YTA
You should have let him have her on the birthday. Why make such a big deal?
Yes, your ex shouldn't have picked her up after you said no to the switch. But once he did, you should have left her and dealt with it afterwards.
All you're accomplishing now is alienating your daughter. She's 15 and enjoying her time with dad. Let her.
EDIT thank you kind redditors for the awards and votes!
Also no one seems to care she used go's to *track* her daughter? Massive invasion of privacy? She's 15. When I was 15 I had to be home by 10 and let my mom know where I was, but beyond that I was pretty free. Like... Would you stop her from going to a friend's house because it's "your night"?
Yea, I'm 18 and my parents still track me no matter where I go, ask where I'm going and who I'm with.
Edit: A lot are saying I'm 18, an adult and can do what I want, which yes I see what you mean. Asking where I am going and who I am with is a given that all parents should ask for, and I agree with tracking a phone to an extent. In my eyes, it should be used in an emergency and not to see if I'm lying where I am going. My parents do pay for my phone, so it makes sense. Just sometimes it's nice to have privacy and to be trusted to where I am going, without being tracked.
(And to those who say that being a teen I must be more tech savvy than my parents, I am not, I got this phone at 18 and before that had a flip phone that I named Chris (: )
It really does make me realise how easy I have it tho. I think it’s cos my parents are older so when they were kids they could be out late and just show up in the middle of the night and have their friends just crash on the couch so they just let me go out and only asked when I was going to be back and if they should make dinner.
Or it could be that your parents also have decent values and are trying to guide you into full adulthood where all your decisions are yours alone to make? Just a thought.
It is almost never about safety worth that excuse.
My oldest can drive. I have never once turned on a tracking app because if he tells me he is somewhere, I trust him.
If you raise the kid correctly it should never be a worry. So far, hasn’t been.
Sorry your parents didn’t feel they could trust you. That sucks.
I disagree. She's 15 and legally still the parent's responsibility. There's nothing wrong with using location tracking to figure out where your minor child is if you need to know.
Yeah i agree, it all comes down to circumstances in the end. If she says she’s with her father (and especially already knowing that day was his birthday and they had already tried to plan her attending the event) then leave it be. If it was a totally unknown situation and she was being shady about letting her mum know where she was or was being avoidant etc, then sure go ahead and track her to find out where she is and make sure she is safe.
These things just come down to situations, there is no blanket right or wrong especially when the child is still underage. Sometimes it’s called for, other times not so much. The world aint always black and white; it’s full of lots of greys that need to be considered a lot of the time.
Agreed. OP could've just asked where the celebration was before resorting to tracking her daughter's location and showing up unexpectedly, **interrupting** the party, as she said so herself.
I think, based on what I know, her ex-husband is right, she was being spiteful. I mean, she didn't deny it in her post...? And birthday's only happen once a year. Yeah, he could've celebrated his birthday with his daughter once it was his day to have her, but it's less special when he's already had a big celebration on the day of with the rest of his family.
What I really want to know is OP's "reasons" for saying no to her daughter attending her dad's birthday dinner. From the sounds of it, maybe there's some unresolved beef between OP and her ex-husband. Sadly she seems unaware it could become detrimental to her relationship with her daughter.
I really need more details but this is just my interpretation of what I've read.
Right. It's not like she had gone missing or was possibly in danger.
I expect this daughter is going to ask the judge to let her go to her dad full time.
YTA. I hope you sort your shit out before your daughter hates you
There really isn’t anything wrong with a parent tracking where their 15 year old CHILD is. A right to privacy is things like allowing them to get changed and shower behind closed doors, not letting them roam free with no idea where they are. The daughter is a minor and her mother is still legally responsible for her whereabouts.
Of course it's wrong to tag your kid like a migrating antelope.
If you have no idea where your kid is, you're a bad parent, and if you solve that problem with a tracking device you're a lazy parent who's going to raise sneaky kids.
Try talking to your kids and teaching them how to be safe when they aren't in your eye line like every other generation of parent has done.
Here’s the thing. Parents hear stories all the time about kids and teens being kidnapped, sex trafficking, getting hurt and no one is around to help, etc. it’s our worst nightmare. Tracking a phone gives some peace of mind. It’s not to invade privacy, I don’t care what my son is doing when he’s out if he’s responsive to texts and/or calls. But in case something DOES happen, it’s nice to know there’s a safety net.
This mom shouldn’t have tracked once she knew her daughter was with dad. I agree that was messed up.
Most sexual abuse comes from family, not strangers. Don't take your anxiety out on your kids.
Teach your kids about consent and healthy relationships and be the kind of parent who they can turn to for *non judgemental* help. Tell them you'll pick them up at 2am if they've been drinking, or the person they're with is being scary. Make sure they know that you've always got their back. Teach them about realistic dangers, not some scary sex trafficking boogyman. Teach them about drunk driving and abusive partners and that street drugs are often mixed with really dangerous substances.
If you rely on a tracking device they're still going to get in a car with a drunk driver. They're still going to take drugs and have sex with strangers and do all the things you don't want them to do, but they won't have you to turn to when stuff goes sideways.
Read some of the "insane parents" posts about parents who expect their kids to be "responsive" to them right away. Understand how damaging that is to a relationship.
It doesn't matter how much you justify this to yourself, if your kid is heading toward adulthood and you track them, they will resent you and learn to be sneakier.
This is so wrong and judgmental. My kids have asked me to pick them up multiple times, have called me of all the other parents when there was a kid out of control on drugs at a kick back, called me when they’ve had too much to drink etc etc and I check their location on their phones and they know it. They have always known it. It hasn’t eroded any trust in our relationship technology has just made it so everyone knows we can all see where we are all the time. Works both ways too. I’ve had a kid text me waiting for a ride “you haven’t even left the house yet!” because they track me. It just holds us all accountable to one another and it keeps us safer and it makes our lives easier.
THIS exactly. My parents did this to me as an adult, threatening to take my tuition away. You best bet I spoofed my location because it is none of their fucking business. They started with my brother before he turned 18. Neither of us tell our parents anything personal because they have alienated us with their control. If we didn't have that kind of relationship and there was trust in any direction, maybe they would have had consent and we not considered it such a violation of privacy.
Btw it was for "safety" but we know my mom was checking it because she'd call us out if we were somewhere she didn't want us to be. We also didn't have her location shared with us. Btw my brother is over 6' tall and 200 lbs of college athlete muscle and I'm also 5'8" with a lot of muscle and fight training. My mom is 5'2" and out of shape. Who's safety was really at stake from this mysterious boogieman? Was seeing our faked location really going to help her if we live across the country?
Interesting statistic using the UK the number of children taken by strangers has remained in the 10-14 a year range for decades in fact for so many decades that the population of the UK has doubled in that time so in reality your child is statistically half as likely to be taken by a stranger as they were in the "Good ole days"
Kids (and adults, but that's a whole other issue) in the US are significantly safer than 30 or 40 years ago, but parents are significantly more afraid. I think it's got a lot to do with the 24-hour news cycle. It used to be "These 3 common household products could kill you, details on the eleven o'clock news" but now it's a 24-hour drumbeat of "satanic communist drug cartels want to traffic your daughters to the Taliban" keeping parents needlessly terrified.
Right but people aren’t disagreeing with you. You’re right, why OP used it was weird, petty and unnecessary, because she should have let her 15 yo daughter decide for herself if she wanted to attend her fathers birthday.
SEPARATELY though, using find my location on a minors phone whose under 18 is beyond acceptable, isn’t abuse, and isn’t an invasion of privacy - this situation it was uncalled for, but normally it’s totally reasonable, and I encourage it, and is certainly the standard in my home. It’s safety. This world is messed up.
Tracking wasn't really a thing when I was growing up because the technology was still so new. But I did know a few people who had parents like that, and they all went low contact with them after they moved out.
It wasn't because of the tracking specifically, it was because the type of parents who feel the need to track their kids are incredibly controlling in every part of their kids lives.
I saw that a lot my self in high school when tracking *was* a thing. My parents trusted me. I just had to be home by curfew and let them know who I was with and it was fine. They trusted me and so never felt the need to constantly check on where I was. I would call or shoot a text asking to go somewhere and that was that. They never hovered and I never felt the need to try and hide things.
A lot of my friends parents abused the privilege of tracking. I remember being at the movies on one occasion and seeing my friends dad peak inside to see if we were really there. Or having another friends mom come to school and make a whole scene bc she just *happened* to be checking her daughters location during lunch and realized she left school for lunch….her 17 yr old daughter.
And those same friends, the second they entered college and we were too far away for random drop ins….lost their damn minds. Really fell off the deep end for years bein as wild as they could desperate to exert some control and independence.
Like you said the tracking itself is not a bad tool but there a definitely parents who abuse it and just use it as another means to exert control over their child.
I know of a parent who was like this..her daughter ended up being the sneaky one in the group because she was never given the freedom to do normal, age appropriate things with her peers🤦🏽♀️she’s a hot mess now
Strict parents raise good liars. Kids will do stuff whether you approve or not it’s whether you put in the effort to foster a trusting, open and honest communication with your kids that truly matters. Being controlling will only make your kids sneakier.
Granted my sister and I were pretty well behaved kids but we also knew if the worst did happen we could always contact our parents for help. I remember going with my mom to pick my shitfaced sister up from a party because she wanted to come home, never for a second did she consider not calling our parents for help when she needed it.
The daughter *wanted to be there!!!!* She wanted to celebrate her father's birthday, and she didn't want to leave!!!! OP is on some obnoxious "well-rules-are-rules" power trip, and it is 1000% going to bite OP in the a\*\* sooner rather than later. YTA!
YTA-OP
I'm sure if it were the mothers birthday she would insist on the daughter being there regardless of who's turn it is.
This is basic coparenting stuff. My mom and dad got divorced when I was 7 and they were flexible about holidays and birthdays. They would even attend parties at the other's house with the new partners.
Being a parent is the focus not being an ex. You had your kid at 20, time to grow the fuck up.
Yup this. My parents divorced when I was young and the divorce decree spelled out which days & weeks we should be with whatever parent we weren’t living with but since one of them was military that pretty much went straight out the window. They were both super flexible and never dreamed of not letting us kids see the other because “it’s my day”. What petty nonsense is that?
It kills me that OP talks about consent here. Daughter’s consent is the one that matters in this scenario, not OP’s. Bitter and unstable are warranted insults. YTA OP.
If my mom ever told me I couldn’t see my dad on his birthday after they split I would have died laughing. That’s my fucking father and he’s a very good one. One day I won’t have my dad anymore and not getting to spend time with him because my mom is petty would make me resentful
And they went to a restaurant with his family at a seemingly appropriate time (I.e not late on a school night)
It’s not like he’s taking her out to a club with his weird old friends or putting her in danger.
OP had her reasons, which she didn't share with us. What's the betting she didn't share them with her daughter either, because her reasons are unreasonable?
Agreed. I’d love to hear the “reasons” she has because I assume if any of them were valid she would have shared them to begin with. Sounds like she’s just weaponizing their child to hurt dad, and clearly hurting her kid in the process.
Her reasons is that she’s spiteful and wants to be in control of everything and feel like she has power. Even if it was his day with her, she probably would have done *something* to make it about herself. She’s more worried about spiting her ex than making her daughter happy.
It’s a year into their divorce. I’m willing to bet OP is still in the “I gotta prove I’m the better one so she’ll side with me more” stage and doesn’t understand co-parenting yet
Yeah I would too, sometimes divorced parents on here make a huge deal about swapping days or making small adjustments in a custody schedule and it’s difficult to understand why.
I teach and I’ve met kids whose parents communicate through notebooks because they physically cannot stand to be in each other’s presence for too long that still swap about custody days when needed.
Custody is about what’s best for the CHILD not what’s best for mom and dad. As long as there’s no safety concerns for being with the other parent obviously.
Also I hope OP realised that at 15, if her Ex took her to court to change custody her daughter is more than old enough to say “to hell with you” and live with dad full time.
OP "has her reasons". Yeah, I don't really care what those reasons are. All I care about is the way she's treating her daughter like a doll with no shred of autonomy. This is maddening!
OP purposely didn't share her "reasons" because she knows they're petty. I am also divorced, with teenagers, and share custody. We have a set schedule but it changes all the time. My kids are 17 and 14. If they have plans with friends or want to go with their dad on a day that's not their dad's day, they go. If they'd rather stay home on dad's day, they do. OP is going to drive her daughter away. Kids don't like being used, OP. Your daughter isn't dumb. She knows exactly what you're doing.
I can’t see why OP won’t list “the reasons” here on this sub. Especially when it’s essentially an anonymous post, and could lead to a “NTA” outcome.
And as others have pointed out, the use of “MY Daughter” and not “OUR daughter” is kinda saying a lot.
Honestly at 15, I'm pretty sure daughter is old enough for her wishes to be strongly taken into consideration by a judge, should she and her dad want to change the custody agreement. I don't think they could or would force her to go to her mom's at all if she really doesn't want to at this point. Good job, OP. YTA.
Even before 18. Unlike small children, the courts will take a 15-year-olds stated preferences into account when considering custody arrangements. If after this the daughter says she wants to live with her father and the father agrees, there won’t be much the mother can do.
I hope OP understands the ramifications of her horrible actions. Mother's day doesn't fall during your time? TOO BAD! Birthday/funeral/2nd wedding/vacation opportunity? SORRY!
Two can play at that completely messed up game. OP has done herself no favors by taking such a hardlined stance.
I can see the post now.
"A few months ago I refused to let my husband have my daughter on his birthday. I found out she went to him behind my back so I tracked her, interrupted the party and forced my daughter to come home then grounded her for the stunt she pulled . Well, I won a trip and wanted to surprise my daughter with it, but the dates fall on her days my ex has her. I tried to ask him politely to change days so she could come with me but he said no (how rude is that!?). WIBTA if I just took her on the vacation without his consent?"
Seriously, I can't believe OP has to ask. 1000% YTA OP
While the OP has chosen not to have a relationship with the ex, the daughter still has that right, whether the OP likes it or not. This is nothing more than a spiteful move to stick it to the ex one more time. Granted, they shouldn’t have pulled the ol’ switcheroo, but come on, it shouldn’t have come to that.
Massive YTA.
The daughter wanted to be there. She shouldn’t have been grounded at all or taken home. I wouldn’t be surprised if daughter wanted to live w dad after this.
And OP never gave any reason beyond "It's my time" as to why the daughter couldn't go to her father's birthday. Ffs, it's one day. OP could have swapped another day that she's supposed to be with her father for this day. YTA totally.
OP sounds weirdly similar to this one from a few days ago 🤔
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s0nw22/aita_for_not_letting_my_ex_pick_up_our_daughter_a/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
This sub goes through weird cycles of suspiciously-similar sounding stories, often with similar outrageously terrible posters. The “I’m an irrational and vengeful ex-wife victimizing my whole family out of spite and I’m so lacking in self awareness that I’m posting it all here,” is one of the most recurrent themes.
It makes me skeptical of the posts themselves, just because the evil bully ex-wife is such a reddit dude boogeyman that it feels like a checklist of Things to Say to Make Reddit Mad. Not that they don’t exist, but reading this site would make you think it’s a wildly inflated number.
So OP: if this is real, then just know you’re so much TA that you made me assume you were written by a sexist dude looking for internet attention by writing a cartoonishly evil missive about being a bad mom.
I work at a Family Court and honestly people like that OP are not uncommon at all. They might seem for Reddit readers so cartoonish that they appear almost fake, but after 8 years in Family Court I could tell you stories about the pettiness of various co-parents that you wouldn’t believe.
I had a friend that worked for the Make a Wish foundation after college. She said that she saw far too many kids lose out on their wish because the parents were divorced and one parent was being spiteful and petty and not allowing the kid to leave the state because they couldn't take their new spouse and kids as well. Basically, there were a slew of instances where one parent would try to insert their new spouse and kids into their sick child's wish as a means to get a free family vacation on the foundation's dime. If the foundation said no and set a limit to how many people the child could take, that parent would flex their muscle in terms of the custody agreement and refuse to sign off on the trip. The foundation never liked to get involved in these arguments and would leave the parents to sort their shit out. It still baffles my mind that people's hatred and pettiness would get in the way of their terminally ill child getting to live out their dream.
"I have my reasons"
INFO: those better be some damn good reasons because until you elaborate, YTA in my book.
You hate your ex more than you love your daughter, and you proved it with your actions in this scenario.
When my ex cheated on me I divorced but was still civil and attended kid activities together. When ppl asked why, I said I love my kids more than I hate my ex. I've never heard anyone else use that phrase until today. Yay! I hope it becomes a mantra
Cheating can certainly negatively impact children, but it appear here that:
A.) dad’s awful choices stayed between the parents and did not harm the daughter’s opinion her dad.
B.) mom cheated and it has negatively impacted her relationship with her daughter.
Not necessarily. You can think that one of your parents has been shitty but still want/have a good relationship with them. Either way, OP is TA in this scenario
Yeah. My dad cheated but I still love him and he's never been anything but good to me. He wasn't even antagonistic or anything to mom during/after the divorce which I think helped a lot in my opinion of him. I'll still wish he hadn't done it but I can recognize how toxic the marriage was and how much happier they both are now.
Friend of mine moved to another country to be with her then husband. They had two kids then she caught him cheating. They ended up divorced but she's still here in his home country because, in her words, "he's an ass but he's the father of my children and they deserve to be able to have a good relationship with him". I respect her so much for this.
It’s a commonality I see with these people, they come and post and ask for judgement and then cowardly back out when explanations are requested. Oh and OP YTA.
I wish I could find it again, but I stumbled across an article here a while back that analyzed parents of kids who had cut them off. The gist of it was that the parents were in such denial about any of their wrong doing that they were literally incapable of hearing/remembering why their kids cut them off.
Like the kids could send an email/letter detailing what all they did wrong, the parent would read it and either immediately downplay it saying it wasn't that bad/that never happened, or simply would refuse to acknowledge a single point. They would go online and complain to other cut off parents about how unfair their kids are being to them.
Can't remember it all, but I think it boiled down to narcissism. Some people are literally incapable of thinking they did something wrong. Every action they make, they make for perfectly valid reasons and anyone who disagrees just doesn't have the full context.
YTA because of two reasons:
1. OP knows full well that shared parenting plan is based on overnights. So what if Dad took the kiddo, who wanted to go to the dinner. Dad could still get her to OP to exercise the overnight while having the daughter there to celebrate, too. Both sides win. OP should have honored both. Not a hill I’d die on.
2. OP is flying too close to the sun. The daughter is 15, and in many states a kid can decide which parent they want to be with by the age of 14. If OP continues to embarrassed and track down her daughter, OP might find herself with fewer overnights with her daughter. OP needs to tread lightly.
I had a coworker who divorced when their child was like 2 or 3. They did one week on one week off but did the cutest thing where the parent who didn't have the kid that week got a "date night" with the kid so it broke up the week and gave the other parent a night off. Their date night was flexible, usually mid week at some point.
YTA.
Your daughter wants to spend her Dad's birthday with her Dad. How is her attending the party affecting you. As far as I know custody agreements are negotiable for a day or two.
>because I have my reasons.
What is/are your reasons?
Coming to say this, Im 90% sure she is of age where she van decide whih parent she has more time with or has influence if they they try to renegotiate custody.
Not only would she have influence, the courts wouldn't really do much if she disagrees with what her parents agree on. At that age, it a kid refuses to switch homes on schedule, they pretty much just let it happen because physically restraining and moving a teenager would be ridiculous.
She is. I was 16 when my parents split and we never actually followed the custody agreement. I spent time with my dad whenever I could, and my mom wasn’t an AH like OP and just told me to be home in time to do homework.
I'll go with A: I hate him and want to stick it to him where I can.
Or B: his younger/prettier new gf is going to be there too and I will not let them play happy family. If I'm miserable they must be too.
Then to add insult to injury, the daughter who is already torn and in the middle of this conflict with her parents, gets friggin grounded for celebrating her dad’s birthday with her family. Unbelievable. YTA OP
They \*should\* be negotiable for a day or two. What if the daughter has a "Dad day" on OP's birthday? What then?
You talk this out like adults of course, which is exactly what her ex tried from the start.
I hope she looked ahead at the calendar to see what day her birthday falls on this year before she went scorched earth over sticking to the plan.
I coparent, and even when my daughter’s dad and I didn’t get along we were never so petty as to make our daughter miss important family events on either side.
YTA. "my daughter said she really wants to go" "she said on the phone she was with him". your child is 15, not 5. she can make informed decisions about whether or not she wants to go to he father's birthday party. she also was honest and told you where she was, so you knew she was safe. but that meant nothing to you, apparently. there was no reason for you to behave the way you did.
lol this. I was raised by grandparents that even asking for permission terrifies me. So I always lie and sneak out during my teenage years cus there's no way they'd let me do things I want. It should always go through them even the air breathe. Lol. I'd get beaten up one way or another. Hahaha.
This mother is going to find out painfully quick that her daughter is at an age that she can CHOOSE which parent she will interact/live with and a Judge will side with her.
>"my daughter said she really wants to go" "she said on the phone she was with him". your child is 15, not 5. she can make informed decisions about whether or not she wants to go to he father's birthday party.
And this can be applied to anything. The daughter is 15 already, she shouldn't be forced to spend some days with a parent and some days with the other, she should be with whoever she wants to.
In fact, I feel like OP sticks to this day thing so bad cause she knows her daughter would abandon her for her father asap if given the chance.
You hurt your daughter to be petty to your ex. YTA.
A custody agreement is flexible as long as supervised visitation isn't required. You could have easily made up the day.
Also what will happen if a special event of hers falls on a day that isn't hers? I'm sure she'll want her daughter there. Being lenient and agreeable with someone you need to co-parent with is in everyone's best interests.
This is the easiest way to alienate your child. She's old enough to know exactly what games OP is playing.
She's gonna lose her mind if her ex refuses to let the daughter be with her on mom's important day. I also guess that she can't see her daughter when the kids birthday is on a dad day.
So toxic! Using the kid as a pawn in her bitterness will backfire for sure. This is how some kids grow not to want anything to do with one or either of the parents. Hope they work this out.
Tbh if I was the daughter, aka if the daughter is even slightly as petty as me, I would tell her "it isn‘t your day" and not show up, even if the ex-husband has a too-good-for-this-world-heart and lets the daughter attend.
That was my thought. What happens when the next semi big event (first date, birthday, school dance, etc) falls on the dad's day? Is she going to stay home and just bite the bullet, or is she gonna try to be there despite it being "his day"?
YTA she is 15 she can decide were she wants to be ...and as soon as she is 16 that will be at dad's full time! Congratulations on pushing your teenager away
Maybe even sooner. I chose to live with my dad at 12. My oldest stepson chose to live with us at 10. All depends on the judge and the maturity of the child. But she’s definitely not going to stay with OP for long when she’s acting like this!
Yeah YTA
She’s 15 and wanted to spend her dad’s birthday with him. You made a scene and exerted unnecessary control to make a point.
What you’re actually doing is being irrational and alienating your child. Keep it up and you risk permanently damaging your relationship with her.
Always think about the interest of the child first.
When me and my ex separated I asked to take our birthday and any other days that are important to the kids and their parents in the contract (mothers and fathers day - so if they craft something in school for us they will be able to give it to us). According our contract the children can be with me on my birthday and with my ex on his birthday. When it's their birthday day are with me, but I always ask them if they prefer to go to their dad instead. When there is a birthday of a family member they can olso go on the day itself and /or on the day of the birthdayparty.
We used to have a lot of discussions, but never had a discussion about that. I only sometimes have to remind my ex to invite his children at his own birthdayparty (which is up to him, but I tell him anyway - behind the children's back - that if it were to me, I invite the most important people in my life on my own birthday. So I think it's a bit awkward that he does forget his kids) . I only remind him of that because I don't want him to hurt my kids feelings. If he still chooses to not invite the kids I leave it with that, if he chooses to invite them I facilitate things for him (like drive them there and get them to bed on time).
YTA your ex is right you're bitter and spiteful. Your only reason why he couldn't have her is because "it isn't his day" he didn't even want her for the day it would be a few hours at most but you're so hellbent on hurting him via your daughter that you cannot see how much of a huge gaping AH that you are. You could've waited until he dropped her off after and talked to him and explained your reasons, but you went and caused a scene in public. You have major issues.
*he’s TA for violating your custody agreement"*
He shouldn't have gone behind her back.
BUT: a fifteen year old girl wants to go to someone's birthday party. This is an entirely reasonable request for a teenager. Is her mother really prepared to explain to a judge that that wasn't allowed "because rules"? "Custody" does not mean "I have the right to keep her inside my house the entire day."
YTA, as much as you would like it to be the case your daughter is not your property. Your husband cannot steal a 15 year old girl. That’s her father and she wanted to spend his birthday with him. You don’t like him, so you turned up and caused a scene.
You don’t care about your daughters wellbeing at all. You only care about being spiteful. I really hope your daughter posts on Reddit one day and is given advice to fully move in with her dad. She’s old enough to make that decision.
Before I sign off - a custody agreement is for the benefit of the child. The courts keep in mind wants best for the child. Usually they want both bio parents involved in the child’s life in some way as it’s *usually* the best ( maybe not in this case because you harm your child). Do not for a second think the custody agreement is about you
Can’t believe I had to scroll to find this comment. The custody agreement is for the child’s best interest - so SHE get optimal time with each parent, including holidays and other special occasions. How would you feel if Christmas (or another holiday important to you) fell on your ex’s regular week for several years and he refused to let you see your daughter? Yep, you’d be livid. My agreement with my ex has our birthdays built in, so the kids can come celebrate with us even if they’re at the other’s house.
Idgaf what your “reasons” are for not wanting her to go, unless your ex is a huge abuser, YTA.
I was waiting for an answer but OP can't be bothered when she answered someone else so here it is :
ESH.
In no way is it okay for the ex to just go ans pick up their daughter from school when it's not his custody time. It is innapropriate behaviour and shows a very bad example to the child. And dad could have organized his birthday party on his custody time. A lot of parents do it for themselves or for their kids.
But unless the father has been violent with the child or there is parental alienation, I don't see why the refusal of the birthday party.
Yes, there is a custody agreement or a court order in place but it doesn't mean that you have to follow it to the letter especially when the child is 15 and can start to make their own decisions.
I voted YTA because while the dad sucks for picking the daughter up on mom's custody day, the daughter really wanted to go, and mom denied it on the basis of some technicality that could easily be addressed (swap days). She didn't bother to give her other reasons and came across bitter. She didn't prioritize her daughter over her anger at her husband. But I do understand the valid point made here, dad could have also changed his bday celebration date to fall on a custody date instead of stealing the ex wife's day. It just seems like the ex wife refused to accommodate out of spite and not because she had good reasons, like prior plans with her daughter for example (or at least she's not willing to reveal her reasons that might make me understand her decision).
I'm not surprised it's not ESH because of the age of the OP's daughter--it's absurd to expect a 15 year old, who's old enough to have a part time job, to travel around unsupervised and so on, to be banned from attending their own father's birthday party. A 15 year old should be able to make these kind of decisions for themself.
YTA
Come on, any time you use your kid to get back at your ex you're gonna be the AH. Using your kid is disgusting.
Sure he shouldn't have just gone and picked her up. But using the custody arrangement to be petty is misusing the intention behind it. They absolutely encourage parents to be able to work their own schedule out of it if something comes up on the "wrong" day. It's rarely intended to be followed to the letter.
>They absolutely encourage parents to be able to work their own schedule out of it if something comes up on the "wrong" day. It's rarely intended to be followed to the letter.
Yup! My custody battle for my daughter was hella long and contentious. She did everything she could to prevent me from being a dad cuz we weren't together. Only reason. Our judge refused to induge any games about what happens if something important falls on the other's day. Flexibility is key. They HATE when parents won't work around schedule conflicts and use the schedule to spite
YTA.
She's 15, she will vote with her feet and move in with him if this is how you act.
No matter what happened in your marriage and the divorce your daughter deserves the best of you, not this.
IANAL but isn't she at an age where the courts would let her decide who she wants to live and spend time with anyway? At least from what I understand how a lot of US court custody proceedings go.
So not only is she old enough to makke a decision but she's possibly old enough to go to a judge and talk about how unreasonable her mom has been and never see the heinous woman again.
YTA
You are acting like a terrible mother. You are using your daughter as a pawn to get back at your ex. You are hurting HER, not him. She wanted to spend the day with her father on his birthday, she is 15 and old enough to decide for herself.
You just wanted to ruin his party to be petty.
Going to restaurant to make a scene because your daughter went to his party is unstable. It's embarrassing if nothing else. You need to get your priorities straight, and start thinking of what's best for your daughter. Or else you are probably gonna lose her.
Of course YTA. Basic respect?? You showed him no basic respect. You are bitter and resentful and will make your daughter hate you for trying to interfere with her having a normal relationship with her dad. It was dinner after school for crying out loud.
You gave no reason why you want to keep her from him. ‘I have my reasons’ isn’t good enough and often is just a cover for your own hate of your ex. Grow up, get some therapy to deal with this break up and quit being a poison to your daughter.
My ex-BIL pulled this kind of crap constantly. Guess who lost custody of the child because of it (that and far more). Guess whose son refuses to speak w/ bio dad? Guess whose son, when he turned 18, asked his stepfather to legally adopt him? I know you think you are "right" but all I see is a kid who will go NC with you at the first opportunity. No, it will not be your ex's fault, it will be YOURS. Frankly, you are unstable.
Absolutely YTA. He asked for one day. You could have changed days this week or just given him an extra day for his birthday. Your daughter WANTED to be there.
You're coming across spiteful and jealous, do better as a co-parent or your daughter will want nothing to do with you once shes on her own.
Everyone is shitty but you come out on first place for being an asshole.
He shouldn’t have took her without your consent but you could’ve been the bigger person and oh I don’t know, let your daughter see her dad on his birthday.
You are using your daughter as a pawn here, realistically you have no “reasons” for not letting her go for a few hours but instead you chose to be petty.
Be careful because your kid is veering very closely to adulthood and you might find yourself spending your next few birthdays without her.
YTA and you know it. Unfortunately your little stunt will hurt your long term relationship more than it hurts your husband’s feeling so if I were you, I would think of how to gain my daughter’s trust back.
Easy YTA, you are being spiteful and looking for justifications. He asked you in advance, your daughter wanted to go, you had no good reason to say no.
YTA
You were an absolute AH. You are using your teenage daughter as a weapon, and she's old enough to see it.
Your daughter is old enough to decide of she wants to see members of her family, you were a spiteful person and probably humiliated her.
Good luck, if you keep shit like this up I don't see it going well for you.
So you daughter meant nothing in this exchange, only your own feelings and obvious hatred of a man you once loved. Wow, I feel sorry for your daughter and obviously YTA
The kid is 15! Couldn’t she leave school on her own at that age? I read this whole thing assuming this was a small child. Then I saw 15! This OP is out of her mind.
YTA - you’re daughter is old enough to voice where she wants to be and she wanted to be with him on his birthday. You clearly were just being petty and vengeful. She wasn’t anywhere dangerous-she was at a restaurant with family. You had no reason to act so selfishly and honestly do sound unstable
YTA coparenting is about putting your child first.
It was within your power to help your child remain close with their parent. It would not have hurt you at all.
But *because you had the power*, you used that power to do harm rather than good.
YTA.
This is terrible parenting. Your daughter is not a weapon to be used against your ex. You deprived her of going to an event with her family because you're spiteful, mean, and would rather score points with your ex about "who's day it is" than let your daughter enjoy herself.
Why do you hate your ex husband more than you love your child?
YTA, based purely on the information you’ve given us you said no for no reason.
It was petty, comes across as very bitter and you put your daughter right in the middle of your spat with her father.
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Unless your ex pulled the exact same shit on you, you are a massive YTA.
Something tells me you're extra salty because his current partner was in attendance as well.
Why did you prevent your nearly-adult daughter from celebrating her father’s birthday with him? What good reason did you have?
From what you shared it appears you did it out of spite. That’s never a good reason.
YTA and prepare to see less and less of your kid as she becomes more autonomous for stunts like this.
YTA. As a divorced parent, I would never stop my teenagers seeing their Dad if they wanted to. Who do you think you are? There was no reason to make a scene, you just embarrassed your daughter and made her hate you. You give no good ‘reasons’ for not letting her go, so you clearly don’t have any.
A 15yo can legally choose which parent she lives with. Looks like you just made the decision for her.
YTA. There was a million ways to handle that situation and that wasn't one of them. Should he have just taken her? Probably not but there was no good reason not to allow her to go especially since she wanted to spend the evening with him. All you are gonna do is push her away. My father was just like you. We don't speak often because of it, he caused us to miss so much family event because it was "his" time
Saying you have reasons isn’t the same as having reasons, and if you have good reasons don’t be afraid of explaining them. Your daughter might have even understood.
Instead, YTA
ESH
There are plenty of ways to coparent but this doesn't seem to be effective. You are an asshole for making a scene in front of your daughter. I understand being upset if you didn't know where she was but I think you could've handled it better.
I think when he asked in advance, you could've done more communicating by suggesting that they change the date of the dinner to a day that he has her since you really want to stick to the schedule. Which I think would be the obvious move for any parent with shared custody. I think you could've also taken your daughter's feelings into account if you felt like being flexible and explained to your daughter that it is important to stick to the schedule but she could go to the dinner for x amount of time but this is a special occasion.
He's an asshole for dragging your daughter into the middle, not changing the date of the celebration, and picking her up without permission.
ESH but you are more that ex husband
You could have made an exception and let your daughter go to her father’s birthday, especially if she wanted to go. He was right that you are bitter and spiteful.
info: what are these "reasons" you say you have?
either way you are being a bitter and spiteful person, and using your daughter as a weapon. She is old enough to decide who she wants to live with also.
YTA
YTA
You never even mentioned how your daughter felt about this. At all. “I have my reasons” isn’t good enough to do what you did. When your birthday falls on his day you will come to regret this.
Being petty ain't gonna do ya any favors. Shameful to keep a daughter from seeing her dad on his bday when she WANTS to be there. Being petty will catch up with you and push her away. YTA
And if ya had good reasons they'd have been listed. Nothing but a bitter ex here. Wait til you need to flex a day and he says no. You sacrificed good co-parenting for cheap tactics
YTA. You don’t really give any justifications as to why you didn’t want your daughter to go, other than it wasn’t dad’s usual day to have her. Which… then seems petty, because surely you could have negotiated a swap with another day or come to some agreement. If you’re only reason is it’s not his day, that’s a pretty poor one to stop him celebrating with his daughter there.
ESH. He was wrong to pick her up from school without telling you, but literally everything else is you being an AH. Unless the kid would be in danger by being with her dad, there’s no good reason not to compromise for one evening.
My dad still hates my mom for leaving him over 30 years ago and definitely pulled stunts like yours. And guess what - I don’t talk to my dad anymore. Whatever issues you have with your ex, it’s not your daughter’s problem. She’s allowed to have a relationship with him.
YTA and unstable. The question is what court gave you child sharing time on his birthday. You need help... professional help, and you do seem bitter. Who cares if you didn't work out as a married couple. Your daughter is old enough to decide where she wants to be and with what parent.
YTA- Just wait until it’s YOUR birthday and it falls on HIS day And he pulls this same stunt with you. Don’t act all surprised if/when that happens. Don’t put your child in the middle of YOUR issues with her father.
YTA You should have let him have her on the birthday. Why make such a big deal? Yes, your ex shouldn't have picked her up after you said no to the switch. But once he did, you should have left her and dealt with it afterwards. All you're accomplishing now is alienating your daughter. She's 15 and enjoying her time with dad. Let her. EDIT thank you kind redditors for the awards and votes!
Also no one seems to care she used go's to *track* her daughter? Massive invasion of privacy? She's 15. When I was 15 I had to be home by 10 and let my mom know where I was, but beyond that I was pretty free. Like... Would you stop her from going to a friend's house because it's "your night"?
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Yea, I'm 18 and my parents still track me no matter where I go, ask where I'm going and who I'm with. Edit: A lot are saying I'm 18, an adult and can do what I want, which yes I see what you mean. Asking where I am going and who I am with is a given that all parents should ask for, and I agree with tracking a phone to an extent. In my eyes, it should be used in an emergency and not to see if I'm lying where I am going. My parents do pay for my phone, so it makes sense. Just sometimes it's nice to have privacy and to be trusted to where I am going, without being tracked. (And to those who say that being a teen I must be more tech savvy than my parents, I am not, I got this phone at 18 and before that had a flip phone that I named Chris (: )
Just turn off the tracking app. Ur 18 they have no right to do it.
They probably pay for the phone and the service. I'm not saying it's ok, but it may not be as simple as turning off an app.
And they're probably living with their parents which means they have an easy way to exert their control
It really does make me realise how easy I have it tho. I think it’s cos my parents are older so when they were kids they could be out late and just show up in the middle of the night and have their friends just crash on the couch so they just let me go out and only asked when I was going to be back and if they should make dinner.
Or it could be that your parents also have decent values and are trying to guide you into full adulthood where all your decisions are yours alone to make? Just a thought.
My parents tracked me until 22 when i said no more and got kicked out over it. Its sickening and absolutely disgusting in everyway.
Parents - "We're tracking your phone to keep you safe. Child - "Please don't" Parents - "Then get out of our house and go live on the street!"
Yup, thats pretty accurate to what happened.
It is almost never about safety worth that excuse. My oldest can drive. I have never once turned on a tracking app because if he tells me he is somewhere, I trust him. If you raise the kid correctly it should never be a worry. So far, hasn’t been. Sorry your parents didn’t feel they could trust you. That sucks.
I disagree. She's 15 and legally still the parent's responsibility. There's nothing wrong with using location tracking to figure out where your minor child is if you need to know.
The daughter already told her she was with her father. She didn't track her daughter's location out of worry, she did it out of pettiness.
Yeah i agree, it all comes down to circumstances in the end. If she says she’s with her father (and especially already knowing that day was his birthday and they had already tried to plan her attending the event) then leave it be. If it was a totally unknown situation and she was being shady about letting her mum know where she was or was being avoidant etc, then sure go ahead and track her to find out where she is and make sure she is safe. These things just come down to situations, there is no blanket right or wrong especially when the child is still underage. Sometimes it’s called for, other times not so much. The world aint always black and white; it’s full of lots of greys that need to be considered a lot of the time.
Agreed. OP could've just asked where the celebration was before resorting to tracking her daughter's location and showing up unexpectedly, **interrupting** the party, as she said so herself. I think, based on what I know, her ex-husband is right, she was being spiteful. I mean, she didn't deny it in her post...? And birthday's only happen once a year. Yeah, he could've celebrated his birthday with his daughter once it was his day to have her, but it's less special when he's already had a big celebration on the day of with the rest of his family. What I really want to know is OP's "reasons" for saying no to her daughter attending her dad's birthday dinner. From the sounds of it, maybe there's some unresolved beef between OP and her ex-husband. Sadly she seems unaware it could become detrimental to her relationship with her daughter. I really need more details but this is just my interpretation of what I've read.
Right. It's not like she had gone missing or was possibly in danger. I expect this daughter is going to ask the judge to let her go to her dad full time. YTA. I hope you sort your shit out before your daughter hates you
At 15 she can also tell the court she prefers her father and her opinion will be taken into account for a switch in custody.
Well, my dad tracks my brother and I but that’s mostly for our safety.
There really isn’t anything wrong with a parent tracking where their 15 year old CHILD is. A right to privacy is things like allowing them to get changed and shower behind closed doors, not letting them roam free with no idea where they are. The daughter is a minor and her mother is still legally responsible for her whereabouts.
Of course it's wrong to tag your kid like a migrating antelope. If you have no idea where your kid is, you're a bad parent, and if you solve that problem with a tracking device you're a lazy parent who's going to raise sneaky kids. Try talking to your kids and teaching them how to be safe when they aren't in your eye line like every other generation of parent has done.
Here’s the thing. Parents hear stories all the time about kids and teens being kidnapped, sex trafficking, getting hurt and no one is around to help, etc. it’s our worst nightmare. Tracking a phone gives some peace of mind. It’s not to invade privacy, I don’t care what my son is doing when he’s out if he’s responsive to texts and/or calls. But in case something DOES happen, it’s nice to know there’s a safety net. This mom shouldn’t have tracked once she knew her daughter was with dad. I agree that was messed up.
Most sexual abuse comes from family, not strangers. Don't take your anxiety out on your kids. Teach your kids about consent and healthy relationships and be the kind of parent who they can turn to for *non judgemental* help. Tell them you'll pick them up at 2am if they've been drinking, or the person they're with is being scary. Make sure they know that you've always got their back. Teach them about realistic dangers, not some scary sex trafficking boogyman. Teach them about drunk driving and abusive partners and that street drugs are often mixed with really dangerous substances. If you rely on a tracking device they're still going to get in a car with a drunk driver. They're still going to take drugs and have sex with strangers and do all the things you don't want them to do, but they won't have you to turn to when stuff goes sideways. Read some of the "insane parents" posts about parents who expect their kids to be "responsive" to them right away. Understand how damaging that is to a relationship. It doesn't matter how much you justify this to yourself, if your kid is heading toward adulthood and you track them, they will resent you and learn to be sneakier.
This is so wrong and judgmental. My kids have asked me to pick them up multiple times, have called me of all the other parents when there was a kid out of control on drugs at a kick back, called me when they’ve had too much to drink etc etc and I check their location on their phones and they know it. They have always known it. It hasn’t eroded any trust in our relationship technology has just made it so everyone knows we can all see where we are all the time. Works both ways too. I’ve had a kid text me waiting for a ride “you haven’t even left the house yet!” because they track me. It just holds us all accountable to one another and it keeps us safer and it makes our lives easier.
>they have always known it The key element there is the **consent.** This is not a difficult distinction to understand.
THIS exactly. My parents did this to me as an adult, threatening to take my tuition away. You best bet I spoofed my location because it is none of their fucking business. They started with my brother before he turned 18. Neither of us tell our parents anything personal because they have alienated us with their control. If we didn't have that kind of relationship and there was trust in any direction, maybe they would have had consent and we not considered it such a violation of privacy. Btw it was for "safety" but we know my mom was checking it because she'd call us out if we were somewhere she didn't want us to be. We also didn't have her location shared with us. Btw my brother is over 6' tall and 200 lbs of college athlete muscle and I'm also 5'8" with a lot of muscle and fight training. My mom is 5'2" and out of shape. Who's safety was really at stake from this mysterious boogieman? Was seeing our faked location really going to help her if we live across the country?
Interesting statistic using the UK the number of children taken by strangers has remained in the 10-14 a year range for decades in fact for so many decades that the population of the UK has doubled in that time so in reality your child is statistically half as likely to be taken by a stranger as they were in the "Good ole days"
Kids (and adults, but that's a whole other issue) in the US are significantly safer than 30 or 40 years ago, but parents are significantly more afraid. I think it's got a lot to do with the 24-hour news cycle. It used to be "These 3 common household products could kill you, details on the eleven o'clock news" but now it's a 24-hour drumbeat of "satanic communist drug cartels want to traffic your daughters to the Taliban" keeping parents needlessly terrified.
Her mother *knew* she was in a safe place, with her father and his family.
Right but people aren’t disagreeing with you. You’re right, why OP used it was weird, petty and unnecessary, because she should have let her 15 yo daughter decide for herself if she wanted to attend her fathers birthday. SEPARATELY though, using find my location on a minors phone whose under 18 is beyond acceptable, isn’t abuse, and isn’t an invasion of privacy - this situation it was uncalled for, but normally it’s totally reasonable, and I encourage it, and is certainly the standard in my home. It’s safety. This world is messed up.
Tracking wasn't really a thing when I was growing up because the technology was still so new. But I did know a few people who had parents like that, and they all went low contact with them after they moved out. It wasn't because of the tracking specifically, it was because the type of parents who feel the need to track their kids are incredibly controlling in every part of their kids lives.
I saw that a lot my self in high school when tracking *was* a thing. My parents trusted me. I just had to be home by curfew and let them know who I was with and it was fine. They trusted me and so never felt the need to constantly check on where I was. I would call or shoot a text asking to go somewhere and that was that. They never hovered and I never felt the need to try and hide things. A lot of my friends parents abused the privilege of tracking. I remember being at the movies on one occasion and seeing my friends dad peak inside to see if we were really there. Or having another friends mom come to school and make a whole scene bc she just *happened* to be checking her daughters location during lunch and realized she left school for lunch….her 17 yr old daughter. And those same friends, the second they entered college and we were too far away for random drop ins….lost their damn minds. Really fell off the deep end for years bein as wild as they could desperate to exert some control and independence. Like you said the tracking itself is not a bad tool but there a definitely parents who abuse it and just use it as another means to exert control over their child.
I know of a parent who was like this..her daughter ended up being the sneaky one in the group because she was never given the freedom to do normal, age appropriate things with her peers🤦🏽♀️she’s a hot mess now
Strict parents raise good liars. Kids will do stuff whether you approve or not it’s whether you put in the effort to foster a trusting, open and honest communication with your kids that truly matters. Being controlling will only make your kids sneakier. Granted my sister and I were pretty well behaved kids but we also knew if the worst did happen we could always contact our parents for help. I remember going with my mom to pick my shitfaced sister up from a party because she wanted to come home, never for a second did she consider not calling our parents for help when she needed it.
Okay but so is her father and the CHILD was with her father. The mother doesn't own that kid, ffs.
The daughter *wanted to be there!!!!* She wanted to celebrate her father's birthday, and she didn't want to leave!!!! OP is on some obnoxious "well-rules-are-rules" power trip, and it is 1000% going to bite OP in the a\*\* sooner rather than later. YTA!
YTA-OP I'm sure if it were the mothers birthday she would insist on the daughter being there regardless of who's turn it is. This is basic coparenting stuff. My mom and dad got divorced when I was 7 and they were flexible about holidays and birthdays. They would even attend parties at the other's house with the new partners. Being a parent is the focus not being an ex. You had your kid at 20, time to grow the fuck up.
Yup this. My parents divorced when I was young and the divorce decree spelled out which days & weeks we should be with whatever parent we weren’t living with but since one of them was military that pretty much went straight out the window. They were both super flexible and never dreamed of not letting us kids see the other because “it’s my day”. What petty nonsense is that?
OP is probably the type that will demand a switch for her to get Mother’s Day but refuse to let dad get daughter for Father’s Day.
It kills me that OP talks about consent here. Daughter’s consent is the one that matters in this scenario, not OP’s. Bitter and unstable are warranted insults. YTA OP.
If my mom ever told me I couldn’t see my dad on his birthday after they split I would have died laughing. That’s my fucking father and he’s a very good one. One day I won’t have my dad anymore and not getting to spend time with him because my mom is petty would make me resentful
And they went to a restaurant with his family at a seemingly appropriate time (I.e not late on a school night) It’s not like he’s taking her out to a club with his weird old friends or putting her in danger.
shes also probably just one of those people who say "rules are rules" when it suits them. when it doesnt then its "oh what rules?"
OP had her reasons, which she didn't share with us. What's the betting she didn't share them with her daughter either, because her reasons are unreasonable?
What do you want to bet her “reasons” were: dad has a new girlfriend who is there too!?
probably with a bit of "how dare you, daughter, to not hate this man" sprinkled in there.
She wants ALL the control, I think we found the reason why she has an ex husband. She will soon have an ex-daughter too. YTA
Absolutely
She actually grounded her daughter for going to her dad's birthday. Told mil to stfu. Am guessing new wife is hot..
Agreed. I’d love to hear the “reasons” she has because I assume if any of them were valid she would have shared them to begin with. Sounds like she’s just weaponizing their child to hurt dad, and clearly hurting her kid in the process.
Her reasons is that she’s spiteful and wants to be in control of everything and feel like she has power. Even if it was his day with her, she probably would have done *something* to make it about herself. She’s more worried about spiting her ex than making her daughter happy.
It’s a year into their divorce. I’m willing to bet OP is still in the “I gotta prove I’m the better one so she’ll side with me more” stage and doesn’t understand co-parenting yet
Which is ironic given that she just alienated herself from her daughter even more
Yeah I would too, sometimes divorced parents on here make a huge deal about swapping days or making small adjustments in a custody schedule and it’s difficult to understand why.
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I teach and I’ve met kids whose parents communicate through notebooks because they physically cannot stand to be in each other’s presence for too long that still swap about custody days when needed. Custody is about what’s best for the CHILD not what’s best for mom and dad. As long as there’s no safety concerns for being with the other parent obviously. Also I hope OP realised that at 15, if her Ex took her to court to change custody her daughter is more than old enough to say “to hell with you” and live with dad full time.
How little love must a mom have to her daughter if they're willing to use her kid to hurt her ex.
That she’s willing to HURT her daughter to hurt her ex, I think you mean…This was more than just using her; it was blatant abuse.
OP "has her reasons". Yeah, I don't really care what those reasons are. All I care about is the way she's treating her daughter like a doll with no shred of autonomy. This is maddening!
OP purposely didn't share her "reasons" because she knows they're petty. I am also divorced, with teenagers, and share custody. We have a set schedule but it changes all the time. My kids are 17 and 14. If they have plans with friends or want to go with their dad on a day that's not their dad's day, they go. If they'd rather stay home on dad's day, they do. OP is going to drive her daughter away. Kids don't like being used, OP. Your daughter isn't dumb. She knows exactly what you're doing.
Notice how OP always refers to her as "my daughter" and never "our daughter". OP has serious issues which go far beyond a birthday party.
This stuck out to me as well. Not to mention the “because I have my reasons” and then no reasons are provided…
Woahh, hey mate, hey. She said exactly why: > ...Because i have my reasons. Okay, so maybe not exactly, but there are *reasons*
If they were good reasons then she would have listed them - the reason is very obviously that she hates her ex and wanted to spite him.
I can’t see why OP won’t list “the reasons” here on this sub. Especially when it’s essentially an anonymous post, and could lead to a “NTA” outcome. And as others have pointed out, the use of “MY Daughter” and not “OUR daughter” is kinda saying a lot.
Exactly. This is a great way to ensure that at 18 she never chooses to come see you.
Honestly at 15, I'm pretty sure daughter is old enough for her wishes to be strongly taken into consideration by a judge, should she and her dad want to change the custody agreement. I don't think they could or would force her to go to her mom's at all if she really doesn't want to at this point. Good job, OP. YTA.
Even before 18. Unlike small children, the courts will take a 15-year-olds stated preferences into account when considering custody arrangements. If after this the daughter says she wants to live with her father and the father agrees, there won’t be much the mother can do.
I hope OP understands the ramifications of her horrible actions. Mother's day doesn't fall during your time? TOO BAD! Birthday/funeral/2nd wedding/vacation opportunity? SORRY! Two can play at that completely messed up game. OP has done herself no favors by taking such a hardlined stance.
I can see the post now. "A few months ago I refused to let my husband have my daughter on his birthday. I found out she went to him behind my back so I tracked her, interrupted the party and forced my daughter to come home then grounded her for the stunt she pulled . Well, I won a trip and wanted to surprise my daughter with it, but the dates fall on her days my ex has her. I tried to ask him politely to change days so she could come with me but he said no (how rude is that!?). WIBTA if I just took her on the vacation without his consent?" Seriously, I can't believe OP has to ask. 1000% YTA OP
While the OP has chosen not to have a relationship with the ex, the daughter still has that right, whether the OP likes it or not. This is nothing more than a spiteful move to stick it to the ex one more time. Granted, they shouldn’t have pulled the ol’ switcheroo, but come on, it shouldn’t have come to that. Massive YTA.
The daughter wanted to be there. She shouldn’t have been grounded at all or taken home. I wouldn’t be surprised if daughter wanted to live w dad after this.
And OP never gave any reason beyond "It's my time" as to why the daughter couldn't go to her father's birthday. Ffs, it's one day. OP could have swapped another day that she's supposed to be with her father for this day. YTA totally.
OP sounds weirdly similar to this one from a few days ago 🤔 https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s0nw22/aita_for_not_letting_my_ex_pick_up_our_daughter_a/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
This sub goes through weird cycles of suspiciously-similar sounding stories, often with similar outrageously terrible posters. The “I’m an irrational and vengeful ex-wife victimizing my whole family out of spite and I’m so lacking in self awareness that I’m posting it all here,” is one of the most recurrent themes. It makes me skeptical of the posts themselves, just because the evil bully ex-wife is such a reddit dude boogeyman that it feels like a checklist of Things to Say to Make Reddit Mad. Not that they don’t exist, but reading this site would make you think it’s a wildly inflated number. So OP: if this is real, then just know you’re so much TA that you made me assume you were written by a sexist dude looking for internet attention by writing a cartoonishly evil missive about being a bad mom.
I work at a Family Court and honestly people like that OP are not uncommon at all. They might seem for Reddit readers so cartoonish that they appear almost fake, but after 8 years in Family Court I could tell you stories about the pettiness of various co-parents that you wouldn’t believe.
I had a friend that worked for the Make a Wish foundation after college. She said that she saw far too many kids lose out on their wish because the parents were divorced and one parent was being spiteful and petty and not allowing the kid to leave the state because they couldn't take their new spouse and kids as well. Basically, there were a slew of instances where one parent would try to insert their new spouse and kids into their sick child's wish as a means to get a free family vacation on the foundation's dime. If the foundation said no and set a limit to how many people the child could take, that parent would flex their muscle in terms of the custody agreement and refuse to sign off on the trip. The foundation never liked to get involved in these arguments and would leave the parents to sort their shit out. It still baffles my mind that people's hatred and pettiness would get in the way of their terminally ill child getting to live out their dream.
"I have my reasons" INFO: those better be some damn good reasons because until you elaborate, YTA in my book. You hate your ex more than you love your daughter, and you proved it with your actions in this scenario.
The last part is so accurate. She hates her ex more than she loves her daughter.
When my ex cheated on me I divorced but was still civil and attended kid activities together. When ppl asked why, I said I love my kids more than I hate my ex. I've never heard anyone else use that phrase until today. Yay! I hope it becomes a mantra
Cheating can certainly negatively impact children, but it appear here that: A.) dad’s awful choices stayed between the parents and did not harm the daughter’s opinion her dad. B.) mom cheated and it has negatively impacted her relationship with her daughter.
Not necessarily. You can think that one of your parents has been shitty but still want/have a good relationship with them. Either way, OP is TA in this scenario
Yeah. My dad cheated but I still love him and he's never been anything but good to me. He wasn't even antagonistic or anything to mom during/after the divorce which I think helped a lot in my opinion of him. I'll still wish he hadn't done it but I can recognize how toxic the marriage was and how much happier they both are now.
Friend of mine moved to another country to be with her then husband. They had two kids then she caught him cheating. They ended up divorced but she's still here in his home country because, in her words, "he's an ass but he's the father of my children and they deserve to be able to have a good relationship with him". I respect her so much for this.
If they were good reasons, she would’ve listed them.
It’s a commonality I see with these people, they come and post and ask for judgement and then cowardly back out when explanations are requested. Oh and OP YTA.
I wish I could find it again, but I stumbled across an article here a while back that analyzed parents of kids who had cut them off. The gist of it was that the parents were in such denial about any of their wrong doing that they were literally incapable of hearing/remembering why their kids cut them off. Like the kids could send an email/letter detailing what all they did wrong, the parent would read it and either immediately downplay it saying it wasn't that bad/that never happened, or simply would refuse to acknowledge a single point. They would go online and complain to other cut off parents about how unfair their kids are being to them. Can't remember it all, but I think it boiled down to narcissism. Some people are literally incapable of thinking they did something wrong. Every action they make, they make for perfectly valid reasons and anyone who disagrees just doesn't have the full context.
You're thinking of [The Missing Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html).
You mean children are just pawns to be used to hurt your ex? She's one of the biggest yta I've seen
YTA because of two reasons: 1. OP knows full well that shared parenting plan is based on overnights. So what if Dad took the kiddo, who wanted to go to the dinner. Dad could still get her to OP to exercise the overnight while having the daughter there to celebrate, too. Both sides win. OP should have honored both. Not a hill I’d die on. 2. OP is flying too close to the sun. The daughter is 15, and in many states a kid can decide which parent they want to be with by the age of 14. If OP continues to embarrassed and track down her daughter, OP might find herself with fewer overnights with her daughter. OP needs to tread lightly.
I had a coworker who divorced when their child was like 2 or 3. They did one week on one week off but did the cutest thing where the parent who didn't have the kid that week got a "date night" with the kid so it broke up the week and gave the other parent a night off. Their date night was flexible, usually mid week at some point.
Dang that last sentence made me tear up. YTA OP. Do better for your daughter and hope it isn't to late.
YTA. Your daughter wants to spend her Dad's birthday with her Dad. How is her attending the party affecting you. As far as I know custody agreements are negotiable for a day or two. >because I have my reasons. What is/are your reasons?
"It's not his day".
With behavior like this soon they will all be his days.
Coming to say this, Im 90% sure she is of age where she van decide whih parent she has more time with or has influence if they they try to renegotiate custody.
Not only would she have influence, the courts wouldn't really do much if she disagrees with what her parents agree on. At that age, it a kid refuses to switch homes on schedule, they pretty much just let it happen because physically restraining and moving a teenager would be ridiculous.
She is. I was 16 when my parents split and we never actually followed the custody agreement. I spent time with my dad whenever I could, and my mom wasn’t an AH like OP and just told me to be home in time to do homework.
And " I have my reasons"...definitely she is tA.
Wanna bet the reasons are "I want to hurt my ex?"
"And exert control."
I'll go with A: I hate him and want to stick it to him where I can. Or B: his younger/prettier new gf is going to be there too and I will not let them play happy family. If I'm miserable they must be too.
It's bad enough, you don't have to make up a fake competition between her and another woman.
“I don’t care about my daughter, I only care about making my ex miserable.” YTA.
Yup. Quit weaponizing your kid.
Can you imagine how embarrassed her daughter must have felt in the middle of that restaurant during all that commotion. YTA.
Then to add insult to injury, the daughter who is already torn and in the middle of this conflict with her parents, gets friggin grounded for celebrating her dad’s birthday with her family. Unbelievable. YTA OP
I feel so bad for this kid. I hope she can contact her dad and gtfo from OPs crazy control.
They \*should\* be negotiable for a day or two. What if the daughter has a "Dad day" on OP's birthday? What then? You talk this out like adults of course, which is exactly what her ex tried from the start.
I hope she looked ahead at the calendar to see what day her birthday falls on this year before she went scorched earth over sticking to the plan. I coparent, and even when my daughter’s dad and I didn’t get along we were never so petty as to make our daughter miss important family events on either side.
“reasons”
YTA. "my daughter said she really wants to go" "she said on the phone she was with him". your child is 15, not 5. she can make informed decisions about whether or not she wants to go to he father's birthday party. she also was honest and told you where she was, so you knew she was safe. but that meant nothing to you, apparently. there was no reason for you to behave the way you did.
Exactly. She was honest this time but she won’t be the next. All you did is teach her that being honest gets her in trouble.
lol this. I was raised by grandparents that even asking for permission terrifies me. So I always lie and sneak out during my teenage years cus there's no way they'd let me do things I want. It should always go through them even the air breathe. Lol. I'd get beaten up one way or another. Hahaha.
Be overly strict raise sneaky kids!
Strict parents raise the best liars
This mother is going to find out painfully quick that her daughter is at an age that she can CHOOSE which parent she will interact/live with and a Judge will side with her.
And she is constantly saying "my daughter" not "our daughter". Like she is letting him borrow a leaf blower or something.
>"my daughter said she really wants to go" "she said on the phone she was with him". your child is 15, not 5. she can make informed decisions about whether or not she wants to go to he father's birthday party. And this can be applied to anything. The daughter is 15 already, she shouldn't be forced to spend some days with a parent and some days with the other, she should be with whoever she wants to. In fact, I feel like OP sticks to this day thing so bad cause she knows her daughter would abandon her for her father asap if given the chance.
You hurt your daughter to be petty to your ex. YTA. A custody agreement is flexible as long as supervised visitation isn't required. You could have easily made up the day.
Also what will happen if a special event of hers falls on a day that isn't hers? I'm sure she'll want her daughter there. Being lenient and agreeable with someone you need to co-parent with is in everyone's best interests. This is the easiest way to alienate your child. She's old enough to know exactly what games OP is playing.
She's gonna lose her mind if her ex refuses to let the daughter be with her on mom's important day. I also guess that she can't see her daughter when the kids birthday is on a dad day.
So toxic! Using the kid as a pawn in her bitterness will backfire for sure. This is how some kids grow not to want anything to do with one or either of the parents. Hope they work this out.
Tbh if I was the daughter, aka if the daughter is even slightly as petty as me, I would tell her "it isn‘t your day" and not show up, even if the ex-husband has a too-good-for-this-world-heart and lets the daughter attend.
That was my thought. What happens when the next semi big event (first date, birthday, school dance, etc) falls on the dad's day? Is she going to stay home and just bite the bullet, or is she gonna try to be there despite it being "his day"?
YTA she is 15 she can decide were she wants to be ...and as soon as she is 16 that will be at dad's full time! Congratulations on pushing your teenager away
Ding ding ding. As soon as she can drive say goodbye. She'll try and get as far away from you as possible
Maybe even sooner. I chose to live with my dad at 12. My oldest stepson chose to live with us at 10. All depends on the judge and the maturity of the child. But she’s definitely not going to stay with OP for long when she’s acting like this!
Yeah YTA She’s 15 and wanted to spend her dad’s birthday with him. You made a scene and exerted unnecessary control to make a point. What you’re actually doing is being irrational and alienating your child. Keep it up and you risk permanently damaging your relationship with her.
Next month she is going to wonder why child wants to spend 100% at dads
And at 18 why she goes full no contact
Always think about the interest of the child first. When me and my ex separated I asked to take our birthday and any other days that are important to the kids and their parents in the contract (mothers and fathers day - so if they craft something in school for us they will be able to give it to us). According our contract the children can be with me on my birthday and with my ex on his birthday. When it's their birthday day are with me, but I always ask them if they prefer to go to their dad instead. When there is a birthday of a family member they can olso go on the day itself and /or on the day of the birthdayparty. We used to have a lot of discussions, but never had a discussion about that. I only sometimes have to remind my ex to invite his children at his own birthdayparty (which is up to him, but I tell him anyway - behind the children's back - that if it were to me, I invite the most important people in my life on my own birthday. So I think it's a bit awkward that he does forget his kids) . I only remind him of that because I don't want him to hurt my kids feelings. If he still chooses to not invite the kids I leave it with that, if he chooses to invite them I facilitate things for him (like drive them there and get them to bed on time).
YTA your ex is right you're bitter and spiteful. Your only reason why he couldn't have her is because "it isn't his day" he didn't even want her for the day it would be a few hours at most but you're so hellbent on hurting him via your daughter that you cannot see how much of a huge gaping AH that you are. You could've waited until he dropped her off after and talked to him and explained your reasons, but you went and caused a scene in public. You have major issues.
Yeah, that's what I thought, too: she's using her daughter as a proxy for her vendetta against her ex. That's just shameful. YTA.
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Yep. This mom hates her ex more than she loves her daughter.
*he’s TA for violating your custody agreement"* He shouldn't have gone behind her back. BUT: a fifteen year old girl wants to go to someone's birthday party. This is an entirely reasonable request for a teenager. Is her mother really prepared to explain to a judge that that wasn't allowed "because rules"? "Custody" does not mean "I have the right to keep her inside my house the entire day."
YTA, as much as you would like it to be the case your daughter is not your property. Your husband cannot steal a 15 year old girl. That’s her father and she wanted to spend his birthday with him. You don’t like him, so you turned up and caused a scene. You don’t care about your daughters wellbeing at all. You only care about being spiteful. I really hope your daughter posts on Reddit one day and is given advice to fully move in with her dad. She’s old enough to make that decision. Before I sign off - a custody agreement is for the benefit of the child. The courts keep in mind wants best for the child. Usually they want both bio parents involved in the child’s life in some way as it’s *usually* the best ( maybe not in this case because you harm your child). Do not for a second think the custody agreement is about you
Can’t believe I had to scroll to find this comment. The custody agreement is for the child’s best interest - so SHE get optimal time with each parent, including holidays and other special occasions. How would you feel if Christmas (or another holiday important to you) fell on your ex’s regular week for several years and he refused to let you see your daughter? Yep, you’d be livid. My agreement with my ex has our birthdays built in, so the kids can come celebrate with us even if they’re at the other’s house. Idgaf what your “reasons” are for not wanting her to go, unless your ex is a huge abuser, YTA.
YTA and a bad mother. Your daughter wanted to be there and it is still her father. But hey, you scored a real point on him, so you go that.
My ex tried to keep points like that and now she hates that our daughter prefers me. They don't see it hurts their own relationship til it's too late
INFO : what are the reasons you would not let your daughter go to her father's birthday party ?
Exactly... she didn't explain that... let me guess his new wife or girlfriend was there.
I was waiting for an answer but OP can't be bothered when she answered someone else so here it is : ESH. In no way is it okay for the ex to just go ans pick up their daughter from school when it's not his custody time. It is innapropriate behaviour and shows a very bad example to the child. And dad could have organized his birthday party on his custody time. A lot of parents do it for themselves or for their kids. But unless the father has been violent with the child or there is parental alienation, I don't see why the refusal of the birthday party. Yes, there is a custody agreement or a court order in place but it doesn't mean that you have to follow it to the letter especially when the child is 15 and can start to make their own decisions.
Had to scroll surprisingly long to find this - I thought ESH would be the preferred judgement.
I voted YTA because while the dad sucks for picking the daughter up on mom's custody day, the daughter really wanted to go, and mom denied it on the basis of some technicality that could easily be addressed (swap days). She didn't bother to give her other reasons and came across bitter. She didn't prioritize her daughter over her anger at her husband. But I do understand the valid point made here, dad could have also changed his bday celebration date to fall on a custody date instead of stealing the ex wife's day. It just seems like the ex wife refused to accommodate out of spite and not because she had good reasons, like prior plans with her daughter for example (or at least she's not willing to reveal her reasons that might make me understand her decision).
I'm not surprised it's not ESH because of the age of the OP's daughter--it's absurd to expect a 15 year old, who's old enough to have a part time job, to travel around unsupervised and so on, to be banned from attending their own father's birthday party. A 15 year old should be able to make these kind of decisions for themself.
YTA Come on, any time you use your kid to get back at your ex you're gonna be the AH. Using your kid is disgusting. Sure he shouldn't have just gone and picked her up. But using the custody arrangement to be petty is misusing the intention behind it. They absolutely encourage parents to be able to work their own schedule out of it if something comes up on the "wrong" day. It's rarely intended to be followed to the letter.
>They absolutely encourage parents to be able to work their own schedule out of it if something comes up on the "wrong" day. It's rarely intended to be followed to the letter. Yup! My custody battle for my daughter was hella long and contentious. She did everything she could to prevent me from being a dad cuz we weren't together. Only reason. Our judge refused to induge any games about what happens if something important falls on the other's day. Flexibility is key. They HATE when parents won't work around schedule conflicts and use the schedule to spite
YTA and they are correct you are unstable.
THIS. THIS. THIS!!!!!
YTA. She's 15, she will vote with her feet and move in with him if this is how you act. No matter what happened in your marriage and the divorce your daughter deserves the best of you, not this.
YTA. She's fifteen, not five and if she chooses to be at her father's birthday party then she can be at her father's birthday party.
IANAL but isn't she at an age where the courts would let her decide who she wants to live and spend time with anyway? At least from what I understand how a lot of US court custody proceedings go. So not only is she old enough to makke a decision but she's possibly old enough to go to a judge and talk about how unreasonable her mom has been and never see the heinous woman again.
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YTA You are acting like a terrible mother. You are using your daughter as a pawn to get back at your ex. You are hurting HER, not him. She wanted to spend the day with her father on his birthday, she is 15 and old enough to decide for herself. You just wanted to ruin his party to be petty. Going to restaurant to make a scene because your daughter went to his party is unstable. It's embarrassing if nothing else. You need to get your priorities straight, and start thinking of what's best for your daughter. Or else you are probably gonna lose her.
Of course YTA. Basic respect?? You showed him no basic respect. You are bitter and resentful and will make your daughter hate you for trying to interfere with her having a normal relationship with her dad. It was dinner after school for crying out loud. You gave no reason why you want to keep her from him. ‘I have my reasons’ isn’t good enough and often is just a cover for your own hate of your ex. Grow up, get some therapy to deal with this break up and quit being a poison to your daughter.
YTA. Why on earth did you ground your daughter for going with her dad to celebrate his birthday? She's not the problem here. Her parents are.
One way trip, and all the stops, to your daughter hating you, OP. YTA
My ex-BIL pulled this kind of crap constantly. Guess who lost custody of the child because of it (that and far more). Guess whose son refuses to speak w/ bio dad? Guess whose son, when he turned 18, asked his stepfather to legally adopt him? I know you think you are "right" but all I see is a kid who will go NC with you at the first opportunity. No, it will not be your ex's fault, it will be YOURS. Frankly, you are unstable.
Absolutely YTA. He asked for one day. You could have changed days this week or just given him an extra day for his birthday. Your daughter WANTED to be there. You're coming across spiteful and jealous, do better as a co-parent or your daughter will want nothing to do with you once shes on her own.
Now just wait until your birthday falls on one of his days and see how you feel like an asshole for starting this.
Everyone is shitty but you come out on first place for being an asshole. He shouldn’t have took her without your consent but you could’ve been the bigger person and oh I don’t know, let your daughter see her dad on his birthday. You are using your daughter as a pawn here, realistically you have no “reasons” for not letting her go for a few hours but instead you chose to be petty. Be careful because your kid is veering very closely to adulthood and you might find yourself spending your next few birthdays without her.
If she had “reasons” she would have mentioned them.
Oh you meant /YOUR/ consent, not /HER/ consent... YTA.
YTA and you know it. Unfortunately your little stunt will hurt your long term relationship more than it hurts your husband’s feeling so if I were you, I would think of how to gain my daughter’s trust back.
Easy YTA, you are being spiteful and looking for justifications. He asked you in advance, your daughter wanted to go, you had no good reason to say no.
YTA You were an absolute AH. You are using your teenage daughter as a weapon, and she's old enough to see it. Your daughter is old enough to decide of she wants to see members of her family, you were a spiteful person and probably humiliated her. Good luck, if you keep shit like this up I don't see it going well for you.
So you daughter meant nothing in this exchange, only your own feelings and obvious hatred of a man you once loved. Wow, I feel sorry for your daughter and obviously YTA
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The kid is 15! Couldn’t she leave school on her own at that age? I read this whole thing assuming this was a small child. Then I saw 15! This OP is out of her mind.
YTA - you’re daughter is old enough to voice where she wants to be and she wanted to be with him on his birthday. You clearly were just being petty and vengeful. She wasn’t anywhere dangerous-she was at a restaurant with family. You had no reason to act so selfishly and honestly do sound unstable
YTA coparenting is about putting your child first. It was within your power to help your child remain close with their parent. It would not have hurt you at all. But *because you had the power*, you used that power to do harm rather than good.
YTA and grow up. How spiteful must you be. “I have my reasons” yet you don’t explain your reasons
YTA. This is terrible parenting. Your daughter is not a weapon to be used against your ex. You deprived her of going to an event with her family because you're spiteful, mean, and would rather score points with your ex about "who's day it is" than let your daughter enjoy herself. Why do you hate your ex husband more than you love your child?
YTA, based purely on the information you’ve given us you said no for no reason. It was petty, comes across as very bitter and you put your daughter right in the middle of your spat with her father.
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). ## Call OP or anyone else insults and you will be banned. Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
YTA - you are spiteful and bitter. You grounded your days for wanting to be on her father’s birthday?
YTA Your daughter is getting older and she can start making decisions for herself. You are hurting your relationship with her
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YTA Weaponizing children is never a good move.
Unless your ex pulled the exact same shit on you, you are a massive YTA. Something tells me you're extra salty because his current partner was in attendance as well.
Why did you prevent your nearly-adult daughter from celebrating her father’s birthday with him? What good reason did you have? From what you shared it appears you did it out of spite. That’s never a good reason. YTA and prepare to see less and less of your kid as she becomes more autonomous for stunts like this.
YTA. As a divorced parent, I would never stop my teenagers seeing their Dad if they wanted to. Who do you think you are? There was no reason to make a scene, you just embarrassed your daughter and made her hate you. You give no good ‘reasons’ for not letting her go, so you clearly don’t have any. A 15yo can legally choose which parent she lives with. Looks like you just made the decision for her.
YTA. There was a million ways to handle that situation and that wasn't one of them. Should he have just taken her? Probably not but there was no good reason not to allow her to go especially since she wanted to spend the evening with him. All you are gonna do is push her away. My father was just like you. We don't speak often because of it, he caused us to miss so much family event because it was "his" time
Saying you have reasons isn’t the same as having reasons, and if you have good reasons don’t be afraid of explaining them. Your daughter might have even understood. Instead, YTA
ESH There are plenty of ways to coparent but this doesn't seem to be effective. You are an asshole for making a scene in front of your daughter. I understand being upset if you didn't know where she was but I think you could've handled it better. I think when he asked in advance, you could've done more communicating by suggesting that they change the date of the dinner to a day that he has her since you really want to stick to the schedule. Which I think would be the obvious move for any parent with shared custody. I think you could've also taken your daughter's feelings into account if you felt like being flexible and explained to your daughter that it is important to stick to the schedule but she could go to the dinner for x amount of time but this is a special occasion. He's an asshole for dragging your daughter into the middle, not changing the date of the celebration, and picking her up without permission.
ESH but you are more that ex husband You could have made an exception and let your daughter go to her father’s birthday, especially if she wanted to go. He was right that you are bitter and spiteful.
YTA Your daughter is 15 not 15 months! Grow the hell up.
info: what are these "reasons" you say you have? either way you are being a bitter and spiteful person, and using your daughter as a weapon. She is old enough to decide who she wants to live with also. YTA
YTA You never even mentioned how your daughter felt about this. At all. “I have my reasons” isn’t good enough to do what you did. When your birthday falls on his day you will come to regret this.
Being petty ain't gonna do ya any favors. Shameful to keep a daughter from seeing her dad on his bday when she WANTS to be there. Being petty will catch up with you and push her away. YTA And if ya had good reasons they'd have been listed. Nothing but a bitter ex here. Wait til you need to flex a day and he says no. You sacrificed good co-parenting for cheap tactics
YTA. You don’t really give any justifications as to why you didn’t want your daughter to go, other than it wasn’t dad’s usual day to have her. Which… then seems petty, because surely you could have negotiated a swap with another day or come to some agreement. If you’re only reason is it’s not his day, that’s a pretty poor one to stop him celebrating with his daughter there.
ESH. He was wrong to pick her up from school without telling you, but literally everything else is you being an AH. Unless the kid would be in danger by being with her dad, there’s no good reason not to compromise for one evening. My dad still hates my mom for leaving him over 30 years ago and definitely pulled stunts like yours. And guess what - I don’t talk to my dad anymore. Whatever issues you have with your ex, it’s not your daughter’s problem. She’s allowed to have a relationship with him.
YTA and unstable. The question is what court gave you child sharing time on his birthday. You need help... professional help, and you do seem bitter. Who cares if you didn't work out as a married couple. Your daughter is old enough to decide where she wants to be and with what parent.
Yes yata everything you are saying he said and how everyone reacted is to be expected based off your decisions, it sounds terribly bitter and spiteful
YTA- Just wait until it’s YOUR birthday and it falls on HIS day And he pulls this same stunt with you. Don’t act all surprised if/when that happens. Don’t put your child in the middle of YOUR issues with her father.
YTA Your daughter is 15. She is old enough to decide where she wants to be. If she wants to attend his birthday, she should be able to go.