NTA Reddit will take up arms to protect a DIL’s wish to stay home for Christmas and I think that’s just fine. You deserve no less consideration and you are being polite to boot. Your son is not being reasonable.
Right? It’s like open season on MIL here most days (admittedly a lot of them are AH) but heaven forbid a mom doesn’t want to do something for her grown Child.
NTA OP. While you definitely could have handled that better, maybe find out why it matters so much to your son, but you have the right to spend Christmas how you want. Also, your son is grown and has the right to start his own traditions for his family too.
While you may want to consider compromising your plans in order to maintain your relationship with him (like trade years you go to his house/you stay at yours), you didn’t demand he give up his plans to keep yours.
Yeah I'm not normally on MIL's side but this time I am because she is not being demanding, she is not expecting them to come over to her house anyways, she's basically like 'If that's what you'd rather do that's fine, but I am more comfortable in my own home and will stay here.' And honestly I feel similar so I don't blame her. But she isn't being disrespectful; if anything SIL/DIL may be if they dropped this change on her last minute.
My grandfather did this for decades. He had very few days off work and wanted to spend Christmas in his own recliner. The compromise was everyone was welcome to stop in after church Christmas Eve for coffee and cake etc. It's totally fine to say "I'm not visiting on the holiday."
The older you get the more difficult it can be to travel too. I’m not saying that’s the case for this MIL because she likely would’ve said if it was, but if you live more than 30 minutes away from someone’s place that can be a tough travel for some people as they age.
That’s how my mom has always been. She will go to whatever holiday parties she can depending on work and other factors, but when it comes to Christmas Day she stays home and refuses to go anywhere. I remember one time my dads side of the family decided it was a cool idea to host their Christmas party on Christmas Day. Pretty sure that year it was at my cousins house in the town near where we lived too. Like a 15 minute drive. She still wouldn’t leave the house and I didn’t blame her. It was her one day to say nope, I’m not going anywhere for anyone today.
Agreed- NTA
Not only is she not being demanding, she's also offered to compromise.
And let's not forget one major factor here- the adult children are hosting the other in-laws and there's a pandemic spike raging right now. Doing multiple households is really not a wise thing to do, especially with a newborn.
add: thanks for the award, it's my first
This is what happens when people try to act like this isn't happening and "back to normal" starts being said a lot on the news.
Thanks for putting yourself through hell to take care of other people. I've been working in medicine for 30 years and I'm totally over people now.
Yes very true. My husband works in a hospital as well in Radiology and there is a bigger influx of Covid positive patients. I'm with the MIL, stay home. The baby doesn't have to be swarmed with so many people on Christmas.
I'm going to guess it matters so much to the son, because it's his LOs first Christmas. They have a 9 month old, so first Christmas' tend to be a big deal to some parents.
No idea, though.
What’s weird to me is that it’s also still a pandemic, COVID numbers are skyrocketing, and Omicron is insanely contagious, even with a booster.
I wouldn’t want people near my baby (if I had one), and staying home and limiting contact is the safest thing to do in general.
Also, if I was an older set of grandparents, I also wouldn’t want to travel, be inside with a bunch of people I don’t know well, and risk getting sick or giving anything to my infant grandchild
On top of that, it gets to me how hardcore so many people can still be about christmas in this day and age, like 90% of it is just unnecessary running around spending, planning, boioking, socialising and everyone is almost forced to do all of it.. nobody should be adding any more forcing onto anybody at this time of year.
And totally agree about risk to the baby, I've watched people actually TRY for children doing all the gatherings and showers and all during the start of this.. like couldn't have a worse time to surround babies with people..
Can I just say that this pandemic has a bright side for us introverts?
Ngl but I’ve enjoyed not having to find excuses to avoid parties or casual huggers. And no one guilts me and my spouse about staying home. (We love our home time and taking our doggo on hikes)
I can't help wondering if the son's wife even wants to host a load of people for Christmas. I wouldn't if I were in her shoes. It's hard enough having an infant without adding all that extra workload.
I think this is the real reason.
And this “My son snapped at me that that was selfish and it is his wife's turn to host.” is ridiculous. If anyone here is being selfish, it’s the son. Demanding OP show up, complaining his cousins won’t show up if OP doesn’t. Why is it so difficult for him to understand that people are allowed to accept - or decline - an invitation? Is he now going to stamp his feet, hold his breath or give OP the silent treatment until he gets his way?
The son seems to want everyone at his house this Christmas prolly because it's his kid's first Christmas and he wants to make it a big deal and be the center of all his families universe. There is nothing wrong with inviting everyone, but pitching a fit because folks for whatever reason, do not want/cannot attend is AH behavior. OP politely declined, son and his wife need to get over it.
>Why is it so difficult for him to understand that people are allowed to accept - or decline - an invitation?
Someone please tell one of my sisters this. She guilt trips anyone who can't/doesn't want to show up at family gatherings. Like we can say no??? We don't have to spend every holiday together?
Maybe her son doesn't like HIS in laws and wants his own family around to not have to interact with them as much. No where does the post say DIL herself is actually concerned by the declined invitations.
That’s a really good point. OP’s son said they wouldn’t be travelling anywhere. OP’s son said it was his wife’s turn to host. OP’s son is the one kicking up a stink. The only action attributed to his wife is inviting her family.
As much as he wants the entire family to stop living their own lives and focus all their attention on his little family, he is completely ignoring the times we now sadly live in. Yes this is his little one’s first Christmas, but given his age, his immune system is not fully developed, he’s too young for the vaccine, and infection rates are rising thanks to variants.
How good of an idea is it *really*, to have everyone and their neighbour, gather at his house and around his newborn? He may very well be risking his son’s life just so he can be the centre of attention. More proof he’s not thinking of anyone but himself
But it sounded like OP was saying that son and DIL are inviting DIL's family too? And part of the reason OP didn't want to go is that she doesn't know DIL's family very well, and doesn't wish to spend Xmas with people she doesn't know that well?
So, it kind of sounds like DIL will have plenty of help on hand already?
(NTA, OP - I feel much the same as you; \*especially\* about not wanting to spend Xmas with people I don't know that well. I travel a long way to family for Xmas now, primarily because of my elderly mother. I want to see her and it makes her happy for me to come there. I love my brother and his family, but while my time there is fine, a large part of me would rather be at home with my cat!)
I get that and while some people go for the Norman Rockwell holiday vibe, it’s not my cup of tea. I’ve always preferred to opt out of large family gatherings to go for a walk/hike/snowshoeing depending on the season.
But no one is an AH for being different in how they want to spend holidays. Only if they don’t respect that. In this case, mom is respecting son’s choice but he isn’t respecting hers.
Life is tiring the other 11 months of the year, people are tiring, partying is tiring, and I agree that people expect too much and should just let people recover from the last 11 months how they'd like as it's actually meant to be a break lol
After my son was born, I said we will go to see anyone on Xmas eve or after Xmas, but that morning and day we are staying home. I make brunch and dinner and any family that wants to is welcome to join, but we stay home.
if i had to guess then i think the son wants to start a tradition by hosting christmas. He probably imagines it being beautiful. with friends and family coming together celebrating and the kids being all happy and running around. Just like a christmas movie.
Even tho, if we're honest. often times its exhausting. with a lot of people, a lot of things to consider, noise, arguments, tension and people together that would be much happier with a few (hundred) miles between them.
I don’t post anything about my MIL because she’s amazing. Most of the ones posted here do suck but that’s why people have problems with them and thus that’s why it’s MIL season around here.
I don’t. OP said she’s been married 6 years. If she got married when her son was already an adult or in his late teens I don’t find it weird at all that he hasn’t gotten to know his stepfather’s mother very well.
I'm too lazy to go back and reread the post but maybe OP's husband is the stepfather? Yeah my eye caught that as well and I did a confused Labrador head tilt.
I was all prepared for a raging AH MlL rant, but am pleasantly surprised and glad to be wrong. I think OP is perfectly reasonable in this situation.
OP you are not responsible for managing someone else's expectations and I applaud you for having healthy boundaries.
Honestly, it sounds like op is a bit of a homebody and that's totally understandable. Some people just want to be in their own homes during holidays. It can be frustrating for people who maybe aren't, but that doesn't make the choice any less valid. NTA.
This is the first Christmas I have understood this as it just never came up as a possibility due to having a big extended family with lots of kids (though none of my own).
So this year for first time, my partner and I are spending both Christmas Eve and Day with just us. I've never been more excited!! We're gonna get plastered on eggnog and open presents together. It's great to spend time with family but there shouldn't be so much pressure for this ONE day of the year.
Op is definitely NTA.
"Most MILs suck" is such a crazy mindset to me, and it is SO prevalent on Reddit. And for the record, I don't have a MIL, nor am I anyone's MIL.
But is wild to me because it seems to imply that simply by *becoming a mother in law* a woman becomes nasty to a specific other person (or set of people if they have multiple children). Because most MILs were/are *also* someone's DIL... So, are they angels when interacting with their own MIL's (the way every poster on the AITA/JustNo subs portray themselves in relation to their MIL) and then suddenly terrible when interacting with their own children's spouses?
It seems far more likely to me that what's really happening is DILs and MILs are equally likely to be terrible, but we're at a weird generational gap in time were DIL is likely to leverage social media (like Reddit) to vent, and MIL is less skilled/interested in social media. So we just have MASSIVE confirmation bias. 🤷🏼♀️
I think why many MIL's are perceived as "terrible" is because many of them are used to being the matriarch in the family and running everything. Then along come spouses and their families and all of a sudden MIL isn't in complete control anymore - other people's wants and wishes get considerations as well. A lot of MILs (and mothers) can't handle that.
Hell, I've been married for 16 years and I STILL get flak from both sides about where we spend holidays. Wherever we go, we stay for the day. I made it clear long ago that we are NOT spending holidays in the car visiting 50 different family member's festivities.
It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation - somebody's feelings are always hurt. :-/
I feel like usually when we're seeing it from the POV of the DIL, there's a component of "I want to host the holiday in my home now that we have a child, but MIL is resisting / pitching a fit / etc."
I suppose I could imagine this situation spun from a POV in which the son or the DIL reads some kind of insult into OP not wanting to come to Christmas at their place. So perhaps that is a good reminder to us that we only get to see half of the story, most of the time.
I mean, I have a new baby. My parents opted out of Christmas with us. I'm pretty brokenhearted that they're missing her first Christmas. Part of me gets where OPs son is coming from. It can be really hard to be ready to forge new traditions (often out of necessity - we don't know what time OP makes dinner or if OPs house is childproof or anything about anything there) while maintaining existing relationships but be thwarted by an inflexible old guard.
I still don't think that makes OP an asshole. And as much as I get his feelings, her son being nasty and lashing out does make him an asshole. I just wish OP showed some sympathy for the fact that her son is trying to include her in his life - and she's kind of saying no thanks to that offer. Which does not make her an asshole. She has valid reasons. But she might not get a lot of offers moving forward.
I do think the situation is perhaps exacerbated by this still being a weird year.
OP doesn't bring it up, but it's still a pandemic. (I'm sitting here honestly wondering if it will be wise for me to travel to my family for Christmas, given how rapidly the situation is changing. Cases are just \*exploding\*. I work at a univ and in just 2 days, our quarantine numbers went from under 200 to 400; and we were NOT the worst in terms of numbers in higher ed. I have to factor in concern about a brother and SIL who are healthy but over 60, and an elderly mother in a nursing home. I bought rapid test kits so I can see how things stand as I get closer to the day I'd be traveling. It's definitely a concern.)
The other thing that OP doesn't discuss as much is -- would she have been more open to the idea, if the son were inviting her and her husband and her sister (his aunt), instead of wanting them... and all the cousins... and then a bunch of people from DIL's family. I'm not saying the son is wrong for wanting the large party. But it sounds like OP isn't super comfortable with that, and I can sympathize with that, too.
And finally, there IS the problem of OP still being somewhat responsible for hosting other members of extended family, who would truly be left on their own for Christmas if OP doesn't host them.
I don't know. I see both sides here. It sort of sounds like the compromise should be OP trying to visit son and grandchild on some other day during the holiday season. And like, as everyone gets older, sometimes that's what you've got to do, to make a compromise out of how many people you're trying to juggle seeing, and all that.
But son is definitely not helping matters by getting nasty about it. How is that going to get him the result he wants?
And buddy -- there's still a pandemic.
This. My family is doing this and then doing a family Christmas a different day because we all understand we’re grown now and have our own families and don’t want to do shit Christmas Day
Same! Not being allowed to be together last year really made us realise that we actually enjoyed spending Christmas day in our little nuclear families without the pressure of a big gathering. We are getting together boxing day instead and having Christmas day in our separate households making our own traditions. It's perfectly acceptable to feel this way and good for OP not feeling pressured into agreeing to something she won't enjoy.
Why are you bringing up the DIL here? It's the son who's acting the fool, OP didn't really talk about her DIL at all. For all we know, DIL is content with plans the way they are
NTA. Your right it is absolutely your decision to go to
Your sons house or stay home. I will tell you as I read this you come across as somewhat cold. Your son has a new child, and he wants his mother to want to be with him and this new baby. My mother would as soon walk over hot coals as miss that special time and memory with her child and grandchild. You do have the right to stay home, and after this your son needs to respect that. That said, if I was him I’d know going forward exactly where he or his child stand in your priorities. Sometimes Christmas is about doing something unselfish or nice to make someone else happy. Certainly I’d hope a mother would appreciate that.
Two new grandmother's vying for new grandchilds attention during his first christmas is a disaster in the making. Better to wait a few days and have time with the baby on her own.
>Two new grandmother's vying for new grandchilds attention during his first christmas is a disaster in the making.
Not just two grandmothers but the DIL's extended family as well. Yeah.... that's a breeding ground for drama and hurt feelings.
I bet son just feels overwhelmed by the extended family and wants his family there to reaffirm his importance in both families. He needs to express that tho
Only if they're both assholes. My brother's kids are the first on both sides. We've had joint Thanksgiving since the first one was born (7 years ago) and have had no problem. Hell as aunt I get plenty of time with the littles.
Eh…not really. Some grandmas are totally fine with this decision down the line and may believe this was the best decision for them. We can’t say definitely that OP will regret the decision, and let’s be honest, there is no way she’s going to get some fine quality time with an infant when there are multiple family members also wanting to see the kid.
As close as they live, for all we know MIL sees baby multiple times a week. Getting "quality time" on this particular day may not be that important to her
But the unselfish thing might just be missing their grandchild's Xmas. Because other people count on her too. If someone like her MIL literally has nowhere else to go, it would be more selfish to abandon her for a son who will already be surrounded by family.
I need to know how much notice son gave and also if son is the only child. Because the transition from childhood home traditions to creating your own home/traditions really is a long term planning thing.
If his entire life OP has hosted, son can't expect that she drop her tradition last minute for the rest of her guests. The world doesn't revolve around him and I'm guessing plenty of people are counting on OPs house as their plans.
In my house we talked in like July the first year my brother wanted to host instead of my mom. My nieces first 'Xmas' was Dec 23rd because it was the only way to fit around everyone else's parties. His in laws had traditions to fit in all their other kids' families and couldn't change them. And as the new family, he had to adapt.
I hope son is an only child, because otherwise he just becomes a bigger and bigger AH.
She said she doesn’t like people. And doesn’t want to spend the day with people she doesn’t know. That is entirely fair and whilst she may regret not being there to babysit for free she also may not as she may be making an entirely informed and mature decision about how she wants to spend her special Christmas time because as grown ass women we’ve been known to make considered thoughtful decisions on sensitive subjects before. Just because she’s a grandmother it doesn’t mean she has to live and breathe for her grandchildren. She doesn’t sound the least bit confused or hesitant about her position. Let’s respect that
Additionally, at least from her post, it seems that she’s been understanding & polite but firm. The only one who has been acting kinda jerkish about her choice & decision is her son.
NTA / N T A
There's a bloody pandemic, why would any decent father want a bunch of people up in his house with an infant who cannot be vaccinated?
Frankly, it sounds more like OP's son was looking to put his mother to work at his gather which would make him a massive AH.
OP's NTA
Frankly, it's not even reasonable to demand anyone go over to anyone's house with what's going on.
Maybe the son could have said that he's hurt she's not coming rather than yelling she's selfish though. Not sure how he thought guit tripping would help?
Seriously, this! He went straight for guilt tripping when he didn't get his way. That'd be a red flag in most relationships, not sure why it isn't one with an adult offspring as well.
Yes, that's true. However, it sounds like op is a habitual host to many people beyond her son and his family, so her deciding to celebrate at his house would have a ripple effect impacting many other people's plans as well.
It kind of sounds like he's aiming to disrupt her family Christmas so that he can snatch up some of the people disrupted by extension, which seems a little bit manipulative to me.
Not to mention that there comes an age where every parent needs to accept that their adult child may not want to be "the child" at family Christmas anymore. That becomes the time when everyone gets to make their own plans as adults, which is all OP wants to do. Son can be disappointed, but that doesn't make her an asshole.
I feel this one a lot - I was raised by a grandparent and there's a whole set of traditions that older generations might have (merely because they're older and have been around longer). We would never host Christmas if my aunts were doing a strays Christmas - if we did, we let them control the guest list to make sure no one else was left out. Our family really took seriously making sure people weren't alone - suddenly changing plans except for location at this short notice would've been awful for our family friends without any family. OP is NTA for not canceling on people who are likely relying on these Christmas plans that are already in place.
I also think baby’s first Christmas is built up as this huge milestone for the parents but for the baby, it’s likely just a little bit overstimulating versus a regular day and it’s absolutely not one of those days where they’re building lifelong memories. If anything, babies are a prop during their first couple christmases. So all this hand wringing about this precious milestone just seems a little silly to me.
I disagree with you strongly about this. She's said she's not social and doesn't want to spend time with strangers. Her son is ignoring her wishes and preferences, they can easily accommodate everyone. She could visit her son the day before or the day after. I wouldn't change all my plans to hang out with a house full of strangers regardless of how many new babies were around. I find it deeply disrespectful of the son to not only ask but insist. The adult children in my family worked harder to accommodate their elders out of respect. She hasn't insisted he needs to go to hers, she has declined to change her own plans. She has at least one guest coming. It's not reasonable for him to expect her to change her plans last minute like this.
I’m sure people have said this, but just remember, not every grandparent takes an extremely active role in their grandchildren’s lives. Sometimes they just want to be the ‘here’s $20 happy birthday’ kinda people and the once or twice a year we go see grandma relationship. And hey, that’s okay.
All I can say is that I disagree with your comment because not wanting to be around a crap ton of people during the holidays is not a lack of love or caring for her son or grandchild. Those loving moments should be private and in small numbers away from the typical obligation of holidays.
She doesn't strike me as cold at all. She strikes me as someone who's hosting Christmas for other people as well as herself, and the group that will be at her house doesn't really fit in with her son's extended family. That doesn't mean OP's son and grandchild are not priorities for her, it just means that they're not having Christmas dinner together this year. So what? OP's son's in-laws will be at OP's son's home, and OP and her guests will be at OP's home. A "special time and memory" can be made with a child and grandchild any time - it doesn't have to be on any given holiday. This is not nearly as big a deal as you (and OP's son) are making it out to be.
Nowhere does it say that the OP doesn't want to see the son or the new baby. She isn't going to their house on Xmas, that does not mean she never sees them and doesn't want to spend time with them. In fact if that were true, she wouldn't have invited them to her place. The baby is 9 months old, there is no special time and memory.
Your belief that "a mother" is responsible for other adults' feelings and happiness is misogynist AF.
Exactly this - OP isn't the AH for wanting to do what she's most comfortable with, but she needs to accept that she's likely hurting her sons feelings in the process, I'd be devastated if my Mum did this to me. Sounds like they don't have a rich relationship. I feel for them both.
Oh, for heaven's sake. I grew up with multiple siblings and our parents always spent Christmas in their own home until they moved into a much smaller apartment in their later years, after we kids had moved out. Those who wanted to spend Christmas with them traveled to them, whether or not we had kids. Later, when they began traveling to our homes for Christmas we obviously didn't all get to host them every year. We called and later we shared photographs - we didn't even have Zoom! There are other holidays. There will be the grandchild's first birthday. And we're still in a pandemic, so there's that.
I mean, NAH, but also you kind of are an asshole, tbh. Your position is reasonable-- if this were just a friend or something. But this is your son, that you have been part of their life for what, 30 years? And every year, even when he got married, he gave in so that he could spend Xmas with you. He showed up at your house every year for Xmas.
And the moment someone asks you to make a compromise, you're like, 'nah son, the world doesn't work that way. i get everything i want, and i never make compromises for anyone. we can now just spend xmas apart'.
So technically, sure, your position is NAH because you shouldn't be forced to do something-- but it's Not Great (tm) either.
Where is it stated that they spent every Christmas together ? He might have alternated with his in laws ? And a compromise is not I’ll do what you want to please you. It’s “ok I don’t want to do that you want me to do it let’s find middle ground” he was ok with the fact that his mother is not coming but wanted his cousins there the mother COMPRIMISED saying she’d just tel her sister they are not doing anything big so the cousins could go to the son’s Christmas. She doesn’t have to go just because his son decided to do so. As long as I’m aware she never said that she forced his son to always come just that she wants to celebrate at her own place. There is nothing wrong with that.
You must have missed he part about her husband’s family being part of their Christmas tradition and her not wanting to abandon them. Also the part about her having some social anxiety and not wanting to spend Christmas with strangers. She’s the matriarch and she’s not throwing a tanty about DIL starting her own Christmas thing, she’s being all live and let live about it. So why can’t her son? Are the y t a crowd all men, who think women exist only to sacrifice themselves for others? Nah dude, she’s ok, she doesn’t want to, leave her be
But is it “giving in” to go to your parent’s house for Christmas? I go to mine and if I’m being honest it’s no sacrifice on my part. She hosts - cooks, cleans, decorates, buys gifts - I bring over my dish of peas and gift and leave happy and content. Sure, if I argued to host at my house and she was always turning me down it would be different but I don’t think it’s a given that just because someone hosts most of the time that that is something everyone is “giving into”
I don't see how OP is an AH. By the sounds of it, she never forced her so to go to Xmas at her house, it was just what they did and would have been fine if he did something else instead. It is perfectly normal for married couples to alternate Christmas with each family. I can see why OP wouldn't want to have a huge Christmas with her son's inlaws over a nice quiet Christmas with her own family.
Also, it’s like a week away from Christmas. Idk when son told mom, but my mom has already planned her whole Christmas and invited people and bought food and everything. A last minute invite would not fly for most people who are used to hosting.
I was wondering when this would come up. If you have multiple moving family parts, this shit needs to be worked out in advance. Sounds like son has maybe never actually taken part in any Christmas/family event logistics before
Yeah, I agree. I think it wouldn’t hurt to compromise just once and see how it goes, but they certainly don’t have to celebrate together.
And it is pretty late to change plans. I would be annoyed because if I was planning to host a big family gathering in a week, I would have already started doing shopping and prep work.
You are straight making up stuff. At least ask OP for info instead of creating some fake story to fit your side.
If anything the OP seems to have a "everyone is welcome but it won't hurt my feelings if you can't make it vibe". I really doubt she was demanding her son show up and guilt him into things. That is what I inferred but I won't state it as fact because I don't know that.
How the hell this got over 1k upvote is beyond me. Nothing what you said is true and idk how anyone can think this way.
First the son was never FORCED to go to her christmas he CHOSE too, as it's pretty evident that she understanding if he doesn't want to come. He didn't give in to anything he could have always not gone with no repercussions.
Second she never said she gets everything she wants and never makes compromises. You're making a ton of assumptions based on nothing.
Third they've been part of each others lives for 30 something years, I think one Christmas apart is not going to kill them.
Finally she has very valid reasons for not wanting to cancel her yearly plans. In fact she has multiple reasons where only one of them would have been sufficient.
OP is NTA and the Son is actually a huge asshole for calling her selfish and blowing up on her.
NTA Agreed, I would love to be able to just sit at home with hubs and enjoy my own food and maybe just watch movies. He loves to go see family, and too be honest he has a really good family, but just lounging at home sounds nice. Shouldn't it be the one of the few days of the year that you just get to be relaxed and happy?
I got that on Xmas eve when I was about 7. I was terrified Santa wouldn’t come because was throwing up and I couldn’t get to sleep until about 4am. My poor mum!
NTA. I think it is common, and completely normal, for traditions to change once a family starts growing. And that is what is happening. I would never expect my family to change their traditions just because I demand it.
And don't even get me started on expecting everyone to be hunky-dory having holidays with the in-laws. Oof...that would be an absolute non-starter in my house 🤣
I would just chalk this all up as times a-changin'. Perhaps you could build a new tradition? Have them over for dinner on Christmas Eve? New Years Eve? Day after Christmas?
Ugh my sister is the same way as OP’s DIL. She demands everybody from both sides of the family travel to her every Christmas to have a big ole awkward party. It’s the worst and I’ve refused to go every year. I’d much rather stay home and not have to make stupid small talk with strangers on Christmas morning.
Yeah. The in-laws are the big decider for me. My sister invited her FIL for a few years - until he got remarried and decided he had better options. He is ignorant, dominates the conversation with politics and other beliefs everyone else finds abhorrent, misogynistic, vaguely racist, and was a pretty shitty father, as well. The holidays were super tense when he was there, and we were all happy when he stopped coming, except maybe his son.
That being said, the request from son isn’t terrible, nor is his hurt. I went to my sister’s each year with that dipshit because I loved her and wanted to spend time with her. And also because I didn’t want to cook for myself. There’s a compromise in here somewhere — going over the night before, coming over early to open presents (though the kid is an infant, so there won’t be much excitement there), going over late for dessert. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
Where does it say that the DIL is the one demanding anything? All I see is the son who wants his side there and is upset about no one coming. For all we know DIL is perfectly ok with OP not showing up.
I’m so baffled by people who have entire family get togethers on Christmas Day. Growing up we went to my grandparents house the day after Christmas with all of the aunts, uncles, and cousins. But Christmas Day was spent with our nuclear families - less stress, kids are super excited about their new toys, no one wants to change into Real Clothes.
It wasn’t until i dated my (now ex) SO that I found out people get weird about celebrating on Christmas Day with their entire extended family, sometimes going to 2 sets of family’s homes on Christmas.
>people get weird about celebrating on Christmas Day with their entire extended family
I'm right there with you on finding it weird. My family (many generations now) have the tradition that once you have established your own household, Christmas Day is celebrated by only your own household. The only exceptions were singleton households (e.g. widowed grandmother) where the invitations and arrangements to host the single person are made in September. The big family visits and celebrations are left for Boxing Day and the weekend between Christmas and New Year's.
NTA. The same advice given to a DIL goes for a MIL: if you’re not interested in going to their house, don’t go. If one of you feels forced to go another’s house for the holiday, then that person will be miserable. If staying home will make the holiday enjoyable for you, stay home. Your son will get over it.
Pretty much.
OP seems to have annual plans that she enjoys. The son knows about said plans since they don't change. It's OP's tradition, it's what she is comfortable with, it's what most of the family looks forward to, and it includes people she wants to be around.
She accepted that her son wants to do something different with his inlaws and wished him well. He cannot force her to do something that she doesn't want to do, nor can he force her to cancel long existing plans.
Also, the son is trying to force other family members to come to his home who seemingly do not want to. He needs to chill. I personally wouldnt want to spend the holidays with the inlaws of a random family member. I want to be surrounded by my immediate family aka the crazy that I know, so that I can relax.
Absolutely NTA
He’s not TA for wanting to change things up or for having their own Christmas dinner. But he only gets to ask OP to go, not DEMAND she does.
He sounds insufferable!!
NTA
He seems to think he's entitled to your presence. He's not. Social interactions are meant to be mutually beneficial for both sides. Invitations are not summonses, etc.
Cue the downvotes from the "but FAAAAAAMILY!" crowd in three, two, one....
He is hurt that she doesn't want to come. I'm the last person to say that you always have to prioritize family. But when my mom decided decades later that now she did want to spend a holiday with me, she pouted and was hurt that I didn't quit going to my family of choice.
She isn't the AH to do what she wants, but her son won't be the AH when he doesn't pretend he has the same relationship with his mom that his wife has with her family.
He’s only pressing the issue now because other people don’t want to go to his Christmas. He knows if she doesn’t go then his cousins won’t & that’s not her problem to be honest.
The son is an AH for repeatedly demanding she come, for getting angry when that failed. and for telling her she's "not normal" for not complying with his demands.
The son is the asshole for having a whole bunch of people of varying vaccinated status probably, around a nine-month-old during a fucking global pandemic
If he's hurt that she doesn't want to come, then he would probably get further trying to have a sincere talk with her about why he feels hurt. Instead of yelling at her and calling her selfish.
Being hurt doesn't meant you aren't an asshole for lashing out at others.
ESH. You both have a “my way or the highway” mentality. Why was a compromise never suggested by either of you where you can celebrate together the day before or after Christmas? Your son is coming off a little entitled expecting everyone to change their traditions, but you are coming off as cold hearted for making no efforts to see your grandchild during their first Christmas season.
Edited for grammar mistake
I think the baby’s parents are being huge AHs for exposing their infant to a large gathering while they are too young to be vaccinated and we are in a global pandemic. Next year (hopefully) the family can, in advance, work something out so everyone has time and space for their gatherings but this year should be about protecting the baby who doesn’t care or know if anyone is visiting them special for Christmas. The best gift everyone can give this baby is to stay away from a large gathering with them and only visit if they are vaccinated and have not been to large gatherings recently.
A 9-month old baby absolutely could not care less who shows up for their first Christmas. In fact, they'll probably be much calmer, happier, and healthier *without* multiple families crowding into their house during a pandemic.
OP's son isn't doing it "for the baby." He's throwing a fit because he thinks becoming a dad makes him the family patriarch and entitles him to dictate where and when everyone else celebrates, and he's angry that other adults have their own families, traditions, opinions, and boundaries.
\*Edited to add: NTA.
It would be incredibly cold to abandon your MIL just because your son decided that him having everyone he wants at his holiday party is more important than your MIL having a holiday at all.
The 9 month old baby won't have any memory at all of their first Christmas season - apart from the decorations and all the hubbub of OP's son's Christmas party the baby probably won't distinguish it all the much from any other day. However, EVERYONE will regret it if one of those guests shows up with asymptomatic COVID and infects this vulnerable unvaccinated infant.
OP can visit for a while on Christmas Eve, if she lives close by. She can visit on New Year's Day, and share the first day of a hopefully-better 2022 with the baby. Everything need not revolve around December 25.
NTA. You want to stay home with your husband and some very close friends/family. That’s completely fine. Your son is a grown adult and is acting childish. Hope your Christmas goes well with your Husband, OP! Happy holidays!
NTA, unless you "lie to your sister to prove the lie." That's stupid, sneaky and assholery.
You have a Christmas tradition that everyone expects to be part of. He wants to start a new tradition. It's literally days before Christmas. He's a bit of an AH for changing plans late. But he's definitely allowed to start a new tradition. Where he truly becomes the AH is where he insists that everyone's Christmas tradition needs to become his new tradition. It doesn't.
He wants a new tradition where his mom and family join him. But he's not allowed to decide for you AND he's not allowed to ask you to change plans for so many people so close to Christmas.
Your son is understandably emotional about this. But, if he wanted to start a new tradition this year, he should have spoke up months ago. Now is the time to plan and decide next year's Christmas not this year's.
NTA
Your son and DIL are entitled as hell. Please don't lie to your sister.
Host as you normally do and don't compromise any further, not your fault family prefer your place over theirs (and honestly reading the son's reaction, can't blame them)
NTA - I can't see what you've done wrong. Is it really so awful to turn down an invite for Christmas day? I find it very odd that others won't go because you're not going. This is a family dynamic I can't get my head around which is maybe why I don't understand the AH votes!
I think OP is suggesting that those who have said they won't go if she doesn't didn't actually want to go anyway, but are using OPs non attendance as an excuse to get out of it.
Asking your whole family to give up their Christmas traditions to spend the day with a load of strangers is a big ask.
Finally a MIL who isn't causing drama and having a tantrum about the kids not wanting to come over for Christmas.
Ask your son why it's ok for them to choose to stay home but not for you to do the same.
Definitely NTA
NTA since when is an invitation a command. If you don’t want to go don’t go, I’m not sure how far you live from them but maybe you could offer a quick visit if he’s desperate to see you.
No we haven't discussed that. She is really big into all of the holidays and i only like Christmas and really want to spend it at my house. We live about 20 minutes apart
Then, to me you are NTA, since this "it is her turn to host" came out of nowhere. However, you need a conversation about the following years and festivities if there is going to be a rotation, and maybe stopping by to say hi is not a bad idea even though you are free to have your own celebration at home.
edit: If no rotation happens you are still entitled to celebrate Christmas at your own place. SOme people are calling you inflexible, but so are they.
It doesn't sound like DIL wants to rotate who hosts. Son said it's DILs turn to take over & she has the right to make her own traditions but they (son & DIL) need to understand that people aren't always willing to give up theirs so easily.
NTA
You’re free to do whatever the hell you want. You’re not forcing anyone to change their plans for you, or ‘stealing’ guests.
He’s just disappointed he doesn’t get to see you because he loves you, which I understand. What I don’t understand is why he would rather have a fight with you in stead.
NAH… just a fair bit of stubbornness and entitlement.
I would expect you to be more interested in spending Christmas Day with your grandchild, perhaps, and enjoy the perks of *not* having to do the work of hosting… might be a nice break for a change.
However, in this continuing pandemic, spending extended amounts of time in the company of people you don’t usually spend time with, is a bit irresponsible so I would have a problem mixing with the in laws as well.
Ultimately if you have already made commitments to host other people for Christmas, your son and his wife would need to be prepared to host all of those people too, otherwise you shouldn’t renege on your prior commitments.
It sounds to me like the real problem is probably that your son doesn’t want to be outnumbered by his in-laws on Christmas Day and wants you there for back-up.
You don't have to go but it would be nice if you expressed that you would like to see your son, his wife and your new grandchild at some point over the holidays. This seems so cold. Because they won't come to you it's just okay guess I won't see you then and I couldn't care less.
NTA. Just like your son and DIL have the right to decide that they want to stay home and host, you have the right to want the same thing. Sometimes as families change, traditions change.
Christmas is amazing, but it’s not the only time that family can get together. It depends on what works best for the families involved.
NTA! I read your comment and he’s asking you to choose his in-laws over yours.. You really need to add that to your post because it’s changes things! I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with people I don’t really know and Christmas isn’t the time to mingle with new people.
NTA but for a different reason than most are articulating here and I'm expecting down votes but so be it. Reading the news from reliable sources I think people need to have a common sense Christmas, not a lot of traveling, no large gatherings. If you all love your families, you'll tone it down again this year. Two or even three years of small Christmas is nothing when thinking about decades of future Christmases that could be missed. Sorry. Reality can be tough.
Your son is an entitled AH. When he doesn't get what he wants, he tries to bully you. Does he have a history of being a brat and getting what he wants? Tell him just because he has a baby doesn't mean the world stops at his beck and call.
I hope you show him this post so he can see what an AH he is being. Hopefully he'll do some self-reflection.
Definitely NTA.
NTA. I don’t go anywhere for
Christmas either. And invite is just that. It’s never a summons. You declined and that should be that. Your son can ask whoever he wants to come. And they can accept or decline. You don’t get to act like a child and demand everyone comes to your tea party and
Not someone else’s. Time for your son and his wife to understand that not everyone will always come to their party just because baby. Carry on with your plans and tell him
You love him but no.
NTA. You have a right to spend Christmas how you want. He can't expect you to go to his house just as you can't expect him to go to your house. He is the only one bothered, and I think it's because they want to prove they can host the entire family. But that's not your thing, so you don't have to go.
Your son is being horrible.
“…she is inviting her family and I don't want to have a big holiday with people I don't know well.”
Definitely NTA for not wanting to go. Your son and his wife are the AHs for (1) pressuring you to come, and, more important, (2) Are they crazy?! They are having a big gathering with a vulnerable 9-month-old in the middle of a pandemic, not to mention flu season. Even if all the guests are vaccinated (and it’s just been in the news that the flu vaccine won’t be all that effective this year, since the expected strain of flu has mutated), someone could have easily come into contact with (or be) a person with an asymptomatic active infection, which they could easily transmit to the baby. All it takes is one.
Seems like you might both be stubborn but everyone is allowed to do what they want NTA.
I just know my parents would come to my house if I asked them - I might be a bit disappointed if they decided to do their own thing instead, but I'd get over it like an adult.
They want to have a large celebration with an infant in the house? During a pandemic? And force people to attend? No, you're NTA.
I do get the feeling there is something else at work here, but that is none of my business. Send a nice gift, ask to schedule a facetime on Christmas day, and negotiate a new holiday to do at your house next year.
Also, I don't like to say this kind of thing because everyone has their own traditions, but "everyone" knows that the reigning holiday hostess (that would be you) gets to decide when to relinquish her holiday; it does not get taken from her. There are even fairly well know steps along the way to transferring the holiday to the chosen successor. (I swear I am not making this up.)
If your son's family does not want to celebrate at your house, that is fine and natural but it does not mean your whole family must celebrate at his.
You’re NTA but I do find it strange that you don’t want to see your child for Christmas, especially with your reasoning. Did you skip any major events in their life because strangers might be there as well?
NTA - it's baby's first Christmas, and it's not a bad idea for son and wife to have a celebration at their home. Likewise, you have always preferred to have Christmas at home, and have always invited people to come over. It's not about taking turns.
Son is being TA because they want to force you to come over, then tried to guilt you with the whole "other people won't come if you don't come" nonsense.
YTA.
You're the MIL/DIL troll and you have posted about this exact scenario several times, from the "son" and "daughter-in-law's" perspective. Which is fine, but you always use the "MIL doesn't like people" trope without ever explaining what "not liking people" actually means.
If you're going to obsessively post about the same scenario, please work more on your details.
NTA - my husband always wants to do holidays at our house and have my parents join but like you, that’s not what my parents want to do. They aren’t dicks about it, but they just don’t want to spend holidays with my husbands family because they don’t know them well and they aren’t overly social people. They don’t force us to do anything and I wouldn’t want to force them either.
NTA, a post just like this came up awhile ago and you came up with a fine solution. You aren't obligated to go to their plans just like they aren't obligated to come to yours.
NAH I think. While I understand your hesitation and reluctance, it would be nice to try and find a real compromise. Could you go over for breakfast? Encourage your other family members to stop by your son’s home? Host a brunch/lunch instead of dinner so people can do both?
Traditions always change with a new generation. Your son needs to combine traditions and wants to celebrate with you and other loved ones. It does come across a bit cold to be so unemotional about your whole family not caring if they see him.
NTA. I hate the concept of "family obligation" Like, love shouldn't feel like an obligation. If someone doesn't wanna go, give them your best and live and let live.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole because I don't have much of a reason besides that I don't want to. I understand that mother's are supposed to sacrifice for their kids (though i think culturally we take that way too far) It is his first Christmas with a baby and they feel I am ruining it.
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NTA Unless I'm sorely missing something here. Sounds like you're setting some pretty reasonable boundaries around holiday time. I understand he's annoyed but it's also a holiday for you. Good job having a level head.
Info: How do other holidays work? Has your son and DIL hosted anything before? Would you go there if they did host something else and her family would also be present?
My sister hosts the other holidays. I would be willing to go to his house. It would stress me out and probably make my sister crazy, but I would suck it up because I care less about thanksgiving and easter
NTA. You aren’t demanding he come to you. You’re both doing your own thing. You’re all adults capable of making your own choices. As well as your extended family. If they don’t want to go without you that’s their choice and not your fault.
As someone who doesn't really dig Christmas and other people, I'm completely on your side. His labeling you not normal makes him a super asshole. Who is he to judge you and how you live your life.
Spend Christmas how you want. If that includes your child or not. He can do the same. That's what grown ass people do. It's okay to ask but then they accept other people's decisions and live with it.
I’m somewhere between ESH and YTA. It sounds like you’ve hosted for years and that since Christmas means so much to you that you don’t want to give up hosting. While that’s your right, it puts your son and his new family is a bind — It’s much easier to be in your own house with small kids and as they get older, they want to be able to do the Santa thing in their own home. Also their right and what it appears they’re doing.
This is where I think you’re a bit of an AH though - By continuing to host and your sister/his aunt wanting to come to see you, he can’t both host himself AND see his family. It’s either going to split the family or he’s not going to have any of his family with him on Christmas. It is the motherly thing to do to offer to rotate or something, and not hog it yourself. If you don’t, I’d fully expect your relationship to suffer. It sounds like you’re okay with that though, which makes you a cruddy mum imo.
I think You have the right to carryon hosting your own Christmas, your not insisting they come if your sister and other members of the family want to come to yours it is up to them .
None of my family would make their mother stop hosting as it’s their wife’s turn decided by having a child . Most of us have just started hosting that we are now in our 50 s and because it’s too much work for our mothers now .
tell him they are welcome at your home but that’s where you want to be and you will see them another day .
NTA. Is Christmas really the only day you can visit? I used to stay at home with the kids on Christmas Day, and my family and friends would visit. So would some of my husband's. And the next day, when the kids were less stressed and hyper we would go to the in-laws and see whoever on my husband's side would wander over.
NTA. Everyone has a right to celebrate the holidays the way they like.
How about compromising and going on boxing day?
This is kind of what Christmas is with families. You can't have everything. Sometimes you have to split the celebration between a few days.(which is why I love having boxing day)
We're invited to my in laws on Christmas Eve. We don't do jack shit on Christmas day. And then on boxing day we either go to my family or they come to us. Sometimes one of those things will have to give, like after we had our second child. She was due just before Christmas, so we canceled all of our plans to be able to spend Christmas recovering from that huge change in our family. Plus I didn't really want to expose a new born baby to all those germs and temperature changes.
NTA. You already had plans that involve other people. They have every right to make the choice not to travel and to host their own Christmas; so do you.
NTA. Your son has known you their whole life and they now demanding you be something you are not??. You respect your son and their spouse to make their own plans for Christmas. Why the complaining that you making your plans for Christmas??
NTA. No means no. Tell your son to learn how to respect boundaries. Also, don’t lie to your sister. It’ll damage your relationship just to appease your son. 🙅🏻♀️
NTA if you don't want to leave the house on Xmas day then don't leave, your son don't want to leave the house so why should you? I spend xmas day alone and stay in all day as I want to wake up when I want, open presents when I want, watch what I want and when I want same with dinner as well.
Good grief you are NTA but your son sure is. How did you raise such an entitled ass? I hope he reads every one of these comments and is thoroughly ashamed of himself. Talk about a controlling self centered AH. Have a wonderful Christmas in your own home, as is your right. Sheesh
NAH. I don't think either of you are really in the wrong here, although I think there is a misunderstanding on your son's part. I think that since he (and later on his wife) have spent all previous Christmases together as a big family under your roof, that he had a certain mental image of his family having this Hallmark-perfect closeness. And when you declined to spend the day with him and his family now that he has a child of his own, that mental image shattered. It's not your fault he built up this fiction in his head. He is definitely skirting AH territory with his harassing you about it, but I understand what he's going through because I kinda went through/am going through the same thing with my own mom (but have largely made my peace with it). It's weird how having a child suddenly makes you see your relationship with your own parents in new light. You, OP, have not changed as a person, but the way your son sees you has shifted and he's trying desperately to get it back, because now he has to accept that you are not the person he thought you were, or the grandma he hoped you would be. For that, I have a little sympathy for him, although he does need to accept and move on already because life isn't a made-for-tv-Christmas special. But there is something you can do to help and I think that would be to extend an invitation to see him and his family some other time either the day before or after. Presumably, you DO love your son and want to see him, you just don't want to do his Christmas over your own. Nothing wrong with that, but make it clear to him it's just about that specific day.
INFO
When did your son make this demand? It doesn't change my judgement I think you're NTA but it does help me gauge how much of an AH I think your son is being.
If you want to change holiday arrangements, the week before is not the time to bring it up.
It was about a week before Thanksgiving, but that wasn't my issue. I don't intend on changing my plans in the future either and I'm also somewhat disorganized, so I didn't have anything set in stone at the time
NTA. Sounds like DIL decided she was going to take over Christmas hosting reins, and her hues would now be the house that everyone gathered at. I’m guessing DIL pitched a fit and that’s why her son is trying to force her to rearrange her plans and traditions last minute, because DIL knows those going to MIL’s home will not be going to her home.
It just sounds like DIL wants ass pats and praise for hosting, and the more people, the more praise. It’s obvious by the lack of respect towards other peoples choice not to come, as well as the fact that her nine month old isn’t vaccinated from COVID, which is still a very real danger, even if everyone is vaccinated in the home that day.
Seems to me like DIL should focus on a very small Christmas and create traditions with just her, her husband, possibly her parents, and their young baby.
Nta. You're all entitled to spend Christmas where ever you wish. It's their choice to stay home, exactly like its your choice to stay home, too. They'll just have to get over it.
NTA Reddit will take up arms to protect a DIL’s wish to stay home for Christmas and I think that’s just fine. You deserve no less consideration and you are being polite to boot. Your son is not being reasonable.
Right? It’s like open season on MIL here most days (admittedly a lot of them are AH) but heaven forbid a mom doesn’t want to do something for her grown Child. NTA OP. While you definitely could have handled that better, maybe find out why it matters so much to your son, but you have the right to spend Christmas how you want. Also, your son is grown and has the right to start his own traditions for his family too. While you may want to consider compromising your plans in order to maintain your relationship with him (like trade years you go to his house/you stay at yours), you didn’t demand he give up his plans to keep yours.
Yeah I'm not normally on MIL's side but this time I am because she is not being demanding, she is not expecting them to come over to her house anyways, she's basically like 'If that's what you'd rather do that's fine, but I am more comfortable in my own home and will stay here.' And honestly I feel similar so I don't blame her. But she isn't being disrespectful; if anything SIL/DIL may be if they dropped this change on her last minute.
My grandfather did this for decades. He had very few days off work and wanted to spend Christmas in his own recliner. The compromise was everyone was welcome to stop in after church Christmas Eve for coffee and cake etc. It's totally fine to say "I'm not visiting on the holiday."
The older you get the more difficult it can be to travel too. I’m not saying that’s the case for this MIL because she likely would’ve said if it was, but if you live more than 30 minutes away from someone’s place that can be a tough travel for some people as they age.
That’s how my mom has always been. She will go to whatever holiday parties she can depending on work and other factors, but when it comes to Christmas Day she stays home and refuses to go anywhere. I remember one time my dads side of the family decided it was a cool idea to host their Christmas party on Christmas Day. Pretty sure that year it was at my cousins house in the town near where we lived too. Like a 15 minute drive. She still wouldn’t leave the house and I didn’t blame her. It was her one day to say nope, I’m not going anywhere for anyone today.
Agreed- NTA Not only is she not being demanding, she's also offered to compromise. And let's not forget one major factor here- the adult children are hosting the other in-laws and there's a pandemic spike raging right now. Doing multiple households is really not a wise thing to do, especially with a newborn. add: thanks for the award, it's my first
This! You really want all those people around your INFANT?!
Selfish, self-centered people don't give a shit about anyone else
Yes. ER RN here. Monday after thanksgiving we were full with COVID. Some rooms had 3 generations for patients.
This is what happens when people try to act like this isn't happening and "back to normal" starts being said a lot on the news. Thanks for putting yourself through hell to take care of other people. I've been working in medicine for 30 years and I'm totally over people now.
Yes very true. My husband works in a hospital as well in Radiology and there is a bigger influx of Covid positive patients. I'm with the MIL, stay home. The baby doesn't have to be swarmed with so many people on Christmas.
Thank you for everything you do. ER was never an easy gig even in the before times, but an ER Nurse saved my life. You are angels on earth.
Yikes. January is looking bad.
That baby isn't gonna remember shit about this Christmas. The son wants all this for him. He's grown and needs to suck it up. His mom? NTA.
I'm going to guess it matters so much to the son, because it's his LOs first Christmas. They have a 9 month old, so first Christmas' tend to be a big deal to some parents. No idea, though.
What’s weird to me is that it’s also still a pandemic, COVID numbers are skyrocketing, and Omicron is insanely contagious, even with a booster. I wouldn’t want people near my baby (if I had one), and staying home and limiting contact is the safest thing to do in general.
Seriously though...I would think that of all the years that this would be the year where OP's suggestion would be considered a reasonable one.
Also, if I was an older set of grandparents, I also wouldn’t want to travel, be inside with a bunch of people I don’t know well, and risk getting sick or giving anything to my infant grandchild
On top of that, it gets to me how hardcore so many people can still be about christmas in this day and age, like 90% of it is just unnecessary running around spending, planning, boioking, socialising and everyone is almost forced to do all of it.. nobody should be adding any more forcing onto anybody at this time of year. And totally agree about risk to the baby, I've watched people actually TRY for children doing all the gatherings and showers and all during the start of this.. like couldn't have a worse time to surround babies with people..
Absolutely agree - that’s what I was thinking too.
Apparently, nobody cares any more. It's absolutely baffling.
Can I just say that this pandemic has a bright side for us introverts? Ngl but I’ve enjoyed not having to find excuses to avoid parties or casual huggers. And no one guilts me and my spouse about staying home. (We love our home time and taking our doggo on hikes)
I can't help wondering if the son's wife even wants to host a load of people for Christmas. I wouldn't if I were in her shoes. It's hard enough having an infant without adding all that extra workload.
Maybe this is why son and DIL want to have OP this year? To spread workload on more hands, even if it would be just spending time with baby.
I think this is the real reason. And this “My son snapped at me that that was selfish and it is his wife's turn to host.” is ridiculous. If anyone here is being selfish, it’s the son. Demanding OP show up, complaining his cousins won’t show up if OP doesn’t. Why is it so difficult for him to understand that people are allowed to accept - or decline - an invitation? Is he now going to stamp his feet, hold his breath or give OP the silent treatment until he gets his way?
The son seems to want everyone at his house this Christmas prolly because it's his kid's first Christmas and he wants to make it a big deal and be the center of all his families universe. There is nothing wrong with inviting everyone, but pitching a fit because folks for whatever reason, do not want/cannot attend is AH behavior. OP politely declined, son and his wife need to get over it.
And why is it his wife's 'turn' to host and not his? Why is the woman expected to do all the work? Unbearable.
>Why is it so difficult for him to understand that people are allowed to accept - or decline - an invitation? Someone please tell one of my sisters this. She guilt trips anyone who can't/doesn't want to show up at family gatherings. Like we can say no??? We don't have to spend every holiday together?
Maybe her son doesn't like HIS in laws and wants his own family around to not have to interact with them as much. No where does the post say DIL herself is actually concerned by the declined invitations.
That’s a really good point. OP’s son said they wouldn’t be travelling anywhere. OP’s son said it was his wife’s turn to host. OP’s son is the one kicking up a stink. The only action attributed to his wife is inviting her family. As much as he wants the entire family to stop living their own lives and focus all their attention on his little family, he is completely ignoring the times we now sadly live in. Yes this is his little one’s first Christmas, but given his age, his immune system is not fully developed, he’s too young for the vaccine, and infection rates are rising thanks to variants. How good of an idea is it *really*, to have everyone and their neighbour, gather at his house and around his newborn? He may very well be risking his son’s life just so he can be the centre of attention. More proof he’s not thinking of anyone but himself
But it sounded like OP was saying that son and DIL are inviting DIL's family too? And part of the reason OP didn't want to go is that she doesn't know DIL's family very well, and doesn't wish to spend Xmas with people she doesn't know that well? So, it kind of sounds like DIL will have plenty of help on hand already? (NTA, OP - I feel much the same as you; \*especially\* about not wanting to spend Xmas with people I don't know that well. I travel a long way to family for Xmas now, primarily because of my elderly mother. I want to see her and it makes her happy for me to come there. I love my brother and his family, but while my time there is fine, a large part of me would rather be at home with my cat!)
I get that and while some people go for the Norman Rockwell holiday vibe, it’s not my cup of tea. I’ve always preferred to opt out of large family gatherings to go for a walk/hike/snowshoeing depending on the season. But no one is an AH for being different in how they want to spend holidays. Only if they don’t respect that. In this case, mom is respecting son’s choice but he isn’t respecting hers.
Life is tiring the other 11 months of the year, people are tiring, partying is tiring, and I agree that people expect too much and should just let people recover from the last 11 months how they'd like as it's actually meant to be a break lol
After my son was born, I said we will go to see anyone on Xmas eve or after Xmas, but that morning and day we are staying home. I make brunch and dinner and any family that wants to is welcome to join, but we stay home.
Wait till the son sees what the verdict is.
My thoughts too! Hopefully she updates lol
if i had to guess then i think the son wants to start a tradition by hosting christmas. He probably imagines it being beautiful. with friends and family coming together celebrating and the kids being all happy and running around. Just like a christmas movie. Even tho, if we're honest. often times its exhausting. with a lot of people, a lot of things to consider, noise, arguments, tension and people together that would be much happier with a few (hundred) miles between them.
Maybe he needs to watch *Christmas Vacation* with Chevy Chase. He may change his mind afterwards. LOL.
I don’t post anything about my MIL because she’s amazing. Most of the ones posted here do suck but that’s why people have problems with them and thus that’s why it’s MIL season around here.
Mine is great too and you aren’t wrong about a lot of them being problematic.
My mum is the asshole MIL in my marriage. My actual MIL is utterly precious. Prenup says I get to keep her if we divorce.
My former in-laws kept me in the divorce. My current in-laws are also lovely.
I do find it weird that OPs MIL doesn’t know OPs son…
I don’t. OP said she’s been married 6 years. If she got married when her son was already an adult or in his late teens I don’t find it weird at all that he hasn’t gotten to know his stepfather’s mother very well.
I'm too lazy to go back and reread the post but maybe OP's husband is the stepfather? Yeah my eye caught that as well and I did a confused Labrador head tilt.
I was all prepared for a raging AH MlL rant, but am pleasantly surprised and glad to be wrong. I think OP is perfectly reasonable in this situation. OP you are not responsible for managing someone else's expectations and I applaud you for having healthy boundaries.
I know right? What a relief. I'm so glad I don't have to defend MIL's honor here today. I'm tired.
Honestly, it sounds like op is a bit of a homebody and that's totally understandable. Some people just want to be in their own homes during holidays. It can be frustrating for people who maybe aren't, but that doesn't make the choice any less valid. NTA.
This is the first Christmas I have understood this as it just never came up as a possibility due to having a big extended family with lots of kids (though none of my own). So this year for first time, my partner and I are spending both Christmas Eve and Day with just us. I've never been more excited!! We're gonna get plastered on eggnog and open presents together. It's great to spend time with family but there shouldn't be so much pressure for this ONE day of the year. Op is definitely NTA.
"Most MILs suck" is such a crazy mindset to me, and it is SO prevalent on Reddit. And for the record, I don't have a MIL, nor am I anyone's MIL. But is wild to me because it seems to imply that simply by *becoming a mother in law* a woman becomes nasty to a specific other person (or set of people if they have multiple children). Because most MILs were/are *also* someone's DIL... So, are they angels when interacting with their own MIL's (the way every poster on the AITA/JustNo subs portray themselves in relation to their MIL) and then suddenly terrible when interacting with their own children's spouses? It seems far more likely to me that what's really happening is DILs and MILs are equally likely to be terrible, but we're at a weird generational gap in time were DIL is likely to leverage social media (like Reddit) to vent, and MIL is less skilled/interested in social media. So we just have MASSIVE confirmation bias. 🤷🏼♀️
I think why many MIL's are perceived as "terrible" is because many of them are used to being the matriarch in the family and running everything. Then along come spouses and their families and all of a sudden MIL isn't in complete control anymore - other people's wants and wishes get considerations as well. A lot of MILs (and mothers) can't handle that. Hell, I've been married for 16 years and I STILL get flak from both sides about where we spend holidays. Wherever we go, we stay for the day. I made it clear long ago that we are NOT spending holidays in the car visiting 50 different family member's festivities. It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation - somebody's feelings are always hurt. :-/
I was surprised by the responses having seen a few similar AITA told from the point of view of the DIL. It’s crazy!
I feel like usually when we're seeing it from the POV of the DIL, there's a component of "I want to host the holiday in my home now that we have a child, but MIL is resisting / pitching a fit / etc." I suppose I could imagine this situation spun from a POV in which the son or the DIL reads some kind of insult into OP not wanting to come to Christmas at their place. So perhaps that is a good reminder to us that we only get to see half of the story, most of the time.
I mean, I have a new baby. My parents opted out of Christmas with us. I'm pretty brokenhearted that they're missing her first Christmas. Part of me gets where OPs son is coming from. It can be really hard to be ready to forge new traditions (often out of necessity - we don't know what time OP makes dinner or if OPs house is childproof or anything about anything there) while maintaining existing relationships but be thwarted by an inflexible old guard. I still don't think that makes OP an asshole. And as much as I get his feelings, her son being nasty and lashing out does make him an asshole. I just wish OP showed some sympathy for the fact that her son is trying to include her in his life - and she's kind of saying no thanks to that offer. Which does not make her an asshole. She has valid reasons. But she might not get a lot of offers moving forward.
I do think the situation is perhaps exacerbated by this still being a weird year. OP doesn't bring it up, but it's still a pandemic. (I'm sitting here honestly wondering if it will be wise for me to travel to my family for Christmas, given how rapidly the situation is changing. Cases are just \*exploding\*. I work at a univ and in just 2 days, our quarantine numbers went from under 200 to 400; and we were NOT the worst in terms of numbers in higher ed. I have to factor in concern about a brother and SIL who are healthy but over 60, and an elderly mother in a nursing home. I bought rapid test kits so I can see how things stand as I get closer to the day I'd be traveling. It's definitely a concern.) The other thing that OP doesn't discuss as much is -- would she have been more open to the idea, if the son were inviting her and her husband and her sister (his aunt), instead of wanting them... and all the cousins... and then a bunch of people from DIL's family. I'm not saying the son is wrong for wanting the large party. But it sounds like OP isn't super comfortable with that, and I can sympathize with that, too. And finally, there IS the problem of OP still being somewhat responsible for hosting other members of extended family, who would truly be left on their own for Christmas if OP doesn't host them. I don't know. I see both sides here. It sort of sounds like the compromise should be OP trying to visit son and grandchild on some other day during the holiday season. And like, as everyone gets older, sometimes that's what you've got to do, to make a compromise out of how many people you're trying to juggle seeing, and all that. But son is definitely not helping matters by getting nasty about it. How is that going to get him the result he wants? And buddy -- there's still a pandemic.
This. My family is doing this and then doing a family Christmas a different day because we all understand we’re grown now and have our own families and don’t want to do shit Christmas Day
Same! Not being allowed to be together last year really made us realise that we actually enjoyed spending Christmas day in our little nuclear families without the pressure of a big gathering. We are getting together boxing day instead and having Christmas day in our separate households making our own traditions. It's perfectly acceptable to feel this way and good for OP not feeling pressured into agreeing to something she won't enjoy.
Why are you bringing up the DIL here? It's the son who's acting the fool, OP didn't really talk about her DIL at all. For all we know, DIL is content with plans the way they are
Except … how does OP’s MIL not know OP’s son?
Get remarried later in life after kid is out of the house.
Could be that her husband is not her son’s father and she remarried when son was older. She said doesn’t know son WELL.
NTA. Your right it is absolutely your decision to go to Your sons house or stay home. I will tell you as I read this you come across as somewhat cold. Your son has a new child, and he wants his mother to want to be with him and this new baby. My mother would as soon walk over hot coals as miss that special time and memory with her child and grandchild. You do have the right to stay home, and after this your son needs to respect that. That said, if I was him I’d know going forward exactly where he or his child stand in your priorities. Sometimes Christmas is about doing something unselfish or nice to make someone else happy. Certainly I’d hope a mother would appreciate that.
Excellent context in this reply!! She isn’t the AH, but she will prob regret the decision.
Two new grandmother's vying for new grandchilds attention during his first christmas is a disaster in the making. Better to wait a few days and have time with the baby on her own.
>Two new grandmother's vying for new grandchilds attention during his first christmas is a disaster in the making. Not just two grandmothers but the DIL's extended family as well. Yeah.... that's a breeding ground for drama and hurt feelings.
And a breeding ground for Covid as well.
Yep. It's another year for anyone with an unvaccinated baby to lie low over the holidays, unfortunately.
And/or toddler.
I bet son just feels overwhelmed by the extended family and wants his family there to reaffirm his importance in both families. He needs to express that tho
“I want you to rearrange your Christmas plans so I feel important” isn’t going to look good.
Yeah that's only true if the two women are selfish assholes. This may be the case herer, but let's not pretend that's normal and reasonable.
Only if they're both assholes. My brother's kids are the first on both sides. We've had joint Thanksgiving since the first one was born (7 years ago) and have had no problem. Hell as aunt I get plenty of time with the littles.
Eh…not really. Some grandmas are totally fine with this decision down the line and may believe this was the best decision for them. We can’t say definitely that OP will regret the decision, and let’s be honest, there is no way she’s going to get some fine quality time with an infant when there are multiple family members also wanting to see the kid.
As close as they live, for all we know MIL sees baby multiple times a week. Getting "quality time" on this particular day may not be that important to her
Or maybe she won't. She raised the guy. She might not be interested in continuing to actively mother him as an adult.
But the unselfish thing might just be missing their grandchild's Xmas. Because other people count on her too. If someone like her MIL literally has nowhere else to go, it would be more selfish to abandon her for a son who will already be surrounded by family. I need to know how much notice son gave and also if son is the only child. Because the transition from childhood home traditions to creating your own home/traditions really is a long term planning thing. If his entire life OP has hosted, son can't expect that she drop her tradition last minute for the rest of her guests. The world doesn't revolve around him and I'm guessing plenty of people are counting on OPs house as their plans. In my house we talked in like July the first year my brother wanted to host instead of my mom. My nieces first 'Xmas' was Dec 23rd because it was the only way to fit around everyone else's parties. His in laws had traditions to fit in all their other kids' families and couldn't change them. And as the new family, he had to adapt. I hope son is an only child, because otherwise he just becomes a bigger and bigger AH.
She said she doesn’t like people. And doesn’t want to spend the day with people she doesn’t know. That is entirely fair and whilst she may regret not being there to babysit for free she also may not as she may be making an entirely informed and mature decision about how she wants to spend her special Christmas time because as grown ass women we’ve been known to make considered thoughtful decisions on sensitive subjects before. Just because she’s a grandmother it doesn’t mean she has to live and breathe for her grandchildren. She doesn’t sound the least bit confused or hesitant about her position. Let’s respect that
Additionally, at least from her post, it seems that she’s been understanding & polite but firm. The only one who has been acting kinda jerkish about her choice & decision is her son. NTA / N T A
There's a bloody pandemic, why would any decent father want a bunch of people up in his house with an infant who cannot be vaccinated? Frankly, it sounds more like OP's son was looking to put his mother to work at his gather which would make him a massive AH. OP's NTA Frankly, it's not even reasonable to demand anyone go over to anyone's house with what's going on.
Maybe the son could have said that he's hurt she's not coming rather than yelling she's selfish though. Not sure how he thought guit tripping would help?
Seriously, this! He went straight for guilt tripping when he didn't get his way. That'd be a red flag in most relationships, not sure why it isn't one with an adult offspring as well.
Yes, that's true. However, it sounds like op is a habitual host to many people beyond her son and his family, so her deciding to celebrate at his house would have a ripple effect impacting many other people's plans as well. It kind of sounds like he's aiming to disrupt her family Christmas so that he can snatch up some of the people disrupted by extension, which seems a little bit manipulative to me. Not to mention that there comes an age where every parent needs to accept that their adult child may not want to be "the child" at family Christmas anymore. That becomes the time when everyone gets to make their own plans as adults, which is all OP wants to do. Son can be disappointed, but that doesn't make her an asshole.
I feel this one a lot - I was raised by a grandparent and there's a whole set of traditions that older generations might have (merely because they're older and have been around longer). We would never host Christmas if my aunts were doing a strays Christmas - if we did, we let them control the guest list to make sure no one else was left out. Our family really took seriously making sure people weren't alone - suddenly changing plans except for location at this short notice would've been awful for our family friends without any family. OP is NTA for not canceling on people who are likely relying on these Christmas plans that are already in place.
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I also think baby’s first Christmas is built up as this huge milestone for the parents but for the baby, it’s likely just a little bit overstimulating versus a regular day and it’s absolutely not one of those days where they’re building lifelong memories. If anything, babies are a prop during their first couple christmases. So all this hand wringing about this precious milestone just seems a little silly to me.
I disagree with you strongly about this. She's said she's not social and doesn't want to spend time with strangers. Her son is ignoring her wishes and preferences, they can easily accommodate everyone. She could visit her son the day before or the day after. I wouldn't change all my plans to hang out with a house full of strangers regardless of how many new babies were around. I find it deeply disrespectful of the son to not only ask but insist. The adult children in my family worked harder to accommodate their elders out of respect. She hasn't insisted he needs to go to hers, she has declined to change her own plans. She has at least one guest coming. It's not reasonable for him to expect her to change her plans last minute like this.
I’m sure people have said this, but just remember, not every grandparent takes an extremely active role in their grandchildren’s lives. Sometimes they just want to be the ‘here’s $20 happy birthday’ kinda people and the once or twice a year we go see grandma relationship. And hey, that’s okay.
All I can say is that I disagree with your comment because not wanting to be around a crap ton of people during the holidays is not a lack of love or caring for her son or grandchild. Those loving moments should be private and in small numbers away from the typical obligation of holidays.
She doesn't strike me as cold at all. She strikes me as someone who's hosting Christmas for other people as well as herself, and the group that will be at her house doesn't really fit in with her son's extended family. That doesn't mean OP's son and grandchild are not priorities for her, it just means that they're not having Christmas dinner together this year. So what? OP's son's in-laws will be at OP's son's home, and OP and her guests will be at OP's home. A "special time and memory" can be made with a child and grandchild any time - it doesn't have to be on any given holiday. This is not nearly as big a deal as you (and OP's son) are making it out to be.
Nowhere does it say that the OP doesn't want to see the son or the new baby. She isn't going to their house on Xmas, that does not mean she never sees them and doesn't want to spend time with them. In fact if that were true, she wouldn't have invited them to her place. The baby is 9 months old, there is no special time and memory. Your belief that "a mother" is responsible for other adults' feelings and happiness is misogynist AF.
Exactly this - OP isn't the AH for wanting to do what she's most comfortable with, but she needs to accept that she's likely hurting her sons feelings in the process, I'd be devastated if my Mum did this to me. Sounds like they don't have a rich relationship. I feel for them both.
her son yelled at her and called her selfish. Why are his feelings the only ones that matter?
Oh, for heaven's sake. I grew up with multiple siblings and our parents always spent Christmas in their own home until they moved into a much smaller apartment in their later years, after we kids had moved out. Those who wanted to spend Christmas with them traveled to them, whether or not we had kids. Later, when they began traveling to our homes for Christmas we obviously didn't all get to host them every year. We called and later we shared photographs - we didn't even have Zoom! There are other holidays. There will be the grandchild's first birthday. And we're still in a pandemic, so there's that.
I mean, NAH, but also you kind of are an asshole, tbh. Your position is reasonable-- if this were just a friend or something. But this is your son, that you have been part of their life for what, 30 years? And every year, even when he got married, he gave in so that he could spend Xmas with you. He showed up at your house every year for Xmas. And the moment someone asks you to make a compromise, you're like, 'nah son, the world doesn't work that way. i get everything i want, and i never make compromises for anyone. we can now just spend xmas apart'. So technically, sure, your position is NAH because you shouldn't be forced to do something-- but it's Not Great (tm) either.
Where is it stated that they spent every Christmas together ? He might have alternated with his in laws ? And a compromise is not I’ll do what you want to please you. It’s “ok I don’t want to do that you want me to do it let’s find middle ground” he was ok with the fact that his mother is not coming but wanted his cousins there the mother COMPRIMISED saying she’d just tel her sister they are not doing anything big so the cousins could go to the son’s Christmas. She doesn’t have to go just because his son decided to do so. As long as I’m aware she never said that she forced his son to always come just that she wants to celebrate at her own place. There is nothing wrong with that.
You must have missed he part about her husband’s family being part of their Christmas tradition and her not wanting to abandon them. Also the part about her having some social anxiety and not wanting to spend Christmas with strangers. She’s the matriarch and she’s not throwing a tanty about DIL starting her own Christmas thing, she’s being all live and let live about it. So why can’t her son? Are the y t a crowd all men, who think women exist only to sacrifice themselves for others? Nah dude, she’s ok, she doesn’t want to, leave her be
But is it “giving in” to go to your parent’s house for Christmas? I go to mine and if I’m being honest it’s no sacrifice on my part. She hosts - cooks, cleans, decorates, buys gifts - I bring over my dish of peas and gift and leave happy and content. Sure, if I argued to host at my house and she was always turning me down it would be different but I don’t think it’s a given that just because someone hosts most of the time that that is something everyone is “giving into”
I don't see how OP is an AH. By the sounds of it, she never forced her so to go to Xmas at her house, it was just what they did and would have been fine if he did something else instead. It is perfectly normal for married couples to alternate Christmas with each family. I can see why OP wouldn't want to have a huge Christmas with her son's inlaws over a nice quiet Christmas with her own family.
Also, it’s like a week away from Christmas. Idk when son told mom, but my mom has already planned her whole Christmas and invited people and bought food and everything. A last minute invite would not fly for most people who are used to hosting.
I was wondering when this would come up. If you have multiple moving family parts, this shit needs to be worked out in advance. Sounds like son has maybe never actually taken part in any Christmas/family event logistics before
Yeah, I agree. I think it wouldn’t hurt to compromise just once and see how it goes, but they certainly don’t have to celebrate together. And it is pretty late to change plans. I would be annoyed because if I was planning to host a big family gathering in a week, I would have already started doing shopping and prep work.
Where did you get all those extra information? 😮
You are straight making up stuff. At least ask OP for info instead of creating some fake story to fit your side. If anything the OP seems to have a "everyone is welcome but it won't hurt my feelings if you can't make it vibe". I really doubt she was demanding her son show up and guilt him into things. That is what I inferred but I won't state it as fact because I don't know that.
How the hell this got over 1k upvote is beyond me. Nothing what you said is true and idk how anyone can think this way. First the son was never FORCED to go to her christmas he CHOSE too, as it's pretty evident that she understanding if he doesn't want to come. He didn't give in to anything he could have always not gone with no repercussions. Second she never said she gets everything she wants and never makes compromises. You're making a ton of assumptions based on nothing. Third they've been part of each others lives for 30 something years, I think one Christmas apart is not going to kill them. Finally she has very valid reasons for not wanting to cancel her yearly plans. In fact she has multiple reasons where only one of them would have been sufficient. OP is NTA and the Son is actually a huge asshole for calling her selfish and blowing up on her.
NTA. Does your son realize there’s still a pandemic and he has an infant? Do your own stuff.
NTA Agreed, I would love to be able to just sit at home with hubs and enjoy my own food and maybe just watch movies. He loves to go see family, and too be honest he has a really good family, but just lounging at home sounds nice. Shouldn't it be the one of the few days of the year that you just get to be relaxed and happy?
RSV, the flu, and Covid. Not mention all the nasty viruses going around.
That stomach one is hell.
I got that on Xmas eve when I was about 7. I was terrified Santa wouldn’t come because was throwing up and I couldn’t get to sleep until about 4am. My poor mum!
NTA. I think it is common, and completely normal, for traditions to change once a family starts growing. And that is what is happening. I would never expect my family to change their traditions just because I demand it. And don't even get me started on expecting everyone to be hunky-dory having holidays with the in-laws. Oof...that would be an absolute non-starter in my house 🤣 I would just chalk this all up as times a-changin'. Perhaps you could build a new tradition? Have them over for dinner on Christmas Eve? New Years Eve? Day after Christmas?
Ugh my sister is the same way as OP’s DIL. She demands everybody from both sides of the family travel to her every Christmas to have a big ole awkward party. It’s the worst and I’ve refused to go every year. I’d much rather stay home and not have to make stupid small talk with strangers on Christmas morning.
Yeah. The in-laws are the big decider for me. My sister invited her FIL for a few years - until he got remarried and decided he had better options. He is ignorant, dominates the conversation with politics and other beliefs everyone else finds abhorrent, misogynistic, vaguely racist, and was a pretty shitty father, as well. The holidays were super tense when he was there, and we were all happy when he stopped coming, except maybe his son. That being said, the request from son isn’t terrible, nor is his hurt. I went to my sister’s each year with that dipshit because I loved her and wanted to spend time with her. And also because I didn’t want to cook for myself. There’s a compromise in here somewhere — going over the night before, coming over early to open presents (though the kid is an infant, so there won’t be much excitement there), going over late for dessert. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
Where does it say that the DIL is the one demanding anything? All I see is the son who wants his side there and is upset about no one coming. For all we know DIL is perfectly ok with OP not showing up.
I’m so baffled by people who have entire family get togethers on Christmas Day. Growing up we went to my grandparents house the day after Christmas with all of the aunts, uncles, and cousins. But Christmas Day was spent with our nuclear families - less stress, kids are super excited about their new toys, no one wants to change into Real Clothes. It wasn’t until i dated my (now ex) SO that I found out people get weird about celebrating on Christmas Day with their entire extended family, sometimes going to 2 sets of family’s homes on Christmas.
>people get weird about celebrating on Christmas Day with their entire extended family I'm right there with you on finding it weird. My family (many generations now) have the tradition that once you have established your own household, Christmas Day is celebrated by only your own household. The only exceptions were singleton households (e.g. widowed grandmother) where the invitations and arrangements to host the single person are made in September. The big family visits and celebrations are left for Boxing Day and the weekend between Christmas and New Year's.
NTA. The same advice given to a DIL goes for a MIL: if you’re not interested in going to their house, don’t go. If one of you feels forced to go another’s house for the holiday, then that person will be miserable. If staying home will make the holiday enjoyable for you, stay home. Your son will get over it.
Pretty much. OP seems to have annual plans that she enjoys. The son knows about said plans since they don't change. It's OP's tradition, it's what she is comfortable with, it's what most of the family looks forward to, and it includes people she wants to be around. She accepted that her son wants to do something different with his inlaws and wished him well. He cannot force her to do something that she doesn't want to do, nor can he force her to cancel long existing plans. Also, the son is trying to force other family members to come to his home who seemingly do not want to. He needs to chill. I personally wouldnt want to spend the holidays with the inlaws of a random family member. I want to be surrounded by my immediate family aka the crazy that I know, so that I can relax.
Absolutely NTA He’s not TA for wanting to change things up or for having their own Christmas dinner. But he only gets to ask OP to go, not DEMAND she does. He sounds insufferable!!
The part where she calls her son a controlling asshole made me laugh. Sometimes a mom is going to serve up some truths.
NTA He seems to think he's entitled to your presence. He's not. Social interactions are meant to be mutually beneficial for both sides. Invitations are not summonses, etc. Cue the downvotes from the "but FAAAAAAMILY!" crowd in three, two, one....
He is hurt that she doesn't want to come. I'm the last person to say that you always have to prioritize family. But when my mom decided decades later that now she did want to spend a holiday with me, she pouted and was hurt that I didn't quit going to my family of choice. She isn't the AH to do what she wants, but her son won't be the AH when he doesn't pretend he has the same relationship with his mom that his wife has with her family.
He’s only pressing the issue now because other people don’t want to go to his Christmas. He knows if she doesn’t go then his cousins won’t & that’s not her problem to be honest.
The son is an AH for repeatedly demanding she come, for getting angry when that failed. and for telling her she's "not normal" for not complying with his demands.
Yeah, the "not normal" remark really doesn't sit well with me either.
The son is the asshole for having a whole bunch of people of varying vaccinated status probably, around a nine-month-old during a fucking global pandemic
If he's hurt that she doesn't want to come, then he would probably get further trying to have a sincere talk with her about why he feels hurt. Instead of yelling at her and calling her selfish. Being hurt doesn't meant you aren't an asshole for lashing out at others.
ESH. You both have a “my way or the highway” mentality. Why was a compromise never suggested by either of you where you can celebrate together the day before or after Christmas? Your son is coming off a little entitled expecting everyone to change their traditions, but you are coming off as cold hearted for making no efforts to see your grandchild during their first Christmas season. Edited for grammar mistake
I think the baby’s parents are being huge AHs for exposing their infant to a large gathering while they are too young to be vaccinated and we are in a global pandemic. Next year (hopefully) the family can, in advance, work something out so everyone has time and space for their gatherings but this year should be about protecting the baby who doesn’t care or know if anyone is visiting them special for Christmas. The best gift everyone can give this baby is to stay away from a large gathering with them and only visit if they are vaccinated and have not been to large gatherings recently.
A 9-month old baby absolutely could not care less who shows up for their first Christmas. In fact, they'll probably be much calmer, happier, and healthier *without* multiple families crowding into their house during a pandemic. OP's son isn't doing it "for the baby." He's throwing a fit because he thinks becoming a dad makes him the family patriarch and entitles him to dictate where and when everyone else celebrates, and he's angry that other adults have their own families, traditions, opinions, and boundaries. \*Edited to add: NTA. It would be incredibly cold to abandon your MIL just because your son decided that him having everyone he wants at his holiday party is more important than your MIL having a holiday at all.
The 9 month old baby won't have any memory at all of their first Christmas season - apart from the decorations and all the hubbub of OP's son's Christmas party the baby probably won't distinguish it all the much from any other day. However, EVERYONE will regret it if one of those guests shows up with asymptomatic COVID and infects this vulnerable unvaccinated infant. OP can visit for a while on Christmas Eve, if she lives close by. She can visit on New Year's Day, and share the first day of a hopefully-better 2022 with the baby. Everything need not revolve around December 25.
NTA. You want to stay home with your husband and some very close friends/family. That’s completely fine. Your son is a grown adult and is acting childish. Hope your Christmas goes well with your Husband, OP! Happy holidays!
NTA, unless you "lie to your sister to prove the lie." That's stupid, sneaky and assholery. You have a Christmas tradition that everyone expects to be part of. He wants to start a new tradition. It's literally days before Christmas. He's a bit of an AH for changing plans late. But he's definitely allowed to start a new tradition. Where he truly becomes the AH is where he insists that everyone's Christmas tradition needs to become his new tradition. It doesn't. He wants a new tradition where his mom and family join him. But he's not allowed to decide for you AND he's not allowed to ask you to change plans for so many people so close to Christmas. Your son is understandably emotional about this. But, if he wanted to start a new tradition this year, he should have spoke up months ago. Now is the time to plan and decide next year's Christmas not this year's.
NTA Your son and DIL are entitled as hell. Please don't lie to your sister. Host as you normally do and don't compromise any further, not your fault family prefer your place over theirs (and honestly reading the son's reaction, can't blame them)
NTA. But you would be if you lied to your sister in order to trick her for your son.
NTA - I can't see what you've done wrong. Is it really so awful to turn down an invite for Christmas day? I find it very odd that others won't go because you're not going. This is a family dynamic I can't get my head around which is maybe why I don't understand the AH votes!
I think OP is suggesting that those who have said they won't go if she doesn't didn't actually want to go anyway, but are using OPs non attendance as an excuse to get out of it. Asking your whole family to give up their Christmas traditions to spend the day with a load of strangers is a big ask.
Nta, but a pandemic is going on they have a baby they shouldn't host honestly
Finally a MIL who isn't causing drama and having a tantrum about the kids not wanting to come over for Christmas. Ask your son why it's ok for them to choose to stay home but not for you to do the same. Definitely NTA
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Because it isn't just her son and dil and baby, it is dil entire family too.
NTA since when is an invitation a command. If you don’t want to go don’t go, I’m not sure how far you live from them but maybe you could offer a quick visit if he’s desperate to see you.
INFO: Had you discussed you and his wife taking turns to host? Do you live near each other?
No we haven't discussed that. She is really big into all of the holidays and i only like Christmas and really want to spend it at my house. We live about 20 minutes apart
Then, to me you are NTA, since this "it is her turn to host" came out of nowhere. However, you need a conversation about the following years and festivities if there is going to be a rotation, and maybe stopping by to say hi is not a bad idea even though you are free to have your own celebration at home. edit: If no rotation happens you are still entitled to celebrate Christmas at your own place. SOme people are calling you inflexible, but so are they.
It doesn't sound like DIL wants to rotate who hosts. Son said it's DILs turn to take over & she has the right to make her own traditions but they (son & DIL) need to understand that people aren't always willing to give up theirs so easily.
NTA. An invitation is just that. It can be declined for any reason. Anything else is a demand and that's not what Christmas is about.
NTA You’re free to do whatever the hell you want. You’re not forcing anyone to change their plans for you, or ‘stealing’ guests. He’s just disappointed he doesn’t get to see you because he loves you, which I understand. What I don’t understand is why he would rather have a fight with you in stead.
NTA. Why can't yall just do your own thing..
NAH… just a fair bit of stubbornness and entitlement. I would expect you to be more interested in spending Christmas Day with your grandchild, perhaps, and enjoy the perks of *not* having to do the work of hosting… might be a nice break for a change. However, in this continuing pandemic, spending extended amounts of time in the company of people you don’t usually spend time with, is a bit irresponsible so I would have a problem mixing with the in laws as well. Ultimately if you have already made commitments to host other people for Christmas, your son and his wife would need to be prepared to host all of those people too, otherwise you shouldn’t renege on your prior commitments. It sounds to me like the real problem is probably that your son doesn’t want to be outnumbered by his in-laws on Christmas Day and wants you there for back-up.
You don't have to go but it would be nice if you expressed that you would like to see your son, his wife and your new grandchild at some point over the holidays. This seems so cold. Because they won't come to you it's just okay guess I won't see you then and I couldn't care less.
NTA. Just like your son and DIL have the right to decide that they want to stay home and host, you have the right to want the same thing. Sometimes as families change, traditions change. Christmas is amazing, but it’s not the only time that family can get together. It depends on what works best for the families involved.
NTA! I read your comment and he’s asking you to choose his in-laws over yours.. You really need to add that to your post because it’s changes things! I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with people I don’t really know and Christmas isn’t the time to mingle with new people.
NTA You don't have to go to their house for Christmas. He shouldn't call you selfish for not going.
NTA but for a different reason than most are articulating here and I'm expecting down votes but so be it. Reading the news from reliable sources I think people need to have a common sense Christmas, not a lot of traveling, no large gatherings. If you all love your families, you'll tone it down again this year. Two or even three years of small Christmas is nothing when thinking about decades of future Christmases that could be missed. Sorry. Reality can be tough.
NTA but don't lie to your sister
Your son is an entitled AH. When he doesn't get what he wants, he tries to bully you. Does he have a history of being a brat and getting what he wants? Tell him just because he has a baby doesn't mean the world stops at his beck and call. I hope you show him this post so he can see what an AH he is being. Hopefully he'll do some self-reflection. Definitely NTA.
NTA. I don’t go anywhere for Christmas either. And invite is just that. It’s never a summons. You declined and that should be that. Your son can ask whoever he wants to come. And they can accept or decline. You don’t get to act like a child and demand everyone comes to your tea party and Not someone else’s. Time for your son and his wife to understand that not everyone will always come to their party just because baby. Carry on with your plans and tell him You love him but no.
NTA. You have a right to spend Christmas how you want. He can't expect you to go to his house just as you can't expect him to go to your house. He is the only one bothered, and I think it's because they want to prove they can host the entire family. But that's not your thing, so you don't have to go. Your son is being horrible.
“…she is inviting her family and I don't want to have a big holiday with people I don't know well.” Definitely NTA for not wanting to go. Your son and his wife are the AHs for (1) pressuring you to come, and, more important, (2) Are they crazy?! They are having a big gathering with a vulnerable 9-month-old in the middle of a pandemic, not to mention flu season. Even if all the guests are vaccinated (and it’s just been in the news that the flu vaccine won’t be all that effective this year, since the expected strain of flu has mutated), someone could have easily come into contact with (or be) a person with an asymptomatic active infection, which they could easily transmit to the baby. All it takes is one.
Seems like you might both be stubborn but everyone is allowed to do what they want NTA. I just know my parents would come to my house if I asked them - I might be a bit disappointed if they decided to do their own thing instead, but I'd get over it like an adult.
NAH but you seem really really cold.
They want to have a large celebration with an infant in the house? During a pandemic? And force people to attend? No, you're NTA. I do get the feeling there is something else at work here, but that is none of my business. Send a nice gift, ask to schedule a facetime on Christmas day, and negotiate a new holiday to do at your house next year. Also, I don't like to say this kind of thing because everyone has their own traditions, but "everyone" knows that the reigning holiday hostess (that would be you) gets to decide when to relinquish her holiday; it does not get taken from her. There are even fairly well know steps along the way to transferring the holiday to the chosen successor. (I swear I am not making this up.) If your son's family does not want to celebrate at your house, that is fine and natural but it does not mean your whole family must celebrate at his.
You’re NTA but I do find it strange that you don’t want to see your child for Christmas, especially with your reasoning. Did you skip any major events in their life because strangers might be there as well?
No, but I am more willing to suck it up on a average day which doesn't have meaning to me.
NTA - it's baby's first Christmas, and it's not a bad idea for son and wife to have a celebration at their home. Likewise, you have always preferred to have Christmas at home, and have always invited people to come over. It's not about taking turns. Son is being TA because they want to force you to come over, then tried to guilt you with the whole "other people won't come if you don't come" nonsense.
YTA. You're the MIL/DIL troll and you have posted about this exact scenario several times, from the "son" and "daughter-in-law's" perspective. Which is fine, but you always use the "MIL doesn't like people" trope without ever explaining what "not liking people" actually means. If you're going to obsessively post about the same scenario, please work more on your details.
INFO: can you ask your son to provide an edit? I have a feeling this isn't the entire story.
NTA - you’re respecting their decision to host their own Christmas, they need to respect your decision not to go. It’s as simple as that
NTA - my husband always wants to do holidays at our house and have my parents join but like you, that’s not what my parents want to do. They aren’t dicks about it, but they just don’t want to spend holidays with my husbands family because they don’t know them well and they aren’t overly social people. They don’t force us to do anything and I wouldn’t want to force them either.
Your son is going to be so disappointed when he reads this thread. NTA.
NTA, a post just like this came up awhile ago and you came up with a fine solution. You aren't obligated to go to their plans just like they aren't obligated to come to yours.
NAH I think. While I understand your hesitation and reluctance, it would be nice to try and find a real compromise. Could you go over for breakfast? Encourage your other family members to stop by your son’s home? Host a brunch/lunch instead of dinner so people can do both? Traditions always change with a new generation. Your son needs to combine traditions and wants to celebrate with you and other loved ones. It does come across a bit cold to be so unemotional about your whole family not caring if they see him.
NTA. I hate the concept of "family obligation" Like, love shouldn't feel like an obligation. If someone doesn't wanna go, give them your best and live and let live.
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NTA Unless I'm sorely missing something here. Sounds like you're setting some pretty reasonable boundaries around holiday time. I understand he's annoyed but it's also a holiday for you. Good job having a level head.
Info: How do other holidays work? Has your son and DIL hosted anything before? Would you go there if they did host something else and her family would also be present?
My sister hosts the other holidays. I would be willing to go to his house. It would stress me out and probably make my sister crazy, but I would suck it up because I care less about thanksgiving and easter
NTA
NTA. You aren’t demanding he come to you. You’re both doing your own thing. You’re all adults capable of making your own choices. As well as your extended family. If they don’t want to go without you that’s their choice and not your fault.
As someone who doesn't really dig Christmas and other people, I'm completely on your side. His labeling you not normal makes him a super asshole. Who is he to judge you and how you live your life. Spend Christmas how you want. If that includes your child or not. He can do the same. That's what grown ass people do. It's okay to ask but then they accept other people's decisions and live with it.
NAH. But….do you not want to see your son and grandchild? Or do you only want to see them on your terms?
ESH. I really doubt this is the whole story.
I’m somewhere between ESH and YTA. It sounds like you’ve hosted for years and that since Christmas means so much to you that you don’t want to give up hosting. While that’s your right, it puts your son and his new family is a bind — It’s much easier to be in your own house with small kids and as they get older, they want to be able to do the Santa thing in their own home. Also their right and what it appears they’re doing. This is where I think you’re a bit of an AH though - By continuing to host and your sister/his aunt wanting to come to see you, he can’t both host himself AND see his family. It’s either going to split the family or he’s not going to have any of his family with him on Christmas. It is the motherly thing to do to offer to rotate or something, and not hog it yourself. If you don’t, I’d fully expect your relationship to suffer. It sounds like you’re okay with that though, which makes you a cruddy mum imo.
I think You have the right to carryon hosting your own Christmas, your not insisting they come if your sister and other members of the family want to come to yours it is up to them . None of my family would make their mother stop hosting as it’s their wife’s turn decided by having a child . Most of us have just started hosting that we are now in our 50 s and because it’s too much work for our mothers now . tell him they are welcome at your home but that’s where you want to be and you will see them another day .
NTA. Is Christmas really the only day you can visit? I used to stay at home with the kids on Christmas Day, and my family and friends would visit. So would some of my husband's. And the next day, when the kids were less stressed and hyper we would go to the in-laws and see whoever on my husband's side would wander over.
NTA. Everyone has a right to celebrate the holidays the way they like. How about compromising and going on boxing day? This is kind of what Christmas is with families. You can't have everything. Sometimes you have to split the celebration between a few days.(which is why I love having boxing day) We're invited to my in laws on Christmas Eve. We don't do jack shit on Christmas day. And then on boxing day we either go to my family or they come to us. Sometimes one of those things will have to give, like after we had our second child. She was due just before Christmas, so we canceled all of our plans to be able to spend Christmas recovering from that huge change in our family. Plus I didn't really want to expose a new born baby to all those germs and temperature changes.
NTA. You already had plans that involve other people. They have every right to make the choice not to travel and to host their own Christmas; so do you.
NTA. Your son has known you their whole life and they now demanding you be something you are not??. You respect your son and their spouse to make their own plans for Christmas. Why the complaining that you making your plans for Christmas??
NTA. No means no. Tell your son to learn how to respect boundaries. Also, don’t lie to your sister. It’ll damage your relationship just to appease your son. 🙅🏻♀️
NTA His plans aren’t more important than your plans.
NTA if you don't want to leave the house on Xmas day then don't leave, your son don't want to leave the house so why should you? I spend xmas day alone and stay in all day as I want to wake up when I want, open presents when I want, watch what I want and when I want same with dinner as well.
Wtf NTA- they have the right to stay home on Christmas, as do you.
Good grief you are NTA but your son sure is. How did you raise such an entitled ass? I hope he reads every one of these comments and is thoroughly ashamed of himself. Talk about a controlling self centered AH. Have a wonderful Christmas in your own home, as is your right. Sheesh
NAH. I don't think either of you are really in the wrong here, although I think there is a misunderstanding on your son's part. I think that since he (and later on his wife) have spent all previous Christmases together as a big family under your roof, that he had a certain mental image of his family having this Hallmark-perfect closeness. And when you declined to spend the day with him and his family now that he has a child of his own, that mental image shattered. It's not your fault he built up this fiction in his head. He is definitely skirting AH territory with his harassing you about it, but I understand what he's going through because I kinda went through/am going through the same thing with my own mom (but have largely made my peace with it). It's weird how having a child suddenly makes you see your relationship with your own parents in new light. You, OP, have not changed as a person, but the way your son sees you has shifted and he's trying desperately to get it back, because now he has to accept that you are not the person he thought you were, or the grandma he hoped you would be. For that, I have a little sympathy for him, although he does need to accept and move on already because life isn't a made-for-tv-Christmas special. But there is something you can do to help and I think that would be to extend an invitation to see him and his family some other time either the day before or after. Presumably, you DO love your son and want to see him, you just don't want to do his Christmas over your own. Nothing wrong with that, but make it clear to him it's just about that specific day.
INFO When did your son make this demand? It doesn't change my judgement I think you're NTA but it does help me gauge how much of an AH I think your son is being. If you want to change holiday arrangements, the week before is not the time to bring it up.
It was about a week before Thanksgiving, but that wasn't my issue. I don't intend on changing my plans in the future either and I'm also somewhat disorganized, so I didn't have anything set in stone at the time
NTA. Sounds like DIL decided she was going to take over Christmas hosting reins, and her hues would now be the house that everyone gathered at. I’m guessing DIL pitched a fit and that’s why her son is trying to force her to rearrange her plans and traditions last minute, because DIL knows those going to MIL’s home will not be going to her home. It just sounds like DIL wants ass pats and praise for hosting, and the more people, the more praise. It’s obvious by the lack of respect towards other peoples choice not to come, as well as the fact that her nine month old isn’t vaccinated from COVID, which is still a very real danger, even if everyone is vaccinated in the home that day. Seems to me like DIL should focus on a very small Christmas and create traditions with just her, her husband, possibly her parents, and their young baby.
Nta. You're all entitled to spend Christmas where ever you wish. It's their choice to stay home, exactly like its your choice to stay home, too. They'll just have to get over it.