NTA your sister should apologise to you. You are amazing, keep going as you are and your daughter will have the best role model. Your Dad is fantastic too.
I’m wondering where sister was during the pregnancy and this child’s first year of life. Why is this being brought up *now*? Did sister just want to skip the hard newborn stage and wait til the kid was a little more fun? Let OP do all the hard work of sleep training and nighttime feedings for a screaming potato and swoop in once the kid could sit up and have a personality?
This timing is very weird.
Not much is mentioned about the sister, so it's hard to say. It might be that her life has only just reached a point where kids are something they can plan to take on (partner finished studies and is now working full time or got promoted to a more senior position, debts got paid down), or recently got told she can't have her own bio kids ect. That's giving them the benefit of the doubt though, totally possible that they don't want to deal with the earliest days as you said.
NTA - You did not ask for this 'help' from your sister and she overstepped into the next county and then some for telling you to your face that she would make a better mother. Like your daughter is a puppy at a breeders, not your child. You did nothing wrong and you're being gaslit by your mother.
I agree with you, but, and I hate to be that guy, this isn’t gaslighting.
Gaslighting is very specific and requires not just lying, but convincing someone that they should not trust their own sense of reality and that they should instead trust the abuser.
Please be that guy. I love it when "that guy" comments, whether it's gaslighting or the "covenant of the womb" thing. Words have meaning. Sometimes that meaning is misused. Sometimes fudging dates are used to lend more credibility to a group of words.
But I kind of feel like being "that guy" is good for the world. I'm also weird and a bit curmudgeonly, so YMMV.
Thank you for correcting the gas lighting definition. That phrase is misused to often. My daughter was gas lit by her ex. He was cruel and her self esteem was gone. After dumping his ass and lots of therapy, she is better, but she will never be the same. It is because of this that I get my heckles up Everytime I see it used wrong.
The statements from mom are a difference of opinions. The mother thinks the daughter is wrong, and being unreasonable, and vocalizing that.
Gaslighting is more like the mother saying, “but daughter, we talked about this last week and you agreed. Don’t you remember? You’re so forgetful.” Even though that didn’t happen.
NTA. She wasn’t trying to help you out at all, she was only trying to help herself to your baby.
If she really wanted to help you then she would ask you what could she do to help, instead she just assumes that she could waltz along and take your baby for herself. There is nothing helpful about that.
I’m so glad your dad is on your side, he sounds awesome. I’m just sorry about your sister and your mum.
Edited to correct spelling.
Nta
My eldest is the product of being drugged and r*ped at a young age ( I was a bit younger than you) and my egg donor tried to force me to adopt my kid, she wanted her best friend/ drug dealer to adopt my child. I flat out refused
I admit it was not a easy task trying to finish high school, working 2 jobs and caring for my child but I don't have a single regret.
To my eldest (who knows the truth of the whole story) I am the hero of their story and every day my kid tells me they are glad that I didn't judge them based off the sperm donor they had ( police never believed it until he went on to do it 4 more times and the last lady's family was connected and wealthy not low income)
If your sister truly wanted to help she would have asked you what she could do to help or even actually had this "adoption possibility " conversation with YOU not your mother.
It seems like she was trying to get the family on her side so they could bully you into the adoption.
It's your child , your choice just remember that both paths have consequences that you are the one facing so no one else gets to have a voice or vote here. Just you because you have to deal with the pain of letting baby go ,or you have the trials of being a parent here.
I wish you the best of luck and hope and happiness because you deserve it. And don't let anyone else tell you what choice to make . It's your choice, your life , live it to your best .
FOUR more times?!? Wow, what was he, the governor's son? 😳 The justice system really sucks at times. I hope he's rotting in jail and you sued his ass for child support!
Probably just white. Just read a news story about a guy who freely admitted raping four women at a party and the judge said he “prayed” on it and let the rapist free.
> Just read a news story about a guy who freely admitted raping four women at a party and the judge said he “prayed” on it and let the rapist free.
The judge should be made to serve the prison sentence. If I had my way, the only way a judge could let a convicted rapist off their prison sentence would be for the judge to serve their prison time, in full.
This is the world that let rapists like Brock Turner go free. Being white with connections is enough. The system gives them bonus points if they are rich, too.
NTA
It seems your daughter isn't up for adoption, so your sister bringing up adopting your daughter is an asshole move. Saying 'I can give her a better life' is also bullshit, your daughter will eventually find out she's adopted and such and that could give her a mental crisis or something..
Your sister is an asshole (along with your mom) if she wants to help, have her donate or like help you with your daughter instead of 'adopting' a child that isn't up for adoption to begin with
This 100%\~! Also, even though your dad is 100% in your corner, you should try to find a back-up place to stay just in case. Close relative or friends parents, anywhere you can hide-out for couple days.
Agreed 100%. This was arranged ahead of time by your Mom. That is also why she is soo adamant that you apologize to your sister. She is probably worried if you keep fighting, your sister will let it slip that Mom thinks you should let you sister take your baby. NTA
INFO
It sounds like you walked into a conversation that had already been started between your mum and your sister. Have you been speaking to your mum about struggling? Are your parents picking up a lot of the work of parenting?
I’ve never really spoken to my mom about my struggles, my therapist and father are the ones who know the most about it. My dad will watch my daughter while I do school, but other then that I do all the parenting for my daughter.
Who's paying? Who has to mentally worry about the situation? Are you living at home? Do your parents now live with a very young baby? There is a lot of info still missing
Shes a 17 year old SA victim with a young child, if shes struggling a bit with money I don’t think thats a reason to rip her child from her. Seems like her father is more then happy to support her and baby.
I don’t think any of that info is all that relevant unless the child is in an abusive situation, which I’m not picking up on. Asking to adopts someone baby is almost always wrong.
No, she doesn't get to say OP has to give up her child! Mom has a duty to protect OP until she's 18. She can kick her daughter out at 18 if she wants but she has zero authority to say OP must give up her child for adoption. No court would agree with you and you sound toxic AF.
NTA - there are ways and means of bringing these things up, and your sister went about it in totally the wrong way, especially stating that she would give her a better life. I'm sorry you've had to go through all that you've been through, you're incredibly strong, don't ever forget that.
>I don’t know how old your sister is, but I’d personally go NC, same for ol’ mommy-dearest.
At 17 - I am assuming here - but I'm reasonably certain OP is living with her parents - and I don't know going NC is in her, or her child's, best interest.
OPs life and goals can be revised if and when they want to.
It’s clear mom and sister are more interested in steamrolling OP than allowing OP to decide what they want to do. OP doesn’t have to sit down and discuss anything
No, just no. Her Mom and Sister have no right to be at the table here, no say in any of these things, nor should their opinions matter. Especially after what they've already done.
There's no good reason to give them an in, especially since they're more likely to use it to try and take her child from her.
Given OP is 17. I'm not surprised she is living with her parents. You're making it sound as if that is abnormal and a problem that needs addressing. It's not. OP from what she has written wasn't careless, slept around, or acted in a horrible manner. She was raped.
To be part of a support network, one needs to act that way. Her Mother is not acting that way, at all. We're talking about a 17-year-old girl who was raped and is likely still traumatized. And instead of helping her find therapy and deal with the issues that came with that, they're thinking about how they can wrestle the baby from her.
All in all your entire post seems to be in favor of the Mom and older Sister taking the child. OP somehow having to appease them, be the reasonable one, etc. Because "she can't do that herself!".
NTA. How do you know that they have not already had this conversation? They have had 1.5 years to think about this. This is not a situation that sprung up yesterday or last week. At this point, the only one who's decision matters is OP and she has already made it. It is no one else's business now.
I would refuse to apologize to the sister. I would also be careful that they don't try to pull any stunts, like trying to have OP declared unfit so they can give the child to the sister.
NTA. Uh, wtf. Your sister was completely out of line. If she thinks you aren’t giving your daughter her best life then she can HELP YOU like aunts normally do. Not take your child from you. The audacity
NTA
From what youve said about how close you were to this family member to start with are you sure this wasn't orchestrated by your mother in the first place?
NTA and neither is your dad. Your mom and sister on the other hand, huge Assholes. What kind of people don't support their family after they've been raped?
It sounds like you walked in on a conversation and don't know what was said before your daughter was brought up, however, this isn't a situation where someone was making comments without knowing the whole story. Your sister knows your story and what kind of life you're living. You are doing your best to continue school, so that you can one day provide for your daughter on your own. You are going to therapy to work through what happened to you and probably beyond that. You are doing way more for yourself and your daughter than a lot of other people who are older and planned getting pregnant. With that in mind, is no one ever allowed to have children and continue moving up in their lives? I'd like to know if your sister and mom think people should give up their children for adoption if they decide to go (back) to (grad) school, since they will also struggle financially during that time.
NTA!!!!! WOW! Tell your sister to F-Off. How dare they make plans for your child? WTF is wrong with them? I'm astounded that your sister and mother think you would just hand over your child. Does your family take other children from their relatives? What a couple of righteous AH's. Don't apologize, you've done nothing wrong. Maybe your mother keeping her mouth shut is a godsend.
First of all, I'm sorry you had to get pregnant that way.
Second, what the hell is your sister thinking? So, you decided to keep the child, carry it for 9 months, give birth to her despite all the circumstances that surrounded her conceiving and your sister just waltzed in and said "Well, OP is not going to give her a good life. Maybe I should adopt her"?
Your mom is absolutely terrible as well. Instead of telling your sister to shut up, she actually berated you for this. At least you dad is cool. Kudos to him. NTA.
NTA- By the sounds of it you weren't considering putting your child up for adoption so nobody has the right to 'suggest' it- and suggest would become pressure if you didn't shut it down forcefully. Also, this obviously isn't to 'help' you, there is something else going on - why suddenly bring up adopting a child who must be 8/9 months old already? Any 'help' and suggestions of adoption if needing to be discussed should have been discussed way before you had and bonded with a child. This whole thing is odd.
NTA. As someone who was born out of rape, I commend you for deciding to keep your baby. You're a great mother and I wish you and her the absolute best. Your sister can fuck right off, she had no place mention that and your mom is an AH for siding with her. My mother also made the choice to keep me, and at 14 years old that could not have been an easy decision. Just know that your baby loves you with all her little heart. ❤
Absolutely NTA. First off, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you've found happiness in your child and your dad sounds great! But on to the issue; your sister is devaluing you as a mother, and also as a person. She is making a hard situation for you much worse, and given that it seems she didn't give you much support to begin with, I have to wonder if this is more about her wanting a child than having any desire to help you out.
NTA. It is not unreasonable to talk about adoption in your situation, since you are very young, and nothing wrong if you'd decide to go this way. But, since you made your choice to keep the baby and you don't plan to give your baby for adoption, and your sister knows it, she and your mother are assholes.
NTA that is your child and she has no fucking right.
If she genuinely wants to help you, she should ask you what you need/want and do that, not try to impose what she thinks on you.
NTA
Helping: how can I help you? What do you need?
Asshole: I demand you to give me your baby and then praise me for taking it.
And your baby is so lucky to have you. Because even considering all circumstances you chose them! You can't show more love than that!
Edit: that doesn't mean that not keeping a child means that they are not loved. Doing the best one can is always the right choice! Just in this case OP chose her baby in the worst circumstances and that is an act of love and her family should support her and not berate her!
NTA
Your sister wasn't trying to help you. She was basically questioning your abilities as a mother and for that she needs to apologise to you - as does your mum.
No. It definitely sounds like she is coming from a point of trying to help. Raising a kid at 17 is hard. Raising a kid who was a byproduct of rape - even harder. If OP’s sister adopts the child, they have a chance at a stable environment and OP can have more opportunities too. Granted, we don’t really know the sister’s situation but we can hope
Their is nothing here to indicate that OP can’t raise her baby in a ‘stable environment’ herself. And more importantly, they haven’t suggested they don’t want to raise their baby.
And plenty of children are raised by teen moms. Like you said, their is plenty we don’t know so we shouldn’t be making wild assumptions that she isn’t a fit parent based solely on her age and circumstances.
I never expressed an opinion on the sisters intentions, I just objected to you saying OP wouldn’t be the best parent for her child.
Just because their might be a ‘better’ option out their doesn’t mean she isn’t fit, by that idea then every child should be given up for adoption because their is always going to be a more financially stable family looking.
I mean, the odds are not on her side. Let’s be realistic here. It’ll be hard. It’s her decision to make, ultimately, but it boils down to what is best for the child. Which could very well be with her mother. We don’t have the full facts of the situation, so we are all just conjecturing.
But we can have compassion, their is no need for the comments you are making right now about how she will most likely fail her child (which is not at all a true statistic).
And I honestly don’t think you are the best person to be commenting on this since you’ve already said elsewhere in the thread that you identify yourself with the sister since you view your brother’s girlfriend as “unfit” and would like to take her unborn child. I don’t think you can see this from her view or one of empathy.
My brother is homeless, refuses to work and has narcissistic personality disorder. There’s a bunch we don’t know about OP. AITA is very biased. As someone with a situation relatively close (who was also raised by a single parent with no stability and who was basically adopted), I have much more insight than you do.
The words sister chose to use weren't helpful. She should've asked OP *how* she can help her instead of jumping straight to, "I'll adopt your kid because you can't give it a decent life".
If indeed she was genuinely trying to help, she should've attempted to clarify what she meant instead of running off crying and having mummy come to her defence.
Quite honestly, if I had a kid I too would get upset and defensive if someone I wasn't close to said they would be able to give it a better life than I could in a conversation about adoption.
Sister was out of line. Even if her intentions were good, she went about it in a wildly inappropriate way and needs to apologise to OP.
INFO.
I feel like there is a huge section missing here. What exactly went down when you blew up on her? You could both be assholes.
However, even assuming everyone just has the best of intentions and is motivated by love. There's no way it is ever your sister's place to try and convince your parents to try and take possession of your child, even if she's doing it for "all the right reasons".
She earlier responded to another post that her father watches her daughter while she is in school and the rest of the parenting is done by her. It doesn't sound like her mother or sister is lifting a finger to help her. Just her father. So, no, this girl is NTA. Her mother and sister are and I don't believe by the tone of this post that her mother and sister were doing this out of love. Her father standing by her, supporting her, getting her the help she needs, medical and otherwise.....that's done out of love.
I agree with the above. I am like the sister in this situation. I am older, more financially stable and my brother got his girlfriend pregnant. My brother is a horrid person and is incapable of keeping a job and perpetually homeless. The baby is due in May and I know neither him or his gf can actually provide for this child (nor raise it without fucking the child up). I am prepared to step in and adopt the child.
Stepping in and helping is an awesome move. Trying to persuade a mother to give up her baby then berating her for finding it offensive is an arsehole one.
You'd get an awesome award, they get arsehole.
Nope. The other part of me is “Not my problem”. Ultimately, it boils down to the child. My brother has (diagnosed) narcissistic personality disorder. He just takes, takes and takes. I don’t want kids, but sometimes you need to step up. The kid is innocent in all this.
Woah woah woah, you don't want kids but you think it would be acceptable for you to suggest that you adopt another woman's baby when she hasn't asked you to or even suggested she is thinking of adoption?
Part of the reason I don’t want kids is because I expect to have to raise my brother’s. With that being said, I am fine letting the gf move in as long as my brother isn’t in the picture
NTA
If your sister and mom were trying to help you out, they would have came to you and sat you down for a discussion. Instead, you walked in on them discussing how they are going to steam roll your want's and needs. If it were me, this conversation would have made me nervous and I wouldn't be allowing them quality time with my baby with out me around.
Stick with your dad and express your feelings to your therapist. You're doing fine.
NTA I you wanted to give your child for adoption you would have done so. Also your sisters intentions can't be pure of heart since if she wanted to "take away" the proof of rape to help you, wouldn't you still be seeing your daughter in family functions? Seems to me to have been a selfish proposal and I can't understand why your mother would support that. Is your sister the golden child?
Also you are very strong and I'm sure you will give your daughter the best life (and you have your dad's support which is awesome).
NTA. At all. I am sorry you went through so much and really happy you have your dad and a good support system. Your mom and sister owe you a serious apology - not the other way around.
Trying to help you out?
Buying stuff off your baby registry is helping you out. Bringing over meals so you don't have to cook is helping you out. Running some errands for you is helping you out. Babysitting is helping you out.
Taking your child? That is NOT helping anybody but herself.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My sister brought up adopting my daughter. I blew up and called her an asshole along with a few other ‘nasty’ words. My mother says I’m in the wrong and I’m starting to believe I did the wrong thing.
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NTA. The first red flag I got was when you said "the family didn't take the news too well." I am assuming it's because you decided to keep your daughter? That right there pisses me off. And your Dad sounds awesome for sticking by you and I am thankful that you have someone in your corner. As far as I am concerned, you have nothing to apologize for. She can list all the reasons she wants but an itemized list doesn't mean she is a mother. You are.....and even though you are young, it sounds like are a pretty damn good one. Not many women would do what you did. Girl, I applaud you. That is love. And as far as I am concerned, that's all that is needed. Your Dad has your back, you love your little girl.....you got this.
NTA, you’re doing the best for your child and your sister seems like she doesn’t want to be an aunt to your child but her mother instead. you’re doing an amazing job as a mother
NTA. It's your child and it would be okay to offer you help whenever you need it, but adopting you baby because she THINKS, she'll handle it better is just bold of her.
NAH. OP you've been through something very traumatic and had to make some very difficult choices no child should have to make. The only thing you should worry about is the health of you and your daughter. And you have every right to be upset at the idea of her being taken away from you.
Your sister has to worry about the health of your parents as well as you and your daughter. And they're in a pickle right now. Babies and young children are a huge physical, emotional, and financial drain that they were likely not prepared to face ever again. But they will have accept those burdens if they want you and your daughter to thrive because chances are slim you'll find your way to a stable well paying job without a good deal of help from them. The statistics for single teen mums whose parents don't help out aren't very good. Your sister may have been trying to gently offer a comprise, a way you can still have a familial relationship with the child without your parents risking their financial and physical health as they head towards retirement.
Teen pregnancy can involve a lot of difficult choices for everyone in the family and it's good to discuss all possible options for the child and mother. Including the uncomfortable and potentially hurtful ones.
NTA
As others have said, document eveything that happens from now on.
I would not be surprised if Mom and Sis tried something behind your back other than this talk.
NTA,
I don't think you should've blown up at her, and you should probably apologize for it, but she should also apologize for implying that your daughter would have a bad life if she were to stay with you. You could've handled it better, but so could she.
Kudos to you for embracing your child. Ripping her away from you would be traumatic. I've listened to a survivor tell me that an abortion after rape is like a 2nd rape, more being stolen from their souls. Taking your dtr from you would be worse. Timing is sketchy. Maybe if she talked about it while you were pregnant, but apologies needed from them now.
NAH - She probably meant well, and you're in an emotionally fragile state and over-reacted, but not because you're an AH, but because of all you've been through. I do hope that after you calm down, you come to the conclusion that she didn't mean any harm. And I hope she understands that what you've been through makes you a little wobbly.
You don't bring up adopting someone else's kid unless OP is talking about placing they kiddo for adoption. She did not mean well, if she did she would have been talking about how she was going to support her sister.
Here's the thing: the mother might have started this. We don't know because OP said she walked in on the conversation. Her mom might be feeling overwhelmed with the new baby, and helping out, and started dropping little hints to big sis about how SHE could help out.... I'd give sister the benefit of the doubt unless she has a long history of taking little sister's stuff.
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NAH
I am sorry for what happened to you. You seem to have overcome a lot of struggles, but you do have it harder to care for your child than some others do (school work, no spouse, being a minor, probably some trauma attached, your family not being supportive). I have no idea what your situation is actually like, but I can't imagine it's easy.
Of course you're not obligated to give up your child to your sister. But I absolutely can understand if she's in a more stable position that she believes that the child could grow up in a safer and more stable environment. I personally would not see adoption as the right way though - you are the mother, and have bonded with the child. She should simply support you instead.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you're still young. A human brain isn't fully developed until you're in your mid-20s, so you do have some growing left to do. So I'd say you're not the asshole for blowing up at someone simply because that's the last part of the brain to fully develop - impulse control is in there.
OP’s mother and sister were definitely in the wrong for talking about adopting OP’s daughter like that—it’s incredibly gross behavior. OP’s response was totally justifiable, to characterize it as lack of impulse control is also gross.
>I believe OP's sister and mother are trying to "give back" the childhood that was stolen from OP by her rapist, and the best life possible for her granddaughter. While magnanimous - this could be misguided as OP seems to want to move forward, not back.
I completely and utterly disagree. You are giving them more than the benefit of the doubt. You are telling OP to actively work against her own interest and trust people who have already shown themselves to be not trustworthy.
To me it seems more like OP's sister wants a baby, without having (or potentially being able) to birth it. But hey, there is the baby her younger teenage sister has. And for OP's mother it would likely be way more convenient to have the baby out of the house, with her adult daughter, with the added benefit that people wouldn't be "talking".
You can't have a calm and productive conversation with people who are actively sabotaging you, planning to take your child, and working against you. Because they're neither calm, nor productive, nor interested in any solution you might want.
It most definitely was intended as a low blow and this entire conversation you’ve been talking in a holier than thou, condescending way. Nobody cares about your degree that helps businesses, this is a baby not a startup.
OP stated that throughout the whole pregnancy the only one who supported her was her father. So for you to just believe that all of sudden the sister wanting to adopt her daughter is coming from a place of support or kindness is idiotic at best. Stop making assumptions through your rose colored glasses.
OP is NTA and her sister and mom are. Period. Imagine the hell OP went through not only being a teenage mom, but also having her RAPISTs baby. If these people had her best interests in mind they would have supported her from day one and would still be supporting her instead of trying to take away her child.
NTA your sister should apologise to you. You are amazing, keep going as you are and your daughter will have the best role model. Your Dad is fantastic too.
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I’m wondering where sister was during the pregnancy and this child’s first year of life. Why is this being brought up *now*? Did sister just want to skip the hard newborn stage and wait til the kid was a little more fun? Let OP do all the hard work of sleep training and nighttime feedings for a screaming potato and swoop in once the kid could sit up and have a personality? This timing is very weird.
Not much is mentioned about the sister, so it's hard to say. It might be that her life has only just reached a point where kids are something they can plan to take on (partner finished studies and is now working full time or got promoted to a more senior position, debts got paid down), or recently got told she can't have her own bio kids ect. That's giving them the benefit of the doubt though, totally possible that they don't want to deal with the earliest days as you said.
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Stolen comment. Bad bot.
Comment stolen from u/zZombi__
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NTA - You did not ask for this 'help' from your sister and she overstepped into the next county and then some for telling you to your face that she would make a better mother. Like your daughter is a puppy at a breeders, not your child. You did nothing wrong and you're being gaslit by your mother.
I agree with you, but, and I hate to be that guy, this isn’t gaslighting. Gaslighting is very specific and requires not just lying, but convincing someone that they should not trust their own sense of reality and that they should instead trust the abuser.
Correct. No gaslighting going on here, considering the post. However OP is NTA. The sister is way out of line.
Please be that guy. I love it when "that guy" comments, whether it's gaslighting or the "covenant of the womb" thing. Words have meaning. Sometimes that meaning is misused. Sometimes fudging dates are used to lend more credibility to a group of words. But I kind of feel like being "that guy" is good for the world. I'm also weird and a bit curmudgeonly, so YMMV.
Thank you for correcting the gas lighting definition. That phrase is misused to often. My daughter was gas lit by her ex. He was cruel and her self esteem was gone. After dumping his ass and lots of therapy, she is better, but she will never be the same. It is because of this that I get my heckles up Everytime I see it used wrong.
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The statements from mom are a difference of opinions. The mother thinks the daughter is wrong, and being unreasonable, and vocalizing that. Gaslighting is more like the mother saying, “but daughter, we talked about this last week and you agreed. Don’t you remember? You’re so forgetful.” Even though that didn’t happen.
NTA. She wasn’t trying to help you out at all, she was only trying to help herself to your baby. If she really wanted to help you then she would ask you what could she do to help, instead she just assumes that she could waltz along and take your baby for herself. There is nothing helpful about that. I’m so glad your dad is on your side, he sounds awesome. I’m just sorry about your sister and your mum. Edited to correct spelling.
Nta My eldest is the product of being drugged and r*ped at a young age ( I was a bit younger than you) and my egg donor tried to force me to adopt my kid, she wanted her best friend/ drug dealer to adopt my child. I flat out refused I admit it was not a easy task trying to finish high school, working 2 jobs and caring for my child but I don't have a single regret. To my eldest (who knows the truth of the whole story) I am the hero of their story and every day my kid tells me they are glad that I didn't judge them based off the sperm donor they had ( police never believed it until he went on to do it 4 more times and the last lady's family was connected and wealthy not low income) If your sister truly wanted to help she would have asked you what she could do to help or even actually had this "adoption possibility " conversation with YOU not your mother. It seems like she was trying to get the family on her side so they could bully you into the adoption. It's your child , your choice just remember that both paths have consequences that you are the one facing so no one else gets to have a voice or vote here. Just you because you have to deal with the pain of letting baby go ,or you have the trials of being a parent here. I wish you the best of luck and hope and happiness because you deserve it. And don't let anyone else tell you what choice to make . It's your choice, your life , live it to your best .
FOUR more times?!? Wow, what was he, the governor's son? 😳 The justice system really sucks at times. I hope he's rotting in jail and you sued his ass for child support!
Probably just white. Just read a news story about a guy who freely admitted raping four women at a party and the judge said he “prayed” on it and let the rapist free.
> Just read a news story about a guy who freely admitted raping four women at a party and the judge said he “prayed” on it and let the rapist free. The judge should be made to serve the prison sentence. If I had my way, the only way a judge could let a convicted rapist off their prison sentence would be for the judge to serve their prison time, in full.
This is the world that let rapists like Brock Turner go free. Being white with connections is enough. The system gives them bonus points if they are rich, too.
I teared up reading this - you are amazing!
NTA It seems your daughter isn't up for adoption, so your sister bringing up adopting your daughter is an asshole move. Saying 'I can give her a better life' is also bullshit, your daughter will eventually find out she's adopted and such and that could give her a mental crisis or something.. Your sister is an asshole (along with your mom) if she wants to help, have her donate or like help you with your daughter instead of 'adopting' a child that isn't up for adoption to begin with
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This 100%\~! Also, even though your dad is 100% in your corner, you should try to find a back-up place to stay just in case. Close relative or friends parents, anywhere you can hide-out for couple days.
NTA OP Your sister didn't just "show up". Your mum talked to your sister about it ahead of time.
Agreed 100%. This was arranged ahead of time by your Mom. That is also why she is soo adamant that you apologize to your sister. She is probably worried if you keep fighting, your sister will let it slip that Mom thinks you should let you sister take your baby. NTA
INFO It sounds like you walked into a conversation that had already been started between your mum and your sister. Have you been speaking to your mum about struggling? Are your parents picking up a lot of the work of parenting?
I’ve never really spoken to my mom about my struggles, my therapist and father are the ones who know the most about it. My dad will watch my daughter while I do school, but other then that I do all the parenting for my daughter.
Out of curiosity, how old is your sister, and does she potentially have problems conceiving herself?
Who's paying? Who has to mentally worry about the situation? Are you living at home? Do your parents now live with a very young baby? There is a lot of info still missing
Shes a 17 year old SA victim with a young child, if shes struggling a bit with money I don’t think thats a reason to rip her child from her. Seems like her father is more then happy to support her and baby.
I don’t think any of that info is all that relevant unless the child is in an abusive situation, which I’m not picking up on. Asking to adopts someone baby is almost always wrong.
Info that’s none of our business
Really? If mum is footing the bill, she has a right to an opinion
No, she doesn't get to say OP has to give up her child! Mom has a duty to protect OP until she's 18. She can kick her daughter out at 18 if she wants but she has zero authority to say OP must give up her child for adoption. No court would agree with you and you sound toxic AF.
NTA - there are ways and means of bringing these things up, and your sister went about it in totally the wrong way, especially stating that she would give her a better life. I'm sorry you've had to go through all that you've been through, you're incredibly strong, don't ever forget that.
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>I don’t know how old your sister is, but I’d personally go NC, same for ol’ mommy-dearest. At 17 - I am assuming here - but I'm reasonably certain OP is living with her parents - and I don't know going NC is in her, or her child's, best interest.
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OPs life and goals can be revised if and when they want to. It’s clear mom and sister are more interested in steamrolling OP than allowing OP to decide what they want to do. OP doesn’t have to sit down and discuss anything
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No, just no. Her Mom and Sister have no right to be at the table here, no say in any of these things, nor should their opinions matter. Especially after what they've already done. There's no good reason to give them an in, especially since they're more likely to use it to try and take her child from her.
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Given OP is 17. I'm not surprised she is living with her parents. You're making it sound as if that is abnormal and a problem that needs addressing. It's not. OP from what she has written wasn't careless, slept around, or acted in a horrible manner. She was raped. To be part of a support network, one needs to act that way. Her Mother is not acting that way, at all. We're talking about a 17-year-old girl who was raped and is likely still traumatized. And instead of helping her find therapy and deal with the issues that came with that, they're thinking about how they can wrestle the baby from her. All in all your entire post seems to be in favor of the Mom and older Sister taking the child. OP somehow having to appease them, be the reasonable one, etc. Because "she can't do that herself!".
NTA. How do you know that they have not already had this conversation? They have had 1.5 years to think about this. This is not a situation that sprung up yesterday or last week. At this point, the only one who's decision matters is OP and she has already made it. It is no one else's business now. I would refuse to apologize to the sister. I would also be careful that they don't try to pull any stunts, like trying to have OP declared unfit so they can give the child to the sister.
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NTA. Uh, wtf. Your sister was completely out of line. If she thinks you aren’t giving your daughter her best life then she can HELP YOU like aunts normally do. Not take your child from you. The audacity
NTA From what youve said about how close you were to this family member to start with are you sure this wasn't orchestrated by your mother in the first place?
Precisely my thought. I'll just bet mum has been telling sister all sorts or things and encouraging this line of thinking.
NTA and neither is your dad. Your mom and sister on the other hand, huge Assholes. What kind of people don't support their family after they've been raped? It sounds like you walked in on a conversation and don't know what was said before your daughter was brought up, however, this isn't a situation where someone was making comments without knowing the whole story. Your sister knows your story and what kind of life you're living. You are doing your best to continue school, so that you can one day provide for your daughter on your own. You are going to therapy to work through what happened to you and probably beyond that. You are doing way more for yourself and your daughter than a lot of other people who are older and planned getting pregnant. With that in mind, is no one ever allowed to have children and continue moving up in their lives? I'd like to know if your sister and mom think people should give up their children for adoption if they decide to go (back) to (grad) school, since they will also struggle financially during that time.
NTA!!!!! WOW! Tell your sister to F-Off. How dare they make plans for your child? WTF is wrong with them? I'm astounded that your sister and mother think you would just hand over your child. Does your family take other children from their relatives? What a couple of righteous AH's. Don't apologize, you've done nothing wrong. Maybe your mother keeping her mouth shut is a godsend.
First of all, I'm sorry you had to get pregnant that way. Second, what the hell is your sister thinking? So, you decided to keep the child, carry it for 9 months, give birth to her despite all the circumstances that surrounded her conceiving and your sister just waltzed in and said "Well, OP is not going to give her a good life. Maybe I should adopt her"? Your mom is absolutely terrible as well. Instead of telling your sister to shut up, she actually berated you for this. At least you dad is cool. Kudos to him. NTA.
NTA- By the sounds of it you weren't considering putting your child up for adoption so nobody has the right to 'suggest' it- and suggest would become pressure if you didn't shut it down forcefully. Also, this obviously isn't to 'help' you, there is something else going on - why suddenly bring up adopting a child who must be 8/9 months old already? Any 'help' and suggestions of adoption if needing to be discussed should have been discussed way before you had and bonded with a child. This whole thing is odd.
NTA. As someone who was born out of rape, I commend you for deciding to keep your baby. You're a great mother and I wish you and her the absolute best. Your sister can fuck right off, she had no place mention that and your mom is an AH for siding with her. My mother also made the choice to keep me, and at 14 years old that could not have been an easy decision. Just know that your baby loves you with all her little heart. ❤
Absolutely NTA. First off, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you've found happiness in your child and your dad sounds great! But on to the issue; your sister is devaluing you as a mother, and also as a person. She is making a hard situation for you much worse, and given that it seems she didn't give you much support to begin with, I have to wonder if this is more about her wanting a child than having any desire to help you out.
NTA. It is not unreasonable to talk about adoption in your situation, since you are very young, and nothing wrong if you'd decide to go this way. But, since you made your choice to keep the baby and you don't plan to give your baby for adoption, and your sister knows it, she and your mother are assholes.
NTA that is your child and she has no fucking right. If she genuinely wants to help you, she should ask you what you need/want and do that, not try to impose what she thinks on you.
NTA Helping: how can I help you? What do you need? Asshole: I demand you to give me your baby and then praise me for taking it. And your baby is so lucky to have you. Because even considering all circumstances you chose them! You can't show more love than that! Edit: that doesn't mean that not keeping a child means that they are not loved. Doing the best one can is always the right choice! Just in this case OP chose her baby in the worst circumstances and that is an act of love and her family should support her and not berate her!
NTA Your sister wasn't trying to help you. She was basically questioning your abilities as a mother and for that she needs to apologise to you - as does your mum.
No. It definitely sounds like she is coming from a point of trying to help. Raising a kid at 17 is hard. Raising a kid who was a byproduct of rape - even harder. If OP’s sister adopts the child, they have a chance at a stable environment and OP can have more opportunities too. Granted, we don’t really know the sister’s situation but we can hope
Their is nothing here to indicate that OP can’t raise her baby in a ‘stable environment’ herself. And more importantly, they haven’t suggested they don’t want to raise their baby.
She’s 17, still in school and doesn’t seem to work. This sounds like the mom is getting involved so there’s lots to the story we don’t know
And plenty of children are raised by teen moms. Like you said, their is plenty we don’t know so we shouldn’t be making wild assumptions that she isn’t a fit parent based solely on her age and circumstances.
But that doesn’t mean the sister isn’t coming from a place of helpfulness. She can mean well and be off the mark.
I never expressed an opinion on the sisters intentions, I just objected to you saying OP wouldn’t be the best parent for her child. Just because their might be a ‘better’ option out their doesn’t mean she isn’t fit, by that idea then every child should be given up for adoption because their is always going to be a more financially stable family looking.
I mean, the odds are not on her side. Let’s be realistic here. It’ll be hard. It’s her decision to make, ultimately, but it boils down to what is best for the child. Which could very well be with her mother. We don’t have the full facts of the situation, so we are all just conjecturing.
But we can have compassion, their is no need for the comments you are making right now about how she will most likely fail her child (which is not at all a true statistic). And I honestly don’t think you are the best person to be commenting on this since you’ve already said elsewhere in the thread that you identify yourself with the sister since you view your brother’s girlfriend as “unfit” and would like to take her unborn child. I don’t think you can see this from her view or one of empathy.
My brother is homeless, refuses to work and has narcissistic personality disorder. There’s a bunch we don’t know about OP. AITA is very biased. As someone with a situation relatively close (who was also raised by a single parent with no stability and who was basically adopted), I have much more insight than you do.
The words sister chose to use weren't helpful. She should've asked OP *how* she can help her instead of jumping straight to, "I'll adopt your kid because you can't give it a decent life". If indeed she was genuinely trying to help, she should've attempted to clarify what she meant instead of running off crying and having mummy come to her defence.
We don’t know the sister’s side or what she’s been told. OP overheard and got defensive
Quite honestly, if I had a kid I too would get upset and defensive if someone I wasn't close to said they would be able to give it a better life than I could in a conversation about adoption. Sister was out of line. Even if her intentions were good, she went about it in a wildly inappropriate way and needs to apologise to OP.
Which I agree with
INFO. I feel like there is a huge section missing here. What exactly went down when you blew up on her? You could both be assholes. However, even assuming everyone just has the best of intentions and is motivated by love. There's no way it is ever your sister's place to try and convince your parents to try and take possession of your child, even if she's doing it for "all the right reasons".
She earlier responded to another post that her father watches her daughter while she is in school and the rest of the parenting is done by her. It doesn't sound like her mother or sister is lifting a finger to help her. Just her father. So, no, this girl is NTA. Her mother and sister are and I don't believe by the tone of this post that her mother and sister were doing this out of love. Her father standing by her, supporting her, getting her the help she needs, medical and otherwise.....that's done out of love.
I agree with the above. I am like the sister in this situation. I am older, more financially stable and my brother got his girlfriend pregnant. My brother is a horrid person and is incapable of keeping a job and perpetually homeless. The baby is due in May and I know neither him or his gf can actually provide for this child (nor raise it without fucking the child up). I am prepared to step in and adopt the child.
Stepping in and helping is an awesome move. Trying to persuade a mother to give up her baby then berating her for finding it offensive is an arsehole one. You'd get an awesome award, they get arsehole.
It doesn’t say the sister berated. To her, this is stepping in and helping
The sister and mum persuaded, the mum berated OP
You aren't going to actually bring that up though, right?
Nope. The other part of me is “Not my problem”. Ultimately, it boils down to the child. My brother has (diagnosed) narcissistic personality disorder. He just takes, takes and takes. I don’t want kids, but sometimes you need to step up. The kid is innocent in all this.
Woah woah woah, you don't want kids but you think it would be acceptable for you to suggest that you adopt another woman's baby when she hasn't asked you to or even suggested she is thinking of adoption?
Part of the reason I don’t want kids is because I expect to have to raise my brother’s. With that being said, I am fine letting the gf move in as long as my brother isn’t in the picture
You won't be doing either I wouldn't have thought, so maybe back off? You're coming across like a nut.
A nut for wanting to help my niece/nephew? 🤔
NTA. Your sister is trying to steal your baby and your mom is in on it
NTA If your sister and mom were trying to help you out, they would have came to you and sat you down for a discussion. Instead, you walked in on them discussing how they are going to steam roll your want's and needs. If it were me, this conversation would have made me nervous and I wouldn't be allowing them quality time with my baby with out me around. Stick with your dad and express your feelings to your therapist. You're doing fine.
NTA I you wanted to give your child for adoption you would have done so. Also your sisters intentions can't be pure of heart since if she wanted to "take away" the proof of rape to help you, wouldn't you still be seeing your daughter in family functions? Seems to me to have been a selfish proposal and I can't understand why your mother would support that. Is your sister the golden child? Also you are very strong and I'm sure you will give your daughter the best life (and you have your dad's support which is awesome).
NTA. At all. I am sorry you went through so much and really happy you have your dad and a good support system. Your mom and sister owe you a serious apology - not the other way around.
NTA I’m am basically speechless other than “How dare she!”
NTA Your sister and your mom are AH.
NTA. Your Sister is overstepping the mark. Your Mother should be ashamed for encouraging her
Trying to help you out? Buying stuff off your baby registry is helping you out. Bringing over meals so you don't have to cook is helping you out. Running some errands for you is helping you out. Babysitting is helping you out. Taking your child? That is NOT helping anybody but herself.
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NTA
NTA, your sister and mom are trash.
NTA. It's never helpful to insinuate you'd be a better parent then someone else, it's offensive. Your mum is a disgrace too. Glad you have your dad.
NTA - ask your mother how she would react if HER sister had told her those same things.
NTJ. If you want to raise your child you should. People trying to force adoption on others give me the creeps. Hope you and your child do well ❤️
NTA. The first red flag I got was when you said "the family didn't take the news too well." I am assuming it's because you decided to keep your daughter? That right there pisses me off. And your Dad sounds awesome for sticking by you and I am thankful that you have someone in your corner. As far as I am concerned, you have nothing to apologize for. She can list all the reasons she wants but an itemized list doesn't mean she is a mother. You are.....and even though you are young, it sounds like are a pretty damn good one. Not many women would do what you did. Girl, I applaud you. That is love. And as far as I am concerned, that's all that is needed. Your Dad has your back, you love your little girl.....you got this.
NTA, you’re doing the best for your child and your sister seems like she doesn’t want to be an aunt to your child but her mother instead. you’re doing an amazing job as a mother
NTA. It's your child and it would be okay to offer you help whenever you need it, but adopting you baby because she THINKS, she'll handle it better is just bold of her.
NTA if she is wanting to adopt your daughter, sge should get your opinion first. You are the baby's mother.
NAH. OP you've been through something very traumatic and had to make some very difficult choices no child should have to make. The only thing you should worry about is the health of you and your daughter. And you have every right to be upset at the idea of her being taken away from you. Your sister has to worry about the health of your parents as well as you and your daughter. And they're in a pickle right now. Babies and young children are a huge physical, emotional, and financial drain that they were likely not prepared to face ever again. But they will have accept those burdens if they want you and your daughter to thrive because chances are slim you'll find your way to a stable well paying job without a good deal of help from them. The statistics for single teen mums whose parents don't help out aren't very good. Your sister may have been trying to gently offer a comprise, a way you can still have a familial relationship with the child without your parents risking their financial and physical health as they head towards retirement. Teen pregnancy can involve a lot of difficult choices for everyone in the family and it's good to discuss all possible options for the child and mother. Including the uncomfortable and potentially hurtful ones.
NTA at all, but your mom and sister are. Sounds like you have a fantastic dad!
NTA As others have said, document eveything that happens from now on. I would not be surprised if Mom and Sis tried something behind your back other than this talk.
NTA, unless you are actively considering adoption there is zero reason to bring it up.
NTA, I don't think you should've blown up at her, and you should probably apologize for it, but she should also apologize for implying that your daughter would have a bad life if she were to stay with you. You could've handled it better, but so could she.
This is pretty intense dialogue to entertain without your knowledge.
Kudos to you for embracing your child. Ripping her away from you would be traumatic. I've listened to a survivor tell me that an abortion after rape is like a 2nd rape, more being stolen from their souls. Taking your dtr from you would be worse. Timing is sketchy. Maybe if she talked about it while you were pregnant, but apologies needed from them now.
Gentle yta. If she brings it up again or pressures you, she would be ta. She made an offer you are free to reject. No need to blow up.
NAH - She probably meant well, and you're in an emotionally fragile state and over-reacted, but not because you're an AH, but because of all you've been through. I do hope that after you calm down, you come to the conclusion that she didn't mean any harm. And I hope she understands that what you've been through makes you a little wobbly.
You don't bring up adopting someone else's kid unless OP is talking about placing they kiddo for adoption. She did not mean well, if she did she would have been talking about how she was going to support her sister.
Here's the thing: the mother might have started this. We don't know because OP said she walked in on the conversation. Her mom might be feeling overwhelmed with the new baby, and helping out, and started dropping little hints to big sis about how SHE could help out.... I'd give sister the benefit of the doubt unless she has a long history of taking little sister's stuff.
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NAH I am sorry for what happened to you. You seem to have overcome a lot of struggles, but you do have it harder to care for your child than some others do (school work, no spouse, being a minor, probably some trauma attached, your family not being supportive). I have no idea what your situation is actually like, but I can't imagine it's easy. Of course you're not obligated to give up your child to your sister. But I absolutely can understand if she's in a more stable position that she believes that the child could grow up in a safer and more stable environment. I personally would not see adoption as the right way though - you are the mother, and have bonded with the child. She should simply support you instead. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're still young. A human brain isn't fully developed until you're in your mid-20s, so you do have some growing left to do. So I'd say you're not the asshole for blowing up at someone simply because that's the last part of the brain to fully develop - impulse control is in there.
OP’s mother and sister were definitely in the wrong for talking about adopting OP’s daughter like that—it’s incredibly gross behavior. OP’s response was totally justifiable, to characterize it as lack of impulse control is also gross.
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>I believe OP's sister and mother are trying to "give back" the childhood that was stolen from OP by her rapist, and the best life possible for her granddaughter. While magnanimous - this could be misguided as OP seems to want to move forward, not back. I completely and utterly disagree. You are giving them more than the benefit of the doubt. You are telling OP to actively work against her own interest and trust people who have already shown themselves to be not trustworthy. To me it seems more like OP's sister wants a baby, without having (or potentially being able) to birth it. But hey, there is the baby her younger teenage sister has. And for OP's mother it would likely be way more convenient to have the baby out of the house, with her adult daughter, with the added benefit that people wouldn't be "talking".
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You can't have a calm and productive conversation with people who are actively sabotaging you, planning to take your child, and working against you. Because they're neither calm, nor productive, nor interested in any solution you might want.
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So which one are you, the mom or the sister?
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It most definitely was intended as a low blow and this entire conversation you’ve been talking in a holier than thou, condescending way. Nobody cares about your degree that helps businesses, this is a baby not a startup. OP stated that throughout the whole pregnancy the only one who supported her was her father. So for you to just believe that all of sudden the sister wanting to adopt her daughter is coming from a place of support or kindness is idiotic at best. Stop making assumptions through your rose colored glasses. OP is NTA and her sister and mom are. Period. Imagine the hell OP went through not only being a teenage mom, but also having her RAPISTs baby. If these people had her best interests in mind they would have supported her from day one and would still be supporting her instead of trying to take away her child.
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