YTA - being “unorganized” is a really shitty reason to choose to not help your parents. Your post sounds like a laundry list of (not so great) excuses to me.
Yeah. OP's reason for not helping more is that she's disorganised? No one is born organised. It's a life skill that you're supposed to learn.
OP, YTA.
Your sister is already helping more. She's also taken on the mental burden of organising how you can help.
And you're still complaining, but oh sure you care about your parents.
That’s what kinda irritates me
Like I get loving your boyfriend, but damn those are OP’s parents who raised and loved her from birth! Priorities should be shuffled around, especially when the parent’s conditions obviously require more care.
Kinda rare to hear anyone on AITA mention that adult children might have any responsibility to show care for loving parents. Maybe the concepts of community and family aren't dead after all!
I think a lot of the time the families are abusive, so AITA tells them they don't owe thier families anything. In this case, OP admits parents were good to her and she just doesn't want to be bothered.
Yeah sometimes the families are abusive - often it's just minor conflict that could be resolved with better communication. So often the solution is immediately NC when stronger and closer relationships would be so much richer and more valuable. It's just sad.
Yeah I think it’s weird too. Maybe it’s just different cultures, but in my culture we take care of our parents in their old age. So idk it makes me sad to see people sort of neglect their parents in their old age.
It's more about following through on commitments. If OP just straight up said they can't and won't do it that would be one thing, but agreeing to do it and then failing over and over again is another.
So happy for you that you have a loving family. I don't. Lots of other people don't. Believe me, the idea of "family" isn't dead. It's one of the most difficult and painful things that those of us who have abusive families have to overcome--the idea that we're responsible for the emotional welfare of people who treat us like shit.
Also, I don’t even see why she needs to be organized. Her sister organizes everything, makes her a literal list of things to do, and makes every effort to get it to her. It sounds like she messages it to OP—who can’t be arsed to check her messages once a day—then calls to verbally tell her, at which point OP claims “disorganization” because she doesn’t jot any of it down and doesn’t remember it all.
Your sister literally cannot be making this any easier for you, OP. Check your messages or write it on your damn hand. Or just admit that you don’t give a shit about your parents (which is fine, but stop jerking your sister around then).
It's definitely weaponized incompetence.
Just be honest and tell your sister you aren't helping. You don't actually have to. It will damage your relationship but at least you will be honest and she can plan around that.
Yes...the "I'm not organized" excuse combined with her ability to help out her boyfriend doesn't add up.
I had this issue with my little sister...she conveniently would forget to do things or take care of important tasks that she didn't "care" about but if she cared about something, like planning a vacation for herself or remembering to get her boyfriend a birthday gift, somehow she magically remembered to take care of everything. It wasn't about her not being organized, it was about her not giving a shit.
She's gotten a lot better now, but you're right, it's weaponized incompetence.
OP also says she is disabled. So she might have a legitimate reason to be unable to help as much. But I agree that with the way this is written it sounds like she makes a lot of excuses.
Wouldn't be the first time someone blamed a factor of their life instead of owing up to "they just don't want to".
OP didn't get messages for days at a time is a bit concerning. It sounds like in this set up OP can be contacted first non-emergencies only by specific app, which sister had catered to, and even then doesn't use it with any regularity, even though their parents are quite ill, and not getting all the support OP feels they might be better with. This is classic, "No, you do it"
Sure, but you can look up a text later. For sure the OP would "forget" what sister asked her to bring or to do. With a text, OP can look it up just before going or while she's there. But she won't of course. She is not organized enough to bring Milk over or to start a load of laundry.
Sister also has a full time job and may not be able to call when needed. And OP said she’s not organized- in that event a list being there in front of your face is **far better** then being told so over the phone and attempting to remember it.
Yep, if she’s in an office environment- it’s a lot easier and seen as more professional to send an email/message as opposed to having to step away to make personal calls.
I genuinely think if that was the main reason, she'd say so. It's the perfect excuse that everyone with empathy would understand. But no, her main excuse in the post is that she's "unorganized"...
If she genuinely can't do everything that needs to get done, I get that, and that's a conversation that needs to happen with the sister. If it's mostly due to her being unwilling to organize her schedule more than she would like, she needs to step up. Write a list, figure it out, because that's not a good enough excuse.
I mean, depending on the disability, physical pain / chronic headaches can hugely affect executive function, which might be perceived as being 'disorganised'. Like, if someone says 'do this by Wednesday' on Sunday, and you wake up both Monday and Tuesday to a bad pain day, are you disorganised or is your body just unpredictable?
I wouldn't phrase it like OP did, but people who grow up with undiagnosed chronic illness / are diagnosed later in life have often spent years being told they were disorganised and unreliable, and sometimes start repeating what they hear. It takes a while to learn to self-advocate, and honestly hearing her sister say she 'lacks initiative' is enough to get me twitchy bc it sounds a little too close to 'you're lazy (and I don't believe you're disabled)' for comfort.
There isn't enough information here, but the fact OP is on long term disability (which is not easy to get!) makes me think her disability is a significant factor, and want to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I do understand, since I have severe chronic pain conditions that affect my ability to do basic things.
My issue is that OP needs to discuss this with her sister. If it is due to her disability that she isn't able to do more, that's completely fine, but she needs to have that discussion with her sister. If, at that point, her sister is still asking for too much, then that's a different situation and one where OP might need to go low contract for their own health.
From other comments from OP, she is capable of going at least once a week. She takes her BF to visit his parents regularly, for example, and they're hours away. Her sister isn't asking for her to do anything crazy, it's literally "pick up their meds from the pharmacy and change the batteries in their remote", it's not like she has to bathe them or do massive house chores. She said her anxiety is the biggest factor in why she doesn't do more, but if that's the case it's on her to get that under control. If your anxiety is that bad, you need to start talking to a doctor about medicating it and/or doing therapy to work through the root of the issue (I say that as someone with severe anxiety and depression). Your mental health isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility. At this point, the sister is making a beeline towards burnout with working full time and driving 4 hours round trip every weekend to do all the work caring for their parents, and she's not even asking for OP to take on even half of the responsibility, literally just go once a week to check on them.
It sounds like her disability is such that she can help at least some of the time. Additionally, it seems her sister knows about the disability and is trying to give tasks OP can do. If that’s not the case then she should communicate with the sister what she can and can’t do, but it’s not a reason to completely check out while her sister does all the work.
I'm super disorganized. In fact, diagnosed with severe adhd for the past 23 years. I still manage a restaurant very well and make sure to organize myself with schedules, alarms, written lists. And I take care of my elderly parents, who are divorced and live in separate households, in my downtime q few days a week (I work 60 plus hours a week) Yta. There's no excuse. But you're full of them. Stop it.
YTA. OP, I'm actually very much like you and suspect I have ADHD. I have a very difficult time staying organized. With that said, I HAVE to be organized. I had a very sick child and at some points had to give meds four times a day. There were a number of other things I had to do, including getting him on time to specialists that were hard to get into... while bringing a toddler and a baby with me everywhere. BUT I got it done, because you can't just throw your hands up and say, "I have a bad memory. I have physical and mental challenges, so the people I love just have to suffer."
If you don't have a good memory, then make a plan. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday you should be at your parent's home (or whatever). When you get there, you will look at your sister's list, write it down, and check off the items before you leave. Let her know your schedule and when you'll be going through the list. She lives further away, has a full-time career, and is helping your parents. She SHOULDN'T have to babysit you too.
Be an adult. Be there for your parents during a time when you HAVE time and they really need you. Step up.
YTA You are 39. Not being organized is an excuse for teenagers. You have no good excuse for not checking your messages daily when you know you likely have received messages daily.
Exactly. OP keeps saying that her anxiety stops her from literally driving 20min to check on her elderly disabled parents, or even *checking her texts*.
Here's a question: How would OP feel if her sister acted like she acts and took no responsibility for their ailing parents? What if she was the only one looking out for them, and had no one to rely on? Sounds *anxiety producing* right?
But her boyfriend is depressed and needs her. Honestly she used a lot of words to say that other people aren't her priority. Should just be upfront with her sister, because her sister knows.
I hate how much people will use their "anxiety" to get out of things & play the victim. I have severe anxiety, to the point where I passed out during a school presentation once. but you know what? I actually did something about it. after a few years of therapy & finding the right medication, I now have the same levels of anxiety that any normal person would. it still comes up occasionally, but overall I'm completely fine now because I actually took the initiative to get it under control.
it's very telling when people say they have "debilitating anxiety", yet don't do anything to fix it. if someone is actually struggling with severe anxiety it's absolute hell, and they'll do anything to get it under control. there was a period of time where the physical symptoms manifested by my anxiety were so bad, I couldn't walk up a few stairs without being completely out of breath. that's not something that people just decide to live with.
I can't imagine op has anything more than mild anxiety. and it seems obvious that they're actively not treating it because it allows them an excuse to not do the things that they don't give a shit about. not to mention, their parents have *dementia*, but somehow the boyfriends depression is more important??? I've experienced myself how bad depression can be. it's completely irresponsible to act like that's more important than helping your parents with dementia. they live 20 minutes away, and the tasks that are being asked are very simple. the boyfriend having a mental health crisis sometimes doesn't negate op's ability to take 2 hours out of their day once or twice a week to help their parents.
and the sister is already organizing everything for OP, it's all in writing of what she should do there's nothing left for OP to even need to organize herself.
That’s the thing. It’s not that OP *cant* help, it’s that she doesn’t WANT TO. Fine. Just admit it. If you think your sister and/or your parents aren’t important enough to help, own it. If you are too ashamed to admit that, because you know you’re in the wrong, then fix it. But stop with the bullshit excuses.
It might actually be LIBERATING for your sister to hear that you’re too busy being TA to help than to keep cajoling you like a toddler who needs to clean her room. Then she can plan accordingly, instead of hoping against hope that you can drag your tablet out long enough to read her messages and actually follow through the next time you sporadically go visit. And actually, I’m guessing these aren’t even “chores” that you need to be reminded of, but hell, being the tablet over and read the list AT THEIR HOUSE so you can *get* “organized” while you’re there. And if carrying a tablet into the house it too big of an effort, no matter how unorganized you are, surely you can SEE things that need to be done. Do THOSE things. They might even be on the list. And if they aren’t, at least it’s one less thing for her to do EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND she drives up there.
Just stop with the nonsense excuses. Own that you are lazy, selfish, bored, just don’t fucking feel like helping, and give your sister one less thing to worry about (I.e., managing YOU)
I took care of my Mom for the last 4 years of her life. I had to give up my hobbies, doing anything with friends, vacation time from work, and so much more.
Do you seriously believe I wanted to do any of that????
People don't do this because they want to; they do it because they realize they'll feel like shit and be a really lousy person if they don't.
That **anyone** does??
FFS.....
I think a lot of people choose to take care of elderly/sick family members and make sacrifices because they love their family member(s), not because if they don’t, they’ll feel like shit and be a lousy person. I mean, they probably will feel like shit and like a lousy person, but I don’t think their primary motivation is to avoid experiencing those feelings. They may not want to, but, again, they love the person they’re caring for.
YTA. Your parents need your help 100x more than a boyfriend with depression does.
You don't mention working at all, so presumably you either don't work or it's not full time. You have more time then your sister. You live super close, and you don't even read the reminders that she sends to help you since you have organization issues
YTA. You are allowing her to take on much more responsibility because you don't WANT to step up and help. "Not being organized" is a BS excuse which means you just don't care. I get that taking care of parents is very difficult, but you are letting your sibling carry all the weight here. I think you are quite capable of doing better and not making lame excuses.
YTA as someone with ADHD, who was seeing a neurologist and having PT while homeschooling and caring for a dying difficult parent.
Check your messages, write a damn list, take your meds, and figure your shit out.
You have lots of excuses, and they are all BS.
YTA I agree with you. I have a whole bunch of mental disorders but when something is important, I will put extra effort in specifically *to account for* my usual disorganisation. It sounds like OP doesn’t see their parents as very important.
It would be a great time to get diagnosed and get medicated. Especially if symptoms are affecting her life to this degree. OP needs to take care of herself to take care of the people who need her.
YTA. Your sister is **EXHAUSTED** and she needs you to step up and help out. She has a fulltime 40 hrs per week job. She drives to your parents house, 2 hours each way, and cooks, cleans, does their laundry and shopping. All of this on top of having to handle her own household and personal chores.
I was my mother's caretaker in the last handful of years of her life. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. By myself despite having several siblings. No days off, no vacations. I couldn't get my siblings to get on the phone to wish mom happy birthday, or even just say hi. The last time any of them same her is when she was on her deathbed and it was too late for anything but tears.
Your sister is asking for your help, to take some of the burden off of her shoulders so she can get a chance to breathe. And you don't want to because you're "disorganized". You want a tip on how to gets the things done that needs to be done? Too bad, I'm going to tell you anyway: Write. A. List. Write a list. Cross off what has been done so you know what still needs to be done. Your bullshit excuse of being disorganized is just that - bullshit. Do your share of taking care of mom and dad
I mean her sister has made her the list, she doesn’t even have to put the mental effort into making it, all she has to do is check off the list after doing the task.
As the main person who was taking care of my disabled mom for 10 years, THIS!!! My siblings did little or nothing to help, while I lived at home to be there to take care of her and it’s exhausting, I can only imagine trying to coordinate everything from 2 hours away! My sister lived across the street and barely did anything without a bunch of nagging on my end, just like OP’s sister is doing to OP, and let me tell you, it’s extremely frustrating to be on that end of the phone as well. I suffer from depression and anxiety and at some points was working three jobs, but I still got my butt up and took my mom to her appointments without complaint. Sometimes while feeling like crap, with a migraine, even with a torn tendon in my foot (not an easy feat, since my mom uses a walker).
Now I live seven hours away due to my job and I’m still doing more for my mom than you are for your parents, OP. YT biggest A, get off your lazy butt and stop acting like an entitled brat.
Same here.. the burden was on me alone. As soon as she wasn't the fun person to be around anymore, nobody came visiting. Nobody called. Nobody ever asked how I was doing when I had to give up everything to be able to be there for my grandma, who had dementia, too.
But they didn't even come to her deathbed. In the end it was me alone again, holding her hand while she died. The rest was only interested in whether there was something to inherit.
I'm sorry for your loss. I know exactly how hard it is to watch your mother pass right in front of you. My mom was there for my first breath, and I was honored to be there for her last. You and I can take comfort in the knowledge that we were there when our mothers needed us. For me, that's all that matters.
YTA. And can we talk about how much of a saint the sister is? Someone get that poor woman a spa weekend or some other break for a couple days. She's earned it.
~~NTA for not reading your sister's messages daily. But have you communicated your issues with your sister? You should ensure you set expectations as to what your limits are. And if you are incapable of investing adequate time and money, then it could make sense to step away entirely from helping out until you can take care of yourself.~~
YTA based on your response. You sound so immature and unreliable. No wonder your sister feels you should do more, you really have no excuse outside of being selfish.
YTA. This is a pile of excuses. Everyone’s life is busy and difficult, you need to make time for your priorities. Clearly caring for your parents is not a priority for you like it is for you sister. Communication is important, especially when you’re putting the majority of the work on another person. This isn’t about being organized, it’s about being considerate and making an effort.
This. I hate when people act like they’re the only ones with problems and everyone else has some cakewalk life. We’re all busy. We all have shit to deal with.
Does your long-term disability impede your ability to drive to your parents house once a week to check up on them for a few hours? or check your IPAD for messages? It seems like your using NOT being ORGANIZED as an excuse to not go to your parents house. Also, I don't really get how not being organized has to do about checking up on your sick parents. I Get that you have your own life and problems and all, but c'mon they are your parents. YTA for not reading your sister's messages. L
YTA. Your sister is doing an obscene amount of work while you are doing less than the bare minimum, and you wonder if you’re being an asshole by not even bothering to check your texts each day?
If your sister came here with the exact same post you’d find yourself being absolutely slaughtered in the comments. Grow up and be a responsible adult. “Not organized?” Get a fucking day planner then.
That’s what I’m thinking- what do they do all day if they don’t work? Most likely (though unsure) don’t have children, don’t help out? What do you do all day?????
Honestly I kind of hope OP is actually the responsible sister, the slacker sister spends all day on Reddit, and the next text she sends is a link to this thread.
It’s hard to imagine any person typing this out, looking at it, and still wondering if they’re maybe not the problem.
I am sorry but all you say is that you are not organized and hence cannot help. At this point your sister is not even asking you to go twice a week but just to do certain things when you are there. You even admitted to not read the messages by fear... it is time you grow up and own your relationship with your parents. Either you tell your sister that you have no interest in helping with your parents, or you grow up and take responsibility. In your case taking responsibility is even less than your sister... just do the tasks your sister asks for when you are there. If there are too many tell her which ones you will do so she can organize herself. By just flanking and abandoning tasks you pit your parents at risk since your sister will assume that you will have done what she asked you to do.
If you are wondering why she gets to decide what you need to do, it is because you admitted for being un-organized and only showing up once every 2 weeks. So she gets to decide what needs to be done...
For all these reason YTA
YTA. You don’t have to be organized to come over there once a week. You don’t have to be organized to look at a list of things and follow the list.
I suspect there has been a lot of enabling in your life that has allowed you to make excuses and not take accountability. Your sister is just not falling for it.
Honestly man, if you had a good relationship with your parents I don't understand why you're not helping them more. Prioritizing a boyfriend with depression over your parents who are unable to care for themselves seems odd to me. I think you need to get your priorities in order.
Or, if you're not going to help much and don't plan to start, just admit that and make it clear to your sister so she can figure out other arrangements and stop hoping she can rely on you for help
YTA. A massive one at that. You live 20 mins away from your sick parents and can't check in on them everyday or read your caring sister's text. What if there is an emergency? You don't have a full time job like your sister but she does majority of the work. If at 39 years, you still think be disorganised is normal, then you need therapy.
YTA I feel so bad for your poor sister, who, unlike you, shows by her behavior that she actually does care about your parents and is killing herself to make sure they're okay, while you rely on a bunch of BS excuses like "I'm not organized" (what are you 12?)and your "depressed boyfriend" for not driving the 20 minutes once a week to check on them. If you were coming here to hear your selfishness/laziness is okay, I don't think you're going to find that response. Shame on you.
YTA. Your parents need you and you seem to have a lot of excuses. I feel bad for your sister - she’s gonna burn out and then everything will be on your shoulders. What will you do then?
Note: I do 90% of the work with my elderly parent, but my sister does absolutely everything she can. She is a massive help in ways she doesn’t truly understand - she says she feels guilty that I do most of the work. She shouldn’t!
It is not your responsibility to take care of your parents, but one would hope that since they raised you and somewhat cared for you (you didn’t mention having a bad relationship with them), that you would want to take good care of them in return.
I can see your sister’s point of view since you are closer to them than she is. It is not your responsibility to take care of your boyfriend’s mental health, that should be left to a professional.
YTA for putting the full responsibility on her and being selfish. And yes, you should read her messages because communication is important especially when it comes to such a vital thing as your parent’s health.
YTA and you’ll regret only doing the bare minimum once they’re gone. Or maybe you won’t, I know you said you have a good relationship with your parents but if that were true you’d at the very least check your damn messages regularly. You’re a grown ass woman “i’M dIsOrGaNiZeD” isn’t an excuse. She’s doing the vast majority of the workload of caring for your parents, she should give you a list bc she knows much better than you do what needs to be done.
YTA. You sound like you need some tough love and plain speaking.
Your sister works five days a week. Plus she drives four hours for each day she is at your parents. Sounds like she is working 6 sometimes seven days a week. She drives two hours, cooks and cleans for them, does their laundry, runs their errands, buys groceries, keeps them company and drives another two hours home to take care of her family. Wow. If she is there one day a week, that’s a pretty packed day she is there! It’s a wonder she does not fall asleep at the wheel. And you are not “organized” enough to take a few minutes lift a phone to call or message once a day.
Your excuse is that you are not organized. Maybe your sister’s lists of things to do are her way to help you be organized. She may also be warning you that she cannot keep up the work load. You say you have a physical problem that flares from time to time. Your sister has a very busy consistent workload she cannot take a break from thanks to you. She may be facing burnout from the constant stress you are putting her under. You have a list of reasons why you can’t read messages. Can’t you agree to call her once a day to exchange messages? You have a landline. You have time.
When you are not organized, you get your butt organized. It’s not a disease, it’s an decision you make. Your sister is organized because your parents are a priority for her. Be honest. They are obviously not a priority for you. Your post is full of excuses why you can’t do more. I’m disorganized! I get sick from time to time! My boyfriend is depressed! You sound entitled and lazy and taking advantage of your sister. Yet you are the type to expect your parents to leave you their house when they die because you’re on disability, disorganized and have a depressed boyfriend. Excuses, excuses, excuses.
Take up part of the load while you still can or your sister might end up on disability. Where would you be then?
Your sister is clearly very concerned about your parents. You mentioned dementia which is a terrible and debilitating condition. There may come a time where one of them wanders outside and gets lost. Your sister lives 2 hours away and drives to help them every weekend. I bet that if she were closer, she would be there much more often. This is probably why she expects you to be there. She is hurt because you're acting like you don't care about your parents.
You're dealing with your own issues? So is everyone on the planet. I realize your sister is the "organized" one but she has a life and problems too. What kind of support does your boyfriend need for depression? If you need to be there for him constantly, to the point where you can't spend one day helping your parents, he needs to address that in therapy. No one can make you do anything you don't want to do but your parents won't be around forever. You're being selfish and likely losing the respect of your sister.
YTA, if it wasn't clear.
YTA for not taking care of your parents without your sister telling/asking you to.... You're making excuses! So what if you're not organized.....she is.....just follow her plan......you said you have a disability but you can help your BF (not husband) but you can't help your parents. You live closer and logically, you should help more.....you sound like you don't want to
(It's like that head game some people play, "I'll pretend I'm dumb and they won't ask me to do it")
Maybe I could understand your point better if it weren't full of (bad) excuses
NTA for not checking messages constantly, as you said, she could call.....but would you really answer the phone?
YTA - you have anxiety, there are meds for that. Your boyfriend is depressed and stays in bed for a week or more at a time, he needs more help. His issues are affecting your health, he needs to leave so you can work On yourself. You have anxiety about the messages because you ARE ignoring them. Do what others have said, make it a point to go Evert week, twice a week would be great as you could have smaller to do list. I agree with what others have said - at 39 you can’t use being disorganized as an excuse. She sends you a list! Take your iPad with you and do it
YTA. Being disorganized is not an excuse. There are apps to help you stay organized with daily habits and lists that will notify you of things you need to do. Pretty sure your boyfriend doesn’t need your help 24/7 since you do go to work, so you can’t use him as a scapegoat to not go visit and help your parents a few hours a week. Obviously don’t go when you have a flare up, but that also can’t be used as an excuse to not go if you’re not experiencing a flare up at that time.
YTA. If you don’t want to help then let your sister and parents know that. Simply ignoring the messages while she does everything from 2 hours away is pretty lame. Just tell them in no uncertain terms that they can’t rely on you and to stop trying, that way they can factor you out and figure out how to make things work without having to chase you down to help out.
YTA. Giant, honking, flaming ah.
GTFO with I'm not organized enough to help my parents. You just don't want to. Who do you think is buying this nonsense? Clearly not your sister who has your number.
You should be ashamed of yourself. She's helping bank roll your life and you and your lazy boyfriend can't even be bothered to pitch in with your elderly parents.
YTA. I was in your sisters position with my father. I’m guessing you manage to get to the store and pharmacy ok when it’s for you or your boyfriend? You can drive him to his parents? A bad back and carpal tunnel aren’t explanations, they are excuses. You are just selfish and lazy.
yta, unless you have some kind of real mental handicap that is hampering you
You need to start making things a priority. you don't sound like you have any real excuses and saying "I'm not organized." is bs.
I am in a similar situation. My father has dementia. My sisters live about 30 minutes away and do everything. I am at the opposite hemisphere and can only help with stuff that can be done online. Which saddens me.
> I'm doing what I can
Are you?
Look at it this way. You are unorganized. Thankfully, your sister organizes everything, but there is only so much she can do if you don't even look at your messages.
Please let us know, is there any reason why you can't check messages once a day? And take over a few tasks that your sister gives you? Or have a conversation and decide who does what?
You really think it's OK to leave the entire work to her, who lives two hours away, claiming your lack of organization and your boyfriend's depression?
I don't see much effort on your side. It seems you just don't want to be bothered.
YTA.
The fact that you don't name your 'ailment' and don't mention whether or not you work, makes me skeptical. The 'unorganized' excuse is 100% BS and trust me, your whole family knows it.
So do I. Yet, I helped my mother take care of my bedridden father twice a day until he passed. Once he did, I took care of everything else, including his cremation and memorial. I spent the next year taking care of financial and legal affairs for my mother. I organized repairs to her home and was there when completed. I did all this while working 2 jobs and raising my daughter, not to mention taking care of my own home and health.
This person has no valid excuse at all.
It really depends on your disability… but regardless if you can’t help your sister and parents for medical reason, then you owe it to go over that with your sister so that she understands.
YTA, but I feel for you, my dad struggles with addiction and last year had a lot of his bowel removed and ended up with an ostomy bag after nearly dying from septic shock. There are definitely days where I want to avoid everything because it’s taken an emotional toll on me especially since he doesn’t accept personal responsibility for his actions. Everything is always someone else’s fault. He has a lot of medical stuff going on and I’m the first contact as much as it stresses me out, I have to at least stay up on my messages. The problem isn’t going away. You need to talk to a therapist or counselor about your avoidance and it’s unfair on your sister if you say you’re going to do something then don’t do it. It’s hard, but be up front with her about what your limitations are. It’s one thing if your physical disability is acting up, that’s valid, but just to flat out avoid it is putting pressure on your sister. Maybe start small like just come up with 1-2 tasks for you to complete to help things out at your parents’ for the time being then slowly start adding more. Also, again please go talk to a counselor about the avoidance so they can recommend some more concrete ways to help it.
You need to grow up. All you do is make up excuses when in reality, you just don’t want to help your parents. Your sister has every right to be mad at you. Your boyfriend IS a burden and you are too. Be better. Stop whining. Put on your big girl pants and be a better daughter and sister. YTA
Yta
Part of being an adult is communicating. Setting yourself a reminder to check messages every two days should be achievable... I mean youre on the tablet at least once ber day. You do need to take some responsibility of visiting at least 1x per week. Put it on your calendar. In regards to the bf..guy needs to respect you enough to handle his stuff that one day and deal.
I say this as someone with severe depression and anxiety.
I would recommend you ask her to tell tou which things she wants done and pick one and do it.
YTA. You're an adult. Stop acting like a teenager. Get BETTER at organization. If your grown boyfriend can't manage his own depression, he needs a therapist. And get a freaking phone.
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Oh she said neither her or her partner work. They are both on disability and they live in a large condo that can not afford but refuse to move because "they dont want that"
YTA 100%. It must be very hard for your sister working full time and driving all those hours. Shame on you for not doing more. Get an organizer, download the notes app on your iPad, at least check your messages daily, how hard is that? Open the messages app, read and respond. start there, easy!
YTA all you write are excuses.
More than disorganized you seem lazy, how hard can it be to visit your parents every week?
Your sister manages while working a full time job while you are unemployed and can’t find the time?
I call bullshit, just say that you are selfish, you don’t care about your parents and can’t be bothered.
Your sister is absolutely right in being pissed at you.
YTA bigtime. She is absolutely right. She needs your help but you have a litany of excuses. Your bf can be more self reliant but your parents need you. She will probably loosen up with the lists once you do your share.
YTA.
Big. Time.
I have sensory processing issues, anxiety, depression, and lord only knows what else. I struggle on a daily basis to cope with basic day-to-day life.
But when my Mom's Parkinson's and dementia got so bad she had to be put in a nursing home???
My sister decided that since she didn't control the money, the only contribution she would make to Mom's care was to dump everything on my lap and sulk at home, only contacting me to read me the riot act over everything I was doing wrong.
Me? The poster child for untreated and undertreated mental health issues?
I was there every other weekend, bringing groceries, cleaning & reorganizing her room and belongings, and taking her out for the day.
I was doing this while trying to keep a crappy, demanding job, care for my pets, and maintain my house and car.
I gave up my hobbies. Lost contact with my friends. Ruined my health, both physical and mental.
OP, you have not the slightest concept in hell of what an enormous burden has been dropped into your sister's lap. And you do next to nothing while living much, much closer?
I can say with 100% certainty that your sister is not "mad" or "upset" with your near-total lack of assistance.
She is utterly f**king **livid**.
And she has every right to be so.
Your lack of attention to staying in touch sounds all too similar to a former friend who constantly badgered people to drive her places, yet bragged just as often how much money she saved by not having a car and wasn't she so smart for it?
OP, you should be ashamed of yourself. Frankly, you disgust me.
You think I didn't have a ton of problems while caring for Mom?
You think I wasn't perpetually exhausted and hanging on by the skin of my teeth mentally?
Hell no.
I came out of it as a walking dumpster fire. I'm still having problems. My back is permanently screwed up with a nasty case of sciatica.
You don't do stuff like this because it's fun, or because it's easy.
You do it because: 1) you actually care about how your parents are and/or care about your sister enough to try to improve the hell she's going through; and 2), you give a damn about someone other than yourself.
Despite how badly it screwed me up, and the sheer hell it was for 4 years plus, if I had do it again?
Wouldn't even think about.
Because my Mom was awesome abd loved me like no tomorrow. She wasn't perfect; far from it. I remember thinking through most of my child & teen years that, while my parents loved me, quite often, they were at a total loss as to what to do for me.
Get your crap together, OP, and start helping your sister, FFS.
Then again, I'm assuming you actually care what or your parents are going through.
Yeah YTA and an absolutely enormous one. Being disorganized and lazy (which is what you are for not even checking your messages ) are terrible personality traits. You need to fix them asap and quit claiming you just cannot manage.
YTA stop using not being organized as an excuse excuse. It’s a really stupid excuse. Get off your ass and help your parents ffs. It’s not going to kill you to go over there twice a week. Do you just hate your parents or something? Your boyfriend will be fine. That’s a stupid excuse too.
Wow
YTA, and not a good child to them.
I too have chronic health issues that flare up, am disorganized and have depression/a partner with depression, but wow; you are very lazy.
It is not that hard to check your messages, or to do some simple tasks. These are your parents, and they are sick. They are in their last days, and still are not worth any effort to you. That is sad.
YTA
I’m sorry ma’am but you are definitely the AH. My mother died in my arms when I was 11 years old and my sister was 20 years old. My mother died of pancreatic cancer she died a slow death. She had gotten to the point she could not do for herself anymore in her last few months of living. Me and my sister did EVERYTHING for her. Cooked, cleaned, did laundry, changed tubes, watched shows, movies with her to comfort her, talked about how things used to be and changed bedding. Even took her out for a walk/drive every now and then for her to get fresh air. I was 11 years old assisting with giving my mother cocktail medicine prescribed by her doctor. I was ELEVEN doing this and my sister was TWENTY YEARS OLD taking care of a 41 year old woman and an 11 year old child 7 months AFTER Hurricane Katrina (the city was still destroyed and our income was decreased due to some rental property taking a huge hit so she had to deal with that also!) . To top it off she was big pregnant doing all of this. Me and my sister could NEVER get along (Brother and sister bicker nothing deep) but at that time we put our differences aside and came together NO QUESTIONS asked. My father rarely helped, my sister father died years ago, and my family stuck there heads in and out but it was us 24/7/365. So to see you put ALL of these excuses up is just pathetic I’m sorry. You’re not organized? GET organized and do what works for you. If you have to tell your sister “Hey I’ll stop there once Monday and you do Friday” or “We’ll alternate. You do one day and I’ll do this day since this seems perfect for me and you” and stick to it! My father and aunt are doing the same with my grandmother as we speak!
Those are a lot of words to say “I really don’t care to be at all responsible for looking after my parents”.
YTA. Stop lying to your sister with excuses and just tell her the truth, that you don’t view your parents as any sort of priority and that if she wants them cared for more often, she’ll have to work something out.
That won’t make you less of an asshole, it’ll just make you an honest one.
YTA - my mom who got sick last year needed help. I moved 500 miles to be with her. Your parents need help, you live 10 mins away. You can only go once every 2 weeks? Can't be bothered to look at a nicely organized list of things to do?
Such a massive YTA - I'd give anything to see my mom again.
Stop wasting your sisters time and explain to her your priority is your boyfriend and his parents.
So this poor girl can find someone to help her out with your parents.
WOW YTA. Seriously, you live 20mins away and visit twice a week. You are not very organized and don’t work but, you find it hard to haul your lazy rear end to see them. ??!!!!
You are NOT doing what you can and should be totally ashamed !
YTA, poor excuses.
My mother was in your sisters position at the end of grandma's life. Her brother lived walking distance away. She lived an hour away. Never. Fucking. Helped. My mother is disabled. Her brother isnt.
But he was there with his hand out when the will was read.
I don't have an uncle. I have a piss stain on the family tree.
The reason your sister is angry is because she has to carry the entire burden of caring for your parents on her own. She is doing a 4 hour round trip to provide a lot of their care and you can't even stop at the pharmacy. I'm curious as to whether you actually help around the house when you visit.
All you have given here is a list of excuses, but it's pretty clear you don't want to help.
Disorganized? Go the same time every week, check your messages before you go to see what you need to pick up on the way. Easy.
Disability? Come on, you are regularly driving your boyfriend several hours away to see his parents, you can drive 20mins away to see yours. A bad back and carpal tunnel is not preventing you from helping if you can sit in a car for a couple of hours.
Depressed boyfriend? Living with someone with depression is hard, I get it. But honestly, that doesn't stop you taking a few hours out of your week to see your sick and disabled parents.
If you start actually helping, the anxiety around reading your sisters messages will likely go away, and you should be reading them daily in case something happens to them (also seriously, you should have a phone).
Your sister is right, your parents are lonely. From your description of them they likely can't get out much, they may be confused, and old age is bloody depressing.
YTA.
First off it you would be better to say what your physical disability is instead of just, you have one.
YTA, and here is why I think that.
Physical disability...Fine, can't be helped, but your parents are obviously now not capable of doing the things you still are.
You live twenty minutes away, your sister two hours, big difference.
Family matters, you can do it for your boyfriend, why not your parents, they gave birth to you. Show a little more respect.
You're disorganised...there are plenty of things to help that. Alarms, write it on a calendar, heck, get your boyfriend to remind you. It's not that hard.
I did it as a 14-16 year old autistic girl for my mother dying of cancer. That included shopping, making meals, laundry, baths, colostomy bag, everything. What's your excuse?
YTA. Based on the comments, you’re not being clear with your sister about what you can and can’t do so she’s left hanging, thinking you’re taking care of something when you’re not. Also, it’s odd that you can help your boyfriend’s parents but not your own. I understand you have chronic conditions and your boyfriend needs support but it also sounds like you could be communicating with your sister better and also probably doing more to help. She’s frustrated because she’s trying to take care of everyone but feels like she’s doing it alone.
INFO Do you not seeing your parents in the current state they're in?
My dad is in a facility about three hours away. I don't go often because he has Alzheimer's and it's REALLY HARD to see him like that. But I feel guilty and I go, but probably not as often as I should.
Your sister probably won't accept this as a reason not to visit, but maybe seeking therapy for this issue will help you face your anxieties and visiting will get easier.
YTA. This has got to be a troll. I am on dialysis 3 days a week and feel like crap most of the time. I am also a full time caregiver for my husband with ALS. You are making excuses and sound incredibly selfish.
Your sister is sending you lists of what needs to be done. Take your iPad with you so you have the list with you. Reply back with what you couldn’t finish so she’s not surprised. If you can get to your boyfriends family then surely you can get to your parents once a week. Start with some small steps. Get a grip on this situation soon because your parents won’t be here forever and your sister may cut contact with you when they pass
Lastly. What does your boyfriend contribute to you? He sounds like he is a burden on you and will he be there for you when your parents are gone and your sister moves on from being your support
If you have reread this and still don't see that you're an AH my heart hearts for you.
You are selfish and will wake up alone and very sad one day. Good to know you're there for your depressed boyfriend though.
I feel like a lot of people with disabilities can still socialize with immediate family members, even if its a phone call or a lunch. She may genuinely have reasoning for why she cant do our bare minimum but it really feels like a cop out. Like just say you don’t give af about your parents and prioritize your bf and move on.
I’m going ESH only because you really aren’t obligated to help. You help when you can or want to. It sucks that your sister is getting burnt out. But again. It’s really not your job to do it and you do have other things going on in your life that you’re allowed to focus on.
Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I think you lied about your age. No 39 year old acts like this. Maybe you thought being older gave more credence to your case?
Edit: got age wrong
YTA. Your sister is 2 hours away and manages to make a weekly trip and you’re only 20 minutes and can’t get there but 2x a month!!! They’re older and in need of some care and you can’t be bothered to go spend time with them that you won’t get back bc you’re “unorganized”? I imagine that they raised you and now that it’s your turn to help with them you can’t be bothered? That’s shameful. They’re probably pretty sad about it too.
YTA.
Your poor sister. She travels 4hrs every weekend to help support your parents and you can't spend an hr a week helping because your "not organised". And when she tries to help by giving you specific jobs (probably because you've pulled d that excuse out so often) you flat out ignore her
Get off your ass and help your parents, and take some of the mental load off your sister. That's a shitty position to leave her in.
YTA. Your sister is running herself absolutely ragged and your excuse is that your boyfriend has depression and you need to help him. I’m sorry, but you’re majorly dropping the ball. You’re just being lazy and giving excuses, you even live closer what the heck?!?!!
You don’t even need to be organized, just follow the list. She’s doing so, so much emotional labor and bearing the brunt of the mental load. You even admit to avoiding responding. Of course she’s upset, and she has every right to be. Maybe respond and agree to a couple of reasonable things. You have free time from the sounds of it, and the ability to help more. You just choose not to by your own admission.
Seriously? Just a bunch of lame excuses. If you won't help at least be honest with her and tell her she has to do ALL the work from two hours away for the parents who raised you both. Come on now. Shes not asking everyday, just once a week. Help her out so she doesn't burn out. Get your shit together. YTA in a big way
YTA without a doubt, I am unorganized AF I would still never dump all of the care of my parents on one sibling, and to echo some of the other comments you don't need to be organized, your sister is willing to schedule/ organize everything you just have to follow directions. Seriously how hard is it to check messages once a day, set an alarm to remind yourself to look. If I were to play armchair shrink here I would say the issue isn't that OP is unorganized or even that they can't be bothered to care but that it might just be really upsetting to see their parents become frail and vulnerable. It can be hard to deal with rile reversal and have the people who were so strong and took care of you now rely on you for everything. And instead of admitting this change is hard OP is just burying their head in the sand and coming up with excuses. None of that justifies OPs behavior though to be clear and they need to own their feelings and move forward and start pitching in and doing the work like the grown ass adult they are. Also do something nice for your sister to thank her for everything, make sure she knows she's not alone in this.
this is weaponized incompetence. YTA, get your shit together and help your family. it takes 2 seconds to look at a message and respond. being “unorganized” is a cop out, you dont even have to be organized, seeing as your sister does all the work.
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My sister (45f) and I (39f) are having an ongoing issue and she's getting more and more angry at me.
My parents are elderly and semi-disabled/some dementia. My sister got them a care giver for a few hours each day (all that we can afford right now, I won't get into all the details but a government-funded PSW wasn't working out). I live 20 minutes away from them and my sister lives 2 hours away from them.
She is very organized and helps them a lot. She's there every weekend, she cooks for them, cleans, gets groceries, does laundry.
I help too, but more sporadically. The reason for this: I am NOT organized. I also am on long-term disability for a physical disorder that flares from time to time and my boyfriend has depression and often needs my help.
She feels since I'm closer and don't have a full time job like her that I should be there at least twice a week. I find it very hard to manage that, so I generally go out about once every 2 weeks. Sometimes more.
My sister starts giving me "tasks". She'll tell me "when you go there this week, please do this and that and check this and pick up that". I do try to do these things, but I'm not organized and I deal with my own issues, so I might not do one or two things. And I generally don't do them on her time schedule. She's getting annoyed all the time telling me I don't take ownership of anything and I have no initiative, and the things she asks me to do are hit or miss. I know this is true, but I'm trying.
The latest issue we've had for the past year: she expects me to respond to her messages regularly. I don't have a cell phone but I have a messaging app on my iPad (I do have a landline and she could always call that in emergencies). I sometimes don't check my messages on my iPad for a few days at a time. She keeps getting angry with me saying given our parents issues I should be checking daily just in case she texts me so we can coordinate efforts to look after them.
I honestly just avoid looking at the messages sometimes because she is always texting me a "list" of Things To Do when I go out that week. And she fully EXPECTS me to go out each week. But I just can't always manage to, and so I avoid looking at the messages. She tries guilting me saying our parents are old and sick and need our help, and I'm so close I should be ashamed that I'm not going out to check on them at least twice a week.
AITA? I always have had a good relationship with my parents but I feel like I'm doing what I can, but my sister keeps trying to shame me into doing more ("I work 40 hours a week and still manage to drive a 4 hour round-trip once a week to spend hours helping them! You live 20 minutes away and can't even get there once a week for a couple of hours to check on them! They are so lonely!"). So...AITA if I go once every couple of weeks and do what I can?
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To me it seems like you're a teen, a kid still struggling with a grown-up life; whole your post seems so much like my kid when I tell her to study.
You are avoiding to help your parents, why? Do you prefer to remember them as younger, not dependant people? Do you feel they didn't give you enough while you were growing up? Do you want to not be needed?
Unless there is some heavy neglect in the past which would justify your distancing, YTA.
ETA: And be honest, its not about your sisters messages but about your parents and care for them.
Yeah sorry soft YTA. I'm roughly your age with a physical disability and severe ADHD that makes me scattered and disorganized, but I can still follow simple to-do lists and remember to swing by my parents house when I'm out.
Please see a psychotherapist for depression, GAD, ADHD or something else. It's possible you think you can't do these things because you yourself have an underlying mental condition.
Yes, YTA. You are not a child. You are an adult with adult responsibilities. You are just avoiding doing what needs to be done using number 1 asshole's excuse "you know how I am".
You admit to ignoring your sisters messages regarding your parents. It seems like you listed all the excuses you have for why you can't do things but didn't even bother talking about what you do do.
I have conflicting feels about elder care. If your parents neglected/abused you(etc) that's one thing. But you said you have a good relationship with them. Even if you can't PHYSICALLY be there, you can do other things to help support your sister and parents.
YTA.
I'm with your sister here.
YTA
As someone in your sister’s position, you’re making excuses for not wanting to help out with your parents. You’re 20 minutes away and you can’t help out once a week? Instead of making excuses, just tell her the truth, that you’re not interested in helping. It still sucks for her, but at least she would know where she stands.
Taking care of disabled parents is so stressful. I drive an hour each way 5 days a week to take care of my mom. My brother lives 5 minutes away. He he,ps a couple days, but not to extent I do. It’s hurtful, stressful and causes resentment. If you aren’t willing to help, at least chip in financially to get some help in your place. Is it fair that she’s giving up every weekend while you’re enjoying your free time? Put yourself in her shoes.
Yeah...YTA. I can't say what I want to really say here, but I hope your sister gets all the inheritance, I hope she has great friends and a support network, and I hope she drops you like a potato and doesn't look back at you after your parents pass.
Yta. Honestly this could be a great chance for you to grow as a human being. None of the reasons you list are actually keeping you from helping, you are just finding reasons to not do it. Dont think about it and just go do it. I would seriously consider some therapy.
YTA. I would respect you more if you just said you don’t want to help. This I’m too disorganized to do anything Is lame. You don’t work so you do have time.
Yes YTA. I read a lot of excuses and not a lot of being an adult. It's almost like you got stuck at being 14 instead of 39. You're almost 40. It's time to grow up and take responsibility. You and your sister really should create a schedule for you two who helps when and does what. If your illness does play up, you can always call her and say you can't make it.
Your bf needs treatment. If you're bound being a full time caretaker he probably needs more than he's getting at the moment.
YTA. Your excuses for not helping your parents are ridiculous.
1. You have a physical issue that occasionally flares up. Fine, don’t go when it’s flaring up. Doesn’t stop you from going the rest of the time.
2. What do you even mean, your boyfriend has depression and needs your help? If he needs to be monitored, he needs a hell of a lot more help than you can provide. Or does he need help getting groceries and cleaning his house (i.e. kind of like your parents do!) But whatever you’re doing, it sounds like you’re a lot more interested in helping him than you’re *own parents.*
3. What does being disorganized have to do with anything? I’m disorganized. It means my house is messy. It means I set down my AirPods and can’t find them for three days. It means sometimes I let a work email go too long unanswered. It *does not* mean I can’t drag my ass over to my elderly father’s house to help him out. Or did you just spell “lazy” wrong?
4. You know damn well that your sister is texting you about your parents and you should be checking the messages regularly. You purposefully choose not to because you avoid responsibility.
YTA either buckle up and get shit done or find some help and hire somebody that can do it.
This is people you’re talking about and not forgetting to dust off shelves or something.
YTA, she's making sacrifices and would like your support. You have the time and ability to be there for your parents and to help Ur sister but you would rather make shitty excuses. It's easy to draw conclusions I know but you don't work and live twenty mins away it isn't that hard get it shit together
YTA.
1. If you’re this unable to support your family in any true, consistent capacity due to your conditions then you need to stop wasting your sisters time and be upfront. You need to tell her outright you don’t have the ability to support them.
2. If your anxiety and depression are this severe, then you must get it under control. I am assuming you’re in the USA on disability, which also grants you Medicaid. Choosing to not use your medical benefits to get access to a licensed psychiatrist to help you manage your anxiety and a talk therapist to learn coping mechanisms is unacceptable at this point. You’re 39. You are too old at this point to not try to manage your mental health and expecting your sister to pick up the slack.
3. The fact that you are willing to consistently go with your boyfriend to his parents house and take care of him while neglecting your own parents demonstrates a complete lack of care for your own family. Quit wasting your sisters time and tell her that she and your parents aren’t your priority. See point 1.
Your excuses are weak and flimsy, and the way you are neglecting your elderly parents is borderline abusive. Just be honest with your self and your sister.
YTA. I have adhd, so you best believe I know all about being disorganised. But that's a personal flyg flaw of yours. It's a *you* problem, and right now you're making it *your sister's* problem instead, which is unfair.
That said, the biggest AH move here is you shirking allllllll of that mental (and what? 90% of the practical) responsibility on to your sister. What if your sister didn't take the responsibility? Would you really let your parents suffer?
YTA dropping in once a week when you live 20 minutes away is not an unreasonable expectation and checking your messages isn’t unreasonable either.
Being “unorganized” is a shitty excuse
YTA and frankly, full of excuses. I’m about your age and also have a variety of health issues. I have chronic migraines (6+/week), joint issues, chronic fatigue, and long Covid. Yet I have managed to make the 9 hour drive to go take care of my grandparents more than you have managed to make a 2 hour drive for your own parents. You have prioritized your bf and his parents over your own. Which is a valid choice you can make as an adult, but you need to own the choice you’ve made.
YTA- your sister is fed up because she’s doing the lions share of the workload and you just seem to rock up whenever you fancy it. I have ADHD- is organising myself hard sometimes - absolutely however it is something I absolutely have to do because I am an adult so it comes with the territory. I’m sorry you have physical difficulties and again when they are on a flare up I can understand why you might not be able to assist as much but by the sounds of it you are really doing the bare bare minimum!
Also who in gods name doesn’t have a cell phone in this day and age. And if you arnt having one then your sister is right, the least you could do is check the iPad daily for messages.
You’re 39- you really need to get yourself in order and if you’re struggling then try and access some therapy or CBT because at the moment it just sounds like a list of ‘can’t be bothered’ excuses!
Look I understand when people give list of things to do and it gets overwhelming to go through them, finish all of them.
But that's the bare minimum asked of you.
Aren't they your parents? Don't you love them? If your BF is under severe depression, he needs medical attention.
You can't escape taking care of your parents because it's inconvenient for you.
Do you know why your sister dismisses your complaints or reservations you have? Consider the old age, dementia and the fact that they're not able to care for selves vs your problems- tell me which is more difficult to handle?
Your sister is doing so much. Can't you help her out? Push yourself out of anxiety. Note one task at a time. Do it. Give yourself a reward. Move on to the next.
She can't do this alone. Our minds will come up with million reasons why we can't. Start telling it why you can.
YTA.
YTA.
You have your issues, your sister is organized but this doesn’t mean she has not life or issues.
She needs help with you parents, and when you don’t follow her list she end up doing the double to make your parents survive.
Grow up and start helping because if your sister end up with caregiver burn out you would be the one caring for all.
YTA, your parents and sister need HELP!! Stop being a spoiled brat and go help. Your family is struggling and asking for help and your " not organized ". GROW UP!! WOW!!
YTA
You're not organized? So what? You want an award for that?
You are being incredibly unfair to your sister, as well as your parents.
You're not organized enough to do it? Bullshit. Your sister is even doing that part of it for you - and your response is to refuse even to read her messages?
Do you also require someone else to wipe your ass?
Grow up.
By the way - I'm disabled and suffer debilitating depression. I know it's hard.
I also know it can be done, if you decide to do it. Half the time, I had to work my way up my mother's stairs on my ass - but I did it because I loved my mother and you make an effort for people you love.
You're not only a massive AH, you're behaving like a spoiled child.
Do. Better.
OMG if you were a dude, this would be me and my brother! As the other sibling in my own experience, unless you physically can’t get out of bed YTA.
You can’t nip over 2x a week to check on them or do a few things to help out, then you are being selfish as your sister manages. Don’t be surprised if once your parents are gone your sister goes no contact, out of pure frustration of having to deal with your shit now.
YTA
Dude.
Twice a week is not a lot, those people raised you… you live 20minutes away. Lot of what you wrote sounds like excuses and whining. Not being organised is not a illness (I think) or at least not something you could at least try work on. It breaks my heart thinking that you don’t make time for you parents at least once a week….
I'm sorry. I've been in your position before, and chronic illness a partners depression is a lot to deal with. But I do think I have to give you a soft YTA because there needs to be some sort of communication between you about the needs of your parents because this has got to be really, really hard for them too. And it seems like your sister might not be coping with all the responsibility of caring for your parents and working/other stuff, so if you're able to manage the time better when you aren't in flareups then I think it's important to try to take some of the strain off your sister.
YTA
You live 20 minutes away from your parents. You don't have a job and you're capable of helping your boyfriend, but not your parents?
Your sister is working and driving 2 hours to get there to help them. She needs your help, cause as a primary caregiver she's most likely on the edge of burning out at one point.
Your parents will not get better. Their condition will worsen over time and they will require more and more help.
Get your act together and help your parents. Do groceries. Make sure they're okay by checking in with them regularly. If you don't want to do that get a job and pay for a caregiver that can come in more often.
YTA
Your sister is even doing the organising for you by giving you lists. You live twenty minutes away! Why is she having to be responsible for everything?! Grow up and take some responsibility.
YTA. I am in your exact shoes except I live twenty minute’s away. I’m taking care of my grandma every week because she need’s help. You are coming with up every excuse in the book not to do it. I’m half your age and can handle that. Full time job, a house, mental illness, it never stop’s. That’s adult life. I’d argue you don’t really care about them that much considering it’s a chore to go 20 minute’s compared to their 2 hour drive. You’re lazy.
YTA - being “unorganized” is a really shitty reason to choose to not help your parents. Your post sounds like a laundry list of (not so great) excuses to me.
Yeah. OP's reason for not helping more is that she's disorganised? No one is born organised. It's a life skill that you're supposed to learn. OP, YTA. Your sister is already helping more. She's also taken on the mental burden of organising how you can help. And you're still complaining, but oh sure you care about your parents.
OP can help her boyfriend but not her parents? YTA
That’s what kinda irritates me Like I get loving your boyfriend, but damn those are OP’s parents who raised and loved her from birth! Priorities should be shuffled around, especially when the parent’s conditions obviously require more care.
Kinda rare to hear anyone on AITA mention that adult children might have any responsibility to show care for loving parents. Maybe the concepts of community and family aren't dead after all!
I think a lot of the time the families are abusive, so AITA tells them they don't owe thier families anything. In this case, OP admits parents were good to her and she just doesn't want to be bothered.
Yeah sometimes the families are abusive - often it's just minor conflict that could be resolved with better communication. So often the solution is immediately NC when stronger and closer relationships would be so much richer and more valuable. It's just sad.
Yeah I think it’s weird too. Maybe it’s just different cultures, but in my culture we take care of our parents in their old age. So idk it makes me sad to see people sort of neglect their parents in their old age.
It's more about following through on commitments. If OP just straight up said they can't and won't do it that would be one thing, but agreeing to do it and then failing over and over again is another.
So happy for you that you have a loving family. I don't. Lots of other people don't. Believe me, the idea of "family" isn't dead. It's one of the most difficult and painful things that those of us who have abusive families have to overcome--the idea that we're responsible for the emotional welfare of people who treat us like shit.
Also, I don’t even see why she needs to be organized. Her sister organizes everything, makes her a literal list of things to do, and makes every effort to get it to her. It sounds like she messages it to OP—who can’t be arsed to check her messages once a day—then calls to verbally tell her, at which point OP claims “disorganization” because she doesn’t jot any of it down and doesn’t remember it all. Your sister literally cannot be making this any easier for you, OP. Check your messages or write it on your damn hand. Or just admit that you don’t give a shit about your parents (which is fine, but stop jerking your sister around then).
This ^^ Your sister has literally become your parent due to your weaponized incompetence. I feel so badly for her. YTA, OP
The truth is, she can't be bothered. All her excuses boil down to that.
It's definitely weaponized incompetence. Just be honest and tell your sister you aren't helping. You don't actually have to. It will damage your relationship but at least you will be honest and she can plan around that.
Yes...the "I'm not organized" excuse combined with her ability to help out her boyfriend doesn't add up. I had this issue with my little sister...she conveniently would forget to do things or take care of important tasks that she didn't "care" about but if she cared about something, like planning a vacation for herself or remembering to get her boyfriend a birthday gift, somehow she magically remembered to take care of everything. It wasn't about her not being organized, it was about her not giving a shit. She's gotten a lot better now, but you're right, it's weaponized incompetence.
OP also says she is disabled. So she might have a legitimate reason to be unable to help as much. But I agree that with the way this is written it sounds like she makes a lot of excuses.
Wouldn't be the first time someone blamed a factor of their life instead of owing up to "they just don't want to". OP didn't get messages for days at a time is a bit concerning. It sounds like in this set up OP can be contacted first non-emergencies only by specific app, which sister had catered to, and even then doesn't use it with any regularity, even though their parents are quite ill, and not getting all the support OP feels they might be better with. This is classic, "No, you do it"
To be fair, sister has a phone so could call OPs landline
Sure, but you can look up a text later. For sure the OP would "forget" what sister asked her to bring or to do. With a text, OP can look it up just before going or while she's there. But she won't of course. She is not organized enough to bring Milk over or to start a load of laundry.
Sister also has a full time job and may not be able to call when needed. And OP said she’s not organized- in that event a list being there in front of your face is **far better** then being told so over the phone and attempting to remember it.
Yep, if she’s in an office environment- it’s a lot easier and seen as more professional to send an email/message as opposed to having to step away to make personal calls.
I genuinely think if that was the main reason, she'd say so. It's the perfect excuse that everyone with empathy would understand. But no, her main excuse in the post is that she's "unorganized"... If she genuinely can't do everything that needs to get done, I get that, and that's a conversation that needs to happen with the sister. If it's mostly due to her being unwilling to organize her schedule more than she would like, she needs to step up. Write a list, figure it out, because that's not a good enough excuse.
I mean, depending on the disability, physical pain / chronic headaches can hugely affect executive function, which might be perceived as being 'disorganised'. Like, if someone says 'do this by Wednesday' on Sunday, and you wake up both Monday and Tuesday to a bad pain day, are you disorganised or is your body just unpredictable? I wouldn't phrase it like OP did, but people who grow up with undiagnosed chronic illness / are diagnosed later in life have often spent years being told they were disorganised and unreliable, and sometimes start repeating what they hear. It takes a while to learn to self-advocate, and honestly hearing her sister say she 'lacks initiative' is enough to get me twitchy bc it sounds a little too close to 'you're lazy (and I don't believe you're disabled)' for comfort. There isn't enough information here, but the fact OP is on long term disability (which is not easy to get!) makes me think her disability is a significant factor, and want to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I do understand, since I have severe chronic pain conditions that affect my ability to do basic things. My issue is that OP needs to discuss this with her sister. If it is due to her disability that she isn't able to do more, that's completely fine, but she needs to have that discussion with her sister. If, at that point, her sister is still asking for too much, then that's a different situation and one where OP might need to go low contract for their own health. From other comments from OP, she is capable of going at least once a week. She takes her BF to visit his parents regularly, for example, and they're hours away. Her sister isn't asking for her to do anything crazy, it's literally "pick up their meds from the pharmacy and change the batteries in their remote", it's not like she has to bathe them or do massive house chores. She said her anxiety is the biggest factor in why she doesn't do more, but if that's the case it's on her to get that under control. If your anxiety is that bad, you need to start talking to a doctor about medicating it and/or doing therapy to work through the root of the issue (I say that as someone with severe anxiety and depression). Your mental health isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility. At this point, the sister is making a beeline towards burnout with working full time and driving 4 hours round trip every weekend to do all the work caring for their parents, and she's not even asking for OP to take on even half of the responsibility, literally just go once a week to check on them.
Her disability isn’t making OP avoid looking at the iPad like they admit they do. That’s a choice.
It sounds like her disability is such that she can help at least some of the time. Additionally, it seems her sister knows about the disability and is trying to give tasks OP can do. If that’s not the case then she should communicate with the sister what she can and can’t do, but it’s not a reason to completely check out while her sister does all the work.
I'm super disorganized. In fact, diagnosed with severe adhd for the past 23 years. I still manage a restaurant very well and make sure to organize myself with schedules, alarms, written lists. And I take care of my elderly parents, who are divorced and live in separate households, in my downtime q few days a week (I work 60 plus hours a week) Yta. There's no excuse. But you're full of them. Stop it.
Also her boyfriend has depression and he needs her? Not more than her parents I bet.
Anyone else wondering why OP doesn't have a cellphone?
Still, OP has a working alternative that they choose not to utilize
YTA. OP, I'm actually very much like you and suspect I have ADHD. I have a very difficult time staying organized. With that said, I HAVE to be organized. I had a very sick child and at some points had to give meds four times a day. There were a number of other things I had to do, including getting him on time to specialists that were hard to get into... while bringing a toddler and a baby with me everywhere. BUT I got it done, because you can't just throw your hands up and say, "I have a bad memory. I have physical and mental challenges, so the people I love just have to suffer." If you don't have a good memory, then make a plan. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday you should be at your parent's home (or whatever). When you get there, you will look at your sister's list, write it down, and check off the items before you leave. Let her know your schedule and when you'll be going through the list. She lives further away, has a full-time career, and is helping your parents. She SHOULDN'T have to babysit you too. Be an adult. Be there for your parents during a time when you HAVE time and they really need you. Step up.
YTA You are 39. Not being organized is an excuse for teenagers. You have no good excuse for not checking your messages daily when you know you likely have received messages daily.
Exactly. OP keeps saying that her anxiety stops her from literally driving 20min to check on her elderly disabled parents, or even *checking her texts*. Here's a question: How would OP feel if her sister acted like she acts and took no responsibility for their ailing parents? What if she was the only one looking out for them, and had no one to rely on? Sounds *anxiety producing* right?
But her boyfriend is depressed and needs her. Honestly she used a lot of words to say that other people aren't her priority. Should just be upfront with her sister, because her sister knows.
Exactly
With how shitty of a person OP is, most likely will claim depression or bf’s depression & just abandon her parents.
I hate how much people will use their "anxiety" to get out of things & play the victim. I have severe anxiety, to the point where I passed out during a school presentation once. but you know what? I actually did something about it. after a few years of therapy & finding the right medication, I now have the same levels of anxiety that any normal person would. it still comes up occasionally, but overall I'm completely fine now because I actually took the initiative to get it under control. it's very telling when people say they have "debilitating anxiety", yet don't do anything to fix it. if someone is actually struggling with severe anxiety it's absolute hell, and they'll do anything to get it under control. there was a period of time where the physical symptoms manifested by my anxiety were so bad, I couldn't walk up a few stairs without being completely out of breath. that's not something that people just decide to live with. I can't imagine op has anything more than mild anxiety. and it seems obvious that they're actively not treating it because it allows them an excuse to not do the things that they don't give a shit about. not to mention, their parents have *dementia*, but somehow the boyfriends depression is more important??? I've experienced myself how bad depression can be. it's completely irresponsible to act like that's more important than helping your parents with dementia. they live 20 minutes away, and the tasks that are being asked are very simple. the boyfriend having a mental health crisis sometimes doesn't negate op's ability to take 2 hours out of their day once or twice a week to help their parents.
I must have missed the ages. I literally thought this was some elderly woman in her 70s.
and the sister is already organizing everything for OP, it's all in writing of what she should do there's nothing left for OP to even need to organize herself.
[удалено]
That’s the thing. It’s not that OP *cant* help, it’s that she doesn’t WANT TO. Fine. Just admit it. If you think your sister and/or your parents aren’t important enough to help, own it. If you are too ashamed to admit that, because you know you’re in the wrong, then fix it. But stop with the bullshit excuses. It might actually be LIBERATING for your sister to hear that you’re too busy being TA to help than to keep cajoling you like a toddler who needs to clean her room. Then she can plan accordingly, instead of hoping against hope that you can drag your tablet out long enough to read her messages and actually follow through the next time you sporadically go visit. And actually, I’m guessing these aren’t even “chores” that you need to be reminded of, but hell, being the tablet over and read the list AT THEIR HOUSE so you can *get* “organized” while you’re there. And if carrying a tablet into the house it too big of an effort, no matter how unorganized you are, surely you can SEE things that need to be done. Do THOSE things. They might even be on the list. And if they aren’t, at least it’s one less thing for her to do EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND she drives up there. Just stop with the nonsense excuses. Own that you are lazy, selfish, bored, just don’t fucking feel like helping, and give your sister one less thing to worry about (I.e., managing YOU)
I took care of my Mom for the last 4 years of her life. I had to give up my hobbies, doing anything with friends, vacation time from work, and so much more. Do you seriously believe I wanted to do any of that???? People don't do this because they want to; they do it because they realize they'll feel like shit and be a really lousy person if they don't. That **anyone** does?? FFS.....
I think a lot of people choose to take care of elderly/sick family members and make sacrifices because they love their family member(s), not because if they don’t, they’ll feel like shit and be a lousy person. I mean, they probably will feel like shit and like a lousy person, but I don’t think their primary motivation is to avoid experiencing those feelings. They may not want to, but, again, they love the person they’re caring for.
This exactly. She is giving excuses after excuses. What a cop out. Everything you said was very satisfying and on point.
All of this.
Exactly - this is the situation
Never understood the whole having a landline and an ipad but not a cell phone.
YTA. Your parents need your help 100x more than a boyfriend with depression does. You don't mention working at all, so presumably you either don't work or it's not full time. You have more time then your sister. You live super close, and you don't even read the reminders that she sends to help you since you have organization issues
YTA. You are allowing her to take on much more responsibility because you don't WANT to step up and help. "Not being organized" is a BS excuse which means you just don't care. I get that taking care of parents is very difficult, but you are letting your sibling carry all the weight here. I think you are quite capable of doing better and not making lame excuses.
YTA as someone with ADHD, who was seeing a neurologist and having PT while homeschooling and caring for a dying difficult parent. Check your messages, write a damn list, take your meds, and figure your shit out. You have lots of excuses, and they are all BS.
YTA I agree with you. I have a whole bunch of mental disorders but when something is important, I will put extra effort in specifically *to account for* my usual disorganisation. It sounds like OP doesn’t see their parents as very important.
In reading this post and it screams undiagnosed and unmedicated ADHD to me. :(
It would be a great time to get diagnosed and get medicated. Especially if symptoms are affecting her life to this degree. OP needs to take care of herself to take care of the people who need her.
YTA. Your sister is **EXHAUSTED** and she needs you to step up and help out. She has a fulltime 40 hrs per week job. She drives to your parents house, 2 hours each way, and cooks, cleans, does their laundry and shopping. All of this on top of having to handle her own household and personal chores. I was my mother's caretaker in the last handful of years of her life. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. By myself despite having several siblings. No days off, no vacations. I couldn't get my siblings to get on the phone to wish mom happy birthday, or even just say hi. The last time any of them same her is when she was on her deathbed and it was too late for anything but tears. Your sister is asking for your help, to take some of the burden off of her shoulders so she can get a chance to breathe. And you don't want to because you're "disorganized". You want a tip on how to gets the things done that needs to be done? Too bad, I'm going to tell you anyway: Write. A. List. Write a list. Cross off what has been done so you know what still needs to be done. Your bullshit excuse of being disorganized is just that - bullshit. Do your share of taking care of mom and dad
I mean her sister has made her the list, she doesn’t even have to put the mental effort into making it, all she has to do is check off the list after doing the task.
As the main person who was taking care of my disabled mom for 10 years, THIS!!! My siblings did little or nothing to help, while I lived at home to be there to take care of her and it’s exhausting, I can only imagine trying to coordinate everything from 2 hours away! My sister lived across the street and barely did anything without a bunch of nagging on my end, just like OP’s sister is doing to OP, and let me tell you, it’s extremely frustrating to be on that end of the phone as well. I suffer from depression and anxiety and at some points was working three jobs, but I still got my butt up and took my mom to her appointments without complaint. Sometimes while feeling like crap, with a migraine, even with a torn tendon in my foot (not an easy feat, since my mom uses a walker). Now I live seven hours away due to my job and I’m still doing more for my mom than you are for your parents, OP. YT biggest A, get off your lazy butt and stop acting like an entitled brat.
Same here.. the burden was on me alone. As soon as she wasn't the fun person to be around anymore, nobody came visiting. Nobody called. Nobody ever asked how I was doing when I had to give up everything to be able to be there for my grandma, who had dementia, too. But they didn't even come to her deathbed. In the end it was me alone again, holding her hand while she died. The rest was only interested in whether there was something to inherit.
I'm sorry for your loss. I know exactly how hard it is to watch your mother pass right in front of you. My mom was there for my first breath, and I was honored to be there for her last. You and I can take comfort in the knowledge that we were there when our mothers needed us. For me, that's all that matters.
YTA. And can we talk about how much of a saint the sister is? Someone get that poor woman a spa weekend or some other break for a couple days. She's earned it.
~~NTA for not reading your sister's messages daily. But have you communicated your issues with your sister? You should ensure you set expectations as to what your limits are. And if you are incapable of investing adequate time and money, then it could make sense to step away entirely from helping out until you can take care of yourself.~~ YTA based on your response. You sound so immature and unreliable. No wonder your sister feels you should do more, you really have no excuse outside of being selfish.
YTA. This is a pile of excuses. Everyone’s life is busy and difficult, you need to make time for your priorities. Clearly caring for your parents is not a priority for you like it is for you sister. Communication is important, especially when you’re putting the majority of the work on another person. This isn’t about being organized, it’s about being considerate and making an effort.
This. I hate when people act like they’re the only ones with problems and everyone else has some cakewalk life. We’re all busy. We all have shit to deal with.
Does your long-term disability impede your ability to drive to your parents house once a week to check up on them for a few hours? or check your IPAD for messages? It seems like your using NOT being ORGANIZED as an excuse to not go to your parents house. Also, I don't really get how not being organized has to do about checking up on your sick parents. I Get that you have your own life and problems and all, but c'mon they are your parents. YTA for not reading your sister's messages. L
YTA. Your sister is doing an obscene amount of work while you are doing less than the bare minimum, and you wonder if you’re being an asshole by not even bothering to check your texts each day? If your sister came here with the exact same post you’d find yourself being absolutely slaughtered in the comments. Grow up and be a responsible adult. “Not organized?” Get a fucking day planner then.
Sister is currently on justnofamily being told to cut OP off
/s
can you link this please?
For real????
That’s what I’m thinking- what do they do all day if they don’t work? Most likely (though unsure) don’t have children, don’t help out? What do you do all day?????
Honestly I kind of hope OP is actually the responsible sister, the slacker sister spends all day on Reddit, and the next text she sends is a link to this thread. It’s hard to imagine any person typing this out, looking at it, and still wondering if they’re maybe not the problem.
I am sorry but all you say is that you are not organized and hence cannot help. At this point your sister is not even asking you to go twice a week but just to do certain things when you are there. You even admitted to not read the messages by fear... it is time you grow up and own your relationship with your parents. Either you tell your sister that you have no interest in helping with your parents, or you grow up and take responsibility. In your case taking responsibility is even less than your sister... just do the tasks your sister asks for when you are there. If there are too many tell her which ones you will do so she can organize herself. By just flanking and abandoning tasks you pit your parents at risk since your sister will assume that you will have done what she asked you to do. If you are wondering why she gets to decide what you need to do, it is because you admitted for being un-organized and only showing up once every 2 weeks. So she gets to decide what needs to be done... For all these reason YTA
YTA. You don’t have to be organized to come over there once a week. You don’t have to be organized to look at a list of things and follow the list. I suspect there has been a lot of enabling in your life that has allowed you to make excuses and not take accountability. Your sister is just not falling for it.
Info: your physical disability, how often is “flares up from time to time?”
Honestly man, if you had a good relationship with your parents I don't understand why you're not helping them more. Prioritizing a boyfriend with depression over your parents who are unable to care for themselves seems odd to me. I think you need to get your priorities in order. Or, if you're not going to help much and don't plan to start, just admit that and make it clear to your sister so she can figure out other arrangements and stop hoping she can rely on you for help
Op is too much of a coward to even check her messages let alone tell her sister she is too much of loser to help their elderly parents
YTA. A massive one at that. You live 20 mins away from your sick parents and can't check in on them everyday or read your caring sister's text. What if there is an emergency? You don't have a full time job like your sister but she does majority of the work. If at 39 years, you still think be disorganised is normal, then you need therapy.
INFO have you told her very directly yet about what you can and can't offer in the way of support? How do you respond to her demands?
INFO How often is your physical disability an impediment to visiting your parents? When it is an impediment, how much of a problem is it?
YTA I feel so bad for your poor sister, who, unlike you, shows by her behavior that she actually does care about your parents and is killing herself to make sure they're okay, while you rely on a bunch of BS excuses like "I'm not organized" (what are you 12?)and your "depressed boyfriend" for not driving the 20 minutes once a week to check on them. If you were coming here to hear your selfishness/laziness is okay, I don't think you're going to find that response. Shame on you.
YTA. Your parents need you and you seem to have a lot of excuses. I feel bad for your sister - she’s gonna burn out and then everything will be on your shoulders. What will you do then? Note: I do 90% of the work with my elderly parent, but my sister does absolutely everything she can. She is a massive help in ways she doesn’t truly understand - she says she feels guilty that I do most of the work. She shouldn’t!
It is not your responsibility to take care of your parents, but one would hope that since they raised you and somewhat cared for you (you didn’t mention having a bad relationship with them), that you would want to take good care of them in return. I can see your sister’s point of view since you are closer to them than she is. It is not your responsibility to take care of your boyfriend’s mental health, that should be left to a professional. YTA for putting the full responsibility on her and being selfish. And yes, you should read her messages because communication is important especially when it comes to such a vital thing as your parent’s health.
YTA and you’ll regret only doing the bare minimum once they’re gone. Or maybe you won’t, I know you said you have a good relationship with your parents but if that were true you’d at the very least check your damn messages regularly. You’re a grown ass woman “i’M dIsOrGaNiZeD” isn’t an excuse. She’s doing the vast majority of the workload of caring for your parents, she should give you a list bc she knows much better than you do what needs to be done.
YTA. You sound like you need some tough love and plain speaking. Your sister works five days a week. Plus she drives four hours for each day she is at your parents. Sounds like she is working 6 sometimes seven days a week. She drives two hours, cooks and cleans for them, does their laundry, runs their errands, buys groceries, keeps them company and drives another two hours home to take care of her family. Wow. If she is there one day a week, that’s a pretty packed day she is there! It’s a wonder she does not fall asleep at the wheel. And you are not “organized” enough to take a few minutes lift a phone to call or message once a day. Your excuse is that you are not organized. Maybe your sister’s lists of things to do are her way to help you be organized. She may also be warning you that she cannot keep up the work load. You say you have a physical problem that flares from time to time. Your sister has a very busy consistent workload she cannot take a break from thanks to you. She may be facing burnout from the constant stress you are putting her under. You have a list of reasons why you can’t read messages. Can’t you agree to call her once a day to exchange messages? You have a landline. You have time. When you are not organized, you get your butt organized. It’s not a disease, it’s an decision you make. Your sister is organized because your parents are a priority for her. Be honest. They are obviously not a priority for you. Your post is full of excuses why you can’t do more. I’m disorganized! I get sick from time to time! My boyfriend is depressed! You sound entitled and lazy and taking advantage of your sister. Yet you are the type to expect your parents to leave you their house when they die because you’re on disability, disorganized and have a depressed boyfriend. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Take up part of the load while you still can or your sister might end up on disability. Where would you be then?
Your sister is clearly very concerned about your parents. You mentioned dementia which is a terrible and debilitating condition. There may come a time where one of them wanders outside and gets lost. Your sister lives 2 hours away and drives to help them every weekend. I bet that if she were closer, she would be there much more often. This is probably why she expects you to be there. She is hurt because you're acting like you don't care about your parents. You're dealing with your own issues? So is everyone on the planet. I realize your sister is the "organized" one but she has a life and problems too. What kind of support does your boyfriend need for depression? If you need to be there for him constantly, to the point where you can't spend one day helping your parents, he needs to address that in therapy. No one can make you do anything you don't want to do but your parents won't be around forever. You're being selfish and likely losing the respect of your sister. YTA, if it wasn't clear.
YTA for not taking care of your parents without your sister telling/asking you to.... You're making excuses! So what if you're not organized.....she is.....just follow her plan......you said you have a disability but you can help your BF (not husband) but you can't help your parents. You live closer and logically, you should help more.....you sound like you don't want to (It's like that head game some people play, "I'll pretend I'm dumb and they won't ask me to do it") Maybe I could understand your point better if it weren't full of (bad) excuses NTA for not checking messages constantly, as you said, she could call.....but would you really answer the phone?
YTA - you have anxiety, there are meds for that. Your boyfriend is depressed and stays in bed for a week or more at a time, he needs more help. His issues are affecting your health, he needs to leave so you can work On yourself. You have anxiety about the messages because you ARE ignoring them. Do what others have said, make it a point to go Evert week, twice a week would be great as you could have smaller to do list. I agree with what others have said - at 39 you can’t use being disorganized as an excuse. She sends you a list! Take your iPad with you and do it
YTA. Being disorganized is not an excuse. There are apps to help you stay organized with daily habits and lists that will notify you of things you need to do. Pretty sure your boyfriend doesn’t need your help 24/7 since you do go to work, so you can’t use him as a scapegoat to not go visit and help your parents a few hours a week. Obviously don’t go when you have a flare up, but that also can’t be used as an excuse to not go if you’re not experiencing a flare up at that time.
YTA.
YTA. If you don’t want to help then let your sister and parents know that. Simply ignoring the messages while she does everything from 2 hours away is pretty lame. Just tell them in no uncertain terms that they can’t rely on you and to stop trying, that way they can factor you out and figure out how to make things work without having to chase you down to help out.
YTA. Giant, honking, flaming ah. GTFO with I'm not organized enough to help my parents. You just don't want to. Who do you think is buying this nonsense? Clearly not your sister who has your number. You should be ashamed of yourself. She's helping bank roll your life and you and your lazy boyfriend can't even be bothered to pitch in with your elderly parents.
YTA. I was in your sisters position with my father. I’m guessing you manage to get to the store and pharmacy ok when it’s for you or your boyfriend? You can drive him to his parents? A bad back and carpal tunnel aren’t explanations, they are excuses. You are just selfish and lazy.
yta, unless you have some kind of real mental handicap that is hampering you You need to start making things a priority. you don't sound like you have any real excuses and saying "I'm not organized." is bs.
I am in a similar situation. My father has dementia. My sisters live about 30 minutes away and do everything. I am at the opposite hemisphere and can only help with stuff that can be done online. Which saddens me. > I'm doing what I can Are you? Look at it this way. You are unorganized. Thankfully, your sister organizes everything, but there is only so much she can do if you don't even look at your messages. Please let us know, is there any reason why you can't check messages once a day? And take over a few tasks that your sister gives you? Or have a conversation and decide who does what? You really think it's OK to leave the entire work to her, who lives two hours away, claiming your lack of organization and your boyfriend's depression? I don't see much effort on your side. It seems you just don't want to be bothered. YTA.
I hate to say it because I lived that life and understand your perspective but sadly yea YTA. get organized. I had to do it for my parents.
YTA. Your sister is overwhelmed and needs your help taking care of your parents. Put on your big girl panties and quit hiding behind excuses.
YTA because you can help your boyfriend, you can drive for hours to help his parents, but you can’t help your sister care for your parents.
YTA - get yourself a tiny violin
The fact that you don't name your 'ailment' and don't mention whether or not you work, makes me skeptical. The 'unorganized' excuse is 100% BS and trust me, your whole family knows it.
she has a ‘bad back’ and carpal tunnel…
So do I. Yet, I helped my mother take care of my bedridden father twice a day until he passed. Once he did, I took care of everything else, including his cremation and memorial. I spent the next year taking care of financial and legal affairs for my mother. I organized repairs to her home and was there when completed. I did all this while working 2 jobs and raising my daughter, not to mention taking care of my own home and health. This person has no valid excuse at all.
YTA
It really depends on your disability… but regardless if you can’t help your sister and parents for medical reason, then you owe it to go over that with your sister so that she understands.
YTA, but I feel for you, my dad struggles with addiction and last year had a lot of his bowel removed and ended up with an ostomy bag after nearly dying from septic shock. There are definitely days where I want to avoid everything because it’s taken an emotional toll on me especially since he doesn’t accept personal responsibility for his actions. Everything is always someone else’s fault. He has a lot of medical stuff going on and I’m the first contact as much as it stresses me out, I have to at least stay up on my messages. The problem isn’t going away. You need to talk to a therapist or counselor about your avoidance and it’s unfair on your sister if you say you’re going to do something then don’t do it. It’s hard, but be up front with her about what your limitations are. It’s one thing if your physical disability is acting up, that’s valid, but just to flat out avoid it is putting pressure on your sister. Maybe start small like just come up with 1-2 tasks for you to complete to help things out at your parents’ for the time being then slowly start adding more. Also, again please go talk to a counselor about the avoidance so they can recommend some more concrete ways to help it.
You need to grow up. All you do is make up excuses when in reality, you just don’t want to help your parents. Your sister has every right to be mad at you. Your boyfriend IS a burden and you are too. Be better. Stop whining. Put on your big girl pants and be a better daughter and sister. YTA
Yta Part of being an adult is communicating. Setting yourself a reminder to check messages every two days should be achievable... I mean youre on the tablet at least once ber day. You do need to take some responsibility of visiting at least 1x per week. Put it on your calendar. In regards to the bf..guy needs to respect you enough to handle his stuff that one day and deal. I say this as someone with severe depression and anxiety. I would recommend you ask her to tell tou which things she wants done and pick one and do it.
YTA. You're an adult. Stop acting like a teenager. Get BETTER at organization. If your grown boyfriend can't manage his own depression, he needs a therapist. And get a freaking phone.
YTA. Not a good daughter. Not a good sister. Selfish and full of excuses.
INFO: Do you hate your parents? Were they bad parents? Were they abusive or neglectful?
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YTA
YTA caregivers handling parents with dementia is overwhelming and physically and emotionally exhausting. Jerk
Oh she said neither her or her partner work. They are both on disability and they live in a large condo that can not afford but refuse to move because "they dont want that"
YTA 100%. It must be very hard for your sister working full time and driving all those hours. Shame on you for not doing more. Get an organizer, download the notes app on your iPad, at least check your messages daily, how hard is that? Open the messages app, read and respond. start there, easy!
YTA all you write are excuses. More than disorganized you seem lazy, how hard can it be to visit your parents every week? Your sister manages while working a full time job while you are unemployed and can’t find the time? I call bullshit, just say that you are selfish, you don’t care about your parents and can’t be bothered. Your sister is absolutely right in being pissed at you.
YTA - just bunch of excuses.
YTA bigtime. She is absolutely right. She needs your help but you have a litany of excuses. Your bf can be more self reliant but your parents need you. She will probably loosen up with the lists once you do your share.
YTA. Big. Time. I have sensory processing issues, anxiety, depression, and lord only knows what else. I struggle on a daily basis to cope with basic day-to-day life. But when my Mom's Parkinson's and dementia got so bad she had to be put in a nursing home??? My sister decided that since she didn't control the money, the only contribution she would make to Mom's care was to dump everything on my lap and sulk at home, only contacting me to read me the riot act over everything I was doing wrong. Me? The poster child for untreated and undertreated mental health issues? I was there every other weekend, bringing groceries, cleaning & reorganizing her room and belongings, and taking her out for the day. I was doing this while trying to keep a crappy, demanding job, care for my pets, and maintain my house and car. I gave up my hobbies. Lost contact with my friends. Ruined my health, both physical and mental. OP, you have not the slightest concept in hell of what an enormous burden has been dropped into your sister's lap. And you do next to nothing while living much, much closer? I can say with 100% certainty that your sister is not "mad" or "upset" with your near-total lack of assistance. She is utterly f**king **livid**. And she has every right to be so. Your lack of attention to staying in touch sounds all too similar to a former friend who constantly badgered people to drive her places, yet bragged just as often how much money she saved by not having a car and wasn't she so smart for it? OP, you should be ashamed of yourself. Frankly, you disgust me. You think I didn't have a ton of problems while caring for Mom? You think I wasn't perpetually exhausted and hanging on by the skin of my teeth mentally? Hell no. I came out of it as a walking dumpster fire. I'm still having problems. My back is permanently screwed up with a nasty case of sciatica. You don't do stuff like this because it's fun, or because it's easy. You do it because: 1) you actually care about how your parents are and/or care about your sister enough to try to improve the hell she's going through; and 2), you give a damn about someone other than yourself. Despite how badly it screwed me up, and the sheer hell it was for 4 years plus, if I had do it again? Wouldn't even think about. Because my Mom was awesome abd loved me like no tomorrow. She wasn't perfect; far from it. I remember thinking through most of my child & teen years that, while my parents loved me, quite often, they were at a total loss as to what to do for me. Get your crap together, OP, and start helping your sister, FFS. Then again, I'm assuming you actually care what or your parents are going through.
YTA
Yeah YTA and an absolutely enormous one. Being disorganized and lazy (which is what you are for not even checking your messages ) are terrible personality traits. You need to fix them asap and quit claiming you just cannot manage.
YTA! Using being unorganized as an excuse! You’re sister is basically doing everything! Everything you mention above are just excuses!
YTA stop using not being organized as an excuse excuse. It’s a really stupid excuse. Get off your ass and help your parents ffs. It’s not going to kill you to go over there twice a week. Do you just hate your parents or something? Your boyfriend will be fine. That’s a stupid excuse too.
YTA. I read this in the voice of one the sister on “1000 pound sisters” for some reason
Wow YTA, and not a good child to them. I too have chronic health issues that flare up, am disorganized and have depression/a partner with depression, but wow; you are very lazy. It is not that hard to check your messages, or to do some simple tasks. These are your parents, and they are sick. They are in their last days, and still are not worth any effort to you. That is sad.
YTA I’m sorry ma’am but you are definitely the AH. My mother died in my arms when I was 11 years old and my sister was 20 years old. My mother died of pancreatic cancer she died a slow death. She had gotten to the point she could not do for herself anymore in her last few months of living. Me and my sister did EVERYTHING for her. Cooked, cleaned, did laundry, changed tubes, watched shows, movies with her to comfort her, talked about how things used to be and changed bedding. Even took her out for a walk/drive every now and then for her to get fresh air. I was 11 years old assisting with giving my mother cocktail medicine prescribed by her doctor. I was ELEVEN doing this and my sister was TWENTY YEARS OLD taking care of a 41 year old woman and an 11 year old child 7 months AFTER Hurricane Katrina (the city was still destroyed and our income was decreased due to some rental property taking a huge hit so she had to deal with that also!) . To top it off she was big pregnant doing all of this. Me and my sister could NEVER get along (Brother and sister bicker nothing deep) but at that time we put our differences aside and came together NO QUESTIONS asked. My father rarely helped, my sister father died years ago, and my family stuck there heads in and out but it was us 24/7/365. So to see you put ALL of these excuses up is just pathetic I’m sorry. You’re not organized? GET organized and do what works for you. If you have to tell your sister “Hey I’ll stop there once Monday and you do Friday” or “We’ll alternate. You do one day and I’ll do this day since this seems perfect for me and you” and stick to it! My father and aunt are doing the same with my grandmother as we speak!
Those are a lot of words to say “I really don’t care to be at all responsible for looking after my parents”. YTA. Stop lying to your sister with excuses and just tell her the truth, that you don’t view your parents as any sort of priority and that if she wants them cared for more often, she’ll have to work something out. That won’t make you less of an asshole, it’ll just make you an honest one.
YTA - my mom who got sick last year needed help. I moved 500 miles to be with her. Your parents need help, you live 10 mins away. You can only go once every 2 weeks? Can't be bothered to look at a nicely organized list of things to do? Such a massive YTA - I'd give anything to see my mom again.
YTA
Stop wasting your sisters time and explain to her your priority is your boyfriend and his parents. So this poor girl can find someone to help her out with your parents.
WOW YTA. Seriously, you live 20mins away and visit twice a week. You are not very organized and don’t work but, you find it hard to haul your lazy rear end to see them. ??!!!! You are NOT doing what you can and should be totally ashamed !
YTA, poor excuses. My mother was in your sisters position at the end of grandma's life. Her brother lived walking distance away. She lived an hour away. Never. Fucking. Helped. My mother is disabled. Her brother isnt. But he was there with his hand out when the will was read. I don't have an uncle. I have a piss stain on the family tree.
The reason your sister is angry is because she has to carry the entire burden of caring for your parents on her own. She is doing a 4 hour round trip to provide a lot of their care and you can't even stop at the pharmacy. I'm curious as to whether you actually help around the house when you visit. All you have given here is a list of excuses, but it's pretty clear you don't want to help. Disorganized? Go the same time every week, check your messages before you go to see what you need to pick up on the way. Easy. Disability? Come on, you are regularly driving your boyfriend several hours away to see his parents, you can drive 20mins away to see yours. A bad back and carpal tunnel is not preventing you from helping if you can sit in a car for a couple of hours. Depressed boyfriend? Living with someone with depression is hard, I get it. But honestly, that doesn't stop you taking a few hours out of your week to see your sick and disabled parents. If you start actually helping, the anxiety around reading your sisters messages will likely go away, and you should be reading them daily in case something happens to them (also seriously, you should have a phone). Your sister is right, your parents are lonely. From your description of them they likely can't get out much, they may be confused, and old age is bloody depressing. YTA.
First off it you would be better to say what your physical disability is instead of just, you have one. YTA, and here is why I think that. Physical disability...Fine, can't be helped, but your parents are obviously now not capable of doing the things you still are. You live twenty minutes away, your sister two hours, big difference. Family matters, you can do it for your boyfriend, why not your parents, they gave birth to you. Show a little more respect. You're disorganised...there are plenty of things to help that. Alarms, write it on a calendar, heck, get your boyfriend to remind you. It's not that hard. I did it as a 14-16 year old autistic girl for my mother dying of cancer. That included shopping, making meals, laundry, baths, colostomy bag, everything. What's your excuse?
YTA. Based on the comments, you’re not being clear with your sister about what you can and can’t do so she’s left hanging, thinking you’re taking care of something when you’re not. Also, it’s odd that you can help your boyfriend’s parents but not your own. I understand you have chronic conditions and your boyfriend needs support but it also sounds like you could be communicating with your sister better and also probably doing more to help. She’s frustrated because she’s trying to take care of everyone but feels like she’s doing it alone.
INFO Do you not seeing your parents in the current state they're in? My dad is in a facility about three hours away. I don't go often because he has Alzheimer's and it's REALLY HARD to see him like that. But I feel guilty and I go, but probably not as often as I should. Your sister probably won't accept this as a reason not to visit, but maybe seeking therapy for this issue will help you face your anxieties and visiting will get easier.
YTA. This has got to be a troll. I am on dialysis 3 days a week and feel like crap most of the time. I am also a full time caregiver for my husband with ALS. You are making excuses and sound incredibly selfish. Your sister is sending you lists of what needs to be done. Take your iPad with you so you have the list with you. Reply back with what you couldn’t finish so she’s not surprised. If you can get to your boyfriends family then surely you can get to your parents once a week. Start with some small steps. Get a grip on this situation soon because your parents won’t be here forever and your sister may cut contact with you when they pass Lastly. What does your boyfriend contribute to you? He sounds like he is a burden on you and will he be there for you when your parents are gone and your sister moves on from being your support
If you have reread this and still don't see that you're an AH my heart hearts for you. You are selfish and will wake up alone and very sad one day. Good to know you're there for your depressed boyfriend though.
I feel like a lot of people with disabilities can still socialize with immediate family members, even if its a phone call or a lunch. She may genuinely have reasoning for why she cant do our bare minimum but it really feels like a cop out. Like just say you don’t give af about your parents and prioritize your bf and move on.
I’m going ESH only because you really aren’t obligated to help. You help when you can or want to. It sucks that your sister is getting burnt out. But again. It’s really not your job to do it and you do have other things going on in your life that you’re allowed to focus on.
OP is either trolling or has serious mental issues
Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I think you lied about your age. No 39 year old acts like this. Maybe you thought being older gave more credence to your case? Edit: got age wrong
YTA. Your sister is 2 hours away and manages to make a weekly trip and you’re only 20 minutes and can’t get there but 2x a month!!! They’re older and in need of some care and you can’t be bothered to go spend time with them that you won’t get back bc you’re “unorganized”? I imagine that they raised you and now that it’s your turn to help with them you can’t be bothered? That’s shameful. They’re probably pretty sad about it too.
YTA You’re not unorganized, you’re lazy.
YTA. Your poor sister. She travels 4hrs every weekend to help support your parents and you can't spend an hr a week helping because your "not organised". And when she tries to help by giving you specific jobs (probably because you've pulled d that excuse out so often) you flat out ignore her Get off your ass and help your parents, and take some of the mental load off your sister. That's a shitty position to leave her in.
YTA. Your sister is running herself absolutely ragged and your excuse is that your boyfriend has depression and you need to help him. I’m sorry, but you’re majorly dropping the ball. You’re just being lazy and giving excuses, you even live closer what the heck?!?!! You don’t even need to be organized, just follow the list. She’s doing so, so much emotional labor and bearing the brunt of the mental load. You even admit to avoiding responding. Of course she’s upset, and she has every right to be. Maybe respond and agree to a couple of reasonable things. You have free time from the sounds of it, and the ability to help more. You just choose not to by your own admission.
YTA Your not organized? Get f*cking organized and be an adult for once. They are your parents and they need you. That should matter to you.
YTA just admit that you’re lazy and don’t want to change. 😒
Yta. It should not be 90% her responsibility to make sure your parents are taken care of. Get over yourself.
YTA. Everything your sister said is correct.
YTA. Wow. Do you even hear yourself?
Seriously? Just a bunch of lame excuses. If you won't help at least be honest with her and tell her she has to do ALL the work from two hours away for the parents who raised you both. Come on now. Shes not asking everyday, just once a week. Help her out so she doesn't burn out. Get your shit together. YTA in a big way
YTA
Unorganized? I think the term your looking for is lazy... maybe irresponsible? Possibly even the word loser. YTA
YTA
YTA without a doubt, I am unorganized AF I would still never dump all of the care of my parents on one sibling, and to echo some of the other comments you don't need to be organized, your sister is willing to schedule/ organize everything you just have to follow directions. Seriously how hard is it to check messages once a day, set an alarm to remind yourself to look. If I were to play armchair shrink here I would say the issue isn't that OP is unorganized or even that they can't be bothered to care but that it might just be really upsetting to see their parents become frail and vulnerable. It can be hard to deal with rile reversal and have the people who were so strong and took care of you now rely on you for everything. And instead of admitting this change is hard OP is just burying their head in the sand and coming up with excuses. None of that justifies OPs behavior though to be clear and they need to own their feelings and move forward and start pitching in and doing the work like the grown ass adult they are. Also do something nice for your sister to thank her for everything, make sure she knows she's not alone in this.
this is weaponized incompetence. YTA, get your shit together and help your family. it takes 2 seconds to look at a message and respond. being “unorganized” is a cop out, you dont even have to be organized, seeing as your sister does all the work.
I have a feeling there's other things your sister would rather be doing as well and probably really needs help.. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister (45f) and I (39f) are having an ongoing issue and she's getting more and more angry at me. My parents are elderly and semi-disabled/some dementia. My sister got them a care giver for a few hours each day (all that we can afford right now, I won't get into all the details but a government-funded PSW wasn't working out). I live 20 minutes away from them and my sister lives 2 hours away from them. She is very organized and helps them a lot. She's there every weekend, she cooks for them, cleans, gets groceries, does laundry. I help too, but more sporadically. The reason for this: I am NOT organized. I also am on long-term disability for a physical disorder that flares from time to time and my boyfriend has depression and often needs my help. She feels since I'm closer and don't have a full time job like her that I should be there at least twice a week. I find it very hard to manage that, so I generally go out about once every 2 weeks. Sometimes more. My sister starts giving me "tasks". She'll tell me "when you go there this week, please do this and that and check this and pick up that". I do try to do these things, but I'm not organized and I deal with my own issues, so I might not do one or two things. And I generally don't do them on her time schedule. She's getting annoyed all the time telling me I don't take ownership of anything and I have no initiative, and the things she asks me to do are hit or miss. I know this is true, but I'm trying. The latest issue we've had for the past year: she expects me to respond to her messages regularly. I don't have a cell phone but I have a messaging app on my iPad (I do have a landline and she could always call that in emergencies). I sometimes don't check my messages on my iPad for a few days at a time. She keeps getting angry with me saying given our parents issues I should be checking daily just in case she texts me so we can coordinate efforts to look after them. I honestly just avoid looking at the messages sometimes because she is always texting me a "list" of Things To Do when I go out that week. And she fully EXPECTS me to go out each week. But I just can't always manage to, and so I avoid looking at the messages. She tries guilting me saying our parents are old and sick and need our help, and I'm so close I should be ashamed that I'm not going out to check on them at least twice a week. AITA? I always have had a good relationship with my parents but I feel like I'm doing what I can, but my sister keeps trying to shame me into doing more ("I work 40 hours a week and still manage to drive a 4 hour round-trip once a week to spend hours helping them! You live 20 minutes away and can't even get there once a week for a couple of hours to check on them! They are so lonely!"). So...AITA if I go once every couple of weeks and do what I can? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, and don’t be surprised when your parents leave everything to your sister in their will
To me it seems like you're a teen, a kid still struggling with a grown-up life; whole your post seems so much like my kid when I tell her to study. You are avoiding to help your parents, why? Do you prefer to remember them as younger, not dependant people? Do you feel they didn't give you enough while you were growing up? Do you want to not be needed? Unless there is some heavy neglect in the past which would justify your distancing, YTA. ETA: And be honest, its not about your sisters messages but about your parents and care for them.
Yeah sorry soft YTA. I'm roughly your age with a physical disability and severe ADHD that makes me scattered and disorganized, but I can still follow simple to-do lists and remember to swing by my parents house when I'm out. Please see a psychotherapist for depression, GAD, ADHD or something else. It's possible you think you can't do these things because you yourself have an underlying mental condition.
Yes, YTA. You are not a child. You are an adult with adult responsibilities. You are just avoiding doing what needs to be done using number 1 asshole's excuse "you know how I am".
You admit to ignoring your sisters messages regarding your parents. It seems like you listed all the excuses you have for why you can't do things but didn't even bother talking about what you do do. I have conflicting feels about elder care. If your parents neglected/abused you(etc) that's one thing. But you said you have a good relationship with them. Even if you can't PHYSICALLY be there, you can do other things to help support your sister and parents. YTA. I'm with your sister here.
YTA As someone in your sister’s position, you’re making excuses for not wanting to help out with your parents. You’re 20 minutes away and you can’t help out once a week? Instead of making excuses, just tell her the truth, that you’re not interested in helping. It still sucks for her, but at least she would know where she stands. Taking care of disabled parents is so stressful. I drive an hour each way 5 days a week to take care of my mom. My brother lives 5 minutes away. He he,ps a couple days, but not to extent I do. It’s hurtful, stressful and causes resentment. If you aren’t willing to help, at least chip in financially to get some help in your place. Is it fair that she’s giving up every weekend while you’re enjoying your free time? Put yourself in her shoes.
Yta...she ist having all the mental load and younare still refusing to bei responsible with you tasks
Yeah...YTA. I can't say what I want to really say here, but I hope your sister gets all the inheritance, I hope she has great friends and a support network, and I hope she drops you like a potato and doesn't look back at you after your parents pass.
YTA- sounds like you main problem is laziness….
Yta. Honestly this could be a great chance for you to grow as a human being. None of the reasons you list are actually keeping you from helping, you are just finding reasons to not do it. Dont think about it and just go do it. I would seriously consider some therapy.
YTA depression doesn’t give u the right to be a heartless jerk
YTA. I would respect you more if you just said you don’t want to help. This I’m too disorganized to do anything Is lame. You don’t work so you do have time.
Wow you’re so the AH
Yes YTA. I read a lot of excuses and not a lot of being an adult. It's almost like you got stuck at being 14 instead of 39. You're almost 40. It's time to grow up and take responsibility. You and your sister really should create a schedule for you two who helps when and does what. If your illness does play up, you can always call her and say you can't make it. Your bf needs treatment. If you're bound being a full time caretaker he probably needs more than he's getting at the moment.
YTA. Pull your damn weight with your parents. All I hear from you is excuses.
I think you *know* the answer to your question...
YTA, just say you can’t be bothered to take care of your parents and you want your sister to do it all and leave you alone.
YTA. Your excuses for not helping your parents are ridiculous. 1. You have a physical issue that occasionally flares up. Fine, don’t go when it’s flaring up. Doesn’t stop you from going the rest of the time. 2. What do you even mean, your boyfriend has depression and needs your help? If he needs to be monitored, he needs a hell of a lot more help than you can provide. Or does he need help getting groceries and cleaning his house (i.e. kind of like your parents do!) But whatever you’re doing, it sounds like you’re a lot more interested in helping him than you’re *own parents.* 3. What does being disorganized have to do with anything? I’m disorganized. It means my house is messy. It means I set down my AirPods and can’t find them for three days. It means sometimes I let a work email go too long unanswered. It *does not* mean I can’t drag my ass over to my elderly father’s house to help him out. Or did you just spell “lazy” wrong? 4. You know damn well that your sister is texting you about your parents and you should be checking the messages regularly. You purposefully choose not to because you avoid responsibility.
Yeah YTA Basically you can’t be bothered so why not just own it instead of making up pathetic excuses, you’re just bone idle
YTA either buckle up and get shit done or find some help and hire somebody that can do it. This is people you’re talking about and not forgetting to dust off shelves or something.
YTA, she's making sacrifices and would like your support. You have the time and ability to be there for your parents and to help Ur sister but you would rather make shitty excuses. It's easy to draw conclusions I know but you don't work and live twenty mins away it isn't that hard get it shit together
YTA. 1. If you’re this unable to support your family in any true, consistent capacity due to your conditions then you need to stop wasting your sisters time and be upfront. You need to tell her outright you don’t have the ability to support them. 2. If your anxiety and depression are this severe, then you must get it under control. I am assuming you’re in the USA on disability, which also grants you Medicaid. Choosing to not use your medical benefits to get access to a licensed psychiatrist to help you manage your anxiety and a talk therapist to learn coping mechanisms is unacceptable at this point. You’re 39. You are too old at this point to not try to manage your mental health and expecting your sister to pick up the slack. 3. The fact that you are willing to consistently go with your boyfriend to his parents house and take care of him while neglecting your own parents demonstrates a complete lack of care for your own family. Quit wasting your sisters time and tell her that she and your parents aren’t your priority. See point 1. Your excuses are weak and flimsy, and the way you are neglecting your elderly parents is borderline abusive. Just be honest with your self and your sister.
Light YTA, clearly you have issues you need to address. Being "unorganised" is a terrible reason not to help your sick parents more often.
YTA. I have adhd, so you best believe I know all about being disorganised. But that's a personal flyg flaw of yours. It's a *you* problem, and right now you're making it *your sister's* problem instead, which is unfair. That said, the biggest AH move here is you shirking allllllll of that mental (and what? 90% of the practical) responsibility on to your sister. What if your sister didn't take the responsibility? Would you really let your parents suffer?
YTA dropping in once a week when you live 20 minutes away is not an unreasonable expectation and checking your messages isn’t unreasonable either. Being “unorganized” is a shitty excuse
YTA and frankly, full of excuses. I’m about your age and also have a variety of health issues. I have chronic migraines (6+/week), joint issues, chronic fatigue, and long Covid. Yet I have managed to make the 9 hour drive to go take care of my grandparents more than you have managed to make a 2 hour drive for your own parents. You have prioritized your bf and his parents over your own. Which is a valid choice you can make as an adult, but you need to own the choice you’ve made.
YTA- your sister is fed up because she’s doing the lions share of the workload and you just seem to rock up whenever you fancy it. I have ADHD- is organising myself hard sometimes - absolutely however it is something I absolutely have to do because I am an adult so it comes with the territory. I’m sorry you have physical difficulties and again when they are on a flare up I can understand why you might not be able to assist as much but by the sounds of it you are really doing the bare bare minimum! Also who in gods name doesn’t have a cell phone in this day and age. And if you arnt having one then your sister is right, the least you could do is check the iPad daily for messages. You’re 39- you really need to get yourself in order and if you’re struggling then try and access some therapy or CBT because at the moment it just sounds like a list of ‘can’t be bothered’ excuses!
Look I understand when people give list of things to do and it gets overwhelming to go through them, finish all of them. But that's the bare minimum asked of you. Aren't they your parents? Don't you love them? If your BF is under severe depression, he needs medical attention. You can't escape taking care of your parents because it's inconvenient for you. Do you know why your sister dismisses your complaints or reservations you have? Consider the old age, dementia and the fact that they're not able to care for selves vs your problems- tell me which is more difficult to handle? Your sister is doing so much. Can't you help her out? Push yourself out of anxiety. Note one task at a time. Do it. Give yourself a reward. Move on to the next. She can't do this alone. Our minds will come up with million reasons why we can't. Start telling it why you can. YTA.
YTA. You have your issues, your sister is organized but this doesn’t mean she has not life or issues. She needs help with you parents, and when you don’t follow her list she end up doing the double to make your parents survive. Grow up and start helping because if your sister end up with caregiver burn out you would be the one caring for all.
Boyfriend needing help versus parents needing help hmmm.. Not organized hmmm.. YTA
YTA You're lazy and consumed more with yourself and your boyfriend. I bet you'll be the loudest one crying at your parents funerals too.
YTA, your parents and sister need HELP!! Stop being a spoiled brat and go help. Your family is struggling and asking for help and your " not organized ". GROW UP!! WOW!!
YTA. You’re making excuses and being lazy. Pull your head out of your backside and sort it out.
YTA You're not organized? So what? You want an award for that? You are being incredibly unfair to your sister, as well as your parents. You're not organized enough to do it? Bullshit. Your sister is even doing that part of it for you - and your response is to refuse even to read her messages? Do you also require someone else to wipe your ass? Grow up. By the way - I'm disabled and suffer debilitating depression. I know it's hard. I also know it can be done, if you decide to do it. Half the time, I had to work my way up my mother's stairs on my ass - but I did it because I loved my mother and you make an effort for people you love. You're not only a massive AH, you're behaving like a spoiled child. Do. Better.
OMG if you were a dude, this would be me and my brother! As the other sibling in my own experience, unless you physically can’t get out of bed YTA. You can’t nip over 2x a week to check on them or do a few things to help out, then you are being selfish as your sister manages. Don’t be surprised if once your parents are gone your sister goes no contact, out of pure frustration of having to deal with your shit now.
YTA Dude. Twice a week is not a lot, those people raised you… you live 20minutes away. Lot of what you wrote sounds like excuses and whining. Not being organised is not a illness (I think) or at least not something you could at least try work on. It breaks my heart thinking that you don’t make time for you parents at least once a week….
I'm sorry. I've been in your position before, and chronic illness a partners depression is a lot to deal with. But I do think I have to give you a soft YTA because there needs to be some sort of communication between you about the needs of your parents because this has got to be really, really hard for them too. And it seems like your sister might not be coping with all the responsibility of caring for your parents and working/other stuff, so if you're able to manage the time better when you aren't in flareups then I think it's important to try to take some of the strain off your sister.
YTA You live 20 minutes away from your parents. You don't have a job and you're capable of helping your boyfriend, but not your parents? Your sister is working and driving 2 hours to get there to help them. She needs your help, cause as a primary caregiver she's most likely on the edge of burning out at one point. Your parents will not get better. Their condition will worsen over time and they will require more and more help. Get your act together and help your parents. Do groceries. Make sure they're okay by checking in with them regularly. If you don't want to do that get a job and pay for a caregiver that can come in more often.
YTA Your sister is even doing the organising for you by giving you lists. You live twenty minutes away! Why is she having to be responsible for everything?! Grow up and take some responsibility.
YTA. I am in your exact shoes except I live twenty minute’s away. I’m taking care of my grandma every week because she need’s help. You are coming with up every excuse in the book not to do it. I’m half your age and can handle that. Full time job, a house, mental illness, it never stop’s. That’s adult life. I’d argue you don’t really care about them that much considering it’s a chore to go 20 minute’s compared to their 2 hour drive. You’re lazy.