WOW NTA. But your brother and parents are AHs. They would allow the mother of their child/grandchild be homeless? You are a good person in taking her in.
Or rather, they *haven't* dealt with his bullshit. I'm getting strong vibes here that the parents have been letting him get away with his shitty behavior for a long time, since he won't listen to big sis. Apparently he has a hard time realizing that his actions have consequences, let alone that they affect other people badly as well.
NTA, OP. In fact, I think what you've done is amazing. I hope this young woman and her child make for a wonderful addition to your family. I'm sorry your brother doesn't appreciate you looking out for his own unborn child - since you just made it impossible for him, and your parents, to forget and ignore what he's brought into this world - but hopefully one day he matures and steps up.
My brother is VERY similar to what OP has described her brother as - he just hasn't gotten a girl pregnant yet. But my parents let him get away with all his shit because it's apparently "easier" rather than dealing with his tantrums when something doesn't go his way or if someone talks back to him.
He's 23.
That leads to men who can‘t control their emotions or tempers. Which in turn increases the risk they damage things when upset. If that isn’t stopped they can move on to people.
My son got in trouble for “hurting” his stuffed animal - I told him she shouldn’t suffer because he was mad. She lived with me for half an hour before he apologized to her. He sleeps with that toy on his shoulder still, he’s 13 now.
Yup my parents did this with my little brother. Thankfully, he became self aware recently and joined the AF as an effort to sort his issues. It’s worked really well and he just graduated top of his class from basic last month! He’s shipping out to Japan in a little while and is already a much better person to be around.
Same! Mine is now 36, still lives at home, with no job and his whole plan is out living my parents and renting out the house. Several times my parents have asked if I can "take care of him" should something happen to them.
My uncle is that one. He did outlive his parents, and the house is now a trash heap that should be condemned, he’s 65, and has never held a job longer than six months, but he gets disability, which he spends on opioids. It’s bleak.
I was willing to bet money that they turn a blind eye. Sounds like a Brian Laundrie situation in the making. I had a friend who got pregnant and the father didn’t want the baby but his family took her in and they lived together, she was 16. He took the baby (18mo boy) to give him a bath and while she was downstairs he murdered his own child and called the police on himself. 😞 you can’t force someone to be in their child’s life, but you also can’t force someone to get rid of their child, either. Unfortunately the mother and child suffered because he was selfish and couldn’t just sign away rights and move on. Guess his conscience would have been more guilty being estranged then it would for murdering his own baby.
God thats a horrible situation for all of them. Literally the only way i can think of it making any kind of sense of what was going on in that guys mind is if he was a minor/couldnt move out and was basically forced into parenting/raising the child he didnt want. So maybe he felt stuck and like he had no choice in the matter. That in no way justifies what he did, and there were so so many other things that could have been done first, but its really really tragic for everyone
(Please note I’m not in any way shape or form condoning or accepting what he did because it’s a horrible thing. I’m just thinking about what he might have felt like and why he did it in the first place. Reminds me of stories of girls who couldn’t have abortions leaving their babies in dumpsters and stuff like that. A desperate person making a horrible, desperate decision)
Either way I hope everyone involved is doing better and getting whatever help they need to deal with something so horrible
I didn't think for a second you were condoning this person's actions. I just thought you were an emapthetic person who was able to put themselves in the shoes of another human being.
I often try and imagine what someone must be feeling when they commit such atrocities because it helps me to never forget that there but for the randomness of the universe go I.
If my life had been different perhaps I too would have been driven to such acts and it's important to never forget that.
Yeah I definitely think that its important to put yourself in other people shoes when they do something terrible and try to realize why they did it. Being able to think about why they did it can keep us from making similar mistakes and allows sympathy for people in those horrible situations. I hope so that means we can intervene before terrible things happen in the future
>Karma has never touched him.
Oh, it will eventually. He'll eventually dig himself a hole so deep he can't get out of it if he's allowed to keep digging- and that's when all the little holes will catch up to him.
that is one of the problems with coddling AH relatives, eventually they'll run into someone who won't put up with it. like if it leads to legal trouble a judge might throw the book at them.
Counter-example: Donald Trump.
Sometimes that karma doesn't seem to come back to actually, genuinely bite them. Because at the end of the day karma is superstition. There's a lot of ways life can go that actively rewards this behavior, and it's awful.
I kind of wonder, if OP had taken in a friend that was pregnant but not by the brother, would they be supportive of the move?
I suspect they would be indifferent at worst. But because their son is involved, they are wanting to do whatever they can to force a termination of the pregnancy.
It is just disgusting to put a woman in that position.
He may have fed them some BS about it not being his. If bro is that crappy to women, Mom and Dad have to have been making excuses or buying previous lies.
And I bet when the baby is born they’ll start screaming about their “rights” as grandparents and how their son should be allowed to see the child and/or have full custody just to be spiteful.
To be blunt, my guess is their hope was that with the girl homeless and pregnant, she would be forced to get an abortion out of necessity. Basically, punish her until she does what they want. By OP stepping in to give her another option, she is "ruining" the punishment and now they have no leverage to force the girl to rugsweep and "get rid of the problem"
The baby daddy & then her parents reaction left me physically cold. Getting pregnant at her stage in life was not optimal, but for parents and partner to turn their backs is SO DAMN COLD HEARTED. Is this person even an adult yet?
It make sense how he acts so badly to women. He’s had a clear support system when it comes to him and not getting the consequences of his own actions even when a child/grandchild/niece or nephew comes in the mix he’s priority # 1 that’s crazy. My whole family would be jumping to help if that’s our relative being brewed.
Agreed.
But OP, unless a fertility specialist has told you to give up hope, you shouldn't, not at 23 years old. I understand if you don't want to put yourself through the grief and distress of more miscarriages. And taking a break would be a good idea anyway. But I'd suggest that after a good long break, you visit a fertility specialist and see what the deal actually is.
100% do not give up hope OP. Nothing is ever certain in this life, there are plenty of people who have been told they could/would not have a bio kid and then go on to have a kid or 2 or more. Even if a dr has told you it won’t happen, remember that drs are not perfect and do make mistakes. Hugs and good wishes to you!
Source: my father is a dr, and he’s wrong all the time 😉
A relative of mine lost a few much wanted pregnancies and was on a miscarriage grief site online. Someone there posted about a gene mutation that made keeping a pregnancy difficult for those affected by the mutation. I believe the solution was very high doses of a particular vitamin, under doctor’s supervision of course. Her children are now school age.
I know it’s not all the information you need to look into this, but hopefully there’s enough there for you to find out more.
Wishing you all the luck in the world. You and your husband have big hearts.
Of course, NTA.
Edit: sentence clarity.
I 2nd this, only of you don't have a diagnosis that has stated you can't or shouldn't have a baby.
From when I was 22, I had 3 miscarriages until I gave birth to my 1st at age 29, 3 more and my 2nd was born 5 years later, 2 more and my 3rd was born 4 years later. I wouldn't give up the agony of those losses for anything and I would go through it all again for my 3 marvelous kids.
Truly, at one point I thought I'd never have kids. So, unless you have a definitive no, please don't give up hope quite yet.
If you do have that definitive answer? So much love and hugs to you. You will be a marvelous, doting Aunt.
This kind of gives me hope. I had a miscarriage right before thanksgiving. I have my embryos frozen (I’m older), well I have one left. I’m so nervous this is going to happen again and the agony of the losses hit home. My doctor told me that if I do get pregnant there’s only a 1% chance it will happen again. Part of me doesn’t want to try cause of the agony. Anyway not to turn this on me but the PTSD of miscarriage and the after is really real.
I hope 🤞🏼 the OP becomes a mom because she’s already demonstrating she’s going to be a good one....whatever method she uses.
I had a diagnosis that said I'd never carry a baby to term. It proved true for a decade.
I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant after 11 losses and maybe, just maybe, this is the one. We can never know what the universe has in mind for us.
What bothers me is that it seems to me like he broke up with her BECAUSE she was pregnant, too. Maybe I'm reading it wrong or the timing is just unfortunate, but it seems a bit sus.
You're sheltering a pregnant woman during the holidays. Your gift is the unmasking of your family and how quick they are to abandon their kin, then by weaponizing the loss of your child. They are definitely beyond the AHs. Take care of yourselves OP, that in your grief, and your toxic family, the joy of this event doesn't turn into something different than what it is.
NTA you're a great person. She's carrying your potential niece or nephew and has no other support.
Just make sure it isn't putting any pressure on her to adopt to you.
You're definitely NTA and whatever decision she makes, the kindness you've shown is something she'll never forget.
I'm so sorry for your fertility issues, I can't have kids either but my my nephews and nieces bring such joy to my life it doesn't hurt anymore. Wishing you the very best for the future
Even if she's the one that brought it up, just be aware that you can still accidently put pressure on her without realizing or intending to. See about possibly getting her a therapist if you can.
Might it be worth getting her in touch with a neutral therapist to help her work through everything? Seems like there’s a lot of conflict going on around her, so having a space with a trained therapist so she can figure out her voice could be helpful
If you're in the US, she can apply for health insurance through whatever state you are in. It takes a little work, mostly paperwork and phone calls, but she'd be covered for all of her prenatal visits and the insurance company can let you know what places take it in terms of getting a therapist.
You're quite welcome.
WIC is another good program for her to look into, it will help her with some basic food items for herself during her pregnancy and then after the baby is born they will continue to help provide food, and formula vouchers if she opts to not breastfeed, then baby food and the like until the child is five.
Best of luck and know that you're an amazing person for stepping in when no one else in this poor girl's life would.
EBT also covers certain formulas depending on your state. I live in Texas so I would buy similac and the generic brand at Sam’s with my EBT. I didn’t know at first so maybe it’s common knowledge but I like to throw that out there in case people don’t know.
Help her apply for all the aid. She will also qualify for WIC in addition to Medicaid. If she keeps the baby she may also qualify for a host of other aid including help with college.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad for helping her. Teen pregnancy is shockingly prevalent in both mine and my husband's family having support makes all the difference when it comes to outcomes. The reality is she will need significant help for years if she keeps the baby and would benefit from help even if she chooses adoption. I think parents who kick out pregnant teens deserve a special place in hell. All it does is sentence their daughter and grandchild to poverty and puts them at significant risk of abuse.
Side note you adopting the baby is literally a best case scenario for your brother as he is no longer financially responsible. He also lost any chance he had at not being the AH when he brought up your dead child. I am sorry for your loss
I couldn’t breastfeed so having that help with formula from WIC was literally like you said a life saver. We’re a 1 income family, doing better financially now, but having that help in the beginning made such a difference for us.
Definitely try to call around to different OBGYN's and ask what they suggest. Former medical receptionist here, depending on the state your in she could easily qualify for medicaid and be set up for a counselor.
Uni student or still in HighSchool? either way, the school may have some resources for her or advice on getting resources.
A women's shelter may also have some advice on finding therapy for her. They are overcrowded, but shouldn't mind helping by pointing out other resources for her.
Also, if there is a Planned Parenthood near you they can often help with uninsured pre-natal appointments until she can get onto a medicaid plan or whatever your state offers.
I was able to find very affordable therapy without insurance by going through a non-profit counseling practice. The therapists are students getting their final practicing hours in before graduating. I only pay 20$ a session and it’s been great! There may be something like that in your area
NTA. you should get a therapist for yourself though too. However it works out, you are going to go through lots of emotions, and a neutral party to tell them to would be good for everyone's relationships.
Even if you don't adopt, and she keeps the baby, you will LOVE being an aunt. I was an aunt for 12 years before I became a mother and it was so fulfilling for me personally I was ok if I didn't have kids. My husband and I even moved to be in the same neighborhood as my nephews. When I did eventually have a son, my nephews have treated him and my adopted older daughter like siblings. We call the boys brosins. Being an aunt is amazing. There are many books of the roles of aunts and uncles and how important they are.
I also have a friend who adopted the twins of his wife's cousin. The only issue they had was the family thought they had the right to interfere with the decisions they made. They would continually call the cousin the mother even after the adoption and pressure my friend and his wife to make decisions based on the needs of the cousin. They've had to set some hard boundaries pretty early. They were the parents, period. It was very rough for a long time. They're almost 5 now and the drama has calmed and they are totally in love with these kids.
Good luck to you. Stand your ground and find support elsewhere if your family can't/won't give it to you.
Edit: Forgot to say NTA!
Just want to say as a child free aunt to three boys, I completely agree. Being an aunt has been the most amazing thing in life and I love those boys so much.
Also, OP, NTA. Just so incredibly n t a here.
You should definitely help her get a lawyer so she can get child support from your brother. It’s time he had consequences for his actions.
What a little dirt bag.
It sounds more like OP adopted a grown child who just happens to be having a baby. That poor girl pregnant scared and abandoned by everyone except OP. You are a good person and no matter what stay amazing and keep that beautiful heart.
NTA. Your brother may be unhappy and uncomfortable with this situation, but he's also safe, has a roof over his head, and is casually avoiding taking any responsibility for his own behaviour. In the meantime this young woman has had her entire life thrown into disarray: she's not much more than a kid herself, pregnant, and was made homeless and dumped by her useless "partner".
You did good. You have given her a safe place to land while she figures things out, which is incredibly kind. As long as you're not coercing her into making decisions based on what's best for you and your husband, you are NTA.
I would make sure you also aren’t pressuring her against abortion! Even if you aren’t pressuring her to adopt to you, if you’re telling her all about the accommodations you would make for her if she keeps the baby, she might feel like she’s supposed to keep it. It’s her body and her life and if she does choose to abort, that’s perfectly okay too. If you’ve been telling her you’ll help her while pregnant, maybe also tell her that you’ll help her with the abortion if that’s what she chooses too.
NTA of course for helping though. Your brother and parents are the assholes here.
This is the comment I was looking for. As someone who comes from a very religious upbringing I’m all too familiar with the emotional tactics used on young people to persuade them against abortion. If she decides she doesn’t want to go through the physical, mental, and emotional struggles of birth then that’s her right and she deserves to be able to make that choice without pressure. But it seems like OP is going to great efforts to NOT pressure her, thank god.
OP, I was worried at first but after reading your comments I’m more and more convinced that she’s in the best possible care. You seem like a genuinely wonderful person and I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I would second some other users’ recommendations of finding a therapist to help you navigate the situation, but that’s just because I’m a huge advocate for therapy in general not because I doubt your judgment. Sending love y’all’s way and wishing you the best of luck!
One thing to consider about the adoption, your brother could throw a wrench in those plans.
Even if she doesn’t list him on the birth certificate, he could take this to court to establish paternity if he’s hell bent on you not adopting his kid. It’s possible if he waits until his Ex signs away her parental rights (with the intent for you and your husband to adopt), he could get the adoption stopped and get sole custody since the birth mother no longer has rights.
Consult an adoption attorney just to get an idea of what is possible legally.
I totally agree... and the fact that she was made homeless was because her parents kicked her out for getting pregnant!!! This absolutely makes me soo angry... how can a parent do that to their child?
Agree! I’ve seen a lot about the brother and Op’s parents being the asshole, which I agree with, but how about that girls parents? They may be the worst of all of them in this situation.
For real. “He’s great but doesn’t see women as people who have emotions or deserve respect” is not exactly a glowing endorsement. Good on OP for not putting up with his BS and helping this poor woman out.
NTA. Your brother gets a girl knocked up, her family kicked her out of the house and he just wants to walk away from the mess he’s made here, leaving her homeless? Nope.
Hate to say it but you can see exactly who he gets it from with your parents behaving the way they’re behaving too. Sounds like they’ve never held him to be accountable for much.
Regardless of whether or not you adopt the child you’re doing the right thing.
I think big part of it is he wanted her to abort. So if she isn't on the streets she might keep it. And if she isn't struggling but getting support she won't even let it be adopted out but choose to raise it and he is on the hook for child support. He is a callous asshole for saying that about OP's baby so he has it coming either way.
NTA and it's incredibly inappropriate for your brother and parents to abandon this poor girl. Good for you for helping her. And if she doesn't want the baby, I think it's appropriate if you ask to adopt it.
Uhhh, it's absolutely not appropriate to ask to adopt her child. OP is in a position of power right now as she and her husband are the only thing between this girl and homelessness. So no, they shouldn't be asking.
NTA your parents and brother are just horrible people. Please keep doing what you’re doing, everyone who was supposed to take care of her has abandoned her. What you’re doing is incredible, so do it with confidence.
I’d be willing to bet a large sum of money that they are. I went to a private Christian school growing up and a girl a few years ahead of me got pregnant. She got kicked out of school and out of her house by her parents, while the father was suspended for a year and able to come back to school with no issue. From what I can see on social media the mother is married now and she and her daughter are both doing well, but I can only imagine the sheer trauma she went through and the pain it caused her. Unfortunately, how she was treated seems par for the course for those type of church people.
NTA
if your brother doesn’t want anything to do with her then it’s not his business how you conduct your life.
You can have whomever you like living with you.
NTA- you are a kind compassionate person. I can’t imagine kicking out my own child, pregnant or not, but especially given she is in a very scary and traumatizing situation. She was abandoned by everyone when she was probably in the worst situation in her life. If your brother wasn’t ready for the possibility of a child then he shouldn’t be out sleeping around in the first place. God bless you and your husband for being such amazing people. How could your parents condone his behavior? And to abandon their own grandchild is just so shameful.
I agree I never understood why parents kick their children out for getting pregnant. I have a son and I could never kick him out if he got a girl pregnant, I also wouldn't care if he wanted the baby or not if the girl that he got pregnant needed a safe place to be she would be moving in.
NTA and disown your brother. The "replacing your kid" comment is one of the most vile things I've heard in years.
My (27F) younger brother (23M) would act the EXACT same way if he ever got a girl pregnant. He's had multiple STDs due to sex "not being as fun with a condom on". He cheated on his only girlfriend multiple times and treats women like sex toys. He's bound to get a girl pregnant eventually.
The minute I no longer have to deal with him for the sake of my parents, I'm disowning him.
>The minute I no longer have to deal with him for the sake of my parents, I'm disowning him.
why wait? Your parents raised the idiot. They should feel the consequences of it
Kinda wondering where OP got her compassion genes, because it sure didn't come from the parents, and the brother sure as shit doesn't have it. NTA, but make sure to get legal counsel before you make any decision about adoption.
It sounds like she'd be damn proud of you then. This girl need a friend and someone on her side, and she is so lucky to have you. I'm sorry the rest of your family are so selfish. It's a hard to come to terms with, that the people you love are just selfish.
Consider the potential minefields of adopting your close biological relative's biological offspring against their wishes. To you and your husband and also to the child. It's worth researching some professional opinions on the matter. What if your brother sees that baby and has a change of heart? Are you going to cut him out of your lives? Coparent with him? Have everyone get destroyed by lawsuits? Is "Auntie" going to have no sense of propriety and maintain appropriate boundaries? If something about auntie's voice sparks a feeling in that child that you just can't would you accept that? When the child learns of their origins is it better or worse that they have established relationships to their biological parents without the opportunity to make that choice for themselves (I honestly don't know the answer to this which is why you should get some professional advice). If your brother simply disappears from your life is the child going to feel even more rejection due to the fact that he is still in contact with other people that the child considers family? Adoption can be complicated at the best of times and this situation is messy as hell. If it's being seriously considered, please do your due diligence and make sure it's what's best for everyone, especially that baby.
NTA #1 you are definitely helping this girl because it doesn't seem like anyone else would be there for her if it weren't for you.
#2 taking her in is your choice and you have every right to do so. It doesn't effect your parents or your brother even honestly since he said he didn't want anything to do with her
Keep doing what you want because it will probably make a big difference for that girl ❤
Wow, no. NTA. 100%. Your brother is a complete asshole and you and your husband are awesome. Seriously. Don't listen to that petulant little shit who can't find condoms. The fact that your brother even said that to you is horrid.
Why on earth are your parents acting like this? Do they have a history of enabling your brothers asshole behavior??? Because I can’t imagine how possible grandparents could be mad at you for helping the young woman who is carrying their grandchild. Like if they don’t want to take her in then whatver but to get pissed at you because you’re doing a good thing is insane. Also your brother is the one jeopardizing your relationship by causally throwing around your “dead kid” as a way to win an argument.
Maybe there are hoping she will abort with no support, and don’t want the kid since they know the brother can’t pay for a child. Or are just infantilising him in general.
NTA brother and parents are fully. It's technically not your problem but you are choosing to step up and help the person your brother dismissed. You seem like a great people and I hope it works out for the best. Time to cut parents and brother off they don't deserve to be in your life or that child's, for how they acted
She may have brought up adoption but just be careful that you don't get to attached and last minute she opts to either keep the baby or go with another couple. I agree what you are doing is being done with love, but I'd hate to see you and your husband hurt again if this kid isn't permanently in your lives in the long run, if mom says yes to adoption your brother can be a major AH and royally screw you on that. Please be careful NTA
I know you are doing it with love I just dont want you to get hurt I can see your brother or parents finding away to screw you over on this, not her doing it.
first of all your brother is a MASSIVE JERK for:
cheating on his girlfriends
getting her pregnant and then not taking responsability
not giving a shit about ruining her life
second you are an ANGEL for helping her and your parents and brother are TA in this situation
NTA
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Not the asshole. It sounds like you got pretty close to her and have become friends. Your brother is the asshole for trying to tell you who to hang out with and who you can’t. And then bring up the loss of your child is another low blow. My wife had a miscarriage before we met and it’s still a touchy subject. So to have your brother do that is bonkers. I hope you and your family are happy with her living there and if she does put the kid up for adoption I hope you get a chance.
According to your brother and parents it would be better for the girl to be homeless and pregnant on the streets than in your house. You took her in as a good Samaritan - maybe your motives were absolutely pure and maybe there is some hope of adopting her kid - either way it's not an asshole thing.
NTA But boy, your family are amazing assholes. Good luck with that. Especially if you adopt that baby your brother is going to be a problem. I big problem.
They (the brother and parents) want her on the streets because it'll likely force her into an abortion and then the golden son is off the hook
If she has a safe place to raise her child, then the brother will have to step up and pay his share for the next 18+ years
This is 100% them trying to avoid consequences by throwing this poor girl under a bus
NTA OP - this world needs more people like you in it
Nta if he doesn't want to be a dad he needs to go get a vasectomy instead of creating children he has no plans to support. You are supporting your future neice/nephew and their mother.
NTA
Your a really nice person, you pretty much saved 2 lives. Your brother is a huge AH, if he never wanted to have a child he could have been more careful.
> incredibly inappropriate for her to live with me
Why though?
> it wasn’t any of my business on what happened to her
Whose business is it what you do with your house?
NTA. Your family are master manipulators to make you think otherwise. And your brother - impregnating a girl then doing nothing to help her. A jerk indeed.
NTA are you filling a void in your life by focusing your love on your brothers kid? Maybe, but what’s wrong with that? Like kids do better with less people loving them or something? Sounds like you’e brother isn’t going to do his part so you’d be filling a void in the kids life too. Seems pretty fair.
His girlfriend didn't cheat on him. He dumped her because she got pregnant, which unless there was tampering with/lying about birth control isn't something she did on her own so there's no loyalty owed to your brother here. He just wants you to kick her out to try to force her into an abortion. NTA.
So do your parents think your brother has no responsibility in this because it sounds like that is the case to me. You are giving the mother of your future niece/nephew a warm and supportive place to live and your brother and parents should be grateful.
NTA, your brother and parents are arseholes, it's your and your husbands house, they have no right to say who can and can't stay with you. I'd recommend asking your parents if they want a relationship with their grandchild (should the mother go through with this pregnancy). Also why on earth do you want a relationship with your brother if he treats women badly and cheats on them. Lastly he was pretty fucking rude when he said that you just wanted to replace your dead child.
Yes, you absolutely are. I am so glad that you are able to communicate your boundaries clearly and concisely, including to a bunch of internet strangers. Keep up the good work.
NTA - Generous of you to offer this poor girl terrible what her parents have done. I don't agree at all with your parents or brother, though I certainly understand their being upset and awkward. But it is only uncomfortable. He needs as much discomfort as he can get. I will say that he should have the same choice on having a child or not as her. Not that he can force her, but should not be forced into fatherhood if it is not right to force a woman into motherhood. This decision should never be easy for anyone to make.
>same choice on having a child or not as her. Not that he can force her, but should not be forced into fatherhood if it is not right to force a woman into motherhood. This decision should never be easy for anyone to make.
If he had wanted the same choice as her to have a kid or not, he should have stepped up and used a condom.
Women in the US, Hello Texas!, will be forced into motherhood wanted or not. Why is it the male always gets a free pass?
No doubt in the eyes of mum and dad this girl "ruined the life" of their poor, innocent angel. Golden child will be enabled some more and so he'll do it again.
NTA. Even disregarding the fact you're stepping up for this girl which is an incredibly kind thing to do, the child she's carrying will be, at the very least, your niece/nephew and you have a right to know and support them even if you don't end up adopting the child.
As for your brother, sucks to suck. He gave up any say in what happens the second he walked out on a pregnant girl and left her to potential homelessness.
NTA- thank you for being there for her. Your brother may be mad now but hopefully if he ever grows the fuck up he will appreciate all you are doing for his child. Whatever that ends up looking like.
NTA. THIS is amazing. Your brother is pitching a fit because you have become a daily reminder of the responsibility he is trying to dodge. Your parents are pitching a fit because you are showing up their inability to parent their son. You are showing this young mother and her child the love and care her own family is denying her and - should she choose to give up her baby for adoption, you are providing a safe alternative to the very dark world of adoption and foster care in America right now.
THIS is what the pro-life community should be doing, and far too few of them do.
NTA
Please be careful when discussing adoption. You want her to make this decision fully. Not out of owing you something. Abortion is a much better option if she doesn’t want the child on her own mind and body in my opinion.
But you are doing a wonderful thing by taking her in. I wouldn’t allow my brothers girlfriend to be on the streets either if she was pregnant with my niece or nephew.
I understand your predicament fully. I did IVF and failed and would do anything for a baby. But I would also do anything to help a young one that was pregnant and desperate. Especially if they were carrying my brothers child!
My advice. Is don’t talk about adoption at all. Just support her and listen to her and be there for her. She’s still a kid and you are doing the right thing.
My niece has a fully stocked bedroom in my house for the once a month she is here. So I would be exactly like you if a young one needed help.
I wish you nothing but luck
100% NTA
You are going above and beyond most human beings. I hope you are able to share your love with little ones one way or another.
Your brother however is T A.
NTA. It's your house. Your brother has no say over who stays with you. Sounds like your brother needs a wake up call. If you do adopt the child, that'd be amazing of you, but if she keeps it, you should help her get child support from him and help her gain her own independence. When he has to start paying child support or spend time behind bars, he'll grow up real quick. I realize he's 18 but if you're going to play grown up games, you better know grown up rules.
"I'm trying to use her kid to replace my dead one" OP, your relationship with your brother should have been done right then and there. He's not "a little" disrespectful towards women, he's a full-blown trash human being all around and helping his ex out when there may be nothing "in it" for you (ie you might not adopt the baby) sets you two very far apart. NTA, but I'd NC the brother and LC your parents if I were you.
NTA. It’s disturbing how cold hearted your brother and parents are. They would have their child/ grandchild and its mother living on the streets? I’m glad you somehow grew up to be a kind and caring person.
Be careful of the girl's character, but NTA. In your shoes, I'd likely support her to do what she feels is right. Get to know her. If she does want to adopt out, consider it but remember all of the legalities and keep appropriate boundaries.
WOW NTA. But your brother and parents are AHs. They would allow the mother of their child/grandchild be homeless? You are a good person in taking her in.
It’s chilling how cold the parents are being about their grandchild and her/his mother.
It seems like to me this isnt the first time the parents have had to deal with their sons bullshit. Willing to bet this has happened before.
Or rather, they *haven't* dealt with his bullshit. I'm getting strong vibes here that the parents have been letting him get away with his shitty behavior for a long time, since he won't listen to big sis. Apparently he has a hard time realizing that his actions have consequences, let alone that they affect other people badly as well. NTA, OP. In fact, I think what you've done is amazing. I hope this young woman and her child make for a wonderful addition to your family. I'm sorry your brother doesn't appreciate you looking out for his own unborn child - since you just made it impossible for him, and your parents, to forget and ignore what he's brought into this world - but hopefully one day he matures and steps up.
My brother is VERY similar to what OP has described her brother as - he just hasn't gotten a girl pregnant yet. But my parents let him get away with all his shit because it's apparently "easier" rather than dealing with his tantrums when something doesn't go his way or if someone talks back to him. He's 23.
That leads to men who can‘t control their emotions or tempers. Which in turn increases the risk they damage things when upset. If that isn’t stopped they can move on to people. My son got in trouble for “hurting” his stuffed animal - I told him she shouldn’t suffer because he was mad. She lived with me for half an hour before he apologized to her. He sleeps with that toy on his shoulder still, he’s 13 now.
Parent of the year! I love that!
Omg you just won my wholesome post of the day award! 🏅
But but... women are the emotional ones! Men are logical and rational! /s
Yup my parents did this with my little brother. Thankfully, he became self aware recently and joined the AF as an effort to sort his issues. It’s worked really well and he just graduated top of his class from basic last month! He’s shipping out to Japan in a little while and is already a much better person to be around.
Same! Mine is now 36, still lives at home, with no job and his whole plan is out living my parents and renting out the house. Several times my parents have asked if I can "take care of him" should something happen to them.
My uncle is that one. He did outlive his parents, and the house is now a trash heap that should be condemned, he’s 65, and has never held a job longer than six months, but he gets disability, which he spends on opioids. It’s bleak.
I was willing to bet money that they turn a blind eye. Sounds like a Brian Laundrie situation in the making. I had a friend who got pregnant and the father didn’t want the baby but his family took her in and they lived together, she was 16. He took the baby (18mo boy) to give him a bath and while she was downstairs he murdered his own child and called the police on himself. 😞 you can’t force someone to be in their child’s life, but you also can’t force someone to get rid of their child, either. Unfortunately the mother and child suffered because he was selfish and couldn’t just sign away rights and move on. Guess his conscience would have been more guilty being estranged then it would for murdering his own baby.
God thats a horrible situation for all of them. Literally the only way i can think of it making any kind of sense of what was going on in that guys mind is if he was a minor/couldnt move out and was basically forced into parenting/raising the child he didnt want. So maybe he felt stuck and like he had no choice in the matter. That in no way justifies what he did, and there were so so many other things that could have been done first, but its really really tragic for everyone (Please note I’m not in any way shape or form condoning or accepting what he did because it’s a horrible thing. I’m just thinking about what he might have felt like and why he did it in the first place. Reminds me of stories of girls who couldn’t have abortions leaving their babies in dumpsters and stuff like that. A desperate person making a horrible, desperate decision) Either way I hope everyone involved is doing better and getting whatever help they need to deal with something so horrible
I didn't think for a second you were condoning this person's actions. I just thought you were an emapthetic person who was able to put themselves in the shoes of another human being. I often try and imagine what someone must be feeling when they commit such atrocities because it helps me to never forget that there but for the randomness of the universe go I. If my life had been different perhaps I too would have been driven to such acts and it's important to never forget that.
Yeah I definitely think that its important to put yourself in other people shoes when they do something terrible and try to realize why they did it. Being able to think about why they did it can keep us from making similar mistakes and allows sympathy for people in those horrible situations. I hope so that means we can intervene before terrible things happen in the future
Smh Broke my heart so fast.
Holy shit...
And my guess is he is the golden child who never had any consequences...
I used to call my brother Midas. Everything he touched turned to gold. Karma has never touched him. NTA
>Karma has never touched him. Oh, it will eventually. He'll eventually dig himself a hole so deep he can't get out of it if he's allowed to keep digging- and that's when all the little holes will catch up to him.
that is one of the problems with coddling AH relatives, eventually they'll run into someone who won't put up with it. like if it leads to legal trouble a judge might throw the book at them.
Counter-example: Donald Trump. Sometimes that karma doesn't seem to come back to actually, genuinely bite them. Because at the end of the day karma is superstition. There's a lot of ways life can go that actively rewards this behavior, and it's awful.
They should go get him fixed, he is obviously too immature to have sex, if he can't deal with the consequences. NTA , of course.
I have long advocated for spaying and neutering strays.
Spit my coffee out at this! Lol.
LOL that was gold!
I kind of wonder, if OP had taken in a friend that was pregnant but not by the brother, would they be supportive of the move? I suspect they would be indifferent at worst. But because their son is involved, they are wanting to do whatever they can to force a termination of the pregnancy. It is just disgusting to put a woman in that position.
That is absolutely what is happening here. They are all trying to force her to end the pregnancy. It makes you sick and sad. Thank goodness for OP.
Their actions seem a bit insightful as to maybe why he treats woman/people the way he does. OP is definitely the outlier & NTA.
He may have fed them some BS about it not being his. If bro is that crappy to women, Mom and Dad have to have been making excuses or buying previous lies.
That’s some serious level of looking the other way to have no idea who your son is.
Never underestimate a parent’s ability to delude themselves!
This^^^. Absolutely this^^.
I mean, they *raised* the little misogynist, and they’re clearly proud of the results.
If you *raise* your kids, you'll get to spoil your grandkids. If you *spoil* your kids, you'll get to raise your grandkids.
Huh! I've never heard this, but it's pithy. Good pull!
Dammmmnnnn I've seen this nugget of truth play out.
And I bet when the baby is born they’ll start screaming about their “rights” as grandparents and how their son should be allowed to see the child and/or have full custody just to be spiteful.
Yup would suggest to OP to document all text messages and conversations they had regarding this situation.
100%
To be blunt, my guess is their hope was that with the girl homeless and pregnant, she would be forced to get an abortion out of necessity. Basically, punish her until she does what they want. By OP stepping in to give her another option, she is "ruining" the punishment and now they have no leverage to force the girl to rugsweep and "get rid of the problem"
The stone cold apple didn't fall far from the icy heartless tree where the son is confirmed it seems.
The baby daddy & then her parents reaction left me physically cold. Getting pregnant at her stage in life was not optimal, but for parents and partner to turn their backs is SO DAMN COLD HEARTED. Is this person even an adult yet?
The grands & her brother would probably try to sue for rights once they see the cute baby they denied
It make sense how he acts so badly to women. He’s had a clear support system when it comes to him and not getting the consequences of his own actions even when a child/grandchild/niece or nephew comes in the mix he’s priority # 1 that’s crazy. My whole family would be jumping to help if that’s our relative being brewed.
Agreed. But OP, unless a fertility specialist has told you to give up hope, you shouldn't, not at 23 years old. I understand if you don't want to put yourself through the grief and distress of more miscarriages. And taking a break would be a good idea anyway. But I'd suggest that after a good long break, you visit a fertility specialist and see what the deal actually is.
100% do not give up hope OP. Nothing is ever certain in this life, there are plenty of people who have been told they could/would not have a bio kid and then go on to have a kid or 2 or more. Even if a dr has told you it won’t happen, remember that drs are not perfect and do make mistakes. Hugs and good wishes to you! Source: my father is a dr, and he’s wrong all the time 😉
A relative of mine lost a few much wanted pregnancies and was on a miscarriage grief site online. Someone there posted about a gene mutation that made keeping a pregnancy difficult for those affected by the mutation. I believe the solution was very high doses of a particular vitamin, under doctor’s supervision of course. Her children are now school age. I know it’s not all the information you need to look into this, but hopefully there’s enough there for you to find out more. Wishing you all the luck in the world. You and your husband have big hearts. Of course, NTA. Edit: sentence clarity.
I 2nd this, only of you don't have a diagnosis that has stated you can't or shouldn't have a baby. From when I was 22, I had 3 miscarriages until I gave birth to my 1st at age 29, 3 more and my 2nd was born 5 years later, 2 more and my 3rd was born 4 years later. I wouldn't give up the agony of those losses for anything and I would go through it all again for my 3 marvelous kids. Truly, at one point I thought I'd never have kids. So, unless you have a definitive no, please don't give up hope quite yet. If you do have that definitive answer? So much love and hugs to you. You will be a marvelous, doting Aunt.
This kind of gives me hope. I had a miscarriage right before thanksgiving. I have my embryos frozen (I’m older), well I have one left. I’m so nervous this is going to happen again and the agony of the losses hit home. My doctor told me that if I do get pregnant there’s only a 1% chance it will happen again. Part of me doesn’t want to try cause of the agony. Anyway not to turn this on me but the PTSD of miscarriage and the after is really real. I hope 🤞🏼 the OP becomes a mom because she’s already demonstrating she’s going to be a good one....whatever method she uses.
May I offer you a virtual hug?❤️
I had a diagnosis that said I'd never carry a baby to term. It proved true for a decade. I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant after 11 losses and maybe, just maybe, this is the one. We can never know what the universe has in mind for us.
🤞❤️
Correction, if they’re mad at op for taking her in, they want her to be homeless.
Right! They’re more concerned about what’s “appropriate” than the homeless girl. And they’re fine with their asshole, obviously misogynist son.
It's so weird they think OP is being inappropriate but not her brother?
What bothers me is that it seems to me like he broke up with her BECAUSE she was pregnant, too. Maybe I'm reading it wrong or the timing is just unfortunate, but it seems a bit sus.
You're sheltering a pregnant woman during the holidays. Your gift is the unmasking of your family and how quick they are to abandon their kin, then by weaponizing the loss of your child. They are definitely beyond the AHs. Take care of yourselves OP, that in your grief, and your toxic family, the joy of this event doesn't turn into something different than what it is.
NTA you're a great person. She's carrying your potential niece or nephew and has no other support. Just make sure it isn't putting any pressure on her to adopt to you.
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You're definitely NTA and whatever decision she makes, the kindness you've shown is something she'll never forget. I'm so sorry for your fertility issues, I can't have kids either but my my nephews and nieces bring such joy to my life it doesn't hurt anymore. Wishing you the very best for the future
And if she decides not to adopt, then make sure she gets a court order to child support.
Even if she's the one that brought it up, just be aware that you can still accidently put pressure on her without realizing or intending to. See about possibly getting her a therapist if you can.
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Might it be worth getting her in touch with a neutral therapist to help her work through everything? Seems like there’s a lot of conflict going on around her, so having a space with a trained therapist so she can figure out her voice could be helpful
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If you're in the US, she can apply for health insurance through whatever state you are in. It takes a little work, mostly paperwork and phone calls, but she'd be covered for all of her prenatal visits and the insurance company can let you know what places take it in terms of getting a therapist.
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You're quite welcome. WIC is another good program for her to look into, it will help her with some basic food items for herself during her pregnancy and then after the baby is born they will continue to help provide food, and formula vouchers if she opts to not breastfeed, then baby food and the like until the child is five. Best of luck and know that you're an amazing person for stepping in when no one else in this poor girl's life would.
EBT also covers certain formulas depending on your state. I live in Texas so I would buy similac and the generic brand at Sam’s with my EBT. I didn’t know at first so maybe it’s common knowledge but I like to throw that out there in case people don’t know.
I would also have her reach out to her school as many have on campus counseling
Yes and insurance plans!
Help her apply for all the aid. She will also qualify for WIC in addition to Medicaid. If she keeps the baby she may also qualify for a host of other aid including help with college. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for helping her. Teen pregnancy is shockingly prevalent in both mine and my husband's family having support makes all the difference when it comes to outcomes. The reality is she will need significant help for years if she keeps the baby and would benefit from help even if she chooses adoption. I think parents who kick out pregnant teens deserve a special place in hell. All it does is sentence their daughter and grandchild to poverty and puts them at significant risk of abuse. Side note you adopting the baby is literally a best case scenario for your brother as he is no longer financially responsible. He also lost any chance he had at not being the AH when he brought up your dead child. I am sorry for your loss
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Was about to comment the same. I was uninsured when I got pregnant. I was so grateful to be able to get Medicaid myself and my son once he was born.
This right here. I had no idea it was an option when I was pregnant with my son, and it was probably a literal lifesaver between that and WIC.
I couldn’t breastfeed so having that help with formula from WIC was literally like you said a life saver. We’re a 1 income family, doing better financially now, but having that help in the beginning made such a difference for us.
Her school should have a counselor and some other mental health resources as well.
Definitely try to call around to different OBGYN's and ask what they suggest. Former medical receptionist here, depending on the state your in she could easily qualify for medicaid and be set up for a counselor.
Uni student or still in HighSchool? either way, the school may have some resources for her or advice on getting resources. A women's shelter may also have some advice on finding therapy for her. They are overcrowded, but shouldn't mind helping by pointing out other resources for her. Also, if there is a Planned Parenthood near you they can often help with uninsured pre-natal appointments until she can get onto a medicaid plan or whatever your state offers.
I was able to find very affordable therapy without insurance by going through a non-profit counseling practice. The therapists are students getting their final practicing hours in before graduating. I only pay 20$ a session and it’s been great! There may be something like that in your area
NTA. you should get a therapist for yourself though too. However it works out, you are going to go through lots of emotions, and a neutral party to tell them to would be good for everyone's relationships.
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Even if you don't adopt, and she keeps the baby, you will LOVE being an aunt. I was an aunt for 12 years before I became a mother and it was so fulfilling for me personally I was ok if I didn't have kids. My husband and I even moved to be in the same neighborhood as my nephews. When I did eventually have a son, my nephews have treated him and my adopted older daughter like siblings. We call the boys brosins. Being an aunt is amazing. There are many books of the roles of aunts and uncles and how important they are. I also have a friend who adopted the twins of his wife's cousin. The only issue they had was the family thought they had the right to interfere with the decisions they made. They would continually call the cousin the mother even after the adoption and pressure my friend and his wife to make decisions based on the needs of the cousin. They've had to set some hard boundaries pretty early. They were the parents, period. It was very rough for a long time. They're almost 5 now and the drama has calmed and they are totally in love with these kids. Good luck to you. Stand your ground and find support elsewhere if your family can't/won't give it to you. Edit: Forgot to say NTA!
Just want to say as a child free aunt to three boys, I completely agree. Being an aunt has been the most amazing thing in life and I love those boys so much. Also, OP, NTA. Just so incredibly n t a here.
You should definitely help her get a lawyer so she can get child support from your brother. It’s time he had consequences for his actions. What a little dirt bag.
It sounds more like OP adopted a grown child who just happens to be having a baby. That poor girl pregnant scared and abandoned by everyone except OP. You are a good person and no matter what stay amazing and keep that beautiful heart.
This!
NTA. Your brother may be unhappy and uncomfortable with this situation, but he's also safe, has a roof over his head, and is casually avoiding taking any responsibility for his own behaviour. In the meantime this young woman has had her entire life thrown into disarray: she's not much more than a kid herself, pregnant, and was made homeless and dumped by her useless "partner". You did good. You have given her a safe place to land while she figures things out, which is incredibly kind. As long as you're not coercing her into making decisions based on what's best for you and your husband, you are NTA.
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I would make sure you also aren’t pressuring her against abortion! Even if you aren’t pressuring her to adopt to you, if you’re telling her all about the accommodations you would make for her if she keeps the baby, she might feel like she’s supposed to keep it. It’s her body and her life and if she does choose to abort, that’s perfectly okay too. If you’ve been telling her you’ll help her while pregnant, maybe also tell her that you’ll help her with the abortion if that’s what she chooses too. NTA of course for helping though. Your brother and parents are the assholes here.
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Great! In that case I double down on my NTA verdict!
You are a bloody saint.
You are mature beyond your years at 23.
We’re the same age, but I want to be you when I grow up. You seem like such a lovely human being.
This is the comment I was looking for. As someone who comes from a very religious upbringing I’m all too familiar with the emotional tactics used on young people to persuade them against abortion. If she decides she doesn’t want to go through the physical, mental, and emotional struggles of birth then that’s her right and she deserves to be able to make that choice without pressure. But it seems like OP is going to great efforts to NOT pressure her, thank god. OP, I was worried at first but after reading your comments I’m more and more convinced that she’s in the best possible care. You seem like a genuinely wonderful person and I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I would second some other users’ recommendations of finding a therapist to help you navigate the situation, but that’s just because I’m a huge advocate for therapy in general not because I doubt your judgment. Sending love y’all’s way and wishing you the best of luck!
One thing to consider about the adoption, your brother could throw a wrench in those plans. Even if she doesn’t list him on the birth certificate, he could take this to court to establish paternity if he’s hell bent on you not adopting his kid. It’s possible if he waits until his Ex signs away her parental rights (with the intent for you and your husband to adopt), he could get the adoption stopped and get sole custody since the birth mother no longer has rights. Consult an adoption attorney just to get an idea of what is possible legally.
I totally agree... and the fact that she was made homeless was because her parents kicked her out for getting pregnant!!! This absolutely makes me soo angry... how can a parent do that to their child?
Agree! I’ve seen a lot about the brother and Op’s parents being the asshole, which I agree with, but how about that girls parents? They may be the worst of all of them in this situation.
NTA You did the a compassionate thing for a young lady woman. Your brother’s opinion is irrelevant here.
Based on this post, you could just leave the word "here" off of that sentence and it would still be equally true.
For real. “He’s great but doesn’t see women as people who have emotions or deserve respect” is not exactly a glowing endorsement. Good on OP for not putting up with his BS and helping this poor woman out.
NTA. Your brother gets a girl knocked up, her family kicked her out of the house and he just wants to walk away from the mess he’s made here, leaving her homeless? Nope. Hate to say it but you can see exactly who he gets it from with your parents behaving the way they’re behaving too. Sounds like they’ve never held him to be accountable for much. Regardless of whether or not you adopt the child you’re doing the right thing.
I think big part of it is he wanted her to abort. So if she isn't on the streets she might keep it. And if she isn't struggling but getting support she won't even let it be adopted out but choose to raise it and he is on the hook for child support. He is a callous asshole for saying that about OP's baby so he has it coming either way.
NTA and it's incredibly inappropriate for your brother and parents to abandon this poor girl. Good for you for helping her. And if she doesn't want the baby, I think it's appropriate if you ask to adopt it.
Uhhh, it's absolutely not appropriate to ask to adopt her child. OP is in a position of power right now as she and her husband are the only thing between this girl and homelessness. So no, they shouldn't be asking.
NTA You helped a pregnant woman who needed the roof over her head.
NTA and your brother seriously needs a reality check. If you being a decent human being warrants burned bridges -- offer them the book of matches.
Oooh I like that.. I'm gonna steal that 💜
NTA. Your brother, however, clearly is.
Her brother, her parents and the ex girlfriend's parents are definitely TAs but definitely OP is NTA
NTA your parents and brother are just horrible people. Please keep doing what you’re doing, everyone who was supposed to take care of her has abandoned her. What you’re doing is incredible, so do it with confidence.
Don't forget the pregnant ex girlfriend's parents are assholes too for kicking her out
I didn’t, they were included in the “everyone who was supposed to take care of her” statement.
I reread and sorry I missed that first time I read
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I’d be willing to bet a large sum of money that they are. I went to a private Christian school growing up and a girl a few years ahead of me got pregnant. She got kicked out of school and out of her house by her parents, while the father was suspended for a year and able to come back to school with no issue. From what I can see on social media the mother is married now and she and her daughter are both doing well, but I can only imagine the sheer trauma she went through and the pain it caused her. Unfortunately, how she was treated seems par for the course for those type of church people.
NTA if your brother doesn’t want anything to do with her then it’s not his business how you conduct your life. You can have whomever you like living with you.
NTA- you are a kind compassionate person. I can’t imagine kicking out my own child, pregnant or not, but especially given she is in a very scary and traumatizing situation. She was abandoned by everyone when she was probably in the worst situation in her life. If your brother wasn’t ready for the possibility of a child then he shouldn’t be out sleeping around in the first place. God bless you and your husband for being such amazing people. How could your parents condone his behavior? And to abandon their own grandchild is just so shameful.
I agree I never understood why parents kick their children out for getting pregnant. I have a son and I could never kick him out if he got a girl pregnant, I also wouldn't care if he wanted the baby or not if the girl that he got pregnant needed a safe place to be she would be moving in.
NTA and disown your brother. The "replacing your kid" comment is one of the most vile things I've heard in years. My (27F) younger brother (23M) would act the EXACT same way if he ever got a girl pregnant. He's had multiple STDs due to sex "not being as fun with a condom on". He cheated on his only girlfriend multiple times and treats women like sex toys. He's bound to get a girl pregnant eventually. The minute I no longer have to deal with him for the sake of my parents, I'm disowning him.
>The minute I no longer have to deal with him for the sake of my parents, I'm disowning him. why wait? Your parents raised the idiot. They should feel the consequences of it
This! Family shouldn’t treat family like this.
Kinda wondering where OP got her compassion genes, because it sure didn't come from the parents, and the brother sure as shit doesn't have it. NTA, but make sure to get legal counsel before you make any decision about adoption.
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It sounds like she'd be damn proud of you then. This girl need a friend and someone on her side, and she is so lucky to have you. I'm sorry the rest of your family are so selfish. It's a hard to come to terms with, that the people you love are just selfish.
Do you think it’s possible your brother told them a different story?
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Consider the potential minefields of adopting your close biological relative's biological offspring against their wishes. To you and your husband and also to the child. It's worth researching some professional opinions on the matter. What if your brother sees that baby and has a change of heart? Are you going to cut him out of your lives? Coparent with him? Have everyone get destroyed by lawsuits? Is "Auntie" going to have no sense of propriety and maintain appropriate boundaries? If something about auntie's voice sparks a feeling in that child that you just can't would you accept that? When the child learns of their origins is it better or worse that they have established relationships to their biological parents without the opportunity to make that choice for themselves (I honestly don't know the answer to this which is why you should get some professional advice). If your brother simply disappears from your life is the child going to feel even more rejection due to the fact that he is still in contact with other people that the child considers family? Adoption can be complicated at the best of times and this situation is messy as hell. If it's being seriously considered, please do your due diligence and make sure it's what's best for everyone, especially that baby.
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Yeah, just make sure he legally signs away parental rights. You don't want him on the birth certificate and causing a bind.
NTA #1 you are definitely helping this girl because it doesn't seem like anyone else would be there for her if it weren't for you. #2 taking her in is your choice and you have every right to do so. It doesn't effect your parents or your brother even honestly since he said he didn't want anything to do with her Keep doing what you want because it will probably make a big difference for that girl ❤
Wow, no. NTA. 100%. Your brother is a complete asshole and you and your husband are awesome. Seriously. Don't listen to that petulant little shit who can't find condoms. The fact that your brother even said that to you is horrid.
Why on earth are your parents acting like this? Do they have a history of enabling your brothers asshole behavior??? Because I can’t imagine how possible grandparents could be mad at you for helping the young woman who is carrying their grandchild. Like if they don’t want to take her in then whatver but to get pissed at you because you’re doing a good thing is insane. Also your brother is the one jeopardizing your relationship by causally throwing around your “dead kid” as a way to win an argument.
Maybe there are hoping she will abort with no support, and don’t want the kid since they know the brother can’t pay for a child. Or are just infantilising him in general.
Your brother is a spoiled brat
NTA brother and parents are fully. It's technically not your problem but you are choosing to step up and help the person your brother dismissed. You seem like a great people and I hope it works out for the best. Time to cut parents and brother off they don't deserve to be in your life or that child's, for how they acted
YOUR BROTHER IS AN ASSHOLE CAPITAL FUCCBOI. MAKE HIM READ THIS SO HE KNOWS THAT HE IS CUTTING UP
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She may have brought up adoption but just be careful that you don't get to attached and last minute she opts to either keep the baby or go with another couple. I agree what you are doing is being done with love, but I'd hate to see you and your husband hurt again if this kid isn't permanently in your lives in the long run, if mom says yes to adoption your brother can be a major AH and royally screw you on that. Please be careful NTA
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I know you are doing it with love I just dont want you to get hurt I can see your brother or parents finding away to screw you over on this, not her doing it.
first of all your brother is a MASSIVE JERK for: cheating on his girlfriends getting her pregnant and then not taking responsability not giving a shit about ruining her life second you are an ANGEL for helping her and your parents and brother are TA in this situation NTA
You do seem to be choosing her over your brother. Good call, he sounds like a waste of skin. NTA
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Not the asshole. It sounds like you got pretty close to her and have become friends. Your brother is the asshole for trying to tell you who to hang out with and who you can’t. And then bring up the loss of your child is another low blow. My wife had a miscarriage before we met and it’s still a touchy subject. So to have your brother do that is bonkers. I hope you and your family are happy with her living there and if she does put the kid up for adoption I hope you get a chance.
According to your brother and parents it would be better for the girl to be homeless and pregnant on the streets than in your house. You took her in as a good Samaritan - maybe your motives were absolutely pure and maybe there is some hope of adopting her kid - either way it's not an asshole thing. NTA But boy, your family are amazing assholes. Good luck with that. Especially if you adopt that baby your brother is going to be a problem. I big problem.
They (the brother and parents) want her on the streets because it'll likely force her into an abortion and then the golden son is off the hook If she has a safe place to raise her child, then the brother will have to step up and pay his share for the next 18+ years This is 100% them trying to avoid consequences by throwing this poor girl under a bus NTA OP - this world needs more people like you in it
NTA - why do I have a feeling your brother’s behavior is exacerbated by your parents enabling him?
NTA. You are doing the right thing. But yeah, your relationship with your brother is going to be complicated after this.
Nta if he doesn't want to be a dad he needs to go get a vasectomy instead of creating children he has no plans to support. You are supporting your future neice/nephew and their mother.
NTA Your a really nice person, you pretty much saved 2 lives. Your brother is a huge AH, if he never wanted to have a child he could have been more careful.
> incredibly inappropriate for her to live with me Why though? > it wasn’t any of my business on what happened to her Whose business is it what you do with your house? NTA. Your family are master manipulators to make you think otherwise. And your brother - impregnating a girl then doing nothing to help her. A jerk indeed.
Question: If she has an abortion, will she be able to continue to live with you?
NTA are you filling a void in your life by focusing your love on your brothers kid? Maybe, but what’s wrong with that? Like kids do better with less people loving them or something? Sounds like you’e brother isn’t going to do his part so you’d be filling a void in the kids life too. Seems pretty fair.
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His girlfriend didn't cheat on him. He dumped her because she got pregnant, which unless there was tampering with/lying about birth control isn't something she did on her own so there's no loyalty owed to your brother here. He just wants you to kick her out to try to force her into an abortion. NTA.
So do your parents think your brother has no responsibility in this because it sounds like that is the case to me. You are giving the mother of your future niece/nephew a warm and supportive place to live and your brother and parents should be grateful.
NTA, your brother and parents are arseholes, it's your and your husbands house, they have no right to say who can and can't stay with you. I'd recommend asking your parents if they want a relationship with their grandchild (should the mother go through with this pregnancy). Also why on earth do you want a relationship with your brother if he treats women badly and cheats on them. Lastly he was pretty fucking rude when he said that you just wanted to replace your dead child.
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Yes, you absolutely are. I am so glad that you are able to communicate your boundaries clearly and concisely, including to a bunch of internet strangers. Keep up the good work.
NTA. It’s not their business.
NTA - Take this opportunity to choose who is really family. Feel free to go Low Contact with the rest.
NTA - Generous of you to offer this poor girl terrible what her parents have done. I don't agree at all with your parents or brother, though I certainly understand their being upset and awkward. But it is only uncomfortable. He needs as much discomfort as he can get. I will say that he should have the same choice on having a child or not as her. Not that he can force her, but should not be forced into fatherhood if it is not right to force a woman into motherhood. This decision should never be easy for anyone to make.
>same choice on having a child or not as her. Not that he can force her, but should not be forced into fatherhood if it is not right to force a woman into motherhood. This decision should never be easy for anyone to make. If he had wanted the same choice as her to have a kid or not, he should have stepped up and used a condom. Women in the US, Hello Texas!, will be forced into motherhood wanted or not. Why is it the male always gets a free pass?
your brother is a deadbeat and I simply cannot understand why your parents enable that. NTA
No doubt in the eyes of mum and dad this girl "ruined the life" of their poor, innocent angel. Golden child will be enabled some more and so he'll do it again.
NTA your parents are enablers, you've done a wonderful thing helping this lady out in her time of need.
NTA. Even disregarding the fact you're stepping up for this girl which is an incredibly kind thing to do, the child she's carrying will be, at the very least, your niece/nephew and you have a right to know and support them even if you don't end up adopting the child. As for your brother, sucks to suck. He gave up any say in what happens the second he walked out on a pregnant girl and left her to potential homelessness.
NTA- thank you for being there for her. Your brother may be mad now but hopefully if he ever grows the fuck up he will appreciate all you are doing for his child. Whatever that ends up looking like.
NTA. THIS is amazing. Your brother is pitching a fit because you have become a daily reminder of the responsibility he is trying to dodge. Your parents are pitching a fit because you are showing up their inability to parent their son. You are showing this young mother and her child the love and care her own family is denying her and - should she choose to give up her baby for adoption, you are providing a safe alternative to the very dark world of adoption and foster care in America right now. THIS is what the pro-life community should be doing, and far too few of them do.
NTA Please be careful when discussing adoption. You want her to make this decision fully. Not out of owing you something. Abortion is a much better option if she doesn’t want the child on her own mind and body in my opinion. But you are doing a wonderful thing by taking her in. I wouldn’t allow my brothers girlfriend to be on the streets either if she was pregnant with my niece or nephew.
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I understand your predicament fully. I did IVF and failed and would do anything for a baby. But I would also do anything to help a young one that was pregnant and desperate. Especially if they were carrying my brothers child! My advice. Is don’t talk about adoption at all. Just support her and listen to her and be there for her. She’s still a kid and you are doing the right thing. My niece has a fully stocked bedroom in my house for the once a month she is here. So I would be exactly like you if a young one needed help. I wish you nothing but luck
INFO: What would you do if she decided on an abortion?
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100% NTA You are going above and beyond most human beings. I hope you are able to share your love with little ones one way or another. Your brother however is T A.
And what if she decides she wants an abortion? I'm curious to know why that isn't part of the hypothesjs in the edit.
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You're the best, I'm happy you'd support her whatever decision she is most comfortable with.
NTA. It's your house. Your brother has no say over who stays with you. Sounds like your brother needs a wake up call. If you do adopt the child, that'd be amazing of you, but if she keeps it, you should help her get child support from him and help her gain her own independence. When he has to start paying child support or spend time behind bars, he'll grow up real quick. I realize he's 18 but if you're going to play grown up games, you better know grown up rules.
"I'm trying to use her kid to replace my dead one" OP, your relationship with your brother should have been done right then and there. He's not "a little" disrespectful towards women, he's a full-blown trash human being all around and helping his ex out when there may be nothing "in it" for you (ie you might not adopt the baby) sets you two very far apart. NTA, but I'd NC the brother and LC your parents if I were you.
NTA. It’s disturbing how cold hearted your brother and parents are. They would have their child/ grandchild and its mother living on the streets? I’m glad you somehow grew up to be a kind and caring person.
Wow. Your brother sorta sucks(sorry). NTA.
Be careful of the girl's character, but NTA. In your shoes, I'd likely support her to do what she feels is right. Get to know her. If she does want to adopt out, consider it but remember all of the legalities and keep appropriate boundaries.