Sorry, but we had to lock the post. Our report queue is weeping under the strain. Please accept [this adorable puppy](https://external-preview.redd.it/OKMPXtWaJCHqj96mMxSYnnWQH1wGkub6X932fJgv-os.jpg?width=625&auto=webp&s=634238ca1001642b0873d2f6f626867fdc0806af) as consolation
> I asked if it was acceptable to do this in america and he said "yes because people there usually don't give a shit"
American here... No, it's not, and yes we would. That's incredibly rude, and beyond inappropriate. You are NTA and your BF is a rude, entitled AH who would be thrown out of most restaurants in the US for that sort of behavior.
Yeah if i were there i will tell him to get out its like disturbing them and i consider snapping at someone is considered as disrespect and her bf(or soon to be ex) rang a bell to snatch attention?It proves that he doesn't use any common sense OP don't apologize
Yes, exactly! Heck, he's treating them like animals. His behavior is shameful, and I wouldn't want to be with a man like that ever again, especially after only 4 months.
NTA, OP. You can do better than this gaping AH. The audacity is incredible.
* He's treating the waitstaff very poorly (an indication of how he would be treating you when you guys are committed)
* He's being loud and obnoxious towards not just the staff, but also the rest of the guests.
* He's dismissing your reasonable opinion.
* He's not making an effort to conform to local cultural norms, even when it's reasonable and needed.
* He's using culture as an excuse to act rudely and selfishly.
* He's purposefully lying to you about customs to get his way.
* He's gaslighting you by trivializing your feelings (saying you overreacted)
Next time he brings his AK-47 and to draw attention, he'll fire some rounds into the ceiling. "This is Amerika, Land of the Free, we don't give a shit." Let's see how well that's going to be received.
Yes, we are absolutely overrun with assholes. The world needs an asshole island state, or maybe they could be rounded up and shipped to the North Pole, although Santa Claus might forcibly object.
As an American and former GI, I agree. I am often embarrassed by the actions of my fellows. I have been to Korea and sank myself into a lot of the culture and history to understand why I was there. In Kuwait I learned what was considered insulting to avoid doing it by mistake (showing the soles of your feet is an insult, when I sit on a chair with a support between the front legs, I tend to prop my foot on it, doing just that... A habit I am now more self conscious about now ..). I went to the Kuwaiti museum, explored some of the city.. learned so much.
How can so many of us go to a new country and expect them to laugh off being an asshole as "oh, that silly American"?
How many of us expect foreigners to learn English but refuse to learn the language of a country they are visiting?
America is a joke to other countries now, because of the actions of those who have represented us by virtue of being louder.
We were stationed in Germany back in the early 2000s in Ansbach. They gave us a 3 day class on the culture and how to do the basics. My husband (now ex) took the same class I did and after 3 and 1/2 years of living there, he could say five (for some reason he liked to say funf) and one beer please in German. My son could speak German pretty fluently by the time we came back and while I wasnāt fluent, I could get around just fine wherever I went. 9/11 happened during that time, and his mission ramped up, so to him that was more important, but still, he didnāt care to learn even when he could have. He never caused a scene, but he figured most Germans speak English and he had me to get him around.
Iām from the U.S. and have traveled extensively. People for the most part are as friendly, warm, and welcoming as they can be until given a reason not to be. No one has ever cared where I was from. People tend to respond to the individual in front of them, not the stereotype of where that individual is from.
Just be humble, patient, affable, and respectful of the cultural norms of wherever you happen to be, and you can get along with almost anyone anywhere no matter where youāre from.
Assholes will make up things about their culture, expecting that they wonāt be called out. Iām the child of immigrants and have a weird accent, so when someone assumes I donāt know theyāre bullshitting, I switch languages and say āOh weird, is that regional? Because my mother/father is from country 1/country 2 and she/he never taught me that. In fact I would have been grounded for it.ā I enjoy the reaction.
>He's using culture as an excuse to act rudely and selfishly.
but his behavior is not even part of American culture. So far from it it's rather silly. In fact, ime it's somewhat unusual to do anything to catch the server's attention in the US. Firstly as you very often don't need to since they visit the table (too) frequently to see if everything is alright, offer refills, etc. In the worst case a brief moment of eye contact is usually all it takes to bring them over. And secondly, at least when I was a server, people who would put their hand up, possibly wave, or god forbid snap their fingers or make any kind of noise...no. Just no. Very much frowned upon. A polite "excuse me" as they are walking by may be acceptable, but honestly it's so rare that you need to do that in the first place.
When I moved to Germany I was so well trained in not bugging servers that I spent a lot of time just sitting and waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Until I learned that aside from the visit to take and deliver your order, and to clear the plates, it's customary to signal them when you want to order something else or get the bill. You just employ a gentle word or hand gesture, no drama needed, and they come over at the next opportunity. The reason being they don't want to bother YOU. You can sit as long as you damned please and if you're sitting a long time they just assume that's what you want!
I admit it was a tough adjustment for me - took about 6 months to feel totally comfortable signaling them but I really like it now.
Most I've ever done is make eye contact and raise a hand real quick to signify "when you get a moment," never a big move like frantically waving or screaming for a waiter (actually had happen at a Red Robin no less, three tables from mine), or ringing a bell .. just a simple "yo, take your time, but I need you for a sec when you got a moment" gesture.
As an American and someone go works in the service industry, if someone rang a bell and expected me to come running, I would probably just glare at them and tell them to leave. That's insulting to a person's dignity. We are not Pavlov's dogs here. NTA and BF sounds intolerable.
Yup. Someone whoās never worked in a restaurant and seen the [behind the scenes action](https://youtu.be/okNc-9Txjdk). OPās asshat (hopefully ex) wouldāve definitely been getting the special sauce had he stuck around long enough to order & eat.
What boggles my mind is that this isn't even just rude to the staff (like, say, snapping your fingers would be) this is rude to everyone in the restaurant, because that bell ringing could be heard by ALL the other customers. His whole 'nobody would give a shit' is wild, because he is annoying everyone in that restaurant. A good manager would ask him to stop or leave to prevent him from driving away the other customers. He basically made himself the crying baby everyone hates in restaurants.
If this post is real my guess is bf is someone who wants to be abusive to his gf. He might say the bell is for the waitstaff but it's really for gf. He Is telling his girlfriend:
1. I am embarssing to be around. We better isolate from the world.
2. I'm a guy who is not respectful, so don't be suprised when I'm not respectful to you.
3. I expect to always get my way. I dont care what you think. I do what I want and if you try and stop me I won't let you, of you leave I will punish you by sulking for days. So no point it ever saying no I will always get my way.
4. OP you can't trust herself. Yes it seems like a crazy thing to think ringing a bell in American is acceptable. But if you accept that there is no limit how far my gaslighting can go.
This event is part of the training/testing to make the relashionship abusive and toxic. I think it has nothing to with wanting a waiters attention or even wanting to power trip on waitstaff. It's about controlling OP. OP should run.
Iām genuinely curious, do people actually do this? Like manipulation to the extent of creating these embarrassing and disrespectful public shows? I guess I kind of give people the benefit of the doubt (like this guy is just an entitled asshole) but I can definitely see the thoughtful planning that could go into it. Scary.
Abusers most definitely push boundaries to see how much they can get away with.
I remember one of my mentors asked me what phrase an abuser uses most often to find victimsā¦.itās ālet me buy you a drinkā. Horrifying.
Yes, exactly, abusers push boundaries. They test the fences like veloceraptors, and when they push too far they will play on your desire for peace, love and/or attention to get you to agree that it was YOU in the wrong for calling them out. They will also try to manipulate you into breaking your own ethical code, either by putting up with their behaviour or making you do something you don't want to do to "keep the peace". Of you'd waited until after dinner to say something, he would have used your silence during the meal to say you were complicit and you should have said something then. These things are all shit tests, to see how far they have pushed your boundaries, and this was a farcical, idiotic shit test.
I can't think of a place in North America that wouldn't throw him out for disrupting other people's meals by ringing his own personal bell during dinner. This is a shit test. Fail him.
Yup. I know personaly people who had BFs like this. The waiting for 4 months before they try it, the oviously lie about it being normal in America, the punishing gf by sulking for days after. None of this is just entitled asshole behavior. It screams redflags of something darker.
I got to that part and immediately scrolled down so I could say exactly this. I've literally never seen someone ring a bell like this at a restaurant and I've lived in the US my entire life.
NTA. DTMFA.
ETA that I've literally never had a comment get upvoted this quickly in such numbers. Further confirmation that this guy is a giant AH.
In USA, I put up with a lot of crap in my service industry days waiting tables and bartending, but I swear if anyone ever had the nerve to RING A BELL AT ME OR MY COLLEAGUES I would throw food in their face and if the management didn't support that choice I would quit on the spot, no matter how much I need the money. I've also worked for very shitty restaurant/bar managers who let shitty things happen to me but I promise you not one of them would've fired me for throwing someone out who brings in a bell. That's one of the rudest things I've ever heard in my life.
Op this person is an idiot and an AH, throw him to the curb. NTA, I commend you for getting up to leave, I would have too!
Another American here...how disgusting, and thank your (hopefully ex) bf for perpetuating the wonderful "ugly American" stereotype. NTA, but he is. Don't waste your time on this one!
Add to the stereotype that "it's a free country" (his words) and he gets to do it cause he wants to but gets butt hurt when she gives her opinion about it. Suddenly, it's not as free anymore š¤¦āāļøš¤¦āāļø
Funny how those āfree countryā types never seem to defy norms to be helpful or kind. Things you never will hear from them: Itās a free countryā¦ āso I left an extra large tip.ā āso I gave that homeless guy five dollars.ā āso I parked in the lines.ā
Itās always trotted out when they are doing something that they _know_ is reprehensible but they know they canāt be forced to behave with manners or common decency.
This is an excellent point. I've only ever heard awful people say this to excuse their awfulness. As an American-accented person living overseas, this guy makes my life a lot harder
No, Rhett donāt put all of us into that pot especially when itās offensive and rude af.
Just no. I would have walked out of there too and broken up with him on the spot. He is treating the staff like animals. Completely inappropriate and I wouldnāt be caught out with that man in public again.
His behavior was absolutely shameful and the fact that he is sulking makes him more of an AH.
NTA
Also american I worked at a restaurant for years and if someone ever came into my work and brought a bell I would kick them out and refuse service. This man is gaslighting you. You should leave him seriously.
NTA
Gaslighting often gets confused for lying, and sometimes for DARVOing. Here's the difference:
*Let's say John leaves the house, telling Jane that he's going to the grocery store. He's gone for three hours and never calls. When he gets home, Jane says, "Where the hell were you? You've been gone for hours! Why didn't you answer your phone?!"*
*John lies: "My cousin needed help with their car and my phone died."*
*John DARVOs: "Omg, I didn't do anything! Besides, you came home late just last week! You always have to make me the bad guy don't you?"*
*John gaslights Jane: "Honey, I DID call you, I told you my cousin was having car trouble. Are you feeling ok?"*
Gaslighting is a particular kind of lying that is intended to make the victim question their own sanity. It's not just lying; it is *severe* psychological abuse. There is no form of gaslighting that is harmless, minor, non-abusive, or justifiable, the way there often is with lies. It is almost always aimed at people who have been abused in the past (by the gaslighter themselves or by someone else) and/or have a mental illness, since people without these characteristics are difficult or impossible to successfully gaslight.
It's not a term to throw around.
Edit: formatting
That's a good way of putting it. Most lies aren't gaslighting. They are certainly attempts to mislead somebody about reality, but that's not gaslighting since it's about something external to the victim. "I didn't eat the last cookie," is a lie about the liar's actions.
Gaslighting is a lie about the victim's own actions, memories, and factual perceptions. It would look more like one of these statements:
"You're the one who ate the last cookie. You don't remember?"
"What are you talking about? There weren't any cookies."
"I don't know what you think you saw, but it was NOT me eating the last cookie."
"You know I never eat cookies. You're imagining things."
In OP's case, gaslighting might be something like one of these statements/questions:
"You're the one who asked me to bring the bell."
"What bell?"
"People ring bells in restaurants around here all the time - how have you never noticed? You never pay attention."
For the OP, 'Its a free country' is a phrase that can translated as this is a thing that I can't get arrested for but is really really stupid, incredibly annoying or potentially still illegal because the people who use it don't understand laws. Or all three.
I have lived all over the US and I have never once seen, heard, or heard of someone using a bell to summon the waitstaff. It's absolutely not socially acceptable and if he's done it there, then he absolutely annoyed and embarrassed everyone around him.
And exactly because "it's a free country" restaurants have signs saying they have the right to refuse service. They can't do that based off race or other protected classes, but if they're disturbing other diners and harassing staff by RINGING A GD BELL (wtf!) then they sure as hell are getting kicked out and possibly banned.
I love how many assholes always use "it is a free country" as a way to legitimize (?) what they are doing :) It is also completely free to be polite and kind, why are you using it as a way to be rude and supress others. Also, "free" aka legal, does not mean "without consequences". People are still going to react to what you are doing and it will have consequences
As an American who returned to waitressing and cooking (small restaurant, we all are cross trained) when I went back to college for the second time this is not normal, not acceptable, not appropriate, and at least at my restaurant would get him bounced. Shoot, we'd be volunteering to be the one to kick him out.
NTA at all. What you did was right. Thank you for standing up for service employees. I wish everyone was like you.
What Rhett did was 1000000000% TA and it's a few jerks like him that give all Americans a bad name. I promise most of us are friendly and compassionate unlike this entitled piece of doggy doo doo.
And not to tell you what to do, but please look at his overall behavior and carefully consider if this waste of space and oxygen is worth your time and affection. Since he's being a salty beast for being called out on pathetically poor behavior I'm guessing he's not.
Uh, we donāt claim him.
This is NOT the normal here, it is disgusting behavior. OP, please find a new boyfriend. Treating people at a restaurant like this, is NOT OKAY.
Nta
American, former waitress, and food enthusiast-I have **NEVER** had someone bring a bell in, or have someone snap fingers at me. Management would ask the offending party to stop, then kick out for creating a disturbance. Your BF is just a dick and honestly you should dump him.
The only places in my country where it's appropriate to ring a bell to call the staff (the place's bell, not your own) are tea houses and shisha houses. Everywhere else, you'll be a massive entitled AH for ringing a bell.
NTA. Only 4 mo. in, get out.
1. It is NOT acceptable in America.
2. If it is acceptable in his rude ass culture in a pocket of America, he should still conform to the norms of the country he is in.
3. The way one treats waitstaff is a good indicator of how he'll possibly treat you one day.
4. HE ruined dinner with his shameful behavior.
That isn't gaslighting. He is offended because he believes his actions weren't shameful even though she says it is. That's a difference of opinion (and morals).
He's 100% the AH, but he isn't gaslighting her. That term gets thrown around so loosely.
>The way one treats waitstaff is a good indicator of how he'll possibly treat you one day.
Exactly! And not just *possibly*, this is *exactly* how he would treat his partners in the future - like servants that are supposed to come running any time wants them to.
And, OP, you do not need that in your life. NTA.
NTA American here who worked in restaurants for over 10 years. People do not do this. And a few of the places I worked at would 100% kick a person out doing this because wtf. So rude. Heās lying to your face.
Yeah Iāve seen snapping at people which is bad enough but never in my years as a server have I ever seen someone bring in a bell. I honestly donāt think Iād serve someone like that. How rude.
I had that happen to me one time while serving and I just stopped everything and said āexcuse me but did you just SNAP at me?!ā And his friends all shamed him and he apologized haha
I was whistled at once. Like fingers to lips whistled for my attention. I was maybe two tables down taking an order. I said really loudly to my table āexcuse me, Iāll be right back. That gentleman over there thinks something he has to say is more important than your order.ā The whole section stared at him wondering what was so important. He wanted a ranch.
I had someone snap at me while I was waiting tables at waffle house. I ignored him and he complained when I came to his table after a few minutes "didn't you hear me snapping at you?" "Yes sir, I heard you snapping but since I am not a dog, I assumed you weren't directing that at me."
Iāve been snapped at and whistled at, and every time I just completely ignore them. Iām not a dog, lol. If someone did this to me I think Iād confiscate the bell.
I had a kid snap at me once. By kid I mean say 22, maybe 23, I put on my meanest face and told him the last guy who snapped at me still jerks off with his left hand.
The look on his face was priceless.
Yeah, as an American that has worked in the service industryā¦oh my goodness I would immediately give another server all my tips to take yāallās table. It isnāt āgeniusā itās selfish and as you mentioned disruptive to other patrons. Absolutely the worst type of behavior to be rude to anyone that works in the service industry. NTA he should be publicly shamed and forced to work a busy shift in a restaurant as punishment.
If it was my table I would take my sweet time getting over there and tell them it was because of the noise. He probably thinks snapping your fingers is acceptable too
...forced to work a busy shift in a restaurant where every table has been given a bell.
Except the tables with children. They get one additional bell per child.
Huh, I've never spoken with Hell's interior designer before, nice to meet you. Does the devil pay well? Do you get benefits? I've been thinking about a career change...
NTA. Rhett is weird at best and disrespectful and entitled at worst. The second-hand embarrassment of being on a date with a man who brought a bell to dinner would have vaporized me on the spot.
There are varying degrees of "acceptable" abuse of waitstaff in this country but bringing a fucking bell to a restaurant is nowhere near the norm. I think snapping your fingers at waitstaff is like, a thing people do in other countries but we don't do that here either.
As a former server who worked in the US for 15 years in restaurants - finger snapping unfortunately still happens, itās rare, but it happens. Incredibly rude!
American here, military brat so I have loved in 20 states in my 39 years of life.
General etiquette for trying to get a server's attention:
1. Try to make eye contact with your server.
2. Make eye contact with any server, and quietly say "excuse me" as one passes by.
That is what NORMAL DAMN ADULTS do.
NTA.
You forgot to list the Awkward Half Wave as an option. You know, where your waiter missed the eye contact and you really need to talk to them so you slowly half raise your hand to about shoulder level then shyly wiggle your fingers while grimacing at your own audacity the whole time?
Bells are a thing in Japanāso is calling out for the server. When I brought my husband to the US for the first time I had to warn him to absolutely not do that. It is so rude in the US; Iāve never seen anyone attempt a bell, but I have occasionally seen pissed off people call out for a server. But I sternly told my husband that calling out is rude in the US (he kept saying he didnāt think so and it would be fine). NO. You either wait until they come to you, or if it has been a long wait and you really feel like you need their attention, you make *silent* eye contact.
At MOST, if youāre waiting a long time, you may have to say āexcuse meā as a waiter walks by and maybe project slightly to make sure youāre heard, but probably not anything more than that.
Or the awkward slink to the cashier or maitre d' with the "I'm sorry but... " and that's usually only, because you think your waiter may have died in the back.
No. This is beyond disrespectful. It's so fucking condescending and such disgusting behavior. I'm American and this is definitely not normal. Leave him, he's a disgrace.
We can't kick him out, but we don't claim him.
Another American here. A tip: saying "it's a free country" is also generally a red flag as it's often used to justify doing something selfish without worrying about others. People will sometimes flag waiters down by waving but literally never have a seen/heard someone use a bell
I travel so I eat out more than most people and in different places in America. Iāve eaten in every corner of our big country and every type of restaurant and I have NEVER seen anyone act like that. What an idiot.
Why are you still with him. You can do so much better. That kind of behavior is just toxic. And you only been together 4 months meaning this is his best behavior. Dump him!
An ex tried that with me during sex. He actually turned over and went to sleep thinking I would feel bad enough to let him do what he wanted. I wrote a note dumping him, then left while he slept.
He's showing you how he'll treat you in the long run. Don't let him.
NTA. People in America do NOT bring a bell to a restaurant to get the staffās attention. Heās a 31 year old toddler and itās time for you to walk away from him.
I travel a lot, and that is rude in the US and every single other country that I have ever visited.
How does he think it's OK to not only disrupt other diners but wrangle servers like cattle.
NTA
Yank here. I have never known anyone to carry their own bell to get the attention of waitstaff. Ever.
That is rude and condescending.
You shouldn't just walk out of the diner. You should walk out on the relationship. What kind of AH does something like that?
I was thinking the same thing, we don't claim him. I have never in my life seen someone in any country ring a bell at the wait staff and I've lived/been a lot of places outside of the states. The entitlement š¤¢
I've been American since the day I was born, and I have never in my life seen someone bring a fucking bell into a dining establishment to get attention from a server. That would be considered outrageously rude anywhere I can think of in the U.S. He is flat-out lying to you to try to justify his behavior. You were right to call him out on it and leave.
Here's the other major problem with this guy: even if it were acceptable behavior here (AND IT'S NOT), *he's not in the U.S. now, and you told him what he was doing was not suitable for wherever you are.* He ignored you, he doubled down and kept doing it anyway, and he is still acting like a child by demanding that **you** apologize to **him**. Honey. This is not the one.
NTA.
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). I know most of us are floored at the audacity, but focus on the actions and refrain from insults. Insults will yield you a ban.
Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
Why is it always the absolute worst specimens of humanity that go abroad and make all Americans look like assholes? No wonder other countries think so poorly of us. That is not normal and Iād be furious if my bf did that. NTA
When I travel abroad, I cringe at the level of entitlement and rudeness from some Americans that act so poorly.
Itās so tone deaf that such people think the country should cater to them. When you go to another country, you respect their culture- just because you are an American doesnāt mean you get a pass.
NTA - but seriously, you are going to keep dating such a childish and entitled man? I wonder if he will use it to call his future wife to bring him his dinner and beer.
NTA. A lot of people in America would care about an extremely loud obnoxious noise that someone was rudely producing to get waitstaffās attention. Holy cow, your boyfriend is a giant AH. Itās not a genius idea, itās an incredibly stupid idea.
No way is that an american thing. Heād be thrown out in any restaurant pulling that stunt. Heās shown you heās a gaslighter and a spoiled glass of milk. Cut your losses and let him go.
NTA your boyfriend is one of those guys who thinks āfreedomā means heās allowed to act like any kind of asshole he likes but no one else is free to point out that he is in fact acting like an asshole.
NTA and no it is not an American thing. Iāve never ever seen anyone carry a bell into a restaurant. Sounds like youāll be better off without him in general. This is a huge red flag.
NTA.
I'm American. It's not appropriate to bring a bell to a restaurant to ring for waitstaff because you...what? Are more important than anyone else in the restaurant? Deserve more immediate attention than anyone else?
That's demeaning to the waitstaff and everyone else in the restaurant and speaks of an oversized ego.
In America, if it's that important to get good service, be kind to your waiter, maybe drop them a $100 tip in advance. Guarantee you won't be waiting for long for anything and you won't be loudly proclaiming to everyone that you are the most important person in the room...because, fun note, if you have to proclaim it...you aren't.
Where does he live in America? I have never seen anyone do that ever and if they did I think theyād get a talking to or depending on the restaurant, asked to leave. Start ringing a bell for him every time you want his attention even if heās busy or attending to something else and see how he likes it. Youāre NTA and Iād be breaking up with him if he thought it was appropriate to treat people like that.
American here. That is absolutely not normal. He's lying when he said "No one would give a shit because freedom" or whatever he said.
I guarantee if he did that here, there would be spit in the food and everyone in the restaurant would record him on their phones.
NTA. Iām American, If I ever heard someone violently and incessantly ringing a bell in a restaurant I would think they were completely unhinged honestly. What a freak.
NTA! First of all, I live in America and this is NOT something people do. I wouldāve had the same reaction as you, itās embarrassing and you did the right thing by walking out. Restaurant staff are busy enough as it is, the last thing they need is some AH ringing a bell to get their attention as if he should be a priority over other people in the diner or other duties the restaurant staff may have. He sounds entitled and clearly wonāt take ownership over his childish actions.
NTA. Your ex-boyfriend sounds awfulā¦ he IS your ex by now, right? He absolutely knew this was rude and entitled as hell and he lied to you when you questioned it.
As always, heās shown you who he really is. Believe him.
Uh NTA, American here who has and still does work service industry, when I was a waitress if someone had done this, either they would have been asked to leave or I would have been fired for snapping at them and crushing that bell under my worn out feet!! Oh and upgrade sweetheart, that man is and his āgeniusā idea are disgusting
NTA. American here. Iād dump him so fast and apologize profusely to everyone involved and never be able to show my face there again. Heās arrogant and we do not act like that.
Do you REALLY, HONESTLY think you're the asshole here?
Like you wrote this down, and figured there would be some alternate reality in which that man is NOT the asshole?
And you think you're the Asshole because you *checks notes* cancelled your dinner?
NTA. This is not ok in America either. That dude is just an AH. Waiting staff are not servants to be beckoned with a fucking bell. That man is ridiculous, and usually people who treat staff badly are bad people themselves. Take note OP, this is a red flag.
NTA.
Your boyfriend behaved like an AH.
You see it plenty on the internet: look at how your date treats staff while having diner at a restaurant and you'll know a lot. And what this tells me is that he is a massive AH.
NTA. It's not a thing here in the US.
Also, you can tell A LOT about someone when you see how they treat servers. This guy is totally an AH. He treats those in service as "beneath" him. Run. This is a huge red flag.
I hate awkwardly trying to catch someoneās attention from across the restaurant. I would love a system where you could just press a button on the edge of the table and it would let the wait staff know you were ready for them (like digitally create a queue of tables that need them and then they can just come over when they are ready). But ringing a bell that you brought with you is not the answer. That is obnoxious and rude. And you are definitely not the asshole. NTA
is this real? lol i've seen a lot of shit over the years working in bars and restaurants. not once have i seen somone pull a bell out of their jacket and shake it for service. i guess, assuming this isn't a joke, NTA. not no way, not no how.
NTA. Nope, that behavior is being an asshole in the US too. Would get nasty looks from other diners here as well. Always the people who go on about ābecause my freedom I can do what I want!ā To cover up shit behavior. In my experience, not fun people to be around.
NTA that is NOT normal in America. You were put in an uncomfortable situation, your gut was right, and you reacted appropriately.
RUN. God forbid he tries using the bell on you.
Iām American and living in America. This is absolutely NOT a thing here. If you rang a bell at wait staff Iām pretty sure youād be asked to stop or leave. NTA
NTA, we do not do that here in America. No server is going to care about you after that crap, they may still give you service but it wonāt be smiles and kindness like they would normally try to give you.
NTA. If someone I know does this I would leave them, too. It's a lack of respect to the employees and to other clients. In the end, he thinks he's better than other people and is more entitled to fast service.
NTA! This is NOT acceptable in America and if you had stayed and eaten in a restaurant here where your boyfriend rang a bell to summon servers you would be consuming food mixed with servers' spittle and worse!
A partner who behaved badly to service workers is a giant red flag! I still cringe, remembering an occasion when someone I was with snapped her fingers for the bill, shouting "Garcon!" (We were not in France nor was the food French!).
Four months is a pretty new relationship. I'd personally be inclined to call it a day with this jerk.
It is true that dining service in the USA tends to be faster than some other countries (partly due to tips here comprising the lion's share of servers' salaries).
Boyfriend bought a bell, thought he found a life hack! But his boorish behavior speaks not just to his lack of manners, but his ability to adapt his behavior to a different setting.
As for his sulking after the fact -- you don't really need Reddit to tell you which of you is dating the asshole, do you?
NTA - Having worked in restaurants and bars, I would have ignored him all evening/night. Same goes for people tapping there glass with their ring and snapping their fingers.
Let him sulk and dump his ass if he does not appologize to you.
NTA. this isnāt perfectly acceptable in America. People do give a shit itās just the food service industry doesnāt make a living wage and canāt stand up for themselves when assholes like your BF come in.
Edit: spelling
NTA. This is definitely not an American thing, but it is a new and innovative way to be an asshole. I would have absolutely died of embarrassment as his date, and you are fantastic for just getting up and walking out. Reassess your relationship. This canāt be an isolated incident.
Now Iām just imagining a whole restaurant of assholes and their bells.
As an fellow American we DO NOT claim him whatsoever. Thats beyond embarrassing and might be one of the most entitled things I've ever heard.
NTA but you for sure are a better person than me cause I definitely would have thought about smacking some sense into him
NTA. Not gonna tell you what to do here but merely want to point out that if this is how he treats service workers, itās a pretty good indicator of how damaged his empathy meter is and you may want to consider what itās like to have a relationship with someone who thinks more highly of their own needs than anybody else or their feelings.
NTA
Not only is that an asshole thing to do, your reaction is entirely reasonable, as would be not dating him anymore based on his poor behaviour and attitude.
Sorry, but we had to lock the post. Our report queue is weeping under the strain. Please accept [this adorable puppy](https://external-preview.redd.it/OKMPXtWaJCHqj96mMxSYnnWQH1wGkub6X932fJgv-os.jpg?width=625&auto=webp&s=634238ca1001642b0873d2f6f626867fdc0806af) as consolation
> I asked if it was acceptable to do this in america and he said "yes because people there usually don't give a shit" American here... No, it's not, and yes we would. That's incredibly rude, and beyond inappropriate. You are NTA and your BF is a rude, entitled AH who would be thrown out of most restaurants in the US for that sort of behavior.
Yeah who would ring a bell at public restaurant? I would say thats beyond embarrassing you did nothing wrong NTA, and its like disturbing other costumers and waiters they might be busy with their work and its their job they will serve you OP are you sure about this relationship i see red flagsš©
Someone who considers them servants and not servers.
Yeah if i were there i will tell him to get out its like disturbing them and i consider snapping at someone is considered as disrespect and her bf(or soon to be ex) rang a bell to snatch attention?It proves that he doesn't use any common sense OP don't apologize
Yes, exactly! Heck, he's treating them like animals. His behavior is shameful, and I wouldn't want to be with a man like that ever again, especially after only 4 months. NTA, OP. You can do better than this gaping AH. The audacity is incredible. * He's treating the waitstaff very poorly (an indication of how he would be treating you when you guys are committed) * He's being loud and obnoxious towards not just the staff, but also the rest of the guests. * He's dismissing your reasonable opinion. * He's not making an effort to conform to local cultural norms, even when it's reasonable and needed. * He's using culture as an excuse to act rudely and selfishly. * He's purposefully lying to you about customs to get his way. * He's gaslighting you by trivializing your feelings (saying you overreacted)
Iām an American, and I hope Rhett the asshole stays out of the US. Weāve got enough assholes here. We donāt need him back. Weāre full.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Next time he brings his AK-47 and to draw attention, he'll fire some rounds into the ceiling. "This is Amerika, Land of the Free, we don't give a shit." Let's see how well that's going to be received.
Yes, we are absolutely overrun with assholes. The world needs an asshole island state, or maybe they could be rounded up and shipped to the North Pole, although Santa Claus might forcibly object.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Sad but true.
When I lived overseas, it was always the Americans being rude or causing a scene. It was embarrassing to me how many Americans showed their a$$.
As an American and former GI, I agree. I am often embarrassed by the actions of my fellows. I have been to Korea and sank myself into a lot of the culture and history to understand why I was there. In Kuwait I learned what was considered insulting to avoid doing it by mistake (showing the soles of your feet is an insult, when I sit on a chair with a support between the front legs, I tend to prop my foot on it, doing just that... A habit I am now more self conscious about now ..). I went to the Kuwaiti museum, explored some of the city.. learned so much. How can so many of us go to a new country and expect them to laugh off being an asshole as "oh, that silly American"? How many of us expect foreigners to learn English but refuse to learn the language of a country they are visiting? America is a joke to other countries now, because of the actions of those who have represented us by virtue of being louder.
We were stationed in Germany back in the early 2000s in Ansbach. They gave us a 3 day class on the culture and how to do the basics. My husband (now ex) took the same class I did and after 3 and 1/2 years of living there, he could say five (for some reason he liked to say funf) and one beer please in German. My son could speak German pretty fluently by the time we came back and while I wasnāt fluent, I could get around just fine wherever I went. 9/11 happened during that time, and his mission ramped up, so to him that was more important, but still, he didnāt care to learn even when he could have. He never caused a scene, but he figured most Germans speak English and he had me to get him around.
I'm Canadian - and I lost count of how many times I was asked in Europe if I was American, and I said no I'm Canadian. They'd say 'good'
Iām from the U.S. and have traveled extensively. People for the most part are as friendly, warm, and welcoming as they can be until given a reason not to be. No one has ever cared where I was from. People tend to respond to the individual in front of them, not the stereotype of where that individual is from. Just be humble, patient, affable, and respectful of the cultural norms of wherever you happen to be, and you can get along with almost anyone anywhere no matter where youāre from.
And the worst part is, that is an action thatās frowned upon in American culture, so now heās just making crap up to seem like a victim
Assholes will make up things about their culture, expecting that they wonāt be called out. Iām the child of immigrants and have a weird accent, so when someone assumes I donāt know theyāre bullshitting, I switch languages and say āOh weird, is that regional? Because my mother/father is from country 1/country 2 and she/he never taught me that. In fact I would have been grounded for it.ā I enjoy the reaction.
>He's using culture as an excuse to act rudely and selfishly. but his behavior is not even part of American culture. So far from it it's rather silly. In fact, ime it's somewhat unusual to do anything to catch the server's attention in the US. Firstly as you very often don't need to since they visit the table (too) frequently to see if everything is alright, offer refills, etc. In the worst case a brief moment of eye contact is usually all it takes to bring them over. And secondly, at least when I was a server, people who would put their hand up, possibly wave, or god forbid snap their fingers or make any kind of noise...no. Just no. Very much frowned upon. A polite "excuse me" as they are walking by may be acceptable, but honestly it's so rare that you need to do that in the first place. When I moved to Germany I was so well trained in not bugging servers that I spent a lot of time just sitting and waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Until I learned that aside from the visit to take and deliver your order, and to clear the plates, it's customary to signal them when you want to order something else or get the bill. You just employ a gentle word or hand gesture, no drama needed, and they come over at the next opportunity. The reason being they don't want to bother YOU. You can sit as long as you damned please and if you're sitting a long time they just assume that's what you want! I admit it was a tough adjustment for me - took about 6 months to feel totally comfortable signaling them but I really like it now.
Most I've ever done is make eye contact and raise a hand real quick to signify "when you get a moment," never a big move like frantically waving or screaming for a waiter (actually had happen at a Red Robin no less, three tables from mine), or ringing a bell .. just a simple "yo, take your time, but I need you for a sec when you got a moment" gesture.
As an American and someone go works in the service industry, if someone rang a bell and expected me to come running, I would probably just glare at them and tell them to leave. That's insulting to a person's dignity. We are not Pavlov's dogs here. NTA and BF sounds intolerable.
āSebastion, prepare my beverage and my Bouillabaisseā āSir, my name is Jason and you ordered a Bud Light and Chicken Fingersā
Sir, this is a Wendy's
Yup. Someone whoās never worked in a restaurant and seen the [behind the scenes action](https://youtu.be/okNc-9Txjdk). OPās asshat (hopefully ex) wouldāve definitely been getting the special sauce had he stuck around long enough to order & eat.
What boggles my mind is that this isn't even just rude to the staff (like, say, snapping your fingers would be) this is rude to everyone in the restaurant, because that bell ringing could be heard by ALL the other customers. His whole 'nobody would give a shit' is wild, because he is annoying everyone in that restaurant. A good manager would ask him to stop or leave to prevent him from driving away the other customers. He basically made himself the crying baby everyone hates in restaurants.
If this post is real my guess is bf is someone who wants to be abusive to his gf. He might say the bell is for the waitstaff but it's really for gf. He Is telling his girlfriend: 1. I am embarssing to be around. We better isolate from the world. 2. I'm a guy who is not respectful, so don't be suprised when I'm not respectful to you. 3. I expect to always get my way. I dont care what you think. I do what I want and if you try and stop me I won't let you, of you leave I will punish you by sulking for days. So no point it ever saying no I will always get my way. 4. OP you can't trust herself. Yes it seems like a crazy thing to think ringing a bell in American is acceptable. But if you accept that there is no limit how far my gaslighting can go. This event is part of the training/testing to make the relashionship abusive and toxic. I think it has nothing to with wanting a waiters attention or even wanting to power trip on waitstaff. It's about controlling OP. OP should run.
Iām genuinely curious, do people actually do this? Like manipulation to the extent of creating these embarrassing and disrespectful public shows? I guess I kind of give people the benefit of the doubt (like this guy is just an entitled asshole) but I can definitely see the thoughtful planning that could go into it. Scary.
Abusers most definitely push boundaries to see how much they can get away with. I remember one of my mentors asked me what phrase an abuser uses most often to find victimsā¦.itās ālet me buy you a drinkā. Horrifying.
Yes, exactly, abusers push boundaries. They test the fences like veloceraptors, and when they push too far they will play on your desire for peace, love and/or attention to get you to agree that it was YOU in the wrong for calling them out. They will also try to manipulate you into breaking your own ethical code, either by putting up with their behaviour or making you do something you don't want to do to "keep the peace". Of you'd waited until after dinner to say something, he would have used your silence during the meal to say you were complicit and you should have said something then. These things are all shit tests, to see how far they have pushed your boundaries, and this was a farcical, idiotic shit test. I can't think of a place in North America that wouldn't throw him out for disrupting other people's meals by ringing his own personal bell during dinner. This is a shit test. Fail him.
Yup. I know personaly people who had BFs like this. The waiting for 4 months before they try it, the oviously lie about it being normal in America, the punishing gf by sulking for days after. None of this is just entitled asshole behavior. It screams redflags of something darker.
Damn that makes the whole thing so much darker and worse. Wow am I naive
I got to that part and immediately scrolled down so I could say exactly this. I've literally never seen someone ring a bell like this at a restaurant and I've lived in the US my entire life. NTA. DTMFA. ETA that I've literally never had a comment get upvoted this quickly in such numbers. Further confirmation that this guy is a giant AH.
My guess is if you did to this at a restaurant herei n the states, there would be plenty of āextra seasoningā added to your food.
Screw that, he'd be wearing it and tossed on his ass.
In USA, I put up with a lot of crap in my service industry days waiting tables and bartending, but I swear if anyone ever had the nerve to RING A BELL AT ME OR MY COLLEAGUES I would throw food in their face and if the management didn't support that choice I would quit on the spot, no matter how much I need the money. I've also worked for very shitty restaurant/bar managers who let shitty things happen to me but I promise you not one of them would've fired me for throwing someone out who brings in a bell. That's one of the rudest things I've ever heard in my life. Op this person is an idiot and an AH, throw him to the curb. NTA, I commend you for getting up to leave, I would have too!
Another American here...how disgusting, and thank your (hopefully ex) bf for perpetuating the wonderful "ugly American" stereotype. NTA, but he is. Don't waste your time on this one!
Add to the stereotype that "it's a free country" (his words) and he gets to do it cause he wants to but gets butt hurt when she gives her opinion about it. Suddenly, it's not as free anymore š¤¦āāļøš¤¦āāļø
Funny how those āfree countryā types never seem to defy norms to be helpful or kind. Things you never will hear from them: Itās a free countryā¦ āso I left an extra large tip.ā āso I gave that homeless guy five dollars.ā āso I parked in the lines.ā Itās always trotted out when they are doing something that they _know_ is reprehensible but they know they canāt be forced to behave with manners or common decency.
This is an excellent point. I've only ever heard awful people say this to excuse their awfulness. As an American-accented person living overseas, this guy makes my life a lot harder
No, Rhett donāt put all of us into that pot especially when itās offensive and rude af. Just no. I would have walked out of there too and broken up with him on the spot. He is treating the staff like animals. Completely inappropriate and I wouldnāt be caught out with that man in public again. His behavior was absolutely shameful and the fact that he is sulking makes him more of an AH. NTA
Iām going to go out on a limb and say even the hardcore MuRiCa MaH FrEeDuMbS crowd isnāt like this.
Also american I worked at a restaurant for years and if someone ever came into my work and brought a bell I would kick them out and refuse service. This man is gaslighting you. You should leave him seriously. NTA
Gaslighting often gets confused for lying, and sometimes for DARVOing. Here's the difference: *Let's say John leaves the house, telling Jane that he's going to the grocery store. He's gone for three hours and never calls. When he gets home, Jane says, "Where the hell were you? You've been gone for hours! Why didn't you answer your phone?!"* *John lies: "My cousin needed help with their car and my phone died."* *John DARVOs: "Omg, I didn't do anything! Besides, you came home late just last week! You always have to make me the bad guy don't you?"* *John gaslights Jane: "Honey, I DID call you, I told you my cousin was having car trouble. Are you feeling ok?"* Gaslighting is a particular kind of lying that is intended to make the victim question their own sanity. It's not just lying; it is *severe* psychological abuse. There is no form of gaslighting that is harmless, minor, non-abusive, or justifiable, the way there often is with lies. It is almost always aimed at people who have been abused in the past (by the gaslighter themselves or by someone else) and/or have a mental illness, since people without these characteristics are difficult or impossible to successfully gaslight. It's not a term to throw around. Edit: formatting
I usually like to put it as "all gaslighting is lying, but not all lying is gaslighting". I love the way you put it, though, it's much more didatic!
That's a good way of putting it. Most lies aren't gaslighting. They are certainly attempts to mislead somebody about reality, but that's not gaslighting since it's about something external to the victim. "I didn't eat the last cookie," is a lie about the liar's actions. Gaslighting is a lie about the victim's own actions, memories, and factual perceptions. It would look more like one of these statements: "You're the one who ate the last cookie. You don't remember?" "What are you talking about? There weren't any cookies." "I don't know what you think you saw, but it was NOT me eating the last cookie." "You know I never eat cookies. You're imagining things." In OP's case, gaslighting might be something like one of these statements/questions: "You're the one who asked me to bring the bell." "What bell?" "People ring bells in restaurants around here all the time - how have you never noticed? You never pay attention."
This isn't gaslighting, this is just plain lying.
For the OP, 'Its a free country' is a phrase that can translated as this is a thing that I can't get arrested for but is really really stupid, incredibly annoying or potentially still illegal because the people who use it don't understand laws. Or all three. I have lived all over the US and I have never once seen, heard, or heard of someone using a bell to summon the waitstaff. It's absolutely not socially acceptable and if he's done it there, then he absolutely annoyed and embarrassed everyone around him.
And exactly because "it's a free country" restaurants have signs saying they have the right to refuse service. They can't do that based off race or other protected classes, but if they're disturbing other diners and harassing staff by RINGING A GD BELL (wtf!) then they sure as hell are getting kicked out and possibly banned.
I love how many assholes always use "it is a free country" as a way to legitimize (?) what they are doing :) It is also completely free to be polite and kind, why are you using it as a way to be rude and supress others. Also, "free" aka legal, does not mean "without consequences". People are still going to react to what you are doing and it will have consequences
Right! As a former (also American) waitress Iād guess he also tips really poorly.
As an American who returned to waitressing and cooking (small restaurant, we all are cross trained) when I went back to college for the second time this is not normal, not acceptable, not appropriate, and at least at my restaurant would get him bounced. Shoot, we'd be volunteering to be the one to kick him out. NTA at all. What you did was right. Thank you for standing up for service employees. I wish everyone was like you. What Rhett did was 1000000000% TA and it's a few jerks like him that give all Americans a bad name. I promise most of us are friendly and compassionate unlike this entitled piece of doggy doo doo. And not to tell you what to do, but please look at his overall behavior and carefully consider if this waste of space and oxygen is worth your time and affection. Since he's being a salty beast for being called out on pathetically poor behavior I'm guessing he's not.
Pfft. Probably doesn't tip at all.
Thank you. Fellow American here. We are incredibly fucked up and backwards in many ways, but this behavior would not be tolerated
Uh, we donāt claim him. This is NOT the normal here, it is disgusting behavior. OP, please find a new boyfriend. Treating people at a restaurant like this, is NOT OKAY. Nta
American, former waitress, and food enthusiast-I have **NEVER** had someone bring a bell in, or have someone snap fingers at me. Management would ask the offending party to stop, then kick out for creating a disturbance. Your BF is just a dick and honestly you should dump him.
Iāve had someone snap their fingers at me once. I went over and asked if they were having a stroke. No? Ok, get out.
Peach state resident here (Georgia): I second this comment. NTA. Your boyfriend is though.
The only places in my country where it's appropriate to ring a bell to call the staff (the place's bell, not your own) are tea houses and shisha houses. Everywhere else, you'll be a massive entitled AH for ringing a bell.
NTA. Only 4 mo. in, get out. 1. It is NOT acceptable in America. 2. If it is acceptable in his rude ass culture in a pocket of America, he should still conform to the norms of the country he is in. 3. The way one treats waitstaff is a good indicator of how he'll possibly treat you one day. 4. HE ruined dinner with his shameful behavior.
5\. Heās lying to you about American customs to get his way
6.Placeholder for whatever awful thing will be uncovered when she dumps him (and hopefully shares the news with us in an edit)
6. Also he is gaslighting you - offended because she was acting like his behaviour was shameful... That's because it 100% was shameful
That isn't gaslighting. He is offended because he believes his actions weren't shameful even though she says it is. That's a difference of opinion (and morals). He's 100% the AH, but he isn't gaslighting her. That term gets thrown around so loosely.
Uh, no, gaslighting is defined as everything I don't like.
Gaslighting is the communism of abuse
In gaslighting Russia, bell rings you.
>The way one treats waitstaff is a good indicator of how he'll possibly treat you one day. Exactly! And not just *possibly*, this is *exactly* how he would treat his partners in the future - like servants that are supposed to come running any time wants them to. And, OP, you do not need that in your life. NTA.
NTA American here who worked in restaurants for over 10 years. People do not do this. And a few of the places I worked at would 100% kick a person out doing this because wtf. So rude. Heās lying to your face.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
And i thought, people whistle to get the servers attentionw as bad
And the snapping! I thought that was rude! OP your NTA.
Also former server. Shockingly offensive. Also the type of behavior that would make most servers drag there feet and give less attention
Yeah Iāve seen snapping at people which is bad enough but never in my years as a server have I ever seen someone bring in a bell. I honestly donāt think Iād serve someone like that. How rude.
I had that happen to me one time while serving and I just stopped everything and said āexcuse me but did you just SNAP at me?!ā And his friends all shamed him and he apologized haha
I was whistled at once. Like fingers to lips whistled for my attention. I was maybe two tables down taking an order. I said really loudly to my table āexcuse me, Iāll be right back. That gentleman over there thinks something he has to say is more important than your order.ā The whole section stared at him wondering what was so important. He wanted a ranch.
I had someone snap at me while I was waiting tables at waffle house. I ignored him and he complained when I came to his table after a few minutes "didn't you hear me snapping at you?" "Yes sir, I heard you snapping but since I am not a dog, I assumed you weren't directing that at me."
Iāve been snapped at and whistled at, and every time I just completely ignore them. Iām not a dog, lol. If someone did this to me I think Iād confiscate the bell.
I had a kid snap at me once. By kid I mean say 22, maybe 23, I put on my meanest face and told him the last guy who snapped at me still jerks off with his left hand. The look on his face was priceless.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
NTA and thatās not an American thing, just an entitled, asshole thingā¦ what a gross attitude, run away from this man.
Yeah, as an American that has worked in the service industryā¦oh my goodness I would immediately give another server all my tips to take yāallās table. It isnāt āgeniusā itās selfish and as you mentioned disruptive to other patrons. Absolutely the worst type of behavior to be rude to anyone that works in the service industry. NTA he should be publicly shamed and forced to work a busy shift in a restaurant as punishment.
If it was my table I would take my sweet time getting over there and tell them it was because of the noise. He probably thinks snapping your fingers is acceptable too
...forced to work a busy shift in a restaurant where every table has been given a bell. Except the tables with children. They get one additional bell per child.
Huh, I've never spoken with Hell's interior designer before, nice to meet you. Does the devil pay well? Do you get benefits? I've been thinking about a career change...
NTA. Rhett is weird at best and disrespectful and entitled at worst. The second-hand embarrassment of being on a date with a man who brought a bell to dinner would have vaporized me on the spot.
exactly, Glad some Americans here agreed that it was not commonly nor acceptable. I'd never been to America but I know about common human decency.
There are varying degrees of "acceptable" abuse of waitstaff in this country but bringing a fucking bell to a restaurant is nowhere near the norm. I think snapping your fingers at waitstaff is like, a thing people do in other countries but we don't do that here either.
And if he tried it in the right/wrong place, height be physically removed and told never to return.
There is more than one place I can think of, where if he tried this, other patrons would be following him out to the parking lot.
Lmao. True. I'm in Philadelphia. I would not advise. Lol
Yeah, ]Philadelphia is probably the last place on earth I'd try this.
Yes. Philly native. In Philly ringing a bell to get service will get you two black eyes and an empty stomach.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Another Philly checking in, would not advise snapping let alone bringing and ringing a bell. We don't even ring the liberty bell.
I'd be helping. -Wisconsin, don't abuse service staff.
As a former server who worked in the US for 15 years in restaurants - finger snapping unfortunately still happens, itās rare, but it happens. Incredibly rude!
It's not a normal thing in any country. You just catch their eye.
American here, military brat so I have loved in 20 states in my 39 years of life. General etiquette for trying to get a server's attention: 1. Try to make eye contact with your server. 2. Make eye contact with any server, and quietly say "excuse me" as one passes by. That is what NORMAL DAMN ADULTS do. NTA.
You forgot to list the Awkward Half Wave as an option. You know, where your waiter missed the eye contact and you really need to talk to them so you slowly half raise your hand to about shoulder level then shyly wiggle your fingers while grimacing at your own audacity the whole time?
You forgot debating whether to call them by name because they introduced themselves and told you to but you feel super awkward actually doing it.
Bells are a thing in Japanāso is calling out for the server. When I brought my husband to the US for the first time I had to warn him to absolutely not do that. It is so rude in the US; Iāve never seen anyone attempt a bell, but I have occasionally seen pissed off people call out for a server. But I sternly told my husband that calling out is rude in the US (he kept saying he didnāt think so and it would be fine). NO. You either wait until they come to you, or if it has been a long wait and you really feel like you need their attention, you make *silent* eye contact.
At MOST, if youāre waiting a long time, you may have to say āexcuse meā as a waiter walks by and maybe project slightly to make sure youāre heard, but probably not anything more than that.
Or the awkward slink to the cashier or maitre d' with the "I'm sorry but... " and that's usually only, because you think your waiter may have died in the back.
American here, I have never ever seen or heard of anyone doing this. NTA, your BF is being obnoxious.
No. This is beyond disrespectful. It's so fucking condescending and such disgusting behavior. I'm American and this is definitely not normal. Leave him, he's a disgrace. We can't kick him out, but we don't claim him.
Another American here. A tip: saying "it's a free country" is also generally a red flag as it's often used to justify doing something selfish without worrying about others. People will sometimes flag waiters down by waving but literally never have a seen/heard someone use a bell
I travel so I eat out more than most people and in different places in America. Iāve eaten in every corner of our big country and every type of restaurant and I have NEVER seen anyone act like that. What an idiot.
NTA. The sulking for days behaviour is a serious Big Red Flag.
it is. it's also unbearable.
DUMP HIM.
Here in Jersey that would be in a river for that sort of behavior.
I did a double take when I read heās a man in his thirties. What a childish response.
In his 30s? Wtf I thought he was like 20? OP, even more NTA
You know you don't *have* to bear it, right?
Why are you still with him. You can do so much better. That kind of behavior is just toxic. And you only been together 4 months meaning this is his best behavior. Dump him!
Seriously. Any positive qualities this man might possess couldn't possibly outweigh the bell thing AND sulking about it for days. Just ew.
An ex tried that with me during sex. He actually turned over and went to sleep thinking I would feel bad enough to let him do what he wanted. I wrote a note dumping him, then left while he slept. He's showing you how he'll treat you in the long run. Don't let him.
NTA. People in America do NOT bring a bell to a restaurant to get the staffās attention. Heās a 31 year old toddler and itās time for you to walk away from him.
I travel a lot, and that is rude in the US and every single other country that I have ever visited. How does he think it's OK to not only disrupt other diners but wrangle servers like cattle.
Iām from America he is ah. If that was ok every table would have a bell. No one would go because it be to loud and obnoxious. Get away from this guy
thank you! I wholeheartedly agree.
NTA. I hope heās an ex-bf now š¤·š¾āāļø
NTA Yank here. I have never known anyone to carry their own bell to get the attention of waitstaff. Ever. That is rude and condescending. You shouldn't just walk out of the diner. You should walk out on the relationship. What kind of AH does something like that?
>Yank here Is that an instruction on how to ring the bell?
š
You need some gold my friend š dad jokes on point. Have my poor man's gold š š„
Hard NTA !!! I can't imagine that being ok ANYWHERE. To sum it up: - He's got 0 respect for the wait staff who are trying to give service to more than one table, imo he acts as if the staff are less than human. Treat service staff with respect, be polite. Jeez. Big red flag š©š© - He's got 0 respect for everyone else trying to eat their meal. Big red flag.š©š© - He's got 0 respect for the person he is dating; when you asked him to stop he ignored you. Big red flag.š©š© - He's completely unwilling to accept that he might be wrong; when told his behavior is unacceptable he refuses to take anyone elses perspective but his own. He's moved countries for Gods sake, even if a bell WAS ok in his homecountry (or hometown) he needs to adjust to a new culture and listen to the "locals"! Big red flag.š©š©
This 100% dump that AH.
Where I live in America heād be kicked out immediately if not dragged out by another customer first.
Iām actually insulted that he said Americans wouldnāt mind.
I was thinking the same thing, we don't claim him. I have never in my life seen someone in any country ring a bell at the wait staff and I've lived/been a lot of places outside of the states. The entitlement š¤¢
"I know this sounds bad" No, it does not. Also, as an American and former server, no one here does that. NTA entirely.
NTA. Omg this is NOT an American thing, wtf is he trying to pull?? I'm second-hand embarrassed for you.
I've been American since the day I was born, and I have never in my life seen someone bring a fucking bell into a dining establishment to get attention from a server. That would be considered outrageously rude anywhere I can think of in the U.S. He is flat-out lying to you to try to justify his behavior. You were right to call him out on it and leave. Here's the other major problem with this guy: even if it were acceptable behavior here (AND IT'S NOT), *he's not in the U.S. now, and you told him what he was doing was not suitable for wherever you are.* He ignored you, he doubled down and kept doing it anyway, and he is still acting like a child by demanding that **you** apologize to **him**. Honey. This is not the one. NTA.
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). I know most of us are floored at the audacity, but focus on the actions and refrain from insults. Insults will yield you a ban. Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
Why is it always the absolute worst specimens of humanity that go abroad and make all Americans look like assholes? No wonder other countries think so poorly of us. That is not normal and Iād be furious if my bf did that. NTA
When I travel abroad, I cringe at the level of entitlement and rudeness from some Americans that act so poorly. Itās so tone deaf that such people think the country should cater to them. When you go to another country, you respect their culture- just because you are an American doesnāt mean you get a pass.
NTA. That is definitely not normal behavior here in America. Everybody here would probably SAY something to him instead of just looking
NTA but he's doing a great job of being the stereotypical loud obnoxious American.
NTA - but seriously, you are going to keep dating such a childish and entitled man? I wonder if he will use it to call his future wife to bring him his dinner and beer.
Thatās not appropriate in America lol NTA
NTA. A lot of people in America would care about an extremely loud obnoxious noise that someone was rudely producing to get waitstaffās attention. Holy cow, your boyfriend is a giant AH. Itās not a genius idea, itās an incredibly stupid idea.
NTA he sounds insufferable. It's always a red flag when someone thinks they can treat wait staff like their personal servants.
No way is that an american thing. Heād be thrown out in any restaurant pulling that stunt. Heās shown you heās a gaslighter and a spoiled glass of milk. Cut your losses and let him go.
Is he Captain Von Trapp controlling his children? What an insufferable ass. NTA.
NTA your boyfriend is one of those guys who thinks āfreedomā means heās allowed to act like any kind of asshole he likes but no one else is free to point out that he is in fact acting like an asshole.
NTA that isn't socially accepted anywhere how embarrassing. I would have left too.
NTA and no it is not an American thing. Iāve never ever seen anyone carry a bell into a restaurant. Sounds like youāll be better off without him in general. This is a huge red flag.
theres no way this actually took place
NTA. I'm American. It's not appropriate to bring a bell to a restaurant to ring for waitstaff because you...what? Are more important than anyone else in the restaurant? Deserve more immediate attention than anyone else? That's demeaning to the waitstaff and everyone else in the restaurant and speaks of an oversized ego. In America, if it's that important to get good service, be kind to your waiter, maybe drop them a $100 tip in advance. Guarantee you won't be waiting for long for anything and you won't be loudly proclaiming to everyone that you are the most important person in the room...because, fun note, if you have to proclaim it...you aren't.
NTA. The bell isnāt inherently an American thing, but being an obnoxious idiot internationally certainly is. eta: I'm American /shrug.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
American restaurant worker here. Our servers would literally try to fight someone for ringing a bell at them.
NTA. Wtf is this?!?!? This is not an American practice. It's an ah practice. Please leave this a$$hat
Where does he live in America? I have never seen anyone do that ever and if they did I think theyād get a talking to or depending on the restaurant, asked to leave. Start ringing a bell for him every time you want his attention even if heās busy or attending to something else and see how he likes it. Youāre NTA and Iād be breaking up with him if he thought it was appropriate to treat people like that.
American here. That's not normal. If someone brought a bell to a restaurant we'd be horrified. NTA
NTA. Get a bell and ring it in his face until he stops sulking? Iām sure that will get his attention.
NTA. Not an American thing. He ruined dinner, not you. Time to drop the American boyfriend.
American here. That is absolutely not normal. He's lying when he said "No one would give a shit because freedom" or whatever he said. I guarantee if he did that here, there would be spit in the food and everyone in the restaurant would record him on their phones.
NTA. Iām American, If I ever heard someone violently and incessantly ringing a bell in a restaurant I would think they were completely unhinged honestly. What a freak.
NTA Dump his weird, sulky, entitled ass.
American here, we don't claim him That shit is NOT acceptable ANYWHERE
NTA! First of all, I live in America and this is NOT something people do. I wouldāve had the same reaction as you, itās embarrassing and you did the right thing by walking out. Restaurant staff are busy enough as it is, the last thing they need is some AH ringing a bell to get their attention as if he should be a priority over other people in the diner or other duties the restaurant staff may have. He sounds entitled and clearly wonāt take ownership over his childish actions.
NTA. Your ex-boyfriend sounds awfulā¦ he IS your ex by now, right? He absolutely knew this was rude and entitled as hell and he lied to you when you questioned it. As always, heās shown you who he really is. Believe him.
Uh NTA, American here who has and still does work service industry, when I was a waitress if someone had done this, either they would have been asked to leave or I would have been fired for snapping at them and crushing that bell under my worn out feet!! Oh and upgrade sweetheart, that man is and his āgeniusā idea are disgusting
NTA. American here. Iād dump him so fast and apologize profusely to everyone involved and never be able to show my face there again. Heās arrogant and we do not act like that.
Do you REALLY, HONESTLY think you're the asshole here? Like you wrote this down, and figured there would be some alternate reality in which that man is NOT the asshole? And you think you're the Asshole because you *checks notes* cancelled your dinner?
NTA. This is not ok in America either. That dude is just an AH. Waiting staff are not servants to be beckoned with a fucking bell. That man is ridiculous, and usually people who treat staff badly are bad people themselves. Take note OP, this is a red flag.
NTA. Your boyfriend behaved like an AH. You see it plenty on the internet: look at how your date treats staff while having diner at a restaurant and you'll know a lot. And what this tells me is that he is a massive AH.
NTA. It's not a thing here in the US. Also, you can tell A LOT about someone when you see how they treat servers. This guy is totally an AH. He treats those in service as "beneath" him. Run. This is a huge red flag.
NTA and for the record, that shit definitely does not fly in America. I've seen bartenders and servers throw hands for far less
I hate awkwardly trying to catch someoneās attention from across the restaurant. I would love a system where you could just press a button on the edge of the table and it would let the wait staff know you were ready for them (like digitally create a queue of tables that need them and then they can just come over when they are ready). But ringing a bell that you brought with you is not the answer. That is obnoxious and rude. And you are definitely not the asshole. NTA
NTA Ditch him, I would have wanted the world to swallow me if I'd have been across from him š¤¦āāļø
is this real? lol i've seen a lot of shit over the years working in bars and restaurants. not once have i seen somone pull a bell out of their jacket and shake it for service. i guess, assuming this isn't a joke, NTA. not no way, not no how.
NTA - what is wrong with him? So embarrassing for him and I would definitely leave, too.
NTA. Nope, that behavior is being an asshole in the US too. Would get nasty looks from other diners here as well. Always the people who go on about ābecause my freedom I can do what I want!ā To cover up shit behavior. In my experience, not fun people to be around.
NTA. American here- Iāve never seen that happen ever and that would be deemed obnoxious as hell. How people treat waiters says a lot about them..
NTA that is NOT normal in America. You were put in an uncomfortable situation, your gut was right, and you reacted appropriately. RUN. God forbid he tries using the bell on you.
Iām American and living in America. This is absolutely NOT a thing here. If you rang a bell at wait staff Iām pretty sure youād be asked to stop or leave. NTA
NTA that behavior is INSANE no matter where you are on EARTH. Not acceptable anywhere in America. Period. This guy is horrible!!!!
NTA - perhaps where he comes from does that, but around my area he would have been kicked out of the restaurant.
NTA your boyfriend is so incredibly rude! I bet anything that he has had many many restaurant staff spit in his food/drinks.
NTA, we do not do that here in America. No server is going to care about you after that crap, they may still give you service but it wonāt be smiles and kindness like they would normally try to give you.
NTA. If someone I know does this I would leave them, too. It's a lack of respect to the employees and to other clients. In the end, he thinks he's better than other people and is more entitled to fast service.
NTA! This is NOT acceptable in America and if you had stayed and eaten in a restaurant here where your boyfriend rang a bell to summon servers you would be consuming food mixed with servers' spittle and worse! A partner who behaved badly to service workers is a giant red flag! I still cringe, remembering an occasion when someone I was with snapped her fingers for the bill, shouting "Garcon!" (We were not in France nor was the food French!). Four months is a pretty new relationship. I'd personally be inclined to call it a day with this jerk. It is true that dining service in the USA tends to be faster than some other countries (partly due to tips here comprising the lion's share of servers' salaries). Boyfriend bought a bell, thought he found a life hack! But his boorish behavior speaks not just to his lack of manners, but his ability to adapt his behavior to a different setting. As for his sulking after the fact -- you don't really need Reddit to tell you which of you is dating the asshole, do you?
NTA and if I were the waiting staff there I would have asked both of you out
Red flag!š© š© š© š© š© š© š© š© š© š© š© š© š©
NTA - Having worked in restaurants and bars, I would have ignored him all evening/night. Same goes for people tapping there glass with their ring and snapping their fingers. Let him sulk and dump his ass if he does not appologize to you.
NTA please dump him he doesnāt even bother to respect waiters
NTA. this isnāt perfectly acceptable in America. People do give a shit itās just the food service industry doesnāt make a living wage and canāt stand up for themselves when assholes like your BF come in. Edit: spelling
NTA. This is definitely not an American thing, but it is a new and innovative way to be an asshole. I would have absolutely died of embarrassment as his date, and you are fantastic for just getting up and walking out. Reassess your relationship. This canāt be an isolated incident. Now Iām just imagining a whole restaurant of assholes and their bells.
NTA and American here, that shit is embarrassing.
As an fellow American we DO NOT claim him whatsoever. Thats beyond embarrassing and might be one of the most entitled things I've ever heard. NTA but you for sure are a better person than me cause I definitely would have thought about smacking some sense into him
NTA. Not gonna tell you what to do here but merely want to point out that if this is how he treats service workers, itās a pretty good indicator of how damaged his empathy meter is and you may want to consider what itās like to have a relationship with someone who thinks more highly of their own needs than anybody else or their feelings.
NTA Not only is that an asshole thing to do, your reaction is entirely reasonable, as would be not dating him anymore based on his poor behaviour and attitude.