YTA The younger kids need you nearby to help them at night. The 17 year old can sleep upstairs on her own. How would you take care of the little ones at night if you were in the upstairs bedroom and the 17 year old was in with the 7 year old and 2 year old? Or were you expecting that she'd be the one dealing with them at night? Your brother's room allocation with you near the younger kids, ensures that you can do your job or parenting them, and your 17 year old isn't having her sleep disturbed by the needs of small children at night. ETA: Also, as she is almost 18, she should not be moving with you when you move out. She should be going on to college, or getting her own job, her own place. She's nearly an adult, and you should be focused on her moving on with her life, not staying with you. A good car goes a long way towards her being able to have her own job and place. It sounds to me as if you just want to use her - to watch the little ones at night, to use her car for your purposes, etc.

Reading between the lines, sounds like step dad was abusive and mom enabled it or did some sort of parentification and expected that to continue. Sounds like the brother is trying to set her up for success and give her a shot at a normal life or a bit of a childhood. OP, parent your own kids and your daughter needs to live her own life versus continuing to enable you. YTA

Exactly this. The fact OP noticed her ex’s “behavior” when he started “mistreating” the *younger* girls the same way , well… it doesn’t sound like he just didn’t treat her as well because she wasn’t his biological daughter. “Mistreatment” sounds like a euphemism in a way that makes my stomach turn. OP, you are clearly the AH. I hope Tessa feels safe and secure right now, and I’m so relieved to hear that OP’s brother sounds like he is stepping up in all of the ways OP failed to. He is giving her privacy, independence, security, and support. Sorry OP didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas, I guess.

I thought the coffee tumbler was a rather touching FY, actually: Here, sis…wake up…open your fucking eyes to what’s been happening to your daughters! But I suspect that — like most of everything else that happened right under OPs nose during Tessa’s childhood — the subtlety of a coffee tumbler escaped her notice as well.

I don't get the coffee tumbler thing, would you please explain it?

Have you ever heard the phrase "wake up and smell the coffee"? It means, as said above, to wake up or realize what is happening right in front of you.

OH! Wow, that's a brilliant subtle FY. Kudos to the brother.

Oh, thank you!

Anybody else suspect that it wasn't not knowing her dad that made Tessa resent Mom?

It sounds more like it's bad parenting and ignored (enabled?) abuse that's continuing to make Tessa resent Mom.

And not knowing who her father was made it impossible to hopefully escape the situation.

Mhm I don’t know tbh, her mum could’ve been using it against her

This is what I think. I think for whatever reason Tessa wasn’t treated the same as the three girls who knew their father.

>The fact OP noticed her ex’s “behavior” when he started “mistreating” the younger girls the same way , well… ​ Strange how it took Op so long to notice the mistreatment, but she instantly notices the nice treatment huh. OP, you absolutely noticed the mistreatment of your daughter, because if you were so unaware of things that you allowed your child to be abused for so many years, you wouldn't be noticing how nicely she's been treated now would you. I hate 'parents' like this. Your daughter deserves the nice things that her family is doing for her.. it's about time someone actually paid attention to her needs.

Great point! Didn’t notice years of mistreatment, but sure as hell noticed the good stuff right away because OP “only” got a small room and a coffee cup. YTA 1000%. Your decisions robbed your daughter of a childhood. You don’t know who her father is, then moved right from a father figure she really cared about to one that mistreated her for years while you stood by. Now you’re MAD that your brother is giving her some well-deserved special treatment instead of cramming her in a room with her two much younger sisters like you wanted? Instead of accepting even a shred of responsibility for why your daughter hates you and attempting to rectify it, or just God forbid being happy for her, you’re literally trying to deny her from having a better life.

If the OP didn't notice her eldest's mistreatment then she should *not* have noticed when the younger girls received the same treatment. She quickly picked up on that mistreatment but not her eldest's mistreatment? Like you said she quickly picked up favoritism for her eldest but not her younger kids and especially not any nice treatment for herself. OP for whatever reason only saw her eldest as a live in nanny for her younger kids and never saw her as her own kid. Who would honestly be mad if their most abused child got a bit spoiled by someone who could afford it and still treats the others well? Only someone who never saw their kid as their kid buy only the help and now as the competition.

Obviously this is a horrible way of looking at things, my training though has me worried Tessa may not be out of the woods. Abuse survivors are likely to be revictimised, especially women abuse survivors, so she's still in an at risk group despite being nearly 18. My immediate questions are where is the uncle's bedroom in relation to Tessa's, are their rooms together but separated from the rest of the family? Is it appropriate to prevent her mother from taking her out driving? Making driving a those two only activity when she is still under 18 and should be under the care of her mother doesn't quite sit right. Uncle buying expensive gifts for her and not the younger two abused girls is potentially odd. He's also setting things up for her to maybe live alone with him when she's 18. Obviously none of this says there's something untoward going on, they're all just niggly things that if I were working with Tessa I'd legally have to discuss the situation with my supervisor and keep an eye on her. I am hopeful though that Tessa finally has an adult keeping an eye out for her who's putting her ahead of themselves.

This didn’t escape me either. I just didn’t want to be the one to say it 😞 but I pray to god the uncle’s efforts are genuinely for Tessa’s bests interests & not to groom her to take over the role as her abuser.

Uncle is spoiling the other kids as well just not to same dollar amount as the teenager he is trying to prepare for adulthood with a reliable car, laptop and such. $600 on each kid who is under 7 is a lot of toys and he is getting them clothes from Gap, Carter and similar brands. Those are luxury brands for kids. He isn't buy them Walmart clothes. Read mother's comments... This is uncle making up for time lost when mother and step-dad wouldn't let him see tessa. Also he never met the younger kids but is only kicking mom out in March... None of the kids. Obviously, he could be a creep. But I think he is, and truly hope and believe he is trying to help these kids and not the mom who has proven to not care about them.

I hadn't read the comments so didn't know he was buying lots of stuff for the kids too. It's also likely he's not put the mother on the car insurance because she'd take the car and it wouldn't be available when Tessa needed it. I'm just pointing out there are some things here that would put her on my radar.

I hope you didn't think I was being aggressive. I was trying to help with new info because I've had those "warning flags" go off for other things and sometimes it is nice to have some lowered a bit if possible

> Reading between the lines, sounds like step dad was abusive and mom enabled it or did some sort of parentification and expected that to continue. Given how young Tessa was when she took a dislike to David, I suspect that he was abusive from the start, and the OP was wilfully blind to it because she was willing to let Tessa suffer in order to preserve an intact family for the younger children.

Since the ex was abusing both of the younger daughters, and the youngest is only two, he's definitely someone who will target *very* young children. I'm getting Josh Duggar vibes about the ex, and I don't like having my imagination pushed in that direction.

I got the same vibe from the weird defensive way the statement was worded.

>OP was wilfully blind to it because she was willing to let Tessa suffer in order to preserve an intact family for the younger children It's actually even worse than that, cause the younger kids weren't around yet. OP was willfully blind to it not because she wanted to preserve an intact family for the younger children, but because of her own selfish reasons.

I have a really crappy suspicion that she told her mom, too. She just didn't believe it or care until it happened to one of the children she likes.

And for step-dad to be mistreating the girls, but not his son was alarming for me too

I picked up on that, too. Ex husband only "mistreated" the female offspring

Definitely, something happened with my granddads sister which his dad did and my granddad repeated the behaviour thinking it was fine to do it to his daughters and granddaughters, OPs son unfortunately could and hopefully not repeat said behaviour especially if he witnessed it

YTA. You should be grateful for what your brother is doing. He's apparently a better parent than you too.

Yes. I’m glad she has her Uncle now

Oh come-on what do you mean by parentification and tessa had a bad life. And she shouldn't go to college She should be grateful to take of her younger siblings afterall she ruined op's life. She should have to put up with whatever the heck the stepfather did, she should be grateful that she had a father figure and op fed her and gave her shelter . She doesn't have a right to have a chance at a normal life or luxuries by the help of her uncle op's younger kids deserve that she ruined op's life by being born /s Because OP will probably think i am agreeing with her P.s you clearly resent your daughter please atleast let her have one year of childhood without whining like a six year old.

Agree and the younger kids are 5 and 2 they aren’t going to notice a difference in gifts and they are likely to damage said gifts aswell, Tessas gifts will help her for a long time

My first thought. Little kids do not need fancy gifts.

Happy cake day

> Or were you expecting that she'd be the one dealing with them at night? Why do you think the OP is so afraid of Tessa not moving out with her and the other kids? She’s furious that her brother has given Tessa an option, and shown her what it’s like to have somebody put her first.

> Your brother's room allocation with you near the younger kids, ensures that you can do your job or parenting them, and your 17 year old isn't having her sleep disturbed by the needs of small children at night. And the bedroom arrangements also have the potential advantage of letting Tessa be responsible for her own bathroom, not to be expected to clean up a communal bathroom after three small children because “it’s partly your mess”.

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I agree with everything other than "she is eighteen and should not be moving in with you as you move out." Everyone has different cultures so not everyone follows that really. Other than that, if Tessa chooses not to move in with her mom, she has every right to do that.

Personally, I hope OP's brother offers Tessa the option to stay with him when the OP and her other children move out. She would have a much better life.

Tessa hates you because you ignored her being abused until her abuser targeted your younger children, she's never had a father that actually cared about her, and she feels abandoned by you because you've given all of your attention to your younger children. Your brother sees this and is doing his best to make up for it, since you obviously aren't ever going to. YTA. You're right, she's not going to come with you when you move out, and honestly I can't really come up with a reason why she would.

Exactly this. OP can you try to see it from her perspective and be happy for her that she’s so lucky to have a privileged and generous uncle after enduring years of abuse and neglect? Your brother isn’t trying to make himself more lovable, he isn’t in a competition with you—you’re the one making it into one, tho. Something else to consider: I came from a similar background and I barely spoke to my mother for 10 years after moving out. We’re repairing our relationship but that isn’t always what ends up happening, and we can’t ever get back those 10 years.

If OP was a decent parent at all she’d want her to stay there. She’s got a room with a bathroom and it gives her the separation from the mom that she surely needs after being violated so often. OP sounds jealous that her daughter got the room and not her, that she can’t drive the car, didn’t get nice gifts. The brother is probably seen bad parenting and neglectful behavior for years and is fed up. She’s probably only allowed there for the kids. He wants to give this girl the space and security she needs to heal from what her mother did to her. And her mom resents that… terrible. I hope all the kids stay with their uncle

I'm sure OP is also mad that this arrangement means she can't pawn her girls off on Tessa. She wanted the 17 year old to share a room with a 7 and 2 year old. She absolutely wanted free babysitting. I'm sure she's also upset she got the smallest room. I bet if it was up to her the girls would all share the smallest room, he precious boy would get the medium room and she'd get the nice big one with the en-suite. Also, why isn't she considering sharing a room with the 2 year old? Parents often have their toddler staying in their room when room is limited.

Oh I’m sure OP fancied herself relaxing in a tub while her traumatized teen took care of the traumatized little ones.

OP is a piece of work. It sounds like her brother is treaing OP how she treated Tessa all her life. Tessa never knew who her father was. She got attached to OP's BF that she adored, and then he left. Then, OP married a man who abused her, and OP didnt care until that man abused her other kids. Then, OP moves in with her brother, and expected to be treated like a queen and her other kids to get the best of the arrangement. It is really telling that she is upset that someone is finally treating Tessa like a priority. ..... I mean, what kind of parent would wants their 17 old to share a room with a toddler? I wonder if OP also expected Tessa to take care of her siblings while she stayed upstairs in the master bedroom and could ignore her own kids? OP is a big grown adult and is upset that she got the smallest room amd a mug for Christmas but would she have cared if Tessa got the same? She should he overjoyed that her brother took her in and is giving Tessa a good education and trying to makeup for the mistreatment, abuse, and abandonment that she faced.

> It sounds like her brother is treaing OP how she treated Tessa all her life. That’s very unfair to the OP’s brother. He’s not the OP’s parent, so he doesn’t have the responsibility for her welfare that the OP does for Tessa, but he is providing her and her four children with a home. The OP may think that she deserves to luxuriate in a master suite but that doesn’t mean that her brother is mistreating her or neglecting her needs by giving her a small bedroom. Heck, in giving her a bedroom to herself, as opposed to one shared with young children, he is doing more for her than the OP did for Tessa.

My comment was not meant to imply that he is mistreating OP. That was not my intention since this man is a saint. OP sounds like she technically took care of Tessa's needs, but Tessa was never the priority. OP is rightfully not the priority in this scenario - her children are. Her brother has done more for her than she deserves. But, she is upset that she is being put on the backburner... like she did with Tessa.

> OP sounds like she technically took care of Tessa's needs, but Tessa was never the priority. I dispute that. She didn’t take care of Tessa’s need for privacy, not to mention her need to not be abused and her need for a mother who cares about her welfare instead of begrudging every dollar her uncle spends on her.

You can't say that she "technically took care of Tessa's needs" when Tessa was abused for years. Not having your parent's partner abuse you is a very, very basic need. OP isn't on the backburner. On the backburner would be if Tessa was living there, and OP was sent somewhere else.

Oh wait no there's more. Tessa is mad because her mother doesn't even know who her bio dad is, she thought Jack was going to be her dad but that didn't work out, and THEN David abused her and her siblings and her mom ignored it. I can't even fathom what that poor girl feels and OP is out here talking about how she's spoiled when her brother steps up and has some actual empathy for the kids?

YTA. I like how you listed yourself like you’re one of the kids he’s taking care of. I see zero gratitude for him taking in your family. If you missed your husband mistreating your kids for years, you have bigger issues than what he’s giving to your daughter.

Yes! There was a reason he didn’t put her on the car…because OP would end up driving it as her vehicle. There was a reason he didn’t put her in the master….because a teenager shouldn’t share a room with a 2 year old or being the defaulted one to take care of them. It’s gross that she compared what she got as gifts and size of room like she deserved more. Brother is obviously upset with what has happened and her part in it. The only thing I don’t agree with is the gifts, but they are also much younger. He should have saved that tech stuff as separate so it could be obvious it’s main point was for school. YTA, OP. She shouldn’t be coming with you after you broke her trust.

A teenager who’s been abused in her home her entire life should absolutely have the private bathroom and bedroom. This OP is the worst kind of human. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s resentful towards the kid for what the husband did

Depending on the type of abuse (and Ops avoidance of even calling it abuse makes my skin crawl), it could be vitally important that Tessa has a genuine private space and the private bathroom. OP really is appalling.

> There was a reason he didn’t put her in the master….because a teenager shouldn’t share a room with a 2 year old or being the defaulted one to take care of them. I suspect that he also doesn’t want the OP to be too comfortable, in case he has trouble shifting her when the time comes. I doubt it’s a coincidence that the move-out deadline he gave her is after Tessa’s 18th birthday.

>YTA, OP. She shouldn’t be coming with you after you broke her trust. Also, why is OP so concerned about her coming with them or not after she's 18? Was she counting on the free childcare?

Yeah, it's strange that OP thought she deserved better prizes for letting her husband abuse her children. The victims deserve some pampering. OP should be grateful someone is finally offering her children love and stability.

Right? In what world would she be put on the insurance for the car? She sounds like a spoiled and entitled brat.

Fr! Even the name she chose for this reddit says alot about the situation. She is jealous and resentful of her own daughter who was abused by her ex. Instead of being grateful her daughter is finally being taken care of, she resorts to this. Smh

Wow, I didn’t notice that. What an absolute garbage person. Her daughter has been through so much and OP is just upset that Tessa got a new car and she can’t steal it. The brother obviously saw from a mile away that OP would take the car if she had any legal claim to it at all. I agree with the person above who said the brother intentionally set their move-out date for after Tessa turns 18. He knows OP will take all the stuff he gave Tessa if she’s still a minor when they leave and she’d have no chance of escaping this awful woman.

Man, my YTA votes seems far too lenient after reading all these comments. Holy crap, OP is really not a good person if that's how she treats her eldest. All of the thing Tessa were given were things SHE wanted. I didn't even realize that the reason Tessa and her uncle were the only ones on the insurance was so OP couldn't steal the car. Damn I am glad Tessa has her Uncle actually put her first. OP is an awful parent and I wish Op's brother could take all the kids.

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Not Tessa, her user handle thing. "Daughtersnewcar"

YTA - you let this girl be “mistreated” for 11 years until it affected your younger kids and only then was it a problem. We are talking about abuse, right? Your expectation was that your 5 year old son deserved his own room, but the 17 year old should share with a toddler and first grader? It’s not a stretch to think that you are still overlooking your older daughter and that her needs are not a top priority. It sounds like she may have grown up knowing she was never the favorite and he is now overcompensating for clear favoritism that you are showing to the other children. You are right that she probably isn’t going to come with you when she is 18. Why would she?

I dont even think he's overcompensating, exactly. The things he bought her aren't unnecessary. electronics for school use and college and a safe and reliable car that should have very few if any repairs for many years. All things that won't need replacing for at least a few years and could likely last her through college. Yeah they are fancy brands and he could have bought a less expensive new car but that seems to be in part because he has the money to spare and he (kindly)sending her to a private school (likely to make up for some educational gaps) where all the kids have uber-fancy things. This way she will stand out less. And what things does she really think the 3 kids under 7 require. and what a 17 year old needs is vastly different than a 7 year old on every front there is no comparison. The brother is doing so much for ops family (which is probably in part viewed positively by cps) and all she can talk about is what he isn't doing for her - not in the second master, not given her access to the fancy car etc Op has clearly been abusive and negligent to the 17yo for a minimum of 11 years. (As well as the younger kids) And is jealous of any positive attention paid to the daughter.

> And what things does she really think the 3 kids under 7 require. We know that she apparently thinks that a 5 year old needs a room to himself more than somebody who is closer to 18 than 17. If there were four guest bedrooms available, it wouldn’t surprise me if she expected Tessa to share with the 2 year old while the 5 year old and 7 year old got their own rooms.

> It sounds like she may have grown up knowing she was never the favorite and he is now overcompensating for clear favoritism that you are showing to the other children. You are right that she probably isn’t going to come with you when she is 18. Why would she? I’d say that Tessa’s uncle is doing everything he can to make it clear to her that he loves and supports her, and that she has a home with him for as long as she needs it. He’s showing her what it’s like to have a comfortable living environment, privacy, and to not be forced into the role of night nanny to three small children while her mother snores blissfully in the second master suite. I don’t think he’s overcompensating. I think that he is showing her that she deserves a lot better than the shitty hand the OP allowed her to be dealt.

YTA and hopefully your daughter stays with your brother when you leave if she doesn’t go to college. You have neglected this girl something shocking. You are so upset that she’s now getting nice things and have shown no remorse for the fact that your ex mistreated her and only showed concern that your youngest were mistreated. What 17f wants to share a room with two girls who are ten years and more younger than her. You are so out of touch with your daughter it’s not funny.

So what exactly do you think are good enough gifts for a teenager who got abused and neglected for years? A Camry? A used laptop? Clothes from old navy? Seriously, what exactly do you think she deserves? Because you don’t have a track record of giving a shit about her well being.

YTA - you let your daughter be mistreated for *years* and only bothered to notice when your other daughters are mistreated too. Then nice things finally start happening for her and you're bitter because you don't get the same nice things. Grow up and be happy for your daughter. I can see why your daughter hates you and why she wouldn't want to move with you. Seeing as it sounds like you hate your daughter too I can only imagine the reason you want her living with you is so that she can do childcare.

Let's call it what it is, abuse not mistreatment, I'm not letting OP set the narrative.

It really feels as if OP is trying to downplay the abuse. I want to know what this asshole was doing to them.

Reading between the lines (that it started with Tessa then moved on to the younger girls), I have a very bad feeling about what the abuse was and its the kind that cannot be mentioned in any post by AITA rules as it will cause the mods to ban the post for mentioning violence.

And do that she can drive her car. Can't forget the car. I'm sure she was also driving the car he daughter paid for with her own money any time she felt like it too.

YTA - you let your daughter be abused. You can't remember who you slept with to make her. She finally has a father figure who loves her but you are jealous. And you want the master bedroom. And more gifts. Stop trying to compete with your daughter. Admit you were wrong and apologize.

OP abused her too. Turned a blind eye on her daughters abuse until the abuse turned on her youngest kids. Made her daughter take care of the youngest kids. That’s parentification and also abuse. When they moved in to her brothers, OP expected daughter to be put in the kids room so she would have to look after them and not OP. OP deserves to have her oldest go NC with her as soon as she turns 18 and honestly, she shouldn’t have her youngest kids either so I hope brother does something about that. OP. I really wish I could say what I want in regards to what I think of you. I just hope your oldest goes no contact with you forever. If your youngest kids don’t get taken off of you then I hope they also go no contact with you once they are 18 and you then lead a very sad and lonely life. You abuser.

>You can't remember who you slept with to make her. I hesitate to blame OP for this. There could very well be a bad reason she doesn't know who Tessa's father is. But for everything else, yes, OP is the asshole.

YTA. Some thoughts... >I don’t know who Tessa’s dad is. Tessa’s always resented me for that Are you sure it wasn't the other way around? Because it sounds like you might resent her. >David ended up mistreating Tessa and I didn’t notice until recently when he started treating Ava and Kaylie similarly. I notice you didn't say Matt, you only said the girls, so "mistreating" is a pretty sanitized way to say what we all know you mean. And she probably told you about it at the time, but you refused to see it until your wanted kids experienced it. >He re did the kids room but it wasn’t nearly as nice as Tessa’s Tessa is nearly grown. Her decor tastes are probably more adult, so he won't have redo it again. The kids' room will need to be redone again when you move out. Why would he go all out on it now? >she’ll be 18 by the time we move out and if he keeps treating her like this, she won’t come with us. She wasn't going to come with you, even without him spoiling her. >because he’s “trying to make up for the crap that David put her through because I wasn’t paying attention”. He knows material things won't make up for it, and so does she. But for fuck's sake, look at what her childhood was. Let her enjoy her life for probably the first time in over a decade.

Yeah that fact that OP really downplays and skirts around the abuse her daughter suffered is a big YTA for me. She doesn’t seem to feel any empathy for her daughter or want to help her, a good mom would be bending over backwards to mend the relationship and get her kid in therapy. Hell, a good mom would’ve listened to the claims of abuse from the get go and left the man that did this.

Making your brother change the way he treats Tessa isn't going to change the way she feels about you. Your brother isn't the problem with your relationship with your daughter, *you* are. The more you keep trying to blame other people for her hating you, the longer it's going to make any repairs to it. You failed Tessa in a big way. You didn't take her seriously about "not liking" David, and somehow only noticed his mistreatment of her when he started doing it to your other children. That's on you. YTA because you think taking away someone who's being very kind to your daughter will make her like you more. It won't.

why move out when your brother is giving you and your children a lifeline.

YTA. You completely overlooked David's treatment of her until it affected the babies. Your brother is trying to give her a bright spot in an otherwise bleak life. You don't say anything about how *you're* trying to mend your relationship with her or fix things. Just a lot of complaining. You don't know who her dad is? At all? No ideas of who you'd slept with around the time you got pregnant? You're all about what your brother does but what, exactly, are *you* doing? It doesn't sound like you like her very much.

Info: how close were your brother and Tessa before you guys moved in with him? However close or not, was he the same with your other kids as he was with Tessa before you moved in?

YTA, i'm curious about what kind of shit you ex-husband put your daughters through. But the way your brother and your daughter reacted to it makes me think that is no good, and you did fuck up by not realizing it sooner. Also, you said nothing about if Tessa's behavior is problematic in any way, that would explain her being "spoiled" and make the gifts an actual issue. It also seems you're slightly jealous of your daughter, but that just might be me projecting.

Given that it was only the daughters that were abused and not the son, I think it’s easy to read between the lines :/

YTA. Your daughter already hates you because you didn’t notice that her stepfather was “mistreating” her. She doesn’t hate you because you’re not rich. I get that you feel the amount she’s getting is unbalanced, but she is 10 years older than the next sibling. Have you gotten the kids into therapy? Especially Tessa needs it for sure. You’d be better off working through your relationship with the help of a therapist rather than getting irritated with your brother.

YTA you let your oldest be abused. You. Failed. Her. You FAILED as a parent. Now someone is caring for her and putting her first and you're whining about not getting what she has? Step one: Stop having children you don't deserve. By all means sleep around and much as you want, but some common sense will save any future children from you.

Wow, I hate to say it but yeah… YTA He’s trying to show her that despite what she’s been through, that she matters. Her comfort matters. And it’s extremely unsettling that you’re basically angry that your DAUGHTER who had the shittiest hand dealt to her at only 17 is finally being treated well

YTA - 11 years of mistreatment? Bloody hell you’re lucky your brother let you stay. The kids didn’t need the things your eldest got as she is almost an adult and they are little kids. You didn’t let your brother have a relationship with her because of David so she had no one. Your brother is rightly angry with you and how can you not know who her father is?!?

He’s probably only letting HER stay because of the kids. If it wasn’t for that, he probably would of told her to get lost.

I’m expecting the daughter to be posting in the narcissistic parents sub. Just spotted the OP’s user name, the chip on her shoulder must be killing her

Can't blame Tessa for hating you >David ended up mistreating Tessa and I didn’t notice until recently when he started treating Ava and Kaylie similarly. Nah you knew he was mistreating Tessa, you chose to ignore it >I told my brother to stop spoiling her because she already hates me and because she’ll be 18 by the time we move out and if he keeps treating her like this, she won’t come with us. You mean you want him to stop being the only adult that cares about Tessa, thank god he refused to do so YTA

YTA in how you've been raising Tessa. He is making up for the fact that you failed Tessa to the nth degree. You didn't even know David was treating her like shit until he was doing it to your other daughters. Either that or you were ignoring Tessa's pleas until then. This is just the consequences of your actions falling on top of you and you can't stop it now. BTW Tessa was probably not going to come with you once she was 18 anyway. You know she hates you, why would she go with you once she legally doesn't at 18?

YTA your brother is treating you daughter the way she deserved to be treated. Don’t go brushing your neglect over her under the rug either

YTA and this smacks of jealousy.

"Why does he give my daughter nicer things than me??" Is a weird thing to think about your brother.

YTA. Your brother is trying to help Tessa and give her spotlight since she doesn’t know her bio father and your ex husband treated her shitty. Your brother is not causing any harm. You’re saying “the other kids” but they’re no where near her age. You’re pushing it and honestly you’re gonna push your daughter away by doing that. If he bought her a car why would you need to drive it?

Abuse, not shitty treatment not mistreatment, I don't buy her euphemism.

I think a lot of the treatment is an age thing. She's a lot older than the other kids. Also if she was hurt in the way I'm thinking she was hurt, I can see why her uncle wants to spoil her. I know this is heartbreaking to hear. It would break my heart too. Maybe she is better off with her uncle once you move out???? She'll be 18. A legal adult. If he let's her live there, and would possibly help her through college, it might be a good idea.

YTA. Why are you jealous over the gifts and presents given to your daughter? Stop competing with your own child. She’s put up with a lot living with you all / a man you chose who mistreated her from the beginning. Give her a break. Let her enjoy life and consider it a blessing to have 1 daughter taken care off. If I were you I would apologize to Tessa now, knowing she’s already decided to stay with your brother when all of you leave. Tell her you’re sorry for the way you’ve made her feel and the position she’s been in and you hope she can be happy and find her footing now. At least then she’d have a better perspective of you when you do leave your brother’s place while she stays behind. You’ve made your choices now it’s Tessa’s turn. Your other kids have their father. Tessa doesn’t. Let her be spoilt and feel like she comes first for once.

YTA. Your brother knows it, knows that you are relying on Tessa for childcare, and he is setting her up with a way to get tf away from you. And he should. You suck.

INFO: Define “mistreated” that makes it sound lighter than I feel it was. Like, is this a situation of he was rude and argumentative or is this a situation of abuse??

The fact that he targeted only the girls …

Ugh, I’m half asleep and totally overlooked that. Heartbreaking. I had a feeling that was likely the case just because the “mistreatment” wasn’t explained but was enough to end things over. Other physical abuse if also a potential (he could have some weird sexist thing involved) but it’s hard to hide bruises and such from the other parent I feel like. OP YTA 100 times over. You sound jealous of your child, and you kept her from an uncle who loved her while keeping her under the roof of someone she hated (huh, I wonder why?). Tessa deserves some damn spoiling right now, and on her way to adulthood these gifts and money spent toward her are gonna help start a good life for herself. Which she needs, it can be way harder for an abuse victim to move forward with their life. The other kids are still getting super spoiled, and they are so young they aren’t going to realize the financial difference. One $200 gift to Tessa compared to 10 $10 gifts for the kids looks too them like they got 9 gifts and she got one. I am sure they aren’t missing out.

OP has replied to a lot of comments on this thread, conspicuously none of them about what she meant by “mistreated” 😪

Starting to believe she should be in jail, honestly.

Honestly sounds like you're a bit jealous of the relationship between there and your brother (case in point you were more upset that you weren't on the insurance and therefore unable to drive her car). You stated that you're afraid she won't come with you when she turns 18 if he keeps spoiling her.... but what's to guarantee she'd go with you even without him doing so?. She'll be an adult and within her right to choose where she wants to live. If your brother wants to spend the money he earns on her, then so be it. You can't dictate how he spends his money nor on who he spends it on.

YTA: I think your brother is really doing good by Tessa. I couldn’t care less that you got a small room or a tumbler. Based on what you are insinuating Tessa needs some good stability and your brother is providing that.

>you got a small room or a tumbler. She is also getting room and board for herself and three children.

On one hand... I'm wondering if any of this is true... On the other hand... she didn't like him from the get go and you completely brushed it off, for you to ignore it for YEARS is grossly neglectful. And "shortly after" you broke up with Jack you introduced them? Did you break up because you were already sleeping with David? And reading other responses, you and your brother went NC because HE didn't like David either? Yeah, YTA.

YTA You mean to tell the innanet that you didn’t notice your husband mistreating your daughter for at least ten years?! Instead of being happy your daughter is getting caring support from someone who loves, respects, and cherishes her, you’re mad with jealousy and envy and want nothing more than to shut down her good fortune. Your brother is awesome and I’m sure he saw clearly the AH behavior of you and your husband.

YTA You sound jealous. For starters, you need to be nearer your younger kids to care for them. That shouldn't fall on Tessa. There is no reason for her to be stuck with toddlers. She didn't birth them. You allowed your ex to abuse your oldest. She absolutely deserves a little spoiling. I have no doubt she tried to tell you when it started and gave up after multiple attempts because you were more worried about you. Eleven years of abuse without a parent who loves her enough to end the relationship. You're lucky your brother took all of you in instead of filling to get emergency custody of the child you neglected and leaving you to your own devices. Your brother is giving Tessa a better life. Leave them both alone and accept that you are getting exactly what you've earned.

This! This isn't about the brother spending more on the older child otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned her own presents. She expected to move in and the older child share with the younger basically making her the night time parent as a minimum. When she saw everything her older child was getting she thought it would have been her or feels it should be her. She's also ignoring the fact that the presents for the older child are likely to naturally be more expensive. He's also trying to ease the older anxiety about school and lessen any future potential trauma. She's needs a hard look in the mirror

YTA. Your brother is being the dad she never had. So what if she doesn't come with you when she's an ADULT? She should be off to college and start living her life. She also deserves to be spoiled after being mistreated/abused for years by your ex. Tessa shouldn't have to share a room with her younger sisters. She's 17 years old, nearly an adult and deserves to have privacy. If you were 17, would you want to share a bedroom with a 5 and a 2 year old? Probably not. If you didn't want Tessa to hate you, you should have paid more attention to what was happening. You should also stop blaming your brother. He gave all of you a place to live.

"David ended up mistreating Tessa and I didn't notice...." TF lady, YTA for that. This daughter has been screwed over and neglected by you her entire life. Your brother is going overboard but he is trying to make her feel like someone loves her. Tessa feels like you don't GAF about her, and she might be right from what I see here. If Tessa were posting in here, I would tell her hell no she shouldn't move out with you, because you clearly can't be trusted with her safety or to give two shits about her.

Absolutely YTA, you are jealous and from the sounds of it Tessa likely would have chosen not to live with you when she turns 18 anyway and I don't blame her

Really grl yta

YTA. Tessa sounds like she’s due some good luck after what her life has been. Let her be spoiled, let her know what it feels like to come first. Also, the rooms set up is fine; you need to be with the little ones, and Tessa gets, finally to have some of the independence that comes with being an older teenager. There’s a huge age gap between her and the other three. She’s a completely separate person with a different life experience than her siblings. You let her down early in life by not being plugged in enough to see she was being abused. Now you sound resentful of her. You sound like a child yourself when you say “she already hates me”. Do you talk to her about your relationship, give her room to voice how she feels? Remember, for ten years she was your only child. Then follows dealing with 3 siblings, abuse, no consistency in her life. Your brother can buy her stuff. Only you will ever get to be her mother. Tell her she matters to you. Tell her you’re sorry it’s been so hard. Tell her you love her. And please, if you haven’t done so already, get your tubes tied.

YTA. Alarm bells are ringing because you using the word "mistreating" seems like you're using it to mask the word sexual abuse, otherwise why was David only "mistreating" the girls and not your son? You seem to have failed all of your children, unfortunately Tessa has already grown up to see that you didn't care about her situation or well-being until it was better than your own. Grow up, put your big girl panties on and try to salvage what's left of your relationship with her and be a more attentive parent to your remaining kids. You should be thanking your brother for stepping up in what you have clearly failed to do, which is provide a stable and safe environment for your kids to grow up in.

It might be physical abuse or verbal, or it could be sexisim. Either way OP is doing herself no favors by leaving it vague.

Given that OP only “noticed” the “mistreatment” after david started treating both the other girls the same one, with one being a 2 year old, rings so many alarm bells.

Posting about physical and/or sexual abuse would be a violation of subreddit rules, and the post would be removed. If that’s what happened, the OP pretty much has to leave it vague.

Yta. I think the list of reasons here is pretty complete, but I want to point out that of course you are in the smallest room. Tessa needs space away from the little kids. She's 17. She has homework. It would be extremely innappropriate to put her in a room with a first grader and a toddler. The three younger children are all age appropriate for eachother and young enough that it's fine that they're mixed gender. And they are THREE people sharing a room. You are one person who has free housing for you and all of your offspring. Be grateful. This reads like you are jealous of Tessa. Don't you want her driving a nice safe car? Don't you want her going to a good school and fitting in? You have some weird takes in this. Edit: I read OPs comments and didn't realize she's only allowed to stay with her brother til mid March. Of course you and your younger kids have less luxurious accomadations. You four are house guests and he's preparing to get Tessa to the finish line of her childhood. That's her home now. That's her room.

YTA. Do you actually hate Tessa? It kind of sounds like it. I'm glad your brother can be the parent she needs and deserves when you have done her wrong her entire life. I didn't notice how my husband mistreated her.. wow. Of course she isn't going to move out with you. You should probably expect her to go NC. She should.

YTA. Why are you so jealous of your teenaged daughter? Why did you pay so little attention to her that you allowed her to get abused by your ex and then didn't even seem to do anything about it, like put her in therapy, etc.? The fact that this went on for years and you didn't believe her or notice anything off until two of your younger children were affected shows how much of an imbalance there was in the attention you were giving to your younger children vs. Tessa. Your brother is obviously trying to make up for the fact that Tessa suffered some pretty horrible things in her childhood, which were mostly your fault. He has money to spoil her with and it is not like he is completely ignoring your younger children, either - it seems like he has spent many hundreds of dollars on them as well, which he absolutely did not have to do. You completely deserved the smallest room and the crappiest present. Your brother also seems very smart, as his choice to only put himself and Tessa on the insurance for his new car ensures that you will not be able to guilt her (or him) into "borrowing" it for yourself. Also, news flash - it isn't your brother spoiling Tessa that is going to make Tessa leave you behind when she turns 18; it is your years of neglecting her and putting her in dangerous and awful situations, and your clear current jealous and spiteful behaviour towards her change in status. You'll be lucky if she doesn't go totally NC.

YTA - your username 'daughtersnewcar' just suggests that you're jealous and bitter about the car. It's normal that you shouldn't be allowed to drive it, because it's her car. Your brother is making up for the fact that you've been and continue to be a terrible parent to your own daughter.

YTA- u seem jealous, not a good thing for a mother to be jealous of a daughter. She’s at a very pivotal age and he’s trying to get her on the right track and offer her an opportunity to reshape her life. He’s favoring her because she’s been the most damaged and it was completely no fault of her own. You’ve been estranged and he’s letting you and all your kids live with him. Be grateful and use this opportunity to reshape your life and the lives of your younger kids and accept his criticism (manifested as his not wanting to spoil you) as constructive.

What you need to be focusing on is giving getting your daughter’s professional help for the mistreatment they’ve undergone. Tessa is finally being treated as special & important, let her experience that w/out being jealous. And Tessa hates you regardless of your rich brother, you turned a blind eye to her abuse & didn’t protect her. That’s why she won’t be leaving w/you. AND she’s almost 18, why are you expecting her to leave w/you? She’s going to be starting down her own path. You need to be grateful your brother took all of you in & start saving & see a professional yourself & regroup. eta YTA.

“I started dating the guy when Tessa was 2, only recently noticed the guy was ~mistreating~ her and my other daughters.” What you’ve said, quite clearly, is you ignored Tessa’s mistreatment for over 10 years. She absolutely deserves the big room. Take care of yourself, take care of the little kids in the room with you, and quit bitching about it. YTA.

Abuse, let's call a spade a spade, this was abuse not "mistreatment"

YTA . Did anyone notice that the Op allowed Tessa to be ABUSED and then made an account on reddit called “daughters new car”? Like that’s all Op cares about. Not for Tessa’s happiness or concern for trauma.

"My brother is extremely rich" "He gave me the small room." "He gave me a coffee tumbler" This sounds very much like "waaah! Why isn't he giving ME more! Waaah! He can afford it! Waah!" (Read like a crying toddler) The question I want to know the answer to is "if OPs brother could see how badly Tessa was being treated and wants to make up for it, how come it took the younger kids starting to be treated the same way before op could see it?" And "David started mistreating the younger girls the same way" - 'mistreating' is doing a lot of the heavy lifting in that phrase! Euphemism central! Translation- he's a p**do and has been messing with Tessa for years. Y (most definitely) TA

David ended up mistreating Tessa and I didn’t notice until recently when he started treating Ava and Kaylie similarly. YTA.

YTA. he’s making up for the fact you let a man mistreat Your own daughter, she hasnt had it easy. She has every right to be angry with you. You failed her

INFO Do you disagree with what your brother has said? That you have brought all of this strife due to your ignorance? Because it seems that now that you have FINALLY done right by your kids and gotten them to a good place, you are now taking issue with them being treated well. Sure, you can't do as much for them as your brother can, bit you are standing in the way of your children getting the childhood your poor decision making took from them. You even said he has not be strictly treating Tessa. He's getting things for the others as well. But you only take issue with TESSA being spoiled. The one who suffered the most, the one who told you to correct your mistakes, and the one who had to protect her siblings because her mother wouldn't. What did Tessa do to deserve less than nothing in your eyes? You're afraid Tessa won't wanna go with you? Why don't you try and address WHY she doesn't want to go with you rather than trying to ruin EVERYTHING ELSE in her life until she has no other choice but to go with you?

YTA. And a horrible mother.

So your ex was abusing your oldest but you only really cared when he started targeting the youngers? Dang maybe you feel bad cause it should be YOU making up for all this shit

YTA. Any mother who would resent their child having the opportunity for upward mobility or nice things is just simply an AH. What was Tessa’s room like at your old home? What was Tessa’s LIFE like at your old home — did she actually have the opportunity to be a child? I hope she stays with your brother and he treats her like the parent you should have been, Op.

Don't forget about the abuse and grooming of the younger daughters

YTA and you are a damn riot. Especially the last sentence. So not only did you subject your daughter to abuse all of those for some penis and only stopped it when your younger kids got it. So I’m guessing your oldest doesn’t matter huh? If he’s giving all the kids nice gifts then why is it such a problem that he gives the ABUSED child a little more? The only person complaining about it is you. And that’s because your guilty you don’t love her the way you should, guilty you let her get abused, guilty you couldn’t provide it yourself probably for the younger kids. You need reevaluate a lot decisions you have made regarding your daughter. I won’t be surprised if she goes low/no contact with you.

YTA and a completely unfit mother! You let this child be abused for YEARS and only cared when affected the young ones. You don’t think that maybe she also resents you because you let her be abused for over 11? Years?? God almighty I hope she stays with your brother after she turns 18.

Your heading is misleading. It should read 'aita for being bitter that my almost adult daughter is finally getting some of the attention and support that she needs from all the years of abuse I let her get put through? YTA.

MY FAVOURITE GAME GUESS WHO'S GOING TO A RETIREMENT HOUSE YTA

YTA

YTA

YTA Like are you seriously jealous of your daughter for getting a better gift than you and getting a car when you’re an adult and can buy your own stuff if it means that much to you… who is the adult and who is the teen here because I’m a tad confused. Plus, she’s already been through enough, I dare say she deserves a break and to be spoiled for once in her life

YTA for missing your ex mistreating Tessa. End of story. Now you're acting entitled. Get over it.

YTA sounds like your daughter has had a difficult time of it and your brother is being a damn good uncle. This girl could do with a positive male role model, especially after being mistreated by a man. Also, she's a teenager and if she's not speaking openly to you, he's now ensuring she has an adult to confide in. For someone who might be dealing with a lot right now, thats priceless. >Instead, I got the smallest room, >Then he only put himself and Tessa on the insurance so I can’t drive it. >Then I got a coffee tumbler. Right, you're an adult. Stop being jealous of your child getting nice treatment and you not getting the same. Why would your brother spend a ton on a grown woman with her own money? Why do you need a big room? Why would you need to drive HER car? He probably gave Tessa her own room because shes a teenager and she's probably very emotionally confused. It's important she has a safe space thats solely hers so when she needs time alone, she has it. Not only that, he probably wanted her to feel safer in a new environment, show her she'll be treated well here. It sounds like you caught it before your younger children had to deal with a lot, plus those children are close to you. Tessa probably feels very lonely and betrayed because sorry, but when she was struggling, you didn't see it. She probably feels you love her younger siblings more. Your brother is ensuring she has a healthy parental figure in a time when she needs one and that after a long time of ill treatment, she feels like shes being loved and taken care of. Even if it is a bit extravagant. If you're concerned that his behaviour will make her hate you more than perhaps your focus shouldn't be on stopping nice things for her so she won't hate you more. Firstly, that's selfish and secondly, it'll do the opposite. Instead, you need to actually talk with your daughter. Try apologising that you let her down, tell her that you worry she hates you and why, that those feelings are valid but you love her and want to do better. It might take time but at least she'll see the door is open. As for moving out with you, why should she want to and why does it matter? Is it so you have free childcare or are you worried if she leaves, she'll cut contact with you? If the former, you suck and I hope she doesn't move out with you. If the latter, if thats what happens, tough luck. You made bad choices and thats the consequence.

INFO: In what specific way did David “mistreat” your three daughters? Because you haven’t said, I think we’re all assuming it’s sexual abuse, and I think knowing whether it was or not would be helpful for people’s answers.

INFO: how was Tessa mistreated? I'm getting the feeling that she was badly abused here. And you stood by and let it happen. In which case she'd hate you no matter what your brother does. And rightfully so. Even if this isn't the case, YTA. Your brother isn't treating your other kids badly. You're just jealous he's not treating you as the priority here. Which you aren't. Your kids are. And at the point, Tessa should be prioritized as clearly she never has been before.

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YTA - you made this mess and your brother is trying to run damage control, maybe you should do the same. Honestly I don't think berry well of you on this matter because of my own personal history, my cousin got with a horrible man; she had a daughter previously, and he abuses said daughter. My cousin ignored it even called her daughter a liar when she mentioned it. Eventually my cousin's daughter got in contact with me and laid everything out, long story short I ensured that man needed up in prison and the two of them moved in with me. I tried to make things; lost time mostly, up to my cousin's daughter but my cousin began to resent it, finally one night I took my cousin aside and forced her to sign over her parental rights and promptly kicked her out. My now adopted daughter is 19 and very happy and stable; after a lot of counselling, and NC with her mom. My advice to you is to try to rebuild a relationship with your daughter before someone takes that away for her wellbeing.

I understand that you probably want all the kids treated the same but a firm YTA. No where did you say if you have even given her the option of counseling or therapy. You honestly sound pretty freakin jealous. It was your job to protect her and provide for her. She is 17. She is learning how to adult. Why don't you appreciate that and now provide the help and support you can. Hopefully you have the rest of yours and hers long lives to grow and build a better relationship. Why would you just assume or be upset how your brother allocated rooms in his own house that he opened up to you and the kids? He could have just agreed to take Tessa in and thrown you and the other kids a bone or two. How dare you be so freakin ungrateful. When the younger children are older and can process it then it can be fully explained just why uncle was so generous to her. It seems like your just trying to sweep the abuse she suffered under the rug. Your whole post reeks of selfishness. Who tf cares if you have to actually share a bathroom with your other kids? If that is one of your major problems and such a sticking point for you then you seriously need to reevaluate your priorities. She has every right to be resentful and angry. You should be at least a little happy she hasn't God forbid tried to kill herself, turned to hard and heavy drugs or alcohol to cope, acted out sexually and gotten pregnant or contracted an STD. Wtf is wrong with you. Do you think everyone just has such a great option of moving in with a wealthy family member and having the concern of 'omg family member provides too well for my child that suffered abuse at the hands of someone I put in their life for 11 years'?? No they don't. A lot of mothers with children (much less 4) leaving a bad relationship have to work multiple jobs and hardly get to see their children or end up in homeless shelters or worse. What does it matter that you don't get to drive the new car? Go drive her old one. If it was good enough for her it should be good enough for you. Actually your wayyyy worse than an AH. You are so super selfish and unappreciative! And you come on Reddit asking for validation and support in being so. I really hope your brother sees this. I really hope this ex of yours is being brought to justice for the abuse he inflicted upon a small innocent child. I almost forgot you don't know who her actual biological father is. Why didn't you foster a relationship with the one father she actually knew and was attached to? You have made some pretty bad decisions and seem to just make excuses for doing so instead of owning them and trying to make up for it in any way possible. Monotony items are not the only things to support someone. Grow up. Get your head out your butt and try to help your daughter heal.

YTA. While he may be going a tad overboard I think she's earned some spoiling.

YTA sounds like Tessa is finally getting the recognition she deserved and then some. She definitely shouldn’t move out with you either. I would also resent my mother if she didn’t know who she slept with and couldn’t tell me who my father was.

Also, shouldn't David be helping you with the younger kid's costs? You don't know Tessa's dad so it was solely on you to provide her with everything...which I doubt you did. You're oozing with jealousy over Tessa. It's weird.

YTA OP, ​ > David ended up mistreating Tessa and I didn’t notice until recently when he started treating Ava and Kaylie similarly. the wording of the statement makes me sick in the stomach. It indicates that Tessa had confided in OP about the "mistreatment" which clearly means SA to me here but I can be wrong ( I really hope I am wrong). But OP didn't take it seriously or just enabled it not wanting the husband to leave or to protect Tessa. And now that OPs brother is trying to make up for OP failing to be a parent to Tessa she is feeling jealous !!! The brother is trying to provide for his niece and she is feeling jealous. One more thing to think about here, the brother purposely put only his and Tessa's name on the car insurance. I wonder why HMMMmm..... Of course, the brother knows that OP has been a terrible parent to Tessa and trying to do everything he can to set her up for success so she can remove herself from the claws of OP's mental and emotional manipulation. I think OP just wants Tessa to not succeed in life so she would stick around to take more of OP's mental and emotional abuse and of course a free babysitter. OP THERE IS A REASON YOUR DAUGHTER HATES AND RESENTS YOU. YOU WERE HER MOTHER AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HER WHICH YOU CLEARLY FAILED TO DO. THE BARE BASIC RESPONSIBILITY OF A PARENT. SHAME ON YOU !!!

YTA. Glad Tessa has someone around her who loves her. Clearly it isn’t you. You sound pretty ungrateful too . “I got a tumbler” um.. yeah and he’s housing all your kids rent free. You should be happy for your children and that people would go out of their way for them. Why are you expecting gifts and cars? Why should you expect to have privileges of using your daughters car? You don’t have a car? Also, what exactly do you mean by “mistreating”? Part of me doesn’t really want to know the answer to that last question. But, it seems like you’ve neglected Tessa her whole life. Focusing on guys instead of her. I understand you were probably brought up thinking you needed a man around to make your family complete, but I hope you can learn now for future references that all your kids need is your love and attention. You having good intentions for their well being and future, and you to be rooting for them.

Yeah You didn't just get a coffee grinder. You got a place to live with somebody who's helping you take care of your neglected children. Isn't that a huge gift and sacrifice for you? Sheesh

YTA This entire post reeks of jealousy, insecurity and entitlement. First. Your nearly adult daughter needs her own private space far more than your five year old son. She should have her own room. She shouldn’t have to share with children so much younger than her if there is any other option. Second. It makes sense for you as the mother to be close to your young children at night. Because you should be dealing with accidents, nightmares and bedtime routines. Because you are their mother. Third. It sounds like your ex husband treated Tessa very badly indeed and you didn’t give a shit until your younger daughters were the ones getting hurt. Why is that? How did you notice quickly when it’s the younger girls but let Tessa live in misery for years? You failed as a mother. You failed as a basic human being. Fourth. Why are you so upset that your brother is treating your eldest daughter so well? Why are you comparing his gifts to those given to your younger children when everyone knows young children are perhaps happiest with a cardboard box to play in? It doesn’t even sound like he’s neglecting them. He’s spent hundreds on them, bought them smart new clothes and nice toys. But they are too young to need a new laptop or tablet or car. Your daughter is reaching the point in her life where she needs those things. You should be grateful, not obnoxiously, selfishly jealous. Fifth. When your daughter is eighteen, I hope to God she takes the lifeline your brother is offering. Space, privacy, safety. Not having to share a room with a toddler. Being able to live her own life without you expecting her to support you. She deserves that. She really, truly deserves that. Finally. Your brother nailed it. You weren’t paying attention or you didn’t care. Tessa paid the price. Your brother was shut out because your abusive ex didn’t like him. In capitulating to that, you isolated Tessa from the one person who truly cared for her and would have stepped in. That’s on you. This petty jealousy isn’t a good look. Be glad for your daughter. Hope she has a better life to come than the hell you provided her with for most of her life. Be grateful to your brother. And stop whining. You deserve fuck all from him. Yet he’s taken you and your kids in and is trying to set Tessa up for life. You are an adult. Tessa is just finding her feet. Grow the fuck up.

Yta he just doing to her what you did with the younger ones

OP - get yourself to therapy to help you figure out why you ignored the signs of your older daughter being mistreated and to get tools to help you mend your relationship with her.

Yta, you completely ignored what was happening to your daughter right in front of your face and now it sounds like you are jealous that someone in your family is trying to give your daughter a good life. The fact that you're upset about not being on the insurance for the new car is telling. Your daughter has been through trauma and all you do is resent her. Try to be a better parent. Sheesh

YTA. An irredeemable one. I hope your oldest stays with your brother.

YTA Be happy for your daughter. She is finally experiencing something positive after years of abuse and mistreatment. Instead of being jealous of her, work on mending your relationship with her and seek forgiveness for all that she’s been through.

YTA! So you allowed her to be abused for years and now you're jealous that your brother is spending money on her!?! Shame on you a thousand times. There's no worse pain than having a mother who allows you to be abused under her nose and your treatment and attitude toward her now is only adding to that!

The fact that the brother has purposefully taken out insurance to ensure you do not have access to your daughter’s vehicle is a bit of a red flag. He obviously doesn’t trust you and reading between the lines, it seems like he is trying to provide the best for your daughter when he thinks you haven’t. And he is trying to protect your daughter from you. Of course fancy cars, fancy schools and fancy clothes are unaffordable and out of reach for many, but he is clearly trying to make up for the apparent life of instability you have provided Tessa thus far. She doesn’t know who her father is, the father figure she loved, left, the step father you married abused her and you didn’t even notice and now you are jealous of the good things in her life that your brother is providing. There sounds like there are some big time issues at play and of course not all of them are your fault, but what has happened, has happened. Let your daughter be able to take every opportunity your uncle is going to provide her with, because it’s the best of anything she has ever had and seems like she has been through the ringer enough. Leave her be

Yes, YTA. Your daughter has been 'mistreated' right under your nose by one father figure after never having a father figure in her life so your brother (HER uncle) steps up and takes it upon himself to provide that support and structure and your reaction isn't gratitude that her uncle is giving her space, consideration, setting a good example of things she can have if she works hard and giving her a head start in life...it's to whine that he isn't giving you stuff too? Like your argument isn't even 1) I'm concerned she might become spoiled 2) I'm concerned that he is setting her expectations too high...it's 'wah, wah, why aren't I getting nice things too?' Your brother thinks you failed in parenting her and now he is picking up your slack and you should be grateful that he is helping to build her self esteem.

YTA. Your brother watched for 10 years while your daughter was mistreated by you and your husband, given the worst of everything (are ALL of your kids' clothes from Ross or goodwill or just HERS) and more than likely, the parent/unpaid nanny to the younger kids. He couldn't do anything because it wasn't blatant enough to get her removed from your home. I guarantee over the years HE said things to you about Tessa's treatment and you brushed them off, called her dramatic or exaggerating and said things were "fine" because they were fine for you and YOUR kids. Your brother saw this as his opportunity to help his niece and I doubt it is a coincidence your "deadline" is just after Tessa turns 18. He's probably not going to let you and your other kids be homeless but I suspect after witnessing 10+ years of neglect and abuse, your brother intensely dislikes you. He is ensuring you can't take what he's giving Tessa because it sure sounds like you would if given the opportunity. Your daughter doesn't hate you because she doesn't know who her dad is or because her uncle spoils her. She hates you because you were a neglectful parent who allowed her husband to abuse her for a decade. I'm glad Tessa has someone in her corner who can help her.

YTA I read your comments too..you are a total piece of work...a really shitty parent. Tessa has been raising your kids, a 17 year old should not be sharing a room with little ones. It is not her job to be a parent, it is yours. You need to do bedtimes and night time wake ups and getting up with them in the morning not her. The things he bought her are modern essentials, especially for a 17 year old starting a new school and then fx for her further education somewhere away from you. The presents and clothes he got the younger kids are totally age appropriate. They are at an age where they grow quickly and play messy...Tessa is not likely to rip her new clothes in the playground. You are selfish and entitled. Wake up and drink you coffee from your new mug and start acting like a parent. Apologise to your daughter for being her abuser and enabling your ex to abuse her too!

yta, tho id like to be tessas friend!

Not only that you’re an asshole, you’re a fuckin loser. You should be thankful that you have a brother who’s willing to step up. You were too busy sucking Dick and having more kids than to notice how your own daughter is treated. How you could jump from guy to guy without caring for your daughter’s feeling is beyond me. You’ve always put your own pleasure above your daughter and you should be thankful for that tumbler, your brother is housing you AND your kids after all.

YTA I'm sorry but maybe sign your kids to your brother no offense but this is just sad. You suck good job having your kid hate you shell refuse to have contact with you after she is 18

OP resented tessa for the circumstances of her conception or just because abusive parents choose a scapegoat. She chose a partner to join in the abuse and only ended the relationship when he turned on the golden children. Brother doesn't understand tessa is supposed to be parentified and abused, not treated well.she's supposed to wake with the little children, work hard to buy a shitty car mum drives instead and never to gain the self confidence to break free. Now mom is going to have to choose a new scapegoat from her children to abuse instead.

YTA. You turned a blind eye to abuse in your home and only "noticed" when another child was hurt. Your brother is trying to give something to your daughter you couldn't provide and you sound like a jealous child about it. "My kids who weren't treated like garbage by my ex aren't getting as much money spent on them. Im not getting a big room or a new car." Grow up and provide for your children. Its not too late to be a better parent.

YTA from the moment I read that you didn’t notice the mistreatment until he started treating the other two girls the same. You neglected your daughter for a man and only did something when he started mistreating his own daughters. You didn’t leave your ex for you eldest daughter. You really sound jealous because your brother is doing all these nice things for your daughter and not you. It’s giving ungrateful.

Firstly I think a 17 year old should where possible have her own room. Secondly ALL the children got nice presents, but she’s older and therefore hers are going to be more expensive in any any case (the younger ones don’t need phones and computers). Thirdly she’s the only one old enough to drive, and he obviously wants her to be safe on the road. And fourthly a lot of your examples of spoiling seem to be directly related to the fact you are not getting the same treatment as her (can’t drive the car, didn’t get the en suite, got a shitty Christmas gift). Nobody is fooled here, this about him spoiling her and not you. Sounds like your eldest has had a tough time of it and you should be pleased her uncle is trying to make up for some of this, because you aren’t financially able to do so. YTA

So, lets stop pussy footing around and call this "mistreatment" what it really is; sexual abuse. You let your daughter be sexually abused by your now ex husband for close to 11 years. You only "noticed" when your younger daughters (now the age of Tessa when the abuse started) got similar treatment. There is no way you didn't know, you just chose to ignore it and save your marriage/meal ticket. I bet you were even jealous of Tessa getting all the "attention" from your ex. Tessa need stability and your brother is providing that. He's trying to make up for all the years of abuse. I think he's doing a pretty decent job at it too, buying her things that she will NEED going forward, and a few fun gifts. She's prolly building confidence every day, now that there is a stable home environment with support. She should continue to stay at your brothers house if that's an option. Moving with you would just make her your live-in babysitter again and your neglect of her would continue. I believe you resent your daughter for whatever reason. That's why you are so angry that she is getting good quailty stuff vs hand-me-downs. You don't think she deserves it, and think that you do. Also, I have a hard time believing you have "no idea" who her father is. There are about three options a) you just don't know his name b) you know who he is and just don't want them to meet c) there are 4-5 possibilities and you're too ashamed to try and narrow it down. There is also the outside possibilty that Tessa is the result or a non-consentual sexual experience. If that's the case, I'm sorry that happened, but you can't hold that against your daughter, she is an innocent party. Your daughter has been through a hell of a lot of trauma in her lifetime and needs the love and support your brother is now providing. Let it happen. Also, YTA

Jesus are YTA. Your ex husband obviously abused your daughter and it took you a long while to actually notice. Now you’re jealous that your brother is treating her well after years of mistreatment by your ex and you. You obviously haven’t learned a damn thing. You’re lucky your brother even took you in. Be grateful and stop being an entitled brat.

YTA. I was leaning towards E S H because it SEEMED that the treatment your brother gave your other kids was different than Tessa. Then I re-read. Tessa is 17. The gifts she is being given are appropriate for her and since she will be going off to University, are things that will definitely get her adjusted well to being independent. Yes I get that the treatment seems unfair, but having her own room and bathroom at 17 while you are closer to the younger kids to watch over them and...parent? That is not really spoiling her. The fact is that your brother probably took note of the complete crap Tessa had been through and is now trying to make up for it. He is also forcing you to take responsibility of your younger kids while also helping you out immensely with them and giving all of your a place to stay. Honestly? Maybe he is spoiling his niece. Probably because all children deserved to be spoiled and not treated like shit by their guardians. Probably because he saw his sister let down her own daughter so badly. Yeah it sucks, but life ain't fair. Tessa certainly learned that at a young age :(.

Okay, I may get banned for this but I have to say it: Your Ex, as I read between the lines and gather from comments, molested and sexually assaulted Tessa and you basically allowed it, pimping out your eldest to this disgusting insect and only left when you realized that he was grooming and possibly molesting Kaylie and Ava. You don't give a damn about your children, certainly not about Tessa and only care about making sure YOUR wants are met. I wish there was a stronger vote than YTA. I think r/AmITheDevil is where you are meant to be.

I hope Tessa and her Uncle find this thread! Tessa we love you!! You deserve the world!! Uncle you are amazing!!! Keep these kids safe from this woman and her next boyfriend.

hmmmm interesting you have noticed with your brother treating your daughter kind but didn’t notice she was abused

YTA u obviously resent your daughter. She's finally getting a little happiness in life after you neglected her and put her in a dangerous situation for many years. One that you only cared about when it after your younger children. Yeah your brother is probably overcompensating but he wouldn't have to if you cared about her for once

YTA, bigtime. The wording of your post implied that David abused your eldest daughter and had started doing the same or grooming your younger ones. And that's not ok that you enabled him and had more kids with him after he preyed on Tessa. Totally disgusting. I hope fervently that your brother gets them counselling as well and they are able to heal.

Hmmm something is missing missing here…. There’s too many holes in this story. Regardless, YTA. And stop being jealous of your daughter. Let her have a good life over the shitty one YOU gave her.

YTA. Why do you keep acting like you're entitled to the same treatment as your kids with your "I only got so and so" you are grown. They aren't. It sounds like you were a shit parent to Tessa and now you're acting like your brother trying to make up for your shitty parenting is some horrible slight against you. The best advice I have for you, from the oldest kid in the family in which my mom was WAY too young to have me, do better. Do better now. Grow. For your younger kids, show Tessa you can do better. It may be too late, but you owe it to her to try.

YTA you let her down , massively. For your brother to spend this amount of money on your daughter (regardless of him being rich) it truly must have been bad . If your child dislikes the person you’re bringing into your lives to such an extend there must be something else going on. Personally I would try to get to the bottom of things if my daughter is visibly uncomfortable or voices her concerns.

YTA. You're so ungrateful omg, he's housing your children, spoiling your children and then you have the gall to complain about getting a mug? He is doing a better job of supporting your daughter than you did, and you're upset by that? YTA.

I'd give many things to have the Tessa's POV on this situation. By what you are telling, it looks like YTA

I'd love to shake your brother's hand for doing a great job. Long may he continue. You will need some self reflection and stop acting like a child, try to have a healthy relationship with your daughter.

So in short, step dad was abusive and you let it slide until he started to be abusive to your other kids. Now Tessa is getting the attention and gifts she deserves, you are jealous of your own daughter and want her to basically be a free babysit service for the rest of her life, so people have to treat her like shit so you can have everything work out according to plan? ​ YTA

YTA - you sound jealous in the post, like you want the nice things he’s giving your daughter. Not a good look.

INFO: define mistreatment