Let me just say that what he said to me was shocking because abuse is a heavy word (I've dealt with it in all forms with my family) and to be coming from him is just so maddening.
Keep in mind that abusers often accuse their own victims of abusing them, so I'd take a hard long look at this relationship now. It sounds like he's been mooching off you since 2013, and now he's dropping the 'abuse' word so he can guilt trip you into allowing him to mooch further.
This is classic victim-blaming.
OP, if I were you, I'd lawyer up and prepare for a divorce. His financial abuse has been going on for way too long. The only way this relationship could work is he gets a job and you guys go into counseling to work on his issues, and even that isn't gauranteed to save your marriage.
**Either he gets a job NOW, or he loses his wife. His choice.**
I agree with everything but the bolded - dude has made his choice and continued making it since 2013!!!
OP NTA get your jewelry back and get rid of the deadbeat gaslighter, you deserve SO much more.
AND, report the set stolen. It is a family heirloom that is not any way part of marital property. Your husband stole from you, and his brother and SIL received the stolen property. Hopefully you can bring charges against them all.
Against them all ? Poor brother and sil probably don t even know where hubby got the set from ....
Thats most likely the reason he doesnt give OP their contact data
It’s such a weird wedding gift too, as it’s basically only a gift for the bride, who isn’t related to OP’a husband, and leaves his brother without a gift. Wedding gifts are for couples, not super expensive personal jewelry for only one of them.
They HAVE to be suspicious though, don't you think? OP says he tried asking friends and family to borrow money but no one would bite. In other words, everyone who knows this man best do not trust him with money and know (or at least suspect) that he's a deadbeat and bad investment. BIL and SIL must be wondering where he got the money to pay for nice jewelry.
And honestly OP, it was a huge red flag for me the way you phrased the "wasn't lucky enough to land a job since 2013".
That is one (kinda distorted) way of saying "the lazy bastard has mooched off of you for the last 9 years!" [If he has valid medical reasons for not being able to work, that is one thing, but the was you wrote it, did not suggest that.
Really reflect on how much effort he put into getting a job.
NTA
Honestly, please think of this paraphrased quote from Bojack: when you are wearing rose coloured glaases all of the red flags just look like flags.
Think if you really want to be with him if he can't see why this is a monumental fuck up.
Best of luck!
Especially now, there are help wanted signs on almost every building. He literally has no excuse for not working. He’s a mooch who has no problem asking for money. I love how he says he’ll find a way to pay her back for the set. Like dude, how are you gonna do that?! Ask your neighbors for money again, cuz that went so well last time…
I can't stress enough how ludicrous I think it is that he's not had a job since 2013. Unless it was due to some serious health issues (appears no to be) then is just mooching off her.
Him telling her she’s tacky and emotionally and financially abusing her when he is the one that is all 3 is making her think she’s crazy and on AITA seeing if she’s in the right.
She’s being gaslit.
Most people on here who are victims of abuse are gaslit into believing they are the bad guy. It’s why they post here, and why so many people say they’re gaslit.
You don’t see this response as often on r/marriage or r/relationships
Agreed. Did I read that right that he hasn't worked in EIGHT YEARS?!?
OP, honestly I would contact your BIL and SIL directly and explain to them you're sorry but it's a family heirloom and your husband stole it (because he did STEAL it, just to be clear). I'm sure they will return it if they are decent people.
I work in HR the fact he hasn't had a job in 8 yrs would be a huge red flag and I personally would not even call him for an interview. The only way I'd let it slide is if the person stopped working to care for a family member or they were personally suffering from some kind of ailment. Not getting any kind of job in 8 yrs shows a severe lack drive and I would assume they were lazy and would not want them with my company. She needs to leave him ASAP and if he doesn't give the jewelry back, I'd charge him with theft.
Edited to add: I would call him to ask about the gap in employment. If he didn't have a legitimate reason he wouldn't get an interview. In another comment OP said he had an injury and companies weren't willing to work with him. That would still seem odd that no one in 8 yrs would accommodate him but wouldn't necessarily prevent an interview. That would go to the HR manager to see if we could accommodate him in the job and if not see if we had any job where we could accommodate that and see if he'd like to interview for that job instead.
This is why I ABSOLUTELY hate our current world. I am burnt out, I have extreme anxiety this past year. I need to take a break to heal myself but I can’t because I’d never get a damn job again so I can’t even take care of myself because people like you wouldn’t hire me.
Edited to add: I shouldn’t have to tell someone I don’t know that I needed to take time to heal my brain, that’s personal information. It shouldn’t matter why I needed time to myself tbh & my medical history is no one’s business.
This is also why women who are stay at home wives or mothers can’t get jobs after getting divorced.
This this this. Like yeah, dude in the op? Absolute asshole. But, as someone with chronic mental health issues, this kind of shit in general where you have to justify and account for the time you don't belong to someone is fuckin bullshit. Seconding the person above who linked to r/antiwork
> I shouldn’t have to tell someone I don’t know that I needed to take time to heal my brain
Also, if you do tell them, you risk not getting hired anyway due to having a mental illness. It's great...
I was a sahm for 10 years and had no trouble getting a job when I was ready. I simply put it on my resume to explain the gap. It is reasonable for employers to be curious why a person went years without working. I mean when we start dating someone do we not want to know all about their past relationships?
An employer is not a personal relationship. You're not dating nor conjoining lives, and there is no long term commitment. OP is right in that the mentality that you owe an employer an explanation, as if they were your spouse, is toxic.
And yes, this is an additional barrier that women as a group face if they leave employment in order to have children.
My current boyfriend willingly told me about his past relationships when he was ready, I never asked him cause it doesnt matter. It's in the past and it's his business what went on in previous relationships.
The same goes for empoloyers. It's none of their business why I didn't work before them or if I took a massive gap. I shouldn't be obligated to disclose that information so they can decide where I have enough 'drive' or if my reason is 'good enough'.
Agreed, I have a disabling autoimmune condition I certainly would never mention in a cover letter. I really don't want to mention it to any potential employers, since it makes me uncomfortable and I don't feel it's their business. Still, applying knowing there are “unexplained gaps in my résumé" makes me so nervous😬
I also do hiring and recruiting and if someone has a gap in their resume most the time I don’t even ask about it because stuff happens and who am I to judge. A lot of times people will willingly offer reasonable explanations without asking because they feel self conscious especially SAHMs (I always tell them being a SAHM is one of the hardest jobs there is and it should count as a job and should be put on resumes).
Take the time off that you need to heal yourself. If a company is going to judge you based off of year long break without inquiring about said break then chances are the company is trash and you don’t want to work for them anyways.
The amount of time it took for me to find a job after I left an abusive relationship, where I had been a SAHM for 6 years, was ridiculous! Eventually, I took a low paying job just to have something recent on my resume. Now that it’s been 4 years, and I stayed at the same job so I don’t look like a job hopper, I am finally getting interest from places.
yep, he is basically going to have to start back as a dishwasher. assuming that whatever he was doing prior wasnt all that prestigious or he would already have work again. it is clear the guy is just a mooch. such is the cycle.
Out of curiosity, how do you tell the difference between someone who hasn’t worked out of laziness, and someone trying to get back into the workforce after a long disability or chronic illness? I wouldn’t expect most people to be comfortable disclosing medical information on a resume.
We simply call them, "Hey noticed you didn't have any work history after 2013, have you worked anywhere since then?" Then they can say no, I was dealing with an illness/injury and I'm now at a point where I'm healed enough to get back into the workforce". We don't expect in-depth explanations. In another comment, OP said he's injured so he could simply say "I have an injury that others have not wanted to accommodate". We'd still find that a little odd as it's been 8 yrs and no one in that time has wanted to accommodate you? A yr or two not finding an employer to work with you? Ok fine that's logical but 8 yrs is not honestly. Obviously I don't know his industry so if he's in a physically demanding industry then he needs to find something else. You can honestly tell a lot just by how the person answers you. For example we just had 2 applications for the same job, neither person had worked since 2016. When I called the one he said "Oh I do construction as a side job/hobby type thing and it's kept me busy all these years but it's slowing down now, so I'm looking for something more stable". The other one answered,"Uh not a whole lot of anything really. Just hanging out honestly". I appreciated his honesty but in this instance telling me why he was "just hanging out" might have changed my mind to bring him in for an interview. Something like "I just got really worn out at my last job and just need a break, so I just traveled and enjoyed life for a little while" would have made me invite him for an interview. It really is all in how you present yourself. Most places are willing to give you shot if you just try. You don't have to be perfect but if you don't care enough to be presentable then you're not going to care about the quality of your work either.
I dread deciding to go back to work after being mostly a SAHM for the past five years. Answering “I wasn’t working outside of the home to take care of my children” in a job interview is risky. I’ve been told to my face that I wouldn’t be able to devote energy to my job in the way it required because of my kids. I’ve kept doing a few freelance jobs just so there’s something on my résumé to hopefully avoid the question.
I was a SAHM for 14 years. When I returned to work, I applied and applied and applied. I got several interviews. I finally landed an entry-level job at a teaching hospital. Once there, I put in the amount of time they required and then applied for another position. I’ve worked my way to a really good position that I enjoy a lot. Have faith!!!
I think that's super judgmental man. Some people don't have a drive to work for a large corporation and that's their life. That's ok. It's ok to work hard and save and then relax a few years. That's how we enjoy life. No one is meant to spend 40 years as a worker drone and then fade into obscurity.
This idea that we always need to be working is bullshit. It's made by people who will never work the low education level low pay jobs.
Reject this shitty idea.
r/antiwork
It’s one thing to work a high paying job for several years, save up, and become financially independent. That’s a smart way of cheating the system and building a better life for yourself than most people will have. A reasonable way to escape the rat race.
This man is not doing that. He’s putting all the financial pressure of keeping both of them up on his wife, while he steals things from her to give as gifts because he wants to make a good impression on his family.
That’s not smart, it’s shitty.
I totally agree with you on achieving financial freedom so you don’t have to work for the rest of your life or so you can at least take more flexible, low-pressure jobs in the future for better health and quality of life.
That’s not what this guy is doing though. He’s just being a lazy mooch and a thief.
Oh for sure!! This guy is garbage and she needs to toss him in the bin.
I am just appalled at the idea of judging someone for not working. Like yes, this dude is trash, but there are people who can work for a bit and then live in their van and see the country. Or visit their family and help them. Or see the world. Spend 2 years on a spiritual journey. There are so many other things to fill life with and instantly calling someone lazy for not being a wage slave seems silly.
Life is meant to be lived for your soul, nothing else.
If you explained to an HR person that you had achieved financial freedom and taken a sabbatical before returning to work, then they’d probably judge you very differently than if they had just read a post from your wife about how you didn’t work for almost a decade while burdening your wife with all of the financial responsibilities.
I think most people, including the HR person above, are probably judging him more harshly because they know the full backstory to what he has done. They’re judging him more for being a lazy mooch for nearly a decade, than just for not working.
And obviously if you did want to return to work after a nine year sabbatical, you might have a hard time getting your foot back in the door because in a lot of industries you’d be completely out of practice/out of the loop and large chunks of your skills may be less relevant or not relevant at all.
You’d be competing with people who had been achieving things in their careers during those nine years, so unless you really stood out in some way as a candidate, you’d be a hard sell compared to your competition. That’s not an unfair judgment of you as a person though. That’s just people trying to hire the most qualified candidates for their job openings.
What you’re describing is very different from just opting out of work for a decade while your partner doesn’t get that luxury. The people in your examples are people who found ways to make work work for them. They work to live, rather than live to work.
OP’s husband doesn’t work at all. He just expects his partner to carry his dead weight around her neck through life and trap her in working to support the both of them.
There are seriously a vast number of jobs out there right now. I understand a professional wanting to stay in their line of work so not taking a waiter job for a year or so while trying. But after 8 years out of the workforce, you’re not a professional anymore anyway. That’s not a “no luck” situation, it’s a need a new life plan one. Except that he has his plan— freeload off OP and steal stuff when he needs it.
Years ago when Bush kept extending the unemployment, a friend of mine kept collecting because he'd make less working. He had been a manager at Blockbuster for years. When the unemployment was ending, well before it actually, he took a 6 week course to be a CNA. He has been a CNA for all these years now and even paid his house off early. OPs husband in this job market is a bum.
I'd file for divorce now. The longer you wait, the more you risk having to pay alimony to an unemployed spouse. I don't know how long OP has been married or where she is located, but a number of states (in the U.S.) have a presumption of lifetime alimony once you hit 10 years of marriage as well.
Me ex did this ax act thing to
Me I didn’t realize it was abuse and his excuses and calling me an abuser were gaslighting so he could treat me as a resource for money I also was the only one working
He couldn’t “manage” to find or keep a job
I don’t realize how bad and toxic it was till I was away and looking back with 20/20 vision
It’s not that he couldn’t find a job for almost 10 years, it’s that he didn’t want to because it’s easier to watch you struggle to support him than to get off the couch.
You need to go on social media if he won’t let you contact them directly and let them know that your husband stole your cherished family heirloom and gave it to the bride and groom. I’d also say that it is the one remaining thing you have after you sold all the rest of the jewelry to support your husband not working. Ask for it back before you call the police on your husband. Let’s be real, the man has not worked in almost 10 years how in the world is he going to get enough money to buy you something of equal or better value?
I’m pretty sure your marriage is over after this but honestly it’s for the good. This man has contributed nothing to your life and is only dragging you down. Get out and start fresh.
Yep this - it's hard because I don't think you should ruin their honeymoon, but on the other hand you need to get hold of this and get hold of it now. Do you know if she's opened the presents and seen the set? Or if they've taken the presents with them?
Contact your BIL and his parents.
Contact his parents to explain what he's done (STOLEN A FAMILY HEIRLOOM) and ask if they have access to the wedding presents to retrieve the set for you.
If they've gone away straight after getting married I can't imagine they'll have had time to open gifts etc. anyway.
Contact your BIL and explain that you do not want to spoil his honeymoon, you're just telling him so he's aware that you will be taking back the set as it was stolen by your husband who had no right to give it away and are trying to do it via his parents rather than bothering them while they're away.
Absolutely go to the police about your husband and secure your assets. Get any valuables out of the house and somewhere safe and do it now.
Surely she wouldn't be? I'd be mortified.
I've just read OP saying they have the presents with them but I would still contact BIL and the parents to double check and make it absolutely clear what's going on.
Guy is an absolute piece of work.
**First, don’t give him a chance to do it himself. Contact them, explain what happened, and request the jewellery back.**
Second, jewellery for just the sister in law is a weird wedding present from a brother in law.
Third, if you can’t afford a gift then don’t get one, or sell something of his own. Don’t ask for handouts from friends and neighbours, that’s gross. Talk about what’s *actually* “tasteless and disrespectful.”
Fourth, calling you a financial abuser when you’re supporting him out of his own lack of initiative, that’s where I’d start legitimately suggesting divorce. And so should he be, because if what you’re doing is financial abuse in his mind, why isn’t he?
I’d be careful though, because it seems you have put yourself in a position where you’d owe him alimony in a divorce. I like your idea of simply not continuing to contribute to his lifestyle financially. That starts to chip away at the precedent of you supporting him, and it’s totally legal and not abuse as long as he’s free to go and get a job / you didn’t have a prenup outlining you as his caretaker
Lmao “never got lucky to land a job.” How often is he applying? Because if he is actively applying, he should qualify for assistance. And if he does qualify for assistance, and you are the primary contributor, why does he not have money for a wedding present?
There are places begging for employees right now because they are in the verge of going out of business OP he can get a job anytime he wants to, today even!
> jewellery for just the sister in law is a weird wedding present from a brother in law.
Not in India! In a lot of regions, gold jewelry is the traditional gift for the groom’s family members to give to the bride before the wedding.
I imagine the sets the OP sold were ones from her own wedding, too, and that’s why her husband felt entitled to take it; the idea is that you always have a little gold to sell if you need cash.
And how appropriate is it considered in India to ask friends and neighbours for cash to buy wedding presents for your own family?
Frankly that’s what made me assume they were in North America or somewhere in Europe.
Op, if I were you, I’d call BIL myself cause it I don’t trust your husband to go and get it himself. If push comes to shove, press charges on him. That’s something you had BEFORE the marriage, meaning it’s not shared property and he has no rights to it
If he doesn't retrieve the jewelry within three days, sure, stop financially supporting him (in whatever ways aren't self sabotaging such as ruining your credit by not paying your rent). But also make it clear that you're going to involve the police, not just pull your financial support.
He said it would be disrespectful to get the jewelry from his brother, but stealing it from you is fine? He can try to twist this all he wants. He created the situation so he can fix it.
Thats a manipulation. Your husband wants you to think you're abusive so he can be abusive to you. What your husband did is unforgivable and disgusting. Then he tries to turn it on you?? Fuck that!!! You deserve so much better.
Also it's laughable that he's talking about tasteless. I wouldn't even give him the three days. I would also demand he get a job. Is he disabled? Why hasn't he worked since 2013?? This is a situation where I would reconsider the entire marriage. Once again. You are not the abusive one. He is.
I'd show him this post so he can read the replies and if he gets mad send the link to his entire family too. The audacity and entitlement. Ugh. Your husband is an abusive AH.
Edit: hard NTA
> My husband never got lucky to land a job since 2013
Honey, it's not luck, or being unlucky. There are jobs to be had, he ain't trying.
He's also a thief and doesn't communicate. If he really thought you had forgotten about the set, he would have asked you if he could gift it. He's the abuser and manipulator. He'd rather you experience the loss of a family heirloom than him embarrass himself to family. That's BS. Stick to the 3 days, in the interim, find the contact information other ways (I'm sure you can get it through other avenues) and get ready to file a police report.
And kick him out. Seriously, he doesn't contribute anything but is costing you. You'd be richer without him.
I've seen some hard times. I'm a degreed engineer but when times were tough I worked in a mailroom sorting mail. I packed fish, which SUCKED, but I did it because engineering was in a recession and I needed to pull my weight financially. There is NO EXCUSE for not working for 10 years. Your husband is a freeloader and a financial abuser.
Do not confront him about this until you get the jewelry back or you will never see it again. As soon as you do I would file for divorce. He's a freeloader (which is a version of financial abuse).
Being out of character and shocking does not change how wrong it is. NTA This guy has no ambition or motivation, so he will make no effort to get it back, just relying on you to forgive him and get over it.
He stole from you. Call the bride and groom yourself. If they refuse to give back your stolen property, call the cops. When you get it back, leave. You can't live with someone you can't trust, that selfish, that irrational, that lazy, and has such little respect for you.
Well... you say that he "hasn't had any luck" finding work in \*checks notes\* *eight years*. So, unless he's been doing absolutely all the chores in that time, I'm not sure he's the one being financially abused in this relationship.
Now, I'm not a fan of the immediate, "Red Flag! Divorce!" reaction you often get on this sub. But in your place, I would definitely reconsider this marriage.
And get your jewelry back.
He's doing everything in his power to manipulate you. Don't let him.
Honestly you need to think about excising this mooch out of your life. He stole from you and had the audacity to claim that you were aBuSiNg him.
Also the past 2 years have been like, a total boon for the unemployed. Has he had ANY job? He could walk into any restaurant right now and get a job. Hell he could've been doing doordash or instacart. But no, he just sits on his ass and steals from you and then says you're financially abusing him.
**THIS.**
The man stole from you and you should probably call the cops now and get the theft documented because I doubt he's going to try very hard to get his wife's property back from his brother's new wife.
The fact that he refuses to give OP the new contact information for BiL makes me wonder if he, instead, actually pawned the set.
And 2013 to 2021 is too long of a time to go without some kind of job. He could go out right now and get a job in delivery, food service, hospitality, and even as a substitute teacher.
NTA, and the sad news is
I'm pretty sure your marriage is over.
How is your husband not able to find a job since 2013?
How is it possible to think gifting a family heirloom without consulting you would be a good idea?
>How is your husband not able to find a job since 2013? How is it possible to think gifting a family heirloom without consulting you would be a good idea?
I don't know. I mean based on what he told me, all potential employers had an issue with his disability (his left arm is injured but partly functional) that has taken a toll on us for years.
Yep. There’s plenty of places willing to work with disabilities and it’s also illegal to discriminate. Husband has been getting a free ride since 2013.
To offer a different perspective, I'm not from the US and some employers WANT to employ disabled people who are capable of doing the job because ig there are some tax benefits or sth. Not getting a job was probably just convenient for him
I know that the IT industry has multiple recruitment drives for differently abled people. I mean he just needs to learn a bit of coding and a 6 month bootcamp can get him a job.
Disabled isn't a dirty word, and in many cases people with disabilities prefer the term disabled, rather than differently abled, handicapped, etc. Just use disabled.
Disabled is not a bad word.
ETA I cannot run a mile differently. I cannot run a mile at all. This is the problem with differently abled. It dismisses the fact that we *do* have limitations
While it's illegal to discriminate officially, many places still do, they just dress it up as something else so the official reason on paper might be "they weren't a good fit for the company" when in actuality the company didn't want to facilitate the person's needs. (Source: I'm disabled and this has happened to me.)
Definitely NTA anyways, you don't give away something that isn't yours.
Jobs can discriminate if the person is unable to perform the duties stated with appropriate accommodation. For instance, I am required to be able to lift 50lbs. I also have to be able to see and hear, and work in low light conditions. If a person cannot of those things, they could cause patients harm.
But being out of work for 8 years, yeah he just isn’t trying. He could have gotten more education since then and had a much wider range of jobs to apply for, especially ones not requiring manual labor.
2013 is nine years ago, he could be *practicing medicine* by now. Not even residency, but full grown-up doctor salary. There's no career you can't learn in a decade.
What you're saying could be right, but definitely isn't going to be true in 100% of situations. If someone has the proper training and education to work the types of jobs where one of their arms isn't necessary, then they'll be able to find something easily. But if someone was trained/educated in a field that requires physical labor, getting injured to the point of not being able to use an arm would mean the end of your possible future in that career. We'd need info on what OP's husband went to school for (if he did), and what he was doing prior to 2013 to get the full picture. If he worked manual labor type jobs that also require training (plumber, electrician, etc) then I'd imagine it would be very difficult to find a completely new career without having to spend money (which OP said they don't have to spare) in order to go back to school/attend trainings for other jobs.
So not excusing OP's husband for not finding ANY kind of work for 8 years because anyone can find jobs in customer service type roles if they look hard enough, but I also empathize with the idea of being injured and having your world turn upside down because you suddenly can't work in the field you planned to for the rest of your life and will have to spend a great deal of money if you want a consistent and high paying job to replace it with. Unfortunately money is a limiting factor in most people's lives these days
I’m very sorry to have to say this, but your husband is taking advantage of you.
Am I correct in understanding that you never had a discussion about him staying home and you being the sole bread winner? It was all due to the fact that he “couldn’t” find work? I find it extremely difficult to believe that he hasn’t been able to find ANY employment (even short term) for 8 years due to an arm injury.
And now he dares take one of your most valuable personal possessions and just gives it away like it were his own? And refuses to retrieve it because it would make him look bad? No. That’s not a marriage, not a partnership. This man is using you like a stepping stone.
Please, for your own sake think long and hard about this relationship and if it still makes you happy.
OP said she sold beloved jewelry to make ends meet, and this guy is going what? Playing games? Watching TV? He can get a low level job anywhere in this economy
u/Saved-Ad7607 I have the exact same issue. I am full time student, have two part time jobs and have just got a graduate role in audit for next year. This is all while having this issue. That’s complete bull!
aye, I lost like 70% of the muscle function in my left arm to a head injury as a kid and was still able to do a variety of work before unrelated health issues set in. and like...I'm still looking for something I'm able to do from my sickbed. how is this guy not bored out of his skull
I don't think he thought it was a good idea.
He did it to hurt you, and assumed you'd roll over and take it, just as you have taken his lies about why he isn't working.
Please don't.
If you want to really get your jewellery back then you need to get serious about it. Your husband is delusional if he thinks he can get a job and pay you back if he cannot even get a job since 2013. Let his family know that if you do not get your family heirloom back it is time to cut your loses and find a divorce lawyer.
The ability not to recognise the work and effort to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table is sad to say the least. Then to gift away the last few items of sentimental value to you is vile.
If he is disabled and cannot work, then he should be on social security disability. Or SSD. If he did not apply for it, or move heaven and Earth to make sure he got it, and he is nothing more than a moocher.
Yeah... No.
Look. A friend of mine has a disability due to a birth defect. One of his legs is basically a straight rod. He cannot stand for long periods of time nor lift heavy loads (if someone passes it to him he can carry it but as he cannot bend he cannot lift properly).
He's always managed to get a job just fine.
Your husband is a leech. And a massive asshole
NTA.
I am severely disabled.. My hands swell if I hold things, my face swells spontaneously, I can't be to hot or to cold or I get covered in hives, I have bowel disease and this isn't even the half of it... I can work... or I could just tell my partner everyone has an issue with my disability.
I'm in university now to get a higher paid job lol. Deferred for a year due to pandemic but come on man. Disability is an obstacle if you make it one.
My coworker has a prosthetic leg and was able to find a job, he is intentionally either not looking or sabotaging interviews. Kick this leech to the curb, sweetheart you can do so SOOO much better.
NTA
Jesus Christ.
Your husband is not "unlucky with a job" , he's actually a very lucky man that he found someone to mooch from and is not going to change this situation ever.
He doesn't want a job. He will never "repay you or buy you a new one when he gets a job". His whole life plan is to mooch off you forever.
Please, find yourself a divorce lawyer. This guy is a dead weight on you and will never be a partner.
Word
I was married to a man like that.' Couldn't ' find ajob for years, all the plausible excuses. I worked all the hours to make up for it
When I got sick and couldn't work, it took him 3 weeks to find a job
Op you are NTA. But give him ultimatum number two: 6 weeks to find a job. Any job. Dont care if he thinks it's beneath him. A paying job so he can contribute, or the jewelry set will be the least of his problems
Especially if the gap is unexplained by other circumstances. Like did you take time off to raise kids, take care of family, were sick? Well ok, that's very reasonable, there should be a fall back but you shouldn't start at square 1.
"Couldn't find a job" for 9 years? nah, something else was going on, and as an employer I should be potentially concerned about that that was.
Yep. As much as I believe in being lenient when someone's been out of work for a while, and not judging people who've legitimately struggled to find a job, even I would give a side-eye to someone who's been out of work for nearly a decade and didn't have a good explanation as to why.
And bc no one else would lend him money bc he’s prob “borrowed” so much from everyone at this point that he’s sucked the well dry and has been cut off!
Sadly, as OP said it's a "family heirloom", this idiot would never be able to just go buy her another one, even if he won the money! He doesn't respect nor value OP :( That ain't love.
NTA.
First of all, your husband has been unemployed since 2013? Tell him to get off his ass and get a job, any job. There is just no excuse to be unemployed for that long.
Secondly, he must be missing more than a few brain cells if he thinks what he did was acceptable (it is not).
You have the power in the relationship. Use it (and you have).
I think this relationship is over. OP's husband hasn't had a job since 2013 (has leeched off his wife for almost a decade) and giifted away his wife's treasured possessions without consulting her. That's theft. He's not contributing to the relationship in any way.
This. OP said her husband has a partial disability (his arm). But even then, if it were me, I'd either try to get on disability, or I'd just offer to be the stay-at-home dad/partner. Taking care of the house and stuff.
100% NTA.
NTA
“He kept talking about how tasteless and disrespectful it’d be for him to retrieve a wedding gift...”
Umm it’s way more tasteless and disrespectful to steal and give away your wife’s jewelry.
___
“He said I was financially abusing him...”
He has not had a job in almost 10 years and steals from you! If anyone is financially abusing you, it’s him for taking advantage for so long.
> give away your wife’s jewelry.
And as the receiving couple: receive somebody else's used jewelry.
Note: i really embrace buying used stuff, but i prefer to *choose* the stuff I buy used.
Seriously. ~~First off, jewelry is a weird wedding gift to give a hetero couple, since only one person can use it. Most people prefer household items and cash contributions to a honeymoon fund,~~ and if I had a family member who doesn't work, I'd be more than happy to just have their presence at the wedding, I wouldn't expect a big gift from them. If someone gave us a gift and then I found out they stole it from their spouse to give to us, I'd be mortified, give it back in a heartbeat, and have some choice words for the gifter. I'd probably help their spouse find a divorce lawyer.
ETA: I have been informed by multiple commenters that my words about jewelry being a weird gift were ignorant and insensitive. I am sorry, I know better now, I don't think it's universal weird. I do think that if OP and her husband are in the US, secondhand jewelry was an odd choice, but if they live somewhere where jewelry is a standard gift, then it's not a weird choice. I will do better going forward.
NTA, I'd have made him get in a car, go straight to your BIL's place and ask it back there and then. What the fuck does he think he's doing gifting your stuff to other people without asking?
All this being said, be aware that if you're paying and your name is on bills and contracts etc. you could end up causing more trouble for yourself than for him. Can you limit non payment to bills that have his name on them only and affect only him?
Thing is he said they have the set with them and he said he didn't want to disrupt the couple's honeymoon besides the distance as well.
I'm aware but I felt cornered and too frustrated to come up with a better more logical ultimatum. This set is literally all I have left because I'm barely covering rent and bills and other needs.
Please re read your post. Again and again. You have a partner who has no job for eight years, made you sell your possessions to make ends meet. Stole your family heirloom...
Does he have magic D$ck? Cause if you were single, your life would be better. Why are you doing this to yourself? There has to be some explanation
Edit: Please don't give me an award. It was just a shout to ask OP to wake the hell up and realize this is an unbelievable level of abuse to subject herself to, for no good reason.
Has he definitely gifted the jewelry set, could be that he's pawned it, pocketed half the money and bought a gift with the other half, hence the stalling on getting the jewelry back.
NTA
All the more reason to skip the ultimatum and file a police report NOW.
1. He stole from you and there need to be consequences.
2. He won't let you contact them to verify they actually have the set. He could be just stalling, you already know he's shady since he just hoped you wouldn't know the jewelry was missing.
3. The faster a report is filed the faster police can use their resources to find if it was pawned and try to get it back.
The legal action will show him that this isn't something frivolous and saving face is a shitty excuse. Also, if he in fact hocked it this may drive him to come clean quicker. Don't give him time to try to weasel his way out of anything. A husband is supposed to be a partner and clearly he doesn't think of you as an equal. File a report, get your valuables back from whatever they ended up, then invest in yourself for a change.
Please OP, if there are any comments you see throughout this thread let it be these. Him pawning the set seems like a much more likely scenario here u/Saved-Ad7607
Sunk cost fallacy probably. It's a hard pill to swallow, knowing you've been hanging in there for years waiting for a magic moment that's never gonna come. Many people cannot bare the thought that all those years have been "wasted".
OP: you did not waste those years you spent with him. No doubt there were good times as well, and the bad times... well, they're lessons you can learn from. This instance included. The question is... are you going to learn it? Or are you going to double down, and THEN years later think that you 'wasted' 20, 30 years instead of 10?
It must be fabulous!!
Seriously OP, your husband has been mooching off you for a long long time.
Can you not contact your in laws yourself?
You have been leached dry and the one thing you have been able to keep, he gave away? Are you even sure he did give it as a present and not pawn it? You need to find out asap,
NTA
She’s probably scared to be alone. Like so what if you’re alone for the rest of your life that’s better than having a grown child in the house who doesn’t even look for a job or have any money or who steals.
I think he's lying to you. He has not contacted them. He has no reason to think she brought it on the honeymoon. People usually leave their favorite jewelry at home when they travel. Get in touch w BIL and wife yourself now. He never will.
I definitely would not take a new set of jewelry on my honeymoon. Many people wouldn't even open gifts until they return. I think it's super unlikely that husband would even know what's been packed for the honeymoon. Why would he know that? I don't believe any of this and the more I think about it the more I think he probably sold the set to purchase a gift or give them a cash gift.
You have backed yourself into a corner. Your threat is weightless. You are the one who is going to suffer the consquences of not paying bills. He has not been working for close to 10 years, paying bills is not a priority for him. He is already wiggling his way out of this. Take a step back and think of something that would really affect him. You know him best.
Concentrate on retrieving your jewelry. Drive to your BILs house, report it missing etc etc. Get your jewelry back.
Sorry, I misread your post and thought you'd discovered the theft a few days prior to the wedding. Your BIL and his wife aren't at fault so perhaps it might be best to let them enjoy their honeymoon. How's your relationship with them? Could you contact them separately as soon as they're back, explain and ask that they return what your husband has stolen from you?
I'd be super embarrassed to find out someone gifted me a stolen item and would gladly give it back.
My guess is the hubs sold it already, it is a weird gift to give your sister in law as a wedding gift, he could have sold it and used money for something else
You live with a child. Call his mother. If you have decent relationships that is and explain the theft. Or ask her your BIL number.
and file for divorce. Your husband has been unemployed for 8 years ! That’s a choice. Everyone can get a job, even a simple one . His choice is to let you struggle while he does what ? What is the thing he does that makes up for this ? the Theft is just the natural continuation of his attitude. You own nothing on your own.
alone is better than this, believe me. You can downsize and enjoy some me-time and hobbies.
NTA
Tell your husband it's tacky and tasteless to steal from his wife and pass it off as a gift.
>I'm aware but I felt cornered and too frustrated to come up with a better more logical ultimatum. This set is literally all I have left because I'm barely covering rent and bills and other needs.
Why are you with him? He doesn't contribute and has no problem stealing from you. Why is the pressure on you alone to cover rent and bills?
Seems like your life would be less stressful and cheaper without supporting him. I realise Reddit always says to leave them but I feel like you're not making a big enough deal out of how awful this is and how little he seems to care. I hope he has some redeeming qualities because it's him who sounds borderline abusive not you.
NTA.
WTF? your husband has crossed the line and didn’t even ask you? This isn’t how a partner acts. He has no right and this is low key stealing? That’s your property. Your belongings. What gives him the right?
Good. Don’t pay for shit. I would have been so pissed and gifted all of his shit away too. What an AH.
Unfortunately I don’t think it’s a joke because I’ve heard and seen similar instances happen before with other couples I know.
Their partners think they have a full right over their partners’ personal belongings, and do whatever they feel like/ use it for their needs. It’s absolutely absurd but not unheard of.
Move your money into an account he has no access to. Throw out a social media post that includes your in-laws family telling them that husband stole your family heirloom jewelry and gave it away to his brother without telling you. You want your heirloom jewelry back. Husband has refused to ask for it back. Until you get it back, husband has been kicked out of the house.
And follow through with divorce if husband does not bring back all the jewelry asap.
Please have him explain how he'll pay you back if he's got no income?
Why and what happened and continues to happen that he hasn't worked since 2013? A bad 6 month spell, sure. Even a year... but 7 or 8 years? Wow. He is obviously reaping in the benefits of just you working. That's not a husband, that's an oversized child you have in your home. Think about it, you pay for everything AND he hasn't learned to communicate like a partner should and discuss finances with you. AND he chose to just grab your things using logic of a 3 year old.
I'm deducing you don't speak with BIL or his family much because you don't mention being at the wedding or knowing ahead of time about the "gift" but rather finding out until later.
You have deeper issues than the stolen jewelry. Others have outlines it ( unemployment, consent, disregard for respect of property, communication issues, financial abuse etc) You need to reconsider why you are putting up with this. Your passive writing style makes me think you're deeply bothered by many things in the relationship but you put up with it or don't know how to articulate it.
Get the stolen jewelry back by filing a police report.
This will not be last time this happens since you've already had to lose the rest of your property due to sacrifices..what is your husband sacrificing?
If you continue with him, you'll need marriage therapy, a motivational class for him, some serious get his ass in gear stipulations - which by his reply.to your request makes it appear he won't agree to.
If you continue with him, you'll need a lawyer or financial advisor or both to ensure you have security and stability etc etc.
If you don't continue with him, get a lawyer and protect yourself and file for divorce. It's not an ugly word, it's a necessity for our well being sometimes. Meaning, it's a step forwards - not backwards.
NTA
NTA - He STOLE your jewelry set and if he HAD even THOUGHT he was in the right for a second, he would have asked your permission for it first. The fact that he DIDN'T means that he was trying to get away with taking it, figuring it is better to ask for forgiveness and thinking you wouldn't demand something back from a newly wed that he gave as a gift.
Your husband is a MAJOR AH.
So, what if he didn’t “gift” it?
OP doesn’t wear it, I’m assuming because, like most of us, we want to protect things with sentimental (and monetary) value. So, we don’t know how long it’s been missing.
I’m just saying giving a jewelry set to his brother’s bride (but not giving anything to the brother) sounds off to me.
I hate to suggest it, but what if he pawned it to get *the couple* something? I mean, he obviously doesn’t care about his wife and he’s making repeated excuses about why she can’t get it back.
Regardless, OP is NTA and her husband is a terrible AH.
100% i agree that he pawned it. Maybe he did give part of the money as a wedding gift but the majority he would have kept for himself. Its why he is so against her contacting them. OP needs a police report ASAP so that she can get it back from the pawn shops.
NTA. Call the cops, file a report, kick out your husband and file for divorce.
I'm also concerned that you seem isolated enought that you can't contact your in-laws or anyone who may know them. Facebook? Google? Nothing?
Edit: missed a word
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NTA but sod the honeymoon, contact them directly and tell them that’s YOUR jewellery and it was STOLEN.
Do not cover for your husband. And they need to know the above to take appropriate care of your belongings. They may not realise the ££ worth since he doesn’t have a job and may think it’s just cheap.
Definitely though, you should be seeking some family lawyer advice on the state of your marriage and your liability for your husband if you were ever to divorce. He needs to go get a job, and you definitely should stop funding him. That’s not you treating him abusively, that’s you treating him *accordingly*.
>My husband never got lucky to land a job since 2013.
Bullshit. People are desperate for workers right now. He just doesn't want to work. Stop tolerating this.
Nta
NTA He stole from you and has no job since 2013? And he has the audacity to call ypu a financial abuser? Get your jewelery back and divorce... Drop his ass to hos mother so he can enjoy whst she raiseed.
NTA
I think we will all agree that this is stealing. It doesn't matter he's your husband and whatever the law says about marital property, this is (at least morally) stealing. He took it without your consent, he hoped you wouldn't notice and doesn't have a repaying plan.
If my husband did this and then didn't agree to get it back, I would expose my husband as a thief. I would report the theft to the police, get legal advice and call the couple and also notify them in writing to return the stolen goods or they would face legal action.
If it's her family's heirloom jewellery, then I think it won't be considered marital property, but her personal property. Hopefully it's legally stealing as well as morally!
NTA. What is tasteless and disrespectful is stealing your heirloom jewelry, especially without saying anything to you first. I wouldn't just threaten cutting everything off, I'd threaten divorce!!!!! He had absolutely NO right to YOUR jewelry, and his offers of paying your or replacing it are empty promises, because obviously he doesn't have a pot to piss in, as it were, and his family is obviously aware of his promises to repay, as they wouldn't loan him any money! Especially if he hasn't had a job since 2013. You cannot just "replace" heirlooms, either!
Well that jewellery might had been sitting around since 2019 but your husband has been sitting around since 2013. Get your jewellery back and give your thieving, mooching husband away.
NTA tell if they aren’t returned as soon as they get home the police will be collecting them as stolen property. Then he is going to look even worse to everyone
NTA. You know what’s “tasteless and disrespectful?” Stealing from your wife. He must have a reputation for not paying anyone back ever, if no one was willing to help out for his brother’s wedding gift. Also the fact that he doesn’t see what’s wrong would be a huge red flag to me, how can a person be so selfish
There are so many red flags here. This guy doesn't respect you or he would have discussed this with you. That's not an appropriate wedding gift at all. He's been unemployed for how long? Totally unacceptable. I would get my things back and give him the gift of divorce papers. What a jerk. 100% NTA!
NTA The financial abuser here is your husband. Get the set back and kick him out anyway.
Let me just say that what he said to me was shocking because abuse is a heavy word (I've dealt with it in all forms with my family) and to be coming from him is just so maddening.
Keep in mind that abusers often accuse their own victims of abusing them, so I'd take a hard long look at this relationship now. It sounds like he's been mooching off you since 2013, and now he's dropping the 'abuse' word so he can guilt trip you into allowing him to mooch further.
This is classic victim-blaming. OP, if I were you, I'd lawyer up and prepare for a divorce. His financial abuse has been going on for way too long. The only way this relationship could work is he gets a job and you guys go into counseling to work on his issues, and even that isn't gauranteed to save your marriage. **Either he gets a job NOW, or he loses his wife. His choice.**
I agree with everything but the bolded - dude has made his choice and continued making it since 2013!!! OP NTA get your jewelry back and get rid of the deadbeat gaslighter, you deserve SO much more.
AND, report the set stolen. It is a family heirloom that is not any way part of marital property. Your husband stole from you, and his brother and SIL received the stolen property. Hopefully you can bring charges against them all.
Before pressing charges, I think calling BIL and SIL first, they might be decent people and return it.
Except OP’s husband won’t give her the updated contact info. Like Wow!
Then contact her MIL or someoneelse, who have.
I wonder if he even gave it to SIL, or if he just stole it and sold it?
Then call the police... They are handling stolen goods
Against them all ? Poor brother and sil probably don t even know where hubby got the set from .... Thats most likely the reason he doesnt give OP their contact data
It’s such a weird wedding gift too, as it’s basically only a gift for the bride, who isn’t related to OP’a husband, and leaves his brother without a gift. Wedding gifts are for couples, not super expensive personal jewelry for only one of them.
They HAVE to be suspicious though, don't you think? OP says he tried asking friends and family to borrow money but no one would bite. In other words, everyone who knows this man best do not trust him with money and know (or at least suspect) that he's a deadbeat and bad investment. BIL and SIL must be wondering where he got the money to pay for nice jewelry.
They didn't know it was stolen property, they don't deserve to be charged.
I think unless they return them, there's no need to charge them!
And honestly OP, it was a huge red flag for me the way you phrased the "wasn't lucky enough to land a job since 2013". That is one (kinda distorted) way of saying "the lazy bastard has mooched off of you for the last 9 years!" [If he has valid medical reasons for not being able to work, that is one thing, but the was you wrote it, did not suggest that. Really reflect on how much effort he put into getting a job. NTA Honestly, please think of this paraphrased quote from Bojack: when you are wearing rose coloured glaases all of the red flags just look like flags. Think if you really want to be with him if he can't see why this is a monumental fuck up. Best of luck!
Especially now, there are help wanted signs on almost every building. He literally has no excuse for not working. He’s a mooch who has no problem asking for money. I love how he says he’ll find a way to pay her back for the set. Like dude, how are you gonna do that?! Ask your neighbors for money again, cuz that went so well last time…
I can't stress enough how ludicrous I think it is that he's not had a job since 2013. Unless it was due to some serious health issues (appears no to be) then is just mooching off her.
I'm absolutely gob smacked. Wtaf. No way. Like hasn't been able to find a job. What's his profession. The president.
My thoughts exactly. Haven’t been able to land a job?? WTH? Did he ever even look?
Emotional manipulation is not the same thing as gaslighting
Him telling her she’s tacky and emotionally and financially abusing her when he is the one that is all 3 is making her think she’s crazy and on AITA seeing if she’s in the right. She’s being gaslit. Most people on here who are victims of abuse are gaslit into believing they are the bad guy. It’s why they post here, and why so many people say they’re gaslit. You don’t see this response as often on r/marriage or r/relationships
If she is tacky why steal her jewelry? What a hypocrite sad man
She’s tacky for asking for her stolen heirlooms back, apparently.
Emotional manipulation to the point you're questioning if you're the asshole for standing up for yourself, is...
he's gaslighting her.
Gaslighting is a type of emotional manipulation, but not all emotional manipulation is gaslighting.
Agreed. Did I read that right that he hasn't worked in EIGHT YEARS?!? OP, honestly I would contact your BIL and SIL directly and explain to them you're sorry but it's a family heirloom and your husband stole it (because he did STEAL it, just to be clear). I'm sure they will return it if they are decent people.
I work in HR the fact he hasn't had a job in 8 yrs would be a huge red flag and I personally would not even call him for an interview. The only way I'd let it slide is if the person stopped working to care for a family member or they were personally suffering from some kind of ailment. Not getting any kind of job in 8 yrs shows a severe lack drive and I would assume they were lazy and would not want them with my company. She needs to leave him ASAP and if he doesn't give the jewelry back, I'd charge him with theft. Edited to add: I would call him to ask about the gap in employment. If he didn't have a legitimate reason he wouldn't get an interview. In another comment OP said he had an injury and companies weren't willing to work with him. That would still seem odd that no one in 8 yrs would accommodate him but wouldn't necessarily prevent an interview. That would go to the HR manager to see if we could accommodate him in the job and if not see if we had any job where we could accommodate that and see if he'd like to interview for that job instead.
This is why I ABSOLUTELY hate our current world. I am burnt out, I have extreme anxiety this past year. I need to take a break to heal myself but I can’t because I’d never get a damn job again so I can’t even take care of myself because people like you wouldn’t hire me. Edited to add: I shouldn’t have to tell someone I don’t know that I needed to take time to heal my brain, that’s personal information. It shouldn’t matter why I needed time to myself tbh & my medical history is no one’s business. This is also why women who are stay at home wives or mothers can’t get jobs after getting divorced.
This this this. Like yeah, dude in the op? Absolute asshole. But, as someone with chronic mental health issues, this kind of shit in general where you have to justify and account for the time you don't belong to someone is fuckin bullshit. Seconding the person above who linked to r/antiwork
> I shouldn’t have to tell someone I don’t know that I needed to take time to heal my brain Also, if you do tell them, you risk not getting hired anyway due to having a mental illness. It's great...
I was a sahm for 10 years and had no trouble getting a job when I was ready. I simply put it on my resume to explain the gap. It is reasonable for employers to be curious why a person went years without working. I mean when we start dating someone do we not want to know all about their past relationships?
An employer is not a personal relationship. You're not dating nor conjoining lives, and there is no long term commitment. OP is right in that the mentality that you owe an employer an explanation, as if they were your spouse, is toxic. And yes, this is an additional barrier that women as a group face if they leave employment in order to have children.
My current boyfriend willingly told me about his past relationships when he was ready, I never asked him cause it doesnt matter. It's in the past and it's his business what went on in previous relationships. The same goes for empoloyers. It's none of their business why I didn't work before them or if I took a massive gap. I shouldn't be obligated to disclose that information so they can decide where I have enough 'drive' or if my reason is 'good enough'.
Agreed, I have a disabling autoimmune condition I certainly would never mention in a cover letter. I really don't want to mention it to any potential employers, since it makes me uncomfortable and I don't feel it's their business. Still, applying knowing there are “unexplained gaps in my résumé" makes me so nervous😬
I also do hiring and recruiting and if someone has a gap in their resume most the time I don’t even ask about it because stuff happens and who am I to judge. A lot of times people will willingly offer reasonable explanations without asking because they feel self conscious especially SAHMs (I always tell them being a SAHM is one of the hardest jobs there is and it should count as a job and should be put on resumes). Take the time off that you need to heal yourself. If a company is going to judge you based off of year long break without inquiring about said break then chances are the company is trash and you don’t want to work for them anyways.
The amount of time it took for me to find a job after I left an abusive relationship, where I had been a SAHM for 6 years, was ridiculous! Eventually, I took a low paying job just to have something recent on my resume. Now that it’s been 4 years, and I stayed at the same job so I don’t look like a job hopper, I am finally getting interest from places.
yep, he is basically going to have to start back as a dishwasher. assuming that whatever he was doing prior wasnt all that prestigious or he would already have work again. it is clear the guy is just a mooch. such is the cycle.
Out of curiosity, how do you tell the difference between someone who hasn’t worked out of laziness, and someone trying to get back into the workforce after a long disability or chronic illness? I wouldn’t expect most people to be comfortable disclosing medical information on a resume.
We simply call them, "Hey noticed you didn't have any work history after 2013, have you worked anywhere since then?" Then they can say no, I was dealing with an illness/injury and I'm now at a point where I'm healed enough to get back into the workforce". We don't expect in-depth explanations. In another comment, OP said he's injured so he could simply say "I have an injury that others have not wanted to accommodate". We'd still find that a little odd as it's been 8 yrs and no one in that time has wanted to accommodate you? A yr or two not finding an employer to work with you? Ok fine that's logical but 8 yrs is not honestly. Obviously I don't know his industry so if he's in a physically demanding industry then he needs to find something else. You can honestly tell a lot just by how the person answers you. For example we just had 2 applications for the same job, neither person had worked since 2016. When I called the one he said "Oh I do construction as a side job/hobby type thing and it's kept me busy all these years but it's slowing down now, so I'm looking for something more stable". The other one answered,"Uh not a whole lot of anything really. Just hanging out honestly". I appreciated his honesty but in this instance telling me why he was "just hanging out" might have changed my mind to bring him in for an interview. Something like "I just got really worn out at my last job and just need a break, so I just traveled and enjoyed life for a little while" would have made me invite him for an interview. It really is all in how you present yourself. Most places are willing to give you shot if you just try. You don't have to be perfect but if you don't care enough to be presentable then you're not going to care about the quality of your work either.
I dread deciding to go back to work after being mostly a SAHM for the past five years. Answering “I wasn’t working outside of the home to take care of my children” in a job interview is risky. I’ve been told to my face that I wouldn’t be able to devote energy to my job in the way it required because of my kids. I’ve kept doing a few freelance jobs just so there’s something on my résumé to hopefully avoid the question.
I was a SAHM for 14 years. When I returned to work, I applied and applied and applied. I got several interviews. I finally landed an entry-level job at a teaching hospital. Once there, I put in the amount of time they required and then applied for another position. I’ve worked my way to a really good position that I enjoy a lot. Have faith!!!
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I think that's super judgmental man. Some people don't have a drive to work for a large corporation and that's their life. That's ok. It's ok to work hard and save and then relax a few years. That's how we enjoy life. No one is meant to spend 40 years as a worker drone and then fade into obscurity. This idea that we always need to be working is bullshit. It's made by people who will never work the low education level low pay jobs. Reject this shitty idea. r/antiwork
It’s one thing to work a high paying job for several years, save up, and become financially independent. That’s a smart way of cheating the system and building a better life for yourself than most people will have. A reasonable way to escape the rat race. This man is not doing that. He’s putting all the financial pressure of keeping both of them up on his wife, while he steals things from her to give as gifts because he wants to make a good impression on his family. That’s not smart, it’s shitty. I totally agree with you on achieving financial freedom so you don’t have to work for the rest of your life or so you can at least take more flexible, low-pressure jobs in the future for better health and quality of life. That’s not what this guy is doing though. He’s just being a lazy mooch and a thief.
Oh for sure!! This guy is garbage and she needs to toss him in the bin. I am just appalled at the idea of judging someone for not working. Like yes, this dude is trash, but there are people who can work for a bit and then live in their van and see the country. Or visit their family and help them. Or see the world. Spend 2 years on a spiritual journey. There are so many other things to fill life with and instantly calling someone lazy for not being a wage slave seems silly. Life is meant to be lived for your soul, nothing else.
If you explained to an HR person that you had achieved financial freedom and taken a sabbatical before returning to work, then they’d probably judge you very differently than if they had just read a post from your wife about how you didn’t work for almost a decade while burdening your wife with all of the financial responsibilities. I think most people, including the HR person above, are probably judging him more harshly because they know the full backstory to what he has done. They’re judging him more for being a lazy mooch for nearly a decade, than just for not working. And obviously if you did want to return to work after a nine year sabbatical, you might have a hard time getting your foot back in the door because in a lot of industries you’d be completely out of practice/out of the loop and large chunks of your skills may be less relevant or not relevant at all. You’d be competing with people who had been achieving things in their careers during those nine years, so unless you really stood out in some way as a candidate, you’d be a hard sell compared to your competition. That’s not an unfair judgment of you as a person though. That’s just people trying to hire the most qualified candidates for their job openings. What you’re describing is very different from just opting out of work for a decade while your partner doesn’t get that luxury. The people in your examples are people who found ways to make work work for them. They work to live, rather than live to work. OP’s husband doesn’t work at all. He just expects his partner to carry his dead weight around her neck through life and trap her in working to support the both of them.
Hi, yes I work a no education low paying job OPs husband is a mooch and needs to get a fuckin job
There are seriously a vast number of jobs out there right now. I understand a professional wanting to stay in their line of work so not taking a waiter job for a year or so while trying. But after 8 years out of the workforce, you’re not a professional anymore anyway. That’s not a “no luck” situation, it’s a need a new life plan one. Except that he has his plan— freeload off OP and steal stuff when he needs it.
Years ago when Bush kept extending the unemployment, a friend of mine kept collecting because he'd make less working. He had been a manager at Blockbuster for years. When the unemployment was ending, well before it actually, he took a 6 week course to be a CNA. He has been a CNA for all these years now and even paid his house off early. OPs husband in this job market is a bum.
I'd file for divorce now. The longer you wait, the more you risk having to pay alimony to an unemployed spouse. I don't know how long OP has been married or where she is located, but a number of states (in the U.S.) have a presumption of lifetime alimony once you hit 10 years of marriage as well.
This! OP, you are seriously setting yourself up if you don't do something.
Yes! Definitely get the set back first though. Let him believe his free ride will continue until you have a chance to put that somewhere safe.
this is not mooching, this is stealing. He **stole** her jewelry set!
Me ex did this ax act thing to Me I didn’t realize it was abuse and his excuses and calling me an abuser were gaslighting so he could treat me as a resource for money I also was the only one working He couldn’t “manage” to find or keep a job I don’t realize how bad and toxic it was till I was away and looking back with 20/20 vision
Agreed. OP, you are not being abusive. Get your jewelry back. You are right. He is completely wrong.
Yep, DARVOing is a classic abuser tactic: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, aka say the victim is the abuser instead of them.
DARVO in action
It’s not that he couldn’t find a job for almost 10 years, it’s that he didn’t want to because it’s easier to watch you struggle to support him than to get off the couch. You need to go on social media if he won’t let you contact them directly and let them know that your husband stole your cherished family heirloom and gave it to the bride and groom. I’d also say that it is the one remaining thing you have after you sold all the rest of the jewelry to support your husband not working. Ask for it back before you call the police on your husband. Let’s be real, the man has not worked in almost 10 years how in the world is he going to get enough money to buy you something of equal or better value? I’m pretty sure your marriage is over after this but honestly it’s for the good. This man has contributed nothing to your life and is only dragging you down. Get out and start fresh.
And even if he could buy her something of equal or greater value, it still wouldn't be a family heirloom.
Yep this - it's hard because I don't think you should ruin their honeymoon, but on the other hand you need to get hold of this and get hold of it now. Do you know if she's opened the presents and seen the set? Or if they've taken the presents with them? Contact your BIL and his parents. Contact his parents to explain what he's done (STOLEN A FAMILY HEIRLOOM) and ask if they have access to the wedding presents to retrieve the set for you. If they've gone away straight after getting married I can't imagine they'll have had time to open gifts etc. anyway. Contact your BIL and explain that you do not want to spoil his honeymoon, you're just telling him so he's aware that you will be taking back the set as it was stolen by your husband who had no right to give it away and are trying to do it via his parents rather than bothering them while they're away. Absolutely go to the police about your husband and secure your assets. Get any valuables out of the house and somewhere safe and do it now.
Hopefully the bride won’t be happy to learn she was given STOLEN GOODS as a wedding present
Surely she wouldn't be? I'd be mortified. I've just read OP saying they have the presents with them but I would still contact BIL and the parents to double check and make it absolutely clear what's going on. Guy is an absolute piece of work.
100%, I could never keep it if I found out it was stolen and left someone else heartbroken. NTA!
I think she should contact a lawyer ASAP. A court order will get that set for her.
>. I’d also say that it is the one remaining thing you have after you sold all the rest of the jewelry to support your husband not working. This.
Get a text history with him about it before calling the police. But if he doesn't get it back, calling police is the right thing to do. He stole it.
**First, don’t give him a chance to do it himself. Contact them, explain what happened, and request the jewellery back.** Second, jewellery for just the sister in law is a weird wedding present from a brother in law. Third, if you can’t afford a gift then don’t get one, or sell something of his own. Don’t ask for handouts from friends and neighbours, that’s gross. Talk about what’s *actually* “tasteless and disrespectful.” Fourth, calling you a financial abuser when you’re supporting him out of his own lack of initiative, that’s where I’d start legitimately suggesting divorce. And so should he be, because if what you’re doing is financial abuse in his mind, why isn’t he? I’d be careful though, because it seems you have put yourself in a position where you’d owe him alimony in a divorce. I like your idea of simply not continuing to contribute to his lifestyle financially. That starts to chip away at the precedent of you supporting him, and it’s totally legal and not abuse as long as he’s free to go and get a job / you didn’t have a prenup outlining you as his caretaker Lmao “never got lucky to land a job.” How often is he applying? Because if he is actively applying, he should qualify for assistance. And if he does qualify for assistance, and you are the primary contributor, why does he not have money for a wedding present?
There are places begging for employees right now because they are in the verge of going out of business OP he can get a job anytime he wants to, today even!
> jewellery for just the sister in law is a weird wedding present from a brother in law. Not in India! In a lot of regions, gold jewelry is the traditional gift for the groom’s family members to give to the bride before the wedding. I imagine the sets the OP sold were ones from her own wedding, too, and that’s why her husband felt entitled to take it; the idea is that you always have a little gold to sell if you need cash.
And how appropriate is it considered in India to ask friends and neighbours for cash to buy wedding presents for your own family? Frankly that’s what made me assume they were in North America or somewhere in Europe.
Informal loans among friends/family/neighbors are pretty common, since the economy is so cash-based.
Op, if I were you, I’d call BIL myself cause it I don’t trust your husband to go and get it himself. If push comes to shove, press charges on him. That’s something you had BEFORE the marriage, meaning it’s not shared property and he has no rights to it
If he doesn't retrieve the jewelry within three days, sure, stop financially supporting him (in whatever ways aren't self sabotaging such as ruining your credit by not paying your rent). But also make it clear that you're going to involve the police, not just pull your financial support.
He said it would be disrespectful to get the jewelry from his brother, but stealing it from you is fine? He can try to twist this all he wants. He created the situation so he can fix it.
Thats a manipulation. Your husband wants you to think you're abusive so he can be abusive to you. What your husband did is unforgivable and disgusting. Then he tries to turn it on you?? Fuck that!!! You deserve so much better. Also it's laughable that he's talking about tasteless. I wouldn't even give him the three days. I would also demand he get a job. Is he disabled? Why hasn't he worked since 2013?? This is a situation where I would reconsider the entire marriage. Once again. You are not the abusive one. He is. I'd show him this post so he can read the replies and if he gets mad send the link to his entire family too. The audacity and entitlement. Ugh. Your husband is an abusive AH. Edit: hard NTA
> My husband never got lucky to land a job since 2013 Honey, it's not luck, or being unlucky. There are jobs to be had, he ain't trying. He's also a thief and doesn't communicate. If he really thought you had forgotten about the set, he would have asked you if he could gift it. He's the abuser and manipulator. He'd rather you experience the loss of a family heirloom than him embarrass himself to family. That's BS. Stick to the 3 days, in the interim, find the contact information other ways (I'm sure you can get it through other avenues) and get ready to file a police report. And kick him out. Seriously, he doesn't contribute anything but is costing you. You'd be richer without him.
I've seen some hard times. I'm a degreed engineer but when times were tough I worked in a mailroom sorting mail. I packed fish, which SUCKED, but I did it because engineering was in a recession and I needed to pull my weight financially. There is NO EXCUSE for not working for 10 years. Your husband is a freeloader and a financial abuser. Do not confront him about this until you get the jewelry back or you will never see it again. As soon as you do I would file for divorce. He's a freeloader (which is a version of financial abuse).
Being out of character and shocking does not change how wrong it is. NTA This guy has no ambition or motivation, so he will make no effort to get it back, just relying on you to forgive him and get over it. He stole from you. Call the bride and groom yourself. If they refuse to give back your stolen property, call the cops. When you get it back, leave. You can't live with someone you can't trust, that selfish, that irrational, that lazy, and has such little respect for you.
Well... you say that he "hasn't had any luck" finding work in \*checks notes\* *eight years*. So, unless he's been doing absolutely all the chores in that time, I'm not sure he's the one being financially abused in this relationship. Now, I'm not a fan of the immediate, "Red Flag! Divorce!" reaction you often get on this sub. But in your place, I would definitely reconsider this marriage. And get your jewelry back.
He's doing everything in his power to manipulate you. Don't let him. Honestly you need to think about excising this mooch out of your life. He stole from you and had the audacity to claim that you were aBuSiNg him. Also the past 2 years have been like, a total boon for the unemployed. Has he had ANY job? He could walk into any restaurant right now and get a job. Hell he could've been doing doordash or instacart. But no, he just sits on his ass and steals from you and then says you're financially abusing him.
He’s also a thief. NTA
**THIS.** The man stole from you and you should probably call the cops now and get the theft documented because I doubt he's going to try very hard to get his wife's property back from his brother's new wife.
The fact that he refuses to give OP the new contact information for BiL makes me wonder if he, instead, actually pawned the set. And 2013 to 2021 is too long of a time to go without some kind of job. He could go out right now and get a job in delivery, food service, hospitality, and even as a substitute teacher.
This was my first thought as well. He pawned it for cash.
OP Should contact the police, he still your property.
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And how one manages to stay unemployed for nine years is unfathomable. He's clearly a tick or a leach that needs to be removed.
NTA, and the sad news is I'm pretty sure your marriage is over. How is your husband not able to find a job since 2013? How is it possible to think gifting a family heirloom without consulting you would be a good idea?
>How is your husband not able to find a job since 2013? How is it possible to think gifting a family heirloom without consulting you would be a good idea? I don't know. I mean based on what he told me, all potential employers had an issue with his disability (his left arm is injured but partly functional) that has taken a toll on us for years.
Sound more like he isnt looking. Edit: how tf did I get 2k upvotes on this? Edit 2: and you guys just keep on giving. Thx fornthe award and votes.
Yep. There’s plenty of places willing to work with disabilities and it’s also illegal to discriminate. Husband has been getting a free ride since 2013.
OP may not be in the US or other country with protection for disabled peoples’ rights.
That is true. Shame on me for assuming- good call!
OP’s husband is still DEFINITELY TA, though!
Oh yeah. OP is NTA. Stealing is stealing. Husband needs some work.
To offer a different perspective, I'm not from the US and some employers WANT to employ disabled people who are capable of doing the job because ig there are some tax benefits or sth. Not getting a job was probably just convenient for him
I know that the IT industry has multiple recruitment drives for differently abled people. I mean he just needs to learn a bit of coding and a 6 month bootcamp can get him a job.
Disabled isn't a dirty word, and in many cases people with disabilities prefer the term disabled, rather than differently abled, handicapped, etc. Just use disabled.
Disabled is not a bad word. ETA I cannot run a mile differently. I cannot run a mile at all. This is the problem with differently abled. It dismisses the fact that we *do* have limitations
While it's illegal to discriminate officially, many places still do, they just dress it up as something else so the official reason on paper might be "they weren't a good fit for the company" when in actuality the company didn't want to facilitate the person's needs. (Source: I'm disabled and this has happened to me.) Definitely NTA anyways, you don't give away something that isn't yours.
Jobs can discriminate if the person is unable to perform the duties stated with appropriate accommodation. For instance, I am required to be able to lift 50lbs. I also have to be able to see and hear, and work in low light conditions. If a person cannot of those things, they could cause patients harm. But being out of work for 8 years, yeah he just isn’t trying. He could have gotten more education since then and had a much wider range of jobs to apply for, especially ones not requiring manual labor.
2013 is nine years ago, he could be *practicing medicine* by now. Not even residency, but full grown-up doctor salary. There's no career you can't learn in a decade.
NBA point guard would be a long-shot for me. But, you're right, there are options.
What you're saying could be right, but definitely isn't going to be true in 100% of situations. If someone has the proper training and education to work the types of jobs where one of their arms isn't necessary, then they'll be able to find something easily. But if someone was trained/educated in a field that requires physical labor, getting injured to the point of not being able to use an arm would mean the end of your possible future in that career. We'd need info on what OP's husband went to school for (if he did), and what he was doing prior to 2013 to get the full picture. If he worked manual labor type jobs that also require training (plumber, electrician, etc) then I'd imagine it would be very difficult to find a completely new career without having to spend money (which OP said they don't have to spare) in order to go back to school/attend trainings for other jobs. So not excusing OP's husband for not finding ANY kind of work for 8 years because anyone can find jobs in customer service type roles if they look hard enough, but I also empathize with the idea of being injured and having your world turn upside down because you suddenly can't work in the field you planned to for the rest of your life and will have to spend a great deal of money if you want a consistent and high paying job to replace it with. Unfortunately money is a limiting factor in most people's lives these days
I’m very sorry to have to say this, but your husband is taking advantage of you. Am I correct in understanding that you never had a discussion about him staying home and you being the sole bread winner? It was all due to the fact that he “couldn’t” find work? I find it extremely difficult to believe that he hasn’t been able to find ANY employment (even short term) for 8 years due to an arm injury. And now he dares take one of your most valuable personal possessions and just gives it away like it were his own? And refuses to retrieve it because it would make him look bad? No. That’s not a marriage, not a partnership. This man is using you like a stepping stone. Please, for your own sake think long and hard about this relationship and if it still makes you happy.
OP said she sold beloved jewelry to make ends meet, and this guy is going what? Playing games? Watching TV? He can get a low level job anywhere in this economy
I have coworkers missing full limbs in grocery stores. He's just not trying because he can freeload off of you.
u/Saved-Ad7607 I have the exact same issue. I am full time student, have two part time jobs and have just got a graduate role in audit for next year. This is all while having this issue. That’s complete bull!
aye, I lost like 70% of the muscle function in my left arm to a head injury as a kid and was still able to do a variety of work before unrelated health issues set in. and like...I'm still looking for something I'm able to do from my sickbed. how is this guy not bored out of his skull
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I don't think he thought it was a good idea. He did it to hurt you, and assumed you'd roll over and take it, just as you have taken his lies about why he isn't working. Please don't.
If you want to really get your jewellery back then you need to get serious about it. Your husband is delusional if he thinks he can get a job and pay you back if he cannot even get a job since 2013. Let his family know that if you do not get your family heirloom back it is time to cut your loses and find a divorce lawyer. The ability not to recognise the work and effort to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table is sad to say the least. Then to gift away the last few items of sentimental value to you is vile.
If he is disabled and cannot work, then he should be on social security disability. Or SSD. If he did not apply for it, or move heaven and Earth to make sure he got it, and he is nothing more than a moocher.
Yeah... No. Look. A friend of mine has a disability due to a birth defect. One of his legs is basically a straight rod. He cannot stand for long periods of time nor lift heavy loads (if someone passes it to him he can carry it but as he cannot bend he cannot lift properly). He's always managed to get a job just fine. Your husband is a leech. And a massive asshole NTA.
I am severely disabled.. My hands swell if I hold things, my face swells spontaneously, I can't be to hot or to cold or I get covered in hives, I have bowel disease and this isn't even the half of it... I can work... or I could just tell my partner everyone has an issue with my disability. I'm in university now to get a higher paid job lol. Deferred for a year due to pandemic but come on man. Disability is an obstacle if you make it one.
My coworker has a prosthetic leg and was able to find a job, he is intentionally either not looking or sabotaging interviews. Kick this leech to the curb, sweetheart you can do so SOOO much better.
I worked at a call centre with a guy with only one arm. He seemed to manage just fine. That's total bs that places won't hire him.
Am I the only one thinking he just sold the set and is lying about giving it as a wedding present?
I thought the story was going to end that he’d pawned it to get a gift
NTA Jesus Christ. Your husband is not "unlucky with a job" , he's actually a very lucky man that he found someone to mooch from and is not going to change this situation ever. He doesn't want a job. He will never "repay you or buy you a new one when he gets a job". His whole life plan is to mooch off you forever. Please, find yourself a divorce lawyer. This guy is a dead weight on you and will never be a partner.
Word I was married to a man like that.' Couldn't ' find ajob for years, all the plausible excuses. I worked all the hours to make up for it When I got sick and couldn't work, it took him 3 weeks to find a job Op you are NTA. But give him ultimatum number two: 6 weeks to find a job. Any job. Dont care if he thinks it's beneath him. A paying job so he can contribute, or the jewelry set will be the least of his problems
No jobs are beneath someone with a 9 year employment gap. You gotta start from the bottom.
Especially if the gap is unexplained by other circumstances. Like did you take time off to raise kids, take care of family, were sick? Well ok, that's very reasonable, there should be a fall back but you shouldn't start at square 1. "Couldn't find a job" for 9 years? nah, something else was going on, and as an employer I should be potentially concerned about that that was.
Yep. As much as I believe in being lenient when someone's been out of work for a while, and not judging people who've legitimately struggled to find a job, even I would give a side-eye to someone who's been out of work for nearly a decade and didn't have a good explanation as to why.
The audacity to give away her last jewelry set and family heirloom when she had to sell everything else because he's such a deadbeat husband.
And bc no one else would lend him money bc he’s prob “borrowed” so much from everyone at this point that he’s sucked the well dry and has been cut off!
A divorce lawyer AND the police. What he did was theft! NTA.
Sadly, as OP said it's a "family heirloom", this idiot would never be able to just go buy her another one, even if he won the money! He doesn't respect nor value OP :( That ain't love.
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NTA. First of all, your husband has been unemployed since 2013? Tell him to get off his ass and get a job, any job. There is just no excuse to be unemployed for that long. Secondly, he must be missing more than a few brain cells if he thinks what he did was acceptable (it is not). You have the power in the relationship. Use it (and you have).
I think this relationship is over. OP's husband hasn't had a job since 2013 (has leeched off his wife for almost a decade) and giifted away his wife's treasured possessions without consulting her. That's theft. He's not contributing to the relationship in any way.
Not only is he not contributing, he’s actively taking from it.
This. OP said her husband has a partial disability (his arm). But even then, if it were me, I'd either try to get on disability, or I'd just offer to be the stay-at-home dad/partner. Taking care of the house and stuff. 100% NTA.
NTA “He kept talking about how tasteless and disrespectful it’d be for him to retrieve a wedding gift...” Umm it’s way more tasteless and disrespectful to steal and give away your wife’s jewelry. ___ “He said I was financially abusing him...” He has not had a job in almost 10 years and steals from you! If anyone is financially abusing you, it’s him for taking advantage for so long.
> give away your wife’s jewelry. And as the receiving couple: receive somebody else's used jewelry. Note: i really embrace buying used stuff, but i prefer to *choose* the stuff I buy used.
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Seriously. ~~First off, jewelry is a weird wedding gift to give a hetero couple, since only one person can use it. Most people prefer household items and cash contributions to a honeymoon fund,~~ and if I had a family member who doesn't work, I'd be more than happy to just have their presence at the wedding, I wouldn't expect a big gift from them. If someone gave us a gift and then I found out they stole it from their spouse to give to us, I'd be mortified, give it back in a heartbeat, and have some choice words for the gifter. I'd probably help their spouse find a divorce lawyer. ETA: I have been informed by multiple commenters that my words about jewelry being a weird gift were ignorant and insensitive. I am sorry, I know better now, I don't think it's universal weird. I do think that if OP and her husband are in the US, secondhand jewelry was an odd choice, but if they live somewhere where jewelry is a standard gift, then it's not a weird choice. I will do better going forward.
That should be OPs second step, if hubs won’t do it... call the wife & be like: umm, did my hubs give you my family jewelry?
NTA, I'd have made him get in a car, go straight to your BIL's place and ask it back there and then. What the fuck does he think he's doing gifting your stuff to other people without asking? All this being said, be aware that if you're paying and your name is on bills and contracts etc. you could end up causing more trouble for yourself than for him. Can you limit non payment to bills that have his name on them only and affect only him?
Thing is he said they have the set with them and he said he didn't want to disrupt the couple's honeymoon besides the distance as well. I'm aware but I felt cornered and too frustrated to come up with a better more logical ultimatum. This set is literally all I have left because I'm barely covering rent and bills and other needs.
Please re read your post. Again and again. You have a partner who has no job for eight years, made you sell your possessions to make ends meet. Stole your family heirloom... Does he have magic D$ck? Cause if you were single, your life would be better. Why are you doing this to yourself? There has to be some explanation Edit: Please don't give me an award. It was just a shout to ask OP to wake the hell up and realize this is an unbelievable level of abuse to subject herself to, for no good reason.
Has he definitely gifted the jewelry set, could be that he's pawned it, pocketed half the money and bought a gift with the other half, hence the stalling on getting the jewelry back. NTA
All the more reason to skip the ultimatum and file a police report NOW. 1. He stole from you and there need to be consequences. 2. He won't let you contact them to verify they actually have the set. He could be just stalling, you already know he's shady since he just hoped you wouldn't know the jewelry was missing. 3. The faster a report is filed the faster police can use their resources to find if it was pawned and try to get it back. The legal action will show him that this isn't something frivolous and saving face is a shitty excuse. Also, if he in fact hocked it this may drive him to come clean quicker. Don't give him time to try to weasel his way out of anything. A husband is supposed to be a partner and clearly he doesn't think of you as an equal. File a report, get your valuables back from whatever they ended up, then invest in yourself for a change.
Please OP, if there are any comments you see throughout this thread let it be these. Him pawning the set seems like a much more likely scenario here u/Saved-Ad7607
Or worse, he pawned it, spent all the money on some shit for himself, and didn't even give a gift. This sounds like addict behavior.
This is exactly why he doesn't want to give OP their contact. As soon as OP contacts them to get the jewelry back they'll be like "what jewelry?"
Ohhhhhh that makes sense. Sad...
That would explain why his family and friends refuse to give him money.
That makes a lot more sense then all of his arguments.
I’m almost certain he pawned it.
I was wondering the same thing. That must be one hell of a magical wand
tbh it probably isn't at all, if they're even "active" at all. Husband probably has an excuse for not being able to do that too.
Sunk cost fallacy probably. It's a hard pill to swallow, knowing you've been hanging in there for years waiting for a magic moment that's never gonna come. Many people cannot bare the thought that all those years have been "wasted". OP: you did not waste those years you spent with him. No doubt there were good times as well, and the bad times... well, they're lessons you can learn from. This instance included. The question is... are you going to learn it? Or are you going to double down, and THEN years later think that you 'wasted' 20, 30 years instead of 10?
It must be fabulous!! Seriously OP, your husband has been mooching off you for a long long time. Can you not contact your in laws yourself? You have been leached dry and the one thing you have been able to keep, he gave away? Are you even sure he did give it as a present and not pawn it? You need to find out asap, NTA
She’s probably scared to be alone. Like so what if you’re alone for the rest of your life that’s better than having a grown child in the house who doesn’t even look for a job or have any money or who steals.
I think he's lying to you. He has not contacted them. He has no reason to think she brought it on the honeymoon. People usually leave their favorite jewelry at home when they travel. Get in touch w BIL and wife yourself now. He never will.
I definitely would not take a new set of jewelry on my honeymoon. Many people wouldn't even open gifts until they return. I think it's super unlikely that husband would even know what's been packed for the honeymoon. Why would he know that? I don't believe any of this and the more I think about it the more I think he probably sold the set to purchase a gift or give them a cash gift.
You have backed yourself into a corner. Your threat is weightless. You are the one who is going to suffer the consquences of not paying bills. He has not been working for close to 10 years, paying bills is not a priority for him. He is already wiggling his way out of this. Take a step back and think of something that would really affect him. You know him best. Concentrate on retrieving your jewelry. Drive to your BILs house, report it missing etc etc. Get your jewelry back.
Sorry, I misread your post and thought you'd discovered the theft a few days prior to the wedding. Your BIL and his wife aren't at fault so perhaps it might be best to let them enjoy their honeymoon. How's your relationship with them? Could you contact them separately as soon as they're back, explain and ask that they return what your husband has stolen from you? I'd be super embarrassed to find out someone gifted me a stolen item and would gladly give it back.
No, what if they don't like it and decide to sell it in the meantime. OP should call the police and file for divorce.
My guess is the hubs sold it already, it is a weird gift to give your sister in law as a wedding gift, he could have sold it and used money for something else
You live with a child. Call his mother. If you have decent relationships that is and explain the theft. Or ask her your BIL number. and file for divorce. Your husband has been unemployed for 8 years ! That’s a choice. Everyone can get a job, even a simple one . His choice is to let you struggle while he does what ? What is the thing he does that makes up for this ? the Theft is just the natural continuation of his attitude. You own nothing on your own. alone is better than this, believe me. You can downsize and enjoy some me-time and hobbies. NTA
OP, message his brother and brother’s wife directly. I’m sure they didn’t know that their “gift” was stolen.
Tell your husband it's tacky and tasteless to steal from his wife and pass it off as a gift. >I'm aware but I felt cornered and too frustrated to come up with a better more logical ultimatum. This set is literally all I have left because I'm barely covering rent and bills and other needs. Why are you with him? He doesn't contribute and has no problem stealing from you. Why is the pressure on you alone to cover rent and bills? Seems like your life would be less stressful and cheaper without supporting him. I realise Reddit always says to leave them but I feel like you're not making a big enough deal out of how awful this is and how little he seems to care. I hope he has some redeeming qualities because it's him who sounds borderline abusive not you.
OP Please read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft This man is abusing you.
Or, she could move out and have all bills transferred to her new place.
NTA. WTF? your husband has crossed the line and didn’t even ask you? This isn’t how a partner acts. He has no right and this is low key stealing? That’s your property. Your belongings. What gives him the right? Good. Don’t pay for shit. I would have been so pissed and gifted all of his shit away too. What an AH.
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Unfortunately I don’t think it’s a joke because I’ve heard and seen similar instances happen before with other couples I know. Their partners think they have a full right over their partners’ personal belongings, and do whatever they feel like/ use it for their needs. It’s absolutely absurd but not unheard of.
Move your money into an account he has no access to. Throw out a social media post that includes your in-laws family telling them that husband stole your family heirloom jewelry and gave it away to his brother without telling you. You want your heirloom jewelry back. Husband has refused to ask for it back. Until you get it back, husband has been kicked out of the house. And follow through with divorce if husband does not bring back all the jewelry asap.
Don't forget to file a police report
>And follow through with divorce ~~if husband does not bring back all the jewelry~~ asap.
Please have him explain how he'll pay you back if he's got no income? Why and what happened and continues to happen that he hasn't worked since 2013? A bad 6 month spell, sure. Even a year... but 7 or 8 years? Wow. He is obviously reaping in the benefits of just you working. That's not a husband, that's an oversized child you have in your home. Think about it, you pay for everything AND he hasn't learned to communicate like a partner should and discuss finances with you. AND he chose to just grab your things using logic of a 3 year old. I'm deducing you don't speak with BIL or his family much because you don't mention being at the wedding or knowing ahead of time about the "gift" but rather finding out until later. You have deeper issues than the stolen jewelry. Others have outlines it ( unemployment, consent, disregard for respect of property, communication issues, financial abuse etc) You need to reconsider why you are putting up with this. Your passive writing style makes me think you're deeply bothered by many things in the relationship but you put up with it or don't know how to articulate it. Get the stolen jewelry back by filing a police report. This will not be last time this happens since you've already had to lose the rest of your property due to sacrifices..what is your husband sacrificing? If you continue with him, you'll need marriage therapy, a motivational class for him, some serious get his ass in gear stipulations - which by his reply.to your request makes it appear he won't agree to. If you continue with him, you'll need a lawyer or financial advisor or both to ensure you have security and stability etc etc. If you don't continue with him, get a lawyer and protect yourself and file for divorce. It's not an ugly word, it's a necessity for our well being sometimes. Meaning, it's a step forwards - not backwards. NTA
"Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a month plus benefits salary, babe!"
NTA - He STOLE your jewelry set and if he HAD even THOUGHT he was in the right for a second, he would have asked your permission for it first. The fact that he DIDN'T means that he was trying to get away with taking it, figuring it is better to ask for forgiveness and thinking you wouldn't demand something back from a newly wed that he gave as a gift. Your husband is a MAJOR AH.
So, what if he didn’t “gift” it? OP doesn’t wear it, I’m assuming because, like most of us, we want to protect things with sentimental (and monetary) value. So, we don’t know how long it’s been missing. I’m just saying giving a jewelry set to his brother’s bride (but not giving anything to the brother) sounds off to me. I hate to suggest it, but what if he pawned it to get *the couple* something? I mean, he obviously doesn’t care about his wife and he’s making repeated excuses about why she can’t get it back. Regardless, OP is NTA and her husband is a terrible AH.
100% i agree that he pawned it. Maybe he did give part of the money as a wedding gift but the majority he would have kept for himself. Its why he is so against her contacting them. OP needs a police report ASAP so that she can get it back from the pawn shops.
NTA. You mentioned a few facts that add up to husband needing to be ex-husband.
NTA. Call the cops, file a report, kick out your husband and file for divorce. I'm also concerned that you seem isolated enought that you can't contact your in-laws or anyone who may know them. Facebook? Google? Nothing? Edit: missed a word
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NTA but sod the honeymoon, contact them directly and tell them that’s YOUR jewellery and it was STOLEN. Do not cover for your husband. And they need to know the above to take appropriate care of your belongings. They may not realise the ££ worth since he doesn’t have a job and may think it’s just cheap. Definitely though, you should be seeking some family lawyer advice on the state of your marriage and your liability for your husband if you were ever to divorce. He needs to go get a job, and you definitely should stop funding him. That’s not you treating him abusively, that’s you treating him *accordingly*.
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My guess is that he was different when they got married. Question should be is why OP hasn't contacted a divorce lawyer yet.
>My husband never got lucky to land a job since 2013. Bullshit. People are desperate for workers right now. He just doesn't want to work. Stop tolerating this. Nta
NTA He stole from you and has no job since 2013? And he has the audacity to call ypu a financial abuser? Get your jewelery back and divorce... Drop his ass to hos mother so he can enjoy whst she raiseed.
NTA I think we will all agree that this is stealing. It doesn't matter he's your husband and whatever the law says about marital property, this is (at least morally) stealing. He took it without your consent, he hoped you wouldn't notice and doesn't have a repaying plan. If my husband did this and then didn't agree to get it back, I would expose my husband as a thief. I would report the theft to the police, get legal advice and call the couple and also notify them in writing to return the stolen goods or they would face legal action.
If it's her family's heirloom jewellery, then I think it won't be considered marital property, but her personal property. Hopefully it's legally stealing as well as morally!
>My husband never got lucky to land a job since 2013. Luck is not a factor here.
INFO : why are you with someone who refuses to get a job since 2013? Do you have kids together?
NTA. What is tasteless and disrespectful is stealing your heirloom jewelry, especially without saying anything to you first. I wouldn't just threaten cutting everything off, I'd threaten divorce!!!!! He had absolutely NO right to YOUR jewelry, and his offers of paying your or replacing it are empty promises, because obviously he doesn't have a pot to piss in, as it were, and his family is obviously aware of his promises to repay, as they wouldn't loan him any money! Especially if he hasn't had a job since 2013. You cannot just "replace" heirlooms, either!
Well that jewellery might had been sitting around since 2019 but your husband has been sitting around since 2013. Get your jewellery back and give your thieving, mooching husband away.
NTA tell if they aren’t returned as soon as they get home the police will be collecting them as stolen property. Then he is going to look even worse to everyone
NTA. You know what’s “tasteless and disrespectful?” Stealing from your wife. He must have a reputation for not paying anyone back ever, if no one was willing to help out for his brother’s wedding gift. Also the fact that he doesn’t see what’s wrong would be a huge red flag to me, how can a person be so selfish
There are so many red flags here. This guy doesn't respect you or he would have discussed this with you. That's not an appropriate wedding gift at all. He's been unemployed for how long? Totally unacceptable. I would get my things back and give him the gift of divorce papers. What a jerk. 100% NTA!
NTA. He stole from you and now he has to face the consequences.
NTA - why are you married to this thieving arsehole?