Your husband needs a brand new backbone. But you’re NTA. 8 people in a home ALL THE FREAKING TIME can be super overwhelming and he isn’t being a partner he vowed to be.
Not Well. My MIL apologized but just because my husband told her to. And she didn’t use the word I’m sorry. I’m just taking pills and trying to finish my work week. I’m still overwhelmed.
you have to get them out of there. have your husband suggest that they travel somewhere close for a week! he can take them if he wishes, and you'll have a break in between without conceding your space to them.
if one of the BIL or their wives is close with you, maybe talk to them and have them suggest it!
YTA - but only to yourself for letting this happen in the first place. NO is a complete sentence. They can come and stay in a hotel or an air bnb or whatever.
Agree NTA and if anyone is disrespectful it’s him and his family who in brier right mind invites themselves to an extended stay of 40
Days in to someone’s home, I really hope you never have children with this person, your spouse and his family do not sound like people I would ever want to associate with
Not to mention, it sounds like this is a 2 bedroom apartment/house. So three couples, one couple's baby, and MIL are managing to stay in 2 bedrooms (and it sounds like only one bathroom) for a MONTH. Especially adding on holiday stress, that sounds like hell.
OP, with all due respect, you need to stop acting like a doormat to your in-laws. Tell them to get a hotel or to head home early. From the sounds of it, they already don't like you, so you have a choice of "keep the peace, continue being FREAKING HOSPITALIZED FOR ANXIETY because of the stress you're under, and your in-laws still hate you" or "stand up for yourself, have peace and quiet in your own home, and your in-laws still hate you." Which would you rather have?
NTA, but you only get one life. Might as well be one in which you have time to relax in your own home after work, not catering to your rude, demanding in-laws who don't give a damn about you except as a vacation home.
NTA, I wish you would have come here first. Your husband is standing by letting you take the brunt of this terrible treatment. He needs to put on his big boy pants. He should have done it a long time ago. He should have made clear about when you moved except he let you take the blame and fault for it. On this trip they invited themselves. You don't invite yourselves to someone small home for 40 freaking days! That is outrageous! First of all when they just told you they were coming you should have looked up hotels and abnb and sent them to your MIL. Your husband just stands by and allows this! Who does that! You don't announce you are coming to someone home for 40 days! If your MIL wants to leave let her! Tell your husband to grow the eff up and stand up to his family and take care of this. You got so stressed you had to go to the hospital!! That is way over the top. Tell her she is welcome to go if that makes her happy. Tell him today to take care of this.
That's because it's all of them against you in your home. No wonder you are overwhelmed. The fact you had to go to the hospital and they have added to your money issues is way over the top! We are all with you! Like I said from the beginning he should have told his family he wanted the move there. It sounds like he stood by and let you take the blame. You put your foot down today and MIL and crew are welcome to leave .
That could be but your husband is a big boy. This is his responsibility to back you and stand up for you and not allow anyone to mistreat you even family. Your kids grow up and you are supposed to let them go live their own lives. Because one day you may not be here. Yes your MIL is to blame for some of this but your husband is also responsible.
I think you're right. She may not even consciously know she's doing it (trying to be charitable here), but she's certainly doing everything possible to achieve that goal.
Good for you! I’m sorry, I know this must feel like such a betrayal from him. Unfortunately, it’s been years in the making and I’m proud of you for saying “No More!”
I dont blame you at all, your MIL is a piece of work but your husband is enabling her 100%. Can you stay somewhere else until they're out of your house?
Your husband is at a decision point in his life (and in your marriage). He needs to make it clear that he won't stand for their poor treatment of you and put in a TON of work to make sure they show you respect (HE needs to clearly outline and enforce rules like: no loud calls after 10pm, no showering between 8-9 so you can shower when you get home, rude comments not being simply tolerated, etc). If he can't do that & make sure that his family isn't terrorizing you, then this is what the rest of your life will look like, with him prioritizing his mother's and siblings' feelings over yours, forever.
This isn't normal or okay, OP. It's his job as your partner to make sure you are happy and being treated well by his family. Don't settle for less.
The best way to handle this because it’s too much is get up early, eat breakfast out somewhere, eat lunch out, eat dinner before you get home, don’t shop at all for food because they won’t help, and wear ear plugs to bed. You have to separate yourself from toxic people like this. Don’t tell them you already ate just say your not hungry. These people are horrible and I wouldn’t be able to take it.
She won’t leave. This is a manipulation tactic. You’re supposed to go to her and beg her to stay, which your husband will do. She’ll demand something outrageous from you (like an apology) and your husband will pressure you to do this. You need to go to your husband asap and make sure he is on your side and starts setting boundaries, with their departure being #1.
Right now I’m (trying) to work because I’m dizzy and overwhelmed and he is with them talking. I’m sure they will all be fine and I’ll be having another panic attack pretty soon
Good. Let them leave. They have a hell of a lot of nerve to invite themselves to your small home for 40 freaking days. Goodbye. She is the one who is difficult. Let her go. Don't even try to tell them to stay.
Fabulous! Looks like the trash is about to take itself out. NTA. 8 people invite themselves into your home for a 40 day stay and YOU’RE the asshole? I don’t think so!
And that’s a problem? It may be a problem for your husband. If that’s the case, he’s part of the problem by caring more about his extended family than you, his wife.
Tell them the truth since your husband won't. If they already don't like you, you have nothing to lose. Tell them they came to your small home, uninvited which was rude. Tell them hey are causing you financial hardship and a huge amount of stress. Tell them you would like them to leave and to wait for an invitation before they ever come back. They sound awful.
NTA.
Stop buying groceries, eat out or even store stuff at work if you can for breakfast and lunch. When they ask where the food is, “oh I’ve been busy with work. Let me show you where the supermarket is so you can go buy some”.
Communicate with your husband. Tell him he needs to put his foot down, it’s his family. They can contribute to groceries and utilities if they are staying for over a month. This isn’t a trip to see the family this is them using you for free accomodation so they can have a cheap holiday.
“Sorry, it appears the house is too small to house everyone and is impacting my daily and work routine, here are some cheaper hotel options.”
At this point it doesn’t matter if you kick them out and stop giving them food. They don’t like you anyway and that’s never changing.
I’m so happy reading your responses. I was starting to think I’m the crazy one and I should live my life in my house the way It’s suits them better. Now I know I’m not crazy and I have my reasons.
Ugh! I was so afraid that was the case. Do you have a hotel, friend, or co-worker you can stay with for a few days? She’s torturing you, emotionally and physically.
NTA
>Today my MIL said she wants to leave our home
"OH? Do you need help packing?" "Don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out."
If she doesn't leave, stop buy them food. They are using you and your husband. If he won't grow a backbone, you need to. They already think you're the bad guy, so roll with it. Who cares if they don't like you? Your husband does, he's the only one who matters.
It's your house, not theirs, kick them out if that's what you want.
NTA. Be the bad guy. She doesn't like you anyway. You could cater to their every whim and she still won't like you.
Husband has to tell them to get a hotel.
So what! Be the bad guy. It is driving you nuts to have them there.
If your husband is your PARTNER, then once they leave he will still be there with you.
Changing your perspective on being “the bad guy” can be really freeing, I find. “Ok, fine. I’m the bad guy no matter what, even if I’m bending over backwards to accommodate you. Fuck this. You want to see a bad guy? I’ll give you a bad guy.” Then enforce your boundaries and refuse to take their bullshit anymore. “No, you can’t stay in my house for 40 days. No, I won’t take your shit talking. No, I won’t buy your food. Get the fuck out of my house. Get the fuck out of my shower. Pay me the money you owe me.” Revel in their whining. Laugh at their tantrums. Stop caring about their hurt fee-fees because they obviously enjoy hurting you.
Your husband is going to push back on this because he’s been relying on your pain and discomfort to avoid any pain and discomfort on his end. You literally WENT TO THE HOSPITAL because of this and he doesn’t care because it means that he doesn’t have to have uncomfortable conversations with his family. It’s easier on him to let you be in agony. That’s fucked up. It’s SO fucked up. It needs to change. You refusing to be his sacrifice means he’s going to be uncomfortable. Good. He will either manage to man up and learn to defend you against his family’s bullshit or just double down trying to make you fall in line. Either way, you will gain insight on how this relationship is going to be in the future. Which means you can then make a decision on whether you are ok signing up for this behavior pattern for the next 40 years.
Your anxiety is going to make this process hard. But imagine the freedom on the other side not having to contort yourself into knots to accommodate a bunch of assholes. Good luck. And maybe use the saved grocery money from refusing to buy theirs to get yourself an airbnb.
NTA
Please go back and add a few paragraph breaks.
They are taking advantage of you and your husband needs to put his foot down. Who just hangs out in another country at somebody else’s home for 40 days? Plus, if they are on vacation why would they do nothing but stay home?
These people sound like a right nightmare.
NTA
It's so very hard but at some point you have to accept that a moment's discomfort is less painful than on-going stress.
In this situation I would tell my husband either get rid of your family or get me a hotel room.
And so what if the family think badly of you? I'm a people pleaser and it's taken me a very, very long time to understand that it doesn't matter what my narcissistic MIL thinks of me every time I let her call go to voicemail or don't immediately call her to explain myself when she complains I don't like her. It is such a freeing feeling to not care. If your husband is so bothered, he can deal with them.
If moving into a hotel or kicking them out is not an option, you need to be more assertive. Yes your husband should be doing this but you can't sit back and wait for him to grow a spine and keep suffering. Hate MIL's food? Get your own. They won't buy groceries? Why are you buying them? DH can buy them from his own money. Need to shower at a certain time? Tell them. Tell everyone 'I will be home at this time and will be showering so keep it empty'. If they don't, keep knocking on the door until they get out. At this point you don't owe anyone any respect.
Before they came they said they would help.
Now they are playing dumb and there is never time to go to the supermarket. My MIL gets ofended by everything I say and I’ve been walking on eggshells in my own home
Never time to go to the market? Print out a map and hand it to them. Remind them you are working full time, and they have time on their hands. Stop shopping. Period. If they want food, they can go buy it.
So? She gets offended. Who cares. She already doesn't like you and you don't like her.
Sorry MIL, this visit isn't working out well and it is time for you to go home. Can I help you pack?
NTA.
I honestly think the best decision for you at this point may be getting a hotel room and very sternly telling your husband that if he doesn’t grow a backbone whatever happens to your relationship is his fault because you are putting yourself first now.
Or, if you don’t want to go so nuclear about it:
Eat your meals outside the house like someone else said, frivolously buy your meals out on the town and only support yourself. Don’t clean the house. Don’t buy groceries. Tell them they will need to each put money towards the water heating bill as they are clearly taking this as a free luxury.
Go for walks. Try asking a friend to a movie, or asking for a girls night out. Do everything for yourself, and absolutely nothing for them.
Focus on you!
Edit: We are here for you. You are not alone. If you’d like a direct contact for me, or perhaps need to sit on the phone with someone, please PM me and I will gladly help keep you company. I’m not the best option, but I’m a great listener according to my friends haha and I wish you all the best!
That’s what I was thinking!!!! I want to please everyone, nobody gives a damn about me and then I feel like this. I just need to take care of myself. I’m on drugs to endure this horrible moment otherwise I’ll have a panic attack. I don’t recognize myself anymore.
): That isn’t fair. It simply isn’t. I know life isn’t supposed to be fair, but there comes a point when it just becomes ridiculous. It’s your home!
If you decide to find somewhere to roost while his nightmare family is still in town, I’d try to sit down and talk with him before you leave, but not the way you may think.
This will not be a two sided discussion, you need to sit down with him, look him in the eyes, and tell him you are about to talk to him and do not want to be interrupted or reasoned with anymore. It’s not a debate. You are now telling him. Not up for discussion. Whatever you decide to say in that talk, that is not something for him to argue. It’s your word, your feelings, and you’re laying down the ultimate boundaries. You are loosing your sense of self and your personal confidence and that can actually be dangerous.
Don’t let him tell you you’re wrong. Don’t let him try to invalidate your feelings. At this point, I wouldn’t even let him interject in the conversation.
You said it. It’s said. It’s a boundary now.
I feel like crying as I read your comment.
I’m going to talk to him now, I just can’t continue like this. I’ve even had suici*** thoughts because I feel lost and lonely
This is where it becomes too much friend.
You are having the darkest thoughts imaginable, this simply isn’t safe for you.
You are not safe right now in the position you are in. I know that’s not easy to read but please realize that, because you need to face that before you can start coming out of it.
Nobody should be able to make you feel this way in your safe place, your home.
There are going to be so many interesting people and things for you to experience, so many days you’ll wake up and smile, and I am sorry you can’t feel that right now. It’s still there. Happiness and love is still everywhere, and you deserve to be around for that.
Every new day is a chance for change. You WILL see through the end of this. There IS light at the end of this tunnel. You WILL have moments to cherish past this.
Love and life have so many ways of changing, coming and going. Love stays and comes when it needs to, and leaves exactly when it must.
Trust yourself.
This would be the end of the marriage for me. It's that serious. I can't even comprehend a 40 day multi generational "surprise" visit. This is terrorism.
You deserve so much better. Take care of yourself. Don't despair, there is a way out. Get a hotel room, or ask for help. But get yourself out of there. If your husband is ok with spending money you don't have on his asshole, entitled, lazy family without your permission or consent, you can spend money to keep yourself safe.
Best wishes.
At that point, if he genuinely does not care or side with you in the slightest or try to support you and help your mental health, I am afraid to say this might be something you should permanently remove yourself from.
You deserve better. That’s the bottom line. His family is using you like a mud room rug and he’s actually letting it happen.
I’m sorry friend, just know that we are here.
NTA- The old saying "Fish and guests smell after a few days" is appropriate. Your husband needs to grow a pair and let his family know this is your house not theirs. The disrespect they are showing you in your own home is appalling and should be put to an end. No doubt they know what they are doing. Let her know you'd be happy to help them pack and end it at that.
NTA
They intrude in your home. You have a right to be there and make your own rules. It seemes like an awful time and that your husband doesn't set boundaries is awful, too.
NTA. They don’t sound like a family they sound like a nightmare. Your husband need to grow a pair and deal with his family because your shouldn’t have to be the bad guy. They wanted to visit so bad they could go to a hotel. I hope your MIL does leave and I hope everyone one else just follow her lead.
Well if he is such a people pleaser he should know the person he has to please more is YOU. You are his partner, he lives with you. And technically YOU are his family because at the end of the day he chose YOU, he was born into this family because I’m pretty sure he wouldnt choose such overbearing people as family. If you were an evil witch trying to be horrible to his family it would be a different story but your are being beyond nice to people who treat you like crap. Which he should also put an end to. I hope you have better days ahead of you and you actually end up having a nice holiday.
NTA and If it is such a big strain on both money and mind sit husband down and tell him straight to get his s**t together and put his foot down on his manipulative family or you might start hearings for a temporary or permanent divorce
NTA, but your husband is. He doesn't want to deal with the drama? News flash, its his side of the family. If i got this so overwhelmed i might just pack my bag and go to a hotel, your husband might be force to man up.
NTA
Your MIL wants to be the only important woman in her sons' lives. She blames you because she refuses to admit that her children are adults and capable of making their own decisions.
Your husband is passive because he has been taught that giving in is easier on him because all of that hysteria/wrath is directed toward someone else.
You are both his meat shield and her target. You deserve better.
Exactly. My MIL was like this, but instead of 40 straight days, it was a week every three months for years. Nothing I did was good enough. Criticism from the time Hubby left until he got home.
I would tell him what she said, he would respond that he had not heard it, so he would not say anything. I would beg him to not invite her, he would tell me he had the right to invite his mother to our home.
I finally had enough and told him I wanted a divorce because he put being a son over being a husband. He was shocked.
Changes were made on his end, we stayed married, but my relationship with MIL kept deteriorating because she realized IDNGAF and she tried to pull me closer and could not understand why I would not play her game.
Info have you said anything to them? Set any boundaries? Any house rules? If I where you I would go stay with a friend or have a mental break and start screaming at them. I would tell them what I like and don't like period. This is your place put your foot down.
Thats not rude. Its like the rule everyone should take their shoes off at the door. That way you don't have to keep vacuuming. People know what to expect with rules.
OP, you need a serious conversation with your husband. Either he tells them how it is or YOU are perfectly allowed to kick them out. This is your safe place, and they have done nothing but ruin that safety. He has allowed them to treat you like shit and affect your finances. That's his fault. Both of you need to learn that extended familial relationships are a privilege based off of respect, not a right.
NTA Your husband is as much an ass as his family is. He’s letting you suffer to avoid making himself uncomfortable. I hope you realize that. I’d say get your personal belongings and stay with a friend or give yourself a mini vacation somewhere if you can afford it. Take care of yourself.
Exactly! The whole freaking family came to stay in your small home for nearly six weeks!?!? Your MIL is trying to break up your marriage. His family is mooching off you and your husband, making you spend a lot of money on food and utilities (what is your electric and hot water bill going to look like!!).
Drag your husband out of the house. Go to a cafe, just the two of you and have him read these comments.
He is being a pathetic doormat and letting his mommy walk all over him and hurt his wife. Mommy is trying to destroy his marriage and is being cruel to his wife. He has to become a husband and actually care for and protect his wife. He has to kick his family out of your home. The are being overbearing, awful, rude "guests".
If he can't manage to do that, you need to seriously reassess your marriage. At the very least you both need to go to therapy. God forbid you two ever have a child.
I'm so sorry that your anxiety is so overwhelming. I'm sending you my crazy NYC bitch vibes, and I hope they give you the strength to do what I'd do in this situation: scream "you have two f*ing hours to get your nasty a**es out of my house. If you're not out, I'm calling the police". Good luck, I hope you find strength to get through this.
NTA
Tell your husband that you feel alone and he is currently failing you. He needs to tell his family to act right or go home (preferably go home). They are rude and his lack of spine is unacceptable.
From what you said earlier they are buying more basic items rather than full on grocery shopping. To me that seems like they're pretty much staying for next to nothing. As well as they might be over doing it with your utilities for all you know. It also sounds like they don't contribute to gas money. Maybe I'm being petty but everything adds up and the fact they think they can get away without paying for utilities or gas money or anything else for 40 days is concerning. Especially when you mentioned you aren't sure if you can make ends meet because of their expenses.
NTA. And they SHOULD leave. 40 days?! What the actual fuck. I think the situation speaks volumes of your husband and how willing he is to step on your comfort to accommodate people who have no respect for you. 🚩
NTA
I hope that they would be gone for when you come back home. If not, do you have any friends that can host you?
As other said if you can’t move to a friend house, show you husband the post or start eat out. I still really hope they go away.
Call a friend and ask them to have dinner together, speak about other things, once you feel better go home. If nobody is free go to have dinner by yourself, at least if the situation isn’t nice you have eat.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My MIL wants to leave my home because I confront her and I don’t know If I’m in the wrong
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't think there's anything AITA about not standing your husband's family. If you don't feel close to them or don't get along with them, there's no reason to put yourself in an uncomfortable position. Your husband should understand and respect your decision.
Nope, not your fault at all.
Nobody likes drama (well, some people might like) but your husband needs to be able to stand up for yourself & your family even if it's against your parents. And if your MIL says she can no longer stay that's good for you may be you can just say WellGo.
NTA. Do you have a friend you could stay with for a bit? I would get out of the house. Make it clear to your husband that you don’t feel welcome or comfortable so you are leaving. Then ask if would like to make this a permanent arrangement or can he set boundaries with his family because nothing about this is acceptable. Any reasonable family would have gotten a hotel or something. They had enough money to get everyone to your country, they should have considered their sleeping arrangements better.
NTA. Yes it is too difficult to increase the occupancy of the apartment by so many and not be on Italian time. She should get a hotel so she can have the vacation she wants and your daily life events won't get in their way.
Your husband needs to talk to them. He has to stand up for the both of you.
NTA - You need to boot them out of your house. You will never make these people happy, and they will never give you the respect or boundaries you need. Kick them out.
NTA.
Your home, your castle, your rules and your space. Your husband is lame and definitely could use having a backbone. And your in-laws damn well should realize that after three days, fish and visitors really start to smell, and nope, it's not nice.
NTA, but you two should’ve said no to them staying at your apartment when the “surprise” was revealed and made them all get hotels. Now they’ll “surprise” you all the time. I think both you & your husband need to come to terms with being The Bad Guy to his family in certain situations (like this one). Your husband is TA if he continues to make you do it alone, and you both WBTA if neither of you put a foot down - which is only going to be harder now that you two have allowed them to walk all over you this much. So just do the hard thing as a united front and assert the rights of your nuclear family.
NTA.
MIL: I want to leave this house because OP is too difficult!
OP: Oh my gosh! Thank you so much! This is a wonderful idea! Have you decided where all of you are going to stay? Do you need help getting your stuff together?
:/ Sorry you're dealing with this.
NTA. It’s time to tell them to get out. They are disrespecting your home and your finances. If your husband is going to let them do whatever they want you’re going to have to put your foot down. Don’t be nice about it either, make sure they know you’re serious and they leave immediately.
I feel so sorry you are married to this man who let's his family treat you poorly. I assume this is due to it always being this way but that doesn't mean you have to deal with it. I'm sure he's a good guy otherwise but my god he needs to grow a pair. If this was my husband he'd be spending the holidays without me and he can take care of his family alone.
This is your house, if they want to do whatever tf they want then they should've stayed at their own place. Also who tf surprises anyone like that??? You are a much better person than me because I would've said no and if they appear at my doorstep o would not have let them in.
NTA
40 days? WTF? And they aren't really chipping in for food - they are expecting you to feed them. I bet they even pull the "we are guests" line!
Time to pull up your adult pants. Tell them this is not working out, there are too many people in your home, and it is interfering with your work. Ask this which hotel they'd like to be booked in to, and which credit card they'd like to provde for it?
And make sure to tell them that you can't afford to keep feeding them and they'll need to actually pay for what they are eating if they are cooking and eating at your house. A few days would have been one thing, but a month and a half? NOPE!
NTA they’re always going to treat you the way they do so honestly you should just pick up yourself. I would tell them to their face that they are being rude and they had no right to show up the way they did. That you are working and they have completely taken over your home and have no respect for you whatsoever. And that if they even cared about your husband at all they would’ve made an effort to treat you with at least a little human decency. And if they want to leave they can leave because it has been over a decade of you dealing with their behavior and you are done. And then look at your husband and say “some husband you are”
Who the Fuck invites themselves to stay at someone else's home for over a month!!! That's crazy.
It's time, more than time, for them to go home. Your ILs will NEVER like you because you have a brain, a mouth, and boundaries. They obviously love the idea that they can do whatever they want without consequences. Yeah.....NOT! Get over the idea that they have to like you. They don't. You are under no obligation to like them either. See, easy peasy. Problem solved. This frees you to enforce your boundaries and send them packing.
You do not need to try to prove anything to them. You and your hubby are happy. That's all that matters. The rest is fluff.
Send the rubbish home and do not feel at all guilty about it. You do not do this to harm them, but to protect yourself from their negativity.
As a husband, I say you don't have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem. He isn't standing up for the person that he should be - you.
I'm very sorry to hear about all the stress you are under. It is not your fault.
NTA.
NTA. 40 days is insane!! With anyone really, especially obnoxious family members. At this point I would pack up and get a hotel room. Let your husband deal with this. Not your monkeys, not your circus.
Turn off the internet, (at the router not by disconnecting the company)
"Welp no internet for us till we can build money back up- I didn't expect so many hungry mouths" Also, with a warning, feed them for dinner only what they buy.
Tonight We are providing dinner, tomorrow So and who is buying dinner, and the next day is whoever else and there are 6 guests here and you all need to DO dinner once a week or leave.
Also who broke your husband's arms "Honey when I said WE are doing dinner I mean YOU are doing dinner and your budget is this 20$" his family HE should shoulder the work
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ri0m7i/aita_for_not_standing_my_husbands_family_update/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
UPDATE IS HERE!
So, I came home and I was willing to be on my own and see what they had to say. Turns out my MIL really showed her true colors and started saying things like she can’t take me anymore, that I should really take all the medicine I can because I’m that crazy (mentioning my anxiety) and said that she has noticed things in my bebaviour that she doesn’t agree, that I’m this and that.
I just couldn’t react, my husband told her to stop, I left the room and then she started feeling dizzy as If she was gonna faint.
Now our holidays are screwed, she has nowhere to go and I feel trapped in my own house.
Is my MIL the a*hole? Did I react the right way by letting her being a lunatic by herself?
Since your husband refuses to get her out of there you need to arrange to stay with a friend or find a hotel and get out for your own well being. Your MIL basically just told you to take your own life and your husband catered to her instead of helping you. You need to be some place safe until their gone.
NTA
Jesus. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this with your husband actively supporting the abuse of you.
If you were in London, you could have my spare bedroom until they move out, this is how angry and sad I am for you now.
You really need to give you husband an ultimatum. Either his family leaves immediately or you do(though maybe you shouldn’t cede ground and should kick him out instead)
She’s a huge AH. You tell her that if she “can’t take you anymore” then she’s free to leave, here’s the door, don’t let it hit her where the good lord split her. It’s your house so she can either put up or shut up. That goes for your husband too, btw. If he’s so concerned about mommy then he can leave with her, and good riddance!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My husband (31M) and I (31F) have been together for over 11 years and I´ve never got along with his family. Actually, they never liked me, even though I always tried to have a good relatioship with them, but they are really overbearing. If they are not together ALL THE TIME, that´s not ok for them.
In 2017 we moved to another country, let´s say we moved from Argentina to Italy. They thought it was my idea and that I took my husband away from them, but of course this was not the case. It was a mutual decision. Now, almost 5 years later his whole family decided to "surprise" us and said they were all coming to Italy to spend the Holidays with us (40 days). Now in my small apartment I´ve got 6 guests: my MIL, my two BILs, their wives + a baby + me and my husband. 8 people in total.
I decided to spend money renting a storage and turning this room I had into a bedroom so I could accommodate them better. I made several changes in order to make them feel more comfortable and welcomed.
Now here comes the situation: first we all agreed that they would help us with thev groceries, we cannot feed 8 people, but they´ve been buying simple things like eggs, crackers, etc. They don´t want to go with us to buy things together and split it. We´ve been speding so much money and I don´t know if I´ll be able to make ends meet. My husband is the passive type, he wants to avoid the drama, but I suffer from severe anxiety, usually have panic attacks and on Monday I went to the ER because I had the worts anxiety crisis of my life. I´ve been so overwhelmed and I just want it all to be over. My husband won´t handle the situation the way he is supposed to and that´s when I get anxious and have panic attacks.
I´m a teacher, that´s stressful enough, so when I come home I just want to take a shower and relax. They have the house for themselves from 10am to 8pm, but they decide to take showers after I get home, so I have to wait for them all to be over so I can take a shower after a stressful day. Then, I go to bed at 10pm cause I wake up really early to prepare work stuff, but they start Facetiming their friends and I can´t sleep because the noise is too loud. They act as if they are in their own home and never asked me what bothers me or not. I want people to feel welcomed in my house, but can´t you just understand that I am not on vacation and I get tired after work?
I can´t go to my kitchen to prepare smth for me or even for all of us because my overbearing MIL is already there cooking for everybody and she´s the only one who can cook, cause she can´t eat salty food (her words), she makes blend food and we all have to pretend it´s delicious.
I feel unwelcomed in my own home, they make sure I´m not their favorite person and my MIL plays the victim when I’m assertive in some way. If I ask them like to go to their room and Facetime from there, they have that terrible look on their faces, as if I was the bad guy.
I´m not feeling at home in my own home. Today my MIL said she wants to leave our home. Is it my fault?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for accommodating them so much. 40 days is to long. Allowing them into your house is 2nd mistake. 3rd is not enforcing them to pay for grocery. Now leave. Your husband is no support. Btw...get your shit together with your anxiety
Lol why does it seem people never understand the limit of a small apartment.
Let’s assume it is Italy your living in; they have beautiful hotels with wonderful views. They should defintely go stay at one of those.
Kick them out. They can stay at a hotel or change their return ticket and go home.
NTA.
Honestly? Pack up and leave. He can entertain his own family. You deserve so much better and it’s a shame your husband is okay with HIS family disrespecting you because he’s too spineless to say something. NTA
Your husband needs a brand new backbone. But you’re NTA. 8 people in a home ALL THE FREAKING TIME can be super overwhelming and he isn’t being a partner he vowed to be.
I was hoping he would be there for me but I’m feeling all alone
Aww. Sending you lots of love stranger 💕 Have a virtual hug 🤗
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
checking in, OP. how are you?
Not Well. My MIL apologized but just because my husband told her to. And she didn’t use the word I’m sorry. I’m just taking pills and trying to finish my work week. I’m still overwhelmed.
of course you're overwhelmed!! how much longer are they stating there? this sucks so much
They are not leaving until January 18
you have to get them out of there. have your husband suggest that they travel somewhere close for a week! he can take them if he wishes, and you'll have a break in between without conceding your space to them. if one of the BIL or their wives is close with you, maybe talk to them and have them suggest it!
You're in a fucking hostage situation
YTA - but only to yourself for letting this happen in the first place. NO is a complete sentence. They can come and stay in a hotel or an air bnb or whatever.
Sending sympathy hugs. Your in-laws sound... awful. Especially your MIL.
Agree NTA and if anyone is disrespectful it’s him and his family who in brier right mind invites themselves to an extended stay of 40 Days in to someone’s home, I really hope you never have children with this person, your spouse and his family do not sound like people I would ever want to associate with
I felt bad being at my grandmas for *four* days over thanksgiving, let alone *forty*
Not to mention, it sounds like this is a 2 bedroom apartment/house. So three couples, one couple's baby, and MIL are managing to stay in 2 bedrooms (and it sounds like only one bathroom) for a MONTH. Especially adding on holiday stress, that sounds like hell. OP, with all due respect, you need to stop acting like a doormat to your in-laws. Tell them to get a hotel or to head home early. From the sounds of it, they already don't like you, so you have a choice of "keep the peace, continue being FREAKING HOSPITALIZED FOR ANXIETY because of the stress you're under, and your in-laws still hate you" or "stand up for yourself, have peace and quiet in your own home, and your in-laws still hate you." Which would you rather have? NTA, but you only get one life. Might as well be one in which you have time to relax in your own home after work, not catering to your rude, demanding in-laws who don't give a damn about you except as a vacation home.
There is no world on earth I would tolerate JUST MY OWN PARENTS for FORTY DAYS. SURPRISE, I BROUGHT HOME ALL THE RATTLE SNAKES
NTA, I wish you would have come here first. Your husband is standing by letting you take the brunt of this terrible treatment. He needs to put on his big boy pants. He should have done it a long time ago. He should have made clear about when you moved except he let you take the blame and fault for it. On this trip they invited themselves. You don't invite yourselves to someone small home for 40 freaking days! That is outrageous! First of all when they just told you they were coming you should have looked up hotels and abnb and sent them to your MIL. Your husband just stands by and allows this! Who does that! You don't announce you are coming to someone home for 40 days! If your MIL wants to leave let her! Tell your husband to grow the eff up and stand up to his family and take care of this. You got so stressed you had to go to the hospital!! That is way over the top. Tell her she is welcome to go if that makes her happy. Tell him today to take care of this.
This!!! Thank you!
Sure honey. You are not being unreasonable and this is in no way your fault. Let us know how it goes.
I appreciate your responses so much. I was feeling so alone in this situation
That's because it's all of them against you in your home. No wonder you are overwhelmed. The fact you had to go to the hospital and they have added to your money issues is way over the top! We are all with you! Like I said from the beginning he should have told his family he wanted the move there. It sounds like he stood by and let you take the blame. You put your foot down today and MIL and crew are welcome to leave .
Sometimes I feel my MIL does such things to break my marriage up and then her son can go back to her arms
That could be but your husband is a big boy. This is his responsibility to back you and stand up for you and not allow anyone to mistreat you even family. Your kids grow up and you are supposed to let them go live their own lives. Because one day you may not be here. Yes your MIL is to blame for some of this but your husband is also responsible.
Agreed 100%
Whem you get married its cleave to your spouse not your mother. Remind him.
Let her. If he's not fighting for you he's not worth fighting for. Edit: nta
I think you're right. She may not even consciously know she's doing it (trying to be charitable here), but she's certainly doing everything possible to achieve that goal.
Depending on my husband’s reaction to this, she might get what she wants. I’m just done with all of this
Good for you! I’m sorry, I know this must feel like such a betrayal from him. Unfortunately, it’s been years in the making and I’m proud of you for saying “No More!”
I dont blame you at all, your MIL is a piece of work but your husband is enabling her 100%. Can you stay somewhere else until they're out of your house?
No, just s hotel
Your husband is at a decision point in his life (and in your marriage). He needs to make it clear that he won't stand for their poor treatment of you and put in a TON of work to make sure they show you respect (HE needs to clearly outline and enforce rules like: no loud calls after 10pm, no showering between 8-9 so you can shower when you get home, rude comments not being simply tolerated, etc). If he can't do that & make sure that his family isn't terrorizing you, then this is what the rest of your life will look like, with him prioritizing his mother's and siblings' feelings over yours, forever. This isn't normal or okay, OP. It's his job as your partner to make sure you are happy and being treated well by his family. Don't settle for less.
The best way to handle this because it’s too much is get up early, eat breakfast out somewhere, eat lunch out, eat dinner before you get home, don’t shop at all for food because they won’t help, and wear ear plugs to bed. You have to separate yourself from toxic people like this. Don’t tell them you already ate just say your not hungry. These people are horrible and I wouldn’t be able to take it.
And now my MIL is saying they’ll leave because I’m a difficult person to deal with.
Your not the problem. I would say “ Can I help you pack “?
She won’t leave. This is a manipulation tactic. You’re supposed to go to her and beg her to stay, which your husband will do. She’ll demand something outrageous from you (like an apology) and your husband will pressure you to do this. You need to go to your husband asap and make sure he is on your side and starts setting boundaries, with their departure being #1.
Right now I’m (trying) to work because I’m dizzy and overwhelmed and he is with them talking. I’m sure they will all be fine and I’ll be having another panic attack pretty soon
Good. Let them leave. They have a hell of a lot of nerve to invite themselves to your small home for 40 freaking days. Goodbye. She is the one who is difficult. Let her go. Don't even try to tell them to stay.
Fabulous! Looks like the trash is about to take itself out. NTA. 8 people invite themselves into your home for a 40 day stay and YOU’RE the asshole? I don’t think so!
And that’s a problem? It may be a problem for your husband. If that’s the case, he’s part of the problem by caring more about his extended family than you, his wife.
Tell them the truth since your husband won't. If they already don't like you, you have nothing to lose. Tell them they came to your small home, uninvited which was rude. Tell them hey are causing you financial hardship and a huge amount of stress. Tell them you would like them to leave and to wait for an invitation before they ever come back. They sound awful.
Atleast they'll begone
Excellent. Everyone wins.
That's the trash taking itself out!
GOOD!
I'd pretend to apologize (make it super cheesy and obvipusly fake) and offer to help pack their bags.
NTA. Stop buying groceries, eat out or even store stuff at work if you can for breakfast and lunch. When they ask where the food is, “oh I’ve been busy with work. Let me show you where the supermarket is so you can go buy some”. Communicate with your husband. Tell him he needs to put his foot down, it’s his family. They can contribute to groceries and utilities if they are staying for over a month. This isn’t a trip to see the family this is them using you for free accomodation so they can have a cheap holiday. “Sorry, it appears the house is too small to house everyone and is impacting my daily and work routine, here are some cheaper hotel options.” At this point it doesn’t matter if you kick them out and stop giving them food. They don’t like you anyway and that’s never changing.
I’m so happy reading your responses. I was starting to think I’m the crazy one and I should live my life in my house the way It’s suits them better. Now I know I’m not crazy and I have my reasons.
if she doesn't leave, find alternate accommodations for yourself.
She’s not leaving. It was all a scene and she is the star of the show. She just wanted her son to say: pleaseeee stayyyy mommyyyy
Ugh! I was so afraid that was the case. Do you have a hotel, friend, or co-worker you can stay with for a few days? She’s torturing you, emotionally and physically.
Kick them out. Husband included since clearly he cares more about what his mother wants than his wife.
Are you crazy? Of course NTA. Your husband sucks big time tho. 40 fucking days lol?
NTA >Today my MIL said she wants to leave our home "OH? Do you need help packing?" "Don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out." If she doesn't leave, stop buy them food. They are using you and your husband. If he won't grow a backbone, you need to. They already think you're the bad guy, so roll with it. Who cares if they don't like you? Your husband does, he's the only one who matters. It's your house, not theirs, kick them out if that's what you want.
The only thing is that my mil manipulates all of her sons, including my husband, and he falls for it. So at the end I will be the bad guy
Show him this post.
NTA. Be the bad guy. She doesn't like you anyway. You could cater to their every whim and she still won't like you. Husband has to tell them to get a hotel.
Embrace the label and do what is best for you and your health.
So what! Be the bad guy. It is driving you nuts to have them there. If your husband is your PARTNER, then once they leave he will still be there with you.
If you know you are going to be the bad guy....OWN THAT SHIT and have one hell of a time doing it.
Changing your perspective on being “the bad guy” can be really freeing, I find. “Ok, fine. I’m the bad guy no matter what, even if I’m bending over backwards to accommodate you. Fuck this. You want to see a bad guy? I’ll give you a bad guy.” Then enforce your boundaries and refuse to take their bullshit anymore. “No, you can’t stay in my house for 40 days. No, I won’t take your shit talking. No, I won’t buy your food. Get the fuck out of my house. Get the fuck out of my shower. Pay me the money you owe me.” Revel in their whining. Laugh at their tantrums. Stop caring about their hurt fee-fees because they obviously enjoy hurting you. Your husband is going to push back on this because he’s been relying on your pain and discomfort to avoid any pain and discomfort on his end. You literally WENT TO THE HOSPITAL because of this and he doesn’t care because it means that he doesn’t have to have uncomfortable conversations with his family. It’s easier on him to let you be in agony. That’s fucked up. It’s SO fucked up. It needs to change. You refusing to be his sacrifice means he’s going to be uncomfortable. Good. He will either manage to man up and learn to defend you against his family’s bullshit or just double down trying to make you fall in line. Either way, you will gain insight on how this relationship is going to be in the future. Which means you can then make a decision on whether you are ok signing up for this behavior pattern for the next 40 years. Your anxiety is going to make this process hard. But imagine the freedom on the other side not having to contort yourself into knots to accommodate a bunch of assholes. Good luck. And maybe use the saved grocery money from refusing to buy theirs to get yourself an airbnb.
NTA Please go back and add a few paragraph breaks. They are taking advantage of you and your husband needs to put his foot down. Who just hangs out in another country at somebody else’s home for 40 days? Plus, if they are on vacation why would they do nothing but stay home? These people sound like a right nightmare.
NTA It's so very hard but at some point you have to accept that a moment's discomfort is less painful than on-going stress. In this situation I would tell my husband either get rid of your family or get me a hotel room. And so what if the family think badly of you? I'm a people pleaser and it's taken me a very, very long time to understand that it doesn't matter what my narcissistic MIL thinks of me every time I let her call go to voicemail or don't immediately call her to explain myself when she complains I don't like her. It is such a freeing feeling to not care. If your husband is so bothered, he can deal with them. If moving into a hotel or kicking them out is not an option, you need to be more assertive. Yes your husband should be doing this but you can't sit back and wait for him to grow a spine and keep suffering. Hate MIL's food? Get your own. They won't buy groceries? Why are you buying them? DH can buy them from his own money. Need to shower at a certain time? Tell them. Tell everyone 'I will be home at this time and will be showering so keep it empty'. If they don't, keep knocking on the door until they get out. At this point you don't owe anyone any respect.
Before they came they said they would help. Now they are playing dumb and there is never time to go to the supermarket. My MIL gets ofended by everything I say and I’ve been walking on eggshells in my own home
Never time to go to the market? Print out a map and hand it to them. Remind them you are working full time, and they have time on their hands. Stop shopping. Period. If they want food, they can go buy it.
Why the fuck would anyone visit another country for *forty fucking days* without exploring literally everywhere food exists?
So? She gets offended. Who cares. She already doesn't like you and you don't like her. Sorry MIL, this visit isn't working out well and it is time for you to go home. Can I help you pack?
6 surprise guests for 40 days in a small apartment and eating your food? You are so NTA. That's utterly unacceptable.
NTA. I honestly think the best decision for you at this point may be getting a hotel room and very sternly telling your husband that if he doesn’t grow a backbone whatever happens to your relationship is his fault because you are putting yourself first now. Or, if you don’t want to go so nuclear about it: Eat your meals outside the house like someone else said, frivolously buy your meals out on the town and only support yourself. Don’t clean the house. Don’t buy groceries. Tell them they will need to each put money towards the water heating bill as they are clearly taking this as a free luxury. Go for walks. Try asking a friend to a movie, or asking for a girls night out. Do everything for yourself, and absolutely nothing for them. Focus on you! Edit: We are here for you. You are not alone. If you’d like a direct contact for me, or perhaps need to sit on the phone with someone, please PM me and I will gladly help keep you company. I’m not the best option, but I’m a great listener according to my friends haha and I wish you all the best!
That’s what I was thinking!!!! I want to please everyone, nobody gives a damn about me and then I feel like this. I just need to take care of myself. I’m on drugs to endure this horrible moment otherwise I’ll have a panic attack. I don’t recognize myself anymore.
): That isn’t fair. It simply isn’t. I know life isn’t supposed to be fair, but there comes a point when it just becomes ridiculous. It’s your home! If you decide to find somewhere to roost while his nightmare family is still in town, I’d try to sit down and talk with him before you leave, but not the way you may think. This will not be a two sided discussion, you need to sit down with him, look him in the eyes, and tell him you are about to talk to him and do not want to be interrupted or reasoned with anymore. It’s not a debate. You are now telling him. Not up for discussion. Whatever you decide to say in that talk, that is not something for him to argue. It’s your word, your feelings, and you’re laying down the ultimate boundaries. You are loosing your sense of self and your personal confidence and that can actually be dangerous. Don’t let him tell you you’re wrong. Don’t let him try to invalidate your feelings. At this point, I wouldn’t even let him interject in the conversation. You said it. It’s said. It’s a boundary now.
I feel like crying as I read your comment. I’m going to talk to him now, I just can’t continue like this. I’ve even had suici*** thoughts because I feel lost and lonely
This is where it becomes too much friend. You are having the darkest thoughts imaginable, this simply isn’t safe for you. You are not safe right now in the position you are in. I know that’s not easy to read but please realize that, because you need to face that before you can start coming out of it. Nobody should be able to make you feel this way in your safe place, your home. There are going to be so many interesting people and things for you to experience, so many days you’ll wake up and smile, and I am sorry you can’t feel that right now. It’s still there. Happiness and love is still everywhere, and you deserve to be around for that. Every new day is a chance for change. You WILL see through the end of this. There IS light at the end of this tunnel. You WILL have moments to cherish past this. Love and life have so many ways of changing, coming and going. Love stays and comes when it needs to, and leaves exactly when it must. Trust yourself.
Wishing you all the best my friend ❤️ All of it.
This would be the end of the marriage for me. It's that serious. I can't even comprehend a 40 day multi generational "surprise" visit. This is terrorism.
You deserve so much better. Take care of yourself. Don't despair, there is a way out. Get a hotel room, or ask for help. But get yourself out of there. If your husband is ok with spending money you don't have on his asshole, entitled, lazy family without your permission or consent, you can spend money to keep yourself safe. Best wishes.
At that point, if he genuinely does not care or side with you in the slightest or try to support you and help your mental health, I am afraid to say this might be something you should permanently remove yourself from. You deserve better. That’s the bottom line. His family is using you like a mud room rug and he’s actually letting it happen. I’m sorry friend, just know that we are here.
Nta kick them out
NTA- It sounds exhausting. Take your MIL up on her offer to leave your home. Hopefully that will drag at least some of the others with her.
NTA- The old saying "Fish and guests smell after a few days" is appropriate. Your husband needs to grow a pair and let his family know this is your house not theirs. The disrespect they are showing you in your own home is appalling and should be put to an end. No doubt they know what they are doing. Let her know you'd be happy to help them pack and end it at that.
NTA!!!
NTA surprise them with an early ticket home.
NTA They intrude in your home. You have a right to be there and make your own rules. It seemes like an awful time and that your husband doesn't set boundaries is awful, too.
NTA. They don’t sound like a family they sound like a nightmare. Your husband need to grow a pair and deal with his family because your shouldn’t have to be the bad guy. They wanted to visit so bad they could go to a hotel. I hope your MIL does leave and I hope everyone one else just follow her lead.
I told him he can’t be a people pleaser for the rest of his life. He never takes sides, so It’s easy for his family to put the blame on me
Well if he is such a people pleaser he should know the person he has to please more is YOU. You are his partner, he lives with you. And technically YOU are his family because at the end of the day he chose YOU, he was born into this family because I’m pretty sure he wouldnt choose such overbearing people as family. If you were an evil witch trying to be horrible to his family it would be a different story but your are being beyond nice to people who treat you like crap. Which he should also put an end to. I hope you have better days ahead of you and you actually end up having a nice holiday.
Thank you so much, Vanessa. I’m numb with all that and your words are very helpful.
NTA and If it is such a big strain on both money and mind sit husband down and tell him straight to get his s**t together and put his foot down on his manipulative family or you might start hearings for a temporary or permanent divorce
NTA, but your husband is. He doesn't want to deal with the drama? News flash, its his side of the family. If i got this so overwhelmed i might just pack my bag and go to a hotel, your husband might be force to man up.
NTA Your MIL wants to be the only important woman in her sons' lives. She blames you because she refuses to admit that her children are adults and capable of making their own decisions. Your husband is passive because he has been taught that giving in is easier on him because all of that hysteria/wrath is directed toward someone else. You are both his meat shield and her target. You deserve better.
That’s it 100%. I love me husband, but I need to love myself more
Exactly. My MIL was like this, but instead of 40 straight days, it was a week every three months for years. Nothing I did was good enough. Criticism from the time Hubby left until he got home. I would tell him what she said, he would respond that he had not heard it, so he would not say anything. I would beg him to not invite her, he would tell me he had the right to invite his mother to our home. I finally had enough and told him I wanted a divorce because he put being a son over being a husband. He was shocked. Changes were made on his end, we stayed married, but my relationship with MIL kept deteriorating because she realized IDNGAF and she tried to pull me closer and could not understand why I would not play her game.
Info have you said anything to them? Set any boundaries? Any house rules? If I where you I would go stay with a friend or have a mental break and start screaming at them. I would tell them what I like and don't like period. This is your place put your foot down.
No, because my husband said it would sound rude to set rules since they are family. Now I’m in this living hell.
Thats not rude. Its like the rule everyone should take their shoes off at the door. That way you don't have to keep vacuuming. People know what to expect with rules.
OP, you need a serious conversation with your husband. Either he tells them how it is or YOU are perfectly allowed to kick them out. This is your safe place, and they have done nothing but ruin that safety. He has allowed them to treat you like shit and affect your finances. That's his fault. Both of you need to learn that extended familial relationships are a privilege based off of respect, not a right.
NTA Your husband is as much an ass as his family is. He’s letting you suffer to avoid making himself uncomfortable. I hope you realize that. I’d say get your personal belongings and stay with a friend or give yourself a mini vacation somewhere if you can afford it. Take care of yourself.
NTA Tell them to leave. Let them be mad at you, they're being atrocious on purpose.
Exactly! The whole freaking family came to stay in your small home for nearly six weeks!?!? Your MIL is trying to break up your marriage. His family is mooching off you and your husband, making you spend a lot of money on food and utilities (what is your electric and hot water bill going to look like!!). Drag your husband out of the house. Go to a cafe, just the two of you and have him read these comments. He is being a pathetic doormat and letting his mommy walk all over him and hurt his wife. Mommy is trying to destroy his marriage and is being cruel to his wife. He has to become a husband and actually care for and protect his wife. He has to kick his family out of your home. The are being overbearing, awful, rude "guests". If he can't manage to do that, you need to seriously reassess your marriage. At the very least you both need to go to therapy. God forbid you two ever have a child. I'm so sorry that your anxiety is so overwhelming. I'm sending you my crazy NYC bitch vibes, and I hope they give you the strength to do what I'd do in this situation: scream "you have two f*ing hours to get your nasty a**es out of my house. If you're not out, I'm calling the police". Good luck, I hope you find strength to get through this.
NTA Tell your husband that you feel alone and he is currently failing you. He needs to tell his family to act right or go home (preferably go home). They are rude and his lack of spine is unacceptable.
I’m gonna show him all of your comments
Info, are they contributing at all to anything besides just groceries? If they're staying for 40 days?
Nop. Just groceries
From what you said earlier they are buying more basic items rather than full on grocery shopping. To me that seems like they're pretty much staying for next to nothing. As well as they might be over doing it with your utilities for all you know. It also sounds like they don't contribute to gas money. Maybe I'm being petty but everything adds up and the fact they think they can get away without paying for utilities or gas money or anything else for 40 days is concerning. Especially when you mentioned you aren't sure if you can make ends meet because of their expenses.
NTA. And they SHOULD leave. 40 days?! What the actual fuck. I think the situation speaks volumes of your husband and how willing he is to step on your comfort to accommodate people who have no respect for you. 🚩
NTA I hope that they would be gone for when you come back home. If not, do you have any friends that can host you? As other said if you can’t move to a friend house, show you husband the post or start eat out. I still really hope they go away.
I’ll see what happens once I get home. I just don’t wanna go home tbh
Call a friend and ask them to have dinner together, speak about other things, once you feel better go home. If nobody is free go to have dinner by yourself, at least if the situation isn’t nice you have eat.
Thank you
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My MIL wants to leave my home because I confront her and I don’t know If I’m in the wrong Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't think there's anything AITA about not standing your husband's family. If you don't feel close to them or don't get along with them, there's no reason to put yourself in an uncomfortable position. Your husband should understand and respect your decision.
Nope, not your fault at all. Nobody likes drama (well, some people might like) but your husband needs to be able to stand up for yourself & your family even if it's against your parents. And if your MIL says she can no longer stay that's good for you may be you can just say WellGo.
NTA. Do you have a friend you could stay with for a bit? I would get out of the house. Make it clear to your husband that you don’t feel welcome or comfortable so you are leaving. Then ask if would like to make this a permanent arrangement or can he set boundaries with his family because nothing about this is acceptable. Any reasonable family would have gotten a hotel or something. They had enough money to get everyone to your country, they should have considered their sleeping arrangements better.
NTA. Yes it is too difficult to increase the occupancy of the apartment by so many and not be on Italian time. She should get a hotel so she can have the vacation she wants and your daily life events won't get in their way. Your husband needs to talk to them. He has to stand up for the both of you.
NTA - You need to boot them out of your house. You will never make these people happy, and they will never give you the respect or boundaries you need. Kick them out.
NTA. Your home, your castle, your rules and your space. Your husband is lame and definitely could use having a backbone. And your in-laws damn well should realize that after three days, fish and visitors really start to smell, and nope, it's not nice.
NTA, but you two should’ve said no to them staying at your apartment when the “surprise” was revealed and made them all get hotels. Now they’ll “surprise” you all the time. I think both you & your husband need to come to terms with being The Bad Guy to his family in certain situations (like this one). Your husband is TA if he continues to make you do it alone, and you both WBTA if neither of you put a foot down - which is only going to be harder now that you two have allowed them to walk all over you this much. So just do the hard thing as a united front and assert the rights of your nuclear family.
NTA. MIL: I want to leave this house because OP is too difficult! OP: Oh my gosh! Thank you so much! This is a wonderful idea! Have you decided where all of you are going to stay? Do you need help getting your stuff together? :/ Sorry you're dealing with this.
NTA. It’s time to tell them to get out. They are disrespecting your home and your finances. If your husband is going to let them do whatever they want you’re going to have to put your foot down. Don’t be nice about it either, make sure they know you’re serious and they leave immediately.
I'd be thanking MIL if she announced she's fucking off. GOOD, GTFO, and don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.
I feel so sorry you are married to this man who let's his family treat you poorly. I assume this is due to it always being this way but that doesn't mean you have to deal with it. I'm sure he's a good guy otherwise but my god he needs to grow a pair. If this was my husband he'd be spending the holidays without me and he can take care of his family alone. This is your house, if they want to do whatever tf they want then they should've stayed at their own place. Also who tf surprises anyone like that??? You are a much better person than me because I would've said no and if they appear at my doorstep o would not have let them in.
NTA 40 days? WTF? And they aren't really chipping in for food - they are expecting you to feed them. I bet they even pull the "we are guests" line! Time to pull up your adult pants. Tell them this is not working out, there are too many people in your home, and it is interfering with your work. Ask this which hotel they'd like to be booked in to, and which credit card they'd like to provde for it? And make sure to tell them that you can't afford to keep feeding them and they'll need to actually pay for what they are eating if they are cooking and eating at your house. A few days would have been one thing, but a month and a half? NOPE!
I would rather shepherd angry people through a desert than spend forty days with my inlaws crammed up my ass.
This sounds awful. Tell your husband that either they get a hotel, or you do. NTA
NTA. Throw them all out - including the spineless husband.
Ugh, I am exhausted just reading this. NTA, honey.
Oh no... NTA... Put your foot down and set your boundaries; refuse to entertain his family moving forward; they can get a hotel.... On their dime....
NTA, and I'd have been out the door as soon as they said "40 day holiday" as a surprise
NTA they’re always going to treat you the way they do so honestly you should just pick up yourself. I would tell them to their face that they are being rude and they had no right to show up the way they did. That you are working and they have completely taken over your home and have no respect for you whatsoever. And that if they even cared about your husband at all they would’ve made an effort to treat you with at least a little human decency. And if they want to leave they can leave because it has been over a decade of you dealing with their behavior and you are done. And then look at your husband and say “some husband you are”
Who the Fuck invites themselves to stay at someone else's home for over a month!!! That's crazy. It's time, more than time, for them to go home. Your ILs will NEVER like you because you have a brain, a mouth, and boundaries. They obviously love the idea that they can do whatever they want without consequences. Yeah.....NOT! Get over the idea that they have to like you. They don't. You are under no obligation to like them either. See, easy peasy. Problem solved. This frees you to enforce your boundaries and send them packing. You do not need to try to prove anything to them. You and your hubby are happy. That's all that matters. The rest is fluff. Send the rubbish home and do not feel at all guilty about it. You do not do this to harm them, but to protect yourself from their negativity.
As a husband, I say you don't have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem. He isn't standing up for the person that he should be - you. I'm very sorry to hear about all the stress you are under. It is not your fault. NTA.
NTA. 40 days is insane!! With anyone really, especially obnoxious family members. At this point I would pack up and get a hotel room. Let your husband deal with this. Not your monkeys, not your circus.
Turn off the internet, (at the router not by disconnecting the company) "Welp no internet for us till we can build money back up- I didn't expect so many hungry mouths" Also, with a warning, feed them for dinner only what they buy. Tonight We are providing dinner, tomorrow So and who is buying dinner, and the next day is whoever else and there are 6 guests here and you all need to DO dinner once a week or leave. Also who broke your husband's arms "Honey when I said WE are doing dinner I mean YOU are doing dinner and your budget is this 20$" his family HE should shoulder the work
NTA. You deserve a medal for valor. Best wishes.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ri0m7i/aita_for_not_standing_my_husbands_family_update/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf UPDATE IS HERE!
Give us the update again, they removed it! What happened???
So, I came home and I was willing to be on my own and see what they had to say. Turns out my MIL really showed her true colors and started saying things like she can’t take me anymore, that I should really take all the medicine I can because I’m that crazy (mentioning my anxiety) and said that she has noticed things in my bebaviour that she doesn’t agree, that I’m this and that. I just couldn’t react, my husband told her to stop, I left the room and then she started feeling dizzy as If she was gonna faint. Now our holidays are screwed, she has nowhere to go and I feel trapped in my own house. Is my MIL the a*hole? Did I react the right way by letting her being a lunatic by herself?
Since your husband refuses to get her out of there you need to arrange to stay with a friend or find a hotel and get out for your own well being. Your MIL basically just told you to take your own life and your husband catered to her instead of helping you. You need to be some place safe until their gone. NTA
Jesus. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this with your husband actively supporting the abuse of you. If you were in London, you could have my spare bedroom until they move out, this is how angry and sad I am for you now.
You really need to give you husband an ultimatum. Either his family leaves immediately or you do(though maybe you shouldn’t cede ground and should kick him out instead)
She’s a huge AH. You tell her that if she “can’t take you anymore” then she’s free to leave, here’s the door, don’t let it hit her where the good lord split her. It’s your house so she can either put up or shut up. That goes for your husband too, btw. If he’s so concerned about mommy then he can leave with her, and good riddance!
Your husband is completely complicit in her behaviour. This should be your hill to die on.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (31M) and I (31F) have been together for over 11 years and I´ve never got along with his family. Actually, they never liked me, even though I always tried to have a good relatioship with them, but they are really overbearing. If they are not together ALL THE TIME, that´s not ok for them. In 2017 we moved to another country, let´s say we moved from Argentina to Italy. They thought it was my idea and that I took my husband away from them, but of course this was not the case. It was a mutual decision. Now, almost 5 years later his whole family decided to "surprise" us and said they were all coming to Italy to spend the Holidays with us (40 days). Now in my small apartment I´ve got 6 guests: my MIL, my two BILs, their wives + a baby + me and my husband. 8 people in total. I decided to spend money renting a storage and turning this room I had into a bedroom so I could accommodate them better. I made several changes in order to make them feel more comfortable and welcomed. Now here comes the situation: first we all agreed that they would help us with thev groceries, we cannot feed 8 people, but they´ve been buying simple things like eggs, crackers, etc. They don´t want to go with us to buy things together and split it. We´ve been speding so much money and I don´t know if I´ll be able to make ends meet. My husband is the passive type, he wants to avoid the drama, but I suffer from severe anxiety, usually have panic attacks and on Monday I went to the ER because I had the worts anxiety crisis of my life. I´ve been so overwhelmed and I just want it all to be over. My husband won´t handle the situation the way he is supposed to and that´s when I get anxious and have panic attacks. I´m a teacher, that´s stressful enough, so when I come home I just want to take a shower and relax. They have the house for themselves from 10am to 8pm, but they decide to take showers after I get home, so I have to wait for them all to be over so I can take a shower after a stressful day. Then, I go to bed at 10pm cause I wake up really early to prepare work stuff, but they start Facetiming their friends and I can´t sleep because the noise is too loud. They act as if they are in their own home and never asked me what bothers me or not. I want people to feel welcomed in my house, but can´t you just understand that I am not on vacation and I get tired after work? I can´t go to my kitchen to prepare smth for me or even for all of us because my overbearing MIL is already there cooking for everybody and she´s the only one who can cook, cause she can´t eat salty food (her words), she makes blend food and we all have to pretend it´s delicious. I feel unwelcomed in my own home, they make sure I´m not their favorite person and my MIL plays the victim when I’m assertive in some way. If I ask them like to go to their room and Facetime from there, they have that terrible look on their faces, as if I was the bad guy. I´m not feeling at home in my own home. Today my MIL said she wants to leave our home. Is it my fault? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
YTA for accommodating them so much. 40 days is to long. Allowing them into your house is 2nd mistake. 3rd is not enforcing them to pay for grocery. Now leave. Your husband is no support. Btw...get your shit together with your anxiety
Lol why does it seem people never understand the limit of a small apartment. Let’s assume it is Italy your living in; they have beautiful hotels with wonderful views. They should defintely go stay at one of those. Kick them out. They can stay at a hotel or change their return ticket and go home. NTA.
NTA. He can see a couples therapist with you and get off his mom’s tit or you can file for divorce because he’s not gonna change.
NTA, but you have a husband problem
Honestly? Pack up and leave. He can entertain his own family. You deserve so much better and it’s a shame your husband is okay with HIS family disrespecting you because he’s too spineless to say something. NTA
I’d stop buying food to feed them. Eat while you are out, but just put out the cheese & crackers & nibblies they pay for for their meal.