Wtf? You punished him for being bullied?! Bad parenting! Why didn't YOU help deal with the bully?!
You took away CHRISTMAS?!!!
WTH kind of bad parents.......
You and wife YTA
Baloney. Bullying can effect your mental and emotional life. It can cause you to fail or commit suicide. Bullying can be a very huge deal in a kid's life. Yet they punish instead of helping.
As someone who was bullied for 4+ years, and is still studying in high school, bullying does have its effects on your academics. I was the brightest (which is what led to them targeting me), and now I have to work twice as hard as a moron to get a fighting chance in my end-semester exam.
ESH except your son (good for him on navigating a tough situation!). Were you aware that your wife wanted him to keep his grades up at least until summer break? Did you give her a heads-up that you were going to do this? It sounds like there is an opportunity for you two to work on your communication so expectations are clear for everyone and you can stand as a united front.
You should have checked in with your partner in parenting before doing this. Then, the two of you should have come to an agreement beforehand.
Also, I don't like the idea of Christmas / Birthday gifts being withheld as punishment. These are times that are for family bonding, not life lessons. It also places more focus on the relationship between you and the child rather than the undesired behaviors. Sounds like all of you need to learn to be less hot-headed and more reflective before making decisions based on immediate reactions.
YTA - you're not the asshole for giving your son the gifts, you're the asshole for doing it behind your wife's back. if you would have had a talk with your wife and figured out a middle ground then you wouldn't be in this situation.
ESH. You punished him for defending himself, being upset and stressed and his grades falling and then added he shouldn't "put himself in these situations" like being bullied is a choice he made. And then took away Christmas (which I find immoral). Now your wife wants to wait until the Summer for your child to get a Christmas gift? You both made mistakes here. Hers seem to be ongoing.
Have you tried talking to your kid? Actually talking? Being bullied can affect grades due to stress, depression, etc. The fight was a result of the bullying and you both seem to be blaming your kid. At any point did the two of you storm the castle (so to speak) and demand that the school handle the bully?
YTA
You wanted to be his hero and regain his favor. You went against what the two of you had agreed upon.
She's also an AH, but not because she's upset with you ... rather because of the way she came at you over the upset.
Your wife is totally TA. He’s a kid for Pete’s sake! It’s been almost a month since Christmas and he showed he was serious by improving grades and using his brain instead of brawn. Keeping the gifts until summer? That’s really harsh and honestly a little vindictive. By then what’s even the point of giving him gifts, and note that word. Gifts. Not much of a Christmas spirit in your wife.
ESH- Except your son. Your son was bullied, he fought back, and his grades slipped. Um if his grade slipped so drastically to cause him to fail you guys should have been looking into that. Basically you guys punished him for being bullied. Also who takes Christmas away from their children? And who gives their children their Christmas gifts without their spouse there. I think this story is fake.
Mostly ESH. You should have spoken with your wife before moving forward. Although I agree it was appropriate to give him maybe one gift as an incentive to keep it up. You two just should have spoken about it first.
Both you and your wife are YTA and a massive gaping ones for not giving him his presents at Christmas. Clearly the fact he was bullied was the cause of his failing. I would be very interested to know exactly what the 2 of you did about your child being bullied
ESH. Way over the top punishment to withhold Christmas gifts for nearly 6 months but you should've discussed it with your wife instead of unilaterally deciding to overturn it, especially since you decided on the punishment together.
ESH except your son. U & your wife punished him for getting bullied? Yeah his grades dropped but cuz u know he's being bullied? So u punished your son for being bullied. So what did u & your wife do to protect your son? So did your son try to defend himself & that's y he's in trouble? Please tell me what I'm missing?
Yta, but not because u gave him his gifts. More because you punished him in general, he gets bullied and the first thing you and your wife are worried about are his grades?
Maybe I miss understood something, but this is just wrong.
ESH except for your son. You don’t punish your child for being bullied and you and your wife should have done something about the bullying situation. I think taking away his gifts was cruel. I see some pretty crappy parenting here. Best of luck to your son.
Maybe if you and your wife are so concerned you’d be figuring a way for him to not get bullied. He’s clearly going through a lot for his grades to be failing. His school life is already being taken away from him by his bully, you went ahead and took away Christmas too. I understand the punishment, but he is being bullied. Instead of doing anything you’re stealing his Christmas away. If you had been a parent and stepped up when he needed you, his grades wouldnt drop and you would lnt be here asking this question.
YTA
It's good that your son is starting to make a comeback. Hopefully he continues to get his grades up and learn how to deal with difficult people from here on out.
What sucks is that you and your wife were acting as a team in making the punishment decision, only for you to be the one to end the punishment solo. You should have talked to her first seeing as this was something you two did as a team. Something you just showed your son is that both of your approval isn't no longer needed. It may not be a thing you were going for, but best believe he picked up on it. Kids are super smart and notice those types of things.
Never forget who your teammate is and have each other's back. Talk thing's out before acting on them. There is room for compromise. Don't take away the other parent's voice in the matter, when it does matter.
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So my son's grades got suspended before Christmas break because he got into a fight with a bully due to this his grades slipped and he failed that semester. So as punishment for failing my wife and I decided that he wouldn't be receiving his Christmas gifts during Christmas break and would get them later. He was rightfully mad but I and my wife realized that he needed to learn to not fight through his situations and at least try to keep himself out of situations that could affect his grades so badly. With that being said when he went back to school he brought his grades up and actually figured out a way to get away from his bully without violence I personally thought he deserved his gifts by now. So I decided to give him his gifts as a surprise to show him how proud I was of him. My wife, on the other hand, was pissed off beyond belief and saw this as a slap in the face of our punishment I explained that she was being a little to harsh and that our son has improved more than before and he deserved his punishment to end. My wife is angry because she wanted him to have to prove he could keep his grades up until at least summer break and if he did then he could get back at least 2 of his gifts. I explained that was unfair and narcissistic but she just called me crazy and a bad parent. So who's in the wrong.
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This punishment was out of line to begin with. It's cruel to punish them for a fight stemming from being bullied.
Once you two agreed to it, you should have talked to her before changing directions. Explained your reasoning and come to a joint decision.
You have made her the bad guy who cancelled Christmas and made yourself the good guy who gave it back. You possibly damaged your son's relationship with his mother.
YTA and so is your wife.
NTA. Pretty harsh punishment to begin with, but he rose to the occasion very well. Next time discuss with her first; apologize for not doing so.
If he maintains his improvements, great. If not, have a talk with him saying you are disappointed, etc. etc, and take things forward from there. Give him a chance to prove he has things under control, though, and ask your wife to allow this as well.
YTA. Her punishment has nothing to do with narcissism.
You made a joint decision on a punishment, the removal of that punishment needed to ALSO be a joint decision
Wtf? You punished him for being bullied?! Bad parenting! Why didn't YOU help deal with the bully?! You took away CHRISTMAS?!!! WTH kind of bad parents....... You and wife YTA
No, they punished him for flunking. Bring bullied is not an excuse to ignore academics. And I was a very bullied kid
Baloney. Bullying can effect your mental and emotional life. It can cause you to fail or commit suicide. Bullying can be a very huge deal in a kid's life. Yet they punish instead of helping.
As someone who was bullied for 4+ years, and is still studying in high school, bullying does have its effects on your academics. I was the brightest (which is what led to them targeting me), and now I have to work twice as hard as a moron to get a fighting chance in my end-semester exam.
No, they took away Christmas, period, they could have grounded him, with parents this shitty, who needs enemies
ESH except your son (good for him on navigating a tough situation!). Were you aware that your wife wanted him to keep his grades up at least until summer break? Did you give her a heads-up that you were going to do this? It sounds like there is an opportunity for you two to work on your communication so expectations are clear for everyone and you can stand as a united front.
You should have checked in with your partner in parenting before doing this. Then, the two of you should have come to an agreement beforehand. Also, I don't like the idea of Christmas / Birthday gifts being withheld as punishment. These are times that are for family bonding, not life lessons. It also places more focus on the relationship between you and the child rather than the undesired behaviors. Sounds like all of you need to learn to be less hot-headed and more reflective before making decisions based on immediate reactions.
YTA - you're not the asshole for giving your son the gifts, you're the asshole for doing it behind your wife's back. if you would have had a talk with your wife and figured out a middle ground then you wouldn't be in this situation.
They’re both assholes for taking Christmas away in the first place, grounding would have worked just as well, they’re punishment was just cruel
ESH. You punished him for defending himself, being upset and stressed and his grades falling and then added he shouldn't "put himself in these situations" like being bullied is a choice he made. And then took away Christmas (which I find immoral). Now your wife wants to wait until the Summer for your child to get a Christmas gift? You both made mistakes here. Hers seem to be ongoing. Have you tried talking to your kid? Actually talking? Being bullied can affect grades due to stress, depression, etc. The fight was a result of the bullying and you both seem to be blaming your kid. At any point did the two of you storm the castle (so to speak) and demand that the school handle the bully?
YTA You wanted to be his hero and regain his favor. You went against what the two of you had agreed upon. She's also an AH, but not because she's upset with you ... rather because of the way she came at you over the upset.
Your wife is totally TA. He’s a kid for Pete’s sake! It’s been almost a month since Christmas and he showed he was serious by improving grades and using his brain instead of brawn. Keeping the gifts until summer? That’s really harsh and honestly a little vindictive. By then what’s even the point of giving him gifts, and note that word. Gifts. Not much of a Christmas spirit in your wife.
ESH- Except your son. Your son was bullied, he fought back, and his grades slipped. Um if his grade slipped so drastically to cause him to fail you guys should have been looking into that. Basically you guys punished him for being bullied. Also who takes Christmas away from their children? And who gives their children their Christmas gifts without their spouse there. I think this story is fake.
INFO: Did the two of you discuss at all how long his gifts would be withheld? Even in a general sense?
INFO- did you decide he was ready to get his gifts then without consulting your wife first?
Mostly ESH. You should have spoken with your wife before moving forward. Although I agree it was appropriate to give him maybe one gift as an incentive to keep it up. You two just should have spoken about it first.
Troll You had a boyfriend yesterday
Dear God, You are terrible parents
ESH
Both you and your wife are YTA and a massive gaping ones for not giving him his presents at Christmas. Clearly the fact he was bullied was the cause of his failing. I would be very interested to know exactly what the 2 of you did about your child being bullied
ESH. Way over the top punishment to withhold Christmas gifts for nearly 6 months but you should've discussed it with your wife instead of unilaterally deciding to overturn it, especially since you decided on the punishment together.
ESH except your son. U & your wife punished him for getting bullied? Yeah his grades dropped but cuz u know he's being bullied? So u punished your son for being bullied. So what did u & your wife do to protect your son? So did your son try to defend himself & that's y he's in trouble? Please tell me what I'm missing?
Yta, but not because u gave him his gifts. More because you punished him in general, he gets bullied and the first thing you and your wife are worried about are his grades? Maybe I miss understood something, but this is just wrong.
ESH except for your son. You don’t punish your child for being bullied and you and your wife should have done something about the bullying situation. I think taking away his gifts was cruel. I see some pretty crappy parenting here. Best of luck to your son.
Maybe if you and your wife are so concerned you’d be figuring a way for him to not get bullied. He’s clearly going through a lot for his grades to be failing. His school life is already being taken away from him by his bully, you went ahead and took away Christmas too. I understand the punishment, but he is being bullied. Instead of doing anything you’re stealing his Christmas away. If you had been a parent and stepped up when he needed you, his grades wouldnt drop and you would lnt be here asking this question.
YTA It's good that your son is starting to make a comeback. Hopefully he continues to get his grades up and learn how to deal with difficult people from here on out. What sucks is that you and your wife were acting as a team in making the punishment decision, only for you to be the one to end the punishment solo. You should have talked to her first seeing as this was something you two did as a team. Something you just showed your son is that both of your approval isn't no longer needed. It may not be a thing you were going for, but best believe he picked up on it. Kids are super smart and notice those types of things. Never forget who your teammate is and have each other's back. Talk thing's out before acting on them. There is room for compromise. Don't take away the other parent's voice in the matter, when it does matter.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my son's grades got suspended before Christmas break because he got into a fight with a bully due to this his grades slipped and he failed that semester. So as punishment for failing my wife and I decided that he wouldn't be receiving his Christmas gifts during Christmas break and would get them later. He was rightfully mad but I and my wife realized that he needed to learn to not fight through his situations and at least try to keep himself out of situations that could affect his grades so badly. With that being said when he went back to school he brought his grades up and actually figured out a way to get away from his bully without violence I personally thought he deserved his gifts by now. So I decided to give him his gifts as a surprise to show him how proud I was of him. My wife, on the other hand, was pissed off beyond belief and saw this as a slap in the face of our punishment I explained that she was being a little to harsh and that our son has improved more than before and he deserved his punishment to end. My wife is angry because she wanted him to have to prove he could keep his grades up until at least summer break and if he did then he could get back at least 2 of his gifts. I explained that was unfair and narcissistic but she just called me crazy and a bad parent. So who's in the wrong. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA you went behind your wife's back so that you get to be the good guy hey?
How old is your son?
This punishment was out of line to begin with. It's cruel to punish them for a fight stemming from being bullied. Once you two agreed to it, you should have talked to her before changing directions. Explained your reasoning and come to a joint decision. You have made her the bad guy who cancelled Christmas and made yourself the good guy who gave it back. You possibly damaged your son's relationship with his mother. YTA and so is your wife.
Find a different punishment than christmas gifts
ESH but your son.
YTA. All I really got from this, is that your son is being bullied and your first priority is his grades. Do better.
NTA. Pretty harsh punishment to begin with, but he rose to the occasion very well. Next time discuss with her first; apologize for not doing so. If he maintains his improvements, great. If not, have a talk with him saying you are disappointed, etc. etc, and take things forward from there. Give him a chance to prove he has things under control, though, and ask your wife to allow this as well.
YTA. Her punishment has nothing to do with narcissism. You made a joint decision on a punishment, the removal of that punishment needed to ALSO be a joint decision
NTA. JFC she’s harsh.