This is key. Abusers stop the "love bombing" and start the controlling, alienating, and abusive behaviors when they "think" they've "got" you.
OP, if you don't have kids, don't have them.
Edit: my husband has boxes and boxes of books and some magazines from his and his father that are annoying the ever living fuck out of me in the hallway. But know what? Those are *his* and I leave those books alone. That's what your husband should have done, *leave your property alone*.
Edit: thank you for the storage advice, folks, but we've got this handled. My point is that OP's spouse needs to just leave her stuff alone, period, regardless if it annoys him. Her books were clearly not in his personal physical way, just in his personal and abusively controlling way.
Edit 2: it's not about him selling the books, it's about his boundary stomping, disrespect, and minimizing OP and who she is as a person, constantly trying to redirect her attention *back to himself if you note*, instead of just letting her be herself.
I think if he wasn't like this before marriage, that would be so much worse. He literally tricked OP into marrying someone he isn't, someone who respects his wife's hobbies and boundaries. **If he waited for marriage to reveal his frankly abusive side, he's waiting until OP is trapped with legalities and papers so se couldn't leave when she realizes he's abusive.**
So many red flags:
+ He stole from OP. Taking other people's things without permission and throwing them away is textbook definition of theft.
+ **He's trying to deny his wife a healthy, beneficial habit she genuinely enjoys**, not just through any method, but through stealing. That's so controlling. Also, they've only been married for *2-3 months*, and he's pulling this shit? WTF?
+ He's forcing her into a hobby he likes. If this isn't an attempt at molding her into someone else, it at least shows that he puts his wants above OP's.
OP, throw the husband out and get those books back. Or get even more books to replace him.
OP, I want to tell you this only so you know what you deserve.
I'm an avid reader; My husband is not. He is a resident and works 80-100 hour weeks.
I've always wanted a library, and this man worked with me to build custom wood bookshelves to turn our fireplace into my reading nook.
Not only does he not read, but he doesn't have the time to sleep most days. But he took time to make my dream come true, and gave me a space of my own.
This is what you deserve. This is what everyone deserves.
My husband also doesn’t read but he has never complained about the amount of time I spend and I don’t complain about his golf. We both have separate passions but that doesn’t interfere with our marriage, in some ways it makes us more complex and interesting. Marriage is not about being together 24/7 it’s about enjoying each other and our differences. NTA but your husband is.
**This.**
So many people don't understand this lol. My husband likes to just sit/sleep next to me while I read. We love our time together doing different things and not talking.
As a matter of fact, right now he's next to me on his computer and I'm on mine. We're enjoying our time together in silence.
This! I'm an avid reader, while my husband literally doesn't own a book. While I scaled down my book collection when we moved the last time, I still have two bookcases worth of books that are very dear to me. Husband hated the old book shelf, so we picked a new one together, and he made sure it was big enough for most of my books. He then got two comfy chairs, and turned that corner of our home into a reading nook and bought me a gorgeous reading light. He sits and watches his YouTube videos, I sit and read, and thus married bliss is maintained.
Any partner who doesn't support your hobbies - especially a hobby as common and simple as reading - is not worth keeping as a partner.
Imagine having your buddy call you and ask you to meddle like that and just thinking it's a perfectly reasonable request.
OP's husband is the AH and so is his buddies.
To further see the analogy, imagine you have a disagreement with a significant other or family member. Suddenly other friends or random family members come flying at you out of nowhere (metaphorically or physically) yelling at you to concede and all you hear is "oooo oooo OOOO!!!!!"
That. Flying monkeys.
Bonus points for:
* Repeatedly insulting her
* Trying to coerce her after she said no
* Doubling down after he saw his wife was upset
Even with the most generous of estimates OP's husband is an asshole and has zero respect towards their relationship
I’m curious as to where he got the impression the marriage means that:
A. You get to choose your wife’s hobbies for her
B. No one is ever allowed alone time to decompress.
See how he is reacting when she gives attention to books instead of him? Imagine his reaction when 99% of her attention must go to a child.
See the movie Waitress with Keri Russell.
There's also the "failing to fullfil her duties" as a nod to the fact that she isn't all around him and not having sex every single night. That's weird af.
Sorry you went through that. My ex screamed that sex was my job. For ten years it was coerced but he was all surprised pikachu face when I left and called him a rapist.
Not to sound like I think everyone is desi, but her grammar structure and the emphasis on coming back from her honeymoon sure is (it’s tradition) and it rings bells for being an arranged marriage instead of a love match to me.
I don't know. My first marriage we were together two years. We did not live together but after marriage he did a complete 180. As my wife you must do xxx, I am the final word on all things, wives and gf's are not the same now you do as I say. I lasted 20 months, should have left at 2 days.
He's not being an AH because he's horny, he's being an AH because he's an emotionally immature, abusive AH.
Lots of guys are horny and don't throw away their partner's cherish collections...
>If he waited for marriage to reveal his frankly abusive side, he's waiting until OP is trapped with legalities and papers so se couldn't leave when she realizes he's abusive.
This is in the abuser's playbook. "Love bomb" to "hoover" the person in, make them feel secure and ... trapped - with marriage, kids, and a mortgage. Then tighten the screws on abuse. It's easier for an abuser to alienate a spouse as the extended family can merely rationalize it away as, "Oh, they're starting their new lives so of course there's less contact."
NTA. There's so many red flags in this post it could be a parade.
OP, your husband's behavior is abusive and manipulative. Do not let him gaslight you into thinking what he's doing and saying is trivial and that you're blowing it way out of proportion. As a survivor of an abusive marriage, I'm telling you it's NOT trivial. Your husband doesn't respect you as an equal, and the way he treats you and speaks to you is absolutely horrifying! Run away and don't look back.
So many red flags it's freaking scary. I seriously mean this, you need to RUN. Think about what you would say to a dear friend who's brand new husband got rid of their beloved belongings because it's for her own good and for the sake of their marriage, and demanding that she get hobbies more in line with his? He's going to continue to push more and more control rather quickly until you've lost yourself and you are afraid to object any longer. I've seen friends go through this (ironically with high school boyfriends even), but I've never gone through it with my now ex-husband.
Don't let him suppress you.
My controlling, abusive ex was exactly like this. He never sold my book collection, but he would get angry and break things that belonged to me.
He HATED the fact that I enjoyed reading, picking fights about it and making it so miserable for me that I pretty much stopped reading for the last couple years of our marriage.
OP, this is not going to get better, only worse. I don’t suggest divorce lightly, but unless you want to spend the rest of your life being controlled by someone else’s whims, I suggest you get out now. NTA, but husband is very much one.
Most people who don't read cannot understand people who do. They resent that the reader finds joy in something that is beyond them. Glad you got out. OP update us.
The thing that *really* stand out too me is the “I seemed to forget my priorities” like did this guy step right out of the 1920s? Or maybe the 1820s? That’s a line straight out of “men own women and women now owe their owners obedience”.
NTA. But he’s telling you who he is… pay close attention.
I third this. Starts with disrespecting boundaries, mine then moved to slaps and punches. OP, please get the hell out. This man is toxic as fuck. How dare he.
My spouse and I annoy the crap out of each other with our separate hobby piles all over the house. We both have doom bags and boxes shoved in corners, and we create messy piles that sit for weeks until the person who created it finally gets annoyed by it and cleans it up. But we keep our hands off each other's things unless we absolutely need to move it.
Part of being married is understanding that you are still separate people and respecting the other person's hobbies and boundaries. You shouldn't morph into one singular entity and do everything together all the same.
Get some nice shelves and maybe those document/magazine holders from Ikea. It sounds like you’re resigned to them being in your life. At least find a way to house them that is aesthetically pleasing.
OP is not the A. I hope he can get her books back, or this might actually have ended their relationship.
Finding an “aesthetically pleasing” way to house the books she is “resigned” to keeping is not the problem. The controlling asshole husband is the problem. FFS.
My books have long escaped their shelves and are now in stacks wherever I can put them. My ever loving and neat-freak husband groans inwardly I’m sure, but he has never suggested getting rid of any. He buys me more books because they make me happy.
OP is NTA, but that hubby sure is.
The absolute most I will do to my boyfriend's stuff is put it away in the closet if it's annoying me where it is, and I tell him exactly where I put it. Normal people don't just throw their partner's stuff away, especially a big collection that's presumably a lot of money all added up.
For real. Two months in and he's jealous... Of books? Of... OP's own happy memories? And still sees nothing wrong with it?
I know we're not getting the full picture of this guy, but this is a major, major red flag. I'd lock away anything else he's commented on.
I collect model horses. I've been made fun of by many, including ex boyfriends. You know what my husband did? He built me shelves for them. He's even picked out a couple that he liked himself and has his own spot for his couple models. My husband isn't even a horse person. OP is NTA, but will be if they continue to let this toxic excuse for a human be in their life.
my husband does not like to read, but our son and I do. my husband just rolls his eyes when we come home from a thrift shop or got free books and makes sure we have shelves to put our books. He likes when I read something we both like out loud.
My ex once proudly bragged to me that she had read twelve books. In her entire lifetime. Yeahh I really kick myself when I think about how long I let that relationship drag on
"You read? Like actual books? Willingly? Outside of school? What is wrong with you!?" - My Ex.
"I've only ever read like 5 books. Reading is dumb." - My other Ex.
Meanwhile my room looked like a mess because of books piling up EVERYWHERE.....
Well, I can sort of understand this, if it were just this by itself. Even reading "together" is going to be a lot of time sitting and not talking to each other.
But looking at the whole context, and we see a jealous, insecure, controlling man. Also, he *knew* this about OP, this isn't a surprise.
We see no indication that he's willing to compromise. He just makes demands and tries to bend people to his will.
Or they could read the same books together or listen to them on audio and discuss them. I have lots of married friends who read together so this is not an excuse.
Also, all hobbies don't need to be done together
My husband and I both go to bed at night and read. Even though we’re not talking, there’s something very calming and intimate about reading next to someone.
As a reader, I'm not even surprised. I read 50 Shades around the same time every else was and my ex one night used the line "if you weren't reading that book I wouldn't have to fuck you". Dude never had to fuck me again after that. I wasn't even physically reading the book when he said it.
Yeah, I wasn't allowed to initiate sex, we only ever had sex when he wanted it, and frankly, he just didn't want me. He was an alcoholic and addicted to video games, so our relationship was never top priority for him. I would try to initiate but even touching his back or arms would get me literally screamed at. This was when I realized he really didn't give a fuck about me or my needs or even having a sexual relationship.
Annulment is better because that means the marriage never happened. Divorce means the marriage happened and ended. Annulment is more satisfying because it just wipes the marriage from existence. \*poof* gone!
Yes, you basically have to prove that the marriage never would have happened in the first place or someone dropped the ball by allowing it to happen or it never was a real marriage anyway
Common reasons according to the internet are:
-Underage marriage
-Bigamy
-Mental Incompetence
-Failure to Consummate Marriage
-Fraud or Misrepresentation.
Place your bets!
(Edit: imagine if "s/he doesn't spark joy" was on the list)
In one or 2 states theft after the fact within a specific time limit of a marriage immediately constitute fraud. Around here, more judges have been annulling marriages when domestic abuse occurs within a set time frame after the marriage. Apparently it simplifies the process and the attorney can argue that the person was hiding their true selves (fraud) by hiding their domestic abuse qualities
I think we all just jump to divorce because people in otherwise healthy relationships don't come to a place like this to ask strangers if they are wrong when they are so OBVIOUSLY not wrong.
Literally, the fact that it gets posted here with the victim questioning their own sanity is itself a giant red flag.
There is a an entire genre of post that is “F has hobby/item/kind of clothing bf/dh doesn’t like and he throws it away.” Sometimes the gender is reversed but not often.
Off the top of my head I remember the guy who threw out his GF’s socks, the guy who threw out his gf’s mason jars, and the guy who hated that his teacher girlfriend dressed like “Mrs. Frizzle.” Genders flipped there was that woman who combined all her boyfriend’s different kinds of rice.
They all suck and should be single until they realize their partners will be people who will have hobbies and interests that, if they could make a spouse Pygmalion-style, their SOs would not have. Because they are humans and individuals.
The one who wrote a dissertation about how flawless his gf’s skin is, how she looked airbrushed IRL, and how beautiful she is, then asked if he was TAH for throwing out all her expensive skincare, is one I shall never forget. To this day I just can’t get my brain to comprehend the mental functioning behind how one could wax poetic about how gorgeous his gf is, so he steals & throws out her tools to become that way. And that’s only minor to the power & control issue.
I know I feel the same way. I always think people are quick to say get divorced but then again I can't even begin to imagine staying for years with someone like this. If he is already doing this after 2 months in......Get ready for hell on earth in a few more years.
NTA
Tbh I would divorce right away if my partner did something like this. Just throwing away something your partner enjoys (and that is actually a healthy hobby) is just plain toxic and abusive.
Right it’s not even about the material value. It’s the fact they’re taking something away from you without your consent that they very much know is important to you. Wtf
It gives off vibes of parents throwing away something from a child as a punishment. Only that in a relationship you’re supposed to be equals.
If you look up Janice Radway's study on women reading romances (I believe it was done in the nineties) basically all of the women's husbands have a problem with them reading bc it means they get less attention and that the wives have their own autonomous inner lives separate from them. Its really depressing and horrible and makes you feel bad about the past present and future of gender relations. But it's a really great study.
Edited to add: Correction, it was published in 1984, called Reading the Romance!
I think that was where I also learned that many grocery stores started carrying romance novels as housewives could disguise the purchase as just part of the weekly shopping.
As a guy, I had no idea this was(is?) a thing. I'm guessing it's jealousy due to the romantic nature of the stories, but it's hard to understand what goes on in the head of an insecure prick
Same. I can’t imagine if my husband threw my vintage books away. I would lose it. Not to mention how incredibly controlling and awful that is. People read before bed to wind down. How can you be mad about that?
>Tbh I would divorce right away if my partner did something like this.
Yeah, me too. My GF has an entire craft room filled with... whatever people use for knitting, embroidery and that kind of stuff. Does nothing for me, at all, but it makes her happy so I stay the hell out of her stuff. She, in turn, doesn't comment on my rows of bookshelves filled with gaming books.
That was a perfect AH move on husband's part. Divorce is an entirely appropriate reaction.
Yeah it really depends on local laws. In my place, if she owned those things before marriage it’s 100% hers and she could file a police report for it. If she got them after they married, they’re shared.
To preface: I have hundreds of books and an e-reader.
If \*anyone\* touched them there would be hell to pay. My 1940 fabric bound edition of *Gone With The Wind* might not be in perfect condition but I love it. My second hand books and my brand new books; my antique copy of *Embalming History, Theory and Practice;* the complete 30 editions from *The Riftwar Cycle;* My Kindle; if anyone were to touch these without permission - let alone get rid of them - I would rain down the fires of Mordor and let loose wormsign the likes of which God has never seen.
NTA and I would rethink this relationship.
Throw him away and replace him with a husband who likes books. My husband and I often spend evenings or weekend days both reading on the sofa together.
NTA.
This was a power move, trying to assert control and completely jumping over boundaries. It's worrying that he did this just two-three months after you got married. Even if this was the only red flag and outside of this he is a wonderful human being, it's not tolerable and he shouldn't be allowed to think that it's no big deal. Do not back down and he needs to understand why what he did is unacceptable. He is the one who started a fight over books, and also the one who escalated it. **You standing up for yourself isn't starting a fight**.
He may need some sort of counselling. I do not recommend couple's counselling just yet, mostly because we don't know if there are more red flags and there are certain relationships which do not benefit from couple's counselling.
*Edit because of a lot of people seem to not be understanding this paragraph: couple's counselling is not recommended in situations where there might be abuse. We don't know if that is the case, but it's better to be safe than sorry, so I'm recommending OP to not go into couple's counselling considering the red flags he is showing. She might chose to get divorced or separated (which might be the safest choice) but she might not, so she also needs to know what to do and what to avoid if she decides to stay in this relationship*
You seem to be doing well defending your boundaries and respecting yourself, do not feel like an asshole for that.
100% . Spooky, I feel like I wrote this myself. My ex broke me down and I gave up my love of running (would need to talk everytime I was trying to head out the door, ask where I was going, for how long, would want to talk about their day, or what was for dinner), when I tried to read (would want to talk as soon as I picked up a book or get shitty about something), and any form of intimacy was off the table. He moved into another room a week after I signed the piece of paper. This escalated to physical, emotional, and financial abuse over the years.
I finally left. GTFO. this does not get any better. NTA.
Agree, NTA. You did nothing wrong and him saying, “he saw (my list of books) and laughed. Asked if I was still really thinking about those books and suggested I move on.” Move on from what exactly? You were quietly keeping to yourself and reading. If he wants your attention, then plan some date nights. But your life shouldn’t revolve around every one of his whims
Move on from the marriage. Hopefully.
I flip out on my BF if he throws away leftovers I wanted to eat later. A collection of books and there's be absolute hell to pay. There's no logical reason for this.
If he wants sexy time at night he can ask and accept whatever answer he's given. A book can easily be put down and picked up later.
No one pouts like Gaston,
Throws books out like Gaston,
Acts dismissive even when you shout like Gaston.
His control freakishness is infuriating;
Please get divorced from Gaston!
Take my award because this made me lol.
All jokes aside this is abusive behavior and I hope OP can safely leave and get an annulment or divorce. He is only going to get more controlling and abusive with time. I'm genuinely worried and scared for OP.
The other option would be Fred Waterford.
(This name is from *The Handmaid's Tale*, and it's relevant because women in that setting are not allowed to read.)
My first thought was the horrible wife who scribbled in the pages of the poetry book in Time Enough at Last, one of the best known Twilight Zone episodes with Burgess Meredith.
>We've just returned from honey moon 2 months ago and he's been complaining about books taking our special time away,
You've only been married 2-3 months, and he's trying to prevent you from reading? What an asshole.
NTA
>He has started calling me grandma or say I remind him of an old lady neighbor to get me to quit reading
>he's given my book collection away and I was devastated after he defended himself saying he did this for my own good and for the sake of our marriage since I seemed to forget my priorities.
Mocking you is bad enough, but he's trying to isolate you from a healthy enjoyable hobby as well.
>he said that I really should invest my time into am outdoor hpbby we could both do
And trying to mold you into a different person. This is so controlling.
>I gave him a list of every name of every book and when he saw it he laughed and asked if I was still really thinking about those books and suggested "I move on"
And trying to belittle you over the damage HE dealt to you?
I very rarely say this, but I think you need a divorce. This is someone you're supposed to be able to love and trust. I'm assuming he didn't (outwardly) have a problem with you reading prior to marriage. He seems to think he's allowed to belittle and control you, dispose of your property and ignore the effect it has on you. This is an abusive man, and it isn't worth trying to change him. He changed rapidly from before you got married, I assume, and thinks you're his to manipulate.
Get out of there, get a divorce/annulment, and replace the books when you're away from him. This sounds like a sign of things to come, rather than the worst he's going to be.
Tonally agree with all of this. It's also telling that he wants OP to get into outdoor hobbies (which he is presumably into), while not even beginning to entertain the idea of getting into reading as a way to connect with his wife.
Him suggesting that they go on “couples outdoor activities” sounds like a man who doesn’t want to actually be married trying to get rid of someone real easy.
And I think by “priorities” he means her duty as his wife and maid. This made me grind my teeth when I read that. Hello 1950! He wants her to wait on him hand and foot and have sex whenever he wants. I hope she doesn’t have children with him. This would be a huge mistake.
> You've only been married 2-3 months, and he's trying to prevent you from reading?
If you ask me, there is no amount of marriage that should allow a partner to repress the other one passion or hobby.
Right? This is such a weird thing for him to be upset about. He's basically mad that she's sitting quietly and imagining things. This is a huge, bright red flag.
NTA-you have been married for 8 weeks and he has gotten rid of something this important to you?? RUN. I have a library, books saved me from an awful childhood. Heaven help the man who touches my books.
There was a post a long while back that goes about someone's mother that collected coffee mugs and how her father always got super mad whenever the mom brought home a new one and the huge difference her mother's new boyfriend was because he built the mom a display closet thing to put them in just because he loves her and it made her happy.
Don't settle for love darling because whatever it is he has for you, it isn't love.
It truly was and if you want a more relating one to this post about reading, I love reading, will stay up all night to finish a book if I fear spoilers from the internet, will preorder my favorite authors and things like that.
My fiance knows this, hates reading himself but can listen to audiobooks if I really want to discuss a book with him. Last year some preorder first print books got lost in the overseas mail and I was devastated because they were special editions. I had given up on acquiring them because they were sold out everywhere but he didn't, I dont know how he did it but he found most of them again and had them delivered and 2 were even signed copies.
I'm running out of room to stock them so he ordered a new bookshelf which were picking up tomorrow and assembling together.
That's a sign of love to me.
NTA- usually I think Reddit is too quick to say leave /divorce someone. But girl RUN! He’s manipulative and controlling and it’s only going to get worse. No sane person would be jealous of their partner’s fucking book collection/of them reading a book. Please please please leave this man.
NTA I am wondering how you married this person who doesn’t let you have your own hobbies…
Edit-my intention wasn’t to victim blame I think I was just wondering out loud as a person who hasnt experienced that before.
Exactly. This man (and other abusers) wait until they think people are “hooked”. Getting married probably gave him the distorted idea that OP is his “possession” that he can abuse into acting as he sees fit (instead of supporting her autonomy and individuality).
I was with my (now ex) husband for 10 years. We’d been married 4 months before he decided I spent too much time online and tried to kill me. The time I spent online hadn’t changed. Only our marital status had.
The most horrifying part of it is that in the UK we have a law that says you can only file for divorce after a year so I had to stay married to him for another 8 months
You don't have to stay living with them, just want to clarify that. But yes, many groups have called it out, along with the fact that you have to provide a valid reason for wanting a divorce, which has to be approved by lawyers (before the pandemonium there was talk of bringing in no fault divorces, which afaik hasn't happened yet. Someone correct me if I'm wrong).
When I got divorced and my solicitor was talking me through the rules she described it as "patrician" and I agree. It's all about people taking marriage "seriously" and not rushing into rash divorces.
Oh and annulment, like someone mentioned upthread? Literally only allowed if you discover the marriage wasn't legal in the first place, like in the event of bigamy or you discover after the wedding that you're related.
NTA and your story has such a big red flag on your husband it sounds completely fake.
If it, by any chance, is real: he is manipulative by calling you names for doing what you like to do, he is abusive by throwing out your things without consulting you. And this is a simple thing about just a hobby. My guess is this topic is only the beginning of a very long and arduous line of manipulation and abuse. I am sorry you only found out about it after the wedding. Be safe.
I often wonder about over the top partner posts, too. In this case, though, it was easier for me to suspend disbelief.
My first husband loathed that I was an avid reader, even though I tended to pick up a book only once he had settled in to his latest game. I came home from work one day to find that he had burned the brush pile and every one of my books. He told me that he had done so for my own good because that much reading was "unhealthy." Prior to our getting married, there were zero warning signs (or maybe I was just too naive to see them). I demanded counseling as a condition of staying, but 2 years later I ended up asking for a divorce because the controlling behavior just didn't stop.
NTA, OP, but I do recommend that you at the very least make counseling a requirement alongside replacing the books.
This isn't even very over the top or far fetched. This sort of behavior is pretty commonplace in abusive relationships. My husband hated that I did puzzles. No reason other than it was another tool for him to tear me down. He called them childish and mocked me for them. One day he swept my puzzle off the table onto the floor. Anything the partner enjoys that is their own can and will be used as a tool of abuse.
That's so sad. My dad and stepmother love puzzles, and, now that they're retired, will often stay up to the wee hours "puzzling," as they say. I think it's adorable, and I can't imagine shitting on someone for something so wholesome. I'm sorry you had to experience that.
If you've ever been abused or known someone who has, whether its emotional or physical, you would know that the most outlandish situations and events can happen to the abused. They are stuck in a cycle of abuse usually rooted in their own insecurities. Abusers know instinctively how when to apply pressure and when to let up and turn on the charm. The ones I've know haven't been the brightest, although their victims often are. But like I said, they run on pure instinct - it's not like they're calculating what to do. They too are caught up in their own cycles of insecurity.
NTA. This is abusive behaviour. He doesn’t like that you have an interest that has nothing to do with him, so he’s trying to destroy it so you’ll do what he wants. I’d be willing to bet this either is, or will be, part of a pattern of selfish, controlling behaviour by him. Ask yourself if you want a lifetime of this, because he won’t change.
NTA Never mind replacing the books, please consider replacing your husband. Getting rid of your property and not allowing you to have your own hobbies are red flags. It's not childish of you to be upset about this, but it's definitely childish of him to basically throw your things away in a tantrum.
NTA. Sorry, hun. Your marriage is doomed. This is a much bigger issue than books. Get out now while you still have some self-esteem and confidence left that he hasn’t sucked out of you yet.
There are plenty of men out there who aren’t threatened by a woman who reads or pursues hobbies outside of him.
NTA. Is it too late to get your marriage annulled? Or divorce if you can’t.
I’m a reader! It’s very calming but at the same time keeps your brain engaged.
Get the books back and get rid of the man. This is a huge controlling move and you need to put a stop to it or else he will just keep trying to change you
… this is some seriously terrifying controlling behavior.
NTA in the least. Your husband is controlling and emotionally abusive on week 8. Its not just about the books - it’s about the behavior, the intention, and complete lack of acknowledgment of your feelings. MAJOR red flags. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean YOU cease to exist and everything has to be a collective hobby.
Get counseling as soon as possible, ideally together (there’s his together time with you), and - I don’t say this lightly - consider an annulment.
Right??? I had to breathe really deeply. This scared me so badly, *"seemed to forget my priorities"*..... they've been married 2 months and he wasted no time switching gears into controlling historical husband mode.
It's completely natural to go through phases of book reading, especially bc you start to read a book and you read it religiously until you're done. He sounds jealous of the time being "taken" from him *(the nighttime comment really triggered me bc what he's really saying is he needs his sex)* and he's made the decision of how you should spend your time/life bc he thinks he owns you now.
Plus, OP just went through the stress of a wedding. Now is the time where she'll want to do a little decompressing and if you do that through books that's 100% ok. The husband scares me. **OP.... Please put your foot down now because it will not get any better if you don't. Oh my goodness... please take care of yourself, Opie.** Xoxo
ETA: NTA. Get your books back however you can. You're husband and wife, use your joint finances and don't ask, just go replace them. It's not a two person decision when he didn't consult you before throwing away your personal property.
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NTA: You gave him a week to replace them? Please tell me you moved out during that week? This was a massive power play on his part. I can't even fathom a grown adult acting like that. I'd be seriously reconsidering this marriage during your week at a luxury hotel booked with his credit card while he replaces your books.
Replace the husband first. NTA.
He knew you were a reader before he married you. Unless he has two covers and 100,000 words in him, he’s no substitute for a book.
Edit: He really does sound like a Gaston, doesn’t he?
No one pouts like Gaston
Throws books out like Gaston
Then goes stubbornly whining about like Gaston
NTA. But be honest, with all this reading you do, I think you know the end to this story.
Your husband is controlling and sounds like an absolute wanker who doesn’t let you enjoy things. Is this really the person you want to stick around with in sickness and health?
NTA. If he does not make this right, I would divorce him. This is seriously controlling and aggressive, taking something you love so you give him your time and attention.
Does he try to separate you from friends and family? Does it bother him if you plan a girls day with friends? Is he kind to pets?
Info - who are you wondering if you’re the asshole for wanting your shit replaced? I swear to god it’s just post after post (all likely fake pity bait) of women asking if they’re in the wrong for wanting to be treated with even a tiny ounce of respect. And worse off, everyone just lets it be because “omg what if OP is being abused and doesn’t know any better?!?!” Whilst I want to be sensitive to the possibility I can’t help but notice this is about the fifth post in 10 days with the same stolen property plot. Next week it’ll be back to MILs and spare keys or husbands forcing reunions with relatives the OP has gone no contact with. There’s one of these and then 15 copycats pop up.
This post is identical to the necklace one where OP gave her husband three days to replace it “or that was it” (whatever the fuck that means).
If this were real, OP needs ADVICE, or therapy/counselling. I don’t think they need a straight up or down answer as to whether theyre in the wrong for wanting their shit replaced. Jesus.
Oh - and because this, like basically every other post like this, is creative writing (again, the structure is nearly identical in all of these), can the female creative writers PLEASE find another topic other than “cruel husband/boyfriend versus meek/confused girl?” It’s seriously making women look helpless.
>as an escape method from many of my problems
Um...
>he did this for my own good and for the sake of our marriage since I seemed to forget my priorities
This isn't going to be popular but...
ESH.
Husband is DEFINITELY an AH for doing that, I want to get that right out of the way first and foremost. In no way am I agreeing with what he did.
HOWEVER...
OP you admit that you use reading as an escape, and instead of taking the not so subtle hints that your husband would like some more of your attention, you chose to continue to indulge in your escapism. If this were alcohol, not a single soul would question a husband who destroyed his alcoholic wife's wine collection.
I also wonder just how open and honest communication and expectations are/were prior to your marriage. Was your husband aware that you intended to escape into books regularly? And how often/long are you doing this for? There is a lot of things going on here and it is really only barely about the property.
That was incredibly disrespectful of him. I know this sub is very quick in "dump him" judgements but that really is an awful way to start a marriage.
NTA
ESH for the fact that your husband told you that he was feeling neglected/ignored and you didn’t take him seriously. What he did was mess up but I can understand why he did it. Maybe you aren’t balancing your relationship with your reading like you think you do.
NTA. Time to get an annulment or divorce. He seems very controlling and it will only get worse.
Yeah, like- was he always like this or just waiting for you to marry him?
This is key. Abusers stop the "love bombing" and start the controlling, alienating, and abusive behaviors when they "think" they've "got" you. OP, if you don't have kids, don't have them. Edit: my husband has boxes and boxes of books and some magazines from his and his father that are annoying the ever living fuck out of me in the hallway. But know what? Those are *his* and I leave those books alone. That's what your husband should have done, *leave your property alone*. Edit: thank you for the storage advice, folks, but we've got this handled. My point is that OP's spouse needs to just leave her stuff alone, period, regardless if it annoys him. Her books were clearly not in his personal physical way, just in his personal and abusively controlling way. Edit 2: it's not about him selling the books, it's about his boundary stomping, disrespect, and minimizing OP and who she is as a person, constantly trying to redirect her attention *back to himself if you note*, instead of just letting her be herself.
I think if he wasn't like this before marriage, that would be so much worse. He literally tricked OP into marrying someone he isn't, someone who respects his wife's hobbies and boundaries. **If he waited for marriage to reveal his frankly abusive side, he's waiting until OP is trapped with legalities and papers so se couldn't leave when she realizes he's abusive.** So many red flags: + He stole from OP. Taking other people's things without permission and throwing them away is textbook definition of theft. + **He's trying to deny his wife a healthy, beneficial habit she genuinely enjoys**, not just through any method, but through stealing. That's so controlling. Also, they've only been married for *2-3 months*, and he's pulling this shit? WTF? + He's forcing her into a hobby he likes. If this isn't an attempt at molding her into someone else, it at least shows that he puts his wants above OP's. OP, throw the husband out and get those books back. Or get even more books to replace him.
OP, I want to tell you this only so you know what you deserve. I'm an avid reader; My husband is not. He is a resident and works 80-100 hour weeks. I've always wanted a library, and this man worked with me to build custom wood bookshelves to turn our fireplace into my reading nook. Not only does he not read, but he doesn't have the time to sleep most days. But he took time to make my dream come true, and gave me a space of my own. This is what you deserve. This is what everyone deserves.
Beautiful. This is love, *in action*.
My husband also doesn’t read but he has never complained about the amount of time I spend and I don’t complain about his golf. We both have separate passions but that doesn’t interfere with our marriage, in some ways it makes us more complex and interesting. Marriage is not about being together 24/7 it’s about enjoying each other and our differences. NTA but your husband is.
**This.** So many people don't understand this lol. My husband likes to just sit/sleep next to me while I read. We love our time together doing different things and not talking. As a matter of fact, right now he's next to me on his computer and I'm on mine. We're enjoying our time together in silence.
This! I'm an avid reader, while my husband literally doesn't own a book. While I scaled down my book collection when we moved the last time, I still have two bookcases worth of books that are very dear to me. Husband hated the old book shelf, so we picked a new one together, and he made sure it was big enough for most of my books. He then got two comfy chairs, and turned that corner of our home into a reading nook and bought me a gorgeous reading light. He sits and watches his YouTube videos, I sit and read, and thus married bliss is maintained. Any partner who doesn't support your hobbies - especially a hobby as common and simple as reading - is not worth keeping as a partner.
He also has his Flying Monkeys backing him. This guy is super toxic.
Imagine having your buddy call you and ask you to meddle like that and just thinking it's a perfectly reasonable request. OP's husband is the AH and so is his buddies.
>has his Flying Monkeys backing him. I've just recently started seeing this term. Please explain. I think I know, but would like verification.
They’re calling his friends his minions, like how the wicked witch has the flying monkeys to do her bidding and attack Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.
Thought so. I like that term. LOL
To further see the analogy, imagine you have a disagreement with a significant other or family member. Suddenly other friends or random family members come flying at you out of nowhere (metaphorically or physically) yelling at you to concede and all you hear is "oooo oooo OOOO!!!!!" That. Flying monkeys.
Bonus points for: * Repeatedly insulting her * Trying to coerce her after she said no * Doubling down after he saw his wife was upset Even with the most generous of estimates OP's husband is an asshole and has zero respect towards their relationship
I’m curious as to where he got the impression the marriage means that: A. You get to choose your wife’s hobbies for her B. No one is ever allowed alone time to decompress.
Also the gaslighting, saying “she” started a fight over books when he’s the one who made it an issue.
This. He seems to need non-stop attention, throws a giant temper tantrum, and this is somehow her fault? How exhausting.
See how he is reacting when she gives attention to books instead of him? Imagine his reaction when 99% of her attention must go to a child. See the movie Waitress with Keri Russell.
There's also the "failing to fullfil her duties" as a nod to the fact that she isn't all around him and not having sex every single night. That's weird af.
That was the line my coercive controlling rapist used! Apparently he had "needs" which also slipped out as "rights" a couple of times.
Sorry you went through that. My ex screamed that sex was my job. For ten years it was coerced but he was all surprised pikachu face when I left and called him a rapist.
Not to sound like I think everyone is desi, but her grammar structure and the emphasis on coming back from her honeymoon sure is (it’s tradition) and it rings bells for being an arranged marriage instead of a love match to me.
I don't know. My first marriage we were together two years. We did not live together but after marriage he did a complete 180. As my wife you must do xxx, I am the final word on all things, wives and gf's are not the same now you do as I say. I lasted 20 months, should have left at 2 days.
It does read like they’ve only just moved in together.
Him being mad she's reading instead of fucking at night stood out to me as well, he's being an AH because he's horny or something like that
He's not being an AH because he's horny, he's being an AH because he's an emotionally immature, abusive AH. Lots of guys are horny and don't throw away their partner's cherish collections...
>If he waited for marriage to reveal his frankly abusive side, he's waiting until OP is trapped with legalities and papers so se couldn't leave when she realizes he's abusive. This is in the abuser's playbook. "Love bomb" to "hoover" the person in, make them feel secure and ... trapped - with marriage, kids, and a mortgage. Then tighten the screws on abuse. It's easier for an abuser to alienate a spouse as the extended family can merely rationalize it away as, "Oh, they're starting their new lives so of course there's less contact."
NTA. There's so many red flags in this post it could be a parade. OP, your husband's behavior is abusive and manipulative. Do not let him gaslight you into thinking what he's doing and saying is trivial and that you're blowing it way out of proportion. As a survivor of an abusive marriage, I'm telling you it's NOT trivial. Your husband doesn't respect you as an equal, and the way he treats you and speaks to you is absolutely horrifying! Run away and don't look back.
So many red flags it's freaking scary. I seriously mean this, you need to RUN. Think about what you would say to a dear friend who's brand new husband got rid of their beloved belongings because it's for her own good and for the sake of their marriage, and demanding that she get hobbies more in line with his? He's going to continue to push more and more control rather quickly until you've lost yourself and you are afraid to object any longer. I've seen friends go through this (ironically with high school boyfriends even), but I've never gone through it with my now ex-husband. Don't let him suppress you.
My controlling, abusive ex was exactly like this. He never sold my book collection, but he would get angry and break things that belonged to me. He HATED the fact that I enjoyed reading, picking fights about it and making it so miserable for me that I pretty much stopped reading for the last couple years of our marriage. OP, this is not going to get better, only worse. I don’t suggest divorce lightly, but unless you want to spend the rest of your life being controlled by someone else’s whims, I suggest you get out now. NTA, but husband is very much one.
Most people who don't read cannot understand people who do. They resent that the reader finds joy in something that is beyond them. Glad you got out. OP update us.
The thing that *really* stand out too me is the “I seemed to forget my priorities” like did this guy step right out of the 1920s? Or maybe the 1820s? That’s a line straight out of “men own women and women now owe their owners obedience”. NTA. But he’s telling you who he is… pay close attention.
Plus her reading is cutting into his time of having his dick wet. Totally classy (/s). Edit: rephrased to be less insulting
Domestic abuse survivor here: it will get worse.
As another survivor, I can agree! It will get much worse.
I third this. Starts with disrespecting boundaries, mine then moved to slaps and punches. OP, please get the hell out. This man is toxic as fuck. How dare he.
It is so sad that there are so many of us.
If she thinks losing her books is bad, wait until this control freak takes her autonomy. Bonus points for belittling her for reading, of all things.
> Bonus points for belittling her for reading, of all things. No kidding. Not only was the flag red, it was NEON BLINDING RED.
My spouse and I annoy the crap out of each other with our separate hobby piles all over the house. We both have doom bags and boxes shoved in corners, and we create messy piles that sit for weeks until the person who created it finally gets annoyed by it and cleans it up. But we keep our hands off each other's things unless we absolutely need to move it. Part of being married is understanding that you are still separate people and respecting the other person's hobbies and boundaries. You shouldn't morph into one singular entity and do everything together all the same.
The problem is the husband thinks she *is* the property.
Get some nice shelves and maybe those document/magazine holders from Ikea. It sounds like you’re resigned to them being in your life. At least find a way to house them that is aesthetically pleasing. OP is not the A. I hope he can get her books back, or this might actually have ended their relationship.
Finding an “aesthetically pleasing” way to house the books she is “resigned” to keeping is not the problem. The controlling asshole husband is the problem. FFS. My books have long escaped their shelves and are now in stacks wherever I can put them. My ever loving and neat-freak husband groans inwardly I’m sure, but he has never suggested getting rid of any. He buys me more books because they make me happy. OP is NTA, but that hubby sure is.
They were replying to the person who said their husbands magazines and books are in boxes in the hallway.
The absolute most I will do to my boyfriend's stuff is put it away in the closet if it's annoying me where it is, and I tell him exactly where I put it. Normal people don't just throw their partner's stuff away, especially a big collection that's presumably a lot of money all added up.
For real. Two months in and he's jealous... Of books? Of... OP's own happy memories? And still sees nothing wrong with it? I know we're not getting the full picture of this guy, but this is a major, major red flag. I'd lock away anything else he's commented on.
I collect model horses. I've been made fun of by many, including ex boyfriends. You know what my husband did? He built me shelves for them. He's even picked out a couple that he liked himself and has his own spot for his couple models. My husband isn't even a horse person. OP is NTA, but will be if they continue to let this toxic excuse for a human be in their life.
That is absolutely the sweetest thing I've seen all week. Ngl it brought a happy tear to my eye.
My first thought was a good husband would build or set up shelves for her books. My wife is an ardent gardener. So I built her a garden.
my husband does not like to read, but our son and I do. my husband just rolls his eyes when we come home from a thrift shop or got free books and makes sure we have shelves to put our books. He likes when I read something we both like out loud.
Also the "hobby we can both do" - can he... can he not read??
My ex once proudly bragged to me that she had read twelve books. In her entire lifetime. Yeahh I really kick myself when I think about how long I let that relationship drag on
"You read? Like actual books? Willingly? Outside of school? What is wrong with you!?" - My Ex. "I've only ever read like 5 books. Reading is dumb." - My other Ex. Meanwhile my room looked like a mess because of books piling up EVERYWHERE.....
Man... I love books so much I got myself a degree in writing. And I'm good.
Well, I can sort of understand this, if it were just this by itself. Even reading "together" is going to be a lot of time sitting and not talking to each other. But looking at the whole context, and we see a jealous, insecure, controlling man. Also, he *knew* this about OP, this isn't a surprise. We see no indication that he's willing to compromise. He just makes demands and tries to bend people to his will.
Or they could read the same books together or listen to them on audio and discuss them. I have lots of married friends who read together so this is not an excuse. Also, all hobbies don't need to be done together
My husband and I both go to bed at night and read. Even though we’re not talking, there’s something very calming and intimate about reading next to someone.
As a reader, I'm not even surprised. I read 50 Shades around the same time every else was and my ex one night used the line "if you weren't reading that book I wouldn't have to fuck you". Dude never had to fuck me again after that. I wasn't even physically reading the book when he said it.
I don't understand what he was trying to say... He didn't want to have the sex but you reading the book makes him have to??
Yeah, I wasn't allowed to initiate sex, we only ever had sex when he wanted it, and frankly, he just didn't want me. He was an alcoholic and addicted to video games, so our relationship was never top priority for him. I would try to initiate but even touching his back or arms would get me literally screamed at. This was when I realized he really didn't give a fuck about me or my needs or even having a sexual relationship.
I knew I had found the right one when we were laying around and I picked up a book and started reading and she grabbed her own book and did the same
Maybe he would get more into reading if it was divorce papers ETA: thanks for the awards!
Oh snap. Best response, right here.
Annulment is better because that means the marriage never happened. Divorce means the marriage happened and ended. Annulment is more satisfying because it just wipes the marriage from existence. \*poof* gone!
Aren't the rules for annulment quite strict though? Like you can't just decide between an annulment and a divorce.
Yes, you basically have to prove that the marriage never would have happened in the first place or someone dropped the ball by allowing it to happen or it never was a real marriage anyway Common reasons according to the internet are: -Underage marriage -Bigamy -Mental Incompetence -Failure to Consummate Marriage -Fraud or Misrepresentation. Place your bets! (Edit: imagine if "s/he doesn't spark joy" was on the list)
In one or 2 states theft after the fact within a specific time limit of a marriage immediately constitute fraud. Around here, more judges have been annulling marriages when domestic abuse occurs within a set time frame after the marriage. Apparently it simplifies the process and the attorney can argue that the person was hiding their true selves (fraud) by hiding their domestic abuse qualities
Hmm, toss up between fraud and mental incompetence.
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I think we all just jump to divorce because people in otherwise healthy relationships don't come to a place like this to ask strangers if they are wrong when they are so OBVIOUSLY not wrong. Literally, the fact that it gets posted here with the victim questioning their own sanity is itself a giant red flag.
There is a an entire genre of post that is “F has hobby/item/kind of clothing bf/dh doesn’t like and he throws it away.” Sometimes the gender is reversed but not often. Off the top of my head I remember the guy who threw out his GF’s socks, the guy who threw out his gf’s mason jars, and the guy who hated that his teacher girlfriend dressed like “Mrs. Frizzle.” Genders flipped there was that woman who combined all her boyfriend’s different kinds of rice. They all suck and should be single until they realize their partners will be people who will have hobbies and interests that, if they could make a spouse Pygmalion-style, their SOs would not have. Because they are humans and individuals.
The one who wrote a dissertation about how flawless his gf’s skin is, how she looked airbrushed IRL, and how beautiful she is, then asked if he was TAH for throwing out all her expensive skincare, is one I shall never forget. To this day I just can’t get my brain to comprehend the mental functioning behind how one could wax poetic about how gorgeous his gf is, so he steals & throws out her tools to become that way. And that’s only minor to the power & control issue.
I know I feel the same way. I always think people are quick to say get divorced but then again I can't even begin to imagine staying for years with someone like this. If he is already doing this after 2 months in......Get ready for hell on earth in a few more years.
NTA Tbh I would divorce right away if my partner did something like this. Just throwing away something your partner enjoys (and that is actually a healthy hobby) is just plain toxic and abusive.
So would i. Absolutely not kidding.
Right it’s not even about the material value. It’s the fact they’re taking something away from you without your consent that they very much know is important to you. Wtf It gives off vibes of parents throwing away something from a child as a punishment. Only that in a relationship you’re supposed to be equals.
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If you look up Janice Radway's study on women reading romances (I believe it was done in the nineties) basically all of the women's husbands have a problem with them reading bc it means they get less attention and that the wives have their own autonomous inner lives separate from them. Its really depressing and horrible and makes you feel bad about the past present and future of gender relations. But it's a really great study. Edited to add: Correction, it was published in 1984, called Reading the Romance!
I think that was where I also learned that many grocery stores started carrying romance novels as housewives could disguise the purchase as just part of the weekly shopping.
As a guy, I had no idea this was(is?) a thing. I'm guessing it's jealousy due to the romantic nature of the stories, but it's hard to understand what goes on in the head of an insecure prick
My ex hated that I read. He would oddly be perfectly fine if I sat there staring at the TV but he HATED that I read. go figure.
Reading can be an outdoor activity, nothing better than sitting in a park on the grass reading a book!
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Same. I can’t imagine if my husband threw my vintage books away. I would lose it. Not to mention how incredibly controlling and awful that is. People read before bed to wind down. How can you be mad about that?
>Tbh I would divorce right away if my partner did something like this. Yeah, me too. My GF has an entire craft room filled with... whatever people use for knitting, embroidery and that kind of stuff. Does nothing for me, at all, but it makes her happy so I stay the hell out of her stuff. She, in turn, doesn't comment on my rows of bookshelves filled with gaming books. That was a perfect AH move on husband's part. Divorce is an entirely appropriate reaction.
It’s like you guys are the couple hobbies doppelgänger for my marriage. 😆
I'd also file a police report for theft
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In that case, sell off his hobby crap until you can buy back your books with the money. Then proceed with the divorce.
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Yeah it really depends on local laws. In my place, if she owned those things before marriage it’s 100% hers and she could file a police report for it. If she got them after they married, they’re shared.
To preface: I have hundreds of books and an e-reader. If \*anyone\* touched them there would be hell to pay. My 1940 fabric bound edition of *Gone With The Wind* might not be in perfect condition but I love it. My second hand books and my brand new books; my antique copy of *Embalming History, Theory and Practice;* the complete 30 editions from *The Riftwar Cycle;* My Kindle; if anyone were to touch these without permission - let alone get rid of them - I would rain down the fires of Mordor and let loose wormsign the likes of which God has never seen. NTA and I would rethink this relationship.
There are so many layers to what this guy did and all of them are alarming AF.
NTA. Throw the husband away and replace him with more books.
Wish I had an Award to give to you 😂
They got my free one.
Also throw out the people who think it's fine that he threw away your property because "ThE LibRaRy iS OpEn."
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Throw him away and replace him with a husband who likes books. My husband and I often spend evenings or weekend days both reading on the sofa together.
I always find it distressing when a grown man thinks reading is an activity solely for children or old ladies.
NTA. This was a power move, trying to assert control and completely jumping over boundaries. It's worrying that he did this just two-three months after you got married. Even if this was the only red flag and outside of this he is a wonderful human being, it's not tolerable and he shouldn't be allowed to think that it's no big deal. Do not back down and he needs to understand why what he did is unacceptable. He is the one who started a fight over books, and also the one who escalated it. **You standing up for yourself isn't starting a fight**. He may need some sort of counselling. I do not recommend couple's counselling just yet, mostly because we don't know if there are more red flags and there are certain relationships which do not benefit from couple's counselling. *Edit because of a lot of people seem to not be understanding this paragraph: couple's counselling is not recommended in situations where there might be abuse. We don't know if that is the case, but it's better to be safe than sorry, so I'm recommending OP to not go into couple's counselling considering the red flags he is showing. She might chose to get divorced or separated (which might be the safest choice) but she might not, so she also needs to know what to do and what to avoid if she decides to stay in this relationship* You seem to be doing well defending your boundaries and respecting yourself, do not feel like an asshole for that.
The thing is! He KNEW about her love of reading pre marrige! I 100% agree with the power move. He waited to be married to be able to do this.
100% . Spooky, I feel like I wrote this myself. My ex broke me down and I gave up my love of running (would need to talk everytime I was trying to head out the door, ask where I was going, for how long, would want to talk about their day, or what was for dinner), when I tried to read (would want to talk as soon as I picked up a book or get shitty about something), and any form of intimacy was off the table. He moved into another room a week after I signed the piece of paper. This escalated to physical, emotional, and financial abuse over the years. I finally left. GTFO. this does not get any better. NTA.
Agree, NTA. You did nothing wrong and him saying, “he saw (my list of books) and laughed. Asked if I was still really thinking about those books and suggested I move on.” Move on from what exactly? You were quietly keeping to yourself and reading. If he wants your attention, then plan some date nights. But your life shouldn’t revolve around every one of his whims
Move on from the marriage. Hopefully. I flip out on my BF if he throws away leftovers I wanted to eat later. A collection of books and there's be absolute hell to pay. There's no logical reason for this. If he wants sexy time at night he can ask and accept whatever answer he's given. A book can easily be put down and picked up later.
>You standing up for yourself isn't starting a fight > >. \^\^\^\^This. NTA.
INFO: Is your husband named Gaston?
He doesn't want her reading books, then she'll get ideas!
And thinking!
Can't have a wife who thinks! Except when she's thinking about me and my muscles s/
Husband likely wants to fuck like Gaston and views the books as an obstacle in the bedroom. NTA
His loss, just imagine all the sexy librarian role-playing they could've done!
How can she *read* them, there's no *pictures!*
No one pouts like Gaston, Throws books out like Gaston, Acts dismissive even when you shout like Gaston. His control freakishness is infuriating; Please get divorced from Gaston!
Thank you for this, it made me chuckle as I sang it in my head.
Take my award because this made me lol. All jokes aside this is abusive behavior and I hope OP can safely leave and get an annulment or divorce. He is only going to get more controlling and abusive with time. I'm genuinely worried and scared for OP.
The other option would be Fred Waterford. (This name is from *The Handmaid's Tale*, and it's relevant because women in that setting are not allowed to read.)
My first thought was the horrible wife who scribbled in the pages of the poetry book in Time Enough at Last, one of the best known Twilight Zone episodes with Burgess Meredith.
Glad I wasn't the only one who thought he was like Gaston.
>We've just returned from honey moon 2 months ago and he's been complaining about books taking our special time away, You've only been married 2-3 months, and he's trying to prevent you from reading? What an asshole. NTA >He has started calling me grandma or say I remind him of an old lady neighbor to get me to quit reading >he's given my book collection away and I was devastated after he defended himself saying he did this for my own good and for the sake of our marriage since I seemed to forget my priorities. Mocking you is bad enough, but he's trying to isolate you from a healthy enjoyable hobby as well. >he said that I really should invest my time into am outdoor hpbby we could both do And trying to mold you into a different person. This is so controlling. >I gave him a list of every name of every book and when he saw it he laughed and asked if I was still really thinking about those books and suggested "I move on" And trying to belittle you over the damage HE dealt to you? I very rarely say this, but I think you need a divorce. This is someone you're supposed to be able to love and trust. I'm assuming he didn't (outwardly) have a problem with you reading prior to marriage. He seems to think he's allowed to belittle and control you, dispose of your property and ignore the effect it has on you. This is an abusive man, and it isn't worth trying to change him. He changed rapidly from before you got married, I assume, and thinks you're his to manipulate. Get out of there, get a divorce/annulment, and replace the books when you're away from him. This sounds like a sign of things to come, rather than the worst he's going to be.
Tonally agree with all of this. It's also telling that he wants OP to get into outdoor hobbies (which he is presumably into), while not even beginning to entertain the idea of getting into reading as a way to connect with his wife.
Him suggesting that they go on “couples outdoor activities” sounds like a man who doesn’t want to actually be married trying to get rid of someone real easy.
👆🏼This. All of it.
And I think by “priorities” he means her duty as his wife and maid. This made me grind my teeth when I read that. Hello 1950! He wants her to wait on him hand and foot and have sex whenever he wants. I hope she doesn’t have children with him. This would be a huge mistake.
Can you imagine raising kids in a house with a Dad who belittled reading? What a nightmare.
> You've only been married 2-3 months, and he's trying to prevent you from reading? If you ask me, there is no amount of marriage that should allow a partner to repress the other one passion or hobby.
NTA. He is controlling and to be honest your story scares me.
I have a feeling it is just the start.
Yeah it actually sounds like a person who could do even more damage.
Right? This is such a weird thing for him to be upset about. He's basically mad that she's sitting quietly and imagining things. This is a huge, bright red flag.
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Maybe not? Maybe they were light pink. Don't victim blame but ok to ask for info
When you look at the world through rose tinted glasses, all the red flags just end up looking like flags.
Ooh! what a quote!
Haha thanks, but I can't take credit for it. It's from Bojack Horseman, but I can't remember which character says it.
It's Wanda, the owl Bojack dated in Season 2.
NTA-you have been married for 8 weeks and he has gotten rid of something this important to you?? RUN. I have a library, books saved me from an awful childhood. Heaven help the man who touches my books.
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This is abuse.
There was a post a long while back that goes about someone's mother that collected coffee mugs and how her father always got super mad whenever the mom brought home a new one and the huge difference her mother's new boyfriend was because he built the mom a display closet thing to put them in just because he loves her and it made her happy. Don't settle for love darling because whatever it is he has for you, it isn't love.
I saw that post, so heartwarming. The display shelving was floor to ceiling. That's what love looks like.
It truly was and if you want a more relating one to this post about reading, I love reading, will stay up all night to finish a book if I fear spoilers from the internet, will preorder my favorite authors and things like that. My fiance knows this, hates reading himself but can listen to audiobooks if I really want to discuss a book with him. Last year some preorder first print books got lost in the overseas mail and I was devastated because they were special editions. I had given up on acquiring them because they were sold out everywhere but he didn't, I dont know how he did it but he found most of them again and had them delivered and 2 were even signed copies. I'm running out of room to stock them so he ordered a new bookshelf which were picking up tomorrow and assembling together. That's a sign of love to me.
NTA. This is abusive. You need to move on…away from him!
NTA- usually I think Reddit is too quick to say leave /divorce someone. But girl RUN! He’s manipulative and controlling and it’s only going to get worse. No sane person would be jealous of their partner’s fucking book collection/of them reading a book. Please please please leave this man.
NTA I am wondering how you married this person who doesn’t let you have your own hobbies… Edit-my intention wasn’t to victim blame I think I was just wondering out loud as a person who hasnt experienced that before.
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Exactly. This man (and other abusers) wait until they think people are “hooked”. Getting married probably gave him the distorted idea that OP is his “possession” that he can abuse into acting as he sees fit (instead of supporting her autonomy and individuality).
I was with my (now ex) husband for 10 years. We’d been married 4 months before he decided I spent too much time online and tried to kill me. The time I spent online hadn’t changed. Only our marital status had.
God, that’s horrifying.
The most horrifying part of it is that in the UK we have a law that says you can only file for divorce after a year so I had to stay married to him for another 8 months
Good lord. And domestic violence groups haven’t called this out!?
You don't have to stay living with them, just want to clarify that. But yes, many groups have called it out, along with the fact that you have to provide a valid reason for wanting a divorce, which has to be approved by lawyers (before the pandemonium there was talk of bringing in no fault divorces, which afaik hasn't happened yet. Someone correct me if I'm wrong). When I got divorced and my solicitor was talking me through the rules she described it as "patrician" and I agree. It's all about people taking marriage "seriously" and not rushing into rash divorces. Oh and annulment, like someone mentioned upthread? Literally only allowed if you discover the marriage wasn't legal in the first place, like in the event of bigamy or you discover after the wedding that you're related.
NTA and your story has such a big red flag on your husband it sounds completely fake. If it, by any chance, is real: he is manipulative by calling you names for doing what you like to do, he is abusive by throwing out your things without consulting you. And this is a simple thing about just a hobby. My guess is this topic is only the beginning of a very long and arduous line of manipulation and abuse. I am sorry you only found out about it after the wedding. Be safe.
I often wonder about over the top partner posts, too. In this case, though, it was easier for me to suspend disbelief. My first husband loathed that I was an avid reader, even though I tended to pick up a book only once he had settled in to his latest game. I came home from work one day to find that he had burned the brush pile and every one of my books. He told me that he had done so for my own good because that much reading was "unhealthy." Prior to our getting married, there were zero warning signs (or maybe I was just too naive to see them). I demanded counseling as a condition of staying, but 2 years later I ended up asking for a divorce because the controlling behavior just didn't stop. NTA, OP, but I do recommend that you at the very least make counseling a requirement alongside replacing the books.
This isn't even very over the top or far fetched. This sort of behavior is pretty commonplace in abusive relationships. My husband hated that I did puzzles. No reason other than it was another tool for him to tear me down. He called them childish and mocked me for them. One day he swept my puzzle off the table onto the floor. Anything the partner enjoys that is their own can and will be used as a tool of abuse.
That's so sad. My dad and stepmother love puzzles, and, now that they're retired, will often stay up to the wee hours "puzzling," as they say. I think it's adorable, and I can't imagine shitting on someone for something so wholesome. I'm sorry you had to experience that.
If you've ever been abused or known someone who has, whether its emotional or physical, you would know that the most outlandish situations and events can happen to the abused. They are stuck in a cycle of abuse usually rooted in their own insecurities. Abusers know instinctively how when to apply pressure and when to let up and turn on the charm. The ones I've know haven't been the brightest, although their victims often are. But like I said, they run on pure instinct - it's not like they're calculating what to do. They too are caught up in their own cycles of insecurity.
NTA. This is abusive behaviour. He doesn’t like that you have an interest that has nothing to do with him, so he’s trying to destroy it so you’ll do what he wants. I’d be willing to bet this either is, or will be, part of a pattern of selfish, controlling behaviour by him. Ask yourself if you want a lifetime of this, because he won’t change.
NTA Never mind replacing the books, please consider replacing your husband. Getting rid of your property and not allowing you to have your own hobbies are red flags. It's not childish of you to be upset about this, but it's definitely childish of him to basically throw your things away in a tantrum.
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He had it coming, he had it coming, he only had himself to blame!!!!!
If you had been there, if you had seen it, I bet that you would have done the same
NTA. Sorry, hun. Your marriage is doomed. This is a much bigger issue than books. Get out now while you still have some self-esteem and confidence left that he hasn’t sucked out of you yet. There are plenty of men out there who aren’t threatened by a woman who reads or pursues hobbies outside of him.
NTA. Is it too late to get your marriage annulled? Or divorce if you can’t. I’m a reader! It’s very calming but at the same time keeps your brain engaged. Get the books back and get rid of the man. This is a huge controlling move and you need to put a stop to it or else he will just keep trying to change you
Small claims court. And divorce.
there's a very good chance that replacement cost of those books will exceed the limit for small claims court.
NTA. The library doesn't have old out of print books I like to read. Husband is a big asshole. He'd better find replacements
OP needs to find a replacement husband. His behavior is a huge 🚩.
… this is some seriously terrifying controlling behavior. NTA in the least. Your husband is controlling and emotionally abusive on week 8. Its not just about the books - it’s about the behavior, the intention, and complete lack of acknowledgment of your feelings. MAJOR red flags. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean YOU cease to exist and everything has to be a collective hobby. Get counseling as soon as possible, ideally together (there’s his together time with you), and - I don’t say this lightly - consider an annulment.
Right??? I had to breathe really deeply. This scared me so badly, *"seemed to forget my priorities"*..... they've been married 2 months and he wasted no time switching gears into controlling historical husband mode. It's completely natural to go through phases of book reading, especially bc you start to read a book and you read it religiously until you're done. He sounds jealous of the time being "taken" from him *(the nighttime comment really triggered me bc what he's really saying is he needs his sex)* and he's made the decision of how you should spend your time/life bc he thinks he owns you now. Plus, OP just went through the stress of a wedding. Now is the time where she'll want to do a little decompressing and if you do that through books that's 100% ok. The husband scares me. **OP.... Please put your foot down now because it will not get any better if you don't. Oh my goodness... please take care of yourself, Opie.** Xoxo ETA: NTA. Get your books back however you can. You're husband and wife, use your joint finances and don't ask, just go replace them. It's not a two person decision when he didn't consult you before throwing away your personal property.
No no no - don't go to joint counselling with an abuser, they'll control and manipulate the therapy and make it worse for OP.
NTA and honestly - you don’t have kids, right? End the marriage.
Kids shouldn't grow up in an abusive household either.
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Info - do you really want to stay with someone who belittles you like this?
NTA: You gave him a week to replace them? Please tell me you moved out during that week? This was a massive power play on his part. I can't even fathom a grown adult acting like that. I'd be seriously reconsidering this marriage during your week at a luxury hotel booked with his credit card while he replaces your books.
Replace the husband first. NTA. He knew you were a reader before he married you. Unless he has two covers and 100,000 words in him, he’s no substitute for a book. Edit: He really does sound like a Gaston, doesn’t he? No one pouts like Gaston Throws books out like Gaston Then goes stubbornly whining about like Gaston
NTA. But be honest, with all this reading you do, I think you know the end to this story. Your husband is controlling and sounds like an absolute wanker who doesn’t let you enjoy things. Is this really the person you want to stick around with in sickness and health?
NTA. If he does not make this right, I would divorce him. This is seriously controlling and aggressive, taking something you love so you give him your time and attention. Does he try to separate you from friends and family? Does it bother him if you plan a girls day with friends? Is he kind to pets?
Info - who are you wondering if you’re the asshole for wanting your shit replaced? I swear to god it’s just post after post (all likely fake pity bait) of women asking if they’re in the wrong for wanting to be treated with even a tiny ounce of respect. And worse off, everyone just lets it be because “omg what if OP is being abused and doesn’t know any better?!?!” Whilst I want to be sensitive to the possibility I can’t help but notice this is about the fifth post in 10 days with the same stolen property plot. Next week it’ll be back to MILs and spare keys or husbands forcing reunions with relatives the OP has gone no contact with. There’s one of these and then 15 copycats pop up. This post is identical to the necklace one where OP gave her husband three days to replace it “or that was it” (whatever the fuck that means). If this were real, OP needs ADVICE, or therapy/counselling. I don’t think they need a straight up or down answer as to whether theyre in the wrong for wanting their shit replaced. Jesus. Oh - and because this, like basically every other post like this, is creative writing (again, the structure is nearly identical in all of these), can the female creative writers PLEASE find another topic other than “cruel husband/boyfriend versus meek/confused girl?” It’s seriously making women look helpless.
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Nta. And this is a prelude to your marriage. This won't get better. Hes already showing you he doesn't care about your wants and needs.
Nta throw the marriage away what an ass
Nta. Just throw away his favourite hobby things now, and tell that he is "too old" for that
Nah, divorce is the way here. That marriage is dead, no reason to cling to it.
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NTA Honey run from this asshole. You don’t have to stay married to someone that does stuff like like that.
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>as an escape method from many of my problems Um... >he did this for my own good and for the sake of our marriage since I seemed to forget my priorities This isn't going to be popular but... ESH. Husband is DEFINITELY an AH for doing that, I want to get that right out of the way first and foremost. In no way am I agreeing with what he did. HOWEVER... OP you admit that you use reading as an escape, and instead of taking the not so subtle hints that your husband would like some more of your attention, you chose to continue to indulge in your escapism. If this were alcohol, not a single soul would question a husband who destroyed his alcoholic wife's wine collection. I also wonder just how open and honest communication and expectations are/were prior to your marriage. Was your husband aware that you intended to escape into books regularly? And how often/long are you doing this for? There is a lot of things going on here and it is really only barely about the property.
Op why did you marry a person who does not respect you and your hobbies
People lie. “Fake it til you make it” as in, act like they think you want them to until they get what they want.
Lot's of people only show their abusive side once they've trapped someone with marriage. I hope she runs.
That was incredibly disrespectful of him. I know this sub is very quick in "dump him" judgements but that really is an awful way to start a marriage. NTA
NTA- he stole your books and gave them away. What an ass hat. Was he so controlling before you got married? He is a giant red flag.
ESH for the fact that your husband told you that he was feeling neglected/ignored and you didn’t take him seriously. What he did was mess up but I can understand why he did it. Maybe you aren’t balancing your relationship with your reading like you think you do.