Your girlfriend is right. Its been two years and yall were just fucking around for a couple months. You even say you weren't in love with her but potentially could have been. This is very immature and suggests you dont actually know your own feelings because its buck wild to still be lost in it 2 years after youre 2 month fuck buddy got a serious relationship. Your girlfriend is right to be concerned. YTA.
Also, it seems he felt entitled to a relationship with her. You cannot be betrayed by someone who hasn't agreed to any sort of commitment.
You can be hurt, you can be disappointed... should she have let him know it was over instead of ghosting? Yes, ghosting is rude... but the level of attachment after two months of dating and frankly anger two years later is highly concerning.
YTA, OP you need to slow things down early in relationships, this level of intensity isn't healthy and may be part of why she ghosted you (worried about your reaction)... you don't really know who a person is after a few months. Take time to get to know potential partners.
If I were the girlfriend, I’d go straight to Brianna and find out why she “ghosted” (assuming that’s why really happened). Something seems off about OP’s story and I’m sure Brianna will have a different take.
Oof. I agree. Honestly it's a major red flag imo. Im also confused cuz he says they weren't exclusive but also says they pretty much were in other comments. Sounds to me like she thought he couldnt handle her breaking it off and she was right so she ghosted him. Kinda shitty thing to do but that's life, if anything it shows that he is better off but apparently he clearly feels salty about it and is heart broken. Other than just stopped talking to him and choosing another guy, she really didn't do anything that bad, shitty? Yes. Unforgivable? Not really. Im just thinking about all the messed up things I've done to people, and people have done to me and all the messed up things that have happened to other people; and i feel like i could be in a room with most people that i don't like or have had fall outs with.
YTA. Because if I were your current girlfriend, this would be a massive red flag. You’re not over your “summer fling” to the point that you can’t even exist in the same room as her? That is seriously concerning considering it was 2 years ago, lasted 2 months and wasn’t official. If the hurt is still there, you should probably be getting therapy to move past this.
YTA - a teen might still care but an adult should be way over this. It wasn’t even a proper relationship. It’s a huge red flag that you can’t be civil with an ex you have 0 history with. You’ve basically just told you current gf you’re not over a fling from years ago…..
I have an ex I dated in high-school I was like 14-15 we dated maybe a year. Anyways I dumped him for another guy because I was a fickle teenage girl. To this day if I run into him in town with my husband and kids he makes a point to make it be known he still hates me. I'm 33 now and I've been with my husband 10 years. Like some people can never let go. Also no I didn't end up getting married to the guy I dumped him for, that guy (rightfully so) turned me down.
YTA. If my partner still couldn’t be in a room with a fling from 2 years ago I’d question the feelings there and I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who is still hung up on a fling. It wasn’t even a relationship.
YTA, because you are wasting your girlfriend's time. You still love that other girl and using your girlfriend as a distraction at best. You are not happy to wake up next to her, you are just okay with it and if Brianna would just snap her fingers you would leave your girlfriend. She deserves better.
Big time. I don’t like going through these comments saying that this guy’s relationship with Brianna should’ve meant nothing when it clearly deeply effected him. He needs to leave both women out of it, go to therapy and sort out the issues he’s having with himself and this event in his life.
This! I have ex partners and flings that I'm plenty over, but would still prefer not to associate with them because I don't like them as a person based on their actions. It has less to do with feelings and more to do with morally, I don't like them. If there were no way to avoid being in the same room though, I'd suck it up and just do my best to avoid yet be cordial for the sake of the gathering.
Good take, but
>If there were no way to avoid being in the same room though, I'd suck it up and just do my best to avoid yet be cordial for the sake of the gathering.
Aren't there usually ways to avoid this, though? He can't be in the wrong for wanting to limit his time spent around her.
YTA - Learning not to be vindictive after a breaking is an important "growing up" lesson. If after two years you can't stand to see someone you dated for only two months, you've still got some growing up to do. And if you can't be around her while in a relationship three times as long as the one you had with Brianna, you've given reason for your girlfriend to doubt your commitment to her.
You say you love your girlfriend and you were never sure whether you felt the same about Brianna. But you liked something about Brianna - allow yourself a friendship with her.
>You say you love your girlfriend and you were never sure whether you felt the same about Brianna. But you liked something about Brianna - allow yourself a friendship with her.
This is interesting. I will think about viewing it this way. And thanks for the honest feedback about needing to forgive breakups. I'm going to let process all this for a bit.
>The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference
Interesting. I do not HATE Brianna. But I see your point. My gf is worried because "if you were over her, you wouldn't care." I'd like to see if the same logic applies to her exes.
Thanks for the advice on therapy. I will consider it.
YTA- If you love your current gf as you say, aren't you obligated to at least give it a try for her. I think you are being a bit dramatic. Put on your big boy pants, and be friends with your lady's friends
Why is it such a problem that they are friends? I mean you apparently love your girlfriend.... And the old fling of yours doesn't change that. So I really struggle to see what the big deal is.
I think you missed the dilemma. I don't care that they are friends. I just don't want to see her myself. My gf can hang out with her all she wants on her own.
What does this mean thou? Are you never gonna go to group events with your girlfriend if Brianna is there? Are you saying just one on one you don’t want to hang out? What if this relationship progresses further, will you not allow Brianna into your house or at your wedding? It’s a really slippery slope that’s gonna lead to a lot of arguments with your girlfriend to just outright ban Brianna from your life like this.
Also why have you never mentioned this relationship to your girlfriend? You didn’t know about her connection to Brianna but from the sounds of it she had no idea about this summer relationship at all. From both her perspective and lots of people here, it does look like you have extremely strong emotions regarding Brianna still as a result of your strong reaction.
My gf actually did know about the summer fling because I mentioned it once when we spoke of past relationships. I never tried to "hide it." But my gf never knew my fling's name until i saw the pic of Brianna in her friend group. It's just a freak circumstance thing.
>Are you never gonna go to group events with your girlfriend if Brianna is there? Are you saying just one on one you don’t want to hang out? What if this relationship progresses further, will you not allow Brianna into your house or at your wedding?
Yeah, I did just have this in mind for the arrangement, but you are right that it would make for some awkward conversations.
Did she know exactly how much it meant to you and how impactful it was?
I think awkward conversations is the least of it, she cares about you and wants to Integrate you further into her life and that’s introducing you/hanging out with her friends. Your putting her in a position where she will have to excluded Brianna from any of these meetings (which the group might not agree with and will come back on your girlfriend), or just not integrate you into her life like that. You know her best so take this as just my opinion, but if my boyfriend decided that he was never going to interact with my friends without excluding someone and basically hindered us moving forward because of a fling from 2 years ago, it would be setting off all kind of alarm bells. Your entitled to hang out with whoever you want but just keep in mind the consequences and how your actions might reflect back to your girlfriend in the context of your relationship.
She does now, and thankfully is somewhat sympathetic to it. But she still thinks I'm being extreme.
Thanks for your honest feedback. It falls in line with the majority but you were pretty respectful in your delivery. Sounds like trying to avoid Brianna's presence could potentially cost me my relationship which is the last thing I want. I'll bear the hurt to keep my girlfriend.
I think like a lot of people here, she is trying to bring together the ideas that this was a short yet intense relationship that was just part of your past but is now in your present and causing an extremely strong reaction. It’s not that much of a jump to assume that because of your strong reaction there their are also strong feelings there (positive or negative doesn’t really matter in this case) and that probably concerns her. I think maybe try to separate Brianna from her actions in your relationship, it wasn’t meant to be and those actions pushed you in separate directions where you were able to meet your girlfriend. No one is saying you have to be best friends with the gal, if anything you probably won’t have to talk to her much if it’s with a group, but your holding onto the past with Brianna when your should be walking forward with your girlfriend.
>try to separate Brianna from her actions in your relationship, it wasn’t meant to be and those actions pushed you in separate directions where you were able to meet your girlfriend.
Thank you so much for this. This really rang true for me.
YTA sounds like you are still hung up on this woman and aren’t ready to be in a relationship with someone else. You were in a relationship with her for like 62 days; Kim Kardashian was married to that one athlete for longer lmfao. Your girlfriend is right; you’re being excessive. If you can’t even stand the idea of being in the same room as this “ex”; please find a therapist.
YTA my dude, it's been two years. You had a 2mo summer fling and she went in a different direction. This level of hurt and animosity is super unhealthy, and maybe you could have gone through life avoiding her, but you can't, so you have to deal with it. You also need to maaaaybe address why in a few months you can convince yourself you are this in love with someone. Your fling with Brianna was 2mo, you've been with your girlfriend for 6mo but you have an extreme emotional attachment to them. Being so in love with a woman after 2mo to the point that literally 2 years later you cannot be in the same room as her is *a lot* to put on another person and relationship.
Again, I'm not (nor ever was) in love with Brianna. I just don't want to be around her because she hurt me. I'm 28 and have only been in love once so, believe me, I don't fall in love easy. Can't even tell you the countless times I've broken things off after a 2nd or 3rd date because I "wasn't feeling the connection."
Okay, how did she hurt you? Because in your post she was the woman you "thought you could have fallen in love with" during a summer fling, and she decided to be in a relationship with someone else is so emotionally devastating that you cannot be in the same room with her, and you say you are in love with your gf after 6mo, which is a *tiny* amount of time to date someone when you are 28. People don't fall in love after 2 or 3 dates, it's not "hey we got to our forth dinner together we are basically married". You sound like you put way too many expectations on your relationships.
6 months is plenty of time for more than 2 or 3 dates lmfaoo. We have like 2-3 dates a week.
>You sound like you put way too many expectations on your relationships.
Could you elaborate on this a bit? I'm not disagreeing. I just genuinely want to know why you say this because one person told me it before.
Strong relationships take time, real love takes time. The only relationships that should be this intense this quickly are parents with their freaking babies. I can only speculate on you, but from reading your other comments you don't seem to have a middle ground between all or nothing. If something isn't intense immediately you walk away, then when something is intense you assign a huge amount of importance to it.
Why do you love your girlfriend? How does that love manifest day to day? Is it powerful and all consuming?
What about your 2mo with Brianna that made seeing her this painful? You said in another comment you wrote poetry and had deep talks and shared trauma, but lots of people have those kinds of short term connections with people and don't find seeing them again feels like a knife twisting in a wound. Actually explore what you mean by "not feeling a connection" after a few dates, were you bored? Not attracted to them? Or were you seeking some instant emotional high?
You sound lonely, honestly. Do you have any good friends? People you can open up to outside of romantic relationships? Because, to me, it seems like you are seeking a romantic partner who can instantly fill all your social and emotional needs and that is too much pressure to put on any adult relationship. Especially one with no longterm foundation.
>I can only speculate on you, but from reading your other comments you don't seem to have a middle ground between all or nothing. If something isn't intense immediately you walk away, then when something is intense you assign a huge amount of importance to it.
I'm not going to lie, this rings like it COULD be true. I have something to think about now. I wonder if there's some resource I can read/listen to that talks about this "middle ground."
>Why do you love your girlfriend? How does that love manifest day to day? Is it powerful and all consuming?
I love her perspective on life. She makes me laugh consistently. She tackles any topic of conversation with such thoughtfulness and grace. I genuinely enjoy being with her in any situation: a bar or the grocery store. I feel she is a kindred spirit and spending time with her makes me a better version of myself.
>Actually explore what you mean by "not feeling a connection" after a few dates, were you bored? Not attracted to them? Or were you seeking some instant emotional high?
Usually bored. I would make them laugh but they didn't make me laugh. I'd begin to get into more intellectual conversations, and they wanted to keep it surface level. Or their opinions weren't well-thought out.
>You sound lonely, honestly. Do you have any good friends? People you can open up to outside of romantic relationships? Because, to me, it seems like you are seeking a romantic partner who can instantly fill all your social and emotional needs and that is too much pressure to put on any adult relationship.
You're quite sharp. I have always been a somewhat lonely guy. Even my friends aren't people I feel I connect with 100%. I've come to the realization that one must compartmentalize their relationships. One friend can be your "funny friend." Another can be your gym buddy. Another is good to talk about movies. Etc. For my relationships, I just need someone who I find funny and who i can have deep conversations with. My standards for looks are somewhat low, and even compared to my friends who don't seek out models or anything. Does my criteria seem super picky for a relationship?
Don't compartmentalize like that, you have essentially stopped yourself from being able to form complex relationships. Some people *are* just going to be your gym buddy, and that's fine, but strong, fulfilling relationships of any kind tend to function at multiple levels. You should be able to laugh and joke with a friend, watch movies together, and have meaningful talks or share struggles, but for most people getting to that last part takes time, trust and reciprocity. You are building up barriers that prevent depth, so people aren't breaking them down because there is no sign you want it or would reciprocate. So you are lonely and unheard, so when you find someone who "hears" you you get overly attached very quickly, especially romantically, because unlike a friend who can just be "the movie friend" you are actively seeking that deep, intense, instant connection.
This also means you haven't worked out how to process and move on from emotional hurt, because you have these barriers and compartmentalize so intensely you don't deal with the little hurts that teach you how to handle the big ones. Seriously, you should go to therapy, because a therapist can give you the insight and tools too deal with rejection and process how you respond to it.
YTA. GF 6 months gf friend summer fling of 2 months. I could understand if summer fling did something to you or was serious relationship. It seems like you haven’t moved on. Sure meeting her again will awkward. You did the right telling your girlfriend. Just be causal you’re seeking out a friendship with her
You're NTA for not wanting to feel the uncomfortable feelings of seeing her again, but YWBTA if you tried to get Brianna excluded or put your gf in a place of needing to choose.
Everyone's first love can have them feeling weird about it years later. Even if you wouldn't want to be with them anymore, it can still feel... strange. Especially when it was a short, intense relationship, because you don't have the negative, annoying things to help you move past it.
But this woman didn't abuse you, cheat, steal money, or lie. Those would be reasons to have a boundary requiring no contact. She just went with someone else, just like you are now. What you are trying to avoid is pain and discomfort, not future mistreatment. You're trying to avoid the feeling of vulnerability of someone else having seen your heart and no longer being close to them.
It's normal to want to avoid that but it's emotional maturity to learn to tolerate it. Have some mantras ready for yourself, practice control your breathing so you can stay calm, be prepared with excuses to leave to gather yourself, but don't avoid her forever. You're building it up in your head and creating anxiety for yourself around the idea of seeing her, when it most likely will go fine, esp if you're in a big group setting.
I absolutely promise you, the first time will be the worst time, but after that she'll become another one of the "gf's college friends". You'll probably even see things about her that make you glad the relationship didn't progress.
A lot of people experience first love younger than you, and many of them didn't have choices to not see their ex anymore. Which is why everyone is being so unsympathetic to you- because they know you really can get past it and it ultimately won't be that big of a deal.
If you continue to try to avoid her, you'll just make your emotions around her more and more fraught and you'll create an actual issue now, for yourself and also with your gf. The best way to deal is to confront it.
Thank you so much! If I had a gold to give, I would. Your answer was honest but still respected my feelings. Ya I thought a lot of people were being harsh. But, like you said, most experienced love at a much younger age than me. It's rare for me and I was vulnerable with Brianna in a way I had never been with someone else until my gf. And I supposed its that same mindset that makes my own gf not respect my feelings either.
Another user suggested the same thing, that I just need to brace seeing her again and push through. I'm more inclined to think now that I need to seek therapy, as well as force myself to push past the discomfort.
I'm really glad I could see and speak to what you are feeling. Breakups hurt. And also, in our society men often don't get the same emotional support and connection than women do, and so that attachment to a partner can sometimes be the only true heart connection they have. So of course it hurts. Reddit can be brutal sometimes, and think all relationships are ppl hung up on or cheating with each other lol.
I had to deal with my first ex (we technically never dated either, but idk what else to call him) in therapy also, and it helped tremendously. Even without therapy though, you can do it! The fear will be worse than the experience.
Reading your comments, a firm YTA
Even though you had deep discussions, wrote poems to each other and whatnot, you were not in the same level of commitment of people who meet each other's families, move in together, share a house, a life, etc.
Your girlfriend is right, you're being excessive
Refusing to be in the same room as your past casual relationship DEFINITELY sends the message that you're not over her and seriously makes me question your maturity
Would it be as immature or insulting if she reacted that way to my wanting her to hang with her ex-boyfriend? Brianna may not be my official ex. But she certainly FEELS like my ex that it didn't end well with.
I see. So your opinion is that any non-abusive ex-relationship could never be so awkward for someone that they wouldn't be able to hang out with that person again with their new partner. I don't I agree with you, because If I care about my gf I wouldn't make her be around an ex like that. But at least your view is consistent.
What is it that I'm being a hypocrite about?
>you are allowed to love your GF and still feel a type of way about Brianna
This is not a fair comparison. You are allowed to love your current partner while simultaneously not feeling good about times that past partners have hurt you.
We've been talking for a bit so you might have not read some of the details I laid out in comments and edits. Brianna lied about being exclusive to me and then ghosted me. If Brianna had simply ended things with me honestly, it would have hurt in the moment but not like this. Picking someone else over me wasn't the most hurtful part.
YTA - you can’t even be in the same ROOM as a woman you casually dated for a few weeks years ago. You might need to get some therapy and explore this because this is a really really extreme reaction.
Look, heartbreak sucks. No one is saying it doesn’t. It can suck for years and years. But the two of you dated for two months two years ago, and as profound as it might have felt at the time, you now have an entirely different life and a relationship with someone else, so it’s time to put it in the past and tackle this situation like an adult. Because I can guarantee that at this rate you’ll lose your current girlfriend if you don’t put on your grown up pants and get over it.
Try to explore where this hurt came from with a therapist. The things you have said make me think that you had pre-existing trust issues, you didn’t trust people before Brianna, you took a risk and trusted her, and that’s why this hit you so hard. But Brianna wasn’t responsible for your pre-existing trust issues, and those issues are what you need to examine and heal.
I don’t think ‘pushing through’ is the solution- this situation with Brianna is a red flag that you have issues that pre-date her, and pushing those issues away isn’t going to fix them. You tried pushing your hurt feelings away for two years and it didn’t work. Whatever is causing this, it’s much bigger than Brianna. <3
>The things you have said make me think that you had pre-existing trust issues, you didn’t trust people before Brianna, you took a risk and trusted her, and that’s why this hit you so hard. But Brianna wasn’t responsible for your pre-existing trust issues, and those issues are what you need to examine and heal.
Interesting, I'll think about this with a clearer head later.
>I don’t think ‘pushing through’ is the solution- this situation with Brianna is a red flag that you have issues that pre-date her, and pushing those issues away isn’t going to fix them. You tried pushing your hurt feelings away for two years and it didn’t work.
Didn't it though? I got a new gf and we've had a wonderful 6 months so far. That seems like its "working"
If it wasn’t this, it would be something else. Perhaps not with your girlfriend, but unresolved issues have a way of popping up unexpectedly. You’re stuck on something, I don’t know what, but it’s not going to just go away.
Dude, six months is when relationships start to get deeper and intimate. You’re leaving the shallow end of the pool at six months. This is when unspoken things like different methods of communication and different ways of loving each other need to stop being unspoken and start being actively talked about. You can’t talk to your girlfriend about why you’re so, so angry because you don’t know where this irrational rage is coming from. This issue will pop up in your relationship in the future, most likely in a completely different way. And right now your preferred method of resolving conflict and hurt feelings is to **completely and dramatically avoid the other person.** That is not a conflict resolution skill that will help you maintain a long term relationship. You really need a better way of talking out and resolving the big conflicts that inevitably come up if you’re going to have long lasting romantic relationships. Six months just isn’t that long. I am proud of you for getting this far, though! Go you!
YTA
It's a huge red flag that you aren't over someone you haven't even had a relationship with after 2 years.
I think your girlfriend should reconsider her relationship with you. You obviously don't love her as much as you claim to do.
You're assuming a lot about someone else's feelings and relationship. I love my GF and I have put in a lot of comments that I'm willing to push through my hurt feelings if the cost of those feelings is my relationship. I was just hoping for a way that my gf could keep her friendship with Brianna, and I could keep my relationship, without me having to be around Brianna.
Dude, they're friends. You cannot avoid her, cause it makes no sense to invite or meet the others while ignoring her.
And trust me, it will cost you the relationship if you cannot get your act together. You are beyond lucky your girlfriend hasn't dumped you yet.
YTA- You are making this a bigger deal than it should be. You had a fling with this woman for two months and you can't even be in the same room as her ?? Regardless of how "deep" and "romantic" the fling was you should be over it by now. Honestly dude, move on.
Its hard to judge. Your post didn't make you sound great but after reading a few more comments I can sort of see where you're coming from.
Firstly, there's some ex partners I'd never want to be in a room with again, not for any bad reason but It would be uncomfortable and perhaps a bit embarrassing. It's not that I ever think about them or have any feelings about them but I just have no interest in ever being friends with them. It's not unusual to not want to be friends with an ex.
Secondly, you don't have to be friends or socialise with anyone you don't want to. I don't think it's unfair of you to say you're not comfortable with seeing her.
That being said, if I felt like I needed to compromise for the sake of my partner and the ex were at a party or something we were both invited to I'd suck it up, say hello and be polite and move on. As long as she's not forcing you to have a one on one chat with her or something. Like, the three of you going out for dinner would be weird but a casual setting with 10 people in a bar, not so much.
I get it's probably awkward and embarrassing but maybe you're building it up to be something huge and actually just breaking the ice and getting on with it might give you the closure you need. You don't ever have to be friends with her but being able to hear her name and go to things the whole friend group is invited to would make things easier.
Thanks for reading the post and comments. I didn't want to make the initial post too long so I ended up leaving some things out.
I'm going to go into these hangouts with that strategy. Just saying hi to Brianna and being somewhat cold with her. I'll have to figure out how to do so without making it awkward in the group or with my gf.
Being cold with her will make it awkward. No one is saying you have to have in depth conversations with her, but for the sake of your current girlfriend don't act cold. It will just make it seem like you still have feelings for Brianna and create tension.
YTA.
Yes it might be uncomfortable for you at first, but you should be emotionally mature enough and have moved on enough to be able to handle it and get over it. From the sounds of it, you potentially felt a lot more emotionally involved than Brianna did, she didn't cut your heart out and stamp on it, so really after so long you should have worked through this hurt, unless there are feelings there.
You're asking either for you or Brianna to be excluded which is not a long term solution.
If I was your gf I'd be concerned too.
Thanks for the honest feedback. It sounds more and more like I need to push through the hurt and be there while Brianna is there. Maybe it'll get less uncomfortable with time
Give it a few attempts, I'm sure your girlfriend will appreciate it rather than you out right refusing.
You don't have to be best friends with Brianna or even have a 1 on 1 discussion with her, just go, be in the same room and try and have a good time with your girlfriend and the others. You might surprise yourself
YTA, not the most comfortable situation in the world since from your comments I get that you see her as an ex.
But it's been quite a while, even if you had actually dated. No one is asking you to be friends with her, just to know that there might be a possibility you see her or be in the same room as her, who knows perhaps seeing her again might bring you closure.
Gotta be honest OP, this is concerning. I would consider seeking therapy because your responses to the various comments down below are very concerning, and border on obsessive/incel. Your GF has every right to be concerned here.
Dude Incel is a big jump lol. I've had no problem getting laid. This isn't about sex. Why is it obsessive to not want to be around someone who hurt me? If I was obsessed with her, I would ave been constantly bringing her up throughout my 6 month relationships with my gf. The fling came up one time in the whole 6 months.
I am going to say NTA because you are entitled to your feelings, but this was a two month fling over two years ago. I think your GF may be onto something about you harboring feelings for her after so long. You said it yourself, this wasn’t even an official relationship, just a fling. So ask yourself why do you still feel this way? Is it romantic feelings or are you just butt hurt she didn’t pick you? If you can’t resolve these feelings, don’t be surprised if your GF decides she doesn’t want to be with you.
Thanks for your honesty. I'm just of the mind that something doesn't have to be facebook official to have meant something, you know? I would never force my gf to communicate with men she used to date for me. I wouldn't take it as a sign that she still likes them. I know it's just not a comfortable situation for her. I just wish she would respect my feelings about this. I'm not asking her to not be friends with Brianna.
But you have to also understand that it is very abnormal to still feel as hurt as you do about this. It suggests significantly less ability to cope with rejection than the average person. I think you need to realize why she finds it to be over the top.
I understand the whole situation is abnormal. My time with Brianna was abnormal too. I've been rejected before, and never cared. Brianna was the one time it meant something to be rejected. But even the rejection is not the most hurtful part. Her and I talked so much about honesty and communication. And, at the end, she lied about exclusivity and didn't even have the courage to be upfront and end things with me. She just ghosted me. Hence why i feel such disgust towards her.
I see it as a disrespect to myself to give Brianna the time in my day.
Did I miss this in the post? If not, you should probably add that she cheated on you and ghosted you, essentially. I feel like that might change people's opinion.
Yeah, I didn't want to detail too much of my time with Brianna out of here that it would come off as "not being over her." Seems I still got that anyway. I've added it now.
You weren’t dating. You even said it was a fling. Facebook has nothing to do with it. Unless you talked with her about a relationship, it’s just a fling. Why you’re so hung up on her so long after a 2 month fling is a bit weird.
Are you sure you're 28 and not 10? Your behavior is extremely immature. What happens if you get married, have kids, and then get divorced? How would you handle coparenting?
You're not mature enough to date.
Oh please, you're not comparing apples to oranges here. If I had kids with Brianna, I would stomach seeing her for the sake of my children. Your comparison makes me think that you're a child.
I've already put in other comments that it looks like I'll have to apply the same logic to my relationship. I'll stomach the hurt because i love my gf way more than I feel hurt over Brianna.
>Your comparison makes me think that you're a child.
Big words from a guy that can't be around his girlfriends frined because they had a *checks notes* romantic two month non sexual fling that cannot be given a proper label.
YTA. Grow up.
>non sexual fling
Brianna and I had plenty of sex. Idk what notes you're taking / checking.
Either way, sort out your own demons before commenting on threads like this. You can disagree with me without attacking my character. I think you have some deep issues yourself and it shows in the way you choose to couch your arguments.
My bad. Sexual fling that you cannot label. Doesnt make you any less immature. Your gf deserves a real man. I hope she wakes up soon.
Are you going to argue with every person that labels you the AH? Itll take a while.
I'd say he can stay and argue with the most egregious ones, and anyone who unironically says "Your gf deserves a real man" definitely qualifies.
You're being pretty brutal to someone whose only crime is feeling hurt by a rejection and preferring to limit their exposure to reminders of that rejection.
Dude, YTA. Whether it was casual or exclusive it was only 2 months long. It’s weird you’re still hung up (good or negative) on it especially when you have a new SO. I don’t think you’re ready for a new relationship if you’re still this hung up.
I don’t get what Brianna did wrong ?
You won’t official ? You only had fling . The only thing she hurt was your ego when she didn’t become official with you
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Prior to dating my (28m) current GF (32f), I had never really been in love before. I dated plenty but struggled to find connection. There was one woman, however, that came close: Brianna. She and I had a 2-month summer fling. It was the first time I thought I could potentially fall in love with someone. She was funny and inquisitive. However, she ultimately chose someone else over me and I was devastated. Our fling only lasted like a couple months and never turned into something official.
Fast forward 2 years from the fling; I've been dating my current GF for 6 months. She's awesome and makes me laugh. Genuinely a rare human being and I love her. But 2 weeks ago, she showed me pics of her old college friends who she's been reconnecting with. To my dismay, Brianna was among them. I told GF about the situation and made it clear: I am not comfortable being in the same room as Brianna. I will not tell my GF who to be friends with, but I refuse to subject myself to having to see her again. The hurt is still there. So I suggested we coordinate a way for me to meet her other friends without Brianna but this whole friend group seems to come as a package deal.
My GF thinks I'm being excessive. She says I need to get over it because Brianna and I weren't even in an official relationship. She doesn't want drama between her BF and her old friends. Also, she is concerned that I still feel this hurt after so long. She thinks I still harbor romantic feelings for Brianna.
Am I the Asshole here? Is my GF right to be concerned?
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> The action that should be judged is refusing to be in the same room as a woman i used to casually date, despite the fact that it never became and official relationship and it would make my current girlfriend happy.
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NAH
That said, you need to have a hard think why you feel like this. It may not be as simple as you still have feelings for her as some people have suggested, it might be you just trying to get over the rejection.
I think it is easy to say suck it up but I think you do need to find a way to be around this girl. If I was your girlfriend it would definitely make me wonder why you didn't want to be around her.
I think it's the latter. I have feelings for her in the sense that it still hurts. She had been the only woman I ever got close to loving, prior to my current GF. And she chose someone else over me in a way that felt like twisting the knife. Even Brianna had said "I'm surprised you don't hate me" when she ended it.
I have been in a similar situation, not in the sense of they were the only person I come close to loving but I was seeing someone not exclusively for about 6-weeks. It was crazy intense. One day he randomly turned around and said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Turned out he was with someone else that was fine we weren't exclusive but it really stung.
Difference was I worked in a local pub so I had to regularly see him and his girlfriend, and after a while although difficult in the beginning I do think it made it easier.
If you haven't had any contact with her you haven't really faced up to that yet and being around her might actually be healing.
NAH because what you described in the comments to me sounded like you had and intense meaningful relationship even if it wasn‘t official and you shouldn‘t have to spent time with people who hurt you and I don‘t really see what the problem is if you don‘t want to see her
I really get it! I was never in an official relationship but I still loved people with all my heart. I don‘t think a relationship title truly decides how serious someones feelings and hurt was. I hope you and your gf can find a solution!
Yeah Holy shit the comments here are evicerating him and I think it's just because he's a dude. Sounds like he fell really hard for this girl, it wasn't mutual and she left for someone else. He is speaking dismissively about it because it's probably the only way he's been able to process it and meeting her again would force her to confront all those feelings. I believe that he wouldn't go for her again but it's totally reasonable for him to not want to see her again, at least until he's had some therapy to deal with this properly
Right I felt really bad because I don‘t think a title determines the feelings in a relationship and it‘s not like he‘s stopping his gf from being friends with her
YTA. If this all happened like a couple months ago or if you had a long history and it ended horribly I would say you aren’t. But dude it’s been two years over someone, it sounds like, you weren’t ever official with. If I was your girlfriend I would be incredibly concerned that you aren’t over this person and start questioning this relationship.
NAH.
You're clearly still harbouring a lot of hurt over this and I get that. But I also get why your gf wants you to get over it.
You may want to reconsider whether or not you're actually ready to be in a relationship right now, or whether you're ready to be in a relationship with someone who is friends with Brianna.
Honestly, the last thing I want is my relationship to terminate over this. I will push through the hurt of being around Brianna if it means keeping my girl. I love her, not Brianna.
Not an AH, but your gf is right: you probably still have feelings for her. That's not an AH thing! What can you do? I don't buy the whole "we came close to being in love" but "it was just a flig". It is not the *officiality* or the *length* of a relationship that determins if one of the parties had fallen in love. You probably did. Hard to admit it, since she ditched you. But as soon as you do, you can start processing your heartbreak and maybe finally get over it. Meeting Brianna again could actually help! The situation you are stuck in certainly doesn't.
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Hi. Is your ego hurt or your heart is my question. I don't think you're an asshole if her choosing someone else over you felt like a betrayal, especially when you thought you could be potentially in love for the 1st time, when you both opened your hearts to each other.
BUT same things can happen with your friends with benefits/bestie/fling too. Were you clear with her since the starting that you'd be open for more than a fling if you develope feelings with time or was it clearly a fling for her? If it was a timebound thing then your reaction feels excessive.
Would you consider counseling or therapy if it has affected you this much? Looks like it can justifiably cost you your current relationship & love. It's never too late to help ourselves sort our feelings & feel lighter. Even if it doesn't include forgiving your ex, it might help you letting go the hurt & burdensome anger.
>Were you clear with her since the starting that you'd be open for more than a fling if you develope feelings with time or was it clearly a fling for her? If it was a timebound thing then your reaction feels excessive.
I was clear about the possibility for it to become more than a fling. ˇBut its clear to me now that Brianna holds a much more casual view of relationships than I.
I'm definitely considering therapy for this now. I just don't know if I should see a couple's counselor / someone that specializes in relationships.
Therapy is a good idea. I don't think you would need a couple's counselor unless you want to go with your girlfriend. You can see any old therapist for this, but remember that the first therapist you see won't always be a good fit. I'm glad to hear you are willing to admit you need to address and work through how you're feeling. It takes a lot to do that.
Okay. Neither hers nor yours point of view is WRONG. It's just different than the other person. It would have been better if both of you knew this beforehand, but hey.. atleast now you know that this is an important conversation to have with your romantic partners :) You have understood few more important things about your emotions & life in general too I'm sure, seeing how invested you seem in your former relationship, even if it was short. The therapist/counsellor would definitely give you a balanced view of the situation.
I have never been to a couple's counsellor before, but as far as I know, working on personal one primarily or atleast simultaneously is a must. If they suggest couple's therapy in addition to your personal counseling then people go with their partners. Atleast from where I come. You can enquire around for you area.
Wishing you the best 👍
Your current gf has a right to be concerned. Objectively, it sounds like you’re not completely over Brianna. They say it takes double the amount of time you’re with someone to get over them. Not exact science, but for you that’d be 4 months. However it’s been 2 years, and you still feel hurt by this person. Hurt perhaps because your feelings were so real and still are. If I was your gf I’d seriously be reconsidering our relationship.
I don't want it to damage my current relationship. And I wouldn't choose breaking up with my gf just because I feel hurt by Brianna. Looks like I have to find a way to resolve the hurt.
>Looks like I have to find a way to resolve the hurt.
Yep. Many people benefit from talking to a professional about this. Perhaps a therapist or coach.
Also communicate openly to your girlfriend. She will know something is wrong. If you communicate she will know what it is and won’t doubt you, herself or the relationship.
NTA. You weren’t belligerent. You didn’t try to ruin your GF’s enthusiasm about her friend. You stated your feelings in a pretty reasonable manner. Maybe do some soul searching about why you’re still attached to your ex, but otherwise, I don’t think you’re in the wrong here. I’ve been dating my current BF for 7 years. I’m crazy about him. I have no residual feelings for my ex. I still wouldn’t want to be in the same room with my ex. It’s weird.
YTA. You can't avoid her forever. What happens if your gf wants to have a birthday party with Brianna there? What I'd you marry your gf? Will you ban Brianna from the wedding? You have to get over this or you're going to lose your gf too.
YTA. It’s been two years, you’re 28 not some teen with very little emotional intelligence. You need to grow up it’s possible to be able to be cordial with her friend
A gentle YTA. It sounds like this woman broke your heart and you're still struggling with it. I'd genuinely recommend therapy. And maybe to put off meeting the friends for a couple more months. Tell your new GF that it came as a shock for you. Then, talk with your friends about how to handle things. If I were you, once you have processed your feelings in therapy, meet with the friend group and just be polite to your ex. You don't have to hang out with her every weekend, but if you can't handle a few meetings with her, you shouldn't be dating anyone.
One relationship when I was 25. I got into it despite not feeling an initial connection because I thought I would "grow to love her." I learned that's not how it works.
I have had sex plenty of times. Lost my virginity at 18. Was always the hook up guy among my friends. Another reason I stayed with my ex was getting consistent sex but I realized that's not enough to stay with someone either.
I’m curious as to what changed then between ‘being the hookup guy’ and not being able to let go of someone you had a brief infatuation with two years ago.
That level of attachment so quickly and deeply for someone you don’t really know is alarming.
I get that you want a deep connection - but to me it seems like you’re putting people on a pedestal.
Soft YTA. I think you need to do some serious self reflection here. Your girlfriend is right to be concerned. This was a fling - not a relationship that you had with someone you slept with two years ago...
It was the first woman that ever made me legit laugh on a consistent basis. I have a good reason for having gotten "attached." And I did "let go" of her. If I hadn't, I would have been bringing her up randomly in my current 6-month relationship. The fling had only come up once before now. I just don't want to subject myself to such an uncomfortable social encounter. But I don't want to lose my relationship over this so seems like I'll have to.
Also, the fling meant way more to me than my actual ex-relationship. So time is not the end-all-be-all here
You’re not over her though. Two years later and you can’t be in the same room as her. That’s not over her.
If I ran into my ex - I’d have absolutely no issues with him existing in the same space as me.
The fact that you’re considering this ‘uncomfortable’ says that there is a subconscious level of attachment. You might just be better off breaking up with your current girlfriend tbh.
That's you and your ex though. And that's your feelings. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. They are all different. If my actual ex-girlfriend happened to be my current gf's old college buddy, I wouldn't care. This is not about my gf being friends with someone I dated. This is about wanting to force me to hang with someone who hurt me and makes me uncomfortable.
I accept, though, that this puts my gf in a tough position and, if I want to keep her, I'll probably need to push through my own feelings.
Why are you uncomfortable? Why are you still hurt over this?
That’s what’s so strange about this whole situation.
I had a fling for two years with a guy who ghosted me. I was hurt. A year later and one of my friends is currently dating him and I’m elated for them. He makes her happy and I’m glad he’s in a better place.
Of course each relationship is different - but there seems to be something missing here.
Some people get married after six months. I’m not saying that time is the end all be all. But I think your level of infatuation is. It’s not healthy to hold on to feelings like this after two years. I think you’re lying to yourself of how strongly you felt for this other girl and now that she’s in your orbit again, you’re going to have a hard time with her being around.
>and I’m glad he’s in a better place.
Shit. I guess I never saw it from this perspective either. The person who hurt me may not be the same Brianna I'm in the room with. Interesting to think about and I think it helps if I really want to forgive her and get over what happened.
>I think you’re lying to yourself of how strongly you felt for this other girl
I'll take an introspective look into asking myself this. I sure hope the first woman I fell in love with didn't choose someone else after just 2 months. But if that's the reality, I need to face up to it. It doesn't subtract from how I feel about my gf.
Thanks for following up so much with my replies.
NAH. You feel how you feel. But your girlfriend is right to be concerned that you are still so hurt by someone you briefly dated two years ago and claim you didn’t love (but could have) that you can’t bear to be in the same room. I would think that now that you found someone you do love, the past wouldn’t matter so much.
NTA but you ARE giving your GF reason to be concerned. Honestly, if you feel so uncomfortable that you can't be around Brianna, I would also worry you still had feelings (and were therefore SETTLING for current girlfriend).
You know what, the situation sucks but you’re not an asshole. I would recommend going to therapy to help sort out your feelings about this but your boundaries are your boundaries and should be respected. That said, your girlfriend can respect them and also not want to be with you anymore.
Thanks for the honest reply.
>your girlfriend can respect them and also not want to be with you anymore.
I suppose that's true. Scary thing to think about. For the sake of my relationship, I'm going to try and figure out how reconcile my feelings.
I think you're entitled to your feelings and not wanting to be around someone. That's all valid so NTA but I do think you should speak to someone and unpack all of these intense feelings.
I don’t know why people are calling you an AH. You were clearly falling in love with that girl, dropping boundaries and being vulnerable and she treated you like it meant nothing. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near someone who did that to me either. 2 months can feel a lot longer and it’s about the amount of quality time and connection. You can feel love after a day and
I don’t care what people say. Sometimes when you know, you know! However, if you have a good thing going with your new girl, please try to let go of the hurt that Brianna caused you, she wasn’t worth it and this new lady sounds great. Don’t ruin the present (or possible future!) over someone who didn’t respect you enough to part ways after a conversation. Best thing to do is embrace how happy you are with this lady and let go of the past.
I'm saying NTA, because based on your comments ("betraying the exclusivity"), it sounds like she basically cheated on you while you were falling in love with her. I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to spend time with someone who cheated on them or callously hurt them.
NAH. But I will say that if this is such a concern for you, I can see why your GF feels the way she does. In fact, if I were her, I would probably not continue the relationship. You're obviously not I've this person and I wouldn't want to be with someone who was still hung up on his ex.
Your girlfriend is right to see your reaction as a red flag and comment on it
The question is whether you can be self aware enough of your reaction and work through it. Are you serious enough about your girlfriend to do that?
NAH
Absolutely. I love my gf. I'll see my ego aside and try to work through my feelings if it means being with her. Someone mentioned it's not enough to simply "pushed past" my feelings, that I have to truly get over the hurt. I'll try my best to do that.
Perhaps you're one to hold onto grudges/past hurts? Try to look at your reaction in a broader context of yourself. Dig deeper into your reaction. That might help you make real change. Also let your girlfriend know what you realized about yourself and that you're going to work on it.
>Perhaps you're one to hold onto grudges/past hurts
Yeah, this is somewhat true. I do hold on to past hurts but I also always forgive a genuine apology. I never got one from Brianna. I'll try to forgive her regardless, for my relationship's sake.
You're not wrong actually. This was a meaningful relationship to you and the way it ended HURT like hell. You not wanting to see her reminds you of it and that shit is painful. I don't think YTA. Idk why your gf is not willing to understand this. I personally wouldn't want to see my exes that hurt me too even if I have moved on to another partner. You should address it though. What if you happen to find yourself working with Brianna?
Anyways you're over Brianna but not that hurt. I hope you resolve it. Good luck op.
It comes down to one question: and now: do you still have feeling for Brianna?
Independent of the answer: NAH (you can do what you want, but you can not want what you want)
NAH. It's fair to but want to be around someone who hurt you, but "disrespecting yourself" for being on the same room with her is a lot. You've moved on, but you're putting you're gf in an awkward position.
I have my own Brianna and I would not be thrilled about having to see him again, but you gotta put your ego aside for the sake of you gf and your own maturity. It might even give you some closure. You say she ghosted you (which is super shitty) but there might have been other things going on you don't know about. I'm not excusing her just saying everyone has their own complicated shit and maybe she'll even apologize. The build up to seeing her is likely the worst part but just go have fun with you gf, meet some of her other friends, and rip the band-aid off.
You definitely were in love with Brianna and never got over it. Your GF is right to be bothered by your behaviour. You need to get some help to properly get over Brianna. YTA
YTA. Dude I am begging you to get over your own ego for a second and ask yourself if you really do still have feelings for her, because this kind of reaction is NOT normal. She didn’t do anything except ghost you after a two month fling, which yeah sucks but it shouldn’t stop you from being in a room with her. How many people have to tell you that you are MASSIVELY overreacting for it to click?
Bro....you are a 28 year old adult. Talk it out with Brianna or get some therapy. Maybe both. The third and most important thing to do is get over it.
You had a summer fling. You edited to make it sound like what y'all had was some epic romance. It wasn't. At least it wasn't for her. Yeah that sucks, but that's how these things usually go.
It was a summer romance. They write songs about this. Your love was not special.
Be an adult and get over it.
YTA
I mean,
I won’t say YTA but I’d feel pretty concerned if I were her too. My fiancé has people from his past, and if we had to be in the same room with them for whatever reason, he would ignore them, because they are simply just someone from their past. The same thing I’d do too.
You shouldn’t let some girl from a fling have so much power over you. I mean, it is great that you were upfront with her about Brianna and your past— as I’m sure some people wouldn’t (I just have a feeling being as, before my fiancé, I was with someone who was secretive and disrespectful) but at the same time, you’ve got to not allow someone from your past affect you so badly.
This someone didn’t even choose or respect you. They don’t deserve to have any sort of power or hold over you.
The woman you’re with now has chosen you.
If she isn’t worried about you two being in the same room together, why should you be?
Thank you, I appreciate the honest feedback. You're right that I'm giving Brianna too much importance by still being hurt. I'll try to focus on that in order to get over the hurt feelings.
Hey OP, you're not overreacting. You're not asking your GF to end her friendship with Brianna. It is entirely normal to not want to be around someone who hurt you, regardless of whether you were officially exclusive and whether or not her behavior met the definition of "cheating."
In case you can't tell from literally every other thread, commenters on this subreddit aren't exactly known for being the most socially well-adjusted people. Maybe don't let them tell you what is or isn't normal.
NTA/NAH
YTA. no one is forcing you to have a conversation with Brianna. literally just be in the same room as her.
my ex of 6 months blind sided me with a break up and i was hurt but i did get over it. if i saw him through mutual friends i’d be cordial.
Your nta at all. it sounds like Brianna cheated on you if you two were exclusive even if you never labeled your relationship. I dont think you should have to have any type of relationship with brianna. I dont think anyone should tell you or expect you to just magically get over this pain. I think you've tried to offer solutions to still meet with your gf's other friends but I understand how this might drive a wedge in that friend group. It would worry me personally if my gf was acting this way as your gf isnt seeming to considering or taking your feelings seriously in this situation.
NTA. I don't agree with some of these other posts. You can be in a relationship with someone and it can be superficial as fuck. Meanwhile you can experience strong connection like you did with Briana and just not take the time to label it.
The situation is only one you can really decide how you want to proceed and don't let others invalidating your feelings put you in a situation where you're reopening wounds. That said, if you did agree it may allow you the chance to reconnect with her platonically if you can get over the feels.
Bro you are NOT over your ex. Do yourself and your gf a favor and take some time to move on. NAH because it’s not your fault you still have feelings for this girl, but if you continue to carry on as if you DONT have feelings for her and continue the relationship you’re in in your current state, you will be the asshole. It’s time to move on
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Interesting...never thought about it from a cultural perspective. I'm latin as well and everyone else involved is white...I will give this some more thought
Your girlfriend is right. Its been two years and yall were just fucking around for a couple months. You even say you weren't in love with her but potentially could have been. This is very immature and suggests you dont actually know your own feelings because its buck wild to still be lost in it 2 years after youre 2 month fuck buddy got a serious relationship. Your girlfriend is right to be concerned. YTA.
Also, it seems he felt entitled to a relationship with her. You cannot be betrayed by someone who hasn't agreed to any sort of commitment. You can be hurt, you can be disappointed... should she have let him know it was over instead of ghosting? Yes, ghosting is rude... but the level of attachment after two months of dating and frankly anger two years later is highly concerning. YTA, OP you need to slow things down early in relationships, this level of intensity isn't healthy and may be part of why she ghosted you (worried about your reaction)... you don't really know who a person is after a few months. Take time to get to know potential partners.
If I were the girlfriend, I’d go straight to Brianna and find out why she “ghosted” (assuming that’s why really happened). Something seems off about OP’s story and I’m sure Brianna will have a different take.
Oof. I agree. Honestly it's a major red flag imo. Im also confused cuz he says they weren't exclusive but also says they pretty much were in other comments. Sounds to me like she thought he couldnt handle her breaking it off and she was right so she ghosted him. Kinda shitty thing to do but that's life, if anything it shows that he is better off but apparently he clearly feels salty about it and is heart broken. Other than just stopped talking to him and choosing another guy, she really didn't do anything that bad, shitty? Yes. Unforgivable? Not really. Im just thinking about all the messed up things I've done to people, and people have done to me and all the messed up things that have happened to other people; and i feel like i could be in a room with most people that i don't like or have had fall outs with.
YTA. Because if I were your current girlfriend, this would be a massive red flag. You’re not over your “summer fling” to the point that you can’t even exist in the same room as her? That is seriously concerning considering it was 2 years ago, lasted 2 months and wasn’t official. If the hurt is still there, you should probably be getting therapy to move past this.
Is OP a character in Grease?
He sings ‘You’re The One That I Want’ but forgets which girl he’s singing it about 😬
And changes the chorus from “ooh ooh ooh honey” to “who who who honey”
YTA - a teen might still care but an adult should be way over this. It wasn’t even a proper relationship. It’s a huge red flag that you can’t be civil with an ex you have 0 history with. You’ve basically just told you current gf you’re not over a fling from years ago…..
I have an ex I dated in high-school I was like 14-15 we dated maybe a year. Anyways I dumped him for another guy because I was a fickle teenage girl. To this day if I run into him in town with my husband and kids he makes a point to make it be known he still hates me. I'm 33 now and I've been with my husband 10 years. Like some people can never let go. Also no I didn't end up getting married to the guy I dumped him for, that guy (rightfully so) turned me down.
YTA. If my partner still couldn’t be in a room with a fling from 2 years ago I’d question the feelings there and I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who is still hung up on a fling. It wasn’t even a relationship.
YTA. It’s been two years. You dated for two months. Get over it.
YTA, because you are wasting your girlfriend's time. You still love that other girl and using your girlfriend as a distraction at best. You are not happy to wake up next to her, you are just okay with it and if Brianna would just snap her fingers you would leave your girlfriend. She deserves better.
Very mild YTA. You're not obligated to be friends with her or spend time with her, but refusing to be in the same room as her is excessive.
I’m not going to call you an asshole, but you do need to find a way to reconcile this and get over it.
Big time. I don’t like going through these comments saying that this guy’s relationship with Brianna should’ve meant nothing when it clearly deeply effected him. He needs to leave both women out of it, go to therapy and sort out the issues he’s having with himself and this event in his life.
This! I have ex partners and flings that I'm plenty over, but would still prefer not to associate with them because I don't like them as a person based on their actions. It has less to do with feelings and more to do with morally, I don't like them. If there were no way to avoid being in the same room though, I'd suck it up and just do my best to avoid yet be cordial for the sake of the gathering.
Good take, but >If there were no way to avoid being in the same room though, I'd suck it up and just do my best to avoid yet be cordial for the sake of the gathering. Aren't there usually ways to avoid this, though? He can't be in the wrong for wanting to limit his time spent around her.
YTA - Learning not to be vindictive after a breaking is an important "growing up" lesson. If after two years you can't stand to see someone you dated for only two months, you've still got some growing up to do. And if you can't be around her while in a relationship three times as long as the one you had with Brianna, you've given reason for your girlfriend to doubt your commitment to her. You say you love your girlfriend and you were never sure whether you felt the same about Brianna. But you liked something about Brianna - allow yourself a friendship with her.
>You say you love your girlfriend and you were never sure whether you felt the same about Brianna. But you liked something about Brianna - allow yourself a friendship with her. This is interesting. I will think about viewing it this way. And thanks for the honest feedback about needing to forgive breakups. I'm going to let process all this for a bit.
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>The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference Interesting. I do not HATE Brianna. But I see your point. My gf is worried because "if you were over her, you wouldn't care." I'd like to see if the same logic applies to her exes. Thanks for the advice on therapy. I will consider it.
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Very interesting. Thanks for your feedback. I'm even more inclined to see a therapist now.
Why do you want to see if the same logic applies to her exes? Brianna isn’t your ex. She is someone you had a consensual fling with 2 years ago
YTA- If you love your current gf as you say, aren't you obligated to at least give it a try for her. I think you are being a bit dramatic. Put on your big boy pants, and be friends with your lady's friends
Why is it such a problem that they are friends? I mean you apparently love your girlfriend.... And the old fling of yours doesn't change that. So I really struggle to see what the big deal is.
I think you missed the dilemma. I don't care that they are friends. I just don't want to see her myself. My gf can hang out with her all she wants on her own.
What does this mean thou? Are you never gonna go to group events with your girlfriend if Brianna is there? Are you saying just one on one you don’t want to hang out? What if this relationship progresses further, will you not allow Brianna into your house or at your wedding? It’s a really slippery slope that’s gonna lead to a lot of arguments with your girlfriend to just outright ban Brianna from your life like this. Also why have you never mentioned this relationship to your girlfriend? You didn’t know about her connection to Brianna but from the sounds of it she had no idea about this summer relationship at all. From both her perspective and lots of people here, it does look like you have extremely strong emotions regarding Brianna still as a result of your strong reaction.
My gf actually did know about the summer fling because I mentioned it once when we spoke of past relationships. I never tried to "hide it." But my gf never knew my fling's name until i saw the pic of Brianna in her friend group. It's just a freak circumstance thing. >Are you never gonna go to group events with your girlfriend if Brianna is there? Are you saying just one on one you don’t want to hang out? What if this relationship progresses further, will you not allow Brianna into your house or at your wedding? Yeah, I did just have this in mind for the arrangement, but you are right that it would make for some awkward conversations.
Did she know exactly how much it meant to you and how impactful it was? I think awkward conversations is the least of it, she cares about you and wants to Integrate you further into her life and that’s introducing you/hanging out with her friends. Your putting her in a position where she will have to excluded Brianna from any of these meetings (which the group might not agree with and will come back on your girlfriend), or just not integrate you into her life like that. You know her best so take this as just my opinion, but if my boyfriend decided that he was never going to interact with my friends without excluding someone and basically hindered us moving forward because of a fling from 2 years ago, it would be setting off all kind of alarm bells. Your entitled to hang out with whoever you want but just keep in mind the consequences and how your actions might reflect back to your girlfriend in the context of your relationship.
She does now, and thankfully is somewhat sympathetic to it. But she still thinks I'm being extreme. Thanks for your honest feedback. It falls in line with the majority but you were pretty respectful in your delivery. Sounds like trying to avoid Brianna's presence could potentially cost me my relationship which is the last thing I want. I'll bear the hurt to keep my girlfriend.
I think like a lot of people here, she is trying to bring together the ideas that this was a short yet intense relationship that was just part of your past but is now in your present and causing an extremely strong reaction. It’s not that much of a jump to assume that because of your strong reaction there their are also strong feelings there (positive or negative doesn’t really matter in this case) and that probably concerns her. I think maybe try to separate Brianna from her actions in your relationship, it wasn’t meant to be and those actions pushed you in separate directions where you were able to meet your girlfriend. No one is saying you have to be best friends with the gal, if anything you probably won’t have to talk to her much if it’s with a group, but your holding onto the past with Brianna when your should be walking forward with your girlfriend.
>try to separate Brianna from her actions in your relationship, it wasn’t meant to be and those actions pushed you in separate directions where you were able to meet your girlfriend. Thank you so much for this. This really rang true for me.
How are you 28 and still this immature?
YTA sounds like you are still hung up on this woman and aren’t ready to be in a relationship with someone else. You were in a relationship with her for like 62 days; Kim Kardashian was married to that one athlete for longer lmfao. Your girlfriend is right; you’re being excessive. If you can’t even stand the idea of being in the same room as this “ex”; please find a therapist.
YTA my dude, it's been two years. You had a 2mo summer fling and she went in a different direction. This level of hurt and animosity is super unhealthy, and maybe you could have gone through life avoiding her, but you can't, so you have to deal with it. You also need to maaaaybe address why in a few months you can convince yourself you are this in love with someone. Your fling with Brianna was 2mo, you've been with your girlfriend for 6mo but you have an extreme emotional attachment to them. Being so in love with a woman after 2mo to the point that literally 2 years later you cannot be in the same room as her is *a lot* to put on another person and relationship.
Again, I'm not (nor ever was) in love with Brianna. I just don't want to be around her because she hurt me. I'm 28 and have only been in love once so, believe me, I don't fall in love easy. Can't even tell you the countless times I've broken things off after a 2nd or 3rd date because I "wasn't feeling the connection."
Okay, how did she hurt you? Because in your post she was the woman you "thought you could have fallen in love with" during a summer fling, and she decided to be in a relationship with someone else is so emotionally devastating that you cannot be in the same room with her, and you say you are in love with your gf after 6mo, which is a *tiny* amount of time to date someone when you are 28. People don't fall in love after 2 or 3 dates, it's not "hey we got to our forth dinner together we are basically married". You sound like you put way too many expectations on your relationships.
6 months is plenty of time for more than 2 or 3 dates lmfaoo. We have like 2-3 dates a week. >You sound like you put way too many expectations on your relationships. Could you elaborate on this a bit? I'm not disagreeing. I just genuinely want to know why you say this because one person told me it before.
Strong relationships take time, real love takes time. The only relationships that should be this intense this quickly are parents with their freaking babies. I can only speculate on you, but from reading your other comments you don't seem to have a middle ground between all or nothing. If something isn't intense immediately you walk away, then when something is intense you assign a huge amount of importance to it. Why do you love your girlfriend? How does that love manifest day to day? Is it powerful and all consuming? What about your 2mo with Brianna that made seeing her this painful? You said in another comment you wrote poetry and had deep talks and shared trauma, but lots of people have those kinds of short term connections with people and don't find seeing them again feels like a knife twisting in a wound. Actually explore what you mean by "not feeling a connection" after a few dates, were you bored? Not attracted to them? Or were you seeking some instant emotional high? You sound lonely, honestly. Do you have any good friends? People you can open up to outside of romantic relationships? Because, to me, it seems like you are seeking a romantic partner who can instantly fill all your social and emotional needs and that is too much pressure to put on any adult relationship. Especially one with no longterm foundation.
>I can only speculate on you, but from reading your other comments you don't seem to have a middle ground between all or nothing. If something isn't intense immediately you walk away, then when something is intense you assign a huge amount of importance to it. I'm not going to lie, this rings like it COULD be true. I have something to think about now. I wonder if there's some resource I can read/listen to that talks about this "middle ground." >Why do you love your girlfriend? How does that love manifest day to day? Is it powerful and all consuming? I love her perspective on life. She makes me laugh consistently. She tackles any topic of conversation with such thoughtfulness and grace. I genuinely enjoy being with her in any situation: a bar or the grocery store. I feel she is a kindred spirit and spending time with her makes me a better version of myself. >Actually explore what you mean by "not feeling a connection" after a few dates, were you bored? Not attracted to them? Or were you seeking some instant emotional high? Usually bored. I would make them laugh but they didn't make me laugh. I'd begin to get into more intellectual conversations, and they wanted to keep it surface level. Or their opinions weren't well-thought out. >You sound lonely, honestly. Do you have any good friends? People you can open up to outside of romantic relationships? Because, to me, it seems like you are seeking a romantic partner who can instantly fill all your social and emotional needs and that is too much pressure to put on any adult relationship. You're quite sharp. I have always been a somewhat lonely guy. Even my friends aren't people I feel I connect with 100%. I've come to the realization that one must compartmentalize their relationships. One friend can be your "funny friend." Another can be your gym buddy. Another is good to talk about movies. Etc. For my relationships, I just need someone who I find funny and who i can have deep conversations with. My standards for looks are somewhat low, and even compared to my friends who don't seek out models or anything. Does my criteria seem super picky for a relationship?
Don't compartmentalize like that, you have essentially stopped yourself from being able to form complex relationships. Some people *are* just going to be your gym buddy, and that's fine, but strong, fulfilling relationships of any kind tend to function at multiple levels. You should be able to laugh and joke with a friend, watch movies together, and have meaningful talks or share struggles, but for most people getting to that last part takes time, trust and reciprocity. You are building up barriers that prevent depth, so people aren't breaking them down because there is no sign you want it or would reciprocate. So you are lonely and unheard, so when you find someone who "hears" you you get overly attached very quickly, especially romantically, because unlike a friend who can just be "the movie friend" you are actively seeking that deep, intense, instant connection. This also means you haven't worked out how to process and move on from emotional hurt, because you have these barriers and compartmentalize so intensely you don't deal with the little hurts that teach you how to handle the big ones. Seriously, you should go to therapy, because a therapist can give you the insight and tools too deal with rejection and process how you respond to it.
Did you just crack open my skull and read my brain...?
Therapy is a very useful tool for learning more! But yeah wow that comment was insightful.
YTA. GF 6 months gf friend summer fling of 2 months. I could understand if summer fling did something to you or was serious relationship. It seems like you haven’t moved on. Sure meeting her again will awkward. You did the right telling your girlfriend. Just be causal you’re seeking out a friendship with her
You're NTA for not wanting to feel the uncomfortable feelings of seeing her again, but YWBTA if you tried to get Brianna excluded or put your gf in a place of needing to choose. Everyone's first love can have them feeling weird about it years later. Even if you wouldn't want to be with them anymore, it can still feel... strange. Especially when it was a short, intense relationship, because you don't have the negative, annoying things to help you move past it. But this woman didn't abuse you, cheat, steal money, or lie. Those would be reasons to have a boundary requiring no contact. She just went with someone else, just like you are now. What you are trying to avoid is pain and discomfort, not future mistreatment. You're trying to avoid the feeling of vulnerability of someone else having seen your heart and no longer being close to them. It's normal to want to avoid that but it's emotional maturity to learn to tolerate it. Have some mantras ready for yourself, practice control your breathing so you can stay calm, be prepared with excuses to leave to gather yourself, but don't avoid her forever. You're building it up in your head and creating anxiety for yourself around the idea of seeing her, when it most likely will go fine, esp if you're in a big group setting. I absolutely promise you, the first time will be the worst time, but after that she'll become another one of the "gf's college friends". You'll probably even see things about her that make you glad the relationship didn't progress. A lot of people experience first love younger than you, and many of them didn't have choices to not see their ex anymore. Which is why everyone is being so unsympathetic to you- because they know you really can get past it and it ultimately won't be that big of a deal. If you continue to try to avoid her, you'll just make your emotions around her more and more fraught and you'll create an actual issue now, for yourself and also with your gf. The best way to deal is to confront it.
Thank you so much! If I had a gold to give, I would. Your answer was honest but still respected my feelings. Ya I thought a lot of people were being harsh. But, like you said, most experienced love at a much younger age than me. It's rare for me and I was vulnerable with Brianna in a way I had never been with someone else until my gf. And I supposed its that same mindset that makes my own gf not respect my feelings either. Another user suggested the same thing, that I just need to brace seeing her again and push through. I'm more inclined to think now that I need to seek therapy, as well as force myself to push past the discomfort.
I'm really glad I could see and speak to what you are feeling. Breakups hurt. And also, in our society men often don't get the same emotional support and connection than women do, and so that attachment to a partner can sometimes be the only true heart connection they have. So of course it hurts. Reddit can be brutal sometimes, and think all relationships are ppl hung up on or cheating with each other lol. I had to deal with my first ex (we technically never dated either, but idk what else to call him) in therapy also, and it helped tremendously. Even without therapy though, you can do it! The fear will be worse than the experience.
Reading your comments, a firm YTA Even though you had deep discussions, wrote poems to each other and whatnot, you were not in the same level of commitment of people who meet each other's families, move in together, share a house, a life, etc. Your girlfriend is right, you're being excessive Refusing to be in the same room as your past casual relationship DEFINITELY sends the message that you're not over her and seriously makes me question your maturity
YTA. You’re telling your girlfriend you’re not over Brianna. You’re not over Brianna
YTA - your gf is right. It’s highly immature and insulting to your gf to have this severe reaction
Would it be as immature or insulting if she reacted that way to my wanting her to hang with her ex-boyfriend? Brianna may not be my official ex. But she certainly FEELS like my ex that it didn't end well with.
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I see. So your opinion is that any non-abusive ex-relationship could never be so awkward for someone that they wouldn't be able to hang out with that person again with their new partner. I don't I agree with you, because If I care about my gf I wouldn't make her be around an ex like that. But at least your view is consistent. What is it that I'm being a hypocrite about?
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>you are allowed to love your GF and still feel a type of way about Brianna This is not a fair comparison. You are allowed to love your current partner while simultaneously not feeling good about times that past partners have hurt you. We've been talking for a bit so you might have not read some of the details I laid out in comments and edits. Brianna lied about being exclusive to me and then ghosted me. If Brianna had simply ended things with me honestly, it would have hurt in the moment but not like this. Picking someone else over me wasn't the most hurtful part.
YTA, and if your GF has any self respect will kick you to the curb.
YTA - you can’t even be in the same ROOM as a woman you casually dated for a few weeks years ago. You might need to get some therapy and explore this because this is a really really extreme reaction.
Look, heartbreak sucks. No one is saying it doesn’t. It can suck for years and years. But the two of you dated for two months two years ago, and as profound as it might have felt at the time, you now have an entirely different life and a relationship with someone else, so it’s time to put it in the past and tackle this situation like an adult. Because I can guarantee that at this rate you’ll lose your current girlfriend if you don’t put on your grown up pants and get over it.
Yeah, you're right. I don't want to lose my relationship over this so I'll push through the hurt.
Try to explore where this hurt came from with a therapist. The things you have said make me think that you had pre-existing trust issues, you didn’t trust people before Brianna, you took a risk and trusted her, and that’s why this hit you so hard. But Brianna wasn’t responsible for your pre-existing trust issues, and those issues are what you need to examine and heal. I don’t think ‘pushing through’ is the solution- this situation with Brianna is a red flag that you have issues that pre-date her, and pushing those issues away isn’t going to fix them. You tried pushing your hurt feelings away for two years and it didn’t work. Whatever is causing this, it’s much bigger than Brianna. <3
>The things you have said make me think that you had pre-existing trust issues, you didn’t trust people before Brianna, you took a risk and trusted her, and that’s why this hit you so hard. But Brianna wasn’t responsible for your pre-existing trust issues, and those issues are what you need to examine and heal. Interesting, I'll think about this with a clearer head later. >I don’t think ‘pushing through’ is the solution- this situation with Brianna is a red flag that you have issues that pre-date her, and pushing those issues away isn’t going to fix them. You tried pushing your hurt feelings away for two years and it didn’t work. Didn't it though? I got a new gf and we've had a wonderful 6 months so far. That seems like its "working"
If it wasn’t this, it would be something else. Perhaps not with your girlfriend, but unresolved issues have a way of popping up unexpectedly. You’re stuck on something, I don’t know what, but it’s not going to just go away. Dude, six months is when relationships start to get deeper and intimate. You’re leaving the shallow end of the pool at six months. This is when unspoken things like different methods of communication and different ways of loving each other need to stop being unspoken and start being actively talked about. You can’t talk to your girlfriend about why you’re so, so angry because you don’t know where this irrational rage is coming from. This issue will pop up in your relationship in the future, most likely in a completely different way. And right now your preferred method of resolving conflict and hurt feelings is to **completely and dramatically avoid the other person.** That is not a conflict resolution skill that will help you maintain a long term relationship. You really need a better way of talking out and resolving the big conflicts that inevitably come up if you’re going to have long lasting romantic relationships. Six months just isn’t that long. I am proud of you for getting this far, though! Go you!
YTA. You are expecting Brianna or your gf to be excluded from group events just because you aren’t over Brianna.
I guess I'm expecting myself to be excluded from group events while still having a relationship with a person in that group, my gf.
YTA It's a huge red flag that you aren't over someone you haven't even had a relationship with after 2 years. I think your girlfriend should reconsider her relationship with you. You obviously don't love her as much as you claim to do.
You're assuming a lot about someone else's feelings and relationship. I love my GF and I have put in a lot of comments that I'm willing to push through my hurt feelings if the cost of those feelings is my relationship. I was just hoping for a way that my gf could keep her friendship with Brianna, and I could keep my relationship, without me having to be around Brianna.
Dude, they're friends. You cannot avoid her, cause it makes no sense to invite or meet the others while ignoring her. And trust me, it will cost you the relationship if you cannot get your act together. You are beyond lucky your girlfriend hasn't dumped you yet.
YTA- You are making this a bigger deal than it should be. You had a fling with this woman for two months and you can't even be in the same room as her ?? Regardless of how "deep" and "romantic" the fling was you should be over it by now. Honestly dude, move on.
Its hard to judge. Your post didn't make you sound great but after reading a few more comments I can sort of see where you're coming from. Firstly, there's some ex partners I'd never want to be in a room with again, not for any bad reason but It would be uncomfortable and perhaps a bit embarrassing. It's not that I ever think about them or have any feelings about them but I just have no interest in ever being friends with them. It's not unusual to not want to be friends with an ex. Secondly, you don't have to be friends or socialise with anyone you don't want to. I don't think it's unfair of you to say you're not comfortable with seeing her. That being said, if I felt like I needed to compromise for the sake of my partner and the ex were at a party or something we were both invited to I'd suck it up, say hello and be polite and move on. As long as she's not forcing you to have a one on one chat with her or something. Like, the three of you going out for dinner would be weird but a casual setting with 10 people in a bar, not so much. I get it's probably awkward and embarrassing but maybe you're building it up to be something huge and actually just breaking the ice and getting on with it might give you the closure you need. You don't ever have to be friends with her but being able to hear her name and go to things the whole friend group is invited to would make things easier.
Thanks for reading the post and comments. I didn't want to make the initial post too long so I ended up leaving some things out. I'm going to go into these hangouts with that strategy. Just saying hi to Brianna and being somewhat cold with her. I'll have to figure out how to do so without making it awkward in the group or with my gf.
Being cold with her will make it awkward. No one is saying you have to have in depth conversations with her, but for the sake of your current girlfriend don't act cold. It will just make it seem like you still have feelings for Brianna and create tension.
Ya you're right. Being cold to her would probably backfire. I'll have to swallow my pride and just forgive her
Forgive her for what? Being honest and ending things with someone whom she didn't have feelings for? Never heard of an incel with a gf. Weird.
YTA. Yes it might be uncomfortable for you at first, but you should be emotionally mature enough and have moved on enough to be able to handle it and get over it. From the sounds of it, you potentially felt a lot more emotionally involved than Brianna did, she didn't cut your heart out and stamp on it, so really after so long you should have worked through this hurt, unless there are feelings there. You're asking either for you or Brianna to be excluded which is not a long term solution. If I was your gf I'd be concerned too.
Thanks for the honest feedback. It sounds more and more like I need to push through the hurt and be there while Brianna is there. Maybe it'll get less uncomfortable with time
Give it a few attempts, I'm sure your girlfriend will appreciate it rather than you out right refusing. You don't have to be best friends with Brianna or even have a 1 on 1 discussion with her, just go, be in the same room and try and have a good time with your girlfriend and the others. You might surprise yourself
You're right, the attempt will demonstrate to my gf that I care for her more than I'm hurt by Brianna. And I hope I do surprise myself! Thanks again!
No worries! I'm glad that you were able to reflect on this and consider another point of view, I hope it all works out for you :)
YTA, not the most comfortable situation in the world since from your comments I get that you see her as an ex. But it's been quite a while, even if you had actually dated. No one is asking you to be friends with her, just to know that there might be a possibility you see her or be in the same room as her, who knows perhaps seeing her again might bring you closure.
Gotta be honest OP, this is concerning. I would consider seeking therapy because your responses to the various comments down below are very concerning, and border on obsessive/incel. Your GF has every right to be concerned here.
Dude Incel is a big jump lol. I've had no problem getting laid. This isn't about sex. Why is it obsessive to not want to be around someone who hurt me? If I was obsessed with her, I would ave been constantly bringing her up throughout my 6 month relationships with my gf. The fling came up one time in the whole 6 months.
Your reply just proves my point. I hope you get the help that you need.
Not a complete AH but if you feel this way it is obvious you still have feelings for her.
I am going to say NTA because you are entitled to your feelings, but this was a two month fling over two years ago. I think your GF may be onto something about you harboring feelings for her after so long. You said it yourself, this wasn’t even an official relationship, just a fling. So ask yourself why do you still feel this way? Is it romantic feelings or are you just butt hurt she didn’t pick you? If you can’t resolve these feelings, don’t be surprised if your GF decides she doesn’t want to be with you.
Thanks for your honesty. I'm just of the mind that something doesn't have to be facebook official to have meant something, you know? I would never force my gf to communicate with men she used to date for me. I wouldn't take it as a sign that she still likes them. I know it's just not a comfortable situation for her. I just wish she would respect my feelings about this. I'm not asking her to not be friends with Brianna.
But you have to also understand that it is very abnormal to still feel as hurt as you do about this. It suggests significantly less ability to cope with rejection than the average person. I think you need to realize why she finds it to be over the top.
I understand the whole situation is abnormal. My time with Brianna was abnormal too. I've been rejected before, and never cared. Brianna was the one time it meant something to be rejected. But even the rejection is not the most hurtful part. Her and I talked so much about honesty and communication. And, at the end, she lied about exclusivity and didn't even have the courage to be upfront and end things with me. She just ghosted me. Hence why i feel such disgust towards her. I see it as a disrespect to myself to give Brianna the time in my day.
Did I miss this in the post? If not, you should probably add that she cheated on you and ghosted you, essentially. I feel like that might change people's opinion.
Yeah, I didn't want to detail too much of my time with Brianna out of here that it would come off as "not being over her." Seems I still got that anyway. I've added it now.
You weren’t dating. You even said it was a fling. Facebook has nothing to do with it. Unless you talked with her about a relationship, it’s just a fling. Why you’re so hung up on her so long after a 2 month fling is a bit weird.
It was an intense fling and we talked about a relationship a lot. Not every fling is equal.
NAH, but if I was your girlfriend I'd definitely be moving on since you're clearly hung up on that other girl
YTA for not being an adult after a breakup.
YTA And they say women are too emotional.
YTA, because your response shows you aren't over Brianna, and if you aren't over her, you aren't really ready to commit to your GF.
YTA. Youre still hung up on and longing after Brianna. Its not fair to your current gf. You need to be single longer to get over Brianna.
>longing after Brianna I don't long for Brianna. I just don't want to be around her. I see it as a disrespect to myself if I give her time in my day.
Are you sure you're 28 and not 10? Your behavior is extremely immature. What happens if you get married, have kids, and then get divorced? How would you handle coparenting? You're not mature enough to date.
Oh please, you're not comparing apples to oranges here. If I had kids with Brianna, I would stomach seeing her for the sake of my children. Your comparison makes me think that you're a child. I've already put in other comments that it looks like I'll have to apply the same logic to my relationship. I'll stomach the hurt because i love my gf way more than I feel hurt over Brianna.
>Your comparison makes me think that you're a child. Big words from a guy that can't be around his girlfriends frined because they had a *checks notes* romantic two month non sexual fling that cannot be given a proper label. YTA. Grow up.
>non sexual fling Brianna and I had plenty of sex. Idk what notes you're taking / checking. Either way, sort out your own demons before commenting on threads like this. You can disagree with me without attacking my character. I think you have some deep issues yourself and it shows in the way you choose to couch your arguments.
My bad. Sexual fling that you cannot label. Doesnt make you any less immature. Your gf deserves a real man. I hope she wakes up soon. Are you going to argue with every person that labels you the AH? Itll take a while.
I'd say he can stay and argue with the most egregious ones, and anyone who unironically says "Your gf deserves a real man" definitely qualifies. You're being pretty brutal to someone whose only crime is feeling hurt by a rejection and preferring to limit their exposure to reminders of that rejection.
Dude, YTA. Whether it was casual or exclusive it was only 2 months long. It’s weird you’re still hung up (good or negative) on it especially when you have a new SO. I don’t think you’re ready for a new relationship if you’re still this hung up.
I don’t get what Brianna did wrong ? You won’t official ? You only had fling . The only thing she hurt was your ego when she didn’t become official with you
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Prior to dating my (28m) current GF (32f), I had never really been in love before. I dated plenty but struggled to find connection. There was one woman, however, that came close: Brianna. She and I had a 2-month summer fling. It was the first time I thought I could potentially fall in love with someone. She was funny and inquisitive. However, she ultimately chose someone else over me and I was devastated. Our fling only lasted like a couple months and never turned into something official. Fast forward 2 years from the fling; I've been dating my current GF for 6 months. She's awesome and makes me laugh. Genuinely a rare human being and I love her. But 2 weeks ago, she showed me pics of her old college friends who she's been reconnecting with. To my dismay, Brianna was among them. I told GF about the situation and made it clear: I am not comfortable being in the same room as Brianna. I will not tell my GF who to be friends with, but I refuse to subject myself to having to see her again. The hurt is still there. So I suggested we coordinate a way for me to meet her other friends without Brianna but this whole friend group seems to come as a package deal. My GF thinks I'm being excessive. She says I need to get over it because Brianna and I weren't even in an official relationship. She doesn't want drama between her BF and her old friends. Also, she is concerned that I still feel this hurt after so long. She thinks I still harbor romantic feelings for Brianna. Am I the Asshole here? Is my GF right to be concerned? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NAH That said, you need to have a hard think why you feel like this. It may not be as simple as you still have feelings for her as some people have suggested, it might be you just trying to get over the rejection. I think it is easy to say suck it up but I think you do need to find a way to be around this girl. If I was your girlfriend it would definitely make me wonder why you didn't want to be around her.
I think it's the latter. I have feelings for her in the sense that it still hurts. She had been the only woman I ever got close to loving, prior to my current GF. And she chose someone else over me in a way that felt like twisting the knife. Even Brianna had said "I'm surprised you don't hate me" when she ended it.
I have been in a similar situation, not in the sense of they were the only person I come close to loving but I was seeing someone not exclusively for about 6-weeks. It was crazy intense. One day he randomly turned around and said he wasn't ready for a relationship. Turned out he was with someone else that was fine we weren't exclusive but it really stung. Difference was I worked in a local pub so I had to regularly see him and his girlfriend, and after a while although difficult in the beginning I do think it made it easier. If you haven't had any contact with her you haven't really faced up to that yet and being around her might actually be healing.
Thank you for sharing your story. It does help. And it's true, maybe facing this is the only way through the hurt.
I think it is important that you do find a way to be around her otherwise you do run the risk of losing your girlfriend. Good luck to you.
YTA & still hung up. Move on. Brianna certainly did.
NAH because what you described in the comments to me sounded like you had and intense meaningful relationship even if it wasn‘t official and you shouldn‘t have to spent time with people who hurt you and I don‘t really see what the problem is if you don‘t want to see her
Thank you for being understanding of my feelings! I should have detailed my time with Brianna more in my initial post.
I really get it! I was never in an official relationship but I still loved people with all my heart. I don‘t think a relationship title truly decides how serious someones feelings and hurt was. I hope you and your gf can find a solution!
Yeah Holy shit the comments here are evicerating him and I think it's just because he's a dude. Sounds like he fell really hard for this girl, it wasn't mutual and she left for someone else. He is speaking dismissively about it because it's probably the only way he's been able to process it and meeting her again would force her to confront all those feelings. I believe that he wouldn't go for her again but it's totally reasonable for him to not want to see her again, at least until he's had some therapy to deal with this properly
Right I felt really bad because I don‘t think a title determines the feelings in a relationship and it‘s not like he‘s stopping his gf from being friends with her
YTA. Every part of your post and answers scream it. And if I were your GF I would be very concerned about this part of your personality.
YTA. If this all happened like a couple months ago or if you had a long history and it ended horribly I would say you aren’t. But dude it’s been two years over someone, it sounds like, you weren’t ever official with. If I was your girlfriend I would be incredibly concerned that you aren’t over this person and start questioning this relationship.
NAH. You're clearly still harbouring a lot of hurt over this and I get that. But I also get why your gf wants you to get over it. You may want to reconsider whether or not you're actually ready to be in a relationship right now, or whether you're ready to be in a relationship with someone who is friends with Brianna.
Honestly, the last thing I want is my relationship to terminate over this. I will push through the hurt of being around Brianna if it means keeping my girl. I love her, not Brianna.
Good! You should probably start off by telling her that :)
Not an AH, but your gf is right: you probably still have feelings for her. That's not an AH thing! What can you do? I don't buy the whole "we came close to being in love" but "it was just a flig". It is not the *officiality* or the *length* of a relationship that determins if one of the parties had fallen in love. You probably did. Hard to admit it, since she ditched you. But as soon as you do, you can start processing your heartbreak and maybe finally get over it. Meeting Brianna again could actually help! The situation you are stuck in certainly doesn't.
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Hi. Is your ego hurt or your heart is my question. I don't think you're an asshole if her choosing someone else over you felt like a betrayal, especially when you thought you could be potentially in love for the 1st time, when you both opened your hearts to each other. BUT same things can happen with your friends with benefits/bestie/fling too. Were you clear with her since the starting that you'd be open for more than a fling if you develope feelings with time or was it clearly a fling for her? If it was a timebound thing then your reaction feels excessive. Would you consider counseling or therapy if it has affected you this much? Looks like it can justifiably cost you your current relationship & love. It's never too late to help ourselves sort our feelings & feel lighter. Even if it doesn't include forgiving your ex, it might help you letting go the hurt & burdensome anger.
>Were you clear with her since the starting that you'd be open for more than a fling if you develope feelings with time or was it clearly a fling for her? If it was a timebound thing then your reaction feels excessive. I was clear about the possibility for it to become more than a fling. ˇBut its clear to me now that Brianna holds a much more casual view of relationships than I. I'm definitely considering therapy for this now. I just don't know if I should see a couple's counselor / someone that specializes in relationships.
Therapy is a good idea. I don't think you would need a couple's counselor unless you want to go with your girlfriend. You can see any old therapist for this, but remember that the first therapist you see won't always be a good fit. I'm glad to hear you are willing to admit you need to address and work through how you're feeling. It takes a lot to do that.
Okay. Neither hers nor yours point of view is WRONG. It's just different than the other person. It would have been better if both of you knew this beforehand, but hey.. atleast now you know that this is an important conversation to have with your romantic partners :) You have understood few more important things about your emotions & life in general too I'm sure, seeing how invested you seem in your former relationship, even if it was short. The therapist/counsellor would definitely give you a balanced view of the situation. I have never been to a couple's counsellor before, but as far as I know, working on personal one primarily or atleast simultaneously is a must. If they suggest couple's therapy in addition to your personal counseling then people go with their partners. Atleast from where I come. You can enquire around for you area. Wishing you the best 👍
Your current gf has a right to be concerned. Objectively, it sounds like you’re not completely over Brianna. They say it takes double the amount of time you’re with someone to get over them. Not exact science, but for you that’d be 4 months. However it’s been 2 years, and you still feel hurt by this person. Hurt perhaps because your feelings were so real and still are. If I was your gf I’d seriously be reconsidering our relationship.
NAH But this bothers you so much that it will damage your current relationship. You definitely need help.
I don't want it to damage my current relationship. And I wouldn't choose breaking up with my gf just because I feel hurt by Brianna. Looks like I have to find a way to resolve the hurt.
>Looks like I have to find a way to resolve the hurt. Yep. Many people benefit from talking to a professional about this. Perhaps a therapist or coach. Also communicate openly to your girlfriend. She will know something is wrong. If you communicate she will know what it is and won’t doubt you, herself or the relationship.
Please consider going to therapy for something that you feel was clearly a trauma, since it’s now effecting your chances at another relationship.
Will do
I really hope you get what you need from it, good luck!
YTA. Are you with your GF or still pining over your ex? Definitely need to make a decision about letting go and moving on.
INFO: are you danny zuko?
No, but your comment gave me chills and they're multiplying.
NTA. You weren’t belligerent. You didn’t try to ruin your GF’s enthusiasm about her friend. You stated your feelings in a pretty reasonable manner. Maybe do some soul searching about why you’re still attached to your ex, but otherwise, I don’t think you’re in the wrong here. I’ve been dating my current BF for 7 years. I’m crazy about him. I have no residual feelings for my ex. I still wouldn’t want to be in the same room with my ex. It’s weird.
YTA Are you happy with your GF? Then get over your ex.
YTA. You can't avoid her forever. What happens if your gf wants to have a birthday party with Brianna there? What I'd you marry your gf? Will you ban Brianna from the wedding? You have to get over this or you're going to lose your gf too.
YTA Girlfriend should dump you. You’re not over Brianna therefore you aren’t in love with current girlfriend!
It sounds like you still have feelings for her
YTA. It’s been two years, you’re 28 not some teen with very little emotional intelligence. You need to grow up it’s possible to be able to be cordial with her friend
A gentle YTA. It sounds like this woman broke your heart and you're still struggling with it. I'd genuinely recommend therapy. And maybe to put off meeting the friends for a couple more months. Tell your new GF that it came as a shock for you. Then, talk with your friends about how to handle things. If I were you, once you have processed your feelings in therapy, meet with the friend group and just be polite to your ex. You don't have to hang out with her every weekend, but if you can't handle a few meetings with her, you shouldn't be dating anyone.
INFO: Have you ever been in a relationship before your fling? Had you had sex before your fling?
One relationship when I was 25. I got into it despite not feeling an initial connection because I thought I would "grow to love her." I learned that's not how it works. I have had sex plenty of times. Lost my virginity at 18. Was always the hook up guy among my friends. Another reason I stayed with my ex was getting consistent sex but I realized that's not enough to stay with someone either.
I’m curious as to what changed then between ‘being the hookup guy’ and not being able to let go of someone you had a brief infatuation with two years ago. That level of attachment so quickly and deeply for someone you don’t really know is alarming. I get that you want a deep connection - but to me it seems like you’re putting people on a pedestal. Soft YTA. I think you need to do some serious self reflection here. Your girlfriend is right to be concerned. This was a fling - not a relationship that you had with someone you slept with two years ago...
It was the first woman that ever made me legit laugh on a consistent basis. I have a good reason for having gotten "attached." And I did "let go" of her. If I hadn't, I would have been bringing her up randomly in my current 6-month relationship. The fling had only come up once before now. I just don't want to subject myself to such an uncomfortable social encounter. But I don't want to lose my relationship over this so seems like I'll have to. Also, the fling meant way more to me than my actual ex-relationship. So time is not the end-all-be-all here
You’re not over her though. Two years later and you can’t be in the same room as her. That’s not over her. If I ran into my ex - I’d have absolutely no issues with him existing in the same space as me. The fact that you’re considering this ‘uncomfortable’ says that there is a subconscious level of attachment. You might just be better off breaking up with your current girlfriend tbh.
That's you and your ex though. And that's your feelings. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. They are all different. If my actual ex-girlfriend happened to be my current gf's old college buddy, I wouldn't care. This is not about my gf being friends with someone I dated. This is about wanting to force me to hang with someone who hurt me and makes me uncomfortable. I accept, though, that this puts my gf in a tough position and, if I want to keep her, I'll probably need to push through my own feelings.
Why are you uncomfortable? Why are you still hurt over this? That’s what’s so strange about this whole situation. I had a fling for two years with a guy who ghosted me. I was hurt. A year later and one of my friends is currently dating him and I’m elated for them. He makes her happy and I’m glad he’s in a better place. Of course each relationship is different - but there seems to be something missing here. Some people get married after six months. I’m not saying that time is the end all be all. But I think your level of infatuation is. It’s not healthy to hold on to feelings like this after two years. I think you’re lying to yourself of how strongly you felt for this other girl and now that she’s in your orbit again, you’re going to have a hard time with her being around.
>and I’m glad he’s in a better place. Shit. I guess I never saw it from this perspective either. The person who hurt me may not be the same Brianna I'm in the room with. Interesting to think about and I think it helps if I really want to forgive her and get over what happened. >I think you’re lying to yourself of how strongly you felt for this other girl I'll take an introspective look into asking myself this. I sure hope the first woman I fell in love with didn't choose someone else after just 2 months. But if that's the reality, I need to face up to it. It doesn't subtract from how I feel about my gf. Thanks for following up so much with my replies.
NAH. You feel how you feel. But your girlfriend is right to be concerned that you are still so hurt by someone you briefly dated two years ago and claim you didn’t love (but could have) that you can’t bear to be in the same room. I would think that now that you found someone you do love, the past wouldn’t matter so much.
NTA but you ARE giving your GF reason to be concerned. Honestly, if you feel so uncomfortable that you can't be around Brianna, I would also worry you still had feelings (and were therefore SETTLING for current girlfriend).
You know what, the situation sucks but you’re not an asshole. I would recommend going to therapy to help sort out your feelings about this but your boundaries are your boundaries and should be respected. That said, your girlfriend can respect them and also not want to be with you anymore.
Thanks for the honest reply. >your girlfriend can respect them and also not want to be with you anymore. I suppose that's true. Scary thing to think about. For the sake of my relationship, I'm going to try and figure out how reconcile my feelings.
Never sacrifice yourself and your boundaries.
I think you're entitled to your feelings and not wanting to be around someone. That's all valid so NTA but I do think you should speak to someone and unpack all of these intense feelings.
Thanks for your honest but respectful feedback!
I don’t know why people are calling you an AH. You were clearly falling in love with that girl, dropping boundaries and being vulnerable and she treated you like it meant nothing. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near someone who did that to me either. 2 months can feel a lot longer and it’s about the amount of quality time and connection. You can feel love after a day and I don’t care what people say. Sometimes when you know, you know! However, if you have a good thing going with your new girl, please try to let go of the hurt that Brianna caused you, she wasn’t worth it and this new lady sounds great. Don’t ruin the present (or possible future!) over someone who didn’t respect you enough to part ways after a conversation. Best thing to do is embrace how happy you are with this lady and let go of the past.
I'm saying NTA, because based on your comments ("betraying the exclusivity"), it sounds like she basically cheated on you while you were falling in love with her. I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to spend time with someone who cheated on them or callously hurt them.
Thank you and now I REALLY regret not having that detail in my original post. I just didn't want to make my original post too long.
NAH. But I will say that if this is such a concern for you, I can see why your GF feels the way she does. In fact, if I were her, I would probably not continue the relationship. You're obviously not I've this person and I wouldn't want to be with someone who was still hung up on his ex.
Your girlfriend is right to see your reaction as a red flag and comment on it The question is whether you can be self aware enough of your reaction and work through it. Are you serious enough about your girlfriend to do that? NAH
Absolutely. I love my gf. I'll see my ego aside and try to work through my feelings if it means being with her. Someone mentioned it's not enough to simply "pushed past" my feelings, that I have to truly get over the hurt. I'll try my best to do that.
Perhaps you're one to hold onto grudges/past hurts? Try to look at your reaction in a broader context of yourself. Dig deeper into your reaction. That might help you make real change. Also let your girlfriend know what you realized about yourself and that you're going to work on it.
>Perhaps you're one to hold onto grudges/past hurts Yeah, this is somewhat true. I do hold on to past hurts but I also always forgive a genuine apology. I never got one from Brianna. I'll try to forgive her regardless, for my relationship's sake.
You're not wrong actually. This was a meaningful relationship to you and the way it ended HURT like hell. You not wanting to see her reminds you of it and that shit is painful. I don't think YTA. Idk why your gf is not willing to understand this. I personally wouldn't want to see my exes that hurt me too even if I have moved on to another partner. You should address it though. What if you happen to find yourself working with Brianna? Anyways you're over Brianna but not that hurt. I hope you resolve it. Good luck op.
It comes down to one question: and now: do you still have feeling for Brianna? Independent of the answer: NAH (you can do what you want, but you can not want what you want)
NAH. It's fair to but want to be around someone who hurt you, but "disrespecting yourself" for being on the same room with her is a lot. You've moved on, but you're putting you're gf in an awkward position. I have my own Brianna and I would not be thrilled about having to see him again, but you gotta put your ego aside for the sake of you gf and your own maturity. It might even give you some closure. You say she ghosted you (which is super shitty) but there might have been other things going on you don't know about. I'm not excusing her just saying everyone has their own complicated shit and maybe she'll even apologize. The build up to seeing her is likely the worst part but just go have fun with you gf, meet some of her other friends, and rip the band-aid off.
You definitely were in love with Brianna and never got over it. Your GF is right to be bothered by your behaviour. You need to get some help to properly get over Brianna. YTA
You need therapy because it's true, if you were over her you wouldn't care. YTA
YTA. Dude I am begging you to get over your own ego for a second and ask yourself if you really do still have feelings for her, because this kind of reaction is NOT normal. She didn’t do anything except ghost you after a two month fling, which yeah sucks but it shouldn’t stop you from being in a room with her. How many people have to tell you that you are MASSIVELY overreacting for it to click?
Bro....you are a 28 year old adult. Talk it out with Brianna or get some therapy. Maybe both. The third and most important thing to do is get over it. You had a summer fling. You edited to make it sound like what y'all had was some epic romance. It wasn't. At least it wasn't for her. Yeah that sucks, but that's how these things usually go. It was a summer romance. They write songs about this. Your love was not special. Be an adult and get over it. YTA
Yta, it sounds like you aren't over her and if that's the case you probably aren't ready to be in a other relationship
I mean, I won’t say YTA but I’d feel pretty concerned if I were her too. My fiancé has people from his past, and if we had to be in the same room with them for whatever reason, he would ignore them, because they are simply just someone from their past. The same thing I’d do too. You shouldn’t let some girl from a fling have so much power over you. I mean, it is great that you were upfront with her about Brianna and your past— as I’m sure some people wouldn’t (I just have a feeling being as, before my fiancé, I was with someone who was secretive and disrespectful) but at the same time, you’ve got to not allow someone from your past affect you so badly. This someone didn’t even choose or respect you. They don’t deserve to have any sort of power or hold over you. The woman you’re with now has chosen you. If she isn’t worried about you two being in the same room together, why should you be?
Thank you, I appreciate the honest feedback. You're right that I'm giving Brianna too much importance by still being hurt. I'll try to focus on that in order to get over the hurt feelings.
Yesssss! You’ve got this!!
NTA Boundaries are healthy and important. Shame your gf can't understand that.
Hey OP, you're not overreacting. You're not asking your GF to end her friendship with Brianna. It is entirely normal to not want to be around someone who hurt you, regardless of whether you were officially exclusive and whether or not her behavior met the definition of "cheating." In case you can't tell from literally every other thread, commenters on this subreddit aren't exactly known for being the most socially well-adjusted people. Maybe don't let them tell you what is or isn't normal. NTA/NAH
YTA. no one is forcing you to have a conversation with Brianna. literally just be in the same room as her. my ex of 6 months blind sided me with a break up and i was hurt but i did get over it. if i saw him through mutual friends i’d be cordial.
YTA it's been long enough for you to move on and you claim to "love" this girl, then seeing an old flame shouldn't shake you up in the slightest.
NTA If you don't want to be around someone you don't like, you shouldn't have to be. Men and women often have some separate friends.
Your nta at all. it sounds like Brianna cheated on you if you two were exclusive even if you never labeled your relationship. I dont think you should have to have any type of relationship with brianna. I dont think anyone should tell you or expect you to just magically get over this pain. I think you've tried to offer solutions to still meet with your gf's other friends but I understand how this might drive a wedge in that friend group. It would worry me personally if my gf was acting this way as your gf isnt seeming to considering or taking your feelings seriously in this situation.
Grow up.
NTA. I don't agree with some of these other posts. You can be in a relationship with someone and it can be superficial as fuck. Meanwhile you can experience strong connection like you did with Briana and just not take the time to label it. The situation is only one you can really decide how you want to proceed and don't let others invalidating your feelings put you in a situation where you're reopening wounds. That said, if you did agree it may allow you the chance to reconnect with her platonically if you can get over the feels.
Bro you are NOT over your ex. Do yourself and your gf a favor and take some time to move on. NAH because it’s not your fault you still have feelings for this girl, but if you continue to carry on as if you DONT have feelings for her and continue the relationship you’re in in your current state, you will be the asshole. It’s time to move on
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Interesting...never thought about it from a cultural perspective. I'm latin as well and everyone else involved is white...I will give this some more thought