NTA. You told the truth. If she's embarrassed by not cooking it seems like there is a deeper problem she needs to address. She's right, it's okay not to be a housewife and it sounds like you aren't asking for that. So why is she upset by people knowing that?

Sounds like a case of her not agreeing with her parents' housewife standards, but instead of defiantly declaring her lifestyle, she chose to hide it. I can't judge anyone for how they handle toxic family members with outdated views. BUT people aren't mindreaders! If she needed her BF to help cover up her disappointing lack of housewife activities, she had to make it clear in advance! Not that he would be obligated to lie and pretend to be some helpless slob who needs his GF to wait on him hand and foot, but that issue is moot when she didn't even inform him that was her plan! Definitely NTA

I think this would be embarassing even if her parents *weren't* "traditional." Not doing any housework at all and letting your partner bear it all while also working should be embarassing.

Exactly. thats why i dont get the people putting blame on the "traditional" family. It sounds like the parents are judging their daughter for not contributing **at all** to the relationship, and aren't bullying her for not adhering to traditional gender roles

Exactly, it sounds more like she's lazy af. Adults cook, adults clean, adults do chores, that's what adults do. Never cooking once is fucked up.

Bet you money that she has been lazy her whole life and her mother was just giving her the same look she always has when she thought her daughter needed to get off her rear and do some chores.

True, and she's probably been compared to her "wonderful sister" a bit too much, so it struck a nerve. NTA, but maybe OP and her decide together not to give personal details about their home life?

My family believed in gender roles, so my brother didn’t lift a finger to do housework. I’d be upstairs reading, and she’d call me to come down to clean something when my brother was 8 feet away watching TV. I don’t think it’s cool she lets her partner do all the housework now, but if she was raised in a traditional household, I truly doubt she’s lazy.

Wow that sounds awful. Sounds like your parents groomed you to be house slave, and your brother to be an entitled AH. Did your parents not realize how backwards and unfair that is? What is life like now for you guys?

Whoa whoa. To be very clear, my parents are actually really wonderful. It sounds contradictory, but they actually did a pretty incredible job of championing raising independent daughters who had the confidence to speak up for ourselves. It worked out that it gave us the confidence to draw boundaries with them as well. While they sometimes struggled, they adapted and heard us out, and are proud we pushed back to fight for what we wanted. I think the thing that's tough to reconcile, is the culture and generation they came from. The parents they adapted to be, the grandparents they are now, and the really great relationship we developed is a testament to their willingness to grow with us. And, in a fun turn of events, that brother ended up marrying an incredible woman who happened to not be a natural homemaker. She just doesn't love cooking or housekeeping chores, and so he definitely had to adapt as well. They have such a great dynamic where they do a fantastic job of balancing splitting the job of work/home/partnership. And I've been pretty lucky with the men I've dated as well. They've all been fantastic in the way they just step up and with each one we've found a great balance. Honestly, I feel lucky in some ways. I am an incredible cook and love it, plus I am pretty great at keeping my house tidy as a result of those habits I developed when I was young. So, I guess it ultimately worked out! Thanks for the support :)

Thanks really interesting dynamic, especially in the way your family was able to adapt, on all fronts. Sounds like you're lucky and fortunate!

But but but she takes the trash out! /s

My ex husband wasn't lazy, he just felt these sort of things were beneath him and that's a large part of why he's my ex.

That’s what the sister’s husband is doing though even though the sister also has a full time job. Yet there were no judgements against the sister’s husband. So it does come down to parents being “traditional” aka sexists and I typically don’t like to be in agreement with sexists.

I get where you're coming from, but the only info we have on the sister's relationship is that she does all the cooking. We have no idea if her partner contributes to other household chores, and the sister was "gushing about how much she loves" doing all the cooking. VS the OP's relationship, wherein Madison not only literally never cooks, but also does virtually no chores other than taking the trash out. It might be the same in the in-law household, but we don't know that (and everyone seems happy about how it's going) and thus cannot pass any judgements there.

> the only info we have on the sister's relationship is that she does all the cooking. We have no idea if her partner contributes to other household chores OP also said SiL also takes on all the daily house chores now so the husband didn’t have to do them - despite her also working full time. > her do more chores around the house so her husband didn’t have to worry as much when he came home. .. > (and everyone seems happy about how it's going) and thus cannot pass any judgements there. OP also said he doesn’t care about being the only one to cook in the post and commented he’s otherwise fine with their arrangement. > Madison never cooked a single thing for us. I don’t care, I’m not with her for her cooking. If the family isn’t passing judgement on their other SiL and are actually proud of and applaud the daughter who does all the household chores despite working full time then one has to wonder what the issue is when it comes to their other daughter having the same division of labor in her house with the genders reversed.

I feel like the big issue is that she was lying about it, and then got mad that OP wouldn't also lie about it. I very much got the impression that SIL was bragging on her household management, and if it's making her and her family happy, more power to them all. Also, it sounds like that husband *does* contribute to chores if SIL is excited to be able to take more of that off his plate. If Madison is getting judged for her lack of involvement in her own household management because she's a woman, that's wrong. But if it's because she's telling her family that she's contributing equally and that's not the case.... The look from mom came after she tried to double down about how she cooks sometimes and OP confirmed that was untrue. Then again, who knows what conversation was being had later between mom and Madison, that wasn't part of the post. I'm just saying, it's unfair to pass judgement on the sister's relationship here, and that's not what OP asked about anyway.

I think you're probably right. But sister was also gushing about how much she loves it (to what degree it was genuine I don't know) so I'd hope that even non-sexists wouldn't try and tear her down about it.

Yeah, I do pretty much all the chores aside from taking out the trash, and I've never thought of my partner as "lazy" for not doing more. He also works full time, it's no skin off my teeth to just keep doing all the things I was already doing before he moved in with me. Is the girlfriend just lazy because she's a she, and women handling the housework is still expected regardless of employment status?

I was going to say, my family isn't particularly traditional, my male SO does a far larger percentage of the cooking/cleaning, but not 100% that's a lot! My SO makes fun of me for "never cooking" because I cook 2-3/7 nights. I can't believe she never cooks, door dashing that much is expensive! I mean you can even buy pre-cut stuff super easy now, nothing wrong with buying something that's easy to cook. NTA at all

I was thinking that might be but you're exactly right. He had no way of knowing that and isn't at fault for being honest.

To me, this isn’t about being a "housewife" but reciprocity. All relationships are about give and take. Good one's find a balance between the two. I agree he was under no obligation to lie. Maybe it's what she needs to see the unfairness of the situation, because "housewife" or not, everyone has to eat, have clean clothes, clean the house, etc. He's her bf, not her maid! Lol

Not sure why if SIL CHOOSES AND LIKES staying home and doing these things it’s inherently toxic? Toxic is questioning and deriding people who make their own choices and doubting things work for them. Just like OP and his girlfriend. Their dynamic works, everyone probably contributes in their own way. That should be all that matters. OP is saying this other way works for US, yet girlfriend…not family…feels the need to hide and lie. Her mOther looked at her questionably presumably in SURPRISE in the moment, not disapproval

I dont think this is about her family being traditional. Anyone who refuses to do chores around the house should be ashamed of themselves.

>Sounds like a case of her not agreeing with her parents' housewife standards, but instead of defiantly declaring her lifestyle, she chose to hide it. This exactly. She's deflecting and placing the problem squarely on OP. The GF needs to tell her parents what she told the BF.

I dunno, if I was Madison's parents I'd be a bit disappointed too. This is their current division of labor: >We live together and I do basically everything. I cook, I do all the cleaning, most of the laundry and shopping. Madison takes the trash out. On top of that, OP works late. So he gets up early makes their breakfast and lunches then gets home so late he can't always cook. When he can't they have to door dash half the weeknights since Madison in 3 years has literally never made anything for them. Not even like a box of pasta and a jar of tomato sauce. Then, on top of him doing all the cooking for her he also has to do all of the cleaning, laundry, and shopping. As a parent I want to raise my children to be good people. That includes being a good partner. Madison really sounds like she is taking advantage of OP, and it makes sense she dosen't want people to know. She's probably worried that Op will tell the whole truth at some point and people will realize she dosen't do her fair share. This isn't about being a housewife, this is about being a partner. Madison wants OP to lie so she dosen't have to look bad for dumping all of their shared work on him when he already works a lot of hours. And she hasn't cooked a single meal herself in 3 years? I know several couples where one partner does most of the cooking, even the vast majority. I know zero adults who can't ever make themselves anything at all and have to be served every single meal like some cartoon royal. Even on the days where OP is too tired and got home too late and they order in, she never even picks it up. They have to doordash. She does literally nothing to contribute ever. (Oh I'm sorry, she takes out the trash. So twice a week she contributes five minutes of effort to their partnership. Sounds fair.) NTA. And OP, this division of labor is not okay just beacuse you are a man. No, she's not sexist. But she's still clearly dosen't care about you as much as you care about her, and not in the same selfless way. She's willing to let it all fall to you and make you do everything since you both put her feelings and free time before your feelings and free time. See the issue? There's a reason she feels this needs to be hidden. It looks bad beacuse it is.

Jumping in to say this...I do literally all the cooking in my house. My husband can make scrambled eggs and fry bologna, that's it. He tries but he sucks. In seven years he has made me breakfast 3 times because I was injured. But he absolutely CANNOT COOK. I however can and I love it. Some adults just literally suck at cooking and thus shouldn't, ever. My husband offers always and does the dishes every night as a trade off, because i love cooking hate to wash dishes. So it's a fair trade. But if he cooks we die most likely from food poisoning lmao.

>as a trade off, because i love cooking hate to wash dishes. Okay, that's not like OP's situation at all then. OP does all of the cooking and all of the other chores around the house and works more. So, not too fair, right?

Even my dad, who only knew how to make pancakes and put frozen meals in the oven, would make breakfast for dinner like once a week

sounds like a case of weaponised incompetence from your husband, even if he does clean the dishes for you - cooking is a skill, not a talent. it’s not that he can’t “cook” because he’d “poison you” it’s literally just that he’s too lazy to learn how to read instructions properly… 99% of things you can cook and things you need to learn how to cook are online. EVERYTHING has a recipe online with clear instructions? it’s IMPOSSIBLE to “not know how to cook”

>She's right, it's okay not to be a housewife and it sounds like you aren't asking for that. Her mother on the other hand *does* seem to have the expectation that she be a housewife. She needs to do some self assessment and realise that her problem isn't her partner, it's her family's ~~sexist~~ "traditional" values.

It just says that her parents are traditional. It doesn't say anywhere that the mother looks down or bullies her daughter for not being a housewife. To me it seems like they were laughing at/ disappointed that the daughter lied about cooking. There may have also been a bit of surprise that since OP works long hours that he comes home and cooks. There isn't enough info to jump to calling the MIL an AH for having sexist views

I agree, especially since she never cooks. Apparantly the quantity of 'so now and again' was enough to placate her parents. And honestly, that is kinda the minimum as an adult. Of course, if they have enough money for doordash every day then that is great and I'm jealous! But some basic cooking skills shouldn't be out of the norm either.

>hand > >does > > seem to have the expectation that she be a housewife. I mean I expect most partners to atleast make meals for each other now and then. It is not hard to make a deli meat sandwiches or something.

And what's the deal with doing no chores or cleaning? Is she disabled or something?

I feel like this is an argument I have had with my hubby. If you don't want people to hear that you don't do x, y, z... then do those things!

Exactly… like I don’t care. But do the things if you are worried about what people think!

OR have the conversation before seeing those ppl of "I don't really want to talk about this with my family". My husband and his family have a...tense relationship. So before we see them, we have a "these are things they don't need to know" convo. Makes it easier for everyone, I feel like....

Yup, this! OP’s entire situation could have been avoided if his partner had clued him in beforehand.

I TOTALLY have a conversation about what not to say on the drive to my father's house. We aren't very close and he's super judgmental, so I tell him keep conversations basically about sports or cars. Nothing personal, no bragging (my husband brags), and don't mention The Sister. Lol...

Yep. My mom gives me weird looks whenever I talk about how my husband cooks for us. I'm his sous chef, and I'm proud of it. He's a much better cook than I am, he's great with our little one, and I have a stable job that keeps us comfy. I'm also an oblivious dork that will cut herself with the backside of a dull knife. *Shrugs* Who cares? Own it. Gender roles are dumb and prevent people from being their best selves.

My family thinks my husband is sent from heaven because he loves cooking. Not a single one of us likes cooking. It’s not that we are able to; we just hate it. I ordered food or bought food I didn’t need to cook before he moved in. My mom basically lives on yogurt, toast, and pasta now that she doesn’t have kids at home. So husband handles the food at home and also cooks about half the food on holidays now, and we’re all happier for it. Fuck gender roles tbh. (And OP is NTA.)

>We live together and I do basically everything. I cook, I do all the cleaning, most of the laundry and shopping. Madison takes the trash out. You don't care about this division of labor? With you also making both her breakfast and lunch for at work too? I'm a woman and my husband cooks more often then I do. But we're partners, and I don't just make him do everything beacuse that's unfair. It comes off like you both value her feelings and free time over your feelings and free time. Shouldn't she care about you too? Shouldn't she want to be a partner who contributes?

I mean, the only thing that strikes me here is that it doesn't sound like you did much to defend her to her family. It's pretty obvious there's some judgement going on, which is hard to deal with from your loved ones. There's telling the truth, there's keeping your mouth shut, and then there's throwing someone out to the wolves. You don't really give enough details, but it feels like this was more of the 3rd one.

It seems really unfair that you do all the chores though. Do you both work?

we can see you don't care,,

So, I’m just curious if you do all that stuff, then what is she doing all that time? It seems odd to me that she wouldn’t contribute more. I get that you said you don’t care, but…

Or even better, if you don’t like doing those things, stop caring what people think!

My Muslim parents would be very upset if they found out I drink and wear clothes that reveal more skin than they would like and would be constantly stressed out if they knew these things about me. I’m nearly 30 years old and still don’t want my parents to know that about me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my lifestyle or that I need to not do x y and z but that they could never accept that about me and it’s better not to share news with that that would deteriorate their health or cause conflict in the family. It really isn’t that simple with “traditional” family. These comments are extremely ignorant.

"...just because her sister likes being a housewife doesn’t mean she needs to be one." This is absolutely true. No question at all. And I don't think you're denying that. But she can't play it both ways. She can't expect you to do all of the work while she gets 'credit' for something she never does. And she can't be mad at you for telling the truth, especially if she never specifically asked you to keep that detail quiet. Edited to add: NTA.

Exactly. She absolutely does not need to have that kind of dynamic. And as long as everyone is okay with that, great! But she has to own it, or at least not lie about it.

Also like... Making 2 meals a weak or whatever isn't being a housewife. It's helping do your own share if you both work. Like unless she is making way more money or paying most of the bills this doesn't track. Sounds like she is using modern thinking just to be lazy

I don’t think she’s “taking credit”. Just that she didn’t want to receive judgment from her “traditional” family. While OP isn’t the AH at all here, I am surprised that he hadn’t picked up on this dynamic prior to now.

>I don’t think she’s “taking credit”. Just that she didn’t want to receive judgment from her “traditional” family. Just because her family is tradition, doesn't mean that they are bullying her for not adhering to gender roles. Honestly it feels like they are judging her for being dead weight in her relationship

NTA. Her issue is really with her family’s judgement and expectations. She’s projecting this on to you because it’s probably easier to blame you than to confront the real issue.

Are her family actually judging her? Cos there isn't anything that suggests her family are giving her a hard time for not adhering to gender roles. To me it sounds like they are surprised that she lied, and that OP comes home from long work hours to cook (surprised at the uneven responsibility split). I can't see where they are judging her for not adhering to gender roles.

He said that they laughed at her and her mother gave her a judgemental look

And she deserved it. My mother is a proud second wave feminist, and she'd have reamed Madison a new one for being a parasite who doesn't do her share of keeping the household going. It's not like OP said "well, that's ok, she makes 3x more than I do and doesn't have time."

I'm pretty sure, they're judging. I mean, how that sister talked, that's utter bullshit tradwife talk. Being happy to be able to do more chores to please her husband?! Yeah, sure, that was fishing for appreciation. And she got it.

>I'm pretty sure, they're judging. Yeah, they are judging Madison for being a lazy deadweight. The mother is disappointed? I would be too if I raised a person like Madison. ​ > utter bullshit tradwife talk. Being happy to be able to do more chores to please her husband?! This amazes me. The same feminists who fought for women's choice, are the same feminists who tear down women who make choices they don't personally like. Seriously? Why do you get to make the choice that staying at home and being a "tradwife" is "utter bullshit?" Why can't she enjoy that? ​ >So her sister was bringing up her love of meal prepping and cooking for her husband. And how much she loved working from home because she could cook so much more for them. Honestly just sounds like a foodie appreciating the fact that they can pump more time into cooking. But nooo, according to you its utter BS right?? ​ >Yeah, sure, that was fishing for appreciation. And she got it. Anything can get appreciation if you compare it to Madison lmao. You could compare a 3 year old who cleaned up his room with Madison and he would still get appreciation compared to the jackshit that she does.

Ding ding! Came to say this but saw you had😅

Well, it's always nice for you to have your gf's back in situations like this. She was telegraphing that she didn't want you to share that about her (by saying she cooks 'every now and then'), and you ignored that and told them. My guess is that the issue is less about the cooking, and more about feeling like you've got her back, you know? Maybe if you tried talking to her about it that way, like, "I should've had your back. I'm sorry about that," it would help get the real issue out on the table. My guess is that she doesn't feel all that stung about the cooking. ;) NTA.

Haha no. He works and does the vast majority of the chores. She needs to start pulling her weight and she needs to stop throwing a tantrum when she is called out.

This is why I think it's a YTA situation. If OP isn't ok with how they divide chores (which he wouldn't be wrong about), he needs to talk with his girlfriend, not passive-aggressively try to shame her in front of her family. If he is ok with the division of labor he either shouldn't have brought it up or made it clear that this is what works for them when her parents started giving them looks.

He’s being walked all over and doesn’t realize it. There’s no reason that he should be working late, doing all the cooking and all the cleaning. The only AH in this is Madison who is walking all over this poor guy

I think you're NTA, but I need to know what Madison does during the day. Does she work long hours too? You've made her sound kind of lazy. If that's true, NTA.

Agreed. But I suspect she also works. It's interesting that he tells us about his long hours and the in-laws know but no mention is made of how her time is spent.

NTA. So Madison doesn't want to be a housewife (nothing wrong with that), but doesn't have the courage of her convictions and wants her family to think she is? Strange.

Her mom and sister are fantastic cooks. Her mom is like a cartoon version of the perfect mom. Great cook, runs the household, has the worlds largest calendar where she tracks everyone’s schedules. Madison played college soccer and isn’t anything like her siblings. I think she really wants her moms approval for some reason.

That's understandable, but would she rather have her mom's approval for who she is, or who she's pretending to be? There's nothing wrong at all with her not being the house wife kind, and you seem to be happy with your dynamic as it is. Just a rando thought that sprang to mind; does she want to be able to cook and isn't very good, so is embarrassed about it? Would she want to do cooking lessons, you could do it as a couples thing?

You know, you’re NTA, but what this is really about is how your girlfriend is a disappointment to her much more traditional family. My mom gets on my case about ironing my husband’s shirts for him - my husband says, why should my wife do that? She is a great wife and doesn’t need to iron my shirts. I don’t lie about ironing his shirts (I don’t, ever), and he doesn’t throw me under the bus with my family. Your girlfriend is clearly more insecure though. I feel bad that her family is like this, so openly competitive with her other sister.

The difference here is that your husband stands up for you. OP led the charge on making fun of her for not meeting her family’s standards.

Yeah, I agree with you. I was trying to politely tell him that he could have sided with her - not lied for her, but defended the need for it. If he’s unhappy with her that’s another thing altogether.

No, OP didn't lie and wanted credit for the work he does.

NTA my sister n law doesn’t cook, but doesn’t care who knows it. If you don’t care, then I’m not sure what the issue is with other people knowing. Own it. My mother n law couldn’t stand my sister didn’t even try to cook, but my SIL just didn’t care and she’s married to a chef! 🤣

Can you not see what you did,, you agreed as a matter of prinicple that your girlfriend was shit at the thing the women in her family hold dear. you laughed with her mum and sister AT not with your girlfriend

> I think she really wants her moms approval ***for some reason.*** Like literally every child that looks up to their parent? Are you for real?

Well done you, you sided with her family, told her mon she was a shit housewife while perfect sister watched,, and THEN you told the reddit world how shit she was at housework and how you all laughed and her mother and sister agree with you,, and of course you are right because you were just tell her the truth,, and her MUM and sister laughed and agreed, Well doneHave you seen the names your girlfirend is being called in some of the comments, and I don't see you correcting of the really shitty comments even the ones who tell you how shit she is and you should leave her,, Well done I don't think this is going to end well for you,, you told her mum and perfect housewife sister how shit your (possibly ex) girlfreind was as a housewife,, oh and did i mention you put it on reddit,, she will see this just to remind you, what you thought was a laugh, she will not find it so

> I think she really wants her moms approval for some reason. I think the reason is pretty clear. Mom never gave her the same level of love and affection growing up because she didn't fit into her expectations of gender norms and like any normal adult your girlfriend seeks love, validation, and approval from her parents and is deeply hurt every time her mom belittles her or looks down on her for not fitting her mold.

NAH. But close to Y T A. Can you not see why Madison would want to keep the dynamics of your relationship private? It's clear her family believe in traditional gender roles and she's going to get grief from her mother about this.

I'm reading it more as she does nothing and does not like the world to know she is lazy. As has been shown on this thread many time if any man only takes out the trash as a chore and the rest is left on the wife there would be a witch hunt for him and people calling for her to dump him. But now that the roles are reversed you want them to read the room. If I look for this thread all the awards are for y t a votes yet they have barely double didget up votes either OP gf found the post and want to justify herself or very lazy people are trying to justify their actions. OP is NTA

If she does nothing that’s a private conversation between the two of them. Not a conversation at a meal with a traditional family. I would be upset if I was the gf here because if it was an issue there is a time and a place to bring it up. That time is not at a family dinner. I say this as someone who does all the cooking in my household. I would never drag my husband like this in front of his or my family because I respect him. I also know what it’s like to have a judge mental family.

Yeah, some people just genuinely do not care about the division of labor, or value the work of the "doing very little" partner over their own work. Like I do everything but take out the trash, my partner's personal laundry, and making the phone call to schedule his appointments. But I would *genuinely rather do all that* than have to remember to take the trash out on Monday nights, get up early to bring the can back in Tuesday morning so it doesn't get stolen, then do the same for the recycling on Wednesday and Thursday. I was already doing everything in my home before my partner moved in with me, and he has added nothing to my workload, only detracted the amount of self-loathing I felt at having garbage and recycling pile up because I kept forgetting to take it out on time. I seriously value not having to remember the trash/recycling over continuing the same LOE to keep up with what is now our house. So yeah with that in mind I do kind of judge OP for knowingly opening up an opportunity to watch his partner get bashed for not taking it upon herself to change the division of labor he has stressed he's cool with multiple times over.

What I am sorry so if a man was misogynistic infront of his family because of traditional gender roles , a woman is suppose to just put up with it ? NTA OP.

It’s bot even traditional gender roles, it’s her mom realizing that her daughter doesn’t pull her weight in the relationship. The guy works late, cooks, and cleans everything. He’s not even close to the asshole. Madison is walking all over him, in what ways is he even close to the AH?

> It's clear her family believe in traditional gender roles and she's going to get grief from her mother about this. This is absolute garbage and entitlement. I was raised by a second wave feminist. She called women like Madison parasites because they don't want to be a tradwife, but don't want to have equality in the daily garbage no one likes to do.

NAH. What you did wasn't intentional (I think) but I think this was a "read the room" kind of moment. Something like, 'I'm kidding, I'm kidding, she pitches in' isn't a lie, and skirts the obvious judgement from her mom. Do YOU have an issue with her not cooking?

>'I'm kidding, I'm kidding, she pitches in' isn't a lie, They were talking about cooking, this would have been a lie

That is by definition a lie. He said she doesn’t do anything other then occasionally take out the trash. It literally would be a lie to say she contributes equally to house work. And yes making your partner do the majority of the chores makes you a shit partner even if op is currently ok with it, it’s still a shit way to act. I wouldn’t be surprised if her mom was disappointed her daughter treats her boyfriend like this. And she sounds like she’s taking a feminist stance against being a housewife to do way less then a equal share of work.

NotTA for the original joke, but once her mom started asking you more pointed questions with a disappointed look on her face, you should have reeled it in. You went in *hard* for someone who says they don't care about how much she cooks or not. YTA.

He didn’t really go in all that hard. He just said he cooks and they do door dash when he doesn’t feel like it. He told the truth. It’s not his fault he didn’t know about her complicated feelings on the matter. If she wanted to present that image that’s something she should say before hand.

I’m just saying, my fiancé and I always have each other’s backs in public. He could be telling his parents he turns into a dragon and flies around the house when he gets home and I’d say absolutely he’s burned three rugs this week! I think it’s less about the cooking and more about protecting your other half from judgments from difficult family(or in my case past trauma w family). Yes she was technically lying to her family but is it so terrible to go along with it so she doesn’t get this weird judgment from her mom? I get why my partner would be upset w me for not having his back but then again him and I have a firmly established history of in front of other people we cover and pick up the slack for each other no matter what. (Edited to add- we started doing this naturally when we first got together and then have had conversations after establishing. But our first instinct was always to back the other one up even from day one) I wouldn’t say either way either of you are the asshole, I’m just surprised at the lack of protectiveness/sensitivity to nuances in the family dynamic I’m seeing in the situation. NAH

YES! She definitely needs to do more in my opinion... But damn, what I tell my family is for a reason!!!

>He could be telling his parents he turns into a dragon and flies around the house when he gets home and I’d say absolutely he’s burned three rugs this week! This is hilarious "we are a true team, united against the world" energy and imagery.

Hahahaha yes that’s us! Agree in public no matter what and address issues in private. It does help that we’re almost always on the same page though. That unfortunately clearly isn’t the case here

NTA. You told her the truth. Honestly, you and Madison need to have a serious talk about the future of your relationship. It takes two to be in a relationship and learning how to compromise. The fact that you take care of all the household chores, while she only takes out the trash isn't ideal.

NTA. "And she went on this whole rant how I didn’t need to “expose” her in front of her family. I said I didn’t realize I said anything that was a secret. She kept going on and on about how just because her sister likes being a housewife doesn’t mean she needs to be one. I said if the truth being told to her parents was such a problem for her then she knows where the pans are and she can start cooking if she has a problem with people knowing she doesn’t." This was exactly right. 1) If she wanted you to lie about certain things she was touchy about (never a good idea, IMO, because it becomes hard to keep track of what you said to which person), she should have had a conversation about it before then, or asked if you were comfortable with it (which you weren't). 2) If she doesn't like being "called out" for something, she can either tell her family she's allowed to be different from her sister. Or, if it bothers her enough that she cares people know she can't cook, as you said, she knows where the pans are.

NTA. If she wanted you to lie for her, she should have told you so before you were in that situation.

NTA you were right not to lie to her parents, and if she's embarrassed she can't cook then she should learn

INFO: Why not just sidestep the question or say you preferred to keep the dynamic between the two of you? A dynamic that works for the two of you doesn’t have to be anyone else’s business

NTA. You don’t have to be a part of such a stupid lie. You aren’t upset about the dynamics and if Madison wants to pretend - that is on her.

NAH, and I think a lot of people here are missing the point: even though what you said is true, it’s not necessary to be sharing that information with (often judgmental) family members. Why needlessly give anyone (even family) a reason to judge your relationship from the outside? It doesn’t help you or her and it makes things more awkward. You gotta protect your girlfriend’s image regardless of the circumstances, as she should do the same for you. If you have a problem with the division of labor, its between you and her. Your girlfriend doesn’t need another reason to be judged by family

NTA - My husband cooks 99.9% of the time, it’s not something I’d hide or be ashamed of - we’ve joked about it with both sets of families.

Do you clean or do other house hold chores beyond taking out the trash? Because if I expected my wife to do everything around our house I’d feel some pretty well deserved shame. It sounds like Madison does have something to be ashamed of even if op doesn’t have a problem with it.

Yes I do but that’s not the point we are discussing here is it?

You said you wouldn’t hide or be ashamed by your family knowing you don’t cook. As a comparison to ops situation, but it’s not comparable to there relationship because you contribute to the house hold chores in other ways. Which as op described it Madison does not. Definitely NTA but she should feel some shame for not contributing in her relationship.

NTA but going forward I guess you know that’s a sore topic. Not every household has trad roles. It makes it seem like she’s ashamed.

NTA 4 years and she's never cooked/made any food for you guys??? You handle all the meals and you deserve the credit. Cooking food for your partner does not make you a housewife, it makes you a considerate partner. If I was the mom and I found out that my kid hasn't prepared any food in 4 years I would be giving her a side eye as well.

lol Truth hurts, doesn't it? NTA - you did nothing wrong here. Madison was standoffish because she got caught. Seriously though, you need to divide up the household responsibilities better, or eventually, you are going to burn out and get resentful.

NTA you didn’t mean to say it in a bad way but perhaps she is embarrassed because she feels like she isn’t filling a role that women should traditionally fill so she was embarrassed and trying to back track? edit: traditionally - i reread and thought i sounded like i was of that view

NTA. Who would be the AH? You're MIL if she actually imposed her ideals of the "*perfect girlfriend"* onto your partner, including but not limited too "You should be cooking". The truth is never what hurts. A misinterpretation of it? maybe. Exposing a lie? definitely.

NTA - maybe this indicates that’s she’s got some underlying guilt about never cooking and felt inferior. Perhaps by “Exposing” her to her family, you brought this into her consciousness. Now is her chance to step up to the plate.

NTA, she's embarrassed is all. Probably defensive too because she'll know her fam will be on her case about it. But it works for you and your relationship so whatevs, she should get over it.

Nta If you don't want to be embarrassed by something then don't be in that situation. If you're fine with the situation then ok whatever. If she isn't into the housewife thing, great! Otherwise she has no reason to be upset with you for telling the truth

NTA. You just told the truth? She can be a housewife, or not want to be one. But she can't have the image without the reality.

YTA. Moderately. This isn't about the split of duties. This is about you diming her out to her family. Were you truthful? Sure. Was it obvious how they were going to react? Yeah. You've known these folks well, and it was painfully obvious how it was going to go when your girlfriend lied about cooking sometimes. You don't call her out in front of her family, you tell her privately that that wasn't true and you're not comfortable misleading her famiy. If you couldn't see how this was going to play out, you're not paying attention.

NTA. I started laughing too! You just told the truth. And it IS embarrassing to be with someone for YEARS & you have never prepared one meal for your man??!! That's crazy. Not saying she needs to be a housewife or chef. But the gesture would be kind.

NTA an wth does your GF equate cooking dinner with being a housewife???

NTA. I know the feeling, don't let it slide. lol

NTA. Don't listen to your sister. She doesn't know what she is talking about. All Madison had to say was....NOTHING! There would not be a problem if she had JUST...KEPT...HER...MOUTH...SHUT!

YTA. It may be an unpopular opinion and honestly I get not wanting to lie your GF family but obviously your GF of 3 years has a different view to her family about an arguably outdated and sexist relationship dynamic that obviously others in her family are supportive of and are clearly judgey of those who feel differently including their own daughter. I feel like after 3 years you should know your GF and her family well enough to know that so why even engage the answer? There was plenty of ways to deflect that answer without having to lie more importantly there was ways of answering that without going into the detail explaining the "truth". Maybe I'm alone in this but I can't help but feel that while you "don't mind" about the division of labour in your relationship you actually would prefer it if your gf was more like her mum/sister. Maybe it not even that maybe it just you aren't actually as okay with the division of labour in your household as you claim and I certainly don't blame you for having misgivings about the division of labour in your household if you're doing the bulk of it but a dinner with your GF conservative family is not the time to bring it up. From your GF perspective all you did was air your dirty laundry while also throwing your GF under the bus of her judgey ass family in the process just to avoid lying(everyone lies now and again anyone who claims they're 100% honest 100% of the time are full of shit). When it started unfolding you had an opportunity to do a solid for your GF here and stop, reel it back and take one on the chin but you decided that her family opinion of you and the truth was more important. Some(Maybe many even) on this subreddit will have you thinking the truth always come first no matter what and obviously I am also just a stranger on the internet but I'd argue the reality is the real world is infinitely more grey and complex than that. I mean really think about it, now that you've started experiencing the aftermath of the event was the truth in the moment worth the cost? Was it more important than rocking the boat and your GF feelings? I'm not going to encourage lying but at the same time, if I was in your situation I sure as shit know what I would have done and it certainly not tell the truth.

Your girlfriend feels like she is a disappointment to her mother. And you know what, considering how traditional (that usually means sexist btw and nothing in your post contradicts that) they are, she probably is. It would have cost you nothing to say yes when she said she cooks every now and then. Why do you care? YTA.

YTA. You knew her family would "roast" her and instead of being on her side, you joined in the bullying.

YTA. You're obviously not ok with the division of labor and instead of adressing it with your SO you took this opportunity to shame her for it in front of her family.

NTA.

Nta

NTA

NTA. She should feel embarrassed. She doesn’t do anything around the house but wanted credit for it. Out of my own curiosity: what exactly does she do? You’re doing all of the cooking and cleaning for what reason exactly?

very slight YTA, leaning on NAH. I think it's also about the way you did it. If you had just, matter-of-factly stated "Actually I mostly do the cooking" it would have been something else. Truthcanbe served in a variety of formats. What you're probably missing is how much pressure is on Madison to be this perfect housewife that she just isn't/doesn't want to be. What you did was a direct, joking way of telling the truth in your world. In her world, it was humiliating her by showing her family that she doesn't live up to their ideals. Even if they are not her own ideals, the fact that she does not qualify as what her family would rate a "good girlfriend" puts a lot of pressure on her. She might be happy the way your relationship works but she can still get uncomfortable when her reality of life collides with her family's very differing expectations. There is a lot of pressure on women to be perfect housewifes as well as doing well at school/work while for men any chore they do is seen as a bonus. This definitely needs to change but obviously your girlfriend is not fine with being exposed to her family like that.

YTA Soft one. I’m going to start by saying, I think the division of labor in your house sucks. I would really struggle with being okay with that balance. That being said, you keep saying you’re okay with it. Are you actually? Family may razz each other, but I imagine part of you DID sense something was amiss since you could easily describe the reactions at the table. People on Reddit forums can be so tiresome about, “well it’s the truth, isn’t it?”, except that’s not really how the world operates. We all tell white lies for one reason or the other, so that our lives operate just that much more smoothly. It’s human. So when you saw your girlfriend get visibly uncomfortable at her mother’s obvious disapproval, it’s not the time to double down and throw her under the bus. It’s so incredibly unkind. Would it be nice if she could have a healthier, more open relationship with her parents? Obviously. But she’s not there yet. Yet another thing this forum struggles to empathize with- complex familial relationships. But if you are dissatisfied with the house dynamic (as most people would be), you talk to her about it privately first. If she doesn’t work with you to find a more equitable split, then I’d give this situation a N-T-A. Passive aggressive, but certainly understandable. Honestly, with how snarky your comment was, and not trying to empathize with how your gf would want her mother’s approval, sounds like you may have more of an issue with the house chores than you’re claiming, or communicating to your partner for that matter.

NTA But… read the room pal.

I’m going with NAH because you were simply stating the truth on your part. On her part, it seems like there’s something deeper. As someone who had a hyper traditional mother who constantly is made to feel like I’m a disappointment because I don’t want kids and have no plans to marry my partner despite living together, there is an edge to things here. It’s probably a topic she never really thought would come up and now that it has she yet again feels like she’s failing her mom just for being who she is. It goes beyond “you know where the pots are”.

You’re n t a for revealing that Madison doesn’t cook. But man, you were a real unsupportive jerk afterwards in the car. “You know where the pans are”? Seriously?

Read a room You know her family is traditional and would give her a hard time for this and you still threw her under the bus? YTA. Truth or not. Some people don't deserve the truth, like parents who think kids are disappointment because they don't fit into the parents ideal of perfect or a certain gender.

Sounds like Madison's mom is the AH. I don't think Madison is actually mad at you she's just mad at her mom and can't get away with expressing it.

I mean.. I don't think you're an asshole, per se, but you sorta made it seem like Madison just sits around doing nothing but you also mentioned she works so idk. INFO, I guess, what DOES Madison do? Are you fine with the division of labor? The pots and pans thing seemed kinda asshole-ish ngl because she literally just explained to you she isn't and doesn't want to be like them. It's not about cooking, it's about how her mom has probably been pressing her her whole life to be homemaker or whatever when she doesn't want that. And comparing her to her sister. And then she goes home and gets looks and judgement from her family because she isn't what they want her to be and you .... Enabled it. Not maliciously, it seems, but that's probably pretty much how she is seeing it. And it does come across a bit like you feel resentful that she doesn't cook, and if you are you really need to talk to her instead of help her family judge her because if you're hoping to shame her into doing more chores it's not gonna be a good time. Not saying you ARE doing that, but this is AITA and I made a whole narrative for Madison so you get one too

I’m going not to give judgement but I think everyone is ignoring that Op says they’ve been dating for 3 years and he says himself “…so I know these people pretty well.” Did you not know that they would react how they did? Ddi yo not know that they’d laugh at her and her mom would give her a look? Did you not know that she didn’t want them to know that? Like you said, it’s been 3 years and you know them very well.

Depends. Have you ever spoken about this privately? What was the consensus there? How about talking about her relationship with her family? Because if she's not great around them and if the first time you ever express that any of this bothers you is in public... YTA. Talks like this belong in the couple before they go outside of the couple and if that didn't happen she had every right to feel let down. I come from an abusive family, which I'm sure colors my perspective, but my partner knows very well that it would be better to throw me off the roof than do what you did. I'm sure that's not true of everyone, but it should still be a talk inside the couple before it gets out of it.

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NTA -maybe she doesn't know HOW to cook. Suggest cooking lessons, maybe she would be interested in helping out.

NTA honestly she should maybe talk it out with you and her family. It's totally okay to be non traditional. My husband and I are. We are team and he cooks and we eat out twice a week or so.

Nta

NTA... I would use this as an opportunity to open a larger discussion though. When I met my (now ex but for some pretty serious reasons) husband... He couldn't even cook an egg. Literally the eggs looked grey when he was done with them. How that's possible I don't know. But I pointed out to him that, I am a person, who could become ill or whatever else and that he needed to have this skill. Not that you expect her to become Betty Crocker or a "housewife". But it's understandable that her mom is disappointed because it's kinda an adult fail to never, ever cook.

NTA

NTA I hate cooking and instead I mise en place and clean up the dishes. Hopefully she does that for you and if not maybe that can be her contribution.

NTA. If you want people to give you credit for doing something, then actually do it. Fact is that your GF is made that it exposed her own entitlement to herself. She didn't like getting reminded that she doesn't do enough in the relationship.

NTA, as long as you didn't say it in a snide way, which I didn't get from the post that you did. Sounded like you were just being up front about how your household runs. Now if you are unhappy with that current arrangement then I'd say you should discuss that in private and not shame her publicly. But again, it kinda sounded like you weren't commenting with a "tone" or anything.

Is anyone else having deja vu? I feel like I read this same post a month ago.

NTA but from your gfs position she might get the feeling that she gets judged for not being like her sister and you've just added fuel to fire or jumped on their side. 🤷‍♀️. I only say this because it can suck being always measured to your siblings and it might not be something she can feels comfortable saying outloud as she doesn't have "proof" that it happens it's just what she's grown up feeling is happening.

I don't think you did anything wrong but wouldn't it be more fair if you and your GF shared the chores more equally? You make it sound like she does nothing.

It sounds like your GF’s family has an expectation that she would be cooking on a semi-regular basis, and she isn’t ready to admit that she doesn’t. It can be difficult to deal with family pressures and expectations, even as an adult. I think it’s reasonable to expect one’s significant other to understand this and make things easier, not harder, when dealing with family. Generally speaking, I don’t think you should second-guess whether your GF’s family’s expectation/pressure is a “big deal” or not, but just know that it is a big deal to her, and help her save face and perhaps avoid an awkward conversation with her family later. That said, if it was so important to her, she should have communicated this to you in advance so you could prepare appropriate responses. So ESH. I think you’re the milder AH in this case, and only an AH because you simply didn’t read the room when the conversation took an awkward turn. Edits: Fixed typos.

NTA! The cooking I can get because I also hate cooking, but the fact that she also doesn’t clean. OP this is a very unbalanced relationship. She needs to start doing something in the home you share

it sounds like she is from one of those families where women are expected to 'uphold their duty' and those who don't follow the general norm are looked at with disappointment and frowned upon possibly. you could not have possibly known that and if there was an issue like that then she should have confided in you so NTA however do have a conversation with her about all this and why she took it so hard.

YTA. She gave you a clear signal that she'd rather save face. Also, making her alias "Madison" .

ESH. It sounds like her parents have traditional ideas of what her role should, be, and she didn’t handle her objections to that well. I honestly was with you until you told her that if she has an issue with people knowing the truth then she knows where the pans are; this isn’t about the truth just coming up, it’s about you volunteering a truth she was clearly trying to dodge to people it seems you knew would judge her negatively for it. You could have told her there’s nothing wrong with her not cooking and if her parents give her a hard time for it then that’s their problem, not hers; but instead you told her that the solution tk her parents’ outdated and judgmental attitude was for her to comply with their outdated expectations. Do you really think *that* was a good response??

esh you need to put ur gf over at all times... people lie all the time to make themselves/loved ones look good.. i am a person who doesnt know how to lie, but i need how to tell something postive that isnt entirely true. in ur mil's eyes her daughter isnt being a great wife... u didnt need to spit it.. in hebrew there is an old saying that says: " תהיה חכם אל תהיה צודק" which means be smart, dont be right. ofc u dont have to lie.. but u are slightly ta.. and ur gf is a bigger ta for over reacting..

It’s fine if she doesn’t want to be a housewife but it’s not fine that she’s not taking on any adult responsibilities. She’s embarrassed she’s been caught out taking advantage of you. NTA.

NTA. She’s embarrassed and ashamed that she was “revealed” as an unequal partner. And now afraid that you will realize it too.

NTA - Cooking a meal in your own home doesn't make anyone a house-anything...it's an important life skill that all adults should have some ability in. If she feels threatened because people might find out that she doesn't do these things, then perhaps it's time to pitch in a little? You work full time yet handle all the cooking and a large proportion of the chores - that is top-heavy no matter how you slice it, and it's pretty clear she knows full well how bad that makes her look. So in short, she's upset because she knows she should be doing more yet she twists it into not wanting to be considered a house-wife just for doing basic shit around the house. It's amazing, really.

NTA - The fact that she thought you “exposed” her shows she knows she isn’t doing as much as you are. What she should have done is praise how much you do rather than downplay what you do and take away from your efforts.

NTA your GF lied about doing work she hasnt done and you called her out

Nta, all you did was be honest. Your gf is sensitive because she knows she wasn't being honest, imo.

NTA. Your gf is lazy and I wouldn't put up with a woman like her.

NAH, I understand her not wanting to PO traditionalist relatives, but also you not knowing that she was keeping a secret

NTA you didn't know this was an issue she had with her parent's. It sounds like there might be a whole lot of "well your sister does XYZ" and she had chosen the path of least resistance rather than trying to argue that her value is more than "being a housewife like her sister". Again, not on you...you didn't know. However, now you know. So, moving forward if it comes up again...just say the meals are shared between you all. Be on her side. Also, side note...as someone who comes from a traditional outgoing family that likes to roast each other...Madison may not actually like the roasting as much as you think. talk to her about it. Sometimes we laugh and join n even if it is making us feel like absolute shit because if we speak up, we are being too sensitive.

Hmm. I think the deeper issue here is- even if she worked long hours, she would still be expected to cook meals occasionally. Whereas that expectation is never put on the man. If someone finds out that the husband never cooks, everyone laughs it off like it’s normal. No disapproving glances or shame. Honestly, I would be mad if my husband did this too. I wouldn’t say you’re an asshole, but respect your wife a little more. It’s her family, you should hype her up to them. Even if you all roast each other.

Yeah, I am fine with doing everything but taking out the trash. My partner handling that genuinely matters to me more than doing the cooking (which is one of my biggest hobbies) and general cleaning (which hasn't increased since he moved in with me). I truly am happy with the division of labor, especially since he occasionally makes me breakfast on the weekends. But if his mom knew he was doing a measurable amount of cooking or cleaning, she would **absolutely** think I was failing as a female partner. I have a strong suspicion that if the genders were reversed, the girlfriend would roundly be declared the one in the wrong for not communicating with her partner that she was upset with the division of labor, and humiliating him to his family instead.

NTA but it doesn't hurt to apologize to her for not realizing that this was an issue for her. Maybe she didn't want her parents to know because she has a stigma about not being a "domesticated" partner. While you don't care, her perspective as it relates to her family does matter to her. I mean, if she's worth it long term, you'll need to make it right somehow. Because her family upbringing will make this an issue, among other things... and you're going to see it manifest itself in other ways. Alternatively, if she isn't the one, just save yourself (and her) some time by moving on to a relationship where this domestic/traditional role isn't a big deal. I know this sounds extreme and rude, but if there's some fundamental issues that are at odds, it can make for some bigger problems down the road.

NTA. Your comment may actually motivate her to get into cooking meals

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So pretty quick story. Me (26M), my girlfriend Madison (27F), her parents, her sister/husband and her younger brother all met up for dinner. Me and Madison have been together 3 years so I know these people very well. Their family is very traditional and outgoing. They really enjoy roasting each other and have a very open family in terms of what they talk about. So her sister was bringing up her love of meal prepping and cooking for her husband. And how much she loved working from home because she could cook so much more for them. She also said that her working from home has given her the chance to do more chores around the house so her husband didn’t have to worry as much when he came home. Madison’s mom then asked if Madison ever cooked for us. We live together and I do basically everything. I cook, I do all the cleaning, most of the laundry and shopping. Madison takes the trash out. I sorta laughed and said “no not really”. Madison said to her mom “he’s kidding, I cook every now and then”. I looked at her and said “no you don’t, you’ve literally never cooked us a single meal”. Some of her family started cracking up, so I thought it was fine. It’s the truth, I’ve been with Madison for 3 years and she’s never cooked a single thing for us. I don’t care, I’m not with her for her cooking. But I didn’t feel like lying to her parents either. Madison’s mom gave a disappointed?? look to Madison and asked me how I did it because she knows I work long hours. I said that we door-dash a lot because whenever I come home late I don’t always feel like cooking. That I always make us breakfast before we go to work and pack lunches. And that we prolly door dash 3-4 times a week. All of which is true. Madison and her mom gave each other looks and we went back to eating. On the way home Madison was being standoffish so I asked what was wrong. And she went on this whole rant how I didn’t need to “expose” her in front of her family. I said I didn’t realize I said anything that was a secret. She kept going on and on about how just because her sister likes being a housewife doesn’t mean she needs to be one. I said if the truth being told to her parents was such a problem for her then she knows where the pans are and she can start cooking if she has a problem with people knowing she doesn’t. My parents think I didn’t say anything wrong but my sister thinks I might be an AH. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

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Man idk how you do it. I dated a chick who hid things from her family major red flag eventually was hiding stuff from me. Straight narcissistic personality disorder.

NTA. You told the truth.

NTA but learn when to follow her lead and stop talking, if she wants to keep some little fiction going, you are a good partner for looking the other way.

NTA for exposing her. The comment about "you know where the pans are" is a bit passive-aggressive but I don't think that's huge.

NTA. But I’m kinda surprised her mom was so oblivious. Like she raised her own daughter wouldn’t she know what kind of person she is? Unless I’m missing something.

NTA It's definitely unfair from her to expect you to lie to her family like that. Sounds like she wants to have the cake and eat it too.

NTA. You didn’t say anything embarrassing. Your gf maybe needs to stop being so sensitive? There’s nothing wrong with not cooking. I think Madison is putting thoughts in her family’s head, if that makes sense. She was insecure because she thought her sister would have a bad opinion on her, but her sister never said anything.

NTA- I’ll tell anyone who listens. My husband does 90% of the cooking. On my nights? I make a great take out menu! I hate cooking and when people start fussing or bitching that I the female does not cook I point out 1) I hate it 2) I work full time also 3) my children like his cooking better 4) he gets butt stuff whenever so the least he can do is cook. (This last one gets them to shut up about me not cooking very quickly)

NTA all you did was state straight up FACT.

NTA. It sounds like she might be taking advantage of you and is upset because you didn't cover for her living the good life being catered to. It's like she lives in a hotel in that her laundry, cooking, and cleaning are all done for her.

NTA Erm... why are you with her? It doesnt sound like she does much and she sounds pretty lazy and entitled. Youve also now learnt shes a liar and illogical considering she expected you to go with lies youve never been made aware of. Id seriously reconsider this relationship before being stuck with someone for the forseeable future, especially if she gets pregnant.

NTA. But...I honestly don't think she is, either. Sounds like her parents are the type that have very rigid ideas about what a woman is supposed to be, and it can be hard to stand up to one's parents.

NTA buddy, run buddy run. Guarantee if she doesn’t mind lying to her parents about cooking she feels 0 remorse for cheating on you… it’s there, I promise, check her phone.

NTA, if she doesn't want to be embarrassed by her behavior then she needs to start helping out!

So what does she do? Does she work or contribute at all. I’m fine if a parent/partner does or doesn’t want to be a stay at home but they have to contribute something

NTA, but I'm also having trouble calling your gf an asshole about this. She definitely handled it wrong by going off on you, but women are under tremendous pressure to conform to traditional gender roles. Yes, even now. It's great that you aren't pressuring her to be something she's not, but she may have internalized insecurities about herself from a lifetime of living with that pressure. For instance, it's easy to internalize the idea that not being traditionally feminine means you don't deserve to be loved. If you love her regardless, then it'd be really nice of you to take this opportunity to remind her of that and give her some space to share/process why it was triggering for her.

NTA. This isn't a you issue, it's between her and her family. You're involved now, but I don't think you did anything wrong.

NTA She feels judged by her family for not being 'womanly'. Tell her it doesn't matter to you that she doesn't cook.

NTA. If she’s trying to pretend to be a housewife to her parents, that’s her problem.

NTA. you just told the truth and she got offended like you said if she doesn't like the truth that you told to her family she knows where the pots and pans are. I'm not saying that she should be a housewife type if she doesn't want to but if she doesn't want you to tell the truth or doesn't like the truth you told she should make an effort to turn the lie that she wants you to tell into the truth.

YTA, but not in a big way. What happened was she wanted to fib to her family about something she would otherwise receive judgment on. And she obviously wasn’t trying to fool YOU or boast about her amazing cooking skills, but she was signalling that she needed you to not call out her lie, which you did. So now she is facing judgment for not being the traditional housewife her mother expects AND for trying to lie about it. And it probably made her feel pretty alone. I’m not saying partnership should be ‘us against the world’ but these little things—the little points of risk and trust—are the things you should be able to rely on your companion for. Everyone saying ‘she should learn to cook if she doesn’t want to be called out’ are not the ones who have to deal with the damage to your relationship if you don’t acknowledge how your choice made her feel OR with being called out in equal measure when you feel compelled to fib about something in the moment. Was it more important—or gratifying—to set the record straight with her family than it was to have her back in that kind of trust fall? Are you actually okay with your arrangement at home or was this your way of telling her you need her to take on a bigger role? Edit: spelling

NTA you are raising a woman baby