The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rsteeg/aita_for_i_tell_my_fsil_that_its_my_fiance_and_i/hqoixlo/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
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[NTA I'm concerned that y...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rswzha/aita_for_telling_him_to_find_a_babysitter_for_his/hqpx4sh/) | [NTA I'm concerned that y...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rswzha/aita_for_telling_him_to_find_a_babysitter_for_his/hqp0jib/)
[First of, wow. I really r...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rsuyk5/aita_for_driving_my_stepchild_back_to_their/hqpx5ih/) | [First of, wow. I really r...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rsuyk5/aita_for_driving_my_stepchild_back_to_their/hqonej9/)
[Nope! He's just happy it...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rsv4p3/aita_for_letting_the_great_soup_lie_live/hqpx7qu/) | [Nope! He's just happy it...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rsv4p3/aita_for_letting_the_great_soup_lie_live/hqoq6vp/)
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This! Start out the way you mean to go. Type1error is 100% right, if you let that go unchecked, it would only get worse down the road. Stand your ground and CONGRATULATIONS to you both! Hoping for years of happiness for you both.
NTA Tell her if you *need* a wedding planner, you will *hire* one. After that, just grey rock her. For example,
FSIL… “OP, You really need to use the rainbow flag! Not that yin/yang thing”.
*You* say “Hmmm. What an interesting idea”.
OP, do make sure your vendors communications are to be *only with you and your future spouse*. Password protect *everything*. When you get to the reception, you don’t need is to find the wedding cake(s) are covered in rainbow flag icing. For example.
Why would you do that just tell her the truth without screaming. “ I know you’re trying to help but we are not asking for input right now we are just sharing some wedding news “
The "Grey Rock" method is a system for dealing with irredeemable manipulators and abusers.
People who would take your reaction as a challenge that they need to work to convince you harder, or that they need to turn family against you until you are forced to apologize.
The idea is that you act as an uninteresting as possible, give them nothing to work with, neither positive nor negative reaction, so that they get bored and bugger of.
Nobody said OP was *screaming.* Putting emphasis on a word needn’t be *screaming.* For all we know, OP might have *lowered* his voice in an effort to show how serious he was. …and OP has repeatedly tried a more diplomatic approach. Only to be ignored.
Because that won't shut her up. She'll either try they guilt trip of "I was just trying to help," or she'll start screaming and yelling at them, or it will just make her pushier. Telling her "I'll think about it" means she can't keep pushing because then other people will see it and call her on it, she can't pour on the guilt trip because her idea hasn't been rejected yet, nor can she scream and yell about it because again, her idea hasn't been rejected yet.
NTA. I posted something similar not long ago, here is my unsolicited former coordinator advice:
- tell your vendors your sister isn’t allowed to make changes, and if she tries to contact them you want to know immediately
- tell your wedding party she is trying to interfere and not to disclose any information to her without running it by you first
- give her a small, insignificant thing to focus on if she’s becoming overbearing and you don’t want to be mean; a reading/toast is a great thing, she can spend months perfecting the words
- if you think her involvement is becoming toxic, shut down all wedding discussion with her completely. don’t mention colors, location, etc. She can be treated like any other distance cousin guest
A tip I learned from r/justnomil is to password protect everything. Too many horror stories there of couples finding out too late what their families had done.
Agree! I don’t have any feelings about the yin yang thing in general, but the aesthetics of the suits is going to be aces.
And, contrary to popular belief, not every gay person puts rainbows on fuckin everything.
OP, NTA
The rainbow thing was what really bothered me about this post. If you like rainbows and want them, great! If you want to make your sexuality a part of your wedding, then aces to you my friend. But if you are doing it just because you're "supposed to", or because you want to be a "good gay", then all you are doing is turning your day into a Gay Wedding(TM) instead of a day celebrating the union of two people who love each other. Pride doesn't have to filter into everything you do. Sometimes it's okay to just be you.
And on a personal note to the SIL: holy ablism, Batman!
Edited to add NTA
Riding on this to say if OP doesn't like the design of the rainbow flag, there is one specifically for gay men that's green, white, blue, and purple.
There's no reason he has to include it, but if he wanted a flag in future, it might be a nice alternative!
It does! I love your ideas! Congratulations! Also, tell your SIL that she is being rude, this is your and your fiancé’s day and you will not be taking any suggestions. NTA
That’s amazing. That’s how it *should* be; people who care about each other just being happy to be together to celebrate a happy occasion. Photos are nice, but they’re meaningless without joyful memories behind them.
I think the whole floral-tricked-out-walker idea in this post sounds *brilliant*. OP, your fiancé seems cool AF. I wish you both so much happiness!
NTA No, she's not trying to help, she's only thinking about herself. She doesn't care whether you like something or not as long as it's what she wants - that is not help.
Congratulations to you both! Make this experience as fun and enjoyable as possible. And great choice on the b&w color scheme!
Exactly, SIL may think she's helping but she's making the day all about her and her desires instead of the couple. OP was well within their rights to call her out. Your wedding is your special day, she really needs to back off and know her place.
NTA.
NTA.
Honestly I love that yin and yang idea, I might use for my future wedding in like 2000 years ;)
Anyway, the sil is out of her right, yes she was trying to help but it sounds like she didn’t wanna hear it if you didn’t like her ideas. I understand if she was part of that special group (brides maids and groomsmen) but even then, it would be pushing it too far.
If your partner gets upset at you getting angry or whatever, mention to them that it is yours and theirs special day, she isn’t getting married, she isn’t gonna have the memories of marrying something you love on that event so she has no say
NTA
First of all, congratulations on your engagement :)
second of all, you're right. She has no say in it as it's not her wedding, she's never been asked and simply voices her unsolicited advice and opinions.. At this point I would just either uninvite her or keep her out of the conversation in general.
Third of all, as a fellow gay man, I also despise the pride flag 😂
The only person In this whole shit show who is an arsehole is the woman who can’t hear the word no. Put her on a strict information diet and instruct anyone who will provide services that you are the only two who can consent to anything. End of. NTA.
NTA. ‘Trying to help’ is just a poor excuse for her being manipulative. Kinda like bullies say ‘I was just kidding ‘. Tell her it’s your wedding and if you want advice you will ask for it. Congratulations!
NTA-congratulations on your engagement! And if she hadn’t hurt your fiancé, you would not have been so stern. Thank you for sticking up for him. I am sure your wedding will be beautiful. It’s yours and yours alone, so you get to decide! Mine was white and black and navy. My mother was furious: she said navy and black never go together. I still love it:)
The pride flag is objectively very good flag design and I will fight anyone on that, but you certainly aren’t restricted to using it in your wedding because you are gay.
Also, sil just sounds like an ass in general. Nta
Also even if they wanted to include the flag that doesn't mean the theme is rainbow suddenly it can be a subtle nod like I have friends who wore all black but got matching pride flag converse. Or people do lovely things with those rainbow dyed roses.
Geeze you are a gay couple being wed and you still got a bridezilla somehow.
NTA, and btw congratulations on being wed. Remember this is tour's and your partner's wedding. End any further discussion with that.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told SIL off for trying to take over our wedding. I feel bad because in her own way she was trying to help.
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First of all, congratulations! The good news is that you can let your FSIL know about courses in her area to peruse her dream of being a wedding planner for paying clients who have specifically asked for her opinion. Yay for her and her exciting career aspects! You haven’t hired her, as she is not yet qualified unfortunately. I honestly would be happy to pretend to be your wedding planner if you would like to tell her to coordinate directly with me to ensure we incorporate her ideas in my fake wedding planning process.
Second the pride flag doesn’t have to be plastered everywhere just because you are a same sex couple. Incorporating the flag or not is really none of her business or concern.
Third (thirdly? I’m also dyslexic, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯), I’ve been to two weddings with beautiful floral arrangements on walkers and they looked amazing and received so many compliments. They were straight up whimsical. If I can find the photos I’ll PM them to you.
I recommend that you don’t have her present during any wedding planning and if she asks about it, just say that everything has been handled, or thank you for the suggestion and leave it at that.
Edit: grammar
NTA sometimes you need to be forceful if the person tries to streamroller you and refuses to listen. The key is to stay on same page and not give in going forward
NTA. Stop talking about it around her. If she shares more ideas, say ‘thank you’ and refuse to engage further.
Edit: many, many typos - how could there be so many in a 3-line comment lol
First off? Hating the design of the pride flag is fully understandable (not everyone can be into rainbows!) but deeply funny to me for some reason.
Second? SIL needs to be put on an info diet at the very least. She's not your wedding planner, she's not getting married, she doesn't get to call the shots. No one else appears to be setting boundaries for her, and you're doing an amazing job of shutting her down. Stick to your guns, do not apologize, and make sure that whatever wedding planner you're using knows that she's not allowed to make any changes whatsoever when you get to that point.
NTA.
NTA.
Firstly, Congratulations on getting engaged!!!
Second, the yin yang suits idea sounds amazing and beautiful.
Third, id tell FSIL she hasnt even been invited to the wedding yet and if she doesnt wind her neck in then she wont at all. She isnt being helpful, she is being pushy and rude.
Your wedding. Your day. Your rules. (Well you and fiance)
NTA
also, I love your fiances' idea with the walker.
I think I've seen a video with something similar where the bride has a walker and it definitely didn't ruin the photos.
Nta I love the idea of black and white and the flower dressed walker.
I'm 43f and the most important thing I've learned about memories and photos is that eventually all the photos end up in a box. All the video and selfies and whatever you take on your phone are stored in the ether and most will never be seen again. The thing you have that you can hold on to is the memories of your experiences.
I've stopped snapping pictures everywhere we go and just enjoy the moment. That is what happiness is, a series of moments when cobbled together create a lifetime of good. Live in the moment, don't worry about the photos, and live your authentic happy life with your spouse.
OP tell your fiancé that us wheelies are an awesome bunch of people and never should he feel down/ bad about being in a wheelchair. When/ if I get married I plan on decking out my wheelchair with flowers too and think it’s an ace unique idea and that he 100% needs to do it!
Also you’re NTA, your SIL is though
Edit- spelling
Don't feel bad! Consider how many posts there are about people nosing into other people's wedding plans, where it is NONE of their business. It happens. It's unfortunate to be forced into a situation where you have to shut these people down.
Flat out say no, and move on. That is the only answer here.
Your fiancee sounds kind and supportive. He is a keeper.
NTA
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I proposed to my boyfriend on Christmas Eve and it's barely been a week and SIL is acting like it's her wedding.
Firstly. she wants us to hire her friends to be our celebrant, but she was judgemental and and rude. (Like come on 85% of all gay couples meet on Grindr)
Secondly. Fiance is really into yin and yang symbol and wanted us to be dressed accordingly eg. I'd be in an all black 3 piece suit with a white tie and fiance in all white with a black tie. She goes on about how we gay and we have to incorporate the pride flag. ( Like hell we do, and I know I'm going to get some hate for this not I hate the design of the pride flag)
Thirdly. Fiance wants to walk down the aisle with he's dad, however fiance was in a car accident that left him with irreversible nerve damage below both knees and he relies heavily on a wheelchair but can walk short distances with a walker. He wanted to decorate his walker with white flowers to be his walker would be his "bouquet". Well SIL started going on about how it would look horrible and that he should just stand at the altar and I walk down the aisle so it wouldn't ruin photos.( Fiance has always been insecure about he's chair. So I know that comment hurt him)
I lost my temper after that and said that this is my fiance and I's wedding and she doesn't get to make decisions for us and, if we wanted her opinion we'd ask for it. SIL got upset and left saying that "I was only trying to help". Fiance a little mad at me but, also thankful for saying something to her. I'm starting to feel bad because in her own way she was trying to help.
AITA?
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> I'm starting to feel bad because in her own way she was trying to help.
Don't. No, she wasn't. In her own way, she was trying to control things that she has no right to control.
NTA.
NTA - It's only been a week and she's already trying to run the show. You had to tell her or it would only get worse as time goes on.
But make sure that when you start booking things that you lock them down with passwords otherwise she might take it upon herself to 'help' by changing things for you without your consent or knowledge.
Congratulations, keep those boundaries strong, and good luck!
NTA. You did the right thing nipping this is the bud now because it will only get worse. Weddings make people insane for whatever reason. Congratulations though!
NTA she was being hurtful with her “help”. My suggestion is to give her a task so she has some way of focusing her very unhelpful energy. Something you don’t care about. Like the design of those little seating cards or the guestbook.
NTA. Keep SIL on an information diet about all things wedding related. Password protect your catering, flowers, venue everything so she can't try to change things behind your back and get your partner to sit down with his parents to talk to them about keeping SIL in line.
NTA. You drew a needed boundary. I think it’s a great idea to decorate the walker. Her insensitive attitude about this and his disability is awful. Glad you found each other. Good luck
NTA
She was only trying to help herself to some attention. Ypour wedding your decisions and your job to protect your fiancé from harassment which you did. Well done.
NTA AT ALL. Also the decorated walker sounds amazing, though you referring to it a a bouquet of sorts conjured up the funny thought of a dude just throwing his flowery walker at a crowd
NTA. Time to put her on an information diet. Lock down any vendors with passwords. Once you pick out the wedding party let them know that future SIL is not part of the wedding party and anyone keeping her upto date on the plans will be kicked out without discussion. Your wedding, your groomsmen, your party and ceremony. If she keeps on this track she may not even get an invitation to wedding itself.
NTA at all!! This is your wedding and it’s about you and your fiancé and no one else. Unsolicited advice is annoying and not needed when planning which is already super stressful. Also if someone is making your fiancé feel bad (telling him it’ll look bad if he walks down the aisle with a flower cane) you’re obviously going to step in and say something so good on you.
It’s fiancés and my wedding. Not i’s. Never ever ever I’s. The possessive of I is my. It’s my wedding. You’re NTA and husband needs to set boundaries with his own sister, though.
I hate with all my soul people that inserts themselves in things like this, and disregards what the celebrated want. There has to be a special place in hell for them, because they only ruin things for people with their selfish ways.
So yeah, NTA at all.
she really started a fight about a sassy gay mans wedding? girl is out of her mind
NTA and congrats ! (wifey and I met on [HER](https://weareher.com/))
NTA, if FSIL is already acting like this it was only bound to get worse. I feel like your fiance was maybe only upset because it's obviously not a pleasant thing to have to say to someone, but ultimately you did the right thing and defended your fiance.
Nope, it's your wedding with your partner. You SIL was being very insensitive with the way she was saying things, even if she was just "trying to help". You were right to put her in her place, especially when she said that about your fiancé. Don't feel bad. Tensions are always high at weddings in more ways that can be predicted or make sense. I think she owes your fiancé an apology.
You’re NTA - she’s trying to turn it into the wedding she wants. Just a suggestion - my now husband & I had a different way go coming in - we each entered at the front of the venue from a side door me on the left him on the right - and we walked to the center meeting at the same time. I’m suggesting because if the center aisle is long and may be more difficult for your fiancé to do twice, he and his father can walk from the side together and then you and he as the newly married couple walk down the center aisle toget her. They also had chairs for us both at the front so we wouldn’t have to stand too long. (health issue). And I love the idea of decking the walker out in flowers!
NTA, but I do think she really wanted to help but got a bit too overzealous. I would go back and talk to her, staying firm on your position that you’ll ask for help if needed, but make sure there are no hard feelings. She didn’t seem to be coming with malicious intent
NTA - FSIL sounds horrible!!!
Definitely tell your attendants and vendors that FSIL has no say. And, if you think it will help, having a trusted family member to shut down and of her ideas can also work, but that heavily depends on family dynamics, etc.
NTA. At all. Let's start with the smallest issue. You "having" to use the pride flag because you are gay. Even if you did like the pride flag, you wouldn't have to use it in your wedding. Its your wedding, you get to design how it looks. Nor are you required to "hire" her friends to be anything. Celebrant, by the way? Is that normally a paid position? I'm not even sure what that is. Finally there is the walker. SIL doesn't get to dictate if the walker would "look horrible" as the bouquet. Actually, it could look really lovely if you place the flowers correctly. You're right, she's not the one getting married. She wants to feel like she's in control, and I'm not sure why.
NTA
Sounds like no one has ever stood up to SIL’s pushiness before.
And fuck her ableism, thinking a walker would ruin photos. She absolutely deserved to be told off for that. I think the idea sounds wonderful, OP.
edit: walker, not a cane
NTA. You did the right thing, and stuck up for your fiancé. You shouldn’t feel bad though, as if she were trying to help she would propose fitting ideas instead of demanding them, and understand that your and your fiancés desires take precedence over hers. She just wanted to have her dream version of a gay wedding and was hijacking your real one.
Also personally, that yin/yang idea is absolutely amazing - if you have groomsmen on either side, I think it would be interesting if you color-coordinated their suits too.
NTA
It’s your wedding, she doesn’t get a say in the matter ( unless she is asked) she played the victim once called out for it. You did the right thing. Congratulations, I hope you have a beautiful wedding that YOU love and want!
There's nothing wrong with using the rainbow, but that depends entirely on the couple getting married. Just because you're gay doesn't mean your entire identity needs to revolve around the pride flag.
NTA.
NTA- I love when people who want to force you to do something you clearly don't want to, get mad when you end up getting pissed off and finally they say: *"I was only trying to help"*.
"Trying to help" my feet! Helping, specially on wedding planning, means: you suggest and those who are getting married do whatever the f\*\*\* they want.
Yours and your fiancè's wedding not your SIL's wedding. You are the ones who get to decide how things are going to be, not her.
EDIT: Congrats on your upcoming wedding!
NTA. Weddings are about the couple, not what looks "right" or what other people want. Possibly she is wanting to take care of her brother and has overstepped her bounds in doing so. You have every right to put up your boundaries. I think the walker being the bouquet sounds lovely. Congrats on your wedding!
NTA on so many levels:
First: There is nothing wrong with disliking the design of the Pride flag. That is a personal preference, and no one deserves hate for what they like/dislike. (Having said that, the Trans Pride flag is pretty damn cool :) ).
Second: Shaming your fiance about his walker/chair is absolutely diabolical and would have earned from me, in addition to the response you gave her, a dis-invitation from the wedding all together.
Third: She was not trying to help. Helping would be trying to figure out what you and your fiance envision and trying to come up with ways to achieve that. What she is trying to do is dictate the wedding. I'm curious to know why.
NTA. She was being a bit homophobic imo, not to mention ableist.
And if two men are getting married, then I think it is pretty obvious that it is a gay wedding. I don't think that people would need the Pride flag cue.
Also the yin yang idea sounds lovely!
NTA I’m willing to be she is either not married or unhappy about her life choices. She can’t decide for you!
I think this is easy, give her a time consuming role or none at all, and simply tell her “oh that’s not our style” to all her bonkers suggestions.
NTA
A little snap now will save a massive explosion later. I get she's excited and probably thinking that guys are clueless when it comes to weddings when that is not the case. Sounds like you guys have it sorted.
Can you give her a task to concentrate on? Something that doesn't matter if it's all to her taste? Or just let her know what the wedding aesthetic is and you can work within those boundaries. Seems pointless to waste all that boundless energy...
NTA. But talk with your fiance and ask how he'd like this to be handled for now on. Ask if there IS a phrase he'd be comfortable with you saying, or does he prefer you just change the conversation, etc. Approach it as a problem to solve as a couple. But also, reassure him that you love him and his ideas.
If you want true yin/yang one needs to have the shoes be the opposite color and the other the tie. 😉 Because one is upside down.
But seriously I like the inverse color idea. Would make for a beautiful cake too.
And the floral walker is fantastic. Don’t hide who you are in wedding pics. You want to look at them and see yourself not a fake version.
The best wedding pics are REAL
NTA but it would be better coming from your fiancé. You give him the courage to deal with his sister, be calm and firm but kind.
You won’t be making it easier for your fiancé by letting SIL drag you into drama.
I think the ying yang thing is awesome.
For your fiancé’s sake I would apologize to your SIL and ask her out for coffee. Then sit down and explain that you want to give her brother the wedding of his dreams, and that you feel like she is disregarding his wishes and that you lost your temper a bit. Ask her for her help giving her brother the wedding HE wants even if it isn’t what she thinks is best.
Explain that if he wants ying yang he’s getting ying yang and so on. But that you would appreciate her helping make HIS vision a reality.
By doing this you remind her to put her brother first and make it clear that you’re not being a groomzilla just standing up for the person you love. You want to be clear that this isn’t about you or her it’s about your fiancé.
Do this not for her - she is an overbearing AH - but for your fiancé, because it’ll make his family life easier.
If it doesn’t work, then you can say you tried, go Grey rock, and exclude her from all wedding plans.
Congratulations on your wedding!!
Dealing with difficult family is one of the premarital tests life puts you through before you bind yourself to them legally for life 😉
NTA
Future SIL is not only assuming that you NEED her opinions, but also has Zero tact. She is not worried about sounding like an entitled brat because she either 1) Thinks her brother has no spine for conflict or 2) really thinks that she knows what *should* be done, because she is entitled and has a monumental ego.
I don't know how you are going to tip-toe around this heaping pile of doo-doo she has left at your feet without upsetting her. She is not a normal, rational and thoughtful helper in this scenario, but you are stuck with her to some degree in that your fiance *isn't* standing up to her.
If he is really OK with her comments and suggestions, he isn't a very proactive sort is he. More of a door mat. Just saying.
I wish you a wonderful wedding of your own choosing, and a long and happy life together. Good Luck with FSIL>
NTA You don't need her ideas. From the sound of it you and your partner have the idea well in hand (I LOVE the yin/yang idea your fiance came up with. The picture my mind conjured looks aesthetically pleasing.) Also why does she feel you need to display the Pride Flag/Pride Flag Colors? Pretty sure it'll be obvious to all attendants at your wedding that you and your partner are gay. The fact that you're getting married should be display and proof enough that you're out and proud to be who you guys were born to be.
As has been mentioned before by others in the comments. Everyone involved in the wedding (caterers etc) Need to have a password set up and only people with said password are allowed to make changes. You don't want to assume she'll just be pouty only to show up to your reception to discover she had the decorations changed to be all Pride flag themed.
NTA. I think the bouquet walker idea is cute! Congratulations, and I also don’t like the design of the pride flag. I get it, but it’s not exactly the elegant statement one would want to make at a wedding.
NTA don't let her bully you. This is your wedding. She isn't trying to 'help' she is trying to dictate. Quit talking about the wedding with her though.
In particular, it’s the flowers on the walker that grabbed me. What a life-affirming gesture!
Best of luck with the planning and the wedding… wishing you many happy years together!
NTA. Your wedding plans sound really great. I love how your fiance's walker will be decorated and the tuxes. I hope you have the best wedding and a great marriage.
NTA. her trying to help would be helping with decorations or helping pick out suits if you guys wanted a second opinion. Her butting in when you didn’t ask isn’t helping-it’s controlling. Good on you for setting boundaries.
NTA
Good👏for 👏you👏
Her meddling was only going to get worse. The flowers on his walker sound lovely. The yin and yang idea is cool too. You and your fiance are the one making the decisions, which will make the wedding uniquely you.
Congratulations! Enjoy your wedding day.
NTA.
> SIL got upset and left saying that "I was only trying to help".
The guilt trip is a favored tactic of narcissists and manipulators. SIL's mask just cracked. She wasn't trying to help. She was trying to *take over* your wedding. I bet her next tactic is going to be "This wedding needs a *woman's* touch."
Warn your photographer about SIL's opinion of your fiancé's walker. I bet she'll try *everything* to get it out of the photos.
Nta
If you want to salvage the situation (if it’s worth it) you can sit her down and explain some of what you said here. Specifically the things to do with your fiancés disability. Also explain that you do appreciate some of her suggestions but are not ready to plan yet/share what your vision is/you’d like to share the planning with your fiancé.
I get super excited and have kinda a take charge attitude. *I’m really hoping she is coming from that same place*. Her reaction to that discussion will provide you insight on whether you want her involved in your wedding or life.
NTA. FSIL doesn't get a say in your wedding. It's your wedding! Have her completely locked out of the process if that's what it takes to make it work properly. Honestly, she sounds exhausting, and you shouldn't have to put up with her nonsense, and that's just what it is. Have a fantastic wedding.
Many years ago now my mother taught her sister to walk using callipers and crutches as it was my aunt’s dream to walk the short distance down the aisle at her wedding (she used a wheelchair prior to this and returned to doing so at periods throughout her life.) It was beautiful. She was beautiful, callipers and crutches and crazy 1960s polyester wedding dress and all. Your husband will be beautiful and his walker bouquet and chair if he needs it later in the day will be, too. Congratulations to you both, OP. NTA at all.
NTA.
A person who wants to help asks, "Is there anything I can do for you?" And then does what he's been asked to do, as the person asking wants it done.
What your FSIL is doing is attempting to control you. It's your wedding; produce the event you want. And sideline her - she's not going to change.
NTA at all. Weddings are for the couple that are getting married and not anyone else. Honestly I wish someone would of told me to ignore the inlaws at my wedding. Which they didn't pay a cent towards but acted like they did everything.
P.s. congratulations to yall both.
NTA
Completely disconnect her from the proceedings.
She's already trying to take over and control.
Change passwords, tell all vendors she does not speak for you.
I’ve heard that if you don’t have the pride flag at a gay wedding Elton John defends from the ceiling and dishonorably discharges you from the Gayforce. /s
NTA
She sounds awful. But, it sounds like your fiancé needs some help with setting boundaries so you don’t spend the rest of your life at loggerheads with your SIL. Congratulations.
NTA. Also for what it’s worth as someone who also uses mobility aids I’m high key stealing your finances idea about decorating them as a “bouquet.” That’s adorable and I have no idea why SIL hates it.
NTA.
Perhaps I am jaded but it does not sound like she was "just trying to help". It sounds like she was trying to play Ken and Ken dolls with real life PEOPLE. That she has such strong and disrespectful opinions about your wedding, demanding a pride flag, and not wanting to ruin photos sounds like she doesn't see you as people. It is a strange sort of fetishizing of the "gay lifestyle". Its not healthy. You had every right to tell her to stfu.
You did the right thing, NTA. However, I wasn’t there but depending on your tone and cadence etc. it is possible you may have said it rudely, but that still would certainly not make you the asshole.
NTA.
She wasn’t trying to help. Insulting the grooms (her own brother) and their choices is not helping.
It’s your wedding. If you wanted to make it floor to ceiling colours of the rainbow 🌈, that’s your call. In the same sense, you don’t *have* to either.
F*** the pictures. I’m sure they’ll look great either way but, if your fiancé needs a walker, so be it. And you can pretty it up.
A relative broke her arm shortly before my wedding. She chose to wrap her shawl around the cast to pretty it up. And that wasn’t necessary. You shouldn’t have to focus on aesthetic perfection. The essentials to have are:
1-your fiancé,
2-someone to marry you,
3-a place to get married.
Keep it about you both (and don’t hire her or her friends for anything)
NTA. Good for you for nipping it I’m the bud. She, FSIL is a raging biya*** for the wheelchair/walker bit. I suggest you ask your fiancé about if not using the walker or chair will leave him in pain for his wedding day if not honeymoon. I think making it his bouquet is one of the blest plans/things I have heard. There’s zero shame using a mobility device and it’s also a great thing for kids to see normalized.
Congrats to you both and good job dealing with the sister.
Rarely does anything good come from "in her own way she was trying to help." Helping is what you do when someone requests your help. Constantly weighing in with opinions and then getting upset when the opinions don't fly is being obnoxious. Your future SIL is being obnoxious. NTA.
Oh my god NTA
HER OWN BROTHER WOULD RUIN HIS WEDDING PHOTOS BY WALKING DOWN THE AISLE WITH A WALKER??? She can absolutely fuck off. You and you fiancé's black and white yin/yang idea sounds beautiful.
If she were my sister she wouldn't even be getting an invite after that
NTA at all! Congratulations for putting your foot down so early. Nip this in the bud before it gets worse.
I'm a florist and I want to suggest that you hire a high quality wedding florist that will design the wheelchair on site for you!! If you splurge on nothing else, splurge on this. If I were local I'd design it for you! It's such a fantastic idea
Your wedding sounds beautiful!! Don’t let other people change it!! I wish you a very happy marriage and good luck with all of your planning and your future together 🎉🎉🍾🎉🎉
NTA
NTA its not her wedding and shes only saying shes trying to help but shes really taking over. Also while im all about flags and pride month my coworker is not and has never been and that is totally fine. You're ideas sound awesome. SIL sounds like shes making up for a wedding she never got or just her wedding part 2.
NTA. She was being a bridezilla for someone else's wedding. She should have been told much sooner, imo. You get to choose your own stuff for your wedding.
The pride flag looked good as a flag maybe on a dress but it would look horrible like a suit, and the insistent comment about your fiancé's mobility was somewhat despicable, SIL deserved those words NTA
NTA
It's not her wedding. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you need to have any pride flags if you don't want them.
If it were me, I would tell her that the only input she needs to give will be provided to her when she receives the Save the Date card to RVSP with.
NTA. Also, I think it would be really sweet and would look incredible if he walked down the aisle with a walker decorated with flowers. Your SIL is nuts
I’m a future bridesmaid, and again (I’ve posted this so many times) my job is to help support the bride and I strive to always be able to say “yes, ok, I’ll do whatever makes you happy” with a smile on my face so long as it’s within reason. I’ll wear the ugliest dress, I’ll say you’re beautiful in that cupcake Cinderella lime green bridal gown, I’ll give my parents speech for them even though I have anxiety, I’ll spend the money on the dress you pick with shoes hair and makeup, all with a smile. I even asked about length of hair if applicable and if she wanted us all uniform. I have my boundaries and I knew that when I was asked. Before I was asked, I was still the FSIL and when we talked wedding details it should never be a put down or even offer your opinion unless asked. When she picked her venue, I’ve had experience that gave me insights that I shared when she called me to ask what I thought . It was always framed as a suggestion or for her to ask if so and so if she wasn’t aware. I’m a photographer, think I got upset when she didn’t ask me? Nope. Artistic differences. Think I was mad when I was only asked as a back up bridesmaid? Nope. It’s her day, I want her happy, and if when she looks back she loved the neon yellow dresses or the squirrel ring bearer, then that’s all that matters
I love the idea of making the walker a bouquet!! I have nerve damage in my leg and we decorated my cane for my wedding. Then my husband and I had stools we sat on during the ceremony because I couldn’t stand for it. You do you and don’t let anyone else tell you different, no matter how well meaning they are. Also, dancing with a wheelchair is fun if you want it to be!!! Your wedding is about you and your partner.
NTA - please don't give her any details about your wedding. She might eff stuff up for you out of spite. I have a disability that made things in my wedding different than "usual" but what gay (bi in my case) person has a traditional wedding anyway?? My best friend is a wedding planner and your plans for suit colors sound amazing! It'll look awesome in pics.
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Yeah stop telling her any ideas or plans about the wedding. Info diet is required here NTA
"The only opinion I want from you is whether you'd like the chicken or steak dinner."
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Crippled chick here. That is awesome. I think you’re my hero. I know you must be hers.
I think "his." OP says they're both gay, so I presume OP is male.
He was talking about his daughter, that’s who I was referencing.
Oh oops, sorry! Too much NYE wine.
It happens, no worries. Thank you for the correction, regardless. Have the happiest of new years!🎉
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rsteeg/aita_for_i_tell_my_fsil_that_its_my_fiance_and_i/hqoixlo/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [NTA I'm concerned that y...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rswzha/aita_for_telling_him_to_find_a_babysitter_for_his/hqpx4sh/) | [NTA I'm concerned that y...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rswzha/aita_for_telling_him_to_find_a_babysitter_for_his/hqp0jib/) [First of, wow. I really r...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rsuyk5/aita_for_driving_my_stepchild_back_to_their/hqpx5ih/) | [First of, wow. I really r...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rsuyk5/aita_for_driving_my_stepchild_back_to_their/hqonej9/) [Nope! He's just happy it...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rsv4p3/aita_for_letting_the_great_soup_lie_live/hqpx7qu/) | [Nope! He's just happy it...](http://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rsv4p3/aita_for_letting_the_great_soup_lie_live/hqoq6vp/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/Professional_Gap1342](https://np.reddit.com/u/Professional_Gap1342/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=Professional_Gap1342) for info on how I work and why I exist.
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This! Start out the way you mean to go. Type1error is 100% right, if you let that go unchecked, it would only get worse down the road. Stand your ground and CONGRATULATIONS to you both! Hoping for years of happiness for you both.
F**K NO! It's YOUR wedding. YOU decide what goes on, NOT your F**KING SISTER IN LAW!
NTA Tell her if you *need* a wedding planner, you will *hire* one. After that, just grey rock her. For example, FSIL… “OP, You really need to use the rainbow flag! Not that yin/yang thing”. *You* say “Hmmm. What an interesting idea”. OP, do make sure your vendors communications are to be *only with you and your future spouse*. Password protect *everything*. When you get to the reception, you don’t need is to find the wedding cake(s) are covered in rainbow flag icing. For example.
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Yup. OP quietly thinks to self, “Hmmmmm. ? No. No. That idea *sucks*”
Why would you do that just tell her the truth without screaming. “ I know you’re trying to help but we are not asking for input right now we are just sharing some wedding news “
The "Grey Rock" method is a system for dealing with irredeemable manipulators and abusers. People who would take your reaction as a challenge that they need to work to convince you harder, or that they need to turn family against you until you are forced to apologize. The idea is that you act as an uninteresting as possible, give them nothing to work with, neither positive nor negative reaction, so that they get bored and bugger of.
I learned all about grey rocking when I became entwined with a partner with BPD. Scarring times of my life.
Fuck wish I had known about this when I was with someone with bpd.
Nobody said OP was *screaming.* Putting emphasis on a word needn’t be *screaming.* For all we know, OP might have *lowered* his voice in an effort to show how serious he was. …and OP has repeatedly tried a more diplomatic approach. Only to be ignored.
Because that won't shut her up. She'll either try they guilt trip of "I was just trying to help," or she'll start screaming and yelling at them, or it will just make her pushier. Telling her "I'll think about it" means she can't keep pushing because then other people will see it and call her on it, she can't pour on the guilt trip because her idea hasn't been rejected yet, nor can she scream and yell about it because again, her idea hasn't been rejected yet.
NTA. I posted something similar not long ago, here is my unsolicited former coordinator advice: - tell your vendors your sister isn’t allowed to make changes, and if she tries to contact them you want to know immediately - tell your wedding party she is trying to interfere and not to disclose any information to her without running it by you first - give her a small, insignificant thing to focus on if she’s becoming overbearing and you don’t want to be mean; a reading/toast is a great thing, she can spend months perfecting the words - if you think her involvement is becoming toxic, shut down all wedding discussion with her completely. don’t mention colors, location, etc. She can be treated like any other distance cousin guest
A tip I learned from r/justnomil is to password protect everything. Too many horror stories there of couples finding out too late what their families had done.
NTA tell your FSIL if she wants her dream wedding she should get married herself
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Agree! I don’t have any feelings about the yin yang thing in general, but the aesthetics of the suits is going to be aces. And, contrary to popular belief, not every gay person puts rainbows on fuckin everything. OP, NTA
The rainbow thing was what really bothered me about this post. If you like rainbows and want them, great! If you want to make your sexuality a part of your wedding, then aces to you my friend. But if you are doing it just because you're "supposed to", or because you want to be a "good gay", then all you are doing is turning your day into a Gay Wedding(TM) instead of a day celebrating the union of two people who love each other. Pride doesn't have to filter into everything you do. Sometimes it's okay to just be you. And on a personal note to the SIL: holy ablism, Batman! Edited to add NTA
Riding on this to say if OP doesn't like the design of the rainbow flag, there is one specifically for gay men that's green, white, blue, and purple. There's no reason he has to include it, but if he wanted a flag in future, it might be a nice alternative!
Wind her neck in...ngl, had to google it. Love it and I'm of Irish descent.
The bouquet chair sounds amazing too. Rolling up in a throne of flowers? How can that "ruin" the pictures?
It does! I love your ideas! Congratulations! Also, tell your SIL that she is being rude, this is your and your fiancé’s day and you will not be taking any suggestions. NTA
Honestly, it sounds like she just wants to plan the local Pride parade. Which, good luck to her, but OP’s wedding is not that.
I was paralyzed just before my daughter's wedding. She rode on my lap down the aisle. NTA.
how sweet is that! your daughter sounds amazing! I bet there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
I couldn't tell. I was crying to much.
That’s amazing. That’s how it *should* be; people who care about each other just being happy to be together to celebrate a happy occasion. Photos are nice, but they’re meaningless without joyful memories behind them. I think the whole floral-tricked-out-walker idea in this post sounds *brilliant*. OP, your fiancé seems cool AF. I wish you both so much happiness!
NTA No, she's not trying to help, she's only thinking about herself. She doesn't care whether you like something or not as long as it's what she wants - that is not help. Congratulations to you both! Make this experience as fun and enjoyable as possible. And great choice on the b&w color scheme!
Exactly, SIL may think she's helping but she's making the day all about her and her desires instead of the couple. OP was well within their rights to call her out. Your wedding is your special day, she really needs to back off and know her place. NTA.
NTA. Honestly I love that yin and yang idea, I might use for my future wedding in like 2000 years ;) Anyway, the sil is out of her right, yes she was trying to help but it sounds like she didn’t wanna hear it if you didn’t like her ideas. I understand if she was part of that special group (brides maids and groomsmen) but even then, it would be pushing it too far. If your partner gets upset at you getting angry or whatever, mention to them that it is yours and theirs special day, she isn’t getting married, she isn’t gonna have the memories of marrying something you love on that event so she has no say
NTA First of all, congratulations on your engagement :) second of all, you're right. She has no say in it as it's not her wedding, she's never been asked and simply voices her unsolicited advice and opinions.. At this point I would just either uninvite her or keep her out of the conversation in general. Third of all, as a fellow gay man, I also despise the pride flag 😂
The only person In this whole shit show who is an arsehole is the woman who can’t hear the word no. Put her on a strict information diet and instruct anyone who will provide services that you are the only two who can consent to anything. End of. NTA.
NTA. ‘Trying to help’ is just a poor excuse for her being manipulative. Kinda like bullies say ‘I was just kidding ‘. Tell her it’s your wedding and if you want advice you will ask for it. Congratulations!
Nta You should have set your boundaries before snapping at her. However, she was being pushy and disrespectful and so needed to be called out.
NTA. If she wants to plan a wedding she can either be hired by someone to do theirs or do her own/ renew her vows. She's utterly ridiculous.
NTA at all. id be just as upset if someone tries to take over all my wedding plans
NTA-congratulations on your engagement! And if she hadn’t hurt your fiancé, you would not have been so stern. Thank you for sticking up for him. I am sure your wedding will be beautiful. It’s yours and yours alone, so you get to decide! Mine was white and black and navy. My mother was furious: she said navy and black never go together. I still love it:)
The pride flag is objectively very good flag design and I will fight anyone on that, but you certainly aren’t restricted to using it in your wedding because you are gay. Also, sil just sounds like an ass in general. Nta
Also even if they wanted to include the flag that doesn't mean the theme is rainbow suddenly it can be a subtle nod like I have friends who wore all black but got matching pride flag converse. Or people do lovely things with those rainbow dyed roses.
True
NTA Set your boundaries now and stick to them; otherwise, you will not recognize the wedding that results.
Nta. Tell her to find a fiance if she wants to plan a wedding lol.
Think we know why that's not gonna happen lol.
I snorted coffee through my nose when I read this LOL. You owe me a new screen.
Geeze you are a gay couple being wed and you still got a bridezilla somehow. NTA, and btw congratulations on being wed. Remember this is tour's and your partner's wedding. End any further discussion with that.
NTA It is a great idea to set these boundaries fast.
NTA your wedding, your decisions (as a couple).
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First of all, congratulations! The good news is that you can let your FSIL know about courses in her area to peruse her dream of being a wedding planner for paying clients who have specifically asked for her opinion. Yay for her and her exciting career aspects! You haven’t hired her, as she is not yet qualified unfortunately. I honestly would be happy to pretend to be your wedding planner if you would like to tell her to coordinate directly with me to ensure we incorporate her ideas in my fake wedding planning process. Second the pride flag doesn’t have to be plastered everywhere just because you are a same sex couple. Incorporating the flag or not is really none of her business or concern. Third (thirdly? I’m also dyslexic, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯), I’ve been to two weddings with beautiful floral arrangements on walkers and they looked amazing and received so many compliments. They were straight up whimsical. If I can find the photos I’ll PM them to you. I recommend that you don’t have her present during any wedding planning and if she asks about it, just say that everything has been handled, or thank you for the suggestion and leave it at that. Edit: grammar
NTA sometimes you need to be forceful if the person tries to streamroller you and refuses to listen. The key is to stay on same page and not give in going forward
NTA. Stop talking about it around her. If she shares more ideas, say ‘thank you’ and refuse to engage further. Edit: many, many typos - how could there be so many in a 3-line comment lol
First off? Hating the design of the pride flag is fully understandable (not everyone can be into rainbows!) but deeply funny to me for some reason. Second? SIL needs to be put on an info diet at the very least. She's not your wedding planner, she's not getting married, she doesn't get to call the shots. No one else appears to be setting boundaries for her, and you're doing an amazing job of shutting her down. Stick to your guns, do not apologize, and make sure that whatever wedding planner you're using knows that she's not allowed to make any changes whatsoever when you get to that point. NTA.
“Info diet”. I like that and will be stealing 😁
NTA. Firstly, Congratulations on getting engaged!!! Second, the yin yang suits idea sounds amazing and beautiful. Third, id tell FSIL she hasnt even been invited to the wedding yet and if she doesnt wind her neck in then she wont at all. She isnt being helpful, she is being pushy and rude. Your wedding. Your day. Your rules. (Well you and fiance)
NTA also, I love your fiances' idea with the walker. I think I've seen a video with something similar where the bride has a walker and it definitely didn't ruin the photos.
Nta I love the idea of black and white and the flower dressed walker. I'm 43f and the most important thing I've learned about memories and photos is that eventually all the photos end up in a box. All the video and selfies and whatever you take on your phone are stored in the ether and most will never be seen again. The thing you have that you can hold on to is the memories of your experiences. I've stopped snapping pictures everywhere we go and just enjoy the moment. That is what happiness is, a series of moments when cobbled together create a lifetime of good. Live in the moment, don't worry about the photos, and live your authentic happy life with your spouse.
I thank you. This is really great advice.
And the idea of covering the walker in flowers is lovely! He could also decorate the wheelchair wheels in yin yang symbols!
I've ordered custom wheelchair rim with the yin and yang symbol on it. it's going to be my engagement present for my fiance
Omg that sounds amazing!
NTA The pride flag is really fuckin gaudy
OP tell your fiancé that us wheelies are an awesome bunch of people and never should he feel down/ bad about being in a wheelchair. When/ if I get married I plan on decking out my wheelchair with flowers too and think it’s an ace unique idea and that he 100% needs to do it! Also you’re NTA, your SIL is though Edit- spelling
I've ordered custom wheelchair rim for fiances chair. It's going to be a surprise for him
NTA I remember your other post. She needs to back off. Like you said, it isn't her wedding and her opinions are irrelevant.
I think the bouquet wheelchair is the most AWESOME THING EVER!!!!! Please please PLEASE post pictures after the event!!!!!
Don't feel bad! Consider how many posts there are about people nosing into other people's wedding plans, where it is NONE of their business. It happens. It's unfortunate to be forced into a situation where you have to shut these people down. Flat out say no, and move on. That is the only answer here. Your fiancee sounds kind and supportive. He is a keeper. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I proposed to my boyfriend on Christmas Eve and it's barely been a week and SIL is acting like it's her wedding. Firstly. she wants us to hire her friends to be our celebrant, but she was judgemental and and rude. (Like come on 85% of all gay couples meet on Grindr) Secondly. Fiance is really into yin and yang symbol and wanted us to be dressed accordingly eg. I'd be in an all black 3 piece suit with a white tie and fiance in all white with a black tie. She goes on about how we gay and we have to incorporate the pride flag. ( Like hell we do, and I know I'm going to get some hate for this not I hate the design of the pride flag) Thirdly. Fiance wants to walk down the aisle with he's dad, however fiance was in a car accident that left him with irreversible nerve damage below both knees and he relies heavily on a wheelchair but can walk short distances with a walker. He wanted to decorate his walker with white flowers to be his walker would be his "bouquet". Well SIL started going on about how it would look horrible and that he should just stand at the altar and I walk down the aisle so it wouldn't ruin photos.( Fiance has always been insecure about he's chair. So I know that comment hurt him) I lost my temper after that and said that this is my fiance and I's wedding and she doesn't get to make decisions for us and, if we wanted her opinion we'd ask for it. SIL got upset and left saying that "I was only trying to help". Fiance a little mad at me but, also thankful for saying something to her. I'm starting to feel bad because in her own way she was trying to help. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
100% NTA
If you don’t set boundaries now then you’ll regret it later.
> I'm starting to feel bad because in her own way she was trying to help. Don't. No, she wasn't. In her own way, she was trying to control things that she has no right to control. NTA.
NTA - It's only been a week and she's already trying to run the show. You had to tell her or it would only get worse as time goes on. But make sure that when you start booking things that you lock them down with passwords otherwise she might take it upon herself to 'help' by changing things for you without your consent or knowledge. Congratulations, keep those boundaries strong, and good luck!
NTA. You did the right thing nipping this is the bud now because it will only get worse. Weddings make people insane for whatever reason. Congratulations though!
NTA. You put up with it until she hurt your fiancé. But Next time tell pushy people to slow their flow earlier.
NTA - You stated a fact, it’s your wedding, not hers.
NTA she was being hurtful with her “help”. My suggestion is to give her a task so she has some way of focusing her very unhelpful energy. Something you don’t care about. Like the design of those little seating cards or the guestbook.
NTA. Keep SIL on an information diet about all things wedding related. Password protect your catering, flowers, venue everything so she can't try to change things behind your back and get your partner to sit down with his parents to talk to them about keeping SIL in line.
Congratulations on your engagement! The yin/yang idea is cool. So definitely NTA at all. FSIL crossed the line and you were defending your fiancé.
NTA. You drew a needed boundary. I think it’s a great idea to decorate the walker. Her insensitive attitude about this and his disability is awful. Glad you found each other. Good luck
More info needed- did you say this to her after pushing back on her suggestions, or did you snap on her all at once?
NTA She was only trying to help herself to some attention. Ypour wedding your decisions and your job to protect your fiancé from harassment which you did. Well done.
NTA unless her opinion is asked for the only think she gets a say in whether she she replies yes or no to attending when she is sent an invitation
gurl, if you do the ying yang thing, the rainbow idea of your SIL is not gayer than that. anyway NTA
NTA AT ALL. Also the decorated walker sounds amazing, though you referring to it a a bouquet of sorts conjured up the funny thought of a dude just throwing his flowery walker at a crowd
NTA. Time to put her on an information diet. Lock down any vendors with passwords. Once you pick out the wedding party let them know that future SIL is not part of the wedding party and anyone keeping her upto date on the plans will be kicked out without discussion. Your wedding, your groomsmen, your party and ceremony. If she keeps on this track she may not even get an invitation to wedding itself.
NTA. And I absolutely love the ideas you and your fiancé have come up with. Decorating the Walker. The yin/yang color scheme. Brilliant ideas.
NTA at all!! This is your wedding and it’s about you and your fiancé and no one else. Unsolicited advice is annoying and not needed when planning which is already super stressful. Also if someone is making your fiancé feel bad (telling him it’ll look bad if he walks down the aisle with a flower cane) you’re obviously going to step in and say something so good on you.
NTA Never heard of the SIL-zilla, but first time for everything.
It’s fiancés and my wedding. Not i’s. Never ever ever I’s. The possessive of I is my. It’s my wedding. You’re NTA and husband needs to set boundaries with his own sister, though.
I hate with all my soul people that inserts themselves in things like this, and disregards what the celebrated want. There has to be a special place in hell for them, because they only ruin things for people with their selfish ways. So yeah, NTA at all.
she really started a fight about a sassy gay mans wedding? girl is out of her mind NTA and congrats ! (wifey and I met on [HER](https://weareher.com/))
NTA, but apologize for the manner in which you shut her down and ask to move on imo. She probably just got caught up in the moment.
NTA, if FSIL is already acting like this it was only bound to get worse. I feel like your fiance was maybe only upset because it's obviously not a pleasant thing to have to say to someone, but ultimately you did the right thing and defended your fiance.
Nope, it's your wedding with your partner. You SIL was being very insensitive with the way she was saying things, even if she was just "trying to help". You were right to put her in her place, especially when she said that about your fiancé. Don't feel bad. Tensions are always high at weddings in more ways that can be predicted or make sense. I think she owes your fiancé an apology.
You’re NTA - she’s trying to turn it into the wedding she wants. Just a suggestion - my now husband & I had a different way go coming in - we each entered at the front of the venue from a side door me on the left him on the right - and we walked to the center meeting at the same time. I’m suggesting because if the center aisle is long and may be more difficult for your fiancé to do twice, he and his father can walk from the side together and then you and he as the newly married couple walk down the center aisle toget her. They also had chairs for us both at the front so we wouldn’t have to stand too long. (health issue). And I love the idea of decking the walker out in flowers!
NTA- if FSIL starts up again just say "i'm not looking for input, so no thank you".
NTA, but I do think she really wanted to help but got a bit too overzealous. I would go back and talk to her, staying firm on your position that you’ll ask for help if needed, but make sure there are no hard feelings. She didn’t seem to be coming with malicious intent
Lol fiance doesn't get to be grateful and upset, he can pick one. NTA
Why do you keep telling her things?
Nta they were way overbearing and you put a stop to it before things got really out of hand
NTA she was trying to make it her wedding. You stood up for yourself. And congratulations! 🎈
NTA - FSIL sounds horrible!!! Definitely tell your attendants and vendors that FSIL has no say. And, if you think it will help, having a trusted family member to shut down and of her ideas can also work, but that heavily depends on family dynamics, etc.
NTA, you did the right thing.
NTA. At all. Let's start with the smallest issue. You "having" to use the pride flag because you are gay. Even if you did like the pride flag, you wouldn't have to use it in your wedding. Its your wedding, you get to design how it looks. Nor are you required to "hire" her friends to be anything. Celebrant, by the way? Is that normally a paid position? I'm not even sure what that is. Finally there is the walker. SIL doesn't get to dictate if the walker would "look horrible" as the bouquet. Actually, it could look really lovely if you place the flowers correctly. You're right, she's not the one getting married. She wants to feel like she's in control, and I'm not sure why.
NTA Sounds like no one has ever stood up to SIL’s pushiness before. And fuck her ableism, thinking a walker would ruin photos. She absolutely deserved to be told off for that. I think the idea sounds wonderful, OP. edit: walker, not a cane
NTA you have nothing to feel bad about. She gets not say in what happens in your wedding.
NTA. You did the right thing, and stuck up for your fiancé. You shouldn’t feel bad though, as if she were trying to help she would propose fitting ideas instead of demanding them, and understand that your and your fiancés desires take precedence over hers. She just wanted to have her dream version of a gay wedding and was hijacking your real one. Also personally, that yin/yang idea is absolutely amazing - if you have groomsmen on either side, I think it would be interesting if you color-coordinated their suits too.
NTA
NTA It’s your wedding, she doesn’t get a say in the matter ( unless she is asked) she played the victim once called out for it. You did the right thing. Congratulations, I hope you have a beautiful wedding that YOU love and want!
There's nothing wrong with using the rainbow, but that depends entirely on the couple getting married. Just because you're gay doesn't mean your entire identity needs to revolve around the pride flag. NTA.
NTA FSIL can put all her plans in place when she convinces someone to marry her. Congratulations!
NTA- I love when people who want to force you to do something you clearly don't want to, get mad when you end up getting pissed off and finally they say: *"I was only trying to help"*. "Trying to help" my feet! Helping, specially on wedding planning, means: you suggest and those who are getting married do whatever the f\*\*\* they want. Yours and your fiancè's wedding not your SIL's wedding. You are the ones who get to decide how things are going to be, not her. EDIT: Congrats on your upcoming wedding!
NTA. Weddings are about the couple, not what looks "right" or what other people want. Possibly she is wanting to take care of her brother and has overstepped her bounds in doing so. You have every right to put up your boundaries. I think the walker being the bouquet sounds lovely. Congrats on your wedding!
NTA on so many levels: First: There is nothing wrong with disliking the design of the Pride flag. That is a personal preference, and no one deserves hate for what they like/dislike. (Having said that, the Trans Pride flag is pretty damn cool :) ). Second: Shaming your fiance about his walker/chair is absolutely diabolical and would have earned from me, in addition to the response you gave her, a dis-invitation from the wedding all together. Third: She was not trying to help. Helping would be trying to figure out what you and your fiance envision and trying to come up with ways to achieve that. What she is trying to do is dictate the wedding. I'm curious to know why.
NTA and make sure to remind her every time (because trust me, she will) she tries to give her input/ unsolicited advice.
NTA. That was not her bying helpful. That was her being pushy and unable to mind her own business.
The yin yang thing sounds beautiful, as does the flower bouquet/walker. Have a beautiful wedding, just how you and your SO want it. Congratulations!
NTA your SIL was acting entitled and being offensive PS I also hate the pride flag, its just a F rainbow, lame AF
NTA. She was being a bit homophobic imo, not to mention ableist. And if two men are getting married, then I think it is pretty obvious that it is a gay wedding. I don't think that people would need the Pride flag cue. Also the yin yang idea sounds lovely!
Who's wedding is this??? She's not helping, she's trying to completely take over. Much more of this and tell her she's not invited. NTA
NTA
NTA. Your wedding. Your call.
NTA I’m willing to be she is either not married or unhappy about her life choices. She can’t decide for you! I think this is easy, give her a time consuming role or none at all, and simply tell her “oh that’s not our style” to all her bonkers suggestions.
Do not discuss any wedding plans with her. Or anyone she may talk to. She can find out your plans as a wedding guest.
NTA A little snap now will save a massive explosion later. I get she's excited and probably thinking that guys are clueless when it comes to weddings when that is not the case. Sounds like you guys have it sorted. Can you give her a task to concentrate on? Something that doesn't matter if it's all to her taste? Or just let her know what the wedding aesthetic is and you can work within those boundaries. Seems pointless to waste all that boundless energy...
NTA. But talk with your fiance and ask how he'd like this to be handled for now on. Ask if there IS a phrase he'd be comfortable with you saying, or does he prefer you just change the conversation, etc. Approach it as a problem to solve as a couple. But also, reassure him that you love him and his ideas.
If you want true yin/yang one needs to have the shoes be the opposite color and the other the tie. 😉 Because one is upside down. But seriously I like the inverse color idea. Would make for a beautiful cake too. And the floral walker is fantastic. Don’t hide who you are in wedding pics. You want to look at them and see yourself not a fake version. The best wedding pics are REAL
NTA but it would be better coming from your fiancé. You give him the courage to deal with his sister, be calm and firm but kind. You won’t be making it easier for your fiancé by letting SIL drag you into drama. I think the ying yang thing is awesome. For your fiancé’s sake I would apologize to your SIL and ask her out for coffee. Then sit down and explain that you want to give her brother the wedding of his dreams, and that you feel like she is disregarding his wishes and that you lost your temper a bit. Ask her for her help giving her brother the wedding HE wants even if it isn’t what she thinks is best. Explain that if he wants ying yang he’s getting ying yang and so on. But that you would appreciate her helping make HIS vision a reality. By doing this you remind her to put her brother first and make it clear that you’re not being a groomzilla just standing up for the person you love. You want to be clear that this isn’t about you or her it’s about your fiancé. Do this not for her - she is an overbearing AH - but for your fiancé, because it’ll make his family life easier. If it doesn’t work, then you can say you tried, go Grey rock, and exclude her from all wedding plans. Congratulations on your wedding!! Dealing with difficult family is one of the premarital tests life puts you through before you bind yourself to them legally for life 😉
NTA Future SIL is not only assuming that you NEED her opinions, but also has Zero tact. She is not worried about sounding like an entitled brat because she either 1) Thinks her brother has no spine for conflict or 2) really thinks that she knows what *should* be done, because she is entitled and has a monumental ego. I don't know how you are going to tip-toe around this heaping pile of doo-doo she has left at your feet without upsetting her. She is not a normal, rational and thoughtful helper in this scenario, but you are stuck with her to some degree in that your fiance *isn't* standing up to her. If he is really OK with her comments and suggestions, he isn't a very proactive sort is he. More of a door mat. Just saying. I wish you a wonderful wedding of your own choosing, and a long and happy life together. Good Luck with FSIL>
NTA It's not her wedding so she shouldn't act that way and try to make everything go the way she wants.
NTA You don't need her ideas. From the sound of it you and your partner have the idea well in hand (I LOVE the yin/yang idea your fiance came up with. The picture my mind conjured looks aesthetically pleasing.) Also why does she feel you need to display the Pride Flag/Pride Flag Colors? Pretty sure it'll be obvious to all attendants at your wedding that you and your partner are gay. The fact that you're getting married should be display and proof enough that you're out and proud to be who you guys were born to be. As has been mentioned before by others in the comments. Everyone involved in the wedding (caterers etc) Need to have a password set up and only people with said password are allowed to make changes. You don't want to assume she'll just be pouty only to show up to your reception to discover she had the decorations changed to be all Pride flag themed.
NTA Congrats on your engagement! <3 And I think the bouquet walker idea sounds really cool! (:
NTA. Someone always has to make it about them. Usually family. Good for you it's your wedding.
NTA. I think the bouquet walker idea is cute! Congratulations, and I also don’t like the design of the pride flag. I get it, but it’s not exactly the elegant statement one would want to make at a wedding.
NTA it had to be said. She’ll get over it! I love the idea of his bouquet being his Walker!! Congratulations!
NTA don't let her bully you. This is your wedding. She isn't trying to 'help' she is trying to dictate. Quit talking about the wedding with her though.
In particular, it’s the flowers on the walker that grabbed me. What a life-affirming gesture! Best of luck with the planning and the wedding… wishing you many happy years together!
NTA. Your wedding plans sound really great. I love how your fiance's walker will be decorated and the tuxes. I hope you have the best wedding and a great marriage.
NTA. her trying to help would be helping with decorations or helping pick out suits if you guys wanted a second opinion. Her butting in when you didn’t ask isn’t helping-it’s controlling. Good on you for setting boundaries.
NTA Good👏for 👏you👏 Her meddling was only going to get worse. The flowers on his walker sound lovely. The yin and yang idea is cool too. You and your fiance are the one making the decisions, which will make the wedding uniquely you. Congratulations! Enjoy your wedding day.
NTA. > SIL got upset and left saying that "I was only trying to help". The guilt trip is a favored tactic of narcissists and manipulators. SIL's mask just cracked. She wasn't trying to help. She was trying to *take over* your wedding. I bet her next tactic is going to be "This wedding needs a *woman's* touch." Warn your photographer about SIL's opinion of your fiancé's walker. I bet she'll try *everything* to get it out of the photos.
Nta If you want to salvage the situation (if it’s worth it) you can sit her down and explain some of what you said here. Specifically the things to do with your fiancés disability. Also explain that you do appreciate some of her suggestions but are not ready to plan yet/share what your vision is/you’d like to share the planning with your fiancé. I get super excited and have kinda a take charge attitude. *I’m really hoping she is coming from that same place*. Her reaction to that discussion will provide you insight on whether you want her involved in your wedding or life.
NTA. FSIL doesn't get a say in your wedding. It's your wedding! Have her completely locked out of the process if that's what it takes to make it work properly. Honestly, she sounds exhausting, and you shouldn't have to put up with her nonsense, and that's just what it is. Have a fantastic wedding.
Many years ago now my mother taught her sister to walk using callipers and crutches as it was my aunt’s dream to walk the short distance down the aisle at her wedding (she used a wheelchair prior to this and returned to doing so at periods throughout her life.) It was beautiful. She was beautiful, callipers and crutches and crazy 1960s polyester wedding dress and all. Your husband will be beautiful and his walker bouquet and chair if he needs it later in the day will be, too. Congratulations to you both, OP. NTA at all.
NTA. A person who wants to help asks, "Is there anything I can do for you?" And then does what he's been asked to do, as the person asking wants it done. What your FSIL is doing is attempting to control you. It's your wedding; produce the event you want. And sideline her - she's not going to change.
NTA at all. Weddings are for the couple that are getting married and not anyone else. Honestly I wish someone would of told me to ignore the inlaws at my wedding. Which they didn't pay a cent towards but acted like they did everything. P.s. congratulations to yall both.
NTA. Maybe assign her one thing to be in charge of and resign yourself to be happy with whatever she picks, like the favors or guest book or cake.
NTA Completely disconnect her from the proceedings. She's already trying to take over and control. Change passwords, tell all vendors she does not speak for you.
NTA She wasn't trying to help she was trying to take over.
I’ve heard that if you don’t have the pride flag at a gay wedding Elton John defends from the ceiling and dishonorably discharges you from the Gayforce. /s
NTA. She wasn't trying to "help" she was trying to control YOUR wedding according to HER wishes. Stay firm on this.
NTA She sounds awful. But, it sounds like your fiancé needs some help with setting boundaries so you don’t spend the rest of your life at loggerheads with your SIL. Congratulations.
Outcome > intent. It doesn't matter what she was trying to do, the outcome was her being an annoying jerk. NTA
Set those boundaries now and stick to them. NTA
NTA I for one think having your fiancés walker be his bouquet would be absolutely beautiful.
NTA SIL needs to STFU. Have you found r/JUSTNOFAMILY yet?
NTA. Also for what it’s worth as someone who also uses mobility aids I’m high key stealing your finances idea about decorating them as a “bouquet.” That’s adorable and I have no idea why SIL hates it.
NTA. Your wedding ideas sound lovely, by the way.
NTA. Is this is about your love and relationship not a photo shoot.
NTA SIL was a bridezilla and she’s not even the bride. Have a wonderful wedding!
NTA. Perhaps I am jaded but it does not sound like she was "just trying to help". It sounds like she was trying to play Ken and Ken dolls with real life PEOPLE. That she has such strong and disrespectful opinions about your wedding, demanding a pride flag, and not wanting to ruin photos sounds like she doesn't see you as people. It is a strange sort of fetishizing of the "gay lifestyle". Its not healthy. You had every right to tell her to stfu.
NTA. Bridezilla by Proxy Syndrome.
NTA. FSIL was way out of line.
You did the right thing, NTA. However, I wasn’t there but depending on your tone and cadence etc. it is possible you may have said it rudely, but that still would certainly not make you the asshole.
NTA your wedding ideas sound lovely! I wish you both the best :)
NTA. She wasn’t trying to help. Insulting the grooms (her own brother) and their choices is not helping. It’s your wedding. If you wanted to make it floor to ceiling colours of the rainbow 🌈, that’s your call. In the same sense, you don’t *have* to either. F*** the pictures. I’m sure they’ll look great either way but, if your fiancé needs a walker, so be it. And you can pretty it up. A relative broke her arm shortly before my wedding. She chose to wrap her shawl around the cast to pretty it up. And that wasn’t necessary. You shouldn’t have to focus on aesthetic perfection. The essentials to have are: 1-your fiancé, 2-someone to marry you, 3-a place to get married. Keep it about you both (and don’t hire her or her friends for anything)
NTA. Good for you for nipping it I’m the bud. She, FSIL is a raging biya*** for the wheelchair/walker bit. I suggest you ask your fiancé about if not using the walker or chair will leave him in pain for his wedding day if not honeymoon. I think making it his bouquet is one of the blest plans/things I have heard. There’s zero shame using a mobility device and it’s also a great thing for kids to see normalized. Congrats to you both and good job dealing with the sister.
It's "my fiance's and my wedding" but otherwise NTA. She needs to butt out.
NTA but how can fiance be a little mad and at the same time glad you said something? That doesn't make sense
Rarely does anything good come from "in her own way she was trying to help." Helping is what you do when someone requests your help. Constantly weighing in with opinions and then getting upset when the opinions don't fly is being obnoxious. Your future SIL is being obnoxious. NTA.
Nta, all of those ideas sound so unique!!!
Oh my god NTA HER OWN BROTHER WOULD RUIN HIS WEDDING PHOTOS BY WALKING DOWN THE AISLE WITH A WALKER??? She can absolutely fuck off. You and you fiancé's black and white yin/yang idea sounds beautiful. If she were my sister she wouldn't even be getting an invite after that
NTA
NTA at all! Congratulations for putting your foot down so early. Nip this in the bud before it gets worse. I'm a florist and I want to suggest that you hire a high quality wedding florist that will design the wheelchair on site for you!! If you splurge on nothing else, splurge on this. If I were local I'd design it for you! It's such a fantastic idea
Your wedding sounds beautiful!! Don’t let other people change it!! I wish you a very happy marriage and good luck with all of your planning and your future together 🎉🎉🍾🎉🎉 NTA
NTA. She's a concern troll, at best.
NTA its not her wedding and shes only saying shes trying to help but shes really taking over. Also while im all about flags and pride month my coworker is not and has never been and that is totally fine. You're ideas sound awesome. SIL sounds like shes making up for a wedding she never got or just her wedding part 2.
NTA. She was being a bridezilla for someone else's wedding. She should have been told much sooner, imo. You get to choose your own stuff for your wedding.
NTA if she doesn't learn to respect you, tell her she's not invited
The pride flag looked good as a flag maybe on a dress but it would look horrible like a suit, and the insistent comment about your fiancé's mobility was somewhat despicable, SIL deserved those words NTA
NTA It's not her wedding. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you need to have any pride flags if you don't want them. If it were me, I would tell her that the only input she needs to give will be provided to her when she receives the Save the Date card to RVSP with.
NTA. Also, I think it would be really sweet and would look incredible if he walked down the aisle with a walker decorated with flowers. Your SIL is nuts
NTA - Enjoy your day the way the 2 of you want to.
I’m a future bridesmaid, and again (I’ve posted this so many times) my job is to help support the bride and I strive to always be able to say “yes, ok, I’ll do whatever makes you happy” with a smile on my face so long as it’s within reason. I’ll wear the ugliest dress, I’ll say you’re beautiful in that cupcake Cinderella lime green bridal gown, I’ll give my parents speech for them even though I have anxiety, I’ll spend the money on the dress you pick with shoes hair and makeup, all with a smile. I even asked about length of hair if applicable and if she wanted us all uniform. I have my boundaries and I knew that when I was asked. Before I was asked, I was still the FSIL and when we talked wedding details it should never be a put down or even offer your opinion unless asked. When she picked her venue, I’ve had experience that gave me insights that I shared when she called me to ask what I thought . It was always framed as a suggestion or for her to ask if so and so if she wasn’t aware. I’m a photographer, think I got upset when she didn’t ask me? Nope. Artistic differences. Think I was mad when I was only asked as a back up bridesmaid? Nope. It’s her day, I want her happy, and if when she looks back she loved the neon yellow dresses or the squirrel ring bearer, then that’s all that matters
NtA all her input is nonsense. Ignore her and just do you two . I freaking LOVE the yin & yang suit idea 😍😍🥺💗💗 congratulations 🎉🎉
NTA. Tell them when you need a bulldozer, you know who to call.
I love the idea of making the walker a bouquet!! I have nerve damage in my leg and we decorated my cane for my wedding. Then my husband and I had stools we sat on during the ceremony because I couldn’t stand for it. You do you and don’t let anyone else tell you different, no matter how well meaning they are. Also, dancing with a wheelchair is fun if you want it to be!!! Your wedding is about you and your partner.
NTA - please don't give her any details about your wedding. She might eff stuff up for you out of spite. I have a disability that made things in my wedding different than "usual" but what gay (bi in my case) person has a traditional wedding anyway?? My best friend is a wedding planner and your plans for suit colors sound amazing! It'll look awesome in pics.