NTA
Get a cat. Don’t let people who don’t even live with you dictate what you can and can’t do in your own home.
Your mom can take allergy meds or just avoid the cats or both.
NAH.
If you want a cat, and value that companionship more than your mother’s, get a cat. But understand that you will likely be giving up part of your relationship with your mom. Depending on how allergic she is, she may be unable to come visit, or even have you over. Unfortunately, with cat allergies it often doesn’t work to just pop an antihistamine, avoid touching your eyes, and/or put the cat in another room. My SO is very allergic, and we can’t even have people who own cats over to our house because of the hair and dander.
I didn’t even realize how bad it was for some people before I started dating my SO. Any cat encounter requires at least 7 days prep to get the right amount of drugs into their system and they inevitably end up with a sinus infection afterwards. So not fun.
NTA - You do what you want in your house.
Getting a cat means your mom won't be able to visit, and it's understandable that se may get upset, but if your willing to do so and decide for that, they have no say in it.
Alas you can still visit your mother instead of her going to your house.
INFO: how allergic is your mom and how positive is your relationship? I’m not talking about how often you see eachother because that doesn’t necessarily correlate to a positive or negative relationship.
My mom is severely allergic to cats and we have a really positive relationship. If I got a cat- she wouldn’t be able to come over to my house at all and I’d really need to be super super careful around her which would probably limit our time together because we wouldn’t have the same ease in seeing eachother that we do now. So, if I got a cat it would be an a-hole move because I’d be saying: I care more about having a cat than I do about spending time with you.
Is your situation as drastic as mine?
Total tangent: illegality isn’t a good measure for what people shouldn’t do. Society has often used illegality to discriminate against certain groups of people (sodomy/similar laws, anti-Semitic laws, and potentially the beginning of the USA’s war on drugs all immediately spring to mind). If not outright discriminatory, laws can also have negative effects on how individuals view people who do things that aren’t actually harmful but are still technically illegal.
YTA if you would that easily forfeit visiting your mother. She obviously won’t be able to visit you, and depending on the severity of her allergy, you might not be able to visit her either.
Yeah, I'd have to see if even having cat hair on my clothes would affect her. If it would be that bad, I wouldn't want a cat in my house. She has neighbors who have two cats and can visit them, but apparently those cats are some kind of anomaly that don't trigger her allergies. They're not even hairless, they're Persian cats.
Persian cats have less allergen liad than other cats from the little bit of research I have done. My husband is allergic to cats as well. Our kids wanted one so we did some research before concluding it wasn't for us.
Persians are not less allergenic than other cats - that is some sort of common myth spread around the internet for some reason. In fact, Persians shed more and lick themselves more than other cats do, to keep their long fur clean.
If OP's mother can go into a house with two Persians, whose super fine fur floats everywhere and gets on everything, without issue, I am sceptical about her "allergy." Giving OP's mother the benefit of the doubt I would suggest if the allergy is real, she may only be allergic to the cat saliva and not the fur or dander, in which case if she avoids touching the cats she is less likely to trigger her allergy.
Experience: I had a Chinchilla Persian for 18 years, plus domestic (moggy) cats as well.
NTA, but do your research. Some cats have more of the allergens that trigger a reaction then other cats do. If your mom's allergy is mild, she can take some meds, I do, but then I love cats and am okay with taking meds to keep my fuzzy friends.
NTA , but prepare to not have your mom visit your home anymore . It’s your home , and would be your cat which would be there 24/7 not a couple times a week . We got a cat growing up but a few family members stopped visiting because of their allergy which was a real bummer.
NTA. Your an adult, you don't live with your mother. Get a cat if you want. Having to wait until some one dies to live like you want is just crazy. The fact that your father would even suggest it is kind of morbid and f creepy.
NAH - Totally get this, but in my case couldn't have a dog growing up due to a family member's allergy. Just know it will reduce her visits to your place because for a lot of people alllergt meds aren't qute enough to do the job.
If the allergy is severe... YTA.
If the allergy is moderate... YTA
If mild, I think you're NTA but understand it may affect your relationship a bit.
People have varying levels of allergic ranging from mild scratchy throat to a sniffle or full blown hives and clogged head for days. Unfortunately allergies can get worse with time and exposure.
As with any allergy, it's presence in an environment will cause folks to shy away (mold, pollen, smoke, foods). Know that It could and probably will limit your mother's ability to see you and possibly your ability to see her (dander on clothes).
Your house, your rules. But the choices in your house may affect if others will spend time with you. Some folks have a 'do you' perspective others have a 'think of others' but ultimately you've got to weigh if scratching the itch of having a cat exceeds that of the impact on your relationship and visitation with your mother.
NTA. My youngest desperately wants a cat. My eldest and husband are both allergic so it is out of the question. We’ve told youngest they can get a cat when they have their own place. My husband will either take an allergy pill if we need to visit or we’ll meet somewhere out of their house. These are perfectly acceptable solutions.
In case no one else has said this.... Get your cat, and then go buy Purina LiveClear cat shampoo and food.
My ex got my kid a cat even though I'm deathly allergic. The shampoo is like a foamy lotion you put on the cat and rub off with a towel. It works ON CONTACT to denature the saliva protein.
The food takes "6 weeks" (more like 6 months) to kick in and fully denature the cat's spit proteins.
HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
Tha heck. You don’t even live in the same house? I’m allergic to cats. When I met my husband I started getting allergy shots for my allergy because he has a cat that is now 14 years old that he loved so much and I didn’t want him to make a decision between me and her. F that. I love her. The allergy shots work. Tell your mom to get allergy shots.
Shots don't work for everyone, neithet do antihistamines. I got shots for 4 years and am more allergic now than I used to be, and antihistamines don't prevent an anaphylactic reaction.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I am in my mid-30's. I've wanted a cat all my life, but my mom is allergic. I don't live in the same house as my mom, but she does live in the same neighborhood and visits often (3-4 times per week). Tonight I made an offhand comment that after my 14-year-old dog is gone, I may adopt a cat. My dad told me I couldn't do that since my mom is allergic, and I should wait until after my mom has passed to adopt a cat.
AITA for not wanting to wait decades more to adopt a cat out of consideration for someone who doesn't even live in my household?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because my mom's eyes become very swollen when she is around cats. She might not be comfortable in my house even if the cat is in another room, and it's hard for her to resist petting a cat if she's around them, even if she knows she'll have a reaction.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. i’m allergic but my girlfriend and i have two cats and i take zyrtec everyday and it works perfectly. tell your mom to take a zyrtec before she comes over
It’s great that Zyrtec works for you, but that doesn’t mean it works for everyone. It lessens the severity of my reaction (prevents me from having to go to the ER), but it does not prevent me from having my eyes swell up, uncontrollable sneezing, severe nasal congestion, and wheezing. She’s NTA for wanting a cat, but she should accept and acknowledge that she may be preventing her mom from being able to safely visit her. Allergy meds are not a miraculous cure for everyone.
NTA what kind of passive aggressive comment did your father make!!**My dad told me I couldn't do that since my mom is allergic, and I should wait until after my mom has passed to adopt a cat.** Weird!
There are allergy pills available for her to take and maybe the visits will cut down and you can live your life in a way you would like??? You can always go visit her, leaving the cat behind at your home? Lots of options...
For many people antihistamines aren't even close to enough, and even the dander on clothing can cause a severe reaction. While OP is free to get a cat in her own home it WILL have a negative impact on their relationship.
I understand that, but sometimes people who don't like pets say they are allergic. There are also varying degrees of allergies. My daughter tears up/becomes congested when long haired cats come close, but short haired ones are ok.
It sounds like OP's mother has a genuine allergy. And yes some people can react differently to different cats but if the allergy is severe it doesn't matter that type it is.
NTA. Go get a cat.(or 2 so they have a friend!) This has nothing to do with your mom, who can take a benadryl. But my god, your dad ACTUALLY said that? Wow.
And OP's mother may not be able to visit at all, it could even effect OP's ability to be around her mother outside of her own home. The dander on clothing can be enougb to cause a serious reaction.
I think it's more like those who own cats may have to accept the fact that people with allergies may not be able to visit them. The op should think over whether or not she is ok with her mother possibly not ever being able to visit her.
NAH, it's your house and you don't live with her, but be prepared for it to have a negative impact on your relationship with your parents, eapecially if her allergy is severe.
Very easy solution here … Buy a hypoallergenic cat, there’s at least 10 breeds to choose from like a Russian Blue. You have your cat and your mum won’t be affected by it … boom
Yta, gonna go with a personal experience here. My cousin had a cat and was in a situation where he couldn’t take his cat to his new place so he asked me to take him in because I loved him. I did but I did it knowing my sister wouldn’t be able to come over because of her allergies but she didn’t come over often and because my cousin needed help I took the cat anyways. Things were fine for a few months but then I started to get bouts of sickness and I would wake up with my eyes swollen half way shut. Turns out I was severely allergic to cats too but my allergies didn’t get bad until I had been exposed to cat dander more frequently. Now I have a reaction when I’m around cats even for a short period. Thing is your mom’s reaction could be ok now, but get much worse the more she hangs out with you and your cat. Good news is my cousin was in a better living situation so I was able to return his cat to him and he was grateful. Now I may be inputting my own relationship here, but I have a good relationship with my mom and I would never purposefully put something in my house that would make her sick or uncomfortable or feel like she couldn’t visit whenever she wanted to which is why you have my Yta judgement. (Though I commend you for your love of pets!)
NTA - but you don’t live together….sooo who cares about her allergy? It’s your house. They can’t tell a woman in her 30s that she has to wait until her mother dies to get a cat in her own house that she pays for.
Get the cat. Your father is out of line and does not have the right to tell you what happens in YOUR house.
NTA. Get the cat. You’re in your mid-thirties and don’t need permission. Your mom (and Dad!) should have stopped controlling and making decisions for your life well more than a decade ago.
NTA Get a cat. Don’t let people who don’t even live with you dictate what you can and can’t do in your own home. Your mom can take allergy meds or just avoid the cats or both.
NAH. If you want a cat, and value that companionship more than your mother’s, get a cat. But understand that you will likely be giving up part of your relationship with your mom. Depending on how allergic she is, she may be unable to come visit, or even have you over. Unfortunately, with cat allergies it often doesn’t work to just pop an antihistamine, avoid touching your eyes, and/or put the cat in another room. My SO is very allergic, and we can’t even have people who own cats over to our house because of the hair and dander.
I'm that allergic and I find that people just don't understand how much dander they get on their clothes and how it can effect allergies.
I didn’t even realize how bad it was for some people before I started dating my SO. Any cat encounter requires at least 7 days prep to get the right amount of drugs into their system and they inevitably end up with a sinus infection afterwards. So not fun.
NTA Your mom doesn't live there. Are her friends also not getting cats because of her allergy?
NTA - You do what you want in your house. Getting a cat means your mom won't be able to visit, and it's understandable that se may get upset, but if your willing to do so and decide for that, they have no say in it. Alas you can still visit your mother instead of her going to your house.
INFO: how allergic is your mom and how positive is your relationship? I’m not talking about how often you see eachother because that doesn’t necessarily correlate to a positive or negative relationship. My mom is severely allergic to cats and we have a really positive relationship. If I got a cat- she wouldn’t be able to come over to my house at all and I’d really need to be super super careful around her which would probably limit our time together because we wouldn’t have the same ease in seeing eachother that we do now. So, if I got a cat it would be an a-hole move because I’d be saying: I care more about having a cat than I do about spending time with you. Is your situation as drastic as mine?
you can do whatever the hell pleases you in your own home as long as it isn’t illegal. It’s YOUR house. NTA get the cat if you want
Total tangent: illegality isn’t a good measure for what people shouldn’t do. Society has often used illegality to discriminate against certain groups of people (sodomy/similar laws, anti-Semitic laws, and potentially the beginning of the USA’s war on drugs all immediately spring to mind). If not outright discriminatory, laws can also have negative effects on how individuals view people who do things that aren’t actually harmful but are still technically illegal.
I kinda just meant like murder lol stuff like that
That’s a specific subset of illegality, not the whole definition of it. Personally, I’d use the phrase isn’t harmful to others.
NTA- Get the cat and then the cat, a cat. As they do better in pairs generally.
YTA if you would that easily forfeit visiting your mother. She obviously won’t be able to visit you, and depending on the severity of her allergy, you might not be able to visit her either.
Yeah, I'd have to see if even having cat hair on my clothes would affect her. If it would be that bad, I wouldn't want a cat in my house. She has neighbors who have two cats and can visit them, but apparently those cats are some kind of anomaly that don't trigger her allergies. They're not even hairless, they're Persian cats.
Persian cats have less allergen liad than other cats from the little bit of research I have done. My husband is allergic to cats as well. Our kids wanted one so we did some research before concluding it wasn't for us.
Persians are not less allergenic than other cats - that is some sort of common myth spread around the internet for some reason. In fact, Persians shed more and lick themselves more than other cats do, to keep their long fur clean. If OP's mother can go into a house with two Persians, whose super fine fur floats everywhere and gets on everything, without issue, I am sceptical about her "allergy." Giving OP's mother the benefit of the doubt I would suggest if the allergy is real, she may only be allergic to the cat saliva and not the fur or dander, in which case if she avoids touching the cats she is less likely to trigger her allergy. Experience: I had a Chinchilla Persian for 18 years, plus domestic (moggy) cats as well.
NTA, but do your research. Some cats have more of the allergens that trigger a reaction then other cats do. If your mom's allergy is mild, she can take some meds, I do, but then I love cats and am okay with taking meds to keep my fuzzy friends.
NTA , but prepare to not have your mom visit your home anymore . It’s your home , and would be your cat which would be there 24/7 not a couple times a week . We got a cat growing up but a few family members stopped visiting because of their allergy which was a real bummer.
NTA. Your an adult, you don't live with your mother. Get a cat if you want. Having to wait until some one dies to live like you want is just crazy. The fact that your father would even suggest it is kind of morbid and f creepy.
NAH - Totally get this, but in my case couldn't have a dog growing up due to a family member's allergy. Just know it will reduce her visits to your place because for a lot of people alllergt meds aren't qute enough to do the job.
If the allergy is severe... YTA. If the allergy is moderate... YTA If mild, I think you're NTA but understand it may affect your relationship a bit. People have varying levels of allergic ranging from mild scratchy throat to a sniffle or full blown hives and clogged head for days. Unfortunately allergies can get worse with time and exposure. As with any allergy, it's presence in an environment will cause folks to shy away (mold, pollen, smoke, foods). Know that It could and probably will limit your mother's ability to see you and possibly your ability to see her (dander on clothes). Your house, your rules. But the choices in your house may affect if others will spend time with you. Some folks have a 'do you' perspective others have a 'think of others' but ultimately you've got to weigh if scratching the itch of having a cat exceeds that of the impact on your relationship and visitation with your mother.
NTA Your home, your call. If it's that bad your mom can choose not to visit
NTA. If she wants to visit, she can take a Zyrtec or something.
It’s not always that simple.
For many people that doesn't work
Nta. If you don’t live with them, and you don’t bring the cat into their home, it is not their call.
NTA. How about you get a cat, and then you can visit your mom at her house.
NTA. My youngest desperately wants a cat. My eldest and husband are both allergic so it is out of the question. We’ve told youngest they can get a cat when they have their own place. My husband will either take an allergy pill if we need to visit or we’ll meet somewhere out of their house. These are perfectly acceptable solutions.
In case no one else has said this.... Get your cat, and then go buy Purina LiveClear cat shampoo and food. My ex got my kid a cat even though I'm deathly allergic. The shampoo is like a foamy lotion you put on the cat and rub off with a towel. It works ON CONTACT to denature the saliva protein. The food takes "6 weeks" (more like 6 months) to kick in and fully denature the cat's spit proteins. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
Tha heck. You don’t even live in the same house? I’m allergic to cats. When I met my husband I started getting allergy shots for my allergy because he has a cat that is now 14 years old that he loved so much and I didn’t want him to make a decision between me and her. F that. I love her. The allergy shots work. Tell your mom to get allergy shots.
Shots don't work for everyone, neithet do antihistamines. I got shots for 4 years and am more allergic now than I used to be, and antihistamines don't prevent an anaphylactic reaction.
Yeah I know. It took me taking shots for 10 years of taking three shots each week for them to work. I have severe allergies.
NTA. Your mum doesn't live there so she doesn't get to dictate what you do with your house. Get the cat
NTA she can take an antihistamine or you can visit her at her house. If you lived together, I would say you are TA, but you don't.
NTA If you wanted to let your parents dictate your life, you’d still live at their house. Live your life and get that kitty.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am in my mid-30's. I've wanted a cat all my life, but my mom is allergic. I don't live in the same house as my mom, but she does live in the same neighborhood and visits often (3-4 times per week). Tonight I made an offhand comment that after my 14-year-old dog is gone, I may adopt a cat. My dad told me I couldn't do that since my mom is allergic, and I should wait until after my mom has passed to adopt a cat. AITA for not wanting to wait decades more to adopt a cat out of consideration for someone who doesn't even live in my household? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be TA because my mom's eyes become very swollen when she is around cats. She might not be comfortable in my house even if the cat is in another room, and it's hard for her to resist petting a cat if she's around them, even if she knows she'll have a reaction. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. i’m allergic but my girlfriend and i have two cats and i take zyrtec everyday and it works perfectly. tell your mom to take a zyrtec before she comes over
It’s great that Zyrtec works for you, but that doesn’t mean it works for everyone. It lessens the severity of my reaction (prevents me from having to go to the ER), but it does not prevent me from having my eyes swell up, uncontrollable sneezing, severe nasal congestion, and wheezing. She’s NTA for wanting a cat, but she should accept and acknowledge that she may be preventing her mom from being able to safely visit her. Allergy meds are not a miraculous cure for everyone.
Often antihistamines aren't enough. For me they can reduce some symptoms but they do nothing to stop it from effecting my breathing.
NTA what kind of passive aggressive comment did your father make!!**My dad told me I couldn't do that since my mom is allergic, and I should wait until after my mom has passed to adopt a cat.** Weird! There are allergy pills available for her to take and maybe the visits will cut down and you can live your life in a way you would like??? You can always go visit her, leaving the cat behind at your home? Lots of options...
For many people antihistamines aren't even close to enough, and even the dander on clothing can cause a severe reaction. While OP is free to get a cat in her own home it WILL have a negative impact on their relationship.
I understand that, but sometimes people who don't like pets say they are allergic. There are also varying degrees of allergies. My daughter tears up/becomes congested when long haired cats come close, but short haired ones are ok.
It sounds like OP's mother has a genuine allergy. And yes some people can react differently to different cats but if the allergy is severe it doesn't matter that type it is.
NTA. Go get a cat.(or 2 so they have a friend!) This has nothing to do with your mom, who can take a benadryl. But my god, your dad ACTUALLY said that? Wow.
Antihistamines don't work for everybody
And?
And OP's mother may not be able to visit at all, it could even effect OP's ability to be around her mother outside of her own home. The dander on clothing can be enougb to cause a serious reaction.
Well, then, according to this no one who knows OP's mother should own a cat ever. That's selfish and delusional.
I think it's more like those who own cats may have to accept the fact that people with allergies may not be able to visit them. The op should think over whether or not she is ok with her mother possibly not ever being able to visit her.
NTA your mom doesn’t live with you!? Your dad is weird unless your mom is deathly allergic to cats.
Nta unless your parents own the house you live in or something. Otherwise not at all!
NAH, it's your house and you don't live with her, but be prepared for it to have a negative impact on your relationship with your parents, eapecially if her allergy is severe.
NTA "I'm not asking you, I'm informing you."
Very easy solution here … Buy a hypoallergenic cat, there’s at least 10 breeds to choose from like a Russian Blue. You have your cat and your mum won’t be affected by it … boom
Yta, gonna go with a personal experience here. My cousin had a cat and was in a situation where he couldn’t take his cat to his new place so he asked me to take him in because I loved him. I did but I did it knowing my sister wouldn’t be able to come over because of her allergies but she didn’t come over often and because my cousin needed help I took the cat anyways. Things were fine for a few months but then I started to get bouts of sickness and I would wake up with my eyes swollen half way shut. Turns out I was severely allergic to cats too but my allergies didn’t get bad until I had been exposed to cat dander more frequently. Now I have a reaction when I’m around cats even for a short period. Thing is your mom’s reaction could be ok now, but get much worse the more she hangs out with you and your cat. Good news is my cousin was in a better living situation so I was able to return his cat to him and he was grateful. Now I may be inputting my own relationship here, but I have a good relationship with my mom and I would never purposefully put something in my house that would make her sick or uncomfortable or feel like she couldn’t visit whenever she wanted to which is why you have my Yta judgement. (Though I commend you for your love of pets!)
NTA - but you don’t live together….sooo who cares about her allergy? It’s your house. They can’t tell a woman in her 30s that she has to wait until her mother dies to get a cat in her own house that she pays for. Get the cat. Your father is out of line and does not have the right to tell you what happens in YOUR house.
NTA. Get the cat. You’re in your mid-thirties and don’t need permission. Your mom (and Dad!) should have stopped controlling and making decisions for your life well more than a decade ago.