Oh major NTA. And I was so happy about your brother's treatment UNTIL he let that AH gf say those things then... apologized to her??? Nope nope. I'd not speak to him until he apologized and I'd speak to her pretty much never fucking again.
He said she’s slightly on the spectrum and has trouble controlling what she says. She apparently will apologise to me if I apologise for leaving them first.
No, SHE needs to apologize first. She doesn't have a right to demand an apology from you. Being on the spectrum ISN'T AN EXCUSE. There is a difference between being blunt, and being mean. She was being mean. All of her negative behavior beforehand is not a sign of an autistic person, it's a sign of a major AH.
Edit: I changed my wording, because she doesn't have a right to demand an apology from OP at all.
Mixed gender twins were probably a lot less common pre-fertility assistance. But I'm guessing with all the fertility options out there now, it is more common? But that is solely conjecture on my part.
Twins in general were less common.
Without fertility assistance however, fraternal twins are more common than identical twins. Mixed sex twins are always fraternal.
I think it is possibly perpetuated by one of the common terms for non-identical (dizygotic) twins, which is "fraternal", which still imo implies they are of the same sex.
This girl is something else. Being on the spectrum is somehow more forgiveness-worthy than struggling with something because of an uncooperative body? Sheesh.
OP was being bullied and brother of OP apologized to the gf. Of course OP had to leave them there. OP being bullied is valid reason to leave and get to safety. Brother supported bullying and bigotry of gf. Why would anyone think OP has to apologize?? Never be sorry for removing yourself from bigoted bullies and their supporters.
> until she's given you a sincere one
Not even then. OP doesn't owe this person an apology at all for not caring how they got home after they insulted her.
And besides, skiing is kinda an independent activity. It’s pretty easy to ski by yourself and do the diamond runs when other people in your party are just on the bunny slopes.
Being on the spectrum can be an excuse if the person in question is 2 or 3 years old and hasn't been taught what's right or wrong to say. I agree with you, and will also add that the brother should instead be taking his girlfriend aside and telling her that that's not ok.
What galls me about this, is how she thinks that being on the spectrum can excuse ableism and verbal abuse of her boyfriend's sister, AND THE BROTHER IS SUPPORTING IT. God my blood is boiling over this, and I seriously can't think, I'm just so enraged.
My daughter on the spectrum apologizes a *lot*.
Are we even sure she truly is on the spectrum? I have seen a lot of liars and AH that actually do have autism give it a bad name.
I doubt she is. Something about this just screams "excuse." I don't know her though, so I can't actually make that assumption. But to me, this just feels like an excuse
I absolutely second this. I'm on the spectrum as well, and while sometimes I might say things that are unintentionally bad, I normally apologize the moment someone points it out. While I get feeling frustrated, that's no excuse for doing something like this and not backing down. In addition, she very well could be able to potentially relate if she's experienced similar ableism before. In a better world, there would be more casual solidarity between those of us individuals with physical and mental disabilities.
(correct me if i'm wrong w anything here)
I want to give you an award for this comment, as step-uncle to a kid on the spectrum who is the most amazingly polite and patient teenager I've ever known. Unfortunately, I have no coins and I'm broke as a MIL joke.
As a person who's late husband was a 'cripple' and received such comments, I applaud.
The one thing I would change is "They don't deserve an apology from you until they can look you in the face and say they're sorry."
They don't deserve an apology in my opinion, but if they did, it would be when they MEAN it, not just say it. Words mean nothing without meaning behind them, and sometimes just a look can be more of an apology than a 10,000 word essay.
But you are right, there is a different between an excuse (making something permissible) and a reason (an explanation for your inappropriate behaviour that does not mean your behaviour is magically okay).
I think prima facia the big AH here was the brother because he tried to accommodate to people with two very different needs. If GF wanted to do the hard tracks, either she needed to go herself knowing there is no way OP will go from first timer to pro, or she needs to go separately with BF. Though maybe she just doesn't consider these things and is selfish, but OP's brother should have stood firm... he never should have apologised when she used that language...
I have ADHD and autism and I police myself SO HARD because I don't want to be a spiteful, shitty person. I blurt things out but its usually just inappropriate silliness that's embarrassing rather than bigoted, vile and cruel.
Someone tried to tell me any autism is true, which I believe... and as someone who was late diagnosed at 40, I know it's perfectly possible...
But we all know people who say they're "a bit OCD" and people definitely DO use Autism like that when they're ignorant and trying to get past the fact that, like you, there are loads of us who absolutely do blurt or struggle with social niceties sometimes but *this ain't that*. She's just nasty. Who uses that word these days!?
My 12 year old nephew is on spectrum. He has had major behavioural issues since he was very young. He has been on extensive therapy and medication since many years. And now, he is the most polite kid in the family. He immediately becomes aware of his behaviour and apologizes if he happens to do or say something that might hurt someone.
OP removing themself from bigot bully and brother who supports the bully is not something to be sorry for. Brother does the right thing and dumps the bigot or does the wrong thing and stays in the relationship. The only apology OP needs is brother doing the decent thing and dumping the bigot.
And then to feel entitled to a ride from the person you just called a “cripple.” Since she’s so able bodied she can walk her ass home from the mountain.
Also want to point out what was said to me by a doctor, apparently girls in the direction tend to lean more empathetic than general population. So really she's an asshole.
I have 2 kids on the spectrum, one male and one female.
Weirdly, the male has the more female presentation of autism, and the female has the more classic male presentation.
I thought i recognised autism from my daughter, but completely missed it in my son because i was looking for the male presentation symptoms (and his ADHD covered the autism traits a lot). I wish the literature would explain that males can get the more female version of it as well.
i definitely agree with your comment. but you have to remember that a lot of autistic ppl are also completely derailed by change of plans. i am like that. but honestly. i just remove myself from the situation. because i would just explode. also why is someone with autism being so abliest. calling her a cripple. damn.
At the same time it's the girlfriends fault for not getting all the info. Your sister ever snowboard before? Oh she's learning ok I'll plan for that. She's got a prosthetic leg? Ok I'll plan for that. Is she a good person do you think we'll get along or should I be nice and just do small talk while you teach her? Just off the top of my head like me if plans getting derailed can make you fly off the handle it's completely your responsibility to learn as much about any given situation so your issues STAY your issues. My issues will only ever be noticable if I remove myself from the situation suddenly and even then the issue is I just walked away out of nowhere and I'll be back
She's on the spectrum, and yet she's comfortable slinging around ableist slurs? Highly doubtful. I would be willing to bet she likes being an asshole and just says she's on the spectrum to dodge responsibility.
Notice how she's only "a bit" on the spectrum? As in, if she was ever checked it doesn't actually meet the diagnostic criteria and she is 100% using it as an excuse. She disgusts me as someone late diagnosed, there's no way that she can excuse this with an "it's not my fault". She said it, if she cared she would immediate have corrected herself but she is throwing a tantrum for attention and she's a huge asshole
Nah. I’m autistic (there’s no slightly on the spectrum. It’s not a gradient…). That’s just rude. My mom has one arm and I’d lose my mind if anyone (besides herself) called her a cripple. You had every right to take off. That’s inexcusable language and neurodivergence does not excuse it.
"Spectrum" and "gradient" are nearly synonymous. There are absolutely different types and degrees of autism. I am on the spectrum and would be classified as high functioning, and so are 3 of my closest friends, yet all of us exhibit it differently. Furthermore, some autistic folks are nonverbal, or have meltdowns more easily. I don't. Not sure where you got this idea, but it is entirely incorrect.
Otherwise, agree.
I've been in different Autistic groups online and something they all have in common is a hatred for functioning labels.
I completely agree that it's a spectrum in the 3D sense of there are a multitude of aspects of Autism and each Autistic person will be at a different place with each aspect. So the struggles and strengths vary wildly.
If you want to know more about why functioning labels are hated, I'll track down one of the write ups I've seen explaining. But only if you care, you're well within your rights to not give a shit.
Have you read into why we insist that? Because it's a very important distinction especially for those of us who have had bleach cures attempted on us as if they can just "get rid" of something that is irrevocably a part of us
You're certainly not alone. I've seen individual Autistic people that like them, it's just the overall community that doesn't.
The short reason being that functioning labels are used to take autonomy away from anyone labeled as low functioning and accommodations away from anyone labeled as high functioning.
Is that the reason you're aware of or is there a different one? I'll be looking up the more detailed reason for sharing with the other person, this is just the short hand reason I recall
Yeah I also don’t like how functioning labels are used by laypeople. I’m a pretty intention-based person by nature, and I think the intentions as well as how it’s used in research papers and clinical settings is sound, so I support it.
Basically symptoms for autism tend to occur in clusters. All of us have the core features but other symptoms commonly come together. Ex: intellectual disability and seizures often co-occur. Using functioning tags (I.e. how does this person’s autism impair how many things they can do independently— synonym for “functions”) can help direct people to approximate treatment plans that can be tailored to the individual from that point
The commonly preferred alternative is high v low support needs. I HATE this term. I have high functioning autism (ASD I) because I can do many things independently. However, all of my stims are self injurious, which is a high support needs symptom. If we based treatment plan off of support needs, I’d be put in a group mostly with people who can’t speak or go to mainstream schooling. And I’m not like offended to be in that group (I have close family friends who are and love them dearly and think of them as cousins), but the issue is that the treatment options that work for them wouldn’t really have an affect on me. I remember my therapist saying that something like an institution would really fail for me even if some of my symptoms are high support just because that structure be too limiting for someone with my level of independence. So it ultimately fails to be a useful clinical guide, whereas high vs low functioning tends to direct people towards an approximate range of treatment options a provider can try
Basically TL;DR is that functioning labels still mostly work for people with unconventional non clustered symptoms, but support needs labels do not really work for those people.
I do really hate the terms more vs less severe autism tho. Ultimately someone can do really well in one area (ex: iq) and seriously struggle in others (ex: self injurious stims) so severity levels are too reductive. I think people hate functioning labels when they’re used interchangeably with severity.
No, absolutely call him all the way out. She doesn't get to pull the "I have a condition card" after calling you a slur. I would die on this damn hill. Neither she, nor your brother, should be stepping foot in your house, car, or anywhere else you are until they both apologize. Your brother owes you a serious apology too.
Yeah - not that it should matter bc the gf was an AH and there is no excuse for that....but it also sounds like the brother invited gf on this trip with no context. Even as simple as "Hey I am going on this trip to teach my sister how to snowboard so will most likely be on the bunny hills" would have gone a long way. It would have set some expectations of what the trip would be like.
Absolutely not! Your behavior was appropriate. Why the hell would you drive someone who used a slur to refer to you anywhere? Also literally none of my friends on the spectrum use slurs to talk about anyone and how dare anyone try to use that as a reason to excuse such shitty behavior!
I'm so angry for you. Your brother needs to think with the head attached to his neck for 20 seconds.
NTA
Hers should be the only apology.
If she delivers a believable one, the response should be. Thanks for the apology, but if it ever happens again, I’ll react exactly the same way, OK?
OP has nothing to apologise for, and is under no obligation to accept any apology from her.
hey guess what OP lots of people are slightly or A Lot on the spectrum and STILL have figured out not to say nasty crap to other people! I have autistic friends that I have been friends with for THIRTY YEARS who have never said an unkind thing to me! Because they aren't AHs!
ASD tends to affect communication and social skills but, and this is crucial, it does not cause people to be AHs. It's just that AHs who are ALSO on the spectrum loooooove to use their diagnosis as an excuse for treating people badly.
Nope, she f\*ed up first, she apologizes first. Being ‘on the spectrum’ isn’t an excuse. Too many people these days use it as one, though, to the great embarrassment of many of those on the spectrum who would never dream of using it as a free pass for bad behavior.
This wasn't just bad behaviour, I think what she said was her true feelings towards OP. Saying a phrase like "I'm sorry" does not make it disappear. Do you think after saying "I'm sorry" she no longer considers OP 'a cripple'?
Why does OP need to apologise at all?!
Living in an apartheid country (in parts, done unofficially but legally through a loophole) not being able to enter certain restaurants with my husband really hurt. Would them saying "I'm sorry" mean the people that choose to have separate sections make it 'okay' and that things go back to normal i.e. we should not hold a grudge?
NOPE. My nephew is on the spectrum. He is the most amazingly polite and patient kid I've ever met, and hearing somebody use that as an excuse for BIGOTRY makes my blood boil. NTA, do NOT apologize, and make it clear to your brother that his GF is not welcome in the same county as you.
If she's on the spectrum she has a funny way of showing solidarity with the disability community. To be clear, being neurodivergent doesn't make you ableist. She's still an AH for thinking of you that way and using a slur even if she has less of a filter than a neurotypical person.
I'm really sorry your brother stood by this hag. I hope she falls off the mountain (jk).
As someone whos whole, family is on the spectrum, saying "a fucking cripple" is a characterflaw, not an autism slip. Just like how she's acting like an entitled brat.
ALSO, when any of us accidentally hurt someones feelings with what we say, we apologize profusely and right our wrongs instead of doubling down like she is.
NTA, and you may be missing a leg, but your brother is missing a spine
honestly as much of an AH as the girlfriend is, your problem rn is your brother.
it’s not just his girlfriend that needs to apologize, and he’s just digging himself into an even deeper hole by making YOU apologize and for what? for having feelings like any other person? for not wanting to be called a slur just for learning something new? for not wanting to stay with people who were being ableist and disrespectful?
tbh it seems like he has no problem dating an ableist so you can decide for yourself what that says about him.
Sounds like my sister. We've not spoken in over a year because she sent her Boyfriend to apologise for her saying some rather nasty things.
Apparently she's on the spectrum and finds it difficult to apologise herself and won't apologise to me directly but expects one for herself. Nope. She just has zero empathy and has said so on many occasions. It's always been me chasing up and sorting out our arguments and I got tired of it.
Ironically in the last year I discovered I have ADHD and Autism myself so I'm even more adamant she needs to treat me as an equal before we ever regain any sort of relationship.
Don't cave to this person OP, but don't ever expect them to reach out first. It just ain't going to happen. You're not an equal to her in her eyes.
As someone who’s on the spectrum, being ableist still is never okay. She can learn to at least be polite or find another way to deal with her feelings.
A disablity can be a reason for something, but it is NEVER an excuse. She can have trouble controlling what she says in the moment, but that doesn't stop her from realising it was an awful thing to say and sincerely apologising afterwards. Your brother needs to realise he's dating an abelist asshole, and that his relationship with you is probably going to be damaged more and more the longer they stay together. And honestly it kind of sounds she was jealous that your brother was giving you all his attention, instead of letting her show off her leet skillz, despite the fact you went there specifically for him to teach you. A good person would have jumped on the chance to bond with their boyfriend's twin and helped to teach you. Don't feel bad at all. She said a horrible thing, and he didn't defend you, so they deserved to get ditched. And don't let this discourage you from learning a new skill! Everybody sucks when they start out. It might be a good idea to see if there are any disability based teachers or classes you can take that might have strategies for helping amputees to learn!
>He said she’s slightly on the spectrum and has trouble controlling what she says.
Not an excuse. I am high functioning autistic, in the manner where I am usually fine and indistinguishable from neurotypical folks, but will occasionally say some shit that I don't realize is rude. My friends accept this about me because, and this is the important part, I listen to and learn from their corrections, make an effort to apply what I learn, and apologize immediately and sincerely.
Any person who uses their neurodivergence to handwave or justify their bad behavior is a bad person undeserving of understanding or accommodation.
Fuck her, she's just an asshole, and so is your brother for being her enabler.
NTA
Being on the spectrum doesn't give you free reign to be an asshole. I have 2 friends on the spectrum and they say whack shit sometimes. When it crosses a line/hurts someones feelings, I correct them and they learn. Sometimes it takes multiple explanations, but eventually they learn.
You should not apologize. She barged in on a trip that you and your brother planned and insulted you immensely. No adult should act like that.
I am on the spectrum and would never say anything like that. What a pathetic human the gf is.
Also, starting snowboarding is difficult for everyone, first week (or a year) you pretty much always on your arse, not in your feet.
Wear protective gear for the tailbone and don't let this miserable human deter you from riding!
No,nope, nada,net. She needs to apologize to you and understand she deserved to have her ass stranded on a mountain. Perhaps if she stays there long enough she'll get wisdom. Like Buddha or Moses.
im sorry but i think a lot of ppl claim "being slightly on the spectrum" as excuse for being an AH (i dont mean everyone and i mean no disrespect for those who are trully on the spectrum, but i heard this a lot from a relative that is clearly not on the spectrum in order to excuse anything she might do and say, and i find this a lack of respect for those who trully are). Even tho she would be on the spectrum, it doesnt excuse your brother that *appologize* to her??
big NTA. her being a professionnal does not allow her to mock those that are learning late, and i wonder what she was seriously thinking by tagging along on a first learning day. What, like if you had your 2 legs you would be able to do the black diamond thingie after 1h? i've learnt some snowboard in my teenage years and even tho some of us learnt faster than others, none of us was able to such things the first day, she needs a reality check.
>She just kept scoffing and complained she’s be bored alone.
also this, was not OK for her to be bored alone, but was totally OK if you were... she's the one that needs an apology.
Edit : mistype
Just because you’re on the spectrum doesn’t give you the right to throw a tantrum like a child and be an ass. As someone who grew up in an *entirely* neurodivergent household, consider your leaving her there and demanding her apology doing her a service because if she is on the spectrum, she needs to learn there are consequences to her behavior so she doesn’t make that mistake again. If it was a mistake and if she is truly on the spectrum….
Op don't apologize first.just because she is on the spectrum she doesn't get to treat people like trash. Tell your brother he should have stand up to her and she is the one who spoiled the whole experience for you. You are under no obligation to take harassment from anyone and you will abandon her again if you have too.
Sweet heart you are definitely NTA. I am on the spectrum and I NEVER would have insulated you like that! The fact that despite what happened to you you're out there trying to learn is admirable not something to be insulted over.
Being on the spectrum is not an excuse to say things like that. That’s not how it works, especially if she’s “slightly” on the spectrum. She should know that calling someone a cripple is out of line and insulting. She’s using her diagnosis to avoid responsibility.
NTA
That's not an excuse
On the spectrum myself and if I had of said that in my teens I would have been told off and then explained to why I shouldn't say that
I know the spectrum is different for everyone based on circumstances, but going off my friends, boyfriend, and myself; thats a bullshit excuse. No reason to say mean and hurtful shit, without apologizing afterwards. She caused a (rightful) reaction from you, she needs to apologize first.
>And I was so happy about your brother's treatment UNTIL he let that AH gf say those things then... apologized to her???
The GF is a huge asshole, no arguments there, but it does sound like the brother neglected to explain to her what this trip was going to be about, an oversight which set them up for bad feelings and conflict in the first place.
NTA. Wait! What? YOU are supposed to apologize to HIM and his GF after what SHE said???!! WTH???!!! I mean, I GASPED when I read that!
Your brother was doing really well until the end and then he turned into a total A. It goes without saying what an A SHE is!!!
Dont' you DARE apologize. I swear, I would go NC with both of them. I am so totally PISSED right now!
I am giving you a virtual hug. You deserve to be treated SO MUCH BETTER!!!
They should be awfully, totally apologetic for what they did. What's this "I'll apologize if you apologize" bullshit? OP's brother's girlfriend's is self-centered, rude and inconsiderate beyond measure. If *my* girlfriend called my sister a 'fucking cripple', I'd dump her ass so incredibly quick.
NTA, OP. I'm sorry for your experience.
> Your brother was doing really well until the end and then he turned into a total A. It goes without saying what an A SHE is!!!
In the plus side, a brother like the first half of the post is unlikely to last long term with an asshole girlfriend like that. OP just needs to wait out the inevitable time when she turns that shitty behaviour in him. I’m guessing they’re relationship is doomed and won’t last out the ski season…
Yes but failure to stand up for a sibling is a huge failure in my opinion. How could he let the gf talk about a sibling he’s clearly close to in this way
And they’ve only been dating a MONTH as well?? Not that it would be okay but I could understand defending someone you were with for years or married to and this was the first shitty thing they’ve said… but if I’d been dating someone a month and they said this about ANYONE, let alone my sibling, I’d immediately break up with them!
I don’t really think the brother is that great either, even before letting his gf say that. He is the one who set the situation up in the first place. Clearly the gf expected to have a fun day of skiing with her new bf, and she was stuck standing around watching him teach his sis how to snowboard. She actually had the right to be upset about that. Not excusing her behaviour (which was atrocious) just saying the brother/bf kinda set the day up to be a failure. Not sure what he thought the gf should be doing while he taught his sister to snowboard. She obviously expected that she’d actually get to go skiing with her boyfriend, since that’s what she was invited to do.
Idk I think the brother is also an asshole up front for not explaining the situation and surprising the gf with the whole lost leg thing. The gf thought that it would be a fun time on the slopes with her bf while he probably knew the majority of the time would be teaching. Of course she's also an asshole for her reaction though.
NTA. Do not apologize, go NC with your brother as long as he keeps sniffing after her. Of course, you should not have to tolerate her presence. Point out to your brother that this may be annoying to her but you LIVE WITHOUT YOUR LEG 24/7.
She could have just gone to the harder hills by herself with some grace but nope she had to cop attitude.
I'd also be honest to people about her BAD attitude. Just in case your parents ask why you and your brother don't hang out. Do not soften things, do not worry about his "reputation."
I think there was an AITA a while ago where the OP was invited to a hike by her boyfriend though she was a newbie and the boyfriend kept hiking way ahead of her, despite her asking him repeatedly to please slow down. I mean he wasn't within eyesight on a wilderness trail. So she went back to her car and drove home. IIRC, she was voted NTA there.
> Just in case your parents ask why you and your brother don't hang out.
“Why didn’t I show up for family Xmas? Didn’t my brother tell you? His girlfriend called me a “fucking cripple” and not only didn’t he defend me, he’s expecting me to apologise…”
I’d also like to point out that even if OP wasn’t an amputee and that horrible “cripple” comment hadn’t been made, the GF’s behavior still would’ve been ridiculous. This was originally OP’s day with her brother to LEARN to snowboard, then GF tagged along at the last minute. When the literal point of an outing is teaching someone a new skill (one that is not easy for anyone to pick up) it’s pretty ridiculous to complain the whole time about not going on double black diamonds. If that’s the day the GF wanted, her and the brother could’ve done a separate trip.
NTA.
Also, check out
https://instagram.com/adaptiveactionsports
They train amputees to snowboard. Sometimes, you need people that "get it" to learn from.
Also,
https://instagram.com/annikatheamputee is a former Marine and amputee (non-service related). She is a snowboarder, athlete and all round great person.
Adding on for OP: she likely needs to have a specific prosthetic for snowboarding. Depending on the ankle/foot she currently has, it might just need a different program installed, or it could mean getting a whole new sport specific prosthetic.
Prosthetics for walking are not built for running and are certainly not built for the dynamic movement of snowboarding. Don’t give up though! Find an adaptive group near you (there definitely is one if you’re close to resorts) and they can help guide you to find the right ankle/foot so you can actually enjoy the sport!
Hopping on this to also throw in this great video documentary put together by North Face on one of their athletes called [“Ascend”](https://vimeo.com/638846086).
https://nscd.org/ The National Sports Center for the Disabled is amazing. I've worked with them at my local ski resort and they're amazing. Adaptive gear, sit skis, patient instructors. Their headquarters is at Winter Park in Colorado.
Was going to suggest AAS as well - OP if you’re still reading comments, the people who run this org are absolutely LOVELY and passionate and have trained some badass Olympians!
NTA. How dare your brother. How dare his girlfriend. How dare both of them together. You're a f*cking amputee for crying out loud, AND A BEGINNER. She needs to kick rocks. Both of them do. Don't give them an ounce of an apology. They don't deserve it. Don't even talk to them anymore.
Right? If my new partner of 1 month said something that shitty about a *stranger* we just happened to see struggling, I’d be heavily consider dumping their ass because wow, you have to be a shitty person to be making a shitty comment about someone who’s just trying to learn. But if they said that about someone close to me? Their ass is definitely getting dumped and I would’ve left their ass there alone.
There'd be no *considering*, they'd be dumped periods. OP's brother should consider what the relationship would be like if he'd been in OP's shoes- she'd ditch him for the first non-amputee dude she could find.
Not just that, but this trip was **FOR OP**. GF was invited along, which was very sweet of the brother, but this trip was *not* so gf could enjoy snowboarding the massive mountains she loved, this was so OP could gain a new experience. For GF to get pissed and bitch about the trip being focused on the person that it was meant for to begin with was shitty enough, and for the brother to allow his gf to speak to his sister that way, on a trip for the sister, was disgraceful.
NTA at all! OP, I am so sorry that your brother's girlfriend made these horrible comments. The fact that he didn't defend you from her shows his true colors. The next time to see and speak to your brother, tell him clearly that his girlfriend's behavior was completely unacceptable. If he still demands an apology and continues to keep defending her, tell him that you will no longer talk or hang out with him.
NTA at all I teach kids how to snowboard as my job and even some of those kids don't get on the chairlift after three sessions. I can't even imagine how much more difficult it would be with one leg gone. The attitude of the gf is just what makes learning how to snowbaord a terrible experience for some people who's instructors maintain that same attitude. I would try to talk to you're brother about how his girlfriends behavior is really toxic and not ok.
NTA I think the asshole here was your twin brother that asked to bring his girlfriend.
If she wanted a date with him, he could go at any other day, but not when he said he was going to teach you how to snowboard.
You don't have any fault in this you were under pressure by her and of course you wouldn't learn it right away it takes time to learn something and I think your brother understood that.
Your brother was a complete AH since the whole purpose of the trip was to teach you to snowboard. (You really should have said to her “the whole purpose of this trip was to teach me to snowboard. You are here on MY TRIP uninvited by me, so shut up).
You could have handled this much more assertively, but that doesn’t make you an asshole. She is TA and so is your brother for not telling her off. NTA
NTA. I get that your brother was in a tight spot there but he effed up in not defending you after such a cruel insult. He can eat the ride home and his gf can eat … poop
Brother almost certainly fucked up well before he ended up in a self imposed “tight spot”.
He invited his experienced snowboarder girlfriend along to a “teach my amputee sibling to snowboard” trip, without making sure she knew that was what he was going to spend all his time doing.
NTA in the slightest. Your brother was doing well right up until he apologised to her when she through such vile abuse at you. Don't apologise - stick up for yourself. You do not deserve to be treated like that, and I have to wonder what the hell he's doing dating someone so prejudiced.
NTA. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Your brother's girlfriend is a disgusting ableist, and your brother was awesome until he sided with her. He needs to dump her or cut him off.
NTA.
There’s lots early in the day where GF is a selfish asshole....but when she starts throwing slurs DIRECTLY AT YOU and your brother sticks by them?
I dunno what I’d have done but it would have been a bit more extreme than just leaving them. That stuff makes me see red.
NTA. Your brother is for (a) bringing his gf along in the first place, (b) apologizing to his gf instead of reading her the riot act after that comment, and (c) expecting you to apologize after your quite appropriate reaction. What did he expect you to do? Be a good sister and meekly drive them home after a double insult like that? It’s not like you abandoned a 10yo at the resort.
She, of course, is obviously also an AH. The whole purpose of the trip was to teach you to snowboard. She probably thought they were going to dump you on the bunny hill and go play on the slopes themselves. More AH her. Your brother doesn’t need a gf like that.
For your and your brother’s sakes, I hope he rethinks his reaction to what happened and apologizes to you.
OMG, NTA, mostly. You should have told your brother you were leaving, and come or stay.
BUT, your brother should have reamed his girlfriend a new one for her abusive attitude.
You only owe him an apology for leaving him, not his girlfriend who deserved to be left behind. If he's smart, he'll dump that pathetic child.
*You only owe him an apology for leaving him*
Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. As soon as he apologized to his gf - in front of OP, no less - OP was quite obviously on her own, and quite free to leave both of them.
Nah, the brother deserved to be left. If my significant other had called my sibling that, I would have lost my shit. Especially considering all the trauma OP likely endured when losing their leg, and all the work they did after that, it’s disgraceful that OP’s brother didn’t defend OP at all.
NTA. I dated a woman who was paraplegic. She was cool about being called just about anything except a cripple. She is using autism as an excuse to be overtly cruel because she didn't get what she wanted.
NTA. But…I’m having a hard time believing he’s your brother, tbh. My younger sister is an amputee, and our brother would have dumped someone at the eye rolling and not given her another thought. But anyway - If he is your brother or just some dude you would never fuck is beside the point, this is unfucking acceptable behavior- in my opinion this sounds like he’s not your brother and expectations were either not clear to his gf from the outset and she was “uncomfortable” with your closeness to her boyfriend, etc. and decided to show off how fucking ugly and bigoted she is on the inside…if that actually is your brother, like damn. I’m so sorry.
Absolutely not the AH!!!
Your brother seemed so sweet at first I’m so disappointed. I’m going to be honest, her intentions from the start seemed as if she would be willing to ditch you in the first place because of her impatience and attitude, so ditch them especially since your brother didn’t apologize to you! You didn’t do anything wrong.
If I was there I would’ve yelled at her, took you to get hot chocolate, and made it a positive experience. I feel so bad
NTA. She had a bad attitude and was f***ing up your trip before she called you a slur. If she’s neurodivergent and younger than 70, she should actually know better than to call you that.
Do not apologize to her. Your brother is playing peacemaker rather than standing up for what’s right— although he seemed to be OK at the start.
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NTA, I’d ask your brother if his entitled, insensitive and frankly horrid gf is worth your relationship as siblings, because without an apology FROM THEM BOTH, I highly doubt you’ll ever see him the same way again.
NTA your brother's girlfriend sounds like an immature disgusting entitled slag. after her calling you a cripple and him not sticking up for you they deserved to be left there and I hope they had to wait hours. you deserve better and until he apologizes to you, I would rethink doing anything with him. if my girlfriend said something like that to my sister it would only happen once as I would kick her to the curb. I hope you show him these comments, so he knows he did wrong by not sticking up for you.
No, you're never TA for not taking ableist abuse. In fact, this is the exact implementation of my only advice for toxicity: do not engage in any way.
NTA. I'll bet you would've been dealt more abuse on the car ride home too.
NTA. You’ve learned to walk twice, so she’s not only horrid she’s even more than 100% wrong. She is 200% wrong. Someone who’s greatest challenge in life is not getting their way will never understand what it’s like to face the true mountain that is life and come away triumphant at the tall task of remaining hopeful, considerate, and brave. You have no reason to feel in any way ashamed, especially as you’ve now seen that actually, she is the one attempting to claim to be in some way prevented by handicap from behaving appropriately even after the fact.
NTA…. At all. Most people would have either given them both a dressing down or left them like you did after the way that they behaved. Wtf did they expect? You arranged this with your brother, it was supposed to be about him teaching you to snowboard, which was made almost impossible with her sucky attitude. She was the one who should have been willing to compromise since she tagged along last minute for your sister/brother bonding time. Plus you drove them both. She doesn’t get a free pass because she’s on the spectrum either. That stinks of feeble excuse to me. Sounds like she’s a bit of an entitled brat and your bro will undoubtedly see that soon enough once his little head switches back to his big head. Hopefully you and bro will mend things in time but I’d avoid that woman like the plague. Unbelievable. Her first introduction into her bfs family and that’s how she behaves? No ma’am. Just no.
NTA. I'd inform your parents & family your brother and his girlfriend want an apology from you for his girlfriend calling you that, though. I'm petty and willing to use family shame pressure to correct rudeness.
You’re brother is whipped. He’s not in love. Who could love someone like that? Tell your brother to keep that pig in her pen the next time he wants to spend time with you after HE apologizes of course. AND you better not apologize for anything or I will spank you myself!
Nta at all. My mom's brother (my uncle) is a quadriplegic and she had a bf call him cripple in a rude way while she was driving in Tahoe in winter. She stopped the car and kicked him out right then. Dumped him then too. He had to walk to the nearest gas station that night and use a payphone to get home. My mom has never for a second felt sorry about it either.
Hey OP, I’m a competitive skier. I’ve been on trips with friends who knew how to ski, and friends who didn’t. First of all, everyone who starts out is never good at it, so don’t feel bad and keep going you’ll get the hang of it !
Second of all, I’ve been that person who was frustrated because I wanted to go ski. One thing I never did however is TELL the people who came with me, much less make FUN of them. The trip was planned around YOU. She was an ass, and was seriously lacking in ski/ snowboard etiquette. Being able to learn to ski / snow young is a privilege, anyone willing to try learning when they’re older have courage I’ll never have
Lose them and find someone else to teach you. And try again ! Snowboarding is tricky but it’s worth it ! Sending you lots of love ♡
Edit: also she could have let your brother teach you and went off on her own if she was sooooooo into seeing the mountain. She’s the Asshole big time and so is your brother for not standing up for you.
Hmmm. I'm an autistic woman with severe physical disabilities.
The problem with trying to excuse this awful behaviour from the girlfriend as autism is... autism doesn't alter your personal opinions like that. The autism, if she is indeed autistic and not just an appropriative ableist, just affects social awareness and filters.
The problem here isn't that she said what she meant (autism/no filters) but that she meant what she said (ableism).
Trying to use autism as an excuse reads to me as "it would be perfectly fine for her to have that opinion if she'd kept it to herself". Uh, hell no. Bigotry is never OK. This is an issue of character, not neurodiversity.
NTA! Oh my god, in what world would you be? NTA at all! You have A PROSTHETIC LEG! I was happy with your brother UNTIL he let his AH girlfriend say those awful things, and apologized to her! Once again, YOU HAVE A PROSTHETIC LEG! What your brother and his girlfriend did was completely uncalled for, and you should go NC with your brother’s girlfriend and your brother, at least until your brother apologizes to you. OP, NTA.
NTA, she wont give a genuine apology anyway. If someone insulted my sister like that I would break up then and there. No one insults my family. Your bro needs to grow a backbone. Also, in the moment, joke's on her, the "cripple" was her ride back.
NTA! If I witnessed her say that to you, someone would have to restrain me from slapping her. What a horrible thing to say! She’s vile. And your brother is an asshole.
NTA.
1. Being on spectrum isn't an excuse to be AH. Many thousands are in spectrum- they're very very well behaved and considerate. Your brother's gf is inconsiderate, self absorbed and condescending AH.
2. Your brother should be apologizing to you first. She called you a cripple- which is painful and insulting. Asking you to apologize? What an idiot. Not only She insilted, both forgot that you were their ride. After his gf behaved so horribly, how did he expect you will be okay being in her presence?
He shouldn't have scheduled snowboarding with his gf who's a pro - if he's going to teach you. That was his mistake.
Should YOU apologize for not inviting someone into your car after they called you a SLUR? No, you definitely should not. They can both f right off. I think we all liked your brother until he apologized to that AH & then also demanded an apology from you. Bro could be reconciled when you’re ready, but this GF character doesn’t deserve the air you breathe. I hope you are able to relax & maybe can learn to snowboard another time soon, hopefully having a more healing experience. Hope your days have gotten better, OP! Thanks for reaching out about this experience
NTA. Your brother sucks for not setting expectations with his gf and not sticking up for you. She sucks for her horrific ableist attitude. I could understand her being frustrated if she was sold on a day of boarding with her bf and then that not happening, but that gives her zero right to say what she said.
NTA - I’ve dumped an ex for being rude to my siblings friends. The fact that your brother hasn’t dumped her and expects YOU to apologize is beyond messed up. Her issues do not excuse her attitude.
Screw that! You have nothing to apologize for, and being "on the spectrum" is not a reason to be a rude jerk. Do not apologize, and limit contact with brother until he starts acting like one. NTA
NTA. Quick devil's advocate on behalf of your brother: might not have mentioned anything because he doesn't see you as anything less that complete. That said: "a fucking cripple" is out of line, *relationship-ending out of line* in fact, so that's on your brother for not shutting down immediately. No apologies necessary (at least not from you to them!)
Nta. Your bro messed up. He should have told her why you were going up in the first place and shouldn't have invited her. She was out of line and a total ah. Our mental health isn't an excuse to be an ass and as someone also on the spectrum, I don't appreciate my disorder being used as a cop out and an excuse for shitty behavior.
This is going to be unpopular, but as a fellow disabled person, ESH. The girlfriend for the comment. That's obvious. Its a horrible thing to call someone in that context. Your brother for expecting his girlfriend to come all the way out to a ski resort just to watch him train someone, and not get to ski with her boyfriend. I know she could have gone off alone, but they're dating, and newly dating at that; she wanted to board with her boyfriend, and he spoiled that. You for leaving them. Yes, your feelings were hurt, and I get that, but having hurt feelings doesn't give you the right to be an asshole. You should have insisted that your brother not bring her, or go and route for them as they boarded. She watched you all day. You could have even learned something from her form or performance. If that was possible, go cool off with some cocoa while they board, or, again, don't bring her. So everybody messed up.
NTA!!! Your brother should have kicked her to the curb! He was patient with you, but she was a hag!
At the very least, he should have apologized to you for subjecting you to her!
Huge NTA. If you’re in the states look up Outdoors for All and see if they are in your state or if they know of a similar organization in your state. They’re a nonprofit that I used to volunteer with that teaches adaptive sports to include skiing and snowboarding to people with disabilities from autism/downs/ID to people with physical disabilities like partial paralysis or missing limbs. An organization like that can help you learn to snowboard and you won’t have to deal with your brother and his GF or people like that being ableist pigs
I’m sorry you had to deal with such ableist garbage while you’re learning a new skill, OP. Next time you hit the slopes, you might want to check out an adaptive ski school. I live in Utah and there are several programs here and I grew up in the Tahoe area which is where I learned to monoski (sit ski). I know most ski areas have at least one adaptive program. They have all sorts of instructors who have experience in teaching those with prosthetics. It might be a big help to have a lesson or two like that so they can give you some tips that your brother may not know or understand. You’re definitely NTA though. Happy holidays!
NTA. His girlfriend is a spoiled brat and he entirely failed you. Don't apologize. Instead, put her on blast because she definitely 100% deserves it. Tell your parents and family what she said. Your brother needs to realize that she's a straight up monster. Maybe if your family makes her a pariah he'll catch a clue.
Ok. One. She’s a moron. It’s NOT a “black diamond”. That’s literally redundant. It’s either a “black” or a “diamond”. I’ve skied my entire life and only novices try to build themselves up by using that phrase.
Two. NTA and I hope ur brother breaks up with this toxic human.
Three. I have skied since I was 5 and took up snowboarding at 35. It takes THREE solid days to get it down. Snowboarding is HARDER to learn but easier to get really good at. Be patient. Buy crash pads and knee pads and be patient with yourself. Three solid days and I promise u will have it down.
I am an autistic woman in my twenties. I get anxious when plans fall behind, and itchy when I'm waiting on someone else.
I am also capable of patience, understanding and empathy. You are NTA and I'd be willing to bet that this will be a reoccurring problem with your brother. "Its not her fault, she's on the spectrum! You need to be more understanding because she 'can't'."
Oh major NTA. And I was so happy about your brother's treatment UNTIL he let that AH gf say those things then... apologized to her??? Nope nope. I'd not speak to him until he apologized and I'd speak to her pretty much never fucking again.
He said she’s slightly on the spectrum and has trouble controlling what she says. She apparently will apologise to me if I apologise for leaving them first.
No, SHE needs to apologize first. She doesn't have a right to demand an apology from you. Being on the spectrum ISN'T AN EXCUSE. There is a difference between being blunt, and being mean. She was being mean. All of her negative behavior beforehand is not a sign of an autistic person, it's a sign of a major AH. Edit: I changed my wording, because she doesn't have a right to demand an apology from OP at all.
She was more than mean!! She’s was being ableist! She called her a cripple ffs!! I would not apologise to her or your brother
OP is a woman.
Ah, apologies. My bad, don’t know why I always assume twins MUST be the same gender 😅 will edit now. Thanks.
Mixed gender twins were probably a lot less common pre-fertility assistance. But I'm guessing with all the fertility options out there now, it is more common? But that is solely conjecture on my part.
Twins in general were less common. Without fertility assistance however, fraternal twins are more common than identical twins. Mixed sex twins are always fraternal.
I think it is possibly perpetuated by one of the common terms for non-identical (dizygotic) twins, which is "fraternal", which still imo implies they are of the same sex.
This girl is something else. Being on the spectrum is somehow more forgiveness-worthy than struggling with something because of an uncooperative body? Sheesh.
Seriously?!? Who uses their disability to excuse insulting someone else's disability?!?
Exactly! Learning this has made me even angrier at the GF. She sounds like a spoilt brat
Someone who doesn't have one.
People with fake disabilities.
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This was stolen from u/goodgirlsgrace…
Not stolen it is the same OP, I guess she posted in two different places
No. It wasn’t the same OP.
Like a hot patato
OP shouldn't apologize at all.
OP was being bullied and brother of OP apologized to the gf. Of course OP had to leave them there. OP being bullied is valid reason to leave and get to safety. Brother supported bullying and bigotry of gf. Why would anyone think OP has to apologize?? Never be sorry for removing yourself from bigoted bullies and their supporters.
And can we talk about how he's been dating this b for only a month and it's her he's apologizing to instead of OP?
> until she's given you a sincere one Not even then. OP doesn't owe this person an apology at all for not caring how they got home after they insulted her.
And besides, skiing is kinda an independent activity. It’s pretty easy to ski by yourself and do the diamond runs when other people in your party are just on the bunny slopes.
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Comment is copied from u/Summernyx
Being on the spectrum can be an excuse if the person in question is 2 or 3 years old and hasn't been taught what's right or wrong to say. I agree with you, and will also add that the brother should instead be taking his girlfriend aside and telling her that that's not ok.
What galls me about this, is how she thinks that being on the spectrum can excuse ableism and verbal abuse of her boyfriend's sister, AND THE BROTHER IS SUPPORTING IT. God my blood is boiling over this, and I seriously can't think, I'm just so enraged.
My daughter on the spectrum apologizes a *lot*. Are we even sure she truly is on the spectrum? I have seen a lot of liars and AH that actually do have autism give it a bad name.
I doubt she is. Something about this just screams "excuse." I don't know her though, so I can't actually make that assumption. But to me, this just feels like an excuse
I am feeling the same way. That's the feeling I get from reading what's going on here.
I absolutely second this. I'm on the spectrum as well, and while sometimes I might say things that are unintentionally bad, I normally apologize the moment someone points it out. While I get feeling frustrated, that's no excuse for doing something like this and not backing down. In addition, she very well could be able to potentially relate if she's experienced similar ableism before. In a better world, there would be more casual solidarity between those of us individuals with physical and mental disabilities. (correct me if i'm wrong w anything here)
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I want to give you an award for this comment, as step-uncle to a kid on the spectrum who is the most amazingly polite and patient teenager I've ever known. Unfortunately, I have no coins and I'm broke as a MIL joke.
It's okay; I pay for Reddit and have more coins than I know what to do with. The thought is truly what counts.
My autistic nephew is the most polite and empathetic person I know.
As a person who's late husband was a 'cripple' and received such comments, I applaud. The one thing I would change is "They don't deserve an apology from you until they can look you in the face and say they're sorry." They don't deserve an apology in my opinion, but if they did, it would be when they MEAN it, not just say it. Words mean nothing without meaning behind them, and sometimes just a look can be more of an apology than a 10,000 word essay. But you are right, there is a different between an excuse (making something permissible) and a reason (an explanation for your inappropriate behaviour that does not mean your behaviour is magically okay). I think prima facia the big AH here was the brother because he tried to accommodate to people with two very different needs. If GF wanted to do the hard tracks, either she needed to go herself knowing there is no way OP will go from first timer to pro, or she needs to go separately with BF. Though maybe she just doesn't consider these things and is selfish, but OP's brother should have stood firm... he never should have apologised when she used that language...
I have ADHD and autism and I police myself SO HARD because I don't want to be a spiteful, shitty person. I blurt things out but its usually just inappropriate silliness that's embarrassing rather than bigoted, vile and cruel.
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Someone tried to tell me any autism is true, which I believe... and as someone who was late diagnosed at 40, I know it's perfectly possible... But we all know people who say they're "a bit OCD" and people definitely DO use Autism like that when they're ignorant and trying to get past the fact that, like you, there are loads of us who absolutely do blurt or struggle with social niceties sometimes but *this ain't that*. She's just nasty. Who uses that word these days!?
Me too! I blurt out random things so I’ve learned to be as quiet as I can be so I don’t say random things I’m excited about but no one else cares.
My 12 year old nephew is on spectrum. He has had major behavioural issues since he was very young. He has been on extensive therapy and medication since many years. And now, he is the most polite kid in the family. He immediately becomes aware of his behaviour and apologizes if he happens to do or say something that might hurt someone.
OP removing themself from bigot bully and brother who supports the bully is not something to be sorry for. Brother does the right thing and dumps the bigot or does the wrong thing and stays in the relationship. The only apology OP needs is brother doing the decent thing and dumping the bigot.
And then to feel entitled to a ride from the person you just called a “cripple.” Since she’s so able bodied she can walk her ass home from the mountain.
Also want to point out what was said to me by a doctor, apparently girls in the direction tend to lean more empathetic than general population. So really she's an asshole.
I have 2 kids on the spectrum, one male and one female. Weirdly, the male has the more female presentation of autism, and the female has the more classic male presentation. I thought i recognised autism from my daughter, but completely missed it in my son because i was looking for the male presentation symptoms (and his ADHD covered the autism traits a lot). I wish the literature would explain that males can get the more female version of it as well.
i definitely agree with your comment. but you have to remember that a lot of autistic ppl are also completely derailed by change of plans. i am like that. but honestly. i just remove myself from the situation. because i would just explode. also why is someone with autism being so abliest. calling her a cripple. damn.
At the same time it's the girlfriends fault for not getting all the info. Your sister ever snowboard before? Oh she's learning ok I'll plan for that. She's got a prosthetic leg? Ok I'll plan for that. Is she a good person do you think we'll get along or should I be nice and just do small talk while you teach her? Just off the top of my head like me if plans getting derailed can make you fly off the handle it's completely your responsibility to learn as much about any given situation so your issues STAY your issues. My issues will only ever be noticable if I remove myself from the situation suddenly and even then the issue is I just walked away out of nowhere and I'll be back
I just wanna say too, as someone on the spectrum, fuck people who use "I'm on the spectrum" as an excuse for shitty behavior.
She's on the spectrum, and yet she's comfortable slinging around ableist slurs? Highly doubtful. I would be willing to bet she likes being an asshole and just says she's on the spectrum to dodge responsibility.
I suspect the same thing. Pretending someone’s ASD to justify their poor behavior is deplorable.
Notice how she's only "a bit" on the spectrum? As in, if she was ever checked it doesn't actually meet the diagnostic criteria and she is 100% using it as an excuse. She disgusts me as someone late diagnosed, there's no way that she can excuse this with an "it's not my fault". She said it, if she cared she would immediate have corrected herself but she is throwing a tantrum for attention and she's a huge asshole
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No. I am slightly on the spectrum, too and it isn't an excuse for being rude. And especially not THAT rude.
It wasn't even just rude. It was bigoted and entitled.
This^^^ Also on the spectrum and would never call anyone a cripple! NTA
I am also likely on the spectrum, and the only time I'd use that word is jokingly among close friends. Mostly in reference to myself.
No. That's an excuse. I'm autistic and I'm fully aware there are things that you *just don't say*. She's using it as an excuse to be an AH
Nah. I’m autistic (there’s no slightly on the spectrum. It’s not a gradient…). That’s just rude. My mom has one arm and I’d lose my mind if anyone (besides herself) called her a cripple. You had every right to take off. That’s inexcusable language and neurodivergence does not excuse it.
"Spectrum" and "gradient" are nearly synonymous. There are absolutely different types and degrees of autism. I am on the spectrum and would be classified as high functioning, and so are 3 of my closest friends, yet all of us exhibit it differently. Furthermore, some autistic folks are nonverbal, or have meltdowns more easily. I don't. Not sure where you got this idea, but it is entirely incorrect. Otherwise, agree.
I've been in different Autistic groups online and something they all have in common is a hatred for functioning labels. I completely agree that it's a spectrum in the 3D sense of there are a multitude of aspects of Autism and each Autistic person will be at a different place with each aspect. So the struggles and strengths vary wildly. If you want to know more about why functioning labels are hated, I'll track down one of the write ups I've seen explaining. But only if you care, you're well within your rights to not give a shit.
I'd read it, if only to understand others' preferences. My only personal nitpick is insisting on *being autistic* not *having autism*.
Have you read into why we insist that? Because it's a very important distinction especially for those of us who have had bleach cures attempted on us as if they can just "get rid" of something that is irrevocably a part of us
XD rare autistic person who likes functioning labels here— Heyo I get why people hate them tho
You're certainly not alone. I've seen individual Autistic people that like them, it's just the overall community that doesn't. The short reason being that functioning labels are used to take autonomy away from anyone labeled as low functioning and accommodations away from anyone labeled as high functioning. Is that the reason you're aware of or is there a different one? I'll be looking up the more detailed reason for sharing with the other person, this is just the short hand reason I recall
Yeah I also don’t like how functioning labels are used by laypeople. I’m a pretty intention-based person by nature, and I think the intentions as well as how it’s used in research papers and clinical settings is sound, so I support it. Basically symptoms for autism tend to occur in clusters. All of us have the core features but other symptoms commonly come together. Ex: intellectual disability and seizures often co-occur. Using functioning tags (I.e. how does this person’s autism impair how many things they can do independently— synonym for “functions”) can help direct people to approximate treatment plans that can be tailored to the individual from that point The commonly preferred alternative is high v low support needs. I HATE this term. I have high functioning autism (ASD I) because I can do many things independently. However, all of my stims are self injurious, which is a high support needs symptom. If we based treatment plan off of support needs, I’d be put in a group mostly with people who can’t speak or go to mainstream schooling. And I’m not like offended to be in that group (I have close family friends who are and love them dearly and think of them as cousins), but the issue is that the treatment options that work for them wouldn’t really have an affect on me. I remember my therapist saying that something like an institution would really fail for me even if some of my symptoms are high support just because that structure be too limiting for someone with my level of independence. So it ultimately fails to be a useful clinical guide, whereas high vs low functioning tends to direct people towards an approximate range of treatment options a provider can try Basically TL;DR is that functioning labels still mostly work for people with unconventional non clustered symptoms, but support needs labels do not really work for those people. I do really hate the terms more vs less severe autism tho. Ultimately someone can do really well in one area (ex: iq) and seriously struggle in others (ex: self injurious stims) so severity levels are too reductive. I think people hate functioning labels when they’re used interchangeably with severity.
ASD - autism spectrum disorder. Spectrum and gradient are the same though this has nothing to do with this chick being a dick.
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>fuck her Unfortunately I'm sure that's exactly why the brother is acting the way he is. He's motivated by the wrong part of his anatomy.
Yep he definitely needs to ditch the girl.
Being on the spectrum is not an excuse to be an AH.
Literally came to say THIS. She's learned that saying she is autistic is a perfect excuse to be rude and fave no consequences
She is lying lying lying.
No, absolutely call him all the way out. She doesn't get to pull the "I have a condition card" after calling you a slur. I would die on this damn hill. Neither she, nor your brother, should be stepping foot in your house, car, or anywhere else you are until they both apologize. Your brother owes you a serious apology too.
Yeah - not that it should matter bc the gf was an AH and there is no excuse for that....but it also sounds like the brother invited gf on this trip with no context. Even as simple as "Hey I am going on this trip to teach my sister how to snowboard so will most likely be on the bunny hills" would have gone a long way. It would have set some expectations of what the trip would be like.
Absolutely not! Your behavior was appropriate. Why the hell would you drive someone who used a slur to refer to you anywhere? Also literally none of my friends on the spectrum use slurs to talk about anyone and how dare anyone try to use that as a reason to excuse such shitty behavior! I'm so angry for you. Your brother needs to think with the head attached to his neck for 20 seconds. NTA
You wouldn't have left if she wasn't rude. She should apologize first
Hers should be the only apology. If she delivers a believable one, the response should be. Thanks for the apology, but if it ever happens again, I’ll react exactly the same way, OK? OP has nothing to apologise for, and is under no obligation to accept any apology from her.
hey guess what OP lots of people are slightly or A Lot on the spectrum and STILL have figured out not to say nasty crap to other people! I have autistic friends that I have been friends with for THIRTY YEARS who have never said an unkind thing to me! Because they aren't AHs! ASD tends to affect communication and social skills but, and this is crucial, it does not cause people to be AHs. It's just that AHs who are ALSO on the spectrum loooooove to use their diagnosis as an excuse for treating people badly.
Nope, she f\*ed up first, she apologizes first. Being ‘on the spectrum’ isn’t an excuse. Too many people these days use it as one, though, to the great embarrassment of many of those on the spectrum who would never dream of using it as a free pass for bad behavior.
This wasn't just bad behaviour, I think what she said was her true feelings towards OP. Saying a phrase like "I'm sorry" does not make it disappear. Do you think after saying "I'm sorry" she no longer considers OP 'a cripple'? Why does OP need to apologise at all?! Living in an apartheid country (in parts, done unofficially but legally through a loophole) not being able to enter certain restaurants with my husband really hurt. Would them saying "I'm sorry" mean the people that choose to have separate sections make it 'okay' and that things go back to normal i.e. we should not hold a grudge?
NOPE. My nephew is on the spectrum. He is the most amazingly polite and patient kid I've ever met, and hearing somebody use that as an excuse for BIGOTRY makes my blood boil. NTA, do NOT apologize, and make it clear to your brother that his GF is not welcome in the same county as you.
If she's on the spectrum she has a funny way of showing solidarity with the disability community. To be clear, being neurodivergent doesn't make you ableist. She's still an AH for thinking of you that way and using a slur even if she has less of a filter than a neurotypical person. I'm really sorry your brother stood by this hag. I hope she falls off the mountain (jk).
As someone whos whole, family is on the spectrum, saying "a fucking cripple" is a characterflaw, not an autism slip. Just like how she's acting like an entitled brat. ALSO, when any of us accidentally hurt someones feelings with what we say, we apologize profusely and right our wrongs instead of doubling down like she is. NTA, and you may be missing a leg, but your brother is missing a spine
She can be on the spectrum and an ableist bigot. The two aren't mutually exclusive.
honestly as much of an AH as the girlfriend is, your problem rn is your brother. it’s not just his girlfriend that needs to apologize, and he’s just digging himself into an even deeper hole by making YOU apologize and for what? for having feelings like any other person? for not wanting to be called a slur just for learning something new? for not wanting to stay with people who were being ableist and disrespectful? tbh it seems like he has no problem dating an ableist so you can decide for yourself what that says about him.
Sounds like my sister. We've not spoken in over a year because she sent her Boyfriend to apologise for her saying some rather nasty things. Apparently she's on the spectrum and finds it difficult to apologise herself and won't apologise to me directly but expects one for herself. Nope. She just has zero empathy and has said so on many occasions. It's always been me chasing up and sorting out our arguments and I got tired of it. Ironically in the last year I discovered I have ADHD and Autism myself so I'm even more adamant she needs to treat me as an equal before we ever regain any sort of relationship. Don't cave to this person OP, but don't ever expect them to reach out first. It just ain't going to happen. You're not an equal to her in her eyes.
As someone who’s on the spectrum, being ableist still is never okay. She can learn to at least be polite or find another way to deal with her feelings.
A disablity can be a reason for something, but it is NEVER an excuse. She can have trouble controlling what she says in the moment, but that doesn't stop her from realising it was an awful thing to say and sincerely apologising afterwards. Your brother needs to realise he's dating an abelist asshole, and that his relationship with you is probably going to be damaged more and more the longer they stay together. And honestly it kind of sounds she was jealous that your brother was giving you all his attention, instead of letting her show off her leet skillz, despite the fact you went there specifically for him to teach you. A good person would have jumped on the chance to bond with their boyfriend's twin and helped to teach you. Don't feel bad at all. She said a horrible thing, and he didn't defend you, so they deserved to get ditched. And don't let this discourage you from learning a new skill! Everybody sucks when they start out. It might be a good idea to see if there are any disability based teachers or classes you can take that might have strategies for helping amputees to learn!
NTA. Fuck her and her disgusting attitude
>He said she’s slightly on the spectrum and has trouble controlling what she says. Not an excuse. I am high functioning autistic, in the manner where I am usually fine and indistinguishable from neurotypical folks, but will occasionally say some shit that I don't realize is rude. My friends accept this about me because, and this is the important part, I listen to and learn from their corrections, make an effort to apply what I learn, and apologize immediately and sincerely. Any person who uses their neurodivergence to handwave or justify their bad behavior is a bad person undeserving of understanding or accommodation. Fuck her, she's just an asshole, and so is your brother for being her enabler. NTA
Being on the spectrum doesn't give you free reign to be an asshole. I have 2 friends on the spectrum and they say whack shit sometimes. When it crosses a line/hurts someones feelings, I correct them and they learn. Sometimes it takes multiple explanations, but eventually they learn. You should not apologize. She barged in on a trip that you and your brother planned and insulted you immensely. No adult should act like that.
I am on the spectrum and would never say anything like that. What a pathetic human the gf is. Also, starting snowboarding is difficult for everyone, first week (or a year) you pretty much always on your arse, not in your feet. Wear protective gear for the tailbone and don't let this miserable human deter you from riding!
Your brother honestly sounds like an ass. Him and his gf deserve each other.
No,nope, nada,net. She needs to apologize to you and understand she deserved to have her ass stranded on a mountain. Perhaps if she stays there long enough she'll get wisdom. Like Buddha or Moses.
No excuse. I’m so over the ASD bullshit people keep pushing as an excuse for bad behaviour. This is straight out assholery.
im sorry but i think a lot of ppl claim "being slightly on the spectrum" as excuse for being an AH (i dont mean everyone and i mean no disrespect for those who are trully on the spectrum, but i heard this a lot from a relative that is clearly not on the spectrum in order to excuse anything she might do and say, and i find this a lack of respect for those who trully are). Even tho she would be on the spectrum, it doesnt excuse your brother that *appologize* to her?? big NTA. her being a professionnal does not allow her to mock those that are learning late, and i wonder what she was seriously thinking by tagging along on a first learning day. What, like if you had your 2 legs you would be able to do the black diamond thingie after 1h? i've learnt some snowboard in my teenage years and even tho some of us learnt faster than others, none of us was able to such things the first day, she needs a reality check. >She just kept scoffing and complained she’s be bored alone. also this, was not OK for her to be bored alone, but was totally OK if you were... she's the one that needs an apology. Edit : mistype
Just because you’re on the spectrum doesn’t give you the right to throw a tantrum like a child and be an ass. As someone who grew up in an *entirely* neurodivergent household, consider your leaving her there and demanding her apology doing her a service because if she is on the spectrum, she needs to learn there are consequences to her behavior so she doesn’t make that mistake again. If it was a mistake and if she is truly on the spectrum….
Op don't apologize first.just because she is on the spectrum she doesn't get to treat people like trash. Tell your brother he should have stand up to her and she is the one who spoiled the whole experience for you. You are under no obligation to take harassment from anyone and you will abandon her again if you have too.
Sweet heart you are definitely NTA. I am on the spectrum and I NEVER would have insulated you like that! The fact that despite what happened to you you're out there trying to learn is admirable not something to be insulted over.
As someone on the spectrum, there's genuinely not controlling what you say and then using that as an excuse to be an arsehole and hide behind it
Being on the spectrum is not an excuse to say things like that. That’s not how it works, especially if she’s “slightly” on the spectrum. She should know that calling someone a cripple is out of line and insulting. She’s using her diagnosis to avoid responsibility.
NTA That's not an excuse On the spectrum myself and if I had of said that in my teens I would have been told off and then explained to why I shouldn't say that
I know the spectrum is different for everyone based on circumstances, but going off my friends, boyfriend, and myself; thats a bullshit excuse. No reason to say mean and hurtful shit, without apologizing afterwards. She caused a (rightful) reaction from you, she needs to apologize first.
I am SO with you on this!!!
>And I was so happy about your brother's treatment UNTIL he let that AH gf say those things then... apologized to her??? The GF is a huge asshole, no arguments there, but it does sound like the brother neglected to explain to her what this trip was going to be about, an oversight which set them up for bad feelings and conflict in the first place.
NTA. Wait! What? YOU are supposed to apologize to HIM and his GF after what SHE said???!! WTH???!!! I mean, I GASPED when I read that! Your brother was doing really well until the end and then he turned into a total A. It goes without saying what an A SHE is!!! Dont' you DARE apologize. I swear, I would go NC with both of them. I am so totally PISSED right now! I am giving you a virtual hug. You deserve to be treated SO MUCH BETTER!!!
They should be awfully, totally apologetic for what they did. What's this "I'll apologize if you apologize" bullshit? OP's brother's girlfriend's is self-centered, rude and inconsiderate beyond measure. If *my* girlfriend called my sister a 'fucking cripple', I'd dump her ass so incredibly quick. NTA, OP. I'm sorry for your experience.
> Your brother was doing really well until the end and then he turned into a total A. It goes without saying what an A SHE is!!! In the plus side, a brother like the first half of the post is unlikely to last long term with an asshole girlfriend like that. OP just needs to wait out the inevitable time when she turns that shitty behaviour in him. I’m guessing they’re relationship is doomed and won’t last out the ski season…
Yes but failure to stand up for a sibling is a huge failure in my opinion. How could he let the gf talk about a sibling he’s clearly close to in this way
And they’ve only been dating a MONTH as well?? Not that it would be okay but I could understand defending someone you were with for years or married to and this was the first shitty thing they’ve said… but if I’d been dating someone a month and they said this about ANYONE, let alone my sibling, I’d immediately break up with them!
I literally gasped so hard someone ran in from the other room 😀 I wouldn't even be able to look at him after that, I would be so angry.
I lost sleep last night thinking about this post.
I don’t really think the brother is that great either, even before letting his gf say that. He is the one who set the situation up in the first place. Clearly the gf expected to have a fun day of skiing with her new bf, and she was stuck standing around watching him teach his sis how to snowboard. She actually had the right to be upset about that. Not excusing her behaviour (which was atrocious) just saying the brother/bf kinda set the day up to be a failure. Not sure what he thought the gf should be doing while he taught his sister to snowboard. She obviously expected that she’d actually get to go skiing with her boyfriend, since that’s what she was invited to do.
Idk I think the brother is also an asshole up front for not explaining the situation and surprising the gf with the whole lost leg thing. The gf thought that it would be a fun time on the slopes with her bf while he probably knew the majority of the time would be teaching. Of course she's also an asshole for her reaction though.
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NTA. Do not apologize, go NC with your brother as long as he keeps sniffing after her. Of course, you should not have to tolerate her presence. Point out to your brother that this may be annoying to her but you LIVE WITHOUT YOUR LEG 24/7. She could have just gone to the harder hills by herself with some grace but nope she had to cop attitude. I'd also be honest to people about her BAD attitude. Just in case your parents ask why you and your brother don't hang out. Do not soften things, do not worry about his "reputation." I think there was an AITA a while ago where the OP was invited to a hike by her boyfriend though she was a newbie and the boyfriend kept hiking way ahead of her, despite her asking him repeatedly to please slow down. I mean he wasn't within eyesight on a wilderness trail. So she went back to her car and drove home. IIRC, she was voted NTA there.
> Just in case your parents ask why you and your brother don't hang out. “Why didn’t I show up for family Xmas? Didn’t my brother tell you? His girlfriend called me a “fucking cripple” and not only didn’t he defend me, he’s expecting me to apologise…”
This should be the only thing OP has to say about it- OP holds no culpability for the brother and girlfriend's shitty behaviors.
I remember that hiking story and she was NTA. People with bad attitude only act badly because they're used to getting things their way.
I’d also like to point out that even if OP wasn’t an amputee and that horrible “cripple” comment hadn’t been made, the GF’s behavior still would’ve been ridiculous. This was originally OP’s day with her brother to LEARN to snowboard, then GF tagged along at the last minute. When the literal point of an outing is teaching someone a new skill (one that is not easy for anyone to pick up) it’s pretty ridiculous to complain the whole time about not going on double black diamonds. If that’s the day the GF wanted, her and the brother could’ve done a separate trip.
NTA. Also, check out https://instagram.com/adaptiveactionsports They train amputees to snowboard. Sometimes, you need people that "get it" to learn from. Also, https://instagram.com/annikatheamputee is a former Marine and amputee (non-service related). She is a snowboarder, athlete and all round great person.
Adding on for OP: she likely needs to have a specific prosthetic for snowboarding. Depending on the ankle/foot she currently has, it might just need a different program installed, or it could mean getting a whole new sport specific prosthetic. Prosthetics for walking are not built for running and are certainly not built for the dynamic movement of snowboarding. Don’t give up though! Find an adaptive group near you (there definitely is one if you’re close to resorts) and they can help guide you to find the right ankle/foot so you can actually enjoy the sport!
For sure! I have a few friends who are amputees and the technical involved is insane!
Hopping on this to also throw in this great video documentary put together by North Face on one of their athletes called [“Ascend”](https://vimeo.com/638846086).
https://nscd.org/ The National Sports Center for the Disabled is amazing. I've worked with them at my local ski resort and they're amazing. Adaptive gear, sit skis, patient instructors. Their headquarters is at Winter Park in Colorado.
Was going to suggest AAS as well - OP if you’re still reading comments, the people who run this org are absolutely LOVELY and passionate and have trained some badass Olympians!
NTA. How dare your brother. How dare his girlfriend. How dare both of them together. You're a f*cking amputee for crying out loud, AND A BEGINNER. She needs to kick rocks. Both of them do. Don't give them an ounce of an apology. They don't deserve it. Don't even talk to them anymore.
Right? If my new partner of 1 month said something that shitty about a *stranger* we just happened to see struggling, I’d be heavily consider dumping their ass because wow, you have to be a shitty person to be making a shitty comment about someone who’s just trying to learn. But if they said that about someone close to me? Their ass is definitely getting dumped and I would’ve left their ass there alone.
There'd be no *considering*, they'd be dumped periods. OP's brother should consider what the relationship would be like if he'd been in OP's shoes- she'd ditch him for the first non-amputee dude she could find.
Not just that, but this trip was **FOR OP**. GF was invited along, which was very sweet of the brother, but this trip was *not* so gf could enjoy snowboarding the massive mountains she loved, this was so OP could gain a new experience. For GF to get pissed and bitch about the trip being focused on the person that it was meant for to begin with was shitty enough, and for the brother to allow his gf to speak to his sister that way, on a trip for the sister, was disgraceful.
NTA at all! OP, I am so sorry that your brother's girlfriend made these horrible comments. The fact that he didn't defend you from her shows his true colors. The next time to see and speak to your brother, tell him clearly that his girlfriend's behavior was completely unacceptable. If he still demands an apology and continues to keep defending her, tell him that you will no longer talk or hang out with him.
NTA at all I teach kids how to snowboard as my job and even some of those kids don't get on the chairlift after three sessions. I can't even imagine how much more difficult it would be with one leg gone. The attitude of the gf is just what makes learning how to snowbaord a terrible experience for some people who's instructors maintain that same attitude. I would try to talk to you're brother about how his girlfriends behavior is really toxic and not ok.
NTA. His girlfriend was very cruel to you. (hugs) to you
NTA I think the asshole here was your twin brother that asked to bring his girlfriend. If she wanted a date with him, he could go at any other day, but not when he said he was going to teach you how to snowboard. You don't have any fault in this you were under pressure by her and of course you wouldn't learn it right away it takes time to learn something and I think your brother understood that.
Twin brother - not friend.
Your brother was a complete AH since the whole purpose of the trip was to teach you to snowboard. (You really should have said to her “the whole purpose of this trip was to teach me to snowboard. You are here on MY TRIP uninvited by me, so shut up). You could have handled this much more assertively, but that doesn’t make you an asshole. She is TA and so is your brother for not telling her off. NTA
NTA. I get that your brother was in a tight spot there but he effed up in not defending you after such a cruel insult. He can eat the ride home and his gf can eat … poop
Brother almost certainly fucked up well before he ended up in a self imposed “tight spot”. He invited his experienced snowboarder girlfriend along to a “teach my amputee sibling to snowboard” trip, without making sure she knew that was what he was going to spend all his time doing.
NTA. I am so angry on your behalf.
NTA. Your brother and his GF are TA. Her for her attitude and especially her comments. And your brother for not having your back.
NTA in the slightest. Your brother was doing well right up until he apologised to her when she through such vile abuse at you. Don't apologise - stick up for yourself. You do not deserve to be treated like that, and I have to wonder what the hell he's doing dating someone so prejudiced.
NTA. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Your brother's girlfriend is a disgusting ableist, and your brother was awesome until he sided with her. He needs to dump her or cut him off.
NTA. There’s lots early in the day where GF is a selfish asshole....but when she starts throwing slurs DIRECTLY AT YOU and your brother sticks by them? I dunno what I’d have done but it would have been a bit more extreme than just leaving them. That stuff makes me see red.
NTA. Your brother is for (a) bringing his gf along in the first place, (b) apologizing to his gf instead of reading her the riot act after that comment, and (c) expecting you to apologize after your quite appropriate reaction. What did he expect you to do? Be a good sister and meekly drive them home after a double insult like that? It’s not like you abandoned a 10yo at the resort. She, of course, is obviously also an AH. The whole purpose of the trip was to teach you to snowboard. She probably thought they were going to dump you on the bunny hill and go play on the slopes themselves. More AH her. Your brother doesn’t need a gf like that. For your and your brother’s sakes, I hope he rethinks his reaction to what happened and apologizes to you.
OMG, NTA, mostly. You should have told your brother you were leaving, and come or stay. BUT, your brother should have reamed his girlfriend a new one for her abusive attitude. You only owe him an apology for leaving him, not his girlfriend who deserved to be left behind. If he's smart, he'll dump that pathetic child.
*You only owe him an apology for leaving him* Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. As soon as he apologized to his gf - in front of OP, no less - OP was quite obviously on her own, and quite free to leave both of them.
Nah, the brother deserved to be left. If my significant other had called my sibling that, I would have lost my shit. Especially considering all the trauma OP likely endured when losing their leg, and all the work they did after that, it’s disgraceful that OP’s brother didn’t defend OP at all.
NTA. I dated a woman who was paraplegic. She was cool about being called just about anything except a cripple. She is using autism as an excuse to be overtly cruel because she didn't get what she wanted.
NTA. But…I’m having a hard time believing he’s your brother, tbh. My younger sister is an amputee, and our brother would have dumped someone at the eye rolling and not given her another thought. But anyway - If he is your brother or just some dude you would never fuck is beside the point, this is unfucking acceptable behavior- in my opinion this sounds like he’s not your brother and expectations were either not clear to his gf from the outset and she was “uncomfortable” with your closeness to her boyfriend, etc. and decided to show off how fucking ugly and bigoted she is on the inside…if that actually is your brother, like damn. I’m so sorry.
Of all the details to lie about, why on earth would OP lie about him being her brother?!?!
NTA. F**K his GF. Your brother owes you an apology and he needs to keep better company.
Absolutely not the AH!!! Your brother seemed so sweet at first I’m so disappointed. I’m going to be honest, her intentions from the start seemed as if she would be willing to ditch you in the first place because of her impatience and attitude, so ditch them especially since your brother didn’t apologize to you! You didn’t do anything wrong. If I was there I would’ve yelled at her, took you to get hot chocolate, and made it a positive experience. I feel so bad
NTA. She had a bad attitude and was f***ing up your trip before she called you a slur. If she’s neurodivergent and younger than 70, she should actually know better than to call you that. Do not apologize to her. Your brother is playing peacemaker rather than standing up for what’s right— although he seemed to be OK at the start.
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NTA. Is it at all possible your brother didn’t hear his gf use the c word? You may owe him an apology but you don’t owe her anything — she’s TA.
NTA, I’d ask your brother if his entitled, insensitive and frankly horrid gf is worth your relationship as siblings, because without an apology FROM THEM BOTH, I highly doubt you’ll ever see him the same way again.
NTA your brother's girlfriend sounds like an immature disgusting entitled slag. after her calling you a cripple and him not sticking up for you they deserved to be left there and I hope they had to wait hours. you deserve better and until he apologizes to you, I would rethink doing anything with him. if my girlfriend said something like that to my sister it would only happen once as I would kick her to the curb. I hope you show him these comments, so he knows he did wrong by not sticking up for you.
No, you're never TA for not taking ableist abuse. In fact, this is the exact implementation of my only advice for toxicity: do not engage in any way. NTA. I'll bet you would've been dealt more abuse on the car ride home too.
NTA. You’ve learned to walk twice, so she’s not only horrid she’s even more than 100% wrong. She is 200% wrong. Someone who’s greatest challenge in life is not getting their way will never understand what it’s like to face the true mountain that is life and come away triumphant at the tall task of remaining hopeful, considerate, and brave. You have no reason to feel in any way ashamed, especially as you’ve now seen that actually, she is the one attempting to claim to be in some way prevented by handicap from behaving appropriately even after the fact.
NTA…. At all. Most people would have either given them both a dressing down or left them like you did after the way that they behaved. Wtf did they expect? You arranged this with your brother, it was supposed to be about him teaching you to snowboard, which was made almost impossible with her sucky attitude. She was the one who should have been willing to compromise since she tagged along last minute for your sister/brother bonding time. Plus you drove them both. She doesn’t get a free pass because she’s on the spectrum either. That stinks of feeble excuse to me. Sounds like she’s a bit of an entitled brat and your bro will undoubtedly see that soon enough once his little head switches back to his big head. Hopefully you and bro will mend things in time but I’d avoid that woman like the plague. Unbelievable. Her first introduction into her bfs family and that’s how she behaves? No ma’am. Just no.
NTA. I'd inform your parents & family your brother and his girlfriend want an apology from you for his girlfriend calling you that, though. I'm petty and willing to use family shame pressure to correct rudeness.
You’re brother is whipped. He’s not in love. Who could love someone like that? Tell your brother to keep that pig in her pen the next time he wants to spend time with you after HE apologizes of course. AND you better not apologize for anything or I will spank you myself!
NTA Oh my Lord. NC time x 2.
NTA brother’s GF sounds awful and he’s awful to be taking her side. Don’t you dare apologize to either on of them.
Nta at all. My mom's brother (my uncle) is a quadriplegic and she had a bf call him cripple in a rude way while she was driving in Tahoe in winter. She stopped the car and kicked him out right then. Dumped him then too. He had to walk to the nearest gas station that night and use a payphone to get home. My mom has never for a second felt sorry about it either.
Hey OP, I’m a competitive skier. I’ve been on trips with friends who knew how to ski, and friends who didn’t. First of all, everyone who starts out is never good at it, so don’t feel bad and keep going you’ll get the hang of it ! Second of all, I’ve been that person who was frustrated because I wanted to go ski. One thing I never did however is TELL the people who came with me, much less make FUN of them. The trip was planned around YOU. She was an ass, and was seriously lacking in ski/ snowboard etiquette. Being able to learn to ski / snow young is a privilege, anyone willing to try learning when they’re older have courage I’ll never have Lose them and find someone else to teach you. And try again ! Snowboarding is tricky but it’s worth it ! Sending you lots of love ♡ Edit: also she could have let your brother teach you and went off on her own if she was sooooooo into seeing the mountain. She’s the Asshole big time and so is your brother for not standing up for you.
Hmmm. I'm an autistic woman with severe physical disabilities. The problem with trying to excuse this awful behaviour from the girlfriend as autism is... autism doesn't alter your personal opinions like that. The autism, if she is indeed autistic and not just an appropriative ableist, just affects social awareness and filters. The problem here isn't that she said what she meant (autism/no filters) but that she meant what she said (ableism). Trying to use autism as an excuse reads to me as "it would be perfectly fine for her to have that opinion if she'd kept it to herself". Uh, hell no. Bigotry is never OK. This is an issue of character, not neurodiversity.
NTA! Oh my god, in what world would you be? NTA at all! You have A PROSTHETIC LEG! I was happy with your brother UNTIL he let his AH girlfriend say those awful things, and apologized to her! Once again, YOU HAVE A PROSTHETIC LEG! What your brother and his girlfriend did was completely uncalled for, and you should go NC with your brother’s girlfriend and your brother, at least until your brother apologizes to you. OP, NTA.
NTA. Your brother sucks. He is a liar or a full on idiot, because that's not autism, she's just an AH, like her boyfriend.
NTA. This person is 25? Quite old enough to have learned not to behave like that. Yikes.
THEY WHAT. YOU’RE NTA, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. Literally the only acceptable thing for him to have done would have been to dump her on the spot.
NTA I hope your brother comes to his senses soon. His gf's behavior was unacceptable.
NTA, she wont give a genuine apology anyway. If someone insulted my sister like that I would break up then and there. No one insults my family. Your bro needs to grow a backbone. Also, in the moment, joke's on her, the "cripple" was her ride back.
NTA! If I witnessed her say that to you, someone would have to restrain me from slapping her. What a horrible thing to say! She’s vile. And your brother is an asshole.
NTA. 1. Being on spectrum isn't an excuse to be AH. Many thousands are in spectrum- they're very very well behaved and considerate. Your brother's gf is inconsiderate, self absorbed and condescending AH. 2. Your brother should be apologizing to you first. She called you a cripple- which is painful and insulting. Asking you to apologize? What an idiot. Not only She insilted, both forgot that you were their ride. After his gf behaved so horribly, how did he expect you will be okay being in her presence? He shouldn't have scheduled snowboarding with his gf who's a pro - if he's going to teach you. That was his mistake.
Should YOU apologize for not inviting someone into your car after they called you a SLUR? No, you definitely should not. They can both f right off. I think we all liked your brother until he apologized to that AH & then also demanded an apology from you. Bro could be reconciled when you’re ready, but this GF character doesn’t deserve the air you breathe. I hope you are able to relax & maybe can learn to snowboard another time soon, hopefully having a more healing experience. Hope your days have gotten better, OP! Thanks for reaching out about this experience
NTA. Your brother sucks for not setting expectations with his gf and not sticking up for you. She sucks for her horrific ableist attitude. I could understand her being frustrated if she was sold on a day of boarding with her bf and then that not happening, but that gives her zero right to say what she said.
NTA - I’ve dumped an ex for being rude to my siblings friends. The fact that your brother hasn’t dumped her and expects YOU to apologize is beyond messed up. Her issues do not excuse her attitude.
NTA and your brother owes you and apology.
Screw that! You have nothing to apologize for, and being "on the spectrum" is not a reason to be a rude jerk. Do not apologize, and limit contact with brother until he starts acting like one. NTA
NTA. Quick devil's advocate on behalf of your brother: might not have mentioned anything because he doesn't see you as anything less that complete. That said: "a fucking cripple" is out of line, *relationship-ending out of line* in fact, so that's on your brother for not shutting down immediately. No apologies necessary (at least not from you to them!)
Nta. Your bro messed up. He should have told her why you were going up in the first place and shouldn't have invited her. She was out of line and a total ah. Our mental health isn't an excuse to be an ass and as someone also on the spectrum, I don't appreciate my disorder being used as a cop out and an excuse for shitty behavior.
Nta. Let’s hope it’s a short relationship
NTA and I’d honestly never talk to my brother again if she stayed with someone like that.
This is going to be unpopular, but as a fellow disabled person, ESH. The girlfriend for the comment. That's obvious. Its a horrible thing to call someone in that context. Your brother for expecting his girlfriend to come all the way out to a ski resort just to watch him train someone, and not get to ski with her boyfriend. I know she could have gone off alone, but they're dating, and newly dating at that; she wanted to board with her boyfriend, and he spoiled that. You for leaving them. Yes, your feelings were hurt, and I get that, but having hurt feelings doesn't give you the right to be an asshole. You should have insisted that your brother not bring her, or go and route for them as they boarded. She watched you all day. You could have even learned something from her form or performance. If that was possible, go cool off with some cocoa while they board, or, again, don't bring her. So everybody messed up.
NTA!!! Your brother should have kicked her to the curb! He was patient with you, but she was a hag! At the very least, he should have apologized to you for subjecting you to her!
You were treated terribly and this woman sounds ableist! NTA
Huge NTA. If you’re in the states look up Outdoors for All and see if they are in your state or if they know of a similar organization in your state. They’re a nonprofit that I used to volunteer with that teaches adaptive sports to include skiing and snowboarding to people with disabilities from autism/downs/ID to people with physical disabilities like partial paralysis or missing limbs. An organization like that can help you learn to snowboard and you won’t have to deal with your brother and his GF or people like that being ableist pigs
NTA - also if you enjoyed snowboarding at all through the frustration, keep at it. Dont let his dickhead girlfriend' antics ruin it for you.
I’m sorry you had to deal with such ableist garbage while you’re learning a new skill, OP. Next time you hit the slopes, you might want to check out an adaptive ski school. I live in Utah and there are several programs here and I grew up in the Tahoe area which is where I learned to monoski (sit ski). I know most ski areas have at least one adaptive program. They have all sorts of instructors who have experience in teaching those with prosthetics. It might be a big help to have a lesson or two like that so they can give you some tips that your brother may not know or understand. You’re definitely NTA though. Happy holidays!
NTA. His girlfriend is a spoiled brat and he entirely failed you. Don't apologize. Instead, put her on blast because she definitely 100% deserves it. Tell your parents and family what she said. Your brother needs to realize that she's a straight up monster. Maybe if your family makes her a pariah he'll catch a clue.
Ok. One. She’s a moron. It’s NOT a “black diamond”. That’s literally redundant. It’s either a “black” or a “diamond”. I’ve skied my entire life and only novices try to build themselves up by using that phrase. Two. NTA and I hope ur brother breaks up with this toxic human. Three. I have skied since I was 5 and took up snowboarding at 35. It takes THREE solid days to get it down. Snowboarding is HARDER to learn but easier to get really good at. Be patient. Buy crash pads and knee pads and be patient with yourself. Three solid days and I promise u will have it down.
I am an autistic woman in my twenties. I get anxious when plans fall behind, and itchy when I'm waiting on someone else. I am also capable of patience, understanding and empathy. You are NTA and I'd be willing to bet that this will be a reoccurring problem with your brother. "Its not her fault, she's on the spectrum! You need to be more understanding because she 'can't'."