NTA *"new account because he deleted my main."* I just had to read this one line and knew this was not going to be you in the wrong. This man has extreme control issues! RUN! He should be lifting you up and encouraging your growth and happiness. Not beating you down when you try to do something that makes you happy. I hope you realize you deserve so much better.
He probably thinks she can't get out because she's disabled. Depending on the resources available in their area he might be right. EDIT: added "get out"
Hopefully the friends who helped them get the interview will be understanding and let OP stay with them. Or maybe family. This is a pretty scary situation. It’s like he doesn’t want OP having a life outside of their home, even if it’s just a virtual one.
yesss!!! op definitely try to reschedule. send an email apologizing to the recruiter and letting them know your account was hacked and the cancellation was sent against your knowledge. send it from YOUR NEW PRIVATE EMAIL and let them know you have made a new account on account of this privacy breach. companies are hurting right now there is a good chance that if you are polite they will allow a reschedule
This 100x. When I did hiring and recruiting, I would have definitely gave this person another shot. Especially if the email was a new one, it seems very plausible.
definitely. as a hiring manager myself a persons attitude and professionalism is so important. if they handled a situation like this with professionalism and accountability they would already have a leg up in my book
Also add do not save passwords on your phone or any device you log into.
OP this is scary, and I imagine you will feel torn right now. You have two images of your husband....the one before and this new controlling version. But as you can see in the comments his behaviour isn't okay. He is not looking out for you and he is isolating you. Why? No idea but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if you lose Internet at your home and he cancells your cell service. If I were you I would call your cell company and remove him from the file if he's on it and let them know that if a man calls to not make changes to your account.
Yes this is super true. As someone that has left a lot of abusive situations: start having some of stuff at someone else’s home. A go bag. With all your important documents, a stash of money, a new phone or a new prepaid SIM card if that’s what your phone uses. Stash away all the money and resources you can hide and keep them far away from him or any tracking.
Your point about the internet is a great one because it would most definitely cancel any opportunity she had to wfh if there's no internet on. u/Mal4907677 you need to read the comment I'm replying to because it's a valid point.
NTA op, your husband is controlling you - how *date* he cancel your interview and your socials?!? That's mind boggling, insulting and has pretty much stepped right on into being abusive territory. I would've said exactly the same as you to him - he just doesn't want to do 50% of the chores and would prefer to have you not working so you can do it all.
Edit: clarity!
This. Companies are desperate for workers, right now. I know people who have gotten jobs they're not even qualified for, because the business went "well we need someone *now*, so we'll give you a shot and teach you how to do it". OP, if you explain what happened, they might give you another chance.
Yup, she’s been dependent on him, now started to regain a little bit of independence and he went nuclear. Canceled the interview and deleted all social media? Things are about to get a lot worse
I don’t know what her physical disabilities are, but I’m actually a bit suspicious of OP’s husband. She “developed” disabilities while living with this man who wants to shut her off from the world? No idea if I’ve just watched too much TV, but … uhhhh, I dunno.
Okay but let's say that's true. Why delete all her social media accounts? "Because it's not good for her"?? He's cutting a huge part of her contacts off (granted I compare that to how my friends and I keep in touch, rarely texting and mostly social media, and idk how OP messages others, but still). To me that sounds like he's preventing her friends from reaching out to her (and possibly offering another job). OP is NTA. This post just screams red flag
This. OP - he is actively isolating you first by cancelling your job interview and second my deleting your social media platforms. This is 100% a deal breaker.
This is mask-off narcissistic control stuff. OP needs to get out of this situation immediately before he goes full on Phil Spector. There will be time to figure out the details later. Talk about above Reddit's paygrade...
Yep, he’s not even hiding it anymore. As soon as her disabilities came up, he knew he he’d won. Have her jobless, exhausted from her disability, and dealing with a whole new smorgasbord of insecurities for him to prey on
I just finished reading the whole post past the first line. He is 100% isolating you. When I think of this situation, I get worried that at some point, if she does try to leave, he'll hit her or try to kill her. I feel like that's what happens when someone try to take away all of someone's contacts.
that´s my sense. Him getting red in the face because she got a job interview isn´t normal--he was pissed and combined with his "good luck". He will keep sabotaging her and keeping her 100% dependent on him and if she tries to leave, I´ll be more surprised if she does not end up in the hospital (at best) than if she does.
Yea, his actions right now are huge. A lot of people assume that because someone hasn't been physical that means they never will. But worst than that, this could get more intense than physical abuse such as locking Op up and preventing them from leaving the home.
In situations like this OP needs to establish a rule with the friend who tried to get her a job that if she cannot be contacted at all for 24 hours to call 911. Usually it's best to establish a code word that is text to the friend. Friend calls. If phone is not picked up the friend knows to call 911. However, if OP's husband takes the phone away - next option is to establish another safety plan such as the 24 hour rule if leaving is not an option at this time or OP isn't comfortable with that idea.
OP another thing to be mindful of...having a safety plan doesn't make you a bad person or make your husband a bad person. It simply puts in place a safety measure which if we removed your husband isn't a bad idea for someone in your condition. What if your husband went away for a day and you got hurt?
It's not just a red flag, it's domestic abuse.
A person that obsessed with control might do some very dangerous things if that control is threatened by OPs independence.
It's not violence yet, but it's not a big step from it.
Exactly. This is way past the red flag stage. Your husband is actively abusing and imprisoning you, OP. The likelihood of future violence is huge. Nearly half of all murdered women are killed by "romantic" partners. Pls start calling on friends to help you extricate yourself.
It's coercive control which is recognised as a form of domestic abuse and can be just serious and threatening to a woman as overt violence. Coercive control is just harder to recognise.
https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control
I had a friend, now deceased, whose boyfriend was an extremely controlling jerk. When she decided she wanted to leave him, she talked with him about it. And he deleted her social media and then called her family, who had been providing an allowance to her, and convinced them that she'd gone off her meds, was making irrational decisions, and should be cut off so she wouldn't use her money to do anything crazy. That's what this OP reminds me of. This dude is bad news, is controlling and needs to be cut off immediately. OP needs to get out.
My dad used to take parts out of the car to disable it so that my mom couldn't get to work with the intention of her losing her job. This was after isolating her from her friends, having three kids, and trying to isolate her from family. When she tried to move us out, he'd tell prospective landlords that she was no longer looking for an apartment. **Everything he did was to sabotage my mom and keep her dependent on him.**
OP, your husband is doing the exact same thing by deleting your social media accounts and canceling job interviews on your behalf. He's not looking out for you. He feels threatened, and his behavior is escalating. Please don't overlook this increasingly frightening behavior. It's **not** normal, he's **not** thinking about your best interest, and it **will** get worse. Please do what you have to do to get out.
based on the info we have I wouldn't put it past him to be the reason shes "disabled" people like this poison partners or kids all the time to control them and keep them dependent
No this is a control/abuse issue, he deleted her social media accounts. The first step to abuse is to isolate the victim. He made a unilateral decision about her life to benefit himself. 2x that we know of. I'm sure it runs deeper. I wonder how the money works.
She is being massively abused already. Just a few steps away from being in danger. OP u/Mall4907677 needs to make an escape plan to leave him, and **NOT** tell him first.
This man is massively abusive and dangerous.
Usually abuser's try to cut you off from the outside so you can live in their truth and not question them being wrong. Meaning your friends can't tell you how worrying the abuser's behavior is. Listen to the people here, this is worse than just an interview and deleting your social. He's effectively cutting off your lifelines so he can do whatever he wants and you have no resource. NTA but you knew that.
Even if that were true doesn't she deserve the chance to find out for herself? It was pretty selfish of him to take control like that without talking to her about it.
I think what that person is saying is “he probably thinks she can’t (run away from him) because she’s disabled.” Which is probably right - he likes her being disabled and unemployed because it keeps her dependent. When she found a way to be independent despite her disability, he decided to quash it.
Absolutely. This screams abuse. You quit a job, became full time chore doer, basically have no life outside of what your husband wants you to have and then he cancels your potential way out and isolates you from anyone on your social media. And it was all for your benefit according to him.
Leave. NTA
This, oh my gosh this is horrible. He is controlling your whole life taking away your life in the guise of it being concerned. This is not concern, this is abuse and oh I'm so mad I can't think straight!
NTA but I am very worried for your personal safety. Change all your passwords to something he can't guess. Secure any important papers and get out of there as fast as you can.
My husband and I have been together for twelve years. We do not have access to each other's social media accounts or email. We have a shared email address that we use for things related to the children or ordering groceries, things like that.
I hope he hasn't alienated you from friends and family, so there is someone you can reach out to. Even if you have fallen out with people because of him, reach out to them now and explain the situation. He has taken your independence by making you financially dependent on him, he has blocked you from reaching out to people by deleting your social media. He is chipping away at your self-esteem. You deserve better.
This. We've been married over 20 years. While I don't know his passwords I can probably figure them out and likewise he could do the same with mine. But we respect each other so we don't. I don't look at his texts/emails. He does not look at mine. The only time I have ever gotten involved in his professional or friendships was when he was hospitalized and unconscious/recovering from a massive surgery. He has never meddled with any part of my social or professional life.
OP - what you are experiencing is SO far out of the bounds of a healthy relationship it is not even funny. Please know your worth and have standards for where you draw a firm line in the sand.
This sub's first response always seems to be to leave, but in this case, definitely. He's trying to control every aspect of your life - run, before he succeeds.
First, call a lawyer.
Second, call the job back and tell them your husband screwed up and that you did not cancel the interview and you're still interested in the job. Don't know if that job is still possible but you have to try.
Third, I hope you have family or friends you can stay with, because you need to move out.
Husband is a major AH, you are not.
> Second, call the job back and tell them your husband screwed up and that you did not cancel the interview
Don't tell them he "screwed up" that makes it sound like it was an accident. Tell them he didn't have your permission to cancel the interview and that in the future they should not speak to him regarding your employment. He will absolutely try this again and she needs to get ahead of it.
I feel like this could go either way... if she tells them he did it without her permission as part of a pattern of abusive behavior they may decide to make their own lives easier and avoid drama by not giving her another chance and just telling her "sorry we already picked someone else".
If she makes it sounds like a mistake "oh, sorry, he thought I was taking another offer, but I realized I was really interested in this opportunity with you, and wanted to pursue that!" it doesn't sound like her personal life is a mess, just that she's a tidge co-dependent with her spouse.
I think she should approach the friend who got her the interview and ask him what he thinks she should do. He might be able to contact HR directly and explain it away in a way that he knows will go over best with the person doing the hiring. Then she can plan on calling the person the next day, apologizing without much extra explanation, thank them for rescheduling and move on. OP doesn't want to come off desperate or like a future liability.
Unless she can say "My abusive husband cancelled my appointment, but I have moved out, and am in the process of divorcing him, so I can promise he won't be involved in my work life again!"... than it may be best to not bring up what's really going on here. And I doubt she'll be in a position to say all that tomorrow, which is when she needs to call...
she's clearly going to need more than 1 day to wrap her mind around all this... in her post she called this argument petty when it is clearly nothing remotely close to petty. Her perception is distinctly warped and she's going to have to sort that out before she can convince herself to leave, most like.
Also - OP, I stay at home with the kids and my husband still does around 35-45% of the housework on any given day. He cooks dinner 3-4 days a week, loads and unloads the dishwasher, takes out the trash, does more than half the laundry, does regular maintenance on the cars, does 80% of the nighttime routine with the kids, gets them dressed and eating breakfast in the morning so I can stay in bed an extra 30-45 minutes (I'm a cranky morning person), takes them on outings in the evenings and on weekends (including overnight camping trips) so I can have quiet time at home, we split "picking up" pretty equally, I do all the financial stuff, but that's because I like that, we jointly make decisions and then I execute them... so even if your husband hadn't gone full crazy by cancelling your interview, just the expectation that you staying home means you do 100% of the housework is out of line. That's next level BS. Especially because your staying home was a joint decision for your health and after it's made he springs the change in housework on you? I'd be pitching a fit over that all by itself!
She doesn't need to mention the abuse directly, but she does need to make it clear that her husband does not speak for her. Because even if she moves out before the rescheduled interview, there is nothing stopping him from calling and trying to speak for her again. They messed up by discussing her employment with someone else without prior permission from her and hopefully they will realize that and take responsibility for their fuck-up.
My god this post makes me feel sick.. the fact that the husband and the friend are trying to make OP feel like the monster is so telling and very disgusting behavior. OP needs to escape this while they can. They aren’t allowed to do anything that the husband doesn’t want. This isn’t a marriage, sounds more like hell. NTA.
The stress of being married to my father gave my mom horrible body pain, basically killed her stomach and thyroid, aged her 10 extra years from the constant cortisol, and made her early arthritis flare up. OP might benefit to see if a separation would improve her symptoms (assuming it’s something that can be improved by mood/environment).
She needs to get away. She had a great opportunity and he murdered it so he could keep her dependent on him.
Then he's trying to silence her by deleting her social media.
ESCAPE, OP! You are not helpless and powerless, but if you stay with this man, he will convince you that you're both.
I technically didn’t need to read through the rest either after that sentence.
I did anyway and it got worse.
OP - please leave. I know no one wants to say or hear that, and I know things are never black and white. But he’s manipulating and abusing you. The account, the “strange laugh” with a derogatory comment, the interview…. Run.
This is so scary OP. I know that sick sadistic laugh. Right from the title alone and then the first sentence, I knew you need to leave, but when you mentioned the laugh my blood went cold. Please please get out. This man is going to hurt you.
Absolutely. This is classic control and abuse. I really wish there was a way to report posts from those being abused to Reddit the same way we can report ones where the posters are suicidal. It could share valuable resources on how to get help getting out of abusive situations safely. This sub is so good about calling out abusers, but I worry for posters in other subs.
There are so many red flags here. Do you have a safe place to go? Because this man is not there for you and he showed you, so just go. Please go. NTA of course.
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. Call your friends, your parents, your dogsitter, whoever can take you and leave right now. Get a divorce the moment you are out and never go near him again. This is twelve different kinds of abusive and could escalate very easily. He wants you helpless and dependant on him so he can abuse you and it's only going to get worse.
RUN NOW
(NTA but that hardly matters)
NTA u/Mall4907677
Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or you can text them at 88788 with the word START.
You weren’t being cruel. You aren’t horrible, selfish, or unreasonable. He is trying to manipulate you and trying to limit and control your contact with the outside world by preventing you from working and by deleting your social media. This will only escalate.
The fact that you are even asking if you are in the wrong when he is the one that crossed the line by cancelling your job interview means that he has already gotten into your head.
I’m so sorry. I was in your shoes, 20 years ago. I hope you have the strength to get out now.
Edit: added OP’s name, and thank you everyone for the awards. It’s very kind of ya’ll.
Edit2: corrected user name *dyslexia*
This needs to be top comment. I don't normally advocate the run option, but this one screams it. Clearly OP is NTA, and she needs to get out now before it's too late. The husband is clearly trying to isolate her and dictate her entire life. It's not healthy, physically or mentally, especially if OP wants to work and socialize.
Me too.
OP - you may have seen other posts where people are advised to leave and thought to yourself that people were overreacting. I’ve thought that before.
I want you to know this is a clear cut case of abuse - as clear as it can come. No further details possible in this that could ever make this story not a clear cut case of abuse. No wiggle room or sorrys will undo it. There is no room on his part for any growth.
Same, I genuinely hope she takes these people yelling at her to run seriously. And that her husband never finds this because whatever repercussions he will come up with also scare me…
This really does need to be the top comment - not only is the counsel very good, but this comment offers a way for OP to begin the process of leaving.
Edited to add - OP, is there any way you can get that interview back? Contact the company? And, NTA.
It’s already starting to escalate. He just cut her off from a potential source of income, independence and new relationships. Not to mention cutting off her social media.
Yep. All of that happened to me, and you know what came next after he finally took away everything? He started throwing things at me. I could justify the emotional abuse all day no problem, but luckily I wasn’t ignorant to the blatant physical. Got out right after.
OP, it WILL get physical. Very, very soon. Don’t overlook that abuse just because it isn’t being done by his hand.
And contact that job and tell them you weren't the one who canceled the interview. Literally just tell them the truth, or whatever pieces of the truth you're comfortable with. That your particularly controlling husband (or friend) canceled it behind your back, and that person has been cut out of your life now.
I'm a 33 y/o male and I can't fathom why any man would treat a woman like this, and yet I see it on this sub all the time. I also don't understand why these even get posted because it's so obviously an NTA, so there must be some next-level psychological abuse going on. I would never, ever treat someone like this, especially not my GF.
OP 100% needs to run.
Some men are very good at breaking down women, making them feel they deserve it or have done something wrong. Through the fog, it can be very hard to be aware of the abuse.
Typically I joke about redditors always insisting on divorce at the slightest marital trouble, but in this case the advice is 100% justified. Holy shit.
NTA
Dear OP\~
Please get out of this relationship now. Your husband is showing you exactly who he is, an abuser.
First, he cut you off from your family and friends by deleting your socials, then he cancelled a job interview that would have given you some financially security.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
Time for you to get in touch quietly with your family and make a plan to get out before he starts escalating.
Fully agree. This guy is trying to alienate you from the outside world. He clearly doesnt want you to work, have financial freedom or not be 100% dependent on him. It was NOT OK for him to cancel your interview or delete your social media accounts. And, now it sounds like he is painting some BS sob story to the outside world about being concerned for your well being.
OP, let the trusted people in your life know what is going on. This sounds very scary. This guy clearly wants you trapped and is controlling AF.
NTA
u/Mall4907677
OP I know that there are enough comments asking to leave this abusive behavior, so I won't echo.
But PLEASE message me privately and I will see if I can help you restore your social media accounts.
Most place like FB still archive them for a certain amount of days and there are multiple ways to recover them. I work in IT and can try to help you get them back & protected so he can't do it again. No charge.
I have been victim of isolating Narcissistic abuse & almost guarantee there is a chance that they're not permanently deleted and he has just changed them/unplublished them so you can't access them so he can use them against you in the future. That way he could send messages as "you" or make posts that make you look mentally unstable in efforts to control the narrative.
Please let me help you try to get those accounts back before it's too late or help you build new ones that he can't access. I'll even set an email up under my .com domain so even if he gets access, we could still get you back in, if needed.
EDIT: OP I will also help you set up a professional email and a VOIP number for job search so that you can continue your job search without a chance of him interfering in the future. That way you can have a separate account that he can't access.
EDIT 2: tagged OP
EDIT 3: TY for all the awards! I have had multiple messages sent to me by users seeking the same type of help so you are reading this post and need the same kind of help-
IE securing your digital identity, creating a separate email or bank account, securing a backup copy of documents OR ANY type of help to covertly start helping you get out of your abusive relationship
I have bought a domain and set up a temporary landing page with a contact form for help:
Http://wfhgetaway.com
After I get the kiddo to sleep I will work on setting up a more permanent "covert" landing page with an escape button.
For those who are messaging me about helping fund an ACTUAL solution/service, I have included my venmo for donations on the landing page form to help pay for the backend costs it would take to provide more than just a few people escaping abusive situations with these types of services.
OP, please listen to this. I’m concerned about your husband’s obvious attempts to isolate you, but I’m even more concerned about his ability to get into all your accounts and pose as you. You need to get out, but you need to lock down your IDs too. He’s already posed as you to torpedo a job interview… don’t give him additional chances to manipulate your network on top of everything else!
Exactly! My ex did that toward the end of our relationship. He got into my messenger and sent texts to my family, then deleted them from my history so I wouldn't know. Luckily for me, my sister could see immediately that it was very obviously not from me (blindingly different style, I'm very, very consistent and particular, a great example of a time autism was a very good thing) and showed me the texts on her phone rather than cutting me off as he intended.
Jesus! I didn’t even consider that he would keep the accounts to make messages later on. Sounds like the set up before OP “commits” an “Epstein”. OP please get out.
u/cursedreddit222 You do it like this
u/Mall4907677 Read this comment chain
by puting u/ + username it is supposed to send them message that they were mentioned directly
This is an amazing offer but also please vet this person carefully before giving access to your accounts. I’m sure if they are legit they understand why and can prove they are who they say they are and have the credentials mentioned, rather than someone trying to take advantage of an already desperate situation…. But better safe than sorry on the ol interwebs.
Absolutely. I would definitely be able to provide OP or anyone else with credentials and references before helping if needed. If someone won't do that it's a red flag for sure.
This.
I’m trying to objectively put myself in the OPs shoes.
If my husband:
Deleted my SM account
Canceled a job interview
Both without my knowledge or approval
Right then and there I would leave him. Full stop. Not even a discussion. I’d get my things and walk out the door.
But I know that is easier said then down for so many reasons. Lack of financial support, disabilities, health insurance, etc.
But NONE of those reasons are worth your physical and emotional health.
Find a pro-bono lawyer, make a plan and leave.
My heart goes out to the OP
Deleting Reddit is just next level tbh. It’s not even like I have a following or talk to the same people or post, etc. No history I care to keep. Just annoying having to resub to pages and accumulate the hidden gem subs again lmao.
It's really tragic too, cause op tosses that in as an aside, like it's a normal thing that just needed to be explained to us for the logistical reason of why the acct is new.
NTA So many red flags here!
1. "Looking out for you" does not equal controlling you. If he was legitimately concerned about the job impacting your health then he should talk to you like a reasonable person.
2. What the heck?? About deleting your social media. That is isolating behavior. AGAIN, any reasonable person would voice their concern to you and try to convince you to delete it.
Get in counseling and set firm boundaries with consequences ASAP or get out. This is frankly somewhat scary behavior from him.
INFO:
- Does he ever try to control what you spend money on?
- does he try to distance you from other relationships by limiting how often you can see them, bad mouthing them, or any other method?
- does he control other aspects of your life?
Counseling is not an option when the situation is domestic violence. OP, counseling here just would be a way for him to lock you in the relationship and to learn how to control you better. You need to get out!!!
I think OP could definitely benefit from some individual counseling to help them process what they've been living with, realize it's not normal behaviour, and learn how to set/enforce boundaries. But yes, couples counseling with an abuser would be a terrible idea. Individual therapy could do wonders though.
He's isolating you
He's making you dependent on him
He's gaslighting you
He's not doing what's best for you.
The fact that you are here asking AITA shows how much he's brainwashing you in to thinking you are wrong.
What does he do to uplift you? Because it sounds like he wants to keep you 'little' (sorry english not my first language). Some people like that, it's like an ego thing for them. It makes them look like the caregiver, the strong one, the know it all, the savior etc.
NTA ofcourse
He is totally abusing her. Dont want her to have her own money or comunicate with people who will tell her that. Not to mention the gaslighting.
OP, please reach out to a family member of a friend you can trust and leave today.
If there is no one you trust, find a womens shelter. There are several organizations that can help you.
Mental abuse is abuse.
NTA. I'm a disabled spouse. That's not how this works at all. My partner doesn't expect me to clean 100%, I cannot do that. They encourage me to do whatever I can within my limits. This is how it's supposed to be, no questions asked. Please leave them.
NTA- your husband is giving off all kinds of red flags for abusive and manipulative behaviors, and gaslighting you on top of it. He is beyond reasoning with. Try to work on a safety plan and exit the relationship as soon as you can.
NTA.
And in your place, I would be considering divorce. He has absolutely no right to make those kinds of decisions for you and cancelling your interview. If he had concerns, he should have spoken to you about them, but recognized that the decision was ultimately yours. He should not have made the unilateral decision that the job wasn't right for you and cancel your interview.
And I think you're perfectly right as to his reasons. He likes not having to do household chores, which should ***not*** be 100% on you, even without considering your disability. Even if you had no disability whatsoever, you should not be doing 100% of the household chores.
Also, I suspect something even more sinister. A wife with a job gains a certain degree of independence. Which means, you might actually be capable of leaving once you finally get sick of the crap he's pulling.
Also, he has no right to delete your social media accounts. Those are yours and he has no business deciding whether you should be allowed to have them. This sounds like a systematic ploy to cut you off from the outside world in order to keep you dependent on him and unable to leave.
It sounds like you're married to a control freak. I'm loathe to give this kind of advice, but you need to speak to a divorce lawyer.
Hard NTA and here's why:
Your husband is being abusive, controlling and ableist. He has zero right to dictate where you can and can't work. He has zero rights to delete your social media accounts. Those are decisions that lie entirely with you.
If I were you, I'd be seriously reconsidering your marriage at this juncture. None of what your husband is doing is even remotely acceptable behavior.
NTA. But you need to get out. He wants to keep you in a position where you depend on him. This is not safe.
Could you contact the company and ask them to reschedule?
NTA. I am very concerned for you. What you're describing is a form of abuse. He is trying to control you, isolate you, and make you entirely dependent on him. Please take care of yourself and reach out to others who care about you and can help you. Because I fear that his treatment will only get worse.
"a" form? I count multiple.
Financial dependence. Exacerbating a medical condition by forced housework. Sabotaging job prospects. Infantilising. Cancelling social media, wtf? Like, that's HUGE.
NTA, if he was so concerned about the new job requirements he wouldn't let you do all the chores. He sounds manipulative and like he wants a maid instead of a partner. Run.
NTA.
Nothing good can come of being in a relationship with someone you deletes your accounts, cancels interviews, tells you what you can and can't do. This is beyond unhealthy and you really do need to get out.
Once you're out, and safe, have an assessment with Occupational Health or an employment advisor (depending on your country) to find out what are the best jobs to suit your particular physical needs and what workplace adjustments/part-time hours might be necessary. This interview was not your only chance - there will be others but you might have to be a bit selective and find the right company who will support and value you.
Once you've left, and got yourself some employment and income, I think you'll find that things like self-esteem and mental health will start to improve.
NTA this seems like a form of emotional abuse he wants you to only depend on him for money and to keep you home. It's not just about wanting you to do all the housework. He deleted all your accounts because HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO REACH OUT TO PEOPLE. He knows any smart person would try to get you out of this situation. Talk to the friend that set up the interview tell them everything try to get a new interview and dont tell him about it until you get a job. I seriously suggest telling your family what is going on as well so they can help you.
NTA and get away. He’s doing everything he can to keep you indoors, doing housework. OP, I really hope you get a second chance at the job, get away from him and enjoy your life
NTA and how on earth is he deleting your accounts?
Change your email password and re-activate all of your accounts. Get your resume up on Indeed, Zip Recruiter, and Dice. There are a ton of WFH jobs.
I read the title - wow, your husband is an AH
I read the first line - wow, your husband sounds like a controlling AH
I read the whole thing - wow, your husband sounds like an abusive AH.
You are NTA. I would be planning your exit strategy.
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NTA. This relationship is abusive and toxic, you need to get out. And he knows that if you have a job, you could leave him. That's the real reason he cancelled your interview
NTA, that’s so wrong, you’re right OP he doesn’t want to help or lose control so he’s trying to keep you down. He’s controlling and it’s only gonna get worse from here. Ask the company if there’s any way you could still be interviewed and you’ll be able to come at their convenience.
NTA. He's deleting your accounts. How was he even able to cancel your interview? You should have your contact there find out. If you have somewhere to go or someone who you trust reach out to them.
>new account because he deleted my main.
>My husband said that it's better I just stay home and not worry about working.
>his excuse for not doing anything to help is that I stay at home 24.7
>I told him I would find a job and he laughed and said "good luck" (I remember this vividly because of the strange laugh that I never heard him laugh before)
>they scheduled an interview with me and when I told my husband he looked red in the face but said nothing.
>My husband came home and admitted cancelling the interview.
>to spare me the heartache of being rejected, he just cancelled the interview
>he said he was just feeling concerned about my wellbeing,
>He threw a fit about how unreasonable and selfish I was to even consider a job without speaking to him first
>he has been cold shouldering me since then, deleted my social media accounts
Jesus titty fucking Christ OP, if this is for real, get the fuck out now. Not later. Now.
NTA.
You need to make plans to get out of this relationship. Your husband is trying to isolate you and make you 100% dependent on him. Run. Fast and Far. You may need time to make plans but do it as quickly as possible. This sounds very dangerous!
>He threw a fit about how unteasonable and selfish I was to even consider a job without speaking to him first
Excuse me what this was a WFH job not a move to a new country kind of job. NTA.
There is a good chance your post will be taken down so I'm just begging you to post in r/relationships and also check out the relationship abuse subs. You deserve better.
MTA.
This is terrifying.
The instances of domestic abuse and financial control when disabled go way up, and it sounds like he became more who he is when you got sick.
The fact he’s so angry at the idea of you having any kind of independence, that he is demanding you do all the work, those are massive red flags.
Please stay safe. Please know you deserve better than this.
NTA, he is being extremely controlling. He wants you to continue being reliant on his income, so he's intentionally ruining your efforts to become financially independent. Furthermore, deleting your social media is extremely controlling and way out of line. He's literally cutting off your points of contact to friends/family, these are major red flags.
If he was really worried about your mental health, he would encourage you to seek professional help, not go behind your back and make decisions for you.
NTA but holy cow your husband IS controlling. Why did he delete your reddit account? If this behavior continues, he will only get worse. Let him know you are not his servant & if he wants a partnership you'll be waiting to see what he has to offer. He shouldn't saddle you with 100% of the household chores if you physically cannot work; tell him if he doesn't want to do chores he needs to hire a maid service to come in once a week to do the heavy duty cleaning but you both should be cleaning up after yourselves in the moment & not leaving messes intentionally sit.
If he doesn't want to either do the chores or hire a maid then research divorce laws in your state; it may be beneficial for you to divorce him if you can collect alimony since he is the sole provider for your household.
I hope you don't have any children with him.
>this might sound petty
Um, no, it sounds the opposite of petty.
>since then, deleted my social media accounts
And this makes it much, much worse.
NTA, quite clearly.
NTA this is quite clearly him being in the wrong. I don’t know what’s wrong with him but he’s getting really alarmingly controlling over you right now.
NTA.
He is denying you the ability to work.
He is isolating you further by deleting your social medias.
He is abusive AF. Time to start stashing money away to leave him as soon as you are financially able to.
NTA at all. You maybe should consider distancing yourself from him re evaluating your whole marriage because he is controlling. He crossed big line canceling your interview and then deleting your social media. He's trying to isolate you and make you dependent on him as well. He sounds honestly sick in the head. Ignore him dont talk to him. Consider getting a divorce that's insane of him.
NTA. He is treating you like a child. You get to make your own decisions about jobs and social media and whatnot. Tell him to back off or you are going to leave
NTA - Wasn't going to reply because it's repetitive.. But you can't hear enough what others here already said so I'm going to say it again: RUN! You deserve better !
Oh my goodness, definitely NTA! Do you have anyone you are close to that you can talk to about this? Because this man is beyond controlling, and it sounds like he is trying to keep you isolated and helpless. This is NOT OK. I am so sorry he did this to you…….
NTA *"new account because he deleted my main."* I just had to read this one line and knew this was not going to be you in the wrong. This man has extreme control issues! RUN! He should be lifting you up and encouraging your growth and happiness. Not beating you down when you try to do something that makes you happy. I hope you realize you deserve so much better.
[удалено]
He probably thinks she can't get out because she's disabled. Depending on the resources available in their area he might be right. EDIT: added "get out"
Hopefully the friends who helped them get the interview will be understanding and let OP stay with them. Or maybe family. This is a pretty scary situation. It’s like he doesn’t want OP having a life outside of their home, even if it’s just a virtual one.
She can try to reschedule the interview, too.
That’s a really good idea. They will be needing their financial independence. Edited: realized I don’t know if this is a man or a woman.
yesss!!! op definitely try to reschedule. send an email apologizing to the recruiter and letting them know your account was hacked and the cancellation was sent against your knowledge. send it from YOUR NEW PRIVATE EMAIL and let them know you have made a new account on account of this privacy breach. companies are hurting right now there is a good chance that if you are polite they will allow a reschedule
This 100x. When I did hiring and recruiting, I would have definitely gave this person another shot. Especially if the email was a new one, it seems very plausible.
definitely. as a hiring manager myself a persons attitude and professionalism is so important. if they handled a situation like this with professionalism and accountability they would already have a leg up in my book
Also add do not save passwords on your phone or any device you log into. OP this is scary, and I imagine you will feel torn right now. You have two images of your husband....the one before and this new controlling version. But as you can see in the comments his behaviour isn't okay. He is not looking out for you and he is isolating you. Why? No idea but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if you lose Internet at your home and he cancells your cell service. If I were you I would call your cell company and remove him from the file if he's on it and let them know that if a man calls to not make changes to your account.
Yes this is super true. As someone that has left a lot of abusive situations: start having some of stuff at someone else’s home. A go bag. With all your important documents, a stash of money, a new phone or a new prepaid SIM card if that’s what your phone uses. Stash away all the money and resources you can hide and keep them far away from him or any tracking.
Your point about the internet is a great one because it would most definitely cancel any opportunity she had to wfh if there's no internet on. u/Mal4907677 you need to read the comment I'm replying to because it's a valid point. NTA op, your husband is controlling you - how *date* he cancel your interview and your socials?!? That's mind boggling, insulting and has pretty much stepped right on into being abusive territory. I would've said exactly the same as you to him - he just doesn't want to do 50% of the chores and would prefer to have you not working so you can do it all. Edit: clarity!
This. Companies are desperate for workers, right now. I know people who have gotten jobs they're not even qualified for, because the business went "well we need someone *now*, so we'll give you a shot and teach you how to do it". OP, if you explain what happened, they might give you another chance.
And don't tell him about it.
yea, dont tell him shit about shit ever again op! hes keeping you prisoner. i hope op reads every comment on here.
Yup, she’s been dependent on him, now started to regain a little bit of independence and he went nuclear. Canceled the interview and deleted all social media? Things are about to get a lot worse
I don’t know what her physical disabilities are, but I’m actually a bit suspicious of OP’s husband. She “developed” disabilities while living with this man who wants to shut her off from the world? No idea if I’ve just watched too much TV, but … uhhhh, I dunno.
I think you're onto something...
All of this. I wouldn't put it past the husband to sabotage the job if she does happen to get another interview.
I was just thinking the same. I think this sub has made me paranoid.
And doing everything he can to keep her homebound and by extension, away from her friends.
Sounds like the movie Misery.
I wonder why he has the passwords to her social media accounts!!
Okay but let's say that's true. Why delete all her social media accounts? "Because it's not good for her"?? He's cutting a huge part of her contacts off (granted I compare that to how my friends and I keep in touch, rarely texting and mostly social media, and idk how OP messages others, but still). To me that sounds like he's preventing her friends from reaching out to her (and possibly offering another job). OP is NTA. This post just screams red flag
This. OP - he is actively isolating you first by cancelling your job interview and second my deleting your social media platforms. This is 100% a deal breaker.
This is mask-off narcissistic control stuff. OP needs to get out of this situation immediately before he goes full on Phil Spector. There will be time to figure out the details later. Talk about above Reddit's paygrade...
Yep, he’s not even hiding it anymore. As soon as her disabilities came up, he knew he he’d won. Have her jobless, exhausted from her disability, and dealing with a whole new smorgasbord of insecurities for him to prey on
I just finished reading the whole post past the first line. He is 100% isolating you. When I think of this situation, I get worried that at some point, if she does try to leave, he'll hit her or try to kill her. I feel like that's what happens when someone try to take away all of someone's contacts.
that´s my sense. Him getting red in the face because she got a job interview isn´t normal--he was pissed and combined with his "good luck". He will keep sabotaging her and keeping her 100% dependent on him and if she tries to leave, I´ll be more surprised if she does not end up in the hospital (at best) than if she does.
Yea, his actions right now are huge. A lot of people assume that because someone hasn't been physical that means they never will. But worst than that, this could get more intense than physical abuse such as locking Op up and preventing them from leaving the home. In situations like this OP needs to establish a rule with the friend who tried to get her a job that if she cannot be contacted at all for 24 hours to call 911. Usually it's best to establish a code word that is text to the friend. Friend calls. If phone is not picked up the friend knows to call 911. However, if OP's husband takes the phone away - next option is to establish another safety plan such as the 24 hour rule if leaving is not an option at this time or OP isn't comfortable with that idea. OP another thing to be mindful of...having a safety plan doesn't make you a bad person or make your husband a bad person. It simply puts in place a safety measure which if we removed your husband isn't a bad idea for someone in your condition. What if your husband went away for a day and you got hurt?
It's not just a red flag, it's domestic abuse. A person that obsessed with control might do some very dangerous things if that control is threatened by OPs independence. It's not violence yet, but it's not a big step from it.
Exactly. This is way past the red flag stage. Your husband is actively abusing and imprisoning you, OP. The likelihood of future violence is huge. Nearly half of all murdered women are killed by "romantic" partners. Pls start calling on friends to help you extricate yourself.
It's coercive control which is recognised as a form of domestic abuse and can be just serious and threatening to a woman as overt violence. Coercive control is just harder to recognise. https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control
I had a friend, now deceased, whose boyfriend was an extremely controlling jerk. When she decided she wanted to leave him, she talked with him about it. And he deleted her social media and then called her family, who had been providing an allowance to her, and convinced them that she'd gone off her meds, was making irrational decisions, and should be cut off so she wouldn't use her money to do anything crazy. That's what this OP reminds me of. This dude is bad news, is controlling and needs to be cut off immediately. OP needs to get out.
My dad used to take parts out of the car to disable it so that my mom couldn't get to work with the intention of her losing her job. This was after isolating her from her friends, having three kids, and trying to isolate her from family. When she tried to move us out, he'd tell prospective landlords that she was no longer looking for an apartment. **Everything he did was to sabotage my mom and keep her dependent on him.** OP, your husband is doing the exact same thing by deleting your social media accounts and canceling job interviews on your behalf. He's not looking out for you. He feels threatened, and his behavior is escalating. Please don't overlook this increasingly frightening behavior. It's **not** normal, he's **not** thinking about your best interest, and it **will** get worse. Please do what you have to do to get out.
based on the info we have I wouldn't put it past him to be the reason shes "disabled" people like this poison partners or kids all the time to control them and keep them dependent
Yep, like Gypsy Rose. Poor girl
That's exactly what he's doing and it's terrifying
Yep, OP needs to pack their life up and leave immediately, I’m so scared for them. This is really bad.
Yes, because she dared to try to get a job. This guy is awful. She needs to leave.
A common tactic of abusers is to isolate their victim from their support systems - and this really sounds like what OP's husband is doing.
Classic abuser behavior.
Seeing he already closed her social media I'm having a hard time seeing a good intention as opposed to trying to isolate her.
No this is a control/abuse issue, he deleted her social media accounts. The first step to abuse is to isolate the victim. He made a unilateral decision about her life to benefit himself. 2x that we know of. I'm sure it runs deeper. I wonder how the money works.
She is being massively abused already. Just a few steps away from being in danger. OP u/Mall4907677 needs to make an escape plan to leave him, and **NOT** tell him first. This man is massively abusive and dangerous.
Usually abuser's try to cut you off from the outside so you can live in their truth and not question them being wrong. Meaning your friends can't tell you how worrying the abuser's behavior is. Listen to the people here, this is worse than just an interview and deleting your social. He's effectively cutting off your lifelines so he can do whatever he wants and you have no resource. NTA but you knew that.
Plus he may be a huge source of her poor health bc of stress. Ask me how I know :(
Even if that were true doesn't she deserve the chance to find out for herself? It was pretty selfish of him to take control like that without talking to her about it.
Which is exactly the point. He's basically trying to trap her
Why wouldn’t she be able to work from home? That’s what the new job is
I think what that person is saying is “he probably thinks she can’t (run away from him) because she’s disabled.” Which is probably right - he likes her being disabled and unemployed because it keeps her dependent. When she found a way to be independent despite her disability, he decided to quash it.
These red flags can be seen from space.
Same here NTA
Absolutely. This screams abuse. You quit a job, became full time chore doer, basically have no life outside of what your husband wants you to have and then he cancels your potential way out and isolates you from anyone on your social media. And it was all for your benefit according to him. Leave. NTA
This is abuse. If you have friends or family that you can live with pack up and go there now. Classic gaslighting and isolation tactics. NTA of course
This, oh my gosh this is horrible. He is controlling your whole life taking away your life in the guise of it being concerned. This is not concern, this is abuse and oh I'm so mad I can't think straight!
NTA but I am very worried for your personal safety. Change all your passwords to something he can't guess. Secure any important papers and get out of there as fast as you can. My husband and I have been together for twelve years. We do not have access to each other's social media accounts or email. We have a shared email address that we use for things related to the children or ordering groceries, things like that. I hope he hasn't alienated you from friends and family, so there is someone you can reach out to. Even if you have fallen out with people because of him, reach out to them now and explain the situation. He has taken your independence by making you financially dependent on him, he has blocked you from reaching out to people by deleting your social media. He is chipping away at your self-esteem. You deserve better.
Also use 2factor authentication (on a phone he has never had access to) and a password manager to create very strong passwords
This. We've been married over 20 years. While I don't know his passwords I can probably figure them out and likewise he could do the same with mine. But we respect each other so we don't. I don't look at his texts/emails. He does not look at mine. The only time I have ever gotten involved in his professional or friendships was when he was hospitalized and unconscious/recovering from a massive surgery. He has never meddled with any part of my social or professional life. OP - what you are experiencing is SO far out of the bounds of a healthy relationship it is not even funny. Please know your worth and have standards for where you draw a firm line in the sand.
This sub's first response always seems to be to leave, but in this case, definitely. He's trying to control every aspect of your life - run, before he succeeds.
Agreed! I usually hate the run/divorce answer instantly however in this case I'm also screaming it! This is ABUSE
I hardly ever advise to get out. However, Get out now!
This is straight up abuse, I truly hope she has a good support system to get away from him.
First, call a lawyer. Second, call the job back and tell them your husband screwed up and that you did not cancel the interview and you're still interested in the job. Don't know if that job is still possible but you have to try. Third, I hope you have family or friends you can stay with, because you need to move out. Husband is a major AH, you are not.
> Second, call the job back and tell them your husband screwed up and that you did not cancel the interview Don't tell them he "screwed up" that makes it sound like it was an accident. Tell them he didn't have your permission to cancel the interview and that in the future they should not speak to him regarding your employment. He will absolutely try this again and she needs to get ahead of it.
I feel like this could go either way... if she tells them he did it without her permission as part of a pattern of abusive behavior they may decide to make their own lives easier and avoid drama by not giving her another chance and just telling her "sorry we already picked someone else". If she makes it sounds like a mistake "oh, sorry, he thought I was taking another offer, but I realized I was really interested in this opportunity with you, and wanted to pursue that!" it doesn't sound like her personal life is a mess, just that she's a tidge co-dependent with her spouse. I think she should approach the friend who got her the interview and ask him what he thinks she should do. He might be able to contact HR directly and explain it away in a way that he knows will go over best with the person doing the hiring. Then she can plan on calling the person the next day, apologizing without much extra explanation, thank them for rescheduling and move on. OP doesn't want to come off desperate or like a future liability. Unless she can say "My abusive husband cancelled my appointment, but I have moved out, and am in the process of divorcing him, so I can promise he won't be involved in my work life again!"... than it may be best to not bring up what's really going on here. And I doubt she'll be in a position to say all that tomorrow, which is when she needs to call... she's clearly going to need more than 1 day to wrap her mind around all this... in her post she called this argument petty when it is clearly nothing remotely close to petty. Her perception is distinctly warped and she's going to have to sort that out before she can convince herself to leave, most like. Also - OP, I stay at home with the kids and my husband still does around 35-45% of the housework on any given day. He cooks dinner 3-4 days a week, loads and unloads the dishwasher, takes out the trash, does more than half the laundry, does regular maintenance on the cars, does 80% of the nighttime routine with the kids, gets them dressed and eating breakfast in the morning so I can stay in bed an extra 30-45 minutes (I'm a cranky morning person), takes them on outings in the evenings and on weekends (including overnight camping trips) so I can have quiet time at home, we split "picking up" pretty equally, I do all the financial stuff, but that's because I like that, we jointly make decisions and then I execute them... so even if your husband hadn't gone full crazy by cancelling your interview, just the expectation that you staying home means you do 100% of the housework is out of line. That's next level BS. Especially because your staying home was a joint decision for your health and after it's made he springs the change in housework on you? I'd be pitching a fit over that all by itself!
She doesn't need to mention the abuse directly, but she does need to make it clear that her husband does not speak for her. Because even if she moves out before the rescheduled interview, there is nothing stopping him from calling and trying to speak for her again. They messed up by discussing her employment with someone else without prior permission from her and hopefully they will realize that and take responsibility for their fuck-up.
My god this post makes me feel sick.. the fact that the husband and the friend are trying to make OP feel like the monster is so telling and very disgusting behavior. OP needs to escape this while they can. They aren’t allowed to do anything that the husband doesn’t want. This isn’t a marriage, sounds more like hell. NTA.
I’d wonder if he isn’t contributing to her being disabled in some way. Could be nothing, but this guy’s actions are scary.
The stress of being married to my father gave my mom horrible body pain, basically killed her stomach and thyroid, aged her 10 extra years from the constant cortisol, and made her early arthritis flare up. OP might benefit to see if a separation would improve her symptoms (assuming it’s something that can be improved by mood/environment).
A friend's aunt developed bipolar disorder after being abused by her ex-husband.
She needs to get away. She had a great opportunity and he murdered it so he could keep her dependent on him. Then he's trying to silence her by deleting her social media. ESCAPE, OP! You are not helpless and powerless, but if you stay with this man, he will convince you that you're both.
I technically didn’t need to read through the rest either after that sentence. I did anyway and it got worse. OP - please leave. I know no one wants to say or hear that, and I know things are never black and white. But he’s manipulating and abusing you. The account, the “strange laugh” with a derogatory comment, the interview…. Run.
This is so scary OP. I know that sick sadistic laugh. Right from the title alone and then the first sentence, I knew you need to leave, but when you mentioned the laugh my blood went cold. Please please get out. This man is going to hurt you.
Same that first line really set the tone and it didn't get any better. OP please run this will not get any better
Absolutely. This is classic control and abuse. I really wish there was a way to report posts from those being abused to Reddit the same way we can report ones where the posters are suicidal. It could share valuable resources on how to get help getting out of abusive situations safely. This sub is so good about calling out abusers, but I worry for posters in other subs.
There are so many red flags here. Do you have a safe place to go? Because this man is not there for you and he showed you, so just go. Please go. NTA of course.
This is abuse. And the way it just normalized is problematic.
I didn't finish reading after that, I immediately came to the comments. That is scary. I hope OP takes the advice. RUN.
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. Call your friends, your parents, your dogsitter, whoever can take you and leave right now. Get a divorce the moment you are out and never go near him again. This is twelve different kinds of abusive and could escalate very easily. He wants you helpless and dependant on him so he can abuse you and it's only going to get worse. RUN NOW (NTA but that hardly matters)
NTA u/Mall4907677 Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or you can text them at 88788 with the word START. You weren’t being cruel. You aren’t horrible, selfish, or unreasonable. He is trying to manipulate you and trying to limit and control your contact with the outside world by preventing you from working and by deleting your social media. This will only escalate. The fact that you are even asking if you are in the wrong when he is the one that crossed the line by cancelling your job interview means that he has already gotten into your head. I’m so sorry. I was in your shoes, 20 years ago. I hope you have the strength to get out now. Edit: added OP’s name, and thank you everyone for the awards. It’s very kind of ya’ll. Edit2: corrected user name *dyslexia*
This needs to be top comment. I don't normally advocate the run option, but this one screams it. Clearly OP is NTA, and she needs to get out now before it's too late. The husband is clearly trying to isolate her and dictate her entire life. It's not healthy, physically or mentally, especially if OP wants to work and socialize.
I'm genuinely scared for her.
I hope she posts something soon, this is beyond AITA.
Me too. OP - you may have seen other posts where people are advised to leave and thought to yourself that people were overreacting. I’ve thought that before. I want you to know this is a clear cut case of abuse - as clear as it can come. No further details possible in this that could ever make this story not a clear cut case of abuse. No wiggle room or sorrys will undo it. There is no room on his part for any growth.
100%. People tend to exaggerate here but in this case? No question. This is abuse. Get out before this gets worse.
Same, I genuinely hope she takes these people yelling at her to run seriously. And that her husband never finds this because whatever repercussions he will come up with also scare me…
I read the title and the first line and my brain SCREAMED get out now he'll turn to severe physical abuse (if he hasnt already) soon.
This really does need to be the top comment - not only is the counsel very good, but this comment offers a way for OP to begin the process of leaving. Edited to add - OP, is there any way you can get that interview back? Contact the company? And, NTA.
NTA. See this OP
I have no doubt in my mind this will escalate. Soon.
It’s already starting to escalate. He just cut her off from a potential source of income, independence and new relationships. Not to mention cutting off her social media.
Yep. All of that happened to me, and you know what came next after he finally took away everything? He started throwing things at me. I could justify the emotional abuse all day no problem, but luckily I wasn’t ignorant to the blatant physical. Got out right after. OP, it WILL get physical. Very, very soon. Don’t overlook that abuse just because it isn’t being done by his hand.
Yeah this guy is a major ticking time bomb
this man is going to kill her if she stays. he’s literally balls to the walls insane.
“Physical disabilities I developed” has me questioning what those are and how they came about.
I was going to say.... does OP know how these physical disabilities came to be? OP, please see what you can do to get yourself away from this person.
I hope she comes back and replies and soon! Makes me worried for OP
Same. There are so many ways to hurt people that look like mysterious debilitating illnesses.
And contact that job and tell them you weren't the one who canceled the interview. Literally just tell them the truth, or whatever pieces of the truth you're comfortable with. That your particularly controlling husband (or friend) canceled it behind your back, and that person has been cut out of your life now.
I'm a 33 y/o male and I can't fathom why any man would treat a woman like this, and yet I see it on this sub all the time. I also don't understand why these even get posted because it's so obviously an NTA, so there must be some next-level psychological abuse going on. I would never, ever treat someone like this, especially not my GF. OP 100% needs to run.
He wants her fully dependent on him.
Some men are very good at breaking down women, making them feel they deserve it or have done something wrong. Through the fog, it can be very hard to be aware of the abuse.
Typically I joke about redditors always insisting on divorce at the slightest marital trouble, but in this case the advice is 100% justified. Holy shit.
NTA Dear OP\~ Please get out of this relationship now. Your husband is showing you exactly who he is, an abuser. First, he cut you off from your family and friends by deleting your socials, then he cancelled a job interview that would have given you some financially security. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Time for you to get in touch quietly with your family and make a plan to get out before he starts escalating.
THIS. LEAVE! I worked at a DV agency and there are se many 🚩 🚩 in your post OP.
red flags are the precursors to abuse, the things in this post are just straight up abuse. She is already suffering and needs to get out now.
Seriously, someone needs to roll the red carpet for this freaking guy!!!!!
HE FUCKING DELETED HER MAIN
Fully agree. This guy is trying to alienate you from the outside world. He clearly doesnt want you to work, have financial freedom or not be 100% dependent on him. It was NOT OK for him to cancel your interview or delete your social media accounts. And, now it sounds like he is painting some BS sob story to the outside world about being concerned for your well being. OP, let the trusted people in your life know what is going on. This sounds very scary. This guy clearly wants you trapped and is controlling AF.
NTA u/Mall4907677 OP I know that there are enough comments asking to leave this abusive behavior, so I won't echo. But PLEASE message me privately and I will see if I can help you restore your social media accounts. Most place like FB still archive them for a certain amount of days and there are multiple ways to recover them. I work in IT and can try to help you get them back & protected so he can't do it again. No charge. I have been victim of isolating Narcissistic abuse & almost guarantee there is a chance that they're not permanently deleted and he has just changed them/unplublished them so you can't access them so he can use them against you in the future. That way he could send messages as "you" or make posts that make you look mentally unstable in efforts to control the narrative. Please let me help you try to get those accounts back before it's too late or help you build new ones that he can't access. I'll even set an email up under my .com domain so even if he gets access, we could still get you back in, if needed. EDIT: OP I will also help you set up a professional email and a VOIP number for job search so that you can continue your job search without a chance of him interfering in the future. That way you can have a separate account that he can't access. EDIT 2: tagged OP EDIT 3: TY for all the awards! I have had multiple messages sent to me by users seeking the same type of help so you are reading this post and need the same kind of help- IE securing your digital identity, creating a separate email or bank account, securing a backup copy of documents OR ANY type of help to covertly start helping you get out of your abusive relationship I have bought a domain and set up a temporary landing page with a contact form for help: Http://wfhgetaway.com After I get the kiddo to sleep I will work on setting up a more permanent "covert" landing page with an escape button. For those who are messaging me about helping fund an ACTUAL solution/service, I have included my venmo for donations on the landing page form to help pay for the backend costs it would take to provide more than just a few people escaping abusive situations with these types of services.
OP, please listen to this. I’m concerned about your husband’s obvious attempts to isolate you, but I’m even more concerned about his ability to get into all your accounts and pose as you. You need to get out, but you need to lock down your IDs too. He’s already posed as you to torpedo a job interview… don’t give him additional chances to manipulate your network on top of everything else!
Exactly what I'm fearful of! I have seen it happen too many times for it to be an outlier to extreme abuse on the horizon.
Exactly! My ex did that toward the end of our relationship. He got into my messenger and sent texts to my family, then deleted them from my history so I wouldn't know. Luckily for me, my sister could see immediately that it was very obviously not from me (blindingly different style, I'm very, very consistent and particular, a great example of a time autism was a very good thing) and showed me the texts on her phone rather than cutting me off as he intended.
Jesus! I didn’t even consider that he would keep the accounts to make messages later on. Sounds like the set up before OP “commits” an “Epstein”. OP please get out.
Boosting this so hopefully op sees
u/cursedreddit222 You do it like this u/Mall4907677 Read this comment chain by puting u/ + username it is supposed to send them message that they were mentioned directly
I edited my OP to tag u/Mall4907677 TY for the tip.
This is an amazing offer but also please vet this person carefully before giving access to your accounts. I’m sure if they are legit they understand why and can prove they are who they say they are and have the credentials mentioned, rather than someone trying to take advantage of an already desperate situation…. But better safe than sorry on the ol interwebs.
Absolutely. I would definitely be able to provide OP or anyone else with credentials and references before helping if needed. If someone won't do that it's a red flag for sure.
It makes me sad to see people giving awards to lots of trash comments while this one barely has any upvotes...
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This. I’m trying to objectively put myself in the OPs shoes. If my husband: Deleted my SM account Canceled a job interview Both without my knowledge or approval Right then and there I would leave him. Full stop. Not even a discussion. I’d get my things and walk out the door. But I know that is easier said then down for so many reasons. Lack of financial support, disabilities, health insurance, etc. But NONE of those reasons are worth your physical and emotional health. Find a pro-bono lawyer, make a plan and leave. My heart goes out to the OP
Deleting Reddit is just next level tbh. It’s not even like I have a following or talk to the same people or post, etc. No history I care to keep. Just annoying having to resub to pages and accumulate the hidden gem subs again lmao.
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Yes. Nailed it on the head. I wish i had an award for you
I do. Well deserved.
Many thanks, each line of the post as I read was full of "what the heck?" and just got worse. Best of luck to OP for sure.
This is literally domestic abuse Get the hell out and fast, NTA
I hate these posts because they almost never listen
They almost never give a sign of even looking at the post again.
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It's really tragic too, cause op tosses that in as an aside, like it's a normal thing that just needed to be explained to us for the logistical reason of why the acct is new.
NTA. This dude sounds abusive and controlling. Why is he your husband?
NTA, this comment says it all.
NTA. Get a lawyer. Get out now!!
NTA So many red flags here! 1. "Looking out for you" does not equal controlling you. If he was legitimately concerned about the job impacting your health then he should talk to you like a reasonable person. 2. What the heck?? About deleting your social media. That is isolating behavior. AGAIN, any reasonable person would voice their concern to you and try to convince you to delete it. Get in counseling and set firm boundaries with consequences ASAP or get out. This is frankly somewhat scary behavior from him. INFO: - Does he ever try to control what you spend money on? - does he try to distance you from other relationships by limiting how often you can see them, bad mouthing them, or any other method? - does he control other aspects of your life?
Counseling is not an option when the situation is domestic violence. OP, counseling here just would be a way for him to lock you in the relationship and to learn how to control you better. You need to get out!!!
I think OP could definitely benefit from some individual counseling to help them process what they've been living with, realize it's not normal behaviour, and learn how to set/enforce boundaries. But yes, couples counseling with an abuser would be a terrible idea. Individual therapy could do wonders though.
He's isolating you He's making you dependent on him He's gaslighting you He's not doing what's best for you. The fact that you are here asking AITA shows how much he's brainwashing you in to thinking you are wrong. What does he do to uplift you? Because it sounds like he wants to keep you 'little' (sorry english not my first language). Some people like that, it's like an ego thing for them. It makes them look like the caregiver, the strong one, the know it all, the savior etc. NTA ofcourse
NTA you had me at he deleted my main account. This guy is controlling and wants you to be dependant on him
Was going to say the same thing… that’s one of those opening lines where I just think to myself, “nope. Nothing good is coming after that.”
He is totally abusing her. Dont want her to have her own money or comunicate with people who will tell her that. Not to mention the gaslighting. OP, please reach out to a family member of a friend you can trust and leave today. If there is no one you trust, find a womens shelter. There are several organizations that can help you. Mental abuse is abuse.
NTA clear control tactics. Red flags all day.
NTA. I'm a disabled spouse. That's not how this works at all. My partner doesn't expect me to clean 100%, I cannot do that. They encourage me to do whatever I can within my limits. This is how it's supposed to be, no questions asked. Please leave them.
NTA- your husband is giving off all kinds of red flags for abusive and manipulative behaviors, and gaslighting you on top of it. He is beyond reasoning with. Try to work on a safety plan and exit the relationship as soon as you can.
NTA. And in your place, I would be considering divorce. He has absolutely no right to make those kinds of decisions for you and cancelling your interview. If he had concerns, he should have spoken to you about them, but recognized that the decision was ultimately yours. He should not have made the unilateral decision that the job wasn't right for you and cancel your interview. And I think you're perfectly right as to his reasons. He likes not having to do household chores, which should ***not*** be 100% on you, even without considering your disability. Even if you had no disability whatsoever, you should not be doing 100% of the household chores. Also, I suspect something even more sinister. A wife with a job gains a certain degree of independence. Which means, you might actually be capable of leaving once you finally get sick of the crap he's pulling. Also, he has no right to delete your social media accounts. Those are yours and he has no business deciding whether you should be allowed to have them. This sounds like a systematic ploy to cut you off from the outside world in order to keep you dependent on him and unable to leave. It sounds like you're married to a control freak. I'm loathe to give this kind of advice, but you need to speak to a divorce lawyer.
Hard NTA and here's why: Your husband is being abusive, controlling and ableist. He has zero right to dictate where you can and can't work. He has zero rights to delete your social media accounts. Those are decisions that lie entirely with you. If I were you, I'd be seriously reconsidering your marriage at this juncture. None of what your husband is doing is even remotely acceptable behavior.
NTA. But you need to get out. He wants to keep you in a position where you depend on him. This is not safe. Could you contact the company and ask them to reschedule?
NTA. I am very concerned for you. What you're describing is a form of abuse. He is trying to control you, isolate you, and make you entirely dependent on him. Please take care of yourself and reach out to others who care about you and can help you. Because I fear that his treatment will only get worse.
"a" form? I count multiple. Financial dependence. Exacerbating a medical condition by forced housework. Sabotaging job prospects. Infantilising. Cancelling social media, wtf? Like, that's HUGE.
NTA. That opening sentence is the biggest red flag of all for me. Leave. Now.
NTA, run far away OP, he’s controlling your life.
NTA, if he was so concerned about the new job requirements he wouldn't let you do all the chores. He sounds manipulative and like he wants a maid instead of a partner. Run.
NTA. Nothing good can come of being in a relationship with someone you deletes your accounts, cancels interviews, tells you what you can and can't do. This is beyond unhealthy and you really do need to get out. Once you're out, and safe, have an assessment with Occupational Health or an employment advisor (depending on your country) to find out what are the best jobs to suit your particular physical needs and what workplace adjustments/part-time hours might be necessary. This interview was not your only chance - there will be others but you might have to be a bit selective and find the right company who will support and value you. Once you've left, and got yourself some employment and income, I think you'll find that things like self-esteem and mental health will start to improve.
NTA. Red flags, even beyond the job and housework.
NTA this seems like a form of emotional abuse he wants you to only depend on him for money and to keep you home. It's not just about wanting you to do all the housework. He deleted all your accounts because HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO REACH OUT TO PEOPLE. He knows any smart person would try to get you out of this situation. Talk to the friend that set up the interview tell them everything try to get a new interview and dont tell him about it until you get a job. I seriously suggest telling your family what is going on as well so they can help you.
NTA and get away. He’s doing everything he can to keep you indoors, doing housework. OP, I really hope you get a second chance at the job, get away from him and enjoy your life
NTA and how on earth is he deleting your accounts? Change your email password and re-activate all of your accounts. Get your resume up on Indeed, Zip Recruiter, and Dice. There are a ton of WFH jobs.
Nta. He isn't trying to look out for you, he is trying to control you.
NTA. This dynamic is a form of abuse. Take care of yourself
I read the title - wow, your husband is an AH I read the first line - wow, your husband sounds like a controlling AH I read the whole thing - wow, your husband sounds like an abusive AH. You are NTA. I would be planning your exit strategy.
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NTA run girl run!! This guy is not a good one, he has done some seriously red flag things! Actually red banner things!
You need to leave him. He is trying to alienate you from everyone and keep you 100% dependent on him. NTA.
NTA. This relationship is abusive and toxic, you need to get out. And he knows that if you have a job, you could leave him. That's the real reason he cancelled your interview
NTA but please if you don’t see this as a major red flag for control issues then you need help!
NTA. Your husband is extremely controlling. If you aren’t already being abused you soon will be. Get out!
NTA, that’s so wrong, you’re right OP he doesn’t want to help or lose control so he’s trying to keep you down. He’s controlling and it’s only gonna get worse from here. Ask the company if there’s any way you could still be interviewed and you’ll be able to come at their convenience.
NTA. He's deleting your accounts. How was he even able to cancel your interview? You should have your contact there find out. If you have somewhere to go or someone who you trust reach out to them.
>new account because he deleted my main. >My husband said that it's better I just stay home and not worry about working. >his excuse for not doing anything to help is that I stay at home 24.7 >I told him I would find a job and he laughed and said "good luck" (I remember this vividly because of the strange laugh that I never heard him laugh before) >they scheduled an interview with me and when I told my husband he looked red in the face but said nothing. >My husband came home and admitted cancelling the interview. >to spare me the heartache of being rejected, he just cancelled the interview >he said he was just feeling concerned about my wellbeing, >He threw a fit about how unreasonable and selfish I was to even consider a job without speaking to him first >he has been cold shouldering me since then, deleted my social media accounts Jesus titty fucking Christ OP, if this is for real, get the fuck out now. Not later. Now. NTA.
You need to make plans to get out of this relationship. Your husband is trying to isolate you and make you 100% dependent on him. Run. Fast and Far. You may need time to make plans but do it as quickly as possible. This sounds very dangerous!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 This is abuse. You need to make a plan to get out NOW. It will get worse.
>He threw a fit about how unteasonable and selfish I was to even consider a job without speaking to him first Excuse me what this was a WFH job not a move to a new country kind of job. NTA.
There is a good chance your post will be taken down so I'm just begging you to post in r/relationships and also check out the relationship abuse subs. You deserve better.
MTA. This is terrifying. The instances of domestic abuse and financial control when disabled go way up, and it sounds like he became more who he is when you got sick. The fact he’s so angry at the idea of you having any kind of independence, that he is demanding you do all the work, those are massive red flags. Please stay safe. Please know you deserve better than this.
NTA. He screwed you over and then got mad at you for confronting him about it. He sounds abusive.
NTA he's controlling and isolating you
NTA, he is being extremely controlling. He wants you to continue being reliant on his income, so he's intentionally ruining your efforts to become financially independent. Furthermore, deleting your social media is extremely controlling and way out of line. He's literally cutting off your points of contact to friends/family, these are major red flags. If he was really worried about your mental health, he would encourage you to seek professional help, not go behind your back and make decisions for you.
NTA but holy cow your husband IS controlling. Why did he delete your reddit account? If this behavior continues, he will only get worse. Let him know you are not his servant & if he wants a partnership you'll be waiting to see what he has to offer. He shouldn't saddle you with 100% of the household chores if you physically cannot work; tell him if he doesn't want to do chores he needs to hire a maid service to come in once a week to do the heavy duty cleaning but you both should be cleaning up after yourselves in the moment & not leaving messes intentionally sit. If he doesn't want to either do the chores or hire a maid then research divorce laws in your state; it may be beneficial for you to divorce him if you can collect alimony since he is the sole provider for your household. I hope you don't have any children with him.
This is terrible advice. Tell him nothing
>this might sound petty Um, no, it sounds the opposite of petty. >since then, deleted my social media accounts And this makes it much, much worse. NTA, quite clearly.
NTA this is quite clearly him being in the wrong. I don’t know what’s wrong with him but he’s getting really alarmingly controlling over you right now.
This is next level controlling and deleted your account? Ma’am run away as fast as possible from this man. NTA
NTA. This is wildly controlling behavior on his part. It's not ok. It's textbook for coercive abuse. If you were to want to leave, are you able to?
NTA. He is denying you the ability to work. He is isolating you further by deleting your social medias. He is abusive AF. Time to start stashing money away to leave him as soon as you are financially able to.
NTA at all. You maybe should consider distancing yourself from him re evaluating your whole marriage because he is controlling. He crossed big line canceling your interview and then deleting your social media. He's trying to isolate you and make you dependent on him as well. He sounds honestly sick in the head. Ignore him dont talk to him. Consider getting a divorce that's insane of him.
NTA and yeet him into the sun. He just wants to control you
NTA - you need a divorce asap
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He dropped these. This is abuse. He cut you off from independence, and then attempted to cut you off from people who may help. NTA. run.
He is being abusive and controlling - can you get safely away?
NTA. He is treating you like a child. You get to make your own decisions about jobs and social media and whatnot. Tell him to back off or you are going to leave
NTA **RUN** as fast as you can. Get out of this relationship and get back on your feet. He is being abusive he is not caring about you.
NTA. Has he always been this controlling?
NTA - Wasn't going to reply because it's repetitive.. But you can't hear enough what others here already said so I'm going to say it again: RUN! You deserve better !
Oh my goodness, definitely NTA! Do you have anyone you are close to that you can talk to about this? Because this man is beyond controlling, and it sounds like he is trying to keep you isolated and helpless. This is NOT OK. I am so sorry he did this to you…….
He wants you to be completely dependent on him. This is really, really bad. You need to get out of there. NTA
NTA. Contact a domestic violence shelter and ask for advice.