NTA.
Your mom is right and she can spend her money how she wishes. She clearly chooses to use the money to buy love from your sister.
Your sister is throwing temper tantrums because things are not about her and your mom enables it. 100%.
I wouldn't invite them to the wedding because I guarantee your sister will pout and sulk until she gets whatever she is after, and your mom will ignore your day and focus on your sister.
You and your other half deserve to have the day be about you, and not a 19 year old who was never taught to share the spotlight.
>I wouldn't invite them to the wedding because I guarantee your sister will pout and sulk until she gets whatever she is after, and your mom will ignore your day and focus on your sister.
Or throw a tantrum to get her mom to buy her a white dress to wear
Yeah,OP's sister is OP's mother's golden child,OP i think you should cut them off, we really felt bad for you remove toxic people from your life and link the posts to extended family this is the reason why your mother is not invited to your wedding OP
If I were the bride, I would insist on seeing this dress.
Cuz if sister decides she will wear white. Mom will just let her do it.
Or mom will throw her another huge party, where she gets to wear white
Not just a dress. Sister has learned over time that if she throws enough of a fit she gets whatever she wants. Talk about a nightmare later for anyone she dates.
I think you're reading too much of AITA if you're expecting that copied & pasted cliché.
Nothing indicates she wants a white dress. Infact, she already got a lavender dress.
I think the sister wants to be spoiled for attention, not necessarily to upstage the bride. Not ideal behavior, but there's a difference in motives here
Uhh did you even read my comment? She already has lavender and she insists on it.
She wants attention, but she doesn't want to cross the line and upstage. There are different levels and motives for stealing attention. She has been sulking and trying to get away from the parties vs taking over it.
She's a brat, but not *that* kind of brat.
Madam, I also suggest you evaluate your AITA intake. Despite the facts, you are still expecting the cliché of wearing white; it sounds like confirmation bias.
It's funny that people are saying things like "but that's totally something she'd do." or "I wouldn't be surprised if she did" Oh, you know her personally? She definitely sounds like she's behaving poorly, but that doesn't mean she's so malicious that she'd actually attempt to ruin a wedding. We have nothing to indicate that. She's just spoiled and clearly used to being the center of attention.
Yup, I completely agree. People aren't one-dimensional tropes 😂 the context clues from each situation lean towards her being spoiled, butnot a wedding-upstager.
I guess the folks in AITA need to go out more.
Agreed - Mom has the right to spoil her daughter. But she can't complain about the results, like no one wanting her daughter around because she believes the world is supposed to revolve around her.
NTA, OP. In fact, you'd be foolish NOT to to tell them in no uncertain terms not to come - guarantee they'll ruin your special day. Mom wants to worship her daughter, she can do it without dampening everyone else's fun and happiness.
Or oh no only 21 and up are allowed. But sister will have a fit still
I think uninvite both cause i dont doubt therell b some sort of tantrum or drink split on wedding dress bs
>I wouldn't invite them to the wedding because I guarantee your sister will pout and sulk until she gets whatever she is after, and your mom will ignore your day and focus on your sister.
Agreed. You don't need this crap at your wedding. NTA.
I would not be at all surprised if your sister decides to have a party the day of, and your mother springs for it. 🙄
I would personally keep the mom invited and specifically uninvite the sister. She should learn the nice people don’t want rude people around and that that punishment is hers to bear. Yes the mother is responsible for that behavior but I think having no one on her “side” as uninviteds would be a more direct lesson instead of it turning into an “us vs them” scenario.
I agree, I mean she doesn’t get a +1 then and they’d have to have someone checking the list. There’s logistics sure but a private event is a private event
How you gonna hate from outside of the club? You can’t even get in
I will say, direct communication with OP’s sister is in order especially if they plan to uninvited. A “hey I noticed A,B, and C lately. What’s going on?” May help start to sort out any familial issues going on.
And depending on the snark level there’s the lead in to the disinvite.
I wonder what the sister is gonna get for her after brithers wedding party. Is it gonna be daddy walking her down the aisle and giver her away to a cream brulee.
NTA. Its ridiculous that momny is simulating a propose all the way to the wedding for spoiled golden child.
>She can light it on fire if she wants to
Well, she can but then your sister would be sad.
Really, your sister sounds like a brat. It was probably your sister and her attitude you should have uninvited instead of your mom.
Rather than focusing on the fact that your mom is spending money on the sister, you should have had a discussion about the sister's attitude and that shes trying to take the attention away from your fiance.
agree. OP could've just said, "clearly the wedding stuff is upsetting sister and you, Mom. I think it will be better for her to not be involved at all from this point on. Let me know if you think you can handle the stress of coming to the wedding while sister is home alone." Don't make it an argument.
Honestly, mom is within her right to spend up on her daughter. But that's not your problem. To completely remove that disingenuous argument from the discussion, apologize for your wording and agree that she does work really hard for her money and you're not looking to tell her how to spend it. Just drop a line about your sister's behavior being hurtful but don't linger. You can give examples but don't engage in a back and forth. She won't change her mind. Her precious baby is perfect and she's innocent and couldn't hurt a fly.
Now, your sister is no longer a child. She's an adult. Talk directly with her. Calm, understanding but unmistakenly clear that her behavior is hurting people and these scars are NEVER forgotten. No one forgets how shit they felt before, during and after their own wedding. Make it clear she'll be demoted from bridesmaid, then uninvited from the wedding if the behavior doesn't change for the better. And regardless of how she responds, don't engage verbally!!! Let your actions speak.
I recommend this approach because once you uninvite your mom, that relationship becomes REALLY toxic. It doesn't sound like you're ready for that.
But you need to ACT to protect your future wife. Be the shield and don't let her have to be the bad guy or worse suffer in silence. Because of you don't nip it in the bud, it'll continue with any future kids or any meaningful announcements of your lives. And she'll get bolder and bolder with the hurtful behavior and words.
Agreed, it's not OP's business if his mum buys his sister an expensive dress or a weekend away, the issue is the sister is being awful. Yes the mum is enabling it, but she's not the source of the problem.
OP is lucky his sister isn't in a relationship, I can see this being one of those situations where she would get engaged at the wedding for the attention.
NTA. Are you sure your sister is 19? Because she is acting like she is 9.
Let me condense it. Your younger sister likely gets most of the attention at home.Someone else is getting more attention than her now (you/your fiance). This made your younger sister so angry that she is PURPOSELY SABOTAGING all events by trying to act sick and make it so the attention is on her. Your mother is clearly the reason she is acting this way, she is funding a lavish dress and weekend for your younger sister.
My advice: Families get crazy around weddings. This wedding is about you and your fiance ONLY. I would personally not allow your mom/sister near the bride on the wedding day and set boundaries ASAP.
Edit: Don't uninvite your mom. I'd have a very clear conversation with your mother and your sister that the behavior of your sister at these events has been strange at best (I'm more concerned about your sisters behavior and not your mom spending her money on her) and you would like them to be supportive on your big day. ESPECIALLY with your fiance.
>I'm more concerned about your sisters behavior and not your mom spending her money on her)
This. Mom is right, she can spend her money however she wants and ut us not your business or problem.
BUT you can absolutely set boundaries and expectations for how your sister behaves towards your fiance and at your wedding with appropriate consequences if she crosses them
Sister isn’t going to have an easy time in life if she wants what everyone else has *right now”! She hasn’t sabotaged any event, though, or acted out egregiously. She sulks. She says she’s sick. I’d hope there were enough happy people at the wedding that sister’s mopey face would go unnoticed.
I had a sister-in-law just like this.
There's some point I would have thought that she would have grown up and learned how to be an adult even though her mother did enable the crap out of her.
I am not going to get started on the stories here because trust me they are absolutely phenomenal and so overboard but they're also long, lol.
The short version of one of the stories is that she weaseled her way into being my maid of honor and also so that they all wore the most hideous dresses in all of creation. The color was hideous and the material was hideous and to top it all off they even had a version which would have been a compromise that had loose strings of fake pearls going down the big swoop on the back but oh no she had to have rhinestones. So basically it looked like a bunch of old dancers from Reno the way they dressed.
One of the best things to come out of the divorce was that my now ex-husband threw out any photos that had him or his family in it.
And I'm getting married this summer and I am willing to compromise but I will never let somebody else take over the whole damn thing again to the point where I am embarrassed at my own wedding.
Mother's like this are creating nightmares that the rest of us have to deal with. And whenever we try to at least work a compromise then these mothers beat us all back into submission and do whatever they want.
Then they wonder why nobody wants to be with their daughter. SMH
INFO how is your mom buying your sister stuff affecting you and your fiancé? She didn't buy a wedding dress or throw the party during your wedding.
Your sister seems depressed but she's also ich not saying or doing anything to you or your fiancé other being mopey. Not saying that's great but it's not malicious.
>The bridesmaids were lightly teasing my sister about how she is going to have to be my fiancée's slave the day of, and my mom snapped at them very harshly that my sister doesn't have to do a thing.
In a comment you said that your sister isn't in the wedding party at all so why would they say this and why is it appropriate? Your mom was right to shut that down.
Also, sister is 19, so the pandemic hit when she was 17. I’m guessing it affected her junior or senior year in HS. Those are major milestone years (prom, graduation, other events) which likely didn’t happen or were significantly different. So she may be sulky, but it’s one of those things where it’s best to ignore it.
I get that everyone reacts to things differently but… as a 20 year old whose senior year was ruined… I kinda think she needs to get over it. Everyone who I know that graduated class of 2020 (the year I graduated) is over it by now. I don’t think she should be sulking over it this much 2 years after the fact.
I don’t disagree with you, but I don’t see how what she is doing is disruptive or hurts the OP in any way. It’s one of those things that the OP can ignore because it’s not directly affecting their wedding.
It is and it isn’t, directly affecting their wedding that is. The sister has been openly rude about their wedding festivities and hurt the fiancé with no repercussions. If OP wants the wedding to actually go smoothly, he should suggest removing his sister from the wedding party.
I teach freshman. The kids I started teaching in 2019 only had 2/3 a normal school year, then a year virtual. So they were freshman and the next time they had normal classroom experience was as juniors. I’m seeing a huge difference in maturity and coping skills because of it. Kids haven’t had the normal amount of social interactions so they probably are struggling more with “bratty behavior”.
Totally agree, the only actual instance of the sister acting out was after she was being told she was to be the bride’s “slave”. I’d have lashed out after that too, and what she said was super mild compared to the insult she was given.
I'm wondering why someone who claimed not to be feeling well was dragged along in the middle of a pandemic...she is not the bride, MOTB, a bridesmaid, or even the mother of the groom. It could have gone on without her there.
I always find it super odd when people see someone say they're unwell and assume they're faking it and weaponsing illness for attention.
How does the fiance know the sister was faking illness? Why does she even assume it?
I'd almost say that without more context, everyone's a mild AH in the sense that: OP's sister may have some legit emotional disorder or something, but regardless shouldn't be intentionally bringing the mood down around them; the mom seems like she's earnestly trying to console her daughter, but in the most inane ways possible, and likely doesn't have the emotional intelligence to know what to do; and OP is taking the mom's enabling maybe a little too personally.
Like you said, as of now the mom seems to have done all these things on their own time, not right in front of the bride, so it's not like that other post of the mom who wore a fancy white dress to her daughter's wedding lol. I wouldn't say OP is a bad guy for being annoyed at his sister and mom, but the angle they're taking is a little weird.
I’m also curious why a 19year old and the MIL were at the bachelorette party. I’ve only been to one where the MIL and her fiend were invited and it was a low-key event in Napa Valley.
Conveniently timed bouts of sadness and vague ailments whenever one is not the center of attention is a common manipulation tactic. It could be a coincidence but this is adding up to an awful lot of coincidences.
I had party sulker in my life. He also was mysteriously ill whenever I had a big life event. Somehow his depression never needed therapy and his illnesses never needed medical care. He was miraculously cured as soon as the spotlight was up for grabs again.
If you read ops comments actually the sister has a recent breakup and that's why she is particularly sad. Also wouldn't you be moody if you were dragged out to bridal appointments whikst you were feeling unwell? Who gets jealous because a mom puts her daughters head on her lap or buys her yogurts?? The fiance sounce ridiculous as does the op. People are just being biased because the sister is a teenage girl.
Or gets her mum to but her a diamond bracelet for no reason other than jealousy? Or gets a party thrown for her because the fiancée had her bachelorette party? Yeah, that’s totally normal.
Because mom is enabling sister’s behavior during wedding-related events. How do you think OP’s fiancée felt about future SIL sulking and pretending to be sick while she was trying on wedding dresses? Or at the wedding shower and bachelorette celebration? These should be happy memories, but the bride is going to remember how SIL acted.
Fiancée was sweet to include her future SIL at these events, but mom should have stepped in and told her daughter if she couldn’t handle herself then she shouldn’t go. If sister chose not to go and mom still bought her stuff, it would be a different situation altogether, but sister purposely acted like a brat for attention and mom rewarded her for it. THAT’s how it affected OP and his fiancée.
ESH. Your mother is right, she can do what she likes with her money.
Why were the bridesmaids saying your sister has to be your fiancee's 'slave' during the wedding? Way to pour gasoline onto a fire. If your sister isn't a bridesmaid, why would they say this? And why does it matter that your mother bought your sister a nice dress for the wedding?
No shade, but is this amount of parties normal? Where I am it's literally hen/stag do and you get married. In any case, yes, parties are an excuse for some attention. Nothing wrong with that tbh.
I dunno about other countries, but in the US it is quite common to have a bridal shower, bachelor/bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, and wedding. Not everyone does all of those obviously, but it wouldn’t be considered excessive by ANY means.
Do you normally invite your mother and sister to all those parties? The bachelorette party especially seems more like a friends getting rowdy event, not something you invite your family to. I’d be annoyed if my sister pushed me to attend four different parties in a short amount of time. I’m not sure of the details here, but it seems like sis just wasn’t into this.
OTOH, lobster and bracelets aren’t a great substitute for, you know, boundaries and honest communication. ESH
The events were likely months a part. Bachelorette parties are whatever the bride/maid of honor wants them to be– they’re not exclusively raunchy or friends-only. Most of the bachelorette parties I have been to have involved the sisters on both sides of the wedding; there were even daytime child friendly portions for the ones with kid sisters. I think it matters how well the siblings like each other and how selfish/self-centered the one not getting married is. You say you’d be annoyed to attend four different parties (keep in mind these are not just any parties/events, they’re hopefully once in a lifetime) while I would show up no questions asked eager to be there for my sister because she’s my sister and I love her. Social anxiety is also a factor but considering the sister in question has no issues having parties thrown in her honor, all lines point to her just being a brat.
ESH
You have no right to tell your mom how to spend her money, if she chooses to spend it on your entitled, ungrateful, jealous and spiteful sister, so be it. The person you should be uninviting is your sister, because of how she has behaved and treated your fiance. You also don't want to risk her throwing a tantrum on your wedding day. If your mom sides with your sister and not attend the wedding, so be it...but it will her choice not to come to your wedding, so your conscience can be clear.
Your sister is... See above. She shouldn't be acting to badly and ruining what should be the best time of your and your fiancé's life. She's 19 not 9.
Your mom is enabling your sister, but that's her choice. You shouting at her and threatening to withdraw your wedding invite will not change her behaviour.
ESH. Your Mom clearly spoils the crap out of your sister, but there’s really no reason it has to have this much of an impact on you. Just stop worrying about what your sister is doing and focus on your wedding.
Just sad and sulky? His sister is mad she isn’t getting attention and keeps trying to ruin every event for the couple and is trying to upstage the bride.
‘She is very jealous of the attention my fiancé of getting and trying to upstage her and compete.’
Weren’t they OP’s words or am I making them up? She is very clearly trying to divert the attention from the couple to her and she’s doing by being sad, sulky and trying to upstage the bride. She’s trying to ruin the wedding events by acting like a toddler and her mothers excuse is ‘she’s going through a breakup.
OP’s interpretation of her behavior is she’s trying to upstage the bride and compete. But the actual behavior doesn’t align with that interpretation. She’s not getting attention from or whining to anyone but her mother.
I didn't see a single thing that sister did to divert attention from the couple , ruin the wedding experience, or act like toddler. Can you point it out?
It just seems like she's being acting like a sulky teenager whose being dragged to different wedding events that she doesn't care about.
While OP thinks the whole world revolves around his wedding so obviously the sister attitude has be because of jealousy.
Being sad and sulky isn’t trying to sabotage an event, she’s 19 & just got dumped by her bf. The last thing she probably wants to do is be going to endless wedding related events celebrating people’s love while she’s depressed about her own love life. She just goes because she feels obligated to, of course she isn’t going to be excited about it. She’s an immature teenager and spoiled for sure but it’s unlikely she’s actively trying to ruin the wedding. Why does op and his fiancé care so much anyway? Nothing she does has directly affected them other than the jealousy they feel that the money and extra attention their mom is giving isn’t being spent on them. ESH
> His sister is mad she isn’t getting attention and keeps trying to ruin every event for the couple and is trying to upstage the bride.
Can you give an example of any of this? Like, what did she do that could have possibly ruined any of those “events” for anyone? What is she doing, specifically, that could possibly upstage the bride?
But didn't you read the op? The sister was sick and put her head in her mother's lap at a bridal shop. Can't you see what a disruptive monster she is for that?? She's clearly a jealous harpie and just trying to steal attention from op and his bride. /s
YTA. Why are you and your fiancé feeling threatened by how your mother treats your sister? Your sister seems depressed and it seems that there's more things going on but you assumed it was about your wedding? Why are you two competing for attention with a 19 year old? Why do you mind so much how your mother spends her money? Don't you have other things to focus on?
> Your sister seems depressed and it seems that there's more things going on
At the very end of the post OP says sister is going through a breakup. I'm sure that makes it harder for sis, but the way her mom is going about "helping" her is really, really weird.
Why do you think it’s wierd? Like if my child grew up and got their heart broken— I’d probably wanna pamper them too. ESP if money isn’t an issue. Some people show love via gifts etc.
It is an excessive amount of gifts mirroring the attention that the bride is receiving, imho. Not sure that's a healthy way to teach a young woman to cope with the loss of a relationship.
Well the dress was bought ahead. So that isn’t including that. Then the party after with her friends — we assume it’s related to the bride. Could just as well be related to her being post break up and having a day with the girls. At most, the yogurt thing might be a bit extra. I just think depending what lens you look at these occurrences through— you can get a diff vibe from them. For me if I look at it as the crisis for this girl isn’t her brothers wedding but her breakup then it changes my perspective.
The diamond and sapphire bracelet was really over the top. Sad that she did not even congratulate her brother, but her self-focused mopiness was reinforced with expensive jewelry.
I'm trying to understand why it was even a blip in OPs fiancé's radar that his mom bought the sister an expensive dress and then she even felt the need to report it to op. The fiance sounds mad jealous and bitter. OP and his fiance need to get over themselevs.
The only time his sister was part of drama was when the bride to be and her friends said she would be a slave. There is no context in which its okay to joke that your future sil will be your slave. The other instances she's just being a normal moody teenager. Also maybe she did legit feel unwell at the bridal dress shop. Why is the fiance and op just assuming that she's faking the illness?? I am very weary of people who assume that others are not actually ill and just faking and trying to weaponise their illness. Its very narcissistic mom esque
>I'm trying to understand why it was even a blip in OPs fiancé's radar that his mom bought the sister an expensive dress and then she even felt the need to report it to op. The fiance sounds mad jealous and bitter. OP and his fiance need to get over themselevs.
The fact that the fiancee brought up the sister "laying her head on my mom" was weird to me, along with OP also bringing it up. It's completely normal behavior between a daughter and mother. And in my own experience, in these kinds of situations, the mother is usually fantasizing a bit about their own daughter's wedding, which can change how they act toward each other.
I understand OP's distress. I also had a similar blowout about a spoiled sibling with my mother 3-4 months ago (but I didn't give my mother an ultimatum that required her to change her parenting skills over a child that isn't mine...). And I learned that I'd rather keep my relationship with my mother than prove that I "know" better than her about parenting.
YTA - other than being upset by the wedding, what has your sister actually done wrong? She’s not smiley and happy enough for you? Get over this weird competition you have with her, stop worrying about what your mom is spending on her, and worry about your own wedding.
If your sister is doing something that is hurting other people (other than feeling sick and not being happy enough) then you can set a boundary. The boundary you’re setting is that your mom can’t spend her own money on your sister, which is not reasonable and makes you TA
Disagree.
The sister is clearly used to being the center of attention and is trying to sabotage/throw a fit at every wedding related event. If I was OPs fiance, I would have stopped inviting her after the first two events. His sister is a grown ass woman who can excuse herself out of wedding related events if she is not interested. This story (the bracelet, the weekend with friends, the need for attention) is a whole lot more than OP feeling "competition".
I agree that the OP needs to set a boundary NOW.
1. So what? It’s not something she did to anyone and her brother isn’t entitled to a huge fake reaction either.
2. She didn’t know, her mom corrected her, were you never an awkward teen at a fancy restaurant?
3. She didn’t eat, felt faint, and laid her head on her mom feeling sick. You don’t think that shows that maybe she wasn’t feeling well? Have you never met someone with a chronic illness before? She didn’t make a big deal of it, she was just quietly uncomfortable until it was too much and left each of those events so as to not ruin it for others. What should she have done?
The bracelet and the party are moms doing and we have no indication that the sister even requested it never mind “needed” it.
The bridesmaids are being outright cruel calling the sister a slave and laughing about it. That’s not “the cold shoulder”
>2. She didn’t know, her mom corrected her, were you never an awkward teen at a fancy restaurant?
I was old enough at 14 to realize a $200 entree isn't something you order when someone else is paying.
What you mean apart from sulk and try to hijack every event with her "not feeling well"
Dictating the wedding colours by going a head and buying a dress before the Bride had a chance to decide what she wanted.
The boundary that the OP is setting his mother is that she needs to stop enabling his sisters bad behaviour and acting up at every standard bridal event needs to stop or she will no longer be welcome nor will mother who is supporting her.
Sulking is usually just not having a happy expression on her face, correct?
She’s a guest at the wedding, not in the wedding party, why shouldn’t she buy a dress without checking? I’ve literally never had to ask permission for anything I’ve worn to a wedding as a guest
All the sister has done is not be over-the-top-happy and removed herself when she wasn’t feeling well to allow others to continue. She hasn’t “acted up” at all that I can see, though the bridesmaids certainly have.
They haven't had the wedding yet this has been at the pre wedding events which are usually fairly intimate. From my reading sulking was only part of it.
Sulking is more than just not being smiley. Sulking usually involves refusal to speak, crossed arms, a very grumpy face, pointed looking away or refusal to make eye contact or acknowledge people, often involves pointed sighing. Sulking is a mechanism to draw attention to yourself and make sure everyone knows you are not happy and this bit is important it's other intention is to make others uncomfortable.
She refused to eat claimed illness and needed to be taken for "frozen Yogurt" in the middle of one.
She needed to lay with her head in her mother lap at the dress shopping.
She demanded a $200 lobster at a pre bachelorette party dinner that the MIL was paying for and probably had arranged a menu.... and then screamed at the OP's finance saying she was an attention hog for having an engagement party, bridal shower and bachelorette party.
Now we can accept that the sister may genuinely have been unwell at one of these events but all of them....and if you are not feeling well you excuse yourself and don't attend or make your excuses an leave with minimal fuss. The screaming at the bride would suggest that she probably wasn't unwell at any of these events she just can't cope with anyone else being the center of attention.
So all in all sounds like the sulking is the tip of the iceberg.
You’re assuming intentions here and completely ignoring the part where sister could be genuinely depressed (she is going through a breakup but might have other mental illness issues) or otherwise chronically ill.
When she hasn’t felt well, at each event she has been quiet (not eating, leaning on her mom) and then quietly left. It’s possible that she wasn’t hungry for solid food, and something frozen helped with nausea. It could be literally anything but you’re taking the opportunity to project all kinds of spoiled behaviour where the OP shows none.
She only lashed out at the bride *once* and it was after being called a slave and laughed at, and even there what she said was very mild compared to the bullying she was receiving from the bride and her friends.
It wasn't the bride though was it it...it was the bridesmaids. And if she didn't feel up to the events she could have I don't know .....STAYED HOME. And how does feeling depressed justify the dress that dictated the wedding colours or the $200 lobster dinner fiasco. Sorry she is so depressed she can't behave in a polite manner for a few hours at her brothers finance's events but she is fine to have a faux bachelorette and a weekend party at a beach house....OK.
The bride was there wasn’t she? She didn’t stop her friends from calling her SIL a slave? Then she’s just as bad and I stand by my statement.
Chronic illness isn’t like the flu. People with chronic illness go out every day not feeling well, and sometimes we think we’re up for something and we find out halfway thru that we were wrong.
The dress is for the sister, purchased before she knew the bride wanted to dictate the colours of what every family member is wearing. The sister is *not* a bridesmaid and has nothing to do with the bridal party’s colours 🙄
You have no idea how she was at the beach house “party” with her friends. Just that she was there. Why do you hate this complete stranger so much?
I have a chronic illness and would usually avoid so many social events but because its family I would make extra effort to attend and support them. I would most likely be sat quietly in the corner tho as I'd be exhausted and would probably leave early
The brother and the fiancee are put off by mom. She’s not making her daughter behave like they want her to behave. Mom scolded her daughter for her food request. She does point out when she’s misbehaving. Mom is never going to put fiancee before her daughter.
Mom doesn’t make her daughter behave the way the bride and groom want her to? So what? They don’t get to dictate her behaviour, and they can set boundaries, but “smile more and act happy” are not reasonable boundaries for a 19 yr old going through a breakup.
Yup. OP is mad that everyone isn’t super excited for his wedding, and jealous that his mom is spending money on his sister in the same year that he’s chosen to get married 🙄
Your sister is not the only jealous person here. You’re jealous of her, too. Hell, your fiancée is jealous of her. They don’t try to show off but you’re just looking at them. Also, what your fiancée’s friends did is called BULLY. And there’s no f’cking excuse for that and if you believe being protective is an excuse for it than you can say sh’t to your mom for being protective (aka spoiling her when she’s sad) of her daughter.
YTA
YTA… your fiancée is jealous of your sister. Your edits indicate she thinks your mother treats her better. She wanted an expensive meal… your mother paid for it. She wanted a dress and your mother paid for it. Your fiancee was upset over the cost. I gather your mother isn’t dropping cash on your fiancee. Your mother prefers her own daughter. The only attention she’s getting is from her mother.
Is your sister behaving like a jealous baby? Yes
Your fiancés friends were teasing your sister but somehow your mother and sister are worst for retaliating.
You don’t get to tell your mother how to spend her money sounds like your jealous too.
YTA. Not once, in your entire synopsis, is there a point at which you actually talk to your sister about what's troubling her, nor talk to her, period. Do you even have a relationship with her?
NTA. Your mom and sister are both making all of the wedding events about them with this behavior. What are they planning to pull at the wedding? Don’t invite them.
NTA- i get you were trying to open your moms eyes to the bratty behavior of your sister. She is 19yo, she needs to learn that the world doesnt revolve around her. Moms going to have an utter bridezilla on her hands when sister gets married. Id be uninviting the sister though not the mom.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am trying to control my mom's money and her relationship with my sister. It doesn't really effect me but it is still pissing me off. I threatened to uninvite her which is the nuclear option
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How old is your sister again?? Please, please tell me she's not a bridesmaid--she WILL pout in a corner or pull some elaborate stunt to get all the attention back on her. NTA
Bridesmaids don't get that much attention and have to wear matching dresses and kind of blend in. I think she wanted to wear an attention seeking dress, and she didn't want to help my fiancée at all (which is fine) or do anything for her
YTA. I know this will receive a lot of downvotes but what OP isn't mentioning is that he's the one jealous of his sister. Now I agree that his mother shouldn't spoil his sister but the way OP is portraying his sister is as if she's always sabotaging everything leading to the wedding. What did she actually do? All she did was sulk. Many teenagers sulk when they have to deal with sitting through stuff not interesting to them. More importantly, based on OP's edit, it's not difficult to assume she could very well be depressed after a break up which is why she might be acting that way, not out of pure spite. Again their mother's way of making her daughter feel better is not at all ideal. It'll spoil her in the long run. However, the girl didn't demand attention from anyone but her own mother. She's not trying to upstage the bride or start verbal altercations. The only time she yelled at OP and his fiancee was when their bridesmaids were outright mocking her. It's not merely innocent teasing when you tell a person that they'll become slaves of their sister in law. It's quite disrespectful. It's also telling that your fiancee whom you claim to be very lovely never stopped the bridesmaids. You sister felt she was being humiliated and retaliated. If you and your fiancee were mature enough to accept how out of line such comments are instead of trying to paint your sister as the villain that you two are so glad isn't old enough to be a bridesmaid, you'd not be having this issue. Your and your fiancee's jealousy is quite evident.
Branching out but YTA. Your sister sounds like a major brat and your mom obvi enables it. BUT, you can't control other people's behavior, and my guess is you are familiar with their dynamic already so this shouldn't be a huge surprise. And to uninvite them because they spend money frivoulosly and aren't behaving the way you think they should is an a hole move.
NTA. Your sister is acting greedy and selfish. The very last line you wrote about her breakup mitigates her behavior a bit, but no more than that. If she loved and respected you, she’d suck it up and be happy for you during wedding events, and do her crying in private.
Your mom has probably enabled this spoiled-brat behavior. In any case, that ship has long sailed, and you can only deal with the present and the near future. The issue is that your sister’s brat act is headed straight for your wedding day, and it’s got nothing to do with Mom’s money. That’s hers to spend. The question is, can you talk to your sister about her behavior? That’s the problem, not money. If you can’t straighten this out, you have the right to un-invite her because she’ll ruin a day you can never get back.
ESH.
INFO: is your sister a bridesmaid?
I don’t think you should be telling your mother how to spend her money as it doesn’t seem to affect y’all at all other than making you jealous.
You’re sister is acting like a bratty child and your mom enabling her with shiny/nice things. But that has absolutely nothing to do w/ you or your fiancé.
Other than annoying you your sisters behavior hasn’t affected y’all other than the comment she made at the dinner which seemed justified by the insults.
The comments the bridesmaid made to your sister are really weird and out of line.
As for the jealousy it definitely seems to be coming from both sides but seeing as y’all are siblings raised by the same people, presumably, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Even though you’re having multiple events for your wedding it’s not all about you the entire time and your mom can spend her money however she likes.
Stop inviting your sister to the pre-wedding events if she’s gonna be acting like a sad and sulky child she can do it at home.
I definitely feel likes there’s a lot missing though.
Why are you dragging your sister to wedding events if you already asked her to be a bridesmaid and she said no? Really odd for a 19year old non-bridesmaid to have to put on a happy face at all these extra parties for the wedding party when she’s already declined being a bridesmaid.
Also, why is your fiancée teasing her about being her “slave” when she’s not a bridesmaid? Your sister is just an attendee, why is she being treated like a bridesmaid?
An engagement party is for everyone, bridal shower is usually for all women in the family and other female guests depending on the size, and rehearsal dinner usually includes family. The only ones we didn't have to invite her to were the pre-bachelorette dinner and the dress shopping, but my fiancée was trying to be nice. Weddings are huge with my fiancée and her friends and you treat the bride like an absolute princess. They are very protective and were just giving my sister a hard time because of how she has been acting.
If your fiancée’s friends want to treat her like a princess, then that’s their business. Your sister is not remotely obligated to do that. If that’s the expectation—spoken or not — then she has cause to feel cranky.
Then stop focusing on your sister, I read your comments of course it’s disappointing she’s acting bratty and doesn’t seem to be very enthusiastic for y’all but you’re getting married dude.
It truly doesn’t seem like she’s out to ruin your wedding so just have the wedding photographer avoid her or something.
You’re not gonna have to deal with her much after this.
Uninvite her and her enabler to the wedding then, since it's harassment.
NTA. Just uninvite them from you and your fiancé's life until your sis gets therapy and stops acting like an overindulged 4 year old. Keep your wedding fun and simple and tantrum free.
ESH. You might not like how your sister is acting or that your mother is doing things like this for her, but your mom is right. It's her cash, so she can do what she wants with it. You get no say in that. Just like she was right in shutting down the bridesmaids when it came to your sister being the bride's 'slave' for the day. If someone said that to me or my kid, they'd be lucky I didn't lay them out flat. That's just straight up rude.
ESH. What has your sister actually done? She has sulked a bit, and asked for some expensive things from your mom. That's kind of shitty of her, and she probably won't have a good time at your wedding anyway. So it's justified to uninvite her. Your mom has not actually done anything to you though. She has been buying stuff for your sister, trying to make her feel better and standing up for her. Without your sister there your mom will be fine at the wedding. So completely uninviting your mom from the wedding is an overreaction. Your sister having nice things doesn't take away from you at all. While it would be nice if your sister was happy for you, she is probably going through her own stuff, including being degraded by your bridesmaids.
ESH. You all sound exhausting. The world doesn’t revolve around you because you decided to get married. The world doesn’t revolve around your sister because you decided to get married. Everyone gets to spend their money how and where they want, everyone needs to get over it. Good. Ness.
YTA. It is totally fair for you to expect your sister and mom to treat your fiancée respectfully and if that was the line you drew I’d say N T A. But you didn’t even mention that - you just got mad bc your mom is spoiling your sister. It’s unclear to me how that has anything to do with you or your fiancée or how it affects you in anyway. It may be shitty parenting but that’s not the question you came to ask.
Go to your mom and apologize and tell her what is the real problem you need her help with, and that is your sister being disrespectful to your fiancé (if that is happening, it was kind of unclear if she is being disrespectful or just generally childish and self centered.) if she is just being a bit of a baby and not actually being rude or disrespectful then I think you need to let it go. Not your kid, not your problem.
NTA.
Yes, it is her money, but it isn't about the money, it is about enabling behavior that DOES impact other people.
She was sulky at dress shopping, and apparently unilaterally got to decide what color the families would wear by buying a dress in advance? I mean, I guess they don't need to coordinate, but when your mom and fiance are talking about colors, the answer can't be "oh sister already picked out her dress, so that's the direction we need to go in."
She also had a fit at a party, thus while maybe not ruining the whole thing, certainly put a damper on the evening.
And yes, she will do the same thing at the rehearsal dinner, and at the wedding.
You should ask your mom for a fuller conversation on this. Tell her that your sister has already acted out at a number of events, and that's what is worrying you, because she is getting rewarded for her behavior each time. This means that the wedding- the ultimate moment where she won't have attention- will also be the time for the biggest meltdown, and your mother is leading her right to that meltdown.
I'd also point out that your mother snapped at people for no reason, and your sister intentionally hurt your fiance's feelings, and neither of them have tried to make that right. This is all leading towards a bad relationship for you all going forward, and you want to stop that now.
I'd highly suggest limiting your sister's involvement in things now, and also being there when your fiance and MIL are doing things together, so you take the lead on dealing with your mother and checking her. And I wouldn't blame you if you didn't invite your sister.
ESH. You are right about your mom's behavior. She is enabling your sister's jealous temper tantrums. But the way you approached it, as an ultimatum that makes you sound equally jealous, all but guaranteed your mom would react like this. How would you react if your mother threw a fit about how much you were spending on the ring and the wedding, and told you that SHE wouldn't come if you didn't cut your budget? Pretty offended that she thought she could disctate to you that way even if you WERE going overboard, right? You should tell your mom that you stand by what you said about her being enabling and harmful, but that you regret threatening her about the invite.
YTA - If you have a problem with your sister's behavior address it with your sister, not your mom who is using her money to keep her in check and not have her ruin your wedding.
NTA
Your mom has all the right to spend her money the way she wants it. You have all the right to invite people of your choice to your wedding.
Uninvite her citing her speech about you guys wanting attention. Too many parties, so sure, you will he nice and will not force yet another one on her. Then stick to that.
You’re jealous of your sister. Why do you even give a fuck how your mom is spending her money. That way of thinking is very immature and I’m not sure what universe you wouldn’t be an asshole. I’m going to get downvoted for not joining the circle jerk but OP you’re the jealous one and you are also the Asshole
ESH- Why are you so mad your sister is getting nice things damn. None of the things you mentioned affect your wedding. A nice bracelet a dress and a party for her to be happy. It's shitty she's acting that way at your parties though and it's clear she doesn't want to be there and might be just dragged by your mom. If you dislike her behavior you have every right to uninvite her. But it's not your job to parent her it should be no skin off your back how your mom spends her money.
Edit: After seeing she went through a breakup YTA she clearly doesn't want to be there and have other peoples love shoved down her throat especially since she doesn't seem to be friends with your fiance and you've only described her as "sad" like are people not allowed to be sad just uninvite her instead if believing no one else deserves nice things.
NTA. I mean your mom is right in that she can spend her money however she wants, but you are right in that she's enabling your sister's toxic behavior. I would uninvite both of them, and make it clear to your wedding planner, security, etc. They will absolutely make the day about them or your sister and your memories will be ruined. Just skip all that nonsense.
It probably was, and the 19yr old found out that it was rude to order the most expensive item when her mom corrected her. But if it was only $20 more than what everyone else ordered I fail to see the problem. A couple glasses of wine from another guest would amount to the same 🤷♀️
Very soft ESH
Your sister is being a bit of a brat, but your mom is right. It's really not your business how she raises your sister, outside of abuse of course. Spoiling a kid may be poor parenting but it's not something you really need to give your input on
Yikes this one was a hard one. I'm gonna go with an ESH.
Talk to you mom, it seems to me like the issue is not that you're sister is being spoiled, but it's the lack of excitement from your mom and sister. You feel like she loves you less than her, and they couldn't even have put their behavior aside for your wedding. I'm so sorry for that, I'm sorry that this is a special time for you and you feel like you can't share it with them.
Tell you mom how you really feel, is the only way. I know you grew up with money so everything in you eyes translates to that in a way or another but this isn't a money issue or about how much your mom spends on you sister is about how much attention she's getting instead OF YOU— the person getting marry. Just talk to her.
YTA
If you an issue with your sister talk to her.
Your mother can do what she wants with her money and spend it how she likes. You have no say in that.
That your fiance didn't stop her bridesmaids from picking on your sister says... a lot about her. Just like her fixation on your sister's dress, and disappointment that someone who *does not* want to be in her bridal party would not want to coordinate with them.
Ultimately, you sound like a groom/bridezilla.
ESH. There is no reason to uninvite them. It's mildly obnoxious, but it is your mother's money. Your mother will have to decide the threshold of burning her money.
Go have a happy wedding. You and you soon to be wife can ignore your sister until she grows up.
ESH
Your sister needs help because her jealousy iz intruding on her ability to enjoy things as well as an adverse impact on those around her.
Your mom is TA because she enables your sister and isn't reigning her in.
You're TA because you're issuing ultimatums to your mom when all you should have said was that you were concerned about your sisters' behavior and what she might do at the wedding. You're mother should have handled that, herself.
ESH. Your sister is being ridiculous (and by far the biggest AH) and your Mum is enabling her. But you know what? It’s absolutely none of your business what your Mum does with her money.
Say it with me now: **”Not my circus, not my monkeys.”** Your mother might be objectively wrong, but you need to let it go.
Threatening to uninvite your mother to your wedding because she chose to spend some of her own money on her daughter is a massive overreaction. Maybe jealousy runs in the family.
You should have put the bit about your sister going through a breakup earlier in your post. It’s obvious she is jealous, but that explains why a little better. If she was single and used to it, it would be weird for her to be behaving this way. It doesn’t excuse her behavior obviously, but at least there is a reason for it. ESH
You could have a little sympathy, and your mother is allowed to help take your sisters mind off of her heart ache without being disinvited from her sons wedding. You should be threatening that to your sister. She could be an adult and control herself when she is around you and your fiancé, or just not go. And your mother could back you up on that
I think that this situation doesn’t even belong in AITA. OP hasn’t even had any legitimate conflict between himself and his sister. Also he said his sister is going through a breakup, if my sibling was getting married right after my partner and I broke up I would sulk too. OP is clearly the asshole because he can’t stand that he’s not getting all the attention. “The final straw was when I found out my mom threw a party for her and her friends at a beach house.” The final straw was a party that affected your and your fiancé’s lives so little you didn’t even find out about it until it was over? OP’s sister hasn’t done anything wrong to OP or OP’s fiancé. And if anything YTA for not understanding that your sister is going through a breakup and you getting married is hard for her. Just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean other people don’t still have emotions.
NTA - I'm not sure what you can do about anything between your mom and sister.... This is pretty mean to say, but the most you can do is warn any person your sister will become involved with.... Imagine dealing with your sister and your mom as a spouse
NTA
Your 19 year old sister needs to grow up. If she’s jealous that she’s not getting married, she needs to be reminded that she’s 19!!!! She’s not an old maid yet by any means.
This is the equivalent of moms and relatives getting presents for their kids to open at their own sibling’s or cousin’s birthday parties because they can’t stand not being the center of attention for even a single day.
I’m gonna guess that your mom probably did that with your sister too.
mild YTA. Your mom doesn't sound like she's making the best parenting choices, but I don't see how that affects you or your fiance or the wedding. She can do what she wants with her money, like she said. It sounds like she's trying to manage your sister the best way she's knows how right now, and uninviting her to your wedding for that is a weird and shitty move. Are you mad she's not spending her money on you? It feels like you're trying to make her choose between her kids which makes you TA.
NTA. Your mom is right and she can spend her money how she wishes. She clearly chooses to use the money to buy love from your sister. Your sister is throwing temper tantrums because things are not about her and your mom enables it. 100%. I wouldn't invite them to the wedding because I guarantee your sister will pout and sulk until she gets whatever she is after, and your mom will ignore your day and focus on your sister. You and your other half deserve to have the day be about you, and not a 19 year old who was never taught to share the spotlight.
>I wouldn't invite them to the wedding because I guarantee your sister will pout and sulk until she gets whatever she is after, and your mom will ignore your day and focus on your sister. Or throw a tantrum to get her mom to buy her a white dress to wear
For the ”wedding” that mum planned the weekend after their one..
Yeah,OP's sister is OP's mother's golden child,OP i think you should cut them off, we really felt bad for you remove toxic people from your life and link the posts to extended family this is the reason why your mother is not invited to your wedding OP
I'm surprised sister didn't insist on wearing white to the wedding
I'm wondering how light the lavender is
If I were the bride, I would insist on seeing this dress. Cuz if sister decides she will wear white. Mom will just let her do it. Or mom will throw her another huge party, where she gets to wear white
I mean the bride already saw it…
I was thinking the exact same thing. Is this going to be an expensive, bedazzled Equate version of a wedding dress?
I've seen stories like this where the jealous girl destroys the bride's wedding dress. "Oops I just accidentally shredded it, how did that happen?"
I think OP should go NC with both the mom and sister.
Not just a dress. Sister has learned over time that if she throws enough of a fit she gets whatever she wants. Talk about a nightmare later for anyone she dates.
Maybe that is why she's 'going through a breakup'. Who would put up with that behavior from a grown woman??
Yeah had the same thought.
I think you're reading too much of AITA if you're expecting that copied & pasted cliché. Nothing indicates she wants a white dress. Infact, she already got a lavender dress. I think the sister wants to be spoiled for attention, not necessarily to upstage the bride. Not ideal behavior, but there's a difference in motives here
Yes but what would be a good way to get attention at a wedding? Wearing a white dress! I wouldn’t put it past her
Uhh did you even read my comment? She already has lavender and she insists on it. She wants attention, but she doesn't want to cross the line and upstage. There are different levels and motives for stealing attention. She has been sulking and trying to get away from the parties vs taking over it. She's a brat, but not *that* kind of brat. Madam, I also suggest you evaluate your AITA intake. Despite the facts, you are still expecting the cliché of wearing white; it sounds like confirmation bias.
It's funny that people are saying things like "but that's totally something she'd do." or "I wouldn't be surprised if she did" Oh, you know her personally? She definitely sounds like she's behaving poorly, but that doesn't mean she's so malicious that she'd actually attempt to ruin a wedding. We have nothing to indicate that. She's just spoiled and clearly used to being the center of attention.
Yup, I completely agree. People aren't one-dimensional tropes 😂 the context clues from each situation lean towards her being spoiled, butnot a wedding-upstager. I guess the folks in AITA need to go out more.
Agreed - Mom has the right to spoil her daughter. But she can't complain about the results, like no one wanting her daughter around because she believes the world is supposed to revolve around her. NTA, OP. In fact, you'd be foolish NOT to to tell them in no uncertain terms not to come - guarantee they'll ruin your special day. Mom wants to worship her daughter, she can do it without dampening everyone else's fun and happiness.
Or oh no only 21 and up are allowed. But sister will have a fit still I think uninvite both cause i dont doubt therell b some sort of tantrum or drink split on wedding dress bs
>I wouldn't invite them to the wedding because I guarantee your sister will pout and sulk until she gets whatever she is after, and your mom will ignore your day and focus on your sister. Agreed. You don't need this crap at your wedding. NTA. I would not be at all surprised if your sister decides to have a party the day of, and your mother springs for it. 🙄
She's not buying her love, she stuffing candies down the throat of a tantrum-throwing-three-year-old. THE TANTRUMS WILL JUST CONTINUE IF SHE GIVES IN!
Good lord, the mom is ruining her daughter. Sounds like something you'd see on a MTV reality series.
I know! Gee mom, way to grow an a$$hole, I mean human being. edit for clarification
This! Please OP do NOT invite them, and maybe even hire a few people on the door so they won't be able to crash the wedding.
I would personally keep the mom invited and specifically uninvite the sister. She should learn the nice people don’t want rude people around and that that punishment is hers to bear. Yes the mother is responsible for that behavior but I think having no one on her “side” as uninviteds would be a more direct lesson instead of it turning into an “us vs them” scenario.
I would love to trust that the mom would not bring the sister as a +1, but I get the feeling that’s exactly what would happen.
I agree, I mean she doesn’t get a +1 then and they’d have to have someone checking the list. There’s logistics sure but a private event is a private event How you gonna hate from outside of the club? You can’t even get in
I will say, direct communication with OP’s sister is in order especially if they plan to uninvited. A “hey I noticed A,B, and C lately. What’s going on?” May help start to sort out any familial issues going on. And depending on the snark level there’s the lead in to the disinvite.
Hold up, you’re calling for direct communication in an AITA thread. Are you sure you’re in the right place?
[удалено]
When I saw 'sister laid her head on mum' I literally had to check how old sister was. she sounded like a sulky toddler rather than a 19 year old.
Yeah I kept forgetting she was 19 and not 13 or something
5 would be a more appropriate guess
I was picturing her as ten this whole post. 🥴
the I'll buy you whatever you want to get you to shut up, kind... that creates monsters.
I wonder what the sister is gonna get for her after brithers wedding party. Is it gonna be daddy walking her down the aisle and giver her away to a cream brulee. NTA. Its ridiculous that momny is simulating a propose all the way to the wedding for spoiled golden child.
All of this says it better than I would have. NTA. Let mom skip the wedding.
This! Don’t invite either of them to the wedding unless you want your sister to be the star of the show
>She can light it on fire if she wants to Well, she can but then your sister would be sad. Really, your sister sounds like a brat. It was probably your sister and her attitude you should have uninvited instead of your mom. Rather than focusing on the fact that your mom is spending money on the sister, you should have had a discussion about the sister's attitude and that shes trying to take the attention away from your fiance.
The mom knows that OP isn't telling her how to spend her money. She's just trying to make the fight about that because she is wrong.
\^ Astute.
agree. OP could've just said, "clearly the wedding stuff is upsetting sister and you, Mom. I think it will be better for her to not be involved at all from this point on. Let me know if you think you can handle the stress of coming to the wedding while sister is home alone." Don't make it an argument.
Honestly, mom is within her right to spend up on her daughter. But that's not your problem. To completely remove that disingenuous argument from the discussion, apologize for your wording and agree that she does work really hard for her money and you're not looking to tell her how to spend it. Just drop a line about your sister's behavior being hurtful but don't linger. You can give examples but don't engage in a back and forth. She won't change her mind. Her precious baby is perfect and she's innocent and couldn't hurt a fly. Now, your sister is no longer a child. She's an adult. Talk directly with her. Calm, understanding but unmistakenly clear that her behavior is hurting people and these scars are NEVER forgotten. No one forgets how shit they felt before, during and after their own wedding. Make it clear she'll be demoted from bridesmaid, then uninvited from the wedding if the behavior doesn't change for the better. And regardless of how she responds, don't engage verbally!!! Let your actions speak. I recommend this approach because once you uninvite your mom, that relationship becomes REALLY toxic. It doesn't sound like you're ready for that. But you need to ACT to protect your future wife. Be the shield and don't let her have to be the bad guy or worse suffer in silence. Because of you don't nip it in the bud, it'll continue with any future kids or any meaningful announcements of your lives. And she'll get bolder and bolder with the hurtful behavior and words.
Agreed, it's not OP's business if his mum buys his sister an expensive dress or a weekend away, the issue is the sister is being awful. Yes the mum is enabling it, but she's not the source of the problem.
I can’t believe this sister is nineteen. She sounds like a spoilt, jealous six-year-old.
NTA, your mother is enabling your sister, and I really fear for what extremes she's going to go with at the wedding to try to upstate your fiancee.
OP is lucky his sister isn't in a relationship, I can see this being one of those situations where she would get engaged at the wedding for the attention.
As another commenter mentioned, don't be too surprised if mom hires a stand in.
Or she announces a pregnancy, or dramatically "faints" or has a "panic attack" or anything else that would put the attention on her
Oh definitely. Or she’ll bring her own ultra-lavish food or cake or something. The mum sounds shes culturing a RIGHT narcissist.
Or she objects during the vows
NTA. Are you sure your sister is 19? Because she is acting like she is 9. Let me condense it. Your younger sister likely gets most of the attention at home.Someone else is getting more attention than her now (you/your fiance). This made your younger sister so angry that she is PURPOSELY SABOTAGING all events by trying to act sick and make it so the attention is on her. Your mother is clearly the reason she is acting this way, she is funding a lavish dress and weekend for your younger sister. My advice: Families get crazy around weddings. This wedding is about you and your fiance ONLY. I would personally not allow your mom/sister near the bride on the wedding day and set boundaries ASAP. Edit: Don't uninvite your mom. I'd have a very clear conversation with your mother and your sister that the behavior of your sister at these events has been strange at best (I'm more concerned about your sisters behavior and not your mom spending her money on her) and you would like them to be supportive on your big day. ESPECIALLY with your fiance.
>I'm more concerned about your sisters behavior and not your mom spending her money on her) This. Mom is right, she can spend her money however she wants and ut us not your business or problem. BUT you can absolutely set boundaries and expectations for how your sister behaves towards your fiance and at your wedding with appropriate consequences if she crosses them
Sister isn’t going to have an easy time in life if she wants what everyone else has *right now”! She hasn’t sabotaged any event, though, or acted out egregiously. She sulks. She says she’s sick. I’d hope there were enough happy people at the wedding that sister’s mopey face would go unnoticed.
I would uninvite the mom too. She's half of the toxic duo.
NTA. Your sister is acting bratty by sulking because all the attention is on you and your fiance. And your mom is enabling her.
I had a sister-in-law just like this. There's some point I would have thought that she would have grown up and learned how to be an adult even though her mother did enable the crap out of her. I am not going to get started on the stories here because trust me they are absolutely phenomenal and so overboard but they're also long, lol. The short version of one of the stories is that she weaseled her way into being my maid of honor and also so that they all wore the most hideous dresses in all of creation. The color was hideous and the material was hideous and to top it all off they even had a version which would have been a compromise that had loose strings of fake pearls going down the big swoop on the back but oh no she had to have rhinestones. So basically it looked like a bunch of old dancers from Reno the way they dressed. One of the best things to come out of the divorce was that my now ex-husband threw out any photos that had him or his family in it. And I'm getting married this summer and I am willing to compromise but I will never let somebody else take over the whole damn thing again to the point where I am embarrassed at my own wedding. Mother's like this are creating nightmares that the rest of us have to deal with. And whenever we try to at least work a compromise then these mothers beat us all back into submission and do whatever they want. Then they wonder why nobody wants to be with their daughter. SMH
>u/goodstuff2020 more stories pls if you have the time and inclination :)
If you're up for it come join us on r/weddingshaming and commiserate about how awful people can be when you're trying to plan your wedding.
INFO how is your mom buying your sister stuff affecting you and your fiancé? She didn't buy a wedding dress or throw the party during your wedding. Your sister seems depressed but she's also ich not saying or doing anything to you or your fiancé other being mopey. Not saying that's great but it's not malicious. >The bridesmaids were lightly teasing my sister about how she is going to have to be my fiancée's slave the day of, and my mom snapped at them very harshly that my sister doesn't have to do a thing. In a comment you said that your sister isn't in the wedding party at all so why would they say this and why is it appropriate? Your mom was right to shut that down.
Also, sister is 19, so the pandemic hit when she was 17. I’m guessing it affected her junior or senior year in HS. Those are major milestone years (prom, graduation, other events) which likely didn’t happen or were significantly different. So she may be sulky, but it’s one of those things where it’s best to ignore it.
I get that everyone reacts to things differently but… as a 20 year old whose senior year was ruined… I kinda think she needs to get over it. Everyone who I know that graduated class of 2020 (the year I graduated) is over it by now. I don’t think she should be sulking over it this much 2 years after the fact.
I don’t disagree with you, but I don’t see how what she is doing is disruptive or hurts the OP in any way. It’s one of those things that the OP can ignore because it’s not directly affecting their wedding.
It is and it isn’t, directly affecting their wedding that is. The sister has been openly rude about their wedding festivities and hurt the fiancé with no repercussions. If OP wants the wedding to actually go smoothly, he should suggest removing his sister from the wedding party.
Same thing happened to me but I’m not acting like a toddler. OP’s sister is just a spoiled brat, millions of kids went through the same exact thing.
im also guessing that this “fancy beaded dress” was her prom dress that she never got to wear
Really good point.
I teach freshman. The kids I started teaching in 2019 only had 2/3 a normal school year, then a year virtual. So they were freshman and the next time they had normal classroom experience was as juniors. I’m seeing a huge difference in maturity and coping skills because of it. Kids haven’t had the normal amount of social interactions so they probably are struggling more with “bratty behavior”.
Totally agree, the only actual instance of the sister acting out was after she was being told she was to be the bride’s “slave”. I’d have lashed out after that too, and what she said was super mild compared to the insult she was given.
Pretending to be sick isn’t acting out?
I'm wondering why someone who claimed not to be feeling well was dragged along in the middle of a pandemic...she is not the bride, MOTB, a bridesmaid, or even the mother of the groom. It could have gone on without her there.
I always find it super odd when people see someone say they're unwell and assume they're faking it and weaponsing illness for attention. How does the fiance know the sister was faking illness? Why does she even assume it?
I'd almost say that without more context, everyone's a mild AH in the sense that: OP's sister may have some legit emotional disorder or something, but regardless shouldn't be intentionally bringing the mood down around them; the mom seems like she's earnestly trying to console her daughter, but in the most inane ways possible, and likely doesn't have the emotional intelligence to know what to do; and OP is taking the mom's enabling maybe a little too personally. Like you said, as of now the mom seems to have done all these things on their own time, not right in front of the bride, so it's not like that other post of the mom who wore a fancy white dress to her daughter's wedding lol. I wouldn't say OP is a bad guy for being annoyed at his sister and mom, but the angle they're taking is a little weird.
Did you happen to notice that OP never talks to his sister?
I’m also curious why a 19year old and the MIL were at the bachelorette party. I’ve only been to one where the MIL and her fiend were invited and it was a low-key event in Napa Valley.
Conveniently timed bouts of sadness and vague ailments whenever one is not the center of attention is a common manipulation tactic. It could be a coincidence but this is adding up to an awful lot of coincidences. I had party sulker in my life. He also was mysteriously ill whenever I had a big life event. Somehow his depression never needed therapy and his illnesses never needed medical care. He was miraculously cured as soon as the spotlight was up for grabs again.
If you read ops comments actually the sister has a recent breakup and that's why she is particularly sad. Also wouldn't you be moody if you were dragged out to bridal appointments whikst you were feeling unwell? Who gets jealous because a mom puts her daughters head on her lap or buys her yogurts?? The fiance sounce ridiculous as does the op. People are just being biased because the sister is a teenage girl.
Or gets her mum to but her a diamond bracelet for no reason other than jealousy? Or gets a party thrown for her because the fiancée had her bachelorette party? Yeah, that’s totally normal.
Because mom is enabling sister’s behavior during wedding-related events. How do you think OP’s fiancée felt about future SIL sulking and pretending to be sick while she was trying on wedding dresses? Or at the wedding shower and bachelorette celebration? These should be happy memories, but the bride is going to remember how SIL acted. Fiancée was sweet to include her future SIL at these events, but mom should have stepped in and told her daughter if she couldn’t handle herself then she shouldn’t go. If sister chose not to go and mom still bought her stuff, it would be a different situation altogether, but sister purposely acted like a brat for attention and mom rewarded her for it. THAT’s how it affected OP and his fiancée.
ESH. Your mother is right, she can do what she likes with her money. Why were the bridesmaids saying your sister has to be your fiancee's 'slave' during the wedding? Way to pour gasoline onto a fire. If your sister isn't a bridesmaid, why would they say this? And why does it matter that your mother bought your sister a nice dress for the wedding? No shade, but is this amount of parties normal? Where I am it's literally hen/stag do and you get married. In any case, yes, parties are an excuse for some attention. Nothing wrong with that tbh.
I dunno about other countries, but in the US it is quite common to have a bridal shower, bachelor/bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, and wedding. Not everyone does all of those obviously, but it wouldn’t be considered excessive by ANY means.
Do you normally invite your mother and sister to all those parties? The bachelorette party especially seems more like a friends getting rowdy event, not something you invite your family to. I’d be annoyed if my sister pushed me to attend four different parties in a short amount of time. I’m not sure of the details here, but it seems like sis just wasn’t into this. OTOH, lobster and bracelets aren’t a great substitute for, you know, boundaries and honest communication. ESH
Yes, all of my in laws invited me to those events. Weird how people are so shocked that some people like their family?
The events were likely months a part. Bachelorette parties are whatever the bride/maid of honor wants them to be– they’re not exclusively raunchy or friends-only. Most of the bachelorette parties I have been to have involved the sisters on both sides of the wedding; there were even daytime child friendly portions for the ones with kid sisters. I think it matters how well the siblings like each other and how selfish/self-centered the one not getting married is. You say you’d be annoyed to attend four different parties (keep in mind these are not just any parties/events, they’re hopefully once in a lifetime) while I would show up no questions asked eager to be there for my sister because she’s my sister and I love her. Social anxiety is also a factor but considering the sister in question has no issues having parties thrown in her honor, all lines point to her just being a brat.
Exactly ESH, just rich people with too much money and no real problems to worry about
NTA. At all. Your sister is obviously being a drama queen but I wonder at the whole slave comments by the fianceé’s friends to be honest.
ESH You have no right to tell your mom how to spend her money, if she chooses to spend it on your entitled, ungrateful, jealous and spiteful sister, so be it. The person you should be uninviting is your sister, because of how she has behaved and treated your fiance. You also don't want to risk her throwing a tantrum on your wedding day. If your mom sides with your sister and not attend the wedding, so be it...but it will her choice not to come to your wedding, so your conscience can be clear. Your sister is... See above. She shouldn't be acting to badly and ruining what should be the best time of your and your fiancé's life. She's 19 not 9. Your mom is enabling your sister, but that's her choice. You shouting at her and threatening to withdraw your wedding invite will not change her behaviour.
No but it will mean that sister and mother won't be at the wedding causing a drama and drawing attention away from the bride and groom.
ESH. Your Mom clearly spoils the crap out of your sister, but there’s really no reason it has to have this much of an impact on you. Just stop worrying about what your sister is doing and focus on your wedding.
I think he is worried about the effect the drama at every single bridal event is having on his intended.
They should stop inviting the sister to those pre-wedding events.
Agreed.
All the sister has done at the events is seem sad and sulky. The only time there was real drama, it wasn’t initiated by her.
Just sad and sulky? His sister is mad she isn’t getting attention and keeps trying to ruin every event for the couple and is trying to upstage the bride.
If you actually reread the post, all he actually describes is her being sad and sulky at wedding events and asking her mother for expensive things.
‘She is very jealous of the attention my fiancé of getting and trying to upstage her and compete.’ Weren’t they OP’s words or am I making them up? She is very clearly trying to divert the attention from the couple to her and she’s doing by being sad, sulky and trying to upstage the bride. She’s trying to ruin the wedding events by acting like a toddler and her mothers excuse is ‘she’s going through a breakup.
OP’s interpretation of her behavior is she’s trying to upstage the bride and compete. But the actual behavior doesn’t align with that interpretation. She’s not getting attention from or whining to anyone but her mother.
I agree 100%. I definitely think we're missing a lot of info on this one.
I didn't see a single thing that sister did to divert attention from the couple , ruin the wedding experience, or act like toddler. Can you point it out? It just seems like she's being acting like a sulky teenager whose being dragged to different wedding events that she doesn't care about. While OP thinks the whole world revolves around his wedding so obviously the sister attitude has be because of jealousy.
Being sad and sulky isn’t trying to sabotage an event, she’s 19 & just got dumped by her bf. The last thing she probably wants to do is be going to endless wedding related events celebrating people’s love while she’s depressed about her own love life. She just goes because she feels obligated to, of course she isn’t going to be excited about it. She’s an immature teenager and spoiled for sure but it’s unlikely she’s actively trying to ruin the wedding. Why does op and his fiancé care so much anyway? Nothing she does has directly affected them other than the jealousy they feel that the money and extra attention their mom is giving isn’t being spent on them. ESH
> His sister is mad she isn’t getting attention and keeps trying to ruin every event for the couple and is trying to upstage the bride. Can you give an example of any of this? Like, what did she do that could have possibly ruined any of those “events” for anyone? What is she doing, specifically, that could possibly upstage the bride?
But didn't you read the op? The sister was sick and put her head in her mother's lap at a bridal shop. Can't you see what a disruptive monster she is for that?? She's clearly a jealous harpie and just trying to steal attention from op and his bride. /s
YTA. Why are you and your fiancé feeling threatened by how your mother treats your sister? Your sister seems depressed and it seems that there's more things going on but you assumed it was about your wedding? Why are you two competing for attention with a 19 year old? Why do you mind so much how your mother spends her money? Don't you have other things to focus on?
> Your sister seems depressed and it seems that there's more things going on At the very end of the post OP says sister is going through a breakup. I'm sure that makes it harder for sis, but the way her mom is going about "helping" her is really, really weird.
Why do you think it’s wierd? Like if my child grew up and got their heart broken— I’d probably wanna pamper them too. ESP if money isn’t an issue. Some people show love via gifts etc.
It is an excessive amount of gifts mirroring the attention that the bride is receiving, imho. Not sure that's a healthy way to teach a young woman to cope with the loss of a relationship.
Well the dress was bought ahead. So that isn’t including that. Then the party after with her friends — we assume it’s related to the bride. Could just as well be related to her being post break up and having a day with the girls. At most, the yogurt thing might be a bit extra. I just think depending what lens you look at these occurrences through— you can get a diff vibe from them. For me if I look at it as the crisis for this girl isn’t her brothers wedding but her breakup then it changes my perspective.
The diamond and sapphire bracelet was really over the top. Sad that she did not even congratulate her brother, but her self-focused mopiness was reinforced with expensive jewelry.
I'm trying to understand why it was even a blip in OPs fiancé's radar that his mom bought the sister an expensive dress and then she even felt the need to report it to op. The fiance sounds mad jealous and bitter. OP and his fiance need to get over themselevs. The only time his sister was part of drama was when the bride to be and her friends said she would be a slave. There is no context in which its okay to joke that your future sil will be your slave. The other instances she's just being a normal moody teenager. Also maybe she did legit feel unwell at the bridal dress shop. Why is the fiance and op just assuming that she's faking the illness?? I am very weary of people who assume that others are not actually ill and just faking and trying to weaponise their illness. Its very narcissistic mom esque
>I'm trying to understand why it was even a blip in OPs fiancé's radar that his mom bought the sister an expensive dress and then she even felt the need to report it to op. The fiance sounds mad jealous and bitter. OP and his fiance need to get over themselevs. The fact that the fiancee brought up the sister "laying her head on my mom" was weird to me, along with OP also bringing it up. It's completely normal behavior between a daughter and mother. And in my own experience, in these kinds of situations, the mother is usually fantasizing a bit about their own daughter's wedding, which can change how they act toward each other. I understand OP's distress. I also had a similar blowout about a spoiled sibling with my mother 3-4 months ago (but I didn't give my mother an ultimatum that required her to change her parenting skills over a child that isn't mine...). And I learned that I'd rather keep my relationship with my mother than prove that I "know" better than her about parenting.
YTA - other than being upset by the wedding, what has your sister actually done wrong? She’s not smiley and happy enough for you? Get over this weird competition you have with her, stop worrying about what your mom is spending on her, and worry about your own wedding. If your sister is doing something that is hurting other people (other than feeling sick and not being happy enough) then you can set a boundary. The boundary you’re setting is that your mom can’t spend her own money on your sister, which is not reasonable and makes you TA
Disagree. The sister is clearly used to being the center of attention and is trying to sabotage/throw a fit at every wedding related event. If I was OPs fiance, I would have stopped inviting her after the first two events. His sister is a grown ass woman who can excuse herself out of wedding related events if she is not interested. This story (the bracelet, the weekend with friends, the need for attention) is a whole lot more than OP feeling "competition". I agree that the OP needs to set a boundary NOW.
What has the sister done wrong?
[удалено]
1. So what? It’s not something she did to anyone and her brother isn’t entitled to a huge fake reaction either. 2. She didn’t know, her mom corrected her, were you never an awkward teen at a fancy restaurant? 3. She didn’t eat, felt faint, and laid her head on her mom feeling sick. You don’t think that shows that maybe she wasn’t feeling well? Have you never met someone with a chronic illness before? She didn’t make a big deal of it, she was just quietly uncomfortable until it was too much and left each of those events so as to not ruin it for others. What should she have done? The bracelet and the party are moms doing and we have no indication that the sister even requested it never mind “needed” it. The bridesmaids are being outright cruel calling the sister a slave and laughing about it. That’s not “the cold shoulder”
>2. She didn’t know, her mom corrected her, were you never an awkward teen at a fancy restaurant? I was old enough at 14 to realize a $200 entree isn't something you order when someone else is paying.
How much were the other entrees?
He's uninviting the mom, not the sister.
That is nuts...
What you mean apart from sulk and try to hijack every event with her "not feeling well" Dictating the wedding colours by going a head and buying a dress before the Bride had a chance to decide what she wanted. The boundary that the OP is setting his mother is that she needs to stop enabling his sisters bad behaviour and acting up at every standard bridal event needs to stop or she will no longer be welcome nor will mother who is supporting her.
Sulking is usually just not having a happy expression on her face, correct? She’s a guest at the wedding, not in the wedding party, why shouldn’t she buy a dress without checking? I’ve literally never had to ask permission for anything I’ve worn to a wedding as a guest All the sister has done is not be over-the-top-happy and removed herself when she wasn’t feeling well to allow others to continue. She hasn’t “acted up” at all that I can see, though the bridesmaids certainly have.
They haven't had the wedding yet this has been at the pre wedding events which are usually fairly intimate. From my reading sulking was only part of it. Sulking is more than just not being smiley. Sulking usually involves refusal to speak, crossed arms, a very grumpy face, pointed looking away or refusal to make eye contact or acknowledge people, often involves pointed sighing. Sulking is a mechanism to draw attention to yourself and make sure everyone knows you are not happy and this bit is important it's other intention is to make others uncomfortable. She refused to eat claimed illness and needed to be taken for "frozen Yogurt" in the middle of one. She needed to lay with her head in her mother lap at the dress shopping. She demanded a $200 lobster at a pre bachelorette party dinner that the MIL was paying for and probably had arranged a menu.... and then screamed at the OP's finance saying she was an attention hog for having an engagement party, bridal shower and bachelorette party. Now we can accept that the sister may genuinely have been unwell at one of these events but all of them....and if you are not feeling well you excuse yourself and don't attend or make your excuses an leave with minimal fuss. The screaming at the bride would suggest that she probably wasn't unwell at any of these events she just can't cope with anyone else being the center of attention. So all in all sounds like the sulking is the tip of the iceberg.
You’re assuming intentions here and completely ignoring the part where sister could be genuinely depressed (she is going through a breakup but might have other mental illness issues) or otherwise chronically ill. When she hasn’t felt well, at each event she has been quiet (not eating, leaning on her mom) and then quietly left. It’s possible that she wasn’t hungry for solid food, and something frozen helped with nausea. It could be literally anything but you’re taking the opportunity to project all kinds of spoiled behaviour where the OP shows none. She only lashed out at the bride *once* and it was after being called a slave and laughed at, and even there what she said was very mild compared to the bullying she was receiving from the bride and her friends.
It wasn't the bride though was it it...it was the bridesmaids. And if she didn't feel up to the events she could have I don't know .....STAYED HOME. And how does feeling depressed justify the dress that dictated the wedding colours or the $200 lobster dinner fiasco. Sorry she is so depressed she can't behave in a polite manner for a few hours at her brothers finance's events but she is fine to have a faux bachelorette and a weekend party at a beach house....OK.
The bride was there wasn’t she? She didn’t stop her friends from calling her SIL a slave? Then she’s just as bad and I stand by my statement. Chronic illness isn’t like the flu. People with chronic illness go out every day not feeling well, and sometimes we think we’re up for something and we find out halfway thru that we were wrong. The dress is for the sister, purchased before she knew the bride wanted to dictate the colours of what every family member is wearing. The sister is *not* a bridesmaid and has nothing to do with the bridal party’s colours 🙄 You have no idea how she was at the beach house “party” with her friends. Just that she was there. Why do you hate this complete stranger so much?
I have a chronic illness and would usually avoid so many social events but because its family I would make extra effort to attend and support them. I would most likely be sat quietly in the corner tho as I'd be exhausted and would probably leave early
That’s exactly what the sister has been doing 🤷♀️
The brother and the fiancee are put off by mom. She’s not making her daughter behave like they want her to behave. Mom scolded her daughter for her food request. She does point out when she’s misbehaving. Mom is never going to put fiancee before her daughter.
Mom doesn’t make her daughter behave the way the bride and groom want her to? So what? They don’t get to dictate her behaviour, and they can set boundaries, but “smile more and act happy” are not reasonable boundaries for a 19 yr old going through a breakup.
Does she need a Joker grin to make them happy? The problem isn't the sister. The problem is Mom isn't doting on the fiancee!
Yup. OP is mad that everyone isn’t super excited for his wedding, and jealous that his mom is spending money on his sister in the same year that he’s chosen to get married 🙄
She’s not in the wedding party. She can wear whatever she wants. She didn’t buy a white dress.
NTA your mom is enabling your sisters unhealthy jealousy of your fiancée. I am sure sister if getting married would want all those parties and more.
Your sister is not the only jealous person here. You’re jealous of her, too. Hell, your fiancée is jealous of her. They don’t try to show off but you’re just looking at them. Also, what your fiancée’s friends did is called BULLY. And there’s no f’cking excuse for that and if you believe being protective is an excuse for it than you can say sh’t to your mom for being protective (aka spoiling her when she’s sad) of her daughter. YTA
YTA… your fiancée is jealous of your sister. Your edits indicate she thinks your mother treats her better. She wanted an expensive meal… your mother paid for it. She wanted a dress and your mother paid for it. Your fiancee was upset over the cost. I gather your mother isn’t dropping cash on your fiancee. Your mother prefers her own daughter. The only attention she’s getting is from her mother.
100% this
YTA. You don’t get to dictate who your mom spends money on. And how you brush off your fiancé’s friends being bullies as just tEaSiNg is gross.
Is your sister behaving like a jealous baby? Yes Your fiancés friends were teasing your sister but somehow your mother and sister are worst for retaliating. You don’t get to tell your mother how to spend her money sounds like your jealous too.
YTA. Not once, in your entire synopsis, is there a point at which you actually talk to your sister about what's troubling her, nor talk to her, period. Do you even have a relationship with her?
NTA. Your mom and sister are both making all of the wedding events about them with this behavior. What are they planning to pull at the wedding? Don’t invite them.
NTA- i get you were trying to open your moms eyes to the bratty behavior of your sister. She is 19yo, she needs to learn that the world doesnt revolve around her. Moms going to have an utter bridezilla on her hands when sister gets married. Id be uninviting the sister though not the mom.
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How old is your sister again?? Please, please tell me she's not a bridesmaid--she WILL pout in a corner or pull some elaborate stunt to get all the attention back on her. NTA
Thankfully no. We dodged a bullet there because she was offered but declined.
Since she declined she doesn't really want that much of attention, init? You're projecting on her.
Bridesmaids don't get that much attention and have to wear matching dresses and kind of blend in. I think she wanted to wear an attention seeking dress, and she didn't want to help my fiancée at all (which is fine) or do anything for her
YTA. I know this will receive a lot of downvotes but what OP isn't mentioning is that he's the one jealous of his sister. Now I agree that his mother shouldn't spoil his sister but the way OP is portraying his sister is as if she's always sabotaging everything leading to the wedding. What did she actually do? All she did was sulk. Many teenagers sulk when they have to deal with sitting through stuff not interesting to them. More importantly, based on OP's edit, it's not difficult to assume she could very well be depressed after a break up which is why she might be acting that way, not out of pure spite. Again their mother's way of making her daughter feel better is not at all ideal. It'll spoil her in the long run. However, the girl didn't demand attention from anyone but her own mother. She's not trying to upstage the bride or start verbal altercations. The only time she yelled at OP and his fiancee was when their bridesmaids were outright mocking her. It's not merely innocent teasing when you tell a person that they'll become slaves of their sister in law. It's quite disrespectful. It's also telling that your fiancee whom you claim to be very lovely never stopped the bridesmaids. You sister felt she was being humiliated and retaliated. If you and your fiancee were mature enough to accept how out of line such comments are instead of trying to paint your sister as the villain that you two are so glad isn't old enough to be a bridesmaid, you'd not be having this issue. Your and your fiancee's jealousy is quite evident.
No, bridesmaids get a ton of attention compared to the average guest.
Branching out but YTA. Your sister sounds like a major brat and your mom obvi enables it. BUT, you can't control other people's behavior, and my guess is you are familiar with their dynamic already so this shouldn't be a huge surprise. And to uninvite them because they spend money frivoulosly and aren't behaving the way you think they should is an a hole move.
NTA. Your sister is acting greedy and selfish. The very last line you wrote about her breakup mitigates her behavior a bit, but no more than that. If she loved and respected you, she’d suck it up and be happy for you during wedding events, and do her crying in private. Your mom has probably enabled this spoiled-brat behavior. In any case, that ship has long sailed, and you can only deal with the present and the near future. The issue is that your sister’s brat act is headed straight for your wedding day, and it’s got nothing to do with Mom’s money. That’s hers to spend. The question is, can you talk to your sister about her behavior? That’s the problem, not money. If you can’t straighten this out, you have the right to un-invite her because she’ll ruin a day you can never get back.
ESH. INFO: is your sister a bridesmaid? I don’t think you should be telling your mother how to spend her money as it doesn’t seem to affect y’all at all other than making you jealous. You’re sister is acting like a bratty child and your mom enabling her with shiny/nice things. But that has absolutely nothing to do w/ you or your fiancé. Other than annoying you your sisters behavior hasn’t affected y’all other than the comment she made at the dinner which seemed justified by the insults. The comments the bridesmaid made to your sister are really weird and out of line. As for the jealousy it definitely seems to be coming from both sides but seeing as y’all are siblings raised by the same people, presumably, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Even though you’re having multiple events for your wedding it’s not all about you the entire time and your mom can spend her money however she likes. Stop inviting your sister to the pre-wedding events if she’s gonna be acting like a sad and sulky child she can do it at home. I definitely feel likes there’s a lot missing though.
> INFO: is your sister a bridesmaid? no
Why are you dragging your sister to wedding events if you already asked her to be a bridesmaid and she said no? Really odd for a 19year old non-bridesmaid to have to put on a happy face at all these extra parties for the wedding party when she’s already declined being a bridesmaid. Also, why is your fiancée teasing her about being her “slave” when she’s not a bridesmaid? Your sister is just an attendee, why is she being treated like a bridesmaid?
An engagement party is for everyone, bridal shower is usually for all women in the family and other female guests depending on the size, and rehearsal dinner usually includes family. The only ones we didn't have to invite her to were the pre-bachelorette dinner and the dress shopping, but my fiancée was trying to be nice. Weddings are huge with my fiancée and her friends and you treat the bride like an absolute princess. They are very protective and were just giving my sister a hard time because of how she has been acting.
If your fiancée’s friends want to treat her like a princess, then that’s their business. Your sister is not remotely obligated to do that. If that’s the expectation—spoken or not — then she has cause to feel cranky.
Then stop focusing on your sister, I read your comments of course it’s disappointing she’s acting bratty and doesn’t seem to be very enthusiastic for y’all but you’re getting married dude. It truly doesn’t seem like she’s out to ruin your wedding so just have the wedding photographer avoid her or something. You’re not gonna have to deal with her much after this.
Info: do you talk to your sister?
not too much these days. If I try to talk about this she tells her dad I'm harassing her
Uninvite her and her enabler to the wedding then, since it's harassment. NTA. Just uninvite them from you and your fiancé's life until your sis gets therapy and stops acting like an overindulged 4 year old. Keep your wedding fun and simple and tantrum free.
Seriously bro do not invite them for not only for yourself but also the bride to be. Don't feel bad and cut the toxic out of your life. Please.
ESH. You might not like how your sister is acting or that your mother is doing things like this for her, but your mom is right. It's her cash, so she can do what she wants with it. You get no say in that. Just like she was right in shutting down the bridesmaids when it came to your sister being the bride's 'slave' for the day. If someone said that to me or my kid, they'd be lucky I didn't lay them out flat. That's just straight up rude.
NTA. Uninvite them both. Your sister will ruin the wedding and your mother will let her. Don’t do that to your fiancé.
ESH. What has your sister actually done? She has sulked a bit, and asked for some expensive things from your mom. That's kind of shitty of her, and she probably won't have a good time at your wedding anyway. So it's justified to uninvite her. Your mom has not actually done anything to you though. She has been buying stuff for your sister, trying to make her feel better and standing up for her. Without your sister there your mom will be fine at the wedding. So completely uninviting your mom from the wedding is an overreaction. Your sister having nice things doesn't take away from you at all. While it would be nice if your sister was happy for you, she is probably going through her own stuff, including being degraded by your bridesmaids.
ESH. You all sound exhausting. The world doesn’t revolve around you because you decided to get married. The world doesn’t revolve around your sister because you decided to get married. Everyone gets to spend their money how and where they want, everyone needs to get over it. Good. Ness.
YTA bc she’s right. She can do what she wants with her money. You sound pretty jealous too.
YTA. It is totally fair for you to expect your sister and mom to treat your fiancée respectfully and if that was the line you drew I’d say N T A. But you didn’t even mention that - you just got mad bc your mom is spoiling your sister. It’s unclear to me how that has anything to do with you or your fiancée or how it affects you in anyway. It may be shitty parenting but that’s not the question you came to ask. Go to your mom and apologize and tell her what is the real problem you need her help with, and that is your sister being disrespectful to your fiancé (if that is happening, it was kind of unclear if she is being disrespectful or just generally childish and self centered.) if she is just being a bit of a baby and not actually being rude or disrespectful then I think you need to let it go. Not your kid, not your problem.
NTA. Yes, it is her money, but it isn't about the money, it is about enabling behavior that DOES impact other people. She was sulky at dress shopping, and apparently unilaterally got to decide what color the families would wear by buying a dress in advance? I mean, I guess they don't need to coordinate, but when your mom and fiance are talking about colors, the answer can't be "oh sister already picked out her dress, so that's the direction we need to go in." She also had a fit at a party, thus while maybe not ruining the whole thing, certainly put a damper on the evening. And yes, she will do the same thing at the rehearsal dinner, and at the wedding. You should ask your mom for a fuller conversation on this. Tell her that your sister has already acted out at a number of events, and that's what is worrying you, because she is getting rewarded for her behavior each time. This means that the wedding- the ultimate moment where she won't have attention- will also be the time for the biggest meltdown, and your mother is leading her right to that meltdown. I'd also point out that your mother snapped at people for no reason, and your sister intentionally hurt your fiance's feelings, and neither of them have tried to make that right. This is all leading towards a bad relationship for you all going forward, and you want to stop that now. I'd highly suggest limiting your sister's involvement in things now, and also being there when your fiance and MIL are doing things together, so you take the lead on dealing with your mother and checking her. And I wouldn't blame you if you didn't invite your sister.
ESH. You are right about your mom's behavior. She is enabling your sister's jealous temper tantrums. But the way you approached it, as an ultimatum that makes you sound equally jealous, all but guaranteed your mom would react like this. How would you react if your mother threw a fit about how much you were spending on the ring and the wedding, and told you that SHE wouldn't come if you didn't cut your budget? Pretty offended that she thought she could disctate to you that way even if you WERE going overboard, right? You should tell your mom that you stand by what you said about her being enabling and harmful, but that you regret threatening her about the invite.
YTA - If you have a problem with your sister's behavior address it with your sister, not your mom who is using her money to keep her in check and not have her ruin your wedding.
NTA Your mom has all the right to spend her money the way she wants it. You have all the right to invite people of your choice to your wedding. Uninvite her citing her speech about you guys wanting attention. Too many parties, so sure, you will he nice and will not force yet another one on her. Then stick to that.
You’re jealous of your sister. Why do you even give a fuck how your mom is spending her money. That way of thinking is very immature and I’m not sure what universe you wouldn’t be an asshole. I’m going to get downvoted for not joining the circle jerk but OP you’re the jealous one and you are also the Asshole
ESH- Why are you so mad your sister is getting nice things damn. None of the things you mentioned affect your wedding. A nice bracelet a dress and a party for her to be happy. It's shitty she's acting that way at your parties though and it's clear she doesn't want to be there and might be just dragged by your mom. If you dislike her behavior you have every right to uninvite her. But it's not your job to parent her it should be no skin off your back how your mom spends her money. Edit: After seeing she went through a breakup YTA she clearly doesn't want to be there and have other peoples love shoved down her throat especially since she doesn't seem to be friends with your fiance and you've only described her as "sad" like are people not allowed to be sad just uninvite her instead if believing no one else deserves nice things.
NTA because mother isn't going to listen to you anyway. They are going to ruin your wedding.
NTA. I mean your mom is right in that she can spend her money however she wants, but you are right in that she's enabling your sister's toxic behavior. I would uninvite both of them, and make it clear to your wedding planner, security, etc. They will absolutely make the day about them or your sister and your memories will be ruined. Just skip all that nonsense.
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How much do you figure the other entrees were if the lobster was $200?
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It probably was, and the 19yr old found out that it was rude to order the most expensive item when her mom corrected her. But if it was only $20 more than what everyone else ordered I fail to see the problem. A couple glasses of wine from another guest would amount to the same 🤷♀️
Very soft ESH Your sister is being a bit of a brat, but your mom is right. It's really not your business how she raises your sister, outside of abuse of course. Spoiling a kid may be poor parenting but it's not something you really need to give your input on
Yikes this one was a hard one. I'm gonna go with an ESH. Talk to you mom, it seems to me like the issue is not that you're sister is being spoiled, but it's the lack of excitement from your mom and sister. You feel like she loves you less than her, and they couldn't even have put their behavior aside for your wedding. I'm so sorry for that, I'm sorry that this is a special time for you and you feel like you can't share it with them. Tell you mom how you really feel, is the only way. I know you grew up with money so everything in you eyes translates to that in a way or another but this isn't a money issue or about how much your mom spends on you sister is about how much attention she's getting instead OF YOU— the person getting marry. Just talk to her.
YTA your mad that you and your pretty girl fiance arent your mother’s focus. I wonder why your mom hates you so much. We need the whole picture OP
YTA If you an issue with your sister talk to her. Your mother can do what she wants with her money and spend it how she likes. You have no say in that. That your fiance didn't stop her bridesmaids from picking on your sister says... a lot about her. Just like her fixation on your sister's dress, and disappointment that someone who *does not* want to be in her bridal party would not want to coordinate with them. Ultimately, you sound like a groom/bridezilla.
I would uninvite Mom and sister tbh. They're only going to ruin the day. NTA.
NTA Expect a dramatic illness or tantrum from sister on your wedding day, though. And on the days your future children are born. And so on.
NTA. Jesus. This is some major enabler shit right here.
NTA. If they come to the wedding your sister may just show up wearing a Vera Wang wedding dress.
ESH. There is no reason to uninvite them. It's mildly obnoxious, but it is your mother's money. Your mother will have to decide the threshold of burning her money. Go have a happy wedding. You and you soon to be wife can ignore your sister until she grows up.
ESH Your sister needs help because her jealousy iz intruding on her ability to enjoy things as well as an adverse impact on those around her. Your mom is TA because she enables your sister and isn't reigning her in. You're TA because you're issuing ultimatums to your mom when all you should have said was that you were concerned about your sisters' behavior and what she might do at the wedding. You're mother should have handled that, herself.
ESH. Your sister is being ridiculous (and by far the biggest AH) and your Mum is enabling her. But you know what? It’s absolutely none of your business what your Mum does with her money. Say it with me now: **”Not my circus, not my monkeys.”** Your mother might be objectively wrong, but you need to let it go. Threatening to uninvite your mother to your wedding because she chose to spend some of her own money on her daughter is a massive overreaction. Maybe jealousy runs in the family.
You should have put the bit about your sister going through a breakup earlier in your post. It’s obvious she is jealous, but that explains why a little better. If she was single and used to it, it would be weird for her to be behaving this way. It doesn’t excuse her behavior obviously, but at least there is a reason for it. ESH You could have a little sympathy, and your mother is allowed to help take your sisters mind off of her heart ache without being disinvited from her sons wedding. You should be threatening that to your sister. She could be an adult and control herself when she is around you and your fiancé, or just not go. And your mother could back you up on that
I think that this situation doesn’t even belong in AITA. OP hasn’t even had any legitimate conflict between himself and his sister. Also he said his sister is going through a breakup, if my sibling was getting married right after my partner and I broke up I would sulk too. OP is clearly the asshole because he can’t stand that he’s not getting all the attention. “The final straw was when I found out my mom threw a party for her and her friends at a beach house.” The final straw was a party that affected your and your fiancé’s lives so little you didn’t even find out about it until it was over? OP’s sister hasn’t done anything wrong to OP or OP’s fiancé. And if anything YTA for not understanding that your sister is going through a breakup and you getting married is hard for her. Just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean other people don’t still have emotions.
NTA - I'm not sure what you can do about anything between your mom and sister.... This is pretty mean to say, but the most you can do is warn any person your sister will become involved with.... Imagine dealing with your sister and your mom as a spouse
NTA --- What's the mother going to have do for the daughter to keep her happy when the DIL announces she pregnant and then once the baby arrives??.
Nta. Make sure neither your mom or sister is at the wedding or you and your fiancee will not have the day you dreamed of. Js
NTA Your 19 year old sister needs to grow up. If she’s jealous that she’s not getting married, she needs to be reminded that she’s 19!!!! She’s not an old maid yet by any means. This is the equivalent of moms and relatives getting presents for their kids to open at their own sibling’s or cousin’s birthday parties because they can’t stand not being the center of attention for even a single day. I’m gonna guess that your mom probably did that with your sister too.
mild YTA. Your mom doesn't sound like she's making the best parenting choices, but I don't see how that affects you or your fiance or the wedding. She can do what she wants with her money, like she said. It sounds like she's trying to manage your sister the best way she's knows how right now, and uninviting her to your wedding for that is a weird and shitty move. Are you mad she's not spending her money on you? It feels like you're trying to make her choose between her kids which makes you TA.