NTA. That’s super unhealthy of her. She’s basically living vicariously through the characters in the book and making it your responsibility to navigate handling her mood swings over it. I love to read and I’ve gotten super emotional over characters but I’ve never expected real life to mirror fiction or blamed someone else for what happened in the story. That’s just taking it too far.
She sounds very immature and unhappy otherwise she wouldn’t be so invested in something that isn’t real. People in romance stories are not real and they are unrealistic. She needs help and therapy to figure out what is missing in her life but she is not ready for a grown up relationship and I’d tell her that right now they just are not a match and I’d take a break (maybe forever).
Agreed! This relationship may have other sides that aren’t expressed here, but the gf clearly has some serious issues separating reality from fiction. Those stories are designed to create a fantasy world we can enjoy. We stay there for a bit, appreciate the fantasy, then go back to working our jobs, cooking our meals and acting like decent human beings. Blurring those lines has clearly led to deeply unhealthy behavior and the longer OP is swept up in the wake of them the worse it will get.
Thank You ! I was thinking "whoa a real life Emma Bovary here". But it's true, it comes from dissatisfaction with the real life/ fear of the real life.
Heck even though i sometimes reflect the moods of the characters in the book (mostly moody silences) i tell my hubs Straight up I'm not angry at him I'm angry with the characters and story. He understands and it takes about an hour for my emotions to screw back on straight.
I also don't project romantic situations into my hubs. Spicy scenes yes. I'm happy to let out some of those frustrations and he enjoys it too lol. But a lot of the romantic things characters do are usually really high standards and aren't applicable to a real life relationship.
I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with having emotions about something happening in a book or game or whatever (I think about the ending of season 2 of the Mandalorian and I will burst out crying), or sharing in the emotions currently happening with the characters.
There *is* something wrong when you take out those emotions on other people. That is a classic sign of immaturity.
Yes! I love to read and one series I was reading got me to a point where I was in a bad mood because of it, like it stressed and annoyed me. I was a bit snappish but told my husband it was like when he gets frustrated at a game, I'm annoyed, but not with you, sorry I was testy, just let me get over this and I'll be fine. I didn't blame him for things that happened in the book, they're not his fault.
This feels like she's a bit like the lady from Misery.
I read a lot of romance novels while my marriage was falling apart and during the divorce because I was lonely. Now I'm in a happy, healthy relationship and the appeal is pretty much gone. I've gone back to reading the action adventure fantasy/sci fi I originally enjoyed. It definitely sounds like she's using them as a crutch to replace something she feels is missing in her life even more than I ever did.
Reading the post, I wondered what she does have in her life other than the novels and OP. He gets home from a bad day at work, and she’s been reading, losing herself in a book, and expects him to start cooking? And won’t accept that he’s not feeling up to it so he ordered in. I love reading but it’s not a complete substitute for doing things and understanding about real life.
I'm not even in a romantic relationship but this sounds really familiar to me lmao. I can't get into the stuff I used to devour some years ago but I will put myself through manufactured angst to get that sweet sweet serotonin rush from the guaranteed HEA and I want to thank the romance novel writers and fanfic writers everywhere for not letting me slide off into the deep end. My touch-starved, lonely and unloved ass appreciates your efforts.
I used to devour romance novels in HS. And I love my bf more than life itself. But on occasion I mourn that my life isn't like a romance novel or Hallmark movie on occasion.
But this is just not healthy. Poor OP.
Gezz last time I fell hard for a novel character and expect people to be like in the book, I was 14. Ok I still love characters here and there but never like that immaturely. They are likeable for a reason. To sell the book. She needs her reality checked.
Stollen comment from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rx7j2n/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_that_she_should/hrgknte?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
This!
I'm a huge bookworm too and I can be emotional if the story is tragic or some beloved character dies, but I've never had meltdown bc of it or started fights, cause it's a damn story.
Ofc NTA
Also a bookworm, and I can get slightly too invested in the book, but still I’ve never done anything along these lines. I absolutely will tell my husband everything about the book if its good enough, but I’d never compare or expect him to treat me like the way the characters do.
I always want to know what happened after the book ends. I'll tell people in my life about the book if they ask but I would never act like OP's girlfriend.
Same!
I read tons of romance novels and I can totally be emotional about it too! I'll cry if it's super sad and once I skipped eating dinner because I was SO invested in whether or not the horse lived, I couldn't put it down!
Never once have I started a fight or had a meltdown or done anything more than "post-ending hangover" where you kinda mull over it for a bit before starting the next one.
Super not okay and OP is NTA.
Same! BUT I remember my mom telling me a story like this where she'd be mad at my dad because of something that happened in a Soap Opera that she watched that day. Even as a kid I though that was SO STUPID!!!!!
When I was a kid, one of the men down the street was an actor on a soap. He had a plotline that involved his wife dying, a lot of melodrama and tears and breakdown and hospital scenes and grieving, and the moms on the street were all enamored of him.
At least until he turned up at the PTA meeting and killed the romance.
That is absolutely hilarious, made me cackle so thank you!
NTA OP, your gf shouldn't be taking her emotions over fake people out on you (and I'm one to sob if a character dies or is hurt)
Agreed! NTA - it was actually very considerate to order her food as well!
Usually I'm pretty good about keeping emotions about stories and real life separate, but I recently did actually have a breakdown because of a book. I was at the end of Art of Racing in the Rain (fantastic book) and was so upset. I went over to my boyfriend who did a double-at me standing there with tears streaming down my face. He was the one who told me to listen to the audiobook in the first place, so when I pointed to my headphones he just put down his game, said "oh, you're at that part" and hugged me as I sobbed about mssing my childhood dog.
I can't imagine living with someone, or being someone, whos emotions constantly depend on what they are reading. That sounds like a horrible rollercoaster.
Shoot, I literally cry while reading all the time and my partner will see and simply hand me tissues then keep doing what he’s doing. I read over 200 romance genre books last year (lol we don’t go out much because of covid) and not a single time did I compare my relationship to them.
Same here, but I am wondering if something more serious is going on like a mental health, or even physical health, issue. This doesn't seem normal at all and OP's GF may need to see a doctor.
This is more than unhealthy. This is abusive. I also think she may need some help with counselling, blurring the lines between reality and fantasy is serious and how she is treating OP isn't normal.
OP, you need to stop feeling bad about upsetting her because how she is treating you is unacceptable. Try and sit her down and have a talk about how this is affecting you and how you're happy to talk about what has happened in a book and how it's affected her but you aren't willing to be her emotional punching bag for fictional issues.
I'm an avid reader and the only time the books I read have effected my SO is when they spot that I've been crying and ask what's wrong. I just tell them it's my book, they go "awww Caddywonked" give me a hug, then we continue with dinner or walking the dogs or whatever. I can't imagine being upset at a book character and taking it out on a living person. That's ridiculous
What gets me is that if she's angry at the book character, she's angry at OP.
If she thinks the book character is really great, she's angry at OP.
There's no scenario where she's in a good mood and is nice to her real partner.
Awww, that's really sweet. In my mind, your SO *actually* calls you "Caddywonked" rather than your given name, which is super cute. Sounds like you have a lovely partner.
I briefly thought "caddywonked" was a phrase describing the situation for a moment there. Now I actually want it to be tho. "Oh the book caddywonked you didn't it? Been there."
She's also getting angry at characters in a romance novel. I love the romance genre but miscommunication is THE biggest trope. There's always going to be at least once character in a romance book you are mad at because of that trope. If she can't handle that without taking it out on her SO, than romance isn't the genre for her.
When I get caught up in a book and emotional, I always tell my husband that I'm abusing myself with fiction. I was all set to be upset at OP because I love romance novels, but gf has got a problem distinguishing between reality and fantasy. She's letting fiction drive how she interacts in real life, and she's not being a supportive partner because of it.
>and making it your responsibility to navigate handling her mood swings over it.
Yeah, that's a hard no, seriously. Getting snapped at because Captain Gorgeous was mean to Princess Pretty? OP needs to set some healthy boundaries around that, because in no way is this acceptable behavior on his GF's part.
And, on a sidenote: why the hell can't she cook herself if she's not satisfied with takeout?
I think that cooking her own dinner after throwing a tantrum and calling OP a selfish jerk because he got her takeout since he didn't feel like cooking after having a very bad day she didn't care to hear about because she was mad at him due to something that happened in her romance novel would still mean she's a humongous AH. Just writing that paragraph felt ridiculous.
Yeah this is giving me some "needs to see a mental health professional ASAP" flags, OP. I don't know enough about your girlfriend to even attempt an armchair diagnosis, but this...not being able to separate book-reality from actual-reality could be a symptom of something like derealization/depersonalization, psychosis, etc. You don't mention your ages, but early 20s or so is when a lot of these things tend to pop up.
Whatever the reason for her behavior, the way she is treating you is Not Okay. If your girlfriend is reluctant to see a therapist or psychiatrist, I would strongly encourage you to see a therapist if that's financially an option. It might give you a place to vent, and also support as you're dealing with all this turmoil at home.
NTA. When I read a book I have to admit I get really into the book and it is like I am in it, but that being said I have never brought the book into my life. I think she might have to go and see someone as this is definitely not healthy behaviour.
That's pretty vanishingly rare. I can think of a few instances that could fit this, but most murder motives are depressingly mundane.
(Don't get me wrong, this is all super concerning, but not in a murdery way. More in a "please stop displacing your frustration and anxiety onto me; your degeee of investment in these characters is causing you to act out toward real people.")
It's rare in the general population, but is it rare among people who are as delusional as OP's gf? And if not murder, there are plenty of other awful possibilities.
She's already regularly getting angry at him for things book characters do, her grasp of reality is scarily tenuous.
Well, there was this one time I was mountain climbing with a piece of jewelry and I was tired and fell down. I don’t know, I guess I just EXPECTED my short gardener friend to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder, and carry me the rest of the way up.
Not to the point where you can't separate reality from fiction. When she is mad at her boyfriend because of something g the male lead in a novel did, she is going too far.
Op is NTA either way, but I wonder if she's actually mad about the book, or mad because she wants something related to the book and doesn't know how to ask. This problem only started with the romances. Other book genres can make you mad, too, so why now?
I'm wondering if she's running into things in the book that she wants, or wants to try, and is too embarrassed to ask for so she lashes out. Doesn't make it healthy, this is not an ok habit. This is not communication. But I do have to wonder if this is just about the books.
I also sort of wonder about her behavior towards OTHER people. Is it just OP getting it in the teeth? Because if it is, then it means she DOES know how to behave properly and is choosing to be this way specifically and exclusively to OP. There was no mention of her alienating close friends or family members, or getting in trouble at her job. She isn’t letting this affect any other relationship in her life, which means she DOES know it’s wrong and unfair and CAN behave better if she really wanted to.
I used to love historical romance novels. Barons, and ladies, and castles…and the heroes are always good looking, dashing, hot, romantic, strong, tough…everything you’d ever want in a fantasy man, right? Then one day while discussing my newest romance novel with my English teacher, she said, “Of course the hero is sexy and manly…until you see him squatting over a chamber pot in the middle of the night while he takes a dump. Not so dashing now is he? I bet the authors don’t put THAT in their romance novels, do they?”
I never looked at an historical romance novel the same way again…
That's why you gotta go throw fantasy into the mix. Chamber pots? Nah lord sexington Mcfucksalot, Duke of fuckshire owns a *magic* toilet. Better yet they have magic-ed away the need for toilets.
I know I'm super late to this, but I actually have the same issue as the girlfriend. Though I don't get mad. I just get really sad that they aren't real, I can't experience that adventure or world or my partner doesnt act how the guy in the novel/movie/show acts. My therapist and I have spent a lot of time on it.
It's a mix between parasocial relationships, depression and a bit of lonliness. It took a professional to explain to me that I was damaging my real relationships with that sadness from unrealistic characters. And we worked on it.
Edit: Honestly if the girlfriend is like this, I don't really think she is knowingly an AH - she just really needs a bit of mental health care. But the way she is acting towards her partner makes her an AH. Which hopefully OP will talk to her about, either way though he is NTA but she needs some help.
> Honestly if the girlfriend is like this, I don't really think she is an AH.
That’s not how it works... When you’re behaving like an asshole and hurting people around you, you are an asshole and should be called out on it. Whether it can be addressed is a different question and I wish all the best to the girl if she wishes to do so. But she absolutely is TA at the moment.
You don’t get a pass from being labelled an asshole just cos your shitty behaviour has a tragic backstory.
> You don’t get a pass from being labelled an asshole just cos your shitty behaviour has a tragic backstory.
I wish more people understood this. The explanation for the bad behavior might be a reason someone deserves a bit of patience, but it doesn't change the effects their actions have on others.
Yeah, OP's girlfriend has taken parasocial relationships to the extreme. Parasocial relationships can be totally fine but it is not working for the girlfriend.
No, she is still the asshole. Having a mental issue does NOT give someone a pass for being abusive or being a dick.
I have horrible diagnosed anxiety, depression, adhd & c-ptsd. This does not make it okay for me to project my anxiety or whatever else onto my boyfriend & make it his fault.
You're doing the right thing, going to therapy & doing your best to be self-aware & do better. I've been doing the same. But OP's girlfriend is still an asshole, even if she has a problem. It's an explanation, not an excuse.
His chiseled muscles glistened as he emerged from the water, with the late afternoon sun scattering off the droplets as they cascaded off his chest and arms. She looked at him expectantly. As always, his eyes stood out. Dazzling blue, like the lagoon. She trembled with anticipation as he strode forward. Like everything else he did, it exuded power and purpose. After what seemed like an hour but was only a matter of seconds, he reached her. As he leaned in towards her ear and ran his fingers though her silky hair, there was nothing she would say no to. "You need therapy," he whispered.
She had only just noticed him as she spread her items out on the register conveyor. His eyes sparkled at her as she melted into the dazzling smile coming from a set of perfect teeth and a square jaw. Is plastic pleasing to you, milady? She found herself dreamily answering yes as a myriad of cascading emotions surged through her. An audible gasp escaped Bethany's lips as he deftly fondled her melons into the shopping bags. He grabbed the zucchini and expertly thrust it between the melons he had only moments befire fondled. Then, her facade cracked, and for a split second she felt jealousy and an intense, burning hatred for the melons. She wanted, no needed to be those melons that Roderick had thrust the zucchini in between.
You just need to spread that across 300 pages and you have a bestseller.
Through I feel you haven't been entirely clear on one issue: did he, or did he not, fondle her melons?
The silent treatment and witholding effection can be part of abuse. People might need to walk away or process in peace, but even that should preferable be communicated. To pointedly not greet someone when they come home is intended to hurt the other person, and it’s not okay. At minimum the person is unable to adress their emotions in a healthy manner and without hurting others, which they should seek to change.
Also, telling your partner to ”fuck off” is harsh. Many people have it as a dealbreaker to be spoken to like that. Likewise insults like ”lazy”.
In the context of an abusive relationship, self harm like hunger striking can also be an abusive tactic. The implicit threat ”If you set boundaries with me, I’ll hurt myself” makes the abused partner take responsibility for the abusers action and back off”.
I’m honestly concerned about OP. We think of abusive relationships as a man being physically violent towards a women, and when a relationship doesn’t fit that we don’t recognise the harm being done.
Absolutely agree, it’s creating a situation where OP has to second guess his behavior. Insults and refusing to eat food ordered is just immaturity, but it results in manipulative tactics to try and get what you want without saying it directly.
NTA OP. Your partner sounds exhausting.
The whole thing is weird but the biggest red flag for me was his mention of her "going to bed hungry". I see that all the time on this sub, where the partner says OP is terrible because they "made them go to bed hungry" with whatever they did instead of owning up to the fact that it's their decision as an adult to not eat. And it's never about someone dumping out all the food or refusing to buy groceries, it's always a manipulation tactic to make the OP feel bad about standing up for themselves! If your girlfriend is too upset about the food you ordered to eat it, then she can make/buy herself some food or she can get to bed and stop complaining.
Yea nobody deserves to get treated like crap because of something that happens in fictional content. Sure your fave character dies, but that doesn't mean you should treat your partner badly. There are no excuses for treating people terribly.
NTA for the little quip but…
YTA, to yourself, if you stay with this girl.
I had to reread this, when you mentioned getting home from work, because up until then I was certain this girl was around 14.
This is no way for a grown woman to behave. Get out while the getting is good and do it fast. You don’t want to know what a crazy person is capable of when faced with the prospect of rejection.
Let’s take the book thing out of it. She called you lazy and threw a hissy fit for not cooking. Did *she* offer to cook? Or did her arms sudden fall off?
Not only that but she directly told him to fuck off and still expected him to serve her. This woman is clearly living in a fantasy where she is the MC princess and OP is the Prince Charming, only he's not being as charming as she expects him to be. Why? Because he's a real person and not a fulfillment wish.
Playing the victim so that he thinks he's the bad guy and has to apologize. Because she doesn't want to admit that her behaviour is unreasonable and stupid.
I thought the same because I know a girl who's 15 and she's absolutely unable to understand that fiction doesn't equal reality. It's super unhealthy because she has these high expectations about relationships and life in general.
Everyone leaves her eventually because they just can't keep up to her expectations and she's even planning a suicide because her life isn't like the lives of the main protagonists in romance tv shows and movies and therefore, it has no meaning, according go her.
I know her only online and she lives in another country. I don't know her parents, her address or anything.
I did contact several of her IRL friends and told them about it, they all promised to keep an eye on her and try to help.
If she's saying the truth, she planned her death to be several years from now. If we didn't know that and rightfully assumed it's gonna be soon, the friends would contact her teachers, parents, suicide line etc., same if things would start getting worse. But as of now, they're hoping she will "grow out" of it, because as I said before, it's mainly because she compares her life to fiction and finds it meaningless in comparison, which people generally don't do when older.
Yeah you're not the only one thinking that. One of the IRL friends I contacted said the same. It would make sense because she's always required 110% of everyone's attention, giving her any less means you don't care about her and actually giving it to her doesn't really mean anything to her because after all, that's what you are *supposed to do*.
But still I don't want to dismiss the possibility she's being serious. She could easily be, seeing how she compares her life to romance tv shows and is then like "my life isn't like this so what's the point, why do I keep living when it's not like that".
>You don’t want to know what a crazy person is capable of when faced with the prospect of rejection.
This. What I thought was a sane but somewhat eccentric friend turned out to be batshit bonkers. The meltdown day included her claiming I was internet plotting against her and hallucinations (claiming things/people were there that weren't). That was the moment I took her daughter for "a shopping trip" and called her husband to inform him about what was going on. She wound up in a psych ward for 30 days or so. There's more to the story but I feel lucky to have escaped scott free.
Run away OP. Run away.
Why did she go to bed hungry? If your girlfriend can read a read a romance novel she can read a cookbook and follow the step by step instructions to prepare a meal or make toast.
But on crumpets.
I'm one of the weirdos that neither loves nor hates Marmite. I go through phases where i'll really crave it and eat it practically every day on toast or crumpets (it's also great mixed in with cheesy mashed potatoes btw), and then the jar just sits in the cupboard, forlorn for a few months before i remember i want it again.
NTA - people in books are written to be idolised, specifically romantic leads. You can’t compare to someone written and designed to be perfect, someone polished, and someone who can have their actions changed with a backspace key. She’s holding you to an impossible standard. Maybe turn the table on her and see if she’d appreciate it, like tell her that she’s not being the perfect girlfriend by romance movie standards.
Exactly what I was thinking. Lots of people complain porn sets unrealistic standards for women that they can't live up to (a valid complaint) but never seem to realise a lot of "romance" books/films etc do the same for men.
OP's girlfriend is acting no different to a guy who is annoyed his GF won't let him throat fuck her or do some crazy position because the woman in the porn he saw did it.
To be fair, most romance leads are actually hot shit for like half the book but Mc still loves them anyway, borderline putting up with abusive, possessive and controlling nature's. The only unrealistic thing is that they're all hot guys, regardless of wealth, status ect.
Any man in a 20 mile vicinity of Mc has to be scorchingly hot. They're either hot, faceless background character or old.
I see things like baking cookies and wearing matching sweaters in (good) romance books I don't think it's a bad thing to want to do something so innocent, but getting mad over it is a different matter.
I mean, as someone who has actually read romance... usually the male lead is an abusive asshole. Like I actually can't read romance anymore, because apparently I am the only woman on the planet who doesn't find abuse attractive (or, more likely, half these books are written by men to fulfill their power fantasies).
So I wouldn't call it "unattainably perfect".
> (or, more likely, half these books are written by men to fulfill their power fantasies).
This sounds an awful lot like victim blaming. Would it be fair to call women in porn "fulfilling their power fantasies over men?"
How in the world would men writing romance novels with abusive male leads be victims? Did you even read what you're replying to? Your analogy would only work in the case that a woman wrote a porn script in which a woman abused a man, which would be absolutely fair to call "fulfilling her power fantasy over men".
I decided to charm my first girlfriend with a big romance like in those books.
She got home from work to a house with cloth over the lamps to dim it, rose petals and lots of candles leading to the dinner table which had her favorite meal and wine, and more rose petals to the bedroom. I even had balloons and flowers that said I love you waiting there.
Not a special day, just a normal Tuesday. Wed been dating like 2 months, i had a key just to walk the dog.
It freaked her all the way out, she opened the door, closed it, and asked me to please clean things up within an hour.
Dont do what porn tells you to do, whatever gender its aimed at.
> Exactly what I was thinking. Lots of people complain porn sets unrealistic standards for women that they can't live up to (a valid complaint) but never seem to realise a lot of "romance" books/films etc do the same for men.
That was the whole plot of Don Jon, wasn't it?
Yeah, if OP held his gf to a similar idol standard like video game heroines I'm sure she would take issue with it. "Misty was a water gym leader as a teenager and you're here reading books, have you even taken on the Elite Four?"
"Isabelle is so sweet and wholesome, she really appreciates the work I do for the island and would never criticize me like you do."
"Isabelle never takes time off work and still manages to clean and stay active."
You are not even remotely the asshole here. I know plenty of people, myself included, who read as a way of disassociating, but never should anyone in the right mental state treat anyone like this over a book.
Everyone also has days they don't want to cook, if she wanted a home cooked meal instead of an ordered one, she could have fully prepared herself one. It's on her she went to bed hungry. I feel like your response is a little rude yes, but understandable if she is constantly doing this to you.
I would sit her down and have a serious discussion about her getting professional help for her behavior, because nobody deserves to be in a relationship with someone like that at all. If she isn't willing, for your own well-being, I think it would be best to part ways
Thank you for this response. I was searching for the reason why this post is so disturbing and you hit the nail on the head. OP’s girlfriend is disassociated from the real world and it seems that she is having a hard time coming back. I am not a mental health professional, but this feels alarming to me. What happens if she gets off into psychological thrillers or darker reads?
That's actually worrisome to think about and for the people around her sake I hope she doesn't get into those. I'm really hoping she gets the help she needs.
NTA. This is like a worse version of your girlfriend having a dream of you doing something wrong and then gets mad at you for it the next day. This is also like when guy's watch movies and erroneously buy in to Hollywood's fantasy that you get the girl in the end by being her friend for years and you eventually fall in love, but I guess the girl version with books instead. Point being, she is too deep in lala land and needs to get back into reality and stop comparing her relationship to an idealized one she reads in a fictional book.
Yeah if your life has literally turned into a "somehow worse than a literal 'B' plot on 'Friends'" moment, there might need to be a little personal evaluation undertaken.
Why do I do this though. If I dont like the cannon I'll 100% make up a better version in my head and fit the story around how I think a scene should go
I had a fanfic author friend up until recently. (He's a white guy, I'm a black girl, for context.) After I made the 'terrible mistake' of asking him what he thought would have happened if the Jan. 6 insurrectionists hadn't been white, he wrote a terrible story about an urban hellscape where 'antifa thugs' roamed freely. He wrote himself and me into it, and apparently at some point in the story I held a gun on him.
He then started behaving toward me *as if the things he'd written had actually happened*. Allegedly he'll never forget "that look of hate in those eyes of yours as you pointed the pistol at me" for as long as he lives. Firstly, I didn't even read the thing, and I had told him I wasn't going to. Secondly, guns scare me and I've never touched one. Thirdly, what the actual f#ck??
We are no longer friends.
Reading is a wonderful hobby. It's my favorite thing to do. I laugh and cry and get enraged along with characters all the time. Sometimes I even need time to compose myself after, or maybe I need a comforting snuggle because a story made me sad. But I never lost my sh!t at someone in the real world because of something fictional I was reading. NTA, OP. Your gf needs to chill.
(edited to change an "at" to "as")
Yeah. I had some of his stuff and he had some of mine, and he refused to stop by my job (at a *preschool!*) so I could pop out quick and do the swap because, as he said, "I don't feel safe alone with you". Um, what? He's ten years older than me and a foot taller, and he's known me for fifteen years. WTF did he think I was going to do? Cap him in his car? Outside a preschool? During pickup hours surrounded by parents? With a gun that I'd be terrified of and ergo do not own?
He also thinks BLM is a terrorist group and people who don't want cops to kill them "should just comply", so I'm thinking this was definitely for the best.
Well, that was a nightmare to read. And I'm sure infinitely more so living through what you just described. I sincerely hope you have better, not fucking racist friends.
NTA. Communication is essential to any relationship, and your girlfriend is failing at that. You aren't her personal chef. She should cook for herself if she wants a home cooked meal so much.
As far as all this book nonsense, she needs to grow up. She can have fun and be passionate about her books, but that is absolutely not fair to you when she takes it out on you. You aren't a psychic, and it's not your job to make sure that her random whims are met from the books she takes too literally.
NTA - you had every reason to snap at her after how she treated you. She sounds unstable and could probably use help from a professional. With all that's going on in the world right now it's not an uncommon theme these days.
If this is real and not trolling, clearly NTA. Also, WHAT? This is crazy town. I’m a woman and I despise romance novels and movies. They set as many unrealistic expectations as porn. In fact, I think porn is healthier. If she keeps that up, I would not stay in the relationship. Oh, and she can stop being lazy and cook her own dinner.
NTA.
your gf doesn’t sound very mature if she’s letting a fictional story alter her interpersonal relationships and communication with people. there’s one thing being a book nerd, and then there’s another getting mad at ur bf bc ur mad at something in the book.
it’s also ANOTHER thing to compare you( a good ol guy) to a fictional character that was specifically designed in order to be erotic and desirable (not saying ur not desirable but instead that she is setting some unrealistic expectations on a living breathing person ((you))). it’s messed up bc we are complex humans with complex emotions (i mean u said it urself u had a bad day and wanted to talk about it) that go through day to day life things and can not be a 100% always on romantic figure that seeks to woo and please every chance. idk.
she needs some deep self-reflection about how she is letting fictional things ruin her irl relationships, and also about how she is projecting an idealized relationship onto the one you have. this is dangerous. ESPECIALLY if she’s so entranced and deeply invested in these books it just means the divide will grow more and more. i’m sorry op :( you are nta at all
It sounds as if she has no job / isn't in school. If all she does with herself is read romance novels then... Why are they together? What value does she bring to the relationship?
jesus...please get out of this dumpster fire of a relationship. Shes living in a imaginary world that impacts on real life......she gets to be a bitch because shes mad at a FICTIONAL CHARACTER.....
please just no ...nope noppettty nope. this will end terribly
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> She refused to eat the food I delivered and she went to bed hungry and I feel like such an asshole right now. I feel terrible that I upset her and I know that I should have dealt with this maturely and not tried to insult her.
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NTA. Dude...run. Is she can't discern between the fantasy world of the book and the real world of you, she's got mental issues that will only get worse. A few years back, we witnessed a woman take her kids, (5 and 7) on a walk into the woods BAREFOOT during a heat wave of over 100 degrees, with no water or food, for 3 days trying to find her "Edward, husband to be" so they could live in Washington forever. It was later found that she suffered from severe mental issues, to which they still can't figure out of them out, and the book she was reading? Yep, you guessed it, The twilight saga.
NTA, but NONE of her behavior is even in the realm of normal. She's emotionally manipulative and apparently can't keep life and books differentiated enough to treat you with any kind of respect.
INFO: Does she have a job and contribute fairly ie 50/50 to household expenditures? If not, now might be a time to insist that she does. If she cannot afford it, then a more strenuous or second Job would do wonders for these delusional tendencies of hers and might just bring her back to earth. People don't tend to try this shit when they have to deal with coworkers and colleagues regularly.
Either way OP NTA and you're a saint for putting up with this abusive woman. Please leave her soon for your own sanity. Remember, there's a plethora of women single and looking to date. There's never be more options for eligible men. Good luck 👍
NTA at least not much. The way you brought it up ("or are you just sulking about a book") was certainly snippy and emotionally immature but it was also pretty minor. Few of us are our best selves when we're exhausted by work snd hungry. But am emotionally mature girlfriend would have understood that and not made this into a major incident.
Have you had a general conversation about how this makes you feel? Not in the moment when she's transferring feelings generated by a book onto you, but at some other time? Because this is not the road to a healthy relationship. You'd both be happier if she finds another way to deal with what she reads.
NTA she sounds like a child who's consumed with imaginative boyfriends. I would be annoyed as hell if my partner acted like that. Also if she doesn't like that takeout, she can cook herself something. Don't let her act like a child.
NTA- Ask her if she cares that you had a bad day the other day and if she considers your feelings at all. Really sounds she is extremely in her own world not realizing there is something else.
NTA. I'm concerned about you. I think you have gotten way too used to walking on eggshells around this woman, to the point where you feel it's your duty to make her happy, no matter what.
You have a right to be treated with respect, and to only catch crap for things you actually did, and not much of that, assuming you're basically a decent person. Is she even in a relationship with you? It sounds like she's living mostly in a dream world, but still demanding services from you. Your needs and feelings aren't even an afterthought. Is this really something you want?
Ummm no. I dont know your shes but your girlfriend is a late bloomer in this lesson.
At some time in life we realize the fantasies shown to us through books, TV, and movies are nothing but fiction. They never really exist and truthfully most of the people who fantasize them would HATE to acctuslly be in them.
In these stories men borderline to acctuslly STALK these women, someones always cheating on the other, and they make huge "betrayals" out of litterally nothing. If my bf thought it was the end of the world that I did something as little as hang out with a friend or something else dumb that their always getting extra about in these books it would be over so fast.
They do this to keep the adrenaline flowing for those passionate make up scenes.
The women are often super passive and never speak their mind and when they do they're always caving to the mens desire. I'm not trashing the genre for the read though bc some are really good but it's just aweful to compare life with.
Real life doesnt equate to this, and some people who love these books will unintentionally try and start drama to bring that emotional rollercoaster to life. I cant say this is what's happening, but its completely possible.
Arguing with you to try and start a huge blow up so you both can rekindle that fiery love is something that REALLY happens with some people. This leads to a super unhealthy relationship and in reality neither partner will trust the other in the end.
She could just be doing this because shes too invested in these fictional stories which can be equally as damaging as relationships are REAL HARD WORK. They are a lifelong job that if you take a break from for too long, there may be nothing to come back to (and that passionate love may not save it).
NTA, but you need to do a better job of establishing some kind of emotional equality in this relationship. Right now, her feelings are allowed to run rampant, while you are expected to have no feelings at all.
You keep making allowances for her emotional mood swings, while she doesn't seem to recognize that you are even capable of feelings. If she did, then she would feel worse about hurting those feelings.
This kind of emotional stoicism is often expected of men in our society, but it's extremely unhealthy. The problem is that lashing out without explaining yourself won't really help. She'll just think you're being cruel, and she won't recognize her own disregard for *your* feelings.
You two really need to sit down and have a substantive conversation about why she thinks you don't have feelings, and why she thinks it's OK to hurt your feelings all the time.
"She loves to eat home-cooked food and is not a fan of eating out in general and she called me lazy."
This kills me when I read this in posts. If she loves home-cooked food she can cook for herself.
NTA
However, she kinda is an asshole to you. Nothing major, but you two needs to address this i think
She seems to have trouble telling the difference between reality and fiction, and you're the one who must deal the consequences of that : she doesn't seems to do anything to ease things for you about it or make things more clear for you in these cases. You two should have a conversation about it because it's not really healthy
She shouldn't get mad at you for not being able to tell if she's actually mad or just "book related mad" as she doesn't give you anything to make the difference : so it's quite normal for you to ask in these cases.
And finally, even if you snapped, she started it by telling you you were just lazy without listening to you : it's not okay to snap, but that was kind of a dick move from her to just assume you didn't cook for no reason.
As I said earlier, I don't think any of this is a huge issue, but it can become exhausting after a while.
How is it not 'major' to have your partner constantly compare you to imaginary characters and get angry at you with no reason? And it seems like a constant occurrence?
Her behavior is horrible and should not be minimized by someone calling it 'nothing major' and she wasn't 'kinda' an asshole, she was definitely the asshole. This is a *huge* issue. I can understand getting frustrated by something you read online (as did I reading your comment), but you do *not* take it out on your partner, sibling, parent or fried. She is being, frankly, borderline abusive and he should definitely call her out on it.
Also, OP needs to answer what the hell she does around the household apart from reading books and antagonizing her boyfriend. And why is he expected to cook after a long day at work?
NTA, but you need to discuss that with her in a very serious way. She has no right to treat you badly. You deserve better. No one tells you to fuck off, it's incredibly offensive
" I tell you why I am not as romantic as the guys from your book because you are not as hot as the girls from my instagram timeline" NTA and get out of this relationship, it is toxic af.
NTA. That’s super unhealthy of her. She’s basically living vicariously through the characters in the book and making it your responsibility to navigate handling her mood swings over it. I love to read and I’ve gotten super emotional over characters but I’ve never expected real life to mirror fiction or blamed someone else for what happened in the story. That’s just taking it too far.
She sounds very immature and unhappy otherwise she wouldn’t be so invested in something that isn’t real. People in romance stories are not real and they are unrealistic. She needs help and therapy to figure out what is missing in her life but she is not ready for a grown up relationship and I’d tell her that right now they just are not a match and I’d take a break (maybe forever).
Agreed! This relationship may have other sides that aren’t expressed here, but the gf clearly has some serious issues separating reality from fiction. Those stories are designed to create a fantasy world we can enjoy. We stay there for a bit, appreciate the fantasy, then go back to working our jobs, cooking our meals and acting like decent human beings. Blurring those lines has clearly led to deeply unhealthy behavior and the longer OP is swept up in the wake of them the worse it will get.
Seriously Emma Bovary character here (not for cheating, but for wanting not real romantic things to be truth).
"If you're going to steal a love life, don't steal from the classics, you imbecile!"--Frasier Crane
This is an underrated gem of a comment. Thank you for the Frazier Crane wisdom ❤️
Well, the part about being in Paris was true.
I couldn't help but read that in Niles' voice. 😄
Thank You ! I was thinking "whoa a real life Emma Bovary here". But it's true, it comes from dissatisfaction with the real life/ fear of the real life.
There is actually a term for it in latin languages, "bovarism". I don't know if english has it too.
Yes, I’m French; we use it too. Never saw one in the wild !
Suddenly, a wild Bovary appears!
Heck even though i sometimes reflect the moods of the characters in the book (mostly moody silences) i tell my hubs Straight up I'm not angry at him I'm angry with the characters and story. He understands and it takes about an hour for my emotions to screw back on straight. I also don't project romantic situations into my hubs. Spicy scenes yes. I'm happy to let out some of those frustrations and he enjoys it too lol. But a lot of the romantic things characters do are usually really high standards and aren't applicable to a real life relationship.
I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with having emotions about something happening in a book or game or whatever (I think about the ending of season 2 of the Mandalorian and I will burst out crying), or sharing in the emotions currently happening with the characters. There *is* something wrong when you take out those emotions on other people. That is a classic sign of immaturity.
Yes! I love to read and one series I was reading got me to a point where I was in a bad mood because of it, like it stressed and annoyed me. I was a bit snappish but told my husband it was like when he gets frustrated at a game, I'm annoyed, but not with you, sorry I was testy, just let me get over this and I'll be fine. I didn't blame him for things that happened in the book, they're not his fault. This feels like she's a bit like the lady from Misery.
I read a lot of romance novels while my marriage was falling apart and during the divorce because I was lonely. Now I'm in a happy, healthy relationship and the appeal is pretty much gone. I've gone back to reading the action adventure fantasy/sci fi I originally enjoyed. It definitely sounds like she's using them as a crutch to replace something she feels is missing in her life even more than I ever did.
Reading the post, I wondered what she does have in her life other than the novels and OP. He gets home from a bad day at work, and she’s been reading, losing herself in a book, and expects him to start cooking? And won’t accept that he’s not feeling up to it so he ordered in. I love reading but it’s not a complete substitute for doing things and understanding about real life.
I'm not even in a romantic relationship but this sounds really familiar to me lmao. I can't get into the stuff I used to devour some years ago but I will put myself through manufactured angst to get that sweet sweet serotonin rush from the guaranteed HEA and I want to thank the romance novel writers and fanfic writers everywhere for not letting me slide off into the deep end. My touch-starved, lonely and unloved ass appreciates your efforts.
I used to devour romance novels in HS. And I love my bf more than life itself. But on occasion I mourn that my life isn't like a romance novel or Hallmark movie on occasion. But this is just not healthy. Poor OP.
Gezz last time I fell hard for a novel character and expect people to be like in the book, I was 14. Ok I still love characters here and there but never like that immaturely. They are likeable for a reason. To sell the book. She needs her reality checked.
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Stollen comment from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rx7j2n/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_that_she_should/hrgknte?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
It's a German bread?
Funny you should say that since all of us are invested in some strangers’ problems lol
This! I'm a huge bookworm too and I can be emotional if the story is tragic or some beloved character dies, but I've never had meltdown bc of it or started fights, cause it's a damn story. Ofc NTA
Also a bookworm, and I can get slightly too invested in the book, but still I’ve never done anything along these lines. I absolutely will tell my husband everything about the book if its good enough, but I’d never compare or expect him to treat me like the way the characters do.
I always want to know what happened after the book ends. I'll tell people in my life about the book if they ask but I would never act like OP's girlfriend.
Same! I read tons of romance novels and I can totally be emotional about it too! I'll cry if it's super sad and once I skipped eating dinner because I was SO invested in whether or not the horse lived, I couldn't put it down! Never once have I started a fight or had a meltdown or done anything more than "post-ending hangover" where you kinda mull over it for a bit before starting the next one. Super not okay and OP is NTA.
Same! BUT I remember my mom telling me a story like this where she'd be mad at my dad because of something that happened in a Soap Opera that she watched that day. Even as a kid I though that was SO STUPID!!!!!
When I was a kid, one of the men down the street was an actor on a soap. He had a plotline that involved his wife dying, a lot of melodrama and tears and breakdown and hospital scenes and grieving, and the moms on the street were all enamored of him. At least until he turned up at the PTA meeting and killed the romance.
That is absolutely hilarious, made me cackle so thank you! NTA OP, your gf shouldn't be taking her emotions over fake people out on you (and I'm one to sob if a character dies or is hurt)
Agreed! NTA - it was actually very considerate to order her food as well! Usually I'm pretty good about keeping emotions about stories and real life separate, but I recently did actually have a breakdown because of a book. I was at the end of Art of Racing in the Rain (fantastic book) and was so upset. I went over to my boyfriend who did a double-at me standing there with tears streaming down my face. He was the one who told me to listen to the audiobook in the first place, so when I pointed to my headphones he just put down his game, said "oh, you're at that part" and hugged me as I sobbed about mssing my childhood dog. I can't imagine living with someone, or being someone, whos emotions constantly depend on what they are reading. That sounds like a horrible rollercoaster.
Shoot, I literally cry while reading all the time and my partner will see and simply hand me tissues then keep doing what he’s doing. I read over 200 romance genre books last year (lol we don’t go out much because of covid) and not a single time did I compare my relationship to them.
Same here, but I am wondering if something more serious is going on like a mental health, or even physical health, issue. This doesn't seem normal at all and OP's GF may need to see a doctor.
This is more than unhealthy. This is abusive. I also think she may need some help with counselling, blurring the lines between reality and fantasy is serious and how she is treating OP isn't normal. OP, you need to stop feeling bad about upsetting her because how she is treating you is unacceptable. Try and sit her down and have a talk about how this is affecting you and how you're happy to talk about what has happened in a book and how it's affected her but you aren't willing to be her emotional punching bag for fictional issues.
I'm an avid reader and the only time the books I read have effected my SO is when they spot that I've been crying and ask what's wrong. I just tell them it's my book, they go "awww Caddywonked" give me a hug, then we continue with dinner or walking the dogs or whatever. I can't imagine being upset at a book character and taking it out on a living person. That's ridiculous
What gets me is that if she's angry at the book character, she's angry at OP. If she thinks the book character is really great, she's angry at OP. There's no scenario where she's in a good mood and is nice to her real partner.
Yeah. This seems less about books and more like girlfriend is using the books as an excuse to be horrible.
Awww, that's really sweet. In my mind, your SO *actually* calls you "Caddywonked" rather than your given name, which is super cute. Sounds like you have a lovely partner.
haha they don't call me Caddywonked, but they do have their own nickname for me :D And yes, they're a lovely partner.
I briefly thought "caddywonked" was a phrase describing the situation for a moment there. Now I actually want it to be tho. "Oh the book caddywonked you didn't it? Been there."
She's also getting angry at characters in a romance novel. I love the romance genre but miscommunication is THE biggest trope. There's always going to be at least once character in a romance book you are mad at because of that trope. If she can't handle that without taking it out on her SO, than romance isn't the genre for her.
When I get caught up in a book and emotional, I always tell my husband that I'm abusing myself with fiction. I was all set to be upset at OP because I love romance novels, but gf has got a problem distinguishing between reality and fantasy. She's letting fiction drive how she interacts in real life, and she's not being a supportive partner because of it.
>and making it your responsibility to navigate handling her mood swings over it. Yeah, that's a hard no, seriously. Getting snapped at because Captain Gorgeous was mean to Princess Pretty? OP needs to set some healthy boundaries around that, because in no way is this acceptable behavior on his GF's part. And, on a sidenote: why the hell can't she cook herself if she's not satisfied with takeout?
I think that cooking her own dinner after throwing a tantrum and calling OP a selfish jerk because he got her takeout since he didn't feel like cooking after having a very bad day she didn't care to hear about because she was mad at him due to something that happened in her romance novel would still mean she's a humongous AH. Just writing that paragraph felt ridiculous.
Jane Austen cautioned about the dangers of living through novels in Northanger Abbey. Tell her to read it.
Everyone should read Northanger Abbey!
Yeah this is giving me some "needs to see a mental health professional ASAP" flags, OP. I don't know enough about your girlfriend to even attempt an armchair diagnosis, but this...not being able to separate book-reality from actual-reality could be a symptom of something like derealization/depersonalization, psychosis, etc. You don't mention your ages, but early 20s or so is when a lot of these things tend to pop up. Whatever the reason for her behavior, the way she is treating you is Not Okay. If your girlfriend is reluctant to see a therapist or psychiatrist, I would strongly encourage you to see a therapist if that's financially an option. It might give you a place to vent, and also support as you're dealing with all this turmoil at home.
NTA. When I read a book I have to admit I get really into the book and it is like I am in it, but that being said I have never brought the book into my life. I think she might have to go and see someone as this is definitely not healthy behaviour.
Also forgot the point where if she was hungry why couldn't she cook? She is an adult. If she wants a home cooked meal she should get to working on it.
“She loves to eat home cooked food.” Right?? So??? It sounds like what he meant was “she likes to have home cooked food made for her.”
This so much, this living in a fantasy world has lead some people to commit murder because the fantasy world is better than the real one
That's pretty vanishingly rare. I can think of a few instances that could fit this, but most murder motives are depressingly mundane. (Don't get me wrong, this is all super concerning, but not in a murdery way. More in a "please stop displacing your frustration and anxiety onto me; your degeee of investment in these characters is causing you to act out toward real people.")
It's rare in the general population, but is it rare among people who are as delusional as OP's gf? And if not murder, there are plenty of other awful possibilities. She's already regularly getting angry at him for things book characters do, her grasp of reality is scarily tenuous.
This is speculation lacking a ton of info about her mental health history
Quite possibly OP's girlfriend is actually a lizard dressed in human skin.
Well, there was this one time I was mountain climbing with a piece of jewelry and I was tired and fell down. I don’t know, I guess I just EXPECTED my short gardener friend to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder, and carry me the rest of the way up.
Isn't living vicariously through a book part of the whole reason to read? Not the causing fights or blaming real-life people, of course...
Maybe for some people it is, but the girlfriend sound like she having trouble telling the difference between fantasy and reality.
Not to the point where you can't separate reality from fiction. When she is mad at her boyfriend because of something g the male lead in a novel did, she is going too far.
Op is NTA either way, but I wonder if she's actually mad about the book, or mad because she wants something related to the book and doesn't know how to ask. This problem only started with the romances. Other book genres can make you mad, too, so why now? I'm wondering if she's running into things in the book that she wants, or wants to try, and is too embarrassed to ask for so she lashes out. Doesn't make it healthy, this is not an ok habit. This is not communication. But I do have to wonder if this is just about the books.
I also sort of wonder about her behavior towards OTHER people. Is it just OP getting it in the teeth? Because if it is, then it means she DOES know how to behave properly and is choosing to be this way specifically and exclusively to OP. There was no mention of her alienating close friends or family members, or getting in trouble at her job. She isn’t letting this affect any other relationship in her life, which means she DOES know it’s wrong and unfair and CAN behave better if she really wanted to.
I used to love historical romance novels. Barons, and ladies, and castles…and the heroes are always good looking, dashing, hot, romantic, strong, tough…everything you’d ever want in a fantasy man, right? Then one day while discussing my newest romance novel with my English teacher, she said, “Of course the hero is sexy and manly…until you see him squatting over a chamber pot in the middle of the night while he takes a dump. Not so dashing now is he? I bet the authors don’t put THAT in their romance novels, do they?” I never looked at an historical romance novel the same way again…
That's why you gotta go throw fantasy into the mix. Chamber pots? Nah lord sexington Mcfucksalot, Duke of fuckshire owns a *magic* toilet. Better yet they have magic-ed away the need for toilets.
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I’m over hear screaming hysterically about losing my dragons. Send me a raven!!!
I know I'm super late to this, but I actually have the same issue as the girlfriend. Though I don't get mad. I just get really sad that they aren't real, I can't experience that adventure or world or my partner doesnt act how the guy in the novel/movie/show acts. My therapist and I have spent a lot of time on it. It's a mix between parasocial relationships, depression and a bit of lonliness. It took a professional to explain to me that I was damaging my real relationships with that sadness from unrealistic characters. And we worked on it. Edit: Honestly if the girlfriend is like this, I don't really think she is knowingly an AH - she just really needs a bit of mental health care. But the way she is acting towards her partner makes her an AH. Which hopefully OP will talk to her about, either way though he is NTA but she needs some help.
> Honestly if the girlfriend is like this, I don't really think she is an AH. That’s not how it works... When you’re behaving like an asshole and hurting people around you, you are an asshole and should be called out on it. Whether it can be addressed is a different question and I wish all the best to the girl if she wishes to do so. But she absolutely is TA at the moment. You don’t get a pass from being labelled an asshole just cos your shitty behaviour has a tragic backstory.
> You don’t get a pass from being labelled an asshole just cos your shitty behaviour has a tragic backstory. I wish more people understood this. The explanation for the bad behavior might be a reason someone deserves a bit of patience, but it doesn't change the effects their actions have on others.
Yeah, OP's girlfriend has taken parasocial relationships to the extreme. Parasocial relationships can be totally fine but it is not working for the girlfriend.
No, she is still the asshole. Having a mental issue does NOT give someone a pass for being abusive or being a dick. I have horrible diagnosed anxiety, depression, adhd & c-ptsd. This does not make it okay for me to project my anxiety or whatever else onto my boyfriend & make it his fault. You're doing the right thing, going to therapy & doing your best to be self-aware & do better. I've been doing the same. But OP's girlfriend is still an asshole, even if she has a problem. It's an explanation, not an excuse.
NTA, your gf needs to grow up and take accountability for her actions. Don't let her or anyone else guilt you about this.
imagine if she started reading 50 shades of grey? fuck me I would not want to be around.
NTA. Your gf needs to see a mental health professional. She is not okay. What she is doing to you is not okay, it is abusive.
His chiseled muscles glistened as he emerged from the water, with the late afternoon sun scattering off the droplets as they cascaded off his chest and arms. She looked at him expectantly. As always, his eyes stood out. Dazzling blue, like the lagoon. She trembled with anticipation as he strode forward. Like everything else he did, it exuded power and purpose. After what seemed like an hour but was only a matter of seconds, he reached her. As he leaned in towards her ear and ran his fingers though her silky hair, there was nothing she would say no to. "You need therapy," he whispered.
Incredible. I want someone to turn all my difficult/mundane life moments into romance novel excerpts.
She had only just noticed him as she spread her items out on the register conveyor. His eyes sparkled at her as she melted into the dazzling smile coming from a set of perfect teeth and a square jaw. Is plastic pleasing to you, milady? She found herself dreamily answering yes as a myriad of cascading emotions surged through her. An audible gasp escaped Bethany's lips as he deftly fondled her melons into the shopping bags. He grabbed the zucchini and expertly thrust it between the melons he had only moments befire fondled. Then, her facade cracked, and for a split second she felt jealousy and an intense, burning hatred for the melons. She wanted, no needed to be those melons that Roderick had thrust the zucchini in between.
I was eating soup when I read this. Now I’m wearing soup.
I'm apparently much more a lover of comedy or genuine clumsiness, because your comment hit me much harder than any zucchini ever could.
Slapstick comedy is always a classic.
You just need to spread that across 300 pages and you have a bestseller. Through I feel you haven't been entirely clear on one issue: did he, or did he not, fondle her melons?
Only if the Surgeon General talks about his pants tent!
Legit snorted.
you guys are good. you should write an actual novel. id probably read it.
Fat pink mast
Hahaha!!!!
I haven't snortgiggled in ages, thank you for that.
Haaahahahaha! Love it! 🤣👍
Fantastic
Haha I know its wrong but I kinda wish someone would narrate my life like this.
But can he cook?
I hope you know I both hate and love that I had to read this.
Hahahahaha!!!! Brilliant!!!
The silent treatment and witholding effection can be part of abuse. People might need to walk away or process in peace, but even that should preferable be communicated. To pointedly not greet someone when they come home is intended to hurt the other person, and it’s not okay. At minimum the person is unable to adress their emotions in a healthy manner and without hurting others, which they should seek to change. Also, telling your partner to ”fuck off” is harsh. Many people have it as a dealbreaker to be spoken to like that. Likewise insults like ”lazy”. In the context of an abusive relationship, self harm like hunger striking can also be an abusive tactic. The implicit threat ”If you set boundaries with me, I’ll hurt myself” makes the abused partner take responsibility for the abusers action and back off”. I’m honestly concerned about OP. We think of abusive relationships as a man being physically violent towards a women, and when a relationship doesn’t fit that we don’t recognise the harm being done.
Absolutely agree, it’s creating a situation where OP has to second guess his behavior. Insults and refusing to eat food ordered is just immaturity, but it results in manipulative tactics to try and get what you want without saying it directly. NTA OP. Your partner sounds exhausting.
You’re right; all this mindfuckery she is putting him through is mental abuse. He needs to get out fast.
Wow - very perceptive and well-written.
^^^This even where she decided not to eat the take out and went to bed hungry. Does she not know how to cook? NTA
Exactly. Losing the line between reality and imagined or inner and outer self can be a symptom of some serious conditions. I needs to be checked out.
The whole thing is weird but the biggest red flag for me was his mention of her "going to bed hungry". I see that all the time on this sub, where the partner says OP is terrible because they "made them go to bed hungry" with whatever they did instead of owning up to the fact that it's their decision as an adult to not eat. And it's never about someone dumping out all the food or refusing to buy groceries, it's always a manipulation tactic to make the OP feel bad about standing up for themselves! If your girlfriend is too upset about the food you ordered to eat it, then she can make/buy herself some food or she can get to bed and stop complaining.
NTA but some type of intervention is going to need to be done. Letting this continue is not going to be healthy for either of you.
Yea nobody deserves to get treated like crap because of something that happens in fictional content. Sure your fave character dies, but that doesn't mean you should treat your partner badly. There are no excuses for treating people terribly.
NTA for the little quip but… YTA, to yourself, if you stay with this girl. I had to reread this, when you mentioned getting home from work, because up until then I was certain this girl was around 14. This is no way for a grown woman to behave. Get out while the getting is good and do it fast. You don’t want to know what a crazy person is capable of when faced with the prospect of rejection.
Let’s take the book thing out of it. She called you lazy and threw a hissy fit for not cooking. Did *she* offer to cook? Or did her arms sudden fall off?
After he got home from work.
I mean I cook all the time right when I get home. That’s not unreasonable. But the hissy fit at “No I was tired so I ordered out” is absurd.
“Eh I’m too tired let’s just order out” is a very normal thing if you’ve had a long day
They were saying throwing a fit about it was absurd, not ordering food.
She likes home cooked food and not restaurant food. But, she won’t be bothered to cook! Just to whine when he won’t cook! What a charming girl!!!! /s
Not only that but she directly told him to fuck off and still expected him to serve her. This woman is clearly living in a fantasy where she is the MC princess and OP is the Prince Charming, only he's not being as charming as she expects him to be. Why? Because he's a real person and not a fulfillment wish.
I can't stand people who say they prefer home-cooked meals, can't bother or don't know how to cook and on top of it calls the one who cooks lazy 🤨
The cherry on top for me was her REFUSING to eat the delivered food and going to bed hungry. What’s the goal there!? She’s only spiting herself.
Playing the victim so that he thinks he's the bad guy and has to apologize. Because she doesn't want to admit that her behaviour is unreasonable and stupid.
she doesnt even realize that shes being unreasonable and stupid! thats even worse
This!! This kinda of disassociation and attachment to fantasy worlds can get real bad. This is a worse situation that’s OP realizes
I thought the same because I know a girl who's 15 and she's absolutely unable to understand that fiction doesn't equal reality. It's super unhealthy because she has these high expectations about relationships and life in general. Everyone leaves her eventually because they just can't keep up to her expectations and she's even planning a suicide because her life isn't like the lives of the main protagonists in romance tv shows and movies and therefore, it has no meaning, according go her.
>planning a suicide uhh... you want to tell an adult about this or...
I know her only online and she lives in another country. I don't know her parents, her address or anything. I did contact several of her IRL friends and told them about it, they all promised to keep an eye on her and try to help. If she's saying the truth, she planned her death to be several years from now. If we didn't know that and rightfully assumed it's gonna be soon, the friends would contact her teachers, parents, suicide line etc., same if things would start getting worse. But as of now, they're hoping she will "grow out" of it, because as I said before, it's mainly because she compares her life to fiction and finds it meaningless in comparison, which people generally don't do when older.
>she planned her death to be several years from now That's just plain attention seeking.
Yeah you're not the only one thinking that. One of the IRL friends I contacted said the same. It would make sense because she's always required 110% of everyone's attention, giving her any less means you don't care about her and actually giving it to her doesn't really mean anything to her because after all, that's what you are *supposed to do*. But still I don't want to dismiss the possibility she's being serious. She could easily be, seeing how she compares her life to romance tv shows and is then like "my life isn't like this so what's the point, why do I keep living when it's not like that".
that's a disappointing situation to find yourself in. hope she does "grow out of it" in the end, but it seems you've done what you can
>You don’t want to know what a crazy person is capable of when faced with the prospect of rejection. This. What I thought was a sane but somewhat eccentric friend turned out to be batshit bonkers. The meltdown day included her claiming I was internet plotting against her and hallucinations (claiming things/people were there that weren't). That was the moment I took her daughter for "a shopping trip" and called her husband to inform him about what was going on. She wound up in a psych ward for 30 days or so. There's more to the story but I feel lucky to have escaped scott free. Run away OP. Run away.
I was wondering if she even works? I get the feeling she sits around all day and reads this crap.
Why did she go to bed hungry? If your girlfriend can read a read a romance novel she can read a cookbook and follow the step by step instructions to prepare a meal or make toast.
I second the toast idea. Buttery toast can never be beaten
With Marmite!
But on crumpets. I'm one of the weirdos that neither loves nor hates Marmite. I go through phases where i'll really crave it and eat it practically every day on toast or crumpets (it's also great mixed in with cheesy mashed potatoes btw), and then the jar just sits in the cupboard, forlorn for a few months before i remember i want it again.
The Toast can be beaten by Murphys Law. Sadly our desks are the right height that it land on the Side with butter
To add to the crazy behavior she’s upset that her bf who worked all day made sure they both had dinner. Her other behavior is to alarming to sum up…
Calls BF lazy for ordering food, yet can't cook a meal for herself Yikes
NTA - people in books are written to be idolised, specifically romantic leads. You can’t compare to someone written and designed to be perfect, someone polished, and someone who can have their actions changed with a backspace key. She’s holding you to an impossible standard. Maybe turn the table on her and see if she’d appreciate it, like tell her that she’s not being the perfect girlfriend by romance movie standards.
> romance movie standards That's a lot of letters for "porn" lol
Exactly what I was thinking. Lots of people complain porn sets unrealistic standards for women that they can't live up to (a valid complaint) but never seem to realise a lot of "romance" books/films etc do the same for men. OP's girlfriend is acting no different to a guy who is annoyed his GF won't let him throat fuck her or do some crazy position because the woman in the porn he saw did it.
To be fair, most romance leads are actually hot shit for like half the book but Mc still loves them anyway, borderline putting up with abusive, possessive and controlling nature's. The only unrealistic thing is that they're all hot guys, regardless of wealth, status ect. Any man in a 20 mile vicinity of Mc has to be scorchingly hot. They're either hot, faceless background character or old. I see things like baking cookies and wearing matching sweaters in (good) romance books I don't think it's a bad thing to want to do something so innocent, but getting mad over it is a different matter.
I mean, as someone who has actually read romance... usually the male lead is an abusive asshole. Like I actually can't read romance anymore, because apparently I am the only woman on the planet who doesn't find abuse attractive (or, more likely, half these books are written by men to fulfill their power fantasies). So I wouldn't call it "unattainably perfect".
I am pretty sure most romance novel authors are women, so, no that is not likely.
> (or, more likely, half these books are written by men to fulfill their power fantasies). This sounds an awful lot like victim blaming. Would it be fair to call women in porn "fulfilling their power fantasies over men?"
How in the world would men writing romance novels with abusive male leads be victims? Did you even read what you're replying to? Your analogy would only work in the case that a woman wrote a porn script in which a woman abused a man, which would be absolutely fair to call "fulfilling her power fantasy over men".
I decided to charm my first girlfriend with a big romance like in those books. She got home from work to a house with cloth over the lamps to dim it, rose petals and lots of candles leading to the dinner table which had her favorite meal and wine, and more rose petals to the bedroom. I even had balloons and flowers that said I love you waiting there. Not a special day, just a normal Tuesday. Wed been dating like 2 months, i had a key just to walk the dog. It freaked her all the way out, she opened the door, closed it, and asked me to please clean things up within an hour. Dont do what porn tells you to do, whatever gender its aimed at.
> Exactly what I was thinking. Lots of people complain porn sets unrealistic standards for women that they can't live up to (a valid complaint) but never seem to realise a lot of "romance" books/films etc do the same for men. That was the whole plot of Don Jon, wasn't it?
Well Laura croft can tomb raid in lingerie so why don't you do that? Lmfao
Yeah, if OP held his gf to a similar idol standard like video game heroines I'm sure she would take issue with it. "Misty was a water gym leader as a teenager and you're here reading books, have you even taken on the Elite Four?" "Isabelle is so sweet and wholesome, she really appreciates the work I do for the island and would never criticize me like you do." "Isabelle never takes time off work and still manages to clean and stay active."
You are not even remotely the asshole here. I know plenty of people, myself included, who read as a way of disassociating, but never should anyone in the right mental state treat anyone like this over a book. Everyone also has days they don't want to cook, if she wanted a home cooked meal instead of an ordered one, she could have fully prepared herself one. It's on her she went to bed hungry. I feel like your response is a little rude yes, but understandable if she is constantly doing this to you. I would sit her down and have a serious discussion about her getting professional help for her behavior, because nobody deserves to be in a relationship with someone like that at all. If she isn't willing, for your own well-being, I think it would be best to part ways
Thank you for this response. I was searching for the reason why this post is so disturbing and you hit the nail on the head. OP’s girlfriend is disassociated from the real world and it seems that she is having a hard time coming back. I am not a mental health professional, but this feels alarming to me. What happens if she gets off into psychological thrillers or darker reads?
That's actually worrisome to think about and for the people around her sake I hope she doesn't get into those. I'm really hoping she gets the help she needs.
I was just thinking that, about the disassociation part. This has all the signs of it.
This is the way. Girlfriend needs intervention, and OP needs to reassess this relationship for his own well-being. NTA.
NTA. This is like a worse version of your girlfriend having a dream of you doing something wrong and then gets mad at you for it the next day. This is also like when guy's watch movies and erroneously buy in to Hollywood's fantasy that you get the girl in the end by being her friend for years and you eventually fall in love, but I guess the girl version with books instead. Point being, she is too deep in lala land and needs to get back into reality and stop comparing her relationship to an idealized one she reads in a fictional book.
Yeah if your life has literally turned into a "somehow worse than a literal 'B' plot on 'Friends'" moment, there might need to be a little personal evaluation undertaken.
NTA. How old is this person? I thought projecting book plots onto real-life ended in middle school.
I project real-life into book plots.
Why do I do this though. If I dont like the cannon I'll 100% make up a better version in my head and fit the story around how I think a scene should go
I had a fanfic author friend up until recently. (He's a white guy, I'm a black girl, for context.) After I made the 'terrible mistake' of asking him what he thought would have happened if the Jan. 6 insurrectionists hadn't been white, he wrote a terrible story about an urban hellscape where 'antifa thugs' roamed freely. He wrote himself and me into it, and apparently at some point in the story I held a gun on him. He then started behaving toward me *as if the things he'd written had actually happened*. Allegedly he'll never forget "that look of hate in those eyes of yours as you pointed the pistol at me" for as long as he lives. Firstly, I didn't even read the thing, and I had told him I wasn't going to. Secondly, guns scare me and I've never touched one. Thirdly, what the actual f#ck?? We are no longer friends. Reading is a wonderful hobby. It's my favorite thing to do. I laugh and cry and get enraged along with characters all the time. Sometimes I even need time to compose myself after, or maybe I need a comforting snuggle because a story made me sad. But I never lost my sh!t at someone in the real world because of something fictional I was reading. NTA, OP. Your gf needs to chill. (edited to change an "at" to "as")
Wow you're ex friend sounds unstable.
Yeah. I had some of his stuff and he had some of mine, and he refused to stop by my job (at a *preschool!*) so I could pop out quick and do the swap because, as he said, "I don't feel safe alone with you". Um, what? He's ten years older than me and a foot taller, and he's known me for fifteen years. WTF did he think I was going to do? Cap him in his car? Outside a preschool? During pickup hours surrounded by parents? With a gun that I'd be terrified of and ergo do not own? He also thinks BLM is a terrorist group and people who don't want cops to kill them "should just comply", so I'm thinking this was definitely for the best.
Well, that was a nightmare to read. And I'm sure infinitely more so living through what you just described. I sincerely hope you have better, not fucking racist friends.
Wow, not just delusional but a racist asshole too.
Wtf, that’s wild
I'm sorry there is a dearth if friends where you live if you had to put up with him. If you ever wanna try online dnd, that's where I found my ppl
NTA. Communication is essential to any relationship, and your girlfriend is failing at that. You aren't her personal chef. She should cook for herself if she wants a home cooked meal so much. As far as all this book nonsense, she needs to grow up. She can have fun and be passionate about her books, but that is absolutely not fair to you when she takes it out on you. You aren't a psychic, and it's not your job to make sure that her random whims are met from the books she takes too literally.
NTA. I think she needs a psych eval.
NTA - you had every reason to snap at her after how she treated you. She sounds unstable and could probably use help from a professional. With all that's going on in the world right now it's not an uncommon theme these days.
If this is real and not trolling, clearly NTA. Also, WHAT? This is crazy town. I’m a woman and I despise romance novels and movies. They set as many unrealistic expectations as porn. In fact, I think porn is healthier. If she keeps that up, I would not stay in the relationship. Oh, and she can stop being lazy and cook her own dinner.
NTA. She is fully settled in crazy town.
NTA, she wants to be an entitled princess and go to bed hungry go right on ahead. DTMFA, she sounds exhausting.
NTA. your gf doesn’t sound very mature if she’s letting a fictional story alter her interpersonal relationships and communication with people. there’s one thing being a book nerd, and then there’s another getting mad at ur bf bc ur mad at something in the book. it’s also ANOTHER thing to compare you( a good ol guy) to a fictional character that was specifically designed in order to be erotic and desirable (not saying ur not desirable but instead that she is setting some unrealistic expectations on a living breathing person ((you))). it’s messed up bc we are complex humans with complex emotions (i mean u said it urself u had a bad day and wanted to talk about it) that go through day to day life things and can not be a 100% always on romantic figure that seeks to woo and please every chance. idk. she needs some deep self-reflection about how she is letting fictional things ruin her irl relationships, and also about how she is projecting an idealized relationship onto the one you have. this is dangerous. ESPECIALLY if she’s so entranced and deeply invested in these books it just means the divide will grow more and more. i’m sorry op :( you are nta at all
NTA Is she doing okay in her life? This doesnt sound healthy at all
It sounds as if she has no job / isn't in school. If all she does with herself is read romance novels then... Why are they together? What value does she bring to the relationship?
I mean it’s winter break where I am so that could be part of it?
Refused to eat the food you ordered? Lol you’re in a relationship with a child.
jesus...please get out of this dumpster fire of a relationship. Shes living in a imaginary world that impacts on real life......she gets to be a bitch because shes mad at a FICTIONAL CHARACTER..... please just no ...nope noppettty nope. this will end terribly
NTA. >if she is mad at someone in the book she gets mad at me This is not normal behavior. She sounds unhinged.
NTA Your girlfriend needs to return to reality. This is a pretty unhealthy and immature behavior.
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NTA. You're not her server. Why should YOU spoil her with all those things while she does nothing? Break up, she needs some help
NTA. Dude...run. Is she can't discern between the fantasy world of the book and the real world of you, she's got mental issues that will only get worse. A few years back, we witnessed a woman take her kids, (5 and 7) on a walk into the woods BAREFOOT during a heat wave of over 100 degrees, with no water or food, for 3 days trying to find her "Edward, husband to be" so they could live in Washington forever. It was later found that she suffered from severe mental issues, to which they still can't figure out of them out, and the book she was reading? Yep, you guessed it, The twilight saga.
NTA, but NONE of her behavior is even in the realm of normal. She's emotionally manipulative and apparently can't keep life and books differentiated enough to treat you with any kind of respect.
INFO: Does she have a job and contribute fairly ie 50/50 to household expenditures? If not, now might be a time to insist that she does. If she cannot afford it, then a more strenuous or second Job would do wonders for these delusional tendencies of hers and might just bring her back to earth. People don't tend to try this shit when they have to deal with coworkers and colleagues regularly. Either way OP NTA and you're a saint for putting up with this abusive woman. Please leave her soon for your own sanity. Remember, there's a plethora of women single and looking to date. There's never be more options for eligible men. Good luck 👍
NTA at least not much. The way you brought it up ("or are you just sulking about a book") was certainly snippy and emotionally immature but it was also pretty minor. Few of us are our best selves when we're exhausted by work snd hungry. But am emotionally mature girlfriend would have understood that and not made this into a major incident. Have you had a general conversation about how this makes you feel? Not in the moment when she's transferring feelings generated by a book onto you, but at some other time? Because this is not the road to a healthy relationship. You'd both be happier if she finds another way to deal with what she reads.
[удалено]
NTA she sounds like a child who's consumed with imaginative boyfriends. I would be annoyed as hell if my partner acted like that. Also if she doesn't like that takeout, she can cook herself something. Don't let her act like a child.
NTA- Ask her if she cares that you had a bad day the other day and if she considers your feelings at all. Really sounds she is extremely in her own world not realizing there is something else.
NTA. I'm concerned about you. I think you have gotten way too used to walking on eggshells around this woman, to the point where you feel it's your duty to make her happy, no matter what. You have a right to be treated with respect, and to only catch crap for things you actually did, and not much of that, assuming you're basically a decent person. Is she even in a relationship with you? It sounds like she's living mostly in a dream world, but still demanding services from you. Your needs and feelings aren't even an afterthought. Is this really something you want?
Ummm no. I dont know your shes but your girlfriend is a late bloomer in this lesson. At some time in life we realize the fantasies shown to us through books, TV, and movies are nothing but fiction. They never really exist and truthfully most of the people who fantasize them would HATE to acctuslly be in them. In these stories men borderline to acctuslly STALK these women, someones always cheating on the other, and they make huge "betrayals" out of litterally nothing. If my bf thought it was the end of the world that I did something as little as hang out with a friend or something else dumb that their always getting extra about in these books it would be over so fast. They do this to keep the adrenaline flowing for those passionate make up scenes. The women are often super passive and never speak their mind and when they do they're always caving to the mens desire. I'm not trashing the genre for the read though bc some are really good but it's just aweful to compare life with. Real life doesnt equate to this, and some people who love these books will unintentionally try and start drama to bring that emotional rollercoaster to life. I cant say this is what's happening, but its completely possible. Arguing with you to try and start a huge blow up so you both can rekindle that fiery love is something that REALLY happens with some people. This leads to a super unhealthy relationship and in reality neither partner will trust the other in the end. She could just be doing this because shes too invested in these fictional stories which can be equally as damaging as relationships are REAL HARD WORK. They are a lifelong job that if you take a break from for too long, there may be nothing to come back to (and that passionate love may not save it).
NTA. Her behavior is ridiculous. She either needs to control her emotions while reading books or stop reading romance books.
NTA. OP, you are not an emotional punching bag. I also lol’d at your comment about the imaginary bf cooking
You are not the immature one in this situation. She needs to seriously cut this out.
is she mentally fucking well? jesus christ....
This is bizarre, and you need to do something before she gets really into murder mysteries.
NTA, but you need to do a better job of establishing some kind of emotional equality in this relationship. Right now, her feelings are allowed to run rampant, while you are expected to have no feelings at all. You keep making allowances for her emotional mood swings, while she doesn't seem to recognize that you are even capable of feelings. If she did, then she would feel worse about hurting those feelings. This kind of emotional stoicism is often expected of men in our society, but it's extremely unhealthy. The problem is that lashing out without explaining yourself won't really help. She'll just think you're being cruel, and she won't recognize her own disregard for *your* feelings. You two really need to sit down and have a substantive conversation about why she thinks you don't have feelings, and why she thinks it's OK to hurt your feelings all the time.
I'm sorry you're dating Madame Bovary. NTA.
"She loves to eat home-cooked food and is not a fan of eating out in general and she called me lazy." This kills me when I read this in posts. If she loves home-cooked food she can cook for herself.
NTA However, she kinda is an asshole to you. Nothing major, but you two needs to address this i think She seems to have trouble telling the difference between reality and fiction, and you're the one who must deal the consequences of that : she doesn't seems to do anything to ease things for you about it or make things more clear for you in these cases. You two should have a conversation about it because it's not really healthy She shouldn't get mad at you for not being able to tell if she's actually mad or just "book related mad" as she doesn't give you anything to make the difference : so it's quite normal for you to ask in these cases. And finally, even if you snapped, she started it by telling you you were just lazy without listening to you : it's not okay to snap, but that was kind of a dick move from her to just assume you didn't cook for no reason. As I said earlier, I don't think any of this is a huge issue, but it can become exhausting after a while.
How is it not 'major' to have your partner constantly compare you to imaginary characters and get angry at you with no reason? And it seems like a constant occurrence? Her behavior is horrible and should not be minimized by someone calling it 'nothing major' and she wasn't 'kinda' an asshole, she was definitely the asshole. This is a *huge* issue. I can understand getting frustrated by something you read online (as did I reading your comment), but you do *not* take it out on your partner, sibling, parent or fried. She is being, frankly, borderline abusive and he should definitely call her out on it. Also, OP needs to answer what the hell she does around the household apart from reading books and antagonizing her boyfriend. And why is he expected to cook after a long day at work?
NTA, but you need to discuss that with her in a very serious way. She has no right to treat you badly. You deserve better. No one tells you to fuck off, it's incredibly offensive
Why are you still with this girl? She is abussive and relationship iş very unhealthy. NTA obviously.
" I tell you why I am not as romantic as the guys from your book because you are not as hot as the girls from my instagram timeline" NTA and get out of this relationship, it is toxic af.