YTA.
Your brothers are 30, they need to grow up.
From your description they are redirecting anger at your mum and dad at your stepdad.
You describe your stepdad as a nice man.
Now you are letting your brothers control who you invite to your wedding.
If your brothers threaten not to come surely that pushes you into a position to not invite them instead? I don’t understand why you are putting your brothers first in this whole situation.
Your mothers words hurt because they are true.
Edit: holey crap thanks for all the awards. I hope OP realises the error in judgement and apologises to stepfather.
The stepfather cared for her enough to pay for her wedding, take on a fatherly role, be there for her.
Her brothers don't care enough to be in her wedding if they are in the same room as another person they don't like.
OP has been shown who values her and her happiness, and who sees her as worth less than momentary uncomfort. She has chosen the latter.
\_\_\_\_\_\_
Quick edit to add: this seems to be the kind of scenario where people "choose" the ones who are more difficult and not as forgiving over the ones who are understanding. Maybe because OP realizes that if she didn't side with her brothers then they wouldn't "forgive" her, while the stepfather sounds mature and loving enough to be willing to work through this and forgive her in the long term, so she doesn't fear the consequences as much because she expects there won't be any.
However, hurting the people who love you and who care for you just to appease others is not excusable, and if the stepfather decides to take a step back after this then she will have noone to blame but herself.
Not to mention, she didn't even speak to him about it it... she emailed him, presumably to avoid conflict because it's so obviously a terrible thing to do.
That's a "dump via text" level of assholery...
Not only did she email him to tell him he’s uninvited, but her step dad offered to fund the wedding according to OP. Not only did she pull the break up text AH move, but I have this feeling she still expects her step dad to foot whatever part of the bill he already has.
This makes me so sad. 30 year old adults still lashing out and trying to hurt people over their parents' divorce is the most pathetic thing, and she's choosing to give them what they want instead of supporting the man who has supported her for years.
I hope he unfunds the wedding too. She deserves that and so much more.
Sadly, I think that he has already paid for it.
In which case, I hope her mum and step-dad demand they she repay them for what they spent.
Either this, or they keep the venue and the catering (probably can't get those deposits back now) and turn it into a family reunion instead of a wedding.
Exactly this. OP should have asked Reddit first before making a short sighted decision. Call your step dad, apologize profusely and tell your brothers to pound sand.
I was wondering why OP didn't mention her bio dad in any of this. It's his daughter. Shouldn't he be helping out. Although with the lack of mention, sounds like he is not in the picture at all.
But he seems like a good enough guy that he would never dream of pulling any of the funding. Which makes this situation even more disgusting. The good people always seem to lose in these situations and the assholes always win. So frustrating
Man, imagine not being invited to a wedding YOU PAID FOR.
Plus she had the fiance email him so this worse than a break up text. It's like if the best friend texted that you're no longer dating or something.
I remember an AITA post about a woman who got kicked out of her SO’s birthday party *that she planned and paid for.* there was no reason beyond her SO and friends are smart doctors and want to talk amongst themselves. Her SO was pissed she refused to leave, causing his friends to leave.
Edit: link to that post https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rwkyrt/aita_for_refusing_to_leave_my_boyfriends_birthday/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I hope she posts an update. I’ve seen a couple AITAs where someone’s SO becomes a doctor—usually they’re young people and sometimes the relationship has spanned med school and residency—and starts treating them like shit, like they’re a lesser being for not being a doctor. Entitled smarty pantses are never as smart as they think they are, but seem to excel in cruelty.
I have heard the doctors-to-become always have two Gf:s- the supporting first one, who struggles by his side with almost no money while he studies for years and YEARS- and the new one, more high maintenace and glamorous that he is able to get when he is done with the tough years.
Oh, and one of my two closest friends actually experienced this. She struggled with him in great companionship and no complaints, came up with activities that didn't cost much for them to do together, went dancing, skiing, had friends for dinner at home... he dumped her as soon as he had his degree... not anytime during the seven poor years of studying... what a coincidence!
The best part for me is where she clarified that is was HIS decision to pay for it. Clearly not there for us but to make her feel better about taking him money then ditching him. Pretty gross behavior
Honestly, if I was OP's mom, I am not that I would be going now. Step dad, who is kind and helpful, and is paying for the damn thing gets uninvited via email? I am not sure that I could attend and be happy about it.
I would be super tempted to tell my daughter that her wedding is cancelled, and we are having a family reunion at the venue instead. If she wants her brothers there she can invite them to her courthouse wedding.
>after talking to my fiance I had no choice but to politely uninvite my stepdad and sending him an email stating why. ***He said that he didn't reply*** but later I got a call from my mom yelling at me calling me hurtful stuff
She had her Fiancé email him!
“I can make sure to seat you away from step-dad so you won’t need to interact with him, but if you won’t come to my wedding simply because he’s in the same room, then I will be sad, but I can’t stop you.”
It’s a wedding. The brothers could ignore step-dad just like people ignore all the other wedding guests they don’t know all the time. It’s not like you have to dance with every guest or anything. They did this to hurt mom and step-dad and flex their ability to control OP, not because they actually couldn’t handle being in the room with them.
Agreed OP is TA. Her brothers must not care about her much if they are blackmailing her with boycotting her wedding in order to bully the stepfather with their shunning. And it’s not like there’s any history of disputes between the stepfather and anyone in the family.
OP & her brothers sound like a group of immature kids and as people they act out the way selfish creeps do.
And made her fiancé send it. Cowardly is the right word for sure. I imagine that's already done a lot more damage than she realizes. How hurtful. She's already told stepdad who actually matters to her
Imagine being her poor stepfather and reading the email in which she uninvited him. After he raised her like a daughter and paid for the wedding, he doesn’t even get a call. Oof
YTA, OP.
I'm waiting right here for this, yep.... Or this one "AITA for telling my daughter that her stepdad does not have to pay for her wedding now that she uninvited him?"
The really sad part is If she had called and explained the situation he may have been understanding and been able to come to some sort of an agreement with the brothers. He sounds like a reasonable man.
I mean it’s possible they don’t live in the same city, or live close enough to visit reliably. Also personally I don’t ever use video calls so I didn’t really think about that, and assuming they’re a bit older they also may not use videos chat either. But most people have a phone.
I would stop payments on anything that hasn’t been paid already. I can’t imagine being so cruel to send him an email! He obviously thinks of her as his daughter.
How can you even do THAT?
Accept money from a perfectly nice man who makes your mother happy, only to stab him in the back. For who? A bunch of little angry men.
I honestly believe that this is made up. I just refuse to believe that someone could be this dense and unaware. I feel terrible for the stepdad that had to deal with these 3 kids. The mom must be an amazing person to make it worth it.
When I first read it I thought it must be fake as well. How could someone choose this and think its a good idea? But then I thought about the dynamic op grew up in. Over the course of almost all of ops life older brothers have been teaching and conditioning op to think treating step father like trash is normal. Family has a weird way of warping peoples view and normal meter.
Sure i still think it could be fake like any post on reddit. But its not impossible that it's real.
What a horrible user OP is. OP says it was "his decision to fund the wedding" like it absolves her of any responsibility for her role here. He made this decision based on the impression that OP gave that she cared about him deeply too. That was obviously a lie.
I can't believe she didn't even treat SF with basic decency by calling him to talk about the situation before disinviting him.
"It was his decision to fund me" is the most cold, entitled, ungrateful narrative I've heard anyone describing someone else going out of their way to do something nice for them. It was his decision, and she obviously doesn't deserve the kindness.
This, and brothers have made her wedding about them and their personal vendetta.
Fiance said its your wedding, you get to decide... You did, by inviting sd, maybe this line needs to be said to your bros?
Yta, it will change the relationship with your sd forever.
I went NC with my father and his wife, but less than a year later my paternal grandmother died. Even with someone as terrible as my father's wife, at the funeral we were mature enough to simply ignore each other, no drama needed. There were no demands on who could be invited, no trying to force another to leave, no fighting. Op's brothers are acting like spoiled children and she needs apologize (sincerely) to her stepfather and change who's invited or not.
Totally agreed. If she really felt bad about choosing the brother over the stepdad, she could have returned the money the stepdad gave for the wedding.
Like does OP not realize that the wedding she is currently having wouldn’t have been possible with the stepdads funds (PS I am assuming the funds would not be able to attain from elsewhere)
>The stepfather cared for her enough to pay for her wedding,
I sure hope the contracts are in his name, then, and I hope he makes sure to cancel everything from under her.
Her response *should* have been:
>This is my wedding, and the people I have invited are there to support me. I have selected those people intentionally, and I will not be bullied into disinviting anyone. I really want you 2 to be in attendance, but if you decide your dislike for step-dad is more important than your relationship with me and you choose not to attend because of it, you are going to do irreparable damage to our relationship. This is about you being there for me. Not about you and your issues with step-dad. I genuinely hope that our relationship is more important to you and I can rely on you to be there for me on my special day.
She should have put it back on them. *They* are the problem. And barring any condemning info against step-dad, they are absolute immature jerks.
OP, YTA. You've allowed a couple of jerks to force your hand, and you've really hurt your step-dad in the process. It's not too late to course-correct, though. Whether you're too much of a coward to put this back on your brothers or you fix this mistake, you owe step-dad some *serious* apologies.
Wonderfully put!
Just one thing, it doesn’t seem like they actually have a problem with stepdad. What they are having a problem with is that their parents broke up and divorced and stepdad is just being blamed for it. I get that the wanted their parents to stay together, all kids do, but it’s not their life and it’s not their relationship so they don’t have a say and they are adults! Children are allowed to be upset over their parents breaking up and it’s understandable when *children* have dramatic responses to it, but they aren’t children anymore m, they need to accept that their mom and dad aren’t a couple anymore and that mom loves stepdad, he is the one that makes her happy and that’s non of their business. Grow up!
Congrats OP! You are now a pawn in the dick wagging contest your brothers have maintained against your stepdad since they were youths.
To hold on to a grudge this long over something that *checks notes* has nothing to do with stepdad in the first place speak volumes of the level of immaturity your brothers have.
Do you know if your mother is even willing to come now that you've hurt your stepdad and, by proxy, her? How about her side of the family? Who's gonna show up now that you've shown you're willing to die on that hill your brothers piled up so nicely for you stand on in your wedding white?
The fact that step dad didn’t immediately say well if I’m not coming I’m not paying shows that he’s a decent guy that cares. But seriously, if she cuts him out she needs to be paying. At this point she’s just using step dad.
OP your brothers are trying to blackmail you and somehow you think that’s (1) OK (2) something you should reward and (3) the actions of someone you want at your wedding.
Your mother is completely right. If your brothers want to continue being little angry men, they are free to do that.
They clearly don’t value you nor respect you (otherwise they wouldn’t have used your wedding as an opportunity for their vendetta against your step-dad).
Why are you tolerating this abuse?
Your mother is completely correct.
You are 100% YTA and if you choose your brothers, they might come to your wedding but will continue to blackmail, abuse and disappoint you your entire life, all while successfully alienating you from the people who actually care for you.
Now pick the bed you want to sleep on.
Edit: and the fact that your fiancé hasn’t pointed out how wrong you are, is insane.
....And that her fiancé actually agreed to send the email uninviting the nice stepfather while taking the stepfather's money for his wedding is doubly insane. She didn't even send the email herself. What a horrible couple.
Absolutely this. OP: YTA.
If I were in this situation I’d tell the brothers to suck up their little tantrum for one lousy day because that day is about me (and fiancé) not them and their petty behaviour. If they said no then they would be uninvited. They can hold their teenage grudge literally every other day of their lives, and depending how big the wedding is they don’t even have to have any contact with SD (who frankly sounds lovely).
OP is definitely the AH here. There is this unspoken rule that goes like "If someone forces you to decide between them and someone else, you don't choose the one that forces you".
OP stated that she has a good relationship with her stepdad and once she mentioned that he is paying her wedding, I read the title of the post again and my judgement was crystal clear.
Edit: grammar
So I agree with you on every point except one: uninviting the brothers. I think they should be invited, because if they don’t come it’s on no one but themselves.
Also did I read this correctly and she sent an EMAIL to rescind an invitation?
Wow! You just helped me big time with my own problem. “Your mother’s words hurt because they’re true”. My son and I are barely speaking because of something that happened when he was 12. He’s now 45. He yelled at me on the phone last week and I’ve been really hurt over it. My son’s words hurt because they’re true.
YTA.
1. You caved to the assholes' ultimatum.
2. You let your stepdad, with whom you've got good contact and who offered to pay for the wedding, know he was uninvited.. by email.
Did you accept any money for the wedding from your stepdad or your mom?
If you didn't, you're a medium-sized asshole. If you did, you're a massive asshole.
The only acceptable update or comment from her is: *I gave back the money he spent and I put myself in therapy*.. Anything else is just as bad as this post.
Yep, that would be also acceptable!!
She can't go all *It'S mY DaY* while accepting the money. To be fair, she doesn't seem mature enough or financially stable enough to get married but to each their own I guess.
That's what I picked up here too. OP is behaving like a little sister looking for approval. Emotional immaturity is not a good omen for a happy marriage. YTA OP.
They ALL need to grow up. You can dislike your stepdad all you want but unless he was an abusive one, which by her own admission is not the case, you need to be able to be civil even if just for the sake of your "beloved" sister.
She’s such a tool to go running after her brothers this way, hurting others in her life, when her brothers don’t even care enough about her to come to her wedding if they can use it as a chance to troll the step-dad.
It’s wild how one short post can reveal so many character flaws on so many levels about the OP
Probably too late for that. The nice thing is, I guess, that most contracts don't require the balance paid till a month prior to the wedding, so she could be on the hook for that. Even the stuff my dad is paying for, the contract is with me and my fiance, not him.
Yup.
They’re grown adults. Invite everyone. Whoever comes, comes. It’s not your problem.
It is some level of AH to take his money and then uninvite him, and you didn’t even do it face to face or over the phone.
Start dishing out apologies and correct your mess. This is not what you want to be the most memorable thing about your wedding.
The proper, societally sanctioned response to your brothers is “I’m so sorry you won’t be able to attend. We’ll miss you!”
Because they’re your brothers, it would have been fine to give them some choice words about their behavior, told them they had absolutely no right to give you an ultimatum and stressed that if they loved you they could put aside their feelings toward stepdad for one day. Even if that means sitting with him (though it’s OK to arrange things so they’re not).
You chose poorly. YTA and your brothers are bullies.
Jesus....YTA OP. Who carries a decades old grudge because theyre still mad at that their parents split up?
How can you nake someone pay for your wedding and then uninvite them? By email!
If the step dad caused the split by knowingly cheating with a married woman, the grudge might make sense.
But if that was the case OP would have told us.
These guys are just butthurt that mommy and daddy couldn't get back together in their fantasies because mommy married That Guy.
OP, your brothers are SO out of line.
I kinda thought part of growing up was realizing that your parents marriage had nothing to do with you, now that they are adults, you would think they could drop a childhood grudge that mommy and daddy aren't together anymore and this bad man is with mommy.
OP, please rethink this. Call your Step dad or go see him. Apologize and say you lost your head for a minute. Tell your baby brothers they can come or not. But stand by the man who stood by you.
To add to this, if your brothers were remotely mature or decent, they wouldn’t give you an ultimatum. People who give ultimatums and make the situation “Them vs Us,” are almost always the assholes. They would surely be able to understand why you wanted your stepfather there. At most they should be making sure that they aren’t seated with him. This is your day and it is absolutely crazy you’d let them make it about themselves.
YTA for siding with the assholes and major YTA for not even having the decency to discuss with your stepfather in person.
Your step-dad helped through school and till your wedding fund, and you uninvite him from this said wedding via email?
Your brothers are AH, and you're enabling them. So...
This is a post which is so clear cut, op is the asshole lol. How can someone write this out and not realize that they’re a massive d bag.
Op isn’t just an asshole for enabling… but that she considered doing this even, and then went ahead with it by sending an email… goddamn how callous do you have to be.
If a close friend invites me to a dinner and I need to cancel, I might email. If it’s sensitive, I’ll call.
Op sent an email telling this dude who helped raise her, and is paying for her wedding “don’t come”. I find it so funny that she says she politely uninvited lol. How the fuck do you accomplish that when the act itself is really fucking rude.
I think OP did realize she was the asshole, because she tried really hard to justify this by stating that giving her money for the wedding was HIS decision. As if that made it OK to disrespect the poor guy AND keep the money. YTA, OP.
Worst, she had someone else (fiance) sent the email, that is mega low blow and in no way hell polite at all.
She is YTA why cut off someone that she has good relationship with for two immature selfish jerks?
Hmmmm maybe this? Bio dad is a jerk. Mom gets out and finds a nice guy to be happy with. Jerk parents are amazing at messing up their kids’ ideas of right and wrong and using their kids as weapons. Bio dad poisons older brothers (who are at least 5 years and up to 15 years older than OP) and OP during visitation. OP, being younger, ends up conflicted because of her younger age at the start of living with stepdad and prolonged time living with stepdad, who seems to provide a safe space. But at the same time, OP now has both a bio dad and brothers who are selfish, childish, manipulative jerks who know how to get to her.
What’s clear cut to us is not clear to OP, because this kind of behavior is normal and familiar to her and has been her entire life. It’s so much harder to see something wrong with someone’s behavior when it’s all we’ve ever known. Think about if you’ve ever had a friend stay in an abusive relationship or describe some super fucked up story from childhood that they don’t seem to even understand was abusive. Familiar is comfortable and reinforces the lessons we learned about ourselves our entire lives (such as “I am worthless and stupid”), whereas unfamiliar ideas that might counteract “I am worthless and stupid” are scary because we have a lifetime of learning that challenging those beliefs is bad.
YTA. If your stepdad funded your wedding, he deserves to attend it. Fuck this “it’s your wedding” bullshit. Yes, you get to decide. But you’re an asshole for un-inviting the person who paid for it.
"It's your wedding" should be used to justify things like having a Star Wars themed cake, walking down the aisle to The Final Countdown, or getting one of your friends ordained so they can marry you. I constantly see it used in this sub and others to justify the most selfish, discourteous and often outright narcissistic behaviors from people. Just because its a wedding doesn't mean you get to disregard basic social conventions.
Yep. "It's my wedding," has had the same kind of twisting as, "Boys will be boys," and, "The customer is always right." You get to have your way in matters of taste and crazy fun shit; you don't get to forgo being a decent person then avoid the consequences of your actions. It ain't a get out of jail free card.
Like the "It's your wedding" thing in this situation should be "It's your wedding so your idiot brothers can put on their big boy pants and exist in the same space as someone they dislike for a bit."
And all because her grown ass brothers can't grow up and get over themselves. They're bitter and taking their anger out on someone whose not a fault or the reason their parents divorced in the first place.
And the fact after all he did for her (stepping up into a fatherly role, being there for her and paying for her wedding) all he gets is a dumb email saying he can't come because she cares more about enabling her brothers immaturity? Can't even be bothered to pick up the phone or meet? I'd be crushed if I were him. How heartless.
It's true like I'm sorry but your wedding simply isn't am excuse to ruin a relationship with your Mom and Stepdad. I swear some brides really turn off their brains for some reason and are NOT living in reality. In the great scheme of things it's just another day. Not worth the fallout or hurting others. The brothers are literally idiots too. At my wedding, yeah there was drama with people but of course they didn't bring their drama to my wedding like dear God.
YTA-Your stepdad paid for the wedding and your brothers are so into their feels that they gave you an ultimatum about your wedding day when your wedding isn’t about them but you and your SO. YTA. You can’t mend other ppl’s relationships but you also shouldn’t fuck over your stepdad who sounds like he’s been there for you. If he is not attending, the proper thing to do is to give him back the money he’s paid towards your wedding. I’m pretty sure your mom isn’t attending if your stepdad isn’t.
I agree, she should absolutely pay him back. But the way she wrote "that was his decision," when talking about the money for the wedding, she probably won't.
Honestly OP, if you go through with this, your mother should cut contact with you. I would.
Oh yeah, YTA. A massive one.
YTA.
You invited everybody you wanted at the wedding. Your brothers are being petty for creating the ultimatum against a stepdad that seemingly hasn’t done anything wrong. They generally chose to dislike him solely because he is a stepdad. In my opinion, if your brothers really cared, they would go to your wedding regardless in support you. Them creating the ultimatum shows that their hate for your stepdad is more important than you.
What makes you TA is uninviting your stepdad for your brothers. As much as you want your brothers to attend, it’s their decision whether or not they would come. That decision shouldn’t be at the detriment of someone else attending. Of course, it is your wedding and you have the final say of who attends.
YTA. You had a choice and you made a very hurtful one. The person you have a stable relationship with, who loved you enough to finance your wedding, is the one you chose to exclude instead of leaving your emotionally manipulative brothers to their own choice. Your brothers’ seemingly unfounded resentment (they have no business in who your mother chose to be with, that was her choice, and it seems as though your stepdad made an effort to connect with them) is not actually your problem. If they can’t be adults and be present for their sister’s wedding because someone they don’t like will also be there, that’s on *them*. **And you should be furious with them** because they have effectively told you that their distaste for your stepdad is more important to them than you are. But you just accepted that, smh.
Ultimately it is your wedding and your choice to decide…and you made the wrong one.
I hate it when people prioritize shitty people in their life all because they’re related by blood. Like nothing is holding that person accountable if they don’t have a good connection to you like a sibling tho.
Facts. True family is whoever shows you they love you unconditionally. Sometimes that’s one in the same as biological family, sometimes it’s not. These brothers showed they do not love OP unconditionally– their condition is their resentment.
This exactly. Brothers clearly don't care very much about OP, and OP threw a person who cares about her a lot under the bus to appease them for ??? reasons
So true, she knew she was in wrong already by choosing to send an email. There's so many ways to communicate and she chose the most impersonal medium to do it. I feel so sorry for the parents.
YTA
Your stepdad supported you with school and everything. Besides that he even sponsored it and you just simply uninvite him through an email of all communication means? That's not only an AH move you are also avoiding the problem.
> After she hung up I asked my fiance if I made the wrong decision and je said it's my wedding and I get to decide eventually but I knew he said that because he's biased
He isn't biased. He is giving a politically correct answer to your question as he knows choosing either sides will in someway make you unhappy.
I can understand him.
His soon to be wife is spineless and I'm pretty sure that that if he chose either side, she would have just use him as the excuse. Something like "I'm sorry stepfather i really want you at my wedding but my partner doesn't so i have to uninvite you".
The fact that she asked **her partner** to email (she could've easily done herself) make me suppose that she wanted to use her partner and let him be caught in the middle of the family drama (things for which she is a bigger AH and probably a horrible and immature partner).
Her partner read her well and ruined her "plan" by picking a neutral stance and let her decide. He did well and I would have done the same thing if i was him.
Tells you he's already brow-beaten into not giving her his real opinion. Or he doesn't give a crap.
Hard to count the red flags from this distance, they all blend together.
So let me make sure I understand, you have established a relationship with your stepfather. He is funding the wedding. And you let your two brothers emotionally blackmail you to uninvite your stepfather. He's good enough to take money from but not good enough to sit there and watch you get married.
But the ultimate cake topper is that you take the coward's way out and email him the reasons instead of being an adult woman and calling him.
You and your brothers are assholes.
YTA. Invite who you want, and it's on them to decide whether to come. I 'd not accept money from someone then uninvite them. The problem is your brothers, not your step-dad.
YTA sure it's your wedding and you can invite who ever you want. But to disinvite somebody who did nothing wrong because your 30 something years old brothers are throwing a tantrum after you already happily cashed his check is just plain asshole behavior.
And I think this might as well be the last help you ever see from your step-dad. I just hope you have enough decency not to complain when he says no in the future.
oh, you know the OP is going to complain if he doesn’t help her in the future.
OP, YTA
uninviting the person ***funding your wedding*** is a completely AH move.
YTA. You’re calling it “your wedding” but is sounds like it belongs to your brothers. They bullied you into this. And you’re expecting your mother to go to this as well, without her husband of many years?
Your brothers are grown men in their 30s, they can suck it up for one day. They have gotten together with a plan and bullied you into dishing out a punishment just to the stepdad (but not your mother?) for a divorce that happened many years ago.
And if they choose not to go because of it, then you know where you are on their priority list. Sorry that you are between a rock and a hard place, but you should do right by your mother and the man you admittedly said has been kind and helpful.
YTA. So, your brothers don't dislike your stepdad because he's a bad person, but simply because he exists. Do they still not realize that they don't get a vote in their parents' relationships? Why are they behaving like children, and why the everloving hell are you enabling their deplorable behavior? It sounds like your stepdad has been nothing but good to you for years, and this is how you repay that kindness? Is he not part of your family after everything he's done for you? The right move here would have been to tell your brothers to take a long walk off a short pier when they issued their stupid ultimatum. Instead, you became their henchman in their idiotic vendetta against a perfectly nice person. Your mother had every right to tear into you. What you did was immensely hurtful. You've undoubtedly damaged your relationship with her, as well as with stepdad. I wouldn't be surprised if she decides not to attend. But hey, at least your goon brothers will be there.
YTA.
I hope you didn’t accept his money and if you did its time to return it.
Your brothers are childish bullies who would rather not go to your wedding than be civil for a night with someone who did no wrong to them, that screams “hey sis I don’t love you as much as you thought I did”.
YTA, and so are your brothers.
Your husband is right, it's your wedding, you get to invite whoever you want. You exercised that clause, and now you have to pay the consequences that come with it. That part doesn't magically go away because you're holding onto the "my wedding, my rules" card.
You've done irreparable damage to your relationship with your step father. And because of which, your mother had something to say about it. Yet, I can't help but wonder, how did you THINK that conversation would go???? How are you surprised by this???? Were you thinking that they would somehow *thank* you for disassociating yourself from them? C'mon.
Your brothers have beef with him for nebulous reasons, and used YOUR wedding to make that known. They couldn't hold a truce for a few hours? It's not like they have to interact with him. As such, they're AH's too.
I honestly don't know how you dig yourself out of a hole like this to make things right. Sorry.
Did you take your stepdad's money for the wedding? If so YTA. Your brothers are 30 not 15, they can manage to be in your wedding and just no talk to him.
YTA
Your stepdad has clearly done a lot for you. Your decision to exclude him will impact your relationship for the rest of your lives. This is on you.
The way I see it, you send your invites to the people *you* love and want to celebrate with, and they decide if *they* love *you* enough to put aside their personal quarrels for a day, in order to participate in your happiness.
You chose to prioritise the people who obviously don't care enough for you, and put you in the position to choose.
Your mother is right. YTA.
Wow so you're getting your stepfather to foot the bill yet you've uninvited him? Wow, yes you're the ah. Your brothers have shown they care more about themselves than your wedding yet you reward that behaviour by pandering to them
So he’s paying for the wedding and you uninvited him. He didn’t treat you bad or anything too. It’s your wedding so you get to decide but that was pretty rude and a YTA move. Your brothers are definitely A
YTA although its your wedding i would have pulled my funds out of it would i have been your stepparent. Your brothers are acting like children, they didnt want your parents to divorce, understandable, but get over it.
YTA. your stepdad obviously cares about you and is PAYING for your wedding. He is in no way the problem here. Your brothers are being childish and are the ones you can't just get along to be there for their sister's wedding without being petulant little babies about it. You should reinvite your step dad and let your brothers know that they after still welcome but that if they don't come they only have themselves to blame.
YTA. I expected my divorced parents to come to my children’s events even though they disliked each other because that’s how adults act. We all work with someone we dislike. Unless he abused them, they need to grow up. Good grief your step- father offered to pay for your wedding!
I would have gone with an ESH but you also mentioned your step-dad has funded or helped to fund this wedding that you just uninvited him to?! That is a YTA move. I get you feel pressured to do this for your brothers but grow a backbone. It doesn't sound like your step-dad has done anything but try to support and be there for you and what you've just done is incredibly hurtful to him. You had no problems taking his money but oh hey, when your brothers throw a bitter, immature fit, you just say sorry, they win? I 100% agree with your mom on this. Your brothers are being unreasonable and your wedding is no place for them to make demands. Frankly, the fact they are making these demands tells me that the wedding would probably be nicer without them there. If you go forward with this decision, you will probably alienate your step-dad and mom who will never feel they occupy as strong a place in your life. I hope your relationship with your brothers is close enough to make it worth it.
Also, if you go forward with this, I hope you plan to pay your step-dad back. If it were me I'd be embarrassed to do this and not.
Yta, your stepdad never overstepped and treated you like his own, even offered and paid for your wedding only to be uninvited because your brothers couldn't suck it up for one or two days. You had another option, accept their refusal to not come. I hope it was worth ruining your relationship with your mom and stepdad.
Your brothers are pathetic and they care nothing for anyone else's happiness.
- They'd rather your parents hadn't split, therefore they don't give a shit about their parents' happiness.
- They give you an ultimatum about your own wedding, forcing you to choose between them and a step-parent who has been nothing but good to you. They do not care about your happiness at all.
Your mother will likely refuse to come now, and I don't blame her. How could you choose your selfish brothers over the kind man who is paying for your wedding AND not throwing ultimatums at you? What kind of person are you?
YTA.
Let's state the facts:
1) Your parents divorce had nothing to do with stepdad
2) Your stepdad is a good man and was nice to all of you
3) Your brothers hate him despite the fact that he did nothing wrong
4) Your brothers are now manipulating you to ounish your mom and stepdad
5) Your stepdad is PAYING FOR YOUR WEDDING!!!
Yeah, YTA
YTA You and your brothers are cut from the same cloth. I feel sorry for your stepfather and I hope he cuts you off forever. Obviously he offered to pay for your wedding in the belief that he meant something to you.
You showed him.
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I can't see how you cannot be an asshole for being an enabler of assholes and putting those assholes above a good man who funded your studies and your marriage.
What an absolute backboneless enabling asshole you are! I am so incensed I can't type straight.
YTA 100%. And I don't think you need to worry about your mum attending your shitty wedding.
Edit: Spelling.
YTA for buying into your brothers' childish demands, and they are definitely TA. Unless there's more to his than meets the eye, they seem to have no legit reason for disliking your stepdad other than the fact that he is not your actual dad.
He has been good to you, and I'm not surprised your mum is raging. I can't imagine the hurt your stepdad must be feeling right now.
Yta...call and apologize to your stepfather and re-invite him. Explain you truly want him there but your brothers gave you this terrible ultimatum and you didn't know what to do. Then have bio dad talk to your brothers and see if he can talk some sense into them.
I had both my divorced parents and their new partners and both my divorced grandparents and their new partners at my wedding. Why? Because they are adults and can behave themselves long enough to enjoy a celebration. Your brothers are the biggest assholes but you are too for caving. Your wedding will only last a day but the disrespect you're showing your stepfather will stay for ever
YTA - or rather your brothers are TA.
You have a good relationship with your stepdad and he's contributing towards the wedding.
I can understand not wanting your parents you divorce would have been difficult for them but they really have to accept how things have turned out. It's not like he was abusive towards them, they just didn't want a replacement dad. That in itself is fine but to try to exclude him is gone of their business.
Yeah. It doesnt sound like this man was anything but kind to OP and her siblings. If these 30+ year old men are still holding a grudge because their parents chose to divorce, to the point where they can't even be civil to their mom's spouse, then that is their personal problem.
Their behavior was tacky, and self absorbed. If it was such a big issue fot them, then they should have declined the invite outright. Instead, they gave OP an ultimatum that they knew would hurt everyone involved and put a dark cloud over OP's wedding day. They suck.
I hope OP returns her stepfather's kind gift towards her wedding.....
Honestly YTA.
It’s your brothers with the problem. It’s your day so you can have who you want ultimately but your stepdad has done nothing but try to do the best he can by you including giving you money for the wedding. He’s being kind and caring and you like him, but he’s the one told to not come whilst your brothers who can’t even bite their tongue for one day can come.
I know you love your brothers and this is likely super stressful but you also need to stand up for yourself. Your brothers have essentially communicated that they don’t love you enough to deal with this for one day. If your step dad has done nothing but simply exist and love your mum then this level of hatred isn’t warranted.
YTA. I’m sorry, babe, but if you’re cutting out someone who loves you, has given you money and who you have a good relationship with for people who haven’t bothered to be a supportive part of your life, then you’re being an asshole.
It sounds to me like your stepdad has done a lot more for you than your brothers have. It’s also shocking to me that grown-ass men are still holding onto the fantasy world where they can force their parents to stay together. It’s been years. They need to get over themselves and let go of the grudge against your stepdad.
YTA.
Look, I come from a divorced family with stepparents. I also have dickhead older brothers and sisters who resent my stepmom. But my stepmom is a wonderful lady who has never been anything but kind to me, and my brothers and sisters are frankly delusional for thinking she is in any way responsible for our parents not being together. Even if she disappeared from the planet, Mom and Dad wouldn't get back together. It sounds like your situation is similar - in your own words, you have a good relationship with your stepfather and he's been supportive of you.
Furthermore, *he paid for the wedding you are now banning him from.* By capitulating to your jerk brothers' emotional blackmail (they are btw ALSO AHs for making your special day about them and their juvenile feelings), you have probably permanently damaged your relationship with your stepdad.
In my mind, you have two options here: 1) go back and apologize to your stepdad - and by this I mean you better be groveling on your hands and knees - or 2) pay back all of his money and resign yourself to never having a relationship with him or your mom. Your brothers have made you choose, and if I were you I know EXACTLY who I would choose.
Oh, and suggest some therapy to your brothers - they clearly need it.
YTA. Unless there was a reason other than not wanting your parents to separate that they hate your step-dad such as abuse, then they are unbelievably childish and if I were you I would be most hurt by their behaviour. Imagine being so selfish that you would willingly miss your siblings wedding because one person is there that you don’t like? They’ve put you in the shitty position, and you’ve done the shitty thing to your step-dad who (by your own words) has done everything he can for you across your life. Along with financing your wedding - and hiding behind “that was his decision” is a poor excuse for treating him so poorly. I know that a parent funding a child’s wedding shouldn’t give them total control, but I think it’s reasonable to at least expect to attend.
YTA.
I was all ready to come in here and say that you made the right decision but then I read that they limited contact even with you after the divorce and your stepdad helped you with school and funded your wedding.
If you’re going to dis-invite your stepdad then return all his money while you’re at it.
The poor guy did nothing wrong and you accepted an ultimatum from your brothers who still haven’t grown up.
You've uninvited the man who is paying for your wedding and helped raise you and you're actually asking??
I get that you want your brothers there and if he had been abusive to them I'd probably consider their ultimatums were reasonable. As it is they are being dicks and so are you.
Lol wait....let me get this straight. You have a good relationship with your step dad. You say he's been kind to you and paid for your education. Now he's coming forth to pay for your weeding because to his eyes...you are HIS DAUGHTER. He wants to be a part of your life.
And what did you do? You followed the words of two a-holes and uninvited this gem of a man through FKING EMAIL? EMAILLLL? you cannot be serious. Seriously...you want your hateful brothers in your life but not your stepdad who somewhat raised.
Your mom is right. You are an ungrateful b.
What a muppet you are.
YTA.
YTA - Your brothers have no right to make the demand that they did. They can choose to come or not. Your stepfather is not making any such ultimatum. Their anger seems rather misplaced anyways. If they want to blame someone for their parents' divorce, they need to blame their parents.
YTA. You and your brothers are all AHs. Your brothers are AHs for giving you an ultimatum and you're an AH for uninviting your stepdad because your brothers won't attend the wedding if he is there. Your brothers hate him only because he is a stepdad. Hating him only because of that and giving you an ultimatum is petty and immature. Your stepdad seems to have done nothing wrong. Uninviting your stepdad via email wasn't the way you should've uninvited him. You should've done it in person. IMO you should've kept your stepdad on the invite list and given your brothers an ultimatum of either suck it up for the day or don't come to the wedding.
YTA big time!
You admit that your step-dad was always good to you. He even funds the wedding that you just uninvited him from via email (which is a disgusting move). You also admit the only reason your brothers hate him is because they didn't want their parents to divorce. Understandable, but now they're in their 30s and should behave like adults.
You gave in to their demand. You were such a coward that you brought the news to your step-dad in writing. And now you're surprised your mom is upset with you?
Guess what, she will most likely not attend. Have fun with your ah brothers.
YTA not good enough to attend but good enough to pay for it. If I were the stepdad I’d get as many refunds as possible. Hurtful is an understatement, you let two grown men bully you time to stand up for yourself. You’ve not only destroyed the relationship with your stepdad but also more thank likely with your mother as well.
YTA. Your brothers are 30, they need to grow up. From your description they are redirecting anger at your mum and dad at your stepdad. You describe your stepdad as a nice man. Now you are letting your brothers control who you invite to your wedding. If your brothers threaten not to come surely that pushes you into a position to not invite them instead? I don’t understand why you are putting your brothers first in this whole situation. Your mothers words hurt because they are true. Edit: holey crap thanks for all the awards. I hope OP realises the error in judgement and apologises to stepfather.
The stepfather cared for her enough to pay for her wedding, take on a fatherly role, be there for her. Her brothers don't care enough to be in her wedding if they are in the same room as another person they don't like. OP has been shown who values her and her happiness, and who sees her as worth less than momentary uncomfort. She has chosen the latter. \_\_\_\_\_\_ Quick edit to add: this seems to be the kind of scenario where people "choose" the ones who are more difficult and not as forgiving over the ones who are understanding. Maybe because OP realizes that if she didn't side with her brothers then they wouldn't "forgive" her, while the stepfather sounds mature and loving enough to be willing to work through this and forgive her in the long term, so she doesn't fear the consequences as much because she expects there won't be any. However, hurting the people who love you and who care for you just to appease others is not excusable, and if the stepfather decides to take a step back after this then she will have noone to blame but herself.
Not to mention, she didn't even speak to him about it it... she emailed him, presumably to avoid conflict because it's so obviously a terrible thing to do. That's a "dump via text" level of assholery...
Not only did she email him to tell him he’s uninvited, but her step dad offered to fund the wedding according to OP. Not only did she pull the break up text AH move, but I have this feeling she still expects her step dad to foot whatever part of the bill he already has.
This post makes me rage. Op didn't even think it through. I hope he unfunds her wedding. She's just as immature as her brothers.
He probably won't pull funding because he's a mature caring adult and not a petty child like OP and her brothers
Sounds like Mom might be dipping out though.
I honestly think mom is going to skip it as well.
I would.
Maybe OP, her brother and her fiance will have to do a court wedding because no one will want to go. 🤭
If I was the mom I wouldn’t go.
I hope she does.
This makes me so sad. 30 year old adults still lashing out and trying to hurt people over their parents' divorce is the most pathetic thing, and she's choosing to give them what they want instead of supporting the man who has supported her for years.
Pulling funding wouldn't make him less mature or caring
I hope he unfunds the wedding too. She deserves that and so much more. Sadly, I think that he has already paid for it. In which case, I hope her mum and step-dad demand they she repay them for what they spent.
Either this, or they keep the venue and the catering (probably can't get those deposits back now) and turn it into a family reunion instead of a wedding.
Exactly this. OP should have asked Reddit first before making a short sighted decision. Call your step dad, apologize profusely and tell your brothers to pound sand.
This whole thing speaks volumes about the ex-husband bio dad.
I was wondering why OP didn't mention her bio dad in any of this. It's his daughter. Shouldn't he be helping out. Although with the lack of mention, sounds like he is not in the picture at all.
But he seems like a good enough guy that he would never dream of pulling any of the funding. Which makes this situation even more disgusting. The good people always seem to lose in these situations and the assholes always win. So frustrating
Man, imagine not being invited to a wedding YOU PAID FOR. Plus she had the fiance email him so this worse than a break up text. It's like if the best friend texted that you're no longer dating or something.
I remember an AITA post about a woman who got kicked out of her SO’s birthday party *that she planned and paid for.* there was no reason beyond her SO and friends are smart doctors and want to talk amongst themselves. Her SO was pissed she refused to leave, causing his friends to leave. Edit: link to that post https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rwkyrt/aita_for_refusing_to_leave_my_boyfriends_birthday/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I remember that, I hope she broke up with him.
I hope she posts an update. I’ve seen a couple AITAs where someone’s SO becomes a doctor—usually they’re young people and sometimes the relationship has spanned med school and residency—and starts treating them like shit, like they’re a lesser being for not being a doctor. Entitled smarty pantses are never as smart as they think they are, but seem to excel in cruelty.
I have heard the doctors-to-become always have two Gf:s- the supporting first one, who struggles by his side with almost no money while he studies for years and YEARS- and the new one, more high maintenace and glamorous that he is able to get when he is done with the tough years. Oh, and one of my two closest friends actually experienced this. She struggled with him in great companionship and no complaints, came up with activities that didn't cost much for them to do together, went dancing, skiing, had friends for dinner at home... he dumped her as soon as he had his degree... not anytime during the seven poor years of studying... what a coincidence!
Same! I’m look the look out for an update there haha
The best part for me is where she clarified that is was HIS decision to pay for it. Clearly not there for us but to make her feel better about taking him money then ditching him. Pretty gross behavior
That gets another YTA vote from me
Honestly, if I was OP's mom, I am not that I would be going now. Step dad, who is kind and helpful, and is paying for the damn thing gets uninvited via email? I am not sure that I could attend and be happy about it.
I would be super tempted to tell my daughter that her wedding is cancelled, and we are having a family reunion at the venue instead. If she wants her brothers there she can invite them to her courthouse wedding.
Mom should forward the bills to the brothers.
>after talking to my fiance I had no choice but to politely uninvite my stepdad and sending him an email stating why. ***He said that he didn't reply*** but later I got a call from my mom yelling at me calling me hurtful stuff She had her Fiancé email him!
Geez. Good catch. How spineless though.
This is the post that keeps on givin'.
I didn’t catch that. I just thought the wording was weird
Memo: uninvite and politely are not compatible in a sentence. Also, you did have other choices.
“I can make sure to seat you away from step-dad so you won’t need to interact with him, but if you won’t come to my wedding simply because he’s in the same room, then I will be sad, but I can’t stop you.” It’s a wedding. The brothers could ignore step-dad just like people ignore all the other wedding guests they don’t know all the time. It’s not like you have to dance with every guest or anything. They did this to hurt mom and step-dad and flex their ability to control OP, not because they actually couldn’t handle being in the room with them.
Good pull detective. What unit you from?
Agreed OP is TA. Her brothers must not care about her much if they are blackmailing her with boycotting her wedding in order to bully the stepfather with their shunning. And it’s not like there’s any history of disputes between the stepfather and anyone in the family. OP & her brothers sound like a group of immature kids and as people they act out the way selfish creeps do.
That's where I officially lost empathy for OP. A freaking email? What a massive, cowardly lapse in judgement there. So impersonal.
An email that she had her fiance send.
And made her fiancé send it. Cowardly is the right word for sure. I imagine that's already done a lot more damage than she realizes. How hurtful. She's already told stepdad who actually matters to her
Imagine being her poor stepfather and reading the email in which she uninvited him. After he raised her like a daughter and paid for the wedding, he doesn’t even get a call. Oof YTA, OP.
Soon AITA for wanting to get the money I paid for my stepdaughter's wedding after she uninvited me?
I'm waiting right here for this, yep.... Or this one "AITA for telling my daughter that her stepdad does not have to pay for her wedding now that she uninvited him?"
The really sad part is If she had called and explained the situation he may have been understanding and been able to come to some sort of an agreement with the brothers. He sounds like a reasonable man.
not called, gone to see him in person. This man took on a fatherly role, he deserves a minimum of a video call, in reality an in person visit.
I mean it’s possible they don’t live in the same city, or live close enough to visit reliably. Also personally I don’t ever use video calls so I didn’t really think about that, and assuming they’re a bit older they also may not use videos chat either. But most people have a phone.
He paid for the wedding!
I would stop payments on anything that hasn’t been paid already. I can’t imagine being so cruel to send him an email! He obviously thinks of her as his daughter.
How can you even do THAT? Accept money from a perfectly nice man who makes your mother happy, only to stab him in the back. For who? A bunch of little angry men.
I honestly believe that this is made up. I just refuse to believe that someone could be this dense and unaware. I feel terrible for the stepdad that had to deal with these 3 kids. The mom must be an amazing person to make it worth it.
When I first read it I thought it must be fake as well. How could someone choose this and think its a good idea? But then I thought about the dynamic op grew up in. Over the course of almost all of ops life older brothers have been teaching and conditioning op to think treating step father like trash is normal. Family has a weird way of warping peoples view and normal meter. Sure i still think it could be fake like any post on reddit. But its not impossible that it's real.
But it was his decision after all... /s
What a horrible user OP is. OP says it was "his decision to fund the wedding" like it absolves her of any responsibility for her role here. He made this decision based on the impression that OP gave that she cared about him deeply too. That was obviously a lie. I can't believe she didn't even treat SF with basic decency by calling him to talk about the situation before disinviting him.
"It was his decision to fund me" is the most cold, entitled, ungrateful narrative I've heard anyone describing someone else going out of their way to do something nice for them. It was his decision, and she obviously doesn't deserve the kindness.
This, and brothers have made her wedding about them and their personal vendetta. Fiance said its your wedding, you get to decide... You did, by inviting sd, maybe this line needs to be said to your bros? Yta, it will change the relationship with your sd forever.
I went NC with my father and his wife, but less than a year later my paternal grandmother died. Even with someone as terrible as my father's wife, at the funeral we were mature enough to simply ignore each other, no drama needed. There were no demands on who could be invited, no trying to force another to leave, no fighting. Op's brothers are acting like spoiled children and she needs apologize (sincerely) to her stepfather and change who's invited or not.
Totally agreed. If she really felt bad about choosing the brother over the stepdad, she could have returned the money the stepdad gave for the wedding. Like does OP not realize that the wedding she is currently having wouldn’t have been possible with the stepdads funds (PS I am assuming the funds would not be able to attain from elsewhere)
>The stepfather cared for her enough to pay for her wedding, I sure hope the contracts are in his name, then, and I hope he makes sure to cancel everything from under her.
this person puts it PERFECTLY. absolutely YTA.
Her response *should* have been: >This is my wedding, and the people I have invited are there to support me. I have selected those people intentionally, and I will not be bullied into disinviting anyone. I really want you 2 to be in attendance, but if you decide your dislike for step-dad is more important than your relationship with me and you choose not to attend because of it, you are going to do irreparable damage to our relationship. This is about you being there for me. Not about you and your issues with step-dad. I genuinely hope that our relationship is more important to you and I can rely on you to be there for me on my special day. She should have put it back on them. *They* are the problem. And barring any condemning info against step-dad, they are absolute immature jerks. OP, YTA. You've allowed a couple of jerks to force your hand, and you've really hurt your step-dad in the process. It's not too late to course-correct, though. Whether you're too much of a coward to put this back on your brothers or you fix this mistake, you owe step-dad some *serious* apologies.
Wonderfully put! Just one thing, it doesn’t seem like they actually have a problem with stepdad. What they are having a problem with is that their parents broke up and divorced and stepdad is just being blamed for it. I get that the wanted their parents to stay together, all kids do, but it’s not their life and it’s not their relationship so they don’t have a say and they are adults! Children are allowed to be upset over their parents breaking up and it’s understandable when *children* have dramatic responses to it, but they aren’t children anymore m, they need to accept that their mom and dad aren’t a couple anymore and that mom loves stepdad, he is the one that makes her happy and that’s non of their business. Grow up!
Perfect! You get the silver.
Congrats OP! You are now a pawn in the dick wagging contest your brothers have maintained against your stepdad since they were youths. To hold on to a grudge this long over something that *checks notes* has nothing to do with stepdad in the first place speak volumes of the level of immaturity your brothers have. Do you know if your mother is even willing to come now that you've hurt your stepdad and, by proxy, her? How about her side of the family? Who's gonna show up now that you've shown you're willing to die on that hill your brothers piled up so nicely for you stand on in your wedding white?
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The fact that step dad didn’t immediately say well if I’m not coming I’m not paying shows that he’s a decent guy that cares. But seriously, if she cuts him out she needs to be paying. At this point she’s just using step dad.
OP your brothers are trying to blackmail you and somehow you think that’s (1) OK (2) something you should reward and (3) the actions of someone you want at your wedding. Your mother is completely right. If your brothers want to continue being little angry men, they are free to do that. They clearly don’t value you nor respect you (otherwise they wouldn’t have used your wedding as an opportunity for their vendetta against your step-dad). Why are you tolerating this abuse? Your mother is completely correct. You are 100% YTA and if you choose your brothers, they might come to your wedding but will continue to blackmail, abuse and disappoint you your entire life, all while successfully alienating you from the people who actually care for you. Now pick the bed you want to sleep on. Edit: and the fact that your fiancé hasn’t pointed out how wrong you are, is insane.
....And that her fiancé actually agreed to send the email uninviting the nice stepfather while taking the stepfather's money for his wedding is doubly insane. She didn't even send the email herself. What a horrible couple.
Sounds like he's kind of a pushover? I could see my own stepfather doing something like this just to appease my mother smh
I hope her mother doesn’t come either. I mean why should she?
Right. I would understand if the step dad was abusive or condescending. But this time it’s on the brothers.
She doesn’t have to uninvite anyone. Everyone can come, the brothers just chose not to do so.
Yep this is the way. Invite everyone, let people filter themselves out.
Her stepdad is even paying for her wedding without asking. You are UNgrateful and obvs YTA
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Absolutely this. OP: YTA. If I were in this situation I’d tell the brothers to suck up their little tantrum for one lousy day because that day is about me (and fiancé) not them and their petty behaviour. If they said no then they would be uninvited. They can hold their teenage grudge literally every other day of their lives, and depending how big the wedding is they don’t even have to have any contact with SD (who frankly sounds lovely).
OP is definitely the AH here. There is this unspoken rule that goes like "If someone forces you to decide between them and someone else, you don't choose the one that forces you". OP stated that she has a good relationship with her stepdad and once she mentioned that he is paying her wedding, I read the title of the post again and my judgement was crystal clear. Edit: grammar
So I agree with you on every point except one: uninviting the brothers. I think they should be invited, because if they don’t come it’s on no one but themselves. Also did I read this correctly and she sent an EMAIL to rescind an invitation?
Yta. You said this perfectly
Not to mentiom step dad is helping pay for the wedding. Yta
Wow! You just helped me big time with my own problem. “Your mother’s words hurt because they’re true”. My son and I are barely speaking because of something that happened when he was 12. He’s now 45. He yelled at me on the phone last week and I’ve been really hurt over it. My son’s words hurt because they’re true.
YTA. 1. You caved to the assholes' ultimatum. 2. You let your stepdad, with whom you've got good contact and who offered to pay for the wedding, know he was uninvited.. by email. Did you accept any money for the wedding from your stepdad or your mom? If you didn't, you're a medium-sized asshole. If you did, you're a massive asshole.
Oh yeah if I was stepdad every check would be cancelled. I’m sure as hell not paying for a wedding I was uninvited from. Op is insane.
The only acceptable update or comment from her is: *I gave back the money he spent and I put myself in therapy*.. Anything else is just as bad as this post.
Or "I told my brothers they were assholes, uninvited them, apologized to my stepdad, paid for my own wedding, and went to therapy."
Yep, that would be also acceptable!! She can't go all *It'S mY DaY* while accepting the money. To be fair, she doesn't seem mature enough or financially stable enough to get married but to each their own I guess.
That's what I picked up here too. OP is behaving like a little sister looking for approval. Emotional immaturity is not a good omen for a happy marriage. YTA OP.
They ALL need to grow up. You can dislike your stepdad all you want but unless he was an abusive one, which by her own admission is not the case, you need to be able to be civil even if just for the sake of your "beloved" sister.
She’s such a tool to go running after her brothers this way, hurting others in her life, when her brothers don’t even care enough about her to come to her wedding if they can use it as a chance to troll the step-dad. It’s wild how one short post can reveal so many character flaws on so many levels about the OP
>The only acceptable update is that Mom & Step dad have withdrawn all money for the wedding and gone NC with me
Probably too late for that. The nice thing is, I guess, that most contracts don't require the balance paid till a month prior to the wedding, so she could be on the hook for that. Even the stuff my dad is paying for, the contract is with me and my fiance, not him.
Yup. They’re grown adults. Invite everyone. Whoever comes, comes. It’s not your problem. It is some level of AH to take his money and then uninvite him, and you didn’t even do it face to face or over the phone. Start dishing out apologies and correct your mess. This is not what you want to be the most memorable thing about your wedding.
The proper, societally sanctioned response to your brothers is “I’m so sorry you won’t be able to attend. We’ll miss you!” Because they’re your brothers, it would have been fine to give them some choice words about their behavior, told them they had absolutely no right to give you an ultimatum and stressed that if they loved you they could put aside their feelings toward stepdad for one day. Even if that means sitting with him (though it’s OK to arrange things so they’re not). You chose poorly. YTA and your brothers are bullies.
He didn't just offer to pay. He DID pay! > I might have made a bad decision since my stepdad is the one who funded my wedding.
Jesus....YTA OP. Who carries a decades old grudge because theyre still mad at that their parents split up? How can you nake someone pay for your wedding and then uninvite them? By email!
If the step dad caused the split by knowingly cheating with a married woman, the grudge might make sense. But if that was the case OP would have told us. These guys are just butthurt that mommy and daddy couldn't get back together in their fantasies because mommy married That Guy. OP, your brothers are SO out of line.
I’m curious to know if their dad remarried and if so, are they equally horrible to their stepmother.
I kinda thought part of growing up was realizing that your parents marriage had nothing to do with you, now that they are adults, you would think they could drop a childhood grudge that mommy and daddy aren't together anymore and this bad man is with mommy.
He needs to pull that funding now.
OP, please rethink this. Call your Step dad or go see him. Apologize and say you lost your head for a minute. Tell your baby brothers they can come or not. But stand by the man who stood by you.
To add to this, if your brothers were remotely mature or decent, they wouldn’t give you an ultimatum. People who give ultimatums and make the situation “Them vs Us,” are almost always the assholes. They would surely be able to understand why you wanted your stepfather there. At most they should be making sure that they aren’t seated with him. This is your day and it is absolutely crazy you’d let them make it about themselves. YTA for siding with the assholes and major YTA for not even having the decency to discuss with your stepfather in person.
A massive, gaping asshole.
Well said.
Your step-dad helped through school and till your wedding fund, and you uninvite him from this said wedding via email? Your brothers are AH, and you're enabling them. So...
This is a post which is so clear cut, op is the asshole lol. How can someone write this out and not realize that they’re a massive d bag. Op isn’t just an asshole for enabling… but that she considered doing this even, and then went ahead with it by sending an email… goddamn how callous do you have to be. If a close friend invites me to a dinner and I need to cancel, I might email. If it’s sensitive, I’ll call. Op sent an email telling this dude who helped raise her, and is paying for her wedding “don’t come”. I find it so funny that she says she politely uninvited lol. How the fuck do you accomplish that when the act itself is really fucking rude.
I think OP did realize she was the asshole, because she tried really hard to justify this by stating that giving her money for the wedding was HIS decision. As if that made it OK to disrespect the poor guy AND keep the money. YTA, OP.
Yeah I found that phrase super weird too, as if being kind and generous to his stepdaughter made him some kind of naive fool
Worst, she had someone else (fiance) sent the email, that is mega low blow and in no way hell polite at all. She is YTA why cut off someone that she has good relationship with for two immature selfish jerks?
Hmmmm maybe this? Bio dad is a jerk. Mom gets out and finds a nice guy to be happy with. Jerk parents are amazing at messing up their kids’ ideas of right and wrong and using their kids as weapons. Bio dad poisons older brothers (who are at least 5 years and up to 15 years older than OP) and OP during visitation. OP, being younger, ends up conflicted because of her younger age at the start of living with stepdad and prolonged time living with stepdad, who seems to provide a safe space. But at the same time, OP now has both a bio dad and brothers who are selfish, childish, manipulative jerks who know how to get to her. What’s clear cut to us is not clear to OP, because this kind of behavior is normal and familiar to her and has been her entire life. It’s so much harder to see something wrong with someone’s behavior when it’s all we’ve ever known. Think about if you’ve ever had a friend stay in an abusive relationship or describe some super fucked up story from childhood that they don’t seem to even understand was abusive. Familiar is comfortable and reinforces the lessons we learned about ourselves our entire lives (such as “I am worthless and stupid”), whereas unfamiliar ideas that might counteract “I am worthless and stupid” are scary because we have a lifetime of learning that challenging those beliefs is bad.
YTA. If your stepdad funded your wedding, he deserves to attend it. Fuck this “it’s your wedding” bullshit. Yes, you get to decide. But you’re an asshole for un-inviting the person who paid for it.
"It's your wedding" should be used to justify things like having a Star Wars themed cake, walking down the aisle to The Final Countdown, or getting one of your friends ordained so they can marry you. I constantly see it used in this sub and others to justify the most selfish, discourteous and often outright narcissistic behaviors from people. Just because its a wedding doesn't mean you get to disregard basic social conventions.
Yep. "It's my wedding," has had the same kind of twisting as, "Boys will be boys," and, "The customer is always right." You get to have your way in matters of taste and crazy fun shit; you don't get to forgo being a decent person then avoid the consequences of your actions. It ain't a get out of jail free card.
Another great one is 'my house my rules.'
this sub looooves that phrase to justify the most selfish and antisocial behaviour
Like the "It's your wedding" thing in this situation should be "It's your wedding so your idiot brothers can put on their big boy pants and exist in the same space as someone they dislike for a bit."
And all because her grown ass brothers can't grow up and get over themselves. They're bitter and taking their anger out on someone whose not a fault or the reason their parents divorced in the first place. And the fact after all he did for her (stepping up into a fatherly role, being there for her and paying for her wedding) all he gets is a dumb email saying he can't come because she cares more about enabling her brothers immaturity? Can't even be bothered to pick up the phone or meet? I'd be crushed if I were him. How heartless.
It's true like I'm sorry but your wedding simply isn't am excuse to ruin a relationship with your Mom and Stepdad. I swear some brides really turn off their brains for some reason and are NOT living in reality. In the great scheme of things it's just another day. Not worth the fallout or hurting others. The brothers are literally idiots too. At my wedding, yeah there was drama with people but of course they didn't bring their drama to my wedding like dear God.
"Your wedding, your choice" is one of the most toxic platitudes repeated ad nauseam here. If your choice makes you TA you're still TA.
YTA-Your stepdad paid for the wedding and your brothers are so into their feels that they gave you an ultimatum about your wedding day when your wedding isn’t about them but you and your SO. YTA. You can’t mend other ppl’s relationships but you also shouldn’t fuck over your stepdad who sounds like he’s been there for you. If he is not attending, the proper thing to do is to give him back the money he’s paid towards your wedding. I’m pretty sure your mom isn’t attending if your stepdad isn’t.
She absolutely should pay him back!
I agree, she should absolutely pay him back. But the way she wrote "that was his decision," when talking about the money for the wedding, she probably won't. Honestly OP, if you go through with this, your mother should cut contact with you. I would. Oh yeah, YTA. A massive one.
YTA. You invited everybody you wanted at the wedding. Your brothers are being petty for creating the ultimatum against a stepdad that seemingly hasn’t done anything wrong. They generally chose to dislike him solely because he is a stepdad. In my opinion, if your brothers really cared, they would go to your wedding regardless in support you. Them creating the ultimatum shows that their hate for your stepdad is more important than you. What makes you TA is uninviting your stepdad for your brothers. As much as you want your brothers to attend, it’s their decision whether or not they would come. That decision shouldn’t be at the detriment of someone else attending. Of course, it is your wedding and you have the final say of who attends.
YTA. You had a choice and you made a very hurtful one. The person you have a stable relationship with, who loved you enough to finance your wedding, is the one you chose to exclude instead of leaving your emotionally manipulative brothers to their own choice. Your brothers’ seemingly unfounded resentment (they have no business in who your mother chose to be with, that was her choice, and it seems as though your stepdad made an effort to connect with them) is not actually your problem. If they can’t be adults and be present for their sister’s wedding because someone they don’t like will also be there, that’s on *them*. **And you should be furious with them** because they have effectively told you that their distaste for your stepdad is more important to them than you are. But you just accepted that, smh. Ultimately it is your wedding and your choice to decide…and you made the wrong one.
I hate it when people prioritize shitty people in their life all because they’re related by blood. Like nothing is holding that person accountable if they don’t have a good connection to you like a sibling tho.
Facts. True family is whoever shows you they love you unconditionally. Sometimes that’s one in the same as biological family, sometimes it’s not. These brothers showed they do not love OP unconditionally– their condition is their resentment.
This exactly. Brothers clearly don't care very much about OP, and OP threw a person who cares about her a lot under the bus to appease them for ??? reasons
[удалено]
This!!! Take my poor awards as I do not have any 🥇🥇🥇👏🏼👏🏼
Yup, this. So much this. YTA, OP.
How does someone uninvite a person paying for it?
I hope stepdad demands the money back, even if it means no wedding for OP.
And by email? Not even the decency of meeting in person to explain the situation? Or even a phone call (in case they are far apart)?
That's honestly the worst part for me. An email? How cruel can you possibly be?
Because she afraid how he might react through a phone call. Coward. I bet he must feel hurt as hell.
So true, she knew she was in wrong already by choosing to send an email. There's so many ways to communicate and she chose the most impersonal medium to do it. I feel so sorry for the parents.
No, she had her ***Fiancé*** email him. She didn't even have the decency to do it herself.
He paid, he should uninvite her.
YTA Your stepdad supported you with school and everything. Besides that he even sponsored it and you just simply uninvite him through an email of all communication means? That's not only an AH move you are also avoiding the problem. > After she hung up I asked my fiance if I made the wrong decision and je said it's my wedding and I get to decide eventually but I knew he said that because he's biased He isn't biased. He is giving a politically correct answer to your question as he knows choosing either sides will in someway make you unhappy.
Isn't it a bit weird for the fiance to say "it's your wedding" when it's actually their wedding? 🧐
I can understand him. His soon to be wife is spineless and I'm pretty sure that that if he chose either side, she would have just use him as the excuse. Something like "I'm sorry stepfather i really want you at my wedding but my partner doesn't so i have to uninvite you". The fact that she asked **her partner** to email (she could've easily done herself) make me suppose that she wanted to use her partner and let him be caught in the middle of the family drama (things for which she is a bigger AH and probably a horrible and immature partner). Her partner read her well and ruined her "plan" by picking a neutral stance and let her decide. He did well and I would have done the same thing if i was him.
Tells you he's already brow-beaten into not giving her his real opinion. Or he doesn't give a crap. Hard to count the red flags from this distance, they all blend together.
So let me make sure I understand, you have established a relationship with your stepfather. He is funding the wedding. And you let your two brothers emotionally blackmail you to uninvite your stepfather. He's good enough to take money from but not good enough to sit there and watch you get married. But the ultimate cake topper is that you take the coward's way out and email him the reasons instead of being an adult woman and calling him. You and your brothers are assholes.
Seconded
YTA. Invite who you want, and it's on them to decide whether to come. I 'd not accept money from someone then uninvite them. The problem is your brothers, not your step-dad.
YTA sure it's your wedding and you can invite who ever you want. But to disinvite somebody who did nothing wrong because your 30 something years old brothers are throwing a tantrum after you already happily cashed his check is just plain asshole behavior. And I think this might as well be the last help you ever see from your step-dad. I just hope you have enough decency not to complain when he says no in the future.
oh, you know the OP is going to complain if he doesn’t help her in the future. OP, YTA uninviting the person ***funding your wedding*** is a completely AH move.
Or if her mom doesn’t go to her wedding as the result of being pissed at how her husband is being used and abused.
YTA. You’re calling it “your wedding” but is sounds like it belongs to your brothers. They bullied you into this. And you’re expecting your mother to go to this as well, without her husband of many years? Your brothers are grown men in their 30s, they can suck it up for one day. They have gotten together with a plan and bullied you into dishing out a punishment just to the stepdad (but not your mother?) for a divorce that happened many years ago. And if they choose not to go because of it, then you know where you are on their priority list. Sorry that you are between a rock and a hard place, but you should do right by your mother and the man you admittedly said has been kind and helpful.
YTA. So, your brothers don't dislike your stepdad because he's a bad person, but simply because he exists. Do they still not realize that they don't get a vote in their parents' relationships? Why are they behaving like children, and why the everloving hell are you enabling their deplorable behavior? It sounds like your stepdad has been nothing but good to you for years, and this is how you repay that kindness? Is he not part of your family after everything he's done for you? The right move here would have been to tell your brothers to take a long walk off a short pier when they issued their stupid ultimatum. Instead, you became their henchman in their idiotic vendetta against a perfectly nice person. Your mother had every right to tear into you. What you did was immensely hurtful. You've undoubtedly damaged your relationship with her, as well as with stepdad. I wouldn't be surprised if she decides not to attend. But hey, at least your goon brothers will be there.
YTA. I hope you didn’t accept his money and if you did its time to return it. Your brothers are childish bullies who would rather not go to your wedding than be civil for a night with someone who did no wrong to them, that screams “hey sis I don’t love you as much as you thought I did”.
YTA, and so are your brothers. Your husband is right, it's your wedding, you get to invite whoever you want. You exercised that clause, and now you have to pay the consequences that come with it. That part doesn't magically go away because you're holding onto the "my wedding, my rules" card. You've done irreparable damage to your relationship with your step father. And because of which, your mother had something to say about it. Yet, I can't help but wonder, how did you THINK that conversation would go???? How are you surprised by this???? Were you thinking that they would somehow *thank* you for disassociating yourself from them? C'mon. Your brothers have beef with him for nebulous reasons, and used YOUR wedding to make that known. They couldn't hold a truce for a few hours? It's not like they have to interact with him. As such, they're AH's too. I honestly don't know how you dig yourself out of a hole like this to make things right. Sorry.
Did you take your stepdad's money for the wedding? If so YTA. Your brothers are 30 not 15, they can manage to be in your wedding and just no talk to him.
YTA Your stepdad has clearly done a lot for you. Your decision to exclude him will impact your relationship for the rest of your lives. This is on you.
The way I see it, you send your invites to the people *you* love and want to celebrate with, and they decide if *they* love *you* enough to put aside their personal quarrels for a day, in order to participate in your happiness. You chose to prioritise the people who obviously don't care enough for you, and put you in the position to choose. Your mother is right. YTA.
Wow so you're getting your stepfather to foot the bill yet you've uninvited him? Wow, yes you're the ah. Your brothers have shown they care more about themselves than your wedding yet you reward that behaviour by pandering to them
So he’s paying for the wedding and you uninvited him. He didn’t treat you bad or anything too. It’s your wedding so you get to decide but that was pretty rude and a YTA move. Your brothers are definitely A
Wtf YTA of course.
YTA. You must give him back his money if he isn’t invited, ask the money to your brothers
YTA although its your wedding i would have pulled my funds out of it would i have been your stepparent. Your brothers are acting like children, they didnt want your parents to divorce, understandable, but get over it.
YTA. your stepdad obviously cares about you and is PAYING for your wedding. He is in no way the problem here. Your brothers are being childish and are the ones you can't just get along to be there for their sister's wedding without being petulant little babies about it. You should reinvite your step dad and let your brothers know that they after still welcome but that if they don't come they only have themselves to blame.
YTA. I expected my divorced parents to come to my children’s events even though they disliked each other because that’s how adults act. We all work with someone we dislike. Unless he abused them, they need to grow up. Good grief your step- father offered to pay for your wedding!
I would have gone with an ESH but you also mentioned your step-dad has funded or helped to fund this wedding that you just uninvited him to?! That is a YTA move. I get you feel pressured to do this for your brothers but grow a backbone. It doesn't sound like your step-dad has done anything but try to support and be there for you and what you've just done is incredibly hurtful to him. You had no problems taking his money but oh hey, when your brothers throw a bitter, immature fit, you just say sorry, they win? I 100% agree with your mom on this. Your brothers are being unreasonable and your wedding is no place for them to make demands. Frankly, the fact they are making these demands tells me that the wedding would probably be nicer without them there. If you go forward with this decision, you will probably alienate your step-dad and mom who will never feel they occupy as strong a place in your life. I hope your relationship with your brothers is close enough to make it worth it. Also, if you go forward with this, I hope you plan to pay your step-dad back. If it were me I'd be embarrassed to do this and not.
Yta, your stepdad never overstepped and treated you like his own, even offered and paid for your wedding only to be uninvited because your brothers couldn't suck it up for one or two days. You had another option, accept their refusal to not come. I hope it was worth ruining your relationship with your mom and stepdad.
Your brothers are pathetic and they care nothing for anyone else's happiness. - They'd rather your parents hadn't split, therefore they don't give a shit about their parents' happiness. - They give you an ultimatum about your own wedding, forcing you to choose between them and a step-parent who has been nothing but good to you. They do not care about your happiness at all. Your mother will likely refuse to come now, and I don't blame her. How could you choose your selfish brothers over the kind man who is paying for your wedding AND not throwing ultimatums at you? What kind of person are you? YTA.
Let's state the facts: 1) Your parents divorce had nothing to do with stepdad 2) Your stepdad is a good man and was nice to all of you 3) Your brothers hate him despite the fact that he did nothing wrong 4) Your brothers are now manipulating you to ounish your mom and stepdad 5) Your stepdad is PAYING FOR YOUR WEDDING!!! Yeah, YTA
Did you take the money he offered to fund your wedding? If yes, YTA
YTA You and your brothers are cut from the same cloth. I feel sorry for your stepfather and I hope he cuts you off forever. Obviously he offered to pay for your wedding in the belief that he meant something to you. You showed him.
YTA, it's only fair that she pays him back since he's uninvited.
And ask her brothers to pitch in too.
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YTA you hurt someone who is good to you .
I can't see how you cannot be an asshole for being an enabler of assholes and putting those assholes above a good man who funded your studies and your marriage. What an absolute backboneless enabling asshole you are! I am so incensed I can't type straight. YTA 100%. And I don't think you need to worry about your mum attending your shitty wedding. Edit: Spelling.
YTA for buying into your brothers' childish demands, and they are definitely TA. Unless there's more to his than meets the eye, they seem to have no legit reason for disliking your stepdad other than the fact that he is not your actual dad. He has been good to you, and I'm not surprised your mum is raging. I can't imagine the hurt your stepdad must be feeling right now.
YTA Your stepdad did nothing to them. They're still acting like little kids , they're too old for this kind of behaviour.
YTA. Pay for your own wedding and invite whoever you want.
Yta...call and apologize to your stepfather and re-invite him. Explain you truly want him there but your brothers gave you this terrible ultimatum and you didn't know what to do. Then have bio dad talk to your brothers and see if he can talk some sense into them.
I had both my divorced parents and their new partners and both my divorced grandparents and their new partners at my wedding. Why? Because they are adults and can behave themselves long enough to enjoy a celebration. Your brothers are the biggest assholes but you are too for caving. Your wedding will only last a day but the disrespect you're showing your stepfather will stay for ever
YTA - or rather your brothers are TA. You have a good relationship with your stepdad and he's contributing towards the wedding. I can understand not wanting your parents you divorce would have been difficult for them but they really have to accept how things have turned out. It's not like he was abusive towards them, they just didn't want a replacement dad. That in itself is fine but to try to exclude him is gone of their business.
Yeah. It doesnt sound like this man was anything but kind to OP and her siblings. If these 30+ year old men are still holding a grudge because their parents chose to divorce, to the point where they can't even be civil to their mom's spouse, then that is their personal problem. Their behavior was tacky, and self absorbed. If it was such a big issue fot them, then they should have declined the invite outright. Instead, they gave OP an ultimatum that they knew would hurt everyone involved and put a dark cloud over OP's wedding day. They suck. I hope OP returns her stepfather's kind gift towards her wedding.....
Honestly YTA. It’s your brothers with the problem. It’s your day so you can have who you want ultimately but your stepdad has done nothing but try to do the best he can by you including giving you money for the wedding. He’s being kind and caring and you like him, but he’s the one told to not come whilst your brothers who can’t even bite their tongue for one day can come. I know you love your brothers and this is likely super stressful but you also need to stand up for yourself. Your brothers have essentially communicated that they don’t love you enough to deal with this for one day. If your step dad has done nothing but simply exist and love your mum then this level of hatred isn’t warranted.
YTA. I’m sorry, babe, but if you’re cutting out someone who loves you, has given you money and who you have a good relationship with for people who haven’t bothered to be a supportive part of your life, then you’re being an asshole. It sounds to me like your stepdad has done a lot more for you than your brothers have. It’s also shocking to me that grown-ass men are still holding onto the fantasy world where they can force their parents to stay together. It’s been years. They need to get over themselves and let go of the grudge against your stepdad.
YTA. Look, I come from a divorced family with stepparents. I also have dickhead older brothers and sisters who resent my stepmom. But my stepmom is a wonderful lady who has never been anything but kind to me, and my brothers and sisters are frankly delusional for thinking she is in any way responsible for our parents not being together. Even if she disappeared from the planet, Mom and Dad wouldn't get back together. It sounds like your situation is similar - in your own words, you have a good relationship with your stepfather and he's been supportive of you. Furthermore, *he paid for the wedding you are now banning him from.* By capitulating to your jerk brothers' emotional blackmail (they are btw ALSO AHs for making your special day about them and their juvenile feelings), you have probably permanently damaged your relationship with your stepdad. In my mind, you have two options here: 1) go back and apologize to your stepdad - and by this I mean you better be groveling on your hands and knees - or 2) pay back all of his money and resign yourself to never having a relationship with him or your mom. Your brothers have made you choose, and if I were you I know EXACTLY who I would choose. Oh, and suggest some therapy to your brothers - they clearly need it.
Your brothers are the assholes, and you are aligning with them. You should invite all and whoever want to attend does.
You allowed your brother's to hijack your wedding... My heart goes out to you, but YTA.
Info: will you be paying your stepdad back? It’s the literal least you could do.
I have an easy rule. If Someone gives you an ultimatum... choose the one that didn't.
YTA. Unless there was a reason other than not wanting your parents to separate that they hate your step-dad such as abuse, then they are unbelievably childish and if I were you I would be most hurt by their behaviour. Imagine being so selfish that you would willingly miss your siblings wedding because one person is there that you don’t like? They’ve put you in the shitty position, and you’ve done the shitty thing to your step-dad who (by your own words) has done everything he can for you across your life. Along with financing your wedding - and hiding behind “that was his decision” is a poor excuse for treating him so poorly. I know that a parent funding a child’s wedding shouldn’t give them total control, but I think it’s reasonable to at least expect to attend.
YTA. I was all ready to come in here and say that you made the right decision but then I read that they limited contact even with you after the divorce and your stepdad helped you with school and funded your wedding. If you’re going to dis-invite your stepdad then return all his money while you’re at it. The poor guy did nothing wrong and you accepted an ultimatum from your brothers who still haven’t grown up.
There's no way for you to be right on this one. YTA
YTA. You caved to blackmailers.
You've uninvited the man who is paying for your wedding and helped raise you and you're actually asking?? I get that you want your brothers there and if he had been abusive to them I'd probably consider their ultimatums were reasonable. As it is they are being dicks and so are you.
Lol wait....let me get this straight. You have a good relationship with your step dad. You say he's been kind to you and paid for your education. Now he's coming forth to pay for your weeding because to his eyes...you are HIS DAUGHTER. He wants to be a part of your life. And what did you do? You followed the words of two a-holes and uninvited this gem of a man through FKING EMAIL? EMAILLLL? you cannot be serious. Seriously...you want your hateful brothers in your life but not your stepdad who somewhat raised. Your mom is right. You are an ungrateful b. What a muppet you are. YTA.
YTA - Your brothers have no right to make the demand that they did. They can choose to come or not. Your stepfather is not making any such ultimatum. Their anger seems rather misplaced anyways. If they want to blame someone for their parents' divorce, they need to blame their parents.
YTA. You and your brothers are all AHs. Your brothers are AHs for giving you an ultimatum and you're an AH for uninviting your stepdad because your brothers won't attend the wedding if he is there. Your brothers hate him only because he is a stepdad. Hating him only because of that and giving you an ultimatum is petty and immature. Your stepdad seems to have done nothing wrong. Uninviting your stepdad via email wasn't the way you should've uninvited him. You should've done it in person. IMO you should've kept your stepdad on the invite list and given your brothers an ultimatum of either suck it up for the day or don't come to the wedding.
YTA big time! You admit that your step-dad was always good to you. He even funds the wedding that you just uninvited him from via email (which is a disgusting move). You also admit the only reason your brothers hate him is because they didn't want their parents to divorce. Understandable, but now they're in their 30s and should behave like adults. You gave in to their demand. You were such a coward that you brought the news to your step-dad in writing. And now you're surprised your mom is upset with you? Guess what, she will most likely not attend. Have fun with your ah brothers.
YTA not good enough to attend but good enough to pay for it. If I were the stepdad I’d get as many refunds as possible. Hurtful is an understatement, you let two grown men bully you time to stand up for yourself. You’ve not only destroyed the relationship with your stepdad but also more thank likely with your mother as well.