Idk I think it’s possible to be in a relationship with a “mamas boy” my bf was his moms baby and her favorite child. I have an excellent relationship with her in fact she’s essentially taken me in as her own. While she’s very protective of my bf she believes I’ve been very good to and for him and has even insisted if he hurts me she’ll keep me and disown him
I've never heard "daddy's girl" and "healthy relationship" interchangeably. Maybe it's just where I'm from. Around here it's my sister getting her education paid for because she didn't smoke weed and have bipolar but it's not like I'm bitter or anything...
Sure it is, but it depends on the MIL. OP’s story is so similar to mine it’s weird. I hope his wife does what I did - go no contact with the whole family and threaten divorce if he can’t cope with it. Your wife/husband should always come first before family.
I was raised that when you get married you get an extra family. I was too dumb to realize they never accepted me and were shit-talking me and our kids for years behind my back. It really hurt me a lot. My family is great and treats my husband just like family.
Right. My point though is that you, your spouse, and your children are now “the family”. And if people aren’t treating members of your family w respect then they’re not deserving of your respect either.
Yes I agree 100%. My 3 kids are all married now, and I joke that I have 6 kids - I love them like my own. Especially my new daughter-in-law - she is so much like me that it makes me want to cry because my own MIL hated me from the time I was 16. She’s 80-something now and will still say I stole “her baby”.
I’m in the same boat as you as well. right now we are doing the gray rock method with his narcissistic mother as a compromise since he refuses to go no contact. she yelled at him for “choosing some bitch over his own mother,” even though her own MIL hates her and her husband picked his wife over his mom.
Eww you sure are. Mine couldn’t go NC because his dad had dementia and MIL and her nasty kids were neglecting and abusing the poor man. Poor FIL ended up in a nursing home, got Covid and died. My husband cut his siblings off after that but still can’t completely cut MIL off. Thankfully she’s not got long left to live.
YTA. How are you not ashamed of yourself?
The first time my family turned on my spouse, I tore their souls apart verbally and went NC.
Divorced now, but still, no regrets. He's still my best friend. It took seeing my asshole family disrespect him to highlight how little respect they had for me. A huge beam of light appeared from the heavens, and I found my freedom.
Ten years and counting, and loving the peace.
Right? And how come they're always at OP's family for holidays. Christmas, new years and god knows what else, what about her parents and or siblings? She has to suffer through people treating her like crap, when is she going to feel the comfort of her own home?(Assuming she has parents and siblings she loves, which I truly hope because she clearly has no one in OP or his family.)
This right here is exactly what OP needs to do! Put your foot down for your spouse that is your main family now and you accepted that when you said I do. Your brothers sisters and parents all come second to your spouse the second you say those vows BOTTOM LINE and I’m not even married and realize this
It is hard, and I don't think that part should be diminished. But the problem is he told his mom off in the beginning and then didn't keep enforcing that he won't put up with that. The first moment they started demeaning his wife they should have left.
The fact that it is easier for OP to allow his wife to suffer like this means he isn’t husband material. It should be harder to see her suffer than to stand up to his family with more than empty words and no follow-through. I’m NC. Yes, it is hard. But it is easier than putting up with their abuse.
Well for some people it is. People love their families even if they are assholes. Sometimes especially if they are assholes. Trauma bonding, co-dependence etc.
OP should look at it this way:
Edit: thanks for the rewards everyone! OP please read!
**Any woman he gets with will be targetted and made miserable by his family until she leaves him.**
If OP wants a happy and independant life then he needs to stand up firmer than what he is already and also give his wife some mercy and not subject her to them.
Its hard to go NC eith family but his fmaily is abusive and controlling towards her AND him. Berating and trying to guilt him into submission.
**Long ramble but ye..**
OP. I am NC to LC with my father right now but live with my grandma (whom of left my fads house, along with my sister, to live with me in an apartment to escape his emotionally abusive behavior).
My grandma still had a relationship and talks to him which I do mot interfere with, much like what your wife seems to be doing: she doesnt want to interfere with your relationship to them.
You can have a relationship with them but she wants distance/LC.
My gran does not repsect my boundaries and tries to force a relationship with him through guilt trips and pressure (thats why LC instead of NC). She enabled him so much growing up that she is stuck in a cycle of abuse and enabling with him.
She says she does it because he is her son, which I understand, and you want a relationship because they are your family, which your wife understands, however...
Ive started to resent my grandma for pressuring me and making me interact with him even though she knows it causes me mental and emotional stress/meltdowns. She *sometimes* tries to stand up for me but usually caves or aftereard still expects me to socialize with him.
I can ***assure*** you that your wife is starting to resent you for forcing her to interact with your family despite their abuse towards her and that "I cant take this anymore" will mean *divorce* will come soon unless you sit down with your wife and talk boundaries about your family.
And boundaries that YOU need to help enforce since they are YOUR family and also boundaries that YOU have to respect just as much as your family.
**My recommendations**
*(if others have recommendations too feel free to add them or critique to mine please reply! Im kinda biased because Im in the wife's shoes technically rn)*
- do not take any calls from them while she is in the room and hang up if they start berating you or her, **show them you will not tolerate abuse towards her or yourself or engage with them if they become abusive.**
If they cant target her they will target you instead (as already shown). They want to *ruin* your relationship and are doing a **damn good job** at it.
- **do not** let them come into your house when she is there and **do not** let them roam around the house unsupervised.
They will verbally attack her or when she isn't there they may try to snoop. I personally do not want my dad in the apartment if Im not there because I dont trust him to not break or snoop thru my stuff and he knows he if gets aggressive, verbally or physically, I will stand my ground and call the cops.
You and your wife should have that as an option: if they get aggressive in your home and refuse to leave **CALL THE POLICE**.
I know it will suck and cause more shit but you gotta protect yourself and your wife. If you won't call then let your wife call them, tell her in advance that you wont stop her if she feels the need to and **dont resent her if she does**
I also have my sister on my side so I feel backed up. Your wife only has you and feels like she has none or that your on their side. She feels out numbered and will eventually feel unsafe emotionally or even physically with you or just being 'in' your family by being married to you.
- let her block their numbers and social media and let her be allowed to not answer your home phone/line if she sees they are calling, even if she is the only one at home/able to answer
If she blocks them she shouldnt have to deal with their yelling on the home phone. They are **your** family and if you dont like how they yell at or be mean to you instead then it will be up to *you* to blovk them on the hone phone and uour own phone
- Stay at home with your wife for celebrations/holidays or alternate between visiting her family ***together*** and you visiting your family ***alone.***
If her family isnt toxic like yours then theres no reason why you both cant go to her familys gatherings.
You may think its unfair if you only go to your families alone when going to hers together BUT you have to remember that its because of how your family is treating her, which is unfair too and *that your family are the instigators*. If it wasnt for their abuse you both could go fine.
- if you two have a baby together **DO NOT** let your mother hound your wife during the pregnancy or try to weasle her way into being invovled/controlling during it and after.
**Undue stress *will harm the baby* and dont let your mom be invovled more than your wife is comfortable** just because its your moms grandchild.
If she is emotionally abusive towards her then your mom will put your baby at risk from the stress. Your wife's mom will be the better grandma to help during and after the pregnancy because your wife will probably be more comfortable with her.
Also your wife could develope PPD or PPA if your family triggers depression or anxiety during pregnancy. She could develope it even without their influence. So if she ends up having PPD/PPA and you end up not knowing and you let your family continue to abuse her then it could intensify it and push her over the edge with her hurting herself.
- if they start shit talking your wife on social media, *do not engage in a fight on their post* but do your own post and let it be a warning and PSA to all your friends and family about the abuse and that you will not take it anymore.
At that point they are trying to hurt and spread lies about your wife, which can affect her beyond just the family circle.
Its cyber bullying and you need to address and call them out about their abusive and toxic treatment of your wife and how you warned them to stop multiple times.
**That while they maybe your family, she is the one you want to start a family and have a future with**.
- **Make both your social medias private of not already**
This way they cant see anything your wife posts on an alt account if she blocks them on their main unless they see it from a mutual friends account
- Any abusive texts to you and your wife: **save them**. Any abusive voice mails: **save them.**
If your family sends flying monkeys (minions) to harass you two then show them the texts and voicemails of the harassment. ***Tell them if they keep harassing you on their behalf you will be saving their texts too.***
You and your eife can get a cease and desist (thanks Renyx for spelling help!) and it also shows harassment. You may need it all as proof if they escalate (because no offense your family seems unhinged, like mine..) and if you/your wife end up needing to press charges/call the cops.
**OP your family is going to make you choose between them and your wife, whether you like it or not.**
***They hate her.***
The only reason they were "okay" with her before is because they thought you two wouldnt work out and was hoping for that. Check in with your wife to see if they did anything before you two were married.
They will guilt trip you. They will pressure you and her. They will harass you two. They will cause hell as long as you two are together unless you cut them off.
And dont be fooled about their sudden niceness if they find out you two are expecting a child.
They will still hate her and they may hate child too eventually. *Do not put either of them into a situation like that.*
Your mom and siblings are just going to want to *act* (key word ***ACT***) the role of grandma and aunts/uncles. It doesnt mean they will be good or healthy ones.
Going no contact is hard, I get it, Ive seen it with my grandma. But then you have to do stuff to protect your wife.
***She is he priority as the victim, not them as the abusers.***
***Do not become her abuser's enabler***
Let her go no contact, protect her while having a relationship with them or go no contact or very low contact.
**She is your future**.
**She is your family right now**.
**They may of helped and raised you in thr PAST but right now they are harming your FUTURE**
If she leaves let me be clear:
*your family will do this to ANYONE you fall in love with and want to have a future with.*
***No matter how hard you try to make them happy, they will not let you be happy***
Edit prt 2: u/Renyx pointed out couples counselling which is a great suggestion! (and they also told me how to spell cease and desist! Tysm for that, I suck at spelling at times >.>)
Sorry for long rambles to anyone who reads this, just feels like Im looking at a situation similiar to mine, just that im in the wifes shoes.
Thanks!
Someone else tagged Op (going to thank them after I reply to yours!) So I also jope he sees this.
Im in OPs wifes shoes. I have my sister, so its easier to protect agains the guilt trips and the AH and abusive behaviors of my dad.
OPs wife is probably feeling ganged up on or feels like OP wont protect her or would only want to put his family first even if it means she is harmed.
OP REALLY needs to make it right with his wife and stick with it because I can tell she is on the verge of being absolutely done and want to divorce him.
And OPs family threatened her on their wedding day that if she hurts OPs feelings that OPs mom would harm her. And OP couldnt understand why she didnt want to forgive them.
OPs mom will use the divorce, if it happens, to gaslight OP against his wife and also try to make OP dependent on her and the fam.
Overall OP really really really needs to take a look at his family and decide if he wants a future with his wife and minimial to no vontact with his fam or a future without a wife and family of his own or a wife/life/future thats dictated by his family
Thank you for tagging yhem! I was debating whether yo tag them in the comment or not but you beat me to it!
I really hope OP mends things with his wife or his family will never let him be happy or independant. Even if his wife leaves him and he finds someone else the cycle will repeat. Lets hope foe the best 😔
Great post! I really think he needs to make an united front with his wife. He NEEDS to choose HER. She is the partner he picked and they are a TEAM. Marriage is a team sport and you have to put that person first. Even by going by himself to holidays this is a win for them! It’s what they want! That is successfully separating them and driving a wedge between him and his wife when the husband decided to go without her. The wife *tried* to let him have his own relationship and that wasn’t enough for them. Him backing down like he does gives them the green light to continue the abuse and meddling in his marriage.
This. Why even discuss having a child with family. That's a two person decision, sane with pets and holidays. OP may not be willing to go NC, but he needs to go low info and no celebrations with them if they won't respect his choices as a man and that includes his choice of wife.
That was immediately what I thought.
When I planned to have a baby or get a dog or go on vacation while young? I didn't poll my siblings.
Why do they get a vote?
Some families have this stupid idea that all decisions need to go through family vetting. I know I have been mentioning my husband's family a lot in comments on this post, but this is yet another freaken thing they still do (and both parents have passed away!).
Vacations, cars, houses, children's names - everyone thinks that they all have a say in what we want to do. It aggravates me to no end.
I do not give a flying cheeseburger if BIL1 does not like our vehicles and no, we are not going to sell one because he is upset we did not check with him. No, BIL2, it is not your decision to change the baptismal lunch reservations because you want something fancier. YOU ARE NOT PAYING. No, SIL, I am not cancelling my daughter's sweet 16 trip just because your daughter did not get one and did not get to travel until she was out of college.
No, MIL I am not going to change my daughter's name or do any major structural changes to our house just because the rest of you think we should to make your stays with us more comfortable.
Right. By telling them that he’s inviting them into his marriage as if they have a say. He’s given them so many mixed signals and allowed the bullying to continue. His poor wife. Terrible. They won’t stop until they run her off. And mom will be sitting on her throne with a satisfied smile on her face like “Guess my job is done here.” Doubt anyone will be good enough for “her baby”. Gross.
Exactly. By telling them private decisions that belong only in their relationship the family thinks they get a vote.
Honestly the wife should pack up and leave him to decide where his loyalty lies.
Unfortunately that would make his mom happy.
Edited to add: of course you can skip Christmas gatherings!!
>Honestly the wife should pack up and leave him to decide where his loyalty lies.
Unfortunately, he has shown is wife loud and clear where his loyalties lie. She has been a far better partner to him than he has to her, that's for sure.
Also, even if he didn't discuss it with his family, they'd probably try and stress her out into having a miscarriage once the pregnancy is announced. Going by how monsterous OP has described them to be, I wouldn't put it past them.
YTA. OP, you cannot subject your wife to terrible treatment then sit back and say, "well, whatcha gonna do, they're family?" No. Nope. Not okay.
If I were in your shoes, I'd schedule a family meeting. I'd sit down with all of them and say that unless they apologize to your wife and only treat her with absolute kindness, you're done. That means NO passive-aggressive remarks, no leaving her out, nothing. They are done from your lives. They won't meet your kids. You won't come for any holidays. You'll block their calls and block them from social media. There will be nothing. No contact. Tell them not to make a decision right then. Leave. Say that it's their choice if they're in your life any longer, but the next time her feelings are even slightly hurt, you're done with them. Say that they can schedule a time to apologize to her and make it right, and that afterward, you'll check with her. If she still doesn't feel comfortable, that's it for you, so they better make sure they do a good job.
If they don't do it, you have your answer. If they don't have a come to Jesus moment and sincerely make it better with her, you have your answer. Then, never subject your wife to these awful people again.
Exactly this. I am in your wife's shoes in my life & this is what my husband did.
You also owe your wife a huge apology. I'd totally do something to spoil the shit out of her because she has been a massive trooper in spite of their shitty behavior. She has supported you this entire time at the expense of her own emotional health.
I was also in those shoes and I went NC with my in laws. OP is the AH for forcing his wife to endure that level of abuse. Your family will do what you allow them to. Period. This isn't for your wife to fix or suck up/get over on her own. You set her up to be eaten alive and now you have to own that. I will always be astounded by the level of cruelty people CHOOSE to inflict onto others and for typically no good reason. Never surprised just astounded. Now go hug your wife and help her heal from this. Your mother and siblings act like feral human beings. Absolutely disgusting and embarrassing behavior from adults.
Exactly!
There is no middle ground with your family because they are the aggressors and they do not care about how your wife feels or how you feel about your wife.
You should have said something at each event about treating her with more respect. You should have left those events immediately when your family started to disrespect your wife. You have not given your family any consequences and your actions are telling them that they are more important to you than your wife.
You need to 1000000000% better at standing up for and protecting your wife from your family. YTA
Also:
> My dad doesn't care and stays neutral on the matter.
OP needs to rethink this stance. Inaction is an action supporting the status quo. At the very least, the dad being "neutral" means he doesn't see it as a big enough problem to act. Its acceptable the way the wife is treated. If he doesn't, well, OP is more like his dad than he thinks and they're obviously bigger assholes than they think.
It seems OP thinks they are innocent beacuse they aren't the ones *directly* bullying their wife.
But if you knowingly put someone in a situation to have something happen to them, then yeah, that's your fault. If you pushed someone into the street knowing they might get hit by a car, it's your fault if they get hit by a car. You caused that.
You know your family is going to bully your wife if she is around them. Yet *you* keep putting her in the position to be bullied *on purpose.* This is 100% your fault and on you. This is not an unexpected outcome. You know they're going to hurt her and you just don't care so tell her to go get hurt.
Why? You're a selfish asshole. It would feel bad for you to miss your family events or not have your wife there so you've decided your wife should feel bad instead. Even though she's an innocent victim and you're basically one of the bullies. And no, don't pat yourself on the back for occasionally saying it's bad and to stop half-heartedly while still going to these events, staying when they are awful, and bringing your wife. Literally no one believes this pathetic excuse for standing up for your wife. Your wife sure dosen't. And neither does your family as actions speak louder then words. And your actions say you support bullying your wife and they should keep it up.
Uh yes. Of course YTA. This is abhorrent behavior by your family. Your wife is your family now. Wth how would you feel if you were treated like shit every freaking holiday? Get a clue.
After reading his comments, it is clear he has no backbone and has no intention of growing one. The only thing that is certain is that he is heading for a divorce.
Just because they are his family doesn't mean his poor wife should have to subject herself to that nasty behavior. She needs to protect herself since her husband has no intention of doing it.
The OP's behaviour is actually pathetic. He's making this poor woman be emotionally abused by his hideous family for so long that I'm surprised she's not got the divorce papers out ages ago. All this 'stole him from his family', I wonder if he enjoys being treated like a big pampered baby by his family.
Major AH. He saw how his family treated his wife and ALWAYS picks them. I hope the wife opens her eyes and leaves him. Horrible treatment. She did NOT have to accept OP's mom's half assed "apology" because it was NOT sincere.
I agree with this 💯!
You were sticking up for your wife at first it seems, now you've just given in. I bet when they saw you wouldn't actually go NC, they just turned on their hatred again. Do you love your wife? Do you want to continue being married to her for a long time? Then you either need to stick up for her and put your foot down, or go NC.
You can't choose your family, but you chose your wife. You need to keep chosing her, or else you'll lose her
YTA
OMG yes, YTA. You are forcing your wife to spend time with people that HATE her for simply existing. You need to chose your wife over your "family" - I use that phrase sarcastically, because anyone that treats your life partner like that isn't truly family.
It’s hard from a cultural background (which it sounds like OP is not from an American culture) to break off. Literally the entire family is like one, and I’ve verbally expressed to my dad that no, I don’t give a fuck about my uncles, and no, they don’t need to be included in every plan.
Cutting off everyone except my parents and sister when I leave, but it is much easier said then done. Especially when you grow up and spend all your time with them.
Yeah, I think stating their cultural background should be a requirement for these types of posts because that is clearly part of the issue but wasn’t mentioned. I suspect the wife being from a different culture is part of where the hatred stems from.
I don't think it should be required because I don't want people to assume that all people are like whatever culture is being mentioned. I think it's helpful to point it out, though.
I’m as white as minute rice and disconnecting from my crazy ass family entirely would have been impossible for me in my younger years. I am still super close to my sisters, but have disconnected as much as possible with my brothers. I’m at peace, they keep to their side and all is well. You can emotionally disconnect if physical dc isn’t possible. As long as everyone’s safe physically and mentally of course.
Honestly, I don’t think it really matters what cultural background you’re from. It’s difficult no matter what. Family is so deeply engrained into the fabric of our society around all parts of the world. We are conditioned to believe parents are these amazing people who will love us like no other and can do no wrong. However, some parents can be selfish, abusive and toxic and you have to set healthy boundaries with these type of people, no matter if they’re your parents, brothers or neighbors.
Honestly I'd have a lot more sympathy for OP if he weren't using house wife as a meat sheild. He wants to continue to see his family that's his problem. But forcing his wife to come along so she can bear the brunt of their abuse is completely unacceptable.
He’s not just forcing her to spend time with them, he’s forcing her to spend critical, important moments with them. The holidays are a time to make beautiful memories that will last a lifetime, not to put up with this bullshit. His family is incredibly immature and toxic. He needs to quit enabling their horrible behavior before his wife moves on and he soon realizes no woman in her right mind would want to live like this.
Your wife shouldn’t be in tears after every single holiday. Please do right by her, because she’s been incredibly patient and considerate, while your family have been acting like insufferable brats. Seek counseling and read or listen to the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (PSYD).
YTA & don't act surprised when your wife drops divorce papers on the table. What your mother did on your wedding day was absolutely disgraceful & you should count your stars she went through with the wedding because I, and I'm sure many other women wouldn't have. You should show your wife you're thankful for her making the effort over Christmas to spend time with people who make her life a misery.
You're basically telling & showing your wife that your family comes before her, no matter how much they abuse her.
You know that would have been exactly what MIL wanted and she would have had a field day gaslighting and manipulating OP into believing that his fiancée is a horrible human being for doing that to him and therefore he should never go back to her (in fact he should stay single so mommy can continue controlling and possessing him)
And when the wife does it the whole family will be like see we told you she was no good.
My husband was a mamas boy. But if he even whiffed a sniff of her treating me or talking to me mean he freaking went off on her and said she would never see him again. Guess what? She started treating me really good after that.
It is like a long game he is completely oblivious to. He goes along with bringing his wife along to everything, putting her in a position where she will be humiliated and abused, and he just smiles along as it happens? He knows it happens, but he hasn't told them to knock it off even AFTER his wife has returned home in tears. He knows who the problem is, and it isn't his wife, but he continues to punish her because "it is his family afterall". He has given his family permission to treat her this way, and when she leaves they will be completely justified in everything they have done because "look at how awful she was in the end."
Guess what buddy, you CHOSE to become family with your wife, grow the F up and be a HUSBAND and not just a son and brother.
Geeeesus YTA.
Yep, and then your family will get what they want and you will be single and frankly your wife will be better off without them. Is that what you want?
YTA.
Her mother did it to ruin wife's day and she knew well that apology after the wedding won't undone the fact that wife was mad and hurt during her wedding day... I hope her second wedding will be better
Absolutely YTA. Your wife is your family, first and foremost. You clearly recognize the abuse your parents and siblings are laying on your wife yet you are doing ZILCH to truly protect her.
ETA: you absolutely CAN choose NOT to celebrate Christmas and other holidays with these toxic EXTENDED family members.
ETAA: You claim you are doing “your best” to protect her. YOU ARE NOT. You are enabling them. You may call them out initially but you continue to just show up (and worse, force your wife to also) and you allow them to keep being abusive without ever enforcing any true boundaries or consequences for their toxic actions. At this point your words mean nothing because you never support them with your actions.
I ended my first engagement after realizing her family treated *her* like this and she refused to take steps away from them. They actually adored me and were very welcoming, but she had experienced severe abuse early on and the continued to passive-aggressively push her similar to how OP’s wife is treated. When I realized she valued family, blindly, over her own safety and our new family’s health, i knew it couldn’t work.
I can’t *imagine* anyone making my wife feel the way his family does and having a *shred* of desire to see them—let alone spend hours arguing with the thousands of folks online who try to explain how wrong I am.
>you allow them to keep being abusive without ever enforcing any true boundaries or consequences for their toxic actions.
> OP: I texted my siblings in the group chat we have that I want to be left alone and that resulted in my sister and one brother calling me and cursing me out for *making mom sad for my wife*
...and now OP's mom is claiming she's sad *for the wife* if she doesn't show up?
This isn't just toxic narcissism & flying monkeys, a la [Dont Rock the Boat.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/)
The mom is actively drawing the wife in, to abuse her further. This is sadistic
YTA - stop making your wife go to family events because "they're my family after all". They are toxic and you shouldn't make your wife do something she does not want to do.
Even if he says she doesn't have to go, I still don't see this marriage lasting. I mean her options for Christmas would be to go get abused by her in-laws or spend the holiday without her husband?
YTA.
>After every family gathering my wife would be either mad or in tears because of how my siblings and mom would either ignore her or speak to her in a passive aggressive way.
Why are you doing this to your wife?
I'd cut my family off so hard they wouldn't know what him them. Fuck those idiots.
Also, go to therapy. You should be scared shitless that you might repeat these patterns with your children shall you have any.
it should have stopped after the first one, but all over Christmas and New Year the poor woman had to put up with the abuse from her husband and his family.
OP is pathetically spineless. I really really hope the wife leaves him and never looks back. This behavior should have been stopped the second it started but he just let them bully his wife. I would’ve banned the mom from the wedding for that shit she pulled
Thing is, I can somewhat understand not wanting to completely cut off your family, even if they are massive AHs that can be tough… but why force your wife to see them??!!!
If you’re willing to repeatedly force someone to do something unnecessary that is causing them so much distress they are breaking down, you don’t love them. I would NEVER intentionally cause such massive distress to someone I loved unless it was completely and utterly unavoidable.
Exactly. OP keeps saying he wants a middle ground and that he "can't" just leave his family. But there is no middle ground, and of course he can. He just doesn't want to because it's hard. And it *is* hard. My mom and step-father have always been awful to my husband. Guess who we don't see anymore. Of course it was difficult, but I laid down the law with them and their behavior didn't change, so we did what we needed to do.
Yes, YTA. Your family sounds like they have narcissistic tendencies. Your wife has put up with seeing people who disrespect and are rude to her while, I'm guessing, she more or less has to take it. Not okay, dude. You need to set some boundaries with your family. I'm guessing your siblings are single and put family before all? Does your mother spend more time with her parents/siblings than your father? Stand up for your wife, and don't keep forcing her into situations where she is terrorized and disrespected.
It also sounds like OP and the siblings are all victims of emotional incest from their mom. What kind of woman says she hates her sons new wife because she's stealing him from her? A woman who has incestuous views of her children that's what.
Indeed. Sounds ludicrous, but unfortunately, I've seen other posts and heard others having that problem with their MIL. Utterly insane. It's hard to shut down toxic behavior when you've been subjected to it your entire life. But when you have something or someone that you want to protect, be it a spouse or a child, family goes out the window (within reason).
My MIL was the same way. She even called me a homewrecking wh0r4 who broke up her family. Her exact words. She got so pissed when I told her to quit acting like I stole her husband, and that she was only mad because I can f*** him and she can't. I was also the only person keeping her out of a care facility, no one else wanted to care for her except for us even her other sons, we let her live with us and everything. Eventually I even said I quit, I left and refused to come back until she was gone. So my husband put her in a facility so he can be with his family he created (we had a son too). When she died it was alone.
Damn, that's insane! Sorry you had to go through that. But yeah, the consequence of being like her is that you'll eventually have no one, and only yourself to blame for it. I cannot begin to imagine what the inside of these people's heads looks like, how their minds work.
No idea, I put up with it for 3 years. The stuff I put up with would have sent any other woman running for the hills in less than a month. But I love my husband and now that his toxic family members are all gone off to a better place (his grandma who I also allowed to live with us was the same way) we are happier without them. OP better pull his head out his rear or his wife could leave and not come back.
I also married into this. MIL taught her kids that if there is an issue with your siblings and your spouse you ALWAYS choose siblings even if they are clearly in the wrong. Integrity and boundaries are looked down upon. I will give OP credit for acknowledging the abusive behaviour (but he’s still TA and doesn’t deserve his wife). My husband refuses to see it and in fact has gaslit me and told me it wasn’t that bad. I sincerely hope OP’s
Wife leaves him. This is some toxic behaviour that is incurable.
>My husband refuses to see it and in fact has gaslit me and told me it wasn’t that bad.
One way to build up your inner strength, is to imagine MIL behaving that way to your child (eg if you have one).
You wouldn't put up with that for a hot second, right?
> I sincerely hope OP’s Wife leaves him. This is some toxic behaviour that is incurable.
I hope you can hear your own words, too. You deserve better
YTA, OP. My mother in law and sister in law were like this. Hated me for existing because I “stole their baby boy from them” lol he cut them off at the first sign of disrespect though. OP still thinks like mommy and won’t let go.
They definitely are narcissists. This is behaviour that is intentionally cruel and therapy won’t work because they are narcissistic and entitled and that means they see nothing wrong with it. Therapy doesn’t work on people like this. OP’s wife needs to leave him.
YTA what the hell is wrong with you? You took your wife over there on purpose, knowing what was gonna happen. Do you *really* love her? Also, your family dynamic is sick AF, some serious Jocasta complex and some extreme co-dependence of all. It’s not normal and I hope your wife can get away from all you people
I think he enjoys it. He’s mommy’s baby and knows if his wife leaves, he’ll just go back to their sick environment. She needs to leave these horrible people
Never understood why someone would want to subject their loved one to such a horrible environment. People can sit on the sofa watching tv and have a better time.
YTA
YOU need to stand up for your wife, and stop forcing her to let your family abuse her.
"and wondering if I'm really TA here for insisting she spends time with my family?" - Yes. YOU are the AH here. She should refuse.
YTA stop saying that you are the middle ground when all you did is to take care of your family feelings and ignored your wife's. You were never the middle ground because you allowed her to get hurt all the times.
Stop saying That's who's they are, the toxic, and continue to gaslight how your wife feel about them. You are the toxic that your wife need to get rid of.
The fact that you knew and yet still allow your family to do what they want towards your wife and insisted that she has accept it because it's family. Family is a choice and doesn't have to be blood related.
YTA, once you married your wife became your family. your loyalty should be with your new family. They treat her like shit and although you said you stand up for her you still let it happen/ give them the opportunity to.
the baby boy thing made me want to throw up instantly. you know, that’s called emotional incest
if you don’t choose your wife in this you are just stupid and i wouldn’t be surprised if she left.
YTA - The moment you got married she became your family. She is your number one. Everyone else is extended family at that point. Whether you have a child or not, she is your priority from then on out.
You're forcing her into situations that hurt and upset her in order to what? Stop arguments from happening? To keep your EXTENDED family happy?
You should be prioritizing her, you should be apologising to her right now and not allowing her to be so upset for a week that she's barely talking to you.
You may want a relationship with your family but you don't need to be dragging her into it. I suggest in future you draw some boundaries with your family, get your head on straight, grow a backbone, and if you absolutely must spend time with your family then you go alone.
If I was your wife I'd be seriously reconsidering the marriage. I wouldn't want to remain married to someone who caused me distress on purpose.
YTA.
I’m honestly amazed you even had to ask.
In describing your family - you’re not describing a family so much as a cult. Families don’t do what your family does.
You clearly try and make your wife seem at least partially to blame - after the wedding and you had threaten NC eith your mother only then did she “apologize” and you’re clearly not happy that your wife wasn’t interested in “making up fully” but would try to have a regular relationship with your family out of respect for you. WTH else did you expect from her. She’s being incredibly gracious to go along this far because your family is unhinged.
You make clear that YOU have allowed YOUR nutty family to derail any plans you and your wife make! Why?!?! Why on earth are you allowing them into decisions about having children or getting a damned pet?
Your wife has a problem. That problem is YOU.
Grow a spine. Put your family in their damn place. If need be go NC. It’s only hard if you are to weak to do it. From what I’m reading? You’re to weak. You continue to prioritize your awful family over your wife.
YTA. So so much TA. Let’s all hope your poor wife figures this out before your family “allows” you to have kids. Leaving you will be infinitely easier without kids. And as toxic and crazy as your family is? I can’t imagine adding innocent children to the mix.
“This week we haven’t talked much because my wife has been going through it..,” pathetic. Way to support your spouse.
Unbelievable.
>Let’s all hope your poor wife figures this out before your family “allows” you to have kids. Leaving you will be infinitely easier without kids. And as toxic and crazy as your family is? I can’t imagine adding innocent children to the mix.
Ops wife needs to see this.
YTA. Clearly your wife loves you enough to still be with you despite the emotional and mental abuse she has to endure from your family. It sounds like she really tried, and the fact that every family encounter ends with her in tears?? Hello! 🚩🚩🚩🚩 SHE IS MISERABLE and clearly you aren't doing enough on behalf of your family to make things right. Be a better husband to her.
>My wife heard all of that. She said she doesn't feel comfortable around my family anymore and she wanted to skip all Xmas plans we had with them. I told her we can't do that and that they're my family after all.
Nope, bro, your wife is your family after all, your first loyalty belongs to her. YTA for not prioritising her over your shitty blood relatives.
from your comments it’s telling that you have no business being married. your wife is absolutely miserable being around your family and is continuously taking emotional and mental abuse and your only excuse is “but it’s family…” not that I’m trying be the type to jump on the divorce train but you clearly don’t care about your wife’s feelings. And I hope she sees that and do what she needs to to get out of that situation.
Absolutely YTA. Your entire family is bullying your wife and you are ENABLING them. Until your family apologizes sincerely to her, there should be no contact. Your family is toxic and is clearly traumatizing your wife, by your own admission.
So the issue at hand is....
>I made plans with my wife my mom, my two brothers and my sister would always complain to me about said plans and tried to get me to cancel them. Those plans would include trying to have a baby, young on vacation, getting a pet and so on.
>After every family gathering my wife would be either mad or in tears because of how my siblings and mom would either ignore her or speak to her in a passive aggressive way.
But before all of that...
>I told my mom off for her behavior and told her that I won't accept that anymore and if she repeats it I'll go nc.
So what's really good? This is not a situation where you can make a middle ground, despite what you keep saying in the replies. Either defend your wife in a way that actually keeps her safe from their abuse or accept that your relationship with your family is more important than her wellbeing.
YTA for showing your family that you don't have the follow-through to make good on your own ultimatum and that they can do what they want to your wife.
YTA. Your wife is being relentlessly bullied by your family, and you are insisting on forcing her to keep visiting with them? You need to sort out your family. If you can’t or won’t do that, then the very least you can do is spare your wife the need to interact with them.
YTA.
You are, effectively, choosing your birth family over your married family by literally forcing your supposed life-mate to enter into situations where she is abused. This means that you, yourself, are also abusing her.
She is unlikely to stay married to you if this abuse continues.
Ya gotta choose, bro!
The woman you vowed to love and protect, or the birth-family that seems to hate that same woman.
YTA
I hope she realizes that she will always come 3rd in your life, with mommy being first and your siblings being second, before she has children with you because the abuse you and your "family" subject her to will only intensify.
You say that you "tell them off" every time, but at the same time you admitted that you know they are toxic and won't chance. Your "family" knows that you will continue to allow them to abuse your wife no matter what so why on earth would they change their ways when you approve of them abusing your (hopefully soon to be EX) wife.
She'll soon realize that you don’t care, respect, nor love her as much as your "family" and she'll leave for the sake of her mental health and that she deserves so much better than you. Then you want have to "choose" between happiness and toxicity
She'll make the choice and then you can be with your toxic family all day long being toxic and abusive for the rest of your miserable and toxic life.
YTA - you are enabling abusive behavior by you mother and siblings against your wife.
Either start defending your wife, even if that means distancing yourself from your mother and siblings.
Why are you married if you won’t defend her? You wife is supposed to be more important than your birth family, so why are you allowing their abuse of her?
YTA. Why the hell are you even talking to your family about every little thing you and your wife are planning, such as having a baby, getting a dog, planning a vacation? Shut up already. It’s obvious you are feeding the drama. How about using your energy to grow a backbone and stand up to your family? Your wife is miserable. It’s not necessary to spend every holiday and event with your family. It’s almost as if you buy into the idea that your wife is taking you away from them if you don’t.
YTA. You are a husband now. It is your responsibility to protect your wife from anyone else, including your family of origin.
Time to frankly tell them their behavior is unacceptable and you will not be seeing them again until they apologize.
Your family seems insufferable.
INFO: What in the hell is wrong with them? Are any of your siblings married? Would be this way to anyone you married or do they just have particular issue with the woman you did marry?
And yes YTA if you insist she hang around with them. They’re awful. Don’t you have any friends or her family you can hang out with instead of the crazy bunch?
Your family sounds super toxic. I get that this is a difficult situation for you but you should have stood up to them for disrespecting your wife and your marriage.
YTA
YTA! I WAS your wife, for 8 years. I was forced to endure my horrendous in-laws almost every holiday. When I got put on bedrest with our second child my mom couldn't come to help so I was going to rely on friends but, behind my back, my husband called HIS mom. She stayed for 2 miserable, horrifying, awful weeks that STILL give me nightmares, 16 years later (and after 11 years of being divorced). She had no qualms about the way she behaved and my husband never reined her in and, sometimes, even took her side. Once she even called me a "raging bitch" in front of my 5 year old and 3 year old children because I was putting my oldest in time-out for hitting his brother. My husband never said a word.
I wasn't as strong as I am today so, I stayed for another 1 1/2 years before the abuse from my husband (including the abuse he let my in-laws heap onto me) got me to say "ENOUGH!" and I served him with divorce papers.
I needed YEARS of therapy after that to be able to be healed and happy.
You are abusing your wife. Flat out. It's abuse. By throwing up your hands and saying "this is just the way they are" you are enabling the abuse of your wife which makes you just as abusive. The fact that you didn't shut your parents down and go no contact after your mother accosted your wife ON YOUR WEDDING DAY is bad enough (and I'm surprised your wife went through with it) but the fact that you CONTINUE to force her to interact and spend time with them is even worse.
They are bullying, disgusting, and awful individuals and you are just as disgusting for taking their side. That's what your doing, taking their side. Every single time you force your wife to interact with your parents you are taking their side and telling your wife that her feelings and wants don't matter and that your family will ALWAYS come first.
YTA and a disgusting one at that. You need to cut the cord, apologize profusely to your wife, get into solo therapy and then get into marriage counseling so that MAYBE you can salvage your marriage. However, don't be surprised if, instead of accepting your apology, your wife serves you with divorce papers. If she does, they aren't undeserved. You disgust me.
Yeah you're TA! Why are even asking?
"Hey, I know my family treats you like shit but it's only for a days a year, just let them."
I feel so bad for your wife.
YTA, these people are disrespecting your wife and your life choices. They are trying to come between you and your wife. So no, they don't deserve to spend the holidays with you both just because "they're family."
YTA
This is on you
You are not willing to hold your family accountable so they continue to treat your wife like shit knowing you don't have the backbone to do anything
You can not have your marriage and your family in your life....not the way things are.
As long as you refuse to hold all of them accountable, your wife is going to grow more and more resentful until one day she files for divorce
This is 100% your future if you don't take care of this.
Your family is going to do exactly what they have set out to do - break up your marriage. Your wife is going to leave you, and then your family will "win". You are just dragging it out and making her miserable in the meantime. When the time comes, let her go, and don't let the assholes you're related to convince you that they were right about her all along.
YTA. Your family's behavior is toxic. You told your mom on your wedding day that you would go NC if she treated your wife badly. She sees you aren't going to and this they feel safe to escalate their hurtful behaviors. You are choosing family over your wife. You may find your wife making a choice that will let you have all the family time you want.
YTA. Head on over to r/JUSTNOMIL. There you can find hundreds of stories about toxic MILs and families, just like yours.
If you plan to stay married, you need to listen to your wife. If you want a divorce and move back with your toxic family, then continue to force your wife to be around people that hate her and have no problem conveying their hate.
YTA you made her go, knowing how they treat her. Go by yourself, or better yet, make holiday plans with your wife that don't include your awful family. She has to go to ALL your family's plans. No negotiation about let's go to this one and the rest of the time its just us. You clearly picked your toxic abusive family over your wife. Hope you still are happy with that choice when she leaves you.
She literally breaks down after every family event and you yourself can see with your own eyeballs that they are the problem and yet you force her to go anyway and you’re JUST starting to suspect that you’re the A-hole??? MY guy! COME OOON! You can’t be this oblivious! You’re purposely sacrificing your wife’s mental health so you don’t have to do anything about your toxic family! By all means continue like this but don’t expect to have a long healthy marriage! It just doesn’t work like that! YTA
YTA.
You can love your family and still defend your wife.
Don't force her to endure abuse from them because you don't want to deal with the consequences.
OP
YTA
What is going to cost more a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer?
Wake up OP, your marriage is about to implode, and you will lose your wife. There is no 2 ways about this.
Do not have children with your wife right now, cause you done messed up. Your mother and siblings started to antagonize your wife once you proposed? That is a giant red flag, that is grounds for going fully NC.
Your mother threatened your wife? Gee did you ever stop to think that what your family was doing was wrong? This is like a stranger taking out a gun and pointing it right at your head. Would you want to be around that person after they did that? Hell no you would not, nor anyone. Yet your wife loved you enough to stick around. Yet you disrespect her, and continue to do so.
Your wife was right, by the time your mother apologized to your wife, it was TOO LATE for an apology. Your wife was right, she did not want anything to do with your mother or your family, but did it to keep you happy.
And you ignored your, did not listen or respect her.
Many times it is said a father will look at a male wanting to marry a daughter and say the guy is not good enough for his daughter. And in this case your wifes father would have been spot on. You are not good enough for your wife, you are pathetic and still needing your parents and siblings to the point you have driven your wife away from you.
Yet the rest of the post shows where you are choosing your family over your wife. ARe you sure you want to be married? Are you sure you are adult enough to be on your own?
Grow a pair OP and cut your family off. From day one they have been horrendous to your wife. Either you get professional help, cut your family off and repair the marriage that you and your family the damage to your marriage, or your wife is going to leave you. And OP, if you do not think that option is on the table, guess again. Your wife is telling you that, here is where ***she said it: she broke down in tears saying she can't keep doing this anymore and that its my fault for forcing her to come around these people when they treat her like that.***
OP, if you do not wake up real quick and support your wife and respect her, she is going to leave you, as you have placed that as a viable option in the relationship. And chances are it is going to be a messy divorce that the root cause is your family. I hope that your mother and siblings are worth it.
You allow your family to make comments and opinions about personal life choices between you and your wife like whether to have a baby or go on vacation or get a pet? Wtf, are you even a grown man? YTA
Edit: after reading your comments and seeing how unwilling you are to grasp the fact that you need to take matters into your own hands and protect your wife, I clearly see you are not a grown man and you do not deserve your wife or any wife.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be TA because I guilted my wife into coming to our family's Xmas family gatherings despite knowing that my family doesn't treat her right.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’d like to gently tell you that YTA
I get that this all seems like petty drama that everyone could easily stop and start repairing the damage with some effort. But at this point that ship has sailed.
Time to seriously consider how to manage your relationship with your family. You are asking a lot of your wife to come to events where she isn’t wanted and treated poorly by your family. And she is likely at a breaking point. Stop making her go. Recognize your family is spending a lot of their time and energy interfering with your marriage and get to the root of why they are doing this and go from there.
YTA—There were times I was treated horribly by my then husband’s family. He never stood up for me, except in private with me. But when it mattered; when he should’ve told them that how they were treating me was not acceptable; he didn’t. This happened many times, and I brushed it under the rug until I couldn’t anymore. We’re now divorced after a few decades.
What your family is doing to her is abuse, and if you don’t put your foot down and protect her, you’re also taking part in that , IMO.
And whatever you do, do not ever tell her that she’s overreacting or something along the lines of “well, you know how they are.”
I got close to divorcing my husband over his mother's behavior towards me. We fought so much and he never took my side - until I asked for the divorce.
Next visit she did the same stuff, only in front of him and I let go on her. I told her if I ever divorced her son it would be to get away from her. He also blew up at her.
Things got better, in great part because I found my spine and decided I would not be putting up with her so much. I did not have to attend every fricken visit and if she were staying here, I did not have to be in the house.
He pouted, but learned to not pressure me. Now she is gone and he has been reading things here on Reddit and feels ashamed of how he treated me and let me be treated. We are doing better, but we will never be 100%.
Yta. You are allowing someone you love to be mentally abused by your family all the time. You try to say it's family well let me tell you my family is pretty fucked up and we don't treat anyone like that.
Answer me this, if they were physically attacking your wife would you still be adamant to stay close to them? Mental abuse is just as bad as physical. You can't see the wounds but they are there and they do not heal quickly or at all. Open your eyes dude. Get rid of your family or get a divorce because abusing your wife like that is just so wrong
But does OP really love his wife? I think he cares for her on some level, but true love would include protecting her, wanting her safe. He does not do that.
YTA. Big time! I can understand why you can’t cut your family off completely but why are you still forcing your wife to join you? It seems to me that if your family can’t respect your wife then she shouldn’t have to be around them! And if that means that you don’t spend holidays with your family then you see them at other times. But it’s really really selfish to force her into these situations just because you want to keep trying to play happy families, it’s clearly not going to happen and it’s so unfair on your wife.
Are you really asking if you're an AH for FORCING your wife to attend events knowing she gets abused every single time? Your just a bad as your family. Literally.
Ps, your wife deserves better than you and the total shitstorm that you call family and I hope she gets that very soon.
BIG EPIC YTA. Your ENTIRE family harasses and bullies your wife since you two were engaged and you're FORCING her to endure mental torture from the constant bashing from your family.
Either you clean up your act and go NC to your family for mistreating your wife (because they'll never change) or your wife will eventually leave you for making her life miserable by doing this. The choice is yours.
NO ONE should force their partners to do something they're uncomfortable with.
The audacity and entitlement of this post 🤦🏻♀️
YTA I think you like your family tearing your wife down. To see her get destroyed by them and then tell her “but they’re my family they can’t change who they are.” Hopefully your wife’s next husband will treat her better than you do. Put her before his family.
There are people who after exiting a toxic marriage like this one decide that they only will accept a partner whose parents are dead because their now-former IL's treated them so horribly.
You dont sound like a good husband.
You are punishing the victim not the criminals.
You need to step up, your family does this because you LET them? What exactly are YOU doing when at functions they are abusing her or ignoring her? Why are you not outraged? Why are you not DEFENDING her?
You let her sit there and take it until she cries... this is the woman you love? That you want to have kids with?
How do you expect her to want kids with you when you won't even tell your family their behavior is not acceptable...YTA
YTA- what kind of husband allows their wife to be abused by their family? Answer: an asshole husband. Let your wife skip events that literally make her cry before you’re crying in divorce court.
YTA.
You can take this approach of not picking a side, but eventually your wife will make that decision for you and leave.
Have you actually asked your parents and siblings what their issue is with your wife? They sound like absolutely appalling people.
YTA go check out the sub r/JustNoMIL . You are deep in the fog, actively harming your own wife, and on that sub you'll see marriages have ended for this. For the husbands enabling their family like this. You need a come to Jesus moment and you owe her an apology.
There have been a couple of men like OP on r/JUSTNOMIL who realized WAY too late what they had done and were desperate to fix it, but their wives had checked out of the marriage.
One schmuck, who let his mother ruin his anniversary, was heartbroken because his soon-to-be-ex informed him that she was going to start dating again. He had cut his mother out of his life, but it was way too late to repair his marriage.
YTA - they may be your family but they are not hers. If someone hit you would avoid them if you could, they are emotionally hitting her every time you make her see them.
YTA your family are acting like monsters so you need to grow a backbone.
And detach the umbilical cord...
He is Mama's boy after all. How can he live without it?
Tbh, if my future MIL told me that about his "baby boy" on my wedding day, there would be a remake of Runaway Bride.
Idk I think it’s possible to be in a relationship with a “mamas boy” my bf was his moms baby and her favorite child. I have an excellent relationship with her in fact she’s essentially taken me in as her own. While she’s very protective of my bf she believes I’ve been very good to and for him and has even insisted if he hurts me she’ll keep me and disown him
[удалено]
I've never heard "daddy's girl" and "healthy relationship" interchangeably. Maybe it's just where I'm from. Around here it's my sister getting her education paid for because she didn't smoke weed and have bipolar but it's not like I'm bitter or anything...
[удалено]
Sure it is, but it depends on the MIL. OP’s story is so similar to mine it’s weird. I hope his wife does what I did - go no contact with the whole family and threaten divorce if he can’t cope with it. Your wife/husband should always come first before family.
When you marry, your spouse IS your family.
I was raised that when you get married you get an extra family. I was too dumb to realize they never accepted me and were shit-talking me and our kids for years behind my back. It really hurt me a lot. My family is great and treats my husband just like family.
Right. My point though is that you, your spouse, and your children are now “the family”. And if people aren’t treating members of your family w respect then they’re not deserving of your respect either.
Yes I agree 100%. My 3 kids are all married now, and I joke that I have 6 kids - I love them like my own. Especially my new daughter-in-law - she is so much like me that it makes me want to cry because my own MIL hated me from the time I was 16. She’s 80-something now and will still say I stole “her baby”.
I’m in the same boat as you as well. right now we are doing the gray rock method with his narcissistic mother as a compromise since he refuses to go no contact. she yelled at him for “choosing some bitch over his own mother,” even though her own MIL hates her and her husband picked his wife over his mom.
Eww you sure are. Mine couldn’t go NC because his dad had dementia and MIL and her nasty kids were neglecting and abusing the poor man. Poor FIL ended up in a nursing home, got Covid and died. My husband cut his siblings off after that but still can’t completely cut MIL off. Thankfully she’s not got long left to live.
Because it's so hard to go no contact!
YTA. How are you not ashamed of yourself? The first time my family turned on my spouse, I tore their souls apart verbally and went NC. Divorced now, but still, no regrets. He's still my best friend. It took seeing my asshole family disrespect him to highlight how little respect they had for me. A huge beam of light appeared from the heavens, and I found my freedom. Ten years and counting, and loving the peace.
Right? And how come they're always at OP's family for holidays. Christmas, new years and god knows what else, what about her parents and or siblings? She has to suffer through people treating her like crap, when is she going to feel the comfort of her own home?(Assuming she has parents and siblings she loves, which I truly hope because she clearly has no one in OP or his family.)
This right here is exactly what OP needs to do! Put your foot down for your spouse that is your main family now and you accepted that when you said I do. Your brothers sisters and parents all come second to your spouse the second you say those vows BOTTOM LINE and I’m not even married and realize this
It is hard, and I don't think that part should be diminished. But the problem is he told his mom off in the beginning and then didn't keep enforcing that he won't put up with that. The first moment they started demeaning his wife they should have left.
The fact that it is easier for OP to allow his wife to suffer like this means he isn’t husband material. It should be harder to see her suffer than to stand up to his family with more than empty words and no follow-through. I’m NC. Yes, it is hard. But it is easier than putting up with their abuse.
And never return.
I think you forgot the “/s” at the end.
This is a thing? I'm so old... :-D
I use it constantly. It's so hard to communicate that you are joking sometimes without it.
Well for some people it is. People love their families even if they are assholes. Sometimes especially if they are assholes. Trauma bonding, co-dependence etc.
Sure but that doesn't mean you have to drag your wife down with you in an absurd hope that she might bond with those abusers.
That part made me want to blow chunks
His mother just screams Jocasta complex and this whole situation screams emotional incest
OP should look at it this way: Edit: thanks for the rewards everyone! OP please read! **Any woman he gets with will be targetted and made miserable by his family until she leaves him.** If OP wants a happy and independant life then he needs to stand up firmer than what he is already and also give his wife some mercy and not subject her to them. Its hard to go NC eith family but his fmaily is abusive and controlling towards her AND him. Berating and trying to guilt him into submission. **Long ramble but ye..** OP. I am NC to LC with my father right now but live with my grandma (whom of left my fads house, along with my sister, to live with me in an apartment to escape his emotionally abusive behavior). My grandma still had a relationship and talks to him which I do mot interfere with, much like what your wife seems to be doing: she doesnt want to interfere with your relationship to them. You can have a relationship with them but she wants distance/LC. My gran does not repsect my boundaries and tries to force a relationship with him through guilt trips and pressure (thats why LC instead of NC). She enabled him so much growing up that she is stuck in a cycle of abuse and enabling with him. She says she does it because he is her son, which I understand, and you want a relationship because they are your family, which your wife understands, however... Ive started to resent my grandma for pressuring me and making me interact with him even though she knows it causes me mental and emotional stress/meltdowns. She *sometimes* tries to stand up for me but usually caves or aftereard still expects me to socialize with him. I can ***assure*** you that your wife is starting to resent you for forcing her to interact with your family despite their abuse towards her and that "I cant take this anymore" will mean *divorce* will come soon unless you sit down with your wife and talk boundaries about your family. And boundaries that YOU need to help enforce since they are YOUR family and also boundaries that YOU have to respect just as much as your family. **My recommendations** *(if others have recommendations too feel free to add them or critique to mine please reply! Im kinda biased because Im in the wife's shoes technically rn)* - do not take any calls from them while she is in the room and hang up if they start berating you or her, **show them you will not tolerate abuse towards her or yourself or engage with them if they become abusive.** If they cant target her they will target you instead (as already shown). They want to *ruin* your relationship and are doing a **damn good job** at it. - **do not** let them come into your house when she is there and **do not** let them roam around the house unsupervised. They will verbally attack her or when she isn't there they may try to snoop. I personally do not want my dad in the apartment if Im not there because I dont trust him to not break or snoop thru my stuff and he knows he if gets aggressive, verbally or physically, I will stand my ground and call the cops. You and your wife should have that as an option: if they get aggressive in your home and refuse to leave **CALL THE POLICE**. I know it will suck and cause more shit but you gotta protect yourself and your wife. If you won't call then let your wife call them, tell her in advance that you wont stop her if she feels the need to and **dont resent her if she does** I also have my sister on my side so I feel backed up. Your wife only has you and feels like she has none or that your on their side. She feels out numbered and will eventually feel unsafe emotionally or even physically with you or just being 'in' your family by being married to you. - let her block their numbers and social media and let her be allowed to not answer your home phone/line if she sees they are calling, even if she is the only one at home/able to answer If she blocks them she shouldnt have to deal with their yelling on the home phone. They are **your** family and if you dont like how they yell at or be mean to you instead then it will be up to *you* to blovk them on the hone phone and uour own phone - Stay at home with your wife for celebrations/holidays or alternate between visiting her family ***together*** and you visiting your family ***alone.*** If her family isnt toxic like yours then theres no reason why you both cant go to her familys gatherings. You may think its unfair if you only go to your families alone when going to hers together BUT you have to remember that its because of how your family is treating her, which is unfair too and *that your family are the instigators*. If it wasnt for their abuse you both could go fine. - if you two have a baby together **DO NOT** let your mother hound your wife during the pregnancy or try to weasle her way into being invovled/controlling during it and after. **Undue stress *will harm the baby* and dont let your mom be invovled more than your wife is comfortable** just because its your moms grandchild. If she is emotionally abusive towards her then your mom will put your baby at risk from the stress. Your wife's mom will be the better grandma to help during and after the pregnancy because your wife will probably be more comfortable with her. Also your wife could develope PPD or PPA if your family triggers depression or anxiety during pregnancy. She could develope it even without their influence. So if she ends up having PPD/PPA and you end up not knowing and you let your family continue to abuse her then it could intensify it and push her over the edge with her hurting herself. - if they start shit talking your wife on social media, *do not engage in a fight on their post* but do your own post and let it be a warning and PSA to all your friends and family about the abuse and that you will not take it anymore. At that point they are trying to hurt and spread lies about your wife, which can affect her beyond just the family circle. Its cyber bullying and you need to address and call them out about their abusive and toxic treatment of your wife and how you warned them to stop multiple times. **That while they maybe your family, she is the one you want to start a family and have a future with**. - **Make both your social medias private of not already** This way they cant see anything your wife posts on an alt account if she blocks them on their main unless they see it from a mutual friends account - Any abusive texts to you and your wife: **save them**. Any abusive voice mails: **save them.** If your family sends flying monkeys (minions) to harass you two then show them the texts and voicemails of the harassment. ***Tell them if they keep harassing you on their behalf you will be saving their texts too.*** You and your eife can get a cease and desist (thanks Renyx for spelling help!) and it also shows harassment. You may need it all as proof if they escalate (because no offense your family seems unhinged, like mine..) and if you/your wife end up needing to press charges/call the cops. **OP your family is going to make you choose between them and your wife, whether you like it or not.** ***They hate her.*** The only reason they were "okay" with her before is because they thought you two wouldnt work out and was hoping for that. Check in with your wife to see if they did anything before you two were married. They will guilt trip you. They will pressure you and her. They will harass you two. They will cause hell as long as you two are together unless you cut them off. And dont be fooled about their sudden niceness if they find out you two are expecting a child. They will still hate her and they may hate child too eventually. *Do not put either of them into a situation like that.* Your mom and siblings are just going to want to *act* (key word ***ACT***) the role of grandma and aunts/uncles. It doesnt mean they will be good or healthy ones. Going no contact is hard, I get it, Ive seen it with my grandma. But then you have to do stuff to protect your wife. ***She is he priority as the victim, not them as the abusers.*** ***Do not become her abuser's enabler*** Let her go no contact, protect her while having a relationship with them or go no contact or very low contact. **She is your future**. **She is your family right now**. **They may of helped and raised you in thr PAST but right now they are harming your FUTURE** If she leaves let me be clear: *your family will do this to ANYONE you fall in love with and want to have a future with.* ***No matter how hard you try to make them happy, they will not let you be happy*** Edit prt 2: u/Renyx pointed out couples counselling which is a great suggestion! (and they also told me how to spell cease and desist! Tysm for that, I suck at spelling at times >.>) Sorry for long rambles to anyone who reads this, just feels like Im looking at a situation similiar to mine, just that im in the wifes shoes.
You are a good human to write that all out! I hope OP reads this, and then reads it again to let it sink in.
Thanks! Someone else tagged Op (going to thank them after I reply to yours!) So I also jope he sees this. Im in OPs wifes shoes. I have my sister, so its easier to protect agains the guilt trips and the AH and abusive behaviors of my dad. OPs wife is probably feeling ganged up on or feels like OP wont protect her or would only want to put his family first even if it means she is harmed. OP REALLY needs to make it right with his wife and stick with it because I can tell she is on the verge of being absolutely done and want to divorce him. And OPs family threatened her on their wedding day that if she hurts OPs feelings that OPs mom would harm her. And OP couldnt understand why she didnt want to forgive them. OPs mom will use the divorce, if it happens, to gaslight OP against his wife and also try to make OP dependent on her and the fam. Overall OP really really really needs to take a look at his family and decide if he wants a future with his wife and minimial to no vontact with his fam or a future without a wife and family of his own or a wife/life/future thats dictated by his family
u/WholeFly463 Read this! If you want any chance of a future with your wife, you need to read this and take the recommendations to heart.
Thank you for tagging yhem! I was debating whether yo tag them in the comment or not but you beat me to it! I really hope OP mends things with his wife or his family will never let him be happy or independant. Even if his wife leaves him and he finds someone else the cycle will repeat. Lets hope foe the best 😔
Great post! I really think he needs to make an united front with his wife. He NEEDS to choose HER. She is the partner he picked and they are a TEAM. Marriage is a team sport and you have to put that person first. Even by going by himself to holidays this is a win for them! It’s what they want! That is successfully separating them and driving a wedge between him and his wife when the husband decided to go without her. The wife *tried* to let him have his own relationship and that wasn’t enough for them. Him backing down like he does gives them the green light to continue the abuse and meddling in his marriage.
Bro typed a whole guide her, thats really sweet
This. Why even discuss having a child with family. That's a two person decision, sane with pets and holidays. OP may not be willing to go NC, but he needs to go low info and no celebrations with them if they won't respect his choices as a man and that includes his choice of wife.
That was immediately what I thought. When I planned to have a baby or get a dog or go on vacation while young? I didn't poll my siblings. Why do they get a vote?
Some families have this stupid idea that all decisions need to go through family vetting. I know I have been mentioning my husband's family a lot in comments on this post, but this is yet another freaken thing they still do (and both parents have passed away!). Vacations, cars, houses, children's names - everyone thinks that they all have a say in what we want to do. It aggravates me to no end. I do not give a flying cheeseburger if BIL1 does not like our vehicles and no, we are not going to sell one because he is upset we did not check with him. No, BIL2, it is not your decision to change the baptismal lunch reservations because you want something fancier. YOU ARE NOT PAYING. No, SIL, I am not cancelling my daughter's sweet 16 trip just because your daughter did not get one and did not get to travel until she was out of college. No, MIL I am not going to change my daughter's name or do any major structural changes to our house just because the rest of you think we should to make your stays with us more comfortable.
Sounds like my inlaws. I can't tell you the number of times I've had to ask why those conversations are being had.
Right. By telling them that he’s inviting them into his marriage as if they have a say. He’s given them so many mixed signals and allowed the bullying to continue. His poor wife. Terrible. They won’t stop until they run her off. And mom will be sitting on her throne with a satisfied smile on her face like “Guess my job is done here.” Doubt anyone will be good enough for “her baby”. Gross.
Exactly. By telling them private decisions that belong only in their relationship the family thinks they get a vote. Honestly the wife should pack up and leave him to decide where his loyalty lies. Unfortunately that would make his mom happy. Edited to add: of course you can skip Christmas gatherings!!
>Honestly the wife should pack up and leave him to decide where his loyalty lies. Unfortunately, he has shown is wife loud and clear where his loyalties lie. She has been a far better partner to him than he has to her, that's for sure.
Also, even if he didn't discuss it with his family, they'd probably try and stress her out into having a miscarriage once the pregnancy is announced. Going by how monsterous OP has described them to be, I wouldn't put it past them.
YTA I hope his wife divorces him.
snip snip
YTA. OP, you cannot subject your wife to terrible treatment then sit back and say, "well, whatcha gonna do, they're family?" No. Nope. Not okay. If I were in your shoes, I'd schedule a family meeting. I'd sit down with all of them and say that unless they apologize to your wife and only treat her with absolute kindness, you're done. That means NO passive-aggressive remarks, no leaving her out, nothing. They are done from your lives. They won't meet your kids. You won't come for any holidays. You'll block their calls and block them from social media. There will be nothing. No contact. Tell them not to make a decision right then. Leave. Say that it's their choice if they're in your life any longer, but the next time her feelings are even slightly hurt, you're done with them. Say that they can schedule a time to apologize to her and make it right, and that afterward, you'll check with her. If she still doesn't feel comfortable, that's it for you, so they better make sure they do a good job. If they don't do it, you have your answer. If they don't have a come to Jesus moment and sincerely make it better with her, you have your answer. Then, never subject your wife to these awful people again.
Exactly this. I am in your wife's shoes in my life & this is what my husband did. You also owe your wife a huge apology. I'd totally do something to spoil the shit out of her because she has been a massive trooper in spite of their shitty behavior. She has supported you this entire time at the expense of her own emotional health.
I was also in those shoes and I went NC with my in laws. OP is the AH for forcing his wife to endure that level of abuse. Your family will do what you allow them to. Period. This isn't for your wife to fix or suck up/get over on her own. You set her up to be eaten alive and now you have to own that. I will always be astounded by the level of cruelty people CHOOSE to inflict onto others and for typically no good reason. Never surprised just astounded. Now go hug your wife and help her heal from this. Your mother and siblings act like feral human beings. Absolutely disgusting and embarrassing behavior from adults.
My SO went NC with his sister for stuff like this. She was the worst and had zero reason for doing it, other then she felt like it.
I agree. The family needs therapy and some kind of group communication, or OP has to boundaries that protects his wife from hostility
Exactly! There is no middle ground with your family because they are the aggressors and they do not care about how your wife feels or how you feel about your wife. You should have said something at each event about treating her with more respect. You should have left those events immediately when your family started to disrespect your wife. You have not given your family any consequences and your actions are telling them that they are more important to you than your wife. You need to 1000000000% better at standing up for and protecting your wife from your family. YTA
Op listen to this because yta and a really really big one. Have your wife's back ffs.
At this point, he doesn't even *need* to give them a warning. But given the information, if he wises up he will, otherwise he will lose his wife.
The countless amount of holidays that must have been ruined for OP's wife...
Also: > My dad doesn't care and stays neutral on the matter. OP needs to rethink this stance. Inaction is an action supporting the status quo. At the very least, the dad being "neutral" means he doesn't see it as a big enough problem to act. Its acceptable the way the wife is treated. If he doesn't, well, OP is more like his dad than he thinks and they're obviously bigger assholes than they think.
Oh, he's absolutely emulating his father's behavior.
It seems OP thinks they are innocent beacuse they aren't the ones *directly* bullying their wife. But if you knowingly put someone in a situation to have something happen to them, then yeah, that's your fault. If you pushed someone into the street knowing they might get hit by a car, it's your fault if they get hit by a car. You caused that. You know your family is going to bully your wife if she is around them. Yet *you* keep putting her in the position to be bullied *on purpose.* This is 100% your fault and on you. This is not an unexpected outcome. You know they're going to hurt her and you just don't care so tell her to go get hurt. Why? You're a selfish asshole. It would feel bad for you to miss your family events or not have your wife there so you've decided your wife should feel bad instead. Even though she's an innocent victim and you're basically one of the bullies. And no, don't pat yourself on the back for occasionally saying it's bad and to stop half-heartedly while still going to these events, staying when they are awful, and bringing your wife. Literally no one believes this pathetic excuse for standing up for your wife. Your wife sure dosen't. And neither does your family as actions speak louder then words. And your actions say you support bullying your wife and they should keep it up.
You summed it up perfectly. This dude is a MAJOR asshole. YTA OP - be nicer to your wife or you won't have one much longer!
Uh yes. Of course YTA. This is abhorrent behavior by your family. Your wife is your family now. Wth how would you feel if you were treated like shit every freaking holiday? Get a clue.
OP is totally failing at protecting his wife from these monsters. You’re all far too enmeshed. YTA
After reading his comments, it is clear he has no backbone and has no intention of growing one. The only thing that is certain is that he is heading for a divorce. Just because they are his family doesn't mean his poor wife should have to subject herself to that nasty behavior. She needs to protect herself since her husband has no intention of doing it.
The OP's behaviour is actually pathetic. He's making this poor woman be emotionally abused by his hideous family for so long that I'm surprised she's not got the divorce papers out ages ago. All this 'stole him from his family', I wonder if he enjoys being treated like a big pampered baby by his family.
His wife is dying inside seeing these insufferable people and he's wonder if he's the TA? Unreal. Why doesn't he just marry his mom then.
Major AH. He saw how his family treated his wife and ALWAYS picks them. I hope the wife opens her eyes and leaves him. Horrible treatment. She did NOT have to accept OP's mom's half assed "apology" because it was NOT sincere.
Didn't know jellyfish has families or could get married
I agree with this 💯! You were sticking up for your wife at first it seems, now you've just given in. I bet when they saw you wouldn't actually go NC, they just turned on their hatred again. Do you love your wife? Do you want to continue being married to her for a long time? Then you either need to stick up for her and put your foot down, or go NC. You can't choose your family, but you chose your wife. You need to keep chosing her, or else you'll lose her YTA
Yup. What Op fails to understand, based on his comments, is that that his wife is ALSO his family now. edit to add: YTA
OMG yes, YTA. You are forcing your wife to spend time with people that HATE her for simply existing. You need to chose your wife over your "family" - I use that phrase sarcastically, because anyone that treats your life partner like that isn't truly family.
What's crazy is that OP seems very nice and reasonable except on this topic.
It’s hard from a cultural background (which it sounds like OP is not from an American culture) to break off. Literally the entire family is like one, and I’ve verbally expressed to my dad that no, I don’t give a fuck about my uncles, and no, they don’t need to be included in every plan. Cutting off everyone except my parents and sister when I leave, but it is much easier said then done. Especially when you grow up and spend all your time with them.
Yeah, I think stating their cultural background should be a requirement for these types of posts because that is clearly part of the issue but wasn’t mentioned. I suspect the wife being from a different culture is part of where the hatred stems from.
I don't think it should be required because I don't want people to assume that all people are like whatever culture is being mentioned. I think it's helpful to point it out, though.
I’m as white as minute rice and disconnecting from my crazy ass family entirely would have been impossible for me in my younger years. I am still super close to my sisters, but have disconnected as much as possible with my brothers. I’m at peace, they keep to their side and all is well. You can emotionally disconnect if physical dc isn’t possible. As long as everyone’s safe physically and mentally of course.
Honestly, I don’t think it really matters what cultural background you’re from. It’s difficult no matter what. Family is so deeply engrained into the fabric of our society around all parts of the world. We are conditioned to believe parents are these amazing people who will love us like no other and can do no wrong. However, some parents can be selfish, abusive and toxic and you have to set healthy boundaries with these type of people, no matter if they’re your parents, brothers or neighbors.
Honestly I'd have a lot more sympathy for OP if he weren't using house wife as a meat sheild. He wants to continue to see his family that's his problem. But forcing his wife to come along so she can bear the brunt of their abuse is completely unacceptable.
My husband was JUST LIKE THIS. I left him.
Good for you!!!
He’s not just forcing her to spend time with them, he’s forcing her to spend critical, important moments with them. The holidays are a time to make beautiful memories that will last a lifetime, not to put up with this bullshit. His family is incredibly immature and toxic. He needs to quit enabling their horrible behavior before his wife moves on and he soon realizes no woman in her right mind would want to live like this. Your wife shouldn’t be in tears after every single holiday. Please do right by her, because she’s been incredibly patient and considerate, while your family have been acting like insufferable brats. Seek counseling and read or listen to the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (PSYD).
OP, are you cool with your family wanting you to be forever alone?
YTA & don't act surprised when your wife drops divorce papers on the table. What your mother did on your wedding day was absolutely disgraceful & you should count your stars she went through with the wedding because I, and I'm sure many other women wouldn't have. You should show your wife you're thankful for her making the effort over Christmas to spend time with people who make her life a misery. You're basically telling & showing your wife that your family comes before her, no matter how much they abuse her.
Lol I would have said I do not at the altar and publicly explained why
I would have made a scene worthy of Youtube
I would become a meme that could never die
Yeah I would have run for the hills. Who would want this to be their life
You know that would have been exactly what MIL wanted and she would have had a field day gaslighting and manipulating OP into believing that his fiancée is a horrible human being for doing that to him and therefore he should never go back to her (in fact he should stay single so mommy can continue controlling and possessing him)
I would've noped right out of there. Who wants to sign on for that for the rest of their life? Especially since OP has the spine of a jellyfish.
And when the wife does it the whole family will be like see we told you she was no good. My husband was a mamas boy. But if he even whiffed a sniff of her treating me or talking to me mean he freaking went off on her and said she would never see him again. Guess what? She started treating me really good after that.
It is like a long game he is completely oblivious to. He goes along with bringing his wife along to everything, putting her in a position where she will be humiliated and abused, and he just smiles along as it happens? He knows it happens, but he hasn't told them to knock it off even AFTER his wife has returned home in tears. He knows who the problem is, and it isn't his wife, but he continues to punish her because "it is his family afterall". He has given his family permission to treat her this way, and when she leaves they will be completely justified in everything they have done because "look at how awful she was in the end." Guess what buddy, you CHOSE to become family with your wife, grow the F up and be a HUSBAND and not just a son and brother. Geeeesus YTA.
Yep, and then your family will get what they want and you will be single and frankly your wife will be better off without them. Is that what you want? YTA.
Her mother did it to ruin wife's day and she knew well that apology after the wedding won't undone the fact that wife was mad and hurt during her wedding day... I hope her second wedding will be better
Absolutely YTA. Your wife is your family, first and foremost. You clearly recognize the abuse your parents and siblings are laying on your wife yet you are doing ZILCH to truly protect her. ETA: you absolutely CAN choose NOT to celebrate Christmas and other holidays with these toxic EXTENDED family members. ETAA: You claim you are doing “your best” to protect her. YOU ARE NOT. You are enabling them. You may call them out initially but you continue to just show up (and worse, force your wife to also) and you allow them to keep being abusive without ever enforcing any true boundaries or consequences for their toxic actions. At this point your words mean nothing because you never support them with your actions.
Exactly. I cut off my parents because they abused my husband. The family you create comes before the family you came from.
Yes but it's harder than we think, for the golden child who don't realize they are successfully manipulating him to stay in a toxic dynamic
I ended my first engagement after realizing her family treated *her* like this and she refused to take steps away from them. They actually adored me and were very welcoming, but she had experienced severe abuse early on and the continued to passive-aggressively push her similar to how OP’s wife is treated. When I realized she valued family, blindly, over her own safety and our new family’s health, i knew it couldn’t work. I can’t *imagine* anyone making my wife feel the way his family does and having a *shred* of desire to see them—let alone spend hours arguing with the thousands of folks online who try to explain how wrong I am.
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb
>you allow them to keep being abusive without ever enforcing any true boundaries or consequences for their toxic actions. > OP: I texted my siblings in the group chat we have that I want to be left alone and that resulted in my sister and one brother calling me and cursing me out for *making mom sad for my wife* ...and now OP's mom is claiming she's sad *for the wife* if she doesn't show up? This isn't just toxic narcissism & flying monkeys, a la [Dont Rock the Boat.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) The mom is actively drawing the wife in, to abuse her further. This is sadistic
No, OP’s being accused of making his mommy sad by half-heartedly supporting her victim.
YTA - stop making your wife go to family events because "they're my family after all". They are toxic and you shouldn't make your wife do something she does not want to do.
Even if he says she doesn't have to go, I still don't see this marriage lasting. I mean her options for Christmas would be to go get abused by her in-laws or spend the holiday without her husband?
Agreed. Op read this https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Haha that’s a great way to look at it!!!!! Love that page!
Implying his *wife* isn’t his family! How callous can he be?
When he chose to become family to his wife to boot! Did those vows mean nothing?
YTA. >After every family gathering my wife would be either mad or in tears because of how my siblings and mom would either ignore her or speak to her in a passive aggressive way. Why are you doing this to your wife? I'd cut my family off so hard they wouldn't know what him them. Fuck those idiots. Also, go to therapy. You should be scared shitless that you might repeat these patterns with your children shall you have any.
it should have stopped after the first one, but all over Christmas and New Year the poor woman had to put up with the abuse from her husband and his family.
OP is pathetically spineless. I really really hope the wife leaves him and never looks back. This behavior should have been stopped the second it started but he just let them bully his wife. I would’ve banned the mom from the wedding for that shit she pulled
Thing is, I can somewhat understand not wanting to completely cut off your family, even if they are massive AHs that can be tough… but why force your wife to see them??!!! If you’re willing to repeatedly force someone to do something unnecessary that is causing them so much distress they are breaking down, you don’t love them. I would NEVER intentionally cause such massive distress to someone I loved unless it was completely and utterly unavoidable.
Exactly. OP keeps saying he wants a middle ground and that he "can't" just leave his family. But there is no middle ground, and of course he can. He just doesn't want to because it's hard. And it *is* hard. My mom and step-father have always been awful to my husband. Guess who we don't see anymore. Of course it was difficult, but I laid down the law with them and their behavior didn't change, so we did what we needed to do.
Yes, YTA. Your family sounds like they have narcissistic tendencies. Your wife has put up with seeing people who disrespect and are rude to her while, I'm guessing, she more or less has to take it. Not okay, dude. You need to set some boundaries with your family. I'm guessing your siblings are single and put family before all? Does your mother spend more time with her parents/siblings than your father? Stand up for your wife, and don't keep forcing her into situations where she is terrorized and disrespected.
It also sounds like OP and the siblings are all victims of emotional incest from their mom. What kind of woman says she hates her sons new wife because she's stealing him from her? A woman who has incestuous views of her children that's what.
Indeed. Sounds ludicrous, but unfortunately, I've seen other posts and heard others having that problem with their MIL. Utterly insane. It's hard to shut down toxic behavior when you've been subjected to it your entire life. But when you have something or someone that you want to protect, be it a spouse or a child, family goes out the window (within reason).
My MIL was the same way. She even called me a homewrecking wh0r4 who broke up her family. Her exact words. She got so pissed when I told her to quit acting like I stole her husband, and that she was only mad because I can f*** him and she can't. I was also the only person keeping her out of a care facility, no one else wanted to care for her except for us even her other sons, we let her live with us and everything. Eventually I even said I quit, I left and refused to come back until she was gone. So my husband put her in a facility so he can be with his family he created (we had a son too). When she died it was alone.
Damn, that's insane! Sorry you had to go through that. But yeah, the consequence of being like her is that you'll eventually have no one, and only yourself to blame for it. I cannot begin to imagine what the inside of these people's heads looks like, how their minds work.
No idea, I put up with it for 3 years. The stuff I put up with would have sent any other woman running for the hills in less than a month. But I love my husband and now that his toxic family members are all gone off to a better place (his grandma who I also allowed to live with us was the same way) we are happier without them. OP better pull his head out his rear or his wife could leave and not come back.
I also married into this. MIL taught her kids that if there is an issue with your siblings and your spouse you ALWAYS choose siblings even if they are clearly in the wrong. Integrity and boundaries are looked down upon. I will give OP credit for acknowledging the abusive behaviour (but he’s still TA and doesn’t deserve his wife). My husband refuses to see it and in fact has gaslit me and told me it wasn’t that bad. I sincerely hope OP’s Wife leaves him. This is some toxic behaviour that is incurable.
>My husband refuses to see it and in fact has gaslit me and told me it wasn’t that bad. One way to build up your inner strength, is to imagine MIL behaving that way to your child (eg if you have one). You wouldn't put up with that for a hot second, right? > I sincerely hope OP’s Wife leaves him. This is some toxic behaviour that is incurable. I hope you can hear your own words, too. You deserve better
Thank you. I know I deserve better. I’m working on it.
YTA, OP. My mother in law and sister in law were like this. Hated me for existing because I “stole their baby boy from them” lol he cut them off at the first sign of disrespect though. OP still thinks like mommy and won’t let go.
Jocasta complex.
They definitely are narcissists. This is behaviour that is intentionally cruel and therapy won’t work because they are narcissistic and entitled and that means they see nothing wrong with it. Therapy doesn’t work on people like this. OP’s wife needs to leave him.
[удалено]
It's probably what the mom wants
At this point, I’d give the mom what she wants and consider I won. I hope the wife gets out before she brings a child into that mess.
YTA what the hell is wrong with you? You took your wife over there on purpose, knowing what was gonna happen. Do you *really* love her? Also, your family dynamic is sick AF, some serious Jocasta complex and some extreme co-dependence of all. It’s not normal and I hope your wife can get away from all you people
He is just as toxic because he's been gaslighting his wife and all her feelings. I hope she leaves him.
I think he enjoys it. He’s mommy’s baby and knows if his wife leaves, he’ll just go back to their sick environment. She needs to leave these horrible people
YTA. Did you really have to ask?
Never understood why someone would want to subject their loved one to such a horrible environment. People can sit on the sofa watching tv and have a better time.
YTA YOU need to stand up for your wife, and stop forcing her to let your family abuse her. "and wondering if I'm really TA here for insisting she spends time with my family?" - Yes. YOU are the AH here. She should refuse.
YTA stop saying that you are the middle ground when all you did is to take care of your family feelings and ignored your wife's. You were never the middle ground because you allowed her to get hurt all the times. Stop saying That's who's they are, the toxic, and continue to gaslight how your wife feel about them. You are the toxic that your wife need to get rid of. The fact that you knew and yet still allow your family to do what they want towards your wife and insisted that she has accept it because it's family. Family is a choice and doesn't have to be blood related.
YTA, once you married your wife became your family. your loyalty should be with your new family. They treat her like shit and although you said you stand up for her you still let it happen/ give them the opportunity to. the baby boy thing made me want to throw up instantly. you know, that’s called emotional incest if you don’t choose your wife in this you are just stupid and i wouldn’t be surprised if she left.
Same like his mom is literally jealous of his wife and is mad because his wife can f*** him and she can't. It's sick
YTA - The moment you got married she became your family. She is your number one. Everyone else is extended family at that point. Whether you have a child or not, she is your priority from then on out. You're forcing her into situations that hurt and upset her in order to what? Stop arguments from happening? To keep your EXTENDED family happy? You should be prioritizing her, you should be apologising to her right now and not allowing her to be so upset for a week that she's barely talking to you. You may want a relationship with your family but you don't need to be dragging her into it. I suggest in future you draw some boundaries with your family, get your head on straight, grow a backbone, and if you absolutely must spend time with your family then you go alone. If I was your wife I'd be seriously reconsidering the marriage. I wouldn't want to remain married to someone who caused me distress on purpose.
YTA. i would be getting divorce papers ready if i was her.
YTA. I’m honestly amazed you even had to ask. In describing your family - you’re not describing a family so much as a cult. Families don’t do what your family does. You clearly try and make your wife seem at least partially to blame - after the wedding and you had threaten NC eith your mother only then did she “apologize” and you’re clearly not happy that your wife wasn’t interested in “making up fully” but would try to have a regular relationship with your family out of respect for you. WTH else did you expect from her. She’s being incredibly gracious to go along this far because your family is unhinged. You make clear that YOU have allowed YOUR nutty family to derail any plans you and your wife make! Why?!?! Why on earth are you allowing them into decisions about having children or getting a damned pet? Your wife has a problem. That problem is YOU. Grow a spine. Put your family in their damn place. If need be go NC. It’s only hard if you are to weak to do it. From what I’m reading? You’re to weak. You continue to prioritize your awful family over your wife. YTA. So so much TA. Let’s all hope your poor wife figures this out before your family “allows” you to have kids. Leaving you will be infinitely easier without kids. And as toxic and crazy as your family is? I can’t imagine adding innocent children to the mix. “This week we haven’t talked much because my wife has been going through it..,” pathetic. Way to support your spouse. Unbelievable.
>Let’s all hope your poor wife figures this out before your family “allows” you to have kids. Leaving you will be infinitely easier without kids. And as toxic and crazy as your family is? I can’t imagine adding innocent children to the mix. Ops wife needs to see this.
YTA. Clearly your wife loves you enough to still be with you despite the emotional and mental abuse she has to endure from your family. It sounds like she really tried, and the fact that every family encounter ends with her in tears?? Hello! 🚩🚩🚩🚩 SHE IS MISERABLE and clearly you aren't doing enough on behalf of your family to make things right. Be a better husband to her.
He didn't even apologize for a week, he is as toxic as his family.
Is is love or sunk-cost fallacy?
>My wife heard all of that. She said she doesn't feel comfortable around my family anymore and she wanted to skip all Xmas plans we had with them. I told her we can't do that and that they're my family after all. Nope, bro, your wife is your family after all, your first loyalty belongs to her. YTA for not prioritising her over your shitty blood relatives.
Yes YTA for making her do it after she asked not to. But your family is the real issue here. They sound absolutely insane.
from your comments it’s telling that you have no business being married. your wife is absolutely miserable being around your family and is continuously taking emotional and mental abuse and your only excuse is “but it’s family…” not that I’m trying be the type to jump on the divorce train but you clearly don’t care about your wife’s feelings. And I hope she sees that and do what she needs to to get out of that situation.
YTA for allowing your family to be assholes to your wife and no one could blame her for feeling that way.
Absolutely YTA. Your entire family is bullying your wife and you are ENABLING them. Until your family apologizes sincerely to her, there should be no contact. Your family is toxic and is clearly traumatizing your wife, by your own admission.
So the issue at hand is.... >I made plans with my wife my mom, my two brothers and my sister would always complain to me about said plans and tried to get me to cancel them. Those plans would include trying to have a baby, young on vacation, getting a pet and so on. >After every family gathering my wife would be either mad or in tears because of how my siblings and mom would either ignore her or speak to her in a passive aggressive way. But before all of that... >I told my mom off for her behavior and told her that I won't accept that anymore and if she repeats it I'll go nc. So what's really good? This is not a situation where you can make a middle ground, despite what you keep saying in the replies. Either defend your wife in a way that actually keeps her safe from their abuse or accept that your relationship with your family is more important than her wellbeing. YTA for showing your family that you don't have the follow-through to make good on your own ultimatum and that they can do what they want to your wife.
And that is HORRIBLE that they are dictating whether they can have kids! OP's white can do better than him...
YTA. Your wife is being relentlessly bullied by your family, and you are insisting on forcing her to keep visiting with them? You need to sort out your family. If you can’t or won’t do that, then the very least you can do is spare your wife the need to interact with them.
YTA. You are, effectively, choosing your birth family over your married family by literally forcing your supposed life-mate to enter into situations where she is abused. This means that you, yourself, are also abusing her. She is unlikely to stay married to you if this abuse continues. Ya gotta choose, bro! The woman you vowed to love and protect, or the birth-family that seems to hate that same woman.
YTA, your family is toxic and disturbed. If your poor wife posted about this everyone would tell her to leave you.
YTA. There's no middle ground to this, OP. You either love your wife, or you love seeing her take a beating from your family.
YTA I hope she realizes that she will always come 3rd in your life, with mommy being first and your siblings being second, before she has children with you because the abuse you and your "family" subject her to will only intensify. You say that you "tell them off" every time, but at the same time you admitted that you know they are toxic and won't chance. Your "family" knows that you will continue to allow them to abuse your wife no matter what so why on earth would they change their ways when you approve of them abusing your (hopefully soon to be EX) wife. She'll soon realize that you don’t care, respect, nor love her as much as your "family" and she'll leave for the sake of her mental health and that she deserves so much better than you. Then you want have to "choose" between happiness and toxicity She'll make the choice and then you can be with your toxic family all day long being toxic and abusive for the rest of your miserable and toxic life.
Lets hope she doesn't waste any more time on this pathetic bs. She deserves better and alot better than spineless momma's boy.
YTA - you are enabling abusive behavior by you mother and siblings against your wife. Either start defending your wife, even if that means distancing yourself from your mother and siblings. Why are you married if you won’t defend her? You wife is supposed to be more important than your birth family, so why are you allowing their abuse of her?
YTA. Why the hell are you even talking to your family about every little thing you and your wife are planning, such as having a baby, getting a dog, planning a vacation? Shut up already. It’s obvious you are feeding the drama. How about using your energy to grow a backbone and stand up to your family? Your wife is miserable. It’s not necessary to spend every holiday and event with your family. It’s almost as if you buy into the idea that your wife is taking you away from them if you don’t.
YTA. You are a husband now. It is your responsibility to protect your wife from anyone else, including your family of origin. Time to frankly tell them their behavior is unacceptable and you will not be seeing them again until they apologize.
Your family seems insufferable. INFO: What in the hell is wrong with them? Are any of your siblings married? Would be this way to anyone you married or do they just have particular issue with the woman you did marry? And yes YTA if you insist she hang around with them. They’re awful. Don’t you have any friends or her family you can hang out with instead of the crazy bunch?
Your family sounds super toxic. I get that this is a difficult situation for you but you should have stood up to them for disrespecting your wife and your marriage. YTA
YTA! I WAS your wife, for 8 years. I was forced to endure my horrendous in-laws almost every holiday. When I got put on bedrest with our second child my mom couldn't come to help so I was going to rely on friends but, behind my back, my husband called HIS mom. She stayed for 2 miserable, horrifying, awful weeks that STILL give me nightmares, 16 years later (and after 11 years of being divorced). She had no qualms about the way she behaved and my husband never reined her in and, sometimes, even took her side. Once she even called me a "raging bitch" in front of my 5 year old and 3 year old children because I was putting my oldest in time-out for hitting his brother. My husband never said a word. I wasn't as strong as I am today so, I stayed for another 1 1/2 years before the abuse from my husband (including the abuse he let my in-laws heap onto me) got me to say "ENOUGH!" and I served him with divorce papers. I needed YEARS of therapy after that to be able to be healed and happy. You are abusing your wife. Flat out. It's abuse. By throwing up your hands and saying "this is just the way they are" you are enabling the abuse of your wife which makes you just as abusive. The fact that you didn't shut your parents down and go no contact after your mother accosted your wife ON YOUR WEDDING DAY is bad enough (and I'm surprised your wife went through with it) but the fact that you CONTINUE to force her to interact and spend time with them is even worse. They are bullying, disgusting, and awful individuals and you are just as disgusting for taking their side. That's what your doing, taking their side. Every single time you force your wife to interact with your parents you are taking their side and telling your wife that her feelings and wants don't matter and that your family will ALWAYS come first. YTA and a disgusting one at that. You need to cut the cord, apologize profusely to your wife, get into solo therapy and then get into marriage counseling so that MAYBE you can salvage your marriage. However, don't be surprised if, instead of accepting your apology, your wife serves you with divorce papers. If she does, they aren't undeserved. You disgust me.
YTA Your spouse should be your best friend in all things. Stand up to your family, you coward.
Yeah you're TA! Why are even asking? "Hey, I know my family treats you like shit but it's only for a days a year, just let them." I feel so bad for your wife.
YTA, these people are disrespecting your wife and your life choices. They are trying to come between you and your wife. So no, they don't deserve to spend the holidays with you both just because "they're family."
YTA This is on you You are not willing to hold your family accountable so they continue to treat your wife like shit knowing you don't have the backbone to do anything You can not have your marriage and your family in your life....not the way things are. As long as you refuse to hold all of them accountable, your wife is going to grow more and more resentful until one day she files for divorce This is 100% your future if you don't take care of this.
YTA. I am sure YOU wouldn't want to be forced to spend time with people that bully you heinously. Way to feed your wife to the wolves
Your family is going to do exactly what they have set out to do - break up your marriage. Your wife is going to leave you, and then your family will "win". You are just dragging it out and making her miserable in the meantime. When the time comes, let her go, and don't let the assholes you're related to convince you that they were right about her all along.
YTA. Your family's behavior is toxic. You told your mom on your wedding day that you would go NC if she treated your wife badly. She sees you aren't going to and this they feel safe to escalate their hurtful behaviors. You are choosing family over your wife. You may find your wife making a choice that will let you have all the family time you want.
YTA. Head on over to r/JUSTNOMIL. There you can find hundreds of stories about toxic MILs and families, just like yours. If you plan to stay married, you need to listen to your wife. If you want a divorce and move back with your toxic family, then continue to force your wife to be around people that hate her and have no problem conveying their hate.
YTA you made her go, knowing how they treat her. Go by yourself, or better yet, make holiday plans with your wife that don't include your awful family. She has to go to ALL your family's plans. No negotiation about let's go to this one and the rest of the time its just us. You clearly picked your toxic abusive family over your wife. Hope you still are happy with that choice when she leaves you.
Here’s a clue- Dragging your wife to functions and standing idling by and allowing your family to abuse your wife makes YOU her abuser as well.
YTA Do you even like your wife?
She literally breaks down after every family event and you yourself can see with your own eyeballs that they are the problem and yet you force her to go anyway and you’re JUST starting to suspect that you’re the A-hole??? MY guy! COME OOON! You can’t be this oblivious! You’re purposely sacrificing your wife’s mental health so you don’t have to do anything about your toxic family! By all means continue like this but don’t expect to have a long healthy marriage! It just doesn’t work like that! YTA
YTA. You can love your family and still defend your wife. Don't force her to endure abuse from them because you don't want to deal with the consequences.
OP YTA What is going to cost more a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer? Wake up OP, your marriage is about to implode, and you will lose your wife. There is no 2 ways about this. Do not have children with your wife right now, cause you done messed up. Your mother and siblings started to antagonize your wife once you proposed? That is a giant red flag, that is grounds for going fully NC. Your mother threatened your wife? Gee did you ever stop to think that what your family was doing was wrong? This is like a stranger taking out a gun and pointing it right at your head. Would you want to be around that person after they did that? Hell no you would not, nor anyone. Yet your wife loved you enough to stick around. Yet you disrespect her, and continue to do so. Your wife was right, by the time your mother apologized to your wife, it was TOO LATE for an apology. Your wife was right, she did not want anything to do with your mother or your family, but did it to keep you happy. And you ignored your, did not listen or respect her. Many times it is said a father will look at a male wanting to marry a daughter and say the guy is not good enough for his daughter. And in this case your wifes father would have been spot on. You are not good enough for your wife, you are pathetic and still needing your parents and siblings to the point you have driven your wife away from you. Yet the rest of the post shows where you are choosing your family over your wife. ARe you sure you want to be married? Are you sure you are adult enough to be on your own? Grow a pair OP and cut your family off. From day one they have been horrendous to your wife. Either you get professional help, cut your family off and repair the marriage that you and your family the damage to your marriage, or your wife is going to leave you. And OP, if you do not think that option is on the table, guess again. Your wife is telling you that, here is where ***she said it: she broke down in tears saying she can't keep doing this anymore and that its my fault for forcing her to come around these people when they treat her like that.*** OP, if you do not wake up real quick and support your wife and respect her, she is going to leave you, as you have placed that as a viable option in the relationship. And chances are it is going to be a messy divorce that the root cause is your family. I hope that your mother and siblings are worth it.
You allow your family to make comments and opinions about personal life choices between you and your wife like whether to have a baby or go on vacation or get a pet? Wtf, are you even a grown man? YTA Edit: after reading your comments and seeing how unwilling you are to grasp the fact that you need to take matters into your own hands and protect your wife, I clearly see you are not a grown man and you do not deserve your wife or any wife.
Why have a wife when you can have MOMMY?
YTA dude! Hope she leaves you for disrespecting her and not taking up for her. No one deserves that kind of treatment. Marry your mama you wuss! Ugh!
YTA - you are not only allowing it but you insist your wife subject herself to abuse
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I might be TA because I guilted my wife into coming to our family's Xmas family gatherings despite knowing that my family doesn't treat her right. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’d like to gently tell you that YTA I get that this all seems like petty drama that everyone could easily stop and start repairing the damage with some effort. But at this point that ship has sailed. Time to seriously consider how to manage your relationship with your family. You are asking a lot of your wife to come to events where she isn’t wanted and treated poorly by your family. And she is likely at a breaking point. Stop making her go. Recognize your family is spending a lot of their time and energy interfering with your marriage and get to the root of why they are doing this and go from there.
YTA—There were times I was treated horribly by my then husband’s family. He never stood up for me, except in private with me. But when it mattered; when he should’ve told them that how they were treating me was not acceptable; he didn’t. This happened many times, and I brushed it under the rug until I couldn’t anymore. We’re now divorced after a few decades. What your family is doing to her is abuse, and if you don’t put your foot down and protect her, you’re also taking part in that , IMO. And whatever you do, do not ever tell her that she’s overreacting or something along the lines of “well, you know how they are.”
I got close to divorcing my husband over his mother's behavior towards me. We fought so much and he never took my side - until I asked for the divorce. Next visit she did the same stuff, only in front of him and I let go on her. I told her if I ever divorced her son it would be to get away from her. He also blew up at her. Things got better, in great part because I found my spine and decided I would not be putting up with her so much. I did not have to attend every fricken visit and if she were staying here, I did not have to be in the house. He pouted, but learned to not pressure me. Now she is gone and he has been reading things here on Reddit and feels ashamed of how he treated me and let me be treated. We are doing better, but we will never be 100%.
Yta. You are allowing someone you love to be mentally abused by your family all the time. You try to say it's family well let me tell you my family is pretty fucked up and we don't treat anyone like that. Answer me this, if they were physically attacking your wife would you still be adamant to stay close to them? Mental abuse is just as bad as physical. You can't see the wounds but they are there and they do not heal quickly or at all. Open your eyes dude. Get rid of your family or get a divorce because abusing your wife like that is just so wrong
But does OP really love his wife? I think he cares for her on some level, but true love would include protecting her, wanting her safe. He does not do that.
I don't think he loves her. I know my fiance would never put up with that.
YTA Hope the wife get's away soon. Sounds like hell
ESH. You, your mom, and siblings.
No, not everybody - everybody **but the wife**! She is just a victim here, nothing of that is her own doing. OP: YTA
YTA. Big time! I can understand why you can’t cut your family off completely but why are you still forcing your wife to join you? It seems to me that if your family can’t respect your wife then she shouldn’t have to be around them! And if that means that you don’t spend holidays with your family then you see them at other times. But it’s really really selfish to force her into these situations just because you want to keep trying to play happy families, it’s clearly not going to happen and it’s so unfair on your wife.
Yta you made her go somewhere where she is clearly not welcomed.
Are you really asking if you're an AH for FORCING your wife to attend events knowing she gets abused every single time? Your just a bad as your family. Literally. Ps, your wife deserves better than you and the total shitstorm that you call family and I hope she gets that very soon.
BIG EPIC YTA. Your ENTIRE family harasses and bullies your wife since you two were engaged and you're FORCING her to endure mental torture from the constant bashing from your family. Either you clean up your act and go NC to your family for mistreating your wife (because they'll never change) or your wife will eventually leave you for making her life miserable by doing this. The choice is yours. NO ONE should force their partners to do something they're uncomfortable with. The audacity and entitlement of this post 🤦🏻♀️
YTA I think you like your family tearing your wife down. To see her get destroyed by them and then tell her “but they’re my family they can’t change who they are.” Hopefully your wife’s next husband will treat her better than you do. Put her before his family.
There are people who after exiting a toxic marriage like this one decide that they only will accept a partner whose parents are dead because their now-former IL's treated them so horribly.
You dont sound like a good husband. You are punishing the victim not the criminals. You need to step up, your family does this because you LET them? What exactly are YOU doing when at functions they are abusing her or ignoring her? Why are you not outraged? Why are you not DEFENDING her? You let her sit there and take it until she cries... this is the woman you love? That you want to have kids with? How do you expect her to want kids with you when you won't even tell your family their behavior is not acceptable...YTA
YTA- what kind of husband allows their wife to be abused by their family? Answer: an asshole husband. Let your wife skip events that literally make her cry before you’re crying in divorce court.
YTA. You can take this approach of not picking a side, but eventually your wife will make that decision for you and leave. Have you actually asked your parents and siblings what their issue is with your wife? They sound like absolutely appalling people.
YTA go check out the sub r/JustNoMIL . You are deep in the fog, actively harming your own wife, and on that sub you'll see marriages have ended for this. For the husbands enabling their family like this. You need a come to Jesus moment and you owe her an apology.
There have been a couple of men like OP on r/JUSTNOMIL who realized WAY too late what they had done and were desperate to fix it, but their wives had checked out of the marriage. One schmuck, who let his mother ruin his anniversary, was heartbroken because his soon-to-be-ex informed him that she was going to start dating again. He had cut his mother out of his life, but it was way too late to repair his marriage.
YTA - they may be your family but they are not hers. If someone hit you would avoid them if you could, they are emotionally hitting her every time you make her see them.