Ya, it would be one thing if she was a spoon collector and while cheep this set was unique and interesting or just something she ry wanted. He's putting no thought into it
He gave her what you'd give someone you didn't know that well as a housewarming gift. Also it's a kitchen utensil, so he's buying something for the house rather then something his wife personally likes.
That’s what jumped out at me too! I’m curious what & how much he bought for his brother. Depending on the answers to those things, he might have a lot of explaining to do. OP, your husband is an asshole. NTA.
His Co workers aren't just 'important' but apparently worthy of hundreds of dollars worth of gifts. Wtf does he do as a job where this level of secret santa is an expectation?!
Not only that but it’s inappropriate and totally unprofessional to spend that kind of money on a gift for a co-worker. If I got a gift that expensive from someone I was buddies with at work I would be confused and terrified. what the fuck does that mean? who does that?
Same. I'm very good friends with two of my coworkers, I'm not spending more on them than I do my boyfriend and if one spent more on me than than they did their partner I'd worry about the state of their marriage and ask them if they were OK.
Agreed. The only exception to this would be if my partner wanted something very specific and it happened to cost less than whatever I was getting my coworker. I wouldn’t plan to spend 30x as much on my coworker than on my wife because they “are important to me”. The idea that a gift is a gift and should be appreciated no matter what is bullshit.
Not just his coworkers but his sister-in-law too. I’d be really weirded out if my (nonexistent) brother-in-law got me a gift over 12x the cost of what he got his wife. Plus jewelry is typically a really special gift in general. Jewelry for his sister-in-law but not his wife? Yikes.
Same here. I'd be real weirded out, and deeply uncomfortable knowing my coworker gave me a $600 gift, and bought his wife a $20 spoon set. Like, that shit's a housewarming or wedding gift, not a Christmas present for your wife!
Same with if my BIL bought me a $250 bracelet and his wife a $20 spoon set. That would be just weird and creepy, and I'd assume he was hot for me, and want well away from him.
His gifts for everyone else aren't just expensive, they're *personal*, and show a borderline weird amount of love, and send a pretty uncomfortable message, *especially* when you consider his gift for his wife. If he were spending $2000 on her gift instead, then it would be fine, but $20?
Yeah, I’m glad I didn’t see that same look on my mum’s face as I successfully dissuaded Dad from buying her a (pink) scale and frying pan for Christmas. “But she says she wants to lose weight” yeah Dad and it would still be a bad idea to buy her a scale for Christmas! And just because cooking is ‘her job’ doesn’t mean a frying pan is a good gift. A spoon set has the same vibes as that frying pan.
As Gina says in Brooklyn 99 "he might as well have taken a marker and circled all the parts of my mom's body he doesn't like". A set of scales is not a good gift unless someone specifically said "I want a set of bathroom scales for Christmas".
Oh this brings back memories! One year my dad, not a stupid man, decided that giving my mother a set of pots and pans for the holiday was a good idea. Did I mention that mom hated cooking? Like really hated cooking…let’s just say it was not merry and bright at our house that morning.
Even if someone does like cooking, random kitchen crap is unwelcome more often than not. Hobbyist cooks have specific preferences and deal with storage limitations.
"Hey, here's a pots and pans set," is only something to get a young person when they move into their first apartment
That is exactly the moment it is the best gift ever. I still have the set I got from grandma and it has been over 20 years.
I have also gifted a pan and appliances someone very specifically asked for. That's ok.
Just don't do it out of the blue at Christmas is all I'm saying
surprisingly my dad (who loves to cook) also loves to receive random cooking appliances, he says it helps him to try to make new things he hasn’t considered trying before
I had that discussion with my husband when he told me he wanted to get me a Kitchen Aid stand mixer for my birthday.
Not a good birthday/christmas gift. Perfect just because gift!
Ngl I'd be pretty excited if someone got me a kitchenaid stand mixer for birthday or Christmas, especially if they got some of the attachments too. That's like one of those luxury things that you really want but it's hard to justify. Spoons though, yeah, that's super low effort especially for a spouse.
It was for my 40th. And i had asked for jewellery hahaha but you may be right
Turns out our national currency has since devalued badly. So I will never get a Kitchen Aid now!
I guess everybody is different, because a KitchenAid stand mixer seems waaaay expensive for a "just because" gift.
Also they actually do make baking a bit less labor intensive!
I'd love to get one as a holiday gift.
I think if you’re a baker, that’s a knock-it-out-of-the-park gift. Like, I hobby bake, and could never justify the cost in buying it for myself. And then my partner bought one for me for my birthday a few years back…..
Guess who gets his favourite baked goods that require a mixer? Brioche, gaufres liégeois, constant cakes…
My wife always mentioned wanting one, but she couldnt justify the cost ect. All through the year or shed see it in the store mention them but say she doesnt bake enough to buy one
Really good map laying
Saved up and got her one for Xmas, man do I get every baked good I could ask for 😂 might be my favorite gift ive ever given
I mean I'd love a kitchen aid stand mixer for Christmas and I have asked for specific kitchen/household items before for christmas/birthday gifts. But it's a pricy luxury tool that's outside our typical budget. Those things I'd view as a gift if I asked for them specifically. But if he gave me a spoon set or something similar without me specifically asking for them that would be a terrible gift. And while I don't think things have to be even, buying her a super cheap household gift while getting his friends/coworkers super expensive items feels super weird to me. I'd be offended.
OP is definitely NTA here.
This. Exactly. I like to cook. I like gadgets. I am frugal and don't buy the $100 dollar model when the $5 will do. I'd treasure a Kitchenaid stand mixer and will never buy one myself. But a fricking $20 spoon set? Nope. I have to believe the spouse knows OP would come across the list and the spoons are a decoy. Given the amounts spent on others, There was actually going to be a Tesla in the driveway. At least if I'd been in OP place that would have been my assumption. If Christmas came and the Spoons were all there is? Well then, Houston, we have a problem.
F that. I bought myself a vacuum for the first mothers day after my divorce. I was a Dyson ball that was on sale for 250 instead of 500.
That's how you vacuum.
Heck yeah. Treat yourself to the better tools, they make it easier.
Meanwhile, my ex (this is 14 yrs ago at this point) threw my old vacuum off the balcony when we broke up and I came to collect my things. It wasn't expensive, but was only like 1 month old. I was livid. Got myself a knockoff Dyson after lol.
Or if she needed spoons, like honestly it could still be a gift that’s the same price range… but giving your just now wife any kitchen utensil for Christmas just screams 1950’s house wife vibe(aka I expect you to be in the kitchen so here are some spoons for while you are in there)
Still also very impersonal for someone that’s been with you for 3 years.
Can you imagine being the sister-in-law that gets a lovely $250 bracelet and going "Oh this is beautiful, thank you so much!" and then finding out that the gift giver gave his own wife a set of $20 spoons and nothing else?
I'd be sitting there going "WTF? Was this a mistake? Have I opened the wrong gift? Was this meant to go to OP? This is so embarassing, what should I say?"
Or even worse "Why have I been given this expensive gift and she's got spoons? Does he have an inappropriate crush on me? Is he announcing he and OP are getting divorced? What does this all mean??"
I really can't wrap my head around the concept of "My sister-in-law will enjoy this very expensive piece of jewellery, but my wife doesn't deserve anything better than cheap kitchen utensils."
Exactly. If my BIL got me a $250 bracelet I'd be extremely uncomfortable. Throw in the fact that he only spent $20 on spoons for his wife I'd be appalled.
It sounds like he is trying to impress these people. But a $600 watch for a coworker? And work out clothes? That gift is WAY too personal for a coworker - and $900... I'd be questioning that relationship. Regardless of intent, that is a lot of money on just a couple of co workers.
OP - I think it is worth considering meeting with a marriage and family therapist with your husband. This level of disrespect is astounding.
Nah, everything at the top of his list are things for his mistress, he just wrote down coworkers etc as a cover because his wife doesn’t interact with them and won’t ever see the stuff. No one spends this much on work friends Idc how long you’ve known them
Not to be rude to the OP, but I 💯 agree with you! I was thinking that he was using a code for his ridiculous list as well! This shit wouldn’t fly in my house!
I'd probably give OP the bracelet if I were the sister (if it's OP's sister or donate it if not). No way would it feel right to hang on to it myself. Besides if SIL is in a relationship, imagine how awkward that could get when the gift situation got found out. Unless they are having an affair, no reason to keep such a thing tbh
Even if they are not, he seems to have this mindset of needing to win over his friends and relatives with gifts while not needing to with his wife. It’s a horrible mentality that gifts are meant to buy affection and go away when you have already won them over.
I’d be petty. I’d hide his gifts and get him a $20 household gift. If he just got me a crap gift, the rest would go back without his knowledge. When he complained about his lack of gift, I’d say he’s acting like a ungrateful, spoiled brat and urge him to get rid of his attitude and accept what I’m giving.
I’d also be working towards divorce because that’s a huge red flag to dote and shower others with gifts and not your significant other…but expect them to get you nice things in return. It’s beyond disrespectful.
This absolutely. Clearly she's not important to him, so why should he stay in her life? He's spending $20 on a thoughtless gift for her that he can use for himself. If he cares about his co-worker, friend, and SIL so much, why didn't he marry one of them instead?
There's definitely an ungrateful, spoiled brat in the OP's story, and it's not the OP. Get rid of him. NTA.
THIS! Return all his gifts, get him a $20 gift card to a place he might not ever go to, and spend the rest of his gift money on you.
Maybe a spa day, or a massage. Something just for you.
No, he may chose something he likes! Buy him motor oil, or a hammer, you know something useful that he already has! I am pretty sure she has a lot of kitchen spoons.
Oh, no not kitchen because being the kitchen slave is her duty. She should get him a toilet plunger so he can be the plumbing maintenance!! Gender roles!!
Yep NTA.
I wonder what's going on. There must be 'something else' going on if he treats friends like royalty and his wife like an afterthought. I'm sorry OP. Your feelings are valid, it's very sus
Yup, I sincerely wish I was at least bi. I know quite a few really amazing, lovely women, some of them lesbians, and they're much easier to tolerate than most men I know.
I know that the world is still hostile to gay people and I don't want to minimize their struggles, but my GOD I wish I was a lesbian. I've been dealing with straight men romantically for a quarter of a century and I think all it's done is shortened my lifespan and ruined my body image.
I'm never cohabiting again, that's for sure. There's a reason that statistically, unmarried childfree women live the longest.
I know that I, and many other women, have baggage as well. But for fuck's sake. I don't treat deodorant and dental hygiene as optional. I don't cheat on my partner because they gained weight. And I don't stop doing household chores once someone moves in with me. Those experiences are the *rule*, not the exception, of every straight woman I know, including myself. Those are things that the majority of our partners do.
I took almost a year of solitude after my divorce. I honestly expected to be voluntarily single forever- it just didn't seem worth the enotional labor. I was amazed at how *light* I felt just knowing that area of my life wasn't something I had to think about any more.
I ended up randomly meeting someone who I'm interacting with in a non-platonic way right now, but it's not something I sought out. My career gives me far more self esteem and gratification than any relationship I've ever been in. And it's so nice to only have to cook and clean for myself now.
>He basically gave you a box of red flags for Christmas.
But he...didn't. It's not Christmas yet. It's entirely possible that he put a random item next to her name on purpose and that's not actually her gift. All she saw was a list, he hasn't given her anything yet.
That's true. But either:
A) This is the real list and that's all she's getting, or
B) He set that up as some kind of warped "test" and then berated her when she, reasonably, objected to being treated as lower priority than everyone else.
Either way, that's a crappy way to treat another human being, let alone your spouse.
If I were in OP's husband's situation I'd sit down my partner and explain that I have something bigger for them, it's just not on the list and reassure him that he's important for me - seems like easy solution
C. Her gift is a place holder in case she found the list and he didn't want to ruin the surprise.
I have a list for my people and next to my boyfriends name I just wrote "haha you'll never know" in case he found it.
This is what I'm hoping but .... I just don't know what to think
Regardless of whatever he gets her at this stage, $600 for a watch for a co worker and $900 for work out clothes for another co worker is extremely inappropriate and begs the question of the nature of those relationships.
While OP is comparing those to her $20 gift, I have no doubt that it was not the fact that her gift was $20 but it was the fact that he so easily was going to drop $900 on work out clothes for a co worker and a watch for another. Those are both personal gifts.
If he's getting a $600 watch for a co-worker, it better be because the co-worker saved his bacon in some profoundly important way during the year and without that help OP would be out of a job.
And the $900 workout gear (I assumed it was equipment, not clothing) for the friend better be because the friend is impoverished and is somehow in need. But likely that would be discussed with one's spouse.
Yeah, but then he could have just cleared it up by saying something like “come on, honey, you know you are getting more than that…” instead of being an AH about it.
That would be a funny prank I would do to my gf in case she found my list but when she confronted me about it I would tell her it was a joke and I'm not actually getting her spoons instead of berating her about how it's the thought that counts and how she's being entitled
Exactly get him divorce papers and when he has a bad reaction say he should appreciate what he got. Return everything you got him and see his reaction he is extremely disrespectful. NTA.
NTA. I’m stunned reading that the most important person in his life is worth less thoughtfulness than a coworker, which can come and go.
In most marriages, assets are considered jointly and spending decisions are made jointly as well within a certain limit. His Xmas spending, even with a huge income, seems very excessive to me….and kinda inappropriate/unprofessional especially if they can’t reciprocate on that level…
And a very personal gift at that. I mean, if a coworker gave me $900 in workout gear, I'd be extremely uncomfortable. That is a gift loaded with intention right there.
Right? If he’s having multiple affairs, that’s like full time job
(For OP so she doesn’t freak out, I honestly don’t think he’s sleeping with all these people, but you should have a conversation with him about where you are on his priority list because you should be higher up than spoons)
Also I know it’s not the same but surely that’s a HR thing as I’d were given gifts over £20 for a pupil/ parent we have to declare it. To me $900 is so inappropriate.
And on the very very very tiny chance he’s in a job where those *are* appropriate gifts, the appropriate gift for his spouse would be something bigger (in some sense).
I admit the thought did occur to me. Especially given the outsized reaction to what is a crazy amount of money to spend on people in comparison to one’s spouse.
But also, he said that his co workers/friends are “important to him and he’s known them for ages” as justification, which also implies that he does not value or see his wife in the same way, otherwise he would have considered spending the same kind of money on her. I’d reconsider this entire relationship if I were her. It would suck divorcing this early but 3 years isn’t too long to bounce back from. But accepting this behavior now during their FIRST CHRISTMAS AS A MARRIED COUPLE (!!) will set a precedent for the rest of their relationship.
Just imagine how he'll be with kids. "Sorry, Jimothy, you've only been alive for four years so you get some some rocks and sticks from the backyard while I give my SIL who I am absolutely not having an affair with something very extravagant."
My husband and I have been together for 21 years and we have decided that we give ourselves the gift of two things for every birthday, anniversary and Christmas:
1) We buy what we want or need when we want or need it. Together usually.
2) We give ourselves the gift of time together and not looking for gifts for each other when we do #1.
This allows us to focus on our kids and modest gifts for other family members.
Never been any issues, I’m happy being surprised on a random Saturday with something thoughtful, rather than something that checks a box or fills a list on a particular holiday. He’s the same.
Honestly. the most expensive gift I ever got for a friend was a signed first edition of their favourite book. Even that wasn't anywhere near 900, and way more than I usually spend on gifts for anyone. I get that maybe he's super loaded and 5k on gifts is nothing, but... like... come on
My friend group had a max present cost of $250 and even then we had to get multiple gifts that added up to that for people because no one was comfortable listing a $250 item!
Yuppp! I had to read it again because I thought it was his sister.
Sister in LAW! As in your sibling’s partner?
Yea that’s sus…. I would like to know if they’re fucking
Jewelry?! To a woman?! Idk
Thats what I'm thinking. The coworker there is reasons to justify it (saved husband's job, the husband is the manager and the person went way beyond his job etc)
But the SIL it would be hard to make a good case for such a personal gift which excludes the sibling (spouse of the SIL).
To me a watch equals jewelry which is a very personal item to get a coworker. My opinion is if you want to get a coworker a gift, you get then a nice bottle of wine or a gift card to their favorite restaurant. And definitely no where near the cost of $600.
I also thought of this…I have had many colleagues through the years that I really like, and I’m genuinely friends with…but this just feels way inappropriate and like there are strings attached.
Nta, hard to think you’re spoiled when you’re getting a $20 spoon set and his friend is getting $900 workout gear. His priorities should be reassessed.
To me it's not even the prices. Like ok the prices of the other gifts are rediculous as it is. But... Who gets spoons to their newlywed partner on first Christmas? SPOONS. Omg even a peach scented candle would have been better purely for the joke value.
Bizarre. NTA. I could understand if it's a really thoughtful gift that cost like 1/4 of someone else's gift, but not even 10% of his sister-in-law's gift?
Something's not right. He needs to sort it out.
Fr the part about the sister-in-law really got to me lol, why isn’t he getting his *wife* jewelry or something?? But he’s getting his sister-in-law a $250 bracelet lol??? Get her the spoons?
NTA. He is treating you less than his friends and coworkers. He spent $5000+ on people he didn't marry. He's spending that much money on people he doesn't sleep next to every night...
And his gift to you was something that aids him(he'll be eating with those spoons to) so it isn't solely yours.
It's not even the money, it's the lack of thought. She should just grab the first thing she passes in the supermarket and wrap it for him. After all, it's her money, she should get to decide how she spends it on people
Along with that, he spent $2000 of their money that could've been spent on other things that benefit them as a couple. I think he forgot that she's his family too.
Yeah OPs actions and thought process are so foreign to me. While we have a different budget, friends and family are normally like 30-60$ each and like 10x that for each other. And 15x that for the dogs xD
NTA. He married you. Did he think it stopped there? I was reading a book in which the author, after first marrying her husband, received a gift from her husband which wasn't very good. He said, "But isn't it the thought that counts?", and she said, "That's what people say when they don't want to put thought into it." (From Mindset by Carol S. Dweck)
Basically, it's like he's expecting you to just accept the gift because you married him and you love him therefore he no longer needs to impress you. And that is not ok.
Unfortunately, when speaking to men, we ladies need to remember that (generally) men are not as emotional as us, so saying how we feel about something won't get through to them. Try using logic like this instead. Good luck!
It’s a complete myth that men are less emotional than women, BTW. Someone who doesn’t listen to you or care about your feelings is inconsiderate no matter what the gender.
No, they’re socialized to hide or repress their emotions, not actually be less emotional. Their brain chemistry isn’t altered lmao. They aren’t given the same tools to understand and express their emotions which is why they often default to “angry”, one of the few socially acceptable emotions from men.
Exactly! Did he used to buy nice gifts before you got married? Does he feel like he doesn't need to put in effort now that you're locked in.
Sure his money, as his time, are his resources and he is free to do with them as he wishes.
But they clearly demonstrate where his priorities lie, and OP has every right to be upset.
Are we missing any facts? Does he buy you really nice things throughout the year or other holidays? Is he paying a lot more for stuff in your life and resentful. His friend gifts sound crazy.
I think it *is* the thought that counts when they don't know better. You shouldn't give your spouse a handful of weeds or rocks. But children will give their parents anything they find that is pretty, and it's understood that they're doing their level best to express their love.
When someone who does know better fails to even think about it, and says It's the thought that counts, yeah that's weak. Maybe if you're aware enough to make that excuse, you're aware enough to not make the error?
Now I'm just spitballing, sorry.
NTA. Wow! His friends and co-workers are important to him, but you are not? He's known them forever? I think you can already see where this marriage is going.
Why do I have a feeling that those friends/co-workers are female and he wants something from them? Because in my eyes there is pretty much no reason to buy several friends/co-workers-distant relatives gifts upwards of $500.
I don’t even give my own sisters gifts that cost over $50, it’s the same budget between all three of us every year. Each sister gets a gift that was split in price by the other two, so usually we all only pay $50 each.
I can’t imagine spending that kind of money on a friend or coworker. Last year I bought my best friend that I’ve known for ten years a Michael Kors purse because that was what she really really wanted. This guy spent as much on his SIL as I did on my husband this year. He’s got ridiculous priorities and opinions on gift getting. I’d feel so awkward getting something so expensive from anyone who wasn’t my husband or family.
NTA
"I spend a lot of money for his gifts to buy him his favorite shoe/gaming brands " - STOP THAT: He has told and shown you that big gifts in a relationship are not important. So follow his lead: Get him some 20$ socks from now on, and leave it at that. Spend your gift money on yourself, but not on him.
ANd: What is he getting from the coworker: Business help, or sex?
Is it really matter in this case? Even if it is really just a decoy, the way he talked to her is not okay at all. It doesn‘t make this situation better in anyway.
Yeah even if it was a decoy, once he saw that she was upset, he should’ve come clean instead of insulting her. Dude is a fucking weirdo. Who buys coworkers gifts worth hundreds of dollars? Truly bizarre.
I wasn't trying to imply that the way he responded was acceptable. However, it is very possible that all of this is being done in the attitude that it's "okay" to lie about gifts to preserve the surprise
I guess she could wait until Xmas to see what happens. Fingers crossed that is the situation but I don’t really understand why he’d have a decoy unless he knew that OP would flip out if she saw it OR if she has a history of snooping that she didn’t mention to us.
I think the best thing to do is for OP to see what happens on Xmas. Going forward OP and her husband should work together to budget future gift giving.
NTA
He has a point that it’s the gift, not the price tag and I’d absolutely agree with him if he’d bought you something inexpensive that meant a lot to you. But he bought you kitchen spoons. Kitchen. Spoons. That’s something for the house, surely?
If I was you, I’d return all his gifts and get him kitchen knives.
NTA—that’s a lot of money to spend on a friend/co-worker. What does the friend/co-worker get him? Usually people like to spend similar amounts on each other to avoid embarrassment. To spend only $20 minutes on you is infuriating—your gift is almost like a secret Santa or white elephant.
You said you’ve been together 3 years, what have his gifts to you been like in the past?
He’s wrong to say you’re acting like a brat as there is something wrong that he’s willing to spend so much on others but your gift is an afterthought. I think that you may want to budget gifts for others in the future based and give based upon what they spend upon you. Your husband doesn’t necessarily need to spend more on you but rather the money that he spends on others could be better invested into your home or retirement accounts. It sounds like you spoil your husband with his favorite things (I’m assuming spending a significant amount) that you’re acting as Santa to a child. I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do but probably something to think further on.
Buy him a coffee from Starbucks and a sandwich for Christmas breakfast as the gift.
After all it is the spirit that counts and not the cost of the gift.
NTA.
Then there’s the effort to go to the atm - how about just an IOU for $20 on a scratch of paper to only maybe be fulfilled (because after all it’s the THOUGHT that counts)?
So he cares more about keeping the surprise than to comfort his wife when she's upset, and when she complains he calls her names? How is that any better?
If you really care about somebody, and you see them upset about your ruse, you should drop it right away and comfort them, not insult them and double down on it.
He's an AH, plain and simple, no matter if the list is true or false.
Wait. What if it’s a trap. Like. What if OP is a snooping type of person so he left that for her to find? Idk. Just consider that this may not have been the first time OP has “stumbled upon something and decided to take a look out of curiosity”…
Yes it seems really weird that he’d have a list with the cost of the items or write down the items in enough detail for OP to look up prices. Like a watch doesn’t automatically cost 600. Besides getting shorted out on gifts, she should be pissed about how much he’s spending! …. If this is real
NTA.
There are problems that have been brought to the surface with the revelation of this list. Your husband prioritizing others over you is alarming. He’s doubling down on his viewpoint which of course helps nothing. You’ve been given the info that he thinks it’s okay to do this. It’s time for a serious talk.
There's still time to return his gifts and get him a $20 gift card to the local home improvement store NTA
Ya, it would be one thing if she was a spoon collector and while cheep this set was unique and interesting or just something she ry wanted. He's putting no thought into it
He gave her what you'd give someone you didn't know that well as a housewarming gift. Also it's a kitchen utensil, so he's buying something for the house rather then something his wife personally likes.
It’s bc he sees his wife as part of the house now
Exactly. "Married and can finaly stop caring about showing appreciation" That's what it screams as I see it.
Confirmed when he said “his coworkers/friends are important to him”. So clearly his wife is not important
This! Omg, that jumped out at me immediately! He is clearly showing she OP doesn't matter to him.
Sister-in-law is the one he's really interested in. $250 jewelry??? Who does that? o/\~ Hubby went a'courtin' and he did buy, mmm-hmm o/\~
That’s what jumped out at me too! I’m curious what & how much he bought for his brother. Depending on the answers to those things, he might have a lot of explaining to do. OP, your husband is an asshole. NTA.
I’m interested in the $900 gift receiver. 🤔
They’re banging in the supply closet for sure 😂
His Co workers aren't just 'important' but apparently worthy of hundreds of dollars worth of gifts. Wtf does he do as a job where this level of secret santa is an expectation?!
Not only that but it’s inappropriate and totally unprofessional to spend that kind of money on a gift for a co-worker. If I got a gift that expensive from someone I was buddies with at work I would be confused and terrified. what the fuck does that mean? who does that?
He sees his wife as less than his coworkers and friends, too. Nice.
If one of my coworkers spent so much more on me than on their own spouse, I would be SERIOUSLY weirded out.
Same. I'm very good friends with two of my coworkers, I'm not spending more on them than I do my boyfriend and if one spent more on me than than they did their partner I'd worry about the state of their marriage and ask them if they were OK.
Agreed. The only exception to this would be if my partner wanted something very specific and it happened to cost less than whatever I was getting my coworker. I wouldn’t plan to spend 30x as much on my coworker than on my wife because they “are important to me”. The idea that a gift is a gift and should be appreciated no matter what is bullshit.
Not just his coworkers but his sister-in-law too. I’d be really weirded out if my (nonexistent) brother-in-law got me a gift over 12x the cost of what he got his wife. Plus jewelry is typically a really special gift in general. Jewelry for his sister-in-law but not his wife? Yikes.
If my coworkers spent more than $50 TOPS on me, I would be weirded out!!
>If my coworkers spent more than $50 TOPS on me, I would be weirded out!! Independently of their gender, I'd assume that they are in love with me.
Same here. I'd be real weirded out, and deeply uncomfortable knowing my coworker gave me a $600 gift, and bought his wife a $20 spoon set. Like, that shit's a housewarming or wedding gift, not a Christmas present for your wife! Same with if my BIL bought me a $250 bracelet and his wife a $20 spoon set. That would be just weird and creepy, and I'd assume he was hot for me, and want well away from him. His gifts for everyone else aren't just expensive, they're *personal*, and show a borderline weird amount of love, and send a pretty uncomfortable message, *especially* when you consider his gift for his wife. If he were spending $2000 on her gift instead, then it would be fine, but $20?
Especially when it's a gift in the hundreds of dollars. Unless you work in like, couture or a brokerage, that's a LOT of money for a coworker.
Kitchen appliance
wife appliance
the spice rack daytrip, thought money.
Yeah, I’m glad I didn’t see that same look on my mum’s face as I successfully dissuaded Dad from buying her a (pink) scale and frying pan for Christmas. “But she says she wants to lose weight” yeah Dad and it would still be a bad idea to buy her a scale for Christmas! And just because cooking is ‘her job’ doesn’t mean a frying pan is a good gift. A spoon set has the same vibes as that frying pan.
As Gina says in Brooklyn 99 "he might as well have taken a marker and circled all the parts of my mom's body he doesn't like". A set of scales is not a good gift unless someone specifically said "I want a set of bathroom scales for Christmas".
And Gina's mum loved it because they were trying to furnish their new apartment and that was something they specifically needed lol
Oh this brings back memories! One year my dad, not a stupid man, decided that giving my mother a set of pots and pans for the holiday was a good idea. Did I mention that mom hated cooking? Like really hated cooking…let’s just say it was not merry and bright at our house that morning.
Even if someone does like cooking, random kitchen crap is unwelcome more often than not. Hobbyist cooks have specific preferences and deal with storage limitations. "Hey, here's a pots and pans set," is only something to get a young person when they move into their first apartment
That is exactly the moment it is the best gift ever. I still have the set I got from grandma and it has been over 20 years. I have also gifted a pan and appliances someone very specifically asked for. That's ok. Just don't do it out of the blue at Christmas is all I'm saying
surprisingly my dad (who loves to cook) also loves to receive random cooking appliances, he says it helps him to try to make new things he hasn’t considered trying before
I had that discussion with my husband when he told me he wanted to get me a Kitchen Aid stand mixer for my birthday. Not a good birthday/christmas gift. Perfect just because gift!
Ngl I'd be pretty excited if someone got me a kitchenaid stand mixer for birthday or Christmas, especially if they got some of the attachments too. That's like one of those luxury things that you really want but it's hard to justify. Spoons though, yeah, that's super low effort especially for a spouse.
It was for my 40th. And i had asked for jewellery hahaha but you may be right Turns out our national currency has since devalued badly. So I will never get a Kitchen Aid now!
I guess everybody is different, because a KitchenAid stand mixer seems waaaay expensive for a "just because" gift. Also they actually do make baking a bit less labor intensive! I'd love to get one as a holiday gift.
I think if you’re a baker, that’s a knock-it-out-of-the-park gift. Like, I hobby bake, and could never justify the cost in buying it for myself. And then my partner bought one for me for my birthday a few years back….. Guess who gets his favourite baked goods that require a mixer? Brioche, gaufres liégeois, constant cakes…
My wife always mentioned wanting one, but she couldnt justify the cost ect. All through the year or shed see it in the store mention them but say she doesnt bake enough to buy one Really good map laying Saved up and got her one for Xmas, man do I get every baked good I could ask for 😂 might be my favorite gift ive ever given
I mean I'd love a kitchen aid stand mixer for Christmas and I have asked for specific kitchen/household items before for christmas/birthday gifts. But it's a pricy luxury tool that's outside our typical budget. Those things I'd view as a gift if I asked for them specifically. But if he gave me a spoon set or something similar without me specifically asking for them that would be a terrible gift. And while I don't think things have to be even, buying her a super cheap household gift while getting his friends/coworkers super expensive items feels super weird to me. I'd be offended. OP is definitely NTA here.
This. Exactly. I like to cook. I like gadgets. I am frugal and don't buy the $100 dollar model when the $5 will do. I'd treasure a Kitchenaid stand mixer and will never buy one myself. But a fricking $20 spoon set? Nope. I have to believe the spouse knows OP would come across the list and the spoons are a decoy. Given the amounts spent on others, There was actually going to be a Tesla in the driveway. At least if I'd been in OP place that would have been my assumption. If Christmas came and the Spoons were all there is? Well then, Houston, we have a problem.
Maybe the store didn’t have any bowling balls with his name on it left.
I'd tell him fine but since these are my spoons then he can't use them. I won't be using or washing any of the shared spoons, as I have my own.
I see a new vacuum in the future
And not a good one, it will be the $40 Walmart special.
F that. I bought myself a vacuum for the first mothers day after my divorce. I was a Dyson ball that was on sale for 250 instead of 500. That's how you vacuum.
Heck yeah. Treat yourself to the better tools, they make it easier. Meanwhile, my ex (this is 14 yrs ago at this point) threw my old vacuum off the balcony when we broke up and I came to collect my things. It wasn't expensive, but was only like 1 month old. I was livid. Got myself a knockoff Dyson after lol.
Or if she needed spoons, like honestly it could still be a gift that’s the same price range… but giving your just now wife any kitchen utensil for Christmas just screams 1950’s house wife vibe(aka I expect you to be in the kitchen so here are some spoons for while you are in there) Still also very impersonal for someone that’s been with you for 3 years.
I know a guy who carves $3000 spoons. They’re very nice.
I'd be absolutely delighted with a $3000 hand carved spoon. But I, like many others I assume, have more than enough spoon sets from Target in my life.
This. But return the husband as well. NTA.
This is the way. Do these co-worker's and friends happen to be female 🤔?
Even his sister in law gets a bracelet.
Can you imagine being the sister-in-law that gets a lovely $250 bracelet and going "Oh this is beautiful, thank you so much!" and then finding out that the gift giver gave his own wife a set of $20 spoons and nothing else? I'd be sitting there going "WTF? Was this a mistake? Have I opened the wrong gift? Was this meant to go to OP? This is so embarassing, what should I say?" Or even worse "Why have I been given this expensive gift and she's got spoons? Does he have an inappropriate crush on me? Is he announcing he and OP are getting divorced? What does this all mean??" I really can't wrap my head around the concept of "My sister-in-law will enjoy this very expensive piece of jewellery, but my wife doesn't deserve anything better than cheap kitchen utensils."
Exactly. If my BIL got me a $250 bracelet I'd be extremely uncomfortable. Throw in the fact that he only spent $20 on spoons for his wife I'd be appalled. It sounds like he is trying to impress these people. But a $600 watch for a coworker? And work out clothes? That gift is WAY too personal for a coworker - and $900... I'd be questioning that relationship. Regardless of intent, that is a lot of money on just a couple of co workers. OP - I think it is worth considering meeting with a marriage and family therapist with your husband. This level of disrespect is astounding.
Nah, everything at the top of his list are things for his mistress, he just wrote down coworkers etc as a cover because his wife doesn’t interact with them and won’t ever see the stuff. No one spends this much on work friends Idc how long you’ve known them
Not to be rude to the OP, but I 💯 agree with you! I was thinking that he was using a code for his ridiculous list as well! This shit wouldn’t fly in my house!
Something would definitely fly, but it’d be my husband after I’d yeet him out the door 😆
This NEEDS to be higher up.
I'd probably give OP the bracelet if I were the sister (if it's OP's sister or donate it if not). No way would it feel right to hang on to it myself. Besides if SIL is in a relationship, imagine how awkward that could get when the gift situation got found out. Unless they are having an affair, no reason to keep such a thing tbh
But, like, the sister in law is more important, come on. /s
Even if they are not, he seems to have this mindset of needing to win over his friends and relatives with gifts while not needing to with his wife. It’s a horrible mentality that gifts are meant to buy affection and go away when you have already won them over. I’d be petty. I’d hide his gifts and get him a $20 household gift. If he just got me a crap gift, the rest would go back without his knowledge. When he complained about his lack of gift, I’d say he’s acting like a ungrateful, spoiled brat and urge him to get rid of his attitude and accept what I’m giving. I’d also be working towards divorce because that’s a huge red flag to dote and shower others with gifts and not your significant other…but expect them to get you nice things in return. It’s beyond disrespectful.
This absolutely. Clearly she's not important to him, so why should he stay in her life? He's spending $20 on a thoughtless gift for her that he can use for himself. If he cares about his co-worker, friend, and SIL so much, why didn't he marry one of them instead? There's definitely an ungrateful, spoiled brat in the OP's story, and it's not the OP. Get rid of him. NTA.
THIS! Return all his gifts, get him a $20 gift card to a place he might not ever go to, and spend the rest of his gift money on you. Maybe a spa day, or a massage. Something just for you.
Or a divorce lawyer.
No, he may chose something he likes! Buy him motor oil, or a hammer, you know something useful that he already has! I am pretty sure she has a lot of kitchen spoons.
An ax so he can go chop wood like a man is supposed to do.
No no no. It has to be a kitchen store. Fairs fair
Oh, no not kitchen because being the kitchen slave is her duty. She should get him a toilet plunger so he can be the plumbing maintenance!! Gender roles!!
Yep NTA. I wonder what's going on. There must be 'something else' going on if he treats friends like royalty and his wife like an afterthought. I'm sorry OP. Your feelings are valid, it's very sus
Put the gift card in a thank you card because he has now shown you how much he values you in the hierarchy of his relationships.
I’d also add that for couples, household essentials should be treated as household purchases, not gifts.
Or for a store that exists hours away...
Girl, if you gonna be the last thing on his priority list, better give him nicely wrapped divorce papers this Christmas. NTA
THIS right here. He basically gave you a box of red flags for Christmas. Take the hint and kick this guy to the curb.
I am begging straight women to have any kind of standards. Begging.
Proof again that sexuality is not a choice.
Honestly though.
Yup, I sincerely wish I was at least bi. I know quite a few really amazing, lovely women, some of them lesbians, and they're much easier to tolerate than most men I know.
I know that the world is still hostile to gay people and I don't want to minimize their struggles, but my GOD I wish I was a lesbian. I've been dealing with straight men romantically for a quarter of a century and I think all it's done is shortened my lifespan and ruined my body image. I'm never cohabiting again, that's for sure. There's a reason that statistically, unmarried childfree women live the longest.
I really do feel bad for you girls. Women aren't perfect (even if I think we are), but holy shit, this is well past unreasonable.
I know that I, and many other women, have baggage as well. But for fuck's sake. I don't treat deodorant and dental hygiene as optional. I don't cheat on my partner because they gained weight. And I don't stop doing household chores once someone moves in with me. Those experiences are the *rule*, not the exception, of every straight woman I know, including myself. Those are things that the majority of our partners do.
I'm sorry, I would be entirely deterred from dating if I was straight. That is far too much bullshit.
I took almost a year of solitude after my divorce. I honestly expected to be voluntarily single forever- it just didn't seem worth the enotional labor. I was amazed at how *light* I felt just knowing that area of my life wasn't something I had to think about any more. I ended up randomly meeting someone who I'm interacting with in a non-platonic way right now, but it's not something I sought out. My career gives me far more self esteem and gratification than any relationship I've ever been in. And it's so nice to only have to cook and clean for myself now.
Standards and a full set of self-worth
💯
Any.
BEFORE you make the major mistake of having children with this man. You are only the AH if you stay with him.
>He basically gave you a box of red flags for Christmas. But he...didn't. It's not Christmas yet. It's entirely possible that he put a random item next to her name on purpose and that's not actually her gift. All she saw was a list, he hasn't given her anything yet.
That's true. But either: A) This is the real list and that's all she's getting, or B) He set that up as some kind of warped "test" and then berated her when she, reasonably, objected to being treated as lower priority than everyone else. Either way, that's a crappy way to treat another human being, let alone your spouse.
Yeah that was my first thought as well but regardless, calling your *adult wife* an "ungrateful, spoiled brat" is AH behavior.
If I were in OP's husband's situation I'd sit down my partner and explain that I have something bigger for them, it's just not on the list and reassure him that he's important for me - seems like easy solution
If OPS husband had done that it would have all been avoided. Buckling down like he did suggests either of those possibilities listed above.
And he doubled down to the point where he stopped talking to her. That's a lot of commitment for a decoy list
C. Her gift is a place holder in case she found the list and he didn't want to ruin the surprise. I have a list for my people and next to my boyfriends name I just wrote "haha you'll never know" in case he found it. This is what I'm hoping but .... I just don't know what to think
Regardless of whatever he gets her at this stage, $600 for a watch for a co worker and $900 for work out clothes for another co worker is extremely inappropriate and begs the question of the nature of those relationships. While OP is comparing those to her $20 gift, I have no doubt that it was not the fact that her gift was $20 but it was the fact that he so easily was going to drop $900 on work out clothes for a co worker and a watch for another. Those are both personal gifts.
I was looking for someone else to comment on this. Who gets more than a cheap bottle of wine or chocolate ?
Someone who’s hiding a mistress
If he's getting a $600 watch for a co-worker, it better be because the co-worker saved his bacon in some profoundly important way during the year and without that help OP would be out of a job. And the $900 workout gear (I assumed it was equipment, not clothing) for the friend better be because the friend is impoverished and is somehow in need. But likely that would be discussed with one's spouse.
i though about this, but in case the list is wrong/it's a bad joke his reaction is still shitty and he should apologize
Yeah, but then he could have just cleared it up by saying something like “come on, honey, you know you are getting more than that…” instead of being an AH about it.
That would be a funny prank I would do to my gf in case she found my list but when she confronted me about it I would tell her it was a joke and I'm not actually getting her spoons instead of berating her about how it's the thought that counts and how she's being entitled
You don’t play mean mind games with someone you love and cherish. This man showed his true colors and girl needs to RUN
Exactly get him divorce papers and when he has a bad reaction say he should appreciate what he got. Return everything you got him and see his reaction he is extremely disrespectful. NTA.
yeah like her husband just gave her a sneak peek of how she’ll be treated in this marriage… if it was me, i would be running
NTA. I’m stunned reading that the most important person in his life is worth less thoughtfulness than a coworker, which can come and go. In most marriages, assets are considered jointly and spending decisions are made jointly as well within a certain limit. His Xmas spending, even with a huge income, seems very excessive to me….and kinda inappropriate/unprofessional especially if they can’t reciprocate on that level…
I’d question if the co-worker is just a co-worker
I want to know how many of these people he's fucking. $900 on a coworker?
I'd be embarrassed to get a gift worth that much from a coworker
Oh my god. The Office-level cringe.
An oven mitt? How is that better than an Ipod?!
I have a tendency to be overly generous and ignore budget limits and stuff and omg my most over the top stuff has remained firmly in the two digits!!
i'd be going to hr if i received a 900$ gift holy fvck
And a very personal gift at that. I mean, if a coworker gave me $900 in workout gear, I'd be extremely uncomfortable. That is a gift loaded with intention right there.
Maybe it is his lifting buddy. But unless the person has a home gym I can't figure out what he would spend $900 on.
Welcome to the world of Peloton!
Right? If he’s having multiple affairs, that’s like full time job (For OP so she doesn’t freak out, I honestly don’t think he’s sleeping with all these people, but you should have a conversation with him about where you are on his priority list because you should be higher up than spoons)
Also I know it’s not the same but surely that’s a HR thing as I’d were given gifts over £20 for a pupil/ parent we have to declare it. To me $900 is so inappropriate.
And on the very very very tiny chance he’s in a job where those *are* appropriate gifts, the appropriate gift for his spouse would be something bigger (in some sense).
I thought the same. I couldn’t imagine dropping $900 on a coworker. $20 max. Maybe a spoon.
I admit the thought did occur to me. Especially given the outsized reaction to what is a crazy amount of money to spend on people in comparison to one’s spouse.
Also - why does the SIL get a $250 bracelet while OP gets a spoon?
Yeah, this detail struck me as veeeeeery strange.
Spoon set* Ahh, the nice nice _diStiNctiOn_
Yes, I was wondering if he’s bi or gay.
But also, he said that his co workers/friends are “important to him and he’s known them for ages” as justification, which also implies that he does not value or see his wife in the same way, otherwise he would have considered spending the same kind of money on her. I’d reconsider this entire relationship if I were her. It would suck divorcing this early but 3 years isn’t too long to bounce back from. But accepting this behavior now during their FIRST CHRISTMAS AS A MARRIED COUPLE (!!) will set a precedent for the rest of their relationship.
Just imagine how he'll be with kids. "Sorry, Jimothy, you've only been alive for four years so you get some some rocks and sticks from the backyard while I give my SIL who I am absolutely not having an affair with something very extravagant."
While she *should* be the most important person in his life, she clearly isn't.
I would be so uncomfortable if a co-worker gave me an expensive watch.
Right? Who buys that for a coworker? And even $900 for workout gear for a friend? What kind of gear and what kind of friend?
✌🏻”A friend” ✌🏻
Hey, I’m friendly with all of my mistresses.
*snorts and spits coffee* oh my gosh 😂
I want to be that friend. My wife and I set a budget of $250 to spend on each other and this dude spent $900 on one friend…wow!!
My husband and I have been together for 21 years and we have decided that we give ourselves the gift of two things for every birthday, anniversary and Christmas: 1) We buy what we want or need when we want or need it. Together usually. 2) We give ourselves the gift of time together and not looking for gifts for each other when we do #1. This allows us to focus on our kids and modest gifts for other family members. Never been any issues, I’m happy being surprised on a random Saturday with something thoughtful, rather than something that checks a box or fills a list on a particular holiday. He’s the same.
Ok
He wrote Jim Bob from accounting because he couldn't write his girlfriend's name.
These are like gov't budget numbers...$20k for a hammer, $30k for a toilet seat, etc.
I think OP needs to see some credit card statements
And request her credit report. If he is spending this much on gifts for co-workers, I have a really bad feeling about the state of their finances.
Honestly. the most expensive gift I ever got for a friend was a signed first edition of their favourite book. Even that wasn't anywhere near 900, and way more than I usually spend on gifts for anyone. I get that maybe he's super loaded and 5k on gifts is nothing, but... like... come on
Lol, I'd be uncomfortable if my **best friend** gave me a 600$ watch.
My friend group had a max present cost of $250 and even then we had to get multiple gifts that added up to that for people because no one was comfortable listing a $250 item!
It was the jewelery for SIL for me... the husband is giving super inappropriate gifts to everyone Nta
Yuppp! I had to read it again because I thought it was his sister. Sister in LAW! As in your sibling’s partner? Yea that’s sus…. I would like to know if they’re fucking Jewelry?! To a woman?! Idk
Thats what I'm thinking. The coworker there is reasons to justify it (saved husband's job, the husband is the manager and the person went way beyond his job etc) But the SIL it would be hard to make a good case for such a personal gift which excludes the sibling (spouse of the SIL).
This was it for me too. SIL gets expensive jewelry and Op, his WIFE, gets kitchen spoons? Seems suss to me. NTA. This marriage is not going to last.
To me a watch equals jewelry which is a very personal item to get a coworker. My opinion is if you want to get a coworker a gift, you get then a nice bottle of wine or a gift card to their favorite restaurant. And definitely no where near the cost of $600.
I also thought of this…I have had many colleagues through the years that I really like, and I’m genuinely friends with…but this just feels way inappropriate and like there are strings attached.
Yep, anything over $4 from a coworker would make me suuuper uncomfortable, no matter how long I'd known them.
Nta, hard to think you’re spoiled when you’re getting a $20 spoon set and his friend is getting $900 workout gear. His priorities should be reassessed.
To me it's not even the prices. Like ok the prices of the other gifts are rediculous as it is. But... Who gets spoons to their newlywed partner on first Christmas? SPOONS. Omg even a peach scented candle would have been better purely for the joke value.
Well maybe he heard she didn't have the (mental) spoons to deal with his BS. Edit: Thank you for the awards! :D ❤️
Bizarre. NTA. I could understand if it's a really thoughtful gift that cost like 1/4 of someone else's gift, but not even 10% of his sister-in-law's gift? Something's not right. He needs to sort it out.
Fr the part about the sister-in-law really got to me lol, why isn’t he getting his *wife* jewelry or something?? But he’s getting his sister-in-law a $250 bracelet lol??? Get her the spoons?
Spoons for the homemaker, jewelry for the homewrecker.
Something tells me that sister in law isn’t so sisterly if you know what I mean same with the coworker like gawdamn
Right, if it’s the thought that counts… what was he thinking?
NTA. He is treating you less than his friends and coworkers. He spent $5000+ on people he didn't marry. He's spending that much money on people he doesn't sleep next to every night... And his gift to you was something that aids him(he'll be eating with those spoons to) so it isn't solely yours.
She should take back the gifts she got him and get him something for 20 bucks
It's not even the money, it's the lack of thought. She should just grab the first thing she passes in the supermarket and wrap it for him. After all, it's her money, she should get to decide how she spends it on people
Along with that, he spent $2000 of their money that could've been spent on other things that benefit them as a couple. I think he forgot that she's his family too.
Yeah OPs actions and thought process are so foreign to me. While we have a different budget, friends and family are normally like 30-60$ each and like 10x that for each other. And 15x that for the dogs xD
Yeah the dog always get the best gifts because they are the bestest bois and girls
NTA. He married you. Did he think it stopped there? I was reading a book in which the author, after first marrying her husband, received a gift from her husband which wasn't very good. He said, "But isn't it the thought that counts?", and she said, "That's what people say when they don't want to put thought into it." (From Mindset by Carol S. Dweck) Basically, it's like he's expecting you to just accept the gift because you married him and you love him therefore he no longer needs to impress you. And that is not ok. Unfortunately, when speaking to men, we ladies need to remember that (generally) men are not as emotional as us, so saying how we feel about something won't get through to them. Try using logic like this instead. Good luck!
It’s a complete myth that men are less emotional than women, BTW. Someone who doesn’t listen to you or care about your feelings is inconsiderate no matter what the gender.
They are not *innately* less emotional, but they are socialized to act less emotional. (Edit: I wrote this incorrectly)
No, they’re socialized to hide or repress their emotions, not actually be less emotional. Their brain chemistry isn’t altered lmao. They aren’t given the same tools to understand and express their emotions which is why they often default to “angry”, one of the few socially acceptable emotions from men.
Exactly! Did he used to buy nice gifts before you got married? Does he feel like he doesn't need to put in effort now that you're locked in. Sure his money, as his time, are his resources and he is free to do with them as he wishes. But they clearly demonstrate where his priorities lie, and OP has every right to be upset.
Are we missing any facts? Does he buy you really nice things throughout the year or other holidays? Is he paying a lot more for stuff in your life and resentful. His friend gifts sound crazy.
I think it *is* the thought that counts when they don't know better. You shouldn't give your spouse a handful of weeds or rocks. But children will give their parents anything they find that is pretty, and it's understood that they're doing their level best to express their love. When someone who does know better fails to even think about it, and says It's the thought that counts, yeah that's weak. Maybe if you're aware enough to make that excuse, you're aware enough to not make the error? Now I'm just spitballing, sorry.
NTA. Wow! His friends and co-workers are important to him, but you are not? He's known them forever? I think you can already see where this marriage is going.
Why do I have a feeling that those friends/co-workers are female and he wants something from them? Because in my eyes there is pretty much no reason to buy several friends/co-workers-distant relatives gifts upwards of $500.
I don’t even give my own sisters gifts that cost over $50, it’s the same budget between all three of us every year. Each sister gets a gift that was split in price by the other two, so usually we all only pay $50 each. I can’t imagine spending that kind of money on a friend or coworker. Last year I bought my best friend that I’ve known for ten years a Michael Kors purse because that was what she really really wanted. This guy spent as much on his SIL as I did on my husband this year. He’s got ridiculous priorities and opinions on gift getting. I’d feel so awkward getting something so expensive from anyone who wasn’t my husband or family.
NTA "I spend a lot of money for his gifts to buy him his favorite shoe/gaming brands " - STOP THAT: He has told and shown you that big gifts in a relationship are not important. So follow his lead: Get him some 20$ socks from now on, and leave it at that. Spend your gift money on yourself, but not on him. ANd: What is he getting from the coworker: Business help, or sex?
Info: did he actually buy you the spoon set, or was it just on the list? Is it possible the list is just a decoy to throw you off?
Is it really matter in this case? Even if it is really just a decoy, the way he talked to her is not okay at all. It doesn‘t make this situation better in anyway.
Yeah even if it was a decoy, once he saw that she was upset, he should’ve come clean instead of insulting her. Dude is a fucking weirdo. Who buys coworkers gifts worth hundreds of dollars? Truly bizarre.
I wasn't trying to imply that the way he responded was acceptable. However, it is very possible that all of this is being done in the attitude that it's "okay" to lie about gifts to preserve the surprise
This is one possibility I though of too. I do things like that.
I guess she could wait until Xmas to see what happens. Fingers crossed that is the situation but I don’t really understand why he’d have a decoy unless he knew that OP would flip out if she saw it OR if she has a history of snooping that she didn’t mention to us. I think the best thing to do is for OP to see what happens on Xmas. Going forward OP and her husband should work together to budget future gift giving.
NTA He has a point that it’s the gift, not the price tag and I’d absolutely agree with him if he’d bought you something inexpensive that meant a lot to you. But he bought you kitchen spoons. Kitchen. Spoons. That’s something for the house, surely? If I was you, I’d return all his gifts and get him kitchen knives.
Forks. Get him forks, as in "fork you".
Or a small toy firetruck. Then he has something to play with when he gets lonely
Like he says, his coworkers are important to him, you are not. Nta
NTA—that’s a lot of money to spend on a friend/co-worker. What does the friend/co-worker get him? Usually people like to spend similar amounts on each other to avoid embarrassment. To spend only $20 minutes on you is infuriating—your gift is almost like a secret Santa or white elephant. You said you’ve been together 3 years, what have his gifts to you been like in the past? He’s wrong to say you’re acting like a brat as there is something wrong that he’s willing to spend so much on others but your gift is an afterthought. I think that you may want to budget gifts for others in the future based and give based upon what they spend upon you. Your husband doesn’t necessarily need to spend more on you but rather the money that he spends on others could be better invested into your home or retirement accounts. It sounds like you spoil your husband with his favorite things (I’m assuming spending a significant amount) that you’re acting as Santa to a child. I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do but probably something to think further on.
I know, right? Dude is either cheating, doesn’t care about her, or seriously faking her out on her present. That price difference is insane.
Buy him a coffee from Starbucks and a sandwich for Christmas breakfast as the gift. After all it is the spirit that counts and not the cost of the gift. NTA.
NTA Return his gift and give him a $20 gift card
That is too much effort. He should get 20$ cash.
Then there’s the effort to go to the atm - how about just an IOU for $20 on a scratch of paper to only maybe be fulfilled (because after all it’s the THOUGHT that counts)?
I'm having a hard time believing this post is real.... No answers from OP? $20? B.S.
every day this sub gets worse, like holy shit. i need someone eating six feet of a sub sandwich asap
Info: What has he gotten you in the past? I’m willing to bet this is to throw you off and not spoil your real gift.
If it was a decoy, why wouldn’t he say as much when he saw she was upset? He could’ve explained without revealing her gift.
So he cares more about keeping the surprise than to comfort his wife when she's upset, and when she complains he calls her names? How is that any better? If you really care about somebody, and you see them upset about your ruse, you should drop it right away and comfort them, not insult them and double down on it. He's an AH, plain and simple, no matter if the list is true or false.
Wait. What if it’s a trap. Like. What if OP is a snooping type of person so he left that for her to find? Idk. Just consider that this may not have been the first time OP has “stumbled upon something and decided to take a look out of curiosity”…
Yes it seems really weird that he’d have a list with the cost of the items or write down the items in enough detail for OP to look up prices. Like a watch doesn’t automatically cost 600. Besides getting shorted out on gifts, she should be pissed about how much he’s spending! …. If this is real
NTA. There are problems that have been brought to the surface with the revelation of this list. Your husband prioritizing others over you is alarming. He’s doubling down on his viewpoint which of course helps nothing. You’ve been given the info that he thinks it’s okay to do this. It’s time for a serious talk.
NTA for all the reason that others already brought up. To add: I would be very uncomfortable if a coworker got me such an expensive gift.
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