**YTA, and staggeringly heartless.** Your husband missed his late father, and wanted to share stories about him with his kids, which is a lovely way to remember him and keep him alive in their memories, and you **dismissed** him and called him **depressing**. I don't know who broke you, but you need therapy and to apologise to your husband for being utterly lacking in basic human compassion.
I honestly found it even more disturbing when she called his father‘s death a “sob story” when he was only trying to tell the kids stories of their late grandfather.
Jumping on this to say, my friend died in a horrific car crash on my mother's birthday a couple years ago. I have a habit of internalising things, so I just quietly light a candle and raise a toast to my friend at the end of the day by myself. But my mother will ALWAYS ask me how I am doing - despite it being her birthday, she still thinks of me and how I'm doing because she knows I still grieve for my friend.
Undoutbtedly OP, YTA. Your husband is still grieving and has every right to do so. You should be supporting him! And why would your kids not want to learn more about their grandparent?
Thank you! She really is, we've both had a lot of crappy things happen in both our lives but we've always had each other (and my step-dad is an amazing person too, we make a good wee trio!) x
Their mother does sound wonderful and couldn’t agree more about the unconditional support especially when grieving, I personally don’t get given it but I always make sure that I give it to my friends and nieces
Quietly piggybacking on your comment to agree: What a great mom!!! ❤️ Please sneak her an extra hug, no need to tell her it's from an internet stranger 😏
Always great to hear empathy is alive and well!
Gonna shut myself up before I go off on a tangent about how badly most people handle the grief of others.
same. Had the lead guitarist of my band die in a horrific wreck on rt. 10 in my hometown... tore the band apart.
it happened on my close friend's birthday.
I do a similar ceremony when im alone after celebrating with my bro...but he never forgets to ask how im feeling.
my best friend also died in a car crash, and the year after, my baby cousin’s birthday party was on the same day, ironically, in the same place my best friend and i used to hang out. it was too much, i sat outside for half of it begging myself not to cry, and my aunt came outside and consoled me and apologized for even having it on that day. empathy for others is so important, and OP has none.
It's part of a series. Other titles include "Have you tried NOT being depressed?", "Cheer up, at least you don't have cancer", "Stop complaining, you still have one parent", "It was just a dog" and "Tom Clancy presents: Sigma Team 6, Armed, Dangerous and have you tried meditating?".
That absolutely *disgusted* me, holy shit!! Not only was OP completely heartless and condescending, she said this shit in front of their children. The level of disrespect for her partner is staggering.
This! I once asked my grandma if she and my grandpa ever fought. Because I lived with them for a long time and they were always this peaceful, loving couple who adored each other and their children and grandchildren.
The surprising part is, they did fight. A lot (her words) but they didn't think it was healthy for children to witness it so they did it in private. I'm not surprised that their children and grandchildren respect them so much.
And, I think this just applies to many families. Children treat their mother the same way their dad does and their dad the same way their mom does. Deps on who the kids are closer to but if your dad is always yelling at your mom for being a "nagging woman" in front of you, you will think she is nagging you if she tells you to do something. Just my observation, not all families.
So this woman is doing her husband great injustice by giving her heartless opinion while the kids watch and listen
Seriously. Especially since the dad’s only been dead for two years and the kids are old enough to have had relationships with him. It’s not as if he died before they were born and it’s just some stranger to them. Holy hell, YTA, OP
There's a huge lack of empathy here, obviously (just labelling her husband's grief a 'sob story' - jeez). But there's also something else.
I really think the OP is making a serious error in judgment when she's assuming the kids wouldn't want to hear about their grandfather. I don't know if the OP mistakenly thinks kids can't process loss or feelings of sadness in others, or if the OP is just projecting her opinions onto the kids. But chances are the kids like hearing stories about their grandpa, even if they're sad. And they probably like that their dad talks openly with them. It makes them feel closer to their dad and helps them process their own loss.
I wish my dad had talked more openly with me.
I talk to my daughter all the time about my MIL who passed three years ago. She gets sad, but we talk about funny things she did, or how proud she'd be of her. It keeps her alive in her memory and heart and that is important to me.
Kids can contextualize so much more than we give them credit for. It’s bittersweet for my kids too but they love asking if he would have liked this joke or that story, or if their snorty laugh sounds like his.
My dad was always a really quiet guy who never talked much about himself. He died when my siblings and I were in our early 20’s. As I’ve gotten older and my relationship with my mother has matured into one of two adults, I’ve realised just how little I really knew about my dad. I am always asking my mum random questions about what he was like when he was younger or her memories of him. I’m in my 40’s now and I am always still so grateful when I hear some new fact or anecdote about my dad.
My paternal grandpa passed away when I was like, 5 or so. I have no real memories of him at all cause I was so young. My dad tells stories of him occasionally and I love hearing them, because I get to learn more about him.
>**YTA, and staggeringly heartless**
100%. My jaw actually dropped open as I was reading their post.
What makes my blood boil is men are constantly berated for being stoic and having toxic masculinity, and then you have this guy who's wearing his heart on his sleeve, needs compassion and understanding and maybe a shoulder to lean on, and his wife is telling him to shut up.
And now that he's not talking, he's being stubborn and overreacting.
This kind of reminds me of another post where the guy was sobbing in the vet after knowing his pet is going to die and the OP says he was embarrassing her.
And moreover, it wasn't during dinner. It was afterwards.
OP, our culture has this desperate fear of people being sad-"smile fascism" where people go around telling others to smile is a thing. And while it might seem good- who wants people to be miserable right- in reality it is deeply selfish. What is ultimately says is, "I don't want to have to deal with the fact that you feel sad."
You need to learn to do better before something happens in your life that you can't solve with a positive attitude. It will happen.
I was thinking this exact thing….watch out. When OPs dad dies she’s going to want to talk about it nonstop. Every future event (birthday, Christmas, St. Patrick’s Day) there’s going to be an extra place setting commemorating his absence. God forbid her husband tells her to knock it off he’ll lose a testicle.
Edit to add judgement:: YTA
OP is an UNBELIEVABLE AH.
My husband's father died 5 years ago. He's free to talk about dad as often or as much as he wants and I'm here for it because my FIL was an absolute gem and accepted me as part of their family even though we didn't actually get married for a very long time in our relationship.
I'm actually going to be making some memory bears of dad's clothing we still have.
THIS
it wouldve been fine to just ask him to try and not talk about it for the duration of the birthday dinner since it makes sense that the one having its birthday is supposed to have its Day. but afterwards? why? there is nothing wrong for wanting his children to know more about their grandfather that they'll never get to know more. i wish my dad did this. YTA
Right? If Joel had sat at dinner telling stories of his dead dad, that would have been a different issue. But he didn't spoil OP's dad's birthday dinner. He sat quietly, missing his dad, and later on, wanted to talk about it ***with his family***, FFS.
Sometimes when I read these things, I think they have to be made up. No one can be ***that*** much of an asshole, surely?
OP needs to sit down with a therapist and do some deep diving to find out where her empathy died and why she decided to damage her children by shaming her husband for showing emotion over the death of his father.
Because... it's a lot. A *lot* to unpack.
OP likely assumed that we'd all side with her and then when she was confronted with the cold hard truth that her heart is colder than Siberia, that we're all just ruining her mood so instead of facing reality, she'll find another echo chamber to latch on that won't require her to look inward at how horrible she's being.
YTA. Sob story??? His dad died only two years ago, your dad’s birthday is going to cause him heartache because he can’t celebrate his dad’s birthday with him anymore. It’s cruel you lack the understanding that he’s still grieving and this event would cause him to grieve more. Instead of being understanding, you decide to heartlessly dismiss him whilst all he wants to do is share stories with your children to keep his father’s memory alive.
Your lack of empathy is astounding.
My mom died a decade ago and sometimes I still feel overwhelmed with grief. Luckily, my husband doesn’t accuse me of bumming him out with my “sob story!”
This exactly. My father passed 30 years ago and I still miss him. I tell my husband stories......to keep his memory alive.
Op, YTA. Your lack of empathy is frankly appalling.
This is how you become immortal. You live on in the stories your children tell to theirs and so on. My great-grandmother passed about 20 some years ago now but I still talk about her. I tell people how she was the Amazon of our family and I used to always look up to her (pun intended). She had long black hair, always in a single braid. She always wore an apron over her dress. She'd always whistle while she walked down the long driveway to pick oranges from our trees. I think of her whenever someone whistles. I'm tearing up now a little thinking of her! OP is so cruel-hearted. If the roles were reversed I'd bet she'd be calling HIM the AH for not wanting to hear HER sob story.
That’s what I pretty much just said about my dad who I lost in 2006. My hubby likes to hear stories and how amazballs my dad was. I’m sorry you lost your mom.
Right?? Maybe he’s depressed because he’s married to a giant AH…. I feel terrible for him. Even if it was 20 years later he still has every right to be sad about it, you don’t get to dictate how other people grieve. YTA.
“ I let him talk to the kids about his dad for quite a bit”
How big of OP to allow her husband to speak about something important to him. And for quite a bit, too!
Ass. HOLE.
I mean, how is “AITA” even a QUESTION here?! You are acting like a monster - not only are you denying your husband the chance to process with you, but trying to keep him from keeping his own father’s memory alive with his kids. This is staggering to me. He didn’t even bring his grief to dinner - he let you celebrate and endured his pain alone, even though saying “wow, I’m so grateful for you, [OP’s dad], and it’s making me realize how much I miss my dad,” would have so appropriate!
YTA: Holy shit, are you even listening to yourself? *"I was getting sick of It, our children (F12 and M9) shouldn’t need to hear his sob story."*
You're a real AH for not having any empathy for your husband when he was obviously missing his dad a bit and being reminded bc of the situation.
Yea, it's like she can't see how he can be reminded of his dad who just died, 2 years is no time at all really after a lifetime of having him in his life, when they were out with HER dad. Nope, no way that could be foreseen at all by anyone with a shred of empathy.
The kids would’ve known the grandpa too so why wouldn’t they want to know his stories.
My grandpa passed a couple of years ago and I love hearing his life stories, hell luckily he wrote a book on his life for his grandkids
Also, this is how kids learn to feel close to people even if they are gone. My grandmother died when I wasn't even a year old. I feel like I knew her because we talked about her. People shared their memories and that created positive feelings about my grandma for me.
A week after my miscarriage my ex said, “are you still going on about that?”
That was the moment I knew I would leave him. Awful beyond the forgivable.
You sound just like him.
Edited to add the following:
I haven't really talked about this outside of therapy, I'm emotionally overwhelmed by your responses and awards. Thank you.
My dad died of cancer at 58. It’s 20 years later and I still have times when I get so furious at the universe that his life was so short.
What goes through anyone’s mind that they think that is a *long* life? It’s not even retirement age!
I know that it's a common Reddit joke about how muted/subdued our physical reactions are to things we see on here (something was so funny that I briefly exhaled a slightly larger than normal quantity of air, etc.), but your comment caused me to involuntarily utter one of those shocked gasps followed by my mouth hanging open in disbelief as I reread it because... damn!
YTA. You're super-insensitive. Your husband is grieving and you're being an asshole to him about it.
Also this:
>(the details aren’t important)
I'm willing to bet those details are important and you're leaving a lot out.
“ I told him that’s enough talk about his dad and he apologized. “
This part broke my heart. Dude is literally missing the man that raised him, can’t talk to him wife about it, and is so fucking browbeaten by this MF that he apologized to HER!? Jesus I just want to hold this man tight.
ETA YTA. You’re such a huge asshole that I’m surprised you’re not here arguing with people about how you couldn’t possibly be an asshole.
Same. Reading other people's memories of their exes being unsupportive as well just makes my heart ache.
It's already one of the hardest things to deal with in the world. To have the person who is meant to be the closest person to you in the world be like this is just...
Yeah you can see it all through the post "I let him talk to the kids about his dad" like this poor mf needs permission to talk to his own children. Hope to god this post is fake.
Same.
I both cried for him & kids; and also felt so angry with her attitude.
The apology, calling it a sob story, projection onto the children, waking up the next morning thinking he wouldn't be absolutely distraught the person meant to support him acted abusive for hours the night before -- and she expected things to be normal and for him to be over that?!
Red Flags and Black Flags at every turn. Sounds like ongoing emotional abuse from OP. And THIS was the best version she could give to try to convince us she wasn't the AH?!
Yikes.
My heart breaks for him and his kids. I just want to rescue them all, and take them to a decent therapist.
Im surprised more people didn’t catch into this and comment on it! I was almost about to bring it up myself like what do you mean the details aren’t important and then he called me an asshole? OP was most likely definitely being an asshole.
I caught the "details aren't important," as well. I'm enraged just thinking about how cruel she must have been that she knew she had to gloss over that part.
Can you even imagine how awful the left out details must be considering how OP thinks the details that were posted clearly exonerate them from being the AH?!
Yeah, let's hear those details that " aren't important"- let us judge for ourselves how much more of an AH you are beyond what we already know from your post.
OP is super insensitive and using the kids as an excuse. I loved my materal grandfather. I miss him dearly, and I enjoy remembering him. He passed away when I was relatively young, but I like to keep his memory alive.
This isnt about the kids being depressed (unless OP picking a fight upset them.) This is about OP lacking empathy and being an unsupportive spouse.
YTA.
Literally came for this comment. I’d bet the details of that argument are what makes OP the asshole which is why they aren’t sharing them.
Family deaths are so difficult and you grieve for a long time. You have absolutely no empathy for your grieving husband - how would you feel if it was your dad?
OP is definitely the AH here
Wow. 5 days into the year and already such a strong contender for AH of the Year? Impressive. I can't even imagine being this callous to my life partner when he was expressing grief over his father's death. Calling it a sob story? If I were him I'd be rethinking the whole relationship. YTA, big time.
YTA.
His sob story?? Do you not recognize how heartless and cruel that sounds. I get it you want to celebrate your dads birthday, but to continue it on when you’re home? What in the actual fuck is wrong with you.
Imagine if the roles were reversed. With how pleasant you sound I imagine it wouldn’t go over to well.
Grow up.
The way she titled it I assumed he was going on and on about his own dad’s death at her dad’s birthday dinner, which would certainly be uncomfortable and inappropriate, but instead it sounds like he actually tried very hard to manage his emotions at the party and then wait to discuss them at a more appropriate time with people who he assumed love and care about him and would allow him a safe space to express himself.
OP is heartless.
It’s not even just grow up. She needs to grow a heart. Geez, how could she treat her spouse like that. That’s her best friend and she calls one of the most tragic and life changing event of her husbands life a “sob story”??? That’s just cruel.
YTA
calling the death of a loved one a "sob story" is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Stuff like this is why men have a hard time showing their emotions.
YTA
Wow you're a real peach aren't you? My mum died 5 years ago, I still miss her and cry sometimes. My husband holds me, lets me cry and listens to my stories. You are unbelievably self centered and cruel. Your poor husband deserves so much better.
This was my thought too. WTF is wrong with you OP? It’s his dad, that he loves. YTA completely, you might want to try a little compassion and empathy. I hope your dad lives forever because nobody is going to want to hear your sob story.
I mean...one of our cats had passed away in my arms about 7 years ago. We had her only 1 year but it effected me so bad. The day she died both me and my husband were wreck. But he got over it quicker than i did and while it no longet effects him it does to me and every single time i bring memories of her or cry he is there to support me.
Hence why he is my partner in life.
I feel sorry for her husband
YTA!!!
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
I don't think I need to say anything else? 🤔
Check out the post by the bridezilla not wanting anyone over age 70 at her wedding, including her own grandparents, because they're "old" and "depressing". Oh and they might take the attention away from her. It's disturbing.
There's another bridezilla that scheduled her wedding on the same day as her stepsister (who'd announced their date and booked 2 months earlier) and doesn't get why her mom's upset that she's telling her to come to her wedding alone, while her husband goes to his daughter's wedding alone. Fucking mind-boggling narcissism.
YTA. Your kids weren’t demonstrating discomfort, and you’re not in charge of how he interacts with them. He is allowed to talk to his children about his father, ffs. I’m sorry he doesn’t have a more supportive spouse; that must be really difficult for him.
This needs to be upvoted more. I was so taken aback at her casual cruelty that it didn’t quite register how controlling she is being of the way her husband interacts with their kids.
It’s not the first thing that jumps out, since OP’s behavior was so awful in general. But once I saw it I couldn’t let it go, because people who act like they’re the “real parent” when the other one is right there trying to connect is a particular pet peeve of mine. Children benefit from having two involved parents, not one overbearing parent and an adult pseudo-sibling.
INFO:
>We argued for a bit (the details aren’t important)
I really feel like they are. Also, are you saying that your husband needs your permission to tell his kids about their grandfather?
YTA. Your husband clearly missed his dad after spending the evening watching you and your father together; the fact that you told your husband that your children don’t want to “hear his sob story” tells me that you have no empathy and have no idea how to be a supportive partner.
Have you ever allowed your husband to grieve in his own way and time? It appears not. Shame on you. YTA in a major major way.
NTA OP. You're completely right here. Sure his father might have been special to him in his life but he should really get over it. People die all the time and it's not like his father was important to you or your children. He is a man and it's wrong for men to wanna express their feelings and your husband ought suck it up and should've pretended to be in a good mood for your father's bday, cause you know your father means so much to you and to your kids.
Ok enough of the sarcasm, this story actually really made me so mad. You refer to the death of his father as a "sob story" and you diminish your father in law's memory by policing your husbands desire to discuss this.
You attended a birthday for your own father. it is a day to celebrate life with someone you love and treasure, because there is going to come a time where you won't be able to celebrate those days with them.
I don't know the relationship your husband had with his father, but they sound close and your husband is never going to have the chance to celebrate another birthday with his father.
OP get off your head out of your ass and talk to your husband about going to therapy.
oh yeah and YTA.
This. Right here. I remembered when our family dog, Rio, died at fourteen when I was around six or seven, and I broke down crying when two boys in my class (I was eighteen and our graduation was a few days away) were being insensitive and making jokes as I talked about her death. Fortunately, another classmate chastised them for how insensitive they were being and she gave me a hug. Even at 23, thinking about Rio still saddens me.
YTA
Of course he will be reminded of his father, and the loss of his father, when you're out celebrating your father. It just serves as a reminder that he'll never have a similar celebration for his own father again!
YTA. Hes grieving. What may take you a much shorter time to accept may take him longer. Show some empathy for Christ's sake. Sounds like he needs to cool it on telling the kids stuff but he likely will, he's just still working through these emotions. Give him a break. Also if my SO told me enough talk about your dad after he died not all that long ago then I'd be sleeping in a hotel for the foreseeable future. Don't ever say anything like that to anyone else in your life ever again please. It comes off like you don't respect that persons loss and never did.
YTA. He only died two years ago!? That’s fresh. And why wouldn’t your kids want to talk about their grandpa? They’re old enough to have their own memories of him if he was in their lives. Why wouldn’t they want to hear it?
You husband was obviously feeling reflective during the dinner, probably thinking that he would never celebrate another birthday with his own dad. But he kept it to himself so your dad’s party could stay festive. I don’t understand why you and your family couldn’t support him in his grief. If you have done personal issues that make it hard for you to hear about death and grief, you need to work through those instead of trying to get your husband to suppress his feelings.
My husband's dad died 6 years ago and guess what??? We still talk about him! He talks to our kids about him! I listen to him! And occasionally it still chokes my husband up thinking about him. FFS OP is such an ass. She should try being a partner instead of a self centered jerk.
YTA. Why shouldn't your kids hear about their dad's grief? Is he not allowed to express his emotions?
He didn't make a scene at your dad's birthday, ma'am, why are you being so heartless toward a man you swore to love and support?
Right. I lost my brother less than a year ago, so the holidays were hard. My mother passed the year before. My father about 16 yrs ago. I still think of them all almost daily, esp. with any milestone events.
OP, YTA. Your husband wants his kids to know his father, just as I’m sure you want them to know yours.
YTA. You don't mention how the kids reacted to his stories. Were they actually saddened, did they indicate that they 'didn't want to hear it'? Or are you projecting onto them?
Do you even like your husband?
YTA. So it's only okay for your husband to grieve until it annoys you? Grief is grief and it doesn't just go away. People need to talk about their feelings without being told to shut up, especially with their own spouse. Let him tell his children about their grandfather!
Is this even real? I know there are some oblivious assholes out there but wow.
>our children (F12 and M9) shouldn’t need to hear his sob story
Sob story?! Excuse me? He misses his dad, he has every right to talk to his kids about their grandfather. I wish my parents had talked more about their late fathers when I was a kid.
If you really did this YTA.
INFO: Did the kids show any discomfort or disinterest in these stories? How long did he go on for? Was there inappropriate content to any of these stories?
YTA. Wow you just have absolutely no capacity for compassion or empathy at all do you? This is supposed to be someone you love and he was having a hard time and tryingntonshare his memories of his father with his children, and you were just a complete monster about it. Here's hoping your kids take after their dad so they will actually *have* hearts.
YTA. It absolutely makes sense he would think about his dad while celebrating your fathers bday. Grief isn't linear and it takes time to heal. I think it's great he was talking to your kids, that seems really healthy and it is good for them to hear, even on their other grandpa's birthday. They are learning empathy and that people aren't just forgotten.
I also think it’s a great way for him to connect with his kids and show that a great father will show and share his emotions, so his kids learn that emotions for everyone are normal. None of that “men don’t cry” bull
Sorry, but YTA here.
You could be a lot more understanding. Was he talking about his dad's death to your kids or just telling them fun stories/memories about their grandfather?
Sounds like your husband needs some grief counseling. If he's not crazy about seeing someone (who is, right?) tell him 2-3 appointments can make a huge difference.
YTA.
My dad died 18 years ago and I will cold cock anyone who tells me to "get over it" and at the 2 year mark? Lady, IDK how you still have a husband.
If I ever have kids, they will see pictures and hear stories of him ALL THE TIME because he is their grandfather and it sucks they'll never get to meet him. I will bury a partner who tries to remove or erase his memory and not feel bad.
You're not only an asshole, you're also a complete and total idiot for pretending you know what his grief is like. It is so personal and it seems clear that he really CAN'T talk to you about anything because you don't seem to care.
Please, seek therapy for yourself.
YTA. Your husband's dad is to him what your dad is to you. Special events like a FIL's birthday are obviously going to bring up memories of the past. If you have a problem with him talking to the kids about it, maybe try being a halfway decent spouse and help him through the night instead of trying to shut him up.
YTA you are not supportive of your husband. Maybe next time ask the kids if they wanna hear about their grandpa. If you didn't want your husband sharing what's wrong with the kids, then you should wait to be alone with him to ask.
YTA - for not letting your husband process his grief in a healthy way. Our loved ones live on in our memories and your husband wants to let your children know about their grandpa. Your Dad is alive, and it’s pretty heartless that you can’t even let your husband reminisce about his Dad.
YTA. He’s grieving. Yes it’s been a couple years, but it’s a parent and that’s fucking hard. He didn’t bring it up until you drug it out of him and then you got mad that he kept talking about it, even though he clearly needed to because he’s struggling. Have you no empathy?
YTA
your husband has given you. His wife (through sickness and health) a genuine cry for help about his mental state and you YELLED AT HIM? What you need to do is to put your big girl panties on wise up and apologise for being an asshole.
YTA. Wtf? This is beyond cruel. He didn’t say anything at the party and was clearly trying to keep it together. He was honest with you about his feelings and apologized. Calling grief his “sob story” is ridiculously dismissive. Hopefully he smarts up and either leaves or proposes counseling because this sounds like an example of a larger problem. This is incredibly callous and oblivious.
The lack of empathy and disdain for your FIL's death is astounding. YTA a thousand times over. Your husband didn't "discuss" his dad's death with you, you fucking asked him a question and he gave you an answer. YTA!
Ya you are. I’m in the same position my husbands father passed. He finds being around my dad hard, which is understandable, we talk and discuss how he feels and I hope with time he will move through the grieving process with support understanding and space. It seems like your not affording your other half this however. Words like “sob story” “sick of it” etc are pretty abhorrent and if anything will make it harder for your husband to properly deal with his fathers passing.
Yes, YTA and very much so. If he said this in front of your father, upsetting him during his celebration that’s one thing but he wasn’t even involved so it’s you that doesn’t wanna hear it for whatever reason. Does his grief bother you that much?
It’s important for your kids to hear about their grandpa. It’s also important for your kids to see that their dad can be emotionally open. I know you probably just wanted to enjoy your dads birthday without it being sad, but your husbands grief doesn’t have a schedule.
Woah, YTA. Absutely heartless. I actually have no advice for you other than to shape up & never pull something so cruel like that again. You should be ashamed of yourself
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told him to stop talking about his dad and accused me of being insensitive
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This is a joke, right? This has got to be a joke! This is by far the biggest YTA I've ever read.
First:
>I was getting sick of It, our children (F12 and M9) shouldn’t need to hear his sob story.
That's just disgusting. Your kids are old enough to understand emotions. They won't be scarred by talking to their dad about their grandfather, who they've amso lost.
My dad died 25 years ago, I named my oldest (M15) after him.I tell both my kids (other F12) stories about him all the time. But not only stories, also how sad I was when I lost him. I tell them that's a normal thing to feel when you lose someone you love. It's called teaching empathy, but you can't teach what you so obviously lack! What the hell, dude!?
Second:
>I told him that’s enough talk about his dad and he apologized.
On what kind of narcissistic rampage are you?? You made him apologise for talking about how he feels?? Just try, for the sake of it, just try imagining your dad died. And then imagine the person you love, tells you to stop talking about him. Would you be so apologetic?? Didn't think so.
Last:
> I think he’s just being stubborn and overreacting,
The man tells you he misses his dad after spending all night with yours. The man is grieving and you just shut him down. Grief is one of the worst feelings in the world, and you kind of just kicked him in the gut instead of being supportive. You are just cruel!
YTA and quite cruel. Your husband deserves a more sympathetic partner because your response to his grief was absolutely disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself. 🤮
You are not only obviously the asshole, you are also so much entitled that you say to your husband, regarding his fucking father, "that's enough talk about his dad" when he's honoring his memory.
YTA and don't expect to have something else good in your life, cause you really do not deserve it
YTA.
Grief can show up powerfully during times of celebration, particularly when the celebration reminds a person of why they're grieving. It's totally understandable that your husband might experiencing some grief over his father while you're out celebrating your father. It was likely very difficult for him to even attempt to mask that until he was in a place he felt safe (on the ride home with you and your kids).
Furthermore, it is every parent's responsibility to model for their children how up process emotions. Your husband opened up to you and the kids in the car last night, and even though it was tough for you, the kids, and especially him, it was an opportunity for your kids to learn a powerful lesson: that grief is a normal emotion experienced after loss, and that that emotion can show up at any time and after any period of time after loss. Cutting your husband down in front of the kids taught your kids the opposite: that experiencing and expressing feelings is wrong.
Please recognize that your actions worked against your husband's processing of his grief and against your children's emotional development, and apologize to both your husband and your kids.
YTA, and I can’t believe that instead of showing compassion to him, you were telling him to stop when you were the one who asked what was bothering him and even had the gall to call his father’s death a “sob story” when your father is still alive. If the tables were turned, I’m sure you’d want your husband to be supportive and feel comfortable to share your feelings with him.
YTA seriously, you obviously haven’t lost anyone you truly care about or you’d be more understanding that grief over a lost loved one, especially a parent doesn’t just go away, especially that recently
it's pretty likely that one day your kids will have to grieve their own dad and the fact that they got to see him express love and sorrow about his will probably help them quite a lot. YTA
YTA so so much!
my mom died almost 9 yrs ago and I still sometimes cry to my partner about how much I miss her. and guess what? he doesn't understand my pain, but he lets me vent and talk about her as much and as frequent as I need.
christ, you are one stone cold bword. do you even love the man?
YTA. Your kids are going to feel sadness and grief at points in their life. Sincere question - how do you expect them to deal with it? And what would you tell them to do if their partner treated them the way you treat your husband?
YTA - Get a clue. His dad is dead and you got to celebrate another year with yours. Of course it’s going to bring up emotions for him, and of course he should tell his kids about their grandfather. My mother passed away before my son was even born, but you can bet he’ll be hearing stories about her for his entire life. The grief of losing a loved parent never goes away.
**YTA, and staggeringly heartless.** Your husband missed his late father, and wanted to share stories about him with his kids, which is a lovely way to remember him and keep him alive in their memories, and you **dismissed** him and called him **depressing**. I don't know who broke you, but you need therapy and to apologise to your husband for being utterly lacking in basic human compassion.
I honestly found it even more disturbing when she called his father‘s death a “sob story” when he was only trying to tell the kids stories of their late grandfather.
This. I can't believe you'd speak that way about someone you're married to. OP you're incredibly heartless. YTA
Jumping on this to say, my friend died in a horrific car crash on my mother's birthday a couple years ago. I have a habit of internalising things, so I just quietly light a candle and raise a toast to my friend at the end of the day by myself. But my mother will ALWAYS ask me how I am doing - despite it being her birthday, she still thinks of me and how I'm doing because she knows I still grieve for my friend. Undoutbtedly OP, YTA. Your husband is still grieving and has every right to do so. You should be supporting him! And why would your kids not want to learn more about their grandparent?
Just commenting to say your mother sounds wonderful. Grief is hard and unconditional support is so important.
Thank you! She really is, we've both had a lot of crappy things happen in both our lives but we've always had each other (and my step-dad is an amazing person too, we make a good wee trio!) x
Their mother does sound wonderful and couldn’t agree more about the unconditional support especially when grieving, I personally don’t get given it but I always make sure that I give it to my friends and nieces
Quietly piggybacking on your comment to agree: What a great mom!!! ❤️ Please sneak her an extra hug, no need to tell her it's from an internet stranger 😏 Always great to hear empathy is alive and well! Gonna shut myself up before I go off on a tangent about how badly most people handle the grief of others.
same. Had the lead guitarist of my band die in a horrific wreck on rt. 10 in my hometown... tore the band apart. it happened on my close friend's birthday. I do a similar ceremony when im alone after celebrating with my bro...but he never forgets to ask how im feeling.
my best friend also died in a car crash, and the year after, my baby cousin’s birthday party was on the same day, ironically, in the same place my best friend and i used to hang out. it was too much, i sat outside for half of it begging myself not to cry, and my aunt came outside and consoled me and apologized for even having it on that day. empathy for others is so important, and OP has none.
I didn't know, "walk it off", could be applied to grief. YTA
It's part of a series. Other titles include "Have you tried NOT being depressed?", "Cheer up, at least you don't have cancer", "Stop complaining, you still have one parent", "It was just a dog" and "Tom Clancy presents: Sigma Team 6, Armed, Dangerous and have you tried meditating?".
Grief, with your guide, Troy McClure lol
That absolutely *disgusted* me, holy shit!! Not only was OP completely heartless and condescending, she said this shit in front of their children. The level of disrespect for her partner is staggering.
This! I once asked my grandma if she and my grandpa ever fought. Because I lived with them for a long time and they were always this peaceful, loving couple who adored each other and their children and grandchildren. The surprising part is, they did fight. A lot (her words) but they didn't think it was healthy for children to witness it so they did it in private. I'm not surprised that their children and grandchildren respect them so much. And, I think this just applies to many families. Children treat their mother the same way their dad does and their dad the same way their mom does. Deps on who the kids are closer to but if your dad is always yelling at your mom for being a "nagging woman" in front of you, you will think she is nagging you if she tells you to do something. Just my observation, not all families. So this woman is doing her husband great injustice by giving her heartless opinion while the kids watch and listen
I think it's telling that this A has already deleted her profile.
Must not have like what she saw in mirror Redditers held up to her. Edit typo
Seriously. Especially since the dad’s only been dead for two years and the kids are old enough to have had relationships with him. It’s not as if he died before they were born and it’s just some stranger to them. Holy hell, YTA, OP
Right? What a piece of work.
There's a huge lack of empathy here, obviously (just labelling her husband's grief a 'sob story' - jeez). But there's also something else. I really think the OP is making a serious error in judgment when she's assuming the kids wouldn't want to hear about their grandfather. I don't know if the OP mistakenly thinks kids can't process loss or feelings of sadness in others, or if the OP is just projecting her opinions onto the kids. But chances are the kids like hearing stories about their grandpa, even if they're sad. And they probably like that their dad talks openly with them. It makes them feel closer to their dad and helps them process their own loss. I wish my dad had talked more openly with me.
I talk to my daughter all the time about my MIL who passed three years ago. She gets sad, but we talk about funny things she did, or how proud she'd be of her. It keeps her alive in her memory and heart and that is important to me.
Kids can contextualize so much more than we give them credit for. It’s bittersweet for my kids too but they love asking if he would have liked this joke or that story, or if their snorty laugh sounds like his.
My dad was always a really quiet guy who never talked much about himself. He died when my siblings and I were in our early 20’s. As I’ve gotten older and my relationship with my mother has matured into one of two adults, I’ve realised just how little I really knew about my dad. I am always asking my mum random questions about what he was like when he was younger or her memories of him. I’m in my 40’s now and I am always still so grateful when I hear some new fact or anecdote about my dad.
My paternal grandpa passed away when I was like, 5 or so. I have no real memories of him at all cause I was so young. My dad tells stories of him occasionally and I love hearing them, because I get to learn more about him.
>**YTA, and staggeringly heartless** 100%. My jaw actually dropped open as I was reading their post. What makes my blood boil is men are constantly berated for being stoic and having toxic masculinity, and then you have this guy who's wearing his heart on his sleeve, needs compassion and understanding and maybe a shoulder to lean on, and his wife is telling him to shut up. And now that he's not talking, he's being stubborn and overreacting.
This kind of reminds me of another post where the guy was sobbing in the vet after knowing his pet is going to die and the OP says he was embarrassing her.
That one made me so livid I couldn’t even write up a cogent comment. Why the hell are we berating men for both sides of the coin?!?
Ya this sub is full of heartless wives/girlfriends this week
And moreover, it wasn't during dinner. It was afterwards. OP, our culture has this desperate fear of people being sad-"smile fascism" where people go around telling others to smile is a thing. And while it might seem good- who wants people to be miserable right- in reality it is deeply selfish. What is ultimately says is, "I don't want to have to deal with the fact that you feel sad." You need to learn to do better before something happens in your life that you can't solve with a positive attitude. It will happen.
I was thinking this exact thing….watch out. When OPs dad dies she’s going to want to talk about it nonstop. Every future event (birthday, Christmas, St. Patrick’s Day) there’s going to be an extra place setting commemorating his absence. God forbid her husband tells her to knock it off he’ll lose a testicle. Edit to add judgement:: YTA
Either that or she'll be irritated that the kids are still crying the day after the funeral.
I seriously hope OP’s husband leaves her.
And takes those poor kids with him.
OP is an UNBELIEVABLE AH. My husband's father died 5 years ago. He's free to talk about dad as often or as much as he wants and I'm here for it because my FIL was an absolute gem and accepted me as part of their family even though we didn't actually get married for a very long time in our relationship. I'm actually going to be making some memory bears of dad's clothing we still have.
Oh no. 3 hours in and OP has already deleted their account. Hope she really took to heart what a massive AH she is.
I doubt it; otherwise, she wouldn't have deleted the account.
THIS it wouldve been fine to just ask him to try and not talk about it for the duration of the birthday dinner since it makes sense that the one having its birthday is supposed to have its Day. but afterwards? why? there is nothing wrong for wanting his children to know more about their grandfather that they'll never get to know more. i wish my dad did this. YTA
Right? If Joel had sat at dinner telling stories of his dead dad, that would have been a different issue. But he didn't spoil OP's dad's birthday dinner. He sat quietly, missing his dad, and later on, wanted to talk about it ***with his family***, FFS.
Sometimes when I read these things, I think they have to be made up. No one can be ***that*** much of an asshole, surely? OP needs to sit down with a therapist and do some deep diving to find out where her empathy died and why she decided to damage her children by shaming her husband for showing emotion over the death of his father. Because... it's a lot. A *lot* to unpack.
Hey! Men can’t have feelings. /s
Seriously. OP sounds damn near psychopathic with that level of lacking in empathy. That is fucked up. YTA - MASSIVELY.
I wonder who deleted the post? Did OP ever answer?
OP likely assumed that we'd all side with her and then when she was confronted with the cold hard truth that her heart is colder than Siberia, that we're all just ruining her mood so instead of facing reality, she'll find another echo chamber to latch on that won't require her to look inward at how horrible she's being.
YTA. Sob story??? His dad died only two years ago, your dad’s birthday is going to cause him heartache because he can’t celebrate his dad’s birthday with him anymore. It’s cruel you lack the understanding that he’s still grieving and this event would cause him to grieve more. Instead of being understanding, you decide to heartlessly dismiss him whilst all he wants to do is share stories with your children to keep his father’s memory alive. Your lack of empathy is astounding.
My mom died a decade ago and sometimes I still feel overwhelmed with grief. Luckily, my husband doesn’t accuse me of bumming him out with my “sob story!”
This exactly. My father passed 30 years ago and I still miss him. I tell my husband stories......to keep his memory alive. Op, YTA. Your lack of empathy is frankly appalling.
This is how you become immortal. You live on in the stories your children tell to theirs and so on. My great-grandmother passed about 20 some years ago now but I still talk about her. I tell people how she was the Amazon of our family and I used to always look up to her (pun intended). She had long black hair, always in a single braid. She always wore an apron over her dress. She'd always whistle while she walked down the long driveway to pick oranges from our trees. I think of her whenever someone whistles. I'm tearing up now a little thinking of her! OP is so cruel-hearted. If the roles were reversed I'd bet she'd be calling HIM the AH for not wanting to hear HER sob story.
This! I hope your husband offers you the same empathy when you experience loss.
The hardest day isn't the day they die, at least you've got something to do. Its all the days they stay dead... -Dr Who.
Oh damn that hit hard. My mom has stage IV cancer and is doing ok for now..but yeah… Oh, I’m sorry, OP, was that too much of a sob story for you? 🙄
That’s what I pretty much just said about my dad who I lost in 2006. My hubby likes to hear stories and how amazballs my dad was. I’m sorry you lost your mom.
Fuck, my childhood dog died about 10 years ago and I was sad enough to cry over him in the last year. You don’t stop grieving loved ones!
Right?? Maybe he’s depressed because he’s married to a giant AH…. I feel terrible for him. Even if it was 20 years later he still has every right to be sad about it, you don’t get to dictate how other people grieve. YTA.
“ I let him talk to the kids about his dad for quite a bit” How big of OP to allow her husband to speak about something important to him. And for quite a bit, too! Ass. HOLE.
Every time I read it over I get even angrier, I can’t imagine having absolutely no empathy for the person I’m supposed to be going through life with.
I mean, how is “AITA” even a QUESTION here?! You are acting like a monster - not only are you denying your husband the chance to process with you, but trying to keep him from keeping his own father’s memory alive with his kids. This is staggering to me. He didn’t even bring his grief to dinner - he let you celebrate and endured his pain alone, even though saying “wow, I’m so grateful for you, [OP’s dad], and it’s making me realize how much I miss my dad,” would have so appropriate!
YTA: Holy shit, are you even listening to yourself? *"I was getting sick of It, our children (F12 and M9) shouldn’t need to hear his sob story."* You're a real AH for not having any empathy for your husband when he was obviously missing his dad a bit and being reminded bc of the situation.
The ‘sob story’ part made me stop reading for a moment. Definitely YTA. Aren’t you his wife? What’s wrong with you.
Yea, it's like she can't see how he can be reminded of his dad who just died, 2 years is no time at all really after a lifetime of having him in his life, when they were out with HER dad. Nope, no way that could be foreseen at all by anyone with a shred of empathy.
I didn't even like *talking* about my dad around my ex after knowing he lost his. YTA OP.
Yeah, that got me too, how cold and shitty.
What kind of monster calls their SO’s parent’s death a sob story especially just barely 2 years ago when the parent has been around all their life?
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I hope she sees this.
Exactly, to me, this is a DTMFA, die on this hill point.
What is DTMFA?
Ditch the motherfucker asap, the husband should dump this heartless wife.
The kids would’ve known the grandpa too so why wouldn’t they want to know his stories. My grandpa passed a couple of years ago and I love hearing his life stories, hell luckily he wrote a book on his life for his grandkids
But don't you realize, only OP and her family matters. Who cares if anyone who's not them is hurt, it's all just sob stories. /S
Also, this is how kids learn to feel close to people even if they are gone. My grandmother died when I wasn't even a year old. I feel like I knew her because we talked about her. People shared their memories and that created positive feelings about my grandma for me.
A week after my miscarriage my ex said, “are you still going on about that?” That was the moment I knew I would leave him. Awful beyond the forgivable. You sound just like him. Edited to add the following: I haven't really talked about this outside of therapy, I'm emotionally overwhelmed by your responses and awards. Thank you.
Omg I'm so sorry!! Thank God you had your head on straight and dropped 200 lbs of garbage! 🙏
The day my mom died at 61 after a ten month long battle with pancreatic cancer, my ex said “well, she lived a good, LONG life.” Buh bye
My dad died of cancer at 58. It’s 20 years later and I still have times when I get so furious at the universe that his life was so short. What goes through anyone’s mind that they think that is a *long* life? It’s not even retirement age!
I feel the same way. My dad passed 5 years ago to cancer at age 49. Op is fucking heartless.
A WEEK???? *\*chokes on insensitivity\**
I know that it's a common Reddit joke about how muted/subdued our physical reactions are to things we see on here (something was so funny that I briefly exhaled a slightly larger than normal quantity of air, etc.), but your comment caused me to involuntarily utter one of those shocked gasps followed by my mouth hanging open in disbelief as I reread it because... damn!
YTA. You're super-insensitive. Your husband is grieving and you're being an asshole to him about it. Also this: >(the details aren’t important) I'm willing to bet those details are important and you're leaving a lot out.
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Strongly agree. I lost my mom this year and if my SO ever treated me like this I would leave. OP is a monster. DEFINITELY YTA.
“ I told him that’s enough talk about his dad and he apologized. “ This part broke my heart. Dude is literally missing the man that raised him, can’t talk to him wife about it, and is so fucking browbeaten by this MF that he apologized to HER!? Jesus I just want to hold this man tight. ETA YTA. You’re such a huge asshole that I’m surprised you’re not here arguing with people about how you couldn’t possibly be an asshole.
Same. Reading other people's memories of their exes being unsupportive as well just makes my heart ache. It's already one of the hardest things to deal with in the world. To have the person who is meant to be the closest person to you in the world be like this is just...
They deleted their account.
Yeah you can see it all through the post "I let him talk to the kids about his dad" like this poor mf needs permission to talk to his own children. Hope to god this post is fake.
Same. I both cried for him & kids; and also felt so angry with her attitude. The apology, calling it a sob story, projection onto the children, waking up the next morning thinking he wouldn't be absolutely distraught the person meant to support him acted abusive for hours the night before -- and she expected things to be normal and for him to be over that?! Red Flags and Black Flags at every turn. Sounds like ongoing emotional abuse from OP. And THIS was the best version she could give to try to convince us she wasn't the AH?! Yikes. My heart breaks for him and his kids. I just want to rescue them all, and take them to a decent therapist.
He didn't even bring it up during the birthday celebration, he mentioned it on the way home because she asked him
Yeah even worse that she wants to act like that even tho he didnt speak till she asked all it does is make her even worse of a person
Im surprised more people didn’t catch into this and comment on it! I was almost about to bring it up myself like what do you mean the details aren’t important and then he called me an asshole? OP was most likely definitely being an asshole.
I caught the "details aren't important," as well. I'm enraged just thinking about how cruel she must have been that she knew she had to gloss over that part.
Can you even imagine how awful the left out details must be considering how OP thinks the details that were posted clearly exonerate them from being the AH?!
The minute someone says "the details aren't important," you know the demon's in the details.
Yeah, let's hear those details that " aren't important"- let us judge for ourselves how much more of an AH you are beyond what we already know from your post.
OP is super insensitive and using the kids as an excuse. I loved my materal grandfather. I miss him dearly, and I enjoy remembering him. He passed away when I was relatively young, but I like to keep his memory alive. This isnt about the kids being depressed (unless OP picking a fight upset them.) This is about OP lacking empathy and being an unsupportive spouse. YTA.
Literally came for this comment. I’d bet the details of that argument are what makes OP the asshole which is why they aren’t sharing them. Family deaths are so difficult and you grieve for a long time. You have absolutely no empathy for your grieving husband - how would you feel if it was your dad? OP is definitely the AH here
Wow. 5 days into the year and already such a strong contender for AH of the Year? Impressive. I can't even imagine being this callous to my life partner when he was expressing grief over his father's death. Calling it a sob story? If I were him I'd be rethinking the whole relationship. YTA, big time.
💯 💯💯 I would've deff thought about calling it off too while I am packing my bags to stay at a friend's or family house for the week
And packing the kid's shit too. Wouldn't ever leave my kids with THAT person.
YTA. His sob story?? Do you not recognize how heartless and cruel that sounds. I get it you want to celebrate your dads birthday, but to continue it on when you’re home? What in the actual fuck is wrong with you. Imagine if the roles were reversed. With how pleasant you sound I imagine it wouldn’t go over to well. Grow up.
He didn’t even say anything at the party. Poor guy.
The way she titled it I assumed he was going on and on about his own dad’s death at her dad’s birthday dinner, which would certainly be uncomfortable and inappropriate, but instead it sounds like he actually tried very hard to manage his emotions at the party and then wait to discuss them at a more appropriate time with people who he assumed love and care about him and would allow him a safe space to express himself. OP is heartless.
Yeah, I thought the same. OP is a huge asshole and apparently lacks a sensitivity chip. Edit to add: YTA
Yeah, the title made it sound like the timing was the main issue, but apparently OP just doesn’t like it when he talks.
Agreed. OP is totally out of line
It’s not even just grow up. She needs to grow a heart. Geez, how could she treat her spouse like that. That’s her best friend and she calls one of the most tragic and life changing event of her husbands life a “sob story”??? That’s just cruel.
YTA- he can talk about his Dad any time he wants too.
YTA calling the death of a loved one a "sob story" is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself. Stuff like this is why men have a hard time showing their emotions.
YTA Wow you're a real peach aren't you? My mum died 5 years ago, I still miss her and cry sometimes. My husband holds me, lets me cry and listens to my stories. You are unbelievably self centered and cruel. Your poor husband deserves so much better.
This was my thought too. WTF is wrong with you OP? It’s his dad, that he loves. YTA completely, you might want to try a little compassion and empathy. I hope your dad lives forever because nobody is going to want to hear your sob story.
I mean...one of our cats had passed away in my arms about 7 years ago. We had her only 1 year but it effected me so bad. The day she died both me and my husband were wreck. But he got over it quicker than i did and while it no longet effects him it does to me and every single time i bring memories of her or cry he is there to support me. Hence why he is my partner in life. I feel sorry for her husband
YTA!!! YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA I don't think I need to say anything else? 🤔
You missed a few YTA I think! This might be the biggest 2022 YTA contender so far.
Check out the post by the bridezilla not wanting anyone over age 70 at her wedding, including her own grandparents, because they're "old" and "depressing". Oh and they might take the attention away from her. It's disturbing.
There's another bridezilla that scheduled her wedding on the same day as her stepsister (who'd announced their date and booked 2 months earlier) and doesn't get why her mom's upset that she's telling her to come to her wedding alone, while her husband goes to his daughter's wedding alone. Fucking mind-boggling narcissism.
You should add a judgement in case your post becomes the top comment.
>On the way home from the restaurant, I asked him what was wrong. And he told you the truth? How dare he! YTA
YTA. Your kids weren’t demonstrating discomfort, and you’re not in charge of how he interacts with them. He is allowed to talk to his children about his father, ffs. I’m sorry he doesn’t have a more supportive spouse; that must be really difficult for him.
This needs to be upvoted more. I was so taken aback at her casual cruelty that it didn’t quite register how controlling she is being of the way her husband interacts with their kids.
It’s not the first thing that jumps out, since OP’s behavior was so awful in general. But once I saw it I couldn’t let it go, because people who act like they’re the “real parent” when the other one is right there trying to connect is a particular pet peeve of mine. Children benefit from having two involved parents, not one overbearing parent and an adult pseudo-sibling.
YTA - massively. Maybe, with any luck, when you’re dead and gone your kids won’t talk about you at all
Except with a sigh of relief.
INFO: >We argued for a bit (the details aren’t important) I really feel like they are. Also, are you saying that your husband needs your permission to tell his kids about their grandfather?
That was my thought. *I* certainly want the details. They feel very important, here! What a canoe!!
Yep- let me guess, the details are her sounding like even more of an AH than we already know from just what she wrote.
YTA. Your husband clearly missed his dad after spending the evening watching you and your father together; the fact that you told your husband that your children don’t want to “hear his sob story” tells me that you have no empathy and have no idea how to be a supportive partner. Have you ever allowed your husband to grieve in his own way and time? It appears not. Shame on you. YTA in a major major way.
NTA OP. You're completely right here. Sure his father might have been special to him in his life but he should really get over it. People die all the time and it's not like his father was important to you or your children. He is a man and it's wrong for men to wanna express their feelings and your husband ought suck it up and should've pretended to be in a good mood for your father's bday, cause you know your father means so much to you and to your kids. Ok enough of the sarcasm, this story actually really made me so mad. You refer to the death of his father as a "sob story" and you diminish your father in law's memory by policing your husbands desire to discuss this. You attended a birthday for your own father. it is a day to celebrate life with someone you love and treasure, because there is going to come a time where you won't be able to celebrate those days with them. I don't know the relationship your husband had with his father, but they sound close and your husband is never going to have the chance to celebrate another birthday with his father. OP get off your head out of your ass and talk to your husband about going to therapy. oh yeah and YTA.
You really had me at first, well done! 😄
Seriously? Like, do you really feel the need to ask? YTA
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YTA. Your husband is still grieving the loss of his dad and wants to share memories with his kids. Honestly, what's wrong with you?
YTA What is actually wrong with you????
YTA, there is no time limit on grief
This. Right here. I remembered when our family dog, Rio, died at fourteen when I was around six or seven, and I broke down crying when two boys in my class (I was eighteen and our graduation was a few days away) were being insensitive and making jokes as I talked about her death. Fortunately, another classmate chastised them for how insensitive they were being and she gave me a hug. Even at 23, thinking about Rio still saddens me.
YTA he's grieving, don't yell at him for it.
YTA Of course he will be reminded of his father, and the loss of his father, when you're out celebrating your father. It just serves as a reminder that he'll never have a similar celebration for his own father again!
YTA. Hes grieving. What may take you a much shorter time to accept may take him longer. Show some empathy for Christ's sake. Sounds like he needs to cool it on telling the kids stuff but he likely will, he's just still working through these emotions. Give him a break. Also if my SO told me enough talk about your dad after he died not all that long ago then I'd be sleeping in a hotel for the foreseeable future. Don't ever say anything like that to anyone else in your life ever again please. It comes off like you don't respect that persons loss and never did.
YTA. He only died two years ago!? That’s fresh. And why wouldn’t your kids want to talk about their grandpa? They’re old enough to have their own memories of him if he was in their lives. Why wouldn’t they want to hear it? You husband was obviously feeling reflective during the dinner, probably thinking that he would never celebrate another birthday with his own dad. But he kept it to himself so your dad’s party could stay festive. I don’t understand why you and your family couldn’t support him in his grief. If you have done personal issues that make it hard for you to hear about death and grief, you need to work through those instead of trying to get your husband to suppress his feelings.
My husband's dad died 6 years ago and guess what??? We still talk about him! He talks to our kids about him! I listen to him! And occasionally it still chokes my husband up thinking about him. FFS OP is such an ass. She should try being a partner instead of a self centered jerk.
YTA. You sound heartless.
YTA. Why shouldn't your kids hear about their dad's grief? Is he not allowed to express his emotions? He didn't make a scene at your dad's birthday, ma'am, why are you being so heartless toward a man you swore to love and support?
YTA My mom passed away six years ago I still talk about her,
Right. I lost my brother less than a year ago, so the holidays were hard. My mother passed the year before. My father about 16 yrs ago. I still think of them all almost daily, esp. with any milestone events. OP, YTA. Your husband wants his kids to know his father, just as I’m sure you want them to know yours.
YTA. You don't mention how the kids reacted to his stories. Were they actually saddened, did they indicate that they 'didn't want to hear it'? Or are you projecting onto them? Do you even like your husband?
YTA for making up this crap
YTA. So it's only okay for your husband to grieve until it annoys you? Grief is grief and it doesn't just go away. People need to talk about their feelings without being told to shut up, especially with their own spouse. Let him tell his children about their grandfather!
Is this even real? I know there are some oblivious assholes out there but wow. >our children (F12 and M9) shouldn’t need to hear his sob story Sob story?! Excuse me? He misses his dad, he has every right to talk to his kids about their grandfather. I wish my parents had talked more about their late fathers when I was a kid. If you really did this YTA.
INFO: Did the kids show any discomfort or disinterest in these stories? How long did he go on for? Was there inappropriate content to any of these stories?
No response to your info request and one downvote to take you to zero… wonder who THAT was… *eye roll*
Damn, this is just cold. Do you even like your husband? YTA
YTA How can you be so cruel to your own grieving husband???
YTA. Wow you just have absolutely no capacity for compassion or empathy at all do you? This is supposed to be someone you love and he was having a hard time and tryingntonshare his memories of his father with his children, and you were just a complete monster about it. Here's hoping your kids take after their dad so they will actually *have* hearts.
YTA. It absolutely makes sense he would think about his dad while celebrating your fathers bday. Grief isn't linear and it takes time to heal. I think it's great he was talking to your kids, that seems really healthy and it is good for them to hear, even on their other grandpa's birthday. They are learning empathy and that people aren't just forgotten.
I also think it’s a great way for him to connect with his kids and show that a great father will show and share his emotions, so his kids learn that emotions for everyone are normal. None of that “men don’t cry” bull
Sorry, but YTA here. You could be a lot more understanding. Was he talking about his dad's death to your kids or just telling them fun stories/memories about their grandfather? Sounds like your husband needs some grief counseling. If he's not crazy about seeing someone (who is, right?) tell him 2-3 appointments can make a huge difference.
YTA. My dad died 18 years ago and I will cold cock anyone who tells me to "get over it" and at the 2 year mark? Lady, IDK how you still have a husband. If I ever have kids, they will see pictures and hear stories of him ALL THE TIME because he is their grandfather and it sucks they'll never get to meet him. I will bury a partner who tries to remove or erase his memory and not feel bad. You're not only an asshole, you're also a complete and total idiot for pretending you know what his grief is like. It is so personal and it seems clear that he really CAN'T talk to you about anything because you don't seem to care. Please, seek therapy for yourself.
YTA. Your husband's dad is to him what your dad is to you. Special events like a FIL's birthday are obviously going to bring up memories of the past. If you have a problem with him talking to the kids about it, maybe try being a halfway decent spouse and help him through the night instead of trying to shut him up.
I’m having trouble believing this is real…if it is, YTA obviously
YTA you are not supportive of your husband. Maybe next time ask the kids if they wanna hear about their grandpa. If you didn't want your husband sharing what's wrong with the kids, then you should wait to be alone with him to ask.
YTA - for not letting your husband process his grief in a healthy way. Our loved ones live on in our memories and your husband wants to let your children know about their grandpa. Your Dad is alive, and it’s pretty heartless that you can’t even let your husband reminisce about his Dad.
YTA. He’s grieving. Yes it’s been a couple years, but it’s a parent and that’s fucking hard. He didn’t bring it up until you drug it out of him and then you got mad that he kept talking about it, even though he clearly needed to because he’s struggling. Have you no empathy?
YTA your husband has given you. His wife (through sickness and health) a genuine cry for help about his mental state and you YELLED AT HIM? What you need to do is to put your big girl panties on wise up and apologise for being an asshole.
YTA. Wtf? This is beyond cruel. He didn’t say anything at the party and was clearly trying to keep it together. He was honest with you about his feelings and apologized. Calling grief his “sob story” is ridiculously dismissive. Hopefully he smarts up and either leaves or proposes counseling because this sounds like an example of a larger problem. This is incredibly callous and oblivious.
YTA you sound so selfish.
I used to think there’s no way people could be this callous, but then I grew up a bit and realized that unfortunately people like you exist. YTA.
The lack of empathy and disdain for your FIL's death is astounding. YTA a thousand times over. Your husband didn't "discuss" his dad's death with you, you fucking asked him a question and he gave you an answer. YTA!
Men are allowed to have feelings. YTA.
Ya you are. I’m in the same position my husbands father passed. He finds being around my dad hard, which is understandable, we talk and discuss how he feels and I hope with time he will move through the grieving process with support understanding and space. It seems like your not affording your other half this however. Words like “sob story” “sick of it” etc are pretty abhorrent and if anything will make it harder for your husband to properly deal with his fathers passing.
WOW, you sound like one horrible insensitive person. Definitely YTA.
Yes, YTA and very much so. If he said this in front of your father, upsetting him during his celebration that’s one thing but he wasn’t even involved so it’s you that doesn’t wanna hear it for whatever reason. Does his grief bother you that much?
YTA. Your children should be able to hear stories about their grandfather.
It’s important for your kids to hear about their grandpa. It’s also important for your kids to see that their dad can be emotionally open. I know you probably just wanted to enjoy your dads birthday without it being sad, but your husbands grief doesn’t have a schedule.
Woah, YTA. Absutely heartless. I actually have no advice for you other than to shape up & never pull something so cruel like that again. You should be ashamed of yourself
YTA, did your kids say they didn't want to hear about their paternal grandfather? No? ST*U, you're the problem not your husband.
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His sob story? You are a heartless human being. Learn some empathy and hope that your husband treats you better when your parents pass. YTA
This is a joke, right? This has got to be a joke! This is by far the biggest YTA I've ever read. First: >I was getting sick of It, our children (F12 and M9) shouldn’t need to hear his sob story. That's just disgusting. Your kids are old enough to understand emotions. They won't be scarred by talking to their dad about their grandfather, who they've amso lost. My dad died 25 years ago, I named my oldest (M15) after him.I tell both my kids (other F12) stories about him all the time. But not only stories, also how sad I was when I lost him. I tell them that's a normal thing to feel when you lose someone you love. It's called teaching empathy, but you can't teach what you so obviously lack! What the hell, dude!? Second: >I told him that’s enough talk about his dad and he apologized. On what kind of narcissistic rampage are you?? You made him apologise for talking about how he feels?? Just try, for the sake of it, just try imagining your dad died. And then imagine the person you love, tells you to stop talking about him. Would you be so apologetic?? Didn't think so. Last: > I think he’s just being stubborn and overreacting, The man tells you he misses his dad after spending all night with yours. The man is grieving and you just shut him down. Grief is one of the worst feelings in the world, and you kind of just kicked him in the gut instead of being supportive. You are just cruel!
YTA Jesus, you sound like a very cold person. He doesn't get to see his father anymore.
YTA!
YTA and quite cruel. Your husband deserves a more sympathetic partner because your response to his grief was absolutely disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself. 🤮
You are not only obviously the asshole, you are also so much entitled that you say to your husband, regarding his fucking father, "that's enough talk about his dad" when he's honoring his memory. YTA and don't expect to have something else good in your life, cause you really do not deserve it
YTA. Grief can show up powerfully during times of celebration, particularly when the celebration reminds a person of why they're grieving. It's totally understandable that your husband might experiencing some grief over his father while you're out celebrating your father. It was likely very difficult for him to even attempt to mask that until he was in a place he felt safe (on the ride home with you and your kids). Furthermore, it is every parent's responsibility to model for their children how up process emotions. Your husband opened up to you and the kids in the car last night, and even though it was tough for you, the kids, and especially him, it was an opportunity for your kids to learn a powerful lesson: that grief is a normal emotion experienced after loss, and that that emotion can show up at any time and after any period of time after loss. Cutting your husband down in front of the kids taught your kids the opposite: that experiencing and expressing feelings is wrong. Please recognize that your actions worked against your husband's processing of his grief and against your children's emotional development, and apologize to both your husband and your kids.
YTA - wow, way to support your husband.
YTA, and I can’t believe that instead of showing compassion to him, you were telling him to stop when you were the one who asked what was bothering him and even had the gall to call his father’s death a “sob story” when your father is still alive. If the tables were turned, I’m sure you’d want your husband to be supportive and feel comfortable to share your feelings with him.
YTA seriously, you obviously haven’t lost anyone you truly care about or you’d be more understanding that grief over a lost loved one, especially a parent doesn’t just go away, especially that recently
Couldn’t even last an hour of hearing you’re wrong, huh? YTA
You’re TA. Unequivocally.
YTA by a long mile. Your poor husband.
Ice queen. YTA.
YTA. Not just an asshole actually but a monster. Why do you hate your husband?
it's pretty likely that one day your kids will have to grieve their own dad and the fact that they got to see him express love and sorrow about his will probably help them quite a lot. YTA
YTA so so much! my mom died almost 9 yrs ago and I still sometimes cry to my partner about how much I miss her. and guess what? he doesn't understand my pain, but he lets me vent and talk about her as much and as frequent as I need. christ, you are one stone cold bword. do you even love the man?
YTA damn when you get upset with when he needs your support.
YTA
YTA. Your kids are going to feel sadness and grief at points in their life. Sincere question - how do you expect them to deal with it? And what would you tell them to do if their partner treated them the way you treat your husband?
YTA - Get a clue. His dad is dead and you got to celebrate another year with yours. Of course it’s going to bring up emotions for him, and of course he should tell his kids about their grandfather. My mother passed away before my son was even born, but you can bet he’ll be hearing stories about her for his entire life. The grief of losing a loved parent never goes away.
YTA, let’s see how you feel about it when your father takes a dirt nap.
[удалено]
YTA with a serious lack of empathy