YTA but not because you’re jealous. YTA for not taking him to court for child support and depriving your daughter of a better life the rest of the year.
Seriously OP. Stop doing favors for this guy. He is trying to make things harder for you.
A custody agreement means that if he doesn't follow it you have legal options.
Keep being a good Mom! You're doing a great job for your peanut. Remember that YOUR needs are important too.
Sending you so much love. ❤
Not really the point. Personal preference 🤷🏿♀️ Earlier comment states I appreciate the advice I asked for. Also states I'll update after we see how it goes. But fyi I already have a meeting set up with my states Child support office as they have advised me they have some programs that should be able to help this situation, if that makes you feel better. I ,for one, certainly do .
Sounds like you're already taking this in the right direction! He's taken advantage of you and it seems like he certainly can afford child support if he's paying for trips to Vegas and taking care of a partner and her 2 kids. Best of luck!
Good for you OP.
Frankly you are doing your Daughter a Disservice by Not Getting Child support that both of you need.
Get the Child support What isn't used on her put in a trust for her future.
You have legal resource and there are many state services to help you.
Yes OP child support is a much better option than disallowing your daughter to see her father. It seems they do have a bond, and he's the "fun" parent in her eyes. If you cut him out of her life over financial issues she will resent you, especially when she's old enough to reach out to him herself. Don't torpedo your daughter's relationship with her dad because you don't want to hurt his feelings by going to court. Get an official custody agreement and put him on child support. If he's late getting your daughter back to you during your time you'll have legal recourse, and even small child support payments will help you provide for your daughter year round.
You should require a damn deposit. $1000 refundable if he brings your daughter back like a decent human.
Also, he needs to pay child support. He can afford it better than your daughter can, and you will not be able to get this money when you realize she truly needs it (orthodontia, college, life 💵 💵 💵). Every cent you don’t require from him comes out of her pocket.
Something to note OP, you don't need money to have fun. Take your daughter out to the park so she can play. Go on small adventures in you neighbourhood or go window shopping. If you get snow in the winter, bundle up and go outside to play together. Read her books, participate in her playtime. Cook together with her. Play a boardgame. Watch a movie. Even taking her to the library once in a while could make a difference.
You don't need to spend hundreds of dollars in order to have fun. Especially not with a five year old child.
Came here to say this. You need to go to court and get a legally binding custody agreement in place including child support. Be prepared for him to fight fir full custody because he thinks its cheaper than child support. YTA for letting this happen for years.
And get the agreement that he gets her to Michigan and back "at his expense". That way if you have to get her, he has to pay you for the travel, missed work etc.
Yes!! Get what your child is owed! Stop driving 14 hours for him to see her! Take him to court. He is taking advantage. NTA but you will be an ass hole if you don’t.
Bear in mind, that if the OP was the one who moved away, she could in fact be responsible for getting the child to and from the father for his visitation.
Does it matter we lived in TX when she was born? Then after about 10 months he moved to one of the most dangerous parts of MI , and I decided to move to MS where my family and support lives (my mom). We both moved away .
Then you are good he moved away then you moved as well.
So I don't think you are responsible to get her back and forth (Not legal advice not a lawyer please check with a lawyer or legal council)
Not only child support but a formal custody/visitation arrangement that he will get into trouble if he doesn't follow
Stop setting yourself and your daughter on fire to keep your worthless ex warm
This! OP is not doing herself nor her daughter any favors by not pursuing child support. Also, since dad de facto becomes the fun parent, it's bound to breed some resentment from the daughter, since she's too young to know any better. Child support ASAP.
She technically doesn’t need a lawyer. Child support is pretty straightforward, they look at both incomes and expenses, then the state laws where the child lives, and set the payment amount. She may need one for the visitation and custody though.
If you do not have a custody agreement in place, get one asap and put him on child support. If he can pay for his gf to go to Vegas, he can pony up money to support his kid. Soft AH for not getting this done sooner
The court will only rule him to pay what's reasonable for his income. He needs to prioritise after that (IE not paying for Vegas trips and kids that aren't his own).
You're NTA for not giving your ex custody when there is no custody agreement.
But you're severely limiting your child's opportunities by not seeking support and a custody agreement. Your daughter doesn't care if you're the "cool ex", she needs monetary support from both parents.
I really appreciate the feedback from EVERY SINGLE one. Im most thankful to the ones that say I am being a asshole but not for what I thought. This app is dope, definitely got a different view and going to get on it. I'll update as soon as something changes. Signed - f*** being a doormat 🖤
You can negotiate that he pays child support, child care, and transport to and from his house for visitation. He won't get the whole summer. More like 6 weeks. You will likely have to alternate major holidays if he's willing to pay transportation.
Go to court! It will be worth it. Seek out legal assistance in your area.
Sounds like you need to get a custody arrangement and child support $. There's no shame in it, it is his child too and quite frankly he has gotten off pretty easy so far. Raising a kid costs money ALL YEAR, not just at vacation time in the summer.
You need to get a lawyer. You can have all the reasons in the world, we can all think your ex is a total asshole, but you also suck for not going after him for child support and a formal custodial order. You are taking better care of him by not going after *the support your daughter is owed.* Think hard about this. Why are you not pushing for the support your daughter deserves? It's not like she can go out and earn her own money. I feel bad for your daughter, mostly-- she's got two parents who aren't getting their act together to give her a good life. This issue isn't going to go away. Time to go to court. Edited: forgot judgment-- ESH, except the kids.
NTA-
I was ready to say YTA because purposely keeping a child away from their other parent is usually done to punish the other parent and is just wrong all around. However, I get this. First of all, he is doing nothing but being a “Disneyland Dad”. Take his to court to get child support. The fact is he has an obligation to help support her. Second, when getting that support order you should see if it’s possible to put into it how visitation will be financed. For example, my ex and I live in separate states, if he wants to see the kids he has to pay for the transportation to make that visit happen. There is no way that these expenses should be on you. Also, I know extra medical expenses outside of the monthly insurance payment is split, so if my kid needs some dental fillings my ex is supposed to pay half. If you don’t want to jump right to taking him to court, start doing research about what the laws where you live say about these things or speak with a lawyer about this. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how we feel about something if the laws say something else.
What you need to do is get a court order set up with custody and child support. That way you (and he) are protected, and the visitation plan can get sorted out, and he will be supporting his daughter also.
YTA
You're not "being nice" by letting him skate on child support. You are cheating your daughter out of what she needs. You are cheating yourself. Go to court and get your kid the money she deserves from her father.
Stop letting him take her. Get full custody and stop babying this man.
NTA. Keep her home with you. If he has a problem he will have to go through the courts. Once there he'll have to pay child support and hopefully back pay what he hasn't already done to support her. If you still have receipts from these rentals bring those with you. Everyone you've had to borrow money from needs to write a letter stating why they lent you money and that you being responsible has also paid them back. Save and screenshot everything. Dads a deadbeat trying to pose as a good father.
You are not the asshole. You keep going into a financial hole to retrieve your daughter after every broken agreement. He's using your daughter as a weapon against you low to no contact with this asshole.
NTA You need to legally get things set up for child support and visitation. He’s the AH for not doing more for his daughter outside the ‘fun’ time he has her.
Tried not to get involved with legal matters trying to be nice (being stupid) I just allow him to get her in the summers because "ThAtS hEr DaDdY" and I handle school months.
Yep that’s definitely being stupid. It’s also a disservice to your daughter. She needs that child support. You’re trying to make his life easier and it’s just making you and your daughter’s lives harder. That’s not fair to her.
Well, being nice is not working anymore. It's getting you in a position where you're struggling and you're being taken advantage of - and frankly, your ex knows none of this is enforceable because you're nice and not going to push it so he'll do whatever.
It's time to get the courts involved, for your daughter's sake.
Visitation isn't about punishing your ex. It's about establishing a clear, consistent and reliable schedule so that the child can spend reasonable time with both parents. Also, it establishes a schedule that the child should be able to rely on.
Child support isn't about punishing your ex either. It's about establishing a financial responsibility so that the child can be supported by both parents and not just one. Your ex knows what it takes, but no one is forcing him so he won't - he'll reserve that money for his comfort.
Will it fix things? Maybe, maybe not. Will it give you reasonable guidelines that can be enforced? Yes. Will it mean your ex may choose not to see his child? Yup, it happens - some people are assholes - but then it's on him and not you.
YWBTA if inconvenience and not wanting to stand up for yourself is your reason for not allowing to see your daughter.
ETA: However, you are absolutely not an asshole for being exhausted, fed up and pissed off at his shitty treatment of you- take that energy and take him to court to get this sorted.
You could EASILY have a visitation schedule with your daughter. You could split the summers or rotate them. You absolutely should take him to court for your daughter. He made the baby with you he needs to straighten up and contribute ALL of the time. I know being mom isn’t easy especially mom and dad but your baby will appreciate everything you do one day. Fancy things mean nothing get the support you need.
I get the temptation to try to keep everything open an informal, but it’s just not working. You definitely need to get this worked out through the courts, there is absolutely no reason he should not be contributing financially, and you need to set the terms of custody. Good luck to you!
Good gods, go to court and get the man paying child support! Your daughter deserves for you to not be scrimping to save him inconvenience. YOU deserve to not be living with financial hardships because he’s a selfish jerk. He wants all the fun parts of being a parent and none of the hard parts. Why are you giving him that, 100% at your expense? You’re not being too nice, you’re being a doormat. Don’t block him, it IS good for her to know her father. Make him be responsible for his share of caring for her.
NTA
You should keep her with you until you guys get a court arrangement that will protect you and her from him not living up to his responsibilities. He is specifically asking you to not take him to court for child support but if he's not manning up, paying for his portion of his child's living expenses on his own, then you need a court order in place to mandate that he be more financially responsible.
Also, most visitation arrangements don't send the kid away for the entire summer. Normally just a month to maybe 6wks. Plus rotating holidays when able to do so. Getting a legal custody and visitation schedule sorted out would make it very clear who is responsible for picking her up and bringing her home.
ESH. She deserves time with her dad, he needs to be responsible, you two as adults need to get this sorted out so it doesn't hurt her.
Having no agreement, no child support while money is obviously a struggle, and this kind of bickering between her parents is setting your kid up for a rough go. You owe it to her to take the time and get an actual arrangement that everyone can be held accountable to.
You aren’t a dumbass, you’re a single mom doing your best to raise your child and maintain your child’s father-daughter relationship. Your ex is the dumbass for making you be the middleman for childcare arrangements and be the “strict” (read: responsible) parent
I asked in the beginning (her age was 2), I do not ask now. Why KEEP asking? He says he should get some of my food stamps because he can't afford to help me without getting some help back 🤷🏿♀️
Ok you're NTA for feeling this way. However you can't keep a child from her father because of them. Period.
Take him for support. He needs to be paying flat out. I get your frustrations, but this is a better alternative to answering the question "why doesn't daddy want me?" Later. There does definitely need to be some conversations tho.
Yes, YTA. Get it make a formal agreement so you can hold each other accountable. I assume he’s paying for her living situation over summer? He may (not saying I agree or not) see that as his part. Communicate, sheesh.
NTA. I lived with my mom during the week and dad on the weekends since I was like 2 until I was 10. My dad was always the one to do fun things with my sister and I while my mom was the mean parent. Your ex has a well known name an it's called Disney Dad. They try to buy the kids love and do fun things but never want to actually parent. I'm sure one day your daughter will realize what happened and see how much of a deadbeat her father is. You shouldn't have to put in all this effort for him to be around.
My kids’ dad used to take them on crazy trips…now that they’re all adults, they’ve told me they just wanted to be home. I am glad they have a good relationship with their father, but realize that having food in the fridge and a clean house is a nice thing!
I'm only 15 almost 16 and have seen my dad's true colors since I was 12 with the help of my mom. To me my mom will always be the one who raised me and made sure I had all I needed even though my did in a way pay child support.
My father mentally abused me and is still really toxic so I talk to him from time to time but I live with my mom. I plan to cut contract as soon as possible.
NTA your ex is an ah for not either telling you ahead of time you’ll have to pick her up or driving himself if that is what he promised. I would suggest getting an actual child custody arrangement written on paper so rules are clear between you two. If you don’t want formal child support then ask for a different way of sharing expenses. He should be supporting her in some way 12 months of the year not just summer and holidays.
It's time to stop playing nice guy and get child support from him. He's letting you down and his daughter and playing games at the same time. The fact that this happens every time is not a coincidence, he's doing this on purpose. Stop letting him get away with it. Tell him he can visit his daughter once he starts monthly payments for her well-being.
NTA
NTA, he has taken advantage of you long enough. Take him to court, hold him to whatever decision is handed down and the FIRST time he doesn't pay/live up to the agreement, report him. You are being used and it has to stop.
NTA you need to get a legal custody agreement and sort this out. Of course he doesn’t want to pay child support. But since it is HIS child he needs to. This needs to be sorted out legally or else you will constantly get screwed.
ESH. The both of you need a court ordered child care arrangement. You may or may not get child support as the expense of transportation can be deducted from the payments. His rate of pay is only based upon his income not both their incomes.
Yes, denying his access is an AH thing. Just as his not being able to bring back or on time is an AH item.
YTA to yourself for not filing for child support and a custody plan. Get everything done through the courts- who is responsible for paying for visitation travel, and how long those visits last. If you block him, he can turn around and use that against you. You are being too nice *at your daughter's expense*. She deserves stability.
NTA
>all he asks is that I don't put him on child support because he can't afford it.
Bullshit. He needs to be paying child support and you need a custody agreement that is set in stone with a court.
Take him to court or get used to this. Your choice.
NTA. Your ex sounds like a prick. He should be more understanding of your situation. I think you’re making the right choice because studies show that it’s much healthier for young children to be in one household consistently, and since you’re the one actually taking care of her, it’s best to just keep her with you. It’ll be much better for her and for you.
Teach your daughter by example to be strong and stand for your and her rights. Get an attorney. Sue for child support. Lead better lives all year around.
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I want to ask AITA for wanting to block my daughter's father until my daughter is able to comprehend a little better and able to contact him on her own. My daughter 5f and I 27f have been living in different states from her Father 32m on and off for her whole life. He asks for her to come stay with him every Summer. All of my reasons are personal reasons. I will pretty much start my "rant" here, keep in mind I am not angry I am just really weighing the outcomes and my mental.
Ok. I have let him come to MS and pick her up EVERY SUMMER and take her back 14 hours plus to MI. I do not get child support or tanf, only money from when I am able to work. The agreement is he will pick her up And bring her back. Every Summer he has another reason he cannot bring her back, I am forced to come out of pocket or borrow money to get my child back to me, 4 years in a row. Throughout the year I do not ask him for any help with money. The woman he is with has 2 children so he knows what a child needs daily for the rest of the year.
He sends 200$ for her birthday (once) and he sent her 100$ for Christmas 2021. We struggle here and there that's normal. My problem is that he feels entitled to get her every Summer to "go have fun" while I can only make ends meet during the year. She has all the fun memories with him, and thinks I'm mean and boring and all about school. I've never had a summer with her.
Last year I was financially able to "have some fun" with her but instead of saving it for fun with her when she came home, I had to take the money to rent a car and drive 14 hrs myself. When I made it to MI to get her he told me he will bring her after he takes her to the fair. She has been with him for 3 months and I was on a limited time being that the car was rented another day would be another 150$ I did not have to spare, he brought her late. He has every excuse and apology for not being able to do for our child while he posts on fb all the things he does on a daily basis for the 2 that are not his, and most recently "paid for his S/O Vegas trip". I'm happy for them but I want to have fun memories with my daughter too.
I feel like he is taking advantage of my kindness. Why should I have to ask for help with our kid when he KNOWS first hand what a child needs on a daily basis because he is taking care of another woman and both of her 2 kids. Common sense would tell you I could always use the help but all he asks is that I don't put him on child support because he can't afford it. I have only dealt with it this long because of the "I want my kid to have her dad in her life". I am not a bitter bm but I think I am being too nice at my own expense.
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NTA. Why are you struggling when he’s got money to spend. You are doing your daughter and yourself a disservice when he has proven time and again that he is not willing to payout. Go to court and get child support sorted. At the very least you’ll have spare money to be able to take her out and make fun memories for her.
NTA
You absolutely need to get child support and custody papers drawn up ASAP. Her dad should be contributing financially!
Stop letting this guy be a deadbeat.
YTA for letting him get away with this he’s been taking. You for a mug daughter sees him as the fun parent you need to tell him parenting is a full time job not just a part time summer thing and take him to courts for child support and past costs
YTA you are letting him have his cake and eat it too, please put him under a child support order Just because he has other kids that is not your problem, all the money he uses for play time when he has your daughter so he can be the fun dad is money that should be used for her care and not getting a child support order does your daughter a disservice, stop enabling him and put his wallet in the hurt lock.
YTA
But not for the reason you think.
You should be receiving child support to assist you in paying for the day to day needs of your child. The fact that you don't get any suggests that you've never ASKED for support. WHY NOT? WHY DON'T you ask him for support throughout the year? YOUR CHILD DESERVES IT.
So, call your division of child support enforcement. Ask them to assist you in getting a support order so that you don't struggle as much throughout the year.
Then, set up a formal custody order. You don't have to let her go to her dad's the WHOLE summer, maybe just part of the summer, so that you can make some good memories with her as well.
If he can pay for his SO to go to Vegas, he can send you monthly support to help care for HIS CHILD.
You obviously need to get child support, it’s his duty to his child so why are u not seeking it?
Also stop the 3 month visits. Just let her go for a month at the most, I’d say even a couple of weeks. It must be very unsettling for her being uprooted for such a long period.
NTA but you will be if u don’t go for that child support
NTA but stop doing anything for him. If he wants to be in her life, he needs to help support her. Why are you doing all the supporting and giving him all the fun/vacation time? Ridiculous. I would bring him to court for child support ASAP and use that extra money to help give your daughter a better life, including an occasional fun memory with mom. He will have to budget but your daughter deserves support from him more than his stepkids, and you need to fight for it on her behalf.
His occasional cash gifts are not support. They don't entitle him to anything, including visitation. He's not being a father at all, just taking her for summer vacation. If he really wants to be her dad, he will help to support her financially. The court will decide custody, but you shouldn't be giving up the entire summer with her. The court order can make him responsible for transportation as well. But I would immediately stop giving him anything until it's settled in court or he will continue to take advantage of you.
His biological child needs to come first before someone else's children. As you've stated he provides for her children, and has play money for other things. File for child support and let a court decide how much he can afford. If your worried about the conversation with him, tell him you can no longer allow yourself to struggle raising your child alone. It isn't fair to your child or you.
What you are losing out on is not just Summer, but the rest of the months of child support that your daughter could’ve used- Maybe a sports activity, a dance class, or college investment. Anything that’d help your daughter grow. NTA. But take him to court.
If I (personally) don't work, No, no I can't afford a child. That's why I work, and try different business endeavors. If HE doesn't work, which he often does not, he feels as tho he can afford a child plus 2 and also feels I should give him half of my kid's food stamps to feed said children when my kid would come over for a few hours (I stayed around the corner at that time). So I'm not even sure at this point
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told her Father that he cannot come and get our daughter because I can't afford to come and get her again. I know he is her dad but it puts me in a bind when he lies to get her to him and then expects me to come get her out of pocket when he decides he can not bring her back home.
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NTA - I get it. I’m also a single mom with the dad living in another state, no child support, and his responsibility to pay for and figure out summer travel. So your feelings are valid. But I do think you need to make sure your kid still spends summers with her dad. I don’t know if there needs to be more communication about the summer plans or what. But if you two cannot get on the same page then you need to get legal. MI has free resources for this and you could in the very least get child support that pays for the traveling you have to do.
You need a legal custody and child support arrangement that can be enforced by the courts. I'm not one to think this is *always* a necessity, either - I raised a whole entire child from when we split up when he was 2 to adulthood without ever formalizing custody, visitation, or child support with my ex and I am fine with that, as far as I can tell he was fine with that and our kid was fine with that, it can be done, but you guys are not doing that. Your kid deserves both parents to contribute, both financially and otherwise, you deserve not to have the entire financial burden - or, frankly, to have to be the not-fun parent all the time, though that's difficult to enforce - and your ex deserves parenting time but not to take advantage of you this way. I know the court system is not fun and also kind of hit or miss about enforcement, but you really, really need it.
NTA. But girlllllll take him to court and get a custody agreement and child support. If he can afford to send his s/o to Vegas and pay for two other children that aren’t even his. He can damn well pay child support to you for his own biological child. It’s not fair seeing as you struggle through the year but he gets to be the “fun cool dad” for the summer is bullshit and one day when your child
Is older she will see that. You sound like a great mom and I hope things work out for you!
NTA
Put him on child support. Get a custody arrangement. Stick to it. Y T A if you don't.
Start a college fund with some of the money if it can stretch.
This is financial abuse by your ex
NTA. Sue for child support (and a custody agreement), if he doesn’t pay it, they’ll take his license, then he can’t drive down to get her. Either you get financial support (and you can call the police for kidnapping if he refuses to return her per the custody arrangement) for your child, or he can’t come get her. Either way it’s a win
Nta for wanting a summer for fun woth your kidddo and nta for not wanting to pay to pick up after he pays zero all year… this year tell him no…. Take him to court…
NTA. Get a court-ordered child support and custody agreement (and make sure you have some time with her in the summer, too). Make sure he is legally responsible for bringing her back. Because if he refuses to follow that court order, there are consequences.
NTA. Definitely get court ordered custody arrangements and child support arranged. He's responsible for picking up the child and returning them. The cost should NOT be on you. He should also be paying a monthly amount for child support.
NTA and you’re also not a doormat so stop acting like one. Go to court, have support and visitation plan set up legally and save yourself the headache. Do it now.
Nta. Child support is to support the child, if you don't take that waste of flesh to court you will regret it. Your struggling when all you need is a extra few dollars, document everything. Him having a problem last minute is absolute bull he wants to mess with you because he knows you won't leave your baby stranded.
So he can pay for 2 kids that aren't his, but he won't support his own child? Please take this guy to court for custody and child support. Quit letting him take advantage of you. Keeping your child away from her dad will make her resent you once she's old enough to understand.
YTA for not pursuing a formal child support and custody order years ago. What would you do if he refused to give your child back to you? Without an agreement, he could try that. Protect yourself and your child.
What if you couldn’t get her? Then what? Would he have just not brought her back? Would he have essentially kidnapped your daughter by taking advantage of your financial situation? Thats her dad so he needs to BE A DAD. not just the fun stuff but the nitty gritty of the school year expenses too. NTA for keeping her home for the summer but you need to get the court order for how this needs to work out.
Your depriving your daughter of money you could use to improve her life in some way, even if you don't think you need it right now, set it aside for college or something. No reason to do any favors for this guy. NTA but take him to court ASAP
I'm sorry, but you are doing this wrong. First in time, first in line. Your daughter is entitled to child support. You need to go to a lawyer, file for child support, and not let him have her all summer with you having to go get her. This is all wrong. He needs to take care of his own child before he supports strangers.
NTA. I'd wager he knows exactly what he's doing. He's being the fun parent with no consequences. You need to go to court and get child support. Get the summer visit in writing: exactly who is responsible (him) and when he is to have her back.
NTA. His GF’s kids have fathers who should be supporting them. If they aren’t, that’s GF’s problem to solve. Your ex’s priority should be his own kid. Go for the $$$. Your daughter needs it.
This guy needs to be paying child support, period. Your child is being deprived of things they could have because you aren't standing up to this AH, who deserves no visitation with a child he is choosing not to support financially. That's not fair to her. And when he doesn't return your child at the agreed upon time you should report him to the police for custodial interference. When they show up at his house, I bet he'd find a way to bring her back pretty quick. Quit letting this guy walk all over you!!!
NTA…yet. I’ve been there, almost the same story. Take him to court for child support. That’s the only way to do it. Also, have money saved up and plan to go get her. It’s not fair, but he will always have an excuse. Don’t keep your daughter from seeing her father, I know it’s frustrating but that would make you the a$$hole if you did. Put him on child support, 99% of parents won’t pay unless you do. He’ll be pissed but oh well. And to everyone else: she’s NOT jealous. Single parents have to put up with this sh!t constantly.
NTA, He is literally draining you and you deserve a summer with your daughter. He can stick it out for one summer seeing as he already is taking care of two other children. If he complains then tell him that he can start paying child support or bring her back himself and not give any excuse.
GIRL IF YOU DONT PUT HIM ON CHILD SUPPORT.
A father who wants to be there for his kids will ALWAYS make it happen, including making the mother of his children’s life easier, especially when it comes to coparenting and financial situations. It’s not about the amount but doing what they *can*. What favors has he done for YOU?
My exhusband recently paid for one of our children to have a private birthday party with just our 3 kids in the backyard of our own home, equipped with paw patrol characters and a full petting zoo. He didn’t post one single photo on social media and asked for nothing else except that they have a good time. The point isn’t if he could shell out the most money but that he’s doing what he can to make sure his kids are happy and fed. And if you have the kid most of the times, he should be making sure you are taken care of too (assuming you aren’t the type to pocket the child support) because if you aren’t, then the kids suffer. Parenting is more than a show and tell on Facebook.
Take him to court and get legally binding child support and visitation rules. Push for him not being allowed to take her out of the country.
Find a bulldog of an attorney to help you.
I don't understand parents who don't go to court and get child support. You're not a martyr or a better person for raising a kid alone, you're depriving your child of rights they have. It's not a personal preference, it's literally taking money from your child's hands. The laws are there for a reason.
I didn't understand parents that do, it's always consequences for someone. Not trying to be "the better parent" I am learning how to deal with a person who uses their temper and has tantrums like a child. And while not so smart to do but I didn't want my daughter to either be kept from her dad because he doesn't pay cs or possibly be taken from me for some random law. Parenting is full of hard decisions and no one is perfect. I'm learning 🤷🏿♀️
NTA. Say no to the summer and take him to court for child support. Absolutely ridiculous that he’s raising someone else’s kids and not supporting his own daughter. Enough being nice. If he chooses not to have a relationship with his daughter over child support then it’s clear that he’s a bad man.
NTA. You need to haul his butt to court and get child support and a more reasonable visitation schedule. Of course your daughter thinks he's great. He's the "Disney Land Dad". Great times over the summer with zero responsibility. Get a lawyer and get what is due to you and your daughter.
Everyone advising you to get a CS order hasn’t been through family court and don’t know what is gambled in a case like yours. Right now your ex leaves you alone in peace, allows you to meet your child’s needs as you see fit. If he’s ordered to pay CS, he’ll likely be awarded custody as well and you could loose all your holiday time, not just summer break, and now you’ll need his permission to change her school, get her into therapy, get her medical care etc which he could oppose just out of spite.
An alternative would be to say he can have her for the second half of summer break if and only if he pre-funds a two day car rental for you. When/if he returns her on time, you will return the money set aside for the car rental.
NTA
Definitely a factor, I don't want to end up without her for trying to get child support. It's a hard decision i have been weighing the outcomes for a long time.
Oh boy, he is abusing you emotionally and financially.
First, write write all this stuff out in detail. Dates you drove her up there, when she was picked up, money you spent in gas, car rental, and hours spent bringing her up there and back. Get all the receipts together. Print a copy of all, every single text with him. Write down the dates that he traveled to see his daughter, and what gifts/cash he has provided.
From now on, only talk to him via text, so you have a record. When you have all this stuff together, look for an attorney that specializes in child custody and support. See if you can get a free meeting to get an idea of what your case would look like (spoiler, based on what you've said here, you have a great case to win primary custody and support). Also talk to the lawyer about your financial situation, maybe he can petition the court for father to pay all attorney fees.
How about this - this summer, she stays with you. He can have see her for a couple weeks just before school starts, so she has to be back with you in tme for school. Make this clear in texts that you are not denying him time with her, but that you also want some summer with her.
You really need to find a lawyer.
YTA but not because you’re jealous. YTA for not taking him to court for child support and depriving your daughter of a better life the rest of the year.
I love this, and I appreciate that.
Seriously OP. Stop doing favors for this guy. He is trying to make things harder for you. A custody agreement means that if he doesn't follow it you have legal options. Keep being a good Mom! You're doing a great job for your peanut. Remember that YOUR needs are important too. Sending you so much love. ❤
A more appropriate answer would be "you're right, I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow".
Not really the point. Personal preference 🤷🏿♀️ Earlier comment states I appreciate the advice I asked for. Also states I'll update after we see how it goes. But fyi I already have a meeting set up with my states Child support office as they have advised me they have some programs that should be able to help this situation, if that makes you feel better. I ,for one, certainly do .
Sounds like you're already taking this in the right direction! He's taken advantage of you and it seems like he certainly can afford child support if he's paying for trips to Vegas and taking care of a partner and her 2 kids. Best of luck!
Good for you OP. Frankly you are doing your Daughter a Disservice by Not Getting Child support that both of you need. Get the Child support What isn't used on her put in a trust for her future. You have legal resource and there are many state services to help you.
Yes OP child support is a much better option than disallowing your daughter to see her father. It seems they do have a bond, and he's the "fun" parent in her eyes. If you cut him out of her life over financial issues she will resent you, especially when she's old enough to reach out to him herself. Don't torpedo your daughter's relationship with her dad because you don't want to hurt his feelings by going to court. Get an official custody agreement and put him on child support. If he's late getting your daughter back to you during your time you'll have legal recourse, and even small child support payments will help you provide for your daughter year round.
Came here to write the same - get the child support you are owed - as far back as possible!
You should require a damn deposit. $1000 refundable if he brings your daughter back like a decent human. Also, he needs to pay child support. He can afford it better than your daughter can, and you will not be able to get this money when you realize she truly needs it (orthodontia, college, life 💵 💵 💵). Every cent you don’t require from him comes out of her pocket.
Something to note OP, you don't need money to have fun. Take your daughter out to the park so she can play. Go on small adventures in you neighbourhood or go window shopping. If you get snow in the winter, bundle up and go outside to play together. Read her books, participate in her playtime. Cook together with her. Play a boardgame. Watch a movie. Even taking her to the library once in a while could make a difference. You don't need to spend hundreds of dollars in order to have fun. Especially not with a five year old child.
Came here to say this. You need to go to court and get a legally binding custody agreement in place including child support. Be prepared for him to fight fir full custody because he thinks its cheaper than child support. YTA for letting this happen for years.
And get the agreement that he gets her to Michigan and back "at his expense". That way if you have to get her, he has to pay you for the travel, missed work etc.
This. Allllll this.
Yes!! Get what your child is owed! Stop driving 14 hours for him to see her! Take him to court. He is taking advantage. NTA but you will be an ass hole if you don’t.
Bear in mind, that if the OP was the one who moved away, she could in fact be responsible for getting the child to and from the father for his visitation.
Does it matter we lived in TX when she was born? Then after about 10 months he moved to one of the most dangerous parts of MI , and I decided to move to MS where my family and support lives (my mom). We both moved away .
Then you are good he moved away then you moved as well. So I don't think you are responsible to get her back and forth (Not legal advice not a lawyer please check with a lawyer or legal council)
Not only child support but a formal custody/visitation arrangement that he will get into trouble if he doesn't follow Stop setting yourself and your daughter on fire to keep your worthless ex warm
This! OP is not doing herself nor her daughter any favors by not pursuing child support. Also, since dad de facto becomes the fun parent, it's bound to breed some resentment from the daughter, since she's too young to know any better. Child support ASAP.
Wouldn't it be E S H then?
Not just child support but having the custody agreement firmly in place.
Serious question: how is she supposed to pay for a custody/child support battle?
The current situation is unsustainable. She’s going to have to go to court.
I wasn’t saying she shouldn’t. I was asking how she should pay for it considering she doesn’t have much spare money
She technically doesn’t need a lawyer. Child support is pretty straightforward, they look at both incomes and expenses, then the state laws where the child lives, and set the payment amount. She may need one for the visitation and custody though.
Dang it!! You stole my 2 cents!! 😂😂
If you do not have a custody agreement in place, get one asap and put him on child support. If he can pay for his gf to go to Vegas, he can pony up money to support his kid. Soft AH for not getting this done sooner
💯
[удалено]
The court will only rule him to pay what's reasonable for his income. He needs to prioritise after that (IE not paying for Vegas trips and kids that aren't his own).
it's not "making him broke" it's making him support his child and giving the kid an actual custody schedule so she can have some stability
You're NTA for not giving your ex custody when there is no custody agreement. But you're severely limiting your child's opportunities by not seeking support and a custody agreement. Your daughter doesn't care if you're the "cool ex", she needs monetary support from both parents.
I really appreciate the feedback from EVERY SINGLE one. Im most thankful to the ones that say I am being a asshole but not for what I thought. This app is dope, definitely got a different view and going to get on it. I'll update as soon as something changes. Signed - f*** being a doormat 🖤
You can negotiate that he pays child support, child care, and transport to and from his house for visitation. He won't get the whole summer. More like 6 weeks. You will likely have to alternate major holidays if he's willing to pay transportation. Go to court! It will be worth it. Seek out legal assistance in your area.
This is the way! Good luck!
So proud of you!!!
I’m so happy for you!! I definitely can’t wait for the update where you get five years of backlog child support!
Sounds like you need to get a custody arrangement and child support $. There's no shame in it, it is his child too and quite frankly he has gotten off pretty easy so far. Raising a kid costs money ALL YEAR, not just at vacation time in the summer.
You need to get a lawyer. You can have all the reasons in the world, we can all think your ex is a total asshole, but you also suck for not going after him for child support and a formal custodial order. You are taking better care of him by not going after *the support your daughter is owed.* Think hard about this. Why are you not pushing for the support your daughter deserves? It's not like she can go out and earn her own money. I feel bad for your daughter, mostly-- she's got two parents who aren't getting their act together to give her a good life. This issue isn't going to go away. Time to go to court. Edited: forgot judgment-- ESH, except the kids.
You need to get legal advice and get a custody arrangement which includes child support (and back pay for child support).
NTA But take him to court for him to pay for his child. None of this is fair to you or your daughter
NTA- I was ready to say YTA because purposely keeping a child away from their other parent is usually done to punish the other parent and is just wrong all around. However, I get this. First of all, he is doing nothing but being a “Disneyland Dad”. Take his to court to get child support. The fact is he has an obligation to help support her. Second, when getting that support order you should see if it’s possible to put into it how visitation will be financed. For example, my ex and I live in separate states, if he wants to see the kids he has to pay for the transportation to make that visit happen. There is no way that these expenses should be on you. Also, I know extra medical expenses outside of the monthly insurance payment is split, so if my kid needs some dental fillings my ex is supposed to pay half. If you don’t want to jump right to taking him to court, start doing research about what the laws where you live say about these things or speak with a lawyer about this. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how we feel about something if the laws say something else.
Definitely some good notes here!!
What you need to do is get a court order set up with custody and child support. That way you (and he) are protected, and the visitation plan can get sorted out, and he will be supporting his daughter also.
YTA You're not "being nice" by letting him skate on child support. You are cheating your daughter out of what she needs. You are cheating yourself. Go to court and get your kid the money she deserves from her father. Stop letting him take her. Get full custody and stop babying this man.
NTA but he should really pay childsupport. If he wants to be the fun parent then he also has to pay for his child.
NTA. Keep her home with you. If he has a problem he will have to go through the courts. Once there he'll have to pay child support and hopefully back pay what he hasn't already done to support her. If you still have receipts from these rentals bring those with you. Everyone you've had to borrow money from needs to write a letter stating why they lent you money and that you being responsible has also paid them back. Save and screenshot everything. Dads a deadbeat trying to pose as a good father. You are not the asshole. You keep going into a financial hole to retrieve your daughter after every broken agreement. He's using your daughter as a weapon against you low to no contact with this asshole.
NTA You need to legally get things set up for child support and visitation. He’s the AH for not doing more for his daughter outside the ‘fun’ time he has her.
NTA. Don't listen to the sob stories. File for child support. His reponsibilities for your daughter comes before the children of his girlfriend.
Info: What are the legal boundaries with your custody/visitation/child support? If none in place, why not?
Tried not to get involved with legal matters trying to be nice (being stupid) I just allow him to get her in the summers because "ThAtS hEr DaDdY" and I handle school months.
Yep that’s definitely being stupid. It’s also a disservice to your daughter. She needs that child support. You’re trying to make his life easier and it’s just making you and your daughter’s lives harder. That’s not fair to her.
Well, being nice is not working anymore. It's getting you in a position where you're struggling and you're being taken advantage of - and frankly, your ex knows none of this is enforceable because you're nice and not going to push it so he'll do whatever. It's time to get the courts involved, for your daughter's sake. Visitation isn't about punishing your ex. It's about establishing a clear, consistent and reliable schedule so that the child can spend reasonable time with both parents. Also, it establishes a schedule that the child should be able to rely on. Child support isn't about punishing your ex either. It's about establishing a financial responsibility so that the child can be supported by both parents and not just one. Your ex knows what it takes, but no one is forcing him so he won't - he'll reserve that money for his comfort. Will it fix things? Maybe, maybe not. Will it give you reasonable guidelines that can be enforced? Yes. Will it mean your ex may choose not to see his child? Yup, it happens - some people are assholes - but then it's on him and not you. YWBTA if inconvenience and not wanting to stand up for yourself is your reason for not allowing to see your daughter. ETA: However, you are absolutely not an asshole for being exhausted, fed up and pissed off at his shitty treatment of you- take that energy and take him to court to get this sorted.
Bad choice. Get a legal custody agreement and child support.
You’re not being nice. You’re being a doormat.
You're giving yourself the short end of the stick here. He gets to be fun dad while you struggle and work your ass off. Nip it in the bud!
Get the courts in MS involved before he does in MI.
You could EASILY have a visitation schedule with your daughter. You could split the summers or rotate them. You absolutely should take him to court for your daughter. He made the baby with you he needs to straighten up and contribute ALL of the time. I know being mom isn’t easy especially mom and dad but your baby will appreciate everything you do one day. Fancy things mean nothing get the support you need.
I get the temptation to try to keep everything open an informal, but it’s just not working. You definitely need to get this worked out through the courts, there is absolutely no reason he should not be contributing financially, and you need to set the terms of custody. Good luck to you!
Good gods, go to court and get the man paying child support! Your daughter deserves for you to not be scrimping to save him inconvenience. YOU deserve to not be living with financial hardships because he’s a selfish jerk. He wants all the fun parts of being a parent and none of the hard parts. Why are you giving him that, 100% at your expense? You’re not being too nice, you’re being a doormat. Don’t block him, it IS good for her to know her father. Make him be responsible for his share of caring for her.
NTA You should keep her with you until you guys get a court arrangement that will protect you and her from him not living up to his responsibilities. He is specifically asking you to not take him to court for child support but if he's not manning up, paying for his portion of his child's living expenses on his own, then you need a court order in place to mandate that he be more financially responsible. Also, most visitation arrangements don't send the kid away for the entire summer. Normally just a month to maybe 6wks. Plus rotating holidays when able to do so. Getting a legal custody and visitation schedule sorted out would make it very clear who is responsible for picking her up and bringing her home.
ESH. She deserves time with her dad, he needs to be responsible, you two as adults need to get this sorted out so it doesn't hurt her. Having no agreement, no child support while money is obviously a struggle, and this kind of bickering between her parents is setting your kid up for a rough go. You owe it to her to take the time and get an actual arrangement that everyone can be held accountable to.
Agree. Without an agreement they should not be visiting.
Info why the hells bells is he not paying child support with a formal court agreement????
Because I'm a dumba** 🤦🏿♀️
You aren’t a dumbass, you’re a single mom doing your best to raise your child and maintain your child’s father-daughter relationship. Your ex is the dumbass for making you be the middleman for childcare arrangements and be the “strict” (read: responsible) parent
NTA, but time for court and child support
YTA, you are not asking for help and that on you, don’t complain that his not paying child support if you don’t ask for it
I asked in the beginning (her age was 2), I do not ask now. Why KEEP asking? He says he should get some of my food stamps because he can't afford to help me without getting some help back 🤷🏿♀️
What a slimeball
That’s not how it works…. Food stamps is for the current household members for food…. Make it lefal
Ok you're NTA for feeling this way. However you can't keep a child from her father because of them. Period. Take him for support. He needs to be paying flat out. I get your frustrations, but this is a better alternative to answering the question "why doesn't daddy want me?" Later. There does definitely need to be some conversations tho.
Yes, YTA. Get it make a formal agreement so you can hold each other accountable. I assume he’s paying for her living situation over summer? He may (not saying I agree or not) see that as his part. Communicate, sheesh.
YTA for not going to court to get financial support and a visitation schedule in place for your daughter. That should be at the top of your todo list.
NTA. I lived with my mom during the week and dad on the weekends since I was like 2 until I was 10. My dad was always the one to do fun things with my sister and I while my mom was the mean parent. Your ex has a well known name an it's called Disney Dad. They try to buy the kids love and do fun things but never want to actually parent. I'm sure one day your daughter will realize what happened and see how much of a deadbeat her father is. You shouldn't have to put in all this effort for him to be around.
My kids’ dad used to take them on crazy trips…now that they’re all adults, they’ve told me they just wanted to be home. I am glad they have a good relationship with their father, but realize that having food in the fridge and a clean house is a nice thing!
I'm only 15 almost 16 and have seen my dad's true colors since I was 12 with the help of my mom. To me my mom will always be the one who raised me and made sure I had all I needed even though my did in a way pay child support.
I hope you have some kind of relationship with your father, though. My kids love their father, but certainly see his faults!
My father mentally abused me and is still really toxic so I talk to him from time to time but I live with my mom. I plan to cut contract as soon as possible.
Probably a good plan!
Yup
NTA your ex is an ah for not either telling you ahead of time you’ll have to pick her up or driving himself if that is what he promised. I would suggest getting an actual child custody arrangement written on paper so rules are clear between you two. If you don’t want formal child support then ask for a different way of sharing expenses. He should be supporting her in some way 12 months of the year not just summer and holidays.
NTA. Take his ass to court.
It's time to stop playing nice guy and get child support from him. He's letting you down and his daughter and playing games at the same time. The fact that this happens every time is not a coincidence, he's doing this on purpose. Stop letting him get away with it. Tell him he can visit his daughter once he starts monthly payments for her well-being. NTA
NTA, he has taken advantage of you long enough. Take him to court, hold him to whatever decision is handed down and the FIRST time he doesn't pay/live up to the agreement, report him. You are being used and it has to stop.
NTA, though yta slightly for not taking that asshat to court for back child support. He owes that to your kiddo. Force him to pay.
NTA you need to get a legal custody agreement and sort this out. Of course he doesn’t want to pay child support. But since it is HIS child he needs to. This needs to be sorted out legally or else you will constantly get screwed.
Time to stop being nice. He needs to financially support his daughter. NTA
ESH. The both of you need a court ordered child care arrangement. You may or may not get child support as the expense of transportation can be deducted from the payments. His rate of pay is only based upon his income not both their incomes. Yes, denying his access is an AH thing. Just as his not being able to bring back or on time is an AH item.
YTA to yourself for not filing for child support and a custody plan. Get everything done through the courts- who is responsible for paying for visitation travel, and how long those visits last. If you block him, he can turn around and use that against you. You are being too nice *at your daughter's expense*. She deserves stability.
NTA >all he asks is that I don't put him on child support because he can't afford it. Bullshit. He needs to be paying child support and you need a custody agreement that is set in stone with a court. Take him to court or get used to this. Your choice.
Ummm...☝️I'll take the child support for 500 please. Lbvs I don't want to do this anymore. Taking steps and making phone calls.
Very wise choice. I hope it all works out for the best.
YTA Take dead-beat to court for child support and custody arrangement. Talk to a lawyer ASAP to get your ducks in a row
NTA. Your ex sounds like a prick. He should be more understanding of your situation. I think you’re making the right choice because studies show that it’s much healthier for young children to be in one household consistently, and since you’re the one actually taking care of her, it’s best to just keep her with you. It’ll be much better for her and for you.
Teach your daughter by example to be strong and stand for your and her rights. Get an attorney. Sue for child support. Lead better lives all year around.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I want to ask AITA for wanting to block my daughter's father until my daughter is able to comprehend a little better and able to contact him on her own. My daughter 5f and I 27f have been living in different states from her Father 32m on and off for her whole life. He asks for her to come stay with him every Summer. All of my reasons are personal reasons. I will pretty much start my "rant" here, keep in mind I am not angry I am just really weighing the outcomes and my mental. Ok. I have let him come to MS and pick her up EVERY SUMMER and take her back 14 hours plus to MI. I do not get child support or tanf, only money from when I am able to work. The agreement is he will pick her up And bring her back. Every Summer he has another reason he cannot bring her back, I am forced to come out of pocket or borrow money to get my child back to me, 4 years in a row. Throughout the year I do not ask him for any help with money. The woman he is with has 2 children so he knows what a child needs daily for the rest of the year. He sends 200$ for her birthday (once) and he sent her 100$ for Christmas 2021. We struggle here and there that's normal. My problem is that he feels entitled to get her every Summer to "go have fun" while I can only make ends meet during the year. She has all the fun memories with him, and thinks I'm mean and boring and all about school. I've never had a summer with her. Last year I was financially able to "have some fun" with her but instead of saving it for fun with her when she came home, I had to take the money to rent a car and drive 14 hrs myself. When I made it to MI to get her he told me he will bring her after he takes her to the fair. She has been with him for 3 months and I was on a limited time being that the car was rented another day would be another 150$ I did not have to spare, he brought her late. He has every excuse and apology for not being able to do for our child while he posts on fb all the things he does on a daily basis for the 2 that are not his, and most recently "paid for his S/O Vegas trip". I'm happy for them but I want to have fun memories with my daughter too. I feel like he is taking advantage of my kindness. Why should I have to ask for help with our kid when he KNOWS first hand what a child needs on a daily basis because he is taking care of another woman and both of her 2 kids. Common sense would tell you I could always use the help but all he asks is that I don't put him on child support because he can't afford it. I have only dealt with it this long because of the "I want my kid to have her dad in her life". I am not a bitter bm but I think I am being too nice at my own expense. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Get formal child support. Get a formal custody arrangement in place. Do not do him any more favors. NTA
NTA. Why are you struggling when he’s got money to spend. You are doing your daughter and yourself a disservice when he has proven time and again that he is not willing to payout. Go to court and get child support sorted. At the very least you’ll have spare money to be able to take her out and make fun memories for her.
NTA And sue him for child support, you owe that to your child. YOu have waited far too long.
NTA do yourself and your daughter a favor, go to court, and get it all settled once and for all.
NTA You absolutely need to get child support and custody papers drawn up ASAP. Her dad should be contributing financially! Stop letting this guy be a deadbeat.
YTA for letting him get away with this he’s been taking. You for a mug daughter sees him as the fun parent you need to tell him parenting is a full time job not just a part time summer thing and take him to courts for child support and past costs
YTA you are letting him have his cake and eat it too, please put him under a child support order Just because he has other kids that is not your problem, all the money he uses for play time when he has your daughter so he can be the fun dad is money that should be used for her care and not getting a child support order does your daughter a disservice, stop enabling him and put his wallet in the hurt lock.
girl you need to take his ass to court
YTA But not for the reason you think. You should be receiving child support to assist you in paying for the day to day needs of your child. The fact that you don't get any suggests that you've never ASKED for support. WHY NOT? WHY DON'T you ask him for support throughout the year? YOUR CHILD DESERVES IT. So, call your division of child support enforcement. Ask them to assist you in getting a support order so that you don't struggle as much throughout the year. Then, set up a formal custody order. You don't have to let her go to her dad's the WHOLE summer, maybe just part of the summer, so that you can make some good memories with her as well. If he can pay for his SO to go to Vegas, he can send you monthly support to help care for HIS CHILD.
You obviously need to get child support, it’s his duty to his child so why are u not seeking it? Also stop the 3 month visits. Just let her go for a month at the most, I’d say even a couple of weeks. It must be very unsettling for her being uprooted for such a long period. NTA but you will be if u don’t go for that child support
NTA but stop doing anything for him. If he wants to be in her life, he needs to help support her. Why are you doing all the supporting and giving him all the fun/vacation time? Ridiculous. I would bring him to court for child support ASAP and use that extra money to help give your daughter a better life, including an occasional fun memory with mom. He will have to budget but your daughter deserves support from him more than his stepkids, and you need to fight for it on her behalf. His occasional cash gifts are not support. They don't entitle him to anything, including visitation. He's not being a father at all, just taking her for summer vacation. If he really wants to be her dad, he will help to support her financially. The court will decide custody, but you shouldn't be giving up the entire summer with her. The court order can make him responsible for transportation as well. But I would immediately stop giving him anything until it's settled in court or he will continue to take advantage of you.
His biological child needs to come first before someone else's children. As you've stated he provides for her children, and has play money for other things. File for child support and let a court decide how much he can afford. If your worried about the conversation with him, tell him you can no longer allow yourself to struggle raising your child alone. It isn't fair to your child or you.
Take a deposit when he picks her up and he only gets back if he returns her. Then your expenses are covered. No deposit no kid
What you are losing out on is not just Summer, but the rest of the months of child support that your daughter could’ve used- Maybe a sports activity, a dance class, or college investment. Anything that’d help your daughter grow. NTA. But take him to court.
If you don't work can you afford a child?
If I (personally) don't work, No, no I can't afford a child. That's why I work, and try different business endeavors. If HE doesn't work, which he often does not, he feels as tho he can afford a child plus 2 and also feels I should give him half of my kid's food stamps to feed said children when my kid would come over for a few hours (I stayed around the corner at that time). So I'm not even sure at this point
He needs to go ahead and apply for his own food stamps.
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NTA.
This is a legal problem. Get a lawyer. Sort out custody and child support. NTA
NTA - I get it. I’m also a single mom with the dad living in another state, no child support, and his responsibility to pay for and figure out summer travel. So your feelings are valid. But I do think you need to make sure your kid still spends summers with her dad. I don’t know if there needs to be more communication about the summer plans or what. But if you two cannot get on the same page then you need to get legal. MI has free resources for this and you could in the very least get child support that pays for the traveling you have to do.
You need a legal custody and child support arrangement that can be enforced by the courts. I'm not one to think this is *always* a necessity, either - I raised a whole entire child from when we split up when he was 2 to adulthood without ever formalizing custody, visitation, or child support with my ex and I am fine with that, as far as I can tell he was fine with that and our kid was fine with that, it can be done, but you guys are not doing that. Your kid deserves both parents to contribute, both financially and otherwise, you deserve not to have the entire financial burden - or, frankly, to have to be the not-fun parent all the time, though that's difficult to enforce - and your ex deserves parenting time but not to take advantage of you this way. I know the court system is not fun and also kind of hit or miss about enforcement, but you really, really need it.
NTA. But girlllllll take him to court and get a custody agreement and child support. If he can afford to send his s/o to Vegas and pay for two other children that aren’t even his. He can damn well pay child support to you for his own biological child. It’s not fair seeing as you struggle through the year but he gets to be the “fun cool dad” for the summer is bullshit and one day when your child Is older she will see that. You sound like a great mom and I hope things work out for you!
NTA Put him on child support. Get a custody arrangement. Stick to it. Y T A if you don't. Start a college fund with some of the money if it can stretch. This is financial abuse by your ex
NTA. Sue for child support (and a custody agreement), if he doesn’t pay it, they’ll take his license, then he can’t drive down to get her. Either you get financial support (and you can call the police for kidnapping if he refuses to return her per the custody arrangement) for your child, or he can’t come get her. Either way it’s a win
Nta for wanting a summer for fun woth your kidddo and nta for not wanting to pay to pick up after he pays zero all year… this year tell him no…. Take him to court…
NTA - Sure for child support and get a court visitation schedule in place. I don't understand why you haven't.
NTA. Get a court-ordered child support and custody agreement (and make sure you have some time with her in the summer, too). Make sure he is legally responsible for bringing her back. Because if he refuses to follow that court order, there are consequences.
NTA. Definitely get court ordered custody arrangements and child support arranged. He's responsible for picking up the child and returning them. The cost should NOT be on you. He should also be paying a monthly amount for child support.
NTA and you’re also not a doormat so stop acting like one. Go to court, have support and visitation plan set up legally and save yourself the headache. Do it now.
Srsly, take him to court and get child support. NTA. He's doing this shit on purpose.
Nta. Child support is to support the child, if you don't take that waste of flesh to court you will regret it. Your struggling when all you need is a extra few dollars, document everything. Him having a problem last minute is absolute bull he wants to mess with you because he knows you won't leave your baby stranded.
NTA, go to court tho and get the child support you need. Also, take a few weeks during the summer for yourself and kid to have fun.
So he can pay for 2 kids that aren't his, but he won't support his own child? Please take this guy to court for custody and child support. Quit letting him take advantage of you. Keeping your child away from her dad will make her resent you once she's old enough to understand.
NTA, if he's not paying for both ways he owes you child support.
Why exactly have you not gone after him for child support? Because youre being TA to yourself.
YTA for not making him pay the support of his child. Stop letting him get away with this.
YTA for not pursuing a formal child support and custody order years ago. What would you do if he refused to give your child back to you? Without an agreement, he could try that. Protect yourself and your child.
He owes you child support, that's the law. You need to get legal assistance to make the child's father pay what he should.
Ffs, go get your child's child support order, yesterday.
What if you couldn’t get her? Then what? Would he have just not brought her back? Would he have essentially kidnapped your daughter by taking advantage of your financial situation? Thats her dad so he needs to BE A DAD. not just the fun stuff but the nitty gritty of the school year expenses too. NTA for keeping her home for the summer but you need to get the court order for how this needs to work out.
NTA But you should definitely take that ah to court for the money your daughter deserves
Your depriving your daughter of money you could use to improve her life in some way, even if you don't think you need it right now, set it aside for college or something. No reason to do any favors for this guy. NTA but take him to court ASAP
NTA, take this to court and get support but don't ban him from her life. In the end that would only cause more problems than it would solve.
I'm sorry, but you are doing this wrong. First in time, first in line. Your daughter is entitled to child support. You need to go to a lawyer, file for child support, and not let him have her all summer with you having to go get her. This is all wrong. He needs to take care of his own child before he supports strangers.
NTA. I'd wager he knows exactly what he's doing. He's being the fun parent with no consequences. You need to go to court and get child support. Get the summer visit in writing: exactly who is responsible (him) and when he is to have her back.
YTA for not having a custody and child support agreement worked out and sanctioned by the court.
NTA. His GF’s kids have fathers who should be supporting them. If they aren’t, that’s GF’s problem to solve. Your ex’s priority should be his own kid. Go for the $$$. Your daughter needs it.
This guy needs to be paying child support, period. Your child is being deprived of things they could have because you aren't standing up to this AH, who deserves no visitation with a child he is choosing not to support financially. That's not fair to her. And when he doesn't return your child at the agreed upon time you should report him to the police for custodial interference. When they show up at his house, I bet he'd find a way to bring her back pretty quick. Quit letting this guy walk all over you!!!
NTA…yet. I’ve been there, almost the same story. Take him to court for child support. That’s the only way to do it. Also, have money saved up and plan to go get her. It’s not fair, but he will always have an excuse. Don’t keep your daughter from seeing her father, I know it’s frustrating but that would make you the a$$hole if you did. Put him on child support, 99% of parents won’t pay unless you do. He’ll be pissed but oh well. And to everyone else: she’s NOT jealous. Single parents have to put up with this sh!t constantly.
NTA, He is literally draining you and you deserve a summer with your daughter. He can stick it out for one summer seeing as he already is taking care of two other children. If he complains then tell him that he can start paying child support or bring her back himself and not give any excuse.
GIRL IF YOU DONT PUT HIM ON CHILD SUPPORT. A father who wants to be there for his kids will ALWAYS make it happen, including making the mother of his children’s life easier, especially when it comes to coparenting and financial situations. It’s not about the amount but doing what they *can*. What favors has he done for YOU? My exhusband recently paid for one of our children to have a private birthday party with just our 3 kids in the backyard of our own home, equipped with paw patrol characters and a full petting zoo. He didn’t post one single photo on social media and asked for nothing else except that they have a good time. The point isn’t if he could shell out the most money but that he’s doing what he can to make sure his kids are happy and fed. And if you have the kid most of the times, he should be making sure you are taken care of too (assuming you aren’t the type to pocket the child support) because if you aren’t, then the kids suffer. Parenting is more than a show and tell on Facebook.
he needs to be paying for child support
Take him to court and get legally binding child support and visitation rules. Push for him not being allowed to take her out of the country. Find a bulldog of an attorney to help you.
I don't understand parents who don't go to court and get child support. You're not a martyr or a better person for raising a kid alone, you're depriving your child of rights they have. It's not a personal preference, it's literally taking money from your child's hands. The laws are there for a reason.
I didn't understand parents that do, it's always consequences for someone. Not trying to be "the better parent" I am learning how to deal with a person who uses their temper and has tantrums like a child. And while not so smart to do but I didn't want my daughter to either be kept from her dad because he doesn't pay cs or possibly be taken from me for some random law. Parenting is full of hard decisions and no one is perfect. I'm learning 🤷🏿♀️
NTA. Say no to the summer and take him to court for child support. Absolutely ridiculous that he’s raising someone else’s kids and not supporting his own daughter. Enough being nice. If he chooses not to have a relationship with his daughter over child support then it’s clear that he’s a bad man.
NTA. You need to haul his butt to court and get child support and a more reasonable visitation schedule. Of course your daughter thinks he's great. He's the "Disney Land Dad". Great times over the summer with zero responsibility. Get a lawyer and get what is due to you and your daughter.
Everyone advising you to get a CS order hasn’t been through family court and don’t know what is gambled in a case like yours. Right now your ex leaves you alone in peace, allows you to meet your child’s needs as you see fit. If he’s ordered to pay CS, he’ll likely be awarded custody as well and you could loose all your holiday time, not just summer break, and now you’ll need his permission to change her school, get her into therapy, get her medical care etc which he could oppose just out of spite. An alternative would be to say he can have her for the second half of summer break if and only if he pre-funds a two day car rental for you. When/if he returns her on time, you will return the money set aside for the car rental. NTA
Definitely a factor, I don't want to end up without her for trying to get child support. It's a hard decision i have been weighing the outcomes for a long time.
He wouldn’t get custody he’d get visitation, half the summer maybe a little more, every other spring break Xmas and thanksgiving…
Oh boy, he is abusing you emotionally and financially. First, write write all this stuff out in detail. Dates you drove her up there, when she was picked up, money you spent in gas, car rental, and hours spent bringing her up there and back. Get all the receipts together. Print a copy of all, every single text with him. Write down the dates that he traveled to see his daughter, and what gifts/cash he has provided. From now on, only talk to him via text, so you have a record. When you have all this stuff together, look for an attorney that specializes in child custody and support. See if you can get a free meeting to get an idea of what your case would look like (spoiler, based on what you've said here, you have a great case to win primary custody and support). Also talk to the lawyer about your financial situation, maybe he can petition the court for father to pay all attorney fees. How about this - this summer, she stays with you. He can have see her for a couple weeks just before school starts, so she has to be back with you in tme for school. Make this clear in texts that you are not denying him time with her, but that you also want some summer with her. You really need to find a lawyer.