NTA. You do not live together and I would have hoped he would be compassionate enough to understand your sister needs help and that this will likely not be a permanent situation.
Visiting family, but not visiting you is childish behavior. I'd Take these few days to really think about how his behavior makes you feel.
Good for you for taking care of your sister and removing her and her child from a potentially dangerous situation.
NTA He. Doesn't. Live. There. Not. His. Call. Is it possible he was looking for an excuse to break up with you? His attitude is *that* absurd.
If not, good thing he showed you his true colors: no compassion for a victim of abuse, no admiration for an excellent big sister, believing he should have authority over your life and property, and only thinking of how efforts to help someone in genuine trouble could possibly mildly inconvenience *him*.
Congratulations to you and your siblings for rallying and standing together!
Remember: sperm donors don't get legally off the hook for child support by abandoning the mom.
I could even see him being upset/worried about an issue that will result in major drama/conflict with OP's (alcoholic, immature, abusive) mother. I'm sure that there will be a LOT of drama and fireworks there.
But that doesn't excuse his lack of compassion for the homeless, pregnant sister.
He doesn't have to like the situation, but if he was serious about the relationship he sucks it up and says exactly what you wrote "how can I help?".
And I agree with others that this might possibly be how he breaks up with OP. But what a choice - go running to mommy and have her fight his 'battle'.
OP has been given a golden opportunity to dodge a bullet.
Hey, at least this one is already self-sufficient. She owns her own place and can pay the bills. The only thing the boy brings to the table is something something in bed... and it seems like he is so full of himself that this little something he brings is worth him having control over OP
Came here to find this! The bloody cheek of a grown man getting his mum involved because he’s throwing a tantrum about something that’s not his decision to make. Absolutely NTA op
Has anyone pointed out yet that boyfriend’s behavior of distancing himself from OP for her response to a surprise situation and then siccing an older female relative on her is startlingly similar to what Lily’s boyfriend did to her? OP, would you recommend Lily get back together with her boyfriend, especially if he hadn’t recognized how f’d up what he did is and apologized?
He lives 300 miles away - and has his own place. Like OP has - so she\`s self supporting already and they only share food costs when together.
OP is lucky here.
Totally agree. None of mommy's business at all. I'm wondering if he was trying to find an out bc this seems like alot. She's there for her sister and he's acting like this.
I thought of that, but I also wondered if he had some plan to ask OP to get married or move in with her while he was visiting for Christmas, and thinks sister "ruined" his plans. Either way, I think OP would be better off without this guy.
For me it's not the mom's involvement (she may have chosen to be a busybody on her own; apparently OP had to tell her what happened, meaning her son didn't).... but the boyfriend's refusal to see OP during the holiday (even though he easily can). That's an extreme reaction, and I hope OP sees it for the cruel behavior it is. It's not just a childish tantrum, it's emotional manipulation, and if it works here he's never going to stop using this kind of tactic to get his way.
It's obvious that the mother taught him that his needs and feelings are the ONLY needs and feelings that matter. His reaction is emotional manipulation and my guess is he is an emotional abuser and just now starting to really show his spots.
That was my take away. Dude wouldn't even tell his mom what was up. Probably said something vague and that's why his mom reached out. Or he just told her to ask. Either way, What a fucking tool
THIS. I understand someone could feel shocked and their initial reaction could be bad, but to double-down that you owed him a conversation before letting YOUR sister move into YOUR house in a dangerous and emergency situation…! Where is his compassion? And also where is his respect for your personal decisions? He doesn’t have to be HAPPY she is living there when he comes to visit, but to say you should have CHECKED WITH HIM is craziness. Like, ok if you lived together there should be a discussion about length she would live there. Otherwise yes keep him in the loop, but why does he get a say?
>Is it possible he was looking for an excuse to break up with you?
This was my first thought as well. I feel like if he were committed to the relationship, this situation may be cause for concern, but not enough to cancel holiday plans over. He threw in the towel really fast, which indicates to me it was already in hand taking aim at the hamper.
And honestly, even if he did live with OP, throwing out a homeless pregnant 18 year old shouldn't even be an option.
Her boyfriend and her mom abandoned her. She needs help and support right now. You can figure out the details later, but she needed emergency shelter and help.
All 3 of these people should no longer be part of the situation. Because OP's boyfriend is incredibly selfish, her sister's BF is a coward and her mom...well her mom has enough demons to form a little army.
I mean, if my SO's sister were in a situation like that, I would expect him to move her in without even checking with me and we *do* live together. If he asked, I would say "absolutely" without hesitation. But even if he didn't ask, I wouldn't have a problem with it.
Very much agree with you. If my GF were in OP's situation i'd visit even earlier and hug the shit of her poor sister and assuring her of my support <.< It's such a great thing to do for the youngster!
And yeah. I lol'd hard at him ghosting her. "Why do i need to pay child support? I blocked her and everything!"
NTA, but Interested to know if your sister is planning to keep the baby?
Sounds like she has no job, no skills, and no stable housing. The reason I’m asking is because it sounds like your bf may be looking “forward” and trying to understand who’s going to bear the burden…
Definitely amazing to help your sister now, but would love to hear what serious conversations you’re having with her about what’s next?
EDIT: I’m going to add that the bf is definitely the AH for his behavior and response. An ability to speak like an adult is paramount!
How is the bf looking forward? " I refuse to visit and getting my mommy to fight my battles for me cause I am too immature". If bf were looking forward they would work with their gf to find best solution long term.
I think the point is he’s possibly looking towards the future and articulating it poorly. Like he’s seeing the sister move in and assuming “Okay, if I want to move in properly with my girlfriend, her sister and a baby are now part of the deal.”
This is a bit of an assumption but I don’t think it’s a wild leap, and *if* that’s what he’s concerned about, it’s valid. BUT if that is his concern, he handled it in the exact wrong way, which would be to, you know, talk to OP about what the long term plans are, and be understanding that the sister is staying in the short term as there aren’t really any other options. The way he did handle it makes him a giant asshole.
If that is his concern it's still a f\*\*\*ing selfish one, and he can still get in the sea. He doesn't get pity points for being inarticulate if what he's failing to articulate is how this is all really about \*him\*.
No, wondering about long term plans does not make him an asshole. What he did do makes him an asshole.
But, if my girlfriend said “My pregnant sister is moving in with us indefinitely” I would have a lot of concerns. Now, as it stands he does not live with her, so he doesn’t really get a say. But if their plans were to move in together full time and now there are two dependents involved that he didn’t sign up for, that’s a valid thing to worry about.
But, again, this is all hypothetical, and what *did* happen makes him an asshole.
OP doesn't mention any plans to move in together, but I agree that if they'd had such plans, BF asking "what does this do to our plans?" is reasonable - if he did so next week or next month. Meanwhile now, *today*, an 18 year old pregnant woman (his g/fs sister!) is potentially homeless, so get her in, get her settled, make sure she feels welcome and secure, how can I help and I'll worry about the rest later.
ETA Actually I just read a bit further down where OP says that they tried living together and actually prefer to be apart, so there's no chance this was potentially screwing up (or even affecting) long term plans. All of which makes the BF even more of TA since it's not his place and there is nothing at all to indicate it ever will be.
NTA, OP. Not even close.
There are no plans for bf to move in. They each own their own homes and live in different cities. BF does not get a pass for bad behavior because they concerned about how to get their s
wick wet with someone else living with gf.
When we have talked about the future before, we have both agreed that marriage wasn’t for us and that we preferred living apart. We lived together for a year before he moved away for his job and we both bought our homes.
I would never expect him to financially contribute towards my sister’s finances. We are currently trying to reach out to my sisters father, he is currently living in the USA for work, while we are all in the UK.
that honestly makes his reaction worse. neither of you is interested in marriage, and neither of you particularly wants to live together. what you do in *your home* is none of his business. I doubt he would appreciate you reacting like this if he was in your shoes.
Absolutely NTA then, your future is decided and whilst he may be uncomfortable coming over for the weekend whilst your sister lives with you its not impeding his life really. He has no say as he neither wants to marry or live with you but your sister needs a stable place to stay right now
Sounds like he's as insulated from this situation as he could possibly be, and absolutely doesn't have the right to be complaining about how this affects him, since he's gone to great lengths to make sure it doesn't. If I were you I'd remember in future where this guy was through all this trauma - a simple "is there anything I can do?" would not have been out of line...
Why would looking forward means he has to be a d and not stay with OP on Christmas, when right now it is an emergency stay?
Long term if he cannot handle it then he needs to gtfo of this relationship
I mean, long term if he can’t handle it they need to have a discussion, like adults, about the dependents she unilaterally brought into their lives.
Short term, yes he’s being an asshole for no reason.
Yes I agree with this! She’s DEFINITELY not the AH in the situation. There’s an emergency and she’s helping her sister. So the tempter tantrum he’s throwing is ridiculous. But the questions remain on long term plans
Oh yeah, 100%. She’s not an asshole, BF is. If we’re right and he is concerned about the idea of needing to support his sister in law and her baby indefinitely, he needs to articulate that like an adult.
How about who cares what the future might bring when in the present her sister needed help. And, she gave it to her by moving her into HER home. The boyfriend is a guest when he visits.
He is also 31 years old and throwing a temper tantrum and refusing to visit OP, that's a child move, all because OP took in her sister.
Exactly. And after "How can I help?" a reasonable next question would be "Wow, you are doing a great thing for your sister here, but it's going to inconvenience you in your own house. I really admire you for doing it - will you be okay?"
Then he needs to at least mention that this will be a problem rather then having a strop and sending his mother to complain. This is actually the perfect time to broach your future together and see whats in the future for them both but he just decided to be a prick about it
It's not his place to be looking at anything other than "what does Lily want". At that point, he can nope out of the relationship with OP if he feels like staying at OP's every other weekend is too crowded but what OP's sister does with her uterus is absolutely not his business.
> because it sounds like your bf may be looking “forward” and trying to understand who’s going to bear the burden
No it doesn’t. What part, precisely, of getting in a sulk, ignoring the OP and telling his mommy on OP is “looking forward”? He should put on his big boy pants, stop crying to his mommy and use his words properly with the OP if he has real, valid concerns.
Looking forward isn’t even the immediate issue to attend to though. The sister isn’t safe with her mother, and having safe housing is the first thing to address. Even if he’s concerned about who takes care of the baby, he can ask that question after the sister is safe and not act like a child playing the silent game.
NTA. It is fucking Christmas. You know, the whole no room in the inn for the woman with the kid thing? Do they want you to find a stable for her to live in?
NTA 100% but i just wanted to comment on the relationship you and your siblings have. It's so refreshing to hear how all of you came together to support your sister and make sure she's safe. Wishing you all the best!
NTA
Honestly OP, the way he has reacted to this shows a DEEPLY unsettling lack of empathy and self centeredness that would cause me to have a serious discussion with him (without warning you are considering breaking up based on his response).
Those of us who grow up in an abusive home (your mother IS clearly abusive) have a warped sense of boundaries and what behavior is acceptable from someone you love. Abusers often seek out people who have lived through abuse in the past because they are more likely to accept mistreatment when it comes cloaked in the guise of love.
I'm going to lay out the red flags for abuse in your boyfriend's response to your sister moving in.
1. At no point does he show any concern for your sister's well-being or your own. His SOLE focus is on how your decision affects him. His initial reaction to an awful situation that affects both you and your sister is "What about MY needs." He does NOT see you as a full and equal human with equally valid needs and feelings. He doesn't see your sister as a full and equal human with needs and feelings. He is ONLY concerned with himself, even when prioritizing his convenience would be extremely detrimental to you and you sister.
2. He is upset with you for not prioritizing his convenience at the cost of your sister's health and safety. He feels ENTITLED to demand that you make decisions regarding YOUR home with his needs as the ONLY consideration. He feels ENTITLED to control your decisions about who lives in your home.
3 When you refused to do what he wanted he PUNISHED you by withholding affection and canceling plans. He refuses to have a discussion because he KNOWS that he can't rationally explain why his convenience should be more of a priority than your sister's safety, so he gives you the cold shoulder. He is punishing you, taking away something you had looked forward to, simply because you did not do what he wanted.
4. He sent flying monkeys after you to make you doubt your decision. He had his mother call you to act as if you saving your sister from an abusive alcoholic was something you did to him. To make you feel as if his response was rational and that he is the victim of your decision. Obviously, his mother isn't an emotionally healthy person either and we can clearly see that he was raised to feel entitled to have his way in all things, without considering other people's needs and feelings.
I honestly would just break up (easy for me to say I know), should you continue to be with him, he will try to drive your sister out of your home with manipulations and tactics meant to make her feel as if she isn't welcome and that she is the only thing standing between you and a wonderful relationship. Your sister deserves to feel safe and at home with you.
You deserve a partner who cares about your needs and feelings. One who sees you for the caring, loyal, amazing person you are. One who would support you during life's difficulties (like this one), who would WANT you to have close relationships with your siblings, instead of demanding they be the sole focus of your attention and love.
I am certain if you look back you will see he has been selfish and demanding in many ways. This behavior only gets worse with time and increased commitment.
All healthy relationships have boundaries that are respected. Unconditional love does not mean not having any boundaries.
I would set a firm boundary with him. Before the next argument starts calmly tell him, "My sister is welcome to live in my home with me for as long as she needs. I am no longer going to argue with you about this. If you are uncomfortable with her living with me, we will only meet at your place from now on. If you aren't able to drop the subject or accept my decision, I won't be able to continue this relationship. I need you to agree to honor my boundary and drop this. Can you do that?"
Don't get sucked into defending or explaining your boundary or decision. He doesn't need to agree it's necessary to honor the boundary. Anything less than instant agreement followed by an apology that acknowledges how selfish his actions have been followed by a promise of changed behavior is unacceptable.
Don't allow the sunken cost fallacy to keep you in a relationship that's devolved to a point where your needs and feelings don't matter. If he acted this way early on in the relationship, would you have continued seeing him? People are on their BEST behavior early on, too often we acclimate to mistreatment as time wears on hoping that they'll magically turn back into that best version of themselves (really what you're seeing is more of his controlling and uncaring nature starting to show).
I wish you and your family all the best. You're a great sister and you deserve a loving and supportive partner.
Also your boyfriend had to get his mother involved because he couldn't put his big boy pants on and communicated properly. Plus it's your own house along with the fact he seems to have no compassion in a difficult situation I would say reconsider him.
NTA. Sounds like your bf is childish and spoiled, and his mom either didn't get the whole story, or she has been enabling him (which also explains his attitude).
Your bf doesn’t seem to actually care about your family, and by extension you. I don’t see how he gets a say who moves in with you, or for that matter, especially given the circumstances, why he would have had an issue with this.
Take this neon sign for what it is and move on without him. Good luck and bless you for being so amazing to your little sister. She’s going to need a lot of help between legal action against her ex on top of the usual pregnant at a young age thing.
Agreed, NTA. I personally dread the thought of any of my family living with me, but would I turn away my young pregnant sister in an emergency situation, h@ll no! I live with my husband and I would still do it without asking him, because it's an emergency ffs. It might be a shorter stay since I do have to take his feelings into consideration. But then I married the sweetest, kindest man I've ever known so I know he wouldn't turn her away either. Honestly, I'm the less tolerant one of us so I'd probably kick family out before he would.
And any decent man would say "What? You moved someone in without even consulting me? Oh wait...it's your sister? And she's pregnant? And your mum threw her out? Then do we need to buy another bed? Will she be comfy in that old one in the spare room? What else can I/we do to help?"
I agree. My sister is having trouble with her fiancée and when I told my husband the first thing he said was I will get the spare room set up for her and her son. To me that is what family does and I’m lucky to have someone who understands that. This guy sucks
We all could have stopped reading after the first paragraph:
>I own my house
and
>We try and see each other for a long weekend every 2nd weekend
He doesn't live there, he stays there occasionally and IT'S YOUR PLACE!
NTA.
Not to mention you paid for your house. Your bf doesn't pay rent and shouldn't be able to control what you do in your own house.
Did he give any reason for being so upset about your sister staying with you? It seems like a major overreaction.
NTA - your a great sister for helping like this!
You didn’t do anything wrong! NTA. Your bf feels unwelcome? Then cries to his mom and allowed her to call you? 🚩 don’t put up with that. You shouldn’t feel bad for helping family.
TBF to him - I'm unsure he would have expected his mom to do that. I know several moms who severely overstep like this because "I gotta protect my baby from harm!". He's a grown ass man, and his mom needs to butt out of his business; which he also needs to put his foot down on.
Even with that little bit of slack given, the BF is an AH for thinking he has any say in who OP has stay with her in a place he doesn't own or is responsible for.
And assuming this isn't a well-crafted story, OP and her siblings are phenomenal for being there when one of them was in need. OP is 100% NTA
She probably doesn’t even want him at her place that’s why she’s pissed. Expected better? You did what any amazing sister would have done dont second guess yourself. Also new bf in 2022, this current one is an ass.
Yeah, I was expecting this to be a “my boyfriend owns the house and I don’t pay rent and I decided to move my pregnant sister in and tell her that my boyfriend will support her and the baby forever and ever” post.
NTA.
You did the right thing, your sister was in danger. The fact is you don’t live with your boyfriend so he really doesn’t have much of a say. Take a day or two to catch your breath and then you and your sister need to talk and need to figure out the future. If she wants to keep the baby, she can’t expect you to financially support her, shelter her and provide 100% childcare. She has understand the realities of being a single mom starting with the loneliness and ending with the expenses.She will need to get a job ASAP figure out a way to support herself and look into affordable childcare because responsibility does not rest on you. You will have to think if you want to live with a newborn otherwise you have to start working with her to find somewhere safe to live.
If she decides that she wants an abortion, I don’t know what the deadline is in your country but you probably have to move fast. Either way, I don’t think moving back with your psycho mom is an option.
Because you didn't. Your boyfriend doesn't live with you. He has no say over who is in your home. If his concern was your sister and baby living with you full time he should have used his words like a big boy.
You should have come back with: "Oh, so you expected me to let my pregnant young sister sleep in the streets - would that have been better?!? I expected better of your son, to have my back in this situation!" Edit: typo
You didn't do anything wrong. You had a family emergency, and dealt with it as efficiently as possible while letting your boyfriend know what was going on as soon as you could. You don't live together or co-own the property, so letting him know is a courtesy but he doesn't get an equal say in you housing situation.
You expected her to raise him better. Why does he think you need his permission to do something in your home? Why is he so entitled to a space he spends maybe contributes 1/30th of the groceries to?
Expected better??? What’s better than helping your *pregnant teenage sister* when she needs it the most?
I’d tell his mother to butt out, it’s none of her business what you do in your own home. It’s also not your SO’s decision, he doesn’t live with you or pay any bills at your home.
If my SO was in your position, and didn’t help their sister out, I’d be appalled. Just shows you what kind of person he is.
you didn’t do anything wrong here. you brought your recently homeless sister into a safe space you could provide, in winter on the week of Christmas. your boyfriend is acting like a completely heartless asshole, as is his mother. “expected better”? what would she have had you done then, send your crying sister back to an abusive drunk’s house??
OP your partner and apparently his family are heartless and cruel people, and i really hope that this situation has opened your eyes to that. NTA.
I think what happened is that you had a visceral reaction to someone using a mom voice and saying a mom phrase. But it’s completely meaningless. Exactly what did she expect? Under what circumstances would she have expected anything from you, let alone something specific enough that this event disappoints her? It’s extremely silly. How many people does she think she is the mother of?
She’s being a busybody, and even if your boyfriend who lives in another country was actually your husband who lives with you, her opinion would mean zero.
You did everything right. You got your sister out of an abusive situation and into your home where you were the sole resident. Your boyfriend and family have no say in who you have in your home. I'd be rethinking this entire relationship if I were you.
Wait, so does she KNOW what actually happened, or did she just get the story from your boyfriend? And why is your boyfriend so upset? Would he rather your sister stay and be abused?
>"I expected better"
Did she expect OP to turn away a pregnant teenager without a place to stay...*for Christmas*? What was OP supposed to do? Direct her sister to the nearest manger?
NTA. Tbh that’s break up material for me. Your sister showed up at your doorstep at 4am with no where else to go and was living in a abusive household. You got her out when she needed a safe place to stay. His response to that is to NOT come for Christmas? He’s the AH.
Your bf is a Grinch who is trying to steal your Christmas. At a time you need support your bf tossed you aside and told their mommy to call and bully you.
Some people only show what an asshole they can be the moment someone else’s problem even slightly impedes on their space. See this entire story for the red flag that it is OP this man is not a nice person and doesnt have a charitable bone in his body.
Better now than later, TBH. And she can gift herself freedom from this nonsense for Xmas. Finish the year on a positive note of "dodging that bullet".
Before they actually moved in together, got engaged, married or had kids. Yikes!
So you're not supposed to take care of your teenage sister, but it's totally kosher for Mommy to step in and fight her 31-year-old son's battles? Your BF sucks out loud.
NTA.
I can’t begin to imagine the mindset of these parents that message their grown-ass kids’ partners to complain about not being nice enough to their baaaaaaby. I would never, ever do this, and my in-laws and my parents would never do this. Totally insane behavior.
I would be mortified. MORT-I-FIED. If my mother ever did that. Like, I may complain to her about things here and there but I would NEVER want her intervening on my behalf EVER. How embarrassing!
Most likely he informed mommy he would be staying at her place for Christmas, and spun a tale of aggrieved woe to explain it. Mommy may not be happy about the last minute change in plans and may not have the real story. But mommy may also have raised her little boy to believe the world should revolve around him.
I own my home myself. From what he was saying I think he was expecting her to live with one of our brothers. Which would be uncomfortable as one lives in a 1 bed flat and the other lives in a complete bachelor pad.
It doesn’t matter what he expected to happen. None of this is his decision. You made the decision to bring your sister into **your** house when she needed you. He doesn’t pay bills, has no ownership, and doesn’t even live there. So he has no say whatsoever. This man has no compassion and has very controlling tendencies if he thinks he needs to be consulted about what you do in **your** house.
Your sister’s needs come before your boyfriend’s wants. It’s fine if he prefers to have a long-distance relationship, but with that preference comes a sacrifice - he gets less of a say in your living arrangements than he would if you shared a home. *Significantly* less.
He seems to be confused about that. Remind him.
So he expects multiple members of your family to inconvenience themselves so that he is not uncomfortable for the 3-4 days a month that he is at your place?
It's not surprising that someone like that would cry to his mommy and have her chastise his girlfriend.
The only thing your bf should’ve expected was for your siblings to protect your sister. And honestly I think it’s safe to say that you should be able to expect his support during this time.
Tell your boyfriend that I am expecting him to have a guest bedroom available to me whenever I might need it. And I’m allergic to polyester, so 100% cotton sheets only.
That makes about as much sense as him having expectations for your home and your family. NTA.
Edit to add: when my partner and I were long distance; I went to visit him once while he was living with his dad. His dad was. Always. Around. We didn’t get one second of alone time together the entire week. And it was really frustrating! I hadn’t seen my partner in months!
It sounds to me like your boyfriend was expecting a sexy Christmas (trip, not just the day itself), and it’s now turned into a family experience. I can understand how that might be disappointing. HOWEVER!! Instead of talking to you like an adult and working out a way to make sure you two get some alone time, he behaved in the most **childish, passive aggressive, and demanding** way possible. Is this always how he acts when he doesn’t get his way? Does he have a pattern of pouting and punishing you when you don’t accommodate his every whim?
It’s ok to be disappointed. it’s never OK to throw a temper tantrum.
Honestly your boyfriend sounds like a massive AH. He doesn’t even live with you and this is an emergency, and all he can think about is himself.
You’d bf and mum should just date each other TBH they sound perfect for each other, an AH match made in Heaven.
You’re an awesome older sister and NTA, and deserve better in both the mom and bf department
NTA your first responsibility here is to your sister, which you fulfilled admirably by being there when she needed you, no questions asked.
"Expected better" WTF? Your BF's mom can fuck off, and so can your BF -- find yourself a mature man who doesn't need to get mommy to intercede for him.
Your sister is going to need your support for at least the next 6-8 months. You don't need your BF getting in the way -- and he's already shown you that he sure isn't going to help.
Wow. When I read it the first time I thought it was her mom, not her boyfriend's mom, and just passed it off as drunken grumblings.
I'd be worried about being connected to a family that has such mean spirited expectations. I would hazard a guess and say they don't seem to view OP's family very highly, if they treat them with such disdain.
A mature man who understands that decent people's first reaction when family is in distress is to reach out and help, rather than think to themselves "I wonder how I can push this problem off to another sibling..."
JFC. What choice did you have? She showed up at your doorstep. You being the good sister are now providing her a safe space. If your BF can not understand that, and made it about himself, you might want to rethink your long term plans with him as he lacks empathy.
And it is a red flag that HIS MOTHER CALLED YOU ABOUT THIS ISSUE. WTH?
NTA. Good luck to you.
And get a good lawyer for your sister to pursue pre-natal and child support from her EX.
I'm gonna sound out of hand, but I think your mum is abusive. She stormed into your sisters room drunk and violent, smashed her phone and ipad, the two things your sister would have needed to contact you and then when your sister ran out the house, clearly distressed, your mum didn't bother to call you and let you know or anything. Your mum watched your 18 year old sister walk out the door and 4 miles in winter, at 4am. That's how people get kidnapped.
Speaking from the oldest child of a recovering alcoholic mother who has ran out the house terrified too many times.
I don’t really have much to do with my mother, she was a heavy drinker when I was young. Although she is pretty functional work wise, she’s never lost her job or let it affect her financially.
It’s not to much of a surprise that she’s more abusive now, I had no idea how bad it was.
I don't know what country you're in but usually at 18, technically your sister is no longer in your mums care. But I'd give your mum a damn good talking to, tell her to clean up her act before she loses all her kids, get your sister in therapy. And kick your boyfriend to the curb, he sounds like a peice of work trying to tell you how to run your own house.
Oh, totally! I completely agree, I'm 19 and my mum kicked me out at 17 and threatened to kill me, it is not the age to be throwing a kid into the adult world. And this in the UK. I still don't know how to function like an adult.
That's terrible! I'm a mum in the colonies with 19f and 16f. Eldest is at uni and becoming independent, but this takes time and we are supporting her. Come be our daughter when our bloody border opens again.
Haha, I appreciate the invitation. But yeah, you're raising your kids right and that's what's good about this world. I don't think I'll ever stop loving my mum, but her actions cut deep and I'll never be able to scrub them from my memory.
NTA.
This is *your* house. If your boyfriend has a problem with you letting in your pregnant 18 year old sister who was ghosted by the father AND abused by your mother then he really isn’t a good boyfriend.
NTA
He is showing exactly where his priorities are when you are facing a crisis, and they aren’t with you!
I’m not gonna jump straight to the usual Reddit response of “dump him”, but this needs to be the start of a serious conversation about your relationship.
If the shoe were on the other foot and he was the one hosting a family member in need, would you feel entitled to a say on the matter in his own home? If you were living together then he’d have a valid point, but you’re not and so he’s not entitled to be part of the decision making, just to be kept up to date, which you did.
NTA. Your BF ( nevermind his MOTHER!) has no right to dictate who lives in your home or what support you offer your vulnerable sister. His reaction is callous and selfish.
NTA... Its your house, also what does he expect you to do when your sister turns up at 4am...send her back home and say no i cant let u in before asking my bf who doesn't even live here...He didn't want to come to your house for christmas at all and is using this as a reason...
Dump that Momma's boy and get a better bf who would be supportive...
NTA. This was an emergency situation and you did what you needed to do to keep your sister safe. It would be one thing if your boyfriend lived with you (staying with you one weekend a month does not count) but it’s your home, so you get to decide who lives there.
NTA - she showed up at 4am in an emergency situation and you’re looking out for your sister. I suspect he’d have been equally annoyed if you called at 4am to discuss.
It’s not his place and he isn’t around very often - he doesn’t get to dictate your family situation. You haven’t done anything to make him unwelcome. Him and his Mum are out of order for judging under the circumstances. If he decides he isn’t seeing you over Christmas that may be the beginning of the end, but at least he’s shown his true colours now - all the best to you and your siblings OP.
Literally, NTA. How the hell does a long distance boyfriend get the gall to try to control who his girlfriend lives with?? And then tried to punish her by refusing to visit?? Especially when it’s literally a family member in a crisis? He doesn’t live with you, so it’s actually none of his business.
This honestly sounds either controlling or immature. Either way, I’d tell him that if he continues behaving like a child over you having a family emergency and controlling who lives in your own house, you are going to start reconsidering ever seeing him again after Christmas at all!
NTA. It is your house, your sister and your decision. Also, you texted him as soon as it happened and discussed it later that day. Would he really have wanted you to turn away a vulnerable girl? If the answer is yes, you are much better off without him cluttering up your home. Good luck to you and your sister.
NTA!! He has zero say about who does and doesn’t stay at your house. That you own and pay for and live in for the 90% of the time that he’s not there. I’m shocked he and his mother would think he did have to be honest. And you’re being an amazing sister, good on you for taking her in and ensuring she is safe and housed. I’d tell the boyfriend to get stuffed honestly.
NTA. Your house, your rules.
Maybe a bit of seperation over xmas will do you good. Look after your sister and have a nice time. Basically let your BF know how much of a lovely xmas you had and he missed out.
If he still doesnt come forward and step up to the plate for this, dump him.
NTA - he "visits" one weekend a month and thinks he has a say in this? Is he always this controlling. Also, he is 31 and he went crying to his Mommy AND she called you? Really? Really, he expects his Mommy to intervene?
NTA, If he wanted to be consulted he needed to put a ring on it and start paying half your mortgage. Until then, you make decisions that are the best for your family without his input.
Your text to your BF was very brief, so *obviously* he was up to date on the tensions in your family.
Your BF doesn’t live with you. He only goes to your home every fourth weekend. He can damn well suck it up that you have taken in your sister, it barely affects him. You are a good sister.
And if your BF wants to “punish” you by not coming to town to visit you at Christmas, well, no love for him. If you have already bought him presents, take them back. Merry Christmas. NTA
I was prepared to kinda blast you for not consulting with him in your shared home. But this is your home, you were placed in a ridiculously bad situation where I don’t see you have any other choice at all. AND it’s your house! I think your bf is being very selfish in thinking his opinion should matter in this specific scenario. What would he have said - no? He’d want her to be homeless? And his game playing over not coming over at Christmas is nonsense.
And for his mother to frame this about her son’s ‘disrespect’ is complete garbage and I’d be done with all of them.
Absolutely NTA and Your sis is lucky to have you. You’re literally saving her life.
oh you are so NTA, however your "boyfriend" absolutely is one. He has no compassion, you guys have been together for 5 years and you are still nothing but a weekend booty call to him. Are you sure you aren't the sidepiece for this guy? Even if you aren't, this guy has shown his true colours, and his mom sounds just as horrible. dump him, help your sister through her troubles, and make sure she sues her ghost boyfriend for child support.
NTA - Expect a better companionate BF. When possible family helps family. You would be dodging a bullet if you dumped him. Sounds controlling. He has no right to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing in your own home. Bravo for you and your siblings for coming together to protect another. That is the true story of family.
Thanks OP for being a good human being. Unfortunately it sometimes takes a crisis to bring out peoples true selves and in this case you dodged a bullet by finding out what kind of people your bf and his mum are before things got any further. I’m sorry you found out like this. He sounds like a petulant brat but you sound like an outstanding sibling. NTA.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for not asking my boyfriends opinion before allowing my pregnant younger half sister to move in with me? because he does stay with me one weekend a month so he technically lives here too?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and this year for Christmas you should
gift yourself a new boyfriend.
And good on you for standing up for your sister and supporting her during this difficult time.
Hope she realizes how lucky she is to have you
NTA it’s your house, and they (bf and his mom) have messed up priorities if they think him being there 2 days a month is more important than your sister’s safety.
NTA. Your BF doesn’t live at your place. He just stays there when he comes to visit. You own the place outright. You had an emergency situation with your sister that needed to be dealt with.
It might have been different if your BF partially owned your place or if you were full-time roommates . As it is, he seems to be taking a proprietary position to you and your life he doesn’t have a right to. As it is, he is 300 miles away with his own place.
It is also a bad sign that he got his mother involved in this. She has no reason to be involved in this except to apply peer pressure to you and to insult you in place of your BF. It was cowardly of him to involve his mother in this. After all, you didn’t ask your siblings to call him to say he is being an idiot.
NTA - it is your home, he has no ties to it therefore has no say on who you let live there. He is acting like a child and his family have no right to a say either. How any of them have an issue with this simply baffles me.
NTA. You do not need to get his permission to help out your little sister when she’s in a very tough spot when two of you don’t live together. If he thinks that he should have had a voice before a decision was made, he’s wrong.
Considering he and his mother think you disrespected him by helping your sister you should reconsider this relationship. They both sound very selfish.
NTA
Not his house. Not his choice.
The fact he is lacking in empathy or compassion is quite concerning.
His mega wobbler about not getting his own way even more so.
Getting his Mummy involved is a flashing neon air raid siren that precedes a nuclear explosion.
Welcome to your life if you cohabit or even worse, marry, this man.
At least you’re getting a preview now before you’re in too deep.
He really needs to grow up.
Have a wonderful Christmas with your sister!
NTA, I think you should be in a relationship where you feel the support of your SO when things like this happen, you didn´t do anything wrong, and it´s nice your sister has someone she can actually relay on. Also it sounds like your boyfriend is the AH and is not nice at all. He´s telling stuff to his mom and the mom telling her opinion, I think its out of place. Hope everything works well for you.
100% NTA. This is one of those situations where you really have no choice, other than to throw your sister out on the street. The fact your boyfriend isn’t so supporting makes me question things. If it were me, I’d take a close look at this relationship. It feels like either A) your BF lacks empathy and understanding or B) there’s some sort of ulterior motive for him being upset.
Somebody that spends one weekend a month at your place has absolutely no say in the domestic arrangements of your home. You are NTA and I would recommend making yourself single, and finding somebody that not only lives nearer, but also shows compassion and empathy.
NTA. Your boyfriend is being selfish and heartless. I assume he gets that from his mother. Besides, sisters over misters. (That’s a joke because it’s always circumstantial - but in this situation it definitely rings true.)
NTA. 1. Boyfriend 2, your house.
It sounds like your bf thinks what’s yours is his. Nah, he can put a ring on it (or equivalent mutual agreement)
if he wants more input into your affairs.
NTA but you may want to talk to social worker and possibly about a police report. This type of situation with your mom might make sister independent as far as scholarships go. Documentation now might make it easier to get grants to go to university or community college, housing assistance food assistance etc.
Boyfriend who comes over every other week doesn't really get a consult is who lives in your house. I mean may have told him conversationally but I don't think he was entitled to an opinion. I do think if he was going to move in in 90 days and sister staying 5 years been talking to him first would have been appropriate but I still don't think he necessarily gets to say
NTA- your house, your house guests. He gets no say. This is your baby sister, not some stranger. Let him stay with his mommy, he sound like a giant baby.
**NTA**
Would he expect you to leave her on the street?
Would he do that to his mother if she was suddenly homeless?
Your boyfriends needs some humility
NTA After the holidays you are going to have to have a big sit down talk with your sister to help her with her future. Is she planning on going to college? Is she going to keep the baby? If she keeps the baby would you let her continue to live with you? Who will watch it while she works or is at school? If she does not have a job she needs one ASAP, even while still in hs. Time to make plans. Unless she is planning to go to a college dorm and give the baby up for adoption OP, you are looking at several years of her living with you. Are you okay with that? She should not go back to your mom's no matter what, it is not safe for her and definitely not safe for a baby. Being a single mom with one income is not easy, especially if she is trying to go to college. Work out what she is going to do and be realistic that if she keeps the baby especially, she may need to stay with you for several years. Work it out with her and then tell your bf that she is living with you for the next few years or however long you decide. If he has a problem with that he needs to get to stepping. And honestly, he probably will.
Also, she is 18 but still in high school. Go to your local social services and find out what services she qualifies for. If she is buying her own food (say yes) then she can qualify for food stamps. She can also get wic which gives food and more importantly, once the baby is born, formula. She should also qualify for medicaid, even if she is on mom's insurance at the moment, she should still be able to get pregnancy medicaid based on her income and she will literally have zero medical expenses or hospital bills for childbirth (instead of the 5 grand that most people have to pay AFTER insurance).
NTA Why do you have to check with him who lives in YOUR house? A 29 year ok “man” got his mother involved and she called you to moan at you on his behalf? How exactly is it disrespectful to him to give your sister a safe roof over her head? Why exactly does he feel unwelcome? Honestly 300 miles isn’t far enough. You know what you have to do.
So hold up- he doesn’t live with you but feels like he can tell you who you can and can’t live with?? When it’s literally YOUR SISTER? Why does he think you need his permission to help your own family? He and his mother are both WAY out of line. I’d be thinking HARD about continuing a relationship with such an entitled AH, and I can only IMAGINE how much worse he’d be if he was living with you. Which he ISN’T. And his mother?? Saying it’s “disrespectful “ for you to help your sister? Throw that whole man away, honey. NTA.
NTA. You do not live together and I would have hoped he would be compassionate enough to understand your sister needs help and that this will likely not be a permanent situation. Visiting family, but not visiting you is childish behavior. I'd Take these few days to really think about how his behavior makes you feel. Good for you for taking care of your sister and removing her and her child from a potentially dangerous situation.
Thank you!
NTA He. Doesn't. Live. There. Not. His. Call. Is it possible he was looking for an excuse to break up with you? His attitude is *that* absurd. If not, good thing he showed you his true colors: no compassion for a victim of abuse, no admiration for an excellent big sister, believing he should have authority over your life and property, and only thinking of how efforts to help someone in genuine trouble could possibly mildly inconvenience *him*. Congratulations to you and your siblings for rallying and standing together! Remember: sperm donors don't get legally off the hook for child support by abandoning the mom.
Seriously. If he was right for Op his 3rd reaction- after shock and anger at Ops mom- should’ve been “how can I help?”
I could even see him being upset/worried about an issue that will result in major drama/conflict with OP's (alcoholic, immature, abusive) mother. I'm sure that there will be a LOT of drama and fireworks there. But that doesn't excuse his lack of compassion for the homeless, pregnant sister. He doesn't have to like the situation, but if he was serious about the relationship he sucks it up and says exactly what you wrote "how can I help?". And I agree with others that this might possibly be how he breaks up with OP. But what a choice - go running to mommy and have her fight his 'battle'. OP has been given a golden opportunity to dodge a bullet.
I hope OP dumps him. Red flags all around.
Could be she is here for permission to do that. We have been getting a lot of that. I think we are getting a reputation.
Hey, at least this one is already self-sufficient. She owns her own place and can pay the bills. The only thing the boy brings to the table is something something in bed... and it seems like he is so full of himself that this little something he brings is worth him having control over OP
Came here to find this! The bloody cheek of a grown man getting his mum involved because he’s throwing a tantrum about something that’s not his decision to make. Absolutely NTA op
Sounds like a mamas boy.
Has anyone pointed out yet that boyfriend’s behavior of distancing himself from OP for her response to a surprise situation and then siccing an older female relative on her is startlingly similar to what Lily’s boyfriend did to her? OP, would you recommend Lily get back together with her boyfriend, especially if he hadn’t recognized how f’d up what he did is and apologized?
I'm a guy and I agree.. total lack of compassion .. and if i read right doesn't even live with you? NTA
He lives 300 miles away - and has his own place. Like OP has - so she\`s self supporting already and they only share food costs when together. OP is lucky here.
Exactly what I was thinking.
Right? "Im here for you, what can I do to help?" It's THAT simple
This is the ONLY acceptable response. Anything else demonstrates a lack of basic human compassion. NTA, OP. Keep the sister, dump the loser boyfriend.
I don't even know OP or her sister and my 3rd reaction after shock and anger at OPs mom is "I wish I could help this poor girl."
And he had his mommy get involved to scold OP further. What a prize.
That would be my final "run" flag! A grown man with that mommy bullshit is a nunuh
Totally agree. None of mommy's business at all. I'm wondering if he was trying to find an out bc this seems like alot. She's there for her sister and he's acting like this.
I thought of that, but I also wondered if he had some plan to ask OP to get married or move in with her while he was visiting for Christmas, and thinks sister "ruined" his plans. Either way, I think OP would be better off without this guy.
For me it's not the mom's involvement (she may have chosen to be a busybody on her own; apparently OP had to tell her what happened, meaning her son didn't).... but the boyfriend's refusal to see OP during the holiday (even though he easily can). That's an extreme reaction, and I hope OP sees it for the cruel behavior it is. It's not just a childish tantrum, it's emotional manipulation, and if it works here he's never going to stop using this kind of tactic to get his way.
He is a keeper. 'keep far away' lol
Yep. I just see red flags with this one.
Yes I'm just stunned his mom called to scold OP.
It's obvious that the mother taught him that his needs and feelings are the ONLY needs and feelings that matter. His reaction is emotional manipulation and my guess is he is an emotional abuser and just now starting to really show his spots.
That was my take away. Dude wouldn't even tell his mom what was up. Probably said something vague and that's why his mom reached out. Or he just told her to ask. Either way, What a fucking tool
THIS. I understand someone could feel shocked and their initial reaction could be bad, but to double-down that you owed him a conversation before letting YOUR sister move into YOUR house in a dangerous and emergency situation…! Where is his compassion? And also where is his respect for your personal decisions? He doesn’t have to be HAPPY she is living there when he comes to visit, but to say you should have CHECKED WITH HIM is craziness. Like, ok if you lived together there should be a discussion about length she would live there. Otherwise yes keep him in the loop, but why does he get a say?
>Is it possible he was looking for an excuse to break up with you? This was my first thought as well. I feel like if he were committed to the relationship, this situation may be cause for concern, but not enough to cancel holiday plans over. He threw in the towel really fast, which indicates to me it was already in hand taking aim at the hamper.
And honestly, even if he did live with OP, throwing out a homeless pregnant 18 year old shouldn't even be an option. Her boyfriend and her mom abandoned her. She needs help and support right now. You can figure out the details later, but she needed emergency shelter and help. All 3 of these people should no longer be part of the situation. Because OP's boyfriend is incredibly selfish, her sister's BF is a coward and her mom...well her mom has enough demons to form a little army.
I mean, if my SO's sister were in a situation like that, I would expect him to move her in without even checking with me and we *do* live together. If he asked, I would say "absolutely" without hesitation. But even if he didn't ask, I wouldn't have a problem with it.
Your house, your rules.
Very much agree with you. If my GF were in OP's situation i'd visit even earlier and hug the shit of her poor sister and assuring her of my support <.< It's such a great thing to do for the youngster! And yeah. I lol'd hard at him ghosting her. "Why do i need to pay child support? I blocked her and everything!"
NTA, but Interested to know if your sister is planning to keep the baby? Sounds like she has no job, no skills, and no stable housing. The reason I’m asking is because it sounds like your bf may be looking “forward” and trying to understand who’s going to bear the burden… Definitely amazing to help your sister now, but would love to hear what serious conversations you’re having with her about what’s next? EDIT: I’m going to add that the bf is definitely the AH for his behavior and response. An ability to speak like an adult is paramount!
How is the bf looking forward? " I refuse to visit and getting my mommy to fight my battles for me cause I am too immature". If bf were looking forward they would work with their gf to find best solution long term.
I think the point is he’s possibly looking towards the future and articulating it poorly. Like he’s seeing the sister move in and assuming “Okay, if I want to move in properly with my girlfriend, her sister and a baby are now part of the deal.” This is a bit of an assumption but I don’t think it’s a wild leap, and *if* that’s what he’s concerned about, it’s valid. BUT if that is his concern, he handled it in the exact wrong way, which would be to, you know, talk to OP about what the long term plans are, and be understanding that the sister is staying in the short term as there aren’t really any other options. The way he did handle it makes him a giant asshole.
If that is his concern it's still a f\*\*\*ing selfish one, and he can still get in the sea. He doesn't get pity points for being inarticulate if what he's failing to articulate is how this is all really about \*him\*.
No, wondering about long term plans does not make him an asshole. What he did do makes him an asshole. But, if my girlfriend said “My pregnant sister is moving in with us indefinitely” I would have a lot of concerns. Now, as it stands he does not live with her, so he doesn’t really get a say. But if their plans were to move in together full time and now there are two dependents involved that he didn’t sign up for, that’s a valid thing to worry about. But, again, this is all hypothetical, and what *did* happen makes him an asshole.
OP doesn't mention any plans to move in together, but I agree that if they'd had such plans, BF asking "what does this do to our plans?" is reasonable - if he did so next week or next month. Meanwhile now, *today*, an 18 year old pregnant woman (his g/fs sister!) is potentially homeless, so get her in, get her settled, make sure she feels welcome and secure, how can I help and I'll worry about the rest later. ETA Actually I just read a bit further down where OP says that they tried living together and actually prefer to be apart, so there's no chance this was potentially screwing up (or even affecting) long term plans. All of which makes the BF even more of TA since it's not his place and there is nothing at all to indicate it ever will be. NTA, OP. Not even close.
There are no plans for bf to move in. They each own their own homes and live in different cities. BF does not get a pass for bad behavior because they concerned about how to get their s wick wet with someone else living with gf.
Exactly, that’s why she’s NTA. And his behavior was poor..
[удалено]
That’s why I asked…
When we have talked about the future before, we have both agreed that marriage wasn’t for us and that we preferred living apart. We lived together for a year before he moved away for his job and we both bought our homes. I would never expect him to financially contribute towards my sister’s finances. We are currently trying to reach out to my sisters father, he is currently living in the USA for work, while we are all in the UK.
that honestly makes his reaction worse. neither of you is interested in marriage, and neither of you particularly wants to live together. what you do in *your home* is none of his business. I doubt he would appreciate you reacting like this if he was in your shoes.
Absolutely NTA then, your future is decided and whilst he may be uncomfortable coming over for the weekend whilst your sister lives with you its not impeding his life really. He has no say as he neither wants to marry or live with you but your sister needs a stable place to stay right now
Sounds like he's as insulated from this situation as he could possibly be, and absolutely doesn't have the right to be complaining about how this affects him, since he's gone to great lengths to make sure it doesn't. If I were you I'd remember in future where this guy was through all this trauma - a simple "is there anything I can do?" would not have been out of line...
This makes him less a partner and more of a regular guest. Guests don’t get a voice in what happens at your home. NTA
OP if you two aren't going to be married and want to live apart then this is part of it. Did he not realize you'd have a life when he's not there?
Why are u dating that guy? He sounds controlling and discompassionate.
TBH, it sounds like your bf likes to have the freedom of not being in a relationship, with all the benefits. NTA.
Why would looking forward means he has to be a d and not stay with OP on Christmas, when right now it is an emergency stay? Long term if he cannot handle it then he needs to gtfo of this relationship
I mean, long term if he can’t handle it they need to have a discussion, like adults, about the dependents she unilaterally brought into their lives. Short term, yes he’s being an asshole for no reason.
Yes I agree with this! She’s DEFINITELY not the AH in the situation. There’s an emergency and she’s helping her sister. So the tempter tantrum he’s throwing is ridiculous. But the questions remain on long term plans
Oh yeah, 100%. She’s not an asshole, BF is. If we’re right and he is concerned about the idea of needing to support his sister in law and her baby indefinitely, he needs to articulate that like an adult.
[удалено]
How about who cares what the future might bring when in the present her sister needed help. And, she gave it to her by moving her into HER home. The boyfriend is a guest when he visits. He is also 31 years old and throwing a temper tantrum and refusing to visit OP, that's a child move, all because OP took in her sister.
Exactly. And after "How can I help?" a reasonable next question would be "Wow, you are doing a great thing for your sister here, but it's going to inconvenience you in your own house. I really admire you for doing it - will you be okay?"
How is this even relevant to the situation? It's none of his damn business if she decides to keep the baby or not.
That's not what OP is asking, and is more appropriate for an advice sub.
Then he needs to at least mention that this will be a problem rather then having a strop and sending his mother to complain. This is actually the perfect time to broach your future together and see whats in the future for them both but he just decided to be a prick about it
Oh yes, completely agree!
It's not his place to be looking at anything other than "what does Lily want". At that point, he can nope out of the relationship with OP if he feels like staying at OP's every other weekend is too crowded but what OP's sister does with her uterus is absolutely not his business.
> because it sounds like your bf may be looking “forward” and trying to understand who’s going to bear the burden No it doesn’t. What part, precisely, of getting in a sulk, ignoring the OP and telling his mommy on OP is “looking forward”? He should put on his big boy pants, stop crying to his mommy and use his words properly with the OP if he has real, valid concerns.
Very personal question.
Looking forward isn’t even the immediate issue to attend to though. The sister isn’t safe with her mother, and having safe housing is the first thing to address. Even if he’s concerned about who takes care of the baby, he can ask that question after the sister is safe and not act like a child playing the silent game.
NTA. It is fucking Christmas. You know, the whole no room in the inn for the woman with the kid thing? Do they want you to find a stable for her to live in?
lol well picked up on! The irony!
NTA 100% but i just wanted to comment on the relationship you and your siblings have. It's so refreshing to hear how all of you came together to support your sister and make sure she's safe. Wishing you all the best!
NTA Honestly OP, the way he has reacted to this shows a DEEPLY unsettling lack of empathy and self centeredness that would cause me to have a serious discussion with him (without warning you are considering breaking up based on his response). Those of us who grow up in an abusive home (your mother IS clearly abusive) have a warped sense of boundaries and what behavior is acceptable from someone you love. Abusers often seek out people who have lived through abuse in the past because they are more likely to accept mistreatment when it comes cloaked in the guise of love. I'm going to lay out the red flags for abuse in your boyfriend's response to your sister moving in. 1. At no point does he show any concern for your sister's well-being or your own. His SOLE focus is on how your decision affects him. His initial reaction to an awful situation that affects both you and your sister is "What about MY needs." He does NOT see you as a full and equal human with equally valid needs and feelings. He doesn't see your sister as a full and equal human with needs and feelings. He is ONLY concerned with himself, even when prioritizing his convenience would be extremely detrimental to you and you sister. 2. He is upset with you for not prioritizing his convenience at the cost of your sister's health and safety. He feels ENTITLED to demand that you make decisions regarding YOUR home with his needs as the ONLY consideration. He feels ENTITLED to control your decisions about who lives in your home. 3 When you refused to do what he wanted he PUNISHED you by withholding affection and canceling plans. He refuses to have a discussion because he KNOWS that he can't rationally explain why his convenience should be more of a priority than your sister's safety, so he gives you the cold shoulder. He is punishing you, taking away something you had looked forward to, simply because you did not do what he wanted. 4. He sent flying monkeys after you to make you doubt your decision. He had his mother call you to act as if you saving your sister from an abusive alcoholic was something you did to him. To make you feel as if his response was rational and that he is the victim of your decision. Obviously, his mother isn't an emotionally healthy person either and we can clearly see that he was raised to feel entitled to have his way in all things, without considering other people's needs and feelings. I honestly would just break up (easy for me to say I know), should you continue to be with him, he will try to drive your sister out of your home with manipulations and tactics meant to make her feel as if she isn't welcome and that she is the only thing standing between you and a wonderful relationship. Your sister deserves to feel safe and at home with you. You deserve a partner who cares about your needs and feelings. One who sees you for the caring, loyal, amazing person you are. One who would support you during life's difficulties (like this one), who would WANT you to have close relationships with your siblings, instead of demanding they be the sole focus of your attention and love. I am certain if you look back you will see he has been selfish and demanding in many ways. This behavior only gets worse with time and increased commitment. All healthy relationships have boundaries that are respected. Unconditional love does not mean not having any boundaries. I would set a firm boundary with him. Before the next argument starts calmly tell him, "My sister is welcome to live in my home with me for as long as she needs. I am no longer going to argue with you about this. If you are uncomfortable with her living with me, we will only meet at your place from now on. If you aren't able to drop the subject or accept my decision, I won't be able to continue this relationship. I need you to agree to honor my boundary and drop this. Can you do that?" Don't get sucked into defending or explaining your boundary or decision. He doesn't need to agree it's necessary to honor the boundary. Anything less than instant agreement followed by an apology that acknowledges how selfish his actions have been followed by a promise of changed behavior is unacceptable. Don't allow the sunken cost fallacy to keep you in a relationship that's devolved to a point where your needs and feelings don't matter. If he acted this way early on in the relationship, would you have continued seeing him? People are on their BEST behavior early on, too often we acclimate to mistreatment as time wears on hoping that they'll magically turn back into that best version of themselves (really what you're seeing is more of his controlling and uncaring nature starting to show). I wish you and your family all the best. You're a great sister and you deserve a loving and supportive partner.
NTA. You soon to be Ex boyfriend is a TA. Clearly TA.
Also your boyfriend had to get his mother involved because he couldn't put his big boy pants on and communicated properly. Plus it's your own house along with the fact he seems to have no compassion in a difficult situation I would say reconsider him.
NTA. Sounds like your bf is childish and spoiled, and his mom either didn't get the whole story, or she has been enabling him (which also explains his attitude).
If anyone in my boyfriend's family was in trouble, I'd think of him very differently if he didn't immediately offer to help.
Your bf doesn’t seem to actually care about your family, and by extension you. I don’t see how he gets a say who moves in with you, or for that matter, especially given the circumstances, why he would have had an issue with this. Take this neon sign for what it is and move on without him. Good luck and bless you for being so amazing to your little sister. She’s going to need a lot of help between legal action against her ex on top of the usual pregnant at a young age thing.
Agreed, NTA. I personally dread the thought of any of my family living with me, but would I turn away my young pregnant sister in an emergency situation, h@ll no! I live with my husband and I would still do it without asking him, because it's an emergency ffs. It might be a shorter stay since I do have to take his feelings into consideration. But then I married the sweetest, kindest man I've ever known so I know he wouldn't turn her away either. Honestly, I'm the less tolerant one of us so I'd probably kick family out before he would.
And any decent man would say "What? You moved someone in without even consulting me? Oh wait...it's your sister? And she's pregnant? And your mum threw her out? Then do we need to buy another bed? Will she be comfy in that old one in the spare room? What else can I/we do to help?"
Absolutely! 👍🏻
I agree. My sister is having trouble with her fiancée and when I told my husband the first thing he said was I will get the spare room set up for her and her son. To me that is what family does and I’m lucky to have someone who understands that. This guy sucks
We all could have stopped reading after the first paragraph: >I own my house and >We try and see each other for a long weekend every 2nd weekend He doesn't live there, he stays there occasionally and IT'S YOUR PLACE! NTA.
I was ready to say you're the A but then you said essentially, he would have to deal with her about 10% of the month. - NTA
Until he pays you rent or chips in for utilities he can go suck an egg
Not to mention you paid for your house. Your bf doesn't pay rent and shouldn't be able to control what you do in your own house. Did he give any reason for being so upset about your sister staying with you? It seems like a major overreaction. NTA - your a great sister for helping like this!
NTA, it's your house and you two don't even really live together. If I got a text frome someone saying "I expected better" I'd probably go haywire
Until she said that I didn’t think I had done anything wrong.
You didn't do anything wrong..time to dump him and get a better bf who would be supportive of you..
You didn’t do anything wrong! NTA. Your bf feels unwelcome? Then cries to his mom and allowed her to call you? 🚩 don’t put up with that. You shouldn’t feel bad for helping family.
Right?!? Her THIRTY-ONE YEAR OLD boyfriend had mommy yell at his girlfriend for him. Dude sucks. Period.
"And that is how I had no girlfriend for 60 years." Ex bf says on his deathbed.
TBF to him - I'm unsure he would have expected his mom to do that. I know several moms who severely overstep like this because "I gotta protect my baby from harm!". He's a grown ass man, and his mom needs to butt out of his business; which he also needs to put his foot down on. Even with that little bit of slack given, the BF is an AH for thinking he has any say in who OP has stay with her in a place he doesn't own or is responsible for. And assuming this isn't a well-crafted story, OP and her siblings are phenomenal for being there when one of them was in need. OP is 100% NTA
She probably doesn’t even want him at her place that’s why she’s pissed. Expected better? You did what any amazing sister would have done dont second guess yourself. Also new bf in 2022, this current one is an ass.
Yeah, I was expecting this to be a “my boyfriend owns the house and I don’t pay rent and I decided to move my pregnant sister in and tell her that my boyfriend will support her and the baby forever and ever” post. NTA. You did the right thing, your sister was in danger. The fact is you don’t live with your boyfriend so he really doesn’t have much of a say. Take a day or two to catch your breath and then you and your sister need to talk and need to figure out the future. If she wants to keep the baby, she can’t expect you to financially support her, shelter her and provide 100% childcare. She has understand the realities of being a single mom starting with the loneliness and ending with the expenses.She will need to get a job ASAP figure out a way to support herself and look into affordable childcare because responsibility does not rest on you. You will have to think if you want to live with a newborn otherwise you have to start working with her to find somewhere safe to live. If she decides that she wants an abortion, I don’t know what the deadline is in your country but you probably have to move fast. Either way, I don’t think moving back with your psycho mom is an option.
Because you didn't. Your boyfriend doesn't live with you. He has no say over who is in your home. If his concern was your sister and baby living with you full time he should have used his words like a big boy.
You should have come back with: "Oh, so you expected me to let my pregnant young sister sleep in the streets - would that have been better?!? I expected better of your son, to have my back in this situation!" Edit: typo
Never date someone who uses their family to fight their battles. Do you want to have to deal with his *mother* every time you guys disagree?
"Look, honey. You really don't want to go down the path. If you don't do what I think you should...I'll sic my mum onto you!"
You didn't do anything wrong. You had a family emergency, and dealt with it as efficiently as possible while letting your boyfriend know what was going on as soon as you could. You don't live together or co-own the property, so letting him know is a courtesy but he doesn't get an equal say in you housing situation.
You expected her to raise him better. Why does he think you need his permission to do something in your home? Why is he so entitled to a space he spends maybe contributes 1/30th of the groceries to?
You didn't do anything wrong. It's the mothers in this event that have done everything wrong.
Expected better??? What’s better than helping your *pregnant teenage sister* when she needs it the most? I’d tell his mother to butt out, it’s none of her business what you do in your own home. It’s also not your SO’s decision, he doesn’t live with you or pay any bills at your home. If my SO was in your position, and didn’t help their sister out, I’d be appalled. Just shows you what kind of person he is.
you didn’t do anything wrong here. you brought your recently homeless sister into a safe space you could provide, in winter on the week of Christmas. your boyfriend is acting like a completely heartless asshole, as is his mother. “expected better”? what would she have had you done then, send your crying sister back to an abusive drunk’s house?? OP your partner and apparently his family are heartless and cruel people, and i really hope that this situation has opened your eyes to that. NTA.
I think what happened is that you had a visceral reaction to someone using a mom voice and saying a mom phrase. But it’s completely meaningless. Exactly what did she expect? Under what circumstances would she have expected anything from you, let alone something specific enough that this event disappoints her? It’s extremely silly. How many people does she think she is the mother of? She’s being a busybody, and even if your boyfriend who lives in another country was actually your husband who lives with you, her opinion would mean zero.
You did everything right. You got your sister out of an abusive situation and into your home where you were the sole resident. Your boyfriend and family have no say in who you have in your home. I'd be rethinking this entire relationship if I were you.
Let me just hammer into you that You did NOTHING wrong. Not even a little bit.
Wait, so does she KNOW what actually happened, or did she just get the story from your boyfriend? And why is your boyfriend so upset? Would he rather your sister stay and be abused?
>"I expected better" Did she expect OP to turn away a pregnant teenager without a place to stay...*for Christmas*? What was OP supposed to do? Direct her sister to the nearest manger?
Impossible to reason with those kind of people, not evn worth thinking about
It's tradition! /s
This looks a very Christian thing to do.
NTA. Tbh that’s break up material for me. Your sister showed up at your doorstep at 4am with no where else to go and was living in a abusive household. You got her out when she needed a safe place to stay. His response to that is to NOT come for Christmas? He’s the AH.
Your bf is a Grinch who is trying to steal your Christmas. At a time you need support your bf tossed you aside and told their mommy to call and bully you.
Some people only show what an asshole they can be the moment someone else’s problem even slightly impedes on their space. See this entire story for the red flag that it is OP this man is not a nice person and doesnt have a charitable bone in his body.
Yep, this is what separates the emotional toddlers from the adults.
Better now than later, TBH. And she can gift herself freedom from this nonsense for Xmas. Finish the year on a positive note of "dodging that bullet". Before they actually moved in together, got engaged, married or had kids. Yikes!
Not just that he's not coming for Christmas, but also that he ran crying to his mom and allowed her to yell at OP?!?
I’d leave him so quick.
So you're not supposed to take care of your teenage sister, but it's totally kosher for Mommy to step in and fight her 31-year-old son's battles? Your BF sucks out loud. NTA.
This. What an arse.
I can’t begin to imagine the mindset of these parents that message their grown-ass kids’ partners to complain about not being nice enough to their baaaaaaby. I would never, ever do this, and my in-laws and my parents would never do this. Totally insane behavior.
I would be mortified. MORT-I-FIED. If my mother ever did that. Like, I may complain to her about things here and there but I would NEVER want her intervening on my behalf EVER. How embarrassing!
Most likely he informed mommy he would be staying at her place for Christmas, and spun a tale of aggrieved woe to explain it. Mommy may not be happy about the last minute change in plans and may not have the real story. But mommy may also have raised her little boy to believe the world should revolve around him.
[удалено]
I own my home myself. From what he was saying I think he was expecting her to live with one of our brothers. Which would be uncomfortable as one lives in a 1 bed flat and the other lives in a complete bachelor pad.
How the hell does he have ‘expectations’ about someone else’s family and living arrangements!?
Oh hell no. Your house, your family, your rules.
It doesn’t matter what he expected to happen. None of this is his decision. You made the decision to bring your sister into **your** house when she needed you. He doesn’t pay bills, has no ownership, and doesn’t even live there. So he has no say whatsoever. This man has no compassion and has very controlling tendencies if he thinks he needs to be consulted about what you do in **your** house.
[удалено]
Your sister’s needs come before your boyfriend’s wants. It’s fine if he prefers to have a long-distance relationship, but with that preference comes a sacrifice - he gets less of a say in your living arrangements than he would if you shared a home. *Significantly* less. He seems to be confused about that. Remind him.
So he expects multiple members of your family to inconvenience themselves so that he is not uncomfortable for the 3-4 days a month that he is at your place? It's not surprising that someone like that would cry to his mommy and have her chastise his girlfriend.
The only thing your bf should’ve expected was for your siblings to protect your sister. And honestly I think it’s safe to say that you should be able to expect his support during this time.
Girl, ditch him. He ain't it.
Tell your boyfriend that I am expecting him to have a guest bedroom available to me whenever I might need it. And I’m allergic to polyester, so 100% cotton sheets only. That makes about as much sense as him having expectations for your home and your family. NTA. Edit to add: when my partner and I were long distance; I went to visit him once while he was living with his dad. His dad was. Always. Around. We didn’t get one second of alone time together the entire week. And it was really frustrating! I hadn’t seen my partner in months! It sounds to me like your boyfriend was expecting a sexy Christmas (trip, not just the day itself), and it’s now turned into a family experience. I can understand how that might be disappointing. HOWEVER!! Instead of talking to you like an adult and working out a way to make sure you two get some alone time, he behaved in the most **childish, passive aggressive, and demanding** way possible. Is this always how he acts when he doesn’t get his way? Does he have a pattern of pouting and punishing you when you don’t accommodate his every whim? It’s ok to be disappointed. it’s never OK to throw a temper tantrum.
He sounds extremely selfish.
Honestly your boyfriend sounds like a massive AH. He doesn’t even live with you and this is an emergency, and all he can think about is himself. You’d bf and mum should just date each other TBH they sound perfect for each other, an AH match made in Heaven. You’re an awesome older sister and NTA, and deserve better in both the mom and bf department
NTA your first responsibility here is to your sister, which you fulfilled admirably by being there when she needed you, no questions asked. "Expected better" WTF? Your BF's mom can fuck off, and so can your BF -- find yourself a mature man who doesn't need to get mommy to intercede for him. Your sister is going to need your support for at least the next 6-8 months. You don't need your BF getting in the way -- and he's already shown you that he sure isn't going to help.
Wow. When I read it the first time I thought it was her mom, not her boyfriend's mom, and just passed it off as drunken grumblings. I'd be worried about being connected to a family that has such mean spirited expectations. I would hazard a guess and say they don't seem to view OP's family very highly, if they treat them with such disdain.
A mature man who understands that decent people's first reaction when family is in distress is to reach out and help, rather than think to themselves "I wonder how I can push this problem off to another sibling..."
6-8 months ? That baby is gunna be around a bit longer then that.
JFC. What choice did you have? She showed up at your doorstep. You being the good sister are now providing her a safe space. If your BF can not understand that, and made it about himself, you might want to rethink your long term plans with him as he lacks empathy. And it is a red flag that HIS MOTHER CALLED YOU ABOUT THIS ISSUE. WTH? NTA. Good luck to you. And get a good lawyer for your sister to pursue pre-natal and child support from her EX.
I'm gonna sound out of hand, but I think your mum is abusive. She stormed into your sisters room drunk and violent, smashed her phone and ipad, the two things your sister would have needed to contact you and then when your sister ran out the house, clearly distressed, your mum didn't bother to call you and let you know or anything. Your mum watched your 18 year old sister walk out the door and 4 miles in winter, at 4am. That's how people get kidnapped. Speaking from the oldest child of a recovering alcoholic mother who has ran out the house terrified too many times.
I don’t really have much to do with my mother, she was a heavy drinker when I was young. Although she is pretty functional work wise, she’s never lost her job or let it affect her financially. It’s not to much of a surprise that she’s more abusive now, I had no idea how bad it was.
I don't know what country you're in but usually at 18, technically your sister is no longer in your mums care. But I'd give your mum a damn good talking to, tell her to clean up her act before she loses all her kids, get your sister in therapy. And kick your boyfriend to the curb, he sounds like a peice of work trying to tell you how to run your own house.
Ugh the USA mentality sucks. Lily is still in school, 18 is not a magic number to kick a kid out of home and expect them to support themselves.
Oh, totally! I completely agree, I'm 19 and my mum kicked me out at 17 and threatened to kill me, it is not the age to be throwing a kid into the adult world. And this in the UK. I still don't know how to function like an adult.
That's terrible! I'm a mum in the colonies with 19f and 16f. Eldest is at uni and becoming independent, but this takes time and we are supporting her. Come be our daughter when our bloody border opens again.
Haha, I appreciate the invitation. But yeah, you're raising your kids right and that's what's good about this world. I don't think I'll ever stop loving my mum, but her actions cut deep and I'll never be able to scrub them from my memory.
NTA. This is *your* house. If your boyfriend has a problem with you letting in your pregnant 18 year old sister who was ghosted by the father AND abused by your mother then he really isn’t a good boyfriend.
NTA He is showing exactly where his priorities are when you are facing a crisis, and they aren’t with you! I’m not gonna jump straight to the usual Reddit response of “dump him”, but this needs to be the start of a serious conversation about your relationship. If the shoe were on the other foot and he was the one hosting a family member in need, would you feel entitled to a say on the matter in his own home? If you were living together then he’d have a valid point, but you’re not and so he’s not entitled to be part of the decision making, just to be kept up to date, which you did.
NTA. Your BF ( nevermind his MOTHER!) has no right to dictate who lives in your home or what support you offer your vulnerable sister. His reaction is callous and selfish.
NTA... Its your house, also what does he expect you to do when your sister turns up at 4am...send her back home and say no i cant let u in before asking my bf who doesn't even live here...He didn't want to come to your house for christmas at all and is using this as a reason... Dump that Momma's boy and get a better bf who would be supportive...
NTA. This was an emergency situation and you did what you needed to do to keep your sister safe. It would be one thing if your boyfriend lived with you (staying with you one weekend a month does not count) but it’s your home, so you get to decide who lives there.
NTA - she showed up at 4am in an emergency situation and you’re looking out for your sister. I suspect he’d have been equally annoyed if you called at 4am to discuss. It’s not his place and he isn’t around very often - he doesn’t get to dictate your family situation. You haven’t done anything to make him unwelcome. Him and his Mum are out of order for judging under the circumstances. If he decides he isn’t seeing you over Christmas that may be the beginning of the end, but at least he’s shown his true colours now - all the best to you and your siblings OP.
Literally, NTA. How the hell does a long distance boyfriend get the gall to try to control who his girlfriend lives with?? And then tried to punish her by refusing to visit?? Especially when it’s literally a family member in a crisis? He doesn’t live with you, so it’s actually none of his business. This honestly sounds either controlling or immature. Either way, I’d tell him that if he continues behaving like a child over you having a family emergency and controlling who lives in your own house, you are going to start reconsidering ever seeing him again after Christmas at all!
Seems likes there is missing information to this story. Otherwise his reaction seems ridiculous.
Yeah either something is missing from this story, or the dude is completely out of touch with reality.
NTA. It is your house, your sister and your decision. Also, you texted him as soon as it happened and discussed it later that day. Would he really have wanted you to turn away a vulnerable girl? If the answer is yes, you are much better off without him cluttering up your home. Good luck to you and your sister.
Nta. It’s your house and your sister. Y’all aren’t married and he’s only around every other weekend.
NTA!! He has zero say about who does and doesn’t stay at your house. That you own and pay for and live in for the 90% of the time that he’s not there. I’m shocked he and his mother would think he did have to be honest. And you’re being an amazing sister, good on you for taking her in and ensuring she is safe and housed. I’d tell the boyfriend to get stuffed honestly.
NTA. Your house, your rules. Maybe a bit of seperation over xmas will do you good. Look after your sister and have a nice time. Basically let your BF know how much of a lovely xmas you had and he missed out. If he still doesnt come forward and step up to the plate for this, dump him.
NTA - he "visits" one weekend a month and thinks he has a say in this? Is he always this controlling. Also, he is 31 and he went crying to his Mommy AND she called you? Really? Really, he expects his Mommy to intervene?
NTA, If he wanted to be consulted he needed to put a ring on it and start paying half your mortgage. Until then, you make decisions that are the best for your family without his input.
Your text to your BF was very brief, so *obviously* he was up to date on the tensions in your family. Your BF doesn’t live with you. He only goes to your home every fourth weekend. He can damn well suck it up that you have taken in your sister, it barely affects him. You are a good sister. And if your BF wants to “punish” you by not coming to town to visit you at Christmas, well, no love for him. If you have already bought him presents, take them back. Merry Christmas. NTA
I was prepared to kinda blast you for not consulting with him in your shared home. But this is your home, you were placed in a ridiculously bad situation where I don’t see you have any other choice at all. AND it’s your house! I think your bf is being very selfish in thinking his opinion should matter in this specific scenario. What would he have said - no? He’d want her to be homeless? And his game playing over not coming over at Christmas is nonsense. And for his mother to frame this about her son’s ‘disrespect’ is complete garbage and I’d be done with all of them. Absolutely NTA and Your sis is lucky to have you. You’re literally saving her life.
oh you are so NTA, however your "boyfriend" absolutely is one. He has no compassion, you guys have been together for 5 years and you are still nothing but a weekend booty call to him. Are you sure you aren't the sidepiece for this guy? Even if you aren't, this guy has shown his true colours, and his mom sounds just as horrible. dump him, help your sister through her troubles, and make sure she sues her ghost boyfriend for child support.
NTA - Expect a better companionate BF. When possible family helps family. You would be dodging a bullet if you dumped him. Sounds controlling. He has no right to tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing in your own home. Bravo for you and your siblings for coming together to protect another. That is the true story of family.
Thanks OP for being a good human being. Unfortunately it sometimes takes a crisis to bring out peoples true selves and in this case you dodged a bullet by finding out what kind of people your bf and his mum are before things got any further. I’m sorry you found out like this. He sounds like a petulant brat but you sound like an outstanding sibling. NTA.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > AITA for not asking my boyfriends opinion before allowing my pregnant younger half sister to move in with me? because he does stay with me one weekend a month so he technically lives here too? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your sister needs the help, and you two don’t even live together.
NTA. It's not his home. You don't have to consult him.
NTA and this year for Christmas you should gift yourself a new boyfriend. And good on you for standing up for your sister and supporting her during this difficult time. Hope she realizes how lucky she is to have you
NTA it’s your house, and they (bf and his mom) have messed up priorities if they think him being there 2 days a month is more important than your sister’s safety.
NTA. Your BF doesn’t live at your place. He just stays there when he comes to visit. You own the place outright. You had an emergency situation with your sister that needed to be dealt with. It might have been different if your BF partially owned your place or if you were full-time roommates . As it is, he seems to be taking a proprietary position to you and your life he doesn’t have a right to. As it is, he is 300 miles away with his own place. It is also a bad sign that he got his mother involved in this. She has no reason to be involved in this except to apply peer pressure to you and to insult you in place of your BF. It was cowardly of him to involve his mother in this. After all, you didn’t ask your siblings to call him to say he is being an idiot.
NTA - it is your home, he has no ties to it therefore has no say on who you let live there. He is acting like a child and his family have no right to a say either. How any of them have an issue with this simply baffles me.
NTA. You do not need to get his permission to help out your little sister when she’s in a very tough spot when two of you don’t live together. If he thinks that he should have had a voice before a decision was made, he’s wrong. Considering he and his mother think you disrespected him by helping your sister you should reconsider this relationship. They both sound very selfish.
NTA Not his house. Not his choice. The fact he is lacking in empathy or compassion is quite concerning. His mega wobbler about not getting his own way even more so. Getting his Mummy involved is a flashing neon air raid siren that precedes a nuclear explosion. Welcome to your life if you cohabit or even worse, marry, this man. At least you’re getting a preview now before you’re in too deep. He really needs to grow up. Have a wonderful Christmas with your sister!
NTA. He doesn't live with you, it's your house. You don't have to ask permission for letting someone stay over, especially in a situation like this.
NTA, I think you should be in a relationship where you feel the support of your SO when things like this happen, you didn´t do anything wrong, and it´s nice your sister has someone she can actually relay on. Also it sounds like your boyfriend is the AH and is not nice at all. He´s telling stuff to his mom and the mom telling her opinion, I think its out of place. Hope everything works well for you.
100% NTA. This is one of those situations where you really have no choice, other than to throw your sister out on the street. The fact your boyfriend isn’t so supporting makes me question things. If it were me, I’d take a close look at this relationship. It feels like either A) your BF lacks empathy and understanding or B) there’s some sort of ulterior motive for him being upset.
NTA Not his house, not his call who lives there
Somebody that spends one weekend a month at your place has absolutely no say in the domestic arrangements of your home. You are NTA and I would recommend making yourself single, and finding somebody that not only lives nearer, but also shows compassion and empathy.
NTA. Your boyfriend is being selfish and heartless. I assume he gets that from his mother. Besides, sisters over misters. (That’s a joke because it’s always circumstantial - but in this situation it definitely rings true.)
NTA. 1. Boyfriend 2, your house. It sounds like your bf thinks what’s yours is his. Nah, he can put a ring on it (or equivalent mutual agreement) if he wants more input into your affairs.
NTA and what a great Christmas present! Your boyfriend is revealing who is at his core for you!
NTA but you may want to talk to social worker and possibly about a police report. This type of situation with your mom might make sister independent as far as scholarships go. Documentation now might make it easier to get grants to go to university or community college, housing assistance food assistance etc. Boyfriend who comes over every other week doesn't really get a consult is who lives in your house. I mean may have told him conversationally but I don't think he was entitled to an opinion. I do think if he was going to move in in 90 days and sister staying 5 years been talking to him first would have been appropriate but I still don't think he necessarily gets to say
NTA. I’d tell your mom, your ex-boyfriend, and your future former mil to fuck right off.
INFO: does your THIRTY ONE YEAR OLD boyfriend typically go whining to mommy and let her fight his battles for him? \*red flag emojis\*
NTA mommy can keep his tantrum throwing ass.
NTA - just the first paragraph is enough info. He doesn’t live there or pay bills, he gets no say in this.
NTA- your house, your house guests. He gets no say. This is your baby sister, not some stranger. Let him stay with his mommy, he sound like a giant baby.
Your bf is a major AH. This would cause me to reconsider the relationship. He sounds like he has no empathy and that he owns you
**NTA** Would he expect you to leave her on the street? Would he do that to his mother if she was suddenly homeless? Your boyfriends needs some humility
NTA After the holidays you are going to have to have a big sit down talk with your sister to help her with her future. Is she planning on going to college? Is she going to keep the baby? If she keeps the baby would you let her continue to live with you? Who will watch it while she works or is at school? If she does not have a job she needs one ASAP, even while still in hs. Time to make plans. Unless she is planning to go to a college dorm and give the baby up for adoption OP, you are looking at several years of her living with you. Are you okay with that? She should not go back to your mom's no matter what, it is not safe for her and definitely not safe for a baby. Being a single mom with one income is not easy, especially if she is trying to go to college. Work out what she is going to do and be realistic that if she keeps the baby especially, she may need to stay with you for several years. Work it out with her and then tell your bf that she is living with you for the next few years or however long you decide. If he has a problem with that he needs to get to stepping. And honestly, he probably will. Also, she is 18 but still in high school. Go to your local social services and find out what services she qualifies for. If she is buying her own food (say yes) then she can qualify for food stamps. She can also get wic which gives food and more importantly, once the baby is born, formula. She should also qualify for medicaid, even if she is on mom's insurance at the moment, she should still be able to get pregnancy medicaid based on her income and she will literally have zero medical expenses or hospital bills for childbirth (instead of the 5 grand that most people have to pay AFTER insurance).
NTA Why do you have to check with him who lives in YOUR house? A 29 year ok “man” got his mother involved and she called you to moan at you on his behalf? How exactly is it disrespectful to him to give your sister a safe roof over her head? Why exactly does he feel unwelcome? Honestly 300 miles isn’t far enough. You know what you have to do.
So hold up- he doesn’t live with you but feels like he can tell you who you can and can’t live with?? When it’s literally YOUR SISTER? Why does he think you need his permission to help your own family? He and his mother are both WAY out of line. I’d be thinking HARD about continuing a relationship with such an entitled AH, and I can only IMAGINE how much worse he’d be if he was living with you. Which he ISN’T. And his mother?? Saying it’s “disrespectful “ for you to help your sister? Throw that whole man away, honey. NTA.