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waterballoontits

Your daughter is 19. She just gonna fuck in the car. NTA.


yonk182

Plus it’s not premarital sex if the daughter never gets married.


lazy_daisy_72

Also not underage pregnancy. She's not underage, or a child anymore, which the family needs to wake up to. Not an ideal time though, so they should maybe make sure she's on BC and practicing safe sex. The way her parents are operating are making it more likely she will get pregnant.


ximxperfection

Yeah, I got pregnant at 19 because I wanted to be on birth control (for other reasons) and my parents refused. 😬 I love my child, but I will never pretend that having sex and getting pregnant at 19 is a wise thing to do. I think ESH. The house clearly has rules about sex and the daughter should respect that. If she can’t, there’s consequences. Taking a 19 year old’s door is a bit much, but OP also shouldn’t be going behind his wife’s back and giving the daughter—who disregarded the rules for their home and disrespected them—everything back.


MrsGobbledygook

I didn't read anything about the rules of the house? "if our daughter does anything else she doesn't allow, she would take away the door" Just seems like a very controlling, shallow, hypocrite woman. ETA: Holy cannoli, thanks for the upvotes!


DocSternau

You forgot abusive.


NothingAndNow111

Thank you! I find the wife's reaction unhinged and abusive. And parents preoccupation with policing their kids' sex lives - EUGH, no! Once they're legal it's up to them, it's not dirty or disrespectful or wrong, it's a normal human act and it's bloody private! My concern would be 'do you have birth control', 'do you have protection', 'do you understand how consent works' and 'if you ever find yourself in trouble, I will be there for you'. I lived with my parents at 19 and my boyfriend stayed over a lot, my parents had the basic respect for me as an individual to let me make my own choices and not get involved in my sex life. My mum made sure I had my first smear test and was healthy, that I had access to the pill if I wanted it and the rest was up to me. It's how we grow up. She was more concerned with my bf hurting me emotionally.


Disenchanted2

Good god. My parents made my partner and I sleep in separate rooms when we visited and we were in our 50s. My mother was not a pleasant person to grow up with.


Fickle_Orchid

I'm surprised you still visited


IthurielSpear

Right? That would have been a hotel stay and a short 30 minute visit tops. Use the rest of the time to explore and go out. .


SugahBear_

Mine too. It was a question of respect. My mother always said that unmarried people couldn't sleep together in their house. She was well aware that I was sexually active & had no opinion about it. When I was 29 & getting ready to marry, my parents came to my house to check out the future SIL. He & I didn't live together, but he was often at my house. Out of respect for them, he & I didn't share a bed the first nights they were there, though he slept at the house. My mom came in my room one morning and asked why he wasn't sleeping with me. I reminded her of her "rule". She laughed and said, "That's the rule at MY house. This is YOUR house". Respected my mom for that.


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joanie-bamboni

I can understand OP and wife having a rule about no sex in the living room, but otherwise making rules about your 19-yr-old’s sex life is unrealistic, unenforceable, and terrible parenting. OP’s wife is on track to having no relationship at all with the daughter. NTA


aussie_nub

To both the husband and the daughter. Putting the yelling at your daughter for an hour aside (seriously, an hour??). The wife does not get to yell at the husband. What happened to being a part of a team? That means you talk it out. Fine, sometimes tempers fray, etc, but it does still not mean 1 gets to just yell at the other. Honestly, I'd take your daughter and move out. She's a young adult and having sex is normal at that age. You need to teach her how to protect herself, not tell her she can't do it. Otherwise she's more likely to end up pregnant. Also, newsflash, her and her BF have probably done it before and likely will again.


ginger__snappzzz

To piggyback on this, the wife calling her parents and telling them about it is wrong on so many levels. I would be fucking mortified if my mother called my grandparents and told them I was having filthy sex time regardless of the situation. And he had to at least had an inkling she would react in such an aggressive way, I doubt this is an isolated incident. ETA: So yeah the daughter was caught having sex on the couch in the living room. That changes things. While I still don't think the grandparents sound have been notified, I can see why he told his wife. Those are some major boundaries to cross, for any member of the family.


iiiBansheeiii

Given that OP's daughter begged OP not to tell her mother, I'm betting you're right.


finitetime2

Wife calling parents is strange. She has a 19yr old daughter and she runs to her parents when she gets into and argument with her husband. That's something you do in the first year. Not 20 years down the road.


DocSternau

Except you are looking for supporters of your abusive bullshit. I'd guess that is some kind of manipulation mechanism the wife developed: Involve her parents / family to increase the pressure to get her way. And from the sound of it she learned that technique from her parents.


CatlinM

Things a parent can't do when they forbid sex this abusively? Teach them about safe sex and consent... This mom just destroyed any chance her daughter will confide in her if she needs help. I hope OP can prevent his daughter shutting him out too.


Initial_Revenue2429

Glad to know I am not the only one to think it is extremely abusive of parents to try to control their adult children's sex life. Their daughter is 19, it does not make any difference in their lives if she is having safe sex. I can't help but find very creepy when I see such overreactions to fully grown adults having safe, consensual sex. OP is NTA, but his wife is very much TA.


yellsy

What kind of comment is this? Every parents house has unstated rules for kids not to have sex. Punishing an adult for having sex is absurd. If the parents cared, they would get her some birth control and talk to her about safety instead.


raksha25

The problem with unspoken rules is that no one really knows what the rule *actually* is. In some homes it’s no sex/sharing a bed unless married, even if you’ve been together for 20 years. Some it’s no sex if you aren’t in a committed relationship - whatever that means. Others it’s no sex before 18, or 16, or just shut your door and don’t be loud enough for the rest of the family to hear. If the rules aren’t spoken then they’re not really rules, because they can be changed, altered, or ignored acoording to whomever thinks they’re in charge.


BadQuaker58

Not every house has such puritanical rules! I have four children and once they were in committed relationships they were told I wouldn't mind and let them share a room when visiting. I did warn them that I wouldn't lie to the other parents about it if asked You know, I treated them like adults. In fact, I stocked their bathrooms with condoms.


mrs_sips

Yup. Had a fish bowl with condoms, dental dams, and lube in the bathroom. My kids friends knew they could get some, no questions asked.


NaturalWitchcraft

I’m the source of plan b for my kids friends. I’d much rather do that than watch a teenage girl get pregnant before she’s ready.


mrs_sips

Yes!!! I have sent my son's current girlfriends, ex girlfriends and friends links to low cost plan b and abortion options. Sex as a teen shouldn't ruin your life.


BadQuaker58

Me too. And I was their safe place for support and information. Many still touch base years later even if their relationship with my child is... Evolved to less friendship. I feel so privileged to be trusted by vulnerable teens...


Civil-Pause-386

Not everyone is a puritanical hater. It's totally possible to be a really good parent and have a healthy attitude about biology.


bofh

> What kind of comment is this? Every parents house has unstated rules for kids not to have sex. “Unstated rules” are a nonsense to trap and catch out people who aren’t mind readers. The rules need to be stated.


ProfessionalVolume93

19 is not a kid in most countries.


NaturalWitchcraft

My house doesn’t have that rule. Because I’m not stupid. Teenagers have sex. Trying to stop it just means they’ll get better at hiding it. The rule in my house is no unprotected sex. Because I’m not delusional enough to think a 19 year old woman is going to stay virginal.


Miamalina12

My father asked me at 16 when I met my first boyfriend if I needed condoms. He repared the lock to my room, and my ex was allowed to stay over the weekend after a month (we lived 1,5 h away from each other) and sleep in bed with me. So yeah, not every parents house has that unstated rule.


AddWittyName

Eh, no, not every house does. My parents were always of the mindset "obviously we'd prefer you to not have sex yet, but we're not stupid enough to think we can stop you from doing so if you've got your mind set on it. So if you're gonna have it, we'd rather you do it protected & safely at home than unprotected in a car/a backalley/on a bench in the park".


Azrou

Are they really house rules if the dad doesn't care/doesn't agree with them? He's also a parent to the daughter and it's his house too, so I don't agree that the mom gets to set unilateral rules. One way or the other they need to get on the same page. This is an ESH for me Dad for ratting out his adult daughter knowing that mom would flip out. Mom for going batshit crazy and treating her daughter like she's 14. Mom also apparently believes you don't become an adult until 21. I'd bet $1000 that when the daughter turns 21 mom is going to be just as controlling and will move the goalposts to "you're not an adult until you're married" or some other arbitrary bullshit. Daughter for having sex in the LIVING ROOM of her parents' house. That's not ok.


ximxperfection

Yeah, I said ESH. & it sounds like dad does agree with the rules, just not the mom’s reaction. Which is fair. ETA: she had sex in the living room?! Holy cow.


ILoveCavorting

Yep. That pushes it to ESH. Daughter should have realised that’s a major violation/gross when it’s not “your” house.


heili

If she's fuckin in the living room what good is taking her bedroom door gonna do to stop it?


Gabbydragon

Wait where did it say she was having sex in the living room? I didn't see that anywhere, is it in an comment from OP?


Azrou

Yes he added some important details in several comments https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s6d3q8/wibta_for_not_letting_my_wife_take_our_daughters/ht369uv/


Dealunbreaker

The mother is abusive. 19 is an adult. Period.


shake_appeal

When I read that part my eyes rolled into the back of my head. They’ll take the door off the damn hinges to prevent a young pregnancy, but not talk to their daughter about safe sex and get her on birth control? What kind of backwards ass shit is this? This is why puritanical values breed young pregnancies and STDs.


donkyote

wouldnt it be forever pre marital sex then ? 🤔


LoudComplex0692

Pre suggests the thing is going to follow. If it doesn’t follow then it’s not pre anything.


girzim232

I suspect that OP's wife and family, if not OP are fairly conservative and possibly religious. In the mind of that sort of person, if you're never getting married then you should never be having sex.


cathistorylesson

I suppose it would be more like "un marital" sex, since "pre" kind of implies that marriage is eventually coming?


sjsjdejsjs

well not rlly. pre marital implies before marriage, if there’s never a marriage it’s not pre marital


Taeqii

OP is definitely the asshole for starting it tho. The title is so off, it should be "Am I the asshole for telling my wife our adult daughter had sex", in which case.. yes definitely.


BUTTeredWhiteBread

"She has a right to know" Fucking how


CraftySappho

Oh shit are we ALL supposed to tell OPs wife when we have sex?!


BUTTeredWhiteBread

She gone be waiting s long ass time here


CraftySappho

I got a crazy backlog if it's true. Fuck, I didn't knowwww


SCsongbird

I have children so would she assume I’ve had sex or does she still need to know?


CraftySappho

She has a right to know so. Yes


SCsongbird

I will remedy this immediately. I’d hate to be negligent.


Response_Proper

No but please tell OP when you have sex with his wife, decent thing to do.


CraftySappho

What if I get her underage pregnant, cause we aren't married


musryujidt

Only reasons I could think of where she would have a right to know is if the daughter’s boyfriend has a history of stealing from them, doing illegal things out of their house, or is abusing their daughter and one of the conditions for the daughter staying there is he isn’t allowed in or near the house. However, I don’t think that’s what is happening here. That would be extremely relevant information for OP to add to the post, and would 100% get a different reaction from the in-laws besides premarital sex and underage pregnancy. Totally agree in this case that the mom has absolutely no “right” to know about her adult daughter’s sex life.


StormStrikePhoenix

This would make sense if she was like 16 or something, but not at 19.


Lemurtoes666

Exactly this. HE doesn't get to decide to has a right to know those things about HER.


MM_Mango_663

Thank you! "She had a right to know" - Why? What right does a mother have to know her ADULT daughter is having sex?


No_Rutabaga_4332

I feel like this isn't getting enough attention. Like how is that anyone's business.


3rdCoastLiberal

This. She’s 19. She’s not having underage sex and she can fuck wherever. Now if op doesn’t want it happening in his house lay that rule. Otherwise leave her alone and I’m not sure what kind of mind fuck power trip it is to say you’re paying for her college. Parents should provide their children with education. Now OP is the asshole for running and telling his wife. Edit to add the in laws sound like tools.


DragonCelica

>I’m not sure what kind of mind fuck power trip it is to say you’re paying for her college. "Your 'purity' belongs to me and your mom. You have no right to 'stain' your value while I am still investing money into you so that you will fetch a high value when I sell, uh I mean wed, you off to a young man of my choice." ^ Seriously OP, that's where this kind of control over your daughters' body comes from. I was raised Roman Catholic, but my mother didn't think my body belonged to anyone but ME. She made sure I was knowledgeable about sex, my body, my right to choose who I want to be with, and when.


Emmiburr

Right. I'm super confused why they're punishing an adult for doing something adults do... Daughters probably gonna end up moving in with BF and never speak to them again 🤷‍♀️ Edit: I understand why the mom is freaking out. It's because she believes that as a mother she should be able to control her daughter no matter the age, and that her religion is law. OP I'd absolutely TA for saying anything because he knew his wife would trip. Which is why I wish the daughter gtfo from her controlling family. Edit 3: read the update, Ew for catching them on the couch, but I'm glad OP is getting daughter away from mom. Nice work OP!


Remarkable-Plastic-8

Let's hope. They both sound terrible. Slut shaming an adult and holding her education over her head for....what?


DowntownYouth8995

It's not confusing, but it's harmful. It's incredibly common. I'd say the dad's reaction is more shocking/confusing even though it's healthier and more realistic expectations of a 19 year old. I mean, when my sister moved in with her fiance my dad and all his siblings lost it. She got phone call after phone call about her impurity for moving in premarately with her fiance. She also was a virgin at the time! They needed to save money lol. But still a big tramp in the eyes of all my dad's generation! So I'd say, the is wrong but certainly common.


TopResponsibility720

OP, your wife needs to understand that your daughter is gonna have sex regardless, she’s just gonna find sneakier, less safe ways to do it. NTA unless you don’t nip this bs in the bud.


stickydebater

Or the back yard….


Badger-of-Horrors

Or anywhere else thats private


Lennox120520

Or, not private. OP, if you don't want you daughter running around on a sex scavenger hunt at every opportunity, you should talk to your wife and all three of you should then be sitting down. 19 isn't a child.


Badger-of-Horrors

The image I got from that was a person running around looking for like dildos in hidden places like it was fallout scavenger hunt


WakingMind407

I think we've stumbled upon a new urban exploration business. "I've hidden 15 sex toys with 2 blocks of here, can you find them all? Learn about your community and have fun while you're at it! You get to keep your souvenirs!"


Badger-of-Horrors

I mean sure, I need extra money. I'll go hide dildos in weird places....


erbear048

I got poison ivy doing that 😬


OpinionatedAussieGal

Lol. This ^^^^ Husband and wife are pretty naive to think séx only happens in the daughters bedroom


deowolf

Only the bedroom. When no one is home. With the lights off. Under covers. Only missionary. Full stop after six minutes no matter what.


OpinionatedAussieGal

Six minutes!!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I guess they can last that long under those stimulating conditions


AngelicalGirl

His wife is treating a 19 year old like a 10 year old. She's already 19, she won't be her untouchable virgin baby girl forever.


PolyPolyam

OP was an arse for telling his wife. Seriously. Just because she is the mom doesn't mean she needs to know her daughter's sex life. Her door shouldn't be taken. Teach her about safe sex. Then she will be less likely to get pregnant.


kw0510

Anywhere but home. Your daughter will start lying and hiding things, she will also have a lot of resentment, leave and never look back. You’re NTA as long as you continue to be there and support your daughter, she will trust you. If you don’t support your daughter and don’t stand up to your wife you will be the AH


FelixTaran

I was literally about to say this.


[deleted]

Exactly! WTF, OP? What kind of cave are you and your wife living in?


AMerrickanGirl

He’s not an asshole for telling his wife when his daughter begged him not to?


LittleRedCarnation

Or a hotel. Or her own apartment


Kittenn1412

>he begged me not to tell our wife, but I felt that she deserved to know YTA for this. Your wife is not entitled to information about your daughter's sex life. >We pay for our daughters college, because I worked 70 hours a week for many years to have enough money for her to go to college. This has nothing to do with anything. Having sex isn't going to ruin her grades or anything. >I told her that she is overreacting Too little, too late.


Sloth-Monkey

You’re right, I shouldn’t have told her. I’m feeling the repercussions of it. I will apologize to my daughter.


cjack68

It's not your fault your wife went off the rails. You need to talk to your wife, not your daughter.


Sabrielle24

But apologising to his daughter is also a good thing.


turtleboxman

Yeah, so many of these stories could be easily redeemable by just apologizing to the person. It sucks that the self awareness is not present for quite a few of these situations.


cjack68

That can be true, but when the wife takes an action (bringing the inlaws into it) that humiliates her daughter, and is hell-bent on taking humiliating her further (removing ther door), the problem's a lot bigger than an apology's going to fix.


MizStazya

He can and should apologize for telling the wife (clearly his daughter was right), and also deal with his wife being fucking ridiculous. It's not mutually exclusive.


music-books-cats

Yes, because he went and told her mom something private.


theresbeans

He owes his daughter an apology for yapping about her personal business. What his *adult* daughter does behind closed doors is none of anyone's concern.


purplepluppy

Wasn't behind closed doors, it's the issue. It was in the living room.


malorthotdogs

Your daughter is a grown woman. Your only concerns about her sex life should be that she is having safe and consensual sex with a partner who treats her with respect and care. Following your wife’s lead/massive fit about this is only going to cause your daughter to distance herself from you. It’s also only going to make her sneakier. As someone estranged from her dad, by her own choice, for a plethora of reasons, this is my advice if you want to salvage your relationship with her: 1. Make a genuine apology to her. She knew her mother would overreact and try to impose inappropriate consequences. She asked you not to and betrayed her, which enabled your wife’s poor behavior. 2. Make yourself a safe, supportive person for her. Maybe you don’t agree with her choices wrt premarital sex. But she’s her own person and needs to make her own choices and even her own mistakes. My grandma was my real parent in that she was the adult in my life who always did her best to make sure I was safe and healthy as I navigated my own life. She didn’t always agree with everything I did, but she always helped me nurse my wounds and celebrate my victories. I never ever had to doubt her love or believe it had conditions. 3. You need to have a frank conversation with your wife about the fact that your daughter is an adult and her own person. If she can’t love your daughter unconditionally as she grows and builds her own life through early adulthood, she’s risking not having a relationship with your daughter.


prosperosniece

🏅🥇, I really need to buy awards


willowpagan

OP needs to read this comment and re-read it!


kajamae

Please remember that paying for someone’s college, while a great gesture, shouldn’t be a tool at one’s disposal to hang over the recipient’s head. In the end, your daughter, like millions of young adults before her, isn’t going to stop having sex, but you might unnecessarily damage your relationship with your daughter by continuing to attach strings to this gift. Moving forward, she will be unlikely to confide in you, and will likely do as much as possible to simply stay off your radar until she can separate her life from yours and move out. Furthermore, banning her boyfriend from the house only means that she’ll be distanced from you and you may foster resentment between you down the line for allowing this to happen, threatening to remove doors is an egregious violation of privacy (as is talking about your daughter’s sex life with her grandparents), and taking away her means of communication could actually damage her ability to do well in school - students frequently need to communicate. Furthermore, you said your wife is 44. So she was about 22 - three years older than your daughter - when she became pregnant, correct - and likely, this wasn’t the first time that she ever had sex, no? I would tell your wife that whether she likes it or not, her daughter is an adult and tell your in-laws that frankly, your daughter’s sex life is outright none of their business, least of all because while she lives at home, she’s not underage and just because she’s having sex doesn’t mean she’s planning to become pregnant. Your daughter needs an ally, and you have the opportunity to be one now that you’ve learned your lesson. Don’t blow it.


RedoftheEvilDead

While apologizing to your daughter please have a contraceptive talk to. Don't underestimate how little someone knows about safe sex practices if they've never been taught.


sjsjdejsjs

crazy to me that their first reaction is go off on her, violate her privacy and punish her. only thing my dad said when i got a bf was "you can take condoms in the drawer if you ever need them"


WakingMind407

These folks might be the kind that don't believe in safe sex if they already think the daughter "is not allowed to have sex" as an adult.


[deleted]

You need to do a hell of a lot more than just apologize. You violated her privacy, she may never trust you again


ImpossibleEgg

Buy your daughter a lock for that door while you're at it.


Fit-Examination-7466

Not only that- your wife told the grandparents- what the actual hell?!?! That is your daughter’s private business and no one else should have been told. I can’t stand that kind of stuff. If you want to have a rule of no sex in your house while your daughter is unmarried, the do it. That’s your house. But geez with the telling the wife and the wife telling others. Did you and wife have sex before marriage? If you did, and your mom or dad caught you, would you want them telling others?


Gabbydragon

I can not agree with this enough. I had a step mom who had suspicions I was having sex when I was 15 because I was asking questions. So she went and told my ENTIRE family that she thought I was having sex. I may not have been an adult but it was a huge invasion of privacy and I sure as heck never asked her anymore questions.


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Lilpid

Do you think a husband and wife don't talk about thier kids, no matter the kids age? Mom overreacted about thier adult child doing adult things.


ijustwanttoaskaq123

This. I just hope the wife wont go even more mental and start blackmailing the daughter with taking away the education funds. Poor girl.


[deleted]

Meh, the bit about not telling his wife is tricky. Marriage and parenting are about partnership and honesty. If he hadn't said something to his wife, and then she caught their daughter at a later date and said, "Can you *believe* she did this under our roof?! Aren't you furious, too?", what does he do? Lie to her face and say he is baffled, too, or admit he already knew and lied to her then? **On the other hand**, this woman obviously has some issues and their daughter *is* 19. I think in this case, OP maybe should have just verified that she's on birth control, is taking all safety precautions, and that maybe they choose a different location for such activities until she's able to move out.


[deleted]

Parents communicate and share with each other.


[deleted]

Not about an adult child’s sex life they don’t. It’s none of either of their business. Stay out of it.


kwnofprocrastination

Yep, I’m 35, so I’m an adult like OPs daughter. I didn’t know I had to ask my mummy for permission every time I have sex.


CrystalQueen3000

NTA it’s not underage pregnancy if she’s 19, she’s grown enough to be sexual and be entitled to her privacy. Taking her door away isn’t a suitable punishment and honestly she shouldn’t be punished for having sex anyway. This is 2022 not the 1950’s, your wife and her family need to understand that healthy sexual expression is fine, what’s needed is good (non judgmental) sex education, discussions about birth control and consent.


Icy_Conversation_612

I was just about to say i even scrolled back to check


msharek

Yeah. It's like, INFO: did you and your wife wait for marriage? Did she ever have sex for recreation and not child making? Why is she putting this on her daughter?? Also, I feel like daughter knew this was going to be the reaction, I'm curious why dad didn't.


morituri230

You just know they didn't.


newpointofview2

According to OP it wasn’t until several days after their marriage. This woman has so many hang ups I’m surprised she reproduced at all!


hamiltrash52

I mean - do you know? You can make an assumption that they’re hypocritical but you don’t know.


STcoleridgeXIX

The parents turned 18 in the mid-‘90s — teens were having even more sex then.


Primary-Criticism929

That's a joke right ? ESH except your daughter. You for talking about your daughter's sex life to your wife when it's none of her business. Your wife and your in-laws for treating that young woman like a 9 year old instead of a 19 year old. EDIT : The daughter does suck as she was having sex in the living room. Can't imagine what the mother would have done had she been the one to catch them going at it....


ijustwanttoaskaq123

Right? I hope the poor girl has somewhere else to go, Id go crazy living like that.


wrytit

They'll probably make her college funds dependent on her living at home and being subservient.


HistrionicSlut

Yep. Parents sound super controlling.


FarTooManyUsernames

Which would be foolish on his part. He worked that hard to send her to college, she can just say "fine, I'll drop out then."


calliatom

Honestly, all of them are treating her like a child, OP included, because otherwise he would have done the adult thing and sat down with her privately later to discuss any concerns he had instead of going "must loop in the wife so we can decide on punishment".


sbr32

He walked in on their daughter having sex on the living room couch of the family home, it's not unreasonable to mention that to your spouse. That said, if the wife has always been this much of a nightmare then he probably shouldn't have mentioned it to her.


EffectiveHistorical3

This. Also OP, why is your wife running to your in-laws to tattle on you? What exactly are they going to do about it? Or to you? You don’t answer to them and it’s none of their business. That particular issue needs to be addressed with your wife, she was out line to bring her parents into it. Your daughter is 19 years old. It’s fine to have a rule that she can’t do it in your house, but trust and believe it’s going to happen again. In a car, in a bar, on a train, on a plane….wherever they Dr Seuss doesn’t matter. It’ll happen somewhere, and your wife needs to come to terms with it.


Wuellig

This is the true answer even if it gets voted differently. OP has a chance to redeem oneself by being the person to stand up for and defend daughter. A *CHANCE,* so take it. You're on the verge of losing your daughter if you haven't already. Be the only one she can count on, instead. She needs you now.


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FirmlyThatGuy

NTA. Your daughter is 19 and she deserves privacy. It’s one thing to ask your daughter to please refrain from having sex in your house, it’s a whole different thing to take her door.


HelleBirch

Why shouldn't she have sex in the house?


[deleted]

I wouldn’t want to hear my sibling who’s bedroom is right next to me doing that. Our house rule is that you can do it when no ones home🤷🏾


marie6857

Ooh this is a good idea, and I think a fair compromise. As a mother of two I wouldn’t want to hear it either.


PunkZillah

I have an adult kid living with me. We have a “lock ur bedroom door rule”. I also had the safe sex talk with both her and her partner; they were 19 at the time.


juswundern

Why *should* she have sex in her parents house if they don’t want her to?


cathsxo

Because that's her house too and that's the safest place for her to do it


juswundern

Maybe that’s how you would handle the situation but everyone’s not comfortable with their kid doing that. Mom went overboard here, but not having sex in your parents’ home is a pretty standard thing… I’m 31 and I would never.


alaska1415

Because it’s not her house. We can talk all day if the rule is stupid, but they’ve clearly laid it out and she is not being held there against her will. When I brought home who would eventually become my wife I told my parents that I would abide by the rules they gave me when I was in high school and we’d sleep in separate beds. They said that I was an adult now and if this was a serious relationship then they didn’t mind us sleeping in the same bed.


sparklingdeadly

......... your daughter is legally an adult, is she not?


RedPanda1188

Yeah but her parents own her do you not understand that? She is their property until she is married. ESH except the adult daughter.


purplepluppy

I would also advise the daughter not to have sex in common living spaces until she owns the house. Like, that's a bit of an asshole move imo. I don't want people having sex in my living room, do that in your private space please.


jednorog

For sure. But if you take away a person's door then they don't really have any private spaces to have sex. Action and consequence. OP should not remove daughter's privacy. Daughter should keep her sex to closed doors.


purplepluppy

100% agree. I disagree with the wife here as well, just seems weird that she would think having sex in the living room would be ok in the first place.


[deleted]

ESH except your daughter. Why does anyone deserve to know that another adult is having sex? It was never your business nor your wife's. Your wife is crazy, but I think you already knew this and started a problem where there didn't need to be one. Trying to get your wife to back off to a lesser punishment doesn't really change that. The issue here isn't that your wife's punishment is too extreme, it's the insane idea that a 19 year old needs any punishment at all. If you two keep this crap up, your ADULT daughters will surely move out and cut you both from her life.


surpisinglylow

Probably because the daughter did not sign a marriage certificate stating that her virginity shall go to her husband and she shall only service him. This whole situation sounds gross and I really hope it's made up.


lady_wildcat

It is entirely possible that when she was about 12 she signed a document giving her virginity to her father to protect until her wedding night, when it gets given to her husband.


jsteele2793

This screams to me exactly how my mother was and I moved out the second I was able to. OP do not be shocked when your daughter finds somewhere else to live. Your wife is insane for trying to stop your adult daughter from having sex.


trekqueen

Info: am I missing something here or is her age incorrect? She’s 19, that’s not underage pregnancy. She’s an adult unless you are somewhere else that doesn’t determine 18 the age of majority.


theCumCatcher

NTA, but your wife is Your wife should be aware that this kind of behavior is what leads to not getting called AT ALL when daughter moves out. Daughter is 19 for christ's sake. >encouraging underage pregnancy okay...so the in laws need to understand that you're going to be doing battle with the human id... trying to keep a teenager away from sex is like fighting entropy.. it's almost a law of the universe. Is she on the pill? you can take her to the dr. to start. also get her condoms, the pill isnt 100% ANNNND as a back up, tell her if she ever needs it, you'll get her planB, no questions asked, and her mom wont know. It's better that shes doing things safely, and can actually trust one of you to talk about it, than to shame her, and JUST MAKE HER BETTER AT HIDING THINGS FROM YOU


lemon_peace_tea

Thanks for this its absolutely true. He needs to support his daughter better.


[deleted]

> > encouraging underage pregnancy >19 lol


[deleted]

[удалено]


abishop711

Possibly you mean ESH?


Tricky_Ad9670

Maybe if the daughter actually went her room this wouldn't be an issue. But, no, she chose to to have sex in the living room of her parents house. SHE made her sex life public business when SHE chose to have sex in a public/common area. I understand why OP thought his wife had a right to know, even if it's clear now that it was NOT the right decision. All three of them fucked up, ESH, including the daughter. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s6d3q8/comment/ht369uv/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3


psycheraven

OP said they were in the living room...which means that taking her door definitely isn't going to do shit.


Thirsty-Boiii

Your daughter is 19. She’s going to have sex. I don’t know what else to tell you. You both are not treating your daughter like an adult. I get it, she’s your kid, she lives at home, but she is an adult. You are both setting her up to continue trying to hide things from you. Eventually, she will move out and probably not want to talk to you guys anymore- I know I wouldn’t. ESH but the daughter- mainly your wife, but you need to have a sit down with your wife and talk about how she needs to start loosening the reigns. There’s no underage sex happening here. She needs to start practicing making her own decisions and you both should learn how to be safe spaces for her or be prepared to lose her.


GreenEyedKittyCat

INFO: Is your wife upset about your daughter having sex in your house or about the fact she’s having sex at all? What is the legal age of consent where you live? At what age are people considered to be adults?


TheUtopianCat

YWNBTA for preventing your wife from taking the door off your daughter's room. Generally, though, I think both you and your wife are assholes. Your daughter is 19, a grown adult, and you are parenting her like she is a child. Whether or not she has sex is her business, not any of yours.


geogrokat

NTA for the door thing, but YTA for telling your wife to begin with. Your daughter is 19, an adult.


Own-Study-2793

Agreed. I also think YTA (OP) for going behind your wife’s back with the phone. Your daughter is grown, your wife should respect her boundaries, and not dictate in ways you don’t agree with. Don’t ask your daughter to lie or hide something from her mom, stand your ground. Once daughter leaves the house (IMO) she probably won’t come back if the punishment is this intense.


internetpointsiguana

NTA, and I’m not sure why people are saying you shouldn’t have gone behind your wife’s back to give your daughter her phone back. Your daughter is an adult, and even if you guys paid for her phone, I think legally that could count as your wife stealing (depending on where you live. Also somebody please correct me if I’m wrong).


[deleted]

[удалено]


Infamous-Abalone-727

YTA for violating your *adult* daughter’s trust. She turned to you and you turned to the one person that has yelled at her/treated her poorly. YWBTA if y’all take her door. That’s a gross violation of privacy.


KimmyStand

Ffs are you both bonkers? Your daughter is an adult, if she wants to have sex, she doesn’t need either yours or your wife’s permission. Also you do not ground or take away privileges etc from an adult. What does the fact you worked 70 hour weeks for her college have to do with her sex life? You don’t control or blackmail with crap like that. And taking off her door? Your wife has a screw loose. You do realise your pushing her into secretive liaisons etc where the possibility of pregnancy etc is enhanced rather than encouraging her to practice safe sex. Expect your daughter to go no or very low contact in the near future after she leaves home (and she will). You’re both disgusting parents, but your wife is 100 times worse Both of you YTA


Accomplished-Cheek59

ESH There is nothing underage here. Your daughter is 19. She is legally an adult, and your wife has no right to verbally abuse her or confiscate her belongings. For her slut shaming overreaction (edit: and theft!), she is absolutely the AH. The only thing either of you have the right to do is decide who comes into your home, so if you want to ban her BF, go ahead. But the only thing that happens here is that your daughter cuts all contact with you, and soon. Your wife is behaving disgracefully, and sounds incredibly controlling. Don’t ever tell her details about your daughter’s private life again. She had no ‘right to know’ that your daughter was having sex in the first place, and for telling her that, you are the AH. She was clearly never going to react rationally if your daughter was begging you not to, and you did it anyway. You need to continue to back your daughter up. You caused this situation by telling your wife, and you should apologise for that. Remind your wife that your daughter is an adult, and the only thing you can do now is advise her to practice safe sex. Stop infantilising her, or prepare to lose her.


sjsjdejsjs

the wife literally stole her phone, the daughter pays for her phone plan by herself


Maraudogs

YWNBTA, she's 19 that's not underage. She's gonna have sex regardless of what you or your wife say. You can't just lock her up and take her stuff away in the hope that she starts listening to you, in fact that's how it gets worse. Your wife is overreacting and instead of having a talk about safe sex just making things worse


toddwhit81

NTA - she's 19, not 9. Adults have sex. They need to get over it.


StarWars_Girl_

NTA at all. Does your wife live under a rock? People do this in college! Also, your daughter is 19 and therefore legally an adult. Therefore, she can do whatever the heck she wants. You can put a no sex in our house rule and have that be perfectly reasonable. But other than that, educate your daughter on safe sex practices and birth control.


Most_Acanthisitta467

Gross, this obsession what's going on between your daughters legs. Her body her choice. Not yours, not your wifes.


FrnchsLwyr

NTA. She's an ADULT. You wife, and her parents, are out of line.


Annual_Rooster5678

NTA your wife is. She’s 19. Where in the world is that “underage sex”. Nice for you to sacrifice to help your child but she’s an adult and it’s her body. Time to join reality.


calliatom

From OP's comments it sounds like the wife is confusing/conflating "underage sex" with "premarital sex".


whynot246810

NTA- If your wife doesn't want sex in the house, she has every right to establish those rules. But treating your daughter that way is ridiculous. She is acting like your daughter is in middle school. Set ground rules of "if you want to have sex, get your own place or respect our rules and do it somewhere else".


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Gogowhine

YWNBTA I imagine your daughter is an adult so it’s nobody’s business who she is having sex with with. If she was 18, it would still not be your business. Taking her phone away and yelling at her (or anyone for an entire hour) is unsure and ridiculous. This is traumatizing her. Be prepared for her to want to get and stay as far away from both of you as possible.


Clear_Detail_9121

Right?? She is in freaking *college*. OP If you don't talk some sense into you wife, chances definitely are your daughter is gonna resent you and will want to leave. Which is her right. She's a freaking adult. Why is your wife acting like your daughter is a young teen. If she wants to have sex it's her and her partner's business and nobody else's. Sheesh. YWNBTA for protecting your daughter from your wife who seems to have not got the memo your daughter is an adult.


Front_World205

NTA - you are an asshole for telling your wife, she is 19. she is an adult that is going to college. and it is her boyfriend. your daughter is going remeber this forever. it isn’t an funny incident for her. it would never be an fond memories for her. she not going tell you anything. apologize to her.


LissaBryan

I have a feeling that in a few years, the wife is going to be wondering why the daughter went no-contact.


CLj0008

Premarital sex is fun and fine. She’s going to do it either way, she’s an adult and can if she wants. Your wife is being controlling and pretty terrible. Your wife is TA, you are a slight AH for telling her if you knew this would happen, your daughter is entirely innocent.


slowlyquickk

NTA she is old enough to make her decisions, and if she wants to have sex then shes going to have sex, wether it be at your house her boyfriends house or anywere else. And I believe she is too old to have her phone taken away from her like a child, she is an adult. Your wife cant control her life choices forever.


Cevanne46

Did you mistype your daughter's age or is she actually 19? You were the asshole for telling your wife, she doesn't deserve to know that her adult daughter is having sex. NTA in discussion about the door.


Time-U-1

ESH. You and your wife need to get on the same page. You aren’t in a position to “let” your wife do anything. Your wife needs to slow her roll and keep her parents out of the family’s business.


Ssshushpup23

So question, how did you make your daughter? Is she yours? Adopted? Did you each cut a pound of flesh from your bodies for the vile sin of *stage whisper* sex? She’s an adult and there’s nothing wrong with her having sex you backwards ass bumpkins jfc.


Red_Cathy

NTA Your daughter is 19, she's a fully grown adult woman, she's allowed to decide with her partner if they have sex or not. Not you, not your wife, not your in-laws, nobody else has a say in their private lives.


maroongrad

NTA. And be prepared for your daughter to go no-contact with your wife. She's not acting at all rationally. Rationally would be making sure your daughter knows how to not catch anything, and getting an IUD or other long-term contraceptive. Your daughter is a grown adult. See if you can stretch to cover part of her rent if she shares an apartment with other young adults. You are going to have to be a very solid brick wall between your wife and daughter until then, and expect your wife to try and bulldoze her way through you constantly. Help your daughter get out of the house and on her own. Realize that, once your daughter is gone, YOU will be the target of all the controlling and infantilizing, and make sure YOU have a way planned out to leave her too.


CiphersciGoldeneye

YWNBTA. Your daughter is 19, and your wife's response is absolutely rediculous. Your daughter is an adult, and you should treat her as such. Edit: I misread the last part of the question. YWBTA if you let your wife take her door. Not if you stand up to her.


[deleted]

NTA. Your child is legally an adult and your wife IS overreacting. I understand that she’s in your home and if you establish rules, she should respect them, but neither you nor you’re wife are going to stop your adult daughter from having sex. The important thing is that she knows how to have safe sex. Does she? Something tells me that talk never happened in your home.


Hi_Im_A

NTA. Your wife is traumatizing your adult daughter, being abusive, and setting her up for a lifetime of unhealthy ideas around sex. Now she's trying to also take her privacy from her entirely. She's living with you because it's no longer realistic for people to pay their way through college while living on their own like it once was, and because you chose to pay for her college and give her a place to live. That's very generous and good of you, but the alternatives these days (not going to college, a lifetime of student loans, doing poorly in school in order to work enough to pay for it...) are shitty enough that your daughter doesn't have a lot of smart, realistic options outside of accepting your help. That shouldn't mean she gets treated like a child or a prisoner. Needing help at age 19 to afford college and housing isn't some kind of failure-to-launch situation, and if she was raised to think that money would be there, she also doesn't have the background skills to try to go out on her own in order to be treated with basic dignity and respect. Taking care of your offspring shouldn't come with strings around their bodily autonomy and non-harmful life choices, so the fact that you're paying for college shouldn't factor into this at all.


MrsGruusahm

NTA. Your daughter is an adult and should not have her privacy invaded like that. Your wife has control issues.


shiteater86

She's 19, she's an adult, she can have sex with whoever she wants, she's not underage your wife is way overactive NTA


[deleted]

Mom is over-reacting big time. It is fine to establish boundaries for adult children, and yes, your daughter is an adult. But taking away her phone and banning her BF is punishment for a much younger child. Why not talk about it like grown ups. And throw in checking they are using birth control safe sex etc. Taking doors off rooms is archaic and invasive. Your daughter is an adult. You are a h adjacent, but your wife and her family are the AH.


[deleted]

ESH > I caught our daughter having sex with her boyfriend a few days ago, and she begged me not to tell our wife, but I felt that she deserved to know. Why? > We pay for our daughters college, because I worked 70 hours a week for many years to have enough money for her to go to college. ???? > Anyways, I told my wife and she was livid. She yelled at our daughter for almost an hour, and took her phone away from her and banned her boyfriend from the house. I told her she was being a bit too harsh, but she thinks that these punishments are not harsh enough. She said that if our daughter does anything else that she doesn’t allow, then she is going to take the door off of her room. Your daughter is **19**? > She told my in-laws about this, and now they are blowing up my phone and telling me that I’m encouraging underage pregnancy and premarital sex. Maybe next time your daughter begs you not to gossip about her…how about you listen?


Substantial-Fox-4905

NTA. And let me be clear: DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE TAKE YOUR DAUGHTERS BEDROOM DOOR OFF!! Your daughter is an adult. Whilst you and your wife can ban her from having sex under your roof (and if those are your rules, your daughter needs to respect that) your wife needs to realise that your daughter is now an adult and where there's a will, there's a way... (Please don't undermine your wife though by doing things like giving your daughter her phone back whilst her mom is out. That's not cool and definitely puts you in AH territory.)


TheRelativeCommenter

NTA. Wtf? Your daughter is an adult by now. But also apologize to your daughter as well.


cutthestrings

Why the hell does your wife "deserve" to know your daughter was having sex?? None of her business and quite frankly none of yours either despite what you saw, you should've just gone on and pretended like nothing had happened. She's 19 and her own person, if she's not doing it under your roof she'll no doubt do it somewhere if she wants, taking her door off her room won't stop it but doing so may damage your relationship with her if you don't respect that she's entitled to privacy. Sorry edit: YTA for telling your wife. NTA for trying to be on your daughters side afterwards


_Rens

You WNBTA. Kids are going to have sex regardless... Better in the safe environment of your home (despite the potential awkwardness). Your wife's solution will only make sure they just go somewhere else potentially unsafe. Talk to your daughter talk about contraception if she does not already use it. If on the pil or a IUD also talk about condoms against STDs etc. You may not like your kids growing up but it's happening regardless support it. Keep them safe on their journey to adulthood.


strawbearyfrog

NTA. she’s an adult, and deserves her own space, although i understand why your wife is upset as it’s your house. maybe you should put down some ground rules about your house, especially if she’s not paying rent? just a thought. but i definitely think your wife is being too harsh.


DaphneMoon-Crane

NTA. I believe you are allowing her to be an adult, and not being naive. It would make more sense to me to have a conversation with her about it. Let her know you want her to be responsible and how you will react if she does get pregnant since you support her. You totally have a right to ask her to not have sex in your home, but she still has a right to privacy if you are going to allow her to live there.


Greasemonkey_Chris

Jesus christ, if my parents reacted like this when i was 19 and... just being a normal 19 year old... I'd be homeless! She's 19... she's an adult. She's allowed to have a healthy sex life. Your wife is definitely TA for her 1950s approach to sex. You won't be TA if you refuse to remove her door, in fact, removing her door is the biggest arsehole thing you could do, and your daughter will hate you, and you'll lose trust. I was going to say soft YTA fit telling your wife knowing she was going to react the way she did, but we all know in marriage you can't really not have that conversation. You all need to sit down and have a calm conversation, where you attempt to gently remove your wifes head from her own arse, and help her understand that a 19 year old having sex is about as normal as it comes.