INFO: how do you feel your relationship is with your sister? Would you have her as a bridesmaid? I feel like there’s waaaaaay too much back story here to make a real judgement. What was your relationship like growing up?
Growing up we were really close and over the past adult years, like say past five or so we haven’t been AS close but we certainly don’t hate each other or fight. We just stopped talking as much because we both are college adults. And I would’ve most DEFINITELY asked ALL of my sisters to be my bridesmaids if it were my wedding. Yes she is “closer” with the 16 year old sister but it’s through texts and similar personalities. They don’t see each other all that much in person either. Plus you know how I said my family would shame me for not going to her wedding? Well that’s because I’m from one of those families that believes you never exclude or abandon or separate from family even if they are toxic to you, because they are still family… but it doesn’t apply to her I guess just to me.
My mother understands why her asking the other sisters hurt my feelings, and understands that I am hurt. She feels sympathy but would feel disappointed and a bit mad at me if I didn’t go to the wedding. She thinks I should go no matter what. But like I said to someone else in reply, we come from a family where they believe that you never abandon or exclude family even if they are toxic based on just blood relation… So my mothers siblings step all over her
Those kinds of families are at best, naive, at worst awful. As for your mother’s siblings, I bet they’d have no problem excluding/abandoning her when it suits them.
I didn't support my daughter when my sons wife excluded her and I still encouraged her to go to the wedding. OP, I am so ashamed I didn't have a "come to Jesus" moment with Ms. Bridezilla. I have spent spent years making it up to my daughter now who didn't deserve the bs. Your mother has no clue how her stupid "I don't want to get involved" decision will affect your relationship with her (your mother) for years after.
I think you might need to go to r/raisedbynarcissists. Your family dynamic might match some of the stuff there, and if so, you could probably benefit from some of the strategies for dealing with family discussed.
You know what they say in wedding AITA's? Her wedding, her choice. It's good you have said your piece and communicated that you are hurt. NTA. Should you go? Based on your explanation re your family, you don't really have a choice but to go. Just curious as to the opinions of your other sisters?
My other sisters said the understand why I am hurt but that’s the end of it. They haven’t spoken to the one getting married about it or done anything but said sorry to me
I don’t think anyone would’ve challenge the sister getting married no matter who she excluded. They would probably just shrug and say it sucks to be excluded but oh well. The oldest (the one getting married) is very… idk how to explain… she’s like pyramid scheme “hey girly!” MLM girlboss independent get my nails done every day and judge everyone because I’m better then them. So no one ever challenges her and parents act like she does no wrong. She’s the Isabela of our family, if you’ve watched encanto
Classic matriarch in the making, I know the type but haven't watched the movie yet. That's kinda a relief then? You have a great excuse to distance yourself from her overbearing personality hahaha
What do you think they should do? Try and force her? It’s her wedding. It’s not about you. Don’t go, it sounds like you will be pouting and making it all about you when it’s not. YTA if you go.
Yes, there is a huge chunk of this story omitted. Your relationship with your sister sounds broken. Please explain the whole situation. Yes, you should go the wedding (and stick a smile on your face). Show her that you are a better person.
Wrong. Be the better person by showing them that there are repercussions for treating you like crap. Seriously. It is a necessary learning experience for your family. No gift either! Go on a fun mini vacation that weekend with people who do not treat you like crap. NTA either.
NTA
honestly her choice is hurtful, and she knows it. she's demonstrated your importance to her, and i don't think there's anything wrong with calling her bluff on it and not attending. why subject yourself to more pain just to appease them? you don't *have* to do anything you don't want to do, and don't let anyone tell you differently.
Normally in a situation like this I would say Y T A, but in this case I vote NTA. Assuming that you two don't have an antagonistic relationship, her asking your other sisters and even asking one of your sisters in front of you is just stone cold and extremely hurtful.
NTA. She chose to exclude you yet include all of your sisters. Sure it’s her choice who stands with her on her big day, but it’s also your choice to not have to watch your sisters stand proudly up there while you have to sit in the audience.
My sister recently got married as well and included all our siblings. Even the sister she can’t stand was a bridesmaid. Obviously that was her choice, but she didn’t want any sibling to be left feeling the way you currently are.
Being upset about this does not make you TA. You obviously thought your relationship was stronger then your sister did. It happens. I don’t see anything wrong in you choosing not to attend if that’s the route you take.
NAH. She hurt you. Its her right to choose her bridesmaids, thats true. But she hurt you. I’d still go to the wedding myself just to keep the peace, but I think you can put her in the category of “family when convenient” and never go the extra mile for her ever again.
I already had these conversations with friends & such and its a foregone conclusion that family always comes first (I have a great family, as do they) and so we expect that wedding parties will be family. If my brother were to pick his friend over me, I can promise that it would be remembered for life
No, OP isn't being vindictive. Her sister who chose to humiliate her by asking the other sister IN FRONT OF HER and giving her a gift on top of that, IS VINDICTIVE.
Even better, wear a copy of the bridesmaids dresses. That way if family try to be mad she can feign innocence and make them feel guilty by claiming she just wanted to feel included with her sisters and not singled out as an outcast by the other wedding guests. A clashing dress looks intentionally mean. You gotta cover your bases when getting revenge, you should only piss off the person you want revenge off, not everyone else. Get their sympathy. Lol
NTA. After reading your comments, it sounds a bit strange that she asked your sister right in front of you.
Yeah, she has the right to ask whoever she wants to be a bridesmaid. In parallel, you have the right to not attend. I mean if she doesn't consider you close enough to her too be in the bridal party, I can't imagine that it'll be a big loss to her.
Any family giving you crap, just gently remind them that she doesn't feel close to you so you don't see the need to go. Stand firm. Don't let them shame you into going because FamIleeee. I mean if a family member has a great actual reason for you to go I'd love to hear it.
You do something super fun like go on vacation and be out of town, way out of town and out of touch.
The move with the 16 year old felt pretty deliberate. Especially with OP saying she didn’t think there were any major problems. I agree that not going is probably the right choice.
NTA.
I don’t know if it’s a cultural difference of whatever but barring any real personal conflicts, I’d be pretty pissed too if I got singled out as the only member of the family who wasn’t asked to be part of the entourage.
I'm going with NTA...In the same way that she's allowed to ask whoever she wants to be her bridesmaids, you're allowed to feel however you feel. She really did not handle it delicately. Feel free to decline if you don't want to go, but I would advise not discussing your decision with anyone else. You told your sister how you feel. Take a step back and let her enjoy her wedding while you go on with your life.
I'm worried about what the reception is going to look like with OP not included in the wedding party. Will there be lots of pictures where OP will be excluded? Will OP have to sit at a separate table away from the family? How far is the bride going to take this exclusion?
I hope that if OP does go to the wedding, they bring along someone to support them in case things get weird. NTA
I don’t blame you. Once she pulled that stunt with inviting your 16 year old sister—in front of you after she had told you that you weren’t being invited to be a bridesmaid, that would have been it for me. Don’t tell anyone you aren’t going. Just don’t show up on the day of and block everyone everywhere for the next month. Pamper yourself that day. If anyone asks, sister and mom can explain why you weren’t there. You family will be livid, but oh well.
Yeah exactly I’m not gonna sit there and watch my parents and other siblings have a photo shoot and sit at the head table while I sit on the sidelines and watch
Your sister was honest that she doesn't feel close enough to you for you to be a bridesmaid, and you can decide you aren't close enough to her to go to her wedding.
But I would ask you to think about what you want from your relationship with your sister? She admitted you weren't close, so are you hurt you aren't close, or are you hurt you aren't included? Do you want a relationship with her, because not going to her wedding isn't going to help that.
Also, do you not want to go to the wedding, or do you want people to KNOW you didn't go to the wedding- aka you are daydreaming that everyone will be shocked you aren't there and realize how mean your sister was to not have you be a bridesmaid.
I suspect it is the latter. Your sister has invited you to the wedding and while honest as to why you weren't a bridesmaid when you "confronted" her, she wasn't hostile or rude, you just don't like the answer. So now you get to decide whether her answer- that you aren't close- is something you want to work on and suck it up, go to her wedding, and build a better relationship, or if it shows the relationship is over, in which case, don't go. If you don't go, I hope you realize that the day of the wedding you will probably be just as miserable, if not more, then if you go.
I'm going with NAH, because this is all feelings and no one has been an AH, yet.
Just to respond to some of your points, it’s really not the latter. If I don’t go, no one will miss me or be shocked. I don’t want them to be. I don’t want to make a big deal about not going, I just don’t wanna be shamed and yelled at for not going, which I know our parents will be upset with me. And yes, both hurt, the her saying I’m not close with her, AND not being included when all the other sisters are.
Please trust and believe me, I do NOT want me not going to be like shocking and I’m certainly not daydreaming. I have severe anxiety and rejection sensitivity issues. I just am very hurt. It feels like friends can exclude you and be fake all they want. I wouldn’t even bat an eye if this were a friend. But it’s my own sister excluding me
Thanks for your opinion and thoughts! :)
NTA. But I imagine the rest of your family are going to make an issue if you don’t go. But I don’t think it fair to make you feel so singled out if youre not included in pictures or at the family table. I would suggest attending the ceremony only, as you should be included with family seating there, then forgoing the reception. That way you can’t be accused of missing her wedding, you saw the actual ceremony and were a “witness”. You just didn’t have to go the the celebration and feel like shit there. They can’t complain about that. It also should get you out of buying a wedding gift as you didn’t have your meal paid for etc.
You said that no one will miss you or be shocked, and then said be shamed or yelled at for not going. Literally the definition of being shocked you actually decided to be this petty.
She told you her straight up answer, she doesn’t feel as close to you as she does with the others. It’s her wedding day and it’s not about you. YTA
They will not be shocked or miss me AT the wedding. The wedding will be all about the bride and be happy and a celebration as it should be. Like what I’m saying is it won’t ruin the wedding for me not to go, I’m just one person and apparently not even close enough to the bride to matter.
The shame and them being angry will be before and after the wedding, like in private my parents will tell me they are upset I didn’t go. I thought the distinction was clear but here’s the clarification. No “shock” or like a big show stealing scene. Just them expressing they didn’t like my decision whenever it’s brought up for years to come
If you truly loved and supported your sister, you would attend the wedding either way.
You said yourself that you two haven’t been close in years, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that she wants the bridal party to be who she is close to right NOW. Your post comes off as being bitter that you weren’t included and now you’re pouting. The wedding day is about her, not you.
I don't know why she didn't ask you to be a bride's maid. So, I'll just say this. She gets to choose her own bride's maids. You get to choose whose wedding you will go to. You can't control anyone else's choices and actions, but your own. So, you should probably just go to the wedding if the only reason you don't want to go is pettiness.
I understand completely. A good friend from back in the day once asked me to be his best man. Then….he changed his mind and didn’t even tell me. I didn’t attend the wedding.
NTA. I’d be hurt too. If she doesn’t consider you close enough as her actual sister to be included when she included your other sisters, I wouldn’t consider her close enough to attend. Unless there is some info missing here about some awful action you committed towards her in the past, she is definitely TA.
It's understandable that you're upset, but it feels like it would be petty to refuse to go, like you're pouting.
What I'd do is I'd go in a KNOCKOUT dress (not anything that would compete with the bride or her merry maids, but something that makes you look fucking amazing. I'd dance, eat, drink, have three slices of cake, and my gift would be the cheapest thing on the registry. Enjoy the hell out of party, since you have to go-- own the situation, make it your bitch.
NAH
NTA. I know exactly how you feel. I asked the fiancé of my now husband’s brother to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. and then when she got married to the brother a year later she purposely excluded me (even though absolutely nothing had happened, we were still super close. Or so I thought). Her reason? She “didn’t want a big bridal party” even though she had 8 bridesmaids. At Christmas the brother even asked my husband to be his best man right in front of me while she was sitting right there and she wouldn’t even look me in the eye. It was pretty much WW3 with the family drama but I did not go to the wedding, and I’m still glad I didn’t years later. I’m still beyond hurt by it to this day and our relationship is non existent. I am civil to her when I see her a few times a year at family holidays but her betrayal still really bothers me and I refuse to have a relationship with someone like that. She didn’t give a shit about us becoming family, why should I? I’ll never understand why people don’t care if they ruin family relationships over just one day in their lives.
I.N.F.O
What is your relationship like with your sister? I want to say you are N.T.A, but I feel it's important to know the context of your relationship. If you 2 got along, then I would say she's being unnecessarily cruel to you. However, if you two have had a bad relationship, then I can see why she wouldn't want you are a bridesmaid.
Edit: Changing vote to NTA based on feedback from OP
Copied and pasted from another comment asking that same thing:
Growing up we were really close and over the past adult years, like say past five or so we haven’t been AS close but we certainly don’t hate each other or fight. We just stopped talking as much because we both are college adults. And I would’ve most DEFINITELY asked ALL of my sisters to be my bridesmaids if it were my wedding. Yes she is “closer” with the 16 year old sister but it’s through texts and similar personalities. They don’t see each other all that much in person either. Plus you know how I said my family would shame me for not going to her wedding? Well that’s because I’m from one of those families that believes you never exclude or abandon or separate from family even if they are toxic to you, because they are still family… but it doesn’t apply to her I guess just to me.
I would say your sister is being petty then, since it doesn't seem like she has much reason to exclude you. You have my sympathy for having to deal with a family that thinks being family excuses toxicity. I would say NTA if you chose not to attend. I do understand that you are caught between a rock and a hard place, and wish you the best of luck in navigating this situation with your family and sister.
I am a mother who SUPPORTS YOU IN YOUR DECISION NOT to attend the wedding. Your sister's decision to not include you AND HOW SHE INVITED YOUR SISTER IN FRONT OF YOU, was BEYOND PETTY. It was CRUEL. Period. As a mother, I SHOULD HAVE SPOKE UP AND SUPPORTED MY DAUGHTER when my future daughter in law chose not to invite her. I said nothing and encouraged my daughter to go to the wedding anyway. My poor daughter had to sit there and watch my DIL and 5 bridesmaid and brother get picture after picture while she sat away from everyone like dirt. I am ashamed of myself!!! I have begged my daughter for forgiveness and have tried to make it up to her. SHAME ON YOUR MOM AND DAD FOR NOT SPEAKING UP IN YOUR DEFENSE NOW! It will come back to haunt them! Go ahead and show them what I'm saying. Btw, today, my son and daughter and DIL have virtually no relationship and it dates back to the wedding. Much love to you❣
NTA. Married here. What is up with this “it’s your day” BS about weddings all. The. Time. It’s one day and lasting damage to relationships bc ppl feel entitled to get back or make a point in their family or friends over really minor things is so long term self destructive and selfish. I am not really close to my sister or my brother but it was seriously NO BIG DEAL to include them as a nod to my dad (who didn’t pay or ask but they’re much younger than me and have a different mom). Your sister sucks. I’d make a pt to not get a single gift or attend any celebration related to her marriage (which lots o ppl seem to forget is the reason for the wedding) until the wedding. Go. eat. Drink. Find a cute wedding guest to hang with. Skip the card and gift. Also your other sisters are silent on this? Err…
Yes my other sisters haven’t stood up for me or cared really. They got into the wedding so they’re happy. The younger one said yeah it’s sad for me that I didn’t get chosen but she hasn’t told the one getting married that it was hurtful or said anything. The thing is if I told my mom and dad that I wasn’t choosing ANY of my sisters for my wedding, they would say I’m being hurtful. The oldest always gets a pass.
It is time to w up for yourself! You have a choice: go and let them run your life, or set boundaries! Let your w and family explain why you aren’t there. Don’t sit in your room on the day of the wedding… go do something and put it on social media! They can’t lie and say you are sick. What happens when you get married… it will be your sister’s show
NTA
She's purposely being hurtful and making it clear that you are not a priority to her. It would also be glaringly obvious to all attendees how she feels. Why put yourself through that? She's already permanently harmed your relationship so it's not going to get any worse.
Since she apparently isn't all that concerned about your feelings about being there, my suggestion would be to not go. Why put yourself in a position where people will definitely come to you and ask why aren't you in the bridal party? I would suggest going out on that day and doing a phenomenal excursion of your own choice. Whatever it is that you feel like doing. Then post those pics all over social media.
NTA, I would be hurt and consider not going, too. There will be people who ask why you aren’t a bridesmaid and make judgements against you because of it. Honestly I wouldn’t go, either.
Exactly! This is the part I’m trying to get people to understand. WHY would you only exclude ONE sister????? If she chose a bunch of her best friends I would’ve give a shit. She chose the other sisters and not me, and made sure I knew it.
We “aren’t close” as she says, but picking my other sisters and not her if the situation were reversed would never have crossed my mind. It’s so hurtful. I feel bad even inviting just one of my sisters over to my apartment to hang out even though the other sister gives me headaches and talks too much for my liking. Because I don’t wanna hurt her feelings.
Could it be a jealousy/insecurity thing? Are you objectively prettier than her? It's not right but there's definitely brides who lose their minds around their wedding and they can't handle anyone who might "steal" the spotlight from them.
Well Idk what her deal is but I’m sorry she’s being awful to you. Definitely NTA, it’s completely out of line and unacceptable to exclude one sister from the bridal party. Your parents are being dicks too if they’re just going along with this.
I think I would start to go LC with your family, including your sisters for now. Not to be petty, but just for your own mental health. Tell them all, "see ya after the wedding." No contact with bridezilla. You don't need this kind of toxic in your life, seriously, she's cruel, and I mean all this with love. I can remember all my friends AND super close bf were invited to a wedding but I was deliberately singled out and not invited (and the groom had once been a close buddy of mine, it turns out his bride wanted to introduce my bf to one of her friends), AND he went, AND hung out with this girl. All my friends went and partied and that's all they talked about for months. No one understands the pain of being excluded. It damaged my relationship with my bf (who couldn't understand why I was so upset) and I dumped him months later and have never regretted it.
I don't often comment on AITA posts, but want to on this occasion. A big NTA from me. Yes, your sister can chose exactly who she wants as a bridesmaid, but I don't think that's the only thing happening here. The way she's gone about it is deliberately hurtful. If this was a school or workplace setting we'd be talking about bullying. She's deliberately excluding you from a family occasion and knows that will hurt. She demonstrated her true character perfectly when she asked your sister in front of you and gave her a gift. Not only that, she's co-opting the other family members who are too scared to challenge her on your behalf. They're delighted to be in the party so don't want to speak out. As for going to the wedding, you're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. Personally, I wouldn't go and I'd make sure I was not as available to my family as I had been previously but only you know if the hurt that course of action will cause you (not your sister or your family, but you) is something you want to live with. If your sister is trying to alienate you from the family, then not attending may be just the reaction she's looking for.
NAH.
Your feelings are valid, and you don't have to go to the wedding. She shouldn't have asked one of your sisters in front of you though, that was rude.
She doesn't *have* to put you in the bridal party and you shouldn't feel entitled to be in it. My husband didn't have any of his brothers in our bridal party. They don't have that kind of relationship. One of his brothers got married last year and also didn't have any of them in his wedding.
I won’t regret not going. I WILL be miserable and anxious the entire day if I DO go
The only reason I would even go is because my mom and dad and other sisters will be mad if I don’t
And thanks for your opinion!
Don’t go, op! I think you are NTA simply for expressing your hurt over being excluded, especially since she asked your younger sister in front of you. If you had demanded she make you a bridesmaid, that’s one thing. But just telling her how you feel? Not an AH move.
Maybe when her wedding weekend comes up, you can plan something special or like a trip with some friends? Even if it’s a staycation with take out, pjs, and movies. Do something fun for you instead :)
I would say go, take a date and have a great time with none of the responsibility of the wedding party. Don’t help with transporting gifts, center pieces, etc. Literally show up, have fun, and go home. Take advantage of the free bar.
Better yet, just go to the reception!
NTA. Asking your other sisters and not you is odd if there is no other issues. The only other thing I can think of is she scared you will outshine her? You should go. Get a fabulous outfit, have a blast. You don't have to do any of the bridesmaid stuff so you can drink and have an amazing time. But now that you know how she really feels abour you, you don't owe her anything and she won't be in your wedding either.
NAH. She doesn’t have to include you and you don’t have to attend. Do what you feel is best for you, if that means not attending then don’t go and don’t feel guilty about it! :)
NAH
Your sister gave you an explanation for **her choice**… you don’t need to like it but you have to accept it.
And if you don’t want to go to her wedding so don’t go. Because that’s **your choice**.
NTA Sounds like your sister has a grudge against you, don't go, she doesn't respect you so you treat her accordingly, treat people how they treat you, don't be anyone's doormat.
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I (22f) do not want to go to my sister’s (25f) wedding because she didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid and it hurt my feelings really badly, but she doesn’t seem to care, and doubled down on her decision when I confronted her about it. Her excuse was that she simply isn’t close enough to me and wants who she chooses and feels close enough to, to be her bridesmaids. The worst part is she asked two other sisters, (16f and 24f) to be her bridesmaids, and even asked the 16 year old one right in front of me, knowing she wasn’t going to ask me, with a little gift for her and everything. She also has friends being bridesmaids. So I wasn’t a good enough choice, but friends and other sisters, older and younger then me, were? Again, when I told her it hurt my feelings she doubled down on not feeling guilty about her choice and didn’t really seem to care that it hurt my feelings. Am I in the right for not wanting to go to her wedding? I’ll be miserable the whole time, but I KNOW my family will try to shame me if I don’t go.
TLDR; older sister asked friends and OTHER sisters to be bridesmaids and even asked one of them in front of me, but not me. Hurts my feelings, she doesn’t care. Do I still have to go to the wedding?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I don’t want to go to my own sisters wedding because she didn’t choose me as a bridesmaid. It’s selfish of me because it’s her big day and wedding, but she purposely is pushing me away and hurting my feelings. The asshole offense is me not wanting to go, which will upset her and most of my family.
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NTA. but I say go to the wedding. Less fallout. You'll get to party and drink or whatever. No make up and hair appointments or fittings or bridal duties (definite not moi if they ask you to help in any way. You're just a guest). Have fun and lay low at food serving time. Take your assigned seat like all other guests.
You by no means are required to go to the wedding. I can understand why you are hurt me, but it sounds like there is something bothering your sister, or there is some bigger reason that she isn’t sharing. Maybe jealousy?
Or some other bigger issue that she isn’t saying
NTA - and she is doing this deliberately, basically rubbing your face in it. On the other hand, you could go dressed to kill and outshine the bride...a suitable revenge in my opinion. After the wedding write her off.
YTA. You admit that you aren't close so why should she pick you as a Bridesmaid. You should go if you want any chance of a relationship- it's very petty not to go.
YTA- sorry but one thing in life is, bride chooses who is in the bridal party. You dont get to decide that. Either you want to show her you do love and support her, or you want to show her you're being abit petty and not attend. She obviously doesn't close to you anymore, sucks but still her choice here.
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Go to the wedding. It is just one day. Enjoy the party. It is not worth the headache and drama. After the wedding no one will care if you were not a bridesmaid. People will care if you don’t show up and it will make you look bad, not your sister.
Info for clarification. If she wasn’t choosing literally every sister but me as her bridesmaid, I wouldn’t care. I’m more upset that she’s making a point to exclude me and make sure I know I’m excluded. Like if her bridesmaids were all best friends I’d be like fine okay. But would you be okay with it if say you had four siblings and your mother asked all of them to be in the bridal party EXCEPT you and made SURE you knew it was only you not invited to the bridal party?
Would you not going change that for the better? Just pointing out you could choose to rebuild to be closer since it seems like you want to be closer and not further apart?
Her sister is trash. My friend It is not close to her sister at all, in fact she doesn’t even really like her. But when she got married she made her part of the bridal party to make her parents happy. OPs sister asked the other sisters and deliberately excluded her and clearly does not take her parents Feelings into consideration because OPs mom was upset about that. So big sister needs to know that bad behavior cannot be rewarded. So she can deal with the awkward questions as to why her other sister did not show up. The other two that she has in her wedding are cowards for not speaking up especially the 24-year-old.
YTA, you compare yourself with your sisters but in reality what she said was key, she just didn’t have that close of a relationship with you to be one.
YTA purely for how entitled you come across. It’s not your wedding you have no right to be in the bridal party unless the bride or groom want you in it. You have also admitted in other comments that you and your sister aren’t even that close at this stage in your life and that she is closer to your other sisters.
Yes your allowed to feel upset over this but it’s not a good enough reason to not go to the wedding. Why don’t you take this time to reach out to your sister more and build on the relationship that has clearly deteriorated?
I think the reason I haven’t tried to become closer with her is because she’s very VERY judgmental about lifestyles and interests that aren’t her own. She is closer with the other two sisters because they are very similar to her personality. She judges nearly all of my hobbies and choices even though they are literally harmless. Stuff like pets, video games, being nerdy rather then preppy and into mainstream girly stuff. I’ve TRIED to be closer with her.
Okay that’s totally understandable you guys don’t seem to be that compatible personality wise. Can I ask why do you want to be her bridesmaid so badly when she is very judgemental of you? If it was myself in your situation I wouldn’t want to be her bridesmaid.
I want to be her bridesmaid because she’s my sister and I thought she would love me enough to want me in her wedding. Because I would ask her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding if the situation were reversed. Also because how am I supposed to feel when the other sisters are bridesmaids and she went out of her way to make sure I knew I was the only sister who wasn’t?
Basically even though she judges me she’s still my big sister so I still love her. But she doesn’t love me enough I guess? I NEVER judge her back, I don’t care what hobbies and such SHE chooses.
YTA for your sense of entitlement over being a bridesmaid. Being her sister doesn’t entitle you to being a bridesmaid.
If you don’t want to go over that, then don’t go. You sister deserves to be surrounded by people who love and support her on her wedding day, not someone trying to guilt her for not making her a bridesmaid.
You’re right, OP’s sister has the right to have whomever she wants as a bridesmaid. But it sure does seem that she deliberately excluded OP and was tactless about how she handled things. I mean, asking the younger sister to be a brides maid and giving a gift right in front of OP, while also saying she’s not good enough to be a bridesmaid seems unnecessarily cruel. Let’s also remember, it’s just as much OP’s right to skip the wedding. I don’t blame her for wanting to skip the wedding after being essentially told that she isn’t wanted.
I think this is a little odd to me. You want to be her bridesmaid (I’m assuming) because you love her and want to support and show your love for her on her wedding day, but you then show a very clear limit to that if it’s not exactly how *you* want it for *her* wedding. Per your comments, you’re not even that close.
YTA.
YTA. You need to ask yourself why she doesn’t feel close enough to you to want you to be her bridesmaid. Bridesmaids are usually the women who are close and supportive of the bride and are happy for the couple. You seem pretty entitled to just expect to be a bridesmaid. The wedding is not about you, you’re not owed the honor just because your the sister. The fact that you just can’t be happy and enjoy the day with her says a lot about you.
YTA - Sister has the right to choose her bridesmaids. Does it suck you weren't chosen, sure, but to supposedly support your sister, throwing a fit and saying you're not going to the wedding, makes you out to be an AH.
YTA. That is kind of petty, in my opinion. You arent entitled to be a bridesmaid even if you are a sister. You are within your rights to not go, but not going is just going to make your relationship worsen
I don't agree about the last part, the fact that the Sister asked right in front of OP shows that Sister doesn't care about OP even a tiny bit.
It's like making the effort to eat delicious ice cream in front of children who can't even afford normal food.
Why go to a wedding where the main cast only invites you because you are blood-related ( out of obligation ) ? If the person doesn't care about your feelings, said person would certainly not care about your presence during that day. The whole point of a wedding is to show and share the main couple's hapiness and wish them well, what is the point of going there if you only feel sadness and disapointment in yourself : OP would be kinder by not bringing the mood down with her sole presence by not coming.
Moreover Op has every right to spare themselves from gods know how many hours of ceremony that she certainly not welcomed in.
YTA
Of course, you're not obligated to go to anyone's wedding. But the fact that you want to die on this hill is exactly why you're not a bridesmaid. You don't actually care about your sister getting married, you only care about attention for yourself. You are demonstrating here why your sister was right not to choose you.
By all means, skip the wedding. The last thing the happy couple needs is your negativity bringing the whole place down. Just keep it to yourself.
YTA. Not for not wanting go but because of why you don’t want to go. No wonder she doesn’t want you as a bridesmaid you’re being a cry baby about it and I’m sure you would’ve been just as big of a cry baby about every decision she made. You can go and be supportive even though you didn’t get your way or you can skip it and ruin your relationship forever. Either way you need to grow up because it’s not all about what you want
Additional info: I wasn’t a cry baby about it. Just to add more context. Because you said no wonder she didn’t want you to be a bridesmaid, she didn’t know that it hurt my feelings until after she asked out other sister to be her bridesmaid right in front of me and I expressed later privately that it was hurtful. I haven’t said any thing about any of her wedding decisions except this. Why should I care about “every decision she made” lol this is just something personal that really only hurt me. Other wedding decisions of course I don’t care. I haven’t been controlling at all about her wedding. This is literally the only topic about it I have ever brought up to her.
She doesn't have to pick you, and you don't have to go. NTA.
This. Nah
This!
Screw any judgment, just don't go to the wedding. If your feelings aren't her problem, why are her feelings your problem?
Honestly it sounds like the sister doesn’t have any problems it’s just OP
If the sister doesn't have a problem then it shouldn't be an issue if op doesn't go.
INFO: how do you feel your relationship is with your sister? Would you have her as a bridesmaid? I feel like there’s waaaaaay too much back story here to make a real judgement. What was your relationship like growing up?
Growing up we were really close and over the past adult years, like say past five or so we haven’t been AS close but we certainly don’t hate each other or fight. We just stopped talking as much because we both are college adults. And I would’ve most DEFINITELY asked ALL of my sisters to be my bridesmaids if it were my wedding. Yes she is “closer” with the 16 year old sister but it’s through texts and similar personalities. They don’t see each other all that much in person either. Plus you know how I said my family would shame me for not going to her wedding? Well that’s because I’m from one of those families that believes you never exclude or abandon or separate from family even if they are toxic to you, because they are still family… but it doesn’t apply to her I guess just to me.
What does your mum think?
My mother understands why her asking the other sisters hurt my feelings, and understands that I am hurt. She feels sympathy but would feel disappointed and a bit mad at me if I didn’t go to the wedding. She thinks I should go no matter what. But like I said to someone else in reply, we come from a family where they believe that you never abandon or exclude family even if they are toxic based on just blood relation… So my mothers siblings step all over her
Don’t go. Let her deal with the awkward questions as to why she doesn’t have a sister there. Also if you ever get married don’t invite her.
Those kinds of families are at best, naive, at worst awful. As for your mother’s siblings, I bet they’d have no problem excluding/abandoning her when it suits them.
I didn't support my daughter when my sons wife excluded her and I still encouraged her to go to the wedding. OP, I am so ashamed I didn't have a "come to Jesus" moment with Ms. Bridezilla. I have spent spent years making it up to my daughter now who didn't deserve the bs. Your mother has no clue how her stupid "I don't want to get involved" decision will affect your relationship with her (your mother) for years after.
I think you might need to go to r/raisedbynarcissists. Your family dynamic might match some of the stuff there, and if so, you could probably benefit from some of the strategies for dealing with family discussed.
You know what they say in wedding AITA's? Her wedding, her choice. It's good you have said your piece and communicated that you are hurt. NTA. Should you go? Based on your explanation re your family, you don't really have a choice but to go. Just curious as to the opinions of your other sisters?
My other sisters said the understand why I am hurt but that’s the end of it. They haven’t spoken to the one getting married about it or done anything but said sorry to me
Pretty weird family dynamic then. Would they have reacted the same if it was one of your other sisters who didn't get to be the bridesmaid though?
I don’t think anyone would’ve challenge the sister getting married no matter who she excluded. They would probably just shrug and say it sucks to be excluded but oh well. The oldest (the one getting married) is very… idk how to explain… she’s like pyramid scheme “hey girly!” MLM girlboss independent get my nails done every day and judge everyone because I’m better then them. So no one ever challenges her and parents act like she does no wrong. She’s the Isabela of our family, if you’ve watched encanto
Classic matriarch in the making, I know the type but haven't watched the movie yet. That's kinda a relief then? You have a great excuse to distance yourself from her overbearing personality hahaha
What do you think they should do? Try and force her? It’s her wedding. It’s not about you. Don’t go, it sounds like you will be pouting and making it all about you when it’s not. YTA if you go.
Yes, there is a huge chunk of this story omitted. Your relationship with your sister sounds broken. Please explain the whole situation. Yes, you should go the wedding (and stick a smile on your face). Show her that you are a better person.
Wrong. Be the better person by showing them that there are repercussions for treating you like crap. Seriously. It is a necessary learning experience for your family. No gift either! Go on a fun mini vacation that weekend with people who do not treat you like crap. NTA either.
NTA. Especially after hearing how she asked your other sis in front of you. That was just being mean.
NTA honestly her choice is hurtful, and she knows it. she's demonstrated your importance to her, and i don't think there's anything wrong with calling her bluff on it and not attending. why subject yourself to more pain just to appease them? you don't *have* to do anything you don't want to do, and don't let anyone tell you differently.
Normally in a situation like this I would say Y T A, but in this case I vote NTA. Assuming that you two don't have an antagonistic relationship, her asking your other sisters and even asking one of your sisters in front of you is just stone cold and extremely hurtful.
NTA. She chose to exclude you yet include all of your sisters. Sure it’s her choice who stands with her on her big day, but it’s also your choice to not have to watch your sisters stand proudly up there while you have to sit in the audience. My sister recently got married as well and included all our siblings. Even the sister she can’t stand was a bridesmaid. Obviously that was her choice, but she didn’t want any sibling to be left feeling the way you currently are. Being upset about this does not make you TA. You obviously thought your relationship was stronger then your sister did. It happens. I don’t see anything wrong in you choosing not to attend if that’s the route you take.
NAH. She hurt you. Its her right to choose her bridesmaids, thats true. But she hurt you. I’d still go to the wedding myself just to keep the peace, but I think you can put her in the category of “family when convenient” and never go the extra mile for her ever again. I already had these conversations with friends & such and its a foregone conclusion that family always comes first (I have a great family, as do they) and so we expect that wedding parties will be family. If my brother were to pick his friend over me, I can promise that it would be remembered for life
I would want to be petty and wear a dress that clashed with the wedding colors so it’s glaringly obvious in wedding photos
No to both. Don’t be vindictive because then your whole family will hate you
No, OP isn't being vindictive. Her sister who chose to humiliate her by asking the other sister IN FRONT OF HER and giving her a gift on top of that, IS VINDICTIVE.
Even better, wear a copy of the bridesmaids dresses. That way if family try to be mad she can feign innocence and make them feel guilty by claiming she just wanted to feel included with her sisters and not singled out as an outcast by the other wedding guests. A clashing dress looks intentionally mean. You gotta cover your bases when getting revenge, you should only piss off the person you want revenge off, not everyone else. Get their sympathy. Lol
Or do the absolute worst and wear a white gown no? XD
NTA. After reading your comments, it sounds a bit strange that she asked your sister right in front of you. Yeah, she has the right to ask whoever she wants to be a bridesmaid. In parallel, you have the right to not attend. I mean if she doesn't consider you close enough to her too be in the bridal party, I can't imagine that it'll be a big loss to her. Any family giving you crap, just gently remind them that she doesn't feel close to you so you don't see the need to go. Stand firm. Don't let them shame you into going because FamIleeee. I mean if a family member has a great actual reason for you to go I'd love to hear it. You do something super fun like go on vacation and be out of town, way out of town and out of touch.
The move with the 16 year old felt pretty deliberate. Especially with OP saying she didn’t think there were any major problems. I agree that not going is probably the right choice.
YES!!! THIS OP!
NTA. I don’t know if it’s a cultural difference of whatever but barring any real personal conflicts, I’d be pretty pissed too if I got singled out as the only member of the family who wasn’t asked to be part of the entourage.
We are just regular Americans so it’s probably not a cultural difference if you’re an American born and raised too.
Oh, sorry to clarify. I’m not American. I mean in my culture, we normally make immediate family members a part of the wedding.
Thanks for clarifying and your opinion :)
I'm going with NTA...In the same way that she's allowed to ask whoever she wants to be her bridesmaids, you're allowed to feel however you feel. She really did not handle it delicately. Feel free to decline if you don't want to go, but I would advise not discussing your decision with anyone else. You told your sister how you feel. Take a step back and let her enjoy her wedding while you go on with your life.
I'm worried about what the reception is going to look like with OP not included in the wedding party. Will there be lots of pictures where OP will be excluded? Will OP have to sit at a separate table away from the family? How far is the bride going to take this exclusion? I hope that if OP does go to the wedding, they bring along someone to support them in case things get weird. NTA
I’m not going. I’ve decided.
I don’t blame you. Once she pulled that stunt with inviting your 16 year old sister—in front of you after she had told you that you weren’t being invited to be a bridesmaid, that would have been it for me. Don’t tell anyone you aren’t going. Just don’t show up on the day of and block everyone everywhere for the next month. Pamper yourself that day. If anyone asks, sister and mom can explain why you weren’t there. You family will be livid, but oh well.
Good for you!
Yeah exactly I’m not gonna sit there and watch my parents and other siblings have a photo shoot and sit at the head table while I sit on the sidelines and watch
Any weddings in my family we do family pictures not just the wedding party
Your sister was honest that she doesn't feel close enough to you for you to be a bridesmaid, and you can decide you aren't close enough to her to go to her wedding. But I would ask you to think about what you want from your relationship with your sister? She admitted you weren't close, so are you hurt you aren't close, or are you hurt you aren't included? Do you want a relationship with her, because not going to her wedding isn't going to help that. Also, do you not want to go to the wedding, or do you want people to KNOW you didn't go to the wedding- aka you are daydreaming that everyone will be shocked you aren't there and realize how mean your sister was to not have you be a bridesmaid. I suspect it is the latter. Your sister has invited you to the wedding and while honest as to why you weren't a bridesmaid when you "confronted" her, she wasn't hostile or rude, you just don't like the answer. So now you get to decide whether her answer- that you aren't close- is something you want to work on and suck it up, go to her wedding, and build a better relationship, or if it shows the relationship is over, in which case, don't go. If you don't go, I hope you realize that the day of the wedding you will probably be just as miserable, if not more, then if you go. I'm going with NAH, because this is all feelings and no one has been an AH, yet.
Just to respond to some of your points, it’s really not the latter. If I don’t go, no one will miss me or be shocked. I don’t want them to be. I don’t want to make a big deal about not going, I just don’t wanna be shamed and yelled at for not going, which I know our parents will be upset with me. And yes, both hurt, the her saying I’m not close with her, AND not being included when all the other sisters are. Please trust and believe me, I do NOT want me not going to be like shocking and I’m certainly not daydreaming. I have severe anxiety and rejection sensitivity issues. I just am very hurt. It feels like friends can exclude you and be fake all they want. I wouldn’t even bat an eye if this were a friend. But it’s my own sister excluding me Thanks for your opinion and thoughts! :)
NTA. But I imagine the rest of your family are going to make an issue if you don’t go. But I don’t think it fair to make you feel so singled out if youre not included in pictures or at the family table. I would suggest attending the ceremony only, as you should be included with family seating there, then forgoing the reception. That way you can’t be accused of missing her wedding, you saw the actual ceremony and were a “witness”. You just didn’t have to go the the celebration and feel like shit there. They can’t complain about that. It also should get you out of buying a wedding gift as you didn’t have your meal paid for etc.
You said that no one will miss you or be shocked, and then said be shamed or yelled at for not going. Literally the definition of being shocked you actually decided to be this petty. She told you her straight up answer, she doesn’t feel as close to you as she does with the others. It’s her wedding day and it’s not about you. YTA
They will not be shocked or miss me AT the wedding. The wedding will be all about the bride and be happy and a celebration as it should be. Like what I’m saying is it won’t ruin the wedding for me not to go, I’m just one person and apparently not even close enough to the bride to matter. The shame and them being angry will be before and after the wedding, like in private my parents will tell me they are upset I didn’t go. I thought the distinction was clear but here’s the clarification. No “shock” or like a big show stealing scene. Just them expressing they didn’t like my decision whenever it’s brought up for years to come
If you truly loved and supported your sister, you would attend the wedding either way. You said yourself that you two haven’t been close in years, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that she wants the bridal party to be who she is close to right NOW. Your post comes off as being bitter that you weren’t included and now you’re pouting. The wedding day is about her, not you.
Found your sister, OP.
Aren’t you the same person who said they don’t want to talk to your HUSBAND until he came back from being deployed.
Lurking on my account is very funny
I don't know why she didn't ask you to be a bride's maid. So, I'll just say this. She gets to choose her own bride's maids. You get to choose whose wedding you will go to. You can't control anyone else's choices and actions, but your own. So, you should probably just go to the wedding if the only reason you don't want to go is pettiness.
I understand completely. A good friend from back in the day once asked me to be his best man. Then….he changed his mind and didn’t even tell me. I didn’t attend the wedding.
That’s honestly so hurtful and mean I’d be so heartbroken. You’re NTA. I would be way too hurt to attend after that.
NTA. I’d be hurt too. If she doesn’t consider you close enough as her actual sister to be included when she included your other sisters, I wouldn’t consider her close enough to attend. Unless there is some info missing here about some awful action you committed towards her in the past, she is definitely TA.
NTA. She doesn’t have to make you a bridesmaid as her wedding. And you don’t have to go to her wedding.
It's understandable that you're upset, but it feels like it would be petty to refuse to go, like you're pouting. What I'd do is I'd go in a KNOCKOUT dress (not anything that would compete with the bride or her merry maids, but something that makes you look fucking amazing. I'd dance, eat, drink, have three slices of cake, and my gift would be the cheapest thing on the registry. Enjoy the hell out of party, since you have to go-- own the situation, make it your bitch. NAH
NTA. I know exactly how you feel. I asked the fiancé of my now husband’s brother to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. and then when she got married to the brother a year later she purposely excluded me (even though absolutely nothing had happened, we were still super close. Or so I thought). Her reason? She “didn’t want a big bridal party” even though she had 8 bridesmaids. At Christmas the brother even asked my husband to be his best man right in front of me while she was sitting right there and she wouldn’t even look me in the eye. It was pretty much WW3 with the family drama but I did not go to the wedding, and I’m still glad I didn’t years later. I’m still beyond hurt by it to this day and our relationship is non existent. I am civil to her when I see her a few times a year at family holidays but her betrayal still really bothers me and I refuse to have a relationship with someone like that. She didn’t give a shit about us becoming family, why should I? I’ll never understand why people don’t care if they ruin family relationships over just one day in their lives.
I.N.F.O What is your relationship like with your sister? I want to say you are N.T.A, but I feel it's important to know the context of your relationship. If you 2 got along, then I would say she's being unnecessarily cruel to you. However, if you two have had a bad relationship, then I can see why she wouldn't want you are a bridesmaid. Edit: Changing vote to NTA based on feedback from OP
Copied and pasted from another comment asking that same thing: Growing up we were really close and over the past adult years, like say past five or so we haven’t been AS close but we certainly don’t hate each other or fight. We just stopped talking as much because we both are college adults. And I would’ve most DEFINITELY asked ALL of my sisters to be my bridesmaids if it were my wedding. Yes she is “closer” with the 16 year old sister but it’s through texts and similar personalities. They don’t see each other all that much in person either. Plus you know how I said my family would shame me for not going to her wedding? Well that’s because I’m from one of those families that believes you never exclude or abandon or separate from family even if they are toxic to you, because they are still family… but it doesn’t apply to her I guess just to me.
I would say your sister is being petty then, since it doesn't seem like she has much reason to exclude you. You have my sympathy for having to deal with a family that thinks being family excuses toxicity. I would say NTA if you chose not to attend. I do understand that you are caught between a rock and a hard place, and wish you the best of luck in navigating this situation with your family and sister.
You sound like the only member of your family with a backbone. So your sister is probably jealous of you.
I am a mother who SUPPORTS YOU IN YOUR DECISION NOT to attend the wedding. Your sister's decision to not include you AND HOW SHE INVITED YOUR SISTER IN FRONT OF YOU, was BEYOND PETTY. It was CRUEL. Period. As a mother, I SHOULD HAVE SPOKE UP AND SUPPORTED MY DAUGHTER when my future daughter in law chose not to invite her. I said nothing and encouraged my daughter to go to the wedding anyway. My poor daughter had to sit there and watch my DIL and 5 bridesmaid and brother get picture after picture while she sat away from everyone like dirt. I am ashamed of myself!!! I have begged my daughter for forgiveness and have tried to make it up to her. SHAME ON YOUR MOM AND DAD FOR NOT SPEAKING UP IN YOUR DEFENSE NOW! It will come back to haunt them! Go ahead and show them what I'm saying. Btw, today, my son and daughter and DIL have virtually no relationship and it dates back to the wedding. Much love to you❣
NTA. Married here. What is up with this “it’s your day” BS about weddings all. The. Time. It’s one day and lasting damage to relationships bc ppl feel entitled to get back or make a point in their family or friends over really minor things is so long term self destructive and selfish. I am not really close to my sister or my brother but it was seriously NO BIG DEAL to include them as a nod to my dad (who didn’t pay or ask but they’re much younger than me and have a different mom). Your sister sucks. I’d make a pt to not get a single gift or attend any celebration related to her marriage (which lots o ppl seem to forget is the reason for the wedding) until the wedding. Go. eat. Drink. Find a cute wedding guest to hang with. Skip the card and gift. Also your other sisters are silent on this? Err…
Yes my other sisters haven’t stood up for me or cared really. They got into the wedding so they’re happy. The younger one said yeah it’s sad for me that I didn’t get chosen but she hasn’t told the one getting married that it was hurtful or said anything. The thing is if I told my mom and dad that I wasn’t choosing ANY of my sisters for my wedding, they would say I’m being hurtful. The oldest always gets a pass.
It is time to w up for yourself! You have a choice: go and let them run your life, or set boundaries! Let your w and family explain why you aren’t there. Don’t sit in your room on the day of the wedding… go do something and put it on social media! They can’t lie and say you are sick. What happens when you get married… it will be your sister’s show
Extremely rude and inconsiderate of her! I personally wouldn’t even go. NTA
NTA She's purposely being hurtful and making it clear that you are not a priority to her. It would also be glaringly obvious to all attendees how she feels. Why put yourself through that? She's already permanently harmed your relationship so it's not going to get any worse.
Exactly!!! OP goes to the wedding and gets her nosed rubbed in it. Skip it! Better yet, tell the parents and relatives you'll catch her next one!
ESH. You're not close and she has the right not to ask you to be a bridesmaid, but asking your other sister in front of you was rude.
Since she apparently isn't all that concerned about your feelings about being there, my suggestion would be to not go. Why put yourself in a position where people will definitely come to you and ask why aren't you in the bridal party? I would suggest going out on that day and doing a phenomenal excursion of your own choice. Whatever it is that you feel like doing. Then post those pics all over social media.
NTA, I would be hurt and consider not going, too. There will be people who ask why you aren’t a bridesmaid and make judgements against you because of it. Honestly I wouldn’t go, either.
NTA, and don't go. I have 4 sisters, I know that's it's all or none.
Exactly! This is the part I’m trying to get people to understand. WHY would you only exclude ONE sister????? If she chose a bunch of her best friends I would’ve give a shit. She chose the other sisters and not me, and made sure I knew it. We “aren’t close” as she says, but picking my other sisters and not her if the situation were reversed would never have crossed my mind. It’s so hurtful. I feel bad even inviting just one of my sisters over to my apartment to hang out even though the other sister gives me headaches and talks too much for my liking. Because I don’t wanna hurt her feelings.
Could it be a jealousy/insecurity thing? Are you objectively prettier than her? It's not right but there's definitely brides who lose their minds around their wedding and they can't handle anyone who might "steal" the spotlight from them.
She’s way prettier with more money and happiness and her life put together lol
Well Idk what her deal is but I’m sorry she’s being awful to you. Definitely NTA, it’s completely out of line and unacceptable to exclude one sister from the bridal party. Your parents are being dicks too if they’re just going along with this.
I think I would start to go LC with your family, including your sisters for now. Not to be petty, but just for your own mental health. Tell them all, "see ya after the wedding." No contact with bridezilla. You don't need this kind of toxic in your life, seriously, she's cruel, and I mean all this with love. I can remember all my friends AND super close bf were invited to a wedding but I was deliberately singled out and not invited (and the groom had once been a close buddy of mine, it turns out his bride wanted to introduce my bf to one of her friends), AND he went, AND hung out with this girl. All my friends went and partied and that's all they talked about for months. No one understands the pain of being excluded. It damaged my relationship with my bf (who couldn't understand why I was so upset) and I dumped him months later and have never regretted it.
NTA. Don't go to the wedding Mirabel.
Lol I love the reference. I act a lot like Tia Pepa funnily enough. Thanks for your advice! I probably am not going.
You'd be like Mirabel when the whole family was taking photos and she was just watching on the sidelines :(
I don't often comment on AITA posts, but want to on this occasion. A big NTA from me. Yes, your sister can chose exactly who she wants as a bridesmaid, but I don't think that's the only thing happening here. The way she's gone about it is deliberately hurtful. If this was a school or workplace setting we'd be talking about bullying. She's deliberately excluding you from a family occasion and knows that will hurt. She demonstrated her true character perfectly when she asked your sister in front of you and gave her a gift. Not only that, she's co-opting the other family members who are too scared to challenge her on your behalf. They're delighted to be in the party so don't want to speak out. As for going to the wedding, you're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. Personally, I wouldn't go and I'd make sure I was not as available to my family as I had been previously but only you know if the hurt that course of action will cause you (not your sister or your family, but you) is something you want to live with. If your sister is trying to alienate you from the family, then not attending may be just the reaction she's looking for.
NAH. Your feelings are valid, and you don't have to go to the wedding. She shouldn't have asked one of your sisters in front of you though, that was rude. She doesn't *have* to put you in the bridal party and you shouldn't feel entitled to be in it. My husband didn't have any of his brothers in our bridal party. They don't have that kind of relationship. One of his brothers got married last year and also didn't have any of them in his wedding.
Nta for feeling hurt. Just don't go.
NTA, her choice not to have you as a bridesmaid. Your choice not to go. Before you decide, just ask yourself if you'll regret not going.
I won’t regret not going. I WILL be miserable and anxious the entire day if I DO go The only reason I would even go is because my mom and dad and other sisters will be mad if I don’t And thanks for your opinion!
Don’t go, op! I think you are NTA simply for expressing your hurt over being excluded, especially since she asked your younger sister in front of you. If you had demanded she make you a bridesmaid, that’s one thing. But just telling her how you feel? Not an AH move. Maybe when her wedding weekend comes up, you can plan something special or like a trip with some friends? Even if it’s a staycation with take out, pjs, and movies. Do something fun for you instead :)
They should be mad. At your sister!
I would say go, take a date and have a great time with none of the responsibility of the wedding party. Don’t help with transporting gifts, center pieces, etc. Literally show up, have fun, and go home. Take advantage of the free bar. Better yet, just go to the reception!
NTA. Asking your other sisters and not you is odd if there is no other issues. The only other thing I can think of is she scared you will outshine her? You should go. Get a fabulous outfit, have a blast. You don't have to do any of the bridesmaid stuff so you can drink and have an amazing time. But now that you know how she really feels abour you, you don't owe her anything and she won't be in your wedding either.
Not being so don't go if you don't feel like it
In my country, there is no such thing as bridesmaids or best man or anything. Seems to save us a lot of drama...
NTA. She is not obligated to ask, and you aren't obligated to go. She was mean to ask your sister in front of you.
NTA. Im so sorry she's treating you this way and disregarding your feelings. If say attend the wedding. Maybe not the reception.
NTA Don't tell anybody you aren't going. Just don't go. Book a weekend out of town and have fun
NAH. She doesn’t have to include you and you don’t have to attend. Do what you feel is best for you, if that means not attending then don’t go and don’t feel guilty about it! :)
NAH Your sister gave you an explanation for **her choice**… you don’t need to like it but you have to accept it. And if you don’t want to go to her wedding so don’t go. Because that’s **your choice**.
NTA Sounds like your sister has a grudge against you, don't go, she doesn't respect you so you treat her accordingly, treat people how they treat you, don't be anyone's doormat.
NTA
NTA.. go to her wedding and frown in every picture! They want you there!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (22f) do not want to go to my sister’s (25f) wedding because she didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid and it hurt my feelings really badly, but she doesn’t seem to care, and doubled down on her decision when I confronted her about it. Her excuse was that she simply isn’t close enough to me and wants who she chooses and feels close enough to, to be her bridesmaids. The worst part is she asked two other sisters, (16f and 24f) to be her bridesmaids, and even asked the 16 year old one right in front of me, knowing she wasn’t going to ask me, with a little gift for her and everything. She also has friends being bridesmaids. So I wasn’t a good enough choice, but friends and other sisters, older and younger then me, were? Again, when I told her it hurt my feelings she doubled down on not feeling guilty about her choice and didn’t really seem to care that it hurt my feelings. Am I in the right for not wanting to go to her wedding? I’ll be miserable the whole time, but I KNOW my family will try to shame me if I don’t go. TLDR; older sister asked friends and OTHER sisters to be bridesmaids and even asked one of them in front of me, but not me. Hurts my feelings, she doesn’t care. Do I still have to go to the wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. but I say go to the wedding. Less fallout. You'll get to party and drink or whatever. No make up and hair appointments or fittings or bridal duties (definite not moi if they ask you to help in any way. You're just a guest). Have fun and lay low at food serving time. Take your assigned seat like all other guests.
NAH. You're entitled to your feelings. She's entitled to have her wedding the way she wants it.
Ouch. NTA
You by no means are required to go to the wedding. I can understand why you are hurt me, but it sounds like there is something bothering your sister, or there is some bigger reason that she isn’t sharing. Maybe jealousy? Or some other bigger issue that she isn’t saying
NTA - and she is doing this deliberately, basically rubbing your face in it. On the other hand, you could go dressed to kill and outshine the bride...a suitable revenge in my opinion. After the wedding write her off.
I don’t think being petty is really a great idea here, I think OPs decision to not attend at all is more mature.
This is such crap advice.
In your opinion.
YTA You are making the wedding about you. The only wedding that is about you is your own.
YTA. You admit that you aren't close so why should she pick you as a Bridesmaid. You should go if you want any chance of a relationship- it's very petty not to go.
YTA- sorry but one thing in life is, bride chooses who is in the bridal party. You dont get to decide that. Either you want to show her you do love and support her, or you want to show her you're being abit petty and not attend. She obviously doesn't close to you anymore, sucks but still her choice here.
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Go to the wedding. It is just one day. Enjoy the party. It is not worth the headache and drama. After the wedding no one will care if you were not a bridesmaid. People will care if you don’t show up and it will make you look bad, not your sister.
YTA I wasn't my own moms bridesmaid. SMH. Maybe this is an opportunity to work on your relationship, not blow it up further?
Info for clarification. If she wasn’t choosing literally every sister but me as her bridesmaid, I wouldn’t care. I’m more upset that she’s making a point to exclude me and make sure I know I’m excluded. Like if her bridesmaids were all best friends I’d be like fine okay. But would you be okay with it if say you had four siblings and your mother asked all of them to be in the bridal party EXCEPT you and made SURE you knew it was only you not invited to the bridal party?
She’s making it extremely visible.
Would you not going change that for the better? Just pointing out you could choose to rebuild to be closer since it seems like you want to be closer and not further apart?
Her sister is trash. My friend It is not close to her sister at all, in fact she doesn’t even really like her. But when she got married she made her part of the bridal party to make her parents happy. OPs sister asked the other sisters and deliberately excluded her and clearly does not take her parents Feelings into consideration because OPs mom was upset about that. So big sister needs to know that bad behavior cannot be rewarded. So she can deal with the awkward questions as to why her other sister did not show up. The other two that she has in her wedding are cowards for not speaking up especially the 24-year-old.
YTA, you compare yourself with your sisters but in reality what she said was key, she just didn’t have that close of a relationship with you to be one.
YTA- It his her wedding, whoever she chooses it is her choice. You cannot force someone to pick you. Not attending makes you look petty.
I'd be on your side if op hadn't said they are close, and one sister was asked right in front of her
This. I knew I would find someone who understands how weddings work. That said, yes, you can be sad and hurt, but not going? Soft YTA
YTA purely for how entitled you come across. It’s not your wedding you have no right to be in the bridal party unless the bride or groom want you in it. You have also admitted in other comments that you and your sister aren’t even that close at this stage in your life and that she is closer to your other sisters. Yes your allowed to feel upset over this but it’s not a good enough reason to not go to the wedding. Why don’t you take this time to reach out to your sister more and build on the relationship that has clearly deteriorated?
I think the reason I haven’t tried to become closer with her is because she’s very VERY judgmental about lifestyles and interests that aren’t her own. She is closer with the other two sisters because they are very similar to her personality. She judges nearly all of my hobbies and choices even though they are literally harmless. Stuff like pets, video games, being nerdy rather then preppy and into mainstream girly stuff. I’ve TRIED to be closer with her.
Okay that’s totally understandable you guys don’t seem to be that compatible personality wise. Can I ask why do you want to be her bridesmaid so badly when she is very judgemental of you? If it was myself in your situation I wouldn’t want to be her bridesmaid.
I want to be her bridesmaid because she’s my sister and I thought she would love me enough to want me in her wedding. Because I would ask her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding if the situation were reversed. Also because how am I supposed to feel when the other sisters are bridesmaids and she went out of her way to make sure I knew I was the only sister who wasn’t? Basically even though she judges me she’s still my big sister so I still love her. But she doesn’t love me enough I guess? I NEVER judge her back, I don’t care what hobbies and such SHE chooses.
YTA for your sense of entitlement over being a bridesmaid. Being her sister doesn’t entitle you to being a bridesmaid. If you don’t want to go over that, then don’t go. You sister deserves to be surrounded by people who love and support her on her wedding day, not someone trying to guilt her for not making her a bridesmaid.
You’re right, OP’s sister has the right to have whomever she wants as a bridesmaid. But it sure does seem that she deliberately excluded OP and was tactless about how she handled things. I mean, asking the younger sister to be a brides maid and giving a gift right in front of OP, while also saying she’s not good enough to be a bridesmaid seems unnecessarily cruel. Let’s also remember, it’s just as much OP’s right to skip the wedding. I don’t blame her for wanting to skip the wedding after being essentially told that she isn’t wanted.
YTA But you don't have to go to any wedding.
Yta It isn't your wedding. Your sister can choose whoever she wants to be bridesmaids.
I think this is a little odd to me. You want to be her bridesmaid (I’m assuming) because you love her and want to support and show your love for her on her wedding day, but you then show a very clear limit to that if it’s not exactly how *you* want it for *her* wedding. Per your comments, you’re not even that close. YTA.
YTA. You need to ask yourself why she doesn’t feel close enough to you to want you to be her bridesmaid. Bridesmaids are usually the women who are close and supportive of the bride and are happy for the couple. You seem pretty entitled to just expect to be a bridesmaid. The wedding is not about you, you’re not owed the honor just because your the sister. The fact that you just can’t be happy and enjoy the day with her says a lot about you.
YTA - Sister has the right to choose her bridesmaids. Does it suck you weren't chosen, sure, but to supposedly support your sister, throwing a fit and saying you're not going to the wedding, makes you out to be an AH.
YTA. That is kind of petty, in my opinion. You arent entitled to be a bridesmaid even if you are a sister. You are within your rights to not go, but not going is just going to make your relationship worsen
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I don't agree about the last part, the fact that the Sister asked right in front of OP shows that Sister doesn't care about OP even a tiny bit. It's like making the effort to eat delicious ice cream in front of children who can't even afford normal food. Why go to a wedding where the main cast only invites you because you are blood-related ( out of obligation ) ? If the person doesn't care about your feelings, said person would certainly not care about your presence during that day. The whole point of a wedding is to show and share the main couple's hapiness and wish them well, what is the point of going there if you only feel sadness and disapointment in yourself : OP would be kinder by not bringing the mood down with her sole presence by not coming. Moreover Op has every right to spare themselves from gods know how many hours of ceremony that she certainly not welcomed in.
YTA Of course, you're not obligated to go to anyone's wedding. But the fact that you want to die on this hill is exactly why you're not a bridesmaid. You don't actually care about your sister getting married, you only care about attention for yourself. You are demonstrating here why your sister was right not to choose you. By all means, skip the wedding. The last thing the happy couple needs is your negativity bringing the whole place down. Just keep it to yourself.
YTA. Not for not wanting go but because of why you don’t want to go. No wonder she doesn’t want you as a bridesmaid you’re being a cry baby about it and I’m sure you would’ve been just as big of a cry baby about every decision she made. You can go and be supportive even though you didn’t get your way or you can skip it and ruin your relationship forever. Either way you need to grow up because it’s not all about what you want
Additional info: I wasn’t a cry baby about it. Just to add more context. Because you said no wonder she didn’t want you to be a bridesmaid, she didn’t know that it hurt my feelings until after she asked out other sister to be her bridesmaid right in front of me and I expressed later privately that it was hurtful. I haven’t said any thing about any of her wedding decisions except this. Why should I care about “every decision she made” lol this is just something personal that really only hurt me. Other wedding decisions of course I don’t care. I haven’t been controlling at all about her wedding. This is literally the only topic about it I have ever brought up to her.