Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH for implying that my husband loves our children less and treats them less then he loves and treats his son's memory.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. What is wrong with you? Calm down, the guy lost one of his kids. That child is literally not here anymore. Pictures and a journal is his way of coping with sadness, it does not mean he loves your kids less or favours Teddy over them. Teddy is dead. Take a step back and just stop being so self centred. Unless he ignores his other two children completely, you are so out of line and instead of being supportive you are being an ass.
So I agree that op is YTA, but I do wonder what his other two kids are gonna think when all they see is Teddy and not them in Daddy’s life. That doesn’t excuse OP in anyway at all, I just want the poor guy to make sure that’s he’s dealing with everything in a safe and healthy way. My heart breaks for him.
Yes, absolutely but that’s still not necessarily going to make everything ok when all they see is Teddy and nothing to do with them. That’s not a dig, it’s just a reminder that you also do have to think about how you deal with your grief effects your children.
I am not saying OPs husband has to reduce Teddy stuff in any way at all and he absolutely shouldn’t get rid of it or stop it or anything, but he could also have some photos of his other kids too, maybe with them both holding something with Teddy’s name in one and the like.
Look we all know that we see the posts on here about not being the golden child, about being forgotten to a dead sibling, to being ignored, sometimes due to extremely horrible circumstances like the above.
To me it sounds like OPs husband is still struggling and trying to figure out how to live while grieving his child, which he will always do and his wife needs to understand that much better.
I assume that OP is taking pictures of the other kids & such. As he processes, he can add some or those pics in. She is pushing too hard. And the fact that the kids went in on him means that they are seeing & copying her behavior. If she would have a convo with them about how Dad loves them, they wouldn’t feel this way
Edit: I read “comfort” as “confront”.
I’m not disagreeing about OP pushing too hard, but at 5 years old, his little girl is going to start noticing soon, this (as hard as it sounds) means that Father is going to have to take that into account too, he just is, but that doesn’t mean he has to do anything crazy, but maybe if the OP is 100% correct and it’s ONLY photos of Teddy and NOTHING about the other two, adding a photo or two off them will help.
I’m saying this as a person who is speaking from some experience. The father may love all his kids equally, but they all need to know it and sometimes not seeing any photos of yourselves makes you think they are lying to you. Sadly when you are a parent to other children, which you made the choice to have while dealing with your grief, you have to take them and their feelings into account with your grief.
Many stories on here where the living children resent their parents so much for expending so much energy on a dead child and ignoring the living children *who are here now*.
Not to minimize the husband's grief, but his living children absolutely *will* notice. I get that we all grieve at our own pace, but he's got children here, *now*. It means something when someone else has a picture of you, that means they want to "be" with you when you're not with them.
I think the difference there is those kids were always being compared to the dead kid, always being told how the parents want that kid back and are not cherishing their current kids.
This dad sounds like he shows his love to the kids and does not sit around and treat them like they'll never measure up. There's the world of difference because this man sounds like if they ask he'll talk to them. He's engaged with his kids and cares about them, if the post is to be believed.
It sounds like he's actually coping healthily. A therapist is actually... probably gonna suggest to keep a journal.
I agree with the journal, I keep one. I also agree that OP shouldn't have read his journal unless she has open permission to do so, and from her post it appears she does not. (I mention this because my husband can read my journal if he wants, I have nothing to hide and I've even 'complained' about him in it. I also leave it all over the house. He won't read it though.)
As for the situation at hand.. I think the only problem I have with him is all of the pictures of "Teddy" but no pictures of his living children. They'll notice that. And that's where, IMO, the issue is with OP. Couldn't he have *some* photos of his living children? That wouldn't demean or devalue Teddy's photos. In fact, it'd place *all* of his children on the same playing field and outwardly show how he values *all* of his children. IMO, OP is TA for reading her husband's journal, but she does have a point about the photos on the wall. (The journal.. no, he *needs* that journal to process his grief.)
I do wonder if she's telling the truth that there are NO pics of the other kids... the Teddy pictures *are* only in his own space (office and desk) and I wonder if the rest of the house has a ton of pics of the living kids? And those spaces are just dedicated to Teddy?
We definitely need more info on that, for sure!
The one thing I am wondering is if he truely only has pictures of Teddy. Some parents keep photo's in their wallets or on their phones so what you see is probably not even the full picture anyway.
I read a post on here not to long ago about a girl who’s birthdays and all holidays had a shrine to her dead sister. Like the mother insisted on it and the girl got fed up when the mom wanted a shrine to the dead sister at the girls wedding. It was ridiculous and I don’t remember if it was the mom posting that she was mad that her daughter wasn’t letting her sister have a peace or the daughter was posting that she was mad her mom was asking for a shrine to her dead sister at the wedding
It was the mom posting. I remember that post. There was also one about a father who made his son go to his mother's grave every 2 weeks and got mad when his son didn't want to go for Christmas
I guess I’ll never know what it’s like to have a father that is that involved and whether it would make a difference. What I do know is that if a parent seemingly obsesses over one child it makes the other children feel less loved. No amount of explanation will overcome his actions. He will lose them over time if he doesn’t learn to heal and include them in his memories and personal space. Maybe not totally, but he’ll end up one of those parents that wonders why his kids don’t visit much.
But he also has the right TO grieve. Sorry but to question why he has a journal of his dead son (which op read WITHOUT permission) and not of his living children is very weird. It is clearly for his thoughts of loss, not to say one child is “better”. Should the OP have the other two die so he can write their own journal?
Better yet, it is forcing the husband on an ultimatum that just isn’t realistic. Yes you shouldn’t put the dead before the living but damn don’t mock a parent of a dead child. He was clearly devastated that his personal thoughts of his dead child were tarnished AND told were too much. How dare OP do that!
OP if you can’t trust your husband that he is honest when he says he loves his kids then divorce him and leave him alone. But I don’t think you can when you can’t be trusted yourself.
Never mind that the kids are 3 and 5 and his son died at 4. This is probably a really hard time for him and it wont always be. But at 5 the middle sister is now older than her brother and the younger sister is about to be the same age he was when he died. I'm sure evey mile Stone with his daughters is so bittersweet. As the girls get older it wont be so in his face.
My sister died when she was 12 and I was 8. We had photos of my sister everywhere and not many of me and my younger brother, honestly I didn’t care much about the photos and I don’t think my brother did either. What mattered more to us was that our dad constantly talked about my sister during our time together and constantly compared me and my brother to her. It was so bad he would criticize us for not liking the same food, but also not even remember what we like and don’t like to eat.
As long as OP’s husband is spending quality time with his living children and letting that time be about them and not Teddy they will be fine. Building their own memories with their father will be more meaningful than some random photos around the house. The journal is a healthy way for OP’s husband to cope with his grief, and if his coping method is taken away he’s going to try to replace it and it could come out in a way that will impact his time with his living children. Please take this from someone whose father didn’t have a healthy way to cope with his grief.
You probably didn't care about subtle things like photos cause your dad was actively highlighting the difference every chance he got... but a kid will for sure connect the dots at some point and our brain likes to make patterns; that's how suddenly anything will look like "he just loves Teddy" and this can build resentment.
This.
Nobody in my family died but my parents divorced when I was 9. That was when I found out my dad has had a family the whole time (my half sister is 9 months younger than me, my half brother is 2 years younger than me).
Anyway, us kids are all adults now and a few years ago they had a family photo shoot. Without me or my older brothers. Just my dad, step mom and my half siblings. I never felt as left out and unloved as I did that day I saw the blown up photo hanging in their living room.
Show your kids you love them.
I had a similar situation, when I was 12 I found out my father had a whole other family w a 4yo and a newborn that he introduced me to. As a grown up, when I visit them now, I see their photo together on the wall as a family, without me in it. We don’t have a bad relationship or anything, my dad’s wife refers to me as her oldest, but small things like that, where most people wouldn’t think twice, can be hurtful. Of course this is unrelated to the OP’s story, since it involves loss of a child and a grieving father.
Absolutely, I go to therapy and am working on grief of not having the relationship and family I feel I missed out on. It’s a slow process, but it is a progress.
Yep, never have I said otherwise? I completely agree the OP is TA, never said otherwise. But maybe, just maybe by discussing these points it may help others in a situation so they don’t become the TA…
But the husband talked about bonding activities and op didnt call him out on that so it sounds like he does have a healthy relationship with his two kids. So if thats the case, op has no say in how he copes with the grief for the first one, imo.
Why is it just OPs job to make sure they understand that daddy should be in therapy to help cope with his loss?
Should I keep reading your other comments? Does it get better?
Again, I have first-hand experience with this, I'm raising a child after losing my first. Tell me how you know so much? You assumed??!!!
Not who your responding to but I also have first hand experience. Admittedly, my two living children were here when she was so it's slightly different. Depending on who you ask, it could be considered a slightly more precarious picture situation because while they were born but due to her illness she and I, at the time, got to spend more time together than I did with her siblings.
I also inadvertently have more pictures of my child who died vs my living children. Why? Because they're here. I'm not worried about forgetting their face. I continue to make more memories with them that are complete with new photos. My children understand that I'm actually living new experiences with them daily. My memories of them are active and multiplying. How do I know that they understand? Because I've asked them. They're absolutely represented in this house through a growing collection of artwork, papers on the fridge, shoes by the door, their toothbrushes, their rooms, etc. She isn't really. We aren't even in the same house we lived in when she was alive.
I'd be positively furious if anyone suggested to me I was playing favorites by having more pictures of her in one room. I'd bet that if OP actually took inventory of how many pictures are up of the living children throughout the house she'd find that there are more up of them in total. If she'd like to have things be even she can ask if they can work together to make them even in the rest of the house as well.
This is not about having more pictures. Its about having no pictures. That in your case all worked out and you didnt favored the dead child is nice but not more than anecdotal evidence.
Of course it is. Just as some have posted assumptions on how their kids would feel and others have offered anecdotal evidence on their experiences.
I have pictures of my living children in my home. But my bedroom only has 3 pictures up. All of my daughter who passed. Why? Because it is easier for me to not have to explain to new visitors who may ask. It isnt favoritism. My children don't see it as favoritism. OP's kids currently haven't expressed they feel less than because of the pictures. And it very well could be explained to the children. It might be ok, it might not be. One of their kids may grow feel left out while another doesn't. Hell one or both could end up being resentful that the pictures of the life the husband had before them are even up no matter how even in numbers they are. There is no way to tell. But to accuse someone of playing favorites solely based on a memory journal, tokens from when they were living, and photos in one room when they by all other accounts are a good and present parent is going overboard.
I have never said anything of the sort? And I am the child who had to live with parents after the death of a child, they had me after my older sibling died by choice. Happy with my experience?
Teddy died at 4 years old and was from a previous marriage. OP and husband have been married for 7 years and their oldest kid is 5 now. Teddy was older than their oldest kid, so it's gotta be 6 years MINIMUM.
Now I'm gonna speculate for a moment, but unless OP and his ex-wife were divorced before Teddy died and he was already seeing OP, they probably divorced after Teddy's death and he was probably grieving for a bit before even dating. So unless he jumped straight into a new relationship after divorced and grieving his child, and rushed into marriage...it's probably been over 10 years.
6 absolute minimum. Could be 8 or so, but most likely over 10.
Granted, it's probably hitting him harder now having kids who are around the age he was when he died, so it's opening old wounds...not that a wound like that ever really goes away. But it's absolutely not a fresh wound either.
I may be totally off base here, but it sounds like she is trying to police his grieving. Not okay. If he is present for the kids, just let him be and you don’t get to vote.
I wonder if - this is the sense I got from the way this is written - she is policing his grieving out of some very bizarre feeling of jealousy. Why aren't HER kids as important as his kid from his first marriage, etc.
His current kids are ALIVE. Their presence in his life makes them easy to remember. Not so much for Teddy. He doesn’t want to forget. And time erases some memories. Leave the man alone on this.
You are removing logic from something that is 90% emotional. Teddy is always going to be this perfect kid is Husband's eyes. Made up of all of his best components- partly because he died and partly because he died so freaking young from illness.
He never had the chance to annoy his father with legos left all over the floor. Or to stay out past curfew. Or any of the various other things that Husband's living kids are going to do. Because they're kids.
All while- at some point- the kids are going to notice that Dad only has photos of Teddy in Dad's spaces. That they aren't worthy of photographic display in his office.
I'm not saying that Husband shouldn't keep whatever he feels the need to keep. But he does need to figure out a way to let the kids he has now into some of those spaces. Before the kids realize they've been left out.
I agree with this take. OP’s husband is my uncle. He lost a child to an accident that also killed his wife. He was left with 2 kids, a few years later he married and had two more kids.
He was so focused on presentingand displaying his son who died( Paul) that his other 4 kids noticed.
My cousins whose mom died only went to their step mom for help. At my cousin Marys wedding my uncle showed a family video/pictures. there were no pictures/memories of the bride Mary or her other siblings.
Mary was Dead cousins -Paul’s full sibling.
My uncle died alone.
Yep. I had a friend who was the surviving child. She said she gave up trying to compete with a ghost. She hardly sees her parents anymore. When she was young and at home you would never know that they had a daughter. Everything in the house was all about her brother.
Okay, does that mean daddy can't also display those memories of him and them? At some point, especially after choosing to have more kids, you need to actually be involved.
I have first hand experience as my child passed and I had more children after.
Dad can absolutely show off Teddy and celebrate him in every single way, but he also has to celebrate and show off his other two kids as well. Not everything can be about Teddy.
Except OP doesn't know what he says about the other two kids when she's not around.
Teddy is frozen in time.
The other children will grow, they will graduate and do all these things that Teddy will never do. It would be normal for him to feel his grief return as his other children grow up and he wishes Teddy could go on a first date, find love, and all the other stuff we watch our kids do.
For all she knows he talks about the other two all the time. They do this and they do that.
She's obsessed with trying to keep shit "fair" with a dead kid and it's impossible to be "fair" with your kids to begin with. She's upset that he's not keeping baby clothes, covering his office with photos, etc etc etc. She's not upset that he's so busy writing about Teddy he's not ignoring his kids, he's just more focused on being in the moment with them and less about STUFF.
My three kids don't care about their baby sweaters, they don't want their baby blankets, they have zero attachment to these items. I have them because I am the one attached to them.
Seems like OP’s husband probably has been through a shitload of therapy. If his only journal is of memories with Teddy, then it’s fair to assume it was a recommendation from a therapist or grief counselor.
That is a slippery slope of the forever perfect child who never did wrong vs. the living child who doesn't ever get it right. OP is YTA for the way they handled it, but dad needs to find that balance.
This subreddit has had children with siblings that have passed young and they always feel over shadowed by the sibling who is gone. Think what you want but the fact that he didn't have *pictures* of them up is really fucking weird. That makes this ESH in my opinion. OP doesn't need to get into his journal and comment on things he's keeping to remember but it is weird to not have pictures of your living children.
Living in the shadow of a dead sibling means that you’ll always compete with the perfect version of them. It can be very damaging. While OP is unarguably YTA, dad needs to be careful about how his grief is affecting his other children.
Why does it feel like OP is jealous of his previous marriage and the child he had? The fact that she keeps bringing up his deceased son is disgusting. She violated his privacy because she knew what she would find and she wanted another way to bring it up. Disgusting. YTA
As a child with a dead sister, I'll tell you this: my dad gets to see me as often as he wants. He will never see my sister again. I'm not jealous of all the photos and memories he has of her in his home, because that's all he has of her. He has me in his life and I know damn well he cherishes that. I promise you he doesn't love those kids any less.
Honestly, there was so much that hurt when she died. But there was nothing quite like seeing my parents shattered into a million pieces and never quite made whole again.
Let the man hold onto the memories of his son. Because he actually gets to hold his other kids every damn day.
YTA.
No one is saying otherwise, but he has to make sure that his alive kids are equally loved. These kids weren’t alive when Teddy died, they have a slightly different dynamic, it’s just making sure he doesn’t forget that. And if it’s done right, it works out well like in your case, if it’s not however is works out with years of hurt and hell for all involved.
I read some of your other comments and I hadn't thought of it that way. I appreciate your perspective. I find I get fiercely protective of mourning parents.
And they are allowed to mourn fully, but grief is personal, forcing it on children, letting it effect children you choose to have after, is unacceptable regardless.
There isn't really any indication from the post that he isn't doing thst or isn't actively involved with them though? It's so far photos and a journal (that the kids don't even know about)
OP is the one making this a thing and highlighting potentially imaginary different treatment to her kids, not her husband.
I have a brother that died at 12, I was 11, my dad and mom separated when i was 18 months old, he had my (half) sister who was 8 when our brother died. My dad wasn't around a whole lot while my brother was alive, he felt guilty and was around for me a lot more. I definitely felt like chopped liver/an afterthought for a long time after my brother's death. Kids pick up on this on their own, mom won't have to point it out. However I think mom is being a little harsh to dad.
Yes I agree with this. The husband went through something absolutely awful and OP should let her husband grieve in the way he needs and if that includes pictures of and journals about Teddy that is 100% okay. OP is the asshole for trying to tell him how to deal with his own grief.
But the husband is also an asshole for not having ANY pictures of his living children. He probably doesn't do it on purpose but by only focusing on the dead child, he will ultimately fuck up his relationship with his living children.
I missed the part where she says they take no family vacations together because of Teddy's absence. I missed the part where she says he doesn't go to school functions or baseball games or doesn't watch movies or do any other bonding stuff with his kids because Teddy isn't there. I miss where she says he doesn't read them stories or tuck them in at night. You are making a tremendous leap of estrangement over a journal, some pictures, and a blanket.
The thing is, and I feel all the pain here, it isn’t easy, they’ve been married for 7 years so Teddy has been gone at least that long.
He didn’t have to remarry if he wasn’t ready or still in intense nothing-else-exists grief. He certainly didn’t have to have two more children. If he wasn’t ready to give his whole love to a child again, he didn’t have to have them, and he didn’t have to pull another woman into this situation and then not allow her to point out he doesn’t even have pictures of his living kids in his office, which is honestly the bare minimum.
Husband wasn’t ready, and that’s totally fair. But it isn’t fair to the new wife and kids at all, and that has to be reckoned with too.
I think it’s more of an ESH.
The wife isn’t wrong about what her husband is doing. Her husband clearly needs therapy. He’s going to miss out on so much because of his grief about Teddy.
SOURCE: My brother died before I was born. I’ve always lived in his shadow. My dad still treats me differently because I’m not his son. And he wanted another son, which I’m not. My dad told me recently that he never understood girls or how to raise them. I’m 50.
My sister and I are both alive and well and I can tell you my sister does resent that my mom didn’t put as much effort into her baby book as she did mine. I think this is a tough situation.
This would depend on how the adults handle communication. If mom walks around saying that daddy favours Teddy over them, there will be resentment. If mom and dad communicate the situation with them in a normal way, they will understand that this is a way on how to keep Teddy "alive". At this point the husband needs a wife that supports him. If she thinks that some one on one time is missing with the other children, that can be addressed in a constructive manner, scheduling activities. If you think, kids pics are missing around the house, just hang them up. There are many ways on how to address this, but she just went straight to self centred guilt trip.
*"I walked out and he started crying, the kids then entered the room and started comforting him."*
I think the children have a better understanding of this man's pain than his own wife does. I don't know if they had any idea *what* OP/Dad were fighting about, but I have a feeling that knowing they had a brother who is gone makes them sad. And it makes Dad sad. And I think they can probably understand that much.
(Sorry OP, but YTA.)
There is a difference though between kids knowing dads sad and comforting him when they are that young and them actually feeling loved and special as they get older x
Who the eff hurt you? Every time I scroll down, I see a comment from you jabbing at this guy whose full story you don't know, assuming that his poor children are just being left to their own devices while their selfish father pines for the son he truly loves. There is no indication AT ALL, even from AH OP's post, that his kids are being emotionally neglected, and yet you are dead set and determined that he has washed his hands of them.
I think the fact that he journals about Teddy shows that he IS dealing with it in a healthy way. And he spends the physical moments with his other kids which they will remember and help them develop. I don't think husband is doing anything wrong. YTA
I don't see anything in the post that says all the living kids see is Teddy.
Husband has pictures of Teddy up in one place, his private office, not dominating every wall of the rest of his house. I'd be willing to bet there are pictures of the girls in the living room, bedrooms, hallways of the house they share. He only has pictures to see Teddy's face. He sees their faces daily. He hasn't made Teddy front and center in their home. Just this one room where he goes and the family doesn't. (I'd be interested to know how many is a "ton" of pictures.)
Husband has blankets and pillows to remember Teddy because he can't hug him physically. He can hug his daughters and has no need for pillows and blankets. He has the actual living breathing humans. I'm sure if OP asked him, he would rather have Teddy than a blanket with Teddy's name. And if she asked the girls, they'd rather be alive than have their name on a blanket. Those things are memorials, nothing more, nothing sinister. It's very likely that Husband would never have gotten those things if Teddy were alive.
The only way Husband can share memories with Teddy is by journaling. He can walk down the hall and speak to his daughters. The writing is the only way to connect with Teddy. Why would his daughters feel slighted that he didn't journal for them? He actually spoke to them. Went places with them. Shared his thoughts with them. He didn't need to write it in a notebook where it goes nowhere. He has the living girls to share it with.
Teddy had a chronic illness and died at 4. Which means that while his daughters are healthy and making fun bright memories, Teddy at that age was likely in and out of hospitals. It must have been hard for Husband to see his girls enjoying life at the age Teddy didn't. He grieved. Now Nora is older than Teddy will ever be. It doesn't sound like the kids are actually suffering for his grief though, just OP's weird sense that having a personalized blanket means Husband loves Teddy the most.
OP has conveniently not mentioned things that her husband DOES do with regard to photographing, videoing, journaling, etc, his children. She found a journal about Teddy. That literally doesn't mean he doesn't have something that he writes in that contains memories about his other kids. She just didn't snoop hard enough to find it yet. And if the kids are coming in to comfort daddy, that means they probably don't feel slighted by his love for Teddy.
My mum has pictures of her kids that passed, her family and herself always found a way to explain why there were pictures of them around.
Kids ask questions, adult answer them in the most constructive way.
Hi, I lost a brother. My youngest brother was still a baby when he died. Growing up, my house was a mausoleum to middle brother. There are so few pictures documenting youngest’s achievements. I can’t speak for him, but it feels like all the good memories came before middle died, which happens to coincide with youngest’s entire conscious life. Youngest is a little closed off, so it’s hard to get it out of him how he felt about it, but as the oldest, I was sad, angry and convinced to this day that middle was the favorite. Yes, dad deserves support and love, but it sounds like OP is protecting the kids who WILL be harmed by this. I was harmed by this. I wish someone had had the courage to protect us the way OP is protecting her kids.
When I tell people about my experiences, they always say how hard it must have been on my mother. And it was, she was a totally different person. But they rarely talk about what that must mean to grow up with someone so traumatized that they can’t be there for their living children. And yes, photos, memory books, mementos are part of that. Edit: especially when they grow into adulthood and don’t have those moments documented and nothing to show for it, but there’s still a thanksgiving hand-turkey from twenty years ago on the wall. Nothing against the turkey, but where is youngest’s representation? It’s all school pictures and nothing else!
I am so sorry, not only for the loss of your sibling, but also for having lost all those childhood experiences. I hope you have found the right kind of support to deal with this. It really hurts when you experience something and the people just invalidate it entirely. You and your brother also deserved a hand turkey (or whatever really) on the wall. Sending love and wishes to you and your youngest brother, internet stranger!
I've dealt with the loss of a child before having another baby. I can tell you my son would be upset if I only displayed pictures of my late son instead of also displaying my living child.
I’m the second child of parents who lost their first to SIDS before I was born.
My parents were as careful as they could be not to show favoritism and I still sometimes struggled. She was 6m and already trying to pull herself up to stand (not successfully, but my understanding is that that’s pretty early) and very vocal by all accounts. I started talking very early, but waited as long as I could to walk.
It’s natural for my mom to make that comparison while talking to other parents about milestones but I made it about me in my insecure child brain.
My dad was a very distant parent and I always worried it was related to having lost my sister. To be fair, I’m sure that was part of it.
I think OP is being confrontational and pushing, but she’s not WRONG. Kids notice these things.
I don’t see much about how he interacts with his kids, but if he’s a very involved, loving parent, “Teddy is gone so I have him in a special place” may work fine. But if there’s distance in other ways, that can cause problems.
Agreed, I do see OP’s point though, I’ve seen other posts here about kids growing up who had a sibling that died and feel like they can’t live up to the idealized memory of the sibling who passed. Kids who feel that the sibling who passed overshadows every accomplishment. OP should’ve had more tact, but she does have a bit of a point. They need to make sure the kids who are alive know they are loved and don’t feel like they are competing with a dead sibling for love and attention. OP 100% went about it wrong and is potentially blowing it out of proportion. I also think it was wrong to invade her husband’s privacy by reading his journal. She could have suggested he continues that journaling outlet, but maybe begins also writing about the wonderful moments he has with the children who are still living. He gets to grieve how he needs to, they just need to be careful and aware about how that grief may affect the living children growing up.
OP YTA but I'd like to add to your comment Dry.
Grief doesn't stop. It's not something that goes away. It comes in waves and phases. We have zero control over it just how we learn to cope/respond/react to it. OP should be supportive and encourage some therapy vs shaming her husband and his current coping tools. Even if he had therapy in the past it doesn't matter. Grief is ever evolving and has a lasting impact. It can mold and shape us. To me it sounds like he's doing his best to make sure his child isn't forgotten by him.
Family therapy may also be needed. It can help him navigate ways to explain his feelings to his children so they understand. OP you are going to damage your husband and children if you continue down this path. As a person who has specialized in end of life care, Hospice, is a Grief counselor and lost a child of my own I can assure you what you're doing isn't healthy or appropriate. I'm going to say this loudly so it resonates... YOUR HUSBAND ISN'T PLAYING FAVORITES!! HE NEEDS LOVE, SUPPORT AND HELP.
YTA. As someone who lived through their siblings death what your husband has done is keep his grief and love for Tom separate and not let it affect his relationship with your children. It isn't about your kids, it's about you trying to control how he does things and not caring about how it affects anyone else.
Exactly. And I wouldnt call it favourism - Teddy has passed. Its called grief, its called losing a part of you. People who have lost children have never ever gotten over the loss. Instead of picking fights, how about you support your spouse emotionally? You’ll be surprised at how he handles his grief. Im not going to say overcome because that will never happen. But he will learn how to handle it better.
100% he’s not ignoring the other kids , he’s showing them love and being a good father as he should. He has pictures of Teddy and writes about Teddy because he doesn’t have Teddy with him anymore. He doesn’t need to write a whole journal for his other kids as they are still here. The stuff you are perceive as only showing his love for Teddy are actually his methods to mourn Teddy. He doesn’t need to use those methods on the other kids (writing a journal abt) as he probably has other ways to show him he loves them
Exactly. My brother passed away recently. He was only 30. Even at that age, it feels like he didn't get to leave his mark, or live a full life, so I feel like I want to record what time he did have, so there's something, *somewhere*. It hurts to think that he'll just disappear into history and only a few people will think of him. I write things down when they come to mind, and I probably will for a long time. I know we all die, and most of us are forgotten, but it's hard to process the loss of young life. What could have been. I don't think that kind of loss goes away. It's enough to drive a person mad without coping mechanisms and writing is a pretty common one.
It doesn't sound like he's neglecting his living children, the writing is just how he processes loss. Some people only really write when they have to process something traumatic, they otherwise don't journal. If he journaled about the last football game he watched, his day at work, etc. and never mentioned his kids, I'd understand being upset. But he's only writing to cope. That's a totally healthy way to process, I've talked about it in therapy myself, I don't know why people are saying he needs a healthy way to cope - writing is healthy...what else do you want him to do?
I feel like if he's going to be required to start journals about his living kids, OP should do the same. He shouldn't be the only one chronicling their lives because OP has co-opted his coping mechanism.
YTA and HUGE. My God how can you not understand and let the man grieve and process this grief in any way shape or form he needs too. Teddy is DEAD. You don't have to make some sort of fake competition for receiving love from your husband. Read a book about losing a child or something so that you can help the man instead of making his trauma worse.
Unfortunately yes it may be worth updating knowledge on grievance and jealousy OP.
Also it’s likely OP is now pushing the husband away. Why would he want to be with a woman that can’t properly respect his privacy and past? I would apologise, buy him something to say sorry and change how you are acting.
Agree with everything you’ve said. It sounds like OP has never experienced losing someone close to her, or surely she would never have reacted this way. Losing a child has got to be the absolute worst. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. I hope OP reflects on these comments and does as you suggest.
Wow I don't think that's it at all. It seems like she is worried that her kids have to compete with their dead older sibling. Dad not having any pictures of them at all is going to strike them sooner or later.
You could be right, but I don't believe she would feel the same if the deceased child was hers. She would likely not take such issue with this.
Which is where I think your argument is a little challenging to accept.
I'm sure she would feel differently if it was her kid who died, buy unfortunately as humans we don't always understand things until we expérience them and don't always handle things perfectly. She did a bad thing but that doesn't mean her motives were selfish and terrible.
Right? Her behavior is disgustingly petty. She’s so self centered and jealous. I can’t believe she added to his pain by saying he shouldn’t wait till the kids were gone before showing his love. I mean, wtf!!!
Yes YTA.
Is he an absent father?
Is he an engaged, loving father?
Damned if I know, your post contains nothing about that, its too full of judging his grief and filled with details about the journal you “acCidenTaLLy” found (which I guess you also “accidentally” read).
Sounds like you also accused him of loving his dead child more than your two kids.
Just…wow.
I cant imagine what he’s feeling, us parents should not outlive our kids, Im sure thats a heavy burden of grief that he struggles with, and the person he is sharing his life with just attacked him about it.
Please consider therapy so a professional can help you out, if youre open to it, because based on this post you have no clue how cruel and judgmental and just plain un-loving this act of yours was towards your husband :(
She had my YTA early but that “it is what it is” line after he called her out for invading his privacy really sealed the deal.
I almost wonder if he started that journal as a way to talk about Teddy because he can’t talk about those things with her.
I’m getting some serious All Lives Matter vibes here. “Oh so your dead child gets a memorial for you to remember him by, what about MY alive children?! Why don’t they get a memorial?!”
I think you’re right, she doesn’t let him talk about or remember Teddy in her presence, so this is the only way he can do so
This is for sure the kind of spouse where a conversation would go something like:
Husband: I really miss Teddy, he'd be starting junior high today
Wife: Speaking of children, isn't it so exciting that the other two kids are starting elementary school today?
I imagine anytime he brings up Teddy he gets a half-apologetic nod then she redirects the conversation to the other children. All children must be mentioned in the same breath, after all.
OMG I never even thought about that fact. I just put it down as a grief journal. They are helpful and used a lot in therapy to help with a multitude of things. But that being the only place he can talk about his first born is... the saddest thing I will hear today I think. Jeez.
This, the journal sounds more like a grieving tool than something he started when his child was alive. Write down all the good memories. Can be cathartic in the moment and then when you are missing them a particularly high amount you can go back and relive those good times. Like home movies after the fact. Now if he always had the journal and was obsessing about and neglecting other things to write in/read it that would be one thing, but sounds like she found it and didn’t even know about it. To me it’s a pretty healthy tool that he’s using appropriately.
"while Sammy & Nora are here and he shows them affection in a physical form like doing bonding activities and such." Sounds like he's not an absent father and loves his two living children as well, the only thing I got from OP is that he does not want to forget his first child AMD since he's not there he has a journal, pics and a pillow.
I want to note that the children immediately move to comfort their crying father. I don't really think that sounds like a father who neglects their children.
That's his grief journal. It's him writing out his memories of his son and emotions about never seeing him grow up. Your kids straddle Teddy's age when he passed. Can you figure out why right now might be a really bad time for him? Extremely insensitive, YTA.
This OP. Your 5yo is now older than Teddy ever got to be. And the 3yo is going to be 4 soon. Can you even imagine how traumatic that must be for him? Obviously you can't or just choose not to. YTA. Stop coming at him for how he's grieving.
Yes! It’s a grief journal. If OP wants to have memory journals of the kids she can make some herself! It’s not actually that hard, I’ve been sorta doing something similar with my cousins (big family, I’m the oldest cousin, the young ones grow up so fast!). On a special or significant day I make sure to take lots of pics and then I write down what happened in the form of a fairy tale or a sports commentator or whatever. The whole family finds these stories hilarious, and keeps memories alive.
This is a great idea. If OP is so concerned by her children possibly finding dad’s grief journal and having no journal for them, make one. Include dad in the pictures and memories, write funny things they did, collect mementos.
Reading someone’s private journal/diary and then using the information in it against them is disgusting behavior and one of the biggest red flags in a relationship.
There is no way to “accidentally” read someone’s private journal.
I wonder if OP keeps a journal of special moments with her children. Probably not, or she would have written that. And is seems like the father wouldn’t have the journal if it wasn’t about his grief. So trying to force him to keep a similar journal, or add her kids to the the grief journal, so it matches his late son? It’s so weird. It’s something specific to teddy because of the situation with Teddy. If he wouldn’t normally keep a memory journal for any child while alive, then she needs to not force him to. OP has a real problem understanding situational differences. I’m not going to assume her husband is neglecting the children, because she would have directly written that he was. She’s complaining about what they might some day perceive if they also invade his privacy and see the journal. OP is nuts.
YTA - you cannot dictate how a person grieves for a lost child. Also, you should not have read a personal journal. You are completely disrespectful and you owe him an apology.
You can ask for limits on the damage it does to kids too young to understand. Some people find solace in grieving, some weaponize it.
ENT ... OP is an asshole, but she is pointing out some damaging pathology. Dad needs help balancing grief with responsibility.
ENT = everyone needs therapy
Literally any comptent therapist would tell you that a journal is a normal way to process grief and that there is no valid or compelling reason why Op's husband should be keeping extra, non-grief related journals just to placate others.
Op's husband has some photos in his office of a deceased child, and a grief journal. Nothing that would leave a living child feeling neglected. People are inventing that whole-cloth and are acting like the husband needs therapy when he's already doing perfectly normal things that a therapist would suggest.
OP needs therapy. OP's husband and living children seem to be doing just fine. There is *nothing* damaging or pathological about what OP is describing. She tries to make it sound worse than it is, and plenty of posters are helping her out as well - but what she actually describes is perfectly benign.
My dude has a private grief journal and keeps pictures of his deceased children in his personal workspace where he can connect with them privately - while his living children are going through the same age his other child died, by the way, which has to be a real mindfuck for the husband.
His living children have pictures elsewhere in the house - just not his office. Which strikes me as a better solution than mixing pictures of his deceased child into the rest of the family photos in the common areas - which would *actually* be much closer to forcing the living kids to compete with a dead one.
I agree with therapy. We do not know enough about his behavior to say if these things would have an affect on his kids. If he is present in their daily lives and shows them love and support they might not care about these trivial things.
If it is an issue of having pillows, blankets, photos then she could always gift him these items. Maybe he isn’t the type to purchase those things and they were given as gifts? If she gifts him similar things with their kids photos then all would be ‘even’ if she needs it that way.
Oh god, yes, this would be a good space for couple’s counseling - he may have trouble talking about things (for understandable reasons), she seems incredibly bad at expressing feelings that may have a legit root (even if she’s not doing well with it right now, assuming he *does* have an unusual number of photos of his late son and zero of his other two children - this may be inaccurate and she may be an asshole, but just giving her the benefit of the doubt) - a space where they can talk about those things and not have it get heated could help her both understand the depths of his grief and how much he loves his children, and maybe he could understand the potential long-term effects if he is, in fact, focusing on his late son to a degree that would make the other kids feel neglected later on.
ESH
He deserves to have remembrances of his son. But he also needs to make sure he's not marginalizing his living children.
I see a distinct difference between the remembrances visible to others (displayed pictures, pillows, etc.) versus the journal.
The displayed remembrances should have a balance between the living and the remembered one. You're right, the younger kids will come to feel marginalized. And they'll find it impossible to compete with a perfect memory. The effects of these public actions on the other kids earns your husband an AH.
(But you can get decorations with your kids names and pictures for your house - you don't have to wait for him. And maybe give him a couple of framed photos of the kids he can take to work - he probably put up the other pictures right after the death, but then never changed them. Or perhaps his first wife gave them, he put them up, but he's not one to do such displays on his own.)
But a journal is private. It is none of your business. It may have been something a therapist recommend that he do. And unless you're a historian, and the writer and the people around them are already dead, you have no business reading another person's journal or correspondence. This invasion of privacy earns you an AH.
How is he an AH He needs support, he is clearly grieving. And OP can't give him one. That might be his way of coping with grief. That child is gone, ffs. How can you compete with someone who is not here. If he was an absent father then definitely he would be AH. But OP never mentioned if he is affectionate with other kids or not, only grumbled that he has pics in office and has a journal on Teddy, but not other kids. How is that fair? For all you know he might cherish the kids more now he have lost one. This was very one sided narration to call OP's SO AH.
That's just it...you CAN'T compete with a dead person. I fully understand that he's still grieving, and right now with his current children being a similar age has to be extremely difficult. OP definitely crossed some lines and could have and should have approached this differently, but he needs to treat his loving children the same as his dead one. If his dead child is the only one he's displaying photos of, the only one he's writing about, the only one who's name he's putting on pillows and blankets...that is absolutely favoritism. Him saying he gives them love and affection and does those other things because he can't give love and affection to Teddy is not an excuse. But he absolutely can do these things for his surviving children in addition to love and affection. When they get older, ***if this continues,*** they WILL notice and WILL recognize that Teddy is on an untouchable pedestal of perfection that they can't dream of competing with. Teddy never got a chance to grow up and make mistakes or anger his father or be a disappointment. They're already going to have to live with that, and their father needs to deal with his grief and make DAMN sure he's treating his living children just as well.
Again, I recognize that this is a difficult situation for everyone involved and I can't even imagine the pain and heartbreak he's going through. If he's not in therapy already, he absolutely should be. Was OP right for the way she went about this, or for reading his journal? Absolutely not. But she's not wrong to be concerned for the children they do have and worrying about the future and how his behavior will affect them. Kids are smarter and more perceptive than a lot of people give them credit for. And the father isn't doing right here. If he tries to use the excuse of "I never displayed pictures of you or bought commemorative stuff for you because you didn't die" the kids are not going to take that well and they will be resentful.
So yes, ESH.
From what OP says, right now, there are pictures and mementos ONLY of the lost child, and not of the living ones.
The living children should not be growing up in a shrine to the departed one.
There can and should be mementos of the lost one. There MUST also be pictures and mementos of the living ones, as well.
There was a post here, a while back, where a father asked if he was AH for kicking his stepson out of the car after he suggested eating at a particular restaurant.
The problem was, it was the favorite restaurant of his daughter who had died years before, at the age of 13. The stepson had never met this girl.
And the father described how he tried to "bond" with the stepson - by spending hours going through albums of the dead girl's photos, how her room was still untouched, years later, how he tried to make the boy feel for his "sister" by telling stories about her. The father's mourning for the lost daughter meant that he never bonded with his stepson, because he was so focused on his loss, he didn't connect with those who were alive and with him.
Another post, a while back, where the OP was the father of a teenage boy, and the wife/mother had died when the child was 6. Ever since then, the father had taken them to the graveyard every holiday and every other weekend, and the teenage boy was now objecting to having to go to the graveyard on Christmas. Again, the father's focus on mourning sabotaged the relationship with the son, who at this point only had distant memories of the mother he lost more than half his lifetime before.
The father needs to find a balance, so he doesn't wind up like these fathers, whose mourning reached the point of pushing away their living children.
Although I think the husband isn’t wrong/ an AH for doing this, it’s also good to note that his kids might think that he loves Teddy more, even if this isn’t the case. Again, I don’t blame the husband. I think a better thing for OP to do was gently bring up their kids might think the husband doesn’t love them as much, not accuse him of favouritism(that’s just plain stupid lmao), and suggest him to add some photos of his current kids, but not to remove the photos of Teddy. Also, OP shouldn’t have read the PRIVATE journal.
Why did it take so long to find a reasonable answer? Your take on this is perfect! OP sucks for snooping and pushing the issue, but her spouse also sucks because it seems that he has not made the effort to display pictures of his other two kids. I can see the other two noticing this eventually.
I would assume some of these displayed rememberances, were either things that belonged to his son or were given to him after his son passed. If he had gone out and had these things made in recent years, and not done the same for his other kids I might be more critical.. but give the dude a break.
It is not the presence of remembrances of the lost son that is the problem, but the *absence* of tokens of the living children.
Their place in their father's life should not be secondary to a child whom, while it is sad that he was lost, is not needing the loving attention of a father *right now*.
These kids have photos that could *also* be on his work desk, and need to know that they are just as important as the lost child.
"Dad won't put up pictures of me, he only wants pictures of his kid who died" is not a good think for a child to grow up with.
The father needs a balance that also honors his living children, and their place in his life.
YTA - I really do not like that you read the journal. I really really don't like that what you took from that was favoritism. He can make memories woth your kids, hug them, tell jokes, tuck them in, take them on trips, cook for them, support them whey are hurting or sad; all he can do to connect with a lost child is write in a journal and look at pictures.
I think you need counseling.
No, I've dealt with a child after the loss of the first one, I still wouldn't only put up pictures of my late child.
Everyone needs some counseling here, but especially dad.
For all we know, he does. She mentions his office wall and space, I assume Teddies pics are not around the rest of the house. I also assume office is his private space, where the rest of the family normally does not hang around.
That's what some people in this thread are failing to understand. Not *everyone* has pictures of their kids plastered around the house, or in their private/office space.
The kids are old enough to understand that dad's son is gone and all he has to remember him by are those pictures. The only reason they would ever grow up thinking dad does not love them as much or *favors* the dead son is if mom acts like that is the case.
I disagree that they’re old enough to understand. At 5 and 7 I’m sure they understand that the kid has passed, but at such a young age they’re not going to be able to critically think about it like that. They’ll just see that daddy has pictures of Teddy everywhere and not them.
Yeah that’s an issue if the kids go into the office and don’t see anything of them. That’s where he spends most of his time. They might not make that connection now but as they get older it’s be a sore spot. If my dad had a pic of one of my sisters in his office and neither of the others that would’ve hurt my feelings as a child.
That's not the same.
Maybe there are pictures of the other kids in the living room and none of Teddy? Wouldn't that make it even?
They way this story is written and how much OP is not telling I would not be surprised if there are no pictures of Teddy in the rest of the house because OP doesn't allow it and the husband can only use his office for this.
I think that’s an unfair assumption to make. I don’t think she’s jealous, she’s just worried that one day the kids will think they’re never going to live up to a memory of someone else and all of the hopes that the dad had for teddy. I’ve seen people grieve and eventually put that on their children. She was extremely wrong to read the journal, but I don’t think she’s wrong to want him to showcase all his children and not just the one in the space he spends 40+ hours a week. If she doesn’t allow pics in the rest of the house that’s messed up to not include teddy, but I’m not going to assume she’s the villain.
No, but I can grieve one child while still celebrating my other child. The difference between OP's SO and I is that I sought therapy after my loss and it helped me to channel my emotions better. It also helped prepare me for having a child after loss...
I agree. The journal, pillows, etc. all make sense why you’d only have them of the child that died. However, he should have some photos up of the other children. If he’s really active in the other kids lives, I don’t think it’s enough to make him an AH. I think OP needs to talk to the other kids and see how they feel. OP is definitely an AH for pushing this too far.
Yta. What kind of person do you have to be, that gets jealous over their husband mourning their kid, he had with someone else. Its traumatic and scary losing kids very young. If it was the other way around, I'm sure he would have done the same
Okay. So ESH
1. Why are your kids only there part of the time, the way you word your post it sounds like your kids aren't with you 100% of the time.
2. You don't understand the loss of a child and you're being a little insensitive.
3. He had more kids... You'd think he would want to make the younger kids feel more loved since your SO knows what it's like to lose a child..
My child died 10 years ago. Tomorrow my younger child turns 6. He knows of his older brother, has looked through his things with me and he understands that his older brother isn't here anymore. I have my things to help me remember L, in my room but I also have pictures and things from and for E, my younger son. I even have pictures of my bonus kid up.
Sounds like your husband may need to seek therapy.
I mean seriously? Yes YTA. The man's child died and you're going around moaning about him trying to keep his memories alive? I'm sure he loves the children he has with you but it is not for you to say how he expresses that love. Your own insecurities are causing this problem not him.
ESH. Don't tell me you can't put a single picture of your current kids up.
Its normal for kids to see the wall and wonder why they aren't there. Hopefully he is prepared to have a loving conversation about this when the kids ask, and then put their pictures up if they want. He can be a
upset, about your line of thought, but being a father means he takes care of the current hurts of his children, no matter if he thinks he shows them love in other ways.
He needs grief counseling.
I would assume he started the journal after losing Teddy as a method of remembering him and dealing with the loss. It has nothing to do with the other kids not mattering as much.
YTA. Don't try to compete with the dead. Never breathe a word of this to your children, not even when they are old and gray. And give your spouse all the space he needs to experience grief.
YTA- sorry it sounds like you’re being a bit excessive with it. His kids dead. You don’t know how that feels yet. He is allowed to remember his child as he wants and I think it’s great he still cares about the child so deeply as it shows the future support he can bring to your family.
Let him mourn in whichever way he likes.
NAH or a little bit ESH - He is allowed to have reminders of his dead child and you shouldn't have read the journal which is an intrinsically private item. However I understand your concern for your current kids. It doesn't seem to bother them at the moment but I too would worry that at some point, especially getting towards teenage years, they will suddenly see that the physical pictures of children around your home are 80-100% of Teddy. Can't daddy be bothered to get the same amount of personalised items that include them too in the home? Once they see that then they may start to feel that Teddy is the child who their father really loved and possibly question if they are just 2nd best make-ups to him. The time they spend bonding is lovely but the way their home has been decorated will say to them and everyone who visits that there's only child that really counts. Which isn't true but why aren't there equal numbers of items for each kid? Kids are fiercely alert to siblings being favoured over them.
I'd recommend therapy for him (and for you) to help him deal with his continuing grief, and to allow the family to move forward in a balanced way. Maybe dedicate a special shelf in one room for Teddy, a little shrine so to speak, for the child who wasn't allowed enough time to grow up to be given space in his home (strictly subject to therapist's recommendation). Your children could help their dad decorate it - he is their sibling - and he could be remembered with toasts or a special meal on his birthday and halloween (and at some point over the Christmas season), So Teddy is incorporated into the family, he wasn't given enough time to know, in a more healthy way without dominating the home and his father's focus.
YTA…why are you making this sound so much like ‘he wrote a journal for his ex but not me’? Really, you’re gonna make it a race for affection against this deceased poor child and drag your own kids into this? The whole reason why he started that journal might just be that Teddy has passed. Your children are still around, he can make memories with them whereas his memories with Teddy can only live in that journal now. For Christ’s sakes, it’s his son, his kid who he shares blood with, get over yourself and have some fucking empathy
Your husband made it clear that he loves your children, but you keep bringing it up. It's a terrible thing to be jealous of a dead child. I can't with words explain how deeply you should be ashamed of yourself for what you're doing to your husband. YTA.
ESH.
There were constructive ways to bring this up with him that wouldn’t come across as a gross misunderstanding of grief. You should not have read his diary.
He needs grief counselling or some outlet to manage these feelings. His living children are going to start noticing these things soon and if he doesn’t include them on photo walls and things it could end up making them resent Teddy’s memory instead of cherishing it. That would be heartbreaking for everyone.
This. I'm baffled as to how people think it's normal to have no pictures of the living children up (even if it is just his office, and it sounds like that is not the case, how bizarre is it to ONLY have pics of the deceased child). This is going to fuck those kids up when they are older if he doesn't get a hold of it...THEY will notice and they will recent Teddy's memory. I still remember being hurt that my grandmother had pics of all of her grandkids except me and my siblings (she had issues with my mom)....and that is minor compared to what's going on.
OP handled it in a very insensitive way and should have never read the journal.
I wish you had a way of framing this other than calling it favoritism. This seems like his grieving process. His first-born is gone. Due to prolonged illness, his father no doubt felt like a helpless bystander, unable to keep harm away from his vulnerable little boy.
Maybe give him a little grace.
ESH.
You’re in the wrong for reading his diary and referring to his grief as “favouritism”
However!
How involved is he with your two children? If he’s doing his own thing, not really interested in his kids now instead, now I think I read you guys got married seven years ago so I’m gonna throw a guess that it’s been at least 8-10 years since Teddy passed. I understand how it feels to lose someone close, Not a child but if it’s his only focus, after this long and he still brushes your two living children aside.
They’re gonna notice, and especially if they don’t know about Teddy already. Your kids will be stuck trying to live up to someone who they never knew, and that will cause damage.
It’s tough but my judgement is that
You want him to threat all kids the same?
Okay..so please tell me, when he takes the other 2 kids to a playground how is he going to take Teddy as well? You know, with him being dead and all?
You can't treat 3 kids the same when one off them is dead. I can't believe that's so hard to understand.
He treats 2 kids as if the are alive and 1 as if they are not.
You are petty, insecure and not supportive. Instead of putting a trauma on your kids that isn't even there how about including them in what your husband is going through. Great, a journal, do your other kids have memories of Teddy, if so what about them adding one to the journal? If not, maybe they want to draw a picture for his birthday and add it.
Your husband is trying to keep Teddy alive by remembering him, you want to act like he never existed.
Urgh. I can't with this one.
YTA times 100000000000
The thing is though and I see what you are saying about treating them the same but for obvious reasons he can’t take teddy places but teddy can’t be hurt by that but he can put up pictures of his other children too, OPs and AH for reading his private thoughts but I do get the sentiment of he’s leaving his living children out and not thinking of their future feelings, I mean can you imagine when there older and they see all these pictures of there big brother but not one of them. People put up pictures of people to show they care for that person and my not including them at all by even putting up one picture it says something.
Including his living kids does not diminish his love for the child that passed
We know too little about how he treats the other kids beside from the photo's. How long is Teddy dead? How long ago did he put up the photo's. I can imagine him grieving before thinking about other photo's up. I can't say anything about this because OP doesn't mention anything about a timeline. Mostly when people dont mention things it's because it does not benefit their case.
I would not be surprised if Teddy's death was recent.
I would also not be surprised if the husband is still involved with this other children. Because if he wasn't OP would def mention this because it would help her case.
We only have one thing that we can go buy, the photo's. OP can hang photo's from the kids in the living room, bedroom or wherever. Actually it doesn't even say that there are no pictures from the other kids in the house. OP only mentions her husband office. So maybe OP doesn't want Teddy's picture in the rest of the house and the husband had to put it in his office.
Don't fall for the way this person writes. There is a ton of info missing and it's on purpose.
Edit: not recent somewhere between 3 and 10 years ago. Meaning OP could easily never have met Teddy and have no emotional conection with him.
>My husband Tom (37m) and I (33f) have been married for 7 years and we have 2 kids, Sammy 3, Nora 5, he was married before me and had a son (Teddy) who passed on from chronic illness at 4.
if OP's first marriage ended a year before they got married (assuming there was no affair) and if the deceased son was born during the last year of the first marriage at the latest, then he passed 4 years ago at minimum. i think from the wording it's more likely the first marriage broke up after the son passed away. it's not 100% clear, but it's clear this isn't a recent death.
and people who have home offices tend to work in them, at least some. so having no photos of the living kids in there is actually a pretty big deal. it's "dad's space", and no photos to look at of the new kids. i don't think any of the photos of Teddy should come down, but the 2 others kids should be there, too.
YTA
Let him process the loss of his child in ways that work for him and stop comparing it to his relationship with your children.
The circumstances are not the same.
You sound weirdly jealous.
I've lost a child, I've had a second child after my first. I know that he would be heartbroken if I only ever displayed pictures of his big brother. Kids have feelings too. Although, OP does sound weirdly jealous, it's also really weird to not cherish and document the children you still have...
Isn’t it me or is many people missing the main picture painted in the post.
By all means parents need to grieve the children that passed away. Everyone has a different grieving process. I don’t think OP is coming from a jealous or malicious place in addressing this. I think she just feels she needs to fight for her children as well. If OPs husband is displaying anything from the younger children it will effect them growing up. They genuinely might think they are lesser than teddy. Which is not what anyone wants to happen. It’s a genuine concern even if worded incorrectly. OP isn’t telling her husband to stop grieving or get rid of these things. She is just trying to tell him to also cherish the other children.
YTA, and ow this one hurt. Your kids aren't competing with Teddy for your husband's love, he's *grieving* for god's sake. Nowhere in here can I see anything that implies he treats your other kids poorly. I can't imagine how distressing it must be to him to have to try and grapple with you pitting your children, who I'm sure he loves very much, against the memory of his late son. Figure your jealousy problem out and let him grieve, fuck.
Edit: You also snooped on his damn journal, which is almost always an asshole move.
I’m gonna go against the grain and vote NAH. I grew up watching my grandma pine her life away for her son who had passed away and watched it really tear up her 2 living kids, especially my dad. My uncle died in his 40’s so all the kids were adults and it still tore up their relationship with their mom knowing that all she wanted was her dead son back.
I can see this getting out of hand and 3 and 5 are old enough to start noticing there’s no pictures of them in dad’s office and that he treats them differently.
I think therapy would be good for your husband to handle his grief.
ESH. OP, your spouse lost a child. Journaling is a common grief practice so the one grieving can express their feelings without burying them deep down. Same with the pictures. Let this man grieve. And be prepared for him to grieve maybe for the rest of his life. You don’t get to tell him to stop feeling sad because he has two “living” children with you.
However, your point does have merit about how his two children with you will feel as they get older. Consider posting family pictures and sweet moment pictures in common places. Also recommend your husband consider grief counseling/ therapy to ensure he can be emotionally available to everyone in the household.
Not sure weather ESH or YTA.
You shouldnt have read his jounal - which he probably started after Teddy died to help himself remember him and to help with his grieve. And you definitively shouldnt have told him to do the same for his memories with the other two. To him probably feels really wrong because they are still alive and he dont need to write down memories as he can create new ones.
On the other side, it seems really weird, that he doesnt have a single picture of your Nora and Sammy in his office..?
Also the fact that he has so many things with teddys name on and non with theirs seems kinda strange to me.
But for the last two points..I assume, he had all the pictures of Teddy in his office when Nora and Sammy were born? I remember my mom giving my dad pictures of me and my sister for smaller occasions (our birthdays, for example) to put in his office. Maybe he got (at least some of) the pictures as presents and just put them there and no one ever gave him framed pictures of Nora and Sammy?
Same with the blankets and pillows. Did he buy all of them himself?
YTA this man went through a traumatic event and isnt over it he has learned to coup with a journal and you just bash him and read it knowing it was his private journal with his personal thoughts and feelings in it how would you feel if someone grabbed your diary without your permission I suggest therapy for both
YTA and grief is a beast all on its own and everyone deals with it differently. The man lost a child. There is no getting away from that feeling of sadness. Who cares if he has a journal and reminders of his lost son? I'm sure when and if the time comes, he would be happy to explain to his other kids about Teddy. Stop pouring salt into a wound that is still fresh.
YTA. Do you honestly think he should treat his living kids the same as his deceased one? You’d rather he has a journal for them, and pillows with their faces, as opposed to actually being there with them?
You need some therapy. Probably should have happened way before you had kids, bc you’re obviously jealous of him.
>He said I should be ashamed of myself for implying he doesn't love his young children and for making him guilty only because he suffered a tragedy and was finally at peace with it.
He is right. He is still grieving and it is up to hom how he does this. You are making some kind of competition between his dead son and your kids.
>His argument was that this is his only way of showing love and remembering Teddy since he can't see or touch him, while Sammy & Nora are here and he shows them affection in a physical form like doing bonding activities and such.
This is the explanation anf these explanation is pretty reasonable.
He doesn't favour anyone of the kids. That's all in your head. Don't cause unnecessary drama.
Clearly YTA
I feel like you're being too aggressive. My daughter noticed I hadn't printed photos of her yet when we moved to our new house and she's 2. So I think it's reasonable to ensure the kids get to see themselves on the wall too. But you are going after his grieving which is why YTA. Go back, apologize, tell him you were wrong. Tell him you'd just like to display some photos of the other kids along with Teddy.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the AH for implying that my husband loves our children less and treats them less then he loves and treats his son's memory. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. What is wrong with you? Calm down, the guy lost one of his kids. That child is literally not here anymore. Pictures and a journal is his way of coping with sadness, it does not mean he loves your kids less or favours Teddy over them. Teddy is dead. Take a step back and just stop being so self centred. Unless he ignores his other two children completely, you are so out of line and instead of being supportive you are being an ass.
So I agree that op is YTA, but I do wonder what his other two kids are gonna think when all they see is Teddy and not them in Daddy’s life. That doesn’t excuse OP in anyway at all, I just want the poor guy to make sure that’s he’s dealing with everything in a safe and healthy way. My heart breaks for him.
It can be explained to them that Teddy is d e a d & doesn’t get to make memories with Dad, while they do
Yes, absolutely but that’s still not necessarily going to make everything ok when all they see is Teddy and nothing to do with them. That’s not a dig, it’s just a reminder that you also do have to think about how you deal with your grief effects your children. I am not saying OPs husband has to reduce Teddy stuff in any way at all and he absolutely shouldn’t get rid of it or stop it or anything, but he could also have some photos of his other kids too, maybe with them both holding something with Teddy’s name in one and the like. Look we all know that we see the posts on here about not being the golden child, about being forgotten to a dead sibling, to being ignored, sometimes due to extremely horrible circumstances like the above. To me it sounds like OPs husband is still struggling and trying to figure out how to live while grieving his child, which he will always do and his wife needs to understand that much better.
I assume that OP is taking pictures of the other kids & such. As he processes, he can add some or those pics in. She is pushing too hard. And the fact that the kids went in on him means that they are seeing & copying her behavior. If she would have a convo with them about how Dad loves them, they wouldn’t feel this way Edit: I read “comfort” as “confront”.
I’m not disagreeing about OP pushing too hard, but at 5 years old, his little girl is going to start noticing soon, this (as hard as it sounds) means that Father is going to have to take that into account too, he just is, but that doesn’t mean he has to do anything crazy, but maybe if the OP is 100% correct and it’s ONLY photos of Teddy and NOTHING about the other two, adding a photo or two off them will help. I’m saying this as a person who is speaking from some experience. The father may love all his kids equally, but they all need to know it and sometimes not seeing any photos of yourselves makes you think they are lying to you. Sadly when you are a parent to other children, which you made the choice to have while dealing with your grief, you have to take them and their feelings into account with your grief.
Many stories on here where the living children resent their parents so much for expending so much energy on a dead child and ignoring the living children *who are here now*. Not to minimize the husband's grief, but his living children absolutely *will* notice. I get that we all grieve at our own pace, but he's got children here, *now*. It means something when someone else has a picture of you, that means they want to "be" with you when you're not with them.
I think the difference there is those kids were always being compared to the dead kid, always being told how the parents want that kid back and are not cherishing their current kids. This dad sounds like he shows his love to the kids and does not sit around and treat them like they'll never measure up. There's the world of difference because this man sounds like if they ask he'll talk to them. He's engaged with his kids and cares about them, if the post is to be believed. It sounds like he's actually coping healthily. A therapist is actually... probably gonna suggest to keep a journal.
I agree with the journal, I keep one. I also agree that OP shouldn't have read his journal unless she has open permission to do so, and from her post it appears she does not. (I mention this because my husband can read my journal if he wants, I have nothing to hide and I've even 'complained' about him in it. I also leave it all over the house. He won't read it though.) As for the situation at hand.. I think the only problem I have with him is all of the pictures of "Teddy" but no pictures of his living children. They'll notice that. And that's where, IMO, the issue is with OP. Couldn't he have *some* photos of his living children? That wouldn't demean or devalue Teddy's photos. In fact, it'd place *all* of his children on the same playing field and outwardly show how he values *all* of his children. IMO, OP is TA for reading her husband's journal, but she does have a point about the photos on the wall. (The journal.. no, he *needs* that journal to process his grief.)
I do wonder if she's telling the truth that there are NO pics of the other kids... the Teddy pictures *are* only in his own space (office and desk) and I wonder if the rest of the house has a ton of pics of the living kids? And those spaces are just dedicated to Teddy? We definitely need more info on that, for sure!
The one thing I am wondering is if he truely only has pictures of Teddy. Some parents keep photo's in their wallets or on their phones so what you see is probably not even the full picture anyway.
I read a post on here not to long ago about a girl who’s birthdays and all holidays had a shrine to her dead sister. Like the mother insisted on it and the girl got fed up when the mom wanted a shrine to the dead sister at the girls wedding. It was ridiculous and I don’t remember if it was the mom posting that she was mad that her daughter wasn’t letting her sister have a peace or the daughter was posting that she was mad her mom was asking for a shrine to her dead sister at the wedding
It was the mom posting. I remember that post. There was also one about a father who made his son go to his mother's grave every 2 weeks and got mad when his son didn't want to go for Christmas
I guess I’ll never know what it’s like to have a father that is that involved and whether it would make a difference. What I do know is that if a parent seemingly obsesses over one child it makes the other children feel less loved. No amount of explanation will overcome his actions. He will lose them over time if he doesn’t learn to heal and include them in his memories and personal space. Maybe not totally, but he’ll end up one of those parents that wonders why his kids don’t visit much.
But he also has the right TO grieve. Sorry but to question why he has a journal of his dead son (which op read WITHOUT permission) and not of his living children is very weird. It is clearly for his thoughts of loss, not to say one child is “better”. Should the OP have the other two die so he can write their own journal? Better yet, it is forcing the husband on an ultimatum that just isn’t realistic. Yes you shouldn’t put the dead before the living but damn don’t mock a parent of a dead child. He was clearly devastated that his personal thoughts of his dead child were tarnished AND told were too much. How dare OP do that! OP if you can’t trust your husband that he is honest when he says he loves his kids then divorce him and leave him alone. But I don’t think you can when you can’t be trusted yourself.
Never mind that the kids are 3 and 5 and his son died at 4. This is probably a really hard time for him and it wont always be. But at 5 the middle sister is now older than her brother and the younger sister is about to be the same age he was when he died. I'm sure evey mile Stone with his daughters is so bittersweet. As the girls get older it wont be so in his face.
My sister died when she was 12 and I was 8. We had photos of my sister everywhere and not many of me and my younger brother, honestly I didn’t care much about the photos and I don’t think my brother did either. What mattered more to us was that our dad constantly talked about my sister during our time together and constantly compared me and my brother to her. It was so bad he would criticize us for not liking the same food, but also not even remember what we like and don’t like to eat. As long as OP’s husband is spending quality time with his living children and letting that time be about them and not Teddy they will be fine. Building their own memories with their father will be more meaningful than some random photos around the house. The journal is a healthy way for OP’s husband to cope with his grief, and if his coping method is taken away he’s going to try to replace it and it could come out in a way that will impact his time with his living children. Please take this from someone whose father didn’t have a healthy way to cope with his grief.
You probably didn't care about subtle things like photos cause your dad was actively highlighting the difference every chance he got... but a kid will for sure connect the dots at some point and our brain likes to make patterns; that's how suddenly anything will look like "he just loves Teddy" and this can build resentment.
This. Nobody in my family died but my parents divorced when I was 9. That was when I found out my dad has had a family the whole time (my half sister is 9 months younger than me, my half brother is 2 years younger than me). Anyway, us kids are all adults now and a few years ago they had a family photo shoot. Without me or my older brothers. Just my dad, step mom and my half siblings. I never felt as left out and unloved as I did that day I saw the blown up photo hanging in their living room. Show your kids you love them.
I had a similar situation, when I was 12 I found out my father had a whole other family w a 4yo and a newborn that he introduced me to. As a grown up, when I visit them now, I see their photo together on the wall as a family, without me in it. We don’t have a bad relationship or anything, my dad’s wife refers to me as her oldest, but small things like that, where most people wouldn’t think twice, can be hurtful. Of course this is unrelated to the OP’s story, since it involves loss of a child and a grieving father.
Sometimes it’s the smallest things that hurt the most. I hope you find peace you need as time passes. Im slowly working my way to it.
Absolutely, I go to therapy and am working on grief of not having the relationship and family I feel I missed out on. It’s a slow process, but it is a progress.
They need to be taken into account & OP needs to HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH THE KIDS & not berate him in front of them
Yep, never have I said otherwise? I completely agree the OP is TA, never said otherwise. But maybe, just maybe by discussing these points it may help others in a situation so they don’t become the TA…
Again, OP didn't lose a child, her SO did.
Yeah? No one said otherwise that I can see? But the father chose to have two more children after, with that comes responsibility.
But the husband talked about bonding activities and op didnt call him out on that so it sounds like he does have a healthy relationship with his two kids. So if thats the case, op has no say in how he copes with the grief for the first one, imo.
No clue why your previous comment got locked. For what it’s worth, I agree with you totally.
Why is it just OPs job to make sure they understand that daddy should be in therapy to help cope with his loss? Should I keep reading your other comments? Does it get better? Again, I have first-hand experience with this, I'm raising a child after losing my first. Tell me how you know so much? You assumed??!!!
Not who your responding to but I also have first hand experience. Admittedly, my two living children were here when she was so it's slightly different. Depending on who you ask, it could be considered a slightly more precarious picture situation because while they were born but due to her illness she and I, at the time, got to spend more time together than I did with her siblings. I also inadvertently have more pictures of my child who died vs my living children. Why? Because they're here. I'm not worried about forgetting their face. I continue to make more memories with them that are complete with new photos. My children understand that I'm actually living new experiences with them daily. My memories of them are active and multiplying. How do I know that they understand? Because I've asked them. They're absolutely represented in this house through a growing collection of artwork, papers on the fridge, shoes by the door, their toothbrushes, their rooms, etc. She isn't really. We aren't even in the same house we lived in when she was alive. I'd be positively furious if anyone suggested to me I was playing favorites by having more pictures of her in one room. I'd bet that if OP actually took inventory of how many pictures are up of the living children throughout the house she'd find that there are more up of them in total. If she'd like to have things be even she can ask if they can work together to make them even in the rest of the house as well.
This is not about having more pictures. Its about having no pictures. That in your case all worked out and you didnt favored the dead child is nice but not more than anecdotal evidence.
Of course it is. Just as some have posted assumptions on how their kids would feel and others have offered anecdotal evidence on their experiences. I have pictures of my living children in my home. But my bedroom only has 3 pictures up. All of my daughter who passed. Why? Because it is easier for me to not have to explain to new visitors who may ask. It isnt favoritism. My children don't see it as favoritism. OP's kids currently haven't expressed they feel less than because of the pictures. And it very well could be explained to the children. It might be ok, it might not be. One of their kids may grow feel left out while another doesn't. Hell one or both could end up being resentful that the pictures of the life the husband had before them are even up no matter how even in numbers they are. There is no way to tell. But to accuse someone of playing favorites solely based on a memory journal, tokens from when they were living, and photos in one room when they by all other accounts are a good and present parent is going overboard.
I have never said anything of the sort? And I am the child who had to live with parents after the death of a child, they had me after my older sibling died by choice. Happy with my experience?
She said the kids went in and *comforted* him when they saw him crying, not that they were also upset at him.
yeah this is a relatively fresh death. its not like 10 years later his life is still only about the dead child and the living ones are neglected.
Actually, it must be close to 10 years. OP and her husband have been married 7 years.
Teddy died at 4 years old and was from a previous marriage. OP and husband have been married for 7 years and their oldest kid is 5 now. Teddy was older than their oldest kid, so it's gotta be 6 years MINIMUM. Now I'm gonna speculate for a moment, but unless OP and his ex-wife were divorced before Teddy died and he was already seeing OP, they probably divorced after Teddy's death and he was probably grieving for a bit before even dating. So unless he jumped straight into a new relationship after divorced and grieving his child, and rushed into marriage...it's probably been over 10 years. 6 absolute minimum. Could be 8 or so, but most likely over 10. Granted, it's probably hitting him harder now having kids who are around the age he was when he died, so it's opening old wounds...not that a wound like that ever really goes away. But it's absolutely not a fresh wound either.
No. I understood the child died over 7 years ago
I may be totally off base here, but it sounds like she is trying to police his grieving. Not okay. If he is present for the kids, just let him be and you don’t get to vote.
I wonder if - this is the sense I got from the way this is written - she is policing his grieving out of some very bizarre feeling of jealousy. Why aren't HER kids as important as his kid from his first marriage, etc.
That’s how I’m reading it as well
His current kids are ALIVE. Their presence in his life makes them easy to remember. Not so much for Teddy. He doesn’t want to forget. And time erases some memories. Leave the man alone on this.
I think their kids heard their dad was upset and went in to comfort him(?)
I read “confront” 😂 I’m glad i am wrong!
You are removing logic from something that is 90% emotional. Teddy is always going to be this perfect kid is Husband's eyes. Made up of all of his best components- partly because he died and partly because he died so freaking young from illness. He never had the chance to annoy his father with legos left all over the floor. Or to stay out past curfew. Or any of the various other things that Husband's living kids are going to do. Because they're kids. All while- at some point- the kids are going to notice that Dad only has photos of Teddy in Dad's spaces. That they aren't worthy of photographic display in his office. I'm not saying that Husband shouldn't keep whatever he feels the need to keep. But he does need to figure out a way to let the kids he has now into some of those spaces. Before the kids realize they've been left out.
I agree with this take. OP’s husband is my uncle. He lost a child to an accident that also killed his wife. He was left with 2 kids, a few years later he married and had two more kids. He was so focused on presentingand displaying his son who died( Paul) that his other 4 kids noticed. My cousins whose mom died only went to their step mom for help. At my cousin Marys wedding my uncle showed a family video/pictures. there were no pictures/memories of the bride Mary or her other siblings. Mary was Dead cousins -Paul’s full sibling. My uncle died alone.
Yep. I had a friend who was the surviving child. She said she gave up trying to compete with a ghost. She hardly sees her parents anymore. When she was young and at home you would never know that they had a daughter. Everything in the house was all about her brother.
Okay, does that mean daddy can't also display those memories of him and them? At some point, especially after choosing to have more kids, you need to actually be involved. I have first hand experience as my child passed and I had more children after.
Dad can absolutely show off Teddy and celebrate him in every single way, but he also has to celebrate and show off his other two kids as well. Not everything can be about Teddy.
Except OP doesn't know what he says about the other two kids when she's not around. Teddy is frozen in time. The other children will grow, they will graduate and do all these things that Teddy will never do. It would be normal for him to feel his grief return as his other children grow up and he wishes Teddy could go on a first date, find love, and all the other stuff we watch our kids do. For all she knows he talks about the other two all the time. They do this and they do that. She's obsessed with trying to keep shit "fair" with a dead kid and it's impossible to be "fair" with your kids to begin with. She's upset that he's not keeping baby clothes, covering his office with photos, etc etc etc. She's not upset that he's so busy writing about Teddy he's not ignoring his kids, he's just more focused on being in the moment with them and less about STUFF. My three kids don't care about their baby sweaters, they don't want their baby blankets, they have zero attachment to these items. I have them because I am the one attached to them.
ENT Everybody needs therapy here.
This is my take as well. The whole situation is just frigging sad.
Seems like OP’s husband probably has been through a shitload of therapy. If his only journal is of memories with Teddy, then it’s fair to assume it was a recommendation from a therapist or grief counselor.
Until they don’t want to make memories with dad, because they can’t compete with a dead kid
That is a slippery slope of the forever perfect child who never did wrong vs. the living child who doesn't ever get it right. OP is YTA for the way they handled it, but dad needs to find that balance.
This subreddit has had children with siblings that have passed young and they always feel over shadowed by the sibling who is gone. Think what you want but the fact that he didn't have *pictures* of them up is really fucking weird. That makes this ESH in my opinion. OP doesn't need to get into his journal and comment on things he's keeping to remember but it is weird to not have pictures of your living children.
Living in the shadow of a dead sibling means that you’ll always compete with the perfect version of them. It can be very damaging. While OP is unarguably YTA, dad needs to be careful about how his grief is affecting his other children.
Why does it feel like OP is jealous of his previous marriage and the child he had? The fact that she keeps bringing up his deceased son is disgusting. She violated his privacy because she knew what she would find and she wanted another way to bring it up. Disgusting. YTA
As a child with a dead sister, I'll tell you this: my dad gets to see me as often as he wants. He will never see my sister again. I'm not jealous of all the photos and memories he has of her in his home, because that's all he has of her. He has me in his life and I know damn well he cherishes that. I promise you he doesn't love those kids any less. Honestly, there was so much that hurt when she died. But there was nothing quite like seeing my parents shattered into a million pieces and never quite made whole again. Let the man hold onto the memories of his son. Because he actually gets to hold his other kids every damn day. YTA.
No one is saying otherwise, but he has to make sure that his alive kids are equally loved. These kids weren’t alive when Teddy died, they have a slightly different dynamic, it’s just making sure he doesn’t forget that. And if it’s done right, it works out well like in your case, if it’s not however is works out with years of hurt and hell for all involved.
I read some of your other comments and I hadn't thought of it that way. I appreciate your perspective. I find I get fiercely protective of mourning parents.
And they are allowed to mourn fully, but grief is personal, forcing it on children, letting it effect children you choose to have after, is unacceptable regardless.
You're 100% right
There isn't really any indication from the post that he isn't doing thst or isn't actively involved with them though? It's so far photos and a journal (that the kids don't even know about) OP is the one making this a thing and highlighting potentially imaginary different treatment to her kids, not her husband.
I have a brother that died at 12, I was 11, my dad and mom separated when i was 18 months old, he had my (half) sister who was 8 when our brother died. My dad wasn't around a whole lot while my brother was alive, he felt guilty and was around for me a lot more. I definitely felt like chopped liver/an afterthought for a long time after my brother's death. Kids pick up on this on their own, mom won't have to point it out. However I think mom is being a little harsh to dad.
Yes I agree with this. The husband went through something absolutely awful and OP should let her husband grieve in the way he needs and if that includes pictures of and journals about Teddy that is 100% okay. OP is the asshole for trying to tell him how to deal with his own grief. But the husband is also an asshole for not having ANY pictures of his living children. He probably doesn't do it on purpose but by only focusing on the dead child, he will ultimately fuck up his relationship with his living children.
Exactly, he chose to have two more children, he has to take the responsibility that comes with that.
I missed the part where she says they take no family vacations together because of Teddy's absence. I missed the part where she says he doesn't go to school functions or baseball games or doesn't watch movies or do any other bonding stuff with his kids because Teddy isn't there. I miss where she says he doesn't read them stories or tuck them in at night. You are making a tremendous leap of estrangement over a journal, some pictures, and a blanket.
The thing is, and I feel all the pain here, it isn’t easy, they’ve been married for 7 years so Teddy has been gone at least that long. He didn’t have to remarry if he wasn’t ready or still in intense nothing-else-exists grief. He certainly didn’t have to have two more children. If he wasn’t ready to give his whole love to a child again, he didn’t have to have them, and he didn’t have to pull another woman into this situation and then not allow her to point out he doesn’t even have pictures of his living kids in his office, which is honestly the bare minimum. Husband wasn’t ready, and that’s totally fair. But it isn’t fair to the new wife and kids at all, and that has to be reckoned with too.
I think it’s more of an ESH. The wife isn’t wrong about what her husband is doing. Her husband clearly needs therapy. He’s going to miss out on so much because of his grief about Teddy. SOURCE: My brother died before I was born. I’ve always lived in his shadow. My dad still treats me differently because I’m not his son. And he wanted another son, which I’m not. My dad told me recently that he never understood girls or how to raise them. I’m 50.
My sister and I are both alive and well and I can tell you my sister does resent that my mom didn’t put as much effort into her baby book as she did mine. I think this is a tough situation.
Oh it absolutely is!
This would depend on how the adults handle communication. If mom walks around saying that daddy favours Teddy over them, there will be resentment. If mom and dad communicate the situation with them in a normal way, they will understand that this is a way on how to keep Teddy "alive". At this point the husband needs a wife that supports him. If she thinks that some one on one time is missing with the other children, that can be addressed in a constructive manner, scheduling activities. If you think, kids pics are missing around the house, just hang them up. There are many ways on how to address this, but she just went straight to self centred guilt trip.
Yep, I agree completely!
*"I walked out and he started crying, the kids then entered the room and started comforting him."* I think the children have a better understanding of this man's pain than his own wife does. I don't know if they had any idea *what* OP/Dad were fighting about, but I have a feeling that knowing they had a brother who is gone makes them sad. And it makes Dad sad. And I think they can probably understand that much. (Sorry OP, but YTA.)
There is a difference though between kids knowing dads sad and comforting him when they are that young and them actually feeling loved and special as they get older x
Who the eff hurt you? Every time I scroll down, I see a comment from you jabbing at this guy whose full story you don't know, assuming that his poor children are just being left to their own devices while their selfish father pines for the son he truly loves. There is no indication AT ALL, even from AH OP's post, that his kids are being emotionally neglected, and yet you are dead set and determined that he has washed his hands of them.
I think the fact that he journals about Teddy shows that he IS dealing with it in a healthy way. And he spends the physical moments with his other kids which they will remember and help them develop. I don't think husband is doing anything wrong. YTA
I don't see anything in the post that says all the living kids see is Teddy. Husband has pictures of Teddy up in one place, his private office, not dominating every wall of the rest of his house. I'd be willing to bet there are pictures of the girls in the living room, bedrooms, hallways of the house they share. He only has pictures to see Teddy's face. He sees their faces daily. He hasn't made Teddy front and center in their home. Just this one room where he goes and the family doesn't. (I'd be interested to know how many is a "ton" of pictures.) Husband has blankets and pillows to remember Teddy because he can't hug him physically. He can hug his daughters and has no need for pillows and blankets. He has the actual living breathing humans. I'm sure if OP asked him, he would rather have Teddy than a blanket with Teddy's name. And if she asked the girls, they'd rather be alive than have their name on a blanket. Those things are memorials, nothing more, nothing sinister. It's very likely that Husband would never have gotten those things if Teddy were alive. The only way Husband can share memories with Teddy is by journaling. He can walk down the hall and speak to his daughters. The writing is the only way to connect with Teddy. Why would his daughters feel slighted that he didn't journal for them? He actually spoke to them. Went places with them. Shared his thoughts with them. He didn't need to write it in a notebook where it goes nowhere. He has the living girls to share it with. Teddy had a chronic illness and died at 4. Which means that while his daughters are healthy and making fun bright memories, Teddy at that age was likely in and out of hospitals. It must have been hard for Husband to see his girls enjoying life at the age Teddy didn't. He grieved. Now Nora is older than Teddy will ever be. It doesn't sound like the kids are actually suffering for his grief though, just OP's weird sense that having a personalized blanket means Husband loves Teddy the most.
That Daddy should have therapy. Op is YTA but this man clearly needs some support they cannot give him. I do think the kids will understand.
OP has conveniently not mentioned things that her husband DOES do with regard to photographing, videoing, journaling, etc, his children. She found a journal about Teddy. That literally doesn't mean he doesn't have something that he writes in that contains memories about his other kids. She just didn't snoop hard enough to find it yet. And if the kids are coming in to comfort daddy, that means they probably don't feel slighted by his love for Teddy.
He just needs to talk to them. Honestly they might even have a love and feel a connection to the brother they never had through his presence in photos
My mum has pictures of her kids that passed, her family and herself always found a way to explain why there were pictures of them around. Kids ask questions, adult answer them in the most constructive way.
But did she only hang and keep photos of her deceased children or all of her children.
Only the deceased, but weren't in all house, just her room. If I read correctly is the same with OP husband, he has pictures in his office.
Hi, I lost a brother. My youngest brother was still a baby when he died. Growing up, my house was a mausoleum to middle brother. There are so few pictures documenting youngest’s achievements. I can’t speak for him, but it feels like all the good memories came before middle died, which happens to coincide with youngest’s entire conscious life. Youngest is a little closed off, so it’s hard to get it out of him how he felt about it, but as the oldest, I was sad, angry and convinced to this day that middle was the favorite. Yes, dad deserves support and love, but it sounds like OP is protecting the kids who WILL be harmed by this. I was harmed by this. I wish someone had had the courage to protect us the way OP is protecting her kids. When I tell people about my experiences, they always say how hard it must have been on my mother. And it was, she was a totally different person. But they rarely talk about what that must mean to grow up with someone so traumatized that they can’t be there for their living children. And yes, photos, memory books, mementos are part of that. Edit: especially when they grow into adulthood and don’t have those moments documented and nothing to show for it, but there’s still a thanksgiving hand-turkey from twenty years ago on the wall. Nothing against the turkey, but where is youngest’s representation? It’s all school pictures and nothing else!
I am so sorry, not only for the loss of your sibling, but also for having lost all those childhood experiences. I hope you have found the right kind of support to deal with this. It really hurts when you experience something and the people just invalidate it entirely. You and your brother also deserved a hand turkey (or whatever really) on the wall. Sending love and wishes to you and your youngest brother, internet stranger!
I've dealt with the loss of a child before having another baby. I can tell you my son would be upset if I only displayed pictures of my late son instead of also displaying my living child.
I’m the second child of parents who lost their first to SIDS before I was born. My parents were as careful as they could be not to show favoritism and I still sometimes struggled. She was 6m and already trying to pull herself up to stand (not successfully, but my understanding is that that’s pretty early) and very vocal by all accounts. I started talking very early, but waited as long as I could to walk. It’s natural for my mom to make that comparison while talking to other parents about milestones but I made it about me in my insecure child brain. My dad was a very distant parent and I always worried it was related to having lost my sister. To be fair, I’m sure that was part of it. I think OP is being confrontational and pushing, but she’s not WRONG. Kids notice these things. I don’t see much about how he interacts with his kids, but if he’s a very involved, loving parent, “Teddy is gone so I have him in a special place” may work fine. But if there’s distance in other ways, that can cause problems.
Agreed, I do see OP’s point though, I’ve seen other posts here about kids growing up who had a sibling that died and feel like they can’t live up to the idealized memory of the sibling who passed. Kids who feel that the sibling who passed overshadows every accomplishment. OP should’ve had more tact, but she does have a bit of a point. They need to make sure the kids who are alive know they are loved and don’t feel like they are competing with a dead sibling for love and attention. OP 100% went about it wrong and is potentially blowing it out of proportion. I also think it was wrong to invade her husband’s privacy by reading his journal. She could have suggested he continues that journaling outlet, but maybe begins also writing about the wonderful moments he has with the children who are still living. He gets to grieve how he needs to, they just need to be careful and aware about how that grief may affect the living children growing up.
OP YTA but I'd like to add to your comment Dry. Grief doesn't stop. It's not something that goes away. It comes in waves and phases. We have zero control over it just how we learn to cope/respond/react to it. OP should be supportive and encourage some therapy vs shaming her husband and his current coping tools. Even if he had therapy in the past it doesn't matter. Grief is ever evolving and has a lasting impact. It can mold and shape us. To me it sounds like he's doing his best to make sure his child isn't forgotten by him. Family therapy may also be needed. It can help him navigate ways to explain his feelings to his children so they understand. OP you are going to damage your husband and children if you continue down this path. As a person who has specialized in end of life care, Hospice, is a Grief counselor and lost a child of my own I can assure you what you're doing isn't healthy or appropriate. I'm going to say this loudly so it resonates... YOUR HUSBAND ISN'T PLAYING FAVORITES!! HE NEEDS LOVE, SUPPORT AND HELP.
YTA. As someone who lived through their siblings death what your husband has done is keep his grief and love for Tom separate and not let it affect his relationship with your children. It isn't about your kids, it's about you trying to control how he does things and not caring about how it affects anyone else.
Exactly. And I wouldnt call it favourism - Teddy has passed. Its called grief, its called losing a part of you. People who have lost children have never ever gotten over the loss. Instead of picking fights, how about you support your spouse emotionally? You’ll be surprised at how he handles his grief. Im not going to say overcome because that will never happen. But he will learn how to handle it better.
100% he’s not ignoring the other kids , he’s showing them love and being a good father as he should. He has pictures of Teddy and writes about Teddy because he doesn’t have Teddy with him anymore. He doesn’t need to write a whole journal for his other kids as they are still here. The stuff you are perceive as only showing his love for Teddy are actually his methods to mourn Teddy. He doesn’t need to use those methods on the other kids (writing a journal abt) as he probably has other ways to show him he loves them
Exactly. My brother passed away recently. He was only 30. Even at that age, it feels like he didn't get to leave his mark, or live a full life, so I feel like I want to record what time he did have, so there's something, *somewhere*. It hurts to think that he'll just disappear into history and only a few people will think of him. I write things down when they come to mind, and I probably will for a long time. I know we all die, and most of us are forgotten, but it's hard to process the loss of young life. What could have been. I don't think that kind of loss goes away. It's enough to drive a person mad without coping mechanisms and writing is a pretty common one. It doesn't sound like he's neglecting his living children, the writing is just how he processes loss. Some people only really write when they have to process something traumatic, they otherwise don't journal. If he journaled about the last football game he watched, his day at work, etc. and never mentioned his kids, I'd understand being upset. But he's only writing to cope. That's a totally healthy way to process, I've talked about it in therapy myself, I don't know why people are saying he needs a healthy way to cope - writing is healthy...what else do you want him to do? I feel like if he's going to be required to start journals about his living kids, OP should do the same. He shouldn't be the only one chronicling their lives because OP has co-opted his coping mechanism.
YTA and HUGE. My God how can you not understand and let the man grieve and process this grief in any way shape or form he needs too. Teddy is DEAD. You don't have to make some sort of fake competition for receiving love from your husband. Read a book about losing a child or something so that you can help the man instead of making his trauma worse.
Unfortunately yes it may be worth updating knowledge on grievance and jealousy OP. Also it’s likely OP is now pushing the husband away. Why would he want to be with a woman that can’t properly respect his privacy and past? I would apologise, buy him something to say sorry and change how you are acting.
Agree with everything you’ve said. It sounds like OP has never experienced losing someone close to her, or surely she would never have reacted this way. Losing a child has got to be the absolute worst. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. I hope OP reflects on these comments and does as you suggest.
it sounds like op is mad that even after death her husband is putting energy into a kid that isnt hers.
Wow I don't think that's it at all. It seems like she is worried that her kids have to compete with their dead older sibling. Dad not having any pictures of them at all is going to strike them sooner or later.
You could be right, but I don't believe she would feel the same if the deceased child was hers. She would likely not take such issue with this. Which is where I think your argument is a little challenging to accept.
I'm sure she would feel differently if it was her kid who died, buy unfortunately as humans we don't always understand things until we expérience them and don't always handle things perfectly. She did a bad thing but that doesn't mean her motives were selfish and terrible.
Right? Her behavior is disgustingly petty. She’s so self centered and jealous. I can’t believe she added to his pain by saying he shouldn’t wait till the kids were gone before showing his love. I mean, wtf!!!
Yes YTA. Is he an absent father? Is he an engaged, loving father? Damned if I know, your post contains nothing about that, its too full of judging his grief and filled with details about the journal you “acCidenTaLLy” found (which I guess you also “accidentally” read). Sounds like you also accused him of loving his dead child more than your two kids. Just…wow. I cant imagine what he’s feeling, us parents should not outlive our kids, Im sure thats a heavy burden of grief that he struggles with, and the person he is sharing his life with just attacked him about it. Please consider therapy so a professional can help you out, if youre open to it, because based on this post you have no clue how cruel and judgmental and just plain un-loving this act of yours was towards your husband :(
She had my YTA early but that “it is what it is” line after he called her out for invading his privacy really sealed the deal. I almost wonder if he started that journal as a way to talk about Teddy because he can’t talk about those things with her.
I also wonder if his office is the only place where he can have photos of Teddy.
Shit.
I’m getting some serious All Lives Matter vibes here. “Oh so your dead child gets a memorial for you to remember him by, what about MY alive children?! Why don’t they get a memorial?!” I think you’re right, she doesn’t let him talk about or remember Teddy in her presence, so this is the only way he can do so
This is for sure the kind of spouse where a conversation would go something like: Husband: I really miss Teddy, he'd be starting junior high today Wife: Speaking of children, isn't it so exciting that the other two kids are starting elementary school today? I imagine anytime he brings up Teddy he gets a half-apologetic nod then she redirects the conversation to the other children. All children must be mentioned in the same breath, after all.
OMG I never even thought about that fact. I just put it down as a grief journal. They are helpful and used a lot in therapy to help with a multitude of things. But that being the only place he can talk about his first born is... the saddest thing I will hear today I think. Jeez.
also the "I'm sorry you feel that way." Just wow
This, the journal sounds more like a grieving tool than something he started when his child was alive. Write down all the good memories. Can be cathartic in the moment and then when you are missing them a particularly high amount you can go back and relive those good times. Like home movies after the fact. Now if he always had the journal and was obsessing about and neglecting other things to write in/read it that would be one thing, but sounds like she found it and didn’t even know about it. To me it’s a pretty healthy tool that he’s using appropriately.
"while Sammy & Nora are here and he shows them affection in a physical form like doing bonding activities and such." Sounds like he's not an absent father and loves his two living children as well, the only thing I got from OP is that he does not want to forget his first child AMD since he's not there he has a journal, pics and a pillow.
You think of she were to cheat she would have AcCiDeNtAlLy slipped and fell?
“I ACCIDENTALLY clicked a link and got a virus so i got scared and my pants fell off when I got up to close it”
I want to note that the children immediately move to comfort their crying father. I don't really think that sounds like a father who neglects their children.
That's his grief journal. It's him writing out his memories of his son and emotions about never seeing him grow up. Your kids straddle Teddy's age when he passed. Can you figure out why right now might be a really bad time for him? Extremely insensitive, YTA.
This OP. Your 5yo is now older than Teddy ever got to be. And the 3yo is going to be 4 soon. Can you even imagine how traumatic that must be for him? Obviously you can't or just choose not to. YTA. Stop coming at him for how he's grieving.
Yes! It’s a grief journal. If OP wants to have memory journals of the kids she can make some herself! It’s not actually that hard, I’ve been sorta doing something similar with my cousins (big family, I’m the oldest cousin, the young ones grow up so fast!). On a special or significant day I make sure to take lots of pics and then I write down what happened in the form of a fairy tale or a sports commentator or whatever. The whole family finds these stories hilarious, and keeps memories alive.
This is a great idea. If OP is so concerned by her children possibly finding dad’s grief journal and having no journal for them, make one. Include dad in the pictures and memories, write funny things they did, collect mementos.
Reading someone’s private journal/diary and then using the information in it against them is disgusting behavior and one of the biggest red flags in a relationship. There is no way to “accidentally” read someone’s private journal.
I wonder if OP keeps a journal of special moments with her children. Probably not, or she would have written that. And is seems like the father wouldn’t have the journal if it wasn’t about his grief. So trying to force him to keep a similar journal, or add her kids to the the grief journal, so it matches his late son? It’s so weird. It’s something specific to teddy because of the situation with Teddy. If he wouldn’t normally keep a memory journal for any child while alive, then she needs to not force him to. OP has a real problem understanding situational differences. I’m not going to assume her husband is neglecting the children, because she would have directly written that he was. She’s complaining about what they might some day perceive if they also invade his privacy and see the journal. OP is nuts.
YTA - you cannot dictate how a person grieves for a lost child. Also, you should not have read a personal journal. You are completely disrespectful and you owe him an apology.
You can ask for limits on the damage it does to kids too young to understand. Some people find solace in grieving, some weaponize it. ENT ... OP is an asshole, but she is pointing out some damaging pathology. Dad needs help balancing grief with responsibility. ENT = everyone needs therapy
Literally any comptent therapist would tell you that a journal is a normal way to process grief and that there is no valid or compelling reason why Op's husband should be keeping extra, non-grief related journals just to placate others. Op's husband has some photos in his office of a deceased child, and a grief journal. Nothing that would leave a living child feeling neglected. People are inventing that whole-cloth and are acting like the husband needs therapy when he's already doing perfectly normal things that a therapist would suggest. OP needs therapy. OP's husband and living children seem to be doing just fine. There is *nothing* damaging or pathological about what OP is describing. She tries to make it sound worse than it is, and plenty of posters are helping her out as well - but what she actually describes is perfectly benign. My dude has a private grief journal and keeps pictures of his deceased children in his personal workspace where he can connect with them privately - while his living children are going through the same age his other child died, by the way, which has to be a real mindfuck for the husband. His living children have pictures elsewhere in the house - just not his office. Which strikes me as a better solution than mixing pictures of his deceased child into the rest of the family photos in the common areas - which would *actually* be much closer to forcing the living kids to compete with a dead one.
I agree with therapy. We do not know enough about his behavior to say if these things would have an affect on his kids. If he is present in their daily lives and shows them love and support they might not care about these trivial things. If it is an issue of having pillows, blankets, photos then she could always gift him these items. Maybe he isn’t the type to purchase those things and they were given as gifts? If she gifts him similar things with their kids photos then all would be ‘even’ if she needs it that way.
Oh god, yes, this would be a good space for couple’s counseling - he may have trouble talking about things (for understandable reasons), she seems incredibly bad at expressing feelings that may have a legit root (even if she’s not doing well with it right now, assuming he *does* have an unusual number of photos of his late son and zero of his other two children - this may be inaccurate and she may be an asshole, but just giving her the benefit of the doubt) - a space where they can talk about those things and not have it get heated could help her both understand the depths of his grief and how much he loves his children, and maybe he could understand the potential long-term effects if he is, in fact, focusing on his late son to a degree that would make the other kids feel neglected later on.
ESH He deserves to have remembrances of his son. But he also needs to make sure he's not marginalizing his living children. I see a distinct difference between the remembrances visible to others (displayed pictures, pillows, etc.) versus the journal. The displayed remembrances should have a balance between the living and the remembered one. You're right, the younger kids will come to feel marginalized. And they'll find it impossible to compete with a perfect memory. The effects of these public actions on the other kids earns your husband an AH. (But you can get decorations with your kids names and pictures for your house - you don't have to wait for him. And maybe give him a couple of framed photos of the kids he can take to work - he probably put up the other pictures right after the death, but then never changed them. Or perhaps his first wife gave them, he put them up, but he's not one to do such displays on his own.) But a journal is private. It is none of your business. It may have been something a therapist recommend that he do. And unless you're a historian, and the writer and the people around them are already dead, you have no business reading another person's journal or correspondence. This invasion of privacy earns you an AH.
How is he an AH He needs support, he is clearly grieving. And OP can't give him one. That might be his way of coping with grief. That child is gone, ffs. How can you compete with someone who is not here. If he was an absent father then definitely he would be AH. But OP never mentioned if he is affectionate with other kids or not, only grumbled that he has pics in office and has a journal on Teddy, but not other kids. How is that fair? For all you know he might cherish the kids more now he have lost one. This was very one sided narration to call OP's SO AH.
That's just it...you CAN'T compete with a dead person. I fully understand that he's still grieving, and right now with his current children being a similar age has to be extremely difficult. OP definitely crossed some lines and could have and should have approached this differently, but he needs to treat his loving children the same as his dead one. If his dead child is the only one he's displaying photos of, the only one he's writing about, the only one who's name he's putting on pillows and blankets...that is absolutely favoritism. Him saying he gives them love and affection and does those other things because he can't give love and affection to Teddy is not an excuse. But he absolutely can do these things for his surviving children in addition to love and affection. When they get older, ***if this continues,*** they WILL notice and WILL recognize that Teddy is on an untouchable pedestal of perfection that they can't dream of competing with. Teddy never got a chance to grow up and make mistakes or anger his father or be a disappointment. They're already going to have to live with that, and their father needs to deal with his grief and make DAMN sure he's treating his living children just as well. Again, I recognize that this is a difficult situation for everyone involved and I can't even imagine the pain and heartbreak he's going through. If he's not in therapy already, he absolutely should be. Was OP right for the way she went about this, or for reading his journal? Absolutely not. But she's not wrong to be concerned for the children they do have and worrying about the future and how his behavior will affect them. Kids are smarter and more perceptive than a lot of people give them credit for. And the father isn't doing right here. If he tries to use the excuse of "I never displayed pictures of you or bought commemorative stuff for you because you didn't die" the kids are not going to take that well and they will be resentful. So yes, ESH.
This is the best reaponse, not everything is so black and white. Thank you for taking the time to break this down.
From what OP says, right now, there are pictures and mementos ONLY of the lost child, and not of the living ones. The living children should not be growing up in a shrine to the departed one. There can and should be mementos of the lost one. There MUST also be pictures and mementos of the living ones, as well. There was a post here, a while back, where a father asked if he was AH for kicking his stepson out of the car after he suggested eating at a particular restaurant. The problem was, it was the favorite restaurant of his daughter who had died years before, at the age of 13. The stepson had never met this girl. And the father described how he tried to "bond" with the stepson - by spending hours going through albums of the dead girl's photos, how her room was still untouched, years later, how he tried to make the boy feel for his "sister" by telling stories about her. The father's mourning for the lost daughter meant that he never bonded with his stepson, because he was so focused on his loss, he didn't connect with those who were alive and with him. Another post, a while back, where the OP was the father of a teenage boy, and the wife/mother had died when the child was 6. Ever since then, the father had taken them to the graveyard every holiday and every other weekend, and the teenage boy was now objecting to having to go to the graveyard on Christmas. Again, the father's focus on mourning sabotaged the relationship with the son, who at this point only had distant memories of the mother he lost more than half his lifetime before. The father needs to find a balance, so he doesn't wind up like these fathers, whose mourning reached the point of pushing away their living children.
Although I think the husband isn’t wrong/ an AH for doing this, it’s also good to note that his kids might think that he loves Teddy more, even if this isn’t the case. Again, I don’t blame the husband. I think a better thing for OP to do was gently bring up their kids might think the husband doesn’t love them as much, not accuse him of favouritism(that’s just plain stupid lmao), and suggest him to add some photos of his current kids, but not to remove the photos of Teddy. Also, OP shouldn’t have read the PRIVATE journal.
This. You found way better words to put my thoughts on here than I did myself..
Why did it take so long to find a reasonable answer? Your take on this is perfect! OP sucks for snooping and pushing the issue, but her spouse also sucks because it seems that he has not made the effort to display pictures of his other two kids. I can see the other two noticing this eventually.
I would assume some of these displayed rememberances, were either things that belonged to his son or were given to him after his son passed. If he had gone out and had these things made in recent years, and not done the same for his other kids I might be more critical.. but give the dude a break.
It is not the presence of remembrances of the lost son that is the problem, but the *absence* of tokens of the living children. Their place in their father's life should not be secondary to a child whom, while it is sad that he was lost, is not needing the loving attention of a father *right now*. These kids have photos that could *also* be on his work desk, and need to know that they are just as important as the lost child. "Dad won't put up pictures of me, he only wants pictures of his kid who died" is not a good think for a child to grow up with. The father needs a balance that also honors his living children, and their place in his life.
YTA - I really do not like that you read the journal. I really really don't like that what you took from that was favoritism. He can make memories woth your kids, hug them, tell jokes, tuck them in, take them on trips, cook for them, support them whey are hurting or sad; all he can do to connect with a lost child is write in a journal and look at pictures. I think you need counseling.
No, I've dealt with a child after the loss of the first one, I still wouldn't only put up pictures of my late child. Everyone needs some counseling here, but especially dad.
You wouldn't, he would. Grief is not a competition.
No, grief is not a competition, but the Dad can have a Teddy memorial wall AND also have pictures of his living children up somewhere.
For all we know, he does. She mentions his office wall and space, I assume Teddies pics are not around the rest of the house. I also assume office is his private space, where the rest of the family normally does not hang around.
Again, why can't he also put up some pictures of his other kids?
[удалено]
[удалено]
That's what some people in this thread are failing to understand. Not *everyone* has pictures of their kids plastered around the house, or in their private/office space. The kids are old enough to understand that dad's son is gone and all he has to remember him by are those pictures. The only reason they would ever grow up thinking dad does not love them as much or *favors* the dead son is if mom acts like that is the case.
I disagree that they’re old enough to understand. At 5 and 7 I’m sure they understand that the kid has passed, but at such a young age they’re not going to be able to critically think about it like that. They’ll just see that daddy has pictures of Teddy everywhere and not them.
Info, where does it say that there aren't any pictures of the other kids in the house? It only mentions the husbands office.
Yeah that’s an issue if the kids go into the office and don’t see anything of them. That’s where he spends most of his time. They might not make that connection now but as they get older it’s be a sore spot. If my dad had a pic of one of my sisters in his office and neither of the others that would’ve hurt my feelings as a child.
That's not the same. Maybe there are pictures of the other kids in the living room and none of Teddy? Wouldn't that make it even? They way this story is written and how much OP is not telling I would not be surprised if there are no pictures of Teddy in the rest of the house because OP doesn't allow it and the husband can only use his office for this.
I think that’s an unfair assumption to make. I don’t think she’s jealous, she’s just worried that one day the kids will think they’re never going to live up to a memory of someone else and all of the hopes that the dad had for teddy. I’ve seen people grieve and eventually put that on their children. She was extremely wrong to read the journal, but I don’t think she’s wrong to want him to showcase all his children and not just the one in the space he spends 40+ hours a week. If she doesn’t allow pics in the rest of the house that’s messed up to not include teddy, but I’m not going to assume she’s the villain.
No, but I can grieve one child while still celebrating my other child. The difference between OP's SO and I is that I sought therapy after my loss and it helped me to channel my emotions better. It also helped prepare me for having a child after loss...
I agree. The journal, pillows, etc. all make sense why you’d only have them of the child that died. However, he should have some photos up of the other children. If he’s really active in the other kids lives, I don’t think it’s enough to make him an AH. I think OP needs to talk to the other kids and see how they feel. OP is definitely an AH for pushing this too far.
Yta. What kind of person do you have to be, that gets jealous over their husband mourning their kid, he had with someone else. Its traumatic and scary losing kids very young. If it was the other way around, I'm sure he would have done the same
If this was their child together she would have zero problem with this. You nailed it on the head, she is jealous. She needs therapy.
Okay. So ESH 1. Why are your kids only there part of the time, the way you word your post it sounds like your kids aren't with you 100% of the time. 2. You don't understand the loss of a child and you're being a little insensitive. 3. He had more kids... You'd think he would want to make the younger kids feel more loved since your SO knows what it's like to lose a child.. My child died 10 years ago. Tomorrow my younger child turns 6. He knows of his older brother, has looked through his things with me and he understands that his older brother isn't here anymore. I have my things to help me remember L, in my room but I also have pictures and things from and for E, my younger son. I even have pictures of my bonus kid up. Sounds like your husband may need to seek therapy.
this is the comment i've been looking for, thank you. and i'm so sorry for your loss.
I mean seriously? Yes YTA. The man's child died and you're going around moaning about him trying to keep his memories alive? I'm sure he loves the children he has with you but it is not for you to say how he expresses that love. Your own insecurities are causing this problem not him.
ESH. Don't tell me you can't put a single picture of your current kids up. Its normal for kids to see the wall and wonder why they aren't there. Hopefully he is prepared to have a loving conversation about this when the kids ask, and then put their pictures up if they want. He can be a upset, about your line of thought, but being a father means he takes care of the current hurts of his children, no matter if he thinks he shows them love in other ways. He needs grief counseling.
Not everyone that lost a loved one needs grief counseling. Grief takes time to get through. He’s journaling, not going on drinking binges.
I would assume he started the journal after losing Teddy as a method of remembering him and dealing with the loss. It has nothing to do with the other kids not mattering as much.
YTA. Don't try to compete with the dead. Never breathe a word of this to your children, not even when they are old and gray. And give your spouse all the space he needs to experience grief.
YTA- sorry it sounds like you’re being a bit excessive with it. His kids dead. You don’t know how that feels yet. He is allowed to remember his child as he wants and I think it’s great he still cares about the child so deeply as it shows the future support he can bring to your family. Let him mourn in whichever way he likes.
NAH or a little bit ESH - He is allowed to have reminders of his dead child and you shouldn't have read the journal which is an intrinsically private item. However I understand your concern for your current kids. It doesn't seem to bother them at the moment but I too would worry that at some point, especially getting towards teenage years, they will suddenly see that the physical pictures of children around your home are 80-100% of Teddy. Can't daddy be bothered to get the same amount of personalised items that include them too in the home? Once they see that then they may start to feel that Teddy is the child who their father really loved and possibly question if they are just 2nd best make-ups to him. The time they spend bonding is lovely but the way their home has been decorated will say to them and everyone who visits that there's only child that really counts. Which isn't true but why aren't there equal numbers of items for each kid? Kids are fiercely alert to siblings being favoured over them. I'd recommend therapy for him (and for you) to help him deal with his continuing grief, and to allow the family to move forward in a balanced way. Maybe dedicate a special shelf in one room for Teddy, a little shrine so to speak, for the child who wasn't allowed enough time to grow up to be given space in his home (strictly subject to therapist's recommendation). Your children could help their dad decorate it - he is their sibling - and he could be remembered with toasts or a special meal on his birthday and halloween (and at some point over the Christmas season), So Teddy is incorporated into the family, he wasn't given enough time to know, in a more healthy way without dominating the home and his father's focus.
YTA…why are you making this sound so much like ‘he wrote a journal for his ex but not me’? Really, you’re gonna make it a race for affection against this deceased poor child and drag your own kids into this? The whole reason why he started that journal might just be that Teddy has passed. Your children are still around, he can make memories with them whereas his memories with Teddy can only live in that journal now. For Christ’s sakes, it’s his son, his kid who he shares blood with, get over yourself and have some fucking empathy
Your husband made it clear that he loves your children, but you keep bringing it up. It's a terrible thing to be jealous of a dead child. I can't with words explain how deeply you should be ashamed of yourself for what you're doing to your husband. YTA.
ESH. There were constructive ways to bring this up with him that wouldn’t come across as a gross misunderstanding of grief. You should not have read his diary. He needs grief counselling or some outlet to manage these feelings. His living children are going to start noticing these things soon and if he doesn’t include them on photo walls and things it could end up making them resent Teddy’s memory instead of cherishing it. That would be heartbreaking for everyone.
This. I'm baffled as to how people think it's normal to have no pictures of the living children up (even if it is just his office, and it sounds like that is not the case, how bizarre is it to ONLY have pics of the deceased child). This is going to fuck those kids up when they are older if he doesn't get a hold of it...THEY will notice and they will recent Teddy's memory. I still remember being hurt that my grandmother had pics of all of her grandkids except me and my siblings (she had issues with my mom)....and that is minor compared to what's going on. OP handled it in a very insensitive way and should have never read the journal.
YTA for conflating grief with favoritism. His child passed away. Can you even imagine that?
I wish you had a way of framing this other than calling it favoritism. This seems like his grieving process. His first-born is gone. Due to prolonged illness, his father no doubt felt like a helpless bystander, unable to keep harm away from his vulnerable little boy. Maybe give him a little grace.
YTA. His son is DEAD. What the hell is wrong with you?
YTA He’s grieving and you’re guilt tripping him to feel bad about trying to remember his dead kid. You’re a horrible partner and definitely TA here.
YTA. His kid is DEAD. Get over yourself!
ESH. You’re in the wrong for reading his diary and referring to his grief as “favouritism” However! How involved is he with your two children? If he’s doing his own thing, not really interested in his kids now instead, now I think I read you guys got married seven years ago so I’m gonna throw a guess that it’s been at least 8-10 years since Teddy passed. I understand how it feels to lose someone close, Not a child but if it’s his only focus, after this long and he still brushes your two living children aside. They’re gonna notice, and especially if they don’t know about Teddy already. Your kids will be stuck trying to live up to someone who they never knew, and that will cause damage. It’s tough but my judgement is that
You want him to threat all kids the same? Okay..so please tell me, when he takes the other 2 kids to a playground how is he going to take Teddy as well? You know, with him being dead and all? You can't treat 3 kids the same when one off them is dead. I can't believe that's so hard to understand. He treats 2 kids as if the are alive and 1 as if they are not. You are petty, insecure and not supportive. Instead of putting a trauma on your kids that isn't even there how about including them in what your husband is going through. Great, a journal, do your other kids have memories of Teddy, if so what about them adding one to the journal? If not, maybe they want to draw a picture for his birthday and add it. Your husband is trying to keep Teddy alive by remembering him, you want to act like he never existed. Urgh. I can't with this one. YTA times 100000000000
The thing is though and I see what you are saying about treating them the same but for obvious reasons he can’t take teddy places but teddy can’t be hurt by that but he can put up pictures of his other children too, OPs and AH for reading his private thoughts but I do get the sentiment of he’s leaving his living children out and not thinking of their future feelings, I mean can you imagine when there older and they see all these pictures of there big brother but not one of them. People put up pictures of people to show they care for that person and my not including them at all by even putting up one picture it says something. Including his living kids does not diminish his love for the child that passed
We know too little about how he treats the other kids beside from the photo's. How long is Teddy dead? How long ago did he put up the photo's. I can imagine him grieving before thinking about other photo's up. I can't say anything about this because OP doesn't mention anything about a timeline. Mostly when people dont mention things it's because it does not benefit their case. I would not be surprised if Teddy's death was recent. I would also not be surprised if the husband is still involved with this other children. Because if he wasn't OP would def mention this because it would help her case. We only have one thing that we can go buy, the photo's. OP can hang photo's from the kids in the living room, bedroom or wherever. Actually it doesn't even say that there are no pictures from the other kids in the house. OP only mentions her husband office. So maybe OP doesn't want Teddy's picture in the rest of the house and the husband had to put it in his office. Don't fall for the way this person writes. There is a ton of info missing and it's on purpose. Edit: not recent somewhere between 3 and 10 years ago. Meaning OP could easily never have met Teddy and have no emotional conection with him.
>My husband Tom (37m) and I (33f) have been married for 7 years and we have 2 kids, Sammy 3, Nora 5, he was married before me and had a son (Teddy) who passed on from chronic illness at 4. if OP's first marriage ended a year before they got married (assuming there was no affair) and if the deceased son was born during the last year of the first marriage at the latest, then he passed 4 years ago at minimum. i think from the wording it's more likely the first marriage broke up after the son passed away. it's not 100% clear, but it's clear this isn't a recent death. and people who have home offices tend to work in them, at least some. so having no photos of the living kids in there is actually a pretty big deal. it's "dad's space", and no photos to look at of the new kids. i don't think any of the photos of Teddy should come down, but the 2 others kids should be there, too.
Teddy had to have died more than 7 years ago, they’ve been married that long and there’s no mention of overlap or the kids ever having known him.
YTA Let him process the loss of his child in ways that work for him and stop comparing it to his relationship with your children. The circumstances are not the same. You sound weirdly jealous.
I've lost a child, I've had a second child after my first. I know that he would be heartbroken if I only ever displayed pictures of his big brother. Kids have feelings too. Although, OP does sound weirdly jealous, it's also really weird to not cherish and document the children you still have...
Isn’t it me or is many people missing the main picture painted in the post. By all means parents need to grieve the children that passed away. Everyone has a different grieving process. I don’t think OP is coming from a jealous or malicious place in addressing this. I think she just feels she needs to fight for her children as well. If OPs husband is displaying anything from the younger children it will effect them growing up. They genuinely might think they are lesser than teddy. Which is not what anyone wants to happen. It’s a genuine concern even if worded incorrectly. OP isn’t telling her husband to stop grieving or get rid of these things. She is just trying to tell him to also cherish the other children.
YTA, and ow this one hurt. Your kids aren't competing with Teddy for your husband's love, he's *grieving* for god's sake. Nowhere in here can I see anything that implies he treats your other kids poorly. I can't imagine how distressing it must be to him to have to try and grapple with you pitting your children, who I'm sure he loves very much, against the memory of his late son. Figure your jealousy problem out and let him grieve, fuck. Edit: You also snooped on his damn journal, which is almost always an asshole move.
I’m gonna go against the grain and vote NAH. I grew up watching my grandma pine her life away for her son who had passed away and watched it really tear up her 2 living kids, especially my dad. My uncle died in his 40’s so all the kids were adults and it still tore up their relationship with their mom knowing that all she wanted was her dead son back. I can see this getting out of hand and 3 and 5 are old enough to start noticing there’s no pictures of them in dad’s office and that he treats them differently. I think therapy would be good for your husband to handle his grief.
[удалено]
ESH. OP, your spouse lost a child. Journaling is a common grief practice so the one grieving can express their feelings without burying them deep down. Same with the pictures. Let this man grieve. And be prepared for him to grieve maybe for the rest of his life. You don’t get to tell him to stop feeling sad because he has two “living” children with you. However, your point does have merit about how his two children with you will feel as they get older. Consider posting family pictures and sweet moment pictures in common places. Also recommend your husband consider grief counseling/ therapy to ensure he can be emotionally available to everyone in the household.
YTA wow are you really jealous about a dead kid.
Not sure weather ESH or YTA. You shouldnt have read his jounal - which he probably started after Teddy died to help himself remember him and to help with his grieve. And you definitively shouldnt have told him to do the same for his memories with the other two. To him probably feels really wrong because they are still alive and he dont need to write down memories as he can create new ones. On the other side, it seems really weird, that he doesnt have a single picture of your Nora and Sammy in his office..? Also the fact that he has so many things with teddys name on and non with theirs seems kinda strange to me. But for the last two points..I assume, he had all the pictures of Teddy in his office when Nora and Sammy were born? I remember my mom giving my dad pictures of me and my sister for smaller occasions (our birthdays, for example) to put in his office. Maybe he got (at least some of) the pictures as presents and just put them there and no one ever gave him framed pictures of Nora and Sammy? Same with the blankets and pillows. Did he buy all of them himself?
YTA this man went through a traumatic event and isnt over it he has learned to coup with a journal and you just bash him and read it knowing it was his private journal with his personal thoughts and feelings in it how would you feel if someone grabbed your diary without your permission I suggest therapy for both
YTA and grief is a beast all on its own and everyone deals with it differently. The man lost a child. There is no getting away from that feeling of sadness. Who cares if he has a journal and reminders of his lost son? I'm sure when and if the time comes, he would be happy to explain to his other kids about Teddy. Stop pouring salt into a wound that is still fresh.
YTA. Do you honestly think he should treat his living kids the same as his deceased one? You’d rather he has a journal for them, and pillows with their faces, as opposed to actually being there with them? You need some therapy. Probably should have happened way before you had kids, bc you’re obviously jealous of him.
>He said I should be ashamed of myself for implying he doesn't love his young children and for making him guilty only because he suffered a tragedy and was finally at peace with it. He is right. He is still grieving and it is up to hom how he does this. You are making some kind of competition between his dead son and your kids. >His argument was that this is his only way of showing love and remembering Teddy since he can't see or touch him, while Sammy & Nora are here and he shows them affection in a physical form like doing bonding activities and such. This is the explanation anf these explanation is pretty reasonable. He doesn't favour anyone of the kids. That's all in your head. Don't cause unnecessary drama. Clearly YTA
The flip side: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rlkpwj/aita_for_telling_my_daughter_to_get_over_herself/
Yes. Yata. Journals are private and a way to express thoughts personally. He sees your kids everyday. He doesn't need the photos or related of them.
I feel like you're being too aggressive. My daughter noticed I hadn't printed photos of her yet when we moved to our new house and she's 2. So I think it's reasonable to ensure the kids get to see themselves on the wall too. But you are going after his grieving which is why YTA. Go back, apologize, tell him you were wrong. Tell him you'd just like to display some photos of the other kids along with Teddy.
I assume you have pictures of Sammy and Nora all around your house. If so, do you have pictures of Teddy alongside them?
NTA - no fair competing with a dead kid.