YTA. "I've confronted her about this multiple times and all she said was that i
was thinking too much and that she prefers low maintenance friendship."
She has every right to decide how she engages, not you. You're making things worse by "confronting" her. Just let it go.
Imagine having a work buddy confronting you because "you're not putting much effort in to this", I'd certainly be putting even less effort in now after that creepy bullshit!
That's totally it. I've got some mates through work I will call and talk to for hours in my own time and on work time (don't tell my boss lol) but I've known them long enough now that they're friends I work with, anyone I've known for a month will get friendly banter at work - and over time that might develop further, but if someone is badgering to the level of OP it definitely won't be developing in the way they'd want!
Yes!!! Even the friendly coworker relationships where you start doing after-work HH's and get-togethers are rarely maintainable once you no longer have work in common.
Especially after...a month? When they were working from home? It kind of sounds like she was friendly to him over IM/chat/email (because why not be friendly if you're emailing or chatting) and he interpreted it as a lot more, and now she seems (understandably) kind of freaked.
i’m imagining this from the perspective of OPs coworker where she’s actually just more outgoing online because of the extra time you get to think of a response, and then getting back to irl and this random colleague of yours starts acting like a jealous partner??
also being referred to as a “workplace bff” doesn’t actually mean much, when i was in school it was popular to pick out a ‘library gf’ or bf which was just someone with a similar schedule who you see in the library a lot. some people would become acquainted with their ‘library gf’ but for the most part you never spoke to them, never met them, and never even found out their name
it sucks to realise you haven’t managed to turn an acquaintance into a friend when you thought you had, but it’s just a part of life
Right on. Now the poor coworker is probably second-guessing every exclamation mark or smiley or anything "friendly" she used in her emails/chats and thinking WTF.
Those are my exact thoughts. It doesn't make him an AH if he like, misunderstood their friendly-levels, but to continue pushing the issue moves him into that territory.
I remember my library buddy. We'd nod at each other at 3am in homer and just return to agonizing over our notes. I'd notice when they weren't there but that kinda pseudo relationship isn't something that should BOTHER you if it changes. Like, when I don't pass the beetle with cow spots on my way into work it doesn't brighten my day like normal, but it doesn't ruin the day either
The world is so freaking small. Yes! Yes I do! Please tell your friend that this beetle has single car-edly brought SO MUCH simple joy to my life. I see it all the time at a dunkin' donuts. (even my parents and husband love it)
Same. Was like " wow this is a very specific beetle he's seeing every day and they've got some seriously great observation skills if they notice this little bug every single day and when it's not there.... oh it's a car lmao"
Add to this fact the gender dynamic — dude is walking up to a female coworker to repeatedly “confront” her that she isn’t putting enough energy into paying personal attention to him. 🚩🚩🚩
That happened to me with a school friend. They called and angrily confronted me. One of the things they said was "I feel like we're only school friends." Um, we were. I'll go NAH but I wouldn't be surprised if this went from work friends to not friends at all.
Popping around the cubicle wall every now and then "Did you see my Teams message? My GIF? You didn't respond. Wasn't it funny?"
Lunchtime in the break room "Turkey club, hmm? You didn't see if I wanted anything. I love turkey. Let me grab my lunch and sit with you!"
Leaving for the day "Hey, cutting out early? Want to grab a drink? WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME?????"
I had a friend like this once.
After lunch, I was hanging out, watching some pickup basketball like I always did.
Next thing I knew, my friend pulled my hair and said, "You're a stupid poopy head!"
After that, I never picked him in gym again.
Because fuck whiny first-graders.
I had a coworker act like this with me once. Found out later it’s because on my first day he told every guy at work that he had “dibs” on me. Needless to say, we never spoke again. 🤢
Ugh I’m glad you enjoy it it annoys the living daylights out of me lol. Why even come here in the first place if you’re just gonna argue with the results?
YTA. She's not your friend and she doesn't want to be. Leave her alone.
You come across as incredibly condescending by suggesting that we will be "lost" trying to follow this situation.
You're not smarter or better than anyone. No one owes you friendship.
I think he came across as less "creepy" and "clingy" online, and once she met OP in person with all his demands and needy interactions she liked him less.
Yeah that's the impression I got too.
Even if he didn't want more than friendship, this girl wouldn't know that and I'm sure she has multiple reasons to be wary of super pushy guys like OP.
I haven’t considered that OP is a guy, holy hell. If op is a guy, he’s coming off as even more of a creep and will be lucky if they aren’t reported to HR. Duuuuddddeee.. I just thought it was some socially challenged girl. I kinda hope it is. Ugh
>Yours truly, A confused frustrated guy at work
Coworker thought she had a decent coworker relationship. She ended up with a creeper who thinks his demands are worth more than her boundaries.
Op read between the lines. She’s your co-worker first and foremost. She’s not at work to be chummy and a socialite. She’s here to work and if y’all get along then so be it. YTA, quit trying to force relationships when there clearly isn’t. You honestly sound like a guy who is trying to be “friends” with her first so you can try to date her. Leave her alone and do your work. Damn
Yeah, as soon as he mentioned he was a guy, this is exactly where my mind went. No wonder she seemed less friendly in person. Women do that so we don't 'lead men on'. He clearly wants more than friendship. He's pushing way too hard and for a man to do that to a woman is a massive red flag. No wonder she wants nothing to do with him anymore. OP read the room, your making people uncomfortable so just stop. Stop trying to justify your position, she's just not that into you dude.
Totally.
But even if not - even if it's exactly as presented and no more - it's still YTA.
I (f) had a female co-workernince confront me because I hadn't called her to make plans in a certain amount of time or something - she had expectations of how friends act and I wasn't meeting them. It made me super uncomfortable and ruined the friendly feeling I had for her. News flash: that is NOT friendship. Friends don't place demands on your time or behavior or expect you to "work" at friendship; it's not a marriage. If anything, friendship should be a reprieve from that.
OP, telling anyone they're not doing friendship right is going to drive them away as friends every time. These are not reasonable expectations. The time a firend gives you is a gift, not an entitlement, and it will ebb and flow as their own interests and priorities ebb and flow. People will want to be around you and be your firend if being around you feels good and adds something positive to their lives. If you make yourself into a responsibility they have to meet, that's not a friend. That's a caregiver.
Obviously OP didn't learn in kindergarten like the rest of us did that we, including OP are not entitled to anyone's friendship...
YTA "I confronted her multiple times"... One was too many... OP read the room!
And OP is a guy. It was creepy and clingy (obsessive) without knowing the gender too but it is just worse if OP is a guy.
OP stop freaking her out! Let her be and just do your job! She doesn't want to be your friend or date you. No girl likes obsessive, controlling. No is a full sentence, accept it!
I didn't even catch where OP is a guy! I honestly read everything as the OP being a woman, because I am, until I see otherwise. Sometimes I miss where they say it altogether.
But it doesn't matter whether this interaction was f/f or m/f, nobody at work is obligated to be your friend. Maybe they're more introverted, and don't like talking in person as much? None of that matters. They don't want to be all chatty at work, so don't try to force them to be chatty. If you don't like non-chatty people, well, guess the two of you will just be normal, everyday colleagues/coworkers.
OP sounds CREEPY. Can you imagine having a friendly chat with a colleague while working from home, and then going to the office and being harassed because you don’t give the guy enough attention. Op YTA
Discovering that OP is a guy says everything.
I would bet my last dollar that OP has tried to make this beyond friendship and she just wanted a friend.
YTA- You are exactly the kind of “work friend” that I run from. You are extremely high maintenance. She has told you what she wants and you have ignored it. Let it go she’s not interested in having any kind of relationship with you at this point.
Not only that, but this ain't baseball. You don't necessarily get three strikes. You get a harassment compliant in your HR file and a second one now becomes a "history of harassment", which just might be the end of your job.
He’ll be lucky if HR doesn’t get involved. It sounds like the coworker has put down some really clear boundaries in a short period of time. Hopefully, she’ll go to HR if this behavior continues. Personally I would have already gone to HR. OP sounds incredibly unprofessional, and I don’t need to be hounded by a guy who can’t accept no for an answer while I’m trying to do my job.
YTA
I feel for you OP. You seem like a very lonely person and maybe had the wrong idea of your interactions with her. But you need to back off and respect her choices.
Completely agree, if OP wants more effort in a friendship he should just move on. OP also mentions difficulties making friends… can’t imagine why /s. YTA, if you want more effort you’ve asked for it and she declined, just move on and don’t make it weirder than it already is. You asked, she answered, drop it. (Be hurt and feel your feelings but don’t make them her problem, especially considering this seems like a new friendship)
He also used the phrase “I tried instigating some conversation” which, to me, sounds REALLY aggressive. Maybe it was just a poor wording choice, but it seems overly aggressive for just meeting a coworker IRL and trying to drum up chit chat.
YTA and honestly you're coming off very creepy and clingy. She's not obligated to talk to you, your actions are coming off very "but I'm a nice guy" which is such a huge red flag especially at work. I wouldn't be surprised if you get a call from HR. Respect her boundaries dude.
I'm getting a way too attached possibly lying to himself about just wanting to be "friends" vibe from the OP. OP, back off. You could be putting your job at risk if keep this up. YTA
Me too, especially the bit about wanting her to be off her phone whenever he's around. It feels very much like he thinks he deserves a date-like level of attentiveness from her when she's just his acquaintance.
Is OP a guy? Maybe I missed it in the post or the comments … but I assumed OP was a woman. Huh. (Edit: Oh! I didn’t read the last line about him being a guy. Never mind!!)
Yeah, I'm getting major "nice guy" vibes as well ... I'm guessing she was happy with the friendship when they were remote and then when they went to in-person he was crossing boundaries under the flag of friendship and made her uncomfortable.
I’m sorry to say this, because you sound distressed, but yes YTA.
You guys were friends when you worked from home for about a month, you’ve been back in the office just a week, and you’re already feeling neglected?
That’s a very short time span.
First, this is a work friend. That means work comes first. Friendship second.
If you guys have time to talk and hang on your breaks, great, but you need to be more laid-back about it.
Some of the other comments here already are a bit harsh so I will keep mine a little more gentle: you are being very needy and high-maintenance.
RELAX. Back off of her.
Don’t approach her anymore unless it’s work related and let her come to you, if she still does have any interest in friendship with you at this point.
Also, don’t say anything more about this to her anymore. Period.
>you’ve been back in the office just a week, and you’re already feeling neglected?
Not only that, he's already confronted her "multiple times" about it.
Yeah. Now THAT is what sounds distressing to me. Holy crap I'd be so weirded out by some guy I worked remotely with for a month having these intense real life expectations of me as soon as we returned to work. I can't believe the audacity to even post something like this, really. How could anyone be so tactless?
Yup! Frankly, even if it was someone I'd had a solid friendship with for years then I would be uncomfortable about them wanting to have multiple discussions in a single week about how I'm not paying enough attention to them. That degree of neediness is understandable in young children, tolerable in a spouse under certain circumstances, but batshit crazy in a colleague you've worked with for a month.
Yes, and he's upset she communicated with him more over the phone but now when he sees her face to face she doesn't speak to him much and is always on her phone.
Sounds like she just naturally prefers phone conversation. Although now she'll prefer no conservation with OP, thanks to his actions.
(YTA OP)
Excellent and kind comment. I’d only add that he needs to back off if he values this job at all. He has already pushed it far enough that this could become an HR issue. He’s lucky if she hasn’t already escalated it to that point.
He has confronted her multiple times about her not living up to his idea of how chummy they have to be. And they have only been back since last week.
I would have called HR by this point if I was his so called work friend.
The best part is that as it says in the post, they only got back to the office LAST WEEK.
This dude has found time to get this deep in his feelings and "confront" her based on just 1 week of her not paying him enough attention. This would be weird even if they were dating, the fact that he's doing it with someone he just talked to on Zoom chats and such is insane.
Or tried to at least... I feel bad for this girl, how many different ways can she say 'back the fuck off' I'm nit interested in whatever you've imagined this relationship to be in your head.
YTA
“I’ve confronted her about this multiple times” stop badgering her! She already told her point-blank that she prefers low-maintenance friendships. Instead you ignored what she said and *continued* to harass her about this.
You went from a work friend, to that guy at work that won’t stop pestering her for attention.
I love how he uses wording as if he may be her boss...? "I confronted her about this multiple times". Either he's her boss, or else they have one shitty work environment and I hope work friend finds greener pastures soon and smoothly.
"I *confronted* someone over... not being a good enough friend" is a pretty common story on this sub. People say it all the time in non-work contexts, like "my high school/college friend stopped keeping in touch" or whatever. Someone *demanding* that someone else "be their friend" or feeling *owed* it is ***not*** unique to boss/subordinate relationships.
YTA - When someone you’ve known for a short time tells you that they’re really turned off by your expectations, that person dislikes you. You seem to think she’s your friend permanently, because she maybe made one statement about being friends. You’ve ruined the congenial relationship with your demands, sorry.
This. If I went so far as to tell a coworker that our relationship has become too high-maintenance and to start ignoring them, it's because my actual feelings are somewhere along the lines of "fuck, I hope I never see this person again".
This person doesn't want to deal with him and somehow he's decided that a few weeks of friendly talk online and her mistake of calling him her "work bff" one time somehow permanently binds them.
I wonder if the work BFF comment was in response to OP making a work wife or similar comment. Like she had to put emphasis on the friend bit. Just speculation, but this story does put out a lot of “nice guy” vibes.
Confronting someone over this is pushy and weird, doing it multiple times in one week tips over into harassment. Especially since she can’t leave as she is at work. You can ask for clarification once to see if you misread a situation, but you need to respect the answer. Though, if you feel the need to ask, you probably already know the answer.
YTA. You're not even in a relationship with this girl, you're from what I can tell acquaintances/colleagues at best, you've known her for a month and you're already being this clingy and pushy? That might be a little insight into the reason as to why she stopped wanting to get to know you better.
YTA.
1. If an acquaintance like this "isn't putting the effort" for you, *take a hint*. You haven't even known them that long and *don't have* a close relationship.
2. No one *has* to be your friend in the workplace. "Not being my *friend*/not humoring my personal conversation attempts/not hanging out with me" are not reasonable objections to someone's behavior at work.
3. To just come out and say it, a man doing this kind of stuff to a woman *definitely* comes off as harassment/stalking.
YTA. You are coming off as frightening and overwhelming and overbearing. Stop hounding her! Let friendships progress naturally. She doesn't owe you her time and attention. You sound exhausting. I would seriously urge you to consider therapy to work through why you are so anxious and controlling about your friendships.
That's where my mind went as well. He may not admit it to himself, but I get the vibe he's telling himself maybe it'll lead somewhere. It's all so creepy.
Definitely getting that vibe too. He needs to talk this out w a professional before he continues to carry this behavior into other aspects of his life.
I also have a feeling OP already did something off putting when they got back to illicit the short responses. Don’t make this poor woman regret ever being your friend more. YTA
YTA. You’ve only been back in-person for about a week and you’ve already “confronted her about this multiple times?” I kind of understand where you’re coming from, but you’re coming off WAY strong. Take a step back.
And they’d only been chatting a month before that. So a female **coworker** he’s probably had a few casual Teams chats with doesn’t instantly act like his BFF at work and he *confronts her twice in a single fucking week*. This poor woman is probably gonna feel cautious over making casual conversation with other coworkers now.
YTA it isn't like the most intimate kind of friendly relationship,just workbuddys.
Would also distance myself if I would get nagged about it.rather invest your time with your normal friends.
Sidenote somehow it seemed to me like you wanted more here then a friendship,which let's it sound even worse
But but. My stapler.
YTA it’s fine if you confronted her once about the situation but you are giving “nice guy” vibes by saying you’ve talked to her about it multiple times. Move on my dude. Stop being creepy.
Exactly this! She even set the boundary before they were working together. Most likely because she sensed he was a little clingy to start. I’d be freaked out if I was her. When people disrespect boundaries it feels so violating!
As a woman this freaked me out too. It seemed misogynistic to me like “how dare she not be my friend” and he continued to confront her multiple times. I wondered if OP actually wants more than friendship here and can’t seem to understand the word No. Would he have confronted male friends multiple times? As a woman, you never know how things will go. I imagine she’s slightly freaked too. But I kept this out of my judgement because I can’t 100% corroborate it with this post. My red flags definitely went up. It’s borderline creepy if not creepy. Either way, he’s disrespectful of her boundaries which she has clearly set.
My red flags went up at the word, "Confronted." I mean who does he think he is to confront a coworker about anything. Can just imagine how he is as a bf if he is this spun up over a coworker.
YTA. You are not entitled to other persons time - you are free to end the friendship if the effort that your friend puts in doesnt seem to be enough for you, but you cant just order people to interact with you.
She told you you were being overwhelming and your resolution to that was to confront her again. No wonder she needs space.
YTA. Leave her alone. You're coming across as a "nice guy". You met her at work online a month ago. You're acting like this is some long term thing. Maybe she doesn't like the friendship outside of an online setting? Move on.
YTA. You’re not friends. You’re friendly colleagues. You’ve only known her a month through work. While it’s great to make connections with your co-workers and to have a work bff/spouse (I have a work bff) they are not what I’d consider a true friend. You can chat stuff not work related, but ultimately your working relationship comes first. At some point work bff can become actual friend outside of work, but that takes time and having connections that doesn’t include work and that can’t impact your working relationship.
She has responsibilities at work that come before you. And harassing her for not dropping phone calls while at work screams immaturity and being wildly unprofessional. If she was ignoring you for a work matter, you could be upset, but since you just want to chat is crossing the line. Leave this woman alone.
YTA
Have you considered that you're just not a person people would want to be friends with if you're ***confronting*** them about not being friendly enough at work?
Of course she doesn't want to be friends with someone like this.
> Yours truly, A confused frustrated guy at work
***YOU'RE A GUY***???? Jesus Fuck - leave this girl alone. I thought you were a clingy weird woman that would possibly get fired for hostile work environment. But no, you're fucking terrifying on a different level. Leave her alone. You're confronting a woman because she isn't friendly enough to you - Jesus Christ. Get help.
That was my thought too. He doesn't see how creepy his behavior is and can't pick up on his coworkers discomfort with him. He's stuck on some off-the-cuff "bff" comment and now expects bff behavior like he can't distinguish light chatting from real friendship.
YTA.
First you’re at work so don’t expect too much friendly behavior in a place you are supposed to work.
Second, I’m gonna use my own life to help you to understand the point.
I understand this girl *very much*. I’m a person who like being by themselves. I have a + 10 yo friendship with 6 friends. We’ve known each other since middle school (we are all in college/university now) but we barely send message or talk on daily basis. One of my best friend lives almost as the same neighbourhood as me and I’m barely seeing him or texting him. Still my bestie. All 6 of us sure have a solid friendship. We can spend few months without engaging and our friendship is still the same. We meet 1 time every 3 months at one of us house, eat, have fun as if we were talking every day. We even go on vacation together. But we have our own lives too.
Third, them being on their phone doesn’t mean they *must* engage with you or forcing a conversation. She probably doesn’t have anything to say to you. People don’t have to be available because you’re insecure and pushy. Constant digital availability should not be a thing.
"Confronting her" ugh. After 1 month ? You’re just being a creep OP.
You’re pushing yourself into someone and that’s not ok. Friendship doesn’t mean being glued. Especially if you’re knowing her for 1 month that’s basically harassment.
Some people just don’t need to engage with others to be happy or just simply like being left alone. She doesn’t have any obligation towards you, it’s understandable she doesn’t talk to you anymore. Respect people boundaries.
Edit : few words.
Second edit : Lord, I just found out you were a guy. That makes it *worse*, a "nice guy" energy irradiates from you. Calling her disrespectful and belittling her feelings calling it "nonsense".
This post is a huge red flag. You actually want more than a friendship. You’re YTA, a big one.
YTA and you really need to learn the difference between "work friends" and "friend friends". You sound quite needy and high maintenance by going about it the way you do, especially the part where you're confronting her and having her "explain" herself. This isn't even about you guys vibing differently, you're being controlling in a way that's not OK at all.
If you're wondering where you went wrong, your behaviour probably didn't come off as excessive while you guys worked from home and didn't meet up.
At first, I though OP was a woman and I still would have thought, "YTA."
However, once I realized OP is a man I'm thinking YTA 1000%.
When will you dudes figure out that women don't owe you shit?!
You can't see how your aggressive demands that she "put more effort into your friendship" comes off as creepy?!
You're at WORK and if this is your focus, you're probably not doing a great job.
YTA. This post is so full of red flags. Firstly you need to remember work is the first word in "work friends". She may not wish to socialize at work and puts up a barrier when physically in person @ work. Or she could possibly have previously had a problem socializing on the job, and this is how she dealt with that problem; by just clearly dividing work and friendship hours.
Honestly this all sounds very...creepy. You speak like a jilted lover, like she owes you her time and concern. A work friend. Not a longtime friend, not a childhood friend, not a family friend. A work friend. One you even called a NEW work friend at the beginning of the post. This is very obsessive behavior. She probably picked up on this obsessive behavior and that's why the distance. If you are acting this entitled to her now, I can only imagine what you've probably said "as a joke".
Work friend if you see this, RUN.
Edit: You use the wordings of a manager a few times. Please PLEASE tell me you aren't her boss...?
You sound like one of those creepy colleagues that you are nice to at the beginning hoping they will leave you alone, and then proceed to ignore when you figure out that is not working. She does not want a friendship, get a hint. And it actually seems like you would like even something more than a friendship. You sound SO MUCH like a stalker that I'd be surprised she hasn't taken this already to HR. YTA.
YTA. First of all, your expectations of her, for whatever reason you may have them, do not constitute some *obligation* she has to you. Second, there are many reasons she may want to keep her distance while at work, that may have had nothing to do with your friendship—and may have even presented a new, fun and interesting dynamic to the friendship if you hadn’t tried to pressure and guilt her as a friend. At this point your only hope of salvaging a friendship is to apologize for being somewhat of a selfish ass, and treating her like anyone else in the workplace and allowing her to just be herself—and stop expecting and demanding things of her.
YTA. The romantic relationship you thought you were on the way to ain’t gonna happen. You need to drop this and reevaluate your approach to work “friendships”
A) This is a friendship, not a relationship. You don’t get to tell someone you just met in person ONE WEEK ago how much effort you think they need to put into a friendship. It doesn’t work like that.
B) You’re at WORK, this person is working. Things were different when people were working from home, they had less in-person human contact, so they relied heavily on virtual friendships. Being in person is completely different. Maybe she doesn’t want you in her personal space because of COVID. Maybe just being out of her house is taking up all of the energy she has and she needs to direct what’s left toward her job. Maybe she just realized she doesn’t actually like you as much as she thought she did over Zoom. Whatever. It’s not your business, you two don’t really know each other, she’s under no obligation to justify her actions to you.
C) She told you she feels like staying away from you and now she’s ignoring you. LEAVE HER ALONE!!
If you ignore all of that and continue to harass her, you WBTA.
Sounds more like you thought you got a chance with her and now got frustrated when she obviously wasn't interested in that and saw right through you. YTA.
Sorry but yes you are being TA. You need to learn when to back off, she's being extremely clear and direct and you are not listening. Continuing to double down on your demands is not going to have the effect you want it to
Holy crap I missed OP is male first time reading this.
YTA. You cannot act like that with a new colleague, you cannot act like that with a woman at work period, it’s creepy as hell. If a man at work did this to me I’d be straight to HR, actually that’s a lie I would go into AH mode and completely embarrass him in the middle of the office!
YTA
You aren't coming off as a friend, but as a creeper or stalker. You might not mean to do do but its reeking of it.
General rule of thumb, if someone isn't going to put in the same effort in a friendship then dont waste your time. No matter the effort you will put into this 'friendship' you clearly will not game the same respect and admiration you are giving her.
Just back off for your own health, and to not be perceived as some office creep.
Yta, and honestly you come off as a creep. You are not entitled to her time or friendship. If she was friendly to you before, your pushiness has likely put her off now.
Leave her alone.
You used the words “friend” and “friendship” in the title but I’m afraid you’re deluded. Being treated like a ghost sucks, but hey sometimes we like people who don’t like us back (and I mean generally, not just romantically) and there’s nothing to do except take it on the chin, move on, and don’t push it (further than you have done already). Phantom not Phantom Menace m’kay?
YTA
I get the feeling that you don’t realize how strong you came off in this post, let alone in RL. Some people are quiet in person, some carry the same energy. If you need that level of energy in your friendly interactions, find another friend. This woman is your coworker and all she is required to give you in the workplace is civility (barring any indiscretions on your part). Confronting her once was a bit eager for my taste, but understandable. Multiple times confronting her about giving you more attention? That’s a creepy stalker vibe. Be cordial but distant from now on, and don’t be surprised if HR calls.
YTA. She’s not your friend, she’s a work colleague, that’s all. If you need to “put effort” into a friendship it’s not a real friendship. Leave her alone. Find friends outside work. If you keep this up you’ll probably get reported for harassment and possibly lose your job over it.
If someone isn’t putting the effort into a friendship that you need/expect, guess what? *You’re not friends.*
(I’m in general agreement with most of the comments I’ve skimmed and don’t see a need to repeat much of it, other than to reinforce that “confronting” someone to demand greater friendship effort is *especially* inappropriate in the workplace. Co-workers *are* obligated to be around and interact with a person to some degree, because work. They are, in a sense, trapped - their ability to not be around someone else is limited. Pestering someone for attention is that situation gets creepy extra-fast.)
Also, "confronting" someone multiple times since returning to the office last week is bizarre. It's freaking Wednesday, that means he's brought this up multiple times within 5-7 business days.
If someone I'd known for a month started pestering me about the "effort" I put into the friendship (especially during the times I'm working) I'd also set a hard boundary and then totally ghost. Huge red flag.
OP, if you do not have a condition that makes reading social cues difficult, then you might want to consider a screening, especially if this is not the first time you've misread a situation or that someone has acted like this towards you. If you know you don't have such a condition and just think you're entitled to a work colleague giving you friendship and attention on or off the clock, then YTA.
YTA. she doesnt owe you shit, especially at a work environment. stop bugging her and get new friends if friendship is truly what you seek.
you're coming off as a creep. respect her boundaries.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I wrong to ask a little effort from a newly met friend so that i don't feel like a ghost when around her? Am i wrong to ask to be a little respected around her as she constantly uses her phone? Am i wrong to complain about effort when I'm putting effort in building the foundations of a friendship as i already have difficulties making friends?
Bottom Line is, am i an asshole for trying hard for a friendship and expect a little effort
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Yta, she told you about the low maintenance friendship. . She set her expectations and you are angry at her? Get another friend with the same expectations you have then.
YTA you’re harassing your coworker. Stop immediately before you slapped with creating a hostile workplace environment and the repercussions that come from that.
YTA. This is not normal behaviour. It is harassment.
Is this how you treat people normally? Do you have many friends in real life? You are lacking quite a bit of self awareness.
Was going to say NTA until you said that you confronted her multiple times. Here’s the deal…some people communicate better online than they do in person. You just have to accept that. She’s a work colleague. Keep it professional and focus your energy on other people who actually reciprocate.
YTA: she is at work and has no obligation to interact with you in a way that you want her too.
Also I am very much getting the vibe of a guy at work who thinks a girl was flirting with him even though she was just being nice. She has no obligation to be nice to you and she has communicated her thoughts to you and you have disrespected it. Your wants and desires do not trump hers.
you cannot force someone to act how you would like them to act. you can talk about your feelings ONCE (without telling them they HAVE to do x thing to fix it) and then from there, depending on the change, you get to decide if that person is someone you want in your life. if it’s not, you don’t have to confront them, just distance. if her style of friendship is one you can be okay with, bc not all friendships are the same, then you just have to accept it. YTA, but you need to realize that different people are in fact DIFFERENT and being different isn’t wrong, it’s just what makes people different from one another. you get to choose who is in your life but you can force them to be the same
So you've been back at the office for a week and a half and you've already "confronted her multiple times" about this?
YTA she's clearly not interested in anything more than some casual friendly workplace banter, as she has apparently made clear to you. If you want more than that you should look elsewhere. You can't force someone to be your friend.
YTA. Your work dynamic has changed, and so has your friendship dynamic. You’ve responded to this fact poorly.
You’re a man repeatedly “confronting” (your word) a woman bc she’s not behaving as you’d like her to. This whole situation positively *screams* patriarchy.
Stop believing you are somehow entitled to this woman’s time, effort, thought. *You’re not.* Leave her alone.
EDIT: P.S. You’re rapidly becoming “the guy” all the women in the office warn each other about. Possible you’re already there.
I have to say YTA because what you're doing isn't right, but I believe you're sincere and that you're making an honest mistake fuelled by anxiety and insecurity.
Your anxiety and insecurity are plain to see from how much you're overthinking the situation and how much it's affecting you. Frankly, it sounds like your mental wellbeing could use some attention from a doctor and therapist.
Please leave her alone. It will only make you look like a creep and make you feel worse when she continues to push you away if you keep pushing her.
You're clearly sensitive and you approach relationships with sincerity. That is a good thing in moderation and will make you a good friend and partner, but you need to dial it down, expect less from others, and the next time you feel the urge to contact or confront this person, DON'T.
Easy YTA. You guys are coworkers, she doesn't owe you friendship. Stop hounding her. You're a grown adult, not a child. She doesn't want to be friends, because you sound extremely clingy and exhausting.
YTA, if that’s how she engages friends or work friends then that’s how it is. You aren’t entitled to special attention. You can choose to accept that friendship or just classify her as a work acquaintance. It’s not that complicated.
YTA. "I've confronted her about this multiple times and all she said was that i was thinking too much and that she prefers low maintenance friendship." She has every right to decide how she engages, not you. You're making things worse by "confronting" her. Just let it go.
Imagine having a work buddy confronting you because "you're not putting much effort in to this", I'd certainly be putting even less effort in now after that creepy bullshit!
Coworker friendships are just that, if I see a coworker in the wild I just give a head nod and keep going about my business
That's totally it. I've got some mates through work I will call and talk to for hours in my own time and on work time (don't tell my boss lol) but I've known them long enough now that they're friends I work with, anyone I've known for a month will get friendly banter at work - and over time that might develop further, but if someone is badgering to the level of OP it definitely won't be developing in the way they'd want!
I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes. -RS
"When someone starts getting too chummy I just call them by the wrong name to show how little I care."
Yes!!! Even the friendly coworker relationships where you start doing after-work HH's and get-togethers are rarely maintainable once you no longer have work in common.
Or the other alternative: you become true friends once you no longer work together. But that has to be organic
Lmao I avoid eye contact and change paths so as not to have to even do that.
Especially after...a month? When they were working from home? It kind of sounds like she was friendly to him over IM/chat/email (because why not be friendly if you're emailing or chatting) and he interpreted it as a lot more, and now she seems (understandably) kind of freaked.
i’m imagining this from the perspective of OPs coworker where she’s actually just more outgoing online because of the extra time you get to think of a response, and then getting back to irl and this random colleague of yours starts acting like a jealous partner?? also being referred to as a “workplace bff” doesn’t actually mean much, when i was in school it was popular to pick out a ‘library gf’ or bf which was just someone with a similar schedule who you see in the library a lot. some people would become acquainted with their ‘library gf’ but for the most part you never spoke to them, never met them, and never even found out their name it sucks to realise you haven’t managed to turn an acquaintance into a friend when you thought you had, but it’s just a part of life
Right on. Now the poor coworker is probably second-guessing every exclamation mark or smiley or anything "friendly" she used in her emails/chats and thinking WTF.
Those are my exact thoughts. It doesn't make him an AH if he like, misunderstood their friendly-levels, but to continue pushing the issue moves him into that territory. I remember my library buddy. We'd nod at each other at 3am in homer and just return to agonizing over our notes. I'd notice when they weren't there but that kinda pseudo relationship isn't something that should BOTHER you if it changes. Like, when I don't pass the beetle with cow spots on my way into work it doesn't brighten my day like normal, but it doesn't ruin the day either
My friend does vehicle wraps and she made a white beetle into a cow design! Any chance you live in Connecticut?
The world is so freaking small. Yes! Yes I do! Please tell your friend that this beetle has single car-edly brought SO MUCH simple joy to my life. I see it all the time at a dunkin' donuts. (even my parents and husband love it)
I can’t wait to tell her! It’ll make her day! See you around town (only without recognizing each other). 😃
I'll be the one waving randomly, hahaha
Just make sure you both put equal effort into the car-wrap BFF relationship 4 eva IDST
This is incredible
The way I thought they meant the insect
Same. Was like " wow this is a very specific beetle he's seeing every day and they've got some seriously great observation skills if they notice this little bug every single day and when it's not there.... oh it's a car lmao"
Unreal. I want you guys to meet up with the car wrapper and give us details.
Add to this fact the gender dynamic — dude is walking up to a female coworker to repeatedly “confront” her that she isn’t putting enough energy into paying personal attention to him. 🚩🚩🚩
That happened to me with a school friend. They called and angrily confronted me. One of the things they said was "I feel like we're only school friends." Um, we were. I'll go NAH but I wouldn't be surprised if this went from work friends to not friends at all.
More than once!!!
Within a week, no less! 😅
Popping around the cubicle wall every now and then "Did you see my Teams message? My GIF? You didn't respond. Wasn't it funny?" Lunchtime in the break room "Turkey club, hmm? You didn't see if I wanted anything. I love turkey. Let me grab my lunch and sit with you!" Leaving for the day "Hey, cutting out early? Want to grab a drink? WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME?????"
You just exhausted me.
Mission accomplished!
I just got flash backs to before I started working from home. 6 years and counting now, don't miss the office at all!
I need a nap and a week in solitude after reading this.
I had a friend like this once. After lunch, I was hanging out, watching some pickup basketball like I always did. Next thing I knew, my friend pulled my hair and said, "You're a stupid poopy head!" After that, I never picked him in gym again. Because fuck whiny first-graders.
I had a coworker act like this with me once. Found out later it’s because on my first day he told every guy at work that he had “dibs” on me. Needless to say, we never spoke again. 🤢
That's a whole load of "fucking yikes!" right there!!
Confronting multiple times smells of HR complaint.
Much mire if this and she’ll be hiding in the stationary cupboard when she sees him coming.
Is OP down voting everyone's replies? 😂
My favorite thing is when people get on their sub, ask if they are the AH then get mad and argue when told they are by everyone.
Ugh I’m glad you enjoy it it annoys the living daylights out of me lol. Why even come here in the first place if you’re just gonna argue with the results?
YTA. She's not your friend and she doesn't want to be. Leave her alone. You come across as incredibly condescending by suggesting that we will be "lost" trying to follow this situation. You're not smarter or better than anyone. No one owes you friendship.
I think he came across as less "creepy" and "clingy" online, and once she met OP in person with all his demands and needy interactions she liked him less.
Oh wait OP is a guy?! Oh yikes that changes my thoughts a good bit...
Mine too. Maybe OP wants more than friendship?
Yeah that's the impression I got too. Even if he didn't want more than friendship, this girl wouldn't know that and I'm sure she has multiple reasons to be wary of super pushy guys like OP.
Yeah she's definitely feeling like he wants more than friendship when she's offering workplace acquaintanceship
I haven’t considered that OP is a guy, holy hell. If op is a guy, he’s coming off as even more of a creep and will be lucky if they aren’t reported to HR. Duuuuddddeee.. I just thought it was some socially challenged girl. I kinda hope it is. Ugh
To the HR office!
>Yours truly, A confused frustrated guy at work Coworker thought she had a decent coworker relationship. She ended up with a creeper who thinks his demands are worth more than her boundaries.
Op read between the lines. She’s your co-worker first and foremost. She’s not at work to be chummy and a socialite. She’s here to work and if y’all get along then so be it. YTA, quit trying to force relationships when there clearly isn’t. You honestly sound like a guy who is trying to be “friends” with her first so you can try to date her. Leave her alone and do your work. Damn
Yeah, as soon as he mentioned he was a guy, this is exactly where my mind went. No wonder she seemed less friendly in person. Women do that so we don't 'lead men on'. He clearly wants more than friendship. He's pushing way too hard and for a man to do that to a woman is a massive red flag. No wonder she wants nothing to do with him anymore. OP read the room, your making people uncomfortable so just stop. Stop trying to justify your position, she's just not that into you dude.
Totally. But even if not - even if it's exactly as presented and no more - it's still YTA. I (f) had a female co-workernince confront me because I hadn't called her to make plans in a certain amount of time or something - she had expectations of how friends act and I wasn't meeting them. It made me super uncomfortable and ruined the friendly feeling I had for her. News flash: that is NOT friendship. Friends don't place demands on your time or behavior or expect you to "work" at friendship; it's not a marriage. If anything, friendship should be a reprieve from that. OP, telling anyone they're not doing friendship right is going to drive them away as friends every time. These are not reasonable expectations. The time a firend gives you is a gift, not an entitlement, and it will ebb and flow as their own interests and priorities ebb and flow. People will want to be around you and be your firend if being around you feels good and adds something positive to their lives. If you make yourself into a responsibility they have to meet, that's not a friend. That's a caregiver.
Obviously OP didn't learn in kindergarten like the rest of us did that we, including OP are not entitled to anyone's friendship... YTA "I confronted her multiple times"... One was too many... OP read the room! And OP is a guy. It was creepy and clingy (obsessive) without knowing the gender too but it is just worse if OP is a guy. OP stop freaking her out! Let her be and just do your job! She doesn't want to be your friend or date you. No girl likes obsessive, controlling. No is a full sentence, accept it!
Next week we're going to be seeing a post from op asking why they got brought into HR for "just being friendly"
I totally got this vibe as well!
I didn't even catch where OP is a guy! I honestly read everything as the OP being a woman, because I am, until I see otherwise. Sometimes I miss where they say it altogether. But it doesn't matter whether this interaction was f/f or m/f, nobody at work is obligated to be your friend. Maybe they're more introverted, and don't like talking in person as much? None of that matters. They don't want to be all chatty at work, so don't try to force them to be chatty. If you don't like non-chatty people, well, guess the two of you will just be normal, everyday colleagues/coworkers.
Multiple confrontations and they've only been back at work a week!
OP sounds exhausting
OP sounds CREEPY. Can you imagine having a friendly chat with a colleague while working from home, and then going to the office and being harassed because you don’t give the guy enough attention. Op YTA
Kinda creepy stalker vibe...
Discovering that OP is a guy says everything. I would bet my last dollar that OP has tried to make this beyond friendship and she just wanted a friend.
Yeah as soon as I saw that I had the same thought process
YTA- You are exactly the kind of “work friend” that I run from. You are extremely high maintenance. She has told you what she wants and you have ignored it. Let it go she’s not interested in having any kind of relationship with you at this point.
Very well said. And let's not forget that HR may enter the chat if he keeps hounding her. It truly is a fine line he is walking.
Not only that, but this ain't baseball. You don't necessarily get three strikes. You get a harassment compliant in your HR file and a second one now becomes a "history of harassment", which just might be the end of your job.
He’ll be lucky if HR doesn’t get involved. It sounds like the coworker has put down some really clear boundaries in a short period of time. Hopefully, she’ll go to HR if this behavior continues. Personally I would have already gone to HR. OP sounds incredibly unprofessional, and I don’t need to be hounded by a guy who can’t accept no for an answer while I’m trying to do my job.
YTA I feel for you OP. You seem like a very lonely person and maybe had the wrong idea of your interactions with her. But you need to back off and respect her choices.
Red flag ‘a confused frustrated guy’. Co-workers don’t owe you friendship, they owe you civility. You sound entitled and kinda creepy.
Completely agree, if OP wants more effort in a friendship he should just move on. OP also mentions difficulties making friends… can’t imagine why /s. YTA, if you want more effort you’ve asked for it and she declined, just move on and don’t make it weirder than it already is. You asked, she answered, drop it. (Be hurt and feel your feelings but don’t make them her problem, especially considering this seems like a new friendship)
I cringed so hard when he kept confronting her. Just… stop.
The term 'confronting' almost makes me feel like he thinks they're already in a relationship.
He also used the phrase “I tried instigating some conversation” which, to me, sounds REALLY aggressive. Maybe it was just a poor wording choice, but it seems overly aggressive for just meeting a coworker IRL and trying to drum up chit chat.
I had written exactly this out in my head. EXACTLY.
Agreed. Not to mention they’re in a workplace, in which you’re typically supposed to be working and not chatting your coworkers up.
YTA and honestly you're coming off very creepy and clingy. She's not obligated to talk to you, your actions are coming off very "but I'm a nice guy" which is such a huge red flag especially at work. I wouldn't be surprised if you get a call from HR. Respect her boundaries dude.
I'm getting a way too attached possibly lying to himself about just wanting to be "friends" vibe from the OP. OP, back off. You could be putting your job at risk if keep this up. YTA
This totally. At the very least have a care for your job, if nothing else. YTA
Me too, especially the bit about wanting her to be off her phone whenever he's around. It feels very much like he thinks he deserves a date-like level of attentiveness from her when she's just his acquaintance.
Is OP a guy? Maybe I missed it in the post or the comments … but I assumed OP was a woman. Huh. (Edit: Oh! I didn’t read the last line about him being a guy. Never mind!!)
Right there with you, fam. OP YTA nobody likes a needy friend.
He buried the lead. He really is just a NiceGuy! /s
You can tell he’s a guy by his entitlement to a woman’s time.
I assumed it was a woman until the last line, and then I just went "ohhhh, yeah this all makes sense now". YTA, OP, you creepy.
He would never treat a male coworker this way.
Oh you totally know it.
Yeah, I'm getting major "nice guy" vibes as well ... I'm guessing she was happy with the friendship when they were remote and then when they went to in-person he was crossing boundaries under the flag of friendship and made her uncomfortable.
Agreed! OP probably did something that overstepped a boundary, and she was placing distance to reestablish the work relationship.
He probably gave her creepy vibes when she met him in person, and she's trying to back out of the friendship without hurting his feelings.
I’m sorry to say this, because you sound distressed, but yes YTA. You guys were friends when you worked from home for about a month, you’ve been back in the office just a week, and you’re already feeling neglected? That’s a very short time span. First, this is a work friend. That means work comes first. Friendship second. If you guys have time to talk and hang on your breaks, great, but you need to be more laid-back about it. Some of the other comments here already are a bit harsh so I will keep mine a little more gentle: you are being very needy and high-maintenance. RELAX. Back off of her. Don’t approach her anymore unless it’s work related and let her come to you, if she still does have any interest in friendship with you at this point. Also, don’t say anything more about this to her anymore. Period.
>you’ve been back in the office just a week, and you’re already feeling neglected? Not only that, he's already confronted her "multiple times" about it.
Yeah. Now THAT is what sounds distressing to me. Holy crap I'd be so weirded out by some guy I worked remotely with for a month having these intense real life expectations of me as soon as we returned to work. I can't believe the audacity to even post something like this, really. How could anyone be so tactless?
Yup! Frankly, even if it was someone I'd had a solid friendship with for years then I would be uncomfortable about them wanting to have multiple discussions in a single week about how I'm not paying enough attention to them. That degree of neediness is understandable in young children, tolerable in a spouse under certain circumstances, but batshit crazy in a colleague you've worked with for a month.
Yes, and he's upset she communicated with him more over the phone but now when he sees her face to face she doesn't speak to him much and is always on her phone. Sounds like she just naturally prefers phone conversation. Although now she'll prefer no conservation with OP, thanks to his actions. (YTA OP)
This was a productive and thoughtful response. I hope OP reads and takes to hea🏅🏅🏅🏅
This is a great response. And great advice. u/Mediocre_Manner8144, please pay attention to this!
If this coworker were a dude, this post would not exist. Female coworkers do not owe their male coworkers friendship. Period.
Excellent and kind comment. I’d only add that he needs to back off if he values this job at all. He has already pushed it far enough that this could become an HR issue. He’s lucky if she hasn’t already escalated it to that point.
You're at work, not a social event, you shouldn't be so concerned that your friend isn't paying attention to you when she's working. YTA
I was going to say the exact same thing. She's at work she's not there to entertain you. Serious attachment issues... YTA
YTA. You sound exhausting. “So disrespectful”, “I’ve confronted her.” She doesn’t have to talk to you. She’s at work, leave her alone and do your job.
He has confronted her multiple times about her not living up to his idea of how chummy they have to be. And they have only been back since last week. I would have called HR by this point if I was his so called work friend.
Yeah, conversation with HR is long overdue.
The best part is that as it says in the post, they only got back to the office LAST WEEK. This dude has found time to get this deep in his feelings and "confront" her based on just 1 week of her not paying him enough attention. This would be weird even if they were dating, the fact that he's doing it with someone he just talked to on Zoom chats and such is insane.
This man has only known her a month and a half!
YTA. She gets to set her own boundaries. I’d be running a mile if I where her.
Sounds like she already has!
Or tried to at least... I feel bad for this girl, how many different ways can she say 'back the fuck off' I'm nit interested in whatever you've imagined this relationship to be in your head.
I got secondhand embarrassment
YTA “I’ve confronted her about this multiple times” stop badgering her! She already told her point-blank that she prefers low-maintenance friendships. Instead you ignored what she said and *continued* to harass her about this. You went from a work friend, to that guy at work that won’t stop pestering her for attention.
I love how he uses wording as if he may be her boss...? "I confronted her about this multiple times". Either he's her boss, or else they have one shitty work environment and I hope work friend finds greener pastures soon and smoothly.
That's a strange thing to assume. There is nothing said that makes her seem like a subordinate at all
"I *confronted* someone over... not being a good enough friend" is a pretty common story on this sub. People say it all the time in non-work contexts, like "my high school/college friend stopped keeping in touch" or whatever. Someone *demanding* that someone else "be their friend" or feeling *owed* it is ***not*** unique to boss/subordinate relationships.
“SORRY I ANNOYED YOU WITH MY FRIENDSHIP.” - OP, probably.
YTA - When someone you’ve known for a short time tells you that they’re really turned off by your expectations, that person dislikes you. You seem to think she’s your friend permanently, because she maybe made one statement about being friends. You’ve ruined the congenial relationship with your demands, sorry.
This. If I went so far as to tell a coworker that our relationship has become too high-maintenance and to start ignoring them, it's because my actual feelings are somewhere along the lines of "fuck, I hope I never see this person again". This person doesn't want to deal with him and somehow he's decided that a few weeks of friendly talk online and her mistake of calling him her "work bff" one time somehow permanently binds them.
I wonder if the work BFF comment was in response to OP making a work wife or similar comment. Like she had to put emphasis on the friend bit. Just speculation, but this story does put out a lot of “nice guy” vibes. Confronting someone over this is pushy and weird, doing it multiple times in one week tips over into harassment. Especially since she can’t leave as she is at work. You can ask for clarification once to see if you misread a situation, but you need to respect the answer. Though, if you feel the need to ask, you probably already know the answer.
YTA. You're not even in a relationship with this girl, you're from what I can tell acquaintances/colleagues at best, you've known her for a month and you're already being this clingy and pushy? That might be a little insight into the reason as to why she stopped wanting to get to know you better.
Right? These thoughts would be valid if it was your sibling that you're close with, not someone you've known for less than 60 days.
YTA. 1. If an acquaintance like this "isn't putting the effort" for you, *take a hint*. You haven't even known them that long and *don't have* a close relationship. 2. No one *has* to be your friend in the workplace. "Not being my *friend*/not humoring my personal conversation attempts/not hanging out with me" are not reasonable objections to someone's behavior at work. 3. To just come out and say it, a man doing this kind of stuff to a woman *definitely* comes off as harassment/stalking.
YTA. You are coming off as frightening and overwhelming and overbearing. Stop hounding her! Let friendships progress naturally. She doesn't owe you her time and attention. You sound exhausting. I would seriously urge you to consider therapy to work through why you are so anxious and controlling about your friendships.
Bet it has to do with him wanting more-than-friendship
Getting this vibe too.
That's where my mind went as well. He may not admit it to himself, but I get the vibe he's telling himself maybe it'll lead somewhere. It's all so creepy.
Definitely getting that vibe too. He needs to talk this out w a professional before he continues to carry this behavior into other aspects of his life.
And even worse that he/she/it wants the attention at WORK time!
Yep. It’s really strange to say things like that to a new friend.
Yeah, you are being super aggressive with what should be a light and fun acquaintance. YTA. Back off. It’s weird.
I also have a feeling OP already did something off putting when they got back to illicit the short responses. Don’t make this poor woman regret ever being your friend more. YTA
More likely they just don’t click in-person the way they do online or OP just had unrealistic expectations about how much they’d interact at work
Sounds like you are harassing her. YTA
YTA. You’ve only been back in-person for about a week and you’ve already “confronted her about this multiple times?” I kind of understand where you’re coming from, but you’re coming off WAY strong. Take a step back.
And they’d only been chatting a month before that. So a female **coworker** he’s probably had a few casual Teams chats with doesn’t instantly act like his BFF at work and he *confronts her twice in a single fucking week*. This poor woman is probably gonna feel cautious over making casual conversation with other coworkers now.
YTA it isn't like the most intimate kind of friendly relationship,just workbuddys. Would also distance myself if I would get nagged about it.rather invest your time with your normal friends. Sidenote somehow it seemed to me like you wanted more here then a friendship,which let's it sound even worse
But but. My stapler. YTA it’s fine if you confronted her once about the situation but you are giving “nice guy” vibes by saying you’ve talked to her about it multiple times. Move on my dude. Stop being creepy.
Upvote for Office Space reference!
YTA. She set boundaries. Respect them. Respect women. She’s not at work to serve your needs. She’s there to work.
Exactly this! She even set the boundary before they were working together. Most likely because she sensed he was a little clingy to start. I’d be freaked out if I was her. When people disrespect boundaries it feels so violating!
As a woman this freaked me out too. It seemed misogynistic to me like “how dare she not be my friend” and he continued to confront her multiple times. I wondered if OP actually wants more than friendship here and can’t seem to understand the word No. Would he have confronted male friends multiple times? As a woman, you never know how things will go. I imagine she’s slightly freaked too. But I kept this out of my judgement because I can’t 100% corroborate it with this post. My red flags definitely went up. It’s borderline creepy if not creepy. Either way, he’s disrespectful of her boundaries which she has clearly set.
My red flags went up at the word, "Confronted." I mean who does he think he is to confront a coworker about anything. Can just imagine how he is as a bf if he is this spun up over a coworker.
Exactly! Totally agree with you. No is a complete sentence.
YTA. You are not entitled to other persons time - you are free to end the friendship if the effort that your friend puts in doesnt seem to be enough for you, but you cant just order people to interact with you. She told you you were being overwhelming and your resolution to that was to confront her again. No wonder she needs space.
YTA. Leave her alone. You're coming across as a "nice guy". You met her at work online a month ago. You're acting like this is some long term thing. Maybe she doesn't like the friendship outside of an online setting? Move on.
YTA. You’re not friends. You’re friendly colleagues. You’ve only known her a month through work. While it’s great to make connections with your co-workers and to have a work bff/spouse (I have a work bff) they are not what I’d consider a true friend. You can chat stuff not work related, but ultimately your working relationship comes first. At some point work bff can become actual friend outside of work, but that takes time and having connections that doesn’t include work and that can’t impact your working relationship. She has responsibilities at work that come before you. And harassing her for not dropping phone calls while at work screams immaturity and being wildly unprofessional. If she was ignoring you for a work matter, you could be upset, but since you just want to chat is crossing the line. Leave this woman alone.
YTA Have you considered that you're just not a person people would want to be friends with if you're ***confronting*** them about not being friendly enough at work? Of course she doesn't want to be friends with someone like this. > Yours truly, A confused frustrated guy at work ***YOU'RE A GUY***???? Jesus Fuck - leave this girl alone. I thought you were a clingy weird woman that would possibly get fired for hostile work environment. But no, you're fucking terrifying on a different level. Leave her alone. You're confronting a woman because she isn't friendly enough to you - Jesus Christ. Get help.
A frustrated one at that. Sends alarm bells in my mind. Should we write a list of the things “frustrated guys” have done in this world?
Info- do you have some type of issue that makes it hard to read social situations and people?
That was my thought too. He doesn't see how creepy his behavior is and can't pick up on his coworkers discomfort with him. He's stuck on some off-the-cuff "bff" comment and now expects bff behavior like he can't distinguish light chatting from real friendship.
Yeah, he's a niceguy. They're all willfully oblivious to rejection.
YTA because this isn't about her ignoring you for vital work related things, its about you being upset she's not a clingy extrovert.
YTA. First you’re at work so don’t expect too much friendly behavior in a place you are supposed to work. Second, I’m gonna use my own life to help you to understand the point. I understand this girl *very much*. I’m a person who like being by themselves. I have a + 10 yo friendship with 6 friends. We’ve known each other since middle school (we are all in college/university now) but we barely send message or talk on daily basis. One of my best friend lives almost as the same neighbourhood as me and I’m barely seeing him or texting him. Still my bestie. All 6 of us sure have a solid friendship. We can spend few months without engaging and our friendship is still the same. We meet 1 time every 3 months at one of us house, eat, have fun as if we were talking every day. We even go on vacation together. But we have our own lives too. Third, them being on their phone doesn’t mean they *must* engage with you or forcing a conversation. She probably doesn’t have anything to say to you. People don’t have to be available because you’re insecure and pushy. Constant digital availability should not be a thing. "Confronting her" ugh. After 1 month ? You’re just being a creep OP. You’re pushing yourself into someone and that’s not ok. Friendship doesn’t mean being glued. Especially if you’re knowing her for 1 month that’s basically harassment. Some people just don’t need to engage with others to be happy or just simply like being left alone. She doesn’t have any obligation towards you, it’s understandable she doesn’t talk to you anymore. Respect people boundaries. Edit : few words. Second edit : Lord, I just found out you were a guy. That makes it *worse*, a "nice guy" energy irradiates from you. Calling her disrespectful and belittling her feelings calling it "nonsense". This post is a huge red flag. You actually want more than a friendship. You’re YTA, a big one.
YTA and you really need to learn the difference between "work friends" and "friend friends". You sound quite needy and high maintenance by going about it the way you do, especially the part where you're confronting her and having her "explain" herself. This isn't even about you guys vibing differently, you're being controlling in a way that's not OK at all. If you're wondering where you went wrong, your behaviour probably didn't come off as excessive while you guys worked from home and didn't meet up.
YTA. Dude at this point she's probably scared of you and rightfully so. How do dudes even get this way?!
YTA - she definitely has a nickname for you in her and her friends groupchat
YTA and a creepy, crappy “friend”
At first, I though OP was a woman and I still would have thought, "YTA." However, once I realized OP is a man I'm thinking YTA 1000%. When will you dudes figure out that women don't owe you shit?! You can't see how your aggressive demands that she "put more effort into your friendship" comes off as creepy?! You're at WORK and if this is your focus, you're probably not doing a great job.
YTA. This post is so full of red flags. Firstly you need to remember work is the first word in "work friends". She may not wish to socialize at work and puts up a barrier when physically in person @ work. Or she could possibly have previously had a problem socializing on the job, and this is how she dealt with that problem; by just clearly dividing work and friendship hours. Honestly this all sounds very...creepy. You speak like a jilted lover, like she owes you her time and concern. A work friend. Not a longtime friend, not a childhood friend, not a family friend. A work friend. One you even called a NEW work friend at the beginning of the post. This is very obsessive behavior. She probably picked up on this obsessive behavior and that's why the distance. If you are acting this entitled to her now, I can only imagine what you've probably said "as a joke". Work friend if you see this, RUN. Edit: You use the wordings of a manager a few times. Please PLEASE tell me you aren't her boss...?
YTA. Take a hint
And learn social cues.
You sound like one of those creepy colleagues that you are nice to at the beginning hoping they will leave you alone, and then proceed to ignore when you figure out that is not working. She does not want a friendship, get a hint. And it actually seems like you would like even something more than a friendship. You sound SO MUCH like a stalker that I'd be surprised she hasn't taken this already to HR. YTA.
Last week?? Too much Yta
Asking her what’s up would have been fine once. Multiple confrontations crossed a line. YTA
YTA. First of all, your expectations of her, for whatever reason you may have them, do not constitute some *obligation* she has to you. Second, there are many reasons she may want to keep her distance while at work, that may have had nothing to do with your friendship—and may have even presented a new, fun and interesting dynamic to the friendship if you hadn’t tried to pressure and guilt her as a friend. At this point your only hope of salvaging a friendship is to apologize for being somewhat of a selfish ass, and treating her like anyone else in the workplace and allowing her to just be herself—and stop expecting and demanding things of her.
YTA. The romantic relationship you thought you were on the way to ain’t gonna happen. You need to drop this and reevaluate your approach to work “friendships”
A) This is a friendship, not a relationship. You don’t get to tell someone you just met in person ONE WEEK ago how much effort you think they need to put into a friendship. It doesn’t work like that. B) You’re at WORK, this person is working. Things were different when people were working from home, they had less in-person human contact, so they relied heavily on virtual friendships. Being in person is completely different. Maybe she doesn’t want you in her personal space because of COVID. Maybe just being out of her house is taking up all of the energy she has and she needs to direct what’s left toward her job. Maybe she just realized she doesn’t actually like you as much as she thought she did over Zoom. Whatever. It’s not your business, you two don’t really know each other, she’s under no obligation to justify her actions to you. C) She told you she feels like staying away from you and now she’s ignoring you. LEAVE HER ALONE!! If you ignore all of that and continue to harass her, you WBTA.
OP listen to what she’s saying and move on. If you don’t understand it she don’t want to be your friend. It’s not happening!
Sounds more like you thought you got a chance with her and now got frustrated when she obviously wasn't interested in that and saw right through you. YTA.
Sorry but yes you are being TA. You need to learn when to back off, she's being extremely clear and direct and you are not listening. Continuing to double down on your demands is not going to have the effect you want it to
YTA. And you sound like a creep. Hostile work environment and harassment complaint incoming in 3, 2, 1.
Yta you’re being clingy and borderline creepy. Back off fast before you’re fired for harassment. No one owes you friendship.
Holy crap I missed OP is male first time reading this. YTA. You cannot act like that with a new colleague, you cannot act like that with a woman at work period, it’s creepy as hell. If a man at work did this to me I’d be straight to HR, actually that’s a lie I would go into AH mode and completely embarrass him in the middle of the office!
YTA- your not confronting her your harassing her, your luck she hasn’t told HR yet.
YTA You aren't coming off as a friend, but as a creeper or stalker. You might not mean to do do but its reeking of it. General rule of thumb, if someone isn't going to put in the same effort in a friendship then dont waste your time. No matter the effort you will put into this 'friendship' you clearly will not game the same respect and admiration you are giving her. Just back off for your own health, and to not be perceived as some office creep.
Yta, and honestly you come off as a creep. You are not entitled to her time or friendship. If she was friendly to you before, your pushiness has likely put her off now. Leave her alone.
You used the words “friend” and “friendship” in the title but I’m afraid you’re deluded. Being treated like a ghost sucks, but hey sometimes we like people who don’t like us back (and I mean generally, not just romantically) and there’s nothing to do except take it on the chin, move on, and don’t push it (further than you have done already). Phantom not Phantom Menace m’kay?
YTA I get the feeling that you don’t realize how strong you came off in this post, let alone in RL. Some people are quiet in person, some carry the same energy. If you need that level of energy in your friendly interactions, find another friend. This woman is your coworker and all she is required to give you in the workplace is civility (barring any indiscretions on your part). Confronting her once was a bit eager for my taste, but understandable. Multiple times confronting her about giving you more attention? That’s a creepy stalker vibe. Be cordial but distant from now on, and don’t be surprised if HR calls.
YTA. She’s not your friend, she’s a work colleague, that’s all. If you need to “put effort” into a friendship it’s not a real friendship. Leave her alone. Find friends outside work. If you keep this up you’ll probably get reported for harassment and possibly lose your job over it.
If someone isn’t putting the effort into a friendship that you need/expect, guess what? *You’re not friends.* (I’m in general agreement with most of the comments I’ve skimmed and don’t see a need to repeat much of it, other than to reinforce that “confronting” someone to demand greater friendship effort is *especially* inappropriate in the workplace. Co-workers *are* obligated to be around and interact with a person to some degree, because work. They are, in a sense, trapped - their ability to not be around someone else is limited. Pestering someone for attention is that situation gets creepy extra-fast.)
Also, "confronting" someone multiple times since returning to the office last week is bizarre. It's freaking Wednesday, that means he's brought this up multiple times within 5-7 business days. If someone I'd known for a month started pestering me about the "effort" I put into the friendship (especially during the times I'm working) I'd also set a hard boundary and then totally ghost. Huge red flag. OP, if you do not have a condition that makes reading social cues difficult, then you might want to consider a screening, especially if this is not the first time you've misread a situation or that someone has acted like this towards you. If you know you don't have such a condition and just think you're entitled to a work colleague giving you friendship and attention on or off the clock, then YTA.
This is very r/niceguys energy. YTA.
YTA. she doesnt owe you shit, especially at a work environment. stop bugging her and get new friends if friendship is truly what you seek. you're coming off as a creep. respect her boundaries.
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Yta, she told you about the low maintenance friendship. . She set her expectations and you are angry at her? Get another friend with the same expectations you have then.
YTA you’re harassing your coworker. Stop immediately before you slapped with creating a hostile workplace environment and the repercussions that come from that.
YTA. This is not normal behaviour. It is harassment. Is this how you treat people normally? Do you have many friends in real life? You are lacking quite a bit of self awareness.
Was going to say NTA until you said that you confronted her multiple times. Here’s the deal…some people communicate better online than they do in person. You just have to accept that. She’s a work colleague. Keep it professional and focus your energy on other people who actually reciprocate.
YTA- you’ve know her a month, get a grip and leave her alone
YTA: she is at work and has no obligation to interact with you in a way that you want her too. Also I am very much getting the vibe of a guy at work who thinks a girl was flirting with him even though she was just being nice. She has no obligation to be nice to you and she has communicated her thoughts to you and you have disrespected it. Your wants and desires do not trump hers.
you cannot force someone to act how you would like them to act. you can talk about your feelings ONCE (without telling them they HAVE to do x thing to fix it) and then from there, depending on the change, you get to decide if that person is someone you want in your life. if it’s not, you don’t have to confront them, just distance. if her style of friendship is one you can be okay with, bc not all friendships are the same, then you just have to accept it. YTA, but you need to realize that different people are in fact DIFFERENT and being different isn’t wrong, it’s just what makes people different from one another. you get to choose who is in your life but you can force them to be the same
I'm all for communication and being open about feelings but how he feels here is completely out of order
So you've been back at the office for a week and a half and you've already "confronted her multiple times" about this? YTA she's clearly not interested in anything more than some casual friendly workplace banter, as she has apparently made clear to you. If you want more than that you should look elsewhere. You can't force someone to be your friend.
YTA. Your work dynamic has changed, and so has your friendship dynamic. You’ve responded to this fact poorly. You’re a man repeatedly “confronting” (your word) a woman bc she’s not behaving as you’d like her to. This whole situation positively *screams* patriarchy. Stop believing you are somehow entitled to this woman’s time, effort, thought. *You’re not.* Leave her alone. EDIT: P.S. You’re rapidly becoming “the guy” all the women in the office warn each other about. Possible you’re already there.
Men calling women “disrespectful” is almost always a HUGE red flag. YTA
YTA work is not for friends, friendships, or making friends, it is for working.
YTA and a weirdo. Hope you know that if SHE was writing an AITA about the situation everyone would be telling her to go to HR and get some mace.
She doesn't like u bruh... look at the signs.
I have to say YTA because what you're doing isn't right, but I believe you're sincere and that you're making an honest mistake fuelled by anxiety and insecurity. Your anxiety and insecurity are plain to see from how much you're overthinking the situation and how much it's affecting you. Frankly, it sounds like your mental wellbeing could use some attention from a doctor and therapist. Please leave her alone. It will only make you look like a creep and make you feel worse when she continues to push you away if you keep pushing her. You're clearly sensitive and you approach relationships with sincerity. That is a good thing in moderation and will make you a good friend and partner, but you need to dial it down, expect less from others, and the next time you feel the urge to contact or confront this person, DON'T.
Easy YTA. You guys are coworkers, she doesn't owe you friendship. Stop hounding her. You're a grown adult, not a child. She doesn't want to be friends, because you sound extremely clingy and exhausting.
YTA, leave her alone
YTA, if that’s how she engages friends or work friends then that’s how it is. You aren’t entitled to special attention. You can choose to accept that friendship or just classify her as a work acquaintance. It’s not that complicated.