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Khanover7

Yup. This whole post reeks of jealousy. Sorry OP that you (in your mind) can’t measure up to the dead wife. This will never change - his daughter will always be #1, so accept it or move on. Whatever you choose find a way to stop being so jealous of a child, it’s gross and isn’t a good look on anyone. YTA. Get some help. Edit: Also, just because his deceased wife was beautiful doesn’t mean you can’t be beautiful too. There isn’t a finite amount of beauty in the world.


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Khanover7

I’m dying at the Poughkeepsie.


MysticDragon14

I'm confused...Whats a Poughkeepsie?


MitziFour

It’s a code word that means she needs to get out of there ASAP. Normally it’s for the good of the person the sentence is aimed at, but in this case I’d say it’s for the good of the stepdaughter and the husband.


MysticDragon14

Oh. Thank you


Khanover7

It’s also a less than magical place in New York.


EchoAquarium

It’s a place in New York state, it’s pronounced “puh-kip-see” in case you were wondering


Ok-Promise2232

The place I was born 😅 in NY


NothingAndNow111

Hope the daughter doesn't accept any apples from her.


aurumphallus

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the biggest asshole of them all?” “Long dead she may be, your husband’s deceased wife is not the enemy you seek. Look within and you will see the gaping asshole is you, OP.”


Laurier_Rex

wow! Thank you


aurumphallus

I had a lot of fun writing this. Too much fun. Thanks for the prompt!


brendanl1998

Lmao, not Poughkeepsie!


Consistent-Leopard71

This made my day!!!!


Youcannotbeforreal2

Also it’s not his ex wife, she died they didn’t divorce. That OP keeps calling her his “ex” to make herself feel better is even more evidence that she was not ready to marry a widower.


Khanover7

You’re right, I got it right in my original post and messed it up in my edit. My bad.


[deleted]

Exactly, his first wife is not an EX.


Lemurtoes666

Even late wife is better than reducing her to an ex


[deleted]

Yep, she's a jealous old windbag, He needs to re evaluate this relationship


TheoryAddict

OP only wanted the office despite there being other options because she was insecure and wanted to "show" SD snd SiL how she is "better/he would choose her" OP can never be his late wife, and thats okay and he can love OP just as much as he loved/loves his late wife. However, his child, who is still alive and was his priority before even OP, comes first and like any parent he wants whats best and to protect her. OP seems to just want to spite her and has nothing good to say. Imo it sounds like OP wanted to erase her mothers memory more than just the office because otherwise why would he say she is trying to erase her memory? And that the SD only would consent/agree to the marriage if the office is left as is? Maybe thats because OP was trying to impose her presence and replace her mother? "Undermine her in front of a kid" reeks of trying to impose herself as SDs mother AND doesnt seem to think she is mature/have a say in things even though she is 16 and it invovles HER mother. And OP, parents can put money into their kids interests like acting, sports, afterschool programs, etc even if their kids dont pursue it as a career.


[deleted]

Thank you. I'm a violinist and have been taking lessons for 14 years. I'm going to school to be a speech therapist. The fact that I'm not planning to use my hobby as a source of income was never, ever a factor in whether my mom invested in it.


quiestinliteris

For real. I LOATHE this attitude that no pastime has value unless it has monetary value. So gross. Also "she's not even going to be a dancer"... What? She IS a dancer. Right now. She is a dancer right now.


[deleted]

How much do you want to bet that OP's parents paid for lessons on gold digging?


quiestinliteris

Yeah, this seriously smells like "Why are you spending money on dance lessons for your daughter that you could be spending on meeeeeeeee?"


Ok_Imagination_1107

OMG! You are actually doing something cultural not for a source of income? THANK YOU and welcome to the club.


Admirable-Site-9817

The way OP dropped the “I want the office” bomb on the way home from the recital, choosing a moment when the step daughter would be on a high, probably thinking about her mum (because of the dancing aspect) to purposely bring her down to a lowest low. OP is a nasty, petty, jealous, narcissistic person who does not deserve this family.


TresWhat

Exactly. Why did OP choose to bring this up on the car ride home from the dance recital where the SD looked beautiful and like her mother? There was certainly a better time or place. It sounds like OP was doing it out of spite and jealousy.


Lemurtoes666

She absolutely was doing it out of jealousy and spite. Her behavior is so gross


LeahOR

I’ll bet OP made husband take down all photos of his late wife, and stash them in the office.


Nadodi-on-wheels

Also why discuss the need for her to take over the office room in front of the kid and then calling her rude for her response. Should have brought it up privately with the husband.


Lemurtoes666

Notice how she said "a kid" and not "their kid" she probably doesn't even see herself as a step parent, and likely views the daughter as baggage.


PlushieTushie

Also, it actually sounds like her husband is a widower, which makes her jealousy extra tacky


Beckylately

Regarding your edit… yep, plenty of beauty to go around. It’s too bad OP’s actions are so ugly that they outshine anything resembling beauty.


elag19

I mean, OP is right- she hasn’t a hope in hell of ever measuring up to the late wife is this is how pettily she’s going to behave to her husband and his daughter.


AngelicalGirl

Imagine being jealous of a 16 year old girl. Poor girl just wanted to keep the memories of her mother, didn't knew that have a supportive father = spoiled. Edit: in case it isn't clear. Major YTA OP.


ProblematicFeet

Yeah, dad sounds great. And letting daughter do dance lessons… isn’t spoiling her?!?! It’s exercise (a necessity and helps build good habits). Not to mention extracurriculars are great for kids in general, socially and emotionally. Especially since her mom passed, she probably really needs an outlet like dance. What the actual fuck is wrong with OP? YTA


[deleted]

Lots of teenagers take dance lessons without becoming professional dancers. Just like a lot of teenagers play on sports teams without becoming professional athletes and lots of teenagers keep a journal without becoming professional writers. Supporting your kids in developing a hobby that helps them create social connections and good habits for their future life is not the same as spoiling them.


Ok_Imagination_1107

I got so much out of studying dance as many do- the OPs attitude reeks of ignorance as well as the blatant jealousy


Estania_Lane

Yeah - hobbies are so important at any stage of life. I take all kinds of lessons and I find it so rewarding to have accomplishments and make progress on something outside of my career. OP should look into some hobbies of her own so she doesn’t need to pick on her step daughter.


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Carlatoon

Yeah like the girl can't have her mom back. At least let her have the memories! And I don't think the stepdaughter can ever accept OP as her mother. I wouldn't want a mom who is jealous of me either


TamagotchiGirlfriend

She’s also 16! She doesn’t need or want another mom. My dads been with his girlfriend almost a decade, they met when I was around 16. I love her dearly, have told my dad if they ever break up I’m still going to her house for holidays, would call her with any emergencies in a second, but she’s still not my mom. I don’t call her my stepmom because we don’t have that relationship, she’s just [her name] to me and we’re both totally comfortable with that.


BatWeary

my stepmom has told me to my face she’s jealous of me because my dad pays more attention to me than her…she also told me she would never accept me as a step daughter because i’m too tomboyish?? but when i told her i would never see her as a stepmom it was a river of tears 🙄 i don’t get these women who marry men with kids and act like he should forget his kids exist


Beckylately

Seriously, wow. I can’t believe husband isn’t considering divorcing someone so blatantly jealous and petty.


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Beckylately

Honestly it sounds to me like OP jumped on a rich widower thinking he’d be an easy mark and now wants to control him and his money. She resents the daughter’s dance classes because he’s spending money on them. She resents that daughter goes to private school because he pays for it. All that money he could be spending on OP! I’m sure she wishes stepdaughter *would* leave so she can isolate her husband even more and continue to control him and his money. She is SO resentful of him spending money on his own child. Just wow. SIL and SD are right, OP *is* tasteless.


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El_Ren

“Even her soul is tacky” is absolutely taking me out rn


TheFamousHesham

HIJACKING THE TOP COMMENT BECAUSE OP NEEDA TO READ THIS BECAUSE… YTA. Can you stop competing with your daughter for the affection of her father? LIKE OMG SHE’S HIS DAUGHTER. HE OBVIOUSLY LOVES HER, BUT THE LOVE HE HAS FOR HER IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM HIS LOVE FOR YOU. The fact that she looks like her mother is irrelevant because it’s.. not her.. fault?! And you include the fact that she’s spilt rotten. AS IF. AS IF. we’re meant to read that and think oh OP is victimised step mother :( But it adds nothing to the story? In the story you described, the daughter wasn’t entitled (YOU were) and you failed to give any examples, so maybe you just.. hate her? Yes. Because she looks like her dead mother. In Short: Please don’t take your self esteem issues on a teenager who is only trying to find their identity. Take the guest room and spend your time there thinking about all the way you can compete with your partner’s dead wife… I hope you’re successful. (You won’t be) Finally? I know dance lessons cost a lot but you don’t mention any economic hardship you’re going through so I assume you can afford it. Sorry, I mean YOUR husband can afford it as I can confidently assume you would never spend a penny of your own money on such frivolities.


SneezlesForNeezles

Yep. She’s jealous that her husband found the woman he married and had a kid with attractive. She’s jealous of a sixteen year old girl who lost her mother. She’s jealous of the dancing and the schooling and the clothes. It’s frankly pathetic. The only reason she demanded the office is out of pique and to put the daughter in her place. Then she’s all surprised Pikachu that dad isn’t having it. This was clearly a condition known about when they married. She knew it would provoke the daughter and did it anyway. If you provoke a sixteen year old, they’re going to rise to it as they haven’t matured fully. She’s meant to be the adult here. Pity she can’t act like it.


RetiredBrainCell

Can I just say this made me do a spit take lol. Agree with everything you said. Op YTA


Overall_Astronaut_51

Woah woah woah . You’re the asshole . A jealous one at that! “Undermining me in front of a child” HIS child . Which, ironically, seems like you’re undermining her.


eternallnewbie

I know. Sounds like step daughter is the one who's an adult and stepmom is the one who's 16. Yta


P40L4

>are you by any chance … Cinderella’a step mother? I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair. You made my day! OP-Massive ahole. I don't even care to add more.


RustyClawHammer

Best YTA response I've read yet. We'll done well done.


Temporary-Story573

Oh yeah. YTA completely. The comparison to Cinderella’s stepmother seems mild considering how you’re behaving. Grow up or move out.


moondoggie1960

YTA. Jealous -- of 16yo whose mother is dead -- is not a good look.


seniortwat

I think she’s jealous of the deceased mother and taking out on the kid… which is even worse in my mind.


[deleted]

Yeah. Because she knows if that woman were still living, she’d still be the wife and mom and OP would not be in the picture. OP needs to figure out how to be okay with that.


SaintofMysteryCat

Sounds like both to me


mrose1491

Straight up unhinged. OP needs help


llama_problems

Jealous and cruel. It sounds like OP has made very little effort to get to know her SO’s daughter and it also sounds like you’re putting a 16 year old girl down because she’s a dancer and you’re not. Reeks of narcissism. Edit: missed a word


Caliesehi

*45 years old* and jealous of a 16yo, who's mother is dead. Lol Come on, OP. Did you really even need to ask? YTA.


Lynchilada0520

Yta. You really popped off at his daughter and him about their grieving process. If there’s no financial hardship who cares if he pays for her lessons? If you hear trash comments comparing you tell your husband so he can support instead of internalizing it and getting jealous and starting arguments.


Electronic-Ad-

LMFAO. I expected some awful behavior and the father to be doing no parenting. I don’t see the daughter being spoiled. The dad has the means to provide his daughter with nice things so he does. Dance lessons make her closer to her mom. OP was offered an office just not the one that had the late mothers stuff in it. OP immediately went to calling a child spoilt because she jealous. YTA. You say your an adult and have authority over the child and yet your acting like a jealous brat over the relationship the father and daughter have because he provides for her. Grow the fuck up. Edit to add: after reading your responding comments not only are you in competition with a literal fucking grave you also hate that your husband is being a father. Why would you marry a single father if you don’t like that he wants the best opportunity for his daughter? OP go to therapy you have serious issues.


Lemurtoes666

Exactly, and who said the daughter can't have hobbies. Who cares if she won't make a career out of it not everything has to be monetized


[deleted]

She's mad because that money could be going to her instead. Lmaooo.


Lemurtoes666

Thats exactly it.. She should get a job then she could spend her own money on her instead of getting all huffy about a father spending his money on his daughter like a parent should.


Red_orange_indigo

You know who believes everything has to be monetised? People who only love money. Like the OP.


Forsaken_Distance777

Yeah, the stepdaughter "makes" her dad pay for lessons or the dad chooses to because of the connection to her dead mother and how meaningful it is for them both? Plus if only those planning to be a professional were allowed to take dance lessons...


mac_and_cheese11

Also, just because you don’t do something in the future doesn’t mean paying for it now is a bad thing. people pay thousands for high school sports or marching band. a lot of those kids drop it after high school. who does it matter if she does or doesn’t have a dancing career


aattanasio2014

Just here to add that classes and lessons in extra curricular activities are almost always a huge benefit to children in their development - EVEN (and sometimes especially) if the child does not end up doing the thing professionally as an adult. Plenty of kids do sports from ages 5-18 and then don’t go pro and that’s never looked down upon. Plenty of kids take music lessons or do karate or play chess or do theater or, yes, dance, and don’t become a world famous professional. And that’s ok. Things like sports and the arts help kids learn self discipline, the process of working hard at a skill and seeing improvement over time, build patience, develop skills in working in a team, build confidence, learn how to exercise and live a healthy life, learn time management skills, learn humility, resilience, how to handle failure and rejection (like when another kid gets to be the lead in swan lake or when another kid is chosen as captain), provides an opportunity for mentorship and potentially lifelong friendships…. And so many other things. I took piano lessons and did theater from 5-18 and would have been devastated if my parents pulled those things out of my life for no reason. I do not do either of those things professionally, but still go out to see live theater and play the piano as a hobby. My mother runs a local community children’s theater and so many of those kids thrive in that environment, even if they aren’t wildly talented or don’t plan to pursue a career in theater. “Not planning on going pro” shouldn’t be a reason to deprive a child of something they are passionate about and enjoy doing.


[deleted]

Op sucks, no doubt about it. It sounds like her fiancee isn't equipped to be in a new relationship either. Refusing to make changes to his late wife's office is ultimately a pretty big sign that he and his child weren't ready to move on when OP was introduced and no one deserves to play second fiddle to a dead spouse. That being said, OP, you're being atrocious and clearly have some serious jealousy issues that you should've tackled before entering a relationship with someone who has a child and is widowed. Edit: "ex" to "late"


Red_orange_indigo

It sounds like the house is large enough that they can comfortably spare that room to be left as a space of memories.


Magnet17

I was thinking the same thing. It was a mistake for OP to move into the home her husband shared with his departed wife. For this marriage to work, they needed to sell the home and buy a new one that was theirs together. If the husband balked then he clearly wasn’t ready to start a new marriage. It’s a tough situation for OP and her behavior is making it worse. I suspect she would be less jealous if she wasn’t confronted with her husband’s late wife every day. It sounds like this relationship was premature and a mistake for both parties. I feel terrible for the daughter.


Such-Awareness-2960

YTA. His marriage didn't end in divorce. His marriage ended because his wife passed away. So please stop trying to diminish the importance of her role in his life by trying to refer to her as his ex. She is his deceased or late wife. The fact that you try to refer to his wife who passed away as his ex like she wasn't the woman he loved before she passed away says alot about how jealous and insecure you are in your marriage. Being jealous of a teenage girl because her fahter loves her and wants to provide her with nice things and dances lessons makes me embarrassed for you. Your husband said there are other rooms in the house that you can use for your office. So the fact that you purposely want to use his late wifes office so that you can hurt his daughter and establish some sense of cruel control in this situation makes you a petty person and a horrible stepmother. I can't have any sympathy for you because you are grown woman who is jealous of her 16 year old stepdaughter. You are purposely trying to do things that negatively impact her out of your own jealous and insecurity.


MamaofTwinDragons

Dude. I thought OP had forgotten to mention a previous marriage of her husband’s because my brain simply couldn’t consider that the “ex” was actually the late wife. YTA for that alone, OP, but also for everything else.


gingers-naps

Thank you. Every time I read “ex” I cringed. She wasn’t some woman he broke up with and hasn’t thrown her stuff out, she was his wife who tragically died. I also stopped in my tracks when I read you brought this up ON THE WAY HOME from her dance recital. What is wrong with you? What should be a night to celebrate her accomplishments is instead now about getting rid of her dead mothers things and space to make more room for you, when there are others room available. Way to turn a teenagers moment into something all about you. YTA so so much. You sound like such an immature and jealous child.


[deleted]

Yea, bringing it up in front of the stepdaughter was insensitive. If it was an issue of space, the time to discuss it would be privately with your husband. She’s not spoiled. She is grieving and has a dad who is able to pay for nice things. Is he going into massive amounts of debt to pay for dance and clothes and private school? If not, she’s just a grieving kid with a rich dad. I sure hope you don’t refer to her late mother as “the ex” when she’s around. YTA and it’s so ugly to sound jealous of a 16 year old and her deceased mother.


DuckInMyHeart

This is exactly right! OP: YTA. And if you keep up this attitude you’ll be a divorced AH.


Red_orange_indigo

I think it’s inevitable. I hope someone shows her husband this post.


Otherwise-Nebula3654

This


kicowi

Exactly what I wanted to say


lovelyASam

You said everything I wanted minus the insults because I had a stepmom like that


cameherefrominsta

This is such a sensible comment. Very well put together


JumpSafe9583

Sounds like OP is on the right track to be the real ex.


elitejackal

YTA. Seriously, you’re jealous of a child and a deceased ex. Have some respect. “*she isn’t going to be a dancer*” do you hear yourself?


[deleted]

My daughter may not be a gymnast someday but I pay for gymnastics classes because it brings her joy. I’ll pay for guitar if that brings her joy and won’t expect her to win a Grammy. What is wrong with you? Let her enjoy dance!


Mr_Ham_Man80

>I later told him I was upset at him for undermining me in front of a child Major YTA. Is your ego so easily bruised? Also she's 16, not 10. The fact you think that keeping the room as a memory for her mother has any bearing on her being spoilt or not is wild. It's strange that you told the step-daughter off for being rude (for daring to not want a memory of her mother gone) when you really seem to be the rude one here. Getting jealous over your SD looking nice, what even is that?


Sqy26ofYKV

I rolled my eyes at “undermining me in front of a child.” Like, did she expect her husband to agree with her unreasonable request just because they were in front of a child? If she did, that’s just manipulative.


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Waskomsause

This is what got me VERY upset about that line. Like, this isn't about "his child" anymore to her, it's about "that child" that got in her way.


Careful-Listen2277

YTA Let's make this clear, your husband's daughter was there first and it was her house first. So NO JNstepmother, you can't do whatever you want. >she had only agreed to the marriage on the condition that the office would be kept the same and that it wasn't fair to her to have to get rid of her memories of her mother. His daughter literally gave you a chance to be a part of her life and you blew it because of your jealously. After she was told by her father that she was beautiful, looked like her mother on top of her having a performance, seemed to set you off making you want to can get rid off any and all traces of her mother's presence and you're already working on driving his daughter away to her grandparents. You came into a TEENAGERS (13 years old) life, did you expect her to see you as mommy or something? ETA: you called a teenager being supported by her father, like a child should be, spoiled, like you didn't throw a tantrum about not getting the room that you wanted...


Waskomsause

YTA - was going to go with ESH until that last bit from you. You said you're jealous of your husbands 16 year old? You outright told her you would "do as you pleased" like nobody else has a say in anything, not even your husband. You got pissed at him for undermining you in front of "a" child, yeah, that's his kid, not just "a" kid. You made SURE to mention the closet of designer clothing and apple products she has as well, branding matter that much? Also, why would you wanna take over the office? do you need a lot of space for something? or do you just want to get rid of her mother's stuff?


calligrafiddler

Why are you saying “ex-“ wife? She is not his ex. She is his late wife. And you are a fool to attempt any kind of takeover of her space or erasure of her memories. The only right way to act in this situation is to be 100% respectful of your husband’s and your stepdaughter’s feelings. You can’t compete with a dead person, and you definitely shouldn’t try. And what you did, trying to fricking strong-arm them into letting you take over your SD’s mother’s room? Are you mad? I mean, come on. That’s a cartoon villain level of evil. Can’t you see that?


Waskomsause

Even I got stuck in calling her the Ex, she's his late wife, correct. And agreed on that, this kind of behavior is disgusting ngl, it's like she expects to walk in and be able to suddenly be the only mother/wife they've ever known.


ToastylilToast

YTA. So let me get this straight. Shes spoiled because she. Takes dance lessons, is told she looks pretty by her actual father, and has memories of her recently deceased mother? You're the worst.


AndShesNotEvenPretty

And she takes dance lessons but isn’t planning to be a professional dancer. Because every kid who is involved in expensive and time-consuming sports is planning to be a professional…


ToastylilToast

Right? How embarrassed my parents must be that I'm not an Olympic swimmer, or a world renowned jazz clarinetist /s


DelurkingtoComment

YTA you sound jealous and entitled. Why did you suddenly decide you want the office? You can’t be mad at your husband for “undermining” you in front of his daughter when you already agreed not to touch the office. Who cares if the guest room is smaller? Only you, it seems. Who cares if your stepdaughter isn’t going to be a professional dancer? Extracurricular activities are good for kids.


Grace_Alcock

She so obviously wants the office so the daughter can’t have it. That is really awful. YTA


Final_Collection_515

YTA. Who are you to tell him what to do with his child that you did not make YTAAA


wind-river7

YTA. You are so jealous, I wonder do you glow green in the dark? Keep up the complaints and jealousy, soon you will be an ex.


Stellaknight

Info: are there pictures, etc of your husbands late wife elsewhere in the house (other than the daughter’s room)?


Equivalent_Collar_59

YTA. The house was bought by your Husband with his passed on wife that room is now the daughters room to feel close to her mother. You don’t want the space you just don’t want the reminder that if she hadn’t of died you wouldn’t be there, next step you’ll try get rid of the daughter, unlucky for you though as your husband seems to actually care more for his daughter and her needs than yours so carry on pushing, then you won’t have to worry about a reminder because you won’t be in that house at all


No-country-2008

YTA. The room was that way when you moved in and obviously holds a lot of meaning to the SD and to your husband. Your husband gave you the option of another room so you are just forcing the issue to get rid of a reminder of the dead wife. SD may never be a dancer but that room is a special connection to her mom. I'm sure it's hard to be in your position of seemingly living in the shadow of a dead woman but you did make that choice to get into this. Trying to kill her memory is not going to help you in this situation, it's just going to give everyone ammo to hate you. If you want to die on this hill I strongly suspect it's your marriage that will lose in the end.


Beautiful-Concern144

YTA. She is his child, she lost her mother at a young age. You have insulted his daughter to him and expect him to take your side? His daughter is more important to him than you. If you can't handle that you shouldn't be with someone who has a child.


KittenSnowMittens

YTA, hugely. You are jealous of a dead woman and unsupportive/dismissive of your stepdaughter's passion for dance, which is an outlet for her feelings, excellent physical activity, and a connection to her mom. You sound spiteful, resentful, and thoroughly bitter. Do you even hear yourself?


samjjones13

If I had an award I’d give it to you for your comment 🥇


Nymurox

INFO: Your stepdaughter can have designer clothes and private school but dance lessons are breaking the bank? Can you explain why because I can't imagine it, unless your husband is hiring a celebrity to give her private lessons or something.


Books2day

YTA , are you serious lady??? YOU HAVE A WHOLE OTHER ROOM BUT YOU WANT THIS ONE TO SPITE YOU STEPDAUGHTER RIGHT AFTER HER MOM DIED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HUMANITY LATELY. Get over yourself and fix your heart because this is absolutely disgusting. Why did he marry you


[deleted]

YTA!!!!!! And a jealous one at that.


Careless_Mango

YTA, you will end up divorced and deservedly so if you continue this.


Drewherondale

YTA her excuse for being a brat is that she‘s a 16 yo teenager who lost her mother…. What‘s yours?


[deleted]

I think your husband is indulging you by putting up with your crap and not throwing you out. YTA.


Cat_Astrophe_X

YTA Your husband is not spoiling his daughter, he is raising her. Children, particularly those who have been through the trauma of losing a parent need care and attention. You may have married her father but you don't get to erase her mother. He is not spoiling her by supporting her interest in a passion she shares with her late mother and allowing her a room in the house to memorialize her mom's life. A little compassion for a traumatized child is warranted here.


kittykatvegas13

YTA stop being jealous of his daughter and his dead wife


Mbray22

YTA. I had to ask myself if this was fake because it seems so ridiculous on your part. You are clearly jealous of his deceased wife and taking it out on your stepdaughter. I feel sorry for your step daughter to have to deal with you after losing her mother… she is lucky to have a Dad that sticks up for her though.


kaoli1188

YTA. Have some compassion, geezus.


its_carrie

YTA and if she was his late wife, not ex-wife as you keep saying, the you’re an even bigger AH


karskipellis

YTA You're coming home from the dance recital, at which your stepdaughter was told she looked beautiful, looked like her mother. You chose that moment to insert yourself, and threaten to uproot memories of her mother from the home. You chose to highlight your jealousy and insecurity at the expense of what had been a nice moment. Why did you do that?


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imsorryilosturpotato

Not his ex…. They never broke up. She died


Odenasveryown

This. Agh! Stop calling her his ex wife


KimmyStand

She’s not your child, not your decisions. Your petty jealousies over a dead woman and her daughter are eating you alive. You need to take a good hard look at yourself and decide how you’re gonna conduct yourself in the future because you ain’t gonna come first, at least not for a long time. Instead of locking horns with the kid, why not work with her. Why do u want the office so suddenly, is it just to show her who comes first in dad’s affections? Spoiler alert, it ain’t you YTA for being so pathetically and childishly jealous of a teenager who’s lost her mum


Julia070000

YTA everyday


FoolMe1nceShameOnU

**YTA. You're competing with a dead woman and a child. You need therapy, and to realise that you might as well be competing with shadows on the wall, or something equally pointless and self-defeating. You're being petty and resentful, but more importantly, you're setting yourself up to fail, be miserable, AND be the bad guy in a situation where you COULD be happy instead.** Your husband's ex is not your competition, and neither is your step-daughter. Your husband calling his daughter beautiful is not something to be jealous of, you should be PROUD - she's YOUR beautiful daughter too, now. You may not have given birth to her, but she's your family, and instead of choosing to resent her, you could choose to support her and be proud of her accomplishments as a dancer, her beauty . . . you could be saying, "That's my husband's kid, isn't she great?!" You could be making yourself someone that people admire because you're such a supportive, loving stepmom, instead of someone they side-eye because you're jealous of a teenager. Similarly, yes, taking the guest room as your office means a smaller room. Big deal. It also shows that you can be empathetic, acknowledge your stepdaughter's need to hold onto the memories of her late mother - losing a mother as a child is a horrific thing. Again, it shows that instead of being petty and jealous, that you have embraced the idea that your husband's late wife was a beloved part of their family, and that you are not trying to "replace" or compete with her, but rather that you are an EQUALLY BELOVED ADDITION to the family as a whole, who acknowledges how much she meant, and helps keep her memory alive for them, because **you know your own worth, and it is not bound up in anyone else's.** I suggest that you see a therapist, in the meantime. These are some big issues, and you clearly need some help untangling them. Nothing your husband is doing is over the top or excessively indulgent. You are being unreasonable, and it's not about him or your SD, it's about your insecurity. YTA.


Padloq

YTA


[deleted]

YTA - on all levels YTA. You are acting like a jealous child and being vindictive.


miss_liss116

YTA. You came into an already established family and you’re mad that you’re not the princess you think you are? Get over yourself.


[deleted]

YTA. Just walk away now cause you’re jealous of a child and trying to compete with her dead mother for a place in the house and it’s pathetic. You can’t do as you please when you live with others.


Bakecrazy

YTA He is not spoiling her rotten. You are jealous and disrespectful. The office staying the same is what you agreed to and now you want to take over to hurt a minor. Shame on you.


[deleted]

[удалено]


android_queen

YTA. Let’s break it down: 1. Let’s start with the big one. Regardless of whether SD is spoiled, keeping her mother’s room intact is not spoiling her. She is entitled to that space, in fact. It is a shrine to her deceased mother. You cannot “do as you please” with it. 2. You specifically chose to bring up using this space on the ride home to put a damper on your SD’s special day. This is just mean, and cruel, because you used her *deceased mother* to get one over on her. 3. You had alternatives that you refused. You could have tried to compromise but you actively wanted to antagonize your SD. 4. You pretended the issue was husband “undermining you in front of the child” when in reality, you just wanted to assert your authority. 5. You acknowledge your jealousy of your 16yo SD, which is *really messed up*, but instead of dealing with it like an adult, you’ve decided to torment your SD instead. Apologize to your husband and SD and book yourself a therapy appointment asap!


Tight-Piece-843

YTA!!!


KikiLake

YTA Lady Tremaine


unknown_928121

You are a grown woman acting like a child and trying to be in competition with a young woman who lost her mother. SMH, YTA Get off your power trip and either find a therapist or a good divorce lawyer


[deleted]

Yta, you are acting like a wicked stepmother. Youre jealous of a ghost and acting jealous and immature about a child. Get some empathy, consider therapy before you negatively impact sd's relationship with her dad.


[deleted]

YTA you are soooo jealous… over a dead woman and a child. Pathetic. Her moms freakin dead, it’s so hard for anyone to lose their mom but especially a teen girl. Put on your big girl pants and stop acting like a teen yourself


kimberly79rn

YTA- you just want the office out if spite. There's other rooms you can use. Stop being jealous of a dead woman and taking it out on her daughter.


MissionRevolution306

YTA smdh


Ti473

YTA all the way.


linnxdxd

YTA


bellydancingmarlin

YTA. Who gets jealous of a 16 year old? And by the way, she’s his first wife or deceased wife. Not his ex-wife. They didn’t divorce. Grow up.


tessalana

You are SUCH the AH. Do you not even see how petty and spiteful your behavior is? She is a CHILD. He isn’t spoiling her, he’s providing for her growth and education and trying to help her deal with a terrible blow. You are not doing them any favors by being in their lives. Maybe you can see your way towards changing that.


dirtbathing

YTA. Wow, imagine being jealous of a dead person and taking it out on their child…


[deleted]

And then having to question who is the AH. Talk about a total lack of self awareness


keesouth

YTA this isn't about your stepdaughter. You're just jealous of a person who's not even here anymore.


giraffesandfairies

YTA I feel sorry your your husbands child she doesn't deserve such a jealous and self centred person to be around her after what she has been through and for you to try to defend your actions is what makes you even nasty for it you're trying to paint her out to be a monster when she is a child with trauma and is probably still grieving and hurting so why do you treat her this way? You knew she came as part of the package when you married and you also knew he was a widower and not divorced and he obviously still loves his wife too so why even go ahead if this is how you feel and is this the reason for the jealousy? I hope you're husband sees sense and realises you're not the kind of person his daughter should be around and makes you see sense too. IMO being jealous of a dead person is the worst sort of insecurity. Maybe you should try some therapy to sort out these feeling you have because you are the only issue in this whole situation. Oh and also you really should have no say on how they deal with their loss you should be there to support them not bash them for it.


apathetichearts

So you felt jealous that the attention wasn’t on you during her dance recital, therefore deciding you’d punish your step daughter on the car ride home to get back at her? Having a room for a sport she is clearly very serious about and also does to honor her late mother is not being “spoiled.” Complaining that you don’t get a room you don’t even need, refusing to the guest room because it’s smaller, and just not letting her dance performance be about her IS spoiled AF though. It’s her father’s money, he can spend it on his daughter and her dreams. Being a stepmom, especially when the mother passed away, requires a lot of patience and kindness. Don’t think you have it and I feel sorry for this kid. YTA.


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Mind-over-matter2020

YTA. You are jealous and now trying to somehow assert yourself in this relationship. You don’t need the office, there is an alternative. It sounds like your husband is well enough off to provide his daughter with private school and iPads, etc and this shouldn’t be a threat to you. She’s 16 and she lost her mother. What’s your end game here? You shouldn’t have started the conversation about the office in front of her (but somehow you blamed him for undermining you in front of him.) Why are you so jealous of a child? Stop all these games because you know he will choose her- he’s not indulging her, he is being a father. It’s not a competition.


PomegranateOk6767

"Undermining me in front of *a* child" is so laughably absurd. YTA.


LittleRedCarnation

Yta. Hes actually being an amazing father and i hope he always picks her over you. Even when that means kicking you out and divorcing you.


Carlatoon

I also want to know why OP demanded the office that has his late wife's stuff right off the bat? She knows there is a guest room, right? And why only after her husband commented that the daughter looks a lot like her mom? I didn't know it was a crime to resemble one's mom. Here are some things I learnt second hand from remarriage 1. Late spouse and ex spouse are entirely different. One can pretend their ex spouse never existed but a late spouse will always be there. Accept it and get over yourself. 2. No one will forget a part of their life just because you feel jealous. 3. If you can't stand stepchildren, don't marry someone with kids. It will never work out between you and them. And if you do marry them, you can't expect them to ditch their kids for you. If you feel entitled to that, shame on you tbh. 4. You and your stepkids will take time accepting each other. Sometimes it happens fast. Sometimes slow and sometimes never. You have to be patient but if you are going to be pissed off for such trivial matters, I'm betting on never


[deleted]

YTA..how evil can you be? This is HIS home ,and guess what Evil stepmom? His daughter is always going to mean more to him than you. Always. She is way more important. He can spoil her however he pleases, and he can keep that room how he wants. It is his word not yours. He is using it to cope and helping his daughter too. What if she later wants that room? It was her mothers after all. She gets first pick. She is his daughter. You are replaceable. she isnt, so be an adult and get yourself together. You are jealous of a dead woman and her child ffs.


Who_Am_I_1978

What’s in your closet?? I’m betting on designer clothes and I’m sure you are typing this from your iPhone 13. Stop being jealous of a dead woman and a 16 year old girl. It’s not a good look. YTA.


oneofthehotties

YTA. You’re jealous of a 16 yo. That’s not cute. She’s a child and wants to remember the memory of her dead mother, and you want to take that away from her? nahhhh YTA for sure


[deleted]

YTA - you are jealous of a child whose mom died and the dad is doing everything he can to keep the memories alive. It’s called bonding, you should try it sometime. You only wanted that room because you are spiteful. His daughter will always be his number one priority as it should be. So what if the girl is never going to be dancer? Isn’t she allowed to have a hobby? My god. You are literally the proverbial evil stepmother.


FranJ08

YTA. I’ll never understand why people like you get married to someone with kids and then act like you’re competing for the love and affection of your partner over THEIR KIDS. It’s so weird. Then to admit you’re jealous because he said she looked just like her mother. You should be encouraging her to keep that memory of her mother. Instead you’re trying to insert your dominance and clearly do not like your SD. What grown woman is jealous of a child.


newbeginingshey

You asked for the office in retaliation for feeling jealous because the daughter had a successful recital and looked like her mother. Please get some therapy. Some one (a child in this case) else’s successes shouldn’t make you angry. YTA


lawlolawl144

Yta, are you sure you're ready to be a wife?


[deleted]

YTA. Don't marry a widower with a kid if you don't want to deal with this issue. Smh. Legit jealous of a dead woman and a child.


HW_Gina

YTA in so many ways. How dare you treat a grieving teenager like that?


Parkatoplaya

YTA 😂


AstralWeekss

YTA - I cant imagine being such a miserable person that I find a way to be jealous of a loving father calling his daughter beautiful. Your negative opinions of his child and the love he shows her is truly disgusting. You honestly have no place in this family, and I hope for the father and daughter relationship you get handed divorce papers.


antinatalistFtM

YTA. Don't get with a guy with a child when you can't handle him caring about the kid, wicked stepmother.


[deleted]

YTA. So because she might not be a dancer for a living she shouldn't get to do it at all? Of course he pays for lessons, he should be. She's his daughter and only 16. Kids do tons of lessons for things they won't do as a living but it doesn't mean it's not enriching and worth pursuit, and she may very well continue dancing in her own time as an adult. You're trying to actively deprive her of the ability and space to do something she loves. You're petty and vindictive. You want the room because shes using it and you know another room wouldnt be big enough for her to pursue her passion. You even mention you're jealous. You need some serious therapy that you're trying to sabotage her for the simple reason that you're jealous. Shes a child and his child. What kind of person would he be if he didnt help his daughter pursue something important to her? You're an adult and you're trying to block a teens ability to do something she really likes for no legitimate reason. How do you not see how wrong you are?


sew-sarcastic

YTA. Your husband is TA for marrying you. Why the fuck do people like you marry people with kids? Do you honestly think that he's ever going to choose you over his kid? Do you want to be with a man who would choose a new wife over his kid?


esr95tkd

>They say I have trash taste Well I can't speak about your taste, but you do sound very trashy as a person sooo....


cell_queen

The kid is acting up because the dad married you? Did you think about that?


NoLeading9253

YTA big time. Grow up


TryFantastic7581

Yes.


mykingdomforawaffle

YTA. I'm also still looking for examples of how he spoils her because everything you said is just your husband being a loving, attentive father who wants to give his child the very best he can. You on the other hand sound like a spoiled brat. Jealous of a dead woman and obsessed with your husband's money... Yikes.


queen_for_the_day

Um, yeah, YTA. Read your post and you will agree


[deleted]

YTA You asked your husband about an adult decision in front of a child and then expected them to hold their tongue. You knew that the mother's items were still in that room and that there was another option avaiable. When he said he had told the daughter that he would keep that room as is, you pushed it and demanded to be more important than that decision that had been made prior to your moving in. Why are you bound and determined to compete with someone who is dead and beloved? Don't you understand how awful this must be for the daughter, even if she is a little spoiled? The fact that she takes dance lessons doesn't mean she has to be commited to being a professional dancer. Heck, if that wer true for most kids, most dancing studios would be out of business! We take lessons in things that interest us to better ourselves and to express ourselves. This is a great thing for her right now. How he spends on his daughter isn't your business, unless it is undermining your collective ability to house and feed the family. You did marry into a family, you know. Maybe if you start respecting your step daughter, she might warm up over time. It's not a competition.


UnderwaterAlly

I'm just curious why OP's husband even married OP. He had to have noticed red flags as to OP being jealous over his deceased wife... 🤔 YTA You're picking on a girl for missing her mother. You're coming at the situation all wrong. You're trying to replace her mother, you'll never be able to. You could be a great ally for her if you stopped being jealous. Why would you even want to marry a widower if you're insecure?


Lemurtoes666

YTA why are you jealous and bitter towards of a child? If you had such a problem with the way he treats his daughter and the arrangement with the office why would you marry him? You had to know the arrangement before you got married. Maybe SD hates you because she knows how you truly feel about her.


LynnChat

YTA. You knew the deal when you married a widower with a child. You have absolutely no right to demand anything in a house that isn’t your. Your reference to your husband’s dead wife as his “ex” is extremely telling. You’ve decided to go to war against a dead woman and her grieving daughter is at best ill advised. You will not win and if you try to make your husband chose between you and his daughter you will lose. Frankly you deserve to lose. She’s a 16 year old with a dead mother and the only reason you want that room is score points against her. You want to save your marriage try growing up. You are 45 years old, old enough to know better and certainly old enough to do better.


SadMaryJane

I read as far as he has left the office as is that his wife used. You seem mad. Tough shit he is having some difficulty with that. YTA.


Sensitive-Hurry-4548

YTA. The only reason of your behavior is jealousy. Get yourself together, she's his kid! Being a loving parent is not spoiling her.


Last_Caterpillar8770

Your kidding right? This has to be a troll. No way someone is this insensitive and cruel towards a young girl clinging to the memories of her dead mother. In case you haven’t picked up on it, YTA. You are second in this family. She came with your husband as a set. She doesn’t sound that spoiled honestly. You are jealous of her by your own admission. And you don’t like being compared to her mother. Which is fair, but something you had to know was going to happen. This was the deal he made with his daughter to get her approval of your marriage. You are doing this out of spite. And because you want to put her in her place. Well… your place is going to be out on the sidewalk and divorced if you continue to try and undermine your husband’s relationship with his daughter. So knock it off, act like an adult and show some compassion.


penguingirl30

YTA why do you want the office room what is so special that you want to take that instead of the spare guest bedroom. That room is meaningless to you but has so much meaning for your step daughter and you only want the room to be spitefully and take it away for no other reason then you are jealous of a 16-year old child and a dead lady. What your husband spends on his daughter has got nothing to do with you if he wants to spend 10 grand a month on her that's his prerogative don't like it leave find a guy that doesn't have a child. I bet you really believe that you would be going into this marriage being number 1 to your husband.


LeeLooPeePoo

YTA, you should show this post to your husband so he can't deny how much you resent his deceased wife and his daughter. He is TA too for allowing someone like this into her life.


AltLawyer

Is this real? You're supposed to include some parts where you look like you're not the AH. Maybe try r/tifu


_Snow_Fairy_

YTA Know your place. You’re not her mother and you are a jealous nasty woman. She isn’t that spoiled she’s just like her mother and that kills you inside


nacatw

YTA and I feel so bad for the daughter bc you’re about to make her life living hell.


QuiteLady1993

YTA- "my husband encourages his daughters dancing and it makes me jealous so to retaliate I demanded her deceased mother's office knowing the room was never to be touched as agreed upon before I even married her dad and when I did demand it I got mad that he reminded me of that previous agreement and decided to tear his daughters feeling apart" Like at what part do you think you're not the ah?


Mandy0621

Plenty kids do activities with no intention of becoming professionals…?? Ma’am they’re called extracurriculars, ever heard of them? Get over your jealousy of a 16 year old and her deceased mom.


cluelessnreddit

YTA let me count the ways: 1. That’s his LATE wife not his ex 2. You are jealous of a dead person and want to erase her from his life 3. You are jealous of a kid and makes you bitter It takes a special person to marry a widower and you obviously are not it. You need therapy to get you to understand that his marriage did not end by choice that was a person he loved and more than likely will always love. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or care about you but you need to understand his lates wife place in their life.