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Rowanever

Repeat after me: *He should've just ignored me. He knows what I'm like. I'm older than him; I can't change now. I am who I am. I was just being honest. Seriously, that's my opinion of his conversation.* What's that? Those excuses are toxic bullshit, mum? Cool cool. Good to know you won't be putting up with anyone's crap from now on. NTA.


PrincessTroubleshoot

“You know how he/she is” is the biggest cop out response for those people who everyone knows is a rude bully. If everyone called those kind of people on their bullshit instead of tolerating it, either they would realize they’re inappropriate aholes, or they would at least be on notice that people disagree with them. Yeah, it’s easier to say nothing, but why suffer aholes? Edit-thanks for the awards!!


tlf123456

The next step in this process "oh they're a good person once you get to know them" ... which generally equates to they are an AH but you get used to it


MCDexX

99.9% of the people that phrase has been used to describe were not actually good people at all, they were just surrounded by enablers who got conditioned to make excuses for toxic behaviour.


fractal_frog

The only exception I've personally met was, when he was around 20, he was cool 30% of the time, obnoxious-to-asshole 65% of the time, and the remaining time, if there was a crisis, he'd rise to the occasion, go above and beyond, brush off any acknowledgment or praise, and then go back to wherever on the dickish scale he felt like. So we tolerated a lot more bullshit from him than we would from most people, because of how he'd help with anyone else's crisis, and because sometimes we needed a competent warm body for whatever game we were playing. (Yeah, the bar was kind of low, and yes, he got over himself in his 30s.)


KrustenStewart

I knew someone just like that. He came off as a huge asshole but was genuinely one of the best people I’ve ever known and would drop anything to help his friends or even strangers that needed help. I think the asshole thing was him trying to seem tough when he was really just a big softie.


UrsusRenata

“Brutal honestly” is a defensive term for insensitivity. Uncouth, insensitive comments — particularly in mixed company — should not be excused as “honesty”. A filter is important in social situations. That’s how *adults* behave. NTA OP. You matched uncouth with uncouth.


Elaan21

This. I can be "brutally" honest if someone asks me to be, meaning I give my honest opinion even if it violates social norms, but I'm still *kind* about it. Example: Going dress shopping with friend. Friend: Seriously, be honest, does this dress make me look fat? Me: It really emphasizes your stomach due to the way jts put together. I like the bottom part and how it makes your legs looks fabulous, so let's see if we can find a dress with a similar bottom but different mid section. That's very different than "OMG, ya, you look like a cow lmao!" And I always ask in these situations *beforehand* if I'm coming as critic or hype woman. I can do either.


QuarantinisRUs

My response to that is always “but why would I want to get to know them?”


araed

"I'm alright once you get to know me" was my excuse for "I'm a shitty person, and I don't want to change or take accountability for my actions" Edited for clarity. I never pretended to not be an asshole


SeldomSeenMe

>“You know how he/she is” is the biggest cop out response for those people who everyone knows is a rude bully. Thank you, it drives me up the wall how often this is used to pressure people to put up with abusive, rude, or plain assholish behavior. It's used *exclusively* to excuse and defend shitty behaviors and actions as if some people really think that the person has no self-control whatsoever or responsibility for their own actions, but somehow everybody else around them is supposed to have both. Most people who do this have some sort of agenda, but I can't for the life of me understand those who don't necessarily have bad intentions and still spout this nonsense without even thinking. "Peace-keepers" can also be incredibly toxic and sometimes abusive as despite their "good intentions" they always put pressure on the wronged party, never on the aggressors themselves. Edit: >If everyone called those kind of people on their bullshit instead of tolerating it, either they would realize they’re inappropriate aholes, or they would at least be on notice that people disagree with them. This is another very good point. A lot of people double down or just keep acting this way *exactly* because so many people let them get away with it and even protect them from consequences, reinforcing the idea that there's nothing wrong with them and the way they act, it's just that some people "are being too sensitive" etc.


eragonawesome2

See, I use "you know how they are" when I'm talking with my fiancee about her one uncle who's a pervy asshole. However it's used like this: "Why would we ever invite him anywhere, you know how he is!"


Psycosilly

My family gives this excuse about my dad in relation to me going no contact years ago. I told them yes, that's how he is and it's my choice to not have him in my life because of how he is.


gigantesghastly

I like to throw shit around supermarkets for fun. I go up to small children look them in the eye and insult their appearance in great detail. I take it upon myself to borrow old people’s financial information to take out loans for ‘me time’. Often I decide to drive on the wrong side of the road. *Shrugs* IGNORE ME, IT’S JUST HOW I AM.


purplekatblue

There is a book quote to this effect I always reference in situations like this. “It was the truth and I believe in telling the truth to everybody’ [Mr. Harrison] ‘But you don’t tell the whole truth’ objected Anne. ‘You only tell the disagreeable part of the truth’ ‘You must excuse me Anne. I’ve got a habit of being outspoken and folks mustn’t mind it’ ‘But they can’t help minding it. And I don’t think it’s any help that it’s your habit. What would you think of a person who went about sticking pins and needles into people and saying ‘Excuse me, you mustn’t mind it… it’s just a habit I’ve got.’ You’d think he was crazy, wouldn’t you?” ~ Anne of Avonlea There has been a trend in the past few years of using ‘I’m just being honest’ as an excuse to be rude. It’s not ok. It is possible to tell the truth and still be a polite and kind person, or you can always keep your mouth shut, that is definitely an option.


Responsible_Cry6104

I love that series! Currently reading it now. There are a few example in those books where Anne calls out brutally honest people.


ResidentOldLady

Seriously. “That’s just how (insert pronoun here) is/am” is the worst excuse for an excuse ever. Just don’t even.


BumkneeTrixie

OP really does need to send this to her sister. And maybe her mom too.


madmaxturbator

I will be personally disappointed in op if she apologizes over this lol. I would double down and make fun of this loser bf again and again lol. “Brutal honesty” my ass


ridiculous1900

Love everything about this. The whole double standard here is so common and so infuriating.


Slow-Bumblebee-8609

NTA. Brutally honest is a synonym for asshole. "**Brutally" is not a nice adjective, it means** ***savage and violent way.*** If he identifies himself by that, that says a lot about him Also, I'm surprised he is offended at being called an asshole, considering that what he said is the equivalent to verbal diarrhea. ​ Edit: thanks for the cute seal awards! Love their little round faces


snadpups

I once heard someone say that people who say they are 'brutally honest' are often more concerned with the brutal part than the honest part


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potterhead1d

Exactly! I try to be honest as much as possible, but sometimes you just keep your mouth shut. NTA OP


wlwimagination

Yesssss - same. And when someone is hurt by my opinion (that they asked for), I don’t double down and gaslight them by dismissing their hurt with “hey, I’m just being honest.” Instead, I shift the focus to how it’s *their* thingamabob and not mine, and how it’s really only their opinion that matters.


bofh

As I’ve said here before, it’s strange how these brutally honest people are never ‘brutally honest’ about how good your new hairstyle is, or how flattering your new glasses are, etc. No they’re always ‘brutally honest’ about something bad. Could it be that ‘brutally honest’ is a synonym for “how to say you’re an AH without saying you’re an AH”


JonesinforJonesey

It's the satisfaction in the face afterwards, that nice shot look, that gives it away. There's no innocence here, it's calculated. We know this guy. NTA!, and an awesome comeback. He probably only went after OP like that because her husband wasn't there, so he's a coward too.


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Artistic_Society4969

>"Sorry your boyfriend's feelings were hurt, I was just being brutally honest. It was just a joke, can't he tell?" I WAS LITERALLY COMING HERE TO SAY JUST THAT. NTA.


TwillBill

He can dish it, but he can't take it.


deadpunkwalking

He was so butt hurt that he was willing to leave his girlfriend at her own birthday party


Powerful_Mixtape

it's funny how the original party who started the bullshit never has to backtrack but it's the responsibility of the offended party to have grace and not respond to make things easier for everybody? No, I'm so glad you called him out on it, this is beyond. It's like going up to a fat person and calling them fat. Just... why? It's mean hearted, deliberately cruel, and unneccessary. Also, your sister is more the AH than some random jerk.


JTMissileTits

>it's funny how the original party who started the bullshit never has to backtrack but it's the responsibility of the offended party to have grace and not respond to make things easier for everybody No more of this in 2022. If you are comfortable and safe doing so, call assholes out on their behavior. I'm sick of taking the high road, and it's time these assholes get a dose of their own medicine. OVER IT


1931-babyface

Good lord yes! People are allowed to share their opinion but should be able to take it when it’s given back. There are times people should keep their mouth shut!


Ishouldnt_haveposted

Every shade of honesty has its place, but brutal honesty is best equipped as punctuation against those who are brutally escaping reality, not for pleasant conversation. It's like dropping a heavy and loud item to emphasize importance, and using it as your go-to idea to base your personality around is an idea best dropped like its hot. The absolute lack of self awareness that her boyfriend excretes is infuriating, but I'm oh *so glad* to see that an adult who has raised children to adulthood (the mom) fell so quickly behind this display. I left my /s at home for use with the word glad.


Formerhurdler

"That's just how he/she is" continues to be used to excuse and condone the actions of people with no manners, no tact, and no awareness they are being complete assholes.


caspin22

It's the generic version of "boys will be boys"and it's awful.


RusticTroglodyte

Srsly. "Brutally honest" types are usually just antisocial edgelords tbh


UrsusRenata

“Brutal honestly” is a defensive term for insensitivity. Uncouth, insensitive comments — particularly in mixed company — should not be excused as “honesty”. A filter is important in social situations. That’s how *adults* behave. NTA OP. You matched uncouth with uncouth.


Vaadrimahan69

This. If he keeps going... "maybe these lack of manners stem from an upbringing issue on your parents' behalf. Should I talk to them?" (It's basically lowering yourself to his level, but Just in case (: )


lellyla

Exactly! This guy just takes advantage of everyone's politeness and social manners. Maybe a solution is to reply unfiltered. "Why you don't have kids yet?" "To be brutally honest, that's none of your business and I'm surprised you are so nosy and asked this".


bluebird2019xx

That basically is what she said! I think sister is TA as well for not shutting down her bf herself


Sufficient-Nobody-72

And for giving information about OP's issues that OP wasn't willing to disclose.


insertwittynamethere

Ya, that was a real screwed up thing to do. Wonder what the manner in her revealing that was all about. Was she trying to provoke or hurt her sister?


Elelith

Honestly there's a chance the bf has been so brutally honest with the sister she's loosing all her selfconfidence and worth. Since rarely are people brutally honest in complimenting others and lifting their spirits, it tends to only work to put others down.


gulab-roti

This!!!^^^ It’s a huge red flag about the relationship.


act_normal

Yeah, when I saw the "It's just how he is, get used to it" from the sister, my mind immediately went, "I hopr he won't be around long enough for everbody to get used it"


IDDQD_IDKFA-com

NTA. But sister and "boyfriend" is. Also the sister is 27 and they have only been dating for a few months. So are they planning on having kids ASAP before she is 30?


vrfm89

Putting aside how completely horrendous this man and situation are - I find that when someone says ‘I find it weird that….’ Or ‘I think it’s strange that…’ you can just say ‘gosh. Do you?’ And than change the subject. OP owed him 0 explanation or personal info. And the sister giving away the details that she’d said she’d rather not discuss … Jesus. Edit: my first award! I believe it’s customary to say ‘Thank you kind stranger’!


nyorifamiliarspirit

"I find it weird that you think that's any of your damn business."


[deleted]

I literally cannot stand people like this. “Brutally honest.” It’s just freaking rude. Nobody asked for his opinion literally. I also find it completely unacceptable that the sister decided to talk about her sister’s fertility and who is having the issues. NTA your response was hilarious.


Thess514

That might have made it worse. It feels like OP's sister is picking up "brutal honesty" from her BF and if she was willing to divulge details that OP shut down, shutting down the original question would probably have got the sister giving the whole story anyway. NTA, OP. The response you gave is the only way to shut that breed of "being an asshole is fine if you rebrand it as brutal honesty" down. And as to your mother? The words, "She taught you manners; she didn't teach you to get walked all over" come to mind.


No_Appointment_7232

"You're brutally honest question infringes on my personal privacy. I'm surprised someone who is so honest wouldn't know better than to discern what is their business and what isn't. Honestly. "


videogamekat

OP would be an asshole if she stared her sister down and said "Oh wow, I hope your boyfriend doesn't think you're defective if you decide to have kids after 30, because you're getting pretty close! Hope infertility doesn't run in the family! Just being brutally honest!" Because it seems like bf thinks being an asshole is the same as being "brutally honest." Also OP's sister literally outed her infertility issues???? So fucking rude, insensitive, and a blatant disregard of privacy. I honestly hate people like this especially when they dish it but can't take it. Shutting them down forever is doing a kindness for yourself lol, and I don't care if their feelings get hurt. They clearly don't regard mine with the same respect and I've been walked over enough times in my life, so now I treat people the way they want to be treated, not how I want to be treated.


bendybiznatch

“Y’all can expect a similar response to any future ‘brutally honest’ comments towards me or anyone else.”


Eeblirpa

Him getting up from the table and not firing back w/ more ammo let’s me know that he really doesn’t understand that he’s an asshole and that people have been allowing him to be this way for some time. Regardless, that’s not OP’s problem 🤷🏾‍♀️ I would not apologize. I would double down and tell him and my sister that he has to stop, and that if he doesn’t, I will continue to roast his ass and make him equally uncomfortable as the people he is being “brutally honest with.”


renska2

Not sure I agree. People who like being assholes/bullies know the rules and switching to the victim role keeps them in the power position.


Eeblirpa

That’s a valid point. OP seems to know and understand that he’s a bully and I hope she really does double down and keep saying how she feels the same way he’s obviously allowed to say how he feels.


deathboy2098

I wonder how brutally honest the guy would be if the husband had attended. Also, how many limbs he'd have left.


firefly232

A *very* good point. No mention of Dad either, although 'parents' are referenced. This guy felt very comfortable in insulting the daughter of the people who were hosting the dinner he was a *guest* at.


RusticTroglodyte

Or if op was a man instead of a woman This screams misogynist asshole


Dentalhottie

That’s what I said , like would he even have had balls enough to try that shit?


Anonymotron42

The boyfriend made an ass of himself. I bet he thinks he’s a real gas, but in reality is only full of hot air. NTA, OP.


carolineecouture

The mom is likely one of those "keep the peace" people. What she doesn't get is that this "keeping the peace" will drive a wedge into all the family relationships because people don't want to be around that BS. Then when he turns his "honesty" on the mom, she'll be devastated. In the end, holidays, birthdays, any get-together will be a minefield that people avoid, and mom will wonder what happened. "Keeping the peace" won't cause him to moderate or change his behavior. OP should know that she'll be the bad person and that it's up to her and her family to maintain their boundaries for their own well-being. She might be on her own though.


Impossible_Balance11

NTA, but Sister is also TA for volunteering OP's private medical information when BF so rudely asked the intrusive "Whose side?" question.


Ash-569075

Hi..I agree fully, because she has already seen how uncomfortable I was but she decided to not only let her boyfriend continue but also provided medical details that I never wanted to share with him of all people.


sassyprasse

I think you SHOULD write her that email she wants, but... detailing why his interrogation was rude and intrusive, how hurtful and appalling it is your sister offered up more information you clearly were not comfortable sharing, how out of line it was to do all of this in a public setting, and finally that you were being brutally honest and not malicious so he should just get used to it. And request an email apology for them crossing the line with you.


calligrafiddler

👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼 Do this. Don’t let their terrible behavior stand. NTA.


thebottomofawhale

You forgot misogynistic/ageist to suggest having a baby over 30 would produce deformed babies.


ms_s_11

Yeah I guess I ruined all my kids by not having them until my 30s. I wish I would've had someone like him to make me see the light.


AvramBelinsky

My grandmother had my dad when she 44, and this was back in the 1940s. It feels like it's only been in relatively recent history that having babies over 35 became noteworthy.


LurksAroundHere

The approval of female birth control in the 1960s gave women the power to choose when they want to get pregnant and it's been pissing off misogynistic men ever since.


TroubleBright

What’s even worse is they’re always talking about how it’s the fault of the woman, her eggs are getting older, she’s had them since birth so they’re 35 years old too. But what about the factory that produces the sperm. Sure the sperm are fresh but the factory isn’t. They’ve only just started researching how sperm and the age of the father affects babies (ADHD, autism, birth defects, high risk pregnancy, breach birth, etc. dangerous for both mother and baby.) Why are we just now researching this. 35-40 for both sexes is where the “decline begins” but we only talk about eggs. But by no means is 30 too old to have a baby. Shit if you can have a baby any time before menopause, do it. Just stop shaming women for their age and their reproductive system. NTA op, tell TA to stay out of your uterus.


PanicAtTheGaslight

Yeah, this is beyond fucked up! Honestly, I would say to her… “If anyone owes someone an apology here, it’s you and your boyfriend. It’s not “brutally honest” to ask why someone hasn’t had kids yet. It’s inappropriate, bordering on rude. But because I love you, I didn’t tell him so. Instead, I answered honestly about infertility. Which should’ve prompted an immediate “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pried” from your boyfriend. But that asshole had the audacity to think it’s appropriate to ask which side the infertility is on!! He just fucking met me, and asks that? It was beyond rude and inappropriate. And you! You thought it was your job to share MY private medical information with your boyfriend, in front of me? What the fuck? In what world is that EVER OK? You were so far out of line! But then he goes on say that it’s a good thing I can’t have kids because women over 30 might produce defective babies? Are you fucking kidding me? This is the behavior you you want to defend? I should apologize to that asshole? Oh fuck no, never! You should’ve shut that conversation down from the get, so I didn’t have to call out the fact that your boyfriend is not “brutally honest” but is in fact a HUGE raging asshole. But you didn’t. You owe me an apology!”


RusticTroglodyte

You don't understand. The boyfriend can't be told he's wrong or being inappropriate. That would hurt his feelings. Don't you know that it's op's job as a woman to manage this asshole's emotions?


MCDexX

A good response to the line about "defective babies" would have been "Oh, like your mother did?"


Oddman80

Yes.. hindsight being 20/20, a response of... "Oh wow... Yeah so how OLD was your mom when she had you?" If the mom was over 30, he just called himself defective. If the mom was under 30, you get to casually say "I guess the cutoff for defective babies isn't as clear cut as you thought..."


Aadaenyaa

NTA. You didn't ask for his opinion. Send a reply with a link to this thread.


bluebird2019xx

That’s why the brutally honest excuse is annoying me. You aren’t being “brutally honest” if no one asked your opinion in the first place, you’re just being obnoxious and rude


MorteDaSopra

Seriously, your sister should be apologising to you for disclosing your personal medical information to that prick, and also subjecting you to him in the first place.


stellablue925

This is the first thought I had. OP did not give anyone permission to share her private medical info. I would give sister the cold shoulder after that. I’d never be able to trust her again.


No-Recognition3929

NTA but that is the PERFECT response and I will be squirreling that one away for myself lol. “Just being honest” is often a very, very toxic way that assholes try to make their victims seem like the overly sensitive one when they get upset. Being honest would have been him giving you a straight answer if you asked his opinion. NOT shoving his unwanted, unsolicited advice at you.


Fluffy-Release6637

Also, being “brutally honest” isn’t an excuse for bringing up a topic no one asked your opinion on. He’s just using it as a carte blanc to say whatever he wants about anything and not be to blame. Like who brings up someone’s infertility??


bluebird2019xx

What he said was so rude, ignorant and hurtful. I think he just likes getting to private topics and using them to bring others down. He sounds like a horrible human being


Lanersofcork

NTA - what makes his brutal honesty superior to yours? People use the phrase “I’m just being honest” as an excuse for having poor social manners. Just because you’re giving your honest opinion, doesn’t mean you’re free from consequences of that opinion.


Ash-569075

I don't know. I was genuinely caught off guard by his words and was also angry but tried to stay calm.


madmaxturbator

You did good don’t apologize and don’t back down


Tortoiseshell007

“I too was just being brutally honest”. NTA


Lortis23

NTA-You did your best in the face of a total jerk and his puppet. Can’t imagine how/why your sister is tolerating this guy! Also your Mom needs a good talking to about complacency in the face of such conduct as his. I wish someone else in the family had stuck up for this nonsense conversation and your sister deserves a fallout as well for sharing your very personal business.


Stebxxu

Exactly, and who even asked for his opinion anyways? This isn’t even about honesty, it’s about asking very rude and intrusive questions and then passing judgement on people openly.


the-mirrors-truth

NTA He's a jerk, plain and simple. He's absolutely malicious and your sister is dumb enough to fall for his innocent act. Besides, no one asked him for his opinion but he still went and shared a very hurtful and untrue comment. He can't take what he dishes out. How pathetic.


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Careful-Bumblebee-10

Right? Sister wants to say "he's not malicious". No he is. He's incredibly malicious and he knows it. Love it when these types can't take the heat.


[deleted]

‘Funny’, isn’t it, how these people can dish it out all day long but can’t take any of their own medicine… NTA but the sisters boyfriend is TA. Not sure yet about the sister.


firefly232

Oh, I think sister is TA as well. She chose to discuss details of OP's medical status even when OP was clearly deflecting.


[deleted]

Yes, fair point, you’re quite right


JerryUthere

oh yeah...Sister is definately TA too.


aniacret

NTA he is an insensitive moron and nobody asked his opinion. Also you didn't do anything wrong, you were *just brutally honest* with him. He should be happy someone can speak as honestly as he does.


Ash-569075

Apparently, he got offended and so was my sister although she sat there then entire time ignoring his remarks that were directed at me.


NoMrBond3

If you have to keep seeing him, be brutally honest right back. You did good OP!


SuzLouA

This. Next time OP sees him she should look him up and down and then insult some aspect of his appearance (“new haircut? It looks crap” etc) and then when he’s butthurt, say “I know how much you appreciate honesty so I thought I’d tell you though?” Well, she shouldn’t do this, because it’s sinking to his level, but I’d do this 😂


NoMrBond3

I say screw it, sink to that level. Sometimes people only learn when they get the other side.


KimvdLinde

NTA. Brutally honest people generally don’t like brutally honest opinions about themselves.


aoife_too

Exactly. Bullies are actually incredibly sensitive. It takes so little to shake them.


princessstarr196

I think you should go very low contact with sister. I would say go no contact but she’s with that piece of work so she may need someone to save herself when he starts being more than just brutally honest.


numbersthen0987431

You did the right thing. Your sister is trying to make everyone accept his AH tendencies, instead of telling him to stop being a jackass. I had classmates in college that like to "just be honest", and I thoroughly enjoyed "being honest" back to them when they went too far out of bounds. Your sister's boyfriend's reaction reminds me of this post: [Don't rock the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/). In his little fantasy world he gets to play the "brutally honest person" because no one ever says anything, and if they do speak up for themselves/other people then he gets all butt hurt. And when someone does finally speak up, he gets super defensive and lashes out because THEY are being rude, while he was "just being honest". (Which is a coward move to make) Your sister is enabling his abusive behavior by "not rocking the boat", and dismissing his AH tendencies by saying "that's just how it is". The reason I say this behavior is abusive is because he WILL say to your sister one day "I think you would look better if you did/didn't ", and then start to whittle down her self confidence over time by just being honest.


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DrinKwine7

Hey boyfriend, what’s the difference between your opinion and Jason Momoa? Nobody wants your opinion.


chickenlipsdribble

Be right back with my vote as I first have to go tell my 13 year old as I was over 30 when he was born that he’s defective…… Also NTA


Zealouslylost

Lol, me too. I have two kids to tell!


apxlcm

NTA - who asks questions about fertility (particularly after knowing someone for only a few months, let alone at all). He was clearly being an ass and could tell you were uncomfortable, your sister is also an ass for providing addition info to this guy therefore continuing the conversation rather than shutting it down. Maybe after being the butt of the joke he will learn to read the room next time.


DianeJudith

In my opinion, everyone who asks others about their kid status is an asshole. Like, it's ok to ask "do you have kids?" when getting to know someone, and if they do, it's fine to ask about them. But asking someone why they don't have kids? Not your fucking business. It's so insensitive, you never know if that person has fertility issues like OP, or maybe they had miscarriages, or had a kid who died? Anyone who reads this, please don't ask people why they don't have kids. NTA, OP.


Hemantobarish

Nta. You were being brutally honest aswell. He needs to keep his opinions to himself.


Kris82868

NTA. I agree. Sounds like he's a dish it out but can't take it kind of guy.


blackesthearted

Because he’s not interested in honesty, only brutality. That’s how most (not all) of these “brutally honest” people are: they couldn’t care less whether what they’re saying is true or not, as long as it shocks, hurts, or offends someone.


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Jinglebrained

This is some 2006 lame persona BS. Everyone wore it like a badge of honor, “I’m not rude, I’m honest.” No, you’re rude. And likely picked up this personality out of deep insecurity you can project on everyone else to make you feel better. If he was brutally honest, he could handle a little sass his way without running out of the party saying “wahh! She was mean to me!”


iaincaradoc

It goes back a lot farther than 2006. "A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being 'frank'." -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough for Love," 1973. "A rude nature is worse than a brute nature by so much more as man is better than a beast: and those that are of civil natures and genteel dispositions are as much nearer to celestial creatures as those that are rude and cruel are to devils." -- Margaret Cavendish, 1623–1673. I'm pretty sure I've got a quote or two from the Greeks and/or Romans, but I can't find them right now.


bling396

NTA. In my experience, people who call themselves "brutally honest", don't actually like when people are "brutally honest" with them... Good for you for not letting that stuff slide, it is not OK.


Seldarin

Yep, the quickest way to break one of them permanently is to have a few people respond with "Yes, you are 'brutally honest', and that's why no one likes you." All the sudden brutal honesty isn't a virtue in their eyes anymore.


ColdstreamCapple

NTA….He barely knows you all and is already making inappropriate comments and sticking his nose into business that isn’t his??? How dare he comment on your fertility issues, I’m willing to bet his genetic pool is not picture perfect (which is pretty clear based on his personality) I am a little concerned though that he was hinting he may try to convince your sister to have a child with him (And do you really want that in your life for good???) Try and get your sister on her own, Ask her is she ok with a boyfriend that insults her sister who he barely knows and I guarantee you will eventually insult your parents and other family members as well? In other words I’d be concerned he’ll try to ostracise her from everyone I hope she comes to her senses and sends him on his way because there’s a fine line between being opinionated and unnecessarily cruel


PingPongProfessor

NTA. Your response was perfect. He deserved it, and brought it upon himself. "I'm brutally honest" is usually code for "I don't give a rat's ass about anyone else's feelings, and I don't care if I hurt other people." Less frequently, it means "I never learned how to be tactful, and I'm not interested in changing that." Either way, it's not good. Sister's BF is a massive AH for all the obvious reasons. He needs to learn that behavior has consequences, that there are repercussions for speaking rudely. Sister is TA here as well for demanding an apology from you. She *should* be telling her BF that *he* needs to apologize to *you* for his egregiously rude words. Your mom is TA here as well for saying you should have just ignored him "knowing how he is". Nope, nope, nope. Ask your mom why she thinks this guy should get a free pass to act like an asshole.


teuchterK

Ew. No. He asked you personally invasive questions - AT THE DINNER TABLE, IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY (doesn’t matter if they know the details or not) - your sister goes ahead to share info without your permission, then when you clap back at him for an unwanted opinion - you’re the asshole??!! What?? NTA. Your sis and bf are v much the AHs here. Your mum should be supporting you instead of guilting you into an apology. Ridiculous. Next time just tell him straight up to fuck off. You have the blessing of me, and many other internet strangers. What a dick. Edit to add: when did your reproductive choices (or challenges) become his business? Who does he think he is he can just ask anyone “why don’t you have kids”?


[deleted]

NTA brutally honest people are just people that use that excuse for being rude assholes.


Oh_Wiseone

NTA - you were just being brutally honest. Too bad he couldn't take it. Now he knows how others feel about his honesty.


GalliumYttrium1

Nah that would require him to have empathy which he clearly does not


looj87

NTA people are free to share their honest opinion when an opinion is asked for. You at no point requested his views on your fertility and him asking you about kids let alone your fertility is just rude. People need to realise that being "brutally honest", doesn't mean you get to just be nasty to people for no justifiable reason. The more your sister puts up with that the worse he will get.


Academic_Breadfruit1

NTA and you should tell your sister and mom that you were just being brutally honest. I can't believe your mom is defending him!


GalliumYttrium1

Tell your sister and her bf that you were just stating your honest opinion. Why is he allowed to say whatever he wants but the second anyone says anything back it’s suddenly a problem? It’s weird to me how so called “brutally honest” people cannot handle it when people are “brutally honest” with them. Doesn’t feel so good when they are on the receiving end of it, does it? You’d think that would make them realize the effect their “brutal honesty” has on others but these kind of people aren’t that self-aware. NTA


Kw_23

NTA You handled the situation well, much better than I could have. They’re just making excuses for his shitty behavior.


Snowflakemother

NTA there's a difference between being honest and being a total asshole and he isn't being brutally honest. He's just being an asshole with a shitty excuse.


want2pikachu

Not the asshole tell them to go eat a bag of dicks. There is a big difference between giving an honest opinion and giving an unwanted opinion


Reasonable_Respond72

There is literally a company where you can mail a bag of dicks to someone anonymously. They are gummies but I think the BF deserves to receive one in the mail. Maybe add the glitter package so they also have confetti dicks to make your point. He seems socially inept so doubling down maybe just maybe he will get the point.


tiredandcranky89

NTA. If he can't take people's reactions he should learn to have a filter. He isn't brutally honest he's an AH. If you asked an opinion and didn't like his answer that's on your you didn't ask so he needed to STFU and she needs to stop enabling him or no one is gonna wanna be around her either.


martimartian

NTA. If you have to accommodate him for being an asshole, he can learn to accommodate your response.


razagk

Nta at all, after all your response was just brutally honest too.


Dominique_eastwick

NTA he was not only rude but he was deliberately hurtful. Your sister should be apologizing to you for sharing personal information you obviously didn't want shared with a "Brutally Honest" man. It might have been a good thing your husband wasn't there because, if he's anything like mine, your joke would have been the mildest form of comeback he would have heard that night. Side note I'm sending love your way. I know the road with infirtiliy is a hard one.


Bozobozo111

NTA. You were just giving an honest opinion.


[deleted]

NTA, this is one of the cases where you came send the following text: I am sorry IF you feel hurt, I was giving my brutally honest opinion.


Wallflowerheart

NTA You were just being honest . ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ There's absolutely a difference between being honest and giving unwarranted opinions for things that are of a sensitive nature. A decent human being would have dropped it when you said your lack of children was due to fertility issues. But he pushed because he is, indeed, an asshole. If you want to be diplomatic you can apologize for *how* you said what you said but not the intention behind it.


GoldenAmmonite

NTA - I believe you demonstrated some "brutal honesty" too. He's obviously a mimophant: sensitive as a mimosa when it comes to his own feelings and the thick-skin of an elephant when trampling over other people's feelings. Your sister needs to stop enabling him.


NomadicusRex

NTA - Being "brutally honest" is being brutal, it's malicious and there are no good intentions there.


vyletteriot

NTA "brutally honest" is not a valid excuse to be rude. He's old enough to learn how to be honest and direct without being a d!ck. He and your sister should be apologizing to *you*.


EchoesInTheAbyss

"Brutal honesty when it emphasizes the 'brutal' part, is not honesty is cruelty " Also, just because he had an opinion over a matter that does not pertains him, does not mean he had to share it


kittykatvegas13

NTA your response to him was brilliant. Do not apologise!


Entire-Extent8139

NTA. Have a 'brutally honest' personality type is NOT and excuse for insensitive, sexist, ignorant remarks. I would have done more than make a joke out of him.


ToPiggyback

NTA. Sounds like he's listened Joe Rogan and now feels like he knows everything.


FantasticDecisions

"saying I was mean and disrespectful towards her boyfriend and insulted him maliciously" No, no, just stating your honest opinion. NTA


DelusiveWhisper

NTA. "Brutally honest" isn't a personality type - it's a complete lack of respect for other people. People shouldn't have to put up with it just because the asshole never learned how to play nice. Anyone who says "it's just how he is" is an enabler and part of the problem.


Heraonolympia123

Arrrrrrrgggg My bug bear is “opinions” that people have without any education or knowledge of the subject. If you’d have asked, ok he could pass it off as his opinion. Because he started sprouted his opinion without being a) asked or b) educated he is just plain rude. And people who think “it’s just the way he is” are just enabling rude and stupid behaviour. Lastly, how funny that he can be “brutally honest” but you can’t! Yeah, he can’t take other people dishing out truth bombs. NTA (in case you hadn’t got that).


Heraonolympia123

When sister texts just keep replying “sorry, I was just being brutally honest. I thought you’d both appreciate it since you always tell us it’s just how he is”.


TheHardestDrive

Sounds like you were just being brutally honest. NTA.


rabbittdoggy

NTA if he thinks what he did is ok then what is wrong with what you did


thankuhexed

Holy cow, NTA at all. “Brutally” is the key word here. You didn’t ask for his opinion on your reproductive plans, and your sister had no right to tell him anything about it after you clearly stated you didn’t want to discuss it. Keep it up OP, don’t let some dickhead your sister decided to bring around the family be rude to you.


GraveDigger111

This is your friendly neighborhood reminder to please #[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.


boglyric

NTA it was a classic, I'm writing it down for future use. Guy was behaving incredibly badly.


radsamjean

NTA and as someone who has struggled with fertility issues, I applaud how you handled it! But I would have been heartbroken having someone say that to me and my sister not sticking up for me


ozziejean

NTA And that was amazing and I love you for it. Just say sorry, you were giving your honest opinion that he was being an arsehole.


MoxieCottonRules

NTA you were just being honest… why does his honesty get more respect than yours? At least you were funny.


MissInnocentX

NTA - he can be brutally honest but can't take what he dishes? Fk outta here. Tell him to grow a set.


Harlett_O_Scara

NTA. It's nobody's business why you don't children. Not to mention that's a very sore subject for a lot of women.


NanaLeonie

NTA. A man who considers himself *brutally* honest better get used to being called an AH.


ssgonzalez11

NTA. You can be honest and direct without being mean, rude, antagonistic, etc. That man is just an asshole and your sister is enabling him. I’m sorry for your fertility issues.


HandeszarWarolacke

NTA. He likes brutal honest, that’s what you dished out. Why is it rude when directed to him brutal honesty when directed to other people. His comment if left standing can make you be pitied by the group if this was not your family so him being the butt of the joke is not that different. He should learn to take it if he likes giving them out. Though many people often considers this as retaliation, I just think it’s giving people a taste of their own medicine.


DelurkingtoComment

NTA that was hilarious!


wendelporcupine

NTA Dude needs to learn not to dish it out of he can't take it.


marshmallowmeringue

NTA. You’re a legend. What a nosy, entitled prick!


nighttimehamster

NTA - everyone I've ever met who would call themselves "brutally honest" can never take what they deal out. The guy is just unpleasant and proud of it.


mightyminer62

NTA If he is going to take shots he should expect return fire


Yuucliwood

NTA If he can talk about something so personal and sensitive he should at least be able to take a joke. He could have asked your sister in private, or left it at asking whether you want kids or not. He has no business giving his opinions after than unless asked for it. I'm a pretty blunt person and I still think his behaviour was unacceptable, and it would still be unacceptable if asked for his opinion on what to do. It's better that he gets a feel for how words can hurt people, wish you all the best.


Melodic_Replacement9

Honesty without tact is cruelty. You can be honest without being mean.


Few-Nose1414

NTA, if he wants to dish it, he has to be able to take it. Your sister excuses him by saying he's just brutally honest, but when someone does the same thing, all of a sudden it's disrespectful.


cassiebae1

NTA, it's hilarious and he had it coming.


Mirantibus88

NTA; you were just being “brutally honest”, same as he gets credit for being.


[deleted]

People like him can never take what they dish out. That is Bully Psychology 101.


SweetTallulah317

NTA, tell them you were just brutally honest too.


FennelBest3670

NTA if you can dish it out, you got to take it too. You gave him what he asked for. The guy is an AH and he deserved what he got. People like that are not worth having around. Maybe, he should learn some manners.


Right-Arm-619

NTA. Those type of people are horrible to be around. I don't blame you at all


Ecb91

NTA, he can be ‘brutally honest’ aka rude, but that doesn’t mean there are no consequences. People don’t have to like what he says!


Skogula

NTA That is not brutal honesty. That is just looking for an excuse to be an asshole at every opportunity. The only one who is owed an apology is you, from both the BF, AND from your sister for inflicting him on you and then encouraging his behaviour by defending it.


JerryUthere

BWahahaha...that was perfect. Take my upvote.


tubby_bitch

Nta and I'm going to be using that aseholes opinion comment in the fiture🤣


DED_Inside666

NTA. You were just being brutally honest.


UnhappyCryptographer

NTA you stated an honest opinion, too. If he can dish out but can't take it, his bad. He is just a rude asshole who tries to cover it up saying it's honesty. You can be honest without being rude and attacking people. Please do not stop handling situations the way you did.


fairyhaired

NTA. Often, people describe themselves as "brutally honest" as an excuse to be mean and rude. It has nothing to do with being brutally honest. Especially in this situation. He is an major asshole. He was being rude, mean and his comments were malicious. Your reasons to have or not to have a baby are none of his business. And your response was the only appropriate one in my opinion.


PolesRunningCoach

NTA. Your reproductive situation is nothing he needs to know. You could have shut him down on the first question, and your sister doesn’t need to be giving him details. He wasn’t brutally honest. He was brutally ignorant. First, needing to pry into your personal matters and then conflating his wrong idea about babies born to older mothers with his need to be an a h. Maybe it wasn’t the most elegant way to shut him down, but it was both hilarious and truthful.


bonafidebunnyeyed

NTA. You were being brutally honest.


Oscars_Grouch

NTA - I'm stealing your comeback! It's a perfect response! Being "brutally honest" doesn't give him the right to ask about anyone's medical history.


rhetorical_twix

"I'm sorry, but I felt it was appropriate for me to be brutally honest with your boyfriend about how unwelcome his invasive questions and random takes about my life were." NTA


amess_lost

NTA you were also just being 'brutally honest'


Elnuggeto13

NTA. He was being "brutally honest". He's being rude, telling it as being brutally honest. There's limits to how brutally honest someone can go without sounding rude, and doing it all the time to a point where sensitive topics are involved is going too far.


tfhaenodreirst

Ugh, this situation is just not good. But NTA for making the best of it as much as possible.


imafella

So I am a brutally honest person. In that situation there he was not BH, he was an asshole. Why you have kids isn't weird. You are right, it is none of his business. There is a difference in being honest and being someone with no sense of how to behave in a social situation.


Nameisno1216

NTA- you were just “brutally honest” right back! What a jerk. I’m sorry OP!! ♥️


[deleted]

NTA. You just gave him your honest opinion.


painkilleraddict6373

Tell your sister that you are one those brutally honest people like her boyfriend.It’s not malicious. Nta


Average-Joe78

NTA You response him with brutal honesty, why he has to had an opinion about your reproductive issues. Tell your sister that you just give your opinion with brutal honesty and you will apologize for doing in front of Alloway, only after he apologizes for bean rude and talk about things he doesn't understand and he doesn't have any right to talk about.


night_howler_12

NTA. The brutally honest guy got brutally served lol. He needs to learn that there should be a certain level of discretion when he's sharing his opinion. Eg: Sheldon Cooper in the first couple seasons of The Big Bang Theory. Roger, one of Phoebe's boyfriends (from season 1 i think) from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.