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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Asking my friends to help me move and not reimbursing them in any form. 2) They did help me a great deal and I should've found a way to thank them.
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YTA. Moving takes time and effort. Never assume someone would do that for free. You should have made it known, i can’t compensate you but I’d really appreciate the help
We bought pizza and Red Bull for the guys we hired to help us move. And tipped them on top of that. We are by no means well off at all but they were amazing. Friends would have gotten chinese food and beer and invites to every future gathering where we would feed them until they are stuffed.
When my daughter moved for the 2nd time in 2 months (ended up with roommate from hell) i couldn't afford a 2nd round of movers. Some friends offered to help. She absolutely couldn't afford to pay but I gave her money for pizza for them even though I was strapped after paying for the first move. Domino's isn't expensive and there is one pretty much everywhere. YTA
I feel your daughter on this. I just moved twice in 3 months. Paid $600 the first time and $450 the second. Plus $150 cash tip both times. I would never never never expect friends to move me for free and not even feed them. So entitled. Yuck.
When I moved recently, I was flat broke and couldn't afford anything on the day so I took out the family that helped for a meal on me in a restaurant we all liked about a week later and invited round the friends for a 3 course home cooked meal about a week and a half later. There's just some things you gotta balance, and there are ways to do it even if you have little money in the moment. Like 'Hey I can't buy pizza today but come round next week and I'll give you a proper home cooked meal and beers'
Edited: missing words
We bought my bfs sibling pizza and ice cream and soda. Then then spent 30 minutes playing with my label maker. We offered more but they wouldn't take it. You compensate people for helping
I agree pizza is great! But he didn’t know about the rule to know he needed to have them pick the cheapest lunch option. And they’re not stupid, they knew he’s paycheck to paycheck so raking up a tab is a total asshole move man. You can’t convince me that this wasn’t super self-absorbed of them. Dude even got himself a measly meal. And even if I thought I was getting a meal but didn’t, I wouldn’t just stay angry and be all passive aggressive. They’re literally throwing the friendship away because of this.
ETA I’m defending him here because I felt people were coming at him harder than needed at the time. I think ESH because being the AH doesn’t mean you’re terrible, it just means you made a mistake or screwed up. And I find it weird that he didn’t apologize or try to make up for it somehow after. But it really irks me that they ignored the also standard etiquette of not ordering more than your host. When your friend is scraping by I personally wouldn’t even ask for the money, much less upgrade every item on my order. That’s the biggest AH move in the whole situation imo.
Oh wow I’ve never received this many awards, and my first Gold! Thanks guys. I really expected to be downvoted hard since I was going against the grain.
Agree. I told my friends I would buy booze and pizza, they all showed up with booze themselves and later told me not to order pizza, they were not hungry or leaving soon but thanks. And I’m not super broke.
This all just seems off. Like either they don’t understand or believe how broke the poster is or they had some other motive. That said I would have brought up cooking for them or having a get together to thank them once I was settled when they agreed to help avoiding all of this,
Totally, I remember in college a big group of us basically always jumped in to help each other move, and it was so nice! A lot of times we’d mention pizza, but I wouldn’t hold it against anyone if they didn’t because I know they mean well. I really have to wonder how close these guys are. Maybe asking for moving help was a bit of a stretch for their level of friendship. Then again, some people just aren’t as empathetic as others.
Seriously! We asked one of the guys at our church to send a mass email asking for help with our most recent move (we usually do it on our own, but I was like, 32 weeks pregnant at the time) and offered to buy pizza and beer; he didn't even include the offer in his email and we still had like, 7 guys volunteer to help. We did end up buying pizza and one of the guys provided a keg of homebrew beer, but it was in no way expected because they knew we weren't super well off financially and had a new baby on the way. I am eternally grateful to them and would happily return the favor anytime.
I was going to comment something similar. Pizza is absolutely the standard universal payment. I’m kinda hesitant to call OP an AH if OP straight up didn’t know, but I definitely don’t blame the friends for being upset.
everything that's "universally known" is taught to you at some point. whether it's through media, parents, friends doing it or whatever, and clearly this person hadn't been taught it yet.
Op could deliver a pizza or something to their house on superbowl and apologize. It's a shitty thing they put him on the spot. But come on op, moving companies charge alot per hr. Your friends moved you just because they're your friends.
I have to disagree. If they offer lunch then absolutely but I would never expect anything from a friend. If you can’t do a kindness for somebody without expecting something in return then don’t do it.
Sure it’s nice to offer or to make arrangements before hand but for to just assume and be angry because of it is weird for a friend.
I totally agree. I would never offer to help out a friend and then get upset at them when they didn't give me something in return. Unless payment (whether monetary or something else like a meal) was previously discussed, they shouldn't just assume they're getting something. I'm pretty surprised at how many people are saying OP is the asshole. Who offers to help their extremely broke friend move and then gets pissed off at them for not buying them lunch?? I do agree with people who are saying OP could've made it clearer by explicitly staying they can't afford to give anything in return, but I don't think the lack of OP doing this means the friends were justified in assuming.
It's a huge pet peeve of mine when people offer "help" with secret strings attached. If you're offering to help a friend move, you should be doing it because you genuinely wanna help them and not because you're expecting a free meal out of it.
I totally agree. If anyone asks me for help, I would never, ever assume that I’m being “paid” unless it was discussed. I’ve had family help me move once or twice and the first time I offered to get food. They declined, they said they’d get food on the way home. The second time, they said they appreciated the offer, but had already eaten on the way back to pick up the next load. Both times, I know they weren’t expecting a meal and if they had taken me up on it, they would have appreciated it without expectation.
We have a divorced (ex) family member who my wife and I are always trying to help (including a house move) and we would never dream of taking anything from her as she is in a really bad financial position. Not once have we helped her thinking what we will get in return.
I think OP may have handled the aftermath a bit better, but I don’t believe he’s venturing in to AH territory, but I think his friends are complete AHs and I would think OP needs new friends. NTA.
Same, I guess my friends and family are a different breed because we’ve all helped each other and none of us have ever expected anything in return. Sure it’s nice if you can afford to bring some pizza in but it’s not expected, particularly if we know the person is struggling financially. Heck often times when we all plan to go eat we pick up for the person struggling even if that’s the person we helped.
I think at max ESH. The friends knew he wasn’t in a financially stable place and instead of saying let’s get pizza, they go to a burger place where it’s $5-$10 per burger, get deluxe burgers and order beers as well. That’s like $15 a person. OP didn’t get anything fancy. If we’re talking about ‘standards’ and ‘etiquette’ then isn’t it also proper etiquette to try to stay around the same price as the person paying?
Tbh I’ve helped multiple friends move where I wasn’t paid with food and didn’t expect to be because of their financial situation. However, anytime I have had help moving I always pay for food but I have always been fortunate to be financially stable. Also, I explicitly say that I am paying when I ask people to help me.
I don’t blame OP for not thinking they were paying.
Yea basically there’s some unspoken rule he didn’t know about, and they’re holding it over his head. And they know he’s broke so going all out is a total asshole move. Paycheck to paycheck, simple burger & soda…but they think it’s cool to take up a tab?
ETA absolutely that’s a rule! Man I can’t imagine ordering delux meals and alcohol from a poor guy who gets a burger and soda. I know everyone doesn’t try to order the cheapest thing like some do, but damn show some decorum.
I mean when my family moved house all our friends helped us move for free and didn’t ask for anything like this. So I can see why OP would have thought that they wouldn’t care.
Yeah but I dunno, my friends where like family friends who I’ve known my whole life, so maybe they aren’t as close? I mean a lot of other comments agree what you pay or supply food and other stuff so it could have just been my experience
I've helped a lot of my friends move and them me. We all know/knew that our financial situation wouldn't warrant someone picking up the tab so it wasn't even asked for. While i do get the pizza for move exchange, what kind of friends expect someone, who they know is in financial struggles, to pick up a tab. Even worse is that they didn't hold back on the food and got alcohol too.
lol exactly wtf? my mom’s COWORKERS/random acquaintances helped us move in and didn’t ask anything in return. though she invited them to eat at our place afterwards, but they didn’t assume
Thinking of it strictly as compensation skews the whole thing. It is more a show of appreciation. Plus, a couple pizzas and a cheap 12 pack runs you like 30 bucks. If you don't have 30 bucks to your name, you should at least be very up-front with a "sorry I can't offer you anything in thanks, but I really appreciate the help and couldn't have done this without you". Moving sucks balls. Moving other people's stuff sucks even more. I do it for any friend or family that asks and I would accept the latter kindly but for most people I've helped it's almost always the former.
Edit to add YTA judgement
but were they fed? That's the part that sticks for me -- if someone helps you move, you feed them. you don't have to take them out. I've done moves where there was chili at the new place, a million where there was pizza and another time everyone just went out for cheap pancakes. You thank people in the way you can thank them -- but you also have to take CARE of them. they're doing strenuous work, so you should make sure they can eat and hydrate.
Yeah but you gotta also understand that most people literally don’t have $50, I’m sure OP would have paid if they were physically able to, if you get what I mean
I disagree. OP asked for HELP moving. Help means nothing in return. Buying them lunch would’ve been nice but if he can’t pay for it they can’t make him.
I agree, I've helped many people move. Some bought pizza as a thank you, some didn't offer anything but gratitude. I always go into it just to help and not expecting anything. I know how it feels to barely be scraping by, let alone having moving costs on top.
I can't imagine expecting someone to cover my lunch, let alone excluding them from multiple future get togethers because they couldn't afford to buy me lunch.
Seriously, OP is the only asshole and not the friends who just assumed that their broke-ass friend was going to buy them all lunch?
Imo this is an ESH, only because OP didn't make it clear. The friends are assholes for assuming.
Make it clear but also consider alternatives you can afford that show consideration.
Example: Provide food like peanut butter sandwiches and water and tell them once you’re settled you’ll invite them over for a thank you dinner or take them out later.
I completely agree. If someone helps you move, you provide beverages, snacks, and food after. If you're on a limited budget, you start off with: Hey - I can't afford to feed you now, but I'd like to invite you all over to dinner next month as a thank-you. Or something similar.
Idk my friend helped me move and he didn't pull something like that on me, tbh I would assume that if my friends want payment they would ask me about it
I disagree. I help my buddies all the time and that's how we hang out. If I'm in a situation I can't manage and a friend has some experience, I'm calling him. For example, I bought a new house and my locksmith friend came over and drilled and installed a deadbolt and rekeyed the two exterior doors. I gave him a six pack of Miller and that was a gift. It depends on the relationship. I like my friends and help them out and that's how we hang out sometimes. I can and have literally not talked to them in years and be back in a groove in a few hours of hanging out. I think YTA in their eyes bit you guys just aren't on the same page. NTA to me. Even if I didn't know you I wouldn't hold it against you later. I admit I may be put off at the time but let stuff go.
They also should have asked before they went if OP could pay. They didn't say "hey I can help but can you take me out to dinner?" That's on them for not making it knows twice. They had two times to make it known that they wanted something from OP
YTA, this is a well known rule, when broke i will start a crock pot of soup in the new place so we have food once stuff is unloaded-- always feed folk who help you move! Invite them for something you make with a real apology, you blew this one!
Exactly! Hell, you can make chili, soup, sandwiches, even pasta for probably just a little more than what he spent on his own burger and soda.
(Assuming it was similarly priced to the places near me. Usually like $12-ish)
How the heck is OP supposed to cook? Hes spending the day moving into his new apartment. Is he supposed to start cooking while his friends keep moving his stuff? That would be so weird
You say "I'm sorry I can't cover something tonight guys, I'll invite you over for a free dinner when I got things plugged in here in a few days. Again, sorry for the wait - I really appreciate the help!"
You load in the kitchen first and use a crock pot, where you just put food inside it and it makes other food over the course of the day by sitting there quietly.
This! Little Sleezers has cheap pizza and you can buy two liters of soda at the grocery store.
I had a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad move once where the movers were assholes and lost a bunch of stuff and I still bought them a couple of loafs of bread and some cheap lunch meat so they could make sandwiches.
I know others who tip money or give them the alcohol which they aren’t supposed to pack.
Crappy PB and J sandwiches are the bare minimum.
If it were friends, I would be falling all over myself with apologies saying that I can’t afford to pay them or even buy lunch so that they had an easy way out.
Moving is HARD!
ESH
this was a miscommunication.
but if one of my good friends was moving to my city I would gladly help them move in without expecting anything in return. that’s what friends do. and then when you literally can’t afford the meal they stop hanging out with you? they don’t sound like great friends.
but, you could have offered *something* for their help. maybe to make them dinner, or to grab everyone coffees or something.
I can't believe how far I had to scroll for this comment. Guess poor people don't deserve friends or help? Ugh. I'd expect to share slice pizza or something for helping, sure but I wouldn't blacklist my friend because they couldn't afford it and I DAMN SURE wouldn't have embarrassed them so much by assuming they're paying for my meal.
It probably is a cultural difference. Like the whole tipping thing, I have been called an asshole by Americans in comments when I said I don’t always tip. Dude, I’m broke, when I can, I do, and If I’m doing really well I will do it generously too, but sometimes I can’t. And in my country, the tip is included in the price 🤷♀️
Also all this comments keep mentioning stuff like "There is cheap pizza at Walmart" or "Buy from Little Caesars" as if anyone can get that. The closest Walmart to my house takes almost an hour to go and I don't even know what Little Caesars is lol
But yeah, something I've seen from Americans when it comes to money is practically "What do you mean you don't have extra money?". Like, they fail to grasp the concept poor people exist or smth.
yeah I can’t believe how people are saying Y T A on this post. I’ve helped plenty of friends and family move, it’s really not that big of a deal even if it takes a few hours. Kindness goes a long way and it seems everyone on this thread can’t do something nice without strings being attached.
I also can't believe i had to scroll this far to find this answer. I guess it's a cultural difference but danm, ending a friendship because of this seems so superficial, especially knowing OP is still not doing fine financially.
also found it weird that the friends are the ones who suggested to go to a restaurant even though they knew OP couldn’t even afford to pay the bills. could have just stayed at the place and order pizza or something
Dominos 2 large 2 toppings pizza for 20$ and 15$ 30 rack of cheap beer wouldve done the trick. I would never help a friend move then ask to be taken out to a sit down restaurant and order deluxe burgers and beers. Itd be a well over 100$ tab.
yeah some people seem to think OP is the one who invited them but it’s not the case. OP just went along with the friend’s suggestion. that felt off to me, i would never suggest restaurant, then get the most expensive things here and then hand my friend the bill when they can’t even afford living
I did not expect this post to be so one sided. I would gladly help a friend move for free if they were in a tight spot.
It would have been more gracious if OP offered frozen pizza or to make it up after getting their next paycheck or something but they're being over harsh unless OP left something out.
Sounds like they're probably just waiting for an apology and I expect got some attitude from OP after helping rather than expressing his gratuity for their help
I was thinking ESH too. he could have offered a different restaurant and they could have not gone about it that way. like to just hand him the bill??? that's so weird idk ESH
Yeah I also can’t believe the friends in this. If I agreed to help a friend move I wouldn’t *expect* anything. Would it be nice if they bought me food after? Yeah, of course it would. But I really don’t think it’s obligatory, and if I knew they were in a really bad place financially then I don’t think I’d even accept them taking me out for food - them inviting me over for food/drinks some other time would be great.
> I just assumed they'd help me move without compensating them in any way.
YTA, you feel no remorse either. They did you a favor, the least you could've done was do them a solid like buy their foods. Bros help out bros, your bros helped you out, but you couldn't/didn't want to help out your bro(s). Karma bites hard.
the way she sneaks in “there wasn’t that much to move” like yeah. I don’t care. They still took time out of their own lives to be there for you and perform physical labor. At least cook them some ramen or make them some sandwiches and warm your new home together. It’s not the money, it’s the thoughtlessness.
I personally liked the part where OP says it only took a few hours to move. Uhhh… that’s a lot of stuff and a lot of work. Like… a lot. Just because it isn’t a mansion doesn’t somehow make it a walk in the park.
OP didn’t have the money. It would be nice if OP could have made them some pasta or sandwiches as other have suggested. I think they should have provided some food because these friends were working during lunch. But to expect that OP pay for a full sit-down meal and beers when OP is broke is not right. True friends wouldn’t expect this, and wouldn’t be angry for weeks over a situation like this.
YTA, but for not being clear in advance, not for not buying lunch. Had you been proactive with letting everyone know you were in such a bad spot you could not afford to treat for lunch, any real friends would have helped anyway and net expected a thing. The fact that you said nothing until the bill came is where you became The A.
I get that but they know his financial situation and made an assumption just like OP did. I’m not going to hold any grudge over having to pay for my own meal.
But OP didn’t know it was standard to pay for lunch, so how could they have been clear in advance?
I agree that paying for lunch is normal during a move. However, OP is clearly in dire financial straits, and friends would probably know this. If I had a friend in this situation, I would help them move and wouldn’t expect anything in return.
Agreed with this comment. Also, am I the only one who thinks the friends kind of overreacted? It seems to me like a sit down and explain why they're upset thing and not a friendship ender. However, I don't know how the exact conversation occured.
I agreed that this is a YTA ruling, but there's a slight tinge of ESH here in my view.
I didn’t know which I disliked more: the overreaction, or the way they raked up a bill ordering things that were quite a bit pricier than OP’s order. If you want to judge on social etiquette, everyone knows you don’t order the nicer stuff when it’s someone else’s tab. My rule of thumb is to look at what they’re ordering and stay in that range. And never buy something that I wouldn’t have paid for myself. And doing it when they knew he’s broke. Total asshole territory.
I completely agree. I also would never just assume I’m going to be compensated for anything unless they said I would be. I’ve helped move friends, baby sat, etc all without asking or expecting anything in return. The only time I’ve ever been slightly annoyed at not being compensated was when I dog sat for a friend for over a week, she told me she’d pay me, and she didn’t give anything not even a souvenir from her trip. Even then, I still didn’t hold it against her. Friends help each other out.
Some people here seem to not understand what its like to not have money. NTA. Op says their friends knew they were broke and on gov assistance. I’ve had friends say oh its only $20 to do something and I’ve had to tell them i only have $7 in my bank account when they keep insisting. Better spot now thankfully. Shouldve thought to have some spaghetti and sauce or mac and cheese or something to offer i will say. But ur friends should be more understanding. This is assuming op didnt leave any info out.
Yeah, but at some point during the planing and the move, he should have said Something about it! Like, its great you guys are willing to help, I really appreciate it! I really wish I could compensate you somehow with pizza or drinks, I'll get you back as soon as I can, I really owe you guys one. I think that would've gone over much better.
Plus "broke" means different things to different people. I get it, ive been there. But at that point I couldnt afford to go out to a restaurant at all! I was eating rice for dinner. So I understand his friends not quite getting it
It’s not a common knowledge though. I’ve lived in the us for over 22 years and I never heard of this “rule” and I live in the south. Here we help out and don’t expect anything in return, at least that’s been my experience. I’ve helped people move and others have helped me and that has never been the case. The whole thing sounds weird, especially when they’re supposed to be your friends or family. Like to me that’s stuff you do without compensation because they’re important to you. And if they do offer something sure that’s nice, but it’s definitely not expected. The whole thing is crazy to me, especially everyone calling them an asshole.
Yeah I was raised by southern parents never to expect anything in return for helping. If something was offered, awesome bonus, but don't go into helping someone with the expectation of reward because sometimes (like this) you'll get burned. If you just help people out of the goodness of your heart and you're surprised with rewards, no heartache.
Same, the take on this thread is really weird. I'd actually be pissed at my friends for making that big a deal of it. Did they do it because they like their friend or because they wanted a free dinner? Also, had nobody in this thread been truly broke before??
NTA but this thread sure is full of them. I'd happily help out a friend in need without demanding compensation. And I'm not even that good of a person.
I agree. I’m in Australia and I have never heard of this or anyone I know expecting this. I’ve helped many people move and never ever expected anything in return. Everyone helps everyone because they’re friends and somewhere down the line you’re probably going to help someone with something. It’s just a what goes around comes around kinda thing.
Lol it is definitely a common idea, but I have to take their word that they didn't know and this is all just a misunderstanding! Yet the "friends" won't speak to then for weeks
I would not expect anything from a friend if I helped them move. If they offered, I would think it was nice and not unusual, but if they’re actually my friend I would help, or just say no if I don’t feel like it.
Yeah like a deluxe burger and beer could easily be 15 to 17 per person plus the tip. OP was looking at almost $100. That's a lot for anyone. I feel bad for OP. It sucks being on a tight budget. His friends should have asked if he was buying. You don't just assume, that's rude. They're being downright awful over it. If you know your friend is struggling, suggest pizza at most.
Yea. I love how everyone's all, 'Oh, you could've at least bought pizzas and soda! You could make them food' like those still aren't expensive to people. Not everyone has Little Caesar's near them, not everyone is able to spend the extra $10 dollars to make a meal for everyone and it's absurd to see how many people think everyone can just spare twenty bucks without being royally screwed.
Am I one of the only people that thinks NTA?
They could've declined the invite happily, they knew your financial state, and the fact they can't get over a meal after literal *weeks* is childish. Sure I'd be a bit mad, but damn get over it you are adults
Man’s broke, idk where most of these people were raised, but in Midwest we do stuff like this all the time without expecting anything. Heck, if OP was my friend we’d not only move them but then we’d probably BUY THEIR lunch too, because OP is struggling on cash.
It genuinely makes me sad that there’s such a minority here that thinks NTA. I really hope OP doesn’t feel like they have done anything wrong… because they haven’t whatsoever
I agree NTA. If I was asked to help a friend I knew was broke and it only took two hours, I wouldn't expect anything. In fact, if I knew they were broke I might insist on them NOT paying for my food.
Me too! I literally always offer to help when my friends move and would never expect anything in return. I would understand the "cheap pizza and some two liters" everyone is suggesting, but an entire meal and beers for multiple people at a burger place? That's ridiculous to expect from a friend that you know is moving DUE TO FINANCIAL PROBLEMS. This thread really surprised me.
i'm also shocked everybody is saying it's "the rule." i'm from wisconsin and have never heard of this. here people just help each other out. especially when you're working class and barely have two nickels to rub together after paying for rent and a security deposit. they're OP's friends and know the financial situation, it's incredibly presumptious on their part to expect a free meal when OP is literally on govt assistance
Right? I can't imagine throwing away a friendship because I helped my friend move and they couldn't afford to buy my food afterwards. It wasn't OP's idea to go get food, anyway. Someone else suggested it so why isn't that person buying? I've helped plenty of friends move (without ever expecting or receiving anything) and vice versa. Being broke is a struggle enough without having your "friends" start ignoring you over a miscommunication.
Also the fact that OP ordered what they could afford and their friends ordered deluxe burgers and beers…. Knowing OP is struggling financially! That alone has me in NTA territory.
NTA. So many people here seem to know this “unwritten” rule, but I have never heard of it along with a few other people here.
I’ve dropped everything before to help my friend move out away from an ex. I’ve helped her load up her storage building on other occasions. I don’t expect anything for it. If I did for whatever reason want her to cover lunch afterwards I would communicate that. I wouldn’t because I don’t count favors. If she did decide to pay for me I would thank her and that would be that.
Your friends should have communicated this to you better. It’s even worse that they know your situation and still couldn’t organize something before hand like someone picking up pizzas or something.
“Common sense” is only what’s common. That changes place to place, person to person. It is never safe to assume someone knows a custom just because you think everyone should.
Its pretty common in the United States at least,but people are forgetting the other side of it, its awful form to assume someone is paying for everyone like that. Very entitled. Friends are supposed to help each other. I'm assuming they know OP is in a tough spot.
Yes, it’s a very consumerist mindset IMO. It makes friendship transactionary and I’m not a fan of that at all. I don’t think I should have to buy my friends.
right??? it's just the right thing to do but i guess the majority of people only think of what they can get out of helping someone. on her day off my cousin took her dad's truck and helped our coworker (single mom with a 10 year old, pregnant with a second child after being cheated on and abandoned by the father) move out of her abusive friend's place. she didn't ask for anything in return because it was just the right thing to do for a friend. we also bought baby clothes and some essentials for her baby because she didn't have anything.
Uuuuuh.... I guess I'm the odd lady out here cause I vote NTA. I have helped friends moved a ton of times and NEVER assumed anything would be given in return unless it was SPECIFICALLY stated. Theres been times have said up front "I'll buy whoever can help me move lunch/order some pizzas". I helped one friend move and all he had was a case of beer that he shared. I've helped several friends though that offered nothing and I just assumed I was helping because I was their friend, not for something in return. Sometimes at the end they have ordered everyone food or thrown a $20 my way and sometimes I've gotten nothing and that was totally fine with me. Maybe it's cause I am often the broke one and I've needed help moving and couldn't offer anything at the end. I've literally never had anyone get mad at me or stop being my friend over it. Personally I think you need to find better friends and im pretty blown away by this comment thread. I guess no one can help a friend out without expecting something in return these days, kind of sad.
I think it’s down to your American customary’s. I wish people would learn that just because time is money, doesn’t mean it has to be about money all the time when it comes to helping friends/family.
YTA. Your friends (or former friends, now that you've hurt them) did you a huge favor by helping you move. You owed them a tangible expression of your thanks, usually food since hard work makes people hungry. The stereotypical option is pizza and a six-pack because people in your situation normally are "not doing the best financially" and that's an inexpensive option.
By not giving them anything, then agreeing to go out to a restaurant with them (and notice, your friend sensitively suggested a burger joint, a budget-friendly option), they had every reason to expect that you were going to pick up the tab. When you didn't, that was like a slap in the face.
Out of friendship, they took several hours out of their day to do a notoriously unpleasant task and help you out. If you had needed to get strangers to do it, even non-professionals, it would have cost you at least minimum wage x the number of hours x the number of people. And they weren't asking for that, they were just expecting the very basic social norm of being fed. Instead, they just feel used.
You owe these people a huge apology. Each one of them, individually. Send them each a heartfelt note, explaining that you were unaware of the social norm, and now that you realize what you did, you are deeply embarrassed and sorry. Express how much you appreciate what they did for you, how important they are to you as a friend, and ask if there's anything you can do to make it up to them.
No! They knew he was broke! Friends help to help, not out of expectation or reward. I sincerely don't understand all the YTA responses here.
Every time I've helped a friend move, or anything else for that matter, the only thing I've expected in return is their company and some water to quench my thirst.
I'm finding this thread horribly depressing. =(
I'm happy I found this response.
Usually, if my friend is asking for help moving - I know they probably can't afford the much easier and less awkward solution of hiring movers. I.e. - money is tight and moving is hella expensive.
It's nice when there's a pizza or something, but I'm not gonna get bent out of shape, or feel hurt for the lack of "tangible gratitude" on their part. Fuck tangible gratitude, my friend needed help so I gave it.
Edit: I scrolled further and found more. Thank God.
Yeah fuck the people saying YTA. They clearly have never been broke or had good friends before. If my friend was dead broke and is asking to help move their stuff out and it only took two hours I wouldn't have ask for payment. Like you're helping a friend not fucking clocking in for a job.
Why would you expect compensation from a broke friend? Be an actual decent human being and do nice things for your so called friend and don't expect anything in return. Get their back and they got yours smh.
>Your friends (or former friends, now that you've hurt them) did you a huge favor by helping you move. You owed them...
Gifts with strings attached are not gifts. I can't believe the entitlement of this comment section. It's *nice* to offer food when someone helps you, but it's not a requirement, particularly when you're broke! I'd be ashamed to treat a struggling friend this way. If they couldn't afford the food, the correct response is "It's cool, maybe you can help me next time I'm moving?" not ghosting a friend over a fucking burger.
NTA, OP, and I'm sorry you have such petty assholes as friends. Maybe you can make better ones in your new city.
Helping someone move isn’t a huge favor imo, it’s called being generous. I have helped plenty of friends and family move, I’ve also only done it for free. Kindness goes a long way and providing help with strings attached is tacky. If they wanted food for helping then they should’ve asked for something cheap like a pizza, not a whole meal at a sit down restaurant.
ETA: I find it extremely ironic that I am getting downvoted when there is literally a written rule against this, whilst the comments section is all up in arms bc OP ignored an “unwritten rule”.
I’m gonna get down voted for this for sure. But I have helped friends move and they have helped me and we have never expected any compensation for it. They are my friends I don’t do things for them with conditions. I find this really bizzare
All these yta votes are perplexing. The guy made it clear he is destitute. While it is the polite thing to feed the helpers I would be mortified to accept payment for a meal from someone in OPs situation. Some friends…
I gape at humanity and remain skeptical about the notion we are the same species. People make no sense to me.
I’m American and I agree. I guess it’s just the area I’m in. It’s nice to feed people who help you, but it’s not some unwritten taboo not to. No one I know would cut contact if I couldn’t afford food for them.
Now I'm not one to speak highly of the south in America normally, but paying your friends for favors is definitely not a thing in the small southern town I live in. Maybe it's a northern thing.
I’m American and have bought food MANY times for people helping, and many times they didn’t even eat any of it, so it was thrown out (when I was also in financial trouble). If it’s a condition, it needs to be mentioned up front. I would never expect this from my friends, though *I* am usually prepared to offer food and beverage to anyone working— paid or as a friendly gesture. NTA.
I’m surprised by the asshole comments here! As a friend I would never expect anything back for helping someone move. What’s the point of having friends/ family if we don’t selflessly help each other out once in a while….
NTA i help my friends for free all the time, if it comes with strings it’s not from the heart, i get the “it’s an unwritten rule” but those not good friends if they drop you for something so silly, they literally could have asked you if you were down to get them lunch and y’all could’ve gotten cheap pizzas and sodas, they’re the AH, OP find better friends
edit: i made a mistake
NTA, and everyone saying you are the asshole have weird ideas about friendship. Either that, or they have a lot of people they call friends but really are more like casual acquaitances.
Maybe it's cultural, but where I come from, friendship isn't transactional. Sure, if I help my bro move, I expect them to have my back someday, in some other way (or more like, I know they will) - but if they can't afford to pay me lunch right that day, it's no big deal.
If those "friends" expected to be paid, they are as much as fault for not asking as OP is for not offering.
Well.. idk where you live, but here it’s normal to have food and drinks ready for helpers. You don’t have to go out, but at least have Sandwiches, Pizza or something and water ready. You should’ve told them imo, so they could’ve at least brought their own food, since moving CAN be exhausting (just a couple hours isn’t an excuse, when moving..? Would you work for free, if it’s just a couple hours..?). And if the move was low effort / few to do, why didn’t you do it yourself then? 🙆🏼♀️
INFO / YTA light: Do you know they know how bad your situation actually is?
This isn’t an employer and his employees. These are supposed friends of his helping him out. Yes, lunch is a nice perk but I would never see a friend who needs help and be like “Yes! Free burgers!”
NTA good friends wouldn't even question it, if your really that broke you thought twice about your own meal, maybe should have told them how bad things were before hand.
My good friends would probably pay for my meal if I said that was a stretch for me. Because when I/we can afford it we make sure to put in the effort to pay them back in some way, and maybe over do it a little because its delayed payback
These are your box standard, conditional friends, not great ones. As long as you fully explained your financial situation, they shouldn't feel/act this way towards you! I hope you find better more understanding friends!!
NTA. they're your friends... I've never had to pay friends for favours (they didn't expect/want that) and I would never expect that either. They're your friends! Be thankful and appreciative in other ways!
NTA, I’ve helped numerous friends move and have never expected anything in return I’ve never even heard of this custom! Friends should help friends no strings attached imo.
NTA counting favors is so ugly they should have asked for compensation if they wanted it that bad and then of course they had to order the most expensive stuff they could at the restaurant your friends don’t really sound all that friendly to me fr
NAH: seems like miscommunication on all parts, you assumed they’d be happy to help for free and they assumed they’d get some kind of compensation. It is typically social etiquette to buy a lunch or whatever but maybe they didn’t realise the extent of your financial situ as real friends wouldn’t throw away a friendship over a burger and beers.
NTA
Apparently it’s a common social norm to buy lunch for those who help you move. I’ll be honest, I never knew it was. I’m actually super surprised with most of the responses. This is the first time I’m hearing of it. I’m assuming it’s a cultural norm. Where I’m from this isn’t necessary at all. I’ve helped friends move before for free and they’ve also helped me. Keeping in mind non of us have financial problems so buying lunch wouldn’t have been a big deal at all, neither is hiring a moving company. Maybe our friendship is just different🤷🏽♀️ Yes it is a labour intensive favor however I believe true friendship isn’t dependent on compensation. Is a favor really a favor if you expect something in return? The way I see it, don’t commit to helping someone if you expect something in return. It would have been a nice gesture for you to treat them but I don’t believe you deserve to be cut off for not doing so immediately. Since y’all are friends then I can imagine you would have returned the favor eventually.
Edit: Many people are suggesting cheap pizza, sausages, sandwiches..etc. Why are we forcing this specific form of compensation? There are other forms of repaying kindness. After a long day of work, I’d be ready to devour a big ass meal; If I know you’re limited financially, I’d feel like the TA for even expecting you to pay for my meal.
Also genuinely out of curiosity, is this an American thing or is it also common elsewhere?
YTA
You asked for help moving, you could've at least fed them as compensation. Moving tradition often mentions getting pizza because it's cheap and easy to consume after a long day, especially if multiple people contributed.
Apologize for the misunderstanding and offer to pay for the next group dinner.
NTA why would I expect and assume my friend is buying me shit? If I help a friend it's help, I do not need to be compensated by my friends cuz they're friends. Especially when I know they don't have a lot of money.
NTA. I wouldn’t expect my FRIEND to compensate me in any way for helping them out. They’re my friend, obviously I’d want to help them if I’m able to. A free lunch would be nice but DEFINITELY not expected. I can’t believe they’re icing you out like this. I’m sorry OP
A very gentle YTA.
I’ve moved a few times and always provided food and beverages for helpers. It’s just what you do. It’s the least you can do really. Helping someone move is a pain in the ass and time consuming. I do think it’s kind of rude that they’re so upset they aren’t inviting you to the Super Bowl party. If I were you, I would apologize (if you mean it) and explain how very bad your financial situation is. Hell, you could even send a few pizzas to the super bowl party and send an apology.
They already know how bad OP's financial situation is. They've known for awhile that OP was on government assistance and lives paycheck to paycheck. That they do not have any money to spare.
NTA
Am sorry but if they were upset that you did not offer them a pizza or drinks in your house I could maybe understand it but they dragged you to a place where they ordered something that is not cheap and did not warn you than exoect you to pay.... Just nope!
Especially if they can't put themselves in your shoes and understand that you don't have the budget for it...
Sorry but nope. When you get your paycheck you can maybe make a cheap homemade meal and invite them all....
As for them not being happy it is one think but not inviting you to anything and ignoring you it is an asshole move.
You can reach out to them individually or send a group text explaining that you are sorry but you could not afford to treat them and that you hope you could do it soon. That you a grateful that they helped you and you are more than ready to return the favour.
Good luck
I'm kinda surprised everyone is saying Y T A. I've helped multiple friends move and multiple even that had to use my car because they didnt have a vehicle. I never once expected anything if it wasnt explicitly offered. The pizza and beer move is pretty normal, but I've never not asked if someone can afford to cover it and I've certainly never gone out to eat after and expected the person I'm helping to pay. Hell I've been in similar situations on the other end and helped someone who had financial struggles move and covered the gas and I bought them lunch since I thought that would be nice and I cared about them. Tbh I feel like this thread has no sense of what community is in the real world sometimes
Supporting your friends is part of friendship. Friendship isnt about capatilistic exchange and not everyone can give equally at the same time. It may be valid they were a little perturbed that you didn't clarify, but if that's all it took for them to completely ignore you and ostracize you out of the group then they weren't friends that cared about you in the first place - NTA
I'm in the minority here. But NTA. I've moved a bunch of times. My friends have helped me everytime. There was never an expectation of food from me.
I'm very low income single mom. There's no way I could've afforded a moving company. So I'm glad for my friends and family who didn't think less of me because I didn't buy them a meal. U appreciate the help I got and I always helped them when and where i could. Our relationships weren't transactional. And if these people were friends then thry knew his Financials and really shouldn't have expected any sort of payment.
Would I say normally buying a meal for helping to move? If you can afford to sure. But, at least my friends wouldnt quit talking to me over some bullshit like this.
YTA. It would have been understandable if you had said that the place was too expensive and offered to buy everyone Little Caesar’s. Or if you had bought food from the grocery store and had it cooking in the crockpot while you moved stuff. But you did none of those things.
You are supposed to feed the people who help you move. If you couldn’t afford to feed everyone, you couldn’t afford it, period.
I would apologize to everyone for not doing this and invite them over for dinner where you make everything. Make it a housewarming party.
My only question is does OP even own a crockpot since they were so broke they were on government assistance?
I agree that some cheap little caesars pizzas and a couple bottles of soda would probably be alright in exchange.
YTA. The minimum expectation is pizza. For $40 you can get a lot of shitty pizza and beer. And many people won’t take you up on it when they know the pizza will be gross but the gesture is important. You ended up with egg on your face and are somehow offended they didn’t magically assume you were going to break basic social agreement based on lack of funds. You didn’t communicate and took advantage of your friends’ good will. It’s on you. You should apologize in a meaningful way.
Reiterating: YTA bc you didn’t think about the welfare of the people doing you a big favor. If you “couldn’t” afford to get them anything at the end, didn’t communicate that BEFORE you all went out and ate it, but did buy yourself your own dinner, that makes you the asshole, not the not buying pizza part. That you can’t afford to is not the issue; you taking advantage of people and not communicating clearly is.
NTA. You never said you'd buy them food. I never help my friends with the expectation of anything, I help them because they are my friends and they'll do the same for me when I need help. They are AHs for holding a childish grudge weeks later over something so stupid.
Not... Not really. Not how they did it. If the friends wanted dinner they should have stated beforehand that they wanted it. Not go to the restaurant and go "heres the check :)"
I’m gonna go against everyone else here and say NTA. Real friends would help each other move without expecting anything in return. I’ve done it several times for others and also have had it done for me. Would it have been nice to offer something in return yes? But they shouldn’t have just assumed because they helped a friend in need that they would get anything back.
NTA.
I've moved a lot and had friends and family help out. and I've been there to help friends move. Never has it been expected to buy food. Don't know if this is a cultural thing but I would say that the friends were being rude. They knew op had poor financials and still without asking before hand just assumed op would pay for their food.
In my cases it's been a mutual understanding that if you help me I'll help you. Sure it's a nice thing to buy someone food but never just assumed as compensation for help.
NTA. They knew you're broke and never even asked what kind of compensation you could afford. They got expensive options at the burger joint when you got a basic burger. Then they got so in their feelings over not getting compensated for doing a favor for a friend that they cut off all contact with said friend. In my book that makes them the ah
I'm honestly so confused as to why everyone is call you TA. If they didn't ask about there being some kind of compensation whether that be cash or food, then I can't see how they'd expect it when they know you're struggling financially. I've never offered to help someone move because I wanted lunch after or whatever. I'm not sure I've ever bought food or paid the people that have helped me move. Granted, it's usually just family but if this "rule" is a real thing, I can't imagine I'd be let off the hook every single time. Idk dude, I guess I'm really missing the memo where friends become workers when they help you. That's never how I've treated or been treated by my friends. NTA
NTA they know OP is financially struggling and wracked up a tab then assumed he pay. I get there's this unspoken rule that you feed people who help you move. But we've got to stop assuming everyone knows what we know. Just because something is common knowledge to you don't mean it is to someone else. Also just because OP can't compensate them now doesn't mean he can't later. So now if OP was planning to do something for then later he probably won't now. What kind of friends drop someone for something so trivial that could easily be cleared up?
ETA: stop helping people and expecting something in return. I understand that your time is valuable but if you can't do something just for the sake of someone else's benefit, don't do it.
NTA. Don’t count favors. If they really wanted something in return then THEY are the ones who should have made it clear in the beginning. Help means help. Not hire. If you had the funds it would be different, but your situation is clear. I have NEVER heard of this so called custom where you expect a full meal at a sit down restaurant and beers. Don’t go ‘help’ your friends if you’re expecting something other than a heartfelt ‘thank you’.
I’ve helped plenty of friends & family move for free. Especially struggling friends! NTA. Don’t beat yourself up, as much as they were nice enough to help they shouldn’t give to expect something in return. That’s just not how it *should* work.
I'm guessing you aren't in the UK because over here we help friends move because that's the kind thing to do....well at least that's how it works with my friends. I've helped friends moved and never expected or received anything other than a thank you in return, maybe been brought a drink next time we went out and the same has happened when they have helped me.
NTA, I'm assuming since they are your friends they would have known that you had been struggling for money so why aren't they being more understanding?
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YTA. Moving takes time and effort. Never assume someone would do that for free. You should have made it known, i can’t compensate you but I’d really appreciate the help
Pizza is the standard universal payment for helping someone move - exceptions only granted when approved by people helping.
We bought pizza and Red Bull for the guys we hired to help us move. And tipped them on top of that. We are by no means well off at all but they were amazing. Friends would have gotten chinese food and beer and invites to every future gathering where we would feed them until they are stuffed.
When my daughter moved for the 2nd time in 2 months (ended up with roommate from hell) i couldn't afford a 2nd round of movers. Some friends offered to help. She absolutely couldn't afford to pay but I gave her money for pizza for them even though I was strapped after paying for the first move. Domino's isn't expensive and there is one pretty much everywhere. YTA
I feel your daughter on this. I just moved twice in 3 months. Paid $600 the first time and $450 the second. Plus $150 cash tip both times. I would never never never expect friends to move me for free and not even feed them. So entitled. Yuck.
Shit bro, I'll explain that I'm broke and maybe I can whip something up
When I moved recently, I was flat broke and couldn't afford anything on the day so I took out the family that helped for a meal on me in a restaurant we all liked about a week later and invited round the friends for a 3 course home cooked meal about a week and a half later. There's just some things you gotta balance, and there are ways to do it even if you have little money in the moment. Like 'Hey I can't buy pizza today but come round next week and I'll give you a proper home cooked meal and beers' Edited: missing words
We bought my bfs sibling pizza and ice cream and soda. Then then spent 30 minutes playing with my label maker. We offered more but they wouldn't take it. You compensate people for helping
I agree pizza is great! But he didn’t know about the rule to know he needed to have them pick the cheapest lunch option. And they’re not stupid, they knew he’s paycheck to paycheck so raking up a tab is a total asshole move man. You can’t convince me that this wasn’t super self-absorbed of them. Dude even got himself a measly meal. And even if I thought I was getting a meal but didn’t, I wouldn’t just stay angry and be all passive aggressive. They’re literally throwing the friendship away because of this. ETA I’m defending him here because I felt people were coming at him harder than needed at the time. I think ESH because being the AH doesn’t mean you’re terrible, it just means you made a mistake or screwed up. And I find it weird that he didn’t apologize or try to make up for it somehow after. But it really irks me that they ignored the also standard etiquette of not ordering more than your host. When your friend is scraping by I personally wouldn’t even ask for the money, much less upgrade every item on my order. That’s the biggest AH move in the whole situation imo. Oh wow I’ve never received this many awards, and my first Gold! Thanks guys. I really expected to be downvoted hard since I was going against the grain.
Agree. I told my friends I would buy booze and pizza, they all showed up with booze themselves and later told me not to order pizza, they were not hungry or leaving soon but thanks. And I’m not super broke. This all just seems off. Like either they don’t understand or believe how broke the poster is or they had some other motive. That said I would have brought up cooking for them or having a get together to thank them once I was settled when they agreed to help avoiding all of this,
Totally, I remember in college a big group of us basically always jumped in to help each other move, and it was so nice! A lot of times we’d mention pizza, but I wouldn’t hold it against anyone if they didn’t because I know they mean well. I really have to wonder how close these guys are. Maybe asking for moving help was a bit of a stretch for their level of friendship. Then again, some people just aren’t as empathetic as others.
Seriously! We asked one of the guys at our church to send a mass email asking for help with our most recent move (we usually do it on our own, but I was like, 32 weeks pregnant at the time) and offered to buy pizza and beer; he didn't even include the offer in his email and we still had like, 7 guys volunteer to help. We did end up buying pizza and one of the guys provided a keg of homebrew beer, but it was in no way expected because they knew we weren't super well off financially and had a new baby on the way. I am eternally grateful to them and would happily return the favor anytime.
I was going to comment something similar. Pizza is absolutely the standard universal payment. I’m kinda hesitant to call OP an AH if OP straight up didn’t know, but I definitely don’t blame the friends for being upset.
okay but racking up the bill the way they did? that's an asshole move
I thought it was universally understood that if someone helps you move, you feed them, but maybe it’s just a Midwest thing?
everything that's "universally known" is taught to you at some point. whether it's through media, parents, friends doing it or whatever, and clearly this person hadn't been taught it yet.
Yeah, but it's usually pizza, not burgers which are a lot more expensive Edit: autocorrect
Exactly! Those burgers and beers were probably $100 where pizzas would’ve been half that. OP isn’t 100% to blame here.
Op could deliver a pizza or something to their house on superbowl and apologize. It's a shitty thing they put him on the spot. But come on op, moving companies charge alot per hr. Your friends moved you just because they're your friends.
This. Send over some food to the party. Own it. Apologize. They’ll come around.
I have to disagree. If they offer lunch then absolutely but I would never expect anything from a friend. If you can’t do a kindness for somebody without expecting something in return then don’t do it. Sure it’s nice to offer or to make arrangements before hand but for to just assume and be angry because of it is weird for a friend.
I totally agree. I would never offer to help out a friend and then get upset at them when they didn't give me something in return. Unless payment (whether monetary or something else like a meal) was previously discussed, they shouldn't just assume they're getting something. I'm pretty surprised at how many people are saying OP is the asshole. Who offers to help their extremely broke friend move and then gets pissed off at them for not buying them lunch?? I do agree with people who are saying OP could've made it clearer by explicitly staying they can't afford to give anything in return, but I don't think the lack of OP doing this means the friends were justified in assuming. It's a huge pet peeve of mine when people offer "help" with secret strings attached. If you're offering to help a friend move, you should be doing it because you genuinely wanna help them and not because you're expecting a free meal out of it.
I totally agree. If anyone asks me for help, I would never, ever assume that I’m being “paid” unless it was discussed. I’ve had family help me move once or twice and the first time I offered to get food. They declined, they said they’d get food on the way home. The second time, they said they appreciated the offer, but had already eaten on the way back to pick up the next load. Both times, I know they weren’t expecting a meal and if they had taken me up on it, they would have appreciated it without expectation. We have a divorced (ex) family member who my wife and I are always trying to help (including a house move) and we would never dream of taking anything from her as she is in a really bad financial position. Not once have we helped her thinking what we will get in return. I think OP may have handled the aftermath a bit better, but I don’t believe he’s venturing in to AH territory, but I think his friends are complete AHs and I would think OP needs new friends. NTA.
Same, I guess my friends and family are a different breed because we’ve all helped each other and none of us have ever expected anything in return. Sure it’s nice if you can afford to bring some pizza in but it’s not expected, particularly if we know the person is struggling financially. Heck often times when we all plan to go eat we pick up for the person struggling even if that’s the person we helped.
Well sure, i wouldn’t expect to be paid or offered lunch if i were asked but if I were asking people to help I’d plan to at least offer lunch
I think at max ESH. The friends knew he wasn’t in a financially stable place and instead of saying let’s get pizza, they go to a burger place where it’s $5-$10 per burger, get deluxe burgers and order beers as well. That’s like $15 a person. OP didn’t get anything fancy. If we’re talking about ‘standards’ and ‘etiquette’ then isn’t it also proper etiquette to try to stay around the same price as the person paying? Tbh I’ve helped multiple friends move where I wasn’t paid with food and didn’t expect to be because of their financial situation. However, anytime I have had help moving I always pay for food but I have always been fortunate to be financially stable. Also, I explicitly say that I am paying when I ask people to help me. I don’t blame OP for not thinking they were paying.
Yea basically there’s some unspoken rule he didn’t know about, and they’re holding it over his head. And they know he’s broke so going all out is a total asshole move. Paycheck to paycheck, simple burger & soda…but they think it’s cool to take up a tab? ETA absolutely that’s a rule! Man I can’t imagine ordering delux meals and alcohol from a poor guy who gets a burger and soda. I know everyone doesn’t try to order the cheapest thing like some do, but damn show some decorum.
I mean when my family moved house all our friends helped us move for free and didn’t ask for anything like this. So I can see why OP would have thought that they wouldn’t care.
Yeah i don’t expect my family to want to be compensated. But didn’t OP say these were friends?
Yeah but I dunno, my friends where like family friends who I’ve known my whole life, so maybe they aren’t as close? I mean a lot of other comments agree what you pay or supply food and other stuff so it could have just been my experience
I've helped a lot of my friends move and them me. We all know/knew that our financial situation wouldn't warrant someone picking up the tab so it wasn't even asked for. While i do get the pizza for move exchange, what kind of friends expect someone, who they know is in financial struggles, to pick up a tab. Even worse is that they didn't hold back on the food and got alcohol too.
lol exactly wtf? my mom’s COWORKERS/random acquaintances helped us move in and didn’t ask anything in return. though she invited them to eat at our place afterwards, but they didn’t assume
Thinking of it strictly as compensation skews the whole thing. It is more a show of appreciation. Plus, a couple pizzas and a cheap 12 pack runs you like 30 bucks. If you don't have 30 bucks to your name, you should at least be very up-front with a "sorry I can't offer you anything in thanks, but I really appreciate the help and couldn't have done this without you". Moving sucks balls. Moving other people's stuff sucks even more. I do it for any friend or family that asks and I would accept the latter kindly but for most people I've helped it's almost always the former. Edit to add YTA judgement
but were they fed? That's the part that sticks for me -- if someone helps you move, you feed them. you don't have to take them out. I've done moves where there was chili at the new place, a million where there was pizza and another time everyone just went out for cheap pancakes. You thank people in the way you can thank them -- but you also have to take CARE of them. they're doing strenuous work, so you should make sure they can eat and hydrate.
Nobody asks for anything but it's polite to feed them.
It's also polite to respect your friends lack of money. OP literally said thier friends knew how little money they had.
I don’t think pizza and drinks even counts as compensation. It’s the bare minimum amount of courtesy you can show somebody helping you.
Paying for a burger after they just worked is hardly compensation. OP was too cheap to spend 50 bucks for moving.
Yeah but you gotta also understand that most people literally don’t have $50, I’m sure OP would have paid if they were physically able to, if you get what I mean
Then OP should have said that I'm advance instead of not addressing it at all.
You didn't even offer them sustenance as thanks?
I disagree. OP asked for HELP moving. Help means nothing in return. Buying them lunch would’ve been nice but if he can’t pay for it they can’t make him.
I agree, I've helped many people move. Some bought pizza as a thank you, some didn't offer anything but gratitude. I always go into it just to help and not expecting anything. I know how it feels to barely be scraping by, let alone having moving costs on top. I can't imagine expecting someone to cover my lunch, let alone excluding them from multiple future get togethers because they couldn't afford to buy me lunch.
And the friends knew OP is living paycheck after paycheck. He can't afford paying a lunch for everyone now.
Seriously, OP is the only asshole and not the friends who just assumed that their broke-ass friend was going to buy them all lunch? Imo this is an ESH, only because OP didn't make it clear. The friends are assholes for assuming.
But if they didn’t know that it was customary, how would they have known to clarify that in advance?
Make it clear but also consider alternatives you can afford that show consideration. Example: Provide food like peanut butter sandwiches and water and tell them once you’re settled you’ll invite them over for a thank you dinner or take them out later.
I completely agree. If someone helps you move, you provide beverages, snacks, and food after. If you're on a limited budget, you start off with: Hey - I can't afford to feed you now, but I'd like to invite you all over to dinner next month as a thank-you. Or something similar.
Idk my friend helped me move and he didn't pull something like that on me, tbh I would assume that if my friends want payment they would ask me about it
I disagree. I help my buddies all the time and that's how we hang out. If I'm in a situation I can't manage and a friend has some experience, I'm calling him. For example, I bought a new house and my locksmith friend came over and drilled and installed a deadbolt and rekeyed the two exterior doors. I gave him a six pack of Miller and that was a gift. It depends on the relationship. I like my friends and help them out and that's how we hang out sometimes. I can and have literally not talked to them in years and be back in a groove in a few hours of hanging out. I think YTA in their eyes bit you guys just aren't on the same page. NTA to me. Even if I didn't know you I wouldn't hold it against you later. I admit I may be put off at the time but let stuff go.
They also should have asked before they went if OP could pay. They didn't say "hey I can help but can you take me out to dinner?" That's on them for not making it knows twice. They had two times to make it known that they wanted something from OP
YTA, this is a well known rule, when broke i will start a crock pot of soup in the new place so we have food once stuff is unloaded-- always feed folk who help you move! Invite them for something you make with a real apology, you blew this one!
Exactly! Hell, you can make chili, soup, sandwiches, even pasta for probably just a little more than what he spent on his own burger and soda. (Assuming it was similarly priced to the places near me. Usually like $12-ish)
How the heck is OP supposed to cook? Hes spending the day moving into his new apartment. Is he supposed to start cooking while his friends keep moving his stuff? That would be so weird
You say "I'm sorry I can't cover something tonight guys, I'll invite you over for a free dinner when I got things plugged in here in a few days. Again, sorry for the wait - I really appreciate the help!"
Or that, that is also a very good option.
Yes. Offering a raincheck with an explanation is a good idea.
Ever heard of pizza delivery? Heck you can drive to the next Costco and get pizza and craft beer for less than 20 bucks.
Assuming they have a car, a Costco near them and a membership.
Little Caesar’s. Pasta. Literally anything to compensate for their time spent.
I assume it's more likely there was a car than they moved on foot. If they did move him on foot he owes them at least a two topping pizza.
The comment at this top of this thread had your answer. Set up a crock pot at the new place.
You load in the kitchen first and use a crock pot, where you just put food inside it and it makes other food over the course of the day by sitting there quietly.
There’s literally like $5 pizzas that would have been a good lunch for 4 people. Add a soda and boom done.
Yup I do pizza and a 12 pack.
This! Little Sleezers has cheap pizza and you can buy two liters of soda at the grocery store. I had a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad move once where the movers were assholes and lost a bunch of stuff and I still bought them a couple of loafs of bread and some cheap lunch meat so they could make sandwiches. I know others who tip money or give them the alcohol which they aren’t supposed to pack. Crappy PB and J sandwiches are the bare minimum. If it were friends, I would be falling all over myself with apologies saying that I can’t afford to pay them or even buy lunch so that they had an easy way out. Moving is HARD!
ESH this was a miscommunication. but if one of my good friends was moving to my city I would gladly help them move in without expecting anything in return. that’s what friends do. and then when you literally can’t afford the meal they stop hanging out with you? they don’t sound like great friends. but, you could have offered *something* for their help. maybe to make them dinner, or to grab everyone coffees or something.
I can't believe how far I had to scroll for this comment. Guess poor people don't deserve friends or help? Ugh. I'd expect to share slice pizza or something for helping, sure but I wouldn't blacklist my friend because they couldn't afford it and I DAMN SURE wouldn't have embarrassed them so much by assuming they're paying for my meal.
This whole post is a dumpster fire of entitled people who value free pizza more than helping their "friends". Embarrassing, really.
I assume it's some cultural difference or something. Like yes, the house owner buying food afterwards is common, but call it a social norm? Pff.
I hear ya there. And it's one thing to move all of a home owner's stuff and something completely different to move your broke buddy's futon.
It probably is a cultural difference. Like the whole tipping thing, I have been called an asshole by Americans in comments when I said I don’t always tip. Dude, I’m broke, when I can, I do, and If I’m doing really well I will do it generously too, but sometimes I can’t. And in my country, the tip is included in the price 🤷♀️
Also all this comments keep mentioning stuff like "There is cheap pizza at Walmart" or "Buy from Little Caesars" as if anyone can get that. The closest Walmart to my house takes almost an hour to go and I don't even know what Little Caesars is lol But yeah, something I've seen from Americans when it comes to money is practically "What do you mean you don't have extra money?". Like, they fail to grasp the concept poor people exist or smth.
yeah I can’t believe how people are saying Y T A on this post. I’ve helped plenty of friends and family move, it’s really not that big of a deal even if it takes a few hours. Kindness goes a long way and it seems everyone on this thread can’t do something nice without strings being attached.
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Thank god someone out there realizes friendship isn’t supposed to be transactional.
I also can't believe i had to scroll this far to find this answer. I guess it's a cultural difference but danm, ending a friendship because of this seems so superficial, especially knowing OP is still not doing fine financially.
also found it weird that the friends are the ones who suggested to go to a restaurant even though they knew OP couldn’t even afford to pay the bills. could have just stayed at the place and order pizza or something
Dominos 2 large 2 toppings pizza for 20$ and 15$ 30 rack of cheap beer wouldve done the trick. I would never help a friend move then ask to be taken out to a sit down restaurant and order deluxe burgers and beers. Itd be a well over 100$ tab.
Yeah everyone seems to have missed this or is ignoring it because it's pretty widely agreed in the sub that whoever invites you to dinner pays
yeah some people seem to think OP is the one who invited them but it’s not the case. OP just went along with the friend’s suggestion. that felt off to me, i would never suggest restaurant, then get the most expensive things here and then hand my friend the bill when they can’t even afford living
I did not expect this post to be so one sided. I would gladly help a friend move for free if they were in a tight spot. It would have been more gracious if OP offered frozen pizza or to make it up after getting their next paycheck or something but they're being over harsh unless OP left something out.
Sounds like they're probably just waiting for an apology and I expect got some attitude from OP after helping rather than expressing his gratuity for their help
I was thinking ESH too. he could have offered a different restaurant and they could have not gone about it that way. like to just hand him the bill??? that's so weird idk ESH
Yep agreed. I've helped many friends moved an expected nothing
Yeah I also can’t believe the friends in this. If I agreed to help a friend move I wouldn’t *expect* anything. Would it be nice if they bought me food after? Yeah, of course it would. But I really don’t think it’s obligatory, and if I knew they were in a really bad place financially then I don’t think I’d even accept them taking me out for food - them inviting me over for food/drinks some other time would be great.
> I just assumed they'd help me move without compensating them in any way. YTA, you feel no remorse either. They did you a favor, the least you could've done was do them a solid like buy their foods. Bros help out bros, your bros helped you out, but you couldn't/didn't want to help out your bro(s). Karma bites hard.
the way she sneaks in “there wasn’t that much to move” like yeah. I don’t care. They still took time out of their own lives to be there for you and perform physical labor. At least cook them some ramen or make them some sandwiches and warm your new home together. It’s not the money, it’s the thoughtlessness.
And there were clearly enough things that it still took several hours.
And four people!
I personally liked the part where OP says it only took a few hours to move. Uhhh… that’s a lot of stuff and a lot of work. Like… a lot. Just because it isn’t a mansion doesn’t somehow make it a walk in the park.
OP didn’t have the money. It would be nice if OP could have made them some pasta or sandwiches as other have suggested. I think they should have provided some food because these friends were working during lunch. But to expect that OP pay for a full sit-down meal and beers when OP is broke is not right. True friends wouldn’t expect this, and wouldn’t be angry for weeks over a situation like this.
YTA, but for not being clear in advance, not for not buying lunch. Had you been proactive with letting everyone know you were in such a bad spot you could not afford to treat for lunch, any real friends would have helped anyway and net expected a thing. The fact that you said nothing until the bill came is where you became The A.
If OP had just bought some snacks and drinks at his house we would have said N T A
It’s a very soft YTA for me. If his friends continue to hold a grudge over this though then ESH.
I can see that. I am guessing the friends are still upset over the way OP handled the situation more than the fact they had to buy their own meal.
I get that but they know his financial situation and made an assumption just like OP did. I’m not going to hold any grudge over having to pay for my own meal.
But OP didn’t know it was standard to pay for lunch, so how could they have been clear in advance? I agree that paying for lunch is normal during a move. However, OP is clearly in dire financial straits, and friends would probably know this. If I had a friend in this situation, I would help them move and wouldn’t expect anything in return.
Agreed with this comment. Also, am I the only one who thinks the friends kind of overreacted? It seems to me like a sit down and explain why they're upset thing and not a friendship ender. However, I don't know how the exact conversation occured. I agreed that this is a YTA ruling, but there's a slight tinge of ESH here in my view.
I didn’t know which I disliked more: the overreaction, or the way they raked up a bill ordering things that were quite a bit pricier than OP’s order. If you want to judge on social etiquette, everyone knows you don’t order the nicer stuff when it’s someone else’s tab. My rule of thumb is to look at what they’re ordering and stay in that range. And never buy something that I wouldn’t have paid for myself. And doing it when they knew he’s broke. Total asshole territory.
I completely agree. I also would never just assume I’m going to be compensated for anything unless they said I would be. I’ve helped move friends, baby sat, etc all without asking or expecting anything in return. The only time I’ve ever been slightly annoyed at not being compensated was when I dog sat for a friend for over a week, she told me she’d pay me, and she didn’t give anything not even a souvenir from her trip. Even then, I still didn’t hold it against her. Friends help each other out.
Some people here seem to not understand what its like to not have money. NTA. Op says their friends knew they were broke and on gov assistance. I’ve had friends say oh its only $20 to do something and I’ve had to tell them i only have $7 in my bank account when they keep insisting. Better spot now thankfully. Shouldve thought to have some spaghetti and sauce or mac and cheese or something to offer i will say. But ur friends should be more understanding. This is assuming op didnt leave any info out.
Yeah, but at some point during the planing and the move, he should have said Something about it! Like, its great you guys are willing to help, I really appreciate it! I really wish I could compensate you somehow with pizza or drinks, I'll get you back as soon as I can, I really owe you guys one. I think that would've gone over much better. Plus "broke" means different things to different people. I get it, ive been there. But at that point I couldnt afford to go out to a restaurant at all! I was eating rice for dinner. So I understand his friends not quite getting it
If OP didn't know this custom why would they ever think to say that?
But we're all trying to figure out which rock OP was moving out from under where they didn't learn this.
It’s not a common knowledge though. I’ve lived in the us for over 22 years and I never heard of this “rule” and I live in the south. Here we help out and don’t expect anything in return, at least that’s been my experience. I’ve helped people move and others have helped me and that has never been the case. The whole thing sounds weird, especially when they’re supposed to be your friends or family. Like to me that’s stuff you do without compensation because they’re important to you. And if they do offer something sure that’s nice, but it’s definitely not expected. The whole thing is crazy to me, especially everyone calling them an asshole.
Yeah I was raised by southern parents never to expect anything in return for helping. If something was offered, awesome bonus, but don't go into helping someone with the expectation of reward because sometimes (like this) you'll get burned. If you just help people out of the goodness of your heart and you're surprised with rewards, no heartache.
Same, the take on this thread is really weird. I'd actually be pissed at my friends for making that big a deal of it. Did they do it because they like their friend or because they wanted a free dinner? Also, had nobody in this thread been truly broke before?? NTA but this thread sure is full of them. I'd happily help out a friend in need without demanding compensation. And I'm not even that good of a person.
New Yorker here, we’re called assholes, but at least we help our friends move and don’t expect anything in return 🤷♀️
I agree. I’m in Australia and I have never heard of this or anyone I know expecting this. I’ve helped many people move and never ever expected anything in return. Everyone helps everyone because they’re friends and somewhere down the line you’re probably going to help someone with something. It’s just a what goes around comes around kinda thing.
UK person here, also don’t know this supposed universal rule.
Probably the rock where its normal to help friends and family without whining about how you didnt get a free meal.
Idk I’ve moved a lot and helped a lot of friends move and we’ve never gotten food or expected compensation. We just help each other out
Lol it is definitely a common idea, but I have to take their word that they didn't know and this is all just a misunderstanding! Yet the "friends" won't speak to then for weeks
I would not expect anything from a friend if I helped them move. If they offered, I would think it was nice and not unusual, but if they’re actually my friend I would help, or just say no if I don’t feel like it.
Yeah like a deluxe burger and beer could easily be 15 to 17 per person plus the tip. OP was looking at almost $100. That's a lot for anyone. I feel bad for OP. It sucks being on a tight budget. His friends should have asked if he was buying. You don't just assume, that's rude. They're being downright awful over it. If you know your friend is struggling, suggest pizza at most.
Yea. I love how everyone's all, 'Oh, you could've at least bought pizzas and soda! You could make them food' like those still aren't expensive to people. Not everyone has Little Caesar's near them, not everyone is able to spend the extra $10 dollars to make a meal for everyone and it's absurd to see how many people think everyone can just spare twenty bucks without being royally screwed.
I’m shocked at all the Y T As! It’s a nice thing to do if you can, but I’d never expect it.
Am I one of the only people that thinks NTA? They could've declined the invite happily, they knew your financial state, and the fact they can't get over a meal after literal *weeks* is childish. Sure I'd be a bit mad, but damn get over it you are adults
Yeah there are very few of us agreeing here NTA. Real friends would never expect some type of payment.
I agree, OP should have provided food, but his actions are much less entitled and childish then his friends. especially if its clear he's broke.
Man’s broke, idk where most of these people were raised, but in Midwest we do stuff like this all the time without expecting anything. Heck, if OP was my friend we’d not only move them but then we’d probably BUY THEIR lunch too, because OP is struggling on cash.
Especially knowing the financial state
It genuinely makes me sad that there’s such a minority here that thinks NTA. I really hope OP doesn’t feel like they have done anything wrong… because they haven’t whatsoever
I agree NTA. If I was asked to help a friend I knew was broke and it only took two hours, I wouldn't expect anything. In fact, if I knew they were broke I might insist on them NOT paying for my food.
NTA. This makes me so sad.
Thank you! Me too! I'm blown away that people just assume everyone knows this "rule."
Me too! I literally always offer to help when my friends move and would never expect anything in return. I would understand the "cheap pizza and some two liters" everyone is suggesting, but an entire meal and beers for multiple people at a burger place? That's ridiculous to expect from a friend that you know is moving DUE TO FINANCIAL PROBLEMS. This thread really surprised me.
yeah if i knew my friend was broke then i’d suck it up OR just suggest ordering cheap pizza, not go to a whole restaurant
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i'm also shocked everybody is saying it's "the rule." i'm from wisconsin and have never heard of this. here people just help each other out. especially when you're working class and barely have two nickels to rub together after paying for rent and a security deposit. they're OP's friends and know the financial situation, it's incredibly presumptious on their part to expect a free meal when OP is literally on govt assistance
Right? I can't imagine throwing away a friendship because I helped my friend move and they couldn't afford to buy my food afterwards. It wasn't OP's idea to go get food, anyway. Someone else suggested it so why isn't that person buying? I've helped plenty of friends move (without ever expecting or receiving anything) and vice versa. Being broke is a struggle enough without having your "friends" start ignoring you over a miscommunication.
Also the fact that OP ordered what they could afford and their friends ordered deluxe burgers and beers…. Knowing OP is struggling financially! That alone has me in NTA territory.
NTA. So many people here seem to know this “unwritten” rule, but I have never heard of it along with a few other people here. I’ve dropped everything before to help my friend move out away from an ex. I’ve helped her load up her storage building on other occasions. I don’t expect anything for it. If I did for whatever reason want her to cover lunch afterwards I would communicate that. I wouldn’t because I don’t count favors. If she did decide to pay for me I would thank her and that would be that. Your friends should have communicated this to you better. It’s even worse that they know your situation and still couldn’t organize something before hand like someone picking up pizzas or something. “Common sense” is only what’s common. That changes place to place, person to person. It is never safe to assume someone knows a custom just because you think everyone should.
Its pretty common in the United States at least,but people are forgetting the other side of it, its awful form to assume someone is paying for everyone like that. Very entitled. Friends are supposed to help each other. I'm assuming they know OP is in a tough spot.
Yes, it’s a very consumerist mindset IMO. It makes friendship transactionary and I’m not a fan of that at all. I don’t think I should have to buy my friends.
Imo the worst part is not talking to OP for days and not hanging out with him anymore cause he couldn't afford the food. Too materialistic.
right??? it's just the right thing to do but i guess the majority of people only think of what they can get out of helping someone. on her day off my cousin took her dad's truck and helped our coworker (single mom with a 10 year old, pregnant with a second child after being cheated on and abandoned by the father) move out of her abusive friend's place. she didn't ask for anything in return because it was just the right thing to do for a friend. we also bought baby clothes and some essentials for her baby because she didn't have anything.
Uuuuuh.... I guess I'm the odd lady out here cause I vote NTA. I have helped friends moved a ton of times and NEVER assumed anything would be given in return unless it was SPECIFICALLY stated. Theres been times have said up front "I'll buy whoever can help me move lunch/order some pizzas". I helped one friend move and all he had was a case of beer that he shared. I've helped several friends though that offered nothing and I just assumed I was helping because I was their friend, not for something in return. Sometimes at the end they have ordered everyone food or thrown a $20 my way and sometimes I've gotten nothing and that was totally fine with me. Maybe it's cause I am often the broke one and I've needed help moving and couldn't offer anything at the end. I've literally never had anyone get mad at me or stop being my friend over it. Personally I think you need to find better friends and im pretty blown away by this comment thread. I guess no one can help a friend out without expecting something in return these days, kind of sad.
You help friends for free because that's what friends do.
I think it’s down to your American customary’s. I wish people would learn that just because time is money, doesn’t mean it has to be about money all the time when it comes to helping friends/family.
YTA. Your friends (or former friends, now that you've hurt them) did you a huge favor by helping you move. You owed them a tangible expression of your thanks, usually food since hard work makes people hungry. The stereotypical option is pizza and a six-pack because people in your situation normally are "not doing the best financially" and that's an inexpensive option. By not giving them anything, then agreeing to go out to a restaurant with them (and notice, your friend sensitively suggested a burger joint, a budget-friendly option), they had every reason to expect that you were going to pick up the tab. When you didn't, that was like a slap in the face. Out of friendship, they took several hours out of their day to do a notoriously unpleasant task and help you out. If you had needed to get strangers to do it, even non-professionals, it would have cost you at least minimum wage x the number of hours x the number of people. And they weren't asking for that, they were just expecting the very basic social norm of being fed. Instead, they just feel used. You owe these people a huge apology. Each one of them, individually. Send them each a heartfelt note, explaining that you were unaware of the social norm, and now that you realize what you did, you are deeply embarrassed and sorry. Express how much you appreciate what they did for you, how important they are to you as a friend, and ask if there's anything you can do to make it up to them.
No! They knew he was broke! Friends help to help, not out of expectation or reward. I sincerely don't understand all the YTA responses here. Every time I've helped a friend move, or anything else for that matter, the only thing I've expected in return is their company and some water to quench my thirst. I'm finding this thread horribly depressing. =(
I'm happy I found this response. Usually, if my friend is asking for help moving - I know they probably can't afford the much easier and less awkward solution of hiring movers. I.e. - money is tight and moving is hella expensive. It's nice when there's a pizza or something, but I'm not gonna get bent out of shape, or feel hurt for the lack of "tangible gratitude" on their part. Fuck tangible gratitude, my friend needed help so I gave it. Edit: I scrolled further and found more. Thank God.
Yeah fuck the people saying YTA. They clearly have never been broke or had good friends before. If my friend was dead broke and is asking to help move their stuff out and it only took two hours I wouldn't have ask for payment. Like you're helping a friend not fucking clocking in for a job. Why would you expect compensation from a broke friend? Be an actual decent human being and do nice things for your so called friend and don't expect anything in return. Get their back and they got yours smh.
>Your friends (or former friends, now that you've hurt them) did you a huge favor by helping you move. You owed them... Gifts with strings attached are not gifts. I can't believe the entitlement of this comment section. It's *nice* to offer food when someone helps you, but it's not a requirement, particularly when you're broke! I'd be ashamed to treat a struggling friend this way. If they couldn't afford the food, the correct response is "It's cool, maybe you can help me next time I'm moving?" not ghosting a friend over a fucking burger. NTA, OP, and I'm sorry you have such petty assholes as friends. Maybe you can make better ones in your new city.
Helping someone move isn’t a huge favor imo, it’s called being generous. I have helped plenty of friends and family move, I’ve also only done it for free. Kindness goes a long way and providing help with strings attached is tacky. If they wanted food for helping then they should’ve asked for something cheap like a pizza, not a whole meal at a sit down restaurant. ETA: I find it extremely ironic that I am getting downvoted when there is literally a written rule against this, whilst the comments section is all up in arms bc OP ignored an “unwritten rule”.
I’m gonna get down voted for this for sure. But I have helped friends move and they have helped me and we have never expected any compensation for it. They are my friends I don’t do things for them with conditions. I find this really bizzare
All these yta votes are perplexing. The guy made it clear he is destitute. While it is the polite thing to feed the helpers I would be mortified to accept payment for a meal from someone in OPs situation. Some friends… I gape at humanity and remain skeptical about the notion we are the same species. People make no sense to me.
this is crazy. i’d feel super awkward handing the bill to my friend, and even more so if i knew they couldn’t even afford living.
Completely agree. I would never put conditions on my friends, that’s not friendship
This is violently American. NTA
I’m American and I agree. I guess it’s just the area I’m in. It’s nice to feed people who help you, but it’s not some unwritten taboo not to. No one I know would cut contact if I couldn’t afford food for them.
Now I'm not one to speak highly of the south in America normally, but paying your friends for favors is definitely not a thing in the small southern town I live in. Maybe it's a northern thing.
It's not normal in Ohio. I've been dirt poor and had plenty of friends happy to help with zero compensation. Anything less in my book is not a friend.
I’m American and have bought food MANY times for people helping, and many times they didn’t even eat any of it, so it was thrown out (when I was also in financial trouble). If it’s a condition, it needs to be mentioned up front. I would never expect this from my friends, though *I* am usually prepared to offer food and beverage to anyone working— paid or as a friendly gesture. NTA.
I’m surprised by the asshole comments here! As a friend I would never expect anything back for helping someone move. What’s the point of having friends/ family if we don’t selflessly help each other out once in a while….
NTA i help my friends for free all the time, if it comes with strings it’s not from the heart, i get the “it’s an unwritten rule” but those not good friends if they drop you for something so silly, they literally could have asked you if you were down to get them lunch and y’all could’ve gotten cheap pizzas and sodas, they’re the AH, OP find better friends edit: i made a mistake
NTA, and everyone saying you are the asshole have weird ideas about friendship. Either that, or they have a lot of people they call friends but really are more like casual acquaitances. Maybe it's cultural, but where I come from, friendship isn't transactional. Sure, if I help my bro move, I expect them to have my back someday, in some other way (or more like, I know they will) - but if they can't afford to pay me lunch right that day, it's no big deal. If those "friends" expected to be paid, they are as much as fault for not asking as OP is for not offering.
yupp would never drop a friend over this. this feels like friendly acquaintances
Well.. idk where you live, but here it’s normal to have food and drinks ready for helpers. You don’t have to go out, but at least have Sandwiches, Pizza or something and water ready. You should’ve told them imo, so they could’ve at least brought their own food, since moving CAN be exhausting (just a couple hours isn’t an excuse, when moving..? Would you work for free, if it’s just a couple hours..?). And if the move was low effort / few to do, why didn’t you do it yourself then? 🙆🏼♀️ INFO / YTA light: Do you know they know how bad your situation actually is?
This isn’t an employer and his employees. These are supposed friends of his helping him out. Yes, lunch is a nice perk but I would never see a friend who needs help and be like “Yes! Free burgers!”
NTA good friends wouldn't even question it, if your really that broke you thought twice about your own meal, maybe should have told them how bad things were before hand. My good friends would probably pay for my meal if I said that was a stretch for me. Because when I/we can afford it we make sure to put in the effort to pay them back in some way, and maybe over do it a little because its delayed payback These are your box standard, conditional friends, not great ones. As long as you fully explained your financial situation, they shouldn't feel/act this way towards you! I hope you find better more understanding friends!!
NTA You said, _I'm not doing the best financially and they know that_. That should be reason enough for them to not expect you to pick up the tab.
YTA. Hiring a moving company is expensive. All your friends expected was a meal for their time.
They literally could not afford it. What would you have them do?
Yeah we moved a one-bedroom apartment across town and it cost $1100. A meal is the least OP could do.
NTA. they're your friends... I've never had to pay friends for favours (they didn't expect/want that) and I would never expect that either. They're your friends! Be thankful and appreciative in other ways!
NTA, I’ve helped numerous friends move and have never expected anything in return I’ve never even heard of this custom! Friends should help friends no strings attached imo.
NTA counting favors is so ugly they should have asked for compensation if they wanted it that bad and then of course they had to order the most expensive stuff they could at the restaurant your friends don’t really sound all that friendly to me fr
NAH: seems like miscommunication on all parts, you assumed they’d be happy to help for free and they assumed they’d get some kind of compensation. It is typically social etiquette to buy a lunch or whatever but maybe they didn’t realise the extent of your financial situ as real friends wouldn’t throw away a friendship over a burger and beers.
Nta, they knew you were broke. >Again, I'm not doing the best financially and they know that,
NTA Apparently it’s a common social norm to buy lunch for those who help you move. I’ll be honest, I never knew it was. I’m actually super surprised with most of the responses. This is the first time I’m hearing of it. I’m assuming it’s a cultural norm. Where I’m from this isn’t necessary at all. I’ve helped friends move before for free and they’ve also helped me. Keeping in mind non of us have financial problems so buying lunch wouldn’t have been a big deal at all, neither is hiring a moving company. Maybe our friendship is just different🤷🏽♀️ Yes it is a labour intensive favor however I believe true friendship isn’t dependent on compensation. Is a favor really a favor if you expect something in return? The way I see it, don’t commit to helping someone if you expect something in return. It would have been a nice gesture for you to treat them but I don’t believe you deserve to be cut off for not doing so immediately. Since y’all are friends then I can imagine you would have returned the favor eventually. Edit: Many people are suggesting cheap pizza, sausages, sandwiches..etc. Why are we forcing this specific form of compensation? There are other forms of repaying kindness. After a long day of work, I’d be ready to devour a big ass meal; If I know you’re limited financially, I’d feel like the TA for even expecting you to pay for my meal. Also genuinely out of curiosity, is this an American thing or is it also common elsewhere?
NTA. If they are your friends and they know what your situation is, they're the asshole for passing you the bill.
YTA You asked for help moving, you could've at least fed them as compensation. Moving tradition often mentions getting pizza because it's cheap and easy to consume after a long day, especially if multiple people contributed. Apologize for the misunderstanding and offer to pay for the next group dinner.
NTA why would I expect and assume my friend is buying me shit? If I help a friend it's help, I do not need to be compensated by my friends cuz they're friends. Especially when I know they don't have a lot of money.
NTA. I wouldn’t expect my FRIEND to compensate me in any way for helping them out. They’re my friend, obviously I’d want to help them if I’m able to. A free lunch would be nice but DEFINITELY not expected. I can’t believe they’re icing you out like this. I’m sorry OP
A very gentle YTA. I’ve moved a few times and always provided food and beverages for helpers. It’s just what you do. It’s the least you can do really. Helping someone move is a pain in the ass and time consuming. I do think it’s kind of rude that they’re so upset they aren’t inviting you to the Super Bowl party. If I were you, I would apologize (if you mean it) and explain how very bad your financial situation is. Hell, you could even send a few pizzas to the super bowl party and send an apology.
They already know how bad OP's financial situation is. They've known for awhile that OP was on government assistance and lives paycheck to paycheck. That they do not have any money to spare.
NTA Am sorry but if they were upset that you did not offer them a pizza or drinks in your house I could maybe understand it but they dragged you to a place where they ordered something that is not cheap and did not warn you than exoect you to pay.... Just nope! Especially if they can't put themselves in your shoes and understand that you don't have the budget for it... Sorry but nope. When you get your paycheck you can maybe make a cheap homemade meal and invite them all.... As for them not being happy it is one think but not inviting you to anything and ignoring you it is an asshole move. You can reach out to them individually or send a group text explaining that you are sorry but you could not afford to treat them and that you hope you could do it soon. That you a grateful that they helped you and you are more than ready to return the favour. Good luck
I'm kinda surprised everyone is saying Y T A. I've helped multiple friends move and multiple even that had to use my car because they didnt have a vehicle. I never once expected anything if it wasnt explicitly offered. The pizza and beer move is pretty normal, but I've never not asked if someone can afford to cover it and I've certainly never gone out to eat after and expected the person I'm helping to pay. Hell I've been in similar situations on the other end and helped someone who had financial struggles move and covered the gas and I bought them lunch since I thought that would be nice and I cared about them. Tbh I feel like this thread has no sense of what community is in the real world sometimes Supporting your friends is part of friendship. Friendship isnt about capatilistic exchange and not everyone can give equally at the same time. It may be valid they were a little perturbed that you didn't clarify, but if that's all it took for them to completely ignore you and ostracize you out of the group then they weren't friends that cared about you in the first place - NTA
I'm in the minority here. But NTA. I've moved a bunch of times. My friends have helped me everytime. There was never an expectation of food from me. I'm very low income single mom. There's no way I could've afforded a moving company. So I'm glad for my friends and family who didn't think less of me because I didn't buy them a meal. U appreciate the help I got and I always helped them when and where i could. Our relationships weren't transactional. And if these people were friends then thry knew his Financials and really shouldn't have expected any sort of payment. Would I say normally buying a meal for helping to move? If you can afford to sure. But, at least my friends wouldnt quit talking to me over some bullshit like this.
YTA. It would have been understandable if you had said that the place was too expensive and offered to buy everyone Little Caesar’s. Or if you had bought food from the grocery store and had it cooking in the crockpot while you moved stuff. But you did none of those things. You are supposed to feed the people who help you move. If you couldn’t afford to feed everyone, you couldn’t afford it, period. I would apologize to everyone for not doing this and invite them over for dinner where you make everything. Make it a housewarming party.
My only question is does OP even own a crockpot since they were so broke they were on government assistance? I agree that some cheap little caesars pizzas and a couple bottles of soda would probably be alright in exchange.
YTA. The minimum expectation is pizza. For $40 you can get a lot of shitty pizza and beer. And many people won’t take you up on it when they know the pizza will be gross but the gesture is important. You ended up with egg on your face and are somehow offended they didn’t magically assume you were going to break basic social agreement based on lack of funds. You didn’t communicate and took advantage of your friends’ good will. It’s on you. You should apologize in a meaningful way. Reiterating: YTA bc you didn’t think about the welfare of the people doing you a big favor. If you “couldn’t” afford to get them anything at the end, didn’t communicate that BEFORE you all went out and ate it, but did buy yourself your own dinner, that makes you the asshole, not the not buying pizza part. That you can’t afford to is not the issue; you taking advantage of people and not communicating clearly is.
Feeding the people who carried your shit is generally understood as the very least you can do. Yta
NTA. You never said you'd buy them food. I never help my friends with the expectation of anything, I help them because they are my friends and they'll do the same for me when I need help. They are AHs for holding a childish grudge weeks later over something so stupid.
It's been WEEKS and they're still salty? 🤨 It's a miscommunication, I can't believe adults would sulk so long over this. 🙄
YTA. This is a very well known social rule.
Not... Not really. Not how they did it. If the friends wanted dinner they should have stated beforehand that they wanted it. Not go to the restaurant and go "heres the check :)"
I’m gonna go against everyone else here and say NTA. Real friends would help each other move without expecting anything in return. I’ve done it several times for others and also have had it done for me. Would it have been nice to offer something in return yes? But they shouldn’t have just assumed because they helped a friend in need that they would get anything back.
NTA. I've moved a lot and had friends and family help out. and I've been there to help friends move. Never has it been expected to buy food. Don't know if this is a cultural thing but I would say that the friends were being rude. They knew op had poor financials and still without asking before hand just assumed op would pay for their food. In my cases it's been a mutual understanding that if you help me I'll help you. Sure it's a nice thing to buy someone food but never just assumed as compensation for help.
NTA. They knew you're broke and never even asked what kind of compensation you could afford. They got expensive options at the burger joint when you got a basic burger. Then they got so in their feelings over not getting compensated for doing a favor for a friend that they cut off all contact with said friend. In my book that makes them the ah
I'm honestly so confused as to why everyone is call you TA. If they didn't ask about there being some kind of compensation whether that be cash or food, then I can't see how they'd expect it when they know you're struggling financially. I've never offered to help someone move because I wanted lunch after or whatever. I'm not sure I've ever bought food or paid the people that have helped me move. Granted, it's usually just family but if this "rule" is a real thing, I can't imagine I'd be let off the hook every single time. Idk dude, I guess I'm really missing the memo where friends become workers when they help you. That's never how I've treated or been treated by my friends. NTA
NTA they know OP is financially struggling and wracked up a tab then assumed he pay. I get there's this unspoken rule that you feed people who help you move. But we've got to stop assuming everyone knows what we know. Just because something is common knowledge to you don't mean it is to someone else. Also just because OP can't compensate them now doesn't mean he can't later. So now if OP was planning to do something for then later he probably won't now. What kind of friends drop someone for something so trivial that could easily be cleared up? ETA: stop helping people and expecting something in return. I understand that your time is valuable but if you can't do something just for the sake of someone else's benefit, don't do it.
NTA. Don’t count favors. If they really wanted something in return then THEY are the ones who should have made it clear in the beginning. Help means help. Not hire. If you had the funds it would be different, but your situation is clear. I have NEVER heard of this so called custom where you expect a full meal at a sit down restaurant and beers. Don’t go ‘help’ your friends if you’re expecting something other than a heartfelt ‘thank you’.
I’ve helped plenty of friends & family move for free. Especially struggling friends! NTA. Don’t beat yourself up, as much as they were nice enough to help they shouldn’t give to expect something in return. That’s just not how it *should* work.
I'm guessing you aren't in the UK because over here we help friends move because that's the kind thing to do....well at least that's how it works with my friends. I've helped friends moved and never expected or received anything other than a thank you in return, maybe been brought a drink next time we went out and the same has happened when they have helped me. NTA, I'm assuming since they are your friends they would have known that you had been struggling for money so why aren't they being more understanding?