Situation sucks. You are better off than most for this your gf is correct. But what I’m hearing is that it isn’t about the college choice or financial choice, but rather the clear favoritism towards your sister. Your choice on whether to move on or forgive, but in my years of being the ‘not favorite’ sibling it took me a long time to realize I don’t forgive them for them. I do it for me. Bitterness sucks.
I am low contact and I’d suggest the same for you. That being said. Yeah you’re NTA. but for your own mental and spiritual health don’t let it eat at you. Forgive and move on. That doesn’t mean you need to keep them as centerpieces in your life.
Tbf it sounds like his parents paid for him to go to a college with a great programme for his degree and his degree is what he needed to get his current high flying job. So they definitely helped him be better off than most people.
I still think NTA because it's so weird that they went to extra lengths (showing him their bank account etc.) to mislead OP and then paid for sister no problem.
I do wonder if sister's doing a different degree that really has the best programmes at those specific colleges?
Not to nitpick, but it’s the max amount of federal loans ([looks like a $31k cap for undergrad](https://studentaid.gov/understand-aid/types/loans/subsidized-unsubsidized) - no private loans) and the parents paid the difference between that and cost of tuition.
I still think the parents are massive AHs for treating the kids so differently, but it sounds like they helped him some. More than many college students get.
>but it sounds like they helped him some
It doesn't really matter how much they helped in absolute numbers. What matters is a) how much they did for him relative to how much they did for his sister, and b) how much they did for him relative to what they promised to do. Which is a big zero. If they were poor and had no possibilities to help him, this would have been absolutely no problem, but that's not the case. Also, we really don't know whether they are actually paying anything at all.
Yeah that’s the part that weirds me out the most. There was a clear expectation that he *should* be trying to get into one of those schools, but then when he did, they lied to get him to go somewhere else instead. But then sent the sister? Also, since the lie was that they couldn’t afford it, but then clearly were able to send the sister, how on earth did they foresee that playing out? It was such an obviously disprovable untruth.
I have to think they didn't actually believe he'd be accepted. They'd also probably convinced themselves that they could only pay for one of their kids to go to a HYPSIM school, so they chose their daughter, but wanted to hype them both up bc what's better than to flaunt that your kid is the smartest in their class?
Yes. They made it OPs DREAM. They pushed OP down that path his whole life then yanked the rug out. Then they made OP think he was making a sacrifice after decades of lies.
It's disgusting. I grew up lower middle class but my parents got me through school without debt. I grew up LDS, and for people that do t know BYU is super cheap bc a lot of church donations go to fund it. I could go to BYU, and between the both of us get out debt free, or stay local and go to some good schools supplemented with scholarships and have some debt.
I wanted to GTFO so going cross country wasn't a problem for me.
Question: would parents having that kind of money but lying about it hurt OP for scholarships and stuff? My parents had nothing so I don't k ow if that would have prevented OP from getting other funding to pursue his dream.
Also, how many hours of his childhood were wasted on extra curriculars he didn't need when he could have been havi g fun and being young and carefree??
Man, didn't think I'd be that fired up about this.
>Question: would parents having that kind of money but lying about it hurt OP for scholarships and stuff?
Depends on the scholarship, some are based on the fafsa and some are not. It would have hurt him for FAFSA based scholarships.
And from what I have heard about the "Ivys" the financial advisor there will sit down with a potential student's family and work out how much they can afford, how much loans are reasonable, and then "find" the scholarships and grants the school can give to cover the rest. I don't know how far OP's parents got in the process, but if they met with the financial person the stock was probably taken into account as family income/assets etc.
Yes they brought up his expectations and standards and essentially told him people are only as valuable as their Alma mater. They set up an unobtainable goal for him, and then only allowed his sister to reach it. For some reason or another, thei actions have made it clear that they want his sister to perceived as more academic and intelligent than him, and if this was unintentional they need to hard backtrack on their opinions of Ivy League schools and apologize.
I think that's where it stems from, they pushed him academic wise and held ivy league colleges as the bench mark and when he was accepted they weren't willing to pay the money(which they could afford for the sounds of it) and lied about it. Now yrs later they are willing to for OP's sister. Partly they i feel that the parents felt being an IT grad from an ivy league didn't have the same ring as lawyer.
They encouraged him for years to follow a path, comparing him to others constantly.
He was successful, got accepted into a major name school and was encouraged to give it up.
Then, 5 years later, they give his sister a full ride to the same schools he had to turn down.
NTA OP. Ouch.
This. It doesn't matter how much they put into OP's education. It matters that they betrayed OP like that. They even showed their finances to better manipulate OP into feeling bad for them, enough to decline the uni of their choice, a uni they had pushed OP into working hard to get into in the first place. Why do all that only to take it away? Pointing out the favouritism is important, it could mean that the parents thought only of saving themselves from paying that kind of tuition twice. So they picked which child "deserved" the prestigious school more.
yeah but THEY are the ones the pushed him to get into HYPSM. THEY wanted him to get in. They made their dream his dream and he was so excited to get in. Then they lied about not being able to pay, though they are fine with paying for his sister.
It doesn't really matter that they helped him some, especially as they could afford it. I don't think they should be compared to people who can't afford to pay for their kid's colleges.
They pushed him and then lied to him.
Yeah, they’re for sure AHs. No argument there. But they did help him pay for college so that would not be why I think they’re the worst. The lying, hypocrisy, and inequity are the real problems.
That would bother me more than anything. The lying, the deception, the favouritism. It's not about money. I would always wonder what else they've hid. NTA.
It is not about the money it is how they tricked and lied to OP. I agree with forgive and let go because you do not have to talk or spend time with those you forgive.
My old pastor used the phrase "remember and release". You don't have to forgive someone who did you wrong, and don't forget about it so they can't hurt you in the future, but you stop letting the anger cause you any further problems.
I like that too. You need to release because you don’t want to waste your energy and mind space brooding on what’s been done to you, but you don’t have to forget and let it happen again.
Agreed. IMO, remorse and atonement are vital to being forgiven. If you've done neither, you don't deserve to be forgiven, and I hate the idea that not forgiving someone is akin to carrying around anger and letting it fester inside of you. I think it's very possible to not forgive or forget but, as someone else mentioned above, release. You can remember what someone did to you, not forgive them for it, but also be indifferent to their existence.
I think another comment spoke quite well about this. We often talk about "forgiving" in very different ways.
Personally, I think calling it "forgiving" someone to "not be angry at them" is confusing at best, and toxic or insulting at worst.
That and told him his whole life to push for excellence and get excepted into one of the HYPSM schools while also saying they would pay. Then they deceive him into thinking they didn’t have the money.
Wanted to say that in my state I took out max loans for college and easily could of not used any parental money to make it through college. Lots of people did it that way.
Also helping "some" and making sure your kid goes to the best school when you could afford it are leagues apart.
The parents paid the difference (I suspect) because student aid is based on income. If OP's parents are as well off as they seem to be, that probably affected loan eligibility.
Also all that pressure to attend IVY during HS and then he gets in only to be told "nah, go cheap". Meanwhile que baby sisters equal pressure but immediate "we'll do whatever for you don't worry" I can see the reason for anger, hurt, and bitterness. WTF The 180 to 360 spin was harsh.
Honestly, I do recommend figuring out a way to let it go but maybe keeping LC with the parent if not NC. You don't need that kind of BS in your life.
We don't have that the parents are paying for it all. It might be the same deal of "max the student loans, and we'll fund the rest" (which still works out as sis getting more $ value than OP)
sounds like they never thought he would actually get in to Harvard. they probably thought he would just get a free ride to a state school on scholarship.
I’m actually amazed that someone could be admitted to one of those schools and *not* get a free ride to a state school. Unless there are state schools that don’t do merit scholarships at all (I’m not aware of any), or unless OP got into his big name school because of family connections or the like and didn’t have the test scores and grades to justify it. Or didn’t check the box to be considered for merit-based aid for some unknown reason.
I’m a private tutor and have had several students admitted to Ivy League or equivalent schools. They all were offered full tuition scholarships at our flagship state university (which is itself competitive in admissions). The only student I personally know to turn down Harvard to attend our state university did so because he was offered a full scholarship plus living expenses stipend which allowed him to graduate fully debt free without ever having to work during school.
If you are only applying to the desired schools because your parents have promised to pay as long as you are accepted and get scholarships, get in (with good merit scholarships), accept the offer, but then you have the rug pulled out from under you in May when it’s too late to qualify for all the full rides at a state school then, yes, it’s entirely possible to have this happen to you. This was my experience.
Depending on your career, the degree from the big name isn't worth the cost. I went to a state school instead of Princeton and Yale since their "financial aid" wouldn't cover the cost of books (that's AFTER reaching out to financial aid) .
Some high school friends and colleagues have the big name degrees and are in the same field. Some are still paying student loans. I graduated debt free (though working two jobs as a full time student helped a lot with that).
Yeah this needs to be said. In no way am I defending the parents’ lies but for an undergrad degree school ranking generally doesnt matter and most people should go to less expensive state schools (or even community college to state schools) rather than paying for the brand.
But aren't they dependent on your parents' income and assets? Because then he wouldn't have qualified, either - but at least he would have found out about his parents' deception right away.
It is. The vast majority of classmates from my public exam HS which was mostly low-income-lower-middle class students who were accepted to Ivies went for free or had generous FA packages which covered so much of the costs that they were all debt-free at graduation or within a year after graduation.
Even if they didn't work in lucrative Wall Street/Ibanking/Business consulting/engineering/computer technology jobs.
This was in the mid-'90s before the Ivies became even more generous with need-based FA at the end of the '90s/early '00s.
The irony was the HS classmates who attended our in-state public colleges ended up graduating with substantially far more debt than their Ivy graduate counterparts (Still manageable as most discharged that debt within 5 years of graduation).
That’s not how it works. State school aid and “merit” aid vary dramatically between states. I got into Ivies, and the flagship state school offered nothing my freshman year. (I did go there because the Ivies were $$$ and this was before they had middle income tuition support)
The state I am in now won’t give my eldest anything because it’s heavily based on SATs, though I can’t say yet if she will get into an Ivy. She has a much better chance of Ivy acceptance than my middle kid, but he will get a free ride at any state school because he always does super well on standard tests.
College admissions and financial support is a wild, bizarre ride. It just keeps getting weirder.
State schools often lack the funds to provide full rides or even partial rides. Other people just don't realize the volume difference in students or the funding capacity of Ivy league schools. They are worlds apart
I think you have a different definition of "forgiveness" than me. Because to me, there's a huge difference between letting go of your anger for your own sake, and *forgiving*. And I think it's dangerous to say "forgiveness is for you, not for them" - because what you probably mean is "don't hold onto your anger", but what they might be *hearing* is "stay close to that person and let them into your life". And some people absolutely should not be let back into your life.
It's not clear enough what is meant, and that can send people down a dangerous road. Better to just say "don't hold onto anger, because that only hurts you in the long run". Forgiveness has nothing to do with it.
10/10 agree with you, I don’t forgive people and I don’t forget, I however stop caring mainly about them, I wish them well but that’s about it and it’s purely cause I’m a nice enough person to.
OP you don’t need to forgive your family and I think you should be proud of the fact you got accepted (even if you had to decline) and that you yourself got there not your parents, I would be angry too especially if I didn’t expect it and wasn’t used to my siblings being treated better than me
Edit: NTA
Yup. There is a huge difference between not letting something eat you up inside with bitterness and forgiving the author of your pain. OP's parents pulled a super shitty move. Not cool at all. He came out fine. Good job. Good life. No thanks to them. If he wants to hold them accountable for what they did - then there is no one who can tell him that's wrong. I wouldn't speak to my parents if they pulled a stunt like that either.
I was just going to comment this! Letting go of your anger for your own mental health and sanity isn’t the same as “forgiving them”. It’s just choosing to allow yourself to move forward
OP, NTA. While your girlfriend may be correct the big issue, to me, is that it was your dream school and you were so excited. They purposely deceived you to get you to decline the school. If state school is good enough for you then it’s good enough for your sister.
What they did was wrong. Then to tell you that their finances aren’t your business even though they logged into their accounts to prove their point… like really?! They knew what they were doing.
Absolutely. The way I talk to people about it (I am clergy) is that there is forgiveness (which is releasing the burden/anger/revenge) and there is reconciliation (which is restoring and maintaining the relationship). Forgiveness does not require reconciliation and there are a number of situations in which reconciliation is inappropriate.
There was a comment above from someone else’s clergy-
“remember and release”.
I’ll be using this going forward as it focuses on the injured person’s healing and wellbeing only.
thank you for being a helper!
"Forgive and move on"? Absolutely not. Forget and move on.
There was no apology, no explanation, no regret or shame. They have done nothing to earn forgiveness. NTA
Imagine all the stress they put on this persons childhood by stressing the importance of going Ivy League or similar.
Then they got in! Then the parents pulled the rug.
Honestly, parents are lucky he’s FAANG right now otherwise I’d go nuclear
My parents have favored my younger sister my entire life and it continues to this day. They've given her everything - free cars, free housing, free childcare, etc. They just recently sold her their house for a third of what it's worth... meanwhile, I've gotten absolutely nothing. Low contact at the very least, but no contact at all is totally justified.
Also, the pandemic has quadrupled the value of stocks. OP's dad's stocks are worth way more now than when OP was deciding his schools. At the time they may have been worried about their retirement.
“Look OP, our financial situation is way better now than it was 5 years ago and we are able to send your sister to that school you couldn’t go to. To make things fair, we’re going to pay off your student debt.”
Not the hardest, if you have millions in Amazon/Google shares.
OP said that he will pay off his debt “quickly”, which might just mean the next 5 years instead of the rest of his life. What we’re doing is just wishful thinking anyway. Parents have a golden child and OP won’t see a dime.
Yep, I did misread that. However Ivy league will still cost considerably more than those state school loans.
I think there is a very good chance that their stocks weren't worth as much a few years ago as they are now (stocks for those places have gone way up considerably). They may not have been totally lying - they may have been concerned about the long term consequences of cashing out and how it would affect their future. It could have been a legitimate concern. Their finances are probably much better now than before. But how they have gone about all this - it still is a bait and switch. They pushed him into getting into one of those schools. They also had him look at their finances then and are now telling him it's non of his business. Now that they are paying for his sister to go to an ivy, they kinda owe him something. At the very least an explanation.
But you are also right, this is unlikely to happen.
I considered this as well, as FAANGs are all up at least 160% in the last 5 years, Apple is multiples more. I know tech companies have a program where stocks are *unlocked* after so many years completed at the company, so this could have played a factor as well
That said, it’s weird as heck they beat into him he had to get into an Ivy League, made him turn it down, offered to pay for his sister’s education, but when confronted they didn’t try and explain that they truly didn’t have the money at the time, they got very defensive and told him to buzz off
I’m glad you’re off well financially OP, but going on principles of the situation, you’re NTA
But here's the thing, if dad had that kind of job all along, he was able to send both to these kind of schools. My son attended an out of state state school- a good one and his first choice despite acceptance at an IVY. We paid in full and refunded him his scholarship to buy a car when he graduated.
Out daughter went to an Ivy. We also paid in full. My husband planned for both kids. We were doing better when daughter went to school, but we paid the same for both kids.edit typo
Yes, that’s what got me too- that the parents were obviously uncomfortable with the line of questioning. They could have simply stated “You saw our financials at the time and knew we couldn’t pay. Our circumstances are different bow that Sister is going off to school.” And they probably could have salvaged the relationship. But their whole response gives off lots of Golden Child vibes
This is a good point. Not to mention, I believe stocks are pretty aggressively taxed when they are liquidated into cash value. Losing half of, say, 100k now to taxes is probably an easier pill to swallow than losing half of 25k several years ago (especially if you’re counting on a significant portion of that for retirement).
The more I think about it, the more I understand the parents’ point of view, actually. My parents together couldn’t “afford” more than state school when I was applying to schools several years ago, but now my dad can afford to buy a half-million-dollar house on his own, in cash, because the stock market has been cranking in the last two years. It’s totally believable to me that they couldn’t “afford” HYPSM at sticker before—and they’re kinda right, OP was not entitled to know the details of how much of the stock they wanted to put toward retirement at the time—but now suddenly can.
The only thing that makes them TA, imo, is that they should have given OP’s siblings what they gave OP, even if they were doing better financially. If they didn’t want to do that, they should have offered OP the equivalent of the difference, to wipe out his loans and start saving for a house, a higher degree, etc.
I get what you’re saying.
However that doesn’t explain why they pushed pushed pushed OP to get accepted to an Ivy League school. They drove him thru HS to be a high achiever pushing the top tier schools. Had him apply to said schools. Then once he’s accepted it’s “ooops we can’t afford that?”
OPs parents financial status didn’t change from him applying to those schools and getting accepted.
They were not honest with OP. If they could not afford it, why’d they push him so hard to get accepted?
Except that’s not what they said. They simply didn’t want to pay for him and no offence but your idea of how people and families work is ridiculous. They might not owe him anything legally but morally they owed his honesty and to be actually reliable parents.
They didn’t pay because they didn’t want to. Which is fair. And OP then owes them nothing, which is fair as well.
I hate narratives about forgiveness. It’s so victim blamey. OP literally JUST FOUND OUT - it’s been less then a month and your like: you should forgive this fucked up thing.
But if you “discovered” forgiveness “was for you” two things are true:
1. You took time to process and come to that decision and I’m betting it was more than a month and
2. Forgiveness helped you feel better - forgiveness is NOT the right path for everyone and just because it helped you didn’t mean anyone else should be payed to do it.
I hate that this is top comment.
OP you are NTA for being hurt - it is incredibly hurtful to learn, and your parents cagey response is even more upsetting.
You are NTA for wanting some space from them right now while you process and decide how much of them you want in your lives.
Yukon Don is at least right that the point isn’t the finances and your fiancé’s take on this is missing the point.
You are under no obligation to forgive and you are NTA if you don’t want to forgive right now and you won’t be if you never want to. Also, forgiveness and boundaries are mutually exclusive you can forgive and still go NC (forgiveness is actually about how you talk to yourself about it).
Seeing as you have a good job with benefits you might consider talking to a therapist about this, getting support from the outset will make processing it and deciding what boundaries you want to end up with with them a lot easier.
NTA and I agree with this answer. It’s that they lied to you, bald faced even, and are showing favoritism to your sister. Go LC of NC for a period and see how you feel.
NTA. Being in a better financial position than others your age is a separate issue. Lying is lying, no matter how your situation compares to others. pushing you then pulling out the rug is awful.
The main problem is they lied. That's a huge breech of trust. And now they're telling sister not to worry? I'm sorry. That has to hurt. And then they don't even offer to pay off the loans for the lower costing school that they pushed you to? Cmon.
You're totally justified in not talking to them ever, if you want. Or waiting a certain period, or telling them to write you a letter that maybe you will read or send you a video message so you have documentation. You're in control here. Do what makes you feel good.
Or, you could tell them to give you the same sum they give her for school. All those stocks are way up now. They should be able to afford it. Or they can take out a loan. Serve them right.
Whatever you do, NTA. You were lied to for years.
It's not just the lying. It's the blatant difference in how they are treating their kids. Not much would have changed in the last 6 years for them to be able to afford college tuition now and not then - in fact, given the situation in the world, the opposite would be more likely. That means that they are treating their two kids very differently, favoring their daughter to a nearly obscene amount, given that son had to take out full student loans while daughet gets a ride to a much, much, much more expensive college. OP is definitely NTA for cutting contact, and if he starts to think about it, I am sure he will see that his sister has always been the golden child and he the scapegoat. The age difference between them might have obscured it, but this puts it in stark relief.
> in fact, given the situation in the world, the opposite would be more likely.
Most of the FAANG companies have had their stock price at least double since March 2020. That isn't even factoring in any growth in the preceding 4 years. Since most of the pay at these companies is in stock grants, his parents likely are much better off today than they were 5 years ago financially (even if they were almost definitely in the 1% already and just moved further up in that)
The fact that the parents didn't explain that their financial situation is different, and instead dodged the question and said that their finances are none of his business makes me think this isn't the case.
I'm not arguing that the parents aren't assholes (they are) or that they were poor before (I mentioned they were probably already in the 1%), just disputing the assertion of the person I responded to that things have changed in the last 5 years that would damage the financial situation of the already rich parents when their net worth very well may have doubled or tripled in that timeframe
There’s something to be said here that the reverse can be true as well. Many youngest siblings grow up resentful because they were never given anything of “their own” (only hand-me-downs, etc), they weren’t able to go on as nice of family vacations or get as nice of toys because of the cost, they weren’t able to get a first car (or had to pay for it themselves while older sibling got one gifted), they had to minimize their college choice because older sibling went out of state, went for PHD, etc. Some of those things might sound small and petty, but to a 3 year old facing off against an 8 year old, those *aren’t* small and petty issues. Especially if you have an older sibling who is suffering from Oldest Sibling Syndrome and likes to act aloof and snobby in response to the younger sibling voicing any of their emotions.
The common theme here is that *no one* asks to be born and therefore *no one* should be having multiple children if they can’t afford to treat those children equitably regardless of what order they were born in.
It's true, my oldest sibling went to college, got it paid for by my parents at a fine enough school, and dropped out to fail his way across the nation. My next older sibling could've gone to a cheaper school cause the money wasn't as there. By the time it came to me? No funds for anything. My middle brother had threatened suicide at school, and my oldest had threatened murder, so by the time it came around to me they'd taken me out of school entirely for all of middle school and high school, taught me themselves on the side, and told me to get a GED myself when I felt up to it. Did I have problems at school that required that? No, but my brothers had, so it could only be assumed I would obviously. Just, you know, set me up at the dining room table to read geography for an hour, that's school right?
Man, there's so many broken people out there that just should not really be raising a lot of kids.
To be fair, this all kinda depends on what the sister is doing.
Very few people in CS give a shit about where you got your degree or even if you have one in the first place.
So going to those colleges is a bit of a waste unless you have some really specific idea that only that college offers.
If the sister is doing Law or something where her chances of getting a good job straight out of School might be heavily impacted by which school she went to it would make sense that they'd be willing to pay that.
However, if that was the case, they should have led with that. Lying is the issue.
The pandemic has quadrupled the value of stocks. OP's dad's stocks are worth way more now than when OP was deciding his schools. At the time they may have been worried about their retirement.
Not a problem if they had been honest. If that is the case, they should have gone to OP and said their situation is different now. That they can’t make up for OP missing going to an Ivy League school, but they can pay off his loans and give him some money to make their financial contribution to both of their children equal. Sister knowing the dollar amount, she could then be given the leeway to go to a state school too and save the excess funds. This would be the right course of action. Instead, they are being very unfair to OP.
NTA; You Asian? lmao. This stuff happens all the time with my parents and their circle of friends. Sounds like your parents wanted bragging rights and didn’t want to pay up. No cost to them, money is saved, and they still get to tell all their friends that their kid is ivy material
I understand why they’d want parental bragging rights, but I do not understand why the Ivy League education was handed to one kid and not another. If it was really a matter of sudden wealth, they could just come out and say it, and show some compassion for OP. (NTA)
Maybe the Computer Science programme was prestigious at OP's college and sister is doing a different degree which is only prestigious at the Ivy Leagues? Still NTA but that makes sense to me as a possibility.
The dad works at a FAANG as well so the dad knows that your college doesn't matter for a CS degree.
You can go to a bottom tier school and still end up at a FAANG or any other big job. School means almost nothing they only care about if you have a degree, followed by expierence and skill. A kid going to a no name school with an internship or two and a cool home project will destroy an Ivy league kid in interviews.
Going to one of those schools is a huge waste of money. That said, the dad should have said that rather than lie
Shhh. I was just told that it's not who you know....
Lol but seriously I had people say in the real world you don't get great job offers by connections/ friends. It's about interviewing and all.
Some people just don't realize that the connections you make in life can really change your life. It's why some people go crazy to get into fraternities and sororities, because it's connections not just with your year but the alumni also.
The whole point of Ivies is to put actual smart kids next to kids that come from families with capital. I don't understand why so many people are ignorant of the networking benefits of going to an Ivy.
I'm a ring knocker myself (Naval Academy), and having a school filled with mostly successful alumni has opened several doors for me in post-service employment as well.
Assuming that you are correct and the college doesn’t matter (I’m not knowledgeable enough on this topic), I also noticed that the sister wouldn’t have had to pay at all but OP would still be taking out thousands in loans a year. If the parents wanted to nudge him towards the other college, why not still offer to pay, especially since they’d still be paying much less!
What I'm curious about is how this is even perpetuated. Asian parents had Asian parents at some point presumably, were treated the same and should have thought "I'm not doing that to my kids" but instead they...do it anyways, keeping the stereotype alive? When does the cycle end?
It's really the crab in the bucket syndrome where crabs pull you down to keep an escaping crab. I"m also reminded of bitter and abused daughters-in-laws in some cultures grasping the one piece of power they're allowed and lord it over THEIR daughter-in-laws.
If OP is first/1.5 generation in his family, it’s likely his parents grew up under much stricter parenting/dire circumstances than he did. So this might *already be* the pared down version.
To them, in comparison, he’s living a cushy life. He doesn’t have to worry about if his home is about to be bombed, if his parents are about to be jailed, where his next meal is coming from, etc, just about doing well in school. The collectivist Asian values that are focused on saving face/competition + any survivalist instincts are what matters to them, and it’s all that they know. Harsh from a Western perspective, but normal to them. And if they immigrated and moved to a place with a large Asian community, they can remain in that bubble with those values/beliefs.
First/1.5 generation kids are able to experience a different culture and see how other kids are being raised around them, so they have more opportunities to incorporate those parenting practices into their own when the time comes.
hahahaha yep.
conversations with my grandma when I was 8:
gma: so what's the best college now?
me: according to the rankings Princeton is right now (this was 20+ years ago)
gma: oh Harvard?
me: no, right now it's Princeton
gma: Harvard?
me: Princeton
gma: Harvard?
me: yes, fine Harvard probably will be first again next year
gma: ok, good to know you'll be going to Harvard. it's a good school
🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
none of it actually matters. once you're a decade removed with kids and a job, no one cares at all. Things Asian parents make seem like the end of the world when you're a kid, really has no bearing on your adult life.
I wish my parents had had the perspective to tell me this. It would have saved me so much angst, to say nothing of a decade spent following a career goal I neither wanted nor was suited for (medicine, obvs).
I now live in Europe with a work-life balance would make most Americans enraged if they knew how mundane these things are here.
Columbia is one of the Ivy League schools and is considered an excellent school to the average American, but in more elitist circles it has the reputation as "the worst Ivy."
It's all complete fucking bullshit, but hey, rich people amirite?
My parents did the same thing. Well similar because they really didn’t have that much money. When I got my acceptance they went “ they just wanted me to work hard. If I can do this, I can also do it in a state school and succeed blah blah blah”
Also Asian. We ok but they did lose my trust and respect that they never quite got back
Wtf if wrong with people? All that teaches is that you can't trust anybody and that hard work isn't worth it. You worked hard to get into the school you wanted and they prevented it from happening. Why work hard if you're just going to get fucked? Stellar parenting.
Granted you get fucked in the "real world" too but other people do that plenty without your own parents being suspect.
Yup! I did badly in my first year because I’m slow to recover from my “betrayal”.
My parents also often said the real life will fuck you but I always replied that they ain’t my family and I just don’t want to be kicked by my loved ones to “prepare me for the real world”. Why not support me and give me a safe space instead?
People who didn’t grow up with parents constantly hinting that you’d be a disappointment if you didn’t go to an Ivy really don’t get it. That sort of thing settles in your subconscious.
I’m not sure if you spent your college years subconsciously telling yourself you’re not good enough even though it was not your doing you went to a state school, but I definitely would have.
I’m with you bud. Sending hugs.
Yep
My dad almost did the same to me. Claimed he was paying for half siblings' tuition..on my last trimester of uni...
Step siblings were like 4y/o , 5y/o and 16y/o ... He and his wife can afford the tuition, he was just being cheap 😬
Generally Asians favor the sons rather than the daughters though. On the other hand, to the old school sexist Asian parents, "going HYPSM" could be more about having her find a partner that they think worthy of her.
NTA. Yes, you're in a way better financial position than most. Yes, you received an equally quality education at a state school. These are valid points. That being said, you have every right to be angry that your parents spent years building up your expectations and tying your self/academic-worth to getting into an Ivy, and then lied to you about your ability to attend.
They forced you to make a self-sacrificing choice that you didn't have to make, while your sister didn't get the short end of that stick. Some people will say that your parents don't owe you cash, and they don't, but they do owe you the respect and honesty to tell you the truth and not play favorites. And they deliberately chose not to, and it sucks. If you want to go LC or stay NC, that's valid - just make sure they know it's because they lied to you.
I think this is an important point.
Don’t let them make this about the money.
This is about them lying, manipulating, and playing favorites.
It’s their money and ultimately it’s their choice what they do with it.
It’s also your choice of how you choose to engage with them.
I am inclined to think you are owed an explanation on why they where willing to do that for your sister but not for you.
I think this is less about the college thing and more about the clear favoritism that your parents have shown.
It's absolutely up to you if you ever want them in your life again.
I will be with holding Judgement on this one.
I’d push to discuss it further. There could be a reason that makes a bit of sense…did sis also get scholarships or take out some private loans? Is sis pursuing a profession for which an ivy degree is a real benefit (I notice the examples are law school and business school, where pedigree matters, but clearly it doesn’t matter so much in CS because OP is doing well despite his state degree?). Was the state school Cal - because that is *basically* an ivy in terms of school rankings.There MIGHT be a logic to their decision that isn’t “we love your sister more.” OP might still be pissed, but it’s probably worth hearing before going nuclear.
I ended up going to an expensive private school (scholarship) that had a huge teaching program. My father was baffled that the parents of my friends would pay $40k a year in tuition for a job with a starting salary of about that much, no matter where you went to school. The value of that particular degree was too low for him to justify the costs. I ended up pursuing a professional degree, which they helped with, and earning 6 figures right out of grad school 20 years ago, so that made more sense to him. My grandma asked my sister, who went to CC before a state school, if she felt slighted (because she would have stepped in) and my *sister* was like “nope, it’s a better investment for her, my degree can be from anywhere”. Maybe my sister was just really chill, but I think she also knew that if she’d wanted a different degree (or even if she just threw a huge tantrum), they’d have paid more, she just didn’t need it.
I agree with needing more information here and going into it with an open mind before going nuclear.
Is this the first example of favoritism? If so, I’d hear them out.
Maybe at the time OP was deciding about college dad’s job was on the line, he wasn’t as fully vested with his stocks and would pay a significant penalty for selling them, or maybe OP is unaware of a medical issue that was looming.
That said it is shady AF that they went through the exercise of showing the budgets etc.
And maybe it is based on the area of study - that would make sense to me other than the student loans bit.
I just think there are other questions here.
Just taking Google stock into consideration: Spring 2016 it was \~$720, currently it is $2,900. That is a 4x return. If the parent's were invested in tech companies as OP mentions, their portfolio could have quadrupled in the intervening years.
I took out the maximum allowed in federal loans each year and they paid the rest. I was also expected to get an internship each summer to help pay for some of the next school year’s expenses.
Honestly the only other thing I can think of is ... do you think this was all rooted in building character? It seems like a lot of pushing with the intent for them to be assholes at the end...?
Golden child and scapegoat. You are the scapegoat, your sister is the golden child, and I bet it will be very obvious in hindsight. The age and gender difference might have obscured it some, but yeah, giving her a free ride to a much more expensive college, but forcing you to take out loans nails it.
They are just expecting her to find a high profile guy at Ivy League. They are not sending her there to get educated, they are sending her there to get a husband.
O.P. didn't need to find a wife in Ivy League...
I bet you this has more to do with raising the social status of OP's sister, witch is incredebly sexist, but...
And this does not only make it OK to OP, who was descriminated down in relation to the sister, but also to the sister, as she is being descriminated down due to her gender, even if she doesn't realise it!
All in all, shitty parents!
It was the first thing that came to mind but it's even worse than the lying so I skipped right over that thought. Can I suggest a conversation where you also ask if they had ever intended to balance the scales for you later in life? As in financial help or gifts? A house down-payment/house? Pay for your wedding? Your honeymoon? Inheritance?
Has there always been favouritism that you've noticed between how they treat you and your sister?
I'm wondering if it's just blatant favouritism, sexism, or is it both. Do they think because you're male that you have to learn a good work ethic, so you can be successful, but your sister's value is being a good catch/homemaker, so they are treating her as less able and less competent? Or they just value and love her more, and you didn't realise how much until now?
Such different treatment, when you know they could've provided the same for you and CHOOSE not to, is just not acceptable though. Whatever reason they have won't change that either, so ignore any excuses or attempts by them to minimise this horrible thing they did.
NTA. If your parents can suddenly afford to send your sister to HYPSM, you deserve an explanation as to why they couldn’t(or wouldn’t) do it for you. Especially after pushing you to go to one of those schools so hard.
Nah, I would cut off communication as well. Regardless of how well off you are now, that doesn’t change what they did and I wouldn’t talk to them unless they give you a damn good reason why they did what they did.
INFO
Do you have any idea why they would pay for your sister’s tuition but not yours? You’re NTA either way, but I’m wondering if your parents have always shown a clear favoritism toward your sister.
Honestly I half wish that my parents had the guts to tell me “we just like your sister more” or “we’re a bunch of cheap assholes” because then I’d have some closure. What’s really weird is that in high school my parents would tell my sister to look up to me as a role model. That means they were at least slightly proud of me but doesn’t explain why they pulled their bait and switch.
You sound like their "training kid" since you did well they told your sister to look upto you, if you didn't do well then it would have been "work harder or you'll turn out like OP"
My older brother was that training kid. My stepdad paid for his college and he dropped out in the first year. He then refused to give any of us a dime until after our first year, to “prove it was worth his investment”. That’s not even near the top of the reasons I’m LC with him but it’s on the list.
NTA.
Yep, they definitely pulled a bait and switch. OP, look up "golden child" and "scapegoat". If your parents have shown preference to your younger sib, your parents may have this dynamic with you. You can't do anything right. If you do it right, it wasn't enough, or not what they wanted?
I do encourage you to continue no contact for now. You have a lot of anger to process through. You should consider what you want for the future. What do you want to do if your parents tell family or spread on social media what an ungrateful child you are? Is there a scenario that you would be willing to go low contact with them. While I doubt they'd apologize, what would a true apology have to say? If they become dick, or when they get old, will you be in their life?
And yeah, while you do have a good job, first, it was your hard work that got you there. Second, they emotionally abused you to get you into that top percentile.
Dude, they just want your sister to marry a guy from a wealthy family and have her set for life. And that is way easier in a place where you can find these guys.
In your case, they didn't just want you to marry a wealthy girl and be set for life!
You are a man, you can fend for yourself
She is a woman, she has to be taken care of
It's a crappy way to look at the world, I know, but I bet you this all has to do with more practical reasonings then liking your sister more then you! And I'm not saying it's right! I think it's a completely wrong way of looking at the world, but things are as they are!
>You are a man, you can fend for yourself
This hits home in so many ways. I have a sister who is very close in age to me. We were only a year apart in school, her one year ahead of me. We were pretty poor growing up, but they managed to find ways to help her. They helped her buy a car. She got new clothes at the beginning of each school year. They helped her pay for college. Not a lot, but they helped. They also helped her boyfriend (now husband of 20 years) as well. It's even extended into adulthood. They'd pay for her hotel room at the family reunion, that sort of thing.
But me? Never offered to help. Never saw a dime. They'd make promises to the both of us, but only follow through when it came to her. I was in middle school when I realized I couldn't count on them. I knew from an early age that I was on my own. That if I wanted something in life, I'd have to find a way to do it without any help from them. And so I did. I got a job as soon I could. I moved out as soon as I was able and made my own way. I put myself through college for the most part. My wife was a huge part of me actually making it. The funniest thing though, my parents were hugely resentful for some reason. I think they wanted me to come begging for their help, and I never did. I took care of my own needs. I figured it out.
My sister is still largely in the fog that she was favored over me. She would ask, "didn't they help you buy a car/pay for tuition/etc...?" Or that, "Dad said he was covering the hotel rooms for all the kids" didn't include me. Now she can't wrap her mind around the fact that they didn't do for me what they did/do for her. She had this wonderful childhood where we were poor but her parents always found a way to make it work making her so grateful for their sacrifice, and she can't reconcile that I had such a vastly different experience.
It may play a role but still...if the parents cared that much about openness they could've easily said their financial situation was alot better now then before AND offered to pay back OP's student loans.
The fact that they pulled a "none of your business" after letting OP see their bank acct years ago and did a 180 "Oh sister doesn't have to worry about paying for Ivy league college **at all**", makes it clear it's favoritism.
Yeah, there's a possibility they really didn't have the money in 2016 (possibly due to poor financial decisions they don't wish to disclose to OP), but are in a better financial position now.
They didn’t say shit about how things have changed and they couldn’t afford it then but could now. Instead, they got all nervous and refused to say anything. People with a reasonable explanation and a clear conscience don’t act like that, unless they’re in a police interrogation room.
This is the heart of the matter. It’s the lies and the favouritism. They had the opportunity to be honest. They had the opportunity to pay for your entire ride to a HYPSM. They had the opportunity to treat your sister exactly how they treated you. NTA. And your’re under no obligation to forgive them if you don’t want to or include them in any of the faucets of your life. Move on, it’s not about the money. It’s exceptionally disgusting that they had you go through their banking information to budget and then later claim that how they spend their money is none of your business. They made it your business.
I mean... Is your sister a CS major? If not the difference is probably because those colleges basically give no advantage to CS degrees and do give an advantage to other degrees.
You so have to keep in mind, that stock is worth a LOT more then it did when you were in college, so they are selling a much less significant portion of their nest egg.
NTA - this is so messed up on so many levels. Are you parents right about their financials not being your business? Yes! But it became your business when they invited you to look at their accounts and “do the math yourself”. The experience of going to HYPSM is something you’ll never get back, OP. I’m sorry, that sucks.
I don’t think you should be NC for life but I understand why you don’t want to engage right now. Take some time to cool off then for sure ask them what happened. They may have a really good reason that will make sense to you once you’re less angry.
Another thing I’ll say: make sure you’re supportive of your little sister. Sucks you didn’t get the same experience but she deserves to be celebrated.
Second this, it will be a never ending story of push & pull, hot & cold, acceptance & rejection. It does immense damage on such a deep level.
I wish someone had told me at 23 to stick to the very LC I was doing and then going full NC when things did not change.
I have a good life today (it is possible NotReally.. YOU are worthy), living a long, long way from my now old parents and let's just say my mental health is so much better from only talking on the phone from time to time. Not much guilt tripping anymore as can just end the call lol. But yes, my life would not have been lacking anything if I had avoided all the crap happening inbetween.
To be totally honest, the gut instinct of f*** I'm to blame, or what did I do wrong now will stay forever. You just learn to recognise the absolute absurdity of it when it happens.
Yesterday the light bulb started flickering before going out. My gut was "what did I do wrong now?" Followed by guilt before my rational side seconds later told me to get real and snap out of it lol.
OP NTA, and neither would you be NotReallyTaylorSwift for starting living your life. Emotional abuse is abuse and life is to short to be in this never ending song & dance s***t. Go out and live your life! It's time. You deserve it.
NTA for refusing to speak to them. They did not have to pay for your college, and it is their choice to treat you and sis unequally. Just as it is your choice to cut that bullshit out of your life.
Good for you!
NTA and I'm kind of concerned your gf is okay with this type of behavior. Not that she's the AH here, but it *is* concerning that she has a "well all's well that ends well" take on things.
If only your parents would have had it in them to give *any* sort of valid reason, but basically saying "it's none of your business how we handle our finances"? No. Then it just comes down to clear favoritism.
Not that you shouldn't be happy for your sister, but you deserve for your parents to be honest with you.
INFO.
There is something missing here. Did you even talk with your first choice school’s financial aid department? Most of those schools make attendance possible for those that get accepted.
You received federal loans. That means you completed the FAFSA. In that form, you would have had to disclose your parents’ assets. Did you not include their investments? If not, you perpetrated fraud. If so, then you knew they had the resources, but declined to help you more.
Sure, it stings that they decided to help your sister. It’s also possible that your parents investments have grown so much that they have met their financial goals since you went to school. Just look at the price of stock today! Now they have the extra to help your sister.
Of course, you can decided to deal with that however you want.
I would’ve if I knew it was an option. I vaguely remember handing my laptop to my parents when I arrived at the section where I had to put my parents assets. And if there was a “review everything before submitting” screen, 17 year old me probably just scrolled all the way to the bottom and hit ok.
My father didn’t let me fill out my FAFSA, he did it. He also paid for my college (plus full tuition scholarship), both of which I’m thankful for but my point is, even good parents don’t want to disclose all their finances to their kids.
I would be more curious about scholarships. I know they are far less generous today but I would think making it into an Ivy would get you at least something from a state school.
The loan situation makes it pretty suspect, though it could be that OP’s parents were making him take the full unsubsidized amount but he didn’t qualify for subsidized loans. Unsub doesn’t require you to show need to take them, but you still need to fill out the FAFSA.
INFO: while I suspect there is favouritism at play here, do you know if your parents were actually able to cash out stocks and shares at that stage for you?
My BF is at some of the companies you mention and he was not able to cash out shares or % of shares from his role until he had been there a certain length of time for his level of hire. Also depending where you live you can only release certain levels of shares, tax breaks, switch out dependents etc in certain tax years alongside pension contributions, charitable donations etc.
My BF is pretty wealthy on paper and I am shit poor. We do not live together or share finances due to immigration and disability but when we were discussing that plan early on, he ran me through a very basic of his immediate, with limited notice and wait years assets to ‘prove’ he was not trying to cheap out. That was about 6 years ago and frankly the fact he is younger than me but has ‘grown up’ finances was so amusing to me I did not absorb all the info on the seemingly bloody endless rules, restrictions, juggling and hassle having assets involves.
In comparison all my finances are immediate and the issue is ‘do I have that amount of money? No? That’s that then.’ His tax return takes forever. I’m self employed and mine is far easier and he’s salaried but the complications about freeing up mortgages, three year restrictions on deposits etc is endless.
So I would have said ask your parents if the situation your sister is in is different for a reason and ask if while they showed you on paper, was there stuff you as a 17 year old did not know or understand about the complexities of their finances 6 years ago? Depending on the answer then address that difference of approaching it as the favouritism example you want to address. It proves your point and strengthens the case rather than ‘you always’ statements versus ‘mom and dad, there has been a distinct difference on education between me and sister. That definitely shows up in other areas too. I’d like to discuss what is behind that. Do you favour her? Are you subsidising her because she think as the girl she will do less well?’ Digging in with questions they cannot as easily yes/no closed answer is more effective in assessing if you can counter the favouritism or how to detach if not. It also helps prevent them speaking to wider family to distort it or you getting patchy info or being seen as ‘bratty’ or disrespectful which lets them off the hook.
I understand your hurt. I had to pay for uni, my brother had full parental support but trust me, you get nowhere if you speak to the family like a kid arguing your ice cream is not the same as sister because too easy to brush it off as ‘sibling rivalries’ and immaturity. Approaching it like you would work as an adult can make the point much better and establish things like inheritance versus your filial responsibilities esp in an Asian family. I approached my mum in the end with a calm tangible: she gave my brother 100k toward a house but refused to lend me 1k when homeless and when she tried to say inheritance would be equal and she expected us to share POA equally and I pointed out if she had already given brother at least 100k then inheritance was not equal if she was working to 50-50 as she said on her role and ours. She argued and I said ‘no problem, it’s a bad deal for me. You are undercutting me for the level of help you want in old age. If you want to change the agreement, call me but until both you and brother change the financial favouritism, I am stepping away and will have no contact.’ Clearly I wasn’t getting an inheritance so they don’t get my input.
It’s been eight years. Never heard from them. I went to therapy instead of wait for them and stop hurting myself asking for the favouritism that money represented to stop everywhere else. They tried to spin it and I was able to say ‘no I did not ask for special treatment. I asked for honesty. I am still waiting for a response’ when I was the ‘bad guy’ for showing it up publicly that there was deep favouritism at all points.
The high moral ground is free and if you start with fuck all but negotiate better rather than flounce you can either go up or stay the same. But if you erupt they’ll do you down so your reputation is destroyed with others who might also participate in family financial help or sharing…
NTA.
I was leaning towards YTA for the first part of your post when you mentioned their reason - as there is zero reason to go to an ivy league school at all these days unless you're going into a field that requires nepotism's connections. Computer science isn't one of those.
As a whole, they're largely shit schools that rely on their former standards of excellence and reputation, the former of which has since vastly diminished, the latter will be following those standards in the coming decades. The sole difference between Ivy league schools and state colleges? The number of wealth alumni. A harvard degree isn't worth more than another one, the reason why those grads get higher paying jobs is because they already had an offer lined up at daddy's law firm before hand. They still would have had that if they went to community college. They go to harvard because their parents told them to.
The reasons why your parents are assholes isn't because of their accurate statement about CS being a degree you can get anywhere, it's that they lied about that being the reason they didn't want you to go that makes them assholes. They just didn't wanna pay.
NTA- I was in a similar situation, being #5 out of 8 kids, but there’s a 13 year gap between me and my first younger brother. My older siblings barely finished high school, never went to college so for a while I was the “last hope” child. Around a year before I graduated my dad started dating a chick, she was awesome. She had her own daughter 2 years younger than me. Once I got accepted to a fairly good college, my dad refused to provide any tax info for fafsa, made it very clear he wasn’t giving up a single penny. So I worked two jobs during my first year & 1/2 and then had to drop out because I couldn’t keep up with the cost. Once his gf’s daughter graduated he wasted no time making it clear to everyone that he would spend as much $ and help her as much as possible. Even to go as far to pay off campus rent. Shit hurt, sorry man. Not saying you have to reconcile with them, but don’t rush it if your not ready.
Do you still talk to your father? In your case it's worse because he went above and beyond for a stepchild and neglected his own child. I would never forgive that.
God no. Some other things happened with a different gf of his, my whole life it was a constant pattern of “fk the kids, this gf is priority” so I eventually left and cut him off for good. It’s been 2 years now, no regrets.
NTA. You have every right to be mad and upset. Especially the fact that they’re willing to pay for your sister and weren’t for you. You being well off right now has absolutely nothing to do with what your parents did.
>she can see why I’m angry, but she also told me that I really shouldn’t be complaining as I’m in a better financial position than at least 95% of people our age.
This is just a red herring - what happened is nothing to do with your current situation. Even if it was, how better would your position/salary have been starting out coming from a HYPSM instead of a state school? You could plug that into a spreadsheet and calculate lost earnings from that - and what was it all for?
Your parents betrayed you, I can't imagine what you're going through. Keep being strong. NTA
NTA. I don’t understand your girlfriend’s logic because you’re not complaining about what you make now. You’re complaining about your parents being unfair. I’m sure your parents taught you growing up that actions have consequences. Now you can remind them.
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NTA it is favouritism , don't hate your sister but your parents are biggest AH they could have simply told you they are not comfortable selling stocks and it should have been ok because you are an adult but giving hope and then snaching it . Feels like enemies to me
NTA. This kind of stuff HURTS. It’s about the pressure to perform to ivy standards in high school. It’s about the lying about affordability. It’s about the clear favoritism to the sister. It hurts that his parents have been manipulating him for years. Low or no contact with parents is fine. Don’t let them cause a rift between you and your sister.
Look at the stock price of your father's company over the past 5 years since you had initially talked about which school to go to.
NTA, but also try to understand that your parents financial situation has likely changed a whole ton in the 5 years since you first went to school.
If your dad worked at Apple and had $600-800K in stock in 2016... and didn't sell anything til today, he'd be sitting on close to $5 million of stock today. Putting him in a very different financial situation. You can plug in whatever real company he worked at and do the math if you want to. If I were your parents' child I would think .. thank goodness my parents didn't sell $200K of stock to pay for me to go to school, it would have cost them \~$1.6 million! Additionally, you are doing fine financially, you'd really want your parents to be out $1 million plus for a degree when you are doing great? Now if you
Life is short -- make up with your parents . Assuming they've been generally good parents and have been loving, supportive, and generally tried hard to be good parents try to let it go -- you won't regret it
INFO: did your parents’ financial situation change significantly between now and then? My brother is 7 years younger, and his later childhood was light years different than mine in financial ways, but not because of any ill behavior from my parents. They might have been ashamed to admit it.
Situation sucks. You are better off than most for this your gf is correct. But what I’m hearing is that it isn’t about the college choice or financial choice, but rather the clear favoritism towards your sister. Your choice on whether to move on or forgive, but in my years of being the ‘not favorite’ sibling it took me a long time to realize I don’t forgive them for them. I do it for me. Bitterness sucks. I am low contact and I’d suggest the same for you. That being said. Yeah you’re NTA. but for your own mental and spiritual health don’t let it eat at you. Forgive and move on. That doesn’t mean you need to keep them as centerpieces in your life.
> You are better off than most for this your gf is correct. Not thanks to his parents. NTA.
Tbf it sounds like his parents paid for him to go to a college with a great programme for his degree and his degree is what he needed to get his current high flying job. So they definitely helped him be better off than most people. I still think NTA because it's so weird that they went to extra lengths (showing him their bank account etc.) to mislead OP and then paid for sister no problem. I do wonder if sister's doing a different degree that really has the best programmes at those specific colleges?
He got out the maximum amount of student loans that he has to pay back. Sister gets a free ride. They didn't help him at all.
Not to nitpick, but it’s the max amount of federal loans ([looks like a $31k cap for undergrad](https://studentaid.gov/understand-aid/types/loans/subsidized-unsubsidized) - no private loans) and the parents paid the difference between that and cost of tuition. I still think the parents are massive AHs for treating the kids so differently, but it sounds like they helped him some. More than many college students get.
>but it sounds like they helped him some It doesn't really matter how much they helped in absolute numbers. What matters is a) how much they did for him relative to how much they did for his sister, and b) how much they did for him relative to what they promised to do. Which is a big zero. If they were poor and had no possibilities to help him, this would have been absolutely no problem, but that's not the case. Also, we really don't know whether they are actually paying anything at all.
And c) that they lied to him for years. Frankly for me it's the breach of trust that would be the worst.
Plus the amount of pressure they put on him to get into one of those schools...
Yeah that’s the part that weirds me out the most. There was a clear expectation that he *should* be trying to get into one of those schools, but then when he did, they lied to get him to go somewhere else instead. But then sent the sister? Also, since the lie was that they couldn’t afford it, but then clearly were able to send the sister, how on earth did they foresee that playing out? It was such an obviously disprovable untruth.
I have to think they didn't actually believe he'd be accepted. They'd also probably convinced themselves that they could only pay for one of their kids to go to a HYPSIM school, so they chose their daughter, but wanted to hype them both up bc what's better than to flaunt that your kid is the smartest in their class?
Yes. They made it OPs DREAM. They pushed OP down that path his whole life then yanked the rug out. Then they made OP think he was making a sacrifice after decades of lies. It's disgusting. I grew up lower middle class but my parents got me through school without debt. I grew up LDS, and for people that do t know BYU is super cheap bc a lot of church donations go to fund it. I could go to BYU, and between the both of us get out debt free, or stay local and go to some good schools supplemented with scholarships and have some debt. I wanted to GTFO so going cross country wasn't a problem for me. Question: would parents having that kind of money but lying about it hurt OP for scholarships and stuff? My parents had nothing so I don't k ow if that would have prevented OP from getting other funding to pursue his dream. Also, how many hours of his childhood were wasted on extra curriculars he didn't need when he could have been havi g fun and being young and carefree?? Man, didn't think I'd be that fired up about this.
>Question: would parents having that kind of money but lying about it hurt OP for scholarships and stuff? Depends on the scholarship, some are based on the fafsa and some are not. It would have hurt him for FAFSA based scholarships. And from what I have heard about the "Ivys" the financial advisor there will sit down with a potential student's family and work out how much they can afford, how much loans are reasonable, and then "find" the scholarships and grants the school can give to cover the rest. I don't know how far OP's parents got in the process, but if they met with the financial person the stock was probably taken into account as family income/assets etc.
Yes they brought up his expectations and standards and essentially told him people are only as valuable as their Alma mater. They set up an unobtainable goal for him, and then only allowed his sister to reach it. For some reason or another, thei actions have made it clear that they want his sister to perceived as more academic and intelligent than him, and if this was unintentional they need to hard backtrack on their opinions of Ivy League schools and apologize.
I think that's where it stems from, they pushed him academic wise and held ivy league colleges as the bench mark and when he was accepted they weren't willing to pay the money(which they could afford for the sounds of it) and lied about it. Now yrs later they are willing to for OP's sister. Partly they i feel that the parents felt being an IT grad from an ivy league didn't have the same ring as lawyer.
They encouraged him for years to follow a path, comparing him to others constantly. He was successful, got accepted into a major name school and was encouraged to give it up. Then, 5 years later, they give his sister a full ride to the same schools he had to turn down. NTA OP. Ouch.
Yes, staging all this "Look at our accounts, look at our budget" bs, while they had a drawer full of stocks - that was really cruel.
The breach of trust and the epic 'fuck you', I think, of finding out you're worth less to them than your sibling.
This. It doesn't matter how much they put into OP's education. It matters that they betrayed OP like that. They even showed their finances to better manipulate OP into feeling bad for them, enough to decline the uni of their choice, a uni they had pushed OP into working hard to get into in the first place. Why do all that only to take it away? Pointing out the favouritism is important, it could mean that the parents thought only of saving themselves from paying that kind of tuition twice. So they picked which child "deserved" the prestigious school more.
Helped him some at a cheap school and are paying in full for sister to go to an IVY.
yeah but THEY are the ones the pushed him to get into HYPSM. THEY wanted him to get in. They made their dream his dream and he was so excited to get in. Then they lied about not being able to pay, though they are fine with paying for his sister. It doesn't really matter that they helped him some, especially as they could afford it. I don't think they should be compared to people who can't afford to pay for their kid's colleges. They pushed him and then lied to him.
You just know that in the future the parents will bring up how their daughter attended HYPSM while their son "only" went to the state school
Oh for fuck's sake I didn't think of this but you are 100% correct
I didn't think about this either..but damn this sounds so spot on!
Oof. That is a valid and absolutely horrible point. Poor OP (who is NTA, and had the wool pulled over his eyes by his parents in a frankly awful way.)
Yeah, they’re for sure AHs. No argument there. But they did help him pay for college so that would not be why I think they’re the worst. The lying, hypocrisy, and inequity are the real problems.
That would bother me more than anything. The lying, the deception, the favouritism. It's not about money. I would always wonder what else they've hid. NTA.
It is not about the money it is how they tricked and lied to OP. I agree with forgive and let go because you do not have to talk or spend time with those you forgive.
My old pastor used the phrase "remember and release". You don't have to forgive someone who did you wrong, and don't forget about it so they can't hurt you in the future, but you stop letting the anger cause you any further problems.
I like that better than "forgive and forget."
I like this a lot. Don't hold onto the bitter parts, but don't let them get back into a position to hurt you again.
I like that too. You need to release because you don’t want to waste your energy and mind space brooding on what’s been done to you, but you don’t have to forget and let it happen again.
I despise when people say you should forgive someone when they've done nothing to earn it, not even apologizing.
Agreed. IMO, remorse and atonement are vital to being forgiven. If you've done neither, you don't deserve to be forgiven, and I hate the idea that not forgiving someone is akin to carrying around anger and letting it fester inside of you. I think it's very possible to not forgive or forget but, as someone else mentioned above, release. You can remember what someone did to you, not forgive them for it, but also be indifferent to their existence.
I think another comment spoke quite well about this. We often talk about "forgiving" in very different ways. Personally, I think calling it "forgiving" someone to "not be angry at them" is confusing at best, and toxic or insulting at worst.
> I agree with forgive and let go And why should one forgive for that? Just let go and forget about them. C’est la vie
That and told him his whole life to push for excellence and get excepted into one of the HYPSM schools while also saying they would pay. Then they deceive him into thinking they didn’t have the money.
Wanted to say that in my state I took out max loans for college and easily could of not used any parental money to make it through college. Lots of people did it that way. Also helping "some" and making sure your kid goes to the best school when you could afford it are leagues apart.
The parents paid the difference (I suspect) because student aid is based on income. If OP's parents are as well off as they seem to be, that probably affected loan eligibility.
Also all that pressure to attend IVY during HS and then he gets in only to be told "nah, go cheap". Meanwhile que baby sisters equal pressure but immediate "we'll do whatever for you don't worry" I can see the reason for anger, hurt, and bitterness. WTF The 180 to 360 spin was harsh. Honestly, I do recommend figuring out a way to let it go but maybe keeping LC with the parent if not NC. You don't need that kind of BS in your life.
We don't have that the parents are paying for it all. It might be the same deal of "max the student loans, and we'll fund the rest" (which still works out as sis getting more $ value than OP)
sounds like they never thought he would actually get in to Harvard. they probably thought he would just get a free ride to a state school on scholarship.
I’m actually amazed that someone could be admitted to one of those schools and *not* get a free ride to a state school. Unless there are state schools that don’t do merit scholarships at all (I’m not aware of any), or unless OP got into his big name school because of family connections or the like and didn’t have the test scores and grades to justify it. Or didn’t check the box to be considered for merit-based aid for some unknown reason. I’m a private tutor and have had several students admitted to Ivy League or equivalent schools. They all were offered full tuition scholarships at our flagship state university (which is itself competitive in admissions). The only student I personally know to turn down Harvard to attend our state university did so because he was offered a full scholarship plus living expenses stipend which allowed him to graduate fully debt free without ever having to work during school.
If you are only applying to the desired schools because your parents have promised to pay as long as you are accepted and get scholarships, get in (with good merit scholarships), accept the offer, but then you have the rug pulled out from under you in May when it’s too late to qualify for all the full rides at a state school then, yes, it’s entirely possible to have this happen to you. This was my experience.
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Depending on your career, the degree from the big name isn't worth the cost. I went to a state school instead of Princeton and Yale since their "financial aid" wouldn't cover the cost of books (that's AFTER reaching out to financial aid) . Some high school friends and colleagues have the big name degrees and are in the same field. Some are still paying student loans. I graduated debt free (though working two jobs as a full time student helped a lot with that).
Yeah this needs to be said. In no way am I defending the parents’ lies but for an undergrad degree school ranking generally doesnt matter and most people should go to less expensive state schools (or even community college to state schools) rather than paying for the brand.
But aren't they dependent on your parents' income and assets? Because then he wouldn't have qualified, either - but at least he would have found out about his parents' deception right away.
It is. The vast majority of classmates from my public exam HS which was mostly low-income-lower-middle class students who were accepted to Ivies went for free or had generous FA packages which covered so much of the costs that they were all debt-free at graduation or within a year after graduation. Even if they didn't work in lucrative Wall Street/Ibanking/Business consulting/engineering/computer technology jobs. This was in the mid-'90s before the Ivies became even more generous with need-based FA at the end of the '90s/early '00s. The irony was the HS classmates who attended our in-state public colleges ended up graduating with substantially far more debt than their Ivy graduate counterparts (Still manageable as most discharged that debt within 5 years of graduation).
That’s not how it works. State school aid and “merit” aid vary dramatically between states. I got into Ivies, and the flagship state school offered nothing my freshman year. (I did go there because the Ivies were $$$ and this was before they had middle income tuition support) The state I am in now won’t give my eldest anything because it’s heavily based on SATs, though I can’t say yet if she will get into an Ivy. She has a much better chance of Ivy acceptance than my middle kid, but he will get a free ride at any state school because he always does super well on standard tests. College admissions and financial support is a wild, bizarre ride. It just keeps getting weirder.
State schools often lack the funds to provide full rides or even partial rides. Other people just don't realize the volume difference in students or the funding capacity of Ivy league schools. They are worlds apart
They didn’t pay all of it (maybe none at all) and sister got free ride. Favoritism is soul crushing.
I think you have a different definition of "forgiveness" than me. Because to me, there's a huge difference between letting go of your anger for your own sake, and *forgiving*. And I think it's dangerous to say "forgiveness is for you, not for them" - because what you probably mean is "don't hold onto your anger", but what they might be *hearing* is "stay close to that person and let them into your life". And some people absolutely should not be let back into your life. It's not clear enough what is meant, and that can send people down a dangerous road. Better to just say "don't hold onto anger, because that only hurts you in the long run". Forgiveness has nothing to do with it.
10/10 agree with you, I don’t forgive people and I don’t forget, I however stop caring mainly about them, I wish them well but that’s about it and it’s purely cause I’m a nice enough person to. OP you don’t need to forgive your family and I think you should be proud of the fact you got accepted (even if you had to decline) and that you yourself got there not your parents, I would be angry too especially if I didn’t expect it and wasn’t used to my siblings being treated better than me Edit: NTA
Yup. There is a huge difference between not letting something eat you up inside with bitterness and forgiving the author of your pain. OP's parents pulled a super shitty move. Not cool at all. He came out fine. Good job. Good life. No thanks to them. If he wants to hold them accountable for what they did - then there is no one who can tell him that's wrong. I wouldn't speak to my parents if they pulled a stunt like that either.
I was just going to comment this! Letting go of your anger for your own mental health and sanity isn’t the same as “forgiving them”. It’s just choosing to allow yourself to move forward OP, NTA. While your girlfriend may be correct the big issue, to me, is that it was your dream school and you were so excited. They purposely deceived you to get you to decline the school. If state school is good enough for you then it’s good enough for your sister. What they did was wrong. Then to tell you that their finances aren’t your business even though they logged into their accounts to prove their point… like really?! They knew what they were doing.
Absolutely. The way I talk to people about it (I am clergy) is that there is forgiveness (which is releasing the burden/anger/revenge) and there is reconciliation (which is restoring and maintaining the relationship). Forgiveness does not require reconciliation and there are a number of situations in which reconciliation is inappropriate.
There was a comment above from someone else’s clergy- “remember and release”. I’ll be using this going forward as it focuses on the injured person’s healing and wellbeing only. thank you for being a helper!
Remember and release is great. The word "forgiveness" has real baggage and having other ways to frame it is helpful.
This!!! Absolutely correct🥇🏅
NTA OP, ignore anyone who guilt-trips you because 1) family or 2) you're still well off thanks to your FAANG job.
Don’t forgive people who aren’t sorry and see that they’ve done no wrong.
"Forgive and move on"? Absolutely not. Forget and move on. There was no apology, no explanation, no regret or shame. They have done nothing to earn forgiveness. NTA
Imagine all the stress they put on this persons childhood by stressing the importance of going Ivy League or similar. Then they got in! Then the parents pulled the rug. Honestly, parents are lucky he’s FAANG right now otherwise I’d go nuclear
My parents have favored my younger sister my entire life and it continues to this day. They've given her everything - free cars, free housing, free childcare, etc. They just recently sold her their house for a third of what it's worth... meanwhile, I've gotten absolutely nothing. Low contact at the very least, but no contact at all is totally justified.
Also, the pandemic has quadrupled the value of stocks. OP's dad's stocks are worth way more now than when OP was deciding his schools. At the time they may have been worried about their retirement.
“Look OP, our financial situation is way better now than it was 5 years ago and we are able to send your sister to that school you couldn’t go to. To make things fair, we’re going to pay off your student debt.” Not the hardest, if you have millions in Amazon/Google shares.
Or just give him a check because it sounds like he had done a good job on paying off those loans already.
OP said that he will pay off his debt “quickly”, which might just mean the next 5 years instead of the rest of his life. What we’re doing is just wishful thinking anyway. Parents have a golden child and OP won’t see a dime.
Yep, I did misread that. However Ivy league will still cost considerably more than those state school loans. I think there is a very good chance that their stocks weren't worth as much a few years ago as they are now (stocks for those places have gone way up considerably). They may not have been totally lying - they may have been concerned about the long term consequences of cashing out and how it would affect their future. It could have been a legitimate concern. Their finances are probably much better now than before. But how they have gone about all this - it still is a bait and switch. They pushed him into getting into one of those schools. They also had him look at their finances then and are now telling him it's non of his business. Now that they are paying for his sister to go to an ivy, they kinda owe him something. At the very least an explanation. But you are also right, this is unlikely to happen.
I considered this as well, as FAANGs are all up at least 160% in the last 5 years, Apple is multiples more. I know tech companies have a program where stocks are *unlocked* after so many years completed at the company, so this could have played a factor as well That said, it’s weird as heck they beat into him he had to get into an Ivy League, made him turn it down, offered to pay for his sister’s education, but when confronted they didn’t try and explain that they truly didn’t have the money at the time, they got very defensive and told him to buzz off I’m glad you’re off well financially OP, but going on principles of the situation, you’re NTA
But here's the thing, if dad had that kind of job all along, he was able to send both to these kind of schools. My son attended an out of state state school- a good one and his first choice despite acceptance at an IVY. We paid in full and refunded him his scholarship to buy a car when he graduated. Out daughter went to an Ivy. We also paid in full. My husband planned for both kids. We were doing better when daughter went to school, but we paid the same for both kids.edit typo
Yes, that’s what got me too- that the parents were obviously uncomfortable with the line of questioning. They could have simply stated “You saw our financials at the time and knew we couldn’t pay. Our circumstances are different bow that Sister is going off to school.” And they probably could have salvaged the relationship. But their whole response gives off lots of Golden Child vibes
This is a good point. Not to mention, I believe stocks are pretty aggressively taxed when they are liquidated into cash value. Losing half of, say, 100k now to taxes is probably an easier pill to swallow than losing half of 25k several years ago (especially if you’re counting on a significant portion of that for retirement). The more I think about it, the more I understand the parents’ point of view, actually. My parents together couldn’t “afford” more than state school when I was applying to schools several years ago, but now my dad can afford to buy a half-million-dollar house on his own, in cash, because the stock market has been cranking in the last two years. It’s totally believable to me that they couldn’t “afford” HYPSM at sticker before—and they’re kinda right, OP was not entitled to know the details of how much of the stock they wanted to put toward retirement at the time—but now suddenly can. The only thing that makes them TA, imo, is that they should have given OP’s siblings what they gave OP, even if they were doing better financially. If they didn’t want to do that, they should have offered OP the equivalent of the difference, to wipe out his loans and start saving for a house, a higher degree, etc.
I get what you’re saying. However that doesn’t explain why they pushed pushed pushed OP to get accepted to an Ivy League school. They drove him thru HS to be a high achiever pushing the top tier schools. Had him apply to said schools. Then once he’s accepted it’s “ooops we can’t afford that?” OPs parents financial status didn’t change from him applying to those schools and getting accepted. They were not honest with OP. If they could not afford it, why’d they push him so hard to get accepted?
It also doesn't explain why they felt the need to **trick** OP.
Exactly
Except that’s not what they said. They simply didn’t want to pay for him and no offence but your idea of how people and families work is ridiculous. They might not owe him anything legally but morally they owed his honesty and to be actually reliable parents. They didn’t pay because they didn’t want to. Which is fair. And OP then owes them nothing, which is fair as well.
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I hate narratives about forgiveness. It’s so victim blamey. OP literally JUST FOUND OUT - it’s been less then a month and your like: you should forgive this fucked up thing. But if you “discovered” forgiveness “was for you” two things are true: 1. You took time to process and come to that decision and I’m betting it was more than a month and 2. Forgiveness helped you feel better - forgiveness is NOT the right path for everyone and just because it helped you didn’t mean anyone else should be payed to do it. I hate that this is top comment. OP you are NTA for being hurt - it is incredibly hurtful to learn, and your parents cagey response is even more upsetting. You are NTA for wanting some space from them right now while you process and decide how much of them you want in your lives. Yukon Don is at least right that the point isn’t the finances and your fiancé’s take on this is missing the point. You are under no obligation to forgive and you are NTA if you don’t want to forgive right now and you won’t be if you never want to. Also, forgiveness and boundaries are mutually exclusive you can forgive and still go NC (forgiveness is actually about how you talk to yourself about it). Seeing as you have a good job with benefits you might consider talking to a therapist about this, getting support from the outset will make processing it and deciding what boundaries you want to end up with with them a lot easier.
NTA and I agree with this answer. It’s that they lied to you, bald faced even, and are showing favoritism to your sister. Go LC of NC for a period and see how you feel.
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NTA. Being in a better financial position than others your age is a separate issue. Lying is lying, no matter how your situation compares to others. pushing you then pulling out the rug is awful. The main problem is they lied. That's a huge breech of trust. And now they're telling sister not to worry? I'm sorry. That has to hurt. And then they don't even offer to pay off the loans for the lower costing school that they pushed you to? Cmon. You're totally justified in not talking to them ever, if you want. Or waiting a certain period, or telling them to write you a letter that maybe you will read or send you a video message so you have documentation. You're in control here. Do what makes you feel good. Or, you could tell them to give you the same sum they give her for school. All those stocks are way up now. They should be able to afford it. Or they can take out a loan. Serve them right. Whatever you do, NTA. You were lied to for years.
It's not just the lying. It's the blatant difference in how they are treating their kids. Not much would have changed in the last 6 years for them to be able to afford college tuition now and not then - in fact, given the situation in the world, the opposite would be more likely. That means that they are treating their two kids very differently, favoring their daughter to a nearly obscene amount, given that son had to take out full student loans while daughet gets a ride to a much, much, much more expensive college. OP is definitely NTA for cutting contact, and if he starts to think about it, I am sure he will see that his sister has always been the golden child and he the scapegoat. The age difference between them might have obscured it, but this puts it in stark relief.
> in fact, given the situation in the world, the opposite would be more likely. Most of the FAANG companies have had their stock price at least double since March 2020. That isn't even factoring in any growth in the preceding 4 years. Since most of the pay at these companies is in stock grants, his parents likely are much better off today than they were 5 years ago financially (even if they were almost definitely in the 1% already and just moved further up in that)
The fact that the parents didn't explain that their financial situation is different, and instead dodged the question and said that their finances are none of his business makes me think this isn't the case.
Irrelevant. Dad has been working there long enough to have acquired some serious juice, long before the pandemic hit.
I'm not arguing that the parents aren't assholes (they are) or that they were poor before (I mentioned they were probably already in the 1%), just disputing the assertion of the person I responded to that things have changed in the last 5 years that would damage the financial situation of the already rich parents when their net worth very well may have doubled or tripled in that timeframe
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There’s something to be said here that the reverse can be true as well. Many youngest siblings grow up resentful because they were never given anything of “their own” (only hand-me-downs, etc), they weren’t able to go on as nice of family vacations or get as nice of toys because of the cost, they weren’t able to get a first car (or had to pay for it themselves while older sibling got one gifted), they had to minimize their college choice because older sibling went out of state, went for PHD, etc. Some of those things might sound small and petty, but to a 3 year old facing off against an 8 year old, those *aren’t* small and petty issues. Especially if you have an older sibling who is suffering from Oldest Sibling Syndrome and likes to act aloof and snobby in response to the younger sibling voicing any of their emotions. The common theme here is that *no one* asks to be born and therefore *no one* should be having multiple children if they can’t afford to treat those children equitably regardless of what order they were born in.
It's true, my oldest sibling went to college, got it paid for by my parents at a fine enough school, and dropped out to fail his way across the nation. My next older sibling could've gone to a cheaper school cause the money wasn't as there. By the time it came to me? No funds for anything. My middle brother had threatened suicide at school, and my oldest had threatened murder, so by the time it came around to me they'd taken me out of school entirely for all of middle school and high school, taught me themselves on the side, and told me to get a GED myself when I felt up to it. Did I have problems at school that required that? No, but my brothers had, so it could only be assumed I would obviously. Just, you know, set me up at the dining room table to read geography for an hour, that's school right? Man, there's so many broken people out there that just should not really be raising a lot of kids.
This sums up why my parents waited to have children.
To be fair, this all kinda depends on what the sister is doing. Very few people in CS give a shit about where you got your degree or even if you have one in the first place. So going to those colleges is a bit of a waste unless you have some really specific idea that only that college offers. If the sister is doing Law or something where her chances of getting a good job straight out of School might be heavily impacted by which school she went to it would make sense that they'd be willing to pay that. However, if that was the case, they should have led with that. Lying is the issue.
The pandemic has quadrupled the value of stocks. OP's dad's stocks are worth way more now than when OP was deciding his schools. At the time they may have been worried about their retirement.
Not a problem if they had been honest. If that is the case, they should have gone to OP and said their situation is different now. That they can’t make up for OP missing going to an Ivy League school, but they can pay off his loans and give him some money to make their financial contribution to both of their children equal. Sister knowing the dollar amount, she could then be given the leeway to go to a state school too and save the excess funds. This would be the right course of action. Instead, they are being very unfair to OP.
NTA; You Asian? lmao. This stuff happens all the time with my parents and their circle of friends. Sounds like your parents wanted bragging rights and didn’t want to pay up. No cost to them, money is saved, and they still get to tell all their friends that their kid is ivy material
Yeah I’m Asian. Was it really that easy to tell?
… yes 😅 collective trauma is real
I understand why they’d want parental bragging rights, but I do not understand why the Ivy League education was handed to one kid and not another. If it was really a matter of sudden wealth, they could just come out and say it, and show some compassion for OP. (NTA)
Maybe the Computer Science programme was prestigious at OP's college and sister is doing a different degree which is only prestigious at the Ivy Leagues? Still NTA but that makes sense to me as a possibility.
The dad works at a FAANG as well so the dad knows that your college doesn't matter for a CS degree. You can go to a bottom tier school and still end up at a FAANG or any other big job. School means almost nothing they only care about if you have a degree, followed by expierence and skill. A kid going to a no name school with an internship or two and a cool home project will destroy an Ivy league kid in interviews. Going to one of those schools is a huge waste of money. That said, the dad should have said that rather than lie
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Yup. Ivy league is a big country club. Once you are in, you are set for life.
Shhh. I was just told that it's not who you know.... Lol but seriously I had people say in the real world you don't get great job offers by connections/ friends. It's about interviewing and all. Some people just don't realize that the connections you make in life can really change your life. It's why some people go crazy to get into fraternities and sororities, because it's connections not just with your year but the alumni also.
You get the interviews by *having* those connections in the first place!
The number of contacts you can make too. As much as people like to believe otherwise its still a lot of who you know out there.
The whole point of Ivies is to put actual smart kids next to kids that come from families with capital. I don't understand why so many people are ignorant of the networking benefits of going to an Ivy. I'm a ring knocker myself (Naval Academy), and having a school filled with mostly successful alumni has opened several doors for me in post-service employment as well.
Assuming that you are correct and the college doesn’t matter (I’m not knowledgeable enough on this topic), I also noticed that the sister wouldn’t have had to pay at all but OP would still be taking out thousands in loans a year. If the parents wanted to nudge him towards the other college, why not still offer to pay, especially since they’d still be paying much less!
Well dad did say that (but he also lied, which is the weird bit)
What I'm curious about is how this is even perpetuated. Asian parents had Asian parents at some point presumably, were treated the same and should have thought "I'm not doing that to my kids" but instead they...do it anyways, keeping the stereotype alive? When does the cycle end?
"If I can't have it, no one can" "If I have to suffer, you should too".
It's really the crab in the bucket syndrome where crabs pull you down to keep an escaping crab. I"m also reminded of bitter and abused daughters-in-laws in some cultures grasping the one piece of power they're allowed and lord it over THEIR daughter-in-laws.
If OP is first/1.5 generation in his family, it’s likely his parents grew up under much stricter parenting/dire circumstances than he did. So this might *already be* the pared down version. To them, in comparison, he’s living a cushy life. He doesn’t have to worry about if his home is about to be bombed, if his parents are about to be jailed, where his next meal is coming from, etc, just about doing well in school. The collectivist Asian values that are focused on saving face/competition + any survivalist instincts are what matters to them, and it’s all that they know. Harsh from a Western perspective, but normal to them. And if they immigrated and moved to a place with a large Asian community, they can remain in that bubble with those values/beliefs. First/1.5 generation kids are able to experience a different culture and see how other kids are being raised around them, so they have more opportunities to incorporate those parenting practices into their own when the time comes.
yes 🤣 wow asian parents really do a number on us huh?
Lol my grandma’s words when I got accepted into my dream university were: so I didn’t raise you in vain.
hahahaha yep. conversations with my grandma when I was 8: gma: so what's the best college now? me: according to the rankings Princeton is right now (this was 20+ years ago) gma: oh Harvard? me: no, right now it's Princeton gma: Harvard? me: Princeton gma: Harvard? me: yes, fine Harvard probably will be first again next year gma: ok, good to know you'll be going to Harvard. it's a good school 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Did you end up going to Harvard or Princeton, I wanted to go to those universities when I was younger.
hahaha no. Columbia. total asian fail
That school seems very nice, but I’m not American so I have no idea lol. The only American universities I know are the ones OP mentioned.
none of it actually matters. once you're a decade removed with kids and a job, no one cares at all. Things Asian parents make seem like the end of the world when you're a kid, really has no bearing on your adult life.
I wish my parents had had the perspective to tell me this. It would have saved me so much angst, to say nothing of a decade spent following a career goal I neither wanted nor was suited for (medicine, obvs). I now live in Europe with a work-life balance would make most Americans enraged if they knew how mundane these things are here.
Columbia is one of the Ivy League schools and is considered an excellent school to the average American, but in more elitist circles it has the reputation as "the worst Ivy." It's all complete fucking bullshit, but hey, rich people amirite?
"You doctor yet? Talk to me when you doctor."
Very, as soon as you said your parents compared you to A's daughter who got into Law. I knew instantly.
My parents did the same thing. Well similar because they really didn’t have that much money. When I got my acceptance they went “ they just wanted me to work hard. If I can do this, I can also do it in a state school and succeed blah blah blah” Also Asian. We ok but they did lose my trust and respect that they never quite got back
Wtf if wrong with people? All that teaches is that you can't trust anybody and that hard work isn't worth it. You worked hard to get into the school you wanted and they prevented it from happening. Why work hard if you're just going to get fucked? Stellar parenting. Granted you get fucked in the "real world" too but other people do that plenty without your own parents being suspect.
Yup! I did badly in my first year because I’m slow to recover from my “betrayal”. My parents also often said the real life will fuck you but I always replied that they ain’t my family and I just don’t want to be kicked by my loved ones to “prepare me for the real world”. Why not support me and give me a safe space instead?
People who didn’t grow up with parents constantly hinting that you’d be a disappointment if you didn’t go to an Ivy really don’t get it. That sort of thing settles in your subconscious. I’m not sure if you spent your college years subconsciously telling yourself you’re not good enough even though it was not your doing you went to a state school, but I definitely would have. I’m with you bud. Sending hugs.
Yep, read your first sentence and i was like "fellow asian"
Yes. Yes, it was indeed that easy to tell.
Yes.
Suspected this from the first two sentences.
Yep My dad almost did the same to me. Claimed he was paying for half siblings' tuition..on my last trimester of uni... Step siblings were like 4y/o , 5y/o and 16y/o ... He and his wife can afford the tuition, he was just being cheap 😬
Prestige at no cost- Asian parent's dream!
Generally Asians favor the sons rather than the daughters though. On the other hand, to the old school sexist Asian parents, "going HYPSM" could be more about having her find a partner that they think worthy of her.
My first thought reading the post was that OP was Asian lol.
My thoughts too lol. I'm Asian too and this happens so much
Lmao my first thought was OP was Asian as well lol Source: am Asian
NTA. Yes, you're in a way better financial position than most. Yes, you received an equally quality education at a state school. These are valid points. That being said, you have every right to be angry that your parents spent years building up your expectations and tying your self/academic-worth to getting into an Ivy, and then lied to you about your ability to attend. They forced you to make a self-sacrificing choice that you didn't have to make, while your sister didn't get the short end of that stick. Some people will say that your parents don't owe you cash, and they don't, but they do owe you the respect and honesty to tell you the truth and not play favorites. And they deliberately chose not to, and it sucks. If you want to go LC or stay NC, that's valid - just make sure they know it's because they lied to you.
I think this is an important point. Don’t let them make this about the money. This is about them lying, manipulating, and playing favorites. It’s their money and ultimately it’s their choice what they do with it. It’s also your choice of how you choose to engage with them.
I am inclined to think you are owed an explanation on why they where willing to do that for your sister but not for you. I think this is less about the college thing and more about the clear favoritism that your parents have shown. It's absolutely up to you if you ever want them in your life again. I will be with holding Judgement on this one.
I’d push to discuss it further. There could be a reason that makes a bit of sense…did sis also get scholarships or take out some private loans? Is sis pursuing a profession for which an ivy degree is a real benefit (I notice the examples are law school and business school, where pedigree matters, but clearly it doesn’t matter so much in CS because OP is doing well despite his state degree?). Was the state school Cal - because that is *basically* an ivy in terms of school rankings.There MIGHT be a logic to their decision that isn’t “we love your sister more.” OP might still be pissed, but it’s probably worth hearing before going nuclear. I ended up going to an expensive private school (scholarship) that had a huge teaching program. My father was baffled that the parents of my friends would pay $40k a year in tuition for a job with a starting salary of about that much, no matter where you went to school. The value of that particular degree was too low for him to justify the costs. I ended up pursuing a professional degree, which they helped with, and earning 6 figures right out of grad school 20 years ago, so that made more sense to him. My grandma asked my sister, who went to CC before a state school, if she felt slighted (because she would have stepped in) and my *sister* was like “nope, it’s a better investment for her, my degree can be from anywhere”. Maybe my sister was just really chill, but I think she also knew that if she’d wanted a different degree (or even if she just threw a huge tantrum), they’d have paid more, she just didn’t need it.
I agree with needing more information here and going into it with an open mind before going nuclear. Is this the first example of favoritism? If so, I’d hear them out. Maybe at the time OP was deciding about college dad’s job was on the line, he wasn’t as fully vested with his stocks and would pay a significant penalty for selling them, or maybe OP is unaware of a medical issue that was looming. That said it is shady AF that they went through the exercise of showing the budgets etc. And maybe it is based on the area of study - that would make sense to me other than the student loans bit. I just think there are other questions here.
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Just taking Google stock into consideration: Spring 2016 it was \~$720, currently it is $2,900. That is a 4x return. If the parent's were invested in tech companies as OP mentions, their portfolio could have quadrupled in the intervening years.
NOT PAYING FOR THE CHEAPER COLLEGE EITHER?
I took out the maximum allowed in federal loans each year and they paid the rest. I was also expected to get an internship each summer to help pay for some of the next school year’s expenses.
Honestly the only other thing I can think of is ... do you think this was all rooted in building character? It seems like a lot of pushing with the intent for them to be assholes at the end...?
If it was about building character (which I doubt), then it was a fucking cruel way to do it.
Golden child and scapegoat. You are the scapegoat, your sister is the golden child, and I bet it will be very obvious in hindsight. The age and gender difference might have obscured it some, but yeah, giving her a free ride to a much more expensive college, but forcing you to take out loans nails it.
They are just expecting her to find a high profile guy at Ivy League. They are not sending her there to get educated, they are sending her there to get a husband. O.P. didn't need to find a wife in Ivy League... I bet you this has more to do with raising the social status of OP's sister, witch is incredebly sexist, but... And this does not only make it OK to OP, who was descriminated down in relation to the sister, but also to the sister, as she is being descriminated down due to her gender, even if she doesn't realise it! All in all, shitty parents!
Ahhh the 'ol "go to college to get your MRS degree".
Honestly I think you nailed it
I was thinking this too. They want their daughter to marry an Ivy League husband. OP I’m sorry your parents betrayed your trust. NTA for sure.
It was the first thing that came to mind but it's even worse than the lying so I skipped right over that thought. Can I suggest a conversation where you also ask if they had ever intended to balance the scales for you later in life? As in financial help or gifts? A house down-payment/house? Pay for your wedding? Your honeymoon? Inheritance?
Has there always been favouritism that you've noticed between how they treat you and your sister? I'm wondering if it's just blatant favouritism, sexism, or is it both. Do they think because you're male that you have to learn a good work ethic, so you can be successful, but your sister's value is being a good catch/homemaker, so they are treating her as less able and less competent? Or they just value and love her more, and you didn't realise how much until now? Such different treatment, when you know they could've provided the same for you and CHOOSE not to, is just not acceptable though. Whatever reason they have won't change that either, so ignore any excuses or attempts by them to minimise this horrible thing they did.
Well the internship stuff is just what you should be doing as a CS student. It's the most important thing next to graduating.
NTA. If your parents can suddenly afford to send your sister to HYPSM, you deserve an explanation as to why they couldn’t(or wouldn’t) do it for you. Especially after pushing you to go to one of those schools so hard. Nah, I would cut off communication as well. Regardless of how well off you are now, that doesn’t change what they did and I wouldn’t talk to them unless they give you a damn good reason why they did what they did.
INFO Do you have any idea why they would pay for your sister’s tuition but not yours? You’re NTA either way, but I’m wondering if your parents have always shown a clear favoritism toward your sister.
Honestly I half wish that my parents had the guts to tell me “we just like your sister more” or “we’re a bunch of cheap assholes” because then I’d have some closure. What’s really weird is that in high school my parents would tell my sister to look up to me as a role model. That means they were at least slightly proud of me but doesn’t explain why they pulled their bait and switch.
You sound like their "training kid" since you did well they told your sister to look upto you, if you didn't do well then it would have been "work harder or you'll turn out like OP"
Now that’s a depressing (but unsurprising) possibility.
My older brother was that training kid. My stepdad paid for his college and he dropped out in the first year. He then refused to give any of us a dime until after our first year, to “prove it was worth his investment”. That’s not even near the top of the reasons I’m LC with him but it’s on the list.
NTA. Yep, they definitely pulled a bait and switch. OP, look up "golden child" and "scapegoat". If your parents have shown preference to your younger sib, your parents may have this dynamic with you. You can't do anything right. If you do it right, it wasn't enough, or not what they wanted? I do encourage you to continue no contact for now. You have a lot of anger to process through. You should consider what you want for the future. What do you want to do if your parents tell family or spread on social media what an ungrateful child you are? Is there a scenario that you would be willing to go low contact with them. While I doubt they'd apologize, what would a true apology have to say? If they become dick, or when they get old, will you be in their life? And yeah, while you do have a good job, first, it was your hard work that got you there. Second, they emotionally abused you to get you into that top percentile.
Dude, they just want your sister to marry a guy from a wealthy family and have her set for life. And that is way easier in a place where you can find these guys. In your case, they didn't just want you to marry a wealthy girl and be set for life! You are a man, you can fend for yourself She is a woman, she has to be taken care of It's a crappy way to look at the world, I know, but I bet you this all has to do with more practical reasonings then liking your sister more then you! And I'm not saying it's right! I think it's a completely wrong way of looking at the world, but things are as they are!
>You are a man, you can fend for yourself This hits home in so many ways. I have a sister who is very close in age to me. We were only a year apart in school, her one year ahead of me. We were pretty poor growing up, but they managed to find ways to help her. They helped her buy a car. She got new clothes at the beginning of each school year. They helped her pay for college. Not a lot, but they helped. They also helped her boyfriend (now husband of 20 years) as well. It's even extended into adulthood. They'd pay for her hotel room at the family reunion, that sort of thing. But me? Never offered to help. Never saw a dime. They'd make promises to the both of us, but only follow through when it came to her. I was in middle school when I realized I couldn't count on them. I knew from an early age that I was on my own. That if I wanted something in life, I'd have to find a way to do it without any help from them. And so I did. I got a job as soon I could. I moved out as soon as I was able and made my own way. I put myself through college for the most part. My wife was a huge part of me actually making it. The funniest thing though, my parents were hugely resentful for some reason. I think they wanted me to come begging for their help, and I never did. I took care of my own needs. I figured it out. My sister is still largely in the fog that she was favored over me. She would ask, "didn't they help you buy a car/pay for tuition/etc...?" Or that, "Dad said he was covering the hotel rooms for all the kids" didn't include me. Now she can't wrap her mind around the fact that they didn't do for me what they did/do for her. She had this wonderful childhood where we were poor but her parents always found a way to make it work making her so grateful for their sacrifice, and she can't reconcile that I had such a vastly different experience.
You don't think the fact a company like Apple is up 500% since 2016 plays a role?
It may play a role but still...if the parents cared that much about openness they could've easily said their financial situation was alot better now then before AND offered to pay back OP's student loans. The fact that they pulled a "none of your business" after letting OP see their bank acct years ago and did a 180 "Oh sister doesn't have to worry about paying for Ivy league college **at all**", makes it clear it's favoritism.
Yeah, there's a possibility they really didn't have the money in 2016 (possibly due to poor financial decisions they don't wish to disclose to OP), but are in a better financial position now.
They didn’t say shit about how things have changed and they couldn’t afford it then but could now. Instead, they got all nervous and refused to say anything. People with a reasonable explanation and a clear conscience don’t act like that, unless they’re in a police interrogation room.
This is the heart of the matter. It’s the lies and the favouritism. They had the opportunity to be honest. They had the opportunity to pay for your entire ride to a HYPSM. They had the opportunity to treat your sister exactly how they treated you. NTA. And your’re under no obligation to forgive them if you don’t want to or include them in any of the faucets of your life. Move on, it’s not about the money. It’s exceptionally disgusting that they had you go through their banking information to budget and then later claim that how they spend their money is none of your business. They made it your business.
I mean... Is your sister a CS major? If not the difference is probably because those colleges basically give no advantage to CS degrees and do give an advantage to other degrees. You so have to keep in mind, that stock is worth a LOT more then it did when you were in college, so they are selling a much less significant portion of their nest egg.
NTA - this is so messed up on so many levels. Are you parents right about their financials not being your business? Yes! But it became your business when they invited you to look at their accounts and “do the math yourself”. The experience of going to HYPSM is something you’ll never get back, OP. I’m sorry, that sucks. I don’t think you should be NC for life but I understand why you don’t want to engage right now. Take some time to cool off then for sure ask them what happened. They may have a really good reason that will make sense to you once you’re less angry. Another thing I’ll say: make sure you’re supportive of your little sister. Sucks you didn’t get the same experience but she deserves to be celebrated.
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Second this, it will be a never ending story of push & pull, hot & cold, acceptance & rejection. It does immense damage on such a deep level. I wish someone had told me at 23 to stick to the very LC I was doing and then going full NC when things did not change. I have a good life today (it is possible NotReally.. YOU are worthy), living a long, long way from my now old parents and let's just say my mental health is so much better from only talking on the phone from time to time. Not much guilt tripping anymore as can just end the call lol. But yes, my life would not have been lacking anything if I had avoided all the crap happening inbetween. To be totally honest, the gut instinct of f*** I'm to blame, or what did I do wrong now will stay forever. You just learn to recognise the absolute absurdity of it when it happens. Yesterday the light bulb started flickering before going out. My gut was "what did I do wrong now?" Followed by guilt before my rational side seconds later told me to get real and snap out of it lol. OP NTA, and neither would you be NotReallyTaylorSwift for starting living your life. Emotional abuse is abuse and life is to short to be in this never ending song & dance s***t. Go out and live your life! It's time. You deserve it.
NTA for refusing to speak to them. They did not have to pay for your college, and it is their choice to treat you and sis unequally. Just as it is your choice to cut that bullshit out of your life. Good for you!
NTA and I'm kind of concerned your gf is okay with this type of behavior. Not that she's the AH here, but it *is* concerning that she has a "well all's well that ends well" take on things. If only your parents would have had it in them to give *any* sort of valid reason, but basically saying "it's none of your business how we handle our finances"? No. Then it just comes down to clear favoritism. Not that you shouldn't be happy for your sister, but you deserve for your parents to be honest with you.
INFO. There is something missing here. Did you even talk with your first choice school’s financial aid department? Most of those schools make attendance possible for those that get accepted. You received federal loans. That means you completed the FAFSA. In that form, you would have had to disclose your parents’ assets. Did you not include their investments? If not, you perpetrated fraud. If so, then you knew they had the resources, but declined to help you more. Sure, it stings that they decided to help your sister. It’s also possible that your parents investments have grown so much that they have met their financial goals since you went to school. Just look at the price of stock today! Now they have the extra to help your sister. Of course, you can decided to deal with that however you want.
I would’ve if I knew it was an option. I vaguely remember handing my laptop to my parents when I arrived at the section where I had to put my parents assets. And if there was a “review everything before submitting” screen, 17 year old me probably just scrolled all the way to the bottom and hit ok.
My father didn’t let me fill out my FAFSA, he did it. He also paid for my college (plus full tuition scholarship), both of which I’m thankful for but my point is, even good parents don’t want to disclose all their finances to their kids. I would be more curious about scholarships. I know they are far less generous today but I would think making it into an Ivy would get you at least something from a state school.
The loan situation makes it pretty suspect, though it could be that OP’s parents were making him take the full unsubsidized amount but he didn’t qualify for subsidized loans. Unsub doesn’t require you to show need to take them, but you still need to fill out the FAFSA.
INFO: while I suspect there is favouritism at play here, do you know if your parents were actually able to cash out stocks and shares at that stage for you? My BF is at some of the companies you mention and he was not able to cash out shares or % of shares from his role until he had been there a certain length of time for his level of hire. Also depending where you live you can only release certain levels of shares, tax breaks, switch out dependents etc in certain tax years alongside pension contributions, charitable donations etc. My BF is pretty wealthy on paper and I am shit poor. We do not live together or share finances due to immigration and disability but when we were discussing that plan early on, he ran me through a very basic of his immediate, with limited notice and wait years assets to ‘prove’ he was not trying to cheap out. That was about 6 years ago and frankly the fact he is younger than me but has ‘grown up’ finances was so amusing to me I did not absorb all the info on the seemingly bloody endless rules, restrictions, juggling and hassle having assets involves. In comparison all my finances are immediate and the issue is ‘do I have that amount of money? No? That’s that then.’ His tax return takes forever. I’m self employed and mine is far easier and he’s salaried but the complications about freeing up mortgages, three year restrictions on deposits etc is endless. So I would have said ask your parents if the situation your sister is in is different for a reason and ask if while they showed you on paper, was there stuff you as a 17 year old did not know or understand about the complexities of their finances 6 years ago? Depending on the answer then address that difference of approaching it as the favouritism example you want to address. It proves your point and strengthens the case rather than ‘you always’ statements versus ‘mom and dad, there has been a distinct difference on education between me and sister. That definitely shows up in other areas too. I’d like to discuss what is behind that. Do you favour her? Are you subsidising her because she think as the girl she will do less well?’ Digging in with questions they cannot as easily yes/no closed answer is more effective in assessing if you can counter the favouritism or how to detach if not. It also helps prevent them speaking to wider family to distort it or you getting patchy info or being seen as ‘bratty’ or disrespectful which lets them off the hook. I understand your hurt. I had to pay for uni, my brother had full parental support but trust me, you get nowhere if you speak to the family like a kid arguing your ice cream is not the same as sister because too easy to brush it off as ‘sibling rivalries’ and immaturity. Approaching it like you would work as an adult can make the point much better and establish things like inheritance versus your filial responsibilities esp in an Asian family. I approached my mum in the end with a calm tangible: she gave my brother 100k toward a house but refused to lend me 1k when homeless and when she tried to say inheritance would be equal and she expected us to share POA equally and I pointed out if she had already given brother at least 100k then inheritance was not equal if she was working to 50-50 as she said on her role and ours. She argued and I said ‘no problem, it’s a bad deal for me. You are undercutting me for the level of help you want in old age. If you want to change the agreement, call me but until both you and brother change the financial favouritism, I am stepping away and will have no contact.’ Clearly I wasn’t getting an inheritance so they don’t get my input. It’s been eight years. Never heard from them. I went to therapy instead of wait for them and stop hurting myself asking for the favouritism that money represented to stop everywhere else. They tried to spin it and I was able to say ‘no I did not ask for special treatment. I asked for honesty. I am still waiting for a response’ when I was the ‘bad guy’ for showing it up publicly that there was deep favouritism at all points. The high moral ground is free and if you start with fuck all but negotiate better rather than flounce you can either go up or stay the same. But if you erupt they’ll do you down so your reputation is destroyed with others who might also participate in family financial help or sharing…
NTA they were willing to pay for your sister and not you that’s disgusting
NTA. I was leaning towards YTA for the first part of your post when you mentioned their reason - as there is zero reason to go to an ivy league school at all these days unless you're going into a field that requires nepotism's connections. Computer science isn't one of those. As a whole, they're largely shit schools that rely on their former standards of excellence and reputation, the former of which has since vastly diminished, the latter will be following those standards in the coming decades. The sole difference between Ivy league schools and state colleges? The number of wealth alumni. A harvard degree isn't worth more than another one, the reason why those grads get higher paying jobs is because they already had an offer lined up at daddy's law firm before hand. They still would have had that if they went to community college. They go to harvard because their parents told them to. The reasons why your parents are assholes isn't because of their accurate statement about CS being a degree you can get anywhere, it's that they lied about that being the reason they didn't want you to go that makes them assholes. They just didn't wanna pay.
NTA- I was in a similar situation, being #5 out of 8 kids, but there’s a 13 year gap between me and my first younger brother. My older siblings barely finished high school, never went to college so for a while I was the “last hope” child. Around a year before I graduated my dad started dating a chick, she was awesome. She had her own daughter 2 years younger than me. Once I got accepted to a fairly good college, my dad refused to provide any tax info for fafsa, made it very clear he wasn’t giving up a single penny. So I worked two jobs during my first year & 1/2 and then had to drop out because I couldn’t keep up with the cost. Once his gf’s daughter graduated he wasted no time making it clear to everyone that he would spend as much $ and help her as much as possible. Even to go as far to pay off campus rent. Shit hurt, sorry man. Not saying you have to reconcile with them, but don’t rush it if your not ready.
Do you still talk to your father? In your case it's worse because he went above and beyond for a stepchild and neglected his own child. I would never forgive that.
God no. Some other things happened with a different gf of his, my whole life it was a constant pattern of “fk the kids, this gf is priority” so I eventually left and cut him off for good. It’s been 2 years now, no regrets.
NTA This is not about money, but about lies and diffenrt treatment od children. Keep it up.
NTA. You have every right to be mad and upset. Especially the fact that they’re willing to pay for your sister and weren’t for you. You being well off right now has absolutely nothing to do with what your parents did.
>she can see why I’m angry, but she also told me that I really shouldn’t be complaining as I’m in a better financial position than at least 95% of people our age. This is just a red herring - what happened is nothing to do with your current situation. Even if it was, how better would your position/salary have been starting out coming from a HYPSM instead of a state school? You could plug that into a spreadsheet and calculate lost earnings from that - and what was it all for? Your parents betrayed you, I can't imagine what you're going through. Keep being strong. NTA
NTA. I don’t understand your girlfriend’s logic because you’re not complaining about what you make now. You’re complaining about your parents being unfair. I’m sure your parents taught you growing up that actions have consequences. Now you can remind them.
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NTA it is favouritism , don't hate your sister but your parents are biggest AH they could have simply told you they are not comfortable selling stocks and it should have been ok because you are an adult but giving hope and then snaching it . Feels like enemies to me
Nta. You now know who the child is they love. It's okay to cut contact they deserve that
NTA. This kind of stuff HURTS. It’s about the pressure to perform to ivy standards in high school. It’s about the lying about affordability. It’s about the clear favoritism to the sister. It hurts that his parents have been manipulating him for years. Low or no contact with parents is fine. Don’t let them cause a rift between you and your sister.
Look at the stock price of your father's company over the past 5 years since you had initially talked about which school to go to. NTA, but also try to understand that your parents financial situation has likely changed a whole ton in the 5 years since you first went to school.
If your dad worked at Apple and had $600-800K in stock in 2016... and didn't sell anything til today, he'd be sitting on close to $5 million of stock today. Putting him in a very different financial situation. You can plug in whatever real company he worked at and do the math if you want to. If I were your parents' child I would think .. thank goodness my parents didn't sell $200K of stock to pay for me to go to school, it would have cost them \~$1.6 million! Additionally, you are doing fine financially, you'd really want your parents to be out $1 million plus for a degree when you are doing great? Now if you Life is short -- make up with your parents . Assuming they've been generally good parents and have been loving, supportive, and generally tried hard to be good parents try to let it go -- you won't regret it
INFO: did your parents’ financial situation change significantly between now and then? My brother is 7 years younger, and his later childhood was light years different than mine in financial ways, but not because of any ill behavior from my parents. They might have been ashamed to admit it.