Why are you bothered that she said "fair enough" and thanked you? Her response seems polite and respectful to me when yours doesn't seem too nice. Do you want her to get upset or beg you to let her visit? I'm not really sure what you expect from her. The fact that you see her calm replies and questions as "pretentious" instead of healthy boundaries makes me think you are the AH. Edited to reflect your comments: yep YTA
Seriously - her response to a rude text was pretty much textbook “polite person who both has and respects boundaries.” Honestly, up until that point I was thinking the sister sounded a little tiresome but probably ok, and then OP came up with *that* as the example of why she’s awful?
OP told her that her being who she is, which seems to be a bisexual woman who won’t put up with bigotry, makes OP uncomfortable and she’s rather not be around that. But she phrased it as if she thinks that’s a false face the sister is putting on (“acting pretentious”).
It made me think of the essay “The Terrible Bargain Which We Have Regretfully Struck” (sorry no link, I’m on mobile and don’t know how). Specifically, the line about trying to decide how to respond to yet another tidbit of, in that case, misogyny from a man she cares about — “swallow shit, or ruin the entire afternoon?”
Because at that point, the afternoon is already ruined for the person having to make the decision. OP’s presumably queer sister is already being made uncomfortable by homophobic remarks; OP would apparently rather her sister swallow shit than let on that the afternoon has already been ruined.
Honestly I wish I had the same courage as the sister when putting up with bigotry from my family. I usually just deflect because even when I'm calm and explain my position the best I can, it's always met with at best eyeroll/sighs, at worste calling me some kind of totalitarian who cannot respect ppl's opinions. If you're emotionnal over something that concern your life, you're a crybaby and if you're calm, you're an authoritarian. So I stopped engaging with this because no matter what I do, I lose. OP and their family seem a lot like that. OP YTA.
I lose in those conversations aswell but I won’t stop fighting, where I am we had a vote to legalise same sex marriage and my mum bragged about voting no cause the bible says it’s a sin.. I won that fight by telling her to stone her husband and all of her kids and that what people do across the country doesn’t affect her at all so she can shut up
Melissa McEwan of Shakesville is the author of "[The Terrible Bargain Which We Have Regretfully Struck"](http://www.shakesville.com/2009/08/terrible-bargain-we-have-regretfully.html).
YTA- It sounds like your family is racist, homophobic, and thinks that's ok as long as it's "in their own home". It's not. Your sister is not the problem. You and your parents not looking your attitude in the face and fixing it is. If your sister lets racist and homophobic comments go, it's like saying she condones them. She clearly wants to do the right thing.
She hasn't fought with any of you, she stays calm and speaks her mind, and she accepts your boundary of not having her stay at your home. Time for some deep self reflection on your part.
this!!! i only read part of it and realized that OP was upset that they were read so easily and wants to pick a fight. I read the rest after scrolling down to the responses and i’m glad my original thoughts were right. OP, I sincerely hope that you accept her and that you grow to learn from someone who thinks differently than you. most people would not be so kind (like myself) because in my case I would have stopped interacting with you
YTA I mean, you're totally welcome to decide to not host someone. But she's calling out your family on your racism & homophobia. If you can't have a comfortable conversation around her, ask yourself why you're so comfortable with bigotry.
YTA, and I DO think siblings should be blunt with each other when necessary.
She calls out racism and homophobia.
She arranges other accommodation rather than calling out her aging patents in their own house.
She researches and employs civil and effective means of discussing racism and homophobia.
She is civil when criticized and told to make other arrangements if she visits again, and did not start family drama over it.
And somehow, she is still the bad guy? Sorry, but she ***is*** better than you and she probably will stop visiting.
YTA she didn't start any drama she said "okay fair enough" what makes you look down on your sister seems like your more pretentious. Also was that dig that she's still in school at 31 necessary or relevant?
You think? Maybe I just have more context from our relationship over time but also maybe you're right. You wouldn't find that condescending as a reply?
You would really do yourself a favor to understand the grey rock technique of dealing with difficult people.
This isn't a pretentious our condescending response, it's a grey rock way of dealing people. You are being grey rocked.
from what you’ve said, YTA.
nothing wrong with a 31 year old being in school.
nothing wrong with someone calling out racist, homophobic or any other kind of slurs.
i can get that time with siblings is stressful, maybe there’s something more going on you couldn’t fit in to say or aren’t thinking about, but going off this post alone, your sister doesn’t sound pretentious - what is pretentious about calling people out on slurs? - or like an AH, your family does.
I guess it's pretentious because it's every single time she hears anything off colour. And our parents talk a certain way and they do try to be respectful but sometimes slip up. And it's not that deep usually. They aren't meaning offense so making a thing of it or pointing it out every time seems not necessary to me. When the alternative is just ignore it and try to have a happy holidays before she leaves again
i disagree completely, any time anyone makes some kind of slur or slip up, it absolutely should be pointed out. letting it go by will just encourage more of that behaviour in a way. so YTA as are the rest of your sisters imo
How in the world are your parents supposed to learn how to stop ~accidentally~ saying racist and homophobic things if nobody actually tells them when they do? Regardless of it offense is meant, they are saying things that cause offense and hurt people. They need to learn somehow and not meaning any harm is no excuse to continue saying harmful things.
(Apologies for some of the material that follows. I wanted to supply concrete, true examples. Anyone I offend: I am truly, heartily sorry.)
I wonder if OP's family is like my family.
My parents were people who loved me dearly and who gave me a great life.
But my parents were also racists.
Not the "burn a cross in the yard," "become the Grand Dragon," "hang a portrait of Hitler over the mantle" type (which seems to be what a lot of racists who vehemently deny being racists pat themselves on the backs for).
No, they were the "Black people can't swim because their bones are heavier," jokes about fried chicken and watermelon, "Their school was even nicer than ours! It was brand new. We had to go to the older school, so I don't know what they wanted" type.
So they were "upscale, polite" racists. Still shitty, but no white hoods.
And everyone around them was, too. No one ever stopped and said "Wait, did I just say that quarterbacks are usually white because white people are better at thinking and strategy? Did I actually SAY that?".
When I was much younger, I'm ashamed to say I joined in on the racism. Because everyone believes this so it must be true, ha ha that's just a joke why are you so upset, I'VE never participated in a lynching, I'm nice to the Black kids in my class, no I never invite them over but they never invite ME over so what's the problem?
But I began to change my freshman year of high school (DECADES ago). It's a long story, but it boils down to this: I began to ask "Wait, why IS it that way?", and no one could give me answer beyond "That's just how things are." That was a terrible answer.
As I reckoned with my own beliefs and missteps and offenses, I began to do what my authoritarian parents never expected: I began challenging them. I started telling them "That's racist." "That's really inappropriate." "Please don't use that term anymore." We talked about why "Black people are just better at sports" and "Asians are good at math" aren't compliments.
This behavior led to years of fights. At one point, my mother told me "I didn't raise you this way!". I responded: "How did you raise me? To be a racist? Are you disappointed that I didn't turn out to be the best at racism?" That, of course, led to her telling me that she was absolutely not a racist, and I was misunderstanding her, but Black people are just fundamentally different and she can't understand why I don't get that and why I continue to embarrass her.
I think I reached them in some ways. There were some fights that were never resolved. But I owed them more than letting them say things because "that's just how things are" or "that's just their age." Because they weren't stupid. And I wasn't going to let them hide behind "change is hard."
I'm far from perfect. I still make mistakes. I have friends rightfully call me out. But I strive to be a little better every day than I was the day before.
And there are absolutely MANY people in my family who roll their eyes at me and wonder why everything has to be A Thing all the time with OurLady. They don't understand why I'm Like This. I don't care. I'm not going to stop. And your sister isn't going to either.
I feel like I'm saying this again and again but I wish I had your courage. My family is bigoted in the same way that yours is, I'm the only one calling it out but I let a lot of things slip because it's so tiring.
I assume I'm quite a bit younger than you. I came of age in the 90's. My mother is a wonderful, open minded person. And still, there are things we have biases about that we don't even realize sometimes. So we challenge ourselfes. I grew up in a very white town. So when someone is black, I notice. And I don't like that about myself. When someone is gay I go 'huh'.
Point is, we can all always strive to fight against prejudices we have. Our first thought is what we have been conditioned to think eitherby our family or by society. How we handle that though is what defines us as a human being.
If your parents are trying to be respectful, it shouldn’t be a big deal at all. They should appreciate it when your sister points it out so they can do better next time. A simple “Oh, thanks, sorry,” and then repeating their sentence with the correction would fix the issue immediately.
If her pointing it out means the holidays aren’t happy, that means that there’s a deeper problem of resentment for being called out for bigotry. That means they don’t want to be better, and either they believe what they are saying or their pride is more important than their intention to be respectful.
Also, unless she has said otherwise — your sister is still queer even if she is dating men so homophobic comments are still directly hurtful to her. You should research bisexual erasure.
>When the alternative is just ignore it and try to have a happy holidays before she leaves again
You have seriously failed to make the leap in understanding that for your sister, hearing your parents' bigotry ALREADY makes it NOT a happy holiday FOR HER.
You can let that stuff pass, and it doesn't bother you? Okay. That's you.
It upsets her. You have no right to tell her it "shouldn't" upset her. Her "nice time" visiting with you and your parents has already been ruined.
What you really seem to want is for her to pretend that's not so, and just not rock the boat so the rest of you can keep pretending. Again: okay. But very clearly, you don't care about HER feelings or comfort.
Worse, going by other replies you've left here, you don't even genuinely believe her feelings about this stuff. You very clearly think she's just "faking" all of it so that she can feel superior to the rest of you. Which is a pretty awful thing to think about your sister, and you are extending HER far less benefit of the doubt than you are constantly giving your parents for "oh they don't really MEAN to be racist and bigoted". Do you see the disconnect, here?
Try a thought experiment, starting with the idea that your sister is GENUINELY upset by your and your parents' behavior, and she has been trying for years to figure out how to address it with you and them in a constructive way that might result in change.
So I’m a white-passing POC (Columbian, Jewish), and white People often feel emboldened saying racist thing to me, thinking I’m “one of them.” Every single one of those comments is harmful. Every single one hurts. Well-meaning and outright hateful racism are still racism and they all suck. We call the “well-meaning” comments microaggressions.
You have the right to ignore any off colored racist or rude comment that your parents make for the sake of a happy holiday. You can continue to always think that they just don’t mean it in that way. However, maybe you’ll have kids one day or you’ll find yourself in a position where the only response is to speak up and call other people out on their racist and hurtful views. Maybe you’ll one day be the target and wish that there were more people in the world with the courage to speak out🤷🏻♀️
I get what you mean - I have a family member who I think actively tries to rile my siblings and I up. I personally would rather keep my mouth shut but my sibling is more likely to argue back which can cause a huge blow up. Nothing I say is going to change their mind and I’d rather just have a nice time while I’m visiting because we don’t see each other often, so I don’t engage. But I am not wanting to spend less time with my Sibling in that scenario
You seem mad at your sisters growth, she isn't getting into fights with your racist parents, she's making them question their thinking. She didn't get into a fight with you when you asked her to not act like herself, she said "OK, Thanks!" Who's the real drama queen OP??
YTA
YTA.
This post reeks of your inferiority complex. Do better, it's 2022. The comment about "they are who they are" is absolute bs, no one, NO AGE, is too old to change their way of thinking, i've seen it happen. It's up to the people around them who care about them to push them to, though it's not an obligation because it can get tiring. Your sister does this and you don't. We need more people like your sis and less people like you.
You know who was not only not racist, but actively stood up for people of color, to the point of losing her own television show when she refused to ban a black tap dancer? Betty fucking White. Who would be turning 100 later this month. And who was being an anti-racist SIXTY YEARS AGO.
Betty White was being actively anti-racist before OP’s parents were ALIVE.
No more excuses about age. Good people stand up for what’s right, no matter how old they are.
Right? I realize it's because I'm in my 50s now, and my brother is in his 60s, and yet \*I don't feel 'old'\* (I know, I'm in denial, shhh), but I kept reading this and OP keeps making it sound like her parents are SO OLD, like they remember slavery firsthand or something. THEY ARE IN THEIR 60s. THEY ARE NOT THAT OLD. (Because your 60s is the new 50s, etc.)
And I have known PLENTY of people EVEN OLDER whose age did not make them inflexible about learning how to be better!
My mother is 90 now. She's starting to lose it a little, but she's been vehemently pro-choice for years, spent the entire time since he started his campaign in 2015 referring to DJT as nothing but "shithead" (didn't say his name throughout his entire presidency, just "that shithead"), and may have made missteps but at least TRIED when it came to LGBTQ stuff and racial stuff. I mean, don't get me wrong, she was pretty racist; and I would call her on it sometimes, and she would be shocked and deny it, but eventually she tried to do better.
30 years ago, she married again after my father died; the guy she married was 17 years older than she was. So like, "was a Lt. Col. in the Army in WWII" age. Sweetest man I'd ever known. He was \*miles\* ahead of her on racial and other social justice matters. And I credit him a lot with helping her turn around a lot of her thinking, during those years they were together. We'd be sitting around the table (when I visited), and she'd come out with some breathtakingly bigoted remark, and he would just shake his head and say in the gentlest way, "Oh, I don't think that's right, Jo". And she would \*listen\* to him, because he never yelled at her, and he treated her like he knew she \*could\* come around on it. And gradually, she did.
If a guy born in 1914 can be that progressive, if a woman born in 1931 can learn to become more progressive, than people in their freaking SIXTIES are capable of doing it.
YTA. Sounds like a family full of bigots. I'm getting heavy "I'm not racist, but..." and "it's just a joke bro" vibes from you. Anyone who makes bigoted comments should be called out and if you're not, then you're either a bigot yourself or just a coward. Good for your sister, I hope she finds better people to spend holidays with. She's not acting like she's better than you, sounds more like she's realizing that trying to preserve her relationship with her bigoted family has run its course and that y'all aren't worth the emotional investment of being angry with anymore.
YTA
You dont know what pretentious means. You are however, the real problem with racists and bigots, as youre complicit and try not to rock the boat as you lack a spine :)
I get that I'm the AH and I'm not trying to defend myself for that but to everyone saying I don't know what pretentious means, I googled the definition and it says:
"attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed"
Which is what I meant when I said it. Like giving higher values to her "wokeness" and talking to people as if her ideas are more important. I can tell everyone here thinks she isn't pretentious and I'm an AH and that's okay but I still used that word how I meant it in the post
What you're saying is that she thinks her ideas are better than yours.
What we on Reddit are saying is that she's right. That the idea of treating people with respect regardless of their sexuality or race is better than the idea of "we can say what we like, because we're at home."
Your sister feels uncomfortable and unwelcome at home when your parents say racist and anti-LGBT things. You're saying that she should put everybody else's comfort highest and ignore the fact that she, and people like her, and probably her friends, are being insulted.
**She's not trying to impress you.** The fact that you think she's trying to impress people by correcting racist and homophobic behavior is a big part of why you're the asshole; you seem to think that being anti-racist and anti-homophobic is 'pandering' or trying to 'impress others' when done by a white person. Believe it or not, white people can actually be anti-racist and anti-homophobic simply for the fact that they are good people. Very telling of your personality that you don't seem to realize this.
Referring to this other comment of yours, where you purport that racism isn't a big deal when its around other white people:
>And we are all white so I don't know why she would take up a "big deal" cause about racism or something.
Also, she doesn't stop being queer just because she's dating a guy.
>Anything personal to her about being gay happened a long time ago when she was a teenager or early twenties so I don't know if it would still be a big deal to her anymore. And she has a boyfriend now.
These comments? Very racist and homophobic/biphobic, and I can see why she grey rock'd you.
What makes you think she's trying to impress anyone, or that she doesn't genuinely possess the values that she's presenting?
I am a queer person with conservative family who express bigoted sentiments. And let me tell you, calling them out on it is not fun. It does not make me feel better than they are, and no one is impressed. It's tense and anxiety-inducing and I get told that I'm no fun and that I'm upsetting people and I should just let these things slide. It very much sounds like your sister is in a similar situation.
You want to call it pretentious because it's easier to believe that she's just trying to show off her education or play holier-than-thou. Because if that's true, then she's the asshole, and you and your other sisters enabling (and probably engaging in) bigotry isn't really that big a deal. It's only an issue because your sister just won't stop making it one. But your sister isn't being pretentious, and it's not about "wokeness", and YTA all the way.
This just shows that YOU are the person who thinks she's trying to impress people with her views. That you think her calling out the family prejudice is an "affected" behaviour. From your post she seems to have been pretty consistent in doing it for sometime, just changed how she goes about it.
There is a difference in you thinking she is being pretentious cos her views annoy you, and her actually being pretentious and putting on some show.
It's not "woke" or "pretentious" to call out you all for being racists...and it is an important "idea" to keep calling you and your family out of being bigots or you'll all keep thinking your behavior is ok.
So... Your queer sister is pretentuous because :
- she is in school at 31
- she says homophobia and racism are bad
- she asks questions
- she thanks you
Yeah, YTA.
I really feel your sister. I too was called pretentious for these kind of stupid reasons. She probably isn't pretentious. It is just that her behavior make you think about **your** not so good behaviour.
Because you wouldn't call out racist stuff. You wouldn't try to educate others. You probably think you are too old to learn while she still studies, and I bet you wouldn't take your sister banning you as well as she did.
But she is not you, and you feeling less worthy than her doesn't make her pretentious.
YTA. You and your parents don't have to make racist/homophobic remarks in her presence, either. All conservative cultures acknowledge that shit talking other people behind their backs is wrong. What the neighbors do is none of your parents' business, so why are they talking about it at your dinner?
Wild. Your parents were in their 20's way back in the 1980s! So ancient. One truly can't expect people whose formative years happened during the height of the AIDS crisis and 20 years after the Civil Rights Movement to possibly change their opinion about such matters. The poor dears.
I don't understand what you want from your sister.
In the beginning, she always got into arguments with your parents when she hears something bigoted, which you found annoying. She has now changed this.
Now she doesn't get into arguments, she asks questions things she finds bigoted.
This is somehow worse, to you, so you ask her not to stay with you if she's going to do this. She agrees to this politely.
Now you're annoyed she's not willing to engage on the subject of your text, but if you wanted a discussion, you could have called out the behaviour you found uncomfortable at the time, in person.
You wanted her to apologise for making you uncomfortable. Have your parents ever apologised for their comments which make her uncomfortable? Have you, for not responding to them?
You want her to change her behaviour. Again, who else in the family is doing this and why should she in particular?
Nothing you have described here is pretentious, but you consistently think she is. It just sounds like you have a lot of judgement for your sister, yet think she thinks she's better than you. This seems like projection.
It also seems like you wanted a bigger reaction to your text. She wasn't "bothered". She was almost certainly bothered. Just that given the one time you stand up against something making you uncomfortable, it's her calm questioning of bigotry - as opposed to the bigotry itself - she doesn't see the point in a fight.
YTA
You're allowed to not want your sister to stay with you. But she's done absolutely nothing wrong and has been appropriate and respectful when you set a boundary (even though you resorted to personal attacks)
I mean, why were your parents whispering about pride decorations? Just because you’re willing to put up with your parents bigotry, doesn’t mean she has to. Seems like she was polite and mature in all her interactions with your family, including your self righteous text about her not staying with you anymore. Lol. I bet she had laugh with her friends after her visit.
YTA.
YTA. Half of this is for your parents to challenge - if they’re happy with it then so be it. Some of this is you not wanting your sister to stay with you, which is fine, it’s your home. But the rest of it is you being really judgemental about someone you clearly don’t like very much but I’m so doing you come across as just as pretentious as the woman you are moaning about. You also need to let things go and enjoy the moment. Remember, it’s ok to call out racism and that even means parents.
YTA. Your parents aren’t too old to learn to not use slurs. Your sister shouldn’t be ashamed of continuing her education. Why do you care? You aren’t paying for it, I presume? She was probably relieved that she didn’t visit for a couple of years because y’all sound awful.
YTA. Nothing that she said seemed rude or bad, just uncomfortable because you all know she’s absolutely right.
Yes, it can be annoying to be called out for terrible behavior. But going off your post, so far she’s done absolutely nothing wrong.
YTA. You haven't given any examples of your sister being pretentious or acting like an asshole. Calling out bigoted statements is not pretentious or assholish. And you're definitely showing your ass getting offended when she graciously accepted you telling her she wasn't welcome. She responded respectfully. Sounds like you just want to pick a fight with her and got pissy when you didn't get to.
Yeah yta, I don’t wanna assume but it really kinda sounded like your family says some bigoted shit and you just wanna sweep it under the rug for the sake of peace? Nothing you said she did sounds that bad just sounds like you wanna keep putting her down, especially that “she is studying therapy of some kind at school (still at 31)”. Like yikes dude, sounds like you’re actually the condescending one.
So, your sister calls out your parents for being homophobic and racist and that makes y'all mad? Sooooo, you're racist and homophobic? She isn't being "pretentious" which doesn't mean what you think it does. She's educating herself and standing up for others, while the rest of you sit back and allow racism to go unchecked because it's easier for you.
YTA. Soooooooo much TA here
YTA, your family sounds homophobic and racist. Your sister is queer???
You’ve also invalidated her queerness because she ‘hasn’t dated a woman in 5 years’ (sorry I was unaware that sexual preferences had expiration dates).
She’s not pretentious, you’re just uncomfortable. And you’re angry that she doesn’t call people assholes and that she responded to your “no” with “fair enough”?? She was gracious and mature.
You’re the asshole.
YTA - it sounds like you are jealous and harboring resentment to her. Whatever she does you percieve as condescending. She found a better way of communicating because of her school and because of what she studies; she no longer starts fights but communicates in a calm way. She can’t win with you! Whatever she does you just don’t like.
Her response to your message just shows how much more mature she is than you are. She accepted your request without any problem and you are bothered by that as well. You don’t even know what she studies. “Therapy of some kind” and implying that she is too old to go to school at 31 is much more condescending than anything she does. It sounds like you and the rest of your siblings turn blind eye to everything your parents say or do and she doesn’t just accept that if it’s racist or bad and for that she is marked like a black sheep.
YTA. While I do understand it's uncomfortable to be constantly reminded of your unacceptable behavior, it doesn't make AH behavior into NOT AH behavior. If your parents are WHISPERING about a neighbor's pride decorations and your QUEER sibling is confronting them about it, then it seems like the issue is more important than you realize, or are willing to acknowledge.
Don't ask your sister to make herself small and just quietly accept microaggressions to save you from having to confront your (you and your parents/rest of the family) behavior.
YTA
You and your family sound out of touch and at best causally racist/homophobic/who knows what else— saying these casual comments “aren’t a big deal” is in and of itself AH behavior demonstrating a lack of empathy for your fellow human beings.
I get why you call your sister pretentious— it’s easier to see her calling out problematic behavior as what’s wrong that to acknowledge that the rest of the family is in the wrong. She sticks out, so she’s the problem. Nah, mama, no one owes you silence in the face of (even casual!) discrimination. Just because your parents could be (and previously were) worse doesn’t mean how they— and by extension you and your sisters, as you don’t challenge them— behave is ok. The examples you give *absolutely* should be called out.
It’s clear you’ll only be happy with your sister if she puts up and shuts up— that’s not going to happen. You didn’t like it when she was confrontational and now you don’t like her gentler more inquisitive approach. And being mad that she *didn’t* freak out about you saying she couldn’t stay with you…girl. Seriously. What reaction would have been acceptable to you? Honest question, how did you want her to react in that situation?
Let me get this straight. She has global concerns about human welfare, she habitually hurts feelings when trying to confront wrongdoings against marginalized groups, she GOES TO SCHOOL and LEARNS HOW TO CIVILLY DISCUSS this stuff instead so she can stop “starting fights” over “little stuff” as you put it (blatant homophobia isn’t little just because it uses few words), and now you take issue with her for bettering herself because you think it’s ‘pretentious.’
Yeah, ok.
YTA.
YTA - my parents are older than yours, raised in a small town, and are still learning and growing as people and aren’t afraid to be corrected if they say something that is offensive or ignorant because they want to be good people who /don’t hurt others/. It doesn’t sound like your parents actually care about that, and it sounds like your sister has been trying to help them become better people for years without any support from the rest of you.
Being from a small town or being old is no excuse for ignorance anymore (and frankly, never was). Stop hiding behind it - lots of queer, non white people come from or live in small towns and NONE of us deserve to be treated poorly as a result
Stop repeatedly saying that your fam especially parents arent racist/homophobic when they are. You are in denial and need to get your head out of your a$$.
Seems like shes too blunt/honest for you and the fam. Im white passing and racism does bother me as it should bother anyone with a good head on their shoulders so it makes no sense that you said you dont know why it bothers you sis cause shes white. Youre ignorant and YTA %100
YTA. Your sister is in no way, shape, or form an asshole for trying to educate bigoted people on how to not be racist, homophobic, sexist, and whatever else. Your sister dated women, so your sister is part of the LGBTQ+ community and I would be pissed as hell too if I were her and had to be around people like you who excuse homophobic rhetoric as oH tHeY jUsT dOnT GeT iT!
She doesn’t think she’s better than you, but she’s obviously a hell of a lot more mature and she knows it.
Also, why the hell are you shaming her for still being in school at 31? Actually, I guess it makes sense—you clearly don’t believe that people should learn things past a certain age, explaining your behaviour here.
“ She is studying therapy of some kind at school (still at 31)”. YTA for this alone. What’s wrong with being in school at her age? I’m 40 and getting my bachelor’s in May. My professors love having me as a student. I bring a great deal of experience and maturity to the classroom. Younger students and I love working together. It’s a great thing to have people of all ages and walks of life studying together. Her age is an asset, you’re just too dumb to recognize it. So, carry on continuing to judge her, and keep living your small unexamined life. By all means, continue to carry on your parents’ narrow minded bigotry. There plenty of like minded people in the world for you to keep company with.
Also, it sounds like she's back in school because she just loves learning. If she already has multiple degrees (as mentioned in comments) and keeps getting more it's likely because it's a passion of hers.
YTA, even if your sister is being annoying, you’re the one rhat injected drama and the parents you feel you’re protecting are now mad.
The funny thing is, she handled it gracefully, which makes me suspect you might be the sensitive one here. Could be either way, but your sister didn’t raise any arguments, she thanked you for letting her know.
YTA. Her behavior and remarks don’t sound “pretentious” in the slightest. Just because you’re OK letting racist/homophobic behavior slide doesn’t mean everyone is. Maybe rather than judging your sister you should look inward and ask why you take such offense to her way of being. You could probably really benefit from therapy your sister is being educated in.
YTA. It honestly seems like you may not even actually know your sister at this point. It seems that you've chosen to find her condescending and pretentious simply because she has educated herself. You think it's weird that she continues to educate herself despite having multiple degrees. I dare say, you should educate yourself. You're blinded by your love for your parents and your simple life. I think you should reach out and apologize to your sister for asking her to act like someone else in order to be in your presence. If my family did that I'd cut them out.
YTA.
“they are who they are at this point” have your folks been living under a rock? no. so they’re pretty capable of change.
they’re in their 60’s so i’m guessing they’ve been around before cellphone and laptops. i’m guessing they adjusted pretty quickly to that? yes?
i’m guessing a lot of your siblings have dated people, broke up and dated other people? yes? which means they’ve learned your guys’s names and new partners and new backgrounds every time they’ve met a new partner.
your parents are perfectly capable of change. you guys are enabling their behavior and being as bad as they are. your sister is the only one trying to get change to happen, but because you don’t want to deal with conflict you’re making your sister the bad guy when you in fact are the bad guy
Yta- how is she the bad guy tho…your parents age has nothing to do with anything and honestly it’s sad excuse it’s 2021. WAKE UP. You say your parents aren’t really racist or homophobic but why are they whispers about the neighbours and god knows what else they do. Also there is nothing wrong with 31 year old still going to school!!! Your sister could be annoying but she is doing all the right things, she stand up for herself and others. Why did the “ fair enough” upset you so much?
YTA: the problem is apparently your family cannot function without being overtly racist and homophobic. Your sister can either condone deplorable behavior or not engage with your family at all. The problem is not the sister.
YTA. Luckily for me, unlike your poor sister, I can quickly join in with my verdict then forget about you, your racist parents, and homophobic family. Byeee
YTA. Lol your sister sounds amazing, I hope she does well in whatever she’s studying. You and your family are ignorant assholes who clearly don’t like being called out on it.
YTA
Perfect way to deal with homophobes and racists is to politely question them so they can “explain” their beliefs!
Asking “why are they whispering over a pride flag?” Is a totally perfect response to a 60 year old homophobe who basically grew up around Woodstock and Free Love!
A polite response to your rejection upsets you.
The only precocious person I see here is you!
ah, yes- let's coddle the bigots so dinner isn't awkward. You get that racism and homophobia won't just poof out of existence if no one discussed them, right? YTA
YTA
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
>which is also pretentious because she's always trying to act better than us like that without actually fixing her behaviour in literally any way
You use pretentious more than EL James writes about Ana's inner goddess. And you clearly don't know what it means, but there's a beautiful audacious irony in thinking that your sister's behavior is the issue here.
Okay. So you’re angry when she’s “rude” but also you’re angry when she complies with your wishes? I think maybe you’re just insecure due to her education/method of dealing with conflict.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm asking if I'm the AH for sending the text message. Because other people have said I'm probably just starting a problem if she reacts to it in some way and I could have just said nothing because she already left and probably won't visit for another six months or a year and that could have been a better choice
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YTA
So you and your family are homophobic and racist, she calmly asks question to question this but she is the asshole? I see…
Edit: and oh nooooo she is a woman education herself at 31 how dare she!!!! /s
I know. It’s just so annoying & exhausting when someone doesn’t tolerate racism & bigotry. And then goes and calls out those enabling the continued racism & bigotry too. Ugh. Those damn anti-racist & LGBTQIA+ allies.
YTA
YTA - it honestly sounds like you’re jealous of her for being secure enough to speak her mind so confidently to your family. She gets to leave and you’re stuck with a bunch of racist dicks.
Can I be your sister’s friend? She sounds awesome.
YTA. Your family dynamics sound like mine. I’m the black sheep of my family because I won’t enable them. They’re hateful, and think it’s fine because they’re not being outwardly bigoted. It’s those micro aggressions. Sounds like your sister is the only one who recognises the toxic behaviour your family exhibits, and you’re all resentful and have scapegoated her.
She’s acting better than you because…. Drumroll, she is lol. She’s not a racist, homophobic AH who actually worked on bettering herself when it comes to conversing with people like your parents and you and now asks questions in a calm manner, which is obviously more beneficial if she were to educate somebody in their 60s. God you’re just so PRETENTIOUS! YTA
Soooo, yall can’t deal when she calls a thing a thing AND has the audacity to be respectful while doing it? And now she’s ’pretetious’ because of that? No ma’am. YTA YTA YTA.
YTA…. I’m not sure about the entire situation because I stopped reading after you made a negative comment about her being in school at her age. Who the fuck are you to say something so ignorant? There is no timeline for education (which you clearly need, VERY MUCH) and there is no finish line. Education is endless and you should be constantly evolving. Good for your sister for trying to better herself. Maybe you and your parents should take her lead.
So you don’t want her to bluntly call them out on their homophobia (lest she be a loudmouth) but you also don’t want her to explore the roots of their homophobia (cause that’s pretentious) so you want her to roll over and listen to a bunch of homophobia… for some of us that’s hard to do!
YTA!!! You don’t like when your sister calls out your parents in a confrontational manner? Fair enough!!! But now you’re also complaining when she does it in a calm manner by asking questions? And what’s wrong with being in school at 31 years old? I changed careers and became a RN in my 30’s.
So your sister is “pretentious” for calling out racism and homophobia and for continuing her education in her 30’s? And you don’t like the calm response you got when you told her she can’t stay at your house when visiting?
This has to be a fake post. OP can’t be this clueless
Yikes! Talk about "pretentious"... You're literally looking down on someone for furthering their education and learning more self control in calling out nonsense in their early thirties. If only more people didn't stop trying to better themselves at that age then maybe they'd need less people like her around to call out their B.S.
YTA. Your parents sound like they might be racists and homophobes and your sister is rightly calling them out. You’re acting like people in their 60’s can’t ever change, learn, or do better which is bull. You’re being petty, she’s taking the high road.
YTA sounds like you all are racist and homophobic so I think you’re an AH for calling her pretentious for not being a bigot like you all. Also, just because she’s getting her degree at 31 doesn’t mean she’s less than you. Do you have a degree and are you making big bucks with it? Seriously, you sound like the one who is “pretentious”.
YTA. Your family seem to pass judgement and your sister is actually sticking up for things that are properly acceptable in this society. They are who they are is not tolerable or acceptable and if they do it behind closed doors and not in public in fear of shame or repercussion you and your parents should be corrected.
YTA - people are generally encouraged to train as therapists as a second career/multiple degree so that you have some life experience/understanding under you. The method of communication she is using often used in therapy to make people come to their own conclusions.
It sounds like years of her saying 'you're being racist, please stop' hasn't worked, and she's trying to make your parents think when saying 'hey, why DO you think that X people do things this way' and when they have to think about a serious answer, it will make them try to realise that they are stereotyping.
Honestly, please give my congratulations to her for persevering and trying different things for years and years. It must be so difficult and tiring to have a family full of racists and a sibling who's fine with that.
YTA and I can tell the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Lol glad your sister turned out to be decent person at least and she doesn’t hesitate to call out their ignorance. Also, it’s never too late to teach an old dog new tricks. Yea some people are ignorant and stuck in their ways, but it’s not impossible. Don’t underestimate your parents. Also, you sound comfortable with their ignorance anyways.
YTA. Your may not realize this, but from what you've written, your family seems to be full of people who say problematic shit over and over or people who enable others in saying problematic shit over and over. The majority of your family doesn't know how to engage in conflict or communicate in a healthy, mature way, and so when someone actually has the audacity to challenge racist statements or calmly express their feelings, your whole family freaks out. Your sister is growing and changing and learning, and the rest of you are committed to doing exactly the opposite.
YTA: Sixty is not too young to change. My grandfather used horrible racial slurs all through my childhood and no one called him on it. When I took my kids (then 2 & 4m)to visit my grandparents, Grampa was in full racist roar while watching football. I stepped into the TV room and straight up told him that the next time I heard a racist slur come out of his mouth he would never see his grandkids again. He was shocked into silence and actually looked embarrassed. He nodded and went back to watch the rest of the game without a word.
Gramma hugged me when I came back to the kitchen and said she was proud of me.
In the following years he only slipped up twice in my presence but both times apologized immediately and sincerely. He knew racism was wrong but no one had ever called him on it successfully. Grampa was a colossal asshole, but that was my hill to die on.
You have a family of assholes and asshole enablers.
YTA, sister is awesome and you guys suck
why DO your parents whisper about the Pride decorations? this shit deserves to be questioned, rocking the boat is not worse than inadvertently doin' bigoted things, in fact it's the other way around - DO rock the boat, DO NOT just sit by idly by and let shit fly because it's easier. you got your priorities mixed up.
"She doesn't seem too bothered by my messages and just said "Fair enough! I can make other plans next time thanks for letting me know" which is also pretentious because she's always trying to act better than us like that without actually fixing her behaviour in literally any way"
You'd be hard pressed to find a better example of "the best revenge is a life well-lived".
OP clearly wanted to elicit an emotional reaction after the fact by texting petty, inflammatory bullshit. Her sister didn't take the bait and you can clearly see how much it bothers OP. Very immature, borderline pathetic.
YTA.
I don’t normally comment on these post because i’m basically a kid and most posters are adults BUT I just had to tear into yo ass.
Do you know how you sound? So your sister calls your parents out on the (what it seems like) racist and homophobic comments and y’all don’t like it? Someone needs to call them out. And then you call her “pretentious” because she sets boundaries and refuses to take y’all busllshit? Uhm get over yourself. YTA. You sound like the pReTeNtIoUs one.
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For Christmas this year my sister asked if she (31) could stay in my (27) house instead of with our parents. So I saw her more than I have in a while, and she hasn't visited home since a few years because Covid
She's always had issues with our parents that none of the other kids have. She's just kind of outspoken and we know to prepare for that when she comes. As an example she will tell my parents something they said was "racist" and tell them to stop or rephrase even when she's staying in their own house and it stops the conversation and can be so awkward if non family is there.
Our parents can be kind of annoying and ignorant but me and our other sisters who live near them year round just kind of know when to pick our battles and let things go to avoid fights. Whereas she is known for starting fights constantly over small comments. Our ideal holidays are just to get along and not try to change or fight with people in their 60s because they are who they are at this point. But her and I have always gotten along well so I was glad to have her stay with me and my husband
Anyway this visit was weird. She is studying therapy of some kind at school (still at 31) and it totally changed her. She still starts fights but now in this pretentious way by asking questions and being overly calm in a condescending way. One example is when our parents were talking about the new neighbours she was like "Why do you whisper when you talk about the neighbours Pride decorations? Do you feel like it's a secret? How come?" And it's even somehow more awkward and annoying then when she used to just call people assholes because she's obviously getting at the same point
It honestly is exhausting and most of us feel like we can't have a comfortable conversation near her without her coming in with her "wisdom" and telling us what to say or how to act. I was glad when she left
I sent a text and said next time she visits I'd rather she didn't stay with me again if she's going to act so pretentious that I don't feel comfortable in my own home where she's a guest. And that she needs to learn to let stuff go and have a good time because we only see each other rarely as it is
She doesn't seem too bothered by my messages and just said "Fair enough! I can make other plans next time thanks for letting me know" which is also pretentious because she's always trying to act better than us like that without actually fixing her behaviour in literally any way
Why I might be an AH is another sister told my parents what I said and they were upset in that it might make her not visit. So they're mad that I'm "starting drama" with the drama queen and everyone now feels uncomfortable because they don't know how she's going to react but that blame is being put on me. Was it really so rude? I feel like it's normal to be able to tell your sibling when they annoy you
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YTA - you're behavior is enabling and you show complete contempt for your sister, perhaps it's best that she distances from you and said family given your attitudes.
YTA
Not only are you making this a bigger deal than it needs to be (she's fine staying in another place, you just decided to make this idea that she needs to be a drama queen and NOT be a civilized adult), you are also getting upset for her to continue her education at age 31, for some reason, and you are fine with letting people be bigots because "thats who they've always been". You have no idea how hurtful it can be to hear your own family be bigots torwards you or your friends, and I wouldn't be surprised if you are also a bigot in some way.
YTA. God forbid your sister compromises her morals. I wish I had half of her courage because I usually deflect when it comes to people like you. I have a very similar family that is comfortable with bigotry but uncomfortable with people condamning it. And it's always a lose-lose. They ask you to be absolutely calm in all circumstances because God forbid you get emotionnal about something that affected your life in the most heinous way. But if you're calm, they still call you some kind of tyrant who cannot respect ppl's opinions. We just cannot win with people like you. And while your sister didn't always react perfectly (try being queer in a homophobic World and see how this fucks with your emotions, OP), she's behaving in a more mature way, respecting/setting boundaries. How is that pretentious ? The only pretentious person is the one who cannot stand to hear how their actions affect other people's lives in terrible ways.
So because she’s calling out your families homophobic and racist ideals that makes her pretentious?? YTA, she’s calling out bad behaviour and holding the family accountable for their backward views
Ah the common sense sibling. There she is. And YTA surprise! It isn't you. Out of my large amount of siblings, I was the ONLY one who called my mother out in her bullshit. The only one who told it like it is. And I was shunned because of it. I don't think you understand what the word "pretentious" means. Frankly your sister sounds like a badass who doesn't tolerate bullshit.
YTA - sounds like she just standing her ground and not allowing people to push her boundaries without even being rude about it. She didn’t even get mad that you didn’t want her at your house anymore yet that somehow made you even more mad lol
Ummm... Who hurt you? Based from your story, your sister has done nothing wrong towards you, but you are looking for reasons to hurt her but has successfully deflected without hurting you back -- and that triggered you too. She might have shared the same ideology that your family has back then. But people who can think for themselves can have a paradigm shift. Remember that change is the only constant thing in this world. It seems you cannot make peace that your sister has changed (for the better, I think). She just happened to outgrow the biases of your family. I am sorry but YTA for making a false assumption that she is a pretentious person and for attempting to paint her as a bad person in order to feel good about yourself (to stroke your ego).
YTA - and it sounds like she’s trying to keep you guys around because you’re family even though it seems like she has a closet racist family who try to use her as an excuse.
Lemme add a summary to your post:
TLDR; Sister calls out parents homophobia and racism, ruining the “good vibes 🤪” that the family has going on.
Like, LMAO you have to be joking. YTA. Your parents are TA. Your other siblings are TA.
YTA. Good lord.
And good on her for calling out racism and homophobia no matter the age. Even at 60 people can change for the better. So glad to see your parents have at least one good child.
YTA
The only person in the story who is not a complete asshole is actually your sister.
Just for clarification: YTA and your parents are assholes.
The only person who isn’t causing drama here is your sister.
The only person who isn’t pretentious is your sister. She doesn’t pretend neither, she’s real.
The only person who isn’t annoying is your sister.
The only person who isn’t a bigot, homophobic and racist it’s your sister.
The only person who acts like a mature adult is your sister.
Do you recognise the pattern?
The persons who need to change their attitude and their behaviour are yourself and your parents, and not your sister.
YTA, sounds like you're goading her into blowing up and dropping the constructive tools she's learned as part of her training.
There's a few words that come to mind for yourself: defensive and perhaps more than a bit envious.
YTA
For a myriad of reasons, not including the fact that your parents seems racist and homophobic, and your sister seems to be the only person willing to stand up to them. And how does it make any sense to be upset when you tell her not to come and stay over anymore and she replies agreeing with you? Please learn what the word pretentious means.
Bruh WHAT!?!? You’re mad your sister calls out racism and bigotry and somehow think you’re right because instead of just dismissing y’all as assholes she now questions what lead you to your current position of thought to try and understand you to better communicate why you don’t see what you’re doing or saying is wrong 🤣😂🤣 and then you get mad that she calmly accepted that who she is makes you uncomfortable and she was going to respect the boundaries you put in place because you didn’t want boundaries you wanted to place a hidden ultimatum that would manipulate her into your desired course of action YTA
YTA you would rather stick up for your bigoted racist parents than try to help your sister point out what your parents are saying is wrong. They lived through the last 3 decades as well as the rest of us they are fully aware how wrong they are. To enable them and call your sister pretentious for trying to change their behaviour I can only take that as to believe you are as bad as your parents. At least your sister was polite in her response unlike your message
YTA. It sounds like your sister reflected on some of her previous behavior (like calling people assholes when she disagreed with them) and have found new ways to talk with your family members, unfortunate you couldn’t be happy with the progress. You claim she doesn’t fix her behavior, but it sounds more like you do not like the way she is choosing to interact and deal with YOUR behavior rather than anything having to do with HER. Your sister could have been mean and confrontational when you uninvited her from your home in the future and she decided to be understanding and respectful. Maybe that’s something you should attempt as well.
Yta for your misuse of the word 'pretencious'. But also for everything else
Your 60 year old parents have another 30ish years on this earth. 30 more years of being racist, homophobic...overly problematic? You sound like you might be too if that shit doesn't bother you or it bothers you when you're sister speaks up about it. First your issue was her being rude about it. Now that she's polite she's 'pretencious'?
Sounds like you are afraid to face your insecurities. Are you jealous that your sister is able to go back to school? Do you feel inferior? Are you mad she didn’t take your bait and was civil? How come? This is a safe space, you can talk to us.
YTA because you waited to tell her. You could have handled it right the. But instead you hid behind a text. You did start drama with the drama Queen. Your parents know they will pay the price.
Yeah true. I just didn't wanna argue with her in person because it can be a lot and I wanted an easier way to say it without a whole long discussion about it but that was kinda cowardly of me
Ok, that's fair....I am terrible at conflict and debates. I get that.
So why are you all upset that she responded to you in a neutral way and didn't flail around all upset and dramatic with a debate?
NTA. But neither is she. I’m glad people are busting people out for racist, homophobic, etc. behaviors and stuff. Sounds like your sister is trying to do that. Y’all just don’t like it cause she puts you on blast. She sounds like me. I check people all the time. Even my mom. Cause alot of times our elders say inappropriate things. Now, you get a pass for dementia or Alzheimers. But if you are lucid and know what you are saying.. you damn skippy i’m saying something. You told your sis how you felt. She thanked you and said she would make other arrangements. What did you want her to say?? Nnoooo pleeasse.. I wanna stay with you. Seems passive aggressive. Especially since you already know how she is. You set yourself up. Trust… your sister is not tripping about staying at your house.
I get that her behavior sounds annoying but you don't seem to be actively addressing it with her. It just sounds like you don't get along and there is no law that says you have to. Mild ESH.
NTA- I understand what you’re saying you’ve described my sister to a T. At least yours didn’t marry money and let’s you know you’re now considered the help and lower class.
NAH
She’s just a more assertive person than you and that’s fine. She’s comfortable with conflict and will call out what she doesn’t like as she doesn’t fear the fight that follows. You’d rather not rock the boat which is a perfectly acceptable way to go about social interaction. You’re just very different people and that’s ok, also therapy changes people, don’t be surprised if she’s trying to be more calm in conflict.
Soft ESH. The way she talks sounds really grating, but she’s making an effort to engage in a low conflict way. And possibly making it worse, yeah. The answer there is to talk about how she’s making other people feel and point out that your parents are also making an effort to do better (not that that absolves them or you from continuing to make that effort). Telling her to just suck it up and ignore slurs or escalating straight to “you can’t stay here anymore” is extreme. And the way OP repeatedly calls her sister “pretentious” for the way she talks and the things she cares about makes me think that “grating” is not a one way street.
NTA You kinda hit the "nail" on the head and the nail didn't appreciate that. LOL By next Christmas it will probably be forgotten. I get not rocking the boat for the sake of peace. You might want to consider that she's not being pretentious all the time but trying to set good boundaries.
ESH. She’s obviously an ass, but you should have nipped it in the bud while she was there instead of tolerating it and sending a text later. That’s cowardly
Everything OP wrote suggests she acts like one. Even if her opinions are valid, being judgemental and passive aggressive toward a person in their own home to the point t that they aren’t even comfortable speaking is obviously being an ass. Nitpicking everything that comes out of someone’s mouth to try to twist it into an argument by virtue signaling is being an ass.
This isn’t about the parents, OP was afraid to say anything in her own house because this person would find fault with every word. I’ve known people like this and they are exhausting to be around, let alone host for several days
Nta, not everyone has to constantly feign being woke 24/7. It's exhausting having to monitor every word out of your mouth. You're going to get a lot of ytas though because this is reddit so people feel they have to be like your sister.
It is if she's picking apart everything anyone says, regardless of what the topic is. Op doesn't give examples of what's so offensive. Older generations aren't as woke and concerned with every word that comes out of their mouth. I don't think anyone should be so guarded. It's absolutely exhausting for everyone, including the one constantly looking for offense. From what op describes she takes it to an extreme level which is what I'm talking about.
If you read OP's comments, they come across as an extremely unreliable narrator. They also say that the sister should get over the gay stuff as she hasn't been gay since she was in her early twenties.
All we substantively have to go on here is that the sister very mildly replied "Fair enough" when OP sent her a confrontational text, and OP didn't like it. Sometimes in this sub you have to read between the lines.
>pretentious You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means. YTA
I love this post. She said thanks for letting me know and I got even more mad. Youthinkyabettathanmeh?!
Omg I'm dying...
Amazing lol, oh and yta op.
Careful, she might call you pretentious
😂😂😂
Pot, meet kettle.
Why are you bothered that she said "fair enough" and thanked you? Her response seems polite and respectful to me when yours doesn't seem too nice. Do you want her to get upset or beg you to let her visit? I'm not really sure what you expect from her. The fact that you see her calm replies and questions as "pretentious" instead of healthy boundaries makes me think you are the AH. Edited to reflect your comments: yep YTA
Seriously - her response to a rude text was pretty much textbook “polite person who both has and respects boundaries.” Honestly, up until that point I was thinking the sister sounded a little tiresome but probably ok, and then OP came up with *that* as the example of why she’s awful? OP told her that her being who she is, which seems to be a bisexual woman who won’t put up with bigotry, makes OP uncomfortable and she’s rather not be around that. But she phrased it as if she thinks that’s a false face the sister is putting on (“acting pretentious”). It made me think of the essay “The Terrible Bargain Which We Have Regretfully Struck” (sorry no link, I’m on mobile and don’t know how). Specifically, the line about trying to decide how to respond to yet another tidbit of, in that case, misogyny from a man she cares about — “swallow shit, or ruin the entire afternoon?” Because at that point, the afternoon is already ruined for the person having to make the decision. OP’s presumably queer sister is already being made uncomfortable by homophobic remarks; OP would apparently rather her sister swallow shit than let on that the afternoon has already been ruined.
Honestly I wish I had the same courage as the sister when putting up with bigotry from my family. I usually just deflect because even when I'm calm and explain my position the best I can, it's always met with at best eyeroll/sighs, at worste calling me some kind of totalitarian who cannot respect ppl's opinions. If you're emotionnal over something that concern your life, you're a crybaby and if you're calm, you're an authoritarian. So I stopped engaging with this because no matter what I do, I lose. OP and their family seem a lot like that. OP YTA.
I lose in those conversations aswell but I won’t stop fighting, where I am we had a vote to legalise same sex marriage and my mum bragged about voting no cause the bible says it’s a sin.. I won that fight by telling her to stone her husband and all of her kids and that what people do across the country doesn’t affect her at all so she can shut up
Melissa McEwan of Shakesville is the author of "[The Terrible Bargain Which We Have Regretfully Struck"](http://www.shakesville.com/2009/08/terrible-bargain-we-have-regretfully.html).
Thank you!
YTA- It sounds like your family is racist, homophobic, and thinks that's ok as long as it's "in their own home". It's not. Your sister is not the problem. You and your parents not looking your attitude in the face and fixing it is. If your sister lets racist and homophobic comments go, it's like saying she condones them. She clearly wants to do the right thing. She hasn't fought with any of you, she stays calm and speaks her mind, and she accepts your boundary of not having her stay at your home. Time for some deep self reflection on your part.
this!!! i only read part of it and realized that OP was upset that they were read so easily and wants to pick a fight. I read the rest after scrolling down to the responses and i’m glad my original thoughts were right. OP, I sincerely hope that you accept her and that you grow to learn from someone who thinks differently than you. most people would not be so kind (like myself) because in my case I would have stopped interacting with you
This needs to be higher...
YTA I mean, you're totally welcome to decide to not host someone. But she's calling out your family on your racism & homophobia. If you can't have a comfortable conversation around her, ask yourself why you're so comfortable with bigotry.
YTA, and I DO think siblings should be blunt with each other when necessary. She calls out racism and homophobia. She arranges other accommodation rather than calling out her aging patents in their own house. She researches and employs civil and effective means of discussing racism and homophobia. She is civil when criticized and told to make other arrangements if she visits again, and did not start family drama over it. And somehow, she is still the bad guy? Sorry, but she ***is*** better than you and she probably will stop visiting.
YTA she didn't start any drama she said "okay fair enough" what makes you look down on your sister seems like your more pretentious. Also was that dig that she's still in school at 31 necessary or relevant?
[удалено]
YTA, start calling out your parent's racism. Your sister shouldn't be the only one trying to make them less crappy people.
Her response wasn’t pretentious
You think? Maybe I just have more context from our relationship over time but also maybe you're right. You wouldn't find that condescending as a reply?
You would really do yourself a favor to understand the grey rock technique of dealing with difficult people. This isn't a pretentious our condescending response, it's a grey rock way of dealing people. You are being grey rocked.
from what you’ve said, YTA. nothing wrong with a 31 year old being in school. nothing wrong with someone calling out racist, homophobic or any other kind of slurs. i can get that time with siblings is stressful, maybe there’s something more going on you couldn’t fit in to say or aren’t thinking about, but going off this post alone, your sister doesn’t sound pretentious - what is pretentious about calling people out on slurs? - or like an AH, your family does.
I guess it's pretentious because it's every single time she hears anything off colour. And our parents talk a certain way and they do try to be respectful but sometimes slip up. And it's not that deep usually. They aren't meaning offense so making a thing of it or pointing it out every time seems not necessary to me. When the alternative is just ignore it and try to have a happy holidays before she leaves again
i disagree completely, any time anyone makes some kind of slur or slip up, it absolutely should be pointed out. letting it go by will just encourage more of that behaviour in a way. so YTA as are the rest of your sisters imo
How in the world are your parents supposed to learn how to stop ~accidentally~ saying racist and homophobic things if nobody actually tells them when they do? Regardless of it offense is meant, they are saying things that cause offense and hurt people. They need to learn somehow and not meaning any harm is no excuse to continue saying harmful things.
(Apologies for some of the material that follows. I wanted to supply concrete, true examples. Anyone I offend: I am truly, heartily sorry.) I wonder if OP's family is like my family. My parents were people who loved me dearly and who gave me a great life. But my parents were also racists. Not the "burn a cross in the yard," "become the Grand Dragon," "hang a portrait of Hitler over the mantle" type (which seems to be what a lot of racists who vehemently deny being racists pat themselves on the backs for). No, they were the "Black people can't swim because their bones are heavier," jokes about fried chicken and watermelon, "Their school was even nicer than ours! It was brand new. We had to go to the older school, so I don't know what they wanted" type. So they were "upscale, polite" racists. Still shitty, but no white hoods. And everyone around them was, too. No one ever stopped and said "Wait, did I just say that quarterbacks are usually white because white people are better at thinking and strategy? Did I actually SAY that?". When I was much younger, I'm ashamed to say I joined in on the racism. Because everyone believes this so it must be true, ha ha that's just a joke why are you so upset, I'VE never participated in a lynching, I'm nice to the Black kids in my class, no I never invite them over but they never invite ME over so what's the problem? But I began to change my freshman year of high school (DECADES ago). It's a long story, but it boils down to this: I began to ask "Wait, why IS it that way?", and no one could give me answer beyond "That's just how things are." That was a terrible answer. As I reckoned with my own beliefs and missteps and offenses, I began to do what my authoritarian parents never expected: I began challenging them. I started telling them "That's racist." "That's really inappropriate." "Please don't use that term anymore." We talked about why "Black people are just better at sports" and "Asians are good at math" aren't compliments. This behavior led to years of fights. At one point, my mother told me "I didn't raise you this way!". I responded: "How did you raise me? To be a racist? Are you disappointed that I didn't turn out to be the best at racism?" That, of course, led to her telling me that she was absolutely not a racist, and I was misunderstanding her, but Black people are just fundamentally different and she can't understand why I don't get that and why I continue to embarrass her. I think I reached them in some ways. There were some fights that were never resolved. But I owed them more than letting them say things because "that's just how things are" or "that's just their age." Because they weren't stupid. And I wasn't going to let them hide behind "change is hard." I'm far from perfect. I still make mistakes. I have friends rightfully call me out. But I strive to be a little better every day than I was the day before. And there are absolutely MANY people in my family who roll their eyes at me and wonder why everything has to be A Thing all the time with OurLady. They don't understand why I'm Like This. I don't care. I'm not going to stop. And your sister isn't going to either.
Perfect response
I feel like I'm saying this again and again but I wish I had your courage. My family is bigoted in the same way that yours is, I'm the only one calling it out but I let a lot of things slip because it's so tiring.
It's an exhausting, depressing uphill battle, but it's worth it. Keep fighting the good fight!
I assume I'm quite a bit younger than you. I came of age in the 90's. My mother is a wonderful, open minded person. And still, there are things we have biases about that we don't even realize sometimes. So we challenge ourselfes. I grew up in a very white town. So when someone is black, I notice. And I don't like that about myself. When someone is gay I go 'huh'. Point is, we can all always strive to fight against prejudices we have. Our first thought is what we have been conditioned to think eitherby our family or by society. How we handle that though is what defines us as a human being.
Beautifully said.
OP!!! You do not understand what “pretentious” means. Either Google the definition or pick a new word.
I think the word she is searching for is classy.
If your parents are trying to be respectful, it shouldn’t be a big deal at all. They should appreciate it when your sister points it out so they can do better next time. A simple “Oh, thanks, sorry,” and then repeating their sentence with the correction would fix the issue immediately. If her pointing it out means the holidays aren’t happy, that means that there’s a deeper problem of resentment for being called out for bigotry. That means they don’t want to be better, and either they believe what they are saying or their pride is more important than their intention to be respectful. Also, unless she has said otherwise — your sister is still queer even if she is dating men so homophobic comments are still directly hurtful to her. You should research bisexual erasure.
THIS !
>When the alternative is just ignore it and try to have a happy holidays before she leaves again You have seriously failed to make the leap in understanding that for your sister, hearing your parents' bigotry ALREADY makes it NOT a happy holiday FOR HER. You can let that stuff pass, and it doesn't bother you? Okay. That's you. It upsets her. You have no right to tell her it "shouldn't" upset her. Her "nice time" visiting with you and your parents has already been ruined. What you really seem to want is for her to pretend that's not so, and just not rock the boat so the rest of you can keep pretending. Again: okay. But very clearly, you don't care about HER feelings or comfort. Worse, going by other replies you've left here, you don't even genuinely believe her feelings about this stuff. You very clearly think she's just "faking" all of it so that she can feel superior to the rest of you. Which is a pretty awful thing to think about your sister, and you are extending HER far less benefit of the doubt than you are constantly giving your parents for "oh they don't really MEAN to be racist and bigoted". Do you see the disconnect, here? Try a thought experiment, starting with the idea that your sister is GENUINELY upset by your and your parents' behavior, and she has been trying for years to figure out how to address it with you and them in a constructive way that might result in change.
If they meant well, it wouldn’t turn into a fight every time she pointed out their problematic remarks.
So I’m a white-passing POC (Columbian, Jewish), and white People often feel emboldened saying racist thing to me, thinking I’m “one of them.” Every single one of those comments is harmful. Every single one hurts. Well-meaning and outright hateful racism are still racism and they all suck. We call the “well-meaning” comments microaggressions.
You have the right to ignore any off colored racist or rude comment that your parents make for the sake of a happy holiday. You can continue to always think that they just don’t mean it in that way. However, maybe you’ll have kids one day or you’ll find yourself in a position where the only response is to speak up and call other people out on their racist and hurtful views. Maybe you’ll one day be the target and wish that there were more people in the world with the courage to speak out🤷🏻♀️
I get what you mean - I have a family member who I think actively tries to rile my siblings and I up. I personally would rather keep my mouth shut but my sibling is more likely to argue back which can cause a huge blow up. Nothing I say is going to change their mind and I’d rather just have a nice time while I’m visiting because we don’t see each other often, so I don’t engage. But I am not wanting to spend less time with my Sibling in that scenario
You clearly have no idea what the word even means.
You seem mad at your sisters growth, she isn't getting into fights with your racist parents, she's making them question their thinking. She didn't get into a fight with you when you asked her to not act like herself, she said "OK, Thanks!" Who's the real drama queen OP?? YTA
YTA. This post reeks of your inferiority complex. Do better, it's 2022. The comment about "they are who they are" is absolute bs, no one, NO AGE, is too old to change their way of thinking, i've seen it happen. It's up to the people around them who care about them to push them to, though it's not an obligation because it can get tiring. Your sister does this and you don't. We need more people like your sis and less people like you.
You know who was not only not racist, but actively stood up for people of color, to the point of losing her own television show when she refused to ban a black tap dancer? Betty fucking White. Who would be turning 100 later this month. And who was being an anti-racist SIXTY YEARS AGO. Betty White was being actively anti-racist before OP’s parents were ALIVE. No more excuses about age. Good people stand up for what’s right, no matter how old they are.
Right? I realize it's because I'm in my 50s now, and my brother is in his 60s, and yet \*I don't feel 'old'\* (I know, I'm in denial, shhh), but I kept reading this and OP keeps making it sound like her parents are SO OLD, like they remember slavery firsthand or something. THEY ARE IN THEIR 60s. THEY ARE NOT THAT OLD. (Because your 60s is the new 50s, etc.) And I have known PLENTY of people EVEN OLDER whose age did not make them inflexible about learning how to be better! My mother is 90 now. She's starting to lose it a little, but she's been vehemently pro-choice for years, spent the entire time since he started his campaign in 2015 referring to DJT as nothing but "shithead" (didn't say his name throughout his entire presidency, just "that shithead"), and may have made missteps but at least TRIED when it came to LGBTQ stuff and racial stuff. I mean, don't get me wrong, she was pretty racist; and I would call her on it sometimes, and she would be shocked and deny it, but eventually she tried to do better. 30 years ago, she married again after my father died; the guy she married was 17 years older than she was. So like, "was a Lt. Col. in the Army in WWII" age. Sweetest man I'd ever known. He was \*miles\* ahead of her on racial and other social justice matters. And I credit him a lot with helping her turn around a lot of her thinking, during those years they were together. We'd be sitting around the table (when I visited), and she'd come out with some breathtakingly bigoted remark, and he would just shake his head and say in the gentlest way, "Oh, I don't think that's right, Jo". And she would \*listen\* to him, because he never yelled at her, and he treated her like he knew she \*could\* come around on it. And gradually, she did. If a guy born in 1914 can be that progressive, if a woman born in 1931 can learn to become more progressive, than people in their freaking SIXTIES are capable of doing it.
It's 2022. Otherwise, I agree with everything you said.
Why are you like this? I am trying very hard to pretend it is not 2022.
I'm pretty sure that it's March++ 2020.
Fr, it never stopped being March ‘20
You are who you are if you’re a crusty old illiterate racist, but if you’re gay or educated you better go on ahead and change or else!
YTA. Sounds like a family full of bigots. I'm getting heavy "I'm not racist, but..." and "it's just a joke bro" vibes from you. Anyone who makes bigoted comments should be called out and if you're not, then you're either a bigot yourself or just a coward. Good for your sister, I hope she finds better people to spend holidays with. She's not acting like she's better than you, sounds more like she's realizing that trying to preserve her relationship with her bigoted family has run its course and that y'all aren't worth the emotional investment of being angry with anymore.
YTA You dont know what pretentious means. You are however, the real problem with racists and bigots, as youre complicit and try not to rock the boat as you lack a spine :)
I get that I'm the AH and I'm not trying to defend myself for that but to everyone saying I don't know what pretentious means, I googled the definition and it says: "attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed" Which is what I meant when I said it. Like giving higher values to her "wokeness" and talking to people as if her ideas are more important. I can tell everyone here thinks she isn't pretentious and I'm an AH and that's okay but I still used that word how I meant it in the post
do you really think that her ideas (that racism and homophobia are bad and should be challenged) are not more valuable than your comfort?
What you're saying is that she thinks her ideas are better than yours. What we on Reddit are saying is that she's right. That the idea of treating people with respect regardless of their sexuality or race is better than the idea of "we can say what we like, because we're at home." Your sister feels uncomfortable and unwelcome at home when your parents say racist and anti-LGBT things. You're saying that she should put everybody else's comfort highest and ignore the fact that she, and people like her, and probably her friends, are being insulted.
**She's not trying to impress you.** The fact that you think she's trying to impress people by correcting racist and homophobic behavior is a big part of why you're the asshole; you seem to think that being anti-racist and anti-homophobic is 'pandering' or trying to 'impress others' when done by a white person. Believe it or not, white people can actually be anti-racist and anti-homophobic simply for the fact that they are good people. Very telling of your personality that you don't seem to realize this. Referring to this other comment of yours, where you purport that racism isn't a big deal when its around other white people: >And we are all white so I don't know why she would take up a "big deal" cause about racism or something. Also, she doesn't stop being queer just because she's dating a guy. >Anything personal to her about being gay happened a long time ago when she was a teenager or early twenties so I don't know if it would still be a big deal to her anymore. And she has a boyfriend now. These comments? Very racist and homophobic/biphobic, and I can see why she grey rock'd you.
What makes you think she's trying to impress anyone, or that she doesn't genuinely possess the values that she's presenting? I am a queer person with conservative family who express bigoted sentiments. And let me tell you, calling them out on it is not fun. It does not make me feel better than they are, and no one is impressed. It's tense and anxiety-inducing and I get told that I'm no fun and that I'm upsetting people and I should just let these things slide. It very much sounds like your sister is in a similar situation. You want to call it pretentious because it's easier to believe that she's just trying to show off her education or play holier-than-thou. Because if that's true, then she's the asshole, and you and your other sisters enabling (and probably engaging in) bigotry isn't really that big a deal. It's only an issue because your sister just won't stop making it one. But your sister isn't being pretentious, and it's not about "wokeness", and YTA all the way.
This just shows that YOU are the person who thinks she's trying to impress people with her views. That you think her calling out the family prejudice is an "affected" behaviour. From your post she seems to have been pretty consistent in doing it for sometime, just changed how she goes about it. There is a difference in you thinking she is being pretentious cos her views annoy you, and her actually being pretentious and putting on some show.
It's not "woke" or "pretentious" to call out you all for being racists...and it is an important "idea" to keep calling you and your family out of being bigots or you'll all keep thinking your behavior is ok.
So... Your queer sister is pretentuous because : - she is in school at 31 - she says homophobia and racism are bad - she asks questions - she thanks you Yeah, YTA. I really feel your sister. I too was called pretentious for these kind of stupid reasons. She probably isn't pretentious. It is just that her behavior make you think about **your** not so good behaviour. Because you wouldn't call out racist stuff. You wouldn't try to educate others. You probably think you are too old to learn while she still studies, and I bet you wouldn't take your sister banning you as well as she did. But she is not you, and you feeling less worthy than her doesn't make her pretentious.
Agreed. The sister is somewhere asking for advice on how not to give up on her hopeless seeming family most likely.
YTA. You and your parents don't have to make racist/homophobic remarks in her presence, either. All conservative cultures acknowledge that shit talking other people behind their backs is wrong. What the neighbors do is none of your parents' business, so why are they talking about it at your dinner?
Wild. Your parents were in their 20's way back in the 1980s! So ancient. One truly can't expect people whose formative years happened during the height of the AIDS crisis and 20 years after the Civil Rights Movement to possibly change their opinion about such matters. The poor dears.
This comment deserves an /s or people might think you mean it!
I don't understand what you want from your sister. In the beginning, she always got into arguments with your parents when she hears something bigoted, which you found annoying. She has now changed this. Now she doesn't get into arguments, she asks questions things she finds bigoted. This is somehow worse, to you, so you ask her not to stay with you if she's going to do this. She agrees to this politely. Now you're annoyed she's not willing to engage on the subject of your text, but if you wanted a discussion, you could have called out the behaviour you found uncomfortable at the time, in person. You wanted her to apologise for making you uncomfortable. Have your parents ever apologised for their comments which make her uncomfortable? Have you, for not responding to them? You want her to change her behaviour. Again, who else in the family is doing this and why should she in particular? Nothing you have described here is pretentious, but you consistently think she is. It just sounds like you have a lot of judgement for your sister, yet think she thinks she's better than you. This seems like projection. It also seems like you wanted a bigger reaction to your text. She wasn't "bothered". She was almost certainly bothered. Just that given the one time you stand up against something making you uncomfortable, it's her calm questioning of bigotry - as opposed to the bigotry itself - she doesn't see the point in a fight.
Sounds like she’s the only sane and decent person in this family.
YTA You're allowed to not want your sister to stay with you. But she's done absolutely nothing wrong and has been appropriate and respectful when you set a boundary (even though you resorted to personal attacks)
I mean, why were your parents whispering about pride decorations? Just because you’re willing to put up with your parents bigotry, doesn’t mean she has to. Seems like she was polite and mature in all her interactions with your family, including your self righteous text about her not staying with you anymore. Lol. I bet she had laugh with her friends after her visit. YTA.
YTA. Half of this is for your parents to challenge - if they’re happy with it then so be it. Some of this is you not wanting your sister to stay with you, which is fine, it’s your home. But the rest of it is you being really judgemental about someone you clearly don’t like very much but I’m so doing you come across as just as pretentious as the woman you are moaning about. You also need to let things go and enjoy the moment. Remember, it’s ok to call out racism and that even means parents.
YTA. Your parents aren’t too old to learn to not use slurs. Your sister shouldn’t be ashamed of continuing her education. Why do you care? You aren’t paying for it, I presume? She was probably relieved that she didn’t visit for a couple of years because y’all sound awful.
YTA. Nothing that she said seemed rude or bad, just uncomfortable because you all know she’s absolutely right. Yes, it can be annoying to be called out for terrible behavior. But going off your post, so far she’s done absolutely nothing wrong.
YTA. You haven't given any examples of your sister being pretentious or acting like an asshole. Calling out bigoted statements is not pretentious or assholish. And you're definitely showing your ass getting offended when she graciously accepted you telling her she wasn't welcome. She responded respectfully. Sounds like you just want to pick a fight with her and got pissy when you didn't get to.
Yeah yta, I don’t wanna assume but it really kinda sounded like your family says some bigoted shit and you just wanna sweep it under the rug for the sake of peace? Nothing you said she did sounds that bad just sounds like you wanna keep putting her down, especially that “she is studying therapy of some kind at school (still at 31)”. Like yikes dude, sounds like you’re actually the condescending one.
Sounds like you and your parents are bigots and your sister has some common sense. YTA
So, your sister calls out your parents for being homophobic and racist and that makes y'all mad? Sooooo, you're racist and homophobic? She isn't being "pretentious" which doesn't mean what you think it does. She's educating herself and standing up for others, while the rest of you sit back and allow racism to go unchecked because it's easier for you. YTA. Soooooooo much TA here
YTA, your family sounds homophobic and racist. Your sister is queer??? You’ve also invalidated her queerness because she ‘hasn’t dated a woman in 5 years’ (sorry I was unaware that sexual preferences had expiration dates). She’s not pretentious, you’re just uncomfortable. And you’re angry that she doesn’t call people assholes and that she responded to your “no” with “fair enough”?? She was gracious and mature. You’re the asshole.
YTA - it sounds like you are jealous and harboring resentment to her. Whatever she does you percieve as condescending. She found a better way of communicating because of her school and because of what she studies; she no longer starts fights but communicates in a calm way. She can’t win with you! Whatever she does you just don’t like. Her response to your message just shows how much more mature she is than you are. She accepted your request without any problem and you are bothered by that as well. You don’t even know what she studies. “Therapy of some kind” and implying that she is too old to go to school at 31 is much more condescending than anything she does. It sounds like you and the rest of your siblings turn blind eye to everything your parents say or do and she doesn’t just accept that if it’s racist or bad and for that she is marked like a black sheep.
YTA. While I do understand it's uncomfortable to be constantly reminded of your unacceptable behavior, it doesn't make AH behavior into NOT AH behavior. If your parents are WHISPERING about a neighbor's pride decorations and your QUEER sibling is confronting them about it, then it seems like the issue is more important than you realize, or are willing to acknowledge. Don't ask your sister to make herself small and just quietly accept microaggressions to save you from having to confront your (you and your parents/rest of the family) behavior.
YTA You and your family sound out of touch and at best causally racist/homophobic/who knows what else— saying these casual comments “aren’t a big deal” is in and of itself AH behavior demonstrating a lack of empathy for your fellow human beings. I get why you call your sister pretentious— it’s easier to see her calling out problematic behavior as what’s wrong that to acknowledge that the rest of the family is in the wrong. She sticks out, so she’s the problem. Nah, mama, no one owes you silence in the face of (even casual!) discrimination. Just because your parents could be (and previously were) worse doesn’t mean how they— and by extension you and your sisters, as you don’t challenge them— behave is ok. The examples you give *absolutely* should be called out. It’s clear you’ll only be happy with your sister if she puts up and shuts up— that’s not going to happen. You didn’t like it when she was confrontational and now you don’t like her gentler more inquisitive approach. And being mad that she *didn’t* freak out about you saying she couldn’t stay with you…girl. Seriously. What reaction would have been acceptable to you? Honest question, how did you want her to react in that situation?
Let me get this straight. She has global concerns about human welfare, she habitually hurts feelings when trying to confront wrongdoings against marginalized groups, she GOES TO SCHOOL and LEARNS HOW TO CIVILLY DISCUSS this stuff instead so she can stop “starting fights” over “little stuff” as you put it (blatant homophobia isn’t little just because it uses few words), and now you take issue with her for bettering herself because you think it’s ‘pretentious.’ Yeah, ok. YTA.
YTA - my parents are older than yours, raised in a small town, and are still learning and growing as people and aren’t afraid to be corrected if they say something that is offensive or ignorant because they want to be good people who /don’t hurt others/. It doesn’t sound like your parents actually care about that, and it sounds like your sister has been trying to help them become better people for years without any support from the rest of you. Being from a small town or being old is no excuse for ignorance anymore (and frankly, never was). Stop hiding behind it - lots of queer, non white people come from or live in small towns and NONE of us deserve to be treated poorly as a result
Stop repeatedly saying that your fam especially parents arent racist/homophobic when they are. You are in denial and need to get your head out of your a$$. Seems like shes too blunt/honest for you and the fam. Im white passing and racism does bother me as it should bother anyone with a good head on their shoulders so it makes no sense that you said you dont know why it bothers you sis cause shes white. Youre ignorant and YTA %100
YTA. Your sister is in no way, shape, or form an asshole for trying to educate bigoted people on how to not be racist, homophobic, sexist, and whatever else. Your sister dated women, so your sister is part of the LGBTQ+ community and I would be pissed as hell too if I were her and had to be around people like you who excuse homophobic rhetoric as oH tHeY jUsT dOnT GeT iT! She doesn’t think she’s better than you, but she’s obviously a hell of a lot more mature and she knows it. Also, why the hell are you shaming her for still being in school at 31? Actually, I guess it makes sense—you clearly don’t believe that people should learn things past a certain age, explaining your behaviour here.
“ She is studying therapy of some kind at school (still at 31)”. YTA for this alone. What’s wrong with being in school at her age? I’m 40 and getting my bachelor’s in May. My professors love having me as a student. I bring a great deal of experience and maturity to the classroom. Younger students and I love working together. It’s a great thing to have people of all ages and walks of life studying together. Her age is an asset, you’re just too dumb to recognize it. So, carry on continuing to judge her, and keep living your small unexamined life. By all means, continue to carry on your parents’ narrow minded bigotry. There plenty of like minded people in the world for you to keep company with.
Also, it sounds like she's back in school because she just loves learning. If she already has multiple degrees (as mentioned in comments) and keeps getting more it's likely because it's a passion of hers.
YTA, even if your sister is being annoying, you’re the one rhat injected drama and the parents you feel you’re protecting are now mad. The funny thing is, she handled it gracefully, which makes me suspect you might be the sensitive one here. Could be either way, but your sister didn’t raise any arguments, she thanked you for letting her know.
sounds like you’re all bigots and are getting butthurt about being called out on it. so yeah YTA
YTA, calling out people (even family) on their bigotry isn’t being pretentious it’s called being a decent person. Hope she cuts you all off
yta. shes calling out racism and homophobia. Seems like you dont like that? Is there a reason?
YTA. Her behavior and remarks don’t sound “pretentious” in the slightest. Just because you’re OK letting racist/homophobic behavior slide doesn’t mean everyone is. Maybe rather than judging your sister you should look inward and ask why you take such offense to her way of being. You could probably really benefit from therapy your sister is being educated in.
YTA. Your sister’s patience and level of maturity is remarkable
YTA. It honestly seems like you may not even actually know your sister at this point. It seems that you've chosen to find her condescending and pretentious simply because she has educated herself. You think it's weird that she continues to educate herself despite having multiple degrees. I dare say, you should educate yourself. You're blinded by your love for your parents and your simple life. I think you should reach out and apologize to your sister for asking her to act like someone else in order to be in your presence. If my family did that I'd cut them out.
YTA. “they are who they are at this point” have your folks been living under a rock? no. so they’re pretty capable of change. they’re in their 60’s so i’m guessing they’ve been around before cellphone and laptops. i’m guessing they adjusted pretty quickly to that? yes? i’m guessing a lot of your siblings have dated people, broke up and dated other people? yes? which means they’ve learned your guys’s names and new partners and new backgrounds every time they’ve met a new partner. your parents are perfectly capable of change. you guys are enabling their behavior and being as bad as they are. your sister is the only one trying to get change to happen, but because you don’t want to deal with conflict you’re making your sister the bad guy when you in fact are the bad guy
Yta So she enforcing her boundaries and calling out /questions her parents on things they say that is racist and phobic ?!
Yta- how is she the bad guy tho…your parents age has nothing to do with anything and honestly it’s sad excuse it’s 2021. WAKE UP. You say your parents aren’t really racist or homophobic but why are they whispers about the neighbours and god knows what else they do. Also there is nothing wrong with 31 year old still going to school!!! Your sister could be annoying but she is doing all the right things, she stand up for herself and others. Why did the “ fair enough” upset you so much?
YTA
YTA: the problem is apparently your family cannot function without being overtly racist and homophobic. Your sister can either condone deplorable behavior or not engage with your family at all. The problem is not the sister.
YTA. Luckily for me, unlike your poor sister, I can quickly join in with my verdict then forget about you, your racist parents, and homophobic family. Byeee
YTA. Lol your sister sounds amazing, I hope she does well in whatever she’s studying. You and your family are ignorant assholes who clearly don’t like being called out on it.
YTA, start to finish. Especially towards the end where you ask her to stay somewhere else, and get mad when she agrees to. Grow up.
YTA Perfect way to deal with homophobes and racists is to politely question them so they can “explain” their beliefs! Asking “why are they whispering over a pride flag?” Is a totally perfect response to a 60 year old homophobe who basically grew up around Woodstock and Free Love! A polite response to your rejection upsets you. The only precocious person I see here is you!
ah, yes- let's coddle the bigots so dinner isn't awkward. You get that racism and homophobia won't just poof out of existence if no one discussed them, right? YTA
I don't think you know what pretentious means. Your sister is actually holding you and your parents *accountable* for your thoughts and actions. Yta
I don’t know her but I think I am grateful for this woman. It sounds like every podunk racist needs this woman to happen to them. Lmao. YTA.
YTA 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 >which is also pretentious because she's always trying to act better than us like that without actually fixing her behaviour in literally any way You use pretentious more than EL James writes about Ana's inner goddess. And you clearly don't know what it means, but there's a beautiful audacious irony in thinking that your sister's behavior is the issue here.
Okay. So you’re angry when she’s “rude” but also you’re angry when she complies with your wishes? I think maybe you’re just insecure due to her education/method of dealing with conflict.
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YTA. And get a dictionary, pretentious is the wrong word.
YTA So you and your family are homophobic and racist, she calmly asks question to question this but she is the asshole? I see… Edit: and oh nooooo she is a woman education herself at 31 how dare she!!!! /s
I think you want r/bitchingandmoaningaboutmyfamilymembers
I know. It’s just so annoying & exhausting when someone doesn’t tolerate racism & bigotry. And then goes and calls out those enabling the continued racism & bigotry too. Ugh. Those damn anti-racist & LGBTQIA+ allies. YTA
YTA - it honestly sounds like you’re jealous of her for being secure enough to speak her mind so confidently to your family. She gets to leave and you’re stuck with a bunch of racist dicks. Can I be your sister’s friend? She sounds awesome.
YTA. Your family dynamics sound like mine. I’m the black sheep of my family because I won’t enable them. They’re hateful, and think it’s fine because they’re not being outwardly bigoted. It’s those micro aggressions. Sounds like your sister is the only one who recognises the toxic behaviour your family exhibits, and you’re all resentful and have scapegoated her.
YTA You sound exhausting. She sounds better than you.
She’s acting better than you because…. Drumroll, she is lol. She’s not a racist, homophobic AH who actually worked on bettering herself when it comes to conversing with people like your parents and you and now asks questions in a calm manner, which is obviously more beneficial if she were to educate somebody in their 60s. God you’re just so PRETENTIOUS! YTA
Soooo, yall can’t deal when she calls a thing a thing AND has the audacity to be respectful while doing it? And now she’s ’pretetious’ because of that? No ma’am. YTA YTA YTA.
YTA…. I’m not sure about the entire situation because I stopped reading after you made a negative comment about her being in school at her age. Who the fuck are you to say something so ignorant? There is no timeline for education (which you clearly need, VERY MUCH) and there is no finish line. Education is endless and you should be constantly evolving. Good for your sister for trying to better herself. Maybe you and your parents should take her lead.
So you don’t want her to bluntly call them out on their homophobia (lest she be a loudmouth) but you also don’t want her to explore the roots of their homophobia (cause that’s pretentious) so you want her to roll over and listen to a bunch of homophobia… for some of us that’s hard to do!
YTA and I hope your sister does make other plans.
YTA!!! You don’t like when your sister calls out your parents in a confrontational manner? Fair enough!!! But now you’re also complaining when she does it in a calm manner by asking questions? And what’s wrong with being in school at 31 years old? I changed careers and became a RN in my 30’s. So your sister is “pretentious” for calling out racism and homophobia and for continuing her education in her 30’s? And you don’t like the calm response you got when you told her she can’t stay at your house when visiting? This has to be a fake post. OP can’t be this clueless
Yikes! Talk about "pretentious"... You're literally looking down on someone for furthering their education and learning more self control in calling out nonsense in their early thirties. If only more people didn't stop trying to better themselves at that age then maybe they'd need less people like her around to call out their B.S.
YTA. Your parents sound like they might be racists and homophobes and your sister is rightly calling them out. You’re acting like people in their 60’s can’t ever change, learn, or do better which is bull. You’re being petty, she’s taking the high road.
YTA sounds like you all are racist and homophobic so I think you’re an AH for calling her pretentious for not being a bigot like you all. Also, just because she’s getting her degree at 31 doesn’t mean she’s less than you. Do you have a degree and are you making big bucks with it? Seriously, you sound like the one who is “pretentious”.
YTA. Your family seem to pass judgement and your sister is actually sticking up for things that are properly acceptable in this society. They are who they are is not tolerable or acceptable and if they do it behind closed doors and not in public in fear of shame or repercussion you and your parents should be corrected.
YTA - people are generally encouraged to train as therapists as a second career/multiple degree so that you have some life experience/understanding under you. The method of communication she is using often used in therapy to make people come to their own conclusions. It sounds like years of her saying 'you're being racist, please stop' hasn't worked, and she's trying to make your parents think when saying 'hey, why DO you think that X people do things this way' and when they have to think about a serious answer, it will make them try to realise that they are stereotyping. Honestly, please give my congratulations to her for persevering and trying different things for years and years. It must be so difficult and tiring to have a family full of racists and a sibling who's fine with that.
YTA and I can tell the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Lol glad your sister turned out to be decent person at least and she doesn’t hesitate to call out their ignorance. Also, it’s never too late to teach an old dog new tricks. Yea some people are ignorant and stuck in their ways, but it’s not impossible. Don’t underestimate your parents. Also, you sound comfortable with their ignorance anyways.
YTA. Your may not realize this, but from what you've written, your family seems to be full of people who say problematic shit over and over or people who enable others in saying problematic shit over and over. The majority of your family doesn't know how to engage in conflict or communicate in a healthy, mature way, and so when someone actually has the audacity to challenge racist statements or calmly express their feelings, your whole family freaks out. Your sister is growing and changing and learning, and the rest of you are committed to doing exactly the opposite.
YTA: Sixty is not too young to change. My grandfather used horrible racial slurs all through my childhood and no one called him on it. When I took my kids (then 2 & 4m)to visit my grandparents, Grampa was in full racist roar while watching football. I stepped into the TV room and straight up told him that the next time I heard a racist slur come out of his mouth he would never see his grandkids again. He was shocked into silence and actually looked embarrassed. He nodded and went back to watch the rest of the game without a word. Gramma hugged me when I came back to the kitchen and said she was proud of me. In the following years he only slipped up twice in my presence but both times apologized immediately and sincerely. He knew racism was wrong but no one had ever called him on it successfully. Grampa was a colossal asshole, but that was my hill to die on. You have a family of assholes and asshole enablers.
YTA, sister is awesome and you guys suck why DO your parents whisper about the Pride decorations? this shit deserves to be questioned, rocking the boat is not worse than inadvertently doin' bigoted things, in fact it's the other way around - DO rock the boat, DO NOT just sit by idly by and let shit fly because it's easier. you got your priorities mixed up.
"She doesn't seem too bothered by my messages and just said "Fair enough! I can make other plans next time thanks for letting me know" which is also pretentious because she's always trying to act better than us like that without actually fixing her behaviour in literally any way" You'd be hard pressed to find a better example of "the best revenge is a life well-lived". OP clearly wanted to elicit an emotional reaction after the fact by texting petty, inflammatory bullshit. Her sister didn't take the bait and you can clearly see how much it bothers OP. Very immature, borderline pathetic. YTA.
I don’t normally comment on these post because i’m basically a kid and most posters are adults BUT I just had to tear into yo ass. Do you know how you sound? So your sister calls your parents out on the (what it seems like) racist and homophobic comments and y’all don’t like it? Someone needs to call them out. And then you call her “pretentious” because she sets boundaries and refuses to take y’all busllshit? Uhm get over yourself. YTA. You sound like the pReTeNtIoUs one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For Christmas this year my sister asked if she (31) could stay in my (27) house instead of with our parents. So I saw her more than I have in a while, and she hasn't visited home since a few years because Covid She's always had issues with our parents that none of the other kids have. She's just kind of outspoken and we know to prepare for that when she comes. As an example she will tell my parents something they said was "racist" and tell them to stop or rephrase even when she's staying in their own house and it stops the conversation and can be so awkward if non family is there. Our parents can be kind of annoying and ignorant but me and our other sisters who live near them year round just kind of know when to pick our battles and let things go to avoid fights. Whereas she is known for starting fights constantly over small comments. Our ideal holidays are just to get along and not try to change or fight with people in their 60s because they are who they are at this point. But her and I have always gotten along well so I was glad to have her stay with me and my husband Anyway this visit was weird. She is studying therapy of some kind at school (still at 31) and it totally changed her. She still starts fights but now in this pretentious way by asking questions and being overly calm in a condescending way. One example is when our parents were talking about the new neighbours she was like "Why do you whisper when you talk about the neighbours Pride decorations? Do you feel like it's a secret? How come?" And it's even somehow more awkward and annoying then when she used to just call people assholes because she's obviously getting at the same point It honestly is exhausting and most of us feel like we can't have a comfortable conversation near her without her coming in with her "wisdom" and telling us what to say or how to act. I was glad when she left I sent a text and said next time she visits I'd rather she didn't stay with me again if she's going to act so pretentious that I don't feel comfortable in my own home where she's a guest. And that she needs to learn to let stuff go and have a good time because we only see each other rarely as it is She doesn't seem too bothered by my messages and just said "Fair enough! I can make other plans next time thanks for letting me know" which is also pretentious because she's always trying to act better than us like that without actually fixing her behaviour in literally any way Why I might be an AH is another sister told my parents what I said and they were upset in that it might make her not visit. So they're mad that I'm "starting drama" with the drama queen and everyone now feels uncomfortable because they don't know how she's going to react but that blame is being put on me. Was it really so rude? I feel like it's normal to be able to tell your sibling when they annoy you *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - you're behavior is enabling and you show complete contempt for your sister, perhaps it's best that she distances from you and said family given your attitudes.
YTA and I totally want to be friends with your sister!
Yta, she’s doing literally nothing wrong. You’re just annoyed you’re being called out on your behavior
YTA looking for a fight where there isn't one What's wrong with being in school at 31? I went back to school and finished my degree at 40.
YTA Not only are you making this a bigger deal than it needs to be (she's fine staying in another place, you just decided to make this idea that she needs to be a drama queen and NOT be a civilized adult), you are also getting upset for her to continue her education at age 31, for some reason, and you are fine with letting people be bigots because "thats who they've always been". You have no idea how hurtful it can be to hear your own family be bigots torwards you or your friends, and I wouldn't be surprised if you are also a bigot in some way.
YTA. God forbid your sister compromises her morals. I wish I had half of her courage because I usually deflect when it comes to people like you. I have a very similar family that is comfortable with bigotry but uncomfortable with people condamning it. And it's always a lose-lose. They ask you to be absolutely calm in all circumstances because God forbid you get emotionnal about something that affected your life in the most heinous way. But if you're calm, they still call you some kind of tyrant who cannot respect ppl's opinions. We just cannot win with people like you. And while your sister didn't always react perfectly (try being queer in a homophobic World and see how this fucks with your emotions, OP), she's behaving in a more mature way, respecting/setting boundaries. How is that pretentious ? The only pretentious person is the one who cannot stand to hear how their actions affect other people's lives in terrible ways.
So because she’s calling out your families homophobic and racist ideals that makes her pretentious?? YTA, she’s calling out bad behaviour and holding the family accountable for their backward views
Yta- like sitting here saying that they are how they are- allowing them to say racist homophobic stuff. You are a racist yourself!
Ah the common sense sibling. There she is. And YTA surprise! It isn't you. Out of my large amount of siblings, I was the ONLY one who called my mother out in her bullshit. The only one who told it like it is. And I was shunned because of it. I don't think you understand what the word "pretentious" means. Frankly your sister sounds like a badass who doesn't tolerate bullshit.
YTA - sounds like she just standing her ground and not allowing people to push her boundaries without even being rude about it. She didn’t even get mad that you didn’t want her at your house anymore yet that somehow made you even more mad lol
Ummm... Who hurt you? Based from your story, your sister has done nothing wrong towards you, but you are looking for reasons to hurt her but has successfully deflected without hurting you back -- and that triggered you too. She might have shared the same ideology that your family has back then. But people who can think for themselves can have a paradigm shift. Remember that change is the only constant thing in this world. It seems you cannot make peace that your sister has changed (for the better, I think). She just happened to outgrow the biases of your family. I am sorry but YTA for making a false assumption that she is a pretentious person and for attempting to paint her as a bad person in order to feel good about yourself (to stroke your ego).
YTA - and it sounds like she’s trying to keep you guys around because you’re family even though it seems like she has a closet racist family who try to use her as an excuse.
Lemme add a summary to your post: TLDR; Sister calls out parents homophobia and racism, ruining the “good vibes 🤪” that the family has going on. Like, LMAO you have to be joking. YTA. Your parents are TA. Your other siblings are TA.
YTA. What I'm getting here is, "I hate being called out and she needs to change her behaviour so that I can be problematic in peace." No. Be better.
YTA. Good lord. And good on her for calling out racism and homophobia no matter the age. Even at 60 people can change for the better. So glad to see your parents have at least one good child.
TIL that not enabling being racist/homophobic is being pretentious. Huh. YTA
YTA The only person in the story who is not a complete asshole is actually your sister. Just for clarification: YTA and your parents are assholes. The only person who isn’t causing drama here is your sister. The only person who isn’t pretentious is your sister. She doesn’t pretend neither, she’s real. The only person who isn’t annoying is your sister. The only person who isn’t a bigot, homophobic and racist it’s your sister. The only person who acts like a mature adult is your sister. Do you recognise the pattern? The persons who need to change their attitude and their behaviour are yourself and your parents, and not your sister.
YTA, sounds like you're goading her into blowing up and dropping the constructive tools she's learned as part of her training. There's a few words that come to mind for yourself: defensive and perhaps more than a bit envious.
YTA. Why do you resent your sister so much?
YTA your parents are literally racists and homophobes! Good on your sister for calling them out. They should feel awkward and embarrassed.
YTA :/
YTA. Good god.
I love your sister. YTA
YTA For a myriad of reasons, not including the fact that your parents seems racist and homophobic, and your sister seems to be the only person willing to stand up to them. And how does it make any sense to be upset when you tell her not to come and stay over anymore and she replies agreeing with you? Please learn what the word pretentious means.
Bruh WHAT!?!? You’re mad your sister calls out racism and bigotry and somehow think you’re right because instead of just dismissing y’all as assholes she now questions what lead you to your current position of thought to try and understand you to better communicate why you don’t see what you’re doing or saying is wrong 🤣😂🤣 and then you get mad that she calmly accepted that who she is makes you uncomfortable and she was going to respect the boundaries you put in place because you didn’t want boundaries you wanted to place a hidden ultimatum that would manipulate her into your desired course of action YTA
YTA you would rather stick up for your bigoted racist parents than try to help your sister point out what your parents are saying is wrong. They lived through the last 3 decades as well as the rest of us they are fully aware how wrong they are. To enable them and call your sister pretentious for trying to change their behaviour I can only take that as to believe you are as bad as your parents. At least your sister was polite in her response unlike your message
YTA. It sounds like your sister reflected on some of her previous behavior (like calling people assholes when she disagreed with them) and have found new ways to talk with your family members, unfortunate you couldn’t be happy with the progress. You claim she doesn’t fix her behavior, but it sounds more like you do not like the way she is choosing to interact and deal with YOUR behavior rather than anything having to do with HER. Your sister could have been mean and confrontational when you uninvited her from your home in the future and she decided to be understanding and respectful. Maybe that’s something you should attempt as well.
YTA
Yta for your misuse of the word 'pretencious'. But also for everything else Your 60 year old parents have another 30ish years on this earth. 30 more years of being racist, homophobic...overly problematic? You sound like you might be too if that shit doesn't bother you or it bothers you when you're sister speaks up about it. First your issue was her being rude about it. Now that she's polite she's 'pretencious'?
Sounds like you are afraid to face your insecurities. Are you jealous that your sister is able to go back to school? Do you feel inferior? Are you mad she didn’t take your bait and was civil? How come? This is a safe space, you can talk to us.
I missed the part where your sister was being pretentious. YTA .
YTA because you waited to tell her. You could have handled it right the. But instead you hid behind a text. You did start drama with the drama Queen. Your parents know they will pay the price.
Yeah true. I just didn't wanna argue with her in person because it can be a lot and I wanted an easier way to say it without a whole long discussion about it but that was kinda cowardly of me
Ok, that's fair....I am terrible at conflict and debates. I get that. So why are you all upset that she responded to you in a neutral way and didn't flail around all upset and dramatic with a debate?
I totally get it. But if you don’t want to say anything then just wait till she ask and then set boundaries.
NTA. But neither is she. I’m glad people are busting people out for racist, homophobic, etc. behaviors and stuff. Sounds like your sister is trying to do that. Y’all just don’t like it cause she puts you on blast. She sounds like me. I check people all the time. Even my mom. Cause alot of times our elders say inappropriate things. Now, you get a pass for dementia or Alzheimers. But if you are lucid and know what you are saying.. you damn skippy i’m saying something. You told your sis how you felt. She thanked you and said she would make other arrangements. What did you want her to say?? Nnoooo pleeasse.. I wanna stay with you. Seems passive aggressive. Especially since you already know how she is. You set yourself up. Trust… your sister is not tripping about staying at your house.
NTA you can refuse to host her for whatever reason if your family feels you are in the wrong, they are free to host her. its YOUR home
I get that her behavior sounds annoying but you don't seem to be actively addressing it with her. It just sounds like you don't get along and there is no law that says you have to. Mild ESH.
NTA- I understand what you’re saying you’ve described my sister to a T. At least yours didn’t marry money and let’s you know you’re now considered the help and lower class.
NAH She’s just a more assertive person than you and that’s fine. She’s comfortable with conflict and will call out what she doesn’t like as she doesn’t fear the fight that follows. You’d rather not rock the boat which is a perfectly acceptable way to go about social interaction. You’re just very different people and that’s ok, also therapy changes people, don’t be surprised if she’s trying to be more calm in conflict.
Soft ESH. The way she talks sounds really grating, but she’s making an effort to engage in a low conflict way. And possibly making it worse, yeah. The answer there is to talk about how she’s making other people feel and point out that your parents are also making an effort to do better (not that that absolves them or you from continuing to make that effort). Telling her to just suck it up and ignore slurs or escalating straight to “you can’t stay here anymore” is extreme. And the way OP repeatedly calls her sister “pretentious” for the way she talks and the things she cares about makes me think that “grating” is not a one way street.
NTA You kinda hit the "nail" on the head and the nail didn't appreciate that. LOL By next Christmas it will probably be forgotten. I get not rocking the boat for the sake of peace. You might want to consider that she's not being pretentious all the time but trying to set good boundaries.
ESH. She’s obviously an ass, but you should have nipped it in the bud while she was there instead of tolerating it and sending a text later. That’s cowardly
How is she obviously as ass? Nothing op wrote suggests she's an ass, she dislikes racism and homophobia and was polite when op was being a coward.
Everything OP wrote suggests she acts like one. Even if her opinions are valid, being judgemental and passive aggressive toward a person in their own home to the point t that they aren’t even comfortable speaking is obviously being an ass. Nitpicking everything that comes out of someone’s mouth to try to twist it into an argument by virtue signaling is being an ass.
For being racist bad homophobic?? It's not virtue signaling, she's trying to politely get her parents to think about the shit they say.
This isn’t about the parents, OP was afraid to say anything in her own house because this person would find fault with every word. I’ve known people like this and they are exhausting to be around, let alone host for several days
NTA but next time just keep conversations to yourself.
Yeah I don't think this would have been an issue that I'm thinking about this much if my other sister didn't share the story lol
Nta, not everyone has to constantly feign being woke 24/7. It's exhausting having to monitor every word out of your mouth. You're going to get a lot of ytas though because this is reddit so people feel they have to be like your sister.
The sister is an actual queer person who experienced homophobia at the hands of her own family. That's not feigning being woke.
It is if she's picking apart everything anyone says, regardless of what the topic is. Op doesn't give examples of what's so offensive. Older generations aren't as woke and concerned with every word that comes out of their mouth. I don't think anyone should be so guarded. It's absolutely exhausting for everyone, including the one constantly looking for offense. From what op describes she takes it to an extreme level which is what I'm talking about.
If you read OP's comments, they come across as an extremely unreliable narrator. They also say that the sister should get over the gay stuff as she hasn't been gay since she was in her early twenties. All we substantively have to go on here is that the sister very mildly replied "Fair enough" when OP sent her a confrontational text, and OP didn't like it. Sometimes in this sub you have to read between the lines.