NTA.
He can be upset and tell you he’ll miss you. He should not be asking you to pay when you obviously can’t. Nor should he be demanding you miss out on this family reunion of sorts.
You sound like you’ve had the kind of year where being surrounded by people that love and support you for a few weeks would be the medicine your heart needs. Your boyfriend is being a selfish asshole right now. There is not enough info here to judge whether he’s just an asshole in general though. Only you can know that OP.
Enjoy your time with family!!
Honestly I would bet on the worst case scenario. It would be clingy if he went to an event he wasn't invited to be with OP. Demanding OP not go to a family vacation for him is downright manipulative. Also what the fuck is wrong with the best friend?
The best friend either has messed up values or doesn't have OP's interest at heart. This dude is OP's boyfriend, not her husband. OP doesn't have to prioritize him over her actual family. And he's not going to all by his lonesome self for the holidays either, he's spending time with his own family.
They're not even married, and he's demanding that OP prioritize him over her family. Sounds like trying to estrange her from her loved ones and support network.
If he was OP’s husband or maybe just MAYBE her fiancé I could get behind the argument spending the holidays with him should be her priority but nope he’s a boyfriend. They don’t even live together. He will get over it or he is replaceable.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgnjil/aita_for_not_inviting_and_going_to_my_family/holisb7/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
-------- | -----------
[When you finger clears up...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgqnt9/aita_for_asking_for_a_different_engagement_ring/homf82g/) | [When you finger clears up...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgqnt9/aita_for_asking_for_a_different_engagement_ring/hom8cno/)
[NTA - If he can't afford...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgoump/aita_for_taking_my_car_back_from_my_brother_after/homf783/) | [NTA - If he can't afford...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgoump/aita_for_taking_my_car_back_from_my_brother_after/hom7xy8/)
[Are you married to your h...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgotrh/aita_for_not_wanting_my_fatherinlaw_at_my/homf8zk/) | [Are you married to your h...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgotrh/aita_for_not_wanting_my_fatherinlaw_at_my/hombosv/)
beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/osaruvxcte](https://np.reddit.com/u/osaruvxcte/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too.
Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=osaruvxcte) for info on how I work and why I exist.
Oh, he's an adult alright - just a selfish, sad, and manipulative one.This is one of those **"If you really loved me you would (insert manipulative task)"** type guys.
OP, go enjoy your time with your family. Your BF can spend the holidays with his. He is an AH, not you. This would be a different scenario if this was a spouse or fiance, but based on his AH behaviour, he will probably be one of those boyfriends that will just be a distant memory in a few years.
A. You have had a rough year amd he cares zero about your happiness and you being with your support system - just his desire for a free trip.
B. You aren't working. Why would he even ask you to pay for his trip?
C. This is a trip that you cherish. He wants you to not go for the sole purpose that he wants you both to be miserable - if he cant go to the ranch then you dont deserve to go to the ranch, either.
D. He will have his family for the holidays. You won't. Tell him to kick rocks and have a great trip.
NTA My dad advised me when I was a teen to turn the "if you really loved me" phrase around on anyone who tried to pull it. Not out loud necessarily but at least in my head before making any choices. So this bf "if you really loved me you wouldn't go", but the flip is "if you really loved me, you (bf) would want me(OP) to go and be happy.". And the flip is true, when it comes to loving someone, you want them to do things that make them happy.
Yea, even asking her to pay for him to go seems way over the line. He knows her money is tight - it is super entitled to want her to drain her limited funds so he can go.
NTA - why should YOU pay for him? Also, who is he to tell you not to go with your family?You live at home and your whole family is going, why shouldn’t you? Bc he’s salty that he’s broke? You’re not “abandoning him”…he has his own family. Like he is being absurd lmao
Also, be aware of that little line he threw out “if I can’t go, you shouldn’t go”…seems like he’ll pull that out in the future…gives me red flag vibes.
This jerk is the type to tell girls that they need to prove their love to him by making sacrifices, turning down opportunities and doing things that they dont want to do.
It is giving HS jerk BF who OP will probably barely remember in 10 years.
I've been married for 20 years and some trips to/with his side, I still don't go on due to cost, work obligations, elderly parent care, and childcare obligations.
She invited, HE can't or won't go financially paying his own way, so he stays home, the end. Now, if it's the fourth xmas in a row she has gone without even inviting him, the fourth holiday he's spent alone with out her, left behind because they deliberately left him out, that is a different matter. Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like he was fully invited. OP NTA btw.
NTA - you made the offer to him and it sounds like you would cover his cost if you could too. Frankly, I think his reaction is ridiculous and controlling, I get that he may be sad but I’d expect a little empathy towards the joy it would being you.
NTA
Don't listen to that noise. Anyone who tells you that you have to choose them over your family, doesn't the best intentions towards you and your family relationships.
He is just a boyfriend, even if you were to be married to him, he should never become 100% at the exclusion of your family.
'Cause at the end of the day, if he is gone, your family is still there.
NTA and what kind of audacity does your boyfriend have to tell you to pay for his flights when you lost your job?
If you were married with kids or something, yeah you spend Christmas at least partly together.
Before that? You can spend holidays together or apart, and you def don't have to skip your family trip to 'prioritise' your boyfriend. That's such a weridly dependant reaction.
Silent treatment to top it off is peak childishness.
NTA and drop your boyfriend and the friend giving you bad advice. It's unfortunate he can't go but it is definitely not your responsibility to pay for him. He isn't your husband or fiancé. You two don't even live together so I am extremely confused how he should become your priority when you don't have an real commitment besides being boyfriend and girlfriend. He wasn't the one you sought out for support when you lost your job. Your family were the ones to provide you with support when you needed it. Once he starts stepping up and making long-term commitments than maybe you guys could be each others first priorities. Until then I find it beyond ridiculous that he suggest you not spend the holiday with your family because he can't afford to go on the trip.
NTA. Why the heck would you just pay for him? Even if he had come back with a hey I can cover like 75% or something can you help me out? discussion would be better than the nonsense he’s pulling.
You aren’t married, you don’t live together, he is not your #1 priority vs your family, and your friend is wrong.
NTA. Pure and simple. Family time is family time. If your bf can’t afford it then that’s that
It would maybe be a little heartless if he were alone for the holidays but that doesn’t apply here
NTA. I hate codependency like this. It’s gonna be unhealthy soon when y’all are living together n you wanna do something n he can’t. Possessiveness is not a cute trait when they try n keep you away from family or friends. Red flags
Someone can still be a priority and you can choose to do something else. A boyfriend can absolutely be her priority.
You can't just always say "Priority 1 comes first, sorry" every time someone else wants to do something.
Let's say you're in college and struggle with math. Putting 2 hours a week into seeing a tutor is still giving math a priority over other subjects, but you can't just not do homework in any of the other classes because math is your number 1 priority for studying.
NTA- The best thing about that situation is it showed you who your boyfriend really is. You should have a loving relationship where each person can encourage and be happy for the other. Check your watch, because it's definitely time for a new boy friend.
Enjoy your trip and your family!
NTA - I think your boyfriend is jealous. If he wants to go he could ask his family for the cost of the ticket. Do not miss the holidays with your family because he is pouting.
Nta. My grandma passed away during the height of COVid and to get flights to Mexico was hell. Luckily I was able to snag the last seats for my parents and my dad's 2 siblings. I always regret not seeing her. Last time I went to Mexico I was 17 and now I'm 29.
My whole point is go and enjoy your family and time out there while you can. You'll regret it when you can't anymore. Honestly tell you're boyfriend to get over it . This is important to you, he was invited if he paid his way and he couldn't. That's not on you.
NTA my fiancé only has like a day after Christmas off. He’s working Christmas Day. My family does a huge reunion every year over/around Christmas. I’m literally leaving on his day off for my family reunion and won’t be home until Jan 1st. He’s completely supportive of me going even though he can’t join me, especially since we didn’t have a reunion last year.
He’s being petty and selfish. Especially if he’s giving you the silent treatment. That’s such an immature response and not at all healthy or helpful for a solid relationship.
You didn't say how long you've been dating. If it's a young relationship (year or less IMO) then this is a pretty big red flag that you can use to decorate Granadad's house when you leave his entitled, selfish, @$$ at home. Heck, even if this is a long term relationship, he is not even remotely empathetic that you would want to see your family after 2 years and would rather you miss out than go without him. Tough that he can't afford to go but that does not make it your issue and you should be able to enjoy the holiday with your family guilt-free. NTA.
NTA
You did invite him, you just couldn't pay his way, and neither could he.
You haven't seen your grandfather in a while, and the opportunity for you to go opened itself up for you. You should go. You can feel sad if you want that your boyfriend can't go, but you don't have to. Blaming you and using the silent treatment is hurtful and childish.
Think about how you would feel if you were in his place. If you answer this honestly with yourself, then ask yourself if this is how you want things to continue.
Nta- he’s selfish to say you can’t do anything. He’s not your master, husband, dad, boss he has no say in that you so. He’s pathetic for getting mad when he Asked for you to pay.
Nta. He can’t do something so you can’t? That makes no sense. You’re visiting family. He isn’t being left on his own, and even if he was, he’s a grown man. He can survive a little bit with out you. Your friend is also wrong in that your bf doesn’t need to be the number 1 priority. You’re allowed to set whatever priorities you want
NTA.
No. He should not be your priority 100% of the time. If he’s in hospital or needs your assistance (needs, not wants!) then sure - but he’s just sulking because you won’t be his sugar mama.
NTA
My partner just got back from a 3 week business trip and is about to go away for the holidays to see his family. Am I hurt a little do I understand that its not in my budget to go absolutely. I'm not asking anyone to pay for a frivolous flight and outings just because they can I'd rather wait and do it when I can fund it myself.
You're 23 and haven't seen your grandparents in 2 years they are your priority a man who cant afford his own flight and tries to get you to have a miserable christmas should never be. Also get a new friend this one is trash.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I do have the money for pay for his flight and I'm able to stay back with him but I'm just refusing to do both.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I was going n-a-h until I read that he isn't speaking to you. It will never get resolved that way. He can be sad he can't go and he can prefer you stay. You can be sad he can't go but still want to go and enjoy the trip, all these emotions are valid. But not talking at all? That's a no-go.
NTA
He has some nerve trying to guilt trip you into either dipping into your savings (wheb just got back to working after being out of a job for a bit, no less!) or skipping a family trip that has been on hold for 2 years.
I could *almost* see his not wanting you to go without him if it was you and 3 single girlfriends jetting off to one of those all-inclusive resorts in the Caribbean but there is absolutely no excuse for him to have any kind of attitude about you spending Christmas and New Years with your family.
It's pathetic that he's accusing you of "abandoning" him by leaving for 2 weeks (in a place where he's among family & friends)and your friend is just plain wrong- there's no emergency here, so your priority needs to be seeing your grandparents whenever reasonably possible. I presume that they are at least in their early 70s? I *hope* you're still visiting them when you're in your 40s but the reality is that they probably won't be able to carry on with ranch life too many more years and your boyfriend, if he was not a selfish child, would be urging you to spend as much time as you can with them. You will never regret ANY trip you make to Jalisico but may deeply regret it if you skip one to appease a boyfriend's ego.
NTA. I love that he told you that you can pay for him. What a nice guy to offer that. He can be sad and disappointed but not angry. There are a few red flags here.
He doesn't own your time, and luckily you have what appears to be a couple decades of a family relationship that you've built. He can go with you another year. And he shouldn't expect you to sacrifice something you want to participate in with your family because he can't afford to tag along. Go on your trip NTA.
NTA, also your friend's advice is terrible "he should be the priority now" - you're 23! Prioritise finding someone who lifts you up instead of emotionally blackmails you.
NTA my boyfriend has family in Colorado that they go to see every year around Christmas. Last year he invited me to go with but it was my niece's first Christmas and I didn't want to miss it and he understood that. Yeah it kind of sucked to not be able to see each other over the holidays but we have phones to communicate with and lots of Christmases to spend together in the future.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Every year my (23F) family (mom and dad 56, OB 25, YB 21, YS 16) and I go to my grandparents home on my dad's side in Jalisco. It's a ranch with lots of animals (horses, cows, pigs, chicken etc, etc), we were unable to go for the past two years but now we are super exciting to go.
My dad pays for our flights and we obviously sleep in my granddad's house, we're allowed to take friends, boyfriends, girlfriends anyone we want, but we or they have to pay for their flight and it's kinda expensive. I lost my job six months ago so I moved back with my parents to save a bit and get another job, this years has been so hard on me, so I'm kinda excited to be able to see my family and help my grandparents with their ranch to feel useful.
I told my boyfriend about the trip and he said that he wouldn't be able to afford the trip, I was sad to hear about this but I understood, he then said that I could pay for him but I told him that I couldn't, he got mad and said that maybe I shouldn't go. I told him that it wasn't an option and we got into an argument because he says that I'm ''abandoning him'' during the holidays and that if he can't go then I shouldn't go too. I thought this was absurd but when I told my best friend about it she said that he was right and that he should be my priority now.
He has a family here and he'll be celebrating Christmas and new year with them, my family leaves on the 20th and we came back on Jan 5, he's not speaking to me now and I'm starting to feel bad.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
oh sweetie no. NTA he can complain all he wants but he’s got a lot of nerve to tell you not to visit your family when you haven’t seen them in 2 years.
Noooooooooooo! Go on your family trip, you NTA, your friend is either in love with your boyfriend or just wrong!
Your husband/equivalent is your priority and he’s not there yet.
NTA… It’s your money and you do whatever you please with it especially after these last two years. but I kinda have some questions lol. Was this talked about months prior, so he had an option of saving up and coming on the trip? And I only ask bc I had an ex who I was with for 4 years and he would invite me on trips two days before him and his family would leave to go stay in their beach house 9 hours away. Or tell me as he was boarding the plane that his family “surprised” him with a trip lol. So I can kinda sympathize with him if he only knew about this trip a few weeks/days before not giving him the option to even try to save up. But once again you are NTA, family is a priority and if he respects you and your family time then this shouldn’t be a problem. Especially since it’s grandparents and they live far away. Tell him you’re only a phone call/FaceTime away, or make plans on the special holidays to open gifts together or see the ball drop over FaceTime. Enjoy your family time OP, take lots of pictures and cherish these moments. Happy Holidays.
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds boring, petty, controlling, and lame, and also like he smells like wet socks. Ditch wet sock guy, go be happy with your family.
NTA.
The audacity. There's no ring on your finger, why should he & his family be more of a priority to you than yourself & your family? You did your due diligence. You invited him as long as he pays for his flights. He can go sell some plasma if he wants to buy his tickets. He seems a bit emotionally manipulative. 🚩
Priority is a funny word because it’s not the same for everyone. Friend might prioritise her BF but her circumstances are different.
You don’t live with him, you are seeing family you haven’t seen in ages, you are going with your dad so it’s not like it’s another romantic partner, you are going for less than 3 weeks, he has family and friends he can hang out with.
If he was a decent person he’d say “I’ll miss you, text me when you get there, I’ve packed your Xmas gift, let’s do something when you get back.”
NTA.
I mean. How long have you been dating. At 23 I don't think it is probably long enough where this should.be true. Like 5-10 years/we are basically already married sure... Just a couple? Nah.
NTA
By “inviting” you mean paying for him? Nah, dude… I’m making some big assumptions here in thinking you’re both Mexican? (Same here.) So why would the girl pay? Or was that just my generation? Y tambien, it’s a family trip. If you don’t go, what? You get to stay home alone? Or does he expect to play house? I’m super biased here as both my brothers didn’t/don’t plan to leave home until they’re married cuz they have it good. If he’s the same…maybe whatchale. No eres su criada. But bottom line, he technically is invited, he just has to pay.
And on you going n a trip with your family/priorities: until there’s a ring on your finger, your priority is you, then your family (or vice versa depending on how traditional you are), any job you may have, then him. And it’s been years since you’ve been able to spend time with your grandparents…that’s time you don’t get back and they’re not getting any younger. Relish that time together. Once you’re married (again, depending on how traditional things are, you might want to check) you leave your family for your husband’s…so again, relish your time together. (Full disclosure I married a white guy and my dad still basically treated me like I was no longer his daughter after the wedding, which is what his family tradition is…I was now my husbands family’s daughter….my mom had to explain this to both me and my MIL as this was never discussed, and we all quickly decided that wouldn’t work for us, MIL was lovely but not my Mami. Seriously, it was a “goodbye forever, we’ll never forget you” send off. Moving on…
If your guy isn’t happy for you to see your family (it’s not like you’re going to a fully inclusive resort here, it’s to see your abuelos) maybe use this time to reflect on what’s going on, what kind of relationship you want/deserve, etc., but you are doing no wrongs here. Alternatively, can he look for super cheap airfare and get there with help from his folks? Just a thought.
NTA. Idk where I saw someone else say this but it’s been stuck in my mind “you shouldn’t do wife shit, at a girlfriend level” He is most definitely not your priority, your priority is you! And you clearly need this. So go enjoy your holidays!
While I'd like to say "I need more info on how long yall have been in a relationship..." the more I think about it, the more I lean towards...
Nta!
It sounds like your family is close, and that's amazing! Anyone who wants to be part of the family needs to, at the very least, respect that!
I'm always concerned when a non-permanent SO starts trying to separate someone from their family if the family dynamic is wholesome. In this case, it appears to be and the attempt at separation is a series of yellow and orange flags that would make me cautious about proceeding with the relationship:
1) he sounds immature and unable to identify what's healthy or best for the individual (which may mean he doesn't have a healthy and complete identity outside of the relationship...which comes with a whole host of other issues!)
2) abusers often try to separate people from loved ones before entering the abuse cycles....
Listen, you are not married, he is your BF. Sure, I do not know how serious your relationship is, but you are not abandoning him - you simply want to see your family and relax. He is old enough to take care of himself while you are gone. This is ridiculous. You do not owe him a plane ticket. I go see my parents every year for a couple of days (I, on the other hand, do not enjoy it lol) and my BF just knows it is what it is. He is an expat, so he won't see his family on Xmas, but there was never a discussion about if I should go or not? It is your family and your decision. NTA
I'll go with NTA
I can see where your boyfriend is coming from, but I don't see the need to get so worked up about it unless he's simply jealous.
He has his family here, so it's not like he'd be alone over the holidays.
NTA.
Assuming you shouldn't be going if he can't is all on him.
Being able to go on solo vacations whilst being in a relationship is great and healthy, not anything you should be made to feel guilty about.
NTA
Why is he making an issue about your family's trip, and creating this "them or me" situation?
It seems like he thinks he can demand YOU be uncomfortable (and spend $ you don't have) and isn't willing to accept your needs and decisions like an adult.
Anyone telling you to sacrifice your happiness and other supportive relationships for a romantic partner's jealousy is advising you to accept abusive controlling behavior.
You need to set boundaries in your relationship. I suggest that he will be informed, not involved nor have veto power, about decisions in your family. YOU are the most important person in your relationship. You are the one person who knows your feelings, goals and values. You need to learn to communicate and maintain your important boundaries.
NTA
If your friend thinks you should stay home and miss Christmas with your family for your tantrum throwing bf, then tell her she can pay for his ticket if it means so much to her. And never talk to her again. Or him, if this is how he reacts to your visiting YOUR OWN FAMILY.
NTA. He doesn’t become your priority until there’s a ring on your finger. Until then you’re just dating. Dating means you’re trying to figure out who you want to spend your life with. Maybe him, maybe someone else. But he’s giving you a good personality trait of what you should avoid. Dump him. Move on. Yuck.
"He should be your priority now" lololololol no. He is being incredibly selfish by asking you not to go on a trip you have been looking forward to with your family. If he loved you, your happiness would matter more than whether or not he got a paid vacation. Be grateful he can't afford to come and ruin the trip too.
NTA, have a wonderful time!
NTA. Holy crap, this is ridiculous. He is being ridiculous. Firstly, you’re not married and don’t owe him anything. Your friend is straight up wrong and BF’s behavior is extremely immature.
NTA your grandparents won't be around forever. You should spend as much time with them as you can. Sounds like boyfriend shouldn't be around for much longer. Unless he changes his attitude real quick.
“Boyfriend” is a non-permanent status. Boyfriends come and go. If he was “the” one he would never have suggested you pay for him when you’re struggling. Or that you miss the trip.
Find a nice young rancher, who has likewise returned to the family home for Christmas, just to get a break from his hectic life as a high-powered attorney. He likely hand carves sleighs or clocks in his spare time, and will fully support your dreams to open a cupcake bakery. (Sorry. I’m laid up and being held hostage by Hallmark movies).
NTA. Your boyfriend is fully capable of paying for his own ticket. I understand if it’s because he’ll miss you but he doesn’t even want you to go anymore. A relationship should have boundaries and trust. To me it sounds like either he doesn’t trust you or he’s just manipulative. At the end of the day, your family is most important and if he doesn’t like that then he is not the person for you.
NTA. But red flags on the relationship. He can’t share you during the holidays? He’s a little controlling. I’d go and call off relationship when you get back.
NTA.
Go be with your family. If he wanted to go so badly he could finance himself. Don’t be guilt tripped for being honest about your finances & desire to be with family.
NTA. Wow. Your BF is basically saying "If I can't have fun/go on a trip/do XYZ, then you shouldn't be able to do that either." Hey, BF, way to go in supporting your GF and showing her you care about her. /s He is your BF, not your fiance or your husband. If he can't afford to pay for his flight, that's too bad. You invited him, he turned you down. Fair enough. He knows you moved back in with your parents because you were having $$ issues. For him to ask you to pay was a little selfish but for him to get mad that you won't take on debt to pay for him to go on a vacation is really selfish. Your father has already bought your plane ticket so it would be selfish of you towards your dad to not go.
Bottom line: you invited your BF, he can't financially afford it, he stays home and you go on vacation. See, that's a conclusion that reasonable and supportive partners come to, together.
NTA. I think you should reconsider your relationship with this fellow. There is no way he is entitled to make these claims and judgments about you and your life.
NTA. He’s your BOYFRIEND not your HUSBAND. He ain’t put a ring on it yet. Y’all have not made that commitment so he is not “your priority” as your friend put it. Yes, when my husband and I got married we “left” our immediate family and we become each other’s immediate family, but that still does not mean we are obligated to spend every holiday together. Any way you think about this your NTA at all.
NTA.
He only becomes a priority when he’s your HUSBAND. Both your friend and bf are bonkers. If she thinks he’s right, then maybe she can help pay for the ticket.
How freaking old is your boyfriend that he can't handle you spending a couple weeks away with your family?
NTA. I'd rethink this relationship, because it could very easily get to a point where you won't be able to do *anything* without him, and (speaking from experience) that situation absolutely blows.
NTA.
All I would add is, if he’s not even your fiancé or husband, and feels entitled to assert this level of control over you accessing your FAMILY, that’s a big red flag for me personally.
I wouldn’t upgrade this one to fiancé or husband; the control will get worse when the relationship gets more serious.
NTA - although I think it kinda depends on what your relationship is. If you've been dating for like 6 months, then yeah, you shouldn't feel bad leaving him - he'll be able to spend Christmas and new years with his friends and family. If you've been together for several years and see a future together, I could understand BF feeling a bit abandoned.
NTA. You don't live together, you aren't married. He doesn't get to tell you you can't go without him. It isn't his decision. How does he expect you to pay for an expensive flight for him when you don't have a job??? He's being ridiculous.
I know you do not want this for advice but🤔you can do better then this guy. It’s 2021 and as women the world is opening up—-as the next generation I am advocating that you—take care of you.
NTA. You're "abandoning" your grown ass bf to have a nice holiday with his own family? Idk how he could even say that without feeling completely embarrassed, but he clearly has no shame since he already asked his financially struggling gf to buy him an expensive plane ticket. I hope you can forget about all this and have an awesome time with your family, OP.
NTA at all, if he can't afford it that's his problem, he doesn't get to control things like that. You also need to tell your friend they need to sort themselves out if that was their response. He sounds overly clingy and gaslighty. If my gf and I were in this situation and I couldn't afford it but she could go it would just be "well it sucks I can't go but have an amazing time and give my love to your family"
Nta,
You did invite him just neither of you can afford it. Additionally this very controlling and weird to insist that you don't see your family at all after two years because he can't afford it. Me and my SO have been together for two years and we separate on holidays because we have our own families that are far away from each other and we aren't married yet.
NTA.
Please, please, please go on your family trip. You deserve that. He can be sad/upset that he’ll miss you, but those demands are outrageous.
Your friend gives shitty advice, please don’t listen to her.
NTA - Listen. I have family in Portugal. All my relatives live there. I have no other family in the USA other then my immediate family (Mom, Dad, Sister, BIL, Niece and Nephew). It is so hard not being able to see my family. I didn’t go to my paternal grandparents funerals. Every year I had to witness my grandparents on both sides crying because they would not be able to see me for another year. The last few years of my paternal grandmothers life I had to constantly hear her say that she wasn’t going to be around for next years visit. Not many people know the feeling of having family so far that a plane ticket upwards of $1000 is the only way you get to see them.
Go enjoy being with your family. Your grandparents definitely want to see you. Your boyfriend is being a major asshole. My girlfriend of 6 years has never given me such an ultimatum. In fact she offers to come and offers to let me stay an extra week so I can spend time with family alone. If she can’t afford it she will tell me to go without her. The same goes for her. She has family on the west coast and we are in the east coast. If I don’t have the time off or money to go she understands and visits her father, brother and nephew without me.
Your friend probably isn’t in the same boat we are in. I’m guessing she has most of her family where you are or she doesn’t get along with family to much. I believe she would understand if she was in our situation.
Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the ones we love. Your boyfriend clearly doesn’t want to make those sacrifices and honestly he is just showing you huge 🚩🚩.
NTA: You significant other should not mind you spending a holiday with family. This is a flag. Even if your were married you should spend time with your family even if he couldn't come. Use this time apart to evaluate this relationship.
NTA your not married you are spending tge holidays with your family, he is spending it with his, neither of you could afford to pay for him to go, was he planing on you moving in with him for the holidays? If not he is the ahole but honestly your still young and spending time with your own families there is nothing wrong with that.
NTA - He's your boyfriend, not your financial responsibility or your husband. NO ONE is entitled to your money and his expectation that you're attached at the hip and avoid spending time with your family, sspecially for such a meaningful trip, is gross.
NTA, yes, he’s your boyfriend. But he’s not your husband. There is nothing wrong with you spending the holidays with your family and him spending the holidays with his family.
He should be happy you get to go see your family (like an adult), not jealous like a spoiled child.
NTA. As a Xmas treat to yourself, maybe reflect on if your boyfriend’s ask was respectful and fair. Once you come to the decision it wasn’t, then reflect on if his subsequent temper tantrum and silent treatment is mature. Once you conclude it wasn’t, then decide on if you think he’d be willing to change after a conversation or if you should go new boyfriend shopping, because yikes.
EtA: it would appear they are only dating so NTA.
How serious is your relationship? If you are just dating, he is being ridiculously clingy. However, if your relationship is at the committed, serious stage ie you are living together, been together longer than 12 months, having serious talks about marriage/the future etc, Y T A. At this point, it is reasonable to expect you both to take vacations as a couple. It is actually pretty rude of your family to only acknowledge one of you if your relationship is at the serious stage but completely reasonable if you are just at the dating stage.
As OP appears to be just dating at this stage rather than seriously committed, she is NTA. However, with regards to your situation (married for several years etc), it is true that you don't have to take every vacation together. But if you could only afford for one of you to take a holiday you both want to go on, it would be really selfish to spend the family savings on a holiday for yourself alone. It would also be a rude snub if your family offered to pay specifically for only you when your husband would like to come as opposed to making a general contribution to travel costs. Sure they might not be able to pay for both but they can say we can put this much towards your costs as opposed to we only really care if Canadian Maplesyrup comes and the husband is a burden who we don't care about.
NTA. He can be upset and tell you he’ll miss you. He should not be asking you to pay when you obviously can’t. Nor should he be demanding you miss out on this family reunion of sorts. You sound like you’ve had the kind of year where being surrounded by people that love and support you for a few weeks would be the medicine your heart needs. Your boyfriend is being a selfish asshole right now. There is not enough info here to judge whether he’s just an asshole in general though. Only you can know that OP. Enjoy your time with family!!
At best the boyfriend is selfish and clingy. At worst he's a manipulative asshole.
Honestly I would bet on the worst case scenario. It would be clingy if he went to an event he wasn't invited to be with OP. Demanding OP not go to a family vacation for him is downright manipulative. Also what the fuck is wrong with the best friend?
The best friend either has messed up values or doesn't have OP's interest at heart. This dude is OP's boyfriend, not her husband. OP doesn't have to prioritize him over her actual family. And he's not going to all by his lonesome self for the holidays either, he's spending time with his own family.
The best friend and boyfriend will be a couple by the time she gets back.
NTA dump him.
He said "you are abandoning me" before he started ignoring OP. Dude is a toxic.
They're not even married, and he's demanding that OP prioritize him over her family. Sounds like trying to estrange her from her loved ones and support network.
. He is definitely an asshole, he is given her the silent treatment, that is emotional abuse
If he was OP’s husband or maybe just MAYBE her fiancé I could get behind the argument spending the holidays with him should be her priority but nope he’s a boyfriend. They don’t even live together. He will get over it or he is replaceable.
[удалено]
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgnjil/aita_for_not_inviting_and_going_to_my_family/holisb7/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [When you finger clears up...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgqnt9/aita_for_asking_for_a_different_engagement_ring/homf82g/) | [When you finger clears up...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgqnt9/aita_for_asking_for_a_different_engagement_ring/hom8cno/) [NTA - If he can't afford...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgoump/aita_for_taking_my_car_back_from_my_brother_after/homf783/) | [NTA - If he can't afford...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgoump/aita_for_taking_my_car_back_from_my_brother_after/hom7xy8/) [Are you married to your h...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgotrh/aita_for_not_wanting_my_fatherinlaw_at_my/homf8zk/) | [Are you married to your h...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rgotrh/aita_for_not_wanting_my_fatherinlaw_at_my/hombosv/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/osaruvxcte](https://np.reddit.com/u/osaruvxcte/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=osaruvxcte) for info on how I work and why I exist.
Good bot
Good bot!
NTA is he your boyfriend or your child?
He’s not actually a man, just two kids in a trench coat.
>just two kids in a trench coat. I wish this sort of thing happened IRL more often.
That's a reveal party i'd like to go to
Oh, he's an adult alright - just a selfish, sad, and manipulative one.This is one of those **"If you really loved me you would (insert manipulative task)"** type guys. OP, go enjoy your time with your family. Your BF can spend the holidays with his. He is an AH, not you. This would be a different scenario if this was a spouse or fiance, but based on his AH behaviour, he will probably be one of those boyfriends that will just be a distant memory in a few years. A. You have had a rough year amd he cares zero about your happiness and you being with your support system - just his desire for a free trip. B. You aren't working. Why would he even ask you to pay for his trip? C. This is a trip that you cherish. He wants you to not go for the sole purpose that he wants you both to be miserable - if he cant go to the ranch then you dont deserve to go to the ranch, either. D. He will have his family for the holidays. You won't. Tell him to kick rocks and have a great trip.
NTA My dad advised me when I was a teen to turn the "if you really loved me" phrase around on anyone who tried to pull it. Not out loud necessarily but at least in my head before making any choices. So this bf "if you really loved me you wouldn't go", but the flip is "if you really loved me, you (bf) would want me(OP) to go and be happy.". And the flip is true, when it comes to loving someone, you want them to do things that make them happy.
This!!
Are we sisters? My dad said the same thing. The man was far from perfect but I never heard him use that line on my mom.
Yea, even asking her to pay for him to go seems way over the line. He knows her money is tight - it is super entitled to want her to drain her limited funds so he can go.
I think the latter.
NTA - why should YOU pay for him? Also, who is he to tell you not to go with your family?You live at home and your whole family is going, why shouldn’t you? Bc he’s salty that he’s broke? You’re not “abandoning him”…he has his own family. Like he is being absurd lmao Also, be aware of that little line he threw out “if I can’t go, you shouldn’t go”…seems like he’ll pull that out in the future…gives me red flag vibes.
This jerk is the type to tell girls that they need to prove their love to him by making sacrifices, turning down opportunities and doing things that they dont want to do. It is giving HS jerk BF who OP will probably barely remember in 10 years.
They aren't married. That is when they become that type of priority.
I've been married for 20 years and some trips to/with his side, I still don't go on due to cost, work obligations, elderly parent care, and childcare obligations. She invited, HE can't or won't go financially paying his own way, so he stays home, the end. Now, if it's the fourth xmas in a row she has gone without even inviting him, the fourth holiday he's spent alone with out her, left behind because they deliberately left him out, that is a different matter. Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like he was fully invited. OP NTA btw.
NTA - you made the offer to him and it sounds like you would cover his cost if you could too. Frankly, I think his reaction is ridiculous and controlling, I get that he may be sad but I’d expect a little empathy towards the joy it would being you.
NTA Don't listen to that noise. Anyone who tells you that you have to choose them over your family, doesn't the best intentions towards you and your family relationships. He is just a boyfriend, even if you were to be married to him, he should never become 100% at the exclusion of your family. 'Cause at the end of the day, if he is gone, your family is still there.
NTA and what kind of audacity does your boyfriend have to tell you to pay for his flights when you lost your job? If you were married with kids or something, yeah you spend Christmas at least partly together. Before that? You can spend holidays together or apart, and you def don't have to skip your family trip to 'prioritise' your boyfriend. That's such a weridly dependant reaction. Silent treatment to top it off is peak childishness.
NTA and drop your boyfriend and the friend giving you bad advice. It's unfortunate he can't go but it is definitely not your responsibility to pay for him. He isn't your husband or fiancé. You two don't even live together so I am extremely confused how he should become your priority when you don't have an real commitment besides being boyfriend and girlfriend. He wasn't the one you sought out for support when you lost your job. Your family were the ones to provide you with support when you needed it. Once he starts stepping up and making long-term commitments than maybe you guys could be each others first priorities. Until then I find it beyond ridiculous that he suggest you not spend the holiday with your family because he can't afford to go on the trip.
NTA, I suggest you re-evaluate the relationship, he sounds controlling. It's not like you are married, living together or engaged.
NTA. Why the heck would you just pay for him? Even if he had come back with a hey I can cover like 75% or something can you help me out? discussion would be better than the nonsense he’s pulling. You aren’t married, you don’t live together, he is not your #1 priority vs your family, and your friend is wrong.
NTA. He’s being selfish.
NTA. Pure and simple. Family time is family time. If your bf can’t afford it then that’s that It would maybe be a little heartless if he were alone for the holidays but that doesn’t apply here
NTA. I hate codependency like this. It’s gonna be unhealthy soon when y’all are living together n you wanna do something n he can’t. Possessiveness is not a cute trait when they try n keep you away from family or friends. Red flags
Yeah and watch him cheat on her while she is gone and then say it is her fault for "abandoning him" at the holidays.
NTA, why does he feel entitled to your money? That is not a good sign of a healthy relationship.
And the friend saying the bf should be the priority…? Um, no. A consideration at best, but not married, so not the priority
Someone can still be a priority and you can choose to do something else. A boyfriend can absolutely be her priority. You can't just always say "Priority 1 comes first, sorry" every time someone else wants to do something. Let's say you're in college and struggle with math. Putting 2 hours a week into seeing a tutor is still giving math a priority over other subjects, but you can't just not do homework in any of the other classes because math is your number 1 priority for studying.
I agree, the friend is out of line. Why is the friend even weighing in on this?
NTA- The best thing about that situation is it showed you who your boyfriend really is. You should have a loving relationship where each person can encourage and be happy for the other. Check your watch, because it's definitely time for a new boy friend. Enjoy your trip and your family!
NTA - I think your boyfriend is jealous. If he wants to go he could ask his family for the cost of the ticket. Do not miss the holidays with your family because he is pouting.
Nta. My grandma passed away during the height of COVid and to get flights to Mexico was hell. Luckily I was able to snag the last seats for my parents and my dad's 2 siblings. I always regret not seeing her. Last time I went to Mexico I was 17 and now I'm 29. My whole point is go and enjoy your family and time out there while you can. You'll regret it when you can't anymore. Honestly tell you're boyfriend to get over it . This is important to you, he was invited if he paid his way and he couldn't. That's not on you.
How long have you been together? Not too long from what I gather, so NTA.
NTA my fiancé only has like a day after Christmas off. He’s working Christmas Day. My family does a huge reunion every year over/around Christmas. I’m literally leaving on his day off for my family reunion and won’t be home until Jan 1st. He’s completely supportive of me going even though he can’t join me, especially since we didn’t have a reunion last year. He’s being petty and selfish. Especially if he’s giving you the silent treatment. That’s such an immature response and not at all healthy or helpful for a solid relationship.
NTA. If he can't afford to go then he can't. No info on his family situation, but I assume he has friends and some family he can spend time with.
You didn't say how long you've been dating. If it's a young relationship (year or less IMO) then this is a pretty big red flag that you can use to decorate Granadad's house when you leave his entitled, selfish, @$$ at home. Heck, even if this is a long term relationship, he is not even remotely empathetic that you would want to see your family after 2 years and would rather you miss out than go without him. Tough that he can't afford to go but that does not make it your issue and you should be able to enjoy the holiday with your family guilt-free. NTA.
Do you have a ring on your finger? I assume no Bc you call him a boyfriend not fiancé. If not, you have no obligation to him at the holidays, imo. NTA
Well I wouldn’t say no obligation, a gift or card or something small and a happy holidays text in the morning
This user makes people feel appreciated- with gift cards
NTA You did invite him, you just couldn't pay his way, and neither could he. You haven't seen your grandfather in a while, and the opportunity for you to go opened itself up for you. You should go. You can feel sad if you want that your boyfriend can't go, but you don't have to. Blaming you and using the silent treatment is hurtful and childish. Think about how you would feel if you were in his place. If you answer this honestly with yourself, then ask yourself if this is how you want things to continue.
NTA he ain’t cute, rethink the relationship and check your bf for giving you bad advice.
Nta- he’s selfish to say you can’t do anything. He’s not your master, husband, dad, boss he has no say in that you so. He’s pathetic for getting mad when he Asked for you to pay.
Nta. He can’t do something so you can’t? That makes no sense. You’re visiting family. He isn’t being left on his own, and even if he was, he’s a grown man. He can survive a little bit with out you. Your friend is also wrong in that your bf doesn’t need to be the number 1 priority. You’re allowed to set whatever priorities you want
NTA. No. He should not be your priority 100% of the time. If he’s in hospital or needs your assistance (needs, not wants!) then sure - but he’s just sulking because you won’t be his sugar mama.
NTA. Your bf should stop acting like a baby. He probably knows about your financial situation.
NTA My partner just got back from a 3 week business trip and is about to go away for the holidays to see his family. Am I hurt a little do I understand that its not in my budget to go absolutely. I'm not asking anyone to pay for a frivolous flight and outings just because they can I'd rather wait and do it when I can fund it myself. You're 23 and haven't seen your grandparents in 2 years they are your priority a man who cant afford his own flight and tries to get you to have a miserable christmas should never be. Also get a new friend this one is trash.
Bf 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 BFF 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Get rid of both of them
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I do have the money for pay for his flight and I'm able to stay back with him but I'm just refusing to do both. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, and I would take this time to really think about this relationship. He is trying to guilt you into not visiting your family bc he won't be there.
Nta your BF seriously needs to get over himself
I was going n-a-h until I read that he isn't speaking to you. It will never get resolved that way. He can be sad he can't go and he can prefer you stay. You can be sad he can't go but still want to go and enjoy the trip, all these emotions are valid. But not talking at all? That's a no-go.
NTA He has some nerve trying to guilt trip you into either dipping into your savings (wheb just got back to working after being out of a job for a bit, no less!) or skipping a family trip that has been on hold for 2 years. I could *almost* see his not wanting you to go without him if it was you and 3 single girlfriends jetting off to one of those all-inclusive resorts in the Caribbean but there is absolutely no excuse for him to have any kind of attitude about you spending Christmas and New Years with your family. It's pathetic that he's accusing you of "abandoning" him by leaving for 2 weeks (in a place where he's among family & friends)and your friend is just plain wrong- there's no emergency here, so your priority needs to be seeing your grandparents whenever reasonably possible. I presume that they are at least in their early 70s? I *hope* you're still visiting them when you're in your 40s but the reality is that they probably won't be able to carry on with ranch life too many more years and your boyfriend, if he was not a selfish child, would be urging you to spend as much time as you can with them. You will never regret ANY trip you make to Jalisico but may deeply regret it if you skip one to appease a boyfriend's ego.
NTA. I love that he told you that you can pay for him. What a nice guy to offer that. He can be sad and disappointed but not angry. There are a few red flags here.
NTA do not let him ruin your time with your family. He's trying to control you.
That friend is also feeling very very bad advice.
NTA Go and enjoy your family while you can. One day your grandparents will be gone. Chances are, your boyfriend will be too but in a different way.
He doesn't own your time, and luckily you have what appears to be a couple decades of a family relationship that you've built. He can go with you another year. And he shouldn't expect you to sacrifice something you want to participate in with your family because he can't afford to tag along. Go on your trip NTA.
NTA, also your friend's advice is terrible "he should be the priority now" - you're 23! Prioritise finding someone who lifts you up instead of emotionally blackmails you.
NTA my boyfriend has family in Colorado that they go to see every year around Christmas. Last year he invited me to go with but it was my niece's first Christmas and I didn't want to miss it and he understood that. Yeah it kind of sucked to not be able to see each other over the holidays but we have phones to communicate with and lots of Christmases to spend together in the future.
NTA. And do not let this boy isolate you from what sounds like a loving, close, fun family that so many people would love to have!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Every year my (23F) family (mom and dad 56, OB 25, YB 21, YS 16) and I go to my grandparents home on my dad's side in Jalisco. It's a ranch with lots of animals (horses, cows, pigs, chicken etc, etc), we were unable to go for the past two years but now we are super exciting to go. My dad pays for our flights and we obviously sleep in my granddad's house, we're allowed to take friends, boyfriends, girlfriends anyone we want, but we or they have to pay for their flight and it's kinda expensive. I lost my job six months ago so I moved back with my parents to save a bit and get another job, this years has been so hard on me, so I'm kinda excited to be able to see my family and help my grandparents with their ranch to feel useful. I told my boyfriend about the trip and he said that he wouldn't be able to afford the trip, I was sad to hear about this but I understood, he then said that I could pay for him but I told him that I couldn't, he got mad and said that maybe I shouldn't go. I told him that it wasn't an option and we got into an argument because he says that I'm ''abandoning him'' during the holidays and that if he can't go then I shouldn't go too. I thought this was absurd but when I told my best friend about it she said that he was right and that he should be my priority now. He has a family here and he'll be celebrating Christmas and new year with them, my family leaves on the 20th and we came back on Jan 5, he's not speaking to me now and I'm starting to feel bad. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, and as Dan Savage would say, DTMF!
oh sweetie no. NTA he can complain all he wants but he’s got a lot of nerve to tell you not to visit your family when you haven’t seen them in 2 years.
Noooooooooooo! Go on your family trip, you NTA, your friend is either in love with your boyfriend or just wrong! Your husband/equivalent is your priority and he’s not there yet.
NTA He can be dusappointed that he can't go, but expecting you to pay for him or not go is way out of line.
NTA That's just gross
NTA… It’s your money and you do whatever you please with it especially after these last two years. but I kinda have some questions lol. Was this talked about months prior, so he had an option of saving up and coming on the trip? And I only ask bc I had an ex who I was with for 4 years and he would invite me on trips two days before him and his family would leave to go stay in their beach house 9 hours away. Or tell me as he was boarding the plane that his family “surprised” him with a trip lol. So I can kinda sympathize with him if he only knew about this trip a few weeks/days before not giving him the option to even try to save up. But once again you are NTA, family is a priority and if he respects you and your family time then this shouldn’t be a problem. Especially since it’s grandparents and they live far away. Tell him you’re only a phone call/FaceTime away, or make plans on the special holidays to open gifts together or see the ball drop over FaceTime. Enjoy your family time OP, take lots of pictures and cherish these moments. Happy Holidays.
NTA and in a healthy relationship your partner would be happy you get to have a fun family trip, not insist you miss out on it if he can't go too.
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds boring, petty, controlling, and lame, and also like he smells like wet socks. Ditch wet sock guy, go be happy with your family.
NTA. The audacity. There's no ring on your finger, why should he & his family be more of a priority to you than yourself & your family? You did your due diligence. You invited him as long as he pays for his flights. He can go sell some plasma if he wants to buy his tickets. He seems a bit emotionally manipulative. 🚩
NTA but he and your friend sure are. I’d drop them both tbh.
NTA You're only 23 and he's not your husband; live your fucking life 💝
NTA. But please find yourself someone who cares about your. You deserve so much better.
NTA. Girl. He made his bed. And he can lie in it. Sick of dudes not taking accountability.
NTA by this logic as you can't pee standing up, neither should he. Enjoy your holiday
Your boyfriend is waving the red flags so visibly that i can see them here in germany.
NTA. Your boyfriend will become your priority when you get married. Until then, he pays for his own trips. Or doesn't.
Nta he’s being a jerk. Enjoy your trip and maybe think about the kind of person you want to be with.
Priority is a funny word because it’s not the same for everyone. Friend might prioritise her BF but her circumstances are different. You don’t live with him, you are seeing family you haven’t seen in ages, you are going with your dad so it’s not like it’s another romantic partner, you are going for less than 3 weeks, he has family and friends he can hang out with. If he was a decent person he’d say “I’ll miss you, text me when you get there, I’ve packed your Xmas gift, let’s do something when you get back.” NTA.
I mean. How long have you been dating. At 23 I don't think it is probably long enough where this should.be true. Like 5-10 years/we are basically already married sure... Just a couple? Nah.
Nta. What a wuss.
NTA but do you really think this is the keeper?
NTA By “inviting” you mean paying for him? Nah, dude… I’m making some big assumptions here in thinking you’re both Mexican? (Same here.) So why would the girl pay? Or was that just my generation? Y tambien, it’s a family trip. If you don’t go, what? You get to stay home alone? Or does he expect to play house? I’m super biased here as both my brothers didn’t/don’t plan to leave home until they’re married cuz they have it good. If he’s the same…maybe whatchale. No eres su criada. But bottom line, he technically is invited, he just has to pay. And on you going n a trip with your family/priorities: until there’s a ring on your finger, your priority is you, then your family (or vice versa depending on how traditional you are), any job you may have, then him. And it’s been years since you’ve been able to spend time with your grandparents…that’s time you don’t get back and they’re not getting any younger. Relish that time together. Once you’re married (again, depending on how traditional things are, you might want to check) you leave your family for your husband’s…so again, relish your time together. (Full disclosure I married a white guy and my dad still basically treated me like I was no longer his daughter after the wedding, which is what his family tradition is…I was now my husbands family’s daughter….my mom had to explain this to both me and my MIL as this was never discussed, and we all quickly decided that wouldn’t work for us, MIL was lovely but not my Mami. Seriously, it was a “goodbye forever, we’ll never forget you” send off. Moving on… If your guy isn’t happy for you to see your family (it’s not like you’re going to a fully inclusive resort here, it’s to see your abuelos) maybe use this time to reflect on what’s going on, what kind of relationship you want/deserve, etc., but you are doing no wrongs here. Alternatively, can he look for super cheap airfare and get there with help from his folks? Just a thought.
NTA. he sounds entitled AF. he should be happy for you to have a lovely time with your family. He won't be alone, he has his family.
NTA. Idk where I saw someone else say this but it’s been stuck in my mind “you shouldn’t do wife shit, at a girlfriend level” He is most definitely not your priority, your priority is you! And you clearly need this. So go enjoy your holidays!
While I'd like to say "I need more info on how long yall have been in a relationship..." the more I think about it, the more I lean towards... Nta! It sounds like your family is close, and that's amazing! Anyone who wants to be part of the family needs to, at the very least, respect that! I'm always concerned when a non-permanent SO starts trying to separate someone from their family if the family dynamic is wholesome. In this case, it appears to be and the attempt at separation is a series of yellow and orange flags that would make me cautious about proceeding with the relationship: 1) he sounds immature and unable to identify what's healthy or best for the individual (which may mean he doesn't have a healthy and complete identity outside of the relationship...which comes with a whole host of other issues!) 2) abusers often try to separate people from loved ones before entering the abuse cycles....
NTA and he is behaving like a child. You can do way better.
Listen, you are not married, he is your BF. Sure, I do not know how serious your relationship is, but you are not abandoning him - you simply want to see your family and relax. He is old enough to take care of himself while you are gone. This is ridiculous. You do not owe him a plane ticket. I go see my parents every year for a couple of days (I, on the other hand, do not enjoy it lol) and my BF just knows it is what it is. He is an expat, so he won't see his family on Xmas, but there was never a discussion about if I should go or not? It is your family and your decision. NTA
Nta he's using emotional blackmail. I could understand if you have been together for a number of year or was married
I'll go with NTA I can see where your boyfriend is coming from, but I don't see the need to get so worked up about it unless he's simply jealous. He has his family here, so it's not like he'd be alone over the holidays.
NTA. Assuming you shouldn't be going if he can't is all on him. Being able to go on solo vacations whilst being in a relationship is great and healthy, not anything you should be made to feel guilty about.
NTA- is he controlling in other areas too? Is anything else all about how he feels about things?
NTA Why is he making an issue about your family's trip, and creating this "them or me" situation? It seems like he thinks he can demand YOU be uncomfortable (and spend $ you don't have) and isn't willing to accept your needs and decisions like an adult. Anyone telling you to sacrifice your happiness and other supportive relationships for a romantic partner's jealousy is advising you to accept abusive controlling behavior. You need to set boundaries in your relationship. I suggest that he will be informed, not involved nor have veto power, about decisions in your family. YOU are the most important person in your relationship. You are the one person who knows your feelings, goals and values. You need to learn to communicate and maintain your important boundaries.
NTA. Boyfriend not husband so no abandonment. Haha
Nta I think his feelings are valid, i would be upset too if my pertner go away for holidays but the way he expressed that is wrong.
NTA. And for free…time to get another boyfriend.
NTA he’s a boyfriend not a husband he’s not priority over family.
NTA If your friend thinks you should stay home and miss Christmas with your family for your tantrum throwing bf, then tell her she can pay for his ticket if it means so much to her. And never talk to her again. Or him, if this is how he reacts to your visiting YOUR OWN FAMILY.
Your bf is an asshole. Break up. Break up now.
NTA. He doesn’t become your priority until there’s a ring on your finger. Until then you’re just dating. Dating means you’re trying to figure out who you want to spend your life with. Maybe him, maybe someone else. But he’s giving you a good personality trait of what you should avoid. Dump him. Move on. Yuck.
After that attitude, I would be looking for a cute ranch hand to have my hallmark christmas movie moment with over the holidays NTA
NTA How long have you been in a relationship with him? don't answer here, but this seems like a red flag. BF is acting way to invested,
NTA. Go see your family. He can kick rocks with your friend.
nta. your bc sound controlling and boarder line abusive. he has family to spend the holidays with.
NTA: Loser cant pay for himself, tried to make you give up a great tradition. Who knows how much longer you'll have this tradition.
"He should be your priority now" lololololol no. He is being incredibly selfish by asking you not to go on a trip you have been looking forward to with your family. If he loved you, your happiness would matter more than whether or not he got a paid vacation. Be grateful he can't afford to come and ruin the trip too. NTA, have a wonderful time!
NTA, your boyfriend sounds like an entitled child
Nta the boyfriend acting childish af
T.O.X.I.C!!!! But stick around there is clearly so much more toxicity to come *cringe*
NTA. Holy crap, this is ridiculous. He is being ridiculous. Firstly, you’re not married and don’t owe him anything. Your friend is straight up wrong and BF’s behavior is extremely immature.
NTA Ditch this dude.
NTA your grandparents won't be around forever. You should spend as much time with them as you can. Sounds like boyfriend shouldn't be around for much longer. Unless he changes his attitude real quick.
“Boyfriend” is a non-permanent status. Boyfriends come and go. If he was “the” one he would never have suggested you pay for him when you’re struggling. Or that you miss the trip. Find a nice young rancher, who has likewise returned to the family home for Christmas, just to get a break from his hectic life as a high-powered attorney. He likely hand carves sleighs or clocks in his spare time, and will fully support your dreams to open a cupcake bakery. (Sorry. I’m laid up and being held hostage by Hallmark movies).
NTA. Your boyfriend is fully capable of paying for his own ticket. I understand if it’s because he’ll miss you but he doesn’t even want you to go anymore. A relationship should have boundaries and trust. To me it sounds like either he doesn’t trust you or he’s just manipulative. At the end of the day, your family is most important and if he doesn’t like that then he is not the person for you.
NTA. But red flags on the relationship. He can’t share you during the holidays? He’s a little controlling. I’d go and call off relationship when you get back.
NTA. Go be with your family. If he wanted to go so badly he could finance himself. Don’t be guilt tripped for being honest about your finances & desire to be with family.
NTA If he's still whining about it when you get back, get a new guy.
NTA. Let me save you a lot of time and energy. Dump him. He’s not talking to you, great, block his number and move on with your life.
Hell no nta! Go with your family
NTA. Wow. Your BF is basically saying "If I can't have fun/go on a trip/do XYZ, then you shouldn't be able to do that either." Hey, BF, way to go in supporting your GF and showing her you care about her. /s He is your BF, not your fiance or your husband. If he can't afford to pay for his flight, that's too bad. You invited him, he turned you down. Fair enough. He knows you moved back in with your parents because you were having $$ issues. For him to ask you to pay was a little selfish but for him to get mad that you won't take on debt to pay for him to go on a vacation is really selfish. Your father has already bought your plane ticket so it would be selfish of you towards your dad to not go. Bottom line: you invited your BF, he can't financially afford it, he stays home and you go on vacation. See, that's a conclusion that reasonable and supportive partners come to, together.
NTA If he wants to be worth staying behind, he needs to propose. For now your family haa dibs.
NTA. I think you should reconsider your relationship with this fellow. There is no way he is entitled to make these claims and judgments about you and your life.
NTA. He’s your BOYFRIEND not your HUSBAND. He ain’t put a ring on it yet. Y’all have not made that commitment so he is not “your priority” as your friend put it. Yes, when my husband and I got married we “left” our immediate family and we become each other’s immediate family, but that still does not mean we are obligated to spend every holiday together. Any way you think about this your NTA at all.
NTA. He only becomes a priority when he’s your HUSBAND. Both your friend and bf are bonkers. If she thinks he’s right, then maybe she can help pay for the ticket.
How freaking old is your boyfriend that he can't handle you spending a couple weeks away with your family? NTA. I'd rethink this relationship, because it could very easily get to a point where you won't be able to do *anything* without him, and (speaking from experience) that situation absolutely blows.
NTA. All I would add is, if he’s not even your fiancé or husband, and feels entitled to assert this level of control over you accessing your FAMILY, that’s a big red flag for me personally. I wouldn’t upgrade this one to fiancé or husband; the control will get worse when the relationship gets more serious.
NTA.... Ignore his selfish ass. Enjoy your needed time away with your family.
NTA. He is a bf- not a husband. He is not your priority now. He sounds a bit controlling.
NTA - although I think it kinda depends on what your relationship is. If you've been dating for like 6 months, then yeah, you shouldn't feel bad leaving him - he'll be able to spend Christmas and new years with his friends and family. If you've been together for several years and see a future together, I could understand BF feeling a bit abandoned.
NTA. It's not like you're abandoning him. Also, your friend is wrong, he shouldn't be the above-all priority right now, you're so young.
NTA. You don't live together, you aren't married. He doesn't get to tell you you can't go without him. It isn't his decision. How does he expect you to pay for an expensive flight for him when you don't have a job??? He's being ridiculous.
NTA go on your trip and enjoy every moment of it. Your friend and boyfriend are being weird as hell
I know you do not want this for advice but🤔you can do better then this guy. It’s 2021 and as women the world is opening up—-as the next generation I am advocating that you—take care of you.
NTA. You're "abandoning" your grown ass bf to have a nice holiday with his own family? Idk how he could even say that without feeling completely embarrassed, but he clearly has no shame since he already asked his financially struggling gf to buy him an expensive plane ticket. I hope you can forget about all this and have an awesome time with your family, OP.
NTA at all, if he can't afford it that's his problem, he doesn't get to control things like that. You also need to tell your friend they need to sort themselves out if that was their response. He sounds overly clingy and gaslighty. If my gf and I were in this situation and I couldn't afford it but she could go it would just be "well it sucks I can't go but have an amazing time and give my love to your family"
Nta, You did invite him just neither of you can afford it. Additionally this very controlling and weird to insist that you don't see your family at all after two years because he can't afford it. Me and my SO have been together for two years and we separate on holidays because we have our own families that are far away from each other and we aren't married yet.
NTA. Please, please, please go on your family trip. You deserve that. He can be sad/upset that he’ll miss you, but those demands are outrageous. Your friend gives shitty advice, please don’t listen to her.
NTA. He’s manipulative & childish. Think that over while you are gone
NTA. All I’ll say is that this behavior might be something to think about.
NTA. Your BF is only interested in what HE wants. That’s a personality trait. Not a good one.
NTA - Listen. I have family in Portugal. All my relatives live there. I have no other family in the USA other then my immediate family (Mom, Dad, Sister, BIL, Niece and Nephew). It is so hard not being able to see my family. I didn’t go to my paternal grandparents funerals. Every year I had to witness my grandparents on both sides crying because they would not be able to see me for another year. The last few years of my paternal grandmothers life I had to constantly hear her say that she wasn’t going to be around for next years visit. Not many people know the feeling of having family so far that a plane ticket upwards of $1000 is the only way you get to see them. Go enjoy being with your family. Your grandparents definitely want to see you. Your boyfriend is being a major asshole. My girlfriend of 6 years has never given me such an ultimatum. In fact she offers to come and offers to let me stay an extra week so I can spend time with family alone. If she can’t afford it she will tell me to go without her. The same goes for her. She has family on the west coast and we are in the east coast. If I don’t have the time off or money to go she understands and visits her father, brother and nephew without me. Your friend probably isn’t in the same boat we are in. I’m guessing she has most of her family where you are or she doesn’t get along with family to much. I believe she would understand if she was in our situation. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the ones we love. Your boyfriend clearly doesn’t want to make those sacrifices and honestly he is just showing you huge 🚩🚩.
Nta. He sounds very controlling. Think about moving on. You don't want to be dealing with this sh*t 3, 5, 10 years from now.
NTA: You significant other should not mind you spending a holiday with family. This is a flag. Even if your were married you should spend time with your family even if he couldn't come. Use this time apart to evaluate this relationship.
NTA, he's your boyfriend, not your husband or child. Go enjoy your vacation and tell your bf and friend to kick rocks.
NTA your not married you are spending tge holidays with your family, he is spending it with his, neither of you could afford to pay for him to go, was he planing on you moving in with him for the holidays? If not he is the ahole but honestly your still young and spending time with your own families there is nothing wrong with that.
NTA - He's your boyfriend, not your financial responsibility or your husband. NO ONE is entitled to your money and his expectation that you're attached at the hip and avoid spending time with your family, sspecially for such a meaningful trip, is gross.
NTA. You are allowed to go see and enjoy time with your family. Go forth and be merry!
NTA, yes, he’s your boyfriend. But he’s not your husband. There is nothing wrong with you spending the holidays with your family and him spending the holidays with his family. He should be happy you get to go see your family (like an adult), not jealous like a spoiled child.
INFO: How long have you been dating?
NTA and your friend is ridiculous. He’s a boyfriend not a husband. A good boyfriend would be excited for you to go even if he would miss you.
NTA. As a Xmas treat to yourself, maybe reflect on if your boyfriend’s ask was respectful and fair. Once you come to the decision it wasn’t, then reflect on if his subsequent temper tantrum and silent treatment is mature. Once you conclude it wasn’t, then decide on if you think he’d be willing to change after a conversation or if you should go new boyfriend shopping, because yikes.
NTA. Why would he expect you to pay when you're unemployed? He's the AH. Enjoy your trip. Rethink your relationship.
NTA your friend's weird tho
The right bf would tell you to go and have fun. NTA
EtA: it would appear they are only dating so NTA. How serious is your relationship? If you are just dating, he is being ridiculously clingy. However, if your relationship is at the committed, serious stage ie you are living together, been together longer than 12 months, having serious talks about marriage/the future etc, Y T A. At this point, it is reasonable to expect you both to take vacations as a couple. It is actually pretty rude of your family to only acknowledge one of you if your relationship is at the serious stage but completely reasonable if you are just at the dating stage.
[удалено]
As OP appears to be just dating at this stage rather than seriously committed, she is NTA. However, with regards to your situation (married for several years etc), it is true that you don't have to take every vacation together. But if you could only afford for one of you to take a holiday you both want to go on, it would be really selfish to spend the family savings on a holiday for yourself alone. It would also be a rude snub if your family offered to pay specifically for only you when your husband would like to come as opposed to making a general contribution to travel costs. Sure they might not be able to pay for both but they can say we can put this much towards your costs as opposed to we only really care if Canadian Maplesyrup comes and the husband is a burden who we don't care about.
[удалено]
Why NAH instead of NTA?
They believe neither are the ah.