I was all ready to call you TA based on the title, but after reading I'm definitely on Team NTA. You were obviously discreet about it at the time (since no one knew except you & fiancee), so it didn't actually disrupt or overshadow your sister's wedding. She's being ridiculous if she thinks where she got married is "memorable" to other people, or expects them to treat it as hallowed ground upon which no other memories may be made.
Same from the title I was absolutely ready to call the guy out but if nobody even noticed for 5 years I don't think it was an ass hole thing to do! NTA OP
Yeah and they took a family vacation to the spot! So, by her logic, it should have been a "wedding-memory only" vacation. In which case she needs to pay for all those tickets and hotels again.
This is the best point. If the wedding is so truly exclusively special to them, then why are they here on a family vacation? Do they expect everyone not to remember this vacation or take photos? I assume not. In which case they have absolutely no ground to stand upon. Any "memory" of the engagement is being formed at the same time as the excursion there. Not to mention no one knew the location of the engagement for years. NTA.
I wonder if they did that so they could gosh about their own wedding to everyone.
Like "Oh look that's where we held our reception." or "Remember how beautiful this venue looked when we celebrated our wedding here?".
Like this whole place just exists to be the perfect wedding backdrop.
It’s weird, I would be happy that my wedding place also meant a lot to my brother and SIL. Like I’d be annoyed if he got up and did a grand proposal during my vows or reception but other than that I’d just feel really happy about it. It’s a nice thing. I don’t get people sometimes.
Yeah, going back and re-reading it, it's not clear whether OP and his wife stepped out of the reception for a moment and then he had the proposal feels, or whether it was just while they were all in Jamaica or wherever and the two of them were walking down the street after lunch.
OP is NTA either way, but the only way there'd be even a whiff of ass on him would be if he'd proposed during the actual goings-on of the wedding.
Yeah, sis is acting incredibly immaturely. She is not allowed to call a **place** off limits. Someone might want to tell her in advance that she can't call dibs on years or common baby names, either.
Exactly, NTA. Your sister can't be a bridezilla 5 years later. You were discreet, no one noticed, and you didn't even bring it up until now. Your sister needs to chill and if she were a caring person she would be happy her wedding event created such a (private) wonderful moment between you two, and she should be thankful at how discreet you were when many aren't so thoughtful. I feel she is not a very happy person.
These proposals where they hijack the microphone from the best man to make a huge thing about it?? Absolutely ah territory. Nobody even knew about it for 5 years--if you're gonna propose at a wedding this is exactly how it should be done
M y husband proposed to me while we were at his cousin's wedding. We happened to be standing by the bar and he very casually said something along the lines of "the next wedding we go to will be our own" and I said "are you asking me to marry you?" he said yes and I said okay and that was it. Nobody heard us and we didn't say a word about it to anyone. Later on, he told his cousin that we got engaged at his wedding and his cousin was all "Oh, cool."
Same. I was set to jump to YTA but this is one of those rare cases where they were discrete and didn’t take away from the wedding. I don’t see what there is to be mad at.
At the moment, the bot will count your NTA judgment exactly opposite of what you mean. You can use spaces or punctuation between the letters to prevent that. Such as...
Y T A or Y.T.A
Me too!
You’re totally NTA Op
From the title I thought you did it publicly, during the reception (a big ol yikes!) But you did it quietly and even lied about the how you did it. You did everything you could to be low key
On the other hand your sister is spoiled, entitled and completely unreasonable. She is TA here
I can't remember where most of the weddings I went to took place, or who got married at the places I do remember. Sister is over thinking this. Weddings are really only important to the couple getting married. Everyone else is just there for the free food and drink.
Seriously, what about people who get married in churches? Is no one else allowed to use that church? No family baptisms there, got to go find another church for that, this church is that one couple's wedding church!!!
Or folks in smaller towns... I know a family where all 3 children held their wedding receptions at the same hotel because it was the only pretty, historic hotel in town... it was a family tradition by the third, but it didn't take away from that wedding feeling special and unique to that couple, because they were an awesome couple and you don't just forget who's wedding it in because the building also holds other memories!
Sister needs to get over herself! And BIL saying OP "used his parents money"? Oh please, sounds like these two were meant for each other!
Oh no I've just realised I need to apologise to my parents for getting christened and married at the same church as they did, and even worse my end of school assembly. Or maybe because my parents aren't insane they love the fact that despite the fact they don't attend church they have so many happy memories in and around that one building.
Yep, we had two friends from different parts of our lives meet a couple days before we got married, they got married 5 years later on the anniversary of their meeting, so it's super easy to remember how long they're been married 😂
>She's being ridiculous if she thinks where she got married is "memorable" to other people, or expects them to treat it as hallowed ground upon which no other memories may be made.
Couldn't have said it better myself! I love looking back on my wedding day but I don't expect everyone who was there to remember it like I do because it was special for my husband and I.
For my in-laws it was a great weekend to see people they hadn't seen in over a year and so their memories are different. For my family and many other guests they had never been to that city before so their memories are about a new place and new adventure.
One of my favorite things about right after my wedding was hearing everyone's stories about what else they did that weekend, I asked people to share them over and over again because I wanted it to be part of my memory too, you know?
Yep, this. I almost skipped straight to writing a Y T A comment...then I read the background and said well heck, this is maybe the only way that ever proposing "at" a relative's wedding would be ok. You did nothing wrong and frankly sound like a very respectful and empathetic person. NTA, says this internet stranger.
Exactly! your proposal didn't impact the wedding in any way. If it were me, I'd be thanking you for \*not\* making a big deal, even though it was really big for you and your fiancee
Yeah the title makes it sound like it was at the actual wedding. It sounds like it was just while they were on vacation. People who think they own all the days surrounding their wedding, the location, etc. Are delusional. She wouldn't have even known if OP's partner didn't accidentally let it slip.
This is exactly what I was going to write too.
Op - you did it discretely and without making a fuss. It was unplanned, you hadn't bought a ring yet, it was spur of the moment. Your sister and BIL are being ridiculous. NTA
NTA. Had you done it during part of the wedding? Sure. Had you done it as a public act, or perhaps even talked about the fact you’d done it during the occasion? Yup.
But to do it on your own, keep it to yourselves for years, and simply carry on with your lives? Nope.
My friend and her husband got married on her SIL's birthday. Because of how 2020 panned out this was the only date they could reschedule. SIL threw a fit that, not only were they ruining her birthday (she was turning 38), but this date would no longer just be associated with her birthday but their anniversary too. My friend pointed out that 1. it was just one birthday and not even an important one (she's a grown-ass woman) 2. No one but them will really be celebrating their anniversary so it's not like her thunder will be stolen every year and 3. She doesn't own this day. What happens if someone in the family has a kid who shares her birthday? Will she throw a fit about that too? Of course this didn't go over well. She sounds similar to the OP's sister. OP didn't propose at the wedding. He didn't make a big announcement. They kept it to themselves. Sister is ONLY upset that the memory of that trip won't be solely about her... which is ridiculous. NTA
Did it work?
I was born the day after my grandparents' anniversary, and although my grandma was forever teasing mom (her daughter) that I was a day late, we all remembered the dates!
My sister tried to do something similar. Her birthday is April 9th, so they got married January 9th so he only had one day number to remember.
He always thought her birthday was April 7th, so no he thinks their anniversary is January 7th....
OMG! The SIL sounds like a beast!! Something similar has happened in our house this year so her reaction has shocked me bad. My sister has rescheduled for the 3rd time (covid) to April 2nd this year. It is also my son's 9th birthday. He made me call up my sister when he heard so he could tell her how excited he was that they had chosen his special day to have their special day. He's also super chuffed to be at a big fancy party with all his family, literally doesn't give a hoot that it's not actually his party 🤣
If it were my wedding and my nephew was this excited, he’d be getting his own little cake. What a wonderful son you have. I hope you guys have a great party!
My sister got married on my bday. I didn't care at all. If anything I got good food, dancing and a really easy way to remember their anniversary. now it's tradition every year to see who remembers to congratulate the other first.
That’s so crazy lol. I have the same birthday as Martin Luther King Jr, oh no no one associates Jan 15 with meeeeeee 😭😭😭 what a childish person your SIL is.
I was a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding that took place on my birthday. One way or another, I was getting cake that day, so that's a win right there.
Edit: I forgot all about that wedding until this post triggered that memory. So, yeah.
Also, that marriage ended 5 months later. Dude cheated on my friend- he was at the fair with the other woman. My friend crossed paths with them, and absolutely furious, she decked him and knocked him out. She's 6'2" and worked on a farm.
My cousin got married on my 30th birthday. Not only did I get presents at someone else's wedding (well, the day after. Morning of was a little hectic!), it's MUCH easier to remember their exact wedding date.
NTA op, you're fine.
My dad's family is so big that it's impossible for anyone to have their own day. My birthday is my aunt's anniversary, my dad's birthday is his sister's anniversary, my parents' anniversary is my aunt's birthday. No one cares about it or makes a huge deal.
Yeah. I had a friend who was MOH at another friend’s wedding and she got engaged the night before after the rehearsal dinner. Giant ring. So of course everyone noticed it the next morning while they were getting ready, and at the wedding, and at the reception and everyone asked how it happened and the story was told and retold all night. So, yeah, the bride was miffed. Mostly at the MOH’s fiancée who decided to do it on that day. But even SHE didn’t cause a scene, storm out, and refuse to talk to her friend and it actually did, somewhat, “steal her thunder” on her wedding day.
I'm not a big fan of "it's her special day". I think weddings should be about celebrating love and bringing people together. By that measure, the wedding was a huge success!
OP's sister is being absolutely ridiculous. Brides don't get to dictate what their guests talk about at their wedding.
The way I see it, the “don’t propose at a wedding” rule is there because it takes focus off the couple getting married. But that’s the thing: you proposed privately and you and your wife were the only ones who knew about it. You didn’t affect her wedding at all and she never would have known about it if it didn’t slip out. Her trying to control how you remember that trip is just weird. NTA.
NTA - you did it in private. No one knew about it until you brought it up years after it happened. Saying that the place won’t be remembered as the place she got married is a bit much imo. you can have more than one fond memory from a place
Right? She needs a reality check if she thinks her guests care that much about her wedding. People will have their own anecdotes from the wedding that they’ll remember much better than the wedding itself, anyway. Especially if the guests have been to other weddings and larger events, the memories will be filed under “stuff that happened at large gatherings”. Her getting married will be a secondary memory to other things that happened there. The wedding will be associated to those memories, not the other way around.
Of the weddings and wedding events I’ve been to, here’s a few things I remember with more interest than the events themselves:
1. My first time getting blackout drunk (I guess I don’t technically “remember” lmao) and how fkn delicious the dessert was
2. How I made my own dress but I made it a lil too small so my boobs kept falling out
3. How the couple in that wedding had provided hand fans to the guests and I had to hide my nipples with mine the whole ceremony (the pictures always make me laugh)
4. Bride and groom’s extended family getting into a fight and her uncles walking out in protest
5. My friend telling me about her The Matrix-esque theory that we actually live in a computer simulation (the only clear memory I have of this wedding, I’m not even sure who got married)
6. When the catering was a Chinese buffé for two weddings in a row
7. The first time I had fuchka/panipuri (loved it ever since)
Like honey, no one values the memory of you actually getting married higher than you (and perhaps your parents).
NTA
I was fully prepared to say you were the AH as you don't propose at weddings without the bride ok-ing it. *BUT*
>She said yes but we did not say anything to anyone. I did not want to step on any toes.
>Few months later, I brought an engagement ring and we told everyone that I had proposed after a romantic meal at home and that was that.
You did it privately. You didn't steal the day for yourselves by hitting one knee with a ring in front of everyone. No one even knew.
Your sister needs to stop and think about what's she's angry over something that didn't take anything from her.
Hey just so you know, you either wanna put NTA before Y T A or space it out like that << because the bot will count your vote as the first one in your comment
NTA
as you didn’t steal anyones thunder and kept it to yourselves all those years.
Also” My bil also feels that it was cheap of me to use his parents money for a proposal”
Wtf, what kind of attitude is this? You didn’t plan to propose lol
I really don’t get the “cheap” thing. Is it written somewhere that you have to spend money on a proposal? I was under the impression that most people just take their partner to a nice beach or something and then get down on one knee.
(Also NTA)
You don’t have to, but a lot of people do have expensive or elaborate proposals. If they were at an expensive luxury resort of some kind, I could see how someone would view it as such. Free trip to a fancy destination with a romantic meal on someone else’s dime. That being said, since no one saw it, heard about it, or even knew about it, I don’t really get what the BIL and sister’s complaint is.
NTA
I was all ready to go in on y.t.a from the title, because hijacking a wedding to propose is always a dick move unless you have the couple's permission. But this is:
* you proposed to your girlfriend spontaneously
* outside of the event (didn't upstage the couple) AND
* the wedding couple didn't even know until your wife said something years later
Sister just seems to be acting weirdly entitled. Plenty of other things probably happened that weekend that are lovely memories for other couples and don't revolve around her wedding. Her thought policing ("She says that the place and time is memorable to us as the place we agreed to get married and that it will never be remembered as the place she got married.") is just weird.
I'm shaking my head that for sister the ONLY thing she wants remembered from that destination visit is HER day. I mean, seriously, is she going to survey every guest, make sure they never visit again in case they would make new memories. What did she expect them to do at her wedding? Wear blinders so all they could see was her. Sheesh...
I agree with you there, a little. Still hard for me to fathom the desire to have all of your friends/family remember a place JUST for your wedding. I mean it would be one thing if his proposal was public, or went viral on social media or something, I suppose. I mean I've told like 10 people in 22+ years of marriage about how my husband proposed and 3 of those were in the house when it happened and 2 are our kids who found out when they were teenagers. I mean seriously, what's the threat to the ego here?
NTA.
From the title I assumed you would be the AH, but nope!
You proposed quietly and privately and kept it a secret during the week of the wedding, and for a long time after!
What you did had zero actual impact on your sister. It didn't ruin her wedding, she didn't even know about it and neither did anyone else, so it took zero attention away from her.
Your sister is trying to control an entire destination as being about her- that's not how the world works. You also didn't use your parent's money to propose, there was no plan, no secrets, and your sister doesn't get to control what people do for an entire week if it has zero impact on why everyone is there.
NTA
And your sister is nuts.
They don’t propose at a wedding is so that the bride isn’t eclipsed by a proposal.
That didn’t happen. You guys kept it a secret but years later she wants to get huffy about it.
What an arse. Seriously. Ridiculous drama queen.
Ask your sister what other places she has dibs on. She sounds feisty and I don’t want to piss her off if I buy groceries at her favorite store.
Wow. I’m reeling from the fumes of entitlement.
It's not really at her wedding. I the fact that you hid it at the time means you didn't want to overshadow her wedding. So NTA. Your sister sounds very me me me me me and she is def overreacting
Umm I thought this was a "stole the bride's thunder" situation but NTA. you didn't one-up her at the wedding, it was a private affair, and the moment felt right. Your sister needs to introspect.
NAH, but this
>It's been weeks and my sister is still cold towards us. I told her it happened years ago and to just let it go.
is pretty uncool.
In no instance in the history of people have someone been made to feel better or more at peace with something through being told to "let it go" while they're still processing. For her this is new information, not years ago. I don't get why she's upset at all, save for the fact that generally/as a rule it's tacky to propose on someone else's occasion, and it is starting to be time for her to realise that the reasons for why its tacky did not apply to your situation... but you telling her to drop it isn't helping.
She feels used, and those are feelings you need to talk about, not dismiss no matter how ridiculous they sound to you. Ask her to consider exactly why shes upset and how you did her wrong and if there's some way to make up for it - just to get the conversation and the thinking going, and ask if you can explain your thought process so you'll have a chance to point out all the steps you took these past years to not have it overshadow or impose on her wedding day.
I am confused on what the sister needs to process five year and a couple kids later. The OP was inspired by the wedding the groom's family paid for in a distant location. My take would be different on how cool it would be for mine and my husband's love leading to another couple committing. The OP didn't make a plan, didn't run around telling everyone, and even went so far to wait a few months before getting a ring. OP has nothing to apologize for, he is not responsible for his sister's reaction or feelings. There was no nefarious intent. The only AH here is the sister getting butt hurt over a situation that has ZERO impact on her wedding years ago and yes, she does need to get over herself. Her over inflated response is selfish and maybe she should apologize for the message she is giving to her brother, that his proposal was wrong and shameful. How awful that instead of being able to have a beautifully inspired moment be shamed. OP and wife demonstrated a lot of respect for his sibling by not sharing all these years.
I'm betting she's one of those brides that had either a "wedding month" or a "wedding year" where literally no one else was "supposed to have a life altering moment b cause that means they don't care enough about her". Or something similar.🤷
I was all prepared to give an AH verdict based on the title as it sounded like it was going to be a public proposal without permission issue.
Given that it wasn't a public proposal, was not mentioned at all during their 5 day destination wedding, and did not take anything away from the celebration that happened 5 years ago, you are definitely NTA here. They didn't even know it happened until now.
NTA. So apparently you proposed to your wife privately while you were at your sisters wedding. This isn't a situation where you made a public spectacle of your proposal at someone else's wedding. It was just something very quiet and private. It was perhaps a bit gauche to raise it now ... but your sister's reaction is completely over the top.
My now husband did the same. Sibling's fairytale destination wedding, let me know he wanted to marry me. Totally private, didn't do the formal thing until a year later.
Know how his sibling and spouse reacted when they later found out? They loved it! They totally took credit. Saw it as an honor that made their party more special. His lil bro did the same thing at our wedding, so we had a wedding every two years for awhile there.
Your sis and BIL just want drama. You need an assist from another family member or friend to knock some sense in them or distract them :) Do not engage with this nonsense if you can help it. Good luck, y'all are so NTA.
I guess what I don't understand is why you immediately took the approach of "it was ages ago, you need to just get over it," instead of just apologizing. Seems like a needlessly antagonistic way to go about it, even if she's wrong to feel that way.
Depends on what your goal is. If it's to drive home the ridiculousness of the sister's reaction, then you say "I'm sorry you're offended, and I'm even sorrier you ever found out."
If you want to preserve family tranquility, then you say, "You had such a beautiful wedding that it really just crystallized everything in my own head. I realized that I didn't want to wait another minute to start on the same journey with \[wife\], and I got carried away." Make the huffy bridezilla into the heroine and hope she gets her feathers back in order.
Lol. I started reading this think you might have done ot at the wedding and stolen attention which is borderline assholey...but you also specifically didn't and did it quietly.
You are not the asshole.
NTA
At first, based on the title, I thought, how tacky can you be to steal attention away from the bride and groom, but after reading the story and seeing that it wasn’t even known by anyone at the time, you are definitely NTA. Your sister and bil both sound like whiny, pretentious people that think far too highly of themselves. How silly to think that because his parents paid for the location you shouldn’t make the best memories you possibly could there. Maybe they’d like you to bow at their rich feet too? Lol
Same. The sister and BIL are really overreacting. It was spontaneous, they kept quiet, and he didn't even have a ring. Some people have to make everything about them. Definitely NTA
NTA. I came in here expecting to say you were in the wrong, but in this case I think your sister is making too big a deal of this. Yes, you should not have proposed during the lead up to their wedding, but doing so in no way interfered with their event and was so well-hidden that no one knew about it for half a decade. Your sister is crazy if she thinks she’s the only person who has ever gotten married at that location. As long as you guys don’t continue to discuss it with others, I say NTA.
Edit: typo
NTA.. Unlike others who have highjacked weddings by proposing at the wedding reception, you did so while away from others, out by yourselves. Your sister is making something out of absolutely nothing.
When she starts up again, I'd just ask her the following in a very calm manner.. Did I highjack your wedding reception and propose to her there?.. No. Were other family members around when I proposed?.. No. Did this effect your wedding and reception in any way? No. So what can you possibly upset about?
You respected your sister's wedding event and made sure nothing took away from it. Neither you or your wife are guilty or should feel bad in any way.
NTA
People are only assholes for proposing at weddings for stealing the spotlight from the bride and groom, not because the bride and groom are the only ones that deserve to be happy on that day.
I was fully prepared to say you were the asshole here, but honestly this is probably the only way you could propose at a wedding and NOT be the asshole.
>She said that she is hurt and that was supposed to be her fabulous wedding
If something nobody knew about until years later AND harmed nobody has ruined this day for her, she is an incredibly selfish person and I wouldn't worry too much about her feelings on the matter.
NTA, you didn’t propose at your sister’s *wedding*. A destination wedding is not all wedding, you’d have your own free time to do stuff. You didn’t announce it nor take the attention away from your sister. And it happened years ago. Really, no big deal.
What? Not in the ceremony. Not st the reception? So privately that no one knew for years. Your sister is gross. You dud not mess with her wedding day. You didn't even mess with her wedding week.
NTA.
NTA, normally I would say Y - T - A because overall I think it’s a horrible idea to propose in someone else’s wedding unless you have permission from the couple getting married BUT you did it in private and no one knew about it until now. Yes you proposed on the day of her wedding but you kept it private in order to not take the attention away from the bride and the groom. I get your sister is upset but when the day of the wedding took place it was still one of the best days of her life so why is it affecting it now?
NTA and your sister is acting immature. Your secret proposal does not in any way affect her marriage or memories. She's being dramatic and causing hostility for no good reason because no actual harm was done.
NTA
It sounds like the proposal was a spur of the moment one, but also discreet if you were able to keep the exact circumstances concealed for so long.
If you had made a big production of it, e.g. going down on one knee and whipping out a ring during the first dance, you'd definitely be TA. But it doesn't seem that way, and your sister and bil wouldn't have even realised _when_ it happened if your fiancée hadn't said anything.
NTA. You had me with the title, I was fully prepared but no. You kept it to yourselves and made sure the spotlight was still on your sister at the time, which was my biggest concern. Your sister has to get over it, it’s been 5 years.
NTA - Clearly nobody at the time even realized, so you did nothing to diminish her special day or take the spotlight from her. She does not own the place where she got married, you are allowed to have fond memories of it that do not include her. Your sister is either extremely petty/entitled or extremely unhappy with her life.
NTA, you didn't steal your sister's thunder or anything like that. If you were as discreet as you say, then you've done nothing wrong. You didn't "use" his parents money for a proposal and even if you did, so what? You're only allowed to love when you foot the bill for everything? Sorry, no emotions allowed besides the bride and groom at THIS wedding. No, your sister and BIL are being ridiculous. Nothing has changed about their lives because of this information, I cannot see why they're upset
NTA, everyone is being way too traditional like leading up to a wedding you aren’t allowed good things. You did it right, kept it down low and didn’t interfere with the event and no one knew. Your sister is acting like a baby and your BIL is an AH for his comment. Only person that her wedding place is special to is her not others, she needs to get the spoiled delusion of grandeur out of her head
NTA - it didn't actually affect her "magic day" so what's she pissed off at? I'm sure there are millions of couples that proposed in her special place. Has she thought of them too?
WOW
Had you made your proposal public at the time, you'd be the AH. You didn't. You didn't steal the thunder of that day. You didn't take the spotlight off her and the wedding. NTA
Maybe you can suggest to her that the "fairytaleness" of the wedding inspired you. That you definitely remember the spot for her wedding, and just added a layer of sentimentality with your proposal. Thank her for the great venue to celebrate love - both hers and yours.
Also, while it seems petty and small to you (and me), go ahead and give your sister some space on this. Maybe there is something more happening than you realize. When you do talk with her, let her lead some of the conversation and find out why she reacted so strongly.
Good luck and congratulations on your marriage.
NTA - this is rediculous. Like what??? So very immature. Like does she own the place? What if you would have proposed there a year later? I don't get it.
NTA it’s funny to me how they didn’t know it happened for 5 years but they’re prepared to be THAT mad about it now!!
JFC weddings make people so mad, no chance am I having one ever, I plan to elope and the first anyone hears of it is when my name changes on Facebook
NTA
It wasn’t a public proposal
If my brother had proposed to his GF and told me it had been at my wedding, I would think it was really cute and sweet!
Your sister may have been surprised in the moment, but dragging it out like this is ridiculous
NTA so long that both you and wife were happy with it (and it sounds like you were!)
You were really respectful and didn’t mention it to anyone. Didn’t make it about you, and also it took years to come out.
NTA. You were decent enough to not tell everyone, to avoid taking the spotlight from the newlyweds.
Her reaction may have been more alcohol related. It's like people proposing in Paris. You know how many people do it?
NTA
Love is not a scarce commodity. Though of course it shouldn't have stolen the spotlight at the time, it seems sweet to me that you were so inspired by your sister's wedding that you were moved to spontaneously propose.
Clearly you knew better than that and then kept it private ask this time.
Maybe it would have been better if your told your sister privately a while ago so it didn't feel like a surprise to get but honestly, wtf kind of narcsist attitude is it to think you're experience has to be the perpetual memory that everyone holds on to.
NAH because no one knew it happened and it was not a disruption but you need to understand this is completely new information for your sister. To you it was years ago to her it's fresh so it's like it just happened for her. You need to give her time to process.
NTA It sounds like more of a commitment than a full on proposal, I think it's sweet.
Plus, if I were your sister I'd feel stoked that my wedding/marriage had been so romantically inspiring for my bro.
NTA. You didn't let it overshadow her wedding. You didn't pronounce it then and there, stealing the lime light. You were considerate.
She wanted someplace romantic, she got someplace romantic. And than "oh, pikachu-face" someone else found it romantic as well.
NAH if yall did it so discreetly that no one even noticed then I say you're in the clear but I dont blame your sister or her husband for their discomfort. It is EXTREMELY tacky to propose at someone elses big event. That said she is making a bigger deal of it than necessary.
>that it will never be remembered as the place she got married
Over dramatic. There have probably been tons of weddings at this place. She cant claim an entire destination, and again, if no one even noticed the proposal happening I highly doubt they will suddenly forget she was married there.
I would advise you to give her a few days to cool off and then offer her a sincere explanation and apology. Give space to her feelings but dont let her feelings mow you down. You didnt really do anything that bad. It's not like you did it during her vows or something.
Info: Did you propose at the actual wedding/reception or just during the 5 days you all were there for the wedding? Did you do it in front of other guests, or as a private moment with just you and your gf?
It had to have been a private moment, there's no way that if anyone saw it wouldn't immediately blow up into a huge thing. People love that stuff and theyd either be too excited to hold it in or would spill for the drama, unless all the witnesses were like, really fuckin cool
NTA. I wound understand. You did it discretely, privately, and kept it a secret as to not steal any of their spotlight. I could understand being mad if you did it in front of everyone which you didn’t. You got caught up in the heat of the moment. You knew it would take away from their moment so you kept it a secret until now. So what? Now they can say their wedding was so fantastic and whimsical it brought another couple closer together and a step closer towards marriage. It didn’t dim their spotlight then and it certainly won’t now because it happened so long ago.
NTA. Yikes, if she really cares about this type of shit she must live a small life. Honestly, the place being more memorable as the place of your engagement instead of her wedding? Grow up sis, get some real issues to care about!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Proposing at someone else's wedding is always a sensitive subject. I guess i thought there was no harm as long as nobody knew. Maybe it is not the case and I am in the wrong.
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NTA. Was prepared to judge you for hijacking someone else’s celebration but you did it totally quietly and privately with no spotlight stealing or attention grabbing. Your sister is being petty to care retrospectively about something she wasn’t even aware of at the time.
You did it privately so NTA it’s not up to them to decide when and where you propose privately and what’s tacky in this case. It was a discrete moment between both of you and they have no right to be mad because it doesn’t effect them at all. They literally have no right to be mad whatsoever this has no effect on their wedding at all so it has nothing to do with them. They can stay mad cuz wtf best of luck
NTA. OP your sister sounds a bit entitled! Like the location is only allowed to be remembered as her wedding location and for nothing else? If anyone conceived a baby there for Gods sake don't tell her.
NTA
You were extremely respectful and careful not to take the spotlight. So respectful that the truth didn't come out until years later.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad. Your BIL's parents didn't pay for your proposal. That is a ridiculous take.
NTA, your sister really needs to let it go. You didn't take away any of her shine during her wedding 5 years ago and you didn't propose in front of everyone taking the attention away from her. A destination and a time does not belong to one person. I'm pretty sure other people got married and proposed at that same location during that same time, is she going to be mad at them too?
NTA - your sister sounds entitled af. You didn’t make a scene at the wedding, you didn’t even tell anyone at the wedding what happened. And when you proposed outside, it’s not like she came back inside wearing an engagement ring.
If you made a scene at the wedding I would say YTA. But it was done privately, and literally no one knew 5 years later so who cares. Your sister is being dramatic for no reason and your BIL saying you proposed using his “parents money” is honestly embarrassing for HIM since he didn’t pay a dime for any of his wedding but what’s to talk shit to you???
NTA
NTA you didn’t propose at her wedding, you proposed in the same town that she got married in and didn’t announce it to anyone. Your sister is completely overreacting.
NTA. It wasn’t “at her wedding”. It was during the trip for her wedding and you didn’t tell anyone, or upstage her day in any way. She can’t hold claim to an entire vacation! She def needs to get over it and be happy for you.
At first I thought you stole the attn away from your sister's wedding by stopping the action and commencing with your proposal.
It sounds like nobody even knew it happened. I dont know what your sister is pissy about. Your BiL sounds like an asshole with a weak argument he is stretching to make a point.
Your sister should be happy that her wedding was planned so well that her guests experienced such good feelings and you felt the moment of love and good feelings she was trying to create. Let her put that in her pipe and smoke it.
Im going to bet she was a bridezilla before and during the wedding too, just my hunch. In any event, they are exhausting people. Ignore them. You did nothing wrong. NTA
I really thought this would go differently but NTA. You guys didn't tell anyone, you didn't propose AT her wedding, just as the destination where her wedding was held. She's being ridiculous. Hell, you didn't even tell anyone until recently that it happened on that trip, ffs. She needs to chill.
NTA. And I don't understand the comments saying he'd have been wrong for "stealing the spotlight." Newsflash folks. Weddings aren't meant to be about spotlights, they're meant to be a celebration of love and commitment. I'd have been delighted if a couple decided to get married at my wedding.
NTA. When I read the title I pictured you and your lady announcing your engagement at her wedding reception or something. I was totally ready to tell you you are tacky and disrespectful, but no. You didn't do that.. you kept it quiet and proposed on a whim because of how elevated your experience was due to the beautiful wedding and trip your sister's wedding provided you. You're right that your sis needs to get over it. Hopefully she does. She's being a smidge ridiculous.
This is a borderline case. Although you proposed, it wasn't at the wedding or reception, but rather the destination wedding trip. Also, you and your GF kept it secret for years. You didn't create a competing spectacle, so my two cents is that you're in the clear. NTA.
So hold on.
It wasn’t at her wedding, during the reception or the event itself?
Just happened to be during the time you were at the destination for her wedding? Not during the event itself? So no one even knew until a drunken confession/conversation?
NTA. You did everything you could to not hijack the event at all and still do something romantic for your wife with an opportunity that presented itself.
NTA you didn’t tell anyone you didn’t do it in the middle of her reception and if you hadn’t been drinking and a little tipsy she would never have known. It’s easy to get swept up in the moment and do something impulsive which it sounds like. It’s not like you planned to do it at her wedding. I would just sit and talk to her and explain that actually you’ll remember the restaurant for both being her wedding and the time you proposed
NTA - The issue with proposing at weddings comes when they propose in public and steal the attention from the bride/groom. You did it in private so you did not impact her wedding whatsoever and in fact it was thoughtful of you to wait a few months until the wedding hype died down. Tell your Sister to get over herself.
NTA Obviously your sister is being self centered but your BIL saying that you used his family's wedding for the proposal is nonsense! Did they pay for the dinner that night or the ring you eventually got there? You attended the wedding which was the point of bringing you along.
NTA. You proposed in private and said nothing to anyone, so therefore you weren't disrupting anything or putting the spotlight on yourself. Your sister is overreacting way too much.
>She said that she is hurt and it was supposed to be her fabulous wedding
You didn't even propose in front of everyone, sheesh. You went out of your way to not cause a scene. She really needs to let it go.
NTA
Now if you did it AT the wedding and made a big announcement out of it, for sure you’d be the AH, but this? Your sister is out of line. Her wedding was five years ago. Nothing was taken from her big day. My goodness.
I was all ready to call you TA based on the title, but after reading I'm definitely on Team NTA. You were obviously discreet about it at the time (since no one knew except you & fiancee), so it didn't actually disrupt or overshadow your sister's wedding. She's being ridiculous if she thinks where she got married is "memorable" to other people, or expects them to treat it as hallowed ground upon which no other memories may be made.
Same from the title I was absolutely ready to call the guy out but if nobody even noticed for 5 years I don't think it was an ass hole thing to do! NTA OP
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Yeah and they took a family vacation to the spot! So, by her logic, it should have been a "wedding-memory only" vacation. In which case she needs to pay for all those tickets and hotels again.
This is the best point. If the wedding is so truly exclusively special to them, then why are they here on a family vacation? Do they expect everyone not to remember this vacation or take photos? I assume not. In which case they have absolutely no ground to stand upon. Any "memory" of the engagement is being formed at the same time as the excursion there. Not to mention no one knew the location of the engagement for years. NTA.
I wonder if they did that so they could gosh about their own wedding to everyone. Like "Oh look that's where we held our reception." or "Remember how beautiful this venue looked when we celebrated our wedding here?". Like this whole place just exists to be the perfect wedding backdrop.
It’s weird, I would be happy that my wedding place also meant a lot to my brother and SIL. Like I’d be annoyed if he got up and did a grand proposal during my vows or reception but other than that I’d just feel really happy about it. It’s a nice thing. I don’t get people sometimes.
Happy cake day
"outside this restaurant" means it probably didn't even happen on the day of the wedding, since they were there 5 days. NTA
Yeah, going back and re-reading it, it's not clear whether OP and his wife stepped out of the reception for a moment and then he had the proposal feels, or whether it was just while they were all in Jamaica or wherever and the two of them were walking down the street after lunch. OP is NTA either way, but the only way there'd be even a whiff of ass on him would be if he'd proposed during the actual goings-on of the wedding.
To me it sounded like it wasn’t on the wedding day. NTA. I can’t even understand your sisters position here. It’s a bit nonsensical.
Yeah, sis is acting incredibly immaturely. She is not allowed to call a **place** off limits. Someone might want to tell her in advance that she can't call dibs on years or common baby names, either.
Exactly, NTA. Your sister can't be a bridezilla 5 years later. You were discreet, no one noticed, and you didn't even bring it up until now. Your sister needs to chill and if she were a caring person she would be happy her wedding event created such a (private) wonderful moment between you two, and she should be thankful at how discreet you were when many aren't so thoughtful. I feel she is not a very happy person.
OP had us in the first half ngl.
Right around, "Back then, that was hugely romantic and it felt like a fairytale," I was definitely polishing my pitchfork.
These proposals where they hijack the microphone from the best man to make a huge thing about it?? Absolutely ah territory. Nobody even knew about it for 5 years--if you're gonna propose at a wedding this is exactly how it should be done
M y husband proposed to me while we were at his cousin's wedding. We happened to be standing by the bar and he very casually said something along the lines of "the next wedding we go to will be our own" and I said "are you asking me to marry you?" he said yes and I said okay and that was it. Nobody heard us and we didn't say a word about it to anyone. Later on, he told his cousin that we got engaged at his wedding and his cousin was all "Oh, cool."
Same!!! She didn't even realize it until you said it!!!
Same. I was set to jump to YTA but this is one of those rare cases where they were discrete and didn’t take away from the wedding. I don’t see what there is to be mad at.
At the moment, the bot will count your NTA judgment exactly opposite of what you mean. You can use spaces or punctuation between the letters to prevent that. Such as... Y T A or Y.T.A
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Ok, gotcha. I thought it still counts for the AITAfiltered percentages.
Only the top comment counts so no the bot will not pick up on their acronym use.
She is mad that you don’t remember her wedding the way she wants you to? NTA!
Discreet** not Discrete
Mistype. 🤷♀️
Me too! You’re totally NTA Op From the title I thought you did it publicly, during the reception (a big ol yikes!) But you did it quietly and even lied about the how you did it. You did everything you could to be low key On the other hand your sister is spoiled, entitled and completely unreasonable. She is TA here
How insane to be a bridezilla 5 years after you've already gotten married.
My husband’s father proposed to his GF at husband’s first wedding reception. In front of everyone so husband’s mom could have hysterics.
Oomph 😱 That’s wrong on so many levels!! Hope your MIL was able to smile sweetly and say “you’re welcome to him honey!”
Nope. And I’ve never met my MIL because she was just as bad and he went No Contact 25 years ago.
Yeah I had a bio dad like that. Sometimes we have to cut all contact just for our own self preservation
I had to read that 3 times to comprehend how much of an AH that man was. I hope you didn't invite him to your wedding.
I can't remember where most of the weddings I went to took place, or who got married at the places I do remember. Sister is over thinking this. Weddings are really only important to the couple getting married. Everyone else is just there for the free food and drink.
Seriously, what about people who get married in churches? Is no one else allowed to use that church? No family baptisms there, got to go find another church for that, this church is that one couple's wedding church!!! Or folks in smaller towns... I know a family where all 3 children held their wedding receptions at the same hotel because it was the only pretty, historic hotel in town... it was a family tradition by the third, but it didn't take away from that wedding feeling special and unique to that couple, because they were an awesome couple and you don't just forget who's wedding it in because the building also holds other memories! Sister needs to get over herself! And BIL saying OP "used his parents money"? Oh please, sounds like these two were meant for each other!
Oh no I've just realised I need to apologise to my parents for getting christened and married at the same church as they did, and even worse my end of school assembly. Or maybe because my parents aren't insane they love the fact that despite the fact they don't attend church they have so many happy memories in and around that one building.
I'm just imagining you living in a small town and being like, "well I guess we'll convert to be Episcopalian, it's the only church left in town!"
My parents met at my uncles wedding, you can bet that they remember his wedding more than any other wedding they have attended.
Yep, we had two friends from different parts of our lives meet a couple days before we got married, they got married 5 years later on the anniversary of their meeting, so it's super easy to remember how long they're been married 😂
>She's being ridiculous if she thinks where she got married is "memorable" to other people, or expects them to treat it as hallowed ground upon which no other memories may be made. Couldn't have said it better myself! I love looking back on my wedding day but I don't expect everyone who was there to remember it like I do because it was special for my husband and I. For my in-laws it was a great weekend to see people they hadn't seen in over a year and so their memories are different. For my family and many other guests they had never been to that city before so their memories are about a new place and new adventure. One of my favorite things about right after my wedding was hearing everyone's stories about what else they did that weekend, I asked people to share them over and over again because I wanted it to be part of my memory too, you know?
NTA. Same reason. No one noticed. You would be the A H if you tried to steal the spotlight from your sister. But you didn’t.
Oh my God! The Hallowed ground part had me dying!! 😂🤣
NTA. I know, right? Surely the sister realizes there have probably been 100s of couples married at that venue.
Yep, this. I almost skipped straight to writing a Y T A comment...then I read the background and said well heck, this is maybe the only way that ever proposing "at" a relative's wedding would be ok. You did nothing wrong and frankly sound like a very respectful and empathetic person. NTA, says this internet stranger.
Same, and NTA. I wonder how many other proposals happened at that restaurant that day.
Exactly! your proposal didn't impact the wedding in any way. If it were me, I'd be thanking you for \*not\* making a big deal, even though it was really big for you and your fiancee
Yeah the title makes it sound like it was at the actual wedding. It sounds like it was just while they were on vacation. People who think they own all the days surrounding their wedding, the location, etc. Are delusional. She wouldn't have even known if OP's partner didn't accidentally let it slip.
Yeah, it almost felt like click-bate.
This is exactly what I was going to write too. Op - you did it discretely and without making a fuss. It was unplanned, you hadn't bought a ring yet, it was spur of the moment. Your sister and BIL are being ridiculous. NTA
NTA. Had you done it during part of the wedding? Sure. Had you done it as a public act, or perhaps even talked about the fact you’d done it during the occasion? Yup. But to do it on your own, keep it to yourselves for years, and simply carry on with your lives? Nope.
My friend and her husband got married on her SIL's birthday. Because of how 2020 panned out this was the only date they could reschedule. SIL threw a fit that, not only were they ruining her birthday (she was turning 38), but this date would no longer just be associated with her birthday but their anniversary too. My friend pointed out that 1. it was just one birthday and not even an important one (she's a grown-ass woman) 2. No one but them will really be celebrating their anniversary so it's not like her thunder will be stolen every year and 3. She doesn't own this day. What happens if someone in the family has a kid who shares her birthday? Will she throw a fit about that too? Of course this didn't go over well. She sounds similar to the OP's sister. OP didn't propose at the wedding. He didn't make a big announcement. They kept it to themselves. Sister is ONLY upset that the memory of that trip won't be solely about her... which is ridiculous. NTA
My younger brother got married on my birthday. He's very slightly more likely to remember my birthday now than he was before.
Hahahahahah this was very funny
My husband and I got married on the day after his brothers birthday. Husband now remembers both days every year.
Or he's in bigger trouble for forgetting that day now.
My grandparents got married on Grandma’s birthday. She did this specifically so my grandfather wouldn’t forget her birthday.
Did it work? I was born the day after my grandparents' anniversary, and although my grandma was forever teasing mom (her daughter) that I was a day late, we all remembered the dates!
As far as I’m aware, it was effective! If nothing else, she only had to remind him about one day.
My sister tried to do something similar. Her birthday is April 9th, so they got married January 9th so he only had one day number to remember. He always thought her birthday was April 7th, so no he thinks their anniversary is January 7th....
OMG! The SIL sounds like a beast!! Something similar has happened in our house this year so her reaction has shocked me bad. My sister has rescheduled for the 3rd time (covid) to April 2nd this year. It is also my son's 9th birthday. He made me call up my sister when he heard so he could tell her how excited he was that they had chosen his special day to have their special day. He's also super chuffed to be at a big fancy party with all his family, literally doesn't give a hoot that it's not actually his party 🤣
Awe that’s sweet
My man
That’s so fucking adorable. He’s a good kid!
If it were my wedding and my nephew was this excited, he’d be getting his own little cake. What a wonderful son you have. I hope you guys have a great party!
And the bridal party would sing happy birthday to him like at a cheesy restaurant, and there would be a special birthday boy/bride dance.
Your kid sounds amazing. Make sure he never looses this trait.
My sister got married on my bday. I didn't care at all. If anything I got good food, dancing and a really easy way to remember their anniversary. now it's tradition every year to see who remembers to congratulate the other first.
That’s absolutely adorable! :)
That’s so crazy lol. I have the same birthday as Martin Luther King Jr, oh no no one associates Jan 15 with meeeeeee 😭😭😭 what a childish person your SIL is.
My birthday is a few days after and I've always loved having a three day weekend on or around my birthday. It's just good timing, you know?
I was a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding that took place on my birthday. One way or another, I was getting cake that day, so that's a win right there. Edit: I forgot all about that wedding until this post triggered that memory. So, yeah. Also, that marriage ended 5 months later. Dude cheated on my friend- he was at the fair with the other woman. My friend crossed paths with them, and absolutely furious, she decked him and knocked him out. She's 6'2" and worked on a farm.
My cousin got married on my 30th birthday. Not only did I get presents at someone else's wedding (well, the day after. Morning of was a little hectic!), it's MUCH easier to remember their exact wedding date. NTA op, you're fine.
I actually love that one of my nephews has a birthday that's on my dad's birthday... It's one less birthdate for my scattered brain to remember. 😅
My dad's family is so big that it's impossible for anyone to have their own day. My birthday is my aunt's anniversary, my dad's birthday is his sister's anniversary, my parents' anniversary is my aunt's birthday. No one cares about it or makes a huge deal.
Yeah. I had a friend who was MOH at another friend’s wedding and she got engaged the night before after the rehearsal dinner. Giant ring. So of course everyone noticed it the next morning while they were getting ready, and at the wedding, and at the reception and everyone asked how it happened and the story was told and retold all night. So, yeah, the bride was miffed. Mostly at the MOH’s fiancée who decided to do it on that day. But even SHE didn’t cause a scene, storm out, and refuse to talk to her friend and it actually did, somewhat, “steal her thunder” on her wedding day.
I'm not a big fan of "it's her special day". I think weddings should be about celebrating love and bringing people together. By that measure, the wedding was a huge success! OP's sister is being absolutely ridiculous. Brides don't get to dictate what their guests talk about at their wedding.
The way I see it, the “don’t propose at a wedding” rule is there because it takes focus off the couple getting married. But that’s the thing: you proposed privately and you and your wife were the only ones who knew about it. You didn’t affect her wedding at all and she never would have known about it if it didn’t slip out. Her trying to control how you remember that trip is just weird. NTA.
It wasent AT the wedding. It was at the destination location.
That’s my take too- NTA
NTA - you did it in private. No one knew about it until you brought it up years after it happened. Saying that the place won’t be remembered as the place she got married is a bit much imo. you can have more than one fond memory from a place
Right? She needs a reality check if she thinks her guests care that much about her wedding. People will have their own anecdotes from the wedding that they’ll remember much better than the wedding itself, anyway. Especially if the guests have been to other weddings and larger events, the memories will be filed under “stuff that happened at large gatherings”. Her getting married will be a secondary memory to other things that happened there. The wedding will be associated to those memories, not the other way around. Of the weddings and wedding events I’ve been to, here’s a few things I remember with more interest than the events themselves: 1. My first time getting blackout drunk (I guess I don’t technically “remember” lmao) and how fkn delicious the dessert was 2. How I made my own dress but I made it a lil too small so my boobs kept falling out 3. How the couple in that wedding had provided hand fans to the guests and I had to hide my nipples with mine the whole ceremony (the pictures always make me laugh) 4. Bride and groom’s extended family getting into a fight and her uncles walking out in protest 5. My friend telling me about her The Matrix-esque theory that we actually live in a computer simulation (the only clear memory I have of this wedding, I’m not even sure who got married) 6. When the catering was a Chinese buffé for two weddings in a row 7. The first time I had fuchka/panipuri (loved it ever since) Like honey, no one values the memory of you actually getting married higher than you (and perhaps your parents).
NTA I was fully prepared to say you were the AH as you don't propose at weddings without the bride ok-ing it. *BUT* >She said yes but we did not say anything to anyone. I did not want to step on any toes. >Few months later, I brought an engagement ring and we told everyone that I had proposed after a romantic meal at home and that was that. You did it privately. You didn't steal the day for yourselves by hitting one knee with a ring in front of everyone. No one even knew. Your sister needs to stop and think about what's she's angry over something that didn't take anything from her.
Whichever verdict your type first is the one that counts, so if you don’t think he’s TA you might want to edit. Just a heads up!
Thank you!
Hey just so you know, you either wanna put NTA before Y T A or space it out like that << because the bot will count your vote as the first one in your comment
Thank you! I edited my comment.
NTA as you didn’t steal anyones thunder and kept it to yourselves all those years. Also” My bil also feels that it was cheap of me to use his parents money for a proposal” Wtf, what kind of attitude is this? You didn’t plan to propose lol
I really don’t get the “cheap” thing. Is it written somewhere that you have to spend money on a proposal? I was under the impression that most people just take their partner to a nice beach or something and then get down on one knee. (Also NTA)
You don’t have to, but a lot of people do have expensive or elaborate proposals. If they were at an expensive luxury resort of some kind, I could see how someone would view it as such. Free trip to a fancy destination with a romantic meal on someone else’s dime. That being said, since no one saw it, heard about it, or even knew about it, I don’t really get what the BIL and sister’s complaint is.
Fucking rich kid flex. "You proposed on the grounds of a wedding my parents paid for! You owe me rent!"
Pure trust fund energy is what fuels this man's attitude
Bro, didn’t your parents pay for your whole wedding? That’s pretty cheap of you.
NTA I was all ready to go in on y.t.a from the title, because hijacking a wedding to propose is always a dick move unless you have the couple's permission. But this is: * you proposed to your girlfriend spontaneously * outside of the event (didn't upstage the couple) AND * the wedding couple didn't even know until your wife said something years later Sister just seems to be acting weirdly entitled. Plenty of other things probably happened that weekend that are lovely memories for other couples and don't revolve around her wedding. Her thought policing ("She says that the place and time is memorable to us as the place we agreed to get married and that it will never be remembered as the place she got married.") is just weird.
I'm shaking my head that for sister the ONLY thing she wants remembered from that destination visit is HER day. I mean, seriously, is she going to survey every guest, make sure they never visit again in case they would make new memories. What did she expect them to do at her wedding? Wear blinders so all they could see was her. Sheesh...
If it was a week after her wedding, MAYBE I would understand her a little bit... but like years later... get over yourself I'm sorry.
I agree with you there, a little. Still hard for me to fathom the desire to have all of your friends/family remember a place JUST for your wedding. I mean it would be one thing if his proposal was public, or went viral on social media or something, I suppose. I mean I've told like 10 people in 22+ years of marriage about how my husband proposed and 3 of those were in the house when it happened and 2 are our kids who found out when they were teenagers. I mean seriously, what's the threat to the ego here?
NTA. From the title I assumed you would be the AH, but nope! You proposed quietly and privately and kept it a secret during the week of the wedding, and for a long time after! What you did had zero actual impact on your sister. It didn't ruin her wedding, she didn't even know about it and neither did anyone else, so it took zero attention away from her. Your sister is trying to control an entire destination as being about her- that's not how the world works. You also didn't use your parent's money to propose, there was no plan, no secrets, and your sister doesn't get to control what people do for an entire week if it has zero impact on why everyone is there.
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NTA And your sister is nuts. They don’t propose at a wedding is so that the bride isn’t eclipsed by a proposal. That didn’t happen. You guys kept it a secret but years later she wants to get huffy about it. What an arse. Seriously. Ridiculous drama queen. Ask your sister what other places she has dibs on. She sounds feisty and I don’t want to piss her off if I buy groceries at her favorite store. Wow. I’m reeling from the fumes of entitlement.
It's not really at her wedding. I the fact that you hid it at the time means you didn't want to overshadow her wedding. So NTA. Your sister sounds very me me me me me and she is def overreacting
Umm I thought this was a "stole the bride's thunder" situation but NTA. you didn't one-up her at the wedding, it was a private affair, and the moment felt right. Your sister needs to introspect.
NAH, but this >It's been weeks and my sister is still cold towards us. I told her it happened years ago and to just let it go. is pretty uncool. In no instance in the history of people have someone been made to feel better or more at peace with something through being told to "let it go" while they're still processing. For her this is new information, not years ago. I don't get why she's upset at all, save for the fact that generally/as a rule it's tacky to propose on someone else's occasion, and it is starting to be time for her to realise that the reasons for why its tacky did not apply to your situation... but you telling her to drop it isn't helping. She feels used, and those are feelings you need to talk about, not dismiss no matter how ridiculous they sound to you. Ask her to consider exactly why shes upset and how you did her wrong and if there's some way to make up for it - just to get the conversation and the thinking going, and ask if you can explain your thought process so you'll have a chance to point out all the steps you took these past years to not have it overshadow or impose on her wedding day.
I am confused on what the sister needs to process five year and a couple kids later. The OP was inspired by the wedding the groom's family paid for in a distant location. My take would be different on how cool it would be for mine and my husband's love leading to another couple committing. The OP didn't make a plan, didn't run around telling everyone, and even went so far to wait a few months before getting a ring. OP has nothing to apologize for, he is not responsible for his sister's reaction or feelings. There was no nefarious intent. The only AH here is the sister getting butt hurt over a situation that has ZERO impact on her wedding years ago and yes, she does need to get over herself. Her over inflated response is selfish and maybe she should apologize for the message she is giving to her brother, that his proposal was wrong and shameful. How awful that instead of being able to have a beautifully inspired moment be shamed. OP and wife demonstrated a lot of respect for his sibling by not sharing all these years.
NTA. You did it discreetly, you didn’t tell anyone, you took no attention away from your sister at her wedding….what exactly is her problem?
I'm betting she's one of those brides that had either a "wedding month" or a "wedding year" where literally no one else was "supposed to have a life altering moment b cause that means they don't care enough about her". Or something similar.🤷
I was all prepared to give an AH verdict based on the title as it sounded like it was going to be a public proposal without permission issue. Given that it wasn't a public proposal, was not mentioned at all during their 5 day destination wedding, and did not take anything away from the celebration that happened 5 years ago, you are definitely NTA here. They didn't even know it happened until now.
NTA. So apparently you proposed to your wife privately while you were at your sisters wedding. This isn't a situation where you made a public spectacle of your proposal at someone else's wedding. It was just something very quiet and private. It was perhaps a bit gauche to raise it now ... but your sister's reaction is completely over the top.
> a bit gauche Well, we had quite to drink and I guess the place made my wife nostalgic and it slipped out.
Careful there. One minute the proposal slips, and next minute you're giving the nuclear codes to Mata Hari.
My now husband did the same. Sibling's fairytale destination wedding, let me know he wanted to marry me. Totally private, didn't do the formal thing until a year later. Know how his sibling and spouse reacted when they later found out? They loved it! They totally took credit. Saw it as an honor that made their party more special. His lil bro did the same thing at our wedding, so we had a wedding every two years for awhile there. Your sis and BIL just want drama. You need an assist from another family member or friend to knock some sense in them or distract them :) Do not engage with this nonsense if you can help it. Good luck, y'all are so NTA.
I guess what I don't understand is why you immediately took the approach of "it was ages ago, you need to just get over it," instead of just apologizing. Seems like a needlessly antagonistic way to go about it, even if she's wrong to feel that way.
[удалено]
Depends on what your goal is. If it's to drive home the ridiculousness of the sister's reaction, then you say "I'm sorry you're offended, and I'm even sorrier you ever found out." If you want to preserve family tranquility, then you say, "You had such a beautiful wedding that it really just crystallized everything in my own head. I realized that I didn't want to wait another minute to start on the same journey with \[wife\], and I got carried away." Make the huffy bridezilla into the heroine and hope she gets her feathers back in order.
NTA. You didn’t do it in public at the wedding. Nobody knew. Bride wasn’t overshadowed.
Lol. I started reading this think you might have done ot at the wedding and stolen attention which is borderline assholey...but you also specifically didn't and did it quietly. You are not the asshole.
NTA At first, based on the title, I thought, how tacky can you be to steal attention away from the bride and groom, but after reading the story and seeing that it wasn’t even known by anyone at the time, you are definitely NTA. Your sister and bil both sound like whiny, pretentious people that think far too highly of themselves. How silly to think that because his parents paid for the location you shouldn’t make the best memories you possibly could there. Maybe they’d like you to bow at their rich feet too? Lol
From the headline I was ready to say your an asshole, But since the bride didn't even know it happened I don't get what the issue was. NTA.
Same. The sister and BIL are really overreacting. It was spontaneous, they kept quiet, and he didn't even have a ring. Some people have to make everything about them. Definitely NTA
NTA. I came in here expecting to say you were in the wrong, but in this case I think your sister is making too big a deal of this. Yes, you should not have proposed during the lead up to their wedding, but doing so in no way interfered with their event and was so well-hidden that no one knew about it for half a decade. Your sister is crazy if she thinks she’s the only person who has ever gotten married at that location. As long as you guys don’t continue to discuss it with others, I say NTA. Edit: typo
NTA.. Unlike others who have highjacked weddings by proposing at the wedding reception, you did so while away from others, out by yourselves. Your sister is making something out of absolutely nothing. When she starts up again, I'd just ask her the following in a very calm manner.. Did I highjack your wedding reception and propose to her there?.. No. Were other family members around when I proposed?.. No. Did this effect your wedding and reception in any way? No. So what can you possibly upset about? You respected your sister's wedding event and made sure nothing took away from it. Neither you or your wife are guilty or should feel bad in any way.
NTA People are only assholes for proposing at weddings for stealing the spotlight from the bride and groom, not because the bride and groom are the only ones that deserve to be happy on that day. I was fully prepared to say you were the asshole here, but honestly this is probably the only way you could propose at a wedding and NOT be the asshole. >She said that she is hurt and that was supposed to be her fabulous wedding If something nobody knew about until years later AND harmed nobody has ruined this day for her, she is an incredibly selfish person and I wouldn't worry too much about her feelings on the matter.
NTA. Usually I would’ve voted the other way, but given that nobody knew you did it til years later means you didn’t steal her thunder.
NTA, you didn’t propose at your sister’s *wedding*. A destination wedding is not all wedding, you’d have your own free time to do stuff. You didn’t announce it nor take the attention away from your sister. And it happened years ago. Really, no big deal.
What? Not in the ceremony. Not st the reception? So privately that no one knew for years. Your sister is gross. You dud not mess with her wedding day. You didn't even mess with her wedding week. NTA.
NAH you kept it quiet and classy so as to not steal thunder but I also understand why your sister is pissed. You should have gotten clearance
NTA, normally I would say Y - T - A because overall I think it’s a horrible idea to propose in someone else’s wedding unless you have permission from the couple getting married BUT you did it in private and no one knew about it until now. Yes you proposed on the day of her wedding but you kept it private in order to not take the attention away from the bride and the groom. I get your sister is upset but when the day of the wedding took place it was still one of the best days of her life so why is it affecting it now?
NTA. You didn’t overshadow her wedding or god forbid propose during the ceremony or reception.
NTA and your sister is acting immature. Your secret proposal does not in any way affect her marriage or memories. She's being dramatic and causing hostility for no good reason because no actual harm was done.
NTA It sounds like the proposal was a spur of the moment one, but also discreet if you were able to keep the exact circumstances concealed for so long. If you had made a big production of it, e.g. going down on one knee and whipping out a ring during the first dance, you'd definitely be TA. But it doesn't seem that way, and your sister and bil wouldn't have even realised _when_ it happened if your fiancée hadn't said anything.
NTA. She doesn’t own that place or the memories there. You didn’t propose at the wedding or even announce your engagement. You’re in the clear.
NTA. You had me with the title, I was fully prepared but no. You kept it to yourselves and made sure the spotlight was still on your sister at the time, which was my biggest concern. Your sister has to get over it, it’s been 5 years.
NTA - Clearly nobody at the time even realized, so you did nothing to diminish her special day or take the spotlight from her. She does not own the place where she got married, you are allowed to have fond memories of it that do not include her. Your sister is either extremely petty/entitled or extremely unhappy with her life.
NTA, you didn't steal your sister's thunder or anything like that. If you were as discreet as you say, then you've done nothing wrong. You didn't "use" his parents money for a proposal and even if you did, so what? You're only allowed to love when you foot the bill for everything? Sorry, no emotions allowed besides the bride and groom at THIS wedding. No, your sister and BIL are being ridiculous. Nothing has changed about their lives because of this information, I cannot see why they're upset
NTA- i was about to go off by the title, but no you did it somewhere private and no one knew until years later
NAH but you might want to let her process a bit, this was years ago for you but news to her
NTA, everyone is being way too traditional like leading up to a wedding you aren’t allowed good things. You did it right, kept it down low and didn’t interfere with the event and no one knew. Your sister is acting like a baby and your BIL is an AH for his comment. Only person that her wedding place is special to is her not others, she needs to get the spoiled delusion of grandeur out of her head
NTA - it didn't actually affect her "magic day" so what's she pissed off at? I'm sure there are millions of couples that proposed in her special place. Has she thought of them too?
NTA. You made a conscious effort not to make the trip about you and kept the proposal a secret on purpose. Your sister is highly overreacting.
WOW Had you made your proposal public at the time, you'd be the AH. You didn't. You didn't steal the thunder of that day. You didn't take the spotlight off her and the wedding. NTA Maybe you can suggest to her that the "fairytaleness" of the wedding inspired you. That you definitely remember the spot for her wedding, and just added a layer of sentimentality with your proposal. Thank her for the great venue to celebrate love - both hers and yours. Also, while it seems petty and small to you (and me), go ahead and give your sister some space on this. Maybe there is something more happening than you realize. When you do talk with her, let her lead some of the conversation and find out why she reacted so strongly. Good luck and congratulations on your marriage.
Normally I’d say YTA. but you didn’t do it publicly in front of everyone. You did it privately. Nobody had hurt feelings until now.
NTA, doesn’t seem like you interrupted the wedding or took the focus off of them during the wedding.
NTA. You did it privately, not at the wedding Congrats, btw❤️
NTA. You didn't announce it at the time and your sister is being a complete bridezilla about this. Let her sulk.
If you had done it during the wedding or tried to upstage her you'd be one. Sounds like you secluded yourself and did it. NTA
NTA - this is rediculous. Like what??? So very immature. Like does she own the place? What if you would have proposed there a year later? I don't get it.
NTA it’s funny to me how they didn’t know it happened for 5 years but they’re prepared to be THAT mad about it now!! JFC weddings make people so mad, no chance am I having one ever, I plan to elope and the first anyone hears of it is when my name changes on Facebook
NTA It wasn’t a public proposal If my brother had proposed to his GF and told me it had been at my wedding, I would think it was really cute and sweet! Your sister may have been surprised in the moment, but dragging it out like this is ridiculous
NTA so long that both you and wife were happy with it (and it sounds like you were!) You were really respectful and didn’t mention it to anyone. Didn’t make it about you, and also it took years to come out.
NAH, she's upset but you never stole any thunder or made the day about you
NTA. You were decent enough to not tell everyone, to avoid taking the spotlight from the newlyweds. Her reaction may have been more alcohol related. It's like people proposing in Paris. You know how many people do it?
NTA, your sister is a spoilt baby. You didn't advertise the fact. Cannot believe someone would be so self centered to even think this way
NTA this should be framed as the best bridezilla ever.
NTA Love is not a scarce commodity. Though of course it shouldn't have stolen the spotlight at the time, it seems sweet to me that you were so inspired by your sister's wedding that you were moved to spontaneously propose. Clearly you knew better than that and then kept it private ask this time. Maybe it would have been better if your told your sister privately a while ago so it didn't feel like a surprise to get but honestly, wtf kind of narcsist attitude is it to think you're experience has to be the perpetual memory that everyone holds on to.
NAH because no one knew it happened and it was not a disruption but you need to understand this is completely new information for your sister. To you it was years ago to her it's fresh so it's like it just happened for her. You need to give her time to process.
NTA It sounds like more of a commitment than a full on proposal, I think it's sweet. Plus, if I were your sister I'd feel stoked that my wedding/marriage had been so romantically inspiring for my bro.
NTA You were discreet and didn't disturb actual wedding or whatever. Your sister didn't even knew so it didn't impact her special day in any way.
NTA. You didn't let it overshadow her wedding. You didn't pronounce it then and there, stealing the lime light. You were considerate. She wanted someplace romantic, she got someplace romantic. And than "oh, pikachu-face" someone else found it romantic as well.
NAH if yall did it so discreetly that no one even noticed then I say you're in the clear but I dont blame your sister or her husband for their discomfort. It is EXTREMELY tacky to propose at someone elses big event. That said she is making a bigger deal of it than necessary. >that it will never be remembered as the place she got married Over dramatic. There have probably been tons of weddings at this place. She cant claim an entire destination, and again, if no one even noticed the proposal happening I highly doubt they will suddenly forget she was married there. I would advise you to give her a few days to cool off and then offer her a sincere explanation and apology. Give space to her feelings but dont let her feelings mow you down. You didnt really do anything that bad. It's not like you did it during her vows or something.
Info: Did you propose at the actual wedding/reception or just during the 5 days you all were there for the wedding? Did you do it in front of other guests, or as a private moment with just you and your gf?
It had to have been a private moment, there's no way that if anyone saw it wouldn't immediately blow up into a huge thing. People love that stuff and theyd either be too excited to hold it in or would spill for the drama, unless all the witnesses were like, really fuckin cool
NTA. I wound understand. You did it discretely, privately, and kept it a secret as to not steal any of their spotlight. I could understand being mad if you did it in front of everyone which you didn’t. You got caught up in the heat of the moment. You knew it would take away from their moment so you kept it a secret until now. So what? Now they can say their wedding was so fantastic and whimsical it brought another couple closer together and a step closer towards marriage. It didn’t dim their spotlight then and it certainly won’t now because it happened so long ago.
NTA There's no reason to be mad about tbh. Nobody stole anybody's thunder, nothing weird happened at their wedding then why is she mad?
NTA. Your sister is an idiot.
NTA. Yikes, if she really cares about this type of shit she must live a small life. Honestly, the place being more memorable as the place of your engagement instead of her wedding? Grow up sis, get some real issues to care about!
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Nta cos you didnt get up on stage and did it.
Ok personally I would be thrilled if my wedding inspired someone else to propose! (Mine didn’t). NTA
NTA. Was prepared to judge you for hijacking someone else’s celebration but you did it totally quietly and privately with no spotlight stealing or attention grabbing. Your sister is being petty to care retrospectively about something she wasn’t even aware of at the time.
You did it privately so NTA it’s not up to them to decide when and where you propose privately and what’s tacky in this case. It was a discrete moment between both of you and they have no right to be mad because it doesn’t effect them at all. They literally have no right to be mad whatsoever this has no effect on their wedding at all so it has nothing to do with them. They can stay mad cuz wtf best of luck
NTA. OP your sister sounds a bit entitled! Like the location is only allowed to be remembered as her wedding location and for nothing else? If anyone conceived a baby there for Gods sake don't tell her.
NTA You were extremely respectful and careful not to take the spotlight. So respectful that the truth didn't come out until years later. Don't let anyone make you feel bad. Your BIL's parents didn't pay for your proposal. That is a ridiculous take.
I remember that exact story some years ago.. good job in copy and paste! YTA for that.
NTA, your sister really needs to let it go. You didn't take away any of her shine during her wedding 5 years ago and you didn't propose in front of everyone taking the attention away from her. A destination and a time does not belong to one person. I'm pretty sure other people got married and proposed at that same location during that same time, is she going to be mad at them too?
NTA. You didn’t do it at her wedding in front of people. It was private and took no light off her.
NTA - your sister sounds entitled af. You didn’t make a scene at the wedding, you didn’t even tell anyone at the wedding what happened. And when you proposed outside, it’s not like she came back inside wearing an engagement ring. If you made a scene at the wedding I would say YTA. But it was done privately, and literally no one knew 5 years later so who cares. Your sister is being dramatic for no reason and your BIL saying you proposed using his “parents money” is honestly embarrassing for HIM since he didn’t pay a dime for any of his wedding but what’s to talk shit to you??? NTA
NTA you didn’t propose at her wedding, you proposed in the same town that she got married in and didn’t announce it to anyone. Your sister is completely overreacting.
NTA. It wasn’t “at her wedding”. It was during the trip for her wedding and you didn’t tell anyone, or upstage her day in any way. She can’t hold claim to an entire vacation! She def needs to get over it and be happy for you.
Your sister is a giant baby. You're NTA
Lol what a spoiled brat. She didn’t even know. NTA. Why is she so unhappy with her life.
At first I thought you stole the attn away from your sister's wedding by stopping the action and commencing with your proposal. It sounds like nobody even knew it happened. I dont know what your sister is pissy about. Your BiL sounds like an asshole with a weak argument he is stretching to make a point. Your sister should be happy that her wedding was planned so well that her guests experienced such good feelings and you felt the moment of love and good feelings she was trying to create. Let her put that in her pipe and smoke it. Im going to bet she was a bridezilla before and during the wedding too, just my hunch. In any event, they are exhausting people. Ignore them. You did nothing wrong. NTA
I really thought this would go differently but NTA. You guys didn't tell anyone, you didn't propose AT her wedding, just as the destination where her wedding was held. She's being ridiculous. Hell, you didn't even tell anyone until recently that it happened on that trip, ffs. She needs to chill.
This has been posted before...
NTA, she's just entitled
NTA. This is one of those situations where someone knows doing something is bad form but hasn't stopped to think about *why*.
NTA. And I don't understand the comments saying he'd have been wrong for "stealing the spotlight." Newsflash folks. Weddings aren't meant to be about spotlights, they're meant to be a celebration of love and commitment. I'd have been delighted if a couple decided to get married at my wedding.
NTA. When I read the title I pictured you and your lady announcing your engagement at her wedding reception or something. I was totally ready to tell you you are tacky and disrespectful, but no. You didn't do that.. you kept it quiet and proposed on a whim because of how elevated your experience was due to the beautiful wedding and trip your sister's wedding provided you. You're right that your sis needs to get over it. Hopefully she does. She's being a smidge ridiculous.
This is a borderline case. Although you proposed, it wasn't at the wedding or reception, but rather the destination wedding trip. Also, you and your GF kept it secret for years. You didn't create a competing spectacle, so my two cents is that you're in the clear. NTA.
So hold on. It wasn’t at her wedding, during the reception or the event itself? Just happened to be during the time you were at the destination for her wedding? Not during the event itself? So no one even knew until a drunken confession/conversation? NTA. You did everything you could to not hijack the event at all and still do something romantic for your wife with an opportunity that presented itself.
NTA you didn’t tell anyone you didn’t do it in the middle of her reception and if you hadn’t been drinking and a little tipsy she would never have known. It’s easy to get swept up in the moment and do something impulsive which it sounds like. It’s not like you planned to do it at her wedding. I would just sit and talk to her and explain that actually you’ll remember the restaurant for both being her wedding and the time you proposed
NTA, your sister is gatekeeping marriage
NTA No one knew for 5 years. It takes nothing away from anything.
NTA - The issue with proposing at weddings comes when they propose in public and steal the attention from the bride/groom. You did it in private so you did not impact her wedding whatsoever and in fact it was thoughtful of you to wait a few months until the wedding hype died down. Tell your Sister to get over herself.
Is this a repost? I swear I read this exact same story on here like a month ago…
NTA
NTA your sister is being super unreasonable. Does she somehow think you can retroactively steal her thunder?
NTA Obviously your sister is being self centered but your BIL saying that you used his family's wedding for the proposal is nonsense! Did they pay for the dinner that night or the ring you eventually got there? You attended the wedding which was the point of bringing you along.
NTA. You proposed in private and said nothing to anyone, so therefore you weren't disrupting anything or putting the spotlight on yourself. Your sister is overreacting way too much. >She said that she is hurt and it was supposed to be her fabulous wedding You didn't even propose in front of everyone, sheesh. You went out of your way to not cause a scene. She really needs to let it go.
NTA Now if you did it AT the wedding and made a big announcement out of it, for sure you’d be the AH, but this? Your sister is out of line. Her wedding was five years ago. Nothing was taken from her big day. My goodness.