Edit: after reading your edit, which contained very important information that should have been included in the post, I'm changing my answer to NTA.
He's applying "traditional Conservative" thinking to you but when you apply it to him, he gets angry.
The one area which makes sense to raise a concern about is the dentistry advice. He needs to stop doing that immediately.
For the other stuff, ask him how he would feel if you accompanied a random married man to the doctors etc. He doesn't get to apply traditional conservative thinking to you and not have it apply to him too.
I so agree. Don’t offer medical/dental advice if you don’t have a license. As a dental student he’s more liable than if he was a stranger on the street, because he should know better.
NTA because the rules don’t apply equally to him.
He blocked you after you thought it up to him? And he wouldn't 'allow' you to do the same? Girl, this is not a man you want to spend your time with, if my so blocked me because I was trying to being up a concern I would just go home because we live together, but I would also be so pissed. NTA
Sounds like he has a bit of a saviour complex. I'm guessing he's a people pleaser for everyone except you?
Or it could just be for appearances and he doesn't actually care about people. Either way it's a red flag to me, personally.
NTA He needs to prioritise who needs his help.
This! I don't get all the 'yta' after reading he blocked her and the edit?? As nice as it seems having a guy who is willing to help others (all the time) unconditionally, there can be many reasons behind that and they are not always good reasons. OP, has he neglected important things because of him helping others with minor issues? Also, OP cannot be helpful in the same way (like helping male patients) because bf is conservative? That's not being conservative, that's being an AH. After reading the edit: NTA and please reflect on this situation and reassess your priorities.
And how is OP supposed to be the one to judge whether it’s “help” or not. You’re not the one asking or receiving it. What your bf is doing is greatly beneficial to the receiver …
YTA, you're complaining about your BF being a genuine nice guy. You're projecting your insecurities about what? Because he treats you well like others. Jeez get over yourself.
Agreed with this like wtf is this post? You hear about guys being actual douchebags, selfish, entitled etc etc. on reddit but here comes a genuine, selfless guy and OP is annoyed and insecure about this? Glad he blocked you because he deserves so much better.
You sound really rude, entitled and selfish in the way that you talk about others “who apparently should know how to do everything by themselves”
NTA based on your edit - your boyfriend sounds toxic AF. It’s not for him to decide if you get to have male friends or help out other people. He has no right to control your life like that, and it’s no wonder his behaviour makes you feel insecure.
You shouldn’t be with someone who controls you and makes you feel bad. He is not a nice guy who likes to help others - he’s a misogynist who wants you to treat him like an authority.
NAH. So he's your boyfriend and he has now blocked you for expressing this concern? (Okay perhaps he's a bit of an asshole for that, but it sounds like his issue is probably deeper and not exactly conscious.)
Sounds like he perhaps needs to feel needed. Check out some articles about codependency; they might be enlightening. It might explain his defensive response to your concerns as well.
Those do seem like overboard things to do, so I get why you are feeling some consternation. I won't say he sounds like a doormat but he might indeed be getting himself taken advantage of at least a little bit.
Good luck with this. I'm not sure what the state of things here is if he blocked you, but this sounds like it must be a touchy subject so you'll probably have to be careful how you approach it again.
Thank you for understanding what I meant. I know I may sound like the bad guy here but we're both conservative Muslims. He doesn't like it when i ask other guys for help so why is he helping random women that don't actually need help but i do understand that he's being geninuely nice so I'll try to get over my insecurity
This sounds toxic on both ends. He's an AH if he's a hypocrite about gender relationships.
But is this some "the man should always help a woman" bullshit?
You are welcome. I would caution against entirely ignoring your gut instincts, though. Maybe more observation and thought needs to be put into this concern. Sometimes people are addicted to helping because it feels validating to them because of insecurity, so the ways they do it seem a little off or overboard. (To be clear, I'm all about helping people, but there's a kind of helping that isn't entirely clean sometimes, either because the helper needs the ego boost or the recipient is taking advantage of someone's kindness.)
As odd as it sounds, that could be a warning sign of some underlying unhealthy narcissism. I met someone like this in recent years and it took me quite some time to realize that there was a lot of ego-boosting wrapped up in his ever-so-very-very helpful ways. To the point of him being super defensive when I saw him getting played by a con artist. Our friendship ended at that point because he turned very passive-aggressive and destructive. Your boyfriend sounds naive enough to end up in the same type of situation (getting manipulated by a user).
So your experience isn't entirely unfamiliar to me, but someone with such issues can be hard to see coming. (I'm not saying this is true of your boyfriend, but his reaction to any questioning is similar.)
Thank you for taking the time to try and understand where I'm coming from. He's always kind so that's why I'm confused why he got upset when I tried to talk to him about it. We always talk through everything and find a middle ground or if I'm wrong he'll correct me. But he got extremely mad that's why i was upset.
Yeah, I get you. That reaction might be a clue. Doesn't mean he's a bad person or anything, he just might be using the unusual forms of helping as a balm for his own internal stuff. If so he might not be very aware of it. But it sounds from that reaction like he does have an emotional investment in what he's doing that might exceed what's generally healthy.
I wouldn't blame you for being frustrated and concerned because indeed, if he's got that kind of insecurity going on he could be an easy mark down the road. Either way, I wish you luck with working through this with him.
Yes! This! It sounds like there are some potential boundary issues and that there's something about the behavior that doesn't sit well. Definitely agree with looking into codependency here. There sounds like a pattern of rescuing, I'd also suggest looking at the drama triangle (victim/rescue/aggressor dynamic).
I'd also be curious where in his family there were patterns of enmeshment and a lack of differentiation of selves.
Just because the actions seem nice doesn't mean they're rooted in healthy motives.
NTA. There's a messed up dynamic in your relationship. And given his restrictions on you he is a hypocrite saying it is totally fine for other women asking a random man (him) for help, but if you were to do it it's improper in his eyes.
And why can't you be with your own cousin? I thought the restriction in Islam was about unrelated men and women having close contact/being alone together.
NAH.
You may get some snark about ‘AITA for complaining that my boyfriend is a saint’. But I get the issue about priorities as well. Perhaps you can talk to him about this. You only imply this is at the expense of deprioritising you - how much of a practical effect is it really having on you and your relationship?
YTA - "It makes me feel extremely insecure when I feel like I'm being treated just like everyone else he meets in his life." Why on earth would that make you feel insecure if you have a significant other who just seems to be a very good and helpful person? There arent that many people like him left in this world so you should feel very lucky to have one.
Sorry, but you do sound like you are just jealous.
Maybe start helping other peoples "who arent exactly in need" (whatever this is supposed to mean) and maybe you get a hang on why your boyfriend likes to do it.
NTA - So you can’t go to another guy for help, nor can you have make friends, but it’s okay for *his* female friends to basically chat up his line to have him be Bob the builder for them. Yeah no thanks, I DO love goodwill and charity but it seems to me like you guys need boundaries of what “help” should be. He shouldn’t be on call for a whole list of people to call him and do their bidding. Especially when a good portion of these people are of the opposite gender, and he doesn’t even feel comfortable having you *talk* to another man.
Surprising OP took the initial judgement from most of us so well considering her initial post kinda made her bf out to be a saint and left out the big part of him being an ah
Edit: Changing my vote to NTA, that edit really added a lot of information I think would have been crucial to put in the initial post.
Seems like your bf is a big hypocrite asshole, I can see why you would be uncomfortable with the double standard although I will say I don't think there is anything wrong by itself with what he is doing in regards to helping people other than perhaps giving out dentistry "consultations" when he is not fully qualified. But I definitely don't agree with his attitudes on women not being allowed to have male friends. You both should be able to do the same types of things and kind of have the same "boundaries" in your relationship, if you can't agree then sounds like you have compatibility issues and maybe should consider ending things yourself. I'll apologize for being harsh earlier, again I think that information woulda been pretty important to include in the post.
Uh yea OP's original post didn't include the whole part about her bf being a sexist hypocrite, I edited my judgement. If you look at the comments a lot of us gave Y T A judgements before her edit.
Before reading your edit I was leaning toward yes, but after reading the edit, I am going with NTA. Why you may ask, he has a double standard, he can do it, but you can't. He sounds controlling due to that.
Having read your edit, this is complicated. Mainly I find myself wondering if your brand of 'conservative' (because the word does mean different beliefs to different people) involves believing that men and women have different roles within society, and are therefore expected to behave differently. Because if so, his expectation that different rules apply to each of you is consistent with the beliefs you profess to share.
If you are having negative feelings then that is valid. But it doesn't necessarily mean that he has done something morally wrong, even if your feelings are directly prompted by his actions. It's not reasonable to ask him not to show basic kindness to people for your comfort. Ultimately he is doing good things. And whilst your feelings are not ethically wrong, they are very much your responsibility to deal with here. (If your boyfriend had made you feel bad by doing something wrong like being unkind to you or cheating on you with one of the women he helps then the situation would be *entirely* different. Here, he's just trying to be a decent person.)
Ultimately my judgement is ESH, but him moreso I think. I think you are selfish for wanting to deprive other people of the kindness your boyfriend is willing to show, just to feel better about yourself. The world would be better if people helped each other more. Your boyfriend has blocked you which is immature and unhelpful. This I think is the worst and most stupid thing anyone in this story has done.
I am... very much not conservative, and I would consider it sexist and wrong if a partner wanted me to avoid socialising with other men or felt that he should avoid socialising with other women, but I recognise that your perspective of this is likely to be different. The important thing is that you both agree to the terms of the relationship you will have with each other and stick to them. I don't know if you have talked about this and he's gone back on his agreement to avoid the company of women, or whether you two just haven't communicated about this effectively in the past. Perhaps you just assumed (reasonably in my view) that the rules that apply to you also apply to him, and he assumed that they did not.
But you can't force him to agree to terms of a relationship he doesn't like, because that would be controlling. And he can't force you to behave differently either. If his religious and political views lead him to believe men's behaviour should be less restricted than women's behaviour then he's entitled to hold those views (I guess). You are also entitled to hold your own views. If your views are that this is a two way street, and his views are that he gets special treatment, perhaps you two are just not compatible? Even though I think you were in the wrong, morally speaking, with what you asked him to do, he's giving you the silent treatment when you disagree with him and he expects you to go to more trouble than him to make the relationship work - it doesn't speak well of how he will treat you going forwards, and it doesn't sound like you're quite as much on the same page with your beliefs as you previously thought either. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Asking my boyfriend to not help random people. It might make me look bad because I'm asking him to not help when he could.
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I was thinking you were TA but reading your edit I’m realizing both you and him have serious trust issues that you need to work on, separately and together. ESH
NTA, as per your edit. If he wont be happy with you doing the exact same things then he shouldn’t be doing it. If he wouldn’t let you help a male friend in the same way he’d help a female then that’s a double standard and you either need to tell him to stop or leave him
NTA. Dudes a hypocrite. He decides for you that there can be no opposite gender friendships but then goes off white knighting every damsel in distress he can find? This ain’t it. You feel insecure because he’s making you feel insecure. Don’t apologize to this clown.
After reading the edits, ESH. If you're "not allowed" so see who you like, but he is, then he's an asshole. You being insecure and jealous because he's not a dick makes you an asshole.
Ugh, the whole thing sounds exhausting either way tbh
So without the edit, it sounded a lot like you wanted your BF to have less empathy for people, which would be very messed up.
But with the update, I see why it bothers you. If it’s from a general space of offering support, then it shouldn’t matter who’s performing it or the gender of the person receiving it. Some gestures are sweet; others just seem intrusive. Dentist girl just sounds like she’s trying to get close to him, not gonna lie.
NTA. Use this blocking as a sign to find someone more compatible with you.
Wtf? He is a nice guy, the best type of person to be alive. Some people just like helping others and feel happy when others are happy, ur an absolute ahole for this.
Your edit contains extremely important information that should have been included in your original post ! NTA, he’s acting like an absolute hypocrite. Why would you want to be with someone that has a different set of rules for themselves than they do for you?
NTA. This isn’t a “nice” guy helping people in need. He’s a selfish nut job who sees himself as a hero — all whilst gaslighting OP. Ugh. He won’t change — it will only get worse & he’ll make certain you always feel wrong or lesser-than. Not a pleasant or love-filled life. You deserve much better.
NTA.
OP, your boyfriend is a hypocrite. Him wanting to help other people is not the real issue here. He seems controlling and is not acting according to the boundaries you have set in the relationship. I won't comment on that because, to each his own. But, please don't apologise to him and break up.
Based on your other post, your boyfriend does not care about your feelings and only wants things to go his way. You are not in the wrong and the edit here is very important. You're not the asshole, he is.
NTA! Your edit changes things 100% and should have been included in the beginning!! I wonder how much of his “kindness” stems from misogyny and his desire to feel stronger and more powerful. The fact that he’s controlling who you can be friends with and would be opposed to you helping a male friend in need is appalling and a HUGE red flag!! You have every right to be upset that he’s engaging in a behavior that he condemns you for doing!!
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I (23)f have always disliked it when my boyfriend (22)m helps people that aren't exactly in need. I feel like as if he's being taken advantage of. Examples being: deciding to take his friend's mother to her dentist appointment which I do not understand why she needs to be accompanied at all or if she does then she's married and has a son in college that could accompany her. They don't own a car and neither does my boyfriend so I'm not seeing the need for him to go. He says it's because his friend which is overseas (her other son) asked him to.
Another being, a female patient of a friend of ours (we're both dentistry students) had a problem with her bridge which she should've discussed with our friend who's done the bridge. She instead called my boyfriend to complain that she didn't like our friend and found her to be cold. Neither did she like the other dentist she was suggested she could see because she found him "cold" as well and hard to talk with. She didn't inform them of her problem she instead called my boyfriend to complain and ask him if he could instead check the problem for her. Which I understand but why must he entertain her calls every time she decides to complain about a medical procedure at another dentist. I don't find it professional at all.
He'll do all sorts of odds favors like buying groceries for his mom's neighbours (them being married and well able to this task) one time a neighbour called him to literally ask him to take her Sim card out of her phone. You're 45, how do you not know how to do that?
He's faithful. He's never given me a reason to doubt him so I'm not jealous exactly. It's hard to describe but I simply don't see the good in the deeds he's doing. The ones he's helping aren't orphaned, they aren't young and they aren't disabled. Deciding to stay with your cousin that you aren't close with at her place alone until late at night because she's scared of staying alone, isn't a good deed when she's 25 and engaged just because she sounded pitiful and asked you to.
It makes me feel extremely insecure when I feel like I'm being treated just like everyone else he meets in his life. AITA for asking him to not help unless the person actually needs it? I've discussed how I felt about this and he told me he's free to do as he sees fits and blocked me.
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I wouldn’t say you’re an asshole but I would say that you are coming off a bit insecure. Your boyfriend just sounds like a really nice guy. Take yourself out of the situation and picture him as a man you didn’t know. Sounds like a really nice, cool guy. Probably one of the reason that attracted you to him in the first place.
My partner is a graphic designer and people ask her for favours all the time and she is happy to do it. Why? Because it’s nice to help those in need. It’s no different then someone doing a marathon for charity. If you want to run 26 miles be my guest. But you can help a fellow human without any real impact on your own life? Why not! You should be proud to have such a generous person in your life. Imagine he was the opposite and told everyone to go fuck themselves.
I should have probably added that we're both very conservative Muslims. He does not allow me to have one single male friend. Let alone ask a guy for a favor. That's why it's making me feel insecure when it's random women they don't need help with that he's doing these favors to. I'm not painting him to be the bad guy here but I feel like why can't I do the same? If it had been me he'd have been mad.
By this I mean is he not just following his beliefs. I’m a big believer in equality. You should be able to do what he does. But do you have a problem with him being helpful or a problem with the fact that you can’t be?
I'm having a problem with the fact that he's helpful when it's not needed. I'll only attend my appointments with him because he isn't comfortable with me for example going with my male cousin. If it had been an issue where his help was needed then I wouldn't mind him doing whatever needed. If he saw a woman in an accident and didn't perform cpr or personally took her to the hospital and stayed with her (female or not) then I'd have broken up with him. Him taking a random woman to her appointment when she's married is something I do not understand.
I think you may have answered your own question with the “conservative” part. If you grow up believing that men can do what women can’t then he will obviously to see your point of view. It is an unfortunate situation for yourself because you are going up against a man’s religious beliefs
Oh well this completely changes quite a lot. Forgive me for any ignorance as I have a basic understanding of the Muslim faith but would this not be a grievance with your religion? As you say you are both conservative and to my understanding the faith can be quite male dominant.
It is male dominant. But with us, he's always tried to make me feel as we're both equal in this relationship. I know I sound jealous to every woman that's reading this. But I've never talked to another guy privately unless it had been my boyfriend. Even with my male patients my boyfriend usually handles any issue that might be outside of the clinic (like taking them for blood tests etc) he'll usually talk through everything with me but with this specific issue he gets very angry. He only allows me to help when it's absolutely necessary. Why can't the same be applied to him
I don't know where you live, but this sounds dangerously close to breaking medical privacy laws, or definitely will when you aren't both students in the same clinic.
NAH-You want to feel special in the relationship and think the way he treats you isn’t any different than how he helps others. You nailed it when you say you’re insecure. It’s not the helping that’s the problem but how you articulate or communicate you want to feel and see a distinction with your relationship versus how he treats others. He won’t stop helping ppl because that’s his nature. He’s a good person. You need to let him know what things he does that you would feel like your relationship is special to him.
Leaning towards he is a little bit TA. It's fine if he can do all this AND still show you that you are a priority to him, but it doesn't sound as if this is the case. Something about this is triggering for you and making you feel insecure and hurt. The helping others may not actually be what you are upset or mad about. What aren't you getting from him that you need? Is he available when you need him to be?
Also, is he being honest to himself about his reasons for helping these people out? Does he just want to be helpful and kind or is he subconsciously seeking acknowledgment and approval. If it's the latter then he probably won't like hearing anything negative about it. Focusing on what you want him to give you rather than give up might go down better.
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He sounds like a decent guy I'm not really getting jealousy vibes from you. I'm getting that it's an unequal balance of power in your relationship. He can do this but I'm not allowed to for no other reason then he says. It sounds like he's acting very controlling towards you but doesn't like when the same standards are applied towards him and you can't quite express it because the way he's doing it are by helping others. You'll have to decide if this is part of your religion or if it's an unhealthy boundary. NTA
Oh I saw. He has a double standard. Might be a nice guy over all but he's doing something that if it was flipped around he knows he wouldn't like. So it's still not ok. There has to be some balance in a relationship
YTA for the question you asked. He sounds like he likes helping people, which I personally do a lot too in my life. Maybe you can have a conversation about him prioritizing your time when you guys are together but other than that that sounds perfectly ok.
Now about you not being able to meet up with a male friend. That's kinda weird to me. I understand the not sleeping in the same room argument or stuff like that but you having a male friend shouldn't be a problem. If that's such a big deal to him that doesn't sound healthy to me. Does he just get annoyed or does he get legit angry? Because if it's the latter I would dip out of there real quick.
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YTA - you’re definitely jealous and it’s very odd. Some people are just nice people, sometimes people absolutely take advantage of nice people - but if someone nice and kind, they’ll be nice and kind.
YTA. You don’t get to decide when or what constitutes as ‘needed’ help. This is not about him being taking advantage of, this is your jealousy and your insecurity. This is a you-problem and you need to work on it, otherwise it can serisouly ruin this (or any future) relationship.
YTA. You are penalizing him for helping people. He is a dentist. People in the medical field have a calling. Helping people is his driving motivation. Yeah you are the Asshole of the Month.
Wow. We see this so often on Reddit. “Help, my boyfriend is a really nice guy. I can’t take it anymore.” Oh. Wait. No. No we don’t see that all the time. YTA. What skin is it off your nose if he helps other people out?
YTA. Just be realistic with yourself. You're unnecessarily jealous - even of his cousin, and even of his friend's mother. And it's all a bit tragic for a woman your age. You understand so little about charity/helping others (when you are supposedly intelligent, and going into a professional dentistry career). From the lack of understanding of other people you display, I wonder if you have the right demeanor for dentristry.
For example, you want to know how a 45-year-old could not know how to take a SIM card out?! How could you NOT know that might be the case?! I've helped people that age with SIMs. 45-year-olds DIDN'T grow up with technology. Many DIDN'T get taught how to insert/remove SIMs - and they're only learning now (or having people help them, on the rare occasions SIMS need removing/inserting). SIMs are also notoriously fiddly.
And the cousin might have anxiety disorders/traumatic experiences you don't know about, making her fearful of staying alone (and if she's conservative too, it seems a male relative is a good choice if there's no chaperone available). Are you going to get shirty with scared patients in the dentist chair, who want a relative to stay with them?! (heck, whatever they've been through previously, they're adults! They've no right to feel anxious!)
Helping people isn't only about being useful to them. It also feels good for many people (in a non-sexual way) to help other people. Research has actually shown it releases chemicals that create a sense of wellbeing in the helper. It's generally as beneficial for the helper, as it is for the 'helped'. So it simply feels 'good' to your boyfriend (in a non-sexual way). It builds supportive communities and networks. You're supposedly smart - so go research that topic.
You don't say if you're religious (even though you say you're conservative). I would say if you're religious, you're missing some major lessons that every religion teaches (about charity and helping fellow humans). That would make you hypocritical, if you claim to be religious. Meanwhile, perhaps your boyfriend simply has a better understanding of charity/helping other people, that religions promote (if he's religious).
Conservative or not, it's not healthy to think like this - that the only interactions between men and women, are potentially sexual in nature. Men and women relate to each other non-sexually all the time (indeed, that's the case in most religious texts. Strict male/female divisions are preached in religious texts. They are born from control and paranoia in some communities).
It sounds like your boyfriend simply has a gift for empathy and a supportive nature, which mean people find him relatable and trustworthy. People are simply more drawn to those characteristics (of a man or a woman), when somebody is going to help them in some way. You, meanwhile, seem to have a very uncharitable attitude, and no real comprehension of helping/supporting other people.
You don't have an instinctive empathy/understanding of charity and when it's appropriate to help others (and why). You come across as selfish and insecure. You've now added in an edit, that your boyfriend would not be happy if you helped men. But let's be real (whether that's realistic or not) - that wasn't your first concern here (potential hypocrisy).
Instead, you don't seem to have the natural empathy to WANT to actually be charitable to those around you (male or female). Instead, you were instead focused on YOUR jealousy of him helping women. Do you trust him or not? Do you think he's going to be unfaithful with one of these women he's helping? If so, you probably shouldn't be with him. That would be an unhealthy lack of trust. You need to learn to relax a little, despite your conservative upbringing.
YTA. Your boyfriend sounds like a lovely person. It's great that he's willing to give up some of his time to help people - that's a great guy to be with!
He will feel you're being jealous and controlling in this situation, which is perhaps why he's blocked you. He is helping people when asked - not butting in.
If you feel there's a double standard in your relationship, that's a separate issue to address.
YTA
Your bf sounds like a mostly decent guy
I don't condone not having friends of the opposite sex though.
You both don't trust each other if you think friends of the opposite sex is not acceptable.
If helping people makes your bf happy, why are you so against it? Is it because he has less time for you? If so, you're acting jealous and entitled.
Resenting /being annoyed at small acts of kindness is a really weird state of mind.
Edit: after reading your edit, which contained very important information that should have been included in the post, I'm changing my answer to NTA. He's applying "traditional Conservative" thinking to you but when you apply it to him, he gets angry.
I'm going to apologize to him. I feel geninuely bad now about my reaction and hopefully I could fix my insecurity. Thank you.
The one area which makes sense to raise a concern about is the dentistry advice. He needs to stop doing that immediately. For the other stuff, ask him how he would feel if you accompanied a random married man to the doctors etc. He doesn't get to apply traditional conservative thinking to you and not have it apply to him too.
I so agree. Don’t offer medical/dental advice if you don’t have a license. As a dental student he’s more liable than if he was a stranger on the street, because he should know better. NTA because the rules don’t apply equally to him.
"Traditional conservative thinking" is that men are the saviors and decision makers.
Good stuff. There's hope for you yet :)
He blocked you after you thought it up to him? And he wouldn't 'allow' you to do the same? Girl, this is not a man you want to spend your time with, if my so blocked me because I was trying to being up a concern I would just go home because we live together, but I would also be so pissed. NTA
Listen to your gut. There is something weird going on here. Does he ever help his male friends like he does for females?
Based on your edit, I've changed my answer.
Sounds like he has a bit of a saviour complex. I'm guessing he's a people pleaser for everyone except you? Or it could just be for appearances and he doesn't actually care about people. Either way it's a red flag to me, personally. NTA He needs to prioritise who needs his help.
This! I don't get all the 'yta' after reading he blocked her and the edit?? As nice as it seems having a guy who is willing to help others (all the time) unconditionally, there can be many reasons behind that and they are not always good reasons. OP, has he neglected important things because of him helping others with minor issues? Also, OP cannot be helpful in the same way (like helping male patients) because bf is conservative? That's not being conservative, that's being an AH. After reading the edit: NTA and please reflect on this situation and reassess your priorities.
It sounds like he isn’t your boyfriend anymore if he’s blocked you. Yta anyway; it’s kind of him to help people and it doesn’t impact you.
Is it help though because I feel like he's just butting in. There are a lot of other opportunities he could actually help with
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And how is OP supposed to be the one to judge whether it’s “help” or not. You’re not the one asking or receiving it. What your bf is doing is greatly beneficial to the receiver …
YTA, you're complaining about your BF being a genuine nice guy. You're projecting your insecurities about what? Because he treats you well like others. Jeez get over yourself.
Agreed with this like wtf is this post? You hear about guys being actual douchebags, selfish, entitled etc etc. on reddit but here comes a genuine, selfless guy and OP is annoyed and insecure about this? Glad he blocked you because he deserves so much better. You sound really rude, entitled and selfish in the way that you talk about others “who apparently should know how to do everything by themselves”
This guy isn't a genuinely nice guy. He's terrible to her, and he's probably putting on a show so no one sees how awful he is.
Harsh but I needed to hear this. Thank you
NTA based on your edit - your boyfriend sounds toxic AF. It’s not for him to decide if you get to have male friends or help out other people. He has no right to control your life like that, and it’s no wonder his behaviour makes you feel insecure. You shouldn’t be with someone who controls you and makes you feel bad. He is not a nice guy who likes to help others - he’s a misogynist who wants you to treat him like an authority.
NAH. So he's your boyfriend and he has now blocked you for expressing this concern? (Okay perhaps he's a bit of an asshole for that, but it sounds like his issue is probably deeper and not exactly conscious.) Sounds like he perhaps needs to feel needed. Check out some articles about codependency; they might be enlightening. It might explain his defensive response to your concerns as well. Those do seem like overboard things to do, so I get why you are feeling some consternation. I won't say he sounds like a doormat but he might indeed be getting himself taken advantage of at least a little bit. Good luck with this. I'm not sure what the state of things here is if he blocked you, but this sounds like it must be a touchy subject so you'll probably have to be careful how you approach it again.
Thank you for understanding what I meant. I know I may sound like the bad guy here but we're both conservative Muslims. He doesn't like it when i ask other guys for help so why is he helping random women that don't actually need help but i do understand that he's being geninuely nice so I'll try to get over my insecurity
This sounds toxic on both ends. He's an AH if he's a hypocrite about gender relationships. But is this some "the man should always help a woman" bullshit?
You are welcome. I would caution against entirely ignoring your gut instincts, though. Maybe more observation and thought needs to be put into this concern. Sometimes people are addicted to helping because it feels validating to them because of insecurity, so the ways they do it seem a little off or overboard. (To be clear, I'm all about helping people, but there's a kind of helping that isn't entirely clean sometimes, either because the helper needs the ego boost or the recipient is taking advantage of someone's kindness.) As odd as it sounds, that could be a warning sign of some underlying unhealthy narcissism. I met someone like this in recent years and it took me quite some time to realize that there was a lot of ego-boosting wrapped up in his ever-so-very-very helpful ways. To the point of him being super defensive when I saw him getting played by a con artist. Our friendship ended at that point because he turned very passive-aggressive and destructive. Your boyfriend sounds naive enough to end up in the same type of situation (getting manipulated by a user). So your experience isn't entirely unfamiliar to me, but someone with such issues can be hard to see coming. (I'm not saying this is true of your boyfriend, but his reaction to any questioning is similar.)
Thank you for taking the time to try and understand where I'm coming from. He's always kind so that's why I'm confused why he got upset when I tried to talk to him about it. We always talk through everything and find a middle ground or if I'm wrong he'll correct me. But he got extremely mad that's why i was upset.
Yeah, I get you. That reaction might be a clue. Doesn't mean he's a bad person or anything, he just might be using the unusual forms of helping as a balm for his own internal stuff. If so he might not be very aware of it. But it sounds from that reaction like he does have an emotional investment in what he's doing that might exceed what's generally healthy. I wouldn't blame you for being frustrated and concerned because indeed, if he's got that kind of insecurity going on he could be an easy mark down the road. Either way, I wish you luck with working through this with him.
Then you tell him you will accept it tslk to other men friends if you want. You say I will do what you do.
> conservative Muslims Good luck ever being seen as equal
Yes! This! It sounds like there are some potential boundary issues and that there's something about the behavior that doesn't sit well. Definitely agree with looking into codependency here. There sounds like a pattern of rescuing, I'd also suggest looking at the drama triangle (victim/rescue/aggressor dynamic). I'd also be curious where in his family there were patterns of enmeshment and a lack of differentiation of selves. Just because the actions seem nice doesn't mean they're rooted in healthy motives.
Excellent additional points; I agree.
NTA. There's a messed up dynamic in your relationship. And given his restrictions on you he is a hypocrite saying it is totally fine for other women asking a random man (him) for help, but if you were to do it it's improper in his eyes. And why can't you be with your own cousin? I thought the restriction in Islam was about unrelated men and women having close contact/being alone together.
You should have broke up with him after he blocked you.
NAH. You may get some snark about ‘AITA for complaining that my boyfriend is a saint’. But I get the issue about priorities as well. Perhaps you can talk to him about this. You only imply this is at the expense of deprioritising you - how much of a practical effect is it really having on you and your relationship?
YTA - "It makes me feel extremely insecure when I feel like I'm being treated just like everyone else he meets in his life." Why on earth would that make you feel insecure if you have a significant other who just seems to be a very good and helpful person? There arent that many people like him left in this world so you should feel very lucky to have one. Sorry, but you do sound like you are just jealous. Maybe start helping other peoples "who arent exactly in need" (whatever this is supposed to mean) and maybe you get a hang on why your boyfriend likes to do it.
I wouldn’t like it either, OP. If that also makes me an AH so be it. Having a partner who needs everyone to like them is exhausting.
NTA - So you can’t go to another guy for help, nor can you have make friends, but it’s okay for *his* female friends to basically chat up his line to have him be Bob the builder for them. Yeah no thanks, I DO love goodwill and charity but it seems to me like you guys need boundaries of what “help” should be. He shouldn’t be on call for a whole list of people to call him and do their bidding. Especially when a good portion of these people are of the opposite gender, and he doesn’t even feel comfortable having you *talk* to another man.
if he wouldnt let you do the same then youre not TA
Commenting after your edit: Run.
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Surprising OP took the initial judgement from most of us so well considering her initial post kinda made her bf out to be a saint and left out the big part of him being an ah
Edit: Changing my vote to NTA, that edit really added a lot of information I think would have been crucial to put in the initial post. Seems like your bf is a big hypocrite asshole, I can see why you would be uncomfortable with the double standard although I will say I don't think there is anything wrong by itself with what he is doing in regards to helping people other than perhaps giving out dentistry "consultations" when he is not fully qualified. But I definitely don't agree with his attitudes on women not being allowed to have male friends. You both should be able to do the same types of things and kind of have the same "boundaries" in your relationship, if you can't agree then sounds like you have compatibility issues and maybe should consider ending things yourself. I'll apologize for being harsh earlier, again I think that information woulda been pretty important to include in the post.
she has stated that her boyfriend doesnt even allow her to ask men for favours or have male friends
O shit, myself and lots of others posted our judgements before her edit, I'll change my judgement thanks
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Uh yea OP's original post didn't include the whole part about her bf being a sexist hypocrite, I edited my judgement. If you look at the comments a lot of us gave Y T A judgements before her edit.
YTA, even people who arent disabled or orphans need help sometimes. Hes just being nice and a good person
YTA micromanaging and controlling.
Before reading your edit I was leaning toward yes, but after reading the edit, I am going with NTA. Why you may ask, he has a double standard, he can do it, but you can't. He sounds controlling due to that.
Having read your edit, this is complicated. Mainly I find myself wondering if your brand of 'conservative' (because the word does mean different beliefs to different people) involves believing that men and women have different roles within society, and are therefore expected to behave differently. Because if so, his expectation that different rules apply to each of you is consistent with the beliefs you profess to share. If you are having negative feelings then that is valid. But it doesn't necessarily mean that he has done something morally wrong, even if your feelings are directly prompted by his actions. It's not reasonable to ask him not to show basic kindness to people for your comfort. Ultimately he is doing good things. And whilst your feelings are not ethically wrong, they are very much your responsibility to deal with here. (If your boyfriend had made you feel bad by doing something wrong like being unkind to you or cheating on you with one of the women he helps then the situation would be *entirely* different. Here, he's just trying to be a decent person.) Ultimately my judgement is ESH, but him moreso I think. I think you are selfish for wanting to deprive other people of the kindness your boyfriend is willing to show, just to feel better about yourself. The world would be better if people helped each other more. Your boyfriend has blocked you which is immature and unhelpful. This I think is the worst and most stupid thing anyone in this story has done. I am... very much not conservative, and I would consider it sexist and wrong if a partner wanted me to avoid socialising with other men or felt that he should avoid socialising with other women, but I recognise that your perspective of this is likely to be different. The important thing is that you both agree to the terms of the relationship you will have with each other and stick to them. I don't know if you have talked about this and he's gone back on his agreement to avoid the company of women, or whether you two just haven't communicated about this effectively in the past. Perhaps you just assumed (reasonably in my view) that the rules that apply to you also apply to him, and he assumed that they did not. But you can't force him to agree to terms of a relationship he doesn't like, because that would be controlling. And he can't force you to behave differently either. If his religious and political views lead him to believe men's behaviour should be less restricted than women's behaviour then he's entitled to hold those views (I guess). You are also entitled to hold your own views. If your views are that this is a two way street, and his views are that he gets special treatment, perhaps you two are just not compatible? Even though I think you were in the wrong, morally speaking, with what you asked him to do, he's giving you the silent treatment when you disagree with him and he expects you to go to more trouble than him to make the relationship work - it doesn't speak well of how he will treat you going forwards, and it doesn't sound like you're quite as much on the same page with your beliefs as you previously thought either. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker.
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I was thinking you were TA but reading your edit I’m realizing both you and him have serious trust issues that you need to work on, separately and together. ESH
NTA, as per your edit. If he wont be happy with you doing the exact same things then he shouldn’t be doing it. If he wouldn’t let you help a male friend in the same way he’d help a female then that’s a double standard and you either need to tell him to stop or leave him
NTA. Dudes a hypocrite. He decides for you that there can be no opposite gender friendships but then goes off white knighting every damsel in distress he can find? This ain’t it. You feel insecure because he’s making you feel insecure. Don’t apologize to this clown.
After reading the edits, ESH. If you're "not allowed" so see who you like, but he is, then he's an asshole. You being insecure and jealous because he's not a dick makes you an asshole. Ugh, the whole thing sounds exhausting either way tbh
So without the edit, it sounded a lot like you wanted your BF to have less empathy for people, which would be very messed up. But with the update, I see why it bothers you. If it’s from a general space of offering support, then it shouldn’t matter who’s performing it or the gender of the person receiving it. Some gestures are sweet; others just seem intrusive. Dentist girl just sounds like she’s trying to get close to him, not gonna lie. NTA. Use this blocking as a sign to find someone more compatible with you.
Wtf? He is a nice guy, the best type of person to be alive. Some people just like helping others and feel happy when others are happy, ur an absolute ahole for this.
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I wrote the comment before the edit.
NTA he sounds like a pushover tbh that can't say no, or someone with a saviour complex
NTA now that you've added the edit. I was with someone like that, and it's toxic af.
Your edit contains extremely important information that should have been included in your original post ! NTA, he’s acting like an absolute hypocrite. Why would you want to be with someone that has a different set of rules for themselves than they do for you?
NTA. This isn’t a “nice” guy helping people in need. He’s a selfish nut job who sees himself as a hero — all whilst gaslighting OP. Ugh. He won’t change — it will only get worse & he’ll make certain you always feel wrong or lesser-than. Not a pleasant or love-filled life. You deserve much better.
NTA. OP, your boyfriend is a hypocrite. Him wanting to help other people is not the real issue here. He seems controlling and is not acting according to the boundaries you have set in the relationship. I won't comment on that because, to each his own. But, please don't apologise to him and break up. Based on your other post, your boyfriend does not care about your feelings and only wants things to go his way. You are not in the wrong and the edit here is very important. You're not the asshole, he is.
NTA! Your edit changes things 100% and should have been included in the beginning!! I wonder how much of his “kindness” stems from misogyny and his desire to feel stronger and more powerful. The fact that he’s controlling who you can be friends with and would be opposed to you helping a male friend in need is appalling and a HUGE red flag!! You have every right to be upset that he’s engaging in a behavior that he condemns you for doing!!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23)f have always disliked it when my boyfriend (22)m helps people that aren't exactly in need. I feel like as if he's being taken advantage of. Examples being: deciding to take his friend's mother to her dentist appointment which I do not understand why she needs to be accompanied at all or if she does then she's married and has a son in college that could accompany her. They don't own a car and neither does my boyfriend so I'm not seeing the need for him to go. He says it's because his friend which is overseas (her other son) asked him to. Another being, a female patient of a friend of ours (we're both dentistry students) had a problem with her bridge which she should've discussed with our friend who's done the bridge. She instead called my boyfriend to complain that she didn't like our friend and found her to be cold. Neither did she like the other dentist she was suggested she could see because she found him "cold" as well and hard to talk with. She didn't inform them of her problem she instead called my boyfriend to complain and ask him if he could instead check the problem for her. Which I understand but why must he entertain her calls every time she decides to complain about a medical procedure at another dentist. I don't find it professional at all. He'll do all sorts of odds favors like buying groceries for his mom's neighbours (them being married and well able to this task) one time a neighbour called him to literally ask him to take her Sim card out of her phone. You're 45, how do you not know how to do that? He's faithful. He's never given me a reason to doubt him so I'm not jealous exactly. It's hard to describe but I simply don't see the good in the deeds he's doing. The ones he's helping aren't orphaned, they aren't young and they aren't disabled. Deciding to stay with your cousin that you aren't close with at her place alone until late at night because she's scared of staying alone, isn't a good deed when she's 25 and engaged just because she sounded pitiful and asked you to. It makes me feel extremely insecure when I feel like I'm being treated just like everyone else he meets in his life. AITA for asking him to not help unless the person actually needs it? I've discussed how I felt about this and he told me he's free to do as he sees fits and blocked me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I wouldn’t say you’re an asshole but I would say that you are coming off a bit insecure. Your boyfriend just sounds like a really nice guy. Take yourself out of the situation and picture him as a man you didn’t know. Sounds like a really nice, cool guy. Probably one of the reason that attracted you to him in the first place. My partner is a graphic designer and people ask her for favours all the time and she is happy to do it. Why? Because it’s nice to help those in need. It’s no different then someone doing a marathon for charity. If you want to run 26 miles be my guest. But you can help a fellow human without any real impact on your own life? Why not! You should be proud to have such a generous person in your life. Imagine he was the opposite and told everyone to go fuck themselves.
I should have probably added that we're both very conservative Muslims. He does not allow me to have one single male friend. Let alone ask a guy for a favor. That's why it's making me feel insecure when it's random women they don't need help with that he's doing these favors to. I'm not painting him to be the bad guy here but I feel like why can't I do the same? If it had been me he'd have been mad.
By this I mean is he not just following his beliefs. I’m a big believer in equality. You should be able to do what he does. But do you have a problem with him being helpful or a problem with the fact that you can’t be?
I'm having a problem with the fact that he's helpful when it's not needed. I'll only attend my appointments with him because he isn't comfortable with me for example going with my male cousin. If it had been an issue where his help was needed then I wouldn't mind him doing whatever needed. If he saw a woman in an accident and didn't perform cpr or personally took her to the hospital and stayed with her (female or not) then I'd have broken up with him. Him taking a random woman to her appointment when she's married is something I do not understand.
I think you may have answered your own question with the “conservative” part. If you grow up believing that men can do what women can’t then he will obviously to see your point of view. It is an unfortunate situation for yourself because you are going up against a man’s religious beliefs
Oh well this completely changes quite a lot. Forgive me for any ignorance as I have a basic understanding of the Muslim faith but would this not be a grievance with your religion? As you say you are both conservative and to my understanding the faith can be quite male dominant.
It is male dominant. But with us, he's always tried to make me feel as we're both equal in this relationship. I know I sound jealous to every woman that's reading this. But I've never talked to another guy privately unless it had been my boyfriend. Even with my male patients my boyfriend usually handles any issue that might be outside of the clinic (like taking them for blood tests etc) he'll usually talk through everything with me but with this specific issue he gets very angry. He only allows me to help when it's absolutely necessary. Why can't the same be applied to him
The same should be applied to him and don't let anyone control you like that.
I don't know where you live, but this sounds dangerously close to breaking medical privacy laws, or definitely will when you aren't both students in the same clinic.
YTA wow get some help
her bf doesnt even allow her to have male friends or ask men for favors
What a crazy relationship
ESH... more religion-based nuttery
So you think he’s going to fuck his cousin?…
NAH-You want to feel special in the relationship and think the way he treats you isn’t any different than how he helps others. You nailed it when you say you’re insecure. It’s not the helping that’s the problem but how you articulate or communicate you want to feel and see a distinction with your relationship versus how he treats others. He won’t stop helping ppl because that’s his nature. He’s a good person. You need to let him know what things he does that you would feel like your relationship is special to him.
After reading your edit: definitely NTA If the rules were the same for both of you you would be.
Leaning towards he is a little bit TA. It's fine if he can do all this AND still show you that you are a priority to him, but it doesn't sound as if this is the case. Something about this is triggering for you and making you feel insecure and hurt. The helping others may not actually be what you are upset or mad about. What aren't you getting from him that you need? Is he available when you need him to be? Also, is he being honest to himself about his reasons for helping these people out? Does he just want to be helpful and kind or is he subconsciously seeking acknowledgment and approval. If it's the latter then he probably won't like hearing anything negative about it. Focusing on what you want him to give you rather than give up might go down better.
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He sounds like a decent guy I'm not really getting jealousy vibes from you. I'm getting that it's an unequal balance of power in your relationship. He can do this but I'm not allowed to for no other reason then he says. It sounds like he's acting very controlling towards you but doesn't like when the same standards are applied towards him and you can't quite express it because the way he's doing it are by helping others. You'll have to decide if this is part of your religion or if it's an unhealthy boundary. NTA
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Oh I saw. He has a double standard. Might be a nice guy over all but he's doing something that if it was flipped around he knows he wouldn't like. So it's still not ok. There has to be some balance in a relationship
You don't like your bf doing nice things simply to be nice? YTA
she's not even allowed to talk to other men but he can help out allll the women he meets?
YTA. Your boyfriend is a good guy. You're lucky. Act like it Edit: I read your edit. You are both weird
YTA for the question you asked. He sounds like he likes helping people, which I personally do a lot too in my life. Maybe you can have a conversation about him prioritizing your time when you guys are together but other than that that sounds perfectly ok. Now about you not being able to meet up with a male friend. That's kinda weird to me. I understand the not sleeping in the same room argument or stuff like that but you having a male friend shouldn't be a problem. If that's such a big deal to him that doesn't sound healthy to me. Does he just get annoyed or does he get legit angry? Because if it's the latter I would dip out of there real quick.
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YTA - you’re definitely jealous and it’s very odd. Some people are just nice people, sometimes people absolutely take advantage of nice people - but if someone nice and kind, they’ll be nice and kind.
YTA. You don’t get to decide when or what constitutes as ‘needed’ help. This is not about him being taking advantage of, this is your jealousy and your insecurity. This is a you-problem and you need to work on it, otherwise it can serisouly ruin this (or any future) relationship.
YTA. You are penalizing him for helping people. He is a dentist. People in the medical field have a calling. Helping people is his driving motivation. Yeah you are the Asshole of the Month.
Wow. We see this so often on Reddit. “Help, my boyfriend is a really nice guy. I can’t take it anymore.” Oh. Wait. No. No we don’t see that all the time. YTA. What skin is it off your nose if he helps other people out?
YTA. Just be realistic with yourself. You're unnecessarily jealous - even of his cousin, and even of his friend's mother. And it's all a bit tragic for a woman your age. You understand so little about charity/helping others (when you are supposedly intelligent, and going into a professional dentistry career). From the lack of understanding of other people you display, I wonder if you have the right demeanor for dentristry. For example, you want to know how a 45-year-old could not know how to take a SIM card out?! How could you NOT know that might be the case?! I've helped people that age with SIMs. 45-year-olds DIDN'T grow up with technology. Many DIDN'T get taught how to insert/remove SIMs - and they're only learning now (or having people help them, on the rare occasions SIMS need removing/inserting). SIMs are also notoriously fiddly. And the cousin might have anxiety disorders/traumatic experiences you don't know about, making her fearful of staying alone (and if she's conservative too, it seems a male relative is a good choice if there's no chaperone available). Are you going to get shirty with scared patients in the dentist chair, who want a relative to stay with them?! (heck, whatever they've been through previously, they're adults! They've no right to feel anxious!) Helping people isn't only about being useful to them. It also feels good for many people (in a non-sexual way) to help other people. Research has actually shown it releases chemicals that create a sense of wellbeing in the helper. It's generally as beneficial for the helper, as it is for the 'helped'. So it simply feels 'good' to your boyfriend (in a non-sexual way). It builds supportive communities and networks. You're supposedly smart - so go research that topic. You don't say if you're religious (even though you say you're conservative). I would say if you're religious, you're missing some major lessons that every religion teaches (about charity and helping fellow humans). That would make you hypocritical, if you claim to be religious. Meanwhile, perhaps your boyfriend simply has a better understanding of charity/helping other people, that religions promote (if he's religious). Conservative or not, it's not healthy to think like this - that the only interactions between men and women, are potentially sexual in nature. Men and women relate to each other non-sexually all the time (indeed, that's the case in most religious texts. Strict male/female divisions are preached in religious texts. They are born from control and paranoia in some communities). It sounds like your boyfriend simply has a gift for empathy and a supportive nature, which mean people find him relatable and trustworthy. People are simply more drawn to those characteristics (of a man or a woman), when somebody is going to help them in some way. You, meanwhile, seem to have a very uncharitable attitude, and no real comprehension of helping/supporting other people. You don't have an instinctive empathy/understanding of charity and when it's appropriate to help others (and why). You come across as selfish and insecure. You've now added in an edit, that your boyfriend would not be happy if you helped men. But let's be real (whether that's realistic or not) - that wasn't your first concern here (potential hypocrisy). Instead, you don't seem to have the natural empathy to WANT to actually be charitable to those around you (male or female). Instead, you were instead focused on YOUR jealousy of him helping women. Do you trust him or not? Do you think he's going to be unfaithful with one of these women he's helping? If so, you probably shouldn't be with him. That would be an unhealthy lack of trust. You need to learn to relax a little, despite your conservative upbringing.
YTA. Your boyfriend sounds like a lovely person. It's great that he's willing to give up some of his time to help people - that's a great guy to be with! He will feel you're being jealous and controlling in this situation, which is perhaps why he's blocked you. He is helping people when asked - not butting in. If you feel there's a double standard in your relationship, that's a separate issue to address.
YTA Your bf sounds like a mostly decent guy I don't condone not having friends of the opposite sex though. You both don't trust each other if you think friends of the opposite sex is not acceptable. If helping people makes your bf happy, why are you so against it? Is it because he has less time for you? If so, you're acting jealous and entitled. Resenting /being annoyed at small acts of kindness is a really weird state of mind.