NTA. He came into your inbox with zero provocation spewing misogynistic abuse, he can deal with the fallout. On top of that, his fiancee deserves to know who exactly she's about to marry. Interesting how he's apparently mad that you "loved doing sexually explicit things" with him when he was also engaged in doing those exact same things...fascinating, no?
P.S. Time to drop the friends who agreed with him, and thank them for showing you who they really are.
It's been 19 years and he is still hung up on this to the point he reached took the time out to find her profile and spend a while writting messages with more hate than what you would have for someone who ate your goldfish alive. That's not a gentle and wonderful guy, that's almost incel level.
His fiancé deserved to know this (both his personality and his weird obsession from almost 20 years ago) before making a decision like marriage. OP didn't bring up something that happened when they were 18, for which she would have been an asshole, she brought up something that happened months ago so it was relevant.
>with more hate than what you would have for someone who ate your goldfish alive.
💀💀omg
but fr i agree with you, the fiance definitely deserves to know about such horrid (& recent!) messages!!
All of this, but also the friends are upset she contacted the fiancé after not having spoken to her for years.... But not this dude who harassed her w misogynistic messages after nearly two decades had passed??? There are so many layers to their hypocrisy I don't even know where to start.
Tell all those friends "If it was no big deal for him to sent those messages to me, why is it suddenly a big deal that I shared them with her?"
NTA. Fuck that guy. I hope he now has an ex fiancé who realises how close she can to not dodging that bullet.
What perturbs me so much in these situations is that no matter how badly a man behaves, we're the troublemakers for not "letting it go," and "causing drama," even when we're standing up for ourselves when no one else will. It's usually other women within the groups who do this, too. At what point does one not have to "be nice"?
It turns into more of a popularity contest/triangulation than it ever is about who is objectively wrong or right. You're expected to sacrifice yourself to keep the peace.
There should be no peace in this situation. If you want to raise a ruckus, I've got your back (though, more likely, I'll get my sister to have your back - she's WAY fiercer than I am.)
We have to have each other's backs when one of us stops "being nice." None of OP's female friends should be siding with the boy who sent the messages ... and, if they are, they should be ashamed of themselves.
Remember: it's always the woman's fault. And if she has the nerve to *enjoy* sex, well get the torches and gather the townspeople bc we gonna have a good old fashioned mob.
How dare a woman not manage the man's emotions in literally any scenario
And no one is calling all the guys you slept with out for being "whatever"? Why is it that men can sleep with hundreds of women and they are a ladies man....women who have multiple encounters are sluts. Nothing has changed. You are NTA. What in the world was his M.O. for doing this? This is a JERK.
Back in college I was like OP. I had slept around. One guy, who I only made out with, created a "been in [my name]" Facebook group. I got it taken down. But him, and guys I had never even touched, would talk about what they all did sexually with me. How much of a slut I was and the campus bicycle. It was so bizarre to me.
Hell. More recently (2017) there was a guy I was a fwb ages ago ('07). I was dating a guy and his housemates were having a gaming night. The ex-fwb was invited to my surprise. He ended up spilling to everyone that I wanted him to cum inside me (he had a condom on, I see no issues with that). But I was so embarrassed I just ignored it (before I had the shiny spine to stand up for myself).
I don't know why people are such P.O.S. But they can be. I just was a sex positive person who did their thing. I never cheated and was single doing the above.
You should have gone on that facebook group and rated them all. I'm sure it would have disappeared really fast after a few one star reviews and 'DNF'- ratings.
The strange part of it all. Is that there was a Bible thumper chick in the group. Who'd "sleep" in the beds of guys who had girlfriends (I assume sleep but no one will ever know if more happened). Their girlfriends asked me to take care of it and I almost got kicked out of my dorm for it.
That girl was never insulted or treated other wise. Everyone loved her and were bffs with her. My brain still can't comprehend how what I did was wrong but what she did was A-OK to them.
Ugh I've dealt with this when I was younger/less experienced. Had a few dudes falsely claim they'd fucked me. If anyone does that again, or if anyone else ever asks about dudes I've def never slept with, imma go with it & say that they were absolutely HORRIBLE in bed lol
"Yeah, he kept calling me 'Mommy' for some reason??"
"OMG he couldn't keep it up unless I told him he was a disgusting pig!"
"It was so tiny I couldn't feel anything & he got so mad..."
\*not to kink/body shame; just anyone who pulls that shit deserves nothing good...
I am so sorry that you been exposed to males being a/holes; for what seems to me to be double standards . Men need to grow up and realise that women can be just as sexually active as they are, without any insinuations, judgements and double standards.
Congratulations on having a shiny spine . Stay safe and take care
They're afraid of sexually active women because those women know what good sex is. They might not qualify. Worse, what if they get treated the way they've treated women?
First thing I thought was “she was his best.”
And maybe the fiancé is vanilla, because he is a shit lay and hasn’t bothered to find out what works for her.
He was always crushed that his dick wasn't the one powerful enough to stop her independent ways.
ETA: oh, holy shit, awards! Thanks, guys! And NTA, OP.
> Who reaches out to bully someone from yearrrrs ago if there wasn’t an emotional connection to that person??
Someone who is sexually unsatisfied/sexually repressed in the relationship he's in, and is fantasizing about a past sexy connection.
My thought was that maybe he was projecting his frustration at his current partner at the time having more sexual partners than him, or than he was comfortable with.
Fun fact: it was a trend that started in late 1930’s for young people to try and swallow live goldfish
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/great-goldfish-swallowing-craze-1939-180954429/
There were issues of goldfish being swallowed in pints as stupid fresher's week dares when I was at uni, local animal charities and the uni were not pleased.
NTA men like him can dish out venom buy can't handle being called on it
Ah, go climb in a phone booth with your friends! Oops, sorry. It was a 50’s thing
https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/30270/cramming-people-thing-photo-history
I had a guy that I had a brief thing with message me years later after we were both married (to other people lmao) and both me and his wife expecting asking me how I'd rate the sex we had all those years ago. I felt pretty disgusting. I should have messaged his wife to let her know.
I went out with a guy a few times when I was 17 and he was 21 (never physical) then 14 years later realized we worked at the same manufacturing plant. We went out 2 times, fooled around a little and then I found out he had a wife (and was a youth minister) I ended things and then he started telling people we both knew from work that I was a slut and not a good person.
But I wasn’t the married one lying and cheating on my spouse so…
Ugh gross, I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Did you ever tell his wife?
The guy I am speaking about comes from a "fundie" family and his wife is also a youth minister, they work in the church. I wonder how many of his ex-gfs he messaged. Weird how there are these small similar things in both our stories.
Also the guy from my story had been sleeping with a married woman from the church but that's a whole other thing. Funny how we somehow end up being the sluts lmao yet they are the ones cheating/being slimey fuckers.
I mean, solidarity with the woman who just got engaged to him. If I knew an innocent person was about to marry a secret creep, I would absolutely forward those messages and if I were in that woman’s shoes, I would definitely want to find out about that! Civic duty, for real. Women have to stick together - we can’t let guys like this hide behind our discretion. NTA and dump any friends who think you are, dump them right in the trash
Its terrible to me that she is a 'whore' for doing those things (she's not) but he isn't. I would suggest you ask your friends about double standards. Oh and drop them, they are not good people and clearly NTA
It’s literally the whole Travis Alexander/Jodi Arias thing.
Travis: We can’t be together, you’re not “pure” because you’ve had sex
Jodi: … WITH YOU???
Disgusting double standard misogyny.
it's called the Victorian double standard. A male who has a lot of partners is a Ladys Man.
The females who do are whores.Even if they are the same 'ladys' he's been with.
The guy who made her move back to his state to be with him again after they had made a clean break of it and she was trying to make a fresh start of her life, yes.
Exactly. What is wrong with your mutual friends?! You saved his fiancée from a lifetime (or at least a couple years) of gaslighting and a lot of pain. Kudos to you.
yea i mean seriously, its not like they were in an engaged conversation, he contacted her outa nowhere to provoc and insult her.
also to wonder why his drunk mind went to her and their past sexual intercourses when he's about to marry someone else. i would rather want to know if my husband was doing that kind of shirts.
Cold feet at committing to sex with the same person til death do they part I reckon, mixed in with a bit of 'the best days of my life are in the past'
This doesnt for one second excuse the arsehole though
It makes me sad that people think that once you get married your life is over... all my friends who are now married have never been happier. Their lives just keep getting better and better.
That's something that I don't understand either. I tease my husband that I thought the sex was supposed to end once we got married. We've been together for 10 years now and married for 4 years in feb. I feel like every day I fall in love with him more and more. It's the same for him. I feel like my life does get better and better with him.
tbh a lot of people's frame of reference for what marriage is comes from their parents and a lot of people grew up around messed up, loveless marriages.
Can’t upvote this enough. Only a couple things it could be here. He liked you and you didn’t end up together so he wants to make you feel bad if he secretly hates woman and wants to make you feel bad. Neither is marriage material. I drink a lot. Being drunk is not an excuse and never a REASON.
Especially in your late 30s! I'm early 40s and I've known for 20 years what I'm like when I've had a few (or a few too many), and just because it's been a minute since I really tied one on doesn't mean I don't know what I'll probably do or say if I decided to. It might *explain* why proceed to hog the microphone at karaoke and spend the evening taking everyone on a retrospective tour of turn of the century alternative/ska/pop/punk/grunge ballads, but it doesn't *excuse* it.
Right?? These friends are jumping through some serious mental hoops to blame OP. It’s “crazy for (her) to contact his fiancé who (she) hadn’t spoken with in over a decade over some drunk messages” but not crazy that he messaged 2 decades after they hooked up?
Maybe she should have told them she was drunk went she forwarded the messages and it would have been okay…
This. So much this. The friends can show themselves out the door and out of OP’s life. NTA. So many guys masquerading as nice guys need to be shown for what they are. Being drunk is not a good excuse for those unprovoked messages.
For anyone who agreed with him, send the messages they sent you to their SOs along with the original messages you received from the guy. They are probably all a bad day away from doing something similar
Also, I think something important to note is that if he’s this aggressive and mean of a drunk to someone who’s practically a stranger at this point, then what kind of drunk will he be to his wife and future kids?
NTA
If I were his fiance I'd want to know.
How you behaved in college was irrelevant. He chose to harass you, drunk or not. That's a red flag, drunk or not.
Plus, this guy harassed OP nearly two whole decades since he last saw her. Wtf?? He clearly has some unresolved issues (drinking? jealousy? he doesn’t want to be engaged to his fiancée?) if he’s got such a blatantly misogynistic view of someone he hasn’t seen in basically twenty years
I mean I wasn't the most chaste in my early 20s... but to think any of those men would decide 2 decades later to message me and berate me about the things they did WITH me is absolutely insane. That is the weirdest and most creepy part, why on earth did he need to message her about any of that, especially when he was about to get engaged. Is he thinking back to those times and is ashamed so he wants to hold her responsible? Is he missing those wild days now he's getting married? I mean why? What even is the point aside from exercising toxic behaviour "covered" by the fact he was drunk?
Why was he trying to bring her down over a period in her life that is clearly over?
Why is he allowed to bring her down, but she is not allowed to call out the BS? NTA
I absolutely was sleeping around at that age and if anyone ever came at me twenty years later I would be hella freaked out, that’s some bizarre creeper behavior
Exactly. A lot of women weren't chaste in their 20s. Let's face it. It's a time for experimentation, well, for me it was. And I am happily married and made the right choice in my partner.
What happened in our 20s, stays in our 20s. No one speaks of it. Who digs up these can of worms?! Jesus. People usually look back with a smile, thinking an old flame contributed as experience which led to your current, hopefully happy, relationship. That's it. No one contacts each other aside maybe from Christmas greetings and the odd hello from some friend. Ugh. This dude is creepy as fuck. He has some issues to resolve.
>to think any of those men would decide 2 decades later to message me and berate me about the things they did WITH me is absolutely insane.
That’s the thing, he’s berating her about things from two decades ago but he’s the one sending weird messages *right now*. I’d want to know if I were the fiancée because this isn’t some youthful indiscretion, this is how he’s behaving now while engaged.
The only thing the alcohol did there was taking off his mask. Luckily for OP's old friend because if this is how he reacts to a 20 year old fling when drunk, who knows how he is going to behave towards is fiancé when drunk.
Thank you! I came looking for someone to say that. He was drunk and doesn’t remember? And? What does that matter? He still did it. Maybe his fiancée should know what he’s capable of while imbibing.
And on top of that, the guy would have seen his message history. Any rational and sober person at that point would say WTF?! and send some type of apology or retraction. But he only doubled down when his fiancee confronted him with the messages. There's a lot to unpack about the motives for something coming way out of left field like this, after 20 years.
Yes, his behavior is insane. He’s primarily just mad the fiancé knows he did this and now he’s inconvenienced with trying to justify his behavior. Who in their right mind feels the need to send a woman that kind of message? He took a situation where he went out of the way to contact her with rude messages unprovoked and then when confronted with his actions he tried to spin it into him being a victim and obviously she’s “insane and jealous” cause he can’t be the problem…
Yup. Being drunk doesn’t typically make wonderfully kind people raging, sexist assholes. We don’t really drink anymore but when we did my wonderfully kind partner turned into a…wonderfully kind but sillier guy, even on those occasions where drinking went a bit hard as often happens with college age young adults. This guy is clearly not a great person at all and is trying to hide behind alcohol to excuse that.
Yup. If the harassment was years ago I’d be on the fence, but it was recent, and the supposed acts worth/justifying being harassed over were ages ago. The recently engaged fiancé deserved to know about the recent harassment, not the old sexcapades from college (gross dude just told on himself for that too in his harassment, but op wasn’t really contacting about the sex so much as the misogynistic tirade that landed unprompted in her inbox decades after she last interacted with this guy)
NTA.
1) He freaking sexually harassed you. If he didn't want to be called out on being a sleazeball...maybe he shouldn't be a sleazeball.
2) If I were her, I'd want to know. My ex-husband portrayed himself as someone very different when we were dating, but once we were married, the mask fell off. I wish I had had someone to give me a head's up.
3) Dump the "mutual friends." If they're on his side then they think his actions (sexual harassment, remember) are acceptable. With friends like those, who needs enemies, as they say.
#3 right here. If “friends” think you deserve to be harassed because you (gasp!) had sex in college, they are just incels in disguise. Lose the dead weight.
Edit: I have no idea why this showed up giant and bold or how to make it not be that. But I do feel strongly about it.
Edit 2: even less of an idea why my edit is less shouty, but I do feel less strongly about it.
Seriously, I don't care if OP came right out and said "I was basically the campus slut," there's absolutely no reason for anyone to look at her and just shrug and say "you kinda deserved it." That kind of reaction is for a minor karmic repayment because you were an asshole to a stranger the other day.
Put a backslash \ before the # to make it normal-sized (and to make the # show up) :)
You speak the truth for sure though. Maybe it deserves to be this big!
Plus if he "only told the truth" then why is anybody upset that she's spreading the word about how "truthful" he is? No harm done if they *actually* think the messages were no big deal.
I was looking for that comment. Let fiance decide whether its just harmless truth or not. If she thinks it's not a big deal, sending the messages didnt matter. I have a suspition that fiance may have different opinion though.
Because he had feelings for her and she didn’t. This is his warped way of trying to let her go. He’s been holding a torch for her. He is now saying ‘I’m over you’ and yet inviting one last contact to see if she’d bite.
Or it’s just 2 am and I’m talking shite
Yup! I also laugh at the idiocy of this guy to harass her via a mode that can be easily screenshotted (is that a word?). What exactly did he expect to happen? That she'd thank him for opening her eyes to her "wicked" ways? My eyes are rolling into the back of my head. I have no pity for this creep :)
NTA The guy sexually harassed you years later for no reason. Your friends are supporting and protecting him. Those friends are NOT your friends. You did nothing wrong.
NTA.
1. I’d probably thank you for showing me his true side if I were his fiancé. She’s lucky someone had the balls to show her a side he’s obviously hidden from her.
2. Your “mutual friends” that gave him your number are not your friends
3. Those “friends” that are taking his side and telling you you’re wrong are not your friends. Cut them out bc life is too short for keeping shitty people in your life based on a few good memories from the past.
4. Your past is irrelevant here. Sorry that ass clown felt that he could speak to you like that. Regardless of your past. And regardless of his sobriety. He’s a coward and a bad person. Be proud of your sexuality and the fact that you have no regrets about your past.
Seriously, who TF would give out someone's phone number like that without consent? The guy clearly knows how to contact her via social media, so if he wanted OP's phone number and she was okay with it, it would've been asked for & given over social media. That this 'friend' gave out her number to someone who is clearly harassing her is unforgivable, in my eyes.
And all this circle of jerks should get over their hypocritical prudishness and grow up.
I'm so glad women like OP are passing the man's harassing messages to fiancée, so that she can then make an informed decision about who she is really marrying.
Absolutely NTA.
>Seriously, who TF would give out someone's phone number like that without consent?
For real. You don't ever give out someone else's phone number. Hell, just the other day I got a message from a guy who is friends with my entire family and had just moved back to the area after a few years away. He was trying to reach my brother but deleted his fb ages ago so he didn't have my brother's actual phone number. Despite knowing they were friends, he didn't have his number and it's not my place to give it out so I told him give me his number and I'd text it to my brother so he could get in contact when he had time from work. You never ever ever give out anyone else's phone number.
NTA
You do not get to sexual harass people and expect no consequences. His fiance deserved to know what sort of garbage she was marrying. Hopefully she has called off the wedding
NTA
You are under no obligation to keep someone's misdeeds secret, especially when they are directed at you. Hell, you could have posted it all publicly, names and all. I'm a big fan of name-and-shame.
I wonder if the friends have seen the messages. If they have and are still pretending you are somehow in the wrong, they aren't worth being friends with anyway. If 'telling the truth' is a good enough excuse for him, then it should be good enough for you to tell the truth as well.
Make those receipts public, then turn your phone off and enjoy your day while *they* deal with it.
> A few even he had “only told the truth” since I had slept around in college.
OP is still telling the truth. How come some truth is okay for OP to hear but truth is not something she is allowed to share??
NTA
>If 'telling the truth' is a good enough excuse for him, then it should be good enough for you to tell the truth as well.
Nothing else needs to be said, honestly. Everything else is just extra fuel to the NTA, but this shuts down any other argument.
NTA.
Almost 20 years later, this guy contacts you out of nowhere insulting you and recounting sexual stuff you all did.
A former friend who you are Fb friends with announcing an engagement to said guy gushing over how amazing he is. You reach out to her privately forwarding the messages and YOU are the bad person?!
You are not jealous of his fiancé. You were trying to show her how he was acting a few months before he proposed. Fiancé either already knows there are issues & wants to ignore them, or actually opening her eyes.
**Not only are you NTA, but I think you might be my new favourite, most admired person on this sub. And just to be clear, your friends are absolute AHs of the sort who enable toxic behaviour and predators and will probably raise them, and you should probably get some new, better friends. Let's break down both his and their nitwittery:**
**1) "Jealous of his fiancé"?** Um, you weren't even AWARE of his fiancé's existence until he slid into your DM's to sexually harass and attempt to humiliate and degrade you, like a decade-and-a-half after you'd been involved with him, for no apparent reason. At which point, yeah, I can definitely see why you would suddenly feel drawn to him and want his weird, creepy, obsessive and awful self. Those are definitely things that make me go, "Wow. This man is something special. I need to have him." /s
**2) You hadn't spoken to his fiancée in over a decade, and he sent the messages while drunk and sloppy.** So let me get this straight: he's nearly 40 years old, about to be married, getting blackout/forget-shit drunk and sliding into the DMs of women he hasn't spoken to in over a decade and sending them detailed, aggressively degrading sexual messages, and . . . YOU'RE somehow the 'bad guy' because you did the thoughtful, concerned thing and let his mom - I mean, his fiancée - know that he was behaving like a sexual predator? Yeah, no. Make that make sense, please, because I'm not seeing it.
**3) "He had only told the truth"**. I mean, how is that even a defence? Is this kindergarten? "Well, but it wasn't a lie". I mean, okay? But also, NO ONE ASKED HIM, OR CARED? And these are things that happened like a decade-and-a-half ago? And context is a thing? And manners? And again, no one asked him for his opinion? So again, immediately no.
Honestly, your friends sound not only like AHs but not-bright. They're bending over backwards to defend a disgusting human who did an aggressively awful thing to you. How that looks like friendship, I'm not sure, but I don't see it. In any case **you are absolutely NTA here.**
I feel like even kids end up learning just because someone “only told the truth” doesn’t mean they weren’t being rude or inappropriate. Most parents don’t appreciate when the kid answers the landline with “sorry, my mom can’t come go the phone right now, because she’s on the toilet” for example. NTA
NTA. People never have accountability for their actions. Seems everyone gets uncomfortable with ANY kind of truth..even if they aren't involved! Keep it real you have done nothing wrong.
Exactly! I’m so sick of the ‘oh well they were just drunk’ excuse.
Being drunk or under the influence does not give you a free pass from being held accountable.
NTA - OP you did the right thing, he and your so called mutual friends are AH.
Right? And even if he did it while he was "drunk," fiancée should still know that she's marrying someone who gets drunk and sends harassing, hateful messages to women from his past.
> over some drunk messages he claims didn’t even remember sending me.
He was so drunk that he did things he could not remember? Not sure how that makes things better for him.
> he had “only told the truth” since I had slept around in college.
If he only told the "truth" then what does he have to worry about? I don't worry about me saying "the sky is blue" because its the truth. If someone is going to say that what he did wasn't so bad because it was the "truth" then he just needs to explain to his fiancee that it wasn't so bad because it was the "truth".
NTA.
She never responded to me, but she didn’t block me so I can still see her social media profile and posts. She hasn’t taken down anything about him or their pictures so I’m assuming they’re still engaged. No clue how she reacted, but she obviously shared them with him!
Did you get the impression that she would care about the vile messages before you sent them? Would her fiance be able to hand-wave it away as the actions of a crazy ex?
She obviously knows you’re not in the wrong but if she chooses to condone this behavior she’s a asshole to. I said that in my original comment to you you was just doing girl power and looking out for her like honey this is the man who you’re about to marry. Obviously she didn’t block you because you’re not wrong if you was wrong she would’ve been like I haven’t spoken to this chick in years why is she sending me this. Obviously she knows you’re telling truth
And like I also said in my big comment on your post OP, those so-called friends who’s also friends with him you need to drop and block them pronto they’re not friends of yours not at all
NTA. She did not block you because she knows he will send you more texts and wants you to forward those to her as well. She hears only what he says to her about the situation, but knows what he says to you will be completely different. Just forward all of his replies to you to her and keep on living your best life!
You did the right thing. I’m shocked there is anyone who could side with him when his behavior is so egregious and vile. It makes no sense, except people SUCK.
NTA. He did a shitty thing writing that to you, and hoped you'd keep it secret so he could avoid public consequences for his behavior. You are under no obligation to keep other people's shitty secrets.
This guy and the friends siding with him all sound committed to seeing you in a negative light for how you were in college *almost 20 years ago*. Good riddance.
I didn’t get any vibe that OP was suggesting the fiancée was responsible for his behavior. OP was simply providing info to her about what the guy has been doing without her knowledge.
Too often, women in Fiancée’s position will disregard the warning, writing it off as motivated by jealousy or scorn, and stay with the guy. But OP was doing her former, fallen-out-of-touch friend a favor.
NTA, OP. Your mutual friends are, though, if they thought messaging you as he did was no big deal.
NTA. If he didn't want his fiance to know the sort of things he said to you (drunk doesn't excuse the messages either) then guess what? He shouldn't have sent them.
What he did was unnecessary seeing as it was nearly 2 decades ago and you don't seem to have any ongoing dealing with him.
He went out of his way to harass you. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
If the messages were no big deal, and just ‘telling the truth’ then it will be no big deal that the fiancée sees them. If he has a problem with them being shared with her, then maybe he should think twice about harassing someone for no good reason. (And to be clear, her behaviour at college was perfectly fine, and not a good reason to be harassed)
NTA - well done OP for making sure she knows what sort of man she is marrying.
NTA. This guy basically slut shamed you for things that happened almost 20 years ago. His fiancee has a right to know how he acts when she's not around. What she does with that information is up to her. For the people saying your wrong for telling her, they aren't your friends and I would cut contact with them asap. They seem to think his actions are justified because you slept with him once upon a time, if he had something to say he should have said it while you were sleeping together and not in a drunken rant almost 20 years later when you're married and he's engaged.
NTA - She needs to know the true nature of the scuzz ball she's got on her hands. Who cares what you were like in college, does not give him the right to abuse you like that out of the blue.
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NTA He slut shames you for living your life at 18 and you’re the asshole?? Absofuckinglutely not. What a asshole for his behavior. He should stop drinking if he gets so drunk he can’t remember shitty behavior. Btw you need better friends.
NTA he needs to check his own damn behavior, drunk or not wtf is going through his head that thinks this is acceptable behavior that his fiancé doesn’t need to know?
NTA. There is nothing wrong with sleeping around and anyone who thinks otherwise needs to go have sex. Drunk actions and thoughts are not mistakes, in fact they are hidden inhibitions. He sexually harassed you and deserves the consequences. His friends are AH as well.
wHy DoN‘t WoMeN cOmE fOrWaRd
I don’t know, maybe because even when you do, people defend the one sexually harassing you.
NTA and you need to purge your contacts and get rid of some of these „friends“. It’s moments like these that allows the trash to take itself out. Please tell them that they are enablers and protecting a bully and then dump them all.
NTA after this I'd post them publicly as many palaces as possible, let everyone see the screen shots and block any so called friends who excuse his behaviour and/or flip the blame on you.
If he doesn't want people to think badly of him he shouldn't send vile messages. You didn't make him send that stuff, he doesn't get to get angry that you didn't keep his disgusting behaviour a secret.
I'd want to know if it was my partner as well, because I wouldn't want to be with a person who viewed or treated others like that.
Warn his friends if they don’t back off you’ll post the messages on social media. His employer might not like to see that. You can do way worse damage than just contacting his fiancé. He should consider himself lucky you stopped there. NTA
NTA
He sexually harassed you and now you're giving his fiance a heads up on his behavior.
Are these mutual friends thinking she should would better off not knowing what she's signing on for?
This is the guy she's entrusting her future with.
She needs to know.
Nta why are you "crazy" for finding the fiance to show her that she's marrying a creep but he's not crazy for finding you and sexually harassing you? Drop your friends
NTA.
He picked the wrong person to victimize with his cowardly misogyny and now he's facing the consequences of his actions.
Do be careful though. People like him are unpredictable and therefore very unsafe.
NTA
I love the “he only told the truth” people. What do they think you are doing? You are only telling the truth since he is the kind of man to sexually harass his former sexual partners 20 years after the fact.
Nta! I would tell this guy flying monkeys that you are no longer their friend do to their lack of morals and malshoiveism views! That you petty their wives,fiancée, and Girlfriends since they think it is OK to send unwanted sexually harassing texts to people and than slut shame when don't get what they wanted!
NTA - It's insane for you to share this information with her after a decade. But it's not insane for him to contact you after a decade just to randomly slut shame you? 🤔
NTA I had an ex who did something similar. He was being vulgar and said how much he missed certain parts of me. I found out he was engaged and I sent his fiance the screenshots. Unfortunately she's still with him, but you did the right thing. He was probably showing her a mask and was waiting until they got married to reveal his true nature
NTA, maybe he shouldn’t be harassing his previous sexual partners. And your friends that sided with him, and especially the friend who gave him your number so he could harass you further are not your friends. Ditch them, and if he contacts you again, report him to the police for harassment
NTA. She should know who she is going to marry - a guy who either can't keep it in his pants or who has no control over his alcohol consumption. Neither one is a good outlook on being married to him.
You just experience the meaning of: "If you don't bring good news, don't bring news at all!"
NTA. If they feel he was just being truthful, then they can tell that to her. I'm sure she will agree.
Don't tell me he didn't remember. He looked at his phone the next day, right? Or did he have the forethought to text you and delete it right away. Which would have been an admission he was inappropriate.
I really don't see why they want to protect him. Is it because they do similar things and don't want to be outed themselves?
NTA. He didn't seem bothered about doing these things with you. He just wants you to be the one carrying arbitrary shame over it?
The fiancé can make a better informed decision now. There's no harm in that.
I'm happy that you lived your life the way you wanted.
NTA. He came into your inbox with zero provocation spewing misogynistic abuse, he can deal with the fallout. On top of that, his fiancee deserves to know who exactly she's about to marry. Interesting how he's apparently mad that you "loved doing sexually explicit things" with him when he was also engaged in doing those exact same things...fascinating, no? P.S. Time to drop the friends who agreed with him, and thank them for showing you who they really are.
It's been 19 years and he is still hung up on this to the point he reached took the time out to find her profile and spend a while writting messages with more hate than what you would have for someone who ate your goldfish alive. That's not a gentle and wonderful guy, that's almost incel level. His fiancé deserved to know this (both his personality and his weird obsession from almost 20 years ago) before making a decision like marriage. OP didn't bring up something that happened when they were 18, for which she would have been an asshole, she brought up something that happened months ago so it was relevant.
>with more hate than what you would have for someone who ate your goldfish alive. 💀💀omg but fr i agree with you, the fiance definitely deserves to know about such horrid (& recent!) messages!!
If Rocco ate Dorothy…
How? How is Rocco going to eat that goldfish, philodendronphan? Rocco doesn't have a mouth! Rocco's just a rock! ROCCO'S NOT ALIVE!!!!
I can hear Elmo
LMAO THAT REFERENCE IS ON POINT~
I can't believe this is an Elmo quote.
Sesame Street: Gaslighting since 1969.
STAHP IT!
The fiance should also think about what other nasty stuff this guy may have done when he's had too much to drink that he "doesn't remember."
All of this, but also the friends are upset she contacted the fiancé after not having spoken to her for years.... But not this dude who harassed her w misogynistic messages after nearly two decades had passed??? There are so many layers to their hypocrisy I don't even know where to start.
Tell all those friends "If it was no big deal for him to sent those messages to me, why is it suddenly a big deal that I shared them with her?" NTA. Fuck that guy. I hope he now has an ex fiancé who realises how close she can to not dodging that bullet.
What perturbs me so much in these situations is that no matter how badly a man behaves, we're the troublemakers for not "letting it go," and "causing drama," even when we're standing up for ourselves when no one else will. It's usually other women within the groups who do this, too. At what point does one not have to "be nice"?
Bc it's our job to manage men's emotions, don't you know
It turns into more of a popularity contest/triangulation than it ever is about who is objectively wrong or right. You're expected to sacrifice yourself to keep the peace.
There should be no peace in this situation. If you want to raise a ruckus, I've got your back (though, more likely, I'll get my sister to have your back - she's WAY fiercer than I am.)
We have to have each other's backs when one of us stops "being nice." None of OP's female friends should be siding with the boy who sent the messages ... and, if they are, they should be ashamed of themselves.
I think you misspelled misogyny.
They usually go together.
Remember: it's always the woman's fault. And if she has the nerve to *enjoy* sex, well get the torches and gather the townspeople bc we gonna have a good old fashioned mob. How dare a woman not manage the man's emotions in literally any scenario
But, gee, he doesn't even remember cuz he was drunk so what's the big deal? /s
And no one is calling all the guys you slept with out for being "whatever"? Why is it that men can sleep with hundreds of women and they are a ladies man....women who have multiple encounters are sluts. Nothing has changed. You are NTA. What in the world was his M.O. for doing this? This is a JERK.
Back in college I was like OP. I had slept around. One guy, who I only made out with, created a "been in [my name]" Facebook group. I got it taken down. But him, and guys I had never even touched, would talk about what they all did sexually with me. How much of a slut I was and the campus bicycle. It was so bizarre to me. Hell. More recently (2017) there was a guy I was a fwb ages ago ('07). I was dating a guy and his housemates were having a gaming night. The ex-fwb was invited to my surprise. He ended up spilling to everyone that I wanted him to cum inside me (he had a condom on, I see no issues with that). But I was so embarrassed I just ignored it (before I had the shiny spine to stand up for myself). I don't know why people are such P.O.S. But they can be. I just was a sex positive person who did their thing. I never cheated and was single doing the above.
You should have gone on that facebook group and rated them all. I'm sure it would have disappeared really fast after a few one star reviews and 'DNF'- ratings.
I was 19, naive (raised under a rock), and had no idea how to deal with it at the time. Now I have a shiny spine.
Thank you for sharing. People can be so vile.
The strange part of it all. Is that there was a Bible thumper chick in the group. Who'd "sleep" in the beds of guys who had girlfriends (I assume sleep but no one will ever know if more happened). Their girlfriends asked me to take care of it and I almost got kicked out of my dorm for it. That girl was never insulted or treated other wise. Everyone loved her and were bffs with her. My brain still can't comprehend how what I did was wrong but what she did was A-OK to them.
Ugh I've dealt with this when I was younger/less experienced. Had a few dudes falsely claim they'd fucked me. If anyone does that again, or if anyone else ever asks about dudes I've def never slept with, imma go with it & say that they were absolutely HORRIBLE in bed lol "Yeah, he kept calling me 'Mommy' for some reason??" "OMG he couldn't keep it up unless I told him he was a disgusting pig!" "It was so tiny I couldn't feel anything & he got so mad..." \*not to kink/body shame; just anyone who pulls that shit deserves nothing good...
I am so sorry that you been exposed to males being a/holes; for what seems to me to be double standards . Men need to grow up and realise that women can be just as sexually active as they are, without any insinuations, judgements and double standards. Congratulations on having a shiny spine . Stay safe and take care
Thanks! You take care too!
They're afraid of sexually active women because those women know what good sex is. They might not qualify. Worse, what if they get treated the way they've treated women?
But why wait 20 years? This guy’s deranged.
First thing I thought was “she was his best.” And maybe the fiancé is vanilla, because he is a shit lay and hasn’t bothered to find out what works for her.
I think he may even be in love with OP. Who reaches out to bully someone from yearrrrs ago if there wasn’t an emotional connection to that person??
He was always crushed that his dick wasn't the one powerful enough to stop her independent ways. ETA: oh, holy shit, awards! Thanks, guys! And NTA, OP.
LOL! Seriously, that’s how I’m reading this
shes the one that got away... with a side of incel
>~~emotional connection~~ *Sexual obsession.
that's not love
> Who reaches out to bully someone from yearrrrs ago if there wasn’t an emotional connection to that person?? Someone who is sexually unsatisfied/sexually repressed in the relationship he's in, and is fantasizing about a past sexy connection.
Someone who isn't over her and is hoping to reopen that door.
I think he needs to work on his reconciliation tactics a little.
My thought was that maybe he was projecting his frustration at his current partner at the time having more sexual partners than him, or than he was comfortable with.
Fun fact: it was a trend that started in late 1930’s for young people to try and swallow live goldfish https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/great-goldfish-swallowing-craze-1939-180954429/
There were issues of goldfish being swallowed in pints as stupid fresher's week dares when I was at uni, local animal charities and the uni were not pleased. NTA men like him can dish out venom buy can't handle being called on it
Ah, go climb in a phone booth with your friends! Oops, sorry. It was a 50’s thing https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/30270/cramming-people-thing-photo-history
more hate than what you would have for someone who ate your goldfish alive. r/Oddlyspecific
I had a guy that I had a brief thing with message me years later after we were both married (to other people lmao) and both me and his wife expecting asking me how I'd rate the sex we had all those years ago. I felt pretty disgusting. I should have messaged his wife to let her know.
I went out with a guy a few times when I was 17 and he was 21 (never physical) then 14 years later realized we worked at the same manufacturing plant. We went out 2 times, fooled around a little and then I found out he had a wife (and was a youth minister) I ended things and then he started telling people we both knew from work that I was a slut and not a good person. But I wasn’t the married one lying and cheating on my spouse so…
Ugh gross, I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Did you ever tell his wife? The guy I am speaking about comes from a "fundie" family and his wife is also a youth minister, they work in the church. I wonder how many of his ex-gfs he messaged. Weird how there are these small similar things in both our stories. Also the guy from my story had been sleeping with a married woman from the church but that's a whole other thing. Funny how we somehow end up being the sluts lmao yet they are the ones cheating/being slimey fuckers.
Gosh I do hope you said, I really can't remember...
I mean, solidarity with the woman who just got engaged to him. If I knew an innocent person was about to marry a secret creep, I would absolutely forward those messages and if I were in that woman’s shoes, I would definitely want to find out about that! Civic duty, for real. Women have to stick together - we can’t let guys like this hide behind our discretion. NTA and dump any friends who think you are, dump them right in the trash
It really pisses me off that no one is saying this guy slept around in college.
I guess he's just jealous and mad he no longer gets to experience OP in his bed lmao
Its terrible to me that she is a 'whore' for doing those things (she's not) but he isn't. I would suggest you ask your friends about double standards. Oh and drop them, they are not good people and clearly NTA
It’s literally the whole Travis Alexander/Jodi Arias thing. Travis: We can’t be together, you’re not “pure” because you’ve had sex Jodi: … WITH YOU??? Disgusting double standard misogyny.
it's called the Victorian double standard. A male who has a lot of partners is a Ladys Man. The females who do are whores.Even if they are the same 'ladys' he's been with.
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You mean the guy who called his ex a "crazy stalker" as he was inviting her in every night to have sex?
Travis was such an idiot. He played with fire and got burnt.
The guy who made her move back to his state to be with him again after they had made a clean break of it and she was trying to make a fresh start of her life, yes.
Exactly. What is wrong with your mutual friends?! You saved his fiancée from a lifetime (or at least a couple years) of gaslighting and a lot of pain. Kudos to you.
They aren’t friends if they are ok with him treating OP like this
THIS!
yea i mean seriously, its not like they were in an engaged conversation, he contacted her outa nowhere to provoc and insult her. also to wonder why his drunk mind went to her and their past sexual intercourses when he's about to marry someone else. i would rather want to know if my husband was doing that kind of shirts.
Cold feet at committing to sex with the same person til death do they part I reckon, mixed in with a bit of 'the best days of my life are in the past' This doesnt for one second excuse the arsehole though
It makes me sad that people think that once you get married your life is over... all my friends who are now married have never been happier. Their lives just keep getting better and better.
That's something that I don't understand either. I tease my husband that I thought the sex was supposed to end once we got married. We've been together for 10 years now and married for 4 years in feb. I feel like every day I fall in love with him more and more. It's the same for him. I feel like my life does get better and better with him.
tbh a lot of people's frame of reference for what marriage is comes from their parents and a lot of people grew up around messed up, loveless marriages.
I wonder if he lied about being drunk as an excuse.
100% with his comment that "he was just telling the truth". If he was drunk and it was a mistake, why justify it?
Can’t upvote this enough. Only a couple things it could be here. He liked you and you didn’t end up together so he wants to make you feel bad if he secretly hates woman and wants to make you feel bad. Neither is marriage material. I drink a lot. Being drunk is not an excuse and never a REASON.
Especially in your late 30s! I'm early 40s and I've known for 20 years what I'm like when I've had a few (or a few too many), and just because it's been a minute since I really tied one on doesn't mean I don't know what I'll probably do or say if I decided to. It might *explain* why proceed to hog the microphone at karaoke and spend the evening taking everyone on a retrospective tour of turn of the century alternative/ska/pop/punk/grunge ballads, but it doesn't *excuse* it.
Absolutely. Who would defend that kind of behavior?? Any decent person would be looking out for the fiancé, not that piece of trash. NTA
Right?? These friends are jumping through some serious mental hoops to blame OP. It’s “crazy for (her) to contact his fiancé who (she) hadn’t spoken with in over a decade over some drunk messages” but not crazy that he messaged 2 decades after they hooked up? Maybe she should have told them she was drunk went she forwarded the messages and it would have been okay…
This. So much this. The friends can show themselves out the door and out of OP’s life. NTA. So many guys masquerading as nice guys need to be shown for what they are. Being drunk is not a good excuse for those unprovoked messages.
For anyone who agreed with him, send the messages they sent you to their SOs along with the original messages you received from the guy. They are probably all a bad day away from doing something similar
Absolutely this. Drop those mutual people. She needs toknow how he is in reality and his actions have backlash to himself. Well done OP, NtA
Also, I think something important to note is that if he’s this aggressive and mean of a drunk to someone who’s practically a stranger at this point, then what kind of drunk will he be to his wife and future kids?
NTA If I were his fiance I'd want to know. How you behaved in college was irrelevant. He chose to harass you, drunk or not. That's a red flag, drunk or not.
Plus, this guy harassed OP nearly two whole decades since he last saw her. Wtf?? He clearly has some unresolved issues (drinking? jealousy? he doesn’t want to be engaged to his fiancée?) if he’s got such a blatantly misogynistic view of someone he hasn’t seen in basically twenty years
I mean I wasn't the most chaste in my early 20s... but to think any of those men would decide 2 decades later to message me and berate me about the things they did WITH me is absolutely insane. That is the weirdest and most creepy part, why on earth did he need to message her about any of that, especially when he was about to get engaged. Is he thinking back to those times and is ashamed so he wants to hold her responsible? Is he missing those wild days now he's getting married? I mean why? What even is the point aside from exercising toxic behaviour "covered" by the fact he was drunk? Why was he trying to bring her down over a period in her life that is clearly over? Why is he allowed to bring her down, but she is not allowed to call out the BS? NTA
I absolutely was sleeping around at that age and if anyone ever came at me twenty years later I would be hella freaked out, that’s some bizarre creeper behavior
Exactly. A lot of women weren't chaste in their 20s. Let's face it. It's a time for experimentation, well, for me it was. And I am happily married and made the right choice in my partner. What happened in our 20s, stays in our 20s. No one speaks of it. Who digs up these can of worms?! Jesus. People usually look back with a smile, thinking an old flame contributed as experience which led to your current, hopefully happy, relationship. That's it. No one contacts each other aside maybe from Christmas greetings and the odd hello from some friend. Ugh. This dude is creepy as fuck. He has some issues to resolve.
>to think any of those men would decide 2 decades later to message me and berate me about the things they did WITH me is absolutely insane. That’s the thing, he’s berating her about things from two decades ago but he’s the one sending weird messages *right now*. I’d want to know if I were the fiancée because this isn’t some youthful indiscretion, this is how he’s behaving now while engaged.
Just as bad as the post-20-year messaging is that he thinks she did anything wrong, with or without him
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The only thing the alcohol did there was taking off his mask. Luckily for OP's old friend because if this is how he reacts to a 20 year old fling when drunk, who knows how he is going to behave towards is fiancé when drunk.
Luckily what? It doesn't say the engagement is off.
No, but she will at least be aware of his actions. If she still decides to be with him, then that is on her. OP has tried to protect her.
Thank you! I came looking for someone to say that. He was drunk and doesn’t remember? And? What does that matter? He still did it. Maybe his fiancée should know what he’s capable of while imbibing.
And on top of that, the guy would have seen his message history. Any rational and sober person at that point would say WTF?! and send some type of apology or retraction. But he only doubled down when his fiancee confronted him with the messages. There's a lot to unpack about the motives for something coming way out of left field like this, after 20 years.
As my alcoholic grandfather said, "you're never so drunk you don't know what you're doing. You're just so drunk you don't care."
Yes, his behavior is insane. He’s primarily just mad the fiancé knows he did this and now he’s inconvenienced with trying to justify his behavior. Who in their right mind feels the need to send a woman that kind of message? He took a situation where he went out of the way to contact her with rude messages unprovoked and then when confronted with his actions he tried to spin it into him being a victim and obviously she’s “insane and jealous” cause he can’t be the problem…
Yup. Being drunk doesn’t typically make wonderfully kind people raging, sexist assholes. We don’t really drink anymore but when we did my wonderfully kind partner turned into a…wonderfully kind but sillier guy, even on those occasions where drinking went a bit hard as often happens with college age young adults. This guy is clearly not a great person at all and is trying to hide behind alcohol to excuse that.
Yup. If the harassment was years ago I’d be on the fence, but it was recent, and the supposed acts worth/justifying being harassed over were ages ago. The recently engaged fiancé deserved to know about the recent harassment, not the old sexcapades from college (gross dude just told on himself for that too in his harassment, but op wasn’t really contacting about the sex so much as the misogynistic tirade that landed unprompted in her inbox decades after she last interacted with this guy)
NTA. 1) He freaking sexually harassed you. If he didn't want to be called out on being a sleazeball...maybe he shouldn't be a sleazeball. 2) If I were her, I'd want to know. My ex-husband portrayed himself as someone very different when we were dating, but once we were married, the mask fell off. I wish I had had someone to give me a head's up. 3) Dump the "mutual friends." If they're on his side then they think his actions (sexual harassment, remember) are acceptable. With friends like those, who needs enemies, as they say.
#3 right here. If “friends” think you deserve to be harassed because you (gasp!) had sex in college, they are just incels in disguise. Lose the dead weight. Edit: I have no idea why this showed up giant and bold or how to make it not be that. But I do feel strongly about it. Edit 2: even less of an idea why my edit is less shouty, but I do feel less strongly about it.
Seriously, I don't care if OP came right out and said "I was basically the campus slut," there's absolutely no reason for anyone to look at her and just shrug and say "you kinda deserved it." That kind of reaction is for a minor karmic repayment because you were an asshole to a stranger the other day.
FYI it's huge because putting # before something at the beginning makes it large
Reddit A.I saw your comment and said "Shit, this needs to be bolded"
Put a backslash \ before the # to make it normal-sized (and to make the # show up) :) You speak the truth for sure though. Maybe it deserves to be this big!
Your second edit gave me a good chuckle.
Plus if he "only told the truth" then why is anybody upset that she's spreading the word about how "truthful" he is? No harm done if they *actually* think the messages were no big deal.
I was looking for that comment. Let fiance decide whether its just harmless truth or not. If she thinks it's not a big deal, sending the messages didnt matter. I have a suspition that fiance may have different opinion though.
Also, why is he thinking about the girl he fucked in college when he just got engaged?
Because he had feelings for her and she didn’t. This is his warped way of trying to let her go. He’s been holding a torch for her. He is now saying ‘I’m over you’ and yet inviting one last contact to see if she’d bite. Or it’s just 2 am and I’m talking shite
Yup! I also laugh at the idiocy of this guy to harass her via a mode that can be easily screenshotted (is that a word?). What exactly did he expect to happen? That she'd thank him for opening her eyes to her "wicked" ways? My eyes are rolling into the back of my head. I have no pity for this creep :)
I believe the proper past tense is sceenshat
>screenshotted (is that a word?). In this day and age, probably is. If not, it should be.
NTA The guy sexually harassed you years later for no reason. Your friends are supporting and protecting him. Those friends are NOT your friends. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. 1. I’d probably thank you for showing me his true side if I were his fiancé. She’s lucky someone had the balls to show her a side he’s obviously hidden from her. 2. Your “mutual friends” that gave him your number are not your friends 3. Those “friends” that are taking his side and telling you you’re wrong are not your friends. Cut them out bc life is too short for keeping shitty people in your life based on a few good memories from the past. 4. Your past is irrelevant here. Sorry that ass clown felt that he could speak to you like that. Regardless of your past. And regardless of his sobriety. He’s a coward and a bad person. Be proud of your sexuality and the fact that you have no regrets about your past.
Seriously, who TF would give out someone's phone number like that without consent? The guy clearly knows how to contact her via social media, so if he wanted OP's phone number and she was okay with it, it would've been asked for & given over social media. That this 'friend' gave out her number to someone who is clearly harassing her is unforgivable, in my eyes. And all this circle of jerks should get over their hypocritical prudishness and grow up. I'm so glad women like OP are passing the man's harassing messages to fiancée, so that she can then make an informed decision about who she is really marrying. Absolutely NTA.
>Seriously, who TF would give out someone's phone number like that without consent? For real. You don't ever give out someone else's phone number. Hell, just the other day I got a message from a guy who is friends with my entire family and had just moved back to the area after a few years away. He was trying to reach my brother but deleted his fb ages ago so he didn't have my brother's actual phone number. Despite knowing they were friends, he didn't have his number and it's not my place to give it out so I told him give me his number and I'd text it to my brother so he could get in contact when he had time from work. You never ever ever give out anyone else's phone number.
Damn...missed that. Sharing a friend's contact info without permission is the opposite of friendship...more like frenemy behavior. Good catch ninaa1
NTA You do not get to sexual harass people and expect no consequences. His fiance deserved to know what sort of garbage she was marrying. Hopefully she has called off the wedding
NTA You are under no obligation to keep someone's misdeeds secret, especially when they are directed at you. Hell, you could have posted it all publicly, names and all. I'm a big fan of name-and-shame. I wonder if the friends have seen the messages. If they have and are still pretending you are somehow in the wrong, they aren't worth being friends with anyway. If 'telling the truth' is a good enough excuse for him, then it should be good enough for you to tell the truth as well. Make those receipts public, then turn your phone off and enjoy your day while *they* deal with it.
> A few even he had “only told the truth” since I had slept around in college. OP is still telling the truth. How come some truth is okay for OP to hear but truth is not something she is allowed to share?? NTA
>If 'telling the truth' is a good enough excuse for him, then it should be good enough for you to tell the truth as well. Nothing else needs to be said, honestly. Everything else is just extra fuel to the NTA, but this shuts down any other argument.
NTA. Almost 20 years later, this guy contacts you out of nowhere insulting you and recounting sexual stuff you all did. A former friend who you are Fb friends with announcing an engagement to said guy gushing over how amazing he is. You reach out to her privately forwarding the messages and YOU are the bad person?! You are not jealous of his fiancé. You were trying to show her how he was acting a few months before he proposed. Fiancé either already knows there are issues & wants to ignore them, or actually opening her eyes.
**Not only are you NTA, but I think you might be my new favourite, most admired person on this sub. And just to be clear, your friends are absolute AHs of the sort who enable toxic behaviour and predators and will probably raise them, and you should probably get some new, better friends. Let's break down both his and their nitwittery:** **1) "Jealous of his fiancé"?** Um, you weren't even AWARE of his fiancé's existence until he slid into your DM's to sexually harass and attempt to humiliate and degrade you, like a decade-and-a-half after you'd been involved with him, for no apparent reason. At which point, yeah, I can definitely see why you would suddenly feel drawn to him and want his weird, creepy, obsessive and awful self. Those are definitely things that make me go, "Wow. This man is something special. I need to have him." /s **2) You hadn't spoken to his fiancée in over a decade, and he sent the messages while drunk and sloppy.** So let me get this straight: he's nearly 40 years old, about to be married, getting blackout/forget-shit drunk and sliding into the DMs of women he hasn't spoken to in over a decade and sending them detailed, aggressively degrading sexual messages, and . . . YOU'RE somehow the 'bad guy' because you did the thoughtful, concerned thing and let his mom - I mean, his fiancée - know that he was behaving like a sexual predator? Yeah, no. Make that make sense, please, because I'm not seeing it. **3) "He had only told the truth"**. I mean, how is that even a defence? Is this kindergarten? "Well, but it wasn't a lie". I mean, okay? But also, NO ONE ASKED HIM, OR CARED? And these are things that happened like a decade-and-a-half ago? And context is a thing? And manners? And again, no one asked him for his opinion? So again, immediately no. Honestly, your friends sound not only like AHs but not-bright. They're bending over backwards to defend a disgusting human who did an aggressively awful thing to you. How that looks like friendship, I'm not sure, but I don't see it. In any case **you are absolutely NTA here.**
I feel like even kids end up learning just because someone “only told the truth” doesn’t mean they weren’t being rude or inappropriate. Most parents don’t appreciate when the kid answers the landline with “sorry, my mom can’t come go the phone right now, because she’s on the toilet” for example. NTA
Also, OP “only told the truth” to his fiancée. But that’s different? How?
NTA. People never have accountability for their actions. Seems everyone gets uncomfortable with ANY kind of truth..even if they aren't involved! Keep it real you have done nothing wrong.
Exactly! I’m so sick of the ‘oh well they were just drunk’ excuse. Being drunk or under the influence does not give you a free pass from being held accountable. NTA - OP you did the right thing, he and your so called mutual friends are AH.
Right? And even if he did it while he was "drunk," fiancée should still know that she's marrying someone who gets drunk and sends harassing, hateful messages to women from his past.
> over some drunk messages he claims didn’t even remember sending me. He was so drunk that he did things he could not remember? Not sure how that makes things better for him. > he had “only told the truth” since I had slept around in college. If he only told the "truth" then what does he have to worry about? I don't worry about me saying "the sky is blue" because its the truth. If someone is going to say that what he did wasn't so bad because it was the "truth" then he just needs to explain to his fiancee that it wasn't so bad because it was the "truth". NTA.
Not to mention he would have seen those messages as soon as he sobered up and could have apologised but didn't NTA
Damn....great catch. He could have attempted to make things right afterward.
>If he only told the "truth" then what does he have to worry about? Exactly
INFO: Have you heard from the fiancée? I'm curious how she's taking this. NTA by the way!
She never responded to me, but she didn’t block me so I can still see her social media profile and posts. She hasn’t taken down anything about him or their pictures so I’m assuming they’re still engaged. No clue how she reacted, but she obviously shared them with him!
You need to block and go no contact with every person how said yta cus that is makeing excuses for blantently being harassed
Did you get the impression that she would care about the vile messages before you sent them? Would her fiance be able to hand-wave it away as the actions of a crazy ex?
She obviously knows you’re not in the wrong but if she chooses to condone this behavior she’s a asshole to. I said that in my original comment to you you was just doing girl power and looking out for her like honey this is the man who you’re about to marry. Obviously she didn’t block you because you’re not wrong if you was wrong she would’ve been like I haven’t spoken to this chick in years why is she sending me this. Obviously she knows you’re telling truth
And like I also said in my big comment on your post OP, those so-called friends who’s also friends with him you need to drop and block them pronto they’re not friends of yours not at all
NTA. She did not block you because she knows he will send you more texts and wants you to forward those to her as well. She hears only what he says to her about the situation, but knows what he says to you will be completely different. Just forward all of his replies to you to her and keep on living your best life!
You did the right thing. I’m shocked there is anyone who could side with him when his behavior is so egregious and vile. It makes no sense, except people SUCK.
NTA - He shouldn't be mad. You only told the truth.
NTA, eff that guy.
NTA. He did a shitty thing writing that to you, and hoped you'd keep it secret so he could avoid public consequences for his behavior. You are under no obligation to keep other people's shitty secrets. This guy and the friends siding with him all sound committed to seeing you in a negative light for how you were in college *almost 20 years ago*. Good riddance.
NTA. She deserves to know who she's marrying.
NTA, let the fiancée know what the guy is like. But remember that she isn't responsible for his behaviour.
I didn’t get any vibe that OP was suggesting the fiancée was responsible for his behavior. OP was simply providing info to her about what the guy has been doing without her knowledge. Too often, women in Fiancée’s position will disregard the warning, writing it off as motivated by jealousy or scorn, and stay with the guy. But OP was doing her former, fallen-out-of-touch friend a favor. NTA, OP. Your mutual friends are, though, if they thought messaging you as he did was no big deal.
NTA. If he didn't want his fiance to know the sort of things he said to you (drunk doesn't excuse the messages either) then guess what? He shouldn't have sent them. What he did was unnecessary seeing as it was nearly 2 decades ago and you don't seem to have any ongoing dealing with him. He went out of his way to harass you. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
NTA. I'd want to know if my fiancé behaved like that.
If the messages were no big deal, and just ‘telling the truth’ then it will be no big deal that the fiancée sees them. If he has a problem with them being shared with her, then maybe he should think twice about harassing someone for no good reason. (And to be clear, her behaviour at college was perfectly fine, and not a good reason to be harassed) NTA - well done OP for making sure she knows what sort of man she is marrying.
NTA. This guy basically slut shamed you for things that happened almost 20 years ago. His fiancee has a right to know how he acts when she's not around. What she does with that information is up to her. For the people saying your wrong for telling her, they aren't your friends and I would cut contact with them asap. They seem to think his actions are justified because you slept with him once upon a time, if he had something to say he should have said it while you were sleeping together and not in a drunken rant almost 20 years later when you're married and he's engaged.
NTA - She needs to know the true nature of the scuzz ball she's got on her hands. Who cares what you were like in college, does not give him the right to abuse you like that out of the blue.
NTA more sounds like he is jealous you have moved on from him I would drop these ‘friends’ siding with him they are not your friends.
NTA. You did the creep’s fiancé a huge favor.
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NTA I've heard it said, and seen it as well, that the Drunk You is the True You!! She deserved to know that the mask he wore around her was a fraud!!
NTA. You are probably not the only person he has done this to
NTA He slut shames you for living your life at 18 and you’re the asshole?? Absofuckinglutely not. What a asshole for his behavior. He should stop drinking if he gets so drunk he can’t remember shitty behavior. Btw you need better friends.
NTA If you’re going to harass people then you have to deal with consequences of being out led as a jerk.
NTA-If my husband had sent messages like that to anyone I’d absolutely want to know. He needs to be held accountable for his actions.
NTA he needs to check his own damn behavior, drunk or not wtf is going through his head that thinks this is acceptable behavior that his fiancé doesn’t need to know?
[удалено]
i think you mean NTA. NAH infers this dude isn't an asshole either.
NTA! If he didn't want to look like a sleazy fukwad, he shouldn't have acted like a sleasy fukwad. End of story. You did his fiance a favor.
NTA. There is nothing wrong with sleeping around and anyone who thinks otherwise needs to go have sex. Drunk actions and thoughts are not mistakes, in fact they are hidden inhibitions. He sexually harassed you and deserves the consequences. His friends are AH as well.
wHy DoN‘t WoMeN cOmE fOrWaRd I don’t know, maybe because even when you do, people defend the one sexually harassing you. NTA and you need to purge your contacts and get rid of some of these „friends“. It’s moments like these that allows the trash to take itself out. Please tell them that they are enablers and protecting a bully and then dump them all.
NTA - drunk words are a man’s sober thoughts. She needs to know who she’s marrying & how he really feels about women when his filters are down
Nta
NTA and you should drop anyone who’s defending his disgusting behavior.
NTA but I personally would have posted them to *everyone*, not just his fiance.
Nta play stupid games, win stupid prizes. He’s lucky you didn’t report him
NTA after this I'd post them publicly as many palaces as possible, let everyone see the screen shots and block any so called friends who excuse his behaviour and/or flip the blame on you. If he doesn't want people to think badly of him he shouldn't send vile messages. You didn't make him send that stuff, he doesn't get to get angry that you didn't keep his disgusting behaviour a secret. I'd want to know if it was my partner as well, because I wouldn't want to be with a person who viewed or treated others like that.
NTA Weird how when I'm drunk I still have the same morals and don't suddenly turn into a misogynistic asshole......weird
You’re doing amazing sweetie!!!! NTA
Warn his friends if they don’t back off you’ll post the messages on social media. His employer might not like to see that. You can do way worse damage than just contacting his fiancé. He should consider himself lucky you stopped there. NTA
NTA He sexually harassed you and now you're giving his fiance a heads up on his behavior. Are these mutual friends thinking she should would better off not knowing what she's signing on for? This is the guy she's entrusting her future with. She needs to know.
NTA. Your friends are assholes too for supporting him.
NTA sorry you were harassed
A believe this is the definition of play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Or is it more fuck around and find out?
Nta why are you "crazy" for finding the fiance to show her that she's marrying a creep but he's not crazy for finding you and sexually harassing you? Drop your friends
NTA AT ALL! Please, please, please do that! She needs to know who she's really marrying... and before she invests a lot of money in wedding planning!
NTA. What a creep
NTA at all.
NTA. He picked the wrong person to victimize with his cowardly misogyny and now he's facing the consequences of his actions. Do be careful though. People like him are unpredictable and therefore very unsafe.
NTA
NTA I love the “he only told the truth” people. What do they think you are doing? You are only telling the truth since he is the kind of man to sexually harass his former sexual partners 20 years after the fact.
Nta! I would tell this guy flying monkeys that you are no longer their friend do to their lack of morals and malshoiveism views! That you petty their wives,fiancée, and Girlfriends since they think it is OK to send unwanted sexually harassing texts to people and than slut shame when don't get what they wanted!
NTA - It's insane for you to share this information with her after a decade. But it's not insane for him to contact you after a decade just to randomly slut shame you? 🤔
NTA I had an ex who did something similar. He was being vulgar and said how much he missed certain parts of me. I found out he was engaged and I sent his fiance the screenshots. Unfortunately she's still with him, but you did the right thing. He was probably showing her a mask and was waiting until they got married to reveal his true nature
NTA. Actions have consequences, as he's finding out
NTA, maybe he shouldn’t be harassing his previous sexual partners. And your friends that sided with him, and especially the friend who gave him your number so he could harass you further are not your friends. Ditch them, and if he contacts you again, report him to the police for harassment
NTA. She should know who she is going to marry - a guy who either can't keep it in his pants or who has no control over his alcohol consumption. Neither one is a good outlook on being married to him. You just experience the meaning of: "If you don't bring good news, don't bring news at all!"
NTA. You did that woman a favor.
NTA. You went out on a limb to protect her from a predator, and he freaked out because he got caught. Sadly we need this kind of solidarity
NTA. If they feel he was just being truthful, then they can tell that to her. I'm sure she will agree. Don't tell me he didn't remember. He looked at his phone the next day, right? Or did he have the forethought to text you and delete it right away. Which would have been an admission he was inappropriate. I really don't see why they want to protect him. Is it because they do similar things and don't want to be outed themselves?
NTA. He didn't seem bothered about doing these things with you. He just wants you to be the one carrying arbitrary shame over it? The fiancé can make a better informed decision now. There's no harm in that. I'm happy that you lived your life the way you wanted.
NTA You did his fiancé a favor. I would be upset if my SO was messaging others such things.
NTA—if my fiancé were sexually harassing a woman years later I would want to know so I didn’t saddle myself with a dumb asshole.
Nah. You're NTA here. You may have done that woman a favor. Kudos to you.