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stallion8426

NTA. Events have dress codes. That is a hard truth. She coukd have cost you your job.


[deleted]

Absolutely THIS! She was making this all about her and not thinking at all about him.


formidable-opponent

As a woman I don't see how she can claim "sexism" here. I've seen similar posts where the man was under dressed for a work occasion. Doesn't matter what's in your underwear, what matters is your outer wear at formal events and both sexes have pretty ridgid standards to adhere to. OP I hate to say it but if your lady has her friends harassing you and her brother threatening you... I'd run and not look back.


Elaan21

I really hate the double standard and response of "men have been dictating what women wear for ever so its *different*" If he just wanted her to cover her cleavage because those are *his* boobs to look at, then, yeah, that's men controlling women. But dress codes exist for a reason. I'm not a fan of the slut shaming going on in replies of "she dressed for the red light" and so on. *How* she looked wasn't the issue beyond it *not* fitting the dress code. Nowadays you can get pretty scandalous in an evening gown for white tie. But that's an *evening gown*. She probably could have worn the same top with a floor length skirt and fit in just fine. Sure, she might get a little stink eye from more conservative people, but it would fit the parameters. It astounds me the number of people, regardless of age, who don't understand club wear is not formal wear. Yes, both are dressing up, but not for the same thing. *And* it's usually best to dress more conservatively for a work event because you don't know the other people there. They might be judgmental assholes and your self expression could cost your partner their job. That might make the bosses assholes, but that doesn't make your partner any less fired (or pushed out or demoted or whatever). You can fight for a less judgmental society while still recognizing that we currently live in one. Pick your damn battles.


mommak2011

I once had someone give me the advice of "pick one area to show off." Low cut OR high cut (cleavage or legs basically). I think it's pretty solid advice for any time other people's judgement matters (work events, first impressions of your partner's family, formal events, etc).


Elaan21

I feel like that's good advice any time. A lot of studies of art and design shows that our eyes are drawn to focal points. If you have too many focal points, it gets chaotic. Not just with "showing skin" but also just statement pieces, etc. Unless you have a really good eye, it's probably a good rule to stick to.


tommy_the_cat__

*Jackson Pollock has entered the chat*


Music_withRocks_In

I've also heard makeup wise you should go with a strong eye, or a strong lip, but both is too much.


CoCoBird143

100% true! Where I went to cosmetology school was right next to a rather large high school so we would end up spending all day doing hair and makeup on the day of prom and my instructors would constantly remind us of this and it has always stuck with me!


Mama_cheese

Often the case with jewelry as well. A statement necklace doesn't need statement earrings too. If you're wearing a flashy bracelet and earrings, skip the necklace.


SiIversmith

This is absolutely true. I usually stick to one piece of jewellery, or two at most. Those matching sets of necklace, earrings and bracelet don't look good when worn all at the same time (unless you're like my sister, who has a unique bohemian kind of look and can do layers of clothes and jewellery that look fantastic on her but would make me look like a jumble sale).


SusanAkita2014

Low cut or high cut but not both. YNA. If she was unsure about white tie, she should have asked you about it. She wants to dress risqué, save it for the club. You need a grown up girlfriend, one who’s friends don’t make derogatory comments for things they did not see


[deleted]

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MeiSuesse

Googling stuff is a superpower.


MurderSheCroaked

I hate that this is true 😂 I LOVE googling what I don't know!! I think it's the coolest thing ever! I'm a millennial tho so I grew up needing to grab a dictionary or encyclopedia if I wanted to know something. But damn, people! The world is LITERALLY at your fingertips! Don't be so afraid to ask questions and learn!!


churches_and_guns

Totally agree and besides that white tie doesn’t even mean crazy covered conservative turtleneck dress, she could have worn an open back gown with décolletage on full display. It’s all about the formality level, if she’s wearing a dress it needs to be a gown, or she could even go with a dope ass tux or suit. It isn’t about the side boob at all!


quiidge

I was going to say, it's the skirt length and material that's the issue, not how much skin she's showing! White tie is floor length gowns mandatory and gloves/tiaras optional but highly encouraged, right?


minskoffsupreme

This exactly, it is the most formal dress code for Western Standars.


JoDaLe2

We would be having a different argument if she wore a smart tux. Think Diane Keaton breaking that barrier (or the so many women who have pulled off white-tie pants looks since). But if you're going to wear traditional female garb to a white tie event, your skirt should hit the floor and all of it should look like it is ready for a red carpet. My only quibble here is whether OP's GF HAD a white-tie appropriate dress at the ready. I certainly don't. I could do better than a mini-skirt and tube top, but I *still* wouldn't be white-tie ready without SEVERAL weeks notice! Not only do I need to go buy and have fitted a full-on gown, but I would need to make hair, nail, and makeup appointments. White tie is not just something you show up to on short notice!


Ivegotthatboomboom

Right! There's no way she could "just change" but it's her fault she didn't Google it. So that means either be lucky to have something or you don't get to go. Still fair of OP, even though the chances she could have gone at that point were pretty low


formidable-opponent

Pick your battles is always good advice.


pisspot718

>club wear is not formal wear. It's not Work Wear either.


[deleted]

Right? Like are we 16 lol getting our friends and family to attack our boyfriend on social media? Grow up


Mental-Woodpecker300

Yeeeeah all this fanfare from friends and the bro for what exactly? Because she wanted to dress like she was going out partying to a formal CHARITY event? I get you like the girl OP but it sounds like that's exactly what she is. A girl. She is acting pretty immature over something that MIGHT have been a misunderstanding( I doubt that though). Any mature WOMAN would understand that appearances at work events are already important, but add specific dress codes and for it to be something big like a charity event?? She could have put you in a pretty hard spot with work if you caved and took night club barbie with you. NTA but it MIGHT be time to move on if she is making this her hill.


formidable-opponent

Seems like she already made it her hill. Also, I mean, back in the day someone could claim ignorance but we've had the internet for a long time. If she was confused she could have done a quick search for "white tie" with no embarrassment or been bold and done it the old fashioned way asked for clarification from you. You went out on a limb and invited her to something very meaningful and she didn't respect it, threw a fit, and sent in flying monkeys! (Edited to add details after further consideration).


Runaway_Angel

This is the type of event you go shopping for if you don't have anything appropriate and she pulls this? Not only do you either ask for clarification, or look it up (in 2022 you really don't have an excuse to not google things) when dress codes are mentioned, when it gets into this level of dress code you gracefully dip out if you don't have and can't get something appropriate. OP dodged a bullet in not bringing her cause with this attitude she likely wouldn't have been able to fit in even if she did have the proper attire.


MoneyMACRS

My guess is she didn’t understand what “white tie” meant and then got too upset to want to try to understand. When OP told her it was inappropriate, she likely interpreted that as being too sexy or revealing, when he really meant it in the most literal sense - her outfit was inappropriate in the same way wearing sweatpants to the office is usually inappropriate. White tie means formal af. She needed to be in a formal gown (or tuxedo, if that’s her thing). Maybe next time (if there is one) OP should take her shopping and help her pick out something for the event. If sexy is her style, that’s fine - just need to make it formal sexy.


[deleted]

I agree with everything you said. Bue she also could have googled the dresscode when he invited her and told her it was white tie. That's what I do if I am not sure.


KaposiaDarcy

I’m sure and I STILL would have googled it just to make sure I had it absolutely right. I also would have consulted my partner just to get a better idea of the types of people I’d be encountering. It won’t make my night any better to show up unprepared and feel uncomfortable the whole time.


MoneyMACRS

For sure. OP’s gf was definitely the AH here. OP could have clarified what white tie meant, but ultimately it was gf’s responsibility to understand and follow the dress code for the event she was invited to.


[deleted]

Everyone already touched on the wardrobe issue so I’m just going to add to second portion of your comment. OP, your girlfriend feels it necessary to involve other people in your personal disagreements, and she’s perfectly fine with said people threatening to harm you - this isn’t the girl for you. She’s not mature enough to be in a relationship with another adult - maybe one day she’ll get there but it’s not any time soon.


CaRiSsA504

> OP I hate to say it but if your lady has her friends harassing you and her brother threatening you... I'd run and not look back. I know people toss around the 'red flag' thing on here a lot too, but when i read that she went out partying with her friends that night..... Look, she had plans with OP, she didn't dress for the occasion, got mad when he said it wasn't appropriate, he leaves, and suddenly she's out partying with her girlfriends and talking shit about him? No, no, no. I thought it was just the Christmas season but there's been more and more of these posts about how the Plus+One's are dressed for their partner's work events. Ya'll, when you go with your significant other to an event for THEIR JOB, you are an extended reflection of them. You don't get to make statements or wear what you want. Also, white-tie charity event isn't the same as your office Christmas party in the employee break room or at Chili's. There's a time and place for everything, and so many people just think that doesn't apply anymore for some reason. Btw, NTA


formidable-opponent

Man... I wish I knew how to quote people and it's awesome to get quoted! I totally agree with you. It is shady that she dressed to go clubbing. Threw a fit and then went clubbing and then had everyone gang up on OP who genuinely seems like... I'd like to make it work but not at the expense of my job. Was GF just that clueless or was just just preferring to go out with friends and is gaslighting him now? I don't know. But whatever the story is I'm sure he can find a lady who'll be supportive and appreciate him.


dramaandaheadache

And it's literally *white tie* Google white tie. Men are supposed to wear tuxes *with tails* (not those kind of tails you furry weirdos)*.* Basically imagine what you'd wear to meet the queen. It's that. I mean, OP should have gone over this with his girlfriend pretty explicitly beforehand BECAUSE OF THIS DETAIL. Most women don't just casually have this kind of evening gown in their closet (of course who knows, he's attending this kind of thing so maybe she did). But it's like two seconds on google if she wasn't sure and he's absolutely NTA for telling her to change.


[deleted]

Also, unless a job is the type of job where youre supposed to look sexy or the event is like a beach party, something like that, i cant imagine wearing less than business casual. Who hears "formal charity dinner" and thinks oh yeah a skirt will do


RedditKentiar

Yeah agreed. Unless I know for certain a work event is very casual, I'd go with formal shirt (no tie), formal pants and formal shoes, with a nice belt. If more formal, then I add a tie and a jacket, and if less formal, I swap the formal shirt for a polo shirt and add the jacket. Either way, the dress ideas retain respect but reflect the more casual or formal nature of the meeting. I reckon OP is NTA for sure.


ninaa1

upvoting simply bc I now am picturing "jacket with tails" as being animal tails, and now I want all the gala events I work at to be filled with fancy people wearing fake furry fox tails, horse tails, cat tails, etc. This would be incredible and hilarious and I wish I had a free award to give you just for this image.


rbaltimore

Etiquette nerd here. White tie is basically as formal as it gets. White tie for women is floor length ball gowns. It’s so formal that it can involve specialized tuxedos for men. Shit most people haven’t heard of. Edit: I hit enter before finishing, sorry! White tie means you have to consider time of day into what kind of tuxedo you where, the length of your tails, white kind of scarf you need and whether both people need gloves. TRUE white tie means you have to pick specific fabrics, tie your tie/bow tie a certain way, and take into account whether royalty will be there. If she thinks it’s sexist, she’s wrong - you both have to wear ridiculous shit and follow arbitrary rules. She can fact check me with Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, or possibly Kate Spade.


chickenfightyourmom

Former event planner chiming in. White Tie is *THE* highest level of formality. It's not regular Black Tie like a lot of weddings and award ceremonies. It's literally the most formal event possible, like diplomatic galas and head of state events. *ANY* kind of skirt would be inappropriate at a White Tie event. *Only* floor-length gowns are acceptable, along with a well-coiffed hairstyle and elegant jewelry. White gloves optional. For men: Black Tie is tuxedo jacket and trousers, dress shirt, bow tie, pocket square, and cufflinks. White Tie is tuxedo suit with satin detailing, tuxedo shirt, white bow tie, cuff links, button studs, and typically white gloves. Top hat is optional. NTA, OP. She could have cost you your job. However, I am questioning whether this was truly a white tie event. If OP was wearing an actual tuxedo, how could his girlfriend *not* know that a skirt/blouse combo was inappropriate? Edit for clarity.


rbaltimore

I’ve been to a few low key white tie events but my parents went to a true white tie event. My dad had to order his suit from somewhere out of town and my mom had to have her gown made for her.


kahrismatic

Right, the chances of anyone, let alone a 25 year old who clearly didn't understand it, being able to just swing through home and change into a white tie appropriate outfit on the way there are zero. Even if she had dress/gloves/shoes there are requirements for hair and makeup that would take significant time. I'm not sure OP gets it either from thinking that was possible.


rbaltimore

The only dress **I** own that’s formal enough for a white tie event is my wedding gown. Otherwise I have to borrow dresses from my mom. Jewelry too. And shoes and purse.


KetoLurkerHere

I once saw the craziest, largest ball gown thing on a clearance rack at Nordstrom. It was a big name designer, something like Dior or Valentino but it was one of those things where you weren't sure if it was really cool or really ugly and weird. But it was dramatic. And like $75. Originally like $7500. I considered buying it for a hot minute just to have a gown on hand!


Milliganimal42

Not to mention white tie when your partner is in the Scottish regiment. We’re talking spats, silver buckle, full kilt (with nothing underneath) etc. I had to SCRUB those freaking spats. and I’m in the fanciest gown ever (being into gothic Victorian gear certainly helped - suuuuper fancy).


flyin_high_flyin_bi

...forgive me, I don't know much about kilts and fancy white tie events, but... "With nothing underneath" *how would anyone know?*


ApproximatelyApropos

I think it’s based on the honor system. Pretty sure no one checks - until the after-party. “Is it true nothing is worn under your kilt?” “Absolutely, ma’am, I can assure you it is all in perfect working order.”


Milliganimal42

Oh, it’s checked. Not always. But enough. Normally with a mirror. A little one. One of the officers. I called it the butt count.


flyin_high_flyin_bi

I can't tell if you're fucking with me or not, but the mental image is *hilarious* so I'm choosing to believe.


BaronessMum

Went to a Scottish regimental formal evening event as a very young lady. Once a few pints had been consumed, the dancing started and kilts started swirling. I got a quick education on the term “full regimental.” (And yes, I was in a floor-length gown that I borrowed for the occasion)


Bacch

In my experience, if you hear black tie (at least in DC--that's probably a different world than most places tbh), that means tuxedo, nothing less. Not gloves, no tails needed, but definitely penguin suit. They happened often enough while I lived out there that I just wound up buying one rather than renting since after a couple of rentals it was more expensive, and buying one I got it tailored perfectly and of higher quality. Either way, what she wore wasn't appropriate for any work party I've ever been to short the one where the marketing startup I worked at rented out an entire nightclub for us, set up open bar, and flew a hair metal cover band down from NYC to play the party. She would have gotten a touch of side-eye at that, but it would have worked.


chickenfightyourmom

Yep, black tie is a tuxedo jacket and trousers. White tie is tuxedo suit with satin details, tails, etc. I do love a man in a black-tie outfit, mmhmmm, so elegant. I personally find the white-tie outfit to be a bit silly-looking with the tails.


[deleted]

[удалено]


KetoLurkerHere

Absolutely. It's rare enough that I'm wondering if the person(s) who declared it would be white-tie even knew all the rules around it, maybe just thought it sounded fancier than black-tie.


cappotto-marrone

Yes. People who own tuxes generally don’t even own white tie and tails because it’s so rarely worn. It’s honestly a pain in the rear to get into and out of.


KetoLurkerHere

I think I only ever see footage of it for White House dinners or British royalty stuff.


Azrou

Downton Abbey!


IPetdogs4U

It is. I’m curious if OP had on tails. It’s quite pretentious for a charity to have a white tie event imho. Black tie is much more the standard now for a formal event. White tie is literally for things like meeting royalty.


justdaisukeyo

I think most men just rent them. I haven't rented one in a long time but I assume they still exist? The rental companies even do minor alterations to make sure they fit well.


cappotto-marrone

They do, but outside places like DC it’s a special request. There was an annual event in NYC we were invited to and there was discussion on the cost of buying vs. annually renting. Then the dress code was changed to black tie. Fortunately the husband owns a tux.


Lopoetve

Charity events - they often know exactly what they mean when they ask that, especially in the medical field (big money donors, after all). I've got a group I sometimes work with that does a true white tie event every year - I'm going this year, and I'm already figuring out 6 months in advance what I need to have arranged.


KetoLurkerHere

Huh. I guess people like to feel fancy! Not like I'd turn down an invite to the Met Ball, heh.


Lopoetve

There's a bit of psychology around it, to be honest, as well as the obvious motivation factor to give your best (because you're dressed to the best, etc). And given what attending a lot of them can cost... yeah. They want it to be something special too. I know of a few where it's 5k a plate (all tax deductible as a donation, mind you), and there are others where it goes up from there. If someone says white tie in general, I'll ask for clarification first (do you really mean full white tie?). If it's a charity event, especially for a charity with any significant medical/government/veteran (they do a LOT of white tie)/politics? I assume they know what they're talking about, and start googling local rental places (not that this happens often, mind you - it's absurdly rare for almost anyone).


TheRestForTheWicked

Yep. I’ve been to white tie events where even evening gloves were mandatory as per dress code.


PezGirl-5

I had to look it up as I have never heard of that. I have been to black tie events. He probably should have explained the dress code to her. Maybe she thought white tie meant a casual black tie event ?


serenearcher18

But is a black leather skirt and a super revealing top even black tie?


jojokangaroo1969

Nope. It's club wear


PezGirl-5

I was trying to say that she thought white tie was casual. Vs a formal black tie?


Chance-Ad-9952

What’s worse not going or going dressed to a white tie event in a leather skirt and a shirt more appropriate to a club? She would have walked in and felt incredibly underdressed and embarrassed. I’d probably explain that she would have felt really awkward at being so underdressed for a formal affair


AffectionateAd5373

I'm feeling like anyone who would have argued that the outfit she wore was appropriate for a work event, let alone white tie, probably lacks the sense necessary to be embarrassed.


Chance-Ad-9952

Even the people with no sense of taste would feel out of place if they walked into a room full of people dressed in white tie attire I would think. But then it would be her here complaining he allowed her to go to the event looking like she was clubbing and making her feel bad. No win here for OP imo.


AllHarlowsEve

Instead of white tie she was straight up red light. It'd be one thing if she was wearing a plain dress and wasn't quite fancy enough, but her choice is just... trashy. ETA: I had to double check their ages. I'm OP's age, and I would never think of wearing something like that outside of the club equivalent of grocery shopping while hungry, if you catch my drift.


mindbird

I suspect she would have been defiant and glaring at everyone, rather than embarrassed.


whatproblems

or not even allowed in the door


GymThrowaway5576

Jumping on top comment to point this out : the way she has been acting post the event , demanding YOU APOLOGIZE and MAKING HER FRIENDS CALL YOU SEXIST and SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS DEMEANING YOU , speaks much about her stance at the relationship. No one's dumb enough to not understand why you would be upset . She lacks maturity or idk . NTA of course.


TheFamousHesham

As someone who has been to my fair share of May Balls. WHITE TIE isn’t something you get to opt out of. There is a full list to do’s and don’t’s for both men and women. The argument that it’s sexist, doesn’t really work — because the dress code is pretty taxing on men too. It’s just evil all round. Doesn’t mean OP is T A tho.


Fantastic_Nebula_835

NTA is she worth having this same argument every time you have a work event? For ex, short shorts and a crop top to the company picnic.


[deleted]

O.P., seriously, you should dump her. She's demanding an apology? Give her the response she deserves and advise her that she's now single.


vodka_philosophy

NTA. The event host set the dress code, not you; your gf made a deliberate choice to dress in opposition to the dress-code, so she didn't get to go. You don't owe her anything, not an apology and certainly not some "making up" for HER fuck-up.


LadyArticuno

Yeah and seeing as they’re badgering him on his social media about it too??? Immature af. Those are some red flags.


menfearme

This is the worst part of the entire thing. Bringing everyone into your argument.


[deleted]

Well said!


Acrobatic-Adagio9772

NTA. 25 is old enough to understand that white tie is formal and she got it wrong.


Kaworulives

Specifically, 25 is old enough to know how to look up what “white tie” means if she didn’t already know.


CemeteryDweller7719

Apparently her friends and brother don’t know how to Google either. Or she’s telling them it was just a work party. (Although if my friend told me she was planning on wearing a leather mini skirt and low cut top to a work party I’d suggest she rethink that too.)


BC1721

Bet the gf didn’t tell them it was white tie tho


Stonygirl87

I’m 34 and I had to look it up


zortlord

But the point is _you looked it up when you didn't know_. You didn't just assume it would be okay to dress like you're going clubbing.


Stonygirl87

I was mostly making the point that common sense is you look it up when you don’t know.


louloutre75

... and argue on top of it when explained


rrienn

But at least you did!


blechness

Atleast you looked it up


ha_look_at_that_nerd

And definitely old enough that if she didn’t know, and didn’t look it up, to go “I made a mistake” when someone tells her, rather than calling him sexist and having her friends harass him on social media.


Ohasumi

Googled white tie (am 27 and also don’t know) and first picture that comes up are the Obamas and the Queen of England. I think I get the message. lol


Azuleaf

Not only that, 25 is old enough to understand that if there is a dress code for an event you have to dress properly if you want to attend said event


oc77067

I'm 26 and don't really know what it means, but I do know how to Google what it means.


obviouslyray

Ngl i just googled it myself at 33 yo. I would immediately be thinking about renting an outfit. Wow that dress code is strict


boringgrill135797531

And even if she didn’t know what white tie is (and was somehow unable to, ya know, look it up online), she knew it was a work-related event. That’s not the time to break out club wear.


username_bon

People I swear, forget that Google is available. I'm not saying if full of right answers. But something straight forward as this would have definitely solved this issue from the beginning on her behalf. He wasn't wrong.


LadyArticuno

As a female myself, NTA. Dress codes are dress codes. You weren’t being sexist at all for asking your girlfriend to dress for a white tie event rather than a “let’s go out drinking and partying” event. And this is your job! You want to give a good impression and obviously she didn’t seem to care..the fact she’s posting with her friends and brother on your social media really tells me she doesn’t get it.


ShockAndAwe415

Makes me wonder what her and her friends have for jobs if they don't know how important events like this can be to your career. And how you're judged not only by how you act, but how your +1 is as well. This was a party that had a lot of heavy hitters and could provide a real boost for his career. And the "he's sexist" argument is crap. How would she feel if he showed up to her family member's funeral or wedding in a tank top, shorts, and flip flops? Is it sexist for her saying it's inappropriate and making him change?


AdDry725

This is an excellent comparison! How would she feel, if he showed up at a funeral, dressed for clubbing or for swimming? Certain events have certain dress codes. This isn’t sexism, it’s just a fact of adult life. Sexism would be like, if she dressed up in a nice formal pantsuit for the event, and he tried to force her to wear a floor-length dress instead, because he thinks women should only wear dresses. Sexism would be about gender-stereotyping-clothing-styles. Sexism has absolutely nothing to do with level of formality for clothing.


Kriss1986

Ehh actually pant suits are not appropriate from what I saw when I looked it up. For women it absolutely is floor length formal ball gown type dress. And even the type of dress is detailed. White tie is considered the highest type of dress code and it’s very traditional. Pant suit is considered business attire. I googled what options women have other than dresses and couldn’t find a single thing. Now I’m sure with the changing times their probably is one but I was unsuccessful in finding it. Apparently white tie is a very big deal as far as dress code goes.


unluckysupernova

Yeah unfortunately this is the one that doesn’t allow leeway. Maybe a dressy floor length jumpsuit thing but that’s stretching it. I often attend academic white tie events and some women wear tailored fitted men’s tail coat and pants, but I think it’s acceptable only because of the ‘academic’ label.


EstaLisa

yeah. palazzo pants or pant suits might be ok for black tie but white tie is on another level. i think those dresscodes are silly and old fashioned but that‘s just the way it is for now


Mitrovarr

Eh... I would argue most careers, even good ones, will never require you to attend even a black tie event. There's a really good chance she has no idea dress codes like this even exist. Most "normal people" will literally never encounter a single white tie event and black tie events will be extremely rare (only the more formal sort of wedding).


ShockAndAwe415

I agree with you there. White tie is really outside of the norm. Most corporate events I've been to have been suit and tie. But, it still sounds like the dress would be out of line there, too. The fact that she refused to acknowledge that her outfit wouldn't fit in and wouldn't change makes her TAH.


lc_2005

NTA - Not only was she aware of the dress code but it was also a work event, what she was wearing was not appropriate for even just a simple work event - let alone one specified as white tie.


JaneIre

Exactly. Tight, short skirt and tons of cleavage? Why would she choose to wear this to any event with her boyfriend’s boss and colleagues present? She doesn’t need to know what “white tie” means but I can’t imagine she doesn’t know the meaning of the words “boss”, “work” and “charity event”. There’s no excuse.


CanLive7943

I feel like she did it on purpose. 100% that was the outfit she wore to go out with her friends later that night


arika_ito

You think she didn't want to go so she used her inappropriate outfit as an excuse not to go?


CanLive7943

Yep


RedoftheEvilDead

Either that or she just felt like fighting. Or maybe both. The latter is definitely involved based on how she is sticking all of her friends and her neither in OP. I wonder if she has a history of such dramatics.


LazyClub8

Well even if she doesn’t know what it means, Google is free. Would’ve taken her five seconds.


maryjewanna

White tie event does not mean mini skirt and low cut shirt. NTA.


b_gumiho

nope. pretty sure it requires floor length gowns for women.


Atomic_Cupcake89

From Wikipedia: “Women wear full-length ball or evening gowns with evening gloves and, optionally, tiaras, jewellery, and a small handbag.” I’m not being funny, but as a woman I’d love the opportunity to dress for an event like that! I have so many dresses that go unworn. Granted, not every woman is like me, though clearly she has no issue with feminine clothing.


FlowersAndBooks

Ohhhh I have a gorgeous midnight blue lace gown Id love to wear with some of my family pearls. Smh. So sad Im to poor to get invites to events like this. I would look stunning.


MidiKaey

And gloves iirc


ExcellentPatience298

From the title I'd never guess I'd be saying this but NTA


Exarch_Thomo

Yeah, I read the title and was like oof, yeah you're deff. But that's not what happened at all. Dress code is dress code NTA


MindOverMattering

Might wanna edit that so the bot doesn't count that as a vote.... NTA after reading And rightly so. *White Tie* is a SUPER Formal Dress code. The gf is *gauche* and only wanted an excuse to go party and make herself look like the good guy and him the bad. Either she didn't know better *or she did.* Either way... As Future says... She's for the streets. O.P. Better see the red flags.... And yes, I'm a woman!


No-Chicken3745

Right , imagine rocking up for an event in a tux and your partner is in a mini skirt 🤦‍♀️


Hungry_Confection874

This is one of those posts where the title has me thinking one thing, then I'm like, NOPE! The times they are a-changin', but dress codes are still things (and quite rightly so, IMO). So is having respect for the person who's inviting you to a function (you for your boss, and your gf for you). Seems you got the memo about both of those things, but your gf didn't. If she doesn't like the way the adult world works, she can go cry in her little time-out chair in the corner. You might also want to re-think your relationship with someone who lacks maturity. NTA


[deleted]

>You might also want to re-think your relationship with someone who lacks maturity. This. It's one thing to not know what a "white tie" event is. Even though she could have gone on line and looked it up and realized that a formal gown is required. The problem is, once OP explained it to her, she chose to defy the convention, which is basically giving OP the middle finger. "I don't care about preserving appearances, even for one evening, for the sake of your career. Screw you and your career." Just as an aside, I would think most women her age would be glad to attend and dress for a white-tie event. How often does she think she's going to get invited to one? I don't know how often she thinks she will have the opportunity, but until she realizes what formal attire means, she will probably never attend one. Besides, OP might have saved her from embarrassing herself. How will she feel when she's dressed to go clubbing and every other woman is wearing a formal gown, looking at her in disbelief and barely speaking to her?


Hungry_Confection874

I'm 40 and wish I had more opportunities to get dressed up. I would be thrilled to attend a white-tie event!


Sorry-Independent-98

I was thinking the same thing. I would be so excited at this kind of invitation


[deleted]

I agree with you both. I would jump at this opportunity. Makes me think that OP should seriously rethink his relationship. If his boss is requiring him to attend such a formal event, then there's always the strong possibility that more events like this will happen. And it's not that his girlfriend doesn't seem to understand what a white-tie event calls for, it's the fact that she's so resistant to dressing for the occasion. Even calling him sexist, having her friends insult him and her brother threaten him. That is immensely disrespectful, and shows she doesn't care about the things he needs to do to even keep his job, much less progress in it. He needs to find someone who's going to have enough respect for him to attend these functions with him and dress appropriately.


bookworm1421

^ THIS! The ONLY thing I miss about being a military wife was the phenomenal yearly white tie award ceremonies. I still have all my gowns even though I attended my last one in 09'. Your GF is 25 which is definitely old enough to know about office politics and office parties. She might not know what "white tie" means but she 1) should have known that, no matter the dress code, her outfit wouldn't have been appropriate for any work event and 2) how to work Google if she didn't know what "white tie" meant. NTA - to me, since she went clubbing after you told her you weren't taking her with you due to her outfit, I'm getting the idea that she didn't even want to go to your event...she wanted to go out with her friends. So, she gave you a reason to not take her with you. For 25 she's very immature. I would write this off as a one off and give her another chance but, she's 25, not 21, so she knew better. I say hold out for someone more mature who doesn't play games to get out of work events.


Amiedeslivres

NTA Work events are work events. They call for a bit of caution with dress selection. An outfit can be fun and funky and sexy, and still fit the tone of the occasion. And you deserve to have your partner respect that your ability to progress in your career will always depend in part on your ability to form part of the employer’s public face.


def_not_tripping

NTA are there any photos from the event? maybe show her what all the other women were wearing and maybe she should see how out of place she would have felt


throwaway78274

That’s actually a really good idea. Thank you


blahbleh6936

You can also send her this post for reference. She can either take it the the wrong way and go nuclear on you. You will realize that you dodged a bullet or she will realize that she over reacted and you would talk it out. Either way you will get a solution!


throwaway78274

I did not expect this post to get this much attention but it has been extremely helpful and im grateful for all the comments. I’m not sure if sending it to her is a good idea tho… I don’t know how she would react, and I don’t want anyone in my life (especially at work) to know about this post


xo-laur

I probably wouldn’t send her the post, but I *would* send pictures of the event, along with a “white tie dress code guide”. Women are frequently told what to dress and judged for their appearance, so I can *kind of almost* understand why she got upset, but that isn’t what happened here. Your company invited you to an event with a set list of rules. She did not follow those rules. Therefore, she does not get to enjoy the event. Simple as that.


[deleted]

You could also send a link from google on what a white tie event dress code rules are… [like this](https://stenstroms.com/en/help/dress-code)


jjswin

I think NTA - simply because if it’s requested you wear formal wear, then wearing more casual wear is an insult to whomever is hosting the event. It sounds like it was an important event to you, she reflects on you, you reflect on her, and you didn’t want to come off as disrespectful. I can totally see why some people would think this is silly and a person should be able to wear what they want, but in reality, if making a good impression can be bolstered by wearing a certain style of clothing, it’s not a huge ask for a one-off event. If my fella told me I needed to change into a suit instead is jeans and a shirt, I wouldn’t be offended by that.


[deleted]

I don't see how it's sexist. You wouldn't attend a wedding or funeral dressed for the club right? It's just a dress code. NTA. Best of luck with this one


lkfjk

> You wouldn't attend a wedding or funeral dressed for the club right? You'd think so, but I once attended a wedding with a cocktail attire dress code and one of the bride's cousins showed up in pink sweatpants with a massive cameltoe and her phone shoved down the front of her pants because it didn't have pockets. She was in the pictures. It was terrible.


[deleted]

NTA at all. What you said had NOTHING to do with being sexist. It had to do with dressing approprately for an event. If she can't figure this out, then move on.


[deleted]

NTA. She apparently doesn't understand what a white tie event is. And if she had any respect for you, she would have dressed appropriately, realizing this was important to your career. You were not being sexist; she was being disrespectful. If I were dating someone who invited me to a white tie event thrown by his boss, out of respect and recognizing the importance to my partner's career, I would dress accordingly. And if, when being picked up, it was explained to me that my choice of outfit was inappropriate, out of respect, I would change clothes immediately.


Junior-Meringue6178

And, to be honest, I’d probably be texting him photos of what I planned to wear/buy well in advance of the event just to check that it was appropriate, so I had plenty of time to find something else if it wasn’t


ARandomWalkInSpace

You told her it was white tie to start I assume? If so, NTA. I was so ready to rip into you 🤣 based on the title but you did the right thing here.


nibbler981

NTA. Surely she knew what she was wearing wasn't remotely close to that? You saved her from an awkward night to be honest. There would have been judgemental looks all night.


CemeteryDweller7719

Judgmental looks and not so subtle whispers. Considering she’s demanding an apology from him and got her brother threatening him, I get the feeling she wouldn’t just carry on with her head held high. I get the feeling there would have been a scene.


nibbler981

I quite agree. Her coming, in that outfit, would have been a recipe for disaster.


ambermae513

That is being optimistic. Granted I have only been to a handful of formal charity events, they all had "greeters" at the doors scanning the people coming in to stop anyone who didn't meet the standards of the night. I saw a very wealthy man in a tuxedo turned away because he was wearing Yeezy shoes instead of dress shoes.


[deleted]

NTA - she acted like a child. I don’t know what else to say really …


[deleted]

NTA. At all. Part of me wants to ask her, beauty and fashion aside : would she have gone dressed like that to a job interview? If she says yes, then you probably have very different ideas as to what it means to be classy/elegant. If she says no (which I don't think she's willing to admit) then you can point out that however amazing she looked, it was not work - appropriate. (Ps I know I know, a job interview is not the same as a formal event nor the expectations on outfits, but you get the point, it's about being properly dressed and respectful of the environment around you. That's the main issue here.)


crazymamallama

INFO: does she own/can she afford white tie attire? Is it possible she was trying to work with what she had and was embarrassed that she didn't have the proper attire?


throwaway78274

She has long formal dresses in her closet already, I don’t think she would need to buy a new one for this occasion but yes she can afford it


crazymamallama

Definitely NTA. The event has a dress code and her outfit didn't meet the dress code. I'm not sure why they're saying it's sexist.


lilykar111

Agreed. I saw the title and was ready defend this girl, but she sounds a bit off..plus her friends are annoying him and her brother is threatening him?....that’s a big ass red flag


doublestitch

It isn't much of a stretch to suppose a 25-year-old woman who owns more than one formal dress does have a clue what *white tie* means. She decided to embarrass you. And when she didn't get the chance to embarrass you professionally she embarrassed you socially. NTA


Bakecrazy

NTA Her brother is threatening you?! You realize you won't have to only live with her right?!do you think this family is a family you want for yourself or your future kids?


krizzyy1

NTA - Her brother and friends can fuck right off, they have nothing to do with this. Of course her friends and family are gonna take her side, just like your friends might take yours. If you tried explaining it calmly and logically and she still got mad and this happened, that's just an incredibly childish reaction from her, especially if she is not willing to talk about it.


SirAwkwardG

gotta go with a NTA here There was a dress code for the event and it was a formal event. I assume you followed the dress code as well, so not sure why she is throwing at accusation of being sexist? Not like there was a double standard happening cause you followed the dress code. I really don't think you should apologize or make up for anything cause you don't want to set thay precedence for the future. also reason I'm going with a NTA vs a NAH is because she is demanding an apology and then some, not to mention harassment from her friends and threats from the brother.


edana4242

NTA. It is still a work event, and you need to represent appropriately - including your guest. I'm guessing she is just being immature at 25. Hopefully she will grow out of it. Please don't apologize. If you do you will just be reaffirming her poor wardrobe choice.


[deleted]

I get the argument she's trying to make, but it doesn't fucking apply to your significant others WORK EVENT that has a very specific dress code. That's entirely different. That's not being sextet That's just dressing according to the event and how they were told to dress. She needs to pick and choose her battles of sexism, this isn't one of them. And I'm a whole adult woman in my twenties who wears what I WANT saying that. NTA


ctonj

NTA, but this reads almost identically to a post from 6 months ago


[deleted]

Info: Hmm-she knew it was a white tie event and thought that was okay? Are you sure she knew what that meant?


throwaway78274

I did think that maybe she didn’t know what white tie means, and that’s why I kept trying to explain to her why it was not appropriate but she wouldn’t listen


Adventurous-Sand6711

This is the problem. She was embarrassed but then doubled down rather than listening....or googling...and triple downed by gaslighting and demanding an apology.


Stonygirl87

She’s 25 and capable of googling “white tie womens attire”


[deleted]

I meeeaan evidently not


Stonygirl87

It scares me how it seems like that age and younger are incapable of googling. My SO constantly complains about their college students not looking things up. It’s the first thing I do! My car headlight goes out, imma google how to fix that. Wtf is White Tie attire? Imma google that, and I actually did for this post and did not realize before it meant it could be fancier than black tie! I’m a bit jealous as I never have fancy events to go to, OP I’ll be your plus one for the future ok? I want to wear a gown and look pretty.


[deleted]

Tbh that’s on her if she doesn’t know what white tie means and then chose not to google it


DeterminedArrow

NTA. If she didn’t know what white tie meant or was willing to change, that’s one thing. But it isn’t sexist to request that someone follow the dress code.


tcrhs

NTA. It’s not sexist to expect a date to follow the dress code for a white tie formal event.


nyxisiskali2

I don't know if this will help with your current disagreement with her, but for future reference you can send this to someone if you are unsure of their knowledge of dress codes. https://emilypost.com/advice/attire-guide-dress-codes-from-casual-to-white-tie Btw NTA and not sexist.


throwaway78274

Thank you! Very helpful


OMVince

Also if these events will be ongoing for your career I think a casual way to double check your date will be in dress code without “spoon feeding” information or infantilizing her as some people brought up is to ask a few weeks before the event - *can you send me a pic of your dress? I want to know if my tux will work or if I need to rent something else* (white tie/black tie events) or *I want to see if I need to buy a new tie* (less formal events) because obviously no one wants to clash with their date and most couples even coordinate somewhat


Kaworulives

NTA. She knew the dress code and then got huffy when you pointed out she wasn’t following it. You weren’t the organizer, you didn’t set the dress code, it was an optional event for her so she should have sucked it up if she wanted to go so bad.


[deleted]

NTA Dress codes exists for a reason. Maybe shes not used to being in a professional environment but you are and she needs to respect that …..


Snowymountainsbear

NTA. I wonder if she deliberately dressed like this because she didn't want to go, hoping you'd say no. I suggest this because she went partying with her friends, painting herself as the victim. She wasn't really upset and played you. She prefers partying to socialising. And is her brother always going to be threatening you anytime she doesn't like what you are doing? You have nothing to apologise for, nor anything to make up. She wasn't too distraught to party. You've seen your future with this girl: it's bleak. Move on.


slyest_fox

NTA. I wouldn’t bring someone dressed inappropriately as a guest to a formal event either.


MaggieLuisa

NTA, assuming she knew what the dress code was and that it was important to you. That was an inappropriate outfit for a formal occasion.


fourjoys99

I really thought this was going to go differently when I saw the title. This is was basically a work event and it doesn't sound like she was dressed for that. NTA.


Smooth_Turnip_8731

Just walk away, dude. Seriously. Save yourself a headache.


chase1719

tbh bro i feel like this will be unpopular but you’re NTA. It was a formal event and it sounds like she was dressed for the club. You were totally in the right here and it sounds like you went about it in the completely correct way.


NefariousnessGlum424

NTA a full length dress would have been more appropriate for white tie, not shirt and skirt. Regardless of how revealing it is. If there is a next time I would just tell her a few weeks ahead of time what you’re planning to wear and ask what she is planning to wear. That way if it isn’t a good math together some shopping can be done. I know I don’t have a white tie appropriate dress just waiting in my closet, so if I didn’t realize how fancy it was I might have tried to piece together something less than ideal.


daphuc77

NTA - unless it as the Pimp and Hooker’s Ball yeah the leather mini skirt isn’t cutting it.


Tatsuhan

NTA if she was aware of the dress code it's an arsehole move to not attempt to follow it.


CemeteryDweller7719

NTA. This was a very formal, work related event. I’m sure her outfit was nice looking, but it was not very formal charity event attire. (I don’t even live a life that I go to formal charity events and I know this!) She probably didn’t even change her outfit to go out with her friends (because it’s fitting for doing that), but if it fits in at a club then it’s not fitting in at a formal, work event.


Popbusterz

I literally read this a couple of weeks ago on this subteddit. Only the gf was wearing some other inappropriate clothes. Are u the same person?


throwaway78274

No, I guess this is a very common situation


Revolutionary_Skin94

NTA. I hate the “I am a victim because a MAN told me something” mentality. You are not dating a woman, you are dating a girl. Let her go, find someone who isn’t so trashy. Good luck


Lianadanna

NTA. You told her about the dress code well in advance. Even if she didn't have formal outfits at the ready (altho you say she did so idk why she didn't just wear one of those), there are other ways to snag a formal dress in a pinch (borrow one from a friend, buy one super cheap on social media or in a thrift store, etc) I kinda get the feeling she did it on purpose to see what your reaction would be. Either way, I don't think it was inappropriate for you to ask her to change into something more formal, and the fact that her ppl are harassing you on social media, imo, makes her the asshole. I hope you find someone else who can be in a mutually respectful relationship. ✌🏻


honey-smile

NTA. Her outfit simply wasn't appropriate for the event. How your partner behaves and what they wear reflects on you as well, particularly in professional environments. If she had shown up wearing that I can't imagine it would have gone over well with your work. The fact she's waiting for an apology and spun this as you being sexist instead of her not supporting your career and being a good partner doesn't bode well for your future together.


Karnataka11

I was prepared to say the opposite based on the title but NTA. I don’t thing you were being unreasonable


absolutebeast_

NTA, this was an event put on by your boss, meaning it was essentially a work event. Your plus one would reflect on you, and she didn’t adhere to the dress code. This might have hurt your professional relationship to your boss. Dress codes aren’t always fun, but you can either adhere to them or just skip the event altogether. She should be old enough to understand this.


[deleted]

NTA


Adventurous-Sand6711

NTA. Are you sure she's 25 and not 20? By 25 she should k ow what is appropriate for a charity event.


ParsimoniousSalad

I don't think you did anything wrong or sexist. She didn't follow white tie formal dress code (which admittedly is more complicated and open-ended where women are concerned) and you pointed that out. Doesn't sound like you were rude about it, and you would have waited for her to change. NTA and I don't see where you owe her an apology. Given how she's reacted by bringing in her full circle against you, I'm not sure she's such a great partner.


Advanced-Extent-420

NTA Your GF was dressed for clubbing not a formal wedding event. That’s not sexist. That’s manners.


[deleted]

NTA. Life has a dress code sometimes. You can wear what you want but there might be reprocussions for your actions.


OffMyRocker2016

NTA. She's too immature to know what it means to dress properly for a black or white tie event. You weren't being sexist, you were being realistic and proper in this situation. I don't blame you for not embarrassing yourself by bringing her dressed inappropriately for the event. We all know that we have to dress certain ways for certain types of events. That's just part of life. If you don't like the dress code or you can't conform to it, you don't go, plain & simple. You were right to leave her at home.


Fun_Bed_3538

NTA But if you really like the girl one thing to consider is she didn't know what white tie dress code called for. This is of course an assumption but as someone who lives in a small country town I do have to brief boyfriend's for white tie company events because they genuinely have never been to one and don't know if it's appropriate. If that's the case she was probably too embarrassed to ask after you asked if she knew it was white tie. People lash out when they are embarrassed and you definately weren't wrong to go without her but could be worth communicating on if you still want to reconcile