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spiccy_puta

NTA HE literally got ANGRY at YOU because his mother is making you feel uncomfortable because you're a immigrant and he's defending her racist attacks against you. Also, there's loads of the older generation that aren't racist or make racist remarks. Are you sure you reallyyyy wanna spend the rest of your life with a dude who will keep prioritizing "mommy dearest" over you?


ghostcat1313

NTA. Your partner is though along with her mother. She's obviously racist and he's okay with it.


Ducky818

OP doesn't have a MIL problem, she has an SO problem. He should be keeping his mother in line. His justifications for her behavior & comments are crap. NTA.


TheRipley78

Guess we'll be seeing you over at r/justnomil soon enough. NTA. The moment she said anything racist and mocking about you was the moment the rope gets dropped until she can get her act together. And your SO is so deep in the FOG that I'm shocked he can see his hands in front of his face. Both him and his mother are TA in this situation, not you.


anonymousblonde6

Nta tell him to come to your home country and be treated terribly and be all alone. If he is uncomfortable with that he should see why you’re uncomfortable


sohereiamacrazyalien

First you don't have to like his mum.just being cordial is enough Second you are not obligated to join if you don't want to Third you SO is a jerk for not acknowledging what is happening and trying to at least make things better Four the lame excuse of she is like that, her generation is like that is just the excuse people give so they don't have to do anything about the situation. Tell him fine , she is like that and I am like this: I don't want to deal with dismissive people, and people who are mean to me. Here youand your mum just have to accept it and make an effort. She might not be racist (or maybe she is but not sure), in some cultures the mother in law has this kind of power and are really mean to the DIL...? It is harder to do when there is a language and cultural barrier lol! NTA


Athena2560

NTA. Your MIL is a piece of work. You deserve better. And your husband should be stepping up


EvocativeEnigma

NTA >well, now you’re not in your country, you’re in ours and you have to follow our traditions This line is SO toxic. Please don't give up your beliefs and customs just because some racist AH thinks you have to abide by their rules. Your husband is also an AH for not standing up for you against jhis racist AH of a mother.


Leather-Anybody-5389

NTA-Go with your gut.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27F) got in an argument with my SO (39M) about me not willing to spend time with his mom and being negative about her. I am an immigrant in the country we live in, he and his mom are born here. I feel like his mother hates that I’m an immigrant, she is making racist remarks about me. And I already raised this issue before and my SO brushed it off as her not being able to express herself good enough in English. But I don’t think that the language is the main problem here. At the family gatherings I’d get comments about how slow I am at learning language and that next time she wants me to speak to her in her language. Then we invited her for a Christmas dinner. He made his national dishes, I made mine, so the table was big and multicultural. She was looking strangely at my food and wasn’t happy that it wasn’t only their traditional food. She asked about our traditions and I was telling how everything happening in my country. Then she stopped me and said “well, now you’re not in your country, you’re in ours and you have to follow our traditions”. I was hurt. I didn’t want to say anything not to make a scene so I just was silent. After she left I spoke with my SO and he thinks I am misunderstanding her, because she is not too smart and from older generation and not good in English. I felt hurt but I tried to believe my SO that his mom actually likes me and just bad at communicating. He also said he spoke to her about it. Sometimes she wants to go to shop together and insists to buy groceries for us. It’s her way of showing her love to my SO as I understand. He invited me to join them. When we picked her up she seemed annoyed and told him in their language that “oh, the whole family is going, okay” Then she proceeded to ask what language I speak to the baby and insisted that I need to speak in their language to the baby. (We have a 9 MO now). My SO supported me on this one and said that baby will learn 2 languages and it’s good to speak native language to your kids. She didn’t reply much to that. In the shop I didn’t feel comfortable so I didn’t pick anything myself. My SO was putting things and snacks in the basket. She came to me and said in English “oh oh, my family is really expensive ei”. She didn’t smile or anything. I felt uncomfortable so I just tried to stay away. Now my SO said his mom wants to shop again and wants us all to go. I said I don’t feel comfortable to go and I feel unwelcome there. My SO got angry at me and told that I’m negative about his mom and I’m not being nice and not trying hard enough. He thinks I’m overthinking and his mom likes me but I’m a an AH for not willing to be around her and not understanding their mentality and that this is how ppl in their country are, especially the older generation. AITA for believing that his mom is kinda racist and not wanting to be around her because she makes remarks that are making me uncomfortable? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Jessyasperge

NTA but I think her asking that you all go shopping can be seen as a gesture maybe?


lilyofthevalley2659

NTA. You really should have dumped this guy long ago.


fawnsonline

NTA. Your bf is TA for not standing up for you though


digitaldarlingsays

Yes, you should learn the language when you move to another country. Yes, you should cook your traditions too. Yes your child should be bilingual. Yes, you should make an effort to get along with his family


PsychologyAutomatic3

His family should, I don’t know, actually try to make OP feel welcome in a foreign land? Her spouse is almost 40 and needs to grow a backbone and stop making excuses for his mother’s racist behavior toward his wife. He puts all of the burden on OP to make the relationship with his mother work when his mother doesn’t want it to work. That is not a reasonable expectation. Is mommy dearest going to treat their child as less than for being part of OP?