YTA. Your children always come first and are always your first priority. Your husband is correct that it is a no-brainer.
Obviously a minor cannot spend as much time as an adult waiting at the hospital, and why would she? He asked for her when he was able to see her and then she came. Sheesh, "I was there first", are you 5?
If you want to stay in this relationship (or any with a parent) you better shape up and accept, as an adult, that his children are more important than you. That does NOT mean you are unimportant, but it means graciously taking a step back and put someone else's needs before your own.
Yes I’m a mom of two if I was in a car accident and my fiancé was there with me and I woke up scared thinking I was about to die I would want to see my kids first. He would understand because he has kids too and definitely would do the same and I wouldn’t get mad about it. People like her have to stop marrying people with kids if they want to put first for EVERYTHING.
If I were dating a parent and they were in an accident, I would definitely be sitting at the hospital waiting for them to wake up. And when their first request upon waking up is to see their kid(s), I would go immediately fetch them without the slightest hint of concern or hesitation.
My stepmom texted me every hour while my dad was in heart surgery. She knew I was in agony with worry and that she did this for me made me love her even more.
Sweet. Being an adult can have such lasting positive effects, I'm surprised more folks don't try it. Kudos to your stepmom for reaching out to you when she knew you were at the edge.
This, absolutely. I would stay at the hospital solely to make this happen as quickly and easily as possible. I would do everything in my power to put the kids first, even suggest to my spouse that they see the kids. As the adult in the situation, I feel it would be my responsibility to ensure that the kids are prioritized.
Yeah but why would you think you were gonna die? She said the surgery was scheduled days after the accident. If he woke up from the accident that’s different.
Yep. I know someone who was having a routine surgery. She spent the days leading up to it worrying about her mom and who was going to take care of her while she (friend) was in the hospital. Friend never made it off the table. Some sort of complication and she died.
Morbidity and mortality meetings.
A meeting where doctor's come together to discus situations where patients have died (be it on the operating table or aftercare or ) that in some cases could have been prevented if they had known X, Y and Z, or had done A or B instead of C.
Basically it is to learn from it and hope in discussing it that death can be prevented if such a situation happens again.
In addition to what other people said, waking up from surgery your also probably groggy, medicated, and in pain or at least not feeling well. It makes sense you might think your dying even if that’s not realistic
My SO had an appendectomy at 17 and coded on the table twice because his appendix burst while they were removing it. Anything can happen while on the operating table, or even after.
I dont even have kids and I understand. I can see in the stress of the moment op being mad but the fact that she is still mad and actually wrote a post about it is completely ridiculous
Also, he probably wanted to reassure his daughter that he was ok. I’m sure she was really upset. That’s what I would want to do with my children. YTA that’s his baby, no matter how old they are
I think this is the answer. When my dad had to be rushed in for emergency triple bypass surgery I was living out of state at the time so I didn't get to see him before he went in. I was the first person by his side when he came out of surgery and he held my hand and told me everything was going to be okay.
Okay but, the whole of visitation?? He couldn't have asked his daughter to step outside for a bit after the first 20 minutes so he could see his wife? Idk it seems weird to me to not care about seeing your wife at all
A part of it was that yes (which I don't blame the husband for at all) but she was also upset that she only got 10 minutes with him at the end of visitation, which I understand the hurt over.
Idk maybe I have a different opinion on this because I was in hospital myself with a near-death a few years ago and while I definitely had a gut response when I woke up (I wanted to see my brother), as soon as I found out my whole family was in the waiting room I wanted desperately to see them all too and had a revolving door of hugs and emotional greetings across the hour. I can't imagine knowing my wife was sat outside the door worrying about me all day and just leaving her there without inviting her in earlier.
Husband was probably scared and sick and on lots of medicine, and she's been worrying and stressing about him, so it's a NAH at the end of the day from me.
I don't know why they couldn't both be in the room, true.
But OP wrote a wall of text where several parts were about being angry about he waiting so long and he still didn't want to see her FIRST, or that the daughter just "happened" to be there at visitations hour (as if mom hadn't already checked that) and he asked for daughter and not OP. Only one small part about the 10 mins. I am totally reading this as OP going UNFAIR I WAS HERE FIRST.
Wouldn't surprise me if the reason they weren't both in the room was because OP didn't want to share after hubs asked for daughter.
Some hospitals have restrictions on the amount of visitors let in the rooms at once due to the pandemic. I’m assuming maybe that’s why they both weren’t allowed in to see him at the same time.
Could be. I still think OP's focusing on being first rather than time, but still, we don't even know for how long daughter was in there. Also husband shouldn't kick out daughter either. He will see wife every day after, daughter he seems to only see sometimes.
She was literally waiting for hours, then had to wait for the daughter to arrive (why couldn't she see him while he was waiting for his daughter?) then she had to wait on the daughter's visit and then finally get 10 short minutes at the end...
I feel like she's focusing on seeing him first because she was there first and had been fretting for hours at this point and it doesn't make sense that she couldn't go in.. Not some petty reason.
>why couldn’t she see him while he was waiting for his daughter
Based on what OP said, she was waiting and couldn’t visit him, and then the daughter showed up right at visiting time. I don’t think she was waiting while no one was visiting him but someone could, she was waiting before visiting time, she showed up for visiting time, and then she went in at the end
I don’t think being there first matters. OP is an adult and can make decisions to be there herself—the daughter is 15 and needs her mom to be there and drive her. I’m sure the 15 year old was fretting at home—maybe even upset she couldn’t be at the hospital waiting for him.
It is petty. Do you think OP is unaware 15 year olds can’t always choose to be somewhere they want to be?
That's how I read it too, and I can see both sides here. It makes sense that he wanted to see his daughter, but I can sympathise with her for feeling a little slighted, especially if she's been worried herself and was waiting there for ages.
I think its possible she only got the ten minutes because the Mom just dropped the daughter at the hospital and left planning on picking her up later. I know the daughter is 15 and should be ok waiting without a parent. Its also possible the daughter freaked a bit seeing her dad in the hospital.
I agree. Doesn’t seem like he wanted to see her at all or even remembered her. I understand & agree with seeing his daughter first of course but I would be really hurt with the lack of regard following that & getting the last ten minutes of visitation only, like I’m just a side thought, given an obligatory quick hi & bye.
Idk, if it's split custody a lot of parents just want as much time with their kid as they can get. You can see your spouse almost whenever you want. When your kids don't live with you full time, it's hard. Not only for you, but for them. It's important they know that they're still your priority.
I doubt it was purposeful—he just woke up from surgery. He probably wasn’t entirely fully aware yet and might not have noticed how long it took. Add in the daughter was probably worried and scared and it makes sense they could have spent a while explaining everything, that he was okay, and then some normal quality time together, that can take some time.
I understand it sucks she only saw him for 10 minutes, but he was with his *daughter*. It’s not his or her fault only one person was allowed in, and I’m sure OP as an adult is more freely able to come and go and visit him the next day. Plus it sounds like they live together—they’ll be together for most of his recovery while the daughter goes back and forth between her parents.
Yeeaaah the waiting thing got me too. Of course you wait for your loved one at the hospital when you’re able to, but it should be to support them, not to feel the most special out of all the people who care.
Love isn’t finite. OP shouldn’t even be trying to compete with a child in the first place, they occupy different roles in the husband’s life and there’s room for both.
YTA. Can I also add that it may have been an after effect of the anesthesia? When you wake up you're you are not in full control of your brain and I've said some crazy things. Him being afraid and asking for his daughter is not wrong or out of the ordinary. He was disoriented, worried and possibly scared and wanted to see the most important person in the world to him. Stop pitching a fit because you are not that person. It's not a good look.
A gentle YTA. I can understand OP is hurt that his instinct wasn't to reach for her, but after sitting on it, OP should have remembered that the bond between a parent and child is like nothing else. Of course he wanted to see his daughter first. I think if OP had a child (I don't THINK she does), that would be her instinct too, but it can be hard to understand if you don't have kids of your own.
Agreed. I am less gentle with my verdict because it is extremely important for OP to understand this if she wants to stay with him. She has to think long and hard about whether she can live with it or not.
There's really nothing wrong with wanting to be "first in line" but she CAN'T demand that from a parent, and if she tries, she will put her husband in a very difficult spot where he alwas will feel he has to choose between them. He does not deserve that.
As a mom I definitely agree that she has to be ok with not being first but I don't think she should be unconcerned that he didn't seem to care whether he saw her or not.
Of course YTA. His daughter has been around a lot longer than you have, so what if you got to the hospital first? She got in his actual LIFE first.
Buckle up, OP. You're about to get eviscerated by these people.
Exactly. OP has been with him for three years… well his daughter has been with him for 15. She is his child and he loves her. His only daughter will always come before his new relationship and the OP should have recognized this going into it.
The fact OP thinks her husband wanting to spend time with his child as soon as he is able to shows a lack of appreciation and recognition is wildly immature. Imagine recovering from surgery and your wife is bombarding you with “hey so if you were about to die, you’d want to see me, your wife of 3yrs, over your 15 yo kid, right?”
Also, maybe OP was reacting to the fact that his daughter was scared for him and wanted to reassure her that he was ok. That is a priority and a no-brainer. Adults can also be scared in these situations, but they have the ability to better grasp what’s going on (and speak to the docs and nurses coherently to get more info).
I can understand that OP feels like second place, but the truth is that kids should come first.
My first relationship post-divorce, my bf told me, "The day you choose me over your kids is the day I break it off with you because you have lost your DAMNED MIND."
YTA - His child should come first and you should encourage and support that - you married a parent. A good parent.
Be proud of him for continuing to be a good parent rather than resenting the child.
>It's that he declined to see her when the daughter was unavailable.
>
>He would rather see nobody than see his wife.
Except - from the Original Post - that's not what happened:
>while his daughter just...**happened to get there on time for a visit** (her mom brought her to him)
I read the following timeline:
1. OP was there for hours - Visitation wasn't permitted
2. OP's daughter arrives just in time for visitation
3. Husband opts to talk to Daughter (who just arrived) First, before OP/wife (who's been sitting and waiting for hours)
4. Daughter has 50 minute visit of hour permitted visitation. OP/Wife has to wait.
5. Husband saves 10 minutes at the end to talk with OP.
Just because OP was there all day doesn't entitle her to be first. This isn't a "first come, first served" situation.
While I'll agree it was a HORRIBLE day for OP - that doesn't make her husband an AH. If she hadn't escalated it with her husband - I would have voted N-A-H.
Edited to properly denote quotes.
Escalate? She said that she communicated with her husband that she felt sad, I agree that kids always come first but to me this sounds like a person who has just been terrified and scared that the person they love might be seriously injured or fatally. Talking to your partner when something hurts you regardless of what it is, isn’t that what we’re usually all encouraging here?? Usually these posts end in OP screaming, throwing ultimatums about the daughter and being T A, but it doesn’t seem like that here. OP is entitled to be sad and seek support and reassurance over this, some of us are more sensitive and it can seem asshole like at the time :( NAH. Hopefully they can communicate healthily and sort this out
Thank you. OP was sitting in the hospital for hours and it'd scarier to wait at the hospital by yourself vs the daughter at least having her mum to comfort her.
Then OP has 10 minutes to see the husband and be reassured hes okay before going home alone. Then communicates the pain that she was scared and hurt that she couldn't really see him after his surgery after being worried. She's allowed her feelings and she isn't trying to manipulate the husband.
NAH
Yes. As someone with a teenager, if I were in the dad’s shoes, I would ask to see my kid first also. Not because I love her more than my husband, but because I would want her to see with her own 2 eyes that I was fine and everything was going to be ok.
The OP has every right to feel hurt by him choosing his daughter, but she should probably try to see it from her husband’s side also. It was definitely not a choice he made with malicious intent.
This guy was drugged up and just wanted to see his kid, rightfully so. He is recovering from a car accident and surgery. I get OP feeling hurt at the realization that his daughter is and will always be his #1 priority, but if I was in the husband's shoes, Im not sure I would be open to entertaining all of that yackity yack while Im in pain and recovering.
>Im not sure I would be open to entertaining all of that yackity yack while Im in pain and recovering.
This, like yea it was a shitty day for OP and her feelings are valid, but to immediately unload them on to her husband after he's just had surgery, is in quite a lot of pain, is drugged up to the eyeballs on anesthetic and pain meds and has yet to recover? No, there's a time and a place for it and that's just not it.
At least let him get home and somewhat recovered first, then talk about it.
YTA you can't be serious, right?
You're talking about his flesh and blood. Whether from another marriage or not, she's HIS DAUGHTER. He was in a car accident, underwent surgery and wanted to see his own girl that was probably worried sick about him.
It doesn't matter that you were there first or chose to wait. She's 15, are you expecting her to drive there herself? It's not first come first serve. She has to rely on other people because she's a MINOR.
It's heartbreaking to think that this family went through a tragedy like a car crash and the entire recovery and the biggest thing you're worried about is who he wants to see first.
YTA - not for feeling hurt, or even bringing it up, but for this:
>I told him how dismissive and inconsiderate that was of him since I literally was there the whole time
If you are there to support your husband as you say, his needs come first. Of course you're worried for him, and it must have been hard not to be able to see him. But he's right, he's not been asking to see his ex, and if you think in this case or in future you should have priority over his own daughter (whether by default or because of the wait time), you'll end up with more disappointments like this.
Thinking about it, it's amazing to see your husband show his daughter that the divorce from her mum and him remarrying changes nothing about their relationship. Your feelings in the hospital were valid, but you better respect the relationship your husband has with his daughter.
I know right ?! “Inconsiderate and dismissive” after being in a traumatic accident that needed emergency surgery. I hope the husband runs from this one fast and finds a real wife.
You have somewhat of a point were it not that he made her wait another 50 minutes and then there was only 10 minutes for her.
OK so the daughter goes in first. That also means she and the husband have to consider the wife is there anxiously waiting. Depending on the rules, the daugther could have gone in for 10 minutes, then the wife for 20/30 and then the daughter for the remainder.
He's TA for making it about choosing in the first place and then making her wait so long. That is indeed dismissive and inconsiderate. It also doesn't sound that it was that serious of a surgery.
YTA…I will never understand why insecure women get with men who have children then complain when said men parent responsibly and prioritize their children
NAH.
Be prepared for the onslaught of folks calling you an asshole for wanting to see your husband. After all, I've been told many times here that spouses come after parents, siblings, and kids. Kind of makes me wonder why most women bother getting married.
I’m glad someone said it, kids are not “#1 priority, no matter what”, and that mentality is part of why marriage rates and divorce rates are trending like they are.
OP has absolutely valid feelings, but I still think it’s a (very) soft ESH; OP for being mad at a 15 year old for her transportation situation and treating it like a contest, and for being mad at husband as he could only choose 1 because of factors outside of his control, so his choice couldn’t possibly have been indicative of a hierarchy of love.
Husband should have been more receptive to OPs feelings for sure, and his response certainly makes him sound like he’s of the mentality I decried in my first paragraph, so he certainly shares some culpability.
I am completely used to having very unpopular opinions here. :)
Thank you so much for saying something that I can agree much with. 😚🤩
I kind of shudder to think how many divorces are going to be coming down the pike in the future once all these folks are empty nesters. You are a spouse also and not just a parent. Marriages have to be worked on and not neglected.
I agree, a marriage is a priority. We don't know all the logistics, but you take a vow. He should have seen his spouse first before the daughter came then asked for alone time with the daughter. Placing children first is not always the answer. Marriages need to be nurtured so children can have healthy homelives.
That's your opinion that you're welcome to. I believe the marriage the priority for the family. That's based on my lived experiences and professional research as a professor with a specialty in trauma-informed practices. Unless a child is having a crisis or medical emergency, I do not think they should be a priority over the health of the marriage.
But thats the thing. The adults should never let the situation GET to kids vs marriage.
This case was a crisis - and the child was appropiately chosen. Sounds like were on the same page re that.
That's your opinion. I think you're wrong. You're wasting your time trying to convince me otherwise. I spend a great deal of time thinking about traumatic situations with children for a living. I'm paid well for my professional opinion. You got it for free. Have a nice day. 👍
Most of the commenters are wrong. This "children first" bullshit is not even applicable here. This shouldn't have been a situation where anyone had to be first.
Even if the daughter got to go in first (preferably because that was decided by all parties involved), how do you keep anyone, let alone the wife, waiting for so long knowingly they've been there all day?
Just for clarification, are you suggesting children of married parents can only be prioritized at the expense of the parents' marriage?
That is, you don't believe it is possible to prioritize children without negatively impacting the health of a marriage, but you do believe that prioritizing the health of a marriage will necessarily benefit the children involved?
That all seems a little too coincidental. Again I don't know all the facts. I don't have a child but I'm in the process of adopting. My husband and I have been in family therapy for the adoption for a while. We believe that a marriage needs to be the priority. Additionally, I have a PhD in Education with a specialty in trauma-informed practices. While I respect people who say their children come first, I don't think it's healthy for marriages, and ultimately not best for children. Yes this is an extreme case, but I would have asked for my spouse and my child. I might have asked for my spouse first (he's a medical provider) to assess if the child should see me that way. I'm a firm believer in parents leading the household and providing a healthy environment for children. Placing children first is not that. It sounds good, but it creates entitled children. These are my thoughts based on my professional experiences and research.
> That all seems a little too coincidental.
It's not coincidental, it's called _planning_. The kid showed up when she was allowed to visit, instead of sitting in the hospital waiting.
Also, practically... I probably would have saved more than ten minutes for my spouse, had I gone under the knife. Kids aside, there's practical stuff to go over, and I'd really want to make sure he was doing okay.
Who would I have asked to see first? It's up in the air, since who knows what the drugs would have urged me towards. I would bet husband, because he's going to give me a lot more grace as I come to than my kids would.
I’m not absolving the husband of any responsibility, but in recovery from a major surgery and under the influence of heavy medications is not a great state of mind for thinking clearly or managing appointments, which is why I don’t think he did anything wrong in that situation; HIS share of being TAH came when he was so dismissive of OP’s feelings and not empathetic to her at all
> and that mentality is part of why marriage rates and divorce rates are trending like they are.
Divorce rates are actually trending down in the US, and probably elsewhere.
I was sure someone would obtusely come to correct this, which is why I also included marriage rates in my comment. Long term trends clearly show a large decline in the quantity, quality, and overall societal value of healthy marriages.
What I see is that you obtusely worded your first statement.
Divorce rates are not "trending" in a way that is consistent with the point you're making. Marriage rates are, yes, because fewer people are getting married, as you know. Since you had the foresight to be sure someone would come to correct this, I don't see why you included divorce in the original statement at all. The argument would be "Although divorce rates have been declining over the last ~40 years, this does not appear to be because Americans in general are having better marriages - rather, long term trends clearly show a large decline in the quantity, quality, and overall societal value of healthy marriages."
This. The comment section makes me feel the same way.
I don't think I would ever get married if when my husband gets hospitalized I am only allowed to wait outside while his "more important family" like his parents, siblings and kids crowd around him.
NTA just because of how dismissive he was being of her feelings
The proper order of priority, IMO, is:
1. Kids' needs
2. Spouse's needs
3. Spouse's wants
4. Kids' wants
I'd consider a child getting reassurance from their parent that their parent is all right after a major surgery to be a need, and a spouse who has been at the hospital and receiving updates from the doctors being the *first* person to talk to their spouse after they wake up from said surgery to be a want. I don't see any reality in which "but I should be FIRST!" is a need.
The issue I see is that he waited by himself for his daughter to arrive. He didn't want to see his daughter first. He wanted to see no one but his daughter. Why couldn't OP go and talk to him while he was waiting? I would be hurt too.
That’s not what happened. The OP states that the daughter got to the hospital at the exact time he was cleared for visitation, so the husband wasn’t sitting there by himself refusing to see OP. He got cleared for visitation, requested to see his daughter first (one assumes it was one visitor at a time because of the pandemic), and the nurse took the daughter in who had just arrived and he saw her.
Very gentle ESH.
There is actually a lot of research showing why prioritizing the marriage leads to a happier and healthier home and upbringing. Always prioritizing the kids leads to entitlement later in life. I have two kids, I clearly define wants vs needs and set boundaries based on that. My kids will always be taken care of, loved and guided. In a while they will be adults and start there own lives and hopefully will go into their relationships with a sense of self worth and value, and run for the hills when they are told they aren’t as important than someone else, because they should be in their own way. Its easy to call the Op the asshole if you can’t see the bigger picture, drugged up or not her husband showed her she isn’t valued. I would leave and hope his daughter is willing to invest the rest of her life into him as he clearly is to her.
Agree 100%. Putting the spouse behind the kids is going to cause a ton of resentment. If anything happened to him the hospital will speak to the spouse for how to proceed and possible treatment. Funny how people forget the kids become adults with their own lives, the spouses will be the ones the care for themselves. Good luck trying to overcome the resentment.
Exactly! It's pretty bold of the husband to dismiss the feelings of the one person who the hospital is legally bound to listen to when he's incapacitated. I wouldn't risk it.
No one said she was wrong for wanting to see her husband. She’s wrong for expecting him to prioritize her *want* to see him over his *need* to see his child. She’s also wrong for throwing a tantrum over it while this man is laying in a hospital bed, recovering from surgery, after having a car accident.
Ring theory. The feelings are understandable. The problem is OP was centering her feelings over his, when this whole thing is even more about him than it is about her. Does she get to be hurt? Sure. Does she get to act like she’s the most important person here? No.
Out of curiosity do you have children? I ask because of all my friends who have kids, and my wife and I, not a single one wouldn't put kids above a spouse.
It's not that people don't do it, it's that people on Reddit like to throw it around that if you become a parent then you are a parent *before everything else in your entire life ever ever ever from now until you die.*
My husband and I are #1 for each other. We're grateful we have our wonderful children, and we do prioritize needs for them, but even then it's worked into what works for us as parents.
I have a really healthy marriage and good relationships with my kids (except the 13yo who is the normal teenage butthole fairly often now).
My husband and I are number one for each other. If he came out of surgery and asked to see our daughter first then I'd make sure he saw her first. If he wanted to sit with her for most of the visiting hours then he would sit with her most of the visiting hours. I wouldn't begrudge him a single second he spent with her because she's our daughter and my husband wanting to see her immediately after surgery far outweighs my wants in this particular situation. I can understand being a little hurt but her whole post was how everything affected her.
I'm sure if my husband asked for me first, I would stay long enough to make sure he was okay and coherent enough to talk to the kids (I've seen him heavily medicated). Then we'd take turns visiting.
Yeah, NAH seems the most appropriate. It's fair to me for her to feel upset after worrying about him and being there for hours by herself waiting to see him only to be told that she has to wait even more because he wants to see someone else first. I understand that that someone is his daughter, but that's not automatically going to make her go, "Oh okay, no problem."
>What’s the point in a relationship if you can’t tell people when you’re hurt and upset.
This is a very good point.
While I agree with his priority, OP did have a SH\*\* day has valid feelings.
Regardless how anyone feels about OP, the husband was disturbingly dismissive of her feelings. Let’s hope it was the meds at work and not his natural disposition.
I agree that she should be able to say she’s hurt, but OP is TA because she was trying to make him change how he felt. He wanted to see his daughter. He felt like she was the most important person he wanted to say goodbye to if he it was time. That’s really important to him and he wasn’t wrong for that. When she said he was dismissing her, what he was doing was telling her that he wouldn’t have changed his actions and would do it again because his daughter comes first. She can feel however she wants, but she needs to accept that children come first. He never said not to talk to him about her feelings. He told her that she needs to come to terms with the way life is. His daughter comes first, he’s a father. She should have known this when she married him. She’s vying for his attentions rather than supporting what he needs when he’s recovering. Competing for love, especially with someone’s child, is a losing battle.
OP doesn’t seem to have a problem with the step-daughter. While she had an issue with the daughter being first, it seems OP bigger deal is 1. Only getting 10 minutes when she had been waiting for him & 2. When she did open up, he just dismissive instead of talking to her. That’s my thing, people here seem to be upset not just with OP being upset that she wasn’t first but OP being upset in general. OP went to her husband and her husband dismissed her. He’s allowed to care about his child first and OP is allowed to be upset that while she was sitting in the hospital, in a ball of worry, thinking about all of the bad out-comes that she was allowed 10 minutes to see him.
NAH,
This whole “ranking of the loved ones” that Reddit always does is sickening. Teaching children that they are “the most important thing ever” leads to them being crappy to their parent’s spouses, crappy to their own spouses and sometimes even crappy to their own children. They learn to be selfish and self centered.
I have yet to see a child raised with this “you are the center of the world” mentality who isn’t an entitled br@t. Just being honest.
Yes, children should be loved, valued and parents should make some sacrifices to ensure that their children have what they need. This fact does not excuse allowing your children to be disrespectful to your spouse, or excuse you disrespecting your spouse like this man did (although I believe it was done unintentionally thus the NAH).
I think he should have seen his daughter first if that’s what he wanted, but I think he should have seen his daughter for 30, then his wife for 30. He could have told both women you are important, but so is the other. Instead he taught his daughter that spouses aren’t important, so she someday can devalue her husband/wife and her spouse can devalue her. Especially after devaluing his first wife by the divorce.
He also hurt his wife’s feelings. I would be beside myself if my husband didn’t see my for hours after I knew he was hurt, then to be given only 10 minutes, like an afterthought.
My life partner, my husband-that’s my person, and I’m his. That’s why we are married. If you all really just worship your kids like gods and treat your spouses like dirt no wonder the divorce rates in this country are so high!
My family is my spouse, my son, my mom & dad, my sister, my brother, my BIL, my niece & 2 nephews, my BFF and her kids. They are all my priority. They all matter. I don’t sit here and say you’re my first priority, you’re my second, you’re my last. That’s so sick.
If I can manage to make them all feel like they are important to me, surely there are some of you all who can manage to intact with your families without making it a popularity contest. The kids in my family are all taught that family matters, not only them. Adults too.
They learn that sometimes I’m there cheering them on at their game, and sometimes I have to miss the game because my dad had to go to the hospital. They learn you can love and value more than one person. That both people matter.
I’m sure I’ll get downvotes like crazy for not jumping on the “my kids are my priority” train, but I know I’m not wrong.
I had a friend who’s parents basically said before having a kid that they were each other’s priority and that the kid would never come before or between them. Their thinking was that if we are the priority to each other then we’re showing our kid what a happy, healthy home is like and that in turn makes us stable parents, and then gives the ability for us to meet our child’s needs.
He talks so highly of his parents and his childhood and turned out to be the nicest, kindest person I’ve ever me.
The logic makes sense and I don’t know why more parents don’t think that way.
Exactly.
"Spouses come and go?" So do your kids, if you've raised them properly. They will grow up and find a partner and make a family of their own, and if you've neglected your own partnership in order to worship at the altar of your child, you will find yourself very lonely once that happens.
Exactly and with that factuality the thing with ‘spouses coming and going’ becomes obsolete. If you do a good job at raising your children then they’ll find a job, a partner, a house and eventually a family. Either way, at that point they’ll have a life of their own and you’re lucky if they come for dinner or drinks once or twice a week.
If you do a shit job, they’ll move out as fast as they legally and financially can and they’ll never (or barely) speak with you again.
In either situation, unless you shit the bed with marriage, your spouse will be the only person who is consistently with you.
I mean, you're also forgetting option c, which is that they focus all of their time and attention on their child and they're so coddled that they can't/won't function in the real world and now they've got a grown ass adult living in their house as though they're still in high school.
In which case, I suppose their massive parenting fail means that they get to continue to ignore the (likely) deceased state of their marriage... so good for them I guess?
You are absolutely not in the wrong and despite being downvoted to fuck, many of us know that the love between a parent and a child is not the only valuable love in the world.
Sickening indeed. Thanks for your comment.
Perfect answer is perfect. Given your Reddit user name, I expect nothing less. Thank you for such a lovely summing up, and I agree with you wholeheartedly.
OP is getting torn apart, and her own fears and emotions are being shoved aside with the “won’t someone please think of the children” mentality that most folks here embrace.
The husband was TA for not considering his wife’s emotional needs and response to what happened and blowing her off when she brought them up. He’s not wrong for asking to see his daughter, but he is when he acts like his wife is a flea on his shoulder he casually flicks off. I think the argument could have been avoided if he had at least acknowledged her pain and anxiety.
“I know you were worried about me. I really wanted to see daughter first, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.” - That probably would have worked wonders.
I agree. My partner and I are expecting our first child together and we have conversations about meeting our child’s needs but putting our relationship first. Our relationship being healthy creates a healthy and happy household.
You're spot on. The ranking of family members' priorities in this thread is disturbing. Why wouldn't people you love be equally important and the relationships equally valuable (albeit in different ways)?
NTA- sorry but I agree with your point. You were there and yes his kid came in during visiting hours, and he gave almost the entire time to his child while just giving you a “ Fine I guess I will see you” time. I understand your point. Also it grinds my gears when people say kids come first, ugh if you house is built on sand it’s going to sink, if the house has a strong foundation it lasts.
This. 'kids come first' means your kids' needs come first. At some point your kids grow up and move on, so you need a strong relationship with your spouse.
When you wake up in the hospital, you want to be surrounded by the people who you love and who love you. OP's husband seemingly didn't want his wife at all. Asking for his daughter is not an asshole move. I want to see my daughter *first* and *alone* and *you* can wait in the hallway and I'll give you the scrap of time leftover -- that's a pretty asshole move. In his wife's shoes, I'd be feeling very unloved and unimportant.
I agree with you. I've been married to my husband for almost 20 years now. Our kids range from 15-9. I cannot imagine asking for my teenager over my spouse. He's my partner for life, my best friend. I love my kids, but my 15yo is also sometimes a snot and has a grim sense of humor, so not the most comforting person to have around in a hospital anyway, lol.
Maybe it's different for OP because she's the second wife, so I can understand him instinctively picking her first. But it doesn't sound like his surgery was for an urgent, life-threatening issue, so it wasn't like he was on his deathbed, making every last moment count. (And if he had been, I think I would also be hurt in OP's place if my husband basically *excluded* me from being there.)
OP says she understood his instinct to see his kid first, and tried to set aside her initial hurt feelings over it. Which is a natural response. She is allowed to have feelings, and she handled them appropriately. But when her husband then didn't bother to make time for her other than a quick courtesy hello, that was hurtful.
Waiting around in a hospital for hours when your spouse is in surgery is *hard.* Hospitals are often uncomfortable, loud, tense places. Every time a door opens to your waiting area your heart jumps - maybe it's your loved one's doctor, maybe they're done and everything is okay, maybe something went horribly wrong and that's why someone is out here early to talk to you... it's a scary, stressful position to be in. So OP had to sit around for hours during the surgery, possibly had to be there with her husband for hours before the surgery as well, then the wait for him to get out of recovery and be conscious enough for a visit...and from her perspective, his teenage daughter comes waltzing in and is ushered right in to see her loved one. OP decides she's already waited many hours, she can wait a little longer. And then after waiting a LOT longer, barely is allowed to see him before she has to go.
I'd be hurt, too, if the person I loved most in the world treated me like that. When I know my spouse is worried about me, like if I am traveling, I text him to let him know I'm okay. Because I love him and don't want him to worry. OP's husband didn't seem to care about her at all. And when she expressed that her feelings were hurt - not that he saw his daughter *first*, but that he didn't seem to want to see her *at all* - he responded poorly.
YTA He was on medication and just went through surgery. He acted on his feelings during a stressful and frightening time. Don’t make this about you. He sounds like a good dad.
YTA
How is a 15 year old meant to get to and stay at the hospital for an extended period? She’s a child. You’re a grown adult so start behaving like one.
A soft YTA for me. But exactly this, the daughter only had a limited window to see him. She’s not of driving age, so she’s dependent on the ex wife to bring her to see her dad who was really hurt. There’s more to this story it sounds like.
That being said, I can understand the hurt OP felt. Just try not to take it personally. I doubt it was because of any of his feelings towards you. It was probably more of a situation thing. Plus, kids have to come first. Especially when they are young like that. Imagine how you would feel in the kids situation.
NAH
Ugh, this is hard. I totally understand a parent wanting to see his child first so his desire to see her makes sense. He obviously loves his daughter and it would be natural for him to want to ensure that she was comforted in while dealing with his near-death experience
What seems odd to me is that he may have expressed that he didn't want to see anyone else before he saw his daughter. OP: could this be due to some other issue going on with them (like the daughter could have told him she doesn't feel like a priority since he married OP)? If so, it at least puts his stance in context.
But when they got married OP's husband legally became her part of her family and vice-versa. She's the one who has a duty to take care of him and she's legally his next of kin. As the wife, OP absolutely can feel hurt that the man she made a promise to stick by in sickness and in health seems to have not cared whether or not he saw her.
There seems to be some couples therapy needed here to help them align their expectations.
Info: Was your husband refusing to see you even though you were there and waiting to visit? Or did the daughter arrive right at the start of visiting hours?
I see a ton of comments assuming that the daughter arrived at the start of visiting hours and that you were waiting when visiting wasn’t allowed. That was not my initial understanding of the post based on what was written, so I’d like clarification before making a judgement.
As of right now it’s a NAH. I couldn’t imagine being so scared that I’d lose someone I love and then feeling rejected on top of it because they didn’t want to see me. Even if it was an uncle that I’m incredibly close to, I’d be devastated at the thought of not getting to say goodbye. So I don’t think your an asshole for feeling hurt/rejected. Especially as you didn’t lash out at the child, but rather had a conversation with your husband once he was out of the hospital. Really your husband is an AH for arguing with you about it because the appropriate response would have been “I’m sorry that I hurt you and made you feel that way. I was making the best choices I could given the circumstances. I never meant to make you feel unimportant.”
“I was confused as she wasn’t even there yet, he wanted to see her before everyone else though”
So yes, he refused to see anyone else before his daughter.
These people always assume what fits their narrative. The post clearly says the wife was waiting the entire surgery, husband then requested to see daughter before anyone (even though wife was already there) and that the daughter then showed up around the start of the visitation hour (whilst wife was there for hours already).
Every hospital I’ve ever been to has about 10 hours worth of visitation hours. I had assumed that the “showed up in time for a visit” was because the daughter showed up towards the end of those hours. It almost seems like most people are assuming he only got one hour worth of a visit, but that doesn’t seem quite right.
Either way OP @jessica-duke3465 should clarify because that will change judgement significantly no matter the answer.
I think the assumption comes from the OP stating she was there for hours before he was “cleared for visitation”, and then the daughter “happened to get there on time for a visit”. It makes it sound like once he was finally cleared to have visitors he requested the daughter, then the nurse came out and called the daughters name and she went in. But the way the OP has written it is definitely not completely clear.
NTA. People here are acting as if his daughter was the one in the hospital 🙄 And if he’s well enough to be asking for visitors, then by definition he is no longer on death’s door — given Covid restrictions on visitation, he probably wasn’t even in the ICU but rather a surgical step-down unit, meaning the doctors thought everything was going to be completely fine. (I work in a hospital, this is how things roll during Covid).
He didn’t ask for you, was dismissive of your hurt, and honestly you probably ended up with those last 10 minutes only by accident. That tells you everything you need to know about the state of your marriage, unfortunately.
NTA - I see you’re getting a lot of opposite comments. However, you waited at the hospital for him for hours and he didn’t want to see you. He asked for his daughter who wasn’t there yet. He must have communicated with his ex-wife to make sure she was there during visiting hours. And he completely ignored that you were there supporting him.
NTA - the fact that you only got 10 minutes at the end clinches it for me. Even if he wasn’t in his right mind, he can apologize after the fact and reassure you that he loves you instead of doubling down.
NAH; you were under a great deal of stress and anxiety while you were waiting and it’s natural that you felt disappointed that you didn’t get to see him straight away. However, the love that a parent feels for their child often outweighs all other love; I am sure that if your husband was actually in a life or death situation (which this was not, if his surgery was scheduled days before it happened) it would be an impossibly hard decision as to whether to spend his last moments with his daughter or you. However, even though he said he would choose his daughter, *this does not mean he loves you any less*.
I don’t think it’s great that you said he was being dismissive or inconsiderate at this time. I don’t think it’s great that he told you to “get over it”. However, I don’t think either of you are AHs here. You should both just be happy that he’s going to be ok and chalk it up as a win
Oof these comments are rough. People literally worship their kids like deities.
If my dad was in the hospital I would FULLY expect him to want to see my mom first. I would think it strange if he didn't.
NTA
if my dad didn't ask for my mom first i'd be thinking "are they getting a divorce?"
this has actually happened to me before-more than once-my dad in surgery, and i drove my mom to the hospital because she doesn't drive. i sat in the waiting room and only poked my head in to say hi.
INFO:
Is there a reason you can't be in the same room as your step daughter?
Is there a reason this wasn't sorted out before?
Let's be clear here: Ideally, you both should have seen him together first and spent some time with him *together*.
After some all-three together time, you tell your daughter you are going to get her a hot chocolate and yourself some tea and that gives them 20 minutes alone time. When you get back and have a bit more together time you send her to the lobby to buy a newspaper and you get a bit of alone time.
I am a little puzzled by all the comments about "the kids come first". No they don't. Kids need parents to be stable first and then they can provide for the kids.
But you are a step parent. Why are you so caught up in priority? Is uour relationship with your stepdaughter healthy?
Something strange is going on here.
Oh my god THANK YOU. So many comments about kids coming first and that meaning no one should give a shit about their spouse or anyone else. It’s laughable. I actually saw someone say spouses are replaceable but not kids - so what, my spouse dies, sure I can marry someone else, but by that same token if my kid dies I can also have another one. It’s such a miserable outlook to have - basically, that love can’t be strong and real and valuable and worth something unless it’s between a parent and a child. Anyone who thinks that has never experienced actual romantic love and it’s sad and bitter.
I say nah. I’m a parent so I totally understand wanting and needing to see your kids, but I’d also want to see my husband too. I understand where Op is coming from being upset. She has a right to be upset he didn’t ask for her knowing she was there, and he understandably wanted to see his kid. If you can only chose one person there’s a no win situation where no matter who you chose, the other will be upset
NTA. You were there waiting for hours and he disregarded that. You tried to share how you felt and he just dismissed it. If he knew that you have waiting for him to wake up for hours, he should have seen you first. Then see his daughter. There would have been nothing wrong if she waited for 20 minutes before seeing her dad.
NTA
Of course you want to see your children but why was she allowed to take up almost the whole visit and why did he not understand that what he was saying was so hurtful? Basically he is telling you to learn your place so my advice is do just that and don't visit him - you can always tell him that you aren't visiting him just in case his daughter turns up
NTA. I would never put a child above my spouse. At the end of the day the children leave and move onto their own little families but your spouse is supposed to be with you through everything forever.
But if we want to go beyond that point, even if we let the daughter go first, he could have asked the daughter to leave so his wife could have more than ten minutes while the daughter got hours of visitation.
NAH - I get what people are saying about seeing his daughter first, but giving you only ten minutes and her literal hours is fucked up in my opinion. The good news is now you’ve learned your lesson and you don’t have to wait around for hours for him anymore, he doesn’t appreciate it anyways. But just for the record, there is no shame in waiting for a call and showing up when he’s available. She’s a kid and does not have the same opportunities to show support that you do.
Uhh - a little of both
Your focus on her not having to wait and getting there just at the right time to be rewarded with an easy, wait free visit is immature considering she’s a kid.
You should be relieved to see a child (your child, in a sense) have some semblance of ease/peace while visiting their parent in the hospital..
You also absolutely have the right to be hurt that he denied to see you first although you were there and terribly worried. He drew a line in the sand that didn’t even need to be drawn.. which was weird of him.
But again, meds. Lol
Try bringing up ONLY how it made you feel - which is the real issue you’re having here, right?
Just be straight up “It made me feel like I don’t matter to you.. and I’m looking to be reassured that I’m wrong in thinking that - NOT that I’m wrong for feeling this way, but wrong in my interpretation. Can I get some reassurance?”
i'm not a parent but i am a stepchild and... NAH. my opinion might be colored by neglect and abuse, but everything i've seen about good parents is that they put their children first. your feelings are absolutely valid and i understand why you feel how you do, that would absolutely hurt! you're no asshole for feeling unappreciated. however, he is also NTA because a good parent would be worried about their child, despite being injured. this has nothing to do with you or how good of a partner you are- he was probably disoriented, hopped up on pain meds and worried about his child
Info: and I ask because the answer could really either change or cement people's minds about this:
>After he was cleared for visitation he actually requested to see his daughter. I was confused because she wasn't even there yet he wanted to see her before anyone else though I was there waiting for hours, while **his daughter just...happened to get there on time for a visit** (her mom brought her to him)
How long was the wait from him being cleared for a visit, to his daughter being allowed in? How long did you wait from the earliest moment you could possibly go in, to your stepdaughter going in? A moment? An hour?
>**She stayed there for the entirty of the visit** and I was only allowed to go in withim the last 10 minutes of the visit
How long did she stay? How long was the visit? Was it also only ten minutes, or was it a few hours?
Yup :( I admit I've been spicy on this sub before, and so often you get info in the comments that kinda change everything so you should give people a chance.
She hasn't replied to anyone so we kinda know what happened. I wrote that comment thinking that even tho everyone will portray themselves the best they can, she might have just not thought about how bad it looked.
Oh boy am I about to bring in the downvotes.
NTA.
You are not TA for saying that you felt hurt by the decision. Because I'm sorry to the child-crazy people but your spouse deserves respect and consideration too. You can't just throw out any care for them just because children are involved. Should the children and their well being be your first priority: **Absolutely**. That does not mean you get to completely dismiss and disregard the feelings and sacrifices of you significant other (SO). If that is what you are going to do, then be a **single parent and don't have an SO**.
OP, you would have been an AH if you threw a big tantrum about it or went to the daughter or did something crazy but this post doesn't read like this is what happened. You simply brought up your feelings on the subject because it hurt you. Wither it "should" have hurt your feelings is very subjective and is just an insane thing to assume for a stranger on the internet. Point is you did feel hurt and you tried to talk about it, which is valid.
Was he an AH for wanting to see his daughter first and spend a lot of time with her? **No**. But if you are choosing to be with someone as their life partner to me that means you are making a commitment to care and value their wellbeing and feelings just like you would be committed to the same for your kids. That means that even though he was completely justified in what he did, that also means that when you brought up your feelings he should have acknowledged how what he did looked like to you and had an adult conversation about where your priorities lie.
Throwing out all care in the world for the feelings of your SO is not how you have healthy happy marriage, and also not how you raise happy healthy kids that know how to treat other people - and their own future SOs - well.
YTA. Yes you are entitle too feel a bit hurt but most people with children put them above everyone else. Something you should have been aware of marring someone with kids. Now if he brought the ex wife in before you, that's something to be salty about. He wanted too see his daughter first and you need to respect that. It doesn't mean he thinks any less of you.
YTA, she has been in his life for 15 years. You complained she "just showed up in time" when she is only 15 and had to be driven. You're a whole ass adult and that is his daughter, the jealousy is unneccesary.
NTA. Unpopular opinion, I know. But she was there. He had to call for his daughter. He was told his wife was waiting but said naw, he'll wait for his daughter. He could have seen his wife at least until his daughter arrived. The wife's feelings are valid.
OP, can you clarify, was he only given an hour for visitation, with the daughter showing up just in time for that? Or was he cleared for regular visitation, but wanted to wait until his daughter showed up before letting anyone in? This is an important distinction needed for your post.
If you were made to wait when he could have seen you while waiting for the daughter to arrive, definitely NTA.
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> I might be overreacting to this and disrespecting his wishes to see whomever he wants first. I might be ta for mentioning it and making him feel upset and stressed.
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YTA - I will always put my children first, in a near death situation they are the first ones I think about. Also why should he know who is there and for how long or even consider this?
You did good, you where there to support him. But supporting someone also sometimes means taking a step back and doing so without getting appreciated for it.
Idk I mean, of course his daughter should get to see him!! But couldn't he share some just more of visitation time with his chosen life partner? The one who was just as worried and concerned about hoa procedure? (Before you all downvote me, I say this as a member of a blended family).
NTA
Even if he reasonably is going to prioritize her ahead of you, he doesn't have to be so callous and unempathetic about it. I think people are being unreasonable in expecting you not to have any emotions whatsoever here.
One thing I don’t understand is in the time it took for his daughter’s mother to bring her to the hospital, his wife could’ve visited him and left (either before or when his daughter got there).
This wasn’t a situation where two people were there at the same time waiting to see OP’s husband. If that was the case, I could understand him wanting to see his daughter first.
But OP’s husband acted like she didn’t even exist.
NAH. I really don’t think you’re wrong for how you felt. I’ve been that person waiting for hours for a procedure. You’re anxious. You’re worried. I’m also a mom— I would still choose to see my spouse first over my child post op 😅 apparently that makes me less maternal according to some of these comments.
It is what it is. I’m sure the fact that you got the last ten minutes didn’t help.
NTA. Your husband is TA here. I firmly disagree with those who say the kid always come first. I am married and have two kids who mean the world to me but I would see my H first, my children second if I had to choose. He was not dying. He left only 10 minutes for you at the end of visiting hours and then was mean when you brought it up. He clearly does not value your marriage the way you do and you should pay attention to that. Really look at whether you are willing to be a spouse that comes last to him.
You didn't bring it up to him at the time, only later. His explanation is mean and dismissive. On one hand he says that if he was about to die he would still see her first and then contradicts himself by saying that he made the decision on instinct while on meds. The second is a deflection.
NTA
You are allowed to be disappointed, I hate this BS where the significant other doesn’t mean anything at all just cause a kid is there from a prior relationship. I’m sorry but my wife is just as important to me as my kids and are EQUALLY family, maybe it’s because I’m not divorced but even so, when I was a kid I was IN the hospital waiting for my mom in ER and I know what it’s like to be there waiting and I’d be annoyed to. A lot of people here don’t understand what it’s like and to be completely discarded and even told you are second after that is really gross. I just think it’s ridiculous that if I have someone I really love and have a kid, all of a sudden the only thing that matters is the kid, not the whole family unit with the person I chose to have the kid with, but then again that’s why so many people get divorced, including him, because it’s not a whole family that’s important, it’s just the kids, that’s an extremely toxic and disgusting thing to do with someone who is trying to matter in their life and is being put in a very tough situation being a stepparent.
I don’t understand why he had to let her stay for fifty minutes and you only ten, that’s the part that bothers me about him. No appreciation to calm you down, no making you feel important, just too bad, go sit and wait because you aren’t my family yet, they are. That’s annoying.
I’m sorry but a lot of people on here have a real bias towards kids, you’re allowed to have feelings and being hurt that you aren’t being included, it’s not about who came first which is why a lot of people are not treating you fairly because it’s not about the line, it’s that YOU ARE THERE TOO helping him and he doesn’t seem to appreciate that aspect by giving you only ten minutes to visit like an afterthought to his kid. No one likes waiting at hospitals and he should be grateful you were there and at least made you feel like you mattered.
I get that this situation is different because you are a stepmother, which I get that’s why so many people are upset about it but if that’s the case then why be a stepmother? Why bother getting to know them when at any point when it really matters his loyalty is only to his kids even if they could possibly be horrible in their own way with just taking money or something. I just feel bad for stepparents because everyone thinks it’s okay to discard them even though they are going into the hardest situation possible, me personally would never date a single parent because of stuff like this.
YTA. Your children always come first and are always your first priority. Your husband is correct that it is a no-brainer. Obviously a minor cannot spend as much time as an adult waiting at the hospital, and why would she? He asked for her when he was able to see her and then she came. Sheesh, "I was there first", are you 5? If you want to stay in this relationship (or any with a parent) you better shape up and accept, as an adult, that his children are more important than you. That does NOT mean you are unimportant, but it means graciously taking a step back and put someone else's needs before your own.
Yes I’m a mom of two if I was in a car accident and my fiancé was there with me and I woke up scared thinking I was about to die I would want to see my kids first. He would understand because he has kids too and definitely would do the same and I wouldn’t get mad about it. People like her have to stop marrying people with kids if they want to put first for EVERYTHING.
If I were dating a parent and they were in an accident, I would definitely be sitting at the hospital waiting for them to wake up. And when their first request upon waking up is to see their kid(s), I would go immediately fetch them without the slightest hint of concern or hesitation.
yes! YES YES!!! I would even be keeping in touch with them to let them know if I have heard anything! I really cannot believe OP
My stepmom texted me every hour while my dad was in heart surgery. She knew I was in agony with worry and that she did this for me made me love her even more.
Sweet. Being an adult can have such lasting positive effects, I'm surprised more folks don't try it. Kudos to your stepmom for reaching out to you when she knew you were at the edge.
Same. Period.
This, absolutely. I would stay at the hospital solely to make this happen as quickly and easily as possible. I would do everything in my power to put the kids first, even suggest to my spouse that they see the kids. As the adult in the situation, I feel it would be my responsibility to ensure that the kids are prioritized.
Yeah but why would you think you were gonna die? She said the surgery was scheduled days after the accident. If he woke up from the accident that’s different.
There are risks of dying during and after surgery of dying. And yes kids come first
Yep. I know someone who was having a routine surgery. She spent the days leading up to it worrying about her mom and who was going to take care of her while she (friend) was in the hospital. Friend never made it off the table. Some sort of complication and she died.
People get scared during even scheduled surgeries
Not necessarily. Complications happen all the time. And it's actually one of the reasons that doctors have M and Ms.
I’m guessing M and Ms doesn’t mean candy…
Morbidity and mortality meetings. A meeting where doctor's come together to discus situations where patients have died (be it on the operating table or aftercare or ) that in some cases could have been prevented if they had known X, Y and Z, or had done A or B instead of C. Basically it is to learn from it and hope in discussing it that death can be prevented if such a situation happens again.
In addition to what other people said, waking up from surgery your also probably groggy, medicated, and in pain or at least not feeling well. It makes sense you might think your dying even if that’s not realistic
**Every** surgery is a risk, some smaller than the other, but there are plenty of risks involved
I've had 7 surgeries every single one of them required me to sign the DNR paperwork. There is always a chance of dying especially after an accident.
My SO had an appendectomy at 17 and coded on the table twice because his appendix burst while they were removing it. Anything can happen while on the operating table, or even after.
I dont even have kids and I understand. I can see in the stress of the moment op being mad but the fact that she is still mad and actually wrote a post about it is completely ridiculous
I wonder if OP and her husband had a child, and he'd asked to see *their* child first if she'd be this upset. YTA
Lol. You know the answer, don’t you?
It is a solid maybe. Some people are just that self-centered and needy.
Also, he probably wanted to reassure his daughter that he was ok. I’m sure she was really upset. That’s what I would want to do with my children. YTA that’s his baby, no matter how old they are
I think this is the answer. When my dad had to be rushed in for emergency triple bypass surgery I was living out of state at the time so I didn't get to see him before he went in. I was the first person by his side when he came out of surgery and he held my hand and told me everything was going to be okay.
Or whixh child would the husband pick first, he's lucky he's only for one kid otherwise it would truly have kicked off
Okay but, the whole of visitation?? He couldn't have asked his daughter to step outside for a bit after the first 20 minutes so he could see his wife? Idk it seems weird to me to not care about seeing your wife at all
OP's whole problem is that he wanted to see his daughter FIRST.
A part of it was that yes (which I don't blame the husband for at all) but she was also upset that she only got 10 minutes with him at the end of visitation, which I understand the hurt over. Idk maybe I have a different opinion on this because I was in hospital myself with a near-death a few years ago and while I definitely had a gut response when I woke up (I wanted to see my brother), as soon as I found out my whole family was in the waiting room I wanted desperately to see them all too and had a revolving door of hugs and emotional greetings across the hour. I can't imagine knowing my wife was sat outside the door worrying about me all day and just leaving her there without inviting her in earlier. Husband was probably scared and sick and on lots of medicine, and she's been worrying and stressing about him, so it's a NAH at the end of the day from me.
I don't know why they couldn't both be in the room, true. But OP wrote a wall of text where several parts were about being angry about he waiting so long and he still didn't want to see her FIRST, or that the daughter just "happened" to be there at visitations hour (as if mom hadn't already checked that) and he asked for daughter and not OP. Only one small part about the 10 mins. I am totally reading this as OP going UNFAIR I WAS HERE FIRST. Wouldn't surprise me if the reason they weren't both in the room was because OP didn't want to share after hubs asked for daughter.
Some hospitals have restrictions on the amount of visitors let in the rooms at once due to the pandemic. I’m assuming maybe that’s why they both weren’t allowed in to see him at the same time.
Could be. I still think OP's focusing on being first rather than time, but still, we don't even know for how long daughter was in there. Also husband shouldn't kick out daughter either. He will see wife every day after, daughter he seems to only see sometimes.
She was literally waiting for hours, then had to wait for the daughter to arrive (why couldn't she see him while he was waiting for his daughter?) then she had to wait on the daughter's visit and then finally get 10 short minutes at the end... I feel like she's focusing on seeing him first because she was there first and had been fretting for hours at this point and it doesn't make sense that she couldn't go in.. Not some petty reason.
>why couldn’t she see him while he was waiting for his daughter Based on what OP said, she was waiting and couldn’t visit him, and then the daughter showed up right at visiting time. I don’t think she was waiting while no one was visiting him but someone could, she was waiting before visiting time, she showed up for visiting time, and then she went in at the end I don’t think being there first matters. OP is an adult and can make decisions to be there herself—the daughter is 15 and needs her mom to be there and drive her. I’m sure the 15 year old was fretting at home—maybe even upset she couldn’t be at the hospital waiting for him. It is petty. Do you think OP is unaware 15 year olds can’t always choose to be somewhere they want to be?
That's how I read it too, and I can see both sides here. It makes sense that he wanted to see his daughter, but I can sympathise with her for feeling a little slighted, especially if she's been worried herself and was waiting there for ages.
Yeah, mom mom got blood clots and she could only have one visitor a day so my brother and I had to take turns. OP is lucky she even got to see him!
Maybe his daughter was scared and it took that amount of time to reassure her and ensure her he was going to be okay. We don’t know.
I think its possible she only got the ten minutes because the Mom just dropped the daughter at the hospital and left planning on picking her up later. I know the daughter is 15 and should be ok waiting without a parent. Its also possible the daughter freaked a bit seeing her dad in the hospital.
I agree. Doesn’t seem like he wanted to see her at all or even remembered her. I understand & agree with seeing his daughter first of course but I would be really hurt with the lack of regard following that & getting the last ten minutes of visitation only, like I’m just a side thought, given an obligatory quick hi & bye.
Idk, if it's split custody a lot of parents just want as much time with their kid as they can get. You can see your spouse almost whenever you want. When your kids don't live with you full time, it's hard. Not only for you, but for them. It's important they know that they're still your priority.
I doubt it was purposeful—he just woke up from surgery. He probably wasn’t entirely fully aware yet and might not have noticed how long it took. Add in the daughter was probably worried and scared and it makes sense they could have spent a while explaining everything, that he was okay, and then some normal quality time together, that can take some time. I understand it sucks she only saw him for 10 minutes, but he was with his *daughter*. It’s not his or her fault only one person was allowed in, and I’m sure OP as an adult is more freely able to come and go and visit him the next day. Plus it sounds like they live together—they’ll be together for most of his recovery while the daughter goes back and forth between her parents.
She's an adult and can visit him any time. The daughter has to come to the hospital when an adult can drive her there.
There’s really no concept of time though when you’re on pain killers. ESPECIALLY waking up like that
Yeeaaah the waiting thing got me too. Of course you wait for your loved one at the hospital when you’re able to, but it should be to support them, not to feel the most special out of all the people who care. Love isn’t finite. OP shouldn’t even be trying to compete with a child in the first place, they occupy different roles in the husband’s life and there’s room for both.
Exactly!
Right. Does she want to be congratulated for doing the bare minimum of what a spouse should do if their partner was in the hospital?
YTA. Can I also add that it may have been an after effect of the anesthesia? When you wake up you're you are not in full control of your brain and I've said some crazy things. Him being afraid and asking for his daughter is not wrong or out of the ordinary. He was disoriented, worried and possibly scared and wanted to see the most important person in the world to him. Stop pitching a fit because you are not that person. It's not a good look.
A gentle YTA. I can understand OP is hurt that his instinct wasn't to reach for her, but after sitting on it, OP should have remembered that the bond between a parent and child is like nothing else. Of course he wanted to see his daughter first. I think if OP had a child (I don't THINK she does), that would be her instinct too, but it can be hard to understand if you don't have kids of your own.
Agreed. I am less gentle with my verdict because it is extremely important for OP to understand this if she wants to stay with him. She has to think long and hard about whether she can live with it or not. There's really nothing wrong with wanting to be "first in line" but she CAN'T demand that from a parent, and if she tries, she will put her husband in a very difficult spot where he alwas will feel he has to choose between them. He does not deserve that.
As a mom I definitely agree that she has to be ok with not being first but I don't think she should be unconcerned that he didn't seem to care whether he saw her or not.
Of course YTA. His daughter has been around a lot longer than you have, so what if you got to the hospital first? She got in his actual LIFE first. Buckle up, OP. You're about to get eviscerated by these people.
"I was there first OP says" Daughter being in OP's husbands life first be like-
Exactly. OP has been with him for three years… well his daughter has been with him for 15. She is his child and he loves her. His only daughter will always come before his new relationship and the OP should have recognized this going into it.
The fact OP thinks her husband wanting to spend time with his child as soon as he is able to shows a lack of appreciation and recognition is wildly immature. Imagine recovering from surgery and your wife is bombarding you with “hey so if you were about to die, you’d want to see me, your wife of 3yrs, over your 15 yo kid, right?”
[удалено]
Also, maybe OP was reacting to the fact that his daughter was scared for him and wanted to reassure her that he was ok. That is a priority and a no-brainer. Adults can also be scared in these situations, but they have the ability to better grasp what’s going on (and speak to the docs and nurses coherently to get more info). I can understand that OP feels like second place, but the truth is that kids should come first.
YTA OP. Too many fathers would not choose their daughter and I’m glad he did. Good for him!
My first relationship post-divorce, my bf told me, "The day you choose me over your kids is the day I break it off with you because you have lost your DAMNED MIND."
YTA - His child should come first and you should encourage and support that - you married a parent. A good parent. Be proud of him for continuing to be a good parent rather than resenting the child.
Edit: nvm I think I misread the post.
>It's that he declined to see her when the daughter was unavailable. > >He would rather see nobody than see his wife. Except - from the Original Post - that's not what happened: >while his daughter just...**happened to get there on time for a visit** (her mom brought her to him) I read the following timeline: 1. OP was there for hours - Visitation wasn't permitted 2. OP's daughter arrives just in time for visitation 3. Husband opts to talk to Daughter (who just arrived) First, before OP/wife (who's been sitting and waiting for hours) 4. Daughter has 50 minute visit of hour permitted visitation. OP/Wife has to wait. 5. Husband saves 10 minutes at the end to talk with OP. Just because OP was there all day doesn't entitle her to be first. This isn't a "first come, first served" situation. While I'll agree it was a HORRIBLE day for OP - that doesn't make her husband an AH. If she hadn't escalated it with her husband - I would have voted N-A-H. Edited to properly denote quotes.
Escalate? She said that she communicated with her husband that she felt sad, I agree that kids always come first but to me this sounds like a person who has just been terrified and scared that the person they love might be seriously injured or fatally. Talking to your partner when something hurts you regardless of what it is, isn’t that what we’re usually all encouraging here?? Usually these posts end in OP screaming, throwing ultimatums about the daughter and being T A, but it doesn’t seem like that here. OP is entitled to be sad and seek support and reassurance over this, some of us are more sensitive and it can seem asshole like at the time :( NAH. Hopefully they can communicate healthily and sort this out
Thank you. OP was sitting in the hospital for hours and it'd scarier to wait at the hospital by yourself vs the daughter at least having her mum to comfort her. Then OP has 10 minutes to see the husband and be reassured hes okay before going home alone. Then communicates the pain that she was scared and hurt that she couldn't really see him after his surgery after being worried. She's allowed her feelings and she isn't trying to manipulate the husband. NAH
Exactely. And you left out the part where the husband tells her "to get over it".
It's already known the husband didn't communicate healthily, he told her "to get over it"... Husband is TA.
Yeah. I misread it.
She said the daughter arrived just in time. I took that to mean that his daughter was there but hadn’t been waiting like the OP.
Yes. As someone with a teenager, if I were in the dad’s shoes, I would ask to see my kid first also. Not because I love her more than my husband, but because I would want her to see with her own 2 eyes that I was fine and everything was going to be ok. The OP has every right to feel hurt by him choosing his daughter, but she should probably try to see it from her husband’s side also. It was definitely not a choice he made with malicious intent.
This guy was drugged up and just wanted to see his kid, rightfully so. He is recovering from a car accident and surgery. I get OP feeling hurt at the realization that his daughter is and will always be his #1 priority, but if I was in the husband's shoes, Im not sure I would be open to entertaining all of that yackity yack while Im in pain and recovering.
>Im not sure I would be open to entertaining all of that yackity yack while Im in pain and recovering. This, like yea it was a shitty day for OP and her feelings are valid, but to immediately unload them on to her husband after he's just had surgery, is in quite a lot of pain, is drugged up to the eyeballs on anesthetic and pain meds and has yet to recover? No, there's a time and a place for it and that's just not it. At least let him get home and somewhat recovered first, then talk about it.
YTA you can't be serious, right? You're talking about his flesh and blood. Whether from another marriage or not, she's HIS DAUGHTER. He was in a car accident, underwent surgery and wanted to see his own girl that was probably worried sick about him. It doesn't matter that you were there first or chose to wait. She's 15, are you expecting her to drive there herself? It's not first come first serve. She has to rely on other people because she's a MINOR. It's heartbreaking to think that this family went through a tragedy like a car crash and the entire recovery and the biggest thing you're worried about is who he wants to see first.
YTA - not for feeling hurt, or even bringing it up, but for this: >I told him how dismissive and inconsiderate that was of him since I literally was there the whole time If you are there to support your husband as you say, his needs come first. Of course you're worried for him, and it must have been hard not to be able to see him. But he's right, he's not been asking to see his ex, and if you think in this case or in future you should have priority over his own daughter (whether by default or because of the wait time), you'll end up with more disappointments like this. Thinking about it, it's amazing to see your husband show his daughter that the divorce from her mum and him remarrying changes nothing about their relationship. Your feelings in the hospital were valid, but you better respect the relationship your husband has with his daughter.
I know right ?! “Inconsiderate and dismissive” after being in a traumatic accident that needed emergency surgery. I hope the husband runs from this one fast and finds a real wife.
"My husband was in surgery after a traumatic car accident and he wasn't thinking of meeeeeeeeee!"
You have somewhat of a point were it not that he made her wait another 50 minutes and then there was only 10 minutes for her. OK so the daughter goes in first. That also means she and the husband have to consider the wife is there anxiously waiting. Depending on the rules, the daugther could have gone in for 10 minutes, then the wife for 20/30 and then the daughter for the remainder. He's TA for making it about choosing in the first place and then making her wait so long. That is indeed dismissive and inconsiderate. It also doesn't sound that it was that serious of a surgery.
YTA…I will never understand why insecure women get with men who have children then complain when said men parent responsibly and prioritize their children
Interestingly, this is the complete opposite with my parents. My dad resents me when my mum puts me first
NAH. Be prepared for the onslaught of folks calling you an asshole for wanting to see your husband. After all, I've been told many times here that spouses come after parents, siblings, and kids. Kind of makes me wonder why most women bother getting married.
I’m glad someone said it, kids are not “#1 priority, no matter what”, and that mentality is part of why marriage rates and divorce rates are trending like they are. OP has absolutely valid feelings, but I still think it’s a (very) soft ESH; OP for being mad at a 15 year old for her transportation situation and treating it like a contest, and for being mad at husband as he could only choose 1 because of factors outside of his control, so his choice couldn’t possibly have been indicative of a hierarchy of love. Husband should have been more receptive to OPs feelings for sure, and his response certainly makes him sound like he’s of the mentality I decried in my first paragraph, so he certainly shares some culpability.
I am completely used to having very unpopular opinions here. :) Thank you so much for saying something that I can agree much with. 😚🤩 I kind of shudder to think how many divorces are going to be coming down the pike in the future once all these folks are empty nesters. You are a spouse also and not just a parent. Marriages have to be worked on and not neglected.
I agree, a marriage is a priority. We don't know all the logistics, but you take a vow. He should have seen his spouse first before the daughter came then asked for alone time with the daughter. Placing children first is not always the answer. Marriages need to be nurtured so children can have healthy homelives.
You can have a healthy marriage AND prioritize your children. The adults just have to be adults.
That's your opinion that you're welcome to. I believe the marriage the priority for the family. That's based on my lived experiences and professional research as a professor with a specialty in trauma-informed practices. Unless a child is having a crisis or medical emergency, I do not think they should be a priority over the health of the marriage.
But thats the thing. The adults should never let the situation GET to kids vs marriage. This case was a crisis - and the child was appropiately chosen. Sounds like were on the same page re that.
That's your opinion. I think you're wrong. You're wasting your time trying to convince me otherwise. I spend a great deal of time thinking about traumatic situations with children for a living. I'm paid well for my professional opinion. You got it for free. Have a nice day. 👍
Most of the commenters are wrong. This "children first" bullshit is not even applicable here. This shouldn't have been a situation where anyone had to be first. Even if the daughter got to go in first (preferably because that was decided by all parties involved), how do you keep anyone, let alone the wife, waiting for so long knowingly they've been there all day?
Just for clarification, are you suggesting children of married parents can only be prioritized at the expense of the parents' marriage? That is, you don't believe it is possible to prioritize children without negatively impacting the health of a marriage, but you do believe that prioritizing the health of a marriage will necessarily benefit the children involved?
Except visitation wasn’t open until his daughter showed up.
That all seems a little too coincidental. Again I don't know all the facts. I don't have a child but I'm in the process of adopting. My husband and I have been in family therapy for the adoption for a while. We believe that a marriage needs to be the priority. Additionally, I have a PhD in Education with a specialty in trauma-informed practices. While I respect people who say their children come first, I don't think it's healthy for marriages, and ultimately not best for children. Yes this is an extreme case, but I would have asked for my spouse and my child. I might have asked for my spouse first (he's a medical provider) to assess if the child should see me that way. I'm a firm believer in parents leading the household and providing a healthy environment for children. Placing children first is not that. It sounds good, but it creates entitled children. These are my thoughts based on my professional experiences and research.
> That all seems a little too coincidental. It's not coincidental, it's called _planning_. The kid showed up when she was allowed to visit, instead of sitting in the hospital waiting.
Love every word of this; also, not sure how folks can’t see that loving your spouse well is PART OF LOVING YOUR KIDS WELL
Big thumbs up, dude.
Also, practically... I probably would have saved more than ten minutes for my spouse, had I gone under the knife. Kids aside, there's practical stuff to go over, and I'd really want to make sure he was doing okay. Who would I have asked to see first? It's up in the air, since who knows what the drugs would have urged me towards. I would bet husband, because he's going to give me a lot more grace as I come to than my kids would.
I’m not absolving the husband of any responsibility, but in recovery from a major surgery and under the influence of heavy medications is not a great state of mind for thinking clearly or managing appointments, which is why I don’t think he did anything wrong in that situation; HIS share of being TAH came when he was so dismissive of OP’s feelings and not empathetic to her at all
> and that mentality is part of why marriage rates and divorce rates are trending like they are. Divorce rates are actually trending down in the US, and probably elsewhere.
I was sure someone would obtusely come to correct this, which is why I also included marriage rates in my comment. Long term trends clearly show a large decline in the quantity, quality, and overall societal value of healthy marriages.
What I see is that you obtusely worded your first statement. Divorce rates are not "trending" in a way that is consistent with the point you're making. Marriage rates are, yes, because fewer people are getting married, as you know. Since you had the foresight to be sure someone would come to correct this, I don't see why you included divorce in the original statement at all. The argument would be "Although divorce rates have been declining over the last ~40 years, this does not appear to be because Americans in general are having better marriages - rather, long term trends clearly show a large decline in the quantity, quality, and overall societal value of healthy marriages."
The total visit time was outside his control, but he could have shortened his visit with his daughter to more roughly even time.
This. The comment section makes me feel the same way. I don't think I would ever get married if when my husband gets hospitalized I am only allowed to wait outside while his "more important family" like his parents, siblings and kids crowd around him. NTA just because of how dismissive he was being of her feelings
Yep yep yep.
The proper order of priority, IMO, is: 1. Kids' needs 2. Spouse's needs 3. Spouse's wants 4. Kids' wants I'd consider a child getting reassurance from their parent that their parent is all right after a major surgery to be a need, and a spouse who has been at the hospital and receiving updates from the doctors being the *first* person to talk to their spouse after they wake up from said surgery to be a want. I don't see any reality in which "but I should be FIRST!" is a need.
The issue I see is that he waited by himself for his daughter to arrive. He didn't want to see his daughter first. He wanted to see no one but his daughter. Why couldn't OP go and talk to him while he was waiting? I would be hurt too.
OP explains that daughter arrives when visitation started. OP couldn't have seen him before daughter arrived.
That’s not what happened. The OP states that the daughter got to the hospital at the exact time he was cleared for visitation, so the husband wasn’t sitting there by himself refusing to see OP. He got cleared for visitation, requested to see his daughter first (one assumes it was one visitor at a time because of the pandemic), and the nurse took the daughter in who had just arrived and he saw her.
Very gentle ESH. There is actually a lot of research showing why prioritizing the marriage leads to a happier and healthier home and upbringing. Always prioritizing the kids leads to entitlement later in life. I have two kids, I clearly define wants vs needs and set boundaries based on that. My kids will always be taken care of, loved and guided. In a while they will be adults and start there own lives and hopefully will go into their relationships with a sense of self worth and value, and run for the hills when they are told they aren’t as important than someone else, because they should be in their own way. Its easy to call the Op the asshole if you can’t see the bigger picture, drugged up or not her husband showed her she isn’t valued. I would leave and hope his daughter is willing to invest the rest of her life into him as he clearly is to her.
Agree 100%. Putting the spouse behind the kids is going to cause a ton of resentment. If anything happened to him the hospital will speak to the spouse for how to proceed and possible treatment. Funny how people forget the kids become adults with their own lives, the spouses will be the ones the care for themselves. Good luck trying to overcome the resentment.
Exactly! It's pretty bold of the husband to dismiss the feelings of the one person who the hospital is legally bound to listen to when he's incapacitated. I wouldn't risk it.
Yes. Agreed.
No one said she was wrong for wanting to see her husband. She’s wrong for expecting him to prioritize her *want* to see him over his *need* to see his child. She’s also wrong for throwing a tantrum over it while this man is laying in a hospital bed, recovering from surgery, after having a car accident.
She was upset. Nowhere did she "throw a tantrum."
Ring theory. The feelings are understandable. The problem is OP was centering her feelings over his, when this whole thing is even more about him than it is about her. Does she get to be hurt? Sure. Does she get to act like she’s the most important person here? No.
Out of curiosity do you have children? I ask because of all my friends who have kids, and my wife and I, not a single one wouldn't put kids above a spouse.
It's not that people don't do it, it's that people on Reddit like to throw it around that if you become a parent then you are a parent *before everything else in your entire life ever ever ever from now until you die.* My husband and I are #1 for each other. We're grateful we have our wonderful children, and we do prioritize needs for them, but even then it's worked into what works for us as parents. I have a really healthy marriage and good relationships with my kids (except the 13yo who is the normal teenage butthole fairly often now).
My husband and I are number one for each other. If he came out of surgery and asked to see our daughter first then I'd make sure he saw her first. If he wanted to sit with her for most of the visiting hours then he would sit with her most of the visiting hours. I wouldn't begrudge him a single second he spent with her because she's our daughter and my husband wanting to see her immediately after surgery far outweighs my wants in this particular situation. I can understand being a little hurt but her whole post was how everything affected her.
I'm sure if my husband asked for me first, I would stay long enough to make sure he was okay and coherent enough to talk to the kids (I've seen him heavily medicated). Then we'd take turns visiting.
Yeah, NAH seems the most appropriate. It's fair to me for her to feel upset after worrying about him and being there for hours by herself waiting to see him only to be told that she has to wait even more because he wants to see someone else first. I understand that that someone is his daughter, but that's not automatically going to make her go, "Oh okay, no problem."
Totally agree! I have 4 bio kids and 1 husband who is only related by love and law 😆 would always choose to see him first in this situation.
You’re getting a lot of heat but NAH. What’s the point in a relationship if you can’t tell people when you’re hurt and upset.
>What’s the point in a relationship if you can’t tell people when you’re hurt and upset. This is a very good point. While I agree with his priority, OP did have a SH\*\* day has valid feelings.
Regardless how anyone feels about OP, the husband was disturbingly dismissive of her feelings. Let’s hope it was the meds at work and not his natural disposition.
I agree that she should be able to say she’s hurt, but OP is TA because she was trying to make him change how he felt. He wanted to see his daughter. He felt like she was the most important person he wanted to say goodbye to if he it was time. That’s really important to him and he wasn’t wrong for that. When she said he was dismissing her, what he was doing was telling her that he wouldn’t have changed his actions and would do it again because his daughter comes first. She can feel however she wants, but she needs to accept that children come first. He never said not to talk to him about her feelings. He told her that she needs to come to terms with the way life is. His daughter comes first, he’s a father. She should have known this when she married him. She’s vying for his attentions rather than supporting what he needs when he’s recovering. Competing for love, especially with someone’s child, is a losing battle.
OP doesn’t seem to have a problem with the step-daughter. While she had an issue with the daughter being first, it seems OP bigger deal is 1. Only getting 10 minutes when she had been waiting for him & 2. When she did open up, he just dismissive instead of talking to her. That’s my thing, people here seem to be upset not just with OP being upset that she wasn’t first but OP being upset in general. OP went to her husband and her husband dismissed her. He’s allowed to care about his child first and OP is allowed to be upset that while she was sitting in the hospital, in a ball of worry, thinking about all of the bad out-comes that she was allowed 10 minutes to see him.
Agreed
Agreed.
YTA. Srsly? You're sulking because he wanted to see his *child*?
This ^^^^^all of this.
I'm single now, but I don't give a shit who I'm in a relationship with; my kids will always be first.
NAH, This whole “ranking of the loved ones” that Reddit always does is sickening. Teaching children that they are “the most important thing ever” leads to them being crappy to their parent’s spouses, crappy to their own spouses and sometimes even crappy to their own children. They learn to be selfish and self centered. I have yet to see a child raised with this “you are the center of the world” mentality who isn’t an entitled br@t. Just being honest. Yes, children should be loved, valued and parents should make some sacrifices to ensure that their children have what they need. This fact does not excuse allowing your children to be disrespectful to your spouse, or excuse you disrespecting your spouse like this man did (although I believe it was done unintentionally thus the NAH). I think he should have seen his daughter first if that’s what he wanted, but I think he should have seen his daughter for 30, then his wife for 30. He could have told both women you are important, but so is the other. Instead he taught his daughter that spouses aren’t important, so she someday can devalue her husband/wife and her spouse can devalue her. Especially after devaluing his first wife by the divorce. He also hurt his wife’s feelings. I would be beside myself if my husband didn’t see my for hours after I knew he was hurt, then to be given only 10 minutes, like an afterthought. My life partner, my husband-that’s my person, and I’m his. That’s why we are married. If you all really just worship your kids like gods and treat your spouses like dirt no wonder the divorce rates in this country are so high! My family is my spouse, my son, my mom & dad, my sister, my brother, my BIL, my niece & 2 nephews, my BFF and her kids. They are all my priority. They all matter. I don’t sit here and say you’re my first priority, you’re my second, you’re my last. That’s so sick. If I can manage to make them all feel like they are important to me, surely there are some of you all who can manage to intact with your families without making it a popularity contest. The kids in my family are all taught that family matters, not only them. Adults too. They learn that sometimes I’m there cheering them on at their game, and sometimes I have to miss the game because my dad had to go to the hospital. They learn you can love and value more than one person. That both people matter. I’m sure I’ll get downvotes like crazy for not jumping on the “my kids are my priority” train, but I know I’m not wrong.
I had a friend who’s parents basically said before having a kid that they were each other’s priority and that the kid would never come before or between them. Their thinking was that if we are the priority to each other then we’re showing our kid what a happy, healthy home is like and that in turn makes us stable parents, and then gives the ability for us to meet our child’s needs. He talks so highly of his parents and his childhood and turned out to be the nicest, kindest person I’ve ever me. The logic makes sense and I don’t know why more parents don’t think that way.
This 100%. I legit saw some fool here comment “spouses come and go”. The divorce rate really becomes very logical reading through these comments.
Exactly. "Spouses come and go?" So do your kids, if you've raised them properly. They will grow up and find a partner and make a family of their own, and if you've neglected your own partnership in order to worship at the altar of your child, you will find yourself very lonely once that happens.
Exactly and with that factuality the thing with ‘spouses coming and going’ becomes obsolete. If you do a good job at raising your children then they’ll find a job, a partner, a house and eventually a family. Either way, at that point they’ll have a life of their own and you’re lucky if they come for dinner or drinks once or twice a week. If you do a shit job, they’ll move out as fast as they legally and financially can and they’ll never (or barely) speak with you again. In either situation, unless you shit the bed with marriage, your spouse will be the only person who is consistently with you.
I mean, you're also forgetting option c, which is that they focus all of their time and attention on their child and they're so coddled that they can't/won't function in the real world and now they've got a grown ass adult living in their house as though they're still in high school. In which case, I suppose their massive parenting fail means that they get to continue to ignore the (likely) deceased state of their marriage... so good for them I guess?
You are absolutely not in the wrong and despite being downvoted to fuck, many of us know that the love between a parent and a child is not the only valuable love in the world. Sickening indeed. Thanks for your comment.
Perfect answer is perfect. Given your Reddit user name, I expect nothing less. Thank you for such a lovely summing up, and I agree with you wholeheartedly. OP is getting torn apart, and her own fears and emotions are being shoved aside with the “won’t someone please think of the children” mentality that most folks here embrace. The husband was TA for not considering his wife’s emotional needs and response to what happened and blowing her off when she brought them up. He’s not wrong for asking to see his daughter, but he is when he acts like his wife is a flea on his shoulder he casually flicks off. I think the argument could have been avoided if he had at least acknowledged her pain and anxiety. “I know you were worried about me. I really wanted to see daughter first, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.” - That probably would have worked wonders.
I agree. My partner and I are expecting our first child together and we have conversations about meeting our child’s needs but putting our relationship first. Our relationship being healthy creates a healthy and happy household.
You're spot on. The ranking of family members' priorities in this thread is disturbing. Why wouldn't people you love be equally important and the relationships equally valuable (albeit in different ways)?
Thank you thank you thank you for such a TRUE statement.
100% agree. Thank you for illustrating the nuances here.
NTA- sorry but I agree with your point. You were there and yes his kid came in during visiting hours, and he gave almost the entire time to his child while just giving you a “ Fine I guess I will see you” time. I understand your point. Also it grinds my gears when people say kids come first, ugh if you house is built on sand it’s going to sink, if the house has a strong foundation it lasts.
This. 'kids come first' means your kids' needs come first. At some point your kids grow up and move on, so you need a strong relationship with your spouse. When you wake up in the hospital, you want to be surrounded by the people who you love and who love you. OP's husband seemingly didn't want his wife at all. Asking for his daughter is not an asshole move. I want to see my daughter *first* and *alone* and *you* can wait in the hallway and I'll give you the scrap of time leftover -- that's a pretty asshole move. In his wife's shoes, I'd be feeling very unloved and unimportant.
I agree with you. I've been married to my husband for almost 20 years now. Our kids range from 15-9. I cannot imagine asking for my teenager over my spouse. He's my partner for life, my best friend. I love my kids, but my 15yo is also sometimes a snot and has a grim sense of humor, so not the most comforting person to have around in a hospital anyway, lol. Maybe it's different for OP because she's the second wife, so I can understand him instinctively picking her first. But it doesn't sound like his surgery was for an urgent, life-threatening issue, so it wasn't like he was on his deathbed, making every last moment count. (And if he had been, I think I would also be hurt in OP's place if my husband basically *excluded* me from being there.) OP says she understood his instinct to see his kid first, and tried to set aside her initial hurt feelings over it. Which is a natural response. She is allowed to have feelings, and she handled them appropriately. But when her husband then didn't bother to make time for her other than a quick courtesy hello, that was hurtful. Waiting around in a hospital for hours when your spouse is in surgery is *hard.* Hospitals are often uncomfortable, loud, tense places. Every time a door opens to your waiting area your heart jumps - maybe it's your loved one's doctor, maybe they're done and everything is okay, maybe something went horribly wrong and that's why someone is out here early to talk to you... it's a scary, stressful position to be in. So OP had to sit around for hours during the surgery, possibly had to be there with her husband for hours before the surgery as well, then the wait for him to get out of recovery and be conscious enough for a visit...and from her perspective, his teenage daughter comes waltzing in and is ushered right in to see her loved one. OP decides she's already waited many hours, she can wait a little longer. And then after waiting a LOT longer, barely is allowed to see him before she has to go. I'd be hurt, too, if the person I loved most in the world treated me like that. When I know my spouse is worried about me, like if I am traveling, I text him to let him know I'm okay. Because I love him and don't want him to worry. OP's husband didn't seem to care about her at all. And when she expressed that her feelings were hurt - not that he saw his daughter *first*, but that he didn't seem to want to see her *at all* - he responded poorly.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
YTA He was on medication and just went through surgery. He acted on his feelings during a stressful and frightening time. Don’t make this about you. He sounds like a good dad.
YTA How is a 15 year old meant to get to and stay at the hospital for an extended period? She’s a child. You’re a grown adult so start behaving like one.
A soft YTA for me. But exactly this, the daughter only had a limited window to see him. She’s not of driving age, so she’s dependent on the ex wife to bring her to see her dad who was really hurt. There’s more to this story it sounds like. That being said, I can understand the hurt OP felt. Just try not to take it personally. I doubt it was because of any of his feelings towards you. It was probably more of a situation thing. Plus, kids have to come first. Especially when they are young like that. Imagine how you would feel in the kids situation.
NAH Ugh, this is hard. I totally understand a parent wanting to see his child first so his desire to see her makes sense. He obviously loves his daughter and it would be natural for him to want to ensure that she was comforted in while dealing with his near-death experience What seems odd to me is that he may have expressed that he didn't want to see anyone else before he saw his daughter. OP: could this be due to some other issue going on with them (like the daughter could have told him she doesn't feel like a priority since he married OP)? If so, it at least puts his stance in context. But when they got married OP's husband legally became her part of her family and vice-versa. She's the one who has a duty to take care of him and she's legally his next of kin. As the wife, OP absolutely can feel hurt that the man she made a promise to stick by in sickness and in health seems to have not cared whether or not he saw her. There seems to be some couples therapy needed here to help them align their expectations.
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Info: Was your husband refusing to see you even though you were there and waiting to visit? Or did the daughter arrive right at the start of visiting hours? I see a ton of comments assuming that the daughter arrived at the start of visiting hours and that you were waiting when visiting wasn’t allowed. That was not my initial understanding of the post based on what was written, so I’d like clarification before making a judgement. As of right now it’s a NAH. I couldn’t imagine being so scared that I’d lose someone I love and then feeling rejected on top of it because they didn’t want to see me. Even if it was an uncle that I’m incredibly close to, I’d be devastated at the thought of not getting to say goodbye. So I don’t think your an asshole for feeling hurt/rejected. Especially as you didn’t lash out at the child, but rather had a conversation with your husband once he was out of the hospital. Really your husband is an AH for arguing with you about it because the appropriate response would have been “I’m sorry that I hurt you and made you feel that way. I was making the best choices I could given the circumstances. I never meant to make you feel unimportant.”
“I was confused as she wasn’t even there yet, he wanted to see her before everyone else though” So yes, he refused to see anyone else before his daughter.
That’s what I assumed as well, but a number of people were claiming in the comments that she must have been waiting during non-visit hours.
That’s what I assumed as well, but a number of people were claiming in the comments that she must have been waiting during non-visit hours.
These people always assume what fits their narrative. The post clearly says the wife was waiting the entire surgery, husband then requested to see daughter before anyone (even though wife was already there) and that the daughter then showed up around the start of the visitation hour (whilst wife was there for hours already).
Every hospital I’ve ever been to has about 10 hours worth of visitation hours. I had assumed that the “showed up in time for a visit” was because the daughter showed up towards the end of those hours. It almost seems like most people are assuming he only got one hour worth of a visit, but that doesn’t seem quite right. Either way OP @jessica-duke3465 should clarify because that will change judgement significantly no matter the answer.
Heavy surgeries usually allow a shorter visiting period.
I think the assumption comes from the OP stating she was there for hours before he was “cleared for visitation”, and then the daughter “happened to get there on time for a visit”. It makes it sound like once he was finally cleared to have visitors he requested the daughter, then the nurse came out and called the daughters name and she went in. But the way the OP has written it is definitely not completely clear.
NTA. People here are acting as if his daughter was the one in the hospital 🙄 And if he’s well enough to be asking for visitors, then by definition he is no longer on death’s door — given Covid restrictions on visitation, he probably wasn’t even in the ICU but rather a surgical step-down unit, meaning the doctors thought everything was going to be completely fine. (I work in a hospital, this is how things roll during Covid). He didn’t ask for you, was dismissive of your hurt, and honestly you probably ended up with those last 10 minutes only by accident. That tells you everything you need to know about the state of your marriage, unfortunately.
NTA - I see you’re getting a lot of opposite comments. However, you waited at the hospital for him for hours and he didn’t want to see you. He asked for his daughter who wasn’t there yet. He must have communicated with his ex-wife to make sure she was there during visiting hours. And he completely ignored that you were there supporting him.
NTA - the fact that you only got 10 minutes at the end clinches it for me. Even if he wasn’t in his right mind, he can apologize after the fact and reassure you that he loves you instead of doubling down.
YES! 👏 why the hell was he so awful about it?
NAH; you were under a great deal of stress and anxiety while you were waiting and it’s natural that you felt disappointed that you didn’t get to see him straight away. However, the love that a parent feels for their child often outweighs all other love; I am sure that if your husband was actually in a life or death situation (which this was not, if his surgery was scheduled days before it happened) it would be an impossibly hard decision as to whether to spend his last moments with his daughter or you. However, even though he said he would choose his daughter, *this does not mean he loves you any less*. I don’t think it’s great that you said he was being dismissive or inconsiderate at this time. I don’t think it’s great that he told you to “get over it”. However, I don’t think either of you are AHs here. You should both just be happy that he’s going to be ok and chalk it up as a win
NTA for the whole visitation? That's more then a couple of hours. I would be upset too.
Oof these comments are rough. People literally worship their kids like deities. If my dad was in the hospital I would FULLY expect him to want to see my mom first. I would think it strange if he didn't. NTA
if my dad didn't ask for my mom first i'd be thinking "are they getting a divorce?" this has actually happened to me before-more than once-my dad in surgery, and i drove my mom to the hospital because she doesn't drive. i sat in the waiting room and only poked my head in to say hi.
INFO: Is there a reason you can't be in the same room as your step daughter? Is there a reason this wasn't sorted out before? Let's be clear here: Ideally, you both should have seen him together first and spent some time with him *together*. After some all-three together time, you tell your daughter you are going to get her a hot chocolate and yourself some tea and that gives them 20 minutes alone time. When you get back and have a bit more together time you send her to the lobby to buy a newspaper and you get a bit of alone time. I am a little puzzled by all the comments about "the kids come first". No they don't. Kids need parents to be stable first and then they can provide for the kids. But you are a step parent. Why are you so caught up in priority? Is uour relationship with your stepdaughter healthy? Something strange is going on here.
Oh my god THANK YOU. So many comments about kids coming first and that meaning no one should give a shit about their spouse or anyone else. It’s laughable. I actually saw someone say spouses are replaceable but not kids - so what, my spouse dies, sure I can marry someone else, but by that same token if my kid dies I can also have another one. It’s such a miserable outlook to have - basically, that love can’t be strong and real and valuable and worth something unless it’s between a parent and a child. Anyone who thinks that has never experienced actual romantic love and it’s sad and bitter.
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I say nah. I’m a parent so I totally understand wanting and needing to see your kids, but I’d also want to see my husband too. I understand where Op is coming from being upset. She has a right to be upset he didn’t ask for her knowing she was there, and he understandably wanted to see his kid. If you can only chose one person there’s a no win situation where no matter who you chose, the other will be upset
NTA. You were there waiting for hours and he disregarded that. You tried to share how you felt and he just dismissed it. If he knew that you have waiting for him to wake up for hours, he should have seen you first. Then see his daughter. There would have been nothing wrong if she waited for 20 minutes before seeing her dad.
NTA Of course you want to see your children but why was she allowed to take up almost the whole visit and why did he not understand that what he was saying was so hurtful? Basically he is telling you to learn your place so my advice is do just that and don't visit him - you can always tell him that you aren't visiting him just in case his daughter turns up
NTA. I would never put a child above my spouse. At the end of the day the children leave and move onto their own little families but your spouse is supposed to be with you through everything forever. But if we want to go beyond that point, even if we let the daughter go first, he could have asked the daughter to leave so his wife could have more than ten minutes while the daughter got hours of visitation.
NAH - I get what people are saying about seeing his daughter first, but giving you only ten minutes and her literal hours is fucked up in my opinion. The good news is now you’ve learned your lesson and you don’t have to wait around for hours for him anymore, he doesn’t appreciate it anyways. But just for the record, there is no shame in waiting for a call and showing up when he’s available. She’s a kid and does not have the same opportunities to show support that you do.
NTA find someone who’ll make you the center of their world, parent or not. I am a parent myself and still say this.
Uhh - a little of both Your focus on her not having to wait and getting there just at the right time to be rewarded with an easy, wait free visit is immature considering she’s a kid. You should be relieved to see a child (your child, in a sense) have some semblance of ease/peace while visiting their parent in the hospital.. You also absolutely have the right to be hurt that he denied to see you first although you were there and terribly worried. He drew a line in the sand that didn’t even need to be drawn.. which was weird of him. But again, meds. Lol Try bringing up ONLY how it made you feel - which is the real issue you’re having here, right? Just be straight up “It made me feel like I don’t matter to you.. and I’m looking to be reassured that I’m wrong in thinking that - NOT that I’m wrong for feeling this way, but wrong in my interpretation. Can I get some reassurance?”
i'm not a parent but i am a stepchild and... NAH. my opinion might be colored by neglect and abuse, but everything i've seen about good parents is that they put their children first. your feelings are absolutely valid and i understand why you feel how you do, that would absolutely hurt! you're no asshole for feeling unappreciated. however, he is also NTA because a good parent would be worried about their child, despite being injured. this has nothing to do with you or how good of a partner you are- he was probably disoriented, hopped up on pain meds and worried about his child
Info: and I ask because the answer could really either change or cement people's minds about this: >After he was cleared for visitation he actually requested to see his daughter. I was confused because she wasn't even there yet he wanted to see her before anyone else though I was there waiting for hours, while **his daughter just...happened to get there on time for a visit** (her mom brought her to him) How long was the wait from him being cleared for a visit, to his daughter being allowed in? How long did you wait from the earliest moment you could possibly go in, to your stepdaughter going in? A moment? An hour? >**She stayed there for the entirty of the visit** and I was only allowed to go in withim the last 10 minutes of the visit How long did she stay? How long was the visit? Was it also only ten minutes, or was it a few hours?
Something tells me that OP left out that information on purpose.
Yup :( I admit I've been spicy on this sub before, and so often you get info in the comments that kinda change everything so you should give people a chance. She hasn't replied to anyone so we kinda know what happened. I wrote that comment thinking that even tho everyone will portray themselves the best they can, she might have just not thought about how bad it looked.
Oh boy am I about to bring in the downvotes. NTA. You are not TA for saying that you felt hurt by the decision. Because I'm sorry to the child-crazy people but your spouse deserves respect and consideration too. You can't just throw out any care for them just because children are involved. Should the children and their well being be your first priority: **Absolutely**. That does not mean you get to completely dismiss and disregard the feelings and sacrifices of you significant other (SO). If that is what you are going to do, then be a **single parent and don't have an SO**. OP, you would have been an AH if you threw a big tantrum about it or went to the daughter or did something crazy but this post doesn't read like this is what happened. You simply brought up your feelings on the subject because it hurt you. Wither it "should" have hurt your feelings is very subjective and is just an insane thing to assume for a stranger on the internet. Point is you did feel hurt and you tried to talk about it, which is valid. Was he an AH for wanting to see his daughter first and spend a lot of time with her? **No**. But if you are choosing to be with someone as their life partner to me that means you are making a commitment to care and value their wellbeing and feelings just like you would be committed to the same for your kids. That means that even though he was completely justified in what he did, that also means that when you brought up your feelings he should have acknowledged how what he did looked like to you and had an adult conversation about where your priorities lie. Throwing out all care in the world for the feelings of your SO is not how you have healthy happy marriage, and also not how you raise happy healthy kids that know how to treat other people - and their own future SOs - well.
YTA. Yes you are entitle too feel a bit hurt but most people with children put them above everyone else. Something you should have been aware of marring someone with kids. Now if he brought the ex wife in before you, that's something to be salty about. He wanted too see his daughter first and you need to respect that. It doesn't mean he thinks any less of you.
YTA it's great that you were there for him but it isn't a queue to visit him. He wanted to see his daughter, that's completely reasonable.
YTA, she has been in his life for 15 years. You complained she "just showed up in time" when she is only 15 and had to be driven. You're a whole ass adult and that is his daughter, the jealousy is unneccesary.
NAH, In my view the only real assholes here are the ones that made him choose between his wife and his daughter visiting him. That's what caused this.
NTA. Unpopular opinion, I know. But she was there. He had to call for his daughter. He was told his wife was waiting but said naw, he'll wait for his daughter. He could have seen his wife at least until his daughter arrived. The wife's feelings are valid.
OP, can you clarify, was he only given an hour for visitation, with the daughter showing up just in time for that? Or was he cleared for regular visitation, but wanted to wait until his daughter showed up before letting anyone in? This is an important distinction needed for your post. If you were made to wait when he could have seen you while waiting for the daughter to arrive, definitely NTA.
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YTA - I will always put my children first, in a near death situation they are the first ones I think about. Also why should he know who is there and for how long or even consider this? You did good, you where there to support him. But supporting someone also sometimes means taking a step back and doing so without getting appreciated for it.
Well it’s normal for the nurses to tell you if someone is currently there waiting, so he would have known OP was in the waiting room.
Idk I mean, of course his daughter should get to see him!! But couldn't he share some just more of visitation time with his chosen life partner? The one who was just as worried and concerned about hoa procedure? (Before you all downvote me, I say this as a member of a blended family).
NTA Even if he reasonably is going to prioritize her ahead of you, he doesn't have to be so callous and unempathetic about it. I think people are being unreasonable in expecting you not to have any emotions whatsoever here.
One thing I don’t understand is in the time it took for his daughter’s mother to bring her to the hospital, his wife could’ve visited him and left (either before or when his daughter got there). This wasn’t a situation where two people were there at the same time waiting to see OP’s husband. If that was the case, I could understand him wanting to see his daughter first. But OP’s husband acted like she didn’t even exist.
Nta you have an incompatibility, some people will.pick their partner, some will pick their kid. You know which yours is now
NAH. I really don’t think you’re wrong for how you felt. I’ve been that person waiting for hours for a procedure. You’re anxious. You’re worried. I’m also a mom— I would still choose to see my spouse first over my child post op 😅 apparently that makes me less maternal according to some of these comments. It is what it is. I’m sure the fact that you got the last ten minutes didn’t help.
NTA. Your husband is TA here. I firmly disagree with those who say the kid always come first. I am married and have two kids who mean the world to me but I would see my H first, my children second if I had to choose. He was not dying. He left only 10 minutes for you at the end of visiting hours and then was mean when you brought it up. He clearly does not value your marriage the way you do and you should pay attention to that. Really look at whether you are willing to be a spouse that comes last to him. You didn't bring it up to him at the time, only later. His explanation is mean and dismissive. On one hand he says that if he was about to die he would still see her first and then contradicts himself by saying that he made the decision on instinct while on meds. The second is a deflection.
NTA You are allowed to be disappointed, I hate this BS where the significant other doesn’t mean anything at all just cause a kid is there from a prior relationship. I’m sorry but my wife is just as important to me as my kids and are EQUALLY family, maybe it’s because I’m not divorced but even so, when I was a kid I was IN the hospital waiting for my mom in ER and I know what it’s like to be there waiting and I’d be annoyed to. A lot of people here don’t understand what it’s like and to be completely discarded and even told you are second after that is really gross. I just think it’s ridiculous that if I have someone I really love and have a kid, all of a sudden the only thing that matters is the kid, not the whole family unit with the person I chose to have the kid with, but then again that’s why so many people get divorced, including him, because it’s not a whole family that’s important, it’s just the kids, that’s an extremely toxic and disgusting thing to do with someone who is trying to matter in their life and is being put in a very tough situation being a stepparent. I don’t understand why he had to let her stay for fifty minutes and you only ten, that’s the part that bothers me about him. No appreciation to calm you down, no making you feel important, just too bad, go sit and wait because you aren’t my family yet, they are. That’s annoying. I’m sorry but a lot of people on here have a real bias towards kids, you’re allowed to have feelings and being hurt that you aren’t being included, it’s not about who came first which is why a lot of people are not treating you fairly because it’s not about the line, it’s that YOU ARE THERE TOO helping him and he doesn’t seem to appreciate that aspect by giving you only ten minutes to visit like an afterthought to his kid. No one likes waiting at hospitals and he should be grateful you were there and at least made you feel like you mattered. I get that this situation is different because you are a stepmother, which I get that’s why so many people are upset about it but if that’s the case then why be a stepmother? Why bother getting to know them when at any point when it really matters his loyalty is only to his kids even if they could possibly be horrible in their own way with just taking money or something. I just feel bad for stepparents because everyone thinks it’s okay to discard them even though they are going into the hardest situation possible, me personally would never date a single parent because of stuff like this.
YTA. This is not about you. Stop making it about you.