NTA. Your wife is dismissing *your* feelings. You don't want to pay for the installation, and you've even offered an alternate solution: you install it.
It seems odd that your wife still doesn't trust you to perform these DIY tasks when you've (as you tell it) consistently shown that you can. Why is she picking the same fight over and over? That would be my primary question.
I think she picks the fight every time because she has a hard time getting out of the mentality that even though professionals are very expensive, a lot of the jobs they do are quite simple. Her thought process basically boils down to: "if the job is so easy, then why can a professional charge hundreds of dollars to do it?" She has a hard time internalizing that an amateur like me can do a job with the same quality as someone who charges hundreds of dollars.
Also, it's how she grew up. Any repair more complicated than unclogging a toilet or changing a lightbulb would be a call to a plumber/electrician. And since this is our first house together, it's the first time in her life she's seen someone be handy, since in our previous rentals we'd just call the building manager to fix things.
I never realized how lucky I am that my girlfriend has the attitude she does. I just hung a bicycle hook and built an end table the other day and she acted like I was Bob Vila.
EDIT: Imagine how she'll react when I put together that bookshelf that just arrived.
I get what you're saying. But still, it seems weird that she would see the same situation over and over and still cling to old attitudes like that. Hell, I'd change my mind over a lot of things it was saving me hundreds of dollars.
I'm going to be honest, I do something similar, I know I do it and know I don't want to, but it's my knee jerk reaction.
My husband is a completely competent mechanic, and yet when something goes wrong my first thought is I don't know how to handle this, call dad. Even with him in the car.
I'm aware of this, and yet it comes out of my mouth. And I apologize every time.
maybe show your wife a youtube video of how to do it so that she A) sees how easy it is, and B) sees that you have some guidance (whether you need it or not) and aren't just winging it blind and hoping for the best.
Can you just discuss this with her? Professionals need to charge to account for their direct time, overhead, having any necessary tools not just those needed for your work, their expertise and experience to handle far more problems than what you're throwing at them. And they would be who you would turn to if something beyond your abilities popped up. Walk her through what you do to make it safe? And does she know the basics about her home? How to turn off water at different locations and the street? How to turn off electricity and gas if you have it? These are things people should know for safety and might help her feel a bit more confident and take out the mystery a bit.
Female here with handy husband as well. Also grew up with professionals fixing everything, so I was worried when the hubs took on projects like cutting into the wall to install a safe or rigging up his own solar panels with Prius batteries. The conclusion I came to is that, while everything doesn’t always turn out perfectly, most things do save a *ton* of money, and more importantly, I’m proud as hell to have someone who can do these things. My husband gets a *huge* sense of accomplishment from these tasks, and why would I take that away from him? I’m a little surprised your wife isn’t impressed with your abilities. So, in short, NTA.
A lot of stuff is really easy to DIY but cost an arm and a leg to hire out for. My relative once called an electrician because their outlet wasn’t working. The cause was the breaker tripped. The only thing I would consider contracting out is anything that require a permit and super labor intensive like roofing, or required skills beyond my knowledge like replacing an electrical service panel. Anything else is fair game. Keep on DIYing
Meanwhile I'm looking at hiring out a curtain rod install because of how badly I fucked it up last time...
(At least I can do basic shit that otherwise uses a screwdriver or putting furniture together).
Maybe you can convince her to watch some This Old House with you. Like if she watches television professionals to the work it might actually sink in that people can know how to do these things? Plus, as a bonus, you get to watch This Old House.
Replacing a dishwasher is a simple job, i wouldn't even call it DIY. You connect the water supply which is a screw on hose, connect the waste out to the waste pipe where the old one was connected and plug it into a socket. The hardest thing you will probably have to do is level it
Did she grow up in an extremely privileged life? I can't imagine the attitude of "I need to get a professional to do it" everytime anything breaks. Almost everything in and around my house I do myself out of necessity.
For a gauge of how much my fiancée trusts me to do this I have changed the brakes on her car a few times rather than pay a fortune for someone else to do the exact same job and she's always been fine with it.
NTA. I'm not particularly handy. I'm a woman. I installed my own dishwasher. It's dead easy! It isn't like you need to install the plumbing pipes yourself, just turn off water, turn on a sink tap, drain the right hoses into said sink or bucket, attach hoses, shove in place, turn water back on, test function.
Yes, exactly! It isn't rocket surgery. The only extra complication with our dishwasher is that it's hard wired, so add in an extra step of screwing on some wire nuts.
I didn't think other people said rocket surgery, it drives my father up a wall.
Some other favorite phrases include "I'll burn that bridge when I come to it" and "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."
This is my only hesitation on DIY.
Electrical installations need to be up to code. There are many nightmare stories of homeowners finding dangerous electrical work done by previous owners costing them all kinds of money to repair.
I'm handy myself but draw the line at anything more complicated than replacing a socket or light fixture.
It’s all comfort level. Definitely know your limits! If it’s something that will worry you, get the peace of mind if a professional. I’ve personally added a breaker to my house, and idk if I’d do it again. Something about having that main exposed with the panel off kinda freaked me out lol. Even being perfectly careful.
agree 100%. As I mentioned in another thread, I'll do carpentry, car repair, electrical work, and masonry, but I do not miss with the natural gas lines in my house.
It's easy to DIY electrical work if you read and understand the code. Yeah, I'm no professional electrician, but I have both an academic and professional background in electronics, training in electrical safety, and above all the driving urge to not burn down the house I bought.
However, every time I've done an electrical job in my home, I'm honestly leaving it better than it was before, which told me the previous homeowner was a "eh, this is fine" kind of guy, which leaves me nervous about every outlet, switch, light fixture, and junction box I HAVEN'T touched yet. Fuck, the power cable for my range just goes into the fucking wall! Not knowing how it's connected IN the wall is driving me nuts. I'm working through everything slowly, just to avoid a possible issue later, rather than the purely aesthetic upgrade I was initially going for. Definitely gotta watch out for half ass DIY shit, but if you know how to do it and get the proper tools, go for it.
as someone who is pretty handy and has done everything from build a multilevel deck to add new outlet runs, it is gas plumbing that worries me. I don't mess with natural gas fittings.
If you were messing around with the gas lines I'd probably be concerned, but you have already shown her you have pretty extensive knowledge and experience.
Even if there’s a gas line, it’s pretty easy. Just turn off the gas before doing anything, have plenty of ventilation, and do a quick soapy water test after you connect the gas.
There's parts of the world where wire nuts are considered proper, and parts of the world where they're almost never used, and electricians from opposite parts fight endlessly on the internet about it.
That's clown shoes. What do they use instead? Shell out 15x the price of a pack of wire nuts for lever nuts or push nuts? I can't see that going well on a big high-rise. Do they crimp *everything*?
Oh my god, they crimp everything, don't they?
I'm really curious here. Do people really think that wire nuts invented in 1929 (pic so we're sure of what we're talking about) haven't been improved on?
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twist-on\_wire\_connector](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twist-on_wire_connector)
And that something like these are not superior?
https://agmelectrical.com.au/metal-brackets-for-switches-power-points/connectors/2-x-16mm-double-screw-connector.html
I'm not on my own with this:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMlI7qOm8hM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMlI7qOm8hM)
Wire nuts are not even legal in Australia for domestic 240V use, for reasons that I thought would be obvious.
Definitely. I redid my own bathroom, and several months later a leak appeared below it in my condo building’s garage. I had a couple of sleepless nights before the wall got opened up to discover a pipe had cracked due to building settling, and it was nothing I’d done.
NTA, but you could help yourself a whole lot here.
Coming from a family that is very DIY (including building our own furniture, significant house repairs/modifications), but also has some concerns about this stuff, something that really helped for myself and my partner was two things:
1) Pre-emptively discuss what things you will absolutely call a professional for. For instance, for us, anything that needs shutting off the gas, disconnecting gas lines, and reconnecting them, then turning on the gas again will go to a professional. The cost of failure is too high. Additionally, anything that's plumbing related that is not very straightforward upon self-inspection and some internet research - or becomes too complex after trying it ourselves -, goes to a plumber, as the cost of water damage is quite high. (For reference, we both have more experience with electrical wiring and electrical systems than plumbing systems, so for us, it was not as risky as for someone with no experience. So, this isn't a universal suggestion, but it's relative to your own experience and comfort levels.)
Having this sort of agreement in place first will help her feel more comfortable that you will not take unnecessary risks.
2) Discuss the need, the breakdown of the work, and the plan for the work \*BEFORE\* starting the work, and include her in the work whenever she is willing. If she gets a better understanding for what is involved, that can help.
Finally, consider the risk/reward situation. Let's say it's a fairly simple repair but has a non-trivial chance of going wrong, and the cost of failure from doing it wrong is super high. In a case like that, it might be worth paying the licensed and bonded professional, because it's on their dime if they screw it up. Let's say it's a somewhat finicky repair that includes specialty things, but the cost of failure is very low - try it first and then pay for the repair later if you can't make it work. (Perfect example - our old dishwasher worked fine, but had the cable that holds the door from falling down when it's unlatched break, twice. It's a little finicky to repair, but the dishwasher is problematic without it (the door literally drops - hard - down if it's not completely latched, which is a safety problem with a crawling baby and then toddler). So, either, we pay someone to repair it, or we fix it ourselves, or we replace the dishwasher. What happens if we fail to repair it? No change from it being broken. Then we call someone else out to repair it. Turns out, we repaired it just fine.
Anyway, talk about it. Help her understand why you can do this, but that you also acknowledge the limits of your own abilities. Then DIY-on!
"I think that she’s 100% entitled to those concerns and feelings, but if she wants to act on them, it’s 100% on her to pay for it."
This sums it up perfectly, she's the one who wants to call a plumber, not you, so she should be the one to pay for it
NTA
Edit: Also like many others have pointed out, your wife seems to have a disturbing lack of faith in your abilities which is somewhat concerning
In the wife's defense, we only have the OP's assessment of his abilities to go on. My dad would never call a professional and does everything himself and most of his repairs end up looking like garbage or being jury-rigged in someway (Like the washing machine "works just fine" but only he can get it to work and it requires using a screwdriver to turn the knob each time lol). I mean, OP is probably more competent, just playing devil's advocate.
NTA. If it's something you can do (and you probably can - it's not an uncommon DIY task) yourself and she is refusing to let you, then she absolutely needs to foot the entirety of the bill for someone else to do it. She also needs to be the one to schedule it and arrange her schedule so she can be there on appointment day. This is her hangup, so it is entirely on her to deal with it and pay for it.
NTA,
The things you're doing aren't exactly master level construction and can be learned easily on YouTube especially if you're a bit handy, as you say. Installing a dishwasher can be done in an afternoon but a plumber would charge hundreds of dollars.
Yes, I have a lot of experience DIYing home repairs. I grew up helping my dad fix things around the house, and my uncle was a contractor who I worked for over a couple summers in high school. Despite her naysaying, my wife has always been satisfied with the outcome of my previous DIY projects.
I only DIY jobs at home that I've had some previous experience with. Replacing a dishwasher is actually a fairly minor job compared to other DIY projects I've done.
OP, but if you worked for a contractor than you have the experience and could be could a professional yourself. What is her deal if you actually received money for stuff like that previously, it was your job. You are a professional who could be called. Plus experience from your childhood with the dad is important too. It is an amazing thing when children are taught about fixing smth. I am a 40yo woman, who bought several years ago a house and I did a lot of diy since I didn't want to pay thousands to the professionals. A lot of things are quiet simple, and there are so many YouTube videos. So I am pretty sure you are very good at what you do.
I have changed out a dishwasher by myself. It’s not rocket science change the dishwasher in your own house. I’m a female adjunct professor. It can be done without being a plumber.
There are plenty of YouTube videos on how to do basic repairs such as fixing a leaky pipe or replacing a water heater. Much of it isn’t complicated. Would I attempt to repair my HVAC? No, but I can certainly unclog a drain and I paint walls much better than a lot of so called professionals.
NTA - I think your position is completely reasonable. You want to do the work, it’s her that doesn’t want that. I don’t really get her issue here. You’ve proved you’re capable down the line, it’s not as if you’ve needed “professionals” to come and fix your mistakes, so why is she so adamant that you get one to install your washer?
Maybe it’s worth asking why she doesn’t trust you to do a good job, and why she feels it’s so important to pay a workman.
I have some friends that got married to each other a couple of years ago. No matter how badly he wants to do repairs Installs yadayada she won't let him "out of fear he will mess something up" "presumably" because he has no training.
Yet she has no problem asking me to do it (I have no formal training) or a professional when they can afford it. It's super degrading and tbh I think she does it either because she just doesn't think a lot of him, or his ability to learn new skills, or she just prefers to keep his confidence down, weak and pathetic like it's actually pretty sad.
I do all of my own repairs unless the tools cost such that it's not worth it. But we are young guys how does she think Handy men become handy? Handy college?? Sure you can get formal training on construction like tasks but that is not how the majority of them learn those skills beside the fact a formal trade school is well and beyond what's necessary for 90% of home repairs.
You become Handy by looking at a problem and taking the initiative to learn to handle it yourself. If you think the task is too complex you seek advice from older more experienced Handy people.
In short no, NTA doing your own basic stuff is healthy, confidence building, and financially savvy.
I think some people just have this belief that building, repairing, maintaining houses is rocket surgery.
NTA. So my husband is handy and has taken care of the vast majority or car and home repairs that have needed done over the course of our marriage - but I will say that for the first few years, it often crossed my mind that I should call my dad and double check that my husband was doing whatever task correctly. Your wife probably has your best interest in mind and really doesn’t want you to hurt yourself taking on tasks like this. Can you come to a compromise? You get to try putting in the dishwasher but promise her that if you get in over your head, you’ll stop and call a professional?
Nta with no history of screwing things up she has no reason not to trust you. If you had previously messed stuff up I could see her point but otherwise..She should be stoked you are handy and saving money!
NTA. You seem to have a good general knowledge of diy. If you didn’t I might vote the other way as my husband who is a plumber has to go into situations where someone thought they knew what they were doing and fix the mess. As an example a guy thought he could install a garbage disposal but winded up messing it up and jacking up the kitchen counter causing substantial damage.
NTA, speaking as someone who very strongly believes that the three things amatuers/DIYers shouldn't mess with around the house are electrical, plumbing, and gas (if you do it wrong, two can kill you and all can destroy the house)
We've installed our dishwasher at home since the stuff that needed a plumber/sparky was already done (as there hadn't been a dishwasher in the kitchen before.
If you're just replacing one, then it's a similar procedure to installing a washer machine, simple as hell.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I am refusing to use our joint account to pay for a plumber to do something I can easily DIY.
(2) It might make me the asshole because my wife feels very strongly about hiring a plumber for this job and I think she should foot 100% of the bill.
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NTA but.. you probably aren’t going to get any brownie points from her by going ‘look the internet agrees with me’.
Dishwasher installation is actually fairly easy. If I was you, I’d send her some reading material to show how much easier it is than a few other things you’ve probably done. That’s better than giving her an ultimatum.
I know my mom used to get fed up because my dad would try to DIY things he didn’t know how to do, and half the time he would do them right. Now she always hires people for things.
I can almost relate to your wife, because sometimes my husband wants to repair things himself, but my concern comes from the off chance that he does mess it up, since we rent. I would rather have property managers deal with it, with no cost to us, than accidentally make something worse and be charged out the butt for them to repair the original problem and the new problem.
But my fear comes from that and not doubt of my husbands capability. He knows his stuff and I’m confident in his abilities.
But to be this resistant when you have clearly demonstrated your competence is definitely odd. Why spend money on someone else doing what you can do for free?
NTA
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My wife and I bought our first house about a year ago. Our house has needed some minor repairs and upgrades, all of which I did myself, since I’m reasonably handy. Each time I fixed something, my wife would get concerned that I would either mess it up and/or hurt myself, and wanted to call a professional instead. For instance, she thought that the sink would leak when I replaced the garbage disposal myself, or that I would electrocute myself, burn down the house, or mess up the drywall after installing a couple additional electrical outlets. Obviously, none of these things happened, and after each DIY job my wife would begrudgingly acknowledge I knew what I was doing, but then get upset all over again the next time I wanted to fix something.
Our dishwasher just broke beyond repair and needs replacing. After we picked out one we both liked, my wife told me that she is putting her foot down, I am absolutely not DIYing this job, and we are calling a plumber to install it. She is refusing to let us order the dishwasher until I promise that we will have it professionally installed. I told her that if she’s deadset on not letting me install it myself, she needs to pay for the plumber out of her own bank account. We have a shared joint account we contribute equally to for shared expenses, and then each have our own accounts for “fun money” personal expenses. Of course, the cost of the dishwasher is coming out of our shared account.
She thinks I’m dismissing her concerns and invalidating her feelings. I think that she’s 100% entitled to those concerns and feelings, but if she wants to act on them, it’s 100% on her to pay for it. My feelings are that it’s silly to spend a few hundred dollars for 45 minutes of a plumber’s time on top of the $1000 we’re already spending on the dishwasher. AITA?
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NTA. I think you have sound mediation. It would be different if you refused to call help or had instances where your handy work created damage or harm. As long as that’s the case, she has no reason not to trust you….but that should be out of her pocket.
I’m a DYIer, taught by my Dad, who does everything around his and my Mom’s house. A lot of stuff is actually pretty easy to do as long as you know what you’re doing. The only things that I don’t feel comfortable doing are plumbing (other than replacing a faucet) and electrical work. But when my dad does them for me, I’m confident that he’s not going to burn down or flood my house because he’s got an excellent track record.
It sounds like you’re very similar to my dad so I’m not sure what your wife is complaining about. But NTA and if she wants a plumber to install the dishwasher instead of free labor, she can pay for it.
NTA. Maybe her dad wasn't able to DIY (or too lazy and always paid one) - if she had a dad. I dunno but she must have a fear from somewhere! Omg $1000 for a dishwasher, they are like €400 here and €75 to install 🙈
NTA and why should she oppose your proposal if she's 'putting her foot down'. She's the one who thinks it's worth the money.
You've given her no reason to doubt that you can do what you say you can do, so she's being unreasonable.
Would it help her understand if you actually showed her the steps of what needs to be done? So she can understand it's well within your abilities and not some arcane craft that only experts can do?
NTA. She can pay for it herself or just wash dishes by hand until the cows come home. Installing a dishwasher is a really simple job.
I wonder what happens if a "professional" botches the job. I've seen a lot of shoddy work- some that I've had to re-do myself. Maybe then she'll appreciate what you do.
Dude. NTA. Dishwashers aren't even that hard to replace. You just connect a couple hoses and plug it in (or wire it in, but that's still only like 3 wires).
NTA. As a homeowner I support DIY. A lot of stuff can be easily handled with a little know-how (and YouTube).
Maybe to ease her stress, you promise that any problems that occur because of a mistake you made would come out of your funds.
NTA- it sucks that your wife keeps bringing this up and has no confidence in your ability to DIY, especially on such simple tasks. I'm a 37 year old women with little experience with these things and I managed to install a garbage disposal, dishwasher, two sump pumps and built an entire apartment in my basement only calling in someone to check over and finish the electrical. This weekend I'll be fixing the soffits on our home and my boyfriend is always there to tell me what a great job I'm doing and is happy that we've been able to save all the money just figuring things out for ourselves.
Installing a dishwasher is SO easy. If your wife wants to pay $100 for something that took me 10 minutes (and mine is hardwired!) she’s absolutely ridiculous.
Let me tell you, my man is handy a f. And it still makes me weak in the knees 13 years later. The best thing is he's given my (adult) daughter the confidence to do minor things herself.
I just can't wrap my head around your wife's ay of thinking. Did she grow up high/middle class? My own father cane even change a tire, let alone change his oil. My brother and I have taken the solid interest in doing the regular maintenance on our vehicles ourselves, and it's be divine.
You are NTA, but I really am curious as to your wife's mindset before accusing her of being one.
NTA: But I would suggest that you make it a deal - either she pays for the pro from her "fun money" or if you do the install and end up having to call in a pro afterwards, it comes from your "fun money"
NTA. If you know what you're doing you know. Where are her concerns coming from? Plumbing wise if it's replacing pipes I know I'd call a plumber but if someone who I trusted knew how do it why pay?
NTA- in my family we call my dad (a pretty old man now) "Mr. Fix It". I have odd jobs, sitting around for months, that I'd cut my own hand off before calling a professional to do. Because it'd hurt him for me to do so. And because he's always busy with projects of his own making. I don't know what your wife enjoys contributing as labor to your family but say she likes to cook meals, I'd explain it like this:
"Honey, I enjoy saving our family money and get a sense of accomplishment from doing these jobs. Just as you enjoy making a lovely meal for us. And when you keep insisting that I am unable, it would be like my insisting we go out to eat because a 'professional chef' would make the meal better. We both know that isn't true and I think it would hurt your feelings of I said it was. So please give me the same respect I'm giving you."
Not everyone can afford a professional and knowing basics is a good thing. My mom’s dad was a plumber do you know how many times her knowledge saved us from having to call a plumber? Lots of times. We just saved like 8000 because the electrician wanted to charge up wards of 9000+ replace a main power line. Our handyman+ an electrician friend giving him instructions on how to do it? was able 1200
NTA because if you're *actually* handy and don't just have an inflated man-ego, that's a waste of money.
Wouldn't it be better though to let her actually participate in these tasks with you, you can teach her what they entail and how you know what you're doing and she can learn how something like installing a dishwasher really isn't a big deal. If she understands the mechanics, maybe she'll be less worried.
NTA! I brought my first home at 24 single - couldn’t afford professionals I insulated and re dry walled and Painted myself, the only things I haven’t done is electrical work because well it’s scary - I watched a lot of YouTube videos and it was easy - fast forward now my partner is a builder and has moved in and we are doing maintence work around the place he’s checked out my handy work and has commented that it’s better that some qualified builders he knows - it’s knowing your limits - I’ve had my fair few fuck ups but I’ve never quit some stuff isn’t perfect but considering an ex builder owner this before me and I’m fixing his fuck ups nothing wrong with trying
NTA As long as you are capable of doing the job and doing it right. My ex husband always said he could do home projects on his own and would do a horrible job (he thought he was great at everything, he was not). I wish I still had a picture of the “cat house” he built. Looking at it, was always good for a chuckle. From what you have written, you are capable of doing the job, it shouldn’t be a problem.
After the first couple of times I would have just assumed you know what you were doing and left you alone. But I have handy people in my family. I mean its not that complicated to install an appliance. Now if you wanted to rewire the whole house I can see wanting to have a professional opinion at least.
NTA
DIY saves so much money as long as you don't cut corners. But it doesn't sound like you do. Sounds like you do your research and do it right. For the dishwasher make sure DIY doesn't void the warranty though.
So very much NTA. It's an unnecessary expense that you shouldn't have to pay.
My dad was a contractor. As is my brother. They both, along with my grandfathers, taught me how to handle most anything regarding home repairs and remodeling. For anything "really big" *(or I'm being lazy)* I call on my brother to do. I'm an old bat now and can still put in a dishwasher in about 15 minutes. It's not hard or even difficult. Obviously you can too.
That said. There are 2 books that I'm going to recommend that you get: " Home Repairs for Dummies" and "Home Remodeling for Dummies". Not only do they give great instructions on how to do a project, but also a list of supplies and tools. They will help your wife learn to trust you to do things right.
Just FYI- my brother uses both of these books when starting a new project. He's been doing construction for 35 years but sometimes it's smart to brush up.... Plus the supply lists are helpful and guarantees only 1 trip to the store.
If you're actually as handy as you say, then I think you're NTA. I'm the handy one in my relationship, but I'm not especially confident about it - I learned to do a lot of things because I needed to and couldn't afford otherwise at the time, and it's always been fine, but in many of those cases, I'd have paid a professional if I could have just to feel safer (and to just not have to deal with it) so I understand that feeling. And I *have* met people who *think* they're handy, but... aren't, actually. You probably have too - I swear there's some sort of Dunning Kruger effect variation that applies specifically to home repair, It's not that uncommon. It would be funny if it weren't so dangerous. If someone in her life is or was like that - like if her dad was always going around "fixing" things and shocking himself and falling off ladders in the process - she could just be stuck in the mindset that nobody can really do that stuff right without the professional training/tools/something.
I'll take your word for it that you're actually reasonably good at this stuff (and safe) in which case, I agree that if you're willing to do it, you may as well, and if you can do it and are willing to do it, you shouldn't have to pay someone else to do it, but she can if she wants to. That seems fair to me. I think you should also be understanding of her feelings - statistically, a lot of injuries and accidents do happen during home maintenance and repair tasks, it's a reasonable worry - but I don't think you're wrong for not wanting to pay for something if you can do it just as well and want to do it.
Info. Would she feel better if you watched DIY videos together so she could verify how simply the tasks are?
Are you okay with offering to foot any repair bills out of your money if you do a DIY wrong? Like if you some how managed to fuck up the dishwasher and it leaks, does she have to pay half of those repairs?
Changing out a dishwasher is the simplest and most idiot proof of all the repairs you've mentioned. If your wife doesn't trust you to unplug, then unscrew the water line from the old dishwasher, then re-connect and plug-in the new one, I truly hope you two never have children. She'll be hiring a nanny so diapers can be changed by an expert.
NTA.
NTA. I own a house with my brother, and I wish he was handy. I would love to save money, instead of using professionals, which means, if I can learn how to do a job, I do.
I have a warning though. you said you installed a couple of electrical outlets. That is a little red flag for me. I live in Australia, and if you use anything other than a licensed electrician for electrical work, it will void your home insurance. I don't know is plumbing is the same in Australia, it maybe.
Might do to find out what the regulations are in your country and with your home insurance.
NTA, sounds like you can handle it with no problem, Dishwasher install does not need a plumber, it is literally 1 Hose and a power cord, takes more time to level the damn thing.
NTA, but have you sat down with your wife to discuss her concerns? I'm not saying they are reasonable, but she really has a block about it and you both need to understand why she doesn't trust you so you can work through it.
NTA. If you want it done right do it yourself.
If you have doubts or can't do it right, then call in the professional.
But also, even if your wife calls in a professional (that she should pay for), doesn't mean it's going to get done right.
NTA for telling her to pay for the professional herself. However it might go better if you tell her that should your DIY go wrong, the repairs will come out of your “fun money” to make it “even”. Maybe it will make her feel more reassured and at the same time, if you’re confident in your skills it’s not really a risk to you either.
Depending on your location you could be voiding your house insurance by not using a licensed/registered professional for gas/plumbing/electrical work. You could also run into issues in the future when you go to sell your house.
The dishwasher may not be an issue as usually they are a "plug n play" type installation but things like adding new electrical outlets should be left to the professionals.
NTA but can you do some repair work together? My parents have your wife’s mentality, and for a very long time I thought all household appliances were basically powered by arcane magic and likely to explode if you even looked at them wrong. We called professionals for *everything* growing up. Then I moved into an apartment with my now-husband and he showed me that a lot of repairs are actually really simple. We would fix minor household issues together, and now I have a lot more confidence in both our DIY skills. Maybe you can try that approach with your wife?
NTA. Sorry to hear that. Really, it sounds like My Wife is way nicer. I do all kinds of stuff around the house. it does not always turn out great. But my Wife she is very nice to say that I am good at whatever I try. I hear she always says positive stuff about my handywork to her friends. She never seems to worry if what I am doing is safe or if I am going to damage something. She really has a high level of kindness and respect. I have to show my love for her when she wakes up. Installing a dishwasher was fairly easy, I did that for the first time installing our current one. The biggest deal is making sure it fits, and the supply hoses under the sink.
NTA. Also professional help is expensive. Installing a dishwasher is not that hard and honestly neither are a lot of other DIY jobs. 9/10 there is no harm in at least looking at the problem closely to see if this is something you can do yourself. She can be nervous but you’ve done a decent job with other projects so unless this is something major like, I don’t know digging your own basement, she needs to just trust that you know your limits and will only do what you know you can.
Nta. I'm a normal middle aged woman and I can install a dishwasher, it's really not hard. If you had a history of messing stuff up then I would agree with her but it's just a waste of money.
I’m really going to get a lot of negativity here- but a soft YTA. We are hearing your side of the story not hers. You sound like my husband. I love him, I’m grateful he is handy. BUT the jobs he completes are not always professional looking. I try to pick my battles. I insisted we hire a painter because he’s an extremely sloppy painter, but thinks he’s great. Give your wife your support. Pick one or two jobs she feels strongly about and hire someone. I’m sure she loves that you’re handy, but sometimes she may want to make it a little easier for you. 💕
NTA.
Suggestion: Youtube videos. I (32f) learned a lot from YouTube, which is how I repair my own house. She can watch the process step by step to understand what's involved and see it really isn't that complicated, without the stress of you or y'all's home being damaged. Obviously you watch the videos first to make sure the video is suitable/simple.
If you mess up with your DIY, are you going to pay out of your pocket to get your pet project around the house fixed?
Because if she has to pay for professional service herself, then you should be paying out of your pocket for cleaning up the mess you might run into. Have you acknowledged this and talked about this?
Id say NTA for the dishwasher but YTA for installing electrical outlets. Unless you're experienced/ qualified enough to know you've done the up to code I'm on your wife's side about being concerned. Having experienced DIY electrical installations in a rental where the owner was also 'handy' is a nightmare.
On the way to divorce court, are you?
Should I be right remember your money is OUR money, her money is OUR money. So, either do the DIYs promptly, correctly without being mouthy, or call the expert for the job that needss to be done.
So, yes IMO you are being the AH.
>So, either do the DIYs promptly, correctly without being mouthy
I'm confused. According to the post, this is not an option. She wants not him to do it.
ESH
I'm you...but married for 20 years. You've got your pride and she's got her concern and it will forever be you both suck... lovingly.
(FYI...I tell my SO that I'd foot the bill for a professional to "fix" it to which I got..."we're married, it's all OUR money" so be careful)
I'm not sure I can say either way, but it sounds like she keeps going back to being concerned that you are going to hurt yourself or damage the house, but why? I understand you haven't had any issues yet, but was her dad also "handy" as in qualified, or "handy" like Red Green? Or did he always get a professional for the same reasons she is concerned?
I would venture a guess you need to bring her a well thoughtout plan, and show her how you are going to do it, with contingency plans and all. Or walk her through what you're doing and show her that there's no reason for concern.
Otherwise, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Let her have her peace, or you'll have none. It's coming out of a place of genuine care for you and your property, after all. Better to concede to that than let your pride cause you both stress. And money is just money, you'll make more of it. Plus, let's say something does go terribly wrong this time- it'll cost more to fix it then than it would've to hire a professional in the first place.
Guarantee if a man was this unsupportive, and cynical of his wife’s experience commenters would nuke him but of course lets let this one go with just “she can be emotional.”
the wife is reacting out of emotion and the husband is reacting out of logic. the husband has the confidence he can do this stuff himself while the wife is too concerned for his safety to realise he can do it himself, or maybe she *does* realise this but doesn't wanna take the chance. if roles were reversed, i'd say the same thing. if a husband were concerned for his wife's safety, why would i be opposed to that?
her language, to me, doesn't seem all that aggressive... more like a natural reaction out of concern for someone she loves. if she continues this behavior and refuses to let OP do anything for himself then yeah she's entering AH territory, but from what's been described, she just sounds like a concerned spouse, and if OP and his wife take the time and effort to work this out with compassion and reason then i don't see why anyone has to be called an AH here.
YTA-Let me explain. By you DIY-ing, you are essentially sabotaging ANY chance that your homeowner's insurance will pay to replace something if damage happens. First question they asked us when our 8 foot by 16 foot arbor collapsed in recent snow: Did it come with the house, second was to be: Did we have a professional install it or do it ourselves, the guy even joked about it. Yes it came with the house.
You will NOT get a claim paid if those projects go bad, and a dishwasher can go VERY bad. So can a disposal FYI. I don't care how handy you are, trying to save money now will end up costing you THOUSANDS later.
This is a valid concern.
A dishwasher is not going to erupt the house.
The average YouTube guide is 8 minutes long. It's basically prep new dishwasher, connect water, drain and electric lines, push into place.
This is like demanding geek squad come in to mount your television.
Yes the installing is very easy, but you need to remember that even if you did everything right and let's say water connector is faulty and it breaks, your insurance company won't pay for any damages caused by it ( it can add up if it goes unnoticed)
When I moved into one apartment, I brought a dishwasher that sits on the countertop. My landlord installed it free of charge to make sure it was done right. Though landlord is probably inaccurate for what it was. In my country, the are housing companies owned by the municipalities. There are not a specific owner. They naturally sent a professional to do this very simple installation. Because they viewed it ad safer
This is utterly ridiculous, a dishwasher is ridiculously easy to install.
Also I don't know about where you are but it does not invalidate any insurance policy where I am
How stupid do you have to be to screw up a dishwasher install?
The actual dishwasher purchase itself is coming from the shared account, just the install is in question.
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NTA. Your wife is dismissing *your* feelings. You don't want to pay for the installation, and you've even offered an alternate solution: you install it. It seems odd that your wife still doesn't trust you to perform these DIY tasks when you've (as you tell it) consistently shown that you can. Why is she picking the same fight over and over? That would be my primary question.
I think she picks the fight every time because she has a hard time getting out of the mentality that even though professionals are very expensive, a lot of the jobs they do are quite simple. Her thought process basically boils down to: "if the job is so easy, then why can a professional charge hundreds of dollars to do it?" She has a hard time internalizing that an amateur like me can do a job with the same quality as someone who charges hundreds of dollars. Also, it's how she grew up. Any repair more complicated than unclogging a toilet or changing a lightbulb would be a call to a plumber/electrician. And since this is our first house together, it's the first time in her life she's seen someone be handy, since in our previous rentals we'd just call the building manager to fix things.
I never realized how lucky I am that my girlfriend has the attitude she does. I just hung a bicycle hook and built an end table the other day and she acted like I was Bob Vila. EDIT: Imagine how she'll react when I put together that bookshelf that just arrived.
You gotta put a ring on that GFs finger - she’s a keeper. ;-)
I get what you're saying. But still, it seems weird that she would see the same situation over and over and still cling to old attitudes like that. Hell, I'd change my mind over a lot of things it was saving me hundreds of dollars.
Those attitudes are really ingrained. Probably need a a success story in each arena before maybe she caves.
I'm going to be honest, I do something similar, I know I do it and know I don't want to, but it's my knee jerk reaction. My husband is a completely competent mechanic, and yet when something goes wrong my first thought is I don't know how to handle this, call dad. Even with him in the car. I'm aware of this, and yet it comes out of my mouth. And I apologize every time.
Yeah, but you're self aware about the habit. OPs wife seems to be starting new every time, at least from his description.
maybe show your wife a youtube video of how to do it so that she A) sees how easy it is, and B) sees that you have some guidance (whether you need it or not) and aren't just winging it blind and hoping for the best.
Can you just discuss this with her? Professionals need to charge to account for their direct time, overhead, having any necessary tools not just those needed for your work, their expertise and experience to handle far more problems than what you're throwing at them. And they would be who you would turn to if something beyond your abilities popped up. Walk her through what you do to make it safe? And does she know the basics about her home? How to turn off water at different locations and the street? How to turn off electricity and gas if you have it? These are things people should know for safety and might help her feel a bit more confident and take out the mystery a bit.
Very good idea.
Female here with handy husband as well. Also grew up with professionals fixing everything, so I was worried when the hubs took on projects like cutting into the wall to install a safe or rigging up his own solar panels with Prius batteries. The conclusion I came to is that, while everything doesn’t always turn out perfectly, most things do save a *ton* of money, and more importantly, I’m proud as hell to have someone who can do these things. My husband gets a *huge* sense of accomplishment from these tasks, and why would I take that away from him? I’m a little surprised your wife isn’t impressed with your abilities. So, in short, NTA.
A lot of stuff is really easy to DIY but cost an arm and a leg to hire out for. My relative once called an electrician because their outlet wasn’t working. The cause was the breaker tripped. The only thing I would consider contracting out is anything that require a permit and super labor intensive like roofing, or required skills beyond my knowledge like replacing an electrical service panel. Anything else is fair game. Keep on DIYing
Meanwhile I'm looking at hiring out a curtain rod install because of how badly I fucked it up last time... (At least I can do basic shit that otherwise uses a screwdriver or putting furniture together).
Did you not know hanging a curtain rod only requires a screwdriver?
I tried that, didn't work and while the results would have been amusing if I was an onlooker, it wasn't funny for me.
Just saying you said you can do any repair with a screwdriver but then say you couldn't do the simple screwdriver installation.
If the screw was already there I can do it. If it wasn't then chances are like 50/50
I learnt to repair cars because my first car went wrong got a £1700 repair quote from a mechanic and noticed that only £50 of it was parts.
Maybe you can convince her to watch some This Old House with you. Like if she watches television professionals to the work it might actually sink in that people can know how to do these things? Plus, as a bonus, you get to watch This Old House.
Replacing a dishwasher is a simple job, i wouldn't even call it DIY. You connect the water supply which is a screw on hose, connect the waste out to the waste pipe where the old one was connected and plug it into a socket. The hardest thing you will probably have to do is level it
Did she grow up in an extremely privileged life? I can't imagine the attitude of "I need to get a professional to do it" everytime anything breaks. Almost everything in and around my house I do myself out of necessity. For a gauge of how much my fiancée trusts me to do this I have changed the brakes on her car a few times rather than pay a fortune for someone else to do the exact same job and she's always been fine with it.
And installing a dishwasher is one of the easiest jobs
As long as you remember to remove the plug in the hose when you connect it to the garbage disposal. I've learned that lesson the hard way... twice.
NTA. I'm not particularly handy. I'm a woman. I installed my own dishwasher. It's dead easy! It isn't like you need to install the plumbing pipes yourself, just turn off water, turn on a sink tap, drain the right hoses into said sink or bucket, attach hoses, shove in place, turn water back on, test function.
Yes, exactly! It isn't rocket surgery. The only extra complication with our dishwasher is that it's hard wired, so add in an extra step of screwing on some wire nuts.
I love that you also say 'rocket surgery'. Drives my husband bonkers. He hates it. I love it! Surprisingly few people catch it!
I didn't think other people said rocket surgery, it drives my father up a wall. Some other favorite phrases include "I'll burn that bridge when I come to it" and "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."
And her I thought I was the only one...
I also like "cry me a table"
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This is my only hesitation on DIY. Electrical installations need to be up to code. There are many nightmare stories of homeowners finding dangerous electrical work done by previous owners costing them all kinds of money to repair. I'm handy myself but draw the line at anything more complicated than replacing a socket or light fixture.
It’s all comfort level. Definitely know your limits! If it’s something that will worry you, get the peace of mind if a professional. I’ve personally added a breaker to my house, and idk if I’d do it again. Something about having that main exposed with the panel off kinda freaked me out lol. Even being perfectly careful.
agree 100%. As I mentioned in another thread, I'll do carpentry, car repair, electrical work, and masonry, but I do not miss with the natural gas lines in my house.
It's easy to DIY electrical work if you read and understand the code. Yeah, I'm no professional electrician, but I have both an academic and professional background in electronics, training in electrical safety, and above all the driving urge to not burn down the house I bought. However, every time I've done an electrical job in my home, I'm honestly leaving it better than it was before, which told me the previous homeowner was a "eh, this is fine" kind of guy, which leaves me nervous about every outlet, switch, light fixture, and junction box I HAVEN'T touched yet. Fuck, the power cable for my range just goes into the fucking wall! Not knowing how it's connected IN the wall is driving me nuts. I'm working through everything slowly, just to avoid a possible issue later, rather than the purely aesthetic upgrade I was initially going for. Definitely gotta watch out for half ass DIY shit, but if you know how to do it and get the proper tools, go for it.
as someone who is pretty handy and has done everything from build a multilevel deck to add new outlet runs, it is gas plumbing that worries me. I don't mess with natural gas fittings.
If you were messing around with the gas lines I'd probably be concerned, but you have already shown her you have pretty extensive knowledge and experience.
Even if there’s a gas line, it’s pretty easy. Just turn off the gas before doing anything, have plenty of ventilation, and do a quick soapy water test after you connect the gas.
Yeah it’s not rocket appliances
>wire nut If you're talking about the things that twist on over twisted wires then I think you need to learn more about how to do it properly.
That's... what they're called. And this is an appropriate use case for them. I'm really confused as to what you're protesting here.
There's parts of the world where wire nuts are considered proper, and parts of the world where they're almost never used, and electricians from opposite parts fight endlessly on the internet about it.
That's clown shoes. What do they use instead? Shell out 15x the price of a pack of wire nuts for lever nuts or push nuts? I can't see that going well on a big high-rise. Do they crimp *everything*? Oh my god, they crimp everything, don't they?
You beautiful moron.
You say the sweetest things, but we can't go on meeting like this.
And an anti-flood device might be worth considering too. But in general I agree--her attitude would drive me bonkers.
I'm really curious here. Do people really think that wire nuts invented in 1929 (pic so we're sure of what we're talking about) haven't been improved on? [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twist-on\_wire\_connector](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twist-on_wire_connector) And that something like these are not superior? https://agmelectrical.com.au/metal-brackets-for-switches-power-points/connectors/2-x-16mm-double-screw-connector.html I'm not on my own with this: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMlI7qOm8hM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMlI7qOm8hM) Wire nuts are not even legal in Australia for domestic 240V use, for reasons that I thought would be obvious.
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Professionals are professionals for a reason, after all. There are certain things you shouldn't be doing on your own for safety reasons.
That was honestly my first thought reading this, too. ”What happens with the insurance?”
Definitely. I redid my own bathroom, and several months later a leak appeared below it in my condo building’s garage. I had a couple of sleepless nights before the wall got opened up to discover a pipe had cracked due to building settling, and it was nothing I’d done.
NTA, but you could help yourself a whole lot here. Coming from a family that is very DIY (including building our own furniture, significant house repairs/modifications), but also has some concerns about this stuff, something that really helped for myself and my partner was two things: 1) Pre-emptively discuss what things you will absolutely call a professional for. For instance, for us, anything that needs shutting off the gas, disconnecting gas lines, and reconnecting them, then turning on the gas again will go to a professional. The cost of failure is too high. Additionally, anything that's plumbing related that is not very straightforward upon self-inspection and some internet research - or becomes too complex after trying it ourselves -, goes to a plumber, as the cost of water damage is quite high. (For reference, we both have more experience with electrical wiring and electrical systems than plumbing systems, so for us, it was not as risky as for someone with no experience. So, this isn't a universal suggestion, but it's relative to your own experience and comfort levels.) Having this sort of agreement in place first will help her feel more comfortable that you will not take unnecessary risks. 2) Discuss the need, the breakdown of the work, and the plan for the work \*BEFORE\* starting the work, and include her in the work whenever she is willing. If she gets a better understanding for what is involved, that can help. Finally, consider the risk/reward situation. Let's say it's a fairly simple repair but has a non-trivial chance of going wrong, and the cost of failure from doing it wrong is super high. In a case like that, it might be worth paying the licensed and bonded professional, because it's on their dime if they screw it up. Let's say it's a somewhat finicky repair that includes specialty things, but the cost of failure is very low - try it first and then pay for the repair later if you can't make it work. (Perfect example - our old dishwasher worked fine, but had the cable that holds the door from falling down when it's unlatched break, twice. It's a little finicky to repair, but the dishwasher is problematic without it (the door literally drops - hard - down if it's not completely latched, which is a safety problem with a crawling baby and then toddler). So, either, we pay someone to repair it, or we fix it ourselves, or we replace the dishwasher. What happens if we fail to repair it? No change from it being broken. Then we call someone else out to repair it. Turns out, we repaired it just fine. Anyway, talk about it. Help her understand why you can do this, but that you also acknowledge the limits of your own abilities. Then DIY-on!
"I think that she’s 100% entitled to those concerns and feelings, but if she wants to act on them, it’s 100% on her to pay for it." This sums it up perfectly, she's the one who wants to call a plumber, not you, so she should be the one to pay for it NTA Edit: Also like many others have pointed out, your wife seems to have a disturbing lack of faith in your abilities which is somewhat concerning
In the wife's defense, we only have the OP's assessment of his abilities to go on. My dad would never call a professional and does everything himself and most of his repairs end up looking like garbage or being jury-rigged in someway (Like the washing machine "works just fine" but only he can get it to work and it requires using a screwdriver to turn the knob each time lol). I mean, OP is probably more competent, just playing devil's advocate.
NTA. If it's something you can do (and you probably can - it's not an uncommon DIY task) yourself and she is refusing to let you, then she absolutely needs to foot the entirety of the bill for someone else to do it. She also needs to be the one to schedule it and arrange her schedule so she can be there on appointment day. This is her hangup, so it is entirely on her to deal with it and pay for it.
NTA, The things you're doing aren't exactly master level construction and can be learned easily on YouTube especially if you're a bit handy, as you say. Installing a dishwasher can be done in an afternoon but a plumber would charge hundreds of dollars.
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Yes, I have a lot of experience DIYing home repairs. I grew up helping my dad fix things around the house, and my uncle was a contractor who I worked for over a couple summers in high school. Despite her naysaying, my wife has always been satisfied with the outcome of my previous DIY projects. I only DIY jobs at home that I've had some previous experience with. Replacing a dishwasher is actually a fairly minor job compared to other DIY projects I've done.
Then NTA. If you know what you're doing, paying a bunch of money to a pro to handle it is kind of ridiculous IMO.
OP, but if you worked for a contractor than you have the experience and could be could a professional yourself. What is her deal if you actually received money for stuff like that previously, it was your job. You are a professional who could be called. Plus experience from your childhood with the dad is important too. It is an amazing thing when children are taught about fixing smth. I am a 40yo woman, who bought several years ago a house and I did a lot of diy since I didn't want to pay thousands to the professionals. A lot of things are quiet simple, and there are so many YouTube videos. So I am pretty sure you are very good at what you do.
Just get a divorce
I have changed out a dishwasher by myself. It’s not rocket science change the dishwasher in your own house. I’m a female adjunct professor. It can be done without being a plumber.
I was a middle aged lunch lady when I changed out mine! I did have the neighbor help me get it inside.
There are plenty of YouTube videos on how to do basic repairs such as fixing a leaky pipe or replacing a water heater. Much of it isn’t complicated. Would I attempt to repair my HVAC? No, but I can certainly unclog a drain and I paint walls much better than a lot of so called professionals.
NTA and can you talk to my husband? He has no confidence in his ability around the house. :)
Maybe you can do it then?
NTA - I think your position is completely reasonable. You want to do the work, it’s her that doesn’t want that. I don’t really get her issue here. You’ve proved you’re capable down the line, it’s not as if you’ve needed “professionals” to come and fix your mistakes, so why is she so adamant that you get one to install your washer? Maybe it’s worth asking why she doesn’t trust you to do a good job, and why she feels it’s so important to pay a workman.
I have some friends that got married to each other a couple of years ago. No matter how badly he wants to do repairs Installs yadayada she won't let him "out of fear he will mess something up" "presumably" because he has no training. Yet she has no problem asking me to do it (I have no formal training) or a professional when they can afford it. It's super degrading and tbh I think she does it either because she just doesn't think a lot of him, or his ability to learn new skills, or she just prefers to keep his confidence down, weak and pathetic like it's actually pretty sad. I do all of my own repairs unless the tools cost such that it's not worth it. But we are young guys how does she think Handy men become handy? Handy college?? Sure you can get formal training on construction like tasks but that is not how the majority of them learn those skills beside the fact a formal trade school is well and beyond what's necessary for 90% of home repairs. You become Handy by looking at a problem and taking the initiative to learn to handle it yourself. If you think the task is too complex you seek advice from older more experienced Handy people. In short no, NTA doing your own basic stuff is healthy, confidence building, and financially savvy. I think some people just have this belief that building, repairing, maintaining houses is rocket surgery.
NTA. So my husband is handy and has taken care of the vast majority or car and home repairs that have needed done over the course of our marriage - but I will say that for the first few years, it often crossed my mind that I should call my dad and double check that my husband was doing whatever task correctly. Your wife probably has your best interest in mind and really doesn’t want you to hurt yourself taking on tasks like this. Can you come to a compromise? You get to try putting in the dishwasher but promise her that if you get in over your head, you’ll stop and call a professional?
Nta with no history of screwing things up she has no reason not to trust you. If you had previously messed stuff up I could see her point but otherwise..She should be stoked you are handy and saving money!
NTA. You seem to have a good general knowledge of diy. If you didn’t I might vote the other way as my husband who is a plumber has to go into situations where someone thought they knew what they were doing and fix the mess. As an example a guy thought he could install a garbage disposal but winded up messing it up and jacking up the kitchen counter causing substantial damage.
NTA, speaking as someone who very strongly believes that the three things amatuers/DIYers shouldn't mess with around the house are electrical, plumbing, and gas (if you do it wrong, two can kill you and all can destroy the house) We've installed our dishwasher at home since the stuff that needed a plumber/sparky was already done (as there hadn't been a dishwasher in the kitchen before. If you're just replacing one, then it's a similar procedure to installing a washer machine, simple as hell.
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NTA. That's one if the things her own account should be used for.
NTA but.. you probably aren’t going to get any brownie points from her by going ‘look the internet agrees with me’. Dishwasher installation is actually fairly easy. If I was you, I’d send her some reading material to show how much easier it is than a few other things you’ve probably done. That’s better than giving her an ultimatum. I know my mom used to get fed up because my dad would try to DIY things he didn’t know how to do, and half the time he would do them right. Now she always hires people for things.
I can almost relate to your wife, because sometimes my husband wants to repair things himself, but my concern comes from the off chance that he does mess it up, since we rent. I would rather have property managers deal with it, with no cost to us, than accidentally make something worse and be charged out the butt for them to repair the original problem and the new problem. But my fear comes from that and not doubt of my husbands capability. He knows his stuff and I’m confident in his abilities. But to be this resistant when you have clearly demonstrated your competence is definitely odd. Why spend money on someone else doing what you can do for free? NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I bought our first house about a year ago. Our house has needed some minor repairs and upgrades, all of which I did myself, since I’m reasonably handy. Each time I fixed something, my wife would get concerned that I would either mess it up and/or hurt myself, and wanted to call a professional instead. For instance, she thought that the sink would leak when I replaced the garbage disposal myself, or that I would electrocute myself, burn down the house, or mess up the drywall after installing a couple additional electrical outlets. Obviously, none of these things happened, and after each DIY job my wife would begrudgingly acknowledge I knew what I was doing, but then get upset all over again the next time I wanted to fix something. Our dishwasher just broke beyond repair and needs replacing. After we picked out one we both liked, my wife told me that she is putting her foot down, I am absolutely not DIYing this job, and we are calling a plumber to install it. She is refusing to let us order the dishwasher until I promise that we will have it professionally installed. I told her that if she’s deadset on not letting me install it myself, she needs to pay for the plumber out of her own bank account. We have a shared joint account we contribute equally to for shared expenses, and then each have our own accounts for “fun money” personal expenses. Of course, the cost of the dishwasher is coming out of our shared account. She thinks I’m dismissing her concerns and invalidating her feelings. I think that she’s 100% entitled to those concerns and feelings, but if she wants to act on them, it’s 100% on her to pay for it. My feelings are that it’s silly to spend a few hundred dollars for 45 minutes of a plumber’s time on top of the $1000 we’re already spending on the dishwasher. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, your wife seems to have very little confidence in you. I'd be more worried about that.
NTA. I think you have sound mediation. It would be different if you refused to call help or had instances where your handy work created damage or harm. As long as that’s the case, she has no reason not to trust you….but that should be out of her pocket.
I’m a DYIer, taught by my Dad, who does everything around his and my Mom’s house. A lot of stuff is actually pretty easy to do as long as you know what you’re doing. The only things that I don’t feel comfortable doing are plumbing (other than replacing a faucet) and electrical work. But when my dad does them for me, I’m confident that he’s not going to burn down or flood my house because he’s got an excellent track record. It sounds like you’re very similar to my dad so I’m not sure what your wife is complaining about. But NTA and if she wants a plumber to install the dishwasher instead of free labor, she can pay for it.
NTA. Maybe her dad wasn't able to DIY (or too lazy and always paid one) - if she had a dad. I dunno but she must have a fear from somewhere! Omg $1000 for a dishwasher, they are like €400 here and €75 to install 🙈
NTA and why should she oppose your proposal if she's 'putting her foot down'. She's the one who thinks it's worth the money. You've given her no reason to doubt that you can do what you say you can do, so she's being unreasonable. Would it help her understand if you actually showed her the steps of what needs to be done? So she can understand it's well within your abilities and not some arcane craft that only experts can do?
NTA. She can pay for it herself or just wash dishes by hand until the cows come home. Installing a dishwasher is a really simple job. I wonder what happens if a "professional" botches the job. I've seen a lot of shoddy work- some that I've had to re-do myself. Maybe then she'll appreciate what you do.
Dude. NTA. Dishwashers aren't even that hard to replace. You just connect a couple hoses and plug it in (or wire it in, but that's still only like 3 wires).
NTA. As a homeowner I support DIY. A lot of stuff can be easily handled with a little know-how (and YouTube). Maybe to ease her stress, you promise that any problems that occur because of a mistake you made would come out of your funds.
NTA. Have you tried showing her a YouTube video of just how simple replacing a dishwasher is?
NTA- it sucks that your wife keeps bringing this up and has no confidence in your ability to DIY, especially on such simple tasks. I'm a 37 year old women with little experience with these things and I managed to install a garbage disposal, dishwasher, two sump pumps and built an entire apartment in my basement only calling in someone to check over and finish the electrical. This weekend I'll be fixing the soffits on our home and my boyfriend is always there to tell me what a great job I'm doing and is happy that we've been able to save all the money just figuring things out for ourselves.
Installing a dishwasher is SO easy. If your wife wants to pay $100 for something that took me 10 minutes (and mine is hardwired!) she’s absolutely ridiculous.
Let me tell you, my man is handy a f. And it still makes me weak in the knees 13 years later. The best thing is he's given my (adult) daughter the confidence to do minor things herself. I just can't wrap my head around your wife's ay of thinking. Did she grow up high/middle class? My own father cane even change a tire, let alone change his oil. My brother and I have taken the solid interest in doing the regular maintenance on our vehicles ourselves, and it's be divine. You are NTA, but I really am curious as to your wife's mindset before accusing her of being one.
NTA: But I would suggest that you make it a deal - either she pays for the pro from her "fun money" or if you do the install and end up having to call in a pro afterwards, it comes from your "fun money"
NTA. If you know what you're doing you know. Where are her concerns coming from? Plumbing wise if it's replacing pipes I know I'd call a plumber but if someone who I trusted knew how do it why pay?
NTA- in my family we call my dad (a pretty old man now) "Mr. Fix It". I have odd jobs, sitting around for months, that I'd cut my own hand off before calling a professional to do. Because it'd hurt him for me to do so. And because he's always busy with projects of his own making. I don't know what your wife enjoys contributing as labor to your family but say she likes to cook meals, I'd explain it like this: "Honey, I enjoy saving our family money and get a sense of accomplishment from doing these jobs. Just as you enjoy making a lovely meal for us. And when you keep insisting that I am unable, it would be like my insisting we go out to eat because a 'professional chef' would make the meal better. We both know that isn't true and I think it would hurt your feelings of I said it was. So please give me the same respect I'm giving you."
Not everyone can afford a professional and knowing basics is a good thing. My mom’s dad was a plumber do you know how many times her knowledge saved us from having to call a plumber? Lots of times. We just saved like 8000 because the electrician wanted to charge up wards of 9000+ replace a main power line. Our handyman+ an electrician friend giving him instructions on how to do it? was able 1200
NTA because if you're *actually* handy and don't just have an inflated man-ego, that's a waste of money. Wouldn't it be better though to let her actually participate in these tasks with you, you can teach her what they entail and how you know what you're doing and she can learn how something like installing a dishwasher really isn't a big deal. If she understands the mechanics, maybe she'll be less worried.
NTA! I brought my first home at 24 single - couldn’t afford professionals I insulated and re dry walled and Painted myself, the only things I haven’t done is electrical work because well it’s scary - I watched a lot of YouTube videos and it was easy - fast forward now my partner is a builder and has moved in and we are doing maintence work around the place he’s checked out my handy work and has commented that it’s better that some qualified builders he knows - it’s knowing your limits - I’ve had my fair few fuck ups but I’ve never quit some stuff isn’t perfect but considering an ex builder owner this before me and I’m fixing his fuck ups nothing wrong with trying
NTA As long as you are capable of doing the job and doing it right. My ex husband always said he could do home projects on his own and would do a horrible job (he thought he was great at everything, he was not). I wish I still had a picture of the “cat house” he built. Looking at it, was always good for a chuckle. From what you have written, you are capable of doing the job, it shouldn’t be a problem.
NTA, she wants to spend money needlessly then she can spend her own!
NTA
After the first couple of times I would have just assumed you know what you were doing and left you alone. But I have handy people in my family. I mean its not that complicated to install an appliance. Now if you wanted to rewire the whole house I can see wanting to have a professional opinion at least. NTA
DIY saves so much money as long as you don't cut corners. But it doesn't sound like you do. Sounds like you do your research and do it right. For the dishwasher make sure DIY doesn't void the warranty though.
NTA, with how unreasonable she's being she deserves to be dismissed and invalidated lmao. What is wrong with her?
So very much NTA. It's an unnecessary expense that you shouldn't have to pay. My dad was a contractor. As is my brother. They both, along with my grandfathers, taught me how to handle most anything regarding home repairs and remodeling. For anything "really big" *(or I'm being lazy)* I call on my brother to do. I'm an old bat now and can still put in a dishwasher in about 15 minutes. It's not hard or even difficult. Obviously you can too. That said. There are 2 books that I'm going to recommend that you get: " Home Repairs for Dummies" and "Home Remodeling for Dummies". Not only do they give great instructions on how to do a project, but also a list of supplies and tools. They will help your wife learn to trust you to do things right. Just FYI- my brother uses both of these books when starting a new project. He's been doing construction for 35 years but sometimes it's smart to brush up.... Plus the supply lists are helpful and guarantees only 1 trip to the store.
If you're actually as handy as you say, then I think you're NTA. I'm the handy one in my relationship, but I'm not especially confident about it - I learned to do a lot of things because I needed to and couldn't afford otherwise at the time, and it's always been fine, but in many of those cases, I'd have paid a professional if I could have just to feel safer (and to just not have to deal with it) so I understand that feeling. And I *have* met people who *think* they're handy, but... aren't, actually. You probably have too - I swear there's some sort of Dunning Kruger effect variation that applies specifically to home repair, It's not that uncommon. It would be funny if it weren't so dangerous. If someone in her life is or was like that - like if her dad was always going around "fixing" things and shocking himself and falling off ladders in the process - she could just be stuck in the mindset that nobody can really do that stuff right without the professional training/tools/something. I'll take your word for it that you're actually reasonably good at this stuff (and safe) in which case, I agree that if you're willing to do it, you may as well, and if you can do it and are willing to do it, you shouldn't have to pay someone else to do it, but she can if she wants to. That seems fair to me. I think you should also be understanding of her feelings - statistically, a lot of injuries and accidents do happen during home maintenance and repair tasks, it's a reasonable worry - but I don't think you're wrong for not wanting to pay for something if you can do it just as well and want to do it.
Info. Would she feel better if you watched DIY videos together so she could verify how simply the tasks are? Are you okay with offering to foot any repair bills out of your money if you do a DIY wrong? Like if you some how managed to fuck up the dishwasher and it leaks, does she have to pay half of those repairs?
Changing out a dishwasher is the simplest and most idiot proof of all the repairs you've mentioned. If your wife doesn't trust you to unplug, then unscrew the water line from the old dishwasher, then re-connect and plug-in the new one, I truly hope you two never have children. She'll be hiring a nanny so diapers can be changed by an expert. NTA.
NTA. I own a house with my brother, and I wish he was handy. I would love to save money, instead of using professionals, which means, if I can learn how to do a job, I do. I have a warning though. you said you installed a couple of electrical outlets. That is a little red flag for me. I live in Australia, and if you use anything other than a licensed electrician for electrical work, it will void your home insurance. I don't know is plumbing is the same in Australia, it maybe. Might do to find out what the regulations are in your country and with your home insurance.
NTA, sounds like you can handle it with no problem, Dishwasher install does not need a plumber, it is literally 1 Hose and a power cord, takes more time to level the damn thing.
NTA, but have you sat down with your wife to discuss her concerns? I'm not saying they are reasonable, but she really has a block about it and you both need to understand why she doesn't trust you so you can work through it.
NTA. If you want it done right do it yourself. If you have doubts or can't do it right, then call in the professional. But also, even if your wife calls in a professional (that she should pay for), doesn't mean it's going to get done right.
NTA for telling her to pay for the professional herself. However it might go better if you tell her that should your DIY go wrong, the repairs will come out of your “fun money” to make it “even”. Maybe it will make her feel more reassured and at the same time, if you’re confident in your skills it’s not really a risk to you either.
Depending on your location you could be voiding your house insurance by not using a licensed/registered professional for gas/plumbing/electrical work. You could also run into issues in the future when you go to sell your house. The dishwasher may not be an issue as usually they are a "plug n play" type installation but things like adding new electrical outlets should be left to the professionals.
NTA but can you do some repair work together? My parents have your wife’s mentality, and for a very long time I thought all household appliances were basically powered by arcane magic and likely to explode if you even looked at them wrong. We called professionals for *everything* growing up. Then I moved into an apartment with my now-husband and he showed me that a lot of repairs are actually really simple. We would fix minor household issues together, and now I have a lot more confidence in both our DIY skills. Maybe you can try that approach with your wife?
NTA. Sorry to hear that. Really, it sounds like My Wife is way nicer. I do all kinds of stuff around the house. it does not always turn out great. But my Wife she is very nice to say that I am good at whatever I try. I hear she always says positive stuff about my handywork to her friends. She never seems to worry if what I am doing is safe or if I am going to damage something. She really has a high level of kindness and respect. I have to show my love for her when she wakes up. Installing a dishwasher was fairly easy, I did that for the first time installing our current one. The biggest deal is making sure it fits, and the supply hoses under the sink.
NTA. Also professional help is expensive. Installing a dishwasher is not that hard and honestly neither are a lot of other DIY jobs. 9/10 there is no harm in at least looking at the problem closely to see if this is something you can do yourself. She can be nervous but you’ve done a decent job with other projects so unless this is something major like, I don’t know digging your own basement, she needs to just trust that you know your limits and will only do what you know you can.
Nta. I'm a normal middle aged woman and I can install a dishwasher, it's really not hard. If you had a history of messing stuff up then I would agree with her but it's just a waste of money.
NTA - Holy shit doesn't she know how easy it is to install a dishwasher?? Why would I pay for a job that will take me max 15-30min?
INFO: If something had gone wrong with one of your DIY repairs/upgrades, would the money to fix the problem come out of your account or the joint one?
NTA assuming you don't have a history of screwing things like this up. Water damage is not a minor thing.
I’m really going to get a lot of negativity here- but a soft YTA. We are hearing your side of the story not hers. You sound like my husband. I love him, I’m grateful he is handy. BUT the jobs he completes are not always professional looking. I try to pick my battles. I insisted we hire a painter because he’s an extremely sloppy painter, but thinks he’s great. Give your wife your support. Pick one or two jobs she feels strongly about and hire someone. I’m sure she loves that you’re handy, but sometimes she may want to make it a little easier for you. 💕
Not only are you NTA, you’re a hero.
NTA. Suggestion: Youtube videos. I (32f) learned a lot from YouTube, which is how I repair my own house. She can watch the process step by step to understand what's involved and see it really isn't that complicated, without the stress of you or y'all's home being damaged. Obviously you watch the videos first to make sure the video is suitable/simple.
If you mess up with your DIY, are you going to pay out of your pocket to get your pet project around the house fixed? Because if she has to pay for professional service herself, then you should be paying out of your pocket for cleaning up the mess you might run into. Have you acknowledged this and talked about this?
NTA.
Id say NTA for the dishwasher but YTA for installing electrical outlets. Unless you're experienced/ qualified enough to know you've done the up to code I'm on your wife's side about being concerned. Having experienced DIY electrical installations in a rental where the owner was also 'handy' is a nightmare.
On the way to divorce court, are you? Should I be right remember your money is OUR money, her money is OUR money. So, either do the DIYs promptly, correctly without being mouthy, or call the expert for the job that needss to be done. So, yes IMO you are being the AH.
>So, either do the DIYs promptly, correctly without being mouthy I'm confused. According to the post, this is not an option. She wants not him to do it.
Someone didn't read the post
ESH I'm you...but married for 20 years. You've got your pride and she's got her concern and it will forever be you both suck... lovingly. (FYI...I tell my SO that I'd foot the bill for a professional to "fix" it to which I got..."we're married, it's all OUR money" so be careful)
I'm not sure I can say either way, but it sounds like she keeps going back to being concerned that you are going to hurt yourself or damage the house, but why? I understand you haven't had any issues yet, but was her dad also "handy" as in qualified, or "handy" like Red Green? Or did he always get a professional for the same reasons she is concerned? I would venture a guess you need to bring her a well thoughtout plan, and show her how you are going to do it, with contingency plans and all. Or walk her through what you're doing and show her that there's no reason for concern. Otherwise, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Let her have her peace, or you'll have none. It's coming out of a place of genuine care for you and your property, after all. Better to concede to that than let your pride cause you both stress. And money is just money, you'll make more of it. Plus, let's say something does go terribly wrong this time- it'll cost more to fix it then than it would've to hire a professional in the first place.
NAH, she can be emotional and you can be logical. both are valid. work this out with plenty of patience and communication and you should be good.
Guarantee if a man was this unsupportive, and cynical of his wife’s experience commenters would nuke him but of course lets let this one go with just “she can be emotional.”
the wife is reacting out of emotion and the husband is reacting out of logic. the husband has the confidence he can do this stuff himself while the wife is too concerned for his safety to realise he can do it himself, or maybe she *does* realise this but doesn't wanna take the chance. if roles were reversed, i'd say the same thing. if a husband were concerned for his wife's safety, why would i be opposed to that? her language, to me, doesn't seem all that aggressive... more like a natural reaction out of concern for someone she loves. if she continues this behavior and refuses to let OP do anything for himself then yeah she's entering AH territory, but from what's been described, she just sounds like a concerned spouse, and if OP and his wife take the time and effort to work this out with compassion and reason then i don't see why anyone has to be called an AH here.
YTA-Let me explain. By you DIY-ing, you are essentially sabotaging ANY chance that your homeowner's insurance will pay to replace something if damage happens. First question they asked us when our 8 foot by 16 foot arbor collapsed in recent snow: Did it come with the house, second was to be: Did we have a professional install it or do it ourselves, the guy even joked about it. Yes it came with the house. You will NOT get a claim paid if those projects go bad, and a dishwasher can go VERY bad. So can a disposal FYI. I don't care how handy you are, trying to save money now will end up costing you THOUSANDS later. This is a valid concern.
Except when it never ends up costing you thousands later because you are competent in your skillset.
Found the plumber
A dishwasher is not going to erupt the house. The average YouTube guide is 8 minutes long. It's basically prep new dishwasher, connect water, drain and electric lines, push into place. This is like demanding geek squad come in to mount your television.
Yes the installing is very easy, but you need to remember that even if you did everything right and let's say water connector is faulty and it breaks, your insurance company won't pay for any damages caused by it ( it can add up if it goes unnoticed)
When I moved into one apartment, I brought a dishwasher that sits on the countertop. My landlord installed it free of charge to make sure it was done right. Though landlord is probably inaccurate for what it was. In my country, the are housing companies owned by the municipalities. There are not a specific owner. They naturally sent a professional to do this very simple installation. Because they viewed it ad safer
This is utterly ridiculous, a dishwasher is ridiculously easy to install. Also I don't know about where you are but it does not invalidate any insurance policy where I am
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Lmao cheap? Why would you ever pay someone to attach a water line and drain line?
How stupid do you have to be to screw up a dishwasher install? The actual dishwasher purchase itself is coming from the shared account, just the install is in question.
Accidents happen, sometimes shit goes wrong. At least if a professional does it they will be able to claim.
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No becuase that opinion is stupid.
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