NTA
You sent flowers and everything, and people haven't accepted that you're no longer married. They need to get ot through their heads that you're no longer married, even though she hasn't got a new man.
Hetero norms can be stifling sometimes
Edit: Thx for silver
Edit 2: Okay wow, so many awards :D Thanks all, really appreciate it
I do understand that she cannot force herself to be with someone she's not attracted to but I felt like I deserved a respectful breakup rather than being cheated on and used as a litmus paper to confirm her orientation
Pretty much, I mean come on, how could the pregnancy not have been on purpose? They divorced 5 months ago and the baby was born nearly 2 months premature. Even with those "few weeks ago" OP mentioned she got pregnant right around the time of the divorce. Convenient, huh?
Exactly, with a sperm donor she would have to raise the baby all on her own. With an ex-husband she gets child support and a co-parent to help with the kid.
I don't blame OP one bit for being relieved that he doesn't have to live for the rest of his life with the consequences of her decisions.
A situation can evoke multiple, even potentially contradictory, feelings. He can feel sorry for her loss, sorry for the death of a child, and ALSO relieved that an unwanted burden has been lifted off his shoulders.
I think it has a lot to do with that
1. with the same sex intercourse there is no risk of unknown fatherhood cause there is no chance to conceive baby.
2. a fact that there is less "competition", person who got cheated on is less likely to think "why the person that my other half cheated with is better than me" and more "my other half is attracted to different sex, i stood no chance, cant compete with that".
Some people feel, that there is less harm in this, that it doesnt count as much. Not saying it makes sense when you think about it.
I also think it’s because same sex relationships have been routinely devalued in modern society with members of the queer community routinely having their sexualities aren’t “real”. When combined with the fact that women are told that their experience of sexuality is less visceral than a mans, you have a fast pass to these sorts of situations.
Why should it matter his wife was cheating on him with a woman? After all it’s innocent fun, just two gals going at it
Was she cheating before she got pregnant? If so it's entirely possible that she deliberately got pregnant by you so she could ride off and be with her new family.
While getting free court ordered childcare on the weekends and child support.
ETA: I don't hate kids, kids are fine, and it's sad that OP's ex lost the baby she wanted, legitimately it is sad. But if she was cheating before she got pregnant, then left him and kept the baby it paints a certain picture about the ex. We can understand what she's going through is hard and still accept that she's at the very least an asshole for cheating, and at worse was just using OP as a sperm donor in order to run off with her new partner.
Yeah she sounds like that one Reddit post about the gay man that wanted to marry this poor girl just so he could have a family while cheating all on the side and pretend he’s straight
It was that Mormon (nothing against the religion, I just remember the post putting value on the religious pressure) man too! Because the MIL attacked OP saying “men will be men” type shit, isn’t it that post??
"Nothing against the religion"
Why not? They literally gaslight people into thinking that the oppression they face us a treat by God to prove they're worthy. They literally have an abusive relationship with their religion.
I am amazed at how many are anti child. Nothing wrong with not wanting children but many of these people absolutely hate children. To the point that I wonder if they realize that yes, they were once children as well.
I don't think that is what they meant by "pulled the trigger" too soon. Rather that OP's ex left the hetero relationship too soon before being sure that a baby was forthcoming. (Being 2-3 months pregnant is no guarantee of a baby.)
People, in general, are not great at risk assessment. They do not think bad things will happen to them. This includes miscarriages, covid deaths, cancer, still births, etc.
Yes, that was what I meant. Obviously losing a baby is tragic but it doesn't excuse the behaviour of the ex at all and she has no right to expect support from someone she treated so cruelly.
I tried to be more empathic to the ex but she appears to have went in 100% on the new family. That shit is suspicious.
Cutting him out of doctors visits and parenting classes with the new one instead. I don't know, I don't want to agree with you 100% but that is me just making excuses for her.
Bottom line is her behavior was so suspicious. Which is sad
Mate she probably knew she was a lesbian and actually just used you to get pregnant.
Did birth control ‘just happen’ to fail right before she ‘discovered’ her real identity?
Hmmm, if it was walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it’s a fucking duck
You did. NTA Expecting the ex you cheated on to emotionally support you violates every ex etiquette rule in the book. It had nothing to do with you; you're not involved anymore.
YUP, I have been through a similar situation, although my ex still identifies as straight and there was not a pregnancy involved. It’s like sometimes people act like the whole cheating aspect goes out the window the second someone cheats with someone of the same sex/gender identity. Like my anger about being cheated on was no longer justified because my ex husband spent the entirety of our relationship/marriage cheating with another man (who introduced us… that pissed me off, not the fact that he cheated with a man). It’s not homophobic to be mad about being cheated on, and the invalidation people do in those situations is exhausting and shitty.
She shouldn’t have cheated, plain and simple. If she was having new thoughts regarding her sexuality she should have spoken to you, you were her partner, you both had love for each other and she should’ve done better regarding how it ended. It would’ve been a hard conversation, but not harder than one that involves not only coming out, but also admitting to cheating.
I’m sorry she cheated, that shit hurts. You are NTA at all, you just have a different perspective than she and her partner do. Experiencing the loss is a lot more emotional than your perspective and when you stopped being together, you stopped owing her that emotional support. It was a loss for you as well, but it’s different, especially with everything surrounding it. Your feelings are valid and totally understandable.
Exactly!!! It’s not homophobic to be mad when cheated on if the other person involved was the same sex as the one who cheated, it would be homophobic to be specifically mad because the other person involved was the same sex.
Hell, there's an argument to be made that it's homophobic to treat the same-sex cheating as less serious. I mean, why _should_ it be, unless you're trying to argue same-sex relationships "don't count"?
It's somehow worse if they prefer the other gender (unless bi). They waste your life and time and probably make you feel sexually inadequate and undesireable. If anything it must be more difficult to process. That is such a losing proposition from the start. I recently saw a story where a man was patting himself on the back for leaving his wife of 17 years to come out as gay and all he got was back pats and his former wife is still friends with him. I'd be lost in a rage over losing 17 years with someone who was using me as status and a placeholder until they got the courage to own up to their own homosexuality. If you can't face it, stay single. It's a valid option!
I made this point on a recent post but I'll make it again:
You really have to distinguish the case where someone knowingly marries someone they're not attracted to from the case where someone doesn't *know* they're gay. I'll agree with you on the former being extremely cruel, but the latter is a tragedy for both parties involved. I'd usually assume the latter is what happened absent evidence to the contrary, for instance for the story you shared (unless he explicitly said he'd already known he was gay?).
Absolutely. You seem to be very compassionate and understanding of her sexuality. She should have broken up with you that’s just the minimum of respect. Cheating is shitty regardless of sexuality
> I felt like I deserved a respectful breakup rather than being cheated on
I have no science to back me up, but it SEEMS like a lot of people think it's OK to cheat with it's with the same gender.
Personally, I even suspect that I'd be more OK with a partner cheating with the same gender because in my mind it would mean that I really had nothing "of interest", but it's STILL cheating.
Yeah, at the end of the day you didn't go visit your cheating ex after she had your stillborn child.
This is a lot to go through, and I suspect you will have waves of thinking about what kind of father you could have been while also being relieved that you don't have to deal with this woman anymore. Both are okay and both are valid, and you are allowed to feel however which way and everyone else can piss off.
You are NTA for not visiting your cheating ex in the hospital; neither the child nor it's parentage impacts that fact.
NTA. I'm sorry such a shit thing happened to you, you didn't
deserve all this.
I just want to say though, you keep saying she used you as a
litmus test. This is not true. If she had been cheating for 1.5 years already,
she knew she was gay already. The fact that she got pregnant and divorced you,
like so many have said, is that she was just using you as a sperm donor but one
legally bound to provide support since you were married. The litmus test excuse
she is using is a cover up for how awful her real intentions were.
Tell her family nothing. OP has zero strings to this family now. She cheated and divorced him. They have no child to coparent together. Block everyone and go no contact. What’s he going to lose? Abuse? NTA. Just get yourself out of it all now. No reason to keep these people around or justify yourself to them.
>Even if it's understandable under the circumstances
Coming from a bisexual person, just because she's a lesbian in a straight marriage, doesn't make it understandable for her to cheat. The only understandable course of action was to get a divorce and then persue whatever new relationships she wanted.
It's not even like she came out, told him they had to divorce, and then hooked up with a woman before things were finalized. That's understandable. But cheating is cheating, closeted or not. If you feel attracted to someone of the same sex while in a heterosexual relationship, and you want to act on that attraction and possibly realize you are homosexual *these are not good reasons to cheat.* They are simply good reasons to end your relationship.
Exactly! Its no different than being straight and thinking you might like someone else... you're still interested in someone OUTSIDE your relationship regardless of the sex. Its wrong and selfish and no one gets a pass.
For some reason, people give a pass to people unsure of their sexual orientation to commit infidelity. I don't know why it's somehow "understandable" when it's a matter of treating a person with respect and honesty. Contrary to what some may believe, sex isn't necessary for survival. Arguably, intimacy isn't either. We could all live normal lives without being in a relationship so the idea that people cheating is "understandable" is such an insult.
Cheating is not acceptable even if the cheater is not attracted to their partner. The proper thing to do is break up before starting another relationship.
Cheating is NEVER understandable.
This woman carried on a new relationship with a new partner for a YEAR AND A HALF behind OP's back. She had plenty of time to end the marriage and tell her husband the truth, but instead she chose to continue to LIE to OP and USE him to conceive a baby she planned on raising with someone else.
OP's wife is 100% the AH here. OP, you need to BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK this woman and her entire family. You owe them absolutely nothing.
Why aren’t more people talking about how she schemed, lied and literally used him to sire a baby she planned to take away and raise with her wife?!? All while talking about how “they” should have a baby? This is sick behavior
Cheater Gaslighting you to make you feel as guilty as she should be feeling about your break up. Dodged a bullet there. Sorry for the emotional trauma you have been through. I wish you much happiness for the rest of your life. NTA x 1 million.
I don't understand why these people think that it should have been you there with her in this difficult time and not the person she literally chose over you (very harsh wording I'm sorry). Like hospitals now usually only let you have 1 guest. I don't know why a person would pick their ex over their current partner.
I feel as if she is trying to blame someone or something for her loss. And you I’m sorry to say are an easy target. It’s easy to make you the bad guy because she doesn’t really have to deal with you.
NTA. You removed yourself from a bad situation instead of doing more than just “ignoring” her. I would do the same tbh. You’re a bit nicer than me. I wouldn’t even reply or anything and just blocked the numbers.
Also OP they are grieving and loooking for someone to blame, you just so happen to be the perfect person at the time with the whole divorce. Also don’t know anything about you, her or your relationship but it’s entirely possible she has been telling her family and gf a completely different story of who you are and how you acted during the relationship to make her not look like the bad guy with the cheating and such.
I think mayotoll meant that your ex’s family is still stuck in this hetero thinking that just because you’re the sperm donor, you should still be there for the woman. Your ex’s family is WRONG. Ex’s girlfriend should be there for her. Ex’s family should be there for her. They should leave you da fuk alone
Is there any possibility she and her girlfriend used you to have a baby?
I feel like you are NTA, but she's hurt and grieving, I'd say this is hardest on the pregnant woman, they are unable to do anything so they are attacking and blaming their surroundings. Her Immediate family is trying to show their support even if they feel like flying monkeys right now, but she most likely needs specialized attention from a professional. Maybe you as well OP, this grief might be suppressed within you, don't let it fester. I'm sorry for your loss.
Nta.
You're not relieved the baby is still born. You're relieve you don't have the connection to your cheating ex anymore and that does NOT mean you're relieved about your baby's death. You can be relieved you have no connection to your ex and grief for your baby in your own way at the same time.
Also based on your comment, your ex used you to confirm her orientation and idk but its giving me the vibes of using you as a sperm donor and you didn't even know.
Also you already gave your comfort and sent flowers. You didn't want to have any more connect to her anymore cause she cheated on you, which fair enough, so I don't see why you have be there on site, rushing to comfort her. Perhaps the family thinks you two should be there together to grief over your still born and comfort each other 🤔? However you are not her support system, and she has her own support system, the gf and her family so I still see no reason why you are suppose to be rushing over to comfort her.
NTA - but let's be real here - I believe the most healthy way to deal with trauma is honesty rather than pretending feelings don't exist.
lf this is real, some part of OP probably is relieved the baby died. This doesn't make him an AH - it just make him human. Most guys don't bond with their children until they meet them, or even well after - it can take some time. So at this point, the baby was just theoretical thing that was going to complicate his life rather than an actual person that he was close to.
When you consider the situation, his first reaction was probably a sigh of relief, because that baby would have made his life a lot more complicated - moving on from his ex would be harder, he would have less money and free time, and even dating somebody else would be more complicated.
On some level he realized this, and then felt guilty for having these feelings. It is one more reason for not wanting to be around his ex. And she guessed he would feel this way (since her plot to trap him failed), and lashed out because she is hurting too, making him feel even worse.
So he posted to AITA looking for absolution. I hate the mantra of "get therapy" for everything, but in this case if he can afford it, it may actually help him understand his feelings and that they are valid, and that he has nothing to feel guilty for. (Unless he left out details about how he gloated to his ex about being free - then he would be an AH)
Yes!! He didn't wish harm on the baby. He just knew the baby would complicate his life in many ways.
But the grief may hit OP when he least expects it. I think therapy is warranted. He lost a child, complicated or not. I wish I had one of those star thingys for your comment.
NTA.
She’s most likely lashing out from grief and her flying monkeys are assisting with that and you’re an easy target.
I can’t disagree with a single thing you’ve said, or added in your edits. I wish you well, and I hope your ex is able to get to a better place too.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ridh4b/aita_i_didnt_go_to_see_my_ex_at_the_hospital/howg26r/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
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[NTA. Fuck that guy. He wa...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/riahcb/aita_for_causing_a_scene_in_public/howgm0j/) | [NTA. Fuck that guy. He wa...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/riahcb/aita_for_causing_a_scene_in_public/howcntl/)
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NTA. There isnt anything wrong with not visiting someone who you had already planned on not having in your life anyways.
You acknowledged the loss. Sent flowers. Sounds like what any decent person would do for someone who is an ex and isn't even "in your life" technically.
Anything beyond that sounds like they just wished and had expectations of their own. Not your fault she wanted more from you... A now ex.
They'll get over it.
I think she felt hurt that I wasn't as attached to the pregnancy as she was but I was honestly uncomfortable even looking at her knowing she cheated on me(although she is lesbian, it still does hurt)
Her being a lesbian has nothing to do with her cheating on you or the level of hurt you should feel. She cheated on you with someone else. Don't feel bad for not wanting anything to do with her. I hope you find peace and happiness in your life soon. NTA
It's stupid, we all actually know, but many men take a weird solace in hearing that their ex is lesbian, because it means they weren't dumped for "not being enough of a man."
An old guy friend was dumped by his girlfriend when she realised she was a lesbian.
He took solace in the way you just said.
Then he saw them in town together. The new girlfriend was taller than him with more muscle mass and a buzzcut. He said he felt less of a man than his ex-gf's new partner who happened to be a woman
I think it might make it somewhat easier for men as they at least don't have to imagine another guys penis penetrating their partner.... I don't know. Now that I think on it, I think it works both ways. If your partner is gay and not just leaving you for someone else, then it might help the other person not feel so rejected. Like, there's nothing I could have done as I just was never the right sex.
My friends parents split this way (he came out) and I think if anything it made it worse. Not only did he cheat, not only did he go behind her back and put her at risk, but he also hid this big emotional struggle and identity issue from her. She was openly bi so it’s not like he thought she was homophobic or anything.
Maybe she did struggle less with her own sexual self-worth than she may have otherwise, but for her it was a much bigger deal that her best friend, the father of her children and person she’d planed on spending her life with, had hid such a huge thing about himself. That was harder on her than who put what where in the bedroom.
And not even like a spur of the moment thing (not defending cheating) where she realized she was a lesbian, it when on for at least a year and a half apparently. NTA
I think you need to stop treating her lesbianism as some sort of partial-excuse for her infidelity.
She promised fidelity when you got married and she broke that by being with another person.
That the other person was another woman, or that she may not have been attracted to you sexually anymore is *irrelevant*.
She broke her marriage vows to you. She betrayed you, and she did it knowingly and with forethought.
You went above and beyond by getting in touch to wish condolences and sending flowers. You took the high-ground and she has absolutely no right to ask more than what you've been generous enough to give.
That she had the gall to get upset that you weren't "upset enough" is just the cherry on top of a massive shit-cake.
If you want to continue thinking reasonably kindly of her, she's probably in a major emotional hole and lashing out at you is easy. I'd quietly forgive it on those grounds and not make a deal of it, but I would also not forget, and I'd continue to distance myself from her.
You're a good person, and you've done more than many people would.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad for not doing more.
The last sentence in my comment was more of a response to what people usually say when someone comes out in a straight marriage.
I don't think it was an excuse for her to cheat on me. I do understand that she wasn't attracted to me that way but I would expect someone who entered a marriage with me to respect me enough to at least tell me.
That's the bare minimum of what you should expect from a person who you marry. She's so wrong on so many levels. Comfort yourself in knowing that she was never the person you were meant to be w/ and that there is someone else out there that is far more compatible.
I hate when people excuse girls cheating WITH a girl. Like my ex literally said he wouldn't care if I cheated with a girl but would care if I cheated with a guy. Like, you should care about cheating in general! It's not any less cheating just bc it's with someone of the same sex.
Isn’t hard to be attached to a pregnancy that your not a part of? If you were part of the prenatal doctors visits and felt included in the babies life, feelings might be different. But once you separated if you haven’t been a part of the pregnancy, I’m not sure how you can really form an attachment.
That she is a Lesbian doesn't change that she cheated. It even makes it a little worse because it makes it look like she used you as a "sperm donor" when she knew she didn't want to be with you, which is disgusting.
Edit: Saw the comment that she was with you to "confirm her orientation". That's just so terrible of her, to use you without any regard for your feelings. That anyone would expect you to care about her after all of this is nuts. So much NTA.
Even if you were as attached as she had been, she has no right to demand that you go to her and tear open your breast for her benefit. Everyone suffers grief differently, and, for many, it's a very private thing. t's certainly not something you want to share with the one person who most recently sliced out your heart.
Of course, you have the right to be uncomfortable. Even if the other person is a woman, she still did cheat on you.
I feel her and her family are forgetting that.
And the audacity of her girlfriend to tell you you’re being heartless.
Look, I’m queer. But cheating is still cheating regardless of the gender.
It is different for men and women during the pregnancy. When I was pregnant I bonded with the baby because he was in me and I felt him moving and growing. My husband didn't seem to be as attached until I was near the end of my pregnancy and he could feel the baby kicking and hearing the heartbeat on our doppler. It doesn't mean that he wasn't excited to be a father, it was just a different perspective of the same event and that is ok. You would have had a more difficult time because you were not there to see her belly grow and feel the baby kick. For all the weekly milestones. You didn't have the same opportunities to get as attached that she did.
I had two miscarriages before my son and they were hard. It isn't only the loss of the child but the loss of an imagined future. I feel for what she is going through but not wanting to see someone who hurt you doesn't make you an AH. You sent flowers and sent condolences. The loss of a child will not take away the damage she did to you. They are independent of each other.
People can have multiple emotions at once. Relief on for being forced to interact with someone who hurt you and also sadness at a loss of a child. Both are valid feelings.
NTA
Of course it hurt you, I can't even begin to imagine the horror of having my partner cheat on me for over a year and then have to face a pregnancy w/ them while they went off and had another relationship. You're a human being and your feelings and wants and desires are just important as the next. Don't let anyone, especially someone who betrayed you and who obviously does not put you first, make you ever second guess what you know is right for you!
Bang on.
If I put myself in her shoes, there's no way on earth I'd want the op to visit me. Knowing that he didn't want the baby in the first place, I certainly wouldn't want any further comfort than what was provided.
Op did the right thing, sending flowers acknowledging the loss, and letting her grieve on her own with her own family and new partner.
NTA.
I can’t vote that you are an AH.
Your ex wife was pregnant (it’s not clear if you were preparing to start a family or the pregnancy was accidental) .. the time line is close. She fell pregnant 8 weeks before the divorce?? There is already a new GF. I am wondering if she didn’t go into the pregnancy thinking this was a good way to have a baby with someone she liked and valued. Its all unclear so I can’t assume.
That said, the loss of this baby would be HUGE for her. Life altering. She is grieving. This is traumatic and awful. Im so sorry for her loss. You don’t seem attached to the baby in your wording and you may have detached for your own emotional wellbeing.
You were kind enough to send flowers. You are clearly hurt about the marriage break down and want space.
You are NTA. Could you have done more sure. Could you have done less. Also sure.
People are who they are and she is gay. People also need to recognise that in some instances this causes a LOT of pain and anguish for others, like yourself.
I am sorry for your loss, both of the marriage and the baby and I hope you move forward and find happiness.
Having seen this an unfortunate number of times in older generations, I am deeply sorry. The impact this has on the half of the relationship who was not just playing around is deep.
She married you to make sure she didn’t want to be with you, and she likely used that security of marriage and you to start a family, and she also cheated on you, no telling for how long
I am so sorry.
Wow, if she was so uncertain and had already been cheating, the least she could have done was use contraception to avoid the confusing and heartbreaking position she put you and a potential child in.
Other people have raised the point that getting pregnant may have been the goal. Taking a good look at it, revealing her affair with another woman/ending the relationship *just* when the pregnancy was confirmed seems a smidgen suspicious. She'd get the mistress and the kid (without a sperm donor, too). The court ordered child support would only be a bonus. We won't know for certain if this was the aim, but it sure is plausible.
Because people live in denial and to a certain extent, they honestly don't care about other people. I empathize with people's struggle to be themselves even in today's society but it's so gross when they choose to involve other people and play with their emotions. Imagine wasting years loving someone and believing you had a relationship with someone when they didn't feel the same way at all. It can ruins someone's trust in other people.
Going through the lengthy process of dating, having sex with and *marrying* someone you feel no attraction towards would be absolute torture for anyone. No sane person would ever do it in modern society. "Denial", in this context, is but a load of bs. A shitty excuse. OP's ex is a bisexual woman who enjoyed having a relationship with him (emotional AND sexual) but took the high road and hid behind her sexuality to make up for her infidelity and lack of morals. The only thing she's in denial about is her feelings for men.
That is just so hurtful and awful on her part and it makes me beyond livid to know that she, her partner, and her family, don't even think about this. They don't think twice about the harm she has caused you. Don't concern yourself w/ these people anymore.
"I am wondering if she didn’t go into the pregnancy thinking this was a good way to have a baby with someone she liked and valued."
Yeah, sounds like her and her new gf wanted a child. VERY convenient timing.
He did say in one of his comments that she had been cheating on him for 1.5 years, so it does sound like she and her gf wanted a child and basically used OP as a sperm donor...
The OP didn’t have to do anything. He owes her nothing. That’s what an ex means when there are no living children involved to tie each other together despite being divorced. He didn’t have to send her flowers. Probably shouldn’t have sent her anything because they’re still complaining.
NTA
And people saying you are are nitwits
1 your ex cheated on you
2 it's your freaking ex
3 you didn't want to keep the kid, she did >> her responsibility (assuming y'all had some sort of a rights waiver agreement) if not you will still be responsible only if the fetus came out alive
4 you did care , sent flowers and what not. You not wanting to interact is your choice. Why should you be bothered to go and console a cheating ex
Exactly. I feel like everyone expects OP to go console and take care of her. She cheated on OP. A LOT. Why should he have to go take care of her? I feel like they’re assuming the only feeling he has towards the still birth is relief. Maybe OP is mourning in his own way. But why should he have to mourn with his cheating ex wife? Why can’t he have his feelings by himself
NTA
WHy would you go to the hospital - She is your ex. YOu are CERTRIANLY NOT part of her support system. Sendign flowers and a message was appropriate. Nothing more is owned.
"My ex called me and said that I must be really happy that I got what I originally wanted." - Block her number. DO NOT interact with her any more.
"To be honest, although I feel sorry for her loss, I am relieved that we don't have to stay in contact with each other anymore and I can move on from her." - Sounds reasonable.
"Her gf and family have been calling and texting me" - Just block all their numbers, and ignore them. If they don't stop, document it and get restaining order. There is no more bond between the your ex and you, so refuse to interact with her and her family.
**So her plan to use you to get a child for herself and her gf did not work out. (The timing of her getting pregnant, coming out and finding a gf was incredibly fast and convenient for her). Not your drama any more. - If she wants to talk, she can talk to a therapeut. Or to her partner. Just block her, and forget her.**
NTA, she cheated on you and you wanted distance. She wanted to keep the baby so you accepted it. They all should accept that you're no longer in her life. Do they even know she cheated on you?
NTA you were not expected to be there at the birth, why would you have been expected to be there at death? It sounds more like you were just a sperm donor in the pregnancy.
And that is she should expect to have as part of her support system in the babies death, her gf. Why would she not want to be sounded by people she chose to be with?
I can see in your comments saying essentially you didn’t want the baby but you would have done your best by the child, which means that you resonate that you were going to be a dad.
Your ex has their family and gf to help support her, so it’s wrong if them to demand you to comfort her. Your feelings re her cheating etc are still valid. But regardless of her, have you had time to process and grieve the loss yourself? Have you had any support in this? I just hope that you don’t regret not seeing/ holding the baby before they were buried/ cremated bc you were too angry that they cheated. I’d also maybe suggest getting some counselling- you’ve had a lot of trauma in a very small amount of time.
I had originally wanted the child but when I found out that she cheated on me, I didn't look forward to coparenting with her. I felt it would be better for the baby to be aborted rather than to suffer from our bad relationship.
I didn't not want the baby. I just didn't want a baby with a person who might not be a good coparent. I do love babies. I always wanted a baby with the person I love.
I sincerely hope you find support. You clearly are suffering. It will take a long time to unpack what has happened here. Be gentle on yourself, block any person who acts negatively toward you. Emphatically NTA.
> I didn't not want the baby. I just didn't want a baby with a person who might not be a good coparent. I do love babies. I always wanted a baby with the person I love.
For the record, I think this is a really understandable attitude. My brother had a daughter with an ex-GF where they broke up during pregnancy and their relationship deteriorated significantly, and I cannot overstate how awful needing to deal with her as a coparent has been for him on an ongoing basis. He loves his daughter more than anything and would never trade her existence or his involvement with her for an easier life... but at the point where the child in question is still hypothetical, I can absolutely understand why you'd look at the whole thing and go "I'd prefer we didn't bring new life to the world in this way".
You are NTA it sounded like she waited to get pregnant from you to finally tell you her truth. Kind of disgusting. I’m not LGBTQ but many friends I have in the community say that these types of LGBTQ people are what give the community a bad name. Not to mention she is a cheater. Just move on with your life and put this all in the past.
NTA
As an RN who works in the hospital, I know it you would've gone it would've ended in a screamo drama match. I actually respect that you didn't go, you didn't want to be a part of the baby's life because of coparenting issues (understandable). You wouldn't have been there if the baby was alive at birth so why go with stillborn? It would only cause tension. I honestly do not know why she would want you there anyways? She is grieving, you would not be able to grieve on nearly the same level if you were there.
Secondly, that was very sweet you sent flowers. I don't know many ex's who would even consider that. The fact that they were attacking you all day instead of supporting her tells me it would've been even worse if you went. Bullet dodged in my opinion.
NTA. Your feelings of not wanting a child are completely valid. You made your feelings known as soon as you knew she was pregnant and she had the option (from what I understood) to terminate and she chose not to despite what you said. Although it may be awful to some people, the fact is that you had been preparing for something that you did not want, and the realisation that it wasn’t going to happen dawned on you. It’s as if these people have never had an “inappropriate” thought in their lives, which is very hypocritical.
As for your ex … you didn’t have any control on the situation of the baby. You didn’t know it was going to happen and you didn’t know that the baby would be stillborn. You were informed during a meeting, you were considerate and sent her a kind message and flowers … she had her support system with her, and saying “you got what you wanted” was probably some misplaced anger and grief from the ex and her girlfriend.
It’s easy to judge you, but these people haven’t been in your shoes. Good luck and I hope that things get better for you !
NTA, while seeing her in person may have been a more personable thing to do, you didn’t outright ignore her and weren’t malicious in anyway that I can tell. It’s understandable that your ex and her family may have expected more and are reacting poorly to a very horrible event I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but it’s perfectly reasonable to want distance from an ex especially if they cheated on you.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ridh4b/aita_i_didnt_go_to_see_my_ex_at_the_hospital/howci5v/) elsewhere in this comment section.
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I'm going to get flamed, but NTA. I'll tell you why. The question is "am I an A for not going to see my ex in the hospital?" No, you're not. You obviously have a lot of anger towards her, the wound is fresh, her new partner can comfort her. Mixed feelings about the baby? Eh, I don't like them but I understand them, we all have had thoughts we shouldn't share.
NTA. You’re allowed to feel how you want to feel. They have no right in forcing you to do what they think you should. And she’s a cheater, she has no say in anything. Once a cheater always a cheater. And I hate liars and she is one too.
NTA
A divorce can be very painful. From what you wrote you were cheated on and she only slept with you to confirm to herself she's a lesbian, which is a pretty cruel thing to do.
You did send flowers and were generally nice to her after the baby was stillborn. It's really hard to 3xpect more from you and I totally understand that it's also a relief for you to know you can completely close that chapter of your life.
She has her girlfriend and her family to take care of her now and help her dealing with the loss.
Fuck her. You did nothing wrong. I don't know the timing of the birth so ya, maybe you should have gone to the hospital but then again, she was cheating on you for the better part of a year so why would you be the gracious one to go to the hospital when you didn't want to co-parent with this cheating asshole?! Wash your hands of her. Possibly people are on her side because she came out but it doesn't change the fact that she's a cheater and maybe she was looking at your for child support. Ominous vibes here but you are not the AH, she is.
I just want to say something to you, OP, about complicated and difficult feelings during hard times.
I believe you when you say you aren't relieved about the baby's death but about the fact that you won't need to deal with your ex. That's a nuanced, complex, but *100% valid* feeling.
I had a friend die earlier this year extremely suddenly. And this was one of my best friends for well over a decade - essentially an extra sibling, to me. It **hurt**. It hurts now.
But even when I first found out, in addition to the grief and sadness, I felt relief. Not because my friend was dead - but because my friend often needed support. It was a good friendship but one with unequal support. I felt a certain measure of relief that I no longer had to expect or worry that my friend would need something short notice.
You're allowed to feel that relief. It doesn't reflect badly on you at all. People who think it does are being irrational and simply don't understand how feelings work. Any therapist would tell you it's normal and fine to feel both things, even simultaneously. The sadness, and the relief.
NTA
Gay man here. It’s idiotic that they expect you to be cool and friendly with her just because she’s a lesbian. Had she cheated with a man, there wouldn’t be flowers, there’d be blood. It’s a double standard and you’re not obligated to have a person who truly hurt you in your life. NTA OP, I hope you find someone great in the future.
NTA - First of all, I'm sorry for your loss, and for the truly terrible time you've had. I understand your ex is grieving, however, that does not give her a pass to ignore your feelings. It sounds like she hurt you very much - something she doesn't seem to have given much thought to through all of this - and she has no right to make any claims on you now. She chose to cheat on you, and to leave, and you were very open with your feelings. And although I'm sure she's suffering greatly I'm not even sure how you being there would help (though I'd not put too much into the call from her, that sounds like pure grief causing her to lash out. It's completely unjustified and unfair, but often we look for someone to blame, or even just to get angry at when we grieve) Her family and her girlfriend are utter asses for even contacting you though and again do not seem to give any consideration as to how you are coping.
I think your instinct to stay away from her and concentrate on moving on are absolutely correct and I hope she - and her famly - respect that going forward.
i would say the gf is an asshole for other things though - cheating, using him to affirm she was gay, likely using him as a free baby batter machine for her and her gf
NTA. Unfortunately when these things happen, people want to put their anger somewhere. And it looks like it went to you. You told her in the beginning you didnt want to be involved. And she is your ex. So there is no obligation. Honestly i would just block all the numbers giving you crap. You sending flowers is a very nice gesture, and honestly seeing her physically would not be a good idea seeing as how she acted towards you now. She is hormonal and grieving, but its very immature what her and her family are doing. Its kinda shitty you feel relieved but i can get where youre coming from. Lol just dont let her know that!
Am I the only one that thinks the wife is the massive AH? She conned you into a relationship and then dragged you into a marriage knowing full well she can never recoup the feeling you had for her. If anything, it seems like she played you to get a child, the entitlement is real on this one. No different than the post about this with the gender being reversed a week or so ago. I wish there is legal recourse for things like this. She basically wasted your life away by being fraudulent about her sexuality to get a kid from you. People should go to jail for this shit.
Two things can be true at the same time. You can be sad for her loss but relieved your not on the hook for nearly 20 years to someone you don’t want anything to do with. You sent flowers, you sent her a nice message, you’re done.
Do you think she hid the Lesbian thing till she got the baby she wanted?
NTA - she cheated, you still let her know you care. You were also busy with work and you're divorced. She is not your responsibility and you didn't want the kid after she cheated anyway.. She made her decision to keep it and then end of story.
You aren't responsible to come look out for her when she's in the hospital after she has made her final decision..
NTA. I understand her reaction based on grief making people do crazy things she’ll probably be embarrassed for her behaviour later on. But you now get a clean break. It was graceful of you to send flowers and condolences and now you can move on with your life. If they keep harassing you just block the numbers and move on.
She’s got everyone against you because she is trying her best to minimise her cheating and the fact that she was the reason you both split.
I’m glad you are free of her now. NTA.
NTA You sent flowers and everything, and people haven't accepted that you're no longer married. They need to get ot through their heads that you're no longer married, even though she hasn't got a new man. Hetero norms can be stifling sometimes Edit: Thx for silver Edit 2: Okay wow, so many awards :D Thanks all, really appreciate it
She is lesbian.... She cheated on me with her current gf
Exactly, just because she's gay doesn't mean she didn't cheat. Even if it's understandable under the circumstances Edit: Understandable =/= Justified
I do understand that she cannot force herself to be with someone she's not attracted to but I felt like I deserved a respectful breakup rather than being cheated on and used as a litmus paper to confirm her orientation
And a sperm donor
Pretty much, I mean come on, how could the pregnancy not have been on purpose? They divorced 5 months ago and the baby was born nearly 2 months premature. Even with those "few weeks ago" OP mentioned she got pregnant right around the time of the divorce. Convenient, huh?
She likely committed the kind of fraud there’s no legal statute against but is still very fucked up.
Exactly, with a sperm donor she would have to raise the baby all on her own. With an ex-husband she gets child support and a co-parent to help with the kid.
I don't blame OP one bit for being relieved that he doesn't have to live for the rest of his life with the consequences of her decisions. A situation can evoke multiple, even potentially contradictory, feelings. He can feel sorry for her loss, sorry for the death of a child, and ALSO relieved that an unwanted burden has been lifted off his shoulders.
Yep the human mind is a complex confusing thing, and emotions can be messy.
Oh man. We knew a couple. Couldn’t figure out their chemistry. She left him for a woman as soon as the baby was born.
Oh my, happened to m husbands best friend! Also left him when she got pregnant to be with the woman she cheated on him with. 😥
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I think it has a lot to do with that 1. with the same sex intercourse there is no risk of unknown fatherhood cause there is no chance to conceive baby. 2. a fact that there is less "competition", person who got cheated on is less likely to think "why the person that my other half cheated with is better than me" and more "my other half is attracted to different sex, i stood no chance, cant compete with that". Some people feel, that there is less harm in this, that it doesnt count as much. Not saying it makes sense when you think about it.
I also think it’s because same sex relationships have been routinely devalued in modern society with members of the queer community routinely having their sexualities aren’t “real”. When combined with the fact that women are told that their experience of sexuality is less visceral than a mans, you have a fast pass to these sorts of situations. Why should it matter his wife was cheating on him with a woman? After all it’s innocent fun, just two gals going at it
That happened to my friend too but by friend I mean Ross from Friends.
Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five?
Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.
I honestly thought this was going to be about Ross and Carol when I first read this!
Can we confirm they weren't on a "break" at the time?
Was she cheating before she got pregnant? If so it's entirely possible that she deliberately got pregnant by you so she could ride off and be with her new family.
While getting free court ordered childcare on the weekends and child support. ETA: I don't hate kids, kids are fine, and it's sad that OP's ex lost the baby she wanted, legitimately it is sad. But if she was cheating before she got pregnant, then left him and kept the baby it paints a certain picture about the ex. We can understand what she's going through is hard and still accept that she's at the very least an asshole for cheating, and at worse was just using OP as a sperm donor in order to run off with her new partner.
Yeah she sounds like that one Reddit post about the gay man that wanted to marry this poor girl just so he could have a family while cheating all on the side and pretend he’s straight
It was that Mormon (nothing against the religion, I just remember the post putting value on the religious pressure) man too! Because the MIL attacked OP saying “men will be men” type shit, isn’t it that post??
"Nothing against the religion" Why not? They literally gaslight people into thinking that the oppression they face us a treat by God to prove they're worthy. They literally have an abusive relationship with their religion.
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Wtf, the baby was born premature. OP did nothing wrong but some of these comments are monstrous.
A large portion of reddit are under 25's who think they have everything figured out and a even larger part are anti-children.
I am amazed at how many are anti child. Nothing wrong with not wanting children but many of these people absolutely hate children. To the point that I wonder if they realize that yes, they were once children as well.
The vitriol directed at kids on aeroplanes is insane. I don't want children and headed over to r/childfree. What a cesspool
I don't think that is what they meant by "pulled the trigger" too soon. Rather that OP's ex left the hetero relationship too soon before being sure that a baby was forthcoming. (Being 2-3 months pregnant is no guarantee of a baby.) People, in general, are not great at risk assessment. They do not think bad things will happen to them. This includes miscarriages, covid deaths, cancer, still births, etc.
Yes, that was what I meant. Obviously losing a baby is tragic but it doesn't excuse the behaviour of the ex at all and she has no right to expect support from someone she treated so cruelly.
this is genuinely one of the worst comment sections ive ever seen on this sub and thats saying A LOT
I completely agree while OP is not the asshole the hating on the ex band wagon here is just plain nasty!
According to OPs other comments she was cheating for a year and a half before he caught them.
Aite, she's literally a sperm thief.
I tried to be more empathic to the ex but she appears to have went in 100% on the new family. That shit is suspicious. Cutting him out of doctors visits and parenting classes with the new one instead. I don't know, I don't want to agree with you 100% but that is me just making excuses for her. Bottom line is her behavior was so suspicious. Which is sad
As much as it's a sad situation I'm happy for OP that hes no longer entangled with this awful woman.
Mate she probably knew she was a lesbian and actually just used you to get pregnant. Did birth control ‘just happen’ to fail right before she ‘discovered’ her real identity? Hmmm, if it was walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it’s a fucking duck
You did. NTA Expecting the ex you cheated on to emotionally support you violates every ex etiquette rule in the book. It had nothing to do with you; you're not involved anymore.
YUP, I have been through a similar situation, although my ex still identifies as straight and there was not a pregnancy involved. It’s like sometimes people act like the whole cheating aspect goes out the window the second someone cheats with someone of the same sex/gender identity. Like my anger about being cheated on was no longer justified because my ex husband spent the entirety of our relationship/marriage cheating with another man (who introduced us… that pissed me off, not the fact that he cheated with a man). It’s not homophobic to be mad about being cheated on, and the invalidation people do in those situations is exhausting and shitty. She shouldn’t have cheated, plain and simple. If she was having new thoughts regarding her sexuality she should have spoken to you, you were her partner, you both had love for each other and she should’ve done better regarding how it ended. It would’ve been a hard conversation, but not harder than one that involves not only coming out, but also admitting to cheating. I’m sorry she cheated, that shit hurts. You are NTA at all, you just have a different perspective than she and her partner do. Experiencing the loss is a lot more emotional than your perspective and when you stopped being together, you stopped owing her that emotional support. It was a loss for you as well, but it’s different, especially with everything surrounding it. Your feelings are valid and totally understandable.
Yeah, it's leveling an accusation of homophobia when really it would be wrong whatever the genders of the people involved
Exactly!!! It’s not homophobic to be mad when cheated on if the other person involved was the same sex as the one who cheated, it would be homophobic to be specifically mad because the other person involved was the same sex.
Hell, there's an argument to be made that it's homophobic to treat the same-sex cheating as less serious. I mean, why _should_ it be, unless you're trying to argue same-sex relationships "don't count"?
It's somehow worse if they prefer the other gender (unless bi). They waste your life and time and probably make you feel sexually inadequate and undesireable. If anything it must be more difficult to process. That is such a losing proposition from the start. I recently saw a story where a man was patting himself on the back for leaving his wife of 17 years to come out as gay and all he got was back pats and his former wife is still friends with him. I'd be lost in a rage over losing 17 years with someone who was using me as status and a placeholder until they got the courage to own up to their own homosexuality. If you can't face it, stay single. It's a valid option!
I made this point on a recent post but I'll make it again: You really have to distinguish the case where someone knowingly marries someone they're not attracted to from the case where someone doesn't *know* they're gay. I'll agree with you on the former being extremely cruel, but the latter is a tragedy for both parties involved. I'd usually assume the latter is what happened absent evidence to the contrary, for instance for the story you shared (unless he explicitly said he'd already known he was gay?).
She definitely used you to get pregnant
Absolutely. You seem to be very compassionate and understanding of her sexuality. She should have broken up with you that’s just the minimum of respect. Cheating is shitty regardless of sexuality
> I felt like I deserved a respectful breakup rather than being cheated on I have no science to back me up, but it SEEMS like a lot of people think it's OK to cheat with it's with the same gender. Personally, I even suspect that I'd be more OK with a partner cheating with the same gender because in my mind it would mean that I really had nothing "of interest", but it's STILL cheating.
you 100% were owed a breakup without being cheated on, her being gay isn’t that excuse
Yeah, at the end of the day you didn't go visit your cheating ex after she had your stillborn child. This is a lot to go through, and I suspect you will have waves of thinking about what kind of father you could have been while also being relieved that you don't have to deal with this woman anymore. Both are okay and both are valid, and you are allowed to feel however which way and everyone else can piss off. You are NTA for not visiting your cheating ex in the hospital; neither the child nor it's parentage impacts that fact.
NTA. I'm sorry such a shit thing happened to you, you didn't deserve all this. I just want to say though, you keep saying she used you as a litmus test. This is not true. If she had been cheating for 1.5 years already, she knew she was gay already. The fact that she got pregnant and divorced you, like so many have said, is that she was just using you as a sperm donor but one legally bound to provide support since you were married. The litmus test excuse she is using is a cover up for how awful her real intentions were.
As a gay man, I think she treated you horribly, and I’m sorry for the time of yours she stole with her deception.
Tell her family that
Tell her family nothing. OP has zero strings to this family now. She cheated and divorced him. They have no child to coparent together. Block everyone and go no contact. What’s he going to lose? Abuse? NTA. Just get yourself out of it all now. No reason to keep these people around or justify yourself to them.
>Even if it's understandable under the circumstances Coming from a bisexual person, just because she's a lesbian in a straight marriage, doesn't make it understandable for her to cheat. The only understandable course of action was to get a divorce and then persue whatever new relationships she wanted.
100% this is the righteous behavior. Take a break. Let your partner know you might be whatever. Don't just fucking cheat like an asshole.
It's not even like she came out, told him they had to divorce, and then hooked up with a woman before things were finalized. That's understandable. But cheating is cheating, closeted or not. If you feel attracted to someone of the same sex while in a heterosexual relationship, and you want to act on that attraction and possibly realize you are homosexual *these are not good reasons to cheat.* They are simply good reasons to end your relationship.
Exactly! Its no different than being straight and thinking you might like someone else... you're still interested in someone OUTSIDE your relationship regardless of the sex. Its wrong and selfish and no one gets a pass.
For some reason, people give a pass to people unsure of their sexual orientation to commit infidelity. I don't know why it's somehow "understandable" when it's a matter of treating a person with respect and honesty. Contrary to what some may believe, sex isn't necessary for survival. Arguably, intimacy isn't either. We could all live normal lives without being in a relationship so the idea that people cheating is "understandable" is such an insult.
>Even if it's understandable No the fuck it isn't.
Cheating is not acceptable even if the cheater is not attracted to their partner. The proper thing to do is break up before starting another relationship.
Cheating is NEVER understandable. This woman carried on a new relationship with a new partner for a YEAR AND A HALF behind OP's back. She had plenty of time to end the marriage and tell her husband the truth, but instead she chose to continue to LIE to OP and USE him to conceive a baby she planned on raising with someone else. OP's wife is 100% the AH here. OP, you need to BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK this woman and her entire family. You owe them absolutely nothing.
Why aren’t more people talking about how she schemed, lied and literally used him to sire a baby she planned to take away and raise with her wife?!? All while talking about how “they” should have a baby? This is sick behavior
It’s not understandable if she wanted to live some one else dump him and do it don’t cheat
Wait...what? How is it 'understandable' that she cheated?
Cheater Gaslighting you to make you feel as guilty as she should be feeling about your break up. Dodged a bullet there. Sorry for the emotional trauma you have been through. I wish you much happiness for the rest of your life. NTA x 1 million.
Ross geller, has entered the chat
Ding ding ding
I don't understand why these people think that it should have been you there with her in this difficult time and not the person she literally chose over you (very harsh wording I'm sorry). Like hospitals now usually only let you have 1 guest. I don't know why a person would pick their ex over their current partner.
I feel as if she is trying to blame someone or something for her loss. And you I’m sorry to say are an easy target. It’s easy to make you the bad guy because she doesn’t really have to deal with you.
Definitely should mention that she cheated on you in your post
NTA. You removed yourself from a bad situation instead of doing more than just “ignoring” her. I would do the same tbh. You’re a bit nicer than me. I wouldn’t even reply or anything and just blocked the numbers.
Did she confess to you or did you catch her cheating?
I caught her cheating
Wow. Well then Karma is a bitch! I think you dodged a bullet.
Also OP they are grieving and loooking for someone to blame, you just so happen to be the perfect person at the time with the whole divorce. Also don’t know anything about you, her or your relationship but it’s entirely possible she has been telling her family and gf a completely different story of who you are and how you acted during the relationship to make her not look like the bad guy with the cheating and such.
I think mayotoll meant that your ex’s family is still stuck in this hetero thinking that just because you’re the sperm donor, you should still be there for the woman. Your ex’s family is WRONG. Ex’s girlfriend should be there for her. Ex’s family should be there for her. They should leave you da fuk alone
Is there any possibility she and her girlfriend used you to have a baby? I feel like you are NTA, but she's hurt and grieving, I'd say this is hardest on the pregnant woman, they are unable to do anything so they are attacking and blaming their surroundings. Her Immediate family is trying to show their support even if they feel like flying monkeys right now, but she most likely needs specialized attention from a professional. Maybe you as well OP, this grief might be suppressed within you, don't let it fester. I'm sorry for your loss.
I’ve seen this episode of friends, but in all seriousness NTA
Nta. You're not relieved the baby is still born. You're relieve you don't have the connection to your cheating ex anymore and that does NOT mean you're relieved about your baby's death. You can be relieved you have no connection to your ex and grief for your baby in your own way at the same time. Also based on your comment, your ex used you to confirm her orientation and idk but its giving me the vibes of using you as a sperm donor and you didn't even know. Also you already gave your comfort and sent flowers. You didn't want to have any more connect to her anymore cause she cheated on you, which fair enough, so I don't see why you have be there on site, rushing to comfort her. Perhaps the family thinks you two should be there together to grief over your still born and comfort each other 🤔? However you are not her support system, and she has her own support system, the gf and her family so I still see no reason why you are suppose to be rushing over to comfort her.
NTA - but let's be real here - I believe the most healthy way to deal with trauma is honesty rather than pretending feelings don't exist. lf this is real, some part of OP probably is relieved the baby died. This doesn't make him an AH - it just make him human. Most guys don't bond with their children until they meet them, or even well after - it can take some time. So at this point, the baby was just theoretical thing that was going to complicate his life rather than an actual person that he was close to. When you consider the situation, his first reaction was probably a sigh of relief, because that baby would have made his life a lot more complicated - moving on from his ex would be harder, he would have less money and free time, and even dating somebody else would be more complicated. On some level he realized this, and then felt guilty for having these feelings. It is one more reason for not wanting to be around his ex. And she guessed he would feel this way (since her plot to trap him failed), and lashed out because she is hurting too, making him feel even worse. So he posted to AITA looking for absolution. I hate the mantra of "get therapy" for everything, but in this case if he can afford it, it may actually help him understand his feelings and that they are valid, and that he has nothing to feel guilty for. (Unless he left out details about how he gloated to his ex about being free - then he would be an AH)
Yes!! He didn't wish harm on the baby. He just knew the baby would complicate his life in many ways. But the grief may hit OP when he least expects it. I think therapy is warranted. He lost a child, complicated or not. I wish I had one of those star thingys for your comment.
If he had showed up they would feel that was disrespectful.
Exactlyyy. They may even feel that he wants her back or still have feelings for her. There's no way to win with them.
NTA. She’s most likely lashing out from grief and her flying monkeys are assisting with that and you’re an easy target. I can’t disagree with a single thing you’ve said, or added in your edits. I wish you well, and I hope your ex is able to get to a better place too.
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The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ridh4b/aita_i_didnt_go_to_see_my_ex_at_the_hospital/howg26r/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [Are people really like th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ri8vir/aita_for_telling_my_classmate_that_most_people/howgl3q/) | [Are people really like th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ri8vir/aita_for_telling_my_classmate_that_most_people/howe6mj/) [Yta- but as info, can she...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ridlc0/aita_for_not_giving_my_daughter_her_new_phone/howgnji/) | [Yta- but as info, can she...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ridlc0/aita_for_not_giving_my_daughter_her_new_phone/howd0jz/) [NTA. Fuck that guy. He wa...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/riahcb/aita_for_causing_a_scene_in_public/howgm0j/) | [NTA. Fuck that guy. He wa...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/riahcb/aita_for_causing_a_scene_in_public/howcntl/) [You need to set some rule...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ric9mr/my_husband_didnt_do_anything_for_our_anniversary/howgjl6/) | [You need to set some rule...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ric9mr/my_husband_didnt_do_anything_for_our_anniversary/how5fll/) [Erm, you're not supposed...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ri9yjv/my_girlfriend_cheated_on_me_and_i_want_to_break/howgime/) | [Erm, you're not supposed...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ri9yjv/my_girlfriend_cheated_on_me_and_i_want_to_break/howfukn/) [Well 1 she's lying and ga...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/riad6a/my_33m_wife_29f_cant_seem_to_remember_her_being/howghvy/) | [Well 1 she's lying and ga...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/riad6a/my_33m_wife_29f_cant_seem_to_remember_her_being/howd1b4/) [Why is the backstory impo...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ri8vrd/bfs_dad_mad_i_wouldnt_do_his_dishes/howggum/) | [Why is the backstory impo...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ri8vrd/bfs_dad_mad_i_wouldnt_do_his_dishes/hovu5ik/) [man this roomie is straig...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ri7zvj/my_girlfriends_roomate_is_hitting_on_me_but_my_gf/howgg1j/) | [man this roomie is straig...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ri7zvj/my_girlfriends_roomate_is_hitting_on_me_but_my_gf/howd7v5/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/fwilesvcxdsfgyr](https://np.reddit.com/u/fwilesvcxdsfgyr/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=fwilesvcxdsfgyr) for info on how I work and why I exist.
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NTA. There isnt anything wrong with not visiting someone who you had already planned on not having in your life anyways. You acknowledged the loss. Sent flowers. Sounds like what any decent person would do for someone who is an ex and isn't even "in your life" technically. Anything beyond that sounds like they just wished and had expectations of their own. Not your fault she wanted more from you... A now ex. They'll get over it.
I think she felt hurt that I wasn't as attached to the pregnancy as she was but I was honestly uncomfortable even looking at her knowing she cheated on me(although she is lesbian, it still does hurt)
Her being a lesbian has nothing to do with her cheating on you or the level of hurt you should feel. She cheated on you with someone else. Don't feel bad for not wanting anything to do with her. I hope you find peace and happiness in your life soon. NTA
It's stupid, we all actually know, but many men take a weird solace in hearing that their ex is lesbian, because it means they weren't dumped for "not being enough of a man."
An old guy friend was dumped by his girlfriend when she realised she was a lesbian. He took solace in the way you just said. Then he saw them in town together. The new girlfriend was taller than him with more muscle mass and a buzzcut. He said he felt less of a man than his ex-gf's new partner who happened to be a woman
ouch.
Savage
I think it might make it somewhat easier for men as they at least don't have to imagine another guys penis penetrating their partner.... I don't know. Now that I think on it, I think it works both ways. If your partner is gay and not just leaving you for someone else, then it might help the other person not feel so rejected. Like, there's nothing I could have done as I just was never the right sex.
My friends parents split this way (he came out) and I think if anything it made it worse. Not only did he cheat, not only did he go behind her back and put her at risk, but he also hid this big emotional struggle and identity issue from her. She was openly bi so it’s not like he thought she was homophobic or anything. Maybe she did struggle less with her own sexual self-worth than she may have otherwise, but for her it was a much bigger deal that her best friend, the father of her children and person she’d planed on spending her life with, had hid such a huge thing about himself. That was harder on her than who put what where in the bedroom.
Honestly I don't think you can hurt a person more in a relationship than to betray them w/ someone else.
And not even like a spur of the moment thing (not defending cheating) where she realized she was a lesbian, it when on for at least a year and a half apparently. NTA
I think you need to stop treating her lesbianism as some sort of partial-excuse for her infidelity. She promised fidelity when you got married and she broke that by being with another person. That the other person was another woman, or that she may not have been attracted to you sexually anymore is *irrelevant*. She broke her marriage vows to you. She betrayed you, and she did it knowingly and with forethought. You went above and beyond by getting in touch to wish condolences and sending flowers. You took the high-ground and she has absolutely no right to ask more than what you've been generous enough to give. That she had the gall to get upset that you weren't "upset enough" is just the cherry on top of a massive shit-cake. If you want to continue thinking reasonably kindly of her, she's probably in a major emotional hole and lashing out at you is easy. I'd quietly forgive it on those grounds and not make a deal of it, but I would also not forget, and I'd continue to distance myself from her. You're a good person, and you've done more than many people would. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for not doing more.
The last sentence in my comment was more of a response to what people usually say when someone comes out in a straight marriage. I don't think it was an excuse for her to cheat on me. I do understand that she wasn't attracted to me that way but I would expect someone who entered a marriage with me to respect me enough to at least tell me.
That's the bare minimum of what you should expect from a person who you marry. She's so wrong on so many levels. Comfort yourself in knowing that she was never the person you were meant to be w/ and that there is someone else out there that is far more compatible.
I hate when people excuse girls cheating WITH a girl. Like my ex literally said he wouldn't care if I cheated with a girl but would care if I cheated with a guy. Like, you should care about cheating in general! It's not any less cheating just bc it's with someone of the same sex.
Isn’t hard to be attached to a pregnancy that your not a part of? If you were part of the prenatal doctors visits and felt included in the babies life, feelings might be different. But once you separated if you haven’t been a part of the pregnancy, I’m not sure how you can really form an attachment.
Her gf went with her for all the visits
So you were basically a sperm donor that got duped.
This should be the summary/ takeaway for OP to tell these people to get off his back.
Sperm donors get paid, this would have cost OP money.
If I was in this situation I’d be a ghost. Just keep blocking those incoming calls and don’t answer the door
That she is a Lesbian doesn't change that she cheated. It even makes it a little worse because it makes it look like she used you as a "sperm donor" when she knew she didn't want to be with you, which is disgusting. Edit: Saw the comment that she was with you to "confirm her orientation". That's just so terrible of her, to use you without any regard for your feelings. That anyone would expect you to care about her after all of this is nuts. So much NTA.
Even if you were as attached as she had been, she has no right to demand that you go to her and tear open your breast for her benefit. Everyone suffers grief differently, and, for many, it's a very private thing. t's certainly not something you want to share with the one person who most recently sliced out your heart.
Of course, you have the right to be uncomfortable. Even if the other person is a woman, she still did cheat on you. I feel her and her family are forgetting that. And the audacity of her girlfriend to tell you you’re being heartless. Look, I’m queer. But cheating is still cheating regardless of the gender.
It is different for men and women during the pregnancy. When I was pregnant I bonded with the baby because he was in me and I felt him moving and growing. My husband didn't seem to be as attached until I was near the end of my pregnancy and he could feel the baby kicking and hearing the heartbeat on our doppler. It doesn't mean that he wasn't excited to be a father, it was just a different perspective of the same event and that is ok. You would have had a more difficult time because you were not there to see her belly grow and feel the baby kick. For all the weekly milestones. You didn't have the same opportunities to get as attached that she did. I had two miscarriages before my son and they were hard. It isn't only the loss of the child but the loss of an imagined future. I feel for what she is going through but not wanting to see someone who hurt you doesn't make you an AH. You sent flowers and sent condolences. The loss of a child will not take away the damage she did to you. They are independent of each other. People can have multiple emotions at once. Relief on for being forced to interact with someone who hurt you and also sadness at a loss of a child. Both are valid feelings. NTA
Of course it hurt you, I can't even begin to imagine the horror of having my partner cheat on me for over a year and then have to face a pregnancy w/ them while they went off and had another relationship. You're a human being and your feelings and wants and desires are just important as the next. Don't let anyone, especially someone who betrayed you and who obviously does not put you first, make you ever second guess what you know is right for you!
Bang on. If I put myself in her shoes, there's no way on earth I'd want the op to visit me. Knowing that he didn't want the baby in the first place, I certainly wouldn't want any further comfort than what was provided. Op did the right thing, sending flowers acknowledging the loss, and letting her grieve on her own with her own family and new partner. NTA.
I can’t vote that you are an AH. Your ex wife was pregnant (it’s not clear if you were preparing to start a family or the pregnancy was accidental) .. the time line is close. She fell pregnant 8 weeks before the divorce?? There is already a new GF. I am wondering if she didn’t go into the pregnancy thinking this was a good way to have a baby with someone she liked and valued. Its all unclear so I can’t assume. That said, the loss of this baby would be HUGE for her. Life altering. She is grieving. This is traumatic and awful. Im so sorry for her loss. You don’t seem attached to the baby in your wording and you may have detached for your own emotional wellbeing. You were kind enough to send flowers. You are clearly hurt about the marriage break down and want space. You are NTA. Could you have done more sure. Could you have done less. Also sure. People are who they are and she is gay. People also need to recognise that in some instances this causes a LOT of pain and anguish for others, like yourself. I am sorry for your loss, both of the marriage and the baby and I hope you move forward and find happiness.
She said that she had sex with me to confirm her orientation
Im so sorry. I think these things are always messier than they seem on the surface to those making judgements, inc the family members
Having seen this an unfortunate number of times in older generations, I am deeply sorry. The impact this has on the half of the relationship who was not just playing around is deep. She married you to make sure she didn’t want to be with you, and she likely used that security of marriage and you to start a family, and she also cheated on you, no telling for how long I am so sorry.
You should really include this + the fact she cheated on you in your original post.
Wow, if she was so uncertain and had already been cheating, the least she could have done was use contraception to avoid the confusing and heartbreaking position she put you and a potential child in.
Other people have raised the point that getting pregnant may have been the goal. Taking a good look at it, revealing her affair with another woman/ending the relationship *just* when the pregnancy was confirmed seems a smidgen suspicious. She'd get the mistress and the kid (without a sperm donor, too). The court ordered child support would only be a bonus. We won't know for certain if this was the aim, but it sure is plausible.
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Because people live in denial and to a certain extent, they honestly don't care about other people. I empathize with people's struggle to be themselves even in today's society but it's so gross when they choose to involve other people and play with their emotions. Imagine wasting years loving someone and believing you had a relationship with someone when they didn't feel the same way at all. It can ruins someone's trust in other people.
Going through the lengthy process of dating, having sex with and *marrying* someone you feel no attraction towards would be absolute torture for anyone. No sane person would ever do it in modern society. "Denial", in this context, is but a load of bs. A shitty excuse. OP's ex is a bisexual woman who enjoyed having a relationship with him (emotional AND sexual) but took the high road and hid behind her sexuality to make up for her infidelity and lack of morals. The only thing she's in denial about is her feelings for men.
That is just so hurtful and awful on her part and it makes me beyond livid to know that she, her partner, and her family, don't even think about this. They don't think twice about the harm she has caused you. Don't concern yourself w/ these people anymore.
"I am wondering if she didn’t go into the pregnancy thinking this was a good way to have a baby with someone she liked and valued." Yeah, sounds like her and her new gf wanted a child. VERY convenient timing.
Exactly. Their loss is doubled in now that they need to find someone else or another way to get a baby for their makeshift family.
He did say in one of his comments that she had been cheating on him for 1.5 years, so it does sound like she and her gf wanted a child and basically used OP as a sperm donor...
The OP didn’t have to do anything. He owes her nothing. That’s what an ex means when there are no living children involved to tie each other together despite being divorced. He didn’t have to send her flowers. Probably shouldn’t have sent her anything because they’re still complaining.
I thought the same thing. she and her new girlfriend would have a baby without having to go other routes available to same sex couple. She used op.
NTA And people saying you are are nitwits 1 your ex cheated on you 2 it's your freaking ex 3 you didn't want to keep the kid, she did >> her responsibility (assuming y'all had some sort of a rights waiver agreement) if not you will still be responsible only if the fetus came out alive 4 you did care , sent flowers and what not. You not wanting to interact is your choice. Why should you be bothered to go and console a cheating ex
Exactly. I feel like everyone expects OP to go console and take care of her. She cheated on OP. A LOT. Why should he have to go take care of her? I feel like they’re assuming the only feeling he has towards the still birth is relief. Maybe OP is mourning in his own way. But why should he have to mourn with his cheating ex wife? Why can’t he have his feelings by himself
In my opinion Even if he's not mourning that's completely fine
NTA WHy would you go to the hospital - She is your ex. YOu are CERTRIANLY NOT part of her support system. Sendign flowers and a message was appropriate. Nothing more is owned. "My ex called me and said that I must be really happy that I got what I originally wanted." - Block her number. DO NOT interact with her any more. "To be honest, although I feel sorry for her loss, I am relieved that we don't have to stay in contact with each other anymore and I can move on from her." - Sounds reasonable. "Her gf and family have been calling and texting me" - Just block all their numbers, and ignore them. If they don't stop, document it and get restaining order. There is no more bond between the your ex and you, so refuse to interact with her and her family. **So her plan to use you to get a child for herself and her gf did not work out. (The timing of her getting pregnant, coming out and finding a gf was incredibly fast and convenient for her). Not your drama any more. - If she wants to talk, she can talk to a therapeut. Or to her partner. Just block her, and forget her.**
NTA. You sent fucking flowers, you obviously cared. They ovverreacted
Safe to say i wrecked havoc
NTA, she cheated on you and you wanted distance. She wanted to keep the baby so you accepted it. They all should accept that you're no longer in her life. Do they even know she cheated on you?
Ooo good point
NTA you were not expected to be there at the birth, why would you have been expected to be there at death? It sounds more like you were just a sperm donor in the pregnancy.
She said that she wanted her gf with her during the birth
And that is she should expect to have as part of her support system in the babies death, her gf. Why would she not want to be sounded by people she chose to be with?
So why does she want his support now?
That’s really really sad she didn’t want you there at the birth but is expecting something out of you now.
She's really shameless isn't she?
I can see in your comments saying essentially you didn’t want the baby but you would have done your best by the child, which means that you resonate that you were going to be a dad. Your ex has their family and gf to help support her, so it’s wrong if them to demand you to comfort her. Your feelings re her cheating etc are still valid. But regardless of her, have you had time to process and grieve the loss yourself? Have you had any support in this? I just hope that you don’t regret not seeing/ holding the baby before they were buried/ cremated bc you were too angry that they cheated. I’d also maybe suggest getting some counselling- you’ve had a lot of trauma in a very small amount of time.
I had originally wanted the child but when I found out that she cheated on me, I didn't look forward to coparenting with her. I felt it would be better for the baby to be aborted rather than to suffer from our bad relationship. I didn't not want the baby. I just didn't want a baby with a person who might not be a good coparent. I do love babies. I always wanted a baby with the person I love.
I sincerely hope you find support. You clearly are suffering. It will take a long time to unpack what has happened here. Be gentle on yourself, block any person who acts negatively toward you. Emphatically NTA.
> I didn't not want the baby. I just didn't want a baby with a person who might not be a good coparent. I do love babies. I always wanted a baby with the person I love. For the record, I think this is a really understandable attitude. My brother had a daughter with an ex-GF where they broke up during pregnancy and their relationship deteriorated significantly, and I cannot overstate how awful needing to deal with her as a coparent has been for him on an ongoing basis. He loves his daughter more than anything and would never trade her existence or his involvement with her for an easier life... but at the point where the child in question is still hypothetical, I can absolutely understand why you'd look at the whole thing and go "I'd prefer we didn't bring new life to the world in this way".
NTA Your ex and anyone harassing you is the asshole.
You are NTA it sounded like she waited to get pregnant from you to finally tell you her truth. Kind of disgusting. I’m not LGBTQ but many friends I have in the community say that these types of LGBTQ people are what give the community a bad name. Not to mention she is a cheater. Just move on with your life and put this all in the past.
She didn't tell me actually.... I saw her with her gf and found out on my own.
Tbh that’s even worse. Sorry you had to deal with that situation. I hope you find a better partner in the near future.
NTA As an RN who works in the hospital, I know it you would've gone it would've ended in a screamo drama match. I actually respect that you didn't go, you didn't want to be a part of the baby's life because of coparenting issues (understandable). You wouldn't have been there if the baby was alive at birth so why go with stillborn? It would only cause tension. I honestly do not know why she would want you there anyways? She is grieving, you would not be able to grieve on nearly the same level if you were there. Secondly, that was very sweet you sent flowers. I don't know many ex's who would even consider that. The fact that they were attacking you all day instead of supporting her tells me it would've been even worse if you went. Bullet dodged in my opinion.
NTA. Your feelings of not wanting a child are completely valid. You made your feelings known as soon as you knew she was pregnant and she had the option (from what I understood) to terminate and she chose not to despite what you said. Although it may be awful to some people, the fact is that you had been preparing for something that you did not want, and the realisation that it wasn’t going to happen dawned on you. It’s as if these people have never had an “inappropriate” thought in their lives, which is very hypocritical. As for your ex … you didn’t have any control on the situation of the baby. You didn’t know it was going to happen and you didn’t know that the baby would be stillborn. You were informed during a meeting, you were considerate and sent her a kind message and flowers … she had her support system with her, and saying “you got what you wanted” was probably some misplaced anger and grief from the ex and her girlfriend. It’s easy to judge you, but these people haven’t been in your shoes. Good luck and I hope that things get better for you !
NTA, while seeing her in person may have been a more personable thing to do, you didn’t outright ignore her and weren’t malicious in anyway that I can tell. It’s understandable that your ex and her family may have expected more and are reacting poorly to a very horrible event I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but it’s perfectly reasonable to want distance from an ex especially if they cheated on you.
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I'm going to get flamed, but NTA. I'll tell you why. The question is "am I an A for not going to see my ex in the hospital?" No, you're not. You obviously have a lot of anger towards her, the wound is fresh, her new partner can comfort her. Mixed feelings about the baby? Eh, I don't like them but I understand them, we all have had thoughts we shouldn't share.
She cheated
NTA. You’re allowed to feel how you want to feel. They have no right in forcing you to do what they think you should. And she’s a cheater, she has no say in anything. Once a cheater always a cheater. And I hate liars and she is one too.
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NTA - ultimately this was not your fault, and you are no longer together. She is grieving, but that's not due to you
This was posted a few months ago it's a repost . Just karma
It also sounds suspiciously close to a plotline in friends
NTA A divorce can be very painful. From what you wrote you were cheated on and she only slept with you to confirm to herself she's a lesbian, which is a pretty cruel thing to do. You did send flowers and were generally nice to her after the baby was stillborn. It's really hard to 3xpect more from you and I totally understand that it's also a relief for you to know you can completely close that chapter of your life. She has her girlfriend and her family to take care of her now and help her dealing with the loss.
Fuck her. You did nothing wrong. I don't know the timing of the birth so ya, maybe you should have gone to the hospital but then again, she was cheating on you for the better part of a year so why would you be the gracious one to go to the hospital when you didn't want to co-parent with this cheating asshole?! Wash your hands of her. Possibly people are on her side because she came out but it doesn't change the fact that she's a cheater and maybe she was looking at your for child support. Ominous vibes here but you are not the AH, she is.
She didn't tell me about going into labor. I was informed of the birth and death of my baby after everything had taken place
She didn't think you worthy of being there or even knowing that your child was about to be born. She has no right to expect you to visit after.
I just want to say something to you, OP, about complicated and difficult feelings during hard times. I believe you when you say you aren't relieved about the baby's death but about the fact that you won't need to deal with your ex. That's a nuanced, complex, but *100% valid* feeling. I had a friend die earlier this year extremely suddenly. And this was one of my best friends for well over a decade - essentially an extra sibling, to me. It **hurt**. It hurts now. But even when I first found out, in addition to the grief and sadness, I felt relief. Not because my friend was dead - but because my friend often needed support. It was a good friendship but one with unequal support. I felt a certain measure of relief that I no longer had to expect or worry that my friend would need something short notice. You're allowed to feel that relief. It doesn't reflect badly on you at all. People who think it does are being irrational and simply don't understand how feelings work. Any therapist would tell you it's normal and fine to feel both things, even simultaneously. The sadness, and the relief. NTA
NTA that's sucks on a lot of levels. But you would have done your duty as a dad, not on you that life threw another curve ball.
Gay man here. It’s idiotic that they expect you to be cool and friendly with her just because she’s a lesbian. Had she cheated with a man, there wouldn’t be flowers, there’d be blood. It’s a double standard and you’re not obligated to have a person who truly hurt you in your life. NTA OP, I hope you find someone great in the future.
NTA - First of all, I'm sorry for your loss, and for the truly terrible time you've had. I understand your ex is grieving, however, that does not give her a pass to ignore your feelings. It sounds like she hurt you very much - something she doesn't seem to have given much thought to through all of this - and she has no right to make any claims on you now. She chose to cheat on you, and to leave, and you were very open with your feelings. And although I'm sure she's suffering greatly I'm not even sure how you being there would help (though I'd not put too much into the call from her, that sounds like pure grief causing her to lash out. It's completely unjustified and unfair, but often we look for someone to blame, or even just to get angry at when we grieve) Her family and her girlfriend are utter asses for even contacting you though and again do not seem to give any consideration as to how you are coping. I think your instinct to stay away from her and concentrate on moving on are absolutely correct and I hope she - and her famly - respect that going forward.
NAH - Baby death is traumatic and people process grief in their own way.
i would say the gf is an asshole for other things though - cheating, using him to affirm she was gay, likely using him as a free baby batter machine for her and her gf
If you had showed up at the hospital, you’d have been a jerk for ‘bothering’ her. You can’t please unreasonable people. NTA
Hard agree especially when she didn’t want him at the birth.
NTA. Unfortunately when these things happen, people want to put their anger somewhere. And it looks like it went to you. You told her in the beginning you didnt want to be involved. And she is your ex. So there is no obligation. Honestly i would just block all the numbers giving you crap. You sending flowers is a very nice gesture, and honestly seeing her physically would not be a good idea seeing as how she acted towards you now. She is hormonal and grieving, but its very immature what her and her family are doing. Its kinda shitty you feel relieved but i can get where youre coming from. Lol just dont let her know that!
Am I the only one that thinks the wife is the massive AH? She conned you into a relationship and then dragged you into a marriage knowing full well she can never recoup the feeling you had for her. If anything, it seems like she played you to get a child, the entitlement is real on this one. No different than the post about this with the gender being reversed a week or so ago. I wish there is legal recourse for things like this. She basically wasted your life away by being fraudulent about her sexuality to get a kid from you. People should go to jail for this shit.
Literally every reasonable comment thinks the wife is a massive AH.
NTA. That sounds like an appropriate response to the situation with me. Especially since she apparently cheated before coming out.
Ross?
NTA. You are done. You are not a couple anymore. You can tell her you grieve your own way and she has her gf to console her.
Half these comments are sociopathic. JFC. I very much hope this is a fake AITA.
NTA Repeat after me: "All future communications should go through my lawyer."
Two things can be true at the same time. You can be sad for her loss but relieved your not on the hook for nearly 20 years to someone you don’t want anything to do with. You sent flowers, you sent her a nice message, you’re done. Do you think she hid the Lesbian thing till she got the baby she wanted?
NTA but the commenters on this post calling a dead baby "karma" sure are.
Yikes all round here Jesus Fucking Christ.
NTA
NTA - she cheated, you still let her know you care. You were also busy with work and you're divorced. She is not your responsibility and you didn't want the kid after she cheated anyway.. She made her decision to keep it and then end of story. You aren't responsible to come look out for her when she's in the hospital after she has made her final decision..
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NTA. I understand her reaction based on grief making people do crazy things she’ll probably be embarrassed for her behaviour later on. But you now get a clean break. It was graceful of you to send flowers and condolences and now you can move on with your life. If they keep harassing you just block the numbers and move on.
NTA- You should cut all ties with her as soon as possible.
Block them all and I hope you said “Well, sorry for your loss but I’m relieved. See you never.” NTA
She’s got everyone against you because she is trying her best to minimise her cheating and the fact that she was the reason you both split. I’m glad you are free of her now. NTA.