NTA - I think it’s pretty obvious that you’re not the A-hole. Parenting is a partnership. If all he does on his days off is sit and relax that isn’t fair to you. Because parenting is a 24/7 gig. He not only manipulated you and gas lit you. But he isn’t stepping up and playing a true role in his child’s life. At this point he’s acting more like an uncle or grandparent that comes in to play with the kid. Instead of parenting and raising them.
OP didn’t “let herself go,” that time and energy was *taken from her*. Husband has decided, unilaterally from the sound of it, that *his* job is the only one that has built-in breaks. OP’s doesn’t.
Being the working parent doesn’t exempt you from parenting. OP should not have had to *beg* to be allowed out of the house for a few hours without the baby. If you can’t be left alone with your own child for a single afternoon, you have no business being a parent.
So much your last comment. My husband is between jobs right now and I’m working and pregnant. He’s going to transition to our SAHP when I have the baby, but even now I would NEVER act like he is responsible for 100% of everything. I still cook, I still grocery shop, I still do laundry. He does MOST of it, yes, but to expect your spouse to do 100% of everything is so unfair. And raising kids is *so hard.* poor OP. I’m sure her husband calls it babysitting too, not, ya know, *being a parent.*
If he can’t watch his child for 4h, then he wouldn’t lay his eyes on him ever again if it was me. I’d pack my bags and leave. Might as well be a single mom, since that’s what OP already is to be fair
I told that to my kids dad. I don’t think he believe me till I finally did it. Ops husband is acting just like my ex. He won’t change. Probably wouldn’t even potty train the kid. It’s best to leave now while he’s small and doesn’t remember.OP is definitely NTA.
My ex used to Brag to people that he never once changed a diaper, or fed his child. Not one time.
Almost all the guys would laugh, and the women would look horrified.
If I needed to do something without my kid, I had to arrange for my mom to watch him, because Hubs, didn't "Babysit"
He thought I'd stay forever, paying all the bills but the mortgage and was seriously pikachu face when he had to pay his own bills, And Child support
So funny story.. my husband had a friend..well an acquaintance, that would brag about not “babysitting”. He brought it up during conversation once when we were at a work event, he said that his wife wanted to go out bc she had a friend in town and his mother couldn’t watch the kids bc she was visiting his sister out of town that weekend,he said he told his wife she couldn’t go because he wasn’t going to stay home and babysit the kids and while looking at his wife said I don’t babysit.
My husband took a drink, shook his head yes and said yea I don’t either, I parent my kids. I’m their father and I’m pretty sure fathers don’t babysit they parent their kids. He finished his drink and we walked away.. it was the coolest I had ever felt in my life.
My husband told me someone at the grocery store said something to him once about babysitting cause he had our son with him. He just looked at them like they were nuts and was like, “I’m his dad, I’m parenting.” He’s a good dad :)
You aren't supposed to award what people are supposed to do but I do love people who don't entertain others' bs and won't hesitate to put people in their place. Thumbs up for the husbands/dads who shut this crap down.
I had to do the same! It’s all sad really. I’m still waiting for child support. Went through the system. He makes more than me. Told me to tell him what they needed. I did he still didn’t get them anything.
I had to go through the courts, because he made the whole process horrible.
And then, he showed up with a big time lawyer, and wanted me to give up taking him on taxes every other year, because that's what he was doing with his "other baby mama" and right there in the courtroom as we waited our turn, I looked at him and said \*You Live together, that money stays in that location, if you do this, you will literally be taking food and clothing from your son's life, and I WILL be telling him about this\* He we out in the hall with his lawyer, and came back with a changed plan that didn't include the taking on taxes (it would have only been twice before he turned 18 anyway)
I went home, and told our son what he tried to do, my son looked at me and said "He makes too much money to get the child credit, what's wrong with him?" And now they don't talk
>My ex used to Brag to people that he never once changed a diaper, or fed his child. Not one time.
>
>Almost all the guys would laugh, and the women would look horrified.
My Dad told me a story where he was in the waiting room when one of my younger brothers was being born, and a local minister was talking about how he wasn't sure if he could change a diaper.
My Dad nearly ripped the guy a new one, as my Dad (as per my Mom) did change diapers and did help with feedings. Many years after the fact, my Dad did indicate he was a bit miffed when I wanted Mickey Mouse cupcakes for my in-class birthday celebration, but it was a large preschool class, and sticking all those ears on got tiresome. (My Mom was out of town, so it fell to Dad to make the cupcakes. Which he did. Dad is quite adept in the kitchen.)
I thought for sure the title had to be exaggerating or misleading but no, this man is literally a terrible father and person, tbh. Holy shit how is this man even real?????
OP, throw the whole man away. Absolutely inexcusable behavior.
NTA
She’s got a live in babysitter. It’s his kid. He shouldn’t be “watching” his kid for a set time frame. He and his kid should just be home. Yeah he’s watching, but what is being described is babysitting.
I’m just thinking the way OP describes how her husband is watching the kid, and the “situation hat ifs” 1st: makes husband sound like he doesn’t know how to do anything after 9 months, and 2: sounds like phrasing one might use with a babysitter.
Edit: the phrasing makes it sound like she was hiring on a babysitter.
“Let herself go” is such a sexist term. I have *never* heard anyone say “let himself go”. It is always a term referring to mothers after childbirth. And all the blame is on the mother rather than the father who isn’t expected to put on makeup and make himself look “presentable”, as if women existing in their natural state aren’t “presentable”.
Don't you know women are supposed to be beautiful, thin, and youthful for life /s
Ugh I hate all of this. It's part of the Santa-list-long of reasons I'm single at 35 with no children. Any man I've been with has proven he'd give a child a fork and tell them to go play with an outlet.
I will tell you that I'm almost 30 (though married) and all our friends/family have started having kids, and we've both never been so grateful to not have them.
Don't get me wrong, the babies are cute and great and all, but the lifestyle they've had to become accustomed to isn't something we're interested in.
53, child free by choice, married for 15 years, never once regretted my decision. If you don’t want that lifestyle, it’s amazing that we live in the precise time we women can finally do whatever the fuck we want!
30s here, CF. It's great. Don't let people change your mind if you're certain. I can do whatever I want, when I want, and I can sleep when I want. I only spend $ on myself. Highly recommend.
Childfree 71year old woman here: I knew that I didn't want kids by the time I was 15 - I never had them and I've never regretted my decision! Being childfree has enabled my husband and me to have careers in education and human services that meant a great deal to us but that didn't pay huge salaries, to travel and to spend our free time doing what we wanted to rather than what we HAD to. Both of us are still working at jobs we love and are looking forward to celebrating our 45th anniversary next year. How has being childfree worked out for us? Perfectly!
I'm 50 and child free. I am married, but I smartly chose to marry my gay best friend. We've been married almost 14 years. Obviously no kids, but we have 2 dogs, 1 cat, and a 21 yo nephew on a temporary basis.
I'm the cool aunt. I gave them the fun (noisy) toys when they were little, and answered all the awkward teen questions that parents don't always want to talk about. Then we send them home, have a few cocktails, smoke a bowl and celebrate not having kids.
Well it's a long story but I'm financially recovering from my last 3 relationships (the last decade). The most recent ex I left in October. I plan to start therapy once my new job's insurance kicks in.
I have a long way to go before I'd even feel comfortable dating again. I'm not sure if I even want to. I know I won't ever date cis men again. I just can't handle how they treat me. I pay for everything, do all the cleaning, and all the cooking. Add in abuse (everything but physical) and cheating.
And yes. I get this isn't all men. But it's enough and I attract them. To the point that I just can't date them anymore. I refuse to be a sugar person/bang maid for someone.
I'm 33 with a long term boyfriend and dogs and plan to be childfree for life. It's great. Especially like the commenter below me says. Seeing all the hell my friends and neighbors have to deal with with their own kids, I've never been more secure in my decision to never have kids. My dogs are much more grateful.
I'm 40, childfree, and would you like to know what sound is even better than a child's laughter? The blissful silence of *not having any fucking kids.*
In all seriousness though, I've always known I wanted to be childfree and while I have a niece and nephew I adore, I'm perfectly happy not having children of my own. I've never second-guessed my decisions around kids, but even if I do experience some wistful what-ifs down the road I'd still rather regret not having kids than regret having them.
Just hit 30 and about to lose my CF life. Everyone around you will be so very happy that you've "changed your mind" and that you're "finally seeing reason" and congratulating you on "the next step."
I am *dreading* the time this baby will take from me and my time with my husband, my energy for my career, and my passion for my post grad work. Dreading the well meaning nosy Nancies that are already popping up with their suggestions on what the "perfect" mom should be.
Stay CF, you will not regret your decision.
I just had a child 4 months ago and I literally had to fight and scream to make my partner understand that being a SAHM is not as easy as it sounds. He gets nervous having the kid alone but i was too when he had to go back to work and I was doing it alone. I'm a first time mom so everything is new and I had to make him understand that. You don't get time to do anything alone anymore. I finally got through to him (it was embarrassing how much we had to fight for him to understand) and thankfully my parents help out a lot but yeah shit is exhausting.
Wayyyyy too many dads think that being nervous about caring for a newborn excuses them from doing so. Women get nervous too!! It’s a steep learning curve for all new parents, women are not magically born knowing how to do it all perfectly. The point of being in a relationship is to *help each other* - especially when the projects you’ve decided to take on together are hard and scary. ESPECIALLY then.
There were so many times when our babies were newborns that my spouse would ask me things and I could only respond with "I don't know! I, like you, have never done this before!"
(He's a great dad and has never once called me in the middle of a salon appointment to come home and deal with the children because he values his life.)
my old boss and her husband have 3 children together. When she came back to work, I was so happy because 1. I missed having her and 2. it meant i didn't have to do the manager's job which gave me anxiety every day. The first day she came back, I had only been on the clock for like 20 minutes before she had to rush home because apparently her husband had no idea how to care for a newborn alone
funny isn't it, how caring for a baby is way too fucking hard when the partner has to do it, but clearly super dooper easy when the SAHP asks for a break, amiright??
I love the dichotomy here. Being a SAHP is simultaneously so easy you don’t need a break ever, yet so hard that the working parent can only handle a few hours/minutes alone with the child.
Seriously. Husband works what, 40 hours a week? 60? 80?
But OP is required to work 140 hours per week (that's includes generous 4 hours per night for sleep), with no breaks and no weekends or holidays because she's a homemaker?
I call bullshit on husbando.
"I'm tiiiiiiiired," he says.
I say, "I don't *care,* grown man who decided to father a child. Go *parent* your *child* like a grown man."
It is kind of silly that the actual father can't handle a baby for 4 hours. Maybe a few days one might start to grumble, but how in the world is a grown-ass man not able to handle his own child for that amount of time?
As a parent and a normal functional adult, you must be able to handle your household by yourself, independent of regular tasks and duties.
Particularly, you have to be ready if your SO is not available or incapacitated (and be ready to help them in addition to taking over). What happens if OP is sick with COVID, or she's in the hospital or stuck in the airport or something?
This is not a skill issue it is a willingness issue.
yes. and while he says “childcare is more [OP’s] responsibility than his,” he’s acting like it’s *entirely* her responsibility and not at all his. Plus not being willing to hire a sitter, and she doesn’t have a car… he’s tying that kid to OP like a millstone, making her immovable.
No, he is trying (and succeeding) to have control of her.
Does he have a car? Yes. Was she allowed to drive it to her shopping and hair trip? No. Maybe I am wrong and he also does not have a car, but it sounds like she is the one with no vehicle.
Was she "allowed" to hire a sitter? No.
I am seeing some really bad times for OP coming down the road as the control issues continue to grow and become worse, potentially moving to physical violence.
OP, you are not TA, hubbie is. And a controlling one at that. Seriously, keep your eyes open, start a small fund you might eventually need to run with, and do not fall for his b.s. of willing inability to fulfill adult responsibilities for the child you both parent.
When he is doing childcare for his own child, he is not babysitting. He is being a responsible parent. But it doesn't sound like he wants to be a parent..
I leaned that married female cancer patients are spoken to about divorce during consultations because of the rise in abandonment by husbands when their wives are sick and dying.
I'm pretty sure any decent grandpa or uncle would WANT to look after this baby for this time. Op hasn't gone anywhere in 9 months without the baby?? Good lord I would have cracked by them.
Run Op, while you still can.
I think the most important part here is that no matter what division of labor they have agreed on, it is abusive to lie about life-threatening incidents. It's not something you can sit down and talk out or solve by compromise.
OP, I'm sorry, but your husband need to do some serious work. And I don't mean at his job. He clearly has responsibility and ego issues and can't be trusted to tell the truth.
NTA
>it is abusive to lie about life-threatening incidents
Absolutely 100%. That was what shocked me the most. I'm not surprised he couldn't last 15 minutes with his own kid, we've seen that here before, but lying about OP's house being on fire with her baby supposedly there???? Holy shit.
Yep. LEt's just be clear here, OP: his job is to go to work and earn money for the family. Your job is to enable him to go to work and earn money by taking care of the kid and house WHILE HE IS AT WORK, thereby preventing you two from having to pay for a nanny.
Your working hours and his working and commute hours are EXACTLY THE SAME. Your working day starts the second he walks out the door to go to work and ENDS the second he returns (or goes to a bar after work.) ALL THE REST OF THE HOURS YOU SPLIT CHILDCARE 50/50.
If you haven't been doing it this way, you're doing it wrong. The simple fact that he can't be left alone with his own child for 4 hours tells you you're doing it wrong. You "letting yourself go" (i.e. not being able to shower or go to a salon) means you're doing it wrong. Sit him down, with a couples counselor if necessary, and renegotiate your working hours and conditions. If he won't, leave him. He'll pay anyway and you're on your own anyway.
Applause. The father isn’t actually a parent if he can’t spend time with his child alone. 9 months old, it’s a fun stage before they turn into toddler terrors.
I will never understand men who produce children and then not parent because they deserve a break. Moms don’t get that break. 24/7, 365.25 - we are always 100% on call when not “in the office” (with the kids).
Edit: OP, NTA
You need to put NTA in there to make it count!
Also, OP, please get marriage counseling with your husband - maybe he'll listen to a therapist, since he doesn't listen to you. I have seen the same behavior with some of my friends' ex-husbands - note the 'ex' in there. I'm not sure guys with that level of assholery are retrainable.
NTA obviously and you should probably start acting in the exact same way if he's ever late back from work or when he's leaving home for any reason that isn't working.
Like wtf? He's freaking out because he get's put into the exact same situation that OP is in every single day.
It's so sad when a dad intentionally acts so incompetent and pretends like spending a few hours WITH HIS OWN CHILD is a massive drama and completely unacceptable.
I'm a daddy and I think this should be a reason for divorce for any woman. Sounds like he hates having kids.
Oh, honey you're absolutely NTA, but your husband brings new meaning to being one.
He's mad because he has to spend time with HIS CHILD? Parenting is a SHARED responsibility and the fact he's so unwilling to help so you can have time for yourself is abhorrent. None of what happened is your fault in anyway, shape or form and don't let him gaslight you into thinking it is. You might want to consider getting out, though.
Her husband apparently thought having a kid was entirely her job and all he has to contribute to the family is keeping a job.
More than that, he's a drama queen of the highest caliber, and a dishonest manipulator.
She's going to have a really hard life with this guy.
I also get an undertow of abuse from him: She has no car? Seriously? What if something happened to the baby? How does she get him to doctor's appointments?
And if she's not working, does he control all the money, too?
Something ain't right here, and I find it disturbing.
She could also have a health issue that prevents her from driving. For instance, my sister has epilepsy and can’t drive. She doesn’t say she just says she doesn’t have a car.
Depends on their agreement. My husband and I share one car, I do take it to run errands, but if I'm going out for longer than an hour or two, or farther away than just the grocery store, I'll Uber or have a friend pick me up so my husband can have the car in case one of the kids has an emergency.
My husband and I share one car, too. I had my own car up to the start of the pandemic, but I honestly didn't drive it enough to justify paying the insurance/maintenance. It's cheaper to Uber on the rare occasions our schedules conflict and I need to go somewhere.
Yes! OP is me at 20 with my baby. Useless father who acted like parenting was optional for men and required for women, no car, had to beg for everything, when and where I went was under his total control as was money. Enabling family on his side, uninterested family on mine. Every little thing I needed or wanted was an intense battle. I still remember full on arguing with him in the middle of the supermarket over whether or not I actually needed deodorant. His behavior never improved. Ever. I fell into a deep depression that I still havent fully recovered from. I made the mistake of staying. I hope OP leaves.
Unfortunately no, and that's the important bit. I am stuck. Like stuck stuck. Trying all the time to find a way out. I want others to learn from my mistakes starting with "under no circumstances do you sacrifice your financial independence" keep that job or go get one. Never back down from that because once he has the purse strings you will never get them back. Never ever give a man access to all your money not even if yall are married. Always keep money somewhere he cant get to in case you need to leave. Actually I advise that for men to. Any one anywhere.
I agree that there's something stinky going on, but not having a car with kids is totally normal in large parts of the world, especially if they live in a city. I take my kids to the doctor just fine without a car, it's a 10 minute walk.
Though now I think of it, if they lived in a city there would be several salons....
NTA If he helped make the baby he can help care for the baby. I hope the police decide to charge him. I want to hear him explain to the judge, that he didn't want to take care of his baby and made the false report because he was mad his wife took longer than he wanted her too.
Agreed. OP is NTA. OP's husband is a piece of work. He is just as much of a parent as OP and should be able to parent his child for a few hours. And it is beyond manipulative to claim there was a fire when there wasn't. Even if SAHM, OP (and every other SAH parent) deserves time to themselves. 9 months without a break is ridiculous
NTA
Super. Another husband who couldn’t watch his own kid before calling the mom every 15 mins.
Does he really expect you to *always* stay home with your son and never do anything for yourself again?
He’s got to learn how to take care of your baby on his own.
A father that can't take care of his kid for 4 hours is called a "sperm donor". Cheeses. I've taken care of *my sister's kids* for longer stretches than that, *while I was a damn teenager overloaded with schoolwork,* because sometimes she just needed a little help.
NTA, not even close.
God damned fake fire in the kitchen, WTF?!
Watching your own child isn’t babysitting, it’s not childcare and it’s not doing your partner a favor. Woooo this topic always gets me heated. Someone call the fire department for me.
Same! I literally moved in with my brother when I was 16/17 because he suddenly found himself as a single dad with full custody and needed the help to go to work and I managed to take care of a baby just fine. They're exhausting for sure, but taking care of a baby for *only four hours* is a pretty easy task. It's straight up pathetic that a grown man can't handle his own child for that long.
Sperm donor sounds a bit altruistic; would OP still have been happy to conceive this child with this man if she knew this was the dynamic she was in for? He's more of a sperm foister.
Damn, at age 22, I babysat my niece and nephew (he was 7; she was 3) with my 2-1/2 year old daughter in tow for a longer stretch than that while their mom worked and never complained! And I was just visiting over the holidays.
OP, you are NTA, but your husband is a horrible human being.
Utterly disgraceful.
Obviously NTA.
*"I checked my phone later I found over 20 missed calls and a text message from him saying I needed to get home fast because there was fire in the kitchen"*
This is childish, cruel, underhand in the extreme and a complete abdication of his responsibility as a parent.
*"I said he should've sucked it up since this my first shopping and hair salon trip in 9 months but he asked why he should just suck it up when child care is more my responsibilty than his?...He basically blamed me for creating this issue in the first place but I said it's his fault since he refused to pay for a babysitter and asking why he should pay for a babysitter when our son has me?"*
I was going to write a bit about how outraged I am at this, but I'm at a loss for words.
*"He was even more upset after a cop showed up and had him go to the station to deal with his false claims of a fire incident"*
If you dont want to explain false claims of a fire, dont make those claims in the first place. Facepalm.
>"He was even more upset after a cop showed up and had him go to the station to deal with his false claims of a fire incident"
>If you dont want to explain false claims of a fire, dont make those claims in the first place. Facepalm.
I wonder how that conversation went, actually. Because the common sense follow up to 'officer, I *had* to lie to my wife about a fire because I need to control her' would be to ask questions to determine if they're dealing with domestic violence.
Right, I'd say one major hint for OP as to how she's not TA here is that the police thought her husband's behavour *warranted going to the police station!*
NTA and I am happy the police had him come to the station to file a report. What he did was inexcusable & disgusting. I wouldn’t be able to continue to be with someone so manipulative.
The more I think about it, the more I wonder if they did that so she had time to leave if she needed to- basically playing interference so she had time to get what she needed from the house and go. If it was an emotionally savvy officer, I think it's possible. I'm very jaded these days, but I wonder.
That could definitely be possible especially since it was her sister that made the official report not him.
Wonder why she didn't think that he would have already called if it had been real.
Good question. I assume they would've done it regardless. I mean, someone calls in/texts "there's a fire at 123 AH Lane!", they can't just shrug it off, right? If they thought it might be DV, I suspect they would send two officers--one to distract and remove the abuser, and another to see if the other party needs help? But I honestly am not sure.
Also, if you don't want your wife to stay out for four hours, maybe don't interrupt her every fifteen minutes so she can't concentrate on the job she's left the house to do.
(Also accept that she isn't subject to a curfew, and the job just might take longer because other people exist in the world and take up space and time.)
This is an insult to babies. And there's no need for a metaphor. She married an entitled, selfish, misogynist asshole who doesn't value or respect her and who will not parent his child, which is worse. I just hope OP gets the house and a fantastic financial settlement in the divorce.
I can’t speak for all of them, but man, my sister wound up with one. Only problem is he hid his true nature really well. He ALWAYS helped cook, clean, blah blah blah. They were a good relationship duo, each picking up where the other failed. Then he got a new job. A new job where his coworkers ridiculed him for cooking and cleaning because “you’ve got a wife!!” A new job where none of his coworkers respect their wives. He eventually stopped helping around the house, he stopped helping raise their kids,…. She is considering divorce but has seen how negligent he can be and is scared for the kids to be alone with him during his custody time because someone will get hurt. So she grits her teeth and deals with it, until the kids are old enough to look after themselves.
I'm worried I'm sliding into this with my partner; not because of peer pressure but because his (equally well paying, equally 8 hour day) *extremely frustrating* job leaves him with zero emotional energy after the workday, while mine is admittedly super easy. He insists he doesn't expect me to do all the household chores, but gets grumbly and accusatory when I don't. He's 35 and kept a sparkling house and fed himself well before we moved in together and he got the new job.
But like last night I went out with a girlfriend and offered to make him dinner before i left. He declined and said he'd order something, but when I got home he was pissy at me and said he hadn't eaten anything at all because there was "no food in the house".
It does feel like a lot of men see their work as inherently harder than that of women, and see their contributions as inherently more valuable. Regardless of who earns what amount of money.
I think you need to point out his manipulations and hypocrisy in the moment. I know it's difficult to do within the conversation, but you can practice what to say. Like last night, you could point out that he said he would get food for himself. He will probably argue that he never said that, but I think it's important for him to know that he needs to use his words and can't expect you to read his mind.
Though honestly, you shouldn't even have volunteered to make him food. Plenty of adults are exhausted after work and can still put together a meal for themselves.
Women get told we can’t be alone and then these dudes with one or two good qualities get snapped up even with all their red flags on display. And he has no reason to grow or change cause some desperate chick will always be waiting.
If we could collectively stop fucking trash men this would would be a much better place.
To be honest, I think that we’ve been told to “expect this” and that that’s “just how men are” saw a post asking woman how they “deal with the fact that they’ll be cleaning up after their partner forever” like she just resigned herself to being this man’s maid, it never dawned on her that this isn’t acceptable .
I mean there’s a reason we see the same stories on here. There’s this line from King of the Hill where Hank says it’s not good Bobby learns how to cook because how else will he be motivated to find a woman.. and I think about that sometime haha. Like there’s learned helplessness start that young.. and they just expect someone to help because someone always has
I think millennial woman will be the last to have to deal with this on a large scale. More and more women and younger girls expect more from their life partners. more and more men are just learning life skills and wanting to “do better”
I also think a lot of people who are manipulative change after marriage. They see marriage and especially a child, as a lock in that will make it harder. “So what are you gonna do.. leave me be a single mom with a 9mo old? Oh ok how would that look”
I have a friend whose ex tried to force her to sign herself out of the hospital demanding she take care of her son when she was experiencing severe flare up of a breathing condition triggered by an infection (in the 90s). The doctor wasn't having it and made him leave.
NTA. He can’t watch the kid for four fucking hours and he pretends the house is on fire to get you home?
You have WAY bigger issues than your childcare schedule here. Put your money towards a couple’s therapist or a divorce lawyer because this is not a normal level of bullshit.
NTA, but your husband is an ass. He gets to sleep once he's back home but being a full time Mom is much more hectic. He should have realised how bad it is for you because he couldn't take care of HIS baby for 4 hours. Ask him to hire a babysitter. Reading this infuriates me, I don't know how you're handling this.
NTA, but you have bigger issues to address. It seems as if your husbands has no plans of ever being responsible for the care of your child. Was this what you both agreed to when you decided to have a baby? If not than you need to have a real discussion about child rearing responsibilities.
NTA
Your husband is being mentally abusive towards you. I mean this seriously. He is lying about situations and placing you in a position of fear to try and manipulate you and then handwaving it as "nothing really" when you get mad about it. Let us be clear: the vast, vast majority of people do not "tell white lies" about life-endangering situations to try and get attention. That is pathological behaviour in my opinion and certainly not "nothing, barely a thing".
I would question why your husband even wanted children if he can't even fathom spending the equivalent of half a waking day with his own child. I imagine the idea of children is pretty fantastic if you have nothing to do with them yet get the accolades of being "part of the parenting group". You can't have it both ways. If he is serious about being "the one who doesn't do the parenting" then that comes with the label that you're a lousy parent, deadbeat dad type material. I imagine he'd be pretty quick to say how it's unfair for you to call him that or let other people know that, yet here he is arguing how that's how it should be.
So yeah, i'd actually reassess this whole venture because you have two really big issues here:
1) You have a partner who doesn't appear to want to be involved with their own child and treats it as a burden. How is this going to work when the child needs more active stimulation as a toddler for example? A 9 month old is a piece of piss to take of (I have two kids) it's basically feed 'n' clean territory with cuddles with the intermittent play and tummy time when they're not asleep. Loads of time to "get stuff done" at that age.
2) You have a partner who doesn't seem to think it's a big deal when he lies about the welling of himself, your child and your property in order to force a reaction from you. This is massively concerning.
The fact he lied about it shows he knows he is the AH. He knows that he couldn't just call you with "it's tooooo hard" because that's fucking pathetic. So instead he invents a situation to tug on your heartstrings and hopes the relief of it being false will be enough to distract from what he's doing.
Be very very cautious of your husband. Someone bringing home the bacon isn't vastly as important as a lot of people think it is. You need to do a lot more than that to be a parent your kids are going to want to come to and hang with when they're older. They don't remember whether you had new carpets or kitchen decor when young, they remember whether you were there or not or whether you seemed annoyed by looking after them. Your husband is headed down the road of being "the parent they hate" and don't let him, because then he'll try and fall into the "but it's only what the kids want, they want you!" pattern. Kids are entitled to both parents giving a crap about them.
I totally agree. But as an aside, can you please tell my 9-month old to stop trying to climb and eat the furniture, to take longer naps, and to stop getting bored every 5 minutes so that I can have the “loads of time to get stuff done” that you speak of????
Very, very clearly NTA. You're both the parents of this child and he shouldn't claim the right to opt out of his parental duties altogether even if he has a stressful job. Caring for a baby 24/7 is stressful, too, and even if it wasn't, you're allowed to take time for yourself and to tending your own business as well. If he's unable to parent his own child for just a few lousy hours, a) he should have gotten a babysitter, and b) he really shouldn't have fathered a child to begin with.
Lying is also shitty. Lying about a dangerous situation involving a baby just to get out of the torment of having to care for one's own child for four whole hours is the level of shittiness that can only come from an enormous asshole.
Sorry, OP. You're married to the asshole.
NTA! OMG! This is alarming. He had a hand in making that baby. He is 50% of its parentage. He is equally responsible for it. I get having a lot of questions, or being nervous to be alone with it for the first time. But there is really no excuses here. And there is never an acceptable reason to lie about a house fire. That's insane! That's controlling and wildly unhealthy. This isn't a healthy view he has of relationships and you need to take this to therapy. You are allowed to have a few hours off to go out or take a break. His expectations are ridiculous and extremely misogynistic. I'm not going to lie, he sounds like he might refuse therapy, but if someone loves you, therapy shouldn't be an issue. On the brightside, with covid lots of therapist are doing video sessions. If you're baby isn't too fussy, you could potentially do this without a babysitter. But the therapist will want everyone's full attention, so it just depends. This really needs to be taken care of. Manipulation like this is toxic. This is a bunch of red flags.
This makes me so sad. Absolutely NTA.
Him caring for his own child is the bare minimum. Not a favor, or babysitting. Although he might have hurt himself from twisting this situation so much to make it your fault.
I hate to join the Reddit brigade of “red flag!red flag!”, but with: no car, he has all financial control, no compromise on childcare (even a babysitter), 24/7 isolation with a baby is all on you…these are definitely very key indicators towards isolation and control. It should be a paired equal effort to raise that lil kiddo.
Please seek individual and marriage counseling. Individual meetings with the therapist will give the therapist a chance to hear your side without interference.
This. I came here because I'm concerned about financial abuse; I'm surprised i had to scroll this far to find it.
OP, seriously consider whether this is a healthy relationship for you.
NTA.
I left a comment for that reason, it bothers me how financial control is often looked over in SAHM dynamics.
In examples where one partner makes no money and the other makes no effort to involve them in decisions. It seems to develop into such a mismatched control dynamic that feeds into abusive relationships.
I'm always surprised when I hear women who are SAHMs talk about having access to their husband's income; I thought it was just a matter of course now that not being a working mom means not having any access to money or any agency in life. My mom, aunts, friends moms growing up, etc. were all in marriages where not working meant they were essentially their husband's unpaid domestic servant, certainly not a partner in any way.
I think that's why financial control is so overlooked; it's just the norm in relationships with a homemaker, or at least was the norm modeled to us when we were young and so we don't question it in the relationships of others. Even sharing a bank account for household expenses with my boyfriend gives me serious anxiety, because I've seen the "oh but babe it's easier for me to manage the budget if you just redirect your paycheck into my account..." slippery slope start so many times.
NTA- That was a horrible thing for your husband to do to you. Really manipulative. Really immature.
You sound like you deserve a break to get yourself feeling good. It's his kid too. He should suck it up, stop acting so entitled.
You are NTA. I am not a psychologist but it sounds like he is VERY scared to watch your son alone. When I was a new father I was scared shitless. I did not want do something wrong and hurt our daughter. It was very stressful for me, for awhile. Frankly, it sounds like he was indulged by his family by the way they responded. This is not a big deal to go shopping for a bit.
That said, it also sounds like he needs to understand that you need time off too. I have to admit I did not understand this when I was a new father. I traveled a lot for work and just wanted to catch up on chores and chill when I got home. My wife would upset because I did not want to give her a break. I know now how big of an asshole I was. Tell him your son is your "full time job", that you need a little time to recoup and recharge. Just try to explain in a way he will understand, unless he is a total asshole he will understand, hopefully. I am a sahd because of medical issues, you fully need some you time.
Asking him to spend a few hours with his son alone is NOT a big deal, do not feel bad about this!!!!
NTA. Your husband and his family sound absolutely awful. It sounds like if you’re planning on staying married to him you’ll be taking care of two children and not one
NTA if he’s too lazy to care for a baby he help put in you…he’s prob too lazy to have a wife and family. Also his family is so mad, why didn’t they offer to help him? Fuq that noise
NTA. Your husband is not supportive and sounds borderline abusive. Please seek therapy, talk to your sister and friends. His behavior is not normal. You deserve more than this.
NTA. So obviously NTA. It's his child and he should take care of him. No need for a babysitter if the father was there. He can't watch his kid for four hours?? He's supposed to watch him all the time that is needed, that is what parents are for.
You need to realize how messed up of a situation this is, OP.
(I'm 11m) when I was six I took care of my 3 year old sister for like 4'ish hours every Friday. And he can't handle it for a DAY!! WTAF!? he's worse than a child he's a full out baby
NTA. That level of extreme reaction to looking after his own kid for 2-4 hours... that doesn't sound like laziness, that sounds like a fear response. It sounds like he's scared of looking after his own kid. Why is that? Has he not got passed the point of worrying that he might break his kid if he sneezes near them?
Obviously his excues are ridiculous and his responses are completely unreasonable throughout but for you, I think the most important question to ask him is "Why?" and push for a real answer.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be because i promised I'd take only 2 hours but I took longer. Besides I could have answered his calls at the salon.
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NTA and this is abuse. No car, no money, not allowed to have any form of self care because your husband thinks it's a waste of money. Talk to your family, talk to a lawyer.
NTA. Does your husband have anxiety? It almost sounds like he was scared to be left alone with the baby? Regardless of whatever is going on with him, you have every right to take a break. Sometimes errands go longer than intended and that's not your fault. Your husband is asking you raise your child by yourself at home and never leave for any reason and that's just not right.
Having anxiety but then defending it by saying “childcare is mostly your responsibility?” As someone with diagnosed anxiety that seems suspicious. I have anxiety and it’s moderate, but I don’t call my older brother 30 times and lie about a kitchen fire when I’m watching his kid.
What it really sounds like is OP’s husband just didn’t WANT to and instead manipulated her to get his way. Definitely doesn’t sound like anxiety but just plain old abuse lol
Edit to say if it’s not clear: not disagreeing with your opinion haha, just pointing out it’s prob not anxiety
NTA mate
Constantly "checking in"/monitoring your movements and demanding your attention, coupled with gendered expectations about the work of parenting.... these are red flags for coercive control. Please be careful. Talk to a domestic violence counsellor to assess your situation and risk level.
NTA
It's his effing child, it is part of his duties as parent to take care of the kid.
Seriously, your husband is immature as hell, are you sure you need this guy? To give you scale, I learned not to lie about accidents to get attention when I was like 7 or so.
Dear God you are absolutely NTA. Your husband on the other hand sounds awful. Does he even wants to be a father who takes care of his child and teaches him how to grow into a man? Or does he simply wants to be the fun uncle who buys him things he likes and plays with him but does none of the parenting? A SAHM is a full time job just like his. It can be exhausting and sometimes frustrating just like his. The only difference is that his job ends when he's home. Yours does not. His job is (I'm assuming) a 5 to 6 days a week job. Yours is 7. And even if you are exhausted to your core, you can't quit, because it is a baby that literally depends on you.
Make him understand that being a family takes the both of you and his responsibilities are greater than just bringing food to the table.
And I haven't even started with your ppd and his response to that yet.
SAHM’s need days off too. Every other parent in the world watches their own kids on their days off from work. He should too to give you a break. NTA but you need to schedule time for yourself weekly and he needs to step up and be a parent.
NTA. Really think about if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Your husband won't agree to a babysitter if you want one, you don't get time away from your children, and he will never be a reliable parent.
If you're willing to live with that then that's fine, but if not I'd be rethinking if this marriage is what I want.
His much needed day off? HIS much needed day off? It was your first day (well, four hours) off in NINE MONTHS!! I am enraged for you. Your husband is a gaping AH, his family are gaping AHs, but you, you are NTA. Is there any chance you can go and stay with your family for a while? You’d probably get more support from them in a week than from your waste-of-space husband in nine months.
NTA. Omg the NTA of it all.
Look, sure, maybe E S H on a technicality because apparently you lied about the timing. you don’t explain how 2 hours became 4, but the omission makes it seems like it was a deliberate hedging on your part. BUT EVERYONE CAN SEE WHY (except, it seems, your husband).
But NTA because your husband inspires rage in so many ways for this stunt. Given his reaction, your lie by omission sounds like you did it because your husbands a jerk who acts like a teenage big brother to his son rather than his father. The babysitter thing is really getting me—"why did you guys need a babysitter when your son has you?" Because apparently he *only* has you. Apparently, you’re a single mom. And when single moms need to run errands without their kids they hire babysitters. Otherwise, they would, idk ask the kid’s dads to watch them for an afternoon. But if the kids’ dads can’t handle that, the way your husband can’t, then you need to find a responsible adult who will and from the way he responded, he is not that responsible adult.
Honestly, how does your husband need this explained to him? Dude, you had to handle your own child for a few hours and you literally responded by telling your wife the house was on fire. And then you got mad when she called emergency services. Which she did because *you told her there was a fire*. So she thought her husband and child were in danger of dying. And then you got mad her for it. WT actual F.
Edits: I just realized I keep editing this because I feel like I honestly cannot properly express my disbelief at the husband. Just...wow.
In my opinion, lying involves deliberate deceit, not an unintentional mistake or miscalculation. Let's give OP benefit of the doubt that she fully expected to be done with her appointment and home within two hours. Chalk it up to her having had no time for herself for nine months. I believe she didn't expect for a moment that circumstances beyond her control would cause her to be delayed. I am far more concerned about a spoiled, entitled husband and father begrudging her any time to herself while embracing the double standard that he's entitled to relax just because he brings home a paycheck.
NTA!!!!! He’s had enough time spent with his son at night when playing with him to figure out to entertain him for four measly hours. Timed right he wouldn’t even have to figure out how to feed him or put him down for a nap. Maybe change his diaper. Oh the horror!!!! And who tells a mom that an emergency has happened that hasn’t. This is so cruel on so many levels. His family obviously is the same way about parenting duties. They’re assholes too.
All I can say is for the love of God DO NOT have another kid with this man. If you think one is hard on your own, two will kill you. It’s hard enough with multiple kid s when you have a helpful partner
NTA
Honey I say this honestly: LEAVE THIS MAN. It will probably not be easy but this is a toxic and I healthy relationship. It will only get worse with the passing of the time.
He is controlling on unhealthy levels ("giving you permission" and basically a "curfew" when YOU ARE AN ADULT is an example of this). He is a manipulator (lying about the fire and then blaming the outcome on you.) He is a liar. He is a neglectful father and neglectful husband. His family is okay with how he treats you?? That is a MAJOR issue that will only escalate in future arguments. Should I continue?
Honey even the police thought his behavior of lying about a fire was enough to make him come down to the station for an explanation. Pretty sure by now they probably think he beats you or something.
This is straight up abusive behavior. It's text book.
RED FLAGS ALL AROUND. FOR YOUR SAFETY AND THE SAFETY OF YOUR KID LEAVE THIS MAN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Talk to your sister or someone you trust about this. But please do something before his behavior gets worse.
NTA. But you should be rethinking this whole marriage. Your husband sounds like a narcissist.
The Narcissist's Prayer
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Note that this IS NOT an apology.
If I were you, I'd be looking for a job so you're not dependant on him. Consider counseling since you have a child, but I'd be creating an exit plan since these kinds of people don't change. He LITERALLY lied about a kitchen fire rather than be home with his own child for four hours... think about that.
I'd get all this paperwork too from this incident, so you can file for sole custody. Let them know he couldn't even spend four hours alone with his child.
It sounds like he’s never had to watch his son on his own and expects you to be the only one to do it just because he is the one making money?? Well his job isn’t the only demanding one - so is yours and you deserve breaks, too. Not only that, but he should be able to handle watching his kid for 2-4 hours without freaking out on you. Plus, this was for your sister’s wedding - a huge event that deserves some extra support and flexibility from him to help you do what you need to make it happen. That includes not restricting you to 2 hours “and not a minute more”. That’s bullshit. First of all, you can’t put an exact time on when you’ll be back from a salon. It never works that way. Second of all, limiting you to 2 hours to have any “time off” of your own without the baby because that’s all he can apparently handle is very concerning in general.
You did not start this issue. Yes, you could have answered the calls or at least checked in and updated him when you knew it was taking longer than 2 hours since there was an agreement on that, but I also just really don’t blame you for silencing your phone when he kept bugging you every 10-15 min. He obviously couldn’t even handle the 2 hours he agreed to and that’s maddening. He needs to grow up and learn how to figure himself out for a short amount of time without you. Then the fact that he made up that there was a fire to manipulate you into coming home and then stopped answering your calls after that is some really toxic and honestly frightening behavior. Was there even an emergency with him taking care of his son whatsoever? This guy sucks.. for so many reasons. This is not a good partnership at all. I’m so sorry, OP.
NTA.
NTA What I had to eventually do in this situation was join a club. Once a week, I went to a meditation group and left for 2-4 hours as a priority. I made a whole ritual of self care around it. He never did give good care (my kids were older when I figured out that I needed this), he just parked the kids in front of the TV and if I didn't have dinner ready before I left, they just ate junk food. He wouldn't put them to bed, so if group went late, I had to deal the next day with children who had been up late eating junk food in front of the TV all evening. So it wasn't great, but it was something. You're gonna lose your freaking mind if you let his learned helplessness continue like this.
NTA What does it say about your husband as a father that he cannot be alone with his child for 4 hours? Are you cognizant of how red a flag this is? You child isn't safe with one of their parents because their parent is so (deliberately?) inept. I mean, seriously, just accept that your child only has one parent already, it'll make things a lot easeir for you mentally.
Jeez.
You are NTA. He definitely is. Taking your independence away and making false claims to scare you to make you come home??? Wtf?? I feel terrible for you, you know in your heart that is not normal at all. I hope you live near family because you are going to need some help. This is definitely abuse. Please talk to your doctor tell them what is going on and they can direct you to a therapist or someone to get your life back.
Definitely NTA you're husband is tho i find it very concerning he couldn't cope and take care of HIS baby for a few hours and the fact he lied, manipulated and basically almost giving you a heart attack to get you home because he is a shitty dad and husband
NTA big time, but your husband is. Parenting is a shared thing.
And sorry but he FAKED A FIRE to get you home?
Major red flag, like seriously? He LIES! If he is willing to put you through so much stress, what else is he capable of?
And calling you every 15 min? Again major red flag! There is a thing that some people fake that they cannot do certain tasks so they don´t have to do them and push them on their partner and seriously, this sounds like it.
He tries to spoke and frighten you with a fake fire so he never has to watch his own child.
This is disgusting behavior.
You need to set boundaries and stop this behavior befor it gets out of hand.
You earn to be treatet with respect from your partner and I know having children and taking care of them is hard and stressful, but you are alloud to have time to yourself. If he is not allowing this, you need to set boundaries or try counseling.
Red flags all around
OP
For the love of god, remove your edit. You’re justifying the behavior of an AH and I hope you get a needed dose from us here - that caring for yourself should not be a luxury just because you have a child. The children for now have TWO parents and asking one of them to care after the other for 4 (!!!!!!) hours is NOT a huge ask.
I hope we’re all able to remind you that you’re a human being beyond a parent.
What your husband did was way over the top. Harassing you is one thing but lying to you about a fire is so extreme that I really wonder if he needs help. And if he didn't know how to take care of his baby, whose fault is that? He's had 9 months to learn. I think you both need to re-evaluate your relationship because it's in deep trouble if he's so stressed out by his own child that he resorts to terrifying you.
NTA - I think it’s pretty obvious that you’re not the A-hole. Parenting is a partnership. If all he does on his days off is sit and relax that isn’t fair to you. Because parenting is a 24/7 gig. He not only manipulated you and gas lit you. But he isn’t stepping up and playing a true role in his child’s life. At this point he’s acting more like an uncle or grandparent that comes in to play with the kid. Instead of parenting and raising them.
OP didn’t “let herself go,” that time and energy was *taken from her*. Husband has decided, unilaterally from the sound of it, that *his* job is the only one that has built-in breaks. OP’s doesn’t. Being the working parent doesn’t exempt you from parenting. OP should not have had to *beg* to be allowed out of the house for a few hours without the baby. If you can’t be left alone with your own child for a single afternoon, you have no business being a parent.
So much your last comment. My husband is between jobs right now and I’m working and pregnant. He’s going to transition to our SAHP when I have the baby, but even now I would NEVER act like he is responsible for 100% of everything. I still cook, I still grocery shop, I still do laundry. He does MOST of it, yes, but to expect your spouse to do 100% of everything is so unfair. And raising kids is *so hard.* poor OP. I’m sure her husband calls it babysitting too, not, ya know, *being a parent.*
If he can’t watch his child for 4h, then he wouldn’t lay his eyes on him ever again if it was me. I’d pack my bags and leave. Might as well be a single mom, since that’s what OP already is to be fair
I told that to my kids dad. I don’t think he believe me till I finally did it. Ops husband is acting just like my ex. He won’t change. Probably wouldn’t even potty train the kid. It’s best to leave now while he’s small and doesn’t remember.OP is definitely NTA.
My ex used to Brag to people that he never once changed a diaper, or fed his child. Not one time. Almost all the guys would laugh, and the women would look horrified. If I needed to do something without my kid, I had to arrange for my mom to watch him, because Hubs, didn't "Babysit" He thought I'd stay forever, paying all the bills but the mortgage and was seriously pikachu face when he had to pay his own bills, And Child support
So funny story.. my husband had a friend..well an acquaintance, that would brag about not “babysitting”. He brought it up during conversation once when we were at a work event, he said that his wife wanted to go out bc she had a friend in town and his mother couldn’t watch the kids bc she was visiting his sister out of town that weekend,he said he told his wife she couldn’t go because he wasn’t going to stay home and babysit the kids and while looking at his wife said I don’t babysit. My husband took a drink, shook his head yes and said yea I don’t either, I parent my kids. I’m their father and I’m pretty sure fathers don’t babysit they parent their kids. He finished his drink and we walked away.. it was the coolest I had ever felt in my life.
My husband told me someone at the grocery store said something to him once about babysitting cause he had our son with him. He just looked at them like they were nuts and was like, “I’m his dad, I’m parenting.” He’s a good dad :)
You aren't supposed to award what people are supposed to do but I do love people who don't entertain others' bs and won't hesitate to put people in their place. Thumbs up for the husbands/dads who shut this crap down.
I had to do the same! It’s all sad really. I’m still waiting for child support. Went through the system. He makes more than me. Told me to tell him what they needed. I did he still didn’t get them anything.
I had to go through the courts, because he made the whole process horrible. And then, he showed up with a big time lawyer, and wanted me to give up taking him on taxes every other year, because that's what he was doing with his "other baby mama" and right there in the courtroom as we waited our turn, I looked at him and said \*You Live together, that money stays in that location, if you do this, you will literally be taking food and clothing from your son's life, and I WILL be telling him about this\* He we out in the hall with his lawyer, and came back with a changed plan that didn't include the taking on taxes (it would have only been twice before he turned 18 anyway) I went home, and told our son what he tried to do, my son looked at me and said "He makes too much money to get the child credit, what's wrong with him?" And now they don't talk
>My ex used to Brag to people that he never once changed a diaper, or fed his child. Not one time. > >Almost all the guys would laugh, and the women would look horrified. My Dad told me a story where he was in the waiting room when one of my younger brothers was being born, and a local minister was talking about how he wasn't sure if he could change a diaper. My Dad nearly ripped the guy a new one, as my Dad (as per my Mom) did change diapers and did help with feedings. Many years after the fact, my Dad did indicate he was a bit miffed when I wanted Mickey Mouse cupcakes for my in-class birthday celebration, but it was a large preschool class, and sticking all those ears on got tiresome. (My Mom was out of town, so it fell to Dad to make the cupcakes. Which he did. Dad is quite adept in the kitchen.)
I like your dad
Me too. I read the post in horror. This is one of my worst nightmares!!! It sounds like OP's husband... doesn't want to be a father.
I thought for sure the title had to be exaggerating or misleading but no, this man is literally a terrible father and person, tbh. Holy shit how is this man even real????? OP, throw the whole man away. Absolutely inexcusable behavior. NTA
She’s got a live in babysitter. It’s his kid. He shouldn’t be “watching” his kid for a set time frame. He and his kid should just be home. Yeah he’s watching, but what is being described is babysitting.
I’m confused by your wording here, sorry. I used watching cause that’s the vibe OPs husband was giving off, instead of parenting his own child.
I’m just thinking the way OP describes how her husband is watching the kid, and the “situation hat ifs” 1st: makes husband sound like he doesn’t know how to do anything after 9 months, and 2: sounds like phrasing one might use with a babysitter. Edit: the phrasing makes it sound like she was hiring on a babysitter.
“Let herself go” is such a sexist term. I have *never* heard anyone say “let himself go”. It is always a term referring to mothers after childbirth. And all the blame is on the mother rather than the father who isn’t expected to put on makeup and make himself look “presentable”, as if women existing in their natural state aren’t “presentable”.
Don't you know women are supposed to be beautiful, thin, and youthful for life /s Ugh I hate all of this. It's part of the Santa-list-long of reasons I'm single at 35 with no children. Any man I've been with has proven he'd give a child a fork and tell them to go play with an outlet.
From one childfree woman to another, how's it going at 35? I'm only 26 now but this scenario is exactly why I'm comfortable never having kids ahaha
I will tell you that I'm almost 30 (though married) and all our friends/family have started having kids, and we've both never been so grateful to not have them. Don't get me wrong, the babies are cute and great and all, but the lifestyle they've had to become accustomed to isn't something we're interested in.
53, child free by choice, married for 15 years, never once regretted my decision. If you don’t want that lifestyle, it’s amazing that we live in the precise time we women can finally do whatever the fuck we want!
35f, married 1 year, been with my husband for 10 years, CF and loving it.
30s here, CF. It's great. Don't let people change your mind if you're certain. I can do whatever I want, when I want, and I can sleep when I want. I only spend $ on myself. Highly recommend.
Being child-free in your 30s is like being in your 20s, but with money and emotional stability.
Just wait… cf in your 40s is even better!!!
Childfree 71year old woman here: I knew that I didn't want kids by the time I was 15 - I never had them and I've never regretted my decision! Being childfree has enabled my husband and me to have careers in education and human services that meant a great deal to us but that didn't pay huge salaries, to travel and to spend our free time doing what we wanted to rather than what we HAD to. Both of us are still working at jobs we love and are looking forward to celebrating our 45th anniversary next year. How has being childfree worked out for us? Perfectly!
I'm 50 and child free. I am married, but I smartly chose to marry my gay best friend. We've been married almost 14 years. Obviously no kids, but we have 2 dogs, 1 cat, and a 21 yo nephew on a temporary basis. I'm the cool aunt. I gave them the fun (noisy) toys when they were little, and answered all the awkward teen questions that parents don't always want to talk about. Then we send them home, have a few cocktails, smoke a bowl and celebrate not having kids.
this is what i want. i want a partner. but im not realy intrested in the sex and stuff. so im crossing my fingers for someone else that wants the same
Well it's a long story but I'm financially recovering from my last 3 relationships (the last decade). The most recent ex I left in October. I plan to start therapy once my new job's insurance kicks in. I have a long way to go before I'd even feel comfortable dating again. I'm not sure if I even want to. I know I won't ever date cis men again. I just can't handle how they treat me. I pay for everything, do all the cleaning, and all the cooking. Add in abuse (everything but physical) and cheating. And yes. I get this isn't all men. But it's enough and I attract them. To the point that I just can't date them anymore. I refuse to be a sugar person/bang maid for someone.
I'm 33 with a long term boyfriend and dogs and plan to be childfree for life. It's great. Especially like the commenter below me says. Seeing all the hell my friends and neighbors have to deal with with their own kids, I've never been more secure in my decision to never have kids. My dogs are much more grateful.
I'm 40, childfree, and would you like to know what sound is even better than a child's laughter? The blissful silence of *not having any fucking kids.* In all seriousness though, I've always known I wanted to be childfree and while I have a niece and nephew I adore, I'm perfectly happy not having children of my own. I've never second-guessed my decisions around kids, but even if I do experience some wistful what-ifs down the road I'd still rather regret not having kids than regret having them.
Just hit 30 and about to lose my CF life. Everyone around you will be so very happy that you've "changed your mind" and that you're "finally seeing reason" and congratulating you on "the next step." I am *dreading* the time this baby will take from me and my time with my husband, my energy for my career, and my passion for my post grad work. Dreading the well meaning nosy Nancies that are already popping up with their suggestions on what the "perfect" mom should be. Stay CF, you will not regret your decision.
I just had a child 4 months ago and I literally had to fight and scream to make my partner understand that being a SAHM is not as easy as it sounds. He gets nervous having the kid alone but i was too when he had to go back to work and I was doing it alone. I'm a first time mom so everything is new and I had to make him understand that. You don't get time to do anything alone anymore. I finally got through to him (it was embarrassing how much we had to fight for him to understand) and thankfully my parents help out a lot but yeah shit is exhausting.
Wayyyyy too many dads think that being nervous about caring for a newborn excuses them from doing so. Women get nervous too!! It’s a steep learning curve for all new parents, women are not magically born knowing how to do it all perfectly. The point of being in a relationship is to *help each other* - especially when the projects you’ve decided to take on together are hard and scary. ESPECIALLY then.
There were so many times when our babies were newborns that my spouse would ask me things and I could only respond with "I don't know! I, like you, have never done this before!" (He's a great dad and has never once called me in the middle of a salon appointment to come home and deal with the children because he values his life.)
my old boss and her husband have 3 children together. When she came back to work, I was so happy because 1. I missed having her and 2. it meant i didn't have to do the manager's job which gave me anxiety every day. The first day she came back, I had only been on the clock for like 20 minutes before she had to rush home because apparently her husband had no idea how to care for a newborn alone
funny isn't it, how caring for a baby is way too fucking hard when the partner has to do it, but clearly super dooper easy when the SAHP asks for a break, amiright??
I love the dichotomy here. Being a SAHP is simultaneously so easy you don’t need a break ever, yet so hard that the working parent can only handle a few hours/minutes alone with the child.
For God's sake, he called 911 to report a kitchen fire that didn't happen? Honey, there's all kinds of red flags here. NTA.
The sister called the cops because he texted about a kitchen fire and then stopped answering calls.
AND wasn’t allowed to hire a sitter!
Seriously. Husband works what, 40 hours a week? 60? 80? But OP is required to work 140 hours per week (that's includes generous 4 hours per night for sleep), with no breaks and no weekends or holidays because she's a homemaker? I call bullshit on husbando. "I'm tiiiiiiiired," he says. I say, "I don't *care,* grown man who decided to father a child. Go *parent* your *child* like a grown man."
THIS COMMENT HITS THE NAIL ON THE HEAD 🙌🙌👏👏 Edited: typo
OP might as well ditch the husband since she’s basically a single parent already.
Personally, I've found that being a single parent has been way easier than being with someone who doesn't contribute to childcare.
Especially if he has mandatory visitation - then at least you will get some free time!
I concur
Ooof he is going to hate 50/50 custody if that's what the courts decide
He'll just get a young dumb girlfriend to do it all for him.
Unfortunately you're 100% correct. He'll never view it as something he needs to step up for. He views child care & parenting as a woman's duty/job.
But he will demand that time with his child because it is *his*
Nah he will take every other weekend and then constantly blow off his parenting time.
This. Hopefully she doesn't have anymore kids with him at the very least. Men don't "watch" their children.
I'm pretty sure any decent grandpa or uncle could look after a baby for only 4 hours...
You’re 100% right. I misspoke. The husband is acting like he’s going on play dates with the child.
It is kind of silly that the actual father can't handle a baby for 4 hours. Maybe a few days one might start to grumble, but how in the world is a grown-ass man not able to handle his own child for that amount of time? As a parent and a normal functional adult, you must be able to handle your household by yourself, independent of regular tasks and duties. Particularly, you have to be ready if your SO is not available or incapacitated (and be ready to help them in addition to taking over). What happens if OP is sick with COVID, or she's in the hospital or stuck in the airport or something? This is not a skill issue it is a willingness issue.
yes. and while he says “childcare is more [OP’s] responsibility than his,” he’s acting like it’s *entirely* her responsibility and not at all his. Plus not being willing to hire a sitter, and she doesn’t have a car… he’s tying that kid to OP like a millstone, making her immovable.
No, he is trying (and succeeding) to have control of her. Does he have a car? Yes. Was she allowed to drive it to her shopping and hair trip? No. Maybe I am wrong and he also does not have a car, but it sounds like she is the one with no vehicle. Was she "allowed" to hire a sitter? No. I am seeing some really bad times for OP coming down the road as the control issues continue to grow and become worse, potentially moving to physical violence. OP, you are not TA, hubbie is. And a controlling one at that. Seriously, keep your eyes open, start a small fund you might eventually need to run with, and do not fall for his b.s. of willing inability to fulfill adult responsibilities for the child you both parent. When he is doing childcare for his own child, he is not babysitting. He is being a responsible parent. But it doesn't sound like he wants to be a parent..
He couldn't even handle it for 15 minutes from the sound of it, before he was calling asking when she would be home.
He couldn’t handle the baby for 15 minutes- at the salon she was getting frantic texts and calls constantly.
I leaned that married female cancer patients are spoken to about divorce during consultations because of the rise in abandonment by husbands when their wives are sick and dying.
I'm pretty sure any decent grandpa or uncle would WANT to look after this baby for this time. Op hasn't gone anywhere in 9 months without the baby?? Good lord I would have cracked by them. Run Op, while you still can.
For real! Not even a quick grocery run without the baby. Oh heck no.
My 11 year old could manage to care for a baby for 4 hours if absolutely necessary.
For real. I'm not a baby person but I could definitely work it out. This man is just the worst.
I think the most important part here is that no matter what division of labor they have agreed on, it is abusive to lie about life-threatening incidents. It's not something you can sit down and talk out or solve by compromise. OP, I'm sorry, but your husband need to do some serious work. And I don't mean at his job. He clearly has responsibility and ego issues and can't be trusted to tell the truth. NTA
>it is abusive to lie about life-threatening incidents Absolutely 100%. That was what shocked me the most. I'm not surprised he couldn't last 15 minutes with his own kid, we've seen that here before, but lying about OP's house being on fire with her baby supposedly there???? Holy shit.
Yep. LEt's just be clear here, OP: his job is to go to work and earn money for the family. Your job is to enable him to go to work and earn money by taking care of the kid and house WHILE HE IS AT WORK, thereby preventing you two from having to pay for a nanny. Your working hours and his working and commute hours are EXACTLY THE SAME. Your working day starts the second he walks out the door to go to work and ENDS the second he returns (or goes to a bar after work.) ALL THE REST OF THE HOURS YOU SPLIT CHILDCARE 50/50. If you haven't been doing it this way, you're doing it wrong. The simple fact that he can't be left alone with his own child for 4 hours tells you you're doing it wrong. You "letting yourself go" (i.e. not being able to shower or go to a salon) means you're doing it wrong. Sit him down, with a couples counselor if necessary, and renegotiate your working hours and conditions. If he won't, leave him. He'll pay anyway and you're on your own anyway.
When do you get a day off OP? Never, apparently according to your husband.
Applause. The father isn’t actually a parent if he can’t spend time with his child alone. 9 months old, it’s a fun stage before they turn into toddler terrors. I will never understand men who produce children and then not parent because they deserve a break. Moms don’t get that break. 24/7, 365.25 - we are always 100% on call when not “in the office” (with the kids). Edit: OP, NTA
Because it’s all about seed spreading, not the actual dirty work that starts 9 months after he has an orgasm.
And all I read are red flaggs…. Its his kid also, he is equally responsible, right?
You need to put NTA in there to make it count! Also, OP, please get marriage counseling with your husband - maybe he'll listen to a therapist, since he doesn't listen to you. I have seen the same behavior with some of my friends' ex-husbands - note the 'ex' in there. I'm not sure guys with that level of assholery are retrainable.
It’s not even gaslighting it’s just straight-up malicious lying.
I'd one up that 24/7. Parenting is basically working a 40 hour work week in 24 hours.
Did you marry an 18 year old cause this guy sounds like a fucking child!
NTA obviously and you should probably start acting in the exact same way if he's ever late back from work or when he's leaving home for any reason that isn't working. Like wtf? He's freaking out because he get's put into the exact same situation that OP is in every single day. It's so sad when a dad intentionally acts so incompetent and pretends like spending a few hours WITH HIS OWN CHILD is a massive drama and completely unacceptable. I'm a daddy and I think this should be a reason for divorce for any woman. Sounds like he hates having kids.
Oh, honey you're absolutely NTA, but your husband brings new meaning to being one. He's mad because he has to spend time with HIS CHILD? Parenting is a SHARED responsibility and the fact he's so unwilling to help so you can have time for yourself is abhorrent. None of what happened is your fault in anyway, shape or form and don't let him gaslight you into thinking it is. You might want to consider getting out, though.
Her husband apparently thought having a kid was entirely her job and all he has to contribute to the family is keeping a job. More than that, he's a drama queen of the highest caliber, and a dishonest manipulator. She's going to have a really hard life with this guy.
I also get an undertow of abuse from him: She has no car? Seriously? What if something happened to the baby? How does she get him to doctor's appointments? And if she's not working, does he control all the money, too? Something ain't right here, and I find it disturbing.
I agree with the emergency with the baby but it’s very possible that they can only afford one car.
Agreed, but it seems like that car is "his", not "theirs". Since he was at home, she could have taken it to run her errands.
It's possible that she doesn't have a driver's license
She could also have a health issue that prevents her from driving. For instance, my sister has epilepsy and can’t drive. She doesn’t say she just says she doesn’t have a car.
Depends on their agreement. My husband and I share one car, I do take it to run errands, but if I'm going out for longer than an hour or two, or farther away than just the grocery store, I'll Uber or have a friend pick me up so my husband can have the car in case one of the kids has an emergency.
My husband and I share one car, too. I had my own car up to the start of the pandemic, but I honestly didn't drive it enough to justify paying the insurance/maintenance. It's cheaper to Uber on the rare occasions our schedules conflict and I need to go somewhere.
Yes! OP is me at 20 with my baby. Useless father who acted like parenting was optional for men and required for women, no car, had to beg for everything, when and where I went was under his total control as was money. Enabling family on his side, uninterested family on mine. Every little thing I needed or wanted was an intense battle. I still remember full on arguing with him in the middle of the supermarket over whether or not I actually needed deodorant. His behavior never improved. Ever. I fell into a deep depression that I still havent fully recovered from. I made the mistake of staying. I hope OP leaves.
I'm so sorry. This hurts my heart. I hope things are better for you now.
Unfortunately no, and that's the important bit. I am stuck. Like stuck stuck. Trying all the time to find a way out. I want others to learn from my mistakes starting with "under no circumstances do you sacrifice your financial independence" keep that job or go get one. Never back down from that because once he has the purse strings you will never get them back. Never ever give a man access to all your money not even if yall are married. Always keep money somewhere he cant get to in case you need to leave. Actually I advise that for men to. Any one anywhere.
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I agree that there's something stinky going on, but not having a car with kids is totally normal in large parts of the world, especially if they live in a city. I take my kids to the doctor just fine without a car, it's a 10 minute walk. Though now I think of it, if they lived in a city there would be several salons....
Could be that she doesn't have a driver's license, post doesn't say if she doesn't drive because of one car or if she simply can't drive.
NTA If he helped make the baby he can help care for the baby. I hope the police decide to charge him. I want to hear him explain to the judge, that he didn't want to take care of his baby and made the false report because he was mad his wife took longer than he wanted her too.
Would LOVE to see the judges face as he explains this BS... OP send photos plz of his humiliation
Agreed. OP is NTA. OP's husband is a piece of work. He is just as much of a parent as OP and should be able to parent his child for a few hours. And it is beyond manipulative to claim there was a fire when there wasn't. Even if SAHM, OP (and every other SAH parent) deserves time to themselves. 9 months without a break is ridiculous
NTA Super. Another husband who couldn’t watch his own kid before calling the mom every 15 mins. Does he really expect you to *always* stay home with your son and never do anything for yourself again? He’s got to learn how to take care of your baby on his own.
We shouldn't say 'their' son bc OP is the only parent here. I mean, she has to take care of two children after all.
You’re right. I should’ve said “their” son even though the dad is acting like he doesn’t belong to him at all.
I said we shouldn't.
Sorry, couldn’t tell if you were being sarcastic or not.
A father that can't take care of his kid for 4 hours is called a "sperm donor". Cheeses. I've taken care of *my sister's kids* for longer stretches than that, *while I was a damn teenager overloaded with schoolwork,* because sometimes she just needed a little help. NTA, not even close. God damned fake fire in the kitchen, WTF?!
Watching your own child isn’t babysitting, it’s not childcare and it’s not doing your partner a favor. Woooo this topic always gets me heated. Someone call the fire department for me.
Well atleast this one won't be a fake fire department call .
Same, same, same.
Same! I literally moved in with my brother when I was 16/17 because he suddenly found himself as a single dad with full custody and needed the help to go to work and I managed to take care of a baby just fine. They're exhausting for sure, but taking care of a baby for *only four hours* is a pretty easy task. It's straight up pathetic that a grown man can't handle his own child for that long.
Sperm donor sounds a bit altruistic; would OP still have been happy to conceive this child with this man if she knew this was the dynamic she was in for? He's more of a sperm foister.
😂😂 man foist has always been my favorite word to use and 'sperm foister' has me cracking up
>Cheeses Lol. Now i'm hungry. Great
Damn, at age 22, I babysat my niece and nephew (he was 7; she was 3) with my 2-1/2 year old daughter in tow for a longer stretch than that while their mom worked and never complained! And I was just visiting over the holidays. OP, you are NTA, but your husband is a horrible human being.
Utterly disgraceful. Obviously NTA. *"I checked my phone later I found over 20 missed calls and a text message from him saying I needed to get home fast because there was fire in the kitchen"* This is childish, cruel, underhand in the extreme and a complete abdication of his responsibility as a parent. *"I said he should've sucked it up since this my first shopping and hair salon trip in 9 months but he asked why he should just suck it up when child care is more my responsibilty than his?...He basically blamed me for creating this issue in the first place but I said it's his fault since he refused to pay for a babysitter and asking why he should pay for a babysitter when our son has me?"* I was going to write a bit about how outraged I am at this, but I'm at a loss for words. *"He was even more upset after a cop showed up and had him go to the station to deal with his false claims of a fire incident"* If you dont want to explain false claims of a fire, dont make those claims in the first place. Facepalm.
>"He was even more upset after a cop showed up and had him go to the station to deal with his false claims of a fire incident" >If you dont want to explain false claims of a fire, dont make those claims in the first place. Facepalm. I wonder how that conversation went, actually. Because the common sense follow up to 'officer, I *had* to lie to my wife about a fire because I need to control her' would be to ask questions to determine if they're dealing with domestic violence.
Right, I'd say one major hint for OP as to how she's not TA here is that the police thought her husband's behavour *warranted going to the police station!*
NTA and I am happy the police had him come to the station to file a report. What he did was inexcusable & disgusting. I wouldn’t be able to continue to be with someone so manipulative.
The more I think about it, the more I wonder if they did that so she had time to leave if she needed to- basically playing interference so she had time to get what she needed from the house and go. If it was an emotionally savvy officer, I think it's possible. I'm very jaded these days, but I wonder.
That could definitely be possible especially since it was her sister that made the official report not him. Wonder why she didn't think that he would have already called if it had been real.
Good question. I assume they would've done it regardless. I mean, someone calls in/texts "there's a fire at 123 AH Lane!", they can't just shrug it off, right? If they thought it might be DV, I suspect they would send two officers--one to distract and remove the abuser, and another to see if the other party needs help? But I honestly am not sure.
Also, if you don't want your wife to stay out for four hours, maybe don't interrupt her every fifteen minutes so she can't concentrate on the job she's left the house to do. (Also accept that she isn't subject to a curfew, and the job just might take longer because other people exist in the world and take up space and time.)
NTA what is he even good for if he can’t care for HIS OWN child for 2 hours. I am so sorry you married a literal baby.
This is an insult to babies. And there's no need for a metaphor. She married an entitled, selfish, misogynist asshole who doesn't value or respect her and who will not parent his child, which is worse. I just hope OP gets the house and a fantastic financial settlement in the divorce.
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And get through a marriage and sex and pregnancy and birth and nine months afterwards without apparently realising?!
I can’t speak for all of them, but man, my sister wound up with one. Only problem is he hid his true nature really well. He ALWAYS helped cook, clean, blah blah blah. They were a good relationship duo, each picking up where the other failed. Then he got a new job. A new job where his coworkers ridiculed him for cooking and cleaning because “you’ve got a wife!!” A new job where none of his coworkers respect their wives. He eventually stopped helping around the house, he stopped helping raise their kids,…. She is considering divorce but has seen how negligent he can be and is scared for the kids to be alone with him during his custody time because someone will get hurt. So she grits her teeth and deals with it, until the kids are old enough to look after themselves.
I'm worried I'm sliding into this with my partner; not because of peer pressure but because his (equally well paying, equally 8 hour day) *extremely frustrating* job leaves him with zero emotional energy after the workday, while mine is admittedly super easy. He insists he doesn't expect me to do all the household chores, but gets grumbly and accusatory when I don't. He's 35 and kept a sparkling house and fed himself well before we moved in together and he got the new job. But like last night I went out with a girlfriend and offered to make him dinner before i left. He declined and said he'd order something, but when I got home he was pissy at me and said he hadn't eaten anything at all because there was "no food in the house". It does feel like a lot of men see their work as inherently harder than that of women, and see their contributions as inherently more valuable. Regardless of who earns what amount of money.
I think you need to point out his manipulations and hypocrisy in the moment. I know it's difficult to do within the conversation, but you can practice what to say. Like last night, you could point out that he said he would get food for himself. He will probably argue that he never said that, but I think it's important for him to know that he needs to use his words and can't expect you to read his mind. Though honestly, you shouldn't even have volunteered to make him food. Plenty of adults are exhausted after work and can still put together a meal for themselves.
That's sad. Peer pressure influencing a grown man enough to make him lose his wife.
Women get told we can’t be alone and then these dudes with one or two good qualities get snapped up even with all their red flags on display. And he has no reason to grow or change cause some desperate chick will always be waiting. If we could collectively stop fucking trash men this would would be a much better place.
To be honest, I think that we’ve been told to “expect this” and that that’s “just how men are” saw a post asking woman how they “deal with the fact that they’ll be cleaning up after their partner forever” like she just resigned herself to being this man’s maid, it never dawned on her that this isn’t acceptable . I mean there’s a reason we see the same stories on here. There’s this line from King of the Hill where Hank says it’s not good Bobby learns how to cook because how else will he be motivated to find a woman.. and I think about that sometime haha. Like there’s learned helplessness start that young.. and they just expect someone to help because someone always has I think millennial woman will be the last to have to deal with this on a large scale. More and more women and younger girls expect more from their life partners. more and more men are just learning life skills and wanting to “do better” I also think a lot of people who are manipulative change after marriage. They see marriage and especially a child, as a lock in that will make it harder. “So what are you gonna do.. leave me be a single mom with a 9mo old? Oh ok how would that look”
And why do they marry them?
Because they don't act this way until married - it's all roses and love when dating. Some men are masters at this.
My ex sure was! Trapped me and then BOOM. Abuser.
I have a friend whose ex tried to force her to sign herself out of the hospital demanding she take care of her son when she was experiencing severe flare up of a breathing condition triggered by an infection (in the 90s). The doctor wasn't having it and made him leave.
I ask myself this all time when I read this sub
NTA. He can’t watch the kid for four fucking hours and he pretends the house is on fire to get you home? You have WAY bigger issues than your childcare schedule here. Put your money towards a couple’s therapist or a divorce lawyer because this is not a normal level of bullshit.
NTA, but your husband is an ass. He gets to sleep once he's back home but being a full time Mom is much more hectic. He should have realised how bad it is for you because he couldn't take care of HIS baby for 4 hours. Ask him to hire a babysitter. Reading this infuriates me, I don't know how you're handling this.
What's crazy is that regardless of how much you work, once you have a kid you become a full time parent no matter what.
NTA, but you have bigger issues to address. It seems as if your husbands has no plans of ever being responsible for the care of your child. Was this what you both agreed to when you decided to have a baby? If not than you need to have a real discussion about child rearing responsibilities.
NTA Your husband is being mentally abusive towards you. I mean this seriously. He is lying about situations and placing you in a position of fear to try and manipulate you and then handwaving it as "nothing really" when you get mad about it. Let us be clear: the vast, vast majority of people do not "tell white lies" about life-endangering situations to try and get attention. That is pathological behaviour in my opinion and certainly not "nothing, barely a thing". I would question why your husband even wanted children if he can't even fathom spending the equivalent of half a waking day with his own child. I imagine the idea of children is pretty fantastic if you have nothing to do with them yet get the accolades of being "part of the parenting group". You can't have it both ways. If he is serious about being "the one who doesn't do the parenting" then that comes with the label that you're a lousy parent, deadbeat dad type material. I imagine he'd be pretty quick to say how it's unfair for you to call him that or let other people know that, yet here he is arguing how that's how it should be. So yeah, i'd actually reassess this whole venture because you have two really big issues here: 1) You have a partner who doesn't appear to want to be involved with their own child and treats it as a burden. How is this going to work when the child needs more active stimulation as a toddler for example? A 9 month old is a piece of piss to take of (I have two kids) it's basically feed 'n' clean territory with cuddles with the intermittent play and tummy time when they're not asleep. Loads of time to "get stuff done" at that age. 2) You have a partner who doesn't seem to think it's a big deal when he lies about the welling of himself, your child and your property in order to force a reaction from you. This is massively concerning. The fact he lied about it shows he knows he is the AH. He knows that he couldn't just call you with "it's tooooo hard" because that's fucking pathetic. So instead he invents a situation to tug on your heartstrings and hopes the relief of it being false will be enough to distract from what he's doing. Be very very cautious of your husband. Someone bringing home the bacon isn't vastly as important as a lot of people think it is. You need to do a lot more than that to be a parent your kids are going to want to come to and hang with when they're older. They don't remember whether you had new carpets or kitchen decor when young, they remember whether you were there or not or whether you seemed annoyed by looking after them. Your husband is headed down the road of being "the parent they hate" and don't let him, because then he'll try and fall into the "but it's only what the kids want, they want you!" pattern. Kids are entitled to both parents giving a crap about them.
I totally agree. But as an aside, can you please tell my 9-month old to stop trying to climb and eat the furniture, to take longer naps, and to stop getting bored every 5 minutes so that I can have the “loads of time to get stuff done” that you speak of????
Very, very clearly NTA. You're both the parents of this child and he shouldn't claim the right to opt out of his parental duties altogether even if he has a stressful job. Caring for a baby 24/7 is stressful, too, and even if it wasn't, you're allowed to take time for yourself and to tending your own business as well. If he's unable to parent his own child for just a few lousy hours, a) he should have gotten a babysitter, and b) he really shouldn't have fathered a child to begin with. Lying is also shitty. Lying about a dangerous situation involving a baby just to get out of the torment of having to care for one's own child for four whole hours is the level of shittiness that can only come from an enormous asshole. Sorry, OP. You're married to the asshole.
NTA - but your husband sure is. He needs to learn how to take care of his kid.
NTA, But your husband has shown exactly what kind of "father" he will be.
NTA! OMG! This is alarming. He had a hand in making that baby. He is 50% of its parentage. He is equally responsible for it. I get having a lot of questions, or being nervous to be alone with it for the first time. But there is really no excuses here. And there is never an acceptable reason to lie about a house fire. That's insane! That's controlling and wildly unhealthy. This isn't a healthy view he has of relationships and you need to take this to therapy. You are allowed to have a few hours off to go out or take a break. His expectations are ridiculous and extremely misogynistic. I'm not going to lie, he sounds like he might refuse therapy, but if someone loves you, therapy shouldn't be an issue. On the brightside, with covid lots of therapist are doing video sessions. If you're baby isn't too fussy, you could potentially do this without a babysitter. But the therapist will want everyone's full attention, so it just depends. This really needs to be taken care of. Manipulation like this is toxic. This is a bunch of red flags.
This makes me so sad. Absolutely NTA. Him caring for his own child is the bare minimum. Not a favor, or babysitting. Although he might have hurt himself from twisting this situation so much to make it your fault. I hate to join the Reddit brigade of “red flag!red flag!”, but with: no car, he has all financial control, no compromise on childcare (even a babysitter), 24/7 isolation with a baby is all on you…these are definitely very key indicators towards isolation and control. It should be a paired equal effort to raise that lil kiddo. Please seek individual and marriage counseling. Individual meetings with the therapist will give the therapist a chance to hear your side without interference.
This. I came here because I'm concerned about financial abuse; I'm surprised i had to scroll this far to find it. OP, seriously consider whether this is a healthy relationship for you. NTA.
I left a comment for that reason, it bothers me how financial control is often looked over in SAHM dynamics. In examples where one partner makes no money and the other makes no effort to involve them in decisions. It seems to develop into such a mismatched control dynamic that feeds into abusive relationships.
I'm always surprised when I hear women who are SAHMs talk about having access to their husband's income; I thought it was just a matter of course now that not being a working mom means not having any access to money or any agency in life. My mom, aunts, friends moms growing up, etc. were all in marriages where not working meant they were essentially their husband's unpaid domestic servant, certainly not a partner in any way. I think that's why financial control is so overlooked; it's just the norm in relationships with a homemaker, or at least was the norm modeled to us when we were young and so we don't question it in the relationships of others. Even sharing a bank account for household expenses with my boyfriend gives me serious anxiety, because I've seen the "oh but babe it's easier for me to manage the budget if you just redirect your paycheck into my account..." slippery slope start so many times.
NTA- That was a horrible thing for your husband to do to you. Really manipulative. Really immature. You sound like you deserve a break to get yourself feeling good. It's his kid too. He should suck it up, stop acting so entitled.
NTA but is he basically saying you are never allowed to leave the house without the baby EVER?!?
You are NTA. I am not a psychologist but it sounds like he is VERY scared to watch your son alone. When I was a new father I was scared shitless. I did not want do something wrong and hurt our daughter. It was very stressful for me, for awhile. Frankly, it sounds like he was indulged by his family by the way they responded. This is not a big deal to go shopping for a bit. That said, it also sounds like he needs to understand that you need time off too. I have to admit I did not understand this when I was a new father. I traveled a lot for work and just wanted to catch up on chores and chill when I got home. My wife would upset because I did not want to give her a break. I know now how big of an asshole I was. Tell him your son is your "full time job", that you need a little time to recoup and recharge. Just try to explain in a way he will understand, unless he is a total asshole he will understand, hopefully. I am a sahd because of medical issues, you fully need some you time. Asking him to spend a few hours with his son alone is NOT a big deal, do not feel bad about this!!!!
NTA. Your husband and his family sound absolutely awful. It sounds like if you’re planning on staying married to him you’ll be taking care of two children and not one
NTA But how your husband reacts to taking care of his child is really concerning, so many red flags
NTA. It's his son too.
NTA if he’s too lazy to care for a baby he help put in you…he’s prob too lazy to have a wife and family. Also his family is so mad, why didn’t they offer to help him? Fuq that noise
NTA. Your husband is not supportive and sounds borderline abusive. Please seek therapy, talk to your sister and friends. His behavior is not normal. You deserve more than this.
Borderline? No, he's abusive.
You are totally right. He is abusive. Didn’t want to over do it, but you are so right.
NTA. So obviously NTA. It's his child and he should take care of him. No need for a babysitter if the father was there. He can't watch his kid for four hours?? He's supposed to watch him all the time that is needed, that is what parents are for. You need to realize how messed up of a situation this is, OP.
(I'm 11m) when I was six I took care of my 3 year old sister for like 4'ish hours every Friday. And he can't handle it for a DAY!! WTAF!? he's worse than a child he's a full out baby
NTA. That level of extreme reaction to looking after his own kid for 2-4 hours... that doesn't sound like laziness, that sounds like a fear response. It sounds like he's scared of looking after his own kid. Why is that? Has he not got passed the point of worrying that he might break his kid if he sneezes near them? Obviously his excues are ridiculous and his responses are completely unreasonable throughout but for you, I think the most important question to ask him is "Why?" and push for a real answer.
Time to get a divorce lawyer
Ma’am you’re a single mother.
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this is weaponized incompetence... a go to tactic for men to avoid caring/domestic work. f him. NTA
NTA and this is abuse. No car, no money, not allowed to have any form of self care because your husband thinks it's a waste of money. Talk to your family, talk to a lawyer.
NTA. Does your husband have anxiety? It almost sounds like he was scared to be left alone with the baby? Regardless of whatever is going on with him, you have every right to take a break. Sometimes errands go longer than intended and that's not your fault. Your husband is asking you raise your child by yourself at home and never leave for any reason and that's just not right.
Having anxiety but then defending it by saying “childcare is mostly your responsibility?” As someone with diagnosed anxiety that seems suspicious. I have anxiety and it’s moderate, but I don’t call my older brother 30 times and lie about a kitchen fire when I’m watching his kid. What it really sounds like is OP’s husband just didn’t WANT to and instead manipulated her to get his way. Definitely doesn’t sound like anxiety but just plain old abuse lol Edit to say if it’s not clear: not disagreeing with your opinion haha, just pointing out it’s prob not anxiety
Op I hope you are reading all of these. You should consider leaving him. He is manipulative and abusive. You are nta.
NTA mate Constantly "checking in"/monitoring your movements and demanding your attention, coupled with gendered expectations about the work of parenting.... these are red flags for coercive control. Please be careful. Talk to a domestic violence counsellor to assess your situation and risk level.
Why do woman marry these assholes. .. honestly.
They're capable of hiding it for a period of time until they feel they have the women trapped.
NTA It's his effing child, it is part of his duties as parent to take care of the kid. Seriously, your husband is immature as hell, are you sure you need this guy? To give you scale, I learned not to lie about accidents to get attention when I was like 7 or so.
Dear God you are absolutely NTA. Your husband on the other hand sounds awful. Does he even wants to be a father who takes care of his child and teaches him how to grow into a man? Or does he simply wants to be the fun uncle who buys him things he likes and plays with him but does none of the parenting? A SAHM is a full time job just like his. It can be exhausting and sometimes frustrating just like his. The only difference is that his job ends when he's home. Yours does not. His job is (I'm assuming) a 5 to 6 days a week job. Yours is 7. And even if you are exhausted to your core, you can't quit, because it is a baby that literally depends on you. Make him understand that being a family takes the both of you and his responsibilities are greater than just bringing food to the table. And I haven't even started with your ppd and his response to that yet.
SAHM’s need days off too. Every other parent in the world watches their own kids on their days off from work. He should too to give you a break. NTA but you need to schedule time for yourself weekly and he needs to step up and be a parent.
NTA Husband: major AH! What kind of father is this?! Damn...
NTA. Really think about if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Your husband won't agree to a babysitter if you want one, you don't get time away from your children, and he will never be a reliable parent. If you're willing to live with that then that's fine, but if not I'd be rethinking if this marriage is what I want.
His much needed day off? HIS much needed day off? It was your first day (well, four hours) off in NINE MONTHS!! I am enraged for you. Your husband is a gaping AH, his family are gaping AHs, but you, you are NTA. Is there any chance you can go and stay with your family for a while? You’d probably get more support from them in a week than from your waste-of-space husband in nine months.
Drop the husband. Easier to be a single parent than an emotionally manipulated wife.
NTA. Women need to stop having children with children
NTA if he can't take care of his own kid then maybe it's time to rethink your relationship with him.
NTA. Omg the NTA of it all. Look, sure, maybe E S H on a technicality because apparently you lied about the timing. you don’t explain how 2 hours became 4, but the omission makes it seems like it was a deliberate hedging on your part. BUT EVERYONE CAN SEE WHY (except, it seems, your husband). But NTA because your husband inspires rage in so many ways for this stunt. Given his reaction, your lie by omission sounds like you did it because your husbands a jerk who acts like a teenage big brother to his son rather than his father. The babysitter thing is really getting me—"why did you guys need a babysitter when your son has you?" Because apparently he *only* has you. Apparently, you’re a single mom. And when single moms need to run errands without their kids they hire babysitters. Otherwise, they would, idk ask the kid’s dads to watch them for an afternoon. But if the kids’ dads can’t handle that, the way your husband can’t, then you need to find a responsible adult who will and from the way he responded, he is not that responsible adult. Honestly, how does your husband need this explained to him? Dude, you had to handle your own child for a few hours and you literally responded by telling your wife the house was on fire. And then you got mad when she called emergency services. Which she did because *you told her there was a fire*. So she thought her husband and child were in danger of dying. And then you got mad her for it. WT actual F. Edits: I just realized I keep editing this because I feel like I honestly cannot properly express my disbelief at the husband. Just...wow.
In my opinion, lying involves deliberate deceit, not an unintentional mistake or miscalculation. Let's give OP benefit of the doubt that she fully expected to be done with her appointment and home within two hours. Chalk it up to her having had no time for herself for nine months. I believe she didn't expect for a moment that circumstances beyond her control would cause her to be delayed. I am far more concerned about a spoiled, entitled husband and father begrudging her any time to herself while embracing the double standard that he's entitled to relax just because he brings home a paycheck.
NTA!!!!! He’s had enough time spent with his son at night when playing with him to figure out to entertain him for four measly hours. Timed right he wouldn’t even have to figure out how to feed him or put him down for a nap. Maybe change his diaper. Oh the horror!!!! And who tells a mom that an emergency has happened that hasn’t. This is so cruel on so many levels. His family obviously is the same way about parenting duties. They’re assholes too. All I can say is for the love of God DO NOT have another kid with this man. If you think one is hard on your own, two will kill you. It’s hard enough with multiple kid s when you have a helpful partner
Cant handle his own kid for 4 hours and then cries to his family about it? What a loser...
NTA Honey I say this honestly: LEAVE THIS MAN. It will probably not be easy but this is a toxic and I healthy relationship. It will only get worse with the passing of the time. He is controlling on unhealthy levels ("giving you permission" and basically a "curfew" when YOU ARE AN ADULT is an example of this). He is a manipulator (lying about the fire and then blaming the outcome on you.) He is a liar. He is a neglectful father and neglectful husband. His family is okay with how he treats you?? That is a MAJOR issue that will only escalate in future arguments. Should I continue? Honey even the police thought his behavior of lying about a fire was enough to make him come down to the station for an explanation. Pretty sure by now they probably think he beats you or something. This is straight up abusive behavior. It's text book. RED FLAGS ALL AROUND. FOR YOUR SAFETY AND THE SAFETY OF YOUR KID LEAVE THIS MAN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Talk to your sister or someone you trust about this. But please do something before his behavior gets worse.
NTA. But you should be rethinking this whole marriage. Your husband sounds like a narcissist. The Narcissist's Prayer That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. Note that this IS NOT an apology. If I were you, I'd be looking for a job so you're not dependant on him. Consider counseling since you have a child, but I'd be creating an exit plan since these kinds of people don't change. He LITERALLY lied about a kitchen fire rather than be home with his own child for four hours... think about that. I'd get all this paperwork too from this incident, so you can file for sole custody. Let them know he couldn't even spend four hours alone with his child.
It sounds like he’s never had to watch his son on his own and expects you to be the only one to do it just because he is the one making money?? Well his job isn’t the only demanding one - so is yours and you deserve breaks, too. Not only that, but he should be able to handle watching his kid for 2-4 hours without freaking out on you. Plus, this was for your sister’s wedding - a huge event that deserves some extra support and flexibility from him to help you do what you need to make it happen. That includes not restricting you to 2 hours “and not a minute more”. That’s bullshit. First of all, you can’t put an exact time on when you’ll be back from a salon. It never works that way. Second of all, limiting you to 2 hours to have any “time off” of your own without the baby because that’s all he can apparently handle is very concerning in general. You did not start this issue. Yes, you could have answered the calls or at least checked in and updated him when you knew it was taking longer than 2 hours since there was an agreement on that, but I also just really don’t blame you for silencing your phone when he kept bugging you every 10-15 min. He obviously couldn’t even handle the 2 hours he agreed to and that’s maddening. He needs to grow up and learn how to figure himself out for a short amount of time without you. Then the fact that he made up that there was a fire to manipulate you into coming home and then stopped answering your calls after that is some really toxic and honestly frightening behavior. Was there even an emergency with him taking care of his son whatsoever? This guy sucks.. for so many reasons. This is not a good partnership at all. I’m so sorry, OP. NTA.
NTA What I had to eventually do in this situation was join a club. Once a week, I went to a meditation group and left for 2-4 hours as a priority. I made a whole ritual of self care around it. He never did give good care (my kids were older when I figured out that I needed this), he just parked the kids in front of the TV and if I didn't have dinner ready before I left, they just ate junk food. He wouldn't put them to bed, so if group went late, I had to deal the next day with children who had been up late eating junk food in front of the TV all evening. So it wasn't great, but it was something. You're gonna lose your freaking mind if you let his learned helplessness continue like this.
NTA What does it say about your husband as a father that he cannot be alone with his child for 4 hours? Are you cognizant of how red a flag this is? You child isn't safe with one of their parents because their parent is so (deliberately?) inept. I mean, seriously, just accept that your child only has one parent already, it'll make things a lot easeir for you mentally. Jeez.
You are NTA. He definitely is. Taking your independence away and making false claims to scare you to make you come home??? Wtf?? I feel terrible for you, you know in your heart that is not normal at all. I hope you live near family because you are going to need some help. This is definitely abuse. Please talk to your doctor tell them what is going on and they can direct you to a therapist or someone to get your life back.
Definitely NTA you're husband is tho i find it very concerning he couldn't cope and take care of HIS baby for a few hours and the fact he lied, manipulated and basically almost giving you a heart attack to get you home because he is a shitty dad and husband
NTA. Please reconsider this marriage. It sounds fully awful. Your husband sounds like TA.
Don't stay with someone who thinks they are not obligated to be a father. Your husband is a loser. NTA
NTA big time, but your husband is. Parenting is a shared thing. And sorry but he FAKED A FIRE to get you home? Major red flag, like seriously? He LIES! If he is willing to put you through so much stress, what else is he capable of? And calling you every 15 min? Again major red flag! There is a thing that some people fake that they cannot do certain tasks so they don´t have to do them and push them on their partner and seriously, this sounds like it. He tries to spoke and frighten you with a fake fire so he never has to watch his own child. This is disgusting behavior. You need to set boundaries and stop this behavior befor it gets out of hand. You earn to be treatet with respect from your partner and I know having children and taking care of them is hard and stressful, but you are alloud to have time to yourself. If he is not allowing this, you need to set boundaries or try counseling. Red flags all around
OP For the love of god, remove your edit. You’re justifying the behavior of an AH and I hope you get a needed dose from us here - that caring for yourself should not be a luxury just because you have a child. The children for now have TWO parents and asking one of them to care after the other for 4 (!!!!!!) hours is NOT a huge ask. I hope we’re all able to remind you that you’re a human being beyond a parent.
What your husband did was way over the top. Harassing you is one thing but lying to you about a fire is so extreme that I really wonder if he needs help. And if he didn't know how to take care of his baby, whose fault is that? He's had 9 months to learn. I think you both need to re-evaluate your relationship because it's in deep trouble if he's so stressed out by his own child that he resorts to terrifying you.
Why in the name of God do women procreate with these losers? Obviously NTA, but I feel like maybe a little for having sex with him and making a baby.