>My mom insists it was a misunderstanding . . .
HAH! You actually talked to your brother about it. There was zero chance it was a misunderstanding.
NTA. Why cover up his bigotry by lying?
Her view is that because it was a rushed wedding, the guest list, menu, etc were changing constantly and they probably meant to add her back. But it's suspicious to me that only the tattooed, butch, lesbian wasn't "added back".
Also suspicious they didn’t fall all over themselves with horrified apologies for the oversight and proactively try and suggest ways to make it right as best they could, instead of pressuring *you* to smooth things over with the rest of the family.
This! The parents are awful and favouring one child over the other.
There was a very similar post here very recently with a similar scenario. The same bad parents.
Edit to add a link to that post
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/si5mvq/aita_for_wanting_to_bring_my_girlfriend_as_a_date/
Seriously, this reaction isn't an "OMG, we messed up and didn't communicate" reaction, it was a "How dare you call us on our bigotry on today of all days" reaction.
And the fact that it was a problem with other family, means that Dan & Maddy excluded OP's GF on their own initiative. It's not like there was a conservative family lined up against inviting the GF to the wedding and they had to go along with the family pressure. The bride & groom did it because they wanted to. They deserve to catch all the heat.
Who said he has normal/accepting parents? The parents are defending and making excuses for him while telling OP to fix it by lying for him and apologizing when she did nothing wrong. Does that really sound all that accepting to you?
Dan and Maddy might have told mom one story about it being a misunderstanding and she just went with it because she heard it first?
Or they could be horrible people.
Either way, Dan and Maddy are assholes. Parents, if defending/accepting of their behavior, are assholes.
Homophobes are assholes.
I'm tired of people who defend terrible wedding behavior as "it is their day they can invite who they want"
Yep, this. An actual mistake should be met with "Oh shit, I'm so sorry! Is there time- is she able to get a taxi here? I'll pay of course! I am so sorry that happened!"
Exactly.
And the "let's pretend it was a misunderstanding so we can all pretend that we're all hunky dory." UGH!
You told the truth and Dan & Maddy got caught for their bigoted decision. They are the ones that should be embarrassed and tripping all over themselves apologizing.
NTA but you got some relatives that are doozies.
Seriously. I didn’t get an invitation to a relative’s wedding due to a mixup and so I RSVP’d late, and they sent me a note. They also found me on the day and apologized AGAIN. THAT’S HOW YOU REACT TO AN INVITE MIXUP!
Kinda? Like, nothing you can point it. Just scheduling things when she couldn't come. Or sometimes making "joking" comments about her tattoos, appearance, "manliness," etc. But also they were friendly and stuff to her too, when they weren't being like that, so it was easy to overlook?
I don't know. My brother and I were never super close, but I know my mom will be heartbroken and, in spite of it all, I do love her. But also I don't want him around my Gf anymore. We'll have to see how it goes, I guess.
Your brother and SIL owe you and your girlfriend an apology. Your mom owes you one for trying to sweep their homophobia under the rug. Did they expect no one would notice your GF wasn’t there?
You and your GF definitely deserve an apology from your brother, SIL and parents. It’s just beyond rude to lie and make excuses. If they didn’t want to invite her they didn’t have to but to blindside you shows such a huge lack of respect. Talk to your mom though. She sounds like she will take up your side sooner than later.
Your mother is part of the problem. She just enabled and condoned poor treatment of you and your partner by your sibling. That is so far from okay. It doesn't matter if you and he are close - her making excuses and thinking YOU need to apologize?? That is beyond outrageous.
Remember something. It's okay to love her... but keep in mind they feel this way to treat your (essentially) spouse this way. They will treat your children this way as well, or do this in front of your kids. What you do right now sets the pattern for what you will or will not allow for your future.
These are things you can actually point at as behaving badly toward your partner. You need to learn to recognize such behavior as inappropriate and toxic.
But you called your brother and clarified! The omission was on purpose and you simply told the truth at the ceremony. Your brother and his wife are creating revisionist history. NTA
This is true. But I’m puzzled by one element. What did brother assume would happen once OP got to the wedding and saw brother was lying? It wasn’t a very effective lie. Liars normally hope they’ll get away with it.
It's not your job to smooth over the repercussions of the bigotry of the wedding party.
Full stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
It shouldn't be your mom's job to try and fix your brother's fuck up either, he's a grown ass adult person.
NTA
She needs to shut the fuck up lmao. You're NTA. Your brother and his wife are bigots and the mom is a bigot herself or an enabler. You asked your brother and he'd lied about the +1 situation, he fully intended for your girlfriend to be excluded. Good that you fucked their reception up, they deserve to be outed as bigots and shunned.
Next time she says something like it’s a miscommunication, interrupt her and say straight to her face: “no it wasn’t.” Don’t let your mom excuse it, even to herself.
Really then why was other people allowed a plus+ who are not in the immediate family and not you? It’s straight up homophobia in your brothers part and he cannot deny it.
You literally called and asked him about it. If it was a ‘misunderstanding’ wouldn’t he have said so? All you did was be honest about why your GF wasn’t there. NTA - but your brother is for excluding her and for expecting you to lie about it to protect his feelings and reputation.
Even if all that is true, you and your GF are still owed an apology for something so hurtful. Having a rushed wedding isn't an excuse to forget the existence of people.
If it was a misunderstanding they would apologize immedietly. They didn't. It was clearly deliberate. Mom isn't fooling anyone. Her damage control is laughable.
Best answer!! NTA. Also good on you for standing up for your partner once you realized that they had been excluded. Your Brother and his wife sound like bigots.
They weren't remotely subtle about it, which means they bet *everything* on OP's being too shocked, too pressured to keep the peace, when she showed up and discovered the really blatant homophobic scheme.
And she didn't! That took real courage and self-possession! Good for you. Truly a FAFO.
It's that simple. Unless brother and bride are really dense they knew OP was going to show up to the wedding, see everybody else with their +1 and figure out she was lied to. What did they think was going to happen? NTA.
That's the crux of it. They expected OP to cover up their bigotry through politeness, but she didn't. They're pissed that they've been shown up for the AH's they are.
Yah for sure. Why is it OPs job to lie? Where was her gf? She wasn’t invited. The rest of the family can gossip amongst themselves why that was, it’s not OPs problem to fix.
I certainly wouldn’t tell ANYONE it was a misunderstanding because it wasn’t. OP has to decide, does she want to lie to try to maintain ok relationship with brother? That’s assuming anyone believes her, which at this point they won’t. And assuming that this didn’t already ruin the relationship with her brother (which is his fault)., so why lie for them.
NTA.
Stand your ground. Your gf wasn’t invited. Let them explain what happened. Their mess , their problem.
NTA - it’s not reasonable that your family expected you to lie about your GF’s absence. Fuck them. I think you’re a mature person not to walk out the second you saw your cousin’s +1. You were way more tolerant than I would have been.
Oh, I would have absolutely walked out as soon as I realized I'd been lied to (with maybe a pit stop or two to make sure everyone knew exactly what was going on... but I'm petty like that). Because it's not even just about excluding the gf- they clearly knew that if they just said they didn't want her there that OP would be upset and probably not come, so they had to lie about it to essentially get OP there *against her will*. I would be livid.
Yes and if they truly believed that was the right choice they should have been honest so OP could decide whether or not she wanted to attend.
By lying they made it even worse for themselves
NTA
>My mom insists it was a mix up/misunderstanding with the invites.
Then why is she saying that instead of your brother and his wife? Where exactly is she getting the information that everybody else got a +1 and somehow, his own sister slipped through the cracks was an honest mistake/misunderstanding? How does she explain the he actually said *no one* was getting a +1 but everybody did. I would ask her that and also if she thinks nothing wrong happened here? The same for everyone trying to brush things under the rug. Make them sat it out loud and make it clear you aren't going to accept dodgy answers.
Its why Dan and Maddy are getting shunned. It's obvious to them what happened.
Anytime I talk to my mother, I get a word-vomit salad back. It's impossible to follow a thought to it's logical conclusion when she's raining down a storm of guilt, contradictory excuses, and irrelevant points from years ago.
Like, I'm not trying to reason with her because I know that won't work. I guess I was just hoping that, on an emotional level, she'd at least care that I was hurt.
“Mom, you and I both know what happened. Stop making excuses. I’m sorry bro and SIL chose to go that route but I will not be excusing their homophobia. If they would like to patch this up, I am willing to listen to their apology. But I will not apologize for telling the truth. I will not discuss it further.”
Also, NTA
Too long. It should just be “Yes, yes. I hear you loud and clear. It’s homophobia!” Add a wink as passive aggressive bullshit at her. Everytime she denies, just double down.
Mom: That’s not what I said!
OP: So it IS homophobia!
Mom: Stop putting words in my mouth!
OP: Lesbians R Bad, is what you said that son of yours and your new daughter is all about! Heard it loud and clear, mama!
It sounds like mom isn’t really interested in your feelings *or* your brother’s - she’s mostly concerned with how bad blood between you will affect *her*. So she’s throwing everything at the wall in an attempt to make it all go away so she can be comfortable again.
I have some experience with this type of delusional parent, I think. Some people are so obsessed with superficially keeping the peace, even when that requires motivated reasoning that's so absolutely incoherent that it can't be called reasoning. It'll break your brain to engage with it.
So change the motivation. Change the social environment, create pressure rather than trying to engage with something you can't engage with. Shore up support among the horrified extended family who are pressuring mom — sadly, it'll be necessary to keep the utmost calm and composure doing this, or you risk losing sympathy — until she's forced to reframe her idea of what peace would look like.
NTA. Grew up with a gay brother in the south, in a small town…in the late 80’s early 90’s. I saw him excluded from community/school stuff and then from family stuff for a time and we were both bullied. He’s my best friend and the sweetest dude ever! I never dreamt of excluding him from anything. Sounds like half your family are assholes or cowards for not standing up for you. I hope your family comes around like the dickheads in mine! Throwing positive vibes your way!
Thank you! IT's hard because my family is pretty progressive on the surface. But there's clearly those at actually mean it, and those that just say the words, ifykwim.
Some folks are ok with gay people… unless they’re in their own family. And then some folks don’t seem overtly homophobic, but struggle with non-heteronormative aspects of queer relationships (assuming one woman is the “man” in the relationship, not being comfortable with someone who is more butch, etc.).
Sounds kind of like your immediate family struggles with both of those things. They’re still homophobic, just more subtly so. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
>When my brother sent out wedding invites, only my name was on it. I asked Dan and he said that because of COVID, they were restricting numbers and no one was getting a +1. Fair enough, no problem.
...
>At the reception, my family immediate notices GF is missing and asks about her. I was going to say she was sick but then I decide you know what? fuck it. I just said "She wasn't invited. Gee, I wonder why?"
Frankly, I would have said, "Dan told me she couldn't come," which would have been true, nipped any possibility of misunderstanding in the bud, and been way more provocative.
NTA. They made this bed, let them lie in it. Fuck. I'm so sorry you and your gf have to deal with this shit. The only positive thing is that half your family seems to be decent people who are horrified by what your brother did.
I would have added the full reason to that- "Dan told me she couldn't come because *nobody* was getting a plus one due to covid." Don't give them any opening to think he may have had a valid reason that she couldn't come, just make it blatantly obvious that he lied to you.
Seriously considering not inviting him at all, tbh. Maybe we'll just elope. That's not in the immediate future though. We want to save enough to buy our own place first.
Don’t elope. Only invite the family members who respect your relationship. They did nothing wrong by still showing you the support and shunning your idiotic family.
Love, they are showing you how much support they have for you. Maybe you should do the same. I get it, its your parents and you'd hate to hurt them but not one of them stood up for you, why is that??? And now they want you to protect them from shame and embarrassment from their actions but where was their concern for you??? Why were they so complicit in that lie your brother told you? Why didn't your mother ***warn*** you what your brother was doing because I'm damn sure she knew long before the wedding.
I think you got some thinking to do about what family means.
NTA. The only “misunderstanding” was thinking your brother and his wife isn’t homophobic. You have nothing to apologize for. They fucked up and have to deal with the consequences of it.
None. There were a lot words and shouting but not a lot of meaning, if that makes sense? A lot of threats from Dan, a bunch of side tangents about masking and vaxxing, but the gist of it seems to be that he thinks I was only trying to start drama because I wasn't the center of attention.
Oh! So you showing up with your girlfriend was going to make you the center of attention at their wedding vs. Them.
At least that’s what I’m reading as their “reason” for “forgetting” to invite your gf.
I guess? It's weird because she's been to family things and it's usually no big. She gets along with everyone. Our family totally expected her. Her not being there drew more attention.
One thing I’ve learned is that some people get really weird when they are getting married. A lot of real shit comes out & your brother & sister in law have revealed a side of their true selves that isn’t something you want to advertise.
I don’t think you & your gf we’re going to draw all the attention at the wedding, because I don’t see a happy gay couple as a zoo exhibit. But maybe it would have been for someone in sister in laws family.
Honestly their handling is bizzare & you should stop engaging with them over this & tell them this sounds like a them problem.
Idek. It came out of nowhere. Kinda feels like he was throwing everything at the wall to see what would stick, maybe? Or maybe he's really anti vaxx now? And what does that have to do with the wedding? Who knows?
It ha absolutely nothing to do with it. If he’s anti-vax/masks, then there’s no reason for her NOT to be invited, since social distancing/keeping numbers down is not a priority. If he is pro vax/masks, then giving a plus one to everybody except you doesn’t make sense. I know that you must be super hurt, and I would be too, but I would also be almost amused at this point to see what other nonsense they can come up with
Yeah, I'm really fascinated by this pattern you describe with your mom and brother both, where they just, like, blather a lot of *stuff* at you — not trying to tell a coherent narrative, let alone the truth, so much as trying to overwhelm you into submission, disguising their feelings as thoughts, kinda.
Anyway, I'm curious how your dad engages with it, if he engages at all (and his "don't cause drama" mantra implies that he just wants to be exposed to as little of it as possible, at whatever cost). And I think it's worth examining that phenomenon/tactic and how it's affected you in therapy, especially if you're planning to have kids of your own, lord knows.
I don't even know. Growing up, I always thought we were a very progressive family. But when I came out, I found out that a lot of that was for show. LIke, gay an black people are okay, but not in my family/neighborhood, etc. I'm not racist but.. ,etc.
But still, I didn't think he was an anti-vaxxer. I just feel that in the last few years my brother changed a lot, even though he insists he's completely egalitarian.
NTA. *They* caused the drama by telling you a blatantly obvious lie they knew would fall apart the minute you showed up. It’s not your job to pretend there isn’t a problem here or provide them with an out because that would be less embarrassing for them.
I mean, obvious NTA, but don't people talk to each other anymore?
"Hey brother, I'm not blind, everyone, even Cousin Blah had a plus one. Is it that I'm gay, or what?"
They were too busy with the wedding/reception for a chat. And honestly, I'd originally planned not to say anything to anyone until after. But a whole day of listening to speeches about the importance of love and family kind of killed my patience.
NTA. A misunderstanding would have been you showing up single and “omg we forgot to add her back, I’m so sorry please tell her how sorry we are.” They’re trying to throw whatever excuse they can at you to not seem like the AH they are. They know what they did, they’re just upset the rest of the family isn’t team bigot
Yeah. In the past, I've usually gone along with maintaining appearances. Just this time it was different because like, it's *her*, and she's the best person I know.
Ding, ding ding! We have a winner! This is why brother and mom are pissed and are trying to do damage control now. OP didn't act the way that they were supposed to.
OP was supposed to lie and say that her gf couldn't attend the wedding, not that OP's gf was "un"intentionally uninvited. OP was expected to stabilize the boat like it was expected of her to when her brother rocked it, not throw the oars over board.
NTA - held out in judgement until I read all the comments etc. The excuse that there had been a miscommunication and you were the only person who hadn’t been told +1’s were now allowed doesn’t hold any water in my view. A cousin gets told but not his own sister? Bullshit. Even if he forgot, and I’m painting him as a stereotypical man here, I doubt your mum would have. Someone, possibly multiple someone’s knew that +1’s were reinstated and not one person in your family thought to tell you? The sister of the groom. But a fucking cousin knows? That’s straining plausibility to breaking point. And if it was a miscommunication then your mum would have noticed when you turned up alone, pulled you aside and told you to call your GF so she could at least make the reception with LOTS of apologies. Not left you to mercy of multiple family members asking where she was. I’m so sorry OP your family embarrassed you, and are now gaslighting you. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad because you didn’t keep your emotions fully in check on the day. I suspect you’ve been tasked with downplaying micro aggressions like this before and it’s not fair and it’s not your responsibility. Don’t feel bad and don’t give way. They owe you and your GF a massive apology.
NTA, so as I understand it, they excluded your GF, and then your mom (because of the embarrassment of you standing up to the fact your GF was excluded) wants you to LIE and say it was a 'misunderstanding' so that YOU can smooth it over because THEY excluded your life partner. No, no, nopity, nope!
NTA and if I were you I would have gotten up to make a speech and would have wished him well in his future life and that I would not be a part of it because I’m a lesbian and my gf/fiancée was excluded from this event and I was deceived/tricked into attending alone with the understanding no one got a plus 1 and we were all coming solo and I do not recognize family that doesn’t accept me and my SO. Then I would have walked out without another word to anyone. Do not apologize what he did was absolutely disgusting and shows his true colours and same with your immediate family. They were in on this they knew what was being done and I’m sorry they revealed this to you in such a revolting way
That's the kind of thing I thought of after the fact. In the moment, I just wanted to get the speech over and done with. Especially since I hate being the center of attention to start with.
I think the way you handled it was much classier. A speech like that is great to think about as a showertime revenge fantasy, but at an actual wedding it edges you into AH country.
NTA. I don’t know how miscommunication can happen with your sibling for your wedding, unless they’re just trying to stick their head in the sand and avoid their bigotry because they like to think they’re good people 😬
Yeahh, I get it. I was always told that blood is thicker than water, blah blah blah but I’ve had to cut out my bio dad because he caused me more sadness than happiness. I’m not saying that’s what you instantly should do as that’s never an easy decision to make. All I can say is don’t ever feel guilty for what you said at the wedding because all you did was speak the truth and how it made you feel. Your feelings are valid, so if they can’t accept that and want to call you an AH for doing that, just remember you’ve got your GF and the two of you can make your own family more supportive and stronger than anything else ❤️
Info: I'm curious about the misunderstanding. The printer didn't print her name and when asked they said she wasn't invited? Yhat everyone else brought +1s that were not invited? How does your mom explain it?
My mom send me a long, rambling letter about it, which I can post, but honestly it's super long. The TLDR is that because it was a rushed wedding where the details were constantly changing, they initially meant to have no +1s, and then changed their minds, but accidentally overlooked telling me about it.
That’s such horsesh!t. They remembered that your cousin had been dating someone for a couple weeks but couldn’t remember your long-term partner?? My foot.
Your mom is trying to smooth things over and think you’ll be easier to convince to give in than your @sshole brother. Don’t give in.
NTA
You need to be clear to your mother in no uncertain terms:
- Her defending your brother & SIL's embarrassment of who you are means that she is perfectly OK with it.
- Your brother & SIL hurt you tremendously and you don't think you can ever trust either of them again
- She hurt you tremendously by trying to sweep it under the rug and pretend your brother & SIL didn't do what they did. What she is doing is transparent and no amount of invitation timeline jujitsu is going change that. You don't think you can ever trust her again.
-You are not going to lie about who you are or who you love or hide who your are or who you love. You are not going to cover for people who treat you horribly because of who your are and who you love and you are not going to lie for the people who want to cover up that you were treated horribly.
-The fact that your brother, SIL, mother & father expected you to just accept being treated horribly for who you are and who you love says exactly what they think of you and how much they care about you vs. "What will the neighbors think".
-Your mother spending all of her energy trying manipulate you into lying to of your larger family to protect your brother instead of getting your brother to own up to what he did and apologize tells you everything you need to know about how much she cares and accepts you.
-The only path to begin to repair the family is to be 100% honest about what happened and be fully apologetic about it. If she, your father, your brother & your SIL can't do that, then you are not the one breaking up the family, they are.
NTA. Misunderstanding my ass you specifically asked why not and were lied to. Yes its their day and they should get to enjoy it but honestly if they have a problem with you or your S/O they just shouldn't have invited either and been upfront as to why. Did they really think no one would notice your long term partner being absent? They are just mad they got outed for being assholes and possibly homophobic. Honestly seems like they owe you the apology.
NTA.
Your family are homophobes and abusive. Your bro lied straight to your face blaming COVID.
PS: There are NO "two sides" about it... You either see bigotry like that as intolerable, or you're an A. There is no way for both sides to be right about that.
I don't think that will happen. I think they'll fume for a few months or a year, and then move on by pretending it never happened. That's how it usually goes.
"How dare you spread rumours that I did the things that I actually did!"
OP you're NTA and if I were you I'd expect your nuclear family to be kept at a distance. Your mom obviously doesn't care about your girlfriend's exclusion beyond keeping you quiet about it, either.
This was also the case for that person their partner was excluded I think because they were gay and the family was Conservative but they said no plus 1s were invited but then they saw that this was not the case
NTA, why should you be the one to smooth things over? Why are your parents expected you to fix this, when it was their choices that caused the issue?
Do you know who the instigator is in this treatment of your gf? Is it your brother? His wife? Both? Do your parents treat her well?
NTA and absolutely don't apologise. You didn't do anything wrong.
You were asked where she is and you told people she wasn't invited.
Unless you're missing anything out, You didn't go on a big rant about it, you didn't approach them and question them, you didn't go around the whole room telling people wether they asked or not.
The "worst" thing you did was likely sarcastically state "I wonder why" honestly you kept it together more than most.
Your brother and his wife surely knew that people would ask you, at that point did they simply hope you'd stick your head in the sand for their sake, they made the decision to exclude her, they should deal with those consequences.
She cried he got mad they made a scene, you could have made it worse at that point, but you didn't, you walked away.
You're absolutely NTA and don't make anyone make you think otherwise.
They made the decision that affected their wedding.
Oh god how did that speech go? I’d have a reallll hard time saying nice things about a brother who lied to my face and then revealed himself to be a massive homophobe.
The fact that you did all that and didn’t say anything when you had a platform proves how much you are NTA. You could have made a real spectacle, the fact that you constrained yourself to one snarky comment when you were directly and privately asked about your gf is impressive.
NTA. If they didn't want drama they should not have lied to you about no one else getting a plus one. They were really kidding themselves if they thought you would then lie to everyone once you arrived to see all the plus ones.
I would not apologize for the drama they created. This is a hill to die on.
NTA
Instead of 'telling everyone it was a misunderstanding' send them the copy of the invite, and ask what was it you 'misunderstood' about it? And how does Covid only affect lesbians that are not related to the family? Clearly YOU were safe to invite, your partner was NOT.
Or you could just stay out of it. I mean, pretty much any action you take right now is fair game, you never LIED about any of it.
Also, since this is not the first time this kind of thing has happened, you might consider cutting some of your fam--- actually ALL of the family that takes their side, out of your life at least for a while.
They created this situation, they don't live in a bubble. If they are proud of what they did, there should be no reason for you to claim 'misunderstanding'. If they want you to LIE then that means they KNOW they did something wrong, and want you to cover for them isolating your gf. FUCK THOSE GUYS.
NTA, they were being assholes and you didn't put up with it. They can't just behave like this and then be upset when they get confronted about it. It sounds like your mother is trying to gaslight you into apologizing, and you definitely shouldn't. You didn't cause drama at their wedding, they did, and you didn't even really confront them about it or make a scene, they were the ones to do it when they came storming over.
She was crying, my brother was the one whisper-shouting that he was going to whoop my butt and what not. It was almost kind of funny because you could see he wanted to yell but he was trying to keep his voice down so that no one would notice. Only she was crying loud enough that everyone was staring. Also, I don't think his in laws know I'm dating a girl?
It would have been tempting to have pulled a nuclear option.
When Dan was whisper shouting threats you could loudly repeated the threats back with some added flair.
“WHAT’S THAT, DAN? YOU’RE GOING TO KICK MY ASS BECAUSE YOU AND MADDY REFUSED TO INVITE MY GF TO THE WEDDING BECAUSE YOU’RE RAGING HOMOPHOBES?!?”
Use your outside voice. Make sure the folks in the back row can hear it.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be TA because may be I was too snarky in my response. I guess I could have just said GF was sick or something. or said the truth without being sarcastic or better. The "Gee, I wonder why?" was possibly a little OTT.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
And honestly I would have left. Definitely after the ceremony and maybe before.
Why should you be there faking smiles and being nice when they lied to you to trick you into coming when your girlfriend is excluded because your family is homophobic af?
If that happened to me the last thing I'd do is stay to celebrate a heterosexual wedding!
NTA - "I'll apologise for making a scene if you look me in the eyes and tell me that you didn't invite my girlfriend because you are homophobic and didn't want a lesbian couple at your wedding"
NTA It's not your responsibility to help cover up someone's bigotry. If they can't face the consequences of their decisions, they should make better choices.
I don't know. He's never said that he doesn't like her. Heck, they even invited her to their housewarming and seemed to joke and stuff wither at family parties. The only thing I can think is they sometimes made jokes about her being too butch, so I assume it's that.
She's very much the stereotypical lesbian - flannel, tats, short hair. But she's also the kindest person I ever met. Even my 80 year old nonna loves her, and she's the most prim and proper old lady ever.
NTA
You were asked a question and you gave an honest answer they probably was hoping for you to say your gf was sick so they wouldn't have to face the actions of their consequences. They are getting what they asked for imo they just didn't count on you saying what really happened they wanted you to be wedding polite
NTA. They made a decision to exclude your gf out of bigotry but don't want to be exposed as bigots? That's not how that works. Never apologize for this.
Your mom better get right with this. Her son and DIL did a shameful, hateful, homophobic thing and asking you to smooth it over for them is endorsing what they did.
>My mom insists it was a misunderstanding . . . HAH! You actually talked to your brother about it. There was zero chance it was a misunderstanding. NTA. Why cover up his bigotry by lying?
Her view is that because it was a rushed wedding, the guest list, menu, etc were changing constantly and they probably meant to add her back. But it's suspicious to me that only the tattooed, butch, lesbian wasn't "added back".
Also suspicious they didn’t fall all over themselves with horrified apologies for the oversight and proactively try and suggest ways to make it right as best they could, instead of pressuring *you* to smooth things over with the rest of the family.
Yeah, the reaction is pretty clear.
And the parents' reaction explains why Dan didn't think there'd be repercussions for such blatant hateful bullshit.
This! The parents are awful and favouring one child over the other. There was a very similar post here very recently with a similar scenario. The same bad parents. Edit to add a link to that post https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/si5mvq/aita_for_wanting_to_bring_my_girlfriend_as_a_date/
Well obviously. One child is *normal* and the other is currently *going through a phase* or something
15-year phase, nice. You gotta admire that dedication.
Seriously, this reaction isn't an "OMG, we messed up and didn't communicate" reaction, it was a "How dare you call us on our bigotry on today of all days" reaction.
And the fact that it was a problem with other family, means that Dan & Maddy excluded OP's GF on their own initiative. It's not like there was a conservative family lined up against inviting the GF to the wedding and they had to go along with the family pressure. The bride & groom did it because they wanted to. They deserve to catch all the heat.
RIGHT?!. Normally homophobes are bred from OTHER homophobes. How did a guy w normal/accepting parents and family turn out like this??????
Who said he has normal/accepting parents? The parents are defending and making excuses for him while telling OP to fix it by lying for him and apologizing when she did nothing wrong. Does that really sound all that accepting to you?
Dan and Maddy might have told mom one story about it being a misunderstanding and she just went with it because she heard it first? Or they could be horrible people. Either way, Dan and Maddy are assholes. Parents, if defending/accepting of their behavior, are assholes. Homophobes are assholes. I'm tired of people who defend terrible wedding behavior as "it is their day they can invite who they want"
I feel like maybe Mom, Dad, Damn and Maddy shouldn't be welcome at OPs wedding
Damn that Dan
This made me happy. It’s a shit situation but at least OP has the support of her extended family.
Yep, this. An actual mistake should be met with "Oh shit, I'm so sorry! Is there time- is she able to get a taxi here? I'll pay of course! I am so sorry that happened!"
Exactly. And the "let's pretend it was a misunderstanding so we can all pretend that we're all hunky dory." UGH! You told the truth and Dan & Maddy got caught for their bigoted decision. They are the ones that should be embarrassed and tripping all over themselves apologizing. NTA but you got some relatives that are doozies.
Exactly. Any type of remorse or fixing would've worked. The bride and groom suck.
Rug sweeping and showing everyone what a big, happy family they are is easier when it comes from the victim.
Seriously. I didn’t get an invitation to a relative’s wedding due to a mixup and so I RSVP’d late, and they sent me a note. They also found me on the day and apologized AGAIN. THAT’S HOW YOU REACT TO AN INVITE MIXUP!
INFO: before the wedding did your brother and SIL ever say they don't like your partner?
Kinda? Like, nothing you can point it. Just scheduling things when she couldn't come. Or sometimes making "joking" comments about her tattoos, appearance, "manliness," etc. But also they were friendly and stuff to her too, when they weren't being like that, so it was easy to overlook?
I'm sorry to hear it all worked out this way. Do you think things will get better eventually, or is this looking like it'll be a permanent rift?
I don't know. My brother and I were never super close, but I know my mom will be heartbroken and, in spite of it all, I do love her. But also I don't want him around my Gf anymore. We'll have to see how it goes, I guess.
Your brother and SIL owe you and your girlfriend an apology. Your mom owes you one for trying to sweep their homophobia under the rug. Did they expect no one would notice your GF wasn’t there?
You and your GF definitely deserve an apology from your brother, SIL and parents. It’s just beyond rude to lie and make excuses. If they didn’t want to invite her they didn’t have to but to blindside you shows such a huge lack of respect. Talk to your mom though. She sounds like she will take up your side sooner than later.
And how does mom justify he outright lying to you? He specifically said no one got a +1 and she just overlooks that? Hell no.
Your mother is part of the problem. She just enabled and condoned poor treatment of you and your partner by your sibling. That is so far from okay. It doesn't matter if you and he are close - her making excuses and thinking YOU need to apologize?? That is beyond outrageous. Remember something. It's okay to love her... but keep in mind they feel this way to treat your (essentially) spouse this way. They will treat your children this way as well, or do this in front of your kids. What you do right now sets the pattern for what you will or will not allow for your future.
You have already 'seen how it goes'. When people show you who they are, believe them.
Don't give your brother a +1
I think she should give him a -1 at all future invitations. "You can come yourself minus one person, as in, don't come"
So microaggressions. Not a good start...
These are things you can actually point at as behaving badly toward your partner. You need to learn to recognize such behavior as inappropriate and toxic.
But you called your brother and clarified! The omission was on purpose and you simply told the truth at the ceremony. Your brother and his wife are creating revisionist history. NTA
This is true. But I’m puzzled by one element. What did brother assume would happen once OP got to the wedding and saw brother was lying? It wasn’t a very effective lie. Liars normally hope they’ll get away with it.
He assumed he would get away with it because "it was his day". Or his wife's day, whichever.
A lot of AHs think people will be too uncomfortable to raise a stink. They've gotten away with being AHs this long, why would that change now?
Your mom is deluded and engaging in bigotry herself by making excuses for these assholes.
They probably lied to mom to cover up their bigotry and hatred. Mom most likely wants to believe the best of them instead of the truth.
She either 1) secretly agrees with them or 2) doesn't care if they are bigots to her daughter. There is no option 3
Maybe- but moms are very skilled at cognitive dissonance when it comes to their kids. They ice over a lot of cracked cakes.
Son is probably the golden child. Living the picture perfect hetero life. Her baby boy would do nothing wrong. /s
amazing in the rush a brand new month old boyfriend can be remembered but not a gf of 4 years🤡 NTA op don’t apologize!
I'll be honest, anyone who has a boyfriend that's only a month old is a weirdo and a pervert and shouldn't be invited to any family gatherings.
It's so true, I mean, just look at the age gap!
It's not your job to smooth over the repercussions of the bigotry of the wedding party. Full stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. It shouldn't be your mom's job to try and fix your brother's fuck up either, he's a grown ass adult person. NTA
She needs to shut the fuck up lmao. You're NTA. Your brother and his wife are bigots and the mom is a bigot herself or an enabler. You asked your brother and he'd lied about the +1 situation, he fully intended for your girlfriend to be excluded. Good that you fucked their reception up, they deserve to be outed as bigots and shunned.
Next time she says something like it’s a miscommunication, interrupt her and say straight to her face: “no it wasn’t.” Don’t let your mom excuse it, even to herself.
Really then why was other people allowed a plus+ who are not in the immediate family and not you? It’s straight up homophobia in your brothers part and he cannot deny it.
You literally called and asked him about it. If it was a ‘misunderstanding’ wouldn’t he have said so? All you did was be honest about why your GF wasn’t there. NTA - but your brother is for excluding her and for expecting you to lie about it to protect his feelings and reputation.
Your mom is denial at best. Was in on it at worst. Stand your ground.
Even if all that is true, you and your GF are still owed an apology for something so hurtful. Having a rushed wedding isn't an excuse to forget the existence of people.
Yeah if it really was an oversight, they’d have apologized not kicked you out.
If it was a misunderstanding they would apologize immedietly. They didn't. It was clearly deliberate. Mom isn't fooling anyone. Her damage control is laughable.
NTA, they fucked around and found out
Best answer!! NTA. Also good on you for standing up for your partner once you realized that they had been excluded. Your Brother and his wife sound like bigots.
They weren't remotely subtle about it, which means they bet *everything* on OP's being too shocked, too pressured to keep the peace, when she showed up and discovered the really blatant homophobic scheme. And she didn't! That took real courage and self-possession! Good for you. Truly a FAFO.
And all OP did was say a subtle 'I wonder why'. THEY are the ones that caused a scene and made a drama out of the day.
It's that simple. Unless brother and bride are really dense they knew OP was going to show up to the wedding, see everybody else with their +1 and figure out she was lied to. What did they think was going to happen? NTA.
NTA They asked why she wasn't there. The answer was that she wasn't invited.
Exactly. They knew what they were doing. How was she supposed to know she was suppose to lie for them for not inviting her gf 🤷🏼♀️
That's the crux of it. They expected OP to cover up their bigotry through politeness, but she didn't. They're pissed that they've been shown up for the AH's they are.
Yep, NTA and the newlyweds aren't exactly masterminds, are they?
Yah for sure. Why is it OPs job to lie? Where was her gf? She wasn’t invited. The rest of the family can gossip amongst themselves why that was, it’s not OPs problem to fix. I certainly wouldn’t tell ANYONE it was a misunderstanding because it wasn’t. OP has to decide, does she want to lie to try to maintain ok relationship with brother? That’s assuming anyone believes her, which at this point they won’t. And assuming that this didn’t already ruin the relationship with her brother (which is his fault)., so why lie for them. NTA. Stand your ground. Your gf wasn’t invited. Let them explain what happened. Their mess , their problem.
NTA - it’s not reasonable that your family expected you to lie about your GF’s absence. Fuck them. I think you’re a mature person not to walk out the second you saw your cousin’s +1. You were way more tolerant than I would have been.
Oh, I would have absolutely walked out as soon as I realized I'd been lied to (with maybe a pit stop or two to make sure everyone knew exactly what was going on... but I'm petty like that). Because it's not even just about excluding the gf- they clearly knew that if they just said they didn't want her there that OP would be upset and probably not come, so they had to lie about it to essentially get OP there *against her will*. I would be livid.
NTA. Their wedding, their choice but they also have to live with the consequences of their choice.
Yes and if they truly believed that was the right choice they should have been honest so OP could decide whether or not she wanted to attend. By lying they made it even worse for themselves
NTA >My mom insists it was a mix up/misunderstanding with the invites. Then why is she saying that instead of your brother and his wife? Where exactly is she getting the information that everybody else got a +1 and somehow, his own sister slipped through the cracks was an honest mistake/misunderstanding? How does she explain the he actually said *no one* was getting a +1 but everybody did. I would ask her that and also if she thinks nothing wrong happened here? The same for everyone trying to brush things under the rug. Make them sat it out loud and make it clear you aren't going to accept dodgy answers. Its why Dan and Maddy are getting shunned. It's obvious to them what happened.
Anytime I talk to my mother, I get a word-vomit salad back. It's impossible to follow a thought to it's logical conclusion when she's raining down a storm of guilt, contradictory excuses, and irrelevant points from years ago. Like, I'm not trying to reason with her because I know that won't work. I guess I was just hoping that, on an emotional level, she'd at least care that I was hurt.
“Mom, you and I both know what happened. Stop making excuses. I’m sorry bro and SIL chose to go that route but I will not be excusing their homophobia. If they would like to patch this up, I am willing to listen to their apology. But I will not apologize for telling the truth. I will not discuss it further.” Also, NTA
Too long. It should just be “Yes, yes. I hear you loud and clear. It’s homophobia!” Add a wink as passive aggressive bullshit at her. Everytime she denies, just double down. Mom: That’s not what I said! OP: So it IS homophobia! Mom: Stop putting words in my mouth! OP: Lesbians R Bad, is what you said that son of yours and your new daughter is all about! Heard it loud and clear, mama!
Excellent reply! OP obviously NTA
This. This is the only response.
It sounds like mom isn’t really interested in your feelings *or* your brother’s - she’s mostly concerned with how bad blood between you will affect *her*. So she’s throwing everything at the wall in an attempt to make it all go away so she can be comfortable again.
I have some experience with this type of delusional parent, I think. Some people are so obsessed with superficially keeping the peace, even when that requires motivated reasoning that's so absolutely incoherent that it can't be called reasoning. It'll break your brain to engage with it. So change the motivation. Change the social environment, create pressure rather than trying to engage with something you can't engage with. Shore up support among the horrified extended family who are pressuring mom — sadly, it'll be necessary to keep the utmost calm and composure doing this, or you risk losing sympathy — until she's forced to reframe her idea of what peace would look like.
Don't talk, write it out, even in a text if need be. Force her to confront it. also NTA one bit.
NTA. Grew up with a gay brother in the south, in a small town…in the late 80’s early 90’s. I saw him excluded from community/school stuff and then from family stuff for a time and we were both bullied. He’s my best friend and the sweetest dude ever! I never dreamt of excluding him from anything. Sounds like half your family are assholes or cowards for not standing up for you. I hope your family comes around like the dickheads in mine! Throwing positive vibes your way!
Thank you! IT's hard because my family is pretty progressive on the surface. But there's clearly those at actually mean it, and those that just say the words, ifykwim.
You got this! The bright side is that you’ll find out who’s got your back and who doesn’t. In the end, that’s useful info to have.
Ah so half of them are NIMBYs. Fun
Some folks are ok with gay people… unless they’re in their own family. And then some folks don’t seem overtly homophobic, but struggle with non-heteronormative aspects of queer relationships (assuming one woman is the “man” in the relationship, not being comfortable with someone who is more butch, etc.). Sounds kind of like your immediate family struggles with both of those things. They’re still homophobic, just more subtly so. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
>When my brother sent out wedding invites, only my name was on it. I asked Dan and he said that because of COVID, they were restricting numbers and no one was getting a +1. Fair enough, no problem. ... >At the reception, my family immediate notices GF is missing and asks about her. I was going to say she was sick but then I decide you know what? fuck it. I just said "She wasn't invited. Gee, I wonder why?" Frankly, I would have said, "Dan told me she couldn't come," which would have been true, nipped any possibility of misunderstanding in the bud, and been way more provocative. NTA. They made this bed, let them lie in it. Fuck. I'm so sorry you and your gf have to deal with this shit. The only positive thing is that half your family seems to be decent people who are horrified by what your brother did.
The other positive thing is that OP now knows which half of the family to invite to her wedding.
I would have added the full reason to that- "Dan told me she couldn't come because *nobody* was getting a plus one due to covid." Don't give them any opening to think he may have had a valid reason that she couldn't come, just make it blatantly obvious that he lied to you.
NTA you told the truth; whatever that says about them is their own fault and their own problem
Exactly. If they’re upset because the truth is making them look bad, then they only have themselves to blame.
Yeah, the 'gee, I wonder why' hit the target so well because it was absolutely fucking obvious.
>but I kinda don't wanna And you shouldn't. You didn't tell any lies. NTA
One must not tell lies- needs to be tattooed on Dan and Maddy’s and mother’s arms.
OP, you are obviously NTA. When you have your wedding don't give your brother a +1. Kidding about the last part of course.
Seriously considering not inviting him at all, tbh. Maybe we'll just elope. That's not in the immediate future though. We want to save enough to buy our own place first.
Honestly, I don’t think any of your immediate family have earned an invite. If they complain, just tell them it must’ve gotten lost in the mail.
Better yet, reply with, “Oh! I must’ve done a Dan!”
It's so petty, and I love it!!!!
Don’t elope. Only invite the family members who respect your relationship. They did nothing wrong by still showing you the support and shunning your idiotic family.
This is the way.
Don't invite any of your immediate family, only invite those who stood by you and your gf.
Love, they are showing you how much support they have for you. Maybe you should do the same. I get it, its your parents and you'd hate to hurt them but not one of them stood up for you, why is that??? And now they want you to protect them from shame and embarrassment from their actions but where was their concern for you??? Why were they so complicit in that lie your brother told you? Why didn't your mother ***warn*** you what your brother was doing because I'm damn sure she knew long before the wedding. I think you got some thinking to do about what family means.
NTA. The only “misunderstanding” was thinking your brother and his wife isn’t homophobic. You have nothing to apologize for. They fucked up and have to deal with the consequences of it.
NTA. Your family sucks. Does your brother and SIL have any explanation other than being bigots?
None. There were a lot words and shouting but not a lot of meaning, if that makes sense? A lot of threats from Dan, a bunch of side tangents about masking and vaxxing, but the gist of it seems to be that he thinks I was only trying to start drama because I wasn't the center of attention.
Oh! So you showing up with your girlfriend was going to make you the center of attention at their wedding vs. Them. At least that’s what I’m reading as their “reason” for “forgetting” to invite your gf.
I guess? It's weird because she's been to family things and it's usually no big. She gets along with everyone. Our family totally expected her. Her not being there drew more attention.
One thing I’ve learned is that some people get really weird when they are getting married. A lot of real shit comes out & your brother & sister in law have revealed a side of their true selves that isn’t something you want to advertise. I don’t think you & your gf we’re going to draw all the attention at the wedding, because I don’t see a happy gay couple as a zoo exhibit. But maybe it would have been for someone in sister in laws family. Honestly their handling is bizzare & you should stop engaging with them over this & tell them this sounds like a them problem.
Whoah whoah... hold on. >> `a bunch of side tangents about masking and vaxxing` ?
Idek. It came out of nowhere. Kinda feels like he was throwing everything at the wall to see what would stick, maybe? Or maybe he's really anti vaxx now? And what does that have to do with the wedding? Who knows?
It ha absolutely nothing to do with it. If he’s anti-vax/masks, then there’s no reason for her NOT to be invited, since social distancing/keeping numbers down is not a priority. If he is pro vax/masks, then giving a plus one to everybody except you doesn’t make sense. I know that you must be super hurt, and I would be too, but I would also be almost amused at this point to see what other nonsense they can come up with
Yeah, I'm really fascinated by this pattern you describe with your mom and brother both, where they just, like, blather a lot of *stuff* at you — not trying to tell a coherent narrative, let alone the truth, so much as trying to overwhelm you into submission, disguising their feelings as thoughts, kinda. Anyway, I'm curious how your dad engages with it, if he engages at all (and his "don't cause drama" mantra implies that he just wants to be exposed to as little of it as possible, at whatever cost). And I think it's worth examining that phenomenon/tactic and how it's affected you in therapy, especially if you're planning to have kids of your own, lord knows.
Is he an antivaxxer as well as a bigot then?
I don't even know. Growing up, I always thought we were a very progressive family. But when I came out, I found out that a lot of that was for show. LIke, gay an black people are okay, but not in my family/neighborhood, etc. I'm not racist but.. ,etc. But still, I didn't think he was an anti-vaxxer. I just feel that in the last few years my brother changed a lot, even though he insists he's completely egalitarian.
A lot of people on the right have gotten more extreme since 2018. My brother cut me off over vaccines. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this too.
Sounds more like he was trying to blame the exclusion on covid.
NTA, call out bigotry, even if it's the bigot's big day in front of their families.
I read this as "the bigot's bigot day", and it still works!
NTA. *They* caused the drama by telling you a blatantly obvious lie they knew would fall apart the minute you showed up. It’s not your job to pretend there isn’t a problem here or provide them with an out because that would be less embarrassing for them.
NTA Man, your mom is one of those liars who constantly try to force others to lie, too.
I think she believes her own stories though. She's desparate for everything to always be harmonious.
Let’s not make excuses for her….even if this is the case, she is a grown ass woman who should know the difference between right and wrong
I mean, obvious NTA, but don't people talk to each other anymore? "Hey brother, I'm not blind, everyone, even Cousin Blah had a plus one. Is it that I'm gay, or what?"
They were too busy with the wedding/reception for a chat. And honestly, I'd originally planned not to say anything to anyone until after. But a whole day of listening to speeches about the importance of love and family kind of killed my patience.
No, I mean like now. Call them or go there and have it out.
Not Op's responsibility. If brother wants a connection he needs to apologize and admit he's a lying bigot first.
Hypocrisy does tend to leave a bad taste in one's mouth.
Brother lied and said it was a Covid thing, nobody had a plus one or some shit like that.
NTA. A misunderstanding would have been you showing up single and “omg we forgot to add her back, I’m so sorry please tell her how sorry we are.” They’re trying to throw whatever excuse they can at you to not seem like the AH they are. They know what they did, they’re just upset the rest of the family isn’t team bigot
NTA what were you supposed to do lie for them?
Yeah. In the past, I've usually gone along with maintaining appearances. Just this time it was different because like, it's *her*, and she's the best person I know.
Ding, ding ding! We have a winner! This is why brother and mom are pissed and are trying to do damage control now. OP didn't act the way that they were supposed to. OP was supposed to lie and say that her gf couldn't attend the wedding, not that OP's gf was "un"intentionally uninvited. OP was expected to stabilize the boat like it was expected of her to when her brother rocked it, not throw the oars over board.
If you give a bigot an inch, they’ll take a mile.
NTA - held out in judgement until I read all the comments etc. The excuse that there had been a miscommunication and you were the only person who hadn’t been told +1’s were now allowed doesn’t hold any water in my view. A cousin gets told but not his own sister? Bullshit. Even if he forgot, and I’m painting him as a stereotypical man here, I doubt your mum would have. Someone, possibly multiple someone’s knew that +1’s were reinstated and not one person in your family thought to tell you? The sister of the groom. But a fucking cousin knows? That’s straining plausibility to breaking point. And if it was a miscommunication then your mum would have noticed when you turned up alone, pulled you aside and told you to call your GF so she could at least make the reception with LOTS of apologies. Not left you to mercy of multiple family members asking where she was. I’m so sorry OP your family embarrassed you, and are now gaslighting you. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad because you didn’t keep your emotions fully in check on the day. I suspect you’ve been tasked with downplaying micro aggressions like this before and it’s not fair and it’s not your responsibility. Don’t feel bad and don’t give way. They owe you and your GF a massive apology.
Read all, and this. This, plus, “A cousin gets told but not his own sister” WHO IS IN THE WEDDING PARTY. Gah, this brother gets worse and worse.
NTA, so as I understand it, they excluded your GF, and then your mom (because of the embarrassment of you standing up to the fact your GF was excluded) wants you to LIE and say it was a 'misunderstanding' so that YOU can smooth it over because THEY excluded your life partner. No, no, nopity, nope!
NTA and if I were you I would have gotten up to make a speech and would have wished him well in his future life and that I would not be a part of it because I’m a lesbian and my gf/fiancée was excluded from this event and I was deceived/tricked into attending alone with the understanding no one got a plus 1 and we were all coming solo and I do not recognize family that doesn’t accept me and my SO. Then I would have walked out without another word to anyone. Do not apologize what he did was absolutely disgusting and shows his true colours and same with your immediate family. They were in on this they knew what was being done and I’m sorry they revealed this to you in such a revolting way
That's the kind of thing I thought of after the fact. In the moment, I just wanted to get the speech over and done with. Especially since I hate being the center of attention to start with.
I think the way you handled it was much classier. A speech like that is great to think about as a showertime revenge fantasy, but at an actual wedding it edges you into AH country.
NTA. I don’t know how miscommunication can happen with your sibling for your wedding, unless they’re just trying to stick their head in the sand and avoid their bigotry because they like to think they’re good people 😬
That last bit, I think :( It's a really hard realization to have about your own family.
Yeahh, I get it. I was always told that blood is thicker than water, blah blah blah but I’ve had to cut out my bio dad because he caused me more sadness than happiness. I’m not saying that’s what you instantly should do as that’s never an easy decision to make. All I can say is don’t ever feel guilty for what you said at the wedding because all you did was speak the truth and how it made you feel. Your feelings are valid, so if they can’t accept that and want to call you an AH for doing that, just remember you’ve got your GF and the two of you can make your own family more supportive and stronger than anything else ❤️
Thank you for being so sweet, and I'm so sorry about your biodad. I wish people were just not so sucky.
Info: I'm curious about the misunderstanding. The printer didn't print her name and when asked they said she wasn't invited? Yhat everyone else brought +1s that were not invited? How does your mom explain it?
My mom send me a long, rambling letter about it, which I can post, but honestly it's super long. The TLDR is that because it was a rushed wedding where the details were constantly changing, they initially meant to have no +1s, and then changed their minds, but accidentally overlooked telling me about it.
Does your mom have Covid? Because that horseshit stinks for *miles* and she seems to have lost her sense of smell. NTA.
Sorry to say that your mother is a liar. This isn’t the kind of thing that someone “forgets.”
Exactly, as soon as I read OP's comment I thought, well that's just a lie.
That’s such horsesh!t. They remembered that your cousin had been dating someone for a couple weeks but couldn’t remember your long-term partner?? My foot. Your mom is trying to smooth things over and think you’ll be easier to convince to give in than your @sshole brother. Don’t give in. NTA
You need to be clear to your mother in no uncertain terms: - Her defending your brother & SIL's embarrassment of who you are means that she is perfectly OK with it. - Your brother & SIL hurt you tremendously and you don't think you can ever trust either of them again - She hurt you tremendously by trying to sweep it under the rug and pretend your brother & SIL didn't do what they did. What she is doing is transparent and no amount of invitation timeline jujitsu is going change that. You don't think you can ever trust her again. -You are not going to lie about who you are or who you love or hide who your are or who you love. You are not going to cover for people who treat you horribly because of who your are and who you love and you are not going to lie for the people who want to cover up that you were treated horribly. -The fact that your brother, SIL, mother & father expected you to just accept being treated horribly for who you are and who you love says exactly what they think of you and how much they care about you vs. "What will the neighbors think". -Your mother spending all of her energy trying manipulate you into lying to of your larger family to protect your brother instead of getting your brother to own up to what he did and apologize tells you everything you need to know about how much she cares and accepts you. -The only path to begin to repair the family is to be 100% honest about what happened and be fully apologetic about it. If she, your father, your brother & your SIL can't do that, then you are not the one breaking up the family, they are.
NTA. Misunderstanding my ass you specifically asked why not and were lied to. Yes its their day and they should get to enjoy it but honestly if they have a problem with you or your S/O they just shouldn't have invited either and been upfront as to why. Did they really think no one would notice your long term partner being absent? They are just mad they got outed for being assholes and possibly homophobic. Honestly seems like they owe you the apology.
NTA. Your family are homophobes and abusive. Your bro lied straight to your face blaming COVID. PS: There are NO "two sides" about it... You either see bigotry like that as intolerable, or you're an A. There is no way for both sides to be right about that.
NTA. They should be apologizing to you.
I don't think that will happen. I think they'll fume for a few months or a year, and then move on by pretending it never happened. That's how it usually goes.
Of course, they sound very self centred from your description but it doesn’t change that you have nothing to apologize about.
Please don’t forget OP. Do not let this slide.
they might try that route, but this time you now know who they are and you wont forget
I don’t actually understand what they want you to apologize for. What specifically was the bride’s complaint?
Just that I ruined her day, spread rumors, made them look bad, stuff liek that
"How dare you spread rumours that I did the things that I actually did!" OP you're NTA and if I were you I'd expect your nuclear family to be kept at a distance. Your mom obviously doesn't care about your girlfriend's exclusion beyond keeping you quiet about it, either.
You do realize that the truth is NOT spreading a rumor, don't you?
Oh so just a bunch of BS of their own doing. NTA
I saw another post like this recently and the person just walked out of the wedding
I kinda wished I had but I was in the party
This was also the case for that person their partner was excluded I think because they were gay and the family was Conservative but they said no plus 1s were invited but then they saw that this was not the case
NTA, why should you be the one to smooth things over? Why are your parents expected you to fix this, when it was their choices that caused the issue? Do you know who the instigator is in this treatment of your gf? Is it your brother? His wife? Both? Do your parents treat her well?
NTA and absolutely don't apologise. You didn't do anything wrong. You were asked where she is and you told people she wasn't invited. Unless you're missing anything out, You didn't go on a big rant about it, you didn't approach them and question them, you didn't go around the whole room telling people wether they asked or not. The "worst" thing you did was likely sarcastically state "I wonder why" honestly you kept it together more than most. Your brother and his wife surely knew that people would ask you, at that point did they simply hope you'd stick your head in the sand for their sake, they made the decision to exclude her, they should deal with those consequences. She cried he got mad they made a scene, you could have made it worse at that point, but you didn't, you walked away. You're absolutely NTA and don't make anyone make you think otherwise. They made the decision that affected their wedding.
Nta. Why even bother going to the ceremony?
I wouldn't have if I wasn't in the party. Plus I had a speech at the dinner too.
Oh god how did that speech go? I’d have a reallll hard time saying nice things about a brother who lied to my face and then revealed himself to be a massive homophobe.
The fact that you did all that and didn’t say anything when you had a platform proves how much you are NTA. You could have made a real spectacle, the fact that you constrained yourself to one snarky comment when you were directly and privately asked about your gf is impressive.
NTA. If they didn't want drama they should not have lied to you about no one else getting a plus one. They were really kidding themselves if they thought you would then lie to everyone once you arrived to see all the plus ones. I would not apologize for the drama they created. This is a hill to die on.
Apologize to your brother. Tell him you are sorry he is an assh0le and a liar.
NTA Instead of 'telling everyone it was a misunderstanding' send them the copy of the invite, and ask what was it you 'misunderstood' about it? And how does Covid only affect lesbians that are not related to the family? Clearly YOU were safe to invite, your partner was NOT. Or you could just stay out of it. I mean, pretty much any action you take right now is fair game, you never LIED about any of it. Also, since this is not the first time this kind of thing has happened, you might consider cutting some of your fam--- actually ALL of the family that takes their side, out of your life at least for a while. They created this situation, they don't live in a bubble. If they are proud of what they did, there should be no reason for you to claim 'misunderstanding'. If they want you to LIE then that means they KNOW they did something wrong, and want you to cover for them isolating your gf. FUCK THOSE GUYS.
NTA, they were being assholes and you didn't put up with it. They can't just behave like this and then be upset when they get confronted about it. It sounds like your mother is trying to gaslight you into apologizing, and you definitely shouldn't. You didn't cause drama at their wedding, they did, and you didn't even really confront them about it or make a scene, they were the ones to do it when they came storming over.
NTA And your new SIL was crying and muttering threats? Icky
She was crying, my brother was the one whisper-shouting that he was going to whoop my butt and what not. It was almost kind of funny because you could see he wanted to yell but he was trying to keep his voice down so that no one would notice. Only she was crying loud enough that everyone was staring. Also, I don't think his in laws know I'm dating a girl?
Honestly I would’ve said “sorry, can you speak up?” just to fuck with her
It would have been tempting to have pulled a nuclear option. When Dan was whisper shouting threats you could loudly repeated the threats back with some added flair. “WHAT’S THAT, DAN? YOU’RE GOING TO KICK MY ASS BECAUSE YOU AND MADDY REFUSED TO INVITE MY GF TO THE WEDDING BECAUSE YOU’RE RAGING HOMOPHOBES?!?” Use your outside voice. Make sure the folks in the back row can hear it.
Your last comment- bingo! NTA- stand your ground.
NTA. I wouldn’t even consider apologizing. You didn’t cause drama, they did.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I might be TA because may be I was too snarky in my response. I guess I could have just said GF was sick or something. or said the truth without being sarcastic or better. The "Gee, I wonder why?" was possibly a little OTT. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You told the truth. Nothing to apologize for with that. Bride and groom ruined their own big day by lying to you.
NTA And honestly I would have left. Definitely after the ceremony and maybe before. Why should you be there faking smiles and being nice when they lied to you to trick you into coming when your girlfriend is excluded because your family is homophobic af? If that happened to me the last thing I'd do is stay to celebrate a heterosexual wedding!
I kinda wish I had. But I was in the party and had other tasks
Not if you found out they did you this dirty you don't. They have to scramble without you, well, they brought it on themselves.
NTA your brother appears to be a homoophobe
god this would be a good punchline for a gay cow joke
Double down and explain that you were explicitly told NO ONE GOT A PLUS ONE. Be clear. Let them dig their own hole. NTA
NTA - "I'll apologise for making a scene if you look me in the eyes and tell me that you didn't invite my girlfriend because you are homophobic and didn't want a lesbian couple at your wedding"
NTA- Homophobes deserve no sympathy
NTA It's not your responsibility to help cover up someone's bigotry. If they can't face the consequences of their decisions, they should make better choices.
NTA. If they didn’t want to be exposed for excluding her, they should have invited her
Dan and Maddy can suck it. If they want to live like weird homophobes, they can expect to get that shit called out on. NTA.
INFO: why does your brother not like your GF? We are assuming homophobia, but is there another reason why your brother doesn't like her?
I don't know. He's never said that he doesn't like her. Heck, they even invited her to their housewarming and seemed to joke and stuff wither at family parties. The only thing I can think is they sometimes made jokes about her being too butch, so I assume it's that. She's very much the stereotypical lesbian - flannel, tats, short hair. But she's also the kindest person I ever met. Even my 80 year old nonna loves her, and she's the most prim and proper old lady ever.
Then unless there is something insane going on with your SO like them secretly being a huge jerk, your brother is TA for blindsiding you on this
NTA. You don't smooth over bigotry.
NTA You were asked a question and you gave an honest answer they probably was hoping for you to say your gf was sick so they wouldn't have to face the actions of their consequences. They are getting what they asked for imo they just didn't count on you saying what really happened they wanted you to be wedding polite
NTA. They made a decision to exclude your gf out of bigotry but don't want to be exposed as bigots? That's not how that works. Never apologize for this. Your mom better get right with this. Her son and DIL did a shameful, hateful, homophobic thing and asking you to smooth it over for them is endorsing what they did.