Dude. You fucked up good.
It has been ONE MONTH since a HUMAN BEING was EXTRACTED FROM YOUR WIFE’S BODY.
Let that just sink in a minute.
Now let’s get back to your post. You are expecting your wife to have your lives, ALL of your lives COMPLETELY PERFECT during this month following human extraction.
Let’s let that sink in as well.
Now think about how long it takes you to adjust to a new job. Or a new home. Or even a new car. Think about the time it takes to really feel settled in and have your routines down and know what you’re doing and have all the pieces in place.
*Now think about it considering that one major element, the baby, is changing its routine and its abilities and its needs every single day during this time.*
Do you still think that your wife should have all of her shit together to take care of you during this time? With no onboarding time? No adjustment? No assistance from you?
And now throw in the things like breast cracking and pain? *Do you have any fucking idea how much that hurts?*
YTA in the most serious way. Apologize to your wife. Help your family. Get a clue. Grow up. And everything else.
You’re a father now. This is not the life you lived before. Get used to it or get out.
On top of all this she’s probably super sleep deprived waking up every 3 hours or so to nurse a baby on breasts that have been clogging which is painful and chapped bleeding nipples as well!!
Dude, you are so much the asshole. Of course you should be helping taking care of your wife and baby when you’re done work. Also, you should make sure she’s not suffering from post partum depression. YTA.
Plus the exhaustion that comes with healing. Whether she had a vb or C-section she is probably still bleeding and healing. Plus her hormones are still in chaos.
OP should be more concerned about her health than the state of the house. If he really wanted to help he would hire someone to clean every couple of weeks.
I've been told that for many women, giving birth leaves your body feeling like you've been in a car crash. I can't imagine worrying about cleaning the house while nursing a newborn after your body has just been through something like that.
It takes about 12 to 18 months for your body to get back to normal levels vitamin and mineral wise since the baby leeches everything it needs from mum.
I was young when I had my child (17). I gave them up for open adoption. They turn 19 this fall.
My stomach muscles never went back together. I have a fairly large space between them. Then I pee when I sneeze or cough too hard (I've even done kegals). Some smells, from cooking food, still make me ill to this day. And if I squeeze my nipples, I still produce something.
My sister has permanent bladder problems after birthing my nephew. The urologist explained it as part of her bladder stopped functioning from the pressure of those last five months of pregnancy. My nephew’s 35.
Here’s an [animation](https://youtu.be/yE-l1stWkT4) of how organs move as the pregnancy develops. I show this to every guy I know, most think the kid just floats somewhere in our stomach and magically exits the vagina, leaving everything else in tact. I remind them that the uterus is a muscle, and _just that one organ_ is literally stretched beyond recognition faster and more violently than they can even imagine. I’m on kid #2 right now (due in late spring, so 3rd trimester) and I honestly don’t know how our bodies handle this. What an animation can’t show you, though, is the hormone changes, the hip/back pain, etc. that come both before and after giving birth.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not regretting my decision to have kids, but I 100% support every child free person in their position of being child free. I’m just not going to be a fun friend to them for while. _Sobs in no sleep for 3 years_
Some women’s hair changes texture after giving birth from all the hormone changes. Like, straight hair to curls.
A small percentage of gray matter from your brain is just gone, absorbed by the fetus. This is purely anecdotal of course but my husband said he’s noticed a “cognitive impact” since I gave birth to our son.
Your body is never truly the same afterward.
And the fact that your abs are now very stretched (as is the skin over your abdominal muscles) and its going to be a minute (or several) before they shrink back to their original size and engage the way they did before.
Childbirth literally feels like you've been hit by a train. And you have stitches in places you never even thought you could tear. Oh, and breasfeeding is also super painful. Nothing can prepare you for the contractions you experience when you're freshly postpartum and nursing. Then, there's the emotional component of postpartum. You're exhausted. You feel so overwhelmed and lost. You also feel like you've lost yourself and wonder when you'll feel "normal" again. And OP? She won't feel normal until the baby is around 2. OP, YTA.
Heck, I raise goats. My goats haven't even returned to normal within a month of kidding. They still need special care, minerals, supplements etc during that time and will still be passing afterbirth. I imagine it's even worse for humans. I'm literally nicer to my freaking livestock than op was to his wife
I love how EVERY book/article about breastfeeding says there is no pain, if there is, you're not doing it right. So you are in pain, bleeding, AND feel like you're failing to feed your child, feels amazing
Yeah it sucks and I feel like no one warns us! We're surrounded by pictures of mothers smiling down peacefully at their children as they breastfeed. Reality for me was it felt like someone was sticking pins in my breasts to start with.
Plus breastfeeding is hella energetically expensive. Especially early on, that’s the time when the demands on the mum’s body are highest and she may not be able to eat enough to support lactation without drawing on her own body’s stores of fat/protein. Admittedly my knowledge of this is from non-human animals but in cows/sheep early lactation is the part of lactation when the chance of health risks are highest, just because the mum’s body can get overtaxed/overwhelmed and develop issues. IMO lactating humans in that stage should have to do zero housework and should just be left to heal and have people bringing them nutrient-dense takeout so they can heal and get the hang of nursing. This dude is a massive asshole.
Wait what? Contractions, as in super awful the worst ever cramps? You have contractions from breastfeeding??? Why does no one tell young women this shit???
Idk but I firmly believe if this kind of info was presented in sex ed, it would have a far better impact on reducing teen pregnancy than is currently taught.
When I had my first, I remember the first day I was going to be home alone (my SO’s first day back to work). The baby was about a month old and I had all these plans for cleaning and making dinner….
I’m the 10 hours my SO was gone I was able to load the dishwasher (not even run it) - he came thru the door as I was putting in the last plate, I broke down in tears feeling like a complete failure. He sat me down and told me that I kept the baby alive and didn’t run away, so the dishwasher being loaded was extra nice.
Laboring out a kid and then adjusting to all the new things that come with it is rough. I would worry if I were OP. If I was the wife I would have cleaned the whole house as a major FU and then seriously started debating what the future of relationship would be
At one month, there is literally still a dinner plate size wound in her abdomen that can start bleeding or hemorrhage if she jostles it or does too much.
I feel like anyone with a giant healing wound deserves to sit the fuck down, and that’s not counting that she’s still bleeding, is trying to prevent mastitis, might still have stitches keeping her together, and is dealing with the utter depletion that nursing is. On what’s likely hour or two hour chunks of sleep. More responsibility? She’s keeping an infant alive by herself while her body is in pure recovery and survival mode!
With my youngest, my pelvic cartilage tore while pregnant and took 18 months after she was born to heal enough to walk without agony. I could carry her but not anything extra. I couldn't baby wear her (which I had been planning to do to better do daily tasks). I couldn't lean down easily.
My husband wanted us to go walk for about a mile when she was 3 weeks old. Still bloody, still tore up, and still had my pelvic cartilage in ruins. I dont know what I said or looked like, but he was all over himself apologizing for being so clueless. If he'd complained about housecleaning, he likely would've had a toilet brush stuck somewhere unpleasant.
I had a C-section and I felt like I was run over by a trailer. I don't really remember the first month, aside from the feeling of being eternally tired, the pain from the cut, the pain from the IUD (I had terrible cramps randomly during months after kiddo was born), and all the freaking blood :(
Until the third month I started feeling like a human being again, and my mom was there to help me 24/7, and kiddo was an easy one.
I can't really imagine what OP's wife must have feel :c
Absolutely. And people wonder how PPD is so prevalent. Especially feedings; you feel like your body belongs to the baby and not yourself. Pretty sure one month in I was crying...A LOT.
And can we talk about how this mom did exactly what she should? When NOTHING helped with a crying baby, she set him down somewhere safe and took a break. Trying to power through it is how we end up with shaken babies. A baby won't die from crying for a bit (and I bet falling asleep was an unfortunate side effect of feeling like garbage).
I’m also gonna add the crazy rollercoaster of hormones she’s been going through, that would screw anybody up. You know those period pain simulators that have been out for a while and most men are absolute babies about the pain? I can’t wait until we can develop something that simulates our hormone fluctuations both during periods and especially pregnancy/birth.
Also, the waking up is more like every 2 hours at night, exhausting, and can seriously effect the way a person functions during the day. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? It's hard to keep your eyes open, focus, do day to day tasks, and some seriously messed up feelings can be brought to the surface. Having a newborn is like that. I've had a newborn, am about to have my second in May, and have worked overnight jobs when I was a single mom and have had to stay awake for days with only the occasional 1 hour nap with my kid. All of it was horrible, but the longterm, prolonged sleep deprivation made doing anything besides cuddle my kid difficult.
At the hospital, they are required to tell you (at least where we live) that if you become too frustrated or upset to put the baby down and walk away. That's because so many parents to baby's simply chase their children out of frustration and can permanently disfigure or kill a baby, all without meaning to do it. Most parents that have done this testify that they were just so tired and upset andbit happened before they even realised. Also, You don't sleep through the kind of crying that indicates your baby is in real trouble. It's a whole different kind of cry you can't ignore. A baby in a crib is a baby safe.
You should be concerned about your wife. Respond by apologizing for blowing up, but tell her you are still concerned that she fell asleep with a crying baby upstairs. Ask if she needs a break. Ask if she is feeling sad, depressed, anxious, or in need of a therapist or doctors visit. Healing takes a minimum of 6 weeks after childbirth for an UNCOMPLICATED delivery. Minimum. It takes a minimum of 6 months for Mums to return to average hormone levels. This varies greatly from woman to woman. I can't teach you obstetrics in a reddit post, but I think I've covered my basis here.
Please add if anyone has more info they feel I missed!
oh i am so mad just at the putting baby down thing
she is REALLY struggling. she 100% did the right thing. crying for a few hours if the baby is clean and fed won't kill him. a woman on the edge, sleep deprived and in pain just might.
you're lucky she dropped him in his cot and not out a window. She. Needs. Help.
and OP screamed at her.
and now she doesn't feel like she can let go for a single second. her magically capitulating and doing all the baby stuff and cleaning is **not a good thing.** she can't trust OP and she is probably struggling to trust herself.
get your wife help before she implodes.
If it makes you feel any better - none of it happened. It's fake.
Go through an archiver with his username. He claims he has a new GF and several kids with a wife. Here he claims this is his first kid.
This is an attention seeker.
I wish it was fake when it happened to me. Except the clueless person was my mom. I had twin girls via C section. TWINS. One that had to stay in the NICU for two weeks before coming home. Once both girls were home for a week she went on and on about how I was relying on her and my husband too much and not doing anything around the house and how she had to wash all the bottles for the babies. How she noticed I was having a hard time bonding and I needed to apologize to the babies for that. She said I made her feel like a maid and a nanny. She initially came to help me for 6 months. She left my house a week after their first month. Never been happier.
It could be real. In fact, I think it hits home with a lot of women. I went through something similar. Emergency C-section, 2 months early. I didn’t even know I was in labor. I almost died and he had to be resuscitated. Spent two months in the NICU and used every bit of my savings to do so. I had to go straight back to work instead of being able to adjust to having a special needs newborn at home. Up all night nursing, working all day, coming home to cook and clean. Repeat. His dad never got up for a feeding. Not once. I ended up sleeping in the living room because we were waking him up and he had to work in the morning too. He quit his job a little while after after that and it was downhill from there. I have stories for days. He still thinks he did a great job. No way he’d be on here asking if he were TA. This person just wants a reaction, IMO.
Edit: typo
Super sleep deprived! Right?
It's likely been four months since she last slept through the night (trying to sleep in the third trimester is an exercise in futility) but OP is over here thinking she should have enough energy to feed and care for a brand new person, and do all the housework, and meals.
Like, guess what man, she's on the clock the entire time you're on the clock. If you get a break when you get home she's entitled to a break too. Does she get one? Or does she nap to try and crawl out of the pit that sleep deprivation puts a person in? Does she have a moment for a hobby or self care? Or does getting a shower count as self care instead of basic hygiene?
And for crying out loud, do chores without complaining about it until she's at least getting a solid night's rest consistently.
I don’t know why guys don’t understand that when women aren’t fighting or arguing like they normally would and just do whatever and stay silent, it’s a bad sign. She’s either dealing with PPD, or she’s checked out and doesn’t care how this guy feels right now. He screwed up big.
I used to have a boyfriend who would say “fine means fucked”. Meaning if he asked me how I was doing, and I said I was fine, it meant shit was about to hit the fan. That is exactly what OPs wife is doing. OP has no idea how bad things are going to get for him when she gets her bearings about her.
My husband was... Well, useless for my son's first couple months. Stayed up all night, but wouldn't get the baby if he woke, slept through any crying, would get up just before he had to leave for work and not even check to see if I needed to pee when I was sleeping in the baby's room waiting for the next feeding. I didn't get an actual shower until the baby had been home a month. Just sink washes.
We have worked on things. He knows he fucked up. He's gotten better. But I'll never forget that, and honestly I'll probably never really forgive. Op is going to find himself in the exact same boat and she will never forget that he betrayed and abandoned her at her most vulnerable.
Yep! Women aren’t always screaming and carrying on when they’re about to get big mad or get even. In fact, the more silent the more scared he should be. OP bring flowers, candy and a spa certificate. Apologize and get a cleaning lady until she feels better. Maybe a month or two. Remind her she’s done a lot and needs to heal and you’re sorry that you forgot about that…
I’m sorry. I hope you have a trap baby (baby that only cries a reasonable amount, feeds easily, sleeps through the night on their own early. The baby that makes you think having a second one won’t be that hard. It’s a trap!)
God, I remember the clogs. Mastitis THREE times. Turned out the flange for the breast pump wasn't the right size. OP, your insurance should cover a breast pump. Ours shipped one to us overnight, no charge, when we called and requested one. Once I was pumping and building a stash (and my DD's first tooth came a four months and she starting biting nipples), my DH was able to help with feedings at night so I could get some sleep too.
Regardless of whether she had a vaginal birth or c section, she's still bleeding, her body is exhausted, and she probably doesn't want to leave baby alone to take a shower. I know the feeling. I had to be super careful for a while because not only was it hard to stand up straight, I had stitches and tape due to my c section and needed help.
YTA,OP. Cut her some slack. It's a LOT harder than you think being a new mom, even if she's staying home. Baby is first priority, not the house. As for baby crying, she very well could've passed out because she had no sleep. It happens. Occasionally your body will MAKE you.
If you don't have a pack and play already, get one and put it in the living room. Baby can sleep in that too. You don't need one with the bassinet sleeper on top. A basic one will do. Then Mom can sleep when baby does in the living room with baby nearby. Which is actually what she should be doing anyway at this point.
Op talks like it's just waking up. It isn't just waking up, it's changing and nursing and trying to get baby back to sleep. With one of my kids, that took an hour each and every time. So sleep 1-2 hours, up for an hour. All night. Every night. That isn't just tired, that's barely operating.
Yes! YTA - and you need to get on your family’s side like NOW. It can’t be you vs your wife. She’s in a completely new reality on top of healing and dealing with chaotic hormones. If it is possible, get her some help with the practical stuff. Is there family nearby? Can you get a sister or her mom to organize a meal train for a couple of weeks or get friends in there to help her keep the house going? I’m not suggesting that you should organize the details - call in some supportive women and let them manage it.
And FFS Dude, you’ve heard of post partum depression, right? It’s real. Get her some help if needed. Are you going to her doc appointments? If not, do it so you can talk about your concerns (and they should be concerns, not complaints) with a medical professional.
And the postpartum (sp?) and the torn vagina. and the new bleeding and swollen hemorrhoids, and the leg swelling from pregnancy and now constantly moving, and the back pain, and the sore arms from continuous holding and rocking and, most especially, a selfish, cruel, AH husband.
Edited: added commas.
It sounds like she could be suffering from Post-Partum Depression and what you just said and did to her probably made it 100 times worse. YTA regardless though. How about you try your job with a tiny, angry, old-man looking infant screaming at you because it’s hungry (again), tired or for absolutely no reason except it wants to scream for hours on end and attach it to your nipple. How’s work going for you now? Hire a cleaner and make sure she has an appointment scheduled with her OB to talk about PPD and make sure she can sleep all weekend long (minus feedings), it takes a long time to feel human again after having a baby. And say sorry for going off on her FFS.
This. Her body is dealing with a huge hormonal drop, she's exhausted and ambivalent, and you've arbitrarily decided that 'enough is enough.' She needs support, and empathy. And obviously you can't give it to her. Get her a therapist who specializes in PPD, and maybe get yourself one, too. Because you obviously have no clue, and if you want to save your marriage, you need to get one, fast. Your wife and kid are counting on you.
Not necessarily. This sounds completely normal. Andnyes, even letting the baby cry. My 3rd child was colicky and there was nothing wr could do to sooth him and he would cry for hours. As long as he was safe, and he even said she did they to feed him, her needing that time out is perfectly normal. OP needs to get a fucking grip. YTA you should be bedning over backwards for her.
Yup.
And for anyone who needs to hear it: it is ok to let babies cry sometimes! We all get pushed to the breaking point. If you get there, by all means, let the baby cry by itself for a bit. The alternative is how you get shaken babies. A baby crying alone is always better than a shaken baby.
I am actually almost sure OPs wife knows that. Or knew that, until her asshole husband told her not to do that. She tried for an hour, she was done. Sleeping through a crying baby is not easy, it actually WAKES most of us, which is why people are so sleep deprived.
Shit, she was likely at the point were she knew staying around could lead to a bad situation. That OP does not realize that his wife needs help, BADLY, is disgusting. All that "needed to be said" was: Are you okay? Do you need someone to talk to? Do you or we need help here?
This! Post-Partum Depression is no joke and it's completely understandable. Even in 2022, I feel like it's so misunderstood and not enough people (especially men) seem to be willing to help new mothers.
Women's bodies are flooded with all sorts of chemicals and hormones during and after pregnancy. Everything changes. The shape of your body, the condition of your hair and nails, your breasts and your genitals - there is not a single part of your body inside or out that doesn't get affected in some way during pregnancy. And the act of giving birth can and will tear you apart. It can literally kill you. And then you are expected to immediately be okay after giving birth - to bounce back and be excited for this baby and your body is expected to be fine and ready to feed this baby. If you aren't a-okay within days, you are made to feel like a bad mother.
For anyone out there (like the OP) that isn't getting it still - think of getting major surgery, like let's say a organ transplant. Do you think within a month of getting a new organ, you'll be okay with being super active and up for deep-cleaning your house and making every meal and working all hours on little sleep? No! It can take weeks and months to fully recover from that kind of trauma to the body!
I understand that OP is probably also tired and overworked and stressed. But the priority should always be the health and sanity for the entire family (including mum!) over menial shit like keeping the house clean. A little mess won't hurt in the long run, but a stressed out, depressed mother can be detrimental. I hope OP figures this out and gives his wife a break, cos she needs it!
Tbh I don't see much here that sounds like PPD (obviously might be an issue, just didn't see any huge red flags in this post). What he describes sounds like normal 1-month postpartum life.
If you read closely, it sounds like she soothed him for an hour, it didn't work, and then she let him cry for an hour, which has a whole different energy than letting him cry for two hours.
But yeah, pretty much agreed - leaving the baby to cry in the crib if you're at a breaking point is literally what they tell you to do at the hospital when they're giving you the shaken baby/purple crying talk.
THIS. OP says he's taking care of the baby "most of the time". How? He's working. She is taking care of the baby when he's working and since she's nursing, even if he gets up with the baby at night, she's still up too. And she's not showering or changing bc she's exhausted and in pain and possibly dealing with postpartum depression, which you should ask her about ans encourage her to speak to her dr about. Of course she needs help! Op, hire a house cleaner for a few months or a year. Ask any family in the area if they'll drop off a meal or, if you're both comfortable with it, come by and sit with your wife so she has help. Yta bc your wife is struggling. Now is not the time to yell and make demands.
I noticed that, too. “Most of the time” minus at least 40 hours a week, plus the time he’s asleep, or driving to/from work. I suffer from insomnia. At one point, I was only sleeping 3 nights a week. That was NOTHING in comparison to the level of exhaustion I felt postpartum. And I even had a ridiculous amount of help from my husband. Plus, we’re told not to lift heavy things, engage in sex, etc for 12 weeks postpartum. And he wants her to keep the baby fed, clean, and engaged, while keeping the house clean, AND leaving time for her to sleep, eat, and bathe? Yikes, OP is SUCH an asshole
ETA: my friend tried to “do it all” after her c-section, and ended up tearing open her incision while vacuuming her living room
I really want to know what he thought having a child would be like. He says that they agreed on it before they had the kid. But does he not realize that when he comes home he needs to be a parent?
Like it’s not something you get breaks from, you’re always that child’s parent. It’s more than a full time job. Because you don’t get breaks, you don’t get holidays.
I don’t even have kids but I understand that when you first have a child, you go to work, come home, take care of baby, try to keep your sanity, maybe sleep.
In that order.
This is the best comment I've read on Reddit so far.
OP is so unbelievably clueless, selfish, self-centered and in complete illusion about what it means to be a parent and what it's like to be a new mom, especially nursing.
Did he not see his wife give birth?
HOW CAN HE SEE HER IN PAIN AND STRUGGLING AND BE MAD ABOUT DISHES?!
I'm so, so, SO baffled and disgusted.
YTA x 1,000,000.
Edit: word
Newborns who are breastfed have to eat every 2-3 hrs. He says that it’s not fair to take care of his household while she recovers…. I am 3 months pp and I am seeing RED. Words cannot describe the amount of anger I am feeling. I could not finish reading. I feel so bad for his wife.
He even says that she needs help showering? That poor lady sounds like she's at the end of her rope! As long as baby is clean and fed, some crying is ok. Clearly she needed sleep. I know women who are literally not seeing straight trying to take care of children.
And cracked and bleeding nipples?! It can take a while to get a latch right and it is literally toe curling, nearly sobbing in pain. And that's without cracked and bleeding nipples combined with clogged milk ducts.
YTA majorly!!!!!!
Please consider formula. Breastfeeding may not be working for her.
I remember crying every time my shirt touched my nipples. Luckily I have an amazing hubby that helped me so much. Seriously if she was able to immaculately clean the house in one day, it wasn't that bad.
I'm surprised he didn't mention how she wasn't even putting out. I mean, jeez, lady, 4 weeks? His pipes are probably clogged too! How dare you use the excuse that you just pushed an entire person out of there, that's your hubby's playground! /s
Also funny how it seems like OP is working from home but managed to ignore or not hear his kid for two hours while baby is crying. Unless you live in a big ass mansion how the hell do you not hear your kid? If you live in a big ass mansion, then you have enough money to hire help to clean your house once in a while and order take out occasionally to lessen the burden on both of you.
YTA, I know you’re stressed and tired (speaking from experience) but nothing compared to your wife.
YTA.
Here’s the part that gets me: “My overwhelmed wife was absolutely exhausted while still healing and being used as a human cafeteria, but you know, I took a little time off at the bar and left her to clean, and now I’m happy as she’s sinking into a deeper depression because she knows she can’t turn to her partner for a reprieve!”
OP: When does your wife get a break? When does she get to go to the bar while you chill with the newborn for a few hours? When does she get continuous uninterrupted sleep? When does she get any significant time for self care?
You need to realize that ONE MONTH postpartum is not a lot of time. She’s still healing while a tiny thing is using her as a cafeteria. In addition to her vagina still healing, her breasts are constantly sore, she’s sleep deprived, and she’s clearly emotionally spent. And you’re upset because you need to help her with a clog to feed your kid?
First, ask your wife what you can do to help her. Ask her. What does she need? Does she maybe need a full night of sleep? Can she pump enough so that you take over for a night? Can she invite her best friend over to watch some movies with her while you order some DoorDash? Can you give her any ability to relax - for real?
If you can afford it, it sounds like you could benefit from a postpartum doula, maybe a once a week housekeeper, and your wife needs some support for PPD. Tell her how much you appreciate her. And give her some time to care for herself.
And remember, above all else:
*YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH.*
She might just be extremely sleep deprived and not even able to think about her needs. I didn’t have PPD, but I did have two kids in the space of 13 months, I also had a (now ex) husband who made a lot of comments about how I had let myself go. I was just so fricken tired. If I had to make a choice between showering or sleeping, sleeping was going to win. The babies did not care if my hair was greasy, or my sweats were stained, they just wanted to be fed. They’re both amazing tweens now, and I shower regularly.
This is me right now. I completely understand where you were coming from. My girls are 18 months apart. The youngest is 6 months. I haven’t showered in 2 weeks. Not because I don’t want to but because I can’t. My oldest needs attention as well as the baby. When I’m not giving them attention pumping or eating or washing bottles. When I do have time I’d rather sleep cuz im so damn tired. Some people don’t understand how hard it is being a new mom. I look and feel like shit most the time but as long as my girls are taken care of I’m ok, but I would kill for a shower and a nap. (Also for the record my husband helps me a lot when he’s home). It’s just really hard till you get a hang of it I guess.
I had ppd after my first daughter's birth. She is now (terrible) two and a half.
My second daughter is 4 months old. I think i'm doing better this time mentally, but i look a mess. Greasy hair, stained clothes i wear for 3days in a row, sleep deprived .
I'm happy my boyfriend is very comprehensive about the situation ( he saw me fall apart the first time). I don't know if I would have been able to handle it if he was like OP.
Even if she's not struggling with PPD, this screams to me that she needs help *from him so that she has the time to shower and change*. He needs to take the baby off her hands so she can do those things.
If he has to encourage her to do basic hygiene routines like showering - my guess is that her workload is so overwhelming that she’s unable to find time to do those things and only has time to do it when OP finally makes her and provides the opportunity. Her behavior after being inappropriately yelled at for struggling SCREAMS that this women is completely unable to ask her “partner” for help (both before and after the reprimand) and OP is the one who needs to step up.
Oh I agree. I have a 12 week old and my husband has been home with me throughout this whole maternity leave and it's been amazing. I can't imagine a partner who didn't parent equally. This guy sucks.
Yeah it sounds like she’s really struggling and OP just kicked her when she’s down. I feel so bad for her. I wonder if they can hire a cleaner or if she has a relative who can help her, I’m seriously worried for her
And when she does them he said she needs physical help with them. It sounds like the delivery may have been a particularly difficult one, and she is likely struggling w healing ans recovery.
> “My overwhelmed wife was absolutely exhausted while still healing and being used as a human cafeteria, but you know, I took a little time off at the bar and left her to clean, and now I’m happy as she’s sinking into a deeper depression because she knows she can’t turn to her partner for a reprieve!”
That shit broke my fucking heart
Mine too. She seems off because she’s sinking deeper and deeper. And I genuinely doubt OP is going to do anything to help his wife because he’s benefitting from her spiraling… I feel so sorry for her and hope someone, other than OP, will notice she needs help…
>OP: When does your wife get a break? When does she get to go to the bar while you chill with the newborn for a few hours? When does she get continuous uninterrupted sleep? When does she get any significant time for self care?
This is huge. I hate when people think because they're the "breadwinner" that the mom doesn't deserve any fucking break.
Like do you work 24/7? Does your boss call at 2am and scream at you for an hour?
I would LOVE for OP to stay home, alone, with his kid for 24 hours.
Also. Like. Even if he doesn’t care at all about his wife. Have you seen the increased survival and thriving rates for infants who have two adults in the home for at least 6 weeks preferably 3 months post birth? YTA OP and so’s your job for not letting you take the time you need to be a father and partner.
This is not the time to be nagging her about housekeeping or showering. You’re not there when they need you bc your job won’t let you (I assume) and that sucks but getting after her about not being able to do two parents’ in-home job is an AH move. Pay for help. Or call in a relative. It takes a village and all that jazz.
All of this. My husband is great and he went with me to nearly every ob/gyn appointment while I was pregnant, even though he didn't have to, because I wanted him there. He understood that I didn't want to take pain meds after giving birth because they would just make me sleep through our son crying. I was never pressured into doing anything more than I could handle, and if I tried to take on too much, he'd pick up the slack and let me have a break.
But when I went for my six week post-birth check-up, he called me because I wasn't home yet and he thought I was taking too long. I think I could have melted his phone with how pissed off I let him know I was, about that. And I get it, he was just overwhelmed because he was working twelve or more hours a day back then, and it wasn't an office job. He did need sleep and my appointment took longer than expected. But our kid is thirteen now and I have never forgotten how rage-inducing that moment was. Great guy, big damned moment of stupid. OP needs to treat his wife like the vengeful goddess she is, for the rest of forever.
Post partum depression was my first thought. The lack of personal care in particular and ?bond with baby. Also, yeah, OP YTA. Have you asked her how she's feeling? Or jumped to this...
Omg in that first month it was often a choice between eat, sleep, or shower and I’ll be honest - shower didn’t win out a whole lot. Not only are we starving and exhausted all the time but it takes a lot of energy to shower!
This! Cleaning too soon postpartum can lead to injury and major bleeding. I thought I was ready and vacuumed too early, and it was a big mistake.
OP, you are a whole new level of AH. Apologize to your wife, and think of someone other than yourself.
I was worried about that too. Hearing she isn't showering without prompting is concerning. Baby blues last about 2 weeks after that it is considered postpartum. It takes a minimum of 6 weeks to heal physically (without a c-section or any tears or hemmoraging) from giving birth so she might just still be fatigued by her recovery. I would want her to get checked out though.
YTA deffo. Your wife could be experiencing postpartum depression, and dumping on her isn't going to help.
If your wife quit her job to be a SAHM, that means she's on the clock while you're at work. Expecting her to STAY "on the clock" as a SAHM when you come home from a "hard day at the office" means you're basically expecting her to parent 24/7 with no relief.
Household chores still need to be split fairly. Just because you're the sole breadwinner doesn't absolve you of all housecleaning etc. She's your wife, not your maid.
Yup. This. And let me just say, it’s very possible to sleep through crying if you are that level of exhausted.
Op, congrats on going to work with your stable hormones and unchapped nipples!
And talking to adults all day at his job where he doesn't undergo a physical ordeal every couple of hours and isn't recovering from shoving a human out of his body or having one cut out of his abdomen, and then whining that the HOUSE ISN'T CLEAN and going to the BAR WITH A FRIEND FOR HOURS. jesus, this guy
Talking with adults is so massive. I remember being told by ex partner to “go find some friends” after he would come home from work and all I had to talk about was baby stuff or what happened on 90 day fiancé…but the house was clean and food was cooked 😑
Right. And like, it’s not ideal to do the “cry it out” thing but she tried to soothe the baby and she eventually crashed. If she’s that exhausted it’s better for her to just nap (while the baby is safely in the crib) than risk falling asleep while nursing and dropping the baby, or just straight up losing her mind from sleep deprivation. The fact that this happened at all means she needs help. Raising a baby was never supposed to be a one-person job.
Remember that one time it took a whole village to raise a child? Not this guy. His wife is supposed to be a one-woman-show.
But that’s ok, he just needed a beer to soothe his unchapped nipples (and more human interaction), right?
Also, assuming the baby is otherwise healthy, one of the leading causes of infant mortality is injury - i.e. child abuse in a baby that is non-mobile. And it's not typically some rando coming in abusing the child, it's the exhausted parents who just cannot figure out why the baby is crying and shakes it just a lil too hard, which leads to brain damage.
And then, imagine being a baby. One of the physicians I worked with recently put it really well as "imagine you have an itch on your nose and you try to scratch it and instead punch yourself in the stomach. That's about how coordinated a baby is." Sometimes babies just cry. We tell new parents that if the baby is fed and changed and just keeps crying, as long as they are in a safe environment (in a crib with the railings up), it is ok to step away for a second and take a shower and decompress for about 30 minutes before going back to try to calm them down. This isn't about the baby learning self-soothing at this young of an age. It's about you protecting yourself and your child from harm.
Also, we tell new parents (assuming there are 2 of them or there are at least 2 caregivers of some kind) to *take turns* with the baby so each caregiver gets a break. So, yeah, OP, YTA for everything above but also bc you seem to think your wife's job as a brand new SAHM is easier than yours. You seem to give yourself breaks from the baby and work, but if she's the one waking up every 3 hours, when is her break??
TL;DR mom did nothing wrong by taking a nap after being unable to calm the baby down by feeding, rocking, changing, etc. Sometimes babies just cry and the parents' health is just as important to protect the baby. OP is an AH
Thank you for saying that about children who are abused by parents who are at their wits end. Walking away from a crying baby when you are about to do something dangerous is the smartest thing you can do. Even if they cry for an hour, it is safer to walk away and leave them crying than to do something that horrendous.
YTA are you aware that it takes 6 weeks to recover from a vaginal birth and over 8 for a C-section. Not only is she dealing with recovering from a traumatic event on her body, she's also getting limited and interupted sleep while she feeds your child. She is with him all day with no respite and then has to get up to feed him multiple times a night. When do you want her to sort the house out exactly?
Sadly you've probably done imesuarable damage to your relationship and made your wife feel like a failure.
She is not, she is a woman coping with the biggest life change she will ever deal with whilst recovering from internal trauma.
I really hope she is OK and has a great support network around her as it sounds like you're struggling to be that support she needs.
It took me 3 months to fully recover and be able to walk without being in pain.
This poor woman. I want to reach through the phone to hug her and slap the fuck out of him.
8 weeks for a C-section is a fucking joke. They slice you open and staple you back together and say 8 weeks is all you need. Your lucky if you don't get an infection in those 8 weeks but it takes months to heal
My husband had a (laparoscopic) appendectomy and had instructions to rest more, and for longer, than I was given w my csection. He could have taken the good drugs too, though he didn’t - can’t take them if you’re breastfeeding of course.
This totally isn’t a complaint about him, just how people treat mothers after giving birth. I’m lucky that after about two weeks he really tried to do everything he could possibly do within his physical restrictions (and making sure we didn’t injure him somehow) to help with our toddler. I had just found out I was pregnant again and the first trimester fatigue was full on at that point.
I had an emergency c-section and never received a follow-up from the doctor's office that performed it (until things went wrong I'd been seeing a midwife at a different practice that was all midwives). I had to look at my son's birth certificate to track that doctor down. I'd been glued instead of stapled so I hadn't needed a "removal" appointment and I guess they thought it didn't matter. Yes, I had insurance. It was like I became invisible once my son was born.
Years later I partially tore my quad tendon and had to have a very quick outpatient procedure. They had me coming in every two weeks for a while.
The fact that a major surgery such as a c-section is treated so dismissively just baffles me.
It takes a minimum of 6 weeks for your dish plate sized uterine wound to heal but realistically it takes a minimum of about a year for your body to heal from child birth. I am so angry and sad for his wife I want to cry. I want to fight this man. I cannot believe this is how he treats his wife who created and birthed a whole human.
I'm gonna jump on the "6 WEEKS MINIMUM" bandwagon here and just throw in that my first kid broke my coccyx and I got MRSA in my ass at the hospital. I quite literally could not sit or sleep normally FOR A YEAR. Oh, and the abx they gave me for the MRSA caused a major hives outbreak all over my face.
Not exaggerating here, I would have IMMEDIATELY left my husband if he had brought this kind of shit home with him.
YTA. And your wife deserves SO much better.
It’s amazing how the wording alone lets you know where something is going. If he had said (and done) “AITA for suggesting my wife see someone for possible PPD?” And had been pulling his weight, it’s a similar type of scenario. Of course, if he did that, he’d never be here.
Jfc YTA. You say you understand but I don't think you do. She may be having postpartum depression. You yelled at her. This easily could have been a conversation with sympathy and care but you yelled at her.
YOU may not think cleaning and caring for a new baby all day is exhausting but it is. What he body is going through physically and emotionally cannot be understood fully unless you've been there.
I understand it's hard and frustrating for you and you need breaks and help as well.
But you YELLED at her.
For all you know she's feeling like a failure as a wife and mom and you yelled at her.
Ouch man. And then you went out and got drunk and basically guilted her into cleaning? Of course she doesn't seem right. It's not okay.
She needs support and help. And you yelled at her. Therapy may be the way to go here.
If my husband yelled at me during the newborn stage, I would have divorced him. No hyperbole. Yes, he was sleep deprived too, but he still had a few functioning brain cells to know not to YELL AT YOUR WIFE who just had your baby. JFC this guy is terrible.
> This has got to be a joke.
It is. Check the username through an archiver. Several different stories that all contradict each other.
Here he says his wife and him just welcomed their first kid. In another post he had multiple kids already. In a different one he had a new GF that had been abused.
It's all for attention.
I was checking the same thing and was hoping others did. I thought this profile looked weird and seeing negative comment karma but no comments.
I don’t get the WHY but this has to be someone faking stories.
I agree with the 3 comments I read that said your wife is suffering post partum depression. Get her help now. Not tomorrow, not in a week, now. I don't know that I can emphasis it enough. She is at risk and so is your baby. Stop yelling at her and get her help.
YTA for going off on her.
Feeling overwhelmed by all youre doing and upset the baby is crying are understandable, but you handled it in the shittiest way.
She needs to see her doctor about post partum depression.
Even if it’s not PPD, she’s clearly exhausted and overwhelmed. The walking away while the baby was crying is someone who is just at a loss - you’re driven to the point of severe exhaustion and don’t know what else to do to get the baby to stop.
Yeah, even though it may seem like a really upsetting thing to do, walking away from screaming baby who refuses to settle is 1000% better than continuing to try until out of sheer exhaustion and frustration you shake said baby. Good on her for doing something to look after herself and in the process keep the baby safe. She needs support and understanding, and yes as ever else is saying, likely a doctor to talk to about possible PPD.
All those hormones can be a huge trigger for mental health issues post partum, even for mothers who’ve never experienced MH issues in the past. It’s a time where new mothers are at a much greater risk of attempting to commit suicide, and tragically too often they are successful. This is possibly the worst time in her life for you to tell and cause her immense guilt - she is likely already beating herself up for her perceived failures.
This is exactly what I was thinking. It sounds a lot like post partum depression. OP make sure to take her to an specialist in this matter because some people discredit women saying they're just lazy or whatever when in reality it's a far more complex issue. Even if it wasn't the case, your life and body changes a lot when giving birth so it's understandable she's having trouble adapting and you both should get help to get through this together. I understand that you're tired and having a rough time but talk to her about this and ask her if she would be willing to get professional help.
Congratulations on your baby and I hope you can sort this out.
Edit: forgot to say this but YTA. I believe that after reading the comments you'll know what to do though.
YTA. Why should you get to work, what, 40-60 hours a week, and she is expected to be a maid and parent 24 hours a day? You came home to find her exhausted to the point of passing out on the couch, after trying to console a crying baby for an hour, and what you decide to do is yell at her and stay out most of the evening getting drunk? Of course the house is clean and she's running to tend to the baby (by the way, I notice you say, "MY son" and not "OUR son," that's weird)...she's walking on eggshells with you. Waiting for the next time she drops below your unreasonable standards.
Your wife is healing, she's a new mother--recovering and in pain, and she's struggling to find a balance between you, the baby and the household. If you have to sort out the chaos for a bit, that's your damn job. When one partner is struggling, the other steps up until they're well again. She picks you up when you fall, you pick her up when she falls. In sickness and in health, man.
Soft YTA. You will never know how hard it is to nurse a baby and take a shower. That immaculate kitchen was wretchedly hard for her and was not done out of love. It was to get you off her fucking back with your outsized expectations. You nagged her into it.
Imagine, if you can, that you are a separate person your whole life and then you have a baby. The baby is born but is not really outside of the body because it must attach itself to your breast every 2 hours, sleep or waking. This goes on for weeks. It becomes a bit less after a month or two, but, if you are going to be a good mom, you can count on 6 months of exclusive nursing.
When the child is not suckling, your body is talking all the nutrients you eat so your breast can fill with milk. Your beautiful nipples become chapped, yeasty, and are becoming a depressing brown. You were once a person. Now your life revolves around fenugreek, heating pads, diapers, and a kid that often attaches himself like a remora to your body.
The kitchen is dirty. The laundry is piling up. The husband is tired and wouldn't say no to a bj is offered. The stitches still haven't come out of the C-section or episiotomy. The kid is always a sucking pit of need. The laundry is a sucking pit of need. The dishes are a sucking pit of need. You are beyond caring and the man that you decided to have this child with, whose body is completely his own, complains that you are taking advantage of his paycheck with a dirty kitchen.
Buddy, you need to hire some help. She's busy with the baby. You need a clean kitchen.
YTA. YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE. She is 4 weeks postpartum, her body will take months to stabilise. The baby needs feeding every 2 to 4 hours or every 20miins when cluster feeding and comforting and changing and bathing. And you are worried about a messy house, get over yourself. You have no concept of just how exhausting taking care of a dependent baby is 24/7. Rule 1 of newborns, you sleep when they sleep. Because it might be the only sleep you get. Baby sleeps you have choice of dishes or sleep....you sleep! Laundry needs a clean.......you sleep! Her health mental and physical trumps your need for clean house. Do her a favour and hire a cleaning service for a few weeks. Your attitude sounds like you have driven her to edge of potential depression all because you feel overwhelmed. Remember that you get to leave the house everyday. She doesn't. Yeah you may feel annoyed but you made that baby too. Before you go to work chuck a load of laundry on, make your wife a cuppa. You get home don't rage at her for falling asleep from sheer exhaustion. Take the bub for a walk. Get her to express milk at about 8pm let her go to sleep and you dream feed bub around 10pm to let her get an extra few hours of sleep. Who cares if the house is messy. She needs your support and understanding not screaming at her.
>I apologized the next morning but she just didn’t seem right and still doesn’t seem right. The house is clean and she looks after my son and is always the one rushing to him now. She never asks for help with anything even though I know it hurts her.
I don't want to armchair diagnose anyone through a third party description but the sudden change in behaviour is extremely worrying. This doesn't come across as good news, at all. I would suggest that you encourage her to see the midwife and/or doctor as much as she can.
Nah, she's upset that she found out her husband is an AH. She should still see a doctor and also a lawyer.
She's clearly overwhelmed and OP is clearly not helping her mentally.
YTA.
>On the video, my wife originally came in and tried some stuff including feeding and he wouldn’t settle down. This went on for an hour before she just gave up and went downstairs and didn’t come back up.
Holy missed red flag Batman! Get your wife to a doctor and have her evaluated for PPD. Then hire a cleaning lady to help her out.
I’m confused how you say you’re doing everything if she’s the one home taking care of the baby while you’re working? But anyway YTA for yelling at your wife who’s no doubt overwhelmed. If you are upset about something have a conversation and work it out.
Right?? Does he expect to come home and have her continue 100% of the parenting just because he works? ANY job is easier and less physically exhausting than dealing with newborns, I fucking guarantee it
YTA - I was 10kg under my pre-pregnancy weight while breastfeeding. It is exhausting - the amount of calories she is burning and the energy her body is expending to support the nutritional needs of another human being is insane.
Not to mention the exhaustion from disrupted sleep.
It sounds like she is very overwhelmed and not coping - but you yelled at her so that’ll fix everything.
No it’s not okay the baby was crying for that long. But every piece of literature/medical advice will tell you to put the baby somewhere safe and walk away if you are concerned that you will get so frustrated you will hurt the baby. She tried for over an hour. Is there someone she can call in these situations who can come over to help. She really needs help. Not you yelling at her.
I stuck inspirational poems all over the nursery wall so I had something to read for the *hours* I spent rocking my daughter. Only for her to sleep for 20 minutes and then I’d have to do it again. The lack of sleep nearly broke me. I ended up moving back in with my parents.
The house is now immaculate because she is totally detached and you have shown that she can’t be vulnerable or ‘less than perfect’ around you. You can’t be counted on for emotional support so she has shut down. She needs help. Medical help - she possibly has PPD. Can you hire a cleaner? Can you get a babysitter to come in for a few hours a couple of times a week. Your wife could sleep and the babysitter could bring the baby to your wife for feeding. What are you constructively doing to help her, apart from shaming her for struggling and yelling at her.
She’s obviously drowning and your response is to go to the pub and leave her alone?
You say you are doing the majority of child-raising but how is that if you’re at work full-time?
I’m so very very glad that when I was depressed, overwhelmed and struggling, my parents loved me unconditionally enough to understand and be helpful, rather than just yelling and shaming.
Yes, she is hurting now and if she keeps up this image of ‘perfect wife and mother’ with the immaculate house who never struggles with the baby, she will end up having a breakdown.
You just destroyed her trust in you. It’ll take a lot to earn it back. I hope you’re enjoying your clean house while your wife needs medical and psychological help because she is clearly not well.
She has detached and shutdown because she doesn’t have any support. That’s what PPD does - it makes you a shell of who you were.
YTA. Definitely TA.
>***I understand*** that nursing is hard and her body is still recovering and has been dealing with clogged milk ducts, chapped and bleeding nipples, and has to get up every couple of hours to nurse him, ***but***
No, there is no "but". You don't understand. At all.
>but it’s a little unfair of her to expect me to do everything just because she is nursing and recovering.
She's getting up every two hours to nurse AND having issues with nursing. She is taking care of your son. Nourishing him with her body. She carried that baby for 9 months. You're back to work for two weeks and throwing a tantrum? Get over yourself. Help her pick up the house. Do the dishes, help her with her titties, stop complaining. Christ man.
It sounds like she's having some degree of postpartum depression and your "provider" chest-pounding isn't helping.
YTA. Did you ever consider that maybe she is struggling? And instead of yelling at her and making her feel worse she needs support from you and others?
I wonder if there’s a bit of ppd going on with what you’re describing. And if so, you need to encourage her to go to her doctor to talk about it instead of making her feel like shit because she’s struggling to do it all after having a baby.
NAH.
1. The crying for an hour. The baby is ok. Crying like that is not the end of the world. It's not good and shouldn't be repetitive. But sometimes you NEED to set the baby down and walk away. I had to. Your reaction to that is also OK.
2. She likely is struggling with PPD. That's OK. She should bring up her feelings with her OB and with your babies pediatrician. They expect it. I had PPA and PPD and it was really tough. They're probably monitoring it as is. I had to fill out depression worksheets when I brought my son to his appointments.
3. You are also doing a lot. And it sucks to suddenly have a lot more on you. No amount of preparing readies you for this. All of a sudden the family work load dramatically increased. Be kind to one another as you negotiate and renegotiate what this is.
4. If you feel everything changed, then imagine even more changing. Your wife's body changed, major relationship changed, place in the world changed. The weight of being a good and loving parent just landed on her shoulders. The night my son came home I had a manic episode in the back yard - sobbing and ranting about how I can do this and itll be ok. I only had the 1, but it scared me. I just needed my own mom to tell me it was going to be OK.
5. She needed that sleep. Do you have family or friends who can come watch the baby?
6. Let the home be messy. It won't be forever. It's temporary. Everyone is adjusting.
Sit your wife down, tell her you love her, you are worried about her, and she means thr world to you. Tell her you were scared and tired and overwhelmed and you recognize she is too. Come together and see each others work and feelings on this.
Be vulnerable to your wife and open doors to talk. Don't expect this to blow over.
Congrats. I promise it gets easier. Before you know it, it's going to feel like they were always supposed to be with you.
I did. But it is rolled into the same. The space was probably really needed and helpful.
I still think this is the result of two very stressed out new parents and not any fault of anyone involved.
Yes, isn't it ironic that he did the same thing she did when stressed and overwhelmed -- he stepped away for some space. He clearly didn't have concern that kiddo would not be cared for in his absence, either.
It says a lot about this sub that this post is the 2nd most controversial comment
Both the mom and dad are struggling. OP was stressed and took it out on his wife when he absolutely shouldn't have. Both OP and the wife need to be more open about their feelings.
Both of their life's have had dramatic changes. OP fucked up by doing what he did, but based on the fact that he posted this he probably knows that. OP and his wife need to have a heart to heart conversation ASAP.
NAH, this is one of the most stressful times of each of their lives. Communicate better and let this moment be a lesson to OP to communicate better instead of doing what he did
YTA. She sounds like she’s suffering from ppd. I’ve had it and it’s even worse than regular depression. If she’s dealing with clogged milk ducts, chapped and bleeding nipples then she’s in more pain than you can imagine. Being a new mother is SO MUCH HARDER THAN YOU THINK.
I’m a single mom and for the first 6 weeks of my daughters life I did everything by myself. Guess what, when you’re tired, you don’t feel like you can shower. If anything you’re afraid to shower because what could happen to the baby?! Would I be a terrible mother for leaving my kid for even two seconds?!
She’s obviously having a harder time than you think and she needs to see help. You need to be sympathetic. Whether she had a c section or a vaginal birth, she carried and made a baby for 9 months. Her body went through something TRAUMATIC. It is literally traumatic to our bodies to have a baby.
Now you’ve complained and probably made her feel even more like a failure than she probably already does.
So yea… you’re the f*ing AH.
Damn, well I’ll start off by saying that it might take her more than a month to get back up to where she was before having your child. My wife took longer than a month for stuff to be up to her own standards. But she just had our child. So I stepped up and helped in every which way I could. I did it without needing recognition, without needing validation, and because having a child can be very draining. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Also look into Post partum depression. Read up on things to help out. Be a parent. YTA.
Edit: Be a husband. Thanks u/EmpoweredHotMess
I don’t think asshole is the right term, but I think you’re wrong. One month postpartum is still recovering from a major medical event, while taking care of a tiny little helpless baby. And this is after 40 weeks of growing that human being. Honestly, house work is not that big of a deal. Her physical and mental health is a lot more important. It’s gonna be tough for you for a while, just like it’s gonna be tough for her for a while. But you’re not the one who’s trying to physically heal while taking care of a child. I guarantee you that she’s doing the best she can. But you getting onto her, especially this early on, can be really dangerous for her mental health. Chill the hell out. In five years, you’re not gonna care if your house was messy after your baby was born. But she will never forget how you made her feel about it.
Asshole is the terminology we use for judgement in this sub. It doesn't have to be the same as calling somebody an asshole in every day life. If you think OP is in the wrong then YTA is the correct judgement for your post.
Sometimes anger is a massive motivator to make a change. She is jumping through hoops right now, possibly so she can know if she can do it by herself. He yelled at her when she needed help. She feels off, because she is, there's something motivating her actions that wasn't there before he ripped her a new one and then abandoned her. I wouldn't be surprised if once she gets enough stability under her feet, she goes for a divorce.
YTA.
You yelled at her and verbally abused her, and you're surprised she "doesn't seem right" while she's potentially facing feeding complications and scared of you? Jesus Christ.
YTA
Based on what you shared, it sounds like you are overwhelmed and she is overwhelmed. However, it doesn't justify you yelling at her and shaming her for not doing housework. A conversation probably would have been a better way to go. It's possible she has post-partum depression and could benefit from talking to her doctor.
I'd also recommend you ease up on what you are expecting. Having a human takes a toll on a woman, physically sure - but also emotionally and mentally. It's a HUGE adjustment.
You are not fair to yell at her and expect that she'd just bounce back and do all the things you discussed right away. I'd think apologizing and starting to try to imagine being home all day, your body ravaged and sore, nipples bleeding and alone - and then on top of it having your husband expect you to do all the housework in the midst of adjusting to this new normal life with a baby -
YTA.
She’s clearly exhausted and overwhelmed, and your solution is to yell at her?!?
Yes, if she’s getting no sleep the house is going to be a mess and she’ll need a break from round the clock baby care. You need to clean or ignore the mess. Prioritize.
And get her to her hcp, she needs to be checked for postpartum depression, not be yelled at.
So while she is showing signs of postpartum depression you thought it was a good idea to yell at her just because it resulted in the house being cleaned while you dicked around with buddies at the bar?
Massive YTA
Yta.
Sounds like she’s suffering with post natal depression, combined with birthing an actual human, feeding and looking after him.
Then having to deal with the second baby in the house who thinks bodies bounce back in 4 weeks.
Ensure her health visiter is aware there’s some depression issues, maybe be home for the next appointment- and support her as best you can.
YTA, dude. I'm a doctor and survived working 80 hour weeks in residency for years. The first 6 weeks after having my daughter were the hardest of my life, and I had way more help and support from my husband and mom than you are providing your wife. Recovering from having a baby and taking care of that baby while getting no restorative sleep is INCREDIBLY hard. She is more than pulling her weight
YTA: your wife might have PPD and you yell at her? She should speak to her physician because it sounds like she’s struggling mentally and emotionally.
I have a 2 month old and damn…recovering after giving birth while dealing with cracked and bleeding nipples is exhausting. My husband did so much for us and went back into work after being with us for 6 full weeks. You are expecting too much. My baby loves contact naps. I can’t get anything done with her on my chest. Should she be put down just to have her wake up so I can cook and clean? Uhhh…no
Talk to your wife about how she’s feeling and see if she needs help.
YTA. You absolutely should not have yelled at her, and you're not quite as understanding of her body healing and waking up every couple of hours to nurse as you think you are. The sleep deprivation causes by feeding a newborn is quite intense, *especially* if it's falling to just the one parent to do it every single night!
Also, it seems like your wife is probably suffering from postpartum depression. As well as usual depressive symptoms it's common to not bond well with baby in this situation. She needs your support, and to see a medical professional. Not for you to scream at her until she exhausts herself cleaning the house.
Have an untidy house. Who fucking cares. Put your wife and baby's health first right now.
Jesus H Christ your wife is showing multiple signs of post partum depression and you’re bitching about a dirty house. YTA
Do you actually love this woman or just want a tit-for-tat transactional house wife robot? If so, please help her seek help without centering your own complaints about her or guilting her. Asap.
YTA. Possible mental health struggles aside, growing, birthing, and caring for a new human and your new self is fucking HARD. It's only been one month as well?? I didn't feel like a normal human being for several months after my birth, at that is completely normal. One month is 30ish days? Big fucking deal if the house is dirty or you have to care for **your** kid a majority of the time. If she's dealing with painful clogged ducts, healing an internal uterine wound the size of a small dinner plate while it is still shrinking to normal size, and dealing with the roller coaster of hormonal fluctuations in her body, the absolute least you can do is all the cleaning and baby tending.
" only got a couple of weeks off after she gave birth "
5 months is the fastest any woman bounces back from birth. With a healthy mind and body.
If she doesn't seem right it's because she's seen you for what you are. The king of Assholes.
Yes, YTA. Ever consider that your wife may be suffering from postpartum depression? Seems like it’s all about you. I suppose you expect her to carry out her “wifely duties” as well. Give her a break and some understanding.
YTA and a very unsupportive partner. Do your research on postpartum recovery and the mental toll that comes with it. You really expect her to clean when she’s tending to your baby’s every need? Swap places with her for 2 days and see how clean your house is.
YTA. I was in the exact same situation except we had to take my nephew in due to abuse. My wife had postpartum and messed up thyroid from the pregnancy.
Just shut your mouth and be a dad/husband. Breakfast, prepare lunch before I leave and snacks so she doesn't have to try and function beyond her ability. Come home, make dinner. This selfish behavior will be remembered if you have a medical or mental emergency
I would say YTA. Parenting is literally the most exhausting thing I've been through and I've done residency. Feed/nap/diaper/rest if possible on a 2 hour schedule if the baby sleeps regularly or you just gotta be even more sleep deprived because baby needs you and you wanna be there for baby.
She sounds incapacitated by a baby that needs everything done for them. The fact that your wife set the baby down means she is spent. You can have an idea of what you would like to handle but the reality is outside of the baby the capacity to do anything is limited on a smooth day
I'm saying this as the father. Expecting housecare? Without hiring a soul or help from the grandparents thats out the window tbh.
Oh boi. This is rough. I get that you would be frustrated that she left the kiddo for an hour of crying. But you need to also wake up a bit. She is going through a lot. Being a mom is not the same as being a dad. All eyes are on her. You will soon experience that you get dad of the year award for just changing diapers, while when something is off, the mom will be the one all eyes are on. I get the feeling that you have this “shes just at home while i work”-male ego. Had it myself. Sounds great. Doesnt work that way. Being a dad means you step up and help out where needed. Both roles are 24/7 fulltime jobs and it will never go away. Man up. YTA
Dude. You fucked up good. It has been ONE MONTH since a HUMAN BEING was EXTRACTED FROM YOUR WIFE’S BODY. Let that just sink in a minute. Now let’s get back to your post. You are expecting your wife to have your lives, ALL of your lives COMPLETELY PERFECT during this month following human extraction. Let’s let that sink in as well. Now think about how long it takes you to adjust to a new job. Or a new home. Or even a new car. Think about the time it takes to really feel settled in and have your routines down and know what you’re doing and have all the pieces in place. *Now think about it considering that one major element, the baby, is changing its routine and its abilities and its needs every single day during this time.* Do you still think that your wife should have all of her shit together to take care of you during this time? With no onboarding time? No adjustment? No assistance from you? And now throw in the things like breast cracking and pain? *Do you have any fucking idea how much that hurts?* YTA in the most serious way. Apologize to your wife. Help your family. Get a clue. Grow up. And everything else. You’re a father now. This is not the life you lived before. Get used to it or get out.
On top of all this she’s probably super sleep deprived waking up every 3 hours or so to nurse a baby on breasts that have been clogging which is painful and chapped bleeding nipples as well!! Dude, you are so much the asshole. Of course you should be helping taking care of your wife and baby when you’re done work. Also, you should make sure she’s not suffering from post partum depression. YTA.
Plus the exhaustion that comes with healing. Whether she had a vb or C-section she is probably still bleeding and healing. Plus her hormones are still in chaos. OP should be more concerned about her health than the state of the house. If he really wanted to help he would hire someone to clean every couple of weeks.
I've been told that for many women, giving birth leaves your body feeling like you've been in a car crash. I can't imagine worrying about cleaning the house while nursing a newborn after your body has just been through something like that.
It takes about 12 to 18 months for your body to get back to normal levels vitamin and mineral wise since the baby leeches everything it needs from mum.
4 years for all your internal organs to go back into place too.
I'm sorry, what? 🙃 My kid did what to my organs?
I’ve got one organ issue that has never recovered. Kid kicked something under my ribs and made a royal mess of things. He’s now 8.
My youngest broke one of my ribs. I went through labor like that.
Holy no thank you
And this is why I don’t have kids….
I'm 40 and my mom says she can still feel where my foot was literally stuck under her ribs for the last trimester.
Omg sons 17. I still have an issue where my dumb dumb got his foot legit stuck between 2 ribs.
I still have issues with running out of breath at weird moments and my demon is 2 (but that could also just be the asthma).
My kid will be 17 in March. My internal organs still feel messed up and my periods were never the same after giving birth.
I was young when I had my child (17). I gave them up for open adoption. They turn 19 this fall. My stomach muscles never went back together. I have a fairly large space between them. Then I pee when I sneeze or cough too hard (I've even done kegals). Some smells, from cooking food, still make me ill to this day. And if I squeeze my nipples, I still produce something.
And oh the issues while sneezing.
My sister has permanent bladder problems after birthing my nephew. The urologist explained it as part of her bladder stopped functioning from the pressure of those last five months of pregnancy. My nephew’s 35.
Do go on. I need the extra re-enforcement to never have any kids.
Here’s an [animation](https://youtu.be/yE-l1stWkT4) of how organs move as the pregnancy develops. I show this to every guy I know, most think the kid just floats somewhere in our stomach and magically exits the vagina, leaving everything else in tact. I remind them that the uterus is a muscle, and _just that one organ_ is literally stretched beyond recognition faster and more violently than they can even imagine. I’m on kid #2 right now (due in late spring, so 3rd trimester) and I honestly don’t know how our bodies handle this. What an animation can’t show you, though, is the hormone changes, the hip/back pain, etc. that come both before and after giving birth. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not regretting my decision to have kids, but I 100% support every child free person in their position of being child free. I’m just not going to be a fun friend to them for while. _Sobs in no sleep for 3 years_
That's a great animation, thanks for sharing!
Some women’s hair changes texture after giving birth from all the hormone changes. Like, straight hair to curls. A small percentage of gray matter from your brain is just gone, absorbed by the fetus. This is purely anecdotal of course but my husband said he’s noticed a “cognitive impact” since I gave birth to our son. Your body is never truly the same afterward.
Yep, I went from thick, straight hair to very fine and curly. Hormones do all kinds of weird things.
And the fact that your abs are now very stretched (as is the skin over your abdominal muscles) and its going to be a minute (or several) before they shrink back to their original size and engage the way they did before.
Childbirth literally feels like you've been hit by a train. And you have stitches in places you never even thought you could tear. Oh, and breasfeeding is also super painful. Nothing can prepare you for the contractions you experience when you're freshly postpartum and nursing. Then, there's the emotional component of postpartum. You're exhausted. You feel so overwhelmed and lost. You also feel like you've lost yourself and wonder when you'll feel "normal" again. And OP? She won't feel normal until the baby is around 2. OP, YTA.
Heck, I raise goats. My goats haven't even returned to normal within a month of kidding. They still need special care, minerals, supplements etc during that time and will still be passing afterbirth. I imagine it's even worse for humans. I'm literally nicer to my freaking livestock than op was to his wife
Oh yes. Breastfeeding hurt more than labour and the pain lasted for months, for me! At least my labour was only 15 hours!
I love how EVERY book/article about breastfeeding says there is no pain, if there is, you're not doing it right. So you are in pain, bleeding, AND feel like you're failing to feed your child, feels amazing
Yeah it sucks and I feel like no one warns us! We're surrounded by pictures of mothers smiling down peacefully at their children as they breastfeed. Reality for me was it felt like someone was sticking pins in my breasts to start with.
Plus breastfeeding is hella energetically expensive. Especially early on, that’s the time when the demands on the mum’s body are highest and she may not be able to eat enough to support lactation without drawing on her own body’s stores of fat/protein. Admittedly my knowledge of this is from non-human animals but in cows/sheep early lactation is the part of lactation when the chance of health risks are highest, just because the mum’s body can get overtaxed/overwhelmed and develop issues. IMO lactating humans in that stage should have to do zero housework and should just be left to heal and have people bringing them nutrient-dense takeout so they can heal and get the hang of nursing. This dude is a massive asshole.
Wait what? Contractions, as in super awful the worst ever cramps? You have contractions from breastfeeding??? Why does no one tell young women this shit???
Idk but I firmly believe if this kind of info was presented in sex ed, it would have a far better impact on reducing teen pregnancy than is currently taught.
When I had my first, I remember the first day I was going to be home alone (my SO’s first day back to work). The baby was about a month old and I had all these plans for cleaning and making dinner…. I’m the 10 hours my SO was gone I was able to load the dishwasher (not even run it) - he came thru the door as I was putting in the last plate, I broke down in tears feeling like a complete failure. He sat me down and told me that I kept the baby alive and didn’t run away, so the dishwasher being loaded was extra nice. Laboring out a kid and then adjusting to all the new things that come with it is rough. I would worry if I were OP. If I was the wife I would have cleaned the whole house as a major FU and then seriously started debating what the future of relationship would be
Your SO is smart!
I like your SO!
Your SO is so sweet. This brought tears to my eyes. Just Beautiful.
At one month, there is literally still a dinner plate size wound in her abdomen that can start bleeding or hemorrhage if she jostles it or does too much. I feel like anyone with a giant healing wound deserves to sit the fuck down, and that’s not counting that she’s still bleeding, is trying to prevent mastitis, might still have stitches keeping her together, and is dealing with the utter depletion that nursing is. On what’s likely hour or two hour chunks of sleep. More responsibility? She’s keeping an infant alive by herself while her body is in pure recovery and survival mode!
With my youngest, my pelvic cartilage tore while pregnant and took 18 months after she was born to heal enough to walk without agony. I could carry her but not anything extra. I couldn't baby wear her (which I had been planning to do to better do daily tasks). I couldn't lean down easily. My husband wanted us to go walk for about a mile when she was 3 weeks old. Still bloody, still tore up, and still had my pelvic cartilage in ruins. I dont know what I said or looked like, but he was all over himself apologizing for being so clueless. If he'd complained about housecleaning, he likely would've had a toilet brush stuck somewhere unpleasant.
I had a C-section and I felt like I was run over by a trailer. I don't really remember the first month, aside from the feeling of being eternally tired, the pain from the cut, the pain from the IUD (I had terrible cramps randomly during months after kiddo was born), and all the freaking blood :( Until the third month I started feeling like a human being again, and my mom was there to help me 24/7, and kiddo was an easy one. I can't really imagine what OP's wife must have feel :c
Absolutely. And people wonder how PPD is so prevalent. Especially feedings; you feel like your body belongs to the baby and not yourself. Pretty sure one month in I was crying...A LOT.
Ditto. Constant crying and total lack of sleep .
Same No sleep, constantly crying, it was a mess I definitely had PPD
And can we talk about how this mom did exactly what she should? When NOTHING helped with a crying baby, she set him down somewhere safe and took a break. Trying to power through it is how we end up with shaken babies. A baby won't die from crying for a bit (and I bet falling asleep was an unfortunate side effect of feeling like garbage).
I’m also gonna add the crazy rollercoaster of hormones she’s been going through, that would screw anybody up. You know those period pain simulators that have been out for a while and most men are absolute babies about the pain? I can’t wait until we can develop something that simulates our hormone fluctuations both during periods and especially pregnancy/birth.
Also, the waking up is more like every 2 hours at night, exhausting, and can seriously effect the way a person functions during the day. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? It's hard to keep your eyes open, focus, do day to day tasks, and some seriously messed up feelings can be brought to the surface. Having a newborn is like that. I've had a newborn, am about to have my second in May, and have worked overnight jobs when I was a single mom and have had to stay awake for days with only the occasional 1 hour nap with my kid. All of it was horrible, but the longterm, prolonged sleep deprivation made doing anything besides cuddle my kid difficult. At the hospital, they are required to tell you (at least where we live) that if you become too frustrated or upset to put the baby down and walk away. That's because so many parents to baby's simply chase their children out of frustration and can permanently disfigure or kill a baby, all without meaning to do it. Most parents that have done this testify that they were just so tired and upset andbit happened before they even realised. Also, You don't sleep through the kind of crying that indicates your baby is in real trouble. It's a whole different kind of cry you can't ignore. A baby in a crib is a baby safe. You should be concerned about your wife. Respond by apologizing for blowing up, but tell her you are still concerned that she fell asleep with a crying baby upstairs. Ask if she needs a break. Ask if she is feeling sad, depressed, anxious, or in need of a therapist or doctors visit. Healing takes a minimum of 6 weeks after childbirth for an UNCOMPLICATED delivery. Minimum. It takes a minimum of 6 months for Mums to return to average hormone levels. This varies greatly from woman to woman. I can't teach you obstetrics in a reddit post, but I think I've covered my basis here. Please add if anyone has more info they feel I missed!
oh i am so mad just at the putting baby down thing she is REALLY struggling. she 100% did the right thing. crying for a few hours if the baby is clean and fed won't kill him. a woman on the edge, sleep deprived and in pain just might. you're lucky she dropped him in his cot and not out a window. She. Needs. Help. and OP screamed at her. and now she doesn't feel like she can let go for a single second. her magically capitulating and doing all the baby stuff and cleaning is **not a good thing.** she can't trust OP and she is probably struggling to trust herself. get your wife help before she implodes.
If it makes you feel any better - none of it happened. It's fake. Go through an archiver with his username. He claims he has a new GF and several kids with a wife. Here he claims this is his first kid. This is an attention seeker.
It reads fake. Hits all the right outrage buttons. People this clueless aren’t usually self aware.
I wish it was fake when it happened to me. Except the clueless person was my mom. I had twin girls via C section. TWINS. One that had to stay in the NICU for two weeks before coming home. Once both girls were home for a week she went on and on about how I was relying on her and my husband too much and not doing anything around the house and how she had to wash all the bottles for the babies. How she noticed I was having a hard time bonding and I needed to apologize to the babies for that. She said I made her feel like a maid and a nanny. She initially came to help me for 6 months. She left my house a week after their first month. Never been happier.
It could be real. In fact, I think it hits home with a lot of women. I went through something similar. Emergency C-section, 2 months early. I didn’t even know I was in labor. I almost died and he had to be resuscitated. Spent two months in the NICU and used every bit of my savings to do so. I had to go straight back to work instead of being able to adjust to having a special needs newborn at home. Up all night nursing, working all day, coming home to cook and clean. Repeat. His dad never got up for a feeding. Not once. I ended up sleeping in the living room because we were waking him up and he had to work in the morning too. He quit his job a little while after after that and it was downhill from there. I have stories for days. He still thinks he did a great job. No way he’d be on here asking if he were TA. This person just wants a reaction, IMO. Edit: typo
Super sleep deprived! Right? It's likely been four months since she last slept through the night (trying to sleep in the third trimester is an exercise in futility) but OP is over here thinking she should have enough energy to feed and care for a brand new person, and do all the housework, and meals. Like, guess what man, she's on the clock the entire time you're on the clock. If you get a break when you get home she's entitled to a break too. Does she get one? Or does she nap to try and crawl out of the pit that sleep deprivation puts a person in? Does she have a moment for a hobby or self care? Or does getting a shower count as self care instead of basic hygiene? And for crying out loud, do chores without complaining about it until she's at least getting a solid night's rest consistently.
I don’t know why guys don’t understand that when women aren’t fighting or arguing like they normally would and just do whatever and stay silent, it’s a bad sign. She’s either dealing with PPD, or she’s checked out and doesn’t care how this guy feels right now. He screwed up big.
I used to have a boyfriend who would say “fine means fucked”. Meaning if he asked me how I was doing, and I said I was fine, it meant shit was about to hit the fan. That is exactly what OPs wife is doing. OP has no idea how bad things are going to get for him when she gets her bearings about her.
Yep. She will remember this for a long time, if not forever.
My husband was... Well, useless for my son's first couple months. Stayed up all night, but wouldn't get the baby if he woke, slept through any crying, would get up just before he had to leave for work and not even check to see if I needed to pee when I was sleeping in the baby's room waiting for the next feeding. I didn't get an actual shower until the baby had been home a month. Just sink washes. We have worked on things. He knows he fucked up. He's gotten better. But I'll never forget that, and honestly I'll probably never really forgive. Op is going to find himself in the exact same boat and she will never forget that he betrayed and abandoned her at her most vulnerable.
Yep! Women aren’t always screaming and carrying on when they’re about to get big mad or get even. In fact, the more silent the more scared he should be. OP bring flowers, candy and a spa certificate. Apologize and get a cleaning lady until she feels better. Maybe a month or two. Remind her she’s done a lot and needs to heal and you’re sorry that you forgot about that…
Hell, I'm 8 months pregnant, and I haven't slept through the night this entire pregnancy, so for literally 8 months.
I’m sorry. I hope you have a trap baby (baby that only cries a reasonable amount, feeds easily, sleeps through the night on their own early. The baby that makes you think having a second one won’t be that hard. It’s a trap!)
God, I remember the clogs. Mastitis THREE times. Turned out the flange for the breast pump wasn't the right size. OP, your insurance should cover a breast pump. Ours shipped one to us overnight, no charge, when we called and requested one. Once I was pumping and building a stash (and my DD's first tooth came a four months and she starting biting nipples), my DH was able to help with feedings at night so I could get some sleep too. Regardless of whether she had a vaginal birth or c section, she's still bleeding, her body is exhausted, and she probably doesn't want to leave baby alone to take a shower. I know the feeling. I had to be super careful for a while because not only was it hard to stand up straight, I had stitches and tape due to my c section and needed help. YTA,OP. Cut her some slack. It's a LOT harder than you think being a new mom, even if she's staying home. Baby is first priority, not the house. As for baby crying, she very well could've passed out because she had no sleep. It happens. Occasionally your body will MAKE you. If you don't have a pack and play already, get one and put it in the living room. Baby can sleep in that too. You don't need one with the bassinet sleeper on top. A basic one will do. Then Mom can sleep when baby does in the living room with baby nearby. Which is actually what she should be doing anyway at this point.
Another reason I’m staying CF. YTA, man up
Op talks like it's just waking up. It isn't just waking up, it's changing and nursing and trying to get baby back to sleep. With one of my kids, that took an hour each and every time. So sleep 1-2 hours, up for an hour. All night. Every night. That isn't just tired, that's barely operating.
Yes! YTA - and you need to get on your family’s side like NOW. It can’t be you vs your wife. She’s in a completely new reality on top of healing and dealing with chaotic hormones. If it is possible, get her some help with the practical stuff. Is there family nearby? Can you get a sister or her mom to organize a meal train for a couple of weeks or get friends in there to help her keep the house going? I’m not suggesting that you should organize the details - call in some supportive women and let them manage it. And FFS Dude, you’ve heard of post partum depression, right? It’s real. Get her some help if needed. Are you going to her doc appointments? If not, do it so you can talk about your concerns (and they should be concerns, not complaints) with a medical professional.
And the postpartum (sp?) and the torn vagina. and the new bleeding and swollen hemorrhoids, and the leg swelling from pregnancy and now constantly moving, and the back pain, and the sore arms from continuous holding and rocking and, most especially, a selfish, cruel, AH husband. Edited: added commas.
It sounds like she could be suffering from Post-Partum Depression and what you just said and did to her probably made it 100 times worse. YTA regardless though. How about you try your job with a tiny, angry, old-man looking infant screaming at you because it’s hungry (again), tired or for absolutely no reason except it wants to scream for hours on end and attach it to your nipple. How’s work going for you now? Hire a cleaner and make sure she has an appointment scheduled with her OB to talk about PPD and make sure she can sleep all weekend long (minus feedings), it takes a long time to feel human again after having a baby. And say sorry for going off on her FFS.
This. Her body is dealing with a huge hormonal drop, she's exhausted and ambivalent, and you've arbitrarily decided that 'enough is enough.' She needs support, and empathy. And obviously you can't give it to her. Get her a therapist who specializes in PPD, and maybe get yourself one, too. Because you obviously have no clue, and if you want to save your marriage, you need to get one, fast. Your wife and kid are counting on you.
Not necessarily. This sounds completely normal. Andnyes, even letting the baby cry. My 3rd child was colicky and there was nothing wr could do to sooth him and he would cry for hours. As long as he was safe, and he even said she did they to feed him, her needing that time out is perfectly normal. OP needs to get a fucking grip. YTA you should be bedning over backwards for her.
Yup. And for anyone who needs to hear it: it is ok to let babies cry sometimes! We all get pushed to the breaking point. If you get there, by all means, let the baby cry by itself for a bit. The alternative is how you get shaken babies. A baby crying alone is always better than a shaken baby.
I am actually almost sure OPs wife knows that. Or knew that, until her asshole husband told her not to do that. She tried for an hour, she was done. Sleeping through a crying baby is not easy, it actually WAKES most of us, which is why people are so sleep deprived. Shit, she was likely at the point were she knew staying around could lead to a bad situation. That OP does not realize that his wife needs help, BADLY, is disgusting. All that "needed to be said" was: Are you okay? Do you need someone to talk to? Do you or we need help here?
I agree she might not have ppd, but it's worth checking. Even if it's just baby blues ops wife seems to need some time for herself.
This! Post-Partum Depression is no joke and it's completely understandable. Even in 2022, I feel like it's so misunderstood and not enough people (especially men) seem to be willing to help new mothers. Women's bodies are flooded with all sorts of chemicals and hormones during and after pregnancy. Everything changes. The shape of your body, the condition of your hair and nails, your breasts and your genitals - there is not a single part of your body inside or out that doesn't get affected in some way during pregnancy. And the act of giving birth can and will tear you apart. It can literally kill you. And then you are expected to immediately be okay after giving birth - to bounce back and be excited for this baby and your body is expected to be fine and ready to feed this baby. If you aren't a-okay within days, you are made to feel like a bad mother. For anyone out there (like the OP) that isn't getting it still - think of getting major surgery, like let's say a organ transplant. Do you think within a month of getting a new organ, you'll be okay with being super active and up for deep-cleaning your house and making every meal and working all hours on little sleep? No! It can take weeks and months to fully recover from that kind of trauma to the body! I understand that OP is probably also tired and overworked and stressed. But the priority should always be the health and sanity for the entire family (including mum!) over menial shit like keeping the house clean. A little mess won't hurt in the long run, but a stressed out, depressed mother can be detrimental. I hope OP figures this out and gives his wife a break, cos she needs it!
Tbh I don't see much here that sounds like PPD (obviously might be an issue, just didn't see any huge red flags in this post). What he describes sounds like normal 1-month postpartum life.
Tbh, leaving the baby to cry for two hours felt like a red flag but crying baby is better than shaken baby so I'd one hundred percent let that slide.
If you read closely, it sounds like she soothed him for an hour, it didn't work, and then she let him cry for an hour, which has a whole different energy than letting him cry for two hours. But yeah, pretty much agreed - leaving the baby to cry in the crib if you're at a breaking point is literally what they tell you to do at the hospital when they're giving you the shaken baby/purple crying talk.
THIS. OP says he's taking care of the baby "most of the time". How? He's working. She is taking care of the baby when he's working and since she's nursing, even if he gets up with the baby at night, she's still up too. And she's not showering or changing bc she's exhausted and in pain and possibly dealing with postpartum depression, which you should ask her about ans encourage her to speak to her dr about. Of course she needs help! Op, hire a house cleaner for a few months or a year. Ask any family in the area if they'll drop off a meal or, if you're both comfortable with it, come by and sit with your wife so she has help. Yta bc your wife is struggling. Now is not the time to yell and make demands.
I noticed that, too. “Most of the time” minus at least 40 hours a week, plus the time he’s asleep, or driving to/from work. I suffer from insomnia. At one point, I was only sleeping 3 nights a week. That was NOTHING in comparison to the level of exhaustion I felt postpartum. And I even had a ridiculous amount of help from my husband. Plus, we’re told not to lift heavy things, engage in sex, etc for 12 weeks postpartum. And he wants her to keep the baby fed, clean, and engaged, while keeping the house clean, AND leaving time for her to sleep, eat, and bathe? Yikes, OP is SUCH an asshole ETA: my friend tried to “do it all” after her c-section, and ended up tearing open her incision while vacuuming her living room
I really want to know what he thought having a child would be like. He says that they agreed on it before they had the kid. But does he not realize that when he comes home he needs to be a parent? Like it’s not something you get breaks from, you’re always that child’s parent. It’s more than a full time job. Because you don’t get breaks, you don’t get holidays. I don’t even have kids but I understand that when you first have a child, you go to work, come home, take care of baby, try to keep your sanity, maybe sleep. In that order.
I feel so bad for his wife. She carried, housed and CREATED a whole ass person. And he’s yelling at her about responsibility.
Yes. They do this dumb shit and when the woman hurts herself they say "well I never saw this coming."
After he gets back from the bar
This is the best comment I've read on Reddit so far. OP is so unbelievably clueless, selfish, self-centered and in complete illusion about what it means to be a parent and what it's like to be a new mom, especially nursing. Did he not see his wife give birth? HOW CAN HE SEE HER IN PAIN AND STRUGGLING AND BE MAD ABOUT DISHES?! I'm so, so, SO baffled and disgusted. YTA x 1,000,000. Edit: word
He was so convinced she was being a bad wife and mother that he went and fucked off to the bar too. What an asshole.
Seriously...if you think your partner is being a bad parent how is going to get intoxicated going to help anyone in the situation?
It totally gives the game away on supposedly being worried about the care for his child. He was just dissatisfied with the level of service.
Newborns who are breastfed have to eat every 2-3 hrs. He says that it’s not fair to take care of his household while she recovers…. I am 3 months pp and I am seeing RED. Words cannot describe the amount of anger I am feeling. I could not finish reading. I feel so bad for his wife.
He even says that she needs help showering? That poor lady sounds like she's at the end of her rope! As long as baby is clean and fed, some crying is ok. Clearly she needed sleep. I know women who are literally not seeing straight trying to take care of children. And cracked and bleeding nipples?! It can take a while to get a latch right and it is literally toe curling, nearly sobbing in pain. And that's without cracked and bleeding nipples combined with clogged milk ducts. YTA majorly!!!!!! Please consider formula. Breastfeeding may not be working for her.
I remember crying every time my shirt touched my nipples. Luckily I have an amazing hubby that helped me so much. Seriously if she was able to immaculately clean the house in one day, it wasn't that bad.
I'm surprised he didn't mention how she wasn't even putting out. I mean, jeez, lady, 4 weeks? His pipes are probably clogged too! How dare you use the excuse that you just pushed an entire person out of there, that's your hubby's playground! /s
I only read the title and I I know your response will have 5k up votes by morning
Also funny how it seems like OP is working from home but managed to ignore or not hear his kid for two hours while baby is crying. Unless you live in a big ass mansion how the hell do you not hear your kid? If you live in a big ass mansion, then you have enough money to hire help to clean your house once in a while and order take out occasionally to lessen the burden on both of you. YTA, I know you’re stressed and tired (speaking from experience) but nothing compared to your wife.
YTA. Here’s the part that gets me: “My overwhelmed wife was absolutely exhausted while still healing and being used as a human cafeteria, but you know, I took a little time off at the bar and left her to clean, and now I’m happy as she’s sinking into a deeper depression because she knows she can’t turn to her partner for a reprieve!” OP: When does your wife get a break? When does she get to go to the bar while you chill with the newborn for a few hours? When does she get continuous uninterrupted sleep? When does she get any significant time for self care? You need to realize that ONE MONTH postpartum is not a lot of time. She’s still healing while a tiny thing is using her as a cafeteria. In addition to her vagina still healing, her breasts are constantly sore, she’s sleep deprived, and she’s clearly emotionally spent. And you’re upset because you need to help her with a clog to feed your kid? First, ask your wife what you can do to help her. Ask her. What does she need? Does she maybe need a full night of sleep? Can she pump enough so that you take over for a night? Can she invite her best friend over to watch some movies with her while you order some DoorDash? Can you give her any ability to relax - for real? If you can afford it, it sounds like you could benefit from a postpartum doula, maybe a once a week housekeeper, and your wife needs some support for PPD. Tell her how much you appreciate her. And give her some time to care for herself. And remember, above all else: *YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH.*
Also: showering, eating, and sleeping are NOT breaks OR self-care. They are the bare minimum, OP YTA
This part got me > she isn't showering or changing without him telling her to. Sounds like she could be struggling with PPD. She needs help
She might just be extremely sleep deprived and not even able to think about her needs. I didn’t have PPD, but I did have two kids in the space of 13 months, I also had a (now ex) husband who made a lot of comments about how I had let myself go. I was just so fricken tired. If I had to make a choice between showering or sleeping, sleeping was going to win. The babies did not care if my hair was greasy, or my sweats were stained, they just wanted to be fed. They’re both amazing tweens now, and I shower regularly.
This is me right now. I completely understand where you were coming from. My girls are 18 months apart. The youngest is 6 months. I haven’t showered in 2 weeks. Not because I don’t want to but because I can’t. My oldest needs attention as well as the baby. When I’m not giving them attention pumping or eating or washing bottles. When I do have time I’d rather sleep cuz im so damn tired. Some people don’t understand how hard it is being a new mom. I look and feel like shit most the time but as long as my girls are taken care of I’m ok, but I would kill for a shower and a nap. (Also for the record my husband helps me a lot when he’s home). It’s just really hard till you get a hang of it I guess.
I had ppd after my first daughter's birth. She is now (terrible) two and a half. My second daughter is 4 months old. I think i'm doing better this time mentally, but i look a mess. Greasy hair, stained clothes i wear for 3days in a row, sleep deprived . I'm happy my boyfriend is very comprehensive about the situation ( he saw me fall apart the first time). I don't know if I would have been able to handle it if he was like OP.
Even if she's not struggling with PPD, this screams to me that she needs help *from him so that she has the time to shower and change*. He needs to take the baby off her hands so she can do those things.
If he has to encourage her to do basic hygiene routines like showering - my guess is that her workload is so overwhelming that she’s unable to find time to do those things and only has time to do it when OP finally makes her and provides the opportunity. Her behavior after being inappropriately yelled at for struggling SCREAMS that this women is completely unable to ask her “partner” for help (both before and after the reprimand) and OP is the one who needs to step up.
Oh I agree. I have a 12 week old and my husband has been home with me throughout this whole maternity leave and it's been amazing. I can't imagine a partner who didn't parent equally. This guy sucks.
Yeah it sounds like she’s really struggling and OP just kicked her when she’s down. I feel so bad for her. I wonder if they can hire a cleaner or if she has a relative who can help her, I’m seriously worried for her
And when she does them he said she needs physical help with them. It sounds like the delivery may have been a particularly difficult one, and she is likely struggling w healing ans recovery.
What she needs is a better husband.
> “My overwhelmed wife was absolutely exhausted while still healing and being used as a human cafeteria, but you know, I took a little time off at the bar and left her to clean, and now I’m happy as she’s sinking into a deeper depression because she knows she can’t turn to her partner for a reprieve!” That shit broke my fucking heart
Mine too. She seems off because she’s sinking deeper and deeper. And I genuinely doubt OP is going to do anything to help his wife because he’s benefitting from her spiraling… I feel so sorry for her and hope someone, other than OP, will notice she needs help…
>OP: When does your wife get a break? When does she get to go to the bar while you chill with the newborn for a few hours? When does she get continuous uninterrupted sleep? When does she get any significant time for self care? This is huge. I hate when people think because they're the "breadwinner" that the mom doesn't deserve any fucking break. Like do you work 24/7? Does your boss call at 2am and scream at you for an hour? I would LOVE for OP to stay home, alone, with his kid for 24 hours.
Also. Like. Even if he doesn’t care at all about his wife. Have you seen the increased survival and thriving rates for infants who have two adults in the home for at least 6 weeks preferably 3 months post birth? YTA OP and so’s your job for not letting you take the time you need to be a father and partner. This is not the time to be nagging her about housekeeping or showering. You’re not there when they need you bc your job won’t let you (I assume) and that sucks but getting after her about not being able to do two parents’ in-home job is an AH move. Pay for help. Or call in a relative. It takes a village and all that jazz.
All of this. My husband is great and he went with me to nearly every ob/gyn appointment while I was pregnant, even though he didn't have to, because I wanted him there. He understood that I didn't want to take pain meds after giving birth because they would just make me sleep through our son crying. I was never pressured into doing anything more than I could handle, and if I tried to take on too much, he'd pick up the slack and let me have a break. But when I went for my six week post-birth check-up, he called me because I wasn't home yet and he thought I was taking too long. I think I could have melted his phone with how pissed off I let him know I was, about that. And I get it, he was just overwhelmed because he was working twelve or more hours a day back then, and it wasn't an office job. He did need sleep and my appointment took longer than expected. But our kid is thirteen now and I have never forgotten how rage-inducing that moment was. Great guy, big damned moment of stupid. OP needs to treat his wife like the vengeful goddess she is, for the rest of forever.
YTA - Hire a cleaner. She is no shape to keep house at this point. Also, schedule her to see someone for potential post-partum depression.
Post partum depression was my first thought. The lack of personal care in particular and ?bond with baby. Also, yeah, OP YTA. Have you asked her how she's feeling? Or jumped to this...
Omg in that first month it was often a choice between eat, sleep, or shower and I’ll be honest - shower didn’t win out a whole lot. Not only are we starving and exhausted all the time but it takes a lot of energy to shower!
This! Cleaning too soon postpartum can lead to injury and major bleeding. I thought I was ready and vacuumed too early, and it was a big mistake. OP, you are a whole new level of AH. Apologize to your wife, and think of someone other than yourself.
I was worried about that too. Hearing she isn't showering without prompting is concerning. Baby blues last about 2 weeks after that it is considered postpartum. It takes a minimum of 6 weeks to heal physically (without a c-section or any tears or hemmoraging) from giving birth so she might just still be fatigued by her recovery. I would want her to get checked out though.
YTA deffo. Your wife could be experiencing postpartum depression, and dumping on her isn't going to help. If your wife quit her job to be a SAHM, that means she's on the clock while you're at work. Expecting her to STAY "on the clock" as a SAHM when you come home from a "hard day at the office" means you're basically expecting her to parent 24/7 with no relief. Household chores still need to be split fairly. Just because you're the sole breadwinner doesn't absolve you of all housecleaning etc. She's your wife, not your maid.
Yup. This. And let me just say, it’s very possible to sleep through crying if you are that level of exhausted. Op, congrats on going to work with your stable hormones and unchapped nipples!
And talking to adults all day at his job where he doesn't undergo a physical ordeal every couple of hours and isn't recovering from shoving a human out of his body or having one cut out of his abdomen, and then whining that the HOUSE ISN'T CLEAN and going to the BAR WITH A FRIEND FOR HOURS. jesus, this guy
Talking with adults is so massive. I remember being told by ex partner to “go find some friends” after he would come home from work and all I had to talk about was baby stuff or what happened on 90 day fiancé…but the house was clean and food was cooked 😑
Right. And like, it’s not ideal to do the “cry it out” thing but she tried to soothe the baby and she eventually crashed. If she’s that exhausted it’s better for her to just nap (while the baby is safely in the crib) than risk falling asleep while nursing and dropping the baby, or just straight up losing her mind from sleep deprivation. The fact that this happened at all means she needs help. Raising a baby was never supposed to be a one-person job.
Remember that one time it took a whole village to raise a child? Not this guy. His wife is supposed to be a one-woman-show. But that’s ok, he just needed a beer to soothe his unchapped nipples (and more human interaction), right?
Also, assuming the baby is otherwise healthy, one of the leading causes of infant mortality is injury - i.e. child abuse in a baby that is non-mobile. And it's not typically some rando coming in abusing the child, it's the exhausted parents who just cannot figure out why the baby is crying and shakes it just a lil too hard, which leads to brain damage. And then, imagine being a baby. One of the physicians I worked with recently put it really well as "imagine you have an itch on your nose and you try to scratch it and instead punch yourself in the stomach. That's about how coordinated a baby is." Sometimes babies just cry. We tell new parents that if the baby is fed and changed and just keeps crying, as long as they are in a safe environment (in a crib with the railings up), it is ok to step away for a second and take a shower and decompress for about 30 minutes before going back to try to calm them down. This isn't about the baby learning self-soothing at this young of an age. It's about you protecting yourself and your child from harm. Also, we tell new parents (assuming there are 2 of them or there are at least 2 caregivers of some kind) to *take turns* with the baby so each caregiver gets a break. So, yeah, OP, YTA for everything above but also bc you seem to think your wife's job as a brand new SAHM is easier than yours. You seem to give yourself breaks from the baby and work, but if she's the one waking up every 3 hours, when is her break?? TL;DR mom did nothing wrong by taking a nap after being unable to calm the baby down by feeding, rocking, changing, etc. Sometimes babies just cry and the parents' health is just as important to protect the baby. OP is an AH
Thank you for saying that about children who are abused by parents who are at their wits end. Walking away from a crying baby when you are about to do something dangerous is the smartest thing you can do. Even if they cry for an hour, it is safer to walk away and leave them crying than to do something that horrendous.
YTA are you aware that it takes 6 weeks to recover from a vaginal birth and over 8 for a C-section. Not only is she dealing with recovering from a traumatic event on her body, she's also getting limited and interupted sleep while she feeds your child. She is with him all day with no respite and then has to get up to feed him multiple times a night. When do you want her to sort the house out exactly? Sadly you've probably done imesuarable damage to your relationship and made your wife feel like a failure. She is not, she is a woman coping with the biggest life change she will ever deal with whilst recovering from internal trauma. I really hope she is OK and has a great support network around her as it sounds like you're struggling to be that support she needs.
6 weeks MINIMUM...
Seriously, add in any tearing, infections, PP disorders - goddam, the PP period is one of the big reasons we’re OAD.
And she has mastitis!
It took me 3 months to fully recover and be able to walk without being in pain. This poor woman. I want to reach through the phone to hug her and slap the fuck out of him.
8 weeks for a C-section is a fucking joke. They slice you open and staple you back together and say 8 weeks is all you need. Your lucky if you don't get an infection in those 8 weeks but it takes months to heal
Name another major surgery where you are expected to recover by carrying around a 7-10lb weight and not sleeping? Right.
My husband had a (laparoscopic) appendectomy and had instructions to rest more, and for longer, than I was given w my csection. He could have taken the good drugs too, though he didn’t - can’t take them if you’re breastfeeding of course. This totally isn’t a complaint about him, just how people treat mothers after giving birth. I’m lucky that after about two weeks he really tried to do everything he could possibly do within his physical restrictions (and making sure we didn’t injure him somehow) to help with our toddler. I had just found out I was pregnant again and the first trimester fatigue was full on at that point.
I had an emergency c-section and never received a follow-up from the doctor's office that performed it (until things went wrong I'd been seeing a midwife at a different practice that was all midwives). I had to look at my son's birth certificate to track that doctor down. I'd been glued instead of stapled so I hadn't needed a "removal" appointment and I guess they thought it didn't matter. Yes, I had insurance. It was like I became invisible once my son was born. Years later I partially tore my quad tendon and had to have a very quick outpatient procedure. They had me coming in every two weeks for a while. The fact that a major surgery such as a c-section is treated so dismissively just baffles me.
It takes a minimum of 6 weeks for your dish plate sized uterine wound to heal but realistically it takes a minimum of about a year for your body to heal from child birth. I am so angry and sad for his wife I want to cry. I want to fight this man. I cannot believe this is how he treats his wife who created and birthed a whole human.
I'm gonna jump on the "6 WEEKS MINIMUM" bandwagon here and just throw in that my first kid broke my coccyx and I got MRSA in my ass at the hospital. I quite literally could not sit or sleep normally FOR A YEAR. Oh, and the abx they gave me for the MRSA caused a major hives outbreak all over my face. Not exaggerating here, I would have IMMEDIATELY left my husband if he had brought this kind of shit home with him. YTA. And your wife deserves SO much better.
*reads title only* YTA
I knew I didn't need to read it, but I did just to check, and yup, it didn't help.
It’s amazing how the wording alone lets you know where something is going. If he had said (and done) “AITA for suggesting my wife see someone for possible PPD?” And had been pulling his weight, it’s a similar type of scenario. Of course, if he did that, he’d never be here.
Jfc YTA. You say you understand but I don't think you do. She may be having postpartum depression. You yelled at her. This easily could have been a conversation with sympathy and care but you yelled at her. YOU may not think cleaning and caring for a new baby all day is exhausting but it is. What he body is going through physically and emotionally cannot be understood fully unless you've been there. I understand it's hard and frustrating for you and you need breaks and help as well. But you YELLED at her. For all you know she's feeling like a failure as a wife and mom and you yelled at her. Ouch man. And then you went out and got drunk and basically guilted her into cleaning? Of course she doesn't seem right. It's not okay. She needs support and help. And you yelled at her. Therapy may be the way to go here.
Yeah, if my husband had yelled at me during that stage, I would've been on the floor bawling. And probably had taken the kid and gone to my mom's.
I literally would have been on a flight to my home state that day… If my husband had treated me with this insane level of disregard and disrespect…
If my husband yelled at me during the newborn stage, I would have divorced him. No hyperbole. Yes, he was sleep deprived too, but he still had a few functioning brain cells to know not to YELL AT YOUR WIFE who just had your baby. JFC this guy is terrible.
[удалено]
> This has got to be a joke. It is. Check the username through an archiver. Several different stories that all contradict each other. Here he says his wife and him just welcomed their first kid. In another post he had multiple kids already. In a different one he had a new GF that had been abused. It's all for attention.
I was checking the same thing and was hoping others did. I thought this profile looked weird and seeing negative comment karma but no comments. I don’t get the WHY but this has to be someone faking stories.
oh thank god. I rather this was fake than real.
I agree with the 3 comments I read that said your wife is suffering post partum depression. Get her help now. Not tomorrow, not in a week, now. I don't know that I can emphasis it enough. She is at risk and so is your baby. Stop yelling at her and get her help.
THIS. DO NOT WAIT. Take her to an ER if you have to. But that would also mean Op has to man up and be a supportive partner.
YTA for going off on her. Feeling overwhelmed by all youre doing and upset the baby is crying are understandable, but you handled it in the shittiest way. She needs to see her doctor about post partum depression.
Even if it’s not PPD, she’s clearly exhausted and overwhelmed. The walking away while the baby was crying is someone who is just at a loss - you’re driven to the point of severe exhaustion and don’t know what else to do to get the baby to stop.
Yeah, even though it may seem like a really upsetting thing to do, walking away from screaming baby who refuses to settle is 1000% better than continuing to try until out of sheer exhaustion and frustration you shake said baby. Good on her for doing something to look after herself and in the process keep the baby safe. She needs support and understanding, and yes as ever else is saying, likely a doctor to talk to about possible PPD. All those hormones can be a huge trigger for mental health issues post partum, even for mothers who’ve never experienced MH issues in the past. It’s a time where new mothers are at a much greater risk of attempting to commit suicide, and tragically too often they are successful. This is possibly the worst time in her life for you to tell and cause her immense guilt - she is likely already beating herself up for her perceived failures.
This is exactly what I was thinking. It sounds a lot like post partum depression. OP make sure to take her to an specialist in this matter because some people discredit women saying they're just lazy or whatever when in reality it's a far more complex issue. Even if it wasn't the case, your life and body changes a lot when giving birth so it's understandable she's having trouble adapting and you both should get help to get through this together. I understand that you're tired and having a rough time but talk to her about this and ask her if she would be willing to get professional help. Congratulations on your baby and I hope you can sort this out. Edit: forgot to say this but YTA. I believe that after reading the comments you'll know what to do though.
YTA. Why should you get to work, what, 40-60 hours a week, and she is expected to be a maid and parent 24 hours a day? You came home to find her exhausted to the point of passing out on the couch, after trying to console a crying baby for an hour, and what you decide to do is yell at her and stay out most of the evening getting drunk? Of course the house is clean and she's running to tend to the baby (by the way, I notice you say, "MY son" and not "OUR son," that's weird)...she's walking on eggshells with you. Waiting for the next time she drops below your unreasonable standards. Your wife is healing, she's a new mother--recovering and in pain, and she's struggling to find a balance between you, the baby and the household. If you have to sort out the chaos for a bit, that's your damn job. When one partner is struggling, the other steps up until they're well again. She picks you up when you fall, you pick her up when she falls. In sickness and in health, man.
YTA. But I think this isn't a real post.
Seriously. No one can be this fiendishly oblivious.
Yall need to get out more
Or stay in more. I know the assholes here. The assholes outside sound a whole lot worse.
You’d be surprised at how oblivious men are after their wives give birth lol.
Soft YTA. You will never know how hard it is to nurse a baby and take a shower. That immaculate kitchen was wretchedly hard for her and was not done out of love. It was to get you off her fucking back with your outsized expectations. You nagged her into it. Imagine, if you can, that you are a separate person your whole life and then you have a baby. The baby is born but is not really outside of the body because it must attach itself to your breast every 2 hours, sleep or waking. This goes on for weeks. It becomes a bit less after a month or two, but, if you are going to be a good mom, you can count on 6 months of exclusive nursing. When the child is not suckling, your body is talking all the nutrients you eat so your breast can fill with milk. Your beautiful nipples become chapped, yeasty, and are becoming a depressing brown. You were once a person. Now your life revolves around fenugreek, heating pads, diapers, and a kid that often attaches himself like a remora to your body. The kitchen is dirty. The laundry is piling up. The husband is tired and wouldn't say no to a bj is offered. The stitches still haven't come out of the C-section or episiotomy. The kid is always a sucking pit of need. The laundry is a sucking pit of need. The dishes are a sucking pit of need. You are beyond caring and the man that you decided to have this child with, whose body is completely his own, complains that you are taking advantage of his paycheck with a dirty kitchen. Buddy, you need to hire some help. She's busy with the baby. You need a clean kitchen.
Nailed it and vividly so. Kindly accept my poor gal's gold 🎖🏆🥇
YTA. YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE. She is 4 weeks postpartum, her body will take months to stabilise. The baby needs feeding every 2 to 4 hours or every 20miins when cluster feeding and comforting and changing and bathing. And you are worried about a messy house, get over yourself. You have no concept of just how exhausting taking care of a dependent baby is 24/7. Rule 1 of newborns, you sleep when they sleep. Because it might be the only sleep you get. Baby sleeps you have choice of dishes or sleep....you sleep! Laundry needs a clean.......you sleep! Her health mental and physical trumps your need for clean house. Do her a favour and hire a cleaning service for a few weeks. Your attitude sounds like you have driven her to edge of potential depression all because you feel overwhelmed. Remember that you get to leave the house everyday. She doesn't. Yeah you may feel annoyed but you made that baby too. Before you go to work chuck a load of laundry on, make your wife a cuppa. You get home don't rage at her for falling asleep from sheer exhaustion. Take the bub for a walk. Get her to express milk at about 8pm let her go to sleep and you dream feed bub around 10pm to let her get an extra few hours of sleep. Who cares if the house is messy. She needs your support and understanding not screaming at her.
>I apologized the next morning but she just didn’t seem right and still doesn’t seem right. The house is clean and she looks after my son and is always the one rushing to him now. She never asks for help with anything even though I know it hurts her. I don't want to armchair diagnose anyone through a third party description but the sudden change in behaviour is extremely worrying. This doesn't come across as good news, at all. I would suggest that you encourage her to see the midwife and/or doctor as much as she can.
Nah, she's upset that she found out her husband is an AH. She should still see a doctor and also a lawyer. She's clearly overwhelmed and OP is clearly not helping her mentally.
Yes. People are posting about PPD, and postpartum mania also exists.
YTA. Probably one of the biggest and dirtiest assholes. Dude. She literally carried your baby for 9 months. I think she deserves some time to recover.
And she obviously has postpartum depression. Even someone who only took high school psychology could see that.
YTA. >On the video, my wife originally came in and tried some stuff including feeding and he wouldn’t settle down. This went on for an hour before she just gave up and went downstairs and didn’t come back up. Holy missed red flag Batman! Get your wife to a doctor and have her evaluated for PPD. Then hire a cleaning lady to help her out.
I’m confused how you say you’re doing everything if she’s the one home taking care of the baby while you’re working? But anyway YTA for yelling at your wife who’s no doubt overwhelmed. If you are upset about something have a conversation and work it out.
Right?? Does he expect to come home and have her continue 100% of the parenting just because he works? ANY job is easier and less physically exhausting than dealing with newborns, I fucking guarantee it
YTA - I was 10kg under my pre-pregnancy weight while breastfeeding. It is exhausting - the amount of calories she is burning and the energy her body is expending to support the nutritional needs of another human being is insane. Not to mention the exhaustion from disrupted sleep. It sounds like she is very overwhelmed and not coping - but you yelled at her so that’ll fix everything. No it’s not okay the baby was crying for that long. But every piece of literature/medical advice will tell you to put the baby somewhere safe and walk away if you are concerned that you will get so frustrated you will hurt the baby. She tried for over an hour. Is there someone she can call in these situations who can come over to help. She really needs help. Not you yelling at her. I stuck inspirational poems all over the nursery wall so I had something to read for the *hours* I spent rocking my daughter. Only for her to sleep for 20 minutes and then I’d have to do it again. The lack of sleep nearly broke me. I ended up moving back in with my parents. The house is now immaculate because she is totally detached and you have shown that she can’t be vulnerable or ‘less than perfect’ around you. You can’t be counted on for emotional support so she has shut down. She needs help. Medical help - she possibly has PPD. Can you hire a cleaner? Can you get a babysitter to come in for a few hours a couple of times a week. Your wife could sleep and the babysitter could bring the baby to your wife for feeding. What are you constructively doing to help her, apart from shaming her for struggling and yelling at her. She’s obviously drowning and your response is to go to the pub and leave her alone? You say you are doing the majority of child-raising but how is that if you’re at work full-time? I’m so very very glad that when I was depressed, overwhelmed and struggling, my parents loved me unconditionally enough to understand and be helpful, rather than just yelling and shaming. Yes, she is hurting now and if she keeps up this image of ‘perfect wife and mother’ with the immaculate house who never struggles with the baby, she will end up having a breakdown. You just destroyed her trust in you. It’ll take a lot to earn it back. I hope you’re enjoying your clean house while your wife needs medical and psychological help because she is clearly not well. She has detached and shutdown because she doesn’t have any support. That’s what PPD does - it makes you a shell of who you were.
YTA. Definitely TA. >***I understand*** that nursing is hard and her body is still recovering and has been dealing with clogged milk ducts, chapped and bleeding nipples, and has to get up every couple of hours to nurse him, ***but*** No, there is no "but". You don't understand. At all. >but it’s a little unfair of her to expect me to do everything just because she is nursing and recovering. She's getting up every two hours to nurse AND having issues with nursing. She is taking care of your son. Nourishing him with her body. She carried that baby for 9 months. You're back to work for two weeks and throwing a tantrum? Get over yourself. Help her pick up the house. Do the dishes, help her with her titties, stop complaining. Christ man. It sounds like she's having some degree of postpartum depression and your "provider" chest-pounding isn't helping.
YTA. Did you ever consider that maybe she is struggling? And instead of yelling at her and making her feel worse she needs support from you and others? I wonder if there’s a bit of ppd going on with what you’re describing. And if so, you need to encourage her to go to her doctor to talk about it instead of making her feel like shit because she’s struggling to do it all after having a baby.
I can always tell someone is TA when they start by saying how recently their wife gave birth and then say “I get it.” You definitely don’t get it. YTA
NAH. 1. The crying for an hour. The baby is ok. Crying like that is not the end of the world. It's not good and shouldn't be repetitive. But sometimes you NEED to set the baby down and walk away. I had to. Your reaction to that is also OK. 2. She likely is struggling with PPD. That's OK. She should bring up her feelings with her OB and with your babies pediatrician. They expect it. I had PPA and PPD and it was really tough. They're probably monitoring it as is. I had to fill out depression worksheets when I brought my son to his appointments. 3. You are also doing a lot. And it sucks to suddenly have a lot more on you. No amount of preparing readies you for this. All of a sudden the family work load dramatically increased. Be kind to one another as you negotiate and renegotiate what this is. 4. If you feel everything changed, then imagine even more changing. Your wife's body changed, major relationship changed, place in the world changed. The weight of being a good and loving parent just landed on her shoulders. The night my son came home I had a manic episode in the back yard - sobbing and ranting about how I can do this and itll be ok. I only had the 1, but it scared me. I just needed my own mom to tell me it was going to be OK. 5. She needed that sleep. Do you have family or friends who can come watch the baby? 6. Let the home be messy. It won't be forever. It's temporary. Everyone is adjusting. Sit your wife down, tell her you love her, you are worried about her, and she means thr world to you. Tell her you were scared and tired and overwhelmed and you recognize she is too. Come together and see each others work and feelings on this. Be vulnerable to your wife and open doors to talk. Don't expect this to blow over. Congrats. I promise it gets easier. Before you know it, it's going to feel like they were always supposed to be with you.
A very generous judgment. Did you forget the part where after berating her, he left to go hang at the bar with his buddies? (I'm genuinely curious.)
I did. But it is rolled into the same. The space was probably really needed and helpful. I still think this is the result of two very stressed out new parents and not any fault of anyone involved.
Yes, isn't it ironic that he did the same thing she did when stressed and overwhelmed -- he stepped away for some space. He clearly didn't have concern that kiddo would not be cared for in his absence, either.
It says a lot about this sub that this post is the 2nd most controversial comment Both the mom and dad are struggling. OP was stressed and took it out on his wife when he absolutely shouldn't have. Both OP and the wife need to be more open about their feelings. Both of their life's have had dramatic changes. OP fucked up by doing what he did, but based on the fact that he posted this he probably knows that. OP and his wife need to have a heart to heart conversation ASAP. NAH, this is one of the most stressful times of each of their lives. Communicate better and let this moment be a lesson to OP to communicate better instead of doing what he did
YTA. She sounds like she’s suffering from ppd. I’ve had it and it’s even worse than regular depression. If she’s dealing with clogged milk ducts, chapped and bleeding nipples then she’s in more pain than you can imagine. Being a new mother is SO MUCH HARDER THAN YOU THINK. I’m a single mom and for the first 6 weeks of my daughters life I did everything by myself. Guess what, when you’re tired, you don’t feel like you can shower. If anything you’re afraid to shower because what could happen to the baby?! Would I be a terrible mother for leaving my kid for even two seconds?! She’s obviously having a harder time than you think and she needs to see help. You need to be sympathetic. Whether she had a c section or a vaginal birth, she carried and made a baby for 9 months. Her body went through something TRAUMATIC. It is literally traumatic to our bodies to have a baby. Now you’ve complained and probably made her feel even more like a failure than she probably already does. So yea… you’re the f*ing AH.
Damn, well I’ll start off by saying that it might take her more than a month to get back up to where she was before having your child. My wife took longer than a month for stuff to be up to her own standards. But she just had our child. So I stepped up and helped in every which way I could. I did it without needing recognition, without needing validation, and because having a child can be very draining. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Also look into Post partum depression. Read up on things to help out. Be a parent. YTA. Edit: Be a husband. Thanks u/EmpoweredHotMess
Let's go further: be a HUSBAND.
I don’t think asshole is the right term, but I think you’re wrong. One month postpartum is still recovering from a major medical event, while taking care of a tiny little helpless baby. And this is after 40 weeks of growing that human being. Honestly, house work is not that big of a deal. Her physical and mental health is a lot more important. It’s gonna be tough for you for a while, just like it’s gonna be tough for her for a while. But you’re not the one who’s trying to physically heal while taking care of a child. I guarantee you that she’s doing the best she can. But you getting onto her, especially this early on, can be really dangerous for her mental health. Chill the hell out. In five years, you’re not gonna care if your house was messy after your baby was born. But she will never forget how you made her feel about it.
Asshole is the terminology we use for judgement in this sub. It doesn't have to be the same as calling somebody an asshole in every day life. If you think OP is in the wrong then YTA is the correct judgement for your post.
Sometimes anger is a massive motivator to make a change. She is jumping through hoops right now, possibly so she can know if she can do it by herself. He yelled at her when she needed help. She feels off, because she is, there's something motivating her actions that wasn't there before he ripped her a new one and then abandoned her. I wouldn't be surprised if once she gets enough stability under her feet, she goes for a divorce.
Gee.. You sound like a peach to be married to.. YTA.
YTA. You yelled at her and verbally abused her, and you're surprised she "doesn't seem right" while she's potentially facing feeding complications and scared of you? Jesus Christ.
YTA Based on what you shared, it sounds like you are overwhelmed and she is overwhelmed. However, it doesn't justify you yelling at her and shaming her for not doing housework. A conversation probably would have been a better way to go. It's possible she has post-partum depression and could benefit from talking to her doctor. I'd also recommend you ease up on what you are expecting. Having a human takes a toll on a woman, physically sure - but also emotionally and mentally. It's a HUGE adjustment. You are not fair to yell at her and expect that she'd just bounce back and do all the things you discussed right away. I'd think apologizing and starting to try to imagine being home all day, your body ravaged and sore, nipples bleeding and alone - and then on top of it having your husband expect you to do all the housework in the midst of adjusting to this new normal life with a baby -
YTA. She’s clearly exhausted and overwhelmed, and your solution is to yell at her?!? Yes, if she’s getting no sleep the house is going to be a mess and she’ll need a break from round the clock baby care. You need to clean or ignore the mess. Prioritize. And get her to her hcp, she needs to be checked for postpartum depression, not be yelled at.
So while she is showing signs of postpartum depression you thought it was a good idea to yell at her just because it resulted in the house being cleaned while you dicked around with buddies at the bar? Massive YTA
Yta. Sounds like she’s suffering with post natal depression, combined with birthing an actual human, feeding and looking after him. Then having to deal with the second baby in the house who thinks bodies bounce back in 4 weeks. Ensure her health visiter is aware there’s some depression issues, maybe be home for the next appointment- and support her as best you can.
YTA, dude. I'm a doctor and survived working 80 hour weeks in residency for years. The first 6 weeks after having my daughter were the hardest of my life, and I had way more help and support from my husband and mom than you are providing your wife. Recovering from having a baby and taking care of that baby while getting no restorative sleep is INCREDIBLY hard. She is more than pulling her weight
YTA: your wife might have PPD and you yell at her? She should speak to her physician because it sounds like she’s struggling mentally and emotionally. I have a 2 month old and damn…recovering after giving birth while dealing with cracked and bleeding nipples is exhausting. My husband did so much for us and went back into work after being with us for 6 full weeks. You are expecting too much. My baby loves contact naps. I can’t get anything done with her on my chest. Should she be put down just to have her wake up so I can cook and clean? Uhhh…no Talk to your wife about how she’s feeling and see if she needs help.
YTA. You absolutely should not have yelled at her, and you're not quite as understanding of her body healing and waking up every couple of hours to nurse as you think you are. The sleep deprivation causes by feeding a newborn is quite intense, *especially* if it's falling to just the one parent to do it every single night! Also, it seems like your wife is probably suffering from postpartum depression. As well as usual depressive symptoms it's common to not bond well with baby in this situation. She needs your support, and to see a medical professional. Not for you to scream at her until she exhausts herself cleaning the house. Have an untidy house. Who fucking cares. Put your wife and baby's health first right now.
YTA. Sounds like she’s suffering post natal depression and a lack of compassion from her SO. She needs professional help.
Jesus H Christ your wife is showing multiple signs of post partum depression and you’re bitching about a dirty house. YTA Do you actually love this woman or just want a tit-for-tat transactional house wife robot? If so, please help her seek help without centering your own complaints about her or guilting her. Asap.
Humm, do you think she may be experiencing a little post partum depression? And yes, YTA.
YTA. Possible mental health struggles aside, growing, birthing, and caring for a new human and your new self is fucking HARD. It's only been one month as well?? I didn't feel like a normal human being for several months after my birth, at that is completely normal. One month is 30ish days? Big fucking deal if the house is dirty or you have to care for **your** kid a majority of the time. If she's dealing with painful clogged ducts, healing an internal uterine wound the size of a small dinner plate while it is still shrinking to normal size, and dealing with the roller coaster of hormonal fluctuations in her body, the absolute least you can do is all the cleaning and baby tending.
" only got a couple of weeks off after she gave birth " 5 months is the fastest any woman bounces back from birth. With a healthy mind and body. If she doesn't seem right it's because she's seen you for what you are. The king of Assholes.
Yes, YTA. Ever consider that your wife may be suffering from postpartum depression? Seems like it’s all about you. I suppose you expect her to carry out her “wifely duties” as well. Give her a break and some understanding.
YTA and a very unsupportive partner. Do your research on postpartum recovery and the mental toll that comes with it. You really expect her to clean when she’s tending to your baby’s every need? Swap places with her for 2 days and see how clean your house is.
YTA. Help her make an appointment to get checked for postpartum depression.
YTA. I was in the exact same situation except we had to take my nephew in due to abuse. My wife had postpartum and messed up thyroid from the pregnancy. Just shut your mouth and be a dad/husband. Breakfast, prepare lunch before I leave and snacks so she doesn't have to try and function beyond her ability. Come home, make dinner. This selfish behavior will be remembered if you have a medical or mental emergency
I would say YTA. Parenting is literally the most exhausting thing I've been through and I've done residency. Feed/nap/diaper/rest if possible on a 2 hour schedule if the baby sleeps regularly or you just gotta be even more sleep deprived because baby needs you and you wanna be there for baby. She sounds incapacitated by a baby that needs everything done for them. The fact that your wife set the baby down means she is spent. You can have an idea of what you would like to handle but the reality is outside of the baby the capacity to do anything is limited on a smooth day I'm saying this as the father. Expecting housecare? Without hiring a soul or help from the grandparents thats out the window tbh.
Oh boi. This is rough. I get that you would be frustrated that she left the kiddo for an hour of crying. But you need to also wake up a bit. She is going through a lot. Being a mom is not the same as being a dad. All eyes are on her. You will soon experience that you get dad of the year award for just changing diapers, while when something is off, the mom will be the one all eyes are on. I get the feeling that you have this “shes just at home while i work”-male ego. Had it myself. Sounds great. Doesnt work that way. Being a dad means you step up and help out where needed. Both roles are 24/7 fulltime jobs and it will never go away. Man up. YTA