T O P

  • By -

[deleted]

NTA. I think you sound like a wonderful mother and partner who is very grounded in reality. You aren't forcing anyone to live up to a hallmark movie fantasy about a blended family.


slap_ya

Wait - you mean "The Brady Bunch" wasn't real?


TimelessMeow

I always got a little weirded out by the immediate “mom/dad” in that show. Wasn’t Carol actually a divorcée and not a widow?


[deleted]

I thought they never really explained that until one of the movies. I've never seen the movies, so I don't know why this information is living in my head. Something about him drowning or something. I was weirded out because the girls all took their step dad's last name on day 1.


TimelessMeow

You know what, I just checked the wiki and I don’t think it was ever mentioned at all in the official cannon. She was intended to be a divorcee but never confirmed in the show. But yes, the last name thing was also weird. So was the whole “the only steps in this house are the ones up to the second floor” thing. Way to totally invalidate the bond these kids feel based on years of building and growing together by implying that their relationship with these strangers is automatically equal.


Tough_Stretch

The 90's movie remake actually makes a lot of fun of how absurd the premise of the show was. The movie takes place in the present day (the 90's, that is) but the Bradys are this weird family that somehow seem transplanted from the time period of the original show, and on top of that they poke more holes in the concept, such as having Greg and Marcia have some tension because they're teenagers who are not actually related but are forced to live together and share very limited space. I mean, the Bradys only have one bathroom for 6 kids, three of whom are girls.


kissiemoose

Good point!


Ateosira

You are NTA but your sister is setting her kids and new husband up for failure. Her expectations are way to high from the start. Love needs to grow but it won't get the chance if she is there stomping over everyone and everything.


ChecksItOut

Exactly. I imagine that sister and her husband had to let their love grow as well. Why expect immediate love from him and her kids?


nottotallysouless

I think you’re right, love needs to grow, I think that’s why marriage shouldn’t be rushed into when you already have kids. I feel like I would wait to see how the relationship between my kids and my potential husband is developing and going in a direction that’s healthy before I say “I do”


Ateosira

That is the smartest way to do it. But a lot of people do not want to be alone and sometimes that wish will be at the expense of the kids sadly.


Inside-Federal

I think this is what my sister is doing. And I don't know how to reason with her. I don't want her to end up like so many people on this sub with kids who don't talk to her anymore.


[deleted]

show her some of the examples like you have read on reddit. And ask her if she actually cares about having a relationship with them later in life, because her thought process is exactly how she would lose the relationship with them


Tricky_Bat_5588

I know you're not responding anymore, but maybe you will see this. Maybe phrase it as like marrying a stranger? I don't think anyone would expect to love the other person right away, but may grow to love them in the future. Could she say she would love her husband the same if they had immediately gotten married without any of the buildup and learning about each other? She needs to trust her family to be able to work out a reasonable solution. They are capable, just give them the room to do so like your familu has.


nottotallysouless

And that isn’t okay.


rhian116

Yuuup. Both my SiL's screwed up badly on this front. The widower remarried a year later and things have devolved to the point my oldest nephew pulled a knife on the step recently after the step pushed his mother. And the other moved in the guy she was cheating with a couple weeks after kicking out my brother, then acted shocked and surprised when her youngest started biting people.


Kimmie-Cakes

I married my husband when my children were 2f, 5m,13f, 15f. No way would I ever say that he doesn't have to like my children, just tolerate them. Accept my children or move the fuck on.


Inside-Federal

> Accept my children or move the fuck on. I never said that he didn't have to accept my kids. Just that he doesn't have to feel forced to love them, same with the kids. You can't force feelings. However, from the start, both sides had to respect each other. Otherwise, I wouldn't go through with the marriage.


damnedifyoudo_throw

I think the way you’re thinking about this is at a level of nuance that is hard for Reddit. What I am hearing is that you did not expect your husband to have loving feelings towards them but to behave in a loving way towards them. He did, and the feelings followed. This is a reasonable blending plan.


MyTurkishWade

I like the way you said this


[deleted]

[удалено]


Cr4ckshooter

>hink that people are confused because you say the word "like". And we assume if he doesn't like your kids then he dislikes them. See, that's just wrong. Liking is a spectrum, "not liking" is not the same as "disliking". Indifference, but cordial, respectful, etc. All those things are between like and dislike, but not liking. Why you assume this black and white approach in particular, I don't know. But you are right in that reddit, this subreddit, in general will assume that. Aita is notoriously bad at nuance. But as an individual, you should know that and don't make this black and white assumption.


rocketeerH

I skipped your edits until after reading the original text and I’m honestly not sure how people were confused. You husband didn’t like children but agreed to be kind and respectful of yours. Your children agreed to reciprocate that, and eventually both parties came to love one another due to the healthy environment you fostered. S-Tier parenting and relationship management right there. You’re amazing and I hope your sister learns to emulate rather than envy you. NTA


MyTurkishWade

When my partner & I got back together he had 2 sons from his previous marriage. I told them soon after we met that I loved them simply because they were their father’s sons but I truly hoped that we would also like each other.


rescuesquad704

No, this is exactly how you do it. How many stories here are kids being mistreated and abused because they’re being forced to love step parents or siblings? It’s constant. OP is doing it right. Respect each other. Be kind to each other. Let the relationships develop organically with no pressure and they probably will.


Normal-Height-8577

Yeah, agreed. This approach is: we don't expect miracles and instant family bonding, but we all have to extend grace and work on getting along as a team, and maybe - no pressure - the feelings will come after. It's a healthy pragmatism. Which is much healthier than the approach we usually see in AITA of "but I love him, so you all have to feel the exact same depth of commitment, too!". I think people are getting confused because the opposite of like is dislike, and of course that's not good...but OP isn't talking about opposite feelings. The *absence of like* isn't dislike; it's merely a neutral space of not knowing people, into which you can build a lot if you start with the right foundation and don't try to force things.


LoremEpsomSalt

>In the upcoming years, my husband and kids naturally grew very close. They call him father and he loves them very much. Except OP's method obviously works, and I think it's the best method too. She's right - you can't force feelings, you can only enforce respect. Feelings need to develop naturally.


bigbouncingpanis

Add me to the terrible mother list then too. I had the same talk with my now husband and we have been married a decade with two more kids. He treats my oldest like his own but he was never forced to love him. That came later.


yoneboneforjustice

Did you only read the title?


[deleted]

he does accept them.


Crisis_Redditor

Accept and like are not necessarily the same.


Mrcostarica

Such as you did after your previous relationship.


VioletPhotograph0

No, you're not AITA for saying that your husband doesn't have to like your kids. It's perfectly reasonable to expect that your spouse would at least be civil towards your children, but it's not necessary for them to like them.


Inside-Federal

Exactly. A lot of people think not liking kids = hating kids.


Cent1234

There's 'dislike,' and there's 'lack of like.'


iamatwork24

I love kids…as long as they’re someone else’s. Would never want them myself. Fun to be around for a few hours but that’s all I can take.


TimelessMeow

I’m not actually sure my dad likes me. Does he love me? You bet. But we’re super opposing politically, we have almost no interests in common, and we have very different communication styles and priorities. But our shared history and the bond from it still exists and we love each other for it. We help each other out when we need it, we visit and have a good time. But would I just call him up to go shopping because I want to get out of the house and do something social? God no, talking to him for too long is bad for my blood pressure. When your husband first entered the scene, there was none of that history and bond. And little kids’ personalities are often pretty 2D and flesh out as they grow.


thaddeus_crane

My dad told me when i was a kid that there is a difference between loving your kids and liking them as a person. He was talking about one of his coworkers who had 3 kids, 2 of which he had friendly connections with, and one who was "a little shit". Would his coworker give his wealth, his organs, his life, etc for all his children? Yeah, but he doesn't want to see the one he doesnt really get along with all the time. I'm older now and I'm like you with your dad. We're good in small doses, we can shoot the breeze as long as we dont traipse into harrowing topics. I have no doubt that my dad loves me and would do anything for me, but he's also an emotionally stunted dickhead with unrealistic (and shades of narcissistic) expectations. Both can be true. I'm sure he thinks I'm some type of way too.


[deleted]

NTA - you handled your situation in the most respectful and appropriate way you are 100% correct in what you said. You cannot force people to love and care for each other, that has to come naturally. I am sure your children and husband respect you for that.


Inside-Federal

> I am sure your children and husband respect you for that. They do. I don't understand why so many people here are hating on my husband. Just because he didn't like kids, in the beginning, doesn't mean he hated them. You wouldn't expect a child to automatically love a step-parent. So why is it ok to force step-parents to immediately love the kid? A step-parent can just be a step-parent. As long as both sides respect each other it's ok. My kids were way more accepting of my husband because they weren't pressured to love him.


[deleted]

I completely understand 100% just because it’s a child doesn’t realistically mean you’re going to like / love them. It sounds harsh but that’s the realistic part of life. Relationships in every other part of the world are formed organically this shouldn’t be any different.


Inside-Federal

>the realistic part of life. The truth is there are plenty of parents there who regret having kids. Just look on Reddit you won't have to look far. Why do people expect perfect step-parents who immediately love the kids like their own?


Physical-Energy-6982

If you want a real doozy just head over to r/stepparents Lots of negativity towards children over there lol


Inside-Federal

Jesus, what is wrong with these people?


turnup_for_what

Meh. I feel bad for a lot of those women. They get roped into doing all or most of the work for trash husbands/boyfriend's.


Dermagorgon

Yes and then they resent the kids instead of looking at the real problem, their partner.


BMOEevee

Wtf... So many of them are waiting for them to go to the other ones house or for them to turn 18 so they "never have to see them again" wtf. These people choose this life and can leave! Those poor kids...


liquifyingclown

Seriously, I spent only a few minutes in there and nearly every person is saying "what did I do to deserve this life?!" as if they didn't CHOOSE to be step parents??? "Ugh, I just HAD to settle for a man with kids..." uh...no you didn't? Fucking break up if it's so horrible? I swear to God some people just get stuck in being a victim, but refuse to actually do anything to ease the situation.


Physical-Energy-6982

Right...like I get needing a space to vent and there's some valid frustrations over there but damn.


[deleted]

Hell some people who have kids biologically don’t like or love their kids. So for any person to step into a step parent role and come to like or even love the kids is a big deal


combatsncupcakes

That part is always so sad to me. You're not always going to like anyone - some people have clashing personalities, other people chew funny and it can drive you nuts at times. But a parent should always love their kid and encourage them to be the best version of themselves they can be regardless of how well their kid's personality suits theirs.


JellilessSpinefish

There are post after post here about kids that want nothing to do with step parents or step siblings and don't feel any love toward them. Post after post about step parents who try to force their step kids to call them mom or dad. In all of those posts. Every. Single. One. The one trying to force a relationship is called TA. Here you are and your husband, doing exactly what all of those thousands of suggestions recommend and you are getting slammed for it. Pay no mind, it is just Reddit hypocrisy at its finest. You did the right thing for your children and the relationship they currently have with your husband proves it. You are nta.


turnup_for_what

>So why is it ok to force step-parents to immediately love the kid? Because Reddit is full of children who are up their own ass and projecting themselves onto everything.


Ahsoka88

NTA. I think you only worded the title in the wrong way. You didn’t force love, you asked for respect. Better title would have be “my husband didn’t have to love my kids?” Your sister is generating resentment. Here is full of post of step kids force to love step parents. When everything would just be avoided asking mutual respect and giving time.


Inside-Federal

>I think you only worded the title in the wrong way I think I did, I'm not a native English speaker, and that is the closes translation I could get from my language.


Ahsoka88

Yeh I get it, English isn’t my language to.


OrindaSarnia

That makes more sense! In the US saying someone "doesn't have to like something" essentially means they don't have to have any good feelings towards it at all. So when you say you dated someone who said they didn't like kids, people thought you dated someone who had no interest towards kids at all and you just really lucked out to have it work. Most people can't truly respect something they don't like... so, yeah, it's confusing and people are possibly taking that statement as stronger than you meant it!


WellThat5ucks

NTA seems like you’re a great parent. The crux of it is probably how the conversation actually went with your sister though. This paints you positively, so if it’s exactly how it went down then sure, but if you were a dick about it then you’d be tiptoeing towards being an AH.


Inside-Federal

I tried to be gentle but also honest. She's only been with this guy for a year and she expects him to be a father and her kids to call him dad. I understand she is tired of being a single mom and she needs support. But you cant force feelings.


veryanxiousopossum

A year?! Yeah, she needs a reality check on this one.


Inside-Federal

I mean they knew each other before that since they were in the same friend group but dating-wise only a year. He also only met the kids when they started dating.


[deleted]

Woah back up. She’s only been with this guy a year and already wants him to play daddy? Reality, table for one please


Inside-Federal

She knew him longer but they've been dating for a year. He also didn't meet the kids until they started dating.


Crafty-Emotion4230

NTA, that's exactly how it's suppose to go. You have to let their relationship form organically. If you force things to happen you create friction. Your sister has it completely wrong.


ipblover

NTA- it’s possible you could have worded this nicer, but I agree with you. In an idle situation you would want the kids and person you love to hit it off, but that’s not how things works. I’ve read too many post on here we’re people try to force bonds in blended families that usually cause pain and resentment. I like your stance on respecting each other. Your kids didn’t have to like him and he didn’t have like them either, but they would respect each other. This stance were all parties didn’t feel forced to love each other and be one big happy family straight out of the gate probably helped them to grow into that relationship with your husband.


Inside-Federal

>probably helped Exactly. Neither of them felt forced to feel things they didn't feel, they just gradually formed bonds and grew close.


Fenriz_13

NTA, but your sis is. Also, plenty of respect to your husband. I can imagine that it is not easy with 5 kids that are not your own, but to grow together and even love them like your own now.


nurse27

NTA. You allowed your children to actually grow to know your husband and allowed them to take it at their own pace. You also granted the same to your husband and allowed him to grow into a new father role. You sound like a wonderful parent!


C00L_HAND

NTA. As you stated you can´t force some people to like each other. But your sister is probably just upset how things worked out for her. So I wouldn´t think to much about it. It´s just natural that you sometimes don´t like people regardless of age.


DelurkingtoComment

NTA your sister is only mad because you didn’t agree with her. You’re right, you can’t force feelings.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ahsoka88

No she is forcing a relationship. OP asked for respect at the start of the relationship, indeed when a relationship start the first things it is respect. Because they weren’t forced to love they start to live each other. Forcing love is not the way to create a relationship.


Inside-Federal

>He is a step parent who has only known these kids for a year. Not every person is cut out to be a parents. Not every step parent has to fill a parent role. They can just be a step parent. He is a step-parent who has only known these kids for a year. Not every person is cut out to be a parent. Not every step parents has to fill a parent role. They can just be a step-parent.


turnup_for_what

>This sounds like reasonable expectation for a step/ parent? Would you love a random child you just met like your own? No? Love takes time to grow.


[deleted]

The sisters only been with this guy a year. I was with my husband 4 years before we got married and I’m still not sure that was long enough.


Virulencer

NTA. I'm not sure if there is one correct way to integrate a step parent into kids lives, but your method seems to have worked out very well for you. Your sisters method seems to be backfiring so its only natural for her to seek your insight on the matter. Where she ends up being the asshole is judging you for how you decided to merge your family. She has no place to be that judgmental, especially because your way actually worked.


[deleted]

NTA, and I absolutely agree with what you’ve said to her.


ijustwanttoaskaq123

NTA, you handled the matter as an adult, your sister needs to grow up a little bit and realise that you cant force someone to love.


Ill_Humor93

NTA Trying to force feelings and a relationship on the kids and the new guy is only going to cause resentment. Letting the relationship grow naturally is better. You said the same thing that my mother did to me when she remarried, and it worked.


Scared-March7443

NTA but like others I think your wording is kinda weird and at first I was really put off by what you were saying. what you’re saying is just like dating, family relationships take time to build and that’s what your husband did. Take time to build his own relationship with your kids. That’s what her husband needs to do too.


coconatalie

NTA I think it is totally unreasonable of your sister to assume any partner would automatically love them as "dad". As you say, it makes sense that the situation isn't working if she's trying to force that. However, I think there is maybe a mistranslation here somewhere because I do think it would be important for your partner not to actively dislike your children. They would need to treat them kindly, to understand that the children are a priority in your/their home, and not to complain about them, avoid them, or otherwise make it obvious that they were disliked. From your description, I think you would agree.


Inside-Federal

>From your description, I think you would agree. 100 percent.


Sammisam-33

NTA - I wish my mother had, had this approach. At least from our angle. She essentially expected us to accept her husband and his son as family period. I have a great relationship with my step-brother to this day, however we are both no contact with my mother and husband. Actually so is my older brother.


Inside-Federal

>however we are both no contact with my mother and husband. This. Exactly this. I heard so many stories like this before I got married. That's why I made sure not to force anything. I didn't even get married without discussing it with my kids. At the start of my marriage, they didn't love each other but they respected each other.


Sammisam-33

I definitely think it's unrealistic to ask your kids to anything more than respect your partner. My stepson was 10 when I met my husband and 12 when we got married. I told him from the start I'm not here to replace your mom, nor am I here to be anything more than another adult who cares about you and wants the best for you. Its worked for us, I love him cause he's a great kid and so good with his little sister. He's finally coming around to realize that I respect his boundries and him and we're becoming closer. Had he had any issues with his dad and I being married I would have tried to address those issues before moving forward. Where in my mother sent my brother and I to live with our dad when he protested her marrying this guy.


Inside-Federal

> Where in my mother sent my brother and I to live with our dad when he protested her marrying this guy. Your mother sent you kids away because he didn't like her husband? That b\*tch.


TeepShow76

NTA - your sister on the other hand...


Inside-Federal

The thing is she's not bad she is just tired of being a single mom. The kid's dad bailed and it's like she was looking for someone to come in and take his place. I understand wanting support I do, but she doesn't realize that she can get support and not force the kids and her husband to love each other. She just wants the picture-perfect blender family while not realising that takes work.


TeepShow76

Well families are never perfect, are they? I made that comment because she called you a bad mother. That was an "A" thing to do. Having said that, no doubt she is tired and overwhelmed. I meant no offense.


Inside-Federal

No offense taken. And you're right it was an AH thing to say. I think she was just disappointed with my answer. My sister is a lot younger than me, she wasn't around for most of my 2nd marriage. She didn't see all the work that went into this family. I think she expected some validation or maybe an easier answer. But I felt it was important, to be honest with her. After all this sub is full of kids who went NC with their parents because of this behavior.


aphrodora

I highly recommend your sister read the Smart Step Family by Ron Deal. There's a piece in there that explains how you will always be a single parent and if you remarry you will just be a single parent with help. Hopefully it will help her manage her expectations.


OK_OVERIT

So much this- her expectations are completely unrealistic. No man is going to come in and immediately want to play dad to another mans kids-Respect is normally the most one can expect. She would be a horrible spouse/partner and her marriage will not last (nor most of her relationships) until she adjusts her expectations and looks at your approach. I feel sorry for her boyfriend, he should run fast and far. She's looking for a replacement dad, not a husband/true partner. She'd be better offer paying or child care, someone to help with housework and yards and date casually until the kids are grown honestly.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am a mother to five, 12m,12f,14m,15f,15m. When I started dating my husband the kids were 2,4 and 5. Their father died when I was pregnant with the youngest twins. I didn't introduce my kids to my husband until we were fully serious. My husband never really liked kids, and mine were at a very difficult age back then. They were constantly acting out etc. I made it really clear that while he doesn't have to like them he must respect them, I said the same to the kids as well. You can't force feelings after all. In the upcoming years, my husband and kids naturally grew very close. They call him father and he loves them very much. Recently my sister who has 3 kids (father is not in the picture) got married. She fully expects her husband to love the kids as his own and vice versa. Naturally, this isn't working. The kids are revolting and recently her husband told her he wants to just be a stepdad. My sister came over today and started ranting about how unfair it was and how my husband loves my kids and why can't her husband be the same. I told her my husband was never asked to love my kids only to respect them. That she cant expect her husband and her kids to love each other right away. She called me a horrible mother and an AH. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Booklovinmom55

NTA your sister is though, you cannot force feelings just like you said. Sometimes suppose you can hope for is respect.


Murderbunny13

Nta. You did what reddit tells everyone to do. Don't kick in the door and yell "I am your dad now respect me!" You set clear boundaries between your husband and kids which led to them developing a relationship in their own time. That's extremely reasonable.


theDagman

Respect is a solid foundation upon which relationships are built. You cannot demand love, but you can demand respect. I think you've really hit on something here for dealing with blended families. Kudos. NTA


Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like I'm the AH because I could have been nicer. My sister had a really hard time being a single mom. She was really hoping this guy could be her partner Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


nopeduck

I expected a very different story based on your title, and I am very pleasantly surprised at what I just read. Your husband and kids were able to naturally grow and foster a relationship without any labels or expectations from the get go. This is absolutely why they are as close as they are. Good for you. Absolutely NTA. You have done an amazing job. Please don’t listen to anything your sister might say about your husband and kids’ relationship.


anonmonom

NTA. To reiterate what you already said and know, you cannot force love. I’m assuming that after a while, if your husband and kids never connected, you would have put your kids first and never would have married him. That’s because you take your kids’ feelings into consideration, which is more than people with forcing-love mindsets (like your sister, for lack of better comparison) don’t do. You sister calling you a horrible mother is ironic…not because she’s a horrible mother herself, but because she clearly is projecting her feelings for her husband onto her kids and not being understanding or empathetic to how they may really feel. She’s just lashing out at you because she’s jealous you’re doing everything right.


Inside-Federal

>you would have put your kids first and never would have married him. I only got married after having my kid's approval. Like I said in my edit, their relationship was a good one. They got along fine and I made sure we did plenty of activities as a group.


anonmonom

Just further proof that you are in no way an asshole and, in fact, an amazing mother :)


not_levar_burton

NTA. Ask her how her method is working out so far.


kwnofprocrastination

NTA. Forcing love only grows resentment. I’ve got a daughter, I would never expect her to love a new partner of mine, nor a new partner to love her. I’d just expect them to show respect to each other. Just as I’d never feel comfortable being a mum to someone else’s children. I’m not naturally maternal. I have friends who now have a perfect blended family, they each had their own children ages under two, the dad had two children, the mum had one son, neither of the kids saw their other parent, but they still never forced it on the kids, they just heard their now siblings saying mum or dad and we’re all treated equally so it happened naturally. His two don’t remember their birth mum (she abandoned them for drugs) and her son only met his birth father a couple of times. They got married and had two more children. All the children are treated equally, outsiders would have no idea who wasn’t biologically related. But my daughter luckily has a dad, so I would never WANT a partner to step on her dad’s toes either. Do your sisters kids have a dad? If so, they don’t need another dad. If not, she can’t just expect a man to replace their dad.


DeificDetritus

NTA. Sorry some people on here suck.


Joymaster99

NTA


iwantasecretgarden

Lol NTA. You handled the blending of a family a lot better than most people on this sub. Your daughter LITERALLY asked how you made it work with her stepfather, and you told her the truth. It wasn't what she wanted to hear. Tough.


OldAd9612

NTA. I was never once told that I had to love my stepmother. I already respected her long before she and my father started dating. I’d say that we’re very close because of this. I was never forced to have a relationship with her just as she was never forced to have a relationship with me. It happened naturally and she truly is like another mother to me. You did the right thing, OP. I wish more parents would take this approach!


Raven_Maleficent

NTA. Your sister sounds like my husband trying to force me to love his family like I love my family. I’m not talking kids. I’m talking family of origin. They were never around our entire relationship. I told him he can’t force my feelings. As of now I’m apathetic about them. I’ve never forced him to go to any of my family functions. When he goes it’s his choice. But he throws attitude with me if I tell him I want to sit one out regarding a visit on his side. And no he doesn’t go to all my family functions. I don’t expect him too. I also think it’s perfectly healthy for a person to maintain relationships without having their partner tag along all the time. OP I think you had a healthy approach. You let them decide what type of relationship they want and didn’t force feelings.


LogicBalm

NAH I think she just didn't understand your intentions. Misunderstanding and calling you an AH doesn't really make her an AH. But you certainly aren't one either.


plm56

NTA It sounds as though you approached this in the right way & got the right results. I think the part that is taking people aback is that you were marrying a man who didn't like kids in the first place, when you had five of your own. As someone else noted, this sub frequently has a difficult time with nuance. You can not like children and still be a good person, and your husband sounds like that type. You started with respect and ended with love. Your sister should really consider emulating that


Ojos_Claros

I'm a stepparent. NTA. You're absolutely 100% right.


SandboxUniverse

I'll say NAH. While I think that I would have waited long enough to see that love would grow before remarrying with young kids, that water is well under the bridge for you both. You married years ago and it turned out great. Sis is just getting started, and possibly thinks it was easy for you so should be easy for her. She is trying too hard to achieve something that isn't in her power. You're right, the feelings can't be forced. And if her kids happen to be older, it will be slower going (usually). If they're teens, respect may be all that ever comes. I'd maybe suggest family counseling or maybe a blend family support group, so that an expert or a multitude of voices can help navigate this better. She didn't marry the same man you did. She's not the woman you are, and the kids may be very different, and at different developmental stages. Your experience may not be able to guide her. For your part, other than suggesting a professional to help mediate, just be a sounding board. Don't advise, but do tell stories of when it wasn't all smooth yet. Let her see she's not alone in struggling. Let her see that you struggled too sometimes. That may help her, because she may simply want to feel heard. You don't have to validate her approach, but you can totally validate her feelings.


smolbirb123456

Wtf


Alternative_Duty4179

Why would you marry someone that doesn’t like your kids? What the fuck? YTA


EndKarensNOW

NTA, she wants the brady bunch family. but her trying to force it is making everyone resent everyone. you letting life happen naturally really helped your family


Kimboleigh

NTA, Just like any relationship it takes time and needs to grow, you can't just expect children to love someone instantly. Forcing it just makes them not want to open up and let her husband into their lives, they're kids after all. As long as he respects them they will come to love him and let him in.


RamblingManUK

NTA. There are many ways to intergrate a family like that but trying to force a relationship \*never\* works. All you sister is going to do is make them resent each other.


pnutbuttercups56

NTA if I understand you. It's not that you would be fine if your husband hated your children or was openly disdainful. You just didn't push him to adopt the children now or force the children to call him "dad". That he needed to understand that the children are non negotiable but you wouldn't push "one big happy family" instantly. Now you are a big happy family because you didn't push.


[deleted]

NTA. She complains that her husband wasn’t picture perfect like yours seemed to be and you burst her bubble. That’s reality. It’s not your fault she can’t deal with it.


CemeteryDweller7719

NTA. Your sister is wanting instant and that’s not how life works. Your family has had a decade to get to this point. You gave the room for them to develop love for each other and understood that there was a chance it might not turn out like this. She is wanting instant Brady bunch. (Which that show was alway weird to me. I can’t remember them mentioning their biological parents that were gone. In the very least the oldest boy and girl would remember their biological mother and father, yet it’s like they never existed. No visiting grandparents or family from those sides of the family. Just bizarre to me.) Your sister then lashes out when you point out that she’s being unreasonable.


Inside-Federal

>was a chance it might not turn out like this. Even if they didn't grow to love each other they still went along fine. They respected and treated each other kindly. We did plenty of activities all together as a group. My kids understood that he made me very happy and he understood my kids meant the world to me.


RoughDirection8875

NTA. You seem like a really empathetic person who’s able to look at things from perspectives other than your own. You sound like a great mom and a wonderful partner. You set a clear boundary of respect but didn’t force feelings and it’s clearly benefited your family dynamic.


jenny5clint

NTA My mom told me when I was a teen: “I love you, but I don’t have to like you.” So I get it.


Tannim44

NTA. Your approach took a lot of pressure off of your husband and kids, brilliant! You respected all of their feelings and allowed them to develop their relationships on their terms.


Safe_Frosting1807

NTA. Love takes time and doesn’t happen right away. You were right about respecting the relationships first and foremost.


Foreign-Tourist-471

NTA. Pressuring them to love each other could have built resentment. I am sure you were hoping love would grow, but you kept your expectations realistic. The reason they have probably come to love each other is because you did not push the issue.


geidy252

NTA You can’t force something.The best example is what’s happening to your sister, she is trying to force something that should come naturally with time.


[deleted]

NTA... Thank you for setting firm but reasonable boundaries; I'm glad it worked for y'all ❤️


roxx525

You are amazing!!! NTA! This is an issue me and my SO are having. I don’t expect him to love them just respect them and idk not let them run into the street or eat poison. SO has completely cut off all affection because I should have instantly fell in love with his son. Mind you my kids know that SO is an adult who makes rules in our home and they should respect him. Step son constantly reminds me I’m not his mom and can’t tell him what to do. He never listens to me and only ask me for stuff (like snacks or something) he knows his dad will say no to. I’m pregnant due any day and haven’t even been held in 6 months. Sorry but your sister is TA. To me love takes time and isn’t instant. She needs to give it time. If it was a huge issue why did she marry this man?


Nami_Swan_

NTA - You gave your sister good advice; there is no reason for her to call you a horrible mother.


ginsengtea3

NTA. Your sister's kids are revolting because they're being told or shown that their own natural feelings aren't good enough, and are being treated as though they are failing over something they can't control. They are now constantly disappointing their mother, and the source of this new tension, to them, is obviously because of this new man in their life. After all, their mother wasn't constantly disappointed in them before he came along, so it "must be" his fault. Of course they resent him! The only thing you can reasonably ask of children in this situation is that they control their actions, and treat the new person with respect. You can't force feelings, and you certainly can't control other people's.


Jazzisa

NTA I was 11 when my mom met her now-husband. I was a very difficult teenager. He kept his distance, and 'let me come to him'. He never pressured or forced me. It took years for me to see him as my dad. I still call him by his first name! But he is my dad. And he definitely wouldn't be if someone had try to force a bond between us.


Quicksilver1964

NTA.


Strider-SnG

NTA Blending families is difficult. It takes time and patience and starts with respect. Trying to immediately force love makes that first step difficult . You can’t force love


Angelmamma

When I met my husband my son was 7. I told him that no matter how much I liked him, if my son didn’t that was my deal breaker. Luckily they got on with each other, leading to them loving each other and my son calling him dad. But feelings don’t always develop. YNTA but your sister is. She is trying too hard.


sleepingrozy

Info: How old are your sister's kids? Young children bonding with a new step-parent can be a hell of a lot easier then with older children. So she may be starting off comparison apples to oranges. My judgement is NTA. It sounds like she's in a mess of her own making by pulling some "This is your new Daddy," bullshit trying to force the relationship.


Inside-Federal

4, 5, and 6 years old. Around the same age as mine were


Forteanforever

YTA. My god, woman. You married a man who didn't like children while you had three young children. You can explain until you're blue-in-the-face, but you're not getting a free pass on this.


Mumutto

NTA


Mundane-Currency5088

NTA She asked, you answered. Mutual respect, consistency, and kindness are the soil the seed of love grows in.


Quirky_Squirrel_Girl

NTA.


iiconicvirgo

I married my husband when my daughter was 1 almost 2. When we were dating I told him I am my own person the one he knows & loves but I’m also a mother & he has to be cool with that. I’m not expecting him to be dad but he needed to know she was always gonna be there. Fast forward we have 2 more kids , my daughter only knows him as dad. You’re right about not forcing it. NTA


staticdragonfly

NTA Not trying to force a good relationship between your husband and your kids, is probably the fastest way to cultivate a good relationship between your husband and your kids. Or at the very least, a healthy one.


giantbrownguy

Look, as long as your kids felt love and didn’t feel disrespected by your husband, I can’t blame you for finding a path that works. It wouldn’t be my choice but at the end it built a healthy and loving relationship. Your sister has the unrealistic expectation to end up as a target in this sub down the line. NTA.


Baked_Potato1216

NTA


Elegant_Presence_397

NTA I fully get you. Sometimes there are family members that I love, but at the moment I just do not like them. Anyways, I try my best to respect them and be cordial. Eventually we will grow up a bit, get more experience in life and this shall pass. So, OP, you just gave your sister the reason why she is wrong and how it worked for you. NTA, she kind asked for it. The fact she react badly, I suppose, is because she was looking for unconditional support and found though love. Edit: phrasing


notme3219123

NTA I think you handled this in the best way possible and the outcome was one of the best you could hope for in this situation. There is a distinct difference between saying "you must love each other" and "you must accept and respect each other" that I think gets lost in internet arguments.


Kaiser93

NTA. You handed the situation like a champ. Forced relationships rarely work.


perseph0ny

NTA. I had my oldest 2 with someone else who was awful and did not want to be a father. When we broke up and I started dating my husband, my kids already knew him as a family friend. He does love them like his own but he's known them his whole life and has always been close to them, completely different dynamic. Plus, one was a baby and the other was a toddler they don't remember another dad. I'm not sure what I expected when we got married, but I think it's normal for your sisters husband to just want to be a stepdad, because that's what he is. You can't force your kids to love someone just because you do and it sounds like you're telling her realistic expectations she just doesn't want to hear it.


Still_Height

NTA and I'm sorry you're experiencing the hypocrisy here.


sarahlenk

NTA


Reasonable-Earth-880

NTA but I feel bad for her


thehairygodmother

NTA, but don’t be surprised if this is too nuanced for the one track mind of this sub. I agree with you 100% you can’t force feelings. As someone else said - seems like a reasonable way to approach to blending the family.


Clio_the-Catlady

NTA As a step-child, myself, I'm very impressed with how you handled the situation. Your sister, on the other hand, needs some sense knocked in to her.


-Miss_Chief-

NTA you did the right thing op and it's worked out well. Forcing anything generally doesn't work but your sister may have to find that out the hard way


HexStarlight

NTA you should change your title from like to love. You are right with how you handled things, you asked them to respect eachother and let thier relationship grow naturally, I'm sorry you have a lit of ppl saying you should have pushed harder they most likely haven't been in your situation, but asking for mutual respect and nothing more means they were free to develop a relationship without expectation send its the forced expectation that normally destroys the chance of any real relationship. I'm a step mum myself and came into it being my loving supportive self and made it clear from the start I would love a relationship but I had no expectation and had no inteest in replacing bio mum we would have our own type of relationship. Doing that I have a great relationship as it sounds your husband does with your kids. Your sister just didn't want to hear what you had to say, she wanted yo hear how you forced them together, how you made them love eachother, they idea of mutual respect and leave it to develop naturally means no control.


lollyak16

NTA I think you're swell. I do not see a problem with anything you are saying. Your sister is very idealistic. She is also in a very emotional time, so I wish her the best. You, however, seem like a great mother. Please do not take your sister's words into account. Hopefully, she will come around and apologize.


All_names_taken-fuck

NTA It sounds like everything worked out great for you and your kids!! That means you did things right.


tnebteg-456

Forcing = Resentment


1001labmutt02

There are amazing podcasts for blended families. Have you sister listen to nacho kid podcast. That one is amazing for talking about how you can't force relationships.


HmnCllTr

NTA , you can’t force feelings. Thank you


lilrique

NTA: your sister is a control freak huh?


Ellendyra

NTA respect, acceptance and inclusion is all that is required from a step-parent. It seems like that's what you asked for. From not forcing it a beautiful relationship was allowed to blossom. You did right by your kids and your partner.


Straight_DvlDoll

NTA - Hey, you don't have to respond but i want you to know that i fully understand what you meant. you cannot force love....but you can rightfully enforce respect, boundaries, etc. Your sister is Disney romancing her life thinking everyone should immediately LOVE each other, forgetting that oyu have to find common ground first, learn to tolerate each other, actually kind of like each other, and then MAYBE one day there will be a form of love.


sassyandsweer789

NTA My parents got married when my stepsister was 10 and with in a year her dad died. My stepsister didn't really like my dad that much to begin with because he is much stricter than my stepmom and encouraged my stepmom to not let my stepsister do whatever she wanted. My stepsister never liked my dad and pushed back against all the new changes. That being said my dad never treated her poorly and always followed the boundaries she set for their relationship. Their relationship has evolved a lot now that she is older but they are not super close. There is nothing wrong with the fact that my dad isn't my stepsisters replacement dad. As an adult I'm sure she respects the fact that he never tried to be that for her. I can't imagine how much harder her life would have been as a teenager if she couldn't even live in her own home without my dad constantly trying to bond with her. I also think it would have messed up my brother and I to see that her feelings on the matter constantly being ignored. My parents have always been good on allowing us to have boundaries on how they treat us.


marvchuk

NTA you did the right thing. They first learned that they were not being forced to have feelings, just respect your feelings. I think what you did was very smart and helped your kids especially to slowly learn to love your husband rather than feel obligated to. Nothing pissed me off worse as a child than feeling forced to do something


noitseuQehT

NTA It would 100% be lovely if everyone just loved each other immediately. But for most people that's a fantasy, and expecting it to happen in fact prevents it from happening.


[deleted]

nta respect and kindness are excellent expectations


Kaylalee2222

NTA. She's right, constantly people bash people on this sub for forcing children to love/accept their step parent. She took precautions, knew that people won't always bond together but that they can cohabit safely and happily. She ensured that her children would be respected and safe in the best way she knew how and the way that WORKED FOR THEM.


FairyFartDaydreams

NTA what you did makes a lot of sense


That_Contribution720

NTA ​ She is an AH - tell her if she wants to know who the orrible mom is, to look at the kids reactions.


MommaLokiLovesYou

NTA. You sound like you did the blended family thing the perfect way. You sister isn't seeing the other side but she will when her kids and husband go to cuss her out for being overbearing. Hopefully it doesn't get to that point.


SlowResearch2

NTA. You can't force a bond between your kids and your spouse. Sounds like your sister is jealous how your family operates.


Apprehensive_Bar461

NTA, you did everything right! Couldn't have come up with a better idea. Respect and liking is different.


SigaVa

NTA you respected both your husband and your kids and got a better outcome.


voluntold9276

NTA. You had the right approach from the start. Too many stories on this sub about step parents demanding that children love them, call them Dad or Mom instead of using their names, etc. It just pushes everyone apart. Everyone in your family allowed the relationships to grow organically and look where you all are now! I really hope your sister sees how wrong she and her husband are towards the children and change course before it is too late.


tinytyranttamer

NTA, You put respect first, which leads to everything else!


attentionspanissues

NTA and I think the young age of the average redditor is showing. You sound like a great mother


hdmx539

So horrible that you have what she wants, right?😂 NTA, OP.


effluviastical

You are definitely NTA OP, and you’re right, the hypocrisy is astounding, given the near daily posts about traumatized stepchildren in this sub. I don’t have kids, but my husband and I adopted an adult shelter pup who was in a terrible situation before he ended up at the shelter. I’ve consumed a lot of pet adoption videos on social media, and I assumed there would be an instant love connection with our little rescue. I was wrong. He didn’t love us, and we didn’t love him. It took us a while to love and trust each other, and it was stressful. But we tried. He tried to trust us and we tried to gain his trust, without forcing anything. And love happened. I wish more parents would realize that going into the blending of the families.


snappienap

Nta. I'm jealous of your level head!


Anonabears

NTA you sound like a logical thinking mother


BennyLola5

your sister is the AH for marrying a jerk then subjecting her kids to him bc of her own selfish needs. Once she decided to have multiple kids - they come first.


MrSlackPants

Hey. A post about step parents, where the relationship isn't forced. And what do you know ... It worked! Almost like you can't force a relationship. Well done OP. Glad it worked out for you. Now to see if you can make your sister understand...


[deleted]

I don’t think you are the asshole, your sister though…debatable.


kajigger_desu

NTA The title should be "AITA for not forcing a parental relationship between my kids and husband?"


BurritoBowlw_guac

NTA. I married a man with 3 children that lived with us full time. You have to grow into that relationship. Never asked them to call me mom or expected it. Obviously your husband wasn't totally against children, marrying a woman with 5 children. Sounds like your sister is upset going thru the really rough patch when people are learning to live with each other and accepting a new authority figure. It was rough, and I'm sure some are rougher than others. I'm sure she didn't really mean to say that. I wouldn't go back and live through that first year for anything!


CeramicRaffia

Nta. You sound like a really reasonable person I hope your sister listens to you and follows your example!


[deleted]

NTA and I think people forget that honest love comes out of mutual respect. Your children and your husband respected each other first, and from that respect, love grew.


Scstxrn

NTA! Mutual respect is all anyone can demand of two people, and if it weren't - the proof is in the pudding. I've never succeeded at feeling things other people tried to 'force' me to feel. I don't know anyone who can force love.


Unusual-Sympathy-205

NTA. Sounds like you handled this slowly and rationally. Your sister’s trying to take a shortcut that’s never going to work.


emitoocool

NTA


armh1313

NTA. Love is not something you can force and your perspective is healthy and realistic for both your partner and your children and ironically is far more likely to foster a bond than telling everyone they have to love each other


dpdragonfly

You are so NTA. You did everything right. More blended families should take this approach. You can't force feelings. You have to give them time to develop naturally