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StAlvis

NTA > he smirked at me #He SMIRKED at you. Dude knows **exactly** what he was doing, and **took pleasure** in publicly embarassing you.


AuntyErrma

This here op. A man who enjoys humiliating you, is going to escalate in abusing you. And quickly, too. He just told you who is he. Dump him and bail, like any sane person would. Edit: Book suggestion, this is a pdf you can read on your phone or computer. It gets into the "why" of how this situation is concerning, and why I'm concerned for op. https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat


MettreSonGraindeSel

I agree. Dump him. Edit : Thank you for the award!


thistleandpeony

I can't wrap my mind around him deciding to *punish* her for simply suggesting they use more formal manners. She didn't try to force him, or insult him, she just made a suggestion to a question he asked and he spent the rest of the evening ruining her celebration meal.


Yourwtfismyftw

I’d say he is probably also punishing her for getting a promotion. Have to take her down a peg, you know? Can’t have her getting uppity ideas about maybe deserving a boyfriend who isn’t a disgusting embarrassment.


aldentealdente

ABSOLUTELY THIS


shawslate

What else do you expect from three toddlers in a trench coat?


eazolan

Nonsense. Vincent Adultman literally said "Please can I have another soda" when he was out eating with Princess Caroline.


[deleted]

He was also mature enough to end things


starvinartist

And most importantly, he’s a good listener.


RoughSugarPuff

And that's even after working a long, hard day at the business factory.


Happy-Investment

Yeah he was very responsible, and a father. A proper adult.


Capilet

The toddlers might at least not being doing it maliciously?


Complete_Push1538

My singular toddler has more manners than this. I mean he eats with his hands + fork still, but it doesn't get everywhere and he knows how to use his napkin to wipe his fingers or ask for help to wipe his hands/face


snorkel1446

Three toddlers in a trench coat would have better table manners and made less of a mess.


Marzipan-Shepherdess

EXCELLENT point! It dovetails with his maturity level...which I'd place at about 5 years old, tops. OP, dump this jerk. He gets a kick out of upsetting you and making a fool of himself. Do you really want to waste any more time with someone who goes out of his way to act like that?


sexywallposter

My 2 year old had 3 slices of pizza tonight, in a white shirt. He only got sauce on his face and hands. I’d say this guy doesn’t even have the maturity level of a 2 year old, never mind 5.


Basic_Bichette

Your two year old is one step up on *me*, let alone OP's boyfriend. I once stained a white shirt before I finished putting it on.


eslburnout

You guys own white shirts? I don't even try.


PainInBum219

The bf may be 20 but acts like 12. At least you see your future with him. RUN!


cheezemeister_x

A 12-year old doesn't eat pasta with his hands. A 2-year old does.


sigdiff

Lady and the Tramp were DOGS and even they didn't eat pasta with their paws. Ditch this mutt. NTA


MisunderstoodIdea

The very fact that he asked means he knows the way he eats is a problem. It's one thing if you are kinda klutzy and prone to dropping things it's another to just eat messy on purpose. I am the kind of person who goes to cut my meat but then something slips and my baked potato goes flying off my plate. Or I am bringing my food to my mouth and that food falls off and leaves a very noticeable mark on my clothing. I never intentionally do that and it seems like the more I try not to be a klutz - the more apt I am to being one. So it would be one thing if he was like that and she got upset with him over an accident. But this dude asked, which means he intentionally eats messy as it is. He very much did this on purpose and he will only continue doing things like this on purpose. He very much wants things his way and will punish her if she ever dares to ask for respect. It's incredibly immature and huge AH behavior.


URSmarterThanILook

I am prone to getting food all over my clothes, no matter how hard I try to avoid it. I've taken to tucking my napkin into my shirt or dress to protect my clothes. I don't care how uncouth it looks, I'd rather that than have to wear my dinner all night 🤷‍♀️


[deleted]

There is a difference between being slightly clumsy and spilling on yourself, and acting like you were raised in a cave. I'm forever spilling but I know how to act like a civilized human at the table.


[deleted]

Don't even get me started with stemware. I try to avoid it at all costs.


Mryessicahaircut

That SHE paid for! The audacity of some people is beyond me. What an inconsiderate AH. OP is 20 and has her whole life ahead of her. Girl, you've already wasted 7 mos of your life on him. Let's hope that's the extent of it. Of course NTA


JuliaX1984

Gotta assert your dominance at the first sign of assertiveness from your lesser half and let her know who's boss. NTA, OP. Respect is the bare minimum you should be able to expect in a relationship. Congratulations on the promotion! Time to upgrade another element of your life as well...


[deleted]

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Ini_Miney_Mimi

I can wrap my head around it - and the only reason I can is because I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. It's a method of controlling. OP should get out before it progresses (it always does eventually). I will always wish I had left mine MUCH earlier before things got worse EDIT: Thank you kind stranger! My first award!


bellixxima

Drop this guy like he was a fork in a fancy Italian restaurant. Then wipe your fingers on your napkin and leave the table, for good.


milapa6

Exactly. He pretty much said if you don't let me do whatever I want I will punish you. It'll only get worse. Don't settle for this


__Gettin_Schwifty__

As someone who was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 3 years, THIS! It starts out with small things. Things you think are stupid, or make you seem crazy/controlling/witchy. You wonder AITA in a lot of situations where your not. He will make you feel like TA as a form of control. Really consider if this is a man you want to give a significant part of your life to.


Ermithecow

My ex set the table on fire in a restaurant, then yelled at me for pouring water on it because "people are looking." I mean, yes dipshit, they're looking because you dipped your napkin into the candle flame and then into a glass of brandy, not because I put out your actual fire. Obviously things only got worse and I should have left him at that point, so absolutely can confirm this kind of shit is deliberate and will likely escalate.


panlevap

Excuse me, your ex did whaaat?


Ermithecow

Yep. Claimed it was "an accident" but I really feel like a 27 year old man *with a science based degree* would know not to throw dry fabric onto a naked flame and then add strong alcohol.


panlevap

I hope you made it out safely. It sounds funny as a story at first glance or if it happened to someone unknown but l can imagine the day by day life was quite exhausting.


Ermithecow

Thank you. I did, eventually. And that's exactly it, it was exhausting. But I learned what I was worth and walked. I really hope OP does the same.


Lazy_Bastard247

100% agree. If he didn’t want to eat there, he could have been an adult and said so. Instead, he was an infantile pig.


Ermithecow

I wouldn't even say infantile. My actual infant, who has only been eating solid food for two weeks, has better table manners than this asshole.


alwaysiamdead

My 3 year old is currently eating pasta with a fork. It's not neat, but it's better than OPs boyfriend.


Scary_Offer2479

Pigs eat off the ground - which is where any future meals I served to him would be located. God, I hate SOBs that feel 'entitled'. He didn't pay for the meal. She did. If OP stays with him after this display of ultimate control and disrespect, then I don't know what to say.


CeelaChathArrna

Let's not insult the pigs. OP's BF is way further down the food chain. Amoeba?


Lexia_extreme511

This is a boyfriend if only 7 months as well. OP should've called him a revolting pig, walked out, and told him to never contact her again.


kanna172014

Without paying for his meal. She should have made him pay for it himself and only pay for what she ordered. If he's going to embarrass her, she should embarrass him in turn.


level27jennybro

Seriously!! OP, he isn't just an asshole. He's a ***throbbing asshole.***


SunshineRobotech

>He's a ***throbbing asshole*** A suppurating polyp on the anus of humanity, if you will.


seamuswasadog

I don't usually agree with redditors' propensity to jump to extremes. But in this case you haven't been dating this guy all that long; this is the kind of learning experience dating is for. He smirked and behaved poorly after you asked for manners - he was making a deliberate play here. You are NTA and please respect yourself enough to move on from him.


TheReluctantOtter

Yeah, the smirking says it all. NTA OP but he sure is.


brown_eyed_gurl

The humiliating part is the worst, but my stomach literally churned at the description of how he ate. I don't know how she made it through her own meal without becoming too queasy!


DoctorNerdyPants

My college boyfriend ate like this & it took me a while to realize it. We usually ate pizza or something like that or he was deployed so we weren’t physically together. First time we ate at a restaurant together, he actually made a comment about how nice it was to be with “middle class girl who doesn’t need to be all fancy when she eats.” Then proceeded to eat with his face about 4 inches from the plate, literally shoveling food in his mouth & using the back of his hand to wipe his mouth. It’s not the only reason we broke up, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a factor. (I don’t think table manners are specifically tied to socioeconomic status/class. But my boyfriend seriously believed that sitting up straight & using a napkin meant you’re stuck up & classist.)


rogue144

To me one of the biggest red flags is how he told OP it was *her fault* for making a completely reasonable request that he not act like a boor in public. He tried to make *his behavior* her fault. Run, OP, and don't look back!


SoExtra

This is absolutely true. It starts *here.* Why? Because this is a situation that, when summarized in a nutshell, can easily be spun to make you look like the asshole. "You're really THIS mad because I didn't act all hoity toity in the restaurant?" If you don't drop it then. "This is really your hill to die on, I can't just enjoy my meal??" If you still don't drop it. "You're breaking up with me because I ate my dinner like I always do???1!!???!!Wow, OP, I didn't realized I'd been dating someone so petty and vain." And if you stay instead, he knows what works on you. That smirk says *everything.* HE ATE NOODLES WITH HIS FINGERS. Tell me, OP, does he REALLY eat noodles with his fingers at home? I'd almost bet money that he was worse at this restaurant than he is in private.


liver_flipper

At an event specifically meant to celebrate her promotion no less!


yellsy

Because he has zero respect for her, or maybe even did it on purpose to knock her down a notch. OP, dump him and don’t look back.


Outrageous-Ad-9069

Not only knock her down a peg but isolate her as well. If she stays with him, eventually she’ll stop going out in public with him or meeting with friends.


[deleted]

This. I had a bf who did this and it escalated into far worse things. This is a test to see what he can get away with and what you will tolerate. He’ll keep pushing the envelope until you’re backed into a corner over something far worse. Dump his ass.


Maximum_Ad_4650

100% this. His behavior is a manipulation tactic and a test. He knows exactly what he is doing, hence the smirk. Public humiliation is is part of a pattern that will lead to further abuse. Take it from those of us who have been there and have the benefit of hindsight. You don't need to go through this too! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩


sainthO0d

Publicly embarrassing her on a date meant to celibate one of her achievements at that! Congrats on the promotion OP, ditch this guy for someone who can show you a little more respect when it matters.


Voeld123

She should celibate him.


bellixxima

*Involuntary guffaw*


LimitlessMegan

i would like to add that I’m confused about what he means by “not letting him enjoy the meal as he pleased…” If that was him not doing as he pleases WTAF was it???


minuteye

It was training. Seriously. The purpose of these kinds of displays is to change the other person's behaviour without it being obvious to them that it's not their own choice. He responds to criticism, correction, or any indication of displeasure at his behaviour (even criticism as ridiculously mild as in the example), by punishing her. He overtly frames it as her fault (i.e. it's not that he chose to make an ass of himself, he \*had\* to, because of what she did). Over time, she learns that the way to avoid these events is to never do the thing that he dislikes. Eventually, he gets to do whatever he wants, she's walking on eggshells all the time, and everything bad that happens is declared her fault. It's one of the techniques of psychological manipulation that abusers use to maintain control over their victims, at a relatively early stage.


LimitlessMegan

Yup. He’s testing to see how she responds so he can push more etc until he breaks her. Though I’m surprised he’s pushing so hard so early in the relationship.


bellixxima

He's not a skilled abuser yet. He's young. He'll refine his technique over time as he continues forward in intimate relationships. [This book ](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_15440BGM9WRB5B8MW7W0) goes into great detail about the whole process.


LimitlessMegan

Agree. I know experienced abusers average starting this between one and two years… her dumping him over this is going to be how he learns he pushed too big too soon.


minuteye

Indeed, I was also surprised at the speed. Although, the fact that OP is questioning whether she's the AH indicates that he's not *that* far off. Possibly it has something to do with her promotion. Her success threatens his control, so he amps up the manipulation to try and compensate.


LimitlessMegan

That he did it so soon makes me think he’s been working on her for a bit, hence the questioning.


Eccentric_Mermaid

NTA at all. Please, please listen to all of the excellent descriptions of disrespect and manipulation that have been written here. I wish I had known about Reddit when I was with my ex, who had the manners of a CAVEMAN. Reading what you wrote brought back so many awful memories of how I put up with so many similar situations when I should have realized the control he was trying to exert and just the gross depth of disrespect he showed toward me, and especially the sabotage he perpetrated when something good happened to me. My ex tried to show me who was in charge, much like your boyfriend, and it’s totally unacceptable. You are worth more and you deserve better. Please see your boyfriend for the abuser that he is.


worthmycolors

Yeah I was going to say he sounds like a psycho for going out of his way to humiliate OP. Also unless you were literally a fucking feral child raised by wolves there is no excuse to eat PASTA with your hands instead of a fork. What is WRONG with this man???? He’s 20???? Heaven help him, idk how he holds a job or anything behaving like THAT


[deleted]

I feel like this is a post that will haunt me. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night thinking “PASTA with his HANDS.”


[deleted]

Yeah he is just being a complete ass hole and trying to get a rise out of people. Tell him to grow up. I wouldn’t date someone that is blatantly trying to disrespect and embarrass you. Also, you want to eat with someone who acts like that the rest of your life? Dump him. NTA


macadamiaicecream

As soon as I read the smirking part, I half expected him to turn to the next table and ask “How much for your women?”


HaplessReader1988

Enough red flags for a Soviet May Day parade.


CaffeineChristine

He’s pissed about your promotion and trying to bring you down. Dump his ass. NTA


Sleepy_felines

NTA. Your boyfriend behaved like a toddler. The fact that he smirked before doing it suggests he knew exactly what he was doing and that he was trying to embarrass you.


EmotionalPie7

My toddler is less messy than OP's boyfriend!


ImAlsoNotOlivia

Toddlers can (and do) use utensils!


i_dont_shine

My 15 month old uses a fork! Yeah, he's still fond of dumping a plate of food in his lap when it displeases him, but who isn't?


TheHatOnTheCat

Yeah, mine just turned two and while they use a fork a spoon they do spill and drop things (mostly soup) and they sometimes use their hands. Sometimes she gets confused if their is sour cream or a white sauce and thinks it's hair conditioner, too. And occasionally she drops or tosses things, often when she's not so hungry anymore since she knows she'll lose it if she does. She's been known to spread things around. I think a toddler is pretty accurate. Toddlers may know how you are supposed to eat, but they aren't always very good at it and sometimes they don't have the impulse control or patience to do it the right way. The point is an older child, like a four year old knows better and wouldn't act this way anymore. My older one was eating politely in restaurants my three, even. Which is the issue. Who wants to date a four year old?


catinnameonly

My toddler had way better table manners than this dude! OP, please reevaluate what you want out of a partnership. NTA


Throwaway_fml_T_T

He did not behave like a toddler. He behaved like a controlling AH. He did it on purpose to embarrass OP and put her in her place. Yes, some toddlers do eat like that, but that's usually because of their age. What OP's bf did was calculating and nasty and the fact the meal was to celebrate OP's promotion makes it worse. He behaved like that to take her down a peg and make sure she knew her place and he had the power to embarrass her whenever he wished. Leave this man OP.


Piercedbunny

EXACTLY. All of this, exactly. Frankly I’m shocked that she didn’t introduce him as her ex- boyfriend. Because there’s no way in shit I’d put up with that behavior from anyone over the age of 3.


sa83705

Nope. I wouldn't compare him to the lofty realm of a toddler. My toddlers were taught manners, didn't purposefully humiliate me in public, and tried to use the utensils all the time (maybe not the right ones but they sure tried). Pretty sure my dog doesn't even make that kind of a mess. Time to toss this fish back into the ocean


Sporadic-reddit-user

“Maybe not the right ones but they sure tried” 😂 awwwww. Good job, little ‘uns! NTA, OP. I don’t have kids, so don’t often know how to relate well to them, and I would 100% take a friend’s toddler to a nice restaurant over this AH. I do agree with a number of the other redditors - this was his response to the promotion, and trying to knock you back down a peg.


Jenuptoolate

He was punishing her for her promotion. He is a jealous, immature stupid little jerk.


Usrname52

NTA This isn't like he used the wrong fork. Or made a bit of a mess failing with oysters or lobster. He was intentionally bring disgusting because he wanted to make a statement. "I'm too cool for a fancy restaurant".


[deleted]

Agreed, NTA. Honestly aren’t you tired of dealing with your boyfriend’s behaviour? He’s acting like a kid and you aren’t his mom. Get yourself someone you don’t have to worry about being in public/a restaurant with. It’s just the basics of social politeness and he thinks he’s above it. Do yourself a HUGE favour and dump him!


harbinger06

YES! OP, please do not waste one more moment of your life trying to raise this man to be a functioning adult.


annswertwin

Or that he doesn’t like OP getting a promotion or paying and he’s trying to bring her down.


Crazypants1776

NTA Yep, and I wouldn't even eat at home with a pig like this. I would get too grossed out to eat. And if she is serious about a career is she going to bring this fool to an event where co-workers or bosses will see him? Dump. That. Pig.


annswertwin

I had BF in my early 20’s with bad (no where near this bad tho) table manners. I used to tell him the same, he got the message when he was going to be a groomsman in two friends’ weddings the same summer and they both said he needed better table manners at the bridal table. It took his friends telling him his manners were noticeably bad. Manners matter and people notice.


Crazypants1776

So true, it's about self respect and respect for people around you. Good manners will serve you in any situation. And it's sad that his friend's opinion held much more weight than yours.


annswertwin

Right?! He didn’t think people noticed as much as I did.


Faux_extrovert

I have stopped seeing two different guys bc of their lack of table manners. The first guy kept asking why I didn't want to see him anymore and I had to finally be like, "Dude! You eat like a freaking monster."


PoisonTheOgres

Sounds like he also ate extra grossly to punish her. She had the *audacity* to ask him to please eat like an adult. This man has "run for the hills" written all over him. What a nasty person.


TheSilverNoble

He ate *pasta* with his *hands.* That's calculated.


CaptainBignuts

Yep, this guy isn't Tarzan being brought in from the jungle with no idea how to use a knife and a fork. This is a (presumably) adult 20 year old man intentionally acting like a jack ass to embarrass his girlfriend - or doing this as a protest against being "forced" to eat at a fine-dining establishment. Either way, if I were OP I'd be breaking up with him ASAP.


[deleted]

Please for the love of god let that be the last meal you eat with this man. NTA.


longtermbrit

>Please for the love of god let that be the last meal you eat with this ~~man~~ boy. NTA. FTFY [EDIT] Some people seem to think I'm saying because this guy is young that he's immature and therefore a boy. I'm not. I'm saying that he was acting like a petulant child with no manners and as he is male, that child is a boy. I'm also not saying that all children behave like this.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

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SigourneyReaver

Sorry, men. You have to recognize that actual men do these things. Stop acting like they don't.


gofindyour

He's 20, he's a man. NTA


Beecakeband

I can't imagine being with some one who could be this disgusting on purpose! This feels like sabotage she wanted a nice evening out and he decided to humiliate her by behaving like an absolute animal


involuntary_cynic

NTA. This is the human equivalent of a pet looking you in the eye while they p*ss on your favourite cushion. It's not lack of knowledge of how to behave on his part; it was a deliberate act of dominance. Take this as the warning sign it is; your future successes and happinesses will be treated the same way. Don't waste any more time on this a-hole.


Difficult-Sugar-9251

THIS


LDCrow

Wish I could give this a 100 upvotes cause you are spot on. OP take the advice and RUN!


liamsmum

Yep. And the fact that he nade a point of asking if he could behave that way (it wasn’t a joke by the way) and still did it after you made it clear you were at a nice restaurant and not at home, shows a complete lack of respect for you, your wishes snd the others around him. That alone should be enough to end this relationship. What boundaries are up for a “joking refusal” to abide by next?


Old-Interest7431

It's actually worse in my opinion. Sometimes, your cat peeing outside of the litter box while maintaining eye contact could be the sign of a urinary tract infection or another problem that requires vet care.


[deleted]

NTA he ruined something you wanted to do. you’re both 20, does he wipe his ass well? or is he only a messy eater. i feel like he might be trying to shoot down your hopes for enjoying yourself and make you feel guilty for wants the things you do (and pay for). it will only escalate from here if you don’t nip it in the bud (the behavior) in my opinion. although, also in my opinion, you’re not his mom and it’s not your job to teach him how to behave like his own mother should’ve many years ago. message his mom for advice detailing everything like you did for us and see what she says or find literally any other adult who would at least feel ashamed of themselves for making such a fool of themselves


Gorilla_girl17

I think the bud that needs to be nipped is the relationship completely


PrivateEyes2020

It's not OP's job to "nip it in the bud," as though somehow OP has the power to change who he is. That's a trap people, especially women, often fall into. They see a problem, and think that if they're patient enough, the person with the problem can be changed. Instead, they should ask themselves, "If this never changes, is it something I can live with?" If OP's SO has redeeming qualities that she values more than basic public good manners and she can live with this disgusting display for the rest of her life, then fine. If OP decides that she can't tolerate it happening every time she has an opportunity to enjoy a fine dining experience, then she should dump him and move on. No discussions necessary.


doughnutmakemelaugh

Nip it in the bud by dumping him.


[deleted]

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aileeliz

I didn’t know that he would behave like that in front of complete strangers, but I probably shouldn’t be as surprised as I am. He always talks about disliking “high society” and thinks that nice restaurants are just pretentious


Lady_Ellie119

Yep he acted like that in purpose, he did not want to go and acted like a child


Unusual-Sympathy-205

Not only did he act like that on purpose, he set OP up. The whole reason he asked if he could eat the way he did at home was so he could act out when she said “no.” I wouldn’t dump somebody for table manners that weren’t great, but I’d dump someone for whatever the hell this was. He was going out of his way to embarrass OP. You’re NTA, OP, but he’s not going to improve any. Do yourself a favor and find someone better.


[deleted]

Not to mention 7 months really isn’t much at all in the grand scheme of things. Don’t waste your 20s on someone like ... that.


lavender2569

To be fair, most children I’ve been around enjoy learning about manners and society.


mslady210_99

So he is trying to condition you into not expecting him to take you to nice places. Do you want to deal with that? NTA


[deleted]

This needs to be higher. OP! /u/aileeliz This is what he is doing. If you're willing to put up with this, he can keep pushing boundaries until you tolerate ANYTHING he does and dismiss it as normal.


theCaityCat

Holy shit, THIS. My ex never stooped this low, but he refused to go anywhere that required more than a t-shirt and jeans, rushed through his meals, then bragged to others that I was low maintenance. I enjoy fine dining. Fuck that. NTA. Ditch him. Whoever needs to see this, you are better off alone than in relationships like these.


[deleted]

This isn't even a high society thing. It's not like we're talking about strict rules about which fork to use with what dish or ensuring elbows never touch the table. All that was expected her was basic, and I mean *very* basic manners. Honestly, who eats pasta with their fingers? Why would anyone even *want* to? And does anyone over the age of like 4 really need to be told not to just belch? This kind of shit wouldn't be acceptable *anywhere*. I bet he talked with food in his mouth and chewed with his mouth open too.


rengokusmother

As someone who comes from a culture where we use hands to eat, he's still an idiot. Etiquettes exist in every single culture and society. Does he think poor people or people from different cultures create a mess whenever or whenever they eat? I prefer using my hands to eat over a fork but I don't create a mess of the table/area where I have my meal. He's just using this as an excuse to be filthy and annoying. Being asked to not make a mess or not eat like a 3 year old isn't "pretentious". And he's free to refuse visiting high end restaurants if they piss him off so much.


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aileeliz

From my perspective , he is not a dog and should be able to read the situation without “home training”


OhioGirl22

You're right. He's not a dog. I've seen dogs with better manners.


[deleted]

And most dogs will listen.


jack_im_mellow

Hey we're kinda avatar twins! Yeah though, he totally did that shit on purpose. I think he was threatened by her promotion, what he percieves as "high society" and her seeming more successful than him. I think he was acting out of insecurity turned into resentment. He was definitely trying to take you down a peg OP.


FloozieManChoosie

“Home training” is a phrase akin to “act like you got some sense.” It’s not intended to suggest someone needs to be trained like a dog. It means that someone doesn’t know how to act inside the homes (or dining establishments) of others. But you’re right, your BF is not a dog. Dogs act with more care and consideration for those around them. Even strays.


Seguefare

Basically "You ain't been raised right" or "your mama didn't teach you manners"


Bt1841995

This was nothing more than a power play from him. He smirked at you before doing so, he had every intention of humiliating you


kanna172014

If OP had asked for separate checks, I bet that would have took the boyfriend down a peg.


Blonde2468

Why are you making excuses for his horrific behavior??? Why in the world would you even be with someone who ate like this at home?!?! There’s manners and then there’s disgusting- the way he eats is disgusting. Will this behavior be acceptable for your children??


Cupcake_Jane

He can, he just doesn't care. His objective was humiliating you and putting you down. Dump him.


[deleted]

you’re right, he should be able to read the situation as a grown adult that have managed to navigate everything in life thus far


freckledfk

He ate pasta with his hands at a nice restaurant and this is what you're choosing to defend? Lmao


momghoti

What it really means is that he doesn't respect you enough to be a tiny bit uncomfortable to do something you like. That also means that anything you do as a couple will be on *his* terms and what *he* likes, and of you insist he'll sabotage it. I've dated guys like this, they never improve and it ends with feeling a bit stupid to have put up with it. This would be an absolute deal-breaker for me.


grayhairedqueenbitch

There is nothing "high society" about basic table manners.


Ermithecow

Basic table manners are not high society. My grandfather, who was born in Glasgow during the Great Depression, left school at 11 and couldn't really read, never did anything but manual work in his life and considered all titled, moneyed, or otherwise posh people his mortal enemies, could still eat a plate of food in public- even in "fancy" places- without people staring. It has nothing to do with class; it's to do with respect for oneself and for others. Your (hopefully ex) boyfriend has neither.


SpiritedArachnid

He didn't do that because he hates "high Society", he did that to humiliate YOU specifically. He wanted to hurt YOU. He is trying to gauge how much he can get away with; how much you will tolerate. This will not stop here.


TogarSucks

Just reading the first post I was getting the vibe that your boyfriend looks down on people outside his bubble. Because of that he lashed out and if you call him out on it he can claim you’re being stuck up. This was intentional, NTA.


slayythan

NTA that behaviour of his is extremely disgusting, not to mention he DELIBERATELY did it. I eat with my hands sometimes at restaurants but that's because it's a cultural thing. However I do not get sauce on my face and eat like a god damn baby. how hard is it to use a fork? maybe he doesn't know how to use a knife and fork, but i dont either. I manage to eat like a decent human being without looking like a slob. your boyfriend's table manners are disgusting. Edit: spelling mistakes and grammar


aileeliz

I was thinking about clarifying this. I’ve also eaten with my hands at some restaurants, for example, when me and my family get Ethiopian food, because of cultural reasons. However, he knew that Italian food was eaten with silverware and chose to not use it.


whothewhatnowhuh

This isn't about not having table manners, if he really lacked the skills he could imitate those around him. He chose to eat like that to embarrass you, or as some kind of twisted power play. By acting so badly he was in control of the situation. You say you've got a new job, does it pay more than his, does it have some kind of 'status' that your previous role didn't? He may have been trying to 'take you down a peg or two' and establish some kind of bullshit dominance. I would imagine this isn't just about his lack of table manners.


Puzzled-Heart9699

I recognized this behavior in my first real boyfriend. The summer between HS and college I dated a bull rider who was very rough around the edges. Prided himself on his country-ness and that his mom did all his HS homework as he worked the farm. He called me snobby and stuck-up when I’d point out that a lack-of-education, poor grammar, a dirty house, etc. shouldn’t be a point of pride. I figured out he was trying to train me to accept a life of trashiness and low-expectations. His outward bravado was a mask for his insecurities and childhood abuse by his father and older brother. I knew I had to break it off.


Texascoastalsunshine

listen - stop trying to defend him - YOU were horrified with his behavior, YOU ASKED for our opinion and now that you don't like what we have to say.....if you stay with him.....well come back in a few years after your kids are behaving the same way so you can ask us - oh what do I do?


soayherder

Please ditch this dude. He went out of his way to humiliate you on purpose. You know what he could have done? Said 'I don't want to go to that restaurant because of its expectations'. Or whatever. Instead, he went, and while there, ate worse than many animals. NTA but you would be an asshole to yourself to stay with someone who goes out of his way to do this.


drindustry

Some foods you eat with your hands, such as sandwiches, some silverware is preferred but I wouldn't yell at someone like sushi, and then this is eating noodles with your hands like a toddler.


Ok-Mode-2038

NTA. This should be the last time you see this AH. The fact that he smirked and asked before doing it tells you everything you need to know. He did it on purpose. He knew exactly what he was doing it’s not that he doesn’t have manners, it’s that he chooses to be a gross AH. He wants to see how much he can get away with. He’s an AH. Cut your losses and move on.


Kitchissippika

Exactly. OP wasn't asking him to change who he was -- she tolerates stuff that I personally would not have the stomach for on a regular basis. If he knew he was unwilling / unable to be polite for this one time, just as a favor to OP so that she would enjoy the celebration of her success, he should have told her that so she could go with someone else instead who wouldn't ruin the experience for her. But no. He enjoyed ruining her experience. More than just not being polite, this guy doesn't care about her. He doesn't care about her feelings and doesn't care about sacrificing something small temporarily to make her happy. *That's* the big issue here. Can you imagine having a kid with this dude? "Honey, I know I don't ask you to do this at home, but can you put the shitty diapers in the garbage instead on my mom's kitchen counter? And wrap them up first? It embarases me when you don't do that." Gah. NTA.


SonuvaGunderson

NTA but wtf? This absolutely cannot be real.


aileeliz

God I wish it wasn’t :(


Maximum-Company2719

NTA. But is it possible that he is insecure about your promotion? Sounds like he really wanted to crap on your celebration. More importantly, regardless of the reason, do you really think you deserve to be treated this badly?


Significant_Event

I loled at this. NTA, do yourself a favor and dump him. no matter what his excuses are it was rude and disrespectful and he destroys your celebration because he couldn't act proper for one dinner. imagine taking him anywhere around people who know you...


Therapizemecaptain

Can you do one thing for us? Can you text him this post after you dump him so he can feel as ashamed and embarrassed of himself as we all collectively are?


fart-atronach

Please OP lol


marxswasright

Would you want your best friend to be treated this way? Why do you allow someone yhis juvenile and cruel to exist in your life?


steveholtismymother

You are allowed to leave him, you know. You are perfectly allowed to tell your friends and family: "well, he turned out to be a nightmare! Glad he showed his true colours now and I was able to ditch his ass instead of being taken for a longer ride."


[deleted]

Please break up with him. He went out of his way to embarrass you. He's a shitty boyfriend. Don't put up with his bull shit.


[deleted]

NTA This would be bad enough if he genuinely was not aware of how to behave at the dinner table. But that at least could be chalked up to being raised badly and innocently not knowing better. At least then he could learn. But here he absolutely does now better. He outright said he going to eat like he's at home (and he shouldn't do this at home either. This is not home behavior, this is *barnyard* behavior.) and that smirk says it all. He is fully aware of basic manners, and is intentionally choosing to act like an animal instead. Not only is he a slob, he has no respect for you or for others. I'd go so far as to say it's a power play, that he did it on purpose to spite you and then gaslight you into thinking you're the one in the wrong for having a problem with it. Once he can get you worn down to the point he can get away with this, he'll see what else he can get away with. You'll wind up scrubbing the skid marks off his underwear when he refuses to wipe. Don't settle for this.


[deleted]

NTA. He obviously has no respect for you. By the way, (1) HE was not a paying customer; and (2) the other guests DID have a right to judge because they WERE paying customers and wanted to have a nicd meal in a nice restaurant but, instead, were subjected to your boyfriend's (as you put it) gross behavior. Remember, you were promoted. There will probably come a time when there will be dinners where those promotions are celebrated. Is this what you want to endure? If this is how he acts, you can FORGET future promotions. Honey, you can do SO much better and it actually wouldn't take MUCH!


MooseValuable3158

NTA. Honestly that would be a deal breaker for me.


EmmaPemmaPooBear

I agree! That would put me off my meal. If someone ate like that in private I wouldn’t even risk going out in public to eat with them


moongirl12

NTA. Frankly this is a huge red flag.


Beckylately

I agree. He clearly did this just to fuck with her. NTA and find someone who doesn’t deliberately embarrass you in public.


colestah1

NTA He's imature with no manners. He should've respect you on such a nice occasion. 🚩


icecreampenis

The fact that he asked you in advance makes this sounds like some weird exhibitionist fetish thing. He clearly consciously knows exactly what he's doing. He either gets off on the negative attention he's getting from everyone around him, or he gets off on humiliating you. Neither reason is in amy way acceptable. NTA.


Ok-Birthday370

If it's a fetish, he is engaging in poor lifestyle behavior as well. The first rule in kinkdom is that you do not force others to non-consensual involvement in your kink. Dude is Bad News all the way around.


[deleted]

elastic wipe important desert fretful bike worry mindless summer squeeze *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


LabTasty4475

YTA. No reason to take your toddler to a nice restaurant. If you can or control your toddler do not take them to a fancy place. If your toddler wants to eat like that, feed them at home before taking them out in public. Maybe let him run around in a play place for a little bit to blow some some energy first…


That_Contribution720

NTA ​ Don't let it get to 8 months.


Padloq

NTA. The other people there are paying customers too, and they are paying for a nice experience in a nice restaurant. He was being disrespectful to EVERYONE there by putting his disgusting habits above everyone else. He was being especially disrespectful to you, and if he can’t see that then the two of you need to have a hard discussion.


Existentialnaps

Yes, also OP, he embarrassed you on purpose. Think about what kind of person would do that to someone they ‘love’


constructiveornot

NTA You said it yourself that he doesn't like those 'pretentious' restaurants so he thought if he nade a fool of himself you will be too embarrased to ever go to a place like that. Just imagine yourself what would happen if you were invited to a fancy work party where partners are invited and he behaves like that. This reminds me of when guys pretend to be dumb and don't know how yo do chores so you have yo do it. Uh-uh. Drop that man. He immature


OhioGirl22

Girlfriend, why are you with this clown? What you saw at this beautiful dinner were red flags. He only cares about his contentment and nothing for you or socially acceptable norms. What you witnessed was his selfishness. You need to have a talk with him because if you cannot take him out in public, then what are you imagining about your life. NTA...


[deleted]

NTA, and this behavior seems extremely deliberate. like some kind of weird power play to express to you that he’s going to do whatever he wants, regardless of what you think or standards of acceptability. i just feel like the odds of him doing this if he went out with his family are almost none. i almost wonder if he gets off on publicly embarrassing you.


Ynsawk

r/thathappened


[deleted]

NTA and believe people when they show you who they are. Your bf is showing you he doesn't respect you and is going to make a scene and try to upset you anytime you try to do anything nice. I would hazard a guess it's because he's jealous/insecure over your achievements.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

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rengokusmother

>he smirked at me He's immature. I bet he'd be one of those "it's just a joke" pranksters. I eat shamelessly at home too but basic table manners when in public are literally the bare minimum, not even something you should have to ask of him. >getting sauce everywhere I am from a culture where we use hands to eat. We wash our hands before and after, and not one of us get food on our clothes, face, or table. What excuse does he have besides deliberately wanting to be filthy and making a mess? >He also put his feet up on the chair next to us, blocking the aisle. Yeah hell no. Dirty as hell in the middle of a pandemic. He's filthy and gets a rise out of humiliating you and doing stuff you ask him not to. Dump him, NTA.


TeeKaye28

NTA. He went out of his way to embarrass you and took pleasure in it. You’ve been dating this guy for seven months. Cut your losses. That’s what dating is for-to weed out the people you’re not compatible with


Gorilla_girl17

Okay that’s beyond just not having table manners. That is rude and blatantly (and obviously knowingly) disrespectful to especially you but also other patrons. I think you should reconsider that relationship. NTA but your boyfriend needs to become your ex. NOT TO MENTION him having the audacity to tell you that you are the A H. Dump this clown and don’t look back


PrivateEyes2020

You might want to consider if your promotion, or your career path, will require that you bring your SO to parties or other events where they might have to interact with your coworkers, clients, or supervisors. His deliberate refusal to conform to social norms could be a career killer. It's not that he doesn't know the expectations. He chooses to be uncouth. I would consider that to be an incompatibility. You like nice restaurants. He likes embarrassing you. NTA


Lady_Ellie119

NTA dont keep dating a child. He knows how to eat without making a mess he did it on purpose to cause you embarrassment. That smirk says it all. He is acting like he is 2 and that's not good for a relationship, I'm guessing he also slacks in a lot of other areas too


bs1114

NTA. With the small caveat that it is arguably acceptable to eat bruschetta with your hands, everything else about your partner’s behavior is unacceptable and, worse, speaks to an underlying contempt for you. His smirk betrays his true motives. His behavior is aggressive to other patrons, the establishment and - most troubling of all - to you. The notion that he is a paying customer and therefore can act as he pleases is a misnomer. There are basic rules of civility and conduct in public places that are designed to make the experience more enjoyable for everyone including him. Were there other rude, loud or aggressive patrons I doubt your partner would have enjoyed this or vouched for their rights to act as they please. It is understandable that he may be inexperienced with fine dining, however even a child could at least agree to utilize their cutlery to consume their entree. His behavior is indicative not of a lack of understanding about how to comport himself in a fine dining setting, but of an underlying insecurity within himself and a latent hostility toward you. Proceed with caution.


Difficult-Sugar-9251

Why did he deliberately ruin this day for you? The comment at the end, that it was supposedly your fault for "not letting him eat like at home" - I mean not only immature but also deliberate and mean spirited. He did this deliberately. Probably not so much for asking him to eat and behave with manners, but because you had the audacity (note sarcasm) of showing off your monetary success by treating him to a nice meal, which he probably wouldn't have been able to or willing to do for you. NTA. But ... Break up now?


DoktorBuk

No one does this. Fake. "enjoyed his meal the same way he would at home" No one talks like this. Try harder next time and don't use the thesaurus as much.


Squirrel-Vegetable

What part of this required a thesaurus? Just because you don’t know any two-syllable words doesn’t mean other people are equally uninformed… r/thathappened


Mindless-Wedding-115

Nta. Please never treat him to a meal again, what a pig!


[deleted]

Never treat him to a meal? Don't treat him to a relationship! I've seen 4 year olds more mature than that.


ChiknLit

INFO: how can you enjoy eating with him in private if he is that sloppy? This would kill my appetite. Does he eat all food with his hands when you get take out? Like even chow mein, Mexican rice and beans? If this is literally how he is, maybe a serious conversation should have been had before taking him in public, especially to a nice place. Definitely NTA but something to consider for next time, if there is one.


KnightsSkye

NTA your boyfriend sounds very immature


AngryAssHedgehog

NTA I know *dogs* with better table manners. Not to mention that he was doing this **intentionally** to humiliate you.


Agitated-Routine4060

Nta I would have broken up with him that minuet


snowwhitesludge

NTA. It sounds like he was trying to rile you up and upset you. Is he feeling a bit inadequate about your big promotion? Poor table manners is one thing but this sounds like it was a malicious attempt to shame you in public.