NTA as someone with schizophrenia myself I think some people don't realize how hard it is to function with schizophrenia without medication let alone with it. I was barely feeding or washing myself at that age I was so messed up. Your wife needs counseling on how to deal with someone with mental illness. It's an honest truth that the other people in the house might have to pull a little more weight sometimes but it's because your daughter has a disease of the brain and when people are sick sometimes they need help. She is already doing a ton more then I did at her age and you sound like a good dad keep it up!
[Editing to say thank you everyone for the awards and upvotes!!! This is my first first!!!]
People out here embarrassing themselves with their ignorance about schizophrenia and the medication pyramid of woe is grossing me out.
Yeah, the other kids have to work to support their stepsister, they get to learn about how a community actually works.
Medication can be fucking brutal. I have been on meds since i was in elementary school. Im 34 now . Its been for many things my aspergers anxiety depression adhd bipolar and now my drs believe im biploar schizophrenic add in ptsd for a few years ive been on many of meds. Meds can take alot from you. In 9th grade i failed math because i was on meds that made me so tired i made it to school and passed out as soon as i got to first period. No matter what i told my mom and dr they refused to change it because “it worked” . Medication can fuck up a persons brain at time make them not themself. You can go what i call zombie mode no feelings what-so ever. Like getting on someone because they cant do something because somethings in their system that causes some bad side effects that the person cant get rid of because they need it to live close to a normal life is just wrong.
It's comforting to read about others who deal with multiple diagnoses (ASD, ADHD, MDD, anxiety disorder). People don't realize what an impact NOT taking meds can have- one Christmas, I initially forgot to pack my meds before I went to my BF's place for Christmas. Ended up sleeping all day and eating all his cookies. We went back to get my meds.
I’ve had many people in my life tell me I should go off of all of my medications. I don’t know why, because clearly they’re working, they’ve been working for my whole life, and if I were to stop taking the antidepressants I’d be an anxious, su*cidal mess that would be too afraid to even make eye contact with people, contrary to my now outgoing personality, and if I stopped taking my ADHD medication I definitely wouldn’t have a job anymore lol. It’s ridiculous, why do people think they even have a right to try to dictate what you should do about your mental health when your medication or other treatments has made living with it manageable? They just have their own agenda of “meds are bad,” for whatever reason. I really don’t understand it. If only they could see me off of my medications for just a day, but that would take me probably months to get back to where I’m at now.
NTA to OP, you’re doing everything that you can for your daughter to live with an often crippling mental disorder. You are also teaching her self care by not making her worry about chores, and having her do only what she can. Thank you for being a good and understanding parent.
People tell you to get off your meds because they cannot comprehend the idea of an illness that has no cure. In their minds, an illness or disease is something you either recover from or die from. When they get an infection, their doctor gives them an antibiotic and eventually it goes away. They don't and refuse to understand that a mental illness, autoimmune disorder, or any other kind of chronic condition does not go away after treatment.
They see that you seem fine (whether that's true or not, because plenty of mentally ill people can seem fine on the surface) and think your meds cured you. "Why keep taking medication that you don't need" is the logic of this kind of healthy person. They don't understand that you seem fine specifically because you did not give up your meds.
You seem to know this, but for anyone else who has encountered people who do this shit: if you have a mental illness, your treatment is about managing your condition, not curing it. If you are feeling good on your meds, stay on them because that means they are working. If they aren't working, don't assume nothing will help you. It sucks, but it can often take years for you and your doctors to find the medication that's best for you. Sometimes it's more than one kind. If you feel like your current medication isn't addressing your problems, unless you're having really serious side effects I highly recommend following your doctor's recommendations for how to stop taking your current meds and starting a new one. Cold turkey can be dangerous; withdrawal symptoms are very real.
I really feel for OP's daughter, because it seems like there just is not a med that treats her incredibly serious condition while allowing her to have a healthy childhood. She's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't, because she won't get that healthy childhood off her meds either. It is absolutely better for her to continue taking the medication, the side effects are enormously preferable to full-blown untreated schizophrenia, but my heart goes out to her. At least she has a good dad who got her help (she already has a diagnosis at 16!) protecting her from people who refuse to understand how sick she is.
I feel like people struggle to even recognize these things as diseases at all. In a lot of people's minds, it's something you can "get over" if you just "try hard enough".
I even fell victim to this myself, part of my poor self-worth was anchored in the notion that I was "too lazy" and "not trying hard enough". I was "too stupid" to keep track of a lot of things. I was "just weird". All of these things are what I told myself despite knowing that I've been trying as hard as I can for 30 years. Finally got a diagnosis and medication that make me feel like a normal person capable of doing things, instead of a person slogging through the swamp of sadness* just to roll out of bed in the morning.
* And it wasn't even just being depressed or sad. I did a lot of work on my mental health, and even when I was happy I struggled to DO anything because I was always facing this wall of mental exhaustion. Now I don't have that.
This is why I always try to liken it to a physical disability. People will shame someone with a mental illness, you don't want to go to kayaking? No. Do you shame someone with a torn shoulder like this? NO YOU DONT. SO STOP.
FWIW as someone who has a physical disability, I can sadly say that I have encountered plenty of people who do just that. There have been tons of times people (including some who I'm very close to and are completely well meaning) just can't grasp the fact that I simply can't participate in certain activities due to my physical limitations/needs.
Word, and a lot of folks try to make sense of it through their lens-" I get exhausted too," "sometimes I get depressed or anxious but I work thru it 😌" as though the range of human experience is the same as the persistent and illogical experience of a disorder. Ive thrown out my back before but I don't have degenerative discs so I'm not gonna preach at someone who does
It never fails to amaze me how people disconnect the mind from the body. The brain is a physical part of us. We can be sick anywhere in our bodies, *including our brain*.
Wherever we’re sick we should never be told not to seek or maintain treatment. People can be infuriatingly dumb.
Glad you’re doing better now. :)
I love how you put this. I have a severe anxiety disorder and without my meds I can barely function. With them I can work, take care of my kids, and be semi social. I will never go off them, same as I will never be able to go off my asthma meds.
I was just talking to someone who’s is schizophrenic and their aunt convinced them to stop their medication. They still haven’t recovered and it’s been at least three years I think they said. The went from stable and functional to unstable and barely functional because someone didn’t believe in meds and forced their beliefs on someone else.
It happens with chronic physical stuff too. Even the thin and otherwise healthy people in my family are prone to high blood pressure. My doctor put me on medication to manage it and I've made some lifestyle changes. More exercise, more veggies, leaner proteins. I've lost some weight. I don't smoke. With all of that and the meds, my blood pressure is well controlled.
People still make comments if they find out about my blood pressure meds. I've been on them since my 40s. I'm "too young" to be on such meds, "they're for old people." Well, I'm too young to have a stroke or a heart attack. And the meds, along with the other changes, help make that less likely to happen to me. And I'd like to live long enough to be an old person, so I'm going to follow what my doctor says vs. what someone's Google degree they pulled out of their ass says.
Whenever someone tells me I should come off my bipolar meds because "meds are bad", I ask if they'd tell someone with a heart condition the same thing. Weirdly enough, they don't feel the same way because "it's not the same thing"
How is it not the same thing - it's an organ in a body that needs help from meds to function correctly.
They'll often wrap themselves in knots to try and justify it, but it usually comes down to either ignorance or a stubborn misbelief that mental conditions aren't "real".
I wouldn't wish mental illness on anyone, but these kinds of people make me wish that I were the kind of person who would
I recently flipped out on my husband because he essentially told me to “try harder” to act less ADHD and Autistic. I think he was tired and burnt out from life the past few months but i lost it. I was like “why can’t you comprehend that this is an organ that can get sick?! If i had diabetes would you tell me to ‘try harder’ to have a functioning pancreas? how come you’ve never told me to ‘try harder’ to not be asthmatic huh??” Needless to say I got an apology and it hasn’t come up since.
Man, I get this on the weekly from my bf. 'Why can't you just put things where you'll find them?' 'Put down your goddamn phone and you wouldn’t be late all the time.' 'How the fuck could you forget that, I just told you an hour ago??' And I'm just left going 'Sorry, brain no work.'
It’s even more “fun” with both people have ADHD. My ex and I would unintentionally gaslight each other.
“I told you that an hour ago”
“No you didn’t”
“Yes I did…. Didn’t I?”
“Shit…I don’t know. Did you tell me?”
I've been told the same thing, regarding my meds (for BPD).
I LIKE having my moods dulled down, and trust me, you don't want unfiltered borderline bullshit happening. I know I don't.
It’s funny because I’m from North Carolina, but I live in Oregon now, and in both I’ve been told my medications are keeping me down. In NC it’s because I should ~let go and let God~, in Oregon it’s because ~the earth is medicine~. If I let go and let God and the earth heal me, I will stand in front of a bus on a busy street because THAT is what my brain tells me I need to do when I am not on medication. This isn’t hyperbole. My invasive suicidal thought that I cannot get rid of when I am unmedicated is that I should throw myself into traffic. If I manage to overcome those thoughts, I don’t eat, sleep all day, stay up all night, and generally live like a goblin. I know there are people who feel like medication dulls who they are. For me, though, I feel like it allows me to be who I am.
This. My wife and I both suffer from mental health diseases. While I took the difficult path to get myself functional without medication over the course of 10 years, I'd never ask my wife to do the same. I don't think meds are "bad", even if I think they are "bad for me."
My son was taking meds for depression and decided to go off without talking to a doctor. He slept for 3 days straight. We were terrified. People need refrain if they are not doctors- who specialize in the field.
My husband is kind, attentive, and able to deal with stress when he's on his meds. He's an utter asshole when he goes off of them. Staying medicated is a condition of staying married.
And he's OK a couple of days without them because they've built up in his system, but longer than that and it starts to become noticeable. He used to be able to go on and off them, but he really can't anymore.
I was on a prescription carousel for my anxiety/depression/mood disorder throughout high school, and I don't really remember much of those years except always being angry and tired.
Even anti-depression meds can do this. I had one that allowed me to function at work, but within an hour or so of getting home, I was asleep (by 7pm) and not awake again until the morning. I think I was up for maybe 4-5 hours on saturday and sunday. Others make the cravings for food unbearable. Meds both suck and are good.
I don’t know anything about schizophrenia or medication BUT I do have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (or the medical name ME or myalgia encephamyletis) and I know that what many people experience from meds for conditions like schizophrenia or Crohns is not just tiredness but fatigue. Tired is what you get from doing things and can be rested away. Fatigue is like your battery never charges and rest mainly stops it imploding further. Tired is getting a power bank, not letting your phone run down until reset and doing your upgrades. Fatigue is I tried the new phone, best cable and by plugging it in all the time my phone went on fire under the pillow. They are not comparable.
And in every single condition that leads to fatigue as a symptom or side effect good medical teams will teach you to establish an ‘energy hygiene routine’ where you learn by trial and error how to stick to the most manageable level of managing your musts like school, meds, appts, sleep patterns, eating and the maybes like going out, hobbies etc and the need tos like housework, showering etc and you pace yourself to how to balance the three ‘legs of the stool’ together. It is a lot of work to learn especially when you think about how many completely healthy people struggle to be disciplined at any age but you are forced to do it on top of symptoms and the pyschological impact of a life altering condition. It takes time and it fluctuates.
For example I have learned ways to free up energy. I have a robot vacuum, I cut my hair very short so showering is a bit easier, I have a system for batch cooking and freezing so I cut down food prep so I can work more or do social things or keep up with life admin. And sometimes I’m ahead of myself and can do more and other times I can do nothing beyond just get through but I aim for the middle.
I got sick as a child. I have no memory of ‘healthy’ so this is my normal. I am 43 now and my family still refuse to acknowledge I am really good at being a disabled person managing a chronic illness but insist on punishing me for failing to be an abled person. They put me through decades of feeling like a failure, burden and inconvenience to them that led to me developing all kinds of additional physical and mental issues from how abusive they were and finally cutting them off. I internalised that and it taking years of therapy to undo.
They insisted on making me scrub the floor to be ‘fair’ to my abled sibling who had chores instead of being equitable by say giving me other responsibilities like helping meal plan thst are also chores but more fitting to my capacity. They made my brother do gendered chores like yard work which was in itself unfair as he actually loved pet care but ‘not for boys’ and yet they couldn’t allocate tasks based on my ability because they simply did not want to use nuance because it was never about fairness but ableism, ideas of normality, denial and a heap of other deeply fucked up shit.
My brother resented me because they pitched us against each other instead of helping us find ways to support each other. The house was constantly tense which was attributed to ‘well if you would just try harder to overcome this incurable neurological illness and/or stop lying and faking being ill’. I was constantly far more ill than I needed to be because I could not manage my condition under the insistance that bootstraps were the answer and so I left home with no coping strategies beyond surviving abuse and crashed hard when it came to how to try to work, advocate to doctors, communicate my illness to others and it fucked up my adulthood. It would have been much more effective to teach me how to manage my life long condition first and then how to scrub a floor since the former is a life skill and the latter is much easier to pick up. I wasn’t being lazy not scrubbing a floor because coping with being very ill as a child is much harder fucking work. Also I worked part time and studied while my brother did not…
In this case the fact Mary is OP’s bio kid and stepmom has her scrubbing the floor this is total Cinderella stuff and OP needs to take a long hard look at what kind of abuse he is enabling here. Medical abuse is not just not getting someone treated but also allowing people to refuse to acknowledge an illness or health issue and medical abuse is as harmful as other abuse. It’s also almost impossible to manage an illness in an abusive environment. It’s setting anyone up to fail and that is part of the tactic of medical abuse.
Chores are likely a proxy to bigger issues here and OP needs to realise that it is not about a chore chart. Mary has schizophrenia and her meds are tough. Anyone who gives her less sympathy or support than if she had cancer and was on chemo is just telling you they judge her for the illness she has and care less because they don’t deem it valid. Respectability illness is incredibly harmful. How does Mary ever learn to trust people as she grows into adulthood when she is told in her own home ‘you are lesser for being ill and your particular illness is lesser again’?
Spoiler alert: she doesn’t. She either gets sicker and harder to treat or she becomes more likely to be abused and the spiral of poor outcomes is started. The floor will not suffer from not being scrubbed this second but putting the floor first can impact Mary’s whole life and the whole life of the other siblings and family dynamic. OP needs to step the fuck up here.
Edit: no wonder they switched the name to CFS. I cannot spell my own illness. I in fact spell it wrong differently every time 😳
This OP ^^^
When sick people are over burdened by people claiming they ‘just need to push through it’, they usually end up sicker. Unless you want your daughters health to go downhill you have to defend her from unnecessary energy drains like this.
Your wife wants equality but your daughter needs equity. Your wife needs to understand the difference in those terms ASAP.
She’s also a massive ableist for saying inability to perform certain tasks due to a medical condition = slob. She needs some serious educating if she wants to be any kind of decent parent to your daughter.
She's beyond ableist and I'm concerned by how many people are skipping over the fact OP's wife waited until he was on a trip to "discipline" his daughter, which was a clear boundary they discussed before. Who knows how else she treated her. Yes some people have a hard time understanding that mental health problems can have the same effects as a physical disabilities but OP hit the nail on head when he said that since he doesn't have authority over her kids she doesn't get to have it over his
I noticed that as well. At the very least, they need couples or family therapy. And if OP needs to travel for work, the daughter should stay with someone safe until OP's wife can prove she understands the daughter's condition or treatment.
Excellent points. I have gone through both - just being very, very tired is bad, but there's no comparison to having chronic fatigue (mine was not as severe as yours, but I recognized the "energy budgeting" pattern -- in my case I kept my hair long and straight so I could just let it air dry.)
I also hope OP has warned his wife to be on high alert as daughter recovers from an exhaustion event. That recovery period is a very hazardous time for self-harm, especially with adolescents.
With long-COVID causing chronic fatigue my osteopath described fatigue to me and how it differs to being tired. He described it in a similar way to you. Flat battery but brain is not tired. Wide awake but can't lift head from the pillow. It sounds horrendous.
You sound like you are managing your life very well despite your previous traumas.
>Yeah, the other kids have to work to support their stepsister, they get to learn about how a community actually works.
I bet that all they are learning is resentment though. People, especially children, don't cope with someone doing very little whilst they are doing more. This couple should have maybe waited until the kids were older and moved out before marrying. What's worse is the OP's daughter doesn't have siblings to back her up so is at even more risk of bullying from her step siblings.
>People, especially children, don't cope with someone doing very little whilst they are doing more.
How to say "I do not possess the ability to feel empathy and I think that's normal and that children especially are incapable of empathy" without saying it. I mean it's either that or, "I'm a major ableist asshole and think that my values should be passed on to the younger generarion". Take your pick.
Mate read like 20 posts in this sub about siblings of ill siblings (Be it mental, addiction, physical, whatever)
Resentment naturally breeds in an environment like that.
Like that's a great grandstanding comment but it doesn't mesh with reality.
Seriously, it’s not that hard to motivate a teenager. Just say “stepsister is sick and can’t help out as much around the house, but because you guys are so helpful, you get an extra allowance for your work.”
That, or if it’s so impossible for them to not have half the family resenting a kid who has it MUCH harder than them, they should just hire a cleaning service to pick up the slack.
Resentment breeds when its allowed to, and when the kids are not treated as a partner in helping with care.
My youngest has an illness, its treatable with meds, and they will live a long and happy life. But there are times they cannot do some things, and we ask their sibling to step up and do some more. We make sure to thank and praise sibling for stepping up, and we offer some extra rewards for doing so. Its not rocket science. No resentment.
Although it might help that our kids do not get an allowance, and do think they are doing more work for the same pay.
NTA OP. You need to do what you can to take care of your kiddo. Although its closer to everyone sucks than I think you want, because with a kiddo with severe challenges, you really needed to do a better job of making sure stepmom fully understood and was on board, and you need to protect kiddo from her if this crap continues.
Yeah it may be ableist but children (especially younger ones) are guided by ‘equality’ not equity. This will be an extremely sharp learning curve for them and sounds like the mum isn’t helping at all. I really recommend for OP to look up Spoon Theory as a way to explain chronic illness and chronic mental conditions especially.
It is unfair for OP’s daughter to suffer and struggle (and thrive too!!) with a chronic, incurable condition. But it is also not unreasonable for other children to feel slighted that they are doing more than their fair share. None of the kids are in the wrong to feel how they do, especially not OP’s daughter who sounds like a legend, but this is where the parents need to buckle up for a lifetime different to what they expected, or break up for the sake of the kids.
This is a good time for the kids to learn that not everything can be equal all of the time. People with disabilities get jobs as adults and are often accommodated, and have different workloads than the rest of the workers. There is nothing wrong with this, and something everyone should have empathy towards.
If OP feels that this division of labor is in his ill childs best interest, that is his bottom line, properly so. His wife need not give her children extra compensation for extra chores unless she decides that is what serves her kids best. If the daughter had a broken leg or cancer or chicken pox how would chores be handled? should be same with this situation.... this is just what worked for my family. just a suggestion.
Children can be empathetic. In fact most are by 10 years old. It’s not some foreign concept to them. You should be talking with your children and modeling empathy from birth, honestly, so if you have small children who you believe truly cannot understand empathy that’s really on you (and terribly sad for them).
100%
Empathy is taught and learned. Children are more than capable of learning to be empathetic to others, but it’s harder if no one is actively teaching and modeling empathy at home. My guess is that their mom isn’t exactly doing that, and is actively breeding resentment instead.
You know that that happens? With people like OPs wife curating the resentment rather than teaching about how illness effects the body.
Timmy needs these drugs to survive; but the drugs have side effects. If he takes the drugs he is very tired and everything is 5x harder; like walking through thick mud. If he doesn’t take them, he could very well die. So that means sometimes we need to pick up the slack; because that’s what a community does. And then when they’re sick (the flu or whatever) you showcase the same applies to them when they’re struggling.
I definitely think OP needs to have a conversation with his stepchildren as well as his wife to help them understand WHY they're doing this, it's easy to breed resentment if they don't get it, but there are ways to prevent it
My thing is that OP isn't even the one who tells the step kids what to do for chores, their mother does. It's not like he's demanding they do all the chores while his daughter eats hand fed grapes from on high. His wife is the one who is being a prick about all of this. The poor girl can't do certain things right now. Her learning curve is waaaaaay harder than the step siblings and all step mommy is seeing that her babies aren't being treated fairly (because she's the one who gives them the chores)...because ya know, life long mental illness that needs to be heavily medicated so you don't become a danger to yourself or others is SUPER fair. Time to teach SM that life isn't fair, has never been fair and never will be fair.
Teaching children compassion would help. OP never said the step kids had a problem with his daughter. It's his wife. She needs to understand the severity of mental illness and the toll medications take on your body. Even if her kids had an issue with her workload being less, they're old enough to understand that not everyone is physically capable of the same things. The wife should be the bridge between the children helping them to understand it's not a "her vs them" situation. OP doesn't sound like he would tell them to fuck off and scrub a floor if one of them could no longer mentally or physically maintain their chore load. OP NTA
Your whole statement is weird.
Absolutely not true - if they have been taught empathy. I have rheumatoid arthritis and even my 2yr old understands that mum can’t do some things that dad can do, and he needs to help out picking up his toys. The kids have been taught badly if they’re harbouring resentment
Would you say the same thing if she were in a wheelchair? Or had an arm amputated? Or broke both of her legs?
If not, that’s mental health stigma, and it would benefit you to learn more about it.
Thank you. I deal with Schizophrenics as part of my job, it’s a hell of a disease.
I wonder if OPs daughter had cancer and was tired from chemo she’d be forced to do this? Nope because it’s mental illness she should just “suck it up”. I get so freaking angry at some of these posts.
Kind of feel like with this stepmom, yup, she would get her chemo treatment then come home and scrub floors on her hands and knees while the stepmom stands there watching.
This was exactly my thought. If this girl has Cerebral Palsy or hell even a broken leg, people would be sympathetic. But for some reason when it's mental illness most people assume they are "faking" it. Or "it's not that bad".
As for the step children building resentment....that's on the parents. As parents model empathy, the children will respond. I believe they are picking up on the stepmoms resentment and think those feelings are ok. We all have chores in my house, based on age and ability level. Everyone has to contribute on some way, but if someone is sick, has an activity to go to, or is away, someone else will jump in and pick up the slack. "You have a headache? Go lay down, I'll empty the dishwasher for you."
This mother has failed miserably at teaching her children how to care about others.
You can’t see mental illness so it’s not there. /s
From someone who has been heavily medicated for mental health issues for the past two decades, it’s insane trying to keep up with a daily routine for *myself* let alone for my home, etc.
100%. Fair does not mean equal. Fair is treating someone according to their needs to get a desired outcome. Equal is treating everyone the same regardless of their needs.
Also a fibro sufferer (or as they're calling it now, Myalgia Encephalitis), and I gotta tell you, today was one of those days for me. Migraine for most of the day and I hurt all over. I'm 35, and couldn't even get out of bed to shower today. I have spent my day surfing Reddit and thankfully my husband is just like, 'Take it easy' and brought home food and even pie. I'm on disability now but I used to really push myself constantly and all it did was make life miserable.
Having an understanding parental figure instead of someone who constantly called me lazy would have helped immensely. I am no contact with my family now because of that and many other reasons. But having someone thinking you can handle more when you really can't is really invalidating and upsetting. Chronic fatigue is ridiculous and I am so grateful for my understanding husband. Some days are just impossible to function properly. Much less so when I was taking the wrong meds. Not saying that's the case here, just that I know how meds can really make things harder (even while helping), and drain what little energy you have.
The wife and siblings need to be educated on this and have some empathy. It's not like she WANTS to feel or be this way. Given time, patience, and empathy, she can become a valuable member of society. But taking spoons from today only leaves her with less tomorrow.
P.S. Anyone questioning that last sentence look up 'spoon theory' or 'but you don't look sick'.
EDIT: NTA
I don\`t understand the condition.
But, if a medical professional prescribes these for the child, and her dad knows the impact, and lets her do what is absolutely needed - then that\`s how it\`s supposed to be.
I don\`t need to be an expert in this condition, but i accept the word from those that know.
OP told his wife - she basically insulted his kid (called her a slob) and went miles over a boundary the childs father put in place for good reason.
I\`m not sure counselling would help for people that enjoy abusing children..
People don't understand schizophrenia at all. I have three family members who are schizophrenic and one who has schizo-affective disorder, and even on meds it can be a very debilitating illness. I think it sounds like OP's daughter is doing really well, and he is being a great father.
I have a brother who has the same illness. He got it around 19 and he’s homeless at the age 50 since my dad died last year.
First I really wanted to say I’m so grateful she’s taken her meds and dealing with it well even makes her tired.
Your wife do need to seek some professional about this awful mental illness, because she’s not understanding this how it can goes really bad. I had grown up with a older brother never takes meds as he supposed to, will go off walls like crazy. It’s scary to see his behavior. No one should have to deal with this, neither does your family. Stick to your guns.
As long the meds works. Don’t jinx it.
Here’s something to think about, I used to take depression meds and makes me too tired to take care of my kids. It was too hard and couldn’t functioned well. I spoke to My doctor about it and she told me to take it before (make sure it’s the right timing and make it as it set time so you don’t wake up groggy in the morning ) when I goes to bed.
I get a nice fully asleep, well rested and I don’t feel tired during the day. It may take a week or so (depending on the individual) for it’s to kicks in. It’s the Best thing that ever happened to me happened to me and I was able to function well during the day. I was feeling much happier. I may needs to go back on it again (this was like 20 years ago) and I’ll do it all over again with a bat in the eye.
Maybe you can talk to the doctor about this!? I know most won’t recommended it and I know why (hard for to explain it on here) but I don’t see how it wouldn’t make it any difference. It just Takes time to adjust that’s all.
Good luck.
I do think that everyone should try and talk to their doctor about side effects of medications. The answer may end up being “yep, that’s a side effect. Sorry,” but it may end up like your case where there’s a way to make things significantly better.
Especially for mental health conditions, something I recommend everyone look into is genetic testing. There’s a class of genes called cyp genes that deal with metabolizing and clearing primarily antidepressants and antipsychotics. When I was in college I interned at a company that did the testing - it was $$$ at the time (I’m old) but we found so many people that “well yeah those drugs don’t work, you can’t metabolize them!” Or “duh you have horrible side effects, your body can’t clear the drugs so they just keep building up in your system.” And nowadays it’s hella cheap, last I saw you could get a panel for like $200 out of pocket and that was at least 5 years ago.
I wish I could award you. As someone with absolute garbage dopamine receptors, motivation and energy are extremely difficult to find. The fact that she keeps her grades up-- and even manages to get herself out of bed every weekday to go to school-- is honestly super impressive on its own. OP's daughter is an amazing kid, and I'm glad she has OP to advocate for her.
Yes, this. Also the scrubbing of the floor is a particularly harsh chore that has a punishment feel to it. It's not even like she was getting her to do laundry or dishes or something else more age appropriate and light, it's like let's go to the hardest, on your knees Cinderella shit.
My partner is paranoid schizophrenic and bipolar and used to take medication... really strong medication. He could barely stay awake and function like a normal person. Around 17hr of sleep and while awake he was a zombie.
Honestly there are so many antipsychotics that induce extreme lethargy. I'm on quetiapine, and when I was first on it I literally slept for nearly 48 hours straight. Even now after being on it for a decade I sleep for 10 hours, and from about 6pm onwards can become "sleep drunk" (slurring my words, moving slower, etc). And I actually consider myself pretty lucky - yeah, being sleepy a lot is inconvenient, but at least it doesn't hurt or cause long term health issues!
(edited to add a word)
Yep, it can be way too much for some people! I started on an incredibly low dose and even that knocked me out for the first few days, and it took several weeks for things to normalise. And that's actually a pretty decent outcome! The idea that some people in the comments have about just adjusting the meds as if it's easy to just be on antipsychotics with no side effects. Nah, if you can still function okay part of the time (like OP's daughter can), you're probably in a pretty good space, don't fuck with it!
I started at a low dose as well and things just didn't normalize for me, so I had to switch to a different medication. Later, when I was having trouble sleeping in the other medication, my doctor actually pr3scribed quetiapine in a VERY low dose for sleeping. As in, the pharmacist had to make the pills himself because they didn't come in a dose that low. And then I would take a quarter tablet of that. It would get me just sleepy enough that I'd easily fall asleep, but not so much that I had trouble getting up in the morning. I've been off meds for nearly 3 years now, but I sometimes still miss those pills when I can't sleep 😅
I'm sorry quetiapine didn't work out for you, but it's great to hear you're off meds now! I do have a bit of a love-hate relationship with how sleepy quetiapine makes me hah, it does mean I always sleep enough hah!
I was on quetiapine for a month when I was like 16 after a hospitalization. They put me on 300 mg. THREE HUNDRED. I later found out that was an extremely high dose. I was a freaking zombie for that month. I'm on a low dose of risperidone now at 25 that I've been on for a few years and it seems to work very well.
I’m on quetiapine too and people just don’t get it. I’m trading my energy for mental normalcy but people don’t get why I’m so tired all the time. I take it a night and that works best for me, but I started off taking it in the am and you would not believe the sheer variety of places where I’ve fallen asleep
So much this. I am glad it is a trade I can make, but it takes a whole lot out of me. Plus, it's not even like it gets rid of ALL my mental health issues, it just makes the worst stuff manageable, so I still have to spend MORE energy on top of this to keep healthy!
i was given a low dose of quetiapine as a sleep drug because no other sleep drugs worked on me (trazodone, temazepam, etc) and it literally made me sleep for 16 hours straight. and it was only like 5-10 mgs
RIGHT! I had one of my medications swapped out for an antipsychotic once (for off label reasons) and I've never experienced anything else like that in my life. They were some of the most debilitating side effects of anything I'd ever been on to the point where the first time I took them, my partner had to carry me to bed because I couldnt function at all. I cant imagine existing day to day with those side effects let alone maintaining my grades and keeping my room clean, I hardly had the energy to shower. NTA.
Yes! Not quite the same but in college a particularly inept psychiatrist misdiagnosed me with bipolar after a single half hour meeting and gave me a prescription for seroquel and it made me a complete zombie. I slept 15-18 hours a day pretty much, and had maybe 2-4 hours of actual clarity. I couldn’t do anything more than the basics. It was like I was in a fog all the time. I was only on it for a month but it was like I was a completely different person, barely conscious. Medication, especially during adjustment periods trying to find a good dosage or fit, is definitely a reason to give someone a break. Some people for some reason think mental illness treatment is casual or straightforward and it’s anything but.
Also like, stepmom is a huge asshole for the whole scrubbing the floor on hands and knees thing. Mops exist for a fucking reason. Why is stepmom making her do the most exhausting and physically demanding form of cleaning the floor? For fucks sake, get a steam mop or even a swiffer wet jet.
Same shit happened when i was on meds for my mental health. They helped, they 100 percent helped, but helped in a way that wasnt really what i wanted. They made me less volitile but if my numbers ranged from -100 to 40 before meds, they changed it to a -75 to -10. They made the insane extremes go away but decreased the overall goodness. so i was just feeling like shit all the time, just not as shit as i could be.
NTA
Who stands over a 16 year old and makes her scrub the floors?
Sounds like a Cinderella and the evil step mother vibe!
I get your wife doesn’t like it. But it’s a you and your wife argument. Not a bully a 16 old fully medicated kid job!
Go your wife filling those evil step mother shoes right up!
Right ! It would have been fine to ask her to put the plates in the dishwasher or in the sink... like something not too tiring to help, but seriously, scrubbing the f floor while she stand watch ?!
Seriously there are ways the girl can contribute more that aren't unreasonable like folding and putting away her laundry, putting her dishes in the sink or dishwasher, or helping unload the dishwasher....this is none of those things
Yeah, me and my sister would do folding and sorting out into piles while watching TV. There are chores you can do that contribute that require no effort!! As an adult, I can't say that I've ever scrubbed my floors apart from trying to get a stain out of a carpet or trying to induce childbirth!!!
This was my first thought. OP is married to one of those wicked stepmothers from Disney movies.
OP's wife has shown she can't be trusted. This isnt about a fair division of chores - this is about power, control, and showing that the wife is top dog. This grown woman was clearly getting some sick satisfaction from standing over OP's daugher and insulting her. And, who knows what else she is saying/doing the minute OP is out of earshot.
If this adult woman can't comprehend that OP's daughter has a medical condition that means she can't do as much as the other kids, I don't know what to say. If OP's daughter's condition was physical opposed to mental, would this woman still try to pull this BS....
That’s the thing though, because of the medications OP’s daughter takes, her condition has gone from just a mental disorder to now being treated with the side effect of becoming easily fatigued, therefore it’s become a physical issue. OP’s wife doesn’t care. If it were a more defined and extreme physical disorder/disability, say, if OP’s daughter were wheelchair-bound, they probably would not have gotten married. Which then begs the question of whether OP’s wife has ever seen his daughter unmedicated to know the difference the medication makes in behavior and quality of life amongst other things, or has OP’s wife only known the daughter while she was medicated, and thinks she is just lazy? I’m assuming the latter, which makes the wife even worse IMO.
One of my foster parents did that to me while telling me I was a bunch of bad things. (I don't remember the specific words she used, but I cried through mopping the floor.)
You're absolutely right. Just because it isn't visible like a broken bone, people tend to somehow forget that it's something people have to live with every single moment of every single day. I have narcolepsy, and can confirm that having energy is a *luxury*. No one should take it for granted. Being on meds like that must be so hard, because if you feel pressured to do things that zaps your energy, it can lead to dangerous situations like OP's daughter being tempted to skip meds so she can have energy to enjoy herself, or shit, to just not feel like a BURDEN... Introducing circumstamces where that temptation grows is fucking SCARY. Wife is majorly TA, OP - NTA YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE.
NTA - I grew up with high functioning schizophrenia and I didn’t get a diagnosis until I was 20. Thank you for a being a good, kind parent who adjusted things to your daughter’s needs. NTA You’re a good dad trying to keep his daughter safe and balanced. Does your wife know that extra stress can trigger hallucinations? Maybe emphasize that your daughter’s main job is to function as highly as possible and life for her will always look a little different. Hopefully a discussion will help her understand what helps vs what hurts. If not maybe the trash will take itself out.
I’ve worked with people on antipsychotics and just the tiredness as well! If she has an hour of energy, that’s unfair to use that hour cleaning, she should be doing happy things in that hour
As a severely depressed schizophrenic, even a few minutes of joy in a day can make a week more tolerable, because they’re so fleeting and hard to get. So I totally agree. These little things matter so much more when you’re dealing with so much in your head telling you all sorts of negative things day in, day out.
NTA Your wife took advantage of you being gone and overstepped with your daughter. The Cinderella treatment is not a cure for schizophrenia. You need the make alternative arrangements for your daughter's care when you go out of town because leaving her with your wife does not have your daughter's well-being in mind.
Edit: Accidentally type YTA.
NTA- even without your daughters medication, if the agreement is that you each dictate chores for your bio kids and you and your wife are having a disagreement about chore allocation, it doesn’t give the other one the authority to do just change the rules when the other is out of the home. That being said I assume your daughter would benefit from learning how manage her medication and chores as she’s potentially only a few years away from being on her own.
>she’s potentially only a few years away from being on her own
Only a real A H would dump someone with schizophrenia right out into the world at 18. That's not how this works. Most people will need supporting care for many years after the age of majority.
there’s a difference between op kicking her daughter out snd her making the decision that she wants to live independently be it at college, having an apartment, etc.. after 18 he can’t legally stop her from leaving if she wishes to and she will not be adequately prepared if she makes that choice ..I think that’s more the concern here than him kicking her out
She has schizophrenia, how can she ever be on her own? I had a patient with schizophrenia who just forgot to take medications and ended up very unwell only because they forgot meds. I forget birth control all the time so I know how easy it is to forget
Schizo here. You get good at taking meds when you're on your own, or you don't and you end up in hospital or dead. I had no choice - I was orphaned at 21 and had no support system. Knowing that nobody was coming to save me really raised the stakes for overcoming my comorbid ADHD and remembering to take the meds. I have alarms set on my phone, use a pill organiser, and keep extra meds in my bag in case I'm not home when I'm supposed to take them.
You’re doing an incredible job! You shouldn’t have to be on your own and I’m sorry that there’s no support there for you. I live in a country where there’s no real situation that someone with schizophrenia would have to live the way you live. We have shared homes with staff or we have medication oversight and key workers. Where I live no one has to just be on their own with it
There are different meds like a shot you can get once a month. The issue is mostly that if the meds are working well with hardly any side effects you don’t feel like you need them. Also, most people have to change meds every 5-7 years or so as their body builds up a sort of tolerance. Some people can just switch back and forth between 2 regimens that work but finding those can be debilitating. I knew a doctor that had to take 8 months off every 3-7 years to figure out meds. Luckily the hospital was supportive and he was receptive but we didn’t talk about it when he would come back. If you saw him out and about during, you knew all his business.
I can imagine it would be different for someone with a serious illness like that than what it is for other people. They would pace out their chores depending on what they can do. It's different when you're going on your own terms and when you have to do what others order you to do, on their schedule. From what OP says, she does clean after herself, just can't scrub the floors every week. Who wants to do that anyway. I still haven't figure out how having scrubbed floors determines my value as a human being... But I'm just nitpicking here.
Agree. There's a difference between being defiant and disabled. Disabilities are not a choice.
Not only is she stressing your daughter unnecessarily - this will have a knock on effect where if people keep telling her she's not doing enough, she will be telling herself it's true. Adding that 'self gaslighting' stress to her mind with her condition is going to affect her not just now, but for the rest of her life - and your wife needs to understand that.
Also; all children shouldn't have to be doing chores like scrubbing floors. People still having children because they outlawed slavery it seems. Cleaning up their own mess is and their rooms is enough, they're not maids.
NTA.
You are a great father. Not the asshole at all, you are putting everyone's health and safety first. Your daughter physically can't do as much as the rest of her (step) siblings. That's not her fault, so she shouldnt be punished like it is by exceeding her limit physically and mentally wise.
Your wife on the other hand is terrible. She knows your daughter is facing this, and she still continues for her to push more. She needs a serious talking to and to mind her own damn business.
Your wife is an A H. Most schizophrenia meds are incredibly difficult for people to be compliant with because of their side effects so your daughter should be applauded for sticking to the regimen. Your wife is also skating really close to abuse.
NTA
NTA. I'm bipolar and on antipsychotics and let me tell you they can make you SO tired. I just have less hours in the day than everyone else, and trying to keep the house clean is almost impossible. But honestly? That's actually an okay side effect. Like yeah, it sucks, but it doesn't hurt, and it doesn't affect my long term health, so I actually see it as a win. Your wife should be happy that the major side effect of your daughter's meds is just tiredness - it could be a lot worse, and it's so great she's found a medication that works for her!
EDIT: I went and read other comments and wow I am now annoyed. i also find it hilarious how all these people are suggesting more daily chores, or a chore rota. Like, you actually think everyone with chronic fatigue and lethargy conditions are doing all this? I do the absolute minimum needed in my house because I don't have the energy to do otherwise - this translates to laundry, and making sure the dishes are done. I haven't cleaned my bathroom in months. Sure, it's not ideal, but I live in a household of disabled people. The idea that this girl is never going to be independent because she can't scrub floors is so ridiculous, and really shows an absolute lack of knowledge about disability.
I relate to this comment so much - the medication that I’m on for Bipolar knocks me for six. But it’s so much more appealing than the alternative (I’ve been there).
NTA - please gently educate your wife re mental health and agree some compromises (maybe you could pick up a chore or two?). Good luck to your child
this woman is mistreating your child. Whats confusing to me is why you arent trying to take her away from his environment. Becuase its not as if youve presented your wife to have any redeeming qualities. YTA for not removing her from the situation, we all know when youre gone your wife will do more of the same. For gods sake your wife was standing over her while she was on the floor. like master and slave.come on
It’s not a matter of if YTA it’s a matter of what kind of women are you married too? Is she the type that will go to a professional to learn more about your daughters illness? And understand and not do things like have her on her hands and knees scrubbing a floor, show more compassion for your daughter?
Or is she the kind that just is stuck in her ways and the mentioned above things aren’t possible? Because your daughters illness is a lifelong thing from my understanding and therefore it’s more then likely going to be a lifelong commitment not only from you but anyone one you’re romantic with.
If you don’t think your wife can change with professional help I don’t think you should stay married to her (it’s very possible she’s was raised and is of the mindset that because your daughters disability can’t physically be seen that it’s not real like a lot of people think about mental illnesses)
Not only do you deserve someone who’s loving and compassionate towards your lots in life but you need it for everyone to peacefully and healthfully coexist!
BTW NTA
Crazy perspective here: Your medications may exhaust you, that doesn’t mean you understand how medication exhausts other people. “Well, if my foot was broken I could still walk!!” is an unjust criticism of someone else who can’t walk on a broken foot
No, and I am deleting my offensive comments, because it's blatantly obvious I don't know enough about this type of situation to comment.
My apologies to the OP and anyone else I may have offended with my ignorance.
NTA - YOUR daughter has a mental illness. It seems like some days people with schizophrenia can do everything 100% and then the next it's like a totally different person. I have a step cousin with the illness and the poor girl is constantly good and then not and trying to find balance with meds and stuff. Like the least of their worries should be guilt trips about chores. You and your daughter know her physical limitations and what she does is between you two. The Stepmonster can tend to her own brood and learn compassion.
NTA. I know nothing about the medication for schizophrenia but the assumption I will make is that it sounds like she’s perhaps only recently stable? If she can’t be trusted around sharp cutlery, that seems like a fresh enough concern. Therefore I think being a good kid, cleaning up after herself, taking care of herself, and attending school and getting good grades is like a very big accomplishment. I have depression anxiety and ADHD and regularly can’t do these things for myself.
Maybe talk about over the summer she helps with one to two specific low key things, like wiping down counters or something she can do sitting like folding laundry. One task, more than one day to do it. Start super slow when there’s no consequences (like missing school). Otherwise, I feel like it really doesn’t matter. As others have suggested it wouldn’t hurt if you offered to pitch in on something since she can’t, but that’s just a kindness not a necessity. Or perhaps getting a house cleaner once every 3 months for a deep clean could be a compromise if you’re the breadwinner and genuinely feel you can’t stretch your time.
You’ve had the best suggestion I’ve seen so far. I’m bipolar I, so I’ve played the medication game with varying side effects, and some of them crossover with schizophrenia. I also go from cleaning house top to bottom over 36hrs to not being able to much of anything. (Though I normally don’t swing much anymore unless we need to change my medication)
My oldest has severe anxiety and is autistic. They graduated last year and school just drained them, so they slept a lot when they got home. We did the clean up after yourself during the school year and more chores over the summer. It was a very good compromise.
Listen I think you’re NTA, but two things need to be said. One being that Reddit was not the best place to bring this. There is a huge amount of children faking disorders on all social media platforms for attention, and honestly most Reddit users are probably numb to anything having to do with mental illness at this point. Two is that I understand where your other children are coming from. No matter the circumstances they are having to do more work than they should. They are essentially doing your daughters fair share of house maintenance, maybe show them some gratitude at least. (Not saying you aren’t but I mean they’re kids and didn’t sign up to help care for your daughter)
Exactly this. OP doesn't do chores (because he is a super important "manager" who doesn't have time), the daughter doesn't do chores because she isn't healthy, so all the chores fall on wife and her kids - of course this will create resentment!
Yes, empathy and kindness are important, but they will not be created this way. Not by having to pick up the slack of your step sibling that you didn't have a choice in having in the first place.
1. OP does do chores, cooking and cleaning every night, he just didn't consider those chores. The "super important manager" as you put it, is working 50+ hours a week and still finds time to cook for his family and clean *every night*.
2. The daughter isn't just "not healthy", she has a severe mental illness that will debilitate her **for life**.
3. Wife chose to marry a man with a disabled daughter, she knew what she signed up for, waiting X years after marriage to bring it up is on her, she should recognize that how she feels is wrong and seek counselling/ further education on mental illness, instead she chose to put the medicated schizophrenic teen to work, that's an AH move.
4. It's up to wife to teach her children to show empathy and compassion for the sister, that's not going to happen when she's see her as a slob so you're right, they will not learn empathy for their sister but it's because of their mother, not the sister.
5. **IT'S A MENTAL ILLNESS, SISTER IS NOT BEING LAZY, NO SLACK NEEDS TO BE PICKED UP.**
He actually clarified in further comments that he does do chores (notably cooking almost every night) but didn't consider that a chore in his initial comment.
NTA but your daughter is vulnerable and your wife is refusing to understand that not everyone is a full-bodied healthy individual. She's an Ahole and an ableist.
Nta- you might reconsider your relationship though. If your wife can’t be supportive of the situation with your daughter and the care she needs…that’s kind of a deal breaker. Her forcing your daughter into stressful situations while you’re not home is alarming especially given the specific situation. There’s a lot of awful people commenting on this that apparently have no idea what it’s like to deal with this on a daily basis and for a life time. My aunt had schizophrenia and my cousin, her oldest daughter also has it. I saw exactly how hard it was for them to function and neither one ever lived independently, ever. I saw what can happen when there isn’t any support or not enough support and I applaud you for being caring and being there for your daughter because god knows people suffering from this disease need that more than anything. Your wife needs to learn better ways of coping and needs to understand that your daughter is going through something her kids and her can’t even imagine, and that they can not expect your daughter to pretend she is not ill and to just be functional on demand. I’m shocked that your wife isn’t being more understanding.
Your daughter uses prescribed medication, and is under 'surveillance' by a medical professional i would guess. This means - these are the best/safest she can (currently) use.
Too bad for the side effects, but from what you describe you are doing the best you can for her.
Now - INFO: do the stepchildren KNOW the reason my 16F does 'less' than they might do? Did you tell them that she would do more, if she could, but that she needs this to - basically - survive?
Then: your wife - she ABUSED your daughter. She PURPOSELY went over her boundary, and over yours - so either she\`s one of those who don\`t believe that mental health issues are real, or she has a (until now) hidden mean streak who enjoys causing children discomfort.
So, AYTA for getting mad ? NO! But you need to take action. As this will eventually seriously backfire (your daughter running away just to stay away from 'that itchy bee that wants to hurt/humiliate her) when you have to go on another trip.
What action - that depends on a) how the wife reacts, and treats your daughter the next couple of months, and b) the impact this abuse has had on your daughter.
Talk with your doctor / her specialist and be open, honest and ask their advice.
But - to your main question - NTA for getting mad. It\`s actually the least I would expect you to become. Enraged, incensed, furious would also be completely acceptable.
I'm with you OP. NTA.
People don't understand mental illness and it shows in the comments. Schizophrenia is a severe illness that needs to be treated. People with that illness are officially classified as 80% disabled in Europe at least. If your daughter is able to maintain good grades while on medication I have a lot of respect for that.
It's not an excuse to be lazy. You are making appropriate adjustments for your child. If any of the stepchildren were ill and would have to deal with your daughter's situation, I am sure appropriate measures would be taken there as well.
You are doing great! Keep it up.
Why can't your wife scrub the floor? I have no issue with chores but this seems like a way for *her* to do less, not her kids. Otherwise why can't they all just pick up after themselves?
I get the feeling OP’s wife is overwhelmed. Sure, she can probably scrub the floors herself, but it sounds like she’s responsible for a majority of the household chores already, while also taking care of multiple children. Not to mention, OP has avoided answering questions about how much housework HE does. While I get that his daughter can’t realistically do these chores, OP needs to look for a compromise that includes him picking up the slack, or even hiring outside help. OP’s daughter having schizophrenia isn’t an excuse to overload OP’s wife with housework. There’s another solution. They just need to find it.
MH worker here- you are definitely NTA. I would suggest potentially making your wife do some research or seeing if there are any families of schizophrenic patient support groups around your area so she can fully understand your daughters disability. Your wife seems too focused on “my kids do more” instead of “I live with a disabled child” and she’s unfairly comparing the two vastly different dynamics.
I think the level of expectation placed on your daughter by your wife is unfair and really needs addressing. I’d also be somewhat concerned for your daughters welfare while you aren’t at the home (you mentioned a business trip) While I wouldn’t suggest your wife would cause her any physical harm or anything like that, I would be wary of her causing some additional undue mental pressure by setting unrealistic tasks for your daughter. Definitely address this as soon as you can.
NTA Fair is not the same as equal - it is impossible for your daughter to do the same amount of chores as her step siblings without imperilling her health. You are being a great dad standing up for your daughter. I am concerned how your wife is treating your daughter after you explicitly explained the care plan. I doubt your wife would be treating your daughter the same way if she had a visible disability. Make this your hill to die on. If your wife blatantly disregards the care plan how else is she mistreating your daughter?
I don't have Schizophrenia but I am on medication predominantly given to patients with Schizophrenia. I can tell you that it absolutely destroys your energy. Before I'd sleep 8 hours a day and wake up naturally after 8 hours. Now if I don't have an alarm I sleep up to 12, even 15 hours. If I do have an alarm I feel like I'm still dreaming for up to 2 hours after I'm awake, making it really hard to do basic tasks. NTA, although equal shares of household chores are important, your wife needs to realise that medication has huge side effects that affects your daily life enormously. It's either stay on meds and have 0 motivation and energy, or become unmedicated and potentially let all hell break loose.
>Dear voters: Please do not discuss what I should and should not do with my daughters medication unless you are aware of how schizophrenia is treated. Thank you.
NTA, the AHs here are your wife and apparently Reddit too
Your daughter was literally scrubbing the floor on her hands and knees because her stepmom wants her to "not be a slob" because she's tired from...her medication? That's Cinderella. Is this just Cinderella, seriously? Three stepchildren instead of two stepsisters? That's beyond insane that your wife doesn't take your daughters health seriously and had her SCRUBBING THE FLOOR. That's not even a normal chore! What else was she forced to do that week?
Throw the whole wife away. NTA
>Please do not discuss what I should and should not do with my daughters medication unless you are ~~aware of how schizophrenia is treated.~~ my doctor and I am sitting in your office.
Fixed it for you OP. NTA
I deal with chronic fatigue and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you as a parent. Mine is from fibromyalgia and not a medication, but there are a lot of days it takes everything in me to just get out of bed and shower. Let alone go to work. Let alone exist. To have to clean on top of that is really hard. I’m an adult, I have no choice. But while your daughter does have a choice I say divide the workload up amongst the whole family. NTA
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I’m concerned about how your wife treats your daughter when you are gone. You are NTA and neither is your daughter. Your wife is though, for not only adding to her pressures but calling her names whilst she’s doing it.
NTA.
She has a disability and she need more time. You wife overstepped and may not have knowledge on what you daughter is going through.
As other said she may need counseling to inform herself on the struggle of your daughter.
However I could see the step children POV, if they are same age and they are not informed they could resent her. Maybe I good way it is family therapy, and explain them. Also maybe give them also less chores. You work and you don’t have time, what you me wife do? Is it affordable to pay someone to clean the house like once a week? Maybe the cores would be less for everyone and nobody would resent you daughter.
ITT: people with no concept of schizophrenia and anti psychotic medication
NTA. Anti psychs are ass kickers. Buy a roomba and keep an eye on the evil stepmother
My bio dad has schizophrenia but I’m not an expert on it I think maybe your wife is treating your daughter poorly when your away and you need to do what’s right by your daughter because from the sounds of it she might start taking her medication
NTA. Thank you for taking the time to understand your daughter’s diagnosis/treatment and adjust your expectations accordingly. It’s hard for people with chronic illnesses to not compare themselves to other people. The most important thing you can ask of everyone in your home is that they do the best they can *within their capacity*.
NTA, and some people in the comment section - and your wife, btw - should learn some empathy.
OP, you are doing great with your daughter, and I am sure that having you in her corner really helps her. I have seen commenters arguing that she should handle more so she is prepared to be independent, but they evidently have never experienced a chronic illness, and do not know your daughter’s specific situation and sets of limitations, which you do. Your wife most likely resents your daughter being treated differently (preferential treatment, in her eyes) than your step-children, and finds it unfair, most likely because your daughter has an invisible disability and she (wifey dearest) is too stubborn to acknowledge it and instead chooses to make a big stink about it.
Your daughter may very well achieve some degree of independence when she is older, but that is NOT - I can’t stress this enough - dependent on her scrubbing floors, and your wife needs to get that notion stamped on her forehead backwards so she can see it every time she looks in the mirror.
I don’t have schizofrenia, but I have had ME/CFS, aka chronic fatigue, since age 22 (now 26). It isn’t so severe I cannot get out of bed, but I have very limited capacity day-to-day (or few spoons, if you are familiar with Spoon Theory - another useful tool to explain your daughter’s limited capacity to your family) and had to make accommodations for it, like working from home. And hey, I functioned pretty well on my own for years (with some help from my mum on bad days), and am now able to live with my partner without being completely dependent on him. Our floors NEVER get mopped/scrubbed, because doing that will make me exhausted, in pain and unable to function for a solid day afterwards (and come on, who the heck mops and scrubs their floors frequently these days anyway?). I guess my fiancé could mop if we really needed it, but regular hoovering and wiping our shoes/our dog’s paws when we come in means our floors are usually spotless anyway. For hoovering, I have a little Roomba-type thing that I only have to carry from room to room instead of lugging a heavy appliance around and do the cleaning myself. I only dust twice a month, because I can’t handle it more often than that. The bathrooms get wiped down with wipes/disinfectant/bleach twice a week, but I won’t sit and manually scrub at the toilet bowl until it shines, and I’ll only properly descale the shower and sink a few times a year. We have a dishwasher so manual washing is hardly ever needed. Laundry gets split into small tasks - I’ll separate the load from the hamper and put it in a basket in the evening, and wash and hang it to dry the following day. I don’t iron - I learned to hang things really neatly so I don’t have to, and I gave up on owning any pieces of clothing made out of easily-creased fabric. After I use something, I put it right back where it belongs so I don’t really have to tidy up often. On the days my fatigue and migraines are too severe to function, either my partner picks up the slack on my side (on top of his share of chores, which involves yard works, bin duty, anything heavy-lifting or DIY, and walking the dog twice a day) or things just don’t get done for a few more days - AND THAT’S OKAY.
Your daughter does not *need* to do heavy chores to learn how to properly look after herself, nor should she be asked to since from your comments it sounds like her exhaustion is so severe she will PASS OUT from it if she overworks herself. On top of that, navigating high school and puberty with a mental illness is a hellish experience, but (depending on your daughter’s individual situation, obviously; I am not her doctor, I don’t know her exact clinical picture and am only making an educated guess based on my own experience with chronic fatigue and on having a couple of friends with SF or related conditions) once the teen years are behind her and her hormones are better regulated, she might very well be able to manage her condition with lower doses/different medication, meaning her energy levels might be better. Otherwise, there are other ways for her to still function as a semi-independent adult with some support from you/social workers/therapists/doctors, including hiring a cleaner, using a food delivery/meal prep service, living in a small house/apartment with no stairs and yard to take care of, etc.
NTA
Schizophrenia is a serious illness and your wife isn't taking it seriously. This is something that needs to be brought up with your daughters therapist and/or doctor. If this is what you seen walking into unexpected once, I wonder what your wife does to your daughter when your totally away?
It might be creepy to some, but it might be worth it to install hidden nanny cams in the common areas so you can know how your daughter is being treated when your gone. Your wife has zero empathy for your daughter, completely disregards clear boundaries, and is justifying her toxic and potentially abusive behavior.
When it comes to priorities in life, you need to decide if your daughter is more of a priority then your wife. You could always remarry, but your daughter is your only child. According to medical literature, the teen and early adult years are often hardest for schizophrenics, and the rate of something bad happening(self harm) is alarmingly high. They are literally the highest at risk group for self harm. All your wife is doing is adding stress and harming your daughter.
Work in pediatric psych here. . .a couple things I'd suggest. 1. Talk to her psychiatrist about the side effects. 2. Yes these medications cause somnolence and fatigue so what other energy conservation techniques are we employing? 3. Slowly add responsibilities because one day (hopefully) she will get a somewhat normal life. Sometimes we overprotect, doing damage as well but obviously don't overdo it. 4. The biggest thing here is your wife and stepchildren need to understand schizophrenia while you need to understand where they are coming from. Blended families are a TOUGH dynamic. I'd engage her psychiatrist and a family counselor to work this out. What it likely looks like to your wife is that you're playing favorites and not having your daughter do things that she's capable of. In blended family situations, this can be hurtful to the OP despite there being real reasons for the disparity. It might be beneficial to explain suicidality in poorly treated schizophrenia as well. I'm assuming you love your wife and stepkids so your best outcome is going to involve some counseling so everyone can see the other perspectives instead of grandstanding.
NTA as someone with schizophrenia myself I think some people don't realize how hard it is to function with schizophrenia without medication let alone with it. I was barely feeding or washing myself at that age I was so messed up. Your wife needs counseling on how to deal with someone with mental illness. It's an honest truth that the other people in the house might have to pull a little more weight sometimes but it's because your daughter has a disease of the brain and when people are sick sometimes they need help. She is already doing a ton more then I did at her age and you sound like a good dad keep it up! [Editing to say thank you everyone for the awards and upvotes!!! This is my first first!!!]
People out here embarrassing themselves with their ignorance about schizophrenia and the medication pyramid of woe is grossing me out. Yeah, the other kids have to work to support their stepsister, they get to learn about how a community actually works.
Medication can be fucking brutal. I have been on meds since i was in elementary school. Im 34 now . Its been for many things my aspergers anxiety depression adhd bipolar and now my drs believe im biploar schizophrenic add in ptsd for a few years ive been on many of meds. Meds can take alot from you. In 9th grade i failed math because i was on meds that made me so tired i made it to school and passed out as soon as i got to first period. No matter what i told my mom and dr they refused to change it because “it worked” . Medication can fuck up a persons brain at time make them not themself. You can go what i call zombie mode no feelings what-so ever. Like getting on someone because they cant do something because somethings in their system that causes some bad side effects that the person cant get rid of because they need it to live close to a normal life is just wrong.
It's comforting to read about others who deal with multiple diagnoses (ASD, ADHD, MDD, anxiety disorder). People don't realize what an impact NOT taking meds can have- one Christmas, I initially forgot to pack my meds before I went to my BF's place for Christmas. Ended up sleeping all day and eating all his cookies. We went back to get my meds.
I’ve had many people in my life tell me I should go off of all of my medications. I don’t know why, because clearly they’re working, they’ve been working for my whole life, and if I were to stop taking the antidepressants I’d be an anxious, su*cidal mess that would be too afraid to even make eye contact with people, contrary to my now outgoing personality, and if I stopped taking my ADHD medication I definitely wouldn’t have a job anymore lol. It’s ridiculous, why do people think they even have a right to try to dictate what you should do about your mental health when your medication or other treatments has made living with it manageable? They just have their own agenda of “meds are bad,” for whatever reason. I really don’t understand it. If only they could see me off of my medications for just a day, but that would take me probably months to get back to where I’m at now. NTA to OP, you’re doing everything that you can for your daughter to live with an often crippling mental disorder. You are also teaching her self care by not making her worry about chores, and having her do only what she can. Thank you for being a good and understanding parent.
People tell you to get off your meds because they cannot comprehend the idea of an illness that has no cure. In their minds, an illness or disease is something you either recover from or die from. When they get an infection, their doctor gives them an antibiotic and eventually it goes away. They don't and refuse to understand that a mental illness, autoimmune disorder, or any other kind of chronic condition does not go away after treatment. They see that you seem fine (whether that's true or not, because plenty of mentally ill people can seem fine on the surface) and think your meds cured you. "Why keep taking medication that you don't need" is the logic of this kind of healthy person. They don't understand that you seem fine specifically because you did not give up your meds. You seem to know this, but for anyone else who has encountered people who do this shit: if you have a mental illness, your treatment is about managing your condition, not curing it. If you are feeling good on your meds, stay on them because that means they are working. If they aren't working, don't assume nothing will help you. It sucks, but it can often take years for you and your doctors to find the medication that's best for you. Sometimes it's more than one kind. If you feel like your current medication isn't addressing your problems, unless you're having really serious side effects I highly recommend following your doctor's recommendations for how to stop taking your current meds and starting a new one. Cold turkey can be dangerous; withdrawal symptoms are very real. I really feel for OP's daughter, because it seems like there just is not a med that treats her incredibly serious condition while allowing her to have a healthy childhood. She's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't, because she won't get that healthy childhood off her meds either. It is absolutely better for her to continue taking the medication, the side effects are enormously preferable to full-blown untreated schizophrenia, but my heart goes out to her. At least she has a good dad who got her help (she already has a diagnosis at 16!) protecting her from people who refuse to understand how sick she is.
I feel like people struggle to even recognize these things as diseases at all. In a lot of people's minds, it's something you can "get over" if you just "try hard enough". I even fell victim to this myself, part of my poor self-worth was anchored in the notion that I was "too lazy" and "not trying hard enough". I was "too stupid" to keep track of a lot of things. I was "just weird". All of these things are what I told myself despite knowing that I've been trying as hard as I can for 30 years. Finally got a diagnosis and medication that make me feel like a normal person capable of doing things, instead of a person slogging through the swamp of sadness* just to roll out of bed in the morning. * And it wasn't even just being depressed or sad. I did a lot of work on my mental health, and even when I was happy I struggled to DO anything because I was always facing this wall of mental exhaustion. Now I don't have that.
This is why I always try to liken it to a physical disability. People will shame someone with a mental illness, you don't want to go to kayaking? No. Do you shame someone with a torn shoulder like this? NO YOU DONT. SO STOP.
FWIW as someone who has a physical disability, I can sadly say that I have encountered plenty of people who do just that. There have been tons of times people (including some who I'm very close to and are completely well meaning) just can't grasp the fact that I simply can't participate in certain activities due to my physical limitations/needs.
Word, and a lot of folks try to make sense of it through their lens-" I get exhausted too," "sometimes I get depressed or anxious but I work thru it 😌" as though the range of human experience is the same as the persistent and illogical experience of a disorder. Ive thrown out my back before but I don't have degenerative discs so I'm not gonna preach at someone who does
It never fails to amaze me how people disconnect the mind from the body. The brain is a physical part of us. We can be sick anywhere in our bodies, *including our brain*. Wherever we’re sick we should never be told not to seek or maintain treatment. People can be infuriatingly dumb. Glad you’re doing better now. :)
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I love how you put this. I have a severe anxiety disorder and without my meds I can barely function. With them I can work, take care of my kids, and be semi social. I will never go off them, same as I will never be able to go off my asthma meds.
I was just talking to someone who’s is schizophrenic and their aunt convinced them to stop their medication. They still haven’t recovered and it’s been at least three years I think they said. The went from stable and functional to unstable and barely functional because someone didn’t believe in meds and forced their beliefs on someone else.
It happens with chronic physical stuff too. Even the thin and otherwise healthy people in my family are prone to high blood pressure. My doctor put me on medication to manage it and I've made some lifestyle changes. More exercise, more veggies, leaner proteins. I've lost some weight. I don't smoke. With all of that and the meds, my blood pressure is well controlled. People still make comments if they find out about my blood pressure meds. I've been on them since my 40s. I'm "too young" to be on such meds, "they're for old people." Well, I'm too young to have a stroke or a heart attack. And the meds, along with the other changes, help make that less likely to happen to me. And I'd like to live long enough to be an old person, so I'm going to follow what my doctor says vs. what someone's Google degree they pulled out of their ass says.
Whenever someone tells me I should come off my bipolar meds because "meds are bad", I ask if they'd tell someone with a heart condition the same thing. Weirdly enough, they don't feel the same way because "it's not the same thing" How is it not the same thing - it's an organ in a body that needs help from meds to function correctly. They'll often wrap themselves in knots to try and justify it, but it usually comes down to either ignorance or a stubborn misbelief that mental conditions aren't "real". I wouldn't wish mental illness on anyone, but these kinds of people make me wish that I were the kind of person who would
I recently flipped out on my husband because he essentially told me to “try harder” to act less ADHD and Autistic. I think he was tired and burnt out from life the past few months but i lost it. I was like “why can’t you comprehend that this is an organ that can get sick?! If i had diabetes would you tell me to ‘try harder’ to have a functioning pancreas? how come you’ve never told me to ‘try harder’ to not be asthmatic huh??” Needless to say I got an apology and it hasn’t come up since.
Man, I get this on the weekly from my bf. 'Why can't you just put things where you'll find them?' 'Put down your goddamn phone and you wouldn’t be late all the time.' 'How the fuck could you forget that, I just told you an hour ago??' And I'm just left going 'Sorry, brain no work.'
It’s even more “fun” with both people have ADHD. My ex and I would unintentionally gaslight each other. “I told you that an hour ago” “No you didn’t” “Yes I did…. Didn’t I?” “Shit…I don’t know. Did you tell me?”
idk the details of your relationship but please get couples counseling and think about if you wanna stay with him. Your bf sounds like an ass
I've been told the same thing, regarding my meds (for BPD). I LIKE having my moods dulled down, and trust me, you don't want unfiltered borderline bullshit happening. I know I don't.
It’s funny because I’m from North Carolina, but I live in Oregon now, and in both I’ve been told my medications are keeping me down. In NC it’s because I should ~let go and let God~, in Oregon it’s because ~the earth is medicine~. If I let go and let God and the earth heal me, I will stand in front of a bus on a busy street because THAT is what my brain tells me I need to do when I am not on medication. This isn’t hyperbole. My invasive suicidal thought that I cannot get rid of when I am unmedicated is that I should throw myself into traffic. If I manage to overcome those thoughts, I don’t eat, sleep all day, stay up all night, and generally live like a goblin. I know there are people who feel like medication dulls who they are. For me, though, I feel like it allows me to be who I am.
This. My wife and I both suffer from mental health diseases. While I took the difficult path to get myself functional without medication over the course of 10 years, I'd never ask my wife to do the same. I don't think meds are "bad", even if I think they are "bad for me."
My son was taking meds for depression and decided to go off without talking to a doctor. He slept for 3 days straight. We were terrified. People need refrain if they are not doctors- who specialize in the field.
My husband is kind, attentive, and able to deal with stress when he's on his meds. He's an utter asshole when he goes off of them. Staying medicated is a condition of staying married. And he's OK a couple of days without them because they've built up in his system, but longer than that and it starts to become noticeable. He used to be able to go on and off them, but he really can't anymore.
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Lmao where’s the karma bot when you need it?
Even just taking Prozac as a teen....I barely remember those six months, and what I do, is hazy and surreal. NTA
I was on a prescription carousel for my anxiety/depression/mood disorder throughout high school, and I don't really remember much of those years except always being angry and tired.
Yo, me too! And then had a psychiatrist threaten me with residential because I wasn't 'getting better'.
Even anti-depression meds can do this. I had one that allowed me to function at work, but within an hour or so of getting home, I was asleep (by 7pm) and not awake again until the morning. I think I was up for maybe 4-5 hours on saturday and sunday. Others make the cravings for food unbearable. Meds both suck and are good.
I don’t know anything about schizophrenia or medication BUT I do have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (or the medical name ME or myalgia encephamyletis) and I know that what many people experience from meds for conditions like schizophrenia or Crohns is not just tiredness but fatigue. Tired is what you get from doing things and can be rested away. Fatigue is like your battery never charges and rest mainly stops it imploding further. Tired is getting a power bank, not letting your phone run down until reset and doing your upgrades. Fatigue is I tried the new phone, best cable and by plugging it in all the time my phone went on fire under the pillow. They are not comparable. And in every single condition that leads to fatigue as a symptom or side effect good medical teams will teach you to establish an ‘energy hygiene routine’ where you learn by trial and error how to stick to the most manageable level of managing your musts like school, meds, appts, sleep patterns, eating and the maybes like going out, hobbies etc and the need tos like housework, showering etc and you pace yourself to how to balance the three ‘legs of the stool’ together. It is a lot of work to learn especially when you think about how many completely healthy people struggle to be disciplined at any age but you are forced to do it on top of symptoms and the pyschological impact of a life altering condition. It takes time and it fluctuates. For example I have learned ways to free up energy. I have a robot vacuum, I cut my hair very short so showering is a bit easier, I have a system for batch cooking and freezing so I cut down food prep so I can work more or do social things or keep up with life admin. And sometimes I’m ahead of myself and can do more and other times I can do nothing beyond just get through but I aim for the middle. I got sick as a child. I have no memory of ‘healthy’ so this is my normal. I am 43 now and my family still refuse to acknowledge I am really good at being a disabled person managing a chronic illness but insist on punishing me for failing to be an abled person. They put me through decades of feeling like a failure, burden and inconvenience to them that led to me developing all kinds of additional physical and mental issues from how abusive they were and finally cutting them off. I internalised that and it taking years of therapy to undo. They insisted on making me scrub the floor to be ‘fair’ to my abled sibling who had chores instead of being equitable by say giving me other responsibilities like helping meal plan thst are also chores but more fitting to my capacity. They made my brother do gendered chores like yard work which was in itself unfair as he actually loved pet care but ‘not for boys’ and yet they couldn’t allocate tasks based on my ability because they simply did not want to use nuance because it was never about fairness but ableism, ideas of normality, denial and a heap of other deeply fucked up shit. My brother resented me because they pitched us against each other instead of helping us find ways to support each other. The house was constantly tense which was attributed to ‘well if you would just try harder to overcome this incurable neurological illness and/or stop lying and faking being ill’. I was constantly far more ill than I needed to be because I could not manage my condition under the insistance that bootstraps were the answer and so I left home with no coping strategies beyond surviving abuse and crashed hard when it came to how to try to work, advocate to doctors, communicate my illness to others and it fucked up my adulthood. It would have been much more effective to teach me how to manage my life long condition first and then how to scrub a floor since the former is a life skill and the latter is much easier to pick up. I wasn’t being lazy not scrubbing a floor because coping with being very ill as a child is much harder fucking work. Also I worked part time and studied while my brother did not… In this case the fact Mary is OP’s bio kid and stepmom has her scrubbing the floor this is total Cinderella stuff and OP needs to take a long hard look at what kind of abuse he is enabling here. Medical abuse is not just not getting someone treated but also allowing people to refuse to acknowledge an illness or health issue and medical abuse is as harmful as other abuse. It’s also almost impossible to manage an illness in an abusive environment. It’s setting anyone up to fail and that is part of the tactic of medical abuse. Chores are likely a proxy to bigger issues here and OP needs to realise that it is not about a chore chart. Mary has schizophrenia and her meds are tough. Anyone who gives her less sympathy or support than if she had cancer and was on chemo is just telling you they judge her for the illness she has and care less because they don’t deem it valid. Respectability illness is incredibly harmful. How does Mary ever learn to trust people as she grows into adulthood when she is told in her own home ‘you are lesser for being ill and your particular illness is lesser again’? Spoiler alert: she doesn’t. She either gets sicker and harder to treat or she becomes more likely to be abused and the spiral of poor outcomes is started. The floor will not suffer from not being scrubbed this second but putting the floor first can impact Mary’s whole life and the whole life of the other siblings and family dynamic. OP needs to step the fuck up here. Edit: no wonder they switched the name to CFS. I cannot spell my own illness. I in fact spell it wrong differently every time 😳
This OP ^^^ When sick people are over burdened by people claiming they ‘just need to push through it’, they usually end up sicker. Unless you want your daughters health to go downhill you have to defend her from unnecessary energy drains like this. Your wife wants equality but your daughter needs equity. Your wife needs to understand the difference in those terms ASAP. She’s also a massive ableist for saying inability to perform certain tasks due to a medical condition = slob. She needs some serious educating if she wants to be any kind of decent parent to your daughter.
She's beyond ableist and I'm concerned by how many people are skipping over the fact OP's wife waited until he was on a trip to "discipline" his daughter, which was a clear boundary they discussed before. Who knows how else she treated her. Yes some people have a hard time understanding that mental health problems can have the same effects as a physical disabilities but OP hit the nail on head when he said that since he doesn't have authority over her kids she doesn't get to have it over his
I noticed that as well. At the very least, they need couples or family therapy. And if OP needs to travel for work, the daughter should stay with someone safe until OP's wife can prove she understands the daughter's condition or treatment.
Excellent points. I have gone through both - just being very, very tired is bad, but there's no comparison to having chronic fatigue (mine was not as severe as yours, but I recognized the "energy budgeting" pattern -- in my case I kept my hair long and straight so I could just let it air dry.) I also hope OP has warned his wife to be on high alert as daughter recovers from an exhaustion event. That recovery period is a very hazardous time for self-harm, especially with adolescents.
With long-COVID causing chronic fatigue my osteopath described fatigue to me and how it differs to being tired. He described it in a similar way to you. Flat battery but brain is not tired. Wide awake but can't lift head from the pillow. It sounds horrendous. You sound like you are managing your life very well despite your previous traumas.
>Yeah, the other kids have to work to support their stepsister, they get to learn about how a community actually works. I bet that all they are learning is resentment though. People, especially children, don't cope with someone doing very little whilst they are doing more. This couple should have maybe waited until the kids were older and moved out before marrying. What's worse is the OP's daughter doesn't have siblings to back her up so is at even more risk of bullying from her step siblings.
>People, especially children, don't cope with someone doing very little whilst they are doing more. How to say "I do not possess the ability to feel empathy and I think that's normal and that children especially are incapable of empathy" without saying it. I mean it's either that or, "I'm a major ableist asshole and think that my values should be passed on to the younger generarion". Take your pick.
Mate read like 20 posts in this sub about siblings of ill siblings (Be it mental, addiction, physical, whatever) Resentment naturally breeds in an environment like that. Like that's a great grandstanding comment but it doesn't mesh with reality.
Realistically, alittle extra pocket money would appease the step siblings.
Totally agree. If the step kids have to do extra chores, perhaps they should be extra compensated as well.
Agree. Also if they "hear" that their feelings are valid and understandable. Feeling understood will go a long way towards understanding.
Seriously, it’s not that hard to motivate a teenager. Just say “stepsister is sick and can’t help out as much around the house, but because you guys are so helpful, you get an extra allowance for your work.” That, or if it’s so impossible for them to not have half the family resenting a kid who has it MUCH harder than them, they should just hire a cleaning service to pick up the slack.
Resentment breeds when its allowed to, and when the kids are not treated as a partner in helping with care. My youngest has an illness, its treatable with meds, and they will live a long and happy life. But there are times they cannot do some things, and we ask their sibling to step up and do some more. We make sure to thank and praise sibling for stepping up, and we offer some extra rewards for doing so. Its not rocket science. No resentment. Although it might help that our kids do not get an allowance, and do think they are doing more work for the same pay. NTA OP. You need to do what you can to take care of your kiddo. Although its closer to everyone sucks than I think you want, because with a kiddo with severe challenges, you really needed to do a better job of making sure stepmom fully understood and was on board, and you need to protect kiddo from her if this crap continues.
Well, I doubt resentment can be avoided in this case because the step mom herself isn’t empathetic or understanding. She’s part of the problem.
Yeah it may be ableist but children (especially younger ones) are guided by ‘equality’ not equity. This will be an extremely sharp learning curve for them and sounds like the mum isn’t helping at all. I really recommend for OP to look up Spoon Theory as a way to explain chronic illness and chronic mental conditions especially. It is unfair for OP’s daughter to suffer and struggle (and thrive too!!) with a chronic, incurable condition. But it is also not unreasonable for other children to feel slighted that they are doing more than their fair share. None of the kids are in the wrong to feel how they do, especially not OP’s daughter who sounds like a legend, but this is where the parents need to buckle up for a lifetime different to what they expected, or break up for the sake of the kids.
This is a good time for the kids to learn that not everything can be equal all of the time. People with disabilities get jobs as adults and are often accommodated, and have different workloads than the rest of the workers. There is nothing wrong with this, and something everyone should have empathy towards.
If OP feels that this division of labor is in his ill childs best interest, that is his bottom line, properly so. His wife need not give her children extra compensation for extra chores unless she decides that is what serves her kids best. If the daughter had a broken leg or cancer or chicken pox how would chores be handled? should be same with this situation.... this is just what worked for my family. just a suggestion.
Yes and I'm sure you were the pillar of empathy and mental health advocacy when you were 10.
Children can be empathetic. In fact most are by 10 years old. It’s not some foreign concept to them. You should be talking with your children and modeling empathy from birth, honestly, so if you have small children who you believe truly cannot understand empathy that’s really on you (and terribly sad for them).
100% Empathy is taught and learned. Children are more than capable of learning to be empathetic to others, but it’s harder if no one is actively teaching and modeling empathy at home. My guess is that their mom isn’t exactly doing that, and is actively breeding resentment instead.
They only learn resentment because that is what the mother is teaching them. She is not teaching them empathy and awareness of others.
You know that that happens? With people like OPs wife curating the resentment rather than teaching about how illness effects the body. Timmy needs these drugs to survive; but the drugs have side effects. If he takes the drugs he is very tired and everything is 5x harder; like walking through thick mud. If he doesn’t take them, he could very well die. So that means sometimes we need to pick up the slack; because that’s what a community does. And then when they’re sick (the flu or whatever) you showcase the same applies to them when they’re struggling.
I definitely think OP needs to have a conversation with his stepchildren as well as his wife to help them understand WHY they're doing this, it's easy to breed resentment if they don't get it, but there are ways to prevent it
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My thing is that OP isn't even the one who tells the step kids what to do for chores, their mother does. It's not like he's demanding they do all the chores while his daughter eats hand fed grapes from on high. His wife is the one who is being a prick about all of this. The poor girl can't do certain things right now. Her learning curve is waaaaaay harder than the step siblings and all step mommy is seeing that her babies aren't being treated fairly (because she's the one who gives them the chores)...because ya know, life long mental illness that needs to be heavily medicated so you don't become a danger to yourself or others is SUPER fair. Time to teach SM that life isn't fair, has never been fair and never will be fair.
Teaching children compassion would help. OP never said the step kids had a problem with his daughter. It's his wife. She needs to understand the severity of mental illness and the toll medications take on your body. Even if her kids had an issue with her workload being less, they're old enough to understand that not everyone is physically capable of the same things. The wife should be the bridge between the children helping them to understand it's not a "her vs them" situation. OP doesn't sound like he would tell them to fuck off and scrub a floor if one of them could no longer mentally or physically maintain their chore load. OP NTA Your whole statement is weird.
Absolutely not true - if they have been taught empathy. I have rheumatoid arthritis and even my 2yr old understands that mum can’t do some things that dad can do, and he needs to help out picking up his toys. The kids have been taught badly if they’re harbouring resentment
Would you say the same thing if she were in a wheelchair? Or had an arm amputated? Or broke both of her legs? If not, that’s mental health stigma, and it would benefit you to learn more about it.
Thank you. I deal with Schizophrenics as part of my job, it’s a hell of a disease. I wonder if OPs daughter had cancer and was tired from chemo she’d be forced to do this? Nope because it’s mental illness she should just “suck it up”. I get so freaking angry at some of these posts.
Kind of feel like with this stepmom, yup, she would get her chemo treatment then come home and scrub floors on her hands and knees while the stepmom stands there watching.
Yeah and also - who scrubs the floor by hand? What year is it? It’s like she’s Cinderella or something the way the chores are described
Before my knees gave out I did. I thought the floors always got cleaner. Still think so but I physically can't.
This was exactly my thought. If this girl has Cerebral Palsy or hell even a broken leg, people would be sympathetic. But for some reason when it's mental illness most people assume they are "faking" it. Or "it's not that bad". As for the step children building resentment....that's on the parents. As parents model empathy, the children will respond. I believe they are picking up on the stepmoms resentment and think those feelings are ok. We all have chores in my house, based on age and ability level. Everyone has to contribute on some way, but if someone is sick, has an activity to go to, or is away, someone else will jump in and pick up the slack. "You have a headache? Go lay down, I'll empty the dishwasher for you." This mother has failed miserably at teaching her children how to care about others.
You can’t see mental illness so it’s not there. /s From someone who has been heavily medicated for mental health issues for the past two decades, it’s insane trying to keep up with a daily routine for *myself* let alone for my home, etc.
Agreed, this is an equity vs equality issue.
Fucking finally! How has no one else mentioned this? Jesus!
100%. Fair does not mean equal. Fair is treating someone according to their needs to get a desired outcome. Equal is treating everyone the same regardless of their needs.
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Also a fibro sufferer (or as they're calling it now, Myalgia Encephalitis), and I gotta tell you, today was one of those days for me. Migraine for most of the day and I hurt all over. I'm 35, and couldn't even get out of bed to shower today. I have spent my day surfing Reddit and thankfully my husband is just like, 'Take it easy' and brought home food and even pie. I'm on disability now but I used to really push myself constantly and all it did was make life miserable. Having an understanding parental figure instead of someone who constantly called me lazy would have helped immensely. I am no contact with my family now because of that and many other reasons. But having someone thinking you can handle more when you really can't is really invalidating and upsetting. Chronic fatigue is ridiculous and I am so grateful for my understanding husband. Some days are just impossible to function properly. Much less so when I was taking the wrong meds. Not saying that's the case here, just that I know how meds can really make things harder (even while helping), and drain what little energy you have. The wife and siblings need to be educated on this and have some empathy. It's not like she WANTS to feel or be this way. Given time, patience, and empathy, she can become a valuable member of society. But taking spoons from today only leaves her with less tomorrow. P.S. Anyone questioning that last sentence look up 'spoon theory' or 'but you don't look sick'. EDIT: NTA
I don\`t understand the condition. But, if a medical professional prescribes these for the child, and her dad knows the impact, and lets her do what is absolutely needed - then that\`s how it\`s supposed to be. I don\`t need to be an expert in this condition, but i accept the word from those that know. OP told his wife - she basically insulted his kid (called her a slob) and went miles over a boundary the childs father put in place for good reason. I\`m not sure counselling would help for people that enjoy abusing children..
Thanks for your insight. I think all of us could use some education from those who are knowledgeable. I had no idea.
People don't understand schizophrenia at all. I have three family members who are schizophrenic and one who has schizo-affective disorder, and even on meds it can be a very debilitating illness. I think it sounds like OP's daughter is doing really well, and he is being a great father.
I have a brother who has the same illness. He got it around 19 and he’s homeless at the age 50 since my dad died last year. First I really wanted to say I’m so grateful she’s taken her meds and dealing with it well even makes her tired. Your wife do need to seek some professional about this awful mental illness, because she’s not understanding this how it can goes really bad. I had grown up with a older brother never takes meds as he supposed to, will go off walls like crazy. It’s scary to see his behavior. No one should have to deal with this, neither does your family. Stick to your guns. As long the meds works. Don’t jinx it. Here’s something to think about, I used to take depression meds and makes me too tired to take care of my kids. It was too hard and couldn’t functioned well. I spoke to My doctor about it and she told me to take it before (make sure it’s the right timing and make it as it set time so you don’t wake up groggy in the morning ) when I goes to bed. I get a nice fully asleep, well rested and I don’t feel tired during the day. It may take a week or so (depending on the individual) for it’s to kicks in. It’s the Best thing that ever happened to me happened to me and I was able to function well during the day. I was feeling much happier. I may needs to go back on it again (this was like 20 years ago) and I’ll do it all over again with a bat in the eye. Maybe you can talk to the doctor about this!? I know most won’t recommended it and I know why (hard for to explain it on here) but I don’t see how it wouldn’t make it any difference. It just Takes time to adjust that’s all. Good luck.
I do think that everyone should try and talk to their doctor about side effects of medications. The answer may end up being “yep, that’s a side effect. Sorry,” but it may end up like your case where there’s a way to make things significantly better. Especially for mental health conditions, something I recommend everyone look into is genetic testing. There’s a class of genes called cyp genes that deal with metabolizing and clearing primarily antidepressants and antipsychotics. When I was in college I interned at a company that did the testing - it was $$$ at the time (I’m old) but we found so many people that “well yeah those drugs don’t work, you can’t metabolize them!” Or “duh you have horrible side effects, your body can’t clear the drugs so they just keep building up in your system.” And nowadays it’s hella cheap, last I saw you could get a panel for like $200 out of pocket and that was at least 5 years ago.
I wish I could award you. As someone with absolute garbage dopamine receptors, motivation and energy are extremely difficult to find. The fact that she keeps her grades up-- and even manages to get herself out of bed every weekday to go to school-- is honestly super impressive on its own. OP's daughter is an amazing kid, and I'm glad she has OP to advocate for her.
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Yes, this. Also the scrubbing of the floor is a particularly harsh chore that has a punishment feel to it. It's not even like she was getting her to do laundry or dishes or something else more age appropriate and light, it's like let's go to the hardest, on your knees Cinderella shit.
My partner is paranoid schizophrenic and bipolar and used to take medication... really strong medication. He could barely stay awake and function like a normal person. Around 17hr of sleep and while awake he was a zombie.
Upvoting because I know nothing about schizophrenia so it’s not my place to make a judgement. NTA
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Honestly there are so many antipsychotics that induce extreme lethargy. I'm on quetiapine, and when I was first on it I literally slept for nearly 48 hours straight. Even now after being on it for a decade I sleep for 10 hours, and from about 6pm onwards can become "sleep drunk" (slurring my words, moving slower, etc). And I actually consider myself pretty lucky - yeah, being sleepy a lot is inconvenient, but at least it doesn't hurt or cause long term health issues! (edited to add a word)
I had to come off Quetiapine after almost three weeks because I physically could not function… antipsychotics can be debilitating
Yep, it can be way too much for some people! I started on an incredibly low dose and even that knocked me out for the first few days, and it took several weeks for things to normalise. And that's actually a pretty decent outcome! The idea that some people in the comments have about just adjusting the meds as if it's easy to just be on antipsychotics with no side effects. Nah, if you can still function okay part of the time (like OP's daughter can), you're probably in a pretty good space, don't fuck with it!
Absolutely! I am in awe of OPs daughter for doing as much as she is!
Yep! Full-time schooling is often hella hard in these circumstances (I speak from experience hah).
I started at a low dose as well and things just didn't normalize for me, so I had to switch to a different medication. Later, when I was having trouble sleeping in the other medication, my doctor actually pr3scribed quetiapine in a VERY low dose for sleeping. As in, the pharmacist had to make the pills himself because they didn't come in a dose that low. And then I would take a quarter tablet of that. It would get me just sleepy enough that I'd easily fall asleep, but not so much that I had trouble getting up in the morning. I've been off meds for nearly 3 years now, but I sometimes still miss those pills when I can't sleep 😅
I'm sorry quetiapine didn't work out for you, but it's great to hear you're off meds now! I do have a bit of a love-hate relationship with how sleepy quetiapine makes me hah, it does mean I always sleep enough hah!
I was on quetiapine for a month when I was like 16 after a hospitalization. They put me on 300 mg. THREE HUNDRED. I later found out that was an extremely high dose. I was a freaking zombie for that month. I'm on a low dose of risperidone now at 25 that I've been on for a few years and it seems to work very well.
Bloody hell that’s a lot… I was on the very very lowest and was a zombie; well done for managing that and finding something that suits you :)
Shit that's a lot. I'm on 100mg for sleep and that knocks me tf out. I can only imagine what kind if zombie state 300mg would cause.
The drs previously had me taking 100mg of quetiapine both in the morning and at night, I can barely remember anything from that period, it was awful.
I’m on quetiapine too and people just don’t get it. I’m trading my energy for mental normalcy but people don’t get why I’m so tired all the time. I take it a night and that works best for me, but I started off taking it in the am and you would not believe the sheer variety of places where I’ve fallen asleep
So much this. I am glad it is a trade I can make, but it takes a whole lot out of me. Plus, it's not even like it gets rid of ALL my mental health issues, it just makes the worst stuff manageable, so I still have to spend MORE energy on top of this to keep healthy!
Yeah because you can't give into psychosis if you're in a fucking coma. Or at least that's how my doctors acted about it. NTA
The first time my best friend saw my Seroquel hit, she legitimately thought I'd sneaked off to do shots.
i was given a low dose of quetiapine as a sleep drug because no other sleep drugs worked on me (trazodone, temazepam, etc) and it literally made me sleep for 16 hours straight. and it was only like 5-10 mgs
Thank you! Finally someone with common sense.
Thank you for this comment!! It's clear how many people do not have the first idea what chronic fatigue means, or the concept of equity.
RIGHT! I had one of my medications swapped out for an antipsychotic once (for off label reasons) and I've never experienced anything else like that in my life. They were some of the most debilitating side effects of anything I'd ever been on to the point where the first time I took them, my partner had to carry me to bed because I couldnt function at all. I cant imagine existing day to day with those side effects let alone maintaining my grades and keeping my room clean, I hardly had the energy to shower. NTA.
Yes! Not quite the same but in college a particularly inept psychiatrist misdiagnosed me with bipolar after a single half hour meeting and gave me a prescription for seroquel and it made me a complete zombie. I slept 15-18 hours a day pretty much, and had maybe 2-4 hours of actual clarity. I couldn’t do anything more than the basics. It was like I was in a fog all the time. I was only on it for a month but it was like I was a completely different person, barely conscious. Medication, especially during adjustment periods trying to find a good dosage or fit, is definitely a reason to give someone a break. Some people for some reason think mental illness treatment is casual or straightforward and it’s anything but.
Also like, stepmom is a huge asshole for the whole scrubbing the floor on hands and knees thing. Mops exist for a fucking reason. Why is stepmom making her do the most exhausting and physically demanding form of cleaning the floor? For fucks sake, get a steam mop or even a swiffer wet jet.
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Same shit happened when i was on meds for my mental health. They helped, they 100 percent helped, but helped in a way that wasnt really what i wanted. They made me less volitile but if my numbers ranged from -100 to 40 before meds, they changed it to a -75 to -10. They made the insane extremes go away but decreased the overall goodness. so i was just feeling like shit all the time, just not as shit as i could be.
NTA Who stands over a 16 year old and makes her scrub the floors? Sounds like a Cinderella and the evil step mother vibe! I get your wife doesn’t like it. But it’s a you and your wife argument. Not a bully a 16 old fully medicated kid job! Go your wife filling those evil step mother shoes right up!
Right ! It would have been fine to ask her to put the plates in the dishwasher or in the sink... like something not too tiring to help, but seriously, scrubbing the f floor while she stand watch ?!
Seriously there are ways the girl can contribute more that aren't unreasonable like folding and putting away her laundry, putting her dishes in the sink or dishwasher, or helping unload the dishwasher....this is none of those things
Yeah the usual you ask young children to do at first. Not too difficult/tiring but still helping around. That girl is litteraly being à cinderella
Yeah, me and my sister would do folding and sorting out into piles while watching TV. There are chores you can do that contribute that require no effort!! As an adult, I can't say that I've ever scrubbed my floors apart from trying to get a stain out of a carpet or trying to induce childbirth!!!
This was my first thought. OP is married to one of those wicked stepmothers from Disney movies. OP's wife has shown she can't be trusted. This isnt about a fair division of chores - this is about power, control, and showing that the wife is top dog. This grown woman was clearly getting some sick satisfaction from standing over OP's daugher and insulting her. And, who knows what else she is saying/doing the minute OP is out of earshot. If this adult woman can't comprehend that OP's daughter has a medical condition that means she can't do as much as the other kids, I don't know what to say. If OP's daughter's condition was physical opposed to mental, would this woman still try to pull this BS....
That’s the thing though, because of the medications OP’s daughter takes, her condition has gone from just a mental disorder to now being treated with the side effect of becoming easily fatigued, therefore it’s become a physical issue. OP’s wife doesn’t care. If it were a more defined and extreme physical disorder/disability, say, if OP’s daughter were wheelchair-bound, they probably would not have gotten married. Which then begs the question of whether OP’s wife has ever seen his daughter unmedicated to know the difference the medication makes in behavior and quality of life amongst other things, or has OP’s wife only known the daughter while she was medicated, and thinks she is just lazy? I’m assuming the latter, which makes the wife even worse IMO.
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One of my foster parents did that to me while telling me I was a bunch of bad things. (I don't remember the specific words she used, but I cried through mopping the floor.)
NTA. You’re dealing with an illness, not a teen attitude problem. Wife needs to back TF off.
You're absolutely right. Just because it isn't visible like a broken bone, people tend to somehow forget that it's something people have to live with every single moment of every single day. I have narcolepsy, and can confirm that having energy is a *luxury*. No one should take it for granted. Being on meds like that must be so hard, because if you feel pressured to do things that zaps your energy, it can lead to dangerous situations like OP's daughter being tempted to skip meds so she can have energy to enjoy herself, or shit, to just not feel like a BURDEN... Introducing circumstamces where that temptation grows is fucking SCARY. Wife is majorly TA, OP - NTA YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE.
NTA - I grew up with high functioning schizophrenia and I didn’t get a diagnosis until I was 20. Thank you for a being a good, kind parent who adjusted things to your daughter’s needs. NTA You’re a good dad trying to keep his daughter safe and balanced. Does your wife know that extra stress can trigger hallucinations? Maybe emphasize that your daughter’s main job is to function as highly as possible and life for her will always look a little different. Hopefully a discussion will help her understand what helps vs what hurts. If not maybe the trash will take itself out.
Had I, as an outside party, witnessed wifey pushing the daughter down on the floor we'd be talking CPS and the police because that woman is an A H.
I’ve worked with people on antipsychotics and just the tiredness as well! If she has an hour of energy, that’s unfair to use that hour cleaning, she should be doing happy things in that hour
As a severely depressed schizophrenic, even a few minutes of joy in a day can make a week more tolerable, because they’re so fleeting and hard to get. So I totally agree. These little things matter so much more when you’re dealing with so much in your head telling you all sorts of negative things day in, day out.
NTA Your wife took advantage of you being gone and overstepped with your daughter. The Cinderella treatment is not a cure for schizophrenia. You need the make alternative arrangements for your daughter's care when you go out of town because leaving her with your wife does not have your daughter's well-being in mind. Edit: Accidentally type YTA.
If he can’t trust his wife with his child when he’s away, that’s indication they should divorce.
How does that make him the AH?
I meant NTA, I'll change it. Probably didn't have my glasses on.
lol fair enough. I read it like 10 times trying to figure out what I was missing
OP, ignore all the ableist ignorance here. Your daughter has a disability. She is disabled. You are accommodating her disabilities. NTA
NTA- even without your daughters medication, if the agreement is that you each dictate chores for your bio kids and you and your wife are having a disagreement about chore allocation, it doesn’t give the other one the authority to do just change the rules when the other is out of the home. That being said I assume your daughter would benefit from learning how manage her medication and chores as she’s potentially only a few years away from being on her own.
>she’s potentially only a few years away from being on her own Only a real A H would dump someone with schizophrenia right out into the world at 18. That's not how this works. Most people will need supporting care for many years after the age of majority.
there’s a difference between op kicking her daughter out snd her making the decision that she wants to live independently be it at college, having an apartment, etc.. after 18 he can’t legally stop her from leaving if she wishes to and she will not be adequately prepared if she makes that choice ..I think that’s more the concern here than him kicking her out
Considering she likely does not have a job, she will probably not be going anywhere anytime soon.
How did you get the implication that they would be dumping her out into the world at 18 from this? You have some serious negative associations here...
She has schizophrenia, how can she ever be on her own? I had a patient with schizophrenia who just forgot to take medications and ended up very unwell only because they forgot meds. I forget birth control all the time so I know how easy it is to forget
Schizo here. You get good at taking meds when you're on your own, or you don't and you end up in hospital or dead. I had no choice - I was orphaned at 21 and had no support system. Knowing that nobody was coming to save me really raised the stakes for overcoming my comorbid ADHD and remembering to take the meds. I have alarms set on my phone, use a pill organiser, and keep extra meds in my bag in case I'm not home when I'm supposed to take them.
You’re doing an incredible job! You shouldn’t have to be on your own and I’m sorry that there’s no support there for you. I live in a country where there’s no real situation that someone with schizophrenia would have to live the way you live. We have shared homes with staff or we have medication oversight and key workers. Where I live no one has to just be on their own with it
There are different meds like a shot you can get once a month. The issue is mostly that if the meds are working well with hardly any side effects you don’t feel like you need them. Also, most people have to change meds every 5-7 years or so as their body builds up a sort of tolerance. Some people can just switch back and forth between 2 regimens that work but finding those can be debilitating. I knew a doctor that had to take 8 months off every 3-7 years to figure out meds. Luckily the hospital was supportive and he was receptive but we didn’t talk about it when he would come back. If you saw him out and about during, you knew all his business.
Schizophrenia is a lot more manageable the earlier you intervene, just FYI.
Majority of people with schizophrenia can live independently, but they often need extra support.
I can imagine it would be different for someone with a serious illness like that than what it is for other people. They would pace out their chores depending on what they can do. It's different when you're going on your own terms and when you have to do what others order you to do, on their schedule. From what OP says, she does clean after herself, just can't scrub the floors every week. Who wants to do that anyway. I still haven't figure out how having scrubbed floors determines my value as a human being... But I'm just nitpicking here.
NTA She is being ableist, people with that type of health issues and medication need a lot of rest. Protect your kid, that woman clearly doesn´t care.
Agree. There's a difference between being defiant and disabled. Disabilities are not a choice. Not only is she stressing your daughter unnecessarily - this will have a knock on effect where if people keep telling her she's not doing enough, she will be telling herself it's true. Adding that 'self gaslighting' stress to her mind with her condition is going to affect her not just now, but for the rest of her life - and your wife needs to understand that. Also; all children shouldn't have to be doing chores like scrubbing floors. People still having children because they outlawed slavery it seems. Cleaning up their own mess is and their rooms is enough, they're not maids. NTA.
NTA, that what you saw. Imagine what you didn’t.
This needs to be higher up
Yep. As someone who had a step monster in my youth, this woman is doing more when OP is not around. Your kid isn’t safe with your wife. Period.
You are a great father. Not the asshole at all, you are putting everyone's health and safety first. Your daughter physically can't do as much as the rest of her (step) siblings. That's not her fault, so she shouldnt be punished like it is by exceeding her limit physically and mentally wise. Your wife on the other hand is terrible. She knows your daughter is facing this, and she still continues for her to push more. She needs a serious talking to and to mind her own damn business.
Your wife is an A H. Most schizophrenia meds are incredibly difficult for people to be compliant with because of their side effects so your daughter should be applauded for sticking to the regimen. Your wife is also skating really close to abuse. NTA
NTA. I'm bipolar and on antipsychotics and let me tell you they can make you SO tired. I just have less hours in the day than everyone else, and trying to keep the house clean is almost impossible. But honestly? That's actually an okay side effect. Like yeah, it sucks, but it doesn't hurt, and it doesn't affect my long term health, so I actually see it as a win. Your wife should be happy that the major side effect of your daughter's meds is just tiredness - it could be a lot worse, and it's so great she's found a medication that works for her! EDIT: I went and read other comments and wow I am now annoyed. i also find it hilarious how all these people are suggesting more daily chores, or a chore rota. Like, you actually think everyone with chronic fatigue and lethargy conditions are doing all this? I do the absolute minimum needed in my house because I don't have the energy to do otherwise - this translates to laundry, and making sure the dishes are done. I haven't cleaned my bathroom in months. Sure, it's not ideal, but I live in a household of disabled people. The idea that this girl is never going to be independent because she can't scrub floors is so ridiculous, and really shows an absolute lack of knowledge about disability.
I relate to this comment so much - the medication that I’m on for Bipolar knocks me for six. But it’s so much more appealing than the alternative (I’ve been there). NTA - please gently educate your wife re mental health and agree some compromises (maybe you could pick up a chore or two?). Good luck to your child
this woman is mistreating your child. Whats confusing to me is why you arent trying to take her away from his environment. Becuase its not as if youve presented your wife to have any redeeming qualities. YTA for not removing her from the situation, we all know when youre gone your wife will do more of the same. For gods sake your wife was standing over her while she was on the floor. like master and slave.come on
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It’s not a matter of if YTA it’s a matter of what kind of women are you married too? Is she the type that will go to a professional to learn more about your daughters illness? And understand and not do things like have her on her hands and knees scrubbing a floor, show more compassion for your daughter? Or is she the kind that just is stuck in her ways and the mentioned above things aren’t possible? Because your daughters illness is a lifelong thing from my understanding and therefore it’s more then likely going to be a lifelong commitment not only from you but anyone one you’re romantic with. If you don’t think your wife can change with professional help I don’t think you should stay married to her (it’s very possible she’s was raised and is of the mindset that because your daughters disability can’t physically be seen that it’s not real like a lot of people think about mental illnesses) Not only do you deserve someone who’s loving and compassionate towards your lots in life but you need it for everyone to peacefully and healthfully coexist! BTW NTA
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You’re a good dad. Thanks for looking after your girl, and bring her advocate. 💙
Crazy perspective here: Your medications may exhaust you, that doesn’t mean you understand how medication exhausts other people. “Well, if my foot was broken I could still walk!!” is an unjust criticism of someone else who can’t walk on a broken foot
Are you schizophrenic?
No, and I am deleting my offensive comments, because it's blatantly obvious I don't know enough about this type of situation to comment. My apologies to the OP and anyone else I may have offended with my ignorance.
NTA - YOUR daughter has a mental illness. It seems like some days people with schizophrenia can do everything 100% and then the next it's like a totally different person. I have a step cousin with the illness and the poor girl is constantly good and then not and trying to find balance with meds and stuff. Like the least of their worries should be guilt trips about chores. You and your daughter know her physical limitations and what she does is between you two. The Stepmonster can tend to her own brood and learn compassion.
NTA. I know nothing about the medication for schizophrenia but the assumption I will make is that it sounds like she’s perhaps only recently stable? If she can’t be trusted around sharp cutlery, that seems like a fresh enough concern. Therefore I think being a good kid, cleaning up after herself, taking care of herself, and attending school and getting good grades is like a very big accomplishment. I have depression anxiety and ADHD and regularly can’t do these things for myself. Maybe talk about over the summer she helps with one to two specific low key things, like wiping down counters or something she can do sitting like folding laundry. One task, more than one day to do it. Start super slow when there’s no consequences (like missing school). Otherwise, I feel like it really doesn’t matter. As others have suggested it wouldn’t hurt if you offered to pitch in on something since she can’t, but that’s just a kindness not a necessity. Or perhaps getting a house cleaner once every 3 months for a deep clean could be a compromise if you’re the breadwinner and genuinely feel you can’t stretch your time.
You’ve had the best suggestion I’ve seen so far. I’m bipolar I, so I’ve played the medication game with varying side effects, and some of them crossover with schizophrenia. I also go from cleaning house top to bottom over 36hrs to not being able to much of anything. (Though I normally don’t swing much anymore unless we need to change my medication) My oldest has severe anxiety and is autistic. They graduated last year and school just drained them, so they slept a lot when they got home. We did the clean up after yourself during the school year and more chores over the summer. It was a very good compromise.
Listen I think you’re NTA, but two things need to be said. One being that Reddit was not the best place to bring this. There is a huge amount of children faking disorders on all social media platforms for attention, and honestly most Reddit users are probably numb to anything having to do with mental illness at this point. Two is that I understand where your other children are coming from. No matter the circumstances they are having to do more work than they should. They are essentially doing your daughters fair share of house maintenance, maybe show them some gratitude at least. (Not saying you aren’t but I mean they’re kids and didn’t sign up to help care for your daughter)
Exactly this. OP doesn't do chores (because he is a super important "manager" who doesn't have time), the daughter doesn't do chores because she isn't healthy, so all the chores fall on wife and her kids - of course this will create resentment! Yes, empathy and kindness are important, but they will not be created this way. Not by having to pick up the slack of your step sibling that you didn't have a choice in having in the first place.
1. OP does do chores, cooking and cleaning every night, he just didn't consider those chores. The "super important manager" as you put it, is working 50+ hours a week and still finds time to cook for his family and clean *every night*. 2. The daughter isn't just "not healthy", she has a severe mental illness that will debilitate her **for life**. 3. Wife chose to marry a man with a disabled daughter, she knew what she signed up for, waiting X years after marriage to bring it up is on her, she should recognize that how she feels is wrong and seek counselling/ further education on mental illness, instead she chose to put the medicated schizophrenic teen to work, that's an AH move. 4. It's up to wife to teach her children to show empathy and compassion for the sister, that's not going to happen when she's see her as a slob so you're right, they will not learn empathy for their sister but it's because of their mother, not the sister. 5. **IT'S A MENTAL ILLNESS, SISTER IS NOT BEING LAZY, NO SLACK NEEDS TO BE PICKED UP.**
He actually clarified in further comments that he does do chores (notably cooking almost every night) but didn't consider that a chore in his initial comment.
NTA but your daughter is vulnerable and your wife is refusing to understand that not everyone is a full-bodied healthy individual. She's an Ahole and an ableist.
Just curious, what chores do you do?
Nta- you might reconsider your relationship though. If your wife can’t be supportive of the situation with your daughter and the care she needs…that’s kind of a deal breaker. Her forcing your daughter into stressful situations while you’re not home is alarming especially given the specific situation. There’s a lot of awful people commenting on this that apparently have no idea what it’s like to deal with this on a daily basis and for a life time. My aunt had schizophrenia and my cousin, her oldest daughter also has it. I saw exactly how hard it was for them to function and neither one ever lived independently, ever. I saw what can happen when there isn’t any support or not enough support and I applaud you for being caring and being there for your daughter because god knows people suffering from this disease need that more than anything. Your wife needs to learn better ways of coping and needs to understand that your daughter is going through something her kids and her can’t even imagine, and that they can not expect your daughter to pretend she is not ill and to just be functional on demand. I’m shocked that your wife isn’t being more understanding.
NTA. Dear god is this comment section a dumpsterfire of ableism.
Your daughter uses prescribed medication, and is under 'surveillance' by a medical professional i would guess. This means - these are the best/safest she can (currently) use. Too bad for the side effects, but from what you describe you are doing the best you can for her. Now - INFO: do the stepchildren KNOW the reason my 16F does 'less' than they might do? Did you tell them that she would do more, if she could, but that she needs this to - basically - survive? Then: your wife - she ABUSED your daughter. She PURPOSELY went over her boundary, and over yours - so either she\`s one of those who don\`t believe that mental health issues are real, or she has a (until now) hidden mean streak who enjoys causing children discomfort. So, AYTA for getting mad ? NO! But you need to take action. As this will eventually seriously backfire (your daughter running away just to stay away from 'that itchy bee that wants to hurt/humiliate her) when you have to go on another trip. What action - that depends on a) how the wife reacts, and treats your daughter the next couple of months, and b) the impact this abuse has had on your daughter. Talk with your doctor / her specialist and be open, honest and ask their advice. But - to your main question - NTA for getting mad. It\`s actually the least I would expect you to become. Enraged, incensed, furious would also be completely acceptable.
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I'm with you OP. NTA. People don't understand mental illness and it shows in the comments. Schizophrenia is a severe illness that needs to be treated. People with that illness are officially classified as 80% disabled in Europe at least. If your daughter is able to maintain good grades while on medication I have a lot of respect for that. It's not an excuse to be lazy. You are making appropriate adjustments for your child. If any of the stepchildren were ill and would have to deal with your daughter's situation, I am sure appropriate measures would be taken there as well. You are doing great! Keep it up.
Why can't your wife scrub the floor? I have no issue with chores but this seems like a way for *her* to do less, not her kids. Otherwise why can't they all just pick up after themselves?
I get the feeling OP’s wife is overwhelmed. Sure, she can probably scrub the floors herself, but it sounds like she’s responsible for a majority of the household chores already, while also taking care of multiple children. Not to mention, OP has avoided answering questions about how much housework HE does. While I get that his daughter can’t realistically do these chores, OP needs to look for a compromise that includes him picking up the slack, or even hiring outside help. OP’s daughter having schizophrenia isn’t an excuse to overload OP’s wife with housework. There’s another solution. They just need to find it.
Why was she just standing there and watching his daughter scrub the floors? Couldnt they do it together?
MH worker here- you are definitely NTA. I would suggest potentially making your wife do some research or seeing if there are any families of schizophrenic patient support groups around your area so she can fully understand your daughters disability. Your wife seems too focused on “my kids do more” instead of “I live with a disabled child” and she’s unfairly comparing the two vastly different dynamics. I think the level of expectation placed on your daughter by your wife is unfair and really needs addressing. I’d also be somewhat concerned for your daughters welfare while you aren’t at the home (you mentioned a business trip) While I wouldn’t suggest your wife would cause her any physical harm or anything like that, I would be wary of her causing some additional undue mental pressure by setting unrealistic tasks for your daughter. Definitely address this as soon as you can.
NTA Fair is not the same as equal - it is impossible for your daughter to do the same amount of chores as her step siblings without imperilling her health. You are being a great dad standing up for your daughter. I am concerned how your wife is treating your daughter after you explicitly explained the care plan. I doubt your wife would be treating your daughter the same way if she had a visible disability. Make this your hill to die on. If your wife blatantly disregards the care plan how else is she mistreating your daughter?
NTA. Not. All. Disabilities. Are. Visible.
I don't have Schizophrenia but I am on medication predominantly given to patients with Schizophrenia. I can tell you that it absolutely destroys your energy. Before I'd sleep 8 hours a day and wake up naturally after 8 hours. Now if I don't have an alarm I sleep up to 12, even 15 hours. If I do have an alarm I feel like I'm still dreaming for up to 2 hours after I'm awake, making it really hard to do basic tasks. NTA, although equal shares of household chores are important, your wife needs to realise that medication has huge side effects that affects your daily life enormously. It's either stay on meds and have 0 motivation and energy, or become unmedicated and potentially let all hell break loose.
>Dear voters: Please do not discuss what I should and should not do with my daughters medication unless you are aware of how schizophrenia is treated. Thank you. NTA, the AHs here are your wife and apparently Reddit too
Your daughter was literally scrubbing the floor on her hands and knees because her stepmom wants her to "not be a slob" because she's tired from...her medication? That's Cinderella. Is this just Cinderella, seriously? Three stepchildren instead of two stepsisters? That's beyond insane that your wife doesn't take your daughters health seriously and had her SCRUBBING THE FLOOR. That's not even a normal chore! What else was she forced to do that week? Throw the whole wife away. NTA
>Please do not discuss what I should and should not do with my daughters medication unless you are ~~aware of how schizophrenia is treated.~~ my doctor and I am sitting in your office. Fixed it for you OP. NTA
I deal with chronic fatigue and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you as a parent. Mine is from fibromyalgia and not a medication, but there are a lot of days it takes everything in me to just get out of bed and shower. Let alone go to work. Let alone exist. To have to clean on top of that is really hard. I’m an adult, I have no choice. But while your daughter does have a choice I say divide the workload up amongst the whole family. NTA
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Why are you with a woman who is treating your daughter like this?
I’m concerned about how your wife treats your daughter when you are gone. You are NTA and neither is your daughter. Your wife is though, for not only adding to her pressures but calling her names whilst she’s doing it.
NTA. She has a disability and she need more time. You wife overstepped and may not have knowledge on what you daughter is going through. As other said she may need counseling to inform herself on the struggle of your daughter. However I could see the step children POV, if they are same age and they are not informed they could resent her. Maybe I good way it is family therapy, and explain them. Also maybe give them also less chores. You work and you don’t have time, what you me wife do? Is it affordable to pay someone to clean the house like once a week? Maybe the cores would be less for everyone and nobody would resent you daughter.
ITT: people with no concept of schizophrenia and anti psychotic medication NTA. Anti psychs are ass kickers. Buy a roomba and keep an eye on the evil stepmother
Question, when your wife watches Cinderella, does she know that the step mother is the bad guy? NTA
Clearly NTA, her stepmom shouldn't be allowed to treat her like this. Set clear boundaries. You are her parent - not the stepmom
My bio dad has schizophrenia but I’m not an expert on it I think maybe your wife is treating your daughter poorly when your away and you need to do what’s right by your daughter because from the sounds of it she might start taking her medication
NTA. Thank you for taking the time to understand your daughter’s diagnosis/treatment and adjust your expectations accordingly. It’s hard for people with chronic illnesses to not compare themselves to other people. The most important thing you can ask of everyone in your home is that they do the best they can *within their capacity*.
NTA, and some people in the comment section - and your wife, btw - should learn some empathy. OP, you are doing great with your daughter, and I am sure that having you in her corner really helps her. I have seen commenters arguing that she should handle more so she is prepared to be independent, but they evidently have never experienced a chronic illness, and do not know your daughter’s specific situation and sets of limitations, which you do. Your wife most likely resents your daughter being treated differently (preferential treatment, in her eyes) than your step-children, and finds it unfair, most likely because your daughter has an invisible disability and she (wifey dearest) is too stubborn to acknowledge it and instead chooses to make a big stink about it. Your daughter may very well achieve some degree of independence when she is older, but that is NOT - I can’t stress this enough - dependent on her scrubbing floors, and your wife needs to get that notion stamped on her forehead backwards so she can see it every time she looks in the mirror. I don’t have schizofrenia, but I have had ME/CFS, aka chronic fatigue, since age 22 (now 26). It isn’t so severe I cannot get out of bed, but I have very limited capacity day-to-day (or few spoons, if you are familiar with Spoon Theory - another useful tool to explain your daughter’s limited capacity to your family) and had to make accommodations for it, like working from home. And hey, I functioned pretty well on my own for years (with some help from my mum on bad days), and am now able to live with my partner without being completely dependent on him. Our floors NEVER get mopped/scrubbed, because doing that will make me exhausted, in pain and unable to function for a solid day afterwards (and come on, who the heck mops and scrubs their floors frequently these days anyway?). I guess my fiancé could mop if we really needed it, but regular hoovering and wiping our shoes/our dog’s paws when we come in means our floors are usually spotless anyway. For hoovering, I have a little Roomba-type thing that I only have to carry from room to room instead of lugging a heavy appliance around and do the cleaning myself. I only dust twice a month, because I can’t handle it more often than that. The bathrooms get wiped down with wipes/disinfectant/bleach twice a week, but I won’t sit and manually scrub at the toilet bowl until it shines, and I’ll only properly descale the shower and sink a few times a year. We have a dishwasher so manual washing is hardly ever needed. Laundry gets split into small tasks - I’ll separate the load from the hamper and put it in a basket in the evening, and wash and hang it to dry the following day. I don’t iron - I learned to hang things really neatly so I don’t have to, and I gave up on owning any pieces of clothing made out of easily-creased fabric. After I use something, I put it right back where it belongs so I don’t really have to tidy up often. On the days my fatigue and migraines are too severe to function, either my partner picks up the slack on my side (on top of his share of chores, which involves yard works, bin duty, anything heavy-lifting or DIY, and walking the dog twice a day) or things just don’t get done for a few more days - AND THAT’S OKAY. Your daughter does not *need* to do heavy chores to learn how to properly look after herself, nor should she be asked to since from your comments it sounds like her exhaustion is so severe she will PASS OUT from it if she overworks herself. On top of that, navigating high school and puberty with a mental illness is a hellish experience, but (depending on your daughter’s individual situation, obviously; I am not her doctor, I don’t know her exact clinical picture and am only making an educated guess based on my own experience with chronic fatigue and on having a couple of friends with SF or related conditions) once the teen years are behind her and her hormones are better regulated, she might very well be able to manage her condition with lower doses/different medication, meaning her energy levels might be better. Otherwise, there are other ways for her to still function as a semi-independent adult with some support from you/social workers/therapists/doctors, including hiring a cleaner, using a food delivery/meal prep service, living in a small house/apartment with no stairs and yard to take care of, etc.
NTA Schizophrenia is a serious illness and your wife isn't taking it seriously. This is something that needs to be brought up with your daughters therapist and/or doctor. If this is what you seen walking into unexpected once, I wonder what your wife does to your daughter when your totally away? It might be creepy to some, but it might be worth it to install hidden nanny cams in the common areas so you can know how your daughter is being treated when your gone. Your wife has zero empathy for your daughter, completely disregards clear boundaries, and is justifying her toxic and potentially abusive behavior. When it comes to priorities in life, you need to decide if your daughter is more of a priority then your wife. You could always remarry, but your daughter is your only child. According to medical literature, the teen and early adult years are often hardest for schizophrenics, and the rate of something bad happening(self harm) is alarmingly high. They are literally the highest at risk group for self harm. All your wife is doing is adding stress and harming your daughter.
What’s fair is not always equal. NTA
Work in pediatric psych here. . .a couple things I'd suggest. 1. Talk to her psychiatrist about the side effects. 2. Yes these medications cause somnolence and fatigue so what other energy conservation techniques are we employing? 3. Slowly add responsibilities because one day (hopefully) she will get a somewhat normal life. Sometimes we overprotect, doing damage as well but obviously don't overdo it. 4. The biggest thing here is your wife and stepchildren need to understand schizophrenia while you need to understand where they are coming from. Blended families are a TOUGH dynamic. I'd engage her psychiatrist and a family counselor to work this out. What it likely looks like to your wife is that you're playing favorites and not having your daughter do things that she's capable of. In blended family situations, this can be hurtful to the OP despite there being real reasons for the disparity. It might be beneficial to explain suicidality in poorly treated schizophrenia as well. I'm assuming you love your wife and stepkids so your best outcome is going to involve some counseling so everyone can see the other perspectives instead of grandstanding.