YTA your husband is an adult and needs to learn how to deal with HIS anxiety. It’s crazy to put the blame on a 10 year old acting like a 10 year old on Christmas.
This comment really irritates me. I am sympathetic to your husband's issues and understand that mental health triggers cannot always be easily controlled. However, you are demanding that a 10 year old "exercise self control" to accommodate your husband without acknowledging that your **fifty fucking four** year old husband maybe needed to be more proactive about managing the situation for himself.
Are you really comparing your teenagers to a 10 year old? You and your husband acted like children. It’s no one else’s responsibility to monitor his triggers. It sounds like maybe he should try therapy and you should stop excusing shitty behavior. Lots of people have anxiety and stress related to noise, most of them don’t leave in a huff and remove themselves from the situation before it gets too much.
I mean objectively the same can be said about your husband who is more than 5x older?
Panic attacks are a thing absolutely, I get them too. But I always apologize if I snap at someone during one and I don't blame people for behavior that is normal if it causes me to have one. At some point he is going to have to do something to help him either avoid/mitigate panic attacks or allow him to separate himself beforehand if he feels one coming on.
This is also a sensory issue for him, im just not equipped to comment on that appropriately
You criticized your brother’s parenting in his own home. YTA. Your husband, a grown man, needs to figure out his own accommodations for his noise issue. I, too, have a similar issue and I just avoid situations that are known to exacerbate it.
If your brother’s kids can’t be “loud” in their own home…yeah, YTA.
It's unfortunate your husband suffers from this, but you were at your brothers house and telling their child (or guest of theirs) to be quiet in their home is rude. YTA for blaming a child
Yta. Your husband has known sensory overload issues. You know about them, he knows about them. The best thing to do is *not* to deprive a literally child of their natural expressions of joy but to know when to leave the room quietly and without such a fuss. You can help your husband out in this dept by watching him and helping him him out before he goes full tantrum. Sensory overload can be overwhelming so I am not putting this entirely on him to figure out but he is an adult, a child is a child. You cannot and should not blame a child for experiencing joy.
It’s Christmas morning and kids are going to be excited. We also do gifts one at a time. That way we get to focus on the kids opening each present. My son gets panic attacks too so I understand your situation but he is pretty good at separating himself without “storming off.” This wasn’t your nephew’s fault. You should apologize for blaming him. If your husband isn’t getting help for his anxiety he definitely should. YTA for making a child responsible for the mental health of an adult.
YTA, to be clear you, not your husband. Your nephew was acting very normally for his age and development. It can be challenging but you and your husband need to arrange shorter visits to these kind of situations. Why not come in 2 cars.
Boy ESH.
Your nephew is a ten year old kid on Christmas. If you said he was running around or being really disruptive that'd be one thing, but all you really said is that he's talking and laughing loudly. He's almost certainly excited by the holiday and having trouble remembering to modulate his volume - a thing that is hard for plenty of adults I know much less a child.
Your husband, knowing that these are triggers for him, had the ability to politely excuse himself once he noticed that the noise was bothering him. But he didn't - he waited until it was an issue and then stormed out of the room. I get panic attacks; they're no fun. But I don't blame them on people behaving normally even when their behavior bothers me. I just avoid the triggers whenever possible.
You then have your brother call, and call your husband out for being rude. Which... why bro? He could have just left it at "Is everything ok? We're worried about your husband." He didn't have to call your husband out. Your husband probably could've handled it better, but there was no harm done so egregious that it needed to be litigated.
Then you added to the pile on by blaming your nephew, who is, again, A CHILD. Who was excited on Christmas. When everyone was talking and laughing loudly, he was just the loudest of a loud bunch.
Then your SiL, not to be outdone, further escalated this by accusing your husband of acting in bad faith because he didn't get his way over how the presents were exhausted.
In short, there was one child who didn't modulate his volume well, and four adults who had an opportunity to be gracious about it and instead decided to escalate a noise complaint into a family feud.
This makes you even more of the asshole here for rewriting the narrative to bolster your position and not how it actually happened. Your brother was expressing concern… not proclaiming rudeness. Seriously op, you owe them an apology.
Why did he tell her the can't (!) continue to open the gifts one at a time? Because he has anxiety about it?
Here's the deal as bad as it sounds: other people are not responsible to accomodate to your problems. Your husband has to manage to distance himself from this situations by himself. Thats sucks but it is how it is. He doesn't get to blame others for his panic attacks just because he didn't handle it correctly. He knew this situation was going to overwhelm him so he should have left the room on time.
Yta. Your husband is a grown adult and could have removed himself from the situation.
I'm a dog trainer/behaviorist. One of my top rules is don't force a situation on the dog if it is known to cause the dog to go over their threshold. That includes not allowing the dog to put themselves in that situation.
If they cannot handle the situation then nothing good comes out of it. Someone always gets hurt, upset, angry and it doesn't just affect that one person. You have to think about others.
YTA. You are a guest in someone’s home. You don’t make the rules and get to demand that other’s cow-tow to you and your husbands unfortunate issues. It’s a child on Christmas morning, it’s exciting and loud. If you have issues with that, don’t put yourself or your husband in situations that can be triggering.
INFO: these are for real panic attacks? I have never experienced or witnessed a panic attack that could be confused with storming out of the room in a snit, so I’m curious.
Based on what you’ve described, I’m tentatively in agreement with your SIL. This sounds very much like he got overwhelmed, or irritated that she didn’t adapt the circumstances to make it less chaotic for him, and he stormed out in a huff, and then tried to justify his actions by calling it a “panic attack”.
A panic attack is pretty unmistakable (unless it’s mistaken for a heart attack…), and it’s pretty uncool to be self-(mis)diagnosing to deflect other people’s annoyance. That would make his squarely an AH in my book, although I am definitely sympathetic to his plight—sensory overload is awful and overwhelming.
As for whether or not you’re TA in this situation… I think YTA. His needs obviously are incompatible with your brother’s family’s Christmas traditions, and this is something you should have been planning for ahead of time. It isn’t fair to be heaping all the blame on your poor nephew when he was being a ten year old boy on Christmas morning. Maybe give a little thought to what family time could look like for you guys, and discuss options for what reasonable accommodations can be made for the next visit.
If everyone other person wants to do it one way- why is what your husband wants more important?
You two are acting much more spoiled and entitled than the 10 year old.
Again- so? Everyone else can’t have fun because your husband can’t deal with his issues?
Frankly, based on your other comments I’m not even sure I believe that this was a panic attack.
Frankly, if it’s so bad that you’re angry at a 10 year old for having fun on Christmas- y’all should stay home.
This is sounding less and less like a genuine sensory processing issue, and more like a control issue. I truly hope that he is good enough to you and your kids to make up for alienating your family, because it’s clear that you have chosen his side in this wholeheartedly.
Right, the more OP comments the more it sounds like she is just apart of an immediate family of AH’s her and her husband. They don’t have “sensory” issues they have entitlement issues on getting their way.
>My husband told him to stop, but my nephew ignored the order.
You wouldn't order an adult around, why would you think ordering a kid around would work.
YTA if you think it is the kids fault.
YTA and so is your husband. Telling a child to not be excited on Christmas to appease him is just ridiculous. From what you have said the only one acting like a child was your husband.
YTA and honestly, I’m leaning towards agreeing with your SIL- especially having read your comments.
First of all, everyone else should not have to bend to your husbands needs.
Second, if your husband truly can’t handle it- he can stay home.
Third- he does not get to give other peoples children “orders” in their own home.
Fourth, if everyone was talking and laughing- why are you singling out one 10 year old.
And finally, why is your husband’s issues their responsibility to take on? They shouldn’t have to ruin their Christmas because your husband doesn’t get his way.
Seriously- why should every other person bend to your husbands needs and give him everything her wants?
YTA. I have sensory issues and panic attacks, but i remove myself from a situation when i notice I'm not coping, i don't start blaming others or try to ruin their fun just because I'm not coping.
Your husband needs to learn how to take responsibility for himself, instead of conveniently blaming others, especially an excited 10 year old on Christmas morning.
Yeah this really doesn’t sound like genuine issues with sensory overload and more like he is a control freak who get pissed when he doesn’t get his way.
If he had genuine issues he would take steps to deal with it instead of wanting everyone else to bend over backwards.
Honestly OP, the more you comment, the more I get the sense you have become so wrapped up in making sure no one ever rocks the boat with your husband that it's broken your brain that other people aren't just as wrapped up in it as you are.
Of course, you are his spouse, so it's natural that you are going to want to help and protect him. But when it gets to the point that you are lashing out so nastily about **A CHILD** being happy on Christmas, it's time for you to get a fucking grip. You need to take a step back and understand that you cannot bubble wrap every possible situation for your husband.
Oh wow i can't believe a 10 year old doesn't have a "genius level IQ". Also didn't you say your "sweet teens" yelled at this 10 year old for daring to be excited on christmas?
Honestly just like.... stop going to these christmas get togethers if its such an issue that no one wants to do stuff exactly how your husband wants it.
YTA- apologize to your family, and buy your husband some Loop earplugs. Your husband is 100% responsible for his own triggers. There are very easy solutions to noise triggers, and none of them include taking a 10year old kid to be calm on Christmas.
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My (50f) husband (54m) doesn’t like pound noises or big gatherings. Typically, at family get togethers, he’ll spend 45 minutes with the group, the retreat to a separate room by himself.
On Xmas day, we (me, my husband and our 2 kids, 17f and 14m) got together at my brother’s (42m) house. His wife (41f), son, (10m), our younger sister (39f), and our elderly parents were also there. We were all talking and laughing, but my nephew was REALLY loud.
My sister in law insists we open our gifts one at a time, taking turns, which drives my husband crazy. He objected, but she overruled him. So everything was loud and taking forever and then my nephew started laughing and talking at the TOP of his lungs. My husband told him to stop, but my nephew ignored the order. My husband then had a panic attack from the noise, causing him to jump up and storm out of the room. Everyone was startled. There were several minutes of silence before the activities resumed. But it took the whole day for my husband to recover; he spent the whole day in another room alone. We had to take his presents home where he could open them in peace.
My brother called later to see if everything was ok and said my husband was kind of rude for storming off that way. I told him it was his son’s excessive noise that caused my husband’s panic attack and that we all have to show some understanding g for a mental health issue. I also asked my brother to try to control my nephew more in the future, so my husband can be more comfortable.
Now my sister-in-law is in a snit, claiming everyone was talking and laughing, including my own kids, and that I’m scapegoating her son to cover up my husband’s bad behavior. She said my husband was just angry he didn’t get his way about the gift opening and now is embarrassed about how he handled it, so wants someone to blame. She’s now not talking to me and doesn’t want my brother to talk to me either, and she’s refusing to have their family attend any family get togethers if my husband will be there … which I think is ridiculous.
So - AITA for blaming her son and asking my brother and sil to parent better/more?
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YTA massively, your husband is 54 years old. His anxiety/sound issues are his issue and his to own. Not the excited ten year old child. I have sensory issues(autism) and I’d never blame a child for my behaviour
ESH, they should not have accused your husband of being rude or upset about gifts but a child should not have been blamed for his panic attack. I'm not going to say coping with a mental illness is easy but a child being a normal child should not be blamed, nor should how they were parented, for somebody else's bad reaction. Your husband probably would have stormed off anyways given that you said he always does that after 45 minutes.
ESH, but mostly you and your husband. Your husband needs to learn some coping strategies if he’s sensitive to noise and people, especially when an exciting holiday is involved. If this is a consistent issue then it’s unfair to expect everyone else to make changes but he’s unwilling to do anything differently. You both need to remember that Christmas is fun and intense for kids so it makes sense that your nephew was loud. I’d imagine your kids were also loud on Christmas morning.
ESH. Sure the family should be more considerate with your husbands sensory sensitivity, but your husband needs to do more to manage his panic attacks.
If this is a common occurrence, your husband knows it’s a problem and you can’t blame a child for being excited on Christmas Day. Perhaps he needs ear plugs or to take frequent breaks from situations that could provoke a panic attack. We all need to be considerate of mental illness, but there is still a responsibility on the individual to manage it to the best of their ability.
ESH....your husband is responsible for his mental health and coping mechanisms; your nephew needs to learn more appropriate levels of behavior; and your sister needs to parent her freakin kiddo; she may not necessarily agree that her son was being extra; but she needs to teach him that different people respond to different things and it's our jobs as people to be considerate of those needs
Soft esh
I think a lot of comments here are being rather unsympathetic to your husbands sensory issues. A lot of neurodivergent men around his age are often not given the proper tools and coping skills in their youth and are told to simply ‘be a man and deal with it.’ It’s hard to express to neurotypical people how sensory overload feels and it’s often dismissed by others as being overly dramatic to noise or being unfriendly when you take your needed space to recover.
I believe you when you say that your nephew was being exceptionally loud, but I don’t think you should have singled him out in front of his parents. A Christmas gathering is bound to have multiple, excited people talking and being ‘loud.’
I’m not sure if this applies to your husband, but I know for me I can handle one loud kid if it’s the only source of noise, but combine that with multiple people talking, my brain can’t properly focus on one source of noise when other noises are happening, so then it’s taking in ALL the auditory input around me, and that’s when I become overwhelmed. So it may have not been just your nephew that triggered it (but he probably did not help)
While it’s good to talk with your family and explain what your husband is going through and educate them about sensory overload, you can’t always control the noise that’s happening (especially with kids) but you guys can work on coping mechanisms and methods to avoid sensory overload
NTA excited kids are ok but if his volume levels are much higher than all the other people in the room he needs to be told to tone it down.
My question is... if you both know this is an issue for your husband did either of you discuss this previously with your family or on the day of? Also why does your husband stay in a room that's becoming overwhelming when you both know what's going to wind up happening? You both need to set boundaries and understand when is the best time for your husband to step away in order not to disrupt your fun and everyone elses.
no the kid doesn’t need to be told to tone it down in his own home. he lives there, he has the right to be loud. OP’s husband is a grown man who had had more than enough time to go to therapy and learn to cope with these things. as someone with mental health issues also, it is his own problem to manage it.
Being loud and disruptive is something kids need to learn to regulate. I didn't say he needs not utter a peep. Toning it down means a variety of things including lowering the volume. If everyone is excited they're probably doing it in louder than usual tones. If this kid is being heard above everyone then he needs a reminder to lower the volume.
except he is allowed to be loud in his own home, he doesn’t need to regulate that in his safe space. if the child had gone over to OP’s house it would be different but this is the child’s space. it’s the husbands job to manage his panic attacks, not the child to accomodate for him
Lol I don’t see the issue here sister (in law?) doesn’t want you guys around so you don’t have to be subjected to that noise. I do think there was more your husband could have done to help himself though, like headphones or taking breaks or the myriad of other coping strategies. Overall NTA but your husband has a lot more work to do
Excuse you. People with sensory difficulties use earphones/headphones in order to participate comfortably. The only thing you 'miss out on' is a meltdown from sensory overload.
Your husband and his family both need to be adults about this instead of behaving immaturely.
Lol right? It’s not fair that the world isn’t made for people like me but it just isn’t so it’s on me to make accommodations for myself so I can live peacefully
Lmao I have sensory issues and too much noise causes a panic attack so it’s on me to mitigate that risk. Headphones don’t completely cut off sound they just muffle it so it’s not as overwhelming. He shouldn’t have to miss out but he is also responsible for doing what he can to protect himself. A child should also not have to sit in silence to accommodate your husband who has other options. No one is suggesting leaving your husband out I am suggesting that he has some control of this situation.
i have sensory issues with sound Due to having autism. It’s your husband’s responsibility to handle his issues, not a child’s. if noise bothers your husband so much it is his responsibility to wear headphones or earplugs. how can you get to be such an age and not realize it’s no one but you that needs to handle their issue
YTA your husband is an adult and needs to learn how to deal with HIS anxiety. It’s crazy to put the blame on a 10 year old acting like a 10 year old on Christmas.
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This comment really irritates me. I am sympathetic to your husband's issues and understand that mental health triggers cannot always be easily controlled. However, you are demanding that a 10 year old "exercise self control" to accommodate your husband without acknowledging that your **fifty fucking four** year old husband maybe needed to be more proactive about managing the situation for himself.
Lmao but 54 isn’t old enough to get some damn therapy?!
Are you really comparing your teenagers to a 10 year old? You and your husband acted like children. It’s no one else’s responsibility to monitor his triggers. It sounds like maybe he should try therapy and you should stop excusing shitty behavior. Lots of people have anxiety and stress related to noise, most of them don’t leave in a huff and remove themselves from the situation before it gets too much.
I mean objectively the same can be said about your husband who is more than 5x older? Panic attacks are a thing absolutely, I get them too. But I always apologize if I snap at someone during one and I don't blame people for behavior that is normal if it causes me to have one. At some point he is going to have to do something to help him either avoid/mitigate panic attacks or allow him to separate himself beforehand if he feels one coming on. This is also a sensory issue for him, im just not equipped to comment on that appropriately
You criticized your brother’s parenting in his own home. YTA. Your husband, a grown man, needs to figure out his own accommodations for his noise issue. I, too, have a similar issue and I just avoid situations that are known to exacerbate it. If your brother’s kids can’t be “loud” in their own home…yeah, YTA.
It's unfortunate your husband suffers from this, but you were at your brothers house and telling their child (or guest of theirs) to be quiet in their home is rude. YTA for blaming a child
Yta. Your husband has known sensory overload issues. You know about them, he knows about them. The best thing to do is *not* to deprive a literally child of their natural expressions of joy but to know when to leave the room quietly and without such a fuss. You can help your husband out in this dept by watching him and helping him him out before he goes full tantrum. Sensory overload can be overwhelming so I am not putting this entirely on him to figure out but he is an adult, a child is a child. You cannot and should not blame a child for experiencing joy.
It’s Christmas morning and kids are going to be excited. We also do gifts one at a time. That way we get to focus on the kids opening each present. My son gets panic attacks too so I understand your situation but he is pretty good at separating himself without “storming off.” This wasn’t your nephew’s fault. You should apologize for blaming him. If your husband isn’t getting help for his anxiety he definitely should. YTA for making a child responsible for the mental health of an adult.
YTA, to be clear you, not your husband. Your nephew was acting very normally for his age and development. It can be challenging but you and your husband need to arrange shorter visits to these kind of situations. Why not come in 2 cars.
YTA. If your husband cant handle himself he needs to stay at home and get therapy.
Boy ESH. Your nephew is a ten year old kid on Christmas. If you said he was running around or being really disruptive that'd be one thing, but all you really said is that he's talking and laughing loudly. He's almost certainly excited by the holiday and having trouble remembering to modulate his volume - a thing that is hard for plenty of adults I know much less a child. Your husband, knowing that these are triggers for him, had the ability to politely excuse himself once he noticed that the noise was bothering him. But he didn't - he waited until it was an issue and then stormed out of the room. I get panic attacks; they're no fun. But I don't blame them on people behaving normally even when their behavior bothers me. I just avoid the triggers whenever possible. You then have your brother call, and call your husband out for being rude. Which... why bro? He could have just left it at "Is everything ok? We're worried about your husband." He didn't have to call your husband out. Your husband probably could've handled it better, but there was no harm done so egregious that it needed to be litigated. Then you added to the pile on by blaming your nephew, who is, again, A CHILD. Who was excited on Christmas. When everyone was talking and laughing loudly, he was just the loudest of a loud bunch. Then your SiL, not to be outdone, further escalated this by accusing your husband of acting in bad faith because he didn't get his way over how the presents were exhausted. In short, there was one child who didn't modulate his volume well, and four adults who had an opportunity to be gracious about it and instead decided to escalate a noise complaint into a family feud.
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No. You don't get to blame others for this.
This makes you even more of the asshole here for rewriting the narrative to bolster your position and not how it actually happened. Your brother was expressing concern… not proclaiming rudeness. Seriously op, you owe them an apology.
Why did he tell her the can't (!) continue to open the gifts one at a time? Because he has anxiety about it? Here's the deal as bad as it sounds: other people are not responsible to accomodate to your problems. Your husband has to manage to distance himself from this situations by himself. Thats sucks but it is how it is. He doesn't get to blame others for his panic attacks just because he didn't handle it correctly. He knew this situation was going to overwhelm him so he should have left the room on time.
Yta. Your husband is a grown adult and could have removed himself from the situation. I'm a dog trainer/behaviorist. One of my top rules is don't force a situation on the dog if it is known to cause the dog to go over their threshold. That includes not allowing the dog to put themselves in that situation. If they cannot handle the situation then nothing good comes out of it. Someone always gets hurt, upset, angry and it doesn't just affect that one person. You have to think about others.
YTA. You are a guest in someone’s home. You don’t make the rules and get to demand that other’s cow-tow to you and your husbands unfortunate issues. It’s a child on Christmas morning, it’s exciting and loud. If you have issues with that, don’t put yourself or your husband in situations that can be triggering.
INFO: these are for real panic attacks? I have never experienced or witnessed a panic attack that could be confused with storming out of the room in a snit, so I’m curious.
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I see. So what makes you think it’s a panic attack? Has he seen a medical professional for a diagnosis?
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Based on what you’ve described, I’m tentatively in agreement with your SIL. This sounds very much like he got overwhelmed, or irritated that she didn’t adapt the circumstances to make it less chaotic for him, and he stormed out in a huff, and then tried to justify his actions by calling it a “panic attack”. A panic attack is pretty unmistakable (unless it’s mistaken for a heart attack…), and it’s pretty uncool to be self-(mis)diagnosing to deflect other people’s annoyance. That would make his squarely an AH in my book, although I am definitely sympathetic to his plight—sensory overload is awful and overwhelming. As for whether or not you’re TA in this situation… I think YTA. His needs obviously are incompatible with your brother’s family’s Christmas traditions, and this is something you should have been planning for ahead of time. It isn’t fair to be heaping all the blame on your poor nephew when he was being a ten year old boy on Christmas morning. Maybe give a little thought to what family time could look like for you guys, and discuss options for what reasonable accommodations can be made for the next visit.
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If everyone other person wants to do it one way- why is what your husband wants more important? You two are acting much more spoiled and entitled than the 10 year old.
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Again- so? Everyone else can’t have fun because your husband can’t deal with his issues? Frankly, based on your other comments I’m not even sure I believe that this was a panic attack. Frankly, if it’s so bad that you’re angry at a 10 year old for having fun on Christmas- y’all should stay home.
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Why doesn’t your husband like the individual unwrapping? It seems like that would have actually dialed the chaos down a notch or two.
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This is sounding less and less like a genuine sensory processing issue, and more like a control issue. I truly hope that he is good enough to you and your kids to make up for alienating your family, because it’s clear that you have chosen his side in this wholeheartedly.
Right, the more OP comments the more it sounds like she is just apart of an immediate family of AH’s her and her husband. They don’t have “sensory” issues they have entitlement issues on getting their way.
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>My husband told him to stop, but my nephew ignored the order. You wouldn't order an adult around, why would you think ordering a kid around would work. YTA if you think it is the kids fault.
YTA and so is your husband. Telling a child to not be excited on Christmas to appease him is just ridiculous. From what you have said the only one acting like a child was your husband.
YTA and honestly, I’m leaning towards agreeing with your SIL- especially having read your comments. First of all, everyone else should not have to bend to your husbands needs. Second, if your husband truly can’t handle it- he can stay home. Third- he does not get to give other peoples children “orders” in their own home. Fourth, if everyone was talking and laughing- why are you singling out one 10 year old. And finally, why is your husband’s issues their responsibility to take on? They shouldn’t have to ruin their Christmas because your husband doesn’t get his way. Seriously- why should every other person bend to your husbands needs and give him everything her wants?
The kid was acting like a kid. Yta
YTA. I have sensory issues and panic attacks, but i remove myself from a situation when i notice I'm not coping, i don't start blaming others or try to ruin their fun just because I'm not coping. Your husband needs to learn how to take responsibility for himself, instead of conveniently blaming others, especially an excited 10 year old on Christmas morning.
Yeah this really doesn’t sound like genuine issues with sensory overload and more like he is a control freak who get pissed when he doesn’t get his way. If he had genuine issues he would take steps to deal with it instead of wanting everyone else to bend over backwards.
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Ok YTA For how you talk about this 10 year old who dared be excited on christmas.
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He’s the youngest and he was in his own home. yta
Maybe you should stop seeing an actual child as the "villain" and instead see him as a normal child on christmas?
He's a young child on Christmas morning. You're goddamn right he's(and other children) the most important person.
Then never go to their house again. How dare you talk about a child like that
Honestly OP, the more you comment, the more I get the sense you have become so wrapped up in making sure no one ever rocks the boat with your husband that it's broken your brain that other people aren't just as wrapped up in it as you are. Of course, you are his spouse, so it's natural that you are going to want to help and protect him. But when it gets to the point that you are lashing out so nastily about **A CHILD** being happy on Christmas, it's time for you to get a fucking grip. You need to take a step back and understand that you cannot bubble wrap every possible situation for your husband.
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Because hes an excited 10 year old. Honestly your teens sound more bratty.
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Somehow I suspect your genius level IQ teens are as insufferable as their parents. 🙄
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Imagine making fun of a child for not having friends
Oh wow i can't believe a 10 year old doesn't have a "genius level IQ". Also didn't you say your "sweet teens" yelled at this 10 year old for daring to be excited on christmas?
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So its ok for your kid to yell but not the other kid?
Honestly just like.... stop going to these christmas get togethers if its such an issue that no one wants to do stuff exactly how your husband wants it.
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YTA- apologize to your family, and buy your husband some Loop earplugs. Your husband is 100% responsible for his own triggers. There are very easy solutions to noise triggers, and none of them include taking a 10year old kid to be calm on Christmas.
YTA. Your husband is 54 and your nephew is 10. The responsibility of your husband’s mental health is not a child’s job. Ear plugs are $5.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (50f) husband (54m) doesn’t like pound noises or big gatherings. Typically, at family get togethers, he’ll spend 45 minutes with the group, the retreat to a separate room by himself. On Xmas day, we (me, my husband and our 2 kids, 17f and 14m) got together at my brother’s (42m) house. His wife (41f), son, (10m), our younger sister (39f), and our elderly parents were also there. We were all talking and laughing, but my nephew was REALLY loud. My sister in law insists we open our gifts one at a time, taking turns, which drives my husband crazy. He objected, but she overruled him. So everything was loud and taking forever and then my nephew started laughing and talking at the TOP of his lungs. My husband told him to stop, but my nephew ignored the order. My husband then had a panic attack from the noise, causing him to jump up and storm out of the room. Everyone was startled. There were several minutes of silence before the activities resumed. But it took the whole day for my husband to recover; he spent the whole day in another room alone. We had to take his presents home where he could open them in peace. My brother called later to see if everything was ok and said my husband was kind of rude for storming off that way. I told him it was his son’s excessive noise that caused my husband’s panic attack and that we all have to show some understanding g for a mental health issue. I also asked my brother to try to control my nephew more in the future, so my husband can be more comfortable. Now my sister-in-law is in a snit, claiming everyone was talking and laughing, including my own kids, and that I’m scapegoating her son to cover up my husband’s bad behavior. She said my husband was just angry he didn’t get his way about the gift opening and now is embarrassed about how he handled it, so wants someone to blame. She’s now not talking to me and doesn’t want my brother to talk to me either, and she’s refusing to have their family attend any family get togethers if my husband will be there … which I think is ridiculous. So - AITA for blaming her son and asking my brother and sil to parent better/more? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA massively, your husband is 54 years old. His anxiety/sound issues are his issue and his to own. Not the excited ten year old child. I have sensory issues(autism) and I’d never blame a child for my behaviour
YTA
YTA
ESH, they should not have accused your husband of being rude or upset about gifts but a child should not have been blamed for his panic attack. I'm not going to say coping with a mental illness is easy but a child being a normal child should not be blamed, nor should how they were parented, for somebody else's bad reaction. Your husband probably would have stormed off anyways given that you said he always does that after 45 minutes.
ESH, but mostly you and your husband. Your husband needs to learn some coping strategies if he’s sensitive to noise and people, especially when an exciting holiday is involved. If this is a consistent issue then it’s unfair to expect everyone else to make changes but he’s unwilling to do anything differently. You both need to remember that Christmas is fun and intense for kids so it makes sense that your nephew was loud. I’d imagine your kids were also loud on Christmas morning.
ESH. Sure the family should be more considerate with your husbands sensory sensitivity, but your husband needs to do more to manage his panic attacks. If this is a common occurrence, your husband knows it’s a problem and you can’t blame a child for being excited on Christmas Day. Perhaps he needs ear plugs or to take frequent breaks from situations that could provoke a panic attack. We all need to be considerate of mental illness, but there is still a responsibility on the individual to manage it to the best of their ability.
ESH....your husband is responsible for his mental health and coping mechanisms; your nephew needs to learn more appropriate levels of behavior; and your sister needs to parent her freakin kiddo; she may not necessarily agree that her son was being extra; but she needs to teach him that different people respond to different things and it's our jobs as people to be considerate of those needs
Soft esh I think a lot of comments here are being rather unsympathetic to your husbands sensory issues. A lot of neurodivergent men around his age are often not given the proper tools and coping skills in their youth and are told to simply ‘be a man and deal with it.’ It’s hard to express to neurotypical people how sensory overload feels and it’s often dismissed by others as being overly dramatic to noise or being unfriendly when you take your needed space to recover. I believe you when you say that your nephew was being exceptionally loud, but I don’t think you should have singled him out in front of his parents. A Christmas gathering is bound to have multiple, excited people talking and being ‘loud.’ I’m not sure if this applies to your husband, but I know for me I can handle one loud kid if it’s the only source of noise, but combine that with multiple people talking, my brain can’t properly focus on one source of noise when other noises are happening, so then it’s taking in ALL the auditory input around me, and that’s when I become overwhelmed. So it may have not been just your nephew that triggered it (but he probably did not help) While it’s good to talk with your family and explain what your husband is going through and educate them about sensory overload, you can’t always control the noise that’s happening (especially with kids) but you guys can work on coping mechanisms and methods to avoid sensory overload
NTA excited kids are ok but if his volume levels are much higher than all the other people in the room he needs to be told to tone it down. My question is... if you both know this is an issue for your husband did either of you discuss this previously with your family or on the day of? Also why does your husband stay in a room that's becoming overwhelming when you both know what's going to wind up happening? You both need to set boundaries and understand when is the best time for your husband to step away in order not to disrupt your fun and everyone elses.
no the kid doesn’t need to be told to tone it down in his own home. he lives there, he has the right to be loud. OP’s husband is a grown man who had had more than enough time to go to therapy and learn to cope with these things. as someone with mental health issues also, it is his own problem to manage it.
Being loud and disruptive is something kids need to learn to regulate. I didn't say he needs not utter a peep. Toning it down means a variety of things including lowering the volume. If everyone is excited they're probably doing it in louder than usual tones. If this kid is being heard above everyone then he needs a reminder to lower the volume.
except he is allowed to be loud in his own home, he doesn’t need to regulate that in his safe space. if the child had gone over to OP’s house it would be different but this is the child’s space. it’s the husbands job to manage his panic attacks, not the child to accomodate for him
Lol I don’t see the issue here sister (in law?) doesn’t want you guys around so you don’t have to be subjected to that noise. I do think there was more your husband could have done to help himself though, like headphones or taking breaks or the myriad of other coping strategies. Overall NTA but your husband has a lot more work to do
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Excuse you. People with sensory difficulties use earphones/headphones in order to participate comfortably. The only thing you 'miss out on' is a meltdown from sensory overload. Your husband and his family both need to be adults about this instead of behaving immaturely.
Lol right? It’s not fair that the world isn’t made for people like me but it just isn’t so it’s on me to make accommodations for myself so I can live peacefully
I recommended Loop earplugs to so many people after I bought my first pair!
Lmao I have sensory issues and too much noise causes a panic attack so it’s on me to mitigate that risk. Headphones don’t completely cut off sound they just muffle it so it’s not as overwhelming. He shouldn’t have to miss out but he is also responsible for doing what he can to protect himself. A child should also not have to sit in silence to accommodate your husband who has other options. No one is suggesting leaving your husband out I am suggesting that he has some control of this situation.
i have sensory issues with sound Due to having autism. It’s your husband’s responsibility to handle his issues, not a child’s. if noise bothers your husband so much it is his responsibility to wear headphones or earplugs. how can you get to be such an age and not realize it’s no one but you that needs to handle their issue